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Monday Morning Podcast
Opening Night, Baseball, Val Kilmer | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-3-25
01:35:27
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Transcript30 lines
- [00:00]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you, Just checking in on you, seeing how your week's going. Oh, Billy Freckles.
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Unknown
Oh, Billy Freckles.
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Bill Burr
Big news, big news. I put on a pair of 34 inch jeans, legit ones, old school cotton ones, not these new ones with the elastic waistband where you think you're a fucking 34 and you're actually like a 40. You know, because they don't want you to know that your food supply is poison because they can't give you the truth, right?
- [00:39]
Unknown
They got a dude they still we talking about. These are 34s.
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Bill Burr
They still fucking fit. So put these things on. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna act like these, these jeans weren't a little tight. I'm not gonna act like these things, if I wore them for more than 20 minutes, would not affect my mood for the day. But I was able to get him on. So this is, you know, as much as I'm back here doing this play, this is my fat camp. So if I'm gonna be away from my family three out of four weeks out of the month, then I gotta get something positive out of this. So I've just been going to the fucking. The big gay gym every fucking day. By the way, that was been my, my stupid dad joke saying my gym is so gay it's spelled J. I am. But anyway, underrated. Going to a big gay gym because those fucking dudes are in ridiculous shape. So you just like, you know, they make you feel even worse about your goddamn dad bod. So I've been doing that and I've just been doing, been doing the play. And we got past opening night, so this whole thing has been just such a crazy trip. So you have your rehearsals, however long that is, get to know the cast, the director, everybody else on the show, and then you have your first show. You know, eventually you move out of the rehearsal space and you go over to the theater and then that's when it starts getting exciting and you start getting the butterflies going like, oh my God, I. We're actually gonna do this. I'm gonna be a part of this. This is fucking scary. But it's exciting, right? And then you have like, the first night is like this friends and family, you know, it's like an adult recital. You know, when you go down to see your kid do a little performance. Nobody heckles everybody's gonna applaud. That's the first one. And then you do three weeks of previews. I never knew any of this shit. Three weeks of previews. And that's this weird thing where, like, they say critics can't come down and review it, but everybody's paying full price for tickets, so you still have to have a good show. And then toward, like, the last three nights of the previews, the critics come, you know, and whatever. I mean, we ended up getting really good reviews. There was a few people, you know, one person wrote a whole article, didn't like it because they thought it was in the wrong venue. Like, they only do musicals on this theater. I don't know why you'd have this project. I mean, I didn't read any of this shit, which, if you're in this business, that's what you have to be. I just got feedback from people saying it was all good stuff except this one and this one. But, like, this is another thing I didn't realize, like, how you get these theaters is, like, when they said, okay, we're gonna. It's official. They're gonna do the play again. They just have to wait for a play to be available. It's not like you can just be like, okay, and we're doing it here. It seems like what you have to do is you have to wait for another play to close. Either it ran its course or wasn't selling tickets. Oh, my God, yawning today. Or it's not selling tickets. And then the thing becomes available. So this place became available. So, like, all right, we'll do it there. And this person did not like that. But other than that, we got. We got good stuff. So then you're working your whole way up to opening night. So I was like, oh, my God, opening night. This is going to be scary. Because I thought that that's when the critics were there. Critics already come. And then opening night is actually like, one of the best nights because it's all these fancy pants Broadway people, you know, big famous actors come out and. And everybody's rooting for you. They want it to be a good place. So it ended up being. It ended up being great. And I deliberately made sure that I didn't know who was in the crowd, which was cool. And then the big. Then the toughest show is like, the next day, one of the actors on the show, Donald, was saying the same thing, like, the next day. So that after you, you know, you have opening night and all that, it's weird. You feel like the play's over. Like we did it victorious. They love the show. Oh my God. Everybody's saying it's great, right? And then you wake up the next day and Tuesday you like, oh shit, I got a show tonight, I got to do it again. So in sports that's known as the letdown game. So we got all amped up to do the next show and we've been, we've been killing. We have. Oh man, like we had a fucking killer matinee yesterday. I kind of get fucking amped up for those things. The matinee cuz people. Oh, it's gonna be, you know, it's the blue haired show. Like it's a bunch of old people and you look out, it's not old people. So you know, they paid a bunch of fucking money for the tickets. You got to kick the shit out. And it's kind of fun to kick the shit out of people in like the, the afternoon, you know, because I think even they're thinking like, you know, see the play, I'll be in bed by seven, get my eight hours or whatever. And then you come out and you kill it. It's, it's like a really nice surprise. But those matinee shows, I can't remember if I talked about this. Forgive me if I did. I just been running around crazy getting ready for that big opening night thing. I got this like attitude from doing Stand up, the third show on a Saturday night when you'd be doing a comedy club and like nobody would show up. You'd have like 10, 20 people there. And I would go out there with 10, 20 people energy and, and the show would suck. So finally I can't remember who the hell it was. Some road dog comic told me, goes, don't go up there like that. He goes, go up there and. And it's not those people's fault that they're the only ones who showed up. You know, go up there and make, you know, those 10, 20 people wish that they all brought 10, 20 people and just put like a positive spin on it. And I ended up having like some of my best fucking shows were like the third show in front of like, you know, 25, 30 people. They ended up being like, sorry, I know making you guys join, but I gotta knock this thing out because I got a bunch of, I have to do today. I end up having some of my best shows doing that. So anyway, we're on the other side of it. So now the big challenges, because now, you know, it's out, it's a hit it's, you know, just about sold out, so everybody's very happy. So the big thing now is, you know, to come in there mentally every night and just know who's ever in that crowd, this is their night to see it, you know, so you got to make sure. Yeah, you keep that level of excitement. And I'm figuring out by watching all these other amazing actors on the show is they do it a little different every night. They try something else, which sort of makes it fresh for them, surprises, their scene partner and all that. And, yeah, I mean, who knew. Who knew doing Broadway would be this fun? I mean, I knew it would be fun. I just didn't know it would be this, like, much of a learning experience and everything. So very thankful for that. What the fuck is my phone saying? Something went wrong with the upload. Jesus Christ. This is just some fucking person on the other side of the world trying to get me into my phone. Is that what it is? I wasn't uploading anything. Like, why would you do you just send that out to somebody to randomly try to get into their goddamn phone? Anyway, plowing ahead here. I haven't watched the Austin Dakota race yet. In MotoGP, I did see the Sprint, and it's getting ridiculous. Mark Marquez won that, so he's won all three sprints. He's won two other races. And, you know, if he wins that third race, then, like, what is this season becoming? The only person that can hang with them is his brother Alex. Literally, the Marquez story, and. And then it just seems like Pekko's gonna be in third place the whole fucking year. There's no way everybody's gonna sit back and just tolerate this. Right? I don't know. It feels like when I first started watching MotoGP pre pandemic, that what I'm watching here, this level of dominance, it's fun to see him come back, but there is going to be a point of, like. Like, dude, what the fuck? You know, like. Like, those torpedo bats that the Yankees are using, like, let's just take it away from the Yankees. I just feel like that's dangerously going into golf territory. Like, you know, we're finding everybody's. You know, too many dentists are going out there and they're slicing. What can we do to the ball? What can we do to the club to make this person who sucks, you know, it's like, it's not up to the dentist to go out and fucking fix his swing. They're gonna fucking fix the club. Design the club around what you suck. At to straighten out your fucking shot. It's stupid. So I was listening to Will Clark talking about it and it was like the analytics people saw that, you know, too many of the Yankee players were getting jammed and hitting the ball