Monday Morning Podcast: Seattle, Ear Pods, Drugs | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-26
Host: Bill Burr
Date: January 9, 2026
Theme: From Seattle reflections and American consumer weirdness to rants about sports, drugs, relationships, and the Illuminati, Bill Burr delivers his signature blend of sarcasm, honesty, and digression. Co-host Paul Versi and guests join for football picks, banter, and listener questions.
Episode Overview
This episode features classic Bill Burr: observational riffs about weird modern life, a breakdown of his trip to Seattle, gripes about consumer culture, critiques of American drug policies, an extended segment on sports—including his NHL arena bucket list—and listener advice questions ranging from relationships to addiction. The second half transitions into sports talk (NFL Wild Card weekend) with Paul Versi and the Anything Better podcast crew, culminating in betting picks, playful banter, and the true spirit of Wild Card weekend.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
Bill's Seattle Experience and Consumer Culture
- Observational Opening (00:24):
- Bill, podcasting from his car before a meeting, sets the everyday tone. He's just back from Seattle, noticing the closure of familiar chains and the weirdness of modern pharmacy security.
- Quote: “We've gotten to a point where you walk into a drugstore and body wash and all this shit—it’s locked up like they’re gold bars. People can't even afford fucking toiletries!” (00:24–01:13)
- Rant on Drugstore Closures, America’s Drug Policy (01:13):
- Jokes about U.S. foreign policy, especially hypocrisy in “protecting” Americans from foreign drugs while domestic corporations poison them with impunity.
- Quote: “Is the United States government like your older brother, walking around going, ‘Hey, you can’t beat the shit out of them, but I can.’” (01:15)
- Alligator Jails & National Absurdities (02:26):
- Satirizes the differences in how immigrants and citizens are treated within the justice system.
- Quote: “If you kill rape person as a citizen, you just go to a regular jail. There’s no alligators.” (02:44)
Coffee Culture, Chipotle, and Freshness Skepticism
- Coffee Credentials (03:28–04:35):
- Bill proposes that anyone opening a coffee shop should prove they can pour a decent espresso—“If it doesn’t taste like the back of a bus muffler, then you can make a latte.”
- Takes shots at big chains: “Pete’s and Starbucks—just as burnt beans. Fucking horrific shit.”
- Chipotle & “Real” Meat (04:35):
- Critiques marketing of “now using real meat” and “fresh ingredients”—“Well, what the fuck were you using before?”
Seattle Hockey, Climate Pledge Arena & Sports Pilgrimages
- Seattle Trip Recap (04:40–11:00)
- Went to a Bruins–Kraken game at “Climate Pledge Arena.” Initially skeptical, but learns it’s genuinely eco-focused (rainwater ice, solar powered).
- Fondly recalls the aesthetics of unique old hockey venues.
- Quote: “It might arguably be the best arena in the National Hockey League to watch a game. …aesthetic, interesting—not like those cookie-cutter arenas.” (07:23–07:55)
- Insights into the game: Kraken's aggressive forecheck, Bruins’ struggles, and Bill’s goal to visit every NHL arena—just two left.
- Teases next targets: Utah Mammoth & Carolina Hurricanes, plus thoughts on crossing off sports bucket list items like the Masters, St Andrews, Tour de France.
Temper, Mushrooms, and Personal Growth
- Progress with Anger (11:00):
- Shares his journey experimenting with mushrooms for anger management and achieving a milestone—40 days without losing his temper.
- Quote: “It’s January 9th. I haven’t lost my temper since probably November 30th... So that’s my sober, like, anger day.” (11:06–11:21)
- Married life observations (“How do you like this new not angry Bill?”), and mentions yoga and journaling as supporting practices.
Technology, Ear Pods & American Hypocrisy
- Wireless Tech Rant (13:57):
- Observes a woman with wired headphones, lampoons the health risks of wireless earbuds, and relates it back to “America-only” hypocrisy.
- Quote: “They’re finally admitting that’s not good for your brain to have wireless headphones… It’s okay, ‘cause it’s American companies doing it to us.” (13:57–14:18)
Parenting, Tour Life, and Quality Time
- Family Time and Sports Parenting (14:18):
- Reflects on playing catch with his daughter, her emerging interest in sports, and the delicate balance of not pushing too far.
- “It’s one of the best things you can do with your kid—you can sit there and talk about their day…”
[Sports Picks Segment: Anything Better Podcast Crossover]
Begins ~ [99:00]
NFL Wild Card Weekend – Picks, Banter & Betting
- Panel: Bill Burr, Paul Versi, Andrew Themlis, “Jake the Snake” (Injury Reporter)
- Tone: Classic locker-room camaraderie, jokes about lifelong fandom, and curmudgeonly gripes about the futility of certain teams.
