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- [00:02]
Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Woo. I'm in New York City. It is raining cats and dogs.
- [00:18]
Paul Verzi
Which.
- [00:19]
Bill Burr
Is something I'm not used to. I haven't been in a long time. Just to have a nice rain like this for the hell of it, you know, you forget after a while. You live out in Los Angeles, you live in a desert, you know, it like rains. Hopefully it rains when you're out there and it rains for like a month, rains like crazy. And then never rains in California. Remember that song? But boy, don't they warn you. It pours, man, it pours. I never understood like what it meant. I didn't understand any of that. I remember asking my mother going, it never rains in California. What it really is, is it's in the desert. It doesn't rain. It rains like once a month. So you were confused about that song for the last 50 years. I hope, I hope I undid it for you. Anyway, so I'm a raincoat guy, I'm not an umbrella guy. You know, you walk down the street and then you got to lift it up, you know, because you don't want to hit somebody in the eye with it. And then you just becomes this thing, you know, Unless you get one of the smaller ones and then the smaller one, all it does is keep from your eyebrows up dry and the rest of you gets drenched. So I just go, raincoat. And I'm an older man at this point, so, you know, if they had raincoat pants, like readily available, I would buy those too, but only if they were like NBA tearaway style, which is what you want. So when you show up to work, people go, you got on rain rain jacket pants, man. That's when you rip them off right in front of them like you're going in to drop 40 on the Knicks. You rip them off and then all that rainwater goes all over.
- [02:02]
Paul Verzi
Huh?
- [02:02]
Bill Burr
You want to talk about my pants? What do you think about my pants?
- [02:05]
Paul Verzi
Now?
- [02:06]
Bill Burr
Look at you. You need a face towel, but then what you have to have on underneath it, you got to have some sick ass, like, you know, badass clothes. And everybody else has on their rain outfit because they bought a fucking umbrella and they were all making fun of you, you know, Cuz you fucking showed up like you had upper deck tickets for the Cleveland Browns or some shit. Anyway, the hell did I want to talk about? I saw some fucking good movies this Week I watched that Robert Duvall movie with Karen Black, amazing, amazing actor. One of my favorites. And it's called the Outfit and dude, there was some. It's one of the greatest 70s car movies ever. As far as like you're just watching it like what the kind of car is that? There was a car in there. I'm not good with the, the Chrysler, Dodge, Plymouth, but it was called a Monaco, a 1973 and it was like this beige, but more on the white side, beige. And it looked like they were combining an LTD with an El Dorado and I don't know, some sort of Chrysler. You know, Chryslers were always weird to me. I like their muscle cars but like their luxury cars had. They weren't cool. They were like old man looking. I always felt the Chrysler and the Chevys were the best. The best looking. The Cadillac, you can't beat. The Cadillac and Buicks were a close second. And then the Lincolns, you know, obviously the Lincoln Continental, the suicide door one, that one is iconic. But I don't like that one from the 50s where they got the, you know, the lights on top of the lights and it's at like a 45 degree angle. It was the longest production car ever. Like the back end on that car is just. I, I don't know, I don't like it at all. But Chevy, man, I hate to say it, being a Ford guy in the 60s, the impala, the Malibu, what else did, what was their top of the. I guess it was a Cadillac. But that's back when they used to have like, you know, I've talked about this a million times but I really wish they would get back to this because you know, luxury cars, they didn't make an entry model or an affordable fucking model. You had to be successful. Yeah, you had to be crushing it to drive a Cadillac. If you were just crushing it, but not crushing it, crushing it. You got the Buick. If you weren't quite crushing it, you got an Oldsmobile. If you were moving up, you got a Pontiac and if you just fucking got there, you drove a Chevy. That's how the, that's how it worked. And it was like, I'll just throw numbers out like so you could get a Chevy for five to six grand. Then Pontiacs was seven to nine grand. It was just like that. It moved up in like two three thousand dollar increments. But there was no like five thousand dollar Cadillac. Just so you could say you're driving a Cadillac, they, you know, you had to have your big boy pants on. Back then. And you also had to be a man, right? If you're a woman, you had to fucking stay home.
- [05:33]
Paul Verzi
I told you.
- [05:33]
Bill Burr
A long time ago. I was on the road, and I saw this sign in this diner. It said, get her a Ford. It was like the 1940s. And I was thinking, like, wow, man, that's pretty luxurious that you would buy your wife a car. I thought people were sort of one car families back in the day who had the money to go buy their wife a new car. And then I realized what they were saying. It's like, you know, get her a forge. You drive the Lincoln, you drive the Mercury, okay? You just get her an entry. You know, she. You know, she doesn't need to worry her little head with all these buttons and electric windows and all of this shit, you know, a V8 engine, she can't handle that. Just get her a Ford. Let her putz around town. She'll feel fucking special. I wish I could talk to a woman from back then like, what the was that? They don't seem like they were upset, though. But it was just like, it's kind of funny now to listen to women, how openly they discuss how dumb they find men. And I just can't imagine, during that time, the confusion of that, that you would be sitting there listening to these morons talking about all this. I can't imagine what they used to talk about. When the guys went to work. They used. They must have been laughing their asses often, but just be like, you know, be like, smarter in a lot of ways. And this guy, this meathead guy's coming home talking to you like you don't know your fucking ass from a hole in the ground. I always feel like that's got to be like, what it's like for people that come to this country and they're, like, bilingual, and they got to listen to Americans who only speak one language give them shit because they speak English with, like, an accent. It's like, yeah, it's a second language, and I can actually communicate with you. I know I have an accent, but I can speak more than one language. Like, what the. It is kind of funny how, like, English is, like, the language of the world, and everybody thinks like, oh, the reason why that is is because it's the best language of the. The white people best. That dumb. It's like, no, it's because the English went around the world and had an empire. That's what happened. And they made people speak it. Speak the king's English. I don't want to listen to you speaking, you fucking mumbo. Hey, I don't got time for your culture in your own country. But thanks to the tyranny and the impression, the oppression of the English empire, Americans, we can travel around a lot of places and. And we don't have to learn to speak a language. It's kind of amazing. I don't think it's good for us. I wonder if we have more dementia in this country because we only speak one. Because they say that, you know, I get. I get afraid of that. I get a scared of that. So, like, they say, like, you know, taking naps is good for your brain. Playing an instrument, learning another language or whatever. Which I've been getting my ass kicked on on Duolingo because, you know, they got that stupid. Where they get you to compete with other people. And it's been very liberating because I only have time to do one lesson a day, so I'm keeping my streak going. I've done French almost 160 days in a row, but, like, since I've been. I've been rehearsing in the play. I've only done like one or two lessons a day. And then the app goes like, you're gonna. You're gonna get demoted unless you. You're above the line. And it's just like, you know, just go yourself with that, okay? It's. I'm so sick of how everything turns into, you know, get them to run. Get him to chase the carrot so they interact with it anyway, so. Oh, Christ. What the. Did I just do to my. Did I just hit stop? I didn't. Right. Is it still going? It's still going. It's still going. All right, let me. Let me do something right here. Very important announcement. Here we go. The 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit is going to be Sunday, May 18th at the New York City Center, 131 West 55th street, between 6th and 7th Avenue, New York City. Doors open at 7:00pm show starts at 7:30pm the lineup is as follows. Rosebud Baker. Greer Barnes. DC Benny. Tim Dillon. I'm gonna mess this name up. Nemes Patel. Sean Patton. And me, Bill Burr. And as always, the great Rich Voss, who's done it 11 times, will be coming back to MC and we might have a special guest drop in. I'm working on that right now. You never know who's going to show up. Tickets are on sale now. They are 75 bucks and tickets can be purchased online at www.New York City Center NY. Sorry, nycity center.org Patrice 2025 Patrisse is P A T R I C E Pat Rice or by calling the box office at 212-581-1212. All of this info will be posted on my socials, handles and. And as always, shout out and thank you to our amazing producer, Maureen Taran. She is the captain of the ship and she's the reason why it, you know, it goes every year. So anyway, look at that. I think the rain stopped. Would you look at that? I also have. You know, I might be adding another. I know I am. I just can't announce it yet for whatever dumb reason. I have a. A benefit that I'm doing overseas that I'll be talking about more whenever I'm allowed to. I don't know how the fuck that works. Anyway, we're getting close. We're getting close to doing starting on Monday. Monday night, we go on in front of our first packed house. Previews. This is like, previews is the preseason, and then the season starts March 31. So I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait to see how this plays. I can't wait to see where the laughs are, where the moments are and all that. It's. I've been having so much goddamn fun. And we rehearsed this morning, and then I had a little break and I actually ran off and went to the gym. I've been killing it. Oh, Billy. No tits. Look at that, man. It's coming down. But I will tell you what. Oh, my God. I did some damage. Jesus Christ. If you put my torso on the Mecham auction, they, you know, it wouldn't have met the reserve. I'd have to take the reserve off, and I, I, I would be like, ah, yeah, I'm not selling it. Forget it. I gotta, I gotta Too much Bondo. Oh, my God. You have no idea how fat you are until you do yoga without a shirt on and there's like a mirror to the side and you're doing a forward bend. You're like, what the. What, do I sell shoes for a living?
