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Monday Morning Podcast
Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25
01:25:14
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- [00:01]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr.
- [00:03]
Unknown Co-host
It's time for Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and just checking in on you, checking in on you, seeing how your week's going. Are you staying away from the news, man? Starting that. I had a great night last night. Oh, well, good for you, Bill. Glad you had a great fucking night. Why don't you rub it in everybody's faces? I went out and I did a couple of spots. Really? Like the New York Comedy Club on the Lower east side, man, great room, you know, So I went down there and, I don't know, I tried out. I had this new joke I was trying out that I had such hope for, you know, which is always, you know, setting yourself up for disaster when you go on stage. Like, oh, boy, oh, boy. Whoa, wait till they get a load of this one. Turned out the reference I was talking about, people didn't. It hasn't become mainstream yet. So I had to kind of explain what it was, then get into the other thing, which slowed it down on the first show. Then I went over to the Cellar and I found a. I figured out a funny way to explain it. And I can't remember if I did it before or after. I just. I can't remember if I plowed through the joke and then explained it after. I think that's what I did. I don't know. And then I was able to tie something in with that and then tie something else together on something else. And it was. Yeah, it was fantastic. I was psyched, you know, because I've been doing a lot of stand up and you get rusty quick. But I have been going to my big gay gym and. Which has been fucking great. I've been going to that every single day. Just about. I take one day off a week and holy shit. I mean, old Freckles, he let himself go. Like, I am like dropping weight and all of that. And I still sit down on the couch and I can grab two fucking cheeseburgers in the front. Like, doubles too, you know what I mean? Like those Wendy's ones where they just keep stacking them up so. You know, it's funny, I was telling somebody, fuck, man, I gotta drop this way to it. You look great. I'm like, I have a winter coat on. Everybody looks great with a winter coat. I'm still going with the guys wearing shorts. I saw a guy wearing like, like short shorts, like the ones guys used to wear when they ran marathons in the 1980s. Remember those? Like, those like nylon and Then it's cut up like the side a little bit like, you know, oh, behave, right? But what's funny is I see this guy, he's got those short shorts on, but then he has like one of those. You ever see those homeless people, winter coats, like the I sleep outside coats. He's got one of those on and a big fucking hat. So like it's. If you run hot, why don't you just wear a windbreaker? Why does everybody have to look at your stupid man legs as you walk up the goddamn street? It doesn't make any fucking sense. Then I'm thinking like, well, your face is always exposed and your face gets used to it. So maybe their legs do. I don't know. I don't know what it is. I still think a lot of it is like an attention thing or they went on Instagram, you know that, that long haired guy who can like jump into the Arctic Ocean and swim around. And scientists are baffled because he does like this, this alkaline breathing or whatever the fuck it is, and he doesn't freeze to death. And they're sort of baffled by that. And he's like, nah, yeah, I'm alkaline breathing. Like alkaline to me was something that was used when you were talking about a battery. And I don't mean assault and I just mean a battery. And that you put debt you would put into something that needed to be battery operated. See what I just did there? I explained the reference. That's what I have to do in that fucking joke. Did you feel all the momentum, the momentum go out of this fucking podcast? Anyway, so very excited. I have a little bit of a break from rehearsal starting tomorrow, so I'm going to give me a ticket on an aeroplane. Going to play the Wheel of Fortune game. I'm gonna go home and see my family and I cannot fucking wait. I'm hoping they're, they are as excited to see me as I am as excited to see them. That would be a real fucking gut punch if my kids just like, oh, hey man, no, hey, good to see you two pops, you know, but, but I thought everyone cared, you know, that would be brutal. So anyway, I, I'm lifting four times a week and then the other times I'm just doing, walking on a treadmill and doing a little bit of the speed bag there. Oh, Billy, speed bag. I haven't hit one of those things in a long time. I was really like, get that, get that, get that, get that, get it, get it again, get it to get It. A whiff. The whiff is the worst. Get it, get it. A whiff. You feel that jolt of pain in your shoulder. Anyway, so that's, that's, that's basically what I got going on. I've been watching some more 70s car movies. I watched the Driver with Ryan O'Neill and Bruce Dern. Really fun movie. It's just fucking car chases and people fucking being badasses. Bruce Dern plays the cop trying to catch Ryan O'Neill. You know, there's a lot of stiff performances. Bruce Dern's always great, but a lot of like, I think they were trying to do like some minimalist thing that, where they pull it off with Escape from New York. I don't know about this one, but like when I was growing up, the two guys that I thought were the luckiest guys in the world were Lee majors and Ryan O'Neill. Simply because both of them were, were, you know, Lee Majors, was dating Farrah Fawcett first. And there is a picture. Look up if you want to see the most 70s photo. If you want to know what, what like, if you were on top in the 70s, looked like, like how great life could be. Look up Lee Majors, Farrah Fawcett jogging. It's one of the most amazing photos you're ever going to see. It was like the world was like that even for a weekend. It was amazing. They're both fucking tanned up, not worried about skin cancer. Not even remotely. Right. Lee Mages got on the fucking Larry Bird short shorts and then he's got, he has on a matching zip up with no shirt underneath it. And he's doing the macho man thing where he's showing up his tan hairy chest. And then if you watch the driver with Ryan O'Neill, the whole movie, the whole movie, he is walking around with his shirt, you know, buttoned down to his kids, man cleavage. It was called being a macho man. They even wrote a song about it. Macho, macho man. I want to be a macho man. Yes, the times were very, very deep musically. Now that was pop music. There was still a lot of going on. Weather report with Jacob Astoria. Anyway, so what do you follow up watching the driver with? Well, that's easy. I mean, it's a no brainer. I'm watching Corvette Summer with Mark Hamill where he, he cuffs, he finds his Corvette in a junkyard. And this car is beyond fucked up. It's an orange Corvette stingray. The body's made out of fiberglass and it looks like somebody dropped it off a building. And somehow they take the car back to their high school shop class and through donations from the locals, he turns it into like, you know, like today would be $120,000 car, but back then it was probably like 4,500 bucks or whatever, right? And they customize the thing. The car gets stolen. He gets word that it's in Las Vegas. So he's going to go out to Vegas to get his car back. And he meets, and I swear to God, on the road trip out there, he's hitchhiking out there. He meets an aspiring prostitute. One of the best lines in any movie ever, she's like, don't you get it?
- [10:17]
Bill Burr
I'm a hooker.
