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Monday Morning Podcast
Questions, Answers, NFL | The Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-25
02:23:39
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- [00:02]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday Afternoon, Just Before Friday Monday Morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. How's it going, man? Oh. Oh, whoa.
- [00:23]
It's the first night of NFL football, baby.
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Loveless fucking marriage. Hey.
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Oh.
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All the sad men get to sit down tonight and just be like, you know what? You know what? As much as it's always my fault, as much as I am the sum of all the bad things I do, that's how the pie chart works, versus all of this good shit that I'm doing, as much as I'm dealing with that metric system in her fucking head. I got NFL motherfucking football. I do have that. I do have that. And all this they put us through, you know, you think they would just let us have that, but they don't. They huff and puff, walk by the room. Is it almost over? Did you ever think you'd take that much in your life from something that couldn't kick the. Out of you physically? You know, I love watching the ufc, and one of the most amazing things that I ever. That I've discovered from these amazing. The best fighters in the fucking world. Just as far as, like, what do you want to do? You want to stand up? You want to go to the ground? You want to submit? You want to throw kicks?
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What?
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Whatever the fuck you want to do. The ufc, right? Anytime I've ever, you know, heard fighters talk, they talk about how a fight is, like, 90% mental, and I'm thinking, like, how the fuck can be 90% mental? And then I got married, and I said, oh, I know what they're talking about.
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I get it now.
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UFC champion. I understand, because I lose 90% of the debates in my house, and I'll tell you right now, that's why you got to marry a dumb broad. You know, yes, the conversations are going to be painful, all right? But at least you can get some wins. You know, you can keep. Maybe. Maybe you can be 500 and keep your coaching job anyway. Who. I don't even know who's playing tonight. I know it's the Eagles. Your Philadelphia Eagles, the defending super bowl champions. I know they're playing tonight. I have no idea who they're playing. How about that division? You got the defending super bowl champions in, the Philadelphia Eagles. You got the Washington commanders after 30 fucking years. I mean, like, they. The. The last time they won a Super bowl, nobody knew who Bill Clinton was, or Hillary, unless she was in Arkansas.
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I'll tell you right now, I like that. You know, Billy, you know, he's a liberal. I don't like him. But I'll tell you something about him.
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I like the cut of his jib. I like the way he carries himself. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, they must have amazing arguments, the two of them, Bill and Hillary. They must be fucking amazing because they're almost, like, reversed. Like, he acts like a chick. He deflects everything. Well, you know, I think. I think if you look at. If you look at the whole picture. Bill, what are you talking about? We're not talking about the whole picture. We're talking about this incident right here.
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Oh.
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And he just walks away. I love you, Hillary, but, you know, you just. Sometimes, a lot of times, the most amazing thing, like, rather than look at that guy, you know, for. Like, he's the typical piece of garbage that becomes president. If you could just get past that and just look at the humor of that guy, the amount of things that he gets out of. When he. When he gets asked a direct question, he does this fucking thing where he just. He laughs and then he walks away as he starts to answer it. And then he just trails off on purpose in his sentence and acts as though him walking three feet away, like he disappeared behind a mountain. You'd be like, hey, Bill, you remember that time you used that intern's vagina as a humidor? And he'd just be like, ha, ha. Well, you know, a lot of times people smoke. You're like, how did he just do. I need to get my hearing checked. I can. I can still touch him. He literally walked two steps over to another reporter, but his voice, it was like it went by in a car. Like, what just happened there? Amazing. You know what I mean? You have to respect it. It's like when whoever your sports rival is, and as much as you don't like that team or whatever, if you're a true fan, there are people on the team where you just like, God damn it. I love the way that guy plays the game. You know that Derek Jeter thing where Red Sox fans were just like, God damn it. You know, he's great for the game. The way he carries himself. You know, he never yells at the umpires. All he does is he sticks his finger in the ear hole, acts as though he's starting to take off his helmet, never makes eye contact. He's just kind of like, that was a strike. That's where the strike is. That's the strike zone. Okay, okay. So Next time I come up here, that's going to be a strike. All right? But the umpire knows what he's saying. The umpire knows what he's saying. He told that umpire that he fucking missed it without even saying it. I don't think I ever saw that guy get ejected. I mean, I didn't watch every game of his career, but, like, I saw some, you know, some questionable calls, and he never lost his temper. And I sat there as an angry little leprechaun, fascinated by that. Like, how do you do that? So I wouldn't have been that way. Just pretend for a second I could hit a baseball anything over 60 miles an hour. You ever go to the batting cages and just humble yourself? Like, you know, when you're sitting in the stands, the ballpark does not look as big as it is. And every once in a while, you take a. You take a fucking tour of a major league ballpark and you stand on the field and just feel like, you know, it's like train spotting when the dude falls into the floor when he's on heroin. Like, I feel like. And I also. The. I feel like the more wide open it is. No, they all. They're all, like, intimidating. That was like a thing I used to do when I was on the road. I would take tours of these ballparks, and if there was an upper deck, he just. You felt, like, swallowed up. But if I would go to, like, like the Tigers and you'd stand on the field, the. The expanse of it, you're like, I literally think you could take. You could fucking a 747 could get enough speed by the time it got to that wall and take off and clear this stadium anyway. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. What else? I rode my motorcycle for the first time in forever. I just build these things up in my head. I got on the thing after doing the play and it said the tire pressure was down, so then I had to order one of those tire pressure pump things. And then I'm looking through the manual and I'm thinking, like, I'm not going to be able to figure this out. I'm going to this up. I'm just. I'm just gonna do something wrong. I'm gonna fuck it up, and then I'm gonna wipe out on the bike, and then I won't be able to do my shows, and then I'm gonna lose all my money and I'm gonna have to move back in with my parents. I literally do that over, like, Having to inflate a tire, six pounds of pressure. And that is really, like. That's what the public school system does to people. You have about a grade and a half. When I was coming up in the public school system, you had a grade and a half to do well on tests, to have a good feeling about yourself. And. And if it didn't happen like that, that. That was just it. That was it. You were done. You were done. You had it in your head like, oh, okay, I see where I fit in. Those are the smart kids, you know, Those are the kind of smart kids. And these are the morons. All right, I got it. I'm a moron.
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I got it. I have the call on me. I got it, man.
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Man. Yes, Billy, what's the answer?
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I'm a fucking moron.
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That's correct. Thank you. Star on your forehead, right? And then you're an adult, and, you know, it's just. Just sit down, read the. Man, it could not have been easier. 36 pounds of pressure in the front tire. And guess what? The information was on page 39. So guess what Scatterbrain does? He inflates it to 39. This is the truest thing I'm ever gonna say about myself. Even when I'm right, I become wrong. It's unreal. I took out the manual. I figured out how to use the thing. I took the. For the. The. The air compressor, and then I took out the manual for the motorcycle. I looked up the tires in the table of contents, I went to the page, I put it on, and I set it to the page number rather than the fucking PSI or whatever the fuck it is. And, and, and, And I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I'm in an argument with somebody. I'm 100% right. I lose my temper, I say some shit way off fucking base. And then I become wrong. That is. That has been something that is a reoccurring thing. And, you know, people always say, like, uplifting things while you work on it, and you're going to turn it around and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just realized the other day, like, you know what? I'm 57. This ship is going in this direction, and I don't have time to slow it down to turn the fucking thing around and get back to land. So let's sail off the edge of the fucking earth. Let's see what happens. But we got NFL football tonight. You know, it'd be fantastic. Like, you know, like, they do, like, throwback uniforms. Why don't they just, just, you know, do the whole thing. Like, what if they just. They just go like once a year. They just roll the dice, okay, and they pick a year. And then you have to come out. Not all. You got to come out with those uniforms and those rules, and that's what it is. So what if they just rolled 1992 and then they come out and they got the giant fucking shoulder pads leading with your head. No concussion protocol, no female referees, no female announcers, just a bunch of fucking lunatic guys slamming their heads into it. Just for one game. Just for one game. No ladies in the locker room, like, you just go back, you go back to that. Or maybe they get like 1938 and they come out with like leather helmets, you know, and the field go kicker has to kick straight, you know, can't come in soccer style. You come in with your hands at nine and three o', clock, out to the side, right in those black high tops, Tom Dempsey style. Anyway, I will tell you this. I just wanted to get used to the bike again, you know. So after over inflating it and then realize figuring out the safe way to then let out the air pressure, I didn't let it out. I read about it and then I didn't do it. I said, I'm riding it anyways. What's an extra three pounds of pressure? So I get on the thing, I let it run for like five minutes. They heat up the oil in the pan. Something. Nobody. People just don't do that anymore. A lot of people used to, they, they didn't do it as much. But back in the day when you had a carbureted engine, it wasn't fuel injected, so you couldn't just start the up and just take off down the street. You know, depending on what time of year it was, you really had to let the car warm up. And that was good. It's good for the engine. And I kind of learned that. I watched, you know, because I was guilty of that too. I would just press the button when I still had my Jag and I would just press it, put it in reverse, fucking drive down to the improv or whatever. And then I saw this mechanic, you know, and they were talking about like, oh, it was so funny. They were talking about what's. What are the. What's the. What is the car that like just needs like the most repairs. And Jaguar kept coming up Jeep and like that Dodge. And there's no excuse for it. The technology is out there. The answers are out there. If you care, you know, Toyota's just been setting the. This is not an advertisement. It's fucking annoying to me. It's fucking annoying to me that, you know, like, Dodge doesn't even make cars anymore. It's like, well, maybe if you made some that fucking lasted, you cunt. You know, and there was two things that I learned. One was they always say, change your oil every 3,000 miles. And what I'm getting now is like, you should do it every 1500. Whoever you buy the car off of tells you to do it every 3,000 miles because they know that that's going to wear out your engine, so you have to buy another one. Even Toyota tells you that. But they make cars so fucking good, even if you do it every 3,000 fucking miles, they still will go forever. But I saw this little old lady and she had bought some car in like the early 60s and, and she drove it every single day, had some ridiculous amount of miles on it. And. And she also said, she goes, I changed. She goes, I baby it. She goes, I change the oil every 1500 miles. Amazing, right? So, and the other thing is, I saw this mechanic was talking about how, you know, and he had like a car from this era. They say, how long do you let it warm up? And he always says, you know, I always give it like five to six minutes, you know, get the oil, you know, so it's not all like, you know, it's colder, so it's not going to have the viscosity you want it like all heated up. So it glides through the engine, right? The pistons glide on instead of it being all goopy. I just, it just never dawned on me. I didn't even understand why back in the day when I was a kid and I had my, my first car, why I, I was letting it warm up so it wouldn't stall. I never, like, you know, there was no Internet. So unless you had a dad that was mechanically inclined or a friend or something, or took power mechanics class that we had in high school, like, I didn't even know why I was doing it. I was just doing it so I wouldn't stall at a red light and have people behind me beeping at me. So that's something that I do. And it also puts me in, like, a nice mindset. But when I go to drive. But I will tell you this, I bought a, I bought a daily driver, an early 2006 speed V8. So, you know, AMG type of a car. And I will tell you this, that is the most fun car I have driven. In a long time. I actually. I did the. The Rich Eisen show yesterday, and I drove over there and I took the. I was having so much fun. I missed my exit on the highway and I just laughed and I didn't care. And then I took the next exit, and I wasn't even sure where I was at that point. You know, LA is a huge place, and I was just like, you know, I don't give a. I'm just going to drive in the general direction of where I live because this car is so much goddamn fun to drive. So, anyway, I got that going for me. Red Sox got smoked last night. I missed the game. But I will tell you this. I love that team. What a crazy game they had the other night. And I was like, you know, I was, like, playing with my kids, and every time I came back, it was like we were up five to one, then we were down like, seven to five, then it was seven to seven, and then all of a sudden we were up like 11 to 9 or something. Like, it was fucking insane. You know, That's a fun game to watch if you don't understand baseball. There's a ton of offense and all of that, but if you actually understand baseball and you're trying to win the wild card, like, that's not a good statement for either pitching staff. You know, I hate when fucking sports fans are like that. Like. Like when the Patriots played the Eagles in the super bowl or that Kansas City chief Buffalo Bill playoff game where it's just like 53 to 52 and, you know, like that. That Eagles, Patriots, Super Bowl, I loved it for the fans because the Eagles had never won it. And seeing, like, Eagles fans, like, lose the Eagles, you know, I know that they show a lot of bad videos about Eagles fans, but, like, I, you know, I meet a lot of Eagles. They're not fucking, you know, spitting on people in. A lot of them aren't like that. You know, a lot of them are, but, you know, this half of them aren't. So I was happy for them, whatever. But that fucking game, like, nobody punted in that game until, like, the fucking fourth quarter. It was just like, I was joking with my buddy when I was watching the game going, you know, I have no idea who's going to win this game, but nobody on defense, on either one of these teams should get a fucking ring. Like, what am I watching? And it was the same thing with that. That crazy fucking game the Chiefs and the Bills played. It was insane. It was like a video game. And in the Even the announcers and there was like, former players.
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Whoa.
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Greatest.
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One of the greatest games I've ever.