- [13:02]
Paul Verzi
Is.
- [13:03]
Bill Burr
Who the. Is that. Is that me? Jesus Christ. Just no excuse for it. There's really no excuse for how out of shape I got. You know, if you guys work for a living, you have to be somewhere. You know what I mean? I, you know, I got all goddamn day to not be a fat. You know that I, I still failed at it. Ridiculous. Yeah, So I went, I went over to my big gay gym that, that I joined Gay as it wants to be. And, you know, I got in there and I got on the treadmill. I put it at the angle I needed to. I worked it. I. I was walking briskly. So I would burn fat. Because that's the new way they say that you're burning fat. You know what I mean? And I do like these guys on, like the social medias. When the media, the medias of social. When I love people that give advice and they're like yelling at you, you know what I mean? You can just see like the awful parent that the person had. You're sitting there like, why are you yelling at me, dude? You know, teach me about, you know, stop doing cardio before you lift.
- [14:19]
Paul Verzi
Where.
- [14:19]
Bill Burr
All right, man. I didn't know it was bad. You know, as far as I know, this is the first time you're telling me. I believe it's the first time I met you. Like, like, what are we doing here? So anyway, I figure once I get to the. Once we. We have, we stop, like doing all the rehearsals or tech run throughs and we're just doing the show. Even on the days when I have a matinee, I don't have to go to work, you know, I got all my whole morning free so I can. I can finally get my goddamn ass back in shape. Holy. Holy. I'll tell you one thing, okay? Everybody talking about snowflakes this and snowflakes that. I'll tell you, you know, the biggest example of fucking being a snowflake and soft is American jeans, you know, with these elastic waistbands. So the number on your jean, you know, whatever, 34, 32. You could actually be a 30, 38 waist and you can still get into 34. They're not helping. They're all. I'm telling you, they're all in cahoots with each other. Oh, my God. I actually went out and I got like one of those, Those tape measure things that people get when they, when they're measuring you for a suit. And I put that thing around my waist. It went up to 39 inches and I ran out of tape. I was like, what the. Oh, my God. I have. Oh, I have eight inches. I gotta lose. I gotta get back down to a 32, which I'm gonna do. But I'm. I've been eating protein and that, so I'm not. I'm not gonna be. I'm not gonna go Dallas Buyers Club on you here. I'm gonna. Oh, Billy Pecks here. I'm trying. Whatever. What the ever, you know, Anyway, who gives A. It's MotoGP season. It's fucking March Madness season. F1 is going fucking. Mark Marquez is riding with the factory Ducati team. Lewis Hamilton is with Ferrari. You know, he's going to try to fucking dethrone that other kid who keeps winning. Who I always call is Sebastian Vettel. I always fuck up the names. I'm not a big F1 guy. Although, you know what's funny is I keep getting on my Instagram of Jackie Stewart telling stories. That guy's such amazing goddamn stories. That guy drove when people died. People died in that goddamn sport back when that guy drove. Jesus Christ. They used to drive these race cars. They look like that. The. The kids would make in. Remember Cub Scouts? Is that still legal? Was there enough kids that got molested? Well, I guess the Catholic Church is still legal. If that's still legal, you still got to have scouting, right? Jesus fucking Christ. I'll tell you, it was a wild time when I was growing up, man. It was. There was just creepers.
- [17:33]
Paul Verzi
Every.
- [17:34]
Bill Burr
The church, scouting, paper root, martial arts, Little League, baseball, pop one or football. I mean, they were just. They were behind the tree in the park. You know, it's funny because sometimes I think, like, because of social media and all of this out there, that, like, it's so like. It's almost like kind of like the amount of people that are now, like, smoking weed or eating gummies or anything like that, it's. It's off the fucking chain now because it's legal. Before it was legal, I mean, you had to have a guy. You had to know somebody. Sometimes it was. It wasn't consistent or whatever, so it was a fucking pain in the ass. And now it's legal. Everybody fucking does it. So I kind of thought like, you know, pedophiles and all that. I felt like there was. It feels like there's more today because of, like, social media and all of that type of shit. And I just think it's easier to be. Maybe it's easier to be a creep now. I don't know. I have no idea. But I think. I still think they were. There was a. Maybe there was the same amount. It's kind of like how people feel like, you know, we're getting dumber. Yeah, we're not. We're not. We're not getting dumber.
- [18:54]
Paul Verzi
If.
- [18:54]
Bill Burr
If you. If you go back, just watch vintage newsreels where they go out and they talk to people in the street and they get their ideas on shit, and you'd be surprised. I Mean, there's some people that are more eloquent than people today, but people at least have more of a worldview, you know, at least. Or at least a national view with the fucking Internet. Because back in the day, you lived in your hometown. That's what the fuck you knew. You knew that the local news and the local sports team, that was it. Like, when I moved to New York City, I remember in the mid-90s, one of my buddies from back home was. He goes, you know, where do you live? And I, you know, I told him I was living on, you know, what the fuck was I? 97th and Lex, Lexington. And he was like, dude, what's with all the fucking numbers down there? What's. What's with the clueless? Like, I had no idea. Like, when I thought of New York City was Empire State Building, taxi cabs, Frank Sinatra, and there was a couple of big concerts in Central Park. That's all I knew. And obviously the sports teams, but I didn't know where the. I couldn't name the boroughs. I had heard of them, but if you asked me to name all of them, I couldn't have done that. I would have missed Manhattan and I would have missed Staten island because they just called it New York City. But you heard enough about Brooklyn and the Bronx because a welcome back Carter was in the. Was in Brooklyn. And then fucking Robert Redford did that movie Fort Apache, the Bronx. So I knew of those and that was it. Because I saw a news clip recently and it was about the busing riots and all that in Boston. And they were talking to people in the street. Jesus Christ, you want to talk? Fucking meatheads. Fucking meatheads. That was one of the dumbest ideas in the history of Massachusetts that they took a place that racist and they were like, you know what? You know, I think it would be a good idea, you know, all these people that fucking hate each other up there and they don't get along. Well, what if we just mix them all up? What do we force them to interact with each other without, you know, any sort of social lubricant beforehand? Let's just fucking throw them all together and see what the fuck happens. For you younger people, spoiler alert. It didn't work out then. It didn't go so well. Was fucking insane. Yeah, that was. That's one of those stupid liberal ideas. Like, well, what if we just put.