- [10:23]
Unknown Co-host
This, this is what I'm doing with all of this downtime. The astounding loneliness that I'm experiencing when I'm not working on the play or going out doing stand up spots. Am I doing stand up because I love stand up or am I doing it because I'm fucking lonely? Probably a little bit of both. But in the meantime, I've been, I've been watching these great car movies from the 70s. It's just, they're just fantastic. Seeing cars that just went away. Like the Pontiac Catalina. I remember as a kid, I didn't like the car because I thought the rear end of the car made the car look like it was sad. They had this, they did this thing with the brakes where it was like horizontal and then it wrapped down on the side of the car and it always looked like, you know, like instead of a smiley face, it looked like a frown to me. And I remember telling my mother that when I was a kid, I said, I don't like those cars. She said, why not? I said, because they look sad. And she was like, oh, because it looks like a mouth. And then I was all excited, like, oh, I said a thing and an adult acknowledged it. This is amazing. You know, that didn't happen a lot in the 70s. And if you want to know why it didn't go back to that Lee Majors Farrah Fawcett jogging down the street. That was, that was it. That was all of Instagram, you know, all those videos and clips and everything that you watch on Instagram. What have you got? A post. All of those things where you watch it and so visually stimulating, you like it, but like, you know, somewhere in your chest you start getting this sad, depressed feeling that you're not doing enough or you're, you're not in, you don't have abs or you're whatever The. It is. They're making you feel like, right, yeah. We didn't have social media back then. We had. We had People magazine and like that. And like, these photos, once a week they would come out and all the housewives would be buying up all, you know, everything from People magazine to the Star and the Enquirer. And they were just. Those are, like, tabloid ones for, like, you know, really dumb housewives. And then sort of the elevated housewife would read People magazine, and then the cold, heartless mother would get Time magazine. Those are all generalizations. I'm just saying. I remember. I remember a long time ago, I had an acting gig, you know, and I was working with somebody that was super famous, and this person was reading the National Enquirer. There's a long time ago, like, 20 years ago. It was before social media. And I was like, I can't believe. I can't believe you're reading that. Because, like, all the celebrities hated that thing because they would say all this horrible about him. She goes, yeah, I know. But, like, you know, as much as they stay lie all the time, she goes, they get a lot of stuff, right? She goes, not the stuff about, like, aliens and all of that stuff, but, like, people's relationships. They get that stuff, right? I always found it funny how women follow, like, other people's relationships, you know, like the way men follow sports.
- [14:14]
Bill Burr
And.
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Unknown Co-host
Then they, like, choose sides. I'm on side, so. And so I'm on side. Whatever. It's just like, why do you give a. They're going through a breakup or they're going through a divorce. It's their own, you know, it's got to be painful. It's their own business. What the fuck are you. You know, why don't you watch sports? Gamble away your paycheck on something that is feeling more and more manipulated as the seasons go by, right? Why. Why wouldn't you. Why wouldn't you do that anyhow? So my goal is not to be a fat. And throughout the course of this play, finally take off this. I was sitting the other day, I go, I got. I'm getting this Covid weight off. And somebody goes, Covid. They go, that was a long time ago. I was like. I had a kid during COVID I never got it off. Been walking around. I remember when I turned 50, I was like, I'm going, fucking Sting from the police. In my 50s. I'm gonna be lean and mean. I'm doing fucking yoga every other day. I'm doing this and doing that. And then, like, I Was doing great. I was down to my fighting weight. What's that a reference to? My fighting weight. Bob Pogo on F is for family. My fighting we. Anyway, yeah, I was down to that. And then pap pogo. I haven't thought. Dave Keckner used to kill us when we were going in. When he was going into the. Going into the booth. I remember one time he was reading something that we wrote, and he was. He was being all big when Bob Pogo used to yell and he was in the. The booth, and as he was doing the lines, it looked like he was doing the backstroke, too. He was, like, flailing his house backwards. And we were in there watching him do it. Me and Mike Price and David Richardson, rest his soul. Mark Wilmore, rest his soul. We were all in there dying laughing. Anyway, I got down to my fighting weight, and I. Yeah, that was 2019. Yeah. And then Covid hit and, you know, I was like most people, I was like, all right, this will last a week. All right. This will be two weeks. All right, come on, guys. Let's get it together. Let's stay away from each other. And this thing will burn itself up. Everybody just do what they're saying. Everybody just stay away from each other. And it can't spread, Right? Right. That makes sense, right? Everybody. No. And it just kept going and going and going and going. And I don't know. So how I dealt with it is. I would fucking. I don't know. I just. We. I started hanging out later and later at night with my wife, and I was fucking eating ice cream sandwich. Oh, that's what I did. For some stupid fucking reason, I went down a rabbit hole. And I remember there was this when. When I was a kid, I was living on the east coast, and they had, like. You had milkshakes and you had fraps, which. What was fucking better than that when you were a kid, right? Ice cold sugar right to your fucking brain. And my grandparents lived out in the Midwest, and we went out to the Midwest and we would go to Bob's big boy, and they had malts. They had a mal milk, so they would put malt in it, and it had this great aftertaste. And me and my siblings love these things. So for whatever reason, I don't know what happened, I went down this rabbit hole of reading the history of where the. The frap came from. It came from, like, New Jersey, and then it worked its way up to Massachusetts. All of this and the difference between a malted milkshake and blah, blah, blah, and it just took me back, you know, riding in a Caprice Classic station wagon, road trip, you know, out to Ohio, Illinois, Michigan. We were going all around out there. We kept stopping at these Bob's big boys, and I got a taste for it, so I ended up buying malt. And I went on YouTube and learned how to make a malted milkshake. Like this elevated thing. And. And that was it. I've been a fat ever since. You know, there's a lot of warnings out there about, like, everything from, you know, heroin to vaping, but, like, there's nothing out there to warn you about if you learn how to make your own milkshake at home. I don't know. You know, sometimes I think about that where they talk about how, you know, as you get older, your metabolism slows down, so it's hard enough to keep the weight off. It's like. I don't think that's necessarily what it is. It's part of it, but the other part is you now live on your own. And you own a blender, okay? And there's no one there to tell you to go to bed and to say, no, you already had a cookie today. You're not having another. You're not having a second dessert. God damn it, get upstairs before I give you a Razor Club station. You don't have that anymore, you know, and you're working in a cubicle and this isn't what you dreamed of, and you're still trying to figure out what your dream is, and you're on fucking Instagram and everybody's dreams are coming true, evidently, every two seconds, except for yours, and you're like, what the fuck? And then you look over at your blender and it's over on the counter, like, hey, man, I think there's a reason you never really put me away. Like, you do all the other things in the kitchen. Like, I think there's a reason I'm out here out in the open, man.
- [20:36]
Bill Burr
You.
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Unknown Co-host
We're supposed to. We're supposed to be together, man, making things, man.
- [20:42]
Bill Burr
Right?
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Unknown Co-host
So what do you do? Do you make a fucking smoothie? Which I don't even know if those things are healthy. You got to put like, 40 pieces of fruit in there. Like, how much sugar is that? Why don't you just have one apple? Cuz it's not yummy. I want you to be yummy. That's another thing, too. All of these cunts with this diet that tastes good.
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Bill Burr
Stay.
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Unknown Co-host
Anything that. That says it's going to help you lose weight. And. But it still tastes good. Is fucking nothing but chemicals. I'm convinced of that. So I'm literally to the point. I have salads now with no dressing on it, which is one of the worst things you're ever going to do the first time. But after the third time, you get used to it, and you start to get into what your addiction becomes, is being level rather than the sugar, salt spike, you know what I mean? Like, here we. Three, two, one, lift off. You know that shit. Yeah. And you just have this boundless energy for about 17, 18 minutes before you come crashing down, you know, right at the half hour mark, you're like, what is life even mean?
- [22:05]
Bill Burr
Right?
