Bill Burr (0:01)

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Checking in on you. You know what? You guys have been checking in on me and a lot of my friends back east have been checking in on. How you doing? You alright? Are you safe? You know, and you know what that means when people check in on you and ask if you're all right, if you're safe, one, that means that they're concerned about you and your safety and they care about you. And then more importantly, they want some gossip. Like, what have you seen? I know there's the news reports, but you're out there. Can I get some more? Something a little more juicy? So I know something that my friends don't because I have a friend out there, he's one canyon over and he said he saw a crazy, crazy homeless person on a parasail shooting fl. Listen to this. Shooting flames into a dog park. I think there's video on the Internet. I'm not sure, but that's what he was saying, dude. They. Somebody said they saw a guy in a Dodge Power Wagon with the Trump hat on throwing lit cigarettes out his cab on either side. I will say the frequency and where the fires were lit. It did start to seem like, all right, like, what's going on here, man? Is this. Is this being done by somebody? And then they show somebody goes, yeah, there was. There was a guy doing it. A guy. There was a guy that was doing it. Some guy did all of that. And then they show some crazy homeless guy in like a fucking, you know, residential area lighting like a fucking dumpster on fire. It's like, so you're telling me that fucking homeless guy somehow went with no car, no money, somehow went to the Palisades and then out to Pasadena and then to Laurel Canyon or Runyon Canyon? Is that what you're telling me? Is that what you figured out there on the Internet? We had to evacuate. Like, most people got a little scary. It was one of those deals that if it jumped a canyon, it would be like, all right, well, there goes all of my stuff. And I was just like, you know what? It's stuff. What are you gonna do? This is. You know what. You know what a fire is? It's your opportunity to start your mortgage over again and build your dream house. That's. That's what it is. I mean, the good thing is that, you know, I think where a lot of it happened was, you know, People do have money and they have insurance, hopefully. But you know, it's going to be funny is if one of them is an insurance CEO that made a bunch of money by denying fucking claims and then does his claim get denied or they fucking push that through? I have no idea. I can't tell you this, that I don't know if this is being talked about, but the level that the firemen and the DWP have been working through all of this, like we lost our power and you know, they were on it like, I mean, only lost it for like 24 hours and they were just clearing trees and getting it, getting it back up as the wind is still blowing. And as much as, you know, because the winds were so high, the firemen couldn't contain, they. They were fighting it from becoming, you know, like a, like a summer blockbuster Hollywood movie, you know. So anyway, the majority of us out here are pretty much just dealing with really poor air quality, thank God. But hats off to everyone fighting these fires and getting the electricity going again because I got me, they're fucking crushing it. And you know, I'm not from here and. But I've lived out here long enough that I stick up for la. LA gets a ton of shit and most of it is from non people, not from la, talking shit, holding an award at some Hollywood award thing. And people think that that's, you know, what LA is and you know, a lot of lunatics move out here from other states and then somehow it gets attributed with California. It's not California. It's an amazing place and it's also a really tough city. There's this whole thing where I come from, the east coast, everybody's such a flake out there and they're fucking soft and blah, blah, blah. I got me honest with you, the amount of east coast people I see that move out here and can't hack and they fucking move back with their tail between their legs and then they just, you know, to appease their ego, they say the people were too phony, they're too fucking plastic. It's like, okay, people are phony and plastic everywhere and they fucking lie. It's just done in a different vibe, you know what I mean? Just enough already. You got homesick and you couldn't fucking hack it out here. And people think this, everybody out here is soft. It's like earthquakes, fires, mudslides. I mean, it's funny, they say that L. A is soft. And then whenever people around the country see our weather, they start quoting the Bible and like the End of the Bible too, like Revelations and shit. So. But anyway, but mostly people have been like positive or whatever. And by the way, you know, this is something I have a fucking problem with, is that that fucking cunt that owns Facebook and owns Instagram, it's like the fact that, that there's bots on those things just for the sole purpose to get people into arguments so they'll interact with the app. That's another one of those things where I just look at that. That's low level fucking treason to just be going around trolling people at that fucking level. Because most of it is like political. Like there's been like people like attributing somehow this fire has been like politicized by like a small group of people. And then I watch all of these people jump on the thread and start like fucking, you know, arguing with this fucking robot that then becomes another person on the other side of the political coin. Like, I just don't understand, like why, why are these fucking nerds not called out for what it is that they're doing and how much they're exploiting people and just, they just write one fluff piece after another about the Twitter guy, the Facebook guy, these streaming service people, they don't look at him, at how fucking heartless they really are and how they're making their money and that type of shit. They just act like they're, oh, they're visionaries like Steve Jobs. The way they ball wash that guy his entire fucking life, like he actually knew how to do magic, was just fucking mind blowing. You know, it's like, I don't know, like they just completely ignore those people's hands in the environmental disasters that are happening now and are and are continuing on. These fucking corporations and how heartless they are. How corporations would rather pay a fine cuz it's cheaper than actually trying to do something where they're not destroying the fucking environment. That's like with Apple, like the fact that the new phone never fits the old charger. And then they align themselves with like Gandhi. Like they're these nice people. It's like, you're not, you're fucking reptilian. All right, I'm off my soapbox. But having said that, yeah, it got a little scary. Was kind of closing in on both sides there for a second and you know, jump a road here or a canyon there. So I just kind of mentally let go of everything in my house. I'm like, this is all replaceable. What am I going to do? The pictures was the thing you Know what I did buy is I have baby books that I. And quotes from my kids. I grabbed those and I just grabbed some clothes and shit like that. And I was just like, all right, well, we'll see. We will see. We'll see what happens. And I deliberately went the long way around because I didn't want my kids to see the fire, especially at night. I knew that was going to be terrifying for them to see. But I will tell you this. Under rated is the light you get for photos during the day when there's. That level of. Fires are amazing. I was taking some pictures of my wife. She was standing next to this vintage Porsche that a friend of mine had rented or whatever. So I just took. It looks like a fucking album collar cover. Like Stevie Nicks era, not only from the year of the car, but, like, because there was sort of this yellow, warm, sort of like, almost looked like a faded photo that I took over. I'm not gonna lie, man. I mean, there's anything better than that. A gorgeous woman next to a fucking beautiful car. I mean, that right there, that is the. Like, that advertising will never not work. Cause everyone knows it's true on both sides. You know, that if you get that car, you're going to get that woman. And that woman knows if she looks good like that, she's going to be in the car. The guy that drives it that way that makes enough money to buy it. That's basically what it is. You know, for all this feminist talk, they still. They're still traditional when it comes to you buying the nice car and you paying for it and you driving. I love. I love my wife to death, but she's always doing shit like that. You want to go out to Palm Desert this weekend? It's just like, why? You gonna drive? Or am I gonna fucking sit in that traffic and you're just gonna stare at your fucking phone? No. What? I'll keep you company. I'll be like the dj. I'll get like the two. Yeah, you'll just fucking sit there like you're on an Amtrak, you know, getting food and all of that shit. And I'm going to be sitting there like, you know, why am I the chauffeur in this fucking relationship? You have a driver's license. Why. Why do you have to ruin everything? Just fucking drive. Anyway, so from what I heard last report that I saw, which, by the way, thank God Nia watches the news, because I don't. So. I had no idea that they told us that we had to evacuate. I would have had no idea. And I would have been like, one of those people. Like, there was this video of these guys in this fucking house where, like, the flames were, like, in their backyard, and it was just like, how the fuck did you end up in that situation unless it was the start of the fire and you had no idea? And I was thinking, like, well, I would have ended up in that situation because I don't watch the fuck. I don't fucking watch anything anymore. I don't even know what I'm watching. I do the Duolingo French app every single day, and I try not to get involved in their. The things that they want to drive the app. Like, you know, to have you interact with the app, they immediately try to put you in a group of these other people, and they want you to make friends with them, and then they want you to compete with them who did the most French. You get points for every lesson that you did. And if you don't fucking do enough, you get demoted. But if you do enough, you get promoted, okay? Or you stay at the same level and, ooh, each little trophy is a different fucking color. And it's just like, you did it again. You did it again. Like, can you just. Every fucking thing. No matter how pure the desire is. I love the language. I want to learn how to speak it. I would love to be able to go to the French countryside and fucking hang out there smoking a cigar with some French guy smoking a cigarette and shooting his shit and hearing what. What he has to say about the world in his language. Right? Tell me some stories about what you've done. Right? That's what I want to do. And. But somehow, even on a fucking language app that you got to put on the fucking rat suit and start running on the wheel. It's the cheese. It's right there. It's right there. Run a little faster. Run a little faster. They've done that with everything. Like, the Food Network is just fucking brutal to me. They're literally like, I've