Olympics, A.I. Self-Help, Reading | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-19-26

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast – February 19, 2026

Episode: Olympics, A.I. Self-Help, Reading
Host: Bill Burr (All Things Comedy)
Guests/Contributors: Neil Brennan, Andrew Theless, Nia Renée Hill

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Overview

This Thursday Afternoon Just Before Friday, Just Preceding Friday Monday Morning Podcast is classic Bill Burr: a freewheeling, observational rant blending biting humor with commentary on everything from current events, sports, societal norms, AI, and relationship dynamics. Bill weaves personal stories, pop culture, and listener questions into an hour-plus of entertainment full of tangents, playful arguments, and memorable asides. Joined by Neil Brennan and later his wife, Nia Renée Hill, Bill delivers his takes on Olympic sports, self-help AI, reading Larry Bird biographies, the state of gun control debates, and the existential stresses of being a parent and a husband.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Epstein Files, Media Obsession, and Human Nature

• [00:01–01:36] Bill briefly references the Epstein files, commenting on society’s obsession with scandal and the lack of decorum in bringing up horrific news:
  • "Did you hear this? Did you hear what they did here?...there's no rules as to when you should or shouldn't bring up all this horrible shit. It's like, you know, trying to have a...cup of coffee here." (Bill, [00:36])
  • Reflects cynically on humanity’s capacity for evil when left unchecked.

2. Olympics Riff & Color Commentary

• [01:36–02:58] Bill rants about Olympic commentary, focusing on how negative and repetitive the sports commentators are, particularly during bobsled events.
  • "We understand the concept of friction. Oh, that's not what he wanted to do there. That was not good." (Bill, [02:20])
  • Satirizes negativity with, "If I wanted to listen to this, I’d call my mother." ([02:48])

3. Promoting the Patrice O'Neal Comedy Benefit

• [04:09–06:54] Bill and Neil do a bit while hyping the 13th Annual Patrice O'Neil Benefit with lineup details and a loving roast of Rich Voss and his fashion sense.
  • "The goatee from 1997, salt and pepper in that...and then of course, a pair of giant oversized Jordan threes or whatever..." (Bill, [04:32])
  • “Some people hit a point in their life and then they never move past it. And I would say that's Rich Voss.” (Neil, [05:34])

4. Olympic Hockey & The Art of Complaining

• [07:20–08:19] Bill laments the difficulty of following Olympic hockey, admitting he’d rather have something to complain about than find the answers online.
  • "Of course I could [Google it]. But then what would I have to complain about, huh?" (Bill, [07:59])

5. Parenting, Kids’ Expressions, and Plate-Cleaning Culture

• [08:28–09:55] Anecdotes about the quirky things kids say and how parents push “the clean plate club”, poking fun at oversized food portions.
  • "How much chicken a la king can one fucking six year old eat? It’s bread and slop. It’s filling me up. This is concrete." (Bill, [09:35])

6. Car Culture, Vanity Plates, and Franchise Fatigue

• [10:06–11:35] Banter about Los Angeles car culture, classic Porsches, and the play-by-play of seeing a “buttery, creamy brown, brownish yellow” Targa.
  • Discussion devolves into a critique of vanity plates and chain businesses (“Five guys own everything…”).

7. AI Self-Help Videos & The “Silent Man” Trope

• [12:25–14:52] Bill discovers AI-generated self-help videos, targeting the ‘power of the silent man’ concept and mocking both the content and users’ self-identification in the comments.
  • "How come AI won’t make regular looking women? Because AI understands who lies." (Bill, [12:25])
  • "If it was really you [the silent man], you'd be silent in the comments." (Bill, [13:45])

8. DIY Satisfaction and the Joy of Low Expectations

• [15:13–18:38] Comedians riff on the profound sense of accomplishment in simple tasks like cleaning gutters or making a grilled ham and cheese—arguing it’s better to set low, frequent goals.
  • "For a summer school kid like me, what I just did is like NASA-level shit." (Bill, [17:08])
  • Emphasizes rewarding small victories over setting the bar too high.

9. Philosophizing: AI Spirituality, Sandwiches, & Parental Replacement

• [18:29–27:25] Imagines an “AI hot chick” offering wisdom about grilled cheese, jokes about spirituality, and uses a ham sandwich as a metaphor for imperfection:
  • "I’m a lot like this sandwich. I’m unsightly, I’m a mistake. But goddammit if I’m not delicious." (Neil, [21:29])
  • Considers childhood, parental expectations, and the futility of chasing external validation: "Most people, they never let go of their childhood...they spend the rest of their time trying to replace...mommy and daddy." (Bill, [26:57])

10. Reading: Keith O’Brien’s “Heartland” (Larry Bird Biography)

• [23:26–25:16] Bill raves about reading O’Brien's “Heartland”, a biography of Larry Bird:
  • "I am 54 pages into this book and it is fucking amazing. It is amazing.” (Bill, [24:00])
  • Praises the level of detail and research.

11. Oregano Oil Anecdote

• [25:21–26:28] Brief, joking segment on taking oregano oil for a cold—lampooning pseudo-scientific health advice and referencing Neil deGrasse Tyson’s “oil and water don’t mix.”

12. Gun Control Debate—Listener Emails and Riffs

• [73:43–89:35]
  • Reads several listener messages discussing proposals for gun control and mass shooting prevention.
  • Honest musings on gun culture, the Second Amendment, and why people really want AR-15s.
  • "I just wish one of these gun people would just be like, 'Listen, I don’t want them to ban an AR15 because I’m not fucking crazy and I enjoy shooting the fucking woods up with this thing. It’s fun.'" (Bill, [80:44])
  • Advocates for respectful discussion rather than screaming matches: "People will then act civilized as opposed to all you idiots on...social media." (Bill, [84:03])

13. Reflections on Modern Parenting & Relationship Advice

• [89:35–96:21] Responds to listener about the changing dynamics of marriage after having kids, encouraging empathy, regular date nights, and avoiding direct complaints to one's spouse.
  • "I would say, you know, you're doing the guy thing where you just bare bones talking about it. Go on...She has just doesn't want to think, okay?" (Bill, [89:35])

14. Sports Nostalgia: Bruins, Celtics, Lakers & The Forum

• [61:54–64:12; 96:20] Talks about the nostalgia and personal history watching Bruins hockey and legendary NBA matchups at the Forum, plus balancing fandom with being a dad.

15. Gender, Clothing, and Social Commentary

• [41:16–53:14]
  • Bill riffs on the shift in women’s fashion, “hot moms at the mall,” male insecurity, and the evolving boundaries between body-shaming and empowerment.
  • Pokes at figure skating beauty standards, “Olympics as a beauty contest,” and inclusion.

16. Listener Interactions & Family Banter

• [64:12–71:53]
  • Nia Renée Hill joins, offering the counterpoint to Bill’s views on “hot moms at the mall.”
  • Charming repartee between them about parenting, being judgmental, and generational pop culture (Lawrence Welk vs. Soul Train).
  • Lightens the tone with their daughter’s cuteness and family in-jokes.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Negative Sports Commentary:
  "If I wanted to listen to this, I’d call my mother." – Bill, [02:48]

• On Setting Low Expectations:
  "For a summer school kid like me, what I just did is like NASA-level shit for me...Don’t set the bar too high." – Bill, [17:08]/[18:01]

• On AI Self-Help “Silent Man” Videos:
  "If it was really you [the ‘silent man’], you’d be silent in the comments." – Bill, [13:45]

• On Sandwiches as Metaphor:
  "I’m a lot like this sandwich. I’m unsightly. I’m a mistake. But goddammit if I’m not delicious." – Neil, [21:29]

• On Guns, AR-15s, and Honesty:
  "I just wish one of these gun people would just be… 'I enjoy shooting the fucking woods up with this thing. It’s fun.'" – Bill, [80:44]

• On Relationship Dynamics:
  "If you give up arguing with your woman for Lent…and you just sit in the pocket..." – Bill, [44:01]

• On Fashion at the Mall:
  "Everybody there looked like they were trying to fuck an NBA All-Star." – Bill, [45:47]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:01: Epstein Files, Media, Human Nature riff
• 01:36–02:58: Olympic commentary and sports riff
• 04:09–06:54: Patrice O’Neal Comedy Benefit plug and Rich Voss roast
• 08:28–09:55: Kids’ sayings and “clean plate club” parenting
• 12:25–14:52: AI Self-Help Rant
• 15:13–18:38: Gutter-cleaning, ham sandwich, low expectations
• 23:26–25:16: Larry Bird book recommendation
• 73:43–89:35: Detailed listener email gun control debate
• 64:12–71:53: Family segment with Nia Renée Hill

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Tone and Style

Bill is at his best here, blending acerbic observation, self-deprecating humor, and a surprising amount of earnest empathy. The language is raw and candid, giving his rants and asides the kind of lived-in personality and authenticity fans expect. There is a mix of improvisational stand-up, storytelling, and back-and-forth banter.

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Summary

If you missed the episode, you missed Bill at his most Bill: riffing unscripted about the insanities of modern life, recovering from and embracing his own anxieties and social critiques, and finding comedic gold everywhere from Olympic sports commentary to AI "spiritual" advice to the quiet triumph of making a ham and cheese. Time is devoted to gun debate and reader letters, reflecting both his willingness to wade into controversy and his appreciation for open, honest dialogue. As always, Bill’s world is one where humor, honesty, and a healthy distrust of authority reign supreme.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, just preceding Friday Monday morning podcast. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? How you doing? What are you doing for the. You got a winter break with your kids? Huh? You going to the. To the Fucking. You're gonna go off to an island? Dude, I haven't read one word. Dude. Fucking. Dude. I haven't read one word of that stupid fucking Epstein file.

[Neil Brennan]

Shit.

[Bill Burr]

And it doesn't matter. It does. Everybody's reading it. And now. Did you hear this? Did you hear what they did here? And evidently, there's no rules as to when you. When you should or shouldn't bring up all this horrible shit. It's like, you know, trying to have a. Trying to have a cup of coffee here. Wow.

[Neil Brennan]

Oh, it's fantastic.

[Bill Burr]

It's fantastic. What do all of those fucking racist cunts have to say now? That's my favorite part about it. Bunch of fucking white people. What were they. What were my people doing down there? Yeah, tell me again how these other groups are more fucked up than we are. Tell me. Human beings with unchecked powered.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

What.

[Bill Burr]

What could go wrong? What could go wrong? Anyway, if you've been watching the Olympics.

[Neil Brennan]

I haven't.

[Bill Burr]

I kind of tapped out on the Olympics. I watched a little bobsledding. The color commentator was brutal. He just kept going.

