Bill Burr (26:03)
So I don't know what else, what else I got. Oh, so my surprise party last night, it just was, it was such a great thing and my wife absolutely crushed it, as she always does. And it was this great after party down at the bike shed in, in la. If you've never been there, there's one there and there's one in London and all they show is motorcycle racing there and a bunch of motorcycles are there. They have motorcycles on display. There's a barber shop there. There's a place, you know, you can actually buy all this stuff if you ride and all. It's just amazing food. It's just an incredible place. And I had been, you know, went down there a couple times and I actually did a gig down there one time for the LAPD and sort of their function room, which was a really funny gig because like I was doing the gig for all the cops and everyone was enjoying. And then there was this one woman in the front who was, you know, I think just classy, went to church every week and was not appreciating what I was saying. But she, I, I, you know, I was like, you're a cop. I know you know your rights. You have the ability to leave if you want to. And she just decided to stay there and look at me like a disappointed mother. The entire set was still a good time, but my brain definitely went back to that when I went in there, I'm like, oh, man. But it was just such a, it was such a great night. It was kind of what I needed. And that's why I love my wife, why I married her. She knew I was like really sad and depressed about leaving my family and friends and all that. So she gave me a nice big send off. Yeah, it was, I, it was definitely needed. So if you're listening and you were there, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming out. All right. And with that, we've come to the end of the podcast here. The bar has gone even lower that now if you just don't see Heil today, I think you had a. I think he had a good day. Anyway, what else? What else? I think that is it. I. I got some work to do. I gotta keep trying to get off book with this thing. Next time I talk to you guys, I will be in New York City and I'll be getting ready for this next amazing experience in in this business. So that's it. Enjoy the the music picked out by Andrew Themlas, another one of my great friends in life. And we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast afterward. Have a great weekend. You can't. And I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 30 2, 2017. What's going on? How are ya? As you can tell by my little slightly more relaxed tone, my kid's asleep downstairs. So I can't scream, I can't yell, I can't rant, rave. Oh, I can do those things but I have to do it in a controlled manner. That's what I have to do, you know, because the dynamics of the house changed a little bit and I know what you're thinking. So Bill, does that mean the dynamics of your podcast is going to change a little bit? Yeah, just a little bit. But nothing crazy, you know, like listen to me right now. You would have no idea that right before I got on this podcast I just meditated. I meditated for 10 minutes. I shut it down. Let's focus on the sounds in the room. Now gently let those go away and focus on your breathing. I did that 10 minutes. I guess it's helping me out, you know, I had one, one meltdown this week. I was trying to figure out how to put the fucking car seat into the car. And I swear to God, dude, like the level, the level that they have over designed those things is insane. I swear to God, I hope auto racing. They should put those fucking drivers in car seats then nothing would ever happen to them. I couldn't figure out how to get this effing thing in there and I. Did I just say effing? Yeah, I'm trying to learn how to ah, the kids influence. It's coming in. I've been cracking NIA up by doing that going hey, quit talking s and just you know, abbreviating curses. And to her it's hilarious because all she's ever heard me do is just, you know, curse my brains out. And I was making her laugh last night. Because we were laying in bed when we were watching Wheel of Fortune with a beautiful baby between us. And I was just doing what I always do. I was trashing all the contestants and all and everything on there at. You know, I gotta say about the Wheel of Fortune, man. They're fucking some stingy cunts on that show. Whenever it comes down to the thing, whoever the one of the three that won when they go over and then you try to win some big money to get in for one big hit for like 50 or 60 grand. Those puzzles, they're practically impossible. And the clues throw you off. They had one, they said a phrase. They go, this is a phrase. We'll give you these letters. And of course, you know, none of them show up, right? Then you pick some, and a few of those show up. This was the phrase. Our first voyage. That's a phrase. I mean, technically it's a phrase, but if you're going to say it's a phrase, there should be something like. Like, to me, a phrase. It's somewhere between, you know, an expression and, you know, just some random. Right? That's a phrase. Does that make any sense? Like an expression. Hey, you know, fucking stitching time saves nine. Is that an expression? Is that a soliloquy? I don't know what that is. Okay? But I know that's not a phrase. That's something else. But I don't know what that is. But a phrase is something common. Hey, check please. You know, don't fucking touch that. I don't know. I can't think of a good one. But you know what I mean. Our first voyage is a phrase. Technically, it's a phrase. Pat Sajak. I never realized. They always fuck the person over. They try to limit the R S's and T's in it because they know everybody's gonna guess those ones. I don't know. And he always pulls the card. Oh, I'm sorry. And they give you, like eight seconds to solve it. You don't get it. And then he always pulls out some ridiculous amount of money. Oh, that was for. Look at me. For 90 grand. Very stingy. But what do you expect? Because I remember back in the day, they always. They had the shittiest prizes on that show. It's almost like they didn't want you to be happy when you left. So as much as I'm enjoying that show, I don't know, I'm starting to getting ready to move on to a new game show. Jesus Christ, am I fucking tired. I don't know how the hell I'm gonna get through this hour. So now I gotta run over. I'm doing Conan O'Brien tonight. Everybody, please tune in to hype my stand up special that comes out tomorrow on Netflix. My fifth one called Walk youk Way Out. I know what you're thinking, Bill. Why'd you call it Walk youk Way Out? Well, if you watch the show, you'll understand. How about that? But if you guys could, you know, social media, the whole thing up, and just let people know to check the thing out, so the dream continues. I would really appreciate it. I'm very proud of this one. I hope you guys like it, too. Had a great time doing it. And we shot at this beautiful venue called the Ryman, which is the original place where they shot the Grand Ole Opry. They had a couple of floorboards left from the original stage. So when you walk on those, those are the same ones that Elvis, Johnny Cash, and, you know, a bunch of other white guys in fucking Mini Pearl walked on. Hank Williams. Hank Williams Jr. Hank Williams Jr. Jr. I told you