said this for years. It's one of the nicest things you can do for somebody is to sit down and just make them a meal. It's one of the nicest, loving, most warmest things you can do for somebody, and they've turned the entire fucking channel. They don't even teach you how to cook anymore. All the. All it is is these competition. And the fucking worst one on there is the one with the kids, because they don't give him enough time. They don't give him enough ingredients. They put them under this fucking stress, this total, like abusive fucking relationship. They're literally getting them like trained to work in the corporate world. All right? Make this with less than what you need and not enough time and go. And if you're the fucking slowest or if you do the worst job, you can pack up your kid knife, fucking bottom lip quiver, and you can cry and walk the fuck out of here. Like, well, why would you do that? These kids are like crying, going like, you know, I was a little disappointed with my souffle when I put the potatoes in the ice bath. I knew that I took them out to zoo, but I was running out of time. It's like, look what you just did. That show should be called Adults Making Children Cry. This week on abusive adults, someone's going to be happy, but the rest of them are going to be crying. Welcome to the beautiful world of cook. The art of cooking as seen through capitalism. Quicker, faster, less ingredients or you will, you will have to pat. You are fired and you will be homeless and you'll be so crazy that you'll be on that fucking, that, that, that fucking whatever that fucking thing is where you're on the surfboard and you go up in the air and you'll be lighting the fires. Then he luck that crazy homeless guy, this footage of it, you can look it up. He was kite surfing. I just love that whole fucking idea that there's this like some fucking crazy homeless guy. You know, he must have it. At the very least, he must have one of those scooters and he's just going around doing his. Treating the Hollywood Hills like Dresden, except he's doing it from the ground. He's firebombing the hills. If I will say, if they do, if they do pin it on that guy. If I'm, if I'm to believe that guy somehow went from Altadena, Pasadena all the way out to the Palisades, swung by the Hollywood bowl and fucking God knows what, and then, you know, went behind some fucking red roof in to light a dumpster on fire. If they pin all of this shit on that guy, like my buddy was suggesting, and it was funny, he's go this date, they said this guy's the guy that started the fires. They should fucking throw him in the fire. And I'm like, yeah, that doesn't that just. Yeah. And that's all. It's pretty neat package, isn't it? Just all wrapped up in a bow for you. You're really going to go with the Oswald thing again, is that what we're doing. It's kind of like that Epstein island thing. The only guy we got in trouble was Epstein. Wasn't that weird? It's like, well, what about all those fucking creepy guys that were going over there banging 12 year olds? Nah, not interesting. It's just about Epstein. And then the maitre d, she got in trouble too, and then that was it. So I would say if they put it on just this crazy homeless guy, which I don't even know if it's a thing. I'm just going off of this fucking text message because I have more important things to do, all right? Like watch this video somebody sent me of Van Halen in Italy lip syncing to Mean Streets that Mean Streets. I Mean Street, Mean Street. Mean Streets was Martin Scorsese. Martin. All right, so anyway, I guess I'm trying to say is thank you to the fire department and the Department of Water and Power. What you guys did was amazing. And fuck everybody that's blaming the mayor. Corporations, like, for the love of God, can you just keep your eye on the ball? Corporations and our government, politicians have known about the dangers of the way that we were living and consuming and the population and all of that whole thing since the late 1950s. They knew this shit was coming, and they did nothing. They did nothing. They would introduce bills and then they would allow themselves to get paid off. And I feel they introduced the bills to get paid off. So the oil companies be like, what is this? What is this? What? You know. You know, I didn't come up with it, you know, but I guess I could make it go away if you were able to persuade me. So anyway, enough about that crap. Just with this bad air quality, I haven't been able to go out, you know, go out to the garage playing drums. Because even if I went out there, it's like. It's not like it's airtight. So I've been staying inside and I kind of fell back in love with playing guitar, you know, Even though I. I'm really bad at it. But I gotta tell you something. I got this tube amp. I'm not in my house right now, obviously, but I gotta give you the name of it. The guy's out of North Carolina or South Carolina, and I can't play on anything else anymore. It even makes me sound good. They just amaze, you know? I love too, is I love how you turn it on and it isn't on for a second. Like, the tubes have to, like, warm up. It's just fucking gorgeous. Like, so Much. That's. That's my. And I am also back to. I'm selling, you know, my vehicles before I go to. Before I go to New York. My Jaguar, unfortunately, has become a Jaguar, and I just did a bunch of repairs on it. So now I know it's. It's good. It'll probably be good for like another 20,000 miles. But I've been informed that there's no. Nothing you can do, you know, So I don't know. But I did. There was a few little cosmetic things that I wanted to get fixed. Like, I always loved, like, old people that drove cars for a long time and there wasn't one ding or dent in them. They would always get it fixed. There was no trim missing on the side. They would. They would, you know, keep up with the maintenance records. That's what I have. I have all the maintenance records on it. There's nothing like, not. There's not even a scratch on the rims. The paint is perfect. I got a clear wrap on it. It's a gorgeous car. But I. I realized, you know, that the storm is coming, so this is a good time. And I think I'm going to. I don't know what I'm going to get. I'm going to get something. But I. I like. I like analog cars. I don't like. I don't like this new. I don't like how they. They. They get into your phone and figure out where you live or whatever the, you know, or figure out, you know, take the. The contacts and all of that shit. It's so fucking, like, ridiculous that they're allowed to do that and we just accept it, you know? Like, the genius of all of these things is there's nobody to call or talk to anymore. So they can just sort of like. I mean, who am I yelling? Like, if you have any problems, you can contact us on our fucking website, right? And you go on the fucking website and you're just talking to, like an AI robot. Like, I went to a breakfast place today. The fucking counters right there. They want me to, like, scan the thing. It's like, I'm not fucking doing that. I'm not doing that. I try to find out the blue book of my car. They want me to put my license plate number in. It's like, why. Why do you need that? The fuck do you need that for? I know the make in the model, in the year of it. Tell me what the fuck it's worth is. Because they take that shit and then they fucking. They just. Anything they can to go sell to somebody else. So that was kind of what I was hoping in the. In the aftermath. You know what would be funny is if regular people, if we started fucking collecting information on them and selling it amongst ourselves. Like, what if somebody. And rather than just, you know, who they are, where they lived. If you go further than that, what they're doing, what they're. What they're up to, you know, they're looking at you, seeing what you're jerking off to, what you use to brush your teeth and listening to your phone calls. Why don't we start fucking spying on them? How much fun would that be? I could tell you right now there would be a privacy act. You know, if you started paying attention to the right fucking people, you know, there would be a privacy act. And the first one introduced would just be for them. No, no, no. You're included to. The privacy will trickle down. It's always trickling. It's never flowing. It's never equal. You're never on the same level. I don't know. All right, I think I've said enough cunty things here. Let's. Let's do some reads here. Let's do some reads. Let's do some reads. Some Rex reads. Remember him from the Brady Bunch? All right, what do we got? Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's him. Are you looking for a boost in the bedroom, dude? Hims is here to help you with personalized erectile dysfunction treatment options. And it's all online, man. It's all online. Like that's private. You just don't have to face somebody. But everything else is going to be out there. Men, life is stressful and you have plenty to worry about without adding the fact that your dick is staring to the. At the floor in the bedroom. 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You know, a good night's sleep is the cornerstone of every healthy life. Yeah. Unless there's a fire coming up the fucking canyon, don't sleep. On the importance of having a quality mattress. Do you know how many people died in the LA fire because they got a fucking comfortable mattress? They slept right through it. All right? But if you want to fight with your wife and she had you downstairs on the L shaped couch, you know, and you were sleeping like an apostrophe, you. You heard the flames coming. Um, and anyway, let me just get back to this. Every. Everybody is unique. Yeah, everybody has their own take on being a cunt. And everyone sleeps differently. That's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from. Each designed with specific sleep positions and feel preferences. All right, Jerry, shut the fuck up. You're working on fetal position. I don't want to hear it. They literally have it sectioned off. 