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It was like. It was like an all. Like the old NBA All Star games where nobody's playing defense and they're just fucking, you know, dunking and hurling. It was stupid. 168, 166. Three minutes to go in the third quarter. Like, what the fuck am I watching? Yeah, it was kind of like the baseball version of that. But every once in a while you have. You do have a game like that. But I don't know, I. I fucking love the Red Sox. I really do. And I love the direction. I just feel like the whole fucking team is this side at 25 and they're gonna be like, just fun to watch, you know, it's been since 2018. You know, we made a lot of moves, they didn't fucking work out or. It happens, you know. Believe me, as a Red Sox fan, what am I gonna whine about seven years after the bullshit before? 86 to 7, I'll take whatever, but I just never in a million years did I that. I think sending Devers away was a good move. I thought, this is more the same. This is another Mookie Betts, Xander Bogart's type of situation. Why won't we pay our guys? What the fuck are we doing? And turns out, you know, I was 100% wrong. What a surprise. What a. What a surprise. The 57 year old bald comedian doesn't know how to run a professional baseball team. I gotta be honest with you, that actually surprised me. You know, it was a really sort of come to Jesus moment. Do they do that in other religions? You know, people who are Muslim, do they say it's a come to Muhammad moment? You know, who's the Jewish Muhammad? Abraham. Whoa, pulled that one out. I'm smart, too. Not like everybody says. Anyway, I did stand up the other night at this place, the Lodge, where I saw Jack White do a show. It's such a great venue. The crowd was amazing. I worked with Dean Del Rey and Ambria Allen, who's someone that I just sort of discovered on Instagram, and. And it was just one of those fucking nights. Everybody killed, everybody had a great set. The crowd was awesome. And it was one of those nights, like when you're doing stand up, some nights you feel like you're doing an hour and you feel like you have 20 minutes of material. And then other nights you feel like, wow, man, I literally could have done another half hour. That was kind of like Last night. So I'm getting geared up for these shows, you know, over in the Middle East. You know, I'm representing United States. Stand up here. So I gotta, you know, I got. I gotta bring the fucking heat over there. I'm doing Saudi Arabia and Bahrain. If you ever fucking told me that I was gonna go to some of these places and do stand up, you know, Greece, I think I went to Estonia one time. It's incredible. I don't know, it's just. It's. It's fucking wild. So I gotta make sure that I go over there and I'm bringing the lumber. I feel like these, like, these shows are like, when the NFL goes to Europe because they're trying to expand people's love of professional football. It kind of feels good. Like back in the day, I used to read about, like, the NBA, and they would. When the NBA started, they had no teams in the south and they used to do these. They would do these friendlies, you know, they would barnstorm through the south to try to sell the NBA product. And I feel like that's what, like, stand up. I mean, obviously these streaming services, because they're worldwide, I probably do way more, but I don't know, I. I like doing gigs, like, where you're just sitting there going like, how in the. Am I going to make these people laugh? I had one of those last night. I went up and I did a gig in Silver Lake, you know, and they're just like. I don't know, they're just like judgy wudgies. And, you know, it's one thing, you know, if I go up, you know, I remember, you know, when I went to Helsinki, I had like, you know, for the first 15 minutes, I was having a really tough set, but it made sense. I'm in Finland. It's going to take a second to figure this shit out. But, you know, when I'm still in Los Angeles and I'm performing mostly to fellow Caucasians, and they're staring at me like they're in Helsinki. Like, that's. That's like. It's a. It's a bigger mind fuck than being in another. And like, you know, you're in another country, you're expecting, like, you know, this probably isn't going to go as well as it does in Rhode island, but if you're in. If you're in the fucking city you live in, you're just like, what the. What is going on here? But I will say I had so much fun while having. I had a really Tough set last night, but I had such a great time trying to figure out what it was going to be to crack them open. And I finally compared him to a Canadian crowd, like, pretending to care too much, and that was what finally kind of broke them open. And then I think part of it was also me because there was a lot of people coming up after saying, oh, man, that was. You know, that was great. I really liked it and everything. And I was just like, oh, you know, I had a long day of zoom calls and bullshit. Maybe I was a little grumpy. Maybe that would. Maybe that was a little on me, right? How's that. How's that for fucking maturity? Supposed to meet back in the day. Fucking crowd sucked. That's exactly what I would say, too. That's exactly how I would say it. All right, let me do. But anyway, I just want to thank the Lodge once again. And there is no way I'm not coming back to do another show there. It just was. It was just that venue. And if you ever get a chance to see a band there, take a chance on a band there, a band that you like, I'm going to tell you, they're going to have one of the best. Their best shows. Because when you get in a venue like that, that just. They just has the fucking vibe is the only way to describe it. It's like the kind of venue, you know, the place that I'm doing out in Riverside, I went down there and Lamb of God was there, and I went down there and like, the second I went into the venue, I already knew what the show was gonna be. I'm like, this is just gonna be absolute carnage. Like, this place, you know, it's an older venue and it's. I don't know what it is. It's just like all of those gigs, I just feel like they did something. The place is seasoned, and you just get out there, you're just like, oh, this is gonna be fucking great. You know, Some nights you just know. So I'm looking forward to that one. I'm doing a bunch of shows out here. I'm doing Ojai again. San Luis Lubis, Boo, Thousand Oaks. And I'm getting ready for those two overseas gate gigs that I have. You know, hey, I'm a professional. All right. All right, let's do some reads here. All right. Fast growing trees. Fall is planting season, everybody. 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Check out the link below. I don't have the link. All right, well, you know what the name of the company is? It's Fast Growing trees dot com. Imagine you type in burr somewhere. I don't give a shit if I get credit or not. You guys, you should. You should go out and do this, you know, get a little doomsday thing, get some fruit trees, get a little vegetable garden going, get some chickens, get yourself a shotgun, you know what I mean? Buy some war paint. Whatever you need to do to get ready for the apocalypse. All right, that is the podcast. I love you guys. Thanks for fucking listening. Have a great weekend. Enjoy the football. Take your wife out for ice cream afterward. Tell her she's a goddess. Let her know it's still about her. Even though you spent three hours screaming at something that really has no effect on your life, but you love it. All right, have a great weekend, you circumstance. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 4, 2017. How's it going? How are you? Happy fucking Labor Day. Happy Labor Day. Happy Labor Day. You don't have to go to fucking work unless you're the guy that owns the fucking business. Then you never get to sleep, do ya? You should have stuck with your first wife, but you threw her out and now you got a fucking 20something fucking CO and she wants to spend all your money. All right, sorry. Anyways, how? You know something? You worked hard all year. God damn it. It's nice that you got a fucking a Monday off, isn't it? Don't you wish it was the way it is in Europe? I don't know how they do it over there, you know, they all got fucking health insurance. They get like 53 weeks off a year. Then like the whole fucking continent shuts down in August. Everybody just says, fuck it, we're not working. And somehow it keeps going. Is it because their countries are so small? Oh, look at the little country. Is that what it is? Over here is so fucking big. You know, just to mow your yard takes half the goddamn summer. Over here, all of us fat fucks wallowing around our giant pieces of property, riding A four wheeler shooting our guns. You fucking live over there in Europe, man. You got, you got nothing. You got a flat. You know, you and five other guys fucking addicted to heroin. When some baby drowns in a toilet, whatever that fucking movie was, you know, you got nothing. Or maybe, maybe you got a house and it's got like the fucking. It's got that roof that looks like a bale of hay that someone braided in. Looks like a weave but with like hay. I don't know what it is over there, but all I know is they still have castles. Some of them still have kings and queens. And they get, they get like August off, it's just off, you know, when they get free health care, they pay a bunch of fucking taxes. But I gotta be honest, you pay a bunch of taxes here too. I think it's just because we're bigger. Got the wide open fucking roads. I'm gonna go with that. I'm gonna go with that and I'm never gonna read up about it. And that's what I'm gonna say. If that topics ever brought up. Like, hey, how come they get all this vacation time and if a woman has a kid over there, she doesn't have to be back to work on Monday? How come that is? Ah, cause they're little tiny countries, you know, they have little tiny hospitals, you know, little tiny teeth that they don't brush. You know, it's Europe. What are you, what are you gonna do? That's why their cars go better into corners. They have little tiny streets and they gotta, they gotta zigzag around some shit. You know that, that's basically what it is. It's not like America, some woman gives birth on Friday and hey, Gene, make sure you're fucking here on Monday. Pump that kid out, do whatever it is you gotta do. Have your garden to stick a weed whacker up or a fucking reverse blower up there and suck the kid out and be back to work. We'll give you Monday off, then you gotta be here on Tuesday. That's how it here in America. Everybody wonders why we're so fat. Has nothing to do with our poisoned food. We're just stressed, you know, if you guys didn't have a whole month of August off over there in Europe, I'd love to see if you guys actually had to fucking work over there and worry about, you know, I need a new pancreas. How am I going to afford that, right? Which is easily the cost of at least three flat screen TVs. That's the going rate for a pancreas, if I remember correctly. All right, if you were dealing with that stress, I'd like to see how many fucking donuts you'll be eating. You know, speaking of which, Billy no Fun. Billy no Fun is on his 18th day of not boozing. 18 days not boozing. I barely even remember what it tastes like at this point. You know, I'm dropping weight. This is the time of night when it sucks, you know, in the morning, it's great. I wake up, my stomach's flatter than it was the day before, I feel good. But it's like at night, I mean, it's Sunday night. I don't have to go to work on Monday. I have tomorrow off like all of you guys. While you listening to it today, you know, you can't tell me, you know, I mean, as a fucking human being, I have to go out and get fucking hammered, right? I mean, what kind? I mean, I. If I don't that. I mean, if I was running the CIA, I'd be. Is this guy in isis? Is he some sort of religious fanatic? Oh, Billy Red Cakes. Oh, Billy Red Velvet. I'm staying away from the sugar. I'm being an angel. I'm being an angel because I might have some acting work in, in October, so I gotta make sure I'm down to my fighting weight by fighting weight. A buck 72. That's what I need to be at whenever I shoot something. You know, all these fucking actresses out here talk about how it's so hard for them. As if a guy can go on and be a bloated fat fuck and not get shit for it. Okay? That's not how it works. They can get to you through social media. They go right at you and they tell you that you're a bloated fat fuck. What happened to you? You got old. Where'd your hair go? All of that shit. You know what I mean? But you know, you know what it is about people? They look out their own fucking heads, all right? They look at the world in a two dimensional way. They look out their heads, they observe something and then they put it in their head and they process it with their previous experience. And then to them, that is the truth. That is what's going on in the world. They look at it from their fucking angle. They don't realize it, that it's 360 degrees. Which is why south park is the greatest fucking show of all time as far as I'm concerned. Because no matter what problem, they attack, they hit it from all sides. The red side, the blue side, from the north to southeast, the west, you know, I'm saying, you like that? That was. That was the longest fucking compliment ever. Oh, Josh. Adam Myers from the goddamn Comedy Jam. Josh. Adam Myers. Bill Burr. I'm taping my Monday morning podcast. You're one of our first callers. How are you? Good, good.
- [38:31]
Paul Versi
I'm just curious if I could get your opinion on the Kyrie Irving, Isaiah Thomas trade.
- [38:36]
Bill Burr
I wasn't aware that that happened. Was that a big news story in the world of sports? It's a little bit, yeah. It's. It's.
- [38:42]
Paul Versi
A few people know about it.
- [38:44]
Bill Burr
You know, as a. As a lover of the Celtics, as a Celtics lover, I hated the fucking trade because I loved Isaiah. He was like a mini, big poppy. He was on his way. He was going to have a street named after him. But that, it's. It's a business now. And this all goes back, I think, to the Miami Heat, all those pile on teams, back to the Kobe, Shaq, Lakers, when. Whenever it stopped being bird, Bird, Celtics, Magic, Lakers, Isaiah, the Pistons, Jordan with the Bulls, and everybody just jumped around. Now it's over. I thought you were gonna ask about the cigar.
- [39:17]
I am.
- [39:17]
Paul Versi
That's what I was saying. I was like, do you want me to give you some time so you can finish this up and then come up?
- [39:21]
Bill Burr
No, I don't give a. Just ring the doorbell and I'll stop it and I'll finish it later. All right, cool. All right, don't. Hey, don't ring the doorbell. My daughter's sleeping. Just text me. All right, See you. Anyways. The most roundabout compliment ever for South Park. I had no idea I was going to say that. So I am. As of this morning, I have 179 pounds in 6 ounces, 179.6. So I'm trying to lose three a week. So next week, on Friday, I need to be. I need to be 177. All right, I just had to hit pause. I'm in the doghouse. I just woke up my daughter. Oh, my God. My wife is pissed at me. Yeah, boy. Oh, brother. All right, this is the Monday morning podcast, and I'm gonna be whispering for the rest of this goddamn thing. The hell was I talking about? Yeah, so next week I want to be 177 pounds by Friday, and then 174 the next week, and then I'll be 171. And then if I get this acting gig, I'll be where I need to be. So I was gonna take a month off from boozing, but if I get this acting gig, then I'm just not gonna booze, like, right on through to the end of the fucking shoot. And then when that's over, okay, I'm gonna get, like, one of those kegerators, and I'm gonna fill it up with fucking whiskey, and I'm gonna be underneath it, and it's gonna be glorious. I don't know. I don't know what my fucking problem is. I should go to a meeting and just see what that's like. I went to a meeting a long time ago when I got arrested for drinking and driving, and one of the requirements was you had to go to an AA meeting, two of them or something like that. All I remember, I was just like, these guys are drunks. I mean, I drink. I don't. I don't drink. These guys had, like, lunacy stories talking about, like, bleeding out their ass and going right to the liquor store the next day. You know what I mean? Like, not eating food for them. Like, just crazy, crazy, crazy fucking stories. So I just was sitting there going, all right, I'm. I'm just a drunk. These people got a problem. I'm telling you right now. If you ever just want to see, you know, some of the most fucked up people on the planet, just go to an AA meeting. These fucking people, man. You know, their fingers are, like, stuck together from, like, cigarette smoke. You know what I mean? They got like. They just. I'm just being an asshole. I have no idea what a fucking AA meeting's like. I know there's, like, you get, like, a little trinket if you do it for a while, you know, Got six days, you know, just fucking, you know. You know, addictive people, they're fucking. They can never stop talking about themselves, right? So they just got to go up there. Oh, my. I'm getting so much shit for this. I don't give a fuck. I think it's about time somebody fucking put AA in its place, right? Once you grow up and white knuckle it like the rest of us, you got to go join a fucking group. Everybody sits down and fucking makes an Afghan together, you know? It's funny. I actually would love to be part of a group. When I went golfing this past week, you know, and I went with a buddy of mine, and he was like a member of a country club, I'm like, this is fucking cool. It's really cool, you know, Bunch of guys fucking talk shit, having A