Roasting, Playing With Primus, Coffee | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-7-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast Summary
Episode: Roasting, Playing With Primus, Coffee | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-7-25
Release Date: August 7, 2025

Hosted by All Things Comedy, featuring Bill Burr, this episode delves into a variety of topics ranging from personal anecdotes about comedy gigs and music experiences to fervent rants about corporate practices and societal issues. Below is a detailed summary capturing the key discussions, insights, and notable moments from the episode.

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1. Navigating a Hectic Schedule and Unexpected Commitments

Bill Burr opens the episode by sharing his frustrations over a particularly busy week. Despite intending to take time off, he finds himself continually being pulled into various activities because people perceive his engagements as fun or worthwhile.

• Notable Quote:
  Bill Burr [00:10]:
  “I had a weird, like, busy week. I'm supposed to be like, you know, taking time off, but, you know, people ask me to do things and I say, all right...”

2. Dealing with Distractions: Birds and Construction Noise

Burr recounts his struggle to find a quiet environment for podcast recording due to constant disturbances from birds and construction workers, highlighting the challenges of maintaining focus amid chaos.

• Notable Quote:
  Bill Burr [02:30]:
  “I find a quiet fucking street and I got a fucking bird who won't shut the fuck up. Jesus fucking.”

3. Roasting at a Retirement Party: Overcoming Discomfort

A significant portion of the episode details Burr's experience roasting someone at a retirement party. Initially hesitant due to the unfamiliar setting and the presence of seasoned athletes, Burr recounts how the event transformed into a successful and amusing collaboration with the retiree, who turned out to be more engaged and humorous than expected.

• Notable Quotes:
  Unknown Speaker [03:11]:
  “It's outside the comedy club, it's outside my comfort zone...”

  Bill Burr [09:14]:
  “But he has like a microphone, so he's like chiming in. So we became like this comedy team.”

4. Embracing Opportunities Outside the Comfort Zone

Reflecting on his roasting experience, Burr emphasizes the importance of saying "yes" to challenging opportunities to foster personal and professional growth, likening it to developing new strengths in sports.

• Notable Quote:
  Bill Burr [17:05]:
  “There's a little Billy life lesson there. You know, go out in that fucking thing that you're saying no to, not because you don't want to do it because you're afraid. Just go, yes.”

5. Live Music Experience: Primus Concert Insights

Burr shares his enthusiasm about attending a Primus concert at the Greek Theater, praising their performance and the band's evolution. He also touches upon playing drums with the new drummer, John Hoffman, and recounts memorable moments from the show.

• Notable Quote:
  Unknown Speaker [15:44]:
  “It's kind of like Rush meets conspiracy theory meets like Bootsy Collins. I don't, I don't know how to like describe it, but it's fucking awesome.”

6. Musical Pursuits and Drumming Adventures

Discussing his passion for drumming, Burr talks about experimenting with his drum setup and the challenges that come with it. He also reflects on how performing outside his usual comedy routine has positively impacted his stand-up performances.

• Notable Quote:
  Bill Burr [36:44]:
  “Just kept going and going. But you know what? I didn't sound that bad. I had a good time.”

7. Corporate Critique: Phil’s Coffee and Starbucks

Burr vents his anger towards corporate giants like Phil’s Coffee and Starbucks for mistreating their employees, leading to class-action lawsuits. He expresses frustration over corporate greed and the lack of accountability within large organizations.

• Notable Quote:
  Unknown Speaker [27:20]:
  “Fuck Phil's Coffee and Starbucks. Fuck all of those places. So sick of that shit.”

8. Sports Talk: Red Sox Performance and MLB Insights

A segment of the podcast is dedicated to discussing the Boston Red Sox's recent games, player performances, and historical World Series wins. Burr shares his nostalgia and personal connections to the team, highlighting standout moments and player achievements.

• Notable Quote:
  Bill Burr [28:07]:
  “Yeah, I watched the Red Sox yesterday. We kicked them out, we won six in a row, going 8 and 2.”

9. Social Media and Modern Communication: A Critical View

Burr critiques the pervasive influence of social media on modern communication and relationships, lamenting how oversharing and public scrutiny can lead to unnecessary conflicts and misunderstandings.

• Notable Quote:
  Bill Burr [43:50]:
  “I don't understand social media. I'm kind of over it, other than for business purposes.”

10. Political Rants: North Korea and Global Concerns

Towards the end of the episode, Burr delves into a fervent rant about North Korea's missile tests and the broader implications for global security. He expresses frustration with political inaction and the overwhelming negativity perpetuated by news media.

• Notable Quote:
  Bill Burr [60:29]:
  “I'm so fucking sick of... turning on the TV and having somebody try this.”

11. Closing Thoughts: Apologies and Final Rants

In his closing remarks, Burr apologizes for the heaviness of the episode, acknowledging the emotional toll of constantly consuming negative news. He reiterates his preference for focusing on lighter, more enjoyable topics like sports and comedy.

• Notable Quote:
  Bill Burr [81:20]:
  “I apologize for the heaviness of this podcast. All right, Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.”

---

Conclusion

In this episode of the Monday Morning Podcast, Bill Burr offers a candid and unfiltered look into his personal and professional life. From the pressures of maintaining a busy schedule and stepping outside his comfort zone in comedy gigs to expressing his frustrations with corporate malpractices and global political issues, Burr delivers a mix of humor, introspection, and passionate rants. The episode serves as both an entertaining and thought-provoking listen, encapsulating Burr's signature blend of comedy and candidness.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

[Unknown Speaker]

And I'm just checking in on you.

[Bill Burr]

Just checking in on you, seeing how your day's going. I hope everything's good with you. I had a weird, like, busy week. I'm supposed to be like, you know, taking time off, but, you know, people ask me to do things and I say, all right, cuz they're fun or they're cool. And then I don't look at my schedule and all of a sudden it's.

[Unknown Speaker]

Like, oh my God, I got something. Fucking three days in a row I'm.

[Bill Burr]

Supposed to be relaxing. Is this fucking bird gonna be doing.

[Unknown Speaker]

This shit the whole time? Oh, there he is, top of the roof, just running his fucking yap. He's saying the same thing over and over again.

[Bill Burr]

What the fuck? Yeah, that's what he's saying.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's kind of perfect timing there now.

[Bill Burr]

Speaking of which, I.

[Unknown Speaker]

So was it Tuesday? Oh, Jesus.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, cut it out.

[Unknown Speaker]

He doesn't give a fuck. Just do it. Just sitting there with its mouth open.

[Bill Burr]

What are you appalled that I had the nerve? I'm out here too.

[Unknown Speaker]

Ah, Jesus crows. Anyway, we're just. You just have to deal with the Omen in the background during this podcast. So there's. There was.

[Bill Burr]

There is literally no place to do a fucking pod. This is why people have studios. I swear to fucking Christ. What are the fucking odds? What are the fucking odds? I literally just fucking parked somewhere else and then these two fucking construction guys come out, they're fucking running their yaps. I find a quiet fucking street and I got a fucking bird who won't shut the fuck up. Jesus fucking. Can you tell? I don't have time. Remember when Danny Glover was too old for this shit? I don't have the fucking time for this shit. Oh, look at this fucking old school Mustang. That's the one I like. I never used to like the rear end on the 65 and 66, but I loved the interior, the steering wheel. And I like the 6768 rear end better.

[Unknown Speaker]

But I hated the. The steering wheels. Terrible on that car. But now I've come around. I like the 65 anyway. Oh God, that's so wonderful. Get away from that goddamn bird. I wonder if that's how Alfred Hitchcock came up with the birds. He's trying to write the some movie, some crow wouldn't shut the up. And they're also like crazy. Like they, like, if you help them out they remember it. And if you don't, if you're an asshole, they carry grudges, according to Instagram. So what does that mean? I don't know. So anyway, I agreed to roast this guy at his retirement party. And I always say no to these things because I just get uncomfortable.

[Bill Burr]

Like it's.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's outside the comedy club, it's outside my comfort zone. You have no idea what the setup's gonna be. So, you know, the further you get in your career, the more people ask you to do this, and eventually you're gonna have to do it. So you got to learn how to do them. So I was a huge fan of this guy. I'm not going to name any names, right? It was a sports guy, right? So I go, all right, I'll go down and do that thing. So I. So I go down to do the gig and I'm a surprise. So nobody knows that I'm there. They're shuffling me through the kitchen and all of this. You know, I've written my jokes, you know, and it's always weird, like roasting somebody you don't know, right? So I always keep it classy because, you know, if I know them, you know, they know that I'm joking. But if I just met them, it could come off, like, mean, you know? And I grew up old school roasts where it was just like, no matter what you said, you felt the love and respect underneath it. So I was like, all right, I'm gonna work clean. I'll do a lot of self deprecating stuff, blah, blah, blah, and all of that type of stuff. So I'm standing behind the curtain waiting to go on. And here's the thing about when you do those, when you perform at one of those athlete things, all those athletes, like, they've given speeches after, like, games, they talk to reporters, they're on camera all the time. They speak at banquets, they do motivational speaking. Like, they have chops and then they've played the game and they have stories and they're all guys, guys, and they're funny as hell.