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So me and a bunch of comic friends of mine are without a doubt gonna be doing a bunch of benefits for people that lost things. And then we're gonna do something for the firefighters, department, water and power, all of that shit. We gotta do some big show for them. I gotta figure out I Also got to squeeze it in before I leave, but we gotta do something. Because as much as a bunch of people lost stuff, so many people didn't lose anything because of what they did and how quickly they got the power back on, which is really huge for older people, people medically compromised and that type of stuff. So it was fucking amazing. And I have to be honest with you, like, the amount of shit that I didn't learn from COVID Remember Covid? And everybody did the run on the grocery stores and all of this shit. And I was just going, like, this is gonna last for, like, a week. What are these fucking idiots doing? This is just like a snowstorm, except it's a virus. It's gonna be gone in a week, right? And I was wrong about that. And then you would have thought, you know, you would have thought I would have had the flashlight and the fresh batteries and the fucking, you know, gun turret on top of my house. But, you know, I really think I'm really just settling into the fact that I'm a Matrix guy, you know? You want to shoot me up with your fucking drugs? You want me to eat your poison food supply? You want me to sit there and just watch your sports and question what's going on in the world? I'm your fucking guy. I'm not a deep thinker. I don't learn from past mistakes. You know, whenever there's a shitstorm coming, always caught with my pants down. Always. But you know what? You need people like me. Because without people like me, heroes would have no one to rescue. And organized people wouldn't feel organized, because everyone would be organized. So then you would just be regular. But thanks to me, it works for all of us. The United Way. All right. Is that it? Was there anything else? I know I mentioned Linda Lavin passing. That was a sad one. I loved her. She was fucking hot, too. Had that great Broadway voice. Alice, that was a great show. But once again, just like that Carly Simon song. When I got older, I used to love the theme song to Alice. Something like out of my Head, out of my head Something. Something in between I cooked and cleaned and went out of my head that's it. Going through life with blinders on it's tough to see I had to get out get out from under and look for me There's a new girl in town and she's feeling good I always love that. Feeling good. That's when you have your hands back and you put the one knee up. And then they do that Broadway run. Yeah, they fucking fly. Across the stage. But if things work out, she's gonna stay a while, right? I used to watch that show, right? And I like the guitar, I like the beginning. You know, I thought that for a sitcom that was a pretty, you know, that was a pretty funky fucking tune for a white chick driving across country to work in a greasy spoon in Arizona. But now, now that I'm older, when I watched the beginning of that, it's like she is leaving a fucking abusive relationship. Look at her, she's. She's not even 40. Her kids almost like 16, 15, 16. So she had this kid, she got married young probably to a good looking fellow that was in the police academy, right? Then he becomes a cop. He starts hanging out with the wrong guy. Now he's eating donuts, he's drinking coffee, he's planting pistols on non white people, you know, he's fucking drinking and he's drugging and now he's taking drugs off the drug dealer. He's got to get a taste of their business. And he's coming home and he's slapping her around. Alice doesn't want Tommy to see this. As they say, fuck this shit. They load up their fucking. That Ford station wagon, the Country Squire. And she's going to la. She's got that Broadway voice. Ba ba, ba, ba ba. Should have gone to fucking New York. She goes to la, only gets as far as Arizona. The car fucking breaks down and it's like once again the same way she settled at 21 when she got married to a future drunk, alcoholic, abusive decorated police officer. How can you leave now? I'm about to make detective. She then fucking goes out and she settles again, settles again to work in a diner for some fucking. She, she is a sucker for an abusive loud man with a heart of gold underneath it. Because I want to say Mel Sharples, you know, he never, he never like hit those women. But it was implied the way he would point at them with the spatula when he was yelling at him. I think he did something to Vera. That's why I think she was such a space shot. There's a new girl in town. All right, that's it. That's the podcast, everybody. You know, thank you for giving a shit about us out here. And for those of you who didn't, you know, who wrote those mean comments about, you know, good, let it burn. Fuck all those liberals and all that shit. You just remember, next time there's a hurricane or a tornado and all of that shit, we always show up, us Hollywood liberals. We'll Always be there to do a fucking benefit for you. And not because we like you. It's just we want you to watch our show so we keep making money. Oh, that might have been the truest thing I've ever said on this podcast. No, we do help, but it's also like, you know, you know, you can't piss off the people. You piss off the people in my business. I mean, that's it. You're done. Yeah, you're back on Queer Street. All right, that's it. I said it before and I'll say it again. That's the end of the podcast. Andrew Themelis, the wonderful Andrew Themolis, multi talented man who directed a stand up special that got into cons cans. However you say it, he's gonna be picking out the music for a segue into a bonus episode of the Thursday after afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast from a Thursday a long time ago. Yeah, all right. Have a great weekend. You can. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 19th. No, January 9th. Sorry, 2017. January 9th, 2017. You know, that's how bad I am at math. I can't even fucking say the date right. How's it going? How are ya? Oh, the summer wind, it came fucking blowing in because of global warming. It's fucking cold for about two weeks and then it's hot. My fucking house is gonna melt and then it'll slip into the sea. I don't give a that it's snowing in Massachusetts. Hey, what's going. What's going on? It's already getting hot as fuck out here. Dude, you should be a meteorologist. Yeah, it's gonna be hot as fuck in fucking Los Angeles. How are you? How's it going? Are you out there? You're fighting a good fight. You're trying to be a better person. You're trying to turn around your fucking childhood. Well, join the club. Had a little setback yesterday, you know. Oh. Ol fucking new Billy was running around and old William showed up yesterday. It's just I, you know, whatever. I just got to keep fucking, you know, moving forward. You know, Moving forward like the Celtics and the Bruins. Okay, we're not winning championships this year, but, you know, we're trying, all right? I'm not going to get rid of all of my anger in fucking two weeks. But, you know, if you can just chop away even a half a percent, you'll be a half a percent better today than you were yesterday. Jesus Christ. You know, you know what's fucked up is knowing that you fucked up and then actually really analyzing yourself and you're like, whoa, I didn't know it was that deep. Anyways, so what do you do? What do you do when you know you fucked up and you can't really fix it in a day? What do you do? Well, you know, what you do is you fucking crack open a beer and you watch some goddamn sports. That's what you do to distract yourself from all this shit that's going on. I love this whole fucking story about the Russians hacking into the fucking Democratic national fucking Convention Committee fucking websites and all that. All these fucking Hillary supporters. Yeah. That's why fucking Trump was able to eke it out. It's just like, I can't even fucking. I can't listen to any. And then you look at the Trump supporters, you're like, hey, what's the big deal? It's just the Russians. The bottom line is you either give a fuck or don't give a fuck about what the Russians allegedly did or didn't fucking do, depending on whether you wear a blue tie or a fucking red tie. And I love how in the end of all this, like, I'm supposed to listen to the fucking CIA, like, they don't have an agenda. Everybody in this story has a fucking agenda. So it's like, all right, who the fuck do I listen to, you know? Good fucking Lord. You think Obama would give a shit if the hacking led to Hillary winning? Well, we'll do something when the time is right and blah, blah, blah, blah. Why? Because the lady with the blue bra lost. What if she won Obama? Well, then what the fuck would you do? You'd ride off into the sunset getting ready to do your fucking speeches for fucking 300 grand a clip to the exact people that got you in the White House. It's all, I can't. That's why I watch sports. That's why I watch sports, because other than a couple of mobbed up refs here or there, you know, it's pretty fair. It's about as fair as it can get, which means it isn't fair. So anyways, I love that people don't like that Trump is friends with Vladimir Putin. However you say Putinum. Putnam, you know that, that not being friends with the Russians the first time didn't work out too well. The whole thing almost blew up in our face. So, you know, why don't we try to hold hands this time? I don't know, I. This is, I don't get into politics. I think war should be illegal. I think war is literally. It's the temper tantrum of the fucking Illuminati. And then everybody else has to pay the fucking price, you know, and those rich loafer wearing cunts will never step one foot into a battlefield, you know, they all make the fucking money off. It's just a bunch of fucking bullshit. And when are they going to grow up? I love how I can't go over my fence and just to take a bat out and beat the out of my neighbor because of, I don't know, whatever the they did, you know, the apple trees on their property. And I want the apples on my property and I can't just try to force them to give me their apples. And when they don't, I can then just come up with an I, I don't know, some sort of angle of that. I tell the rest of my neighbors and I go over there and I smash up his house and kill a few people in it. I don't. Why can't. I can't do that on a local level. But as a country, countries can do that to one another. It's just fucking beyond me. They can't sit down at a fucking table and hash it out. Give us the oil. No. Just sit there at the table for years just doing different reads. Give us the oil. No. All right, there's my fucking wingnut fucking conspiracy theory horseshit for you right out of the gate. So let's go right back to bread and circus, okay? Bread and fucking circus. You guys watch any of the playoff? Playoff fucking football games. I'll tell you right now, the two luckiest teams in the NFL right now are the Seattle Seahawks, the New England Patriots. Why you say? Because the other two best remaining teams in both conferences are going to play each other next weekend, you know, while the Patriots play the Houston Texans and the Seattle Seahawks play the Atlanta Falcons. Now, I'm not trying to disrespect the Texans or the Falcons, but who's kidding who? If you're Seattle and you got the Cowboys, the Packers and the Falcons left, which is the best game for you, which gives you the best chance of moving on to the next round. Wow. Those fucking dirty birds down there in Atlanta with the Real Housewives and the Down Low Brothers. And if in the afc, I would much rather, as a Patriot fan, watch us play the Texans without J.J. ha. What? Right? Playing a home game while the Kansas City Chiefs and the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the shit out of each other. You know, Cowboys and Green Bay are gonna eliminate one of them, right? You know the deal. So rather than Seattle having to go through fucking Green Bay and Dallas, they only got to go through one of them. And the Patriots, rather than having to play the Steelers and the fucking Chiefs, we only got to play one of them. Thank Christ, the way that worked out. So both of us, if we play the game that we should be fucked. That we know how to play should easily, not easily, but we should make it to the. To the fucking NFC AFC Championship Game. And the fucking Patriots had a buy. So we're fucking. We're wearing flip flops to the AFC Championship game. Having said that, I have no