guys. I got satellite radio finally in my car after all those years of being on it on the Opie and Anthony show way back in the day. XM Satellite radio, way back in the day. I never had it, and I didn't realize how fucking great it is. And I've actually gotten a little bit into country music, but it's that Willie Nelson roadhouse channel. I like the old stuff, the new shit. I just don't fucking. I just don't. I don't get it. I'm not into it at all. There's got to be somebody. There's no fucking way you can have an entire genre of music and not have anybody today doing it. Well, but who knows? So I haven't done shit this week, people. I don't have any jokes. I don't even know what the fuck to talk to you about. I've been watching Celtics and Bruins shooting. I was so tired the other day. My daughter was crying. My wife was holding my daughter, and I walked over with the pacifier to try to quiet the kid, and I literally walked up and tried to put it in my. My. My wife's mouth. She laughed, thinking I was fucking around. And I was like, oh, sorry, sorry. Because when I walked over, she was talking and all I was thinking was, make the noise stop. And I tried to stick it in her mouth. So anyway, so I'm starting to understand why so many parents are so cunty to people who either don't have kids or they're about to have kids and I don't know. They're not nice people. They really aren't. And I'm gonna try not to be that person. I'm not gonna resent someone who doesn't have kids because they have free time that I no longer have. That's such a fucking. I don't know. It's a weird thing, you know, when you have a kid because you get to experience this new level of love, and then you also get to see this other side of people just like, ah, they were just fucking. I don't know. I don't know. I ran to yet another person. Oh, dude, you can have no free time. You can have no free time to fucking do it. I went to a drum lesson Saturday and I went to the NHL All Star game on Sunday. You know, the rest of my time was fucking, you know, dealing with the kid. But I'm still doing shit. You know something? I think a lot of fucking people, they didn't do shit before they had a kid. They don't have a fucking hobby. They don't have anything that they're passionate about. I don't know what it is, but they're miserable cunts. I gotta get away from them. You know, I just had a buddy of mine say, hey, congratulations. I'm thinking about having a kid, you know, next year. I just said, that's great. It's your experience. Don't talk to parents. They're not sane people. Myself included. Just, you know, it's gonna be great. Have a good time. Be nice if people did that, huh? But why would you do that? Why would you do that when you can't get some of your fucking resentment out on a completely innocent person, right? I'm gonna stop bitching about this shit. I think I've made my point. So, anyways, I'm selling more shit. Oh, I'm selling more shit. Everything's on the chopping block. I got that John Bonham drum kit that I have, that 71 Ludwig green sparkle. I'm actually toying with the idea of selling that fucking thing because I. It's just too fucking big for me. It's not comfortable playing it. The cymbals, I don't even like the sound of them. It's not my sound. And I did. I did this stupid fucking thing that every weekend warrior wannabe hobbyist musician does. I'm gonna buy Eddie Van Halen's guitar. Then I'll play like Eddie Van Halen. No, you won't. You'll just be A douche with an Eddie Van Halen guitar. Who isn't Eddie Van Halen. So I made that mistake. So I'm actually thinking about. Actually I toyed with the idea, but then I. I went in and I looked at the drums and they're so beautiful. I don't know if I can fucking do it. But I don't know. I would rather get a drum kit that maybe set up for fucking how I'm built. I swear to God, I played that thing out on the Comedy Jam twice. And to go from the rack Tom to the floor Tom. It's a 26 inch bass drum. It's so you got to take like a taxi to go from the rack or just the way I'm built. So to get to the fucking from the rack to the floor, I always go via the snare just to give me that extra split second just to get over the fucking thing. I don't know how this bottom guy did it, but you know, it's not working for me. So I'm thinking of getting rid of that and, and going out and buy maybe like a Gretch or something like that was like a 22 inch kick instead of a 26 and have a 14 inch floor tom. Instead of having that as a rack Tom. I think that I always like the 14th floor. I know this is some fucking nerdy drum shit, but yeah, I think I want to do that and get him out of the fucking house. I'll fucking find a fucking studio space for like a couple hundred bucks a month and I'll just have a brand new kit because that's the only thing that stops me from setting that thing up. Because it's a vintage kit. I'm like, oh my God, what if somebody steals it? It's irreplaceable. But if I buy a brand new one, brand new Symbols, you get a little bit insurance, you know, 50 bucks a month. I walk in there one day, somebody steals it. Just fucking get another one because they're still making them. I'm trying to get out of that disease of like an old shit. I love old shit. But then you get it and it just becomes this fucking thing when it breaks. Oh my God. How the fuck am I going to try and find the parts for it? Like remember my bodyguard and the big dude from from pile? What is your major malfunction? What the fuck was that called? Full Metal Jacket. Remember that guy, he played the. The dude who protect the kid from meatballs? Anyways, he had a fucking motorcycle. There was some little piece of the carburetor they couldn't fucking find. So, of course, because it's a Hollywood movie, you know, because it's a Hollywood movie, you know, they go into a junkyard and the little nerdy kid finds it, you know, and then that's their little bonding moment. I would tell you guys how much I hate that when I watch TVs and movies. TV. TV shows and movies. I hate the. The fucking convenience of how everything works out. I also, like, two nights ago, I was doing stand up at the Comedy Store, and I was talking shit about being a white dude, you know, because it's funny, because you're not allowed to do it. You know, every other group of people could be, like, proud of their accomplishments, but we can't. White dudes can't because of all the horrific shit that we've done. Wipes out any sort of accomplishment. So jokingly saying, like, you know, we did this, that we went to the moon, and then this woman yells out, hidden figures. Go see hidden figures. I'm just, you know, I cannot stand people that go to see a Hollywood movie and think that they just read a history book. It's. It's just fucking like. And then they think they're informed. It's like, you're not informed. You watched a movie. I told you guys that shit. Do you know that movie Sully? When that thing came out, they wanted to make the copilot an alcoholic just to raise the stakes. And the real guy, who's really alive and still flies, had to, like, threaten to sue or something. Be like, guys, you can't fucking put that out there about me. I'm not an alcoholic. I have a career in commercial aviation. You can't start floating it out to the world that I'm a fucking alcoholic. And then they were