Notable Sports Moments & Quotes
- Wild Card Weekend Hype:
- “So much is on the table… so many teams just squeaked in. A lot of wild card teams have gotten to AFC and NFC championships!” (98:30)
- Miami’s Seventh-Year QB (101:13):
- “Quarterback of Miami’s in his seventh year of college? I thought I was the only one who did that.” – Paul/Andrew (101:13)
- Defending Player Fights:
- “DK Metcalf is a good person. If a player punches a fan, that means you did something.”
- AirPods and Electric Car Cancer Concerns:
- Jake explores (semi-jokingly, semi-seriously) the potential health risks of constant exposure to EMF from tech and electric cars.
- “Your iPhone, like, earbuds are the worst thing you can stick in your ear… these people have them in all day long.” (140:47)
Betting, Picks & Analysis
- Game-by-game NFL playoff picks, friendly ribbing, and real/fake confidence in their choices.
- Extended jokes and explanations about why a team like the Panthers will “inevitably cover” a huge spread.
- Noteworthy Pick:
- “I hate the half point, but there’s no way during the playoffs I’m gonna pick against the Patriots.” (124:48)
Closing Banter
- Side conversations on city obesity rankings (“Houston, repeating as most obese city—do you know how hard that is to pull off?”), made-up stats, and playful self-deprecation.
- “How do you tell how fat a city is? Free BBQ and see how many people show up.” (133:16)
- Final picks, summary, and sign-off promising a return for next week’s divisional series.
Listener Questions, Life Advice, and Classic Bill
Relationship and Life Advice (throughout 78:00–96:00)
- On Exes: “This is why you don’t stay in contact with ex-girlfriends… they have a sixth sense for when you’re getting over them, then they call and fuck you up all over again.” (86:16)
- To a Chef Considering a Career Change: “How much do you love cooking?… If it’s your dream, you gotta get your wife on the right page. If not, maybe become the electrician with the best cookouts ever.” (78:03)
- High School Romance: “What dating is all about is meeting what you don’t want, then you finally fucking meet the right person.” (89:31)
- On Confronting a Family Member’s Obesity: “Maybe you need to just work on your relationship with her… find out what’s going on, and maybe she brings it up.” (97:04)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “You walk into a drugstore and the body wash is locked up like they’re gold bars.” (00:24)
- “You don’t give our citizens brain cancer—we do.” (14:08)
- “If you open a coffee shop, you should have to pour a single shot of espresso… if it doesn’t taste like the back of a bus muffler, then you can make a latte.” (03:28)
- “Congrats to Ole Miss… with Lane Kiffin leaving, that was amazing. Congratulations University of Miami—quarterback’s in his seventh year!” (15:26)
- “I haven’t lost my temper since November 30th. December 1st, I had my breakthrough.” (11:06)
- “AirPods in all day. It’s like—if my computer and iPad are plugged into the wall—you’re literally just plugged into the wall.” – Jake the Snake (141:13)
- “You know, you always gotta look for the zombies first. I like the old zombies—the ones that walk slow—you had a chance.” (32:44)
- “Shepherd’s Pie—with cauliflower mashed potatoes. I just have to pause as everyone’s going, ‘NO!’” (59:39)
- On AA and addiction: “You’re just some guy that likes to booze whose job and lifestyle allows for it… The bar in the home also means you don’t have a compulsion to drink.” (74:24)
Tone & Style
Bill’s tone is biting but affectionate; plenty of “go fuck yourself” irreverence balanced with moments of genuine vulnerability, especially around anger, parenting, and personal growth. Rants give way to stories, advice, and wide-ranging digressions. The dynamic with Paul Versi and the sports crew is fraternal, loose, and full of in-jokes.
Timestamps of Key Segments
- 00:24: Seattle trip, consumer weirdness, pharmacy rants
- 01:15: U.S. drug hypocrisy and alligator jail
- 03:28: Coffee culture diatribe
- 04:40: Seattle hockey and the Climate Pledge Arena
- 07:55: Riff on sports stadiums and arena design
- 11:06: Bill’s anger management and personal growth
- 14:18: Parenting wins, sports with his daughter
- 17:00: College football, story of Miami’s seventh-year QB
- 35:00+: Extended relationship and listener advice
- 78:00: Addiction, AA, feedback from a Canadian expert
- 99:00+: "Anything Better" sports panel – NFL playoff picks, injury updates, tech rants, city obesity jokes
Final Thoughts
Classic Bill Burr: sharp-eyed, sharp-tongued, and deeply human. The episode weaves together everyday absurdities, big-picture cynicism, and moments of self-reflection, keeping the laughs rolling even as Bill earnestly roots for personal growth and connection. Whether you’re here for sports, social satire, or life advice—you get equal doses, always with a punchline.
"Hang in there, buddy. This is going to be a great year." (31:34)