[Andrew Theless]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, that wasn't good. That wasn't good. Yeah, that cost him some time. Oh, not good. That's what he was saying the entire fucking time. He said it about both German teams. And then they proceeded to get into first and second place as this cunt was saying everything they were doing was not good. Yeah, we get it. If you hit the side of the fucking thing, it slows you down. We understand the concept of friction.

[Andrew Theless]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, that's. That's not what he wanted to do there. That was not good. That's what you're looking for in a life partner or a coach as you go down the slide of life.

[Neil Brennan]

Sorry. Yeah, don't bring up anything good that I'm doing.

[Bill Burr]

Just tell me. Oh, that wasn't good. Not good. Not. That wasn't.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

That wasn't good.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, it's like, Jesus Christ, if I wanted to listen to this, I'd call my mother. All right.

[Neil Brennan]

I'm in a stupid mood.

[Bill Burr]

It's raining in California.

[Neil Brennan]

I'm sure that guy gets emails every time it rains. Whoever wrote that song. Whoever wrote that song. It never rains in California. I'M sure he always gets fucking emails. Yeah, now what, buddy? Now what?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, really? Why don't you shut the up?

[Neil Brennan]

You know that misdirected. Misdirected anger. Misdirected anger I think is my favorite anger. That's it. You know, just the surprise on all the innocent victims faces that, you know,

[Bill Burr]

personally, that's what I live for.

[Neil Brennan]

I don't know. I saw this woman the other day and she wasn't wearing makeup. So right then I knew she was going to be a problem. You know, the second I realized that she had no interest in trying to impress me or hearing what my thoughts were, I was like, oh Jesus, who was the poor bastard married to this?

[Bill Burr]

You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Anyway.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, I forgot to bring this up.

[Neil Brennan]

I need to bring this up.

[Bill Burr]

I need to promote here the 13th Annual Patrice O' Neill Comedy Benefit, Tuesday, April 28th at New York City Center Theater in New York City.

[Neil Brennan]

Believe it or not.

[Bill Burr]

And you have to say that because the Boston Comedy club was in New York City at the New York City Center Theater in New York City. Doors open at 6:30, show stats at 7:30. We have an incredible lineup with Adam Ray, David Tell, Drew Dunn, Jordan Jensen, Matt Richards, Zarna Garg, and me, Bill Burr. And as always, the evening wouldn't be complete with, you know, arguably one of the best dressed men in comedy, Mr. Rich Voss. You know, and you know what I love about the way Rich dresses? It's not any one thing, it's the way the whole thing comes together. You know, the For Us by us tracksuit with the Fats Domino rings. The goatee from 1997, salt and pepper in that, you know, to show his wisdom. And then of course, a pair of giant oversized Jordan threes or whatever. Some people hit a point in their

[Neil Brennan]

life and then they never move past it. And I would say that that's Rich Voss. Somewhere in the 90s, Rich Voss did Def Jam. And I don't think he was ever able to, in a fashion sense, move on from that. His life moved on, but his clothes did. All right, that should be enough to get him fucking trash me the second I walk in.

[Bill Burr]

All right, tickets go on sale tomorrow, Tuesday, February 17th.

[Neil Brennan]

Oh shit, that already happened.

[Bill Burr]

All right, Tuesday tickets went on sale on Tuesday, February 17th at 12pm Eastern. In case you're wondering, all tickets are what they've always been. 75 bucks. Tickets can be purchased at Patrice Comedy Benefit live or by calling the box office at 212, 581-1212. Who. Who knew Who Knew you could still call a fucking number and get a person. 212-581-1212. All of this information will be posted on my social handles and on my website. That's right, I still have a website.

[Neil Brennan]

I'm not ashamed of it.

[Bill Burr]

Www.billbird.com. and I own the fucking. I own the rights to that until I don't. Shout out and thank you to our lovely producer, Maureen Taran. She's totally the engine behind this thing.

[Neil Brennan]

One of the great producers, one of my great friends that I've had in this business and we've done a lot of projects together. And she always crushes it.

[Bill Burr]

See, that's what you do. You want to be successful, but you're a fucking moron. You surround yourself with smarter people that don't have the internal strength to not be berated by you yourself.

[Neil Brennan]

No, I'm kidding. I would never berate her, nor would she tolerate it.

[Bill Burr]

But I'm not saying I wouldn't try. Have you watched any, any of the Olympic hockey? I heard the USA had a good game yesterday. I don't know what's going on. I don't know where to watch it when it comes on. Is it one of those four in the morning things? I keep catching the replays where all they do is just. They just edit all the shots that were taken whether they went in or not. So you just, you know, it's like, da, da, da, da da. Oh, you know, on the save. Then you get to another hype. Oh, oh, hey, oh. It's not a good way to watch hockey. I got to figure out when they're on. Well, Bill, you could Google it. You could get off your freckled ass and you could fucking Google it. Of course I could. Of course I could. But then what would I have to complain about, huh?

[Neil Brennan]

Here's a conversation I heard at my kid's school yesterday. The kid goes, hey, do you know how to whistle?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, fuck. I forget what the person said. God damn it. Sorry. What do they say?

[Neil Brennan]

Do you know how to whistle? And they said something like, yes, I do.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

But I.

[Bill Burr]

Something about, yes, I know how to whistle, but I can't.

[Neil Brennan]

God damn it.

[Bill Burr]

I can never remember what kids say. Cuz they say it in like just such like a unique way. Like my son was wanted to be done with his meal the other night. Like he just didn't want to eat anymore. So he just goes, hey dad, can I be full now? I just bursted out laughing. I go, yeah, man, you make that decision. I don't you tell me when you're full? But just him saying that made me feel bad. I was thinking like, wait a minute. That is part of being a kid is you're full and your parents are going, what are you eating that? Fuck, man. Eat it all up. It's good for you, make you strong. In this house, you have to be a member of the clean plate club. It was always a clean plate club. It's like, why don't you fucking have portion control? What is this, the fucking Cheesecake Factory? How much chicken a la king can one fucking six year old eat? It's bread and slop. It's filling me up. This is concrete.

[Neil Brennan]

Oh, fuck, look at that. I'm sitting in my car. You hear the rain.

[Bill Burr]

Here comes the rain again. There's yet another one of those vintage overpriced Porsches.

[Neil Brennan]

Oh, that looks like a Targa from the late 60s, if I had to guess.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, it's a fucking buttery, creamy brown, brownish yellow. Jesus Christ, that's gorgeous. Oh, he had a special license plate on it. Special license plate.

[Neil Brennan]

I love vanity plates.

[Bill Burr]

You know, I think that's such a

[Neil Brennan]

great thing that selfish self involved people do is they give you the heads

[Bill Burr]

up, you know, if you never met them before, and all of a sudden

[Neil Brennan]

they pull up with a license plate that says cruisin or something like that. You know, this. This guy's a douche. It's.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, it's over before it starts. You know, hot mom, whatever.

[Neil Brennan]

The.

[Bill Burr]

These, they're never good. I've seen. Oh, wait, that's not true.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

God damn it, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

When are you gonna stop speaking in absolutes?

[Neil Brennan]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

When I. When I gain some sort of worldview. Van Leeuwen, those goddamn people, they're everywhere. Those people are everywhere. Can you imagine if all the fat

[Neil Brennan]

Americans got together and sued them like a class action suit?

[Bill Burr]

Like blame them for their diabetes. I tried to walk away from the store everywhere. I. It was like Starbucks. I couldn't get away from them.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Who thinks to do that?

[Bill Burr]

I'm gonna have a bunch of.

[Neil Brennan]

I'm gonna franchise fucking ice cream, you

[Bill Burr]

know, I know for younger people, that

[Neil Brennan]

doesn't make sense, but I grew. I grew up in a country where they still used to try to fucking. What? Well, I'm still in the same country. I grew up in a time when they actually tried to control people from becoming monopolies. I don't know when the fuck is that gonna stop? Five guys own everything. Five guys, burgers and fries and everything else. Five guys. Five guys own all of it, okay?

[Bill Burr]

And whatever they decide you're getting paid is what the fuck you're getting paid.

[Neil Brennan]

All right, that's it.

[Bill Burr]

I saw my first AI video today that was giving me self help. It's kind of funny. Of course it was a beautiful woman. How come AI won't make regular looking women? Because AI understands hulas. She was talking about

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

us.

[Neil Brennan]

The power of a silent man. Our silent man doesn't argue with you. He dismisses you. Once you become a liability, he da, da, da, da. You know, they just caught talking about how he makes all these moves silently and you don't know what he's thinking. And the loud people, you know, who are trying to get the attention of the room. The silent guy's trying to read the room, you know? And all I'm thinking is like, what is this guy's fucking problem?

[Bill Burr]

Why can't you just hang out, be cool, right? So she goes through all of this

[Neil Brennan]

thing about the power of a silent

[Bill Burr]

man, and then some fucking idiot in the comment writes, rights, that's me, Say, I don't know. You don't sound too silent to me. Wouldn't you be silent in the comments, you know, trying to read the text thread, the comments section, rather than fucking.

[Neil Brennan]

I never comment, but I really want to jump into it.

[Bill Burr]

That isn't you. If it. If it was really you, you'd be silent. Who you are in that story is the person trying to get everybody's attention in the room. You know why? Because game recognizes game. All right, I gotta get a cup of coffee.

[Neil Brennan]

I'm gonna finish this thing in a second. Okay, I'm back. I'm back from the GABA glove. And I actually went home, and I went home, and I don't give a fuck what I was talking about before. I remember, right when I was pressing pause, I was like, remember what you were talking about to pick it up. And then I just realized, I don't care. I don't care because I said it, so it probably wasn't important.

[Bill Burr]

Can you imagine at the end of

[Neil Brennan]

your fucking life if there was a graph? There was an overall graph on how much you said. And then it broke it down to, like, how much of it was important and how much of it didn't matter, right?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, I was talking about the AI chick, given the advice, you know what's

[Neil Brennan]

funny about the hot AI chick given the. The spiritual advice or describing, you know, the guy who's reading the room. Like, who goes to a party and reads the room

[Bill Burr]

Is there something to win here? Like I thought we were just hanging

[Neil Brennan]

out, having a few beers. Most people try to go in and say hello. Not me. I go to the corner, I look at people. Someone catches my eye, I look away. You haven't earned the right to say hello to me yet. I don't like people saying hello to me when I'm busy reading the room. Anyway, as I pull into my driveway and I'll. Wouldn't you know, it wouldn't you know, at this time of year in la, it's. It's raining cats and dogs, he, she's. And they just coming down, splatting on the ground, trying to make their Hollywood dreams come true. And I pull into the driveway and what do I see? The end of my drain spout. I just see this flow of water coming out. Because old freckles old man Billy got up on the roof just like Santa Claus, you know, I didn't land on it in a magic sleigh. I climbed up there. You fat. He does go down a chimney, though, which would be very claustrophobic and dirty. Everybody always wondered, how does a reindeer fly? How does he keep his beard so white, you know, going down all that sooty.

