Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast Episode Summary
Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-25
Released: January 16, 2025

Hosts: Bill Burr and Paul Verzi
Producer: All Things Comedy

---

1. Promoting the Stand-Up Special and Jimmy Kimmel Experience

[00:17]
Paul Verzi kicks off the episode by sharing his excitement about promoting his upcoming stand-up special set to release on Hulu on March 14th. He recounts his recent appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, highlighting the enjoyable experience he had both on stage and backstage.

“I did Jimmy Kimmel last night. I had a great time doing that. Got to do it with Jessica Gunning from Baby Reindeer. And then there was this killer band, Neil... they had like that Elton John vibe.”
– Paul Verzi [00:17]

Paul praises Jimmy Kimmel’s professionalism and the positive atmosphere of the green room, contrasting it with the less pleasant experience of dealing with autograph seekers upon exiting the show.

[02:04]
He narrates an amusing encounter with a young fan eager for an autograph, illustrating the sometimes overwhelming nature of fame.

“He fucking hands me this thing and all it is is just blank windows with nothing in there... I don't get it.”
– Paul Verzi [02:19]

2. Personal Anecdotes and Challenges

Paul shares personal stories, including his attempt to quit smoking cigars—a promise he broke by smoking a pipe instead, which his daughter caught.

“[...] so I was smoking a pipe, and I was thinking, all right, well, it's not a cigar. It's also not as bad... But I did it. And then I came inside and she smelled it on me.”
– Paul Verzi [05:00]

He discusses adopting a "California sober" approach, substituting cigars with less harmful alternatives, and the challenges that come with maintaining personal commitments.

3. Commentary on News, Politics, and Society

[07:10]
Paul expresses his frustration with the politicization of everyday topics, lamenting how even neutral subjects like making pancakes become political battlegrounds.

“Listen to this fucking shit. Like when you go out of there, when you leave the Kimmel show... It’s unbelievable.”
– Paul Verzi [07:10]

He criticizes the sensationalism of 24-hour news networks and their detrimental impact on public perception and mental health.

“I don't watch the news and I gotta tell you, I'm really happy. Happier, I should say.”
– Paul Verzi [08:42]

4. Relationships and Family Life

Paul touches on his personal life, sharing a story about his daughter disciplining him for breaking his promise not to smoke cigars. This segment highlights his struggles with maintaining personal boundaries and the influence of family on his behavior.

“Then I came inside and she smelled it on me. She’s like, dad, did you smoke? I said, I smoked a pipe.”
– Paul Verzi [06:00]

5. Sports Talk: NFL Playoffs and Team Analysis

A significant portion of the podcast is dedicated to sports, particularly the NFL playoffs. Paul and Bill Burr discuss various teams, player performances, and their predictions for upcoming games.

[03:09]
Paul recaps his time off the Jimmy Kimmel show and transitions into discussing the current NFL playoff scene.

“Playoffs. The always the weirdest thing.”
– Paul Verzi [03:09]

[23:29]
They analyze mismatches and team performances, focusing on the Seattle Seahawks, Atlanta Falcons, and Houston Texans. Paul expresses his initial misjudgment in predicting the Falcons' success.

“So I did a couple podcasts today that will be coming out...”
– Paul Verzi [04:30]

[44:46]
Bill Burr delves into the Super Bowl predictions, criticizing the performance and demeanor of teams like the Seattle Seahawks and praising coaches like Pete Carroll.

“I got to go back to get ready to do this play... I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm sad.”
– Bill Burr [04:30]

[86:07]
The discussion intensifies as they evaluate the performance of teams like the Ravens, Bills, and Chiefs. They debate quarterback performances, coaching strategies, and the impact of player health on game outcomes.

“I don't know. But I did think whoever was doing that take on it, that they had $70 million to play with because it's gonna get better.”
– Bill Burr [101:12]

6. Listener Interactions and Q&A

Throughout the episode, listeners contribute via questions and comments. Paul and Bill respond to these, offering advice and sharing their perspectives on various topics.

[117:33]
A listener inquires about betting patterns related to the Ravens and Bills, sparking a discussion on sportsbook strategies and betting behaviors.

“Does that make any sense?”
– Bill Burr [117:49]

[124:18]
Another listener seeks advice on moving out and dealing with anxiety and depression, to which Paul provides empathetic and practical suggestions.

“And then I was like, who's gonna get me a good time.”
– Bill Verzi [07:10]

7. Closing Remarks and Final Thoughts

In the concluding segments, Bill and Paul wrap up their sports predictions, discuss upcoming playoff games, and reflect on the broader implications of their conversations. They emphasize the importance of community and support, especially during challenging times.

“All right, here you go. All right, enjoy the music picked out by Andrew the Less.”
– Paul Verzi [34:54]

They also remind listeners to tune into their upcoming specials and express gratitude for the audience's support.

---

Notable Quotes

• Paul Verzi [02:17]: “He fucking hands me this thing and all it is is just blank windows with nothing in there... I don't get it.”

• Paul Verzi [08:42]: “I don't watch the news and I gotta tell you, I'm really happy. Happier, I should say.”

• Bill Burr [101:12]: “I got to go back to get ready to do this play... I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm sad.”

• Paul Verzi [07:10]: “Listen to this fucking shit. Like when you go out of there, when you leave the Kimmel show... It’s unbelievable.”

• Bill Burr [117:49]: “Less people are taking the spread, more people are betting the money line? Is that what you're saying?”

---

Final Thoughts

This episode of the Monday Morning Podcast blends humor with candid conversations about personal struggles, societal issues, and the unpredictable nature of sports. Bill Burr and Paul Verzi engage listeners with their unfiltered perspectives, memorable anecdotes, and sharp commentary, making it a compelling listen for fans of raw and relatable podcast content.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on?

[Paul Verzi]

It's Bill Burr and it's time for.

[Bill Burr]

The Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

[Paul Verzi]

And I'm just checking in, checking in on you.

[Bill Burr]

Woo. Oh my God.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, Billy.

[Paul Verzi]

Fucking running his yap. I'm press boy this week promoting my stand up special that's coming out on Hulu March 14th. I did Jimmy Kimmel last night. I had a great time doing that. Got to do it with Jessica Gunning from Baby Reindeer. And then there was this killer band, Neil, I'm spacing on his name, but they had like that Elton John vibe. Killer drummer, bass player was amazing too. And the guitar player, everybody was amazing. Jimmy Kimmel, of course, as always, lobbing it over the net, as every great talk show host does. Had a great time doing that. You know what's funny? Listen to this fucking shit. Like when you go out of there, when you leave the Kimmel show, which is a great hang, you know, he's got a great green room, you know, and there's people hanging out, sort of like a, like a, like lounge vibe. It's really cool. And everybody at the show is like, super nice. But when you leave, there's this little alleyway to the, to the, to the parking lot. So the, the, you know, the professional autograph people, you know, the ones who act like your biggest fan and they for some reason just happen to have 42 things for you to sign and they just throw it on the Internet. They don't give a fuck. They throw it up on ebay and. Oh, whatever, right? So I'm come walking out, right? Felt like the segment went really well. So, you know, they're fucking standing there hanging over the fence. So it's like, all right, you know, let me go over and sign some of these things. So there's this fucking kid there, his voice hadn't even changed yet.

[Bill Burr]

He's like, bill, Bill, could you sign this?

[Jake the Snake]

I gotta be the biggest fan, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

And he.

[Paul Verzi]

He fucking hands me this thing and all it is is just blank windows with nothing in there, which is weird. They have you sign the plastic, then they stick like a card in.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't.

[Paul Verzi]

I don't get it. Really.

[Bill Burr]

And he kept going, I'm the biggest fan.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh my God, I love the Mandalorian.

[Bill Burr]

Bill, Bill, just one more, Bill, just one.

[Paul Verzi]

I'm fucking signing this shit. I'm signing. And he keeps jumping over people.

[Bill Burr]

It's freaking the fuck out.

[Paul Verzi]

And then, you know, I signed like, you know, a bunch of these fucking things. And then as I turn around like the second I turned around and that little kid knew I was walking away. He went from bell, bell, bell, Bell.

[Bill Burr]

Then I hear the same voice.

[Paul Verzi]

He just goes, hey, dude, that's my pen.

[Jake the Snake]

It was all an act.

[Bill Burr]

Completely.

[Paul Verzi]

Didn't give a fuck.

[Bill Burr]

Oh my God, Bill. And then the second I walk away, hey man, give me my pen back. Alright guys, see you later. Let's wrap it up, right? So then I'm driving out of the place.

[Paul Verzi]

He's. He had run down to where you drive out and he's.

[Bill Burr]

The fucking fence.

[Jake the Snake]

And I want to be a dude.

[Bill Burr]

I already signed like 20 of your fucking things. And I also heard the way you.

[Paul Verzi]

Said, can I have the pen back? You totally confirmed that you don't give a fuck about me, which is fine.

[Bill Burr]

And I get it. It's a little business thing.

[Paul Verzi]

You earned your money. You came down here, I signed you things.

[Bill Burr]

Go, go.

[Paul Verzi]

Whatever the fuck you think you're gonna get for them, go do it right. So I drive out of there. To the left was a bunch of traffic. So I go to the right and I fucking drive like three football fields. I get to the stop sign, I'm sitting behind a car and all of a sudden, scared the shit out of me.

[Jake the Snake]

This same fucking kid knocks on me and went up.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, I felt like I was in Halloween.

[Paul Verzi]

Like when fucking Mike Myers jumped up.

[Bill Burr]

On the station wagon fucking window. I was like, what the fuck?

[Paul Verzi]

I was like, kid, kid, you're gonna get hit by a car. Come on, man. I sign these things now you make.

[Bill Burr]

You know, because he's got that high.

[Paul Verzi]

Pitched voice, it's making you feel bad. Like you're leaving some orphan without his porridge or some shit. So I make a left and I just drive. I gotta get away from this fucking kid, right? So I drive and make a left.

[Jake the Snake]

And I look in my rearview mirror.

[Paul Verzi]

And he's running down the fucking street like those, those paper boys in that, that 80s movie. $2.

[Bill Burr]

$2.

[Paul Verzi]

So then I banged a right and another. I was driving where I didn't even want to fucking go just to get away from this kid, but shout out to him, man. Fucking kid was dedicated. But dude, I wish you could. I'm not even doing it justice. The way he switched and the way his voice dropped down like three octaves to just the businessman he already was. 11 years old. Bail Bell. Bail Bell. Bail. Hey, let me get my pen back. I got a good laugh. I definitely got free when he knocked on the window. Holy. That scared the hell out of me. Anyway, so, yeah, I'm doing the. I'm doing the press thing.

[Jake the Snake]

This.

[Paul Verzi]

This the way old Billy press boy, you know, one week, get out there, you fucking.

[Bill Burr]

You.

[Paul Verzi]

You run your yap youp promote your shit, and then you fucking go away before they get sick of you. That's. That's how the game's played. So I did. I did a couple podcasts today that will be coming out, so I don't know if you can announce them. I. Everything's all fucking weird now. You never know how to do these things. But anyway, thank you for all the nice things you guys wrote about the. The Kimmel thing. Jimmy's the best. You know, you just go out there, you just feel like you're hanging out. Reminded me when I used to do Conan show and all of that stuff. Like, all the. All the great ones. Just, you know, you forget you're doing the show, you know, so. And his band sounded killer, man. So anyway, yeah, just running around doing all of that today and getting geared up. The. Was I gonna talk about. Oh, I know. I know. I was gonna talk about. My daughter busted me because I agreed not to smoke cigars, right? So I wasn't smoking cigars. Supposed to go another hundred days, which. I actually like that she does that. But I find I found, like, way around it, I was smoking a pipe, and I was thinking, all right, well, it's not a cigar. It's also not as bad. And I also don't really like smoking a pipe, so I'll just kind of do that once a week. But I did it. And then I came inside and she smelled it on me. She's like, dad, did you smoke? I said, I smoked a pipe. And she's just going, dad. I go, you said, no cigars. She goes, no cigars, no pipes, no. No smoking. And I went, all right, all right. So now I'm like, off.

[Jake the Snake]

Off.

[Paul Verzi]

I did the California sober thing with the. With the. With smoking rather than, you know, people say, I'm sober. California sober means you still eat gummies and like that. Which, by the way, you know, I don't know. One of the things I. I kind of liked about doing Kimmel last night is I made sure I stayed, like, apolitical. And people still. They just politicize everything. It's fucking unbelievable. You could literally go on a morning talk show and show them how to fucking make blueberry pancakes. And why'd you pick blueberries?

[Bill Burr]

Blue.

[Paul Verzi]

Blue ties, but fucking liberal pancakes.

[Bill Burr]

Fuck this guy.

[Paul Verzi]

Let's show you guys how to make strawberry shortcake red, red tie.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking Trumper piece of shit.

[Paul Verzi]

It's just like, it's, it's unbelievable. But fortunately, it's not most people. It's just these people that like, you know, like the thing where like if you're in jail too long, you don't, you don't even know how to live outside. They say you're institutionalized. I feel like when, when you either are on the Internet long enough reading Conspiracy Theory, God knows I did that a good 12 years ago on this podcast or you watch those 24 hour news networks, it just does something to your brain that isn't healthy. So I'm kind of hoping, you know.

[Jake the Snake]

I know.

[Paul Verzi]

I think it would be a lot better. I don't watch the news and I gotta tell you, I'm really happy. Happier, I should say. Let's not get crazy. I'm way happier. I think of all the news that I watched in my lifetime, the amount of it that ever helped me, the only thing, the only news that ever really helps you is the Weather Channel. Like if they let you know a hurricane's coming or where the fires are or whatever, like that helps you out. But all of this other shit, what is it? All it does is just fucking. I don't know about you, I watch this shit and I got my fucking head in the stove by the time I'm done. So anyway, it's really weird and, and, and how they got like states not liking other states. It's fucking bizarre. Like the amount of shit that people think that Los Angeles is or California is, you can just tell they've never been to California. It's like fucking. Or they came out to California with their mind already made up. And I get out there and I see this chick with fake tits, I'm.

[Bill Burr]

Like, there you go.

[Paul Verzi]

It's like this fake tit everywhere now. Or like people out here that I listen to them talk about Florida and Texas, like their idea of it. It's like you've never been to those places. Here's something, here's an exercise for you. Why don't you take a vacation to a state you hate and go there with an open mind and just go there and say, I'm going to have a good time. And I guarantee you you're going to, I guarantee you you're going to meet people that you like and I guarantee that you're gonna have a good fucking time.

[Bill Burr]

All right?

[Paul Verzi]

But if you want to go there with your fucking nose in the air thinking you know everything and that your way of Living or your political view or whatever, your religion, whatever there or your race is the be all fucking end all. You're not gonna have a good time anywhere you go.

[Bill Burr]

All right, that's.

[Jake the Snake]

That's one to grow on. That's one to grow.

