The Business, Second Weddings, Psychos Celebrating | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-18-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast Summary

Episode Title: The Business, Second Weddings, Psychos Celebrating | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast
Host: Bill Burr
Air Date: December 18, 2025
Description: Bill Burr rants about relationship advice, sports, and the Illuminati.

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Overview

This episode of the Monday Morning Podcast features Bill Burr in classic form, riffing on personal stories, current events, the pitfalls of the entertainment industry, sports controversies, and (as always) taking listener questions on everything from relationship messes to social dynamics. Joined periodically by his wife, Nia Renée Hill, and later with a segment from the "Anything Better" NFL podcast, Bill discusses the absurdities of modern life with his trademark blend of self-deprecation, candor, and expletive-laden hilarity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Rants and Reflections

• California Life and Bill's Self-Image:
  Bill humorously discusses being "slapped together" by God, wishing he could just be "normal," and recounts his frustration with being a redhead ("You gave me fucking orange hair, you cunt" – [01:40]).
• Managing Anger and Self-Improvement:
  Bill reflects on efforts to manage his temper, drawing comparisons to overcoming addiction ("Nice guy Billy is... looking at it like not drinking... I now have not lost my fucking temper in... 17 days" – [06:45]).
• Relationship Humility:
  He owns up to being intense at home and credits his wife with helping him realize it, sharing embarrassing efforts to stay calm (e.g., breathing exercises in the car while his wife is surprised at his restraint).

2. The Entertainment Business and Strikes

• Talking Shop at Breakfast:
  Bill overhears industry execs discussing not being able to pay actors enough during the recent strike, and he cynically points out that "if you could, you wouldn't" ([10:45]).
• Rant Against Collusion and Industry Norms:
  He laments how strikes only help powerful figures, allowing them to consolidate and collude further, and gripes about the effect of "nerds" taking over industries ([11:50]).
• Cynicism about LA and Survival:
  Challenges the stereotype of Los Angeles as "plastic and phony," and lays out the real, tough living conditions, especially regarding wildfires and cost of living.

3. Sports Rants

• NHL Nostalgia:
  Excitement about Bruins vs. Oilers, old tales of Wayne Gretzky's unique blue skate blades, and chasing the thrill of seeing hot teams in person ([02:29]).
• NFL Outrage – Patriots vs. Steelers:
  Extended, passionate rant about the controversy over the NFL catch rule and the Patriots’ controversial win. Bill reads the actual NFL rulebook out loud, deconstructs the logic, and rails against fan hypocrisy and league inconsistency ([32:11]–[47:50]).
• Fantasy Picks & Betting:
  In the “Anything Better” segment (from [100:25] onward), Bill and cohosts Paul Virzi and Jake the Snake break down week 16 NFL games, make betting picks, and riff on “old guys” making sports comebacks.

4. Society, Politics, and the Internet

• Divisiveness around Tragedy:
  Expresses frustration at politicization of violent crimes and the seemingly heartless tribalism fostered by online platforms (“Can you imagine if they just got rid of the Internet?... It’s always been a heartless world, but now it’s a connected heartless world” – [08:07]).
• Illuminati & CIA Jokes:
  Jokes about the CIA owning Facebook and destabilizing the nation (“Makes a lot more sense than just some fucking nerd owns it...” – [16:20]).
• Satire of ‘Freedom’ Slogans:
  Satirizes hollow displays of patriotism via bumper stickers and hats, calling out shallow narratives about liberty in the US.

5. Second Weddings & Relationship Realism

• Bill’s Observations on Remarriage:
  Muses on the awkwardness of second weddings—emotional weirdness, logistical fatigue among friends, and “destination wedding” etiquette (“Punch the wedding card and that’s it. Good luck with that” – [13:40]).
• Listener Advice:
  Gives candid, often hilarious advice on issues like a friend’s body odor, cheating fathers, and mismatched marital expectations (notably a 22-year-old married to a 47-year-old roadie).

6. Mental Health, Loneliness, and Hyper-Independence

• Solo Life and Root Causes:
  Admits to chronically doing things alone—stand-up, drumming, traveling—connecting it to “hyper independence is a trauma response.” Tells stories about sitting alone at games, coining the phrase “Billy No Mates” as an inside joke ([25:00]).

7. Pop Culture, Music, and Documentaries

• Jazz Obsessions:
  Recommends jazz docs (“I Called Him Morgan,” John Coltrane doc), marvels at the “danger” in jazz, laments Netflix’s algorithm feeding him only prison/gang content.
• Random TV Recommendations & Banter:
  Alludes to shows like “New Girl,” random biopics, and satirical takes on Netflix’s personalization (see [52:00]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Religion and Self-Image

• “I die, and then I’m getting judged by God. I’d be like, what the fuck was I supposed to do? You gave me fucking orange hair, you cunt.” — Bill Burr [01:40]

On Industry Hypocrisy

• “Sir, if you had enough money to pay those actors where they didn’t have to work anywhere else, you still wouldn’t. That’s how the game is played.” — Bill Burr [11:45]

On Political Division

• “Is everything going to be politicized and just used?... People got murdered straight across the board. It’s bad, it’s wrong, it’s upsetting. Why would you try to politicize either one and go after your own countrymen?” — Bill Burr [08:07]

On Second Weddings

• “There’s got to be a word for that—being the second wife or husband. It has to be fucking unsettling... This person already walked away from one person. Who the hell am I?” — Bill Burr [13:28]

On NFL Officiating

• “It’s a catch! You caught the fucking ball. You ran with the ball. You stick it over the goal line, it’s a fucking touchdown...” — Bill Burr [32:11]

On Mental Health

• “Hyper-independence is a trauma response. Like, I dropped my phone. Is that what I’m doing? Is that why I end up on the back porch by myself, staring off into the trees?” — Bill Burr [24:18]

Nia’s Zingers

• “White males that really need to shut the fuck up.” — Nia Hill [76:18]
• “You love being, like, the outlier of the whole thing, don’t you? You love it. Admit it.” — Nia Hill [62:05]

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Important Timestamps

• [01:40] – Self-deprecating rant on his genetics and relationship with God
• [06:45] – Bill on anger management and self-improvement
• [08:07] – Critique of political tribalism and the internet’s influence
• [11:45] – Overheard industry conversation: paying actors and strike cynicism
• [13:28] – The awkwardness of remarriage and second weddings
• [16:20] – Musings on Facebook, the CIA, and manipulation of society
• [24:18] – Reflections on loneliness and “hyper-independence”
• [32:11]–[47:50] – Extended Patriots vs. Steelers rant, NFL catch rule reading
• [52:00] – Netflix documentary recommendations and jazz enthusiasms
• [76:18] – Nia skewers white male privilege and Matt Damon controversy
• [100:25] – Transition to "Anything Better" NFL segment: football betting and banter

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Episode Flow & Tone

• Bill opens with classic riffing, moves into cultural/industry criticism, then spirals into sports, listener mail, and arguments with Nia.
• Tone is raw, fast-paced, and irreverent—veering between expletive tirades and heartfelt honesty. Nia grounds the episode with sharp observations and playful call-outs.
• The "Anything Better" segment shifts to a buddy-comedy dynamic—sports analysis mixed with quips and nostalgic, lighthearted storytelling.

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Listener Advice Segments

1. Friend with Body Odor (Bag of Rotten Clams):
   • Mixed on whether to tell the friend; Bill advises using a female intermediary if possible.
2. Dad Cheating on Mom:
   • Suggests confronting the dad directly, but warns to expect lies or defensiveness.
3. 22-year-old Married to 47-year-old:
   • Both agree: do not have kids to save the relationship; be honest about desires and personal growth.
4. General Relationships/Dating:
   • Bill and Nia reflect on age gaps, regrets, living authentically, and the pitfalls of rescuing others.

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Sports and Pop Culture

• Patriots-Steelers NFL Game:
  In-depth, comedic breakdown of the infamous “catch rule” ending.
• NHL, NBA, MLB Banter:
  Jokes about biased fans, historical grievances, and the nuances of suffering sports cities.
• Jazz Documentaries:
  Shoutout for “I Called Him Morgan” (Lee Morgan) and the John Coltrane doc, with waxing about the energy and aesthetic of classic jazz.

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Closing

The episode is a robust mix of storytelling, cultural criticism, relationship advice, and sports fanaticism—delivered with Bill’s signature edge and honesty. Nia’s counterpoints keep the conversation grounded, resulting in an episode equal parts hilarious, insightful, and bracingly real.

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For Listeners:
If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to have an unfiltered, funny, and sometimes uncomfortable dinner table conversation with Bill Burr—and occasionally his wife—this is that experience, with a bonus round of NFL picks and old guy nostalgia.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. How the fuck you doing? It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

What's going on? How you doing? How you doing? I am. I am going to be down in Cerritos, California, tonight. Where is Cerritos, California? Well, it's just about northeast of Long Beach, California. I love Long Beach.

[C]

Scream for me, Long Beach.

[A]

I can never say Long beach without saying, scream for me, Long beach. Because way back in the day, in the 80s, back when old freckles had a nice thick, full head of hair trying to grow a mullet, but it wouldn't come down. It just went out. It just went out. And once again, once again, you know, I just looked in the mirror and be like, can there be anything about me that's normal? Can I just fit in somewhere? And God was like, no. No, Bill, you know what it is about you? When I made you, I didn't feel like trying that day, okay? We all have those days. And I just wasn't into it, you know, I sort of slapped you together. And, you know, at the end of the day, the way I slapped you together, that's how it came out. You know? That's how it came out. But I am gonna judge you and all the decisions you made based on the fucking shit job I did making you. That would be the funniest shit ever. I die, and then I'm getting judged by God. I'd be like, what the fuck was.

[C]

I supposed to do?

[A]

You gave me fucking orange hair, you cunt. You know, I couldn't even go out in the goddamn sun every time I wore shorts. Oh, look how white your legs are. Okay, that. That eats at a guy. It gets to you after a while.

[C]

Have a heart.

[A]

Oh, that's right. You don't, do you? Oh, you have a heart. Really? Is that why you made the devil and Komodo dragons, you fucking lunatic? Whatever. Whatever. Go ahead. Go ahead.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Blame the victim.

[A]

Blame the victim. That's what you do. That's what you do. You make it and then it fucks up and then you yell at the thing that you made. Okay, I see how that works.

[C]

This, this.

[D]

This is.

[A]

This isn't a new scenario for me, pal. That's how I picture it going.

[D]

All right?

[A]

