Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 12-19-24 w/ ADAM RAY

Summary

Podcast Summary: Monday Morning Podcast with Adam Ray

Podcast Information:

• Title: Monday Morning Podcast
• Host/Author: All Things Comedy
• Description: Bill Burr rants about relationship advice, sports, and the Illuminati.
• Episode: Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 12-19-26 w/ ADAM RAY
• Release Date: December 19, 2024

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1. Introduction and Guest Highlight

In this episode, Bill Burr welcomes comedian Adam Ray as his special guest. Bill introduces Adam with enthusiasm, highlighting his recent successes and his latest Netflix special, "Adam Ray, Dr. Phil Unleashed".

Bill Burr [00:57]: "Adam Ray is Dr. Phil unleashed. It's on Netflix. It features myself and real Dr. Phil."

2. Evolution of Stand-Up Comedy

The hosts delve into a discussion about the evolution of stand-up comedy from the late 1970s to the present day. They reflect on how character-based comedy was once prevalent but shifted towards more minimalist performances in the 1990s. The conversation touches on the rise of alternative comedy scenes and their eventual decline.

Paul Verzi [03:38]: "Nobody said anything. Yeah, the whole country loved him."

3. Adam Ray's Special and Dr. Phil Parody

Adam Ray shares insights into his Netflix special, where he parodies Dr. Phil. The duo humorously brainstorms fictional backstories for Dr. Phil, imagining him as a corrupt cop who transitions into a therapist.

Adam Ray [06:14]: "Have him be this fucking guy like robbing liquor stores and doing. Then realizing that this is not the way I need to learn how to get along with people."

4. Personal Anecdotes: Fraternity and Pet Stories

Bill Burr recounts his experiences in a fraternity during his college years, highlighting the hazing rituals and social dynamics. He humorously describes interactions with fellow fraternity members and the absurdity of certain traditions.

Bill Burr [55:01]: "You're just trying to perform. Raised my hand and they was laughing."

The conversation shifts to stories about aggressive pets, particularly big cats like lions and tigers. They discuss the dangers of owning exotic animals and share frightening encounters they've witnessed.

Paul Verzi [86:00]: "There's no fucking way. This podcast is just slowly becoming... [Animal Attacks Discussion]"

5. Listener Questions and Relationship Advice

The podcast features a segment where listeners submit personal dilemmas. Two main questions are addressed:

• Age Difference in Relationships: A listener seeks advice on dating someone seven years younger, with a concerning history of meeting as a minor. Bill Burr advises stepping away from dysfunctional relationships and emphasizes personal growth.

  Bill Burr [119:45]: "You need some self-esteem there, buddy."

• Pet Conflicts in Relationships: Another listener grapples with dating someone who recently got a pet rat, which he finds uncomfortable. Bill suggests setting clear boundaries and understanding each other's needs to navigate such conflicts.

  Bill Burr [156:56]: "Do you want to buy yourself something nice with these picks."

6. Movies and Media Commentary

The hosts discuss various movies, including classics like "Home Alone" and recent releases such as "Oppenheimer." They critique character portrayals, plot developments, and the evolving nature of film narratives.

Paul Verzi [28:03]: "This was like a comedy education thing."

7. Sports Talk: NFL Week 16 Analysis

A significant portion of the podcast is dedicated to sports, particularly NFL Week 16. The hosts analyze team performances, player injuries, and playoff prospects. They offer predictions on game outcomes, emphasizing key players and strategic decisions.

Jake the Snake [144:36]: "I think, I think you go for the blowout."

8. Closing Remarks and Announcements

As the episode wraps up, Bill Burr and Adam Ray promote upcoming projects and events. They highlight Adam Ray's 25-city theater tour and his Netflix special, encouraging listeners to check out his work.

Bill Burr [62:10]: "Check out adamraycomy.com for all the Dr. Phil live theater tour dates."

The hosts also give shout-outs to previous guests and sponsors, maintaining the podcast's lively and engaging atmosphere.

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Notable Quotes:

• Bill Burr [18:07]: "He lets the Hollywood stereotype of the wise old Southern man with the sayings."
• Adam Ray [37:03]: "I love that pick, dude. I wish I saw it for what it was."
• Paul Verzi [55:03]: "But I never. I never. I would do silly."

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Conclusion:

This episode of the Monday Morning Podcast offers a blend of humor, personal stories, insightful discussions on comedy and media, heartfelt listener advice, and passionate sports analysis. Bill Burr and Adam Ray create an engaging dialogue that entertains while addressing a variety of relatable topics.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Adam Ray]

Hey, what's. Okay.