[Bill Burr]

You know why?

[Neil Brennan]

Because most of the chimneys are decommissioned. You can't use them anymore because of these liberals.

[Bill Burr]

Why is it so fun to be stupid? It's just. It's just. It's easy.

[Neil Brennan]

It's just junk food for your brain.

[Bill Burr]

Anyway, I fucking came home and I

[Neil Brennan]

saw the water coming out, and

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

the

[Neil Brennan]

same thing happened the other day. And both times I took a video of it and I sent it to my lovely wife just to let her know how. How much I'm crushing it. And of course, you know, I don't like. They.

[Bill Burr]

They.

[Neil Brennan]

They don't have the ability,

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

all right?

[Neil Brennan]

They don't have the mental capacity to understand how fucking thrilling that is as a guy to go up on your fucking roof, risk breaking your neck, clean all this shit out, only to have it rain a few days later and the whole thing works. I mean, you got to understand, for a summer school kid like me, like, I like what I just did is like NASA level shit for me. Yeah. Like the bar isn't that high. You know what's great about not having

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

the bar set to. Don't set the bar too high.

[Neil Brennan]

I want to make an AI hot chick talking about this. But how stupid is to set the bar high?

[Bill Burr]

Why set the bar high?

[Neil Brennan]

Why not make a bunch of little goals so you can feel like you're Crushing it. Like, yesterday I came home, and I was like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make myself a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with some dill pickles inside and a bag of chips.

[Bill Burr]

Okay?

[Neil Brennan]

That's where the bar was. And I. And I. I crushed it.

[Bill Burr]

What did I do?

[Neil Brennan]

Well, you know, I heated up my pan first. Don't you see why they. While the pan was heating up, you know, I always put the butter in right as I turn it on. Heated, because the butter. The color of the butter, not to be racist, it lets me know where the pan.

[Bill Burr]

Where the.

[Neil Brennan]

Where the. The heat of the pan is, all right? So I'm looking for that nutty brown color. So while I was doing that, you know, I took out some ham, and I'm gonna take you through this whole thing. Took out the ham and cheese. All right? Now, the problem is the ham and cheese is coming right out of the goddamn refrigerator and making a grilled cheese sandwich. You know, there's. There's an art to it where you. You want it to be crunchy, you want to toast the fucking thing, but you also need the cheese to melt. And doggone it, you know, if the bread's too thick, it's gonna fucking.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

That's gonna get too dark.

[Neil Brennan]

You're gonna burn it before the cheese melts.

[Bill Burr]

So it's quite a conundrum.

[Neil Brennan]

Sorry. I downloaded a new app called use a new word every day. Conundrum, fortunately, doesn't ask me. Ask me to spell it. So what I did, don't you see, is as I got the. The. The. The butter was the right color, and I put the ham in. I heated it up a little bit. You know what I mean? Heated it up, and then I set it aside, and I put the cheese on top of it so it's already melting. Then I. Then I butter both sides of the bread. Don't you see? And what I do is I then have them, you know, butter to butter, because I don't want it to get on the plate. And then when I'm ready to go in, the bottom one has the ham and cheese. I go, cheese, cheese, ham, cheese, ham, cheese, cheese. That's how it works, all right? I'm not repeating it in case you're writing down this recipe. Then I go to stick it in the pan, and the top one, I. I flip it over so it's butter side down, so I can take my bacon press and push it down. And it was working like a charm. And guess what? Guess what. I didn't realize when I went to go flip it with the skillet. I mean, with the skillet with the.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

That.

[Neil Brennan]

That thing. You flip it over a spatula. Sorry. Conundrum. As far as I go today, I go to flip it, it was sticking to the bottom of the plan. Wouldn't you know, the goddamn ham. The goddamn ham absorbed all the butter. So I had a nice, beautiful toasted bread, and then I had to hack it up and I fucked it up. I mean, and it happened on. And I knew it was happening, but I couldn't stop and add more butter because then I thought my pan was hot. It's going to immediately burn. And I just plowed forward through it. And I'm not gonna lie to you. This sandwich looked like roadkill. It looked like somebody backed over it twice with a studded tire.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Neil Brennan]

But it was fucking delicious. It was fucking. Once I put the pickles in there, and then when I do, I give a little.

[Bill Burr]

Little sprinkle.

[Neil Brennan]

Little sprinkle. Sea salt on top, you know, And I ate it. It was fucking delicious. And I was able to learn something about myself. I was like, you know, I'm a lot like this sandwich. I'm unsightly, I'm a mistake. But God damn it if I'm not delicious. All right, this is what happens when your wife is at work, your kids are at school, and you're just alone with your thoughts. This is what happens.

[Bill Burr]

What is happening right now?

[Neil Brennan]

You may or may not have asked. I am. I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm losing my mind or slowly becoming a God in my head. You know, there's nothing. There's no difference between me and that ham and cheese sandwich. I am that sandwich. And it is me, and everything is me. Don't you hate spiritual people? You know, it's so aggressive, and they just. Just gotta. Every goddamn thing. They just gotta bring it back to this spirituality, you know? And it's like, dude, you were a last week. Like, what is this? What happened? You know what it usually is when somebody's a. And then the next week, all of a sudden, they're nice. That usually means they. They recently went to HR or they're about to get sued, And there's sort of this desperate. You know, like how you used to do a term paper and you'd wait till the last fucking second. It's like they're waiting to the last second to be a good. They're trying to rewrite their origin story. In a week after being a. For like fucking seven straight years to everybody. Oh, I got to tell you, I'm reading. This is.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

This is.

[Bill Burr]

I'm reading a book, everybody. Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy. Reader.

[Neil Brennan]

It's. It was sent to me by this guy, Keith o', Brien, New York Times best selling author of Charlie Hustle and Fly Girls.

[Bill Burr]

He wrote this book called Heartland, or as they would say in Massachusetts, Heartland

[Neil Brennan]

says a forgotten place, an impossible dream, and the miracle of Larry bird.

[Bill Burr]

I am 54 pages into this book

[Neil Brennan]

and it is fucking amazing. It is amazing.

[Bill Burr]

If you are a basketball fan, if you were half.

[Neil Brennan]

Just a fan of the human experience.

[Bill Burr]

I had, like, you know, I'm from Boston. I'm a fucking state.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Oh, you're not from Boston. You're not even from Greater boss.

[Neil Brennan]

You came from the suburbs.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

All right, take it easy, kid. Take it eas.

[Bill Burr]

All right?

[Neil Brennan]

I was a 15 minute drive driving 60 miles an hour from the heart of Boston.

[Bill Burr]

No traffic with traffic 45 minutes. Go. Joke.

[Neil Brennan]

You know, I had heard stories, Larry growing up, you know, where he came from and stuff. It was all sort of vague. This the in depth way this guy is. The level of research is insane.

[Bill Burr]

Like, he's talking about when he went

[Neil Brennan]

to the University of Indiana. He knows the dorm room number of the software moors down. Like, this is like, this is thorough.

[Bill Burr]

You know, like, if this book was

[Neil Brennan]

about, like if this book was as thorough, you know, about Epstein island, it would all be blacked out.

[Bill Burr]

That so many facts seem to be in this book. Anyway, it's a.

[Neil Brennan]

It's a fantastic read. Oh, Jesus. Dude, that burns. Feeling a little bit of a cold coming on. So when you feel that, you take a little bit of oregano oil and you put it in some water and you give it a good stir. But then what happens is you forget that you put it in there.

[Bill Burr]

Oil and water.

[Neil Brennan]

I don't know if you've ever heard of this. I don't know if you're a fan of Neil DeGrasse Tyson, but I saw him the other day on a comedian's podcast, letting the person know that oil and water, in fact do not mix. Blowing the comedian's mind, dude, bro.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

What?

[Neil Brennan]

Anyway, yeah, so what happens is, is the. The oregano oil sits at the top and Jesus Christ, does it burn. So you got to give it a nice little swirl here. There we go. There you go. There's a little tip for you from the human ham sandwich. A poorly made ham sandwich.

[Bill Burr]

But you know what? There's always tomorrow. And I think you know something, guys?

[Neil Brennan]

This is AI Bill now being spiritual.

[Bill Burr]

I feel like we can use that roadkill ham sandwich as a metaphor.

[Neil Brennan]

This is.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Right.

[Neil Brennan]

I'm just pausing, looking around the room as if you're listening, you know, doing that smile, you know, when they purse

[Bill Burr]

their lips, like I think I just said something clever there, you know?

[Neil Brennan]

And these people always get a follower. You know why? Because most people, they never let go of their childhood. That's what it is. I should talk, right?

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Neil Brennan]

They go out into the world, they. They leave home, they leave mommy and daddy, and then they spend the rest of their time trying to replace. Looking for mommy and daddy. Figures. And someday you just have to wake up and realize that your parents didn't love you. And if they didn't love you, these strangers aren't either.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

All right?

[Neil Brennan]

So that's when you just go for yourself. And you don't give a. You pour in the water supply.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

You work your way up a corporation.

[Neil Brennan]

You fire entire arms of your business, all but one person and make the one person do everything that that part of the business was doing. And then you take all their salaries as your Christmas bonus and you sit there in front of a roaring fire. As a crying prostitute leaves your house. Sorry, it gets dark, people. I think my point is, is to go towards the light. I think that, that.

[Bill Burr]

You know what?

[Neil Brennan]

I think that's what I'm trying to say. All right, let's get to the reeds here for the week. Where were the reeds?

[Bill Burr]

I thought I had it opened.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Oh, there it.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, would you look at that? There it is. Playing his day.

[Neil Brennan]

All right, here we go.

[Bill Burr]

The reads for the week.

[Neil Brennan]

All right, the first one up.

[Bill Burr]

Fast Growing Trees. You know, when you don't have time for a tree to grow at a normal pace, why don't you visit Fast Growing Trees? Did you know Fast Growing Trees is America's largest and most trusted online nursery with thousands of trees and plants and over 2 million happy customers. They have all the plants your yard and home needs, including fruit trees. You fucking so and so. Privacy trees. Get over yourself. Flowering trees. Oh, Jesus.

[Neil Brennan]

Shrubs.

[Bill Burr]

Classic angry dad house and house plants. In other words, your friends, responsibility.

[Neil Brennan]

When you go to fucking. What is it, Beach Boys?

[Bill Burr]

When you go down to Kokomo, could you water my plants when I'm gone? All grown with care and guaranteed to arrive healthy. Well, I would hope so. Jesus Christ. What are other. No wonder you're so popular around the other nurses nursery, sending you fucking unhealthy plants.

[Neil Brennan]

Dude, my fern has aids.

