Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-24

Summary

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-24 - Detailed Summary

Podcast Information:

• Title: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-24
• Host/Author: All Things Comedy
• Description: Bill Burr rants about relationship advice, sports, and the Illuminati.
• Release Date: December 27, 2024

---

1. Introduction and Promotions

The episode kicks off with Bill Burr promoting Dennis Leary's new Fox comedy, "Going Dutch." Burr highlights the show's premise and its upcoming premiere.

• Notable Quote:
  "Dennis Leary is going from warmonger to cheesemonger in the new Fox comedy Going Dutch."
  [00:01]

2. Holiday Story: The Pajama Dilemma

Bill Burr shares a nostalgic and humorous story from his childhood about choosing between Bugs Bunny and Hulk pajamas. This anecdote serves as a way to connect with his daughter, who was facing a similar decision.

• Key Points:

  • Burr's mother limited his choices, reflecting parenting styles of the 70s.
  • The emotional impact of not getting the Hulk pajamas remained with him for decades.
  • The gesture of his daughter gifting him Hulk pajamas at 56 years old culminates the story, showcasing generational connections and understanding.

• Notable Quotes:
  "I was faced with a Sophie's Choice when I was a kid."
  [01:51]

  "Guess what she got me for Christmas at 56 years of age? I got Hulk pajamas."
  [06:31]

3. Parenting Philosophy

Bill and Dennis delve into their approaches to parenting, emphasizing the importance of storytelling over direct advice. They believe sharing personal experiences helps their children navigate their own challenges.

• Key Points:

  • Instead of direct conversations, they share relatable stories.
  • This method fosters emotional openness and resilience in their children.
  • Examples include dealing with nervousness before performances and handling sadness.

• Notable Quotes:
  "Rather than talk to them about them, I talk. I tell them a story of when I was going through the same thing."
  [05:26]

4. Cultural Observations and Banter

The hosts engage in light-hearted and edgy discussions about cultural stereotypes, particularly focusing on the Irish and English. They use humor to critique and highlight perceived national characteristics.

• Key Points:

  • Discussion on the Irish being both beloved and portrayed negatively.
  • Critique of the English as being arrogant and insular.
  • Comparisons between English stereotypes and American New Yorkers.

• Notable Quotes:
  "The Irish people are simultaneously my favorite and the most miserable cunts I've ever met in my life."
  [41:01]

  "The English are like the European versions of American New Yorkers."
  [08:35]

5. Labor Issues: Amazon Drivers Strike

Bill Burr and Dennis Leary address the ongoing strike by Amazon drivers, expressing support and critiquing the broader implications of corporate negligence.

• Key Points:

  • Appreciation for drivers standing up against unfair labor practices.
  • Criticism of companies not compensating workers adequately.
  • Emphasis on the importance of supporting frontline workers.

• Notable Quotes:
  "Shout out to those Amazon drivers. We should not be under the thumb."
  [32:13]

  "Does that make you sleep warm at night knowing that your workers go home crying?"
  [32:33]

6. Sports Commentary: NFL, UFC, Boxing

A substantial portion of the podcast is dedicated to discussing various sports, primarily focusing on the NFL, UFC, and Boxing. The hosts share their opinions, humorous takes, and critiques on recent games, player performances, and sports culture.

• Key Points:

  • Analysis of the New England Patriots and their coaching hires.
  • Critique of the English enthusiasm for racing and high-performance vehicles.
  • Comparisons between different sports, like the effectiveness of boxing versus NBA fights.
  • Discussion on the nature of sports media and reporting biases.
  • Insights into the structure of sports leagues and player dynamics.

• Notable Quotes:
  "Why do you use your hands in football? Because soccer is boring."
  [09:53]

  "If you don't understand America, that's because you live in a fucking country where it's all you and then there's a little bit not you."
  [41:43]

7. Diet and Health Discussions

The hosts touch upon topics related to diet and health trends, including their personal preferences and societal perceptions of certain foods.

• Key Points:

  • Bill Burr discusses his changing palate, especially regarding avocados and sugar consumption.
  • Dennis Leary shares his newfound appreciation for previously bland foods after reducing sugar intake.
  • They humorously critique modern food trends and misconceptions about healthy eating.

• Notable Quotes:
  "I remember the first time I had a raw avocado. I was like, am I eating wallpaper?"
  [28:13]

  "It's a lot of fat."
  [29:19]

8. Conspiracy Theories and Skepticism

Dennis Leary expresses his skepticism towards various conspiracy theories, ranging from 9/11 to alien invasions. They discuss the prevalence of such theories in American society and its impact on public perception.

• Key Points:

  • Dismissal of many conspiracy theories as unfounded or impractical.
  • Humorous speculation on how aliens might perceive Earth.
  • Critique of media outlets like CNN and Fox News for perpetuating misinformation.

• Notable Quotes:
  "9/11, inside job, lizard people. There's aliens that we're already in business with."
  [16:47]

  "You just can't imagine that there's other people with more of a head start."
  [18:44]

9. Conclusion and Holiday Wishes

Wrapping up the episode, Bill Burr and Dennis Leary extend their holiday greetings to listeners, wishing them a Happy Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or a pleasant time off regardless of their celebrations. They also acknowledge the challenges faced during the episode but emphasize positive interactions.

• Key Points:

  • Expressing gratitude towards listeners.
  • Final shout-outs and acknowledgments.
  • Encouragement to enjoy the holidays and stay connected with loved ones.

• Notable Quotes:
  "I hope you had a nice Christmas. Hanukkah. I think it starts tonight or whatever. Happy Hanukkah to you. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy. If you don't celebrate anything, I hope you had a good one."
  [30:42]

  "Enjoy the music picked out by the amazing, incredibly talented Andrew Themless, who by the way, shot a stand-up special that made it to the Cannes Film Festival in France."
  [33:00]

---

Final Thoughts

This episode of the Monday Morning Podcast blends personal anecdotes, sharp cultural critiques, passionate discussions on labor and sports, and light-hearted banter. Bill Burr and Dennis Leary effectively intertwine humor with insightful commentary, making the podcast both entertaining and thought-provoking for listeners.

---

Note: The transcript included repetitive segments starting at [34:01]. This summary focuses on the initial, non-repeating content to provide a comprehensive overview without redundancy.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Dennis Leary is going from warmonger to cheesemonger in the new Fox comedy Going Dutch. Leary plays a legendary colonel put in charge of a non combat US army base in the Netherlands full of soldiers who are a little different than what you'd expect. Danny Pudi from Community is the colonel's second in command and the base captain is the colonel's estranged daughter, which obviously complicates things. Don't miss the new Fox comedy Going Dutch, premiering Thursday following a new season of Animal Control on Fox. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and FA la la la la. I'm checking in on you. I try to make it the holiday the holiday season podcast. I don't know, I try to. I try to infuse it and it didn't work. But what are you gonna do?

[Dennis Leary]

What are you gonna do?

[Bill Burr]

It didn't work. Just like your ex wife didn't work. Bonjour. Bonsoir. Bon. Je m'a Guillaume. You guys have a good Christmas? I had a great Christmas. I had a great Christmas. Settee parfait. It was perfect. I gotta tell you this cute story. When I was a little boy.

[Paul Virzi]

I.

[Bill Burr]

I was faced with a Sophie's Choice when I was a kid. And this is probably how I ended.

[Dennis Leary]

Up being a comedian. The trauma of this.

[Bill Burr]

I was in a department store back in Massachusetts and my mother was getting me some new pajamas. And she brings me over to the pajama section. She said, pick out the pajamas you want. And I'm scanning the pajamas and the first thing I see is the Bugs Bunny stuff. And I love Bugs Bunny, right? And they had Bugs Bunny playing basketball.

[Dennis Leary]

And Bugs Bunny playing football. And I was like, oh, like I loved football from the time I remember watching tv and like when I was a little kid, I didn't know they were wearing pads. So I thought their shoulders were that big. I thought they were these little like these, these date not little that thought they were like these fucking hulks just slamming into each other.

[Bill Burr]

Interestingly enough, right as I was about ready to pick Bugs Bunny playing football.

[Dennis Leary]

Youl know, the old school leather helmet.

[Bill Burr]

On and he was holding the football.

[Dennis Leary]

Running for a touchdown. Nobody near him. Right? Hey, good. Go all the way, right? And I look to the left and.

[Bill Burr]

What do I see?

[Dennis Leary]

I see Hulk pajamas. And the hulk is built like the football players. I don't know, like they're wearing. I didn't know if they're wearing pads. So I'm like. I'm looking at him, and he's green, and he's shredded, and he's angry, and it's green, and I've always loved green. So I was going. I couldn't make up my mind.

[Bill Burr]

So I said, ma, Ma, come over here. Oh, I was young, Ma, ma, come over here. You know, I wanted both. Could I get both? And she said, no, because it was the 70s, and that's a word kids heard a lot. She was like, no. She's like, I'm gonna do some more shopping. Another thing. You just leave your kids, right? I'm gonna fucking pick. How every kid was not abducted in the 70s is just fucking beyond me. So she walks away in a department store. So me and my brother are standing there. He's trying to out what he wants, and I cannot make up my mind.

[Dennis Leary]

I am agonizing, agonizing, and I just.

[Bill Burr]

Couldn'T make up my mind. And I finally. I chose Bugs Bunny playing football, because I love football, and I love Bugs Bunny. I love the Hulk, too. But there was two things that I loved or whatever, and I grabbed a bug. I finally. She said, come on, we got to go pick one. So I reached for Hulk and then went over and grabbed Bugs Bunny, handed it to her, and then she, you know, took me by my arm the way they used to, you know, your first separated shoulder. Is your mother giving you the let's go tug, right? So she's pulling me out, and as we're walking away, I'm looking over at my shoulder, sad, looking at the Hulk pajamas. And every time I wore the Bugs Bunnies, I love them, but I always.

[Dennis Leary]

Thought about the Hulk pajamas, and I never got them.

[Bill Burr]

All right, so here we are, fucking 50 years later. I told that story to my daughter because she was going through something where she wanted something, you know. You know, then she had to make a choice or whatever. And it brought me back to that moment. And what I always do whenever my kids are going through some stuff is rather than talk to them about them, I talk. I tell them a story of when.

[Dennis Leary]

I was going through the same thing. Like, if they. If they have to do, like, a performance at school and they're nervous, I go, of course you're nervous.

[Bill Burr]

I always get nervous right before I go on stage.

[Dennis Leary]

And then my daughter's like, you do? Yeah, yeah. My stomach's in knots. I'm hoping it's gonna go well. But then once I get out there.

[Bill Burr]

I have so much fun. And then when it's over, I feel Great. I feel proud about myself because I went up and I did it right? I do stuff like that or like if my kids feeling sad, I just.

[Dennis Leary]

Sort of clock that.

[Bill Burr]

And a few days later, I'll, you know, I'll just sort of work in.

[Dennis Leary]

How I was sad today. And, you know, it makes him feel like it's all right to have all these emotions, right? So what were you sad about that? Well, you know, I was thinking about some friends that I lost and haven't seen in a while and blah, blah, blah and whatever, right? So anyway, I related that story to her. I forget what the heck she was dealing with. She had like a something about sports, something about soccer. She had to make a choice, right? And I could see it was bugging her. So I told her that story, right? And about how sometimes, you know, you don't get everything, but if you get something, that's still great, right? So I tell her that story and.

[Bill Burr]

Guess what she got me for Christmas at 56 years of age? I got Hulk pajamas. Now, granted, no offense to Comic Con people. Comic Con people. I am way too old for that, right? But it was the gesture that she did. And I made sure I told her that night I sat in the hallway, I said, sweetheart, I go, you just made a childhood dream come true. Thank you so much. She just broke out ear to ear.

[Dennis Leary]

Grin and gave me a big hug. And I was thinking, there you go. That's my Christmas right there.

[Bill Burr]

So look at that. Usually a gloom and doom podcast. I started off with a nice story that I like to think in my own egomaniac fucking skull that you guys all just went, aw. But I know there's a lot of you damaged fuck were like, no Billy Tits or whatever. And I don't take that personally.

[Dennis Leary]

And whenever somebody says something like that to me, all I hear is the lack of hugs in your childhood. Or if you're just Irish, like, you just.

[Bill Burr]

It's.

[Dennis Leary]

You're born with it.

[Bill Burr]

Before.

[Dennis Leary]

Before somebody doesn't love you, before you don't get the hugs, before your dad spends the weekly paycheck down in the pubs doing some Angela. Angela's Ashes shit, right? You just. They're just born with it.

[Bill Burr]

The Irish people are simultaneously my favorite.

[Dennis Leary]

People and the most miserable cunts I've ever met in my life.

[Bill Burr]

I wouldn't even say that. I would say the English are. You know what I mean? Because at least the Irish still have.

[Dennis Leary]

Something to go for.

[Bill Burr]

It's like the English are there and they were there, and it just didn't fill them up.

[Dennis Leary]

And now they're just cunts, right?

[Bill Burr]

And always blows my mind. Help. The English are like the. That's like the. The English are the European versions of American New Yorkers. Like American New Yorkers.

[Dennis Leary]

They just think they fucking know everything. They think where they live is the.

[Bill Burr]

Be all, end all and their shit doesn't fucking stink.

[Dennis Leary]

It's very relatable. Whenever I go over to England, right, It's so funny, they always say, right, what's the soul?

[Bill Burr]

The guns, mate. Don't understand it. Why you call football, right? Always fuck.

[Jake the Snake]

You know, you don't.

[Bill Burr]

You don't use your finger. Use your hands. You use your hands like they think they're the first person that ever fucking said that. Every time you go over there and it's. What's with the guns, mate? It's fucking crazy over there, right? At least that's what they sound like to me, all right? They all sound high pitchy Ricky Gervais to me. So.

[Dennis Leary]

And I always would look at me, just be like, what do you mean?

[Bill Burr]

What the fuck happened over here? You started what happened over here? The fuck did you come over to America with. With your ships? You come over with a bunch of flowers? You didn't. You came over cannons and muskets and then. And all those other fucking long guns, right? So musket, the pistol back then, the Bugs Bunny one that flared out and he just fucking shot metal at people. You guys started this shit over, you guys, the French and the Spaniards. And then all these years later, after you set the fucking tone over here, you wonder why it still exists. You're like the abusive parent who then just blames it. I don't know. I don't know. He's so angry about it. He used to be a happy kid. Yeah, and then I had you as a parent and that went out the fucking window, didn't it? Anyway, yeah. If you don't understand America, that's because you live in a fucking country where it's all you. Basically. It's all you and then there's a little bit not you. And do you get along with them? Do they feel welcome in your country? They don't. That's our entire country. Our entire country is a bunch of fucking people that weren't from here. Our ancestors were not fucking from here. There's all these different teams and we have CNN and Fox News to make sure we all fucking hate each other every goddamn week. All right? And there you go. This country was stolen. We're driving a hot car over here. And you don't know what. You don't know when the cops are showing up. So everybody's fucking strapped. That's what's going on here. And it's been going on so long, you're not going to fucking stop it. So enough with the stupid fucking questions. Why do you use your hands in football? Because soccer is boring.

[Dennis Leary]

No, it isn't. It's a beautiful game.

[Bill Burr]

It's a beautiful fucking game if it's not played here. But if it's played here by Mexicans, then it's beautiful. But they, you know, they're from a country, or they're. At least our ancestors are. If they're native to this country that appreciates that fucking game because it's.

[Dennis Leary]

It's a gorgeous game.

[Bill Burr]

You know, here's another question I have for the English. I don't understand why you're so into fucking racing, why you're so into high performance and all of that. You know, it's like, what's that? That Top Gear show and that old cunt on there is always making fun of American cars and technology, which I totally get. But then you go out and you buy an English car, it's the biggest piece of shit you're ever gonna like. The Range Rover engine. That's the best you can fucking do? You buy a Range Rover? You just fucking married the lemon law.

[Dennis Leary]

Here in the United States.

[Bill Burr]

And that's your idea of a luxury fucking suv?