[Paul Verzi]

Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I started a spit. That's why I do a little fucking lizard thing there with my tongue. You know the deal. If I'm on camera. It's not my typical narcissist, look at me shit. It means I have a very special guest, and today is no different. Like all the other days when I have a. I would say it's no different. Like, it's special, but no, this is it. This guy's absolutely fucking hilarious. He's been killing it as a comedian. I did a roast with him a long time ago for David Ortiz. He played a Yankee fan. He was amazing. And since then, he's been killing it. He's doing this Dr. Phil character. It's been blowing up. He's got a new special. Here we go, everybody. The one and only Adam Ray. Adam Ray, everybody. What's going on, Billy? How are you?

[Bill Burr]

I'm doing great, man.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, all right. First, let's get it out of the way. You got a new special. What's the name? Where's it at?

[Bill Burr]

It's called Adam Ray. Dr. Phil. Adam Ray is Dr. Phil unleashed. It's on Netflix. It features myself and real Dr. Phil. Who would have thunk that when I called you and I tell the story all the time, when I was like, all right, I think I want to do. I sent Bill bur. A. A voice note, and I was like, I. I think I want to do this, like, weird late night show where I'm dressing up as Dr. Phil. I don't know what it. What it looks like. I do a monologue, I do some. Some sketches. You come out, we chat, we. You couldn't have been quicker to be like, yes, make fun of my anger issues. Let's do it. Which gave me so much juice to actually follow through, because I think, you know, I don't know if you can attest to this, but anytime you are throwing a big dart for just a new project, you know, you're meeting yourself with some. You know, at least for me, I was considering, like, oh, I'm going to do it at the store where I feel comfy. But now I'm going to step out of my comfort zone because comics might judge or the staff is going to be like, what is he doing? It's not stupid. Stand up. And you, being so pumped, washed all that away. So God bless you for that.

[Paul Verzi]

Plus, there's so much now that isn't stand up. Like, it was like the. The Roast Battle. Yes, the. The. The. The. The. Make fun of the open micrs. Kill Tony.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Kill Tony show started there.

[Bill Burr]

At the end of the day, it sounded fun and I was like, I want to do it. And we sold it out in 20 minutes because of you. And it was so fun. And dude, look at all those shows.

[Paul Verzi]

Roast Battle blew up. Kill Tony blew up.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And now you.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. And so who would have thought, though, literally a little over a year later from that episode when we were just around that then Real Phil comes on. So it's on Netflix. Check it out. What's Dr. Phil unleashed? Is what we called it. Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Well, you know, it's funny is when I first started watching stand up in like the late 70s. Oh, wow. There was so much like, what's happening now?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, really?

[Paul Verzi]

Like, yeah. You could go on stage and basically do whatever. You gotta remember like that Uncle Milti Milton Burroughs spent 90% of his professional life in a dress. He was in drag.

[Bill Burr]

Nobody said anything.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah, the whole country loved him. Whatever. And then somewhere in the 80s, doing a character became hacky. And then by the 90s, it got to the point, like, purest were like, you know, if you even had to move, you know, they would just be like, you know, so and so. Dude, he just stands there and does his jokes and he's killing. That is stand up comedy. You're like, what's his face in no country for Old Men? Where he didn't blink when he was playing the serial killer. It's like, if you just stand there and don't move a muscle. Why did the chicken cross the road? It got all the way to there.

[Bill Burr]

And then up until when. When did it shift again?

[Paul Verzi]

Alternate comedy, alternative comedy scene, which a lot of people sort of had a negative view toward. Towards the end, including myself, I was just like. Because they were carrying themselves like they were all these brilliant people. But what it. And that they were better than club comics.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Paul Verzi]

Club comics started that scene.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Paul Verzi]

That's what they didn't know. So by the time, like I would say, like the early 90s, stand up had become so like. I don't know, it was just sort of like, this is what comedy is and fuck all other comedy. And these great comics that. That wanted to do other stuff felt too contained.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Paul Verzi]

So they just started a room where you could just kind of do a bunch of other shit.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And that's what Started the alt scene. It was just like anything, any other scene where it was, it, it started, it was exciting, it was great. And then it plateaued and then it became Walmart and then, and then it just tanked. So like, like I feel like, you know, certain, like right now there's certain stand up scenes that that are. Have now become Walmart.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Even though they think they're fucking cutting edge and dangerous, as we all fucking do. It's like, no, you guys are kind of mainstream or whatever. And then, then it just sort of like people just. It's like music. They just get like, you know, grunge is here. Oh, this can be here forever. Nope, gone. Hair metal gone. Yeah, so it kind of works like that.

[Bill Burr]

That's what's great about the Comedy Store too, is that it does. I like that I started the show there because it does feel comfy and familiar and does feel like I'm not doing like putting it on like a Largo, a place I don't go to a lot or just a place that might feel more appropriate for like a different show. Like I like that it's. It took off there and is adding, you know, just adding another layer to the store.