[Paul Verzi]

Anyway, I'm in my new podcast studio.

[Andrew]

The.

[Paul Verzi]

Sitting in my car. This is what I do now. I sit in the car when I do the. Whenever I do the part and the kids are home, I got to do it in the car. Because even if I'm in the garage, the way they yell, screaming and yelling, running around, having a good time listening to AC DC or God knows what they're doing, it just sort of bleeds into the background.

[Jake the Snake]

So anyway, anyway, so obviously we're putting.

[Paul Verzi]

Together a benefit and to try to do something. And then I've had other people, you know, musicians that are doing their own benefits and stuff like that. So as always, performers, you know, are gonna fucking do what we do and raise some fucking money and all of that. And, you know, people will still say we're assholes, but it's like any job, you know what I mean? It's like, okay, let's.

[Bill Burr]

Let's.

[Paul Verzi]

Let's pick a fucking red state. We're gonna go with Arkansas. Billy Joe, what was that guy? Billy Ray Smith, Arkansas Razorbacks, way back in the day.

[Bill Burr]

So.

[Paul Verzi]

Like, if they were gonna show Arkansas, they would find the two dumbest fucking guys they could find with Trump hats on and just let them talk. And then they would be like, this is Arkansas. Right? Which it isn't. But they would say that that's what it is, right? And that happens with everything. Like out here in la, you know, you saw that transitioning firefighter that became all LA Fire Department, right? That's all that. Yep, that's exactly what it is. And you've never been here, so you know what it is, right? And then they do that with, like, the entertainment business. The entertainers are defined by the most obnoxious douchebags, speeches on award shows. And they're like, that's what they are.

[Jake the Snake]

There they are.

[Paul Verzi]

What show is that? There was one of those talk shows a long time ago. Was it Jerry Springer? I just remember watching that show, one of those fucking shows. And I was just going, this show is so fucking bad for men and women relations, race relations, all relations. Because what they. They basically had the worst representation of every fucking. It was actually. It was so fucked up. It was like, fascinating. We're gonna have a white guy on.

[Bill Burr]

Well, we can't just have A white guy.

[Paul Verzi]

Let's get a guy in the Klan. Did you watch that fucking documentary about that, by the way? And that arrogant ass that was like. I was like, no, this is great television. Like that guy where he just acted like he was around the corner and we were all trying to keep up with them. It's like, no, dude, you're just showing a fucking shit show. And he was trying to act like what he was doing was, like, deep. And it's like, no, you are just. You have. You don't give a fuck about anybody. You don't give a shit about what you're putting out there. You just want to have ratings and make money. That's all you want to do. Oh, my God, the ego on that guy. I had to, like, shut it off after a while. It's like, I can't sit there and watch this guy crawl any further up his own. You would have thought he did Citizen Kane, the way he was sitting there talking about himself. Anyway, I mean, you know, that show just was not at the level of some of my jokes. All right, sorry. This is a up podcast. I'm a little loopy right now. I've talked all day promoting a special that isn't coming out for another fucking 60 days. I'm a little confused on that, but I don't pretend to understand anything anymore. I. I'm getting into my. I feel like Grandpa, Grandpa, go over here and just sit down.

[Jake the Snake]

What is it, Flash? You know?

[Paul Verzi]

So anyway, what's coming up this weekend? We got more playoffs. Playoffs. The always the weirdest thing. Oh, look at that. Nice couple. Nice couple going for a fucking walk, you know? You know, studies have shown people that hike together are 80% more likely to stay together than people who jog sharing a treadmill, because it's like they're both jogging, but not at the same time. So there's. There's a disconnect.

[Jake the Snake]

There's.

[Paul Verzi]

There's a desensitization. There's always those people out there, just like anything that you're into, you know, I'm down to a cup of coffee. Like, that's literally my vice every day. I don't even with sugar anymore. Okay? I got nothing. Like, coffee is all I have. And now everybody is on the Internet talking about when you go to get a cup of coffee, you. You now got to bring your own glass cup because the paper cup is plastic lined in the heat of the coffee causes microplastics to get into your drink that for some reason, you don't. You don't pee or poop it out, it goes to your brain. Which I don't understand. Is that because it's just completely foreign, like trans fats. Like, your body doesn't know what to do with it. Like trans fats your body. Like, I don't know what to do with this. So it just stores it in your belly like junk mail. Like, why don't you just throw it out? I mean, I thought God was like, this is my problem with God. He fucking makes things that make trans fats that then go into something that he made that it now doesn't know how to deal with it. If this guy was all knowing, he would know that some of the people that he was making were sociopaths and they would poison the food supply to the point you can't even get a cup of coffee without having plastic stuck to your fucking brain. Why would he make people like that? I'm asking. I'm seriously asking that question. I would love to have a debate here. If you believe in a God that cares, a loving God, and do you subscribe to what religions say that we're all born good people and then bad people make the choice to be bad. They, they, they side with the devil. You know what I mean? You have all of this science, the enemy of religion. Like, that shows how, like, some people are born and they're just sociopaths and they don't feel anything and they don't have any empathy or anything like that. They're like born that way. So you didn't choose the devil, so it's almost like a birth defect, right? They're like mentally ill or something. And God made that person so before the devil could even talk to him, they were in the fucking womb that was so polluted, they fucking came out as a baby sociopath. You just don't know because they're going goo goo gaga.

[Jake the Snake]

You see what I'm saying?

[Paul Verzi]

Like, that's the part I don't get. You know what I mean? Or like, you know, like, like serial killers. They'll be like, that man is the devil. And it's like, no, that man was a baby. A God created baby and then became a fucking serial killer. Like, what? Oh, dude, that's a good name for a special, for a fat comic. You just have a giant bowl of cornflakes in front of you with a big wooden spoon and you're shoving it in your mouth in the name of your, your special serial killer.

[Bill Burr]

Is that bad? I'm sorry.

[Paul Verzi]

Do you know, one time I was hanging out with Comics, what else would I be be doing? And we were trying to come up with the most. I forget why. Cuz somebody had a stand up special. Oh God, this is like 20 years ago. Oh, what? I wouldn't say it anyways, but it was a special that just had this funny name to it which got us all thinking, like, what's the most? You know, it was like one of these specials that like somebody named that was. It was like arrogant. So we were all like laughing at how arrogant that was. So we were all sitting around trying to think of the most arrogant name you could come up with for a stand up special. And the one that I remembered that made me laugh the most was Game over. And it's just a picture you and you have like this fucking look on your face, you know, like, yeah, I just did that shit. And your hand is open. That's. This is the poster. And the mic is already dropping to the floor. Game over. Yo, he just ended the standup game as we know it anyway. All right. How much more fucking time do I have? I don't have any advertising. You know, when you go on TV and you support someone who killed a CEO, the advertising starts to dip. Still was a funny joke though. Anyway, I'm getting ready to head. I'm getting ready to go back to get ready to do this play. I'm. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm sad. But we're gonna. I don't know, I'm gonna figure all of this out. So. Anyway, I don't have. I don't even have any fucking advertising. I still got nine more. Eight and a half more fucking minutes to fill here. What am I gonna talk about? What do you talk about when you talk to yourself? You don't have a fucking guest and you already talk for nine hours today on podcast. What do. What do you talk about? I will tell you what I'm not excited about is going back to that fucking -20 degree fucking weather they're having in New York City. Not looking forward to that. But that's gonna be weird. Like living there. I have not lived there since 2007, which doesn't seem that long ago to me, but that's 18 fucking years ago. Like someone had a baby the day I left in New York City, and that baby is now legally an adult. Yes, Bill, we know what 18 is. I left 16 and a half years ago. Which means if somebody had a baby the day I left, they would be eligible to get their license to drive a vehicle. Thank you, Bill. Thank You. I forgot what age you do things in life. Thank God there's a podcast that's tackling these tough subjects. All right, I don't know, what, am I gonna talk playoff football here? Who's left? Who the fuck is left? How about the Vikings? Jesus Christ. How about those poor goddamn Vikings fans? I mean, how many times are they gonna go 15 and 1, 14 and 2, 15 and now it's like 15 and 2. Back in the day, 15 and 1, 14 and 2. Now they go 15 and 2. They weren't even in that fucking game for a second. For a second.

[Jake the Snake]

Then everybody's making all.

[Paul Verzi]

You know what the worst thing is now? Now that your team. Not only does your team fucking lose, you gotta deal with, like, the. The Instagram. I gotta tell you, man, like, how, you know, like, the level of funny that regular people are. Like, some of the comments sections, I even like announcing my. Just my special on Twitter. Some of the shit people said that, you know who didn't like me? Like, it was hilarious. Even, like, the. Just the simple childish ones. Like, hey, man, my new Special's coming out March 14th on Hulu.

[Jake the Snake]

Check it out if you got time.

[Paul Verzi]

And somebody just wrote all Z's.

[Jake the Snake]

And I showed it to Nia.

[Paul Verzi]

I go, nia, I was cracking up.

[Jake the Snake]

I go, look what somebody wrote.

[Paul Verzi]

And she bursted out laughing. She goes, that's funny. I'm like, yeah, it is. It's mean.

[Jake the Snake]

It's childish.

[Paul Verzi]

It's completely unnecessary. It's everything that makes something funny. So.

[Jake the Snake]

Anyway, but that's what I always do.

[Paul Verzi]

I always, like, I announce something or I put something out, and I always read until I get to the first negative one. And then I just sort of do the math and hopefully it balances out on the positive side. And then you just. You just fight.

[Jake the Snake]

You move forward. You just try to move forward. That's what you do.

[Paul Verzi]

Anyway, I did. I've been playing a lot more guitar lately. But you know something? I did this guy's podcast today because that's the thing I'm worried about. Like, man, I'm not even going to be able to play drums when I'm in New York for five. However long I'm gonna be there. What am I gonna do? And there's this little thing that, like, Roland makes or something, and it has, like, you know, I don't know how many different pads on it. You can get all these different sounds and you can just kind of play quietly. It was really cool. But still get, like, you know, not lose a lot of Muscle memory or whatever. But it was just weird where everything was, like, set up, but it was also somebody else's setup, like where they had, like, the hi hat and where they had the snare drum and that type of. So it's like they had the hi hat to the right where you would have your ride symbol. So then what was weird is if you wanted to play like 16th notes using two hands because the snare was to the left, you then had the lead with your left. It was kind of bizarre, to be honest with you, but it gave me hope, I guess. All right, you know, maybe that. That could be like my little drum outlet so I don't forget everything that. That I learned. But in the meantime, I think I'm just gonna play a bunch of guitar. I started like, you know what's so up is how your phone listens to you. I was talking to somebody. Oh, Dave Kushner. Dave Kushner, who has his own master class. And I was like, dave, do me a favor. Just show me a guitar lick. Give me something that sounds cool. That's easy. So you show me this little three note thing, right? And I was talking to him, and he was just talking about music theory, theory and stuff. And we were just sitting there talking about that shit. And next thing you know, next thing, you know, what happens, I get all of this shit on my Instagram about music theory, which to me, nothing, nothing scares the shit out of me as far as like. Or not, I can't say. Scares the shit out of the ocean's the big one. The fucking like. Just that whole idea of musical theory, that there's these theories about music, and music, to me, has always felt like it's not on a piece of paper, that it just sort of like. I remember somebody describing Stevie Ray Vaughn's playing and was saying he was just like this open channel. He was just tapped in, you know, to something. And it was like the music was the. The ideas were coming from above him and just flowing through him. Like, that's how I picture how people make music. I don't feel like it's like. Well, if you just look at the guitar and you start viewing it as rather than six strings, it's two strings. And what you notice is that the same two notes on the E and the A are then going to be move up two frets to the D and the G, and then it's three frets for the bottom one. And it's just like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, that's amazing. You just took all the fun out of this. No, but I. I do think it's like a good thing to. To try and understand the guitar, like fretboard, because it's just. It's always been a mystery to me and how these people can find notes, you know, it's always been amazing to me. But, like, you know, I don't know. To me, like, that immediately becomes like, you know, like when. When people, like, try to break down stand up comedy and they're just going like, well, see what. What he's doing there is that. That's called a reversal. He's doing a reverse.

[Jake the Snake]

See, he's.

[Paul Verzi]

He's doing this and then he reverses it on you. And then the crowd's like, ooh, ooh, where is he going with this? And then he says that and that he's. He's creating tension. He's building this tension that he's like a balloon. It's like a balloon that is like, what. What the fuck are we talking about here? How did we go from fucking two guys walking to a bar to you talking about a balloon that's about to fucking burst? Yeah, like you're fucking explaining why people laugh. Like, I don't know. To me, that's like one of the most dangerous things ever. Like, if I ever stop and think I've done it, I've been on stage and I start thinking. Sometimes I, you know, I just feel like I'm talking, right?

[Jake the Snake]

But every once in a while, I.

[Paul Verzi]

Get outside myself and I'm like, everybody's laughing right now.

[Jake the Snake]

This is kind of weird.

[Paul Verzi]

I just feel like I'm just talking.

[Jake the Snake]

About what I think about this.

[Paul Verzi]

Why are they laughing? The second I think that, the second I think that, the laughter starts trailing off. I don't know what I'm talking about. Christ, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. All right, so I got to get the cardio in when I'm not doing this. Neighborhood watch guys. So funny. What a neighborhood watch people, they just drive up and down the street in a van. I wonder what they think about, you know? God, it's gotta be boring just driving around the same fucking neighborhood. Then what happens if a house gets broken into? Do you get to yell at them?

[Jake the Snake]

The are we paying you for?

[Paul Verzi]

They drive by it like fucking 20 miles an hour. So it's just like.

[Jake the Snake]

What are you doing?

[Paul Verzi]

You just driving around? Maybe it's. It's presence. Police presence.

[Jake the Snake]

Is that what they're trying to do?

[Paul Verzi]

I have no idea.

[Jake the Snake]

Anyway.

[Paul Verzi]

I'm hoping the Wind dies down out here and we can go back to, you know, a little more of a normal life. And then those of us who got lucky can help out those who didn't. And that we don't politicize the whole thing. We don't play the blame game or anything like that. I mean, what the. I mean, it's so stupid. I mean, if you really want to get into this, this whole fucking city shouldn't even be here. Going back hundreds of years, why are you gonna blame people now for this inevitable thing that we all knew was gonna happen? That we all knew, by the way, it's funny how certain people are like trying to take credit. Like, you know, I said that was gonna. Oh, did you? You, you were the one who said it.

[Jake the Snake]

Everybody is.

[Paul Verzi]

I've been out, I've been coming out to LA since 1994. And since 1994 they said at the right fucking set of circumstances, this fucking thing's gonna, you know, it's gonna happen. The big earthquake, you're gonna fall into the ocean, like all of that shit. They've been saying that since I have been out here, but somehow it gets, you know, attributed to like one person, which is, which is amazing. My favorite thing is the cleaning up.

[Jake the Snake]

Why didn't you clean up?

