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Monday Morning Podcast
SNL 50, Organic Food, Shorts in the Winter | Monday Morning Podcast 2-17-25
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Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 17, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going, man? Anyway, I, I got a late call into work today, so I'm doing my podcast and then I'm gonna, I'm gonna get, get to the gym. Oh, Billy in shape. Oh, Billy in shape. I joined a big gay gym. I joined a big gay gym and I'm getting in shape. And you know, every gym is a little gay, but this one is, this one's really gay. And it depends on what hour you go to the level that it is. But I'll tell you something about gay guys. They, they like, no one makes you feel out of shape like a gay guy. Jesus Christ. Everybody at my gym either looks like the Hulk or Baryshnikov. That's what they either look like. They, like, they just got done doing the NFL combine or like they're, they're, I don't know, dancing for Alvin Ailey, whatever that dance school is. And then you got me going in there when I'm in decent shape, but Jesus Christ, I go into that fucking gym, I look like I'm on my 600 pound life. It's definitely a vibe in there, but, you know, it is what it is. It's New York City. It is, it is what it is. So I'm gonna get in there, throw the weights around. It's so funny, man. I do like my fucking 1980s workout. And everybody else now is just, you know, so much younger than me. I don't even know like half the shit that I try to like, look and see, like, you know, what the new exercises are. I try to like, learn. But, you know, everybody at my gym seems to be ragingly homosexual, so I'm afraid to look in their direction that they're going to get the wrong idea, you know, And I don't know how in 2025 to say, no, I'm not gay without it not coming off as homophobic. Not to say there's anything wrong with whatever you're doing in steam room that I can't use but still pay for. But, but anyway, the gym is hilarious. It's a really good gym. It's got all this stuff there, but it's lit like a W hotel, man. It's hilarious. But it is a great gym. I stand by it. I give it five rainbows anyway, plowing ahead here. Oh, what a weekend I had. What a weekend I had all Right. Thursday night, I went out, I did three spots. Bang, bang, boom. Fucking crushed on all three of them. You know, my last. Last time I went up, like, I just felt like they were just sort of laughing because they knew who I was, right? So that's what happens. Once people know who you are as a comedian, you can kind of, like, actually have a bad set, but still kind of do all right. Because they're just like, oh, you. I know you. Are you trying out new jokes? Oh, you will be fucking forgiving. And it's like, you know, you got to do, like, the math, you know, and be like, no, I'm actually bombing right now. But they're appreciating other things that I've done, but they're not appreciating this. They just don't know it. So I couldn't get the car out the mud. I wasn't flowing, and I was like, ah. And I didn't have time to do another set, so I just kind of had to live with that for a few days. So then I went up Thursday night and I was psyched, and it just. I was flowing. I was. I was old Billy Jerk Face again. Old Billy Dumb stuff, you know, just up there talking. And I felt great. The crowds were awesome, and I got to work with some. Some comics that, you know, I've seen or haven't seen and all of that. So it was a good time. And then Friday night, I went to. I went to the Saturday Night Live. 50 years of music, you know, all this wide variety of music and stuff that they've had over the years, and all these amazing performance, which of course I'm going to forget some people. I meant to look up all the fucking names so I wouldn't do this, but anyway, it was just an incredible night. Trying to think of, like, trying to put this whole weekend together. All right, obviously, right out of the gate, the post Nirvana, which was Post Malone fronting Nirvana with all surviving members, including Pat Smear, they absolutely fucking destroyed. And it was right in front of me. I was like. I was like 30ft away from it. And, you know, it's funny is I. I played, you know, I've played along to. Smelled like team spirit and to actually just watch Dave Grohl play that fucking song. I was, like, embarrassed. I was like, oh, my God. Like, I knew I sucked, but Jesus, look at that guy. And the thing about him is if you watch his performance this weekend and you go back 30 something years to when he first played that song on snl, his energy has not dropped off at all. He hasn't lost a fucking step. Remember that guy that played cornerback for the Redskins, Daryl Green? He played all the way into, like, his 40s, and he was still, like, the fastest guy in the NFL. It's like that. Still the same. He didn't look like all, like. You know, a lot of those guys. When you play like that, after a while, you know, you get shoulder problems, you get carpal tunnel. Your back's fucked up. Dude, that guy, I don't know if he went to the day spa or what, but he just. It just. He looked the exact same. Fucking killing it. Fucking killing it. Post Malone sounded great. And then I feel like their bass player, Crist. Dude, that guy's fucking hilarious. Like, I gotta. I don't know. I can't. I can't figure out. He, like. There's so many people that pretend they don't give a fuck. That guy just does not give a fuck in a really good way. First of all, he went bald like a shoe salesman. He never shaved the whole thing to try to make it look like, you know, maybe he knows some jiu jitsu. He didn't. He went bald like fucking Bob Newhart. As a rock star. Doesn't give a fuck. Gets into politics, does all that. Comes back, smashes that show. Nonchalant. I guess I'll be a fucking rock star again. Fucking kills it. The song ends, and he just hands his bass to someone in the crowd and walks off stage during the applause. Dude, Miles Davis would be like, God damn. Speaking of which, Miles Davis, kind of the first punk rocker, you know, he