- [21:46]
Paul Verzi
Them all together and then they just fucking interact and then it'll fucking work?
- [21:51]
Bill Burr
Is that you're just gonna do that? You're not Gonna. There's gonna be no education, no sort of ease in the things. You're just gonna. Just gonna put them together, huh? That's what you're gonna do. All right. Would you just watch Trading Places? Anyway, let me. Let me. Let me do some of these reads here for the week.
- [22:11]
Paul Verzi
Squarespace.
- [22:14]
Bill Burr
Hey, folks, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. If you don't know Squarespace, Squarespace is the all in one platform that makes it ridiculously easy to build a professional website. Whether you're launching a business, showing off your creative work, or trying to sell something online, they've got everything you need all in one place. It's so simple that even someone like me, a fucking moron, according to this copy, who has zero patience for technology, can make it look good. All right, you know what? All they're saying with that paragraph is they listen to the podcast. All right, guilty as charged. And if you're one of those people always saying, I got this idea, but I don't know where to start, this is where you start. Let me tell you about a few things. I think you'll like their fancy drag and drop design tool called Fluid Engine. You don't need to know anything about coding or design. Relax. Just pick one of their templates and make it your own. You want to sell T shirts? Is that what the fuck you want to do with your catchphrases? Or maybe mugs with your dog's face on them, you fucking weirdo. Square space makes it easy. You designed it. They handle production, shipping, and all of that. I'm trying to think what you could do with that. You could put faces on a mug. You be funny if you put a face of your wife on it and you draw a line through it, and underneath it you just say, not today. You have a fishy wife, and it. There's like that police tape over her mouth, and then just underneath, it's like, you know, not until after my coffee. I don't know why I say that. I get along great with my wife, but it's. It's just funny. It's just fun to annoy people. Oh, my God. You know, it'd be wild. What if you got a coffee mug and it had all your ex girlfriend's name on it with like an X through it, and then your latest girlfriend or your wife, and there was just a question mark after it. You know where I got that idea from? That was Dave Navaro. That's what his pick looked like when. When he played with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He had Every guitarist name with a line through it before he played with them and then he had his name and then underneath it he had a question mark. All right, anyway, got video content. They let you organize and showcase it beautifully on your site. You can even sell access to it through member areas. So if you got a side hustle like online classes or standup clips, this is a great way to monetize. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to Launch, go to www.squarespace.com to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace. S Q A. No S Q U A R E S P A C E. Isn't that unbelievable? The amount of things out there have the same letters as Mississippi. Squarespace.com Spur to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I think it's supposed to say domain, but it says Damon, like Matt Damon. All right, here we go. Helix. Helix. What's the most important part of your daily routine? Whatever you do to calm down before bed, Read, meditate, stretch, binge. Reality tv. Not recommended. Finish a bottle of booze. Your mind is racing. You have a million things going on. You need to rest. A good night's sleep is so, so important. They capitalize the second. So that's why you need the best mattress in the bee's ness, the business Helix Mattress. Can you remember the last time, the last great night of sleep you've had? You wake up refreshed and ready for the day. For most of us, that feeling is all too rare. But it doesn't have to be. Find your perfect mattress. Fit with Helix Sleep today. Take their sleep quiz to see which mattress suits your unique sleep needs. Say, say that three times fast, you bastards. They provide free U.S. shipping and a limited time, limited lifetime warranty. How can you have a limited lifetime warranty? It's either a lifetime warranty or you have a limited warranty, limited lifetime. You even get 100 night sleep trial. Gross. That's almost a third of a full year. Try out your helix mattress for 100 nights. A lot can happen in 100 nights. And helix is so confident in their products, they want you to experience it for yourself. Go to helixsleep.com burr for 20 off site wide. That's helixsleep.com spur for 20% off site wide. H E L I X S l e e p.com oh, didn't work out. Slash burr. All right, there we go.
- [27:21]
Paul Verzi
There we go. All right.
- [27:22]
Bill Burr
Well, I think that is the Podcast, everybody. I'm going to see if I can watch this Moto gp. Bryce from last I saw some of the highlights. What happened? Mark Marcus was cruising and then they slowed down because he was trying to save his tires and let somebody pass him so he could try to pass him back. I was, I was. I was a confused. I didn't understand what was happening. I'll tell you right now, I don't know why. This is the first time in a long time I have the urge to go to a dive bar by myself, sit down, all right, and just start boozing, you know, One ice cube, four fingers, all right? Up and over the ice cube. Don't give me this eyedropper, all right? You know, and have like three of them come home face down on the mattress, pointed in the wrong direction, you know, wake up the next morning in sweatpants with one sock on, going, oh, God, what the fuck did I do? You know, I'm not gonna do it. But I was leaving the theater tonight and I was thinking, like, man, I was thinking, man, if I was still drinking, I would go out tonight. And you know what? I don't want to go out with anybody else. I want to go out by myself, okay? And fuck all these people that talk about drinking by yourself. That. That's a. It's a red flag. It is a red flag, but I'll tell you right now, it's. It's. Yeah. I don't want to encourage this behavior. I loved drinking alone. I'm not trying to go George Thoroughgood on you, but I fucking enjoyed it on a weekday night, enjoying the privilege of being in this business. That I could go out on a Wednesday night and get shitfaced because I didn't have anywhere to be until 8 o'clock the next night in a goddamn funny bone. Those, my friend, were the days. I had no kids, I had no wife, and I could just go out and I could get hammered. Hammered. That's how I dealt with my demons back in the day. Now what I do is I sit here alone and I watch old movies from the 70s. Once again, I recommend, highly recommend, the outfit with Robert Duvall and Karen Black and a whole bunch of other great actors in it. And the cars are amazing. And I really feel like that those four door sleds, because they're, they're rare. I think that they're gonna be worth something at some point. Maybe not. I don't know. All I know is I was, you know, I'm thinking about getting another. You know, I need a Daily Driver. I'm just looking at everything. I looked at the Burt Reynolds fucking Trans Am. You get one of those in mint condition, these fucking assholes want 200 grand for it. For a Pontiac. Go yourself. Trans Am. That car was a piece of shit. Everybody knew that. You had that car three years. You did like 20 burnouts on it. The transmission fell out. They didn't make that car right. That was actually after the catalytic converter. 200 grand for an underpowered car. You can't even keep on the goddam road. It's the Smokey and the Bandit one. If you get the red one, you know, it's like 40 grand. That's how good looking Burt Reynolds was. He was so good looking and charismatic that he made that piece of worth 200 grand all these fucking years later. Rest his soul. You don't see movie stars like that coming around. Maybe you do. I'm just old. I don't be that cunt. Anyway, plowing ahead here, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And yeah, remember, all right. The United States of America. United States don't hate other states. All right? People allowed to think different things. Let's stay together. Don't. Don't let a handful of fucking billionaires that own 24 Hour News Network fucking divide you. Go to that mom and pop place. God damn it. Fuck these box stores. Fuck these billionaires. All right, that's it. Listen to the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themless. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday morning podcast. All right, Take it.