[Paul Verzi]

Why don't you pick up all the sticks?

[Bill Burr]

Man?

[Paul Verzi]

Had you just picked up all the sticks, then what? The trees wouldn't catch on fire? I don't understand. Trees are still flammable whether there's sticks around them or not. Embers are still going to go miles and miles and miles in a hundred knot winds. I don't fucking get it. I mean, but I don't know shit about fires.

[Jake the Snake]

Maybe I'm fucking wrong, but like, you.

[Paul Verzi]

Know, I mean, the reality is another thing too. Like maybe everybody out here, we should stop, you know, we should just start having like. You'll see people out here, they have like the. They only have plants that are indigenous out here. So their front yard looks like roadrunner and coyote, you know. Can cacti catch on fire? I have no idea. But I can guarantee you somebody who doesn't live in a state with cacti knows the answer to that and is a hundred percent sure of themselves.

[Jake the Snake]

Whatever.

[Paul Verzi]

I don't want to get involved in that. I just really feel like when things like this happen, I just fucking hate how it always becomes the fucking rich people, all they fucking do, all these news channels do, all they ever fucking do is try to keep us fucking divided. It's unbelievable. It was a Fucking fire. People are homeless. They need help.

[Jake the Snake]

The.

[Paul Verzi]

Are you talking about Democrats and Republicans? Sorry, had to get that out. All right, so I think we're putting together a benefit and that's going to be happening the end of July, January, right before I head out to New York. And, you know, unlike what, a lot of people who don't live here, they don't realize there's a bunch of great people out here in la, people that are from California, people that moved out here, people in show business, people not in show business. They're fucking great people. And they're your fellow countrymen. So don't let these fucking news channels make you hate your own fucking people. All right, that's it. Okay. Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew the Less. And we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Yeah, that's it.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, I'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 16, 2017. What's going on? How are ya? How are you, everybody? And Happy Luther King Day to everybody. You know, Happy Martin Luther King Day. You know, for those of you. That means something to you. For those of you who just. Yeah, you know, it's another day off. It's just like when it's Georgie or Amy's birthday in February. Do we get those days off? Huh? The two whiteies there. The two whiteies in February. I believe it's in February. Right? During Black History Month. You still got a shoehorn, George Washington Day and Lincoln's birthday in there. Correct? Then you got another whitey. And whitey, you got another whitey. And in March with St. Patrick, huh? You pasty face son of a bitch. Right? Then in April, who do you got? Oh, here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down.

[Bill Burr]

The bunny trail, right?

[Jake the Snake]

With his own little white bunny. Yes, Right. Then what do you got? You got in May. Who's that? Is that Abe Vagoda Day? I don't know. I run out somewhere around there. Those are weird, the dog days of the year. It's like fucking, you know, Flag Day. Then I always get Memorial Day and Labor Day. Memorial Day is May, right? Memorial Day. Memorial Day is in May. We recognize all the veterans, you know, that fought for your freedom. So you can sit around, eat fucking dip and shit, right? Changing all your fucking VCR tapes over to fucking DVDs and then to a little fucking stick, whatever the fuck it is you do that Day, right? And you got July 4th, so everybody can go around and fucking, you know, trade stories about their uncle that blew his fucking fingers off because he never got married. He was trying to impress his nephews and nieces, right? You're so cool, Uncle Jimmy, right? See, you see that right there, son? You see that right there?

[Bill Burr]

That's why I told you your Uncle.

[Jake the Snake]

Jimmy ain't no good, all right? So I don't want to quit your crack, all right?

[Bill Burr]

I don't want to hear it no more. We ain't going over Uncle Jimmy's, okay? He's over there with loose fucking women.

[Jake the Snake]

And he's playing with them firecrackers, right? So that's July 4th, then August. August is kind of like a month that's up for grabs. No Jewish holidays, no. Hey, remember Jesus did this for you. What do you say there, Muslims? What do you got? You got something that month. How about you Buddhists? Buddhists don't give a shit, right? They're like, hey, man, like every day is for everybody.

[Paul Verzi]

And it's just like, as long as.

[Jake the Snake]

We'Re sitting around and feeling the breeze. That's what I'm trying to be, you know? I'm trying to be that person. Today was going to be my 10th day in a row to meditate. But I didn't. I woke up late and I had to take my lady over to the doctors, and. And I just. I just got up late, you know, I had this fucking weird ass dream too. I had this weird dream where I was. Went out my back porch and I was watching these helicopters flying in formation and dive bomb in my neighborhood. I was like, what the fuck are they doing that for? And then one of them lost control. And I had this weird view from my house that I've never had before. And it was just basically the cockpit, you know, and the engine, that part in the skids. No main rotor, no tail, no tail rotor, nothing else. And for some reason it wasn't tipping over in falling to the ground like a trash can or most likely inverting. It just. It just went straight and it sort of landed. And I ran down there. I was in my underwear. Because you're always in your underwear and in your dreams, right? You never have your pants on. It's so fucking weird. There's always, with mine, there's always that level of humiliation. No matter what's going on, I can't.

[Bill Burr]

Find my pants, right?

[Jake the Snake]

Anyway, so the fucking thing lands. So I run up and then I'm thinking like, wait a minute, do I want to see the carnage that is in there. And then all these people showed up with, like, cell phone cameras and stuff. And I was standing there, my underwear. And I ran home. That was that. They go, there's your dream to interpret for the week, all right? Because I'm not going to therapy anymore. Because I spent enough fucking money, you know, with somebody daydreaming with the goddamn Notebook, right? And none of them ever look like that broad on the Sopranos, let's be honest. Right?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

So I started. I woke up late, all right? So I need to fucking relax, quiet my mind, make it more of a still pond. Whenever a rock falls into the pond, what happens? The waters ripple. Yes, the waters ripple. And if too many rocks fall in, what happens? There starts to be a storm. And this is what I want you to pay attention to today. During today's meditation, is your brain a still pond? Or can you hear the screaming, watery death of 1200 passengers going under the.

[Paul Verzi]

Water of your mind?

[Jake the Snake]

Sorry, I lost it.

[Paul Verzi]

I don't know what the fuck I was talking about.

[Jake the Snake]

Anyways, I owe some apologies this week. Apology number one. I owe an apology to the fucking Atlanta Falcons. I owe an apology to the Houston Texans.

[Bill Burr]

I owe an apology to Meryl Streep.

[Jake the Snake]

Evidently, according to Twitter, according to one person. All right, let's start with the Seattle Seahawks, right? You know, I thought those were going to be the dirty, filthy, stinking, disease carrying birds that were going to win that game. I said last week, and I kind of quote, you know who got off easy this weekend? The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks. Because the Cowboys and the packers are going to beat the fuck out of each other. And the Steelers and the fucking Chiefs are going to beat the shit out of each other. Right? And then all we got to do is play the winner. Assuming that these two teams were just going to waltz to the AFC and NFC Championship game as if that is a given. Well, let's start with the Atlanta Falcons. I picked the wrong dirty birds. Very impressive win. And I know Seattle fans are going to be like, we had some major injuries, which they did coming into the game, and then they lost another guy. I understand that, okay? I totally understand that. Seattle fans, you're 100% right. Christ, I can hear you crying from here.

[Bill Burr]

Your stadium is so loud.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, my God, are those Seattle? See, they're so loud. I'm so sick of espn, like, just ignoring that entire fact. They just don't. Do you know what it is? You know it is. They can't. They have the ability to separate themselves from the truth. That's what I really respect from ESPN is they can just separate themselves with truth and just go for the money. They don't give a. About what's right or none of them give a. They're just saying to say so. Idiots like me get upset and yell at their fucking TV and keep watching. And then what do they do? They get some more haberdashery, right? They, they, you know, they, they get, they get a bigger fucking whatever the fuck it is they're after over there. A new tie tack. I don't know. I don't know what motivates people that want to sit around in suits talking about sports. Why do they wear suits, by the way? Can anybody explain that to me? Why are they all sitting there like they're on Meet the Press when they're talking? I just. I don't fucking understand it, you know? And it's contagious. Talking. Standing in a fucking suit talking about sports is so fucking contagious. Ben Roethlisberger.

[Bill Burr]

Ben, Big Ben. I ain't wearing no fucking helmet when I ride a motorcycle.

[Jake the Snake]

Showed up dressed, dare I say dressed to the fucking night. He looked like a million bucks from the fucking neck down. His suit was fucking sharp. He had a pocket square. The tie, the shirt, the whole fucking thing. He was killing it, okay? O.J. would have got off a second time if he wore that fucking suit he had on Sunday. However, from the neck up, you just look at him going like, this Guy crushes a 12 pack while eating a rite of french fries. I know he does, okay? Why? You know, you know what he looked like? He looked like a guy. He looked like a convicted drunk driver trying to get his license back. Now you promised me you're not going to do this again. Yes, your honor, absolutely. I've seen the error of my ways, you know. Still all puffy. I'm fucking with you. I love Ben Roethlisberger, but seeing him in a suit, you know, he was. He was all grown up. I'm proud of him. So my apologies, the Atlanta Falcons. And I'm not going to know anybody's fucking names, okay? I don't know anybody's names. I know Julio Jones and I know Sherman. You know who Julio Jones made look, he made him look. I wouldn't, I would never say regular because Sherman is the shit. He made him look a little bit and I've never seen him do that. Cuz that guy still shuts down his part of the fucking field, all right? And he made him look kind of, you know, this guy's pretty good. He's got some pretty good footwork there. And also, I thought he. When Camp Chancellor came up, where he usually just fucking lays the fucking lumber, Julio Jones dropped his shoulder, absorbed the shit, and dare I say. I'm not gonna say he put Cam on his back, but it was not an issue that Cam hit him. And that really surprised me. And I don't know.

[Paul Verzi]

I don't know any of the fucking names.

[Jake the Snake]

I've say Atlanta's fucking running back, whatever the fuck his name is, the one who doesn't pretend to eat cereal whenever he fucking gets a few yards. That's the Cowboys one. He gets up, you know. You know, geez. You ever seen a guy campaigning harder to get a Lipton soup ab? You know, is that guy who used to be on the Giants and then did the show at that little cutie pie in the morning, and then for some reason left that show to be one of 19 with the guy who used to run fucking Clinton's campaign isn't George Stephanopoulos on a morning show right now? Like, that guy's gotta be like, what the fuck? What happened 25 fucking years ago? I was dealing with the Russians. I'm fucking sitting here on Pancake Wednesday acting like I'm excited about this shit, sitting on this fucking couch. You know what the worst parts of those shows are? Is the way they decorate the coffee table. You know, I can't imagine trudging in there every fucking day to do that show. Like, what fucking monkey suit are they putting you in today? You know, girls have to have their sassy I'm a morning person outfits. You know, the guys have to have that. You know, I'd show up and, you know, I turn the whole paycheck over to you. Wouldn't pull some Angela's Ashes shit to you and go to the pub. Instead, they got to have that look, you know what I mean? Why did Strahan leave that show with that little cutie pie, what the fuck is her name? I saw once in real life, she's smoking, smoking hot, right? It was just the two of them. They had a great time, right? She come out on his shoulder like a parakeet. He'd do the monologue, she'd giggle along, and they had the whole fucking thing. It was just the two of them. Just the two of them making heaps of fucking cash.

[Bill Burr]

Just the two of them.

[Jake the Snake]

And then for some reason, he leaves that show. Michael Strahan, arguably one of the most successful people you know, people look at Mark Cuban and they go. I mean, here's a guy, you know, he didn't have any fucking money. He starts some Internet company, makes a zillion dollars, then he buys an NBA team, right? He starts to go bald. He gets the fucking earplugs. He goes to Vegas. He's at a rave. You don't know where this guy's going. He's got his own fucking jet. Everybody thinks this is the guy. This is the next fucking Bill Gates guy. He's on Shark Tank, okay? He's having people coming in who can barely afford the gas in their lawnmower, and he's listening to their ideas and then owning them and then taking them and not giving in. You know? You. You know what guys like that do, right? I don't know why I'm picking on this guy. He's just funny to me, right? I don't know where I'm going with this. Everybody thinks he's the next Bill Gates. And meanwhile, you got Michael Strahan, okay, who came up from the hard streets of somewhere. I don't know where he came from, but I know he's African American, so I know his streets weren't soft, right? When was the last time you saw an African American make it? And they. And they said that he did not come from hard streets, that he came from soft streets. You never see that. You do not. There are no soft streets on that side of the fucking fence. So he came from the hard streets. I'm. Where. Where are we going to put that guy? He doesn't seem like a New York guy. He seems like a Pennsylvania dude. I don't know where the fuck he came. The hard streets of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Allentown.

[Paul Verzi]

I don't know where the fuck he came from.

[Jake the Snake]

Whatever. He fucking makes it, okay? He becomes a fucking superstar, right? He deals with Tiki Barber and whatever the fuck he was trying to do, you know, Throwing the ball all over the carpet, retires early. They get him out of the way, goes into the Super Bowl.

[Bill Burr]

No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Jake the Snake]

Back up. Fucking gets the sack record, right? You know, and his last one, of course, was the most impressive, which Brett Favre's run on that was the precursor to the butt fumble. It's the exact same body motion, except he didn't run into a giant offensive lineman's ass. He just came in and just sort of laid down. All right? Then, if I remember correctly, where the fuck did they go? They went somewhere on the road and won. Then they went into Green Bay and won and they went into Dallas and won. I might have those two flip flopped. And then they went to the super bowl, played the 180 New England Patriots, and they fucking kicked the shit out of them on the offensive line one on the last fucking play of the game, okay? And wins a fucking Super Bowl. And then you think, that's it. Oh, now he goes, oh, he's a broadcaster, too. He's fucking killing it. But, you know, a lot of guys done that. Howie Long did it, Terry Bradshaw did it. Fucking O.J. simpson did it. Everybody fucking did it, right? That's just what you do if you can actually fucking talk about the game and you can put on a goddamn suit. Then he does the unprecedented, okay? A visionary move that not even Mark Cuban could come up with. He decides that, you know what? I am the. I am the next logical choice to take over for fucking Regis Philbin.

[Bill Burr]

Right?

[Jake the Snake]

I mean, I did a whole bit about Arnold Schwarzenegger one time, about all of his accomplishments. I would put. I would put Strahan right there, okay? And then he fucking. What does he do?

[Paul Verzi]

What does he do?

