Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-12-24

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Edition (12-12-24)
Host: Bill Burr
Guest: Alana Glazer
Release Date: December 13, 2024
Platform: All Things Comedy

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Introduction and Guest Welcome

[00:07] Bill Burr:
Bill opens the podcast with his characteristic humor, introducing the episode as a "Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast." He warmly welcomes his special guest, Alana Glazer, highlighting her new Hulu special titled Human Magic.

[00:38] Alana Glazer:
Alana expresses her admiration for Bill, sharing how she has been a fan since watching him on Premium Blend in the 90s. She reminisces about seeing his early work on Comedy Central, demonstrating the long-standing mutual respect between the two comedians.

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Discussion on Comedy and Societal Change

[01:10] Bill Burr:
Bill delves into his comedic approach, discussing his period of "trashing women" as a means to attain marriage, reflecting on how personal and societal pressures influence his material.

[01:40] Alana Glazer:
Alana counters by emphasizing the importance of modeling positive change rather than blaming society. She references Howard Stern as an example of someone who was initially off-putting but evolved through self-awareness and analysis.

Notable Quote:
Bill Burr: "You don’t have to blame society."
Timestamp: [01:44]

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Income Inequality and Political Corruption

[04:09] Alana Glazer:
Alana discusses income inequality, comparing it to the harmonious society depicted in Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. She criticizes the growing corporate greed and the resultant economic disparities that have been exacerbated since the 1970s.

[05:43] Bill Burr:
Bill echoes concerns about basic human rights being undermined by billionaire elites consolidating power. He expresses frustration over political corruption, noting how both major parties fail to hold CEOs accountable.

Notable Quotes:
Alana Glazer: "We have been pitted against each other. But most people want access to basic human rights."
Bill Burr: "If you deregulate all of us corporations... politicians believed them and they didn’t."
Timestamps: [05:43], [06:04]

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Media Influence and Conspiracy Theories

[14:19] Alana Glazer:
The conversation shifts to media influence, with Alana critiquing how conspiracy theories vary across different demographics. She highlights the simplistic divisions perpetuated by media outlets like CNN and Fox News.

[16:28] Bill Burr:
Bill shares a humorous take on conspiracy theories, blending it with personal anecdotes about interactions with ex-CIA individuals and experiences at a bank, showcasing his trademark rant style.

Notable Quote:
Alana Glazer: "How white people handle conspiracy theories is different from how black people handle theirs."
Timestamp: [14:19]

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Guest's Special and Comedic Reflections

[16:28] Bill Burr:
Bill promotes Alana’s Hulu special Human Magic, discussing its themes and her comedic perspective on progressive politics. Their banter reveals mutual respect and camaraderie in their comedic approaches.

[37:37] Alana Glazer:
Alana expresses how performing with Bill made her feel empowered and relieves her fears about societal issues, highlighting the positive impact of their collaboration.

Notable Quote:
Alana Glazer: "Making you giggle makes me so happy."
Timestamp: [37:37]

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Personal Struggles and Relationships

[24:28] Bill Burr:
Bill opens up about his struggles with alcoholism, sharing his journey of sobriety over the past six years. He touches on the challenges of relationships, particularly dealing with co-dependence and emotional baggage.

[38:43] Alana Glazer:
Alana offers support and insight into managing personal relationships, encouraging healthy boundaries and self-awareness.

Notable Quote:
Bill Burr: "Don't struggle. You just stare into it."
Timestamp: [24:28]

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Sports Commentary and Frustrations

[35:20] Bill Burr:
Bill vents his frustrations with the commercialization and consolidation of sports leagues. He criticizes the influence of billionaires in sports, leading to loss of authenticity and increased commercialization.

[53:56] Andrew:
The co-hosts delve into NFL discussions, including team performances, coaching decisions, and player behaviors. The dialogue is rich with sports jargon and personal opinions, reflecting the hosts' deep engagement with sports topics.

Notable Quote:
Alana Glazer: "The NFL is rigged."
Timestamp: [15:02]

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Closing Remarks and Future Outlook

[43:48] Bill Burr:
As the podcast nears its end, Bill humorously discusses the promotion of Alana’s special and teases future interactions. The conversation wraps up with light-hearted banter about their comedic styles and upcoming projects.

[44:00] Alana Glazer:
Alana reiterates her support for progressive movements and the importance of collective action against systemic issues, closing the discussion on a hopeful note.

Notable Quote:
Alana Glazer: "There are good, smart, excellent people in the right places at the right time."
Timestamp: [37:10]

---

Conclusion

This episode of the Monday Morning Podcast features a blend of sharp social commentary, personal anecdotes, and light-hearted sports talk. Bill Burr and Alana Glazer engage in a dynamic conversation that spans from the intricacies of comedy and societal change to personal struggles and the commercialization of sports. Their exchange not only entertains but also provides insightful perspectives on contemporary issues, making it a valuable listen for both longtime fans and newcomers alike.

Highlighted Quotes:

• Bill Burr: "You don’t have to blame society."
  [01:44]
• Alana Glazer: "Most people want access to basic human rights."
  [05:43]
• Alana Glazer: "Making you giggle makes me so happy."
  [37:37]

---

Note: Advertisements and non-content segments were omitted to focus on the core discussions and insights of the episode.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. All right, obviously, this is videotape, which means I have a special guest, and which, you know, that's what it is. You know, when there's videotape, I would never make you guys look at my face for no fucking reason. All right? And my guest today has a new special out called Human Magic. The one and only Alana Glazier. How are you?

[Alana Glazer]

Hi, Bill. Thanks for having me. I. We met for the first time the other night at the Hoolarius. The Hoolarius premiere celebration. And I told you that I have been a fan for so long. I would watch you on Premium Blend as a child in the 90s, when Comedy Central was the first channel, I would. I would turn on the TV. Yes. I'm 37. How old are you, Andrew? Okay, 41.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, you turn on the TV square.

[Alana Glazer]

Channel 50, and Bill Burr's there saying jokes I shouldn't be watching and just so awesome. It's so cool.

[Bill Burr]

You know what's funny? I immediately assumed you would hate me.

[Alana Glazer]

Say more.

[Bill Burr]

No, I just feel. Because I had some. Like, I had. I had my. My personally, professionally, creatively, just watching my special. I just. Or specials. I would think that you would be like, this guy's just always trashing women. You know, I kind of went through this whole period where I was just trashing women because I wanted to be married. So, yeah, in my Irish, German, Irish brain, I'm like, I'm gonna shit on what I want, and then somehow I'm gonna get there.

[Alana Glazer]

I mean, that makes sense given society. Not like, no, you can put it on me.

[Bill Burr]

You don't have to blame society.

[Alana Glazer]

I actually have to say, like, what is even more useful than coming out the gate of feminist is being a model for change. I'm not even trying to be positive. I'm, like, being for real. And like, Howard Stern, too. Like, he was so fucking gross. And when I was a kid and seeing these, like, I just. As a kid, like, you have no idea. Being a child in the 90s, seeing women who were, you know, horribly thin with big fake titties and being like, I guess that's what a woman is, and I'll never be it. And you men were so stupid. You fucking idiots were like, they like that. They don't like me.

[Andrew]

It's like, yeah, that wasn't the greatest television.

[Alana Glazer]

But I have to say. But sticking it out. And, you know, now I'm just talking about Howard Stern, but sticking it out. And his analytic process, which you should.

[Bill Burr]

Consider was, I'm working on it. I'm trying to get better.

[Alana Glazer]

It is incredible. And also, like. Yeah, it just is very powerful. The model for change. So I appreciate it. And even then, I don't know, perhaps I saw a weakness in you that I sympathized with even as a child and knew that you would come up with.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah, no, there's major weaknesses in this package.

[Alana Glazer]

But you're so funny and I really appreciate you.

[Bill Burr]

Yes, I'm thrilled. Dented can. Anyway, so you have this new special coming out. It's on Hulu, the Hulu platform.

[Alana Glazer]

We the Hulu people. Bill Burr, do you love it?

[Bill Burr]

I am.

[Alana Glazer]

Do you love being a hoolarious comedian?

[Bill Burr]

I love being somewhere where they're really into me.

[Alana Glazer]

Me too. And I'm also.

[Bill Burr]

I was kind of, you know, places. I've been other places. Not gonna say the other places, but.

[Alana Glazer]

I was sort of like lost Monopoly. So there's.

[Bill Burr]

I was. Yeah, no, it's not a monopoly. It's consolidation. And it's very exciting for all kinds of opportunity in the future with all bundling the bundles. If you just let us consolidate the employment that we're going to create. Yeah, they've been falling for that since the 80s.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

That if you deregulate all of us corporations, you know, the jobs that we're going to create. And the politicians believed them and they didn't. And next thing you know, a CEO gets whacked. That's what happens.

[Alana Glazer]

That is what has happened now. And you know what the amazing thing.

[Bill Burr]

About that is, is red and blue are on the same side and we're agreeing. So now I'm going to be fascinated how CNN and Fox News will brand it and pull us back apart again so they can feel comfortable.

[Alana Glazer]

They will continue to go further. Right. And hopefully my hope is that the people will rise up against income inequality. That is what we're up against. It's racial, it's gender, but it is income inequality that is growing since the 70s. You ever watch fucking Mr. Rogers with. I mean, when you.

[Bill Burr]

I just love. You said fucking Mr. Rogers. Yes, I fucking Mr. Rogers. You watch Mr. Rogers leather jacket, you're in a badass mood.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah, I watch Bitch, I'm gonna crack nuts. Skulls. Nuts.

[Andrew]

Bill Bird Dog.

[Alana Glazer]

But anyway, like Mr.

[Bill Burr]

I watched fucking Mr. Rogers. What do you gotta say?

[Alana Glazer]

Mr. Rogers? It's like you actually have an example of a working class A healthy working class. And different races, different genders, different classes actually can work together. People are happy and dignified to work in a factory. Then corporate greed entered the system even further than, even more extremely than it's ever been. And income inequality has been growing and growing and growing. And we're at this point where it's a joke. It's a fucking joke. And we have been pitted against each other. But most people want access to big. Most people want basic human rights.

[Bill Burr]

I don't get why they can't just, like. It's like, all right, you can have your infinity pool, your whores and all of that shit. Why can't you just let break off a little bit more?

[Alana Glazer]

I completely agree.

[Bill Burr]

Most people, all you want can. I just. I want a house. I can afford to have it. I completely agree. I can support a family. And on the weekends, we can hang out with my family, and I can feed them and clothe them and feel safe.

[Alana Glazer]

Like, why basic human rights? That's just what there should be a standard for. Basic human rights. That is what elected officials are. That's the intention, I believe, is for civil servants and public civil servants to provide a basic standard of human rights and protect it. But what's happening now with a billionaire class coming in and owning a consolidation of companies. A consolidation. They're buying up houses.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I know, but what. Yeah, there's one. Yeah, and how about this last election? Nobody fucking talks about that. And what about how Democrats and Republicans both agreed you can't try them for insider trading. They're fucking criminals.

[Alana Glazer]

It's totally corrupt.

[Bill Burr]

It's, like, wide. It's the kind of shit, when I was growing up, they tried to say happened in, like, third world countries, dictatorships. And these guys are like. And now you can. The Supreme Court. I've been talking about this on my podcast. People are sick of it, but I'm loving it, baby.

[Alana Glazer]

Give it to me.

[Bill Burr]

They were saying that now it's not a bribe. You can give a politician a gratuity after.

[Alana Glazer]

Eat my fucking asshole. Eat my ass out. It's not a bribe because you. You know, it's like, I forget, like, you're an older man and like, this must sound different to you than it does to, like, my, like, queer girlies. But it's just like, eat my fucking ass, dude. That's a bribe, bitch. That's a bribe.

[Bill Burr]

Why would you think that? That's like. You think, like, I grew up in some prudish time?

[Alana Glazer]

No, but I'm like a younger woman. And you're like, he. There's a little he, he going on.

[Bill Burr]

No, I'm laughing at like when you were like, talking about the Howard Stern thing, like all of those things. Yeah, I was just dying laughing because, dude, that was on basic cable. It was fucking wild.

[Andrew]

Like, oh, my God, you're so hot.

[Bill Burr]

Will you take your tough?

[Alana Glazer]

So gross. And also on, it was right on.

[Bill Burr]

After, like Billy Bush or that guy John Tesh would be like, you know, the new.

[Alana Glazer]

The new entertainment.

[Andrew]

Indiana Jones, Tomb Raider.

[Bill Burr]

And then they immediately smash shots.

[Andrew]

Oh, my God. Oh, God, I want to fuck you so bad. But I'm married.

[Alana Glazer]

We were supposed to be happy for him that he could play the piano. You remember that? We're supposed to congratulate John Tej, you're a host of Entertainment Tonight. But also, wow, this guy can really tinkle the keys.

[Bill Burr]

I know, but he was crushing it. And there's something about Germany or over. There's the way. This is what I found. What I found. What I've found in this, being an artist is no matter how bad your career sucks, there's always one country. There's enough countries, there'll be one country that fucking loves you.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, I gotta find out what that country is.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. France loved Jerry Lewis. Not saying they didn't love him here. You don't like Jerry Lewis?

[Alana Glazer]

He once said, women aren't funny. I'm like, fuck you. Shut up. Go to bed.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, what.

[Alana Glazer]

Lol. They're not funny.

[Bill Burr]

No kidding.

[Paul Versey]

Lol.

[Alana Glazer]

They're not. They funny. Wait, can I just finish the I just political thing?

[Bill Burr]

Really quick head sometimes, that's all.

[Alana Glazer]

Okay, but like, posing as. What are you playing football?

[Bill Burr]

Hmm. No, I mean, I'm a recovered meathead.

[Alana Glazer]

I'm loving it. Can I just talk about really good.

[Bill Burr]

I'm not doing it for you. I'm loving it. Keep doing that and get back to me in 10 days. We'll see where you're at when we go with your review.

[Alana Glazer]

Wait, can I just say the thing? Just because I think it is so fucking cool and important that you're. You're. What you're talking about is progressive politics. I don't know if you, like, know that and claim it, but were talking about progressive politics. And I want to say you said.

[Bill Burr]

Always have to have a name.

[Alana Glazer]

Take it out if you want. No labels.

[Bill Burr]

Let's get rid of that.

[Alana Glazer]

Keep it fluy.

[Bill Burr]

I'm saying what makes sense. Yeah, but with my summer school brain, dude, they should have me fucking run for president.

[Andrew]

Honestly, I fuck.

[Paul Versey]

I get some Fucking shit done.

[Alana Glazer]

Honestly, even if you are an artist and really successful, like, you are a working person and like, what you're talking about is, what I'm hearing with Glee is messaging that reaches, like, working people and working families. And I think personally that the answer is in small dollar backed elected officials, especially if they come from activism. He doesn't care. I've lost him. I've lost him.

[Bill Burr]

No, I'm just like, the thing is, this is like some.

[Alana Glazer]

I'm an earnest bitch. Like, I'm really earnest. And I like. While I think the system is crooked and obviously founded upon two genocides, I think that it's like a pretty good system that could be worthwhile if we stuffed it with the right people. So I just want to say that while I had the. If I was still incredible platform of.

[Bill Burr]

Alfred Burr, if I was still drinking and we were hanging out in a bar, the conspiracy spiral that we would go down and we would probably, you know, some. One time I was on a radio show and there was an ex CIA guy there and I was spouting all my opinions and everything. He's like, well, you know, he's doing that. And then like when he went to leave, when the mics were off, going like, you know, you're not wrong about.

[Andrew]

A lot of that.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I had that happen to me in a bank one time. I went in, I was, what, the bank was it. There's only a few left. It wasn't Wells Fargo, because he had the blue one. What's the blue one? Not Citibank. Chase. I was in a chase. And this guy, this guy was. I was just talking to him. I go, dude, there's like. It was. Yet again, they were shutting. They were looking at shutting the government down for a week or just printing more money. And I was talking to the guy printing more money.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

And I was giving him all my fucking, you know, Federal Reserve bullshit or whatever. And he was. Had a worried look on his face going, yeah. I mean, it's. Yeah, it's crazy, but you just gotta. I was like, no, dude, you were supposed to reassure me and say, dude, you're out of your fucking mind, Everything's fine. He didn't. In his little cubicle in the center of this bank. It was one of the more chilling moments. I needed a leather jacket for that moment.

[Alana Glazer]

It does help. I used to say, like, black people's conspiracy theories are true. White people's conspiracy theories are white supremacy. Because white people are like, you know, crop circles, they're like, they could never have made the crop circles aliens came down to do it. And it's like, what didn't societies before you.

