← Monday Morning Podcast
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- [00:02]
A
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 6, 2026. Six six six. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Jesus. I'm recording at 5:29 in the morning Monday morning. Living up to the name of the podcast.
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B
I got a bunch of to do today.
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A
What?
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B
What else is new? What else is new?
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A
Did you have a good weekend, huh? Did you not watch the news so
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B
you could maybe just chill for a second? This nitwit. Anyway, I went to a buddy's 60th
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A
birthday party on Saturday night.
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B
As they say in Boston, Saturday, Friday, say, or sad. D, why don't you come by on Saturday? We'll throw it in the back of your truck. All right? Unbelievable, dude. 60 years old. I remember, it's a comedian. I opened for him in 1993 was when I first worked with him. I was 25 and he was 27. Just like, what the. How did this happen? It was funny. He goes, you might want to Uber over. He goes, it's going to be a zoo over here. And like, I'm just thinking it's going to be a rager, right?
- [01:49]
A
And I go over there and it was a bunch of adults. It's like, dude, we're like late 50s, 60s. What is a rager? We stay up till 10:01.
- [02:03]
B
But anyway, I had a great time at the party. Ran into some people that I hadn't seen in a long time. And I was talking with this. Yeah, I'm gonna name names here, but I was talking to somebody about the first time I opened for this dude. And we were working in this Chinese restaurant in Worcester, Massachusetts, called the Yaku aku. And the headliner had a. A video camera, like, literally with like the VHS tape in it. So it was like, looked like he was doing the local news and he was filming the crowd coming in for the late show. This is like when you could, like, still smoke inside in, like, nightclubs. And by the third show, like, you. I don't think there was three shows there. You know, whatever. Towards the end of the second show, like, your eyes were burning like you fought a fire. It was ridiculous. I remember I had like a smoker's cough. And I started realizing that when I came home, I needed to take a shower before I went to bed. So anyway, he was filming all of these people coming in and just on all of them going, look at that guy. Jesus Christ. Animals was a Dick Doherty gig. And I remember just laughing my ass off. Just thinking, like, how this guy just didn't give a. Because some people were sort of picking up on that. He was like trashing them. And then like, oh, fuck, yeah, sorry.
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A
Like a fucking half hour later he
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B
was gonna be on stage in front of him and they could like heckle him back and he just didn't give a shit. Yeah, I think he was living in New York by then. I don't know how I remember all this. And he had a Volkswagen Jetta. Not a Jetta. Was that what it was? He had. He had the four door sedan. That's what I do remember. And there was this guy, this other guy we used to work for, and he would always. I think I told this story before. He would always. He would never have the money. He would owe you like 35 bucks and you'd have to make seven trips to his house in Boston to get all the money. It was like, big guy, big guy, big guy, big guy. I can give you like seven bucks. I can give you like seven bucks, like on 35. Big guy, big guy. That's what he used to say. Oh, big guy, right? So one time this dude was coming up from New York and he was opening for the guy. Before he goes on stage, he says to the guy who never has any money, he goes, ah, dude. He goes, I forgot my watch. Can I, can I borrow your watch? You know, I do my set. You know, this guy who had no money had a nice watch though, right? So he lets my buddy borrow the watch. He goes up on stage, does his set. The second he gets off stage, he just jumps in his car and leaves and drives all the way back to New York. So the next day, the guy who never has any money called him up. He goes, hey, big guy, big guy. He goes, you got my watch? And this dude goes, yeah. He goes, do you got my check? The dude with no money just goes, oh, big guy.
- [05:51]
A
Anyway, and that was like, I don't know, over 30 years ago. You better, you better Uber. It's going to be a zoo. So funny. That's the thing about it. Like, I still feel like I'm 25. I don't feel like I'm.
- [06:09]
B
I'm old or whatever. And you just kind of forget, oh, yeah, man, it's going to be a rager. It's going to be a zoo.
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A
We're going to be going crazy. I went there, had no alcohol.
- [06:19]
B
I had a glass of water and I stayed for like an hour. And I was like, all right, I
- [06:24]
A
got to get home to the Kids, that's what a raging party is like at my age. So, anyway, anyway, I want to thank
- [06:37]
B
everybody that watched, that watched my live podcast that I did with the great
- [06:44]
A
Andrew Themelis at South by Southwest.
- [06:49]
B
Came out on Monday and got great feedback from you guys. I really appreciate it. I wish there was a way with the venue. They could have miked the crowd better. The crowd was not as quiet as some people were suggesting, and I think the combination of that and me teasing the crowd because I was being a lunatic, and they actually were a little more liberal, so they kind of pulled back in different areas. It was a great time.