like, oh, all right. So that's all I'm saying, okay? I'm not saying that there weren't some people doing some math and all that. Just don't fucking. My only thing about that. This is, myself included, don't fucking come after me when you've never. You never heard of those people. And all you did was go out and go see the fucking movie and start coming to me like you. Like you went to fucking graduate school. So I had fun with that. I probably went too hard. You know, I brought up that guy who fucking, you know, that dude who figured out that when you're out in outer space, that if you perspired, that your. Your sweat would boil and you would literally boil in your own sweat. So that a spacesuit was literally like a giant radiator. Some dude figured out that that would happen. Figured out that that would fucking happen before we even went out there. You know, where's that guy's movie? Huh? Where is his movie? Oh, Jesus Christ. What else? Yes, I went to the NHL All Star Game, three on three. This crazy format. I think, you know, they're going in the right direction because everybody knows that All Star Games are mind numbingly boring. The baseball one's pretty good. Baseball, I would say baseball's the best. All Star Game. The NBA All Star Game, I guess is sort of fun because nobody's going to play D and everybody's going to dunk. So it's a little interesting, but I'd say the baseball one's the best. So the NHL is trying to figure out, you know, a format on how to make theirs competitive and people to give a shit. So they take like all four divisions and I don't, I didn't even understand the format. You played like five minutes, then you played another five minutes and then two other divisions came out. You played five and five, and then the winner of those two then played in the finals. I don't know how the fucking thing worked. Nor did you play two 10 minute periods. I was at the game and I couldn't figure out what was going on. And it was, it was unbelievably quiet when it was in there. They should have played the first five minutes, five on five, and then the next one. You know something? There's no way to make an All Star Game exciting. That's just basically it. Because you know what, they just have too much to lose back. You know, Saab. I bet when the All Star Games were great. Well, back in the day when professional athletes also had like off season day jobs, like you played for the Cleveland Browns from September till the end of December and then the rest of the year you were like pouring concrete like those lunatics, they got in shape by, you know, being the jackhammer guy on a road crew. I bet then, then they had some good games because then there was probably the pride of, like, our conference is better than your conference and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But there's just too much money at stake. But it was still fun to go down there and see all that type of stuff. But this was part of my nerd, you know, fandom thing that I have. I've now been to every All Star game except for the baseball one. So now, of course, with my ocd, I have to. I Don't even know what I'm going for, going to all of these games at this point. But I don't know. You know, what's cool about it is it keeps me going to different places, you know, because at some point I want to go to that. I've been to one golfing major in order to go to all four. The first three are not difficult. Well, the US Open and the PGA are not difficult. You can get fucking ticks. The fucking US Open and golf, I mean, they're just animals, you know, when you watch that golf tournament and you hear those people screaming and yelling, it sounds like the third show at some shit fucking comedy club on a Saturday night. Just a bunch of drunks. And they're not going to police anybody because they want to make their money off selling them booze. The Masters is the hard one because they don't sell tickets. And here's a heads up on that. The first time I did it, you have, you get like these badges that are given to the members and they're not supposed to sell them, but they all do. And everybody kind of looks the other way, right? So then you go to these brokers that have these badges. You pay way too much fucking money for them. Then you show up at somebody's fucking house. This is what happened to me. And the first time I did it, I went with two people and we lucked out and we got the badges. Me and Virgin, we went in 2010. Then a few years later, we went to go again. I brought five fucking people to the same people's house. And they said there was a mix up with the badges. And then the lady who was going to pay us just fucking goes, I'll be right back to go get him. And she just fucking left. And that's the last time we saw her. And then the husband just waited us out on the front yard and. And I was just out the money and they completely fucked us over. And I lost a ton of money, as did a number of other people. And we were talking about trying to remember. We were standing outside the house just waiting for them. The neighbors came walking by going like, oh, do they screw you out of the badges? Yeah, they did that a few years before and, you know, just started having fantasies about burning down their house and all of that type of shit. And then, I don't know, I just kind of let it go. And you know what's funny is every time I let it go, like fully just let it go and just be like, you know what? I did get to go to it. Part of buying scalp tickets is every once in a while you get fucked over. It happened to me at a Ravens game one time. I ended up buying some tickets that were stolen, season tickets, and they kicked me out of the fucking stadium. And then I had to buy another pair of scalp tickets to get back in. I mean, it happens. But what's funny about that, when I get fucked over at the Masters and I bought five of those fucking things, so I was out a lot of money. What was funny about that is every time I go to let it go. Cause I remember saying, the guy said, dude, if you don't give me money back, I'm gonna sue. I'm gonna sue you. And blah, blah, said all this stuff. And then the guy, little Elmer Fudd looking fucking dude, just, you never get your money back. Remember this fucking. This other fucking fat fuck. I was going, well, how much money you got in your pocket from the other ones? Give me that money. And he goes, I ain't giving you that money. Come and get it. Like, to see you try, right? It was like one of those moments, and there was like five of us, and we could all beat the shit out of the guy. But you know what's going to happen? You're going to beat the shit out of him, okay? Then we're not going to get him money. We're going to go to jail. They're going to sue us for assault. There's just no way to win. The only way to win a fight, once you passed, like, high school, once you become an adult, the only way to win a fucking fight is. Is you have no money and you have nothing to lose and you're homeless. That's the only way to win it. Because then you're going to get arrested and you're going to go to jail, and at least now you got a place to stay for the night. You get some meals, you don't have to beg for food. Other than that, you're going to fucking lose. Because I sat there, kept trying to do the math, going, how the fuck, you