Bill Burr (2:24)

And yeah, that's what happens once you have kids.

Jake the Snake (2:27)

You're just tired.

Bill Burr (2:29)

That's it.

Paul Verzi (2:30)

You're tired.

Jake the Snake (2:32)

Shit you used to do. You don't want to do it anymore.

Paul Verzi (2:36)

And you always have the same reason. Why don't you want to do.

Jake the Snake (2:39)

I'm tired.

Bill Burr (2:43)

What time's that start?

Paul Verzi (2:44)

Yeah, I'm not gonna make it. What do you mean you're not gonna make It.

Jake the Snake (2:47)

I'm not gonna make it.

Paul Verzi (2:48)

How do you know?

Jake the Snake (2:49)

It's three days for that.

Paul Verzi (2:50)

I know I'm gonna be tired. I hung out with my family all day today. It was awesome. And didn't watch any of the college football, which I'll get back into. You know, sometimes of the. That I saw, I watched a little bit on Saturday. I watched Penn State and Boise, which looked like it was going to be a bloodbath. Then it looked like it was going to be a great game, and then Penn State took over. I always feel like Penn State always has some white kid wearing number 44 that is just, you know, he's a throwback.

Jake the Snake (3:29)

You can't stop him.

Paul Verzi (3:33)

I got Gino Cappelletti from way back in the day. Anyway, I watched that game, had a good time. I just picked, like, one game, and I don't really pick which game I'm gonna watch. It's which game I'm gonna be available for, so. Did not go to the Rose bowl this year. You know, just been trying to speak. Like I said, I'm gonna be doing this play in New York, so every second I have with my family is a precious thing to me. So, anyway, I. We went to the beach today, and it was funny. I had to teach both my kids a lesson. So my daughter's writing her name in the sand, and she's getting down to the last letter. So, of course, her little brother comes running over, starts writing his name. She's going, no, no, no, I want to write here. He completely doesn't. Doesn't give a shit. Completely ignores her. Here's what she's saying. Completely blows her off. So my daughter gets upset. She just wipes her. I go, why don't you write your name over there? She's like, no, she just wipes the whole thing away.

Bill Burr (4:33)

So I see her.

Paul Verzi (4:34)

She's seething, and my son is making, like, a little sandcastle.

Bill Burr (4:38)

And I say to her, I go.

Paul Verzi (4:39)

You'Re still upset, right? She goes, yeah, because I want to go over there and knock. I want to kick his sandcastle down. And I go, well, why don't you? And she looks at me. I go, look, did he have any respect for you writing your name? The reason why it doesn't. There's no ramifications. So she goes, all right, Tippo. This is female brain here. She didn't just go up and do it. She goes, I'm gonna wait till he's done.

Bill Burr (5:10)

And then she went over there and.

Paul Verzi (5:13)

Stood over him as he was finishing it.

Jake the Snake (5:14)

Going, I'm gonna knock that over.

Paul Verzi (5:16)

And he's going, no. He goes. She goes, I'm not. I'm gonna knock it out. He's going, no. And he's looking at me going, dad.

Jake the Snake (5:22)

Dad. I go, well, you. You.

Paul Verzi (5:24)

You messed up her name.

Jake the Snake (5:26)

So he goes, I gotta wash my hands in the ocean. Don't touch my castle.

Paul Verzi (5:30)

So he's walking down there. My daughter waits till he gets halfway there and can't do anything about it. And she knocked it over. So of course he screams bloody murder. And he cries and everything like that. And he's looking at me like, you know, like, what the fuck, dad? And I just look at him. I said, buddy, you can't go around. You knew she was trying to write her name, and look what you did. You trampled all over it. So if you do that, someone's gonna knock down your castle.

Jake the Snake (5:57)

He's going, no.

Paul Verzi (5:58)

I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's how that works. So, you know, we had a little fit for a couple minutes, then it was over. And then I sat down next to my daughter. Afterward, I said, he won't. He won't step on your name anymore. You know, you can't, like, let people, like, literally walk all over you like that, okay? He needs to learn that he can't do that. If he does that, someone's gonna, you know, hit him back or break his stuff or whatever. And it all worked out great. And halfway in my head, I'm like, is this, like, a bad thing to be doing? I was like, I don't think it is. I don't think it is. I think that was, like, the right thing to do. It was harmless. Just a stupid sandcastle and somebody's name in the sand. But there is, like, a little thing there. If there's no ramifications, no one's going to have respect for you. And then also, you can't just walk around. As I always use this reference, you can't walk around acting like the first guy Steven Seagal beats the shit out of in a movie. You know? Remember that guy? Just to establish that he's like this tough guy, you know? Like, you don't already know that with all of his movies, right? That's what his character is gonna be. He would always, like, walk into a bar, and there would just be some just random guy, you know, in the credits, guy number one, just for no reason at all, be like, hey, pussy.

Jake the Snake (7:24)

What'S with your fucking ponytail? I don't like your fucking shirt. Just look at him. And he Would just beat the shit out of him and all his friends.

Paul Verzi (7:33)

And all of his friends. So I have to teach my son that he just can't go around doing whatever the hell he wants to do. Someone's gonna knock him down or knock down his sandcastle. So I don't know, I don't know what you guys think. I mean, I thought it was a nice easy way when the stakes were pretty low. Even in my son's world. This, the sandcastle was a pretty big part of his life at that moment.

Bill Burr (7:53)

But, you know, he's young.

Paul Verzi (7:57)

So anyway, I, I had a great, I had a great couple of days, man. Just had a great couple of days. The last few days of the year. Chilling out, tired as here after the day. Been playing drums and guitar, just hanging out at the house and just soaking it all in. Crushing the Glenn Gary, Glen Ross lines, like basically off book for the first section and I'm gonna tackle the next section tonight. And I just want to be as prepared as I can be. And then we get, then I get six weeks of rehearsal. So I mean, I think I should, you know, I'm not saying I'm gonna do a good job, but I'm not gonna forget words. At least I can do that. So anyway, but fortunately the cast is amazing, so, you know, I can do the, I can be a game manager, get myself a ring. Anyway. How about Ohio State? How about Ohio State losing to the Michigan Wolverines? Your season is a failure. Oh my God, I can't believe they have no quarterback. Everybody laughing, blah, blah blah blah, Rubbing it in your face with maize and blue, and now all of a sudden.

Jake the Snake (9:29)

You win a playoff game, you go.

Bill Burr (9:32)

To the Rose bowl facing the number.

Jake the Snake (9:35)

One Oregon ducks and you beat the out of them 41 to 21.

Paul Verzi (9:43)

I mean, it was like 14 to nothing, 17 nothing. I was out at some clam shack out there, the fucking ocean on the beach. And I checked the score and the first play I saw, they deflected a pass and almost intercepted it. Then they cut to the scores, either 14 nothing or 17 nothing. I was like, oh, that's it, that's it. This is, is, was what now what the fuck was going on with Oregon? Like they, they were, they're in the Big Ten, right? Because I'm always gonna say like they were on the west coast playing like, you know, some up tempo offense against SC, but SC's in the Big Ten. I don't know what the going on. All I know is they were ranked number one. Ohio State was ranked eighth and they came in there and they.

Bill Burr (10:27)

They kicked the. Out of them.

Paul Verzi (10:30)

Kick the shit out of him. Big Ten. How about the Michigan Wolverines beating Alabama? Big Ten football.

Jake the Snake (10:38)

Bang, zoom to the, to the head there.

Paul Verzi (10:42)

So I'm looking at the teams that are left. It's Penn State, Texas, winner of Georgia, Notre Dame and Ohio State. Ohio State has a legit chance. They got to be two more teams. I think, do they play Ohio, Penn State, I think they play Penn State. So it's probably going to be. Or do they play Texas? I know Texas had a scare with that missed field goal in the end, but they ended up winning a double overtime. Thank God. Thank God. That fucking job, dude. Being a field goal kicker, that is the nitroglycerin of, of sports. It's just like you're the hero or you're the goat. And I honestly think that more people remember your name if you missed than if you made it. You know, I would think that, like, I'm trying to think of the great field goal kickers. Everybody remembers Neil O'Donnell. Cause not even. That was like a 48 yard. It wasn't a gimme. It had plenty of leg. It just was a little to the right. You know, Adam Vinintieri, who nobody remembers a kick. Jan Stenerud, Rolf Bernershka. Nobody's remembering those fucking names unless they miss Vinateri. Patriots fans will remember his name, but Colts fans too. I always wonder when Adam Ventari was watching the Colts in 2005, was. He was sitting there go, why? What is it about this offense that looks so familiar? Anyway, yeah, Thankless job. So I got nothing to talk about. What do you want from me? I've just been. Yeah. Basically just woodshedding it. There were a few people that I haven't mentioned, you know, that passed away. You know, when I've been. I've been traveling the world here. Well, obviously Ricky Henderson, I think I brought him up. But someone who passed and I didn't even realize it, I think because it was. Because I was in France when he passed, was the original Iron Maiden lead singer, Paul Diano. Hope I said his name right. I never knew quite knew how to say his name, but I loved all his stuff. You know, all of those albums that he did and the vibe that he brought to the band. Like there's two, like, distinct eras. There's the era with Paul and Clive Burr in the band, and then there's, you know, Nico McBrain and Bruce Dickerson, just really, you know, they still had that Gallup sort of vibe with a lot of their riffs, but it was definitely like two different errors. But I was just on Instagram and I saw that he passed away. I was like, oh my God, he passed. What, he died today or yesterday? That I just missed it. I saw that he died in October. Brutal. Clive Burr too, man. With that white. Was it the Toma Kit that he played? It's funny, like so many of those bands, you know, be. Because it was like, you know, obviously there was no Internet or anything to look up. So you didn't know how to say you'd be looking on the back of the COVID unless they had the name under the guy. Like, you didn't know who the was who for a lot of those bands and then you didn't know how to pronounce the names. This is all before like MTV and all of that. And so many of the bands that I listen to, like when I would go back, I didn't even know that they had another singer. Somebody got kicked out or somebody died, like with acdc. I remember, like I. I first I heard of them was the Back and Black album. Then I heard for those about to rock. And then they put out, they re released Dirty Deeds, which was called something else in Australia. And I'm like, this fucking guy sounds different than the ACDC guy. Who the fuck is this guy? And I listened to him for years before I finally figured out like, oh, they had a singer before them. What was his name? And then I would look at the highway to Hell album and I'm like, which one is Bond? Like, I knew who Angus was because he had the horns, but I was like, which one is Bond? I didn't. I. I thought it was. I either thought it was Bon Scott or, or Cliff Williams. I couldn't figure out who was who. I knew who Phil Rudd was. And Malcolm looked like Angus, so I.

Bill Burr (15:34)

Knew who they were.

Paul Verzi (15:35)

And it was the same thing with like Iron Maiden. Like their first big album that I listened to was Peace of Mind. So Bruce Dickinson was on. That was his second album. Then Nico McBrain took over for, for Clive Burr. And then like, for years I listened to them and I was afraid to go back and buy their earlier stuff because I wasn't sure if I would like it or not. And records were like 7 99, 8, 99. It was a lot of fucking money. I had a paper route. I was making like fucking, you know, nine bucks a week. I'm gonna blow a week's salary taking a shot on the, on, on these albums. So I listened to them for like from 83 to 87, somewhere in time, before I finally went back. One of my. One of my buddies was big on, like, I was a greatest hits guy for the longest time. Like, I bought Aerosmith's Greatest Hits, but my buddy was one of these people. He would buy toys in the attic and then I would listen to it. I would hear the hits and then I would always hit another couple. Like one, one of those. What are those? Is that a good album? Yeah. And then, like, I would sort of. Like I'd let him drop the money.

Jake the Snake (16:45)

And then if it was good, I.

Paul Verzi (16:46)

Would fucking go ahead and buy it. So anyway, I'm gonna. Tomorrow, hopefully I'm gonna go. Gonna get back on the horse here. We're gonna keep polishing up the script that we wrote and all of that, and gonna do a director's pass on it, get the shots all lined up for what we want, get as far into pre production as I can before I get. Go ahead and do this, do this play. But anyway, you guys be proud of me. I went to the beach today and I was able to sit pretty far away from my kids and watch them sort of play in the surf a little bit and not get freaked. They both know how to swim, they're both really good swimmers. But I definitely kept thinking of orcas, the way they can come up to the beach, sort of beach themselves and grab a seal and then sort of do the worm to get back into the ocean. So I've only thought that maybe 30 times, but I did at one point when we sat down and we ate, I saw something jumping out of the water, which was cool. I think it was a dolphin. And I know that whale watch season. I think that's March. You know, it's funny, all my years of flying a helicopter, I've only seen one whale. I was flying up towards Santa Barbara and we were. It was right near the surface, but it didn't break. And the sun was glistening down on it and it looked like a fucking glow stick. Almost was really cool. But anyway, I'm going to. I'm just gonna hang with my kids as much as I can. And then, like, we've already scheduled, like, going to have breakfast with my kids every morning when I'm away, because that's like the big thing I make. I make breakfast for them and stuff every morning. So I'm going to just be doing like a facetime. So I'll have breakfast with them or maybe it'll work better with dinner, depending on what time? But I'm just going to spend one meal with them every single day. And then one week, you know, we're going to figure it out how they can come out and see me and everything. So anyway, that is going to. And that's going to be my year. That's going to fly by. And then hopefully we're going to shoot this next movie in like a month. A month's time we're going to shoot it. That's. And that's going to be my year. And I got a special coming out in March right when the play starts and all of that. So I don't know, it's going to be a challenging year. So I think when I'm all alone in New York, I'm just gonna do the play and go to the gym, study my French and just go back to being who the fuck I was before I met my wife. She said I was just like this fucking loner. I used to just spend the whole day by myself. I was a psycho.

Bill Burr (19:53)

I would just spend my.