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A
So, anyway, I anticipate yawning like this.
- [07:25]
B
I really apologize, man, but I, I. What am I gonna do? I got a bunch of to do today, and this is the only. I was gonna record it last night, but I just felt like my brain was tired, you know, I just didn't feel like.
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A
I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel safe to do it, you know?
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B
Anyway, but as I mentioned, my tours has got gotten going again. So I'm in Durham, North Carolina, this week, and April 8th, I got two shows. Really looking forward to that.
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A
And
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B
I got Atlantic City later on this month. We have the Patrice o'. Neill.
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Oh, Billy is back out on the fucking road. I got the Patrice O' Neill comedy benefit on
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B
Tuesday, April 28. Still a few tickets left for that thing. And. And then when we get into April, I got a nice run at one of my favorite theaters in the country, the tabernacle. I'm playing three nights there, May 12th through the 14th. Looking forward to that, too. So that's kind of like what I'm gonna do on this tour is rather than playing one giant show, I'm gonna play, like, these theaters that I miss. Going to, like, do three shows there instead, so I can actually maybe like, unpack and enjoy the city.
- [09:05]
A
That's the funny thing, you know, when
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B
you, when you're first coming up, you used to do shows Tuesday through Sunday, and you just felt like you were there forever, you know, Two Friday, three Saturday. And then you start thinking like, oh, man, I can't wait to just do, like one big show, get in and get out, and then you do that, and then you're like, ah. But I didn't even get a chance to go to this place. I didn't get a chance to go to that place. I didn't get a chance to play my favorite place or whatever. So I kind of found the happy medium. I don't have to do Tuesday through Sunday, but I can do like three days at a really nice theater. You know, I don't have to pay to rent some giant place. People get a better show, they're closer to you. So I think it just all works out for everybody. But I kind of missed like, you know, just like wherever the, like being in Chicago, you know, last few times I did Chicago, just like one big show, it came in and I left. And I have all of these places that I like to eat at, get coffee, you know, and baseball season, maybe they got a day game, I could go to Wrigley or something like that. And all of a sudden you just don't do that anymore. And it just becomes airplane, hotel venue, back to hotel, back to airport, and then you go home. So I don't know. I'm going to try it this way. We'll see, we'll see how this works out.
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A
But anywho.
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B
Oh, Billy's back in the gym. I got my birthday coming up in June, so I got like my last like 5, 7 pounds of COVID weight to get rid of, so. Oh my God. Back in the gym. Back. Oh, Billy's back in the goddamn gym. And just been working my ass off on a bunch of. So I've missed this entire NCAA tournament. Everybody's been telling me how crazy it is. That Yukon Duke game, I missed that. I haven't been watching the Bruins. I haven't been doing anything. If I'm not working, I'm playing with my kids. So,
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A
you know, one of the advantages
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B
of climate change, you know, is you can go in the pool and march now. Yeah, it is, it is insane. Oh. So the big rumor this past week was our Fuhrer had gone to the hospital. They're saying that he didn't. What do you think if you had to bet that a 79 year old guy who evidently eats McDonald's every day,
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A
Maybe he had to swing by and get a checkup? I think so. But you don't have to worry.
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B
You don't have to worry. Guys like him live forever.
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Rupert Murdoch, I just keep going. All those Mr. Burns types, people, they live forever.
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The Queen of England, Rose Kennedy, they
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live to be like 106, 105, you know, then some salt of the earth guy give you the shirt off his back, you know, just dies in his 40s. It's how it works. I don't know why that's how it works, but that's how it works. I think the. Maybe it's the fear of the afterlife. If there really is somebody that's going to judge you if you live the life like some of those people I just mentioned,
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you know, maybe. I don't know, maybe the fear of
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A
that, I don't know. It doesn't make any sense, though. Doesn't make any sense that you could be eating McDonald's every day. I wonder if, like, I wonder what. What Trump thinks about Super Size Me. Does he just laugh at that guy? That guy died. He died. The guy who made that. He ate fucking McDonald's for 30 days in a row, and he died. Trump has been eating every fucking day, evidently, his entire adult life. I did a bit about that. That was my favorite clip I ever saw of him, was when he got behind the counter at McDonald's. It was the first time I ever saw any life in his face. And he actually looked, like, human. And he had, like, some sort of, like, fondness or like, affection in his eyes. That's when he went over to the fryer later. He was like, this is where they make it, People hug your kids, tell you. You tell. Tell them that you love them. Tell them that you'll always be there for them. Make them feel secure and safe, because if you don't, the rest of the world is going to have to deal with them.