[Jake the Snake]

He gets. Everything's going great for whatever fucking reason, he decides to join the Partridge Family on some other fucking morning show. It's going to be the same shit. Standing around watching somebody cook something, right? Talking about how some fucking person just had their 105th birthday. Why would you want to be over there with all of those fucking asshats, you know, all of those different personalities, you know, someone's going to be a cunt, right? You could have just stayed at your other show. Have you ever heard somebody waste more time talking about something that nobody gives a fuck about in your life? I don't know what the hell that was. That was 10 minutes on Michael Strahan, all right? Probably like six, but it felt like 50. So. My apology to the dirty birds down in Atlanta. I apologize for disrespecting your team. I didn't realize how good you guys were. I wrote you guys off again at the beginning of the game when I heard you had the. You know, you scored the most points but were the worst in the league in the red zone. I'm like, well, the game's over. The game's fucking over. So you run up a bunch of points during the regular season against 90% of the teams that are not going to make the playoffs. So that's out the window. And then meanwhile, you couldn't stop 100% of these cunts in the red zone right there. That's a formula for disaster. And what did they do? They went out, they beat Seattle so bad. There wasn't one point during that game. I think on the first drive, I saw Pete Carroll one time went, whoa. And that was it. That was it. Oh, man, I love Pete Carroll, man. He's a great coach. You know, he was pissed when they lost. Oh, he was pissed. Can you imagine his family dog? He seems like he'd have a little one, too, just standing there quivering in the corner. Pete walking around with his ridiculously white brand new socks, walking across his carpeted floor. That's what he seems like to me, right? Has on his fucking Docker PJs. That dog just get a little too close, you know? I don't understand why we didn't shut him down on defense and fucking thing goes flying into the fireplace. Anyways, he's probably a cat person. Who knows? And my apology to the Texans, the Houston Texans, who without JJ Fucking ha.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Jake the Snake]

And a rookie quarterback hun with the New England Patriots for. For three and a half quarters. Yeah, I was not impressed with us. I don't think any Patriot fan was. We'll see. We'll see. I hope that's not. I think I'm just hoping our offensive line had a bad game. Everybody just had a bad fucking game. If you're gonna have a bad game, you might as well do it against the team that's missing their best offensive player and has a brand new guy quarterback. So maybe we got away with one. I have no fucking idea. All I know is we're playing Pittsburgh next week, and I have no fucking confidence in that. Despite the fact Pittsburgh, you know, I don't know what they did. Like, they, they. They kicked six field goals, which is essentially, you know, I don't know. If you just went on field goals, you might as well have somebody out there on like those figure skates, you know, dressed up like Yogi Bear or some shit. Was like some Ice Capade shits. But they did it, you know, they beat Kansas City. I didn't see one second of the game. I watched the beginning of the Dallas Green Bay game, and then my wife wanted to go to the movies, so I took her to the movies and I'm like, all right, I'm recording this game. Let's record the fucking Steelers Kansas City game. I saw hidden fucking figures. And then I came back, right? I'm like, all right, you know, my wife's taking a bath. Everything's fucking cool. I go to pop on the Green Bay Dallas game, and I didn't fucking record it let me say it again, I didn't recorded. It was sounded like an insane half. And hats off to that dude Crosby, who I'm telling you right now, that was some Adam Vinateri. I never even seen Vinateri hit that many 50 yarders in one game. Forget about hitting one, getting iced, and then he's got to kick it again. The guy kicked like 200 yards in field goals in like four attempts or some shit like that. That's the kind of guy, that's the kind of guy right there. You give me a fucking load. That's the kind of guy can win your championship right there. Because all you got, Aaron Rodgers, all he's got now, all he's got to do is just get you close. And old twinkle toes comes running out with balls the size of the fucking stadium and gives him the old. Right there Fred, right there. Do you realize how much ass he got after that game? Even in Dallas? You know those Dallas women with their fucking Botox and the same amount of makeup as an 80 year old who can't admit that she's old. You know, they all came running out, right? Took their hats off, take their boots off. You know, they all dropped to the knees and their designer fucking Jordan jeans. You ever been to Dallas? This day is so far behind in the styles, you wouldn't even think that there's the Internet anymore. They all dress like Dallas is still on tv, the TV show, you know, I'm not saying they, they don't really do that, but the through line of that is still there. There's a lot of Larry Hagman in that city with a dash of dead jfk. That is Dallas. And there's a lot of shiny four door pickup trucks. You know, I don't know who they're driven by, but you know, I think you got to get on the outskirts to get to them ranchers. They got them longhorns walking and stomping around in the back. And my apologies to Meryl Streep. Evidently somebody had a hissy fit on the fucking Twitter telling me that I am a typical. What did he say? Postmodern cynic, where I just criticize and I offer no solutions. Which is hilarious to me. It's like, okay, so in your world, Meryl Streep and myself should be coming up with problems, problem solving things. Anyone say? I just tweeted the guy back. I was like, I just thought I was a comedian making fun of shit. I didn't know I was a post modern cynic. Yeah, some people, the level of credit that they give people who don't even watch the news is just fucking beyond me. I had to go to summer school every year of high school except sophomore year because my teacher hooked me up with a D minus. And my senior year, I just didn't give a fuck and didn't go, you know, what are you gonna do? I'm done. So I'm a loser, all right? I am on my. I am on my way to Applebee's to wash dishes, thank you very much. All right, so I know way too much football. How about some hockey? Just one quick mention, all right? Did anybody see Adam McQuaid's fight when they fucking against Nashville? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I don't know the name of the guy he fought, but that guy's got fucking balls bigger than my giant head. Anybody who's got the balls to drop the gloves, I'm not shitting on the guy, just Adam McQuaig. That fucking guy can fight. Age was like, wagash, wagash, wagash. And then the guy ducked down, and he fucking didn't. I thought it was an uppercut. Then when I watched in slow motion, I think it might have been a hook. I don't know. It just reminded me, in a very, very junior way of when Clark Gillies fucking broke that guy's face. He was pounding this guy so bad, the guy just ducked down. And right as he ducked down, Gillies just went uppercut, and his fist was big enough to cover the guy's whole face. And it was like. It was like he punched a glass coffee table. And this guy just went he. Like, straight down, like when they pull a building, you know? And the first time I noticed that that guy could fight was he beat the fuck out of Ralphie Torres when he was playing with Phoenix Coyotes. I'll have links to those fights, but that's. That's our. I guess he is our enforcer now. And what's great is he's a fucking unbelievable defenseman, too. So that's it, Celtics. What are we doing? We're doing what we always do. We beat the Pretenders, and we can't beat the contenders. That's our deal. And enough sports, all right? Let me share a little bit of advertising for you, huh? But evidently, I guess you have to apologize to Meryl Streep, you know, because I guess I preach. Also on my podcast, which is the same as hijacking an award show, right? Did Meryl Streep once say, hey, I'm a fucking moron? What do I Know, I don't think she did all right. Oh, Billy Street. Okay, here we go.

[Bill Burr]

Let's read a little.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, Jesus. Here we go. There's two more reads and I'm seeing double. So I'm going to take a break here. All right.

[Paul Verzi]

Okay.

[Jake the Snake]

What do I want to talk about here? Oh, you know, I was watching the. Speaking of Cadillacs. Oh, yeah. Elvis Presley. I was watching the Mecham Autumn. Autumn Autos. Wait, I'm trying to open these blinds. Jesus Christ. Come on, for sakes. How hard does this have to be? There you go. Shed a little light on the subject. I was watching one of those Mecham automobile auctions and I gotta tell you, I'm fucking over the muscle cars. I love muscle cars. Like any other red blood American, you know, any red blood bugging American. I like those fucking cars. But every fucking what's the same thing? We got some Mopar power coming up. Of course you do. Oh really? Does it have a Hemi? Is that a Shelby? It's the same. And what it basically is is that it's the same fucking like 20 muscle cars. What are you going to have? What are you going to have? You know what you're going to have? You're going to have a Shelby Mustang. You're going to have the tri powered fucking Corvette, right? You're going to have the fucking. You're going to have a gto. Ah, you gotta have a fucking. All that Mopar fucking Hemi shit that I never got into. I was never a Chrysler, Dodge guy, Plymouth guy. I don't like the Barracuda, right? They're gonna have a fucking Challenger. They can have a Charger. They're gonna have a Super B. They're gonna have the fucking whatever that Z28 was, that they only made fucking 10 of them. They're gonna have one of those. It's the same fucking cars over and over again. And meanwhile, here's my question. Where the fuck are all the trucks? You know, where the fuck are all the trucks? Occasionally a truck will come across. Trucks are cool as shit. And where's all those great old man gangster cars? You know, like the fucking. My favorite one of all time, the 1967 Cadillac El Dorado. That fucking car, it just go fuck yourself. I love that fucking car. That's the kind of car, you know what I mean, that you drive when you're either post divorce or you were smart enough never to get married, okay? And you're successful and you're just fucking driving around and you got, you got you Got. You got a stable of bitches, and, you know, they don't give a fuck about you. You don't give a fuck about them. Yeah, they pay girlfriends. That's the fucking car you have, you know? And this is the thing. And rather than secretly being lonely and empty inside, you're actually fulfilled because you own that car. You are the closest thing to the most interesting man in the world. You know that? Stay thirsty, my friends. You ever seen a woman in his life? You see women. Women in his life. You know what I mean? You never see him at a dance recital with his fucking rugrats. Anyways, I fucking love that car. The most gangster fucking car. And then I also like the 65. Jesus Christ, with the clamshell fucking open the headlights there. Buick Riviera, okay? And at some point, that might be my next car. I drive the Jag into the ground. By the way, I sold my Prius today. Had that fucker for nine years, man. Pooh. It was great. I never did that before. I never sold it to just a person. I always traded them in. And this time, I actually sold it to a person. Got the title, did the whole thing. Felt like Richard Rawlings, you know? What does he say when he. Fizzy, wow. Get yourself some of that, right? Except it was a Prius and I didn't build it. Other than that, I was just like him. Speaking of which, the debut of Gas Monkey Garages tonight. And rumor has it that the bearded wonder Aaron is leaving the fucking show. Which is, you know, that's like Eddie Van Halen leaving Van Halen or David Lee Roth leaving. I mean, it's.

[Paul Verzi]

It's. I am.

[Jake the Snake]

You know, there's a lot of. I'm interested to see what. What they do with this one.

[Paul Verzi]

How you gonna.

[Jake the Snake]

How are you gonna make up for that guy? Jesus Christ. But I'll be tuning in. I'll be tuning in because that's. That's. Of all the shows out there, that's the best one out there. And there's so many shows that rip that fucking show off and try to capture that formula. That's the best one out there. And I love the shit that they built. Speaking of trucks, last season they were saying, you know what? We're all truck guys. We're all truck guys. And I'm yelling at the tv, well, then fucking make some more trucks. I remember they made that one for Casey. They can count it on one hand. They made the one for kc. They made that. They made this Chevy. Especially if you get those ones that had the two tone taint. Two tone taint. Jesus Christ. Two tone. Two tone paint. I don't even if I can finish this idea. Two tone taint. You know what that is?

[Andrew]

That's.

[Jake the Snake]

Your taint is the normal. Your normal flesh color. And somebody tries to kick you in the balls from behind and they miss. And you get a black and blue mark on part of your taint. Then what you have is a two tone taint.

[Bill Burr]

All right?

[Jake the Snake]

Two tone paint. They. And they did last year. What did they do? They did a like a 1948 or 49 Chevrolet and they just went all out with the fucking thing.

[Paul Verzi]

And it was.

[Jake the Snake]

It was absolutely.

[Paul Verzi]

It was.

[Jake the Snake]

It was. It was just amazing. It's amazing what they do in that show. And I wish I had their skills. Who knows? Someday, maybe someday I'll have the time to find a 67 Cadillac El Dorado, drag that out of somebody's backyard and have somebody like that build the thing for me. I'm one of those guys too. I would drive it. I saw one on. I hate people get those cars. They don't drive them. I got one for you if you want to look this up right now. All right, look up 1965 Cadillac El Dorado. $45,000. This fucking guy, he's got the best looking one I think I've ever seen. It has like, somebody did a whole body off restoration on it. It has like fucking 33 miles. He got it when it had like 7 miles on it. And then now he's selling it with 33. And it's just like, why would you. I would drive that fucking thing to 200,000 miles. Unbelievable fucking car. But the only part I will warn you, when you watch that video, when he starts caressing the leather inside the car, it gets a little creepy. I had to fast forward to it. He was like, look at that. That's fine Italian leather.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

He didn't get that bad, but it got pretty bad. But this fucking guy has got a bunch of them. Supersport motors.com. at least he did as of, I guess, two years ago. Two and a half years ago, whenever you put this fucking video out. But if I was gonna buy one, I would buy one off of this guy. Holy fucking shit. He's got some beautiful cars. Beautiful Cadillacs. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. I think maybe it's time to. Maybe it's time to do a little. Oh, Trump gets sworn in this week, you know, he gets fucking sworn in. And I would feel so much better about that guy, you Know, it's. It's not the racist people that he's putting in there, you know, as unsettling as that is, I mean, everybody's fucking racist, you know. Well, that's not true. There's different degrees of it, but everybody has it. Even people who are victims of it, they have it. You look at another group of people, everybody's done that. You look at a group of people, you think something like, oh, it's like this. And then you go over there. Oh, it's actually like that. Wow. Why did I think that? And it all was in your head. You know, I got to do a bit about this. I was driving down the street the other day, right? Driving down the street, and I see this group of young kids, like, school just let out, right? This is not a good sign right here. I'm driving by a school right when the school got out, and I'm caressing my leather. No, I. I'm driving down the street and these kids are all outside. Like, it's right around the corner from where I'm playing drums. Here's my alibi. I swear to God. I was playing drums around the corner and it's one of those stores that sells, like, you know, all the fucking snacks and shit that you eat afterwards and you get all fucking wired. So I'm driving by there and usually I get fucking annoyed because the kids are fucking walking across the street, they're not looking both ways and all that shit. And then it takes me forever to make a fucking left or right hand turn. Well, this day, they were all up on the sidewalk and I saw this movement. I kind of glanced over and none of the kids were white. And when I saw this action, I thought I was watching somebody getting the shit kicked out of them, potentially getting beaten into a gang. That's what my brain told me I was watching. When I looked closer, there was like seven kids standing around, one kid looking at a fucking smartphone. And then some other kids just sort of fucking, you know, doing whatever, running around in the background. Then I was thinking, why the fuck did I just think that, you know? So before you fucking call all these assholes, all these racist assholes, you know, you got to get that shit out of your head. I was thinking, why the fuck did I think that? Part of that is from the shit that I see on tv, right? I think your brain just goes, it, it. Once it gets stuffed out, like, how to make cereal, it just gets it down like, okay, just grab this fucking put this in here. There you go. Fucking cereal, you know, it connects from one eye, one vision, to this, this, this. And it's like a mode of, like, survival which works. But in that instant, that didn't work, did it? I went from that to a couple of fucking Ice Cube videos, whatever gangster rap videos are in my head, shit that I saw in the news, right? I can't say there was fear. There was no fear. I was just driving down the street and I looked, and that's what I thought, you know? But I kind of do that all the time, you know? I read a kid's book to my unborn daughter last night, right? It's supposed to make him smarter, right? And I was reading this kid's book, and halfway through the book, I realized I didn't. I had no fucking idea what it was about. So maybe I'm just a moron. I have no idea. But seeing how what a flawed fucking person I am, I can't judge. I can only judge people so fucking harshly, right? Honestly. I mean, I can trash a fucking Meryl Streep. I can go off on a Donald Trump, but at the end of the.

