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- [00:01]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on?
- [00:02]
Paul Verzi
It's Bill Burr, and it's time for.
- [00:04]
Bill Burr
The Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast, and yours truly is just.
- [00:11]
Paul Verzi
Checking in on you.
- [00:13]
Bill Burr
I'm checking in to see how are you doing.
- [00:17]
Paul Verzi
You know, sometimes we get so used to just saying things, we don't even know what we're saying, they stop meaning things like, gee, I don't know, like, I love you. I love you becomes love you. Or, you know, somebody says love you, and you go, yep, but what happened? What happens to. Why do we do that? You know, Jesus once said, got into a big, long debate about the Lord last night with a friend of mine and completely didn't see it the same way, but it didn't get into an argument. I was just like, no, I. I get how you see it. I mean, I don't see it that way. The old me would have been like, no, no, no, no. I would have gotten some big, stupid fight. It's just like, all right, you know, if you think he's a good, that's cool. I don't. I think he's got issues. I think God has issues. That's why he keeps creating, just keeps throwing himself into his work. There's some sort of demon he doesn't want to deal with. And I'm not talking about the actual devil, because I don't think there is a devil. I think God, devil, the whole thing, it's all one thing that just whatever, if you want to say, made this thing okay, but it doesn't give a. Just made it and moved on to the next Earth or Saturn or whatever the it's working on. I mean, I've seen this behavior in human beings, and according to that book, he made us in his image. So he's just some. He's some hurt kid who hurt God. If God was like, who made him? Who made who? I think AC dc. AC DC figured it out a long time ago. Who made who? He made them, and they made you.
- [02:23]
Andrew Themelis
Who picked up a doobie do?
- [02:25]
Bill Burr
Who made who?
- [02:28]
Paul Verzi
Anyway, I am working my way up to 99. I'm having a great time. Shout out to mega Texas Barbecue once again. My second time going there. It's the best barbecue in the goddamn country. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, last time I went there, they tried to kill me. They gave me Nate Craig and club soda Kenny. They gave us all of this, you know, a whole sample. Like, my wife knows how to do the sample platter. I don't. I come from the. You clean your plate or you're gonna get smacked in the back of the head generation. So I'm just sitting. I shout. So this time I go, I'm just gonna get the pulled pork and the ribs and two sides. I got the beans, and I got some Mac and cheese. And then they're like. Well, you know, we got, like, this smoked turkey. I just want you to try it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It was so good. And then what was amazing was the smoky aftertaste would come like, like, three seconds later. And we're going like, all right, all right, that's enough. That's Sophie, right? And then she. She brought even more of it out and, like, desserts and all of that. And next thing you know, I'm. I'm leaning a little bit. Oh, my God, it was so good in a Texas Twinkie. So I forgot when I described it, it's a stuffed jalapeno. They got, like, cream cheese and brisket inside of it and other seasonings or whatever. And then it's like, triple wrapped with bacon with a little sauce on top. It's bananas. You gotta go there. If anywhere near Fresno and you like barbecue, it's worth the trip. It is worth the trip. They are. They have. They're artists down there. All right? And. And then last night, I got to play. I finally got to play the place I wanted. This is my third time here in Bakersfield, and the first time, I forget where I played, and then I played a casino, but I wanted to play this. This. This old theater out here, the Warner Theater. And interestingly enough, I was going to say ACDC did a show here on the highway to Hell tour with Bon Scott. And when you go into the basement of that venue and you're looking at the floors and the sinks, it looks all original. You're like. Like, oh, my God. Did Bon Scott, Malcolm Young, Phil, Cliff, and Angus walk around on these same floors? It just gave me the chills. So I went out there and the crowd was great. They were a little rowdy, but they were a lot of fun. And, you know, you gotta respect people that are rowdy on, like, on a fucking Wednesday, right? Anyway, I had a lot of fun and. I don't know, just having fun, like, playing with both sides of a lot of different subjects and everything, and then trying to get people to understand that there's not two sides in this country. It's like, us against them, but they got us feeling like, you know, like it's a football field and we're Playing each other. It's like, no, dude, we're on the same team and we keep tackling each other. And at this point, the fucking super rich are just sitting in the stands laughing at us. So I saw this thing Jim Jeffries did, this bit, was saying, she just put it on his Instagram, right? And he was saying how hate doesn't beat hate, it just creates more hate. The only thing that I'm paraphrasing, love is the only thing that beats hate. And you just love the other person and they can still hate you, but eventually everyone's going to look at them like they're the asshole. And then literally the first comment someone wrote, we just got signed up for four more years of this. Unfortunately, somebody wrote underneath it and you immediately missed the point. It's like, why would you write that? Like, like people like so cannot get out of this fucking political argument thing unless it's a bot. You know, just every fucking other goddamn thing you see on the Internet, somebody figures out how to politicize. We've literally politicized at this point. Four women sitting around talking. You know, those fucking shows like the View, they used to just sit around and shoot the shit and now that's politicized. So now they're going to have a right wing view.
- [07:43]
Bill Burr
That's the thing too, is so much.
- [07:46]
Paul Verzi
Of this shit that you don't like politically, it's like you create it by doing it on your side. Stop doing it. You want to have a talk show, have a fucking talk show. Don't make it a liberal talk show unless you want to see eventually a conservative one. And all of that, all that does is just fucking divide us. It's fucking insane. It's fucking insane. And people just keep doing it. Jesus fucking Christ. And that. Now look where the fuck, look where the fuck we're at. We're just fucking attacking each other. So anyway, that's sort of the challenge right now that I find, like going out on the road, it's like, I don't want to go out there and, you know, add to this. Very least I can come out here and try to make people to like forget about them. I don't know. But people are so sensitive at this point. Even if you make fun of both sides, you know, in like a light hearted way, they, they, they still like get so upset. It's unbelievable. It's literally, it's a sickness at this point, just, especially as a comedian, like your job, you just make fun of the standing present. That's what it is. You Know, back in the day, you did it way more respectful, but, you know, things have changed like that. But like whoever was the president, I don't know, my whole career, you just, you just fucking made fun of them or whatever they were doing or the weird way they talked or they couldn't remember where the they were, you know, that was another one, you know. Well, they used to host a reality show, you know, that's what you did. People are like posting up now. I'll tell you, that's the two. That's the two things that have, that have changed the most since I've been an adult is you look at like that, that company Tesla now, and the Tesla guy can never remember his Elon Musk, right? That guy just politicized a fucking car company. If that is not the stupidest fucking thing you could ever do. The stupidest. And not only that, I gotta watch out because Dean's doing a bit about this. It's just like you kind of alienated most of your, the majority of your fan base. I don't, I don't get it. I don't get watching comedians do it or, or actors. I don't, I just don't get. Because it, it doesn't change anything. And all it does, it does the exact opposite. It makes it worse, I think, which is why back in the day, it's like you didn't say who the fuck you voted for. You didn't talk about politics or religion. But I really think the. How anonymous you can be online and how back in the day, you know, if you wanted to talk shit to somebody, you had to go over there, I guess you could call them on the phone, but you'd have to have their phone number, which means you're in their life and they know who the fuck you are. So eventually you'd have to back up what you say. But like the Internet, you can be as rude as you want to be, as fucked up, as tough as you want to be. All of that shit. It's really crazy. So anyway, I've been coming out here trying to keep it light and trying to, I don't know, walk that. Another one too is artist's brand is something that I don't understand. I'm just like, I get it, you know, because the whole business folded. So now it's like up to you. Like artists have to be like, you know, managers at like agents and like the industry all at the same time. But like, I don't know, it's that, that added burden that now it's like, up to you that you have to get it going. They used to. All you used to have to do is just worry about becoming a good comedian or a good actor or something like that. I mean, you always had to play the game, but now it's like you have to be like, all right, I gotta be a comedian. I gotta market myself. I gotta see what the trends are and blah, blah. Fucking. I don't know. I'm probably just an old guy who's, like, just saying the world's changing and I don't understand it. Which is, I think, the typical. That's the typical thing. If I could use any analogy, it's watching everybody stand still now when they play football and they kick the ball off. When I look at that, I'm just like, that is not the game I rec. I used. I mean, it's a good thing. I don't want people to get their heads knocked in. But, like, I don't know.
- [13:22]
Bill Burr
It's changed a lot anyway.
- [13:27]
Paul Verzi
Getting back.
- [13:28]
Andrew Themelis
So.
- [13:31]
Paul Verzi
I was in Bakersfield after I did Ojai, Shout out to Cafe Smitten. Gave me a great cup of. Cup of coffee and underrated Bakersfield. What a great city that is. You know what's great about it is, like, all of these corporate, stupid fucking stores haven't taken over the whole downtown area. So there was so many, like, interesting places to look at in businesses. Like, there was an incredible fucking music store. It was unfortunately, wasn't open before, but just going in the window literally had, like, some fucking mannequin holding a guitar. Like one of those fucking places like this. I don't know. Incredible. Just mix. And then he had, like, some old vintage drums in there. It's right next to the Fox Theater in Bakersfield. We were like, you know, me and Dean had a fucking nose pressed up against the window trying to see what was in there. Unfortunately, it wasn't open. Next time I come up here, I gotta check that out. They had a little arena there that was the. It looked like it was the minor league hockey team for the Edmonton Oilers. Really cool architecture. We went to that place, Smitten Coffee, and. And there wasn't a whole lot of people, like, you know, on the street in the morning. So the streets were kind of empty. And I kind of felt like I was in one of those cool early 70s movies that I love watching. But the crowd there was fantastic. And just, like I said, like, so far, Ojai, Bakersfield and Fresno, the people that are, like, have been, like, ridiculously gracious and happy that, you know, me and Dean came out here, and that's something I've been saying. Like, you know, a lot of people, you know, once you get going, you start selling tickets. You just go to the big cities and then that's it. And then all these people who live, you know, in these places, smaller places, smaller markets, whatever they call them, they, you know, they always have to fucking drive. And they get sick of it after a while. So if you actually come to them, they're like, oh, my God, this is fucking unbelievable. Somebody finally came to me. Are you serious? And now I get to be home 20 minutes after the show. Oh, another thing about Fresno. Shout out to the. I hope I say this right. Selling Arena S E L L A N D Arena this place looks like every place I saw a heavy metal show when I was growing looked like the Worcester Centrum. It looked like the. The Providence Civic Center. I'd love to play either one of those venues at some point. Never done it. It'd be cool. Especially, I think, Providence. I always forget, did I see Judas Priest at Providence or Worcester? It was my first concert. I can't remember. I think I saw him in Worcester. And then my next concert was AC DC on the who Made who tour. Speaking of which, With Loudness Opening up, which was a Japanese heavy metal band. And I think I saw them. But anyway, this. This arena, we drove by it, and Dean Del Rey freaks out. He's like, oh, man. He goes, I saw van Halen in.
- [17:04]
Bill Burr
81 on the fair Warning.
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Paul Verzi
I go, no, you didn't. He goes, yeah. I go, did Eddie have the Black and Yellow guitar? He's like, no, that was the Van Halen 2 tour. And then we're going like, you know, I think he buried that guitar with Dimebag and Da da Da. No, just had that great thing.
- [17:21]
Bill Burr
And he goes, yeah. And then I came back the next year, I saw A Cheap Trick.
- [17:25]
Paul Verzi
I was like, dude, I would kill to go in there. And he goes, let me make a phone call. So he knows somebody up here. Dean knows Dean Delray knows everybody.
- [17:33]
Bill Burr
So he calls him up, and two seconds later, because we were in the.
- [17:36]
Paul Verzi
Hotel next door, we just go. We just go in there.
- [17:42]
Bill Burr
The second I walked in there, I'm.
- [17:43]
Paul Verzi
Like, this literally looks like every. This is like a Randy Rhodes place. You know, this is all of those bands that I.
- [17:53]
Bill Burr
That.
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Paul Verzi
I mean, I. I never saw Randy with Quiet Riot or Ozzy Unfor. Like, he was gone by the time I was like, 14 or 15. And I. I didn't start going to shows Till I was 18, unfortunately. So I didn't get to see him. But anyway, I saw it. It was total, like heavy metal parking lot. If you've never seen that, it's incredible. Then they did a. That I ended up seeing. And the follow up was funny because there's a guy in the first one that he's dressed in this animal print thing, and he's just being how we all were back then. And they were asking about music and he's like, what are you? You know, he's just. Just being a kid. At one point they asked him, yeah, what do you think of Madonna?
- [18:41]
Bill Burr
He's like, ah, man, I.
- [18:43]
Paul Verzi
With Donna, he goes, she's a D. Dick.
- [18:49]
Bill Burr
So years later, they. They tried to find the people that.
- [18:52]
Paul Verzi
Were in that documentary, which, I got to tell you, was a really important documentary.
- [18:56]
Bill Burr
Even though it's.
- [18:58]
Paul Verzi
Yeah, am I catching a cold or am I just allergic to something in this room?
- [19:01]
Bill Burr
Oh, boy. Oh, Billy, run down.
- [19:06]
Paul Verzi
Oh, Billy, run down. But anyways, they caught up with the kid that said Madonna was a dick. And you could see he was a dad at that point. He was a responsible adult. And he was kind of like. He looked like he wasn't comfortable talking about it, which it was like, I get it. But then it's also like, dude, like, I'm not judging you. Like, I would have. I would have wanted to be friends with you, like, back then. Like, you were like. You were the fucking man. I wish I could have pulled off.
- [19:35]
Bill Burr
That fucking animal print spandex shit.
- [19:38]
Paul Verzi
I wanted to dress that way. I didn't have the nerve. Oh, Billy, redhead.
- [19:43]
Bill Burr
Coming down there, just trying to fit in. I learned early on I wasn't the Fonts. I was Richie Cunningham. I was taught that by a sitcom.
- [19:51]
Paul Verzi
You are not the cool person.
- [19:54]
Bill Burr
Over and over and over again with.
- [19:56]
Paul Verzi
The redhead, the redhead thing. I don't know how the fuck I ended up talking about that, but. Oh, yeah, going into that venue. So, you know, those guys were saying, like, you know, why don't you play here next time? Why don't you come up here and play?
- [20:14]
Andrew Themelis
Maybe I will.
- [20:14]
Jake the Snake
I don't know.
- [20:16]
Paul Verzi
It's a lot of fucking tickets, though. But there's. There's. I still want to do the Cow palace at some point. Like, which is another place. Which is funny. I never even knew about that place because I lived on the east coast. And then I just heard that every single band in the 80s, if you were selling tickets, you eventually played that place. And it just sounds cool as hell. And it's big and it's ugly. It's in the giant parking lot around it. Just, you know, it looks like what America looked like when I was growing up. Like when I grew up. I think that's why I love those old movies. They were like, you know, it was an eyesore. It was just, it was the post. What was it? It was post Vietnam, World War II, Industrial Revolution, the whole, all of that shit over the last hundred years, you know, had gone and then just dropped off and all these factories were closing and all of these buildings were old. There was just so much, so much, so many old buildings and houses. There wasn't like a lot of new construction. Like that racket didn't start. Like, I don't know when, like even like when I, when I moved to New York in 95, I mean, there was, there was some new there, but like just the level of new that it, that is, that came around from like 95 to 2007. When I left, they were just knocking down one iconic thing or one cool old place after another that's. Oh, you know. Yeah, they started the glass tower age where everything just has to be this glass fucking thing. And then real estate agents stopped looking like real estate agents. They started looking like they had their own TV show and, and then they had TV shows. And now there's the weirdness of that. Like, what do you think has more pressure to be in shape and good looking now? Being a movie star, if that even exists anymore, or being a fucking real estate agent?
- [22:41]
Bill Burr
I mean, even, even the fucking, you.
- [22:45]
Paul Verzi
Know, they're walking around with their tight ass clothes like the guys with their tight ass fitted fucking suits. And you just look at him, you're just like that real estate agent. That fucking real estate agent is in the gym every day and is eating like a microbiotic diet.
- [23:05]
Bill Burr
To go sell a split entry. One of the great things about being a real estate agent is you have.
- [23:15]
Andrew Themelis
A fucking donut, a cup of coffee.
- [23:17]
Bill Burr
Smoke a cigarette in your Ford Fairmont before you went into the Garrison colonial.
- [23:21]
Paul Verzi
And tried to sell the shag rug piece of shit to somebody. Now you got to go in there, you got to look like Brad Pitt's fucking understudy. Really is incredible. I will say this for around the world. You got to get. If you see an American that's fucking shredded, you know, you better give him or her their respect because our food supply is fucking poison to become fucking shredded in Europe. Oh my God, I'll never forget that fucking potato I had. The tomato I had in Italy. And a fucking potato I had in Paris. There wasn't even. It was just like a fucking afterthought. It was a plate filler. Like, that's what a fucking potato tastes like. Make sure you eat your vegetables. Vegetables taste like shit over here. Like, I love how they, like. They have, like, YouTube videos on. On how to, like, fucking wash the carcinogens off of the goddamn thing. I don't know which. I get it. I mean, you got to feed 350 million people. You got to do what you got to do, right? I guess. But, you know, they're going, too. They got to be going to genetically modifying things. The people that genetically modified our food, like, they. They. They should have been. They should have been put in the belly of the beast. Like, they deserve that death. I mean, they are like, terrorists. Terrorists. Anyway, I'm not gonna go down that depressing road again, Although I just did. Anyway, so I'm going to Modesto, and then I go to Stockton and then Visalia. And Stockton was the one that I was really excited about because I was saying how I saw the beginning of that movie Fat City, and I got the idea, or I learned how to, like, establish, you know, a setting for a movie by watching the beginning of that incredible movie. And. But I sort of Google Earth the place because I'm so excited to see what does it look like now versus what it looked like 50 years ago. And in that movie 50 years ago, you could see what it once was. And I'm happy to say I looked at it. It looks fucking nice. You know, once again, they built a bunch of glass shit there that nobody can afford. But, you know, it looks good when you walk down the street. That has been the great thing about riding up the. The 99 out here is in between these towns, some of the cars and trucks and that you're seeing one of these car shows, like, gas Monkey garage would have a field day. Some of the shit that you can pull out because, like, it's sitting here, it's in the sun or whatever, but, like, it's not rusted out the way it does back east. I've yet to see, you know, sort of what I feel like the holy grail truck, the cab over engine, the coe. I just fucking love those things. It's one of those things, like, for some dumb reason, you know, if you had all the money in the world, you buy it, and then you're like, two weeks later, like, why the fuck did I get this thing? Your wife's just shaking her head, and he Just. I know it's stupid.
- [26:55]
Bill Burr
It's fun. I'm having fun.
- [26:57]
Paul Verzi
Like, what do you want from me? I don't know what I'm doing. I got a hole in me. I. I gotta fill it up every day.
- [27:08]
Bill Burr
Well, don't.
- [27:09]
Paul Verzi
I do that. You do it from the moment I met you on. But you can't fix the. Before it happened.
- [27:20]
Bill Burr
I'm trying. What I did with you was I built a nice, emotional house next to.
- [27:25]
Paul Verzi
The sinkhole that I was in. That's it.
- [27:27]
Bill Burr
But the sinkhole's still there.
- [27:29]
Andrew Themelis
Don't go near it.
- [27:33]
Paul Verzi
Anyway, so this has been one of my. One of my favorite tours. I've done, like, these is just really, like. I got to be honest with you, at this point, how long I've been doing this, I'm coming up on 33 years. I don't know where it went. It's very rare that I get to go start. I go to places that I've never been to before. And on this run, Ojai, Vasalia, Modesto, and. And Stockton, I've never been. I. I've got six dates, and I haven't never been to four of them. So, like, I literally hit the hotel, and I just. Just start walking down the street just to look at it. And I always think of that Johnny Cash song that. I've been everywhere, man. I've been everywhere. And every time I listen to that song, there's a few more cities that I check off. But then by, like, the second verse, I'm like, jesus Christ. This guy. This guy did the. Those guys did the fucking road. They did the fucking road. They. They literally went everywhere. This fucking cities still in that song, I've never even heard of. I have no idea where they are, but I don't know. I should look those up one time. That's kind of fucking. That's kind of bullshit I have going on. That's kind of demons I have in my head that I would actually look up all of those cities and then chart them on a map just to occupy my fucking brain. And then once I checked them off, you know, I'd have to fight sending it to my agent and be like, all right, this is the next thing that I'm gonna focus on so I can keep coming out here. I'm gonna try to go to the rest of the cities in the Johnny Cash song. Cause I already did, like, all the sports arenas. I still have a few left. Fucking hockey keeps adding teams. All I had left was Carolina and fucking Utah. And now I Got not Utah, sorry, Seattle. And now they added a team in Utah, so I got that shit to do too. So anyway, is that it? I think that's it. I think that's the podcast, everybody. All right, so that shit I was babbling about, you know, God bless your political opinions and where you think this country should be going, but for the love of God, wherever you sit, you are not helping this country. Going online and trying to upset people or trying to politicize everything or, you know, thinking that if you go on there and you, you, you just say your political opinion, all you're doing is you're dividing us, you're dividing the locker room. And whether you know it or not, those people you're trying to piss off or the people that you fucking hate or you want to rub their nose in it because your color tie went over that one, you're making this place worse. And if you really love this country, you would stop doing that. And maybe, I don't know, you can focus on the handful of people that are the reason why we're at each other's fucking throats. All right, I'm off my freckled tree stump. Okay. All right, Enjoy the music. And then we're gonna have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Don't be a cunt on the Internet. All right.