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B
Oh, my God. Speaking of that, either this hilarious back and forth with my son, right? So I was reading this book.
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A
Oh, yeah.
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B
Oh, Billy's been reading. I was reading this book, and I literally could not put it down. And it was one of them who done it's there. And my lovely wife comes into the room, and she goes, do you mind if I put on the tv? And I'm like, no, no, go ahead. So she puts on the tv, and it was just something that was a little too distracting. So I said, yeah, just watch a show. I'll go in. I'll go in our son's room and I'll just. Because he was downstairs, right? So I laid on his bed and I was reading the book, and he came in and he had his Easter candy, and we already told him he couldn't have any more. And, you know, you remember when you were a kid and you had, like, your Easter candy. It was just, like, was the greatest thing ever. And you listen. So he walked in and he was so locked in on his Easter candy that he didn't see me laying there. So he goes to take a piece, and he starts to open it, and I sat up in the bed, and I startled him because I thought he had seen me. And I was like, is he really just going to eat this candy right in front of me? So I sat up and looked at him, and then he quickly tried to cover and he goes, oh, I was just fixing this. I was just acting like he was fixing the piece of candy. So I go, fixing what? What were you fixing? He goes, he's like, nothing. He goes, I was just fixing it.
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I go, no, you weren't. I go, you were going to have
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a piece of candy. I go, don't lie to me. And he goes, he goes, I'm not lying.
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A
I go, yeah, you are. And I go, look at me, look at me. And he literally is taking his face and he's trying to stop himself from smiling.
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B
And I go, look me in the
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eye and tell me you weren't trying to eat a piece of candy.
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B
And he's like laughing, and I'm going,
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dude, don't lie to me. I go, I don't care if that's
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what you were doing.
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Just don't.
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Don't lie to me. And then he goes, I wasn't, I wasn't.
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I go, dude, tell me the truth. And he literally put his face down on the bed.
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And he goes, I wasn't. He goes, I was fixing something. I said.
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I go, it's okay if you were doing that.
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I don't care. Just don't lie to me.
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I go, were you trying to. You were going to eat a piece of candy, right? And he lifts his face up, his mouth is still like in the covers, and he just kind of looks at me with like, his eyes, just goes,
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all right, I was eating a piece of candy. So I said, give me your hand. And I shook his hand. I said, there. Thank you for telling me the truth.
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All right?
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Like, I don't care if. If you make mistakes and everything. I've made every mistake in the book. Just don't lie to me, all right? He's like, all right. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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A
I'm fixing it.
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Kid is hilarious. We were playing, we do play this game on drums, me and my kids, called Copycat.
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And
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my daughter's good at it in that, you know, she copies what I do. And then when she wants me to copy her, she doesn't. She doesn't play like a three minute phrase like my son does. She'll just play like a beat or something like that. And then I gotta play in a fill and I have to play it back, right? My son gets up there and. And, you know, does like a drum solo. Remember like, when you used to place that Simon game, that game where you had it, like, press the. It's like that. And by the end, it's going, like 50 miles an hour, and you just can't remember. That's what he does. So then when I go to play it back, I, of course, mess it up. And then he stops me.
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A
He's like, nope, nope, nope. Like, dude, play something shorter. Dad can't remember a minute of. And it's also like, you know, because
- [18:57]
B
he's five years old, like, what he's doing is completely unique. He doesn't have anybody else's sort of drumming or in his head. So, like, it's just his own way of approaching it. But I will say he went down there the other day and, like, he just played. To speak. He just played boom. Get. Was. It was boom. Yeah, Boom. That boom, boom. And he was just stomping his foot on the bass drum and just slamming down on the snare. I just love how he plays. He already looks cooler than I do. Not saying I look cool, but you know what I mean? He already looks. He looks better. He looks like he knows what he's doing. And so, you know, because he's really been about sports and riding his bike, and he hasn't been doing the Angus impression lately. So after he played drums, he goes, dad, I want to play my guitar. So I got a little travel guitar for him. And he goes back into the house and I plug it into the amp. You know, he can't play or anything, but, like, he's pretending to play, and he's. He has his head back and his eyes are closed,
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like he's feeling the music.
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And it's just like. I'm telling you, if he sticks with
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it,
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I think he's going to be really good. I don't know. And then my daughter has, like, a completely, like, different approach. Like, she can actually play a beat now. She can play like that. Phil Rudd. Bone Dad. Boom, dad. She can play that now and then go into a fill. I don't know. It's really, really cool. Anyway, I'm babbling here. Let me. Let me do the reads here for the week. All right. Who is it here? Oh, by the way, You know. You know when you see, like, a bad Santa, like, when you go to the mall and you just see somebody in the suit, they're much better about it now. But, like, back in the day, like, you're just, like, really, you know, Are
- [21:08]
A
you trying to expose the lie?