great time, all that, that everybody fucking gives you a rough time for, you know, they always make fun of guys hanging out now if they all hang out together, like it has to be like mocked for some fucking reason. It's fun. You just sit around breaking each other's balls. That's all it was. I went there and it was. Everybody was cool and everybody was just busting chops the whole time. And then you go out and golf and everybody's just giving each other shit and you're laughing and you're smoking cigars and you're gambling and shit. It's, it's fun for whatever reason. I don't know if you, if you do that now. I don't know. For some reason that, that's attacked, you know, I don't, I don't know what, I don't know what it is. I don't know what the fuck it is you're supposed to be doing, but I can tell you I did enjoy it. And speaking of enjoying, I know I'm all over the map. I found. I got caught up with the last, you know, today's Formula one race and the previous one, like a week ago or two weeks ago, I missed it. And I have to tell you, I loved the Force India team before I watched the previous race and now I, I will love that team forever. I will love that team forever. At the very least. Esteban Okon and Sergio Perez, Everybody else was, was racing to not lose, you know, didn't want to up. These guys went in there, you know what I mean? You ever watch a hockey fight and the guys are so good at it, they barely even punch each other. The best ones is where you just, you grab my shoulder, I grab your shoulder. We just fucking beat the shit out of each other, you know, that's what these guys did. They went old time hockey with like racing. They're on the same team. They slammed into each other twice. They don't even give a fuck that it's a teammate. This was like some sort of blood sport that they were doing. Everybody else is out there like, oh my God, that's my teammate. I need to. I'm really literally making fun of the other teams for actually doing this smart thing. I love that they did it. I loved last year when Hamilton and fucking Nicki Minaj, whatever his fucking name was. I can't remember this fucking name. What the hell is this guy's name? Nikki? I won it. Now I'm taking my toys and going home. I'm getting married now. Rosberg Right, Nico Rosberg, that's what it was when they slammed into each other. They did that a couple of times. I like that and I love how these fucking drivers, there's all of this shit where they don't like each other. This, you know, like Sebastian Vettel doesn't like Lewis Hamilton, Kimi Rakernan doesn't like Valtteri Bottas. It's, it literally is Days of Thunder. It's tremendous. And this past week's race was great yesterday as far as watching lance Strahl getting 18 years old. He's lined up in the front row next to Lewis Hamilton who's just the fucking greatest driver. He just is. He is. I know Mercedes has the best fucking cars right now, but you know, give me a fucking break. It's not like Ferrari is any sort of a slouch, right? I don't know, he could argue that Daniel Ricardo's just as good, he's just not riding, driving a car as good. Maybe that's what the fuck it is. I don't know what it is, but I really enjoyed yesterday's race and the previous one. How do you not love Force India out there with the pink cars, the fuchsia cars slamming into each other, it looked like me and my brother at a fucking carnival. He'd be like, those two guys are related. Like you would know if we got into bumper cars, we would. I didn't give a fuck about anybody else out there other than slamming into my own fucking family member. What was the point of hitting somebody else? I couldn't laugh at him in the car ride home. I'd never see him again. So anyways, I guess they go to Singapore next. One of these years I'm gonna line up a stand up date with that race over there. I'm gonna try to go to a couple a year because I'm a fucking lunatic. So I went to Montreal this year and I'm also going to the race in Austin, Texas, provided there's not another, you know, fucking hurricane like that one that hit Houston. Jesus Christ. Anyways, I actually, you know, I want to tweet out something, you guys. There was actually something where you could send like fucking diapers and that type of stuff. I just can't imagine about that as babies and everything. You got to take care of that. Seemed like a really cool thing to do. The very least, at least you can fucking do. So anyways, I'm behind with my MotoGP racing, I gotta get caught up on that, but I have to be, I have to Be honest with this. This race in Italy was one of my favorite races just because of what was going on in like position four, five and six. Fucking lunatic racing. And I just wish they could somehow do something to the cars that, that happened in the first and second position because once again, Lewis Hamilton, you know, he gets to the first corner first, he comes out in first place and then that's it. He's in the front of the race for the rest of the race. And then that's just it, it's over. He's driving in clean air, his car's too fucking fast. Now you gotta hope that the car breaks down or he fucks up, which isn't gonna happen. And. But I did enjoy all that other stuff. But congratulations to Lewis Hamilton for winning another one. He now is ahead of Sebastian Vettel and I believe the Mercedes team as a team is ahead of everybody else too. So they're fucking crushing it. And I think it's gonna be all downhill from here. So I'm hoping the fucking Ferrari team, because they're the closest ones can step it up. And I like both those guys. I like Kimmy, Kimmy Rakonen. He always seems fucking pissed off, getting penalties and shit. I relate to the angry guys. That's why I like Force India. They're gonna fucking slam into each other. It's tremendous. It's tremendous. You know, it's childish, it's stupid. I love when that guy with that former race car champion, I don't know what his name is, the commentator, he just goes, oh, dear. Boys, boys, what are you doing? It's all like fucking parental with him. I wanted to see. I watched the qualifying too. I love when it rains out, dude. Oh, I forgot the greatest quote I've heard since I started watching formula racing. After the Force India cars hit for the second time. I think it was that OCON guy. He says over his radio, he goes to his crew chief or whatever, he goes, what the. Seriously, what the fuck? Like flipping. Meanwhile, he's going like 180 miles an hour. He sounds like me when I drive to work and he's doing like, you know, 180, 200 miles an hour and he's. They fucking flip each other off. They never flip each. It's, it's, you know, the European and shit. They give the ay with the fucking hand. Somebody's got to flip somebody off, you know what I mean? Or if they're right on their ass, slam on the brakes like you do on the highway. Stop fucking tailgating. I wasn't tailgating. I was drafting. All right, enough of this shit. I know a lot of you guys don't even watch this shit, but. All right, let's plow ahead here. I. I was. Did a casino. I already forget the name of it. I was in a casino right outside of San Diego, and I did it two years ago, and I flew down in a R44. And today or yesterday I flew in a. I don't even know what the fuck it was, to be honest with you. Let me see if I can look up the name of this helicopter. This helicopter was turbine engine, which is a jet engine. And it was fucking. The whole thing was hydraulic. Who gives a fuck what helicopter was? So basically I trained on the R22. The R22 is like driving a car that has drum brakes, no power, power steering, you know what I mean? And you have to like fucking control the wipers yourself, you know, like the 1920s, like Laurel and Hardy. You gotta, like move it side to side. Which is also why I love that thing, because you're really flying. If you're holding a hover, you're fucking doing it. Then you move up to the R44. And this is kind of weird where it's like the. The collective and the cyclic are both hydraulic. Okay? That's your power. And then how you steer the shit, you hold with your hands, basically. And then you. But for whatever reason, your foot pedals are not hydraulic. They're just manual, your own pressure. So you're dealing with, like really finessing it. Barely having to touch it up top. And then your drum breaks down the bottom. It's just. It's a very odd feeling. And I fly out of Burbank and there's always a tailwind when you're going in to set it down. It's so fucking annoying. Like right behind you, full blast. I don't know where it comes from every time. In fact, I saw this student that was learning over there what he would do when he would go to set it down. He would just face the wind and set it down and then go inside and get the wheels and then put them on the thing and then just turn the helicopter around. And as much as it was funny, I was like, that's a great fucking idea. I would rather do that, you know, because you're landing next to other helicopters. I don't want to fuck anybody else's shit up. So anyways, this thing was like a. Was like a six seater. And I got a picture, you know, Dean Del Rey, go look him up on Twitter, he's. He tweeted out a picture. I'll fucking, I'll retweet it. And it's like the word, it's. I'm standing in front of the coolest helicopter I ever flew and I'm talking when some. Whoever took the picture. So I look like a fucking. I mean, I look like an asshole anyways, who's kidding? No, but it was, I would say the most amazing machine I've ever gotten the chance to operate. And it was like, it was like a sports car in the air with like, like the tightest, most responsive suspension you could possibly think of without the rough ride because you're not on the ground, you're just going through the air. Didn't feel any turbulence whatsoever. And I just know when you take off in the R22 and you push the stick forward, right? I mean, I don't know how long it is. It's a good 8, 9 seconds until you want to get up to 53 knots. That's the optimal, you know, speed to get out, to get the most rate of climb. And it takes you good. It feels like forever. Eight, nine seconds, this fucking thing. It was like maybe two and a half seconds and it was up to speed. You just pulled the stick back and you fucking shot up in the air. I've never been. It was really intimidating. But once I just sort of. I watched my instructor two times do the start and start up and shut down of it. It's like it's. It's not that bad. It's just intimidating at first. And then you get. Once you know where to look, which is basically your manifold pressure, your altitude and how fast you're going to. Then I'll see you trim. Once you know where those are, all the other shit, it's just like, well, you know a fucking horns gonna go off if there's a problem anywhere else, right? Anyways, it was fun as shit and went down and we did the gig. And I think I'm gonna start doing that. Like I'm doing a podcast festival for the All Things Comedy Network in the end of October. And if I don't get this acting gig and I'm in la, I'm gonna fly out in a helicopter. I got a Vegas gig, I'm going to do that one in the helicopter too. And that way I can get my, keep my hours up, stay current and while going out making money. So I'm renting a helicopter, but I'm earning money, right? And in a way I get to fly Private without having to blow all this money on a stupid ass jet. Which is stupid, right? Those private jets is stupid as hell. You get in them, you can't even stand up. It's the dumbest thing ever. You're way better. You can spend 1 90th the money on a first class fucking ticket and you are in a. You're on like a fucking cruise ship. You can stand. You can stand up. When you take a piss, you don't have to bend over at the fucking neck, you know, I know they make bigger jets, but those things are like, you know, you're gonna fly from Boston to Rhode Island. It's gonna cost you like a fucking $300,000. I don't know how people. I don't know anybody flies private. To be honest with you, I have no fucking idea. Just go to a mom and pop airport, get on JetBlue or Virgin. That's the way to do it. Use some miles, bump yourself up to a bigger seat. You're gonna get a pilot who's psyched he's making a ton of fucking money. You get on those little ones. Those people are not making shit, right? I don't know. That's been my experience. They're trying to get a gig flying one of the bigger ones so they can actually make money instead of flying some little fucking six seater. You know what is. I'm out of my fucking element. I don't know anything about that shit. I just have heard about how much it fucking costs. All right, let me. Let me read the. Let me read the fucking advertising here for this week. All right, what do we got here? Oh, DraftKings, everybody. Hey, do you like to gamble on sports? You want to make some fucking money? These are the guys. It's not too late to get closer to the game you love with DraftKings. One week fantasy football. This Sunday, DraftKings is hosting a $100,000 pick contest that is totally free to enter. All right. 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Speaking of which, the New England Patriots, the five time super bowl defending champions, the the off the, often criticized for absolutely no fucking reason, you know, all the time had another guy bring up fucking deflate gate. I always tell him it's like they did not get convicted of deflating balls, you fucking moron. That was laughed out of court for the 90 millionth time. And then the suspension was, was, was canceled. Remember that? He was supposed to be suspended. And they took it to court and it was laughed out of court. And the judge said, you're wasted. Why did you waste my fucking time with this? That's what happened. And then, you know, the United States of America, you cannot get tried twice for the same offense. That's habeas hearsay, crime something or other, right? You can't be. You can't be fucking double jeopardy. You can't fucking do that. So the NFL found a loophole. They just went back to court and said, is the NFL a corporation? And the judge was like, yes. And then they said, does a corporation have the right to suspend its employee? And the judge said, yes. And they said, fine. We're a corporation. Tom Brady is our employee and he is suspended. And that's what they did. That's why he got suspended. Not because they proved anything, you fucking dopes. And by the way, the guy who caught the alleged by the way, under inflated fucking ball. By the way, the Colts also allegedly had two under inflated balls. But who gives a fuck? They're not winning all the championships, right? The guy who caught the ball tested positive for steroids this past season. Nobody gives a shit. All right, Loot Crate, everybody. Loot Crate. Be the envy of your friends and get 100% exclusive crates@lootcrate.com xxx and enter my code xxx. Well, I guess I got the wrong fucking copy, didn't I? I don't know what to do with this. X what is this? I never know what this fucking cop. I'm just gonna read it and get xxx amount of dollars off any new subscription. 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I never understood it. Somebody sat in a writer's room and pitched that. What if the robot said, beady, beady, beady, beady. And then said what he was going to say and somehow there wasn't like a deafening amount of silence and be like, what the fuck did you just say? Get out of this room. All right. One lucky subscriber will also win a mega crate of seriously epic proportions. You have until the 19th, September 19th, at 9pm Pacific to subscribe and receive that month's crate. And when the cutoff happens that it's. That's it. It's over. Go to lootcrate.com burr and enter my code Burr Burr to save $3 off on any new subscription today. I wish I had more information on that, but I don't. All right, here we go. What do we got? Oh, all right. There you go. All right. Booze lineup. Oh, beautiful. I was hoping people were going to send these in. All right, I. I talked last week on, you know, I got back into baseball and that Yankees, Red Sox, things heating up again. We better meet in the playoffs. It has to happen. It's been too long. I ended up Yankees, took three out of four, so I broke even. All this talking, all of this talking, and it just. We ended up just being even. But I was talking about, you know, just watching baseball. I did my booze lineup of, like, whiskeys, scotches, and bourbons. All right? I don't just do scotches. Okay? This isn't like the. This isn't MLB when Babe Ruth played. All right? This is any. Anybody can show up as long as you're brown Now. Tequila is also welcome. So this would be my lineup. I always change the lineup. I would say this week, Johnny Walker Blue is leading off. You got to start with some strong right. Pappy Van Winkle is in second. And then I would put angels envy at third. McCallum rare cast, rare Cask is bat and cleanup. All right, Then I'd have Yippee ki Yay fifth. And you know, once you get to the middle lore, this is just when I just want to get up. Right. Those other ones, Angels Envy is also a good one just to get up on. You know, it's not that expensive either. Then you get to the middle of the order where it's like, I'm staying at home and I'm getting drunk by myself, or I'm getting drunk with a friend of mine that appreciates good whiskey, bourbon, or whatever. When I get in the middle, then it's like Yippee ki Yay, Patron Silver. Maybe I put Grand Patrone where I put Angel's Envy. That's why I got that. Okay, Grand Patron hit the third spot. Then I got Yippee ki Yay. Then I got Angels Envy and then Johnny Walker Black. Okay, those are the next three. So then you got eight and nine. And that's when you know, you just have just people coming over and they just want to get shit faced. Then you just got to go Maker's Mark or Jack