[Paul Verzi]

Day, I'm a fucking lunatic, right?

[Jake the Snake]

I read a kid's book, and I.

[Paul Verzi]

Couldn'T figure out what it was about.

[Jake the Snake]

It was about this fucking caterpillar, all right? And they were like, on day one, it ate an apple. On day two, it ate two pears. On day three, it ate fucking three plums, right? So right there I'm like, all right, this is like reverse Christmas story. Rather than going like, seven swans are swimming, six geese are laying. It fucking starts with the fucking tree, the partridge in the pear tree. Now it's moving up. And it seems to me like it's about eating healthy and food and counting. And then it gets up to like, 12 or something, and then. And the thing just completely abandons its fruit diet and said it had a fucking couple slices of pizza and ice cream and all this, and then a big stomachache. So then I was like, all right, this is about childhood obesity. And I actually lied in that. It never dawned on me that it was about counting. And Neo was like, finished the book. The thing turned into a butterfly. And I said. I said, the end. And I looked at Nia and I said, I have no idea what that fucking book was about. She laughed. She goes, it's about counting. I go, it's not about not eating junk food because it ate all that fruit and everything was fine. And then it ate all that other shit and then it got sick and she was like, crying, laughing at me. I don't know what that has to do with Trump, but I really wish that idiot would get off of fucking Twitter. He's a fucking mess. He said about China, it's time to take the gloves off. He's doing that George Bush thing where you talk about other countries like you're trying to psych somebody out before a bar fight, and nothing gets people more excited. You know what that gets morons excited? Like, yeah, let's have some tough talk, right? You fucking idiots. He's, like, trashing SNL because they're doing sketches about him. It's just like, I don't. I don't, I don't. He cannot be running his Twitter account. There's no way he's this fucking sensitive or he has the time to do this. Shouldn't he be addressing it? My worst fear is that he's going to become president and just deregulate everything so he can build a golf course wherever the fuck he wants to. Like, that's really. That's his idea of making it great again. I hope I'm fucking wrong. I have no idea. Having said all that, still, as much as he's a nightmare, unbelievably unbelievable joy watching Hillary Loose. Oh, I love seeing. Yeah, pack your bags. Okay. Pack your bags there. Fucking. Yeah, I'm not gonna say it. All right, let's, let's, let's continue on. All right, let's. I'm off the fucking rails here. All right, 42 minutes in. Can we. Can we read these last two advertising? Then I'll do your questions for the week. All right, Helix, Helix. Hey, by the way, why don't you guys send those in? Send in your. I looked at this, thought it was this way, and then it was another way, but nobody heard me say it. So everybody thinks I'm a great guy. And that goes for non whiteies, too, because I know you're looking at us or some other group of people, Koreans or some shit or whatever, you know, I know you're thinking something. All right, Helix, Helix. All right. You're unique. And I actually, you know, as much as I'm. I'm not really joking around about this shit, but I think that people have to be able to say that they have those fucking thoughts. I mean, this fucking progressive left thing where you have to act like you're just walking around going, I don't see color. I don't care if you're black, white, green, or purple. And it's all of those. All of that fucking Sing Songy horseshit. Even Those people, even those people like you get them in the wrong situation and the fear comes up, they're going to think something fucked up. They're going to. All right, so if you have any of those stories I want to hear. I want to hear them. And then I'll try to. I'll try to guess why you think that way. Okay, so I'm guessing with mine, it's the news. And all the gangster rap videos that I used to watch, and I'm old, so that was back when you could actually have a gun in the video. And then also I think I've watched too many of those life on the inside prison things, you know what I mean? All of those things where you just look at it and go. And like, I would last 15 seconds in there. I've watched all those ones about gangs. I've watched the ones about motorcycle gangs. It's probably my. My intake of television and YouTube videos. I watch videos of people sucker punching people. Bully fails. I watch a lot of violence. Yeah, that's it. Maybe that's what it is. All right. All right. That is it. All right. Let's read some of the questions here for the week and then I can get the fork out. All right. Team relocating. Dear Billy Brady Balls. My NFL team I've rooted for over 20 years is moving to La Parentheses Chargers. What team should I root for? Patriots are out of the question. Thanks. And fuck the Spanos family. First of all, my condolences. I remember, Jesus, almost 25 years ago when Robert Kraft first bought the team and he was threatened at some point, maybe it was in the. In the year 2000, somewhere around then, he was fucking threatening to move the team to Hartford if he didn't get his own stadium and shit. And that really is one of the biggest, you know, overs by all of these sports leagues that they. They get the cities that we have to pay for their fucking stadium. That's a time when you need a union. If you could just have a. Somehow have a union of all sports fans, it'd be like, no, you fucking pay for it. You fucking pay for a new stadium, you cunt. You know what I mean? I go to the ice cream store to have to buy a new fucking store. When they want a new store, they pay for it with the money they made off of ice cream. Like, how much money do you have to make? Do you know, when I was in fucking Indianapolis, those poor bastards that live out there, I don't know if this is still the case, but when I went out there, when they were putting that Lucas Oil field deal together when they were already paying for that. They still had not paid off the RCA Dome or the Hoosier Dome, whatever the fuck they called it. They were still paying for that other one. And this fucking cunt made him buy another one. Um, having said that, I, I guess I can't get mad at the Spanos family if everybody else is getting a new stadium and he wasn't able to. To blackmail San Diego. You know what? Good for you, San Diego. Fuck him. You want a new stadium, why don't you pack your bags up and get the fuck out of here. But you guys also kind of fucked up the way Cleveland did. You can't buy one team a stadium and then tell the other guys to go fuck themselves. That's like in Cleveland when they the Jake got built. And then whatever his fucking name was. The fuck was that guy's name? Everybody in Cleveland screaming it right now. Who sounded exactly like George C. Scott. Exact same voice. Yeah, he wanted a stadium. They were like, yeah, fuck you. You can stay in that absolute fucking shithole. And he then he left. See ya. It's not personal, just business.

[Andrew]

Why?

[Jake the Snake]

I keep thinking Goodell, I'm a Patriots fan, that's all I think when I think of a fucking asshole, I just think Roger Goodell. Yeah, that sucks, man. So who should you vote for? You know what I do, I would say fuck the NFL. If the Patriots ever left, I would just say fuck the NFL. I would be done with it and I would just pick a college team. College football is the shit, you know, Even though the athletes, college sports are great, but the athletes get fucked over that they don't get paid. The fact that they sell at $100,000 stadium and then fucking idiots. And it's always non athletic people who say this going, oh, they get a free education. Oh do they like they have time to fucking go to class. You're majoring in football, there's too much money at stake. And all these and all the nerds that don't like the jocks at the college level. It's like if it wasn't for that football program, you would be going to science class in a fucking tent. A hundred thousand people are not going to show up to watch you look through a microscope. Don't ever forget that. All right, so why don't you fucking put on your lab coat and go figure out how to make a better football cleat. Oh Jesus, Bill. There was no reason to go that hard, was there? Can't we have Respect for all of the arts. Meryl Streep doesn't. She doesn't respect mixed martial arts. Hey, Meryl, why don't you tell us what the arts are? Jesus Christ. Because there's not a symphony behind it. You never listen to watch NFL film. That's art. The music they put behind it. Wear it. Wear it.

[Andrew]

Up.

[Jake the Snake]

Why not? All right, Movie foods videos. Hey there, Billy Egg whites. Saw this Guy's videos on YouTube. He makes food from different famous movies. Oh, that's pretty cool. In this one he makes the big Kahuna burger from Pulp Fiction, which is pretty basic. But in others he does some cool ship shit from Chef. One of my favorite movies in the last few years. And Atcha the cartoon. I highly recommend checking a few of them out. He makes a couple of sandwiches that would give your grill top some great use. Ah, dude, that's awes. Thank you. Look at that. No question. Just great information. I guess I never tell you guys. You can also do that. That's fucking cool as hell. I will definitely check that out. I have been cooking up a fucking storm, you know, because we can't really go anywhere. Every once in a while I take Nia out to the movies, which this weekend. This past week, I saw moonlight and I saw Hidden Figures and I really like both for different hidden figures. Big Hollywood movie, you know. Totally did the job. Was great. And then I saw moonlight, which was also great. And my favorite part of that fucking movie. Now I'm not ruin it. No spoiler alert. Other unless you're into cars, was what was annoying was this one part where they're showing the main character and they're not showing his fucking car. But you can tell it's a nice car. I wanted to see the car. And then they finally showed it. That was. I believe it was an 83 to 87 Oldsmobile Cutlass. And those were those great two doors that they had in the 80s. There was, you know, the. The Oldsmobile Cutlass, the Chevy Monte Carlo and the Buick Regal. Those cars are the. And I know a lot of those southern guys redo them and they put the big tires on them. I don't like the big tires on them. But that's another one that's sort of the poor man's fucking Eldorado. But I love those. And some of the funniest like guys I knew when I was growing up had those fucking cars. Just anybody who had a car like that was a fucking.

[Listener]

Was.

[Jake the Snake]

It was a good shit, as they say in Massachusetts, you know, and slash A little bit shady. Probably dealing a little bit of weed. Maybe had a fight last night. Those are all those guys, they go into a bar and within 10 minutes, they eyeball in somebody and then they got to take their chain off because they're going to get into a fight. Remember that in the 80s. Dude, take your fucking chain off. With dogging tonight. I think the chain's coming back. I think it's making a comeback. Anyways, really enjoyed both of those movies. Moonlight, I really fucking. That was. It had classic just independent movie where it was like, it didn't fucking lead you around to the. By the nose, like, and here's the next one, and here's the next point. And here's the next plot point. Really good movie. All right, Putin, Russian hacking. All right, this guy's writing about Russian hacking. And he start. Look is how we start. This guy started his fucking. He just started his fucking. His email to me with, look, he's already wagging his finger at me. Jesus Christ, dude, relax. He says, look, international politics between two countries with enough nukes to destroy the earth ten times over is no laughing matter. Oh, am I not supposed to joke about it? How come you aren't all over this orange clown? I don't understand what this. You want jokes about it? Sure, Clinton was no prize, but you're willing to give Putin and out and out gangster a pass. Well, I don't remember him running for President of the United States. What are you talking about? What kind of world is going to be there for your new child? Oh, shut the fuck up. I fucking hate when people. What kind of world is going to be there for your kid? The same world that was there when I was a kid progressively getting worse. Like, what is your fucking solution? There's no solution to this shit. You got 7 billion people all running in fucking 200 million different directions. It's a shit show. All right, the second we weren't one tribe, it was over. It's over. Second, there was two tribes. It was fucking over whenever we started out, right? Let's just say I don't subscribe that there was a fucking. An Adam and an Eve. I think there was a pond and there was a bunch of us that came out of something. According to Neil DeGrasse Tyson, it was the fucking trees. Other people say it was the fucking ocean, whatever the fuck it was. There was a bunch of. You can't have a man and a woman banging and then their kids fucking without having major problems. All right, well, maybe that's why cavemen look like they did. I have no idea. But whenever we all weren't sort of cohabitating together, but you know, what happened is then as we came along, there was no language. It was just. And all that shit. Of course there was going to be fucking arguments, everybody grunting and groaning, you know, I have no idea. Like, we were fucked. This thing was fucked from day one, okay? And I've gone down the rabbit hole of trying to fucking give a shit and trying to, you know, I don't know, get people to listen to my opinion, which probably has 0.1% of 1% of the information that I need to actually make an even remotely informed opinion. You know what I mean? Look at all those guys on TV who do it for a fucking living from, from Bill maher to Bill O'Reilly, okay? Even those guys, as much as they pay attention, are severely handicapped by the fact that they cannot look at talks, top secret documents to kind of, you know, connect the dots. All you can do is watch the fucking news, read newspapers, and try to figure out which one seems to be sort of making sense with what the fuck you're thinking. That's the best you can do, sir? So I don't know what you want from me, but I'll continue reading this. This isn't like telling jokes to a few millennials in a strip mall. It's not funny that Trump and his swamp full of white, racist rich men are robbing us blind. I agree with that. But you realize that Hillary Clinton in 2008, after the banks went under, went and gave them a speech and said, don't worry, I got you guys. Aren't those the same rich, racist white people, you know, isn't that the same upper 1%, you know, that you're talking about here? Just saying they are. You know, by the way, that the upper 1%, no matter who wins, they win. You understand that, right? The job pays 500 grand a year. It takes 100 million to get okay. And then they owe these cunts favors that got him in office. They push it through, they deregulate stuff, they look the other way. They grant them government contracts, all of that shit. And then once they're done being president, you watch with Obama, he's going to make a fuckload of money going around air quote, giving speeches, 200, 300 grand a night to the exact same fucking people that put him in office. That's just them washing their bribe money. People with blue ties, red ties, red panties, blue panties, they all fucking do it. Except for Jimmy Carter. As far as I can tell. He stopped being president and started going around building houses for poor people. Everybody else sits around waiting for their fucking library to be built. Oh, I'm on my soapbox. Give me a Golden Globe. All right. Just saying they are both bad is really dropping the ball. No, it isn't. You have your head in the fucking sand. That's what it is. You just have your head in the fucking sand. I'm from New Jersey and know several small contractors who were shorted by Trump and couldn't afford to sue.

[Bill Burr]

Right?