[Paul Verzi]

And I want to add a layer to Dr. Phil because I always felt he looked like a corrupt cop. And I always thought that he would have that, you know, back in the day, those cop movies, he would always have like you'd have like a taped up pistol for a murder or just like a plant, like drugs or whatever.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And that's what I would say about him, that he looked like he, you know, planted a knife on a Puerto Rican that he shouldn't have shot. And they let him walk the blue coat of silence. And then he became a therapist.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, it's a decoy. Yeah, yeah. No, there is a great, like somebody pitches to me like, did you see the Weird Al movie that Roku did?

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, it was amazing.

[Bill Burr]

So that with like Dr. Phil. So showing like young Phil being in a class in a suit, peer mediating between like kids, right?

[Paul Verzi]

Oh yeah.

[Bill Burr]

You know, with like a. But a young kid, like getting to see a five year old being like, what you guys got to do is start sharing your vegetables at the like whatever it is. And then seeing him. I mean, dude, that scene with like.

[Adam Ray]

Tom Lennon, just go the other way with it.

[Paul Verzi]

Have him be this fucking guy like robbing liquor stores and doing. Then realizing that this is not the way I need to learn how to get along with people. Because then he sort of Dr. Phil the whole fucking time? Yeah, we're creating it right now.

[Bill Burr]

I think so.

[Paul Verzi]

Okay, Real time.

[Bill Burr]

Let's pitch it.

[Paul Verzi]

I would have a production company. There has to be a moment in his life, in his origin story, where he first notices he's starting to lose his hair and he's devastated as a bald man. What's that, like, might be. You can't believe it. You're just going like, oh, my God, I'm one of those guys.

[Bill Burr]

Wow.

[Paul Verzi]

And then one day you embrace it and you shave your head. And then you get to play in all the movies what you really are, which is I'm a fucking asshole.

[Jake the Snake]

Wow.

[Paul Verzi]

And up until then, when I just. When I had the hair, I couldn't get arrested as an asshole, but I could be.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, shit. Oh, yokey doki. And it's just not who I was.

[Paul Verzi]

No, but they had. Yeah, I was.

[Bill Burr]

They had enough of those guys.

[Paul Verzi]

I was in the redhead drawer. See all of. There's all of these. These races, sexuality and all that shit where they talk about Hollywood. Like, they stop with their shit going like, you know, as a gay man, but blah, blah, blah, blah. They go like that. But they don't understand that even, like white people. They like, dude, you. You back in the 90s that you would like with those glasses, if that was your fucking headshot. You're the smart guy. You could be a scientist.

[Bill Burr]

You could be behind the computer.

[Paul Verzi]

White lab coat. White lab coat. I'm in the redhead drawer, which is. I'm the guy getting bullied. I'm the one going, okay, Fonz. Like, that was that. And then if. If you had like the jet black hair with the square jaw, you got the girl and you got the gun. That was just. That was it. That was how it fucking straying from that. That's how it worked. That's how it worked. But then people started writing their own shit. Like, what's the guy's name there from the Fast and the Furious? How he got discovered Vin Diesel. Yeah, he got discovered. He wrote a short and I guess Spielberg saw him and then put him in Saving Private Ryan.

[Bill Burr]

Spielberg discovered Vin Diesel.

[Paul Verzi]

He. I.

[Bill Burr]

Can we get a Google on this?

[Paul Verzi]

Okay. Yeah, I did. He saw him in. Well, he saw him in a short. I think there's a member. And then he put him in. It's so funny because, like, he put him in Saving Private Ryan and there was nobody like him. And like. Like the way he looked, the way he sound and everything.

[Adam Ray]

And.

[Paul Verzi]

And he was so great in that movie.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, we're not talking about Barry Pepper. Wasn't he also in.

[Paul Verzi]

Barry Pepper was in the Sniper. Yeah. We're going to go through the whole thing. Matt Damon, they found him. Tom Hanks.

[Bill Burr]

So good.

[Paul Verzi]

Tom Hanks. I'm watching one. I'm watching the Coen brother movie. He did Lady Killers.

[Adam Ray]

I. I started so good.

[Paul Verzi]

I.

[Adam Ray]

Yes.

[Bill Burr]

It's under. It's an underrated Hanks movie.

[Paul Verzi]

100%.

[Bill Burr]

It just. It. He's just done too much shit that it just. You can't. They can't all be, I don't know, critically acclaimed, but, like.

[Paul Verzi]

No, I also feel like he really went for it, and it's just that weird laugh that he does.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

I was kind of like, no. Cuz people told me, like, you know, it's a Coen brother movie.

[Adam Ray]

They're all great.

[Paul Verzi]

This one isn't their best one. So I was like, all right. So I had, like, no expectations, and I was just sitting there. I'm like an hour in, still waiting for it to be not that good. I'm like, I'm fucking enjoying the shit out of this.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. Why wouldn't you?

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Also, Hanks, like, it's one of the few times he did, you know, I think he played Walt Disney in the Banks movie and then Gump. But, like, that's his. That's, to me, his, like, where he, you know.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Tried a character and really, like, jumped into something different. You know, catch me if you can.