Daniels, you know, and then if you just have a complete. Do you just give them red label Johnny Walker? All right, so here's this person's booze lineup. All right? He goes, I love your idea about doing a booze alcohol battling lineup. Here's my submission. Leading off, Kentucky Tavern. I'd never heard of this. This is what I love. It's going to give me new shit to try. Dependable, a little rough around the edges, but you know this guy's going to get on base at a.400 clip even if he has to lean into one every now and then. I love that this person broke it all down. Then give me your scouting reports too. When you send these in, batting second, Hornitos. What the fuck is that? Hornitos can be streaky at times, but still has a little bit of a pop if you mix it with grapefruit soda. Dude, you're in your second guy. You're already mixing it with something. All right. Oh, hang on a second. Speaking of that, some Josh just asked me if I had the soda. No, I don't. I got to do a voice text here. Get The Fanta orange with the Mexican sugar. There you go. All right. That's right. When I'm not boozing, I actually drink Fanta orange soda. It's kind of nice because it's really sweet. And then you got the smoke. You know, it's not redundant. Remember big night when that lady got the pasta and then she also ordered mashed potatoes and the guy wouldn't do it because it was too starches. You know, why would you have a cigar and then drink something really Petey? It's like fucking redundant. You want some a sweet kind of alcohol with you? I'm not, actually. I do. Okay, so batting third, this guy has Bullet. This is your franchise player. He makes everyone around him a little better. Plus, he's going to give you a team friendly long term contract that won't have you paying luxury taxes. Dude, this guy's great. You know, he took a funny idea, now he's taking it to an even funnier level. All I did was just. I got to break down each player now. All right. Batting cleanup, Knob Creek. He goes, can you tell I'm a bourbon drinker? I can never keep him straight. He goes, bottom line is, if there's any ducks left on the pond, this guy is there to deliver the knockout punch. I gotta tell you, the way he's describing this lineup, he's definitely making the playoffs if not winning the pennant. Batting fifth, Smirnoff Vodka. Okay. Definitely nothing to write home about, but when surrounded with the right personnel, there's always potential for magic. You know what? My vodka is my go to vodka. I like Belvedere. Oh, Belvedere. Come here, boy. I like that better than Grey Goose. Grey Goose is just like. That's like soft rock, like easy listening, you know what I mean? I like Belvedere. It's got a little more of a fucking bite to it, but I don't know much about vodkas either. Batting 6, Johnnie Walker Black. Now, you might be. Now might be a good time to mention I'm in my early 30s, because this guy is a September call up. You're not quite ready to add him to your 40 man roster just yet, but he's for a cup of. But he's up for a cup of coffee because you know he's going to be an important part of your future. Yeah, maybe you can get on base and steal second. All right. Batting seventh. Oh, Jesus. Dude. This is unforgivable. If you're in your 30s, this is unforgivable. And I respect you that you can still drink this Jagermeister. Wow. Wow. You often find yourself wondering why this guy is even still around. And yet you feel you can remember. Wait. And yet you can. You feel like you can remember a time when he was actually pretty good. Yeah, he's like the one of those guys we had just like. You know, like Vince Carter. Still play. That's not fair to Vince Carter because Vince Carter was one of the greatest. You know, I. I think the best dunker of all time. High, certainly the highest jumper. I. I apologize. I shouldn't have said. Vince Carter was the first guy I thought of. He's like a. Jim, you remember when, like, Giambi was playing on the Colorado Rockies? It's like one of those deals. All right. Captain Morgan batting 8th. Definitely a role player. This, this. That's like your catcher. This guy could be a superstar, but he's got a bit of a sweet tooth and always shows up to spring training 20 pounds overweight. Oh, he's the panda. Still, you know, he's good for a sac fly in a key situation. Yeah, one of these guys just has to. You're out there for defense, you know, he's not hitting for average. All right, batting ninth. Wild Turkey, American, honey. And he writes. Oh, Jesus. You ask him to lay down a bunt and you just know he's going to hit into an inning, ending double play every damn time. By the way, if it's a close one, I'm putting in Buffalo Trace in place of Jaeger as a defensive substitution. Dude, this guy's brilliant. So that's my lineup. Thanks for the idea. I enjoyed putting this together, even if you don't read it. No, dude, I love that you broke it all down. All right, here's another guy's lineup. All right, his whiskey lineup. Bullet, eagle, rare, batting third. McAllen12 batting fourth. Angels envy, cask strength. I never had that. Dh. I might up some of the names of these. Balvenie, 12 years, single malt. Glenn Levitt, French Oak. I can't deal with the florals. I don't like the floors. I like more the PD thing. Like Glenn Levitz. I never been able to quite handle this, but I respect them. They're definitely in the hall of fame of booze. Oh, fuck. He's gonna stop by a taco. Oh, Jesus Christ. What is he talking about? He's gonna stop by a taco truck to get the fucking booze. No, no, no, no, no, no. The Soto. I mean. Hang on, let me hit pause and straighten this up. All right, I'm back. So, anyways, Glenn Levitt, French Oak. Sixth. Number seven, Willie Pot, still reserve. Never heard of that one. Number eight, Jefferson's. Ocean aged at sea. Jesus. Sounds like low tide shit to me. Number nine, Hudson Bay. Starting pitcher is Blanton's. Oh, I forgot to do a starting pitcher. Middle reliever. Giving you a reliable couple innings makers. 46. Closer is Elijah Craig. Barrel proof. Dude, I love everybody going with the starting pitchers. Then you got to have your middle relief. Actually, he had middle relief. Oh, my God, dude, this is endless. And then, you know, so you're going to get some real big time booze hounds. That nine, you know, positions in the batting lineup are not going to be enough. They're going to have to go. They're not to like, I don't know, do like a football team. 11 offensive players. This isn't fair to people over in Europe. Go ahead, give me your lineups and use all the soccer terminology. Maybe I'll. I'll learn something. All right, here's another last booze lineup here. Dear Billy, no fun, no fuss, no must, no brainer. In answer to your request for our batting lineups of booze, I'm not much of a drinker anymore, so. So I'll go the other way and do my recreational drug lineup. I love it. I love it. You guys are taking this idea and running with it. This is tremendous. All right, number one, weed. Number two, black hash, preferably from Nepal. Number three, magic mushrooms. Batting cleanup, lsd, preferably purple. Owsley. Never tried it, but according to Ken Casey, it was the best. Number five, ecstasy, pure and uncut. Number six, ketamine. I don't want this. Number seven, cocaine, pure and uncut. Cocaine, pure and uncut. Should be. That sounds like a speedster, man. Get him on base, he steals second and you have lsd. Bring him home with a single to right. I don't know. Running on a full count. You're not going to catch that guy. He might score from first. All right, number eight, peyote. Number nine, mescaline, pure and uncut. Hey, Bill, on Thursday you were talking about the sound of drums in the 70s. I watched this recently and thought it would be informative to you over overhead mic with a compressor on it. You guys have to watch this if you're into any type of music. I actually watch this thing and it's. Do you know that sound of Phil Collins drums? The famous drum fill from in the Air tonight that Gaga. Ga goon ga goon ga Don. It was. You got to watch this video. How? They came up with that drum sound was an accident. And then everybody used it and it literally became the sound of the 80s. And now it's back. I guess Taylor Swift used it in some song called 1989 and all that. But if you just. If you're into that nerdy audio stuff, like, I found this. How great my drum teacher Dave Elitch is. I. I was tuning up my. My drums. You know, I got some back east and it's this old Slingerland kit and It's a. A third, a 12. Wait, no, a 9 by 1314 and an 18. It was 1314 toms and then an 18 inch floor and a 24 inch kick. And I ended up adding another six. I found a. From the same era, a 16 inch floor tom. And then I added another bass drum. So I got two 24s. All right. This was my first attempt to get. To try to get away from just aping and doing a bad job of everything John Bonham did. I was getting into Primus and my. My brothers, they were playing like speed metal and. And they were trying to. Always trying to get me into Metallica and Slayer and all them. And I just, I just was too much of a idiot to realize how great that music was. And I could have seen all those bands on their first tours and I didn't do it. So anyways, I went home and I was tuning up the bass drum and I just couldn't get a good sound. And it was this weird, like vibrating sound or whatever. And I text my teacher, I said, yeah, I'm getting this weird like a buzz or a rattle. And he said, is there a hole in the front head? I was like, this guy's a fucking genius. Fucking genius. Because what happened is there wasn't a hole in the front head, but where they were, something fell on it and punctured just the littlest of hole. I said it was a tiny hole. He goes, that would be enough to fuck it up. Because I couldn't get that boom sound. And so now I'm like obsessing about it. I gotta get. I gotta get back east again. I want to try tuning them up again. And I've now become obsessed with like different heads. And I used to be so afraid to try and tune my drums, I'd have somebody else do it. And then I just wouldn't touch them. And I'd play them until they sucked again. And then I hope I could find somebody else rather than just biting the bullet and being like, just take out your drum key and start with it and ask People who know how to do it to teach you how to do it and keep doing it. You. But you know, part of being an asshole is you don't do shit like that. All right? The apocalypse. Hey there, Dilly Dilly. Hey there, Billy Death Bell. The Internet keeps talking about the end of times as if things today are far worse than they've ever been. I'm only 31 years old, but I seem to remember plenty of bad weather and shitty presidents. There's this need to make everything sound worse than it is these days because everyone loves to be the bearer of bad news and they get a thrill off the excitement that shit may be going south. Real quick. I saw a quote by John Mayer on Twitter. Someone asked him what annoys him and he says, spacious argument. It's everywhere. I can't stand it. Is that it? Did I say that right? The fetishization of defense attorney logic gone mainstream. Well, he's obviously a smarter person than me because I don't know what any of that means. Spacious argument. It's everywhere. I can't stand it. The fetishization of defense attorney logic gone mainstream. That right there is why he's a brilliant guitarist. Because I don't know what the fuck he just did, but I don't know that anybody's ever put words together like that. I don't know what that means. I totally agree. Everyone thinks they're dropping the mic and they're just pandering and reaching for low hanging fruit. Now that, that I agree with. Yes. P.S. keep the 90s music coming. That Fiona Apple song that Andrew used last week reminded me of the summer I started jerking off. Save the pet store manager from, from last week. I don't know what that means. Yeah, Andrew picks the music. I wish I was could claim that I was as cool as the to know all the shit that he does. He knows a bunch about music. Yeah, there is a lot of that. There's a lot of gloom and doom and all that type of shit. But, you know, it's not all it is. I, I, you know, the Great Barrier Reef and all that type of shit is pretty terrifying. All of that shit is pretty terrifying. And I mean, I can't even focus on it. If you actually get past all the dopes on social media talking about things and you actually listen to scientists talking about like, whatever their predictions are. I know that there's, I don't know, this sounds like a, you know, I think it's going to be, I don't know, it should be interesting. We'll see. I hope they're wrong. You know, who the fuck knows? I don't know. All right, the DNC, everybody. Dear Mr. Burr, I'm appalled and disgusted that you had the audacity, audacity to speak poorly of Debbie Schultz Wasserman, a lifelong servant of her country and the only party that has moved this country forward. I usually enjoy your brand of humor. There's no way this person's serious. I have see. I have see parts of your comedy specials and overheard a handful of episodes of your podcast while in the proxy of my brother in law. You, sir, have a responsibility to tell the truth and not just your uninformed opinions on politics. The deceit that you distribute is going to aid in the dismantling of this country. Oh God. Oh God, give me a fucking break. You just happened to be walking by and you heard that? Well, you know, the whole part of this podcast is that I am uninformed. And I sent a link that you could watch on YouTube and listen to that lawyer discussing the things that she did or didn't do. So I don't know what your fucking problem is. You know, I talk about politics the way I talk about sports. As someone who never did it at a professional level, I met Schultz Wasserman a few years back and I asked her what we could do every day to change the nation for the better. And she, eloquent, frequently, said, do not let them tell you how to feel. Oh God, I'm not reading the rest of this. This is fucking. Sincerely a proud Democrat who will not be discouraged. You know what you sound like? You sound like someone. You know when someone comes up to me and says, the Patriots are cheaters, and then I say, who's your team? And then I talk about the shit that they've done and then they downplay that. Yeah, you are. I got to be honest with you, as uninformed as I am, people like you, I can't even talk to because you're so lost in your blue ties that you can't see that it's just. You know what it's like. Everybody out here in Hollywood loves to sit there and trash Fox News and talk about how they're all these bullies and all that. And I'm going to tell you, I'm not going to name any names, but the amount of performers, comedians, actresses and all this type of shit, like their level of zero tolerance, like they're. They're literally what they're fighting. They're bullies. They tell people how they're supposed to think the way they're supposed to think. And they feel that they are 100% right. They feel that their view of the world is the way that the world should be. And anyone who doesn't think that needs to be attacked needs to be dragged on stage and humiliated, Needs to have their, Their, their ability to earn a living attacked. It's no different than when you watched what Fox News did to the Dixie Chicks. It's the exact same fucking thing. The exact same level of righteousness. Patting themselves on the back about how fucking smart they are and how informed they are. You know, Meanwhile, as they fly around in fucking private jets. Give me a fucking break. Give me a fucking break. Okay? You know, the Patriots cheat. Your team cheats. The Republicans are pieces of shit. The Democrats are pieces of shit. All right, there you go. There you go. So anything other than that, you're looking at shit through fucking rose colored glasses. And I think it's. I think that that is. I don't know what to think. I just. I can't have a conversation with that. You know what I mean? It's like if I listen to a Red Sox fan back when Derek Jeter was playing and they just say that he sucks and he's fucking overrated and blah, blah, and I would just sit there and be like, he isn't. He's fucking one of the greatest players of all time. I'd love if he was on my team, you know, I hate the Yankees, but I'm not gonna hate on greatness. Mariano Rivera is the greatest fucking closer of all time. I still fucking hate the Yankees, but I don't hate him to a level that I can't see. I can't see that. You know what I mean? I. I just don't. I just don't fucking understand it. I don't understand it. Like, you want to talk about Spygate? Yeah, the Patriots were guilty of cheating. Deflate gate was bullshit. Spygate was true. However, they were only guilty of. Of doing it for one game. And I only clarify that because everybody thinks, well, they should take away all their titles because that's what they were doing. No, that was the first game. It was illegal and they kept doing it. All right? And they were 100% guilty and they deserve to be fined because they were cheating then. Yes, they were. That one time. All the other stuff was bullshit, though. However, if they. Because I remember when Deflategate came out, I was like, if they did this again, I'm done with this fucking team. That's what I said. And Then I watched the whole fucking thing unfold. I was like, oh, this was just bullshit. So there you go. Does that sound even handed? You guys probably think I'm too much of a Patriots fan, but I mean, I did they. Spygate was cheating and they were guilty. They did it one game. Ray Mangini ratted him out. Then that was it. They were fucking guilty. What are you going to do? Does that make them worse than anybody else? No. Bill Walsh cheated. So there you go. There's your Democrats and your Republicans. Say the Patriots are Democrats. I'm a Patriots fan, so I am a Democrat, okay? But I can see their fucking. I can see that Spygate was fucking cheating and they were guilty of it. And I could also see that Bill Walsh fucking did the same thing when he pretended his fucking headsets went out. It's not that fucking hard. I don't understand what your point is. That, oh my God, this person was just a fucking amazing person. I said, what should we do? He said, don't let them capitals tell you how to feel. That is such like. That has got to be the most vague. I'm on my way to my town car. Horseshit response ever. Hey, Bill, what's your secret to being a successful stand up comedian? You know, just get out there and keep doing it, man. All right. Girlfriend won't take racist last name. All right. Dear Billsbury Doughboy. Hey, fuck you, man. I'm under 180, okay? Go easy, go easy, you know. All right. Dear Billsbury Doughboy, My girlfriend of three years has made it very clear that if we. If I were to propose to her that she would not take my last name. The reason being is that she feels my last name is racist. The name is coons spelled C, O, O, N, S. I told her that I have never encountered a problem having this last name and she has nothing to worry about. Thoughts? Yeah, here's my thoughts. I think you're making this up. And if you're not, that woman is too dumb to marry and reproduce with. All right? If you call a black person a coon, that is racist. If your last name is coons, it isn't. You know, Look, I see. If your last name was the N word, then yeah, I mean, maybe you want to, you know. Yeah. I mean, if it's. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, if that's your last name. And that's a believable last name, isn't it? You know what I mean? I don't know. Anyways, my roommate is, you know, like I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think of a room racial group I can do here without getting in trouble because I want to really do a fucking. I guess I have to go against my own. My own fucking racist. What would I do? There's no good ones. There's no good ones with white people because, like, it doesn't have an effect on us. Ah, shit. You know, I mean, I don't know. Maybe in the future some other group takes over, and then we'll have that. We'll have our. You know. You can't call me cracker. I love crackers. I love putting cheese on them. My roommate is a fucking weirdo. Dear Cunty McCunt. Fuck. First of all, a big fan of the fucking podcast. The last fucking Netflix special was phenomenal. So thanks. Okay, I think this is one of these people that thinks, because I swear, that now they have to swear. You don't have to bring yourself down to my level, sir. Anyways, I just fucking moved into college as a freshman. My roommate is a hot. I mean, I'm gay. So right away I was into him, but I kept to myself since I had no way of knowing he was gay, too. I thought you guys had gaydar. You couldn't sense it. So last week on Friday, after a fucking drunken night out, we returned to our room. Oh, Jesus, here we go. And the fucking guy offhandedly tells me he's gay. Once the conversation started getting more personal, then I told him, I'm also gay. And this guy says, fag, I don't think this is real. After which we proceeded to fuck, which was fucking amazing, by the way. I find the term. I find the fag term endearing. So fuck all the political correctness hysteria by gays and non gays alike. All right, I'm just going to read this. Okay? Anyways, this is when the shit started to hit the fan. No pun intended. Sorry, dude, you lobbed it over the net. Once I came, he expressed disappointment at the volume of my come. Does anyone believe this is true? The literally said, that's it. What are you, sick or something? I felt inadequate since his load was considered really bigger than mine. Oh, Jesus Christ. So then the next morning, he says he wants to again. I go along with it like, he's so hot. I'm not going to refuse. Halfway through this says, you know, for a tall guy, you're sure of a small dick. And he writes like, what the fuck? Yeah, well, dude, you came back for more abuse here, so I'm all for two, right? Inadequate dick size, check. Lack of Herculean cum shot, check. Is insulting the people he part of his style? Like, I can't figure out why he still wants to fuck me after two colossal fucking insults. So what the fuck do I do next? Well, stop fucking the guy. Fuck knows. But the next day, we're chugging beers in our room. You know, other than the gay sex, this sounds amazing. Sorry, I'm looking at this as a straight guy. Where the fuck am I? Okay, we're chugging beers in a room, and he suggests something beyond weird. Oh, God. He basically tells me he wants me to pee in his mouth. You know, even if this is fake, this is tremendously creative. You got to give this up, okay? Since it turns him. Since it turns him on, I'm eight beers deep and I'm a lightweight. So I'm like, fuck it, dude. I swear to God, if this is true, and you piss in this guy's mouth and he's like, that's it. This motherfucker has a stream like a goddamn fire hose and nearly broke my jaw in the process. What? I don't believe. Jesus Christ. So I'm completely weirded out by this colossal cunt. Dude, you let him piss in your mouth. His only saving grace is that he happens to be the hardest guy I ever met. So, Bill, what the fuck do I do? Do I change room, kick this cunt to the curb, and sleep and never sleep with again? Or do I stick. Stick in there so that I can stick it in there. Thanks. And go fuck yourself, you muggy bitch. I don't know. It sounds like you feel bad afterwards. If I was with a woman and she was doing this shit to me and she was really hot, yeah, I'd probably keep going back, but I would just get myself mentally prepared. You know what you might do? Just tell him he has a weird asshole. You got to get in his head, tell him his ass is too hairy, he needs to braid the hair on his ass or so I don't know what the fuck I mean, you're outside. You know, this is still basically human interaction. So you're talking about feelings here. So if you want to get childish, say something mean to him. And I don't know. You know what's weird is Josh just showed up. Now I have to smoke a cigar after reading that shit. Yeah. Dude, don't fucking go back. Don't go back for more. Right? Or if you're gonna go back for more. Sorry, I'm texting. Hang on. All right. Yeah, you don't need to put up with that shit. Everything's like a pun in this. The weird thing is that you live with the guy, it's never good to your roommate. You know, it's. That's. That's never going to be a good thing. But I don't know how it works with gay guys because you're both guys, right? So I would think you'd be able to just be like, yeah, we're just fucking, right? Then we'll watch a game and fucking drink some beers and I'll fucking piss in your mouth. Evidently, I guess that's how it goes down. I don't know what the fuck happens here, so I would just. If he sincerely is making you feel bad, then I would. I would try to find a better guy. But considering you live with them, you obviously, it's like you can just blow the guy off. So at some point he's going to be like, hey, man, you want to fuck? You got to be like, nah, I don't be like, why not be like? Because you're a dick. You say mean shit to me and I don't like it, all right? So why don't you go in there and go rub one out and piss in your own fucking mouth, you fucking douche? Or you just move out. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. God bless each and every one of you. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.
- [92:23]
What's up, everybody?
- [92:25]
Paul Versi
And welcome back to the anything Better podcast show, NFL edition. And I am so thrilled to be back here with me, your host, Paul Versi over here and Bill Burr over there. And we're very excited to bring back, of course we have Andrew Themless, the Greek freak, the Beverly Hills kid. And making his year two, he made the rock. He made the 53 man roster.
- [92:53]
Bill Burr
A fan favorite. A fan favorite. Paul.
- [92:56]
Paul Versi
Jake the Snake is back. He's got more detailed injury reports this year, so we are back in full swing. Bill, how the hell are you? We're back at week one.
- [93:04]
Bill Burr
We gave Jake the Snake the keys to the car, okay? This is his team to win or lose with. I'm beyond psych, dude. I am beyond psyched for. For the game tonight.
- [93:20]
Paul Versi
Well, Bill, I have to say something to you, dude. And I don't know, I was only able to give.
- [93:24]
Bill Burr
It's not nice. I don't want to hear it. I'm in no good mood.
- [93:27]
Paul Versi
It's very nice. And I wasn't able to do this publicly on the show. I had to call you after the fact. But, dude, your super bowl prediction and what you said would happen, how it would happen, happened, okay? And listen, you know me, I'm a guy that likes to credit where credit's due, okay? I like to give credit because you said the Philadelphia Eagles were going to kick the out of them. You said how they were going to do it. If you listen back to that episode, you nailed it.
- [93:53]
Bill Burr
And if the refs let him play. And what I want to do is thank all the NFL fans that were talking on social media saying, this is massaged, it's fixed. So they were like, it's getting too loud. Call off the dogs, it'll still be a game, blah, blah, blah. It wasn't a game.
- [94:13]
Paul Versi
No.
- [94:14]
Bill Burr
The Kansas City Chiefs, you know, they shouldn't have been there, dude. They should not have been there any more than I should have. Paul, that's. It's a bit of an exaggeration.
- [94:24]
Paul Versi
It was a beat down.
- [94:25]
Bill Burr
While you're looking a little blurry, you're looking a little blurry. Am I. Do the handwriting. Am I crazy? There it is.
- [94:31]
Paul Versi
Okay. All right. But we got a lot of good picks. We got a lot of good games. You got a new. You got a new coach with the Pats. The Giants have a new quarterback. We got a lot of different stuff, but we have to do this. Jake.
- [94:41]
Bill Burr
Daniel Jones. Go. Daniel Jones went where?
- [94:43]
Paul Versi
Daniel Jones is on the Indianapolis Colts.
- [94:46]
Bill Burr
They took on all that money.
- [94:48]
Paul Versi
The Indianapolis Colts. And guess what? He just got named the starter. QB1.
- [94:54]
Bill Burr
Oh, dude. Jim. Hers. They passed during the off season. So, you know, rest his soul.
- [95:00]
Paul Versi
Rest his soul.
- [95:01]
Bill Burr
We didn't know we see eye to eye, but it'll be interesting to see if they carry on his tradition. I mean, you know, they, they won a lot over there. Paul. How they did it, we're not going to bring up.
- [95:13]
Paul Versi
Hey, nobody needs to answer questions. Jake the Snake before we do our week one picks, what do we got? What's interesting, what are story lines and who is hurt? Here he is, everybody. Oh, the fresh.
- [95:27]
Bill Burr
Look at that.
- [95:28]
Look at that.
- [95:29]
Patrick Mahomes is not the only guy with a new haircut this year.
- [95:33]
Jake the Snake
That's right. I had to freshen up for you guys.
- [95:35]
Bill Burr
That's right. Jake the Snake got a guaranteed contract on the show. And look at him. He's already spending his money dirty. Spending his money. I love it.
- [95:44]
Jake the Snake
Looking sharp.
- [95:46]
Bill Burr
Got himself a new ride. The whole deal.
- [95:48]
Paul Versi
Oh, I can see Jake. You know, it'd be great. Jake yelling at the barber. I'm going on the air tomorrow. I said.
- [95:55]
Bill Burr
I said faded higher.
- [95:56]
Does this look camera ready? Does this look camera ready?
- [96:01]
Jake the Snake
That's awesome.
- [96:03]
Paul Versi
You call that a fade? I'm going on.
- [96:05]
Bill Burr
Anything better?
- [96:06]
Paul Versi
Week one tomorrow. All right, go ahead. What do we got, Jake?
- [96:10]
Jake the Snake
Well, the big storyline is Micah Parsons got traded to the packers and they play the Lions. So that's gonna be a huge game on Sunday. They're saying he has a back injury, so we'll see if he actually gets out there. But either way, that's gonna be a great game. Then we got the Bills and Ravens on Saturday Night Football. Huge rematch of last year's playoff game. Two probably the best quarterbacks in football going at it. So that'll be fun. And then Chief Chargers are going to be out there in Brazil, which I'm nervous about, because last year, if you remember, the packers quarterback.
- [96:45]
Bill Burr
Wait, the NFL is going to Brazil now?
- [96:47]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, it's tomorrow. Terrible.
- [96:49]
Bill Burr
There you go. There you go. I mean, you know, if you're gonna leave the country. Oh, Paul. Oh, we gotta do a show down there. I'll tell you, there's a lot of talent down there. Okay.
- [97:02]
Paul Versi
You ain't kidding. Let's go to Rio.
- [97:05]
Jake the Snake
Yeah. The players are ecstatic to go there.
- [97:09]
Bill Burr
Oh, my God.
- [97:10]
Like, the. The amount of trouble.
- [97:13]
Jake the Snake
Oh, yeah.
- [97:14]
Bill Burr
Can you imagine? Like, you. You play in Brazil and you're like, what is my life? I'm playing my. I'm living my dream, playing in Brazil. And then the next week, you play in, like, Jacksonville. I was like, that's like Minnesota.
- [97:31]
Paul Versi
Dude. You just see NFL players yawning. They were out all night. Nobody's gonna care about the game. Are you kidding me, dude?
- [97:39]
Bill Burr
That's the smartest things I ever did, Paul. Back in the day, my friends would go down there, and I never went. That's the smartest thing I ever did. You go down there, Paul? Yeah. You don't come, but you physically. You come back. You don't come back. You know, you can't come back. And then, like, the level of that, you're going to be taken from an American woman, and then these goddesses are down. I mean, you know, I just. I'm not saying they don't give you down there, but if you're gonna take some, Paul, that's the best. You know, it's like being homeless. If you're gonna do it. San Diego.
- [98:13]
Paul Versi
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
- [98:14]
Bill Burr
Don't do it in Cleveland. No. If you're gonna live under a bridge, Paul. I mean, where is Paul Percy living?
- [98:25]
Paul Versi
Probably South Beach. It was South Beach.
- [98:30]
Bill Burr
You know, you know, the happiest homeless guy, you're loving me.
- [98:35]
Paul Versi
Like, dude, you don't even need a house. I swear to God, dude, I go to the beach, you know, it rains.
- [98:41]
Bill Burr
A lot, but it doesn't rain for a long time down here. And as long as it doesn't go sideways, you know, if I'm under the bridge, I mean, I'm good. I got a dog.
- [98:55]
Paul Versi
The NFL is going. I think they need to calm it down a little bit. I mean, what's next? Dude, I'm seeing the Raiders in Columbia next year.
- [99:02]
Bill Burr
I'm telling you, if they're gonna try, they're trying to go global. Like, you know how soccer is global in the ufc. I'm telling you that they don't understand that. That's apples and oranges. I remember Rogan said a long time ago, if you're driving down the street, even if you don't watch mma, if you saw two people fighting, you're gonna stop and watch it. Like, fighting has global appeal and so does soccer. I mean, it would be. Can you imagine if, like, Australian Rules Football came over here? Or they tried to bring, like, the Seven Nation Rugby League over here? And who's going to win the championship? Or the wooden spoon? I mean, that's what we're trying to do. I'm not on those leaks, but it's just you grew up with those. You watched them with your dad, and it's just. They're there. So I don't know. But, I mean, if they're going to try to go global, you might as well go to some.
- [99:58]
Paul Versi
I thought your voice just cracked when you said dad.
- [100:01]
Bill Burr
I thought you went dad.
- [100:06]
Paul Versi
All right, well, here's the best part, Bill. You get to go first because it's an odd year, and you go first on the fella. So what's that?
- [100:15]
Bill Burr
And I'm an odd fella.
- [100:16]
Paul Versi
You're an odd fella. And you get the. You get the honors to open the year. And you know what?
- [100:21]
Bill Burr
Yeah. There's just something about me. You can't quite put your finger on it. All right, well, I'm gonna go right out of the gate, and I'm gonna take my New England Patriots, minus two and a half, playing the Oakland Raiders. Sorry, Los Angeles Raiders. Oakland. The Las Vegas Raiders. All right. The Raiders are like that dude, you know, that got married, like, the fourth time, and you're like, am I really going to this wedding?
- [100:49]
Paul Versi
But I'm just not going. I hope. I wish you well, but I can't make this one.
- [100:53]
Bill Burr
Where do they move next?
- [100:55]
Paul Versi
I know, I know.
- [100:56]
Bill Burr
Where do you go after that? They, they got the triangle of death there. Oakland, Louisiana. Oakland. Vegas.
- [101:03]
Paul Versi
I tell you where they're gonna go. They're gonna be, they're gonna be the Brazil Raiders.
- [101:10]
Bill Burr
Oh, my God. That would be a hell of a promotion. The p. That I, I, if I was the owner, I would literally have a pirate ship.
- [101:18]
Paul Versi
Oh.
- [101:18]
Bill Burr
Sail into the, the harbor. That's how I would do it. I'm. This is Paul. I am swinging in the wind here. I have no idea what I'm doing.
- [101:29]
Paul Versi
The Rio Raiders. Yeah, I was thinking that too. Andrew said the real race. Dude, I gotta tell you, it's got a nice ring.
- [101:35]
Bill Burr
It's got a nice ring to it. You're telling me the Giants are playing the Rio Raiders? You're not trying to sell that to your wife?
- [101:42]
Paul Versi
Babe, we're going to Brazil for you. They got, they got, they got frozen yogurt down there.