[Bill Burr]

Fast growing showed up that way. Who does that? Have you heard of fast growing trees? None of their. None of their plants have deadly diseases. Fast growing trees makes it easy to get your dream yard. Yeah, just click and order. Grow and get healthy, thriving plants delivered to your door. That's fantastic. They're alive. They're alive and they thrive, Gary. Alive and thrive guarantee promises that your plants arrive happy and healthy. No green thumb required, just quality plants you can count on. You don't need a big yard or a lot of space. You can grow lemon, avocado, olive or fig trees indoors. People, for the next time we have a pandemic. Well, the next time a January 6th expands and you don't want to go outside because somebody with a buffalo head is swinging a fucking samurai sword at your shrubs, you can stay behind your bulletproof glass, laughing, eating fresh lemons, avocados, olives or figs. Every plant is backed by our life guarantee to arrive healthy. Plant scientists on staff to ensure plants are happy and healthy before shipping. I'm going to get some of these lemon, avocado, aloe, fig trees inside my house.

[Neil Brennan]

That's fucking cool. Right next to a fucking amwa. You got a lemon tree.

[Bill Burr]

Plant experts on call to help you plan your next landscape project. Find the right plants and learn how to care for them. Support available 7 days a week via email, chat or phone. Right now they have great deals on spring planting essentials. Up to half off on selected plants. And listen listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase when using the code burr at checkout. That's an additional 20% off. Better plants and better growing at fast growing trees.com using the code burr at checkout. Fast growing trees.com code burr burr. Now's the perfect time to plant. Let's grow together. Use brrrr to save today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. All right, look who's next.

[Neil Brennan]

Let me swirl the fucking water here before I burn my goddamn lips again on this fucking oregano oil. You know, there's a secret fucking spice

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

nobody wants you to know about.

[Bill Burr]

All right, quo everybody, 2026 is the year your business stops acting like a

[Neil Brennan]

game of telephone gone wrong.

[Bill Burr]

If I see one more white person

[Neil Brennan]

tell me that this year is the year of the horse in the Chinese

[Bill Burr]

it was, where the fuck were you last year? You didn't say what?

[Neil Brennan]

It was never last year it was

[Bill Burr]

a snake shedding your skin. It's like you're not Chinese. You don't know what any of this Means it's not your calendar. Shut up. Go buy something at Target. Scattered messages, missed calls, and who's handling this? Shouldn't be a daily ritual. A modern communist. A modern communication system is like giving your team a GPS instead of a treasure map drawn by a toddler. Hey, you don't have to take down maps. Maps worked before gps. Everyone stays aligned, responds faster, and. No, I'm sorry, that just really offended me. I'm a big map guy.

[Neil Brennan]

All right?

[Bill Burr]

Everyone stays aligned, responds faster, and no opportunity disappears into the void. In that moment of clarity, you'll catch yourself saying, all right, let's fucking quo. Get it? And that's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo. Q U O. The smarter way to run your business. Quo works wherever you are, right? From an app on your phone or computer. And let's keep your existing. And lets you keep your existing number. Well, isn't that big of them? When the fuck did my number become your decision? Add new numbers or teammates in minutes, sync your CRM, and rely on seamless routing and call flows as your business scales. I think that means as your business

[Neil Brennan]

grows,

[Bill Burr]

your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. No more mismatchages or disconnected conversations. Yeah, that might be a dick pick.

[Neil Brennan]

You know what? Might not want the same fucking number.

[Bill Burr]

This is. This is a little crazy here. All on the same number. Well, if you text the wrong thing to the wrong number, everyone sees the full thread, making replies faster and customers faster. Feel genuinely cared for. Oh, it's a work number. Sorry, Strike.

[Neil Brennan]

Forget the dick pic.

[Bill Burr]

It's easy. Calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all live in one clean view with full context at your fingertips. Your team communication communicates faster, stays aligned, and delivers a more personal experience. Make this the year where no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try quote. Let's fucking quote for free. Plus try it for free. Plus get 20% off your first six months. How is it free and I'm getting 20% off? When you go to quo.com/burr. That's quo.com/burr.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Quo.

[Bill Burr]

No missed calls, no missed customers. All right, I've never been a mathlete, but how the fuck do you get

[Neil Brennan]

20% off something that's free?

[Bill Burr]

You try it for free in the beginning.

[Neil Brennan]

That's what I would think would happen. Um, anyway. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. I hope you enjoy your Thursday and your Friday, your Saturday and your Sunday. I hope you're smart enough. If you live in the United States of America to remember that it's the United States.

[Bill Burr]

You don't go around hating other states. You never played sports. You never been in a locker room where a couple people didn't buy in and the whole thing went to shit. All right? Don't let a couple of loafer wearing

[Neil Brennan]

cunts mislead you, all right? Never trust a man that you've seen their ankles. All right, then, that's one to grow on. Okay? Enjoy the weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Theless. And the bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday podcast will come on after this.

[Bill Burr]

All right?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Goodbye, dear.

[Andrew Theless]

Nothing more than a simple hate. You pray to God that it was a mistake. Never thought they would turn away. No, you didn't. Now you do.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Hey, what's going on? Hey, what's going on? Hey, what's going on?

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? What's going on with you?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

It's Bill Burt. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 19, 2018.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Two months are almost over. This year is just flying by. It is. If you live out here, you know, you live out here in Los Angeles, it's fucking awesome. As opposed. Just give us the keys. As opposed to living back east, where I guess it's really cold, which is where I'm about ready to go. I'm about ready to go to Becky's because we're doing the sixth annual Patrice o' Neill comedy benefit, all right? Raising money and raising awareness for the greatest comedian that I ever saw live. The sixth annual. It's going to be a great one. I can't wait. I fly out tomorrow. I'm already packed. I got my fucking ticket, you know, I got a nice midday flight, gonna have a good time, and then I'm gonna. I'm gonna do a late night set or some shit at the west side comedy club, shake a little bit of the rust off and go on. And try not to embarrass myself with the level of talent that we have going on there, of course. And you know who? With an added addition this year, the teen idol sensation from the late, great Opie and Anthony Show, Mr. Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa. Half Egyptian, 100% cunt. Can't wait to see him. So anyway, so I'm doing this. I'm doing this podcast in the afternoon. I hung out with my. My family all weekend. I had a great time. Except for the big fight I had with my wife. Other than that, except it was a great time. You Know what I mean? And I, I made a, I, I, you know what? It was Ash Wednesday the other day and I went to church for the first time in a long time just to see the band. They had that Dixieland band. I don't know why they don't have that every week, you know what I mean? I would go every week if they were in the back. They do that. As opposed to coming in with that haunting organ.

[Bill Burr]

My died for you, Right?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

All that, you know, the original, the original support the troops, first responders, the original guilt trip, the Catholic religion. If Jesus was alive today, can you imagine the standing ovation he would get as he walked through the fucking airport? If people weren't staring at their phones, if they saw him, you know what I mean? Anyways, plowing ahead. So it's Ash Wednesday and I've given up arguing with my wife for Lent. I'm just not going to do it. I'm just going to experiment. Just completely. Just, I'm just gonna fucking, I'm just gonna agree with everything. Hey, hey. You want to do this horrific time eater that you'll, you'll experience absolute no joy in? Yeah, absolutely, honey. That sounds great. You know, I'm already been doing it. It's weirding her out, you know, because we went to the mall today, right? Who the fuck goes to the mall on a Sunday? Guess what? This guy. Because I'm not arguing with my wife anymore. Let's go. Go to the mall. Fucking absolutely.

[Bill Burr]

Let's go.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

When everybody else has the day off to go, right? So we go down there. It's. I mean, it was like it was Christmas. There was so many fucking people down. Or the weeks leading up to Christmas, I should say, just a zillion fucking people. We still had a good time, right? Don't get me wrong. I love my wife, I love my kid. I love my role as, as, as being a father. But Jesus fucking Christ, you know, it just gets to the point, man, there's just too many fucking people. I start getting like claustrophobic. So we go down to this place, right? We're fucking hanging out and everything. And I'm just looking around. I actually glad I went because I haven't been to a gathering of people in a long time. I mean, I know people come out to my shows, but the lights are in my eyes so I can't see you. And I cannot fucking believe the influence of social media on just people walking around. It was, it was, it was a shit show. I have never seen so much side boob Underneath boob on top boob with. My wife's going, you stop staring. All these titties, it's just like how they're fucking out. Everybody looked like they were trying to do, you know, the. Was dress like they were going to a photo shoot to get their fucking whatever your. Your main picture on Instagram. All the guys GQ'd up or looking like J. Crew douches. I saw this one woman walking by, and it was just like, she looked like she was on her way to the club and she was pushing a baby. And I accidentally. In front of Nia, I just go, that's not a mom. Moms don't look like that. So Nia's looking at me, she goes, why not? That's what I want to look like. I want to be the hot mom. What's wrong with that? And I was just like, well, I gave it up for Lint. I was like, nothing, Nothing. Yeah, you're right.

[Bill Burr]

You're right.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

And she goes, no, no, I want to hear what you think. And I said, no, well, you know, I gave up arguing with you for Lynne. So, you know, she goes, we don't have to argue. You could just tell me what you thinking. So right off the bat, I'm loving this new power that I have that I'm not going to argue with her. And then, you know, because I'm not arguing with her, she's not going to know what I'm thinking, right? And that's freaking her out. And all I want to say is, hey, welcome to my fucking world. I never know what you're thinking, guys. I'm telling you right now, it's not too late. It's not too late. Give up arguing with your woman for Lent. And this is the. Tell them that that's what you're doing. I'm not going to argue with you. And they're all excited. They think it's going to be great. But then is you. You're. You're like taking away one of their major powers, which is their ability to piss you off. And then you spill the beans. You know, they get you all mad

[Bill Burr]

and be like, all right, all right. I was an hour late because I

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

had another drink with my friends. You know what?

[Bill Burr]

Because I don't break my balls like you do.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

And then she could be like, oh, so you wear that lane, all that, right? So if you just sit there and you just sit in the pocket, like, what was that movie John Turturro did where he played that mobster and he just did that great thing where he just was sitting there like barely audible in front of the, whatever, some fucking Senate committee going, I can't answer that on the grounds I might incriminate myself. I can't answer that on the grounds I might incriminate myself. I can't answer that on the grounds of my incriminate myself. He says it like over and over, this gravelly fucking voice that is so fucking unbelievable right there. They should have just given him an award. Just him saying that line over and over again was better than 90% of the fucking acting that I see, right? So anyways, she's trying to get me to fucking say why, you know, a woman shouldn't be like fucking high heels with her ass jacked up in the air and a tits hanging out, you know, makeup all done, hair all done, all of that shit pushing around a kid now, you know, there really is no reason why she can't be like that. I just selfishly was just sitting there like, I wouldn't want my mom to look like that because then all my friends would want to fuck my mom.