The Bruins beat Mammoth last night or two nights ago. Nice, solid goddamn team and enjoying watching them. And they got the Edmonton Oilers tonight, so. You know, this reminds me of way back in the day where the Edmonton Oilers once a year would come to the Boston Garden and all the hockey players were freaking out because, you know, Wayne Gretzky was coming and how like his blades were blue. The plastic part, it wasn't white like everybody else. His was, I believe, were blue. And all the hockey players thought like that was like just some like next level. It was basically the Jordan ones of skates. Anyways, they got him tonight. So I got a bunch of my buddies I gave the heads up to. I was like, Connor McDavid's coming to town, man. You guys are going to get some tickets. You got to get some tickets and head down to the game there. But anyway, what the did I write down here? There's a few things I actually wanted to talk about. I'm not talking about that, Bill. You can't talk about that on a podcast. That's crazy. Yeah, so I've actually. Oh, Billy's been around the house lately. Oh, Billy around the house. And I'll tell you this, when I used to be around the house for more than two or three days, it would start to drive my poor wife nuts. Because you, you wouldn't know this, but I'm a lot like, I am like legit fucking crazy here. So it's, it's, it's a lot to have me around. But I think that that's like a good thing to know that you're a lot. But now that I kind of have more of a calm brain, I'm just sort of like chilling out like around the house. Like, we came to a four way stop and you know, the four way stop really just brings out the worst in people. You're either too docile or just too fucking aggressive. You know, that guy who can't shut it off gets to a four way stop and almost T bones an old lady, you know, coming through there driving her Chrysler, right? We came to that stop and there was just a guy, you know, I was going to make a left. We were like facing each other and I was going to make a left and I got there first and he started creeping out into the, the intersection and, and I just went like, what the. Like that loud. And then I apologized to my wife because I'm trying not to curse in front of the kids. The kids weren't in the car, but I'm really trying not to do that. Apologized. And then I like, was driving away and Jesus, that yapping next door. I was driving away and I was going up the hill and I was just like breathing diaphragmatically breathing, then going. And she goes, okay, you're breathing a lot. Like, what does that mean? It's so embarrassing. She's looking at me like I'm a ticking time bomb. And I just said, no, I'm just like, I got a little more upset than I wanted to there and I'm just sort of breathing this stuff out. And she was like, like, wow. Which was nice to hear. But then also you're thinking in your head like, wow, man, I'm a really fucked up dude. That, like that she's surprised that I completely didn't lose my mind there. And then I, I, you know what? I get it now. I get it. I'm like that guy that was an addict for all these years and then comes out the other side and realizes how many people he was hurting. That's what I was doing with my anger. So here we go. Billy, Nice guy Billy. Nice guy Billy is. I'm looking at it like, like not drinking. Like where I stopped drinking eight years ago. I now have not lost my fucking temper. And let's see, 14, 15, 16, 17 days. I don't know, I, that's probably nothing for you guys, but for me that's, that's, it's pretty goddamn impressive. By the way, I haven't, you know, I don't watch the news that much, but someone was mentioning that like right wing people have been being assholes about that horrible murder that happened, double murder that happened out here. And their excuses. Well, you know, liberals were a dick when the guy in Utah got shot and he just went, just look at people, be like, like, guys, what are we doing? Like, is everything going to be politicized and just used? You're divide, you're dividing us. What are we doing? People got murdered straight across the board. It's bad, it's wrong, it's upsetting. Why would you try to politicize either one and go after your own countrymen? I just don't. Can you imagine if they just got rid of the Internet? First of all, I don't think kids would know what the fuck to do with themselves. But like if they just got rid of it, like this is not good for anybody, which is why they're gonna keep it. And I just think these, this whole heartless. It's always been a heartless world, but now it's like a connected heartless world and you can bond with other heartless people and decide who you're gonna be friendly to and who you're not going to. Even if they're Your own countrymen. It's just fucking bananas to me. And, like, I went out to breakfast this morning with my wife, and it was funny. We were sitting outside and it was. I don't know, the Santa Ana winds or something. It was really crazy last night. So it was still kind of blowing around where you had to, like, hold onto your napkin. She go. I go, you want to eat inside? And she goes, well, there's somebody in there talking really loudly. I just. She goes, I thought it would upset you. So she's literally been like, navigating my moods this entire time. So I said. I was just like, sweetheart, this is. I don't. I don't care anymore. It's probably going to be funny. And we went inside and it was a. It was two people talking at, like, full volume so fucking loud. And it was hilarious, the shit that they were saying. This woman, at one point, she just goes. And I was just like, look, I'm sorry you're homeless, okay? Like, don't put that on me. Like, this is what the job pays, okay? I mean, God, you just, like, throwing that on me. It's like, these people, it's like. And then the other person goes, like, yeah. I mean, I really wish that we could pay these actors enough money that this is the only place they had to work. But, you know, we, we, we. You know, if I could, I would. And I wanted to dip into that conversation and be like, sir, if you had enough money to pay those actors where they didn't have to work anywhere else, you still wouldn't. You still wouldn't, because that's how the game is played. You'd still be fucking them. That's what the whole strike was about. Strike was a disaster, by the way. All that did was give the powers that be time to get together and collude, which is supposed to be illegal to everybody in this business even harder. It's insane. It's not insane. It's actually the norm now. Like, what is happening in my business, I'm sure, is happening in your business, where, like, one nerd figures out how to use the Internet to take the whole business away from everybody else and then, for whatever reason, still walks around in public smiling like he didn't just put a hundred thousand people out of. It's just. I don't know. It's a really bizarre time. So anyways, this person, they continue talking, and the other person was. Was talking about going out and drinking wine and how unbelievably delicious it was. This. This followed. I'm Sorry you're homeless. And also, I wish I had enough. If I had enough money to pay you, I would buy the other way. I was drinking some wine the other night. So anyway, I. We actually got a. It ended up being like a great thing that they were in there talking loudly and old fucking Billy New Brain. Billy New Brain, you know, show New girl. Billy New Brain. That's gonna come on right after New Girl, where he's fucking all happy. Go lucky little Bill, the Christmas miracle. I'm gonna keep saying all of this dumb shit. I know you guys are getting sick of it, but I have to do this because if I don't, I'm going to go back to how I was. And I don't want to do that. Like I'm. I'm. Oh, my God. Yeah, I got to stop that. Anyway, so what next? Yes. Oh, Billy's going to go down to Cerritos Saritos and I'm going to do some stand up tonight. And this is one of these shows. I just know. I got a feeling like sometimes, you know, you don't know you tonight. I know tonight's going to be a great one because I've been going up this week. Oh, Billy's been hitting the speed bag there, you know, throwing some kicks, some comedy kicks around town. And I got this new bit about Trump blowing Bill Clinton that is just. I mean, how do you not. How do you not kill with that? But I attached it to some other that I was talking about that I couldn't get it to work with alone. And I. Then I just sort of welded it together and now it's crushing. So what that means is I'm excited. And I'm also excited to get to go play a beautiful theater and I don't have to go to an airport. That's another thing that I'm liking about the way I've been doing the road lately. Because I got to keep my act. I got to keep. Hey, I got to keep it tight, right? I got to keep it tight like a second. The second wife, you know, she knows. She knows this guy's not afraid to pull the trigger. Is there a word for that? There's got to be a word for that. Being the second wife or husband, it has to be like fucking unsettling when it starts to go bad. And you just. This person already walked away from one person. I mean, who the hell am I? And you have to think too, as you go through life, like, the novelty of falling in love has got to like, reduce. I mean, there's no way can anybody talk about their second marriage, the wedding. There's no way somewhere in your head you're not thinking, like, of your previous one. Like, this is the second time I've watched a woman walk down the aisle. You know, if you just do it one time, you know, you can. You can just, you know, have that as, like, remember that time we went to Disney World? You know, we stayed down there in Atlanta, Orlando. We saw the alligator. That's it, right? But once you do it the second time, it's got to be weird. It's got to be weird. You know, first of all, you got to feel put upon. Your friends are put upon. Like, dude, I already did this. I already was your best man. I already got you a gift. I already said what I. What I had to say about you. Like, what are we doing? This should be a rule that you don't get a wedding the second time. You know what I mean? Like, remember at the video stores, like, after a while, you know, you rent enough videos, they would punch a card, and then you got a video rental for free. I think, like, you punch the wedding card and then that's it. And then if they go and get married again, it's like, all right, man, good luck. Good luck with that. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not doing that again. I'm not going to sit here and fucking book hotel, you know, that's another thing, too. If you get married a second time and you actually have the balls to have a destination wedding again. Yeah. Those are funny conversations. Dude, we just did this. We just. I'm still paying off the first one. I got to tell you, I. I don't like this one. Anybody, any. Any divorced and then remarried people listening to this podcast? What was it like the second time? I mean, it's not all bad. I mean, some people made, like, horrific mistakes the first time, and then the second time they probably have caught, hopefully are thinking like, oh, this is the way you're supposed to feel, either walking down the aisle or watching somebody come down the aisle. That is hilarious. That she gets to make, like, the entrance, and you're just. You just stand in there. They really should have the groom up there, like, holding her purse. Just the whole dynamic of that is just really, like, just, you know, you ever see, like, a cornerback and he buys on the play action fake. And then he's like, oh, fuck. And then he's going to run back, and the guy's already got two and a half steps. That's. That's that's kind of what you start to feel like as you're standing up there. Like, wait a minute, how come it's not bad luck to see me before a wedding? Why, why am I just standing up here like a fucking jerk off?

[C]

Any.

[A]

I'm kidding. I had a great wedding. I didn't mind watching my beautiful wife walking down. But like, you know, when you're going through tough spots in your marriage, you do think about that, you know, from day one, I'm waiting for you. What am I, chop liver? So anyway, old Billy's gonna, Old Billy Hobbies. Oh, Billy Hobby. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go fly today. Last night, oh my God, the wind was insane. Was insane. Like I was walking out to my garage to go play some drums, right? Because I'm an 8 year old and I go out there and I, and it was fine, no problems. And then I come walking out and it was like a whole different world. Like the palm trees were like a third of the way over and those giant, the husks of them or whatever, those things fall down, they could really fuck you up. So. And also, by the way, people out there who think like, LA burns because of God, this is what happens. It rains out here and everything turns green. And for like a month, maybe six weeks, it's, it looks like you live in Portland, Oregon. It's gorgeous. But then what happens is these Santa Ana winds come in and it's like a giant hair dryer. And it just dries out all of this new lush stuff that grew during our, you know, couple two weeks, two, three weeks of rain and then it dries out and then that's it. Somebody sits down to vape and then like 10,000 people loses their houses. It's. Yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a wild place to live, I will tell you that. Which is what is so funny about how people's idea of LA that is plastic and phony and simple minded people and all of this shit. Like this place is a tough place to live. Every bit as tough as living in any, you know, major city, I would think. You know, like New York City for some reason, I guess because it's so expensive, they always acted like that was like a tough place to live. And it, which it was, but it was also a really fun place to live. I mean, gorgeous women from every nationality and race, all these great theaters, Lincoln center, all of this, these iconic places to go to. So as hard as New York was, it was still like exciting to Be there. It's an exciting place to be broke. But that was a different time when I was younger. Like, I heard kids call Manhattan like work island or something like that. It's really, like, I don't know, just the direction that we've gone in and how many, how much, like, how abused workers are now in this country is frightening. And we're fucking giving it all away. And for whatever reason, people are just walking around with hats that say freedom. I saw a BMW driving up the street, and on the back it said freedom with an exclamation point. Like, what does that mean? What are you doing to protect it? Like, what the fuck are we doing? All of these freedoms are being taken away, but you're wearing a hat that says freedom, and then you get, what, credit for being patriotic? I don't know. It's, it's, I don't know. I had a buddy of mine thinks the CIA owns Facebook, and they are destabilizing this country the way that they've done it all around the world, and they're finally going to eat their own. And, you know, I got to be honest with you, it makes a lot more sense than just some fucking nerd owns it. And we're all so stupid that we're fighting with each other. Because when you're looking at these, these fucking gruesome murders of this year and the fact that people politicized, or I mean, I guess, I don't know. Was the guy in Utah a political figure? He wasn't running for office, but, like, because he was expressing views that were considered right wing, that you would somehow celebrate that, that he got. It's just bizarre to me. Just think of all of those people that were sitting in the crowd and just saw somebody get shot in the neck and die right in front of him. Like, the level of trauma that, that, that, that is. Those people didn't do anything. I mean, I, I, I don't know. The fact that you, that did and it happened in your country and it's your own countrymen that you could somehow find some sort of joy out of that is as fucking ridiculous as these idiots now who are like, including our current leader, who is, like, trying to somehow, I don't know, get clicks and likes off the murder of two people is just fucking bizarre. Um, it's kind of like, it's pushed through, like, being upset about it where it's just kind of like, Like, how to fuck did we get here? I don't know. I'm saying this shit. What, what is it? Gonna change. It's unfortunate. All right, let's do some advertising. Terrible, terrible segue. All right, here we go.

[C]

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[A]

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[C]

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[A]

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[D]

Did it.

[A]

Dude, so old Billy yoga pants. Oh, Billy yoga pants. I'm going to get into like yoga and pilates. I'm just, I'm going full white woman. I'm. I gotta break it up, dude. I. Hey, break it up. I. I keep doing the. I'm doing the same workout I did in like 1989. Although I've added a bunch of back stuff. You know, no one did your back. You know, when they went to the gym, it was all just. You had curling tries, you did your trapezis, you did your Chest. Then you did incline. Everything was the front. And then everybody would get bowed shoulders. And then years later you'd blow out your rotator cuff. But I want to do, you know, now that I'm actually realizing how crazy I am and focusing on my mental health, which sounds like such a cliched thing to say, so I'll say in a different way. Just focusing on not being out of my mind anymore. Being a. Yeah, and crazy, angry, projecting lunatic. Lunatic. I understand why I'm like that, but now I have to like, undo it. The scenarios, the scenarios that I create in my head because of that somebody says something and then in my head I just go, oh, that it's gonna be like this from 1974 or some. And I play out the scenario in my head and then I walk around talking to myself as if what never happened, happened. And I was doing that. And I grew up watching that. My relatives and all of that, everybody had like this. Whatever this trauma is in our family is we just walk around talking to ourselves about shit that either happened or you thinks gonna happen or you imagined happened. And you walk around talking to yourself. It's fucking crazy. And now I'm looking at myself going like, I do this podcast by myself. I talk to myself. I don't book guests because I immediately projected, oh, they're going to be late, they're not going to show up. I'm going to get fucked. I projected that on everybody. So I was like, I'm not going to have any guests. I'll just do it by myself. No one can let me down. Nobody can hurt me. This whole fucking podcast is an expression of my guy, my fucking mindset. Stand up comedian, standing on stage by yourself. I played drums for 30 years by myself before I dawned on my be going like, you know, I should probably do this with other people. I'm gonna go fly a helicopter by myself. I ride a motorcycle by myself. I go with Dino. I do everything by myself. And somebody earlier sent me this fucking thing that just blew my mind. It said, hyper independence is a trauma response. Like, drop my phone. I was like, is that what I'm doing? Is that why I go to a house party and somehow I end up on the back porch by myself, staring off into the trees? I don't know, at least I can laugh about it at this point. You know, I gotta laugh so I don't cry. Anyway, so I. I have only have one. Other than this Cerritos gig. I have. I got a gig coming up in Seattle that I built around the Bruins, Seattle Kraken game. Because I want to see a game up there. And I. I got three more teams. I have to see a home game of Seattle Kraken, Utah Mammoth, and the Carolina Hurricanes. So I'm knocking those out this year and. And then I'll be done. And then that whole thing of why I had to do it. Oh, and there's another thing, too. I went to most of those games by myself. I mean, I have, like, actual print pictures of me in front of so many baseball and football stadiums by myself. It's a stranger holding the camera. And I remember this English woman that I used to see all the time back in the day. I haven't talked to her in a long time. She was married to a buddy of mine who unfortunately passed away. She was saying that I should turn it into a coffee book called Billy, no Mates. And she was cracking up, and I kind of understood it. She goes. And then she explained it to me. She goes, that's an actual expression where I come from. Like, if you go into a bar, you go into a pub and you see a guy drinking alone, you know, you say, you know, right, look at Billy. No mates down there. So she thinks that. And she was saying that. And I remember I didn't. Still didn't quite get why it was weird that I went to these games by myself. Like, that is. That's really fucking weird, right? I mean, I didn't even try to chat up the people next to me. I learned quickly to not say, oh, I'm a comedian, I'm in town. I was doing a college. I do remember going to a Cincinnati Reds game. And I. It was a day game and it was cold. It was early in the year, and it's right on the river. And I remember getting hammered, hammered with three. These three guys that would, like, skipping work. Somehow we started shooting the. About baseball or whatever. I don't know, there was something about their vibe. I let my guard down. I told them what I was doing, and they asked if I was drinking. I was like, you know, I'll have a beer. I had a beer and then I bought them around. And then we just started going back and forth. I do remember that getting absolutely hammered. Occasionally I would bond with people. I also remember going to a Colorado Rockies game and this weirdo guy, I had on brand new white sneakers. He's like, oh, them brand new sneakers? He just stepped on them. And I was just like, dude, what the fuck kind of white trash is that? And he just did it. And I was just like, this is where, like, you know. You know when you wish you were, like, you know, some fucking Jean Claude Von Dam guy? And this is where I punch you in the face because you disrespected me and my sneakers. But I was just like, all right, it's him and two other guys. And I'm probably gonna lose. Definitely gonna lose, because they're all gonna beat the shit out of me. And I guess he just stepped on my sneakers. There's nothing I can do about it. And my toe hurts. Well, Billy, no mates. Maybe if you're in a game with somebody else, they. They wouldn't. They wouldn't have taken liberties. All right, that's it. Thank you guys for listening. This is. What do we got? We'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast from a Thursday gone by. That is it. That is all. And have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 18, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How you doing? How are you? Hey, look at you over there. You look good.