[Bill Burr]

And every time I've done one of.

[Unknown Speaker]

Those things, I'm always sitting in the back of the room going, they didn't need me.

[Bill Burr]

These, these guys are all killing it. Like, the first time I ever did.

[Unknown Speaker]

Stand up on something, if you can believe this, I was an unknown comedian. I was living in New York City, and I probably all the known comedians are like, I don't want to do that. That's gonna be a weird gig. So I was too green to know not to take the gig. So I actually did, like, stand up in New York City at the Baseball Writers Awards. Like, they were literally giving out, like, the Cy Young Award and huge stuff like that. And back in the day, I remember Joe Torrey was there, Roger Clemens, Willie Randolph, who was coaching the Mets at the time. I remember he. He killed everybody. Was killing everybody was funny.

[Bill Burr]

And they were so funny. Like, I kind of forgot I had to go on.

[Unknown Speaker]

And I was like, oh, my God, I. I gotta go. I gotta follow this stuff.

[Bill Burr]

So then I went up there, and it's just like, you know, it's like pulling the emergency brake, where it's just like, who. Who the hell is this guy? Right? But, you know, I was able to.

[Unknown Speaker]

Get through.

[Bill Burr]

Was kind of fun because it was. It was 2004, right after the Red.

[Unknown Speaker]

Sox beat the Yankees and then finally broke the curse and won the World Series. So they. They were a little salty about it. So, you know, and I got to tell a few jokes, you know, I got booed a little bit, you know, in like, a playful way or whatever. But so I just remember doing that gig, going like, man, that was. That was just. I didn't feel comfortable doing that. And I've kind of run from those things. So now I'm, like, all these years later going, I should have been doing these things right along. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. You know, because things come up. Like, a buddy of mine, you know, just got an award, and he wanted, you know, all his friends to come down and say something nice about him, you know, and you can't say no to that.

[Bill Burr]

You say no, then it's like, what? You don't like me?

[Unknown Speaker]

So when I was getting ready to do that thing, I was like, going, see, Bill?

[Bill Burr]

See, you turn down all of these gigs. You attract what you fear. Now here's one you can't say no to.

[Unknown Speaker]

And you haven't done anything like this, and now you're, like, freaking out.

[Bill Burr]

Why don't you just start saying yes.

[Unknown Speaker]

To these things so you can learn.

[Bill Burr]

How to do them? So I go, all right.

[Unknown Speaker]

So my manager asked me to do this thing. I'll go. Just give me 24 hours to think about it. And I was just like, you know what? Stop being a bitch. Just fucking do this thing. So anyway, I'm standing there behind the curtain waiting to do this, and then it finally hits me, like, this guy's, like, in his, you know, 80s, like, and he doesn't know I'm coming here. Like, the Odds of this guy not having any idea who I am are pretty high. So they go, you know, you know.

[Bill Burr]

Everybody has been coming up here. This is like the intro. They all been saying like nice stuff and blah, blah, blah. They all love you and everything. But you know, this next guy is a surprise guest, you know, he's not gonna be so nice. Don't get mad at him. This was on me.

[Unknown Speaker]

Please welcome blah, blah, blah. And I come walking out there.

[Bill Burr]

Now, usually if you're gonna roast somebody, they're sitting down in a chair on like the stage.

[Unknown Speaker]

And I come walking out and the.

[Bill Burr]

Dude'S standing there wearing like a fucking, like a black like Hawaiian shirt and.

[Unknown Speaker]

He'S got a microphone. He's just standing there.

[Bill Burr]

It was like super awkward. And then in the front row is all of these hall of fame athletes. There's not a face I don't recognize. And we're in this conference room at this resort, right? And I'm just like, I'm like, hey, man. And I did a couple of jokes and the dude just goes, wait a second, wait a second. He had a big smile on his face and he goes, who are you? Biggest laugh, the big. I mean, I saw it like everybody's head just went back and they were dying laughing. And then I just, in a playful way, I just snapped, going like, see, this is why I always say no to these things. You guys tell great stories. No one knows who I am. I don't know why I'm here. And then everybody was dying laughing at that. And then I just start roasting them, like in a playful way.

[Unknown Speaker]

And.

[Bill Burr]

But he has like a microphone, so he's like chiming in. So we became like this comedy team. So like, you know, I was saying, yo, you built this program with blah, blah and blah. And he goes, he goes, yes, I did. But that was not the order. He's like, the so and so's came first. Huge laugh. I'm not gonna say the jokes and.

[Unknown Speaker]

Everything, cuz it was a private thing.

[Bill Burr]

And then finally I just said, you know, usually the person sitting down. So they finally brought a chair up and they say he sat down, but he had like a microphone. So anyway, it was just so like so weird. And the guy was roasting was so funny and they were all laughing at.

[Unknown Speaker]

Me, dealing with it, and I just sort of rolled with it and it ended up going great. I finished, got like a mini standing ovation. And you know, the guy I was roasting came over, gave me a hug and I said in his ear, I Go, Bill Burr, comedian. I'm a standup comedian, Bill Burr. And he laughed and. And then that was it. And I got off stage and I gotta tell you, I felt like a battleship was off my chest. And I was really excited that, you know, I got through that and I'm not good at those things. And I've decided that I'm just gonna start saying yes to those things so I can turn it into a, a strength rather than this thing that I have to be like, oh my God, I gotta go on and, you know, and say all this nice, you know, stuff about like, that's the big thing as a guy. If you have to go and actually say nice things about a friend of yours or someone that you admire, there's always that thing as a guy, you're like, oh my God, what if I get emotional? You know, what if that happens? Because, you know, men, we're not allowed to do that. You know, you can't go dick for a meal in the middle of a stand up set saying how much you love the guy that you're roasting. You know what I mean? So I was getting nervous about that. So I was like, you know what, I'm just going to keep myself in my nice little walled off, defensive, emotional place in comedy clubs. So anyway, you know, to use the sports analogy, if you play hoop and you can't go to your left, what do you start doing? You start going to your left and then it becomes a strength and then, you know, you don't have to be anxious when you play and then you can play at a higher level. So I was trying to do that comedically. So I was very excited that that happened. So last night I went to the Greek Theater and I saw Primus with their, their new drummer, John Hoffman. And I gotta tell you something, man, it. I've seen that band I don't know how many times, but every time I see them, they just get better and better and better. They were like on fire last night. It was like face melting stuff. I so wished, you know, I wish I took some mushrooms or something, but they let me sit in on one song so I couldn't like, you know, and I knew I was going to go early, you know, sound like I'm a musician. So they're like, all right, let's get the clown out of the way early. So it was after three songs, but then I was kind of like, you know, is this gonna be one of these things if I, if I, you know, have some mushrooms, like, you know, thanks a lot.

[Bill Burr]

Good night. And then, boom, they hit.

[Unknown Speaker]

And then I'm just tripping, trying to fucking drive home. I don't want to be doing that. So, you know, they had the elephants jumping up and down on the trampolines, and it's just like, this is the show and the vibe is great. But anyways, they had. I got to sit in on too many puppies and I don't, I can't even. You know, I met the Greek and I, me and my brothers, you know, when we used to jam way back in the day, we used to try and play like the few songs that.

[Bill Burr]

They had where like, Les was sort.

[Unknown Speaker]

Of playing a bass line that my brother could keep up with and like to just be looking up and seeing him, you know, and, and then seeing.

[Bill Burr]

Lair looking back at me smiling and everything.

[Unknown Speaker]

And, and, And John was like, beyond cool. Oh, my God, he sounded amazing. And he had just got a brand new orange sparkle DW kit. And I just saw that thing. I was like, dude, that is gonna look sick under the lights. And it did, it looked like it was glowing. And then, oh, and then, oh, by the way, Justin Chancellor from Tool was playing bass also. And then Guitar center me was up there and. But I was psyched, you know, I fucked up some of the changes. I, I, you know, they kind of asked me a couple weeks ago, and I thought for some reason it was the middle of August, so I was just writing for that roast and I was like, oh, it's the next day. So I, I had my little, my little drum chart and I went and I sat down and I put it down upside down. And then I had in ears, which I'd never used. And they were working, of course, until I sat down and then they weren't, but I could still hear the band. But I was just going like, what the.

[Bill Burr]

I.

[Unknown Speaker]

So I messed up a couple of changes. But in the end, those 16th note triplets, you know, there's like four fills. I played the first and the third and John like murdered the second and the fourth. But, you know, I did the 16th note triple thing, then just played like a quad thing. You know, I stayed in my wheelhouse, but it sounded, I think I pulled it off and. But my favorite part was when I went out to the crowd after and I went with my lovely wife, and she didn't know anything about Primus. And we were like, as we were walking in, you know, I was running into people, hey, man, what's. Hey, how you doing? You know, and she was like trying to get A read on what a Primus fan is. And it, you know, Primus fans are everywhere from like Grateful Deadish to like jocks, to like introverts to out. I mean, it's outgoing people.