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B
I know. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't know. Like, I remember we went to the mall one time, me and all my siblings, to get the family picture. At that point, half of us knew and half the other half didn't know. We showed up, and they. They had a girl, like, a teenage, like, girl in. In a Santa suit. He's trying to, like, to lower her voice. It's just like, dude, what the. So anyway, but there's. There's a lot of good Santas, though. There's, like, guys, like, committed to being Santa. And they actually have their own beard. Long white beard. Like, you can find that. But I will tell you this, dude, the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny costumes, and they don't. They don't even try. We were at the mall, and I saw this. First of all, the rabbit was, like, emaciated.
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A
Like, I don't know who the hell
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B
was in there, but how high their metabolism was. But, like, you ever hear that. That expression that. That rabbit starvation? Like, there's something about rabbit meat. Like, it's so lean that if. If you only ate that, you wouldn't get, like, the. The cholesterol, that.
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A
The good cholesterol that you needed.
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B
You. I never really understood that until I saw this person at the mall in this rabbit costume. And it was just the rattiest. The person in the suit looked like they.
- [22:51]
A
They were like, 5, 10.
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B
And they looked like they weighed about, I don't know, like, 117 pounds. And then, like, the rabbit face was just, like, flat. Like someone took a frying pan and hit him in the face. Like, there was no, like, snout or anything. It looked like somebody drew a picture of a rabbit on a plate, except it was the. The head that they had on, and
- [23:18]
A
they just walk it around, and it's like, dude, you know, it's bad enough. Like, I want to know who the fuck came up with these stupid stories and all of this shit. I will say that me and Nia, we.
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B
We barely participate in these.
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A
These stupid fucking. We do Santa.
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B
That's it.
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A
You know, we kind of do the
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Tooth Fairy, but we don't. We don't do this fucking Easter Bunny shit.
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A
I really think, you know, it's. It's going to go away, which means
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B
it'll become, like a hipster thing to do. You dress like a dad in the 1950s and you just, I don't know, continue to spread the lie of this fucking story. I mean, it's right up there with the George Washington.
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A
I cannot tell a lie. I was the one who chopped down the cherry tree that was political propaganda in the 1700s. Like, that's how weak you could come with it. I cannot tell a lie. I was trying to eat my Easter candy
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B
anyway. I'm trying to think if I ever saw a good. If I ever saw a good Easter bunny costume, I. I honestly don't think I have, Like, in defense of the people at the mall, like, I don't even think they make a good costume. I mean, at least Santa Claus is a person. You know, giant rabbit just like walking around with like feet and arms.
- [25:14]
A
I mean, like people feet. He doesn't have like the legs, the
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B
person, they don't hop. They're just walking around 117 pounds with the frying pan to the face anyway. All right, but we get it. We get it. I know. That's just like the. That I see. And then I'm looking at my son going, and he's looking at it and I see the look on his face like, what the is that? And then what I. Then, then here come the questions. And I'm sitting there telling him not to lie about his candy, and I'm sitting there lying about a giant person in a rabbit suit that this is a rabbit and it's coming to all of our houses to give us eggs. All right, let's do the reads here.
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Hymns.
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- [26:09]
A
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- [32:59]
B
Jesus Christ.
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A
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- [33:06]
B
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A
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- [33:51]
B
Those fucking lights that weed dealers have
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A
when they're growing their weed, man.
- [33:57]
B
The cops show up and just find a bunch of lemon trees. Sorry, man. Like what? You know I like to make a nice tart pie. Officer, I don't know what to tell you.
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- [34:59]
A
Are we going back into Simply Safe? Did I already read this? No, I read squarespace. Ah, Jesus. Okay, Simply Safe. This is the last one. Fucking hell. All right, Simply Safe, everybody. Look, we all want to feel safe at home. But for a long time, home security has meant expensive monthly payments and ironclad contracts that locked you in for years. You know what? That's why I choose Simplisafe. Because they offer a better way. It's comprehensive protection. Sensors, cameras, 24. 7 monitoring, but on your terms. Easy to get secured, easily customized and a system that's right for your home@simplisafe.com and it ships to your door in a few days. With app guided setup and no drilling drilling required. You can install and arm your system in under an hour. No need to wait around for a technician appointment. Comprehensive protection. It's not just a camera, it's comprehensive. It's a comprehensive ecosystem of sensors, cameras for inside and out and 24. 7 professional monitoring. In the event of a break in or a flash, fire or flood, Simplisafe agents are ready to take action. No long term contracts. No lock ins or hidden fees. Hidden cancellation fees. Simply Safe earns your business by keeping you safe, not by trapping you in your contract. Proven trust.