[D]

You look good.

[A]

I. You know, a lot of people probably think I'm in a great mood with that Patriots victory yesterday, which is actually today, because I'm recording at night. But I just. What? Can they fix that fucking rule? Okay, that's a. It's a catch. You caught the fucking ball. You ran with the ball. You stick it over the goal line, it's a fucking touchdown. There's Bryant, few years ago, fucking touchdown. The week before that, whoever the fucking Cowboys played, was it the Lions, they should have won that game. I don't. I don't fucking get it. I don't understand how that rule is supposed to make it less confusing. Nobody even touched the guy. He had control of the ball. I don't like the ground. Can't cause a fumble, but it can cause an incomplete pass. It can break up a pass. So only if you're a receiver do you get fucked over by the ground, but if you're a running back, you're in the clear. Is that how it works? Did he. Did he. Did he.

[C]

Did he make a football move?

[A]

I'll tell you, that's going to be the last one that they're going to have to adjust it, that rule during the off season. They have to fix it because that was for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. That was fucking huge. And it's a fucking amazing game. Amazing fucking game, right? I think we both can agree with that on both sides. And by the way, cunty ass fucking Steeler fans, remember I'm saying this shit for when the pendulum swings your fucking way, all right? I hate. I hate when fucking when. I hate those sports fans where if there's a call and it goes your way. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, no, I know.

[B]

Rules.

[A]

That's like that 50 year old guy banging an 18 year old going, what? It's legal, you know, like there's no scumbaggery going on there. Yeah, that.

[C]

That.

[D]

I don't know.

[A]

That whole fucking thing was just like. I'm trying to remember what happened at the end of the game. Okay? The game starts off great. I know I'm going to say the guy's fucking name wrong. I've been too fucking busy. But seeing Ryan Shazier. Is that how you say Shazier? You know, at the game, that was great to see. And he looked like he was in great spirits. And I was looking up like. Like, I don't know if you guys know this, but like paralysis is a major, like, phobia, you know, like people go, I don't want to be burned to death. Like, my thing is just fucking laying there, not being able to move. I don't know. Like that. That just seems like the worst. I don't know, worse than death. So to see that that guy's getting feeling in his legs and that type of stuff was, I don't know, some weird, selfish way. It was like a relief to me. Probably should have thought of him first, but I'm a selfish cunt living in Hollywood and that's why the good Lord's burning it down. No let. That's even me. You know? You know what it was? I actually felt great for the guy. But I grew up in such a fucked up part of the world that actually me saying something nice about him, I got. I got weirded out. So then I had to be a dick throughout all of that. So anyways, what I'm trying to say is I'm really happy that that guy looks like he's going to be okay. Okay? That's what I was trying to say. So it starts off with that. And then it's going to be another classic Patriots Steeler battle, which it was. We missed an extra point. Is that going to come back to haunt us? There's no way this game could go into overtime. That's what I'm thinking. And then all of a sudden.

[C]

Dude.

[A]

The Steelers had the fucking Game one, who's kidding who? And then their last two possessions before we went with the go ahead score, they kind of fucking played a little alligator arm ball, right? Which allowed us to get back in it. Then Brady threw an interception, but the guy dropped it. Sorry. The guy drops the ball. This is what I can remember. The dude dropped the fucking ball. That was the end of the game. And then Tony Romo goes, you don't.

[C]

Want to give Tom Brady a second chance.

[A]

Was it basically what I was saying? We go down the field, Brady to Gronk. Brady to Gronk. Brady to Gronk. Brady to Gronk. Touchdown. Two point conversion. Brady to Gronk. Go fuck yourself. All right? That was like when Batman and Robin on the TV show would be stuck in a fucking trap, you know what I mean? And they, we ended the episode that's next for the Cape Crusade. And all of a sudden they break out and they beat the fuck out of everybody, right? That was the football version of that. Okay, so then there's 50 something seconds left and I'm not feeling comfortable because they got fucking Big Ben and they have this great field goal kicker and I know that everybody's going to go into the fucking whatever the fuck they went into, whatever that defense is that makes everybody look like Joe Montana, including fucking Jimmy Garoppolo out there in San Francisco. I love how both quarterbacks. Who's the fucking guy in Tennessee? Is it Vinny Testaverde? Is he still playing? Mike Moriarty? What the fuck's. I can never remember his name. The kid from Oregon. He marches down the field, go ahead score, you know, against their fucking. Well, it's the end of the game. So now we don't play defense. So I guess the ratings increase. Is that what happens, right? They go ahead and win, they go for the go ahead score. Then fucking 49ers get the ball back and they just march right down the goddamn field. They all right there, Fred. Anyways, so it was like 56 seconds left. What the fuck? Just don't let him get out of bounds. Give him the middle of the field. I guess that's what they try to do. And what do we do? What the fuck do we do? How many times is our defense going to do this to Tom Brady after he wins a fucking game? God knows we did it twice playing the Giants in the Super Bowl. Tom, Terrific, as Paul Verse, he calls him, goes down the fucking field for the go ahead score. All the defense has to do is stop him. Sante Samuel drops the fucking ball Anyways, I don't. I don't want the fuck. Let me, Let me, Let me stay on this year here. So I don't know what this fucking defense is going to do. So for whatever fucking reason, Ben Roethlisberger throws.

[C]

What was it?

[A]

A screen pass that goes for 69 yards. It was like the guy. It was like all of a sudden we turned to like a third grade Pop Warner team. Two guys bump into each other and the dude continues on down the fucking sideline. Now they're down at the 10 yard line and all I'm thinking, well, the very least, this is going to go into fucking overtime.

[C]

Right?

[A]

Ben goes back to pass, throws it to the fuck. Was it a white dude? I don't remember. Everything happened so fast. He caught the ball, he goes in. Touchdown, right? Well, they're going to look to see if his knees down.

[B]

I think the ball moved a cunt hair.

[A]

I can't believe. I cannot fucking believe they called that back. What more do you have to do to establish possession? He's got the ball. Is he supposed to stop with 10 seconds left and hold it up to the referee? This is a football. I have it in my hands. Try to run it in. The guy did exactly what the fuck he was supposed to do. He caught the ball, headed to the end zone, reached out and scored. They took it away from him. Then I think the. You know, this is when it comes down to coaching, and this is why the Patriots win these games, is the. When they fucking called the fucking touchdown back, it didn't look like the fucking Steelers knew what they wanted to do. I don't know what the hell that was. And I'm just basically telling you what the fuck you saw because I'm doing it Sunday night. I still can't believe that we. Not even that we won the game. I can't believe that that wasn't a catch and a touchdown. I don't know what else you have to do to show possession. You know what? I'm for like the 19th time on this fucking podcast, I'm going to look up this rule and I'm going to read it. Reading NFL rules is. It's like reading the Bible. It's like, what are they talking about? All right, NFL. That's why you have a pre trick for all the dummies out. I actually, the amount of times I've sat down when I was younger and I tried to read the Bible, it's like, dude, can we, can we update this? Can we put it in some. Into some language That I can understand because it might as well be in Latin. I don't know what anybody's talking about. Just know there's a lot of murder and incest in the beginning. It's just like. I don't want to see the end of this movie. All right. NFL rule. NFL rule. Catching pass. How many people look. Completing a catch. Okay, what in the do you have to do? All right. A player who makes a catch may advance the ball. I'm aware of that. A forward pass is. Is complete by the offense or intercepted. Intercepted by the defense. If a player who is inbounds number one, secures control of the ball in his hands or arms prior to the ball touching the ground, which I felt that guy. Did. See, the thing is, you have to know what they consider securing the ball. I think he was supposed to hold it like an infant. And two touches the ground inbounds with both feet or with any part of his body. The other's head. That was not applicable to this. All right. I mean, I guess it's applicable to every catch. It wasn't. There was no out of bounds issue here is what I'm saying. Number three maintains control of the ball after A and B have been fulfilled until he has the ball long enough to clearly become a runner. That's another weird thing. It's like he's running while he catches it. He's a runner the whole fucking play. What we mean is running in full possession of the ball after fulfilling the requirements of number one and number two, a player has the ball long enough to become a runner when after his second foot is on the ground, he is capable of avoiding or warding off impending contact of an opponent. But what if it's a bang bang play? I guess then it's not a catch. Well, I guess they call that all the time. Okay, comma, tucking the ball away, turning up field or taking additional steps. So that's what happens, I think at the goal line is when you're that close and there's that little time left, you don't have time and you're falling to the ground, you don't have time to tuck the ball away. Okay. They have to put something here for this goal line shit. Or for first down situations where they have to be able to understand that somebody is reaching the ball forward to either get a first down or a touchdown. Maybe that's what it is. So I guess because he didn't tuck the ball away, if a player has control of the ball, a slight movement of the ball will not be Considered a loss of possession, he must lose control of the ball in order to rule that there has been a loss of possession. So he has to establish control and then lose control. If the player loses the ball while simultaneously touching both feet or any part of his body to the ground, it's not a catch. All right? So both feet were on the ground. So they thought he lost control of the ball or never had it to begin with, despite the fact that he caught it and then turned up field for those final, whatever, three yards, saw the goal line, took the ball, and reached over the goal line. I just feel like, for me, when you have the ball and you're like, if he wasn't in control, he wouldn't have done something like that. He wouldn't be going like.

[C]

Like.

[A]

Juggling the thing. All right, End zone catches for the requirement for a catch in the end zone are the same as the requirements for a catch in the field of play. Note, in the field of play, if a catch of a forward pass has been completed, after which contact by a defender causes the ball to become loose before the runner is down by contact, it is a fumble and the ball remains alive. That all makes sense. In the end zone, the same action is a touchdown because the play is automatically over. Okay, I understand that. That makes sense. All right. Four ball touches ground. If the ball touches the ground after the player secures control of it, it is a catch provided the player continues to maintain control. All right? So they didn't think he either secured it or had control of it. So what constitutes having control of it or securing the ball? Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, do. Do you feel any closer to having an answer for that? I don't. Anyways, so here's a bright side. If you're a Steeler fan in this weird way, I was kind of hoping the Patriots were going to lose that game, even though we would have to play you guys in Pittsburgh. I just feel like both teams are so evenly matched that it's going to be very hard for one of the two teams to beat each other twice, to sweep the other team. So I was thinking, like, well, if we lose, then Belichick is going to figure out what they're doing, and then he'll correct it. He's done that time and again, and he'll avenge the loss. And God knows we've gone into Pittsburgh enough time and won there, so we know we can do that. But now.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

I don't know about this one. I don't know. Like, that was just A weird. It's just a. Fuck. It was just a weird ending to a game, okay? And in all of that, what's going to be forgot is that we gave up 69 yards on a fucking screen pass at the end of the game and should have lost, but we did. So now we're going to be home. I don't know. I don't know. That was. That was weird. That was a weird one. That was just a weird one. But thank God in Pittsburgh, they've gone back to back with Stanley Cups, okay? So they can. They can stick both those in their ears so they don't have to listen to dad fucking crying in the other room. I don't know what to tell you guys. That was. You know. I don't know. I am now fascinated with this. I am officially after. This is the third time I've seen a team get fucked over on a touchdown or winning the game. I have to figure out what the fuck.

[C]

When.

[A]