on the label of the bat, which usually means, I guess you get out like I don't know baseball to that level. I'm not going to lie to you. So they just put a bunch of it just moved a bunch of wood down there and made getting jammed like you were hitting it on the sweet spot of the bat. I mean that is fucking insane to have to do that. I get it with golf, so many non athletes play golf. But even then it's stupid. It's like why did you take up this game? You know what I mean? Like, or this activity, whatever the fuck you call golf. Like you go out there and in part of the thrill of trying something new is the mechanics, learning what you're doing wrong, the frustration, pushing through it, sticking with it and all of that. But to go out there and just put fucking training wheels on the goddamn equipment, then you're hitting it straight like a pro is fucking ridiculous. That's ridiculous to do to just some jerk off who's all happy because he sold out the working man and got a bonus and can now join a fucking country club and play golf. It's bad enough when they do it at that level to do that at the baseball, the major league fucking level and give them a goddamn bat that corrects go take some fucking BP like everybody else had to. And you mean it'd be bad enough if the I would be saying this that the fucking Kansas City Royals did it and they historically since you know, free agency got out of control, have been treated like a minor league team. But to have like the fucking 275 million dollar New York Yankees doing it, it's, it's like in watching these fucking Yankee fans, the same ones who back Deflategate, the football's a contail lighter. And the investigation was conducted by the owner of the losing team. The team that lost by 35 and let up over 300 yards rushing and also had the same amount of underinflated balls. The New York fucking media was just all over the Patriots about that, never gave it up to us, are all looking the other way on these fucking bats is just like, it's literally what's wrong with like it's how super the super rich get everyone underneath them fighting because everybody thinks that they're fuck, you know, okay, if my team wins that Means it's good, it doesn't matter how the fuck they're doing it, rather than having a legit, you know, right and wrong. Oh, my God. I wanted to read this to you because I said a long time ago, when I was listening to people arguing politics, I said, you know, you know, I don't mean everybody. I just mean people that are like a staunch Republican or a. Is it a staunch Democrat? I always hear staunch Republican. What's, what's the word for like a staunch liberal? A serious liberal. Right? I used to listen to these people argue sometimes, and you just be watching one person just dying on a hill and you just be thinking like, dude, this person would rather be right, would rather win than be right. You know what I mean? Would, like rather win the debate than actually get to the truth of the matter, which is bizarre to me. So I don't know. In my Instagram feed, listen to this thing that came across. In Greek philosophy, there are two terms. I probably read these, probably going to pronounce these wrong. Philosophia and phila Nikia. Philosophia means love of wisdom. Wisdom think philosophy. Philonachia means love of victory. Think of Nike. Nike, however the fuck you say that company. These aren't my examples. I'm just reading what this person wrote. In every discussion or debate, every discussion, debate, or disagreement, each party approaches it with one of these two mindsets. When coming from philosophia, love of wisdom, you do not care about who is right or wrong. You simply care about coming to a deeper mutual understanding of the topic at hand with your fellow speaker. When coming from philonikia, love of victory, you do not care for learning. You do not care for truth. All you care about is asserting your stance as right and the stance of the other is wrong. Too many people today approach every discussion with the mindset of philonicia. Most people identify with their opinions, so a threat to their opinions is perceived as a threat to their very self. And the discussion becomes one of attack and defense. There is no need to attach your sense of self to any opinion. You are not your thoughts. By detaching your identity from your opinions, you can approach your discussion from philosophia and prioritize learning and growth over being right. Understanding this distinction, this is. This is one of the coolest parts. Understanding this distinction will help you notice when you are speaking to someone who is coming from Phil and Ikea, in which case you are wasting your time. But don't get worked up. Just let it go and walk away. So I've been having some of the best, like, discussions with my wife since we've been together. Because both of us are doing that Phyllis Sophia thing. Not because of this shit. We just. I don't know, I think we just got tired of arguing. And it used to be. I'm not saying we still don't do it. We were both, you know, doing the guy girl thing, right? This is my point. I'm talking logic, you're talking emotion and doing all of that shit. But when you actually just try to hear what the other person is saying, it's unbelievable. Like, this piece comes over the discussion and then it becomes like this healing thing. And I know this will never happen in political debate. I don't know why there's something about politics more so even than sports. Because that's usually, like, the analogy that people use, that it's just like, you know, your team cheats, mine doesn't. You know what I mean? The guy's out by a mile, but it's your guy. So you like, oh, you know, I don't know. I think he got his toe in there or whatever, right? So one of the hardest things as he just as a sports fan is to try to be, like, looking at something and being like, all right, that was a bad call. The older I've got as a sports fan, I've been. I've been able to. To kind of do that and also sort of detach emotionally from, like, how worked up I used to get. I mean, in one of my ways of detaching, like last year, I didn't even watch the NBA final because my team was in it. I was like, I am not going to sit here and watch this thing losing my mind in front of my kids. But anyway, if you could somehow apply that, like that kid who wrote in where, you know, he was pro choice talking to the person that was pro life, and they had like, a calm conversation while disagreeing and then shook hands after. I mean, if you want to scare the shit out of. Out of the Mr. Burns, you know, person, you know, the billionaire fucking asshole. These fucking assholes were like, you know, that. That douchebag Bill Gates was on some talk show the other night and he goes, in five years, you know, there's going to be no more teachers. It's all going to be a. I just wish the host went like, oh, really? Is that what you decided? You just decided that on your own, all you and you all are nerd. Like, what are you guys? Just out of curiosity, what are you guys doing? What are you leading us towards. We all know what you're doing. You're going to microchip all of us and you're going to have a bunch of robots policing us and, and then eventually they're going to take us over. To what end? To what end? Don't you believe in an afterlife? Don't you believe in right or wrong? That's what, that's what fucking gets me with all of this fucking religious horseshit that these people say. They all talk about this wrathful God, and if you live a bad life, he's going to send you to fucking hell for eternity. And the pain is never going to end forever. That's what they tell you. And they scare the out of you with that. And then meanwhile, none of them that are in power conduct their lives as if they're even remotely concerned about that possibility. I don't know. This is a fun podcast, huh? Anyway, so I don't know what to do to stop those guys, but at least in your life, like, you know, my wife came out for the opening night and we had like two of the most epic conversations of our relationship. Trying to figure stuff out, just being like chill or whatever, trying to listen to the other person. So I'm only telling you this because, you know, I'm a pretty volatile guy. So if I can fucking do it, you know, maybe you guys can do it. And it makes your life at least this part of your world that you can control is these fucking jerk offs, these fucking tech. You know, I really, I'm waiting for feminism to finally realize that they were focusing on the wrong kind of man that they thought was going to ruin the fucking world. I'm waiting for the backlash on fucking nerds. After all of these years of them looking at the jocks, you know, and thinking that these, oh, these are the, this is the reason the world's off. It's because of guys like this. And it's just like, I don't think it is.
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Unknown
I really don't think that's what it is.
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Bill Burr
It's those pimply quiet kids in the corner that you won't even talk to as a beautiful woman.
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Unknown
They, they.
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Bill Burr
Yeah, I'm gonna blame beautiful women for this. This is stupid, Bill. No, you know what I mean? They're, they sit over the corner all resentful. How funny is it watching the Tesla guy getting all upset that his stock is going through the floor and he's like, you know, to laugh at somebody because their stalkers going on, it's like, dude, to fucking see Kyle, have you. Have you guys done, like any sort of research on the background of that fucking guy and the Nazis in his family tree? Like, dude, this is not like.
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Unknown
This.