[Bill Burr]

It's just like. It's a.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's a wide mass of people that don't look like they should be together, but they do. There's. There's some sort of through line that you can't quite put your finger on for a Primus fan. So when I went out to the crowd and I sat with my wife, she had this look on her face. She was going like, these guys are great.

[Bill Burr]

I like this.

[Unknown Speaker]

This is sort of like kind of funky as like.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, like, yeah, I go. It's kind of like, you know, it's.

[Unknown Speaker]

Like Rush meets conspiracy theory meets like Bootsy Colin. I don't, I don't know how to like describe it, but it's fucking awesome. And, and like the end of the.

[Bill Burr]

Concert when I saw my wife chanting.

[Unknown Speaker]

Primus sucks, I was like.

[Bill Burr]

I was telling less afterward. I go, that was the music equivalent of if.

[Unknown Speaker]

If my wife actually sat down and watched a sporting event with me and.

[Bill Burr]

High fived me in the end. So.

[Unknown Speaker]

Anyway, so I got to do that. And then today I'm sitting in with somebody else at like sort of like a guitar center thing, which is where I belong, which is cool. And then that's the end of my, my three night in a row getting outside of my comfort zone. And I can't tell you that those, those gigs actually really help with my stand up because then to actually just do what I do for a living, you know, when I walk on stage, it just feels like I'm playing T ball. So there you go.

[Bill Burr]

There's a little Billy life lesson there. You know, go out in that fucking thing that you're saying no to, not because you don't want to do it because you're afraid. Just go, yes. That's how I started my standup career. When I saw there was a phone number and it was for a, you know, a talent contest. Find Boston's funniest college student. I went home and set down my fucking backpack from college and just picked up the phone in my parents house and called the number because I knew if I didn't, I was gonna sit down and that fear was gonna take over. And I know maybe in the next, the next contest I was just call.

[Unknown Speaker]

Up and do it now before you chicken out. And then I did it and then it was like, that's it.

[Bill Burr]

That's it now.

[Unknown Speaker]

Now the.

[Bill Burr]

The.

[Unknown Speaker]

The hourglass has been tipped over, you know, and when that sands out, you.

[Bill Burr]

Go on stage and whatever the fuck happens, happens. And it doesn't fucking matter. It's not about doing well.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's just about having the balls to go up there. So that's it.

[Bill Burr]

Give yourself permission to suck.

[Unknown Speaker]

And.

[Bill Burr]

Then you're off and running. There you go. Do you ever think you'd be taking tips from somebody who went to summer school? Who gets angry at birds? Angry birds. Did I really get mad at a crow for crowing outside? It's not like it flew into my living room.

[Unknown Speaker]

I'm an idiot.

[Bill Burr]

But you know what? It was bothering me. I could have addressed it in a more healthier way, but I did. I got away from.

[Unknown Speaker]

I had healthy boundaries. And then what? Look at me now.

[Bill Burr]

I'm sitting behind a 65 Mustang that is just gorgeous to look at, but.

[Unknown Speaker]

Makes me a little sad because it needs. It needs to be washed. It's kind of making me feel like it doesn't have any love, you know? I always wanted one of those when I was a kid. And then I got into cars and so many of the other ones, and I kind of realized to have a Mustang was sort of hacky. Like there was so many of them and so many people had them. But now, I don't know, I've come around. I kind of like him again. Look at that fucking lizard just crawling on a wall sideways going past me in the other direction. To have those spider man skills and you know it's still gonna get killed by a snake. It's just fucking unbelievable. What's it trying to kill? It's fucking insane. I know this is difficult, but this is nature. God, I hate that. I hate when people do that. I know this is hard to watch, but this is nature.

[Bill Burr]

Why are you acting like you're out.

[Unknown Speaker]

In the fucking Serengeti right now?

[Bill Burr]

You're.

[Unknown Speaker]

You're on a computer or on your phone, just like me.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Billy Bookworm, old Billy Bookworm has.

[Unknown Speaker]

Been majorly off his phone.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking major, bruh. Off my phone.

[Unknown Speaker]

And I've been reading, and it has been fantastic for my brain. Now if I could just stop drinking four cappuccinos every day. I've gone off the rails with the coffee. There's always something.

[Bill Burr]

Is. He's always something.

[Unknown Speaker]

So I've been doing that. I've been getting along great with my wife, which has been fantastic. And then she's. She got me in this show, the Valley, and there's this dude on there? Oh, I told you about that. This dude, man, you know, he's battling the bottle, you know, which I can fucking relate to. But, man, the level of his denial is just. It's fucking fantastic. And the last time, the last episode, he got confronted about his drinking problems with a guy who has problems with blow. Not only does he have problems with blow, he was gacked out of his mind telling this guy that he needs to work on his fucking drinking problem.

[Bill Burr]

And I get empathy for all of them, anybody with, like, addiction shit, because I figured out over the years, like.

[Unknown Speaker]

You know, I don't have that blow.

[Bill Burr]

Up your whole life addiction thing, but.

[Unknown Speaker]

I'm definitely on the spectrum. So anyway, I was just watching this guy, and it's actually scary because the guy is well into his 40s. You can't do blow in your 40s, okay?

[Bill Burr]

And I gotta tell you, that is.

[Unknown Speaker]

That is the truest thing I've ever said on this podcast. Like, you cannot, you shouldn't ever do blow. But if you're gonna do cocaine, you.

[Bill Burr]

You. You can't. Like, once you. I think north of 32, forgot, forget about fentanyl.

[Unknown Speaker]

Fentanyl or whatever, however the fuck you say it, all of that shit. I just mean if it's just regular old school cocaine, you can't do that shit past your early 30s. Your heart just cannot take it. So the dude's face and his chest are all red and he's just confronting this guy. I'm just like. I mean, this is like. I know it's a reality show, but it is an amazing, like, documentary on addiction and how, you know, you know, the denial of it, you know, the whole, you know, just that whole, I don't have a problem. You have a problem. I'm gacked out of my mind and I want to confront you right now. But your drinking problem, that's fucking amazing.

[Bill Burr]

That is. Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

That is like you just bend in the matrix to fit your own fucking reality. Anyway, let me. Let me do. Let me do some of the reads here for this week, and then I'll wrap this thing up. Talking about my Red Sox. All right.

[Bill Burr]

Lucid, everybody. Which I used to meant.

[Unknown Speaker]

I thought it meant scatterbrained. It actually means you're thinking clearly. It's how dumb I am. Lucid with the Y, L, U, C, Y, D. Are you getting a neck.

[Bill Burr]

Hump from staring at your phone all day? Yeah, stop doing that. Get yourself a pair of lucid smart glasses.

[Unknown Speaker]

Lucid glasses.

[Bill Burr]

Bluetooth to your phone so you can Listen to music, take calls and talk to Siri hands free. It's super convenient and just like headphones and glasses in one, the open ear audio is safer than regular earbuds that cut you off from the world so you can still hear everything and everyone around you. It's so much better than plugging your ears while running, cycling or just walking around.

[Unknown Speaker]

And no more lost earbuds.

[Bill Burr]

You can also download for free the Lucid app for iOS and Android.

[Unknown Speaker]

What is that? What is iOS? That has to be iPhone, right?

[Bill Burr]

To add more features like walkie talkie, talk to Jet, GP chat, GPT and hearing the news. They come in a lot of different styles and sizes and you can order them in any prescription from Lucid.com that's L U C Y Lucy D Co. It's really like Lucy D Co. They have regular optical style glasses, smart safety glasses and even a new sporty collab with Reebok for the gym buffs. Lucid is committed to doing good. They pay a twenty dollar minimum wage. All full time staff are shareholders of the company. Look at this. All shipments are carbon neutral and they can and they use recycled packaging. Lucid has also donated over 4,000 pairs of sunglass to needy folks across across South Florida because good vision should be a human right. So if we're ready to. If you're ready to upgrade your eyewear, head to Lucid Co l u c y d co and use the code Burr Burr for 20% off and start listening to this podcast on your glasses. How cool is that? All right, look who it is. It's hims. Hims can solve snoring or blanket. Oh, can't solve snoring or blanket stealing, but when it comes to performance, they got you covered. Take control of your erectile dysfunction with personalized treatments made with proven ingredients prescribed by licensed providers 100% online. Through HIMS, you can asset access personalized prescription treatment options for ED like hard mints and sex RX plus climax control if prescribed. What do they start playing audio of a baseball game in your head. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. HIMSS brings expert care straight to you with 100% online access to personalized treatments that put your goals first. That isn't one size fits all care that forgets you in the waiting room. It's your health and goals put first with real medical providers making sure you get what you need to get results. Think of HIMS as your digital front door that gets you back to your old self. Jesus bill with simple 100% online access to trusted treatments for erectile dysfunction and more, all in one place. To get simple online access to personalized affordable care for erectile dysfunction, hair loss, weight loss and more, visit hims.com brrrr that's hims.com brrrr for your free online visit hims.com spur actual price will depend on product subscription plan feature products include compound drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions and important safety information. They literally said, read that fast. How fucked up is that? Is it as fucked up is Phil's Coffee? Somebody was telling me that they told all of their workers that, yeah, your shares in the company are no longer valid. So now there's going to be a class action suit from the employees because they know as the cunts at the top, they have all the money and they'll just bleed them dry and settle out of court for way less money. Fucking over your own employees. Fuck Phil's Coffee. I got a question for you. Who the fuck is Phil when it's a chain? Phil's Coffee. Like he's. Like he's some guy in the neighborhood. Fuck that place. Fuck Starbucks.

