Monday Morning Podcast – "Old ESPN, Food, Canada" | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast (11-13-25)

Host: Bill Burr (with Paul Versi & Jake the Snake, All Things Comedy)
Date: November 13, 2025

Overview

In this classic Bill Burr-helmed episode, Burr brings his signature blend of stand-up riffing, honest self-reflection, and sharp pop culture critiques. The episode bounces between sports gambling theories, reminiscences about old ESPN and the golden age of the sports page, complaints about the over-competitive turn in food TV, stories from recent travel (especially to Vancouver and Italy), and wide-ranging relationship and life advice. Later, Paul Versi and Jake the Snake join for a deeply unserious, highly entertaining NFL picks segment, with plenty of digressions about coaches, gambling losses, and the modern NFL experience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Bill's Thursday Night Football Gambler’s Theory (01:01 – 04:00)

• Bill rides a personal NFL betting streak: "The underdog is getting more than five and a half points, you take the... you take the fucking underdog, right?"
• Applies it, regrettably, to his beloved New England Patriots’ game against the Jets.
• “I don't give a shit about losing this bet if it’s... my team's gonna win. Sorry, I'm half asleep, I got an acting gig today out here in Los Angeles.” (03:55)
• Reflects on the weird franchise/title history of teams like the Browns/Ravens and LA/Minneapolis Lakers.

Nostalgia for the Old ESPN, Newspapers, and Sports Coverage (06:30 – 08:00)

• Yearning for the days of checking box scores in the paper: “I miss about getting the fucking paper, dude. You know, blowing by all that smart shit... just going right to the sports page.”
• Recalls early ESPN, with aerobic shows for moms filling time, not endless live games.

Reflections on Parenthood & Breaking Cycles (05:00 – 07:30)

• Bill opens up about how he hides his sports-fanatic side from his kids to keep them happy, expressive, and not “walking around on eggshells like every kid from my generation being fucking scared shitless of your dad.”

Food: The Evolution of Food Network & Culinary Travel (07:54 – 12:20)

• Critique of Food Network’s shift: “It used to teach you how to cook...Now it’s just a bunch of competitions. Those shows give me anxiety. There’s never enough time, never the right ingredients.”
• Nostalgic for ‘Molto Mario’ and authentic culinary storytelling.
• Hilarious tale of getting a performance dinner in Switzerland: “I'm literally...gonna forget everything you say the second you're done because all I'm doing is looking at it, going like, I want to fucking eat that. Can you just please stop talking about it? It's getting cold.” (11:20)
• Riffs on McDonald’s doing high-art descriptions: “This is a pig slime burger...Enjoy the French fries. Were fried in pigeon oil. Don't ask.” (11:46)

Wildlife in Vancouver, Love for Canada (12:30 – 16:00)

• Shares awe at seeing bald eagles fishing on a city campus: “This is in a city. I actually like Canada and I think it says a lot about you if you have a problem with Canada.”
• Lightly roasts various Canadian cities: Montreal and Ottawa = beautiful; Winnipeg? Not so much (“a little...I don’t know.”). Edmonton? “Way the fuck up there.”

Holiday Shopping, Scarcity Scams, and Birkin Bags (16:00 – 18:30)

• On getting Christmas shopping done early: "If you really want to get after it ... get it all done by the end of November."
• Rails against artificial product scarcity (“sold out” tactics online): “You're running a fucking restaurant. It’s 9:30 in the morning. How the fuck did you already run out of eggs and bread? Get some fucking chickens, you cunt.”
• On Birkin bags: “It's the new iPhone for whores. ... They’re not even good looking bags.” (17:07)

Observations on Technology and Consumerism (18:31 – 20:00)

• Calls out tech obsession: “What more do you need the phone to do? Like, how much clearer does the camera and the video have to be? It’s already clearer than real life.”