idea who's going to win the Super Bowl. I, like many people, I think we're amazed at how easily the packers handled the. The New York Football Giants. And as a Patriots fan, I did not enjoy that outcome because I wanted the rematch. You know, I said that fucking for the last five weeks. I want to see. I want to. I wanted the Patriots to play the Giants again. I wanted to see if definitively if the Giants just own us, you know, for the trilogy or could we get some revenge. You know what I mean? That's what I was looking forward to. So, you know. And I also love Eli and I actually love the Giants, believe it or not, as a Patriots team. I don't understand, like as much as those two losses were painful, what is there to hate? They're a great fucking franchise. They always have a great fucking defense. And a couple of tough years. But I wanted the rematch. Oh my God, that would have been huge ratings. Although a rematch Patriots Seattle could also be a good thing. However, how many times we've beaten the Steelers in the playoffs? Playoffs. We've beaten them. I don't know. Every fucking significant. Goddamn. I don't even know. I lost count. This. Would this be number four? So you can't tell me the Steelers aren't due. And I don't know shit about Kansas City other than people tell me that they're really good. So it's not going to be an easy AFC Championship game. And if you're asking me if I'm looking past the Dallas Texans, I kind of am, but only as a fan. I don't play for the New England Patriots, so I think the Patriots will be fine. That I'm kind of looking past the Houston Texans going into New England without JJ Hawat. How about that fucking catch by Richardson? You probably should say which one? But that one in the fucking end zone. That was like one of the best Catches I've seen since Odell Beckham's, you know, it wasn't anywhere near as good as that, but Jesus Christ, fucking literally reaching around below the guy, you know, around his junk, past his taint. They throw a flag for an interception, you still catch it. How many fucking times is there a flag in the end zone? And the offensive team gets to deny it because the fucking wide receiver reached around. You know, that sounds fucking perverted, but around the defender. You know why? Because I stopped at reach around, reach around, Jack. Reach around. Fucking reached around the defender. They probably teach you that in broadcasting school, you know, and one of the. The main things you have to look out for, other than staying away from advocacy of domestic violence against women, is when you're going to use the expression that the wide receiver reached around the defender, you got to get. You can't pause after a round. You got to go right to defender, reach around the defender, and then continue with your idea. Anyway, sorry. So, I don't know. A lot of people thought some of those playoff games were boring. I know I did the Steelers, Dolphins one, and that was a fucking snooze fest. But it's. It's the early rounds. It's the early rounds. Everybody's evenly matched. I think next week's will be. We will be great. We'll see what the fuck happens. Who do you like? Who do you like? I think a lot of people are on Seattle's fucking beak, as they say, right? Everybody's fucking looking at them like, oh, well, you know, they were just there and they played pretty good against the fucking Lions, you know, and then Green Bay, Green Bay's been there and everybody's like, oh, you know, fucking. All of a sudden, here we go, Aaron fucking Rogers looking like a beast in the second half, right? And then there's other people go, oh, what about those fucking Cowboys? That's why I don't fucking watch pre or post game analysis and probably why you got. Well, actually, maybe you shouldn't fast forward through this because I'll honestly tell you, I don't know what the fuck is gonna happen. I have no idea. I don't know what happens. I haven't watched Kansas City all year. I just know that. What the fuck is this? Andy Reid is their coach. And the last time I watched them was the first time I saw him in a red jacket and he looked like a big fucking tomato. And I said, you know what? I'm done with this franchise. And the only other time I paid attention to it was when Paul Verze kept telling me that us trading Matt Castle or letting him go to the Chiefs was a huge fucking mistake. And do you think he ever apologized to me for making that sort of a comment? I don't think he did. I don't think he did. Anyway, so I'm continuing to try to do the impossible, which is watch every home game of the Boston Celtics and the Boston Bruins while sustaining a healthy marriage. It's not easy. You know what makes it really hard is the Bruins and Celtics a lot of times play on the same day. And I, for some reason, never think, well, why don't you just watch one of them and then watch the other one on the off day? That's what I have to do. But I watched, you know, I watched the. The Celtic. Oh, I guess I taped the Pelican game. So I watched the Celtics beat the Pelicans, and then I. I watched the Bruins play the goddamn Hartford Whalers via North Carolina. And every time we play the fucking Hurricanes, it always goes in. We've played them three times in the last month. It always goes into overtime. And we usually. We usually lose to those cunts. I don't know what it was. We used to own the Hartford Whalers, but once they become the fucking Carolina Hurricanes, we always lose to them. They reminded me of what used to happen when the Patriots would go into Denver. We always lost. You know, granted, they had Craig Morton and then into John Elway. What do we have? We had Tony Eason, we had Steve Grogan. We couldn't match up the Orange Crush defense. And then John Elway was better than. I'm sorry, he was better than Tony Eason and. But he wasn't still on the draft board. And I know what you think, well, you should have picked Dan Marino. Well, you know, we didn't. Like everybody else. We fucking didn't. And you know who paid the price more than anybody else? Dan Marino. Because he went to fucking Miami and they never got him a running game or a defense. And to this day, people fucking trash him, saying he couldn't win the big one. And meanwhile, they had to change every possible rule in passing and tip it so totally forward to the. The scales, to the offense, for Dan Marino's records to finally start falling. Yeah, I'm a big Dan Marino fan. Anyways, plowing ahead here, and I've been watching the. The Celtics just having a great fucking time watching both of them. The Bruins, you know, they're hanging in there. We were out of the playoffs for a game. Playoffs. And then we Won. I don't know who the fuck we beat. Been watching so many fucking games. We beat Buffalo twice and then we fucking lost to Edmonton and then we beat somebody and then we fucking lost in overtime to. Through the Hurricanes, I believe. I don't know, it gets crazy, dude, trying to watch. 162 games. But anyways, they're both. We play the Blues and then the Celtics got a huge game against the Toronto Raptors. Now if you're not watching the Celtics of Boston, this is all you need to know. I'm going to read you their wins and losses and you tell me if you can pick up what's going on. We'll go back to them beating. They beat the. All right, Here we go. December 16th. We beat the sh. We beat the fucking. Does that say the Hornets? One of the Hornets stop being the Bobcats. The Hornets moved in New Orleans. Then they became the Pelicans and then that name freed up and then the Bobcats, like, all right, there's really, you know, not enough Bobcats out here in North Carolina. Can we go back to Hornets? Because their motherfuckers are everywhere. Go right up my overalls and shoo fly, North Carolina. All right, then we beat the Miami Heat. Then we beat the Memphis Grizzlies. Then we beat the fucking Indiana Pacers. Then we played the Oklahoma City Thunder and we lost. Then we played the Knicks. We beat him. Then we played the Grizzlies, we beat them. Then we played the Cavaliers and we lost. You seeing a pattern here? Then we beat the Heat. Then we beat the Jazz. Then we beat the Sixers. Then we beat the Pelicans. And then Tuesday we're playing the Toronto Raptors. So if you look, we. We beat all the regular Joe teams, Lunch pail, Larry's, but we can't beat the Cavs. We're not beating okc. And now we got. We got Toronto. So I don't know. I'll be very excited if we. I'll be very excited if we win that game because we haven't really beat a contender yet since I've started to watching them. But anyways, they're saying the Celtics are like one player away. They're not one player away. If you really watch the Cavaliers and you watch the Golden State warriors, we're at least two players away. The fact that they want to move like Marcus Smart, a Jay Crowder for that white kid who used to play at Butler for Brad Stevens. You know, I'll tell you right now, I'm reverse racist when it comes to fucking basketball. We're going to trade a black guy and draft picks for a white guy who plays in Utah? I don't know. First he's telling me the guy's a beast, whatever. Hawthorne or some like that. I don't. I don't know about hoop. I just started watching. I'm like a housewife that finally got her Celtic apron and has stopped making ham hocks and is peeking into the living room. So I don't have no idea what I'm talking about. All I can tell you is that I'm loving watching the. The games, dude. The Pelicans got a great fucking announcer, too. I was so pissed because I love listening to Tommy Heinson and the other fucking guy who. I don't know his goddamn name. I should. He's been doing the Celtics games forever. But the Pelting, see that? That was the Pelicans and the Celtics. The Pelicans or the Peltics, they actually combined during World War II. They played the Steagalls. They got a great announcer. Old school. Fucking. I don't know. Had a lot of elements of Vin Scully. I thought he was a class act. You could tell he was rooting for the Pelicans. But he gave. You know, when his team committed fouls, he said, all right, that's a foul. You know, he wasn't a total homer. I like guys like that. And I also like total homers like Tommy Heinson. All right, I'm going to talk. Stop talking about basketball because that's about as deep as I go. Let me read a couple of. Couple of advertisements here. Old Setback Billy. You know, I thought I came out of the clouds. Hey, you know what? Somebody came up to me the other day and they go, hey, did you see that story about the pit bull? These people, this family tried to put a Christmas sweater on the pit bull, and it fucking just snapped and mauled this woman. And you know what I said? I said, hey, did you hear about the cocker spaniel that bit that little girl's ear off? And then the person goes, no, I didn't. And I said, of course you didn't. They just. They don't report on all the other shit first. So I look up this whole pit bull thing is once in all, people just going like, these pit bulls, man, they're crazy. They're licking your face, and they love their owner. And then one day, they just kill him in their sleep. All this bullshit. I looked it up, okay? Two things. One, the dog's name was Scarface. Repeat. The dog's name was Scarface Number Two. They lived in Florida, okay? Can we quit blaming the fucking breed here? Jesus fucking Christ. That poor fucking