used to turn his back to the fucking crowd, and everybody's like, what the fuck? He's like, what do you mean, what the fuck? I'm listening to the band. All right? You don't matter, right? You sit here and, like, what I'm doing, I'm talking to these guys. Stop interrupting. And you get to enjoy this conversation. That was his whole vibe as a black dude. I don't know if you noticed. He was a black dude his whole life. I don't know why I needed to make that point. But he was doing it in front of, like, that. That. Those older white generations that expected you to be, like, as a black performer, to feel just, you know, thrilled to death that you got to perform in front of a bunch of white people. He's like, no, fuck you. You should be thrilled. I'm the one doing the fucking show, you asshole. Reason number 9,000, 776 to fucking love Miles Davis, anyway. Who else? Bonnie Raitt. She's just a real deal. She fucking killed on my stage. Was, was, was the post Nirvana thing. Mumford and Son. You can't tell me the lead singer of Mumford and Son and Tim Tebow are not related, okay? Not to start that shit again. What else? Devo was on that stage, dude. Cher came out and fucking murdered it wearing the same fucking outfit she wore way back in the day and still looking great, unexpected. And she went on, like, second to last in front of Jack White, who had the. You know, that's one of those things. Like, you don't headline that show. You just go on. Last one of those things. And it's just a thankless job that you have to go on after all of that incredible, like, people just crushing it. And what was I going to say? And he went out and just destroyed. Did the Neil Young rocking in a free free world and then played with that, which is the first time I've ever seen him play it live, even though I've heard it 50 million times at every sporting event. I went to Bad Bunny. I saw who I loved, who for some reason I thought was a dj. I had no idea. I'm fucking old. Miley Cyrus killed it. The whole. I know I'm forgetting people. The whole fucking. The whole show. They just murdered. Oh, speaking of which, I had to give somebody a shout out. You know, I mentioned that I went to. I went to Paul McCartney. Josh. Adam Myers got me the tickets, but he got him from. From Zach Myers from a band called Shinedown. So thank you to Zach, whether you know it or not, you got me tickets to a concert that I will never forget. This is like old Billy Make a Wish. This, like. This has been like my week just seeing all of these incredible, incredible performers. So that was Friday night, and that was in Radio City Music hall, which I had never been in. And it was, you know, gorgeous. I'd never been in. Just absolute, like, Art Deco style, which is one of my favorites. Art Deco and brutalist architecture. For some reason, I somehow got into that hardcore into brutalist architecture. I don't know why. I just. It's, like unsettling. It's. It's, you know, sometimes it's like super. Just super fucking ugly. Like, Government center is a good example of brutalist architecture. And I hate that fucking building. Where I went to school. UMass Boston is brutalist. But then there's other things. Like, when done right, it's incredible. Well, Jesus, Bill, I just described everything. I'll tell you People cooking, when done right, is unbelievable. But if you go somewhere and they don't know how to cook, it's kind of bad. You guys keeping up? Am I going too fast for you? So anyway, and then last night I went to the. The SNL 50 years celebration, and I got to sit in the crowd, and I had no pressure, and I just got to watch all of these people that I was such a huge, huge fan of. And as far as, like, my, like, sort of comedy undergrad and college degree, it started with Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo and all of those guys. It went into the Dennis Miller, you know, John Lovitz, Phil Hartman, Kevin Nealon, all of those guys. Jan Hooks, all of them. Into the Sandler one, you know, with Chris, David Spade, Chris Farley, Chris Rock. And then by then, I was doing, like, stand up and, you know, so I missed a lot of the Will Ferrell stuff, but I would always just hear about it and I would do my best, but I was just always working when. When they were on, so I got to see a lot of people that I couldn't like. I was watching Eddie Murphy doing a sketch. I couldn't believe it. Oh, by the way, Tracy Morgan, singer, singing Astronaut Jones was one of my favorite parts of the. The. The music one. And then there was this woman that came out. Oh, God, I'm gonna forget her name. I don't even know what style music she had. The biggest fucking voice just filling up. I've been meaning to look up her name again and to download her shit. Whatever. I'm old. Anyway, so I went there last night, and it's literally like Paul Simon opens, and he was on the first episode ever. It's Paul Simon, and then Steve Martin does the monologue. I know you guys probably saw this Sandler, who just has a fucking heart of gold, sang this incredible song in the middle, got a standing ovation. I got to see Eddie Murphy do a sketch with Will Ferrell. Oh, God, I'm gonna forget, dude. Meryl Streep crushed. I had no idea she was that funny. She was fucking hilarious with Kate McKinnon. They were killing it, the whole thing. And then it ends in Little Wayne killed with the Roots, and then it closes out with Paul McCartney, who what he played on that show was what he played for the encore the night I saw him. And, oh, you know what was funny was I was sitting in the crowd, you know, and I got to sit next to Eddie Vedder, who got to be one of the nicest, sweetest human beings. I'VE ever met in my life. What a fucking sweetheart of a guy. And I got to tell him that story going like, oh, man, when you guys came out, like, I fucking. I hated you guys. You knocked all my metal bands off the top 10. And he was fucking cracking up. I go, do you know how long it took me to begrudgingly admit how great your band is? He just. He was just cool about. He's just. I was like, I'm glad you came around, or whatever. And he was actually