- [36:28]
B
Jesus Christ.
- [36:29]
A
Over 5 million. You already sold it, dude. Over 5 million people trust SimpliSafe every day and US news and world Report ranked them the best home security system of 2026. Already. I want you to exterity wrapped it up. I want you to experience the same peace of mind I do, which is why I've partnered with Simplisafe to offer exclusive discounts to my listeners. Right now you get 50% off your new system. 50% off by visiting simplisafe.com bird that's half off@simplisafe.com bird there's no safe like Simplisafe. Momentous everybody. You know, when people talk about energy, recovering and performance, they usually jump straight to training, protein or supplement. But one of the most overlooked pieces is gut health. That is where momentous fiber comes in. Dude, you can be shitting your brains out. Momentous Fiber plus addresses one of the most overlooked foundations of long term performance and that is gut health. Fiber is not just about digestion. It's a key driver of gut health which directly impacts nutrient absorption, energy stability, recovery focus, mood and overall performance. That's why Momentous believes in a relentless commitment to fundamentals and and doing them differently than they have ever been done before. Fiber plus is built to support the entire gut health process, not just one piece of this. Momentous Fiber plus is a complete 3 in 1 formula with soluble fiber, insoluble fiber and prebiotic research resistant starch. This combination is designed to support your gut health from start to finish by feeding beneficial gut bacteria, improving digestion and help stabilizing blood sugar or steady energy without spikes or crashes. Right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code BURR. Head to livemomentous.com and use promo code BURR for up to 35% off your 1st order. That's live. Momentous. L I V E M O M E N t o u s.com promo code burr all right. Simply safe. If you're like me, I hope you're not. You're desensitized to dozens of notifications on your phone each day. But if the that latest ping is from your security camera, ignoring it could spell disaster. Picture this. Somebody's breaking in that piece of shit. But you're giving a huge presentation at work. You got your fucking little flashlight. You're pointing at a squeegee board, whatever the fuck you call those things, those, those erasable boards. You know, you're at the movies, you're on a flight at 30,000ft. You'll see the footage in a couple hours, but by then it's too late. They Took your headphones and your fucking, I don't know, your underwears. That's why I choose Simply Safe. Simply Safe is customizable whole home security system backed by 24, seven monitoring agents. I can rely on to act even when I can't. Traditional security systems only act after someone has broken into the house. Hey, bring that back. That's too late. Simply Safe's active guard outdoor protection can help break ins before they happen. While other security companies lock you in. Simply Safe comes with no long term contract. They'll earn your trust every day by keeping you safe and satisfied. They are so confident in the protection they provide they even back it with an anti theft guarantee. I'm not the only one. Simply Safe protects over 4 million every day. They have 20 years of experience at home security. Right now my listeners can get 50 off a new system by visiting simplisafe.com that's simplisafe.com Burr, there's no safe like Simplisafe,
- [40:09]
B
okay?
- [40:12]
A
That's also why you can't whack a CEO without getting caught. There's fucking cameras everywhere. Speaking of which. All right, this person is writing in. I was talking about how I went to get a cup of coffee and
- [40:24]
B
they wanted to scan my ID in Utah.
- [40:26]
A
This is after all these red state people trash in California going, it's like communist Russia. So this guy says ID scanned in Los Angeles. Hi Bill. After your rant about Utah and getting your ID scanned at every place you went to, including a coffee shop. I was shopping at Ralph's in Studio City near the In N out, grabbed a couple of bottles of wine and the woman asked to see my id. Of course she takes the scanning gun out, turns my ID around. I said hey, what are you doing? She says I'm scanning your ID. I say can't you tell them over 21 or put my age into the system? Confirming 20. She says no, and if you don't like it, don't buy the alcohol. This never happened to me at my local Mid City Ralph's. They usually just look at it and hand it back to you. I guess Los Angeles is not far behind Utah.
- [41:18]
B
Haha.