know, having those violent things, you know, I'm sure there's a fucking tire iron in the car if I smash both these guys over the fucking heads, which I'm not gonna do. I've never done anything even remotely that violent. But you're so fucking mad when you're getting fucked out of money, you start having these fantasies, and just because it makes you feel better of just thinking of caving in the side of their fucking heads, I just kept Trying to do the math on how we would get away, and you just can't do it anymore. You know, back in the day, you could do that. You could jump on your horse and fucking ride away. It was over. You know, it wasn't some minor with a cell phone fucking camera, and your horse had a license plate on its fucking tail. And you were screwed. You were done. You know, somebody following you with the fucking drone. And there was just no way. There was no way to do it other than to just take my loss and then I was gonna quadruple it and God knows what else, you know? And the kind of people that would do to us what they did to us. I was like, what would they do in a court of law if I was actually guilty of doing something to them? You know what I mean? So I let go of it. I said, fuck it. It's a loss. Who gives a shit? We'll make it up. We'll come back at some other time, we'll go, go again. Fuck it. And every time I would go to let go of it, you know, start to let go of it, start to let go of it. Fucking Paul Verze, the half Sicilian part of him, who can never forget anything like that, would call me up and just get me fucking off. He'd get me all riled up again. I'd be like, paul, you got to stop doing. He would sit there calling me up like he's Sammy the Bull if Sammy didn't fucking sell out. And I'm. I'm fucking the other guy there. What is it? The Teflon dawn there almost said Giuliani Gotti, John Gotti. And he would call me up, just telling me what he was gonna do to that guy's house. And of course he didn't do it, and he's not gonna do it. He's married. He's got two kids. But he would call it up, call me up, and I would get me going again. He did this for fucking years now. It's just a joke now. It's just like once a year, he'll call me up and be like, hey, dude, not for nothing, but I thought about this again the other day. I was thinking, not even fucking saying anything to you and just going down there and then just calling you up and being like, hey, Bill, it's done. It's done. And I go, yeah. And right there, right there, you'd call me up, and then you'd say something over the phone. And because it's not illegal now to listen to people's phone calls right there. We would get caught. You have to. What you would have to do, Paul, is you would have to go down and do it, know that you did it, and then not say anything to me, ever. Until one day, maybe we were out to fucking sea in international waters. And then even then, we'd have to go to. Back to the back of the boat when the engines were on. You'd have to put your hand over your fucking mouth like fucking Joe Pesci and De Niro in Casino. And then you could tell me, oh, by the way, I burned down that guy's fucking house. So anyway, I don't even know how the fuck I got onto that story. I don't think I ever told you guys that story because I was so fucking mad about it for years. Oh, I know what I was talking about. I was just talking about going to all these different games. So be. Beware of that if you ever go to the Masters, unless you have a really good hookup. If you're just gonna buy from a regular person, try to keep it at two. Because what happened? Because we were a group of five and they didn't have enough badges. They decided, like, we're gonna have one group fucking pissed at us rather than having, you know, you know, three groups of two fucking pissed off guy. Forget how many we had. It's just like, all right, we're just gonna have. This is one group of people that will bitch. As opposed to having like, oh, yeah, they fucked me over. They fucked my group. They fucked my group. So it was just. Just us complaining. Actually, I think there was one other couple, too. I don't know. I gotta stop talking about because it's gonna get me fucking mad again. Those goddamn cunts. And you never get your money back. Oh, God. Oh, his fucking elbow. Then the other, the fat fuck redneck. This stupid orange shirt. I still remember his big guy. He had this big fucking beer belly. Oh, my God. Oh, the beautiful sound of a bat hitting all that flesh. Oh, that would have been heaven. But you know, that's not what you're supposed to do as an adult. And who's kidding who? I've never done that to anybody. And I would have been like. I would have alligator armed it, and I just would have made him mad. Then he would have smothered me with all that fucking hillbilly fat. And I would have lost. And I would have been out the money. Then I'd be leaving with grass stains all over myself. It would have been horrible. All right. Oh, that's right. Valentine's Day is coming up. I'm so fucking sleepy, dude. My kid last night got up, I started to fall asleep around midnight. She got up at. I get up at 12:57, 1:10, 2o something, 3o something. Then she went to 4:30, which was unbelievable. Just get that extra 30 minutes. Then she went to 6. And for whatever reason she sleeps from like 6:00am to like 9 or like 9:30. And I just know at that 6:00 one that when I change that diaper and I get her all settled down again that I can actually just like. It's. It's fine. That's what the podcast is a little late here, but thank God I'm a stand up comedian. Okay? You people that actually have jobs where you have to fucking get up at 8:30 in the goddamn morning to go dry. I don't know how you just don't nod off in traffic and drive into a fucking guardrail. So my hat's off to you. All right. There we go. Thank Christ. Thank Christ. It's over. It's over. All right, let's get into some of the reads for this week. I might come up a little short for my usual hour, everybody. Cause I got the cars coming at noon and old Billy has not fucking done anything yet. I gotta get ready to do this fucking show. All right. Oh, you know what I didn't bring up? I've been watching, of course, been watching the Celtics and the Bruins and all that. Bruins had a big victory against the Penguins before the all Star break. Granted, Malkin wasn't playing, but it was still. We had played a great game. And after going down 2 nothing if I remember correctly. And then the Celtics have been playing great. Had a big win against the Bucks. Who the fuck did they beat right before that? I watched like every one of them. I really enjoy. I can't believe it. I'm back into NBA hoop. Okay, let me get to. Let's get to some of the reads here for this week. Oh, super bowl celebrations. Dear Billy Bloodhound. Oh, did I ever tell you guys how much I love a bloodhound? The fuck amount of dogs that I fucking love, but I love that dog. You know, they just got that chilling out vibe. Any you gotta love a hound. Cause all you have to do is go bo and they do it with you. That's it. That's all I need. That's all I was looking for this Valentine's Day. Okay, ladies, if you really love your husband or your boyfriend, right, just get him a bloodhound you know, and then you can be as crazy as you want to fucking be. And all he has to do is just every once in a while, be hanging out with his dog when you're not around. You know, he just looks over him, hey, buddy, buddy. And it does it with him, and it just makes you feel good. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. I heard you mention bloodhounds last week. I know you're not looking to get a dog anytime soon, but when you do, definitely consider a bloodhound. They're unbelievably unbelievable with real young kids. I've had two with both my kids. Anyways, my question is, if you ever have been to a Super bowl, they're great with kids. That's good to know. By the way, I keep getting updates with Cleo. She's doing great. She's loving her new family and everything's awesome with her. And I might do a show at some point in the vicinity of the new people that have the dog, just to visit and say hello. I don't know if I should do that or not. I don't know if it'll fuck the dog up or if it'll just make me sad all over again. I don't know what. But I still, you know, what the fuck? I just look at, like, that's one of my kids, and she's gone off to college, and every once in a while, I check in. How about that? Anyways, my question is, have you ever been to a Super bowl or hung around for the week before seeing what all the action is like? My friend asked me if I wanted to go this year, but I'd rather watch it at home. I like to watch sports alone. Loved you on cowherd. Go Pats. All right, here's the deal. I have been to two Super Bowls. I went to the Patriots when we played the Green Bay Packers. Remember that? And Brett Favreau fucking threw that touchdown pass and then took his helmet off and ran, like, half the fucking football field because his agent told him to do that. And give us a big astronaut smile when you do it right. That was cool. Just to be like, the first time you go to a Super bowl, if you're ever lucky enough to go to one, there is that thing that you can't believe you're at, the thing that basically most of the United States is watching that you're there. And I remember going down there. It was. It was in New Orleans, and it was just all the Patriots fans were a bunch of Drunks. And then of course the Wisconsin fans who are the same level of drunks. But there's just something about Wisconsin, like the Midwest. There's a certain level of common decency. Decency. I don't know what it is. I don't know. They just don't go as hard. It's weird. Certain times you see them though, they're more animals than east coast people. But you know, it's an ugly thing. You know, east coast sports fans, we're lunatics. So we're all up there screaming and yelling on one of those balconies, fucking hammered down on Bourbon street, right? And John Kerry walked by and everybody was yelling, John Kerry, John Kerry. What do you think about the pages? Blah, blah, blah. And he just looked up and he had this big phony smile. This is like an act out. You're not going to get it. But you know, you know that stupid, like old school, like, you know, let's go get him. And you like sort of like do the, the. You make a fist, right? And you kind of. You kind of act like you may be throwing a baseball to home plate. You're like, yeah, you kind of do one of those. He did it. He did it like slow motion. He made the fist. He paused and he just went and then kind of threw it like that, really slow. It was so fucking weird. He was so detached from his own body. And I'm convinced now after I saw Bill Clinton do it, that they just know people are taking pictures of them so that they don't even give a fuck about interacting with you. It's all about what you look like in the paper. That was that time I told you. Long story, but I ended up Bill Clinton when he was still president. This is pre getting impeached and all that shit. He came down to Boston and one of my friends wanted to go down, see the motorcade. I didn't want to fucking go. My buddy didn't want to go. He convinces us to fucking go. He's gonna buy lunch. Alright, fine, fuck it, right? So we fucking go down there. He's all excited. He just wants to see the motorcade go by. Cuz he'd watch so much of that JFK shit, you know, he just wanted to see a motorcade. And that's like a big deal to see the presidential motorcade. I can admit that was pretty exciting to see. So they start coming down the street and right before they get to us, we're like, finally, here it comes. He's gonna see the motorcade drive by. Then we can all fucking go home. He can buy his lunch, right? Right before they got to us, they made a right turn to go into this alley right before they got to us, like, you know, probably 50 yards up, like, ah, you gotta be fucking kidding me. And this dude was so into like knowing politics, he was just going like, ah, don't worry, he's just gonna go in there. It's a woman's college. He usually speaks on average from 50 to 65 minutes. I'll go run and get us some, you know, a couple slices of pizza or whatever. So we go, fine. So he fucking takes off. And we're standing there and all of a sudden the Secret Service starts walking down the street telling everybody we're up against those little police, little sawhorse things. Tell us, get your hands up, get your hands up. And the motorcade starts driving. And who's walking down the street? Fucking Bill Clinton with Ted Kennedy and somebody else. Ted Kennedy was first. I think I already told this story, dude. His fucking head, I swear to God was the size of like a fucking safe. I've never seen a head that big in my life. Like, I literally went to like, you had to have both your hands up so the Secret Service could see your hand. And they were just sort of high fiving people as they walked by. I remember when Bill Clinton comes by and Everybody's like, oh, Mr. President, Bill Clinton. And he wasn't saying anything, he just had both his hands up. He was slowly walking and just imagine smiling with your mouth open like, yeah, like you were doing that, but your face was just frozen. He was just walking past all of us doing that, like. And everybody was yelling to him, everybody was saying stuff and he did not say anything to anybody. He just had that fucking look on his face with both his hands up. He looked like a fucking crazy person. But then the next day, the front page of the paper, you see the guy and he's on the front page of paper. Like, it looked like we were all having a great time. I thought there was something wrong with him also. I will tell you right now, dude, the softest fucking hands of any guy ever. Ever. He has not done a fucking day's work of manual labor in his life. Baby soft. Now that I have a daughter, Baby soft fucking hands. That's how he gets the ladies. That's what it is. He puts one of those soft baby hands on your shoulders, takes out a cigar, and it is game, set, match. So anyways, he fucking does this shit, then they jump in the car and then they fucking leave. Everybody's freaking out. And then. Then it's just over. And people just start to walk away and leave. Okay? All of this took less than, like, 38 seconds, okay? Because the Secret Service was not going to have the President exposed to the public for that long. So anyways, he jumps in the car as they leave. Everybody's like, like, high off of, oh, my God, I shook the President's hand. How big was Ted Kennedy's head? That takes about a minute for people to be