- [32:11]
Unknown
When the MCs came telling about their names and to perform Some mad coaches to act the same with the poor Heat rock I swing swords and cut clowns if it's too swift to bite you be caught and write it down I blow like the blood on a murder scene like a syringe Once in a while I do insert a vein but it was your wife, the shop, stolen heart Catch a swollen heart from not rolling smart I put bad pressure.
- [32:50]
Paul Verzi
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 6, 2017. What's going on, everybody? I am in Phoenix, Arizona. Isn't that exciting? Phoenix, Arizona. It actually is, man. I'm psyched. I'm working at Stand Up Live, doing two shows tonight, two shows Tuesday, two shows Wednesday. I'm, you know, putting together my new hour and everything, and I got a bunch of shit. I've actually been listening to my act I always, you know, when I'm putting together a new hour. Oh, I always record. I just never listen. Well, now I'm finally listening to my act. I figured it out when I can do it because I. Who the wants to sit there and listen to yourself? What I'm doing is I listen to it on the car ride home. You know, if I had a decent set, if I had a shitty set, what's the point? You know what I mean? It's kind of like if you're always taping your. Your team, right? But you only watch if they win, you know, I know people who do that. They like, know what the happens before they watch. And if they lose, they just don't even watch. So I've actually been watching and that type of. And speaking of which, your team winning and losing. Ola Freckles came in last night and I went to the Phoenix Suns were playing my Boston Celtics. So I decide, you know what? I'm going to go to that game, right? My 117th franchise professional home team. I've. Whatever professional sports team that I've seen a home game of 117 of these. I got 10 more to go. I can't get underneath 10. Every time I get to 10 and I'm like, oh, one more team, I'll fucking. Then I'll have nine left and somebody moves, you know, I got down to 10. I'm like, all right, the next one's gonna get me down to nine, and then the Ram. The Rams move back up to 11, right? So then I go see the thunder and I'm thinking, all right, look, man, I'm down. I'm down to fucking. I'm down to nine. And I'm like, wait a minute, wait a minute. I saw the New Jersey Nets. I never saw the Brooklyn Nets. So it's still 10. So I'm like, all right, next week, Next week when I go see the Suns, I'll be down to nine teams left, right? So I'm sitting there watching the Suns and I'm like, versi, I'm down to single digits. The fan slam is going down. One of the loneliest accomplishments ever. I guess if you went with a bunch of other people, I got to find the old pictures of me at these stadiums. I swear to God, they're all like disposable camera pictures held by a stranger. You know, when I was doing all these fucking gigs in the middle of nowhere and shit, and I passed through the major cities and I would just go to a goddamn game anyways. So last night I'm thinking, all right, I'm going to the Sun Celtics game, I'll have nine teams left. And I'm like, wait a minute, the fucking Chargers just moved to Los Angeles. So in a month I'm working in San Antonio and I'm going to a Spurs game, going to the fucking spurs. And then I think I'll finally be down to nine, you know, God forbid if the fucking Raiders don't move to Vegas after that. But anyways, I. I went to the Suns game, right? So I show up immediately. The club hooked us up with tickets, gave us great tickets. We're sitting two rows behind the fucking. One of the. What do you call it in basketball? One of the nets, one of the goals, one of the backboards, right? Two. Two rows back. So it's really three rows back because they got all the fucking cameramen, you know. But still, it's like great seats. And I look down on the right and there's this guy just riding the refs in the. In the first quarter. And he really gives a shit. So I'm looking at Verzy and I'm just looking over going, look at this fucking. This guy's out of his mind. There's a guy who gives a shit. This is a hardcore season ticket holder, man. Look how much. And I'm laughing like, he's just like, he knows the refs names, he's calling him out and all that shit. And Virgie starts going, he goes, I bet that's the owner. I'm like, nah, the owner wouldn't be sitting down. He wouldn't be yelling like that if he was the owner. And he's like, well, Mark Cuban rides the refs like that. I go, get the fuck out of here. So finally, you know, I go, all right, man, I'm gonna look this guy up, right? So we, we look him up and it's the owner. I gotta tell you, Phoenix Suns, dude, you guys got a great fucking owner. Robert Sarver is his name, man. We ended up talking to him at the end of the game because I tweeted I was making fun of what's. His face, his shoes, his sneakers. The worst sneakers I've ever, ever seen. Kelly Olenek, the big white goof, the seven foot pylon out there, right? I. I don't. I. You know, Celtics love that guy. He got so many goddamn minutes. Maybe it's a road trip or whatever. But dude, this. He had these sneakers on. I think Garo Ypremian wore him in that fucking Super Bowl. Against the Redskins when he fucked up the field goal. Dude, they were like, they look like black football cleats from the early 70s. The ugliest fucking things I've ever seen. So of course I tweet about. That's what I did. So I tweeted about the thing and I guess the owner's son was watching. He goes, oh, he's probably sitting right next to you, blah, blah, blah. That's how he didn't mean the guy. But anyways, long story short, so I tweet about this fucking things, making fun of the guy's sneakers, thinking obviously, these have to be the worst fucking sneakers. Without a doubt. Even with the Internet, even with Twitter, even with all of these fucking cunts that are on social media, nobody can argue that these are the ugliest fucking sneakers ever, right? They were low top fucking field goal kicker cleats from the fucking early 70s, right? And all these sneaker heads are like, you mean, you mean the Kobe elevens? I guess it's the Kobe Bryant sneaker and what? Because it says Kobe on it, all of a sudden it's the Kobe's. Dude, do you mean the Shaq 14s? I fucking hate sneaker heads. I fucking can't stand them with their 5,000 fucking pairs of sneakers, taking them out of the box, showing them off on MTV Cribs and licking the soul. So it's like, you see, I never, I never even wore these joints before. Yeah, I can tell from your man tits you never wore them before. They're sneakers. Why don't you go take a walk in them? Birzie's a big sneakerhead, I'll tell You know what is overrated? It's so overrated. Jordans, you know what I mean? I'm not saying they're not good looking, some of them, most of them are ugly as. And dude, the fucking mouth breathing dopes, maybe that's what it is. The amount of, oh, geez, I'm walking around now, I'm walking through the amount of dopes that wear Jordans. You know what it is about Jordans? It's, you don't even have to think, you know what I mean? All you got to do is get a pair of Jordans, you know, everybody's.
- [40:14]
Bill Burr
Going to like them.