dog. I can't imagine the abuse that that dog went through. The dog's name, Scarface. What kind of dog you think they wanted it to be? What do you think they trained it to be? That's what the fuck they did. Do you know, when I was a kid, we had a West Highland White Terrier, okay? And me and my brothers teased the fucking shit out of that dog, and it bit us routinely. Bit me in the face one time, and I almost lost my eye. You know why? Because we were horrible to the dog. That's why. Okay? If you get a pit bull and you name it fucking Scarface, and you start feeding it fucking raw meat and making it attack shit, eventually, you know, when you. I guarantee you they abused the fucking shit out of that thing. And what happened is when you put a sweater on a dog, at some point, its head is underneath the fucking material and it probably flipped out. And then what happens is you've abused a dog, and rather than it being a little West Highland Terrier that you can push off of your fucking face, you've done it to a dog that is in a weight class that you cannot fucking handle. But then what happens is, is they blame the dog because human beings are so precious and make no goddamn mistakes. It's fucking ridiculous that they keep blaming those dogs. And I know what you guys are thinking. Well, Bill, didn't you just give away your pit bull? Yes, I did, because I understood that I didn't have the capabilities as a fucking owner because of the abuse that happened to my dog. You know, my dog, when I first got it, I picked up a hockey stick, the fucking stick handle, in my living room, and it ran to the other side of the room and started shaking uncontrollably. Okay? I don't know what the other people did that. But you know when you do that to a fucking dog? You know, I don't know. I still love pit bulls, and I hate that people come up to me with those fucking stories. I don't give a fuck. You know, dogs bite people all the fucking time. All these different breeds bite people all the fucking time. Every day a dog bites somebody, you're bringing a fucking animal into the fucking house, okay? And if you're not a good owner and you don't know what the fucking you're doing, you could get bit. You get a hamster, you're gonna get bit. You get a pet snake, you're gonna get bit. You're bringing a fucking animal into the house. My whole fucking life, pit bulls were biting people. But it didn't get brought up until somewhere in the 90s when I was growing up, it was one German shepherd, one Doberman pinscher after a fucking another, you know? Meanwhile, Dalmatians are out of their fucking mind because they're purebred. Yet, you know, I don't know. All right, let's. Let's get back to the fucking podcast. I just. I don't. I don't buy into it the same way. I don't buy into the fact that there's people in other countries, you know, just sitting there, more evil than what the fuck is down the street from me. We're all human beings. Some of us are good. Most of us are. You know, I don't know what the. I'm talking about at this point. All right, let's continue on. Let's continue on with the podcast here. As you might have guessed, at this point, still no baby. So we're still fucking waiting. We are still waiting on pins and needles. And I am getting to the point where it's just like. It's. It's like, enough already. This is just like. It's like waiting to go on stage in front of a rowdy crowd. You just want to be like, can you just bring me up already so I can get this over with? Oh, my God. And I'm. I've become an expert at talking people out of the vortex of them giving. Giving me advice about what to do on the day, because they just start telling me their stories, and then I'll just be like, hey, did you see that nor'easter they just had back. You got family back east. And I just. I waltz them out of the conversation because I've tried being blunt with people, being like, listen, listen, listen. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I. I don't care. I don't want to hear your story. Your story is not going to help me. Your story is all about you and you just talking about yourself and everything that you learned. I don't give a shit. I've talked to a thousand fucking people, it seems like. And every one of you tells me a different story and a different thing for me to expect, which makes me feel like every fucking thing's a little bit different. So for the love of God, can you please shut the fuck up? Can you please stop with the verbal home videos? Ah. I can't wait to be a dad and not Tell other people how to be a dad. That is my goal as a parent. I probably won't do it. I'll probably fucking follow the herd right over the cliff and be like, you know what you gotta do? Tell you right now? Look out for this, you know? Do you know this person told me the other day that fucking I would never play drums again the second my kids bored. Can you fucking believe how ridiculous that is? You won't be playing drums anymore. Oh really? Well, you know, fucking Dave Grohl plays drums. He plays guitar too. And he sings in a band while touring the world. As far as what I've read, he's got a couple of kids. I think he's doing fine. John Bonham had a kid when he was fucking 19. His band didn't even make it yet. He had a fucking kid before his band made it. He was a teen dad before mtv and he went on to become arguably the greatest rock and roll drummer of all fucking time. You know what? I think old freckles can sneak in a couple of paradiddles. What do you think? You don't really think about parents. I think that there's certain people that know how to be a parent and not lose themselves in it and actually still have a balance in their life where they have a card game every once in a while. Obviously your life is. Has to adjust. But these fucking people that just like, they just. They have no life and they just sit there staring at their children, you know, honey, honey, honey, don't touch. No, no, no, no, no, no. They never let their kids fall down. They don't let them fucking do everything. They just sit there like a fucking penguin with that goddamn egg underneath them. Except the kid's already bored. I don't think. I don't know. I don't want to do that. I don't want that to be my life. You know what I mean? I think if a kid is inside, considering that we were cavemen and we used to have babies and they were in caves and at any point a saber toothed tiger can come in and just take the kid from you and then that's it. The fact that you're inside with, with central air heating and food, you don't have to hunt. You can go right down the street and go to the grocery store. I know I'm oversimplifying this, but I have to be honest with you. When I talk to other parents, all they do is just give me anxiety. I'm so excited for this thing to happen. And then I talk to people that have kids and they just dump all this anxiety on you. And I swear to God, I might be reading into this, but there's like a certain, like 30% of them that take like a certain perverted joy in making you feel, not feel well about this experience that's allegedly the greatest experience you're ever going to have. Like, they actually take this perverse joy. And I think that those people are actually bad parents because I think, I'm totally guessing here. I think that they resent their children and what they took from them and they still wanted to do blow and go around and have random sex with people. And they're, they're, they never quite got past. They didn't quite enough broads or jump on enough dicks. I don't know what it is, but I found it equally with men and women. Like 30% of them will take a perverse joy in trying to infuse some sort of like preemptive misery into your fucking life. Because I can tell you this right now, I'm still gonna play fucking drums. I have to. Because if I don't, I will go out of my fucking mind. I'm not saying I'm gonna play as much as I play, but to sit there and if you fucking think that I'm gonna sit here with a 71 green sparkle fucking Ludwig drunk pit and I'm not gonna keep fucking playing this thing. You know those people who out there who play an instrument, okay, but you don't make a living off of it and you stop playing it because you have a kid. Do you ever think about maybe, you know, just playing the instrument in front of your kid and maybe that they'll take to it, or maybe they'll play in an instrument that they could play and you to together you could have your own little fucking, you know, good time together, Bonding through the. I don't know, the wonder of having music as a fucking hobby. Who you hurt. Tell you right now, you better play that ukulele because once that kid comes, you're never going to play. I mean, what is, is this kid, like some little Donald Trump and he's going to fire me as a dad if I continue to do my little rudiments on my practice pad. How about I watch less tv? The amount of time I spent watching all the Bruins and Celtics. Why don't I take that out of my life and then put that towards watching the kid and then continue to play drums? I mean, there's adjustments you can make, right? Oh, I gotta tell you this Story. I. I always look at houses, you know, I'm not gonna sell my house. I love this place as much as I. That's why I about it. Because I love this house and. And I'm gonna continue to repair it and I'm gonna do the homeowner360, and when I have the whole thing fixed, I'm gonna start over again on the first job because now it's gonna be fucked up. Whatever I repaired at that point will then be fucked up. So anyways, I. There was this house for sale and I went to go. I went to go see it, and it basically had everything that you could ever want, right? It was a beautiful house. You know, from the outside was a beautiful house. It had a pool and a garage detached from the house with a room above it, which to me is like, oh, there you go. I got the kid. I got the house with the. I got the garage with the fucking room above it. I put my drums up there. Turning into a drum room slash podcast room. There you go. That is my fucking dream. So I go over to go look at this fucking place, right? Knowing full well I'm not going to fucking buy it. Because I can tell at this point, having bought a fucking house that needed all the work it does. But as. As I'm driving up to it, I can already see the fucking windows need to be replaced and it needs a new roof. Even though they told me, you know, we checked out the roof there, we had some inspectors, they said it's fine. Oh yeah? Is that what they said? Why are all these water stains all over the side of the house? What's that about? I like how the windows don't quite. They're not flush. Look at that. Look at the rot around all of those windows. This house, I can tell you right now is already a borderline tear down. And I haven't even gotten into it yet. So I walk into this fucking house and holy, holy, dude, I. I took a tour of this house. There was three separate times that I thought I was going to get murdered. All right, first of all, we go to look at the room above the garage first, and there's just this, this moss growing on the side of the house, which I don't know if it was mold or if it was moss. It was green. And the guy trying to sell it is, you know, he's doing his best, going, you know, it's a mother in law suite. He can do this, you can do that. There's room to add a little more onto