[Neil Brennan]

You know,

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

So much of what I think makes sense until I say it out loud and then I realize how fucking stupid I am. But it was, I mean, granted, I was in la, we went right to the fucking the Grove here in Hollywood, where it's just like, you know, there was some of the best looking

[Bill Burr]

40,

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

50 and 60 year old people I've ever seen in my life. And then you had the young people, Jesus Christ, it was All Star Weekend. You thought all the whores were down at the Staples center in the fucking hotels in the surrounding area. No, they were over at the Grove, the regular ones. Everybody there looked like they were trying to fuck an NBA all star. And none of them were. They were just shopping. And I caught myself in the mirror and I was just like, wow, man, I literally look like I came here in a fucking time machine. I had my old Archie Bunker hat on and everybody keeps breaking my balls because I made fun of Rogan's hat that one time when he said he had a little rascal's haircut on. Hat on. I was gonna say I loved that hat. I just gave him shit cause I thought he was gonna come at me. It was just a comedian thing. Make fun of his fucking hat. He'll be self conscious, he can't see it, it's on top of his head, it's gonna fuck with him. And then I won't have to deal with Joe Rogan unleashing his genius. My Big bald head, right? That's the only reason why, other than that, I like the hat. So I got a couple of those. I got a little pork pie hat. You know, I got my own little fucking Mr. White from fucking Breaking Bad going on. You shave your head as a white dude, I mean, you got to cover it up, especially if you're a fucking ginger.

[Bill Burr]

All right?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I'm not trying to spontaneously combust. I live in a desert out here. I got to keep the sun off me anyways. Need to, like, paint the top of my. You know, paint the top of my head. Like, you know, in World War II, how they would paint the headlights, they'd just be, like, a little slit there. I should paint the entire. My whole fucking head and just have a slit right near my eyes. So I don't blind anybody trying to land at LAX anyways. But there was a lie in the middle of all of that Instagram shit show, which. Who's kidding who? Most of this is just me dealing with the fact that things are changing and nobody cares about my views, which is part of becoming old. It's just sitting there like that. Used to be a shop where you could buy peanuts, right? Nobody cares. Nobody cares, old man. You had your time. It's fucking over, right? So I'm just kind of getting to that realization that I am that guy. I probably been that guy for 15 years, but I'm just, you know, my fucking. I don't know. I'm so full of myself. I finally just realized it. So

[Neil Brennan]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

That's something I. I mean, and I got. Man, I must have looked like a creep. I must have looked like a creep. I'm 49 years old, okay? And I like to think. I try to be a gentleman, you know? Jesus, I try, okay? But here's the thing. If you're gonna walk by with your titties out, I mean, what. What am I supposed to do? That's my new. You know, when I get a text like some gumshoe shit, it drives Nia nuts, and I love it. I'm fucking winning, man. I'm not arguing with her. It's driving her nuts in a little way, you know, because she said, well, we don't have to argue, but I still like debating, so I don't know what's going on with you, as always. My wife doesn't talk like that. That's just how I hear it in my head. So anyways, we went over there, and I went into the Nike store, and they actually have the balls they're selling T shirts that say equality. And I'm thinking, like, isn't this the people? Was it them or Apple that had the sweatshop where people would jump into their deaths? I can't remember.

[Neil Brennan]

But then I looked it up, and

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

it says that Nike has made big strides, no pun intended, in their fucking sweatshop environment. Which, I mean. I mean, what do you have to fucking do, you know? Give one person a sandwich and then you get a higher rating than last quarter? I don't know. Top 10 ways to improve a sweatshop. Number one,

[Bill Burr]

buy a fly swatter.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

One fly swatter for all 10,000 employees. Number two, what else could you do? Have a door where people can go home at some point? A working bathroom? I don't know. I don't know. They're all fucking. Why do they have. You know what I mean? It's so fucking dumb. When I was a kid, they made shirts in this country and it didn't cost you a zillion dollars, but now they're just like, you want

[Bill Burr]

to.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Because that's not because it costs so fucking much to make a shirt. It's because they. They're not going to drop their profits. So it's like, all right, if we can't pay this guy 30 cents an hour, we got to pay in an American fucking 10 bucks an hour? Then you're going to eat the cost in the shirt, okay? Because I'm not having a smaller yacht. You got that, fucko? By the way, I gave to the president's campaign. You didn't. So what I say goes. That's how I think. That's how I think it works without ever having researched how much it costs to make a shirt. That's how I formulate my opinions. You know, I look at a couple things, then I get paranoid, and then I just start running my freckled fucking yap. And for whatever reason enough people listen to this podcast that I continue doing it twice a week, all right? Do you ever think about that as you sit in your cubicle giggling and laughing to yourself, that you're just enabling. You're just enabling the disease of a sick man. Maybe I don't. I think I'm sick. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I am. All I know was the titties were out at the fucking mall and I was walking around looking like a skinny Archer bunk Archie Bunker, and I don't give a fuck. You know, my wife goes, well, don't be fucking, dude. This one girl Walked by, right? Giant ass, giant round fucking ass. And she was, I think she bought salamis from the White Shadow. Salami short shorts off of the White Shadow. And that's what the fuck she had on. Her fucking ass was out. I was like, nia, look at that. Turn around, look at that. She goes, look at what she turned around. She goes, jesus Christ.

[Neil Brennan]

Yeah,

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

guys, you gotta stick around and raise your daughters, okay? I'll tell you right now, if that woman, that barely a woman wearing those fucking shorts, if her dad stuck around for her entire childhood, I swear to God I'll have a gun in my mouth. If you can be a good dad and your daughter still goes to the mall with half her ass hanging out, I don't know, maybe that's this, Is this part of the, the me too thing? The empowerment of women?

[Bill Burr]

If a woman wants to walk around with all of her ass hanging out,

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

that's her fucking choice, you know, that's stupid now where it's like, basically women can now do whatever the they want without consequence, you know, ignoring the number one fucking rule of nature, which is you have the way you wish the world is and the way the world really is, and you have to act accordingly.

[Bill Burr]

You could walk around with your ass hanging out, I wouldn't do it.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

That's not something I would do.

[Bill Burr]

But you know, it is your ass.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

And if you want to have it

[Bill Burr]

out,

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Remember that George Carlin bit that he did? He goes, you ever noticed 90% of women who are against abortion, you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place. It's one of my favorite fights. That's just hilarious. You know, that's a lot of times when you sit there and you know, women are bitching about being cat called. Some of the women who complain about that shit, you're just looking at them going, are you fucking kidding me? Are you kidding me? I swear to God, you walk by a construction site, the only thing you can hear is the sound of people hammering nails. You know, if you're fucking high horse, you know, or maybe that's because I'm not exactly a good looking person and I don't have sympathy for people who get like a standing ovation when they walk by a fucking job site. Am I really supposed to feel bad for you? I understand it's scary. I always looked at it like, you know, like whenever, as a guy you watch like the beginning of Shawshank Redemption and everyone's chanting, fresh fish. This must be what, like, you know, a certain, you know, level of good looking woman feels like when she walks by a construction site. However, in 2018, all women seem to be acting like they're that good looking. And the reality is you're not.

[Bill Burr]

Okay?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Which brings me to Olympic figure skating, all right? If I hear one more fucking figure skater talking about how they had to starve themselves because they weren't the right body type to fucking twirl around in the fucking ice, I mean, am I really supposed to feel bad for you, okay? You've entered a fucking beauty contest, all right? I swear to God, it'd be like, you know, listen to some of these people complain is like me bitching that I can't book a shampoo commercial or how come I can't be the spokesperson for Coppertone tanning. Because you're a bald, pasty, freckled cunt that no one wants to look at. We're in business here. We're trying to make money, right? So I don't.

[Bill Burr]

I did that fucking.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

What the fuck is it? You know? I love that. I don't even know her name. Oh, no? Tanya Hardy, I guess. I don't know the other one's name. Nancy Kerrigan. I know both, you know, I mean, that was just all about a little fucking runt of the litter chick, all right, who should have been like a power lifter or something, and she decided that she was gonna figure skateboard. I mean, they have figure right in the fucking job. You got to be all long and fucking sinewy. Everybody knows that.

[Neil Brennan]

I don't.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I don't fucking get it. I have now. You gotta, like, fucking. You gotta, like, dumb it down. There's a lot of weird shit going on right now. I heard Sports Illustrated use nothing but women photographers this year as some sort of sign of strength with women. It's just like. Well, wait a minute. So all those guys who used to hire. Did any of them get busted for doing anything wrong or did they just all get kicked to the curb? I'm not buying any of this either. Now everybody has to, like, do something. This is like the vagina version of, like, the fucking ice bucket challenge. It's like, why can't I just give you money? Why do I gotta, like, dump shit over my fucking head? What's the cause? Is it worthy? Is the money actually going to the victims? Fine, I'll give it to him. Stupid shows of strength. I don't know. God, I'm in a fucking mood. So Friday night, me and my wife went down to go see Black Panther,

[Bill Burr]

all right?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

And I enjoyed the movie Neil loved the movie. I enjoyed it. But, you know, I had a little sippy sip before I went in there, and then I had two hits of weed. And it's just the weed that they make nowadays. It's just, you know, I'm trying not to drink. I don't want the calories, right? So I had a couple hits of wheat and I was just. I was like tripping. So I'm sitting in that fucking movie, right? And you know, it's a fucking superhero movie, right? And everybody's just like, there's always this big drama with your family and all of that shit. And at one point I fell asleep. Nothing because of the movie. It was because I was fucking flying and I fell asleep for I don't know how long. And all of a sudden, something big and metal got thrown or crashed and it hit the ground. It was like. It was like scraping and. And in my brain, I was flying a helicopter in my skids, hit the fucking Runway when I was trying to taxi. And I thought I was going to flip the fucking thing and do. And I tell you, I fucking jumped. Fucking, like, woke myself up. And he is looking at me like, jesus Christ. It wasn't that scary. But anyways, Nia's going to go back and she's going to go see the one where you put the glasses on. And it's this whole other level. And I can't handle that shit, you know what I mean? I don't. I don't want somebody's fucking hand in my face. And those women with the fucking. The spears there.