Paul Verzi (19:54)

I'm just gonna go into that mode and then. Except when I'm doing the FaceTime with them or whatever. I don't know. Figured. As you can tell, I'm definitely stressing out about it, like, going like, why did I fucking think I could do this? This is fucking crazy. But I'll figure it out anyway. I haven't watched any Coen brother movies lately. I am up to. I obviously did no Country. No country for Old Men and then A Simple Man. So I think the next one I have to watch is Burn After Reading and then I have True Grit and a couple more after that. So I might pick that up, you know, this weekend because there's some movie I want to watch. Fuck, I forget the name of it. Me and Nia have been looking at the billboards and it just looks funny. It's supposed to be good. It's like, bye, bitch or something like that. Something bitch. And it just makes us laugh every time we see it. So, like, we should fucking watch that. Oh, here's something I did that I was fucking stupid do. You know, I've never smoked weed out of a bong in my life ever. I never did because I. First of all, I never with weed until I was like 37, 38. It was in my late 30s before I ever tried it. And even then I was just always a booze guy. I just wasn't into it. So I was at this place and they had like these. These bongs and they had like ice in them and stuff. So the smoke wouldn't fucking Wouldn't burn up your throat or whatever. So, you know, it's the Christmas break. I figured, all right, what the fuck? I'm gonna go my whole life, never take a bong hit. Jesus Christ, that was life altering a week. I had to sit there and stop myself from buying a bong. And I was like, don't do that. This is, this is what the you do. You do something, you get into it, and then you bring it into your house and then you have an addiction. Just leave it out of the house and it, it will go away. It's going to fade away. But Jesus Christ, now I know why. Everybody that I grew up with that did. Was that did bong rips for a sustained period of time was a burnout. I don't even know if they were burnout as much as they were just high all the time. They were just walking around in a cloud. And I was like, that is not a smart way to live life. But now that I've stepped behind the curtain and been on the other side, I. I'm not, I'm not going to lie to you. I understand it. I understand with all the fucking shit going on out there, what a nice break. Just do a fucking hit off a bong and just be like a insane level of high. I mean, it was. It was fucking ridiculous. And I was like, I like this. I like this a lot. I need to never do this again. And that is to mature me. Because the old me used to be like, I like this. I like this a lot. I need to do this more. And then I would bring it into the house and then I was fucked. Right? That's what happened with cigars. That's what happened with booze. It's kind of like what happens with fucking everything with me. So I have a. I have no cigars in my house. I am now back on another hundred day fucking sabbatical. Ain't happening. Ain't happening. I actually didn't smoke the last couple of days. Well, the last day I didn't smoke, so I'm actually two days in, but. And it sucks. I want one pretty bad right now, but I don't, I don't have one. So it's not bad. And then all it takes me is four to 10 days and I'm just like, yeah, it gives a fuck. Who gives a fuck? This is a smarter way to go. Although the bong rip was 10 days ago and I am still thinking about it vividly.

Bill Burr (24:05)

Whoa.

Paul Verzi (24:07)

That was Exhilarating. That was like the first time I.

Jake the Snake (24:12)

Soloed a helicopter, learning to ride a motorcycle.

Paul Verzi (24:16)

First time playing drums live with the band. I mean, the first time you take.

Jake the Snake (24:22)

A hit off a bong, that's.

Paul Verzi (24:23)

That is up there. That is. Fuck. I'm not gonna lie to you. That. That is definitely. It's definitely up there. So, anyway, I got a benefit coming up. Oh, geez. I got a benefit January 7th, this little theater down on Wilshire. And sorry, I'm, I, I'm really excited about this, and I'm gonna be. Gonna go do my. Go run my hour somewhere before I do that. For all you young comics out there, you always got to do that. You can't be rusty and just go do a fucking hour in front of people. Go down to the club, take your lumps, shake off the dust. If people paid to see you, you got to give them the. You got to give them the real show. You can't give them the bedhead. How do I do this again? Show. That's how you lose your following. You can't rip people off because you have to understand that your fans are your fans until you them, and then that's it. You're done. Then you're done, and that's what the relationship is. I am a fan of you as long as you deliver. The second you don't, I'm gonna trash you online and tell you to go yourself. But that's the game. You don't take it personal. That's how the game is played. I was actually hanging with a buddy of mine over his house, and his dog was so cool. I am, like, sold on this breed. He had a chocolate lab, and we were drinking coffee and smoking a cigar, right? And his wife came home, and the dog had gone on, like, a significant hike. And this thing just comes walking in and just walks right by both of us and then just goes right into the pool. I'm looking at my buddy like, is, Is that cool? He goes, oh. You know, it does that. It gets. Sometimes it gets a little hot on the hikes, and then it comes out. It shook off, and it would not go back into the house even if the door was open until it was dry. It just knew better. And it was a total love bug. But it was a big dog, you know what I mean? So you could, you could, like, hug it and shit, you know, Hate those. I, I, I don't mind little dogs and everything, but, like, you know, you lose track of them. You know, you bump into them. You know, they're Just like, sort of like these squeaky toys that are alive. I would definitely, without a doubt, I would definitely get one of those. So, I don't know, maybe talk to my wife about that. Can be like, you know, kids are old enough. She's gonna see through me. She's like, you just want to get a dog. I like, I do, I do want to get. Who doesn't want to have a fucking dog? Having a dog is like the reverse of watching 24 Hour News Network. Instead of all bad news, you go to all good news, all happiness. Good to see you psyched when you come through the goddamn door.

Jake the Snake (27:42)

All right?

Paul Verzi (27:43)

And with that, there's no ad reads, no nothing. Oh, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. There is something that I got to tell you about. Hang on, hang on. One of my favorites. One of my favorites, Bianca Cristoval is going to be in London, everybody, Friday and Saturday this week.

Jake the Snake (28:10)

Whatever that is, is that.

Paul Verzi (28:12)

That's the fucking fourth and the fifth she is going to be at.

Bill Burr (28:22)

Where the hell is it? Where is it?

Paul Verzi (28:24)

Hang in there. Hang in there. You got to go see her. Her new hour is killer. There we go. She's gonna be Friday the 3rd, Saturday the 4th of January.

Bill Burr (28:37)

That.

Paul Verzi (28:38)

The Soho Theater. The Soho Theater. Please go and see her. She's fantastic. She's doing the work. She's been opening for me for a number of years, and she's just a phenomenal, phenomenal comedian and person and all of that, you know, I recently saw her run her new hour and it's just fantastic material. Nothing hacky, total original. You got to go see her. I'm Bill Burr and I approve of this message. Soho Theater London, England Friday, January 3 Saturday, January 4. Go check her out. All right, that's it, everybody. That is the podcast. Have a wonderful year this year. Have a great weekend.

Jake the Snake (29:22)

You can't.

Paul Verzi (29:23)

And I'll check in.

Jake the Snake (29:24)

Look at that coyote.

Paul Verzi (29:26)

Look at that coyote. Coming now for something.

Bill Burr (29:28)

Oh, there's his buddy.

Jake the Snake (29:29)

And there's his other buddy.

Paul Verzi (29:31)

Oh, there's another one.

Jake the Snake (29:35)

Four, five.

Paul Verzi (29:38)

I sound like that guy.

Jake the Snake (29:39)

Double rainbow, man. Five coyote.

Paul Verzi (29:44)

Oh, they're killing something tonight. Another reason you got to get a chocolate lab, you got to get a big dog. That's the thing about those coyotes, they don't like a fair fight. They don't like fighting in their weight class. I'll tell you, that's wild. You ever see fucking when coyotes go after raccoons? All of these white trash people that fucking have a raccoon sitting on your Davenport splitting a bag of Doritos. If you ever saw those fucking things fight, if you ever heard the fucking noise. They have like a little mini fucking growl in them. They are fucking eve. I fucking hate raccoons. I fucking. I don't like those things. You know, I don't like about those things. They always see you before you see them. Have you ever seen a raccoon that wasn't already looking at you.

Jake the Snake (30:41)

Like Glenn.

Paul Verzi (30:43)

Close in the Natural? Just standing up like, what the.

Jake the Snake (30:46)

God God damn it. Raccoon.

Paul Verzi (30:49)

They're always staring at you. They're always above you. You know what I mean? Like some guy that's gonna suck you at a football game.

Jake the Snake (30:57)

He's two rows above you.

Paul Verzi (30:59)

I love how that's, like, common knowledge now. People already realize you want high ground in a stadium fight. People underestimate, though. If you can grab the jersey, all you got to do is fall back and that dude's coming with you. And the great thing is is this. The backs of the seats are going to be mid shin, so it's going to be an awkward fall. If you play your cards right, his left ear or right ear, and the side of his head is going to hit the road just behind you. If you play your cards right, that right there is upper deck Jiu jitsu. I'm kidding. I've never had a fight in a football stadium. I never would. There's no fucking way. There is no fucking I I ne. It was never worth it. I'm not fighting some fucking drunk that looks like he bought half the pro shop. Fight this idiot because he doesn't like his dad. Yeah, whatever. Whatever the you want to say. I don't give a. Yeah, okay. That's right. I'm a. I got it. Fantastic. All right. You go live your awful life, and I'm gonna get back to my great life. All right, There we go. Okay, that's it. And that was a life lesson in there. Started with the beach, ended in the upper deck, you know, hey, you do the math, you know, like when people can't explain their own opinion, so they just say that, you know, and if.

Jake the Snake (32:24)

You can't figure that out, then I can't help you.

Paul Verzi (32:28)

Yeah, bright lights. Why not?

Jake the Snake (32:29)

Why not?

Paul Verzi (32:30)

Bright lights. Yeah, have them on the whole fucking way, you dumb cunt. So what the fucking blue light in.

Jake the Snake (32:35)

Your dash is for, anyway?

Paul Verzi (32:38)

All right, that is the podcast.

Jake the Snake (32:40)

Have a great weekend.

Bill Burr (32:41)

You can't.

Paul Verzi (32:42)

And I'll. I'll see you on Monday.

Bill Burr (32:52)

Foreign. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. And it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 3, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Oh, Jesus. What to talk about first? No, I am not a father. That's not why. This is fucking late. All right? And I just lost all my female listeners. I was at the Rose bowl yesterday. That's why I did not record. Okay? I watched a bunch of college football this weekend.

Jake the Snake (33:31)

Whoa, football. Michigan's got it right?

Bill Burr (33:35)

I watched a bunch of. Bunch of college football, got into this huge debate with Jason Lawhead before the Ohio State game going, dude, I still don't get how the fuck you guys are in the playoff and Penn State isn't. You know, you guys lost to Penn State head to head and Penn State won your conference championship. That would be like if the Yankees won the American League east and the Red Sox won the wild card. And then the Red Sox got to compete in the playoffs to possibly win a world Series, and then the Yankees didn't. That makes no fucking sense whatsoever. And he starts going, well, I'll tell you right now, we had.

Jake the Snake (34:11)

We had three of the most impressive.

Bill Burr (34:13)

Road wins of any team, but blah, blah, just all of this shit. And I just kept going. You bleed scarlet and gray. If this was happening to your team, you would say it was bullshit. And he said, no, I wouldn't. I'd be asking why Washington? The Washington Huskies were in it. Like he would have no problem with the team that his team beat and won the fucking game. Give me a fucking break, right? And then what happens? What happens? Ohio State goes out and plays Clemson and they go out and proceed to get their asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds. Nerds. 31 to nothing. Clemson just fucking completely dominated them. And in the end, Lihead sends me this fucking text. He said, I concede. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I just sent him a picture of Joe Paterno shrugging and said, I didn't see nothing. Maybe that's what part of it is. Maybe that's why they still don't want Penn State to be in there, you know, Cuz at the end of the fucking day, the end of the day, this guy kind of fucking, you know, there's a lot of shit going on in the shower there. And the guy, he fucking didn't say nothing. There was so weird about being at the game because I was rooting for Penn State yesterday at the amazing, amazing fucking game by both teams. The quarterbacks, they both set like tied or set a Zillion fucking records. The highest scoring Rose bowl in. In history. At one point, both quarterbacks had four touchdown passes which had. I don't think. I think that tied a record or. I can't remember. And then one, the. The redheaded kid there threw his fifth. I think he was red. I don't know. I was sitting way up there. He threw his fifth touchdown. So final score was. What was it? 52 to 49. The over under was 53 and a half. So Penn State scored 28 points in the third quarter. It was just a fucking amazing game. And two things bugged me when I watched, when I was there, though. Of course, there's always something that bugs me. Okay, number one, the fucking. @ one point, they were showing all like the coaches or one of the Rose bowl, whatever, and Joe Paterno goes up there and this is. He gets a bigger ovation than anybody else. Bigger ovation than anybody else. How important are. Are sports? How important is fucking winning a fucking game to these Penn State people? Evidently, that's more important than if you look the other way, is some poor kid in a fucking shot. I mean, it's just fucking. It's. It's unspeakable. All right? I just fucking. I'm stepping away from that fucking program. I've always liked them. You know, I was still kind of rooting for him. I was like, well, you know, these kids here in the field, they didn't fucking do it. These other people are. They're innocent of all of it. And then they show, you know, they show the furor up on the fucking. Yeah, I'm just like, all right, fuck these people, right? But then USC and their fans, you know, USC fans of the classic, you know, all day, YOLO douches. You know what I mean? It's just so fucking hard to root for. Despite the fact, you know, oj, Marcus Allen, OJ Pre murders, like, if they put OJ up on the screen, you know, I wouldn't have fucking. Well, probably I would have just to be a cunt. All right, I'm a Penn State fan again. I don't want to. I don't. What are you doing that situation anyways? So Penn State, us, usc. It looks looking like they're going to win the game, okay? And then Penn State comes roaring back in the third quarter, which, by the way, took like an hour and like 10 minutes. It was the longest quarter of my life. The TV timeouts were fucking ridiculous in that game. I actually said to my buddy, I was just like, dude, you know What? This is the most boring, exciting game I've ever been to in my life. It was like if you were watching Goodfellas and every fucking three seconds somebody just hit pause on it for two minutes. That felt like ten minutes. Fucking referees standing around. They fucking reviewed everything. Everything but the fucking coin toss. They reviewed that. That game was like four hours, well over four hours long. So anyways, Penn State comes roaring back. Fucking USC fans. Few of them left, most of them stayed. And anyways, long story short, they end up coming. You know, they were down by like, I came, I was like 27, 14. The next thing you know, it's 35, 27. Then I think it was 35, 35 was 35, 27, Penn State then 35, 35, then 42, whatever. 35, then 49, 35. That's right. Then Penn State, I mean, USC came back and scored two touchdowns, right? And when they tied it, the fucking USC players, just the way they act, their program is the fucking worst. They're the type of program I can't stand. Like, do you remember the first game of the year when they played Alabama? And when they were coming out of the tunnel, there's a bunch of them acting like they were these crazed dogs at the end of leashes and they were lunging forward, but somebody's pulling them back. Oh, you guys, oh, you wait to see what the fuck's gonna happen here. And then they go out there and proceed to get their asses by a bunch of goddamn rednecks. Red, fucking Alabama kicked the shit. It was like 52 to go yourself, whatever the final score is. And then after all that, then they just go, oh, hey, good game, good game. They just scurry off the field, right? And then yesterday, you see when they win, right, they win. Like first of all, when they, they, they tied the game up, you know, and I would say on some ticky tack fucking pass interference calls, but like USC was getting fucking screwed earlier. They had a couple bullshit. It was just sort of, we fucked you guys twice. And then we'll, we'll, we'll fuck the other guys twice, okay? We'll balance it out here somehow. A couple pass interference things. So when they scored the touchdown to tie it up with like a fucking minute left or something, dude, all the scoring that Penn State did, I mean, they jumped up and down. That was it. Dude, fucking usc. The guy, they score in one end zone, this guy with no helmet on runs down the sideline to the entire other end zone, like doing that 300 yell like he Fucking scored. Even then I would have been like, dude, relax, it's a fucking tie game. All jumping up and down, all. All up on the benches with their jerseys, spinning them around over their heads, and it's a tie game. And then in the end, right, by the way, Penn State totally played Marty Schottenheimer ball. Marty ball. I swear to God, like every time they had a first down towards the end, they just. The first play was run it right up the middle, right near center's ass for no good, no yards. Well, we're, we're burning out the. Where we're, you know, we're taking time off the clock. They were doing that shit. I'm actually, I'm convinced that the prevent defense, by the way, is actually a. It's a scam that was come up with by the heads of the leagues that is executed by the coaches to make sure every. Fuck as many games as humanly possible can come down to the wire so people will continue to watch. That fucking thing once again, did not work. I can't even begin to tell you. They just. You're just going to give them the first fucking 80 yards, then you're going to play defense and hope that, that you hold them to a field goal. That's a philosophy. And they will just, we'll take away the sidelines, give them the middle of the field. Everybody knows how it fucking works. And all it does is ensure that on the final fucking three, four plays, the other team now has a chance to win. You've been playing defense, you've been shutting them down. You've been throwing the fucking ball. You've been kicking their ass. And then all of a sudden, hand up off the middle every fucking time. I don't know. Drove me up the fucking wall. So then when USC finally wins it, right after letting up 49 fucking points, and then they score 52, the second they win it, the entire team runs down the field, not towards the field goal kicker to celebrate, who, by the way, was doing that stupid dap thing, the entire fucking thing, trying to get like a sneaker deal. Like, what kind of kicker gets a sneaker deal? They get like half a deal. They just get it for their kicking foot. Then the other thing, they give them like a fucking sandal. So they don't even go out and celebrate with the fucking kid who kicked the field goal. They just run right down at Penn State's band and the whole fan section and just screamed all in their faces. And what's fucking hilarious is that game obviously could have gone either way. And if they didn't win, they would have been like, oh, hey, good game, good game. Penn State wouldn't have done that. It was just a completely classless fucking move. But that's how they are. You know, it's one of those schools where it's like, well, the coach just doesn't take any responsibility. He's just like, well, the kids of this, it's very emotional team and they like to express themselves. Yeah, yeah. When they win, when they win. When they don't, they fucking scamper off the field. It's like that Richard Sherman guy. Whenever the Seattle wins, you mad.