[Paul Verzi]

He tried something to.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Try to do a little Boston accent. I'm forgiven of that.

[Bill Burr]

How do you feel when people try to put on the Boston accent?

[Paul Verzi]

I don't have a problem with it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Because what it is, is, like, the thing about it is, is if you're not from somewhere, you have to do it 100%. You have to do it, like, better than the people that do it.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Paul Verzi]

For people to actually give it up.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Paul Verzi]

Because I remember going to Fargo, North Dakota, they were like, you know. You know, they were. We don't talk like that. They didn't say it like that, but it's kind of like, all right, but don't you kind of.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Aren't you kind of like. It's just. Look, it wasn't that flattering.

[Bill Burr]

What's the Seattle accent? When you were up there for your special and you spent. That was probably the most time you spent there. Right.

[Paul Verzi]

There's not a.

[Bill Burr]

There's not a Seattle accent. But I want to see if you picked up from your observations, because people always say to me, they're like, you don't have an accent or what? Like. Or they go.

[Paul Verzi]

Seattle is like a legit city where it's like you have the hipster transitioning area. Capitol Hill.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Then you have. Down near the wharf, you have your tourists. That's your sort of Times Square.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

So around there, you have your junkies where it's shady, you get scared. And then I haven't found it. Oh, yeah. Then you have, like, your. Your. Your Malibu. Where Bill Gates and Mercer Island.

[Bill Burr]

Bellevue. Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

The Zillow guy lives, right?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And then. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Russell Wilson had a house over there.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. And then you got some cool college sports. I love Seattle.

[Bill Burr]

You do?

[Paul Verzi]

I love Seattle. And I. And I don't ever lump Seattle in with Portland, Oregon.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you. If there's anything you take from this podcast, it's that I get very. And then I have to go. Portland's great, but it's just like, they're so different.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah, it's.

[Bill Burr]

It's like, Yeah, I don't.

[Paul Verzi]

Portland is very easy to just think it's a giant silver lake, like, back in the day, Silver Lake, hipster thing. But, like, it is that. It isn't that either. It's not all food trucks and people saying, these are my pronouns. That's just like, you know. You know, it's funny with all my. All my east coast friends, when they talk about la, especially New Yorkers, it's the funniest shit ever. Like, oh, you're doing yoga with your green juice and all this. Yup, yup. That's what we're doing. We're doing this. Even though they do that in Hawaii. But that's your idea of anything with a palm tree. They don't know anything. I always tell them. I go, dude, go to Burbank. You'll see more Trump signs.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, 1,000.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. And you just gun stores there. And all right. On the other side of that Hollywood sign is people that you would totally fucking vibe with, and they don't even, you know, I don't. I don't know. Like, it's.

[Bill Burr]

Every city's got pockets that I don't think any place is completely, you know, leveled out the same.

[Paul Verzi]

I lived in New York for 12 years. I never once did I hear somebody go, oh, I'm walking here.

[Bill Burr]

Well, you got to get out more. They're everywhere.

[Paul Verzi]

No, they're not.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. You never had somebody give a fuck. You crossing a shoulder bump and a.

[Paul Verzi]

I know, but it wasn't the stereotype. What I. What I saw Was. You know, it's. I don't know. I. It's. We have such, like, a Sports back and forth with them.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

That it's hard for me to be objective.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

But I kind of like, when I look at Boston, New York, and Philly, it's all this. It's the same kind of meathead, but different.

[Bill Burr]

Right.

[Paul Verzi]

It's definitely. It's. But it's like, you can. It's almost like when they try to, like, come. Who came up with pizza? Who came up with this gumbo or whatever. And it's like some people claim it came from here, other people claim. And it's basically people from all those areas moved far enough apart and just kept messing with it. So. But it's. That is. I feel Philly up to Boston is. You know, you have the bread basket.

[Bill Burr]

Yes.

[Paul Verzi]

Okay. This is the meathead corridor. And I'm one of them. Like, it is some of the dumbest, funniest, and most knowledgeable in sports.

[Bill Burr]

Meatheads have contributed a lot to this country.

[Paul Verzi]

Reality shows. I mean, Austin people kill it on reality show. New York, people kill it.

[Bill Burr]

Most athletes are meatheads. Right.

[Paul Verzi]

I think the Philly meathead is a little underrated because I feel like they reduce them to just the idiots that go to their sporting events. And I feel like they're like a parody themselves at this point, 1,000%. It's just like, oh, I'm from Philly. There's a camera on. I got to say some wild shit.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

But it's actually when you go there, like, there's a. There's like a toughness to that city. You know, that's. It's not. It's not that jackass vibe that they put out there. Like, I just puked on a midget. Go, Eagles. You know, whatever they do, you know.