Memorable Quotes

• On food TV:
  “Now it’s just competitions. Those shows give me anxiety. There's never enough time, never the right ingredients.” (08:20)

• On ESPN of the past:
  “...ESPN, if you can believe it, after they did SportsCenter, they had like fucking workout shows for moms.” (06:30)

• On artificial scarcity in retail:
  “You go on a website and they say it’s sold out. What do you mean sold out? I’m going directly to the manufacturer. ... It’s eggs and bread, you asshole!” (17:00)

• On Birkin bags:
  “It’s the new iPhone for whores ... It’s like the ultimate—look what I got.” (17:07)

• On Canada:
  “As a white person, I don’t understand how you could have a problem with Canada. The people are friendly, and the cities are beautiful.” (13:45)

Sports, Gambling & Cultural Satire

Sports Betting & Black Friday (27:33 – 29:30)

• Wry observation: “You’re not allowed to yell fire in a crowded movie theater, but you can say, ‘One PlayStation, eight bucks!’ and have people trample each other.”
• Satirical solution: “Trump has the right idea with the vans. He’s just putting the wrong people in them. He should be rounding up all the fucking CEOs.” (28:35)

Comedy Scene Reminiscence & Stand-Up Realities

Legendary Comedy Hangouts: The Cellar Table (71:19 – 88:30)

• Responds to a question about the infamous Comedy Cellar “table.”

• Defends the table as a space for brutal, but often inclusive, comic camaraderie and ribbing: “The table was inclusive. As long as you were willing... You just had to fucking do. And you had to survive it. You actually became a better comedian.”

• On the “witch hunt” after Louis CK’s scandal:
  “The level of witch hunt that happened...the amount of people that they went after was...six degrees of Louis’ dick.” (47:20)

• Praises his manager, Dave Becky, and criticizes social-media-based pile-ons without due process.

• Anecdotes about comics getting trashed at the table—a rite of passage, with Bill describing both the fun and pain of “trashings,” and explaining that even the legendary Patrice O’Neal would just laugh and love the ribbing.

Relationship and Life Advice

Relationship Q&A (88:28 – 94:13)

On an 18-year-old lying about weed use

• “If you come clean and she still breaks up with you over that, then you know what? Fuck her if she can't accept you.”

Texting and dating advice

• “Don’t ever send a text when you’re in that [overthinking] mode. ... Sit down, relax, and just think, what do I want?” (94:11)

Foursome story gone wrong

• Listeners share a wild story of a group encounter and its aftermath. Bill’s takeaway: “If you have it in you to fuck a woman right next to your friend, ... you can get through this.”

The Anything Better NFL Picks Segment (101:03 – 130:59)

Structure and Tone

• The second hour is largely NFL picks with co-host Paul Versi and injuries expert Jake the Snake, blending NFL analysis, degenerate gambler dark humor, and charisma.
• Bill’s betting philosophy: Stick with the “Thursday Night Division Dog over 5.5 points” system (110:08).
• Paul and Bill riff about NFL coaches, gambling addiction, and the effect of the concussion tent: “There’s one in every business.”
• Several playful asides about gambling responsibly (“All you have to do, Paul, gamble responsibly. Drink responsibly. Do smack responsibly.” – 115:44) and how “the house” always wins.

Notable Quotes

• On NFL Black Friday and the economy:
  “You get to see how bad the economy is by how many people get trampled to death.” (27:33)

• On gambling:
  “At least on drugs, you don’t even remember what you do. Like, as a gambler, just wide awake, no anesthetic, just losing your paycheck. But gamble on these games, everybody.” (114:43)

Notable Timestamps

• [01:01] — Bill’s gambling theory and sports nostalgia.
• [07:54] — Food Network rant, culinary travel in Italy and Switzerland.
• [12:30] — Wildlife in Vancouver & Canadian city roast.
• [16:00] — Holiday shopping, retail criticism, Birkin bag riff.
• [27:33] — Societal satire on Black Friday and consumerism.
• [71:19] — Defending the Comedy Cellar table and “comedy bullying.”
• [88:28] — Relationship and life advice Q&A.
• [101:03–130:59] — Anything Better NFL picks, concussions, and comedic riffs.

Overall Tone

The episode perfectly encapsulates Bill Burr’s signature grumpy-yet-heartfelt style. He toggles between gripes about modern culture, personal growth, and the absurdities of contemporary life, while Paul and Jake add lightness and camaraderie in the NFL picks segment. Burr’s tangents—overflowing with raw honesty and off-the-cuff wit—transform the mundane into hilarious, thought-provoking radio.

Conclusion

If you haven’t listened, this episode offers everything fans love: sports hot takes, biting cultural commentary, real talk about life and relationships, and genuine moments of hilarity, all delivered with Burr’s unfiltered candor. Anchored by the recurring themes of nostalgia, adaptation, and the challenge of being a reasonable human in a world gone mad, it's a quintessential Bill Burr podcast experience.