Jake the Snake (43:34)

You mad, bro. You mad, right?

Bill Burr (43:36)

And then all of a sudden he loses. He tries to be Mr. Fight. He tries to be the mayor. Hey, good game, Tom Brady. Good game. Everybody's like, that showed class. No, it didn't. Anybody can be classy. When you fucking lose. You can't talk shit. You lost. The class act is when you win and you're not a cunt about it. But anyways, having said that, it was a fucking amazing, amazing game. Great comeback by usc. And as much as it came down to the wire and there was all those points scored, I have to be honest with you, I, I, I, if I could have fast forwarded through the last 45 minutes of the. That's how long the game was and how long these TV timeouts were. I can't imagine how much money they made. Game started at 115. It wasn't over until like, I want to say like 5:45. 5:40. It was just way too f. It was over four hours long. It was like a baseball game. It's like, this is, this is what happened to the national pastime, Bill. You know what was almost as long as you bitching about the fucking game. Anyways, so we went to the tailgate and I brought that, that flat top grill that I got the campfire one. This is not a paid advertisement, dude. Fucking thing was unbelievable. It was un fucking believable. Law had was. Law had didn't want to go to the game. He was having so much fun. He cooked so much shit. We had so much fucking food. We had too much food. And that's why I felt like I got hit by a truck. Cause I ate so fucking much. And we made these hash browns. He made this crazy egg sandwich. Then we had chicken wings. Then we had fucking steak and cheese. And we still had burgers and dogs that we're gonna try to do at the end of the game. But I was just too Fucking full. But Law had. Was fucking hilarious, man. He was so excited to cook, right? I'm back in the truck, and he's outside of it, and this guy comes walking by. You know, when they sell those ticket holders, I always get one, right? And he goes, hey, take it all. You took it. I go, yeah, yeah, let me get four. So these guys sort of walking up to the truck, and I'm not doing a good job backing it in because the grill's blocking my view. I'm trying to look around. I don't want to fuck this thing up. And so I had to do, you know, make a couple attempts. And rather than blaming it on me, Jay starts yelling at the ticket guy, cuz, hey, buddy, can you get out of.

Jake the Snake (45:50)

Can you get out of the way?

Bill Burr (45:51)

Let the kid fucking park. And I just hear the guy going, hey, bro, you got. You got to relax. And Jay just starts fucking jawing at him like he's fucking arguing a call. And I just yelled out. I automatically said, jay, will you shut the fuck up? I go, dude, I'm sorry. Sorry about that guy. You know, he's. He's a little wound up, right? So we fucking buy the ticket holder things. The guy leaves. And then Jay's setting up his fucking. His little canopy thing, and he's just fucking. He's just locked in, you know, Jay's a fucking athlete, so he just fucking gets. He's. He's got that focus, right? And as he's setting the thing up, like, these four people, we've barely even established our space, are just passing through. And then Jay immediately is like, hey.

Jake the Snake (46:35)

I want you to just walk through the whole area.

Bill Burr (46:36)

Just walk through the whole area, like, freaking the out. I said to him later, I said, jesus Christ, Jay. I go, you fucking dropped the gloves before the game even started. What the fuck was with you? And he's like, no, no, the guys. The guy's walking right into you. Tires walking your tire. People come through the whole camp. And I just started laughing. I was like, jay, you're excited to cook. You're excited to cook. You got a little excited. Then he finally just. Just relaxed and goes, all right, I got excited. I don't know. We. We don't know. We. We just. We had a great time. And I don't know, I. I still nodded off a little bit in the first quarter, you know, I can't get to sleep after all these years of doing stand up till like fucking 12 midnight. Get up, you know, four hours later, I'm an old. I really Felt my age this year, man. Speaking of which, there was someone at the tailgate, I'm not gonna say who, who was fucking slumped over the truck because they had to go the bathroom and couldn't. So we're like, dude, we gotta take you to the hospital. We gotta take you to the hospital. Nah, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Fucking ends up coming back, like, 20 minutes later. Dude, I feel great, because I think he passed a fucking kidney stone or I don't know what the fuck it was. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, so we almost had a fatality. Lyon almost got a gay misconduct. Oh, that was the bullshit one on usc. That fucking targeting was. That. Was that. That. That was a. I don't know. Guy jumps in the air, he's aiming for his chest, and somebody else hits him. Then all of a sudden, the guy gets knocked down. Where is his chest? His head is now where his chest was. And the guy was already in the air, right? Does anybody give a fuck? All right, I will plow. I will plow ahead here. I also watched the ufc. I know this is like an old story at this point, but, you know, everybody. Like everybody else, I watched the Amanda Nunez and the Ronda Rousey. Rowdy Ronda Rousey who fight. And, yeah, that was tough to watch. That was definitely tough to watch. And it was even tougher to watch all the talking on, like, Twitter and all the memes and all. Oh, you know, I've taken naps longer than that. They went to get a drink, and.

Jake the Snake (48:54)

Then it was over.

Bill Burr (48:55)

And it's just like. Like, all of these people have. Have fought and competed and won in the Octagon, and they have the right to talk like that. It's just. I don't know why people do stuff like that. You know, that happens to every champion. If they. If they stay, if they stick around, eventually somebody younger is going to. You're the champ. Everybody's breaking down what the fuck it is you do over and over and over and over again, and then eventually you get run down. It happens to everybody. If it could happen to Muhammad Ali, Sugar Ray Leonard, Marvin Hagler, all these fucking guys. Their last fight, I saw him lose. Roy Jones Jr. Matt Hughes, George St. Pierre. Right? I think George St. Pierre might have won his last one, but he was all beat up and everything, but. And said he didn't remember part of the fight. So that's what happens to everybody. So, of course, I text this to my buddy, he goes, well, not Rocky or Fucking Mayweather, meaning Rocky Marciano. And it's just like, dude, all right, Rocky Marciano, absolutely. But like, Mayweather, I don't know, Mayweather owes me like 300 bucks in pay per view. Think about that guy. All right, I'm really going out on a limb here because I don't watch that much boxing. I think one, obviously one of the greatest fighters of all fucking time. But, like, he's just also understood that final third of his career. I feel better than anybody else how to still continue fighting and not take that big fucking knockdown. Part of it, or a lot of part, was his amazing defense, but the other is the fucking opponents that he picked. You know what I mean? That fucking Pacquiao fight should have happened at least eight years before. I was on his side where I was like, yeah, maybe he's on drugs. He probably. I don't know, maybe he is, maybe fucking isn't. But I don't know. All the. I don't know. Boxing isn't the way it was. Somewhere in the 80s, it died like that. Hagler, Hearns, Duran, Leonard, they all lost. And they all fucking lost to each other and shit. It's just like you had unbelievable fighters, Four unbelievable fighters, and they all fought each other. It's impossible to stay undefeated. But, you know, when you fucking, you know, it'd be like if fucking Ali fought Joe, finally fought Joe Frazier in like 1981. And, like, one of Ali's last fights, I think, was against Larry Holmes, who then was the fucking champ for like the next four years or whatever his rule, until I think Tyson came along. Or maybe there's one guy in between. I can't remember. It's been so long ago. Hagler's last loss was to Sugar Ray Leonard. I mean, these guys fought champions right up until the end of their career, as opposed to, you know, fighting some guy from England with weight issues. You know that one? Ricky, Ricky, Ricky Hatton. I saw that fight. I don't like talking about fighters either, because, you know, they can all beat the out of me. I'm just saying that, you know, I think it's gonna hurt Mayweather, the level of guy that he fought in the final third of his career. Because I know, for one, like, just. I just, you know, he'd watch his fucking fights. The other guy couldn't hit him. Mayweather couldn't knock him out. And he just kind of. The whole fucking fight with his. Those white kitten gloves, I'm just like, this is boring as fighting. Not to lose, playing, not playing, not to lose like Penn State. Like Penn State did in the fourth fucking quarter. So that's. I don't. That's my own dumb opinion.

Paul Verzi (52:30)

I don't.

Bill Burr (52:30)

But I don't know shit about fighting. But all I know this is you're a fucking asshole if you go on Twitter and you start trashing somebody because they, because they got knocked out, like they're a pussy, or you, you were overrated or any of that type of shit. I mean, some of you probably say I just did that to Mayweather. I'm not. I'm saying he's one of the greatest of all time. I would never say that the guy's a pussy or anything like that. I would have just liked to watch him fight a better caliber fighter. I don't know. You know what I mean? I like that. That Mayweather Pacquiao fight, that should have fucking happened in what, 0506, something like that? Bill, shut the fuck up. All right, I'll shut the fuck up. Anyways. You know what it really is, is that Versi fucking said that Mayweather would have fucking beat Hagler, Hearns, Leonard Durant, like he would have fucking beat all of them. It's like he would have beat all of them. All of them couldn't beat all of each other. You know, I don't know what he's. I don't know what he's basing it on. You know what he's basing it on. He's basing it on being born in the late 70s. I just, you know, I'm just an old fucking crabby man. Speaking of which, you know, I've. I've been working on my anger. I got in the car today to return the pickup truck and I, I fucking. I. I don't know. I made it down the street and around the block before I got into an argument with this fucking woman who just glided through her stop sign in her white Mercedes Benz. I got a, I got a. Anybody who's got a white Mercedes, a white people. White cars, man. High end white cars are entitled cunts. I don't like them. You know what I mean? They think the cars are classy, right? I always give. Birzie, like, Versie loves a white car. You know, they just think it's the classiest fucking thing ever. Mercedes and BMW, they've really fallen the fuck off, you know what I mean? They just went right down to the bottom feeders. Anybody with like, who can afford 60 bucks a month can lease one of those cars. Now I'm Telling you, when I used to see a Mercedes drive down the street, used to be some fucking guy like in his 50s who was wealthy or of a BMW even then that was like, more like the yuppie guy. Like, I'm not having fucking kids and I'll pour shit in the drinking water just to make another buck, you know, cook the stock market banker psycho, right? We were just having rough sex, you know, that lunatic. Now it's, it's like. It's like 21 year old kids. I think this podcast should just be like some sort of theme of like, things aren't the way they used to be. And I'm upset about it. You know what it is, is I. I didn't have a good breakfast today. And at my age, that's not a good thing. You know, I woke up and we didn't have any real food. The. My, my frying pan was underneath all this dirty from the Rose bowl that's in the sink. I was like, I'm not gonna fry up a egg. And Nia has one of those little kids cereals in there. And I was just like, all right, I'll eat this. And I'm. I already had the fucking sugar high and now I'm starting to crash. So I'm being, I'm being a little harsh on the millennials, you know, and Floyd Mayweather and people who drive white cars. I can admit that in 2017, I can admit that this is the new me, the new Bill. I meditate now. And by saying I meditate means I tried it once last week, and I plan on doing it twice a day, but I've only done it once so far. But. But I've been thinking about doing it, you know, and people have been sending me shit about trying to get over my fucking anger issues. And yeah, that lady, like, glided through the stop sign and I just, I stopped. I said, you got a stop sign right there? And she goes, you got one over there. And I go, that's not it. It's the other one. It's just like you're just a fucking. Another douche in a white Mercedes. I swear to God. Do you think if they stopped making that car, people would drive better? There's something about people when they get in a white Mercedes, a white fucking car, like, you know, that cost a certain amount of money. That's it. Look, I'm getting upset again. Just relax, Bill. Take a fucking breath. You know, go outside, look at the birds, whatever the hell it is you're supposed to do. You know, somebody sent Me, this, I got. I should play it now. Somebody sent me this fucking video on, you know, how to get over my anger. And at the risk of sounding like a hack comedian, it actually, it didn't make me angry. It fucking upset me though. It really did. Let me see this here. See if I can click on this fucking thing again. Oh, how not to be angry all the time. I wonder if I can play this and not get fucking trouble by some, some podcasting entity here. See if I can turn this fucking thing up here. So I look at this thing, right? It's a cartoon. So immediately it's on my intellect level, right here. It is this, this is what they're trying to say to me. I'll try to play this here. My minimal fucking abilities here. Oh, for God's sake. So you gonna play it here or what? I hit play. I refuse to get fucking angry during this point. Why won't this thing play? Oh, I know. Cuz I'm in this room. I'm in this room. So the fucking. The Internet doesn't work. Oh, there's a little spin wheel. It's gradually. It's spinning around. What's gonna happen? All I want to do is play this fucking. All I want to do. Room A. Zoom, zoom, zoom. I just want to play this fucking video. How does it know? How does the universe know when you're trying to fucking do something? All right, you know what? Fuck it. I'm not playing. Hey, look at that. I'm not angry anymore because I just gave in because that's basically what this fucking video told you to do. It was talking about so and so this is, this is the name of the video. It says how not to be angry all the time. And I would love to read the fucking comments on this thing, right? Says how not to be angry all the time. And it shows this guy, it's like William or whatever. I think actually name was Bill, I can't remember. You know, he likes to read the newspaper and he tells his wife not to interrupt him while he's doing that. And then it goes. His wife finds this very upsetting.

Andrew Santino (58:55)

So.

Bill Burr (58:55)

So one time he's reading the newspaper and she says, hey, when are you going to, you know, set the table? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And William flips out. He gets angry. And it says, William gets angry because he has hope. He was talking about how angry people, as much as they come off as they're negative, they're actually really positive people and was basically saying that they have hope. So they present all these different scenarios. They're like, at each one of these cell, you know, he goes to the airport and his plane is delayed. He's one of the premier fucking flyers. He gets mad, he goes up, he flips, he screams at the fucking lady behind the counter because he is hopeful. And it was basically saying that he needed to be a little more pessimistic. Oh, here's the video. Here's the video. It's basically saying you needed to be a negative cunt. Here we go. We certainly don't usually think of them as optimist. Why is it so quiet? You know what? I can't deal with this guy's accent. I. I can't deal with it. Oh, I know. I had no. I had the microphone turned around.