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Bill Burr
Is not political party shit. This is just like, there's nothing in the world wrong with Republicans. There's nothing wrong with Democrats. There's nothing wrong with those philosophies. But you got to have good people imp. You know, applying those philosophies. You can't have some fucking heartless person like, I mean, who the fuck is a. Becomes a Nazi who looks at what those people do and be like, yeah, you know what? I think they had it right. All that pain and suffering that they just. Just the shit they did to kids alone. How could you ever align yourself and want to. Want to get that going again is fucking beyond me. Out of everything that I've seen where I just sit there with my jaw on the ground going, you can do that and still be in office. You can get away with that. It would be that guy fucking seek heiling twice in like, the outraged. I don't even think it lasted 24 hours. I was. I guess he's not going to get rid of the guy. Oh, well, I also don't understand what people's fear is with that. He's the richest person in the world. So what? Can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag. What are you so fucking afraid of? I don't understand why people are so afraid of fucking rich people. He has a lot of money. Great. You know, I'm afraid of someone who knows how to box, someone who knows jiu jitsu and they're, you know, then if they're angry at me, I'm, I'm. I'm like, well, God, I'm gonna get the shit kicked out of. Let me get the shit kicked out of me. If you're just rich, I don't give a fuck. Oh, do you have more petty loafers than me? I mean, that. That's what you built your fucking castle on. Look how big my pool is. Anyway, so I missed the gym. I did miss the gym a couple days this week. So I gotta get back on it with a. All these premieres and late nights and all that type of stuff. So anyway, my phone is still doing this fucking thing about this upload. By the way, Rest in peace to Val Kilmer. What an incredible, incredible, incredible actor. And still, I think one of the most underrated movies of all time. Forget about underrated Val Kilmer performances is top secret. And I don't know how you start with that movie and then get to play Jim Morrison and Doc Holliday and all these amazing, like, character roles that he got. Especially back in the day, if you came out with a wacky comedy, like Hollywood was just like, you're the wacky comedy Hollywood guy. And the fact that he was able to do everything from top secret to playing Jim Morrison, Doc Holliday, whatever his character's name was in Heat and all of these, this wide variety of roles just shows you, like what an incredible, incredible, incredible actor he was. Anyway, that sucks. Getting old, dude. Fucking sucks. All right, let's, let's do some reads here for the week. Okay? We're less than 100 tickets away from selling out. The 12th Annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit, Sunday, May 18th at the New York City Center. We have a great lineup. Rosebud Baker, Greer, Greer Barnes, D.C. benny, Tim Dillon, Nemes Patel, Sean Patton. As always, the great Rich Voss will be our mc. Yours truly will be in there somewhere. And we have a very special guest who just signed on. We always try to get a big, big old famous comedian to come in and surprise everybody. It's just, it's one of my favorite gigs of the year. It's a combination of a high school reunion and getting to live my dream as, you know, a stand up comedian. It's just awesome. Tickets can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org Patrice 2025 or by going to my website, www.billbur.com. all right, I got some reads here. Oh, I'll tell you, got some reads. Ava. Did you ever struggle with getting good rates? And do you wish Ava had been around then? Well, what does Ava. Dude, when was the last time you thought about your credit score? If your answer is never, you're not alone. But here's the thing. 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Joining AVA gives you access to all of Ava's credit building tools starting at just $6 per month. For just $6 a month, you can potentially save thousands. There's no. God damn this fucking phone. I was doing a really good read there. Okay. There's no credit check, no interest and no fees. Ava is the highest rated credit building app with thousands of five star reviews. It's the only credit building app rated excellent on trustpilot and an A plus with Better Business Bureau. Don't let your credit hold you back another day. Grow your credit score fast with Ava. Download the Ava Spelled Ava AVA app today and when you join using my promo Code Burr free, you get your first month free. This offer is only for my listeners. Get the AVA app and use promo code Burr free. All caps, no space. B U R R F R E E to get your first month. That's Promo Code Burr free. That's Ava. And now go get yourself good credit. Okay, look who it is. Open Phone. Open Phone. If you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table. What? When every customer conversation matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected. That's why you need open phone. OpenPhone is the number one business phone system that streamlines and scales your customer communication. It works through an app on your phone or computer, so no more carrying two phones or using a landline. When Open Phone. With openphone, your team can share one number and collaborate on customer calls and texts like a shared inbox. That way any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off, keeping response times faster than ever. Plus, with AI powered call transcripts and summaries, you'll be able to automate follow ups, ensuring you'll never miss a customer interaction again. So whether you're a one person operation drowning in calls and texts, or have a large team that needs better collaboration tools, Open Phone is a no brainer. They're going to bitch about the way I'm saying their name, but it makes people keep listening. Cy Over 50,000 business trusts open Phone to manage their business calls and texts. Open Phone is offering my listeners 20% off your first six months@openphone.com Burr that's o p e n p h o n e.com Burr and if you have existing numbers with another service, Open Phone will point them over at no extra cost. Open phone, no missed calls, no missed customers. Okay. Squarespace. I gotta tell you, the names of these companies. I don't even know, like, it's like the names of kids now. It's like that's what you named your kid, Squarespace. This is my son, Squarespace. That's his sister, Rectangle. I was. Oh, my God. I almost said something really bad there. All right, I have to be honest with you. I almost said rectangle cunt. Who would call their daughter that? Nobody would. That was a dumb joke. All right, let's start over again. Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business. Scaling your business. I don't know what that means. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. From consultation to events and experiences, Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients. Grow your business, get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Upload, organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops. Make smarter business decisions with Squarespace and intuitive built in analytics tools. Review websites, traffic. Review website traffic. Learn where to focus engagement and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales. All from one place. Head to squarespace.com brrrr for a free, free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use Offer code Burr B U R r to save 10% off your first purchase of a website domain. That's squarespace.com brrrr for for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code Burr burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. All right, well, that is the podcast, everybody. I hope you enjoyed it. Seriously, try that thing, man. Like, for all the guys out there listening, you don't want to argue with the woman in your life. And I'm telling you, if you just sort of listen and try to learn, go into a disagreement with like, trying to learn and hear what the other person is saying. Like, you just avoid all of those. You know, when your wife or your girlfriend is like, I don't want to talk about that. I Don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk about that. When you're trying to make a point and it just gets you, Next thing you know, you have this big, stupid fight. You know, try to be in this. Whatever that word is, Sophia mode. And as she's going, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about that. Then you could just be like, well, what do you want to talk about? What do you want to talk about? What do you want to talk about? Don't do that. You know what I'm saying? All right, that's it. Hope you guys have a great week, a great weekend, and that's it. You know, maybe go out and get yourself a torpedo bat and go down to the batting cages and, you know, maybe they could make the ball bigger and make it bounce off the bat more. Maybe they could do that, you know, isn't Yankee Stadium because of the wind or something and the dimensions already in easy place. They hit a fucking home run. We're a $275 million team. The Dodgers are spending more than us. They kicked our ass in the world Series. We need bats that make it easier to hit. Oh, my God. It's a embarrassment. All right, that's it. Okay. That's the podcast. Have a great weekend. Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Thelist. And we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. I'll talk to you on Monday.
- [36:02]
Unknown
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 1, 2017. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? A little white guy, def jam voice. Little white guy def jam voice. Taking you back through a little comedy history. Remember that the height of black guys do this, White guys do that. And it was always that fucking voice. You ever see a whack guy stand in a chair or sit in a chair? I mean, a black guy, when he sits in a chair, he sits in the motherfucking chair. White guy says, oh, geez, I gotta sit out of here. Should I do my taxes? Every fucking joke crushed. Fucking crushed. That was the black comic version of white guys going talking about flying on airplanes or comparing dogs to cats. That's more like it. You know, dogs, your friend, a cat. It doesn't fucking. You know, that's actually still not a complimentary voice for a white guy, but I don't think that was a Complimentary voice for a black guy. So I think I'm in the clear when it comes to political correctness. Oh, my God, what a fucking weekend I had, man. I had a great time, you know? I had a great time. I watched the fucking Bruins pick up four points this weekend, all right, and put themselves back into the driver's seat, at least of their own destiny, all right, by beating the Florida fucking Panthers. And thank God the Chicago Blackhawks had the decency to rest most of the good guys in their team. We were able to pick up another two points. So thank you to the city of Chicago. Next deep dish is on me if I run into you. Not the whole fucking city, just one of you fatties. What are you, mustachioed fatties from that SNL sketch. I don't think I've ever seen a guy with a mustache in Chicago, you know? Anyways, I never heard one say Duff Bears. Never heard that. Never heard it. Although I don't talk to a lot of them. I just kind of go there and stand in front of their performing and then I leave. That's basically what I do. Which is one of my favorite things to fucking do, by the way. There's nothing. There's. There's nothing better than when you do your show. The second you do it, you get in a car and you get the fuck out of there. That's my favorite thing to do, you know? Either that or go to a dive bar and hang out, like, with three people. That's the way I'm fucking wired. That's perfect. Be honest with you. There's certain people, they like to hang out, you know what I mean? Go wade into the crowd, you know, Continue. Continue to say how awesome I am. I don't do that. I got it for that hour. Perfect. Then you get in the car, and it's nice and quiet. It's quiet. You just fucking ride home, you know, and you go into your fucking hotel room, right? Sit down, you avoid the fucking snack bar, right? And. And then that's it. And you just sit there. And the loneliness of your room. That's most reason why I drink on the road, to be honest with you. That's all you're doing, is you're just trying to stay out as long as you can. So you're so fucking tired that when you get back to your room, you just immediately fall asleep rather than dealing with the fucking loneliness of it. But I don't know. I had such a great weekend, man. I played a little bit of drums, hung out with my Beautiful daughter, you know, she's a riot. She's bossy as hell. Oh, my God, she's already telling us what to do with just like the noises that she knows how to make. Yeah, she's gonna be a little smarty.
- [39:39]
Bill Burr
Just like my wife.