- [31:17]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 21, 2016. What's going on?
- [31:25]
Andrew Themelis
How are you?
- [31:27]
Bill Burr
How's it going? Oh, I'm doing good, man. I hope you guys are do. Oh, it's a holiday weekend. Dooby doobie do in school to leap bop, you only have to work three days. Unless your boss is a fucking cunt. There's always other ones too. Or if you're fucking self employed or if you're not happy with your home life, you'll come up with a reason, right, to go back into work just to fucking avoid it. Yeah, you know what? This year, cuz, you know, we've been getting the fucking kitchen done. We don't have time to cook or anything, so we're actually going to Friends house for Thanksgiving, which is, which is great because they live in the same city as us so we don't have to go to the fucking airport, right? All these fucking people waddling around, you know those people just oblivious of other. You know, it's a great fucking human being just totally being all about yourself. Oblivious moment is when fucking people, you know, there's a whole herd of people just riding down an escalator. And people, like, the second they step off it, they don't keep walking and get the fuck out of the way. They just. They're just all fucking oblivious. It's like you, you. You were just on the escalator. There's 50 people in front of you, a hundred people behind you.
- [32:44]
Andrew Themelis
Touchdown, fucking Redskins.
- [32:48]
Bill Burr
Sorry, I got the game on. What a fucking throw. What the fuck is going on with the packers this year, man? I don't fucking get it. Anyway, sorry about the screaming there. You know, you got 50 people in front of you, got a hundred fucking people behind you, you know, and people are getting off, they're kind of meandering, and you're on the escalator thinking, go, go, get out of the way before we all fall down on each other, right? If you're any sort of a thinking human being going like, oh, assessing the problem. Well, when in fucking eight seconds, when I become that person, I'm going to get the fuck out of the way. So whoever the fuck is 20 people behind me will not be having this panic moment because of me. Going to become part of. Part of the solution, not the fucking problem. Right? I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point. I can't remember the point I was trying to make, but what. I know what I'm saying. Yeah, the kind of fucking people like, you know, what was I talking. Thanksgiving. That's right. Right. So we're gonna fucking. I have no idea what point is. You know what I mean? I just said a bunch of shit. I hope it was funny, cuz God knows there was no point. And I think that actually is the point of the Monday morning podcast for all you people out there, you know, who tend to take it unbelievably seriously. Those of you out there who think that I influenced the fucking election. Isn't that hilarious? $7 billion was spent to get Trump and all these fucking people a chance to get elected. But you know, that all goes out the window the second some fuckhead who can't even read out loud does a podcast. All out the window. I'll tell you if that's true. I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start charging more for my fucking advertising, you know what I mean? Maybe I'll use that as a selling point in 2017. Evidently, I was. I was the reason Trump got into fucking office. Oh, Jesus. Hey, hey, Trump supporters, You liking what you're seeing so far? Huh? You liking these fucking, you know, you thought Trump was old. Look at the fucking people he surrounded himself with. Jesus Christ, if they're not in a Nazi fucking movie, they're like 450 fucking years old. Rudy Giuliani. This is like when some old hair metal band gets back together again thinking they're gonna put out a fucking relevant album. You're not. It's over. You had your time. It's fucking done. You know what I mean? These guys are gonna get the fucking band back together and start singing about what? Huh? Girls in a strip club and the devil, maybe the PMRC or whatever the fuck people used to sing about back in the day. I don't pretend to know, you know, we were fucked either way. All these fucking people. By the way, I got to give a shout out to somebody, what's her name from Cosmopolitan magazine, Laura Beck. Calling out SNL for the horseshit that that was. That was that opening completely agreed. When they were singing the Woman who Plays Clinton, Hillary Clinton played alleluia. And it was kind of confusing, like, was this a tribute to fucking Leonard Cohen dying or what? Was this a political fucking statement? And she kind of called him out going, didn't you guys have Trump as a fucking host while he was running for president? And all of a sudden, you know, you helped promote the guy, didn't you? I mean, shit, if I did by trashing both fucking people, right? She actually said it was bullshit. It was fucking hilarious. It's a great read. I'll give you guys a link to it. But I mean, it's a TV show. That's what they do. They did that to a buddy of mine. They did that to fucking Dane Cook. They had him fucking host it twice. He made him a bunch of fucking monies with high ratings. Then all of a sudden, there's a little blip on the fucking Internet, you know, tide turns a little bit, and then they use him as a fucking cheap joke when he wasn't even. He wasn't even on the show. That's what they do over there. That's what they do in this business. They're not your fucking friends. See, that's why you know what you do? You stay where I stay, right in my little cave. You do a podcast by yourself, and then no one can hurt you anyways. So I. Every time I do a stand up special, you know, it ends up being a little bit too long, at least the last couple ones. So you start thinking, what if you take this out here? What if you do a little fucking thing here and you end up Fucking the whole thing up. What you really have to do is you just got it. You got to cut off a limb, you know, you got to remove a kidney. Basically you just got to take out a chunk. And I figured out what chunk it was going to be or I had an idea that that's what I wanted. And then the director, Jay had the same idea. We took it out and it flows and it went from a too long of a special. Now it's like fucking perfect. And now we're going to. And all I've seen at this point is just the raw feet of it. So it's not even like an HD and it looks way over lit. And I'm like, fucking pasty goddamn whitehead. I look like an asshole. And it still looks like a good. I'm very excited I got that done. F is for family. Second season, we're starting to fucking, you know, tighten these things down for the final fucking edit. And. And then next month I'm going to start the process of what should be a quick edit is editing the audio from when I did Madison Square Garden a year ago for the New York Comedy Festival. Sorry, hiccups. New York Comedy Festival. I didn't almost get emotional there. New York Comedy Festival. And then once I get. I get all that done right, then I'm just like, done. I'm done. I can just enjoy the rest of the year. I got nothing to do, really. Right? And then, then it starts all over again in January. You know, be nice if I did cardio for the rest of the week and just, you know, then I can throw down. That's another good thing about going to somebody's place for the holidays. They got to clean up, you know, you don't leave with a bunch of fucking food. It's gonna be good. I'm excited about it. And he wants me to make this fucking stuff. And I knew she wouldn't let me.
- [38:53]
Paul Verzi
Just go over there.
- [38:54]
Bill Burr
It's like, why can't I just be the 12 pack guy? You know? That's the best guy. You put on a sweater, right? You go over there, you make people fucking laugh. You show up with like a 12 or fucking whatever, whatever the fuck you want, you know, I tried this IPA lately and I'm really not an IPA guy. I go in and out of that shit I usually drink, just drink shit that's considered white trash beer. And because I just like getting fucked up, you know, I'm not into the taste. I just want to get fucked up, right? And I know what you guys are saying, well, those IPAs have a fucking high alcohol content. I don't give a shit. They're fucking. They're heavy. Fucking heavy as hell. But I tried this one. It was called the Green Line, and I got it. I don't even. Because they only had a couple beers at this place. It was this foofy fucking place, and.
- [39:41]
Paul Verzi
I just wanted a beer.
- [39:41]
Bill Burr
And they were. That's one of the only ones they had. I actually really liked it. Remind me, living in Boston, fucking going out to fucking Chestnut Hill and The Green Line, dude. Kenmore Square. Go to the fucking Socks. Richmond, dude, he's an ex.
- [39:55]
Jake the Snake
Cow.
- [39:55]
Andrew Themelis
Fisk.
- [39:58]
Bill Burr
Gary Allison. Oh, Jesus. There's a couple of Red Sox names from way back in the day. Anyways, I tried that shit. I actually really liked it. And I don't want you guys. I'm just talking in circles because I haven't been home, haven't been to my house in, like, fucking two months. And I've had it. Me and Nia have been living on top of each other. And, you know, I don't know about her, but I'm. I'm pretty sick of us being this close to one another. So hopefully Tuesday we get back in the fucking place. Oh, nice fucking throw. Aaron Rodgers over the top. DB complaining, say he fucking pushed off course. You're gonna say that. That's what you say when a guy fucking. When a tight end beat you that deep as a fucking corner. How the hell does that happen? How do you let that happen, I ask you guys? He pushed him within five yards. I think that was all right. Anyways, how about those Bruins, huh? Handling Winnipeg? I was all nervous. They're the top two scorers in the league. What do we do? We put fucking three of them. Three goals in the second period, right? Who scored? Fucking Mashon, fucking Bergie, Belsky, whatever the fuck his name is. And then. I don't know the fuck, Sweets. We actually went up four nothing one four to one. That's another thing. When I get back, I got my Bruins and Celtics package. I can start watching that shit so I can really start boring you guys with the sports talk. You know, I didn't see the Patriots game today because I've been running around. I haven't been spending time with my wife, so I took her out someplace today. She'll come on later, tell you all about it. And. But all I know is it's the usual shit. All my fucking friends who are Pats fans, like, dude, why'd we trade Chandler Jones? Why'd we get Rid of Jamie Collins. Our fucking defense stinks, dude. So I think it was, you know, what should have been an easy game, I guess, evidently, wasn't. But I didn't see any of that. I watched the boxing, though. Who the fuck? That Russian guy, that ego. Larry Aronoff. Was that his fucking name? Whoever was a real hacky Russian name was Sergey Kovalev, which is like every Russian guy in the NHL. He's either his first name is Sergei or his last name is Koval. That's really like the John Smith of Russian names. So he's fighting this American dude. So I got to go for the fucking American. And I gotta tell you something, the fucking first. First fucking round, all right? Ego Laurie Aronoff comes out. He fucking punches Andre Reed. Is that the guy's name or is that the guy in the Bills? I can't fucking remember. I'm not a big boxing fan. I love the sport. I love it, but it's been ruined. It's been ruined because every three pounds is a new weight class that has yet another fucking champion. And then there's like 15 different fucking boxing federations. It's a shit show. Like, there's more boxing divisions than there are podcasts. And I'll tell you that. Saints, some, because there's a lot of them out there. You know what I mean? When I was a kid, it was like. It was like flyweight. It was like flyweight, featherweight, middleweight, welterweight, heavyweight, something like that. I can't remember. I can't remember the fucking divisions now. I have things like. There's like 15 offshoots of each one of them. It's. You know what? It's like those superhero movies, like back in the day. Like, Superman was in a Superman movie, Batman was in a bat. They didn't fucking know each other. They weren't all hanging out at the same place. Maybe on the Super Friends, they were Super Friends. They did. At the hall of justice, but they. They only did that. They. They did that when they drew it. But they never had that in movies, you know what I mean? Superman was Christopher Reeves. That was his fucking shit. And see Batman, right? Who'd they have? They had Michael Keaton, remember that? And he was all sweaty in the locker room with just a towel around him, wearing the bat mask. And he got in the face of Val Kilmer, and he was like, that's right, Iceman. I am dangerous. And then Val said. Clicked his fucking teeth together. And then they all played volleyball. You know, when they were playing volleyball, Aquaman didn't Come out of the ocean, did he? You know what I mean? Looking at Batman being like, take my breath away.
- [44:20]
Nia Renée Hill
Doo, doo, doo.
- [44:22]
Bill Burr
You know, Kelly McGillis gets in her invisible jet. I can't remember the. I can't believe the fucking names I remember from that movie. I saw that movie a bunch of times. That was one that I owned on VHS when it could take a dank a woke. Whoa, whoa.
- [44:34]
Paul Verzi
Right?
- [44:35]
Bill Burr
I was in high school and everybody went and wanted to get a fucking ninja motorcycle and fucking fly F16s, you know, inverted. We all thought we were gonna do that. You know, there's. Every once in a while, like a movie comes out and you're like, you know what? I'm gonna fucking do that, right? And then what happens? You know what happens? Geometry, algebra 2 and trig, all of that happens. And then you're like, oh, oh, wait a minute. Wait, I thought. I think I was gonna fly jets.
- [45:01]
Jake the Snake
Is that what I thought was gonna happen?
- [45:03]
Bill Burr
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm gonna be a salesman, you know, I make people laugh. You know, I come into a room, I make people feel good. You got a product, I'll do it. Huh?
- [45:16]
Andrew Themelis
Are you sick of cutting potatoes like this?
- [45:19]
Bill Burr
What if you had that? I like the guy with the John Riggins fucking jersey in the crowd at the redskins game, man. 44 was always a badass number. That was always a fullback number. When I was growing up. John Riggins, Robert Newhouse, you know, Chuck Foreman, I think he was a running back.
- [45:39]
Paul Verzi
Was he 44?
- [45:40]
Bill Burr
That was a badass number. Reggie Jackson, you know, now this guy Starks, he's got a. That's a. That's a fucking legendary number. I wonder how many fucking hall of famers wore 44. I fuck that. How many fucking just, like skirts worth 44? Not a lot everybody ever wore 44 was a tough motherfucker, right? I like to think John Riggins broke my heart, man, because I was a big time Cowboys fan back then before. How about them Cowboys when they kicked out Tom Landry and Tech Shram? That was just the worst, you know.
- [46:16]
Paul Verzi
I thought Tom Landry was going to.
- [46:17]
Bill Burr
Be there forever, you know, I was young. I didn't know. I didn't know. People get old and it passes them by. It's up, right? And I hated the Redskins for beating the Cowboys so much that when they were in that super bowl, actually rooted for the Dolphins. And I hated the Dolphins because we could never beat them. And when Riggins broke through the line and whoever the fuck that was on the Dolphins, that Came by and just grabbed him by the waist and slid down him like a greased fucking pole. And he just kept running. That, dad, it killed me. Was it aj? Dewey? I don't fucking remember. Anyways, how much time have I done here? Is it time for the fucking regen? I don't think so. Hey, Nia, you want to come in here and tell people about your day? I gotta tell you this shit, right? So I haven't been, you know, I've been fucking busting my ass. You know, I was getting ready to do the special and then editing all that bullshit I talked about earlier. So, you know, if you don't spend time with your wife, all of a sudden your wife gets all upset with you, like, oh, you don't spend time with me. And boohoo hoo. I have fucking needs. Hey, Nia, who are you talking about? Just, I'm doing a character. What the fuck did I do with the mic? There's the microphone. There's the microphone. All right. Hello. Talk to me.
- [47:35]
Nia Renée Hill
Hello?
- [47:35]
Bill Burr
Talk to me, Goose.
- [47:36]
Nia Renée Hill
Hello?
- [47:39]
Bill Burr
So anyways, yeah, I haven't been spending time with you, so I figured today, you know what? I gotta go. I gotta do something. I gotta do something. So, yeah, I took my wife to go see Casablanca today while the Patriots were on. I got to get credit for that.
- [47:54]
Paul Verzi
Okay.
- [47:56]
Bill Burr
So I thought it was at this old theater I was telling you about these guys on, I think, Thursday I.
- [48:02]
Paul Verzi
Was telling them about it.
- [48:03]
Bill Burr
Like, there was. There was all these old theaters out here that I'm obsessed with, where they had the Oscars throughout the years.
- [48:08]
Paul Verzi
Yeah, I just think of all the.
- [48:09]
Bill Burr
Great, you know, comedians and actors and directors and everything that have been on them. I love that sense of history.
- [48:14]
Paul Verzi
Right?
- [48:15]
Bill Burr
So you got the Pantages, you got the fucking who's a more what's out in Santa Monica, Kodak Theater, all these fucking places. So I just remember that one from the 80s that I always saw. I guess it was in downtown la. Maybe that's the one down the other way. I don't fucking know. But I just looked them up and I was like, you know what? I'd love to do maybe a show there or I might want to do, you know, just go to something. And I looked up that one downtown, and it said there was just a bunch of orchestras there. And then it said it was Casablanca. I'm like, I fucking love Humphrey Bogart. I'll take Nia to go see that shit. So we go down and of course we show up in the theater. I want to Go into. There's nobody there. They're like, oh, yeah, yeah. It's not here. It's at the theater next door.
- [48:59]
Nia Renée Hill
This little old couple. So you go up and we're walking around the theater. It's completely deserted.
- [49:07]
Bill Burr
I'm already starting to curse up a fucking storm.
- [49:10]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah. Bill's already getting hot.
- [49:11]
Bill Burr
I'm going, fuck that. I was on the fucking website. I looked it up. I looked it up up twice. And I did. I looked it up twice.
- [49:18]
Nia Renée Hill
Couple who are walking with their little bonnets on.
- [49:22]
Bill Burr
Yep.
- [49:23]
Nia Renée Hill
Because it was raining outside.
- [49:24]
Bill Burr
Yep.
- [49:25]
Nia Renée Hill
Bill asked like, is. Is this where they're having the movie?
- [49:28]
Bill Burr
I was a little more frantic than that. Yeah. Like, you got. You guys coming from the movie. You're old. That was my energy.
- [49:35]
Nia Renée Hill
He said it was across the street at the concert hall. And you had a. You're one of your classic. You, You. You made the mistake, and so you start having a little meltdown.
- [49:49]
Bill Burr
I didn't make a mistake. Because if you look the fucking theater up and you look calendar.
- [49:54]
Nia Renée Hill
Okay. And it says it was at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.
- [49:57]
Bill Burr
No, you click on calendar events and then it just. It lists and it lists that. But I think the same person owns the theater. It's very fucking. You know, it's like buying a car.
- [50:06]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah.
- [50:06]
Bill Burr
We got it at this lot and all of a sudden you're down the street. It's like you're in Goodfellas a little further down.
- [50:11]
Jake the Snake
I don't know, Jimmy.
- [50:12]
Bill Burr
I think I'll pick it up tomorrow. That's what they did to me.
- [50:15]
Nia Renée Hill
Well, anyway, it was across the street at the Walt Disney Concert Theater.
- [50:19]
Bill Burr
This symphony looking thing that looked like a fucking exploded golf ball.
- [50:23]
Nia Renée Hill
It's designed by Frank Gehry. It's like one of the most impressive.
- [50:26]
Bill Burr
That's like the drummer from Extreme, isn't it?
- [50:29]
Nia Renée Hill
No, it's a very famous architect.
- [50:31]
Bill Burr
If you don't like what you see here. Get the funk out. What? Get the funk out. Get the funk out. Get the funk out. What are you. We won't try to. It's one of the whitest trying to be funky songs ever.
- [50:46]
Nia Renée Hill
Get the funk out.
- [50:47]
Bill Burr
That one. And then there's the something Big John.
- [50:52]
Nia Renée Hill
Is my name anyway.
- [50:55]
Bill Burr
It's my game. It's one of the worst songs.
- [50:56]
Nia Renée Hill
This building was one of the most, like, impressive, you know, pieces of architecture in Los Angeles. It's a beautifully designed space. And Bill is just like. I couldn't help but laugh at you because you were just muttering and cursing and stomping around in the rain. I don't want to go into this one.
- [51:15]
Bill Burr
I want to go into this theater. I hate that super modern shit. I've done shows in those stupid symphony fucking things. You feel like you're in front of, like, the council in one of those Superman movies where you're like, down. They're all fucking up above you when they're behind you. I fucking hate those things. So I was like, I don't want to fucking go into this thing. So I end up showing. But it's like, I got to take her to this thing. It's fucking raining out. So Nia's all like, well, we'll go to that theater another time when it's a different event.
- [51:43]
Nia Renée Hill
Trying to, like, calm you down. Cause it's not. We're going to another building. No big deal. You know, we're gonna go see. And then what happened? We go.
- [51:50]
Bill Burr
We show. So we show up, and I go, hey, can I get. And I literally said to you, go. Now we're gonna fucking go to this stupid ass fucking theater. It's probably in some small room. It's gonna be you, me, and four other old people. And the movie's almost ready to start, right? So we fucking show up. And I go up to the booth and I go, yeah, I need two tickets to Casablanca. And the person's like, oh, I don't know if there's any tickets left.
- [52:18]
Paul Verzi
And I'm like, what are you talking about?
- [52:20]
Bill Burr
It's raining. It's Sunday. Football's on. This fucking movie's like 80 years old.
- [52:25]
Nia Renée Hill
Who's gonna come see?
- [52:26]
Bill Burr
They're like, I don't know. I gotta check, right? And then she finally goes, well, you can't actually be found two. And I'm like, thank Christ. Trying to do something romantic here. It's not the right fucking theater. Now they're gonna be sold out. She goes, you gotta go down two windows. So I say, fine. I kept my cool there. There, right? The rain had rained enough on my steaming head that I walked over.
- [52:47]
Nia Renée Hill
That cooled you off a little bit.
- [52:48]
Bill Burr
Cooled me off a little bit. And I walk home, I go, let me get two. And they go, okay. And then the guy goes, okay, that's gonna be $161, right? I go, $161. He goes, each.
- [53:00]
Nia Renée Hill
And we both were like, wait, what.