Paul Verzi (60:04)

There we go.

Bill Burr (60:05)

Gloomy people. They actually are. All right, hold on one second. Angry people sound like gloomy types. We certainly don't usually think of them as optimists. And yet beneath their gruff surface, they truly are, much to their. I can't fucking. Oh, my God, I can't fucking listen to it, can he? Why does he gotta fucking over. Enunciate everything. Enunciate everything. Gloomy people, they're actually positive people under the. Yeah, so basically he goes through all of this fucking shit, right? And he says, in. In. To be more positive is what you have to do is you have to accept the world, that the world is actually a very dark, gloomy place. And most things fail, and most basically, most dreams don't come true. And, you know, be more of like a realist. And like, people who, you know, people get upset, people who aren't angry. People get upset when something happens, but they get over it way quicker and they don't get nearly as mad. And it's basically because I guess they're walking around going like, oh, yeah, why wouldn't this person in this white Mercedes blow through the stop sign? Of course they do. I. I guess there's part of me, I understand that, like, I flip out about the moron drivers out here. And I literally say to myself out loud after I flip out in the car going like, yes, Bill, you have established that people out here suck at driving. When are you going to stop reacting to it? And, you know, I don't think ever. I don't think it's because I'm like, an optimist. I don't have. I'm not hopeful that someone fucking, you know, if they're going to make a left, that they. That they'll get all the way over to the left. Instead of sitting in the middle of the lane. And now I have to fucking wait where. If you just were over by the double yellow line, I could have gone around you, you fucking cunt. I'm not, like, hopeful that they're gonna do that. I don't have, like, hope that they're gonna do it. I just can't understand why you wouldn't. Because I know that person has been sitting behind somebody doing that. It's like when you're. You're in a long line at fucking whatever and it's moving slow and everybody's yammering with the person on the other side of the fucking desk. It's like, just get up there, say what you want and shut the fuck up. How hard is that? And there'll be a person in front of you looking at you, rolling their eyes like, I can't believe how long this takes. And then they get up there.

Jake the Snake (62:47)

What do they do?

Bill Burr (62:47)

I'll tell you, it's a great day.

Jake the Snake (62:48)

Out there, isn't it?

Bill Burr (62:50)

They just fucking launch into all of this shit that has nothing to do with what you're doing. And it just fucking adds time. So I'm not. I don't have any hope that people are gonna maybe. Do I have hope? You know, I guess I would hope you be a fucking. Not a moron and figure out why this seems to be taking way longer than it should. I don't know. I don't think it's because I have hope. I think the reason why I get fucking angry is because that is my default emotion. I think that that's what it is. You know, I came from one of those families like, hey, shut the up. You sit there and take it, right? One of those things which, you know, if you're not allowed to express yourself, you immediately feel like you're not going to get what you want in life. And I think that. That's what I think. That's why I flip out. You know, I flip out because of that. Like, you know, if something starts to go away, I don't want it to go. No one's going to listen to me. And I don't have any fucking options other than to just sit there and fucking take it. So I think that's what it is. I don't think it's because I'm hopeful. I get maybe a little bit. Maybe I'm such an angry cunt. I can't say that there's some truth in this video, but I don't think the solution is. It's to just Walk around, you know, just accepting that people are the way that they are. You know, that'd be like if, you know you're coaching a team, it'd be like, yeah, you know, we're 8 and 8. Yeah, we're just 8 and 8. Next year, you know, I will probably be 8 and 8 again because I've accepted that this is the way things are. I know a lot of positive driven people and they're not angry people. So I don't think being positive is part of that. I think, I think it's just how my fucking wires, my mental wires have been soldered together. I think I probably came into the world, I don't know. Can you come into the world angry? I don't know. I don't think you can. I don't think you're born that fucking way. I have no fucking idea. But I don't know about this video where I gotta now just, I just. The solution is just to be like, yeah, well, you know, people out here, when they make laughs, that's how they're gonna do it. I mean, I guess if you just do that then you don't get angry. Because all these years of me getting angry has not made people stop doing that. It never made the person in front of me go like, oh, I'm sorry, let me get over. They just sort of look at me weird as I, as I drive by, yelling at them, looking at me like, what the fuck is he yelling at me? Am I doing something? I have no.

Jake the Snake (65:32)

I have a white car.

Bill Burr (65:33)

How could I possibly be in the wrong? I don't know, I have no idea. I think, I don't know, I don't know what my deal is, but I plan on getting to the bottom. But at least understand it. But I don't think a three minute YouTube video with some guy with his, you know, I think in the United States we like getting like people with English accents to fucking narrate shit. Cuz then it just sounds like it's true or smart, you know what I mean? Which is why I think all these, these English guys have, and Scottish guys have done well. Maybe it's just women like fucking that accent or just like a different foreign accent.

Paul Verzi (66:13)

I don't know.

Bill Burr (66:14)

Like these talk show people. You know, for some reason that slot that used to be after David Letterman, you have to get an English or a Scottish guy. Like that's become like that time slot. Like an American accented guy cannot do well in that. That is the Great Britain accent time slot. I don't Know, I, But I, I. All I know is I can't listen to. I can't listen to this again. This Fred, he is often furious. He's been married to his. He's often furious. He sounds like he's in that Clockwork Orange, but I am off often furious. His name was Fred. I knew it was one of my names. Right. All right, what am I doing here? Let's. Let's. Let's read some fucking advertising here. 34 fucking minutes into this podcast, and I don't think I'm. I don't think I'm even remotely a better person. What about you guys? All right. Oh, it's our friends here. No, wait, let's. Let's. Let's stay on this point here. Maybe, Maybe that's what I should. I'm going to try that today. I'm going to just try walking around, and what I'm going to do is have my eyebrows up a little bit. I'm going to do that thing that people do, you know, where they make their lips disappear. Their mouth looks like it's closed, but their lips disappear. You know, the kind of. I'm just going to do that walk around like, oh, yeah, of course. This thing. That should take 90 seconds. Of course. Now it's going to take six minutes. Yep. Okay. Take my car over to the dealership to get the. The brake light done. I mean, I know that I could change out a brake light, but of course you have the screws. They're. They're inside the car behind a plastic thing. And I know when I go to take that thing off that they are. The head on the screw is going to be something I've never seen before and requests and requires a special screwdriver that I could go down or maybe order on Amazon, you know, and of course, they won't just sell me the one. I'll have to buy the whole set. And then I'll be like, well, I guess I can pay fucking $35 for a new set of screwdrivers and hope I don't get a ticket over the next few fucking days. Or I could just drive down to this fucking dealership and just pay 180 bucks for a fucking, like, Mario getting mad again. I'm just going to go down to the dealership and just say, yes, I have something that I could totally repair on my car if you guys hadn't put those alien screws in there. Excuse me, could I have the screwdriver that I need to undo those four screws? Could I have that Please. And could I then find the corporate guy right as he's getting on his jet who came up with this idea? And could I please just. I don't know, just sort of stick it into the side of his neck? I think that would be nice. How does that work? If I say angry shit, but I say it in a pleasant way? Ma'am, is there a reason why you're so not focused as you work this cash register? Is there a reason why you feel that you're above a job that you stink at? How does that work? Shouldn't you be so good at this job that I'm actually sitting there thinking to myself, why are you working here? You're way beyond this. Why are you standing here reinforcing that you're not even good enough to do this job because you think you're better than another job? Is there any way you could open that cash register door and I could grab you by your ponytail, shove your head into the drawer, and then see how far I could close it with your head in it? Is there a way I could do that? Sorry, guys. You just. I have to rehearse everything that I'm going to go through today. Oh, hello, Staples. No, you cannot. You cannot have my phone number. I mean, I'll give you a phone number and I will give you an alternate phone number. Yes, I will. None of these will be true. Oh, I'll give you a. I'll give you a. You know my fake email addresses that I give. It's. You know it aol.com youm gotta have a fake one. You know it@aol.com. that's my fake one. And that is a reference to Will Ferrell in old school. Frank the Tank. When they're going, Frank the Tank. Frank is going, you know it.

Jake the Snake (70:42)

You know it.

Bill Burr (70:45)

The fake phone number I give out is a series of area codes followed by the number of five. They'll be like, what's your. What's your phone number? It's like 32-3212-8185. That's what I do. But they start to look at you after two area codes. You know when you go like 310212, you get that little puppy look, the little cock of the head. And then rather than saying 818 because they're going to know I go 8185. So I still get it in there. Fake name I go with all the time, Russell. Russell. Whenever I just need a first name. What's your name? Hey, what's your name? Russell. Russell what can I do for you today? Well, you can. You can start by not asking me personal questions. All right? That's what you can do. And you can get some loafers that are. That fit your feet. How about that? All right. That tight shoes. I'm sorry, I don't have to tell you. Oh, by the way, I, you know, I got some video. My old buddy Cleo, and she seems happy as hell. And this is unprecedented. This person that I gave my dog to is a dog trainer and at like the fucking dog whisperer level, so. Which is what my dog needed. And he sent me video of something I've never seen before. My dog came in and wanted to play with another dog, which my dog never did. My dog tried to kill other dogs. My dog tried to kill another dog. When my dog was with the trainer that now has it. He's slowly been working with this fucking thing. And it was amazing. And the trainer said, you know, within a week to 10 days, they will probably be just like best of friends sleeping together in the sun. So that made me feel good because I think she's actually happier in that environment than she was with me. Even though, you know, I miss her to death or what. But that made me feel good. So there you go. There you go. I'll tell you, that fucking dog has had an amazing life. An amazing life. Like, literally it should have been over like three different times and it always survives and its life has gotten progressively better. So that made me feel good as much as I. As much as I missed the thing. That's cool. It's got a friend and I got nobody. All right. Oh, here we go. Let's read a little advertising here.

Jake the Snake (73:22)

Oh, zip.

Bill Burr (73:23)

I have no fucking idea what any of that is. I don't know what just happened there. The origins, like the first comic book. Do you need to explore the origins of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? It's. It's all on the Internet. Superman. That goes back to the 30s. There was no Internet back then. The Internet came out in the late 60s, right? When Al Gore was in his fucking. His dorm room, right? He was in there with Donald Trump and they both came up with it. They should both host a game show called what I Invented. You know, it's like to tell the truth and you gotta guess, right? Just the two of them just sit there talking shit, you know? Alright, I'm sorry. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing affordable raises right to your front door every fucking month. So you, you can get a great shave, but razors aren't the only thing you need in the bathroom. What about all this shower stuff? Oh yeah, kid, you gotta wash your undercarriage. You know, it's an old school thing. Instead of saying you need to shave. You know those older guys. Hey, you need to take a shave. Hey, why don't you take a shave? Take a shave like a shit. What are you saying there? Fucking grandpa. All right, turns out Dollar Shave Club thought of that. Thought of what? Taking a shave. Oh, buying. Oh, shower shit. All right. They just came out with a new line of shower products. Shampoo and body wash called the Wanderer.

Jake the Snake (74:44)

Well, I'm the type of guy who likes to wash his balls.

Bill Burr (74:48)

The fragrances are unlike anything on the market. They're subtle and actually smell like real natural ingredients. There are a lot of body washes out there that make you smell like a teenager. This mint and cedarwood body wash is amazing and makes you smell incredible. How is that natural? To walk around around smelling like ice cream and like you just chop some lumber? That makes no sense to me whatsoever. You know what I mean? I know mint and cedarwood exist in nature. I don't know. You got to give it a try. Once you're in the club, you'll see the products work amazingly. The surface is world class and you're going to smell like a hummingbird's taint. There's no long term commitments, no hidden fees and you can cancel whenever you want. And best of all, they're giving you or giving away a one month trial of any razor for a dollar with free shipping. That's not really giveaway. If you're giving it away, you're giving it away. You don't ask people for money. After that it's just a few bucks a month. Get your $1 trial at dollarshaveclub.com burr that's dollarshaveclub.com burr and lastly but not leastly, thank fucking God here. Stamps. Stamps.com. one great resolution you can make for the new year. Maximize every minute and every dollar for your small business. I know an easy way to do that. I'm going to read this like a creepy cult leader trying to get your money and gradually bring into the fold. I know an easy way to do that with stamps.com. think about how much time you've wasted, how much time you've wasted going to the post office, driving there, finding parking, spending your own money on things that you want to spend it on. I think it's time you came into my compound and started spending your money on me. Because I Am truly the son of God. And not only that, stamps.com is the better way to get postage. Just use what you already have. You don't need to go because you're already there. Your computer and printer. I don't know what the fuck.

Paul Verzi (77:03)

I'm sorry.

Bill Burr (77:04)

Just use whatever you have. All right, you cunts. Use your computer, your printer, get official US Postage for any letter or package. Then the mailman picks it up with stamps.com. everything you do at the post office you can do right from your desk and at a fraction of the cost of one of those expensive post it meter. I use stamps.com whenever I'm sending out my posters. I'm a fucking moron if I can figure it out, so can you. So right now Sign up for Stamps.com and use my code burr B U R R for this special offer. 4 week trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes postage and a digital scale. All right? Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. You click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. You type in brrrr. That's stamps dot com. Enter brrrr stamps dot com. Never go to the goddamn fucking post office again. All right, let's do the reads for this week and then I'll get the. All right. I already read the anger one. Goodwill. Hey, Bill. Bill, loved the podcast. Can't wait for F is for Family season two. Thank you very much. Last week on the Thursday podcast you talked about Goodwill. I worked at Goodwill for a little over a year and you wouldn't believe the shit that was donated there. Oh my God. This fascinates the hell out of me. I imagine they give you basically everything short of a body. You are totally right. They just throw all this shit in trucks. But they. But instead of throwing shit in the oceans. Wait a second. But they. Instead of throwing shit in the oceans, put the trucks in warehouses and let them set for at least three to 10 years so the shit can get a lovely scent of mold over them when they get loaded. They literally throw the shit on the truck. Nine times out of 10, breaking whatever you are donating. No way. You know what the shit. You know what the shit thing is about donating to Goodwill? You can bring shit with mold, piss, shit or anything else disgusting there and they have to take it. Well then what are they supposed to do with it? I'd put it on a truck too. 9 times out of 10 they will take anything but that. 1 time out of 10, if you bitch and threaten to call corporate and complain. They will take no matter. They'll take it no matter what. Oh, God. Somebody's got to do a documentary on Goodwill. When I was there, people would donate trash they didn't want to pay to get rid of. Couches torn to shit with piss stains all over it, mattresses with literal shit on them and a laundry list of long, gross shit. Dude, this is like an expose and I'm taking this all as fact. I have no idea if this is true or not. They will literally sell anything. I got to the point that when people would donate things that were really nice, I would tell them they should keep it or give it to someone because it would just be thrown away. But of course, the mouth breathing that would donate trash that they that they have to what? But of course, the mouth breathing that would donate trash that they have to take. Dude, you're a bit of a mouth breather here. You're not speaking in full sentences. These people are hoarders that you can't even open their car door without shit falling all over the fucking place. Fucking disgusting. The grossest thing that I ever saw get sold was either a mattress with shit and piss stains on it or an antique dildo that had white hair all over it. Ah.