- [39:40]
Unknown
And she's fucking adorable as hell. Obviously, you know, I'm a little biased, but that's kind of, you know. You know, when people are lying, you know, if. What? You kidding? Oh, hey, what a cutie. I feel like we're getting like, legit compliments. So anyways, can anybody out there in the hockey world explain to me, like, how this, like, what seed you are works in the playoff bracket? Like, I don't get it because it used to be like the Adams Division and the Patrick Division and one played four and then they sort of jumbled them all up. It seems like when they list them as far as, like, I don't get when you go to the standings thing, because I would have thought as a sixth or a seventh seed, whatever the fuck we're going to be, we'd either play the Capitals or the Blue Jackets, you know, the top of that one. But they're kind of doing like a March Madness thing where it's like we're in like a different thing. So for some reason we get off easy. Er, I should say, and have to play the Maple Leafs rather than getting the old. Right there. Fred from the Capitals of the Blue Jackets. Not saying that we're going to beat Toronto. I have no idea what's going to happen. But according to the Stanley cup playoffs here on on NHL.com as of today, the Montreal Canadiens with Claude Julia Julian would play fucking the New York Rangers, so they're number one seed. And then they would get the wild card New York Rangers and then the Bruins would play the Maple Leafs. Little original six action there for you on those. Both of those, huh? Then the Capitals would play Ottawa and Pittsburgh plays Columbus. Like Pittsburgh gets punished. Shouldn't they be playing an easier fucking team with the points they have? I would think one of the bottom feeders. So that's great. I love that Pittsburgh or Columbus will knock each other out. Will knock one or the other out, I should say. And I don't know, I don't know what's going to. Is the Capital's finally going to push through this year? Is it finally going to happen? You know? You know, it'd be the fucking Armageddon finals would be the Washington Capitals versus the San Jose Sharks, you know, can one of them has to Win, right? Like the Cubs versus the Indians. Somebody's got to fucking win. And I bet it would go down the exact same way. One would go up three to one. You know, they just got to add that last bit of misery. Then someone would come back and win it. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. All I know is I really enjoyed, obviously, this weekend. And if we can play the Tampa Bay Lightning on Tuesday and fucking put them out of their goddamn misery, I think we would avoid three years in a row of, you know, eating a dick at the end of March and beginning of April. We've done it two years in a row. So that's it. That's it for the fucking hockey talk. Oh, by the way, I don't know what his name is, but that kid on Calgary, Keith Tachuk, his kid out there. That kid's a fucking riot, man. He is an old school hockey player. I was watching. What do they have there with the fucking Don Cherry? Hockey night in Canada, we actually get that down here. And he was showing a highlight of that kid, you know, picking on that dude from the fucking Kings. And Don Cherry's breaking his fucking balls. And it's just like, they're trying to make the playoffs. He's not gonna get involved in some stupid fucking fight, right? They Drew Doughty. They need him on the ice, I would think. Anyways. Drew Doughty, the Dave Grohl of fucking. Of hockey. To me, they're the exact same fucking person. When Dave Grohl is not making amazing music, he's playing defense for the Los Angeles Kings. I challenge you. I challenge you to find Dave Grohl ever at a fucking game where. Where. Where Drew Doughty is not a healthy scratch. All right, enough of that bullshit. I can't even talk to you about my fucking weekend. Some of this other bullshit. Oh, my God. Hang on. Ever hang out with just like a complete fucking psychopath.
- [43:47]
Bill Burr
Ugh.
- [43:48]
Unknown
It's one of those social events. You're like, oh, no, there he is. There he is. And then it's over. And then it's the next day, like, oh, great. You know, God willing, I'll never have to see that person again. Hey, how the fuck are the Celtics, the number one seed? I didn't watch in the last two weeks. I kind of got, you know. You know, with fucking hockey and basketball, you kind of got like, pick a sport, you know, I mean, you know, I've been trying to watch both of them, but the Bruins were just in a More, you know, I don't know, precarious position. So it was more of a exciting thing to watch. Are they going to fuck this up? Are they going to somehow pull themselves out of it and somehow. The Celtics are a number one seed, although I don't think they're a better team than the Cavaliers. But I like what LeBron did the other night, last night, when he got into it on the court, and that made that other dude on his own team flipping out, yelling at him and shit. He immediately tried to defuse it and then was just saying, yeah, I showed him up. I shouldn't have said that. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, that's a fucking leader right there. Even though a lot of people don't like him, I like LeBron. So anyways, dude, I've just been having, like. I don't know, I got to get back into meditating. I don't know. I just keep running into these situations. Like, I feel like I'm attracting that to me. Like somebody. This New York number has been calling me for, like, the last three days. And then I'm like, I don't know who this number is. So I don't answer. And then they finally leave a message, and so say, yeah, this is so and so. You know, I'm looking for so and so, but it keeps saying, you know, this is Bill on the. On the thing. But my phone is saying, you know, it's my daughter. So I'm like, all right, well, this guy's gonna figure this shit out, right? And he does it. So he finally. Right before I did the podcast, he fucking calls again. So I finally picked up. I go, hello? The guy's like, yeah, who is this that I'm talking to? I'm like, well, it's not who you think it is. You got the wrong number. And he goes, yeah, well, fuck you, too. He hangs up on me, like. Like it was my fault. So I just laugh, and I'm just like, what the fuck? Why does this shit keep happening to me? So then he calls back, and I'm like, well, I gotta hear what this guy's gonna say next, right? I need a new hour of material. I gotta put myself in the line of fire here. So I pick up. He goes, yeah, man, I'm sorry, man. I just. I lost my phone. And I keep trying to call my daughter, and, you know, my name's. And it keeps saying, your name's Bill. And it's. You got to see the humor in that, right? I'm like, yeah, man. It's, it's a. It's a funny situation. Good luck to you with your phone. I don't. I don't know what to tell you. Sounded like a nice enough person. I love that he said, yeah, well, fuck you too. And he still had the fucking nerve to call me back and then just say, act like it didn't even. He didn't say that. Maybe he was just joking when he said it. I was just like, I don't fucking know. So anyways, this past week, so I'm at this social event, I'm trying to avoid this psycho, and he ends up sitting right next to me and I'm talking to this guy and for fucking 10 minutes, all of a sudden, I can't find my cell phone. And I'm looking for it and I'm looking for it, and I'm not bringing it up to anybody because I'm thinking like, maybe I left it in the car. I don't know what. And I realized that this psycho has placed his cell phone exactly right on top of mine on the table, like completely lined up. And mine has a black case and was kind of dark, so I couldn't see it. And then I had to sit there playing this fucking mind game. Like, did this guy do this on purpose? Am I over analyzing this thing? Am I out of my fucking mind? And I don't know, then it. The whole thing just struck me as funny. Thinking of how my life used to be because I used to have people like that in my fucking life. You know those people that mind fuck you. And then like an hour later, hey, I'm sorry, I wasn't. That fucking wife beater relationship, you got to get into them. Yeah, which is of course how the evening ends with that bullshit. Oh, yeah, no, hey, it's all right. Everything's cool. And I just walked out of there and just felt like this fucking weight lift off me. Just be like, I'm never going to see that person again. I have no desire. That is it. That is a fucking rap. If I have learned anything from hanging out with fucking a couple, I have two good friends of mine that are both half Sicilian, and when applied correctly, the Sicilian, you're dead to me. When applied correctly is the greatest fucking. It just streamlines your life. Why would you waste another second of your life playing that mental tennis with like, you obviously don't connect with this person over and you just walk away and then that's it. And like today I just woke up, I was in the greatest fucking mood, knowing I'm never gonna see that person again. It's fucking tremendous. And you know what? I think then I created a void. I created a vacuum in my life because I just let go all of that shit. And now I got this random guy calling me up on my cell phone looking for his daughter, and then telling me to go fuck myself. You know, I'll take that. I mean, that's an easy one. That guy actually sounded like a better fucking person. So anyways, oh, you know what? Easter's coming up. Fucking Easter. Here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail. Yippity happy Easter is on its way. I. I get this week we're gonna actually, at some point, we're gonna go back to the mall. I've become a mall person. I imagine eventually it's gonna. It's gonna drive me nuts. But we're going there, we're taking our daughter over to get a picture with the Easter Bunny. How fucking cute is that? It's gonna be absolutely adorable. I