[Unknown Speaker]

Fuck all of those places. So sick of that shit.

[Bill Burr]

Where's the government to step in? They know what they're doing. They know what they're doing. You can't fucking do that. And it's not legal. And they're gonna get fucking sued, but they're gonna win.

[Unknown Speaker]

Can you imagine that?

[Bill Burr]

Like the fucking greed of that. They just sit around this, this on the legal side of stealing.

[Unknown Speaker]

God damn it.

[Bill Burr]

The worst thing we ever did was deregulate everything. And all of that bullshit you gotta get. You don't want government in your life. Talking to me, you know, they didn't want that. The corporations didn't want them in their lives because it prevented them from doing shit like this.

[Unknown Speaker]

The fucking cunts. Heartless fucking cunts.

[Bill Burr]

All right, moving ahead, let's talk the Red Sox. Once again.

[Unknown Speaker]

Fuck Phil's Coffee and Starbucks. Fuck all of those people.

[Bill Burr]

Anyway, we started with the coffee and then we're moving to Best Buy. Yeah, I watched the Red Sox yesterday. You know what?

[Unknown Speaker]

We had a tough game. We had a new pitcher in there and whatever. He's getting used to it. You know, they had a couple of cunty little flares or whatever. May is the guy's name. He's a ginger. He's got a mullet. I'm hanging in there with them. But what I was happy, was Mike Yastremsky went from the Giants to the Royals. He was in a bit of a slump with the Giants when we were playing him, so, you know, I grew up watching his grandfather, so I was really psyched. He's on a new team, got a new lease, and he had. He was 2 for 2 with a run scored his first two at bats. Single and a double, I think. And it was all right. It was all right. That's just how old I'm getting. It's like Karl Yastremsky's grandson is playing in the lead. Bobby Witt Jr. Is like, the star. I remember watching Bobby Witt play. He's from my hometown. Really fucking cool. So anyway, I'm gonna watch a little bit of Red Sox. Oh, no, I gotta play some drums today. And then that's it. That's the end of Billy, Billy, make.

[Bill Burr]

A wish this week.

[Unknown Speaker]

So anyway, what else do I have? Anything else? Been going to the gym, losing my.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking spare tire, and. Yeah, I think that's it.

[Unknown Speaker]

There you go. There's a.

[Bill Burr]

There's a little 30 minutes here.

[Unknown Speaker]

You can listen to the music now from the. Picked out from the amazingly talented Andrew Themelis.

[Bill Burr]

And then afterwards, we'll have a bonus. Bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just.

[Unknown Speaker]

Before Friday Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts.

[Bill Burr]

Spend your money at mom and pop places. All right? Stop looking at people about whether they wear a red or a blue tie. Stop fucking being a racist idiot. Realize that all regular people, we're all in the same boat. We're all getting fucked over by the same people. That's it. All right? So fuck them. And, you know, I feel like the pushback has happened. I mean, CEOs are getting. So many CEOs have been getting whacked. Mainstream media is now, like, lying about it, trying to create the. Oh, they were actually trying to go to the NFL, were they? Is that what he was doing? I don't buy it. And, you know, this is not surprising at all. You can't do this to people for too long. Eventually you're gonna do it to the wrong person that doesn't give a fuck, and something crazy is gonna happen. This is very easily stopped. You don't have to make up stories. What you could do is stop being so fucking heartless and greedy, and then magically, you're not gonna have somebody coming in trying to take you out. Is it that simple? I think it is. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend and thank you to everybody in Primus for letting me sit in.

[Unknown Speaker]

That was like just another. Just one of the most surreal moments of my life. And I absolutely love that band. And I love those guys and everybody who's ever played in that band. They are just so fucking unique. And it was. The Greek was just such a great place to see them just being outside. Amazing, amazing, amazing. They got a couple more shows on their tour. Definitely go out there and see them. If you just want to see one of the best groups out there doing it. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you later.

[Bill Burr]

Come on, Jenny and Harry. Yes. Yeah.

[C]

You chatter chillin Chatterbox, chatterbox, chatterbox. Talking all day long. Chatterbox, chatterbox, chatterbox. Like an endless song Your voice could rival the sweetest of birds. But you keep using the wrong little words. Chatterbox, chatterbox, chatterbox Give your heart a chance. Chatterbox, chatterbox, chatterbox. Speaking of romance, how about saying I love you, I do. I never knew a chatterbox like you. You talk a mile a minute but there's nothing in it, it's much too much. All your conversation is a recitation on life and such. If I wanted knowledge I would go to college My chickadee, won't you stop chattering and say you love me? Chatterbox, chatterbox, chatterbox Give your heart a chance.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning podcast for Monday, August 7th. Lucky seven, 2017. What's going on? Dude, he yelled. He said seven, I thought seven and then he yelled, Lucky seven. Dude, I'm gonna play that number. Dude, I'm going down to Christie's and I'm getting me a fucking set for life. Getting seven of them. Why can't I fucking hear myself? I'm screaming loud enough, aren't I? You know people, when you're not talented, what you have to do is yell. If you don't believe that, watch my fucking last fucking whatever. I mean, I don't know how many special I've done. You know, when you're talking the amount of shit I do, why can't I hear myself the way I want to hear myself? Why can't I hear me the way I used to? Am I going deaf? Is that what's going on? How's that? Is that too much? Hello? Hello? Test 1, 2, 2, 2, 2,2, 2, 2, 2, two, two. The fuck is with this thing? Do I have it on some sort of fucking parental mode? You know, hearing loss is one of the number one causes of hearing loss in 2017 because these earbuds that are all the RA.

[Unknown Speaker]

I actually had time today to go over and go play drums today, and.

[Bill Burr]

I put on a fucking ADD clinic. Jesus Christ. I like, practice 9000 things got better at nothing. That's how I practice. Hey, let's do double bass for two minutes. Hey, let's work on singles and doubles. Hey, let's do the jazz ride pattern. Hey, let's fucking do some bottom triplets, right? Just kept going and going. But you know what? I didn't sound that bad. I had a good time. I love that kit, though. I had the small setup a lot of you guys gave me because I had three floor toms. Like, oh, what'd you do before you keys and your toupee? I don't own a toupee, all right? You can't own a toupee. It just. It. You know what I mean? Although I bet they make them really good right now. But I just. It would just be like wearing this hat you could never take off. You know, you wake up in the morning and you got your little roller, you know, with the glue. You know, you just fucking going over your scalp. You know, you're doing that and your wife comes walking in. I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, she's gonna be banging another guy within three days. If your fucking woman walks in while you're gluing hair to the top of your head, all right, and she doesn't leave you. That woman is a saint. You know what I mean? I love the guys who have, like, the fucking. The toupee, and then they can't even get like, the. Like the. The sides to match it. You know what I mean? It's like, dude, are you colorblind? Do you really think that. That that's blending into what you got on the sides? You know what's funny too, is when you go down the toupee road, they don't. As far as I know, they don't make any white ones. Like, if you're an older guy. So then you gotta dye the. You got on the side, right? So then it just makes people look at your head. Like, you're just like, this guy's like 60. How does he have jet black? Oh, good Lord, look at that thing. Jesus. You know, I don't like about toupee is actually hair plugs now is. They're too good now. Used to be you used to be able to tell and you could really somebody up in conversation. You all need to do. I don't give a fuck how Smart. They were. All you do is just kind of look up at it and then look back at them, and then they were just for the rest of the conversation. And those days are gone now because they got too goddamn good at it. So anyways, I was playing, you know.

[Unknown Speaker]

Playing all the drum.

[Bill Burr]

And at this point, because my drum teacher is out on the road, I haven't been taking any lessons, you know? Drum teacher Dave Elitch, out with the night game. Opening for Dave. No, not. I almost said Dave Matthews. No, John Mayer. Opening for John Mayer with Steve Jordan on drums. Jesus Christ. You get to see Davie lynch and then you get to see Steve Jordan. How about that? There's a fucking evening for you, you know? That be enough for you? Goddamn millennials. Yeah, so I haven't been taking lessons.

[Unknown Speaker]

But so I just.