[Jake the Snake]

And I worked Atlantic City, and he had a couple casinos go under and they got paid dimes on the dollar. I know how that works. He's a real asshole that doesn't give a shit about the little guy. He's got the track record. Okay, okay. And you're saying Hillary Clinton gives a shit about the little guy? Hillary Clinton, who only swings by the little guy whenever she needs votes and spends the rest of the time on fucking Martha's Vineyard in her zillion dollar fucking house that she can somehow afford when her husband is only made, fucking at the most, 500 grand a year. She got paid as a Senate. What does that make? 175 grand a year? They're making less money than some of the fucking top comedians in the fucking world, yet they're worth $200 million. How do you do that? How do you do that Legally, sir? Tell me. Tell me how you do that. Because you're fucking crooked. All right, so there you go. And here's the thing about Russia spying on us. Fucking relax. We're doing it to them, too. Jesus Christ, they've shot our planes out of the sky. Us spying on them. We spy on each other. Absol. Fucking lutely. You know, that's. That's what we do. Every fucking thing that they're doing, we're doing. They're fucking with elections. We fuck with elections, they're fucking with people in power. Putting people in power that shouldn't be in power. We do that. They invade countries, we invade countries. They think they're right, we think we're right. At the end of the day, there's you and me sitting in fucking Russia. Regular fucking people, all right? That's it. It's just the people up top that get you all fucking stirred up, you know? I'm telling you, they get your fucking. They gonna get you. They gonna do this. They can't fucking do that. I don't listen to any of it. I don't. I just sit and I drink scotch And I drink myself into a stupor and I stare at the wall, you know, and I try to figure out why I looked at three non white kids looking at an iPhone and thought that someone was getting beaten into a gang. When I solve that first, then I'm gonna move on to trying to solve the world problems. When I follow, when I solve the problems in the fucking globe that is my giant fucking head, I'll move on to that. And you, sir, if you're really looking for somebody to solve the world problems, you should probably look beyond a comedian doing a podcast where he says cunt every other word and also says how uninformed he is. Okay? So, you know, there you go. Agree to disagree. But, you know, if you want Meryl Streep and fucking old fucking Billy Freckledhands to solve the world's problems, I think you're in trouble. Anybody can give the lip service and be like, I think that's absolutely deplorable. I didn't vote for the fucking guy. Stop wagging your finger at me. All right, all right. Plants in the house. Hey there, Billy Ficus. I want you know how. I want to know how you feel about having plants in the house. Growing up, we always had plants and cacti in our house. I think they bring a lot of life and color to a room, and it's fun to water and take care of them. I know some people who would never have any plants saying that they bring dirt and bugs in the house. I tell them that it's because they don't take care and maintain them. You could say the same thing about a dog saying they shit and bring fleas into the house, but obviously that's due to neglecting and taking care of the dog. So do you have any plants in your home? Do you have any in your home now? Oh, do you like having plants in your home? Do you have any home plants in your home now? P.S. is a total NFL bandwagon fan. I'm calling Green Bay to win it all. All right. No, I don't like plants in the house. I had a plant in my house one time a long time ago when I was a complete loner and my apartment looked like I was in the witness protection program. I was seeing this woman and she got me a plant, and immediately I was just like, whoa, hey, this relationship is moving too fast. What she was trying to do was to get me to open up. And I remember she got me this plant, and then I had to fucking water it. And I kind of liked it. But then I'd go on the road and I would come back and it would be near death, just like, you know, hanging down, you know, staring at its fucking toes. And then I would nurse it back to fucking health and I would end up having anxiety. And then one day it finally died and I felt this just ridiculous failure. And it was a metaphor for the whole fact. You're on the road so much you can't sustain relationships. You can't even keep a plant alive. How are you going to keep a relationship or a kid alive? It was, it was a horrible experience. So I don't mind having them in my house if they're like growing like basil or rosemary or some. Something I can eat. You know, I'm selfish when it comes to plants. Like we got a bunch of plants around the house. I don't give a fuck about them. I'm like, nia, why don't we dig these up and put in some fucking avocado trees, some oranges, you know, something that we can eat. Throw at zombies someday, what do you say? Plus, having trees that grow fruit in your yard is a great way to figure out who's your friend and who isn't your friend. Especially during the apocalypse, when people come over your fence and try to steal your food, they'll go to the food like moths to a light. And then you can be on your roof and you can pick them off with your fucking. With whatever fucking weapon you have, right? I'd go with the bow and arrow. It's nice and quiet right to the neck. That was the water. That was the water. I mean the blood gushing out of there. Fucking. What the fuck? Whatever you call it, the fucking artery there. All right, plants in the house. I already read that one. Here's the last one. Hey, Billy. Bitch tits. Jesus. A lady and I listen to your podcast religiously. I'm 29 years old and I've had roommates since I moved out of my parents house when I was 18. I have a history of anxiety and depression. I found that in addition to taking medicine, living with people really keeps me in check. In two weeks, I'm going to be moving into my own apartment and living by myself with my dog. Oh, that's fucking awesome. That's the best. I loved living alone. If I had a dog too, that would have been tremendous. Of course it would have died like the fucking plant. Right now I live with two guys. The three of us are super close, but we've lived together for three years and it's time for us to move out of the frat house and into our own places. I'm nervous about living by myself because I'm scared that I'm going to isolate myself and fall back into a cycle of depression again. I live in Indy, so the weather is shit right now, which doesn't help. In the spring and summer, I play intramural sports, football and volleyball. I'm very much a guy's girl, and I don't have very many girlfriends. I don't ever have a ladies night. I'd rather sit at a bar with a beer and watch football or college basketball. I hate dating. I am straight, though. Do gay people hate dating? I don't know. I would love to get your advice for a lady like me moving in her own apartment for the very first time. What would you suggest I do to stay social and not sit at home alone watching the Indiana Hoosiers and downing Coors Light? P.S. tell me I said hi and best of luck to you and he on the new baby. Thanks. And go fuck yourself. Oh, boy. You're asking a fucking loner. I love when I finally didn't have to have roommates and I lived alone. I fucking loved it.

[Paul Verzi]

I loved it.

[Jake the Snake]

I talked to myself. I talked to the tv. I had a great fucking time. And I guess I was. I had a level of depression there that I wasn't really aware of. Well, don't you get enough sort of interaction? In the springtime, you play intramural sports, football and volleyball. Okay, so it's the wintertime. I don't know. You want to go sledding? I'm trying to think what the fuck he can do. Is there an adult league snowball fight thing you can get involved in? There's got to be something that you could do. Well, if you're into sports, why don't you just join a fantasy league with some of your friends? But I think what you are is. I think you're a sweetheart and you're a relationship person. You're just afraid to do it. So that's why you like having roommates. You don't like being alone. I'm totally guessing here, by the way.

[Paul Verzi]

I don't fucking know you.

[Jake the Snake]

But I think. I think it's time to give Dayton a try. You know I would do that. Maybe you're afraid of doing that. I think this seems like you need to face a fear and look at this living alone as an opportunity thing and that this is the next logical step to finding the person you want to be with in life. If that's what you're looking for. So I would embrace living alone and how fucking awesome that is and decorate your apartment. Don't do what I did, you know, have some color in there and all that type of shit. Something upbeat. And I would become social. I would have people over to your place. I don't know if you cook. There's a zillion things you can do. You just have to make the effort. I don't know why you don't have many girlfriends, but it sounds like you do have some girlfriends, so you only need a couple of friends. I would open up to your friends rather than some psycho on a podcast. Not saying this was a bad move, but it's a nice step. I would open up to them. Just say, listen, I'm prone to depression, so I'm worried that when I live alone that I'm going to become depressed. You know, if you'd like to swing by and watch a game with me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I would do that. I would be open and honest and maybe go talk to somebody about your depression so you don't go down that fucking rabbit hole. But it's great that you know that you're depressed and that you need to do something about it so that you're way ahead of the game. As opposed to where I was, where I didn't know I was depressed, and I fucking. I don't know. I made a lot of stupid fucking moves for a long time. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Thank you so much for listening. And I'll post that video of that Cadillac, El Dorado. It's beautiful. All right, go yourselves, and I'll talk to you on Thursday.

[Bill Burr]

What's up, everybody?

[Andrew]

Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show with your host, Paul Burzee. Bill Burr. We got the Greek freak out there in Beverly Hills, and of course, we have Jake the Snake, our injury report guy. Of course. I'm getting a phone call, which I got a decline. I don't know where. Everybody's calling me so early for anybody picks.

[Bill Burr]

Paul, they want your picks.

[Andrew]

They want my picks. Wild card weekend started off bad for me. 02. Then we picked it up, but.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, no.

[Bill Burr]

What do you mean we picked it up? I called that Chargers game. You go run the tape back, Paul. You get into your little breakfast nook day, you run the tape. That's the one game I picked wire to wire this year.

[Andrew]

Yeah, okay.

[Bill Burr]

But I'm not too proud of myself because I also thought the packers were gonna cover against the Eagles, so But I'm just saying my ego was. Was. I thought I was Nostradamus after that first game. Then the wheels fell off.

[Andrew]

I was, dude, the Texans surprised me. I'll tell you what, though. I will tell you what. Josh Allen and the Buffalo Bills look like world beaters. And you know where I'm going this week?

[Bill Burr]

Called the Bills game too, Paul. I not only call, I said what would happen. I didn't just say they won. I literally said San Diego. Every year somebody's on an exercise bike, it takes a rough, unnecessary roughness call. They're going to get. They're going to themselves. That happened. I gotta get credit, Paul, because I suck this year. I got. I gotta. I gotta toot my freckled horn here. And then the Bills, I said that they were gonna. That's just gonna be Josh Allen running around, taking his helmet off, smiling like Brett Favre in that first Super Bowl.

[Andrew]

You did. You called it. You did.

[Bill Burr]

All right. As long as you ignore all my other picks, Paul. I mean, I had a hell of a Sunday.

[Andrew]

All right, well, before we get into these games, we got to shout out BetMGM. It's the best sports book, best lines out there. BetMGM. Guys, if you want to sign up, all you got to do is use our code, download the BetMGM app on your phone, download our co, our code, Burr b u r R and put in $10, minimum of $10 in the account. And for your first bet, if your first bet loses, you'll get 1500 dollars in bonus bets if the bet loses. And also the first touchdown deal that they got going. Still, you pick any. It's a prop. Bet any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown. If you don't get the first touchdown, but in fact get the second touchdown, you will get your cash back. It is that easy. We are going into division weekend here and, dude, we got to start with the doozy. This is going.

[Bill Burr]

Can we just for half a second, can you explain to me what happened to the Vikings?

[Andrew]

Oh, dude, that was. Hey, that was a rough one, you know, Dude, I don't know. Is it Sam Darnold? Some people are saying the coach can't win a big one. I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

Well, here's what I. The best one that I saw was that they didn't spend a bunch of money on Sam Darnold and they're not like locked up like you guys were with Daniel Jones or like the Cowboys are with what's his face.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And that they have all of this. As bad as that was, and as much as that was like the usual protocol of the Vikings going to the playoffs. They were going. They were all excited going. They got like 70 million bucks to go fix all of these problems. But the. Is my car doing. All of a sudden it was like there's some ghost was stepping on the accelerator. Paul, I'm sitting in my car because it's. Everybody's sleeping in the house. I know that was, like, interesting to me, but, like, just every year, dude, I mean, they. They get all the thing. They get their fans all excited. It seems they make the playoffs almost every year, and then they just. The bet my nuts. Or maybe they don't.

[Andrew]

No, no, they do. And they were saying that their. Their coach, even two years ago, his first playoff game, when they won 13 games with Kirk Cousins, he. They had a horrible game against the Giants and we beat them in Minnesota. And then Sam Darnold goes 14 and 2 or whatever. And then he had a big game against the Lions last week and didn't do the game wasn't good. And then they said this game wasn't good. So somebody. I heard somebody say, old quarterback, NFL quarterback goes, dude, that's not us. He goes, sam Darnold was the fourth problem in that game.

[Bill Burr]

He goes, yeah, that's. I mean. And he didn't win 14 games. The team won 14.

[Andrew]

Right.

[Bill Burr]

So I don't know. But I. I did think whoever was doing that take on it, that they had $70 million to play with because it's gonna get better. The winds are coming. And I know that's hard to hear, and. But it's also like, just because you got 70 million bucks, Paul, doesn't mean you know what to do with it.

[Andrew]

No. A hundred percent.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. You could get a hundred million worth of talent with that 70 million. You can make $70 million worth of mistakes.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I think it's the Herschel Walker trade, Paul. I think that. I think there's still some leftover from that. From. Sorry. All right. I'm not going to derail this anymore.

[Andrew]

Dude. Lamar Jackson is insane. The. The Ravens are insane, and so are the Bills, and they are facing off with a. With the line is one, as I always say, Bill, what do I say? It's a pick them. It's one. It's one. I believe. I believe. I don't even know who's minus one. Andrew. Is it the Bills minus one? I think it's the Bills minus one. Either way. Yeah, it's the Bills minus one, Bill's.

[Listener]

Ravens. Ravens minus one. Bill's plus one.

[Andrew]

All right, Jake the Snake, what do we got? Injury report, buddy.

[Guest]

Hey, injury report wise, it's not too bad. You know, everyone likes to play for the playoffs, so it. The one to look out for is Z. Flowers. He missed last week. The Ravens number one receiver. Hopefully he comes back this week. And then A.J. brown didn't practice. It was kind of the same thing. Like last week, he didn't practice all week and then he played. So. And then the command on the Commanders, their best defensive player, Bobby Wagner didn't practice yesterday. So those are kind of the ones to look out for. But it's playoffs. A lot of people are playing, you know.

[Bill Burr]

All right. Hey, Paul. Am I crazy? The. The Bills and the Ravens are kind of the same team to me, where they. They've kind of underachieved. Like, neither one of them seems to be able to get past one one another or the Chiefs or whatever. So I think that that's why this game is a pick them. Because sometimes the Bills look like world beaters and then other times they look like they can't get out of their own way. And I know the Ravens have had, you know, issues with that during the Lamar Jackson era. If I can just use some fucking sports speak there. But historically speaking, I mean, I gotta go with the Ravens historically because they still have the same head coach. And I feel like it, you know, the end of the day, gun to your head, I got to go Ravens because I just feel that. That, you know, with Harbaugh, he's been there, he's won a Super Bowl. He knows how to get what he needs to get, and I feel like the Bills have yet to figure that out.

[Andrew]

It's funny you say that because I actually like Josh Allen in this game to get over the hump by one, but it. It really.

[Bill Burr]

Let's go up against each other. I like the Ravens.

[Andrew]

All right? I like the. I like the Bills. And I think anything can happen in this game. I think this is why this game is so intriguing to me. These are the only two teams that when one team scores a touchdown, the other one's coming right back with a touchdown. This is going to be. I love the over in this game, but this is going to be a great game. I think it's going to be the best game of the week. Bill's got the Ravens getting one.

[Bill Burr]

Can I tell you something, Paul? Somebody's scoring a touchdown and then somebody else going down scoring a touchdown and another guy going down. That's not football. That's marketing. That Bills Chiefs playoff game from a few years ago was one of the worst football games I've ever watched. That looked like I was watching, like, Tom Cruise, all the right moves. It didn't. It wasn't football. It wasn't any tackling. There was no defense. Paul, when was the last time a defense had a nickname?

[Andrew]

Legion of Boom.

[Bill Burr]

And that was all steroids. Legion of Boom. It should have said their logo should have been Dwayne Reed. Just have four of the defensive players standing in line with old ladies at a CVS pharmacy.

[Andrew]

Pharmacy. All right, so Bill has the Ravens. I have the Bills minus one.

[Bill Burr]

Here's.

[Andrew]

Here's something that I don't know if you guys are seeing, but as much as Philadelphia is doing great, the fact that they don't like. And this is a fact. Oh, I found out from some good sources, but also, he kind of says it, according to my sources, Paul Mercy, AJ Brown. Well, AJ Brown said it at his locker every week. AJ Brown can't stand Jalen Hurts. They don't talk. They don't like each other. They asked A.J. brown, what's the problem this week, and A.J. brown looked and said, the passing game. Then when they bring up Jalen Hurts, he says, no comment. And your boy Paulie has a little source that knows that there's a little. That there's a little broken relationship there. I don't like that. Going into Detroit, right? I mean, they got to play Detroit.