- [101:53]
Bill Burr
I got to go with, you know, I'm hearing good things. I don't like people who like, like watch preseason football and, you know, with the 200 man roster and somehow they know something. Well, this is what I do know is Mike Brabel can coach for this week. He did great in Tennessee, is a former Patriot. You know, the old player coach thing here, I think people are going to get on board. I hated that they seemed like they hired Mayo to fire him. You know, it's just like, did he deserve, I thought he deserved more. But whatever, you got to shake it off. Here we go. So we're playing the Raiders who are always in flux pole. And I think, I don't think we have a convincing win. I think we win. I think we cover. And I don't know what it means. I'm not, I'm not going to put that level of weight on it. But I, you know, this, this is for those of you watching. If you haven't been new to the show, this is 100% a versi bet. This is me betting with my heart.
- [102:48]
Paul Versi
But you got to like the two and a half at home. The Raiders are, the Raiders are a little hapless right now.
- [102:53]
Bill Burr
Hey, Paul, I don't have to do anything, okay? Don't put fucking words in my mouth.
- [102:58]
Paul Versi
You need to.
- [102:59]
Bill Burr
No, I, I like. No two and a half. I like.
- [103:01]
Paul Versi
I got it. You got.
- [103:03]
Bill Burr
I'll tell you who I like. Dude, is that field goal kicker on the University of Miami hitting that 47 yard. That would have been good from like 57 yards in the Orange bowl, whatever they call it now. Joe Robbie Stadium, wherever the hell they play. Against the Raid, against the Raiders, against the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. That was a big kick. He went up there like it was nothing.
- [103:23]
Paul Versi
Yeah, dude. And what about that kid who kicked a 70 yarder in preseason College or whatever during a game? It banged a 70 yarder, dude. It was nuts. Yeah. Can we find out who that was?
- [103:36]
Bill Burr
I like, if you're consistent from 70 yards, all you have to get is to your 40. Oh, there'd be another eight you'd have to get to like you're 48.
- [103:46]
Paul Versi
Yeah. Jake, I'm sorry. It was the Jaguars kicker. Jaguars kicker in Preseason kicked a 70 yard.
- [103:52]
Bill Burr
70 yard.
- [103:52]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [103:53]
Bill Burr
What is the record?
- [103:54]
Paul Versi
And it had some left 65 in. In a real game.
- [104:00]
Bill Burr
I mean, does it mean, Paul, were they still tackling in that game? Could he still have gotten hit and, like, for some reason that doesn't count. All right, all right.
- [104:08]
Paul Versi
I'm gonna do something stupid, but I'm gonna do it tonight. I'm going tonight. Okay, I'm going. You got Eagles, Cowboys tonight. The Eagles are minus eight and a half. And you know what? I think they're going to win a game by 10. I see this game being like a 21 to 10 game. I think that Dallas morale is down with Micah Parsons going to Green Bay. And I thought Cowboys. But you know what? Nah. Super bowl champs. Saquon's gonna be excited. The link is gonna be going nuts. I can't believe I'm saying this. It's sickening. It's actually sickening. But I'm gonna take him to win by 10.
- [104:46]
Bill Burr
It hurts me to say this. Oh. I mean, is there any worse spread than eight and a half? No, I'd rather have 10 because then it's usually a great team against a team, but eight and a half division rivalry. I tell you, Paul, you got balls. I don't get mad.
- [105:01]
I don't.
- [105:01]
I don't get too mad at that. All right, here's an Easy1. Chiefs -3 playing the Chargers. I just feel like. I feel like the Chiefs, it was an embarrassment. They want to come back and show that, like, you know, they have. That they're not on the other side of it, that Andy Reid's got another one in them. I also feel like the NFL needs this storyline. I don't know if Paula Abdul is going to be at the game or not, but, like, I just, you know, I feel like that it's gonna be a close game. I like the Chiefs minus three Paul, I'm not gonna lie to you. I really feel good about this. I feel like I'm 2.0right now. I feel like some of my hair is growing back. I just. There's a lot of good feelings over here.
- [105:51]
Paul Versi
I was gonna take the Chiefs, so I think that that's a great pick. And listen, Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift, they got engaged, God bless them. So, you know, you don't have to worry about Travis having his face buried in some Brazilian. Hey, he's a C. Hey, Paul.
- [106:07]
Bill Burr
Now, you know, it's a long week.
- [106:08]
Paul Versi
He's off the market.
- [106:11]
Bill Burr
It's a long week.
- [106:14]
Paul Versi
But I agree. I think the Chiefs.
- [106:17]
Bill Burr
Can you do an impression of Travis Kelce's face when he gets engaged and then sees the NFL schedule that. That you could go to Brazil.
- [106:28]
Paul Versi
He calls his brother. Dude, I should. I could have waited, like, three weeks. Dude, I should have waited. I should have waited.
- [106:35]
Bill Burr
I thought we were still going to Germany or England.
- [106:43]
Paul Versi
Dude, let's be honest. The last time the Chiefs played a football game that was meaningful, they got smoked in a Super Bowl. I think it's going to be bad for the Chargers. Sorry, Jake. Hey, Jake the Snake doesn't like this pick, but great pick by you.
- [106:58]
Bill Burr
Well, that's why we had to give. We had to give Jake the big contract. The Chargers were sniffing around him. They wanted to get him up in the booth. Yeah, we had to put the franchise tag on Jake the Snake.
- [107:11]
Paul Versi
All right, well, Bill, you took your team, and you know what?
- [107:15]
Bill Burr
I'm gonna.
- [107:16]
Damn it.
- [107:16]
Paul Versi
I'm gonna take my team. The New York Giants just got probably one of the best defensive linemen in the. In all of the draft. And I love what they're doing on defense. Russell Wilson brings a little stability, but I also like our backup quarterback, and we have probably one of the best wide receivers in the game. Commander's -6. I'm gonna take the Giants getting six points. My Giants. My new defense. Look, Giants going in there. Not saying we definitely win the game, but I could see it being a field goal game. I'm going to take the Giants getting six.
- [107:46]
Bill Burr
I mean, who. Who do the Steelers have at quarterback?
- [107:51]
Paul Versi
You know who they got? They got your boy Aaron Rodgers.
- [107:56]
Bill Burr
Oh, is that where he went? Jesus.
- [107:57]
Yeah.
- [107:58]
Christ. Oh, so they made a straight. They made a trade there, the two of them.
- [108:03]
Paul Versi
He just signed with them, like, two weeks ago. He waited. Oh. You know, Aaron Rodgers enjoyed the summer before he made his decision, but that's what he did.
- [108:11]
Bill Burr
Oh.
- [108:13]
Oh, Paul, that. That's. That's a. That's a ballsy pick. You got two. You know, you got two grizzled vests on a center. All right, let's move on here. I like that Bills Ravens game. I think it's going to be a great game. Oh, Sunday night, plus one. Minus one. Let's just be honest, Paul. It's a pickup.
- [108:32]
Paul Versi
It is.
- [108:32]
Bill Burr
So.
- [108:35]
I love Lamar Jackson, but there's just something about that Ravens team.
- [108:41]
Like, they just always. I don't know, they just. Oh, God.
- [108:45]
I think I'm gonna take the Bills just because they're at home.
- [108:50]
And other than that, I. I have no idea like that.
- [108:54]
That's literally a. Whatever. I mean, I. I just think that's a. Flip the coin. I'll take the point. I'll take one point if I can get it. I mean, Paul, who am I? You know, I'm just a guy here waiting to get a breakfast burrito, usually.
- [109:06]
Paul Versi
Oh, you get a breakfast burrito from that place you took me to?
- [109:10]
Bill Burr
The place I took you to, Paul. The old lady's not there anymore and they switched it up and it's. It's.
- [109:16]
It's average.
- [109:18]
My two breakfast burrito place, Paul, they're average now. It's. It's. You know, you see what happens all of a sudden when those UberEat guys start showing up and there's some of that robot AI shit going on. The food just goes like this. This fascination that everybody has with technology and robots. There's nothing better than a person that cares. How old that cares is always going to be better than a robot. Always.
- [109:41]
Paul Versi
That's why I like over medium eggs. You said it best. You gotta care. Just for 30 extra seconds, you gotta. Just a little care. That's it. Yeah, eggs are better.
- [109:50]
Bill Burr
If you cannot make an over medium egg for someone you don't have love for, your heart has to be in it. And this where they're acting like these robots feel feelings, they don't. It's an algorithm.
- [110:04]
Paul Versi
Yeah, dude, they can make them as.
- [110:06]
Bill Burr
Cute as they want. Those stupid box things driving down the street. Have you ever seen them go in and actually deliver anything? They're not. They're. That's just a promotional tool. Do you get.
- [110:16]
Oh, oh, look.
- [110:17]
Oh, look at it.
- [110:18]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [110:19]
Bill Burr
What's in there, Paul? Huh? Somebody's insulin. How long is it going to take.
- [110:22]
For them to fucking deliver it?
- [110:24]
Paul Versi
I hate to hear. Is the old lady all right?
- [110:27]
Bill Burr
Huh?
- [110:27]
Paul Versi
Is the old lady all right?
- [110:29]
Bill Burr
Who?
- [110:30]
Paul Versi
The breakfast burrito lady.
- [110:34]
Bill Burr
I mean, I. Dude, I don't know if she's all right, she's not there anymore. But I can tell you right now if she passed on. If she passed on, God was like, hang on, hang on. All right, come on in. Come here, Come here. Come here, you. We gotta you this. She did it right?
- [110:59]
Paul Versi
All right.
- [111:00]
Bill Burr
TSA pre check right into heaven.
- [111:03]
Paul Versi
All right. I got my fourth and final pick here, dude. And I'm gonna be honest with you. I. I don't love it, but I like it. And I'm gonna take. I'm gonna take. For the first time in three years, I think the Cincinnati Bengals don't lose week one, and I like them. Minus five. I think the Browns are in a disarray and one of the Browns aren't in disarray. I mean, come on. The Browns have been. I'm not going to lie.
- [111:27]
Bill Burr
The Browns are the Browns.
- [111:29]
Paul Versi
I'm going to take Joe Burrow.
- [111:31]
Bill Burr
Browns haven't been in array since Jim Brown.
- [111:36]
Paul Versi
Rest his soul.
- [111:37]
Bill Burr
They've been disarray ever since. That's not true. Cardiac kids. You know those Elway Browns game, that if they could have just won one of those games that I think that that rivalry would have had more attention put on it. I mean, it was. Those were just fucking. Paul. That was football. Municipal Stadium and Mile High Stadium, those are just ugly. You had to love football to sit in those fucking stadiums. That was the real deal. I love both of those stadiums. Oh, okay, good.
- [112:06]
Paul Versi
No, actually, Andrew said we both have one more pick. By the way, did I ever tell the story about what I heard about the drive with John Elway? When John Elway went to Cleveland to speak about the drive with the dog pound throwing eggs. Did I tell you that story? If I didn't tell you the story, I'm going to tell you real quick. Bo Diaz was the cop at Hilarities. Hilarities. Shout out to Nick Costas. Great room. He always had police there.
- [112:27]
Bill Burr
Oh, Diaz, the catcher from the. The. The Indians.
- [112:31]
Paul Versi
No, no, no. Bo Diaz was the cop that's was at Hilarities.
- [112:37]
Bill Burr
But is that the same Bo Diaz that played in mlb?
- [112:40]
Paul Versi
No, no, this is. This is Copo Diaz.
- [112:43]
Bill Burr
Who's his partner's name? Roy Smalley. Different guy. Different guy.
- [112:49]
Paul Versi
Different guy.
- [112:50]
Bill Burr
So I'm talking to the club owner, Dave Winfield.
- [112:52]
Paul Versi
He tells me this story. I've said it on other podcasts, so I'm going to make it quick because I need to say it on anything better. He said that John Elway came to a. Like a, you know, one of those conference meet, you know, Like a speaking thing in Cleveland. And Elway stands up and he goes, all right, guys. And he's in Cleveland. And Elway goes, I'm gonna tell you guys about the drive. Everyone starts booing, and Bo is the cop in there. Everyone starts booing, boo.
- [113:15]
Bill Burr
And he goes, hold on, hold on.
- [113:16]
Paul Versi
Let me just tell you the story. And he goes, before that drive started, an egg from the dog pound. They had the fans, the dog pound. He said an egg came, hit the face mask of my old lineman, and yoke is all over his face. And he said, the whole drive. This is from. This is the greatest story ever. He said, the whole drive, he's going like this in the drive.
- [113:38]
Bill Burr
Go.
- [113:38]
Paul Versi
He's going. And he won't wipe. He won't wipe it. So Elway goes. Elway goes, dude, why don't you wipe your eyes? And he's going, I'm not giving the. Those the satisfaction to see that they got me.
- [113:51]
Bill Burr
And he. And.
- [113:52]
Paul Versi
And John Elway said it made them loose and laughing the entire drive and kept them loose the whole thing. Because they said every time they would get back into the huddle, he'd be like this.
- [114:01]
Bill Burr
And he wouldn't.
- [114:01]
He wouldn't do it.
- [114:03]
Paul Versi
He's going like. And. And he said Elway and them laughed the whole way down the drive because he's going, I'm not giving those the satisfaction. How great is that?
- [114:12]
Bill Burr
It's. It's.
- [114:14]
It's what makes men hilarious.
- [114:17]
That's it. That's all we need is some silly. That's amazing.
- [114:21]
Paul Versi
That's great.
- [114:22]
Bill Burr
That's so goddamn funny. You know what's funny is I actually. The first person I thought I was at was my. My late great friend Wayne Frevity. He would have done the exact same thing. And he. Rest his soul. And he used. He played high school football and he. His move, he was on the defensive line, his move was he would grab the guy. Other guy's jersey like this, and he would just start slamming his head into him, like, repeatedly and just beat the guy down. Like, just take his heart early in the game, like. Like, just established that he was out of his mind. That is 100% something Wayne Previty would have done.
- [115:03]
Paul Versi
That's awesome. All right, you get your fourth pick.
- [115:07]
Bill Burr
All right, Paul. And I'm just. I'm just gonna close my eyes and throw a dart here. I don't know why. I don't know why this game just. I just love their coach. And the more he looks like he's like Sean Penn playing Kleinfeld and like, all of a sudden going bad and dealing coke is the Miami Dolphins. They're plus one against the Colts, minus one at home. I just think, you know, Daniel Jones there now, I find out he's out there, you know, it's a new system. He's getting comfortable with the team. They're home, the Dolphins. You know, I feel like, you know, they, they. They've played some really good teams. They've beaten them over the years. I mean, they got to be getting to the point, like, when the. Are we going to do something with Tua? I just feel like, you know, it's the first game of the year.
- [115:54]
Paul Versi
I love that pick.