can't wait to do it. So we just have to calve out some time. And I'm already nervous that she's going to get totally freaked out. You know what I mean? The older you get, the more you look at that, you just realize, why, what is that bizarre ritual? You know? Why would you do that? Sorry, my stomach's grumbling here. I'm on a massive diet here. Massive diet. Massive diet. Cutting out the booze. Except the last night, cutting out the booze. Been eating basically perfectly. And I'm actually down to a buck 79. My fighting weights between like 168, 172. And I'm gonna try to lose two to three pounds for the. You know, I figure some by mid May, mid May, I ought to be in fighting shape. And I'm gonna try to actually stay in that and continue. Because what, you know, what I do is I get down to the way that I wanted to get down to, and then that's like the end of the movie roll credits, and I go back to eating fucking pizza and beer and all of that shit. And then I slowly get back up again. And next thing you know, I'm standing shirtless in a mirror, just calling myself every horrible name in the. That I can think of. You know, Tub of Fuck. Something I've never even heard anybody say. I actually called myself that before I started this diet. I actually have suits that I can't fit into anymore. Like, I've hit that point in my life, and it's just like, I can't I can't. I can't be the guy that goes to the fucking dry cleaner to have his suits let out. You go to the tailor and you just basically saying, listen, the food won. I quit. I quit. I don't want to fucking do this anymore. So anyways, I did. I just been doing. I just been doing cardio. My fucking shoulders getting better. I can't really lift weights or anything. So I've just been kind of just stretching, doing cardio and trying to eat right. I try to eat like from 9 to 5 and then just stop. But the other night, I was doing that April foolishness for Kevin and Bean, who I want to thank for having me on that. We did it down at the Shrine Auditorium, which is a famous theater out here. What the fuck's going on with my brain? I can't even think here. I actually went on Wikipedia. That's what happens. I was trying to look at some of this other shit, some of this advertising I have to read. I literally get, like, anxiety as I look at it. Like, oh, God, look how long this fucking copy is. I don't want to read all that as I'm trying to talk to you guys. My apologies. I was distracted there. So I played the Shrine Auditorium for Kevin and Bean show April Foolishness. Every year that raises money for. I think it's premature babies. I believe that's what it is. I never know what it is. I always ask right before I go on, what is this cause for? So I can steer clear of going out there, like, what's up with premature babies? Should we just let them die or something? You know, just not walking into that. So we were at the Shrine Auditorium and I looked, went up on Wikipedia. Went up. I went to it on the Internet there, and I found out that that is the place. The most legendary thing that I saw that happened at that place, aside from like the Grateful Dead and all these guys doing shows, was that was the place where Michael Jackson shot the Pepsi commercial and had his hair lit on fire. His Jheri curl, you know, when he was slowly. At the beginning was the beginnings of transforming into a white guy. You know, I don't know if it was the product he had, if it was a Jheri curl, if it was a conch. I don't know what he had going on, okay? I don't know how that mixes with Pepsi and flammable shit, but all I know is his head lit on fire and he got second degree burns. That was it. And all these fucking people were like crying. They Were terrified, you know, that this tremendous artist, his head caught on fire. His fucking head caught on fire doing a Pepsi commercial. That was another groundbreaking thing that he did, like, because back in the day, if you were any sort of a famous person and if you did a commercial, you would just consider it a complete sellout, at least in the white world. I don't know how it worked. He kind of was a hybrid, though, right? He's sort of the first Caitlyn Jenner. But he did it, like, in a race way, you know, like the way he walked out the door a dude and came back a woman. He walked out the door a black guy and came back a white guy. I mean, I can't imagine being friends with that guy. Every time he would leave and he'd just come back. He was, like a shopaholic, but, like, for his face, you know what I mean? You know, these chicks are always coming about with coming back with, like, a new bag, you know what I mean? Or some fucking. I don't know what. Shoes or some shit. He would do the same thing, but with his face. Yeah, Bill, he was one of the most famous people ever. We know what he did. Okay, Anyways, plowing ahead, so I got to do that show down at the Shrine Auditorium, and I cannot even begin to tell you what a fucking great time I had. Unbelievable crowd. Like, I had to do a half hour at the end of all these other monsters going out there fucking killing it the entire night. And Steve O. Did a hilarious fucking stunt. Fucking hilarious. And I got to go on, like, at the end of all this shit and do a half hour, and it was fucking effortless. That's how great the crowd was. So I want to thank everybody who came out for that wonderful cause that I believe was for premature kids. You guys, like the birds chirping in the background. Somebody mentioned to me, that's fucking hilarious. Listen to me going off on shit with birds chirping. I usually don't do. Do my fucking podcast in this room. I just do it because it's the furthest one away from my daughter who's sleeping. You know, I don't want to hear me dropping all the F bombs. So anyways, the end of the show comes, right? Everybody's shaking hands. Oh, you were great. No, you were great. No, I like how your mind works. No, I like how your mind works better. You know, we're all doing the Hollywood thing, right? Everybody had a good set. And once again, I ran into one of these crazy fucking parents, right? This is fucking hilarious. This is what this person did. They said, oh, congratulations on your daughter. I said, oh, you brought it up. You brought it up. Now I gotta show you a picture, right? So her and her husband are standing there, right? The young, young people, right? They look like they're single. They don't even look like they have kids. And I just show them the picture, and she just goes, oh, yeah, it's so easy. You see? It's so easy. It's so easy. She started pointing at my kid going, it's so easy. I'm like, what the fuck is she talking about? I've heard she's adorable. She's cute. Oh, my God, look at those cheeks she's got. Oh, yeah, it's so. It's so easy. Yeah, see, you see? It's so easy. I'm like, what do you mean it's so easy? She goes. She goes, we have three. We have three. It's so hard. You have no idea. It's so. And just. She used my daughter's picture as a way to launch into how fucking difficult her life was. First of all, it's like, how fucking difficult is your life? The two of you look like you've been P90Xing. You guys don't have an ounce of fat on you. You don't have bags under your eyes. It's Saturday night, you're out at a show, neither one of you yawning. And they were going, yeah, we had one. And then. And then we got pregnant again, and we had. We had. And I was going like, oh. And I'm sitting there trying to be empathetic. Oh, yeah, you know, I hear. I hear two is like a game changer. And then three, it's like you're outnumbered. She goes, oh, no. We went from one, right? To three. Like, we had. We had. We had twins next and two kids. I don't even know what that feels like. We don't even know what that feels like. It's just like, you know what? You don't know what. You don't know what it's like to be in a fucking log cabin with no fucking heat like they had 20 years ago. It's fucking hard the fuck out of here. I swear to God, people like that, it's just. I just feel bad for their kids. It's like, you have to be. You got to be a fucking terrible parent. What kind of person has a kid, right? And all I do when I see other people's kids is I just think of how much that person must love that kid. They have to feel the same way that I do about my kid. And then I'm happy for him. Who the fuck looks at somebody else's kid and just. And compares life. Oh, it's so. It's so easy. Yeah, See? It's easy. And then I go, yeah, you know, well, we're thinking of having another one. And then. Then the guy goes, yeah, just have one. Don't have two more. First of all, like, you can control it. They drive me up the fucking wall. I fucking. I'm gonna say it. I fucking hate parents. Generally speaking. I cannot stand them. They like. They're like fucking martyrs. They're like these fucking. It's like you put yourself in this situation. Shut the fuck up. You have three people that are gonna be sad when you die. They're actually gonna give a shit, and they're gonna show up and say how great you are. Isn't that enough? Oh, it's so hard. You have Noah el Rayleigh with iPads and fucking 200 channels of cable. You can put them in front of a fucking plasma tv. It's like looking into a tropical fish tank all day for them. Yeah, they're soft. You know what I mean? I don't know. I just. Oh, God, there's so many times in my life, like, I wish I could just go back like that. I'm. Believe it or not, I'm great in the moment on stage. I'm so bad at it when I'm off stage. You know what I mean? I'm just. You know, because I immediately just get to this anger level, and then I end up looking like a psycho. Like, I wish I just said that to him. Like, you guys sound like terrible parents. Do you want to put your kids up for adoption so maybe you can go back to doing blow or whatever the fuck it is that you miss. Do you know, Badik, I wish I could go back to last night and just tap that guy on his shoulder and just point at his