[Neil Brennan]

I don't.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I. You know, it's enough for me. It's fucking unreal that people needed to jump off the screen. It's like, this isn't incredible enough. I don't ruin the movie. There's one fight scene, you know, between a couple of fans. It's always family members. There's always some shit going on, you

[Neil Brennan]

know what I mean?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Somebody's dad did something, or somebody's pissed at their sister or they didn't realize, you know, oh, hey, I didn't even know you were my cousin. Oh, fuck. Let's join forces and go fucking try to take the mountain and get the glowing thing and put it back in its rightful place so everybody can live in peace. That's basically the blueprint of them all, right? My beef with superhero movies is like, after they made. Made up like six of them, kind of like all the really good ideas were gone. It's like the Duncan Contest. There's only so ways to dunk it. And the next thing you know, you know, they're bringing out, you know, some guy like Staples is sitting at a desk, right? And somebody's got to jump over him, use the stapler as, like, a springboard or something. It's just at that point, you're just like, dude, you're out of ideas. Okay? We've exhausted what human beings can do. Let's wait till nerds continue to develop these fucking robots and let's see what they can do, right? No, you don't think so? I don't know. What do you guys think of those? When you go to an NBA game and those people come out with the trampoline and they're all flipping around and fucking slamming the ball and everything. That was, like, interesting for, like, two weeks. And then I just started realizing that most of them were white. And I just started feeling bad about myself going, jesus Christ, we can't even do what black people do unless we have, like, a trampoline. And I hate whatever form of entertainment that is, that excitement that they're trying to pass on to you. I'm just too much of a jaded cunt. You know, when they have their eyebrows up, you know, and they're nodding as they come out, you know, like, all of a sudden, we're all in band camp or something. Oh, God, why am I such a. Why can't I just sit and enjoy things?

[Neil Brennan]

I try.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I don't try. This is just naturally who the fuck I am.

[Neil Brennan]

You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Anyways, so Saturday night, I had a great weekend. Saturday night I went to the fucking. I went to Queens of the Stone Age at the LA Forum with Royal Blood opening up. Jesus Christ, what a show. You have to go see it. You got to go see it. It's been. I've been. Heard nothing but great things on this, about this tour coming up. So I was really excited. Every fucking time those. That band was in town, I've been out of town. Every fucking time they played the Wiltern, I was out of town. Where the hell did they. Then they played. Then their next album came out, and I think they had staples. I don't know where they were at. Not this album, the album before. And I forget where. I wasn't in town, so I missed that one. And then I thought I was gonna miss this one. And then the last second, you know, my daughter got sick. So I kind of pushed back my trip to New York, and I was able to go down and see the. Holy shit, were they fucking good? It Was ridiculous. And John Theodore has like this fucking red vista, like kit now. That just sounded incredible. And two times he took a drum solo. I don't ruin the show if they do the same thing every night. They don't strike me as that kind of band.

[Neil Brennan]

But like.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

And it just. It was just. It was fucking unreal. It was just unreal. And that bass player was a bad, total fucking rock star. And then I got to see Royal Blood too, who I'm a big fan of. And me and Del Rey got there. Got there a little bit late, but we caught like half of their set. It was just two fucking people. Bass player and drums killing it. Everybody going nuts. And I always love seeing shows at the Forum too, because I can't believe, like, how small that place is compared to like the Staples center, which is like gigantic. And I probably. The Forum holds just as many people. There's just not so many bells and whistles in there. And every time I go in there, I just look down where the floor used to be being like, this is where Magic Worthy Kareem. That's where McHale. Somewhere on one of these corners, clothesline Kurt Rambis. This is where the. The fucking 76ers came in and kicked the shit out of the Lakers in 83. This is where that Piston team beat the Lakers. I think, like so many. I mean, the Lakers were basically in the finals almost every year. They were in the finals in 80, 82, 83, 84, 85. I might be wrong about that. 86. They missed it. 87 and 88. So what is that? That was like seven out of eight. It was either six out of eight years or seven out of eight years. They were in the finals every fucking year. So I just think of all the wars that I saw on that court, and I actually saw the lakers and the LA Kings play there back in the 90s. I saw the Kings when they played the Penguins against Mario Lemieux. And then I saw a young, young, young Kobe Bryant when he was still wearing number eight. Del Harris was the coach and I think Dennis Rodman was on that team. And Shaq had just got there. Hey, ladies.

[Bill Burr]

Hi.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Hey, you want to talk about that? You know all of the Instagram people I saw at the mall? I didn't tell you any. I was so friggin claustrophobic with how many people there. That was bananas, right?

[Neil Brennan]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

But I was telling the listeners that for Lent, I gave up arguing with you.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Oh, is that what that's about?

[Neil Brennan]

Huh?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

It's Lent that doesn't have to be lent.

[Bill Burr]

But why not?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Isn't it 40 days?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

40 days. I'm not gonna argue with you. So right now, if you want it, you know, if you want it, you can get it. No, any. Any of. Any, like, shit that, you know, that. Oops. Any stuff. Sorry, sweetheart. Sorry.

[Neil Brennan]

Hi.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Hi. My daughter got her ears pierced. I was so against it.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Oh, but she looks so cute.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Yeah, she does. I know, but she's just like, why I was wondering. Oh, you want to see something cute? Why don't you put on my little pork pie hat? This is the most adorable thing ever. Watch this, huh? You gonna start crooning for us?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Strangers in the night?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

You like, Daddy? Isn't that a Barbra Streisand song? Oh, he sang that too. Then he scat. Sang in the end.

[Nia Renée Hill]

She keeps kissing the microphone.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Doobie, doobie doo.

[Bill Burr]

There were.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Hey, don't crush my head.

[Nia Renée Hill]

What was your problem with hot moms at the mall? What's wrong with that?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I don't have a problem with it.

[Neil Brennan]

You're right.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Okay, so this is. This is a. No arguing.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I don't know what to. I don't know what it was.

[Nia Renée Hill]

It was podcast. If you're.

[Bill Burr]

I know.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I just.

[Bill Burr]

I wonder. I guess.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I guess, you know what you were saying? I was just wondering, like, how committed, like, are you? It just seems really self involved.

[Bill Burr]

Like.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Like, I mean, I can't get a tan, but let's say I could get a tan. All right. Oh, you almost fell there. Back up here. So, like, say, like, I'm a dad and I'm walking around. I got a P90X body all tanned up. I got my teeth all.

[Nia Renée Hill]

All white.

[Neil Brennan]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

All whitened hair, plugs and all that. Face all yank back. Let me just. Let me just say. Okay. Okay. And I'm walking around. How much do you think I'm paying attention to my kids?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Listen, I think the better you feel about yourself, the better you are as a parent. Thank you.

[Neil Brennan]

That was like.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

That would have crushed on Oprah.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Oh, she's clapping too. You clapping for mommy? Because I'm right.

[Bill Burr]

You clapping for mommy.

[Andrew Theless]

Yay.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I love how our instinct is to take the microphone. This is. This is definitely.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Oh, yeah, she's a ham. She's a ham.

[Nia Renée Hill]

But no, I think that's. It's. It's fine. I mean, obviously.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

It is. It is.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Oh, did I. I didn't stop the recorder, did I? No, obviously, if you are choosing to, like, you know, do your makeup or whatever.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

She's talking to the mic. I'm watching her.

[Neil Brennan]

She's good.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Hi. Hi.

[Nia Renée Hill]

If you're like, you know, I would play with my child for five more minutes, but I have to do my. I don't know. I don't like to judge people, but I think it's cool that you can, like, have yourself together and look amazing and still go out with the kid and, like, do your thing. I think that's great.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Do you realize that if I didn't judge people, we'd both be homeless?

[Bill Burr]

That's all I do.

[Nia Renée Hill]

What are you talking about?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I told them how I, I, I passed out in Black Panther and I thought I was in a helicopter crash.

[Nia Renée Hill]

You did pass out, but to be fair, you started boozing before we went.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I had one glass.

[Nia Renée Hill]

It was a big glass.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

It's a big boy glass.

[Nia Renée Hill]

It's a. Oh, you were big boy.

[Andrew Theless]

Got your big boy glass.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Could have a little sippy before the movie.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, it was a who boy.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yeah. Anyway, you had a big. You had a big glass. And then, you know, we did the other thing. So I'll tell you right now, on

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

that thing, you're pretty faded. No, I wasn't even buzzed off of that.

[Nia Renée Hill]

You were walking down the street.

[Andrew Theless]

You were.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

That was because you had that psycho weed. I always forget to just take a hit and a half.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I don't have psycho weed. I'm not a wee lightweight.

[Andrew Theless]

Yeah, I am.

[Bill Burr]

I am.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

And I went in there and all of a sudden, this is my brother. And I was just tripping.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

And then I passed out and that. That spaceship or something crashed. Did you feel when I jumped?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Too bad you passed out, because it was a really good movie.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I thought it was what I.

[Nia Renée Hill]

What you saw.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

When I saw it, I really enjoyed. The acting was great.

[Bill Burr]

I like the evil brother.

[Nia Renée Hill]

I'm going to see it.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

The evil brother and the evil white dude was great.

[Nia Renée Hill]

So I like the evil brother, too, actually. I feel like I don't want to spoil it for those who.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Yeah, let's stop talking about it.

[Nia Renée Hill]

All right. I guess it only just came out, but I'm going to go see it again tomorrow in 4Dx. Have you ever heard of this?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

What are they going to do?

[Neil Brennan]

They're going to.

[Nia Renée Hill]

It's like a universal ride where the seats move and maybe they miss.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Spray it with a garden hose.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yeah. I don't really feel like it's necessary for all that, so I'm glad we saw the regular. Look at this child. I'm glad we saw the regular version because so I could really Concentrate on the story.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Okay, so what are they gonna do? They're gonna, like, throw stuff at you?

[Nia Renée Hill]

I have no idea. We'll see.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

It's like Gallagher meets going to the movies.

[Nia Renée Hill]

God, I hope not.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Gallagher's got great material, though. And nobody understood. I'm telling you that. That Sledge O Matic was ironic. He was making fun of advertising, and then everybody took it at face value. Like, I hope he takes this big thing of cottage cheese and I get hit in the face with it. Yeah, they didn't get it.

[Nia Renée Hill]

What's this? What are you giving me?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Anyways, thank you.

[Bill Burr]

Let me do.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I gotta read a little bit of the. The advertising.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Well, we came in to say.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Oh. To say good night.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you. There's a wish and a prayer. What song was that? What? Did every dream I was in a Lawrence workshop come true? And now it's how white a guy I am. The other that you married. Adios. Au revoir. Avido Zane. Good night. And then they'd come in with that. The end of the Lawrence Welk show.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Is he the guy that Fred Arms.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

That was basically our Soul Train. Black people stole Soul Train from.

[Nia Renée Hill]

That was your Soul Train.

[Neil Brennan]

Lawrence Welk. Yeah.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Sounds like.

[Bill Burr]

And now Bobby and Susie, we're gonna.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Your nap time hell.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Because it was boring.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Is that the. Sorry. Is that the guy that Fred Armisen would make fun of, like, do imitation of on. On snl, and then, like, Kristen Wiig would come out as the, like, weird woman with, like, the little hands?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

It might. No, I don't. There was nobody little hands on Lawrence Walk.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No, I know, but I'm just saying. I don't know. I don't know what Lawrence Wel.

[Bill Burr]

Is.

[Nia Renée Hill]

That definitely sounds like some white.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Cool. Whoa.