asking, like, what metal bands I listened to. And we got to talk baseball. But, oh, my God, what a sweetheart of a guy. Super, super nice guy. And I got to meet Bonnie Wright really quickly, and that was like, my. My two big, like, rock star freakouts. I had, like, Bonnie Rake was sitting in front of me, and then Eddie Vedder was on the side, and it was just like. It was wild. I couldn't believe I was there. I'll be honest with you. I could not believe I was there. And it went by in, like, two seconds. It was. It really was like a. Like, a perfect show. Robert De Niro came out and did a sketch in Debbie Downer. Yeah, I've forgotten more other legendary shit than I can remember. It was just. It was. It was a perfect, perfect night. Fucking Keith Richards was there. I stood up. I was like, oh, my God. Fucking Keith Richards. It was. You had a Rolling Stone and a Beetle there. I mean, it was just. It was unbelievable. It was unfucking believable. Head spinning. And then I. I went to the show with Keith Robinson, who was, you know, all time great ball buster. So we had a great time just hanging out or whatever. And, you know, he's a super funny dude. You know what's great about Keith is because he's so funny, like, he can appreciate other people's talents. So it was fun being there at the show with him because we were laughing, like, you know, got to be an audience member again. You know, like how I always was. So thank you to everybody over there for getting me a ticket to that thing. I mean, I don't know how the hell I'm gonna top that. So I. I've done. Oh, Billy, make a wish here. I've done so much shit in the first couple of weeks now. I feel like I can finally settle down. I went and I got some. This. This. This is not, like, how fucking lonely I am and why I'm so excited to go home to my family. Like, this is what I did on my Sunday, alone with myself. I roasted Some garlic and I made my own mayonnaise. I'm gonna say that again. I was all by myself. I roasted some garlic and I made my own mayonnaise. And I was. And I gotta be honest with you, I am talking to myself at a level that's even frightening to me. I have had so much fucking alone time. I've been, I've been, you know, I'm much better post mushrooms. You know, mushrooms really help me out that I make sure, you know, I, you know, I went to, I went to a brunch. Look at me. I went to brunch and had a good time and went out to Brooklyn with a friend of mine and we had a great time. And you know, I was just telling, telling him like what Brooklyn used to be like, like you fucking didn't come to this part of Brooklyn. I cannot believe this. Just like walking down to Williamsburg, I go, this looks like hipster Rodeo Drive. Like is expensive out there anyway. Yeah. So, you know, I was trying to find like, you know what's hilarious? You go to these, you know, what's. These health food stores. You go in there and they still have. It just says organic on. Just says zero sugar. And then that says that they added sugar. And then those fucking cunts, they've infiltrated the fda. So, like they're the ones that define what means the people poisoning. You define the definition of organic. They define no added sugar. And they're lying cunts. So I finally reached out to a friend of mine who's a cook, and I said, how the fuck do you make mayonnaise? And she sent me this video of Julia Child black and white video making mayonnaise. And I was like, oh, I can do that. It's three egg yolks, it's salt, mustard seed, and. And then whatever oil you want to use. And that's what I was trying to avoid because all the oils that they were using was this fucking cancer causing shit. And I'm an old dad, right, So I can't have that stuff. So I just made it with some avocado oil, white pepper I put in there, judged it up with a little more salt, didn't think it had enough salt, and mixed it with some tuna with a little bit of celery in it, put it on some, you know, just put it on top of a, you know, some not iceberg lettuce, red, red leaf lettuce. And I had just raw beets on the side. That's how I'm eating. Like I am not around here. I'VE had this, this fucking Covid cunt belly. I said that the other day. I said, I'm gonna get rid of this Covid weight. Someone goes, kobe was a long time ago. And I said, I know, I had a, I had a kid. Well, my wife had a kid. But I was responsible during COVID So like I never got it off. So, you know, it was a lot of stress or whatever and. And then all of a sudden, you know. Yeah. Then I did a movie and I had to edit the movie and figure out how to do that. I just was sitting around and I just could not get it off. I can't get it off. So I am determined this time. So I am like, Billy, no bread, no sugars, none of that shit. And it's kind of fun when you get off of that stuff and you can kind of eat what used to be bland. And all of a sudden the bland flavors start getting turned up. They start feeling, they start tasting good. And so anyway, so I'm gonna go over to my big gay gym. Oh, Billy. Ally. But I know like the times when my gym is like crowded. You can't go there on like Saturday, around 10 or 11 in the morning. All the boys are getting their pump before they, they go out that night. It's like Thunderdome in there. You know, I, I hate having to like wait and all of that, you know. And I'm doing an old man work. I do two sets. Two sets, light fucking weight, you know, just doing the reps so everything doesn't sag down to the floor. That's all I'm trying to do. You know what I mean? Flat stomach, just trying to be tone, right? And it's just, you know, it's a mad house in there. But like Sundays are good because everybody's like hungover, you know, did Molly, whatever the. They do, right? And I can go in there and like, I don't have a. I don't have a problem. So. And then like weekdays if I get like a late call to rehearsal, I can go in there and I can knock it out. But it's a fucking great gym. Really is a great gym. Anyway, plowing ahead, what else did I want to talk about? Oh, oh, Billy. Guitar center. I went in there and I found, I was like, do you guys have any left handed guitars? They're like, you know, I wanted to get like an acoustic. So they had like this little like $350 fucking acoustic. It was funny. They had a $350 guitar or a fucking $4,000 guitar. So I'm like, all right, let me try out both of them. I just want to see what is the difference. I'll be honest with you, I couldn't really tell a difference. The $4,000 one versus the 350$ one felt like a five hundred dollar guitar. 