- [53:02]
Bill Burr
Are you talking about? So it turned out, no way. So this is what it turned. It turns out. I think this is way too loud here. I gotta turn this down here. It turns out that what was happening was the la Philharmonic was going to be playing the film score while you watched the movie.
- [53:19]
Nia Renée Hill
It turns out this was a major LA cultural event that was basically sold out. Bill thought it was just gonna be a movie screening for a few old people and us. It turns out it's this major event.
- [53:35]
Bill Burr
Everybody's got on, like, sport coats and dresses and all dressed up. I'm sitting there, my wet hoodie going, $161.
- [53:45]
Andrew Themelis
What the.
- [53:46]
Bill Burr
Humphrey Bogart in there. What the going on, right?
- [53:49]
Andrew Themelis
We can view the.
- [53:50]
Bill Burr
View the body.
- [53:50]
Nia Renée Hill
Aaron Eckhart, like, inches, introduces the fucking movie.
- [53:54]
Bill Burr
Yeah. So you know. You know when you just don't give a. I just said it. So I light up the card and I go, let's go in there. And I start getting this feeling of like, this might be. This might be amazing. And then there's all these ushers walking around hitting these things that are going boom, boom. Like, letting people know that, you know, that whole. Like, you don't want to disturb rich white people, that things are about ready to start, whatever that instrument is called. And they fucking go in there. We go in there and like, it's like, holy shit. Like, we're gonna listen to the LA Philharmonic while we watched Casablanca. And how fucking great was it?
- [54:30]
Nia Renée Hill
It was amazing. It was such an awesome experience. So Bill kind of fumbled. Fumbled his way into a really amazing Sunday romantic day.
- [54:41]
Bill Burr
And I get no credit. I get no credit because I picked the wrong fucking theater. I just took. Totally stumped. So I can't even be like, huh? You see that with the orchestra? I picked that out on purpose. I completely.
- [54:55]
Nia Renée Hill
I feel like you definitely get points for you seeing that you saw something cultural going on. You're like, oh, that sounds cool. Like, Nene would like that. And we went. And it turned out to be amazing. So it was. It was great.
- [55:06]
Bill Burr
Yeah, Aaron, it was a Hail Mary. It wasn't even a Hail Mary.
- [55:09]
Nia Renée Hill
It was just like the actor came out and introduced the movie.
- [55:12]
Bill Burr
Oh, not the oil man. Is there another famous Aaron Eckhart?
- [55:16]
Nia Renée Hill
I don't know. Are you being sarcastic?
- [55:18]
Bill Burr
I'm being a dick right now.
- [55:19]
Paul Verzi
Was he in no Country?
- [55:20]
Bill Burr
Was he in no, no country, old man? He was in that. Get out of Here. In the Company of Men. Was that him?
- [55:28]
Nia Renée Hill
And he was in Sully.
- [55:30]
Jake the Snake
Sully, yeah.
- [55:30]
Bill Burr
He had the mustache.
- [55:32]
Nia Renée Hill
Yes, he was in that movie.
- [55:36]
Bill Burr
He was in that movie.
- [55:37]
Nia Renée Hill
Which.
- [55:38]
Bill Burr
That was a movie.
- [55:39]
Nia Renée Hill
That was a movie they made up.
- [55:42]
Bill Burr
They made. Evidently they made up all of this other shit.
- [55:45]
Nia Renée Hill
That movie was so fucking boring. Can I just say that you don't have to say it. I'll say it.
- [55:49]
Bill Burr
Ah, come on. It's Clint Eastwood. It was. Rappaport's in it. Jerry's in it. There's a bunch of our. Bunches.
- [55:54]
Jake the Snake
Yes, we had.
- [55:55]
Nia Renée Hill
Yes, we have friends that are in that movie. But that.
- [55:57]
Bill Burr
Oh, are we a Hollywood couple? Our friends are in it.
- [56:01]
Nia Renée Hill
That movie was so boring. Cause you know why? Because nobody. This sounds so terrible, but nobody died. Nobody got like. It was just.
- [56:12]
Bill Burr
He nailed it. He put it right where he was supposed to put it.
- [56:15]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [56:16]
Nia Renée Hill
There was no how.
- [56:17]
Bill Burr
Both my engines went out at 1500ft. Should I try to land it in the water or fly back over the most densely populated area in the United States?
- [56:26]
Nia Renée Hill
So he put it in the water. Everyone survived. The whole thing took in real life, 24 minutes for everyone to get rescued. It's like, what is the movie about?
- [56:36]
Bill Burr
Well, they had to have them have. They gotta have the evil corporate guys going. You couldn't save the jet.
- [56:41]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah.
- [56:42]
Bill Burr
Could you push some people out on the way over?
- [56:45]
Nia Renée Hill
It just wasn't exciting. Tom Hanks is a wonderful actor. All the acting was great in it.
- [56:51]
Bill Burr
I want to see him play a serial killer. I'm so sick of him always being. Doing the right thing.
- [56:55]
Nia Renée Hill
That's not his brand. That's not Tom Hanks brand. He's not a serial killer.
- [57:00]
Bill Burr
Did he die in Saving Private Ryan? Spoiler alert. Remember? He was just firing at the tank. You never saw that?
- [57:06]
Nia Renée Hill
No, it's not. I'm not into those kind of. I'm not into war movies.
- [57:09]
Bill Burr
It's not a war movie.
- [57:12]
Nia Renée Hill
Saving Private Ryan is not about a war.
- [57:14]
Bill Burr
No.
- [57:14]
Nia Renée Hill
And soldiers that die in it.
- [57:16]
Bill Burr
Well, I mean, that's literally what it. But it's more of a metaphor.
- [57:19]
Nia Renée Hill
It is?
- [57:20]
Bill Burr
Yeah.
- [57:21]
Nia Renée Hill
Saving Private Ryan is a metaphor.
- [57:22]
Bill Burr
It's a metaphor. Yeah.
- [57:23]
Nia Renée Hill
What is it a metaphor for?
- [57:24]
Bill Burr
Please explain.
- [57:26]
Nia Renée Hill
You don't even know what you're talking about. Do you even know what a metaphor is?
- [57:30]
Bill Burr
It's an incredible fucking movie.
- [57:32]
Nia Renée Hill
All right, I believe you.
- [57:34]
Bill Burr
All right. Okay. Well, you kind of just killed your credibility to say Sully's boring. And then you're like, yeah, I'm not into war movies. Saving Private Ryan is one of the most unbelievable movies I ever saw.
- [57:44]
Nia Renée Hill
Why does that kill my credibility? Just because I didn't like.
- [57:46]
Bill Burr
Because I said so.
- [57:47]
Nia Renée Hill
Oh, I see.
- [57:49]
Bill Burr
That's how it works.
- [57:50]
Nia Renée Hill
One thing has to do with the other.
- [57:52]
Bill Burr
I don't know. You've been bugging me lately.
- [57:55]
Nia Renée Hill
Why?
- [57:56]
Bill Burr
Yeah, I don't know. I don't Want to be a dick, but are you putting on weight?
- [58:00]
Nia Renée Hill
Excuse me?
- [58:01]
Bill Burr
You're like putting on weight. Every fucking month you're getting bigger. I keep telling you to fucking do something about it.
- [58:07]
Nia Renée Hill
I have a condition.
- [58:08]
Bill Burr
You have a condition? What is that condition?
- [58:10]
Nia Renée Hill
It makes me bigger and bigger every month. I'm having a baby.
- [58:18]
Bill Burr
Yeah, the Laugh Factory fucking tweeted that out. So I guess we gotta announce it. Yeah. I'm gonna be a fucking father.
- [58:24]
Nia Renée Hill
We're gonna be parents, everybody. Are you so excited for us?
- [58:29]
Bill Burr
Do you know what it is? They don't give a. I'm actually, I think people have been very.
- [58:36]
Nia Renée Hill
People who have, you know who you.
- [58:37]
Bill Burr
Are, who have already tweeted, stay offline, stay offline. Don't become that person. I feel like people care. Listen.
- [58:44]
Andrew Themelis
Why?
- [58:44]
Nia Renée Hill
Because it's gonna bring out all the people who have nasty things to say about it?
- [58:48]
Bill Burr
No, because people have lives.
- [58:50]
Nia Renée Hill
But people have been actually been very sweet.
- [58:53]
Bill Burr
What?
- [58:54]
Nia Renée Hill
What?
- [58:54]
Bill Burr
What? No. You know, you're watching those fucking. Those ladies screaming at each other too much. And the ones where they sit around. You know, one of the funny things I saw lately was when you. You had the fucking Kardashians on with the sound down.
- [59:06]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah.
- [59:06]
Bill Burr
So much of the footage is them just looking each other with their fucking mouth kind of open, like slack jawed. Because someone else is talking over the top, just going. I just feel like when Mandy said to Sandy that she, you know, she couldn't go during the nose job trip, I felt that she was upset. And as the person's talking, they just cut to their faces and they're like, I can't. It's a visual. They look like those little pouty cats.
- [59:31]
Nia Renée Hill
Okay.
- [59:33]
Bill Burr
I mean, okay.
- [59:34]
Nia Renée Hill
Where did that come from? I don't know what that has to do.
- [59:37]
Jake the Snake
I don't know.
- [59:37]
Bill Burr
I just want you to turn this into a Kelly Ripa moment, guys. And this is what we're. Wah. Just makes me feel like, you know, I'm starting to understand why Michael Strahan left that show. So anyways, yeah, it's official. It is confirmed. All right. No, it is. And I'm just. I'm not gonna be one of these fucking assholes.
- [60:00]
Nia Renée Hill
You're very, though.
- [60:00]
Andrew Themelis
You're like.
- [60:01]
Nia Renée Hill
You're begrudgingly talking about it and I understand why. I understand.
- [60:04]
Bill Burr
No. Cause I fucking hate parents.
- [60:07]
Nia Renée Hill
You hate parents?
- [60:07]
Paul Verzi
I hate.
- [60:08]
Bill Burr
Like, why the ones on, you know, this is the hardest fucking job, the most reward, like blah, blah, blah, and you know, and then they all say it. They all fuck. Even like Chuck Yeager would say some shit like that. It's like, really, dude, Flying a fucking jet up into space, like trying to get a kid's fucking backpack on for first grade is more difficult than what the fuck you just went through up there. You know what I mean? I think that they placate to fucking. Is that the right word to Joe Six Pack, where they gotta be the real heroes.
- [60:37]
Nia Renée Hill
Pander, Pander.
- [60:38]
Bill Burr
The real people out. The real heroes out there. The people out there, they're there, they're making the tuna fish sandwiches. They're cutting it into four fucking pieces. You had sex and you didn't use protection. That's what you did.
- [60:51]
Nia Renée Hill
Now here you are, all right?
- [60:53]
Bill Burr
You're not Tom Hanks pretending to land a fucking plane into the Hudson river, okay?
- [60:59]
Paul Verzi
You did.
- [60:59]
Nia Renée Hill
It's not exactly the Miracle on the Hudson. No.
- [61:06]
Bill Burr
So old Billy Boozebag's gonna get a couple more rights and lefts in before the little one comes. And then I'm going to be. I gotta. So I gotta pick my spots then.
- [61:15]
Nia Renée Hill
Is that. Is that the idea? Is that's what's been happening? That you've just gonna go on like a little bit of a bender?
- [61:20]
Bill Burr
Yeah, I've been on a bender the whole year.
- [61:22]
Nia Renée Hill
And then when the baby comes, you're gonna just, like, cut yourself off?
- [61:26]
Bill Burr
Yeah. I mean, what am I doing? Be hungover?
- [61:28]
Paul Verzi
I'm gonna be that guy.
- [61:29]
Nia Renée Hill
No, I hope not.
- [61:31]
Bill Burr
Yeah. No, I'm not gonna do that. No, it's. It's over. It's done. But then I got all this great hooch back at the house, so I gotta kill it. I gotta kill it before it comes.
- [61:40]
Nia Renée Hill
You have to, like, drink all the alcohol before the baby comes. It's not like you're never gonna have a drink.
- [61:46]
Bill Burr
I gotta make space for like sippy cups and shit, don't I?
- [61:50]
Jake the Snake
Wordle, wordle, wordle.
- [61:52]
Bill Burr
Sucking my bottles down.
- [61:53]
Nia Renée Hill
They're not gonna go on the bar, so you don't have to worry about making space.
- [61:58]
Bill Burr
You know what? I'll save some of my Pappy Van Winkles. One of the most spoiled kid ever. When the baby's teething, I'll rub Pappy Van Winkles on its gums. Yeah.
- [62:08]
Nia Renée Hill
Isn't that what you're supposed. Supposed to do? I don't know.
- [62:11]
Bill Burr
I don't know.
- [62:11]
Nia Renée Hill
Is that like. That's an old school thing?
- [62:13]
Bill Burr
But I'm already gonna do this shit, like, every time the kid cries. I'm not going in there. I'm gonna. There's this great book that I read on Norwegian parenting that says that, you know, when the kid starts crying, you just. You. You just kind of, you know, you creep up to the. The bed and then you kind of look and you just go, knock it off. And then that's it. You scare the shit out of it. And it understands what's going on. You're making fun of.
- [62:38]
Nia Renée Hill
What I told you was in the book that I'm reading, by the way.
- [62:42]
Bill Burr
It's 29, 24. Fucking Washington. Green Bay just scored. This is a great game. This reminds me one of those old San Diego chadgy games.
- [62:48]
Nia Renée Hill
Are you watching the football game while you're doing the podcast?
- [62:52]
Bill Burr
I don't know, I just. It's a. That's not a push in the back. Get the fuck out of it. Anyways, what are we talking about? Oh, yeah. Having a kid. Yeah.
- [63:02]
Nia Renée Hill
Only the biggest moment in our relationship ever, you know, no big deal.
- [63:06]
Bill Burr
Well, let's see what happens. Yes. We've been going to, like, fucking Lamaze classes and shit. Jesus fucking Christ. The classes have been great. The classes have been great. But this. This is how far the fucking progressive left has gone. There's a fucking line for when she comes in. It says, mom, will you sign up?
- [63:24]
Nia Renée Hill
And me, I'm thinking, finally, name of mother.
- [63:26]
Bill Burr
Name of mother. And then I'm like. And then my column, I'm like, I'm finally going to be called a dad after almost living on this planet for half a fucking century. And it just says, partner. Fucking ridiculous. And what kills me, is everybody in there heterosexual, all in a fucking relationship. Everybody there was.
- [63:44]
Paul Verzi
Was.
- [63:45]
Nia Renée Hill
There was all straight couples.
- [63:46]
Bill Burr
Straight couples. And all the dads were there.
- [63:48]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
- [63:50]
Bill Burr
And she keeps going, coaches, coaches.
- [63:52]
Nia Renée Hill
She keeps calling them coaches.
- [63:53]
Bill Burr
I swear to God, dude, I'm going to show up with a fucking whistle next week. The Bill Belichick hoodie. And what the are you talking about?
- [64:02]
Nia Renée Hill
She said, I get.
- [64:04]
Bill Burr
I get. Yeah, she's probably gonna get in trouble.
- [64:06]
Nia Renée Hill
She said, dad's twice last class.
- [64:09]
Bill Burr
I didn't hear it.
- [64:10]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah, you're too busy muttering under your.
- [64:12]
Bill Burr
Breath about every time she says coaches. I say fathers or fathers. I'm not trying to cut out gay people or people who got banged behind a Carl's Jr. You know what I mean? But what about us? That's the solution. I thought it's inclusive. You're supposed to include people. I'll take second or third billing behind alternative people.
- [64:33]
Nia Renée Hill
What did you think of that birthing video that we watched the last class?
- [64:38]
Bill Burr
Oh, Paulie's Placenta. Yeah. That was tremendous. I don't even know why I'm there, Nia. It's all gonna go out the fucking window. The doctors and nurses are gonna tell you what to do. I'm just there for you to fucking yell at me. It's so fucking stupid. If I was going through gallbladder surgery or whatever, you would not be in there holding my fucking hand. It's so dumb.
- [65:00]
Paul Verzi
This is just classic, you guys.
- [65:02]
Bill Burr
You know, you got the shit end of the stick on this thing, and somehow you figured out a way to drag us in there. I'll tell you right now, I'm staying north of that fucking sheet. Yeah. And when that guy comes in and goes, hey, hey, you want to hook up your own cable? No, I don't. That's what the fuck I'm paying you for.
- [65:18]
Nia Renée Hill
I don't want you to be below the blanket.
- [65:21]
Bill Burr
Below deck.
- [65:22]
Nia Renée Hill
You don't need to be below deck.
- [65:23]
Bill Burr
So I'm having performance problems for the next three months. Cause I keep picturing my kid's head coming out of your twat. No, I'm not doing that. I shouldn't be in there. My fucking in mash.
- [65:33]
Nia Renée Hill
You said after you. No, but you said after you watched the movie, you leaned over to me and you said, I understand now why the guy is in there. You did?
- [65:43]
Bill Burr
Yeah, to get yelled at.
- [65:45]
Nia Renée Hill
No, that's not what it was. It was to provide comfort.
- [65:50]
Bill Burr
You're killing my fucking image here. Okay?
- [65:52]
Nia Renée Hill
Stop showing your image, dad. Now get over it.
- [65:58]
Bill Burr
Your image. No. So I want to be. Yeah, I'm going to be a sober dad, but on the road. Hold him. Ripping it up, you know? Yeah.
- [66:07]
Nia Renée Hill
Oh, just like every other comic out there, you fucking hack.
- [66:15]
Bill Burr
I told you my last podcast, I was going for a Boston accent word. And I realized that I was going to get in trouble if I said it so that I had to switch to cunts. I was like, all right, I'll talk to you later, you fucking cool. Ben Bailey looks at me, he's like, quants. I was like, it's a new day. I'm going to get in trouble if I say I don't mean anything by it.
- [66:38]
Nia Renée Hill
So, yeah, don't end up like Kanye and have everybody be mad at you.
- [66:45]
Bill Burr
Oh, he's gonna be fine. He knows what the fuck he's doing. He was yelling. I'll be honest with you. I don't understand those shows anyways. There's no band. Everybody's standing with their cell phones on, and there's somebody rapping and then they just stick in the mic. It's. It's for young kids. They love it. And I'm not gonna go there like, you think this is music? I'm not gonna be that guy. Stay away from them. I'm gonna go see Casablanca in the rain with a bunch of old people. By the way, Nia.
- [67:15]
Nia Renée Hill
Yes.
- [67:15]
Bill Burr
Did you see during the break those old people trying to walk? Holy fucking shit. I cannot stress stretching and getting a massage if you can afford to do it once a month. Geez.
- [67:27]
Nia Renée Hill
And that was a lot of hunched over people.
- [67:28]
Bill Burr
Yeah, a lot of people roughly my age, too, having limps and like, what the do you guys do, you know? Look, some of them probably fought in a war.
- [67:37]
Paul Verzi
Who's kidding who?
- [67:37]
Bill Burr
But I'm just saying, generally speaking, you know what I mean?
- [67:39]
Nia Renée Hill
I know. Maybe we should give them a break, dude.
- [67:42]
Bill Burr
They didn't all fight in a war. You know what I mean? They weren't all on the front lines is what I'm saying. A lot of those people were peeling potatoes and they're still limping. That makes no sense. All right, let me. Let me read a little bit of advertising here. Potatoes in this, peeling potatoes there. All right, all right. You want to answer a few questions before we get the fuck out of here?
- [68:01]
Nia Renée Hill
Sure.
- [68:02]
Bill Burr
Before we get the out of here. What's the score of the game, Mia?
- [68:08]
Nia Renée Hill
I didn't buy myself that watch that I have, by the way.
- [68:10]
Bill Burr
Huh? I didn't say you did. You just taking the bait knee? I'm just breaking your fucking ovaries over there. What is the score to the fucking game? I'll just show them the highlights.
- [68:20]
Paul Verzi
All right.
- [68:20]
Bill Burr
Hey there, Billy Clairvoyant. You probably didn't notice this because I doubt you listen back to your own podcast, but there have been throwback parallels.
- [68:28]
Paul Verzi
I actually listen to my podcast as I upload them.
- [68:30]
Bill Burr
I'm just listening to them, you know? I don't know why I do.
- [68:34]
Nia Renée Hill
He loves the sound of his own voice.
- [68:38]
Bill Burr
That's not true. I've learned to love it when you first hear your own voice. You don't like it now I can't live without it. I walk around with headphones in my house just listening to my own podcast. When Andrew cuts together the clips he uses, the same date from eight years ago last Thursday, was from November 17, 2008. Oh, he told me he does that. That's cool. He said in that episode, you made a reference to Cash Cab, which was hosting, which was hosted by your guest this week, Ben Bailey. Also a couple Weeks ago, when you first mentioned watching Westworld, the throwback clip had you mention the original Westworld once again. Eight years ago to the.
- [69:16]
Paul Verzi
To the day.
- [69:16]
Bill Burr
Yeah, back then, that's when I wanted to buy the rights to it till I realized it was zillions of dollars. And I was like, oh, forget it. Bye bye, everybody. I had my whole representation all excited like, is he gonna do something like this? Are we gonna get a piece of this? And I was like, oh, that's too much money. He said, I'll be on the lookout for more of these in hopes to exploit your magic. Love you love Nia. Well, that's all.