[Jake the Snake]

Is that they play the Rams?

[Andrew]

Are they playing the Rams? I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

How much money do they have to pay you that you can get along with your teammate?

[Andrew]

Exactly.

[Guest]

Great one.

[Bill Burr]

Exactly. Jesus Christ. He's not giving me the ball enough.

[Andrew]

Exactly.

[Bill Burr]

Wide receivers.

[Andrew]

Let me ask you a question. When is the last time you've heard of a riff or a broken relationship in a team and that team went on to win it all?

[Bill Burr]

78 Yankees.

[Andrew]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Bill Burr]

The first thing I thought of, Billy Martin and Reggie Jackson.

[Andrew]

Okay, that's the year I was born. Exactly.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Kobe and Shaq didn't like each other.

[Andrew]

Yeah, Kobe and Shaq.

[Bill Burr]

Kobe and Shaq didn't like each other. There's been. There's a few. There's always an example, Paul.

[Andrew]

There's an exception.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, Paul, it's better than exceptional.

[Andrew]

You know? Look, the Eagles at home against the Rams. That's a tough one. You know what?

[Bill Burr]

Like, who the fuck are the Rams, by the way? They look like dog shit earlier in the year. Now all of a sudden, they're looking like when they made their super bowl.

[Andrew]

Run, dude, the last four weeks. And, dude, Matt Stafford looked amazing. Looked amazing.

[Listener]

Yeah. They've been a victim to the injuries every week. Kind of up and down. Middle of the middle of the year, like nobody.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry. Yeah. Wide receiver. I guess that's what it was.

[Andrew]

All right, so we're going backwards. We're going from the bottom game to the top game. Bill's got the Ravens. I got the Bills. I'm gonna take the Rams. I'm gonna take the Rams. Getting six points in Philadelphia. I'm not saying Philly doesn't win this game by a field goal, but I think.

[Jake the Snake]

Sam.

[Andrew]

I think Matt Stafford keeps it close. And I like the six points with the Rams in a divisional playoff game.

[Paul Verzi]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

I hate this game and I hate this spread.

[Andrew]

It is a bitchy spread.

[Bill Burr]

The Eagles are at home. Dude, you got me thinking about Stafford now. The old grizzled vet coming in there.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Won a Super Bowl. I don't.

[Listener]

Whose coach do you believe in more? Bill. Whose coach do you believe in more?

[Andrew]

Oh, Bill gave him the nickname Crazy Nick.

[Bill Burr]

I. I like Nick. I relate to that guy. I think I'm good at what I do. And then also fucking think it's all gonna go away. I stopped short of nodding at the camera. When a joke lands, though, I will tell you that. You know what? I'm gonna go with the Eagles. I'm gonna go Eagles even. I'm happy it's on the road with all this that's going on out here for the Rams. But I really. That this game, I feel like that game, out of everything that I'm looking at this week, I feel like that one's going to be. I think it's going to be. That's going to be a close game.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

So why the am I giving away six points then? That doesn't make any sense. But you know what? I don't make any sense. I'm gonna go with the Eagles.

[Paul Verzi]

It.

[Andrew]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

That's way too many points to give Stafford. That's stupid. Pick this, Bill. You've been dumb all year. I'm changing it to the Rams. Yes.

[Andrew]

Come on board. Come on down.

[Bill Burr]

All right, Mash cut to me on Sunday. Why did I change it?

[Andrew]

I.

[Jake the Snake]

All right.

[Andrew]

Me and Bill believe in Matthew Stafford to keep that game close. All right, Bill. Moving to unbelievably intriguing line. This is a very interesting line. Nine and a half points. Everybody in the world thinks the Lions are going to on them. The commanders are obviously Rookie quarterback. I don't know. Who do you like?

[Bill Burr]

I love the Commanders getting all that point. You get nine and a half points in the playoffs. I'm taking the points and I'm putting my freckled feet up. I think that that that quarterback the Commanders have is legit. He's also one of those that even if you cover the receiver, he'll then run 2012 yards for a first down, stand up and do this. Drives you up the wall. And also, who's that? Number 17 on the commanders. That guy's a nightmare.

[Andrew]

Oh, scary. Terry. Terry McLaren.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus Christ. What a game he had last week.

[Andrew]

He did, he did. Oh my God, dude. I was just thinking commanders, but then I'm going. The Lions had a week off and they're ready for a Super bowl run. What to do here, man?

[Jake the Snake]

Ah.

[Bill Burr]

You'Re gonna Ray Romano on me? Oh, no.

[Andrew]

I'm gonna take the Commanders with nine and a half with Bill.

[Bill Burr]

I was gonna say, dude, you've been, you've been riding the Commanders all year, man, but for somewhere in November you got, you got on the Commander's train, even though they're in your division, you set aside your difference. You know, they haven't done to you guys in 30 years. So I think you were able to see them for what they are. All right, here we go. What else we got here?

[Andrew]

All right, we're taking the points and the. Oh, oh, the darling. The darling.

[Bill Burr]

Oh my God, the prom queen. Look at her getting eight and a half points. I'll tell you, when you have a quarterback as good as Patrick Mahomes and you're allowed to hold on every play, I gotta take the Chiefs laying eight and a half to cover that. No problem.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Oh, man, eight and a half is such a perfect number.

[Bill Burr]

But I, I, I'm not, I, I would, I would put a lot of, I, I just. The Chiefs in the playoffs, it's the only storyline they got. The Lions, are they gonna finally do it? No one cares if the Bills are gonna finally do it at this point. You know, that's like Sam and Diane on Cheers. We all know how this series continues on, so I think the only storyline they have is can they repeat if he3 peach does that need. He's better than Montana. That's, that's all they have. And they need to ride that for the rest of the year, which means they're going to be getting calls as they always fucking do. Now you take all of that and you have a great quarterback in Mahomes, Travis Kelsey. You know, you got one of the best tight ends in the league, and he's also in love, Paul. I don't know if you know that. That's what I love about a Chief game. I get to watch football and keep up with their personal relationships because that's what I'm looking for. Another thing, Taylor Swift, she sells out those stadiums. They gotta keep them there.

[Andrew]

I know, I know. Look, there's no doubt in my mind the Chiefs win the game. There's no doubt in my mind the Chiefs win the game. I'm just saying. Is that eight and a half points? Because the Chiefs once. What's that?

[Bill Burr]

I said, Paulie, two times. There's no doubt in my mind the Chiefs win that game. There is no doubt.

[Andrew]

Dude, I'm gonna take the Texans with the points.

[Bill Burr]

God damn it. I like that.

[Andrew]

I like the Texans with the points because the. The Chiefs have been. The Chiefs got bailed out by a bad snap with the Raiders. They. They win these. These. These. By a hair, the Buccaneers.

[Bill Burr]

You can't explain it, Paul. It's almost like something's going on.

[Andrew]

Like a dude, dude. Like I said, the officials have been incredible all year, except for the darling. That's where they saved it for. That's what they say. I love that you just said, you know, the money.

[Jake the Snake]

Look at her.

[Andrew]

Look at her dress.

[Listener]

The money's pretty split.

[Bill Burr]

All the money's pretty split on this game.

[Listener]

57 on the tax.

[Bill Burr]

I kind of feel like somebody's going 4. 0 this week. Somebody's going 4. 0 this week, Paul. I feel it.

[Andrew]

Oh, that'd be great. That'd be great. Hey, it ain't gonna be me, all right?

[Bill Burr]

Somebody's going two and two. That's my prediction.

[Andrew]

The. The Texans line is so perfect. These guys are amazing. We got to get one of these guys on, just be like, dude, what do you guys do? I actually, I was on Artie Lang's podcast, and he had the guy from the win on, and I go, when do you guys know the line? And he goes, dude, as soon as the one game is over and we know who's playing, we know within 15 minutes what the line is. I'm just like, that's so nuts.

[Bill Burr]

It is nuts, Paul. Yeah, it's kind of nuts, isn't it? What do they have, a quick 15 minute meeting about what's going to happen next week, and then they know everything?

[Andrew]

Yeah. I don't know. They know better than we do.

[Bill Burr]

Listen, Paul, what are you gonna do the day. The day the NFL comes Out like wrestling did. It just tells you this isn't real. Are you gonna be all right with it?

[Andrew]

No.

[Bill Burr]

No sports entertainment. Are you gonna start crying like that fat guy in his sweatpants going, stop saying that.

[Andrew]

These guys wouldn't risk their lives. I don't think it's fake.

[Bill Burr]

Fuck are you talking about? They wouldn't risk their lives.

[Andrew]

Dude, these guys get paralyzed, man.

[Bill Burr]

Paul, people in the mafia got whacked. They still did it so they could have a nice car and a Cadillac.

[Andrew]

That's a good point.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, but the second there's money involved.

[Andrew]

That's actually a funny point.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Money involved. They're gonna do it. I don't know. I. I just think it's. It's massaged. I think it's all massage. You want to hear something? Yes, I do.

[Listener]

You want to hear something that doesn't make much sense here? So I'm looking at the money line bets versus the spread bets for all the games. And obviously, if the team's getting points, then the spread seems to increase their percentage. Except with the Ravens and the Bills, the money line has 52% of the people betting on the Bills thinking they're just going to win outright, forgetting the plus one. But 42% are taking the 1%, the one point. So less people who are voting, who are betting on the Bills are taking the money line than the spread. Than the money.

[Jake the Snake]

Does that make any sense?

[Bill Burr]

Less people are taking the spread, more people are betting the money line? Is that what you're saying?

[Listener]

More people are taking the spread, more people are going.

[Bill Burr]

I thought you said only 40 more.

[Listener]

People are taking the money line than the spread, which doesn't make sense for.

[Andrew]

Yeah, for a one line.

[Listener]

Sorry, I. I said it wrong.

[Bill Burr]

Let me.

[Listener]

Let me share this screen. Let me share this screen here. Very interesting. What do you think this means? What do you think this.

[Bill Burr]

Jake, I love how you dress down for the podcast. I. I've seen you weekend outfits when.

[Paul Verzi]

You'Re taking your ladies out.

[Bill Burr]

You know, Paul, he said, could you be more humble than Jake?

[Andrew]

No, no. This kid's taking tens out to steakhouses, and then he comes on here. It's so humble. Just throws a T shirt on.

[Bill Burr]

I know everybody's into Trump. I'm building a wall in. Mexico's gonna pay for it. That's nothing. Jake the Snake. I'm taking a 10 out to a steakhouse, and she's paying. And it happens. Mastros, sweetheart, bring your credit card.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Andrew]

Here we go.

[Bill Burr]

What do we got here?

[Listener]

So you see What I'm saying. All right, spread 42%. Money line, 52%.

[Jake the Snake]

Huh.

[Andrew]

That's weird with the one spread, too.

[Guest]

It's not that different. The only plus 110.

[Andrew]

Wow. But you know what? 58 of people. 58 of people are betting on the Ravens.

[Bill Burr]

None of this means anything to me. No. A bunch of numbers. I'm looking at this right now thinking I'm not passing this class.

[Andrew]

God, I wish this was a class, dude. Oh, God. If these were classes in high school or college, it'd be the only math.

[Guest]

Class I passed for sure.

[Bill Burr]

Paul, that's, like, low key. One of the funnier things you said, dude. I mean, I didn't do well in. In.

[Jake the Snake]

In.

[Bill Burr]

In high school, but I mean, if, like, sports gambling was a class, dude.

[Andrew]

Imagine you would have given the speech.

[Bill Burr]

You would have been the valedictorian.

[Andrew]

I was just gonna say that. I was just gonna say, imagine I'm the valedictorian giving the speech. And I'm like, I used to take the favorites just like you, but then.

[Bill Burr]

I realized that's not how life was.

[Listener]

Coming back after he graduated. No. And Paul's final line is and in. And in the game of life, it's a pick them.

[Paul Verzi]

Thank you, everybody.

[Bill Burr]

But if you have the right game plan. He says it again. If you have the right game plan, you can tip the odds in your favor.

[Andrew]

And, guys, I'll leave you with this. If a good team loses on the road and they're coming home next week, 80%.

[Bill Burr]

Ladies and gentlemen, gun to your head. Which one of your kids do you love the best? Gun to your head.

[Andrew]

Oh, God. All right, so Bill's got the Chiefs, I got the Texans. Me and Bill both have the commanders. Bill has the Ravens, I have the Bills. And we both have the Rams. And we both have the Rams. Matthew Stafford. There you go. So those are our picks for the division weekend. It's gonna be great. I think the game of the week, hands down. I think the Classic comes down. I'm gonna say this. Can I make a prediction? I'm gonna say Bill's Ravens comes down. I'm gonna say Bill's Ravens comes down to literally the last play of the game. The last play, the last second will decide that game. That's my prediction of that game. I think it's going to be a doozy. I think it'll be a classic.

[Bill Burr]

I think the Bills are going to be in control of that game. And then there's going to be a streaker full frontal. It's Going to run across the field. It's going to take them out of their game, dude.

[Andrew]

If that happens.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, that's one of the things that's. That's Another thing that 911 took away from this country, aside from a lot of freedoms, was streaking. No, it was already over, dude. Did you ever go. I went to a Boston University, this game, this guy ran across the field. I remember he's this tan dude. And then, like, his ass was, like, as white as my head running across the thing, dude. And I was. There was me. All my siblings and my godfather took me to the game, and we were dying laughing.

[Andrew]

Oh, my God, that's so great.

[Bill Burr]

All he had on was a headband, and he just ran.

[Andrew]

Oh, that might have been the legendary guy.

[Bill Burr]

I did a. No, no, no. It wasn't that guy that I didn't like. That weirdo guy. The guy was at Wimbledon. Yeah, there was something like. What I liked about the streaker I saw was he didn't want to get caught. Okay. I thought that English guy was a creep. He kind of liked being manhandled by the cops with no clothes on. I got vibes from him.

[Andrew]

Yeah, he liked it. And he, like, would smile as they were dragging him out with his, like.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Flopping around. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Naked men can't be smart. You can't smile as a naked man. You really got to be running full speed or have a look on your face like, yes, sweetheart, I'm about to put it on you. But you cannot be sitting there smiling like you're welcoming them to Thanksgiving dinner. Paul, we're so happy you came. Oh.

[Andrew]

All right, man. Look, it's getting sad. We only got two more weeks of this, and I can't believe how fast this went, but I hope people reached out, said, dude, they made some money. So, as always, guys, we don't have a special this week.

[Bill Burr]

Right?

[Andrew]

There's no special. Right. Is there a late game?

[Bill Burr]

No money.

[Listener]

It's just the.

[Bill Burr]

Well, let's talk college. Ohio State or Notre Dame?