[Bill Burr]

My first taste of New York before I even went there, was from a Geraldo bit where he was. I think it was from his first album, where he goes. I was on the subway in New York, and I heard a guy scream across the tracks, yo, Monica. Yo, Monica, you got aids, yo. And he goes, wow. That's how they tell you. Do you remember that? It was like, he's like, well, our health care system is so I guess. And then. But, like, I heard that, and I hadn't. I think I maybe been to New York for, like, a day, but I hadn't taken the subway. I hadn't done anything like that. So that I was going into it being like. Like you said, I can't wait to see the aggressiveness on the sidewalks or the. Forget about it. I have seen people get hit by cabs on delivery bikes, and that's wild.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, no, the bikes have.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, that is like, this is pre E bike and Uber and just. I was in a cab once.

[Paul Verzi]

Nobody got hit by a guy on a bike the entire time before. Those E bikes.

[Bill Burr]

I know.

[Paul Verzi]

And now they're just.

[Bill Burr]

They're going faster than bikes should go.

[Paul Verzi]

It's a. It's going motorcycle fast.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah, that is. That's a speed you. That's like from Spaceballs. Ludicrous speed. They just turn it up a notch and it's too fast. You're. You're. You're a. You're a bike car at that point. So you kind of. You know what you signed up for. But we were in this cab and we hit a delivery guy and. And the delivery guy just immediately, like, the guy at least wasn't an. Or a cab driver, and pulled over and the delivery guy just started pounding, took the food that he had, started throwing it at the car. I stayed in and was like, do you need help? But he got out and. And they just started screaming. Thought they were gonna, you know, throw down.

[Paul Verzi]

I just would have been like, do you think I did that on purpose? Yeah, you're on a bicycle. You know, it's funny the amount of people that wouldn't ride a motorcycle but would ride a scooter in a second.

[Bill Burr]

Hilarious.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. Like, anytime you tell somebody you ride a motorcycle, like, that's dangerous, dude.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, a scooter is way more dangerous. Do you know how many.

[Paul Verzi]

There's way more motorcycle. You cannot get out of the way.

[Bill Burr]

I would love to see the stat on how many more people have died on a bird scooter than a motorcycle. I've heard about so many more.

[Paul Verzi]

There's something about it where I do feel on some level you are more protective by the universe when you're just on one of those. Who just going down the street. But there's something about making that noise on a motorcycle that you sort of wake up the demons and they come at you. I have no idea. But, like, I see people riding bicycles and like, you know, back to traffic, and I. And I just sit there going, like. Some of the shit they do is like, I wouldn't do that on a motorcycle. I would be fucking terrified.

[Bill Burr]

Would you ever be caught dead on a bird scooter? When your kids get to the age where they're like, dad, I mean, there's going to be a whole new layer of things you get to do. Right. I'm sure you look at it like that. I get to do a bird scooter with my kids, or is it going.

[Paul Verzi]

To be like, I would do bird in, like, on. Along the beach, like when we did Old dads, Did you have a bird scooter scene? Me and Bobby Cannavale got to ride those things, but there was no cars on the street, so it was a great time. But if I ever had to ride one of those. And like, I just imagine, like, being. Having to be near the curb because there's somebody coming by, and then there's some fucking pothole a couple inches deep.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, that's a wrap.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. I'm going over these handlebars. Am I going underneath whatever vehicle this is?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And this is what your special is about as Dr. Phil, is you're going to be talking about.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, well, birds. First of all, everybody thinks birds are fake. Okay, Everyone. There's that conspiracy that birds are robots tracking our poops and. And watching who we vote for what we eat. But bird scooters are. Yeah. More dangerous motorcycle. But, Bill, I've always said, if you don't step out of your comfort zone, you're never going to allow yourself to get back into reality. And what I mean by that is, look, you can shave your pubes on Christmas, but the kids are still going to be waiting for presents. Do you understand what I'm saying? No, we don't know what you're saying, Phil. Every Phil metaphor, it's basically insert. There's like a. There's a tone, there's a tonal like, this sounds like actually sound advice. And you're not totally wrong. I think that's where I end up in my head when I.

[Paul Verzi]

He lets the Hollywood stereotype of the wise old Southern man with the sayings.

[Bill Burr]

I didn't come 90% of the way to get 10% of the information. That's a real one. That's a real one.

[Paul Verzi]

And in my head, that was like, that adds up to 100%. So the map, it's like, no. Yeah, well, why don't you come 100% of the way, show me you're fucking committed, and I'll tell you the whole thing.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

Did you watch him prior to, like, when you first.

[Paul Verzi]

I couldn't watch the show because he was so. He knew where his bread was buttered. I mean, you know where. You know where your breads buttered. There's no reason to pick up the knife. You what? No, it was just like any guy that was on the show, it was just like, you need to listen to her more than all the women would, like, fucking clap. It's. It's the exact reason why I never. I've never gone to couples therapy. Yeah, it's like, that's a no win situation. Either I'm going to have two people yelling at me, or worse, they're going to take my side, and then I'm going to have to listen to you bitching about the fucking therapists that they're on my side.