- [22:07]
Unknown Co-host
I've been trying to avoid all of that shit. So I don't know. It's been going, all right. I made my own mayonnaise. I mean, guys, I don't know what to tell you. I am just fucking the loneliest. I've been like. I used to be able to be this guy, you know, before I fell in love with my wife and had two amazing kids. And, you know. Yeah, I'm glad I've discovered. I was like, all right, I used to do this. I'm German, Irish. I can just wall off the loneliness and just function. And I'm proud to say I can't anymore. I'm lonely, I'm sad. And, yeah, that's where I am. I think I feel like I might be going through menopause. I don't know what this is. Anyway, I had some. Somebody the other day, like, just started telling me what it was like to go through menopause. And I don't even know how we got on the subject, but once this person got going, she wouldn't stop. And you know. You know when someone's just going, and you're not looking at them, you're just sitting there, you know, with your eyebrows up, you know, which is the clear, polite way of saying, okay, I got it. But she wasn't stopping. Like, Charlie in Platoon. Charlie ain't stopping this time. I got a bad feeling that she just kept going. Was sitting in a comedy club, this woman of a particular age started telling me that she was going through menopause and what it was like. And then I had no idea what it was like to go through it. And it's just like, yeah, yeah, I don't. I don't have any idea because I'm a man, so why the fuck I. Obviously, I don't know. Do you know what it's like to fucking throw your back out for the first time when you're 12, because that's what a guy does. And then for the rest of your life they still it's back. It's just a mystery. We really don't know. And then the rest of your life you have a fucking bad back. How many women out there do you meet with a bad back? I bet that's happening more and more now that the nerds at the top are just keeping all the money. Do you ever think we would live in a world like this? Nerds. You just got your asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds. Nerds. How great was John Goodman in Revenge of the Nerds? That guy is so effortlessly amazing. If he's doing drama or comedy. One of them, one of the best, like off camera fucking hilarious things I've seen an actor do. He did in Revenge of the Nerds. He's sitting on this, this stage and he has a starter's pistol because he's going to shoot it. I forget what to start some sort of event. And you know, the other people are talking in the scene and on the master, he's in the shot, sitting there and he had the presence of mind with. He's just looking at the starter's pistol and then he just sort of points it at the floor and closes one eye like he's aiming it. Just looking like the com. The complete, like psycho that his character was. It was such a subtle thing. And I watched that movie so many times when it came out on cable and I missed it, you know, the first four times I saw it. And then one of my, one of my buddies saw it and we just died. You know, we had a VHS tape, rented it from the, the video store. You know, that's another reason why people are so fat. You used to have to go out to the video store, try to get there early and box people out, you know, so you could rent Top Gun before it was sold out. Now you just turn on your fucking tv. I don't know what I want to watch. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. It's like a mall of entertainment. Me just wandering around. I wonder what they're gonna do with mall and storefronts. Like what's that gonna be like in New York City? For the most part, unless you live in like a, like a doorman building. I guess a walk up building is the same way. But like all the buildings that are along the avenues, the ground floor is storefronts. And I'm wondering like, what are we gonna do when all the stores are gone? And one nerd owns the store. I don't know. It's a fucking weird world. But they're nerds. So I feel like, you know, back in the day, like, I mean, how much of a fucking psycho lunatic was, was Joseph Stalin? Well, I guess they never took him out of power, did they? I guess he died of natural people. What did he die of? I can't remember. I don't know. But we took out Hitler, right? You know, it's weird. I don't know what the Emperor of Japan's name was. He doesn't get as much screen time, does he, in Hollywood movies. I should know that one. My only reference over there for psychos is Pol Pot, right? The Killing Fields. Is that what that was? I don't know. Do you think those mass murderers like that? Do you think that they look at other mass murderers the way I look at, like, Richard Pryor and George Carlin? Like, you do your psycho open mics and then you just work your way up. I don't know. All right, anyways, I'm babbling here. All right, that is the podcast. Thank you guys so much for listening. And yeah, I'm going to be psyched when I do the Monday morning podcast because I will have been with my family, which is the best ever. All right, obviously, I'm gonna just say obvious to end this podcast. All right, that is it. Have a great weekend. You can't enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Themless. Then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. I will talk to you on Monday.
- [29:34]
Bill Burr
Need to wear skirt question calling out my name Nothing seems to matter Wish.
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Unknown Co-host
I had a clue.
- [30:01]
Bill Burr
Come on, abuse me more than I can. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 20, 2017. What's going on? How are you? I am recording off of my laptop. If this sounds a little bizarre, I'm in New York City. Came in time to do the Patrice O'Neill benefit, the fifth annual Patrice O'Neill benefit that's going to be going down tomorrow night at the New York City center. And it should be a great time. As you can tell, I'm a little jet lagged. I took a fucking red eye last night. And there was this lady. Know what's hilarious is when you have a kid, if you actually go on the road, the big thing when you go on the road now is not, you know, not the booze, not the cigars, not hanging out with your friends.
- [31:04]
Unknown Co-host
It becomes like, holy shit, I'm going.
- [31:06]
Bill Burr
To get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. So I get on the plane, and this woman, not in my row, but the next row over, she had a little baby, and it was crying.
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Unknown Co-host
And.
- [31:24]
Bill Burr
The dude next to me fell asleep and started snapping, snoring. And I just started laughing. And the poor woman, like, she was traveling alone with this baby, right? And it was a baby, too, maybe a little bit older than mine. This is my first kid, so I can't judge. I don't know if this kid was 2, 3 months. I don't know if it was 26 years old and had that disease that that fucking baby had in the Brad Pitt movie. Remember that? Remember the old baby was just hanging around and, you know, that guy wanted to, like, bang the chick, and he's like, you got to get this old baby out of here because it's weirding me out. Which, you know, I'd like to think that that guy, later on once, his dick wasn't hard and he was thinking clearly again. He probably was thinking, you know, I probably shouldn't have said that. You know, I probably shouldn't have trashed that old baby. That was the name of a band I used to play in, Old Baby. And, you know, we got. We got a record contract and everything, but, you know, lead singer got an appendicitis. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyway, so the baby's fucking crying, and the poor woman, like, she falls asleep, and the baby's, like, freaking out screaming, and she can't hear it because she's, like. She's fucking exhausted. She's got a baby and she's flying with it. So. And I'm sitting there and I'm watching the thing squirming around, and her hands are, like, not really holding it anymore. So now it's like this situation. Like, is this. Is this lady gonna drop that fucking baby? So I'm staring over there. I'm sure other people were looking at me, thinking I was giving her the evil eye because the baby was crying. But I wasn't. I was just. I don't know what the fuck I thought I was gonna do because I still had my seatbelt on, my safety first. Then a baby's. See that? That's why I'll never be a hero. Because what a true hero does is he sees danger and without any sort of self, and he's. And he's safe. You know what I mean? That's, to me, as a Hero. Like, if you're. If you're in a bank, right, and these guys come in with guns and they go to rob the place, and they said, we're gonna blow everybody's fucking brains out. And then you act on that, you're not really a hero to me, okay? Because at no point in that scenario were you safe, all right? You were immediately in the situation. So no matter how you slice it, no matter how many fucking people you saved, at the end of the day, you were motivated to save your own ass. And everybody else getting saved along with you is, you know, it's just collateral damage. I mean, it's positive. But if you're outside the bank, you're like, holy shit, I'm out here. I'm eating a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, you know, getting ready to go for a run, you know, fuel myself up. You stretching your fucking hammies. And all of a sudden, you see you. I don't know, you look at one of those fucking giant bank windows. You see a robbery going down. Then you go in there with your Larry Bird short shorts, right, and fucking try to stop the rob. Then to me, yeah, that's like, you know, I mean, you know, there's like, the hall of Fame, and then there's also, you know, people who literally have, like, their own wing of a hall of fame. Yeah. To me, that's like, you know, that's when you get to your own way. But if you're already in this shit, I don't. Can't remember what the fuck I was talking about. Be honest with you. Yeah, okay. Not a hero, right? So I finally sort of flagged down the stewardess, and she goes, yes, you know, what can I get you? And I said, I think. How the fuck did I say? I said, oh. I said, can that baby fall? And she started laughing because she thought I was being sarcastic. Like, I was upset with the baby crying, and she thought I meant, like, can that baby fall on the ground and shut the fuck up? She was, like, taken aback, but she also laughed, which, to me, immediately made her really cool that she could laugh, thinking that some guy was just being sarcastic, being like, can that baby please fall on the fucking floor of an airplane, knock itself out so I can get some sleep? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I was. I'm concerned that it's gonna fall. So she kind of went over there to make sure the baby was all right. But I don't know. I'm a changed man. My urge was to go over and hold the baby. What's happened to me? I'm becoming a fucking softie. You know, I actually, you know, I told you before, I never got mad at babies crying on airplanes because I always felt they were. They were just expressing exactly what I was feeling. There's no way to get on an airplane. And at some point, you know, unless you're going on some fucking great vacation. But if you're getting on there and, you know, you're going back to see the relatives or it's some business trip or something like that, you know, and you just see some wide body coming down the fucking aisle, and you're praying to God the person's not going to sit next to you, but you know they're gonna. You know, something's gonna fucking happen. It'd probably be really good for you, for your life expectancy, if you had access to your emotions, that you could just break down crying. God, I would love to see. Imagine you got up on a fucking plane and there was just the 300 adults in there just crying like babies. Yeah, that'd probably be a nightmare. But there's a part of me would think that that was awesome. Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So I. I'm telling this fucking story in the wrong way. I actually, yesterday I did. I presented at a Hollywood awards show. Old Freckles, the big fucking phony himself, went all Hollywood, rented a tuxedo, shout out to Mr. Tux on Wilshire Boulevard. Was I gonna say, yeah, I had to. Had to do the present thing, and I just sort of wrote something. And I quickly. When I got to the writer's guilt thing, I immediately was like, wow, I should have not just written what I'm gonna say once. I should have gone over this a bunch of times. So I just was kind of going over it in my fucking head. And, you know, I thought it was just gonna be a bunch of writers, but there was some, like, actors there and shit. Like, Denzel was there and who's the other guy there? James Woods. It was like. I don't know. There was, like serious fucking people there. The thing was, when you go up in front of a bunch of writers, like, no matter what they've accomplished, you don't know what they look like. So you can't get nervous. Like, someone could literally have been sitting there and they wrote the best picture Oscar winner fucking nine years in a row. Or nine years. I know what they look like, but whatever, you know, they could accomplish shit like that. You have no fucking idea who they like. For the whole night, they were just pulling people out of the crowd. And I would be sitting there going, I don't know who this guy is. And then when they would say what the fuck they did, I was like, jesus Christ. So with every person they pulled out of the crowd, like, I don't know, I just felt like the pressure was.
- [38:53]
Unknown Co-host
Getting more and more.
- [38:54]
Bill Burr
And I just kept muttering to myself, this is it. This is it. One and done. I'm never doing one of these fucking things again. This is not. This is not my. This is not my thing. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. This is stupid. These people are smart, they're accomplished. Like. Like this shit, you know, Some of the fucking people in the crowd, the stuff that they do. You know what it takes to write a movie and actually get it made and then get that fucking giant rock up the fucking hill, as opposed to me, who just, hey, here's a shit joke. I think I'll try this. You know, as I'm riding over on the subway to a club. I don't know, it just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And Patton Oswald hosted it. Fucking murdered. His monologue was great. His monologue was so great. I kind of forgot that I had to go up. I was just sitting there as a fan enjoying it. Friend Armisen was there and he went out and somehow gave his credit card information. That's what he did before he said the nominees. And somehow he made that fucking hilarious. And once again, it just made me feel like, why am I here? I shouldn't be here. So I'm finally waiting to go up and James woods is giving some sort of lifetime achievement award to Oliver Stone. Thank God this shit wasn't televised. Which is also fucking. Somebody made a reference to that. Like, nobody works fucking harder than those guys. And they won't even put it on TV because nobody knows what they look like, I guess. So he tells the whole fucking story of being best friends with Oliver Stone for 35 years. And I have to go on after this shit. And I just. Yeah, that's why I just kept thinking. I just kept. I started looking at my watch the way I used to back in the day when I would do Nooners, which is a stand up expression for basically, you're doing a college gig. And the show is essentially at 12 noon or 1 in the afternoon. It's usually in a cafeteria. And it is a fucking nightmare. You go up there and you have to do an hour. You have to Stand in front of. You have to stand in public in a cat fucking college cafeteria in front of like God knows how many, 3, 4, 5, 600 fucking college students who have no idea that there's gonna be any sort of performance, forget about a comedy show and like the level of just fucking. Like, I don't even, I think it's like it's really hard for me to be humiliated now after doing enough of those. Like you just get so walled off, you just, you just accept it. You're like, okay, my life is gonna suck. Like it's never sucked. Starting in about three minutes. However, in an hour and three minutes, I'm going to be back in my rental car and I'm never going to see these fucking people again. That's what, that's what I, that's the mindset I used to go into. I used to go up there and I used to just psych myself up to be like, how hard can I commit to these jokes? How big of an ass can I make of myself? And just to try to not give in to the horror negative vibe of the situation. Because if you did that, I learned the hard way you were gonna burn through an hour of material in like 17 minutes. You were going to be angry and your agent was going to get a call. So anyways, James woods is going on and on and on. He brings up fucking. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just that Oliver Stone has accomplished so many things and Oliver Stone goes up there and after a night of fucking Trump bashing, just so eloquently stated that all the countries we've invaded, all of the stuff that we've done. And he said during all of our history of doing this, there's been both Democrats and Republicans holding the office of President. I thought I should have got more of an applause break, but you know, I don't know. The Trump thing is just such low hanging fruit. At some point it's like, we get it. Hollywood does not like Trump. Having said that, this fucking guy went on stage and did the best Trump. I should have gotten his name. I was so fucking nervous. But what I had to do. He did the best Trump impression at the fucking nuanced performance that he did. It just, it was unbelievable. And then he did a lot of really, really fucking harsh jokes. Like even like writers, they sit in fucking writers room. You wouldn't think that you could get them to pull back. It's just cuz they're in public and he just totally fucking committed. So I Got kind of inspired by that. So, long story short, I'm sitting there waiting to go on, and they mentioned that Oliver Stone, I guess, wrote Scarface, which I didn't know. And I remember my mother took us to go see that. My youngest brother was nine at the time, so I thought that was pretty cool. So I just went out there and I sort of winged it. Told a story about how I used to think a pony was a small horse. And I can't remember what I said, but I think it went okay. And I got off stage and I actually thought for half a second, like, you know what? That was actually kind of fun. And I realized that a lot of my inversion to award shows, just my own social anxiety of not knowing how to behave when there's a room full of people just saying positive shit to each other. Like, if that award shows were like absolute. I'm not talking like roasts. I don't like roasts either.