[Bill Burr]

Not all black people's conspiracies are true. Like their idea that you can curse in front of your mother and she's not going to beat the shit out of you because you're white. And also their idea that they're fucking cookout food. The amount of dry ass chicken I've had, interesting. After them talking all of this shit, you under season your food and everything. It's like you guys over season your food. So there has to be a happy medium.

[Alana Glazer]

I see, I see.

[Bill Burr]

Between what we're doing and diabetes.

[Alana Glazer]

I see, I see.

[Bill Burr]

It's like, I'll eat that, but I don't want to lose a fucking toe. I saw this black woman on Instagram was going, I'm going to show you how to make French toast, but you don't even need syrup. And she took like white sugar and brown sugar, like a cup of each and dumped it in the bowl to start. I'm like, well fucking yeah, there you go.

[Alana Glazer]

Right, right, right.

[Bill Burr]

She's making cotton candy.

[Alana Glazer]

But now I think that, I think that people have like connected enough on social media that it's like an anti capitalist conversation. And it's not really like black and white anymore. People are like all talking and seeing the same shit per the.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, well let me ask you this. How do you think they're going to. Because they're going to divide us again. Because they're going to try to make. I thought that they were going to make.

[Alana Glazer]

It's going to be so fucking bad for most people. We will not be divided. It is going to be so fucking bad.

[Bill Burr]

You're optimist. I like that.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah, that's my optimistic take. It is going to be so rank and so our basic human rights are going to be stripped away so quickly. We're going to be like, I actually have all the hope in the world for the people to rise up and elect someone who's even further left than we've ever seen before, but only if we have elections beyond this.

[Bill Burr]

Further left.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah, more genuinely progressive. It's like in the same way that like protests for, you know, anti war protests are like are messaged or narrated to be crazy violent radicals. And it's just like really because they don't want war. Like in the same way progressive values, like thinking everyone should have basic human rights is messaged as this radical thing. But because of social media, even despite the divisive algorithm I find I. I find as an optimistic person, people are connecting.

[Bill Burr]

Do you think you're living in your world on the Internet so they're agreeing with you because like, you have for sure. I don't know. There's also all, you know, everything from fucking. I don't even know who these. I don't even know what they are. I just keep hearing QAnon. Oh, he's one of those QAnon guys. I have no idea.

[Alana Glazer]

My town that I grew up in turn. QAnon. They were like, it's like, it's. It's like almost like self selective.

[Bill Burr]

Store car.

[Alana Glazer]

It's like, it's so conservative. It's like wackadoo. It's almost like, remember like Jews, the laser Jews and layers comes back around.

[Bill Burr]

And you're on Tinder for gay people.

[Alana Glazer]

Kind of. Kind of like, I think, you know, I don't think this has been a relevant conspiracy theory for a while, but remember people used to say that Jews buried dinosaur bones.

[Andrew]

Yes.

[Alana Glazer]

And dinosaurs never really existed. That's like Qanon level.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, I thought, oh, yeah, I remember that. That's true too.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Don't get me started with the Jews and the stegosauruses. Okay. I could talk about that all day.

[Alana Glazer]

We love our dino bones.

[Bill Burr]

Who do you think's gonna win the. The. The Super Bowl?

[Alana Glazer]

Don't even know who's playing.

[Bill Burr]

You don't even know who's playing?

[Alana Glazer]

Well, it's Beyonce.

[Bill Burr]

No, it's not.

[Alana Glazer]

I thought it happened. I honestly thought the super bowl happened.

[Bill Burr]

Do you think the NFL is rigged? Do you think that the Chiefs are getting more.

[Alana Glazer]

I don't care.

[Bill Burr]

Can't you just go along with it and just act like, you know, Rigged?

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah, I mean, it's, isn't it? I mean, it's so it. I. I have no opinion about the NFL. Can I ask you a question?

[Bill Burr]

What do you do with your weekends then? Cause I always. Sometimes I think if I stopped watching football, you know, if I stopped watching other men achieve things, like, what would I be doing with my. Like, what do you.

[Alana Glazer]

I look at the faces of my family. I look at their faces.

[Bill Burr]

You take them in.

[Alana Glazer]

I take them in. And my kid's three and a half. I'm in wonder of the process. And we watch tv, we order lox and bagels. We don't even like, make many plans. We live in Brooklyn, so we'll kind of like step outside and like so much stuff is happening. We don't do much.

[Bill Burr]

Like what those. And then laundry things Flying off the coast of New Jersey. Is that happening in Brooklyn yet?

[Alana Glazer]

What is that?

[Bill Burr]

You've even seen those things?

[Alana Glazer]

No. What is it?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know. They. They kind of look like. Yeah. Car size level.

[Alana Glazer]

Stop. Car sized.

[Bill Burr]

Like SUV level. Drones. And the government isn't saying anything about it. And they just.

[Alana Glazer]

It is the government.

[Bill Burr]

That's what I thought.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, fully. Who the fuck.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, people like. They're like aliens. And I'm like. And we're just going to sit here like isn't at least Tom Cruise.

[Alana Glazer]

That sucks. That's the government.

[Bill Burr]

That is Hanks, one of the Toms.

[Alana Glazer]

What I imagine to be surveillance equipment. It's going to get bad for us.

[Bill Burr]

You can't do this, man. The fucking holidays are coming up, you know? Don't you have nine days in a menorah or some shit coming up?

[Alana Glazer]

Well, eight days and then the middle. The ninth candles are shamus. You know, we just have to be going this dark. We have to be aware and connected.

[Bill Burr]

She's got a new special out called Human Magic.

[Alana Glazer]

I. I don't know. You bring it out in me. What else?

[Bill Burr]

Don't blame the victim. I was over here getting ready to have a nice silly.

[Alana Glazer]

The way you dressed today. You were asking for it. Bill Burger. Is it blue? Is it green? This shirt? I don't know.

[Andrew]

Do you know?

[Bill Burr]

I didn't even know I had this shirt. It's just one of these shirts you find, you know when you have to do your laundry and you're like, what is this?

[Alana Glazer]

It's nice. It's like thick.

[Bill Burr]

It's like. Yeah, like me, this thick headed moron. It fits me.

[Alana Glazer]

That's what you think? I think of you, but I think you're smart and funny.

[Bill Burr]

I was so relieved when I. The first time I met you.

[Andrew]

No.

[Bill Burr]

Because I was such a fan of Broad City. Me and my wife used to watch it all the time and I was like, these.

[Paul Versey]

These.

[Bill Burr]

These fucking broads over here, geniuses. They thought it was the way you put.

[Alana Glazer]

I can't even tell you. That means so much to me. Crazy. That's so crazy. Like in comedy, you get to meet your heroes. It's. I find the art form to be like. You get to meet your heroes quicker and sooner. It's just like. I can't believe it. Thank you so much. I have loved your comedy for so long. You thought I would think it's like.

[Bill Burr]

No, But I did. I did feel like there was a guarded way that you accepted that it became very military. Thank you. I Liked it. Thank you so much.

[Alana Glazer]

Just now?

[Bill Burr]

Yes, yes, just now. So I wasn't sure if that was like. You're the classic comedian that can't take like a compliment.

[Alana Glazer]

It's tough.

[Bill Burr]

It is, right?

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I'm trying to get better at that. You know what I do? You know what I do when somebody compliments me?

[Alana Glazer]

What?

[Bill Burr]

I sit still. But my toes, like, are gripping the inside of the sole of my. Of my sneakers.

[Alana Glazer]

Little shrimp, Little shrimp.

[Bill Burr]

Stop. Stop saying sneakers. Stop saying nice things.

[Alana Glazer]

That's so sweet.

[Bill Burr]

Let's say nice things.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah, but don't stop.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, but don't stop because I have.

[Alana Glazer]

A bottomless pit inside that needs your validation.

[Bill Burr]

I fill up my bottomless pit with hobbies.

[Alana Glazer]

Wait, I had a question. I'm so sorry, but now I'm interrupting. Tell me, I'll ask it later. I have.

[Bill Burr]

No, it's fine.

[Alana Glazer]

What are your hobbies? Oh, I know flying because I listened to the Kevin pod. Flying's crazy. And that your conspiracy.

[Bill Burr]

That's how I got into flying helicopters.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And in case went down, man, I was gonna get my helicopter. I don't know where it's gonna go.

[Alana Glazer]

Where do you store it at an airport? Is the gasoline expensive? As.

[Bill Burr]

Aviation is just expensive. It's fucking annoyingly expensive. Like some little stupid thing like they have like on like the, I guess on the windshield you'd call it, you have a little trim string where you stay in trim, you know, and it's just. It's a fucking. It's a piece of yarn that just makes you stay in trim. It lets you know if you know if you're going straight, it adds metal fatigue. If you're going straight, it doesn't add it. It's streamlined. But if you were to the side like that, it's just adding mental fatigue which you can't really see during a pre flight. So it's kind of dangerous. So anyways, it's literally just a piece of yarn. All right? And it's one of those things where I know because it's starting to wear out. And I know when I need a new piece because it's going to be on a helicopter. It's going to cost like 750 bucks.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh my God. Jesus.

[Bill Burr]

It's one of those things.

[Alana Glazer]

Do you only fly like on clear days? In the morning, lol, I go in the fog. No, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

[Bill Burr]

A more life than when you're flying in the clouds without an instrument rating.

[Alana Glazer]

Do you have a destination to which you would. To where you would fly.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. And then you have. What you just keep doing is you keep expanding the areas where you fly and you're comfortable and you know how to get in and out of airports or transition the airspace. And it's a. It's an amazing.

[Alana Glazer]

I'm nervous. I'm nervous.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, okay. It's a. I thought it was boring. No, it's a.

[Alana Glazer]

Whenever I'm nervous at a global scale, you know, a global political scale, you know, and then also personal. Really hoping you're doing everything safely.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. No, aviation is unbelievably. It's. It's my. As my instructor says, aviation is. Is as safe as you are. All right.

[Alana Glazer]

So is John Travolta one of your heroes?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Alana Glazer]

Good answer.

[Bill Burr]

Fuck yeah. I mean, Vinnie Barbarino is one of the greatest characters.

[Alana Glazer]

Baby, I'm talking about it. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

All time.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah. Okay. My question you were talking about as.

[Bill Burr]

Far as, like, you know, flying a jumbo jet. I have no. And driving it into my driveway. I don't want a life that big.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Having a bunch of toupees. I'm not into that. I just.

[Andrew]

Crazy.

[Alana Glazer]

You know, Adele does.

[Bill Burr]

I think he likes me because he took my look?

[Alana Glazer]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

He went.

[Alana Glazer]

He went.

[Bill Burr]

Shaved head.

[Alana Glazer]

Do you know Adele Dazim?

[Bill Burr]

First person ever to do that. I'm kidding. What?

[Alana Glazer]

Do you know Adele Dazim?

[Bill Burr]

The singer?

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

Is that her name?

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, you were thinking of Adele. Oh, that's so funny. No, you. You have to see this clip of John Travolta calling Idina Menzel Adele Dazim at an award show. It's like, weirdly, like, queer canon now. But it's. It's so incredible.

[Bill Burr]

Queer canon.

[Alana Glazer]

It's like. What?

[Bill Burr]

I love how you speak in English and there's so many of these fucking terms you're using. I don't know. Okay, What? Queer canon. Cannon fodder. They're into it. Oh, yes, honey.

[Andrew]

Yes.

[Paul Versey]

We are here for it.

[Alana Glazer]

When you see this clip, you will be making those sounds. It's incredible. It's incredible. John Travolta introduces Idina Menzel. Feigns familiarity, but says her name completely.

[Bill Burr]

Decency to act like he had any idea who.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

She was.

[Alana Glazer]

That's true. That's true.

[Bill Burr]

And he butchered her name. Oh, you know, it just. It happens. Wait, is Vinny my age and John's age? You know, 56.

[Alana Glazer]

Cool. You look great.

[Bill Burr]

Huh? Yeah, I look great for my age. Okay, great.

[Alana Glazer]

I'm 37. You're, like, almost 20 years older. Than me?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, you're a child.

[Alana Glazer]

LOL.

[Bill Burr]

Okay? You don't know shit.

[Alana Glazer]

I like, get up. My knees are like.

[Bill Burr]

Let me tell you how this world is, Missy.

[Alana Glazer]

No, I'm technically officially entering middle age. Please.

[Bill Burr]

Is Vinny 47 times two? What is that?

[Alana Glazer]

None of us.

[Andrew]

No, we don't have 14.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, you're middle age. I'm done. I'm 56 times two.

[Alana Glazer]

Drop dead, baby.

[Bill Burr]

56 times two is dead?

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah. Wait, two things. Is Vinnie Barbarina, welcome Back Cotter or Disco Thing?

[Bill Burr]

What's that?

[Alana Glazer]

No, it's no same guy. But I'm saying, is it welcome Back, Hotter, Vinnie Barbarita or Barbarino? It is.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Alana Glazer]

You know, I didn't know if it was Staying Alive. I forget the fucking movie.

[Bill Burr]

No, he was like a fucking juggernaut. Like that guy.

[Alana Glazer]

Please. In the 90s too.

[Bill Burr]

No, but like the 70s, it was like he became the face of it. And then it then ended up having one of the greatest comebacks of all time. And how quickly that went, because it seemed to me like 77. 78 to 83, when I was a kid was a long time. So from. In 77, 76 or 75, he gets on welcome back Carter. 77. He does staying a lot. Not Saturday Night Fever. And then he does grease in 79.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew]

And just.

[Bill Burr]

He was a meteor. And then by like, he. Then he did Urban Cowboy, which. Which started a whole fashion movement of white guys in New York City dressing like they had a ranch.

[Alana Glazer]

He was so cute, if you can believe that. Yeah.

[Andrew]

So.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, he was the Dorbs.

[Bill Burr]

He was a regular Dorbs in that gay cannon fire.

[Alana Glazer]

Sorry. Wait. I have a couple other things I want to tell you. Welcome Back Hotter I would see on Nickelodeon and like, Late night whatever the fuck it was Nick at night. And Juan Epstein was the first time I saw my hair on television. You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

I loved Juan Epstein.

[Alana Glazer]

So funny.

[Bill Burr]

Signed Epstein's Mother.

[Alana Glazer]

So funny. And then Horshack, too, was hysterical.

[Bill Burr]

He was my neighbor right down the street.

[Alana Glazer]

Horseshack.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, but he was agoraphobic, so he would never come out.

[Alana Glazer]

That makes sense. Never come out.

[Bill Burr]

He wasn't agoraphobic till I moved in the neighborhood.

[Andrew]

Sure.

[Bill Burr]

Then he was just like, I'm not coming out anymore.

[Alana Glazer]

And then what was the other thing? Well, just one thing I want to ask you. How long have you not been drinking?

[Bill Burr]

Six years.

[Alana Glazer]

Wow. Mazel tov. Congratulations.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Is that seriously you like? Okay. I can't tell. I can't tell you got a pole.

[Alana Glazer]

I barely joke. I am a clown. You know what I mean? Like, I barely am making a joke. So I'm just coming to terms with that. No, I'm fully serious, fully earnest. And I've, like, struggled with my drinking and I just haven't been drinking for the past few months. And I'm like, maybe this is my thing. Maybe this is who I am now.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, don't struggle. You just stare into it.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And just totally ruin your life. And then you go, ah.

[Alana Glazer]

There's one ingredient I could eliminate and things wouldn't be.

[Paul Versey]

I wish.

[Bill Burr]

I wish I tried a couple of times to stop. I wish I should have stopped. Oh, Christ. Somewhere in my early 30s, I should have stopped. I knew it was time to stop and I decided that I was going to go for another 20 years. You know, I just figured, you know what, A couple of decades of having to apologize and regret. Yeah. All right, everybody. We have a new advertiser here in the podcast. The legendary brand. You don't get any more American than this. Harley Davidson. Thank you to our sponsor, Harley Davidson. I bought their 2024 Road Glide CVO. I absolutely love it. And if I can look cool on it, so can you. It's like basically, if you took the vibe of a Cadillac, I can't explain it. I just. It's like a horse. I look at the thing, I just. It's like I'm riding a Clydesdale. I absolutely love it. It's huge. Everybody can see me. Sometimes I just sit and look at it.

[Andrew]

How about that?