[Dennis Leary]

You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

[Bill Burr]

Anytime they have that fucking F1 race or the MotoGP race over in England, they're all, my God, this legendary. Oh, this is Lewis Hamilton's favorite fucking place. I guarantee you.

[Paul Virzi]

What?

[Bill Burr]

Lewis Hamilton doesn't drive a fucking Jaguar or a Range Rover. He's got a Mercedes, so he's got something Italian, 100%. All I can say is, thank God the English don't make planes. They'd be going down left and right now, right, you cunt. They all got Rolls Royce engines in them. Rolls Royce people. There's always an exception to the rule. They're the Larry Bird. The inexplicable, uncoordinated, fucking white guy that can somehow play at the NBA level. That's what Rolls Royce is. Everything else is fucking garbage. Your Triumphs, your fucking Jaguars, your fucking Range Rovers. Garbage.

[Paul Virzi]

They look good, Roy.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking brilliant. Pretty to look at. Pretty look at as you drive it to the fucking mechanic.

[Dennis Leary]

Anyway, there we go. That ought to rile up some fucking pasty cunts over there. Anyway, plowing ahead here I had a.

[Bill Burr]

Great fucking Christmas shout out to Amazon. Drivers on strike. I like what you're doing. I like what you're doing. Enough with these fucking Internet nerds taking over the fucking world. And then on top of that, not paying anybody. You stay on strike. You stay on strike. Fucking.

[Dennis Leary]

What's it like to drive a truck? Like a man working for somebody who, you know, walks around in feet, pajamas. It's got to be terrible. Anyway, plowing. I'm in my pod. My new podcast studio has been my car lately. I'm sitting in my car like a maniac. And what the best thing is, is I'm such a loud jerk off that even when people walk by, they can.

[Bill Burr]

They.

[Dennis Leary]

Even with the windows up, they think I'm in an argument, you know, with my significant other, whatever that might be in this day and age. But, you know, that's not the case. That's not the case. I had a great Christmas. Everything is, is, is, is, is, Is wonderful. The Patriots have a quarterback now. I saw some of the highlights of the Bills game. You know, I don't have. I don't have the NFL package this year, so all I'm seeing is the, the Rams and the Chargers, and I just saw the highlights. You know, we had a bad little play in the end, gave him a fucking touchdown. But, you know, Drake May, Drake May, we can build around this guy. I believe in this guy. And the Pats, you know, slowly but surely are going to come back, and I actually believe that they're going to be coming back. Whereas a kid, I always knew, hey, if we just get the wild card. I was happy just because that's where we were. And then came a guy named Robert Kraft, and that Guy has gone 3 for 3 with coaches. I mean, the three greatest coaching hires right in a row by any owner. Bill Parcells, okay, we'll give him that one. Everybody already knew he was a fucking legend, but he was able to get him. And then we go to Pete Carroll.

[Paul Virzi]

Woo.

[Bill Burr]

Pete Carroll, the fucking khaki king himself, right?

[Paul Virzi]

Whoa.

[Bill Burr]

Still running up and down the stairs. Don't let that Flanders vibe fool you. That guy was fucking an alpha, dressed in fucking. I go to church every week clothing. And then he hires the one and only, the Paul Brown of today, Bill Belichick.

[Dennis Leary]

Fucking incredible. So I'm believing in everything, and I'm very excited that, you know, rough couple years, whatever. Rough couple years. I can shake that off. I had a rough couple decades. Hey, let me tell you, it was rough before all of that shit happened. So I'm very excited where, where they are at. And I'm also excited to have time off. I'm excited that the script is handed in. Now I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the feedback. You know, handing in, this is fucking great. And then every second that I don't hear their feedback, I'm like, wait a minute, is it not? Oh, the doubt. The doubt is fucking creeping in.

[Bill Burr]

Dennis Leary is going from warmonger to cheesemonger in the new Fox comedy Going Dutch. Leary plays a legendary colonel put in charge of a non combat US army base in the Netherlands full of soldiers who are a little different than what you'd expect. Danny Poody from Community is the colonel's second in command and the base captain is the colonel's estranged daughter, which obviously complicates things. Don't miss the new Fox comedy Going Dutch, premiering Thursday following a new season of Animal Control on Fox.

[Dennis Leary]

Anyway, I had my 9 millionth meltdown about what I consider to be arguably the biggest lie in America in the 20th century. Like, if you, if you had to, like, think, what is the biggest lie? Okay, you're probably going, federal Reserve, magic bullet theory. You know, we didn't see the entire Japanese navy coming across the ocean. I mean, then you can go like, fucking conspiracy. That is a lot of that is conspiracy. That's all conspiracy. What am I talking about? But the newer conspiracies, 9, 11, inside job, fucking lizard people. There's aliens that we're already in business with. Can you imagine seeing this place as an alien? You're like, yeah, I can do something with that. Can you imagine that? I mean, why would you think that? Other than this is the only planet around that seems like it's got some shit going on? I mean, the only reason why I think the fucking aliens would stop here is because there's some who is other than that. Got some. We got some good music too, some nice weather, but I don't know what they breathe, right? That's what gets me about these fucking aliens. They just show up and they can breathe in our atmosphere.

[Bill Burr]

Why am I afraid of a fucking.

[Dennis Leary]

Alien if all I gotta do is just rip your gas mask off.

[Bill Burr]

You know, just because they can get here doesn't mean they have, like fucking superpowers. I mean, if that fucking nerd on Twitter could get a rocket to fucking go up and stick another satellite, like.

[Dennis Leary]

We need more surveillance up there, and.

[Bill Burr]

Then come back and park in the same parking spot. If that fucking laminated, dyed hair, plugged.

[Dennis Leary]

Cunt can make that happen.

[Bill Burr]

You're telling. You know, you're telling me that there's other people with more of a head start. Can't. Can't make some fucking, you know, cups, glue a couple plates together and fly over here.

[Dennis Leary]

But that doesn't mean that. That they're. They're like.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I guess some of the shit.

[Dennis Leary]

That they've been showing lately, I'm just stopping in midair and then just going fucking light speed.

[Bill Burr]

All right?

[Dennis Leary]

They're a little ahead of us in aviation, all right? But, I mean, that happens in the world. I mean, I heard Asia, I heard their fucking cell phones are way beyond ours, you know? Doesn't mean they're gonna take over the world, you know? But CNN and Fox News are saying different things, aren't they? I don't even watch those channels. I just. I just blame them for everything. It just feels good, you know? Who better to blame than the. Just a bunch of fucking people walking around acting like they're journalists when they're not. When was the last time you were walking down the street and you saw somebody with a Fox News or a fucking CNN card tucked into their fedora to go get on the scene and cover a story? They're not doing that.

[Bill Burr]

They're.

[Dennis Leary]

They're. They're in the office in a controlled environment reading some ticker tape and then fucking figuring out how to spin it their way. Oh, Jesus, Bill. I thought you had a good Christmas. What's going on? You're going dark here, dude. The fucking walls are closing in. Speaking of the walls closing in, this play that I'm gonna be doing in New York. Glengarry. Glen Ross, Glenn Levitt. That's what I'm gonna be if I blow this gig.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, that would be fun. That's the New York Post. That's the New York Post.

[Dennis Leary]

Glengarry.

[Jake the Snake]

If I.

[Dennis Leary]

If I get. I go back to drinking, and I'm just, like, stumbling around, missing shows, hammered. Glenn, Gary. Glenn Ross. More like Glenn Levitt. Hanging on a park bench, talking to a pigeon. Talking to the pigeon. Like, see, this is real conversation, man. It's not memorized. We're just feeding off each other, connecting pigeons, looking at me like, are you gonna toss me some bread? Like, what's going on here? I'm not your therapist.

[Bill Burr]

Jeez. So.

[Dennis Leary]

I'm savoring these days before I have to go to work. That's what I'm trying to do. Trying to hang out with everybody I can. All my family, obviously. And then I'm all My friends around town, I'm trying to get one hang in with them before I embark on this next chapter. T. When people say that the next chapter of my journey. Journey. Magellan was on a journey. Johnny Appleseed walking across the country, when it wasn't all air quote, civilized, all right? Whenever the. He did it, all right, Those people were on a journey. Jack Kerouac was on a journey in a car. I think his last guy that actually had a journey, you know, I mean, if you're going to work every day and you're coming back and now my kids are teenagers, that's not a journey. It's an experience. There's a fucking difference, all right? If I go to the Dominican Republic and I land and I get a car service and immediately go to some fucking resort, I didn't go to a. There's not a journey, all right? If I learned how to sail and I got a fucking boat and I went down the fucking western coast of this country, Central America, somehow had the fucking coin to go through the Panama Canal and fucking went back up. That was a gut in a Dominican Republic. That's a fucking journey, all right? If you're some fat fucking cow, you know, who's been fed, poisoned by your own fucking countrymen, right, that you're now so fucking big, even if you wanted to get a boat license, you know, even if you fucking had the wherewithal to push yourself away from that hot fudge sundae you're eating every goddamn night. I need it to go to sleep, right?

[Bill Burr]

Even if you had the wherewithal to.

[Dennis Leary]

Do it, you don't have the money to buy a boat big enough that.

[Bill Burr]

You can get on.

[Dennis Leary]

That's not going to capsize, all right? Your boating dreams are out the window. Which, by the way, I was joking with Nia last night. Like how many of today's rappers, everybody in hip hop seems to be rapping about liabilities, cars, bitches, boats, all that stuff.

[Bill Burr]

You know, this might be the old man to me, but I just listen to that stuff and I just think.

[Dennis Leary]

You'Re not getting your money back on any of that.

[Bill Burr]

All that's going on, it's fighting the toilet. So it's all a depreciating asset.

[Dennis Leary]

My favorite thing, back when rappers and musicians could make money off of album sales, remember the fucking money? People would let the fucking shit that rock stars and rappers would buy. It was so fun to watch when they used to do the MTV Cribs, just looking at all the dumb that they would buy. They'd Commission an oil painting of themselves and hanging over a fireplace that was.

[Bill Burr]

Big enough to be considered a two car garage. Remember that? The rock stars would get a pool.

[Dennis Leary]

In the shape of their signature guitar. Rock stars were amazing. Jumping off their roof into the pool, hammered out of their minds. Just have some giant fucking swing hanging from like your double ceiling or whatever that went all the way up. Pillars and shit, front of your house.

[Bill Burr]

Everybody's house looked like the fucking.

[Dennis Leary]

Like you were working for the government, right? And my favorite thing, rappers, they would. They would. Instead of a Jesus piece that went beyond that, they would spend all this money on diamonds to have their own face made.

[Bill Burr]

It's like, dude, you better keep writing hits if you think you're ever. If that's ever gonna be fucking worth something. Like, how much would you pay for a Sonny and Cher diamond fucking piece, you know? Or a Mac Davis, rest his soul. Baby, baby, don't you get, don't you get hooked on me. Ever hear that song? Baby, baby, don't you get hooked on me. Cause I'm just gonna love you, babe and set you free. You just sing, I'm gonna you and leave. And you know what? Women loved it. They love this song. You know why? Because back then they were raised right.

[Dennis Leary]

This isn't even a podcast. This is just me filling up 30 minutes. I'm like that guy who shouldn't have been fighting for the title, you know, and the fucking champ needs a tune up fight. So he's just carrying me for seven rounds and I'm just fucking hanging, you know, taking two to the head and then just grabbing onto him. And you're sitting there going, what the fuck?

[Bill Burr]

I paid for this. Yes, you did. Yes, you did.

[Dennis Leary]

Pay per view.

[Bill Burr]

Pay per view.

[Dennis Leary]

That was the funniest thing about that. That last Tyson exhibition, everyone was all fucking upset by it. It's. I say, dude, you didn't pay anything for.

[Bill Burr]

You already had Netflix. You already had it. You didn't like shut it off. It's Netflix. There's 30,000 other fucking things. Oh, my God. If you watch that shit on Netflix, like, what did that do to your Q or whatever they call it? Did you just watch a bunch of fixed fights after that?

[Paul Virzi]

Does that all come up?

[Bill Burr]

Like, they just show you, like a bunch of not like fixed fights, but just like bad decisions with a crowd, booze and all of that shit. And then the trainers fight each other.

[Dennis Leary]

That's what I do love about boxing and the UFC and everything is everybody knows how to fight. Like, the trainers, they all Know how to fight. So at the end, it's not like an NBA fight. NBA fights are the worst because those guys are all like 9ft tall.

[Bill Burr]

Whoever who the ever took a swing.

[Dennis Leary]

At them, they were all like six.

[Bill Burr]

Feet tall by the time they were in fifth grade. Nobody ever with you, so. And then they. They throw punches, man. It's like they can't hit each other. It's shit is hilarious. There's a few that could fight, but generally speaking, nobody throws like a jab followed by like an overhand right. They start with the overhand right. I always say, like the NBA, average NBA guy. The way they throw a punch, it's like they're trying to throw somebody out from like the warning track. And then they just. You ever see like the people in the bars when they do that stupid ego thing, trying to punch that, that.

[Dennis Leary]

That just a stationary speed bag, basically, right? You just punch it and then it measures how much of a man you.

[Bill Burr]

Are, the amount of people that swing.

[Dennis Leary]

And miss and then fall on their ass.

[Bill Burr]

That's.

[Dennis Leary]

That's what an NBA fight looks like.

[Bill Burr]

All right. But then you watch anytime there's a bad decision. And this is the brilliance of the.

[Dennis Leary]

Octagon in the ufc, is it's very hard for. For the fight camp of the other side, the losing fighter, to get in there and fucking. Oh, do they walk in with them?

[Bill Burr]

I always feel like they just. The interview, the guy loses quick, and then Joe talks to the winner, whether.

[Dennis Leary]

They'Re standing or not.

[Bill Burr]

I never stood. Why Joe got shit for sitting down next to Conor McGregor. He's like. He was on the ground.

[Dennis Leary]

Was he gonna stand over him fucking.

[Bill Burr]

Hanging the mic down like his dick.

[Dennis Leary]

He had to get down there.

[Bill Burr]

He did what he had to do. He did what he had to do under, like, unlike those cunts on Fox News and cnn. You don't see them crouching down to fucking talk to them about why they shouldn't have refinanced their house.

[Dennis Leary]

Anyway, I don't. What else do I got? I don't have any ad breeds. You know, you do a podcast like this, you know, the ad reads are few and far fucking between. So I did real good in the holidays. I stayed away from the sweets. I don't fuck with. I don't even like it anymore. It's great once you get off sugar for like anywhere from four to 10 days, it doesn't even taste right anymore. And then other shit that used to seem bland is amazing. Like, I remember the first time I like, had like a Raw avocado. I was like, am I eating like wallpaper? Like, what, What. What is this? This is disgusting now. I love it. You know, I used to have to have all this salt in it. Fucking lime, the whole guac thing. I had to have that or whatever I was doing. I had to like, you know, kind of zhuzh it up right? Now I can just eat it. I eat it fucking straight. It's delicious. But you can't eat an avocado because there's always some fucking cunt. They going, you know, it's a lot of fucking.

[Bill Burr]

It's a lot of fat. Then somebody else goes, oh, it's actually a good kind of fat.

[Paul Virzi]

Kind of like salmon.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, salmon. You mean the ones that they fucking grow and then fucking hollowed out fucking suitcases, whatever the hell they're doing. They got cloudy fucking eyes.

[Dennis Leary]

That's why they chop their heads off over here. They don't want you. Don't want you to.

[Bill Burr]

They don't want you to see what.

[Dennis Leary]

The health of the fucking fish before you ate it. Oh, Jesus, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus.

[Dennis Leary]

You got a minute and a half to go and.

[Bill Burr]

And you're coming like this.

[Jake the Snake]

I gotta come home for this.

[Bill Burr]

What movie? Goodfellas. Ray Liotta, rest his soul, talking to Karen.

[Dennis Leary]

The original Karen, I like to say, you know, she was a Karen. She knew what she was. We fucking pistol whipped the guy across the street. You didn't think he was gonna have hooves. You didn't think he was gonna be out banging Janet Rossi.