6, 700 bucks. It didn't feel like this. Like this is four grand. I don't feel myself get. I don't feel like I know anything more about music with this ridiculously expensive one. So I got the other one. It was cool. It's got a little plugin and, and I got this thing that my buddy sent me, Dave Kushner, who has a master class of guitar theory shred in the box and all of that stuff. You got to check that out. Davecushner.com he sent me this thing, the Fender tone master. And it doesn't have a speaker, but it has like headphones and you just plug in there and you. It's just with the turn of a dial you get all these different like distortion pedals and. And it's great having like the time of my life. I got this night. I got, you know, I got a halfway decent flat screen TV here at the corporate apartment. I'm staying up in it. I have not had that. I have not watched tv. Like I come home, I, you know, after, after, after my rehearsals, I go to my big gay gym. You know, I try to stay positive about how I look. Right. Maybe that's why so many people are homophobic. Are they really, like, is it really this sex thing or are they just fucking jealous of how good a shape gay guys are in? Oh, shit. It's a big old gay gym and I love it. It's hilarious. I went ahead the other day, you know, like when they fucking, you know when somebody has like the pulleys and that they're working their chest and they're doing the. And then you cross your arms like an X in front of you and then you come back out again. I saw a guy doing that in a crop top. Amazing. Anyway, what else? Yeah, so I've been doing that and getting out, doing some sets and I don't know. The big thing is I'm so excited to see my family this weekend. I cannot wait. Like I am like freaking the out about that. It's going to be awesome. And. Oh God, I can't wait. I cannot wait. So, you know, I got these little breaks here. So FaceTime has been like insane. Like I'm getting this insane. Like, you know, I'm A lunatic. I was saying, you know, I'm one of those dads. I'm like, chasing you around the house, wrestling. Let's go play soccer, shoot some hoops. Let's play some drums, you know, just get in the car, go for a drive, you know. And I was thinking, like, oh, yeah, you know, I'm this fucking great. I mean, that is great. But, like, most reason why I'm doing that is because I can't fucking sit still, you know, as much as the kids like it and everything. And, like. But because, you know, I'm not there. And I just talked to him on FaceTime. It sort of quieted my brain. And I'm having these epic conversations with my daughter and even my son now. You know, it's funny. Like, you know, girls, I just, you know, can talk better. You know, they just can shoot the breeze. And my son is funny. He just always walks up to the screen, you know, puts his face right in it. So I see, like, half his forehead and eyeball and a cheek, and he's just like, dad, when you coming home? He just walks away. So. But I play a game with him that makes him laugh, you know. All right, would you rather have pancakes or waffles? And then they pick, and then you're not allowed to say Pepsi, because I, you know, I hate Pepsi. But I just. I play. I play up how much I hate Pepsi. So every once in a while I'll be like, do you like pancakes or waffles? And I'll go Pepsi. Just to watch me, you know, flip out, put my face up near the screen and act like, you know, I'm arguing a call. I go Earl Weaver on him. You know, he seems to love that. So, anyway, I gotta be honest with you. I was really nervous about this whole thing about being away from my family and everything. And it's actually been really good. And my wife has been crushing it. And we have all these built in, like, visits and everything. So I'll never go more than a couple of weeks without seeing them. So it's gonna be. We're gonna pull it off. We're gonna pull it off. So I'm very excited about that. All right, and with that, let me do some of the. Some of the reads here for the week. Let's see, what do I got here? Oh, simply safe, everybody. You know, every 26 seconds, a burglary takes place in the United States. According to FBI data, that means by the time this podcast ends, dozens of homes will have been targeted. They're coming in to Eat your dogs. Protect your home before it's too late. With Simplisafe's proactive secure system, Simply Safe helps to stop threats before they even have the chance to break in. Traditional security systems only take action after someone has already broken in. 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We got to get, you know, all of us regular thinking people, okay? We got to bring the boiling water down to a nice little simmer here, all right? Fuck all these lunatics on the left. Fuck all these lunatics on the far right. Right, the far left and far right, okay? Have got this here. You need. You need to be a calming force. Help out your neighbor. Just bring a good vibe into the coffee shop. Make the person making your coffee smile. Just you, you. Just because we're living in this fucking lunatic time of the last, I don't know, 10 years of psycho left and psycho right doesn't mean it has to affect your vibe. You can still go out and be a cool person. You know what you can do? You have the power to do. You can, like every state in your country, especially the ones you've never been to. Don't let someone else make your mind up about what a state is or isn't. I've been to a mall. I've had a great time, and every single one of them. I've never gone to a state and been like, this state sucks. Unless I went there with a predetermined when I was younger attitude like, oh, fuck, I'm going out to this place. This place