[Andrew]

I. I can't say I saw enough of Notre Dame, but what I did saw and see of Notre Dame was their defensive line was great. But I did watch Ohio State's last three or four games, and if the quarterback plays the way he did the last three games, I think that from what I saw, Ohio State looks unbeatable.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, they're going through people like hot butter, I think.

[Andrew]

I think Ohio State's going to win because of the streak they're on. And it seems like after they lost to Michigan. They changed.

[Bill Burr]

So more insufferable fan base. Ohio State or Notre Dame?

[Guest]

Oh, wow.

[Andrew]

I think.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, wow.

[Guest]

Impossible choice.

[Bill Burr]

I know. I think it's Notre Dame. The fact that they bring religion into it and they think Jesus gives a more that they win the dumb game than Ohio State. I mean, Ohio State is just a product of their public school system. You know what I mean? It's a state school. There's not a lot of bright people in Ohio. But like.

[Andrew]

Andrew, what's the line on that game? What's the Ohio State's getting? What? A given. What?

[Listener]

Let me pull it up.

[Paul Verzi]

Sorry.

[Listener]

Not prepped for college here. Let's see.

[Paul Verzi]

One second.

[Guest]

I see Ohio State minus eight and a half.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I heard it was eight. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Ohio State's given eight. That's a big number. Yeah, I remember the analyst said. The analyst said after the game, he goes, I got a feeling Ohio State's going to be a significant favorite.

[Bill Burr]

So.

[Andrew]

But eight. Eight and a half is a big number.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I mean, what. They've been killing people. I mean, look it. It doesn't look like they've been beating people. Like, it's still September, dude. How the. Did they lose to Michigan?

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

That was because the quarterback was doing nothing, which was so weird. I was like, ohio State doesn't have a quarterback.

[Bill Burr]

Michigan. Michigan had no quarterback the whole year and they still lost. I don't know, Paul. I don't want to. I don't want to be Captain Paranoid.

[Andrew]

Who do you like, Bill? Who do you like? You like Notre Dame getting the points?

[Bill Burr]

No, I don't. I think I did. I know. I. I believe the spread and I think they're right. I mean, I think Ohio State looks amazing.

[Andrew]

They do.

[Bill Burr]

Amazing. They. They are as amazing as. Their fan base is horrific.

[Andrew]

I. Yeah, I. I say. I say I'm gonna say this. Notre Dame. I'm gonna take Notre Dame with the points. Ohio State wins the game by a touchdown.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Paulie, you just covered all your bases there, didn't you? I want to hear, I'm taking Notre Dame and they're gonna win the game.

[Andrew]

Nah. Ever since I started doing this show, I like points.

[Guest]

A change, man.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know. We'll see. I. I just hope it's a good game. Dude, remember that time we went to that debt. Did you came with us when it rained. We went to Sofi for that. Oh, yeah, we bet that. We bet TCU getting the points. How did that work out?

[Andrew]

Oh, my God. It was like 35 to nothing at halftime. I was soaking.

[Bill Burr]

I don't even remember who won. TCU got beaten so bad. Oh. All I remember is TCU got smoked. Who the were they playing? I don't even remember. Georgia. Jesus Christ.

[Andrew]

And I remember, I remember TCU got one special teams touchdown and we go, dude, one more touchdown and. And this is a game again. Then Georgia, it was like 35 to 7 and me and Bartnik just went to go get a tequila.

[Jake the Snake]

It's over.

[Andrew]

And it was pouring on my Jordan threes.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah, yeah, because they have that. They have the half ass roof. You know why, Paul? Cuz it never rains in California, but when it does, it pours, man. It pours. Remember that song?

[Andrew]

Yeah, dude. I come to California two years ago in January, and they said we haven't had rain like this forever. My Jordan threes was sopping wet. All right, well, there you have it, guys. And I'm out.

[Bill Burr]

You know, I just did a podcast. I just did a podcast that was a sneaker head thing. And we went. We ended up going into that store on Fairfax where you went in. Remember that place?

[Andrew]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

With all of that stuff. Paul, I swear to God, man. I was like, I was reading a foreign language looking at all those sneakers, dude. They're insane looking though.

[Andrew]

Yeah, so some of them are ridiculous.

[Bill Burr]

They are. But no, come on, dude, don't. Paul, you don't have to back down your love. You love sneakers.

[Andrew]

Yeah, but I like classics. Like, look, I'll take. Look, look, this is what I got on right now. That's a classic sneaker.

[Bill Burr]

It's a nurse shoe, Paul.

[Andrew]

No, it's a dunk, Paul.

[Bill Burr]

Nobody's dunking in a half guy who dunked in a sneaker like that.

[Guest]

That's a nice shoe, Paul.

[Andrew]

But no, I don't like.

[Bill Burr]

Can I tell you something? Nike has like one shoe. When they painted it 5 million different colors, you guys are like, oh my God, the Mac and cheese Jordan Fords, the tiramisu ones with a coco Be wear sweatshirt over the same sneaker.

[Andrew]

Dude, did you get the lasagna? The lasagna sixes. It's like dripping. The Nike sushi is dripping, dude.

[Bill Burr]

I. If you look at the Kanye west sneakers, that guy, he literally lives in a different reality.

[Andrew]

Those are horrible.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know, but I feel like some of the great artists of all time would, would be. Be like, I see this guy, this guy's doing something different. Those like see through dinosaur. Dinosaur like slippers.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Like people buy these. He's like oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A lot of money.

[Andrew]

It's stupid. It's really stupid. They collect them. Nobody's wearing that. Saw somebody wearing those moon boots down the street.

[Bill Burr]

I would say that the. The thing that foreshadowed that the guy. And in all the history of. Of basketball, who had the weirdest looking shoe?

[Andrew]

Oh, man, that's a good question. I know. James Harden had a weird pair and. Oh, you know what? I didn't like those Kobe Adidas ones. Rest, man.

[Bill Burr]

That's what I was gonna say. His first one. They were square. They were like a rectangle.

[Andrew]

That's that. Yep. The. The Kobe Adidas that were, like, square on the. On the toe, and they were rubbery. Those were terrible.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know. But I look at those now and I go like that. That was sort of foreshadowing all that Yeezy shit. Yeah, the flippers. Not the other ones. That he basically took an afghan and put a soul on it. Then there's some sort of barcode. Those things are creepy. My wife had a pair of those.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Remember the Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Converse?

[Bill Burr]

Those were awesome Converse weapons. I didn't like how small the. The Converse logo was on it. The Dr. J's were the cleanest ones. The Bob Laniers.

[Andrew]

The Dr. J's were sick, Paul.

[Bill Burr]

Let's not forget about the Bob Koozie, PF Flyer, Chuck Taylor masher. He had his own sneaker. A lot of people. A lot of people don't know that. Paul. The sun has come up. Look at that.

[Andrew]

Wow.

[Bill Burr]

Yep, it's come up. Oh, yeah. I was looking at the skyline. It looked like a Michael Mann movie.

[Andrew]

I do. I love Mike.

[Listener]

Looks nice out there.

[Bill Burr]

It looks nice out there. God bless all these firefighters out here doing a hell of a job. God bless.

[Andrew]

God bless everybody in California fighting that. I hope everybody's okay.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. And everybody out there who turns this into a political. Turns everything into a political issue and tries to divide us. Well, during crisis, what does the leader do? Brings people together. You don't divide people.

[Andrew]

No, everybody just.

[Bill Burr]

Funny. I do have to say, that is the funny thing about Trump. That is his go to firing California. That's Gavin News's problem. And then he's like, gulf of Mexico. We're gonna call it Gulf of America. And then everybody's like, yeah, walks away. That's his move. His move is he gets everybody in the room yelling each other, and then he walks out the side door. Oh, no. I'm the only one who thinks that. All right.

[Guest]

No, that's exactly.

[Bill Burr]

It's like some mean girl. Hey, Paul, do you hear what Andrew said about you, man? He said that he doesn't like your red sweatshirt. And then you're like, what the. You say my sweatshirts and I just walk out.

[Andrew]

That's so funny.

[Bill Burr]

Nobody brought up Paul, that this city shouldn't even be here. You know, in managing this thing, Paul, you have to manage this city that shouldn't be here. You have to manage. And this city has been in a drought for 50 years. And even when it does rain a lot, one year, you still use up all the water. They fucked it public transportation because the politicians sold out back then. Woodrow Wilson. I mean, what do you find the race relations out here? Where the fuck do you start? You start right now.

[Andrew]

That's kind of the same. Is that the same with Vegas too, or.

[Bill Burr]

No, dude, it's. I don't. There's a lot of cities that like, through air quote technology they were able to build stuff there. But like, it's. It's finite. Nature wins. Nature, Gravity. Gravity wins. You're never going to the gym every day, but gravity, every morning is pulling you down to earth. Pulling that face down, Paul. Jesus, you look like a basset hound.

[Andrew]

Oh my God, dude.

[Bill Burr]

But dude, look at my shoulders. It's really weird how. How aging affects your face, but your body can look fine for a long time. I think that's nature's way of preventing you from procreating.

[Andrew]

Like just like.

[Bill Burr]

All right, dude, you can do your bow flex as much as you want, but your face, there's no machine for your face. At the gym, remember those idiots were biting down on things, trying to get their jobs. Dude, we. We are at the. We are still in the very early stages of the. The Face Nautilus equipment. I have to think that thing you bit down on. Remember when people were fat and they put that. That cumberbun, that electric cumberbun around their belly and they would just turn it on and it would just jiggle your titties. And people would sit there, they would stand there, they're not even moving. They thought that that was going to make their belly go away.

[Andrew]

The thing, it just rubbed, right?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, like. I'm sorry, Paul. Like Einstein would already lived and came up with the theory of relativity, talking about the speed of light and all that. Dude, that was the original Billy Mays, not Billy Maze. He's a hunk of to put on your fat stomach.

[Andrew]

Did you see that guy? That documentary? There's a documentary out right now. About the guy that doesn't want to, wants to live forever. So he like, everything is down to his science, what he takes. And he's like older and he's like in this ripped shape. But like his regiment is so exhausting that when what he does by noon, it's like his cabinets just are all of these supplements and he's shredded and he's ripped and he does these exercises and cardio and eats like.

[Bill Burr]

Dude.

[Andrew]

And he was just, he's just trying to like, like not die.

[Bill Burr]

How old is he?

[Andrew]

I, I want to say he's in his 50s, early 50s. And like his thing.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, the stress.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

So he has himself in fight or flight. The whole day he's just waking up. I must do this, I must do that, I must do that or I'm gonna die. It's like he's fighting a fatal disease. Like you hear people when they get like some really bad cancer diagnosis.

[Andrew]

Yeah, this is the guy.

[Bill Burr]

So much of your attitude, like so much your attitude, like when you hear these people who are fighting cancer and everything, like so much of it is your mental, your attitude towards it. Who am I looking at? I'm seeing 5, 000 people here. That's a guy.

[Listener]

That's the same guy.

[Bill Burr]

That's a guy. This guy almost looks like a robot.

[Andrew]

Yeah, that's the. Yeah, this, this guy and that. He just like. Yeah, it's exhausting what he does.

[Bill Burr]

Who's the guy behind him?

[Andrew]

I don't know. Oh, his son.

[Guest]

I feel like the stress of all this would just weigh on you and.

[Jake the Snake]

That'S how, that's how you go.

[Andrew]

Yeah. What he eats, the supplements, he takes, the exercises. He does. And by the way, he has to have so much money because his whole day is, Is that Paul?

[Bill Burr]

How about this? The funnies not having.

[Andrew]

Oh, no cigars, guys. Not gonna smoke.

[Bill Burr]

Here's my impression of his friends. Hey, Mike, you wanna forget it? Forget it. Hey, Mike, me and some of the guys.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew]

I was gonna have a party. Yeah, we're gonna have a party. What do you think about Mike and. Nah, not Mike. He ain't gonna. His son's a nice kid. Yeah, but dude, he's not coming.

[Bill Burr]

Listen, if the party's after 2:30 in.

[Andrew]

The afternoon, I mean he'll swim for an hour.

[Bill Burr]

They do they. I, I would actually watch that because I, I would think I, I find it fascinating in that as much as people are laughing, I'm. Dude, like the level of like plastic surgery and the, that people are Doing like, you know, it's people putting. I didn't, I don't even know what this is. But they put filler in their face.

[Andrew]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Like if you're just putting that, I mean, I guess we're putting trans fats in, so who gives a. But like to put like Bondo.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Under your skin, it's not. They say that Botox goes right to your brain.

[Andrew]

Yeah, it says it goes to your brain and your memory up. And I don't know if that's true, but.

[Bill Burr]

Paul, I'm gonna say it probably is. I would say if you're injecting chemicals into your face, your brain is in your head.

[Andrew]

How about you just enjoy your life in moderation. Love your family. How about that?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. And dude, the level of banging that's happened at old folks homes, I mean, they have like STDs are going all around. You can still get laid your whole life.

[Andrew]

Dude, that's incredible, man. That's incredible. And I'll be honest with you, I'm embracing like, I'm embracing being in a home. Not because of that, but like I was talking to somebody about this, dude, playing poker at 4:00, eating jello, watching your show, lights out at 8.

[Bill Burr]

You had me until you said jello. It was all sounded good until the jello.

[Andrew]

Ah, dude, a nurse, a nice nurse comes in, gives you a little jello.

[Bill Burr]

Puts it, no, no, no, dude, there's no nice nurses at those places. Those people that take care of old people are evil. I got a friend of mine, I was talking to her the other day and she was telling me some of the. That they were saying to her, we're in the third nurse, she has arthritis, going, don't put me in this position, it hurts me. And the woman said, I don't have. I don't have time for this. And walked out.

[Andrew]

Oh, Jesus. Guys, I just realized I gotta get to the airport. I gotta.

[Bill Burr]

We're gonna end on that sad story.

[Andrew]

Watch out for your grandparents. All right, guys, enjoy the games. Those are our picks for the week division series. Follow us. Me and Bill are on on a few together and download our app. Go to BetMGM. Download the app, use our code burr B U R R. It's that easy. You put $10 in your first bet. If you lose your first bet, you'll get 1500 in bonus bets. And the first touchdown deal is you put any player to get the first touchdown in any NFL game. And if they do that, you win. If they don't and they come in second, you will get your cash back. We'll see you next week. Going into. Oh, going into championship week next week. Only two games. And there you go. Have a good one. We will.

[Bill Burr]

Well, here's my prediction on that guy. Who wants to live forever.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

A Jesus freak comes to his door and he converts him. He goes, you don't need to be afraid to die. Just surrender to Jesus. Yeah, Paul, you can have that cheeseburger. You can have that cheeseburger.

[Jake the Snake]

God, I hope.

[Bill Burr]

Live in his way and make your way to paradise.

[Andrew]

I hope he gets that freedom.

[Bill Burr]

It is sad. All right.

[Andrew]

All right, guys.

[Bill Burr]

Take care.