[Bill Burr]

Look, you can put your pop Tart in the freezer and reject the idea of a toaster, but then you might as well kill your wife in her sleep, because that's what a serial killer would do. We'll be right back. There's just a commercial cutaway. The power of a commercial cutaway is what sucked me into that show. In the beginning, it was Covid. When my. When my wife and I were just sitting around. I don't know what your Covid shows were or what you're like, you know.

[Paul Verzi]

Once you realize weed and ice cream sandwiches. I gained, like, 25 pounds.

[Bill Burr]

You did edibles, though, you weren't smoking, right?

[Paul Verzi]

No, I was smoking.

[Adam Ray]

I think I did.

[Paul Verzi]

I'm a three puff guy.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, we.

[Adam Ray]

I. I can't.

[Paul Verzi]

I don't.

[Adam Ray]

You.

[Bill Burr]

At the mothership green room. And that was a blast. You know, it was a blast. About that. Is that Rogan was, you know, even when he's, you know, baked, because you were like, I don't smoke a lot or whatever. So we're hanging out and you got real giggly high. I just remember that. And I was like, oh, this is. This is a great version of Bill Burke.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, yeah, you should see me when I was drinking. I was a happy drunk.

[Bill Burr]

Were you?

[Paul Verzi]

I was. I was not. I wasn't. I was not surly. Well, because it shut the demons off.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

It's like when I'm. When I'm sitting here, like, you know, like, I'm miserable right now. I'm kidding.

[Bill Burr]

Well, you know, look in the mirror, because I wake up some days and I go, all right, well, I was up last night. Maybe I'm going to sit down to pee today because it's more comfortable. Also, I got a bidet and the feeling it's gay to. To not do a bidet. And that's not their slogan, but it's a suggestion to men out there who think just because a little water goes in your. That you're imagining it's a. Hold that thought, Bill. We'll be right back.

[Paul Verzi]

That's my favorite part of the show. You say that crazy shit, and you shut me down. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Wait, wait.

[Paul Verzi]

So a lot of people don't like this mustache, but there's about $800 worth of Coke left in there. We'll be right back.

[Bill Burr]

They're choosing not to see. What they. What they don't understand is that coke on a mustache is kind of like. You know when you're on an airplane and you forget your laptop and the little sleeve, and you ask the guy at the desk, can I go back and get it? And he goes, we're gonna have to wait. There's a fat guy who. Who is still exiting the plane, and he's in a wheelchair. And you go, you know what? Keep the laptop, but let the fat guy know that he needs to lose some weight. So that way it's a double whammy.

[Paul Verzi]

Can I tell you something? That fucking shit where you get. You start to get off the plane, you're like, oh, fuck my Jack. Whatever the fuck he left it. You can't. You can't go. You just saw me get off the fucking plane. I know, dude.

[Adam Ray]

I said so.

[Paul Verzi]

You just fucking saw me. What is going on down there? Oh, we got it.

[Jake the Snake]

We got.

[Paul Verzi]

This is a whole fucking procedure.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, well, they think it's. It's the idea of, like, somebody rushing back on that's almost like, I'm fine from call.

[Paul Verzi]

I'm flying from fucking Denver to Kansas City.

[Bill Burr]

Here's my ticket that you just.

[Paul Verzi]

There's no terrorist here. This is a bunch of sunburned white people getting ready to go whitewater rafting. Can I just go back on and get my iPad?

[Bill Burr]

You know what I hate? TSA is getting real handsy. They went through. I brought a. And I don't know how you feel about this. A burrito on the plane. I didn't want to roll the dice. You already don't like that. You don't like that? It didn't smell. It's a bag.

[Paul Verzi]

Peppers on it?

[Bill Burr]

No, just a regular chicken, rice, bean burrito, nothing.

[Paul Verzi]

Are you flying coach or first? First.

[Bill Burr]

Nobody in first is judging.

[Paul Verzi]

Okay. No, that's. Well, it's a little sloppy to bring.

[Bill Burr]

A burrito to first. A burrito raised by a single mom. You want to bring that up?

[Paul Verzi]

You were raised by a single mom.

[Bill Burr]

A dad would have told me not to do that.

[Paul Verzi]

When was the last time you saw your dad?

[Bill Burr]

Hold that thought. We'll be Right back.

[Adam Ray]

Hey, look who it is, everybody.

[Paul Verzi]

It's Helix. Helix. They never told me. Helix mattresses are changing the game. No more going to the bathroom. No, I'm kidding. There's nothing more important than a good night's sleep. Don't start your day waking up on a less than awesome mattress. You don't want to do that. Helix offers a variety of mattresses to meet your need. Wouldn't it be amazing if the mattress came with, like, some sort of hooker, you know what I mean, for like the first two weeks of it? To break it in. Yes, you know what I mean? And she was tested. Nobody knows she was into it. It was consensual.