- [115:55]
Bill Burr
They're going to come out and, you know, I think it's going to take Danger Johnson time with the Colts. They got a new owner. They got a whole bunch of new shits going on out there in Indianapolis. And I think the Dolphins are. They're a little salty over the last couple of years. You know, the Bills, this. The bill said, hey, you. We're in this division, too. I think they come, they can win by more than one.
- [116:15]
Paul Versi
Dude. I love the Sean Penn, Kleinfeld thing. What a great character, by the way. What a great scumbag lawyer character. That was.
- [116:22]
Bill Burr
That's my favorite. My. When. When Pacino looks, you know, when he says, you know, I'm your lawyer, and then Pacinos goes, lawyer?
- [116:30]
Paul Versi
Yeah, you ain't a lawyer, Kleinfeld, you a gangster. I love that. Good impression. That was great. That was great movie, dude.
- [116:40]
Bill Burr
Kleinfeld is my friend.
- [116:45]
Paul Versi
Dude.
- [116:46]
Bill Burr
How great. Right out of the gate, John Leguizamo, the first movie I ever saw him, he's doing a fucking scene with Al Pacino. And right out of the gate, it's just like. It's like the Jordan thing. When Jordan gets in the NBA, everybody talks about. I took offense to that or whatever. I took that personally. My favorite line in the Last Dance was when he said, when he got to the NBA, I felt like I needed to establish myself.
- [117:12]
Paul Versi
Yeah. Oh, God.
- [117:15]
Bill Burr
In the curse of Chicago, the two gold change. Oh, and he's just in there just looking like Spider man, dude.
- [117:23]
Paul Versi
The two go. The two go.
- [117:24]
Bill Burr
I feel like John Leguizamo did that. Okay, I am in a scene with Al Pacino. I'm the new kid on the block. I need to establish Benny Blanco from the Bronx. Paul, Benny Blanco from the Bronx.
- [117:37]
Come on.
- [117:38]
Paul Versi
And Louis Guzman going, you know, I gotta look out for the future. When he, when he, you know, he crossed him, he crossed them. He set him up at the train station. And he goes, I gotta look out for the future.
- [117:48]
Bill Burr
But because he wouldn't kill Benny, he showed that he actually had, you know, I don't know, it was considered soft.
- [117:56]
Paul Versi
He could have killed him.
- [117:58]
Bill Burr
Carlito, what are you doing? Come on, man, finish him.
- [118:01]
Whatever. I gotta see that again.
- [118:03]
Paul Versi
Yeah, it's a great movie.
- [118:06]
Bill Burr
I'm watching Ghost Dog right now with Forest Whitaker.
- [118:10]
Paul Versi
Oh, that's good, right?
- [118:11]
Bill Burr
It's a. It's a strange movie. It's like when Forest Whitaker's in it, you're like, this movie's gonna win an Oscar. And then when the other people are in, it's like some other, some of the other people, it's like, it's. It's a. The tone of the movie is a little off change. He is amazing.
- [118:27]
Paul Versi
He's a great actor. Dude, you just made me think of Jordan with two chains. When he had the two chains in the dunk contest. I mean.
- [118:36]
Bill Burr
Oh, I gotta. Can I tell a quick story?
- [118:37]
I gotta tell a quick story about my son.
- [118:40]
So my son is, is, is.
- [118:42]
He's in the big boy school now. He's not in pre K anymore, so.
- [118:45]
He goes to the big school.
- [118:46]
And he's all nervous about going to school and all of that stuff, you know, so he was a little emotional the first couple of days.
- [118:52]
So the teachers knew it. You know, he didn't like the big school.
- [118:55]
He wanted to go back to his little school.
- [118:57]
So when he showed up, they were doing that, you know, that high pitchy thing, talking to him. So he's walking in with this, you know, backpack on, and they're all going.
- [119:04]
Hey, buddy, how you doing? Oh, good to see you.
- [119:06]
Are you excited? Huh? You happy to be here? They're trying to do that. They go, you're happy to be here? And he doesn't even look at him. He just walks by him.
- [119:13]
He just goes.
- [119:17]
In the thumbs down, dude.
- [119:19]
Paul Versi
I told my wife right by him.
- [119:21]
Bill Burr
Didn'T say a word, dude. I had to look away.
- [119:24]
Paul Versi
I told my wife friends from the.
- [119:27]
Bill Burr
Little school and he was just like, hey. And then he just hung out with him, dude.
- [119:30]
Paul Versi
My wife. So I told my wife that story. She burst it out. She burst it out. I mean, that the thumbs down, it's almost mature. It's almost mature.
- [119:38]
Bill Burr
And it wasn't, it wasn't like malicious, David. It's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- [119:42]
How you doing?
- [119:42]
He's like, just walked in, dude. I was out. By the time I got back to the car, I was crying.
- [119:51]
I couldn't even get it out. And Nia just started laughing going, what? What? I. And I was going, I son, you're not complete.
- [119:58]
What? I.
- [119:58]
Son, just.
- [120:00]
And we laughed all through. All through breakfast.
- [120:04]
Paul Versi
How could you not? All right, you know what? Before I do my fourth and final pick, we got to talk about the BetMGM app and the first bet offer that they're given. Okay, guys, There's a great first bet offer for BetMGM. All you have to do is download the BetMGM sportsbook app, okay, to your device. You sign up and deposit $10, okay, into the account, place your first wager, and receive up to fifteen hundred dollars back in if your bet loses. Now, it's not fifteen hundred dollars cash, but it's fifteen hundred dollars you could play with. So read the fine print for the guidelines, but you will be able to play with 1500 dollars if that bet loses. Your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled. Guys, please bet responsibly. Have fun and listen, go with our picks. I got people coming to my comedy shows. I had a wife. I had a wife come to my comedy show. She walked up with her husband and she just goes, hey, we're here because you.
- [120:56]
Bill Burr
You.
- [120:56]
Paul Versi
You did really good by us in the football season.
- [121:01]
Bill Burr
It's like, oh my God, did she give you a tribute?
- [121:03]
Paul Versi
And I was give you a little.
- [121:04]
Bill Burr
Envelope of cash and oh, you've been crushing it for so many years. You got to have a receiving table sitting there.
- [121:15]
Paul Versi
Also, we got to do the first touchdown. Guys, you guys know how this works. You place any player, you pick any player to score touchdown of. Of any game. And if your player doesn't but scores the second, you get the entire stake back in cash, no opt in required. So you. You pick a player to get the first touchdown, and if they do, you win. And if they don't, you get your cash back if they get the second one. In fact, guys, for my fourth and final pick. Here we go. My fourth and final pick. You know, I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it. What you gonna. I. Dude, this Lions packers line is really messing with me, dude. It's really weird. It's a. It's a. And you always told me this from when we first met the.
- [122:03]
Bill Burr
The.
- [122:04]
Paul Versi
The. The same division, division rivals minus two and a half. Packers, Lions. The packers are home. They just got a big defense.
- [122:12]
Bill Burr
All this hype about the packers, you got this guy. Like the Lions didn't win the division last year. Acting like, you know.
- [122:23]
Paul Versi
I'm gonna do something stupid. Oh, Paulie's going in. I'm taking the Broncos. I'm going Broncos minus eight and a half, bro.
- [122:30]
Bill Burr
What the just happened?
- [122:31]
Paul Versi
I know, I know. I got two teams.
- [122:33]
Bill Burr
We just changed.
- [122:35]
Paul Versi
I got two. Here's the deal. You want to know why I hate to say this, and I'm sorry to any fans in Tennessee? The Titans stink and Denver's coming, and it's gonna be a bloodbath in Denver. I think this is a 17 point win.
- [122:50]
Bill Burr
Listen, Paul, it wouldn't be anything better if you didn't. If you didn't call one game this week a bloodbath. He's calling it early.
- [123:00]
Paul Versi
Oh, Bill, they're asking us. Jake the Snake asked, did you guys see the Cowboys doc on Netflix? No, Jake, I have not. But I heard that it actually really is. Like, somebody said not to go big, but this is what somebody said. It's the best doc they've seen since Last Dance. Not as good as Last Dance. Not as good as Last Dance. But the Jimmy Johnson part, how Jimmy Johnson's like, you can't practice.
- [123:25]
Bill Burr
Okay, I got a funny one for you.
- [123:26]
Yeah.
- [123:27]
My wife, you know, she'd been. She'd been picking, like, a lot of the stuff lately that we were watching. So she goes, all right. She goes, you know, that's why we're watching Ghost Dog now, because I wanted.
- [123:36]
To watch it, right?
- [123:37]
So she goes, all right, this is a. You know, this is your night. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's pick something. So we were like scrolling through and she goes, oh, look at. They got a thing behind the scenes, Cowboys thing, you know? You want to watch this? And I go, yeah, yeah, let's watch it. And she just watched the. Watched the trailer and Jimmy Johnson's screaming at his players and stuff.
- [123:58]
She goes, wow.
- [123:58]
She goes, that guy's like, really? That guy's really mean. Just laughing on it. I'll watch it. I'll watch that. I'll watch that on my own. Yeah.
- [124:08]
Oh, no. Oh, what happened?
- [124:11]
Jake the Snake
We lost Billy.
- [124:13]
Paul Versi
Oh. Right in the middle of the Jerry Jones thing.
- [124:16]
Jake the Snake
Ah, brutal.
- [124:17]
Paul Versi
He'll be back. He'll be back. Have you been watching it, though?
- [124:20]
Jake the Snake
So, yeah, I watched it. But I mean, what's funny is, like, it's kind of about Jerry, but Jerry Jones is like the least interesting part of the documentary. Like the most interesting parts. Like Michael Irvin, Jimmy Johnson.
- [124:31]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [124:31]
Jake the Snake
Emmett Smith, Troy. You know those guys. And then I think another thing I want to bring up that was like, really cool is like the footage of the games is like, it looks like they're playing them today. Like, if you show. If I show. If you showed those games, somebody you're like, was that last week? Like, it's like the footage of the game is like unbelievable. You see how hard they're hitting in that era of football. Incredible. And the urban stories are hilarious. And oh, there's Billy's back.
- [124:56]
Bill Burr
Sorry, Bill's back. I was saying, like me making her watch that, then it would be like, I gotta watch Real Housewives with her. I mean, I don't mind the Real Housewives of Jersey. I can sit through some of those. The guys in the show are funny.
- [125:10]
Jake the Snake
There's. There's a scene in the documentary that reminded me of you, bill. And the E.M. smith was going through the holdout or whatever. And I guess Barry Switzer was kind of tired of them asking about it constantly. And he turns to their report, he goes, it's like, do you guys have any, do you guys have any better to ask today? Or something like that would answer it if he was the coach. So anyway, it's a great watch.
- [125:34]
Paul Versi
Barry Switzer. Barry Switzer was a character, man. Yeah, he was funny dude.
- [125:40]
Bill Burr
Well, you know what it was, There was the same formula they took up. They took a big time college coach that like. Well, one of the guys, Jimmy put Miami on the map, but they caught up to whatever Oklahoma had been doing as far as like, hey, you want a new car, you want this, you whatever. Like back in the day, all of that, all of that fun shit, now it's all above board and everybody knows what the money was. I mean, I don't know, I think it was just more fun with the boosters and everything. But I think it was like two, like similar programs. Like, it's kind of amazing. He, I think he tried because he had such. Jerry Jones, had such good luck with Jimmy Johnson that he went back to the well. Like, I'm going to get like a really well respected, legendary. Like Barry Switzerland was a legend at Oklahoma. Yeah, he tried to do that twice. It was interesting to me that when he came on that he, he didn't pick a former NFL coach. Like we just picked up Brable, you know. You know, we can do it.
- [126:38]
Paul Versi
Yeah, yeah.
- [126:39]
Bill Burr
See, like he just picked these college guys, you know, and a lot of times those college guys come up and it doesn't go so well. And like, you know, it's a completely different deal, you know, as opposed to like, you know, with the booster money, as opposed to guys Already being millionaires, having a coach or so. Yeah, yeah.
- [127:00]
Paul Versi
I mean, I like how Jimmy I. I saw Coming like a trailer where Jimmy Johnson was like, yeah, we can't. Pratt, you can't practice the way we practice anymore. You can't do what we did in practice anymore. And I wanted to watch it, but. Bill, am I gonna watch it? No. And you want to know why I'm not gonna watch it? Because I'm too immature right now as a Giants fan to watch my Rivals movie. I don't. I can't do it. You know, I'll grow up, but I can't do it. I just.
- [127:22]
Bill Burr
I didn't watch any of that Lakers Celtic. No, I. I don't want to live through that again. I don't want to watch, like, how they downplay. They don't even bring up Len Bias dying. Like, that's what us. It wasn't the Lakers. Yeah, I'll give them 85, but it was just like, we had a number one draft pick, and that would have been the 87. 88. If we have, like, Len Bias. It's just. It was the worst thing. And what's funny is, like, you know, a lot of Laker fans don't give a. It's just like. Well, just imagine those games. Imagine. I'm not even saying we would have won. I'm just saying that. But Magic, Kareem Cooper, and all of those guys would have had to deal with that problem too, which would have been they would have had to take their greatness and go to an even another level. And then Larry, like, dude, Larry are like. When he decade got drafted, rest his soul, Larry immediately called him up and challenged him to a game of one on one. He was so amped up for it. And it's just. It's just one of the. There's a couple of things during that era that great things almost happened and then did Patriots beating Miami Dolphins in the Orange Bowl. So then you get Bills, you get the Patriots versus the Bears versus the Dolphins versus the Bears. And the Dolphins were the only team that beat the Bears that year. And it would have been like a chance for the Bears to avenge it. I brought that up a million times.
- [128:43]
Paul Versi
Wait, Bill, how come you probably know this more than me? Why are the Dallas Cowboys in the New York Giants NFC East Division? I never understood why a Texas team would be in the NFC East.
- [128:55]
Bill Burr
I don't know the answer to that.
- [128:56]
Paul Versi
Oh, yeah, I was talking about this.
- [128:58]
Jake the Snake
With some friends, too, but. And the NFC west used to have, like, the Saints and the Falcons. It was very bizarre. They switched it, like, relatively recently.
- [129:06]
Bill Burr
But, yeah, I guess probably that had to do with those teams that I think that had to do with, because they were both expansion franchises. Yeah, but the. The Dallas Cowboys were. Were. You know, that. That's an NFL team. I mean, they were expansion. I guess there goes that theory. I was just thinking, like, you know, sometimes, like, when leagues would merge, there'd be sort of these weird things. Like, I mean, I don't understand why Seattle went from the AFC to the NFC or the Milwaukee brewers all of a sudden went to the National League. I don't understand who. Why they make those moves, but.
- [129:45]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, happen with the Afros, too, dude.
- [129:48]
Paul Versi
One year, the Arizona Cardinals in the 90s were in the New York Giants division. The Arizona Cardinals were in the NFC east for a little. It did. I don't. I don't understand why they do that, but I think you're right, Bill.