When do you like tucking the ball away? Like, there's so many times when you say fourth and a couple of yards where you have to catch and people are coming in, you got to grab it and fucking reach forward to get a first down. I don't know. I have no idea. But, you know, it's funny, on Twitter, they were blaming the Patriots. Like, somehow this is our shit. You know, the Packers. You know, you could shit on the packers, couldn't you? Didn't they benefit from that? Cowboys benefited and got. I don't fucking know. I don't know. Somehow. I know it'll somehow go back to Deflate Gate. Somehow it'll go back to that shit once again. You know what I mean? I swear to God. Anyways, plowing ahead, I just got back from Orlando, Florida, in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Two of the most fun shows I had this year. Just great crowds. I was down there with Forest Shaw and it's great, man. I'm just not drinking, dude. So I'm getting up early. I've been practicing my drums. Kind of hard to practice drums now when I. It's just like when we edit. A lot of the times my daughter's up and then the one window I have to play is like this time at night right now when she goes to go to sleep. So I can't be a douche. So I don't. Not playing as much as I would like to play. But I saw. I watched two amazing documentaries on Netflix. I was embarrassed by my. I'll show you, you know. Do you guys know, like, on your Netflix homepage like everybody's homepage is different because they sort of watch what you watch. They have like this fucking thing, and then like, whatever you're into. You know what I mean? You guys, why am I gonna explain to you people how it works? You know how it fucking works? Everybody's is different. So what mine became was everything that I was watching. See, now it's cool again. But what it was before was everything was just fucking drug cartels, behind the scene, prison shit. What else did they had? It was all just. Yeah, it was just all like that. And then, yeah, it was just all prisons, drug dealers, people getting killed, all of this shit. So I watched two fucking documentaries because I got. I got. I got to watch some other shit to. To switch this up a little bit. And I watched the John Coltrane documentary and then I watched one called. I called him Morgan, which was about this trumpet player that I'd never heard of before called Lee. Guy's name was Lee Morgan. And I cannot tell you how great a player the guy is. And it's an amazing documentary. Really sad, too. But. But since I did that, I watched two things with black people in it. I now have a thing. Nat King Cole, they got. She's got to have it up here. Something about Richard Pryor. But I also got Better Call Saul, you know what I mean? There's a way to do this, because you're going to miss all this other cool shit if you just keep going down the rabbit hole watching the same shit. I got a Jimi Hendrix thing. I got the Jerry Seinfeld comedian. I got one of the Star wars movies, something about Mike Tyson, right? I think it's funny, they got that whole something on Jocko Pastorius. How do you say his fucking name? World War II in color, right? There you go. No more prison shit. This is great. Perfect. Pulp Fiction. I like it. Now, I was going too far the other. The other direction. Like, oh, this is all this guy wants to see. Because I watched this thing. They were like, you know, before. Never seen behind the scenes in a Russian prison. And they were showing these guys. And as bad as the prison was, what's great about it was, is if you commit a bad enough crime, you don't have to worry about getting raped because they don't leave you alone. They're staring at you 24 fucking 7. I didn't watch it that long enough. All I know is the crimes these guys committed were so fucking horrific. And then they cut to the. The. The warden and he goes, I have no sympathy for these People whatsoever. And I was just like, yeah, neither do I. This guy killed the whole family. And then, like, took their bodies out in the woods and fucking lit them on fire. And it's just like, yeah, yeah, fuck that guy. The guy's sitting there going, you know, you got to be really strong mentally here or you're not going to make it. It's just like, I hope you don't. I. Yeah. So I watched 10 minutes of it, and I agreed with the warden and I shut it off. And then I just looked at my page at that point, and that's all it was. But anyways, I got to tell you that Lee Morgan was a guy, I believe. Who did he start out with? I watched so much this weekend. The did he start out with. He start out with Thelonious Monk. I can't remember. He played a little bit with John Coltrane, and then he got into. With Art Blakey, the Jazz Messengers, and then he went out on his own. But, like, his playing is just. He's one of the guys, you know what I mean? I don't know. Like, you know, like guitar players. There's a bunch of guys that can shred, and then there's the guy that makes your hair stand up on your arm. Like, that guy's one of the guys. And he's that with the trumpet. The name of the thing is called. I called him Morgan. I forget what the John Coltrane was, but the Coltrane one was on a whole other level where it actually makes you want to be a better person. That's the only way to describe it. His fucking worldview was incredible. I didn't. I didn't know a lot about him. You know, I'm the typical John Coltrane Hackey fan. Like, I have a love supreme, you know, But I should get all those other ones. Blue Train and all that type of stuff. But I always went down the Miles Davis road. Like, wherever he went, whoever he played with, I just kind of followed all the way through that. And I know Coltrane was. Was with them twice. He got fired one time, and the second time he left. And so then I just followed Miles into his second. Was it quartet or quintet? I think quintet, and that's the one with Tony Williams. And then I just stayed with Tony right through Lifetime and all the shit he was doing. And I kind of missed all those other guys. So I'm finally going back and listening to all these guys. And that. That fucking music is incredible. It's fucking incredible. And the way they shoot it in the black and White. When you see the video and stuff, it's unbelievable. And there's this weird thing where you wouldn't think with jazz is like a danger to it, but there's like a fucking ed to it that is. I don't know, it's compelling. And I just. I wish they had more documentaries like that on. On Netflix. So if people know some other streaming service or some shit where I can watch it, because I would watch about anybody from that. And then I end up finding out, like, Shelly, is it. Shelly Manna, Shelly Maine. He's like a famous jazz drummer, a white dude. And through watching the Coltrane thing, I saw that he played a gig and he had this. This Shelly Mann had this place called Shelly Mann's Manhole or Shelly's Manhole or something like that. And I was sitting there going, like, I wonder where that. That. That was in la, because nothing is ever preserved in la. And I found out that it's right on Cahuenga, just north of Sunset, right around the corner from Big Wang's, where I used to go there all the time before I was married and watch games and all that shit. And I just was thinking, like, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, all these monster fucking players all played live right around the corner for where me and my friends were like, 50 years later going, dude.

[C]

All day, all day.

[A]

Why the fuck would you run it there?

[E]

Like.

[A]

Like how much that block dropped off, but a very unla. Thing. I guess there's some sort of commemorative thing to that jazz club in the sidewalk there. Like, not like a star or anything, but I thought that was pretty cool. So anyways. All right, so there's that. Check out both those documentaries if you're into that type of. I know I'm all over the map here. A little music, little sports. Maybe I'm a little. Maybe this is a nice little balance here for once. All right, I do have some sad news here, and this really is sad news. I lost another advertiser. Now, if you're a fan of the podcast, you know, this shit happens all the fucking time to me, all right? There's. There's people that, you know, they don't quite appreciate my colorful way that I try to sell the products. But these people, they hung in there for a long time and they finally had enough of me. And I just want to thank him for being on the podcast. I had a great time reading their. Their copy, Farewell to Sherry's Berries. Evidently, I finally went too far when I somehow made a clan reference while reading about chocolate covered Strawberries. I thought it was funny. You know, I was with Harris Stan, and he. You know, I guess if I was by myself and I made the Klan reference, it would seem weird, but I was in the room with another black guy. Not another black guy. With the black guy. Right. Another guy who was black. That's how I was trying to say it. Right. So then obviously, doesn't that obviously mean that I'm just fucking around?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

I had a great time reading your shit. You're definitely welcome back anytime. Anytime he'd like to come back. We'd love to have you back. I love reading your copy. Your fucking strawberries are delicious. But I get it. You know what I mean? It's a very sensitive time out there. We have to. We have to really be conscious of what we're affiliated with. And God forbid the Grand Dragon starts fucking ordering some goddamn strawberries. I don't know. I don't know what people in advertising are. You know what their problem is? Is they're trying to please everybody. You know? And if they would just collectively, if they could just grow a dick and some fucking balls and just be happy with selling strawberries or nature's box or whatever the fuck it is your. Your blue apron, all these people who fucking walked off this podcast. If you would just focus on the. All the money that you, you know, do you know what I would be like if I tried to make everybody laugh? Yeah, I would. I would have a puppet. I don't know what I would have. I would. I would. I would. I would work totally clean. I would. Not saying any. Having a puppet's bad. Not saying working clean is bad. But I would just. I would stop. You step. What happens is. What happens is basically you step outside yourself, and then you start watching yourself, thinking, what do they want? And then the second you do that shit, you're done. All right? So, Sherry's berries, I think you're making a terrible mistake here, you know? But I'm letting you know the door is always open. I'll let you back in. Like a battered wife, you know, in a bad fucking relationship, I'll let you back in, and then you can try to fuck. You know what's funny about these advertisers? They always want to talk to me. And there's. The rule on the podcast is I don't talk to any of them. Okay? I'm not talking to you. This. This is just some bullshit I do to make people fucking laugh and to promote my gigs, okay? I'm not gonna Start having fucking conference calls about chocolate covered fruit. There's only so many hours in the day, you know? Anyways, happy trails, guys. All right. I'll still order your strawberries. No hard feelings, all right? Okay. Man crate. Everybody. Man crate. Oh, you know what? These sons of guns they send me the night. These sons of bitches. I said sons of guns because I was fucking thinking about. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Don't fuck. Don't. Don't offend the strawberry people, man crates. These sons of bitches sent me. They sent me a bunch of booze. They sent me all this cool grill stuff. It actually comes in a crate. You feel like a man when you open it up. It's fantastic. I can't rec. I can't recommend this enough. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not going to make a clan reference or anything like that when I'm selling this stuff. Oh, look who's here. Look who's here. Was I too loud?

[B]

No, no, no. I. I text you because I just.

[A]

Just close the. Close the door the whole way.

[B]

They stole the decorator. I was going to call her after I put the baby down.

[A]

You gonna call who?

[B]

The decorator.

[A]

Who's the decorator? Oh. All right, Come on out. Come here. Come here. Do you. Do you know? No more. Sherry's berries.

[B]

I know you burned that bridge.

[A]

What do you mean? I didn't burn the bridge. It was. A bridge was on fire when they got there. I did the. I did.

[B]

Oh, you're such a bad boy.

[A]

I'm not saying it like that. I'm saying like what I meant by that. Such an. Why did I marry you?

[D]

What?

[A]

Why did I marry you? I always know when you're full of.

[B]

Because you were in love, Nia.

[A]

What I meant was I was already doing this when they got with me.

[B]

Don't try to change me. Sherry's berries.

[A]

This. This is. This is right here.

[B]

Yeah, we get it. You're a dangerous comic. You never know what's going to come out of your mouth. Ooh, what's he gonna say now? He's so edgy and controversial.

[A]

I'm not.

[B]

You are.

[A]

I'm not. You love it.

[B]

You love being, like, the outlier of the whole thing, don't you? You love it. Admit it.

[A]

No, I just know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing.

[B]

Okay. What are you doing?

[A]

I'm fucking reading advertising, and people don't want to hear it, so you're trying.

[B]

To make it fun so you.

[A]

The show doesn't stop. You just keep fucking around with these fucking dopes who sold shit. Understood that for two seconds, everybody. All these other podcasts, you know what they do? They press fast forward. They blow right through it.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

It works.

[B]

Yeah, I. Yes, of course.

[A]

It's a little late for that. Now that you trash me, you dress me down.

[B]

Yeah, well, you'll be okay. Oh, dear.

[A]

What are you doing? Nia? We're on the podcast. I can't listen to her crying.

[B]

I know. She's.

[A]

That's the hardest thing is when you set them down. They're totally fine. They're just crying and they're trying to get you to pick them up, and you can't do it. Anyways, sleep training. All right, we ready here? Now that you dress me down here. Okay, you know what, Nia? I will. You want me to read this copy straight?

[B]

Sure.

[E]

Let's see.

[B]

Let's see if you can do it.

[A]

I can. I can totally do it. You want to bet?

[B]

No, I mean, you can do it. I just wasn't trying to be like that, but go ahead, do it.

[A]

Okay. All right. There you go, Senior. Wasn't that enjoyable?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Was it dangerous? Did I seem like I was trying to get a danger reward there? No, I'm just being silly. Okay. You can be so mean sometimes. Hey, I'm on tray number three. Trade number three of invisidous. Operation Invisidous. My teeth are starting to move. I have a couple announcements. Patrice o', Neill, if you want to. If you guys want a great, great gift idea, Patrice o' Neill comedy benefit, get two tickets for the person you love, stuff it in their goddamn stocking, and come out and see the show on February 20th at the New York City center in Manhattan. If you don't live in Manhattan, it's a great excuse to come to New York City and check it out before the entire thing becomes a giant Bed, Bath and Beyond. All right, what am I up to here? 39, 40 minutes. All right. Can you help me out here, Neil, with the.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's sleeping, right?

[B]

No, she's getting there.

[A]

What is she doing? Looks like she is. Yeah, she's still squirming.

[B]

She thrashed around a bit, but now she's all right.

[A]

Oh, also, Santa Steve, Steve Simone, the great Steve Mo Steve Simone and regular hero are raising money again this year for children fighting cancer and their families. Monday morning podcast listeners helped raise $15,000 last time around, and it had a huge impact on a lot of families. Their stories are brutal, and every bit helps. The Goal this year is 50 grand. Will tweet a link today. Thank you guys so much. You've already been ridiculously generous this year, so thank you very much. All right, MP3 player.

[C]

All right.

[A]

You're going to be in on this here. You're going to help me out here.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. You don't sound too enthused. Would you like your own microphone?

[B]

No, that's okay. I'll just use yours.

[A]

I think it'd be better if you had your own microphone. Talk to the people.

[B]

No, Yeezys, people. Bill is wearing a pair of pajamas that I got him for Christmas. Not last year, but maybe the year before.

[E]

Last year?

[B]

Was it last year? A pair of pajamas that I got him last year. Oh, I don't have another mic and he looks like. Like he's on that show my two dads.

[A]

That three sons. Oh, my three. I like more my three sons.

[B]

Yeah, my three dads was. No, my two dads was a porno. Wasn't. No, it was an 80s show about a girl who had two dads for a reason that I can't really recall.

[A]

For the situation comedy of it.

[B]

Maybe her mom died and her mom wasn't sure which one was her dad. So they were both her dad. Or maybe she was dating one, but the other one was her dad. I don't really know, but it was My two dads and I used to watch it.

[A]

Sounds like the jizz was flying around. All right, MP3 player. I know. What do you want me to do?

[E]

Me.

[A]

MP3 player. Hey, Billy Red face. Merry Christmas, dude. Thank you. My suggestion. Merry Christmas to YouTube. My suggestion for MP3 player is the Apple watch.

[B]

You.

[A]

I'm trying to get out. I'm trying to get out of them. I'm trying to get away from Apple, okay? Because I have all this other music and they just won't recognize it, and I'd buy it off of them, but they don't have it. All right, whatever. I'll listen to you. I know it's more than an MP3 player, but that's the great thing. You get so much more for the money. The big drawback is that you can only use Bluetooth headphones with it. That's the thing about Apple. And let me guess, only Bluetooth headphones made by fucking Apple. Other than that, I like that it stays strapped to your wrist, so you don't need to carry anything else with you. If you've got the Series 3 with the LT. This sounds like a giant commercial for this thing, but you know, I did ask the Series 3 with LTE, it doubles as a phone. So what do you talk to your wrist like Captain Kirk? The call time is very limited. I'm not doing this. Why would I do this? I'm okay. Friend who smells like anus. Oh, boy. Hey, you redheaded mick bastard. I don't give a shit. What are you gonna do? I don't. What about that thing I told you? What do you think about that? What? You know, Matt Damon commented on. That's the stuff going on in Hollywood. So this person wrote an article, they go, matt Damon, a white male, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like it was just like, who doesn't know he's a white guy? Like, what does that mean?

[B]

Maybe he should shut his big white trap.

[A]

Is that not race baiting? That's like some Fox News shit. There was no reason to say what his race was or his sex was there. And the person. There was nothing. Anything else. They just said that he was a white male and then they just continued on with the fucking thing. It's fucking. This is such a. It's. I swear to God, watching. I don't know, it's just. I don't get. If you just going to. If you just. Just say, listen, now I'm. Now it's my turn to be a douche, then I'm fine with it. But don't fucking act like you're a better person because you're not. I mean, that's. That's a. I mean, you keep. What he's looking at me like. You can't. You can't go. Two wrongs don't make a right. Nothing.

[B]

What do you mean two wrongs don't make a right?

[A]

That's total. That's race baiting.

[B]

Race baiting.

[A]

Who all stereotypes about with this whole thing about sexual harassment.

[B]

Is that what race baiting is? Just saying that someone's a white male. How is that race baiting?

[A]

This is so funny. I sound like a black person right now and you sound like a white person.

[C]

What?

[A]

All we said was that he was just white. I don't understand what you mean, race baiting.

[B]

Just to call somebody what they are, a white male. Oh, you're saying that if this was like Fox News, they'd be.

[A]

No, this is. No, this is what they were doing.

[B]

Tyrell Jackson, a black male, was spotted at the Bubba. Like the way they do that type of shit.