[Bill Burr]

Like it's a friggin painting. It's so gorgeous. What features do I love about it? I love the chopped fairing. I love the radio cranking, AC dc. Riding a Harley Davidson. I mean, I ride down the street, it's such a cool bike. I feel like I know how to fight. You understand? Like, I'll pull over and I'll fight three guys off the vibe of the thing. It's smooth as hell. I mean, you know, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? You sit on your couch, you're gonna get on a Harley Davidson and ride through the canyons and feel like a fucking American. Not to say you can't do that in Canada. If you ever dreamed of hitting the open road on two wheels but didn't know where to start, let me tell you about the Harley Davidson Riding Academy. Whether you're a total newbie or just looking to sharpen your riding skills, Harley's got your back. Their expert Instructors will guide you every step of the way. I'm going to do this on real Harvey David Harley Davidson motorcycles, no less. You'll go from what's a clutch? To confidently cruising the streets like a pro. Visit harleydavidson.com Bill Burr to sign up for the Harley. I got to do it. I should show up for this thing. Riding Harley Davidson Riding Academy website which allows you to learn how to ride a motorcycle and get your license. Visit harleydavidson.com Bill Burr to sign up. That's got to be the most fun stuff I've ever read on this podcast. Very excited for that. I want to take that class, you.

[Andrew]

Know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

Andrew. All right, this is the next one we got. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's him. Guys. Sometimes intimate moments happen spontaneously and we always want to be ready so we can perform in the bedroom. HIMS provides access what are you eating? These things like gummies just in case it happens. HIMS provides access to treatments that can help you stay hard and last longer, giving you the boost and confidence you need so you can be ready whenever the mood strikes. Your sex life is important, but your schedule is busy. You don't have the time for foreplay.

[Paul Versey]

Just pop one.

[Bill Burr]

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[Alana Glazer]

And do you do anything else like weed, mushrooms, whatever?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I smoke weed. You know, nothing crazy. I'm like a two puff guy. And then I'm just like, I don't like that. And then like the gummies are too strong. And then every once in a while I take mushrooms. So I took one like once a year or twice a year. So I took one the other day and I thought it was just going to be sort of a body high and I was by myself and it, it got into vivid color and then it got into like, what's going on with that guy's face? Right? And I was going. When I was talking about the gloom and doom, I remember my trip ended with me laying on my side going, it'll all be over soon. Just repeating that to myself because sort of the overwhelming. I don't know, it's why I don't watch the news. And I actually find watching people arguing back and forth online, I find it depressing.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, my God. It's meant to dehumanize you.

[Bill Burr]

Is that I don't know what it is.

[Andrew]

Absolutely.

[Alana Glazer]

And it's meant to make you feel like there's no hope. The reason I am, I just can't.

[Andrew]

Believe people fall for it.

[Bill Burr]

It's like you watch a video about, it's about Michael Jordan or it's about somebody making like a cake or something. And then some of you, yeah, thanks, Joe Biden. Or they're like, yeah, not in Donald Trump's thing. And then these people just jump on the hook. They just do that. And a lot of times I guess they're just bots trying to get you to interact. And if I was running shit, let me tell you something. Me and my two by four.

[Andrew]

Oh, Billy.

[Bill Burr]

Gonna clean up the streets.

[Alana Glazer]

What's up?

[Bill Burr]

If you had a fucking robot that was out there trying to get people in your own country to argue about politics, about everything, you would be hung in the street for fucking treason.

[Alana Glazer]

That's right.

[Bill Burr]

I would fucking.

[Andrew]

I would.

[Bill Burr]

All of those guys on CNN Fox News, right in fucking jail.

[Alana Glazer]

Yep.

[Bill Burr]

You make money off of dividing Americans every fucking day. And like that bullshit, like CNN was talking about the CEO guy and they were all that, the reactions. And people are not into this stuff. It's like they didn't know that. And now the only reason why they're talk is because everybody's talking about it and they're just using it to get views and make some fucking money.

[Alana Glazer]

And then they are so fucking out of touch, like, okay, so the reason I am in, why I am an activist and involved in progressive politics is because I am very scared and so desperately need to have hope. And I see good people doing.

[Bill Burr]

I just thought you wanted to get beaten up in a park. That's what being an activist.

[Alana Glazer]

No, that actually works just being a woman. But I just, I need it. And there are good, smart, excellent fucking people in the right places at the right time. And here's like, also, like, you make me optimistic. I actually thought you were so funny and great when I was a kid. But like you saying this right now, I feel empowered to. I feel relieved and empowered, you know, like, I didn't. I guess part of this is why you thought I would perceive you as some man or whatever.

[Bill Burr]

But it's like fucking meathead.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah, but it's like, you know, it's. It's like you give me hope and those people give me hope. And actually when it comes down to the popular vote, it was pretty much 50, 50 by the final count. It was like off by 2 million. That's like pretty much 50, 50.

[Bill Burr]

I didn't even watch it.

[Alana Glazer]

And then he gained.

[Bill Burr]

Maybe as a woman, you're thinking too much.

[Alana Glazer]

For sure.

[Andrew]

For sure.

[Alana Glazer]

I need to be missy.

[Bill Burr]

Just leave those big problems for men.

[Alana Glazer]

I need to like submit and calm down. I agree. But I can't stop thinking. And I'm also a masculine woman, so I do just have those wheels turning. And I'm doing all those calculations. He gained 3 million followers. Okay, voters. The guy who won the election. Listen, but they Democrats, they Democrats lost 8 million. And I think it's because people were so dehumanized seeing all this murder and horrible shooting.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I thought it was because they had Mr. Magoo in office. I thought that that was the big problem at the last second.

[Alana Glazer]

That too. That too. And also that our tax dollars are like going to all this like, horrible murder, I think was like, what was so dehumanizing.

[Bill Burr]

I just think the last three presidential elections, like what we were choosing between shouldn't be acceptable to anybody. It should not be acceptable. It's a fucking joke.

[Alana Glazer]

The big money in politics.

[Bill Burr]

You got a guy who starts a sentence and by the time he gets to the end of it, he can't remember what he said in the beginning. And then you have, like, the biggest con artist ever. And, you know, what about liberals? The last three elections, they didn't let you pick who you were voting for. That's right, Bernie Sanders. Two times in a row, they're like, no, fuck you. Here's the company man. And then they stick with Mr. Magoo until like, fucking three, four months out. You know, I don't know. I just. I choose to live a small life now. That's all I do. I try to go to mom and pop places, try to stay out of the box stores. I don't want. And I've gotten to the point. Not only do I not watch politics anymore, I'm starting to pull back from sports because now they're all involved in just like, we're entertainment leagues. You can pay college players. And now I saw some billionaire going in, going, this is a tremendous opportunity. Like, these college teams are going to be for sale. It's just like, do you have to fucking own everything?

[Alana Glazer]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

Do you have to fucking own everything? Why can't you just. And then what? And then what? If you're. They're gonna move Alabama to Memphis if they don't give them a new fucking stadium like they do at a pro level. It's like, you can't get away. You can't get away. That's what I hate is you cannot fucking. Like, where is my escape from all of this? Like, I'm watching, like, the World Series, and in the middle of it, they have this stand up for cancer. And everybody stands up sad, holding these signs that everybody knows somebody that dies of cancer, but nobody brings up that our food supply is totally fucking poison. And then if you sit there going, like, can I just watch a fucking baseball game without being reminded that corporations are killing their own fucking countrymen and nobody's going to do or say anything about it. But if you stand at a baseball game with fucking tears in your eyes, like the Indian with the pollution when I was a kid, which they also did nothing about, like, I'm supposed to somehow feel better.

[Andrew]

It's.

[Bill Burr]

It's annoying. So now I'm just into music. I just listen to music.

[Alana Glazer]

I love it. I love it.

[Bill Burr]

I listen to the little Shola thing.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, I love it.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus fucking music.

[Paul Versey]

That's my wheelhouse.

[Alana Glazer]

Alfred Burr I think you're doing exactly what you're supposed to do. I think you're curling up into a ball.

[Bill Burr]

Yes.

[Alana Glazer]

And also giving peace and focusing on your personal world and what makes you feel safe and healthy as a.

[Bill Burr]

You sound like a therapist. Wrapping up our session. And there's some other.

[Alana Glazer]

Well, we are out of time. No, we're not.

[Bill Burr]

We are out of time, and you're just. You're putting up healthy boundaries.

[Alana Glazer]

I want to say I. I. For me, I'm like, I am here to fight for X number of years. For me, Bill, I'm here to fight. And I. There are the progressive. There is a progressive movement building, and the people are getting smarter and smarter and smarter. And the technology is trying to, you know, beat us, but it won't because it's made by us.

[Bill Burr]

And when you say we and us, are these the voices in your head, or do you actually have some sort of coalition out there?

[Alana Glazer]

I feel I'm somewhat in touch with Gen Z and millennial culture at large. And that I am speaking for. I'll call it a vibe. I won't go. So I like vibe. I won't go so far to say the culture or the people, but I'm speaking to a vibe, what I believe is accurately.

[Bill Burr]

All right, well, I just wanted to have you on because I thought you were fucking hilarious. I know that you have a new special coming out.

[Alana Glazer]

Making you giggle makes me so happy.

[Bill Burr]

No, you make me feel like I need to be better at what I do. I'm not lying.

[Alana Glazer]

I love that. Oh, my gosh. I make you feel like you need to be a better man. I fucking do that.

[Bill Burr]

I didn't say that. Well, I said better at comedy.

[Alana Glazer]

I mean, it is so much, but.

[Bill Burr]

Although, do I win an Oscar if I say that? Remember those awful 90s fucking movies?

[Alana Glazer]

That is so sweet. Oh, my gosh. Stop. I'm not.

[Bill Burr]

Listen, we've moved on. When?

[Alana Glazer]

When?

[Bill Burr]

When they were just like, you're so good. When they were. I just realized I couldn't drive across town with you.

[Alana Glazer]

Why?

[Bill Burr]

Because I have to dominate the conversation.

[Alana Glazer]

You can't drive and submit in a conversation.

[Bill Burr]

Women in my world are there to listen and validate what I just said. I don't know what I was going to say.

[Alana Glazer]

You got two kids.

[Bill Burr]

Tell me about.

[Alana Glazer]

Are they teens or above? Teenage.

[Bill Burr]

They're 46 and 37. I started young. So when people sit down to watch your special. Now that you've given us your fucking manifesto on what's going to be happening here, is this going to be. Oh, my God.

[Alana Glazer]

I really sold it well, didn't I?

[Paul Versey]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Is this special going to be on fucking the libertarian channel?

[Andrew]

Like, what is it.

[Bill Burr]

Is it going to be on the gay canon?

[Alana Glazer]

It's going to be on the gay canon progressive movement sector of Hulu.

[Bill Burr]

I am going to see my wife after this, and I am going to somehow work gay canon into whatever, try.

[Alana Glazer]

To sell it too, and see what she says. She going to call you out so quick, though.

[Andrew]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, are you kidding me? If I come home with her ears going to probably. Who the are you?

[Alana Glazer]

That's so funny. Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

Gay canon. Why didn't you call somebody? Somebody should be calling their. Their special.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, my God. And that's so funny because it's kind of a euphemism for a butthole or penis.

[Bill Burr]

No, that would be a rocket. I don't know. Now just picturing a gay man's gaping asshole shooting shit out a penis.

[Alana Glazer]

I think it doesn't matter.

[Bill Burr]

You know, most people, they try to do a little bit of research on gay vernacular before they just loosely throw it out there to the masses. Okay, so when is the special coming out?

[Alana Glazer]

It's coming out December 20th. When is this coming?

[Bill Burr]

My heart just skipped skip where she was gonna be like, it's already out.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, oh.

[Bill Burr]

And I haven't watched that.

[Alana Glazer]

We would just retake. We would just redo it. I have no ego, Bill. You never have to watch it, and I will cherish this experience.

[Bill Burr]

I tell you something, if you had no ego, there. There wouldn't be a reason to say that. I feel like what you're trying to do.

[Alana Glazer]

Noted is.

[Bill Burr]

Is like.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah, noted.

[Bill Burr]

It's like, you know, people who wear stuff that has, like, spiritual. Like, they'll have something spiritual written on their shirt.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, my God. You know, spiritual written is like girl. But if it's like a net, like a necklace with a spiritual symbol, I believe it.

[Bill Burr]

You do?

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah. Somebody wears a cross or a Jewish star.

[Bill Burr]

Is it negated by dreadlocks? As a white person? Just like.

[Alana Glazer]

As a white person. Yes.

[Bill Burr]

White dreads, but. Okay, so you see the necklace, okay. And you're like, oh, my God. Spiritual. Then you see the dreads. You're like, oh, my God. No. But then you see them with a Bernie Sanders tambourine.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah. I don't.

[Bill Burr]

Does it come back around again?

[Alana Glazer]

No. First of all, first thing I'm noticing is the dreads for sure. On a white person. I'm like, whoa, you have dreads. And if they're holding a tambourine. I would say that I'm noticing the cross last and I have no conclusion to draw.

[Bill Burr]

What is that white dread thing? Is that just. I have no personality. I have to desperately seem like I'm interesting. Is that what it is?

[Alana Glazer]

Your words?

[Bill Burr]

Why can't you come along for the ride?

[Alana Glazer]

I am sure.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah, agreed.

[Bill Burr]

Agreed.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Alana Glazer]

No personality. Yeah. I don't. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what it is, but.

[Bill Burr]

Maybe that how you think this went? This one's pretty good.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, I'm delighted.

[Bill Burr]

I could go chatting here with an.

[Alana Glazer]

Old man now who's. Now who has the healthy boundaries. Ending the conversation.

[Bill Burr]

No, I have to get back to a writer's room.

[Alana Glazer]

Oh, my gosh. That's right.

[Bill Burr]

It just keep. It just never stops.

[Alana Glazer]

That's right, that's right.

[Bill Burr]

If you could just write up till December 24 at midnight, that would be fantastic. Yeah, read it over the break. You say happy New Year and then you get back in the room also.

[Alana Glazer]

No, you won't read it over the break. You're going to come back to me mid Jan and be like, well, we're getting to it this weekend.

[Bill Burr]

Mid Jan. Yeah, I like how you talk mid January. Cannon fodder.

[Alana Glazer]

Cannon fodder.

[Bill Burr]

Human magic.

[Alana Glazer]

Human magic. December 20th on Hulu.

[Bill Burr]

Where did you shoot it?

[Alana Glazer]

Disney plus worldwide. Toronto, Elgin and Winter Garden Theater.

[Andrew]

Oh, that's cool.

[Bill Burr]

Why? Why, why Canada? Are you Canadian?

[Alana Glazer]

No, I had just done everything else.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, all right.

[Alana Glazer]

You know, I was so lucky, though.

[Bill Burr]

Because conquered every other mountain you like. Jesus, I'm done with this country.

[Alana Glazer]

I.

[Bill Burr]

What is Drake running? Toronto.

[Andrew]

Fuck that bitch.

[Bill Burr]

Here I come.

[Alana Glazer]

But I was so lucky because Toronto is such a good town to perform for. I was like, oh, my God, this.

[Bill Burr]

And I also love that Montreal hates them, you know.

[Alana Glazer]

Didn't realize that. Didn't know that.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah. It's a hockey thing. I just like, oh, great. It's so. It's a weird hatred where, like, they hate Toronto almost as much as they hate as the Bruins. But at least we've won and we've beat them in series. Toronto never makes the playoffs and they hate him. But what it comes down to, I think is they're more English speaking in Montreal. Thinks they're French, which is hilarious.

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew]

You know what I mean?

[Alana Glazer]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I always tease Rich Voss for how hard he talks about Israel and it's just like he just.

[Alana Glazer]

He's just a Jew.

[Bill Burr]

You know what he is? He's a golf hustler in New Jersey. Like, weighing in on this.

[Alana Glazer]

Golf?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, Golf hustler.

[Alana Glazer]

And is he a comedian?

[Bill Burr]

Sort of.

[Alana Glazer]

Copy that. Incredible.

[Bill Burr]

This is all for Rich.

[Alana Glazer]

I love it. I love it. It's off. What? Off Rich. Hysterical.

[Bill Burr]

I told him I go, rich, Israel considers you Jewish the way French people consider Montreal people.

[Alana Glazer]

That's right.

[Bill Burr]

You're not.

[Paul Versey]

You're.

[Bill Burr]

You're American.

[Alana Glazer]

That's right.

[Bill Burr]

They're Canadian.

[Alana Glazer]

Thank you, sir.

[Bill Burr]

And keep your face out of my business. Yeah, you're bringing us down. No, I love Rich and. But not his comedy.

[Alana Glazer]

Love it. I want to make that statement so funny and I love that.

[Bill Burr]

Okay. All right. Well, thank you for coming on.

[Alana Glazer]

Thanks for having me.

[Bill Burr]

I'm so psyched to finally have met you.

[Alana Glazer]

Me too.

[Bill Burr]

And that, you know, I'm going to.

[Alana Glazer]

Just text you annoying shit. You're going to be like, fuck, you're going to really regret it.