- [40:15]
Paul Verzi
Oh, yo, are those the sixes? Are those the Jordan sixes? Dude, look at these sixes I got him with the black with the gold outline. Yo, these, these sneakers are crazy, right? These are crazy. You know, I don't know, these mouth breathing morons with the goddamn sweatpants in their Jordans. You know, Furze's a big Jordan guy. He loves Jordans. He was. He's wearing a pair this week. They're ugly as. They're all black. And then they got like this white wall tire thing down. And just because it says Jordans, I'm going, paul goes, dude, check out these new Jordans. You like them? I go, no, actually, I don't. And he can't understand. He goes, they're Jordans, dude. These are Jordan ones. It's like, dude, I don't give a fuck if they're Jordan Knight. I'm so sick of the numbers, dude. What's your favorite Jordans? You like the Sevens? Really? You like the Sevens? Now you got to make sure that it just says Nike on the back. If it has him on the back, then those aren't the real ones, the Kobe 11s. Like, what do you guys think that if you fucking put them on, you're somehow going to be able to dunk? You're going to score close to 80 points in a fucking NBA game because you're wearing Kobes. The Sedale three Sevens. I don't know. I, I don't understand any. If a fucking sneaker is ugly, it's ugly. I don't give a. I cannot believe you guys. You have to go on and you have to look at a picture of those sneakers. They're like referee sneakers from the early 80s. It's just a black low top fucking slipper with the Nike swoosh on it, dude. You mean the Kobe 11s, dude, the Kobe 11s are crazy. They're crazy. I'm telling you. You get yourself, you get yourself a tracksuit and you put on a pair of those, dude. Over, over. You go out to the club. People, people. Are those the Sixes? I. I just don't understand basketball sneakers, okay? Some of them are good looking, some of them aren't. Just they, they drive me up the wall. Paul Versi is the funniest human being I've ever met in my life. Like, he's, he's. He's one of these guys. Like, I love him to death, but the. That he likes. It's so. He likes. Obvious. He'd be like, dude, you know what I like? You know what I like? I like amenities. It's like, really, dude? You like getting extra shit? Extra comforting shit? That's amazing. You know, I never really thought about that. I don't know. I have to think about this. Do I like amenities? You know what I like? Paul. I like a lack thereof. I like less than. Like, who would ever say, dude, you know what? You know what, Dude? Is there anything better than pizza? Is there anything better than a great slice of pizza? Dude, you know what I like? I like a bologna sandwich, dude. A bologna sandwich with white American cheese and mustard, dude. Dude, the mustard puts it over the top. It's crazy. It's a joke. I mean, it's literally a joke. It just. I don't know. It's like, does it even need to be said? Question. It's a baloney sandwich. Yeah, it fucking hits the spot. Old mainstream Paulie. Dude, you know what I like? You know, I like. I like a golden retriever, dude. You know what's crazy? A white picket fence. Sorry, I got to get him back on this podcast because I. Bartnik calls him Mr. Maxim because everything he likes, it's like. It's. He likes what everybody likes. But then he's got this simplistic great philosophy where he'll be like, bill. But, Bill, what's wrong? What's wrong with sweatpants? You know, you can't argue with them. I said, there's nothing wrong with it. It's just, you know, the conversation is just like. It just doesn't need to be. Most of the conversation just doesn't even need to be had. Dude, is there anything better than just walking around in sweatpants? Dude, you put on a pair of sweatpants with some Jordan threes. Over, over. Dude, what is better than having on a hoodie and a pair of Kobe 11s? You go to a massage parlor and she's jerking your dick. I mean, am I crazy? It's. It's over. It's a. It's joke. It's a. Literally, it's a joke. All right, I'm sorry, all you sneakerheads out there, God bless you with your little hobby of keeping your sneakers clean and, you know, walking on your heels anytime there's. There's any sort of rubbish on the ground. Grown men just walking like a goddamn duck on their he. Hey, buddy, what the fuck you doing? I got on the sevens. What is it, the first day of school? Dude, you know what I love? You know what I love? Is there anything better than when it snows on Christmas? That's the type of shit he says. It's like, no. Yeah, that's great, Paul. I think everybody's pretty much in agreement. I even think Jewish people, like, if it snows on Christmas, you know what I mean? It probably adds to their Chinese food. I don't like who the fuck doesn't like a fresh blanket of snow? As long as it isn't a goddamn storm. Dude, you know what I like? Amenities. Is there anything better than taking a steam? No, I mean, you know, that's also. That is a great thing that everyone is in agreement with. You know what I like, dude? I like fresh air. Is there anything better than like non polluted air when you breathe in? I mean, it's crazy. It's a joke. It's literally. It's a joke. Jesus. I went on a fucking tangent there. Oh my God. For half a second I thought the recorder wasn't recording. I forgot my fucking microphone. So this might sound a little bit. Dude, is there anything better than just laying in your bed and just waking up and doing your podcast? I mean, it's a joke. It's literally. It's. It's. It's a joke. You know, I have to look up these fucking sneakers. How the fuck. Kobe Bryant, one of the greatest fucking top, what, two, three players of all time. Individual players, teammate. He was a fucking nightmare. You wait till that fucking confessional comes up. Let me sit there. Put in my password here. Stupid Laker fans always chanting MVP at the guy. I hate that. Celtic fans are chanting MVP at Isaiah Thomas. By the way, it reminds me of Laker fans that were always. Every time fucking Kobe stepped on the court and did not pass the ball and scored 40 points and they lose again and they. MVP. Did you see him dunk on that guy? And then they lost. Oh my God, he's unbelievable. Maybe if we get 58 free agents in here and fucking Phil Jackson, they can win a title. Mvp. All right. No, but he's. Dude, he's wearing the Kobe's. He's wearing the Kobe. I have to look these fucking sneakers up. How ugly these goddamn things are. And the fact that these fucking sneaker heads. You mean the Kobe's. I mean the rep sneakers. Those fucking cleats this guy's wearing. He looks like fucking Ken stabler out there. Kobe 11. You cannot tell me that this fucking. The computer doesn't listen to you. Oh my. Those are fucking dancing slippers. Jesus. At least he got the best. He got the best color. They come in pink. They come in red and white. They got a Miami Dolphin color. Dude, those literally look like women's sneakers. Like you should have like the low cut sock with the little ball on the back if you wear those fucking things. And I'm. Look, look, look at the 100 and 130 dollars. I bet this I bet if I went on YouTube and this and I looked up Kobe 11's I bet there's some fucking asshole sitting there licking the fuck. Who's a guy, Fat Joe did that in his MTV Cribs. And he goes, he had like, check these out. He's like, the fucking Jordan Sixes. And then he licked the bottom of them. It's like, dude, do you realize the sweatshop that those things were fucking made in? And you think those things didn't hit the ground in there? And God knows they probably don't let. They probably make those people go to the bathroom at their fucking station. And you're gonna lick the bottom of those goddamn sneakers. They were in a hermetically sealed sneaker box, dude. They were in a cardboard box and were shipped over here from the other side of the world. I think I'll put my tongue on them. All right, I'm gonna look this up. I'm gonna see if I could find that. I'm gonna find a fucking video here. Kobe 11's all right, I don't know why, but of the first video that came up, said exploding poo and a guy had shit on his face. Now I didn't think they did that type of stuff on fucking Kobe 11 shoes. All right? And some asshole's gonna do a fucking review. Nike Kobe 11 performance review dude, these are the ugliest fucking sneakers I've ever seen in my life. These ones are actually worse. Kobe Bryant gives LeBron James his autographed shoes. God, what the fuck do they talk about other than winning championship? That'd be like listening to fucking Superman and like fucking Batman talking. All right, Kobe gives away shoes to a fan. Here's I shit all over the guy. He's like the nicest guy ever. Kobe helps a busload of sick children get to the Staples center by towing it with his own body and his Kobe 11s. Alright, maybe I was wrong. Nike Kobe. I gotta get off this fucking subject. What am I listening to? Some guy do a fucking review of the sneakers. Nike Kobe 11 Performance Overview My initial thoughts. I fucking love you too. Who gives a F? I guess you guys are listening to my thoughts, but I'm just being a fucking moron. Anyways, let's get back to the goddamn game. All right, so Kelly Olenix out there and his Kobe Elevens. Dude, they were fucking crazy. Dude, you get a seven foot white guy in Kobe 11's it's over. I mean, the black guys are still going to go right around him and have their nuts in his face when they dunk on him. But I mean, his, his feet from the ankles down. It's. It's. It's over. It's