- [45:12]
Unknown Co-host
I don't know what happened to roast.
- [45:13]
Bill Burr
Roast to me used to be funny. And then it just became just like this, you know, Tourette's thing. Hey, I wouldn't fuck you with a dog dick, AIDS cock shit, cunt. You know, it's just like, all right, so and so's here. I'm not saying he wooka wooka wooka, but this guy, baba dabadooboo. I find them fucking mind numbingly boring. But whatever. Somewhere in between there somewhat. Somewhere short of that, if it was totally negative, I would have been comfortable. So I don't what the fuck that says about me. So I figured out what my hang up was with the. I will say though, I still will never get past listening to fucking people talk politics and fucking the environmental issues and all of that shit. It's just like, everybody knows. We already know this shit. We already know it. You're not gonna inspire anybody. Like, you know, I kind of gave a shit about the environment. But then when that guy from fucking Third Rock from the sun said that shit about Antarctica, I was like, wait a minute. This is an important issue. I don't know, maybe I'm just a negative cunt. Well, I am a negative cunt, but I'll never be able to get.
- [46:24]
Unknown Co-host
I just.
- [46:25]
Bill Burr
I just think that's just like some like. It's like the Beyonce thing. You know what I mean? Like, I never would have thought that somebody could like, exaggerate the magnitude of creating life, but somehow she's done it. My wife gets so upset when I make. I don't. I mean, I don't like it really have any feelings. It's just fun to make fun of her. Her fan base is just so. I don't know, I was like, I was driving near nuts when she was watching the Grammys and stuff. Like, I. First of all, I don't get. Why does she get like a four hour performance and everybody else only gets like six seconds? You know, Bruno Mars is running around doing a bunch of costume changes. You know, she comes out dressed like a Batman villain and fucking does like a 45 minute set. I didn't think it was fair to the other performers. But you know what, I gotta be honest with you. I don't think I could name one Bootylicious that was. That's when she was with those other two girls that she kicked to the curb. If you're in an all girl group or if you're in a boy band, you can't. At this point, people have to be so fucking educated that, you know, at some point there's gonna be like one person is gonna go solo, you know, and be extremely successful and the rest of you are just gonna be sitting around working at Staples hoping that the person who left and is now wildly successful as a solo artist will eventually have a couple of shit albums. So they have to come back to you to do a reunion tour. You know what I mean? Like, do you think Justin Timberlake's ever going to do the NSYNC thing? Maybe he has. I don't fucking know. But all I can say, I guess what I'm saying is if I was in a boy band way back in the day and I still had my reddish orange hair, I would save my money. I'd be like, you know what? Someone's going to break out. I know it's not going to be me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Anyways, how far into this podcast are we? I gotta check. I gotta check the fucking timer. Hey, how about fucking the Boston Bruins? We are undefeated with our new coats coach. I don't even know who this is. Bruce Cassidy. A Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I already forgot his fucking name. I've been so goddamn busy. Hey, you know what the best thing about having a baby is, dude? You can watch so much fucking sports in the first three months before they learn how to crawl around and shit every morning. It's like my fav. My, like my daughter is like my new best friend. I mean, that was gonna happen anyway. Sorry for the extra noise. I was setting the laptop down. My daughter's my new best friend, okay? Aside from the obvious that she's my blood, she's my daughter and everything, but just, like, on a real level, she's my best friend. I probably have watched, like, 20 games with her already every morning, right? The lovely Nia. You know, she's exhausted because she still has to breastfeed at night. Well, I just have to wake up, you know, and change a diaper every once in a while. Sorry for the hiccups here. So in the mornings, I try to give my wife, like, three hours at least. You know what I mean? Like, I got it down where if she just feeds her, I can take her and then I can have her. And, you know, I have a. I have, like. I have a little fucking bottle, you know, to feed her. I can. I can go three hours. I can keep her calm for fucking three hours while my wife sleeps and all that type of stuff. So what I do is I just tape games. And every morning we come upstairs and I just put her on my chest, and I just sit there and I watch games with her. And if she starts to cry, you know what it is, what's been working for me? You know those giant exercise balls that people use for core strength? I just get on one of those and I just. Just fucking bouncing up and down on the thing. It gives them the feeling of weightlessness or some shit. And if they start crying when you're doing the bouncing thing, because it's killing my fucking back, right? I just go fucking crazy big air. Then they just like. You know, it makes them almost. Almost like when a dog wants to kill somebody. And if you just make a loud enough noise and they fucking looks in another direction, it just. They completely forget that they wanted to kill somebody. Babies are like that. What? They start to cry. If you get their stomach to drop, they kind of go make this face, like, whoa. You know, their eyes get big and shit. And then they just kind of get into that vibe. And then you slow. You just slowly get it back down. 2, 3, 4 repetitions back down to the level that you have. And they don't cry. And then eventually they fall asleep. Then I do, you know, then I got. I got the fucking game on. And I've watched more fucking college hoop since going to that Duke UNC game. I've been, you know, obviously started taping all the Duke games. I watched Duke, Virginia. I missed them against Wake Forest yesterday. But I got all the rest of that year. I think they got, like. They got Syracuse on Wednesday, then they got University of Miami, then Florida State, and then they play UNC again, March 4th. Even if you're not a huge fan of fucking college basketball, you got to watch that one. I watched Kentucky, Georgia, saw Georgia lose another heartbreaker. I watched Wisconsin, Maryland, which was fucking so boring. I went into my fucking DVR and I had tape Unc Virginia, and I watched that one instead and watched that. That fucking kid, what's his name? Number 44 on UNC. The fuck is this name? It's alliteration. Justin Jameson. No, I can't remember his fucking name. I'm fucking sleep deprived here. Totally gotten into that. Been watching the NHL, and because of the All Star break, you know, the Celtics gave me a break, you know, because they. They were on the All Star break, and I got to watch a bunch of college shit. So anyways, I landed here in New York, slept the whole fucking flight, had my eye mask and my earplugs, and I was all good. That lady didn't drop that baby. And everything was fine, you know, nobody tried to hijack the plane. Everything was good. And I get in the car, taking the cab ride over to the hotel, and they had Trump on the radio, and it's just that fucking guy, man. Jesus Christ. He was talking about some terrorist thing that happened in Sweden. He goes, I mean, this happened in Sweden, people. Sweden. He yells. Sweden again. He just sound like, I just. I cannot fucking believe. I can't believe that this guy is president. And I cannot believe that he's. He's so successful at it in that he's just implementing everything. Like, I didn't know you could just go around Congress with these fucking executive orders, man. It's fucking hilarious that he's found yet another. This guy is like the. If there's like a hall of fame for finding the loophole, I mean, he really is like. He's a fucking genius. I just wish he was more stable because, you know, Hillary would have scared the shit out of me in a much quieter, dignified way. Not even dignified. Just as far as she knows how to give a fucking speech. But I don't know. I don't know. The day he stops reacting to people saying shit about him at award shows, I think I'll feel a little more comfortable with the fact that he's, you know, in power. This is like the most simple and basic thought I've ever had in my life. Right, is they keep talking about how the tensions, you know, that if Russia was actually in communication with Trump, and Europe's all nervous because Russia's fucking doing whatever over there and blah, blah, Blah, blah. And these guys are thinking this and these guys are thinking that. And I just was thinking, like, hey, why doesn't everybody just fucking relax, you know? And I don't mean you, I don't mean me. We're just regular. Everybody's just walking around, you know, living your life, getting a fucking newspaper. Why don't these cunts up top? Why don't you just fucking relax? I know this is way too overly simplified, but, like, I would have no fucking idea what another country was thinking or planning to do if you weren't yammering about it, all right? And if the other people on the other side weren't yammering about what the fuck we're trying to do, you know, why don't we just stay? Everybody just stays home. Where's your country? You fucking stay there, right? I don't mean refugees. I just mean leaders in your armies. Just fucking stay there. We bring our guys back. Everybody just sorts out their own shit, you know? And when people come to your country to go to your fucking water park or whatever, you give them the Mickey Mouse ears, you get them, you get. You put on a show. Well, why can't it just fucking be like that? You know why? Because they want to get the fucking, you know, natural resources and money.