[Bill Burr]

What did you think you were fucking signing up for? You thought you were gonna be different? You saw the mob girls, they all looked Dan. Oh, they were wearing secondhand stuff. They all look like they'd been shook.

[Dennis Leary]

Anyway. All right, that's the podcast, people. I tried to bring the holiday vibe. I started off. I started off with the holiday vibe.

[Bill Burr]

And, you know, it went. It went south. It went south quick.

[Dennis Leary]

It went mid mid January really quickly. You know, shout out to everybody in the Midwest, the real Midwest, not Chicago. There's plenty to do there. I mean, when you get out in the weeds, you get out there in Nebraska and Kansas and Iowa, the Dakotas, Wyoming, which I know is the mountain, but whatever. Mountain time. You owe it to yourself to fucking go out there at some point and see what those people have to live in. During the wintertime when the crops are all cut down and that barren earth meets that gray sky, you feel like you're walking on the surface of the fucking moon. I've said this a million times. I never Understood how a band like Slipknot came from Iowa. I didn't understand where the anger came from. I didn't understand it. I liked it. But I like. Those guys are from Iowa. And then I did some college gigs in Iowa in like February, and I was like, oh, okay, I get it now. I get it. As per usual, I had an idea of a place and then I went there and I was like, ah. Turns out my idea was. Was 100% wrong. All right, that is the podcast, everybody. I hope you had a nice Christmas. Hanukkah. I think it starts tonight or whatever. Happy Hanukkah to you. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy. If you don't celebrate anything, I hope you had a good one, hope you got some time off.

[Bill Burr]

And once again, shout out to those Amazon drivers. We should not be under the thumb.

[Dennis Leary]

Of people with fucking D, dyed hair plugs and feet pajamas. I don't think that's too much to ask. I don't mind if you run shit.

[Bill Burr]

But, you know, break a little something off for the people working for you.

[Dennis Leary]

Is it. Is that how business is done? Does that make you sleep warm at night knowing that your workers go home crying, trying to figure out how they're gonna pay their bills, exhausted, missing their kids, growing up just so you can have a bigger infinity pool, you fucking cunt. You don't have to take the infinity pool literally. It doesn't have to keep going. You know, once you have half the size of a fucking pool and you.

[Bill Burr]

Know, pay somebody to drive your shit.

[Dennis Leary]

That nobody needs across the goddamn country.

[Bill Burr]

All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

[Dennis Leary]

Enjoy the music picked out by the amazing, incredibly talented Andrew Themless, who by the way, shot a stand up special.

[Bill Burr]

That made it to the Cannes Film Festival in France. Enjoy his music. And then after that, we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend. You can't enjoy the football and I'll.

[Dennis Leary]

Talk to you on Monday.

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and FA la la la la. I'm checking in on you. I try to make it the holiday, the holiday season podcast. I don't know, I try to. I try to infuse it and it didn't work.

[Paul Virzi]

What are you gonna do?

[Dennis Leary]

What are you gonna do?

[Bill Burr]

It didn't work. Just like your ex wife didn't work. Bonjour, bonsoir. Bon, je suiss. You guys have a good Christmas. I had a Great Christmas. I had a great Christmas settee buffet. It was perfect. I got to tell you this cute story. When I was a little boy.

[Paul Virzi]

I.

[Bill Burr]

I was faced with a Sophie's Choice when I was a kid. And this is probably how I ended.

[Dennis Leary]

Up being a comedian. The trauma of this.

[Bill Burr]

I was in a department store back in Massachusetts, and my mother was getting me some new pajamas. And she brings me over to the pajama section. She said, pick out the pajamas you want. And I'm scanning the pajamas, and the first thing I see is the Bugs Bunny stuff. And I love Bugs Bunny, right? And they had Bugs Bunny playing basketball and Bugs Bunny playing football.

[Dennis Leary]

And I was like, oh.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I loved football from the time.

[Dennis Leary]

I remember watching tv. And, like, when I was a little kid, I didn't know they were wearing pads, so I thought their shoulders were that big. I thought they were these little. Like these. Not little. They thought they were like these fucking hulks just slamming into each other.

[Bill Burr]

Interestingly enough, right as I was about ready to pick Bugs Bunny playing football.

[Dennis Leary]

You know, the old school, leather helmet.

[Bill Burr]

On, and he was holding the football, running for a touchdown.

[Dennis Leary]

Nobody near him, right? Hey, good. Go all the way, right?

[Bill Burr]

And I look to the left, and what do I see?

[Dennis Leary]

I see Hulk pajamas. And the Hulk is built. Like, the football players. I don't know, like, they're wearing. I didn't know if they're wearing pads. So I'm like. I'm looking at him, and he's green, and he's shredded, and he's angry, and it's green, and I've always loved green. So I was going. I couldn't make up my mind.

[Bill Burr]

So I said, ma, Ma, come over here. Oh, I was young.

[Paul Virzi]

Ma, Ma, come over here.

[Bill Burr]

You know, I wanted both. Could I get both? And she said, no, because it was the 70s, and that's a word kids heard a lot. She was like, no, you. She's like, I'm going to do some more shopping. Another thing, you just leave your kids, right? I'm gonna fucking pick. How every kid was not abducted in the 70s is just fucking beyond me. So she walks away in a department store. So me and my brother are standing there. He's trying to figure out what he wants, and I cannot make up my mind.

[Dennis Leary]

I am agonizing, agonizing.

[Bill Burr]

And I just couldn't make up my mind. And I finally. I chose Bugs Bunny playing football because I loved football and I loved Bugs Bunny. I loved the Hulk, too. But there was two things that I loved or whatever. And I grabbed a bug. I finally. She said, come on, we got to go pick one. So I reached for Hulk and then went over and grabbed Bugs Bunny, handed it to her, and then she, you know, took me by my arm the way they used to. You know, your first separated shoulder. Is your mother giving you the let's go tug, right? So she's pulling me out, and as we're walking away, I'm looking over at my shoulder, sad, looking at the Hulk pajamas. And every time I wore the Bugs Bunnies, I loved them, but I always thought about the Hulk pajamas, and I never got them. All right, so here we are, fucking 50 years later. I told that story to my daughter because she was going through something where she wanted something, you know? You know, and she had to make a choice or whatever. And it brought me back to that moment. And what I always do whenever my kids are going through some stuff is.

[Dennis Leary]

Rather than talk to them about them.

[Bill Burr]

I tell them a story of when.

[Dennis Leary]

I was going through the same thing. Like, if they. If they have to do, like, a performance at school and they're nervous, I.

[Bill Burr]

Go, of course you're nervous. I always get nervous right before I go on stage.

[Dennis Leary]

And then my daughter's like, you do? Yeah, yeah. My stomach's in knots.

[Bill Burr]

I'm hoping it's gonna go well, but.

[Dennis Leary]

Then once I get out there, I.

[Bill Burr]

Have so much fun. And then when it's over, I feel great. I feel proud about myself because I went up and I did it right. I do stuff like that. Or like, if my kids feeling sad, I just sort of clocked that. And a few days later, I'll. You know, I'll just sort of work.

[Dennis Leary]

In how I was sad today. And, you know, it makes them feel like it's all right to have all these emotions, right? So what were you sad about that? Well, you know, I was thinking about some friends that I lost and haven't seen in a while and blah, blah, blah, blah and whatever, right? So anyway, I related that story to her. I forget what the heck she was dealing with. She had like a something about sports, something about soccer. She had to make a choice, right? And I could see it was bugging her, so I told her that story, right? And about how sometimes, you know, you don't get everything, but if you get something, that's still great, right?

[Bill Burr]

So I tell her that story, and guess what she got me for Christmas at 56 years of age, I got Hulk pajamas. Now, granted, no offense to Comic Con people. Comic Con people. I am way too old for that shit, right? But it was the gesture that she did. And I made sure I told her that night. I sat in the hallway, I said, sweetheart, I go, you just made a childhood dream come true. Thank you so much. She just broke out ear to ear.

[Dennis Leary]

Grin and gave me a big hug. And I was thinking, there you go, that's my Christmas right there.

[Bill Burr]

So look at that. Usually a gloom and doom podcast. I started off with a nice story that I like to think in my own egomaniac skull that you guys all just went, aw. But I know there's a lot of you damaged, were like, oh, Billy, fucking pussy tits or whatever. And I don't take that personally.

[Dennis Leary]

And whenever somebody says something like that to me, all I hear is the lack of hugs in your childhood. Or if you're just Irish, like, you just.

[Bill Burr]

It's.

[Dennis Leary]

You're born with it before. Before somebody doesn't love you, before you don't get the hugs, before your dad spends the weekly paycheck down in the pubs doing some Angela. Angela's Ashes shit, right?

[Bill Burr]

You just.

[Dennis Leary]

They're just born with it.

[Bill Burr]

The Irish people are simultaneously my favorite people and the most miserable cunts I've.

[Dennis Leary]

Ever met in my life.

[Bill Burr]

I wouldn't even say that. I would say the English are. You know what I mean? Because at least the Irish still has.

[Dennis Leary]

Something to go for.

[Bill Burr]

It's like the English are there and they were there and it just didn't fill them up and now they're just cunts, right? And it always blows my mind up. The English are like the. That's like the. The English are the European version of American New Yorkers. Like American New Yorkers, they just think they fucking know everything.

[Dennis Leary]

They think where they live is the.

[Bill Burr]

Be all, end all and their shit doesn't fucking stink.

[Dennis Leary]

It's very relatable. Whenever I go over to England, right, It's so funny, they always say, right.

[Bill Burr]

What'S the soul of guns, mate? Don't understand it. What you call football, right? Always fucking, you know, you don't. You don't use your feet, you use your hands. You use your hands like they think they're the first person that ever fucking said that. Every time you go over there and it's, what's with the guns, mate? It's fucking crazy over there, right? At least that's what they sound like to me, all right? They all sound high pitchy Ricky Gervais to me. So.

[Dennis Leary]

And I always would look at me, just be like, what do you mean?

[Bill Burr]

What the fuck happened over here? You started. What happened over here? The fuck did you come over to America with. With your ships? You come over with a bunch of flowers? You didn't. You came over with cannons and muskets and then. And all one of those other fucking long guns. So musket, the pistol back then, the Bugs Bunny one, that flared out and he just fucking shot metal at people. You guys started this shit over, you guys, the French and the Spaniards. And then all these years later, after you set the fucking tone over here, you wonder why it still exists. You're like the abusive parent who then just blames it. I don't know. I don't know. He's so angry about it. He used to be a happy kid. Yeah. And then I had you as a parent and that went out the fucking window, didn't it?

[Dennis Leary]

Anyway, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

If you don't understand America, that's because you live in a fucking country where it's all you. Basically. It's all you and then there's a little bit not you. And do you get along with them? Do they feel welcome in your country? They don't. That's our entire country. Our entire country is a bunch of fucking people that weren't from here. Our ancestors were not fucking from here. There's all these different teams and we have CNN and Fox News to make sure we all fucking hate each other every goddamn week. All right? And there you go. This country was stolen. We're driving a hot car over here. And you don't know what. You don't know when the cops are showing up. So everybody's fucking strapped. That's what's going on here. And it's been going on so long, you're not gonna fucking stop it. So enough with the stupid fucking questions. Why do you use your hands in football? Because soccer is bad.

[Dennis Leary]

Boring. No, it isn't. It's a beautiful game.

[Bill Burr]

It's a beautiful fucking game if it's not played here, but if it's played here by Mexicans, then it's beautiful. But they, you know, they're from a country or they're. At least our ancestors are. If they're native to this country that appreciates that fucking game because it's.

[Dennis Leary]

It's a gorgeous game.

[Bill Burr]

You know, here's another question I have for the English. I don't understand why you're so into fucking racing, why you're so into high performance and all of that. You know, it's like that. What's that? That top tier show and that old cunt on there is always making Fun of American cars and technology, which I totally get. But then you go out and you buy an English car. It's the biggest piece of shit you're ever gonna like. The Range Rover engine. That's the best you can fucking do? You buy a Range Rover? You just fucking married the lemon law.

[Dennis Leary]

Here in the United States.

[Bill Burr]

And that's your idea of a luxury fucking suv?

[Dennis Leary]

You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

[Bill Burr]

Anytime they have that fucking F1 race or the MotoGP race over in England, they're, oh, my God, this legendary. Oh, this is Lewis Hamilton's favorite fucking place. I guarantee you what, Lewis Hamilton doesn't drive a fucking Jaguar or a Range Rover. He's got a Mercedes, sure, he's got something Italian. 100 fucking percent. All I can say is, thank God the English don't make planes. They'd be going down left, and right now, right, you can't. They all got Rolls Royce engines in them. Rolls Royce people, there's always an exception to the rule. They're the Larry Bird, the inexplicable, uncoordinated, fucking white guy that can somehow play at the NBA level. That's what Rolls Royce is. Everything else is fucking garbage. Your Triumphs, your fucking Jaguars, your Range Rovers, garbage.

[Paul Virzi]

They look good, right?

[Dennis Leary]

Brilliant.

[Bill Burr]

Pretty to look at. Pretty look at as you drive it to the mechanic.

[Dennis Leary]

Anyway, there we go. That ought to rile up some pasty cunts over there. Anyway, plowing ahead here.

[Bill Burr]

I had a great Christmas shout out to Amazon. Drivers on strike. I like what you're doing. I like what you're doing. Enough with these fucking Internet nerds taking over the fucking world. And then on top of that, not paying anybody. You fucking stay on strike. You stay on strike. Fucking.

[Dennis Leary]

What's it like to drive a truck? Like a man working for somebody who fucking, you know, walks around in feet pajamas. It's gotta be terrible. Anyway, plow. I'm in my pod. My new podcast studio has been my car lately. I'm sitting in my car like a maniac. And what the best thing is, is I'm such a loud jerk off that even when people walk by, they can.

[Paul Virzi]

They.

[Dennis Leary]

Even with the windows up, they think I'm in an argument, you know, with my significant other, whatever that might be in this day and age. But, you know, that's not the case. That's not the case. I had a great Christmas. Everything is wonderful. The Patriots have a quarterback now. I saw some of the highlights of the Bills game. You know, I don't have the NFL package this Year. So all I'm seeing is the Rams and the Chargers. And I just saw the highlights. You know, we had a bad little play in the end, gave him a fucking touchdown. But, you know, Drake May, Drake May, we can build around this guy. I believe in this guy. And the Pats, you know, slowly but surely are gonna come back. And I actually believe that they're going to be coming back. Whereas a kid I always knew, hey, if we just get the wild card, I was happy just because that's where we were. And then came a guy named Robert Kraft. And that guy has gone 3 for 3 with coaches. Mean the three greatest coaching hires right in a row by any owner. Bill Parcells. Okay, we'll give him that one. Everybody already knew he was a fucking legend, but he was able to get him. And then we go to Pete Carroll.

[Paul Virzi]

Whoo.

[Bill Burr]

Pete Carroll, the fucking khaki king himself, right?

[Paul Virzi]

Whoa.

[Bill Burr]

Still running up and down the stairs. Don't let that Flanders vibe fool you. That guy was fucking an alpha, dressed in fucking. I go to church every week, clothing. And then he hires the one and only, the Paul Brown of today, Bill Belichick.

[Dennis Leary]

Fucking incredible. So I'm believing in everything, and I'm very excited that, you know, rough couple years, whatever. Rough couple years. I can shake that off. I had a rough couple decades. Hey, it was rough before all of that shit happened. So I'm very excited where. Where they are at. And I'm also excited to have time off. I'm excited that the script is handed in. Now I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the feedback, you know, handing in, this is great. And then every second that I don't hear the feedback, I'm like, wait a minute, Is it not. Oh, the doubt. The doubt is creeping in. Anyway, I had my 9 millionth meltdown about what I consider to be arguably the biggest lie in America in the 20th century. Like, if you had to, like, think, what is the biggest lie? Okay, you're probably going, federal Reserve, magic bullet theory. You know, we didn't see the entire Japanese Navy coming across the ocean. I mean, then you can go like, conspiracy. That is a lot of that is conspiracy. That's all conspiracy. What am I talking about? But the newer conspiracies, 9, 11, Inside Job, Lizard people. There's aliens that we're already in business with. I mean, can you imagine seeing this fucking place as an alien? You're like, yeah, I can do something with that. Can you imagine that? I mean, why would you think that? Other than this is the Only planet around that seems like it's got some shit going on. I mean, the only reason why I think the fucking aliens would stop here is because there's some who is. Other than that, we got some good music too, some nice weather, but I.