[Bill Burr]

I'm going to.

[Alana Glazer]

And progressive, like queer canon is what I'm going to send you.

[Bill Burr]

What I'm going to do is it's going to be a slow, slow build, build towards Qanon. Right. And I'm just gonna do. But then I'm gonna be cool in between. And where you're like, all right, maybe I didn't get that show.

[Alana Glazer]

Right. Right.

[Bill Burr]

And then I'm just gonna sort of curate it where you think I'm slowly.

[Alana Glazer]

Losing my fucking mind, just controlling my woman mind. That's not gonna fall for it so hard.

[Bill Burr]

And then I go total flat earth.

[Alana Glazer]

All right. Okay.

[Bill Burr]

The special is called Human Magic. It's on Hulu and Disney plus Ilana Glazer, one of the fucking brilliant comedic minds we have today. Thank the podcast. Thank you guys for watching. Have a wonderful weekend. And that's all I got. We'll see you.

[Andrew]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 12, 2016. What's going on? How are you? I've got to be a little quiet, man. It's only like 6:30 in the morning out here. My lovely wife is still sleeping and so I'm trying not to wake her up. I'm upstairs. Gonna try to be a good boy this fucking week. All right. I'm still gonna say all the fucked up shit I always say. I'm just gonna say it at a volume. It's, you know, a little more palatable for someone else. You know, I woke up this morning, badoo, badoo. Boop. I heard this big Fucking booming noise. And you ever get that feeling like you're like, did I just dream that or is somebody in the house? Right? And then you immediately start thinking like, all right, I got kitchen knives, I got a softball bat right next to my bed. And. But the reality is, you know, as much as people are a want gun control and all of that, I mean, that's the first thing you think of, you know. You know, there should be a fucking thing, right, where if you, if you look, if they can fucking test you one goddamn time, you answer like five fucking questions. Then all of a sudden, you never have to go through any sort of fucking, you know, major security at the airport because one time you didn't act like a fucking lunatic. And then I guess you're good for the rest of your life. Why can't just like one time, they can't come up with the same type of a test. Whatever the fuck they're seeing down at the airport, they can't come up with that for fucking regular people, you know? You know, it'd be perfect. Just have a fucking.38 and they let you have a silencer. Now, fuck that, a Glock with the silencer. Because you don't want to ruin your ears. You just want to kill the person that comes in your house, right? It'd be great. Be right there next to your table and the person comes walking in, you know, give me all your fucking money. Just reach over. He fucking hit the ground. You put the gun back down, you just go back to sleep and, you know, a couple hours, you wake back up again. You're like, hey, who's this? Your brother in law came up. Oh, oh, that's right, that's right. Honey. Yeah, while you were sleeping, some guy broke in. Yeah, he's dead. You want to call the cops? I'll get some, you know, get the coffee going. You know, everybody, you know, they tell you don't have a knife or anything like that. You want bat will give you distance. But at the end of the day, you know what I mean? There has to be some sort of test. They look at your fucking driving record, right? How you did in high school. Jesus. I'd be out the window. I don't know what the fuck, however the fuck they do it, okay? And you know, you just get, you get, you get a Glock with a fucking silencer. You don't hurt your ears, you know, the aim, center mass or whatever be. It would be a great fucking thing. I really think would be a great thing. You know, as long as you knew what everybody's feet sounded like on the floor in your house. As long as you know what you knew what their walk sounded like. That would be the test, right there. All your loved ones in your house, they would. From bare feet to fucking snowshoes. You just had to be like, all right, that's my son Mikey, okay? That's my wife, and she's wearing Uggs, right? And you get it all down, right? So then you know what the fucking sound is? I don't know. I'm just saying. I had a little fucking hearing noise. I got a little nervous, and I was just like, what am I, Jason fucking Born over here? I'm not. You know, my wife's been snoring to beat the fucking band now that she's in the third trimester, which is understandable. The kid's laying on her fucking lungs, so I have to go upstairs to sleep. And all of this shit went through my fucking head, right? Like, what if somebody came in downstairs, took out my wife and left with no fucking fingerprints? They're gonna blame me. That's the first thing I thought. Not, oh, my God, my pregnant wife was going to be dead. First thing I thought is, I'm gonna go to jail for that. That's what. You know, I'm really selfish. When I'm in the middle of the night, I'm really groggy like. Like right now I'm awake, and I'd be like, well, I would be, too. I wouldn't give a fuck what they did to me at that point. I'd be so upset that I lost my wife. But when I'm laying here, nice and toasty under the sheets, that's the first thing I thought of. Like, oh, man, I love this bed. I wouldn't have this bed in jail. Anyways, we're getting down to it, people. There's only another fucking 19 days left in this year, dude. Fuck Christmas, by the way. Fuck Christmas. Right up the old fucking yahoo. All right? Fuck that stupid ass fucking holiday. It's for fucking kids. The level of fucking pressure I have to run around and buy fucking adults fucking presence. What, do you want to choo choo train, you fucking cunt? I don't have time for this shit. I got too much other stuff to do, you know? It's fucking brutal, man. I had one of the worst. One of the worst. Fuck, I wasn't gonna talk about this. I had one of the worst fucking weeks of my life. And this Christmas music in the background is fucking driving me nuts. I'm gonna gloss over all of this shit. Cause I've never gotten emotional on the podcast. I do not wanna do it now. You know, I told you one of my good friends died. I went to the memorial service and you know, his two, you know, he's got two kids, 10 years old, went up and spoke at it. The most heart wrenching thing I ever saw. And then Thursday, I know this is going to be probably devastating to a lot of you guys. I had to give my dog away. Yes. Oh, Cleo. I had to do it. I got a baby coming. And the Cleo that you hear on the podcast is not the Cleo that unfortunately when anybody else comes to the door and you know, she tried to attack my parents, my brother in law, my father in law, all of my friends. She bit one of my friends, nipped him and was just like it, you know, it was a ticking fucking time bond for seven years with the dog. I love the dog to death. My wife loves the dog. I was fucking devastated. It's the most devastating thing I've had to do. It's just one of those adult decisions where it was like my brain was like, there's no fucking way you can have a baby crawling around that then becomes a toddler and they don't know how to fucking pet a dog. And then she gets a little older and then has friends over and their parents come over. It was just a. It was a ticking time bomb. She does not do well adjusting to new things and something horrible was going to happen and then she was going to get put down. So I had to do the responsible thing and found her a great home. And this is what kills me is she's totally adjusted now and is fucking happy as shit. And I'm fucking devastated because she's a fucking dog. And within four days they're like, oh, is this the new deal? You're the guy now. All right, so I'll tell you a quick story, dude. Fucking. I had to hand the dog off to my trainer, right? So the whole morning I don't want to act emotional because I don't want the dog to be nervous. And so I took her on one last hike. It was fucking brutal. And then I was gathering up all her stuff, I give it all to the trainer and I go to hand off the fucking dog. And it's like, I didn't want her to be nervous, so I barely even said goodbye. I was like, all right, buddy, okay, see you later. Because I didn't want it to be nervous because I love it so Much. And then I fucking, you know. You know, the trainer takes it. And then I went back in the house, went to the bathroom, and then fucking cried like a little boy. It was fucking brutal. Ah, brutal. You know, it's fucking hilarious the way women handle this fucking emotion. Like, my wife, like, sobbed like five or six fucking times, including the night before. And then their ability to fucking move ahead is fucking astounding. Like, they can know it's sad, deal with it being sad. They fucking cry it out of them. And then. I'm not saying she's not heartbroken, she's fucking devastated. But, like, their ability, their fucking ability to handle shit like that versus a guy, Guys fucking deny, deny, deny, and then they just hold on to the shit, you know what I mean? Everybody's got that fucking buddy of theirs, you know what I mean? They're married, they got a couple of kids, but you get like two, three scotches in them. They start talking about some broad from fucking 25 years ago. It's like, dude, when are you gonna let it go? Because you know we're not allowed. Like, when I cried over my dog, the whole time, I was fighting it. So it was like an eight second cry.

[Paul Versey]

Poohoo.

[Andrew]

Done. All right, fight it off. Just keep it right there in your chest. Keep it fucking right there. And then, you know, I'm telling you, fucking like nine years from now, I'll be at a fucking Christmas party and have a couple too many fucking zinfandels and I'll lash out at somebody and they'd be like, dude, where the fuck did that come from? And it's. And I'm not even going to know. It's going to be because I didn't hug my dog before. I mean, I definitely, you know, I did with the days coming up and that type of shit, but I should have given it one last fucking hug. But I knew I couldn't do it, you know, so. All right, let's pass that. Let's get past that. Anyways, so I went to the Rams game yesterday, by the way. I did hit pause to regroup. Brutal, brutal, brutal week. And the whole time I got to sit here, listen to fucking Christmas music everywhere I go. You know, if I had a hammer, I'd. Hammer? Is that a Christmas song? It's kind of a psycho song, right? Second adult says, if I had a hammer. We all know what a hammer is for, dude. All right. I don't know. I always get nervous when I hear that first sentence, if I had a hammer. Anyway, so I Went to the Rams vs Atlanta Falcons game yesterday. A buddy of mine had tickets and I was like, dude, I gotta go. Because I really wanted to see the Los Angeles Rams playing in the LA Memorial Coliseum. I mean, that's where all the greats played from the Rams history, right? I believe Eric Dickerson played there before he went to. Before they moved down to Anaheim. Probably the last of the greats to play there. The fearsome foursome, right? Lamar. Lamar Lundy, Merlin Olson, Rosie Greer, Deacon Jones. Who else? Roman Gabriel. That was all before my time. Then I came in when it was the fucking quarterback controversy of Pat Hayden, Vince Ferragamo, Wendell Tyler, right? Jim and Jack Youngblood. What was crazy about them is back then, if somebody had the same. Always if somebody has the same last name as you, they put just your first initial and then a period. But it was Jack and Jim, so they had to write their whole names. It said Jack Youngblood on the back. It never looked right. It looked fucking weird. But anyways, I went there and it was the typical language sporting experience that you. A lot of times where there's just as many fans, if not more fans, because it's a transient city. It really has nothing to do with LA fans. There's just so many people like myself that moved out here, you know, chasing the old Hollywood dream. Or if people are just sick of, you know, just bad weather, People are just always moving it, by the way. Dude, I'm telling you right now, dude, this fucking real estate bubble out here of them building all of these fucking luxury apartment buildings, you know, where I fucking go over and play hockey. They got this thing, the Pickwick hockey thing, that's also a bowling alley in a function room. They're fucking knocking that whole thing down. Knocking that whole fucking thing down because they're going to have luxury apartments. It's just. There's going to be no place to skate out here. The one that was over in fucking. Was it Century City or some shit, I always get confused over there. Begins with the C. It ain't content. I don't know what it is. They fucking. That one's done now. This one's gone. The only one. The ones I know. There's one down by the airport and there's one over near, like. Near Sherman Oaks Valley Ice Center. And other than that, I don't know. I'll have to go buy some roller blades, right? Some little short shorts. Do that stupid thing, you know, we set up the cones and you come up to them and turn around backwards, right? Anyways, yeah, dude. So they have. So they had this. They put up this one building, right? And really impressive building. It's over near Beverly Hills. So I was just like, oh, you know, see what that building is about? I go on the Internet, right? It's called the 10,000. I'm like, all right, why is it called the 10,000? It's called the 10,000 because that's the amount of money you have to pay a month to live there, I guess. Bare minimum. How fucking tacky is like, how many times are we gonna fucking do this? You know what I mean? It's like we always act. There's always like some sort of, like, crash. And everybody fucking loses everything. And by everybody, I mean the fucking lower 99% gets their fucking asses kicked. And then, you know, give it a couple years, and all of a sudden it just comes right back out around again to the Bud Fox. Greed is good, dude. How fucking tacky is that? The name of the building is the minimum is how much you're paying in rent. Jesus Christ. Have a little bit of fucking class. Yeah, they're just everywhere. They're putting up luxury apartments. I don't know where the fuck they're going to find all these people to fill these things, but I guarantee you they're not going to do it. Like, I was thinking of buying a small apartment building out here, but everybody's fucking buying them up. I can't even afford to fucking get in one or, you know, just because it's stupid. It's like at the height of the fucking market, you know, I was thinking of buying like a parking garage or some shit. Just a parking lot, you know? The fuck are all these people gonna park? It's that building parking underneath the goddamn things. Ah, they got it all figured out, you know. I guess I'll be telling jokes for the rest of my fucking life. I'm trying to have some sort of something. A lemonade stand or something where I get into my older fucking years. I got some sort of loot coming in that doesn't have to do with me fucking putting on my tap dancing shoes. I don't know. So anyways, I went to the. The Los Angeles Rams game yesterday, and it was so great to see them play there, even though they had a fucking brutal game. They were down 42 to nothing to Maddie Ice and fucking. Fucking the Rams. And I mean the. The Falcons. And evidently their best receiver, whoever the fuck that is. Julio Jones or some shit. I think I heard that name. Is that a baseball player? I don't know, I don't play fantasy sports and I'm too fucking busy to really pay attention as much as I used to. He wasn't even playing and they just kicked the shit out of him. You know, it was funny. The Rams finally scored a touchdown, right, to make it 42 7. And they lit the Olympic torch. I'm sure they just light it late at night, but it seemed like that's when I first noticed that it was on. And then they also had a fumble recovery for a touchdown. The crowd's going nuts. So whenever that happens live, the first thing I do is try to pick up a referee to see if I see, you know, him going, no, no, no, no, no, it's a dead ball. Or if he's saying touchdown. And as the guy was crossing the goal line, you could see the ref was already going, no, no, no. Pointing at the ground, saying it was, you know, either the guy was down or whatever, right? And the fireworks guy, the fireworks guy shoots the fireworks off on a touchdown that got called back. It's hilarious because they're not selling out games, you know, they're probably. I bet that guy got chewed out. Owner probably came down in his camel haired coat. You know where the is a goddamn fireworks guy. I'm sorry, Mr. Mr. Owner, I. Shut the up, all right? It's coming out of your pay. He's down there fucking crying. But it was just such a great stadium. It holds 90,000 people. For the life of me, can somebody explain to me why the Los Angeles Rams need a new football stadium? There's a football stadium. There's two of them. There's the Rose bowl and there's the fucking LA Memorial Coliseum. Why do we have to take more fucking natural resources out of the fucking earth to build another one of these stupid ass fucking stadiums, huh? So they could have luxury boxes and put all the bells and whistles on it, you know, so they can attract people who aren't into sports to go to the event. I love that stadium. I had a great time. I love that it's a so called shithole. I think it's great. Do you know there was 62 steps to get from fucking where I was seating, sitting back up to the main concourse to fucking walk out of the stadium. It's fucking tremendous. 62 steps, you know, it makes you drink less, you're burning a bunch of calories, there's less fat fucks. But now what do they say? Oh, that's a fire hazard, the incline's too steep, we're fucking, we're so soft in this fucking country. That's why, like, everybody's trying to get me all freaked out about having a kid, about how difficult it's going to be. And I'm not saying it's not going to be difficult, but it's like people. Women used to have kids and then they'd die, and then the guy had to go out, bury his wife and get behind a team of oxen, plow some rocky goddamn field, and then, I don't know, feed the kid. I don't. Goat's milk at that point. I have no idea. And somehow he did it. You know, people have survived plagues. I can't fucking be in a house with central air conditioning and heat and all of this shit. I. You know, I mean, how much fucking harder is. Oh, God, I wish parents from fucking in the past could come and listen to the way people fucking whine and go on and on about themselves, you know, and the way they lecture people who don't have kids. Dude, you had. You have no idea. Oh, my God, it's so. Shut the fuck up. These fucking people coming over, you know, come paddling over from Cuba on a refrigerator door fighting off sharks, you know, and you can't. You can't change a couple of diapers. I'm telling you, people are fucking. They're pussies. They're fucking soft. People are fucking soft. They fucking bitch, moan and complain. Yes, yes. There's things in life, you know, I'd say at this point, with all the modern gadgets, all right, if you have a job, if you're not worried about money, as far as you have enough fucking money to make your rent and all that stuff. I mean, a kid shouldn't be any more difficult considering the love back that you're going to get, other than, you know, a major fucking adjustment and something that's inconvenient. But, I mean, come on, it's difficult. Yeah. Compared to the rest. Compared to what? Sitting down and playing PlayStation at fucking 38 years of age? I might eat these words. But, I mean, I'm just comparing it to the fact that, you know, these people used to live in the fucking middle of nowhere. They'd have, like 14 fucking kids. I can't handle one. I got all the sports packages, right? I mean, what. I mean, my fucking life's a joke, literally. Anyways, I don't know. Let's try to stay on top again. I have no fucking idea why they need a new stadium. You know, I can't talk and type in my password Come on, stick with it, Bill. Focus. Oh. And he does it. Anyway, so we went to the game, and I had a great time. And the fucking Atlanta fans were like, just the amount of shit talking. Dude. There was this one guy, this one fucking guy, he bought those fucking wide receiver gloves, you know, where they have the logo of the team, and then they cross their hands and they put their hands up over the heads. You know, like when, like, the fucking franchise player scores a touchdown, he does that, and it looks cool. He was doing that at the end of the game, just holding his hands up facing. Facing the fucking Rams fans. I'm telling you, dude, this guy was like, 50, all right? You know, all wire thin, you know, street dude, right? 50 years old. And he walked out, and he was making. Doing a selfie video as he walked out, you know, talking all this. It's like, dude, you beat the Rams. I mean, let's relax. You're not beating the Giants. You're not beating Seattle. You're not beating the Cowboys. You're not doing this year. Guy running out like they just won a playoff game. I don't know what it is about me, but I hate when the fans from the visiting team take over a stadium. Even if I don't give a. About the team, I respect the Rams. So next thing you know, I'm talking all this to Rams fan. I mean, to Falcons fans. In the back of my head, I'm like, why are you doing this, Bill? You don't give a. It's just Rams fans. They didn't have any.