is gonna suck. But once I started going out there being like, no, I'm gonna have a good fucking time. I started going to sporting events when I was on the road and I started doing this thing, you know, I finally woke up, be like, there's no way people would live here if it sucked, you know, or even if it's going through a bad economic downturn. It's not these people's fault, and they're people, so they're gonna want to have fun somewhere. What do they do to have fun? And that's when it all fucking turned around, and I was like, oh, all right. You can have fun wherever you are and everybody's fucking cool. Wouldn't that be better? Can you imagine if Democrats, Republicans just said that? Imagine they just said that. Wouldn't that be fun? Instead of stirring Everybody up every five fucking seconds? All right, Ms. Sandri. Ms. Andri. Dear Bill, in the latest podcast of the Monday morning podcast, you mentioned there is a word for the opposite of misogyny where women hate men, but couldn't recall what it was, other than the fact it starts with M. It's missandry, incidentally. Initially I commented on the episode in Spotify just the word missandry. 24 hours later, it's still pending review. Like It's a curse word. Wow. Lesson learned. I'll just email you instead from now on. Thanks for always being there when I need you. You can't even write the word missandry. I'll tell you what's funny. I made fun of the fucking Twitter guy for fucking sieg hiling not once, but twice. And I never look at my emails. I was scrolling through my emails and it said my Twitter account had been flagged for inappropriate. I don't even tweet anymore. It'd been flagged for what? A fucking baby. Just like Hitler. A fucking baby. Because that's another thing. All of these people that are into fucking Hitler. You know what I mean? And like. Like, look at this guy. Like he was some sort of fucking hero. The guy's one of the biggest fucking cowards ever. All the pain and all the suffering that that guy's caused and the war crimes the Allies had to commit. Firebombing fucking cities to get that motherfucker. When it came time for him to pay the price for all the suffering he caused. Millions and millions and millions of people. Did he face the music? Nope. He gave himself a nice, quick, painless fucking death. That's your fucking hero. Fucking coward is what he was. Should have faced the fucking music and he didn't. Anyway, this is the world we live in where you got to remind people that that guy was a bad guy that destroyed millions of people's lives, families, and his own country. His own countrymen paid the price for what he did. He fucking. He. This is another thing, too. Oh, that guy went straight to hell. It's like, how does he go straight to hell? What does God say about that? He made that guy, right. I just don't understand that. Like, how he gets absolved of that. God created everything. Yes, Including Adolf Hitler. He really did create us in his image. Like us. He is also not perfect. He. He goes down looking every once in a while. All right, Beatles, B sides. How about the fact that the Twitter guy is. He's not even from here. He's from South Africa. He comes to this country and wants to turn it into a fucking dictatorship. He doesn't feel that we deserve democracy. Can you just imagine doing that? Going to another country and just deciding, yeah, you know what? I'm going to change this form of government because I've decided, yeah, he doesn't mind living under a dictatorship as long as he's on the good side of it. Fucking laminated face cunt. Hey. Oh, now what are you gonna do? Re flag my Account. Hey, oh blah Billy D. Oh, blah Billy D. Oh, blah blee. Duh. All right. Next time you need some music, pull up a Beatles album and listen to the B sides. There are so many good tracks like the one you. Dude. Andrew. Last week's Fixing a hole. Example of McCartney. McCartney tune. That's kind of quirky. Yeah. That just. Yeah, I want to say I've heard all of this stuff. I'll listen to that. Maybe I'll listen to that when I go to the gym here. Get my fucking. My Beatles fix here. B sides. It's kind of hard to fucking work out to the Beatles, though. You know, trying to bench press once there was a way to get back home again. I'd like to go home, have a fucking peanut butter and chili sandwich instead of finishing these last reps. There are so many good things. So, so many good songs that have strange arrangements and arrangements and chord progressions that shouldn't work as well as they do but end up being really inspiring. You know what I was doing the other day, speaking of that, I was fucking around just with, like, major chords and lifting a finger off or adding one and just getting these different sounds. And I ended up figuring out a little of the beginning of Ten Years Gone by Led Zeppelin. It's just an A. Fucking around with an A and moving it up a little bit and then just picking the strings. And I was so fucking excited. Then I couldn't figure out the rest. And I went on YouTube and that's why I'm a comedian. There are so many good songs. Okay. One of the things I've been doing lately is going back to all the albums I had on CD in the 90s. Certain albums I would listen to every track, but a few, I only stuck to the hit or hits because they didn't play as well for a sixth grader, but are enjoyable now. Isn't that the truth? Thanks and go fuck yourself. That's one of my favorite things to do is, you know, go back and like, whatever, like, song I like. Like, maybe I like one song from an artist and I think, well, they wrote that song during that period. I wonder what that album sounds like. And then you go to Apple, and then for whatever fucking reason, every album now has to be like an hour and 15 minutes long with all these bonus, bonus tracks and. And different takes of. It's just like, I. I don't need all of this. The artists didn't want all of this put out. They just wanted this. I don't need all of this extra music So I really try to make sure, like, you just get the original how the label wanted it. Because the label was also like, we're not putting