- [56:07]
Unknown Co-host
That's all.
- [56:07]
Bill Burr
The fuck it is. That's all it is. I don't give a fuck about any of that goddamn rhetoric. That's why the fuck they're doing it. And all they do is sit there scaring the shit out of you. I just wish everybody could, like regular people, just collectively, all at the same time, be like. And fuck it. Yep. Yeah, exactly. Fuck it. Fuck everything you're saying. Fuck wars, fuck all of this shit. If you fucking rich cunts have a problem with each other, why don't you sit down at your yacht clubs and try and fucking work it out, you know, Play a game of seven. Seven fucking something, stud, whatever the. I don't want to Card play whatever the fuck it is you do, you know, enough with the blowing up of people and shit. Yeah, I don't know. I know it's completely oversimplified, but, like, at some time when I think about having mind control, like, that's what I think of doing. I just have. You know, when, like, people on terrorist groups all the way to our country start saying, we're gonna go to war, it's just like, yeah, no, you know, no, we're not. Alrighty, then. And then just see what the fuck they would do. I think they would Literally lose their fucking minds. They wouldn't know what to do because they'd just be like, well, now what? What am I gonna do? If I'm not out there trying to get more. What am I gonna do? Sit here alone with my own thoughts? How many you think would actually take their own lives? Like, take that fatty over there in North Korea. I'm really in over my head, by the way, if you haven't realized it. This is like Meet the Press with no press or information. It's the same thing. I'll probably get sued by that program for ruining their format. That fat cunt there, you know, old softy there, doesn't have a whisker on his fucking face. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you ought to be able to grow a fucking crazy beard, man. You know that. That's one thing I'll have to commend, that I don't know his name. Kim Jong Il? Is that his name? Was it Kim Jong Il Jr? Sonny boy, Frank Sinatra Jr. Whatever the fuck his name is over there. Like, the fact that he can't grow a beard and he still has people scared. Shit, let's. You know, like, what if they could just. Collectively over there, everybody just be like, yeah, dude, we don't give a fuck anymore, right? And everybody just goes about their business. He still gets to live in that big fucking house, but nobody listens to him. Like. Like nobody will kill for him anymore. No army will do anything, but he still gets to keep the giant fucking house. Like, how fucking freaked out would he be? You know, Nobody really goes over, talks to him or anything. So eventually he has to come out and go to, like, a farmers market, you know, and then you don't talk to him. You force him to acclimate himself socially, you know, like anybody else would if they were the new guy in town. If I had mind control, that's what the fuck I would do. Would I? I don't know. What do I. I would probably do some evil shit if you could control the entire world's fucking brains. Yeah, I don't think I. I don't think I can handle that part. All right. Fuck that. I know it was a dumb idea. All right, let's. Let's read some. Let's read some fucking advertising here for this week. All right? All right. There we go. Jesus Christ. I'm done with that shit. Sorry for sitting on the fucking laptop. How much time are we up to here? Oh, 38 minutes. Perfect. It's time to start reading some letters before I do. I Want to thank everybody the night before the Patrico O'Neal benefit for everybody that has bought tickets once again and we've been able to keep this benefit going. And I cannot even begin to tell you how much this has helped his loved ones. It's just been such a great thing. And as sad and tragic as it always will be that he passed way too soon, just all you guys stepping it up every year and seeing like, just how much that has changed and helped the people that he was helping out when he was alive. It's just. I can't thank you enough. All right, okay. Friday the 13th bullshit. Oh, this is, this is in regards to. I was talking about that, like, why is Friday the 13th unlucky rather than Monday the 13th? So this person comes to me with this. It says, bill, with regards to your podcast involving Friday the 13th, the main superstition that spread was amongst sailors during the late 17th century who considered setting sail on any Friday to be a bad omen. And given that most people, including pirates, were God fearing Christians. The 13 relating to the Last Supper being the night before Jesus died. According to historical hearsay, the 13 relating to the Last Supper the night before Jesus died, were there 13 apostles? There was 12 apostles plus Jesus. That was 13. If the 13th fell on Friday. Well, first of all, I don't understand why did sailors wait until the 1700s? They waited 1700 years, minus 32 years. So they waited 1668 years. People have been sailing for fucking ever. They were sailing back in Jesus's day, right? Well, I guess there was no fucking social media, so it took a while for the story to get out. I don't know. Anyways, if the 13th fell on Friday, most docks and ports would be emptied out, as sailors believe this to be the greatest ill omen there could possibly be. And for reason, and reason enough not to work on the day or get out of bed for that matter, as most people of that time hung crucifixes over their bed and believed it to be the safest place in the house. Now, I'm going to say most people didn't do that. You know what I mean? I would just say, like, if back in the day, if TV news existed, those were the people's houses that they would go to and they would try to scare the shit out of everybody about Friday the fucking 13th. But I think that, I think that there was a lot of fucking people back then, even back then that were just like, dude, are you fucking you a fucking. There was people back then that said Jesus. Shit never happened. They said it's a couple pieces of wood. It makes the shape of a cross. It's. It's. It's not like some holy fucking thing. I imagine there was plenty of people. Granted, they probably got lit on fire if they said some shit like that. I have no idea. So anyways, it sounds pretty basic now, but back in the day, people simply didn't know any better. If you fell sick around a Friday, you were unlucky around around a 13th of a month, also unlucky. But the two together somehow was much worse. Dipshit ancestors. They just lack the information. Jesus Christ, what about us? We're the smart ones, ruining the fucking oceans. The Great Barrier Reef is dead, you know, they didn't fucking go. They would have killed it if they had the fucking opportunity.
- [63:19]
Unknown Co-host
You know what?