[Bill Burr]

Don'T know what they breathe, right?

[Dennis Leary]

That's what gets me about these fucking aliens. They just show up and they can breathe in our atmosphere.

[Bill Burr]

Why am I afraid of a fucking.

[Dennis Leary]

Alien if all I got to do is just rip your gas mask off?

[Bill Burr]

You know, just cuz they can get here doesn't mean they have like fucking superpowers. I mean, if that fucking nerd on Twitter could get a rocket to fucking go up and stick another satellite, like we need more surveillance up there and then come back and park in the same parking spot if that fucking laminated, dyed hair, plugged cunt can make that happen. You're telling, you know, you're telling me that there's other people with more of a head start. Can't, can't make some fucking, you know, cups, glue a couple plates together and fly over here.

[Dennis Leary]

But that doesn't mean that, that they're, they're like.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I guess some of the shit.

[Dennis Leary]

That they've been showing lately, I'm just stopping in midair and then just going fucking light speed. All right, They're a little ahead of us in aviation, all right, but I mean, that happens in the world. I mean, I heard Asia that. I heard Their fucking cell phones are way beyond ours, you know? Doesn't mean they're going to take over.

[Bill Burr]

The world, you know?

[Dennis Leary]

But CNN and Fox News are saying different things, aren't they? I don't even watch those channels.

[Bill Burr]

I just.

[Dennis Leary]

I just blame them for everything. It just feels good, you know? Who better to blame than just a bunch of fucking people walking around acting like they're journalists when they're not?

[Bill Burr]

When was the last time you were.

[Dennis Leary]

Walking down the street and you saw somebody with a Fox News or a fucking CNN card tucked into their fedora to go get on the scene and cover a story? They're not doing that.

[Bill Burr]

They're, they're.

[Dennis Leary]

They're in the office in a controlled environment reading some ticker tape and then figuring out how to spin it their way. Oh, Jesus, Bill. I thought you had a good Christmas.

[Bill Burr]

What's going on?

[Dennis Leary]

You're going dark here, dude. The walls are closing in. Speaking of the walls closing in this play that I'm going to be doing in New York. Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, Glenn Levitt. That's what I'M gonna be if I blow this gig.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, that would be fun. That's the New York Post. That's the fucking New York Post.

[Dennis Leary]

Glengarry.

[Bill Burr]

If I. If I get fucking.

[Dennis Leary]

I go back to drinking, and I'm just, like, stumbling around, missing shows, hammered. Glengarry Glen Ross.

[Bill Burr]

More like Glenn Levitt.

[Dennis Leary]

Hanging on a park bench, talking to a fucking pigeon. Talking to the pigeon. Like, see, this is real conversation, man. It's not memorized. We're just feeding off each other, connecting pigeons. Looking at me like, are you gonna.

[Bill Burr]

Toss me some bread?

[Dennis Leary]

Oh, like, what's going on here? I'm not your therapist.

[Bill Burr]

Jeez. So.

[Dennis Leary]

I'm savoring these days before I have to go to work. That's what I'm trying to do. Trying to hang out with everybody I can. All my family, obviously, and then I'm. All my friends around town. I'm trying to get one hang in with them before I embark on this next chapter. Tame. When people say that the next chapter of my journey. Journey. Magellan was on a journey. Johnny Appleseed walking across the country, when it wasn't all, air, quote, civilized, all right? Or whenever the fuck he did it, all right? Those people were on a journey. Jack Kerouac was on a journey in a car. I think it was the last guy that actually had a fucking journey. You know what I mean? If you're going to work every fucking day and you're coming back, and now my kids are teenagers, that's not a journey. It's an experience. There's a fucking difference, all right? If I go to the Dominican Republic and I land and I get a car service and immediately go to some fucking resort, I didn't go to a. It was not a journey, all right? If I learned how to sail and I got a fucking boat and I went down the fucking western coast of this country, Central America, somehow had the fucking coin to go through the Panama Canal and fucking went back up. That was a gut in the Dominican Republic. That's a fucking journey, all right? If you're some fat fucking cow, you know, who's been fed poison by your own fucking countrymen, right, that you're now so fucking big, even if you wanted to get a boat license, you know, even if you fucking had the wherewithal to push yourself away from that hot fudge sundae you're eating every goddamn night, I need it to go to sleep, right?

[Bill Burr]

Even if you fucking had the wherewithal.

[Dennis Leary]

To do it, you don't have the money to buy a boat. Big Enough that you can get on that's not gonna fucking capsize, all right? Your boating dreams are out the fucking window.

[Bill Burr]

Which, by the way, I was joking.

[Dennis Leary]

With Nia last night. Like, how many of today's rappers, everybody in hip hop seems to be rapping about liabilities. Cars, bitches, boats, all that stuff.

[Bill Burr]

You know, this might be the old man of me, but I just listen to that stuff and I just think.

[Dennis Leary]

You'Re not getting your money back on any of that.

[Bill Burr]

All that's going on, it's right in the toilet. So it's all a depreciating fucking asset.

[Dennis Leary]

My favorite thing, back when rappers and musicians could make money off of album sales. Remember the fucking money people would, the fucking shit that rock stars and rappers would buy. It was so fun to watch when they used to do the MTV Cribs just looking at all the dumb shit that they would buy. They'd commission an oil painting of themselves.

[Bill Burr]

And hanging over a fireplace that was big enough to be considered a two car garage. Remember that? The rock stars would get a pool in the shape of their signature guitar.

[Dennis Leary]

Rock stars were amazing, jumping off their roof into the pool, hammered out of their minds. Just have some giant swing hanging from like your double ceiling or whatever that went all the way up pillars and front of your house.

[Bill Burr]

Everybody's house looked like the.

[Dennis Leary]

Like you were working for the government, right? And my favorite thing, rappers, they would, they would. Instead of a Jesus piece that went beyond that, they would spend all this money on diamonds to have their own face made.

[Bill Burr]

It's like, dude, you better keep writing hits if you think you have, if that's ever going to be fucking worth something. Like, how much would you pay for a Sonny and Cher diamond fucking piece, you know? Or a Mac Davis, rest his soul. Baby, baby, don't you get, don't you.

[Paul Virzi]

Get hooked on me.

[Bill Burr]

You ever hear that song, Baby, baby, don't you get hooked on me. Because I'm just gonna love you, babe and set you free. Just sing it, I'm gonna fuck you and leave. And you know what? Women loved it. They loved the song. You know why? Because back then they were raised right.

[Dennis Leary]

This isn't even a podcast. This is just me filling up 30 minutes. I'm like that guy who shouldn't have been fighting for the title, you know, and the champ needs a tune up fight. So he's just carrying me for seven rounds and I'm just hanging, you know, taking two to the head and then just grabbing onto him. And you're sitting there going, what The.

[Bill Burr]

I paid for this. Yes, you did. Yes, you did.

[Dennis Leary]

Pay per view.

[Bill Burr]

Pay per view.

[Dennis Leary]

That was the funniest thing about that. That last Tyson exhibition. Everyone was all fucking upset by it. It's just that, dude, you didn't pay anything for.

[Bill Burr]

You already had Netflix. You already had it. You didn't, like, shut it off. It's Netflix. There's 30,000 other fucking things. Oh, my God. If you watch that shit on Netflix, like, what did that do to your Q or whatever they call it? Did you just watch a bunch of fixed fights after that that all come up? Like, they just show you, like, a bunch of not, like, fixed fights, but just, like, bad decisions with a crowd, booze, and all of that shit. And then the trainers fight each other.

[Dennis Leary]

That's what I do love about boxing and the UFC and everything, is everybody knows how to fight. Like, the trainers, they all know how to fight. So at the end, it's not like an NBA fight. NBA fights are the worst because those guys are all, like, nine feet tall.

[Bill Burr]

Whoever. Who the fuck ever took a swing at them? They were all, like, 6ft tall by the time they were in fifth grade. Nobody ever fucked with you, so. And then they throw punches, man. It's like they can't fucking hit each other.

[Paul Virzi]

Shit is hilarious.

[Bill Burr]

There's a few that could fight, but generally speaking, nobody throws, like, a fucking jab followed by, like, an overhand right. They start with the overhand right. I always say, like, the NBA, average NBA guy, the way they throw a punch, it's like they're trying to throw somebody out from, like, the warning track. And then they just. You ever see, like, the people in the bars when they do that stupid ego thing, trying to punch that. That.

[Dennis Leary]

That just a stationary speed bag, basically, right? You just punch it, and then it measures how much of a man you are.

[Bill Burr]

The amount of fucking people that swing.

[Dennis Leary]

And miss and then fall on their ass. That's what an NBA fight looks like.

[Bill Burr]

All right. But then you watch anytime there's a bad decision, and this is the brilliance.

[Dennis Leary]

Of the octagon in the ufc, is.

[Bill Burr]

It'S very hard for.

[Dennis Leary]

For the fight camp on the other side, the losing fighter to get in there and fucking. Oh, do they walk in with them?

[Bill Burr]

I always feel like they just. The interview, the guy loses quick, and then Joe talks to the winner, whether.

[Dennis Leary]

They'Re standing or not.

[Bill Burr]

I never understood why Joe got shit for sitting down next to Conor McGregor. He's like. He was on the ground. Was he gonna stand over him? Fucking hanging the mic down like his dick.

[Dennis Leary]

He had to get down.

[Bill Burr]

He did what he had to do. He did what he had to do under, like, unlike those cunts on Fox News and cnn, you don't see them crouching down to fucking talk to them about why they shouldn't have refinanced their house.

[Dennis Leary]

Anyway, I don't. What else do I got? I don't have any ad reads. You know, you do a podcast like this, you know, the ad reads are few and far fucking between. So I did real good in the holidays. I stayed away from the sweets. I don't with. I don't even like it anymore. It's great once you get off sugar for like anywhere from four to 10 days, it doesn't even taste right anymore. And then other that used to seem bland is amazing. Like, I remember the first time I like had like a raw avocado. I was like, am I eating like wallpaper? Like, what, what, what is this? This is disgusting now. I love it. You know, I used to have to have all this salt in it. Fucking lime, the whole guac thing. I had to have that or whatever I was doing. I had to like, you know, kind of zhuzh it up right now I can just eat it. I eat it fucking straight. It's delicious. But you can't eat an avocado because there's always some fucking cunt. They're going, you know, it's a lot.

[Bill Burr]

Of fucking, it's a lot of fat. Then somebody else goes, oh, it's actually a good kind of fat.

[Paul Virzi]

Kind of like salmon.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, salmon. You mean the ones that they grow and then fucking hollowed out suitcases, whatever the hell they're doing. They got cloudy eyes. That's why they chop the heads off over here.

[Dennis Leary]

They don't want you. Don't want you to.

[Bill Burr]

They don't want you to see what.

[Dennis Leary]

The health of the fish before you ate it. Oh, Jesus, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus. You got a minute and a half to go and you're coming like this.

[Jake the Snake]

I gotta come home for this.

[Bill Burr]

What movie? Good Fellas. Ray Liotta, rest his soul, talking to Karen.

[Dennis Leary]

The original Karen, I like to say, you know, she was a Karen. She knew what she was. We fucking pistol whipped the guy across the street. You didn't think he was going to have hooves? You didn't think he was going to be out banging Janet Rossi.

[Bill Burr]

What did you think you were fucking signing up for? You thought you were going to be different? You saw them mob girls, they all looked, you know, they were wearing secondhand stuff. They all look like they'd been shook.

[Dennis Leary]

Anyway. All right, that's the podcast, people. I tried to bring the holiday vibe. I started off. I started off with the holiday vibe.

[Bill Burr]

And, you know, it went. It went south. It went south quick.

[Dennis Leary]

It went mid. Mid January really quickly. You know, shout out to everybody in the Midwest, the real Midwest, not Chicago. There's plenty to do there. I mean, when you get out in the weeds, you get out there in Nebraska and Kansas and Iowa, the Dakotas, Wyoming, which I know is the mountain, but whatever mountain time. You owe it to yourself to fucking go out there at some point, see what those people have to live in. During the wintertime, when the crops are all cut down and that barren earth meets that gray sky, you feel like you're walking on the surface of the fucking moon. I've said this a million times. I never understood how a band like Slipknot came from Iowa. I didn't understand where the anger came from. I didn't understand it. I liked it. But I like. Those guys are from Iowa. And then I did some college gigs in Iowa in, like, February, and I was like, oh, okay, I get it now. I get it. As per usual, I had an idea of a place, and then I went there and I was like, ah. Turns out my idea was. Was a hundred percent wrong. All right, that is the podcast, everybody. I hope you had a nice Christmas. Hanukkah, I think, starts tonight or whatever. Happy Hanukkah to you. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy. If you don't celebrate anything, I hope you had a good one, hope you.

[Bill Burr]

Got some time off. And once again, shout out to those Amazon drivers. We should not be under the thumb.

[Dennis Leary]

Of people with fucking dyed hair plugs and feet pajamas. I don't think that's too much to ask. I don't mind if you run shit.

[Bill Burr]

But, you know, break a little something off for the people working for you. Is it.

[Dennis Leary]

Is that how business is done? Does that make you sleep warm at night knowing that your workers go home crying, trying to figure out how they're gonna pay their bills, exhausted, missing their kids, growing up just so you can have a bigger infinity pool, you fucking cunt. You don't have to take the infinity pool literally. It doesn't have to keep going, you know, once you have half the size of a fucking pool and, you know.

[Bill Burr]

Pay somebody to drive your shit that.

[Dennis Leary]

Nobody needs across the goddamn country.

[Bill Burr]

All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

[Dennis Leary]

Enjoy the music. Picked out by the amazing, incredibly talented.

[Bill Burr]

Andrew Themless, who, by the way, shot.

[Dennis Leary]

A stand up special that made it.

[Bill Burr]

To the Cannes Film Festival in France. Enjoy his music. And then after that, we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend. You can't enjoy the football.

[Dennis Leary]

And I'll talk to you on Monday.

[Jake the Snake]

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show with your host, Paul Bersey. Bill Burr, Greek freak Andrew Thinless out there in Beverly Hills. Well, he's probably home for the holidays. And of course, we got Jake the Snake with the injury report. We got a show, Bill. We got. I mean, we got a show. You know what I mean?

[Paul Virzi]

We're a mess this week.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, you know what?

[Paul Virzi]

You look like you just got called. You just had a flat and called AAA and you forgot you win a jacket standing outside your car. I'm in my PJs. We're a mess.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, dude, I've been puking and for three days.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, that's good. You're dropping weight. Yeah, that's a Hollywood question.

[Jake the Snake]

No, no, it's.

[Paul Virzi]

You know what?

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, nothing like a little any other.

[Paul Virzi]

Place in the world. They're like, oh, man, that's terrible. I hope you feel better. It's like, oh, yeah. Is your stomach flattening out?

[Jake the Snake]

Nothing better than a little stomach bug to fit in that sweatshirt.

[Paul Virzi]

Okay, I got an acting gig coming up. Paul, can you just kind of breathe in this room? And I'll take a big inhale so I can fit into costume.