- [41:20]
A
No, Utah is ahead of us because I was just getting a cup of coffee at 7:30 in the morning but because they sold alcohol there at night they were still, they still had to scan my id. I went to get a fucking cheeseburger at a fucking restaurant, I'm not ordering alcohol and they still wanted to scan my driver's license. So no, it's not as Bad. And furthermore, people in California don't go, dude, what the fuck's with fucking Utah? What's with these red states? If I'm saying how everybody trashes California that lives in these, these so called freer states. You know my favorite, the no state sales tax. There's no state sales tax. Yeah, but somehow they're still running the state on a state level. I guess everyone's working for free. Or maybe there's a bunch of hidden taxes in other places. They're going to get the money from you, they're going to get the money from me. The only way no state tax, income tax works, I should say, is if you're making a load of money, then you win. But if you're moving there because you're living week to week, they're still going to take it out of your check in a different way. You know, buying gas or whatever, it's just going to be higher.
- [42:44]
B
You can't.
- [42:45]
A
Running a fucking state and paving the roads and everything costs money. So yeah, by the way, that does not surprise me. When I saw it being done in Utah, I knew, well, eventually that's going to happen in my state. It's going to be everywhere. Eventually. They're going to have border checks at the state fucking level. They're going to do all of this while red tie people continue to yell at blue tie people and vice versa because they got us all yelling at each other rather than working together. Wondering why these politicians keep turning this fucking country more and more into a giant police state. Like at what fucking point? At what fucking point they can read all your emails, listen to your phone calls list, read your text messages with no warning. They can do any just because they suspect. Blah, blah, blah, blah. They're tracking everything you do on online. My favorite thing when people go online, I was in incognito mode. Oh, were you
- [43:53]
B
idiots?
- [43:54]
A
Yeah, so that's my thing about all of these, these, these, these people that live in, you know, the states that aren't on the coast. So the, the, the cunts that live along the oceans for whatever reason think they're smarter than people that don't live near an ocean. I don't know what it is about living near an ocean, but people think it automatically makes them smarter. All right? And then people live in the middle of the country, they think they're freer, you know, because they got to, they have guns, they have property, they got, you know, they can do whatever the fuck they then, you know, and they, they present this utopia. We could do whatever the fuck we want out here? It's not like that commie pinko California. And then you go out there and it's a police state. That was my point. That was my point. And liberals don't drive around with bumper stickers saying these colors don't run. You can pry my gun from my cold, dead fingers and talk all this like, yeah, dude, bring it. Come at me. They, they, they have brought it. It has been brought in, as it said in that movie. And you didn't do anything about it because they had you too busy staring at, you know, blaming black people, Latinos, China, Venezuela. And they came right in and they know what you're doing, where you're going at all times. And now when you finally decide to rebel, they don't even have to send anybody there. They'll just send a fucking drone. Just a bunch of drones, and they won't lose one. Anybody comes over here, I'm taking like 20 of them with me. 20 what? Drones from Radio Shack. They don't give a fuck. Your tax money is paying for the drones that are going to come and take you out. They won. They did it. Get ready for the robots. All right. With that uplifting statement. Sorry, that was even almost too dark for me. I think we're going to turn it around. Turn around every now and then. If we all just tip over one of those robots that's fucking going down the street when we just start pushing those things over, just tipping them over. By the way, you know those Waymo cars? I heard that's like getting into a microwave. You might want to read up on the health risks of climbing into a giant cell phone with four wheels. Like, what's wrong with, I guess Uber? Because Uber does no background checks. I don't fucking know. What do you want to do? Risk being sexually assaulted or cook your brain in a microwave? This is the future, everybody. All right? Corporate greed. Hey, Billy. Ginger Snap. Want to tell a story about how corporate greed is unfolding these days?
- [46:44]
B
Oh, Jesus.
- [46:46]
A
Can we do a thing where you have to write in an uplift? An uplifting story. Let's have a few of those. Like the local news. What I still love about the local news is they will do an uplifting story. Like, I was watching the local news and it was the usual shit. And then they go to the stupid meteorologist who has a gag order. They can't bring up global warming. Just every fucking. Every forecast. Record highs. Get off those swimsuits. Right? And then. But they ended the story with the local news lady, like The Harlem Globetrotters were coming to town. She went down and talked about the history. They're 100 years old. And then she went down and tried to do some of the tricks or whatever. And it was a nice, you know, a nice ending. You're like, oh, good, clean, fun. Harlem Globetrotters.
- [47:32]
B
Nobody's hurting anybody.
- [47:33]
A
She went down, she had a good time. This is something you can bring your kids to. You got to have that every once
- [47:38]
B
in a while, right?
- [47:40]
A
Anyway, the last company I worked. So maybe we could have a feel good story
- [47:47]
B
of the week.
- [47:47]
A
All right. The last company I worked for had some awful stories about the greed of the leadership team. But this story is the absolute worst.
- [47:59]
B
All right?