going to be. It's a joke. It's literally a joke. All right, anyway, so we go, we watch this game. The owner of the Suns is a fucking riot. Totally. Just watching him riding the referees like old school guy, you know, right down there on the court watching the game. And, you know, he's not about some luxury box or anything like that, right? So anyway, so we're watching the game and the Celtics come out flat, which you knew they were gonna. You knew they were gonna because they've just beat the Lakers anytime. I'm telling you this right now. Gamblers, gamblers, anytime the. Any Boston team, right, I'd say the Bruins or the fucking Celtics go on that west coast trip, okay? If you want to make some money, bet against them, the day after, they play either the Clippers, the Kings, or the Lakers, because they go to la and after the game they all go out, they bang a bunch of broads, a bunch of actresses or whatever the it is they do. And then the next game, when they go to San Jose, down to Anaheim, out to Phoenix, up to Portland, whatever the they go next, there's always a letdown. So the Celtics come out flat, the fucking Suns are all over him. Whoever the guard was on the Suns was just as fast, it seems, as Isaiah. So he was right up on him, frustrating the hell out of him. Isaiah had, I think, four fouls in the first half. And so we're watching the game and I'm just going like, I knew it. I'm so excited to finally see this team. I've been watching, seen almost every game of this year, and they come out flat. I'm like, oh, man, am I really going to the fucking hangover game now? What do I give a shit? I got free fucking tickets. But still, you know, there's a bunch of Celtics fans there. They're all going fucking nuts and everything. We had, like nothing to cheer about. I think we were down by like 10 after the first half, and we just start chipping away, chipping away, chipping away. First half was ugly. I mean, it was like a. It was like a first quarter score with like four minutes to go. It was like 32, 27. It seemed maybe it was like six minutes to go. So at the half, I think they were both in like the 40s. I don't even remember. And. And I said, Paul jokingly, I go, you watch. They're both going to score over 100. They're going to heat up or whatever. So of course they come out and everybody starts hitting their shots. It turns into this great game. And then the fourth quarter comes and we start chipping away, chipping away, chipping away. We're down by like 10 or 11, then went down by 8, then went down by 5, and then went down by 4. Next thing you know, we're up by like 2. So you guys all know how the fucking game ends, right? We fucking missed. What's his face? Brown missed that foul shot, and Isaiah missed a foul shot. They would have fucking iced it. And we let him hang around. Hang around. Fucking hang around. In the end, I can't remember who was tied. We were up by one. It all happens. So, you know, it happens so fucking fast. When you're at the game and you don't have an announcer holding your hand, and you don't have something that you can actually look at. There's too much shit to look at. So we go to inbound the fucking ball, right? This guy goes around. Jay Crowder, I think, tied it up. We're like, fuck, right? That's right. We were up by two instead of being up by three and forcing him to take a three. And they probably would have missed a fucking thing. That's right. The guy goes right around Crowder, lays it in crowds, going nuts. There's like four seconds left. I go, all right, they're gonna try to get it to Isaiah Thomas. Let's see what happens. We fucking inbound the ball, Isaiah. One of the only times I've seen a mess up this year. Messed up the pass. He was kind of looking up court, you know, because there's only four seconds left before he caught the ball. They kick it out to this fucking dude. What the hell was his name? I actually wrote it down so I would give him the respect he deserves. Tyler Ulis, they kick it out to him, and he hits a three pointer at the buzzer to beat the Celtics. Now, here's the thing. I had second row seats, and guess what? I didn't even see the play. It happened on my end. You know why? Because the fucking assholes who were in the. They're in the front row. They inbound the ball, and they could see that, you know, Thomas was. Was it up? They stand up.
- [55:47]
Bill Burr
You're in the front fucking row.
- [55:49]
Paul Verzi
What are you standing up for? There's nothing in front of you, you fucking cunts. And all of a sudden, I just saw the ball go through the net, and everybody go and waa. The horn goes off. Everybody goes nuts. I go, what the fuck? Does that count? Did that just go in? What the fuck just happened? I had to go home to watch the replay to see what the fuck happened. I was sitting in the second row. I couldn't see it because these fucking assholes stood up in front of me. I don't. I don't understand standing up when nothing's in your way. Haven't you ever heard that expression, why stand when you can sit? Why sit when you can lay down? Why stand up when you're in the front row? What is blocking your goddamn view? Anyways, all right, I'm done fucking bitching here. I had a. I had a great time. And evidently, Kobe 11s are fucking crazy, man. You know, dude, Chris Everett should wear that fucking sneaker. That's what it looks like. Looks like the one. The different colored ones are like, you know? Do you know something? That is a testament to how great Kobe Bryant was, you know? It's almost like he's so fucking good. Nike was at the factory going, like, how fucking ugly. Do you think we could make a sneaker if we put your name on it? These people that lick the bottom of the fucking sneaker, will they still buy these goddamn things? You know what? Now that I'm looking at them, because I'm an old man, they don't look like you'd play basketball great. They look comfortable as hell as far as when they're in a different color, I guess they look like slippers. Now, here's the thing I want to. I want to fucking ask you. Kobe had that horrific Achilles injury, I swear to God, which is. Is like, that was the end of anybody's career. That is like the classic old man basketball injury is you go to take a step in, your Achilles goes right up the back of your leg. I mean, I don't even. Obviously, I don't play hoop at all, but I still. I'm always stretching my Achilles, I swear to God, before I get out of bed. I don't know what it is about that injury. I just know, like, five or six people that have had it, and I want no part of it. I want no fucking. You never walk right again. I mean, if you got Kobe's money, you know, you can go to Germany and meet the grandsons of the Nazi fucking doctors, and they'll spin your fucking blood in a centrifuge, whatever the fuck they do. And then you come back and you can still dunk or whatever you Know, but most people don't have Kobe money. So what's going to happen is, is you're going to go down to the veterinarian down the street and he's going to sew that thing back and you're never going to. You're never going to be, you know, that's it. God help you if you're ever in a situation where there's panic and the crowd starts running and it's a stampede and you've blown out your Achilles at some point in your life, that's. You're going to get trampled. You know, you're going to be that zebra in the Serengeti that gets eaten by the fucking alligator is basically what's going to happen. But you know, he has the low tops. I wonder. That probably had nothing to do with it. I'm just surprised guys are wearing low top fucking sneakers again. Like, it's because, you know, I don't pay attention to this shit. I usually watch hockey, right? And verse, he's going like, no, no, no. Kobe kind of brought the low tops back. Everybody's wearing them. So I looked out on the court and I saw a number of people with low tops. So people still had like these high top sneakers on, but the amount of ones like that, they were like Velcro, you know, like a little kid, he can't tie his sneakers. They had like Velcro high tops with like a fucking belt around your ankle. And I was. I don't know. I don't know about those either. You know what's hilarious? How arrogant I am that I actually think that the world Cares what a 48 year old white guy thinks about fucking sneakers. Why don't you just get a pair of shell toes? So anyways, we went to the goddamn gang and we had a great fucking time. Robert Sarver and his family are great. We met. We met him briefly and just talked to him. Just great. People like that guy. Dude, if I was a Phoenix fan, I would be very happy with that guy as an owner. Even though I know you guys are rebuilding. That guy fucking loves his team. There's a lot of owners, they don't give a shit. You know, they own a team so they can have hookers and blow up in a suite. Dude, that guy, he was. It looked like he. I was gonna say, it's like he had money on the game and he does. He's paying the fucking players anyways. All right, so let's plow ahead here. I should probably read some goddamn advertising right here. All right. Loot crate. Oh, give me the loot crate. All right. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Let's get back to the fucking podcast. So I've been listening to a bunch of fucking old school country. Not all the way back to Hank Williams, but like that outlaw shit, you know, right before the outlaw shit. Is George Jones considered outlaw? I don't know. But listening to him led obviously.
