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- [00:01]
A
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 6, 2025. What's going on? Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus. How's it going in your neck of the woods there? It's not going so good in my neck of the woods, I'll tell you that. The sanctimonious is sanctimonian. Key word on the moning. Oh, Jesus. All right, here's the deal. You guys are asking me, obviously, a ton of questions about the absolute controversy. All right, here's the deal. I would love. I have no problem answering any of them. The problem I have is after I answer them, it all gets clipped. And then once it gets clipped, then the lies start getting told or they start shaping it and making it this and making it that. So all I'm doing is just throwing another log on the fire and then they can make more money.
- [01:02]
B
No, I'm sorry. Well, no, no, no, no.
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A
Because they care so much.
- [01:06]
B
That's right. Sorry. Not because they're just making money.
- [01:11]
A
You know. But I do have to tell you.
- [01:13]
B
This is fascinating because I've never been.
- [01:14]
A
In the middle of one of these fucking things. And my whole life when I watch the news, you know, not every fucking news stories, but there's been a lot of shit where you watch it going like, yeah, I don't know, kind of seems like that kind of fucking dick. So to finally be in the middle of it and the level of like straight up lies is just. It's wild.
- [01:37]
B
I'll be honest with you.
- [01:38]
A
I've been off the Internet for like a fucking month, but just the shit people have been sent. It's funny, you get off the Internet.
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B
And people still send you shit.
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A
So like these, these stories of like.
- [01:48]
B
There was no women there.
- [01:49]
A
He just performed to the Royals. By the time they had done with this shit, they're going to say, I went over there and did a one on one show in a fucking tent, staring at my toes.
- [01:58]
B
And then I left for the head fucking guy, whoever the hell it is over there, Right?
- [02:03]
A
Once again, I performed in an arena over there in the round, there was 8,000 people at the show, okay? It was citizens. And then they had diplomats sitting down front in a nerve wracking way for the performer to make sure that, you know, you didn't talk about the two or three things that they said that they negotiated down to not talk about. Once again, as I said before, whoever put together the comedy festival and everything, what it did for freedom of speech over there because, like, before it started, you couldn't talk about all of this stuff. And then they whittled it down to just that. And that is how, you know, if you truly care about stuff like that, you know, you gradually move towards something more positive. All right, I made, and I have to tell you, all right, all of this sanctimonious shit out there. I'm going to tell you something right now. I saw, in 33 years of stand up, I've never seen anybody with bigger balls. And I'm not going to say the name of the comedian, even though you're going to figure it out. But I'm just trying not to get anybody else. This coming at him went on over there openly gay. And in the middle of the set to the Diplomats got up to go to the bathroom and this person said, hey, where are you going?
- [03:27]
B
Are you going to.
- [03:27]
A
Are you going to go on Grindr? I mean, I've seen them all. I've never seen anybody. It's like, I don't have the balls to say that. And the fact that her own people.
- [03:43]
B
Came at her and all of that, it's just, it's disgusting. It really is. That's what they're going to clip. That's what they're going to clip.
- [03:52]
A
Bill says, fucking. The reaction to da da da is this. And I'll tell you what else is.
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B
Amazing and really confusing to me is.
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A
What, what we did over there wasn't even on tv. However, what everybody's complaining about was on TV the week before on a different event, and nobody said anything. So, you know, and that's the difference between being a billion dollar conglomerate and being an independent contractor. It's kind of like, you know, if you go back to, like, I don't.
- [04:32]
B
I don't want to talk anymore about. But like I said, like, I would love to answer all of this stuff.
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A
I'm not afraid of any of these questions.
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B
I would love to answer them.
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A
You know, it's just that the way.
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B
That it is being used and my.
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A
Favorite thing, you know, I did a.
- [04:47]
B
Couple of sets last night and I didn't run into any of the special ones when I was down there. But I'm really looking forward to that when I do, because I know exact. This is how this shit goes down. You know, yada, yada, yada is said over here. And then when you run into the person face to face, this is what's.
- [05:06]
A
Always said, hey, man, hey, man, hey.
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B
Man, how's it going, man?
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A
Just checking in on your man, are you doing okay?
- [05:17]
B
Man? That fucking bullshit, that phony ass. But I'm not gonna lie to you. You know. How do I put this? Do you know when you just sort of. No matter what the behavior is, but you just know a person, so you just expect it, so it doesn't bug you? That's kind of how it is. So I sort of expect that. And. Oh, my God, do you know what I did yesterday to fucking calm me down for the amount of bullshit out there? The fucking roast jokes that I wrote yesterday. It was as an exercise. I had a real good time doing that, okay? But I will. I will toe the line. That the reason that, you know. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to shut up now. There. There you go. This for your fucking news cycle. Now go twist all of that around. But just remember, there was women at the show.