[Paul Versey]

They.

[Andrew]

They weren't coming with the shit talk back. They couldn't. They were down 42 7, right? 42 14, I think, was the final. So at one point, you know, when they went up 42 to nothing, all these Falcon fans, they start chanting, Atl. Atl. Atl. And I just started yelling, you're a hub city.

[Bill Burr]

No one goes to Atlanta.

[Paul Versey]

We pass through your city onto our final destination.

[Andrew]

Started yelling all this shit about Delta Airlines. I believe that that's the hub there. And afterwards, I just started thinking, why do I care? Oh, and then I also screamed at the fucking Atlanta's punter. He fucking punted the ball, and this guy had a nice run back, and he comes off the field. Now, granted, he could have been mad that he kicked it to the wrong guy or he's supposed to kick it away, but he came off the field and he did the double, pulling the chin straps off, and he was like. He's screaming all this. He was all upset. I Went off on him. I don't remember what the I said. I was just so beside myself that a punter would talk that level of say, dude, shut the down. Have they watched your uniform once this year? You fucking dope. You're closer to sitting in the stands than you are actually being on that fucking. Do you know what I mean? You know, it'd be like, it'd be like if this guy was in the armory and he's. He like peels potatoes and he's talking shit cuz he cut his finger or something like that and meanwhile he's sitting around a bunch of people that just came back from the front lines. That's how I look at it. I mean, I might be a cunt. I have no idea. So anyways, anyways, when I was sitting there watching the Rams game, I mentioned to my buddy that how there used to be a football stadium. I couldn't remember the name of it first. I said the Baker bowl and I was like, I think that might be in Philly. But there was a stadium for anybody who lives out here in LA. A lot of people, LA's really bad about their history. And they had a stadium that was down where the Farmers Market is and on Fairfax and Beverly. It was actually a baseball stadium there too. I don't know anything about that. But they had a stadium called the Gilmore Stadium, called Gilmore Stadium. And they had a couple of NFL like All Star games there. And then they had like some defunct football league like the LA Bulldogs or some shit played there. I looked, looked it up on Wikipedia. Early this morning I couldn't, couldn't sleep that well. Little heartbroken Billy here couldn't sleep last night. And then the baseball field that was next to it. If you ever watch those classic home run derbies, will they have like Al Kaline versus like Mickey Mantle and shit? And you know they're in LA and you're like, where the is that stadium? They filmed a lot of it at the stadium right next to it. And right now there's like the CBS lot there where they film like the Price is Right. And. And as I was looking that up, I didn't know this. They actually had a Wrigley Field in LA that looks like from the map it was near or north of Watts, La, which is south of the 10 and east of the 110. And it was built by the same guy that made Wrigley Field in Chicago and Comiskey Field. I'm a fucking nerd. I like looking up that shit. I looked up shit about the Rams, They've won one Super Bowl. They won it in St. Louis, obviously, 1999, people wouldn't remember that. And they won an NFL title in 1945 when they were still in Cleveland, which is where they started. So they've never won an NFL title or a Super bowl here in la. And I gotta tell you, after watching them yesterday, they don't seem like they're that much closer. Jeff Fisher taking all kinds of. All kinds of. They need to fire him. They need to fire his ass. All right, well, who do you think. Who else is. Who are you going to replace him with? You got to have a replacement. I mean, this guy's been in the fucking league forever. Did take a team to the super bowl, however. It was fucking 17 years ago. He did well with Vince Young, you know, but in defense of him, you know, if you look at the last. Since the Patriots started going to the super bowl, okay, the Patriots have gone to six fucking Super Bowls, all right? And then as far as winning, Patriots have won four, Steelers won two, Giants won two, packers won one. I mean, it's like, literally, like every fucking decade, there's like two or three teams that just fucking run the table. In the fucking 90s, it was Cowboys won three, Broncos won two. There's half the Super Bowls are fucking gone right there. And you knew the 49ers were going to get one, and they won four the previous decade. There's just always that. Steelers won four in. Let's look at the 80s. The 80s, it was 49ers won four, the Raiders won two. That's six gone right there. Giants won one, Redskins won one, Redskins won two. All right, so that's four, two, and two. You got three teams that won eight of the 10, and then it was the Bears, and whoever the fuck else I just said, I can't remember, won the other one. Wait a minute. How does it go? It goes Raiders, 49ers, Redskins, Raiders, 49ers, Bears, Giants, Redskins, 49ers, 49ers. Oh, Giants are the other ones. Giants and Bears won one. All right, Sorry, I'm getting all fucking nerded out here with the. With the fucking sports talk here, which I'll probably do a little bit more of, but I probably should do some advertising here. But I want to talk to you guys about some shit where I told you I've been starting to get. I found someone. You know, I fucked up my back last or this year with the sciatic nerd thing. Sciatica, right? I went through all of that shit. Through that, I found a great chiropractor and then a great masseuse, which has led me to this other person that I just went to who's, you know, a former, like, Mr. Universe bodybuilder and all that. He's a fucking genius and everything. And I went to go see this guy because I fucked up my rotator cuff, like, years ago. I've been trying to just fight through it and all that type of shit. And I finally went to go see this guy, and, like, I came walking in, and you know those bodybuilders, they spend their lives just looking in the mirror, you know, with fucking clothes on. He just saw all of my shit. It was. It. He just went like, all right, your shoulders are rotated forward. Your left one is actually closer to your neck than your right one is. And then he go. And he goes, stand in the mirror. You see that, dude? I brush my teeth every fucking twice a day, right? Two, three times a fucking day. I've never noticed. Notice that. I'm like, holy shit, he's right. Because it's rotated in and turned ever so slightly. It's not like. It's like fucking three inches, but you really have to look at it. And then he goes, all right, do me a favor. Turn your head to the left and turn it to the right. And then he just started smiling because he knew what my fucking issue was. Whatever your. That neck muscle is my chest and my trap muscles are too fucking tight. And your trapezi muscle, whatever it is, it goes all the way down to the middle of your back. But mine is super tight up top, and my chest is tight, so it's pulling everything forward, and it's making my shoulders go up. Like, my shoulders always go up. Like. So he gave me this fucking stretch. Even if you don't have this fucking problem, I gotta tell. Hopefully I can describe it over the podcast here. It's just stand up straight, right? And then just lift your chest up. Put your shoulders back. Put your fucking shoulders back. Lift your chest up. Like, to, like, you feel like you're trying to make it go to the ceiling. And then have your hands, your arms, bring your arms back behind you, palms up, and stretch back as far as you can. All right? Like, you totally open up your chest as you bring your arms back and try to hold that for a minute. It's been a complete game changer now. So, like, my shoulders have come down because then I went to masseuse. She beat the out of my neck, and my shoulders are down. A little bit more. But, like, I swear to God, when I used to do, like, yoga stretches, like, on one side, I could totally, like, you know, they always, like, reach around and grab your arm or whatever. That yoga, I could totally do it on one side. Could not do it on the other side. And for my whole life, like, I've had this problem, like, one shoulder being higher than the other forever, you know, in some nurse when I was in high school goes, oh, you got a little bit of scoliosis. Yeah, your spine's a little curved. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like. And this fucking. Who's. I don't even know who the fuck she was. I was just like, yeah, that's the problem. And it wasn't. So I talked to this guy, he was just going, like, oh, yeah. He goes, I'll have you fucking straightened out in like a month or something. And so he gave me these exercises to strengthen up the lower part of the trapezi. Whatever. And for the first time in my life, I'm going to actually be able to sit up straight, just naturally. And the amount of shit that it has affected, it's given me back problems, like playing drums and stuff. Like, I forever having to, like, adjust shit and wondering why, when, like, I sit down, like, why I have to bring the snare higher than I should have to bring it, you know, and everybody else would just sit down and be. No, it seems pretty normal to me. I had no fucking idea what the deal was. And evidently I was all crooked up top. So I gotta tell you, that's something that I've learned this year. One of the biggest things I've learned this year is like, how medicine, if you go to a shoulder doctor, he's just gonna fucking look at your shoulder. You know what I mean? You go to your back doctor, he's just looking at your fucking back. But you go to these masseuses and people like that, they understand how the whole fucking body works. And they understand, like, oh, this is pulled out of alignment. It always comes down to balance where it's like these muscles are too tight and the muscles on the other side are too weak. So this is either pulling this forward or pulling this back, which is causing you to compensate when you walk. And that's like, you literally have a problem with your left foot because of your right shoulder. It's fucking amazing. If you get a good one, all right, you go to some rub and tug place, you're still going to have a crooked back, but, oh, you're going.

[Paul Versey]

To walk out with a smile on your face.

[Andrew]

Sorry. All right. I know I haven't been this too funny, all right? I'm going through a lot of shit here. All right, let me, let me read the. Let me read the advertising here for this week, okay? Oh, Jesus, here we go. Anyways, I've been hanging with my wife, you know, barely doing any stand up, just sitting here waiting for the kid to come. And poor thing, she's all really uncomfortable. She's at the point. She's been such a trooper. She's at the point now she's just like, let's get this kid out of me, right? And last night was the first time I saw it kick through this fucking kick. Like, I do these exercises, you know, I have to help Nia do these exercises so she can try to stay limber. And I just saw like, it was literally like. It was like a foot just fucking kicked aside. It was just like. It's insane. It's insane that there's a goddamn kid in there. It's the most amazing fucking thing. And also, like, I just say to your wife, like, there's no way for them to convey it to you. It's like, what is it like to have a person in you living inside of you? It's like, can you watch Alien now and just be like, I get it. I totally fucking get it. So anyways, I hung in with her one night, right? And we watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Then we watched Frosty the Snowman as much as I could watch. You know, I don't get into Frosty the Snowman. It's too fucking. That one just gives me anxiety. You watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and it's slightly about racism and acceptance, you know what I mean? His own dad is ashamed of him and then he tells him to fuck off. And then there's all the misfit toys. There's something going on there. There's like this theme about racism and special needs kids. I don't really. There's just so many other things going on that it's really sad. And you watch it and it's 50 years old and you realize so much hasn't changed. And then if you go right into Frosty the Snowman and then here's this adult that's gonna get on a choo choo train with some little girl, she doesn't tell her parents she's leave, leaving. And then there's the stress that it's gonna melt. I was just like, you know what you gotta shut. I can't Handle this, right? I can't handle this. It's giving me too much anxiety, right? And so then we switched over and we watched a little bit of Mary Poppins, which I haven't seen in a long time. But I get all of those movies confused. You know, the supercalifragilisticexpialidociat. That one, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It's always some fucking old guy, rich guy whose wife died and now the new hot piece of ass comes in and she shows him how to fucking loosen up, you know what I mean? That role has now been taken over by African Americans, right? They come in and they teach the uptight white dude how to, I don't know, do the electric slide. I never watch those movies, you know, but back in the day it was a. It was a new, like chick in the guy's life. But this one, he was like married, but it was Dick Van Dyke, you know, by singing Chim Chim chimney, Chim chim Churu the life of a fucking sweeper. That's what I want to do, right? They're all fucking happy as hell, you know, completely romancing blue collar work. Like rich people are all fucking miserable. And these people who are just going to die at 39, fucking miners lung are somehow dancing around up on the roofs, you know, covered in fucking soot. And I got through as much as that as I could get through. And, you know, I bought a Christmas tree and I did all the dishes, I watched all of that shit. And like, you know, the next morning I was going to the Rams game. So everything that I did in the last 24 hours, it's just completely wiped out. It's unbelievable. But that's how it works, man. That's how it works. So anyways, oh, here's something that I did not mention as this is something you have to do as a man, especially if you have a wife and a family, you got to get life insurance. And I'm doing it this fucking week. I just, you know, lost another friend who didn't fucking have it. And like, you just, you have to fucking do it. Guys, we don't like dealing with our fucking mortality. I know you've watched enough of the first 48 that you're literally giving your wife a motivation to fucking take you out. You know what I mean? But you gotta do it. You gotta fucking do it. So I'm doing that this week. Just been a brutal fucking week. This week I learned about loss, you know, like I didn't already have enough fucking examples. I Got the old fucking right there, Fred. This week. Anyways, plowing ahead. How about the fucking Giants? How fucking amazing are the New York Football Giants every fucking year. I've been saying it all year. Eli Manning is board in September and October and then, oh, we gotta win some games here. He just, the guy just comes to life. They beat the Cowboys again. They got this amazing defense. This is, this is what I'm so jealous of as a Patriots fan. I don't get how I was first for going like, why do we always have to get rid of our guys that are getting becoming stars this year? Chandler Jones we got rid of and what's his face we sent over to the fucking Browns, you know, always for the same. A second round draft pick. You know, we got rid of Chandler Jones and what's the other fucking guy's name from fucking Florida University. Whatever. I. I'm. Guys, I'm so fucking busy with my wife right now. I don't even know who the fuck's who right now. But it's just. What I hate about the fucking Patriots, speaking of balance, is we have all our money on the offensive side of the ball. All our stars are on the offensive side. And we're forever getting rid of these cornerbacks. Why won't we pay a cornerback all the way back to Tyler and Lawyer Malloy. We just constantly get rid of those guys, you know, you watch, we'll get rid of that kid who pick made that pick in the super bowl against Seattle. We'll fucking get rid of him when he wants a contract. I don't fucking get it. Gronk's paid, Brady's paid. I imagine Edelman's gonna get paid if he's not paid already and then nobody on the other side of the fucking ball. It seems like whenever, whenever they do, whenever they're. Fuck defense wins fucking championships. And we fucking are forever doing this. You watch tonight. How many points is Tom Brady gonna have to put up on the fucking scoreboard to beat the Ravens, who always have a good defense? I fucking love the Ravens. I love the Giants, I love the Steelers. I love those fucking teams that just. They always have a great fucking defense. What kills me about the Giants is they got this fucking killer defense and they still have Eli. They got fucking what's his face there. Who, you know, Jesus Christ, what a fucking diva he is. Even he's not on the field, he's got to be like, you know, trying to get the crowd going, like they're not into the game. I fucking hate that shit. You Know Adele Beckham, it's like, we get it, we get it. You're a superstar. It's not enough that you had a one handed 90 yard catch. Now you got to be sitting there up on the goddamn stands doing the YMCA dance with the crowd. Literally like the defense is out there shutting down the Dallas Cowboys and the cameras on you because you're doing Christmas carols with the front section. That drives me up to wall, right? They got him. They got. They still have enough money for that dude Cruz. It's, it's, it's amazing. But somehow Bill Belichick trades these guys and gets like three or four second round draft picks that eventually mature into these stars and then we win a title and then it's like, then they want their money and then we fucking get rid of them again. So believe it or not, as much as the Patriots are, you know, looked upon as a number one or number two seed, maybe behind the Raiders, I don't know, I haven't watched the last couple of weeks. I know the Broncos lost. I don't know how it fucking works, but you gotta think that we're one of the favorites, right, to go to yet another fucking Super Bowl. But this is actually a rebuilding year for us. That's how great Bill Belichick is. But I think the Patriots lose tonight unless we got to put up like, I would say like 38 points because Joe Flacco is no fucking slouch. I don't know, I just don't have any fucking faith in it. And I don't think that the Patriots defense stinks. I just think every fucking year they're good guys, you know, one or two guys, it seems gets the old fucking Evo. You know what the Patriots are really good at? We're really good at finding that fucking white dude who for no fucking reason is fucking really fast. The West Welkers, right? The Edelmans, the Amolas, we, that's what the, we are good at. And the Giants are great at finding those guys that are built like, are as fast as a linebacker, but for some, some somehow are the size of a defensive end. They get all of those guys, they spot them a mile away. Somehow we can't find them. You know, And I think the Ravens and the Steelers, they're really good at just getting those hall of Fame fucking defensive backs and linebackers. Ed Reeds, Ray Lewis, fucking Steelers. You can name like 50 goddamn fucking people right from the fucking Steel Curtain all the way up to Paula Mollo. They just, they, I don't know, they're just fucking good at it. So having said that, I've been also watching my Bruins. I'm still trying to see where we're working towards when we sent the entire Stanley cup winning team. Gave. You know, over the course of two and a half seasons, sent every significant player from those teams out the door except for Chara and Marshawn and Bergie. I don't know. I don't see. We're a year and a half into this shit. I don't. We're still a fucking eighth seed. This is right where we were last year. And I swear to God, if they make our coach take the fall for this, all right, we better keep him. And at the end, we. If we think that this doesn't work out, all right, you definitely keep clo. Julian, you definitely keep Cam Neely. But Mike O'Connell's got to fucking go because he's the guy who made. As far as I know, he's the guy that fucking did all this. I don't know. You know what? The fucking Bruins never want to pay anybody. Unfucking believable. Dude, Posternak has 18 fucking goals, right? I watched some of the Toronto game yesterday. I know. We lost three to one. I don't know who scored. I missed that part. And he's got 18 fucking goals. Can you imagine if Sagan was there? We would have. We'd have two fucking lines at least. We admit we fucked up when we got rid of Sagan, but whatever. But you know something? The Celtics are looking good. Al Horford is the fucking real deal. And I think he's a fucking leader. I think he's got. He's like a fucking superstar. And he's not a fucking head case. I'm loving that guy. You know, we got Isaiah Thomas, we got a point guard. We got a guy down low who actually can fucking pass the ball. He's brought the ball up to court. As much as everybody's freaking out about, what are the Greeks freak there? The Bucks. There's a bunch of guys, 6 foot 11 could do that. I'm a fucking LeBron James. He's been doing everything that that guy does just because he doesn't play the point guard position. Everybody's freaking out. But that guy is amazing. All right, But I don't know. I'm loving what Danny Ainges is doing. And I think we're one guy away. I don't know much about Hoop. Whoever that middle guy is between your number one and your number five, the power forward. I don't know what the fuck we need a two or three. I don't know what the fuck it, but we could just have another guy. Our benches, we play great defense. I don't know. Our bench is a little suspect though, right? Kelly Olenek comes in and that other guy who can't. I swear to God, I. I think I could literally beat this guy. Taking foul shots. He's one. He's one. Like, was it smart? The guy with the blonde hair? Anyways, let's. Let's get to some of the questions here for this week. Here. I gotta wrap this up too, because the people are putting the punch list. Guys are coming back to put the finishing touches on the kitchen. Oh, by the way, you know this is free advertising at a campfire cooktop top grill. You gotta get one, dude. I got one in my backyard. My wife was fighting me on that thing. I finally. I shut her the F up. I went out and I made. She Steak and cheese is one of her favorite sandwiches. I went out there, I went on the Internet. I looked for a simple fucking recipe. All I did to season the meat was a little Worcestershire sauce and some salt. That was it, right? I had white American cheese. My wife isn't into peppers and onions. I was like, fine. I sauteed a little bit of mushrooms. I had these fresh French rolls. Dude, fucking game over. Game over. She ate that thing. She didn't have time to say how great it was. She just wolfed that thing down. And I was really sitting there like, you know, I need the approval. I'm like, was it good? Did you enjoy it? She's like, how about the fact that I ate it in a minute and I couldn't even talk because my mouth was full. So full. That's how good it was. I was psyched. I haven't even done. I haven't even. You can do Reubens on that thing. You can make the whole grand slam breakfast. Hash browns, pancakes, bacon, the whole thing. Get the bacon going, Slide the bacon over. You put the hash browns in that fucking grease.