[Jake the Snake]

We are ready to get into Week 17, everybody. There's only two more regular season weeks of the NFL season, which is nuts. But before we do, we have to shout out our incredible sponsor. It is the BETMGM Sportsbook, everybody. BetMGM is offering 1500 in free bets to get the season going. How to get this four easy steps. You download the BetMGM app and you use our code. That's Burr. B U R R. Couldn't be easier. You sign up, you deposit at least $10 into your sports. Your BETMGM Sportsbook account. You place a wager and receive up to 1500 back in bonus bets if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled. Also, first touchdown. You simply place a prop bet of the player you think in any NFL game is going to get the first touchdown. If they don't, but they get the second touchdown, you will get your stack back in cash. There you go. Bill Burr goes. Here's Bill Burr's last three weeks, everybody. Three and one, two and two and four and oh, making him nine and three in the last. Oh, he's coming in the fourth quarter.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude, I gotta go four and oh, the last two. I gotta go four zero three weekends in a row.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, if you go four zero three weekends in a row, that's a trophy. Never been done.

[Paul Virzi]

And I would still be 500. Yeah, Paul, I just. With the kids and writing the script, dude, I, I've watched a disgustingly small amount of football and what I've been since I, I started turning it around, I just bet on that I don't think is going to happen. I swear to God, I just been betting stupid. The Patriots versus the Bills. Pat said that game one, if they didn't, they didn't have that little flub there in the end. Dude, we got a qb. We got somebody to build around. I'm getting excited.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. Drake May.

[Bill Burr]

Drake May.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. I haven't worn my Patriots jack at all, all. All season. I'm about to take it out of the. I. Dude, I haven't watched one second of. All I've seen is the highlights. I don't have the package, Paul. All I'm getting the Chargers and the Rams out here.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, I feel like the Patriots, even games they lost, they just fight. They're a good team. They're a good young team that's like getting better.

[Paul Virzi]

Second half, second half the season, the first half was looking like a disaster. I mean, I was just betting against them and they, they were, they, they, they were losing every week, you know, and they weren't covering the spread either. And the spreads were getting disgusting. They were getting up 7, 8, 9, and they still weren't covering, but they kind of like put something together. And that kid Drake made. Now, granted, I'm just watching highlights. He looks like a gamer, man. And, and it seems like the team's rallying around him. They like him. I might, dude, I can handle a little, you know, nine and eight, little ten and seven creep back up to where we were.

[Jake the Snake]

No, but how's the Patriots defense? Like, is it D good?

[Paul Virzi]

Paul, I, I have not watched a second this season. I, I've just been.

[Bill Burr]

I was.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude, I was in a writer's room. I had no windows, Paul. The walls were closing in. It's crazy.

[Jake the Snake]

You know what? You know, borderline.

[Paul Virzi]

Not an American at this point, how little football I watched this year.

[Jake the Snake]

You know what, though? They could have said when you, when you weren't winning weeks, they could have been like the game passed them by. But no, you know what? You did. You pulled up. You pulled the. You reinvented yourself.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm betting like a housewife over here, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Give this guy an offensive tackle, he starts making it rain out there.

[Paul Virzi]

I just needed to change the scenery. That's it. All of a sudden, I can play football. I can bet on football again.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, collectively, our show has gone like 12 and 4 in the. Our show is doing well. Somebody sent me something and they go, dude, my kid had a better Christmas because of your picks. I said, hey, all right, don't go crazy.

[Paul Virzi]

Hey, as we always said, bet responsibly. Don't. Don't have a podcast determining whether your kids have a good Christmas or not. Christmas, buddy.

[Bill Burr]

I'm doing a podcast.

[Paul Virzi]

I'll be done in a minute.

[Jake the Snake]

He hands his kid a basketball. He was like, hey, it would have been better if first he didn't pick the Jaguars. Okay. All right, Jake the Snake, come in here with an injury report, dude. Second to last week of the Sea.

[Paul Virzi]

It always gets sad. Hey, before we do that, Paul, can we. Can we show our records for the. For the. For the year? Dude, we're doing all right on this show. I mean, I'm, I'm. I'm the dead weight.

[Jake the Snake]

No, we're doing all right.

[Paul Virzi]

Let's get.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, well, let's get. Andrew Semless is killing it. For the third straight year, Jake the Snake dug himself out of a hole.

[Andrew Themless]

Yep.

[Paul Virzi]

All right. I'm the guy who's. Who's going to be. Get traded for a player to be named later at 28 and 36. Paul Versi on his way. He needs. Paul Versi needs one victory. No, it's two weeks. That's all you need is one victory, right?

[Jake the Snake]

No, I'm 12 over.

[Unknown Speaker]

Well, if you go.

[Jake the Snake]

If I go 08, I'm still 4.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, that's it.

[Bill Burr]

No, he did it again.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

Yes, he did.

[Paul Virzi]

He did it again. Four years. Jordan didn't win four in a row, granted. You know, you had to take a little sabbatical because of some off court, a little activities there.

[Jake the Snake]

I just like to thank my. My team.

[Paul Virzi]

Paul Versi, four years in a row. I think this is. Andrew, this is your third year in a row doing it, right?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, Third year. Third year. Keep it.

[Paul Virzi]

All right, let me see. Go, go back. Go back down the final.

[Bill Burr]

Anybody?

[Unknown Speaker]

This was last year. That was Bill. 31. 34. 4 and 4 all. 37, 26 and 3. And then I had that fluke. 44, 20 and 5.

[Andrew Themless]

It's not a fluke. You have the same record again.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Look at Jake the Snake. Jake the Snake can do it. He's got two weeks to do it.

[Paul Virzi]

He's getting the wild card, Paul. He's sneaking in the last weekend.

[Andrew Themless]

Exactly. It'll be a close race.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. I apologize, guys. If I was watching football, I feel like I could. I could be 500. Bet MGM's got to be afraid of this podcast, man. If you know anything, don't listen to me. Listen to these other three guys. All right?

[Jake the Snake]

I'm excited about your last week, though.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm just a decoy, Paul. I make. I make it look like how BetMGM thinks it's gonna go, and then you guys come up. All right. Pick up where we left off. I was saying. Yeah, I'm bat Nathan. The order. Whatever. Whatever we're gonna do here.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, dude, you're nine and three the last three weeks. I look at the positive, we don't look back.

[Paul Virzi]

So what you're doing right now. Well, I don't want to be like Jerome Bettis and be shut down for three quarters and then run 11 yards and start stomping around the stadium. No disrespect to the bus, although, you know, in defense of him, he had to wear down the defensive line the first three quarters, and then he could break free. Maybe that's what's going on.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, by the way, can we talk about this on the show? Some people aren't going to like me saying this. The college playoff has been a fucking absolute disaster.

[Paul Virzi]

That's such a poor take. Paul.

[Bill Burr]

Come on.

[Jake the Snake]

It's terrible.

[Paul Virzi]

Paul, give him a fucking break, okay? What is Thursday Night Football? Is that good?

[Jake the Snake]

No, no.

[Paul Virzi]

Kansas City Chiefs football. Is that good?

[Andrew Themless]

No.

[Paul Virzi]

They had a bad weekend. Paul, I'm gonna tell you right now, this isn't like the WNBA where it's just gonna suck forever, all right? This is college football. They're going to get it right, all right? And that fucking Lane Kiffin bitch, moaning and complaining. It's like, dude, you had three losses.

[Jake the Snake]

What did Lane Kiffin say?

[Paul Virzi]

He's like, oh, wow, this is so exciting. He's literally biting the hand that feeds Lane Kiffin, the guy who went to Tennessee, the Volunteers and said he was going to take him to the promised land. He meets one whore at a Waffle House, the next thing you know, he's going to USC to fall on his face out there in the palm trees.

[Andrew Themless]

He was terrible at usc.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

And then he scurries back underneath Nick Saban at Alabama, rides his coattails For a few years. Now all of a sudden he's in Mississippi, and now he's feeling smart because no one can read in that state. And all of a sudden he's tweeting out there. No, I'm kidding. I like. I like Mississippi. I'm not gonna say I love it. It's a little hot.

[Jake the Snake]

I was so excited to watch those games, and I was like, like, I'm rooting for. I'm like, dude, get a score, get a score. Make it close, make it close. Do something, do something. But maybe this week will be better.

[Paul Virzi]

It's going to be amazing this week.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

And I'm gonna tell you right, when I State plays Oregon, that's gonna be a game.

[Jake the Snake]

That's gonna be a game. But I think I like Oregon.

[Paul Virzi]

You. I'm too biased. I just love seeing Buckeye fans sad because they're always whining about something. I do like that their coach is starting to win again. You see, Dave Portnoy had the plane saying to extend that guy's contract. The head coach of Iowa State. I think this weekend college football is going to be fantastic. And I think the playoff is amazing. The only thing, you know that is bad about it was I saw this CEO come on and saying how it was going to open up the opportunity for these college football teams to be up for sale. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's just like, do you have to own everything? Can you just leave something alone? There should be a rule. You can't buy. Like, Dave Portnoy should be able to invest in the, you know, Wolverines because, you know, he's gonna do the right thing.

[Jake the Snake]

By the way, I gotta shout out Dave Portnoy for what he did. I'm sure you guys all saw it. That pizza review thing he did in Baltimore, man, when the guy was like, christmas is our last day. And he was like, why? I heard the pizza's good. And he's like, nah, we can't. We can't get our liquor license. We can't afford it. So Portnoy goes outside, he does the pizza review. He likes the pizza. He says it's good. And then he asked the guy, what's it going to take for you to stay open at least another year? And the guy's like, whoa. I mean, I don't know. I don't. I can't answer. He goes, well, you got a rich guy in front of you and you don't want him to walk away, so.

[Bill Burr]

What'S it going to take?

[Jake the Snake]

And he goes, I guess I. I Mean, I guess we could get our liquor license to stay open a year with, like, 60 grand. And he goes, done. And he shook his hand. And then after he did that, there's a line around the block for the place, and he saved the business. Dude, Dave Portnoy, man. I got to be honest.

[Paul Virzi]

No guy.

[Jake the Snake]

Good guy, man.

[Paul Virzi]

No, here's the thing, dude. That's what we should be doing for each other. We're all sitting around, myself included, bitching about politicians and everything. We all have the ability to help each other out and just go to each other's businesses. Fuck these box stores and all of this. You know, as much as you can. I mean, they got a pretty good foothold in the. In the towns and everything, but there's no reason why you can't do stuff like that. He's a man of the people. He is. Shout out to Dave Portnoy.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, shout out to Dave Porter. He started something from nothing, and he's crushing it. Good for him.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

One of these. Helping out, he. And what about all the. All the stuff he did during the pandemic, helping all of those Thousands of businesses. Yeah, and then those tried to cancel him like, two or three times, but they were with the wrong guy.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, I love that. I love that he doesn't give up.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, and he called up that lady at the newspaper. Oh, the guy you're writing the article on. And then you listen to her, like, stammering.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, she was backtracking, like, oh, that was the best.

[Paul Virzi]

And that's the thing, too. If you listen to her, she just sounded like. I mean, I'm not saying she's not smart, but I'm just saying to listen to her, like, you know, you read a newspaper, you think somebody on the other end gonna sound a little, you know, a little more eloquent than you do. No, she didn't. I was like, you write for a newspaper?

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, he had her dead to rights. And, dude, barstool is great. He's got great shows on barstool. But you know what he doesn't have? Oh, he doesn't have handy. He doesn't have handicappers like a B. Oh, I know.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I don't know.

[Paul Virzi]

I don't know. I don't know what their records are.

[Jake the Snake]

Over there, but not for sale. All right, Jake the Snake. Tell us the injury reports going into week 17. What are we looking at? Who's out?

[Andrew Themless]

Looking at a relatively healthy week, but the. The big one is Jalen Hurts has still not been cleared. He had a concussion last Week against.

[Jake the Snake]

Washington and the Eagles arresting everybody anyway because the Eagles aren't. Don't have anything to play for.

[Andrew Themless]

That's not true. Because if they don't win this game, the Commanders could still win the division. But I think if they win it, they clinch. So they. They need to win one more game, basically.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, they got one more. Okay.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, yeah, so.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, no, that's right. When they play the Giants next week, they don't have anything to play for if they. Okay, got it.

[Andrew Themless]

If they beat the Cowboys, which. The Cowboys, you know, they. They burned me bad last week against the Bucks, so I don't think they're an easy out anymore.

[Jake the Snake]

The Washington Commanders. The Washington Commanders are starting to creep to the door.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, I love watching Jane Daniels.

[Jake the Snake]

They're not knocking on it yet, but they're at the welcome match.

[Paul Virzi]

You know what they're doing? They're, they're, they're lurking.

[Jake the Snake]

Yes.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Suspicious. They're sort of pacing in the street, waiting to come up the walk.

[Jake the Snake]

They're not in the club, but they're going like this past the red rope, asking what's going on in there.

[Dennis Leary]

No, no, no.

[Paul Virzi]

My friend. My friend's already inside. My friend.

[Jake the Snake]

It's not last call.

[Unknown Speaker]

My girlfriend's in there. A lot of people's girlfriend.

[Paul Virzi]

My girlfriend's in there.

[Jake the Snake]

I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

[Paul Virzi]

I just need to take a piss. I just need to take. I don't want to do it on the side of your establishment. You know, you get all eloquent when you're drunk.

[Jake the Snake]

I would never disrespect.

[Paul Virzi]

You start. You start using that mental law degree that you have on the premises of this establishment. I don't want to desecrate it.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, by the way, dude, what's his name? Horrible what happened to Tank Dell, dude. Wide receiver, rookie wide receiver, second year wide receiver with the Texans. And it was friendly fire. His own teammate shredded his knee. Dude, it was bad.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, he.

[Jake the Snake]

He caught a touchdown in the end zone and defender was low by his legs and then his guy came in and his knee was just. Just got. And, dude, you know when it's bad is when the teammates start crying and kneeling, like, immediately. Dude, it was like. It was, man. And that kind of did the Texans in because they don't have Stefan Diggs now and they don't have him. And they had a really good, good season. But I think that's going to be too much to overcome, so. Never want to see that man. Wish that guy nothing but the best. I love that guy. Small slap back. Terrible.

[Unknown Speaker]

And then some reporter and some reporter gives C.J. stroud for crying. And the. The press conference.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, they. Like, really?

[Unknown Speaker]

Let's see what you've cried about in your time.

[Jake the Snake]

You know, dude, he cried instantly because that was his go to. He saw it, and he just got on his knee and started crying.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah. I mean, they said dislocated knee, torn acl, mcl, lcl. So, yeah, that's like a year and a half.

[Jake the Snake]

If. Jake, if you fell off your chair right now and you went down for the rest of the season, we're crying on the show.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, 100%. And the overall victories go down.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

By the way, I'm gonna say Andrew Themlis is the Josh Allen of this podcast where he's killing it in the Mountain west region and the scouts aren't on, and he goes up to the pros and he dominates.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, he played Wyoming.

[Paul Virzi]

The snake is the west coast kid. He's out there in San Diego slinging it. Everybody sees that game. East coast, games, a little Midwest, and then they skip the mountain, and then they go right to the West Coast. And that's your Saturday out there in Wyoming. Throwing it all over the yard.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. Crazy.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm flailing in the acc.

[Jake the Snake]

Who goes first this week?

[Unknown Speaker]

I think.

[Paul Virzi]

I think it's an even week.

[Jake the Snake]

It's an odd week.

[Paul Virzi]

Sorry. I think Bill.

[Jake the Snake]

So it was. Yeah, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

Odd looking.

[Paul Virzi]

I think.

[Dennis Leary]

You go first, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

All right, Paul.

[Paul Virzi]

You know what I like this time of year? Oh, you know what I like? I like points because I feel that teams cover in the first couple of quarters, and then they're like, all right, we gotta rest this guy. We don't want to have any injuries. So. The Panthers have been inexplicably scoring points lately. I don't know why. I love Baker Mayfield. I love that guy because I know every success he has, Colin Cowherd has to be, oh, man, I'm gonna have to say I was wrong, which I've never seen him do. That's what I'm rooting for. But I gotta take. I gotta take the Panthers. Get Nate. You know, they're in the same division, Paul. They play each other two times a year. They know it's all about the points. I feel like Baker Mayfield's gonna get him up, and at some point they're gonna take him out of the game, although they're gonna have to fucking pull him off the field like a. Like a pit bull. Fucking clamp it down On a mailman's leg, though. I don't think he's gonna want to come out.