- [69:41]
Nia Renée Hill
Love you too, boo.
- [69:43]
Bill Burr
That's all due to what's his face. Andrew.
- [69:47]
Paul Verzi
Andrew.
- [69:47]
Bill Burr
Like, I think he tries to find like the parallel. So that's his homework, not mine. All right. Thanksgiving recipe. Hey there, Billy White meat. I like that. Billy White.
- [69:59]
Nia Renée Hill
Bill Burr. The other white meat.
- [70:01]
Bill Burr
The other white meat. Hey there, Billy white meat. What are you going to teach us to cook this year? If I don't get another cooking video like the pie crust masterpiece, I'm boycotting the season. I'm the single one of my siblings. And last year I showed up with the pie and waited till everyone was done to let them know I made it. Then I showed them your video and we had some full, fully belly laughs. Full. I think full belly laughs is what you want to say. Don't let me make. Don't let me make. Let my family down. Don't let me let my family down by letting me down. Okay, thanks for all the free laughs.
- [70:36]
Nia Renée Hill
Hearing you get through that sentence, I.
- [70:39]
Bill Burr
Know my eyes are always 10 words ahead of what I can remember.
- [70:44]
Paul Verzi
I think that's what happens.
- [70:45]
Bill Burr
Or maybe I'm just dumb. It's gonna be sad when our kid's a better reader than me. Fuckin six months in, our baby's gonna.
- [70:55]
Nia Renée Hill
Teach you how to read. He's gonna read you a book at night.
- [70:58]
Bill Burr
Oh, yeah. Whenever I've read to like my nieces and nephews, like there's a point when they stop looking at the book and they just turn around and look at me. And then it's like more pressure and I'm literally reading like the rabbit goes hop, hop, hop, hop. It doesn't go hop, it. It hops. A cow goes moo. Maybe that helps you out there. Fucking old and bald. Well, I feel like last year, like making a pie crust was like a real fucking skill that I had. Like, I don't know what else to show you guys how to make, you know, if Nia lets me get this fucking griddle that I want to get.
- [71:34]
Nia Renée Hill
Oh, my God, this griddle.
- [71:36]
Bill Burr
Oh, my God, this fucking griddle. It's like you love when I cook, but you don't want to. You don't want to. You know what I mean? It's like you like your freedom, but you don't want to see how it happens. You're the same way with food, you know? Touchdown, fucking Redskins. God damn it.
- [71:49]
Nia Renée Hill
Because I don't. What. What are you trying to do here? You're trying to get, like, every fucking invention that has to do with cooking or grilling or smoking or. Or frying. You want to buy it, and it's just like, where are we going to put all this shit?
- [72:02]
Bill Burr
Okay. List all the shit that I've bought.
- [72:05]
Nia Renée Hill
I'm not saying that you've bought it all. I'm saying that you want to buy it all.
- [72:08]
Bill Burr
And why. I do want to buy it all. And why haven't I bought it all?
- [72:12]
Nia Renée Hill
Because there's no room for it.
- [72:14]
Bill Burr
And who determined that?
- [72:17]
Nia Renée Hill
I mean.
- [72:17]
Bill Burr
Oh, another missed extra point. Who determined that, Nia? You decided that.
- [72:25]
Nia Renée Hill
I thought it was a mutual.
- [72:27]
Paul Verzi
It wasn't.
- [72:28]
Nia Renée Hill
All right?
- [72:29]
Bill Burr
I had a buddy of mine was gonna hook me up with a smoker Pellet. Smoker. You said no?
- [72:35]
Nia Renée Hill
Well, because he tried to act like. He told me it was the size of a. Of a typewriter.
- [72:39]
Bill Burr
He was doing me a solid.
- [72:41]
Nia Renée Hill
Then when he actually showed it to me, he was like, come here. Let me show you. Let me show you what it looks like. And then I looked at it, and I'm like, in what universe is this the size of a typewriter?
- [72:50]
Bill Burr
It was the size of a. I.
- [72:52]
Nia Renée Hill
Said, it's a sewing. Like a sewing machine. He goes, oh, yeah, yeah. It's more like a sewing machine. I'm like, a sewing machine that's not a typewriter.
- [72:57]
Bill Burr
Can I tell you something, Nia?
- [72:59]
Paul Verzi
That's why guys are great.
- [73:00]
Bill Burr
That's why I love that dude forever. Because, you know, we do that for each other. I don't know if women do. I won't speak for you guys, but guys do that for each other. It's the size of a wall.
- [73:10]
Nia Renée Hill
We need a kitchen the size of his kitchen in order to do all the things that you want to do.
- [73:16]
Bill Burr
Yeah, it's our kitchen. It's a portable thing. It's on fucking wheels. It's in the back. But we got, like, three fucking tables in the backyard, and I can't get rid of any of those tables. For the fucking potato salad.
- [73:27]
Nia Renée Hill
You know, every piece of furniture I put in the backyard has a function, and we have used it in that function. That doesn't make any sense, but you know what I mean.
- [73:37]
Bill Burr
No, what you're doing is you've become the dictator of the fucking backyard. You're the woman. I own the backyard. I own the fucking garage. If we had a basement, that's my shit. You can have the rest of the fucking house.
- [73:49]
Nia Renée Hill
All right, so what are you saying?
- [73:53]
Bill Burr
I'm saying I'm getting that griddle.
- [73:54]
Nia Renée Hill
Okay.
- [73:58]
Bill Burr
All right.
- [74:00]
Paul Verzi
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- [74:03]
Bill Burr
Yeah, you're gonna say that until I make you a nice steak and cheese or make some hash browns or make you a grand slam breakfast. I got my. I got my.
- [74:13]
Nia Renée Hill
You've been making all those things without the griddle. Talented guy, right?
- [74:17]
Bill Burr
So.
- [74:17]
Nia Renée Hill
Exactly. So what do you need all this other stuff for if you're so talented?
- [74:21]
Bill Burr
Cause just imagine how good it would taste if I actually had a fucking griddle. Even those fucking stoves that have a griddle if the thing sucks because it's. It's one heat source. So you can't. You can't have difference. You can't move it around. You can't play with your heat. It sucks. It's like, this is the temperature. It's a pain in the fucking ass. And it's one thing if you got a pot or a pan, you can take it on the heat, take it off when you're on your griddle. You know, you want one on, one off, and maybe one a little bit on.
- [74:47]
Nia Renée Hill
Why don't you just get one of those little electric griddles, like the little.
- [74:51]
Bill Burr
What am I, a freshman in college?
- [74:52]
Nia Renée Hill
Once you can put on your counter.
- [74:54]
Bill Burr
Well, you. When you divorce me. Oh, that's too sad to say. If you ever do that.
- [74:58]
Nia Renée Hill
Say that.
- [74:58]
Bill Burr
You ever do that?
- [75:00]
Nia Renée Hill
You ever say that?
- [75:01]
Bill Burr
Because you're asking me as a grown man to buy divorcee kitchen products. Are you talking about divorce? Yeah. I'll go to McDonald's and grab some extra packets of ketchup for in the future when I need more ketchup. I've done all that, Nia. I've used chairs for tables. I ate pasta all fucking day. And pancakes. I've done all that. Yes, I'm done.
- [75:20]
Nia Renée Hill
Yes, we know.
- [75:21]
Bill Burr
Yeah, yeah. You sick of my self made man shit? It annoys you, doesn't it?
- [75:26]
Nia Renée Hill
I would eat spaghetti with the prego and the bread because it would fill me up and it would last me all night.
- [75:33]
Paul Verzi
That's right.
- [75:34]
Nia Renée Hill
Do all my spots And I would eat pancakes because it kept me the most full when I was.
- [75:38]
Bill Burr
Filled me up like cement. And you know what? I'm doing that for the fucking people out there, women included, who want to be. Want to fucking make something happen. And food's a big thing because you got to fucking have it every day. So you got to have that shit that fills you up. All right? Listen, don't let this little ray of sunshine fucking rain on your parade, okay? I'm here for all you guys. I'm the positive guy. I'm the motivational speaker. Hey, speaking of motivational, what the fuck's going on with the P90X guy? He become a vegan or something? Well, first of all, he's not doing P90X anymore. He's got a different thing. Late night.
- [76:08]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah.
- [76:09]
Bill Burr
Yeah, but now Tony Horton, he's looking a little like he's not doing his pull ups anymore.
- [76:13]
Nia Renée Hill
He's getting older.
- [76:16]
Bill Burr
He's looking like. I don't know, he's looking all veggie. Anyways, so I don't know what I'm going to make this year.
- [76:25]
Nia Renée Hill
I told. Oh, you mean for the people?
- [76:29]
Bill Burr
For this guy here? Yeah. You want me to. I'm not showing my family secret family recipe of the best stuffing you're ever gonna have. Admit it. Most people stuffing sucks.
- [76:37]
Nia Renée Hill
This stuffing that Bill makes, oh my God, it's so delicious.
- [76:41]
Bill Burr
And I've never had good. That's the only stuffing I've ever had that I even like.
- [76:44]
Nia Renée Hill
It's Me too. I don't ever like stuffing.
- [76:46]
Bill Burr
I don't like it. It's too wet and it. Or it has that bad aftertaste.
- [76:50]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah, this is nice and crispy and like buttery. Oh, it's so good.
- [76:54]
Bill Burr
Yeah, like when you got. You got that barbecue the other night, you didn't like the cornbread. They put that weird ingredient in there. Ah, fumble. You so and so.
- [77:06]
Nia Renée Hill
Read another question.
- [77:07]
Bill Burr
Damn it. When the did I become such a Packers fan? There's just certain old NFL teams I like. I actually like the Giants. Can you believe that? After what they did to my Patriots twice. One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. All right. Hey there, old Billy Bibbit.
- [77:25]
Nia Renée Hill
That's funny.
- [77:25]
Bill Burr
Who's Bibbit?
- [77:26]
Nia Renée Hill
There's a character and One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest.
- [77:29]
Bill Burr
Oh, shit, what's his face downstairs there? An old friend of mine.
- [77:34]
Nia Renée Hill
Oh, yeah.
- [77:35]
Bill Burr
Has gone so far down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories that he really can't even function in society anymore. Oh, that's relatable. Tell him to start telling jokes. He's. He is unable to hold a conversation for two minutes without going off on some rambling horseshit about chemtrails, freemasons, aliens and all of that crap, completely oblivious to the fact that none of us are interested in hearing about all that nonsense he reads on the Internet. It used to be funny. We were driving out west a few years back, and he pointed out at some lights moving up in the sky and said, those are the aliens that follow me around. Oh. Oh, this sounds like a mental issue, dude. I said, what does that sign on the right said? He said, airport, next exit. And I said, yeah, those are airplanes, you jackass. And he said, well, maybe some of them. Wow. He goes, okay. It's been over a decade of that kind of shit, and it's gotten way, way worse. Because of this obsession and the resulting paranoia, he can't even hold down a menial job and all of his friends have abandoned ships. He become addicted to painkillers. I think he already had a mental issue, man.
- [78:46]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
- [78:47]
Bill Burr
Has been in and out of rehab centers and hospitals because of bizarre health problems and is now bordering on full blown schizophrenia.
- [78:54]
Nia Renée Hill
That sucks.
- [78:55]
Bill Burr
Well, you don't get that from reading Conspiracy Theory, sir.
- [78:57]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah, you really kind of did a fucking bait and switch here with this question. That whole thing in the beginning was just like a red herring. It turns out he's got, like, serious mental problems.
- [79:07]
Bill Burr
What's a red herring? It's just. It's just a distraction.
- [79:09]
Nia Renée Hill
Exactly. It's something that you think is the cause of. You know, I'm not gonna explain it right, because I'm tired, but.
- [79:17]
Bill Burr
Oh, I gotta use that excuse Sometimes when I use an expression that. Oh, Jesus. Defense.
- [79:23]
Nia Renée Hill
My brain is mush.
- [79:25]
Bill Burr
Ah, Christ. How many points does Aaron Rodgers gotta put up? You know, it's like Tom Brady. Same thing. How many points you gotta score? You just gotta know. Defense, I want to respect his right to believe what he wants to believe, but in the end, it has only caused him to lead an increasingly miserable and lonely life that will end in a tragedy and a sparsely attended funeral unless something changes soon. So how the fuck do you bring someone back from so far over the edge? Okay, well, he might be exaggerating a little bit with the. Maybe he's using schizophrenia as, like, a fucking filler word there. Like, you know, this guy's a narcissist. This guy's a sociopath.
- [80:03]
Nia Renée Hill
No, but this sounds like paranoid schizophrenia. Schizophrenia. This is exactly what.
- [80:06]
Bill Burr
Oh, Dr. Hill, are you gonna diagnose that on this fucking wonderfully written fucking email.
- [80:10]
Nia Renée Hill
Unfortunately, a member of my family who went through this exact thing, I do feel that I recognize it a little bit. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
- [80:18]
Bill Burr
Okay, but do you feel like that you can make that diagnosis as someone who is not a doctor?
- [80:23]
Nia Renée Hill
No, of course.
- [80:23]
Bill Burr
Is not a comedian, is not even a podcaster, that you can on a podcast done by a comedian as not a doctor. Diagnose this person that you've never met based on this 4 paragraph.
- [80:34]
Nia Renée Hill
Email me to come in here. So I'm giving my opinion.
- [80:37]
Bill Burr
I thought you were going to start a song. You asked me to come here. Are you annoyed that that lady singing about all the ingredients? You get annoyed when black shit goes fucking mainstream and then white people ruin it. Well, I got peas, greens, tomatoes, potatoes, that shit.
- [80:56]
Nia Renée Hill
You name it.
- [80:57]
Bill Burr
Yeah, that thing you. David, I swear to God, if that's.
- [81:04]
Nia Renée Hill
What my church had a nice little week long run before everyone else.
- [81:07]
Bill Burr
If that's what my church was like, I would go every week if it was only a half hour long. I just can't get into the fucking. I like the singing part in black churches, but even when the priest, regardless of race, when they get up there and they start saying that this invisible guy gives a shit about me, that's. I just. I tap out. I just can't listen to it.
- [81:29]
Nia Renée Hill
Anyway, he wants you to have.
- [81:31]
Bill Burr
Jesus. Jesus wants you to have that second flat screen downstairs.
- [81:36]
Nia Renée Hill
Your friend needs professional help. You're not gonna be able. I like Joel Osteen. He's a very positive guy.
- [81:43]
Bill Burr
Well, you know something? He's been out there long enough that you'd think if there was a scandal, it would come out by now, right?
- [81:48]
Nia Renée Hill
Mm. This. Your friend needs professional help. This is beyond your. This is beyond your pay grade.
- [81:57]
Bill Burr
Jesus, don't shit on the guy. He might have just been being funny just because.
- [82:00]
Paul Verzi
No, no, no, no.
- [82:00]
Nia Renée Hill
I'm not shitting on him. I'm saying that his friend needs help and this is not anything that he is qualified to do, so. Cause he's.
- [82:07]
Bill Burr
That's a much nicer way of saying than saying it's beyond your pay grade. Hey, buddy, why don't you go pick up your broom and keep sweeping up. This is the job of people with lab coats.
- [82:19]
Nia Renée Hill
Hold on a second. But what is he. He said, like, I respect his right to believe what he wants to believe, but in the end, da, da, da, da. Yeah, I don't even think he necessarily maybe even believes it. He's just got yeah. He's become addicted to painkillers, have been in and out of rehab centers and hospitals because of bizarre health problems. Yeah. Is now bordering on full blown schizophrenia. Yeah. I think you just gotta be there for him, but maybe just check in on him and say, hey, are you taking your meds? Are you going to see your doctor? That type of thing. But you're. I don't think you're gonna be able to, like, help him with this.
- [82:53]
Bill Burr
This is on you.
- [82:55]
Nia Renée Hill
Is that what I just said?
- [82:56]
Bill Burr
Yeah. You know what's fucking cool as shit? The Redskins still have a band and they actually have a team song. I think that's fucking cool. At the professional level, for some reason.
- [83:07]
Paul Verzi
That all went away.
- [83:08]
Nia Renée Hill
I hope our baby doesn't get your add.
- [83:11]
Bill Burr
Why? It's worked great for me.
- [83:13]
Nia Renée Hill
Has it?
- [83:14]
Bill Burr
Yeah. Yeah, it has.
- [83:19]
Nia Renée Hill
You name it.
- [83:22]
Bill Burr
I play drums, fly helicopters, tell jokes, you name it. ADD is a fucking great thing to have. It sucks with some shit, but it's.
- [83:34]
Paul Verzi
It's.
- [83:35]
Bill Burr
It sucks when you're in school and you're gonna do poorly in school and everyone's gonna say you're fucking dumb. But when you get out in the world, man, it's fucking tremendous. It's tremendous. I know. I run around all day long.
- [83:49]
Nia Renée Hill
Have it very. So you don't have it, like, severely, though you are able to.
- [83:52]
Bill Burr
You just fucking. You just get, you know. Even got the lab glasses on tonight. Just fucking diagnosing everything. How do you know what I have it is.
- [84:01]
Nia Renée Hill
Remember when we tried to do that ADD questionnaire and you couldn't even pay attention long enough to answer the question?
- [84:10]
Paul Verzi
Yeah, but part of that was because.
- [84:11]
Bill Burr
I was annoyed with it. You want to revisit that real quick?
- [84:14]
Nia Renée Hill
No.
- [84:15]
Bill Burr
Doing oldie but goodie. All right. Bill. My kid is 14 years old and he wants a drone for Christmas. The drone market is huge with kids these days. When I was a kid, we wanted to fly something for the sake of flying it. Now they all have cameras attached to them and they hover in a real creepy way. He's not a punk, so he won't fly Flip out. If he doesn't get one. His friends have them, so it's not like he'd never use one. If I did get him one. He's not the type of kid to fly it up to someone's window, so that's not the concern. I'm coming from a place like, if I didn't want him to get an earring more of. Don't be that kid. I might be overreacting. But that's just something. But there's just something about drones. What do you think? Congrats on the condition. Thank you. I would say, I agree with you.
- [85:03]
Nia Renée Hill
No drones.
- [85:04]
Bill Burr
No drones with the cameras. That's too much. The, the I would have done. I would have the hottest chick in the neighborhood. I would have had it out there, hovering. Hovering near a bathroom. Of course you would.
- [85:19]
Nia Renée Hill
If he's not, then his friends are going to. His friends are going to be like, let's just take it over here and just see.
- [85:24]
Bill Burr
And this is the thing, you know, that the person watching is jerking off if it immediately crashes.
- [85:31]
Nia Renée Hill
So. So kids are really using drones? Like, are they. Is that the hot gift this Christmas is a drone for a teenager?
- [85:42]
Paul Verzi
I mean, it's.
- [85:43]
Bill Burr
It's an amazing thing. It really is. I mean, I can't imagine, like just flying over a neighborhood to see what your neighborhood looks like from the air or your house. All of that would be cool. But the possibilities, the shit that you could do with those things with a juvenile brain, I don't know. I would be nervous. One of the best things my parents did was they never let us play video games. They never let us play it. You're not getting that it's gonna fuck with your schoolwork. You know what's funny is I still fucked up in school. But the great thing is, is I'm not a fucking 48 year old gamer. You know, like, I just think that's. That's really, like.
- [86:24]
Paul Verzi
You know, I kind.
- [86:25]
Bill Burr
Of judge that shit. Like after a while, like, like, what are you doing? You know what I mean?
- [86:29]
Paul Verzi
Don't you want to go outside?
- [86:32]
Bill Burr
Like, the amount of time that people spend, you could learn a language, you could learn how to play an instrument. I'm literally doing what every adult says. You could go out and do the things that I find interesting. Fuck. If you're into video games, go ahead and play it. But I'm glad that I didn't because I wasted enough time watching fucking sports. I can't imagine. Because I told you I've always said I tapped out. After Grand Theft Auto 3, it literally took over my life. I'm so sick of this fucking commercial where they show the Ford F150 with the aluminum bed and it has. It doesn't have any bed liner and they drop the fucking toolbox into it. And then they show the Chevy with the steel one. This is such bullshit advertising. What it really is is I bet the Ford gets better gas mileage because it has a lighter bed. And then all you do is just put that. The same rubber guard that comes in all pickup trucks. What kind of a fucking asshole buys a pickup truck and you don't have the bed liner? Get the fuck out of here. Fuck Chevy. Even though I like the Silverado. All right, Thanksgiving debacle. Old Billy Turkey Legs.
- [87:28]
Nia Renée Hill
Don't get your kid a drone if you don't want them to have the drone. You're the parent.
- [87:33]
Bill Burr
All right. Was that another ADD moment? Did I leave it there? I'm in a little debacle with my lady about Thanksgiving. I want my girl to come to my Thanksgiving, but it starts, like, only an hour before hers. I'm in a little bit of a debacle for my lady about Thanksgiving. I want my girl to come to my Thanksgiving, but it starts only an hour before hers. But they are in the same time town, mind you. Mine's at my aunt's house and hers is at her parents. Mine starts at 12. Her starts at 1:30. I want her to come to mind for a little bit before hers, but she's not having it because she's got to help her mom cook. Well, this is easy. So you just say you'll be over there at fucking 1:30 and you're just.