[Paul Versey]

Go fuck yourself.

[Andrew]

Jason Lawhead already gave it the nickname because I'm bringing it to the Rose Bowl. He calls it the game changer. And he's going to be making Reubens that day. Like, he's literally. Jay Lawhead is a fucking ridiculous cook. He's unbelievable, right? He's so excited about that thing. He, like, dropped his voice, like three octaves. I sent him a picture. He was saying, I go, dude, you gotta see what I got for the tailgate. Tailgate this year. He goes, I really do. What'd you get? What'd you get? And I showed it to him. He was just like, oh, dude, dude, you got a cooktop. Oh, dude.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, that's fucking limitless.

[Andrew]

You can do brats, you can do Rubens, you can do breakfast rattle and all. I just started laughing. He goes, that thing. That thing is a game changer. It's literally a fucking game changer. He was. I can't even tell you the ideas that he. Because he told me I should put out my own one. He had all these fucking great ideas, but I don't want anybody to steal it. I probably won't put it out anyways, but. So steak and cheese is. Oh, on the. Forget about on the diet, by the way. I've done cardio every day this month, all right? 11 days in, I got day 12 here. I'm telling you, go through the holidays, just do a half hour cardio every day, all right? And you pick your spots. We eat like a moron. Ate like a yesterday, and then today you get right back on it, you know? And that way you start the year, you know, you're not a fat. You don't got that extra 10 to 15. You don't want to deal with that or, you know, or whatever. Don't listen to me or listen to me. Okay, here we go. Let's get to the emails for this week. All right? Mom worried about me traveling. Dear Billy Scrotum Head. I don't know what. That's just fucking mean. For mean sake. My girlfriend and I have been dating for five years now and finally decided to travel abroad together. You taking your broad abroad? She is a seasoned traveler, but I have yet to have traveled internationally. Well, that's great. She knows what she's doing. Just follow her lead. We recently purchased tickets to Greece to pop my cherry, celebrate her birthday. Well, that's great. I just told my mom about the trip and a few days later received a text from her. Very worried about traveling to Greece. Out of the country. I'm 27 years old, mom, and scared of me getting. You left out some words here, buddy. My mom is scared of me getting killed due to the country's current state and terrorists. My mom took a few days to research all the negative things, unemployment, bankruptcy, et cetera. About Greece to try to dissuade me from going. Well, if she looked up the fucking. Is it Santorillo Santarelli? What the fuck? It's Frank Santarelli. It's the comedian. What's that fucking Beautiful place you stay. It's. All the buildings are white. It's right on the Mediterranean Sea. If she looked that up, she'd be fine. Listen, if you live in America and you just sit in your. If you're gonna listen to international news, they're not gonna talk to you about great shit. You gotta watch the Travel Channel. If they're gonna show the news, all you're gonna hear is bad shit. That's like, everybody in. Everybody in England thinks everybody, like, over here weighs 400 pounds and owns 15 guns. And you walk down the street with them on your hip. You know what I mean? I see just as many fat fucks in fucking Great Britain. Maybe not as much, but there's a lot of fish and chip eating, fucking rotted teeth, dirty, dirty white people out there. But that's all. That's all you're gonna know. Tell her to put on the Travel Channel. Send her a couple of fucking links. All right? Anyways, he goes, I understand that she's worried about her son, but I'm also aware that she lives in a shell and she's never traveled abroad. After hearing on the podcast that you have been to Greece recently. No, I haven't. I want to go there. I went to Italy recently. My question for you is, do you think an average Joe, first time parentheses, nervous traveler like myself will feel safe? Any words to put me at ease. I would love to hear what you have to say, good or bad, as this will help in my decision. Dude, the greatest fucking thing is you're going with your girlfriend and she's a seasoned traveler. She'll know what the fuck to do, so just follow her lead. But I would encourage you to step out of your shell. Learn a couple of phrases. The locals love when you make an attempt to speak their language, even in Paris, as much as they get. Shit, if you're really fucking trying and you're showing respect for their culture and you're on your best behavior, that's another thing, too. When you travel abroad, you're on your best behavior, unlike all these fucking Europeans. So many of them that come over here, they literally start trashing America to you in the United States of America, it's like, jesus Christ, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? You know what I mean? Like, as much as I was just teasing England, I go over there, I'm on my best fucking behavior.

[Paul Versey]

All right?

[Andrew]

I go on stage, I'll tease him a little bit, but in general, I talk about what a great fucking time I'm having it. You can Easily pick apart any fucking place that you go to. So anyways, I would learn a couple of phrases. Dude, you're going to eat. You're going to have food over there like you've never had here before. You're going to see things you've never had. You have to swim in the Mediterranean Sea. It is fucking life changing. And dude, I'm telling you right now, if you have any sort of stress in your life, if you stay along the Mediterranean from Spain all the way over to Greece, like, you can't fucking miss, you know, just. All I would say is just watch out for pickpockets, okay? Those gypsies are the fucking Bill Belichick and Tom Brady's of pickpocketing. I mean, it is a fucking art form. They're so good at it, you almost won't be mad. Like, how the fuck did they do that? All right? So that's the biggest thing that I would worry about. And especially watch your wife with their big stupid fucking purses. And they're all excited and they're fucking looking around. This is what you do, all right? You make a copy of your passport, okay? Copy your fucking passport and you fucking keep. You, you know, have it in the safe at the fucking hotel, all right? Keep it at the hotel. I take my chances with some cleaning lady taking your passport. She ain't gonna fucking do that, right? You have a copy of that? All right, I would definitely wear some sort of fucking, like pants that have zippers on them that you can zip that shit shut. And when a bunch of people start coming up to you, crowding you, be it on the subway or anything like that, you put your hand on your wallet, you have it right there. I wouldn't have. Don't have any thing of value whatsoever. And I'm telling you right now, this probably making you fucking nervous or whatever. This is just. This is just, you know, misdemeanor stealing, but will make your life miserable because you're gonna have your credit cards and all that type of. And your money and all of that. It's just, you know, pickpockets is the only fucking thing that I ran into when I was over there. That's the only thing you have to worry about. And just really, really be super fucking hyper fucking aware when you're walking up to whatever the fuck touristy thing. What do they got over there? They have the ruins, all of that shit. You know, you're gonna go any, any of that type of stuff. Like in Paris, if you go up to the Eiffel Tower. You have your hands on your shit. And when people come walking up to you speaking in English, just literally just fucking go, no hablo. No hablo. Just fucking. And if they keep coming at you, just say, get the fuck away from me. I'm telling you right now, if you just tell them to get the fuck away from you. Any of those fucking broads coming up to you, they want to, you know, you're at the Eiffel. Eiffel Tower. What are you gonna. You stand in line, you go in the Eiffel Tower, get the fuck away from me. They're coming up there to steal from you. Watch out for their kids. That's the only fucking thing. Because they are fucking tremendous at it. That's all. Anytime you walk out of there. And I would also, the next advice I'd give you is like, just bring. Carry on. I'd even say that to your wife, too. Just bring your girlfriend. Just bring Carry on. You're gonna wear the same fucking T shirt and shorts basically every goddamn day. No one's gonna give a fuck. You're on vacation, flip flops and all of that type of shit. Okay? All I can say is just like, you know, under pack and if you want to buy. If you want to buy, like, some touristy shit. You know what I love? I love magnets. I love those patches, those flags that you're going to sew onto a coat or some shit. You know, you have the memories, you have the pictures. What are you going to. You don't need to go out and buy some wooden shoes and a big beer stein. If you want to buy some shit like that, ship it back. Do that. Just go there, have a good time, watch your fucking valuables when you're around. Fucking if you're on the subway and if you're near anything touristy other. Other than that, have a great fucking time, Chill out, eat the best fucking food you're ever gonna fucking have, and swim in the Mediterranean Sea, and you'll have those memories for your whole fucking life. It's the greatest fucking thing. And I feel bad for your mom that she's never traveled outside of the country, because it's a great thing. All right? Clingy girlfriend. Clingy girlfriend. Bum bum, bum, bum, bum. Hey, Bill. As you may have read from the title of this email, I am dealing with a clingy girlfriend. We've been dating for three months now and pretty much have only known each other. What? We've been dating for three months now and pretty much have only known each other for three months now. So it's a pretty new relationship. Okay, so I get it. You didn't work with her, gradually work up the balls. You saw her and you said, bitch, you're coming with me. And she was like, oh, my God, you're so direct. Anyways, as I've gotten deeper in the relationship, I've started to notice more and more red flags. I'll tell you this right now. If you start noticing more and more red flags, three months in, I'm. I already have my finger on the fucking eject button personally. This far into your email. Okay, four. For example, she gets mad and starts crying if I want to go to the gym by myself and not bring her up. Fuck this. Over, over, over, over, over. Or if I don't reply to her text within five minutes, she calls me and asks me why I haven't answered. She's even already said I love you to me. And I actually said it back when we were having sex, accidentally said, I love you. Only a guy can say that. And now she says it back to me all the time and I haven't. And I have to say it back because I don't want to break her heart and tell her that I don't feel the same way. Well, you already have. You already have. All right, Just give her a three month broken heart. Get out, dude, get out. I've even tried to break up with her like a week ago. Get out. Get out. And she started to have a breakdown, saying how much she needed me and how she can't live with that.

[Bill Burr]

Get out.

[Andrew]

Get out. Get out of here. So I told her that we could just stay together because I felt bad. All right, dude, you've basically already broken up with her. She goes. She also just randomly flat out said that she can see us together forever. I don't know why I'm noticing all these things now, but I'm only 19 years of age. Well, there you go, dude. To be honest, I still. Sorry, what the fuck is going on with my throat here. I screamed too much yesterday. And to be honest, I still want to live the bachelor lifestyle and not be in a relationship. Dude, you know all the answers to your questions. Try all the different fish in the sea. Sorry if I sound douchey, but I just really need help here. But I don't know what to do. Thanks, Bill. And come back to. I'm not even gonna say the name of the state. This chick's such a psycho. Yeah, dude, this is what I would do. And I'M taking this from Al Madrigal, the great Al Madrigal, who no one knows how to end shit like him. If you listen to any of our live ATC podcasts, he worked in his family business and at your age, 19, he was already. He was the hatchet man. He fired adults. And he told me one time, the best way to get out of a relationship, okay, if. And this is for everybody, dude, if you have a woman in your life and you have to break up with her, they are going to drag you through the shit, okay? If you want to expedite the deplaning process, if she has anything over your apartment, get it all together, put it in a box, call her, say we need to talk. You show up with the box. You hand her the box, you tell her it's fucking over, right? You let her cry, you fucking leave now. If she has keys to your place, you don't even need to ask for them back. You already have changed the locks. If she offers to give you the keys back, you take them. But you never offer the information that you have changed the fucking locks. It's out, it's over, it's done. Dude, rip this band aid off. That's your fucking Christmas gift. And anybody out there right now, male or female, if you're in a relationship you don't want to be in, fucking do it. Do it fucking tonight. Get your box together, change your fucking locks. End the shit. Your Christmas gift. Don't go to another fucking family event, someone else's family that you don't want to fucking be with. You owe it to yourself. Get the fuck out of it. All right? Messy girlfriend. Hey Billy O. I lived with my girlfriend for the past few years and I tried and failed repeatedly, repeatedly to get her to tidy up after herself. She lives like a borderline slob with piles of her shit everywhere on most available surfaces. Instead of putting stuff away after herself, she'll just leave it out for days. Most days I'll come back from work and the bed will be piled high with clothes and the dump contents of handbags, etc. In the, in the evening. Very underrated Zeppelin song, by the way. This will be off. This will often just get moved to the sofa and then in the morning move back to the bed. Every cupboard and drawer is piled full of her shit. I have a couple of small spaces for my belongings. Everywhere else is full of clothes she hasn't worn for months, Parentheses, question mark years. Dozens of handbags purchased she doesn't purses she doesn't use Bits of paper, cards she keeps, she's keeping for who knows what. Dozens of beauty products. She get the picture. I do try to keep things tidy at best I can for my own sanity, but it would be nice to have. Not to have to nag her every so often to just tidy up after herself. If I kept pissing on the toilet seat and she kept telling me how annoying it was, I think she would be right in thinking, what the hell is wrong with this dude? Surely tidying up after yourself is about respect for the other person or people you live with. I know the whole accept me for who I am bullshit and all that, but come on, I was wondering what you were. The lovely nino's thoughts on this are. Well, I'll tell you this, dude, that's not going to get any better. She sound like you got a small time hoarder on your hands here. Forget about if you get married and have kids. So you got to ask yourself right now, are you going to marry this person? If you're not, pack up your own box and get the fuck out of there. And already have an apartment ready to go, by the way. You pack up your box, you bring this shit over to the fucking apartment while she's at work. Then you call her, you say, listen, we need to talk. And then you get the fuck out of there. You say, I'm going for a drive. You drive over to your new apartment and then you call her up from a payphone and you say, by the way, when I said I was going for a drive, what I really should have said was, I just moved out. Good luck to you and let's try and win in Chicago. And you hang up, you go, little Robert Kennedy there, right? It's fucking over. I can tell you right now, dude, I couldn't tolerate that. I couldn't tolerate living with a fucking slob. I fucking hated that when I lived when I had guy roommates. I never understood how guys thought it was funny to have pizza boxes and all this, like, living like a animal. It's like, guys, we live here. It's gross. So you have to decide if you love this person enough to accept this part of them, or you have to. Or maybe you throw down an ultimatum, like, if there's no way I'm living my life like this, this is completely unacceptable. You have way too much. You need to throw out at least 70% of your shit, okay? And if she gives you a rough time and just say, listen, you either that shit is going out the door or I am. Are you Saying that you're choosing that over me? Yes. Yes. Because I'm telling you right now, I am not going to be happy. Are you telling me that you love your fucking bags more than you love me? Just turn that stupid psych psychology right back on him. Get it the out of here. It gets the out or I get the out. And then you put on some Christmas music.