[Jake the Snake]

Panthers won two. Panthers are starting to play better. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Hey, you know, this is what Paul, here's the classic cliche. I don't know what's in the water down there. North Carolina taking the Panthers getting eight. Only because they're getting eight. That's it, Paul. I'm done trying to name players.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, well, here's my lock of.

[Paul Virzi]

The week's gonna do great this week in Caroline.

[Jake the Snake]

Holy. I haven't.

[Paul Virzi]

He was a gamer, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

Good dude.

[Paul Virzi]

He was good. He was not scared at the Super Bowl. He was having fun.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm gonna ride out the team that is. Is playing for their lives and playing better. I'm gonna take Joey B. And the Cincinnati Bengals minus three and a half.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, you've been riding the Bengals, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

I just think that they came on late and they still have a chance. They're in the hunt, as they say. And they're home. And the Broncos have not. Every time you think the Broncos are going to turn that corner with Bo Nix, it's just not happening. It's just not happening.

[Paul Virzi]

Paul, is there anything you like better than a team playing for its playoff.

[Jake the Snake]

Life as a favorite? No. Hey.

[Paul Virzi]

All right. I'm going with the New England Patriots at home this bread. They're going to win this game. Oh, they're going to win this game plus four and a half. And I'm gonna find a bar somewhere to watch this goddamn game because I. I can't go a whole season not see a game. I have to see this game by orca. By crook. I gotta figure it out.

[Unknown Speaker]

That might be televised.

[Paul Virzi]

Bill. That's actually. Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And it's a Saturday game.

[Paul Virzi]

That's on tomorrow. That's a Saturday game.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. The first three are Saturday games.

[Paul Virzi]

How do they say it where we come from? There's no. There's no constant say. Andrew, why don't you come over on Saturday?

[Unknown Speaker]

That'll be on at 10am Bill, it's.

[Paul Virzi]

Either say or Saturday.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, I like the Chargers in that game, but I don't know. Hold on here.

[Unknown Speaker]

Well, Jake, didn't you say that they gotta. They need that right to clinch.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, holidays. You really gonna go head to head with me?

[Jake the Snake]

Make it fun, huh?

[Paul Virzi]

Hey, Paul. Paul, you're playing with house money.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, who am I?

[Paul Virzi]

I'll tell you this, Paul. Next time we do a gig in Vegas, those BET MGM guys ought to come out and genuflect. Or at the very Least offer you a job at the MGM handicapping games. We got to get this kid on our side.

[Jake the Snake]

Just, just give me like a hundred thousand dollar marker. Let me go have fun.

[Paul Virzi]

They try and distract him.

[Unknown Speaker]

They bring him over to a slot machine with his face on it. They're like, no, no, no, come over here, come over.

[Jake the Snake]

By the way, how underrated is the scene in casino when the Asian billionaire comes off the plane and they acted like they grounded the plane because something was wrong with the plane. And Don Rickles goes, hey, you know better down here than, you know up there.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. But he goes then with his head up there. The best.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't know. I'm gonna think about the Chargers thing because I did like the Chargers, but the Patriots are scaring me right now. All right, let's do. Is Michael Penix Jr. And the Falcons. He looked really, really good. But I'm going to take The Washington commanders -4 at home because they look really good and they're also playing for the division still. It means a lot. So I'm going to take that minus four at home. Oh, I got two home favorites.

[Paul Virzi]

I know you do. All right, I'm gonna take the Eagles at home. Laying seven against the Cowboys.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, that's a great.

[Paul Virzi]

Because I think Nick. Nick Soriani is an emotional wreck and he's going to need to destroy this team in order to sleep at night. I just feel like he's. He said he's just had a bipolar trip, I don't know, since the ending of last season. And I think that it's not going to just be enough to beat this team. I think they need to beat the fuck out of them and they need to get some momentum going into. I know that they're winning and that type of stuff, but I just think that they. They're gonna. He doesn't want to slow it down. I think the ending of last season is haunting him. And I think he puts his head on the pillow at night and he has one of those knitted caps with the pom pom on top of it and he pulls it down over his face and his wife's going, nikki, Nicki, it's gonna be okay. Going to be okay. No, I know. No, I know. Well, let me see your eyes.

[Bill Burr]

I can't see your eyes.

[Paul Virzi]

No, I just, you know what's going on under there? Nikki.

[Bill Burr]

You know, just.

[Paul Virzi]

Just thinking about stuff.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude.

[Paul Virzi]

What?

[Jake the Snake]

What, Bill? Imagine Nick Sirianni and Rex Ryan on the same coaching staff. That'd be.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude, I love those guys. Because how do you not see yourself in them? They're emotional, Rex. They win. They're like, ah. They lose. They got their head in oven. Who doesn't relate to that emotional torture? That's why we all drink. That's why people eat gummies. That's why people watch sports.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. They really are like two guys that were fans at a tailgate that just got handed a headset.

[Paul Virzi]

Kick their ass.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

I can't tell if they will not hugged or hugged too much. Something happened that they're. They're equilibriums of me. I was like, I came from the, you know, take care of it yourself generation. I think Rex probably not hugged because.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, Buddy rhymes out there coaching and.

[Paul Virzi]

All of that, but I think Nick Soriani might have been a little coddle.

[Jake the Snake]

I also think.

[Paul Virzi]

Anymore.

[Jake the Snake]

I think that if you're. If your dad was a. Like a tough coach in the NFL, there's kind of a chip on your shoulder because probably people were like, oh, the kid's not gonna be like, buddy, you know, I don't know.

[Paul Virzi]

Unless. Unless his dad was like Pesci and casino and he came home and he always made him pancakes.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Maybe that's why he had the weight issues, because that was his only connection with his dad was breakfast. And I feel like if I make a big breakfast, my dad's gonna come through the door. All right, let's keep going here. All right.

[Jake the Snake]

So what did I. I just took the commanders.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, you got two more.

[Jake the Snake]

Wait, do I go now?

[Unknown Speaker]

No, Bill just took the Eagles.

[Paul Virzi]

I just took the Eagles.

[Jake the Snake]

Okay. I mean, dude, Nikki, nuts. At some point, I gotta take it.

[Andrew Themless]

Starting probably.

[Paul Virzi]

You like that one, Paul? What's that?

[Jake the Snake]

Nicki.

[Paul Virzi]

He's got the balls to go for it, but he's also crazy. Works both ways. I. I like to think.

[Jake the Snake]

Are the 49ers eliminated?

[Andrew Themless]

They are.

[Jake the Snake]

By the way, it's another.

[Paul Virzi]

Why does that stadium look like Paragon Park? To me? This looks like an old roller coaster.

[Andrew Themless]

What was wrong with Candlestick? I mean, I guess it was old, but, you know.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, that's what's wrong with it is these billionaires see another. You know, somebody else has a new stadium, they gotta have one. Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm charmed at Levi's Stadium is what.

[Jake the Snake]

What? Is the Arizona Cardinals eliminated?

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, they are.

[Paul Virzi]

Questions? Pick a team over here.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm just taking too many points.

[Andrew Themless]

The Lions have a lot to play for if you're thinking about that game.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm gonna take the Chargers. Go head to Head with Bill.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

Go Chargers.

[Paul Virzi]

The old me would have taken that personally, but I don't.

[Jake the Snake]

No, I liked it from the gate.

[Paul Virzi]

And you said what you said. You said what you said.

[Jake the Snake]

I liked it, but I don't like that. I have all favorites. This is like old me.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

All right. This is the stupidest thing I'm ever gonna say. I'm gonna take the Jets. Getting nine going into Buffalo. Even though Buffalo's coming off that scary game against the Patriots, I just still think these teams, they're gonna kick the. Out of them. Then they're gonna sit there, started down, and then here comes the old man. Understand? I see in his breath.

[Jake the Snake]

Blue 54.

[Paul Virzi]

Right. I might regret that one. The initial jets take the Jets.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, I'm gonna do something stupid and something I haven't done in a long time.

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh, taking the Giants.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm gonna take the Giants. Getting seven and a half. I don't think they're gonna win the game. I don't think they're gonna win the game, but I. Because I do think that in some way they are kind of phoning it in to get that pick, but I think that they're gonna be. They're gonna play and probably lose by a touchdown. So I like the half a point.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, you guys are well on your way to the pick. They said the first time in Giants history, as painful as this stat is, it's really impressive. You guys lost 10 games in a row. You've never done that. And.

[Jake the Snake]

And it's our hundredth season and we haven't won a game at home.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, the fact that it took a century for that to happen, I felt like that happened to the Patriots a whole bunch when I was a kid.

[Unknown Speaker]

Paul. Paul, your Giants pick here is in direct correlation to you having already beat the book. Just a little bit, right? Just a little bit.

[Jake the Snake]

A little bit.

[Unknown Speaker]

Little bit.

[Paul Virzi]

Let me ask you this, Paul.

[Bill Burr]

What.

[Paul Virzi]

What are you gu. Are you guys gonna draft another quarterback? And do you still go Ivy League? And if you do.

[Jake the Snake]

No.

[Paul Virzi]

Are we going Cornell this time?

[Jake the Snake]

No, we are going Cam Ward at my University of Miami or Dion's son, Shador Sanders in Colorado.

[Andrew Themless]

Guy.

[Paul Virzi]

Hey, what didn't. What was it?

[Unknown Speaker]

What was. Jake, you might as wasn't. Didn't one team say that they were gonna. Or is it.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, no.

[Unknown Speaker]

Is that if the Eagles. If the Eagles.

[Paul Virzi]

And.

[Unknown Speaker]

Which. This doesn't make sense now, I guess, because that affects their placement. But if they threw the game, they could do it so that it would remove the Giants from getting the first pick. Did I hear that or read that correctly?

[Jake the Snake]

If the Eagles win this week, they're going to rest everybody against the Giants, and basically they're saying, let the Giants win. So the Giants don't get the first pick and they drop to, like, the eighth pick, which is such a move.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah. It's almost like, I think you'll be all right.

[Jake the Snake]

Karma.

[Paul Virzi]

Him. You know something? A lot of times, you know those. Those first couple guys don't work out. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dennis Leary]

A lot of times.

[Paul Virzi]

It was a lot of times because they're going to a team that has no offensive line and they've just run for their lives like RG3.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Who knows what that guy could have done, really? He had more heart than offensive line. That's what did him.

[Unknown Speaker]

And Jake, I just want to say.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm.

[Unknown Speaker]

Phil, I'm going to take the Patriots with you this week.

[Paul Virzi]

I just want to throw.

[Andrew Themless]

Let's go.

[Unknown Speaker]

And Jake's taking the charge.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, my God. We got a civil war going on here.

[Bill Burr]

This is a first.

[Jake the Snake]

I love it.

[Andrew Themless]

You can put me down for the Bengals, too, by the way, while you're.

[Unknown Speaker]

Attaboy, Jake.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, Jake is dialed in. He just. He just rattled off too quick. Hey, you know what, Paul? I had the.

[Andrew Themless]

I had the Chiefs, but I forgot to text him.

[Unknown Speaker]

I'm taking the Colts. I'm in the championship for my fantasy league this year. I'm in the championship game this week. So I had Lamar, he had moms. Nobody wants to hear about fantasy. But I got the Colts defense, and I picked them because I think they're going to demolish the Giants. So I'm doubling down.

[Jake the Snake]

So anyways, dude, Lamar Jackson is. What was he, 13 yards away from Mike Vick? Lamar Jackson, like, Lamar Jackson does what Mike Vick does and throws. Stays in the pocket and throws darts, dude.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, he's unbelievable.

[Jake the Snake]

He's the most exciting NFL player in the league. I think him and Josh Allen out.

[Paul Virzi]

Of the loop of my. Who the hell's Lamar Jackson?

[Unknown Speaker]

The Ravens quarterback.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, the Ravens quarterback. All right. I don't look at them every week. I forget their names. Jalen Hurts, Lamar Jackson. Joe Theismans down there in Washington, right?

[Unknown Speaker]

Ron Jaworski. Hey, Jake, you got any others?

[Paul Virzi]

I know I can still name Bartnik. We can still name the starting quarterbacks in 1978, throughout the whole league.

[Jake the Snake]

Bill Cowers, crushing it with the Steelers.

[Paul Virzi]

Still, when I first started watching football, the quarterbacks in my division were Bert Jones with the Colts, Bob Greasy Steve with the Dolphins. Steve Grogan, Joe Ferguson and Richard Todd.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, Bert Jones is the fucking. That name is unbelievable.

[Paul Virzi]

Bert Jones was great and I swear to God there's, I. There's no way you convinced me that he wasn't related to Bob Avellini, the quarterback for the, the Bears when they first got Walter Payton, they had Virgil Livers. And all of those guys pre Mike Singletary, I want to say.

[Jake the Snake]

Have you ever known a Virgil?

[Paul Virzi]

No, but like black guys have always had cool names. Those are now old school black guy names. Virgil. Haywood.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, Virgil is unbelievable. Virgil Gray.

[Paul Virzi]

Are they great names?

[Jake the Snake]

That's great. All right, so. So, dude, we got a lot of head to heads this week, everybody.

[Paul Virzi]

Haywood.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, Haywoods. Haywood Jones. Haywood Johnson. Dude, that's like.

[Paul Virzi]

They were great names.

[Andrew Themless]

Those aren't great names.

[Dennis Leary]

Yep.

[Paul Virzi]

Leon.

[Jake the Snake]

Wait a minute.

[Paul Virzi]

Back there were just the names that I had a lot of. Roberts.

[Jake the Snake]

What? Wait a minute. No, Virgils are white.

[Andrew Themless]

Bobby.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude, the names. The first names of the quarterbacks in my division were Bob, Bert, Steve and Richard. What are the names now? Drake.

[Jake the Snake]

Lamar.

[Paul Virzi]

No, no, in the AFC East.

[Andrew Themless]

And Josh.

[Paul Virzi]

Too much Drake. That's why I can't remember the names. Paul. Like these names, these names. Even the white guys have exotic names. Drake. I never met a Drake my entire life. I never met a white guy or anybody named Drake. Drake May.

[Jake the Snake]

Drake May, Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

I would have thought that was his whole last name, like Michael Drake. May. No, that's my name. Drake May. Okay. They must think old guys like me. What's your name? Bill.

[Jake the Snake]

Wait, what about the NFC North? You got Jamis Lamar.

[Paul Virzi]

Lamar is a great name. Even though I couldn't remember who he was.

[Jake the Snake]

Russell and Jordan.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, those names just. They might have been up. I knew a Jordan, but that was his last name.

[Jake the Snake]

Wait a minute.

[Paul Virzi]

First name was Rob.

[Jake the Snake]

Wait a minute. A white guy can't be named Virgil?

[Paul Virzi]

I've only met. I've only seen one Virgil my whole life and that was Virgil Livers.

[Jake the Snake]

There's a wrestler Virgil, I believe, rest his soul.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

What did you say? Wyatt Earp's brother?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, Virgil. I mean in the movie it was.

[Paul Virzi]

Here's another old school black guy named Floyd. Floyd Little. That's a great name. That's a name you gotta bring back.

[Jake the Snake]

Floyd's great.

[Paul Virzi]

Floyd. You gotta name a baby that has that old soul Vi vibe coming in the room.

[Andrew Themless]

Everyone probably thinks Floyd Mayweather now, though.

[Paul Virzi]

Lydell. That was a good name.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's nice.

[Paul Virzi]

Clyde. Clyde was a great one.

[Dennis Leary]

Great one.

[Paul Virzi]

Then Old school, like listen, like the old basketball Larry Bob McAdoo.

[Dennis Leary]

Heaven.

[Paul Virzi]

The only cool, like really a Julius. How cool is that? Julius Irving. That was a great name. And then you got into the 80s, those players and you had the new ones that had a little bit of more flair, like Dominique, Dominique Wilson Wilkins. That was a great name.

[Jake the Snake]

Dominique Wilkins is maybe, that's a, that's maybe the best.

[Paul Virzi]

The human highlight film.