Paul Verzi (80:28)

Ah.

Bill Burr (80:28)

Come on, come on, come on, people. I, I, I can't believe this. This. Am I getting trolled here? Is this a millennial? Is he giving me the business? He says, I know this is going to sound like I am making myself in this situation. What? I know this is going to sound like I am making myself in this situation the good guy. Is this a voice text? But I seriously would look at them and be like, why the are we selling this? This is really wrong. They will respond with, we have to sell everything to try and make bonus. The sad thing was we never made bonus. I got to the point where I wouldn't price shit because it was garbage. On my last day, I felt like grabbing a trash bag from the office, go around the building picking up trash, then tying it, tie it up, slap a dollar on it and write on the bag, mystery bag or some shit like that and see if anybody would buy it. But I didn't do this is all. That was all one sentence. On my last day, I felt like grabbing a trash bag from the office, go around the building picking up trash, then tie it up, slap a dollar on it and write on the bag, mystery bag or some shit like that and see if someone would buy it. But I didn't. All one sentence. Thanks, Bill for The laughs. And good luck to you and Neil with the new baby. Yeah, I kind of. I kind of get. But people just use goodwill because they want to feel like they're being environmentally conscious, you know, I'm not throwing this out. It's going to end up in a landfill or in the ocean. And then you just bring it down there and they just throw it out. Yeah, well, it didn't take a genius. You come down there, there's a giant fucking 18 wheeler empty just parked there. Not like it's dropping off or picking up shit. It's just. It's there on its. On its legs. There's no tractor trailer there. And you know, they just come over there like once a day and just drive that thing away. Where's it going? All right, drama queen. Dad. Dear Billy Red Nose. First off, I'd like to say thanks. Thank you. Thank you. I'm a lady. Oh, my God. I have a female fan in high school and lately I've been listening to your podcast whenever I'm stressed out or just looking for something to laugh at. Okay, now onto the story. My father is a middle aged man with bipolar disorder and likes to blame everything on his mental illness, as he calls it. I like that you're already taking him to task here. He's going to blame everything on his mental illness. Yeah, that's no reason to not do your dishes. All right, all right there, loopy. He's very dramatic and claims that his bipolar is the reason he hasn't been able to hold a job lately, even though he kept the same career for about 10 years and is now working for a new company. My parents are divorced, so whenever my father can't have us over to visit, he claims it's because of his illness. Man, that's the greatest. There's nothing like a fucking built in excuse. That's gonna be great when I have a kid here in a few fucking days. Minutes, weeks, whatever. You know, I'd love to, but my kid, my kids. Yeah, I can't. I got a kid. I don't want to tell him. Him that bipolar disorder is not a mental illness because he'd go ape shit on me. Is bipolar. I don't know. I thought anytime your brain was fucked up, you had a mental illness. I have a mental illness with my anger. Okay, Bipolar. Bipolar. Is it a disease? Well, let's see here. Oh, just give me the fucking answer. Oh, Jesus. Fuck you. I'm not reading all this shit. This is the Internet. I don't want to expound it on Just give me the yes or no. Is there yes or no dot com? Can we just do that? Just answer. You ask a fucking. It's like, I don't want to know. Why is this blah, blah, blah, yes or no? And then you have your answer. So then when you go to the bar and somebody says something, you're like, no, it isn't, or yes, it is. Yar, it is. Do you know that bipolar disorder develops during a person's late teens or early adult years? Do you know? I didn't ask that question. Never trust a doctor with a goatee. Where the fuck is. You know? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Look at these fucking eggheads. They all got nice full heads of hair, though. I got to give them that. All right. Anyways, I don't want to tell him bipolar disorder is not a mental illness because he'll go apeshit on me. For some reason, he seems to enjoy making me, my sister, feel like. And makes mountains out of molehills whenever we correct him or stand up for ourselves when he bullies us. Yeah, don't take any shit. He sounds like an asshole. What's even worse about this is that his bullying always works. He's very manipulative, and I'm scared to see him because of the things he said and done to me in the past. Every time I'm informed, I'll have to spend the weekend with him. I nearly piss myself with anxiety. My question to you is, how the fuck do you deal with someone like this? I know my dad is ridiculous and uses underhanded tactics to make me feel like shit, but for some reason, I'm not able to just get over it. None of my friends seem to relate to being so terrified of one person like I am of my father. And I would like to hear your take on things. Thanks for reading this and go fuck yourself. All right? How would I get past? Well, this is the hardest thing to do. You have to stop giving a shit about the guy to a certain level at some point. You know, when you. If you have a parent like this, you have to look at them and remove mentally that they're a relative. And you have to just say to yourself, like, if this person was a complete stranger, would I be friends with this person? Would I interact with this person? Would I waste another minute, my fucking life dealing with this person, you know? And when you got to ask those questions, usually it's like, absolutely not. This would have been a fucking one and done situation. But the thing is, it is your dad, so you can't Write him off. But you have to kind of. That's the toughest thing when you got to write off a parent but still interact with them. You just got to be like, I don't know, you kind of have to find the humor in it. I think that's a tough one, especially at your age. I don't know, I would just, I don't know, I would probably do some passive aggressive where I would just. Oh, yeah, Is that how it is? Okay, I'll get right on that. You know, like that. I don't know what to tell you. I would just, basically I would still like, what is he gonna do other than get mad? He does. It doesn't sound like he hits you anything. So he just mad and he flips out or whatever and just, I, I stop. Who gives a fuck? That's what he's gonna do. The guy's out of his mind, right? Maybe he's got bipolar, maybe he doesn't. Maybe it's a disease, maybe it isn't all, you know, just, oh, man, this is tough. This is, it's fun. This is a fucking rough one because it's your dad. And the last thing you want to do is then go out in the world and start dating somebody who then treats you like that. The exact fucking thing you don't want. And then you end up with that. And then you have that same nervousness in a fucking relationship. That's all I can say. You know what you got to do? You're not going to be able to fix this guy. You got to deal with him because he is your dad. But the big thing that you can do is in your life is you create a life that does not involve this. All right? You need to go out and go marry a fucking sweetheart, right? And then your fucking house is great and it's peaceful and it's what you want. And then every once in a while, this fucking tornado torn tornado blows through and you deal with it and then it leaves. And then you go back to your peaceful life. That's all you can do. You really, as a kid, you really can't do anything about your parents. You can't pick them. You just get the ones that you get. But the thing that you can do is create a life that does not involve that. And then you don't do that shit to your kids. And then you break the cycle. Then that's it, you know? But the weird fucking thing is that they still always gonna be in your life, you know, so that lunatic will then be around your kids and it's just. It's a. It's a motherfucker. It really is. But fortunately, they, for the most part, die before we do. And then, you know, you don't have to deal with them anymore. So I guess try to find the fucking humor in it while you're dealing with it and then think of how exciting your life is going to be by not having that in it. You know, you might want to just Skype with them for a while. Get yourself in a situation to be like, what? I think the screen froze. Hello? And you just click. But that's really. That's disappointing to hear that an adult would manipulate a teenager. Forget about his own fucking daughter. That sucks. So, I don't know. Try that. But just know that you can go out in the world and have any life that you want to have, uh, simply by, you know. You know, he's showing you what you don't want. All right, there you go.

Paul Verzi (89:40)

Oh, man, that's brutal.

Bill Burr (89:42)

You fuck. You fuck up so bad as a parent that your daughter goes out going, I want to marry a man who's the exact opposite of my own dad. Who. That's game, set, match. You fucked up as a father. All right. Sister's girlfriend. Dear Bill the Red Bitch Burr. My twin sister is a lesbian and she's dating a lady who was bisexual. She was bisexual? And then what? Then what? Became totally homosexual and went back to heterosexuality? Or is she asexual? At first we didn't. We weren't close or anything, but we did get along with your twin sister, not the bisexual woman. Right. Then about a year ago, we ran into each other at a club in. Oh, I know. You're talking about the bisexual lady. My sister is a lesbian and she was dating a lady who was bisexual. First, we weren't close or anything, but. But we got along. I'm assuming you're talking about the bisexual lady. Then about a year ago, we ran into each other at a downtown club. We. We had a few draw. Jesus. We have a few drinks, just start talking about random stuff. She came back, she's gonna try to fucking. She gonna try to finger bang the whole family here. Until a friend of mine invited us to a party at some guy's house. We went and had a lot more to drink. And then one thing led to another. Does anything good ever come after? And then, you know, one thing led to another. That's when you're fast forwarding through something, a piece of shit thing you did or something. You're embarrassed of one thing. Led to another. No one ever talks about fucking. Hey, how did you hit that one, that winning game shot? Well, they inbounded the ball, and one thing led to another, and, you know, I hit the. I hit the shot to win the championship. You will tell every detail.

Paul Verzi (91:25)

I was running down the court with every step. I could feel my heartbeat. I knew somebody had to step up.

Bill Burr (91:31)

And I knew that someone was gonna be me. Right. That's how you tell it when you. When you did some good, he did some bad, you know, one thing led to another, and the guy was on the ground and he wasn't breathing. So I don't know what happened. Okay, One thing led to another. We ended up having sex the next day. We came. We came to and both felt horrible about what happened. You both came to. I. I just pictured that, you know, take my picture. Smack my up. Remember that? Madonna was in the background going, oh, she was singing like the opening to start Trek. The next day. We came to and both felt horribly about what happened. She then told my sister that she slept with the man but didn't tell her it was me. Oh, wait, you're a guy. I thought this was a lady. Oh, okay, okay. I'm bisexual. I don't know. All right, wait a minute. Wait a minute. All right, Your twin sister is a lesbian. She's dating the ladies, bisexual, yada, yada. First, we weren't close or anything, but we got along. Okay, and then you ran into her and you fucked. You fucked your fucking sister's girlfriend. No wonder you went with. One thing, led to another. Then we came to like you were both drugged. Oh, these are classic. You feel horrible about this, sir, or you don't, and. But you want to get away with it, so you're blowing through the details. Well, this is very. This is very underwritten for. What the fuck has just gone down here? Jesus Christ. She then told my sister that she slept with a man but didn't tell her it was me. Dude, this chick is a psycho. For the past year, I've been torn up about it. I need your unbiased style of advice. Should I tell my sister that was me or not? Thanks. P.S. come to blah, blah, blah. I would love to see you again. Dude, no, don't say a. You die with that secret. Die with that secret and hope that woman fades away. And then if it ever comes back around, she said it was you and just be like, it was the fire.

Jake the Snake (93:55)

Wanted time.

Bill Burr (93:55)

We had a couple of drinks.

Jake the Snake (93:57)

One thing led to another.

Bill Burr (94:00)

I wouldn't say a word don't say a word. Okay? The fly in the ointment here is this bisexual lady, okay? She's jumping all over the fence. She's fucking sister, she's fucking brothers, and she's fucking white people. No, I'm kidding. She's fucking two people. She's. She's the fly in the fucking ointment, okay? She said the shit. I don't know why she's doing that. This is like. This is. She's like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction if she. Both Michael Douglas and the hottie he was married to. And the rabbit. Okay? Just. This lady. Just, you know, you just sit tight, okay? This is like you're in a sub and you cut the engines and you're just hoping that they're not going to start dropping depth charges. You just hope you get through it. Sometimes in life, you just shut the fuck up. I. This is one. I wouldn't say anything. And if she brings it up, yeah, you slept with her. I would just. I mean, what are you gonna do? This is the thing. You just. This lady's out of her fucking mind. There's no way your sister's gonna end up with her, okay? There's no way she's gonna end up with her, all right? This woman's out of her fucking mind, so she's eventually gonna fade away. All you have to do is just hope that when it comes time for the breakup that the crazy bitch is breaking up with your sister. Because if your sister goes to break up with her in that highly emotional moment, she might drop the bomb, okay? And then you would just. You just got to play it like she said. What? No, that. Never. She's just. You just breaking up. That she said. That's why she was saying it. Because you're broke, and then she walks to the room, you're like, all right, I did it.

Jake the Snake (95:44)

Because one thing led to another.

Bill Burr (95:49)

All right, Cough my pants down. A Billy. Blue lungs.

Paul Verzi (95:54)

I don't know what that means.

Bill Burr (95:55)

I'm 24 years old and I'm dating a woman that is 34 years old. All right, so you're fucking an older lady. You're not dating. Come on, what are you going to do? Well, you're going to have your first kid with her when she's like 96. We've been dating for close to three years now, and I couldn't be happier. We recently bought a house. Oh, Jesus. You're 24. You're dating a 34 year old and you bought a house with her? Recently bought a house. I Would be nervous if this was flipped and the guy was 34. It was a 24 year old. He's still a wild horse. Man, you gotta run out on the range. We recently bought a house and it finally came time to put down the down payment on the house and all that extra stuff. I'm gonna be honest, I had ego issues on the down payment. She knows my financial status and she was cool with it, but I just wanted to provide more because she does so much for me. So I dropped my car insurance without her knowing to give her the extra money, even though she said I didn't need to. I felt like, what sort of man would I be if I didn't contribute my part? So my luck has it, I got into a car accident literally two weeks after I dropped my car insurance. I'm between a rock and a hard place now. We want to start a family, but I'm guessing my license would be suspended for a year. Lot of burden will be put upon her now that I'm. I'm assuming my license will be suspended for some time. Bill and me, if you could do me a solid on this one, that would be great. P.S. longtime listener, first time emailer. Oh, geez. What are you. What are you asking me like, yeah, you're fucked. You are fucked. I agree with that. Well, I. In life, sometimes you learn a hard lesson, sir. And you're learning one right now. I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you with this woman. I mean, the solution you. What you learned is the solution is not doing what you did. You don't expose yourself to that type of a liability. You didn't really ask me a question. All right, so you love this person, you want to start a family. That's all good. And you fucked up. I would, I guess if you haven't told her, I would come clean. Tell her what you did, why you did it, say you're sorry, and I don't know what, but if you're 24 and you want to be able to provide. She's 34. And you're gonna get married, you're gonna start a family. I don't know. How are you gonna be able to provide? You gotta get your career going. I would think so. That would be my biggest concern once I find out what the judgment against me is going to be. But here's the deal, dude. She's 34, you're 24. She should be making more money than you. She should have more money than you. Her life should be further down there. You know, you can't try to catch up to a 34 year old, all right? Because the only way for you to do it is to do what you just did and you end up fucking yourself over. And in the long run, you fuck her over too. So you have to respect the fact that you're the age you're.

Paul Verzi (98:58)

You're at.

Bill Burr (98:59)

And I would try to figure out what the fuck I wanted to do with my life and I would try to get that career going and I would hope that there would be a bus close by that I could take to get me to that. Because you're. I think you're gonna get fucked here. Sorry to say that, but yeah, my advice would be to stop trying to measure up to a 34 year old. Just be 24. All right. I hope that helped you out, but.

Paul Verzi (99:25)

That'S all I got.