cell phone on top of mine and just be like. On a psychological level, would you like to explain this to me? How did this happen? Was this by accident? But I don't. I don't fucking say anything. And then I just fucking write people off. And then they look at me like I'm out of my mind, Which I am. I'm definitely out of my mind. But I'll tell you right now, I'm not the only one. I am not the only one. And I have learned that. I learned that this weekend. See, it's so easy. It's so it's like, why would you say you don't have any fucking idea? Imagine if I had a special needs kid and you're pointing at it saying, it's so easy. What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, that's right. You're completely self involved. It felt good to get this out. Oh, Jesus, I'm glad I didn't say it. I'm glad I saved it for the podcast. But wouldn't the podcast be better if I actually started saying these things to people? So then I would have the confrontations and then I could just. Maybe I could then do a two hour podcast. Hey, who knows? Who knows? So, you know, as I mentioned earlier, or the last podcast I got, I finally got serious satellite radio in my car. So I'm fucking listening to the 80s channel, the 70s channel, NHL, you know, I listened to Opie Show, Jim Norton's fucking show, and I finally listened to Howard Stern for the first time in fucking forever. And he had Craig Ferguson on. And Craig Ferguson was going on and on about the Chappelle fucking Special. I gotta check it out. He was going on and on. It might be the greatest one I've ever seen. I'm like, well, fuck, I gotta check that out. I gotta fucking check that one out. But half of me does not want to watch it because I know it's going to be. I don't want to feel like, oh my God, certain people you watch to get inspired. I can't watch his shit because I'd be like, oh, God, I suck. Really? The gap is still that large, you know, I don't know. Every once, you know, every once in a while you think you're fucking Hendrix and then you realize you're just playing a ukulele, right? Isn't that what happens? Isn't that what life is? Anyways, let me, let me read a little bit of the advertising here. Ah, it's unbelievable. It's the greatest special I've ever seen. I was just like, jesus Christ. All right, all right. Anyways. Hey, how about the fucking. The Patriots might be talking up to Adrian Peterson, huh? If you're a fucking. I don't know. If you've been watching the Patriots for a long time, doesn't that remind you when we signed Corey Dillon? That'd be nice to get that fucking guy, wouldn't it? Maybe see Tom Brady get number six, right? Somebody said he said he wanted to play for another five or six years. That's fucking unbelievable. Just the fact that he's gonna do that means he's gonna play for at least another three, so he has a legitimate shot at getting another ring. Unreal. Unreal. Good Lord. I fucking enjoy that. All right? Because every time, every year he plays, I always think, this could be the last year. This could be the last fucking year. You know, Belichick is almost 70 years old. Brady's gonna be 40, you know, and, you know, oh, we're gonna fucking. What's gonna happen on that franchise when those two people leave? Who knows? Because what's his face, Robert Kraft, his three coaching hires, Bill Parcells, Pete Carroll, Bill Belichick. He's three for three. All right, let's read some of these. Some of these emails for the week. Girl freaks out. Hey there, Billy Boy George. You know, it's funny. I never liked him when I was in the. In the 80s. You know, it's too homophobic to like that guy, but his fucking drum is the shit on there. Do you really wanna hurt me? Love the fucking drums on that song. Anyways, not sure if you saw this yet. Some girl freaked out at a yogurt shop in Santa Monica because the couple behind her kissed each other. She starts saying that she was being sexually harassed by them doing so. It gets out of control. The funny thing is that she starts off acting like a hacky liberal, but then ends acting like a hacky conservative as she shifted through stages of emotion. The Phoenix Video tour video look great. Can't wait for San Jose. Yeah, I actually. I watched some of that at first. I love this woman because I hate people who fuck. I don't hate. I hate looking at people making out in public. It's fucking gross. It's fucking gross. Your tongue jam down each other's throats. You know, it's like, I don't want to look at. Especially when I'm around food. I totally get what she's saying. But then she took it too far when she started saying that she was. That she was being sexually harassed. What I did love, though, is I love how the extreme close up when she's yelling into the camera, it reminded me of that movie Misery, you know, where that lady's like, you can't wait. The cucky doo doo. Whatever the fuck she says. Was there anything more satisfying in a fucking movie when he finally got out of the bed and started slamming that bitch's head against the floor, just laying there that powerless. Do you know in the book, she actually cuts his feet off rather than breaking his goddamn ankles? I gotta be honest with you. I really think I could have sweet talked my way out of that bed. I really would have. I would have act like I wanted to fuck her. You know, I would have done that, right? I would have told her that I was never gonna leave her. I would have built her fucking up until I started to be able to walk around, right? And then I would actually. And once I could even. This is how long of a slow play I would go with that woman. I would actually. I would. After I could walk, I would stay in a three month relationship with her till she got so fucking comfortable, right? And then one day I'd be making my famous fucking scrambled eggs. Take out a fucking skillet. That would be it, man. I would. I would stay in a relationship with that woman until the fucking snow melted, you know? And I could shake off whatever thing I had. They're. I could shake that off. I'm German, Irish. I could. I could put that in a box and never think of it again. No pun intended. That's what I would have done. He up. You know what I mean? He actually wrote the real book. I guess. I. That's because I know that she was out of her mind. But I swear to God, I would have. I would have told her that I love what she did with her hair. All of that thing. The hardest thing would have been, was not laughing. The noises that she would have made during intersex. Intersex intercourse. Intersex. Anyways, I don't know what that says about me, but, you know, that's how I would have got out of it. I would have just gone totally like, oh, yeah, you're beautiful. Oh my God, this soup is fucking delicious. And I would have just talked to her and just find out what the exact fucking book she wanted me to write. And that's exactly what I would have written. Maybe I'd hit it with a typewriter, like some sort of symbolism, I don't know. But at the end of the day, you know, fucking some pig versus getting both of your fucking ankles broken. I mean, I don't think there's a. There's really no trade off. Right. You probably wouldn't. She's such a fucking lunatic. She's probably like asexual. You probably don't have to do that. You know, just laugh at her jokes. I think you would have been all right anyways. I just went on a tangent there. Sorry about that. Here we go, girl. So anyways, getting back to that. Yeah, I don't like when. I don't like watching people make out. It's fucking gross. Me, I hate it. The two things I hate most in movies is when people are fucking making out and people when they're eating in the scene and they're fucking making those fucking noises. There's nothing worse than watching an actor eat in a scene because most times they're not eating, so they have to overact eating. And everybody. I don't know what happens. They turn into fucking animals. They start eating with their mouths open. They start pointing at people with the bread. That and I. I hate love scenes in movies. You know what I mean? Like, when they take it to the point where literally one actor is sucking on the other actor's titties, it's just like, I get it. They're gonna have sex. Like, why do you gotta take it to this level? Are you making a porno now? If I want to watch a porno, I'll just watch a fucking porno. Why can't you just have them walk in the bedroom and they close the door? I get it. They fucked. Like, who is that for? Take my breath away. They're always up against the wall and it's fucking raining out or some shit, you know what I mean? Rather than they're getting used to each other figuring out which lip to go for, do you go for the top lip or the bottom lip? You know what I mean? What position do you like? Do you like to have your ass slapped or not all that shit's out of the way. They just automatically start acting like they've been banging each other the whole summer. Little Red Coho, whatever fucking songs they play. What are some of the stu. The 80s, they always played that stupid saxophone. The saxophone got ruined in the 80s. It went from this, like. It went literally from this instrument that when it was in the hands of a black person, it actually scared the CIA to the 80s, where it just meant that Tom Cruise was gonna fuck somebody. You know, half of those jazz guys in the fucking. From the 40s, 50s, and 60s, they had their fucking phones bugged by the goddamn J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI. And then just.
- [69:45]
Bill Burr
It just.
- [69:46]
Unknown
Somehow it just all went to shit in the 70s. It all went to shit in the fucking 70s. You know, they whacked everybody that they needed to whack in the 60s. They figured out how not to lose public support of a war after the debacle of Vietnam, right? So now they got everybody. Everybody's going, I support troops.
- [70:05]
Bill Burr
You support troops.
- [70:05]
Unknown
I support troops.
- [70:06]
Bill Burr
I support.