[Bill Burr]

It's actually kind of been a good thing because I can go back to all this shit that I never fucking got down that he showed me while developing new bad habits. But I know I'm kidding. Anyways, I'm having a great time. So people are giving me shit because I got the three floor toms, but this is why I did it. This was the method to my madness. All right? I got 12 inch rack, then I got a 14, 16, 18 floor tom, so. And then a 22 kick, right? So I hate having two rack toms, but I ended up ordering another one. So I got a 12, I got 13 coming. So now I can go big or small people, big or small. I need to go 12, 14, 16, or 13, 16, 18, depending on whatever the fucking whatever song I'm gonna go butcher on the goddamn comedy jam. All right? Why can't I just have a hobby without people criticizing it? Why can't people just say, hey, nice drum kit, dude. What do you got the third fucking floor tom for that? Just thinking that's. Jesus. I don't know. So I'm trying to get out of the. The bottom death spin I went on for 30 years. I'm just trying a different setup. That's all I was doing. Got more goddamn for that. That and saying nuclear instead of nuclear, you know? I love the word police. You know what I mean? It's just like, where are you going to get in life with that, you know? It's not nuclear. It's nuclear. I've always said nuclear. I've always said it. It sounds right to me. Rolls off the tongue a little bit easier than nuclear. It's a nuclear weapon. Not nuclear. Laughing my ass off. Let me ask you this. Where are you laughing your ass off. Where exactly are you in your fucking life? Because as dumb as I am, I'm doing all right. You know, is there. Is there a fucking job that you can do where you dot all your I's, cross all your T's, and correct spelling? What are you going to be like? I guess a teacher. Is that what it is? Do I have a bunch of teachers following me on Twitter? I don't know why they wouldn't. You know. Good Lord, these fucking people that are always like, there's so much shit. I used to say palo instead of pillow. Get the palos off the fucking table. I mean, I've. You know, this is shit you just say in a different way because. Does that mean you don't know what the fuck you put your head on at night? Where does that get you? Can you make a living doing crossword puzzles? Those are. Those kind. They're good at soduku or sudoku, whoever the. You say that. Sudoku, dooku for you, right? They're good at that shit. Dude, she's really smart. She can do the New York Times. She can do the New York Times crossword puzzle. Great. Fantastic. Now, where does that get you? Where does that get you in life? I mean. I don't know. I mean, tell me. Tell me how that's holding me back. That's what I want to know. And I know I'm kind of harping on this, but this is like the 900th word. You guys have fucking corrected me on it. I don't give a shit. I like nuclear. Sounds like it's more fucking like the missiles spinning a little bit more. Nuclear. Like nuclear. Keep it clear. Here it comes. Nuclear. It's like. Well, it's a little shoulder roll in there. Nuclear. I like it. I'm keeping it. Fuck off. You know? Do you guys, like. Right. Fucking Jay Z. Every time he says hoe. When you're like, actually, it's whore. Laughing my ass off. I bet you don't, right? Because you're liberals, you know? But you fucking white male fucks up, and what do you do? You hold my fucking alabaster feet to the fire, don't you? I've had a little bit. I've had enough of it, all right? I've had enough of people trying to make me not sound like I'm ashamed of how stupid I am. I'm not, okay? I saw the carrot man, and I walked towards it. I knew what I was good at. I knew being a loudmouth was what I was good at. And I just did that, okay? I'm not gonna ever be in a classroom teaching people how to spell or pronounce, okay? So let it go. The ship has sailed. There's no hope for me, all right? But you know what the deal is? The real reason people, they're not doing it for me. They're doing it for them, to show how smart they are. Oh, it's not Tortle. It's Turtle. Laughing my ass off. I know how to say that fucking amphibians name. Actually, it's not an amphibian. Yes. Stop it. It's not an amphibian. An amphibian has the ability. Shut the fuck up. You know what those. What are those people? Are they practicing to be on a game show? Is that what it is? That's like the smart way a person.

[Unknown Speaker]

Plays the lottery, I guess, right?

[Bill Burr]

The lottery just can be a dope. Like me going, dude, you see that nuclear weapon? And then you go in, let me get a fucking set for life, right? That's how I try to make it, okay? The smarty pants who could do the fucking. Who can actually do the New York Times crossword puzzle is now, you know, trying to get on like Wheel of Fortune because, you know, that's like the dumbest crossword you can do. Whatever the. Is that a crossword? No, it isn't, right? It's like, guess the letters. It looks like a crossword, but it is. But I just love that you can be smart enough to do the New York Times crossword puzzle and then still you're gonna get on there, right? And you got to spin a wheel and spin in that wheel, there's no intelligence. You just spin it right? You can be the smartest person on the world, and you're gonna roll, lose a turn, bankrupt, and it's over. I like watching Jeopardy. When you know, there's somebody just. You just can't defeat this guy. And all these other smarty pants get on there in their whole life, they were the fucking smartest one, you know? You know those people that don't, like, drink and they, like. They play board games, like, let's play Trivial Pursuit. You know what I mean? Let's. Let's play whatever those fucking games.

[Unknown Speaker]

I have to tell you.

[Bill Burr]

Some of the saddest moments in my adult life is I've gone to parties and all.

[Unknown Speaker]

Of a sudden they break out board games.

[Bill Burr]

And you ever see, like, when somebody's on hidden video and they start looking around like, what the fuck? And the crowd starts laughing, like, that's the look on my face, like, yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

They'Re not going to do this.

[Bill Burr]

They're not doing this, are they? Does everybody have to play like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do. What am I, five years old? You know, are we trapped in a cabin and then there's no television? No, this is great. You can connect with me. I'll play some cards. You know, I like how cards is like. The only thing about cards is just like, there's a sleazy vet like, vibe to cards that I've always enjoyed, even though I don't play a lot of cards. But, you know, even like those old ladies seen some old lady with their bony fingers shuffling, not even looking, talking some. She's got a favorite, little candies right to the right, you know, in a dish, you know? I saw an old school old lady today.

[Unknown Speaker]

I was in.

[Bill Burr]

I was down at the grocery store buying some food, right? And this lady comes around the corner. She had on like this turquoise blazer with like some sort of brooch. I forget what she had underneath it. She had white slacks on, white shoes and a white purse. Just old school, dressed to the fucking nine. She looked great. Total fucking class act. Made me miss my grandmother. My grandmother was a sharp dresser. They. Oh, they, those people, they knew how to fucking dress, you know what I mean? And then they buy a pair of shoes and goddammit, they took care of. Not like us today, you know? Well, every black person I knew, they always took care of their sneakers, you.

[Unknown Speaker]

Know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

Keep the things looking brand new, you know, taking out a goddamn, you know, the nail brush, scrubbing the sides, right? That was another white privilege moment, right? How you could just have dirty sneakers and that was okay. What? Man, I went outside and they got dirty, man. Keep watching them and he just. There's always going to be dirt out here, man. I remember when Patrice used to give me shit for my sneakers being dirty. I was just like. I mean, a fucking beauty pageant. He's like, bill, if you were black and you walked out, I'm like, I'm not black. This is totally socially acceptable for me. I get it. You have new sneakers on. Congratulations. Anyways, I don't know what the I'm talking about. I'm doing this this Sunday night because as always, I have a million things to do during this time of year. As we're writing season three, three, three of episode Family, Family, Family. We're going to be recording episode three and writing episode four this week. Big shit going. We're Almost at the clubhouse. Turn here. No, it's actually the. Coming down the back stretch. You know, I think we'll have five written and recorded by the end of this. This month. I know what you guys are thinking. So what does that mean? It comes out in December. Oh, no, no. There's like 40 different other things you have to do to it over the course of the next. I don't know how many months before it finally fucking comes out. I have no idea. We were joking one time. I think by the time we do the sixth season, I'll be in my late 60s. But I have to tell you, I really fucking like it. I really like doing it, and I really enjoy being in the writers room. You know, some days it sucks when, like, the shit just isn't working and my brain isn't working and I'm fried. Some of those days suck. But generally. But then you know that everybody else is saying funny shit, so that makes you get going, you know? But I actually really enjoy writing dialogue. Who would have thought, you know, in a way I can. You know, some guy who says nuclear can actually write a fucking episode of television. You know, just think about that, okay? Think about. Think about that. And then stop complaining about who's president right now, okay? If you can say nuclear, and then you can fuck. I mean, like, George Bush used to say nuclear. The amount of people that fucking laughed at him. And I want to be like, hey, are you bilingual? Can you also speak Spanish? Huh? Did you go to Yale? The guy went to fucking Yale, all right? I don't give a shit if his dad got him in or what. He's a legacy. He still went there. He still got that education. Still got to be a member of the Skull and Bones. I think that's why he had that laugh, because he knew he didn't belong there. He knew. He got. He just got pushed down that fucking road, you know?

[Unknown Speaker]

What do you think he really wanted to do?