Bill Burr (99:26)

Sorry. Okay. All right, that's the podcast for this week. All right, that's it. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. And I'll check in on you on, on Thursday. Congratulations to usc. Congratulations to Clemson, Alabama. Oh, Nilly, we're gonna see who's gonna fucking win that one. And NFL playoffs, playoffs are coming. Bruins had a nice two game win streak over the Sabres. And then we, we fucking lost yesterday. I missed that game. Got fucking smoked three to nothing. But who do we play? Played fucking the Carolina Hurricanes. That's it. Hey, everybody, the holidays are over. It's a brand new fucking year. Don't deal with bipolar people. All right, if you're gonna make a left, get over towards the double line. Don't liquidate your fucking insurance so you can try to fucking bang a four year old. And I think that's it. Yeah, and if you bang your lesbian sister's girlfriend, keep your mouth shut. All right, talk to you on Thursday.

Jake the Snake (100:29)

What's up, everybody?

Andrew Santino (100:30)

Welcome back to the Anything better podcast show, NFL edition. I can't believe I'm saying this for week 18. Oh my God. It's over. The regular season is over. It flew by. But we got one more week to go before we get into the show. We have to shout out to sponsor. It's BetMGM, everybody. You guys know BetMGM. You still got time. Because playoffs are coming. BetMGM is offering 1500 in free bets to get your season going. Here's how it works. Four easy steps. You download the Sportsbook, the BETMGM Sportsbook app. Use our code, the code for anything better, which is Burr B u r R. You sign up with at least $10. Place your first wager and receive up to 1500 dollars back in bonus bets if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available. Once your initial wager is settled and the first touchdown offer still available, you simply place a prop bet of any player in any game to get the first touchdown. If your player doesn't score the first, but instead score second, you'll get your stack back in cash. Guys, not gonna lie to you. I'm usually, usually humble when I go for now. But the one pick that I liked, Bill and I, and it killed our draft pick was I took the Giants getting seven and a half and I said, I think they're going to lose, but cover. And they fucking outright won and lost.

Bill Burr (101:52)

The first round pick.

Jake the Snake (101:55)

Yeah, but I got to tell you, dude, the first round pick though, historically it's true. You know what I mean? It seems like it's two, three guys a decade that come through and then also, you know, that's being the number one obvious choice at quarterback is a blessing and a curse. You get a bunch of money and then you go to a team with no offensive line and you know, worst case scenario is RG3. Best case scenario is Elway or Eli being like, I'm not playing for these guys. So I don't know, dude, like this. There's been a bunch of guys. I think that'd be an interesting stat. Are there more people in the first round in the teens that that ended up being hall of Famers or those first guys? Because there's a lot of busted quarterback, which, you know, I don't know. We obviously I don't always putting on the quarterback. It's a team you go to. There's a lot of bus. What about like the third round pick? They pick a left tackle. You know, we got to get somebody in here to protect our guy, like those guys or a defensive end. I've seen a lot of those guys not pan out. So I don't think, you know, this whole idea that if you get the number one pick in the draft, you know, you got a Super bowl coming in the next four or five years is a little overrated. It's just exciting for the fans because you get to pick whoever you want.

Andrew Santino (103:24)

Yeah. And historically you're right because the last like sure shot was Andrew Luck. And like think about how long ago that was. They were like, this guy is like ready. And they were right. He was great. But then like, that doesn't happen a lot. So you're right then he was too.

Jake the Snake (103:38)

Smart to keep playing. Football.

Andrew Santino (103:40)

He was like, I'm done, dude.

Jake the Snake (103:42)

Yeah, I got my money.

Bill Burr (103:43)

I'm out.

Jake the Snake (103:44)

I can go do computer programming. I think he was just a smart guy and he went to some of these old NFL events and he just saw what he was going to be walking like and talking like. I mean, it's brutal.

Andrew Santino (103:55)

Yeah, he's like an engineer or a scientist. Like, he's like, ridiculously so.

Jake the Snake (103:59)

This is brutal. By the way, last week I brought up the name Virgil Livers. I had never even heard of that. Said he had the. The Joe Theisman of testicle injuries. And it's not even close. Like, Joe Theisman. Anybody in the world would take what happened to Joe Theisman versus Virgil Livers. He wasn't wearing a cup, and some guy landed on one of his balls with his knee and it exploded. Like, what. What kind of pain is that?

Andrew Santino (104:27)

Dude, I did this show. I shot that show.

Jake the Snake (104:29)

I think you just go. And then no noise comes out. You're just like, I can't even wait in the hospital.

Andrew Santino (104:37)

No, no, dude, that's. There's.

Jake the Snake (104:44)

Excuse me.

Andrew Santino (104:45)

There's this. This famous story of this rugby player. He's like, one of the toughest rugby players in the world. And it was for the show that we shot. And he was so tough that he was, like, getting beaten up the whole game. And he's, like, wincing in pain in the locker room. And his teammate looked at him and realized his teammate goes, dude, what's wrong? His scrotum was shredded and the ball was hanging out of the scrotum, hanging down, and there was, like, fatty tissue and blood. And he just goes like, oh. And then just got it sewn, put it back in and sewn back in and just, like, kept on like. It was the toughest I ever heard. I was like, dude, God.

Jake the Snake (105:27)

I would say that's the dumbest shit I ever heard. You can have that thing sewn up. I mean, you could literally affect whether you can have kids or not. And then you're gonna go run around the grass, dirt and mud. No, that's. That's like. I would say. I mean, dude, it's. If your family's life is on the line, you can do some Rambo like that, but if you're just playing a game and you. That. That is the reason why men do not outlive women. It's all of that dumb of like, how much pain can I take? How dumb can I? Because obviously I shouldn't play right now and I should go to the hospital. But if I want Some man points. I'll do the exact opposite.

Andrew Santino (106:05)

By the way, what's a cup doing? Isn't. How did that guy get his balls exploded? Like, what happened with his cup?

Jake the Snake (106:10)

He wasn't wearing a cup. Oof. Some, I don't know, 250, 270 guy, you know? Oh my God.

Andrew Santino (106:19)

Oh my God. Well, let's get into football picks.

Jake the Snake (106:23)

Okay, then we've got two ball bag stories.

Andrew Santino (106:26)

Oh, my God, dude. Oh my God. When you said exploded, it just ruined my afternoon.

Jake the Snake (106:32)

I mean.

Andrew Santino (106:38)

Dude, I'm literally like, oh.

Jake the Snake (106:39)

Paul, you hate to hear it. You hate to see about it. You just hate the whole thing.

Andrew Santino (106:44)

Oh, all right. I guess this is week 18. I got. See, this is a tricky week because not everybody's playing for something. So you got a lot of spoilers, but then, then you got some good ones.

Jake the Snake (106:54)

Oh, you're not playing for something either, Paul. Paul's had his bench in picking games for the last three weeks. And then he goes 40 again.

Andrew Santino (107:03)

Yep.

Jake the Snake (107:04)

Dude, I. I swear to God, if I actually was watching football and had time to look at this, I would help the podcast out. But I got to be honest with you. You, Andrew and Jake the snake, well above 500. Just spanking bet MGM got him over your knee, Paul.

Andrew Santino (107:22)

Well, here's the deal. If I go, if I can manage to go three in one or better, it'll be the best I've ever done. So I'm in it.

Jake the Snake (107:31)

Still, dude, the fact that it isn't already doing very quietly, the trust fund kid, Andrew Themlas, he picks for over 40 games, right? Every year, you know what I mean? He's just doing it out in Seattle, so, you know, ESPN doesn't pay attention, you know? Well, he was picking. He was picking these games in New York, like they'd have a billboard of them. Times Square.

Bill Burr (107:53)

Listen. He's listening.

Andrew Santino (107:55)

He's the Beverly Hills kid. Quiet Assassin. We gotta.

Jake the Snake (108:00)

We don't know if his dad has connections with Vegas though. You know, he does come from money.

Andrew Santino (108:04)

That's true. I saw some of those characters at his wedding. He's got some connections. They all got good full hair. We got to bring a Jake the Snake here. Jake the Snake on the last regular season. Regular season, week 18. We got to ask you a whole who's playing for the most Stuff. We gotta ask you, B. Who's hurt? What do we got, Jake?

Unknown Speaker (108:36)

Well, Tina's playing for the most is on Saturday. Cincinnati Bengals. If they lose, their season is over. If they win, they still need some luck. But so that's kind of the big game. That's like the dominoes will start falling because if the Bengals win, then Denver has to win if they want to make the playoffs.

Andrew Santino (108:56)

And also Miami Dolphins, right?

Bill Burr (108:59)

Yeah.

Unknown Speaker (108:59)

And they would need the Dolphins to lose as well. So the Dolphins would get in if Denver lost and they won. So that's the other team that could make the playoffs. And then the Sunday night game is for the one seed in the nfc. The winner between Detroit or Minnesota will be the one seed.

Bill Burr (109:16)

Yeah.

Unknown Speaker (109:16)

So that, that's kind of the big game. And then in terms of resting, the most controversial ones, probably they're Eagles, because the wrestling. Saquon Barkley, who has a chance to break Eric Dickerson's ultra all time rushing record, he probably won't get that chance again.

Andrew Santino (109:29)

And Eric Dickerson himself came out this week and he act good for him. He goes, I don't want him to break it. He actually said he doesn't want his record to be broken. He was honest about it. Good for Eric.

Jake the Snake (109:41)

Dick, is anybody going to mention that you're getting two extra games?

Unknown Speaker (109:44)

Yeah, well, that is true too, so.

Jake the Snake (109:47)

But Eric got two extra games from OJ And I don't mean the murders. OJ did rest his two.

Andrew Santino (109:57)

Two homicides going on and off the field. Okay.

Jake the Snake (110:02)

He killed one person for every thousand yards he rushed for. He was shredding people and defenses and what was it, 73. He did it in 14 games.

Unknown Speaker (110:18)

Yeah, that's unfortunately games.

Jake the Snake (110:20)

Jake the Snake. How many yards do you have to average to get 2, 000 yards in 14 games? Come on, man. Somebody break out. Come on, Andrew, somebody.

Unknown Speaker (110:29)

I'm terrible at math, but.

Jake the Snake (110:34)

170, 180.

Andrew Santino (110:35)

I like 170, 180 per game, which is nuts.

Bill Burr (110:39)

Dude.

Jake the Snake (110:39)

They got 2, 000 yards for 18 games. 111 for 14 of 14 games. Oh, for 14 games. Somebody. Somebody's got a calculator.

Bill Burr (110:49)

142.

Jake the Snake (110:50)

142 yards a game.

Bill Burr (110:52)

Round up to 143.

Unknown Speaker (110:54)

Insane.

Andrew Santino (110:55)

They gotta stop adding games, dude. If they go to 20 games a year, they gotta stop this.

Unknown Speaker (111:01)

They're gonna go to 18 pretty soon, which is a lot. Season's long. We're gonna go to President's Day weekend, you know.

Bill Burr (111:09)

Yeah, it's.

Andrew Santino (111:10)

It's like. Yeah, concussions was a big.

Jake the Snake (111:13)

I, I would say that what will probably happen was regular season, regular season records will obviously start falling left and right if they get 18 games to do what people used to do in 14, 16 games, 12 games, depending on how old the record is. And then I would. I would think unless they keep making adjustments to how they play the game, careers will be shorter. But it's weird because you'll be playing more games. So, like, you know, in like nine years, you'll have played an extra season or eight. Eight years an extra season than what somebody else did. So that's going to take its toll. Plus the playoffs. But they got a front loaded, right? I mean, you can't go any deeper into.

Bill Burr (112:00)

I mean, I guess you can.

Jake the Snake (112:01)

I don't know.

Paul Verzi (112:01)

I mean, it's.

Jake the Snake (112:03)

You don't. They don't want to be playing. And it's just grease. Too hot. That's all it is. It's greed. I bet they go to two bye weeks and then it'll be 19 weeks. They'll just keep stretching it out and stretching it out and bye weeks. What's the great thing about the bye weeks is it adds an extra week to the season already. We're already up to, like, what is it, seven, 18 weeks. A regular season with. I think, with the buy, right? Yeah.

Unknown Speaker (112:30)

You only have one.

Jake the Snake (112:31)

I'm not complaining as far as being a football fan, but these players, like, you can. You know, the owners don't give a. They're gonna start wearing those hot air.

Bill Burr (112:39)

Balloon helmets.

Jake the Snake (112:43)

Playing for like 25 weeks.

Unknown Speaker (112:45)

I can't believe they still play on artificial turf. It's basically concrete.

Jake the Snake (112:50)

I thought they got rid of. They got the fake tires that are giving people cancer. Cancer? Yeah. All the goalies in Europe, especially goalies that handle the ball.

Bill Burr (112:59)

Yeah, yeah, they're all getting, like, cancer.

Jake the Snake (113:02)

But then what Europe does is they actually, you know, when they're not causing world wars, they. They look out for their people. So they got rid of all of that stuff. So I guess whatever they treat the tires with has some sort of lead or something in it that they're saying could possibly allegedly create cancer. Yeah. Great thing about having a shaved head fall is even if you have cancer, nobody knows that is.

Andrew Santino (113:27)

That is a positive.

Jake the Snake (113:30)

Oh, he's in treatment. Oh, I thought he was on Ozempic. I. I knew he was getting a little guard, but he kind of looked the same anyway. All right, let's do some picks here, Paulie. All right, you guys want the screen up? Put the screen up. And let's start picking away Billy Housewife. Trying to get 30 wins this year.

Andrew Santino (113:50)

All right, I. Dude, I don't think. Is Aaron Rodgers gonna. Is Aaron Rodgers gonna spoil the Dolphins season? I don't think so, because the jets are that bad. I'm going to take the Dolphins playing for their playoff lives minus one.

Jake the Snake (114:12)

Well, what week of the season do you start saying that you just love. You love. Gun to your head and playing for your playoff life?

Andrew Santino (114:23)

I do. You just.

Jake the Snake (114:24)

You know what it is? You love the drama of that.

Andrew Santino (114:27)

I do.

Jake the Snake (114:33)

Summertime blockbuster that. That just.

Bill Burr (114:35)

You are.

Jake the Snake (114:40)

What's that?

Andrew Santino (114:41)

Another one I say is he's running for his life.

Jake the Snake (114:44)

Oh, running for his life. I usually use that one when I'm defending a quarterback that has no offensive line. All right. I would say right out of the gate. I mean, 20 and a half points. I mean, what is this, college football? It's ridiculous.

Andrew Santino (115:03)

I mean, you're starting.

Jake the Snake (115:05)

Sorry, sorry. My daughter just heard me swear. 20 and a half. I'll take the Browns, man. Going downtown with the Brown.

Andrew Santino (115:14)

Well, you're starting with.

Jake the Snake (115:16)

Dude, I'm almost up by three touchdowns. I mean, how do I walk away from that?

Paul Verzi (115:21)

I.

Andrew Santino (115:21)

We've been doing this show for a few years. I've never seen that line.

Jake the Snake (115:25)

Have you ever? I've never seen that line either.

Bill Burr (115:27)

20 and a half.

Jake the Snake (115:28)

Hey, shout out to these speaking of Ohio, the Ohio State Buckeyes, everyone laughing when they lost to Michigan, all of a sudden that two games away, knocked off number one Oregon like they were nothing.