[Andrew Theless]

Whoa.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Huh? You all excited? You're walking around? Yeah.

[Neil Brennan]

What are you.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

What's so funny?

[Nia Renée Hill]

She just cracks up to herself, like, all day long.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I know. I want to be like, what do you think? What is out of place in the universe? That just struck you as funny?

[Nia Renée Hill]

Remember when she was, like, super, super little? She'd just be crawling along and then she'd just stop and just go.

[Neil Brennan]

Like.

[Nia Renée Hill]

She just has her own little secret thing going on. It's just.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Got it. She has an imagination. All right, let me. I gotta read some advertising. She's gonna touch the mixer.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Okay.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Hey, beautiful.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Can you say bye?

[Andrew Theless]

Bye.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I'll show you. See you. I won't see you no more because I got.

[Andrew Theless]

I know.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Kiss.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Honey, can you Say bye Bye. Bye Bye. And a kiss for all the listeners.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

All right.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Bye bye.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Oh, I have to sing the Meundi song and she can't be in here for this.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Okay.

[Neil Brennan]

Hi.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Daddy is an idiot and he makes money saying filthy things.

[Nia Renée Hill]

Let's go.

[Neil Brennan]

All right.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

All right. See you later.

[Bill Burr]

Bye bye.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

All right, come on. People are getting bored, Neil. They're getting bored. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Well, that's your new thing, to scowl. Somebody tells you not to do something,

[Bill Burr]

you start looking at me like, what

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

kind of authority do you have?

[Nia Renée Hill]

She looks at you. You like you look.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I know. The only time anybody says my daughter looks like me is when she's in a bad mood and she gives somebody a look. Oh, she does look like Bill.

[Nia Renée Hill]

No.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Say bye Bye.

[Bill Burr]

Bye. Bye. Bye. Byebye.

[Neil Brennan]

All right.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Okay, here we go.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, look who it is, everybody. You know what?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Now I feel bad that I made fun of figure skills because I remember seeing this African American woman and she was out there killing it, doing backflips and shit. And they couldn't deal with how fucking strong she was. And they're like, that's not what a woman looks like. So I felt bad for her. I guess I just don't feel bad for Tonya Harding, you know what I mean? And I don't buy that she didn't know it, you know what I mean? If somebody's gonna go out of their way. One of those guys was gonna go out of their way to smash somebody's knee. So you would win. They're gonna let you know because they're obviously trying to fuck you, right? That would have been my argument if I was a prosecution. What kind of guy goes out and breaks the knee of another woman for another woman without telling her? I mean, he's a guy, right? He's a heterosexual guy. I mean, it's somewhere. There has to be a blowjob at the end of the rainbow or he's not getting out of bed in the morning. No further questions.

[Bill Burr]

All right, gun control, everybody.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

J, I stepped into it with this one. I'm trying to see if we can just. Somebody can just explain to me I'm open minded about it because I don't know shit about guns. Why you need an AR15 to fucking defend your house? Do people break into your house in packs of 40? That's all I'm asking. Or is it. Is it better in a tight spot? You know, my big thing with any gun is how loud is it? You know, how loud is it? Like, I don't know if my ears are already fucked up, you know what I mean? I can't even use a cap gun. I think I'm gonna go with just like bare Mace, you know? All right, gun control. I love that you spray mace and then the guy's still coming at you. Then you got to run through the cloud that you just fucking sprayed. Now you both fucking can't see shit. All right, gun control, here we go. Billy Red balls of fire. Huge fan and love your work. Much respect and enjoy your success. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm a lifetime NRA member and I believe in the second amendment. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. We get it. I'm a Metallica fan and I like to rock. Can we not be so fucking redundant? Jesus Christ. K. But. But being that it is an amendment, we could change it to correct it for today's everyday events and happenings. All right, these school shootings could be narrowed down if we would do away with assault rifles. Now, I know there's a lot of gun people right now going, this isn't a real gun person. This is somebody, some liberal fucking hippie. He glued a beard to his face, he rented a bass boat, and then he sanded this in. Trying to act like he speaks for me, he does not. All right, these school shootings could be narrowed down if we would do away with assault rifles, yes, there would still be violence in schools. But a 20 or 12 gauge shotgun is a lot harder to hide than a 9 millimeter Glock. I also have a good idea. Right now you can go to a bass pro shop, Walmart, and half a dozen other stores to buy ammo. Since here in New York we have to register our guns annually, we could also make a state run ammo only store. State run. Okay. State run ammo only store. Kind of like Canada's beer liquor store. Buy your guns wherever, register them with the state annually and buy your ammo through the state. That way, any large or odd ammo purchases would be tracked along with your background check. It's really the best idea I can come up with. As always, hello to the lovely Nia and thank you for putting up with his ginger ass. And Bill, go fuck yourself. That's hilarious. All right, so there's some ideas. There's some ideas. All right, Is okay, mass shooting proposals. Hey there, williest of bills. Here's my proposal to reduce mass shootings. Get communities to come together. It seems like a simple idea, but here's my logic. How many people interact with or even know their neighbors? My parents divorced when I was 4 years old and during my alternating custody I noticed a few major differences in their individual happiness and one of them minor deeds and one of the minor details period was my mother always made it a point to say hi to her neighbors and hand out cards on the holidays where my father avoided neighbors at all costs. Sounds like me. And also was talking shit and saying negative things. Also sounds like me. As an adult, I don't dole out gifts, but I do make it a point to say hi and shoot the shit with all my neighbors. I believe if communities regularly interacted or even held monthly or seasonal events like block parties, they could build a trust and dependence for each other. And if you notice a neighbor kid acting shady, it could be noted and the kid could get the help they needed without feeling disconnected and abandoned. As I said, it's a simple solution as much as I'm a simple man. May one or more gods or fewer bless you and your family and go fuck yourself. P.S. i was raised around people of the LDS faith, Mormons, and I see these interactions between them regularly. Anecdotal evidence or not, it's an idea.

[Neil Brennan]

All right. Okay.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Gun response. I just want to hear what people have to say. I usually comment on this shit. I haven't really, I don't. Because I don't know shit about this. I guess that's what it is. No one has been able to tell me why you need yeah, I just wish a gun owner would be fucking honest when it comes to assault rifles. Why do you want to know? What do you need an assault rifle for? And it's like, I don't need one. It's just fucking awesome to just go down to the gun range and go, yeah, right. And just fucking have a good time with it. It's like, who needs a fucking Ferrari? Nobody.

[Bill Burr]

Right?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Nobody needs a fucking Ferrari. All you need is a goddamn you to fucking Prius to get to work.

[Bill Burr]

But who doesn't want a Ferrari?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

They're awesome, but in the wrong hands. All right, Gun response Billy ban bullets. I never said to band bullets. Love the podcast like that. You're a very humble guy. I'm completely full of myself, sir. Doing stand up at night is not enough. I have to still have a microphone in my hands, even in my house. Okay.

[Bill Burr]

I love.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

I grew up in South Alabama and I'm just getting out of the Marine Corps officer training. Stereotypically, I'm a conservative with a moderate knowledge of guns. So to answer your question, the Second Amendment is to protect yourself and others from Tyranny. Exactly. That's why with that other guy saying that only the state should give out the bullets that I didn't like, because I don't trust. Not like I don't trust the government, man, just the way that it's set up right now. It's just, I don't know, it's just, it's not, it's not a good thing if only the people who are in control have the weapons. Yeah, I, I just don't think that, you know, we already see what it's like if, if only the people in control own basically all the major news sources. You see what it's done to this country. If you're paying attention, how few things you can talk about, which is why everybody is sitting around talking and calling everybody heroes and this and that and fucking. This person's brave and this person's a bad person and blah blah, blah, blah. It's like they've turned us all into like we all went back to school. Like we're sitting on a fucking playground and we have major goddamn problems that nobody's talking about. You know, I'm off my high horse, okay. Stereotypically I'm concerned, okay. Seems far fetched, but look up deaths from government tyranny in the last century. Semiautomatic rifles like the Armalite 15. I guess that's the AR15, aka the AR15.

[Bill Burr]

Yep.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Are the minimum needed firepower for a guerrilla militia to fight organized militaries. AR15 is not a military grade weapon or assault rifle by official standards. The main reason being effective firing range. Pistols are almost as effective at close range. So a ban on ARS won't do much, if anything, for most of these horrible events and will eliminate purpose of second amendment. Well, I mean. Well, now wait a minute, dude. Wait a minute. The. How much, how fast you can shoot and how many people you can fucking hit? I mean, if you walk into a crowded area, how good a shot do you have to be? I just wish one of these gun people would just be a. Listen, I don't want him to ban an AR15 because I'm not fucking crazy and I enjoy shooting the fucking woods up with this thing. It's fun. I just. There has to be a way. It just can't be that fucking easy for a fucking lunatic to get their hands on. Because the bottom line is there's nothing wrong with guns as long as you're not a fucking lunatic. But the problem is, is it's obviously too easy as a lunatic to get one. Does that make Sense to gun people. Non gun. I mean guns are fucking great. Like I can guarantee I have a baseball bat under my bed. And I can guarantee you if anybody came in my house, what's the one fucking thing I would wish that I had? I wish I had a fucking gun. You know, my, my wife doesn't like them, she's afraid of them, which I get. Now we got a kid, so I'm not, you know, I'm not going to fucking do that. You know, I, you know, and I also don't think, you know, if we get, you know, turn everybody turning their guns, the only people can do that are honest people. What are bad people gonna be like? Well, I guess we got to turn in our guns. I just, there has to be some sort of. I don't know how the fuck do you figure out who's fucking nuts or not. That's the problem. Anyway, subsequent, subsequently, almost all gun deaths are from pistols. Solution increase, increase the age of legal purchase to 21 for anything except pump action shotguns and black powdered rifles. Pistols, you already have to be 21. Okay. Also armed security at schools. Not a cure all, but better than nothing. Yeah, why don't they have armed people at schools? You know, I wouldn't have a problem with that. By the way, founding fathers had a concept of machine guns and certainly of semi automatic. They weren't using microaggression aggressions. Yakali lib. What do you mean they had a concept? I have a concept of a flying fucking car. Do I know what that's going to do to the world? I hope all that clarifies a point of view without being too in depth. Thanks for questioning your stance on the issue. What was their concept and how do you know they had a concept? Did new evidence show that they had this? What did they have beyond what that, that first one they came up with where it had to be like pushed by nine people. And then you had your little crank and

[Bill Burr]

you know,

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

then the guy who came up with the machine gun, he wanted to do that to lower deaths. I heard some other bullshit, I heard like he was just like, well this thing can shoot as much as an entire platoon, so you won't have to have a platoon. Then you can have less people in the army because this person is going to be shooting just as much. And then all the sickos at the

[Bill Burr]

top were like that.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

We will have a platoon of platoons with all machine guns. And it just keeps. That's, that's war. That's a completely different thing. I'm gonna go out on a limb. And I don't think the founding fathers had a concept of what the fuck of. Of the level of population. I mean, there's just so much was different back then that they had the concept of an AR15 and a food court in the 1700s. I, you know, maybe they did. I mean, they were. They were pretty, you know, I don't know, flying kites with keys on them. I guess that makes you a smart guy. I don't know. All right. All right. Gun. Yeah, but I like this because nobody's telling me to go myself or anything like that. You notice people when you just sort of ask what you're thinking. People will then act civilized as opposed to all you idiots on fucking. I shouldn't say it. Oppose you. All of you individuals who all have a right to your opinion. The way you guys address each other on social media is, you know, I don't know, it's just the quickest way to having a vein popping out of your forehead.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Gun. ESPN Billy Musket mug. I know what that means. It's funny, you write about the media turning the shootings into ESPN for killers. The number they keep throwing around is 18 this year. They're counting suicides. A time where a gun went off in a car. Another was a kid who pulled a police officer's trigger in class. Here's an article about it. No, I was saying that in the mass shootings, the way, the way they say, like, this is the deadliest, this is the third deadliest, this is the most. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they splatter the person's face all over the fucking news. And I just don't think that they should show the person they should die anonymously and that's it. I would even, like, not even cover the fucking story. I mean, the people that need to know know people that lost people or had people affected by it, okay? And I don't know to go beyond that, then what am I sitting there watching it for? So I can watch people cry and see people with the worst day of their fucking life? Why do I need to know that that that happened?