[Paul Versey]

Have a holly, jolly Christmas.

[Andrew]

Right? All right, here we go. Next one. Three Stooges. Hello, Mr. Burr. I was wondering who your favorite. Who's your favorite Stooge? I know most people are Curly fans, but I've always been a Shemp fan. Any who, have a good day. Shemp is unbelievably underrated. The fact that he had to follow Curly and Curly was in bad health, slash, I think might have died during his tenure. I loved Shemp, but Curly, yeah, Curly is the best. But Larry. Larry's under rated, too. Larry's hilarious. And Mo is the bully. I could never get into Mo because I had an older brother, and I was just like, yeah. So I used to love it every once in a while when Mo would lose one of those little slap battles, but I loved all of them. And people always say, you know, you're either a Stooges fan or you like the Marx Brothers. I fucking hated the Marx Brothers. I thought they were boring as shit. I bet if I got. If I'm. Now that I'm older, maybe I'd enjoy it more, but I don't know, I just thought it was clever shit where Three Stooges was just fucking. It was hilarious. They were just beating the out of each other. And. I don't know, as clever as a joke is, is there anything funnier than seeing somebody walking into a fucking window of falling down a flight of stairs? There's nothing funnier than watching somebody hurt themselves. I don't know, maybe I'm just. Maybe I'm just not smart enough. You know what? I should look at the Marx Brothers before I trash them. I will tell you, that one guy could fucking play the harp like nobody, huh? All right, all right. That is the podcast for this week. I hope you guys enjoyed it. It's been a brutal week for me, you know, I'm very happy that we were able to find a new home for my dog. They've already sent us texts and pictures, and she's totally fine. And, you know, I'm glad that we didn't have to. You know, I was. There was no fucking way that that dog was not going to continue on living she's had an amazing life. She's lived like three different books. And me and my wife were happy to be. What did we do? 7 and a half years with her. And I love her to death. I'm gonna miss her like hell. But I had to do it because, you know, the alternative was gonna be something horrible. And I did not want to have to fucking live through that. But I am devastated and I would appreciate it if you don't send me any fucking insensitive tweets tweets about it because I'm really on the ropes right here. All right, that's the podcast. Go yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on?

[Paul Versey]

It's Bill Burr for the Anything Better podcast. We got a read here for BetMGM. Oh, geez. Billy's reading here. Bet MGM. Bet MGM is offering 1500 bucks in free bets to get your season going in week 15. Where the hell are you, Ben? What, were you in a coma? Going through a breakup? How to get this offer in four easy steps. Number one, you download the BetMGM sports app on iOS or Android and use the code Burr B U R r or visit betmgm.com brrr. Number two, sign up and deposit at least 10 bucks into your BetMGM sportsbook accountant. Number three, place your wager and receive up to 1500 dollars back in bonus bets if the bet loses. Can I just do that and just take like the 1490 bucks and walk? You must put it back into the pot. Number four, if the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled. I love how they give you 1500 bucks. Like back in the day, the Coke dealer would give you a couple of free bumps. Then they got your first touchdown offer. Simply place a prop bet on the player to score the first touchdown in any NFL game. If your player doesn't score first but instead scores second, you'll get your stack back in cash. There you go, people. Bet responsibly. Don't be stupid. Make sure you get the broad, the dude, the they, whoever's in your life. You know, maybe you're asexual now. Who's going to tell you you're betting too much on the friggin Panthers? All right, that's it. Have a nice day. Andrew, where are you? There you are. I was getting scared. I was so scared.

[Jake]

Here we are.

[Paul Versey]

All right. Who did he take? He took the. The Bengals. I hate that bet.

[Jake]

So, yeah, I'm gonna drop the Bengals. He took The Bills with a video of his picks.

[Andrew]

I'm going to take the Cincinnati Bengals minus five.

[Paul Versey]

All right, I, I think they're gonna.

[Andrew]

Make, make a last minute run here.

[Paul Versey]

We'll see what happens.

[Andrew]

But I'm gonna take Cincinnati minus five. I'm going to take the New Orleans Saints plus seven and a half. I am also gonna take the Dolphins plus three. Oh, man. This week, this week is Paulie underdogs. Yeah. So the Dolphins I'm gonna take plus three.

[Paul Versey]

And then I am going to take the Buffalo Bills getting two and a.

[Andrew]

Half against the best team in the NFL, the Detroit Lions. I think Buffalo can make this a game or even win it. So I'm going to see what Josh Allen and them can do. So those are my picks.

[Paul Versey]

He took the Bengals, the Bills, the Dolphins, and who else?

[Unnamed Speaker]

The Saints.

[Paul Versey]

Oh, when those saints go marching in. 2, 3, 4, 5. Oh, when them saints go marching in. I want to be long in that number. All right, here we go. You ready? Oh, yeah.

[Jake]

Let's do the screen.

[Andrew]

Go for it.

[Paul Versey]

All right. How you doing? It's all Billy Red Face all by himself. Paul Versey is, I don't know what happened to him. He got arrested for being Italian in Dallas. He's on his way back from Dallas to get to the motherland, New York City. You know, it's funny, somebody said to me, I was having this argument with somebody and they were going like. Because I always make fun of New York just to get them going, you know. And he. And he was going, new York is the cultural epicenter of the world. And I just bursted out laughing. And then he pulled up like shit on the Internet that actually said that. And my favorite thing goes, there's over 800 different languages spoken here. English is spoken there. That's it. And then maybe you hear 800 accents. Stop acting like you get into a cab and the guy's like, guten tag.

[Andrew]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Versey]

And I also love most of the people I know in New York. It just like Boston. We're fucking meatheads. And I'm just picturing these meatheads in New York just going, new York is the fucking. It's the fucking Paris of Americas. Don't you wish you played for the Knicks? Just go get yourself a bacon, egg and cheese and try to do basic math in your head, you dumb fuck. All right? No, New York's a great city, but not because of New Yorkers. I'm talking about white New York. Most of the great white New Yorkers came from somewhere else. And Dominated your city because you were too busy buying a Yankee fitted in some Jordan ones. All right, there you go. Little roast. Little roast action. All right. But I do love New York, you know, I love New York just the way, you know, I love those glass towers that no one can afford. It's fantastic. What a cultural epicenter of the Illuminati. All right, so I'm doing this by myself. Last week, everybody, I got frustrated with trying to figure out what was going to happen, and I decided that I was going to bet the exact opposite of what I thought was going to happen. And guess what, Jake? Guess what, Andrew? I went 3 and 1. I was a half a point from going 4, 040. The Eagles are going to blow out the Panthers. I'll take the Panthers. The Bills are playing the Rams. Their coach is combing his hair forward. At this point, he's so stressed out trying to run that team, there's no way to beat the Bills. They take the Rams, I win that one. Then I took the Buccaneers because I love Baker Mayfield. You know, they win. And then I had the. The Cowboys were playing whoever Monday night. Was it the Bengals? Yeah, yeah. It was six and a half. They. They lost by seven. So now here's what you do as a gambler. You have one good week, and then what do you do? You're like, oh, dude, I cracked the fucking code. Here we go. I'm gonna bet a bunch of shit that doesn't make sense. I'm not falling for that trap. I'm gonna go back to my dumb picks of not watching the NFL on any level. All right, Jake the Snake, can you explain to me why a 12 and 1 team that has the referees in their back pocket, their front. Their front pocket and their lapel is playing a 3 and 10 team and they're only 4 point favorites?

[Unnamed Speaker]

You know, it has something to do with injuries. I think it just has to do. I think Vegas is just tired of them not covering. I don't. I think they haven't covered in like two months or something. So I think.

[Paul Versey]

Why would Vegas be tired of that? They would only be tired if they were losing money on him.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Well, actually, that's true. Good point. Yeah. But, yeah, the Chiefs haven't covered a number in a long time, so I. That could be the only.

[Paul Versey]

I thought you were gonna argue with me and you're like, oh, you know, it's a good point.

[Bill Burr]

Do you know how bad I wish.

[Paul Versey]

I could do that? I love you, Jake. All right, thanks. Minus four, the goddamn Browns. I You know what? That. I hate that game. That just seemed. I mean, that seems obvious. The Chiefs are gonna cover that all day long, right?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Does seem. Yeah. Seems very obvious.

[Paul Versey]

Well, guess what I'm gonna do, Jake, Because I'm a maverick. Because I'm a rebel. Fucking draw line around you. You watched me cross it. Whose act am I doing adjacent? I'm doing a Fred Staller's act. I'm gonna take the Browns getting four points. Because. Why not, Jake?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Why not?

[Andrew]

Why not?

[Paul Versey]

Because. Because. Does. Does it make sense? Does any of this make sense? Versi took this.

[Jake]

What's the funniest way that game opens? Like, just like a fumble, touchdown recovery. Fumble. Like.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, none of it makes sense, probably.

[Unnamed Speaker]

James.

[Paul Versey]

I feel like the Chiefs will be covering into the fourth quarter. And then Mahomes. Oh, they tipped the ball. Whatever the. Dude. What about last week? I mean, Jesus Christ. The guy took his helmet off in the end zone. Unsportsmanlike conduct. They come and put his helmet back on. What is going on? Do the refs know the games on tv? That. That's my question. It's getting to be like wrestling. Patrick Mahomes must make it at least to the AFC Championship game. You know what it is? You know what it is? They don't have. They don't have. There's nobody else playing at his level. There just isn't. He doesn't have the Montana Elway, I'm telling you. And until they do. Until they do, they're just going to be getting all the calls.

[Jake]

Josh Allen, sorta.

[Paul Versey]

God bless him. Have you ever been to Kansas City? Looks very cold. All right. The Ravens are favored by 16 against the Giants. The Giants going for a number one draft pick. They should just roll over and show them their belly, right? They got Eddie Linguini playing under the center. Whatever they're doing. Right? That doesn't make any sense to take the 2 and 11 team versus a team that's fighting for their playoff lives. Should I do it, Jake? Should I do it?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Nepal would be very proud.

[Paul Versey]

I take the Giants out 11. I'm not going to get crazy here. I like the Panthers. No, I don't. I don't like any of this.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Panthers are favorite in that game.

[Paul Versey]

I know that's kind of a weird thing. God damn it. All right, I gotta go. Baker Mayfield. I gotta go with my guy here. Go in there? Yeah. He's gonna age. Captain Comeback a couple of years with all of his shenanigans. I think this is the time of year the Raiders fall apart. They're my. They're pluff four at home. I'm gonna take the Falcons. I just feel like the Raiders fall apart this is the time. Their Christmas gift every year to the ridiculous loyalty of that Raider fan base is to just shit. The bed. The bed. I'll take the Bears getting seven. I'll take any game. And you pick a game, I'll. I'll give you a pick. How many more do I have?

[Jake]

One.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Well, if you take the Bears, that's your fourth.

[Bill Burr]

Dude.

[Paul Versey]

How good is that building? Oh, Bears fourth.

[Jake]

Yeah, sorry.

[Paul Versey]

That was my fourth.

[Andrew]

Those lines.

[Paul Versey]

And what. What have I picked? Three or four? I'm in a spin here, people.

[Alana Glazer]

How many?

[Paul Versey]

Four. I picked four. All right, well, there you go. Four isn't that easy.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Bill's lines is a great game, though. That's definitely the game of the week. That's gonna be awesome.

[Paul Versey]

All right, now, what do you think, Jake? Okay, as far this game, okay? This game is just like all possessions. If this game is just like all the possessions in your apartment, it's meaningless, Jake. Okay? We don't care about that, Jake. We care about you and what's going on behind those glasses come playoff time, okay? With the refs just back massaging the Chiefs every week now, I don't think that they're going to take them to the promised land. Although what does. What. What. What does the NFL have for a storyline? Let's look at the storyline, okay? On. On the way back, okay? On the front burner, the main dish, you got the Chiefs. Can they. Three Pete. And you know what's. Her face is going to be up there. And Travis, Kelsey, and. And take your helmet off in the end zone. It's okay, right? They're the hot chick in the NFL. You got the Lions. They haven't won since 55. Not a sexy city. Not making America a lot of money. Not moving the needle in music. They haven't since Eminem was there, right? Before that, it was Motown. I don't need to tell you this, Jake, okay? You have a wall of fucking wax that would scare Questlove, Ted Nugent.

[Jake]

Nugent, right between Motown.

[Paul Versey]

Ted Nugent. There you go. Ted Nugent before he got all political. What happens to every old person? They just start talking politics and you have to get out of the room. All right? Then I would say, then you got the Bills with their lake effect snow. I'll be honest with you. My generation, you know, we just can't care about them anymore, okay? We watched them go to the Super Bowl. Four years in a row. We listened to their sad stories. We listened to them building them up that they were somehow heroes because they didn't study in high school and then got blue collar jobs. All right? And then they come back years later with ravishing Rick Rude fucking pants and jump on tables. All right? It's a fucking clown show up there.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

And I feel bad for Josh Allen that he has to try to drive that clown car out of the fucking lake. So those are the three stories I feel. And then for whatever reason, the Ravens, even though their record isn't that good, I think that they could, they could upset somebody. Gun to your head, Jake. Okay, before you say who you think is going to win the super bowl, just so you add credibility, can you please take your glasses off and do one of these and then tell me that's the Walter Cronkite. I don't think this war is winnable. Who do you, who do you think is going to win the Super Bowl?

[Unnamed Speaker]

I think it's going to come down to the Chiefs and the Bills. Whoever wins that game, I think they're on a collision course. And I think those. One of those. One of those two. Whoever makes the Super Bowls is going to win. I don't believe in Detroit just because they have Jared Goff. I just don't think he's like a Super bowl winning quarterback.

[Paul Versey]

Even though he's made really. I believe in Jared Goff. I just get nervous on their fourth down calls. Yeah, they were doing that.

[Unnamed Speaker]

They went for it five times last week against Green Bay. I think it was. So that's. It's great when it works, but, you know, it's really risky. He went for it on his own 30 on one of them, so.

[Paul Versey]

I know. And was there ever a bigger statement that the prevent defense doesn't work? He was so terrified of giving them the ball back with 41 seconds left that they were going to get the ball in the 20 or wherever they start now. And we're somehow, I mean, realistically, you got to get to the other teams at least 35. That's like a 53. Anything beyond that, that's like, you know, it's hitting a moonshot and he. In 43 seconds they're going to do that because they're going to give him 20 yards and that bullshit that they cover the sidelines, it just doesn't work so well. So you're saying no surprises in the afc, the AFC playoffs, you're saying it's. Everybody thinks it's going to be Bills Chiefs. You don't think. You don't think nothing in there.

[Andrew]

Not nobody.

[Paul Versey]

No surprise.

[Jake]

You don't think the Ravens.

[Paul Versey]

See, I think the Ravens, they have.

[Jake]

The tools to win that. They have the tools to, like, win that one game. Like, they, they have, like, they've got everybody. They've got Derrick Henry, they got Zay Flowers, they got Lamar Jackson.

[Paul Versey]

It's a physical team.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Team.

[Andrew]

It's a physical team.

[Jake]

They could do it.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I think they could, but that'd be the team.

[Paul Versey]

You know what you could do? You could put a suit on with what you just said and say that on any one of those sports channels and no one would know that you. That you weren't supposed to be there.

[Jake]

Get a contract. Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

One game that was amazing. The only thing that was missing was scores on a ticker tape. Underneath you.

[Unnamed Speaker]

The only other story there could be is the Eagles.