like, what the fuck? And then people just start walking away. And then, like, 15 seconds after that, my buddy comes walking up, the dude who wanted to see all of it. And he just sees everybody has left. I remember he was biting into a slice of pizza, and he kind of stopped his bite, and. And he just looks over and he goes, I missed it, didn't I? And I just looked at him, and I felt bad. I was like. I shook his hand, and he goes, no, you didn't. And then my buddy was a total pothead, was galloping around sideways, like in a circle, just screaming, I shook it twice. I shook it twice. Oh, that was such a sad, quiet ride home. And we were trying not to fucking laugh. We just started laughing after a while, and he just refused to believe it. But the details we had, he knew that it was fucking true. And then the next day in the paper, he saw. Because he's saying, like, dude, he wasn't saying anything. I'll never forget that. He just was like, without. Like, that's the noise he should have been making. But he wasn't making that noise. He just had his mouth open with his fucking hands up. And the next day in the paper, though, he looked like a champ. The man looked like a champ. All right. Jesus. That was a long way to go. What was I talking about the first time I went to a Super Bowl. Yeah. So we went to it, and Bill Parcells fucked us over that year because that was his whole fucking stupid thing. Like, you want me to cook to dinner, you gotta let me buy the groceries because what's his face. Robert Kraft overruled him and said, you should take Terry Glenn. And fucking Bill Parcell's ego couldn't fucking handle that. Right? And then he. He. He proceeds to tell the team that he's leaving. And then he put his fucking house up for sale before we even played the goddamn game. It's one of the most selfish things if that's true. That's, you know, that's the room of, what the fuck happened then? You know what kills me? He fucking goes to coach. Every place else he goes to coach, who does he bring along with him? Terry Glenn. Unreal, unreal. But whatever, let's plow ahead here. Oh, and then the second time I went, I went to the Patriots versus the Rams and we won that game, obviously. And when it last second and then I was just like, you know what? Every time the Patriots go, I'm going to go to the Super Bowl. So the next time we played, which was either against the Panthers or the Eagles, I can't remember, I think the Panthers, I was going to go, but the next day I had like a 6 or 7am call time to do that Chappelle show sketch, World Series of Dice. That's the first time I met Charlie Murphy and all those guys. And so there was no way I could go. And I was, you know, I was all upset, like, oh man, I'm gonna miss the game and blah, blah, blah. But I gotta tell you, that Sunday night when the game was over and the Patriots won, you know, and I was sitting on my futon and my fucking poor excuse for a one bedroom in New York City. I remember when the game was over, I watched it with a couple of friends and they were leaving, the game was over and I still had like two grand in my pocket. Because that's basically back then, what you were looking at dropping like for the. You could get tickets, be like 1500 bucks, plus the hotel and all the travel and everything was gonna be another 500 bucks. The end of the game when I still had two grand in my pocket, I was just like, yeah, you know what, this is better. I went, I saw him lose. I know what that feels like. I went, I saw him win. I saw him win their first one in the last play. It's never going to get better than that. I'll go again someday when I have a kid, so someday. My daughter, if she wants to go, I'll take her. But if you've never been, I would definitely go. It's worth going one time. But, you know, I was kind of all set back. This is back when I still just had the regular square tv. Forget about the flat screen now with the surround sound and all that shit. I don't know. Plus, I don't know, I just like watching the game rather than, you know, I don't like everybody, all that shit talking when your team loses or if you win, watching your fans talking shit to other people. It's just like we didn't have anything to fucking do. It do with it, right. We either got lucky or we got fucked. What are you gonna do? All right. Paranoia or legit worry? Okay. Hey. Hey. Bill Burlacheck, Congratulations on your new baby. Huge fan of the podcast. I'm a 30 year old naturalized citizen who immigrated from South Korea when I was 10. As an immigrant and now a proud American, I'm writing to you in regards to the current state of messy affairs going on at the White House. Why do you guys ask me this shit? You know, I'm just a comedian. I'm going to solve this problem. Do you still think that Hill Dog would have been just as bad as our current president? With Trump's reaction, I'm not so sure anymore. Hillary might have been corrupt, as you mentioned in your previous podcast, but I believe she would not have taken such a radical, brash action based on intolerance and hatred. Not to that level. But they're going to keep the wars going. You haven't noticed? Like Obama said he was going to end the wars, he was going to shut down Guantanamo. None of them did it. They're not going to do it. I can't get into this type of shit. Look, if you believe that this government, the governments act on what is right for people, you know, rather than money, everybody, everybody past a certain level moves on money. That's it. Same thing in my business, okay? Why don't they make better movies because they want to make money. Why there's so many cliches, why there's so many shitty ones. It's the same fucking thing. Do I think Hillary would do something like that? No, I do not. I don't think that she would do something like that. Would she do a bunch of other evil things? My point in all of that shit, okay, when and the amount of shit that Trump got during the election about being evil and a horrible fucking person, I never disputed any of that. But everybody was acting like Hillary was a good person. I say that she wasn't. And I was trying to get people to look at other options, which nobody's gonna do, cuz they just go, well that's a waste of a vote because you're not gonna win anyway. So my thing with American voters is you get exactly what you fucking deserve if you don't have the balls to not fucking to do not vote for the representative, the Republican and the Democrats who've been fucking you over since the day you've been born, and try to get outside of this and try to pick somebody from a different fucking party that actually wants to Call out bankers and calls out corporate corruption and deregulation and pharmaceutical companies and fucking genetically altered food. All of that shit that never gets fucking brought up with the fucking. The two guys who are, you know, the man and the woman are the two guys usually that are in the fucking. The showdown between the Republican and Democrat. You get what you fucking deserve. So this whole fucking thing now, because Trump's such a colossal fuck up, which everybody already knew. Okay for you now to look at Hillary being like, well, you know, it's like you're looking at two serial killers and Hillary buries the bodies, you know, fucking under her house and Trump leaves them out in