[Jake the Snake]

Dominique Wilkins might be the best basketball name of all time.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, by the way, we got to do a shout out here. Rest his soul to the great us greatest lead off baseball hitter ever.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh my God.

[Paul Virzi]

Ricky Henderson.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm. Put my hood down for that one, dude.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, first time I saw him, he was playing for your Yankees in the mid-80s after he had gone, he went with the A's and broke the stolen base record. And dude, I remember he got on first base. I came up was a single or a walk. And that was the years where you, it was like you walked the guy, you gave him a triple and like, dude, the place was electric. Nobody was looking at the picture. Everybody was watching him. And he had that little side to side thing that he was doing. Even his side to side motion seemed like like the fastest thing you saw. It was almost like, you know when Tyson used to, when, when you would walk in, slip your punches and then give you the double hooks in the overhand right. He was, he was fucking electric. When he was on the base paths, you just, it was, you almost like rooted for him to get on because you wanted to experience it.

[Jake the Snake]

I tweeted after he passed away, I said Rickey Henderson was truly the first exciting athlete I ever saw. It was 1985, 1986, 1987, whatever it was with the Yankees. And me and my brother would just laugh every time he stole. We'd look at each other and laugh because everybody knew, like you said, when he got on it was not, he wasn't staying there. And yeah, I, I loved Ricky Henderson, dude. And you know, it's funny, when I went to Cooperstown, I didn't realize that when you go to Cooperstown, I thought, oh, getting in the hall of Fame, I, I, I thought it meant just being your name in there. When they say get in the hall of Fame, it means actually have the plaque and the, and the whole thing there. But when you walk through the wings of Cooperstown, the one thing that I remember was every time I would see a category, whether it was slugging percentage, stolen bases, hits, Pete Rose and Ricky Henderson were one through three, almost on every category through the hallways of.

[Paul Virzi]

Of.

[Jake the Snake]

Of the hall of Fame. Such an amazing player. Some argue the greatest.

[Paul Virzi]

Most leadoff. Most leadoff home runs of all time. Most stolen basis. Probably. Arguably other than Pete Rose. He's got to be too. To like games played, played appearances, you know, at bats. I forget one of those baseball analysis on ESPN was listing all of the things that he was number one in It. It. It's in incredible. Yeah, it's incredible. And dude, talk about gone way too young. Yeah, was 85. Yeah. He played three.

[Unknown Speaker]

He played three. 3,081 games. He's born in 58.

[Paul Virzi]

So he must. His birthday must be right here at the end of the year because he would have been 50. He would have been 66.

[Unknown Speaker]

He said, if my uniform doesn't get dirty, I haven't done anything in the baseball game.

[Paul Virzi]

Someone also brought up what a great defensive player he was too.

[Andrew Themless]

He's what's missing from today's game. You know, someone's personality like that.

[Jake the Snake]

What he did to the strike zone is nuts. He would get so low. Dude, he made the strike zone his own. He would be. If you watch how low he would get, he would bend his knees and he actually made it for. He made it for him.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Dude, that guy was just. Everything he did was fast. The way when he hit a home run, the way he would snap, snap and flip the bat was fast. Everything was just fast. He was all muscle and he wasn't like the 80s with the skinny legs. Dude, he was like. He looked like a running back.

[Bill Burr]

His.

[Jake the Snake]

His thighs were. He had thighs like. Andrew, let me. I know how many. Hold on. I'm gonna list. I'm gonna list mine and then everybody else could do it. But just tell me you have them all.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm looking at it.

[Unknown Speaker]

So I. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

All right.

[Jake the Snake]

So I'm gonna say obviously, Oakland, New York. He played for Boston. He played for the Angels. He played for.

[Paul Virzi]

Come on, you're missing a big one in there.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, there is.

[Jake the Snake]

Hold on. He played for the Padres.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, he might. He might have won a World Series at the place I'm thinking of.

[Jake the Snake]

He didn't play for the Dodgers, did he? He did play for the Dodgers.

[Unknown Speaker]

That was his last team that was very retired.

[Jake the Snake]

A missing one.

[Paul Virzi]

Yep. Oh, Canada.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, he played for The Blue Jays.

[Unknown Speaker]

93.

[Andrew Themless]

That was when they played the Phillies.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude.

[Jake the Snake]

That's nine teams right there.

[Andrew Themless]

I think you're missing the Mets too.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, he played for the Mets.

[Jake the Snake]

I don't want to see that.

[Paul Virzi]

Did he play for the Red Sox. Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Then when his baseball career was over in major leagues, he went to like, the Newark Bears. Oh, here we go. Oh, my God.

[Andrew Themless]

Damn, that's a lot of teams, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

He was on Oakland five times.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, five. I thought it was three one. That's Mariners. I can't even picture him in a Mariners jersey. Padres. Played for the Padres twice.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, my God, the Dodgers.

[Paul Virzi]

The Dodgers, like four or five times.

[Jake the Snake]

Wait, what was his first year?

[Paul Virzi]

Four or five times.

[Andrew Themless]

So he played like 20.

[Jake the Snake]

He played from 79 to 03.

[Andrew Themless]

That's insane, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

I was one years old when that guy started playing baseball. Yeah, God rest his soul, dude. 65, pneumonia. It's like.

[Andrew Themless]

Ah, it's awful.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

10,000, almost 11,000 at bats, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

3,053, 000 hits, two.

[Paul Virzi]

21, almost 2200 walks.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, the walk's insane, dude.

[Paul Virzi]

Stolen bases, no one's breaking that, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

His overall batting average for all those teams, even in his old age, to almost 280s. Nuts.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah. 1400 stolen bases will definitely not be broken.

[Jake the Snake]

No, I. I think second is like so like hundreds off.

[Paul Virzi]

It's gotta, gotta be 297 home runs. Are those all lead off or later in his career? Was he down in the order a little bit?

[Jake the Snake]

I think those are told.

[Paul Virzi]

That was. That was another thing. That was great is when he came to town, you know, you didn't have to wait to see him. He was the first guy up.

[Bill Burr]

Dude.

[Jake the Snake]

He was born on Christmas.

[Andrew Themless]

Oh, yes, you're right, Bill.

[Jake the Snake]

He was born on Christmas, 1958.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

Jimmy Foxx.

[Bill Burr]

Great name.

[Jake the Snake]

Jimmy Foxx is a great name.

[Unknown Speaker]

Related hall of famers. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Wow.

[Jake the Snake]

Wow.

[Paul Virzi]

All right.

[Jake the Snake]

Rest in peace to Ricky Henderson.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

I know this is going to sound dumb, but like, when I heard pneumonia, I was just like, dude, so many people this year getting like, that's like still getting people, man.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's always. Pneumonia's always gets people. You knew I heard of a newborn pneumonia just passed away. Yeah, the pneumonia will get you.

[Paul Virzi]

I had it in 20, 22.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's crazy.

[Jake the Snake]

I just thought I had it early this year. Yeah, Lucas had it early this year, dude. He was coughing for like four weeks. It freaked me the out.

[Paul Virzi]

It's just.

[Jake the Snake]

It's brutal.

[Paul Virzi]

One week into a cough. You got to get them there because I. I think it ends up. It ends up developing into it is what happened to me.

[Jake the Snake]

What's the difference between a lung infection and pneumonia? Like what?

[Paul Virzi]

I don't want to know. I have no idea. Yeah, I know what I know what. I just know what it feels like when you have pneumonia. Be coughing so much it, like, hurts the cough. Like your whole throat is just like. If I cough one more time, I think. I think my. My whole insides are going to come out. Yeah, let's. Let's.

[Jake the Snake]

Let's get to the Monday Night Special. Let's turn this puppy around.

[Paul Virzi]

Death and pneumonia into Monday Night Football. Here we go. It's a metaphor for the football season. Come drawing. Yeah, the football's still going to the middle of February, so don't start crying. They're just weeding out all the fat chicks. It's gonna be nothing but lean and mean. Now.

[Andrew Themless]

Don't worry, it's gonna be longer next year when they add another game.

[Paul Virzi]

No, they know they're not.

[Andrew Themless]

They probably are.

[Jake the Snake]

I hope they vote against.

[Unknown Speaker]

They're playing through. Yeah, they're gonna play through March.

[Andrew Themless]

Well, I don't know about that, but they're close.

[Paul Virzi]

To leave them wanting more.

[Andrew Themless]

Chiefs have played every day of the week this year, except I think it was Tuesday, so pretty impressed, which is crazy. They're just so greedy, but whatever.

[Unknown Speaker]

Wow, that's funny.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, they've. And they've. That's amazing. They're the first team ever that's gotten away with holding on six out of seven days.

[Andrew Themless]

They've. They're. They have one loss. They haven't scored over 30 points in a game all year.

[Jake the Snake]

That's a profit that. MGM should put that as a prop bet.

[Paul Virzi]

Did you see that?

[Jake the Snake]

Under, over, holding, non holding calls for.

[Paul Virzi]

The Chiefs on Tuesday. All right, let's do it.

[Jake the Snake]

Who do we got? Andrew?

[Unknown Speaker]

Lions. Niners. Niners are getting three and a half over unders. 50 and a half.

[Jake the Snake]

Lions are gonna beat him.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, wait.

[Jake the Snake]

Did we hit the Monday Night Special?

[Unknown Speaker]

We did last week. Let me pull that up.

[Jake the Snake]

We took the 14 and a half points. No, we. We said that they were going to cover. They did.

[Andrew Themless]

We took the Saints to cover.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, you sound like an old lady right now when you catch getting the wrong change back, like. No, no, no.

[Unknown Speaker]

You lost because the Saints didn't score a point.

[Jake the Snake]

No, we. We didn't take the Saints.

[Andrew Themless]

Who do we take? Did we take Green Bay?

[Jake the Snake]

We said Green Bay was gonna be 20.

[Paul Virzi]

That's.

[Andrew Themless]

Yes.

[Dennis Leary]

Jesus.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus.

[Andrew Themless]

I hit you.

[Paul Virzi]

We won last week.

[Jake the Snake]

We won the spread.

[Paul Virzi]

We said on the Monday next festival.

[Jake the Snake]

Wait, no, no. We gotta find out. Did the running back score?

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, I did. I celebrate too soon. It's going to review.

[Jake the Snake]

Josh. Did Josh Jacobs score a touchdown last Week for the Green Bay.

[Paul Virzi]

I think he did.

[Jake the Snake]

Okay.

[Andrew Themless]

I'm gonna check. I'm gonna check.

[Jake the Snake]

This will be the third one. This would be.

[Paul Virzi]

Paulie's already backpedaling down the court. That ball is going in.

[Andrew Themless]

He did score a touchdown. I don't know what the third leg was then.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, so. So we had Josh Jacobs. We had. And. And who? And we had Jordan Love to throw one. Did Jordan Love throw one?

[Paul Virzi]

If he did, we did it.

[Unknown Speaker]

Jordan Love passed the two yard touchdown.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah, we did it.

[Jake the Snake]

Not only did we go 12 and 4, but we hit the special. Oh, we're coming in strong at the end.

[Paul Virzi]

We're killing it.

[Andrew Themless]

Hell, yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

All right, let's go. We've never hit two specials in a row, Paul. Let's do this.

[Jake the Snake]

And if we hit one more special, we tie our record for the year we always did it. So we got to get this one.

[Paul Virzi]

What is our record? Four.

[Jake the Snake]

I think we hit four in a year.

[Paul Virzi]

All right. All right.

[Jake the Snake]

So I'd love the Lions to beat them up bad. The 49ers aren't playing for anything. They're. They're probably banged up. They're rest in. And.

[Paul Virzi]

And the Lions playing for respect.

[Jake the Snake]

And the Lions got to get home field. I say we take the Lions and the.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. What happened there, Paul? He had a little cardiac episode. You got all. You got all choked up. You believe in this bet so much, man. You're making me tear up over here.

[Jake the Snake]

They're gonna close it. Imagine I did. I like the Lions. I love Jared Goff. I think he's the most underrated quarterback in football. I really do.

[Paul Virzi]

I finally. Somebody saying that. Somebody know there's something about him. What are you talking about? He's playing for the Lions and he's killing it. That was a great trade for both teams. Even though the Rams aren't doing that well. They got their ring. Now it's the Lions turn. You like that storyline? Because I.

[Jake the Snake]

You know what I love? If. If Jared Goff wins a Super bowl this year, him and Matt Stafford go to a bar together, have a beer. They clink and they go, we did it.

[Paul Virzi]

That's a good commercial.

[Andrew Themless]

That's a dude.

[Jake the Snake]

That's a great commercial.

[Paul Virzi]

That. That just remind me of burden magic.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

When they got them together to play the 101.

[Dennis Leary]

I'm old.

[Paul Virzi]

Nobody remembers it. All right, let's go. Okay, so we're taking the Lions laying.

[Jake the Snake]

Three and a half.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Why is it so small? That's what she said. Why is the spread so Small.

[Jake the Snake]

That's what he said.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Be progressive. I'm sure that happens in the gay community too. Sorry.

[Andrew Themless]

I don't know why that number's so low, but gotta take it.

[Paul Virzi]

Have you seen that kid who's doing the Italian thing? Have I sent you that kid yet? Which is the over the top Italian? Oh, dude, it's the funniest ever when they go. Then they asking that fat baseball player, what do you.

[Jake the Snake]

What do you.

[Paul Virzi]

You know, a lot of whatever those something balls or whatever they just cut soon stuff.

[Dennis Leary]

This guy's eating burgers.

[Paul Virzi]

I can't do it. He's like running out of air. What about when he was going through the chocolates and he was just like.

[Jake the Snake]

Cranberry.

[Paul Virzi]

Look at.

[Jake the Snake]

This guy's eating meatballs.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude, I drive my wife nuts with that. Whenever those videos come overnight, I am like dying laughing. She's like, I get it, I get it. I'm like, this isn't that fun. This is hilarious.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, it's so funny.

[Paul Virzi]

Hey, Jake, see those guys who did the Questant video?

[Jake the Snake]

No.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh my God. They go in and they're like, Americans, but they're going, can I get a croissant? And they stop going, croissant, croissant. They start doing all this thing. They're yelling across the street, croissant. The guy goes, I love it.

[Jake the Snake]

He goes.

[Paul Virzi]

He goes, nice. And he says it in English accent. And they keep doing it. And then they come and there's a guy dressed as like a stereotypical French guy sitting at a. At a bus stop with like a beret on in the striped shirt. They're going. Then they see him. Then they're all nervous because he's the real deal. And they start playing that. I don't know who plays the song. You know that, whatever. That old school started doing this thrash metal thing, saying questant. It's amazing.

[Jake the Snake]

No, that's great.

[Paul Virzi]

That's so funny, Internet dude, I'm telling you. Did you watch that thing I sent you that, that the Ronnie Dangerfield tape?

[Jake the Snake]

I did? Not yet, no.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, my God, no. He senses it's. It's him telling the band that's gonna be there, that's gonna be backing him on his show, all their cues, and it's the funniest ever because he's doing the jokes. And he goes, I went to a Chinese. He goes, okay. So when I say, I went to a Chinese restaurant and they said, we invented a new dish for you, one dumb. Then the bass drum goes, bomb. That's great, except it's like Rodney. Yeah. One dumb boom. The bass drum.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, you gotta hit it. After I say, okay, that's great.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Then I say, hey, what are you guys doing? Then the whole band stands up and he says, we're idiots. Then I go into. It's like a four minute audio tape.

[Jake the Snake]

And he's serious, right?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

And in the end when he's done, he actually says, like a joke. He goes, hey, I already don't get enough respect. Don't fuck it up. He kind of makes a joke, you know, but. But like everything is a whole act and everything was tight as a drum. Not only is that, but like his interaction with the band and I just can't imagine, you know, I sent it to like comedians and musician friends of mine and all the musician friends were like, dude, if I had a gig and I had to listen to Rodney and knew that, you know, I had to play some drums at that point. He goes, that I would be fulfilled as a musician.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, that's sick. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

All right, let's finish here. So we got. We got the Lions laying three and a half.

[Jake the Snake]

We got Golf to throw one.