- [129:57]
Bill Burr
I think I'll tell you why that is. Because they used to be the St. Louis Cardinals, and even then it didn't make sense that they were in the east, but they. They would go, like, you know, for. It's like that. The Tigers used to be in the AL East, Detroit before, when they had, like, two divisions. They. They had like, a real weird way that they set that up. But I will tell you, I will. I will look that up, because that's the kind of, like, sports nerd that I love.
- [130:26]
Paul Versi
Yeah, no, that's.
- [130:27]
Bill Burr
That's.
- [130:27]
Paul Versi
That's why I asked you, because I have no idea. There's no rhyme or reason. But we still have. Guess what we. What time it is right now.
- [130:33]
Bill Burr
Right. Oh, let the Monday Night Special win some money for you. That's a Monday Night Special.
- [130:42]
Paul Versi
It's good to. Oh, it's good to hear that. That means a B is in full effect. What do we got, Andrew? What is Monday Night Football looking like here?
- [130:49]
Bill Burr
How did he leave?
- [130:49]
Oh, there we go.
- [130:51]
Paul Versi
Oh, let's talk about division rivals. The Vikings and Bears in Chicago. One and a half. It's a pick them. It's basically a pick.
- [130:59]
Bill Burr
Basically a pick them. All right, what are we doing with quarterbacks here? Who do we got?
- [131:04]
Paul Versi
We have The Michigan quarterback, JJ.
- [131:08]
Jake the Snake
JJ McCarthy.
- [131:09]
Bill Burr
The mission.
- [131:11]
Paul Versi
First game ever as a Viking because he was their pick, and then he was hurt last year. So it's J.J. mcCarthy. We don't know anything about him, but they have the best wide receiver in football in Justin Jefferson or top two or three. And who's the quarterback for the Bears.
- [131:29]
Jake the Snake
Caleb Williams from usc.
- [131:31]
Paul Versi
Caleb Williams from usc, second year. Had a decent year last year.
- [131:36]
Jake the Snake
Took him first overall.
- [131:39]
Paul Versi
We can't take a rookie, never played in an NFL game, quarterback before, can we?
- [131:45]
Bill Burr
It's the Bears, dude.
- [131:51]
Paul Versi
It is the Bears.
- [131:53]
Bill Burr
I mean, at this point, if. If you're an NFL quarterback prospect and you get drafted by the Bears or the Browns, you gotta. It's like you're on a conveyor belt to a garbage bin. Like, they don't know how to. They don't know how to develop them. I'm not saying it's. It's. They even picked the wrong. They. They have picked some, you know, questionable people, but, like, I don't know what it is. It's like, you know, people, like, there's certain people to give them a plant that can't keep it alive. That's what, like the Bears and Browns are when it comes to quarterbacks. I don't know what it is. They can't protect them. They don't give him anybody to throw. There's nobody to hand off to. It's. You just. You're on an island country. Wait a minute, though.
- [132:37]
Paul Versi
The Vikings did just get Adam Thielen back, who was the number one receiver for the Panthers, and now he's on the other side of Justin Jefferson. All right, so let's do.
- [132:46]
Bill Burr
Just. Let's say Paul not knowing about this game, I automatically go, the Vikings are going to win that.
- [132:52]
Paul Versi
All right, let's take. Let's take Justin Jefferson to catch one touchdown. That's a definite.
- [132:58]
Jake the Snake
Okay, that's what I was going to suggest.
- [132:59]
Paul Versi
That's a definite. Or mind. What's that?
- [133:05]
Bill Burr
Andre Swift. Any relation to Taylor?
- [133:11]
No.
- [133:14]
Paul Versi
What do we got here? Players to score three touchdowns. That's not going to happen.
- [133:20]
Jake the Snake
You can combine that with the Vikings Moneyline. If you both like the Vikings.
- [133:27]
Paul Versi
You want to do Vikings money line.
- [133:29]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [133:30]
Paul Versi
Okay. Bill liked the Vikings from the gate. Let's do it. Justin Jefferson to catch one Vikings to win the game outright. And then we need one more.
- [133:38]
Jake the Snake
You like a total or how do you feel?
- [133:41]
Paul Versi
I don't like under overs. They bite us. They've bitten us too much.
- [133:45]
Bill Burr
What's the line on that guy? Coming back to the game to catch in the stands. To jump out of the stands and catch a field goal that goes through the uprights.
- [133:53]
Paul Versi
Oh, my God. How funny was that, dude?
- [133:55]
Bill Burr
Was that a Vikings game?
- [133:56]
Paul Versi
No, that was. That was a Giants game.
- [133:59]
Bill Burr
The Giants game. Oh, wow.
- [134:01]
Paul Versi
Dude. I just remember my roommate from Boston start crying, laughing, and I just saw A dude with a mullet fly out of the upper deck.
- [134:12]
Bill Burr
Dude, that's like the most. That's the most up thing.
- [134:19]
Paul Versi
Dude, that was unbelievable.
- [134:21]
Bill Burr
The only other thing that I saw was as crazy as that was this guy like reached to get a ball in like the upper deck and one of those old school cookie cutter things and he flipped over and started to fall. We've shown that clip. The guy was like 80s jacked and he was able with one hand and these.
- [134:40]
Dude.
- [134:40]
His friends pulled him back up. But dude, when I tell you he was at one point, his. His feet were at 12 o', clock, his head was at 6, he was hanging off the upper. He's going over the upper deck.
- [134:52]
Paul Versi
Oh my God.
- [134:54]
Bill Burr
Oh yeah. Dude, he was like, you know, like when a dog just gets like, you know, hyper focused on something. He just saw that ball and he forgot about gravity, his own well being, the whole thing.
- [135:05]
Paul Versi
Dude, it sounds like an action movie.
- [135:07]
Bill Burr
It was. Yeah.
- [135:10]
Paul Versi
All right, Jake, you know, we got Jake's take. What do you want? What do you want to do? Me and Bill took ours. What do you want to do?
- [135:18]
Jake the Snake
I was gonna suggest Justin Jefferson there. What are some Williams props. Any. What are his over under for? Like a passing touchdown. Maybe just take him to throw a passing touchdown, something.
- [135:30]
Paul Versi
Yeah, you know what you want to ease into? Ease into week one with just.
- [135:34]
Bill Burr
With.
- [135:35]
Paul Versi
Yeah, him to throw one, Justin Jefferson to catch one. And we think and the money line give. Give our people something simple. Week one.
- [135:44]
Bill Burr
Yeah, I just woke up.
- [135:45]
You know what I mean?
- [135:46]
Have a light breakfast. Yeah.
- [135:48]
Paul Versi
You know, go for a little 18 weeks there. Paul, you got 18. We go get some eggs, relax.
- [135:55]
Bill Burr
What are we doing here?
- [135:56]
Paul Versi
It's only week one. Just, you know, by the way, football tonight makes me very, very happy. The fact that I can sit down tonight, I don't have to work, but. But again, my luck, I gotta watch the Eagles and Cowboys. I can't win though. I can't win. Put the Raiders on the Rio Raiders. That's who I want to see tonight.
- [136:11]
Bill Burr
What are you thinking about Russell Wilson?
- [136:15]
Paul Versi
I think that if the Giants aren't.500 at Week 6, it's gonna go to Jackson Dart, our rookie. I think that's what I think. But I think he's gonna keep it stable. I think we'll be all right.
- [136:25]
Bill Burr
I don't understand that guy's career. The second he leaves Seattle, all of a sudden he hasn't been Russell Wilson. And I just don't believe that. What happened in Seattle was all their defense all Coaching his deep ball was the. One of the best deep balls in the league. I don't know, what if he get. Whatever's going on up here, he's got the yips. I don't know what it is, but, like, I don't know. I just feel like he's going to do well with you guys, but because you're more defensive minded, he doesn't have to put up all of these crazy numbers or whatever.
- [136:59]
Paul Versi
Well, he said him and his wife are happy now. He said him and him. Me and my wife are happy now. We're where we want to be. He did throw a moon ball, dude. He threw a bomb in preseason, and it looked like old Russell Wilson. And they said he's happy and stuff. We'll see what happens. But look, the Giants haven't had a guy like that, you know, since Eli's prime. And he. And he. And he's better than Eli. Oh, you know, as much as I hate to say say that, but yeah. Oh, he was always your guy.
- [137:23]
Bill Burr
You always love.
- [137:24]
Or the wife. Unbelievable.
- [137:29]
Paul Versi
I think you're. Here's the funniest part about that. I think you're shaking your head because you were gonna go, I've always loved Russell Wilson. You just go, the wife.
- [137:38]
Bill Burr
It's un believable.
- [137:40]
Paul Versi
It's. It's taken down.
- [137:41]
Bill Burr
Like there's 60, 000 people watching you. They paid for parking and all of that.
- [137:46]
And.
- [137:47]
And you're in the huddle going, like, how the can you say that to me? All right, what are we doing? It's like replaying the argument in his head.
- [137:56]
It's.
- [137:57]
Paul Versi
It's the only thing that could take down an empire.
- [138:00]
Bill Burr
They just.
- [138:00]
Paul Versi
They just can stop everything, you know.
- [138:02]
Bill Burr
Can you imagine the house that they live in? Can you just be cool for 18 weeks? We make the playoffs. I'm sorry, it's gonna go a little long.
- [138:12]
Paul Versi
You know what they are. You know what they are. I'm gonna tell you.
- [138:15]
Bill Burr
There we go.
- [138:16]
Paul Versi
Here's what they are.
- [138:17]
Bill Burr
What are they?
- [138:18]
Paul Versi
They're a phone call on the 12th hole of golf when you're having a great time and you're smoking a cigar and you're with your buddy and the cooler's back there, and you're even shooting well. And if you make parabogie on the next hole, you're right where you want to be. And then the phone call comes, what time you coming home? And just the face changes. If you go from this to. Hold on a second, hold on a second. And it. Double bogey. Over.
- [138:48]
Bill Burr
Wheels.
- [138:48]
Come on.
- [138:50]
Paul Versi
I'm three putting. I'm three.
- [138:52]
Bill Burr
And then you're upset when you come home, and then she plays the victim.
- [138:55]
I let you go out and play golf with your friends.
- [139:01]
No, you didn't. You let me play 12 holes.
- [139:04]
Paul Versi
I was two putting max before that text. Two putting max.
- [139:08]
Bill Burr
Send her a text during brunch after what she's doing.
- [139:13]
Paul Versi
Oh, dude. There you go. There you go. Nothing. Just having something when you're gonna be home. Not. I'll let you know. We don't need to end like this. We don't need to end like this.
- [139:25]
Bill Burr
Paul, you know, all the best in the air. I. I felt it. I felt there was something hanging there.
- [139:29]
Paul Versi
Paul, you know, Russell Wilson's wife is happy, so I think he might play better. That's how nuts it is.
- [139:37]
Jake the Snake
I can't believe you guys.
- [139:38]
Paul Versi
Here's the deal. Here's the deal. And no offense to Sierra, his wife, but, you know, when he was in Denver, she's like, it's nothing to do out here. Pick, pick.
- [139:49]
Bill Burr
I'm the biggest Russell Wilson fan ever, but you marry a woman named Sierra. She hasn't been told no a lot. If that's not a daddy's girl's name, forget about it. Wrong. But I'm seeing the Sweet 16 party with a brand new car with a bow on it. That's when I hear the name Sierra.
- [140:12]
Paul Versi
That's so. Yeah.
- [140:13]
Bill Burr
Or Sierra. There's a. There's a chance that her dad's in a white militia in Idaho. When you start getting those, you know, upper Midwest.
- [140:29]
Paul Versi
Yeah.
- [140:30]
Bill Burr
Out on the prairie names for kids.
- [140:32]
Paul Versi
And let's be honest. When your wife is Sierra, who was a pop star. A Sierra is not happy in Denver or. Or Pittsburgh. A Sierra is not happy in Denver. Sierra needs LA or New York. Can we be honest?
- [140:43]
Bill Burr
Sierra was going. You know when I used to play Mile High stadium when I was singing my fucking songs. Okay, we did a runner. The show was over. We got on the bus and we left.
- [140:56]
Paul Versi
And then he's forcing balls in because he doesn't care now. I think he'll be all right. There you go.
- [141:01]
Bill Burr
Now she's in New York. Paul, you got Fifth Avenue.
- [141:04]
Paul Versi
Oh, yeah.
- [141:05]
Bill Burr
You got Fifth Avenue. She's gonna. I think you know. No.
- [141:08]
Paul Versi
She showed up to Giants camp with their sunglasses, went up, hugged the coaches, laughing with the players. Russ looked relaxed. This could be cool.
- [141:16]
Bill Burr
She's happy, he's happy. All of a sudden, Russell controlled the deep ball again before touchdowns.
- [141:23]
Paul Versi
Tomorrow, Sunday. All right, everybody there you have it.
- [141:27]
Bill Burr
If he gets another trade that he has him like they can a mob like when a mobster like testifies with the lawyer. Right next. What are some of the teams you'd be willing to go for? He's like, hang on a second. Miami.
- [141:46]
Vegas.
- [141:49]
Paul Versi
It's like in Goodfellas when he went into the just nowhere cold. Okay. He's got asthma. If he's got asthma, remember look what.
- [141:55]
Bill Burr
Happened to Tom Brady. He went to Tampa and that was the end of it. I ain't going to Tampa. Am I gonna do down there? Go to a titty bar. Go to a Winn Dixie.
- [142:05]
Paul Versi
Oh, man, that's great. Well, what a great first episode this one. That's why this is the best podcast. This was the best. And that's why we're going to beat.
- [142:13]
Bill Burr
Everybody these people some money again this year. Paul.
- [142:16]
Paul Versi
There you go, guys. Our Monday night special is Justin Jefferson to catch one, Caleb Williams to throw one and the Minnesota Vikings money line. You have my picks, you have Bill's picks. Enjoy week one, guys.
- [142:30]
Bill Burr
In New York. And she's happy. Yeah.
- [142:32]
Paul Versi
Is in New York. So let's go Giants. Those six points are looking good, guys. Don't forget the first touchdown thing. You pick any player to get a first touchdown and you win. And if that player doesn't get a first touchdown but in fact gets the second touchdown, you get your cash back. And if you put in you download our app, the bet MGM app and you use our code. Our code burr. It's always been Burr. Very easy. B u r r you put that in 10 bucks and once that very easy.
- [143:02]
Bill Burr
Unlike the man himself.
- [143:06]
Paul Versi
If you lose that bet, you'll get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets. Not cash but bets to to play play with the money to to bet more. And there you go. Bet responsibly. Enjoy week one and we will see you guys next week.
- [143:29]
Bill Burr
Sa.