- [61:08]
Bill Burr
To.
- [61:08]
Paul Verzi
All of these other guys, right? And I ended up listening. I remember that. This song. Do you guys remember Johnny Paycheck? Johnny Paycheck was this country singer and he. I swear to God, he had a hit song called Take this Job and Shove It. And it was such a hit, it so struck a chord with people that they actually turned it into a movie. There was actually a movie called Take this Job and Shove was just. It was about a guy who was working in a job that he hated, and he wanted to tell him, you know, basically tell him to go fuck themselves, but he didn't have the nerve. And I think it was because the lyric was, someday I'm gonna get the nerve to say it. And everybody could relate to it being like, hey, I also hate my fucking life and I want to make a change, but I don't know how to do it. You know what I mean? It's like the whole Donald Trump fucking phenomenon, not the informed people, you know what I mean? I'm talking about the mouth breather, you know? I mean, like with Hillary Clinton, you had the informed person that wanted to vote for her, and then you had the hissy fit. Fucking dope. This will be great for women. Like, your life was really gonna fucking change. I swear to God, I just don't. I don't. I don't understand adults who haven't fucking figured it out yet that you're. You're on your own, okay? Playtime is over. Nobody cares about you, okay? I don't care what color their fucking tie or their bra is. They don't the level of money that you have to have, and then you have to give it to these people for you to even be on their radar. You have to be going to these ten thousand, a hundred thousand, fifty thousand dollar plate dinners with them. And then you have to stand in a line of people that all paid that money, okay? And you got to get up there with your shape shifter lizard eyeballs, and you got to try to peer into their soul. I didn't think you'd talk to him. You just walk up with a napkin that says how much money you're going to give to them and then you're on their fucking radar. Has nothing to do with your genitalia. Anyways, so all the. Okay, so I'm getting off the rails here. So this guy Johnny Paycheck, he's got this song called Take this Job and Shove It. It's the funniest. Just. There's no way to listen to this song and not just be. I played it for Paul Versi. He was crying, laughing. He goes, this can't be a real song. I go, dude, not only is a real song, I was turned into a movie. Just the way he says shove it. His voice drops way down. He goes, take this job and shove it. I ain't working here no more. My woman done left took all the reasons I was working for. These are the actual lyrics. You better not try to stand in my way. Cause I'm walking out the door. You could take this job and shove it. I ain't working here no more than the stupid bass line comes on and he gets all like kind of quiet, you know. When a redneck gets quiet, you know, and starts talking, leans in, it's scary, you know, non whiteies, even for white people, that's scary. There is nothing scarier than a redneck leaning in at a bar thinking that we're all on the same team. That's some fucked up shit. Because you're immediately like, I don't want to do. I don't. I don't want any part of what you're about. Ready to tell me, sir. And I want to try to get out of this conversation gracefully. How do I dismount out of this conversation? That the second they. When a fucking redneck looks the opposite way of the conversation and then leans in, I'm telling you, there should be like a. An injector seat on your bar stool to get you the out of. Where'd he go? Did I get left behind? So I swear to God. So when he gets into the verse, right, he. It's like he's leaning in. I've been working in this factory for now on 15 years. All this time I watch my woman drowning in a pool of tears, you know? And what I love about all those old school country songs is that fucking women always leave. They're always crying or whatever, but these fucking assholes, they never say why. And whenever I listen to these songs, it's just like, dude, what the fuck were you doing? I get it. You're working at this factory. You don't like the job. Why is your woman Drowning in a pool of tears. What the. I mean, are you taking this fucking. So you don't have the balls to try to get a better job, tell your boss to fuck off. So what happens? You come home, you take it out on your wife? Is that what you're doing? I've had shit jobs. I've had low pay for the first fucking. I don't know how many years of being a comedian was a low paying job. I never had a girlfriend drowning in a pool of tears. I mean, I definitely made him cry, but that's because I was an asshole. Had nothing to do with my. Fuck. I wouldn't blame my job. I've been featuring on the road for now on 16 years. One of these days. Anyways, you got. You just listen to the fucking song. You got to hear this song. You got it, Johnny Paycheck. I know I'm making fun of him, but I actually, I don't know, there's something about this. I listen to this fucking song and it just gives me all kinds of ideas for characters and shit like that and movies and whatever. But I've been downloading George Jones. George Jones, Tammy Wynette, all of these fucking people, and I swear to God, you gotta. You gotta listen to George Jones these days. These days I Barely get by is inadvertently one of the funniest fucking songs you're ever gonna listen to your life. Do you have one of those friends that just calls up and complains all the time and you try to help them out and go, hey, well, what if you do? Nah, I can't do that. Blah, blah, the fucking guy who's just resigned himself, you know, hey, with my luck, this would X, Y and Z would happen. It's like, yeah, with that fucking attitude, that's exactly what's gonna happen. You know what I mean? I got a couple friends like that. After a while you're just like, dude, you're a white guy in the United States of America. How far down the fucking track before the race starts do you have to be. Jesus fucking Christ. How the fuck are you complaining? Complaining? I'm not saying that white people should not complain, okay? I know there's a lot of people drowning in the pool of tears. One of these days I'm going to get them. I'm going to blow my top. It's like, dude, why don't you just address the fact that you don't like your job, Apply from some other jobs if you don't have the training, take some night courses, you know, get the training. You Need. Instead of sitting there seething, coming home, taking it out on your fucking woman. George Jones has another fucking song called the Grand Tour. Listen to. I'm telling you, you got to listen to these fucking songs, right? I listen to that song. It's like, george, what in the fuck did you do to your woman? It's like, step right up. Come on in. If you'd want to take the grand tour of a lonely house that once was home sweet home, you're like, jesus Christ. And this motherfucker, he goes through his whole house. Over there is the chair where she'd bring the paper to me and sit down on my knee and whisper, oh, I love you. You're like, jesus Christ. Right there. You want to get out of the house? This motherfucker won't stop. Straight ahead is the bed where we lay in love. I'm sorry, dumpling dude. He gets all the way to the nursery. You're like, oh, Jesus Christ. And he goes, she took the baby. And the key thing in all of this is he says, there's her rings and her things, and it's like, this woman left all of her stuff and took the baby. George, what the did you do to her? This woman didn't leave you. She fled the fucking scene. There's some sort of detail you're not fucking giving me here. Where are the empty booze bottles? I mean, I actually listened to that song. I feel bad for the woman in his life. Until I found out she left. Then I actually feel good. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Get that kid out of there, too. I mean, I'm supposed to feel bad for you? Sounds like you went out back to chop some wood, and she just grabbed. She saw some daylight, somehow got the chains off around her fucking ankles, grabbed the kid, and got the fuck out of there. Anyways, let's read some. There's gonna be some pure country. Fans are gonna be like, you're missing the point, man. Take this job and shove it. I ain't working. Hear the more. All right, proflowers, everybody. Woman done left me My woman done left me hey, Johnny, Paycheck. Come on. It's just you and me. Well, what did she. What? What did you do? You know, I imagine if she around on you, you would have mentioned it. All right, maybe I'm taking these fucking songs a little too seriously. I have a problem with that. Like, when I listen to rap music, you know, like, who's. Who's that new group that. Everybody's Migos. When I. When I watch their videos, and shit. And they're coming up in those supercars and they're holding the fucking money out. It just, it literally I have to look in the other direction. It just drives me nuts seeing artists doing that. I just. I'm always thinking in my head, please, please buy some real estate. Please don't blow it all on fucking Kobe 11's oh my God, dude. Watching artists, watching people who don't understand money, I guess. But I would say artists, you know, the shit that we fucking do, it's just the dumbest, you know, it's another stupid fucking thing. I love these people that buy watches that are like you. It's like, dude, that thing, you could hang that on the fucking wall. I'd know what time it was from across the room. Why do you have that on that on your wrist? The amount of guys that are like my height and my size walking around with a watch that only would look right on like a offensive lineman is. It's. It's like, did you take that out of a submarine? Is, is that like deep sea scuba diving shit? So you can, you can go down to like, what, 9,000ft and the, the goddamn dial won't bust on it? I got me a big old watch. People in a different time zone can tell what time it is. Take this watch and shove it. All right, I'm getting up against it here. You know what I'm doing today, by the way? I'm gonna go see old Cleo. I'm gonna see my dog Cleo. The people that ended up getting her from us live out here. So I'm actually going to get to see her. I'm visiting her today and tomorrow and I can't wait to see her and everything. She's probably not even going to give a shit because she's probably so in love with the other people. Because I kind of realized that going well, she was in love with the people that had her before us. And within a week, she fucking loved us. I mean, dogs just. They adapt. They just fucking adapt. So I got another five minutes here and then I got to take off. So I got time for like one question here. Let me see, let me get. Let me get a good one here. Righty? Alrighty. Hey, dictator. Bill. I'm 19 years old and I've been with my girlfriend. My Wilma Don left. I'm with my girlfriend now for two years. I know what you're thinking. Too young for all these silly problems. That's not what I'm thinking. I'm thinking, good for you. Way to go. Way to go, fella. Anyway, for the first year of our relationship, literally everything was perfect. I still love her just as much as I did then. I'm sure she loves me just as much. However, during the second year of our relationship. Relationship an overnight shift changed and then we stopped having sex. It's basically non existent. And now and again every couple of months it will happen. But I know she's not enjoying it. This is because she was on the implant contraception injection. At first I was questioning myself and if it was me that wasn't getting her in the mood anymore. But she promises me that it isn't because of the implant plan. She says it's that it. What the is a contraception injection? Jesus. I. I mean I've never heard of that. It's an injection so you won't get pregnant. Dude, if you literally told me contraception actually meant it's gonna get you pregnant, I would believe that too. That's like one of those words that I just ignored my whole life, you know, like soliloquy, like what the fuck does that mean, you know? Contraception implant. Official site get the facts. Fuck that. I don't want facts. I want pictures. Images. Okay, they're showing it that it's nice and small. For some reason they keep putting it up against their bicep. They stick it in your fucking arm. What? This looks like some fucking robot shit. Okay, it's birth control implant. They stick a fucking toothpick in your arm and then you can't have a baby.
- [76:05]
Bill Burr
I don't get it.
- [76:06]
Paul Verzi
Anyways. Well, yeah, that's probably fucking annoying to have it in there, you know what I mean? She goes to hug you and the inside of her arm hurts. Anyways, after first I was questioning myself, blah, blah. She says that it, that it has caused her to completely lose her sex drive. She says she just had it removed and it's been a few weeks since and nothing has changed yet. I feel so much resentment towards her every day and what I can only describe as depression as soon as I see her. Most of the time I find myself being such an angry, short tempered person now when normally I'm usually happy and smiling. Ah, Jesus. Might be time to get out of this relationship, buddy. But you know something, if it really affected her like that, it depends on how long she had it in there. Maybe she needs longer than two weeks. But you know, if you can be an angry lunatic, I mean if you don't leave eventually she's going to. But you know what, you get yourself A song on it, A warm and darn port. A toothpick in her arm. Now she won't suck my dick. One of these days I'm gonna whip it out and wipe it on the wall. You can take my dick and shove it right in your fucking mouth, you whore. Ba doo doo doo doo, ba doo doo. Okay. I always try. I always seem to try and hide my need for sex and act like I don't ever want it, and tried to show disinterest, but I never can. I guess it just must be more important to me than it is to her. I never thought sex was such a big deal, but the last year has taught me that when there's bad sex life in a relationship, it can really cause the whole thing to just break down. It just got to the point, now that I've said we need some space and a break, because the last thing I want is to ruin our relationship. Dude, you're fucking miserable, man. And you have to, you have to, you know, you gotta be with somebody and, like, understand them and, you know, be there when they're going through a tough time. But, like, you know, if they're not understanding how fucking miserable you are, you're just gonna, you're just gonna keep getting more miserable, and then, you know, then they're gonna be miserable, and then in the end, they're gonna fucking break up with you, and you're gonna be like, what the fuck? I should have done that to them. Breaking up with somebody is not something you should do to them. It's something you should do for yourself. All right? This is the deal, dude, you're not fucking happy, all right? You're not happy. It's great that you're taking a fucking break. And I would go out and I'd fucking go try to enjoy myself and meet somebody that doesn't have a fucking toothpick in their arm, that doesn't want to touch my dick, you know? I mean, that's just getting down to brass tacks here. That's what's going on, right? They stuck that shit in her, and now you can't stick your shit in her. So, I mean, why you got to get the fuck out? I get out. You're young, dude. You're 19. What, are you gonna marry her? What, are you in the military? People in the military get married when they're 19, you know? My woman, Don Lap, that's what you do. I, I, it just sounds like you sound like you, you need, like, a long time away from each other. The way that was read dude, that sounded like a 40 year old guy wrote that. And you're 19, so that's kind of a good sign that maybe you should get the fuck out, who knows? But I would not say anything mean. I would not. And I just, you know, you want to be able to see the person again and not get a glass to the head, you know what I mean? That's kind of what you're going for. So the art form is you just tell them how you're feeling. You know, I'm just not happy. I'm sorry. That's just how I feel. I'm just not happy. And I'm finding myself less and less happy and it's affecting my moods, everything you just said. And I'm finding that I'm getting angry and I don't want to be angry around you and create any misery in your life. So as much as this is going to hurt you, I'm walking out the door. You can take this relationship, shove it, that's it. Then walk out the door, you know, and you probably walk out that door and you'll be sad a little bit and you walk a little more, then you start skipping and then you're running down the street. Yeah, you know, it might be one of those breakups or it could be the one, oh, why did I do it? I don't know. But you're 19, you know, if you got the whole, you got your whole life ahead of you, you don't need to be in this. This sounds like you're married. I'd get out. All right, that's it. Okay. And that's the podcast for this week. Go yourselves. I will check in on you on, on Thursday. And that's it. I'll let you know how seeing old Cleo the next couple of days is, which is going to be fucking awesome. And it's also, you know what? I'm psyched that, you know, we got a cool family and, you know, I think I'll come out to Phoenix a couple times a year, you know, do a run of shows like I'm doing here. Go to a game or something like that. I'll hang with the dog. It's kind of nice, you know. Alright, that's it. I'll talk to you guys on Thursday.
- [81:11]
Unknown
Is felt once the cord's death with the impact of roundhouse kicks from black belts that attack them White clones like cyclones or typhoons I represent from midnight to high noon I don't waste ink I think I drop megaton bombs more faster than your blink. Cause rhyme's thoughts travel at a tremendous speed through clouds of smoke of natural blends of weed Only under one circle Circumstances if I'm blunted Turn that up My clan in the front want it now when the MCs came tell about the name Antica Tooth before something had to snorkel.