Andrew Santino (115:38)

Yeah, yeah. Tell you what, too. That defensive line of the Notre Dame Fighting Irishman, that D line looked real good against Georgia.

Jake the Snake (115:48)

I can't believe they won. I was sitting there going like, maybe.

Bill Burr (115:50)

Georgia, Ohio State in the final.

Jake the Snake (115:52)

Shows you what. I know, Paul.

Bill Burr (115:53)

I know Jack's squat.

Andrew Santino (115:56)

I've been riding.

Bill Burr (115:57)

Let me ask my wife.

Andrew Santino (115:59)

Train. Hold on. Where is this? Where is this game? What's this line? Where are they? There they are. I've been riding this train.

Jake the Snake (116:09)

Where are they? There they are.

Andrew Santino (116:11)

I've been riding this train for four weeks or three weeks, whatever, and I'm gonna. I'm staying on, everybody. I'm going to take the Cincinnati Bengals playing for their playoff, minus two in Pittsburgh. You know, I don't think the weather's going to affect either team because both play in cold weather. I'm going to take Joey Burrow to do his part in getting his team there, minus two Cincinnati. I'm taking them.

Jake the Snake (116:42)

You know, Paul, since you like the playoff live so much, the. The nickname of the team you would have loved the best growing up if you were old enough would have been the Cleveland Browns with Brian Sipe. They were called the Cardiac Kids.

Andrew Santino (116:56)

Oh, that's a great one.

Jake the Snake (116:58)

Because. Because they would they. They would look like they would be losing, and then the last second they would win the game, you know, like in overtime.

Paul Verzi (117:05)

Make your heart stop.

Jake the Snake (117:06)

The cardiac kids, back when having a. A. A heart issue was. Was still kind of funny. You could actually say. Now you have to say unalive.

Andrew Santino (117:19)

Oh, yeah.

Bill Burr (117:20)

That is the dumbest.

Jake the Snake (117:22)

That is like, I would love to get to the head of liberals and be like, all of these years of changing the words but not dealing with the problem. It's so dumb. People are still killing themselves. They're still committing suicide. But we're all saying unalived.

Andrew Santino (117:41)

Yeah, he unalived himself.

Jake the Snake (117:44)

He unalived himself.

Andrew Santino (117:46)

Yeah.

Jake the Snake (117:47)

What are we, children, Paul? Is that what liberals. Liberals want us to treat us like children? Right. And then conservatives that want to bring back the feudal system. Isn't there a middle ground, Paul? You know what the middle ground I think is, Paul, is taking the Rams getting six and a half at home against the Seahawks.

Unknown Speaker (118:07)

Rams arresting everybody, by the way, because they have nothing to play for.

Bill Burr (118:11)

But.

Paul Verzi (118:15)

Wait a minute.

Jake the Snake (118:15)

Does the Seahawks have something to play for?

Unknown Speaker (118:18)

No.

Jake the Snake (118:18)

What do you mean? The people are playing for next year's contract. They're playing to stay on.

Paul Verzi (118:23)

Yeah, yeah.

Jake the Snake (118:24)

In Hollywood, Tinseltown, where they put on a show. I'm going with the Rams because the game's gonna be on tv. I can actually watch that game with my old man, Cable Paul. I'm not clicking on a bunch of apps and getting passwords and all of this. I'm not doing this anymore to try to. Dude, you know what my son said this morning?

Andrew Santino (118:50)

What?

Jake the Snake (118:51)

He got upset at me and told me he was going to call Kojak.

Andrew Santino (118:57)

That's awesome.

Jake the Snake (118:59)

Yeah, he loves that show, man.

Andrew Santino (119:00)

Oh, dude, that's so awesome. We have.

Jake the Snake (119:03)

We have dad and son, black leather jackets showed up at a Christmas party.

Paul Verzi (119:09)

Dude, that's awesome. Dude.

Jake the Snake (119:11)

Yeah.

Andrew Santino (119:11)

Oh, God. That's awesome. Yeah.

Paul Verzi (119:16)

All right. What do you got here?

Andrew Santino (119:19)

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it because they're gonna ruin it again. They're gonna ruin the fourth pick. They already ruined the one. They're gonna ruin the fourth pick. The Eagles are sitting, everybody. I'm gonna take my New York Football Giants to bury us in the draft even more. Plus three.

Jake the Snake (119:38)

I like that.

Andrew Santino (119:39)

Eagles are playing for nothing. The Giants are playing for pride. On take the Giants.

Jake the Snake (119:43)

I'm gonna take the Washington commanders.

Andrew Santino (119:46)

Okay, that's a good one.

Jake the Snake (119:48)

Laying six going into Jerry world. And I'm hoping at some point those Dallas Cowboy fans stop complaining about GMs and coaches and players. And they get to the real problem on the 50 yard line. Paul looking like he's going through a wind tunnel.

Andrew Santino (120:12)

You know. Another one I like. Bill, another one I like. They're on life support, but they're still in it.

Jake the Snake (120:22)

You know what? The one I like, they're hanging around. That's the one I like. They're letting them hang around.

Bill Burr (120:30)

Paul.

Jake the Snake (120:35)

Around.

Andrew Santino (120:35)

Not dead yet.

Jake the Snake (120:39)

Showing signs of life.

Unknown Speaker (120:42)

The Giants were the only underdog that won last week. All under favorites were 14 and one.

Jake the Snake (120:48)

That's why I went one in three last week.

Andrew Santino (120:50)

All right, Jake the Snake. What is going on with your Chargers? Are your Chargers in it still?

Unknown Speaker (120:55)

Yeah. They've clinched the playoff spot. The only thing they have to play for is if the Steelers lose to the Bengals, then they could. Then if they be. And if they beat the Raiders, they would move up a spot so they'd play at Houston instead of at Baltimore, which would be much more ideal because Baltimore is going to blow us out. Houston will give it. Houston we can be. Baltimore, we cannot. So it would just depend on Saturday if the series.

Jake the Snake (121:22)

Jesus, Jake, why don't you just make the pick for him? How much information you're going to give them. That was incredible. You did everything but break down the scores per quarter.

Unknown Speaker (121:32)

I'd love it if the Raiders won just so they. Just so they can fall down. I fall out of the top 10.

Andrew Santino (121:38)

Every time I see Jake's window. I just picture a girl getting up. Imagine she's like, jake, you're not. You're never that thoughtful with me. Just throws a shoe at his head.

Jake the Snake (121:51)

Jake, why can't I quit you? I come over here, you just treat me like a hula.

Andrew Santino (122:00)

You care about your football show more than me.

Jake the Snake (122:02)

It's been three months. I've never been outside with you. Jake's just wiping off his glasses. That's how it is, Sweetheart.

Andrew Santino (122:12)

It's week 18. That's why it's week 18.

Jake the Snake (122:16)

You can write one more. The fucking stealth stud. People have no idea what to. You know everybody out there. You're lucky the Playboy network still isn't around. Jake would have a. A block of time.

Andrew Santino (122:29)

We got wild card weekend next week, sweetheart.

Jake the Snake (122:32)

Football season's over.

Bill Burr (122:34)

She's like, can we go out?

Jake the Snake (122:35)

Where do you think that money comes from? All right, all right. Don't cry. Okay, here we go.

Bill Burr (122:42)

Here's a little bit of cash.

Jake the Snake (122:43)

Go out. Go get yourself something. Calm down. Take you out for a coffee later on today? Jesus, every woman in my life. All right, who do you. Who's picking next? Look, we established the threesome early in the relationship. You can't take that away.

Andrew Santino (123:11)

Now the charges are road dogs, honey. They're road dogs.

Jake the Snake (123:19)

If they don't cover that trip to Cabo, you can forget about it. That's the kind of pressure I need you to understand that I under every week. I don't get to live in your fantasy land of having another adult take care of you.

Andrew Santino (123:38)

My God.

Jake the Snake (123:42)

Look at me. I'm still in my robe. I gotta be on the air.

Andrew Santino (123:45)

Oh, God.

Jake the Snake (123:53)

This might be a short movie we gotta make. All right, let's go. What do you got?

Andrew Santino (123:57)

Okay, for my fourth and final pick, I think I gotta just end it with the team. I think that's going to win the super bowl. And I think I'm going to take the Lions at home with something to prove against the Vikings. I think Jared Goff is the best and I'm going to take them to beat the Vikings. I got the Lions at home laying three.

Jake the Snake (124:21)

All right, Paul, I'm going to tell you why I'm going to take the Vikings. Oh, you know why? Because you've been, you've gone, you've gone big on all of these. Playing for their playoff lives.

Andrew Santino (124:33)

Yeah.

Jake the Snake (124:33)

Playing for their playoff live two times. And then you said something else, that they're running for their lives. All right. But then when you pick the lines, you go, you know, I, I think they got something to prove, you know, and it sounded like you were talking about a first time female director. I wasn't impressed. I wasn't impressed.

Paul Verzi (124:57)

So what was it like to be.

Jake the Snake (124:59)

Behind the camera, legs up off the floor and on the couch?

Andrew Santino (125:03)

It's so empowering.

Jake the Snake (125:04)

It's so empowering. It's such a great message. It's a story that needs to be told.

Andrew Santino (125:11)

And we were like one on set. We were just like one. It just everything.

Jake the Snake (125:15)

Oh, my God, you're gonna make me cry. You're gonna make me cry. I'm gonna take the Vikings.

Andrew Santino (125:21)

Oh.

Jake the Snake (125:22)

Head to head. Remind the Lions who both these teams are.

Unknown Speaker (125:30)

Neither have a Super Bowl.

Jake the Snake (125:31)

Both of these teams, this. I swear to God, if there's a way, if they played each other in the super bowl, it would somehow the dome would collapse and the game would have to be played later. Something would happen. But I'm going to take the Vikings. I don't even know why. Just because I want to watch the.

Andrew Santino (125:47)

Game and wait, Jake, the Vikings beat them already, right?

Unknown Speaker (125:51)

This year, I think the Lions won The first game.

Andrew Santino (125:55)

Okay.

Jake the Snake (125:58)

Okay.

Paul Verzi (125:58)

Oh.

Jake the Snake (125:59)

Oh, look at Paul.

Bill Burr (126:00)

Yeah.

Andrew Santino (126:00)

Okay, so wait a minute.

Jake the Snake (126:01)

We didn't like that answer, Paul.

Andrew Santino (126:03)

So wait a minute. Whoever wins this game gets the first seed the first week by. And home field.

Jake the Snake (126:09)

Yep.

Andrew Santino (126:10)

Oh, it's a huge game. Huge game.

Bill Burr (126:14)

Huge game.

Andrew Santino (126:16)

And it's our Monday night or it's the Sunday night.

Unknown Speaker (126:19)

There's no Monday night game. So that's the last game of the regular season.

Jake the Snake (126:22)

Hey, Paul, did BET MGM call you? Like, you know, like when you lose an election and you call and you congratulate the other candidate? Have they called you yet? Four years in a row, have they made the phone call? Bet mgm. Like, when are you just gonna man up and realize, you know, your guys in Vegas, they're just not going to beat Paul Burzee?

Andrew Santino (126:41)

I just don't understand why they don't just call me into Vegas and have a meeting with me.

Jake the Snake (126:47)

You know what it is?

Bill Burr (126:47)

You know why, Paul?

Jake the Snake (126:48)

Because you're Italian.

Andrew Santino (126:49)

Yeah.

Jake the Snake (126:49)

Prejudice against Italian. You believe this?

Bill Burr (126:51)

You believe this? Day and age?

Andrew Santino (126:52)

This day and age.

Jake the Snake (126:53)

Prejudice against Italians Three years in a row.

Andrew Santino (126:55)

You believe it?

Jake the Snake (126:57)

What if anybody, they called you up, said, paul, we would bring you in, but we spent 40 years trying to get you people out of these casinos. If you're a little more WASPy, we. We get you in there.

Andrew Santino (127:08)

I'd be like, I get it. I get it, okay?

Jake the Snake (127:10)

I get it.

Andrew Santino (127:11)

Some of our guys messed up.

Jake the Snake (127:12)

What do you want, dude? I was talking about that kid last night, Luigi on stage. I go, this guy's a hero. We should be down there trying to bust him out of the jail. I go, this country never in the history of it has ever gotten a Luigi out of jail. All the way back to Saco and Venzetti, Paul, they've let you guys twist in the wind.

Andrew Santino (127:36)

I lived in a neighborhood with two or three Luigis, okay? Growing up, they were Cavarici. Z Cavaricci with the black filers. And the filers had this.

Jake the Snake (127:47)

I thought you were saying that was their last name. I was like, oh, my God, that's.

Paul Verzi (127:52)

Got to be in a movie.

Andrew Santino (127:53)

No, you remember the Z Cavaricis, right?

Jake the Snake (127:55)

No, I remember them. I wore them.

Andrew Santino (127:58)

I didn't even have Z caps.

Jake the Snake (128:00)

I had. So I had big puffy pants that. That were tan like Pete Carroll if he was backing up MC Hammer. And then they had this lime, like, label, like, right above your dick to let everybody. And then. And then they tapered in like, like a little thing around your ankle.

Andrew Santino (128:16)

Oh, dude. And they were Their hair was perfect. And they literally did this with the comb. They had cologne. They had chains over the turtleneck. And when they would pull up in the. Cat in the. In the Camaro, you would just hear. You're my dream boy.

Bill Burr (128:31)

It.

Jake the Snake (128:32)

I don't even know that song.

Andrew Santino (128:34)

You know that song, right?

Jake the Snake (128:37)

You don't have. Come on, sing it.

Bill Burr (128:39)

Sing. I want to hear it.

Andrew Santino (128:40)

You're my dream boy. How's it go? You don't. Oh, hold on. I gotta get it.

Bill Burr (128:48)

Come on.

Jake the Snake (128:48)

We're gonna get knocked off YouTube. Don't.

Bill Burr (128:50)

Don't play it.

Jake the Snake (128:51)

Okay. Oh, really dinged.

Andrew Santino (128:54)

All right.

Paul Verzi (128:54)

Oh, to be.

Jake the Snake (128:57)

Was that by Banana Rama?

Andrew Santino (128:59)

Wasn't that, like. I don't know. You remember. You remember Stevie B. You remember Stevie Spring Love? You remember, right?

Jake the Snake (129:05)

Hey, Paul, if you're in a group called Banana Rama, like, how much are you saving your money when you're on tour? Like, I don't. I don't see this going longer than three summers.

Andrew Santino (129:14)

Yeah, but, dude, they had Cruel Summer for Karate Kid. Big one.

Jake the Snake (129:18)

I know they did, but their name was Banana Rama.

Andrew Santino (129:21)

Yeah, it's true.

Jake the Snake (129:22)

That's a tough one.

Andrew Santino (129:23)

That's a tough one.

Jake the Snake (129:24)

Yeah, that's like.

Paul Verzi (129:26)

What was the other.

Jake the Snake (129:27)

We get knocked down, we get up again. What was the name of them? Chumbawamba.

Bill Burr (129:34)

Banana Rama.

Jake the Snake (129:35)

I mean, you're just all gonna end up on the same cruise ship.

Andrew Santino (129:37)

Dude, did you hear Dave Grohl talk about Foo Fighters? He goes.