[Jake]

What a bunch of garbage.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Okay.

[Andrew]

It wasn't.

[Paul Versey]

It was good. It was. It was good.

[Unnamed Speaker]

It was very good.

[Paul Versey]

Look at. They froze him in the, in the thing. They're so nervous about what he was saying. I actually, I'll tell you, I believe in Jared Goff. I think, I think, like, what people are forgetting is last year, last year, Jared Goff was a victim of a call like that going forward on that fourth down and not getting it changed, the momentum of that game and all of that stuff. And then they all got happy feet. I think Jared go with the tools he has and all of that type of stuff. My only thing is that this going forward on fourth down shit, you know, like every drive you're acting like there's two minutes left in the game and you're down by four points. That's. That to me, is their Achilles heel. But I 100% believe in Jared Goff and I think he's. He could be a Super bowl winning quarterback. I don't believe in the Bills. I just, I feel like they, they had their team a few years ago and I, I don't know.

[Andrew]

They.

[Paul Versey]

They just been really erratic this year. So. Yeah, who knows the players.

[Jake]

What do you think on the nfc said, Jake, that's tough.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I mean, Detroit should make it, but Philadelphia looks really good. It all just depends on, like, how the bracket shapes up, because I think there are certain teams that match up better with Detroit. And I think.

[Paul Versey]

How can you say Philadelphia looks really good? They. They haven't had a good season. They almost lost to the Panthers this past week. Jake, where's your head? Right?

[Unnamed Speaker]

In a row, you know, they've won nine in a row and say 11 and 2, 2,000 yards. They're gonna be a tough out in the playoffs. And I think Green Bay is a sneaky team as well.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, Green Bay could upset somebody. I, I, you know, I, I go back and forth with that Nick Siriano guy sometimes. I'm rooting for him because I see the mental mess he is and I relate to it. But what I don't like is when he wins, I don't like all that talking he does. Like, yeah, like I, I just, that's why I almost don't want him to win, because if he does that, like, I was so nervous when he, whatever play he called and then he went to the camera, went and nodded like that. I'm like, oh, my God, are all coaches, all the Bill Belichicks of tomorrow, all the next Nick Serianos and all that, did they see that? And they're going to be like, that's what I'm going to do. And the funny thing is, is he's nodding like that. And so much of their is just analytics. It's some nerd with a computer told him what to do in that point of the game. And then you're gonna knob. So it's our. We got to the point. When I was growing up, there was a half dozen guys that, that were like, sort of flashy guys. Billy White Shoes Johnson, Hollywood Henderson, Butch Johnson. There was a handful of guys that had end zone celebrations and fucking whatever. And then it became everybody. When you went to the end zone, you know, within 10 years of that, you had the icky shuffle. Everybody had like the Dion doing his, his little fucking thing. And everybody had their thing. And then the Jerome Bettis generation, you celebrated a first down, right? And then somewhere in there, a field goal kicker celebrated something, jumped up the air and blew out his acl. But there was always been a hard line between the players and the coaches, and the coaches never did it. Although Rex Ryan came close till he threw his head, set down on the ground and got a desk job.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Right? Dan Campbell's doing it now.

[Paul Versey]

Well, dude, by the way, did he have a cold last week? He looked like Rudolph with that red nose. You drink a whole bottle of bourbon? No, no, I don't think, I don't think, I don't think the Lions coach is going to do. My prediction is, if the Eagles ever win it, the amount of sideline nodding and celebrating that Nick Soriano, Siriano, however you say his name is going to do within two generations of coaches, they're all going to be doing it and then your generations are going to be like, I miss the old NFL where you just quietly called plays and people only did, did the moon walk when they, when they got a three yard rush.

[Unnamed Speaker]

He's gonna dance in the end zone with the team. That's the new coach.

[Paul Versey]

Oh yeah, he'll get, he'll get a, instead of a sneaker deal, you get like a headset deal.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Anyway, yeah, that's where I, I, that's kind of where I am. I'm not a lot of you guys. Like I, I, I, I missed the NFL last week. I didn't watch any of it. I just, just, I'm slipping away the same way I stopped watching the news. I feel like I'm just sort of falling away. I don't relate to it anymore. The NBA, an NBA game to me looks like a fucking shoot around where people are guarding you. It's like they're just running from the three point arc. And listen, I'm not being a dick here. It's the greatest error of shooting I've ever seen. Some eight foot goof can hit like a three pointer, like ten feet behind the line. It's incredible. But it's just like they go down the court, three pointer down the court, three pointer down the court. It's same shot, same shot, same shot, same shot, Euro step, drop step.

[Jake]

I, I still can't watch the, the amount of traveling in the NBA and I remember and I've said that to people and actually Bartnick had a funny line. He was just like, he goes, yeah, he goes. But that's like my dad's complaint. I'm like, I don't know man. Like that's that if you grew up in the 80s 90s, like that's a travel, like that's a travel.

[Paul Versey]

Like I, it just, it is good. You know what I miss hearing his, his creativity around the basket. And that's when you go in there, there was another set, there was a seven footer from the other team, maybe a power forward and your seven footer and you had to go in. I met, you know, when's the last time you saw a double pump this side of the rim underneath, reverse layup in traffic, somebody trying to take your head off. I missed the physicality of the game.

[Jake]

Yeah, it's because they all take charges now. So they'll take a charge, hoping to get an offensive foul. And then the guy going in is on his like third step so he doesn't have, I don't know, maybe he's got more inertia, but like. Yeah, it's the whole. The paint's a whole different game. They used to work it in and out of the paint like semi pro there when he like keeps passing back forth.

[Andrew]

I don't have it.

[Jake]

I don't have it. I don't have it. But they used to do that.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Pick and roll or something. Well, I think what really changed the game though was the fact that the defensive player can get called for three seconds in his own end. Yeah, that's like telling the goalie he can only be between the pipes for the post. It's insane. I can't guard my own goal.

[Jake]

All five guys should be able to stand in there with their hands up.

[Paul Versey]

No, no, no, no, no. Because there was a point in the 80s where that's why they, that's why they initially came up with the three second rule for the offensive player because the guys got so big. They. I remember the Sports Illustrated did an article saying, are they outgrowing the game? And it showed the Celtics front three where it was bird, it was 6 9, McHale was 6 11, and Parrish was 7 foot tall, which was like a big deal back then. And so I, it was getting rid of some of that. So like, I'm not saying there weren't problems in the game when I was growing up, but, you know, I think they'll fix it if. I hope they do because it's, it's. I love basketball. It's an incredible. I love all the sports. They're incredible games. But I feel like the owners are, you know, they've reached maximum density of. With their fan bases and offense sells the game. So they're just, I don't, I don't know what they're doing with it or you know what? I'm probably just old is what it is anyway.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah, talent's there, though.

[Paul Versey]

Talent is 100% there. Steph Curry is. I think Steph Curry is the Jordan of this era because he changed the game.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Do you think he's past magic?

[Paul Versey]

You got to change the game. Like whenever they say Kobe rest his soul or LeBron is better than Jordan, it's like what I always is. He didn't change the game. The game is still the same. But then also when people from my generation say LeBron couldn't play back and he fucking guy looks like a defensive lineman, he'd be playing the game physically and he would be of the mindset of the era, right? And he would basically be like Anthony Mason scoring, you know, 40 points. Like LeBron would have been great on those early Knicks team, those early 90s Knicks teams. And he's just playing the game the way it's played today. He definitely would have adjusted because he would have had to. What's he going to be, some seven foot goof working at the gap? He would be like, all right, this is how the game's playing. I'm going to play it.

[Jake]

It's also the era where players take a little more liberty over like the coaches orders, which I feel like probably maybe happened like in the 90s. But like LeBron literally plays every position. Like you can watch a different possession and he's playing a different position with. You're not always under center. But I'm just saying like he, he's taken the ball in every way. Do you guys want to do a quick Monday night special? It's Raiders, Falcons.

[Paul Versey]

All right, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna hedge my bet. Go against me. What is the spread? Is it four? Is it three?

[Andrew]

Four?

[Jake]

Four. Falcons are giving four to the Raiders. We got Kirk Cousins and. Is it car?

[Unnamed Speaker]

No, no, car is junior. It's gotta be.

[Paul Versey]

I'm not cars with the Saints, man.

[Andrew]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake]

Sorry.

[Paul Versey]

I. Mitch Trubisky.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I think they have Aiden O'Connell or some. Somebody bad.

[Jake]

That's right, that's right, that's right.

[Paul Versey]

All right. Kirk Cousins scores points. Okay. He did it. Minnesota, right? Is that what this guy's career has been? I'll take Kirk Cousins to throw one.

[Andrew]

What.

[Unnamed Speaker]

What if we took one to throw an interception? Because it does turn it over quite a lot.

[Jake]

It's. It's Desmond Ritter for the, for the Raiders.

[Paul Versey]

I like the first name. I don't like the second name. The first name sounds like a touchdown. The second name sounds like a sitcom star. Desmond Ritter. No relation to John, rest his soul. Do you ever watch the pilot of Three's Company? Like, Chrissy totally wanted to bang him and they got rid of that storyline because she was so coming on to him. He would have her by the third episode and then where.

[Jake]

Do you know where to go?

[Paul Versey]

Nowhere to go. Yeah. He should have gone after Janet. That's my opinion. All right, all right. Kirk custom to throw one. I want. I can't. I can't go wild like with an interception because that's not fair to Versy. Versi wants to win here, but he's not here to tell me the names of the players.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Right.

[Paul Versey]

Who's there? William Andrews, right now, running back.

[Unnamed Speaker]

The Falcons have Bijan Robinson.

[Paul Versey]

Do they ever run it in anymore? What's the over?

[Andrew]

Under?

[Paul Versey]

The housewife bet 44.

[Bill Burr]

Under.

[Jake]

Most of the money's on the over.

[Andrew]

I like the under.

[Paul Versey]

Then this has boring game. This has boring game written all over it.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I think under is great.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Okay, so Cousins, the under.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Oh, we need a third.

[Paul Versey]

What's the odds of streaker makes it out to the 15 yard line?

[Unnamed Speaker]

If it's in Vegas, we can get probably a good money on that.

[Paul Versey]

Dude, that's a prop bet. We could fix that, man. Jake, if you're willing to do it, wear one of those. One of those Mexican wrestling masks and have a cape on and just run out there and we'll just bury the streak a bit.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Just a little insider trading.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

That's all.

[Unnamed Speaker]

We're politics.

[Paul Versey]

It's an entertainment league. Vegas. It's an entertainment league. Was that not. Are you not entertained?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah, that would be entertaining.

[Paul Versey]

Dude, if you put your glasses on, on the outside of the mask. Immediate legend. All right, what else? Give me something to bet.

[Jake]

So we got on. You want to do under Kirk Cousins.

[Paul Versey]

Under Kirk Cousins. And then.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Well, they have. We could do receivers, maybe their yards or running backs. Raiders have a good tight end.

[Jake]

Drake London.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah.

[Paul Versey]

Falcons.

[Unnamed Speaker]

On the Falcons.

[Paul Versey]

I'll let you guys pick one. Pick one. Pick something because I got. I have no ideas on this. What do you guys think?

[Unnamed Speaker]

I do something with Bijan Robinson. He's a really good player, but I don't know what the yards are.

[Jake]

It's a 80 and a half. So you can go over 80 and a half rushing yards.

[Unnamed Speaker]

What's anytime touch no under. 80's a big number.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, 80's a big number. So that'll be the three. Hey, by the way, I was hanging with this old school guy, used to work in Vegas when the mob was there. And he told me, you know what they called the half a point?

[Unnamed Speaker]

The Hook.

[Paul Versey]

Yes. I never heard that. The Hook. And I can't say what he said, but he said, the hook. You can fill in the blanks. The Hook has killed more so and so's than so and so. You just go into history and just fill in those blanks. That would be the end of my career. It's not my saying, but I don't even want to repeat it. But that was the saying out there.

[Jake]

Cns, how the show made CNN last week. We can.

[Andrew]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Versey]

How gross was that? That those on CNN sat around acting like they actually were confused or surprised by the reaction that people don't like CEOs, and then them sitting there like they were going to get down to the bottom of it. It's like these CEOs are behaving the way they are because guys like you are not doing your job because you're not journalists on CNN or Fox. You're not. You guys are treasonous people who are sucking the corporate cock and you're fucking looking the other way. And then when, like, you know, an athlete says something, or a fucking soap opera star tweets something, or some regular guy hoards hand sanitizer in their fucking garage, you act like. You act like that's the reason the country's going to shit. But meanwhile, you can still charge 600 bucks for a pill when you're going, when you got leukemia, go fuck yourselves. CNN and Fox News. Fuck all of those pieces of shit.

[Jake]

It did say promo code Burr, which is hilarious because it was the. It was right on cnn. It's like, promo code and just like, bounce pass.

[Paul Versey]

I gotta say, one of the funniest things ever to me is that Anderson Cooper has a podcast. It's like, you don't have enough money. You're a Vanderbilt. You get hammered in Times Square every year with what's his face.

[Bill Burr]

You got.

[Paul Versey]

You gotta go money out of some feature Axe Pocket. Jesus, Anderson. And I love those. I love the headphones, too. So, you know, it's his podcast.

[Bill Burr]

The.

[Andrew]

The.

[Jake]

The average, like, CNN show gets, like.

[Alana Glazer]

And.

[Jake]

And that just the numbers that they report is like, I'll say less than most of the shows, less than the average Monday morning podcast.

[Andrew]

It's insane.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Shots fired.

[Jake]

Anyways, all right, so it was.

[Paul Versey]

I'm just saying, you know what I mean? Like, what are you gonna do next? You're gonna put together 20 minutes and start going on the road. This week we got Anderson Cooper. Next week we got Bill Burke coming here. And then I show up, too. Anderson had to add shows. I'm like, what the fuck? Hey, Bill, can you do some morning radio? We had Anderson Cooper here last week. He's doing stand up. No, he did a live podcast. He sold out this arena twice.

[Jake]

He's selling it. He's selling out so hard. He's just doing like. Like bits about, like, his wife, even.

[Paul Versey]

Though he's not married and he's gay podcast. They would have that little oriental rug with the chair, and he would have, oh, yeah, drink and no tie. So you know that he's loosening up, right? This is CNN's Anderson Cooper. This is. This is hanging out. Anderson Cooper. Who's still not gonna call out these fucking pieces. Pieces of shit. I, I just, it's, it's, it is depressing and it was fucking great. You watched though. You watch. They're already starting to say this Luigi kid was an anti capitalist. Because what they want to do is they don't want us to identify with him. They don't want. Red and Blue came together working class. Red and blue came together fuck CEOs, okay? And now what they're going to do is try to divide us again. And this box, probably already doing it on Instagram. I'm telling you, these people should be in jail for treason.

[Jake]

Somebody said they're already said it's the first. It's. Somebody said it's the first radical centrist shooting. That was kind of funny because. Because both people, they were trying to pin him. They were like, look at all these right wing people he follows. Then people like, well, look at all left wing. Like the guy, the guy was quoting Ted Bundy. Like they're not Ted Bundy Kaczynski. But whatever, it doesn't matter.

[Paul Versey]

Like, you know.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah, they're trying to make him seem like he's mentally insane to make it look like, oh, this is some crazy murderer.

[Bill Burr]

But I don't know, he might have.

[Andrew]

Been a little off. He might have been.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Well, I mean, I guess, I guess you have to.

[Paul Versey]

Hey, dude, you got to be a little off to do it where you know, to succeed in life, you got to be a little crazy. Yeah, I have a little delusionment.

[Unnamed Speaker]

You want to leave a legacy?

[Paul Versey]

I mean, he had a whole hit list. Like he was going to get to those other guys. Well, scratch that guy off the list. Doopy doopy doo. Like he was gonna, like he was going to shop.

[Jake]

You know what I love? You know what I love about people is people are complicated just and. And you can't put them down. Somebody like, they posted like, wow, like he was really like well spoken and well thought. And then they posted a picture of him with a beer can hitting it against his head, cracking it and pounding it. Not even around friends. Just like in the corner of like a party. I was just like, yeah, everybody's everybody.

[Paul Versey]

Yeah, yeah, it's called layers.

[Jake]

Yeah, he's an intellect.

[Paul Versey]

No, people who watch my act, they think I just walk around the whole day. It's like, no, I don't. Sometimes I'm just sitting in the corner quietly wondering what the happened in the last 40 years. All right, I have to go. I got bullshit I gotta do. All right, that's the podcast. God bless all you on both sides. Don't let them divide you. Don't trust those news channels. All right? Think for yourselves, you dumb cunts. All right, all right. I include myself in that. All right, I'll see you guys later.