[A]

I'm saying the reason that they added that detail was because he was commenting on sexual harassment and white guys positions of power. And all of that. So what they were saying in there is they just say white male. So then you can go with all your stereotypes and be like, oh, totally privileged. Didn't have to work for shit in a position of power. He doesn't understand this, like, all this negative shit where it was no longer Matt Damon, it was white male trash. That's what the fucking guy was doing. Or woman, whoever wrote that fucking article. That's what bugged me. Whether you agreed with what he said or not is a completely different thing. But I just was like, what the fuck does that. Who the fuck doesn't know Matt Damon's a white guy? It's not like he's just some. It's like they had a fucking picture of him anyways. If he was some complete nobody. I see the picture. It was a giant picture of Matt Damon's white head. And they go, matt Damon, a white male. You know what they're doing? That's that feminist psycho.

[B]

What do you mean, feminist psycho?

[A]

That psycho white male trash. All that. That they're doing that literally doing this. Not. Not saying all of them are doing it, but they're doing that where they're. They're. They're fighting this thing that they are literally becoming.

[B]

Well, my Damon should really.

[A]

No, no, no, keep it up. I'm not talking about what he said. I'm talking about. That fucking detail was weird.

[B]

Just throw in there.

[A]

Matt Damon, comma, Matt Damon, white male. It's like. Male prostitute. It's like, what. I just remember. What the. Does that have to do with anything? And then I read the art, the gist of the article. I'm like, oh, oh, I see why you threw that in there.

[B]

Yeah, well, because, I mean, he's speaking like a typical white guy, so. Yeah, it was a little.

[A]

Wow, look at that. Look at this all. Look at all this getting thrown around.

[B]

Well, why? You.

[A]

You know how they are. You know how those white gu.

[B]

You feel like I'm secret, Like I secretly hate people?

[A]

No, no, no. I'm just. I'm actually in a. In a way enjoying this shit.

[C]

Why?

[A]

Because of all that, hey, white guys are evil and blah, blah, blah. And I just know they're human beings who have too much power. I would agree with that. And when you have too much power as a nation or as a race or a sex. You stand. You tend to. It's very hard to not overstep your bounce. Okay. And what I am now seeing is the pendulum is changing, is that people. What I always felt is people just they're going to behave the. It's not going to become better. It's just. Somebody else will then get in power and then behave the exact same fucking way while they pat them on selves on the back saying how great they are. Like white guys who did a bunch of horrific shit and then put up statues of themselves. Does that make sense?

[B]

It's an interesting point.

[A]

Ooh. Ouch. All right, friend who smells like anus.

[B]

Your beard is, like, kind of out of control control right now, don't you think?

[A]

Quench, come over here.

[B]

Like, it's a little bushy, isn't it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's. What's going on?

[A]

What's a. What's a. What's a happening, hot stuff?

[B]

That's racist. Did. Did dollar Shave Club not hook you up this month? What's going on?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I just like Robinson Caruso.

[A]

You know, it's funny. I've heard that name my whole life. I don't even know who that is. Did he get stuck on an island or is he like a. I think so.

[B]

I don't even know.

[A]

We got to look it up now.

[B]

Something from literature. It's a. It's a book.

[A]

Oh, there you go. There's your quote for the week, everybody. It's something from literature. That's what I married and made a child with. It's something from literature.

[B]

Shipwrecked. It's some white dude probably trying to explore some island, trying.

[A]

Robinson Caruso. A white man.

[B]

Yeah. Trying to act like he's. He discovered some when people already lived there. That's probably what it was.

[A]

I'd go with all of that. I had a big argument with somebody about that.

[B]

About what?

[A]

About the whole. You can't discover some when people are already there. And this guy actually argued with me. He goes, well, he was discovering it for himself, and the people didn't know, but it's just like.

[B]

No, he's talking about Christopher Columbus.

[A]

I forget who he's talking about.

[B]

Yeah, because that guy.

[A]

What do you mean, that guy?

[B]

That guy. Fuck Christopher Columbus.

[A]

If he didn't come here, you wouldn't have met me. Wow. Really? Listen, you know, to make an omelet, you got to break a few eggs.

[B]

The things that come out of your mouth.

[A]

Oh, adults listen to this. They know I'm around. Jesus Christ. The cunts out there will take that clip, and let's. We'll see. The trouble I get, that's. That's a classic one for Huffington Post. Douchebags.

[B]

They'll clip that out of it.

[A]

Oh, those low hanging fruit douchebags. All right. Robinson Caruso. Huh?

[B]

Crusoe. The way it's spelled. C R U S O E. Robinson Crusoe. Everyone says Robinson Caruso, but it looks like Crusoe.

[A]

I say Caruso because I always think of Ray Carruth. First published on 25 April, 1719. The first edition is blah, blah, blah. Plot summary. Jesus, let's get to the Cliff Notes. Oh, God, this is too long.

[B]

Crusoe joins an expedition to bring slaves from Africa. But he's. Yeah, who gives a about this guy?

[A]

But he was shipwrecked.

[B]

Moving on. Exactly what I thought. That's exactly what I thought.

[A]

I didn't know it was about that. Next. Did they do a second version where that wasn't in there?

[B]

Oh, God, no. They make. They make him out like he's some fucking hero though, don't they? Cannibals discover native cannibals an island kill and eat prisoners. Oh, God, you know what? Yeah, I don't give a shit.

[A]

As for his arrival there, only, only he and three animals, the captain's dog and two cats, survived the shipwreck. Overcoming his despair, he fetches arms, tools and supplies. So basically white people read this, ignore the slavery part and then root for this white guy to come home because they put themselves in place.

[B]

What an adventure. Get out of here.

[A]

All right, how did we get on the subject of that guy? Oh, you said my beard, right?

[B]

Because I said your beard was too much.

[A]

All right, well, the three were the three musketeers.

[B]

Robinson Caruso, Christopher Columbus, Matt Damon.

[A]

White males was. It wasn't.

[B]

White males that really need to shut the fuck up.

[A]

Why do they need to shut the fuck up? That's such an ignorant statement.

[B]

It's not ignorant.

[A]

It isn't near. You can't. What if you tell people to shut the fuck up? Then they're not going to listen to your point that like what you just said there is how people try and communicate on the Internet where they start things off with, hey, shit, dick. Maybe if you fucking didn't have your head up your ass and they could actually be making a good point. But they started that way. If you tell people that they, they need to shut the fuck up. And then what, listen to you? What sort of human being is going to be receptive to what you have to say if that's the way you're going? You're dipping into the pool.

[B]

That is because I'm thinking about other things that Matt Damon has said. Other like, sort of stances that he's taken. And I just feel like he is really arrogant, and he's not really as worldly and understands people as well as he thinks that he does. And he's in a very, like, small little bubble. And I'm just. I'm not here.

[A]

You've never met this guy. And I guarantee if you went to a Christmas party out there and he was there, you'd be like, oh, my God, Matt Damon's here.

[B]

Maybe a couple years ago, I would have.

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Everybody needs to just fucking. Just. Just. Just relax a little bit.

[B]

This is where my problem was.

[A]

Like, first of all, this wasn't even about that. This wasn't even about what the fuck he said. What it was about was that that fucking person says, matt Damon, white male. A white male. I'm just saying. That's all I'm talking about. I don't give a fuck about all of that other. I'm trying to stay out of that.

[B]

No, you don't. But I'm trying to say why I. But that's a whole other thing having to do with Project Green Light and the last season and the way he was.

[A]

All right, what are you doing? Geez, he's already getting enough. You can throw more crap on the fire. I mean.

[B]

Oh, all right, sorry. I'm sure you want to do a movie with him one day. Day. Sorry.

[A]

No, that's not what I'm saying, Maddie. I'm not trying. You're such. You are such an. On this. Why did I invite you in? That's not why I'm saying that now. You made me look like a. Yeah, Hollywood phony.

[B]

Stop trying to get into bed with all these guys.

[A]

I'm not. That's not the point of any of this. First of all, Nia, he's not. This is the thing. This is the thing that every dumb mistake. People think if you get to know the actor, they're gonna get you in the movie. They're not. They're not. That's not how that works. They're trying to keep their own fucking head above water. They don't have fucking time for you. And can I play you fucking postman? They don't give a shit. All right? Jesus fucking Christmas. I gotta tell you, you're killing it on this podcast because every time I try to make a point, you trash me in such a way that it just destroys anything I'm trying to say. I'm just saying. I'm just. You know. Jesus Christ. I. I can't Look, I can't make fun of the Huffington Post and then get somebody else in trouble for some. Some they already got in trouble for.

[B]

All right, that's.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

I'm leaving it alone. Okay? I'm leaving it alone.

[A]

All right, friend who smells like anus? For the 90th fucking time I'll tell you. I think you're banned from this podcast.

[B]

Can I read it?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Can I read it?

[A]

Yeah, go ahead. You read it.

[B]

Thank you. Big fan of the podcast, my friend and I saw you and Mr. Don't forget this part. You already read that. Hey, you redheaded McBastard. That's offensive.

[A]

Now somebody's gonna take that. Somebody's gonna take that and cut out the part where you said, that's offensive. I just wanted you on tape saying, hey, you redheaded MC bastard. I love it. All right.

[B]

Big fan of the podcast, my friend and I saw you and Mr. Verzy do stand up in Albany, New York. Phenomenal show. My question is about women's hygiene. Oh, boy. My two buddies and I have a friend that is a very nice person, and he wears very preppy clothing. However.

[A]

However.

[B]

She smells like a bag of rotten clams. The odor has become so bad that the three of us have questioned whether wearing a gas. About. Question whether wearing a gas Max around her. This person needs to write better as men. Ugh. We know it is not right to tell a woman she smells like ass, but we don't know what else to do. Should we tell her or con one of her friends into telling her? Thanks, Bill. Keep up the hilarious podcast and go yourself. First of all, you are so unoriginal by being like, she smells like a bag of rotten clams. You know, clams. Second of all, if you're not this broad. No, you don't have anything to say. Next. Here you answer.

[A]

All right, Nia got a little defensive. Yeah. Can I ask you a question? If you walked around smelling like a bag of rotten clams, wouldn't you want somebody to give you the heads up.

[B]

Before you became a person and wears very preppy clothing? However, she smells like. What does that have to do with. I don't. I don't get it. Oh, because she's nice and she wears nice clothes, but she smells like clams.

[A]

A bag of rotten clams.

[B]

A bag of rotten clams. This sounds like an exaggeration.

[A]

Give me a break.

[B]

Smell so bad. The three of us have questioned whether wearing a gas.

[A]

Why are you. Why are you around her?

[B]

What? Like, where's the rest of your sentence. First of all, learn how to write a stage sentence properly. Then maybe I can.

[A]

Why are you getting so defensive? Like, they said you smelled like a bag of rotten clams. This is this thing. You're just defending this person because she's a. You know what? You inserted yourself in the story, and you would be the person I'm supposed.

[B]

To do isn't that I'm. I'm supposed to put myself in the scenario?

[A]

I guess so. So now what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to help pull you out of that.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And say that you in no way, shape, shape, or form smell like a bag of rotten clamps.

[B]

Yeah, maybe I'm a little edgy tonight. All right, fine. Okay, so what would you say?

[A]

How can they tell her, all right, this. This. This woman, okay, probably wants to find love at some point, and you're not gonna. You're really limiting. You know, she's got to find somebody that works in some sort of chemical plant that's destroyed his sense of smell.

[B]

So she's got some sort of, like, medical issue.

[A]

Yeah. Sometimes you could have, like, literally a sinus infection that can give you really bad breath. There's all kinds of stuff, like, you know, and this is the thing. Like, guys, like. It's not like I never ran into a woman that didn't. Wasn't so fresh and so clean, you know, And I. There's no way to tell them because it. The embarrassment of it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

What should I do? Singing telegram.

[B]

You smell like ass. Like ass like us.

[A]

How can they do that? I. I would actually. I would. I would actually think that she needs. If she's dressing nice and all that type of stuff. Meaning she's clean. I would say that she probably needs to see a doctor, and it's probably something with her diet. I'm just. This is just that I've heard diet or. I don't know, maybe she's stressing a lot. I have no idea.

[B]

But I. I honestly don't know how you would handle that.

[A]

Well, how would you handle it? Okay, if they. If it's like the end of a Tom Cruise movie and you got to clip the right fucking wire, it blows up in your face. Okay, first. First thought, how you doing it?

[B]

I think you. You take. You take them out. Not on, like, a day, but just hang out and just be like, listen, I love you so much. You are such an amazing person. You are the best. You're the best. Yeah.

[C]

You breaking up with me?

[B]

No. No, no, no. I just feel like, you know, sometimes I just notice like. Like an odor coming from you. So I don't know.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I don't know if, like. I don't know if, like, your.

[A]

Your.

[B]

Your washing machine isn't working, you know, or like the.

[A]

Why would she put her vagina in a washing machine?

[B]

They're not smelling her vagina. They're smelling her bo. Right.

[A]

Oh, when I heard clams, I thought the problem was in the basement.

[B]

Exactly, exactly. They're talking about her bo, I would assume.

[A]

Oh, but it could be halitosis. It could be.

[B]

I'm saying if you're. If you're not. If you're not her, like, what do you. What do you care? You know? But.

[A]

Because they like her, they want to hang out with him. But she smells like. And I'm sorry, he said a bag of clams. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, she smells like Low tide.

[B]

There idea. Yeah, maybe. Well, maybe you're washing your. What do you call it? Washing machine isn't working effectively. Or you should try a different.

[A]

I know what I would do.

[B]

Detergent. What would you do?

[A]

I get two of those spray aerosol cans of, like, deodorant, and I dress like a cowboy. I walk into the bar and go, hands up. And when she did, I goes, sorry, I got nothing. I don't know. I would try to have. I would. I would have. I would talk to a female friend of hers.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And tell her to do it because it'll be less embarrassing. And just say. You just give another heads up that's.

[B]

Had a friend, and I still have this friend. And we had someone that we worked with, someone who I'm actually still friends with and.

[A]

Was it a white male?

[B]

Yeah. And he would talk about how my friend's breath stank. And I would always, like, laugh because he was right.

[A]

Her.