Bill Burr (129:41)

Dude.

Andrew Santino (129:41)

He goes. We didn't even know. He goes. We thought it was the dumbest name. And we thought, like, oh, if it gets serious, we'll change it. Like, they actually did Foo Fighters as a goof. Like, he thought it was so stupid.

Bill Burr (129:52)

Well, yeah.

Jake the Snake (129:54)

Stupid all the way to the O2 Arena.

Andrew Santino (129:56)

Oh, hey. All right, so here we go. We got the last game of the year.

Bill Burr (130:02)

We hit.

Andrew Santino (130:03)

I think we tied the record for Monday Night Specials this year.

Bill Burr (130:06)

Yeah.

Andrew Santino (130:07)

So we got Vikings after host in.

Jake the Snake (130:09)

In the open era when they made it more difficult in the modern era. Now with the wooden rackets. How we did it the first.

Andrew Santino (130:21)

All right, what are we gonna do? Because Bill likes the bikes.

Jake the Snake (130:23)

Hey, I'm doing a podcast here. Let's try to keep it down. All their friends are over.

Andrew Santino (130:31)

Who? Oh, the kids.

Jake the Snake (130:33)

The kids are. We gotta wrap it up.

Andrew Santino (130:35)

That's the best when the kids are over, though, isn't it?

Jake the Snake (130:38)

Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. They.

Andrew Santino (130:43)

Because I'm the cool one. Because I'm the cool one, and they know it. And I. I get, you know, Lets my wife know. Sometimes it's good to remind them. It's good to remind them who the easy one is, you know? You know, because I'm. Because that Scandinavians are old.

Jake the Snake (130:59)

They're.

Andrew Santino (131:00)

They got that Viking in them. They're cold.

Jake the Snake (131:02)

I'm warm.

Andrew Santino (131:03)

I'm warm. I hug her family. Dude, you. You go in and it's like, it takes forever to even greet my family. It's a hug. It's. Hey, how are you? Oh, my God, get in here. God bless you over there.

Unknown Speaker (131:18)

It's like, what, slips a sandwich in.

Jake the Snake (131:21)

The pocket as you hug them. There you go.

Andrew Santino (131:23)

Doesn't take much to be warm, does it?

Jake the Snake (131:26)

Out of the Vikings hug, Paul.

Andrew Santino (131:28)

They don't. They don't hug. Hey, how you doing? Hey, Merry Christmas.

Jake the Snake (131:34)

It's like, good things are good, you know, work, kids.

Andrew Santino (131:40)

Scandinavians have this thing where, like, when you first get into the house, it's not like the way, like, if I see you get in here, they have like a, hey, how's everything? How's it going? Oh, it just looks good.

Jake the Snake (131:54)

Everything.

Andrew Santino (131:54)

And then, like, then two drinks in, they're happy. You know what it is? You know, it's.

Jake the Snake (132:00)

What's the sadness, Paul? I mean, they don't. They don't get as much sun.

Andrew Santino (132:04)

What is it? Was that my cross to bear? What is it? How do you say that? What is my cross?

Jake the Snake (132:09)

That's. You got it right. Play week 18.

Andrew Santino (132:12)

Look at you across the bear. What are you gonna do?

Jake the Snake (132:15)

That's my cross. The bear. Well, yeah, Paul, you knew what you were walking into. Opposites attract.

Andrew Santino (132:19)

Sophia, my daughter Sophia goes, my friends love you. They say, oh, Sophia's dad's so nice. And I just look over. It stays, no, my wife. Listen, my wife is great. She's a sweetheart. Just a little colder.

Unknown Speaker (132:36)

Oh, I kind of went from you're excited to have the friends over to no, I just use as a bragging tool for my life.

Andrew Santino (132:44)

They know, dude.

Bill Burr (132:45)

Well, in your married.

Jake the Snake (132:46)

You gotta. Any. Any. Any good review that you get. You know, it's so funny. Your wife pretends like they don't hear it. Do you look at them? You look at them like, see, dude.

Bill Burr (132:57)

I saw a wife.

Jake the Snake (132:58)

You know what I am, Paul? You know what? Oh, now you got me going. You know what I am, Paul? I am. Who I am as a person is the sum of all my faults. Oh, that's how they do it. That's how the math works. I can't get anything in the positive side of the ledger.

Andrew Santino (133:11)

Never.

Jake the Snake (133:12)

Never did.

Andrew Santino (133:15)

It's it's set in stone. The other day I heard. The other day, I heard a wife go like this. Somebody went and gave her husband credit. She goes, don't give him the. Don't do that. Don't give him the credit.

Jake the Snake (133:27)

No. It's psychological warfare, dude. I was smoking a cigar at the buddy of mine. Yeah, he did one that was the west coast version of never did. I was going. Like, I was going off. And then she did it. Then she says that. So I. Blah, blah, blah. And then I do that next to it. I'm, ah. I'm getting all amped up. And he's just sitting there with a cigar, and he just goes, that's how it is. My favorite thing ever. He didn't even debate it. He didn't debate it. There's no solutions. He. It just. That's how it is, dude.

Andrew Santino (134:08)

I had.

Jake the Snake (134:08)

That's how it is. It actually made me feel better. It's like I'm yelling about something that just is.

Andrew Santino (134:15)

I had a. I had a friend back in the day. We lost a little touch or whatever, but his dad was so incredible. Like, his dad was just, you want to talk about? Filter off. And his dad would say things that were so abrasive. And you would even be like, whoa. And, like, one time we're in the kitchen, and I was like, yeah, she doesn't care. And he just goes, oh. Like, it was so. No, of course not.

Jake the Snake (134:43)

Oh, no, they don't. They don't. They don't.

Andrew Santino (134:49)

They don't, man. They don't.

Jake the Snake (134:51)

I was joking with my wife going, this is how you compliment me or say something nice? You go, I do love you. I do respect you. Like, it doesn't. I do care. And, like, it all has to be like, you don't give a. Yes, I do. It's like, well, why don't you just say it every once in a while?

Andrew Santino (135:15)

No.

Jake the Snake (135:16)

Whatever. Paul. Let's get to what we're good at, the Monday Night Special.

Andrew Santino (135:21)

Because anything positive for them. This is because anything. Anything positive for us, they take as like, it's a. It's a slight on them. Like, they don't. It's on.

Bill Burr (135:31)

It's.

Jake the Snake (135:31)

It's sick. No, they're worried that you're going to feel good about yourself, which will make you attractive to another female, and then they will lose you. They don't even know they're doing it. So they psychologically got to keep you down the whole time you're in it. It's fucking unbelievable. But then meanwhile. Oh, Christ, I spilled another glass of water. This day's gonna suck. I. No. And then you gotta sit there and constantly tell them that they look good in whatever dumb they just bought. I mean, it's not. How awkward a question is that? What do you think of this? Do you think this looks?

Andrew Santino (136:11)

Oh, dude, the other day. I'm not gonna lie. The other day, Stacy had one boot on her left foot and a different one on her right. And I go, both of those are bad. And she goes, you're right. She goes, you're right. She put on nice ones.

Bill Burr (136:29)

But she does it to me.

Jake the Snake (136:30)

You. You are dressed like a guy who gets traded for a player to be named later. Oh, that's a lot of water. All right. All right, let's do the Monday Night Special so I can clean up this mess over here.

Andrew Santino (136:46)

All right, so Bill likes the Vikes. I like the Lions. It's minus three.

Bill Burr (136:51)

Let's do this.

Andrew Santino (136:52)

Let's do golf.

Jake the Snake (136:55)

Do what you want to do. Don't listen to me. I'm the housewife on the show. No, let's do Donald.

Andrew Santino (136:59)

Let's do Darnold to throw one for the Vikes. Let's do Goff to throw one for the Lions.

Bill Burr (137:05)

It's going to be a shootout.

Andrew Santino (137:06)

What's the under?

Jake the Snake (137:07)

Over? 48, 47, 46, 56. Whoa.

Unknown Speaker (137:18)

Really? That's insane.

Andrew Santino (137:20)

What?

Jake the Snake (137:21)

Dude, is this. Is this not the modern NFL to put up?

Andrew Santino (137:25)

Bill, you just called it. You just said shootout. But.

Jake the Snake (137:28)

And then both of these teams are super bowl favorites, and they can't keep the number collectively, the two of them under 56. Having said that, one of the greatest of all time, the Cowboys, the second time, versus the Steelers. That was like a 35, 33 affair or whatever. I mean, they went over 60 points. So, like usual, Paul, I don't really know what I'm talking about. All right, so I like both stock quarterbacks. I like the under to throw a touchdown, and Paul likes the under, which I never like.

Andrew Santino (137:59)

You like the under? Usually.

Bill Burr (138:01)

I don't know what the other.

Andrew Santino (138:02)

You like the over. All right, let's go over. You want to root for points?

Jake the Snake (138:06)

I don't want. I. 56. I don't want to.

Bill Burr (138:08)

I don't even want to look at that number.

Paul Verzi (138:10)

I hate that number.

Andrew Santino (138:13)

That's each team scoring 56. Is each team scoring 28 points? Yeah, dude, that's eight touchdowns total. Dude, they ain't doing that. All right.

Jake the Snake (138:26)

Hey, Paul, you got the magic touch. You got the touch. You got the power.

Andrew Santino (138:32)

I say we take the under golf to throw one. Darnold to throw one.

Jake the Snake (138:39)

He beat the book. He's having fun. He's a winner.

Andrew Santino (138:48)

And then we got wild car weekend next week. You guys cool with that?

Bill Burr (138:52)

Yeah, yeah.

Jake the Snake (138:53)

100.

Andrew Santino (138:54)

All right, so our final special will be Golf to throw one. Sam Darnold to throw one. And under 56 points for the game. Last game of the regular season to to be top in the nfc. It's going to be a great one. Thank you guys so much for watching week 18. We'll be back next week with wild card weekend. Download the app, use our code. B U R R. That's Burr. You put ten dollars in, you get. If the bet loses, you get fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets. First touchdown is a player prop bet. If the player gets the first touchdown, you'll win any game. If you don't and they get the second, you'll get your cash back. There you go. We'll be back next.

Jake the Snake (139:32)

But they coddle this generation anymore. You get your money back. Paul, when the was that back in the day betting for the book?

Andrew Santino (139:39)

Yeah.

Jake the Snake (139:39)

Yeah. Hey, tell that two point conversion you get your money back. You get a do over Imagine to touch.

Andrew Santino (139:48)

Imagine you went to Al Capone in Chicago back in the day. No, Al, they said they're gonna give me my money back.

Jake the Snake (139:54)

He would be like that guy in the Richard Pryor bit. Yeah. What?

Andrew Santino (139:59)

He said he won the money back.

Jake the Snake (140:04)

Hey, it's his stick up.

Andrew Santino (140:09)

What a great fit. All right, everybody. There you go. Week 18. Regular season is over.

Bill Burr (140:13)

We did it again.

Andrew Santino (140:13)

We'll talk to you you guys, next week.

Jake the Snake (140:15)

Paul did it again. Oops, he did it again. So did Andrew. Well, the show collectively.

Andrew Santino (140:21)

The show collectively made money.

Jake the Snake (140:23)

Come on, guys, I'm the weak link in the show. I don't like this angle. Look, we have man boobs. Oh, now I'm dreamy. You got to hold it up right there. You go to the ladies at the. What is that stupid yoga place they shop? Lululemon. Yeah, let's go to get some coffees and go to Lululemon. Talk about keeping our husbands down. You know we gotta get more female listeners on this podcast.

Andrew Santino (140:55)

No, they listen. They like it.

Paul Verzi (140:56)

You know how we can get less.

Jake the Snake (140:57)

Is if we start covering the wnba.

Paul Verzi (140:59)

We'Ll probably get less.

Jake the Snake (141:01)

Oh, shots fired from Athens, Greece. Dude, them asking for the same amount of money with zero ratings in half filled stadiums is got to be the epitome of female behavior.

Unknown Speaker (141:19)

Did you see Kaylin Clark got named female of the year times female athlete of the Year.

Bill Burr (141:23)

And.

Unknown Speaker (141:23)

And one of the owners goes, the whole league should have been female of the year or something. Like, how are they hating on her like that? It's ridiculous.

Jake the Snake (141:32)

They're also Jews in her to try to promote the whole league. I don't. Look, I don't mind the WNBA fight a badge. I would be watching, but, you know, I don't. So, you know.

Andrew Santino (141:42)

Dude, just lower the rim. They can't do it. It's just.

Paul Verzi (141:46)

They can't do it.

Jake the Snake (141:47)

No, they're gonna be fine, Paul. They're gonna be good. Look at. Look. Look at the UFC. Some of the best fights over the last 12 years have been the women. And I remember when they first came in, I was like, I don't want to watch this shit. And then I saw like, oh, my God, they're amazing. They're gonna get better at it, Paul. They just haven't been hooping. They've been basketball players, dude.

Bill Burr (142:04)

Now they're playing hoop.

Jake the Snake (142:05)

You got to get a chance to catch up. But the women got to go out and support them. And they're not going to do it, Paul, because they don't want to build something. They want to wait till we build it, and then they show how is it good for us? That's what it is.

Andrew Santino (142:18)

Here's what I think they do. You have a WNBA all Star weekend women's dunk contest. You lower the hoop to eight feet, and you just have these ponytail chicks cocking backy yoking it on people. They'd be nuts.

Jake the Snake (142:31)

But if the dunks aren't good, Paul. Yeah, I would definitely see what they can do first.

Andrew Santino (142:38)

That's true. That's true.

Paul Verzi (142:40)

In seventh grade and gym class, I.

Jake the Snake (142:42)

Had a crush on this girl. And I remember they started doing layup, and I thought it looked awkward, and I was just like, man, not anymore. Yeah, because subconsciously you're like, I don't want to put my seed in that, because I want my kid. I want my kid to run like that. I was all about procreation in the seventh grade. Like, yeah.

Bill Burr (143:01)

Oh, by the way, did you guys see.

Jake the Snake (143:03)

Always been looking down the road.

Andrew Santino (143:05)

Did you guys see Kenny Pickett do the thing where he held the football and it looked like it weighed him down and he just fell forward? So I said, I go. I go, this is the white. Like, I go, I go, only a white guy can manage to do this. And somebody goes, hey, Paul, why not, like, stop with the racist stuff with.

Jake the Snake (143:23)

White athletes and everything?

Andrew Santino (143:24)

And I'm going, dude, the one white guy who dunked and he held it on and his body flipped over. Daniel Jones tripping over his own feet. Kenny Pickett, Cockybaker falling.

Jake the Snake (143:34)

Do you know what the black guy version of that is? Fake intercepting the ball, faking out everybody on the field, and then dropping it at the half yard line. That's the only time black athletes act like white guys.

Andrew Santino (143:46)

That's perfect. All right.

Jake the Snake (143:47)

All right, that's it, dude. I gotta go to the. I gotta go to the gym.

Andrew Santino (143:52)

See you guys after, man. Enjoy football. I'll talk to you guys soon.

Jake the Snake (143:55)

All right. Congratulations again on a great season. To all of you. Thank you for letting me hang around with you guys. All right, I'll see you.