all this out. You know, anywhere from 35 to 42 minutes, that's a album. Get in and get out. Leave them wanting more. They want more, they'll go. See you in concert when you tour. Anyway, so what was I gonna say? Oh, God. I started a little debate here while I was making fun of people. They wear shorts the wintertime, which nobody wore shorts in the wintertime when I was growing. That started somewhere in the 2000s. And I know people ran hot back in the day, so I don't know what was going on. Anyway. Hey, Billy. Hey there, Billy ball sweat. Fatty McBeard here. And I wear shorts in the winter. It usually depends on windchill and if it's sunny or not. But I'm. I. But ultimately, I hate wearing pants. I'm a fat mailman. £210, I guess, is past. Bad day, dad. Bad bod. Fuck, dude, I got some form of dyslexia. And the letters don't move around, but the words do. 210 pounds, I guess, is past dad bod limits. Yeah. Just to let you know what I learned, going to the doctor is 30 pounds over your weight is you're obese. So I would have to know how tall you are. Had a lady on the route come up to me once in winter and said in a sarcastic tone, guess you run hot. She knelt down and touched my calf and said, oh, damn, you do gross. I said, well. Well, yeah, I walk about 10 miles a day. The hell do you expect weirdest shit to just touch a stranger at all, let alone someone's legs? Yeah, 100%. 100%. I've been there. Try having a bald head. People just touch it. I do run hot. And blast the AC after 75 degrees. All right, you're doing your part for global warming. Summers are good for short skirts and fireworks. That's fucking it. Love you, muchacho. And go fuck yourself. Yeah, all right. I mean, all right. I should have. Okay. I guess if you're working outside. You know what I mean? I'm just talking about. People just walk into a bar and they show up wearing shorts, and then we have to all suffer through the oh, my God, you're wearing shorts. That's stupid conversation every time. I don't know. I just. Like I said, I grew up around narcissists, so I'm always, like, hypersensitive to, like, you know, that Type of, you know, I don't like the Beatles. You don't like the Beatles. How can you not like them? You know, like those. I don't like what everybody likes. However, I do like what everybody hates. You ever been in a bar with that person and you just won't just watch it? It's an amazing thing to do. And you see the circle, the focus never leaves that person. And at first you're thinking, like, all right, well, maybe this person. Wow, they're interesting. They're wired differently. They have different tastes than the mainstream. You know, this person's thinking outside the box. But after, like, you know, the 47th, 48th fucking thing in a row, no, I like a little mold on my cottage cheese. What? You start to figure it out. Like, oh, no, you just like people talking to you. All right. Men at work in shorts. Dear B I L L Cool Jizz. I don't get that one. Men at work. Be good. Be good. Is that B I L L? No. B I L L Cool jizz. Men at work. All right, this be good. Johnny Vegemite sandwich. How does that one go? I come from a land down under. I don't know how to. I don't know what you're trying to do there, but I know it's a good joke. It's just. It's over my head here. You want to tell me who the fuck decided it was acceptable for the young men of this country to show up to work wearing women's shorts? I don't know. I mean, it all started with dress Down Fridays. That was the end of fucking class in this country. The ones that are cut so you can see the bottom of the butt cheek. What? We're in a factory, for Christ's sake. Twenty years ago, everyone showed up to work wearing work clothes. Go home wearing dirty work clothes. By 10am Most of us were covered in grease, grinding grit, metal chips or chemicals. Now they show up to work wearing cozy pajama bottoms. Isn't that nervous? Nervous? Isn't that, like, dangerous to fucking wear loose clothing around machinery? It's funny I said nervous, was my homophobia coming out. This guy's wearing fucking pajama hot pants. Making me a little nervous there. Now they show up, okay, wearing Bubba cozy pajama bottoms or technical exercising gear and sit around staring at their phones all day recovering from their workout? Why am I forced to not only do your job but also look at your bare thighs while I'm doing it? Hey, Bill. Oh, Billy. Back in my day, tell me when it became Acceptable for men to get thigh tattoos and display them in public. Which is gayer? Which is gayer? The pistol on the front of the thigh or the matching trees inside of ovals on the back of the thigh bones. Fuck all of them with their temperature regulated sperms and go fuck yourself because this generation is fucked. Don't even get me started on the cowboy boots. Yeah, well, you know something, all right, as far as the dress, I feel like that started with dress down Fridays and then after like Covid, so many people are like working from home or working from home. Then I just think it became even more casual. And then as far as like all this like wildly like gay ways that straight men dress now and paint their nails and shit, I think that always existed, it just was suppressed. Like back then you couldn't do that. So what you're really seeing now is that like. Cause when we were growing up, you were either gay or straight. And now you're seeing like, no, there's this whole fucking spectrum. So I don't know, like, I was always of the fact I was always of the school that you're going to work and you dress in a way like you shouldn't be going to work with your fucking butt cheeks hanging out. Regardless, man, woman or anything, you know, works, not going to be getting done if people are doing that, okay? You come, you come to work. Especially if you're working in a fucking factory. You dress like you're going to work in a goddamn factory. All right? You want to express yourself, do it after. Fuck, we're here to do a goddamn job, right? So there should be, you know, there's like an overcorrection. So what you have to understand is our generation, you know, if