[Bill Burr]

Nobody knows how to break it in.

[Paul Verzi]

She had stock.

[Bill Burr]

And Helix more than a hooker.

[Paul Verzi]

Did I make it nice enough? Helix offers a variety of mattresses to meet your needs. Mattresses that are soft or firm and can help address all your needs, from snoring to back pain to sleep apnea. Take the Helix test and find the mattress that's perfect for you. Sleep apnea. They put you in that Ralph Macchio one from the Outsiders, you know, when he burned his back. You're just face down. Take the Helix test and find the perfect mattress for you. Don't wait any longer to upgrade the most important necessity in your life.

[Adam Ray]

Right now.

[Paul Verzi]

Helix is offering 20% off two free pillows for all your mattress orders go to helixsleet.com burr all right. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Harley Davidson. Harley Davidson. I have the the 2024 Road Glide and I absolutely love it. Thank you to our sponsor, Harley Davidson. I unfortunately been in writers room for the last four weeks and the second I am done this Friday, I am getting on that goddamn bike and I'm gonna ride it, because I don't. I can't. There's no way to describe the feeling. And if you are an American, at some point in your life, you gotta get on a Harley and you gotta ride it. And I don't know, up in the hills, up in the mountains, down the street, past your ex wife's house, you got to fucking do it anyways. If you've ever dreamed of hitting the open road on two wheels but don't know where to start, let me tell you. Harley Davidson, right? Let me tell you about the Harley Davidson Riding Academy, all right? If you don't know how to ride, whether you're a total newbie or just looking to sharpen your riding skills, Harley's got your back. Their expert instructors will guide you every step of the way on Real Harley Davidson motorcycles, no less. You'll go from what's a clutch? To confidently cruising the streets like a pro. Visit harleydavidson.com Burr I want to take this class to sign up for the Harley Davidson Riding Academy website, which allows you to learn how to ride a motorcycle and get your license. That's harleydavidson.com Burr yeah. If there's anybody out there that teaches an intermediate class, because I don't want to be sitting there while people are learning how to just. No, get the thing going, you know, Waste my goddamn time. All right.

[Bill Burr]

About a week ago, he just had a stroke, but he's doing better. He actually called me crying because he got up and walked 230ft without his walker. Big deal. And I go, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Hope you got a good relationship with him.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. I mean, we can get into this off air. Yeah. Great. Now. Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

All right, then, you know, you know.

[Bill Burr]

No, no, no. You know what? Yes. Long and short of it. Split when I was nine. Mom crushed it. She's my hero. She's the goat. But I'm sorry I did that.

[Paul Verzi]

I had people do that to me.

[Bill Burr]

No, I love that you took an interest.

[Paul Verzi]

We can, we can get into this off air. No, I heard you.

[Bill Burr]

No, I, I, you don't have to. I don't know if that's what you.

[Paul Verzi]

But you don't have to talk about this.

[Adam Ray]

We'll be right back.

[Paul Verzi]

You don't have to. I hate when people like.

[Bill Burr]

But you asked genuinely. So I love, I appreciate that. And yes, I do. To long and short of it. Long, short of it.

[Paul Verzi]

That was a rude question. Well, you know, the other day I.

[Bill Burr]

Was watching should be able to ask that type of shit. And you like, look, we're, we're on a podcast, so.

[Paul Verzi]

No, dude, I was watching. I was waiting for the football to come on and I saw Meet the Press. I'm like, this fucking show is still on. Like nothing. It used to be so boring to me, but I love David Brinkley. But it gave me like a stomachache. I so didn't know what anybody was talking about. So there was this woman on there and she was talking about her son who's a journalist who went missing. It's her son, right? So the lady's like interviewing her and I don't know how she's holding it together. Cuz I would have been a met. This woman was so strong. Austin something or other was the guy's name that they're looking for. And God, I hope they find him. Right? So she's sitting there interviewing her, and at one point she goes to her. You know, at one point, you know, there was some guy that was found, and for a second they thought it was Austin, but it wasn't. What was that? Like.

[Bill Burr]

What the fuck?

[Paul Verzi]

And it was just like. I just felt like. Like those fucking journalists, it's like they don't give a shit. And it's just like, all right, you haven't cried yet. Crying is the money shot.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

So it's just like, all right, that didn't happen. I saw one one time.

[Bill Burr]

It's all hypothetical. The worst possible scenario. Even if they. Austin comes back, they're going to be like, what do they do to you? And he's gonna be like, I mean, I'm back now. I just, you know, they open it with like, what was the first thing you did? He goes, I went to Denny's, man. I. I forgot what a grand slam tasted like.

[Paul Verzi]

What was that first bite like that. That. That's unbelievable.

[Bill Burr]

I. Unbelievable.

[Paul Verzi]

Can you describe did.

[Adam Ray]

It.

[Paul Verzi]

Was it. Was it.