- [47:59]
A
I had a member of my team that worked for the company for over five years. She was a great producer who always hit her numbers. I just love how cold that's that sentence is. She was a great producer who always hit her numbers. Is she producing? Is she ascending to the number that we. That we need to generate a positive spreadsheet for this quarter. Whatever the fuck, however the hell they talk. One day she woke up and her husband was lying dead next to her.
- [48:35]
B
Oh my God.
- [48:36]
A
He passed away in his sleep. When I heard the news, I wanted to show her support in any way I could. I spoke to my supervisor and was told that we could not send her flowers as the leadership team was trying to meet their quarterly budget. Keep in mind, this was a global company that made close to 300 million in profit that year.
- [49:02]
B
Dude, what the fuck?
- [49:04]
A
This is also a company that on every leadership meeting, the CEO and the VPs call the team family. Of course, the worst part was the next month, the area VP posted pictures from her leadership retreat on LinkedIn. So do you say that the pictures were of senior leaders drinking on a beach and eating at a fancy steakhouse? It's just extremely sad. To hardworking people treated like nothing. These large companies. P.S. i did center flowers on my own. All the best to you and your family. Well, there's the feel good story. This person's a good person. Yeah, if you're a college age kid.
- [49:49]
B
I am. You know, I don't know.
- [49:52]
A
I mean, I think maybe that's the way to stop these corporations.
- [49:55]
B
If they just boycotted working for them, but then like they own so much of the job market, how could you even do that?
- [50:02]
A
Or maybe you work your way up
- [50:04]
B
the corporate ladder and try to turn around the culture. I have no idea. But I do know that,
- [50:12]
A
that things
- [50:13]
B
can change for the better, but it takes regular people to do it. But Jesus fuck, how fucking heartless can you be?
- [50:24]
A
And you know, what do you know, it works with corporations, or at least it used to was shame. Like if you somehow, you know, ratted
- [50:34]
B
them out for doing that.
- [50:38]
A
It's not even shame. It's. They don't, they don't feel shame. What it is is they're like, oh, other people will be upset by this and they won't buy our products, so we'll lose money. That's the only thing that they understand is losing money. But I will say I. The way that these corporations operate and the way that politicians operate and anybody at that level, people in like organizations
- [51:10]
B
like the CIA and kgb, Mossad and
- [51:13]
A
all of these things, like the way that those people operate and the things that they do and the level of top secret files that they have access
- [51:26]
B
to, the information that they have access to, it makes me not believe in a higher power. It makes me believe like it's all made up.
- [51:34]
A
Not saying that there isn't a higher power, but like religions were just all
- [51:37]
B
made up to control people.
- [51:38]
A
Because those people it, that I just mentioned, none of them are living a life like they are even remotely worried about going to hell for the rest of their. For eternity or being judged. They, they, they don't
- [51:55]
B
even remotely.
- [51:56]
A
You know, if what was going on down Epstein island was going on and then it's making it to the front page of the news. So then we bombed Iran. If that really happened to get that off. This is what these people are doing. You know, they have access. They have to have access behind all of these religions, how they started. And that has to all be bullshit. You know, I just don't buy into this thing. Oh, they're listening to the devil. They chose the devil. It's like, no, like all of those people, they have so much money. Like, what else do you. You don't need to work anymore. Why are you still doing this to other people? Why wouldn't you just be like, why wouldn't you just be a good shit, you know, you made your billion dollars. You stepped on everybody's nuts on the way up now. Like fucking. You can't just be cool now. I have to have 2 billion. I have to have a hot air balloon. I got to shoot off rockets. I know, it's fucking weird. They're bizarre people. Anyway, NHL, the Gold plan. Hey, Billiam Wallace. Oh, by the way, I'm going to be going to a the Carolina Hurricanes Boston Bruins game. That will be my final professional sports franchise that I needed to see a home game of. I've. I've seen them all. Although I will. I do want to check out an Oakland A's game in Sacramento. And I think that's it. Then I'm done. And then now I'm off to the cfl. And if you think I'm joking, I got some Canadian dates later on this year. I got to have. It's good clean fun. I'm not womanizing. I'm not doing drugs, all right? I'm being a good guy. So I go out there and I just fucking go to the bread and circus, all right? Hey, Billiam Wallace. There's been talk over the last few years in the NHL about instituting a new draft lottery system to determine which team gets the highest draft picks. It's been referred to as the Gold Plan. I already don't like this. This feels like a way to manipulate draft picks. Where they're going to what cities, like the NBA does. I mean, how ridiculous was it? Dallas trading that superstar to the Lakers for nothing.