you think this generation is fucked, that's because of our generation and the generations before we created this suppressed environment that when it finally gets let out, you know, it's like this explosion, you know, like blood splatter, you know, an emergency and it goes all over the walls and the ceiling. So it's going to be blown out a little bit before it gets reeled back in. There's always an overcorrection before the correction. So we're in a little overcorrection, you know, I don't think you should be wearing pajamas to work. If I was, if that was my job, I'd be like, dude, like, do you want to take a nap or did you come here to fucking work? You know? And I don't give a fuck what your affliction is and all your issues and what you're traumatized by and all of that, that's for you on your own time, okay? You think I don't have fucking trauma? You suppress it for eight hours. You come in here, we get the fucking job done, we all get paid, and then we go home. And then you can fucking, you know, do whatever the hell you want to do. I think that's okay, right? I don't mind if you come to work with your nails painted, but, you know, put your booty cheeks away. That's a nice compromise, right? You're around heavy machinery, for God's sakes. Anyway, Father of Tom Girl Dear Billy. Twice times I started to write a whole rant about how adults keep fucking with children and don't let them grow up without constantly prodding them with adult issues. But I would agree with that. Or you politicize your kid. I remember going, one time I was voting right, and I saw some like, little girl there, four or five years old, and she had a T shirt on that said the future is feminine. You know, like that was her. Her thought. It's like, no, your. Your parents are politicizing. You can't that kid just fucking, you know, run around with like a fucking Mighty Mouse, a Tom and Jerry show, whatever the fucking kids are watching today. Paw Patrol. I recall you saying on a podcast that your daughters have some of the same opinions about things like wearing a dress as my daughter. I'm choosing to do the only thing to which is just to let my daughter grow up and make her own choices. Yeah, as long as she's my. Yeah, as long as I'm making choices that aren't going to hurt them if they're deciding that they're going to try to jump down all the stairs. I'm going to stop that if I'm there because there's this other side of like, you know, people talking about, like, how you don't see kids with broken arms anymore. Like, that's a bad thing. It's like, no, I think that's a good thing. There's nothing wrong. Your kid doesn't need to break a bone to learn something. You know, you got to let him touch the hot stove. My wife is playing basketball in college. This is still the same email and is a striking beauty who's completely feminine. When she was a little girl, she hated girly things, but no one started asking her ridiculous questions a six year old wouldn't be able to answer, like being born in the wrong body and all of that. Yeah, exactly. The kid's six Years old. It's probably just a tomboy. If you look at the statistics, it's way more likely that they're just a tomboy. Don't start making fucking decisions for your kid. You know, way before, you know, they really know what's going on. They say the human brain doesn't fully develop till they're 25. So I wouldn't be doing anything that would be making a permanent fucking change in somebody's body before they fucking really knew. I mean, that's just common sense. But somehow during, you know, these extreme times, that becomes like, oh my God, you're fucking something phobic. I'm like, no, I'm just, you know, doing what feels right. If that's okay with my own kid. Is that all right with you? How are you still liberal if you're telling me what to do with my kid? So we're just going about our lives, raising our daughter to be loving and smart? Yeah, that's great. Here comes the guidance counselor now. My daughter's friend at school was being mean to some girls in her class. The teacher brought my daughter into the guidance counselor, assuming she had something to do with the whole situation. Fair enough. My daughter explained that she had nothing to do with her friend being mean to the and the whole thing was settled and all the kids are fine. Cut to a week later, my daughter tells me the guidance counselor asked her to the office. She asked a lot of normal follow up questions, according to my daughter, to make sure the kids were getting along. Then my daughter tells me that the guidance counselor asked her at the end of the meeting if she had any questions about, and I quote, her body and how she felt in it. Jesus fucking Christ. My daughter comes home and tells us all of this and bless her soul, answered no and proceeded to tell her about how she can almost touch the rim of my kid size hoop on the driveway. Yeah, this is like, you know, you can, that's the thing, it's a six year old. You can put an idea in their head that they didn't have before, like they're wired to please adults. You know what I mean? They run on praise. Now cut to my wife and I, 35 years old, college educated black athlete contemplating why a 60 year old white woman with giant beads around her neck is asking my six year old daughter about her body. Yeah, that's, that's beyond an overstep. Just like the beginning of this email. I'll spare the rant because I think you know where it's going. You can imagine how we Felt. And my problem with this. Yeah. And you know what they thought? They probably just thought you were transphobic. They didn't think that you. That they had crossed a fucking line. That is wildly inappropriate in my world. Did my daughter say anything like that? Did my kids say anything like that? Why are you, like, doing that? You know, what are you gonna do next? Do you have any, you know, do you think you have any addiction issues? You know, when you eat a sugary cereal, do you feel like you can't stop? No, I was just trying to determine if your kid was going to be an alcoholic. Not comparing that to that, but I'm just saying, you