- [88:14]
Paul Verzi
Gonna make an appearance.
- [88:15]
Bill Burr
What's she gonna make you not see your family on Thanksgiving? He said, on one hand, I'm super salty and want to be a huge. And want to make a huge deal about this because I really want her there and I think she's being selfish. But on the other hand, I understand she's got to help her mom cook and stuff. At least that's her excuse. I know she loves her family, but it really pisses me off because she's never been to my family.
- [88:36]
Paul Verzi
Shit.
- [88:37]
Bill Burr
But I've got. I've gone to plenty of hers. Her defense is that she's never made me miss any of my family gatherings to go to hers, but my family is a bunch of nutjobs, and you get the point. Oh, Billy Burnt Dick. I could use some words of wisdom. I'm a huge fan. Thanks, and go fuck yourself. Happy holidays. Huge fan. Well, I mean, this is all you're doing so you can undo all of this. All right? You know, you just got to put your foot down. Just say, listen, I respect. I understand you got to help your mother cook. But you know, I want to see my aunt, my family on Thanksgiving. So I will go over there. I'll be there for an hour, all right? And then I'll be over here at 1:30 in time to eat. And if she has a problem with that, just ask her. Why do you have a problem with that? This is perfect. You don't have, you don't have to come. You don't have to come to my family of nut jobs, as you say. And yeah.
- [89:41]
Nia Renée Hill
Is she trying to get out of going to your families is what I'm wondering? Because most people, I feel like in this situation you just split it up. So if she's got to go help her family cook, you could go over there with her while they're doing that, talk to the dad or the brothers, whatever. I don't know if they're gonna be cooking or whatever. Spend that time, have the meal and then the two of you then go to your family's house for dessert and like coffee and a movie or game night or whatever.
- [90:12]
Bill Burr
No, but his starts early, his starts at 12. Their starts at 1:30. So I'm saying, I just, I tell, listen, you go over to your mom's house, you cook. I'm going over my aunts from 12 to 1. I'll be back at 1:30. You show up like, and then you show up at like 1:40.
- [90:27]
Nia Renée Hill
You don't spend like an hour though. That's nothing. Because you're like, the food isn't going on the table right at 12. Everyone's going to like saunter in around 12:30, 12:45, sit down, then eat.
- [90:39]
Paul Verzi
I would take it.
- [90:39]
Nia Renée Hill
He's going to be there for like two or three hours.
- [90:41]
Bill Burr
This is what I would do. I would say this is a deal. I'm going in there for an hour, then I'm going to go over to 1:30, right, 1:30. I'll be at your place. But next year we're going to my family's. This isn't even like I'm not gonna like never see my family on Thanksgiving again, right? I would never do that to you. Are you saying I can't see my family anymore on Thanksgiving? You just do that?
- [91:00]
Nia Renée Hill
Why don't you just go. Yeah, go to his family's and just say, hey, text me when you guys are about to like sit down. Because she's gonna cook and do all this other stuff. So it's like, text me when you guys are about to sit down. I'll let you know where I'm at with my dinner. And then I'll just come over there.
- [91:15]
Bill Burr
And then what he need to do is say it totally calmly. Do not trash her. Do not, do not say anything insulting about her family. Do not let Her. And then when you stay calm, if she does that thing where she then tries to bait you into a fight. Do not take the bait. Just ask her why she's reacting that way. Or just. Just stay calm. Stay on target. Star wars, right? You just. You just make your points and that's it.
- [91:43]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah, that sounds reasonable.
- [91:46]
Bill Burr
Well, there you go. So you like how great a movie was Casablanca?
- [91:49]
Nia Renée Hill
It was really nice.
- [91:50]
Bill Burr
I finally understood the fucking movie. I always got confused. I understood the love story, but I didn't quite understand, you know, unoccupied France. And they're talking in, like, Nazi Germany and shit. It's just like they're taking over your country, and it's just like, I guess they had their. Their power. Hadn't gotten to that point because it was like, Italians, soldiers there. There was German soldiers and there was these. These German Nazi guys. I don't know. I'll have to watch it again. I'd maybe read a little bit of history, but I actually understood the love story this time was great.
- [92:22]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah.
- [92:22]
Bill Burr
How beautiful is that woman, too, huh?
- [92:24]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah, she's beautiful.
- [92:25]
Bill Burr
Yeah, she was like, modern day beautiful, too. A lot of them back then are back then beautiful. You know what I mean? Like, hey, what do you say there? Ellis Island?
- [92:34]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah. No, she's a classic.
- [92:37]
Bill Burr
Ah, there she goes. There you go. You're sleeping like a damn dog lately. Oh, my God. Because of your condition.
- [92:44]
Nia Renée Hill
Because of my condition makes me very tired.
- [92:48]
Bill Burr
I think you're being a jerk about it.
- [92:49]
Nia Renée Hill
Personally, I think you're being a jerk about it.
- [92:52]
Bill Burr
I'm not. Why does my fucking leg hurt? Oh, my God. I'm gonna end like those fucking people in the orchestra pit. Just. You see, that one guy was, like, 55, just sitting there. He looked like he just fell off a motorcycle. Anyways, well, I'm glad you had a good time. I hope you enjoyed it, because I'm watching all the rest of the football Sundays from here on out as I empty the liquor cabinet.
- [93:16]
Nia Renée Hill
So is that our last Sunday out? Is that what you're saying? Until.
- [93:20]
Bill Burr
No, I would like to do that. I've been actually. And I've been looking up museums and shit on the down low, trying to understand art because I never understood it. I find that I like. I forget what period it is. It's the Van Gogh and the period after Van Gogh. I like that shit.
- [93:36]
Nia Renée Hill
Okay, that's cool.
- [93:37]
Bill Burr
I like that. The abstract. I'm starting to understand that. Well, you don't need lines. You have colors to suggest moods. It's like.
- [93:45]
Nia Renée Hill
All right, look at you.
- [93:46]
Bill Burr
Kind of looks like five year old. It's always going to look like a five year old. Didn't.
- [93:50]
Nia Renée Hill
Do you like modern art, do you think? Or do you like the more old classic stuff like the Van Gogh versus the Jeff Koons?
- [94:00]
Bill Burr
I don't know who Jeff Koon is.
- [94:01]
Nia Renée Hill
Andy Warhol.
- [94:03]
Bill Burr
Andy Warhol was the original hipster and is brutally, brutally fucking overrated.
- [94:08]
Nia Renée Hill
Ooh, hot take.
- [94:09]
Bill Burr
And was not a nice person.
- [94:11]
Nia Renée Hill
What about Basquiat? Did you like Basquiat? I like Basquiat.
- [94:15]
Bill Burr
Isn't that the dude who looks like Sabian Glover, but he painted.
- [94:19]
Nia Renée Hill
Savion Glover? Wow. Oh, my God. Haven't heard that name in a while. Yeah, see, sort of like the weekend before he cut his hair, he was doing like an homage to Basquiat. Yes, that's.
- [94:32]
Bill Burr
Oh, it was all right.
- [94:32]
Nia Renée Hill
Jean Michel Basquiat.
- [94:34]
Bill Burr
That's the most modern person I listened to.
- [94:37]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah.
- [94:37]
Bill Burr
Weekend to the point. I pre ordered his next album.
- [94:40]
Nia Renée Hill
I know, I got.
- [94:42]
Bill Burr
I got his. I got the first two songs. You did?
- [94:45]
Nia Renée Hill
I want to hear it. We should listen to it after this.
- [94:48]
Bill Burr
Absolutely.
- [94:48]
Nia Renée Hill
As I fall asleep because of my condition. How far are we talking about my condition? Not that much. Right.
- [94:54]
Bill Burr
What do you mean?
- [94:55]
Nia Renée Hill
Like, we're not gonna get into all like old specifics.
- [94:58]
Bill Burr
No, we're not. Something's got.
- [95:00]
Paul Verzi
Yeah.
- [95:00]
Nia Renée Hill
The sex and all that.
- [95:01]
Bill Burr
Yeah. What it is.
- [95:02]
Paul Verzi
Yeah.
- [95:02]
Bill Burr
Pictures. No, none of that shit. Okay. It's just like the kitchen. You're just gonna know it got redone.
- [95:08]
Nia Renée Hill
Just know.
- [95:09]
Bill Burr
That's it.
- [95:10]
Jake the Snake
I share.
- [95:10]
Bill Burr
I share enough, but there's too many weirdos on the Internet. I don't. I do not understand people that post pictures of their children, you know, because.
- [95:19]
Nia Renée Hill
You get excited with your fucking home.
- [95:21]
Bill Burr
Address right above your head for the. For the family photo because they're so.
- [95:26]
Nia Renée Hill
Cute and you just want to like show off, you know? But I definitely understand why we will not be doing that.
- [95:34]
Bill Burr
All right, this is probably a conversation that should have happened off in the podcast. All right. You cool.
- [95:41]
Nia Renée Hill
Bill?
- [95:44]
Bill Burr
What the did I do to my leg? I just laid down and I feel like I hyper extended. My knee.
- [95:49]
Paul Verzi
My leg.
- [95:51]
Bill Burr
Who is that?
- [95:54]
Nia Renée Hill
That comedian? I guess not.
- [95:57]
Bill Burr
My leg.
- [95:58]
Nia Renée Hill
What's his name?
- [96:00]
Bill Burr
Yeah, you always bring him up.
- [96:02]
Nia Renée Hill
Richard K. No.
- [96:03]
Bill Burr
Oh, oh, Robert Klein.
- [96:05]
Nia Renée Hill
Robert Klein.
- [96:06]
Bill Burr
Robert Klein. I can't stop my leg. Very good.
- [96:09]
Andrew Themelis
Look at you.
- [96:09]
Bill Burr
See, I went. I went saving Glover. Then you hit me back white style. Little Robert Klein. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and I will be checking in on you on Thanksgiving.
- [96:22]
Nia Renée Hill
No you will not.
- [96:24]
Bill Burr
Yes, I will.
- [96:24]
Nia Renée Hill
No you will not.
- [96:25]
Bill Burr
Listen, we're going to eat at 1:30. I'm going to do a podcast at 12 at my parents house.
- [96:30]
Nia Renée Hill
You can't take. You, you can take Thanksgiving off. People will understand.
- [96:36]
Bill Burr
Nia, I believe your people said money never sleeps, right? 24 7. What is some of that stupid shit?
- [96:44]
Nia Renée Hill
They sleep, we grind.
- [96:46]
Bill Burr
Yeah, all that dumb shit like, like Bill Gates isn't doing that.
- [96:51]
Nia Renée Hill
You're gonna do a podcast on Thanksgiving? What is wrong with you? Well, maybe you'll do it the day before Thanksgiving.
- [96:57]
Bill Burr
That's a big pet peeve of mine. When performers talk about how fucking hard they work, you know, they take those pictures of them where they've got their head down, like they're fucking exhausted, you know, and then they just have these, these self imposed compliments, you know, A lot of people would stop. I feel like I'm just beginning.
- [97:16]
Nia Renée Hill
But that's essentially what you're doing if you're going to be working on Thanksgiving.
- [97:20]
Bill Burr
No, I'm not. No. That was a really weak way to try to manipulate it back. And yeah, I'm going to do it. So if you just, you want to have the argument now? Because I'm going to do it.
- [97:28]
Nia Renée Hill
No, I'm too tired.
- [97:30]
Bill Burr
There you go. Go to sleep. Seriously, you're putting on a lot of weight and. Oh my God, I'm not attracted to you right now. I just don't understand what it is.
- [97:41]
Nia Renée Hill
That's not true. Don't say that. Yeah, you just told me I look beautiful.
- [97:45]
Bill Burr
You do look beautiful. You still look great. You're all fucking baby.
- [97:49]
Nia Renée Hill
I'm all belly.
- [97:50]
Bill Burr
You're all belly. So anyways, all right, I'm. I don't know, I'm gonna figure out how to make a fucking pan into a griddle and make myself something because I'm an adult and I can't fucking have a griddle.
- [98:03]
Nia Renée Hill
I'm sure you'll figure it out.
- [98:04]
Bill Burr
No, I'm getting that grill. I'm getting rid of those fucking tables out there. There's too many fucking tables, huh? What are we having the last supper? Huh? Is Jesus coming back? Right in our back fucking yard. That long winded douche is gonna sit there.
- [98:18]
Andrew Themelis
I fucking did this for you. I did that.
- [98:20]
Nia Renée Hill
Are you trashing Jesus?
- [98:21]
Bill Burr
Nobody asked you to.
- [98:22]
Nia Renée Hill
Are you trashing Jesus?
- [98:23]
Paul Verzi
No.
- [98:24]
Bill Burr
Yeezy. Yeezus. Is that what Kanye goes by? Yes.
- [98:28]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeezy.
- [98:29]
Jake the Snake
Hey, Radio. Fuck you.
- [98:31]
Andrew Themelis
Fuck you, man.
- [98:36]
Bill Burr
I want to get. I want to get that big. I'm just yelling at a fucking. What would you call that? What is Radio. Form of communication.
- [98:44]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah, yeah.
- [98:45]
Bill Burr
Just yell at a form of communication and then cancel a show at the fucking Magic Johnson.
- [98:50]
Nia Renée Hill
Hey, Internet.
- [98:51]
Jake the Snake
Fuck you.
- [98:51]
Andrew Themelis
Hey, Internet.
- [98:53]
Nia Renée Hill
Fuck you, Internet.
- [98:55]
Andrew Themelis
Hey, tin can on a string.
- [98:57]
Nia Renée Hill
You. Fuck you, ham radio.
- [98:59]
Bill Burr
Yeah, we get it. Kevin Hart's funny, but so's. Oh, who's that kid I saw in fucking. The new Def Jam? First of all, Tony Rock crushing it as a host. Tony Rock's a fucking star, by the way. I remember years ago when he had a sketch show. Man, the guy fucking pops. He pops on tv, Robert.
- [99:20]
Nia Renée Hill
I forget his last name. You tweeted about him.
- [99:22]
Bill Burr
No, not Tony. Not Tony Roberts.
- [99:24]
Andrew Themelis
Tony Roberts.
- [99:24]
Bill Burr
I have no problem.
- [99:25]
Nia Renée Hill
No, no, the name of the. No, the name of the comic that you liked, you tweeted about him. His name is Roberts something.
- [99:30]
Bill Burr
Oh, yeah. He was hilarious. Hilarious and didn't give a. If the crowd liked him. He had that. The Luther Vandross joke.
- [99:37]
Nia Renée Hill
Oh, my God.
- [99:38]
Bill Burr
Yeah. I don't want to ruin it, but, yeah, just definitely check that out. Because if that's how funny that shows is, that show is back in a. A big way. And it was great to see Tony Rock getting that gig, you know, Definitely deserving, ending on a positive note.
- [99:50]
Nia Renée Hill
That's right.
- [99:51]
Bill Burr
Go yourselves. I will talk to you on Thanksgiving. And that stomping you hear in the background will be NIA unapprovingly supposed to be making stuffing. All right, Go yourselves. Have a great week. Great short week. All right. And. Oh, dude, Wednesday night, the greatest night ever. If you're a young man, right, you go back to your hometown. What's his face. The thrill ride. The thrill ride. Did a great rant on that.
- [100:14]
Nia Renée Hill
Who?
- [100:15]
Bill Burr
The thrill ride. The one. The one man fucking.
- [100:17]
Nia Renée Hill
Oh, yeah, that guy.
- [100:18]
Bill Burr
We. That guy. That guy should be in the wwe. He's one of the best people on the fucking mic.
- [100:24]
Nia Renée Hill
I forgot about him.
- [100:25]
Bill Burr
Yeah, he fucking said that. That's the night you go back and all the women you know, you went to high school with that you weren't afraid to talk to. Now you come back, you got your little man mustache.
- [100:35]
Nia Renée Hill
You make something happen the night before Thanksgiving. Night before Thanksgiving.
- [100:38]
Bill Burr
That's right.
- [100:39]
Nia Renée Hill
Okay.
- [100:41]
Bill Burr
I love Thanksgiving. You know, I love about Thanksgiving. If we just rub it in the fucking English England's face, you know? Take that, right?
- [100:51]
Nia Renée Hill
What?
- [100:51]
Bill Burr
No, there's a lot of people in this country that think it has to do something with our independence with England.
- [100:56]
Nia Renée Hill
Yeah. Nothing to do with that.
- [100:58]
Bill Burr
Well, that's one of my favorite things to do is I say that to fucking Londoneers and shit. Oh, fuck. You know what? I forgot to bring up. There's a. I gotta do another benefit. Speaking of that, a buddy of mine who did stand up when I started out and then moved on to writing, Pete Cummings, such a great guy, unfortunately passed away. Oh, God.
- [101:23]
Paul Verzi
A couple weeks ago.
- [101:24]
Bill Burr
Was an absolute shock. He's like a fucking year older than me, was in great health and just had a heart attack, unfortunately. So we're gonna be doing a benefit at the laugh factory on December 6th. Tickets will be going on sale soon. I should probably know by Thanksgiving, but he's got two beautiful twin boys to only 10 years old. And the great thing's gonna. You know what's so great was Jamie Masada put his name up on the. The marquee. I'll never forget that he did that. That was such a great thing that he did that. Because Pete hasn't done stand up in a number of years. It was great that Jamie remembered him. He's a great guy, Jamie Masada. He remembered him. He put his name up there. And so there's a bunch of Boston guys I haven't seen. We're all gonna be on the same fucking show. And I'm trying to think like the last time we all worked together, like that was probably the fucking Kowloon about 20 years ago. So it's gonna be a good reunion. We're all gonna be telling great stories about Pete Cummings. So, yeah, it's gonna be December 6th, and I'll get you guys that link as soon as I get it. If you're in town, you'd like to have a laugh. It's a great cause. All right, that's it there, fuckos. Have a nice Thanksgiving. What's up, everybody?
- [102:37]
Jake the Snake
Welcome back to the Anything better podcast show, NFL Edition. Going into, what is it, week number 12 with your host Paul Versey over here, Bill Burr over there. Of course we have Jake the Snake from his undisclosed. Or is. Yeah, his undisclosed place with his injury reports. And we got the Greek freak, the Beverly Hills kid, Andrew Themless. We are all here for week 12, guys. But before we get into this week's show, we have to shout out our sponsor. It's a great sponsor that we've been working with and it is the best sports book that there is out there on the planet. It's BetMGM offering 1500 in free bets to get your season going. Guys. I can't believe it's. It feels like the beginning and it's week 12. Ready. How to get this offer? It's easy. You download the BETMGM sportsbook to your device and you use our code. Very easy. It's Burr B U R r. You use the code and you sign up and you deposit at least $10 into your BET MGM sportsbook account. You place your first wager and you receive up to 1500 back in bonus bets if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is sett. We still are doing the first touchdown offer. You simply place a prop bet on the player you think is going to score the first touchdown in any NFL game. If they don't score the first touchdown but in fact score the second touchdown, you'll get your stack back in cash. There you go. Dude, I gotta start the show by talking about my New York football Giants and Daniel Jones. Daniel Jones was emotional yesterday because all of the major teammates backed him and said that this was a weak move by the Giants. They think maybe the Giants are trying to get the draft pick. And then Daniel Jones walked into John Mara's office 20 minutes ago, this is hot off the press. And he said guys, they made him not the second string, they made him the third string. And then yesterday they had him playing safety as like a dummy, like just being a safety. And he walked in today and he said guys, do me a favor and please release me and, and apparently release.
- [104:46]
Andrew Themelis
Me, let me go.
- [104:48]
Jake the Snake
And he walked in with a gun to his head and says guys, it's you or me now.
- [104:53]
Andrew Themelis
Don't want to play for the Giants anymore.
- [104:57]
Jake the Snake
So. And I believe they obliged. I believe the Maras and them wished him well and said goodbye. So Daniel Jones is done and Paul.
- [105:07]
Andrew Themelis
What did I say?
- [105:08]
Jake the Snake
I gotta give you credit, I meant to do that today. You called it. I was wrong. I held on to it because of that good season he had. And then he had happy feet because whatever it was, dude, you were right.
- [105:21]
Andrew Themelis
So yeah, I didn't say that, you know, he shouldn't be a quarterback. I just said that's an awful lot of money in an awful long time. Who the gonna pick up that contract?
- [105:32]
Jake the Snake
And to not give Saquon Barkley money, but to give him money and now watch Saquon Barkley be an MVB candidate with the Philadelphia.
- [105:38]
Andrew Themelis
Give us slow white guy from Duke a whole bunch of money and let's give a fucking Jack black dude no money. Come on Paul, what's that looking like? We did that in Boston, Paul. What would the story be? What would the story be?
- [105:52]
Jake the Snake
Oh, it hurts. Oh, it hurts. It's like watching your girlfriend go down on somebody just like.
- [105:58]
Andrew Themelis
Oh.