[B]

Her breath did stink a lot. And I would always offer her gum. Gum mint. Oh, you want one? You want one? And she would always refuse. So it's like, what can I do?

[A]

You have to sit her down and say your breath stinks. No, sorry.

[B]

Her breath is in sync anymore. But at the time.

[A]

Because probably somebody told her.

[B]

Yeah, probably.

[A]

All right. Dad. Cheating on Mom. Dear Billy Skankles, please do not say my name. Oh, he's got a jokey name. He's got a jokey name. Why are you such a drag all of a sudden? One stinky clam thing and now. Come on, man, lighten up.

[B]

Yeah, sorry. Sorry, everybody.

[A]

I Should be in a bad mood the way you've been trashing me on this. I invite you on onto my show. I already lost Sherry's berries. They're walking out of my life, and then I gotta listen to you trash. I have been a fan of yours since the year 2000. Remember that bit? How great was that bit? I love that bit. Conan o' Brien show, everybody. I love hearing your podcast every week. I use it as a. As a escape. As an escape from my shitty life. I want to ask you for your advice. About a month ago, I started to notice my father would talk to a coworker who happens to be a lady. I didn't think much, much of it, seeing as how he's been happily married for the past 27 years. I checked my dad's phone number, my phone, the other day. He usually has me fix his phone since he doesn't understand technology. Upon checking his phone, I saw a couple of texts and a picture that they have been sending each other. All right. A couple of texts. I don't know what was in the text, and I don't know what the picture was.

[B]

He doesn't need to be sending pictures of himself to another woman.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know what to do. I have looked up this guy for 25 years. Oh, no. And now I feel crushed seeing the piece of he is. Should I confront him and tell him to stop? Or else I'll tell my mother. Bill, can you please help me? Thank you. And go yourself. From Adolf Stalin.

[B]

Ooh, just in time for Christmas. What would you do? What would you do, baby?

[A]

What would you do? You had to give your life freedom. What would you do? I don't know what I would do. I would.

[B]

Tough one.

[A]

I would.

[B]

Just say I was. You know, I was fixing your phone the other day, and I saw this picture of this woman. Who is she?

[A]

I would do. There you go.

[B]

He'd probably lie. Just know that he's probably going to lie to you. I mean, you can confront him and just say, hey, like, what sky was, you know, you had me fix your phone. I saw these pictures and these texts. Like, what's going on? He's probably gonna get upset. Why are you reading my text? I didn't ask you to do that. I just asked you to get me off airplane mode or whatever the it is that he. He did. You know, why are you looking? Right? He's probably gonna get really, really upset with you, and he's gonna lie and he's gonna deny it, and then he's Gonna be probably overly sweet to your. I don't know, but you're up to this guy for 25 years now. Yeah. It's a hard thing to realize that your parents are not as perfect and great and upstanding as you thought they were. That sucks.

[A]

So what, you think he should just go up and ask him?

[B]

I mean, if it's. But yeah, he should just say like, hey, I just saw these pictures. Like, you know, I don't know what they were, but I thought they were maybe something inappropriate. But maybe I'm wrong and it's just been bothering me.

[A]

But like I said, just maybe that'll make him stop.

[B]

Be prepared that he is going to get very pissed at you.

[A]

He might not. He might be fucking embarrassed. I don't know.

[B]

And it's. It's probably going to make him be really upset and yell at him, so. But I feel bad for your mom. That's the thing. But who knows? Maybe your parents have an arrangement that you don't know about.

[A]

Oh, Jesus.

[D]

I don't know.

[B]

You got to consider all the possibilities here, you know, but unless his mom is at home just baking cookies and making dinner every night, you know, and.

[A]

Being like, what if she's just nagging him every night? He just gets sick of it.

[B]

Maybe she's banging the mailman.

[A]

Hey, you know, can we have a little sympathy for the guy who wrote in here? Jesus Christ. I would go with her first advice. All right. Over. Okay. Overrated. Underrated back. All right. Overrated. Outdoor hockey games. I've been twice. One at Comerica park in Detroit, another at the Big House. It's cold, you can't see the whole ice, and it's hard to track the puck. Not to mention the blinding glare from the sun. Do yourself a favor, save your money and watch it at home. Wow. Underrated homemade french fries. If you're hosting a barbecue or just making burgers for the family, take the time and make some hand cut fries.

[B]

That sounds like the beginning of one of your.

[A]

Your advertisers double fry them and toss in sea salt. Oh, if you're feeling really ambitious, a homemade spicy ketchup will put it over the top.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Nice. Your grand rapid show at the church was great. Can't wait to hear those jokes again in your next special. I love that fucking. That's such a great gig. All right. Advice for a lady. Is this the last one?

[B]

Well, it's long.

[A]

It's a long one. Brace yourselves. Bill's going to be reading for a while. 22 year old married to a 47 year old. Oh boy.

[B]

I'm calling it right now, but go ahead.

[A]

All right. I have been putting off emailing you this because I feel pretty embarrassed, but I adore your podcast, your honest advice, and I have massive amounts of respect for you. So fuck it. If you do actually read this or take the time to respond, then thank you so much. I don't know why, but I actually love when somebody uses the word adore. I adore your podcast. It seems so much more sincere than I love your podcast. But now that I put that out there, everyone's going to make fun of me and say how much they adore. I should probably start by saying that I was in a really bad spot when I first met my guy. I was 20 and he was 45. I lost my mom when I was 17 to lung cancer and then I lost the mother figure who had taken me in and I had stayed with for two years again to lung cancer. Jesus Christ. I never knew my dad. Oh, you knew that was coming. So I know there's some daddy issues in to play here probably. But anyways, I felt like a giant curse. So two of my family members became ill and I was falling behind in my degree. The only happiness I had was going to concerts, getting high and trying to forget my grief in the music. Yeah, that sounds like what I would have done. That was until I met my guy at one of the shows and everything started changing for the better. He had the most amazing confident, positive energy I had ever seen and I felt so unbelievably happy just by being around him. We started dating. I fell in love. Hard and fast forward nine months later we got married in a Vegas in Vegas on a trip visiting his family as he's American. I was drunk. The marriage is not registered in the UK and my family still doesn't know. Please don't judge me. I would never judge you. I'm a fucking mess. Everything is mostly wonderful between us and we have lived together for a year now. He's a roadie and will typically spend a couple of months touring and then three months at home in that cycle. He is 100% trustworthy. I like that dynamic we have because I get my own time to focus on my freelance work. But the time apart keeps the love fresh and exciting, especially as we travel a lot when he is off to work.

[B]

That's kind of like our relationship or was before. Before the baby.

[A]

Right? But he wants to start breeding within a couple years and whilst he is someone I would start a family with. I know I'm not ready for anything like that. We've spoken about this and he said he would wait a few years but I still know I'm not going to be ready in a few years. I still feel like a lost teenager most of the time. I know what the responsibility. I know what the responsible thing to do is which is to end it. But he's been the reason the last couple years of my life have been so much brighter and happier than they have in so long. He's great in bed, super thoughtful and generous. No, it isn't a sugar daddy thing. But it's nice having someone want to look after you. I just don't know what to do at all. I really don't want to lose him. But he's 47 now and wants kids as soon as possible. I don't want to be a cunt and knowingly waste his time. I do have a good Jesus. Okay, two more paragraphs. I do have a good circle of friends that I'll be absolutely fine alone slash single, but I just don't want to regret throwing away a good relationship over this. P.S. i'm so glad you like Manchester. We loved you here. I fucking loved going to Manchester. I had a great time and I would love to go to Liverpool and New and was it Newcastle? I would like to do more of those cities up there next time I come over. Would love to meet you and the beautiful NIA in England one day just so I can shake the hand and thank you in person for making a post uni existential crisis so much more bearable. I don't even know what that means. Haha. Stay shiny and go fuck yourself. All right, look, you've been through a lot of shit, okay? And you married this guy nine months in. It's not what. What he wants is not what you want. And here's the deal, okay? As much as you're going to feel like you're an asshole for doing this to this guy. What kind of a 45 year old guy marries a 20 year old. Well, he's 47 now and she's 22. Yeah, but.

[B]

And wants to like knock her up right away and all that other kind of stuff. Yeah, I mean he. Yeah, it seems.

[A]

How do you not know that that's coming?

[B]

Yeah, I mean she didn't. She's young, you know.

[A]

No, no, I'm saying how does he know that this isn't coming?

[B]

Oh, I don't know. I mean I just feel like he's like on you know, the Middle and age. He's a middle age and so he's freaking.

[A]

He's not middle aged. He's over the hill. I'm so sick of people saying 47.

[B]

Why isn't that middle age?

[A]

47 times two? Come on, artist.

[B]

What is it, 94? Yeah.

[A]

How many people make it to 94?

[B]

Not a lot.

[A]

Like 94 people make it to 94. Yeah. Like 35 is middle aged.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

35 times two is 70.

[B]

You have to be. You have to be true to yourself. You're so young. You don't want to have kids now because. Yeah, your life is gonna change drastically and you haven't had a chance to even fully, you know, experience everything that you want to experience. You're. You're way too young. People, of course, have kids at your age, but you're so young. So, you know, you should just be honest with him about it and just. I'll wait a couple.

[A]

You can't have kids. You don't know if you don't know who you are, what the fuck you're doing.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

You can't have kids.

[B]

And honestly, it's not your fault that he waited this long to, you know, be in a relationship and have kids. Like.

[E]

Yep.

[A]

And sometimes you have to be selfish.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

To get what you want. Okay. That's it. Okay. You're being a good. She just takes off now. He's still 47. He can meet a 31 year old.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's who he needs. He needs to meet a chick in her 30s who's just sweating it out, going, what the. I need a baby tomorrow. I need to trap a man. That's. That's what he's. It's, it's not your fault. He's drafting this late in life. He's drafting in the later rounds. That's what's left. You know that. You know the trap car?

[B]

No. What are you talking about, trap car?

[A]

Then he's, he's gonna, he's gonna date. He's gonna date the female version of that. They got this fucking thing out there called the trap car. Speaking of racist. They drive it in what? They drive this car, a nice car. They leave it running with the keys on and they. But they only do it in like non white neighborhoods.

[B]

Oh, I've heard of this.

[A]

Yeah. It's such.

[B]

But anyway, don't, don't have a baby just to keep this guy because you will end up. You'll love your baby and you'll end.

[A]

Up hating him, but you'll resent your baby because you didn't get to go to Joshua Tree and eat mushrooms and do whatever the you're supposed to do in your early 20s. Whatever. What do kids do now in their early 20s?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You guys are really at completely different stages in your life. And this is why, you know, unfortunately, it's not advisable to marry someone who could literally be your father.

[A]

So. Nia with another cold bucket of water.

[B]

I know. I like this. I like this writer. She's sweet and, you know, I don't know. It sucks. You know what I mean? She sounds like she's genuinely in love with him and it doesn't want to break up, but this is a pretty big issue. This isn't a little thing. So he's. By the time you're ready, he's gonna be dead. I'm just kidding. He's gonna be, you know, even older. So it's just. Yeah. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or you could, like, adopt a 12.

[A]

I think you said what you had to say. I feel like you're. I feel like you're overselling it now.

[B]

I'm done. I'm quiet.

[A]

Did a great job on the podcast, Nia.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

People, people. No, no, they're gonna love you. You trashed me two times for me. You gave me, like, the trashing of the year twice on one podcast.

[B]

All right, that's cool. I can live with that.

[A]

I always know when there's something going on with you. I always know there's something going on with you. I don't know what the it is.

[B]

Hate when you do that.

[A]

Because I'm always right. Because I'm always right.

[B]

Me. And, like, what's going on with you. I'm fine.

[C]

You're not.

[D]

You're a.

[A]

You're a mess. You're. You're freaking out about the holidays. I know you are. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. That's the podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the podcast. Bill Burr, a white male, signing off with Neo Nia Hill, a black female.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Have a great couple of days. I'll check in on you. How about them apples?

[C]

Perfect.

[A]

You're crushing it. All right, I'll see you. What's up, everybody?

[D]

And welcome back to the Anything Better Podcast NFL edition for going into. Oh, my God, three more weeks. Bill, it's. Dude, it feels like we started this two weeks ago with your host, me, Paul Versey, Bill Burr. You know, we have the snake with the injury reports, as always. And we got the Greek freak The Beverly Hills kid, Andrew Themless. Bill, I gotta tell you something, okay? I'm a kid that likes to give flowers when it's time. Because you know what? I like getting my flowers, okay?

[C]

Oh, you're a sensitive guy.

[D]

No, for the last four years, you have given me you, Paul, this, and Paul's good at picking. Bill Burr, you are the hope. You were like the first Star wars that ever came out. The new. A new hope. You are right there. With three weeks left. Three and one again.

[C]

You know, they thought the game. I'm swinging in the dark. I have not watched one second of football in two weeks. I watched the Pat's highlights. I've been super busy, you know, with, with the kids and all of that.

[A]

I've just been, you know, I haven't been paying attention.

[C]

And my wife has got somebody at the door here.

[D]

So no Bill before the season. Before the season they were going, has the game passed them by? Is he on the hot seat? And then you had that bounce back. Year. Coach of the year.

[A]

Coach of the year.

[D]

All right, well, we are in. I think we're in. What is this? Was this week 16? Oh, my God. Week 16.

[C]

Paul, you can't stop it. All you can do is enjoy it.

[D]

You know, listen, it's like your kids.

[C]

Guy once said to me, paul, time marches on. And I was like, you know what? I think you're on to something there.

[D]

It's like your kids getting old, you just, you know, it happens. And you just got to enjoy the moments while they're happening.

[C]

Dude, I gotta tell you, man, I've been enjoying the moments. I don't know if I'm ever going to go on the road again.

[A]

Oh, dude.

[C]

Dude, I'm just a homebody. My freaking Disney dad now went to Disney with my kid. I had the best time ever. It's the best time. If you ride the ride, then you're excited, you get off the ride, then you're like, where we going? You got to figure it out. And then you get all this quality time standing in line, shooting the breeze. It's amazing. It's.

[D]

It's the best. And I'm, you know, I've been a homebody for a long time, but now it's more than ever. Oh, you got to drag me out of here. You got. It's got the bill, the gig's got to pay.