[Bill Burr]

I think, like, what you do after your pres. After your president really lets people know how much you love the job. You know what I mean? And, like, he just fucking dis Bill Clinton. He's still. You know, Bill Clinton was all about the horse, you know, so he's still. He's still out there giving speeches. Nice fucking tits, right? He's still out there. You know, Jimmy Carter's building fucking homes, you know? And then you got fucking George Bush. He's just. He's fucking hanging out like a trust fund kid. He's just sitting around. Peyton, do you ever see that documentary, rich kids. Like, one of the saddest fucking things I've ever seen in my life was like, these people, they were born into such wealth. Like, one of them was they. They were part of the Johnson and Johnson family, which I think a lot of people don't know what that is, but, like, when I was growing up, everything was made by Johnson and Johnson. I'm sure they got bought out, whatever. But when. I guess when they bought that out, Johnson and Johnson, they built it in that their kids would always just be taken care of and would have a. I don't know, a position in the company. They were just getting money. It's this fucking beast that Johnson and Johnson built. Just it. The inertia of that fucking thing just tearing through the capitalist economy, right, Was just so big that they just. They just. Like, if they get the skim, remember fucking casino, the skim. The kids still get the skim, and the fucking skim alone, they get a little fucking duffel bag of cash that they don't ever have to work in their life, right? And I. You would think that that be. Dude, that would be the fucking greatest thing ever. That would be the greatest thing ever. And it kind of turned out that it wasn't. I think it would be the greatest thing ever if you actually live the other way first. But even then, I think.

[Unknown Speaker]

I think it would get boring after a while.

[Bill Burr]

Do you think you could do it? I think if you just had enough money where you never had to work again. My thought would be, well, the next big thing in my life is I'm going to die. That's the next eventful thing. I have no deadlines. I have no worries. Oh, man, my. I would get, like, psycho obsessed with, you know, like I do already. But I then, like, my real life takes over. I can play drums. I play drums four hours in, play all time. And then, like, my real life to, hey, you got to go into the writer's room. And then it. It eases it off. Like, if I just was sitting there, like when I was talking to you guys about that building in Manhattan, the one that looks like a giant cigarette something, Park Avenue. And I was like, what in the fuck is that thing? That thing's bigger than the Freedom Tower. And I went back and I looked at those pictures that they have from the. The penthouse in that building. And that bathtub, you know that bathtub everybody has now, it's shaped like. Like the fucking Chicago Bears stadium. You know that one, that freestanding one. It's not on legs like, it's. It's big. The ladies love it, evidently, right? And it's right up on the fucking window. And you can just look out all the way south of Manhattan, past the Statue of Liberty to see the fucking. You know, whenever the Germans come to attack us again, you know this person in the fucking tub is going to see it first, right? Or the Japanese, I should say. I just figured that side of the country, you know, the Germans would be coming, right, with their nuclear weapons. Actually, why would you bring it over here? You just fucking shoot it off, wouldn't you? Anyway, so I was just looking at it. I was just trying to imagine sitting in that tub, taking a bath. That. That would be one of the saddest experiences you could. You could possibly. It looks so lonely. First one I saw, I was like, holy, that's unbelievable. That looks like. Feel like I'm in a helicopter, but you're, like, in a. In a building. But then just being that high up, you can't even hear the city anymore. Just how quiet it would be. You know, you literally. You're getting to that level, that thing that astronauts see, you know, like, the astronauts, they would go out and they would orbit the Earth and they would just look down at it. And they were above all the bullshit, all the politics, all the religion, all the fucking war, all the disease, all the suffering. And they looked down and they were able to see how beautiful it was, the paradise that we actually live in. We just sit here with all this petty shit, and, like, these guys would come back and they couldn't talk to anybody about it. Couldn't give anybody else that perspective unless they talked to a fellow astronaut. So then they would just be, you know, pulling up to a stoplight and they would see something. They would just randomly start crying. I think that would happen if I took a bath. That high above fucking Manhattan and you're just looking out. All right, why don't we ever do the right. You'd be philosophically just saying, why don't we do the right thing? Why are we always like, you can't. That's. That's the. That's the scary thing. That's why all pilots are a little weird. There's something weird about going up there and just looking down at all of it, you know, like a higher being. Then you also get to see what the we're doing to the planet. It's a really. It's a weird thing. And then you combine that with the fact that you're taking a bath. One of the most relaxing Thing ever. Just looking down at this fucking terror. I don't know, I also kind of wonder, like, with global warming, like, what's going to happen, you know? I'm sorry, climate change. I didn't mean to shock you by saying global warming. I hope I didn't ruin your day with those two fucking words. Let me say climate change so you can fucking relax a little bit. Still don't understand why they say that Climate change. It's like when Halliburton changed its name, right? What they changed it to? Peaches and Cream? I can't remember. Anyways, I was just thinking that, like, the more like severe the weather's gonna get, like, what will that mean? You know, like we can expect some crazy storms we've never fucking seen before. I wonder if they took that into consideration when they built that goddamn thing, that all of a sudden, you know, we're going to start getting like, like steroid era, Mark McGuire era, you know, hurricanes, you know, and this is going to be a category 19. And you're up there taking a bath, watching this shit rolling in. You're gonna go right out that fucking window in that tub, all the way down to the fucking pavement. But what a way to go. That porcelain thing. It'd be like the cartoons where you try to get the bath water back into the tub. It would be a hell of a death. I honestly think if there is a God, you know, he would take extra time. He would take extra time with you just being like. Like just watching the game film of your death going. I mean, just being like, you know, I've seen people die since the beginning, man. I. This, this, this is, this is one. This, this is definitely. I never seen this one before. I never seen somebody in a bathtub at 13, 50ft. I don't know. I don't know why I'm obsessed with that building. It's just. I don't know, there was just something about it and the fact that they can't sell the one underneath it. It's the funniest ever. Because who the gonna pay $85 million and still have somebody living above them, go, yeah, you knock it off up there. I mean, what am I paying for here anyways? How about those Red Sox, huh? How about those Red Sox? But you know something? They won. They're undefeated. They won five in a row. Undefeated this month. All right? And I went on the. I went on the old Internet there, right? And I see here, I looked up the standings, the baseball standings. That was the baseball one, right? This week in baseball, if you saw the highlights and actually heard an orchestra playing what I just played or tried to sing, it'd be tremendous. So the Houston Astros evidently are the. Are the beasts of the American League. I was all excited that we swept the White Sox. I just realized that they're 41 and 68. I guess that's not such a big deal. Well, we did what we were supposed to do. We kicked the. Out of a man. We won six in a row, going 8 and 2. The last 10 picked up three games on them. Yankees. You see Aaron Judge 35th home run today. Had the same trajectory as a base hit, except it went out of the park. Telling you, it's like Paul Bunyan coming to the goddamn plate, loving the Indians in first place. That'd be great to see them win one. Let's test my knowledge. All right? Red Sox, Last World Series, 2013, Yankees, 2009, Tampa Bay. Never sit down, shut the fuck up. Baltimore Orioles, 1983. Toronto Blue Jays. They went back to back. 92. 93. Cleveland Indians, 1948. Kansas City Royals, 2015. Last year was the Cubs, right? Minnesota Twins, 1991. Detroit, 1984. Chicago White Sox, 2005. Houston Astros never sit down. Shut the fuck up. Seattle Mariners never sit down. Shut the fuck. This is so childish. Los Angeles Angels, 2002. Texas Rangers. You know it. Never sit down. Shut the Fuck up. Oakland, 89. Washington Centers never sit down. Shut the up. Miami Marlins, was it 2003? Atlanta Braves is 95. New York Mets. Every Red Sox fan knows that's 1986. Philadelphia Phillies, 2008. Cubs, 2016. Milwaukee brewers never sit down, shut the up. St. Louis Cardinals. Oh, I don't know this one. They always win. The thing, was it 2006 or they won it this decade? Pittsburgh Pirates, I don't know. 71. The Reds was 1990. The Dodgers was 88. Colorado Rockies, never. Arizona Diamondbacks, 2001. The one time I ever rooted for the Yankees because it was right after 911, I was like, I don't give a. I root for him. San Diego Padres, Never. San Francisco Giants. I want to say they won it in 2010, 2012, and 2014. Is that right? 15 was the Royals. 16 was the Cubs. Yeah, I'd say 2014. That's not bad for somebody who doesn't watch baseball. Was that boring to you? I'm sorry. Let me.

[Unknown Speaker]

Let me.

[Bill Burr]

Do you know if that was boring enough? Let me get to one of the most exciting parts of this podcast. Listening to me read out loud. All right. Here we go. We got one, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. 1, 2, 3, 4. I was talking to somebody about that the other day. When somebody had a doorbell like that. When I had a paper route when I was a kid, I thought that meant they were rich. If it didn't just go bing bong or Dentist Drill 1. If they actually had the one that went ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. You know what's so weird is they'd answer the door before it ended, and then they're looking at you. All right. Oh, look who's here. But. Oh, Bo. All right, we're done, right? We get through it all. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. 20 minutes to go. 20 minutes to go. I talk about everything I wanted to talk about. Did I mention Paul Verze has a stand up special that all Things comedy network is going to be producing? Our first stand up special. And the buzz on the road is Versie's out there killing it like I knew he was gonna. All right. August 13th at the Tarrytown theater in beautiful Tarrytown, New York. Picturesque Tom Hanks. Fucking sleepless in Seattle. Looking fucking place, right? Me and God damn, this fucking computer fucking screen keeps shutting off. Me and Pete Davidson. Let me get this back on me. There we go. All right. Me and Pete Davidson will be. Will be the sort of the masters of ceremony. We'll be warming you up, going out on stage together, giving each other shit, trying out new jokes, fucking around. I'm gonna try to come out there in between shows. I don't want to slow down the taping, but I will definitely get out there, sign whatever you got, take some pictures or whatever. I'll try to move it along or whatever, you know, whatever I can do to fucking interact. We have a few seats left. I want to sell this thing out. It's a really important night for Paul and the All Things Comedy network, so I'd appreciate it if you got the time you want to listen, listen to, you know, some comedy. Come on down. August 13th. All right, plowing ahead. And I'll be at the Count Basie theater this weekend. Out in Jersey.