the fucking street. Therefore, you'd rather have Hillary. I mean, if that's. I don't know. But I can honestly tell you, you know, just my own feelings, that she's not a good person, Trump is not a good person. They're two horribly selfish fucking people. And I think a lot of people got caught up in the fact that with Hillary's fucking genitalia and the whole thought of, oh my God, if there's a woman president, what does that mean for fucking women? It's just like every president in my lifetime has been a guy. What does that meant for me as a guy? Nothing. It doesn't mean anything. Like, that's like that disease in my business. When you're a struggling artist and then all of a sudden you get a manager and agent, you start thinking, when I can put my feet up, I don't have to work anymore. Yeah, you do. You're always gonna have to work. You know why? Because nobody gives a fuck about you. And I hate to be so fucking bleak, but it's the truth. Nobody gives a shit. What Trump is doing is fucking horrible. It's not surprising. It isn't. In a weird way, it's actually causing a bunch of people to rally and push basic against him. He's so fucking radical that I don't think he's going to survive. He's going to do a bunch of fucked up shit to like the midterm elections and he's going to be so fucking out of hand that people are just going to run all the way to the other side of the boat. That's what always happens the same way after eight years of Bush. Oh, let's all now, let's all run over to the guys with the blue ties and the blue bras and you still get fucked. And then everybody runs over to the other side. So whatever. I'm trying not to be preachy. Here. But you kind of get what you deserve. If you're going to go through the insanity of continuing to vote for whoever the Democrats or the Republicans are going to give you at that level, and you're not going to have. You're not going to start at least voting for these other people to encourage more people to run outside of those two fucking parties. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. All right, I'm done ranting here. Anyways, he said, I remember on Conan, you said, everything will be the same under Trump. I really hope to God that you are right, dude. You know something? I'm getting so much shit for that Conan thing. You know something? Next time there's an election like that, you go on the day after the fucking thing and try to find some sort of a fucking angle, you know, like it's my fault the day after the election that I say that Trump gets in. Okay, Everything has been the same under Trump for a guy like me and for most fucking people, if you're Muslim, yeah, you're fucked. That absolutely fucking changed. Okay? But they were not showing those people. They were showing a bunch of white women crying. That's what the fuck they were showing, you know? And then they go, oh, the fucking Planned Parenthood and all of that type of shit. I mean, I don't. I don't fucking know. I mean, what. Like, I think people fucking hate Trump, and for whatever reason, they want to yell at a comedian. So continue to yell at me. You know, I told you they were both pieces of shit. But, you know, after the election, I don't know, I just thought a lot of the screaming and yelling and fucking crying was. Was a little much. It was a little fucking much. I understand you're disappointing, but crying, it's just. Was so fucking pathetic. All right? You don't like the guy, do what the fuck you can to fight back against him. You don't just fucking break down crying like somebody took your toy away. I don't know, maybe I'm too fucking, I don't know, cynical. But I've gotten so many tweets, you really don't think you're gonna fucking. Dude, shit changed when Obama came in. But did it really fucking change? You know what I mean? Because I guess for me, actually, true change would. They would tell me, where exactly do my federal income taxes go? Where does that go? If it goes to the fucking irs and they are not. They are a private corporation of bankers. They are not connected to the government. Where does that fucking money go? Do the people at the upper echelon of the fucking Federal Reserve, do they actually even bother paying taxes considering they're paying themselves? There's a nationwide heroin epidemic that people are saying was created by the pharmaceutical companies was not even fucking brought up. They genetically altered our food, which is evidently so fucked up they got to try to force other countries to do it. And they're fighting back against them because they don't want it. And evidently it's so fucked up that these people, they don't even want to be forced to label food as genetically altered because they know people aren't gonna buy it. There's all of that shit. All of that shit not only did not change under a president with a blue fucking tie, it continued to get worse. So now when a guy like Trump does something so, so obvious, now everybody's, oh my God, this guy's out of his fucking mind. Like this last guy. I mean, I'm not saying Obama's a bad fucking guy, but like, wasn't he just continuing on with the fucking warmongering and all of that shit? Am I out of my mind? Maybe I'm out of my mind. I don't know. He said, I don't know, Bill. Maybe I'm paranoid, overreacting, just like those crazy liberal fucks out there. But I really do feel worried. It's one of those gut feelings that simmered deep down into your soul. I mean, come on, even Gorbachev just said the world is preparing for war. Yeah, absolutely. But I don't think that's because of Donald Trump. I just think he's yet another guy. And if they say the world, the world is not Donald Trump, it's a bunch of fucking people. You know what it really is, I don't give in to fucking hissy fits. You don't think. Clearly, if you're breaking down crying and just screaming that the fucking sky is falling, then you're not going to make any rational decisions. There's a bunch of groups that are going to help out those peoples at the airport that you can give money to, you can do shit like that. You can give money to them and you can pray to God that they're actually going to use it on them and not use expense accounts and go out and buy themselves a fucking Corvette. So I don't have any answers. But I will say this to people, you got to stop looking. You know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what it is about stand up comedians, but we, for some Reason are get our feet held to the fire more so than people who are actually in the governmental positions. You know, you want to get mad at me because of what the fuck I said on the day after the fucking election on Conan, by all means, do that. But, you know, I bet there was. How many of those fucking women at that women's fucking rally? How many of them you think actually voted? You know what I mean? All of this fucking outrage. Where were you on election day? I mean, there's been people. There's been people who got busted bitching about Trump. They didn't even fucking vote, you know, but whatever. Give me shit because I joked around when it was like a fucking funeral out here in Hollywood. I was just trying to calm people down. You see a bunch of adults crying on television. Yeah. It's unsettling. This is what I think is going to happen. I think this guy is going to go