- [06:19]
A
Four hotties down front. Faces were not covered.
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B
Smoke shows down front.
- [06:24]
A
8,000 citizens is what I performed in front of.
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B
And then I had the teachers looking at me while I did it. And I also connected in a country that had just been hit by two fucking missiles. Three missiles, whatever the fuck it was.
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A
So, you know, I'm going to go with the fact that people really. The reason you didn't go, not because.
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B
You were scared shitless.
- [06:47]
A
Because we all were. So they. And I get it if you were. If you were.
- [06:52]
B
So. Anyway. So that's why I'm not answering your shit. Just hang in there for a minute.
- [06:59]
A
And when the bots get everybody mad.
- [07:00]
B
At something else, I'll answer any and all fucking questions that you want to answer.
- [07:08]
A
And as long as you're able to.
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B
Take an honest look at your own backyard.
- [07:12]
A
Yeah, you'll. You'll see.
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B
You'll see.
- [07:14]
A
Anyway, all right, plowing ahead. All right, how about the New England Patriots, everybody? Holy shit. We actually got a fucking squad. Mike Vrabel. I don't want to pat myself on the back, especially during this difficult time.
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B
Oh, the jokes. The jokes I could do right now. Anyway, I was saying in September not.
- [07:44]
A
To pat myself on the back. That I felt by the end of.
- [07:47]
B
October, Mike Vrabel was going to have this team, the direction that it was going in. He was going to have a really competitive team, a 500 team that nobody really wanted to play that was going to give you a motherfucking game. Well, guess what? He got him there by October 5th. And step on Diggs.
- [08:04]
A
Jesus Christ.
- [08:05]
B
If he can bring that energy every game, if he can just pretend he's going back to play the Buffalo Bills, In Buffalo, I mean, that guy was a man possessed. We still had our fumbling issues, so I, and I know that that's not going to be a problem for long. What do we have? I lost count. I think we had like three fumbles or whatever, but. And we hung in there with the Buffalo Bills. And I got to give a shout out to the Bills dude, Josh Allen, man, I love that guy. That guy, he's like, he's an old school, like, big guy, can take a hit, but he's got the new school thing where he can like, you know, run and all of that. I guess it's not new school. John Elway was doing it way back in the day and so was Steve Young and that type of. But like, I don't know, I, I, I, I, I kind of think the AFC with, with Patrick Mahomes, Lamar Jackson, even though he's hurt, I don't know. Do we have the better, better overall quarterbacks? I don't know. I have no idea. But like, I don't know. It was a really, really, really fun game to watch. And Josh Allen just made a couple of fucking sick throws. And then Drake may also that one where he was getting dragged down and Collinsworth was going nuts about it, how strong he was. And he was able to get it off to Stefon Diggs. Once again, Stefan Diggs had, I forget, he had like 149, 150 yards, 10 catches or something like that. It was. And then the last second field goal, not, I mean, 20 seconds left or whatever in that hostile environment was. That was easily the biggest win the Patriots have had since 2018. 2019 was the brutal year when Tom Brady's last year, we didn't have anybody for him to throw to or whatever. And then he went to Tampa Bay and the rest is history. But it's been a long time since I sat down and expected to see like some competitive football from the Patriots. So it's pretty, that's pretty fucking cool, man. Anyway, I didn't get to see too much of the, too much of football. I don't know what the fuck happened in the Eagles. Broncos game. Like, I had a, I had the.
- [10:33]
A
Eagles and then out of a sudden.
- [10:34]
B
Out of nowhere, the fucking Broncos come racing back. And I swear to God, it's just like, you guys have to understand, when I was a kid, this shit didn't happen.
- [10:44]
A
It. Okay, it happened like maybe like twice a month. There'd be some big frantic.
- [10:48]
B
At least it felt that way.
- [10:50]
A
But now it's just like it's like the fucking NBA. You know, your team's up by 20 and you just know in three minutes it's going to be a four point game. There's somehow going to go on a 16 oh run. Two timeouts later, you know, you're only up by four or you're down by, you know, I don't even know what. So it's kind of become that. And I feel like that's what they want. Although I did think that, but there's still more like old psych.