[Neil Brennan]

Okay?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Law enforcement is going to get the person, they're going to fucking prosecute him and all of that type of shit? Why do I need to know that that is going on? I can't defend myself against it. I'm not going to go do it. Right? However, if you're some sicko and you're watching that shit, you know, I think sickos watch those Stories the way, you know, I used to watch rock bands and it made me want to play drums. All right, non Americans. View on guns. I'm of the opinion that the occasional mass killing in the US Is the price you pay for your government not turning into. Into Hitler's Germany or Stalin's Russia. It might be the only thing keeping your government from going full retard. My country, New Zealand. New Zealand might be protected in turn by the stability of the usa. That guy must be way smarter than I am. I don't know what the fuck any of that means. I'm of the opinion that the occasional mass killings is the usa. The USA is the price you pay for your government not turning into Hitler's Germany or Stalin's Russia. So because we're allowed to be freer than them, the price we pay. Is that. Is that what you're saying? And it might be the only thing keeping your government from going full retard, which, if you look at the economics of the war that we're fighting, it has. Because I don't know how we keep doing this or why we're throwing this much money at, you know, I don't know, you know, why the fuck we're doing it. Everybody does. All right. Lifting weights. Hey, Bill, I'm a longtime fan of the podcast. Just wanted to respond to your comment about not lifting weights. While it's great that you recognize the negatives of lifting weights as a primary routine, I would not count out curling a few dumbbells every now and then. There's been a lot of research about the cardiovascular benefits to basic weightlifting. I suggest low weight, high reps at least once a week. Thank you. I 100% agree with that. All right. But the problem is I came up in the 80s, so it's all about, dude, what are you benching? And how I got hurt was one time in my life I was able to put up 225, which is 2. 45 on both sides. I finally felt like a big boy in the gym. So like an asshole, whenever I first hurt myself, which I think I was 48, you know, I heard a year ago this past October. So that would be in October 2016. I had a fucking gym put in. I was all excited, and I fucking. The first day fucked up my shoulder, and I'd never done it before, so I just tried to push through it, and I kept lifting. And now it's just completely. It's completely fucked up. And every time I think I'm getting towards the end of it, like, I Have, you know, I. I now have the strength back where I can, like, you know, pick up and everything, but my mobility is really up, so

[Bill Burr]

I

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

haven't been to the physical therapy in a minute. I got to get back to that, but I just got a little busy here. But I agree with that 100%. Use it or lose it, but, you know, don't try to fucking lift what you lifted when you were 20. All right? My wife is nuts. Hey, guys, keep sending shit in about the gun control stuff, because I think it's. It's really interesting as far as, like, you know, to just hear people's opinions and where they're from and why they view stuff the way they do without fucking screaming at each other. And hopefully, you know, I don't know, I just. Can somebody weigh in how. Okay, whether you're pro gun or not Pro gun. All right, how. You know, because psychos do. A lot of psychos get in cars and they drive into fucking people and all of that shit. You know what I mean? They don't try to fucking make. Take cars away from everybody. I know that's overly simplifying it, but, you know, I think it's. I don't know. I just don't even know. I'm not into guns. I just don't look at them like they're these. These, like they're alive and they have the devil in them. I do find them scary. You know, I have gone to gun ranges and I shoot, and it's fun. Once you kind of. It's like anything. First started flying a helicopter, I was like, is this thing gonna chop my fucking head off? And then once you get into the physics and how the whole thing works, it becomes absolutely fascinating. So, you know, I think those people go skeet shooting. I think that's the shit. And I think people that hunt this, it's fucking amazing that they know how to do that. Build a fire and survive outside. It's probably an important thing that you need to know how to do. I respect all of that shit. It's just how to. So. And those people should be allowed to continue doing that. I just wish there was a fucking way that you could figure out when somebody came up to be like, hey, maybe that's. There's something good for Alexa is everybody bugs their house, right? Maybe one of those fucking lunatics will be muttering to themselves, you know, God knows I have a little camera in there. And they'll see the person bringing all this ammo. I don't know even that just. Even if you limited the amount of ammunition, the amount of damage that you can do. Just buy, I would think just buying a box of bullets. It's nuts. I didn't like talking about it. It's so creepy. All right, Wife is nuts. But I appreciate everybody calmly discussing this, and I respect all of your opinions. All right, Wife is nuts. Bill, longtime listener of the podcast. Dude, can you shed a light on why my wife is unable to have a real conversation about anything tangible? Politics, current events, music, sports, etc. I swear, she has no interest outside of her work and trashy TV, Teen Mom, TLC shows, etc. It's kind of sad. She used to be so interesting, but now that she's a mom, she's a bore. Well, she's tired, man. Life is just not fun to her. I love being a father, but I just sense she can't handle the life side of her life. What gives? She's a fantastic mother to her son, but is mailing it in as a wife. All right, I'm not gonna lie to you. I've run into these kinds of problems, all right? You know, shit changes, obviously, when you have a kid, but with a woman, they like. I don't even know what the fuck's going. They have, like, thunder and lightning going on in between their ears, like, all hormones and all this crap. And they get a C section. They got to recover from major abdominal surgery. They're going through a lot of stuff, plus, you know, their body literally changes. They put on weight and shit, and it's, like, so easy to fall into a depression, get overwhelmed and all of that type of shit. So. So I would say, you know, you're doing the guy thing where you just bare bones talking about it going. She unable to have a real conversation about anything tangible. I can tell you why. My wife watches trashy tv. She sometimes just doesn't want to think, okay? And, you know, the level of worry that they have, you know, about what's going to happen to the kid, am I doing a good job and all that type of shit. What you need to do, you need to have a date night once a week, once every two weeks. Get a sitter and go out and kind of get that going again, all right? And I think your wife will enjoy it. You guys will enjoy each other's company. You got to have, you know, most of your life is going to be about the kid, but you got to have that one little thing, right? That's what I would do. And all the shit that you said to me, I would not say to her. So anyways, that is the, that is a park. Oh, did anybody see when the, the Bruins played the Calgary Flames at home and they had the reunion of the 197778 Boston Bruins that set a record even though they lost back to back years to the Canadians of the finals. Fucking heartbreaking losses. But that team had like the most 20 or more goal scorers on it. And all of these guys I hadn't seen in like right when I started watching hockey, these guys were the Bruins. It was Wayne Cashman, Terry O'Reilly, Stan Jonathan, Peter McNabb. That with Gene Mattel or Jean Mattel. He was gone by the time I started watching. John Wensink was gone. But I would just talk about the 20 goal scorers here. Rick Middleton, he was one of my favorites. They did this great thing where they had, they just brought him back and they were showing all the highlights and they had Don Cherry come out, he was the coach at the time and it was so fucking great to see those guys. And he did all these interviews and laughing. They're all fucking hockey players of this shit. It was just for the most part just humble and that type of thing. And they were laughing like Stan, John, hey, you're known as a tough customer. It's like one of the toughest fucking guys that ever played. And he's like, hey, you know, I had a couple of scraps or whatever, just yeah, whatever. Doesn't need to prove anything. And I actually only watched the first period and we played horrible defense in that game. I hope we fucking ended up winning that. But I'm trying to hang in there with the Bruins and the Celtics. I know I haven't been talking about much this year, but my kid became mobile so I spent most of my life running around after her. And when she goes to sleep, I sleep.

[Neil Brennan]

You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

It's like that ludicrous song, right? When you move. When I move, you move. That's the other way. When she sleeps, you sleep just like that. When you sleep. Whatever the fucking song is, that's what I always sing when I put her down. When you sleep, I sleep. Just like that. And she goes hehehe. And she fucking laughs and falls asleep. And then I shut my eyes, which feels like five seconds. Then I have to wake back up again. Which is probably why I fell asleep during the phenomenal Black Panther. Go out, check it out. Really enjoyed that movie. Even though I fell asleep and thought I was in a helicopter crash. All right, that's it. And my apology to figure skaters, you

[Bill Burr]

know what I mean?

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

Why do you have to be skating around all fucking emaciated? You don't. I think it's about time they got some fickies out there. All right? God knows, maybe they can do some new tricks. Okay, that's it. That's the podcast. I'm off to New York and I'm going to do that benefit. Looking forward to seeing Bobby Kelly, rich boss Joe DeRosa, all the people out there. Shout out to Colin Quinn. I know he's doing better and all that stuff. He's been to just about every Patrice o' Neill benefit. Salt of the earth guy. So giving him a shout out. So hopefully he'll be up and around. I can run into him in New York and try and break his balls. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves up. Check in. See? Check in with you on Thursday.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus.

[Andrew Theless]

The songs you sing, the nos you give. I think about it mostly every day Cause of you still to shine now and then you seem to cloud my eyes yes you do what do you do? It comes in waves, comes tumbling down I see you laughing with your head in the clouds and please don't tell me there's another one waiting around for

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

you.

[Andrew Theless]

Monday morning we arrive the time it takes to pass you by no way will slow me down the songs you sing, the notes you give and please

[Bill Burr]

just tell me

[Andrew Theless]

when you're going to run away with me. Don't you say is that I hear Is that you? Well, my love it keeps me from you Is it true? Well, my love is my love it

[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

keeps me from you.

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[Bill Burr (alternate or main speaker)]

a little, and even a little.

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