- [63:19]
Bill Burr
They're the same dipshits we are right now. All right. Canadian bus beheader. Oh, you know what? I meant to look this up. Said, did you hear about this guy who beheaded and ate another guy and they set free? How the fuck is he allowed free? And why wasn't he executed? How do they know he won't relapse into another murder slash dinner? Am I crazy by saying if you murder someone, you should be murdered yourself? Well, yeah, if people didn't lie. You know, if there weren't people wrongly convicted. I mean, I just. I feel like, though, if it's beyond a shadow of a fucking doubt, you know, if you do something to animals, kids, or if you eat somebody's head on a bus, I would have to say, you know, yeah, you want to fucking. You want to handle it? You know, I forgot to fucking. Before I get in this shit, I forgot to hype my YouTube page. I'm finally gonna start posting videos. Then I'm start doing tours of cities again. And you can watch all of this on my YouTube page. Www.YouTube.com user Monday Morning Podcast YouTube.com user Monday Morning Podcast all right, let me. Let me try to find the link of this fucking guy. Jesus Christ. Fucking eating. I mean, how do you even. How would you even go about eating a head? Oh, this is a different one. Wait a second. Is there no link to this one? What just happened here? Oh, I do have a link. I'm sorry, guys. This is usually where I'll try to hit fucking pause so you don't have to go through the torture of this. All right, There it is. There it is.
- [65:15]
Unknown Co-host
Okay, here we go.
- [65:17]
Bill Burr
Canadian man who beheaded bus passenger granted total freedom. Winnipeg, Manitoba a.k.a. winter Peg Home of the Jets. A Canadian man who was found not criminally responsible for beheading and cannibalizing a fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus has been granted his freedom. He cut somebody's head off, fucking ate it. And wasn't criminally responsible. Well, who was? Manitoba's Criminal Code Review Board announced Friday it will give. It is given, Will Baker, formerly known as Vince Lee. Well, thanks for fucking up his identity. And an absolute discharge, meaning he is no longer subject to monitoring. Man who thought roommate was a zombie pleads guilty to murder. Okay, what the fuck is going on in Canada? That's a completely different story. Here's a rabbit hole. I'll read that one next. Baker, a diagnosed schizophrenic, killed Tim McLean, a young carnival worker. Jesus Christ. See, this is why you never take buses. Carny workers, schizophrenics, it's just, you know, you're taking your life in your hands. A young carnival worker who was a complete stranger to Baker in 2008. A year later he was found not criminally responsible due to mental illness. Okay. McLean's mother, Carol Whatever, has been outspoken against granting Bakers for her. His own mother is saying, don't set this guy free, saying there'd be no way to ensure he continued to take his meds. She declined comment in a. In a post on Facebook Friday saying, I have no words. Baker was initially kept in a secure wing of a psychiatric hospital, was given more freedom every year. He's been living on his own in Winnipeg apartment since November, but was still subject to monitoring to ensure he took his medication. Baker's doctor. Dude, this is fucking insane. You let a head eater go free? I don't know, dude. Do you think that they should kill people who are mentally insane? I mean, what are you going to do? You going to stick them in a room and feed them Flintstone vitamins for the rest of life? All right. Man who thought roommate was a zombie pleads guilty to murder. These are all just mentally ill people here, man. A 38 year old man who said he beat his roommate to death because he thought she was a zombie, pleaded no contest to second degree murder. Now I'm sitting there wondering maybe he just beat her to death. Now he's just trying to act like he's fucking insane. This guy entered the plea Friday, the strangling and beating death of 35 year old Jennifer Lopez. Not the same one, obviously. The Kansas City Star reported Wallace told police he had fallen asleep after taking a methamphetamine. Court documents said he began Beating Lopez when she woke up because he thought she was a zombie. He told police he kept beating Lopez until something made him stop. Wow, this is not a funny podcast anymore, now, is it? Should you be murdered if you murder somebody? I think without a fucking doubt, if they know you did it. And yeah, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I saw. You know, I saw. I don't want to say what this person did to a kid, but the kid died. And, like, I was just like, why is that person still walking on the earth? There's definitely times where I feel that, and I don't think that that makes us as bad as they are, but prison is a big business, so, you know, they want that fucking guy in a cell. All right, Ministry of Truth. Hey there, Billy. Hey there, Billy of rights. I'm sorry, guys. I'm so fucking jet lagged here. This podcast is really just fucking lagging here. Dragon, I should say lots of people are comparing Trump to Hitler, but back in December, Obama tried to quietly pass a bill that would allow the government. Yeah, I saw this. Have jurisdiction over news and outgoing information on all channels, that is tv, Internet, radio. That includes you. You can read the fine print in the article below. Also, fuck all the people listening who haven't read the legislation but are already up in arms because it goes against who they cheer for. Amen to that. Amen to that. Everybody, like, last night, all these fucking guys at this fucking award show, everybody trashing Donald Trump. Nobody brings up the fact that Obama basically signed something that is going to implement an incredible level of fucking censorship. Like, they're basically going to decide what is real news and what is fake news. I mean, I'd like to think, because I openly admit that I don't read and the shit that I say is just fucking absurd that I would be, you know, exempt. But who knows? But like, people with blue ties do this shit all the fucking time. And that's. That's what kills me about people who wear red ties and watch Fox News and the Hollywood people, like, they just cannot see the. All the only. It's. It's like. It's like listening to a fanatic Red Sox and Yankee fan, you know what I mean? You know, giving each other shit for buying titles and fucking abusing steroids. And it's like, no, we both did it. We both did it. We should hang our heads in shame collectively. All right, let me see if I can find this. This article. I don't really even want to fucking read this because this is just so fucking see Today I have signed into law S 2943, the National Defense Authorization act for the fiscal year 2017. This act authorizes fiscal year 2017 appropriations, principally for the Department of Defense and the Department of Energy national security programs. Provides vital benefits for military personnel, families. Okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And where do we get to the. Yeah, dude, I can't read all of this. I can't read all of this on a fucking. This will take me fucking three hours to read. This would have to be a part of a mini series for me to read all of this. Okay, here's some shit in bold. The first priority is developing a whole of government strategy for countering the foreign propaganda and disinformation being waged. Waged against us and our allies by our enemies. Now that reads great, but it's basically, you know, they want. Yeah, listen to our propaganda, not their fucking propaganda. You know, our version of what's going on is right and their version is wrong. We're all fallible. We're all fucking human beings, but we don't make mistakes. They do. So I don't know, it just gets back to all of that shit. And you know what, sir? You're never gonna solve any of it. Everybody's just gonna start fucking screaming at each other. And if you ever bring up something like that, people call you a socialist and tell you the fuck out of the country. If you. If you would ever even remotely suggest that this government would ever fucking lie. They all lie to their people. Oh, God, Bill, shut up. Okay. Dear Billy Beer Thighs, forgive my poor English. Well, the fact that you can come up Billy Beer Thighs in a fucking second language is pretty amazing. So I. I think your English is great. I am a native Berliner, but I have family across Germany. One of my female cousins was harassed on the way to work by some people who are different. I don't want to. I do not want to say just a different race or religion, but also a different way of thinking. They are not native to Germany and are not acclimating well to Western life. I am not a racist and I find the issues very sensitive. But I believe that reality has to play a part in one's objective view. I'm not against refugees or anyone displaced because of terrible political and military situations. But I also have a new opinion because of my cousin. She is okay, but had 19 stitches in the back of her neck and head from a bottle thrown at her because she was a woman walking alone at night. This is not the first time this has happened in her town. That was good enough to show good graces to refugees. If countries are going to let people in, they have to at least be okay with women having certain rights. Should they not forget about religion or relays? That's just good and bad, I think. Am I a bad person for becoming a more cautious person when it comes to refugees? Thank you and cheers on your new child. No, not at all. I mean, a lot of that. And also people's prejudice because you're German, they're gonna fucking think a certain way. But, like, you know, if one of the elements that comes into play is that from wherever these other people are from, that a woman walking alone at night is suggesting that she's fucking.