[C]

Well, hey, Paulie didn't like road gigs. In order to talk, to get Paulie to do comedy, you had to talk to three other guys that were. Would go To Paulie.

[D]

All right, well, we're in week 16. Before I pick, we have to bring in the snake. You know the drill, guys. We're going to bring in the snake and the snake is going to tell us what we. What we have to look forward to. Or I guess not look forward to depending on injuries this week. Jake, what do you got, buddy?

[E]

Yeah, it's definitely more bad news than good this this week. But we all saw Mahomes, he tore his acl. The Chiefs were eliminated anyway, but you know you hate to see anybody get hurt.

[C]

And silver lining, if he's gonna do it, it's a year. They're not competitive. He's got a whole year to come back. It happened to Brady. He came back and won three more super four more Super Bowls, so they'll be okay. But that was brutal to see.

[E]

Yeah, it was. And that's the conversation. They're saying Mahomes tore it the same year in his career as Brady, so it's possible to come back and there's a big injury.

[C]

Patrick, why don't you try being original?

[E]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

And then.

[E]

Yeah. So similarly, Michael Parsons on the packers, he tore his ACL as well, which is a really good injury. Non contact, you kind of just could tell. And so you know, Green Bay, you kind of see the injuries starting to creep up with them. They've had a lot this year, so they got a huge game at Chicago Saturday, so we'll see how that goes. Let's. And then quarterback wise, Jane Daniels is being shut down for the rest of the year, which they probably should have done anyway. And then the Dolphins, Dolphins are playing the Bengals. Both teams are eliminated from the playoffs, but the Bengals are going to play Burrow. But the Dolphins are not playing tua. So something to monitor.

[D]

It kind of looks like TUA might be done in Miami where the coach basically said like, I think TUA might be done. So.

[E]

Wow, he looks bad too. He's a huge contract would be the only kind of issue there. So they're gonna have to figure out if they really want to move on.

[C]

Which I. Dude, what is going on down there? It was like the coach didn't know what he's doing. And then all of a sudden they win a couple of garbage games. As Florentine was telling me, this isn't mine. He watches the Dolphins every week. They didn't beat anybody big. They beat some bad teams, the friggin jets or whatever. And then all of a sudden he's off the hot seat. Now it's on Your quarterback?

[E]

Yeah. I don't get that.

[D]

Well, I think they won more than a couple, though, dude. They won like five out of the last six. Six percent.

[C]

I know, but they weren't good teams. Yeah, they're playing like the dregs of the league. I don't know who. Who's their biggest win this year against? Maybe. You know what, Paul Cake, you know they're wrong.

[E]

Every week they beat Buffalo. So that's.

[C]

Oh, that's right. I picked that game. But I only picked that game because everyone was saying Buffalo. I'm like, this. This is where Vegas cleans up.

[E]

Yeah, but I get your point. Overall, like, if. If you're gonna pin it on somebody, it'd probably be the co. I feel like the coach is more likely to go just based on the salaries.

[D]

But.

[E]

But yeah, it's. It's good. It's a tough. It's a weird situation going on there. And they lost Tyree Kill for the year, too. So just a brutal season. And then I'll hit on two more real quick, and then we can get into picks. T.J. watt has a collapsed lung, so they're acting like. Yes. Well, they're acting like you might actually play, which is crazy, but I would imagine that he's not going to, so that's something to monitor. And then the Rams receiver, Devonte Adams.

[C]

I wish you guys watched hockey. People battling back from injuries. Dude, Charlie McAvoy got his freaking jaw busted. He's not even on solid food, and he's back.

[D]

That's nuts.

[C]

The guy's drinking smoothies before a freaking NHL game, and he's back out there for regular season games. I mean, hockey players, it's like. It's a badge of honor. Hey, not saying football players, obviously, they're tough as hell, but Jesus. Anyway, we.

[D]

We got to give credit to the Steelers, dude, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Aaron Rod, dude, Mike Tomlin again is going to have another year. I know that they hate him in Pittsburgh and they say he can't win the playoff game, but, dude, the guy is just gonna get another above.500 season for like 19 years, dude. And Aaron Rodgers, you know, he played really good playing with a broken wrist. So they. And they beat the Ravens. They're tough out, man.

[C]

You know, I don't disagree with any of that.

[E]

All right? He's had these loaded teams, you know, he's had a lot of kind of mediocre quarterbacks, and Rogers has been his best quarterback in years. Just add your point since.

[C]

Yeah, since Big Ben.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[D]

Well, we're in week 16, which means it's an even week, which means I pick first and.

[A]

Holy.

[D]

I'm gonna. I'm just gonna do a little concede. Can I just do a little concede speech here, guys? I have been mathematically eliminated from beating this year.

[A]

Okay?

[D]

It's been an unbelievable run. I loved doing it for four years. I loved that when I would do road gigs, people would come up to me and go, dude, I follow your picks. You made me money. I am sorry about this year, but make no mistake, everybody. I'm gonna look in the camera when I say this. I'm gonna. We're gonna regroup, we're gonna look at tape. I'm gonna see what I did wrong, and I will be back next year, okay? So all we're gonna do right now is we are going to root for the snake, we are going to root for Burr, we are going to root for the Greek freak. But I'm going to try to make it respectable. These. But there you go. I had a good time, and we're going to get back into our winning ways. All right?

[C]

Even Tom Brady said it's a weird year. This is a weird year.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, there really hasn't been any, like, legit front runner until the last couple of weeks where you're starting to look at, like, you know, oh, maybe Seattle, maybe. I don't know, the rant, like, trying to think of people out west, like, even, like, the Lions, the Eagles, nobody stepped up. The Bills. The Bills this week, like, what they did in the second half, coming to get back against the Patriots, exciting for Bill's fans. But they were supposed to be doing that all year. Like, where has this been all year? It's. Maybe they saved it, which is not a real thing. Why would you save it?

[D]

But, you know, I also think Joe Burrow, man. Joe Burrow coming back. How good do they look? I thought that, like, if he wasn't. If he wasn't hurt, they would do something. And I really don't want to be a dick here. I really don't. Because I want to say I like Travis Kelce and I'm not really a Chiefs hater, but I will tell you this. Travis Kelce's season this year, Travis Kelsey was a big part of their success. The way he got open in the middle of the field, the yards after the catch. And this year, dude, he just didn't seem. He didn't see, you know, catching passes that he fought, like, kind of, you know, fumbles in the air, interceptions the other way, he looked a little bit out of it. I don't know what he's going to do, but I'm going to be interested to see what the Chiefs do next year. But for my first pick, my first pick going into week 16. Okay. Might as well have a chimpanzee throw darts at a wall with my picks. But I'm gonna, I'm gonna, You know.

[C]

I mean, that's just a great image. I think chimpanzee was what's made it funnier than monkeys, that chimpanzees funnier than monkeys.

[E]

It was the word chimpanzee for sure.

[D]

Okay. You know, I'm gonna take this. I'm gonna take the Eagles minus six and a half. I think that Washington shutting down Daniels, Washington, you know, I, I just. Washington is a bad team. They're a three win team or whatever, a four win team. The Eagles seem like they righted the ship even though it was against the Raiders. I'm going to take the Eagles to win by a touchdown in Washington.

[C]

By the way, what is, what's, what's the deal with the Washington Commanders Slash Redskins just having their quarterbacks coming back too early and playing through these injuries. It's just like, didn't you learn anything with RG3? Shut the guy down.

[D]

It's a great point.

[C]

Anyway, I'm going to go with the Pittsburgh Steelers getting seven points in Detroit against the Lions. I like their defense. Aaron's playing great. The Lions, I don't know, they, they've been sputtering. They, they don't, they haven't like found their, their groove yet. I like seven points and I think, you know, Aaron's not afraid of them. He's seen it all at this point. I think seven points is a lot of points to be given to a gunslinger like that.

[D]

I don't like that pick. I love that pick.

[C]

Okay. Jesus, Paul. I was like, come on, man, it's the holidays.

[A]

Go easy.

[D]

I love that pick. I love that car.

[C]

It's in my mother's name.

[D]

It's in my mother's name. What's the matter with you?

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[C]

What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you?

[D]

Should I do that? Dude, you know what?

[C]

Shoot from the hip. You got nothing to lose, man.

[D]

I'm gonna take the Denver Broncos, dude, against the Jags. I know the Jags are really good, but the Broncos, the Broncos are at home and the Broncos are really good. And are the Broncos still fighting for home?

[A]

Home the whole way yeah, they're currently.

[E]

The ones, see, because the wing lost. So you know, if they went out, they will be the onesie.

[D]

I'm gonna take them to win by a field goal in Denver. Why not? All right.

[C]

I will say, Paul, if, if I beat the book this year, I'm gonna buy you a new and camera that you don't have to like refocus. No, I'm going to every other sentence. Why am I looking at jets and Saints? What's wrong with me? What is wrong with me that you would eat when you would ever wade into the cesspool of a game that that's going to be raiders. Texans.

[E]

Paul.

[C]

Fourteen and a half points. Sneaky Pete on the road with fourteen and a half point. Texans are a great goddamn team. Raiders stink. Fourteen and a half. Paul, that half.

[E]

The Raiders had 75 yards of total offense against Eagles last week.

[C]

Jake the Snake. Last time Seahawks played the Rams. Who won?

[E]

Rams 1.

[C]

All right, I'll take the Seahawks minus one at home.

[D]

Okay, well, you know what I'm gonna do? This game is a pick them. I hate to do this to packers fans and you know guys, packers are a team. I usually. It's a team I like, but no Micah, no Micah Parsons. I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take the Bears at a pick em. It's a basically a pick them in Chicago. It's a one point. The Bears getting one at home. The packers don't have their best defensive player and dude, the Bears just keep proving that they're a good Chicago Bears are a good football team. I'm gonna take them at home and pick them. Why not?

[C]

And the packers beat him the last time. So.

[D]

Yeah, I don't know.

[C]

I feel like that's, that's what I up last week, my one loss, the Bills. I'm like, were we really going to beat these guys twice in one year?

[E]

That's why.

[C]

Yeah, that was a. You know what? You know, looking back, now that I know the final score, Jake, I'm going to say I shouldn't have done that.

[E]

I'll tell you another.

[C]

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. This is the Thursday night game I just picked.

[E]

Yeah, the Rams. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

But I, I say if it's five and a half or more division rivalry, Thursday game.

[A]

Oh, Thursday game. I really feel like, okay, all right.

[C]

It, it's a pick them. All right. I'm really just stammering here. Am I gonna really pick the Bills to destroy the Browns? Do I really want to start a game down by 10 yeah, why not? I feel like maybe the Bills, I think it was a big win for them last week. Maybe they, you know, they puffed their chest out. I don't feel like they have a letdown game against the Browns. I feel like they have a. Another big win and then they get overconfident and then what ends up happening? The lake effect, Snow? Lost in the playoffs. It's guys, man, they're a hard team to be a fan of because I. I love the coach. I love the quarterback. Like, you know, the fans have been suffering forever. They still got in 99 on that. That the fucking guy was in the crease. They called it the whole year. So your heart goes out for bill stance. But anyway, I think what I'm trying to say is I'm taking the bills minus 10 going into Cleveland. They're not afraid to play near a lake. They live on that lake, Paul.

[D]

Cleveland's in bad shape too. That's a great day.

[C]

They go in one town over.

[D]

Paul. That's a 35 17.

[E]

Paul.

[C]

It's a road trip.

[D]

It's. It's. It's nothing.

[C]

Sleeping in your same bed that night you kissed your wife goodbye. You go down there, you kick their ass by at least fucking 11. And you come back not staying in Cleveland.

[D]

Now Euclid has. So you didn't take. You're not touching that tonight's game, are you?

[E]

No. I took Seattle.

[C]

I took Seattle.

[D]

You took Seattle. You know what? You beat me. You've beaten me on.

[B]

On.

[D]

I think we've done three head to heads. And I think you're two. Where you're two and one. You know what?

[A]

Well, I'm not.

[C]

I'm not competing against you. I'm not keeping and score.

[D]

No, I know, Paul.

[C]

You know what? I'm available for a hug whenever you need it. I know this is meant tough you with the book.

[D]

Hey, I need it. It's going to be one of those hugs where when you let go, I still hold on.

[C]

You know what's funny is you pulling up outside of a convenience store to a Cadillac civilian. You just give them all the money and the guy's counting your money. And then I just come in and I just give you the hug.

[A]

Sorry.

[E]

Paul.

[D]

Is anything funnier than the guy that needs a hug? He holds it too long so the other guy hits when he wants to end it. He just pats the back.

[C]

Yeah. Universal sign if you don't pick up social signals. If you're in a hug and somebody goes like this, that means wrap it up. Credits are rolling, it's the end of the movie. I'll tell you who never gets that little tap on the back is Jake the Snake. Ladies can't keep their arms. That's all they want to do is wrap around him.

[D]

Oh, he gets a tap. It's just not on the back. Right. All right.

[C]

I like you growing out the hair. You really start to look like Mac Davis in North Dallas. 40. I like everything about it.

[E]

Thank you. Yeah, it's definitely longer. The back is like. It's starting to get down to here, so we'll see.

[C]

There you go.

[D]

I'll go ahead.

[C]

Save some for us. That's all I'm saying.

[D]

You know, I'm gonna go head to head. I'll take the Rams getting one tonight. You know what? I'll watch the game, see what happens. Matt.

[C]

There you go.

[D]

They're great.

[C]

I don't have a problem with that. Jake the Snake 49ers against the Colts Monday night. How are the 49ers looking health wise? They got everybody back. They got their quarterback back. Both.

[E]

Yeah, they got. I mean, their d. Their defense had the. You know, has like their main guys out, but they're playing well and McCaffrey's out there and Hurdy's out there. Their offense is really helpful.

[A]

These.

[E]

So.

[A]

You know what?

[C]

I'm gonna take Philip Rivers again to cover the spread. I'm not saying he's winning these games, but, like, I don't give a. I don't know why.

[E]

Yo. Do you just wanna.

[C]

You know what? I'm off the road. I'm relaxed. I got a sweater on. I'm. I'm going with Philip Rivers.

[D]

I like it.

[C]

Oh, guy rooting for an old guy is.