the garage. And I just point to the. I'm like, what is that? And he goes, yeah, you know, definitely needs a little bit of work. And so I go into the house and there's this random guy living there who isn't the owner, has a ponytail. It's sparsely furnished. It was made in the 1920s, so it's already, like, creepy. You can already feel how many people have lived there and are now dead. And we just walk around the house. It got remodeled sometime in the 90s, yet it still had the fucking, you know, long Chaney Jr. Vibe of it from the 20s. And I go downstairs, it was like a basement which they just don't have out here. And the guy's like, he can make this into a TV room. And there was all like these fucking files and film and all this shit down there. And like, you know, that was the first time I was thinking about, like Saw or the Blair Witch. And I'm like, all right, can we go back upstairs? So we go back upstairs. We go all the way upstairs. Then there was this random, like, teenage girl living there that was the daughter of the dude downstairs who wasn't fucking. Who lives there, but I don't know, it's not his house. And we look up there and there's this stuffy smell. And then as we go down to go to the master bedroom, they said, oh, the owner is. The owner is. Just to let you know the owner is there. He's in the house, which usually they fucking leave. There's all these people just there and this fucking cat just sitting there looking at me. And I do the after you to go to the master bedroom and he does the after you to me. And then I didn't want to be rude, so now I'm walking towards the master bedroom, down this creepy fucking Transylvania hall with the. With the fucking. The guy smiley real estate agent behind me who, you know, he's the. I'm sitting there going like, he's regular looking, good looking guy. That was to make me feel safe. And now I'm fucked. And I'm walking towards this door and I open the fucking door and I look in there and I swear to God, there's this guy with like gray skin, totally bald, like the Landing Strip. And then like, you know, like the little Mr. Whipple hair around the side that he sort of died at some point, but now it was like this gray. He was totally gray. You could see the veins on the side of his head. Like Clint Eastwood, but not like, I wouldn't want to fight Clint Eastwood. More like, did this guy die and then come back and he was sitting down, hunched down. I think he was typing on the side of his bed. The place was a mess. And he just sort of looked over me and just like, hey, he looked like the fucking dad in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And I was just like, what the fuck? So I went like, hey, hey, man, how are you? I sort of stepped around him. And then when I went to look into the bathroom, which I did for fucking two seconds, you know, trying to feel the backside pressure, by the way. You know, like when a quarterback doesn't feel the rush, you know, trying to feel that fucking axe that was about ready to go into my back. I look into the bathroom and all along the bathtub, this guy had knee high dress socks drying on it. And I was just like. And I was just like, all right, man, I'll fucking see you later. And I did I like. You ever see that walk racing? That was a big Fad in the 70s. I did that right out of that fucking house. And I tell, I said to the real estate guy, I go, jesus Christ, I can see why this has been on the market for so long. How the fuck are you supposed to sell it when the goddamn creep kipper keeper is Creep keeper? The Crypt Keeper. I'm like verbally dyslexic. Forget about trying to read. They're sitting up there. I didn't dare look. You know, I was standing there and I said all this. I know those old houses. You can hear everything when you're right outside. I was standing right underneath the bedroom window and I didn't dare look up there because I had a feeling he was going to be standing in the window staring at me and I was going to have nightmares. And. And I just, I just, I left. I left. And I have this creepy feeling that because I went into that house, I got exposed to something. And at some point today, my home phone, which I never use, so it never rings, is going to ring and I'm going to pick it up and it's going to be that guy's voice going seven days. And then I got to somehow expose somebody I know to it so I don't fucking die. Having said that, it was a great house that had a lot of potential. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. That, that house needed a giant fucking hug. Needed to get that guy out of it and just. You needed to buy all the sage in the state of California and fucking set it on fire. And if in one thing either happens, either burns out all the Spirits or it burns down the house and you start over again. Having said that, though, despite how fucking creepy it was, the fact that it had a room over a garage, that's. That's the only way I would ever leave this house, is if I could find a fucking house. You know? I don't know. I got to get out of this fucking state. I gotta get out of this city. It's so stupid. Every house, I don't care how nice it is. You can literally stick your hand out the window, and before your hand completely extends, you can touch your neighbor's house. It's unbelievable. It's like, where the do you have to go? There's just too many people. Anyways, plowing ahead here. Should I do some reads for this week? Let's do some reads. What do we got here? I got a little more advertising to go. Who the fuck wants to listen to me read out loud anymore? Let's. Let's read some of the. Some of the questions for the week. I'll read two of these and then the last two advertisings. How about that? All right. And then I'll read the rest of the questions. All right. Polish invention. Hey, Bill, I saw this on Reddit. Kind of fucked up. People go to Reddit, by the way. How do you even figure out what's going on? It looks like computer code. People always tell me, you got to go on Reddit. It's like I looks like the fucking Declaration of Independence. I'm not reading all that shit. I saw this on Reddit. It was a machine made by some Polish guy to cut wood. Does knowing it's Polish make you double guess yourself? Double guess yourself as to whether or not it's good invention because of Polish jokes. Double guess yourself. And this guy's making fun of Polish people. I definitely did. I'm at the point where I have no idea your thoughts. Well, I don't know how to. I got to go back here to click the link. I can tell you this. We. I don't think we need any better way to cut down fucking trees. Do you ever see that fucking invention? It looks like a fucking bulldozer without. Without the bulldozer front end. And the thing just reaches out, grabs the tree, rips it out of the ground, turns it fucking horizontal and goes up one side, down the other and completely strips it down. And it does this within, like fucking, I don't know, within 10 seconds. And literally one man in that machine could do the work of like an army of lumberjacks for a year. It's it's terrifying when I saw it, to be honest with you, you know, as I talk about looking at a house that I don't need and then redoing it. What, are you going to redo it, Bill? What are you gonna redo it with the fucking wood that that machine cut down? Um, all right, let me see if I can find the. All right, here's the link. Let me look at this thing, all right? Oh, God. Well, you know what? I know you're making fun of Polish people. This is just. Some guy in his backyard came up with this. I bet you couldn't come up with this fucking thing. And to be honest with you, I just had to cut up my Christmas tree for this year. Sorry. I'm sure that was really annoying to listen to. That's great. Let's see what people say underneath. This is way better than the 1000 degree knife videos. I am irrationally angry at the completely different sizes of cuts of the second log. Short on fireload. We specialize in short firewood. I don't even know what this guy put on there, but he basically. He hooked it up to his. What's that thing between the transmission and the differential? Past the universal joint. I'm going fucking blank here. He basically just hooked it up to that. And he's using the engine. Turning of the engine. Why do people just hate on everybody out there? Good for him. I don't fuck him. Was I supposed to trash Polish people? I like Polish people. I like their food. And I don't know. I mean, I'm sure they've made movies about it, but not here in the United States, because we're so focused on our own fucking point of view, like most countries. But Poland I'm fascinated with because During World War II, they were sandwiched between two of the biggest madmen of all time. Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. They were stuck in between the two of them the most precarious fucking position of any country that I can ever fucking think of. And they somehow fucking survived. So I don't think they're dumb. And I look forward someday to going there and seeing that beautiful country eating their food and doing a fucking show, having a couple of fucking beers. All right, From Turkey. I'm sick of being called a delusional conspiracy theorist by my family and my lady. He said, I live in the Republic of Turkey. Maybe you've heard that there was a coup here last year. Yes, I did. I put it in quotation because it was the most pathetic attempt in Turkish history. So it didn't go down like the Ukraine. Long conspiracy short. Your guys were losing control of our guys whom they installed here to have a nice little proxy to the lovely oil desert downtown. Deserts downtown. I already love how this person is thinking. So they try to pull the carpet from under our guys because God knows they can't pass aggression wars in your Congress anymore since you American citizens are woke as fuck now. Thankfully, I guess we're not, because I don't know what any of this means. By the way, you don't write like you're from Turkey. Like this is your second language. You're using like really high level slang for someone who lives on the other side of the world. Anyways, this pathetic coup attempt created a lot of turmoil here. I mean, it would be less destructive if it succeeded because now, through their paranoia, they are going full ape shit, which turns Turkey to a bittersweet heaven for conspiracy theorists like myself with all the stuff going on. All right, well, there's no fucking way I'm reading your name so you don't end up in a jail if you actually are from Turkey. I can deal with my family's indifference to all this and my friends are most like me regarding these subjects. But the fact that my girl stonewalls me goes, yeah, doll, okay. Really annoys me down deep. Of course it does. Anytime you're passionate about an opinion and somebody just goes, oh, really? Okay, sweetheart, forget about it. If it's a woman that you have feelings for, she is a totally dope chick in every other aspect. Dude, you're not from Turkey. You're not from Turkey. But I'll continue with this. Fun to hang out. Hates the movies and music I hate. Has C cup fun pillows that were sculpted by God himself from my palms. But I can't help lose respect for her when it comes to her not giving a single shit about politics and stuff. She's convinced she doesn't get affected by them for some reason. And it doesn't matter. I'm