- [74:41]
Unknown Co-host
I don't know.
- [74:41]
Bill Burr
I don't know what loose. Or having sex or whatever the fuck it is that's gonna make them throw a goddamn bottle. Like, how do you not address that? And also to me, it's like, what kind of a fucking person. You know, when I go to another country, like, whatever I see, I just go, oh, I guess that's how they do it over here. I don't think, like, you know, well, I'm from someplace else and this is the way we do it. So I'm going to act like we're still in my country. I think that's ignorant. But never underestimate the power of religion. You know, when people really get into it, when they really fucking get into it, you know, there's just something where your brain goes on, like, autopilot, and you just let religion make decisions for you, and rational thought kind of goes out the fucking window and you just start breaking one commandment after another. Like, you tell me one religion out there, if you could find it in whatever book it is that you read that say it's. That says it's fucking okay to throw a fucking bottle at a woman walking alone at night. I mean, shouldn't you. I mean, if you think it's. You should have walked her home. If you were concerned about, like, I don't know. I don't understand. But yeah, one of the things I think refugees should, like, if I, okay, say that this country goes to complete shit and there's a big war, and all of a sudden they're hunting down fucking bald redheads and I need to seek political asylum or some shit in another country. When I go there, the first thing I'm going to do is try to learn the fucking language. And then I'm going to try to figure out, okay, how do they do shit over here? You know, what I mean, so I don't fucking offend anybody and so I don't get the shit kicked out of me. But I would say the type of people that throw a bottle like that, you know, they're also the kind of people that if they were in, higher up, in a corporate thing that they would be pilfering the coffers, as they say or whatever. Like there's just certain people out there, they just, they're not good people. There's certain people that are just not smart people. That's one of the fucking problems with human beings is there's a lot of mouth breathing morons. And when you accept a bunch of refugees, you know you're gonna get some fucking super smart people all the way down to mouth breathing morons. I don't think you're. Yeah, why wouldn't you be more cautious when it came to refugees if something like that happened? I mean, now having said that, within your own country you also have Neo Nazis, you know what I mean? So, you know, if you're suggesting getting rid of all refugees, then you should also do something about Neo Nazis. So the hard fucking thing when people go to a new country is they don't look like the people that are there. So they stick out like a fucking sore thumb. And people stop looking at them as human beings. They just look at them as one giant group. Whereas if you look at a fucking Neo Nazi, he's still a fucking white dude. I'm assuming you're white German, right? And you're like, yeah, that guy, he's a fucking moron. You know what I mean? You're just looking at him like he joined a stupid club despite the fact that those people can do some really horrific shit too. So. But I don't think, you know, you're a bad person for becoming more cautious. But I would also remain open minded that there's going to be some really great people that were lucky enough to get out of those bad situations. And that's the hard part. The easy thing is to just say fuck all of these people. And you know, that's, that's the basic, let's sit down and eat some Fritos and cake. Or you can actually do the crunches in your cardio and actually try to look at people as individuals. Now having said that, when the sun goes down at night, all bets are off. You have to look at people, you know, the most cautiously, as cautiously as you possibly can. Because I guarantee you that even if they had a fucking rule about that during the day, if there was a bunch of people walking around. The chances of them doing that during the day would have been much less. So sorry that happened to one of your cousins. I hope it doesn't turn you into a hateful person. You seem like you're trying to be measured. I don't know. But it would suck if you became another hateful person because it's just gonna add fuel to all of this blue tie, red tie shit. Alright. Dear Billy Butkiss, on Valentine's Day, my ex, whom I love, people who know how to use, whom, you know who and whom. I've looked up the definition fucking a hundred times. I believe I've read it on this podcast. I still for the life of me cannot figure it out. On Valentine's Day, my ex, whom I had been dating for three years, came to my job at a bar with a new, much younger date, sat with her for hours and proceeded to get a cab home with her. My co workers obviously told me and I was devastated. Well, that's why he did it. We've been broken up for two and a half months and it was a really tough breakup. I know I deserve better, but I feel like he's driving me out of a small town that I generally love. This isn't the first time he's made a public show with a woman. With women at this point, I just want to. Want to move and start over. What is your take? My take is that you, you're a lucky woman that you, you, you didn't hit your wagon to someone that's that fucking petty. Then. Yeah, I don't. Yeah, like that. Like that's. I just like the way you described it. I look at that guy as though he's pathetic. And I feel like. And I feel bad for the woman that he brought there because I feel like he was barely listening to her and pretending to be smiling, having a good time as he was trying to look around to see if he could catch you. I mean, he basically went out of his way to hurt you. I mean, obviously when you're going to break up with somebody, there's going to be that awful pain because usually somebody wants it and the other person doesn't. So it's bad enough that that went down now if you dumped him, but I feel like if you dumped him, you wouldn't be that upset about it. And you did say it was really tough. So what I would say is have yourself a celebratory glass of fucking wine. Whatever your poison is that you didn't marry this cunt. And I don't know. I think at some point, I mean, if you really love be ashamed if you really love living where you're at, that you would move just because some shallow cunt is bringing some woman over. I mean, he obviously does not give a fuck about that one. Because I'll tell you this, if that guy in two and a half months found the one and found true love lists, petty shit with you would not even be an issue. So maybe a new way of looking at it is feeling bad for the woman that he's with because he's wasting her time. And I can guarantee you she has no idea who you are. And if she does, then they're two fucking psychos that deserve each other that should both be sterilized because they're gonna make an evil baby. So there you go, that's what you walked away from. But as far as like, you know, at this point you want to move and start over, it all depends on what you got going on in your town. That's a pretty big move. You know, let a few days go by, see if you feel that again and just. I don't just really focus on the type of person that would do something like that. To really just go out of your way to hurt somebody. I've heard a bunch of people in my life. But to like go out of your fucking way, like that's like, that's like the difference between first degree and second degree cuntiness there. Whereas, you know, second degree, it just spontaneously happens. You know, you guys got all this history and he just says something horrible or starts chatting up some shit there at the bar. But to fucking sit there and like methodically plan it out like that. That guy's a fucking psycho. And congratulations to you that he's not in your fucking life anymore. Yeah, and don't fuck with this food. That's a petty thing too. That's bad karma. Fuck all that. Alright, that's the podcast for this week. Thank you to every for listening and thank you for the Writers Guild for letting me be a presenter. Actually, he really had a good time once. Once I got, Once I got out there, I had a good time, but other than that I was like freaking out. Like, what the fuck am I doing here? And also, please check out my YouTube page. Like I said, I'm really gonna start posting videos and all that shit up there. Maybe I'll take a couple of. I'll do a video or something at the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, some backstage shit or something like that. And once again. My YouTube page is YouTube.comuser Monday Morning Podcast. All right, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on on Thursday. Come on, use me more I like it Come on, keep talking cuz it's true so the sailor overbor so the sailor is over Throw the satan over s over Come on, abuse me more Come on, keep talking.