- [105:59]
Jake the Snake
And they hold your head to watch it. Wait, what?
- [106:02]
Andrew Themelis
Jesus, you went big air on that one.
- [106:08]
Jake the Snake
He's still alive. He's still breathing. Frankie. He's still breathing.
- [106:13]
Andrew Themelis
That's the worst.
- [106:14]
Jake the Snake
I will say this to this day. To this day. Is there a more uncomfortable scene in any movie that when he.
- [106:19]
Andrew Themelis
I didn't watch Casino. I saw Casino in movie theaters. I didn't watch it again for 10 years because. Because of that scene.
- [106:24]
Jake the Snake
One of the most disturbing scenes I ever seen. He's still breathing. Frankie. Frank. Oh. Anyway.
- [106:31]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, by the way, Paul, what about last week? The Lions laying 14 and a half. Won like, 55.
- [106:39]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [106:40]
Andrew Themelis
Old school. Paul Bersey would have. Would have texted me bloodbath over, like 58 times during that game. I got one for you.
- [106:48]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [106:49]
Andrew Themelis
Two fucking things I'm fucking over right now. Beautiful women and nerds. Opposite ends of the spectrum.
- [106:55]
Jake the Snake
You're done with both of them?
- [106:57]
Andrew Themelis
Done with both of them. I hate the classic fucking beautiful woman in the front row. Nothing you can say to her as long as she's getting the attention. Every fucking thing I was saying, she. You know, just like, I like those straight women that love the gays. I love the gays. I love the gays. Oh, no. But I love the gays. I do love the gays. I love the gays. And then, yeah, I go, will you shut up and be like, oh, I hate that shit. Doing the cutesy fucking thing. It's just like, you know, and it's like, you used to be pretty. Now you're just annoying. That's the thing about beautiful women. When they're young, they're beautiful. When they get older, they just get annoying because all of us men put up with that fucking behavior because they're going to keep it happy. Maybe it'll me and then that we raised them. Yeah, okay. Men raise beautiful women to be fucking annoying assholes at comedy.
- [107:51]
Jake the Snake
You know, It's a good one. Just go see Nerd fault.
- [107:54]
Andrew Themelis
Nerds. I gotta get the nerd they ruin.
- [107:55]
Jake the Snake
Okay, get the nerd thing out.
- [107:56]
Andrew Themelis
Go ahead.
- [107:56]
Jake the Snake
Go ahead.
- [107:57]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah. Nerds are ruining the fucking world. All these years, they said it was gonna be the frat boy date rapist. It wasn't. All right? They individually ruined lives. Nerds ruin the fucking world. All right, let's go. That's my theory. All right. I got my glasses on, Paul. I got my glasses.
- [108:13]
Jake the Snake
So I can see what you say to that girl. You know what you say to that woman? Sweetie, sweetie. You're an alcoholic. You can't hold your liquor.
- [108:19]
Paul Verzi
You, you, you.
- [108:19]
Jake the Snake
You're an alcoholic.
- [108:21]
Andrew Themelis
She loves it. You're talking to her. The whole show stops and you're talking to her.
- [108:24]
Jake the Snake
Then you look at the guy and go, how do you fuck this annoying thing? But then it's a whole different thing.
- [108:29]
Andrew Themelis
Then he has to do something. No, I ended up shaking his hand. I said, don't fucking blame him for this on the ride home. This was you and me. This was you and me. Oh, fucking awful. I did this great gig in Modesto, California. Paul, going to the people on this one I like. All right, Ojai, Bakersfield, Modesto. Where am I? Stockton. And then the one that begins with V. I can't remember. Visaleo or whatever the fuck it is doing all these Fox and Warner theaters on the way up here. And by the way, Paul, mega Texas barbecue in Fresno, California. If you don't do. If you don't go there and get yourself a Texas Twinkie and some pulled pork and brisket, I. I swear to God, it's going to affect our friendship. That's how good it is.
- [109:15]
Jake the Snake
But what's a Texas Twinkie? A burrito, dude.
- [109:19]
Andrew Themelis
It's a stuffed jalapeno. They put. They put brisket, green cheese in there, and then they triple wrap it with this bacon and put their sauce on top. Sweet. You got the heat. It's just like. You want to go outside and tell somebody about it after each bite.
- [109:39]
Jake the Snake
Dude, I gotta tell you something. I. I think I told you this last year is the first year that I discovered bagel and lox because I never. I never did that. I never. Because I like raw sushi.
- [109:50]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah, it's just with the juice. I get it, Paul.
- [109:52]
Jake the Snake
No, but like, you know, nobody ever said, you know, nobody.
- [109:58]
Nia Renée Hill
Do you live in New York?
- [109:59]
Andrew Themelis
You never tried bagels and locks? It's amazing.
- [110:02]
Jake the Snake
No, because you know what it is? I tried smoked salmon once and didn't like it. And I like the sushi grade of it. And then all of a sudden, dude, I got one. And the capers and everything was so delicious. And I'm going, what did you just say?
- [110:16]
Andrew Themelis
Sushi grade.
- [110:18]
Jake the Snake
Like sushi type of salmon.
- [110:19]
Andrew Themelis
Paul, don't get. Listen, don't. Don't get self conscious here.
- [110:23]
Jake the Snake
I said sushi grade.
- [110:24]
Andrew Themelis
Paul, you have elevated yourself.
- [110:26]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [110:27]
Andrew Themelis
Wait, are you becoming refined? The way that just rolled up your tongue?
- [110:38]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [110:38]
Andrew Themelis
Paul, I've known you almost 20 years. If I was on a game show and it's. And it had a bunch of shit that you could have possibly said. Sushi grade.
- [110:48]
Jake the Snake
I never would have thought that.
- [110:49]
Andrew Themelis
That's fucking amazing.
- [110:51]
Jake the Snake
Oh, thank you.
- [110:53]
Nia Renée Hill
Yes.
- [110:53]
Andrew Themelis
I tip my cap to you, my kind sir. I love that you're sitting there in a hoodie talking about the Giants, and then you bust out sushi grade salmon.
- [111:05]
Jake the Snake
Yeah. So anyway. But what I don't like sometimes is the bagel is really filling, right? So I'm in. I'm in Austin, Texas, and this guy goes, dude, one of my favorite places is around the corner. It's called Cafe Crepe. And he goes, they got great crepes, but they also have great breakfast. And I'm like, perfect. I'll go to there before I go to the podcast, before I go to the airport and I go to this crepe place and I'm looking and I see a picture on the menu of this crepe with all the smoked salmon, a little layer of cream cheese and capers. So I call the lady over and she goes, oh, that's our number one seller. So I go, I love it. So get it, dude. It was it. I bit. I was alone and I go.
- [111:50]
Andrew Themelis
I looked around.
- [111:51]
Jake the Snake
I got carefully. I was by my side. I can't believe it.
- [111:53]
Paul Verzi
I just.
- [111:56]
Jake the Snake
I said I can't believe it out loud. And the lady goes, it's good, right? I go, this is incredible, man. And it was less filling than the bagel. And it was amazing, dude. It was amazing.
- [112:06]
Andrew Themelis
Just got the locks. You didn't get. You didn't get a cream cheese bagel? Even get bagel unlocks. You just got the locks.
- [112:12]
Jake the Snake
No, no, it was a crepe with cream cheese crepe.
- [112:15]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, my God.
- [112:16]
Jake the Snake
It was a crepe with the cream cheese layer on it. Capers and the locks. So it was everything that you get. Bagel and locks, but just on a crepe.
- [112:24]
Paul Verzi
Dude, that sounds.
- [112:25]
Andrew Themelis
That's it. Oh, Paul Versi.
- [112:28]
Bill Burr
Over, over.
- [112:30]
Andrew Themelis
That sounds amazing.
- [112:32]
Jake the Snake
It was. It was fantastic, man. And. And then I. Yeah, then I got home and. Yeah, off to. Dude, I don't even know what happened.
- [112:39]
Andrew Themelis
Well, I got to give another shout out, Paul.
- [112:41]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [112:41]
Andrew Themelis
Turning into a couple of fucking foodies out here. I went to this breakfast place. I got to get it here. I got it. My places to go app. Paul, not put your apple. Oh, my God. I don't know if I'm gonna say L I B e L U L A libalula for breakfast. Right next to the Crest Theater in Fresno. Got three fried eggs on some kimchi and like, one of those tortilla shells with avocado on top. Dude, it was insane. Had the whole, the, the yolk and then they had the heat thing going there. Paul, Paul, I'm telling you, these mom and pop places, it's. It's the way to go. All of these fucking fat with their man tits going to the chain restaurants. Listen, here's the thing. You want to change America, okay? You don't do it in the voter booth. You go to mom and pop stores. We gotta, we gotta get on the same page here. We got to support each other, because they're not doing it for. Going up to 99 here. Out in the Central Valley of California's one of those depressing things I've ever done. Great people, the cities are great, but in between, you look at the farms and these corporate farms, and you look at how these people are fucking living. I'm telling you, they're straight up fucking evil, dude. This straight up fucking evil. These fucking cunts at the top taking all the money and not paying anybody and not wanting to pay anybody and keep coming up with these excuses and blaming immigrants and all of this shit. It's like. It's like. No, it's you, it's you fucking nerds with your pen and pencils. All right, Paul, let's talk football.
- [114:14]
Jake the Snake
I got a question for you, though, real quick before we get into. Is, where do you stand with avocado? Like, where.
- [114:20]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah, I got my fucking arm around it saying, what did you fucking say to this avocado?
- [114:25]
Jake the Snake
Oh, you love him. You got an avocado's back, Bob?
- [114:29]
Andrew Themelis
Well, I will, I will. I eat one plain. It's a great source. It's a great source of what they call it, that, that fat that you need. The fat that you need. It's fantastic.
- [114:39]
Jake the Snake
The trans fat.
- [114:41]
Andrew Themelis
Not the trans fat. That's the McDonald's. You're just a city kid, you hear Trans transportation. You just think, this is a good thing.
- [114:49]
Jake the Snake
There's a lot of transgender.
- [114:50]
Andrew Themelis
I just think transmission. There's a lot out there which, which not. Not the trends that makes you lose your career. The other trends.
- [115:01]
Jake the Snake
No, I heard. I, I, I do like avocado on some things, but I don't like it near my eggs. That's it. I don't like my eggs. Got to be, you know, kind of separate, I feel like.
- [115:12]
Andrew Themelis
But I get that that's two mushy things. You don't want them Together.
- [115:16]
Jake the Snake
Yeah. It's a different taste, but. No. An avocado.
- [115:19]
Andrew Themelis
You don't like mushy shit. You don't like avocado. You don't like corn. You don't like peas. You don't like that.
- [115:25]
Jake the Snake
Corn and peas. I don't know why they're on Earth. I don't know why they're on earth.
- [115:30]
Andrew Themelis
I'll do corn on the cob in August with butter, salt and pepper on it. If you don't like that, Paul, I it. I'll finish the corn and cob and I'll stab you with the stock. Hey.
- [115:42]
Jake the Snake
What a way to go. Okay.
- [115:45]
Andrew Themelis
Still breathing. I got. Still breathing.
- [115:48]
Jake the Snake
That thing over here.
- [115:49]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, I gotta tell you something.
- [115:50]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [115:50]
Andrew Themelis
I gotta find me fucking whatever, some sort of meat, and I got mashed potatoes with peas right next to them. My Scottish, Irish, English blood goes through the fucking roof. It's delicious. It's amazing, Paul, how I can cross the street, okay, into your Italian neighborhood. Well, I mean, it's Italian food. That's just. That's not a fair comparison. I was gonna say, I enjoy your cuisine. It's like, well, you know, it's the fucking best on earth. Hey, would you say this, The Japanese are the Italians of Asia?
- [116:23]
Jake the Snake
I would say this Japanese is. Is second of all time of food. I say Italian. Japanese cuisines 1 and 2.
- [116:30]
Andrew Themelis
Japanese are also the white people of Asia, if you've read your history.
- [116:35]
Jake the Snake
Is that right?
- [116:37]
Andrew Themelis
Let's just say they have a high sense of self, and I'll leave it at that. I'm better than. You ever see that? You ever see that on the Simpsons? That little kid singing the song about his rich dad, about how much money his dad has? He goes, my dad can buy and sell. Yeah, I'm better than you, Andrew.
- [117:01]
Jake the Snake
Andrew, can you send me the. The lines again to my text, please, Because I can't find them. I believe I go. I believe I go first this week.
- [117:11]
Andrew Themelis
Paul. I think you should go first every week. Display you're putting on. Why. Why ruin what it is that you're doing?
- [117:18]
Jake the Snake
Let's.
- [117:19]
Andrew Themelis
Why put the number nine hitter in front of the guy, bat and cleanup. That's what I say.
- [117:23]
Jake the Snake
Oh, here's one that I'm going to give for the show, by the way. I got a lot of. Thank you, Andrew. I got a lot of people reaching out saying, this is by far the best sports show because we mix humor with it. And they were like, we. A lot of people saying, I don't watch football, and you guys made me watch it and understand it. I also heard a guy saying, you're making me money, but I got to put this out there on the show.
- [117:43]
Andrew Themelis
I had a guy tell me, you know, he watched his show and he came out of the closet. I mean, we're just doing all kinds of things here.
- [117:52]
Jake the Snake
Dude, you know what? Anything better? I use a different bathroom. Okay. No, I was gonna say I said something on Twitter yesterday. I will say it on here. Since we are a sports leaning show. Juan Soto will not go to the Yankees. I'm going to say that my prediction is the reason why Juan Soto won't go to the Yankees is even if the Yankees match a $700 million thing like the Mets are going to try to do or the Dodgers are going to try to do, the reason why Juan stto, and this is just a prediction will not go I will not stay with the Yankees is because I don't believe Juan Soto wants to be a place where Aaron Judge is really the man and the captain and it's his team.
- [118:31]
Andrew Themelis
I think speaking for everybody who isn't a Yankee fan, who the is Juan Stto?
- [118:37]
Jake the Snake
What do you mean?
- [118:38]
Andrew Themelis
I'm just saying he's fucking acting like he's the lead singer on that team. He's not right. You're the regular guitarist and he wants Aaron Judge.
- [118:47]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, that's right.
- [118:48]
Andrew Themelis
It's fucking Cecil Cooper. It's Bob Watson. Sorry, interrupted as always.
- [118:56]
Jake the Snake
No, no, no. I think that Aaron Judge being the captain and the Yankee guy, Juan Soto wants to be that somewhere else. I don't think he liked playing second fiddle to him. And that's my prediction. Even if the Yankees match the price. You heard it here on anything better. Let's go.
- [119:12]
Andrew Themelis
My question, Paul, how if that's true, how dumb a mindset is that?
- [119:19]
Jake the Snake
I mean, I could be wrong, but I. I think it's dumb. I think we gotta win. You gotta win, dude. Him and Judge could win.
- [119:29]
Andrew Themelis
First of all, who the can't play second fiddle to Paul Bunyan? The guy's nine feet tall, massive muscle. No, he's like. He's like a Mickey Mantle stacked on top of Mickey Mantle. I'm not saying with the stats. Relax, old school Yankee fans. I'm just saying it's. It's his team.
- [119:46]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [119:48]
Andrew Themelis
I do like how he stares at the pitcher.
- [119:52]
Jake the Snake
No, he's a great batter, but he's an average fielder.
- [119:55]
Andrew Themelis
And the way, the way he takes the pitcher out of his game, it is great because he makes you mad. He goes, all you want to do is throw the Fucking ball right here and that. And that's gonna put him on base. It's fucking genius. I don't know why more guys don't do that. Duke, you realize how amazing baseball would be if every hitter went up there and just had absolutely no fear of getting beaned in the head and just tried to fucking troll the pitcher. I was fucking watching the playoffs, like, I was getting upset watching them. I'm always going like, this pitcher's not afraid of you. You. Then I realized, oh, my God, this is why he does this. This is amazing. And then I immediately became a huge fan of his.
- [120:32]
Jake the Snake
Dude, here's how good the Dodgers were. Ohtani was like 2 for 18, did nothing because he was injured and they fucking still beat us. That's how good that team is.
- [120:42]
Andrew Themelis
Well, Paul, you know when you spent over $300 million, I mean, but you guys were up there, too. I can't. I haven't looked at team salaries in a long time. Like, I remember if you had a 200 million, that was. Oh, yeah, 200 million dollar team. It's like, you guys don't. You're not even littered with free agents and you're over 300. Like, how much money are they. Are these guys making?
- [121:02]
Jake the Snake
Dude, the Dodgers spent a billion on two guys. The two Japanese guys, they spent a billion. One was 700, one was 500. Right, Jake? Is that right? All right, let's get into this here.
- [121:13]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah. Over the course of their career, they're going to play him a billion dollars. Yeah, it's over there.
- [121:17]
Jake the Snake
A billion dollars over their career, but still, that's two guys. All right, let's.
- [121:20]
Andrew Themelis
I mean, that could pay for a week in Iraq, Paul. I mean, this is crazy. What are we doing?
- [121:25]
Jake the Snake
All right, all right. Week number 12. My first pick. Is it my first pick? Did Bill go first last week? Oh, what do we got? Injury report wise, Jake the Snake.
- [121:39]
Andrew Themelis
The biggest ones are coming from San Francisco. Nick Bosa, he got hurt last week.
- [121:44]
Paul Verzi
He came out of the game.
- [121:45]
Jake the Snake
He's been held. He's been held for two years. They finally caught up with him.
- [121:50]
Andrew Themelis
He's got neck burn from his jersey getting yanked like this. So he might not play, but they're.
- [121:58]
Paul Verzi
Getting George Kittle back.
- [121:59]
Andrew Themelis
And Brock Pie is also questionable, but sounds like he's going to be out there.
- [122:03]
Jake the Snake
It's a. My buddy who drives me to the airport, he. He's a big Niners fan. Dude, it's over for them. I hate to say it, but they're. They're tired that what they went Three Super Bowls in the last four or five years. It's. And they're breaking down. McCaffrey's hurt. I heard one analyst go, dude, the Niners are just exhausted. And they are. It's. I hate to say it, but they're finished for a while, I think.
- [122:26]
Andrew Themelis
Hey, Paul, guess what? I'm tired, too, you know, But I'm showing up for the podcast.
- [122:30]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, you don't stop. You don't.
- [122:32]
Andrew Themelis
I have a wife. You don't think I'm being held back, huh? Thank you, Jack.
- [122:38]
Jake the Snake
Guy. No, that guy. There's always that guy. Yeah, he said, I got kids, too. I'm tired.
- [122:45]
Andrew Themelis
Comparing doing a podcast to playing professional football. Guess what? You got a job. You know, you think I want to get up every morning and put my pants on one leg at a time? I fought for this country so guys like you could play football. They're going there. I. You fought for this country. You didn't serve. I was in the C Scouts. Look, a uniform is a uniform. I take that discipline with me to work every day.
- [123:21]
Jake the Snake
His wife's complaining. My wife's complain.
- [123:26]
Andrew Themelis
You think I don't know my wife's the neighbor? Because I do. I'm gonna toughen out this holiday season and not bring it up till after New Year's.
- [123:34]
Jake the Snake
Oh, dude, I'm crying. H. The guy that compares is one of my. It's one of the fun. He's got kids or you? I don't got kids. You know that guy. I don't got kids.
- [123:44]
Andrew Themelis
I'll tell you a story. I'll tell you a story. Guy working for the Brooklyn Fire Department goes up the ladder. There's a cat in the tre. All right, I think indignant, whatever the that is. Why is my face so red? I just.
- [124:03]
Jake the Snake
No, you look good. You look healthy. I look pale. I don't know what's going on with this light. Oh, dude, you know what we're doing.
- [124:08]
Andrew Themelis
Boy, you look like the mozzarella.
- [124:11]
Jake the Snake
We're gonna knock a wall down over here. I'm gonna make a bigger office. All right, let's get into this.
- [124:15]
Andrew Themelis
Paul, why don't you just get. Have a yard sale?
- [124:17]
Jake the Snake
You know that guy, too.
- [124:18]
Andrew Themelis
That guy. Have a yard sale. Don't knock down the wall in your.
- [124:21]
Paul Verzi
How.
- [124:21]
Andrew Themelis
Why are you gonna knock a wall down?
- [124:23]
Jake the Snake
No, no, just a closet wall. Right here is a closet that we don't use. So they're just gonna make shoes. Yeah, where you put your shoes.
- [124:33]
Andrew Themelis
You don't have a closet. You know, Remember that on every mob movie? Paul, Wait, wait, Paulie, let's think about this.
- [124:41]
Bill Burr
What?
- [124:41]
Andrew Themelis
You got your whole future ahead of you. You take that closet. Where are you gonna push your shoes? Think about your mother. What is this going to do to your mother?
- [124:53]
Paul Verzi
You take out the buzz.
- [124:56]
Andrew Themelis
Come on, sit down. Have a cutlet.
- [124:57]
Bill Burr
Sit down.
- [124:58]
Andrew Themelis
Have a cut with me. Paula, you're breaking my heart. As you walk away. You're breaking my heart.