curious how you dealt with this feeling. Also, I'm very interested in how you reach information about the world and what news outlets you trust. From Turkey with love to you and Nia. All right, well, let's say you're from Turkey. Very impressive. You're English and you're slang. You're actually better at my language than I am. All right, here's what you have to understand as a conspiracy theorist is that you're. You're really. You're a lot to deal with and you really wear people out. This is What I learned when I went down the rabbit hole, which I got out of a good two, three years ago, is that as much as you don't trust what the fuck people are telling you, which is really common sense. And I'm not saying there's a bunch of fucking crazy people living under a mountain pulling the strings, but what I'm saying is that everybody is spinning this shit because everybody has their own agenda. So you can't, you don't. Like if you just, if you showed up to a two car accident, okay, both people are going to spin it. In a way, even if one person was 100% right, they're still going to spin it. So there's no fucking way that, you know, they can be perceived. They're going to spin it just because the other person is spinning just to offset their spinning of it. It's like listening to that whole fucking Russia tapped into, you know, hacked into our shit. You're going to listen to the Democrats spinning it, the Republicans spinning it, the CIA spinning it, and then fucking Russia, their spin on it. So at the end of it, who the fuck knows what happened. I just love how our country is acting like we don't spy on Russia and we don't try to influence elections around the fucking world and we haven't placed people in power, taken people out and all of that. It's fucking hilarious. All of a sudden it happens to us and it's a big goddamn tragedy. So I would say respect the fact that she's not into politics. I'm envious of people that can then, you know, I kind of did that after a while. Like after a while, it's just like you're screaming into a tornado. All right? It's way bigger than you are. There are people out there that have the ability and the influence to fucking guess, turn shit around, but I'm not that guy. I'm just some fucking guy ruining your beer at a bar by bringing all my delusional, paranoid fucking thoughts, whether I'm right or not. Which I was probably right on a few things. Like Mel Gibson in that movie where he drove the taxicab. I was probably right about a few fucking things, but I don't know what they are. So all you're doing is just annoying the shit out of people. And I have to be honest with you, if your girl actually loves you and she's to the point of responding, of yeah, doll, okay, I think you've probably worn her down. I bet she didn't say that in the beginning. She probably Listened to it and you probably freaked her out. And you don't have a solution. You're just saying all this fucking shit that's just gonna ruin her day. So maybe that's her defense mechanism. And what I'm doing is I'm not being, I'm not going Dr. Phil here and just siding with the woman because I don't have a female audience, unlike that fucking dishonest cunt, right? You need to do what she says. When you look, ladies, when you look at Dr. Phil, when you honestly look at that man, do you see somebody? Do you honest? Do you not see how volatile a human being that guy is? Can you just imagine living with that man when he loses his, his. Just imagine that semi bald head and face just beet red, screaming at you, his spittle getting caught in his mustache. Just imagine that. And he's a big man too, okay? I'm telling you. I know he's got that Southern drawl and you just think everybody's a gentleman, you know, the way women love a foreign accent. I guess guys like it too. I don't know. I. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyways, let's get back to this guy. To lose respect for the fact that somebody's not into what the fuck you're into is. That's a sign. You know, it'd be one thing if she just didn't give a fuck about me. I don't know, I. I'd have to know who the fuck she was. That could just be a defense mechanism where it's just like, whatever, it doesn't affect my life. You know, I've done that with global warming and all of that type of shit. I've just started to block it out because there's nothing I can do to get people to. I don't. And I don't even know what the. I don't know what the fucking solution is. The only solution I have is to fucking exterminate most of us, 90% of us. And then just fucking everybody sits in a ball and hopes that everything that we've put into the earth and into the air kind of goes away after a while. That's the only solution I have, which I don't think that that's going to work. So I don't know, I just, you know, I try to fucking do whatever the fuck I can do, which is, you know, I don't know. See, dude, this is why people don't like, see you. You literally bringing this up has brought me to A dark place. And your email alone just told me that just got me to say that we need to exterminate 90% of the people on the planet. How insane is that? How are you going to do that, Bill? You're going to do that to babies too? Or you're not going to do babies, but you're going to kill all those fucking parents and then what? You're going to have the most giant fucking nursery like it all. It all unravels the whole fucking thing. That's why I kind of stopped doing the conspiracy theory thing, even though I still throw it out there, because it's fun. And I. And I also don't believe a fucking word anybody's telling me when it comes to that shit. You know, one on one, you know, if I sat down with somebody and there's not cameras around, then I feel like they can really be honest with me. But the second you're on tv, you know, there's only so honest you can be so. I don't know, I would probably guess that on some level you're a lot to be around during certain news stories. And I think you should lighten up a little bit. Take your girlfriend out, go get a fucking ice cream and enjoy the fact that someone as beautiful as you're saying is she is actually can tolerate you and your. Your fucking theories. All right? Having said that, if I ever go to Turkey, I'll definitely have a beer with you and then I'll fucking. I'll go fucking toe for toe with you with conspiracy theories. All right? And thank you for listening to the podcast. Okay. Girlfriend was unwillingly married. What? All right. Dear Billy Psycho tits. I don't know what that means, but I like that one. I'm 25 years old and finally found out the girl of my dreams. And finally found the girl of my dreams. Well, good for you, dude. You found her pretty young. She's 23 years old, smart, super attractive, and we have been in a relationship for the last nine months. I don't even have the urge to go to bars and sleep with women anymore. She has me all types of screwed up. It's amazing. My family loves her, especially my father, who never gives a shit about my relationships. She's from Yemen and is Muslim, and although she doesn't really follow the religion, she's forced to by her parents. That being said, one weekend last month she told me her sister was having an arranged marriage and she was headed to the wedding. I did not hear from her for three days. She finally contacted. Oh, no. She finally contacted me back after. I constantly reached out to her and she told me we had to talk. Oh, no. Once we met up, she told me she was unwillingly married off to a man from Yemen and that she had no idea this was going to happen. Oh my God, is this real? Is this a Lifetime script? She told me that since her parents signed the marriage documents, she really had no choice in her religion. In God's eyes, she was. She's married. She made it clear that she was in love with me and that she wanted to be with me. Is that fucking chick who punches herself in the chest gonna start singing at this point? What's her name? She does the casino gigs. She's from Canada. She sang the Titanic song, right? Leonardo DiCaprio on the front of a ship. Whatever the fuck it song. No, that's. That's in the Arms of the angel. That's about rescue dogs. What song? Oh, yeah. Near, Far, Where. Oh, how much does she fucking hate that song? Having to sing that to a bunch of casino dopes sitting there in flip flops getting teared up, you know? Anyways, she made it clear with me. She made it clear that she was in love with me and that she wanted me to be with me only. She told me she pleaded with her parents, but they wouldn't budge. We then came up with the date that if her parents still wouldn't budge, she would just move in with me out of her parents home and we would figure it out together. During the week after, text messages turned to about three messages a day and I did not get to see her at all. Even if you made this up, this is an incredible story. I then got a message from her best friend and she told me that her. That my girlfriend was lying to me. Oh, now, now, who do you believe? She told me that my girl had been engaged since she was 16 years old. Her new husband is forcing himself to try to fuck her and she is threatening her and. And is threatening her with violence. All right, dude, this is going outside the realm of my silly little podcast here. As well as taking her, taking her away, her phone, she does make it clear that my girl does love me with all her heart but will never leave due to her parents disowning her if she decides to leave this marriage. What the fuck? What period? The period. Fuck period. I immediately contact my girl and she admits to everything. She told me she knew about the wedding beforehand and doesn't think she could do that to her family. He's trying to have sex with her, but she Cried, and then he just stops. Oh, boy. Well, you know what? I commend that other guy. You know what I mean? Any guy who can plow through a woman crying, it's just a fucking animal that needs to be shot in the back of the fucking head. So this guy's actually not a bad guy. I don't think he's just wrapped up in the fucking custom. Ah, Jesus Christ. Gotta love religion, everybody. I have no idea what to do. She won't go against her parents, but she loves me and she's just given up. She was such a strong and tough person. Now she's just going with the unwilling. Maybe she should just keep crying. And that guy's decent enough to do do to just be like, all right, you know, fuck this. Her friend told me she's depressed and doesn't have the fight in her. Currently, she's blocked. My friends, our mutual friends, and our family are from social media. My family and friends have been calming me down. This guy who thinks he owns my girl would get American History X Curb Stomp if I find out he lays a hand on her. All right, this. Stop being funny, like, at least nine paragraphs ago. Like, I usually have, like, lighthearted funny shit here, but that might also complicate things for her. Yeah, if you murdered the guy, absolutely. Anyways, I love your podcast. Don't stop what you're doing and go fuck yourself. I don't believe that. I don't believe that story. I'm not saying shit like that doesn't happen, but I don't believe that someone would write this level of serious shit into me. Yeah, I don't. That got a little too fucking sensational for me, not saying that shit like that doesn't happen. But if that actually is true, I don't know why you're writing to this podcast. I think at that point, you need to write to. I'm going to say is wrong. Is it Neum Leesom or Liam Neeson? That guy. You need. You need to write to that guy and find out who wrote the scripts and the words that he said, and then find out what they based that off of and gradually go back and find whoever the Liam Neeson Nem Leesom is pretending to be. I should know who that guy's name is, right? Considering I act every once in a while, I should know who one of the best guys out there. Liam Neeson. Oh, Liam Neeson. He's born in 1952. Jesus Christ. That guy's, like, 60, 63 years old, and I still wouldn't with him. Not even remotely. You know, certain actors that play a character and you're like, yeah, he's just pretending to be a tough guy. Then there's other people where you're just like, you know. You know, I think that guy could really beat the shit out of me. You know, you're just on the ground. When does the scene end, Liam? All right. Banged friends, Virgin X. Dear strawberry pubes forever. A month back, I recently acquired. A recently acquired friend was at my house, and unbeknownst to me, his girlfriend at the time was my next door neighbor. All right, I was just thinking about the Beatles. I got distracted. Let me read this. A month back. Hey, recently. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know what? I forgot. I gotta read those other two advertisings. I know you guys like, what the fuck? I know. Just let me just knock these out really quickly. Here we go. Banged friends, Virgin x. All right, let's start again. Dear strawberry Billy, Pubes forever. Strawberry pubes forever. There we go. A month back, a recent, recently acquired friend was at my house. And unbeknownst to me, his girlfriend at the time was my next door neighbor. A few weeks later, they had broken up because she wasn't putting out. Apparently they had dated for three months, and he couldn't take it anymore. Here's the thing. Oh, Jesus. One thing led to another. Next thing you know, Long story short, a week ago, I was drunk with a different buddy. One thing led to another. Sorry. And we decided it would be funny to invite her and her roommates over to play board games. I was pretty buzzed and had all the confidence in the world. I walked over to her house, and it just so happened she was the only one home. Oh, Jesus. She invited me in. Is this like some red shoe diary or this really happened? She invited me in for some cookies her sorority made. One thing led to another. There we go. And we ended up. One thing led to another. The classic phrase, she was obviously inexperienced, so it was nothing to write home about this. Normally wouldn't be a problem, except she's my next door neighbor. So naturally, I have repeated the process about a dozen times. My question is, should I tell my friend? Normally I wouldn't say anything, but I think I'm falling for this girl. He's been kind of distanced lately, so he might have some suspicions. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Please come to San Diego and congrats on the baby. Is there anything funnier than a young man with a dick, you know? Jesus Christ, dude. You think he's getting suspicious? She lives Next door. You've been over there 12 times? Yeah. He's gonna figure it out. Well, look, you know, he broke up with her. He was only there with her for three months. How well did you. How well, how much. How are you great friends with this person? Yeah, it gets messy. It gets me. I don't even know what you're asking me here. You know, it's a fucking great story other than it used to be your friend's girlfriend, but he fucking tapped out. Maybe that's what you should say to him when he calls you on it. He just been. He shouldn't have tapped out, man. Should have kept mining for gold. There's gold in them there hills. I don't know. The fact that you've been with this girl 12 times and you think you're falling for her. I don't think you're falling for her. I think you love the convenience of it. If I had to guess, you really didn't write too deeply about your. About your fucking feelings for this girl. I think you went further into the fact of how you fucking nailed this girl and your. Your. Your friend didn't. So I don't know. If you're really not into this girl, I would just pull the plug and I would never bring it up. And I'd wait till that guy is a couple of Miller highlifes into him, and at that point, I would stay out of his wheelhouse because he might. Fucking sucker puncher. Because you know what happened. All right, what did he say? Bang. Friend's ex girlfriend. So he didn't say he accidentally did it. So. Yeah, well, you know, you knew what you were doing and you did it. And now that's the. That's. That's the world you created, and you're living in it. So I don't know what to tell you other than if you're not really falling for this girl, I would stop fucking her. There you go. I don't care how good the cookies are. All right. Calling girlfriend a cunt. Hey, Bill. Hope fatherhood is treating you well. If it finally happened. Has not happened yet. Recently, my girlfriend was being very unreasonable and running her mouth about something, and I said she was being a cunt. Didn't call her a cunt. Rather acting like one. You know what? There is a loophole there. There is a loophole there, but when you drop the C word, it's. It's very difficult. Like, I've never called my wife A. Ever. I've never done it. The entire time I've been. I Never called her that once. One time I did say that she was acting like one. And she brought that up for like three years because she knew how important it was to me to never call her that. And she, we got into a fight and then she pushed my buttons, trying to get me more and more mad because that's what they do, and they're not doing it maliciously. That's how they fight most of them, where guys go, what you fuck, you say, and then you start fucking fist fighting. Women usually don't get to that level. So their fist fighting is. They, they, they've already broken you down psychologically and they just try to make you as mad as they can. And if you're with a cool woman, they'll. They'll take responsibility for that and they'll eventually forgive you. So anyways, all right, so you said that she was acting like one. Okay. Since then she's had her panties in a twist and thinks I owe her an apology. I haven't given her one. My thoughts are that if anyone, male or female, is acting like a. I can call them a. What's your thought thoughts on calling women a cunt? And have you gotten into trouble for calling a woman a cunt? I've never done that to a woman that I've dated. Have I ever called a woman a cunt? You know, it's funny, as much as I use that word, I don't think I've ever done that. No, I don't do the name calling thing. As angry as I am, if I ever done that. I've definitely, like, yeah, you, you psycho. I've done that. But I, I don't, I don't do the, I don't do the, the fucking, the, Those classics. I don't, I don't, I don't break out the classics. I don't say cunt. I don't say any of that. Yeah, I don't. I just don't. I saw, I saw that early on in my life that, that doesn't work. And I saw what it does to a relationship. I just saw it. You know, I, I had a paper route when I was a kid, so, you know, you get to step into a lot of people's homes and watch a little movie trailer. And a lot of times you're walking up to the house and you can hear the director's cut of what's going on before you went in there. You know, so I saw a lot of that. You know, being from Massachusetts, there was a lot of hotheads and I Don't know. As much as a dick as I am, I've never done that, and I can tell you that it gets you nowhere. So. And the thing. The stubborn thing that you're doing right now that you're not apologizing for, it is going to cause her to dig her heels in. And what you're doing is you're creating this toxic cesspool in your relationship. Okay? You could have said a bunch of other words and you went to DEFCON 5 or whatever the fuck is it. One. Is one the worst or is five the worst? Whatever. The worst one, you went nuclear. Honor. I think you should apologize and just say, for the record, I didn't say you were a cunt. I respect you enough to not call you a cunt. I just said you were acting like one. Okay? I won't do that in the future. I was wrong. Don't even. Don't even defend. You just say, I apologize for what I said. I shouldn't have said it. Just. Just apologize, all right? And there'll be some residual shit, but I can tell you right this, right now, if you're going to make a relationship work when you're in the wrong, you have to apologize. You have to do that because if you don't apologize, if you always get your backup, if you fight him every step of the way, then you stop being a person to them. You're just this thing. You're just this loud, annoying thing, okay? But if you say you're sorry, if you ever. If you say, like, you know what? You're right, and blah, blah, blah, blah, the times when you actually are defending your position, you have clout because you've admitted that you were wrong when you were wrong. So there you go. Now, I'm not saying she wasn't being a cunt, okay? Now, that's the type of thing, if you want to say that. That's what you say when you got your one fucking buddy who, for the most part can keep his fucking mouth shut. But even then, you can't depend on that, okay? If you're ever going to call your woman a cunt, you fucking do it. You go for a drive and you do it in your car by yourself and you yell everything that you want to yell because she's not listening to you. You make all your fucking points. You fucking crush it. You give your closing argument to the invisible jury inside your car, and then in the end, you know, and if you actually stop for a second and listen to me, you'd understand that. But you can't. Because you're such a fucking cunt, Right? And then you look over, you know, at the other person sitting there at the red light with you. And if it's another guy, if it's me, I'm gonna laugh, you know, not at you, but I'm gonna laugh knowing what the you're doing. And if it's a woman, she's probably gonna laugh knowing what the you're doing. Or if she's a cunt, she's gonna fucking squint her eyes at her and be more of a cunt. Ah, there you go. So, yeah, I do not, nor would I ever do that. I would. To the. To the. To my wife. I would never do that. I wouldn't do that to any woman that I was in business with. I wouldn't do that with any fucking. I wouldn't do that in general. But generally speaking, when I talk about people, I kind of just call men cunts. I think it's funny to call a man a cunt. To call a woman a cunt is. It's just not funny. Calling a guy a cunt is fucking hilarious, and I stand by that. All right, not saying that there's not cunts. God knows that word exists for a fucking reason, but it's just too fucking mean. And I'm telling you, you lose. You lose in the end. Because, you know, they could just make your life miserable. And every court of law, generally speaking out there, is going to side with them. And next thing you know, you will never play drums again because she's going to take them from you. All right? Not the fucking baby. Okay, that's the podcast for this week. God bless you. All right, you cunts go yourselves and I will check in on you on Thursday. It sa.