- [11:20]
B
I kind of felt like the Bills Patriots, you know, that didn't have that weirdness thing where it was kind of nobody really pulled away from anybody at any point. And I never really thought that we were going to win the game until after the ball went through the uprights. I was just thrilled that we were hanging with them because the Bills are the beasts of the east for the last few years. So anyway, I didn't get those Bills uniforms either. It was a little too much like that Raiders uniform that I liked the best. But. Sorry, I'm drinking a fucking coffee here. But anyway, so in other news, I cleaned out my, my, what you call it there, the room over my garage. I had all of like this memorabilia and all of this crap that I just kept for ever. And I've just been going through it. I literally still have the. The empty bank loan stub for the first vehicle I ever bought. An 83 Ford Ranger that I got from Danvers Savings Bank, 1 Conan Street, Danvers, Mass. Whatever the hell it is.
- [12:37]
A
Who, by the way, I didn't realize Mark for Mark Bravaro is from there. Who knew?
- [12:42]
B
Not me. Anyway, I just been going through all of that stuff and all of this shit that I kept throughout a 33 year career, all of these like those backstage laminates, all of this stuff, all of these things that people have given me. And so I got one bag is I'm gonna option auction off. Then I have all of these. Oh my God, the photos that I had. Holy. I'm not gonna name the comics right now because I don't know why. I just feel like you don't want to be associated with me. Oh, whatever, you know, but maybe I can name the dead ones. Just like pictures from like the 1990s. I had one. A couple of random selfies with Greg. Geraldo, I guess I could say his name. Rest in peace, Greg. From this tour we did. Was it Just for Laughs Tour. And just for laughs, you know, had a great run. I can't believe that's over. But they had a great run up in Canada. And when you were on the Canadian Just for Laughs tour, I mean, it was just theaters. Back when theaters were like arenas that comedians would play in theaters. And you could, if you got on that tour, you would be in sold out theaters all the way across the country. And they tried to do it down in, down in the States. And I remember they put together this ridiculous lineup of people. It was amazing. The, the comics that they had on it. But the Just for Laughs brand didn't mean anything in the States and no one knew who the comics were yet, so. And they had booked us in like theaters. And I still remember playing the Egg in Albany, which I was so excited to play someday. I was like, oh man, someday maybe I can open for somebody there or, you know, whatever. Because at that point there wasn't a lot of, you know, like, theater acts. And I forget what that placehold held, but like 200 people showed and it was, I don't know, that place has got to be like 2,000 seats or whatever. And we just went up there and it was still fun and it was still cool to be there. And it's such like. I just love like that era of architecture because it just reminds me of like, you know, when we thought we were going to colonize the moon, you know.
- [15:29]
A
Which I still don't understand. Space exploration, like, I get like, trying to figure out how the fuck we ended up here. I get that aspect of it, but.
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B
This whole fucking thing where it's like, you know, you're going to like build a fucking city on the moon. It's like there's no air up there.
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A
Like, how are, how do you get, how do you build something that keeps generating an atmosphere that's breathable for a fucking human being is beyond me. And who, who the hell would want to go live up there? I mean, if they built a city.
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B
Underwater, I wouldn't go into that. Well, they have like an air tube that just sort of led up to the surface. I don't know. People are.
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A
But I guess that's how.
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B
We just, we just keep like progressing, right? I mean, if people weren't in the head, like, we never would have learned how to fly.
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A
You got to have like a combination.
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B
Of being like in the head and also like really smart, like Orville in Wilbur, right? Like, I can't imagine that. Just him wheeling that past everybody in.
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A
Town like, what the you doing? Goddamn right. Brothers are out of their goddamn. He going to break his neck. I'll tell you right now, he's going to break his fucking neck. And they used to fly those things that.
- [16:58]
B
You look at those people like the.
- [16:59]
A
Shit that they tried to do to.
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B
Try to learn how to fly. And the people that died and all.
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A
Of that, it's just. It's insane. The people that figured out what the bends were, how they figured that out.
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B
And they also figured when people trying to, like, set the record to going.
- [17:15]
A
The highest in the atmosphere, and people.
- [17:17]
B
Didn'T realize that the air gets too thin.
- [17:19]
A
Like, what is it, around 12,000ft, 13,000ft? You have to pressurize the cabin. And these fucking people were going past.
- [17:25]
B
That, and they would come back down in the hot air balloon, dead, and.