- [125:04]
Jake the Snake
You know what I like? I like the guy that points to in his house. That he did. Yeah, you see up there? No, no, we were gonna. We. We lowered it. You know what I. Guy, he goes like this. He goes, no, we lowered it. We're going to keep. I'm telling you, for the ventilation right.
- [125:17]
Andrew Themelis
In the middle of a bike. And then. And then he knows that he's. He's losing you, so he puts that hand on your shoulder. Come on. Start guiding you around his house. You meet Bill yet? You meet Bill?
- [125:44]
Jake the Snake
The point that he did. Guys, my favorite.
- [125:47]
Andrew Themelis
You could give a.
- [125:49]
Jake the Snake
You could give a. Not a. Ventilation wasn't coming through over there. There was a.
- [125:53]
Andrew Themelis
We.
- [125:54]
Jake the Snake
There was like a little air. And then you're like, yeah, all right, man.
- [125:56]
Andrew Themelis
It changed. You changed some. I. I wouldn't notice. It looks original to the house.
- [126:01]
Jake the Snake
Okay, here we go. Week number. Dude, I'm crying. This is a great one. All right, here we go. My first pick this week. I have not really looked at these guys, but. Oh, my God. That's a big line for the commanders. Dude, why are the commanders ten and a half over the Cowboys? That's a big one.
- [126:19]
Andrew Themelis
They have my third cousin under center. If it's on the back of his jersey it says. Who the Is that? No, wait a minute. Is it. Is that that kid from the Longhorns? Jake the Snake? Who's. Who's on the center for the. Nobody's on the center. They're all in shotgun. Who's taking a long look at the center's ass this week? For the. For the. For the Cowboys, they got this guy Cooper Rush back there.
- [126:47]
Jake the Snake
Cooper Rush?
- [126:48]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah, he's. I like that. It's a cool name.
- [126:51]
Jake the Snake
All right, my first pick, guys. I'm gonna go with the theme I said I love, by the way, the 49ers. I met a bunch of them. Great people. I think it's kind of coming to an end for a little bit. I'm going to take the Green Bay packers at Lambeau Field minus three. I think that they're. They're a great team, and I think they're playing a team that's a little beaten up and tired. I like that it's only three, and I like that the packers are at home. Jordan love. Everybody over there seems healthy. Packers -3 at home against the reeling San Francisco 49ers.
- [127:26]
Andrew Themelis
All right, I'm going to take the Arizona Cardinals -1 going into Seattle because Seattle keeps winning. And who the fuck do they think they are, Paul? Who they think they are? They think they're just going to win out the rest of the year. They think you're going to play a division rivalry. Kyler Murray running around like a fucking water bug. I don't think so. I think he goes in there, he bangs some white chick in the rain, and then he goes and he beats the Seahawks. That's what I'm saying.
- [127:49]
Jake the Snake
Did you see Kyler Murray at Joe's Pizza by the Comedy Cellar the other day in that video?
- [127:55]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, dude. What is our bet?
- [127:58]
Jake the Snake
What's a bet?
- [127:59]
Andrew Themelis
We have a Kyler Murray bet.
- [128:01]
Jake the Snake
We do.
- [128:02]
Andrew Themelis
We do.
- [128:03]
Jake the Snake
What is it?
- [128:05]
Andrew Themelis
Well, I can't say it because he's going to see this and then get inspired.
- [128:08]
Jake the Snake
Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. No, you're right. You're 100. Yeah.
- [128:12]
Andrew Themelis
We just gotta say, because who gives a.
- [128:13]
Jake the Snake
No. Yeah.
- [128:14]
Andrew Themelis
I said at some point he's gonna have a weight issue.
- [128:19]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, I agree.
- [128:22]
Andrew Themelis
Something about his face.
- [128:23]
Jake the Snake
He was eating the pizza and he.
- [128:25]
Andrew Themelis
Just looks like he goes to Daily Donuts to me. I don't know why, but he's still in shape. But it's something about his face. It just says in the future he's gonna have a happy off season.
- [128:38]
Jake the Snake
But I will say this, I thought Carmelo Anthony was too. And Carmelo Anthony's like five, six years removed from the NBA and he's nice and thin still. So he works out. He's holding it together. Good ladies, man.
- [128:51]
Andrew Themelis
Paul, you know, he knows what he's doing. He smokes cigars. I think smoking the cigars, you know, curbs the appetite.
- [128:56]
Jake the Snake
Yes. Yeah. No, Kyler Murray was at Joe's Pizza, and it says this guy doesn't know who that he's standing next to Kyler Murray. And Kyler Murray's got just a hat on and a jean jacket, totally looked like a civilian. And he's eating pizza and there's a guy next to him and he goes, what's your name, man? And the guy says, oh, I'm Sharana or whatever. The guy was from Sweden. And he goes, what's your name? He goes, I'm Kyler. And he's like, what kind of pizza did you get, they're just eating it, hammering it and stuff. And dude, he's little dude, he's like five.
- [129:22]
Andrew Themelis
He's regular people size.
- [129:24]
Jake the Snake
Dude, he's like Drew Brees. Drew Brees was 5, 10. He's like, Dude, Drew Brees was like your size, Bill. And he's an mvp. Super bowl champion.
- [129:33]
Andrew Themelis
I know Kyler Murray has a clothing line at the Gap.
- [129:39]
Jake the Snake
Gap Kids. Yeah. Okay, that's, what did you pick, Bill?
- [129:45]
Andrew Themelis
You picked the Cardinals? Paul.
- [129:47]
Jake the Snake
Okay, you know why, Paul?
- [129:49]
Andrew Themelis
Because I realized it's my life, you know, and I'm not going to be silent anymore. That's, that's the woman version of the guy going, you know, I put my pants on every day.
- [130:01]
Jake the Snake
I got, I'm going to take the Kansas City Chiefs, Mike.
- [130:05]
Andrew Themelis
And I realized the gap and that last thing just bombed. Go ahead. I'm not that delusional.
- [130:11]
Jake the Snake
I'm looking at lines. Nobody's Jake goes, that was funny. No, I'm looking at lines. Didn't buy. I'm gonna take the Chiefs -11 after a loss.
- [130:23]
Andrew Themelis
Hey, Paul, why don't you take everything that I want, you know, you selfish bastard.
- [130:27]
Jake the Snake
I, I didn't know.
- [130:28]
Andrew Themelis
What are you trying. That was the classic kid from divorce. Like it's such a ridiculous thing to accuse you of. You still apologize. I, I, I didn't know because of my dad. Because of my dad. Dad.
- [130:43]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, I. Look, they're playing the Panthers and they're coming off a loss. I mean, 11's a lot though. But we'll see.
- [130:49]
Andrew Themelis
Hey, I'm gonna take the New England Patriots plus seven and a half with Drew Locke. I don't know. Is that the name of our quarter? Drake May. Sorry, where the did I take that? Drake May. Oh, Billy, no sleep. I'll take the Patriots seven and a half going down to Miami. You know, maybe somebody scores an eight ball, they get a little more amped up on defense and they take it to, to attack a Tatuba Daba. And we, we cover.
- [131:23]
Jake the Snake
Should I do it to be a little fun? I'm gonna do it to be a little fun. I'm gonna take the New York football giants. Tommy DeVito getting six at home against the Buccaneers. Let's see what happens.
- [131:43]
Andrew Themelis
That's, I'm not gonna say anything, but I swear to God, if I gotta deal with the, with the. Oh my God. A third string quarterback is in the Giants. Let's make this a national story because anything that happens in New York is so good. He likes conflicts, he likes him this way. He likes Him. Now look at his uncle dressed like he's in the Godfather.
- [132:05]
Jake the Snake
Yeah. Yep.
- [132:06]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, my God.
- [132:07]
Jake the Snake
Yep.
- [132:09]
Andrew Themelis
Anyway, yeah, whatever, whatever. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna take the Ravens minus three Monday night because who the do the Chargers think they are, Paul? They think he gets gonna go around slapping around the Bengals, and then next week the Ravens aren't going to come in and bring you back down to earth and remind you you only get one of two things. Perfect weather or a good football team.
- [132:32]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, I like it.
- [132:35]
Andrew Themelis
Paul, you're killing me this week because you haven't looked at the lines. I'm doing jokes. You're not do. You're not. You're giving me nothing.
- [132:42]
Jake the Snake
Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
- [132:43]
Andrew Themelis
All right, you know what I feel like right now? I feel like a coach that lost the team. That's what I feel like. I lost a lot of room. I'm talking. They're looking down there, they're reading shit, not paying attention.
- [132:55]
Jake the Snake
They lost the team.
- [132:57]
Andrew Themelis
Speaking of which, I haven't watched the second of hockey, but my Bruins have been playing so bad. We already got rid of our coach before Thanksgiving call. It's pretty early.
- [133:06]
Jake the Snake
Whoa.
- [133:06]
Andrew Themelis
Well, I mean, Paul, they haven't even put the Christmas lights up yet. Okay.
- [133:09]
Jake the Snake
I mean, it's a. What is it, a month old season? Not even.
- [133:12]
Andrew Themelis
Well, the ice was still slushy.
- [133:14]
Jake the Snake
Oh, my God, this guy got fired.
- [133:16]
Andrew Themelis
No, nobody's even caught a cold yet, Paul. And this guy got fired.
- [133:19]
Jake the Snake
No, he did something to somebody. He said something rude to somebody's life.
- [133:23]
Andrew Themelis
He lost the locker room that quickly? That quick. It happened very quickly.
- [133:31]
Jake the Snake
That's a tough one.
- [133:32]
Andrew Themelis
Hey, Paul, it's gonna be. You know, they're gonna be playing Silent Night on Thanksgiving Day. All right.
- [133:40]
Jake the Snake
I gotta.
- [133:46]
Andrew Themelis
Sorry, I'm just in a stupid mood, dude.
- [133:47]
Jake the Snake
Angelo Lozado, rest his soul. Me and him were on a podcast years ago and we were talking about how the Knicks fired their coach. And we were crying, laughing, going, you're looking for him in the bathroom. And he goes, yo, Mike. He goes, yeah, they're asking for you. Go.
- [134:03]
Bill Burr
Who's asking?
- [134:07]
Jake the Snake
Yo, who's asking? Dude, we were crying.
- [134:11]
Andrew Themelis
You know what the worst thing about getting fired at that level is? The amount of people that know it before. Before you do, you sense it. And then people just start acting weird in the halls as you walk. But it's gotta. It's just gotta be. But I know. No, but you know, going back to the jets, nobody did. Can I say goodbye to the team? You get your. You get the up.
- [134:32]
Jake the Snake
That was. You just took the words out of my mouth. Not letting you address your guys is. I mean, they walked him to the car. They said.
- [134:40]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah, like, holding his arm. Guys, I know we didn't make the playoffs. It wasn't that bad. We. We sold a lot of merch. We sold a lot of merch. Oh, this isn't my car. Let me talk to Aaron.
- [134:59]
Bill Burr
Let me just talk to Aaron.
- [135:02]
Andrew Themelis
Aaron. Roger, you tell that thin face cunt he's the reason why I'm out here right now. I hope he has a good holiday.
- [135:16]
Jake the Snake
I took the vaccine. I took the vaccine. I got it twice.
- [135:25]
Andrew Themelis
I got it twice.
- [135:26]
Jake the Snake
I got the booster.
- [135:27]
Andrew Themelis
I got the booster.
- [135:29]
Jake the Snake
Oh, my wife made a move on me. It didn't react.
- [135:33]
Andrew Themelis
I blame on Santa. I play Monsanto. All right, sorry.
- [135:42]
Jake the Snake
Oh, God, if this isn't.
- [135:45]
Andrew Themelis
He doesn't have to take it, but I do.
- [135:55]
Jake the Snake
All right, the window. He's trying to lower the window. Yelling as he's leaving. Oh, you sucked before I got here.
- [136:03]
Andrew Themelis
You're gonna suck. After Joe Davis was a fluke. It was a conspiracy to merge the leaks.
- [136:14]
Jake the Snake
Oh, God, Bill.
- [136:15]
Andrew Themelis
All right.
- [136:16]
Jake the Snake
Oh, my God. All right. With my fourth. Oh, my.
- [136:20]
Paul Verzi
Dude, this hurts.
- [136:20]
Jake the Snake
My fourth and final pick. I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do something.
- [136:27]
Andrew Themelis
I've only picked two teams. I got the Cardinals and the Ribs and the Patriots. You're right. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, Jesus, Andrew. Do you have to do that to me? Don't you just flash? You're wrong. All right, I got it. All right. What do you got?
- [136:42]
Jake the Snake
As much as I hate to do this, dude, they're flying. No pun intended. I'm going to take the Eagles minus three against the Rams. Saquon Barkley watching what he's doing. What could I say? The Eagles minus three.
- [136:54]
Andrew Themelis
All right, real quick, real quick, real quick. Jake the Snake. It's.
- [136:59]
Paul Verzi
Any.
- [136:59]
Andrew Themelis
Any of their receivers back for the Rams? I know they had a bunch of. Anybody back.
- [137:05]
Paul Verzi
Yeah, they're back.
- [137:05]
Andrew Themelis
And then Devonte Smith hasn't been practicing.
- [137:08]
Paul Verzi
This week for the Eagles, so that's.
- [137:09]
Andrew Themelis
The other injury I was going to mention, but. So we'll see. Friday will tell us if he's playing or not. All right, there you go.
- [137:16]
Paul Verzi
Paul, look at me.
- [137:17]
Andrew Themelis
Look at me looking out for you.
- [137:18]
Jake the Snake
I'm taking. I'm taking the Eagles still. Thank you, though, Bill.
- [137:22]
Andrew Themelis
You know, Paul, when I come in one and three, you know I feel I got to switch. Spread that around, you know, just let people know. Let people know what's going on. Oh, I'm just feel I'm Billy Favorites this week, you know, do I need to take a dog?
- [137:38]
Paul Verzi
Paul, you got the Patriots in there.
- [137:41]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, I do. I'm just Billy confused. Like I don't. You know what Patriots. So please don't say my picks again out loud. I'm just gonna make me cry on the road.
- [137:53]
Jake the Snake
I'm just going through mine. I got Giants, Chiefs, Eagles and Packers. I'm done. So you got the last one, Paul.
- [138:00]
Andrew Themelis
I realize you're done. You got four and you're still running your yap.
- [138:04]
Jake the Snake
I didn't remember.
- [138:05]
Andrew Themelis
But listen, I'm just giving you because I don't know what I'm.
- [138:08]
Paul Verzi
All right, here we go.
- [138:09]
Andrew Themelis
Let's take out the magic glasses. Let's see if we can find. See if we can find a winner here. Jesus Christ. Now the Buccaneers, Paul, who do they play for? Is that New Jersey? I think I'm going to take the Lions minus seven and a half because I'm a fucking idiot. Because they had a big game last week. I know that Richardson kid is back. Seven and a half.
- [138:33]
Paul Verzi
Why do they got to go seven and a half?
- [138:34]
Andrew Themelis
Don't you dare write that yet, Andrew. Don't you. You keep your fucking guitar playing fingers away from them. All right, fuck it. I'm going lines. I'm going lines. You know what I want to be, Paul, this year? I want to be the relatable gambler, the guy who can't throw it in the ocean. That's what I got. Oh, Jesus, Paul, look at that.
- [138:54]
Jake the Snake
All right.
- [138:55]
Andrew Themelis
They don't know my picks look like this week. You ever see somebody who's been married five times and you see their first four wives, like what the was he doing? Then he finally gets it right.
- [139:03]
Jake the Snake
I like those picks. I like all.
- [139:05]
Andrew Themelis
I like all our picks.
- [139:06]
Jake the Snake
We're gonna go eight. No. With these picks.
- [139:09]
Andrew Themelis
And that's the difference. That's the difference, Paul. New York and Boston. Yeah, no, don't put Boston on me. You're not from there. It's Paul and me. That's right. Okay, let's, let's, let's stop with the New York winter fucking things. Jets, Mets guy, that's just Mets guys. They dragged drag it down those Jersey Jets, Mets guys with their shoulders and slumped over that off track betting thing. I'm telling you, one Frank Sinatra song does not take away Jets Mets fans. Oh, and then if you choose the Knicks or the Rangers, you're still, you're still.
- [139:48]
Jake the Snake
Nick's hope.
- [139:49]
Andrew Themelis
But if you go, if you go Yankees, Giants. What you get is what you're looking there. Right there. Paul Versi. Look at that. Look at the light. Look at the light in his eye. No, come on, Paul. Paul. Well, you've seen a lot. Five World Series.
- [140:06]
Jake the Snake
Yeah.
- [140:07]
Andrew Themelis
Four Super Bowls. Look at you.
- [140:10]
Jake the Snake
Nothing with the Knicks, though.
- [140:12]
Andrew Themelis
Hey, Paul, don't be a cunt, all right? It's not how life works. You know, you don't get everything.
- [140:19]
Jake the Snake
I want one. I want one. I need one.
- [140:23]
Andrew Themelis
You like that side piece that thinks, you know, thinks the guy's gonna leave his wife? It's not happening. I would take that. The Knicks. The Knicks are done for.
- [140:31]
Jake the Snake
I would. No, they're not.
- [140:33]
Andrew Themelis
God. God doesn't like them.
- [140:37]
Jake the Snake
You see how serious I took it?
- [140:39]
Bill Burr
No, they're not. They're. They're all right.
- [140:48]
Andrew Themelis
Every year, Paul, breaks my heart. You just.
- [140:50]
Jake the Snake
You made me sound like Dice Clay.
- [141:00]
Andrew Themelis
Don't you wish you played for the Knicks? Yeah, no, no, I know. That's for the fans.
- [141:06]
Jake the Snake
Oh, the guy, the guy. Kd yeah.
- [141:11]
Andrew Themelis
This is my impression of the New York Knicks. No rings.
- [141:18]
Jake the Snake
Oh, I got two. Come on. They were the size of my wedding ring. That's how small those rings were.
- [141:27]
Andrew Themelis
Those were mobster Pinky R that they got. No, I'm the Aussie. Paul, the day the Knicks win. Oh, I'm gonna be so happy for you. I'm not going to be happy for James Talon Harris. I'm not gonna be that guy, that guy. Oh, my God, the level of that that guy talks. You think that they were winning?
- [141:48]
Jake the Snake
I, I gotta be honest with you. If they win, my son Lucas is going to. My son Lucas makes me look like I'm not even a Knicks fan. What the. The level he gives a. Going to his room, slamming things, happy hugging. When they win, he's going to break down and I'll be right there.
- [142:05]
Andrew Themelis
Guilty that you did that to him.
- [142:08]
Jake the Snake
I, I. Dude, I only took him to games. I didn't go that nuts. He went hard.
- [142:13]
Andrew Themelis
They're not that far away, Paul. Listen, I just gave him a little taste. I, I didn't know he was gonna.
- [142:19]
Jake the Snake
I took the kid to the Garden, I wet his beak. You want to know what's funny? Lucas is now 5, 10 and lanky, and I still hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him like I always did. But now it looks like I'm his son because he just puts his huge arms around.
- [142:35]
Andrew Themelis
I'm just picturing you on your tiptoes, in your air max. He's kissing the top of Your head giving you a lunchbox. All right, son, I gotta go gamble. Okay, dad.
- [142:54]
Jake the Snake
You know what he said to me the other day? He goes, dad, because, dude, he's like so smart, my kid, right? And he goes, he goes, dad, can. I think it's time. He makes like high honor roll. He's like, you know, on varsity and basketball. Young. He's just a great, well rounded kid. He goes, dad, I think it's time you and mom get me a gambling account. And he goes, because I know my. I go, buddy, you're not getting a gambling account. He goes, why? Just give me one reason why. I go, you're 15 years old. You're not gambling. Okay? And he goes, it would just be little. I said, you're not. And then I go, fine, fine. You want to know you don't have money. And he goes, I know. That's why I need to gamble. I gotta get some.
- [143:31]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, no.
- [143:33]
Jake the Snake
He was, he was half joking, but I just bursted out laughing. He goes, I know. That's why I need somebody. All right, we got the Monday Night special and it is the. I'm with Bill. I like the Ravens minus three. Sorry, Jake the Snake. I. I think.
- [143:47]
Andrew Themelis
Okay, I'll be there.
- [143:48]
Jake the Snake
You'll be there.
- [143:50]
Andrew Themelis
When I made that joke about perfect weather, I still think they're in San Diego. I'm never going to get past that. LA is close enough. Tell that to people in San Diego that grew up with Dan Fox and all those San Diego superchargers.
- [144:06]
Jake the Snake
All right, what's the under over on Lamar Jackson? Rushing yards, Andrew. Let's do that. Dude. Dude, Lamar's gonna run. Andrew Thelis is. Oh, there he is.
- [144:20]
Bill Burr
Yeah, they'll probably run all over us.
- [144:23]
Andrew Themelis
Andrew was on the phone with the stockbroker, trying to move around his trust fund money.
- [144:27]
Jake the Snake
His total yards is 51, right? Or no, no, I can't click it. Lamar Jackson Rushing yards, 42. 42.