- [70:06]
Unknown
Everybody's going to say they support. Who doesn't support the troops? They're on our team. But the brilliance is they've now morphed that into, you cannot criticize the war if you do. Or anything that the Pentagon is doing, because now you're criticizing some 18 year old who's over there fighting for your freedom. It's fucking brilliant. And we should have seen this coming with what happened to the Saxophone in the 80s. All right. Girlfriend says I'm stagnant. Oh, Jesus. Oh, dude, that's a major red flag. Hey, Bill, you Tiny Tim looking red nose peckerhead. Okay, who is Tiny Tim again? Oh, Tiny Tim's that ugly motherfucker with the ukulele. Jesus Christ. Wow, he looks like if somebody beat the shit out of George Washington. Thank you. Wow, that one really hurt. Anyways, maybe I'll pull a Michael Jackson, get a cleft in my chin. Love you. Love your podcast. But you wrote. You love your podcast. Even though I never get any advice, will you give me some Have. Oh, this is somebody who's not going to use any punctuation. This is all one sentence. Loved you. Oh, maybe this person's foreign. Loved you podcast. Even though I never get any advice, will you give me some advice? Will you give me some. I have this girlfriend I really like. That's all one sentence. We worked together at the local restaurant. I was fine until I got fired. Then I got into a fight with my girlfriend's sister's boyfriend. Got that? No, I don't. All right, let me. Let me try to break this down here, all right? You have this girlfriend you really like. We worked together at the local restaurant. I guess everything was cool. And then you got fired, and then you got into a fight with her. With hers. Her sister. Her sister's boyfriend. Okay, so your girlfriend at work, you got into a fight with her sister's boyfriend, and then you got fired from the TGI Fridays whatever the fuck you did. All right, I'm back on board. Then I got a DW AI driving while alcohol influenced. I don't know what. I don't know what the fuck's going on here. I. And I feel like a complete loser and sometimes it gets me depressed. Also, I still give her rides to work, which she tells me means nothing, and also says she loves me but has been getting meaner every day. I don't get a job. All right, well, okay, well, in defense of her, you have to understand what the woman that if you're not bringing in money, you just literally have. You're like a 40 year old teenager at that point. You're just like a big kid. She has to deal with, um, you know, and women, they're all feminists until they have to start paying for everything. You know what I mean? Like, what's fucked up with sexism and all that and that guys have better paying jobs, evidently. I have no idea. I've never asked people what the fuck they make, but let's just say what they're saying is true. What's fucked up is, is it now created this thing where women can date and, like, you're always, for the most part, dating up. You know, if you're, if you have reasonable looks, okay? And you had a reasonably good childhood and for whatever, you're not migrating towards losers, all right? You can actually always be in a situation where getting married is a good thing because the other person makes more money than you. So even if the whole thing falls apart, you're going to get the house, you're going to get the. You're going to child support, you're going to get the alimony, right? Only lately are we finally starting to see women having to do that. And it's fucking like they freak the out. Like, what? Right? A woman paid alimony was if, like, I all of a sudden got my period and like, wait, I got to do this now? What the fuck, right? Anyway, so, anyways, let me get back to the fucking thing here. I keep. I keep going on tangents here. I need to stay focused. Um, so, okay, so you got a dui, right? And she still gives you shit. Okay, so now you're not making any money. So, you know, and you're all depressed and you don't have a car. So I'm. I'm guessing you're not really looking for a fucking job. Or maybe she's just mean as shit. I don't know. Anyways, he said, I've never had trouble getting work when I needed it, but now I feel like a lazy piece of shit. My girlfriend called me stagnant. Stagnant. And told me she's worried. She said tonight she would see me later, then changed it to or talk to you later and trailed off muttering some inaudible bullshit. I need to pay my rent tomorrow, and I'm basically broke as fuck. I gave her a key to my place and she agreed to pay half the rent. But I feel like I'm twisting her arm to do it. Yeah, dude, what are you doing? I feel stagnant too, and depressed. And she makes it hard. Think sometimes. So I secretly bought a train ticket to California so I secretly bought a train ticket to California from New York. That leaves in two weeks. I'm debating whether to stay here, keep looking for a job in a debt economy, try and work things out with my girl. I'm sorry, guys. Like, this is not me here. This is how this is written. And face the music by paying thousands of fines and traffic tickets while I'm broke as fuck. Or go with a couple of hippie friends, hike through through like he threw a ball, the state of California while stopping to work on woofing farms in between. Is this like Jack Kerouac shit? I don't know. I'm starting to think this isn't real. To stay or to go, I don't know. But if she calls me stagnant again, I'll be out and over the horizon. I feel bad and I don't know what the fuck to do. So any advice is appreciate and go fuck yourself. Yeah. First of all. All right, let's just eliminate the woman from all of this, okay? You need to pay your traffic tickets. Dude, if you think you're just gonna walk away from that, you're gonna end up doing jail time. A buddy of mine did that, okay? And they put him in county, which you don't want to be in, because that's all different levels of fucking people. At least in la, that's like rapist lunatics light their own kid on fire right down to. Yeah, I had a bunch of traffic tickets and it got to such a. Well, my traffic ticket. He didn't have a traffic ticket. He had a dui.
- [76:43]
Bill Burr
And he.
- [76:44]
Unknown
He didn't show up to court. Maybe he won't go to jail, I don't know. But it's just. It's gonna be a fucking nightmare. And that's gonna be hanging over your head. And then you're gonna have to try to work under the table, which is gonna cause you not to fucking pay taxes. It's gonna be a nightmare. So, I don't know. I would. I would reach out for help is what I would do. And it doesn't sound like your girlfriend wants to do it anymore. You haven't told me how long you've been unemployed, but it sounds like she's at the brink of being fed up with you. But you did get into a fight. You did get fired. You did drink and drive. So you're making a bunch of bad moves. And it's not her fault that she's trying to envision a future with you. And all she's seeing is that she's gonna work while you're boozing it up. And she has to support you. And I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I don't like speaking for the ladies, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I don't think a lot of women are looking for that in the future. So I would man up. You need to man the fuck up and realize that you are stagnant. You need to get your shit together, all right? I don't know what you have to do to find a fucking job. That's a difficult thing, but I don't know, can you ask your parents for some help? Maybe you fucking leave your apartment, move back in with your parents while you get through this. You bottom the fuck out. You sober up. You start working out with the old weights you left in your parents garage. You find a job, all right? Get on a payment plan with your tickets and all of that. Get all of that off the table. Maybe even break up with your girlfriend. Get your together, create a whole new you, and maybe you get a new girlfriend that's beyond the level of this one here that was working at the restaurant or whatever the hell you were at. All right? But just know this. You sound like you're still young. You got your whole life ahead of you. And you know, you know, what you're doing is you're giving into your situation rather than fucking picking yourself up off the mat, all right? So get up off the floor, stop feeling sorry for yourself, all right? You have all the power in the world to turn that thing around, all right? And that's it. Get a job, pay off your tickets, and, you know, see what happens with that woman. You know, maybe she's not the one. Maybe she is. Who knows? Who gives a fuck? But work on your life. Work on yourself. There you go. All right, Girlfriend's ultimatum now. Jesus Christ, here we go again. Hey, Billy Bong. My girlfriend parentheses of over one year recently gave me an ultimatum. Weed or her? I chose weed. All right? There's a person who knows what he likes. Did you say that? Did you say that in the moment? Did you wait a few days? Did you mull it over for at least a few minutes? Sick of your pot smoking. Okay? And I know that, you know, I said earlier that I was okay with it, but the truth is I'm not. You're high all the time. I think it's affecting you. And it's just I. I'm to the point. I can't do this anymore. So you need to make a choice. Either you choose me or you choose marijuana. What's it gonna be? I'm gonna choose the weed, sweetheart. See ya. She's gonna slowly walk head down out the fucking door. It couldn't have gone down like that anyways. However, as I perceived it, it was a choice of reason versus absurdity, not her verse.
- [80:17]
Bill Burr
Weed.
- [80:18]
Unknown
Allow me to defend myself. Absolutely sir, you have the floor or man, you know this might be a lesbian relationship. My girl and I started smoking together about two months ago. She was never big on it, but I was a self admitted pothead in the past. We started smoking a couple months ago at her request. We would smoke one or two hits per night before bed. Well, last night she decided that she didn't like smoking weed anymore because she doesn't like the feeling of being high. Apparently in that same moment she became morally opposed to the idea of marijuana and she proceeded to call me an addict that has a serious problem. In a grand dramatic gesture, she flushed my remaining weed down the toilet and made me choose her or weed. Wow, that escalated. As they say in Anchorman. She kept pointing at me and yelling, look at yourself, you're so high right now. Keep in mind I took one hit out of a one hitter. I called bullshit on all of her arguments because as long as I've known her, she has never had a problem with weed and would often encourage me to use it because it does reduce my anxiety and temper. She often brags about her ex boyfriend selling weed and her ex husband smoking every day and it not being an issue. All right, I was kind of hearing her argument until those last fucking two sentences. Wow, this person, this is a fucking retread you're with, huh? Jesus, you got her out of the recycle bin there. So I assumed this wasn't about weed but something else. I assume it's the result of me telling her months ago. Oh, here we go. That I wouldn't be with her if she continued to drink because she had a serious, seriously unhealthy relationship with alcohol. So I imagine she's trying to use this as her chance to play holier than thou card. For the record, I don't want to smoke weed all day, every day. It's the principle of the thing. But now my relationship is riding on this thing and I don't want, I don't want to do what it's riding on this thing and I don't want to do. I think it's riding on this thing that you don't want to do. I think what you're trying to say. What are your thoughts? Help a brother Out. Do I want to deal with this crazy level of hypocrisy forever thanks and go fuck yourself? I don't think so. No, I don't think so. And the detached way that you're able to talk about her and you never once said that, you know, I really love her though. You never said that. So sounds like she had a rough childhood that led into alcohol abuse and to her picking some really fucking. Some real winners here. Drug dealers and fucking. I don't. Mike, I don't know what her ex husband did, but he smoked every day. Yeah, I think the way you tell it, it doesn't sound like a rational person. So on the other side, I will tell you, there are a lot of people that get high every day and don't think that they have a problem. Whereas if you get drunk every day, people call you drunk and say, you know, you have a problem. I have a couple friends of mine that did that for a good 20 fucking years and they paid the price. Smoking weed every single fucking day. It's like everything. You wouldn't want to eat ice cream every day, you'd be a fat fuck. Drink booze every day, you're gonna have a bad liver, gallbladder, gin blossoming. Fucking alcohol is brutal. And I actually, you know, now that I finally been educated a little bit on weed, I really do believe it's way, way worse. It definitely ages you way, way, way more than weed does. But I don't think like, you know, wake and bake people and people who need weed to fall asleep. I know it helps with anxiety and shit like that. And obviously, you know, pain of chemotherapy, it's got a lot of great things. But when it really comes down to is if it's not, if you feel it's not affecting your life, then I would just continue to do what you're doing. But it's something that as an adult, you know, when you move out and your parents aren't there to fucking question your behavior, you really have to, I feel, be extra tough on yourself. Like, I drank way too much last year, way too fucking much. So I'm glad that I kind of have it back under control. And even now I probably drink way too much, so I'm trying to look.