[Unknown Speaker]

Out in New Jersey.

[Bill Burr]

Red Bank, New Jersey.

[Unknown Speaker]

Which is really beautiful.

[Bill Burr]

I might go down to Asbury park during the day.

[Unknown Speaker]

I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

[Bill Burr]

Because I usually stay in the city. I think I'm gonna fucking stay somewhere out in Jersey. You know, maybe I'll call fucking. What's his face?

[Unknown Speaker]

Vinnie Brand. Vinnie Brand has a boat.

[Bill Burr]

I'm terrified of the ocean. Gonna go out in the fucking ocean with a goddamn club owner. Why not? All right. Okay, here we go. The probably with North Korea. Dear Ronald McDonald Balls. North Korea is a serious threat to East Asia and now too good a portion of the world. I understand that. So what? So are we. So are we. You know, if you're going to play this game, you know what I mean? Like, like everybody that said the Patriots cheated. If you're going to play that game, then you got to see the cheating that you're doing. Correct. Am I nuts here? Am I crazy? Yes. The missile test the other day was a ballistic missile, but they can put a nuclear weapon on it as well. Okay, so can we. We already. We already have ours ready to go. Their latest test puts Most of the U.S. all of Europe and a good portion of Africa within range of their weapons. Yes, and all of those places are in range of our weapons and Russia's weapons. So, you know, I mean, look, I'm not saying it's great that this guy has this fucking thing, but just imagine if he had what we had. What the fuck would we be doing? Wouldn't we be doing the same fucking thing? Well, we got to get some stuff. He ha's making that shit because we got our shit, right? It's like when the Yankees started spending 200 million fucking dollars, the Red Sox had to spend 190. That's what happens. That's what happens. And if they are actually able to successfully launch from a submarine as they are attempting to do this, this not only increases the range, but can potentially dramatically increase the amount of time we have to respond. If they were to launch a missile, well, what would happen, sir? Listen, everybody knows there's no end game to this shit, okay? It's gonna. It's gonna be over. We would have time to respond. Don't you remember? What the fuck was it? War games. I can't believe how seriously people are fucking taking this shit. Like, I don't think this guy's out of his fucking mind in North Korea, all right? I'm just so fucking sick of. Of. Of having to turn on the TV and have somebody has to try this. Like news now is just scare the shit out of somebody and offer no fucking solutions. And then normal people just sit there screaming at each other to the point that this fucking dope is taking the time to turn my podcast, which is supposed to be a break from all of that shit, which is why I just say silly shit about it. You're turning this in to meet the press? If that fucking asshole shoots one off point it right at my house because I don't want to survive it. I don't give a fuck, all right? We have no one to blame but ourselves. We're fucking defective. If human beings were cars, we would all be recalled. All right? We do not handle position of power well, and this is what the fuck happens. All right? We're fearful fucking lunatics who for some stupid reason were given the ability to fucking intimidate nerds so they would build all this shit for us. And now here we are. Here we are. All right. All right. North Korea also has the highest percentage of slaves in the world. Fully. Like you care, sir. Like you give a shit. Fully 4.4% of its population is enslaved. That is approximately 1.1 million, sir. I am on an Apple fucking computer right now. And I'm sure you typed yours on an Apple computer, too. Those people are jumping out of the factory. They're. They're fucking slaves. All the shit that I'm wearing was made in sweatshops. Like, what are we doing now? Now we're going to fudge the fucking numbers. So these people look like they're out of their minds, but everybody else is fucking. Okay. This is like. Countries are like community colleges where they will figure out what they're number one in so they can fucking put it in their pamphlet. Okay, let's read some more fucking depressing information. This is why I don't watch the news today. And that doesn't even mention the network of concentration cramps across the nation and the people getting less than subs, less than subsistence levels of daily calories. Well, I mean, they're also not allowed to trade with anybody, are they? You know, they really can't get their shit going, right? I mean, part of that is us trying to force them into giving in to get Forever 21s and Starbucks there. Isn't that right? I mean, I might be wrong, sir. I fucking watch sports. I watch sports. I listen to music, okay? I block all this shit out. So I'm sure I mispronounced some words here to put that into perspective. About 388,000 slaves were shipped to North America from 1525 to 1866. It's obviously a huge issue. Well, how do you. How do you put that in perspective without telling me what the population of Korea is? And also 388,000 people back in between 1525 and 1866 was a way more significant portion of the population than it is today. Correct? So I don't know what you're saying. There Sir. But I do know that whenever we have an issue with the country, all of a sudden we pretend to care about its people. Unfortunately, there isn't any easy solution to the problem. Even if China withdraws their support and the regime collapses, you're still looking at a potential civil war in a nation with nuclear weapons. Let's just hope people smarter than you or I can find a different solution to the problem. They won't. There's only one solution. Got to go in there and get them. Keep up the good work. I love hearing you talk about how awesome it is to be a parent instead of constant talk about how hard it is as a dad of two boys. There are obviously days when I feel like ripping out what little hair I have left, but the vast, vast majority of the time is just awesome. Look at this. He was actually just informing me, and I got all fucking defensive because all this week people said that I said nuclear instead of nuclear. Yes, sir. I realize he's out of his fucking mind. I realize that person's out of his fucking mind. Mind. The guy before him, his dad was out of his fucking mind, okay? Trump is out of his fucking mind. I'm out of my mind, okay? Nobody should have weapons other than your fucking fists and whatever you can grab in the kitchen. That's ideally, that's what that would be better. All right. I think I don't understand why war is legal, but it is. So this is the game that we play with each other, and it is fucking inevitable that one day somebody is going to go, martin Sheen, dead zone. And what are you going to do, you know? See, people, this is why I have all four sports packages. Because I don't want to know about this shit. I don't want to fucking sit here and watch the news and have them scare the living shit out of me that now this is gonna happen, you know, and some fly's gonna bite me, and then I'm gonna have a baby with a little head. Somebody else is gonna fucking blow me up. Yeah, just. I just. Yeah, I, I, I, I don't wanna, I don't wanna talk about this. Okay. Try to keep it light on the podcast here. Let's just make. Let's just laugh at me not being able to pronounce words. Don't bring actual facts into this podcast. All right? Girls softball team. Hey there, Billy. Batting glove. Did you hear about the girls softball team that was removed from the World Series because of a picture of some of the players flicking off the camera on social media? One of the girls on the team is the daughter of a family friend. It's fucking brutal. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't know.

[Unknown Speaker]

What.

[Bill Burr]