- [144:43]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, Paul under. They just. I, I. Listen, dude, I, I don't want to. That.
- [144:51]
Jake the Snake
You don't want to do that one.
- [144:52]
Andrew Themelis
All right, I don't like that one. Okay, Ravens money line to start.
- [144:57]
Jake the Snake
You want to do. Well, we could do. What's it called? We could do Herbert to throw one and Lamar to throw one.
- [145:05]
Andrew Themelis
Herbert throwing. Herbert throw one.
- [145:06]
Bill Burr
Definitely.
- [145:07]
Andrew Themelis
I like the Lamar one too. You can go.
- [145:09]
Bill Burr
Derek Henry to run.
- [145:10]
Jake the Snake
Oh, let's do that. Let's do Herbert to throw one. Derek Henry to Derrick Henry to run one.
- [145:16]
Andrew Themelis
Derek Henry is the superhero.
- [145:19]
Jake the Snake
And then we'll take the Ravens.
- [145:20]
Andrew Themelis
It's like, if Iron man was playing football, he's amazing.
- [145:24]
Bill Burr
Or the Hulk.
- [145:27]
Jake the Snake
Yeah. The fact that a man that size that looks like a middle linebacker runs like that is unbelievable, man.
- [145:33]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah, I. I just. I'm amazed limbs don't come off when that guy goes through the line.
- [145:39]
Jake the Snake
And. And I believe candidate for MVP again, man. King Henry. Yeah, him and Lamar was almost out of the NFL. Was almost out of the NFL after year one or two. And then somebody was like, dude, what the are you doing? I think it was Eddie George. If my memory is correct, Eddie George went up to him and goes, dude, what the are you doing, man? You could own this league. You need to start playing with some heart. And then he just changed.
- [146:08]
Andrew Themelis
Wow.
- [146:12]
Jake the Snake
I mean, I thought it was an inspiring story, but apparently this podcast got quiet.
- [146:17]
Andrew Themelis
No, you know what I was thinking of? Did you ever see that barstool sports thing when that kid was gambling?
- [146:23]
Bill Burr
No.
- [146:25]
Andrew Themelis
The dude's rooting for him. He's one card away. He's like, eddie, you have like, a 97 chance of winning. And the one country card. I don't understand poker. Flips it over, and he goes. And you lost. And then he didn't want to, but he rolled over and just started laughing, going, I'm sorry. Sorry. My favorite thing was he goes, that shouldn't have happened. That's the greatest thing ever. Like, it was this tragedy that never should have. No.
- [147:01]
Jake the Snake
Bill, what about him with the.
- [147:04]
Andrew Themelis
With the Portnoy.
- [147:06]
Jake the Snake
What about him with the. With the. No, his other guy. His buddy Jerry. He's going, come on, sweetie. Come on. Get him, sweetie. Get him, sweetie. He goes. He goes.
- [147:14]
Bill Burr
She.
- [147:15]
Jake the Snake
She lost. And then he goes, no, she won. She won. She lost.
- [147:20]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, God. What about that, dude? Come on, you6.
- [147:26]
Paul Verzi
Come on.
- [147:27]
Andrew Themelis
Doing that. He's got the muffin top. He's standing in his jeans with his belly hanging over, and then before that, he's walking around going, I'm so stupid. So you don't bet the ponies. You always lose. You always lose. Come on, you sick.
- [147:40]
Bill Burr
Come on.
- [147:40]
Andrew Themelis
He's doing, like.
- [147:41]
Bill Burr
Look.
- [147:41]
Andrew Themelis
What the fuck is like.
- [147:46]
Jake the Snake
I love when the guy slaps his own ass with the betting mag.
- [147:49]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah. Oh, God, he's riding the horse. That's fucking amazing.
- [147:53]
Paul Verzi
A classic.
- [147:55]
Andrew Themelis
That's just complete failure as a parent, Bill.
- [148:00]
Jake the Snake
That snap of the finger is amazing.
- [148:02]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, that's what happens when you're not there to keep. Teach your kid how to ride a bike. That's. That's what it ends up. By the way.
- [148:08]
Jake the Snake
By the way, Shout out to Andrew Themmos, who just made this look like a professional sports show. That was amazing with your graphics there, Andrew.
- [148:15]
Bill Burr
Yeah, wonderful.
- [148:16]
Jake the Snake
You had the lineup, you had the prop bets. You had us in little boxes. ESPN got nothing on you. All right, all right, guys, so there you have it. We're gonna take the Monday night special. Is going to be the Ravens minus three King.
- [148:36]
Andrew Themelis
He goes either side. I like to jump. I love the unathletic jump. Like, when he goes. He goes like this.
- [148:43]
Jake the Snake
He goes.
- [148:46]
Andrew Themelis
I got. Watch the jump, Paul. Watch his leg and his arm. It's like there's a string on him together. Oh, I'm sorry. I went the wrong way. It's like this.
- [148:58]
Jake the Snake
Oh, this is great. I love how he goes to riding it, too. Oh, so good. Hey, Andrew. Andrew, you're on point today, kid.
- [149:07]
Andrew Themelis
We should also point out, I don't.
- [149:09]
Bill Burr
Know if you guys watched the game last night, but Russell Wilson in a Steelers uniform marching down the field in the snow in Cleveland on a Thursday night, it's like, this is why the.
- [149:20]
Andrew Themelis
NFL is the best product. Like, I don't.
- [149:22]
Bill Burr
I mean, that was. What a great game.
- [149:24]
Andrew Themelis
And he was starting to look like old school Russell Joe. I think he just didn't like the outside altitude in the Broncos and in Mile High.
- [149:30]
Bill Burr
I mean, the. The snow.
- [149:31]
Andrew Themelis
I mean, how.
- [149:32]
Bill Burr
How fun was that game? I mean.
- [149:34]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah, well, you know what's great was the Weather Channel was going like, oh, my God, these storms are Cleveland. Because they had it on for some reason, the Weather Channel. And then they cut to the game, and it's still Cleveland, and it's just like, snow flourishing. It's like, wait a minute. I thought the world was ending.
- [149:51]
Jake the Snake
Jameis Winston. I just have to say this. Jameis Winston is going to be a crazy old man. Because now every time he talks, it's getting to a level like he. They just go and listen. And I love the guy, but he goes. They go, what do you think about this weather? And he just goes, I just have to thank God in this football weather in the snow in Cleveland, Ohio, tonight. And this thing started quarter, and it's like, oh, dude, he's gonna be. He's a few years away, dude.
- [150:21]
Bill Burr
Yeah. The first question she asked, he was just like, you know, just gonna thank God, blah, blah.
- [150:26]
Andrew Themelis
And she's like, okay.
- [150:27]
Jake the Snake
She's like, so that's great.
- [150:28]
Andrew Themelis
That's why you think we're here. Okay, so what about the weather? And he goes, God, again, it was just like. You just go to that every time.
- [150:36]
Jake the Snake
Cleveland, Ohio, This. It was Just like, all right. All his teammates said, this is the funniest thing I've ever heard a teammate say about a quarterback. They go. Every time he kneels down in the huddle to give the play, it sounds like he's whispering a surprise, like, all right.
- [150:57]
Andrew Themelis
Hey, $300 million, was it, right?
- [151:01]
Bill Burr
300 million.
- [151:02]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah. Keep. Keep bad people away from that guy. I'm rooting for him.
- [151:06]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [151:08]
Andrew Themelis
Somebody's gonna come in and try to get him to invest in a steakhouse or something.
- [151:11]
Paul Verzi
Just.
- [151:12]
Andrew Themelis
Just watch out for that. Anybody who's handling his money, just. All right, well, we got Ravens. We got the Ravens. We got. We got. We got Iron man to do what? Score one, run one.
- [151:25]
Jake the Snake
Henry to run one, and Herbert to throw one. And that. That's it, everybody, for week number 12. Holy. Dude.
- [151:34]
Andrew Themelis
It's over.
- [151:34]
Jake the Snake
It's over. Season's over.
- [151:37]
Andrew Themelis
Did you see Michigan got the number one quarterback in the country yesterday? They flipped him from LSU.
- [151:42]
Jake the Snake
Did they?
- [151:43]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah. Fortnite apparently paid $10 million for this guy. That's.
- [151:47]
Paul Verzi
So I heard you guys bring up barstool.
- [151:49]
Andrew Themelis
So I was like, that's the game as well. Wait a second.
- [151:51]
Bill Burr
Wait.
- [151:51]
Andrew Themelis
Portnoy paid, apparently Barstool, offered the kid $10 million. That's the rumor. But. But yeah, he decommitted from LSU.
- [152:00]
Jake the Snake
He's going to Michigan.
- [152:01]
Andrew Themelis
Can I ask you a question? What the is happening to this country?
- [152:04]
Jake the Snake
That's got to be. That's got to be illegal.
- [152:06]
Andrew Themelis
At least he's getting some money. And I thought boosters. That's true, but I'm just saying, dude, it's like he used. This used to be backroom shit, dude. Right? I'm not shitting on barstool. What they did. Fucking God bless them. That. That's always been done. But you did it. But you did it in the woods. You did get into behind an ihop. That's how it fucking went down. On the hood of a fucking gold Trans Am. That's how you fucking did it. That's how Dion did it. Politicians openly saying we can inside a trade. The Supreme Court going, you can fucking bribe a politician now it's called a gratuity pole. These are fucking. This is crazy. What did we. What did we get rid of the mob for Paul?
- [152:44]
Jake the Snake
So right when the mob.
- [152:45]
Andrew Themelis
So all these white collar guys could.
- [152:47]
Jake the Snake
Do it legally, Right when the mob left, everything went to hell. Just saying.
- [152:55]
Andrew Themelis
It was all smooth before that. No, no, but yeah, I bet this. This. Listen, this is the thing. The mom was the best guy Around. Regulated. The mob was regulated because what they were doing was illegal.
- [153:09]
Jake the Snake
Bill.
- [153:10]
Andrew Themelis
Corporations. Corporations. What murder?
- [153:15]
Jake the Snake
Bill. He was the best guy around. What about all the people he murdered?
- [153:19]
Andrew Themelis
What murders? There he goes. He was the best guy around Court. Of all the most white murders. Like, what was he trying to do? He was just trying to make noise.
- [153:34]
Jake the Snake
All right, guys, well, listen.
- [153:35]
Andrew Themelis
I was the best husband around. Look at all the side horse, wide horse. It works, Paul. It works for any. Any subject.
- [153:47]
Jake the Snake
Oh, no.
- [153:52]
Andrew Themelis
I got the best diet around. What about all that McDonald's? What? McDonald's got all the empty containers in the back.
- [154:04]
Jake the Snake
All right, all right.
- [154:06]
Andrew Themelis
Hey, I gotta tell you, Paul, like, this tour has been one of my favorite tours I've ever done. I started in Ohio, I did a three in the afternoon show at a little amphitheater. And like the whole town showed up.
- [154:18]
Jake the Snake
That's awesome.
- [154:19]
Andrew Themelis
And I literally go. I did some joke. I go, jesus Christ, this lady's gonna go tell the mayor. And they go, he's here.
- [154:25]
Jake the Snake
Oh, that's great.
- [154:27]
Andrew Themelis
I felt like I was in a Christmas movie. Then I did Bakersfield. Low key, ridiculously amazing town. There's no corporate shit up there. You walk down the street, there's all these cool, like, guitar stores and fucking auto bodies and just fucking regular people with their own businesses that, you know, some pep boys didn't come in and take away. Did Modesto last night.
- [154:48]
Jake the Snake
Nice.
- [154:49]
Andrew Themelis
Tonight I'm in Stockton, home of the Diaz brothers. And who's that? Musician. I will always love you I'm not gonna try to hit that high note.
- [155:02]
Bill Burr
Not.
- [155:02]
Andrew Themelis
Whitney Houston was from New Jersey.
- [155:05]
Jake the Snake
Yeah, yeah, no, I know.
- [155:06]
Andrew Themelis
But I will always love you Dolly Parton wrote it. No, no, no, no I will never no, no I will never fall in.
- [155:14]
Jake the Snake
Love oh, my God.
- [155:16]
Bill Burr
I know. Dude, I. Chris yelled so much on.
- [155:19]
Andrew Themelis
Stage this week, I can't. Chris Isaac, I think he's.
- [155:21]
Paul Verzi
Yeah, that's what it is.
- [155:23]
Andrew Themelis
All right. I sound like I ruptured my spleen halfway through the.
- [155:29]
Bill Burr
Dude, this is.
- [155:30]
Jake the Snake
This has been. This has been one of the funniest anything betters that I. This is the best. This is the best. And guess what? You people got the best team. You got the best injury report guy, you got the best producer, you got the best host. What more do you want?
- [155:44]
Andrew Themelis
The best sports show around. What about all those losses? What losses?
- [155:51]
Jake the Snake
I was just thinking that. What about the times they went 04?
- [155:55]
Andrew Themelis
What?
- [155:55]
Jake the Snake
04? Never.
- [156:00]
Andrew Themelis
Daniel Jones. He's the best quarterback around. They just put a Tommy Cutlets. What cutlet?
- [156:11]
Jake the Snake
Paul. What about Your Mark Sanchez prediction.
- [156:13]
Bill Burr
What prediction?
- [156:17]
Andrew Themelis
You said, this guy's special.
- [156:19]
Jake the Snake
No, I said he's a star.
- [156:21]
Andrew Themelis
He's a star.
- [156:23]
Jake the Snake
And then who did you have? I had. Mine was Sanchez. You had Sam. Who was Sam? He went to Oklahoma.
- [156:29]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, Bradford said. Bradford, I believe you and I will never walk away from those. It's just. It's going to follow us.
- [156:38]
Jake the Snake
I knew Sam Bradford wasn't when. When he was in street clothes, they were like Pete Carroll khakis, and he was in his 20s. I was like, oh, come on.
- [156:46]
Andrew Themelis
That's Eli. Where? Maybe that was it. It was. It was. It was residual from losing to the Giants. I thought, this guy dresses like Eli. I believe in him.
- [156:58]
Jake the Snake
What Khaki.
- [157:00]
Andrew Themelis
Oh, by the way, by the way, if Eli should be first, first ballot hall of Fame.
- [157:05]
Jake the Snake
Why'd you have to do that? Don't do that now.
- [157:08]
Andrew Themelis
Did it already come and go?
- [157:09]
Jake the Snake
No, no, it didn't come and go. But if he doesn't, it's gonna be you, dude. Just clear your text. Hey, clear your text. If he doesn't.
- [157:16]
Andrew Themelis
Well, if he doesn't get in, it's because of the New York sports media that never appreciated him. They didn't like him because he was a Southerner. That's what the. It was. And then also, they're lazy in New York, the sports writers, they want you to come in with the fur coat to dressed like Joe Namath and going out in the town. So it. The article writes itself. That's what it is. And that guy, dude, I'm telling you, the bigger the game, the better he played. And those fat cunts and the sports writers, all they ever did, dude, the guy had two rings on his finger. And they were still coming after. Still coming after him.
- [157:46]
Jake the Snake
I was at a Monday Night Football game where at the Giants place with a guy next to me, Giants fan. They're playing the Rams. And he just goes. I don't know if he's the guy after the Super Bowl. I mean, it's.
- [157:59]
Andrew Themelis
It's after the Super Bowl. You hopped out of your chair on that one.
- [158:04]
Jake the Snake
How about this?
- [158:06]
Andrew Themelis
Bayless saying it was luck.
- [158:07]
Jake the Snake
How about this? He's more clutch than his brother ever was. How about that? He's more clutch than Peyton.
- [158:13]
Andrew Themelis
He just 100. He was 100. Is the Patriots fan. I don't want to see Eli. I want to see Peyton getting all upset with the team. We have protection issues, dude. This is how good Eli is. When I did that show, all Peyton kept doing was to bring it up was the. That Eli did to us.
- [158:30]
Jake the Snake
Yeah. And.
- [158:32]
Andrew Themelis
Cause he had nothing.
- [158:34]
Jake the Snake
And I'm not trying to be a dick because I never want to highlight somebody's negative, but he threw a pick to lose a Super bowl, man. Eli went to two and played.
- [158:43]
Andrew Themelis
But dude, I don't want to on Peyton because I love Peyton. Because you know what? That fucking guy showed up on Tom Brady Day and everybody gave him a fucking standing ovation. And he was funny as fucking hell and he was self deprecating about that guy's cool as shit.
- [158:54]
Jake the Snake
I would never shut up.
- [158:55]
Andrew Themelis
However, when I did that show, the only way he could try to get to me was bringing up what his little brother did. So maybe he's just a proud older brother. Paul. There you go. It's the holiday season. Let's spin it in a positive way.
- [159:05]
Jake the Snake
I love, I love Peyton. I love when you used to sing that bill. When you used to go doobie doobie doo.
- [159:11]
Andrew Themelis
What was the holiday season? Oh, it's the holiday season. Dooby dooby doo this.
- [159:20]
Jake the Snake
All right, guys, listen.
- [159:22]
Andrew Themelis
And avoiding your dad as you go in the back door because he's a lunatic who banged your mom. Sorry, what about when, what about when.
- [159:31]
Jake the Snake
You didn't show up on the holidays? What holidays?
- [159:34]
Andrew Themelis
I gave you the best toys around. All right, killing that. Let's go. Let's get out of here.
- [159:39]
Jake the Snake
All right, here we go, guys. Thank you. Those are our picks. Go to download the BETMGM app on your device and use our code Burr B U R R. You put up to. You put a minimum of $10 in there and if the bet loses, you'll get, uh, if you'll get, uh, 1500 in bonus bets back. Uh, also the first touchdown offer, guys, is, uh, you do a prop bet. You pick anybody on any NFL team to score the first touchdown of any game and if they do, you win. If they don't, but they're second, you'll still get your cash back. So that's a good deal. Bet responsibly. We always say just bet to have fun. And we will see you next week. Oh, guys, if you're watching this tonight, this comes out today, right, Andrew? Yes, I will be at the, the new, the newly renovated Providence comedy Comedy Connection. I'll be there tonight for two. And I'm hearing that shows are selling out. Starting to sell out tomorrow too. So check that out. Go to Paul Versi.
- [160:39]
Andrew Themelis
Hey, I will. Send me a video. I came up in that room, dude. I want to see what they did to it.
- [160:44]
Jake the Snake
Oh, I will. Yeah, I will. And we'll. I saw Bill.
- [160:48]
Andrew Themelis
I saw Bill there in 2000.
- [160:50]
Bill Burr
I saw Bill. I saw you there in 2008.
- [160:53]
Andrew Themelis
There you go. I was there in 2008.
- [160:56]
Jake the Snake
And the guys. Dude, the guys bought it.
- [160:58]
Andrew Themelis
You know what? I.
- [160:59]
Bill Burr
We had tickets. I said, my ex had a death in the family.
- [161:02]
Andrew Themelis
And I'm like, yeah, like, we're gonna still go. It's like the next day, you'll just. It'll cheer you up. Dude, we went. Let's just say we went. Okay. I died the whole time. And then I got home, I'm like repeating jokes.
- [161:17]
Bill Burr
It's like still this somber atmosphere.
- [161:19]
Paul Verzi
Oh, Jesus.
- [161:22]
Andrew Themelis
No. Those guys, they just had the worst sound for like 10 years. And then they finally fixed it and the room became magic. No, they bought it.
- [161:31]
Jake the Snake
They bought it from the guy that owned it, and now they. They bought it from. What's his name. They bought it from him, and it was great. They fixed a lot, and now it's amazing. And then they just bought the Apollo theater. That's in Providence. So there. These guys are making moves. It's a great room. I'll see you there this weekend.
- [161:51]
Andrew Themelis
Shout out to Bill Blumenreich, man. He's one of my favorite promoters in the country. Bill, you can stay at my house. You can drive my car. I don't give a fuck. I just want to get you my room.
- [162:02]
Jake the Snake
Good impression.
- [162:03]
Andrew Themelis
Remember?
- [162:04]
Jake the Snake
He gave me his keys to his car. He goes, oh, you like f. 550s?
- [162:10]
Bill Burr
550.
- [162:10]
Paul Verzi
Go, go.
- [162:11]
Jake the Snake
And I just drove it. And he's like, yeah, go take it for a spin.
- [162:15]
Andrew Themelis
Yeah. No, he. Dude, he's a fucking old school gangster. I remember the. The Aspen Comedy Festival. He showed up with a cowboy hat and a furling of a floor. Length, fuller, full length. Whatever you say. Fur coat. It was just standing there as a club owner was hilarious.
- [162:34]
Jake the Snake
That's awesome.
- [162:36]
Andrew Themelis
That's. That's. Most club owners try to act like they don't have any money, you know, so when they. You at the end of the week, it makes sense. But Bill always. That's what I love about Bill. It takes you forever to impress him, but when you do, that guy fucking pays you. Pays you handsomely. Nothing but good things to say about him. All right, that's it. Let's jump off here.
- [162:58]
Jake the Snake
All right, we'll see you guys next week. Those are the picks. Enjoy the Monday night special and we'll see you next week. For week 13. Until next time, we are out.