- [54:27]
B
And then the next year, then the
- [54:28]
A
Dallas Mavericks get the first pick. The NBA is filthy. It's filthy. And David Stern was fucking filthy. That guy was a fucking gangster. Fucking gangster. It's been referred to as the Gold plan. I added a link to an article explaining it more in depth below. The gist of it is that as soon as a team gets mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, the points they get from wins and OT losses starts counting towards their draft spot. Oh, they're going the other way. The team with the most points after being eliminated is awarded the first overall pick. Wow, look at this. See, I told you. I say, I said it a minute ago. Where things can get better here. I was not four sentences ago going, here we go. The NHL is going to be just like the filthy NBA. I went pessimistic. The old Christmas light went out and old freckles lie. Eyes. And look at this. I want to apologize to the NHL and my snap judgment from less than
- [55:42]
B
a minute and a half ago.
- [55:43]
A
I was 100% wrong.
- [55:45]
B
Please forgive me.
- [55:47]
A
So this is going to prevent teams from diving, not diving, from tanking. Sorry, the wrong. The team with the most points after being eliminated is awarded the first overall pick. The worst teams are still massively favored because they can start racking up points earlier, but their incentive to try and win rather than tank. Oh, there is not. There are. I think this system would maintain hockey's integrity while making late season games between bad teams more interesting. But I'm curious what you Think come back to Red Rock soon and go yourself. I think that that's a great idea. P.S. checkout the band. All them Witches. If you haven't already, you'll love that they're drumming. I've actually, I. You know what, I have listened to them. I mean, I, I forget how I found out about them.
- [56:43]
B
There's another band out there.
- [56:45]
A
I forget what they're called. Something like Pack of Dogs or something like that. They're just sort of this throwback, like
- [56:53]
B
just incredible musicians band. I've just seen them.
- [56:57]
A
You just can't believe, like music like
- [56:59]
B
that is being made this time. I forget what they were called, but
- [57:03]
A
I looked them up.
- [57:04]
B
Of course they're coming to LA and I'm on the road, but you know,
- [57:08]
A
that's how life works sometimes. Well, that's great. So we did, we did get some good news. We did get some good news. The NHL is coming up with a
- [57:20]
B
system to prevent teams from tanking at the end of the year.
- [57:26]
A
I for one think that's fantastic. Jesus Christ. This has just been the yawn fest.
- [57:33]
B
I hope the jokes haven't made you yawn too.
- [57:35]
A
Anyway, so I am off to Carolina this week.
- [57:41]
B
Very excited to get out that way and do some shows. I'm gonna go out and go try to do some sets tonight. I've been working on a bunch of new stuff. All right. I actually killed the other night for 10 minutes talking about being nice to my wife.
- [58:10]
A
I.
- [58:10]
B
Don't ask me how. Okay.
- [58:12]
A
I never thought.
- [58:12]
B
I mean, I have gone a complete 180 as a person and it's been paying major dividends. But like, after all these years and
- [58:25]
A
all of the stupid that I said about women, that's another thing.
- [58:28]
B
I'm working on this chunk about that, addressing that what was really behind all of that, which of course, surprise, surprise, this will be no surprise to women who. Listen, it had nothing to do with, with the ladies.
- [58:41]
A
It was all my issues.
- [58:43]
B
So anyway, I'm very excited the direction that this new hour is heading in and. And then also I got a really cool email from somebody I worked with on this project.
- [58:57]
A
On this project.
- [58:57]
B
They did a screening of it and it did really well. So. Oh, Billy's got a. I, I gotta, I gotta. I got a cool movie coming out later on this year. So whenever, whenever the powers that be that don't send flowers, when somebody's spouse dies, whenever they let me know I'm supposed to start promoting it, I shall. All right. And just like that, that's how a
- [59:24]
A
dad does a podcast before his kids
- [59:26]
B
get up and he has to make them breakfast and take them to school.
- [59:28]
A
How do you like that, huh? You like that, Bill?
- [59:32]
B
We didn't say we didn't like it. Why are you getting all fucking hostile?
- [59:35]
A
What's the matter, huh?
- [59:36]
B
You chastised the NHL too soon and
- [59:38]
A
now you feel like an idiot? Well, maybe there's some of that. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. And thank you to everybody that's coming out to Durham. Thank you to everybody that's coming out
- [59:46]
B
to the Patrice o' Neill benefit. Again, like I said, we've been taking care of his mom all through these years because you guys buy those tickets. It's fantastic thing that you're doing. All right, that's it. All these corporations and these politicians, be nice to each other. Let's try to come together. All right? That's it. Go yourselves. I'll see you.