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, that's good.

[Paul Virzi]

Yep.

[Jake the Snake]

And then what do you want to do? Like St. Brown or, you know, I don't know, Gibbs, you want to do.

[Paul Virzi]

Anything on the other side? I guess it's just so banged up.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, banged up. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Both said he get held on every play and for some reason they don't call it. What does the NFL have against that kid? Every time I see him, he's like got both arms up. Like, what the. In his jersey's like this.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

He's always getting held. What do you. What should the third one be?

[Paul Virzi]

You know what it is, Paul?

[Dennis Leary]

You know, you know what I heard? You know what I heard?

[Paul Virzi]

I'm just with you.

[Unknown Speaker]

How about Jameer Gibbs?

[Paul Virzi]

Two.

[Dennis Leary]

Two.

[Unknown Speaker]

Two plus touchdowns.

[Jake the Snake]

Two.

[Andrew Themless]

That's a lot.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's the end of the year, Paul. You already paid.

[Paul Virzi]

When a guy with 44 wins is sitting there and he gives you a little Paul Newman talking ahead there. I don't know.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, we could do. I mean, Montgomery's out, right?

[Andrew Themless]

He is out.

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, Montgomery Ward closed down a long time. Let's do. I'm the guy who knows nothing about football anymore.

[Jake the Snake]

Do Gibbs to score one and then you want to add a fourth.

[Paul Virzi]

No, Paul, let's not get Paul. Paul's already popping the call that little Ricky Henderson here. Come on. Shout out to Andrew Thelis for getting the Montgomery Ward reference.

[Jake the Snake]

I remember that store.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, yeah, that's fun.

[Paul Virzi]

Paul, I can see you shopping there as a seven year old and it doesn't make any sense. You just the four door sedan and you're coming out. I like this. This is a nice shirt. You know, you dress like an old man. That's my favorite thing about Paul. Paul's been Paul's head. Old man vibes in a good way. Not that he's old. Okay. He used to see the guy get around the track when he goes down the street. I'm telling you, he's nimble, but he, he understands. Like, he's understood life like an old man. Since I've known him.

[Jake the Snake]

Bill, it's so funny you say that. I remember I was like 16, 17. My stepfather was like, what? You know, what kind of car? Like, what kind of car do you want? Like eight? And I was like, I don't know, I was like, do you want to go like look at like Buicks? I was like, I kind of like those four door buicks, dude. I was like, 17, 18. And he just started laughing. I just loved. I'm like, where am I going? I'm not going fast. Well, I want a nice whip. Like a nice.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, I like to watch people going fast. I'm not into it. No, I like. Well, I, I like. I could go on a nice drive. Like to cruise?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, nice cruise with a lady. Take your head. No, I'm kidding. You can't go fast when you're doing that.

[Paul Virzi]

Take it down the lake.

[Jake the Snake]

Switch over, sweetheart.

[Paul Virzi]

I got a convertible. What are we doing? I'll put the top up.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, There we go. All right, we'll do lions to cover. No lions to, to cover three and a half.

[Paul Virzi]

Jared Goff to throw one and Jameer.

[Jake the Snake]

Gibbs to run one. Andrew wants two. I mean, two's gonna take us out of the bet.

[Paul Virzi]

All right, we'll just do one. Come on. We're trying to make money.

[Andrew Themless]

We're trying to win, huh?

[Dennis Leary]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, everybody. There you go. We went 12 and 4 last week for you. And we hit the Monday night special. We're gonna try to do it again in week 17.

[Paul Virzi]

What do we have to do here? We're leaving these picks right at the door for these people. I mean, put the paper inside the screen door.

[Jake the Snake]

The only thing we're not doing is leaving a envelope of cash. You're not leaving envelope. Catch their mailbox.

[Paul Virzi]

Now watch. Next week we go 0, 16.

[Jake the Snake]

What do you want me to do? Tape the cash to your front door. Guys, this week at next week, I will Be at Levity Live performing New Year's Eve, 7 and 10 o'clock. We added it late, but I can't wait to be there. First time I've been in that building since I shot my Netflix special. Get tickets, Levity Live, and go to PaulVirzi.com for more dates. And then. Yeah, I mean, that's. That's pretty much it you want to hear.

[Paul Virzi]

And if you don't heckle them, they'll give you a couple of picks.

[Jake the Snake]

My mother in law's been here. You want. You ready for this?

[Paul Virzi]

No. My mother in law.

[Jake the Snake]

Let me tell you, my mother in law has been here since December 19th. She was here for Thanksgiving for a few days. She's been here since December 19th. She's leaving today, and I gotta say, zero issues.

[Paul Virzi]

Amazing.

[Jake the Snake]

I mean, zero, zero. One or two comments I could have done without, but not. But that's me. That's me.

[Paul Virzi]

Other than that, Paul, you know what? You go for a walk. Listen, you get eight, you go for a walk.

[Jake the Snake]

She was great. Hey, is there anything I could get you?

[Paul Virzi]

No.

[Jake the Snake]

No. You want anything to eat? You want me to fix it?

[Paul Virzi]

Can you get me something? You can get the out of here so I can enjoy my holiday.

[Jake the Snake]

Get to the airport.

[Paul Virzi]

You get them feet moving and take a walk right out the front door. Take out the trash while you're at it.

[Jake the Snake]

Sweetheart, you know those people. You need a ride to the airport now. I got it. I'm happy to try them with their bags. No, I got it. I got. Let's go, let's go. They got a good lounge.

[Paul Virzi]

Car's already warmed up.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, have you been to the Delta Lounge?

[Paul Virzi]

It's incredible. You get there early.

[Unknown Speaker]

She's like, where are my bags?

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, they have a bag.

[Unknown Speaker]

Like, I overnighted them.

[Bill Burr]

Got it. You have to.

[Paul Virzi]

You got status. We're going now.

[Jake the Snake]

The mimosas are there. You grab one now. We're gonna go now.

[Paul Virzi]

I'd love for you to stay longer, but you got status with Delta Airlines. I mean, you're gonna miss out.

[Unknown Speaker]

Isn't it too early?

[Jake the Snake]

I want you to take advantage of the platinum.

[Unknown Speaker]

Isn't it too early to go to the airport?

[Andrew Themless]

No, no.

[Paul Virzi]

9, 11.

[Unknown Speaker]

You got to get there early.

[Andrew Themless]

Five hours.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm telling the place. It's gonna. It's gonna be. It's gonna be a zoo.

[Jake the Snake]

No, dude, this time of year, you.

[Paul Virzi]

Pull up, there's like, nobody there. It's all awkward.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude. I can't mention the name, but we were at my house at my. We're at my house at my fourth of July party, and there's a couple of comics that I'm close with in the living room talking. And one of them says, I can't mention it. One of them goes, hey, dude, so and so, like, should we invite so and so? Like, because he's home, and it was just a guy that was a. What I like to call a do without. So it's like, you like him, but you could do without him. And I just go, ah, dude, traffic right now is gonna be. Everyone just started laughing. I don't do that to him. Don't do that.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude.

[Jake the Snake]

If he gets on the road now, you go like this. You go now. No, we're gonna get here. He's gonna get here, 7:00, and I'm gonna enjoy it.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, it's all right if he shows up, but it's all right if he doesn't.

[Jake the Snake]

Why would he do that to his girlfriend? To be sitting in the car all day, Stay home, relax, Game on.

[Paul Virzi]

We're running out of chairs. I mean, we have chairs for him, but they're not. They're not comfortable. It's not worth the drive to sit in that chair.

[Jake the Snake]

Fireworks. He might not make the fly. He's gonna be in a car.

[Paul Virzi]

Look, if you asked me 20 minutes ago, 20 minutes ago, you start lying, I would have. I wouldn't be saying the exact same 20 minutes ago.

[Jake the Snake]

Or. Or you put it on the person who offered it. Why'd you tell me now? Would you tell me now? He. Oh, my God. You should have told me last night. I would have.

[Paul Virzi]

I knew there was somebody I forgot to invite.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, everybody. That's why this show is the best.

[Paul Virzi]

Hey, and there's another thing, too. If it's this time of year and you're calling around to see what people are doing, you were a douche for 11 months. Hey, man, just. I just want to say Merry Christmas. You guys doing anything?

[Jake the Snake]

You have to invite a party. The way you draft a team, it's who gets along. It's, you know, you get a pen, you go ahead.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, yeah. You can't bring someone that doesn't fit into your system. No, go like this, you go.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, he's good. How's the wife?

[Paul Virzi]

Nah, drinks too much. Drinks too much.

[Jake the Snake]

You know what? She just. She starts crying after the fourth glass. No good.

[Paul Virzi]

I can't do it.

[Jake the Snake]

Nice guy. They're out.

[Paul Virzi]

And then the wife's always good? No, but they're getting a little better now. I'm telling you, I'M telling you, that all brings out. That's what she's telling you. That's what she's telling you. The alcohol brings out the truth.

[Andrew Themless]

Amen.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, it's so great. So true.

[Paul Virzi]

How funny would that be? Okay, can I invite so and stuff? Nah, too loud.

[Bill Burr]

Any of my favorite old school guys.

[Paul Virzi]

Who said she's brassy?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

He wanted to go to jail.

[Dennis Leary]

You know who goes to jail?

[Jake the Snake]

They want it. Because he wanted to get away from his wife. He go want to get away from his wife. That's how dumb that was. Really saying how dumb the wives are, though, in that movie.

[Paul Virzi]

Dude, too Brassy was my favorite. That's just that she has that she's not gonna shut the up in her voices. That. That unbelievable. That the rarity.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

The rare female voice that no matter what register that person has a complete inability to give you a heart on. Doesn't even make sense.

[Jake the Snake]

You know what we saw? I saw. I saw a wife ruin her. I saw a wife ruin her invitation to my house forever.

[Paul Virzi]

Hey, Paul. He could have stopped at wife.

[Jake the Snake]

Right? It was over.

[Paul Virzi]

What they do, Paul, we say dumb and they ruin good times, man. It is what it is.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, I thought you meant saw the wife like she was. Hey, it's a dog show. I can't have a dog show in the house.

[Paul Virzi]

No, I just like. Yeah, you know, he brought his wife.

[Jake the Snake]

All right.

[Paul Virzi]

And then problems ensue.

[Jake the Snake]

No, Stacy is like an overly. One thing we take pride in in the Versi household is where we like to overly host. Make sure you had a drink. You need something, you're empty, you're hungry. And Stacy went over to do it, and one insecure wife was just yapping and like, she got mad.

[Paul Virzi]

Stacy, can you roll up the newspaper? Paul, Right across the snow.

[Jake the Snake]

I know. No, she goes. She goes, hey, can I get you. And like, she just kind of looked at my wife like, I'm talking. And it was like. And. And my wife was like, in your house. At my house.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, Paul, that's what a bay window's for. You got to throw them right through. Like Axel Foley.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Themless]

She said I'm talking. That's insane.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, she didn't say I'm talking. She just kind of looked like, like. She kind of looked as if like, you're interrupting me. And my wife was going over to make sure she didn't need anything.

[Dennis Leary]

Oh, super rude.

[Jake the Snake]

You know?

[Andrew Themless]

Yeah, really.

[Paul Virzi]

Just say your name.

[Unknown Speaker]

Say your name.

[Paul Virzi]

I'll bleep it out. Don't worry. You know no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Unknown Speaker]

I'm chill.

[Paul Virzi]

Janice, Rossy.

[Jake the Snake]

Be funny. Stacy, no dog shows, okay? Nice people, but no dog. She got that. I would never. We would never do that, you know?

[Paul Virzi]

Look, Paul, listen, we have a rep here, okay? I need. Hey, Paul, can I invite Jennifer over? I don't know, is she hot? There's some other dumb things you can say to ruin your holiday.

[Jake the Snake]

No, it's. But she's on Ozempic. All right, give it a shot. All right, all right. All right, guys, this has been, you.

[Paul Virzi]

Know, funny about people on Ozempic. They all have that look of doubt on their face. You know what I mean? Like, they can't believe it either. They know it's coming back.

[Jake the Snake]

And that's also the muscle they lost in their cheeks.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, no, it's like they lose like a third.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, dude, it's actually. It's actually the only diet thing that, like, your muscle, like, it takes away your muscle mass.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. You start looking like Skeletor, which is me saying that too. Dude, there's a guy on my block, right? This dude. There's this chatterbox on my block. He's always gossiping about everybody. I try to blow him up. This fat with a mullet. He's always waving at me. And. Right? And then I didn't see him for a while. And then, I swear to God, I'm driving down the street and this string bean is waving at me. I'm like, just going, who the is this guy? I just keep seeing him. And then I finally said to my wife, I'm like, is that someone. I think he did Ozempic.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, dude, he looks like he has a blood disease. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

His face is all gone.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

By the way, it's my favorite Aerosmith lyric. Watch. Was it when they were talking about their drug addiction. It's walking on Gucci wearing East St. Laurent. Barely stay on because I'm so goddamn gone. And you just picture wearing this. This designer suit and. And, like, you know, which usually makes you look great. But everybody's looking at him like, death goes by real quick. Yeah, Aerosmith rocks. For anybody else over 55 listening to.

[Bill Burr]

This podcast, yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm so goddamn gone. I know I should have just said it, you know, then I had to sing it. All right, end this podcast for me.

[Jake the Snake]

Good way to end.

[Paul Virzi]

But it's a.

[Jake the Snake]

It's been a fun one, let's be honest.

[Unknown Speaker]

All right, guys, one of the year.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, listen, have everybody have a happy and healthy new year. Come and see your boy if you're on the tri state area telling some jokes on New Year's Eve, counting that.

[Paul Virzi]

Booking money, those are our picks.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, listen, I'll do a meet and greet. I'll give you a tip, all right?

[Paul Virzi]

Paulie the Greek, past the.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Paul Virzi]

We got two Greeks on this?

[Jake the Snake]

We do.

[Paul Virzi]

Rushing it.

[Jake the Snake]

Be funny if I took a picture with a fan after the show and I was like, dude, Jaguars are going to cover. Just take care, right?

[Paul Virzi]

What if Greeks were the only people casinos were afraid of? For some reason, you guys just had this innate ability to get around it.

[Jake the Snake]

They'd find a way to ban us.

[Unknown Speaker]

Hey, I, I, that's it. I knew a guy, I worked at my dad's store growing up, and we had Kino. And, and this guy was Greek. And, yeah, he didn't have the gene. This guy would come and play Keno. I mean, every day. He didn't have it. He didn't have it.

[Paul Virzi]

Man. You're gonna get that, though.

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh, God.

[Paul Virzi]

Is like, that's like, set up for you to lose. I mean, like picking a game. I know that's set up to lose, but there's a little more thought involved. Keno, you're just pushing buttons, right?

[Unknown Speaker]

Well, no, it's like, you pick, you come. He'd, like, he'd walk in, he'd be like, four numbers, $5, one game. So he'd bet $5 to get four numbers. You know, five games, it would come out of the league and it'd be like a quick pick. So come out, he go, oh, these are terrible numbers. I like this. I like these numbers.

[Paul Virzi]

And then come back the next week and say it again. These are terrible numbers.

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh, man.

[Paul Virzi]

All right, all right, let's wrap this up because I gotta. I gotta hang with my wife today.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, guys, those are the picks. You guys know what to do. Bet responsibly if you want to, you know, use the app. It's the best app out there. BetMGM. You put a $10, right, deposit $10 and you get 1500 in bonus bets. If the bet loses after the first bet is settled, your original bet is settled. And go use our code burr. B U R R. There you go. First touchdown, you do a player prop any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown, you win. If it gets the second touchdown, you will get your cash. You'll get your stack back in cash. There you go. Bet responsibly, Everybody have a good week. 17 of the NFL. Let's see what we could do. And I'll see you at Levity Live. That's it.

[Paul Virzi]

All right. Happy New Year, everybody. Thank you so much for watching again this season. We'll see you later.

[Dennis Leary]

Happy New Year.

[Paul Virzi]

Bye, guys.

[Unknown Speaker]

Later, guys.