I don't understand social media. I'm kind of over it, other than for business purposes. I don't. Just don't think it's a good thing. That should have just been a funny picture that they all took shared amongst themselves, but now you upload it and everybody sees it and you know somebody's going to get offended. Let me guess. Were they the best? Were they probably with the number one seed? This sounds like one of those Bad News Bears things. They were removed from the World Series. Well. Well, you know how. You know how people are. They try to make money. They make money off that World Series. Is it a national thing? I don't know. It's like the Colin Kaepernick thing. Everybody's fucking flipping out and immediately thinking that this guy's not getting hired because of racism. It's like the NFL is a fucking corporation. Okay? You know what they give a fuck about? Money. Now, look, if he was trying to get a coaching job or own a team, then, yeah, I would say racism would be more obvious. But, like, what he does. Most of the league is black doing okay. Their thing is they're such cheap fucking cunts, they would rather lose a fucking game. They probably have an algorithm going like, okay, if we get this guy and he wins a few more games, how many jerseys will we sell versus the amount of people who won't buy a jersey because we signed this guy? And I swear to God, if. If we'll sell a fucking jersey less by signing a guy who would actually make us a better fucking team, I swear, they will decide not to sign the guy. I don't. I'm not saying there isn't racism involved, but it's really. It's fucking economics. And what these fucking corporations try to do is they. They don't want any bullshit. They want smooth fucking water. That's what they want. Everybody fucking just toe the fucking line. That's what they want. And I'll tell you, all these fucking groups that are trying to make change know that shit. Which is why they always complain to the advertisers. Because the advertisers will then pull sponsorship from TV shows. They'll do it from fucking podcasts. Everybody knows that. So the NFL is a corporation, so that's what they're doing. I don't know what the fuck league these girls are in, but I'm sure they have some sort of Stupid conduct thing that they're trying to, you know, trying to uphold. Yeah, it's fucking stupid. It's also fucking stupid to upload that picture. I mean, how many of these dumb stories are you going to see where people get offended by absolutely nothing and then something happens, right? Uh, that's unfortunate. It's unfortunate. All right, Trent Rezna. This is, like a way more serious podcast than I ever want to do. I don't know. I don't know why I have to do it. I'm going to just start making up shit here. I try to read the news, but it's just all depressing. Although the funny one was all this shit coming out about Lady Diana. Now I just don't understand how new evidence, 20 years later, they're finding. They found out that fucking. She was listening to Prince Charles jerking off, talking to some other lady on a toilet. Did somebody have that tape for fucking 20 years going, hey, dude, listen to this. I swear to God, don't tell anybody I have this. I'm going to release it when the time is right. And then you just hear the echoing sound of Prince Charles going, right, I'm gonna put in your ass. Your arse. All right? Trent Reznor article. A Billy boy. Billy boy. Thought you could relate to this. Trent Reznor talks about what it's like to meet his parents. Kids. You meant to say his kids. Parents. While having a body of work with lyrics like, I want to fuck you like an animal. Yeah, I read that article. But never underestimate the power of celebrity. And especially, I don't know, he's an older dad, so maybe they don't even know what his fucking music is. But, you know, I wouldn't give a shit. I sang. I downloaded that fucking song. I fucking loved his stuff. That shit came out, like, that album. Blew my fucking mind. And I'd be like, that's Trent fucking Rezno. Hey, sweetheart, that's Trent fucking Reznor. I wouldn't give a shit, you know? But it's got to be weird. But then there's, of course, the people that don't like it. You know, the people that are at, like, the 4H club, you know, what are you gonna do? He wanted to fuck someone like an animal, and he expressed it. All right. Caught girlfriend cheating after joining the military, and I legally can't leave her. What? She's your girlfriend? All right. Dear Billy Bald Balls. These are good this week. You guys Usually, you know, lately there's been a little drought. These are fucking funny. This Week. All right. Greetings from Scotland. Recently, I quit my well paying job to join the British Royal Marines. My girlfriend of four years was very hesitant and didn't want me to leave, but it had been a dream of mine since I was 14. I sat her down a week before leaving and gave her the opportunity to separate. Wait. My girlfriend of four years was very hesitant and didn't want me to leave, but had been dream of mine since I was 14. Okay. I sat down with her a week before leaving and gave her the opportunity to separate on good terms and maybe continue our relationship when I had finished my mandatory four years service. But if we stayed together. But if we stayed together and she cheated, she would be dead to me. I'm half Sicilian, by the way. She chose to stay. The fact that you were giving her the option to leave, I mean, how much do you give a shit about this woman? I was in for just over four weeks and fell during a run and a six' six monster of a guy stood on my leg, breaking my tibia in two places. Oh, fuck. I was given the choice of staying in medical custody on base and rejoining training when I had healed or leaving for a year. I chose to leave so I could spend more time with my girlfriend. Oh. Oh. I thought it would be a nice surprise to not tell her I was coming home. Oh, Jesus. I arrived home around 9pm on Thursday. Oh my God. To find my girl. Oh, Jesus. Choking on some guy's dick. Wow. So what did you do? Did you throw your fucking crutches at him? Naturally, my instinct was to beat the shit out of the guy, but I'm not too mobile with a pair of crutches. I forced the two out of my house and kept my promise of your dead to me by changing the locks the next morning and blocking her number and social media accounts. Around two weeks later, I received a letter from a lawyer saying that if I don't take her back, she can legally take half of all my assets, including the house my mother left me in her will because we had been together for more than two years. What? I thought you had to be married, but lo and behold, the British justice system does me another solid. I could understand if I was away on tour from nine months and she cheated, but four weeks. Fucking four weeks. You got to be fucking kidding me. Should I just take the loss and leave this dumb whore? Or do I take her back and try to forget the fact that she took the first opportunity she had to jump on? Jump another guy's bone. Your bones. Your Input would be great and maybe can put a funny twist on this fucked up opportunity for your listeners. Dude, you need to get a fucking lawyer. You need to get that bitch out of your life and get a fucking lawyer. That's what you need to do. All right? That's one of the dumbest laws I've ever heard in my life. And that's going to cause. That's gonna cause people to make some really fucked up decisions if someone can screw them that fucking bad. All right? Over here, statutory, not statutory rape. What is it? What is it? What is the fucking law? When you've been. You're legally married, not squatters rights.

[Unknown Speaker]

What the fuck is it?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know. Over here, it's like you got to be living with somebody for like seven years, depending on the state, and at that point, they considered it's so dumb that she's entitled to half your shit, especially if she's not making any money and you're fucking paying for everything, you know?

[Unknown Speaker]

Ah, it's fucking ridiculous.

[Bill Burr]

What a fucking cunt. You know what I mean? I mean, how many fucking stories do they do out there about men beating women and how awful men are to fucking women, right? Which obviously they got to shine a light on that. But look at this. She's. She's gonna just fucking whore. Who sucked this other guy's dick. Doesn't could care less about taking half of the house that your mother left you. Oh, my God. What a fucking cunt, dude. I would get a lawyer. I would get. Oh, my God. I would get a fucking lawyer. What a fucking piece of shit, dude. Like, I. I don't. I can't even. This is like making me angry that someone could do that to somebody. What kind of a piece of shit. Yeah, the kind of person that fucking blows somebody four weeks after that. But even then, there's plenty of women that would do that. There's plenty of fucking women that would do that when they wouldn't take your fucking house. They were raised right. If they get caught sucking a dick, they go, you know, fair enough. And they leave. Jesus Christ. I would get a lawyer, sir. I would get a lawyer and I would fucking fight this thing. Find some fucking thing. Oh, my God. The advice that I want to give you, I can't say over this because I'll be liable. Okay? And it's like, all right, let me tell. Let me tell a fucking little story here. No, I can't.

[Unknown Speaker]

I can't do it. I can't tell the story because I'll get in Trouble.

[Bill Burr]

I won't, sir. You know what? I would get a lawyer and handle it legally. Don't do anything. Anything fucking crazy, all right? Jesus Christ. What a cunt. Dude, I'll tell you right there, man. You. You met one for the ages. That's a first ballot hall of fame cunt if I ever fucking heard of one. Good Lord, I could see if she caught you and then out of vindictiveness, then did that, that, you know, they'd be like, well, you know, what the fuck? But she's gonna do that and then take half your fucking house. And you know what kills me? When she tells the story. She. I'm not saying she'll play the. She won't be in the wrong. I mean, that's a fucking psychopath. Thank God you didn't breed with her, man. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus Christ. Well, you know what? Thank you for your service, sir. You know what? These whores can take everything you got and there's nothing you can fucking do about it. That's how the laws are set up. And I got to be honest with you, dude, you know, worst case scenario, if she takes you half your house and half the shit, even still considering what the fuck they can do to you, you actually got off easy. Easier than a lot of guys did. But Jesus Christ, can I apologize for this podcast? I don't want to get involved in world politics. I don't want to talk about North Korea. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You know what I mean? And for the 18 people that are going to take any of this shit fucking seriously, I don't give a shit. Let's just keep it to correcting my fucking spel, shall we? I'm going to end this podcast on an upbeat Note. It's Joe DeRose's birthday today, and God damn it, he's coming home from Amsterdam. I'm go, happy birthday, Joey Roses. Happy birthday, Joey Roses over there. I can't even. I can't sing the song. If you ever heard this songs we sing to each other. I mean, just. I'm trying to think of a group that wouldn't be offended by it. Well, I know the one group in particular I literally can't even sing in. The fuck. This just. Whole thing just went off the fucking rails. This whole podcast went off the rails because that was one. That was such a fucking. Do you know what I did, you know, because I've been stuck in the writers room and I haven't been going out and doing stand up and Seeing people and having stories to tell you. What I do before I get on the podcast now is I just click on Google News and it's just the most horrific shit. You know that ride that broke in Ohio? 18 year old kid died. Kid was born in 1999. Died going to a fucking amusement park. Somebody blew up a mosque, tried to in Minneapolis. I don't understand how people sit there and they watch CNN and Fox and all that and just like, what does it do for you to stay informed? I'd have a. I don't know what I'd be. I didn't want to say it. I want to say the fuck I would be doing. I. It's not fun anymore. I got it. You know what I got to do? I'm going to watch. I promise you guys, I'm just going to watch sports between now and Thursday and I'm going to do something. I'm going to go to a mall or something. I'll just make fun of fat people when I get back. I apologize for the heaviness of this podcast. All right, Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Over there.

[C]

Saying I love you, I do I never knew a chatterbox like you Chatter box, Jenner box Give your heart a chance Chatterbox, chatterbox, chatterbox Speaking of romance, how about sing I love you, I do I never knew a chatterbox like you A chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatterbox like you, like me, like you.