- [84:53]
Bill Burr
At that type of shit.
- [84:54]
Unknown
And you know what's funny? When I, when I don't drink, you know, I'm more apt to take a hit of weed because I'm just used to having a little bit of a buzz every couple of days. So then I. That always, whenever I Quit drinking. Then there'll be like a two week period that if somebody has weed, hey.
- [85:11]
Bill Burr
You want to hit?
- [85:12]
Unknown
I'll actually take a hit. And I never smoke weed. But then after that, then I. Then I just, you know, I just don't like weed. I'm just not into it. And then after like two weeks, then I just kind of just don't do anything. And then that's when I start getting into shape again. So whatever. I think, you know, you sound pretty level headed and you never said you loved her, so I would get out of that. That sounds like a fucking. You'd really have to like the amount of baggage she sounds like she has. You know, I mean, marrying a fucking alcoholic, I mean that just, that's. That really takes a fucking saint if you're sober, sort of. I don't know, I don't know why you'd want to put yourself through that. All right? That's their issue to fucking deal with. And you got to be selfish when you want to find the right person. So there you go. All right. Older lady wants to bang. Oh, gee, gee. Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson. All right. Hey, Bill. I am a 22 year old senior at college just outside of Baltimore and I'm a big fan of your stand up and podcast. Well, thank you. I caught your show when you came to Baltimore and you absolutely killed it. Thank you again. Anyways, I wanted to, I wanted your advice as it relates to an older fucking lady. So just to give you a little background, last summer I decided to get in shape. I developed a nice workout routine and subsequently lost £40 and really built up some muscle. As a result. Women have been showing me a lot more. Showing a lot more interest in me. There you go. Turned it around. Good for you. I'm happy for you. And I have definitely had more confidence with talking to women. All right, well, keep, keep going, keep going and keep shooting for the moon. Talk to those chicks you think are out of the. Out of your league. See what happens. Anyways, now I have been using some dating apps and have met and hooked up with more women than I have ever have before. Not bragging, it's just the facts. All right, well, I hope you're using a condom there. Fucking studly. So recently, and this may sound weird, I ran across this incredibly attractive 50 year old woman on one of the dating apps and liked her profile just kind of as a joke. No, you didn't. You were attracted to her. Who gives a shit? She is a classic example of a Cougar. She's like Mrs. Robinson from the Graduate or that horny bitch from Sex and the City who just fucks everybody. Oh, my God. Yeah. The most one dimensional character ever. Kim Cattrall's character. It's just every line. It's like, I get it. You. A lot of guys. Has anybody ever just. There has to be a YouTube video where everybody just put all those lines from the entire series. It's like my. My Nia used to watch the thing all the way back when it was on. When we were still living in New York. We were living together in this apartment. I would just be on the other side of the apartment. She'd be watching it. And anytime Kim Cattrall's character would say something, I would always be in the background. I would just go. Cause she's a. Anyways, he says, much to my surprise, I matched with her. I don't know what that means. She hit you back, basically. She's surprisingly sexually aggressive now. It isn't women fucking by their mid-30s. They know what the fuck they want. They don't give a shit anymore. And clearly wants to fuck me. She sends me messages all the time and talks about how she likes younger men. Of course she does. She doesn't want to bang some fucking old bastard like me. She followed me on Snapchat recently and started sending me nude pictures and shit. Now, at least in my experience, young guys always joke about the prospects of fucking a cougar. All my friends are saying I should just fuck her. But I can't shake the feeling that there's something fucked up about it. Is it weird that she's over twice my age? What are your thoughts on this, Bill? Should I fuck her or is it a bad idea? Let me know. Thanks. To go fuck yourself. Oh, sir, this is gonna be a great lesson for you. How old did you say you were? 22. Okay, I will tell you this. And it took me into my early 40s to learn this. There is no way to ever over emphasize the importance of listening to your gut. Listening to your gut. Will, Will, I'm telling you, when your gut just tells you, man, this doesn't feel right, fucking walk away. Walk away every fucking time, okay? Unless it's like it's something you know, it's some sort of stage fright thing, some sort of anxiety thing that you have to get over. You're not afraid of fucking women, okay? Now all of a sudden, this woman's coming and this is fucking feeling that you're feeling. This ain't right. So just fucking walk Walk, walk away. Okay? What kind of a fucking 50 year old is sending naked pictures to somebody half their fucking age? Alright? Now I know this day of hyper feminism, they'll say that that's actually brave. It's this, it's that, it's empowering, it's fucking pathetic because all you have to do is slide it over. If a guy was sending dick pics to a 22 year old chick. See what I'm saying? You know what I mean? This is like whatever anyways. Yeah, dude, fucking walk away. That's a, you know, that's a fucking train wreck. And your gut is telling you that and you need to just listen to your gut, all right? When you go into a job interview and you fucking sit across the person, they're talking to you, I'm telling you beyond just interviewing, you're going to get a sense. I swear to God. I took a meeting one time with somebody and the second I met this person, I just didn't like them. And there was something about them, they felt sleazy and I got this joke thief vibe from them and I immediately stopped telling stories and all that shit. And I ended up going. And I just was like, wow, I thought I really wanted to meet that person. Then I met him and they weren't what I thought they were going to be. And then I talked to like two or three people about them. They're like, yeah, that guy's got a, he's got a fucking rep for stealing shit. I'm telling you, you got to listen to your gut. It will give. That's how you, how you end up not in the trunk of a serial killer's car is your gut's going to tell, hey, you know, I don't give a fuck if this person has a flat. Keep driving. You're going to feel it. You're going to feel that weird thing. So good for you. Don't do it. All right, here we go. All right, let's read the last thing here. Overrated. Underrated. Hey, you Bruin Lovin. Fuck Boston Bruin. Love and fuck. Make sure you get it right. The original Bruins, not like the UCLA Bruins who came later. Overrated. Sidney Crosby is the most overrated cunt I can think of. Oh, give me a fucking break, dude. All right, so he scored a lot of goals against your team is what I'm guessing. Anyways, he said, I wish this cocksucker would be held accountable for just one of the ridiculous fucking antics. He pulls this bag of shit, most recently jams his stick into Ryan O'Reilly's nuts from behind. You can see in the replay. He waits for the ref to be screened and assassinates O'Reilly's future kids. He won't even get a fine. Him and every cunt that roots for him. I understand that. I understand that. But, you know, Lucich used to play for us, and he was the king of spear and people in the taint and the nuts. I don't know. I would just. You know, he also makes the league a lot of money, and superstars have different rules. That's just how it is. But I will tell you this. That guy's backhander is. Has more power and speed to it than a lot of guys. Wrist is in the league. Best backhand I've ever seen. And, you know, I. I have to give it up to greatness. But, you know, he used to whine a lot when he was younger. I think half of it was his pouty lips, so it made it look even worse. But I don't know. That guy's a stud, man. But I understand not liking him. Anyways, underrated bowling. I recently found out I have a spine problem. I have spine problems. So I had to quit softball and flag football. The good thing I was at high school, the I was good at, I guess the sport I was good at. A lot of people fucking up this week. The sport, the sports. I was good at high school, in high school, but not that good. Starter kit. You left out a couple of words in that thing, buddy. Anyways, my brother turned me on to bowling leagues, and it's way better than I ever gave it credit for. It's competitive. You win a little money, and if you suck ass, you can walk 10ft to the bar and get lit. Slash, win, win. Thanks. Go fuck yourself. Absolutely. Bowling's the shit, but I will tell you, I would definitely go to a chiropractor, and I would get a great masseuse. And maybe they can work out a lot of your backstage because, you know, if you're going to go from active shit to something inactive like that and add alcohol, you're going to put on weight, which is not going to be good for you. Certainly your lower back, you'd be walking around like you're in your third trimester and you're never giving birth. You know what I mean? Terminal pregnancy, a fucking booze and pizza. All right, everybody. That is the. That is the podcast for this week. All right? Always listen to your gut. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Go Bruins. Go, Celtics. Go yourselves. Ra.