[D]

I have one more pick. Andrew.

[E]

You had Rams, Bears, and you took Philip, so.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No, no.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

You got four.

[C]

You got.

[E]

Yeah, Rams.

[D]

I want to go, oh, man.

[C]

I want to talk to some retired field goal kicker and just amp them up. Be like, dude, you were kicking during the dead ball era. Yeah, they got these floaties out there, man.

[A]

What the.

[C]

All your experience, all those 3, 2, 1 shots that you. It's best basketball, you know, Clock doesn't.

[A]

Count down on a field goal, does it? Whatever.

[C]

You. Philip Rivers can come back and play quarterback.

[E]

That's what Brandon, around the yard.

[C]

You can't come out there. You can't come out there and kick one of those floaties. 50 yards.

[A]

All I'm in practice, he hit like five.

[C]

70 yard, 70 yards.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

What were they kicking, Paul? It's a beach ball. The radio controlled beach ball.

[D]

It really is ridiculous, man. Like that, like a 70 yarder is in play for the Cowboys. I mean, it didn't help their season, but it's nuts.

[C]

You know, Paul, everything that's going on in the world right now, the one thing that really is just getting me going is that a 70 yarder is on the board. All right, Having your priorities straight.

[D]

All right, so, Bill, the Monday night special tonight is the Colts and 49ers.

[C]

Yeah, my bet. Dude, say what?

[D]

No, you want to do.

[C]

No, you want to put 49ers money line so we win like $2.

[D]

No, let's go. Let's go, Colts, let's go. Rivers to throw one.

[E]

I'm gonna say you have to have Rivers to throw on.

[D]

Rivers to throw one is what. What we're rooting for. Rivers to throw, Colts getting the points and Jonathan Taylor to get a. Jonathan Taylor's get a touchdown.

[C]

All right, If I was Philip Rivers agent, I would have called up Grecian formula and I would have said we got to do like, we got to do a one off and he should do like, he just. You have the commercial like right after he throws the touchdown. It's Philip Rivers for Grecian formula and he's taking all the white out of his beard, getting ready for. For the game, and all the. All the players are coming in talking to him like he's their dad.

[D]

Oh, dude, how great is that?

[C]

Can you come out, come out and throw the football around? Sure, son.

[D]

Dude, how great is the name? Old Man Rivers. I mean, that's incredible.

[C]

There's nothing better, dude. There's nothing better than somebody who's retired and they come back and they actually have a couple of good. I mean, come on, dude. You know what it is, Paul? It gives us all hope.

[E]

And they were right there again. Seattle.

[D]

Yeah, he did. Dude, my wife was watching the highlights and she goes, is that Philip Rivers? And she goes, oh, man. And she goes, that's awesome. And then she just goes, he looks kind of heavy. And I'm like, yeah, he's been fucking sitting. And she was like, that's great.

[C]

How about. How great was his line? How much do you weigh? He goes, I don't know. More than I did when I stopped.

[D]

Oh, no. But the first time they asked him, he goes, right now he goes, oh, I have no idea. And they just burst it out laughing. I do feel bad for him because he was in the class of Eli and Roethlisberger and both have two and he didn't get one. And he had great years, dude. He had Ladanian Tomlinson. He had great years with the Chargers, man. And I wish. I wish he would have got one because he. He does have that nice, fast release. He was a good quarterback, man.

[E]

He was.

[C]

Dude, it's luck of the draw. You got to have the players, the coach, the gm and the ownership. You got to have all of that.

[E]

And then you play the same conference as, you know, Big Ben Brady and Peyton Manning, Ray Lewis, all those years.

[C]

Yeah. All the sports writers do is blame the quarterback. Yeah.

[E]

Our front office let him down big time.

[C]

You heard it from Jake right there. There you go. You know what? If Philip Rivers here, he would have given me a little tip of the. He's probably too class to even, like, throw his own team under the bus.

[E]

Yeah, he would have.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, but things that happened. Well, how about necessary roughness after you stop the Patriots on fourth down to give us the first down, and then you lose the game? I mean, there was just. It wasn't. You know, it's a team sport, but, I mean, it wasn't Philip. All right, let's. Let's get back here.

[D]

Oh, by the way, I gotta give. I'd be remiss if I didn't give a shout out to. And I know it's funny, that NBA cup, which I was like, whatever. These guys. These guys need motivation to win money. And then the Knicks won it. And me and my son were in front of the TV just watching confetti with the Knicks is just. Just that. Just watching the New York Knicks get some trophy just made me and my son be like. We were almost uncomfortable. We didn't even know what to do. We were just like, day one. But, yeah, they all get. What are they, 500k each? I mean, that's. That's pretty cool, you know, Nice win.

[E]

By the Knicks, for sure.

[D]

You know, hey, look, we're second in the East. We're gonna be. But, dude, OKC and the spurs are. Are coming. So if the Knicks got to do something now. And dude, Bill, I will say the.

[C]

Basketball courts that they use during that time, that it's a lot.

[A]

It is a lot.

[C]

It looks like you're not in the NBA anymore. It looks like, you know, when, like, Iverson was, you know, after his career, he's playing in, like, Turkey. Like, that's what it looked like.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Is this European ball? Like, what?

[D]

Yeah, you didn't have to change it that much. But, dude, the Celtics, even without Tatum, are hanging on. The Detroit Pistons are number one in the East. The Knicks are number two in the East. But the Knicks have won 10 of the last 11. And then, dude, OKC has lost two basketball games. The Oklahoma City Thunder, defending champs, are 25 and two. Dude, they are on pace to lose eight games this year. Man, they are good. So the west is really good. But anyway, congratulations to my New York Knicks. It was nice to see them win something. And shout out. The Knicks have made a decision. I don't know if you guys heard this. They made a decision that they are not going to raise that to the Raptors. They said they're not doing that. They're not raising that. They're not doing that. They, they're getting. They're not doing that. Which I like. Okay.

[C]

I like that. You guys actually had to discuss that.

[D]

Yeah, well, they were, they kept going. Are you guys going to put it up in Madison Square Garden? It's the third one ever because I guess the Lakers won the first one, the Bucks won the second one, and.

[C]

Then I bet the Lakers put it up.

[E]

Yeah, Silver made a call.

[C]

Those guys, dude, I swear to God.

[D]

Oh, the Lakers will put up anything.

[C]

They have put anything up there. They got, they got a banner up there that they somehow won an NBA championship before the NBA existed.

[A]

They got it.

[C]

They got like four or five from Minneapolis. Dude, they got pile on teams, attache cases of cocaine and cash, Forum Club, whatever the you need. Whatever they need to try and keep up with the Celtics is insane. Which by the way, if the Patriots somehow win it this year, which I know is crazy, we would have the most NBA titles and super bowl titles alone with only four teams there. Mr. New York with you have 97 teams. I would be happy. And Paul, I wouldn't rub it in your face, but you'd feel the vibe. It would definitely be a vibe.

[D]

I'll tell you what, if the Patriots do that, I gotta as. As even a non Patriot fan, of course I would be very impressed. Like if the Patriots came back and just started winning titles again. Dude, it's like, what can you say? You know, what can you say?

[C]

Oh, Paul, they'll. They'll figure something out. The New York media will always think of something to say when a Boston team wins.

[D]

But Bill, I'll give you this, I'll give you this one.

[C]

My favorite one was when we finally won a World Series. The New York Post is like both time.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Couldn't even say congratulations.

[D]

I'll give you this though. If the Patriots win a Super bowl this Year. And it said, the Lombardi Trophy now goes back to its rightful owner. I wouldn't be mad at that. Do you want to know why? Because if the Yankees won a World Series and they said that about us, I would be like, okay, that's why.

[C]

I don't like it. It's nobody's right. It's nobody's right that. That's a sign of a bad league.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

The fact that espn, whenever. Whenever they fucking. The Yankees win it, they go. And all is right in baseball. It's just like. Like, okay, so we're all just like, what? Just a bunch of bums. I mean, the whole thing is stupid. Somebody said it. Somebody probably said it in, like, the 19, whatever, 40s or 50s.

[A]

You know.

[C]

Waxing poetic about America in the fall or something like that. It's.

[A]

I'm sure.

[C]

And then they're just. They're just quoting that. I don't think that they realized what they're saying.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Did you see The Stuart Scott 30 for 30?

[D]

No.

[C]

It's fucking amazing.

[A]

Really is. Yeah.

[C]

I had no idea in the 1990s it was still that racist.

[A]

I didn't like now. What?

[C]

Like, the stuff he was doing, like, you know, quoting hip hop and all of that stuff. I mean, it was so. They were so out of touch. Because everybody I knew loved it, thought it was funny. When he called Vladi Diva. He called him Vladi Dottie. I remember that was. I burst it out laughing. I'm like, that's great, dude.

[D]

Cooler than the other side of the pillow. Was incredible.

[C]

Well, that's. That was an expression. I know, but I love that that existed. All right. I'm giving Vladi Dottie was his thing, though. I'm going with the original material here.

[D]

Bloody Dottie.

[A]

Lottie.

[C]

Dottie. I bursted out laughing.

[A]

And then there was, I guess, a.

[C]

Bunch of people there. Bunch of white people in Connecticut, Paul. Can you imagine? Yeah, that was really fascinating, dude. They were, like, talking about the way he dressed, that he was dressed in too black and all of this shit. It's like, you realize most of these sports are dominated by black athletes, and the white people watching it don't have a problem. Why would I then need this guy to go on set on. On camera with a blue blazer and it.

[D]

Wasn't he an athlete? I think he was an athlete that went to unc. I don't know if he played, like, on the.

[C]

Yeah, he went to Chapel Hill. You know what that reminds me of? Remember that. That first openly gay Player was playing for, like, the St. Louis Rams, and they kept asking questions, and then the one guy in the Rams is going like, yeah, man, it's no big deal.

[D]

You.

[C]

You guys are the ones making it a big deal.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

And he. He kissed his boyfriend after he got drafted.

[A]

And people are like, oh, God, I.

[D]

Fucking love his boyfriend sitting on, like, the ar. And his boyfriend was so much smaller. It was the greatest thing ever. He's just a skinny little dude. Oh, man, I was the best. Oh, we gotta show guys we didn't shout out the sponsor. We have to shout out the sponsor. Because if you want to come along with. With our picks, all you got to do is download the BetMGM app to your device and you put a minimum of $10 in the account and you make your first wager. If your wager loses, you'll get fifteen hundred dollars. In bonus bets. Use our code burr, very easy B U R R. And you could bet with us. And they also have the first touchdown promotion.

[C]

I will say this, though. I don't know. I don't think it's BetMGM, but one of these guys, one of these online betting things. You guys got to stop having these commercials where there's 50 people in a bar and everybody hit their bet. Okay? That's on television. Where there's rules of libel and slander. You're going to get hit with a false advertising lawsuit if you're not careful.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

And we always tell everybody, bet responsibly.

[C]

How about the one where they walk into that bar and nobody's friendly, friendly, so they better parlay. And then all the people who wanted to beat the shit out of them all of a sudden are rooting for their bet. I mean, I don't. I don't understand that one either.

[E]

They.

[C]

They need. They need a little help in the advertising department.

[D]

You know what? We can hang out and have a beer together.

[A]

That's all right. They got a parlay.

[C]

I was gonna kill him and his whole family. But you know what?

[B]

Oh.

[C]

The late game.

[E]

The bartender calls out that one athlete.

[D]

He's just listening.

[C]

No, like it's. It's ridiculous. Yeah, it's ridiculous. It's an SNL sketch waiting to happen. And if they keep going that far in that direction, I feel like some sketch show is going to show the. The real bar of 50 people with bets on the game anyway.

[D]

And also, guys, bet MG bet. MGM has the first touchdown promotion. You pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown, and you win. If you Don't. But that player, in fact gets the second touchdown, you get your stake back in cash. Bet responsibly. There you go. Our Monday night special is going to be the Indianapolis Colts getting six and a half old man Rivers to throw one and Jonathan Taylor to run one in. That's going to be a fun one. We're rooting for the old man on Monday night. I like that. That's fun.

[C]

Yeah, it's the holidays, Paul. It's the holidays.

[D]

Philippines.

[C]

If you don't have a heart this time of year, Paul, when, when will you.

[D]

That's right. And there you go. You guys have our picks. Bet responsibly. We will be back next week.

[C]

All right. Two movies I'm gonna go see this week. What's that song? Sung Blue. The Neil Diamond Story.

[D]

Huh? Huge Jack. What's in it? Hugh Jackman.

[C]

Yeah, that's a great Take a gummy.

[D]

I was gonna say take a gun.

[C]

Paul. I swear to God. I love a, I love a music biopic angle Bird Humperdinck. The I would sit there and why, like you're on a plane.

[D]

It's a music.

[C]

I don't give a who it is. I don't give it. They could do that. Pick a band. I'm gonna watch it. So I'm gonna go see that. And then also Will Arnett.

[E]

Oh yeah.

[C]

Stand up movie. Is this thing on? I was in New York work, I guess early. God, that came out quick. Earlier this year and he was going down the, the cellar with Bradley Cooper, who directed it.

[B]

Who?

[A]

Bradley Cooper.

[C]

You know, great actor, great director and all that. But I'll tell you something, his, his finest achievement is that cheesesteak right across from Thompson Square Park. My God. I mean, I, I love the man as an actor, but like the cheesesteak was. You gotta get it is all I'm saying. It's something in coops. I forget the name of the place.

[D]

I, I, I, I looked at it and I couldn't, I can't wait to go down there and get it. And I'm also going to go to Philly and I want to go to Skinny Joey's and I want to go to Angelo's. I want to try them all, dude, because I'm a, oh, I'm a sucker for a good.

[C]

At our age, you bring your wife, you split it. That's the most.

[D]

Yeah, no, I can't eat a whole one.

[C]

You can't eat a whole one. You fall asleep on the ride home. Chicago's right in the ravine and then where are you?

[D]

All right, guys, we'll see you next week. Enjoy football. And we only got a few weeks of this left until we get to the playoffs. Maybe my playoff record will be better. Talk to you guys soon.

[C]

Yeah, and thank you, everybody, for once again listening this year. All right, thank you. See you later, everybody.