fucking sideways, and then he's going to go so sideways. The midterm elections, what's going to happen is it's just going to get a bunch of fucking Democrats in there to maybe level this guy out. But in the meantime, they'll keep deregulating the banks and all of that other shit. And in the end of the day, guys like Trump will be able to build a golf course and a fucking pipeline under and over any Native American land that they want to. That's what the fuck they want to do. They're so rich, they find the government to be a nuisance. That's what the fuck you're dealing with. And I don't know. That's what I think. All right, so there you go. And once again, I don't read or pay attention, so fuck off and God bless the United States of America. All right. Advice from a new fellow. Dad. Hey, Billy boy. Congrats to you and the lovely Nia on the new baby. My wife and I welcomed our first son about five weeks ago. People would try to give you too much advice early on, but I've discovered the only secret you need to know about babies is that snaps suck and zippers rule. Babies shit all damn day, so you're taking onesies on and off all day. You don't need the added frustration of fumbling with dozens of snaps to get onesies. So get onesies with zippers, and that's all you really need to know. Congrats and go again and go fuck yourself. That's a great one. That's actually great. I'm going to use that because I dealt with snaps all last night. All right, Selfish girl. Friend advice. Hey, Bill, you're gruff. Hey, Bill, you gruff, Ginger Bollocks. I love the podcast. Brutally honest. It's great. You're like. Anyway, I got a girl who most of the time is great. She's really hot, really smart, really fun. They always start this way, but every so often she just seems totally fucking selfish. Most of the time, I totally admire her. Admire her? Ethics slash, morals. Important, right? Yeah. So she's human. Most of the time, she's cool. And every once in a while, she's got this thing you don't like. Well, we celebrated our third anniversary yesterday, by the way. I'm 28, she's 27. We went out to a sushi restaurant for a bit of a celebration. It gets time to pay the bill, and I say I'll pay in cash if she transfers me her half. Oh, God, dude. He goes. From that moment on, the night was all silent treatment till we started arguing. Then it went back to silence till we went to sleep. Yeah, because that's that weird thing where it's like you're celebrating your anniversary, but for some reason you have to pay. Yeah, that's where all the feminism goes out the fucking window right there. That's always a great sleep when there's an unresolved issue. I'm not even a big believer in the guy just paying. I'm not a big believer in the guy just paying the bill, but okay, on special occasions, it's done. It's the done thing, so I'll go along with it. But I didn't this time because the week before, my laptop fucked up and I had to sacrifice my tv, my camera stuff, and media center stuff. I love to make enough cash to get a decent replacement so I can work. Keep applying for new jobs. Also, I've been between jobs and money's a bit tight right now. In short, it's not been a great week. You'd think she'd be a bit understanding about it, given the circumstances, but no. Hey, you're making all decent points here. Anyways, we had a fight about it, went quiet again, then we did what we do sometimes and just let it go, rather than either of us having to apologize. Oh, that's not good. She says the argument was me not treating her like a lady. I see. This is this fucking. I don't know. This is this thing. You can't win as a guy, you know, they want to be treated just like a guy when it's something good is at stake. But when a Bill comes like I'm a lady. I say it was about. It was not about me paying for everything. Up till the bill, we were having a great time. I was psyched about a callback for a great job I'd gotten earlier. She was psyched for me. Then she throws a fucking moody like a fucking infant whose toys been taken away because I want to split the bill. I don't know, maybe I'm insane. My friend says it was a schoolboy era. I don't think we're kids in a bit. And a bit of grown up consideration called for this situation. But anyways, have at me. If I'm being a moron, give me both barrels, dude, all of this shit that you said to me, you need to say to her. I mean, minus the fucks and some of the other stuff calling her a child. I wouldn't do any of that. But you know, your relationship is going to be a lot easier if you start communicating. So maybe you could have preface it with hey, you know, I know we're celebrating our anniversary. I know I'm supposed to pay as a guy, but I'm kind of tight. Can you blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know, I don't know. I just, I don't, I don't get all of that shit where why the guy has to pay. It's your relationship and the woman never pays. You know, if you notice all the advertising, hey, Valentine's Day is coming up. It's all about what the guy has to get the woman. That's something you don't hear at the fucking Woman's March. Just basically how the male female relationship is set up is that the guy should just be constantly showering her with money and gifts because she had the decency to, you know, spend her time with you. It's like her time has value, yours does not. You know, I don't get it. It's like, hey, I could be fucking doing other things too rather than listen to you talking about your day. Same as you got to listen to me. It's not how it works. Anyway, Cigar recommendation. Hey there, freckle tits. I have been sober and more importantly, off to cigarettes for over a month now. Congratulations. To celebrate this, I decided to treat myself to a nice cigar while I watch your new stand up Special on the 31st. Any recommendations on a good smoke? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, if you're off cigarettes, I don't know why you'd smoke a cigar, but if you're going to and you don't have access to a Cuban cigar. I like those. The Aurora Emeralds. And I like this. The Davidoff Nicaraguan that Verzi turned me onto. And the Casa Magna, the. The Torpedo ones. Got the two bands. I forget which one it's called. I like those ones. But I kind of quit smoking, to be honest with you. I think I'm done with it. I may have the occasional cigar, but, you know, now that I'm getting life insurance, and it's just like, all right, I gotta get this nicotine out of my system so I can pass the test and everything. When I saw the difference in rates, just even being a passive smoker, I was just like, wow, they obviously know that this means this shit's gonna fucking kill you. So I was kind of like, who am I fooling here? If I just clean myself up? So I think I'm kind of done. Like, I'll smoke a cigar. I don't know. I'll smoke a cigar where you're supposed to. Where it's an actual moment, you know, as opposed to just being like, oh, man, I always smoke cigars, and now I'm kind of feeling that itch to smoke one. So I'll smoke one. But anyways, I gotta get running here. I gotta go do Conan. I'll say some more, probably about politics, and then you guys can give me, like, I'm the one running things. I told you a long time ago, I don't read. That's it. Go yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Bye.