know what I mean? It's just like, what the fuck are you doing? The kids were fighting. You figured out how not to make them fight. That's the end of it. Now you got to go in and you're going to do all of this other shit. Maybe the counselor has issues with. With her body or his body or whatever. And then you're going to put it on them. Like I have fucking anger issues. I don't put that on my kids. Do you find yourself yelling at people, you know, when you're driving the car? You don't fucking drive yet. Yeah, I agree with you 100%. You got to let them be kids and all of that stuff later. You know, if it comes out and that's the way they are, you accept them for how they are and you let them figure it out. It's okay to let them figure it out. You don't have to try and figure it out for them. Let them fucking figure it out. That's what everybody does. Everybody has to figure out who the fuck they are, all right? And then all you do is just be cool with somebody figuring it out. But you don't fucking try to help them figure out themselves. You don't even know who the fuck they are and start leading them down a road they didn't even want to be on. That doesn't make any fucking sense. Anyway, my wife wants to go to the school and have a talk with the guidance counselor. I think we should, too. I don't want to ask anyone in my family because I'm pretty sure my wife's mother would go down there herself and pin that hag against the wall. So I'm asking you, Billy the Wise, what should we do? We're definitely speaking to the school. Make sure they don't call her to the guidance counselor ever again. She's never allowed to be alone with my daughter. Yeah, I mean, you're setting up healthy boundaries, and that's your kid. And if that's how you want to raise your kid, that's it. They're there to educate your kid, not to get involved with their sex life or their identity or anything. That's a. I don't know. I think that's wildly inappropriate. You know, I don't want them down there teaching them religious shit. I don't want them down there teaching them politics. I don't need them down there, you know, speaking about sexuality or any of that. Two plus two was four. That. That's what the. You're there for. I'll handle all of this other shit. Yeah, I. Yeah, I. I believe. I mean, I'm still. Of the thing, you know, you don't bring up fucking. You know, you go to a party, you don't fucking bring up politics or religion. You're just gonna lead to, like, arguments, you know? I don't know. I'm also 56, so this is my mindset, you know, So I imagine how. I think there could be some adjustments to go a little more the other way, but, like, that works both ways. So my. My guidance to you. Oh, this is still going. I have a lot of feelings about the racial implications here, which I know will scare the Meryl Streep right out of this woman. I mean, I mean, by this, assuming a little girl who wears a big T shirt is only doing so because she's confused and not because she sees how her uncle dresses or cultural. Or the cultural. Cultural she has no understanding of. Sorry for being long winded. Thanks for the help. All right, what I've learned in these situations, if you're going to go down there and talk to this person, which I think is great, because if somebody's crossing a fucking line with your kid that you don't like, you 100% as a parent, go down and fucking take care of that shit. What I've learned is you just can't lose your cool. You have to stick to the fucking facts. You cannot get emotional. And certainly as a black person talking to somebody white, you know what happens if you lose your fucking temper? Regardless of how much of a the white person's gonna be, it's gonna go back. Oh, the angry black man, the angry black woman. Da, da, da. It's gonna go into that fucking world. So, you know, as always, as a black person, you're gonna have to go an extra fucking 90 yards to keep your cool. Then I would have to. But, like, I would just. You just gotta keep it, like, you know, I would like to discuss this. I would appreciate it if the future. You don't discuss things like that. Okay? I don't feel comfortable with that. You know, I. You know what? Maybe start with the praise. You guys did a great job with the whole bullying thing. It was a fantastic job. I don't want my kid involved in that stuff. I don't want that happen to my kids. So kudos there. All right? However, you know, when you started doing this, you know, asking her if she feels comfortable in her own body, that. I. I don't. God. How do you. How do you. How do you say that? I don't know, but I. I gave you the lead in. I gave you. I gave you the lead in at least. But, like, yeah. So, you know, and if they, like, push back, you're just gonna have to, as always, keep your cool and then just be like, listen, okay? This is my kid. It's not your kid. All right? I respect your opinion. I don't agree with it. So I'm not asking you this. I didn't come down to ask you if you'd stop doing this. I'm telling you to stop doing this. Okay? I've come in here, I'm. Nice, respectable tone. I complimented you when I came in here with your work. I think you're doing a great job. However, like all human beings, we all make mistakes, and what you did with my daughter was a mistake, and I don't want the mistake repeated. Okay? There. There you go. And that's it. That's it. All right. Yeah, that's it. Why is this so hard? Anyways, all right, that is the podcast. All right? So that's it. Don't watch the news. Don't listen to these assholes. Don't let them make your water boil. All right? We got. We got to simmer this thing down. This is not good for the country people. We cannot have states hating other states. We can't let these fucking selfish billionaires who have no affiliation to any sort of political party or ideology. They're just selfish, greedy sociopaths that God, for whatever reason, decided to make for his own fucking entertainment. There's no reason why you have to let them get you all stirred up, all right? We're all on the same team, and with that, go yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.