- [17:32]
A
There was still people going, all right, I'm next. Don't you want to know why that guy's dead? He's dead because he's a fucking pussy, all right? And they would get it, and then.
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B
They would fucking die. So anyway, and I think they figured out the bends making the Brooklyn Bridge, or at least they figured that out during that, pulling those people up. And he's getting this.
- [17:52]
A
He's getting sick again.
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B
He's getting sick again, and another guy's.
- [17:54]
A
Getting sick, and they would fucking yank.
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B
It really quick and pull the guy up even faster.
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A
That's the one thing I wondered if.
- [18:03]
B
That was done accurately in Mission Impossible, the Final Mission. We've had enough already. Whatever it's called. When Tom Cruise is, like, thrashing around in the water when you get the bends, Like, I don't know if that happens. I would think you would just become like, absolutely. Like, you couldn't even move. You just, like, bend in half or something. Oh, speaking of which, I saw this movie. Is it one accident after another? Is that what it's called? The new Paul Thomas Anderson movie? I saw that with my lovely wife this weekend, and it definitely lived up to the hype, man. Holy shit, dude. Leonardo DiCaprio has this scene where his daughter is going out to a dance and he's being the overprotective father. It's fucking amazing, like, the level of funny that he is. Did I already talk? I can't remember if I already talked about this. What is it, Monday? No, I think I saw it over the weekend. And the actor, the Latino actor across from him who was just doing opposite Energy, like, totally, like, Deadpan was amazing, and Sean Penn was incredible. Just everybody, everybody. I wish I knew. Chase Infinity, that's the name who plays Leonardo's daughter, like, was just a superstar and, you know, and I was looking up the whole cast and all of that type of stuff. And. And I was saying to Nia, I go, look at this. I go, that's her. This is her third acting credit. She's already this good. So back in the day, that meant that you became a movie star. But I don't know how it works now. I think you become a streaming star.
- [19:58]
A
I don't know.
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B
What do I know? I've learned.
- [20:00]
A
You know what I know?
- [20:01]
B
I know nothing with all of this that is going on. And like I said, I apologize to you guys because I really would love to answer your fucking questions. They're not that difficult to answer. And it's also a really interesting dialogue about the whole thing, about the whole world, about all of this stuff. But, you know, I just don't trust that it's not going to get. Twist it up again, Bring more heat on me, bring more heat on other people and then just, you know, whatever. It's. It's the first time I've ever been in like, this situation where I have to, like, keep my mouth shut. And it's really. It's really annoying to be honest with you. And. But believe me, there is going to be a time and, oh, is there going to be a place where I will. Unless unload on this bullshit. Believe me. All right, let me do some of the reads here for the week and then I'm going to wrap this up because every question I'm getting is about this fucking shit that I can't for whatever fucking reason say what. What actually happened over there without it getting twisted into a bunch of crap. So anyway, let's plow ahead here. All right?
- [21:18]
A
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- [22:53]
B
If simulcast on your I don't I don't do the subcuts if some casting you to I don't do that all.
- [22:59]
A
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- [26:08]
B
End of the goddamn reads. As I finished my coffee over here, I've been trying to use the natural milk, but it actually has the cream in it and it starts lumping up and then you can't tell. Sorry, I thought my phone just stopped there. Just said low battery starts lumping up there.
- [26:27]
A
All right, that is the podcast. Really excited about the.
- [26:32]
B
The New England Patriots. Red Sox had a good season and the Bruins are having a great preseason for whatever that means. I'm just excited. They're scoring a bunch of goals. Bruins obviously had a brutal season last year and a tough one before that, so I feel like we're due, I believe, in our front office. I think they're going to turn it around and we're going to have a great season. And I think that is it. I'll be doing some spots around town and if you run into me, I'll answer your question.
- [27:07]
A
And then some.
- [27:10]
B
Oh, and then some. Oh, and then some.
- [27:12]
A
Unless, you know, you work for some.
- [27:14]
B
News outlet because then I know what you're going to do with it. You know what? I should save all of these roast jokes. I can't do it because I have a thing that I just won't take that. I won't. I can't burn down another. A fellow comedian. I can't do it, but I definitely have some roast jokes.
- [27:41]
A
Oh, okay.
- [27:46]
B
Oh, my God. I'm thinking about Mike Tyson when he was biting his glove when he was fighting that YouTuber. All right, all right. That is a podcast, everybody. For those of you listening, thank you for listening. Obviously, we'd be listening. That's it. Have a great couple of days. Go fuck yourselves, and I will check in on you on Thursday.