[Bill Burr]

Well, it was. It was scrambled. I wanted. I asked for over easy. That's besides the point. But, you know, that's. I think she was new, but so I took a bite and I just. I put my. My hash brown and toast between. I made like a little egg sandwich. I know you're not supposed to do that with the grand slam. It's kind of laid out for you.

[Paul Verzi]

Do you find you appreciate simple things like that? Even if they didn't butter the toast like they said they were going to?

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Paul Verzi]

Just the freedom of that.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I don't. I mean, I just. I hadn't had toast in a while.

[Paul Verzi]

Here's a question I've actually heard, like, when the reporter finally got frustrated, the person. The dude literally said, does it make you cry?

[Bill Burr]

Just give. Yeah, they just want the emotion.

[Paul Verzi]

Does it make. Does it make. He. He was out of ways to try and make like. I forget what happened. I think this woman had lost her kid or something. Some fucking horrible thing had happened. And do you think about it sometimes? And she was like, yes. Does it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Does it. Da, da, da, da. And she was just answering the fucking questions. And then he followed. What? Does it make you cry? Wow.

[Bill Burr]

Do you think they have somebody in their ears being like, get the tears. Get the tears.

[Paul Verzi]

Yes. On all of those fucking channels. They don't care. CNN and Fox News do not give a fuck about anything but viewership. They couldn't. They couldn't. They don't. They don't they just. They're not talking about what's happening.

[Bill Burr]

Could you cry on cue? Are you that good of an actor now?

[Paul Verzi]

I. I know what I have to do. Cool.

[Bill Burr]

Do you ever think you'd get there?

[Paul Verzi]

But I wouldn't say I can do it because if I said I could do it, then I would be thinking about doing it and then it doesn't happen.

[Bill Burr]

You know what I used? That makes sense. I used to have. When I got to act, you know, I went to SC out here for acting school and a kid in my class was like, you know, it's just a cool. The first kid I saw that really smoked cigarettes in college, that was real cool about it. And he would smoke and he'd always say, shit. The kid had done a few TV movies and he lived in la. So he was kind of the guy that was like from Seattle. Huh. They got a good theater program up there. Is where the business is though. In college, freshman year, I'm going to say his name, but you know who you are. And. And he would always say like, I just remember this sophomore year. He was like, you're not a cry on cue yet. And I was like, huh? I was like, I mean, I don't know. We're doing this. No coward play. I want to get through that, figure out what high comedy is. Maybe take that fencing class. I have a scene study class with Jason Alexander coming up. And then. And then we'll see. And then he was just like, you gotta learn how to cry, baby. You gotta go deep. And then he was like, find a song. And he told me that can you feel the love Tonight by Elton John always makes him cry. From the Lion King. And so, by the way, while smoking a cigarette with a leather jacket on at the DRC at USC outside.

[Paul Verzi]

What about that song would make you cry?

[Bill Burr]

There's a calm surrender through the rush hour day in the heat of the.

[Paul Verzi]

Rolling bay does it make you cry? Can you cry on cue tonight?

[Bill Burr]

I mean, El John's got some. Some melancholy Tim.

[Paul Verzi]

All right. But there was a song that I listened to when I had to cry in. In old dads. There was a song that was good too. So it was just a song that my daughter loved when she was a little girl. So I just listened to that Holy.

[Bill Burr]

Right away. Can you say the song? Will that even get you going?

[Paul Verzi]

I don't know what the name of the song is. It's in one of those.

[Bill Burr]

That's for the. It's one of the kid bops. I don't know that's. Right now, that's what I call music. 25 have a kid version of that.

[Paul Verzi]

25 months. I don't. I forget what it. But also, that's something I want to keep for myself.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, I love that.

[Paul Verzi]

But, yeah, that's. That's what I use there.

[Bill Burr]

But that is cool. Like.

[Paul Verzi]

No, but then there's other ones. There's other ones, you know, but you. I just had, you know, you had like the moment before and you just. You're that guy. And then like, the, The. The thing. A lot of it is the words, if it's written right. Yeah. It's just what you're saying get. Will get you there. But, like, the thing is, you don't go in going, I'm gonna do this.

[Bill Burr]

No.

[Paul Verzi]

And then when it starts to happen, you try to stop it from happening, because that's what the fuck you would do. You wouldn't. You wouldn't. Yeah. Like, as a man, there's only a. Like, when your mom dies is one of the few times you're allowed to just completely break down. Right. But like anything else, as a guy, you're supposed to be like, you know, if you start, like, whatever, guys are going to be like, hey, man, sorry about that. And then the head, they're like, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. You think? Yes, I think you used to have a great bit about that on one of your specials.

[Paul Verzi]

No, I. I don't remember what the.

[Bill Burr]

I said, is that wild? Do you have. So is it. How often does that happen, by the way, where even a fan or even psycho homie will go, do you remember when you just bit? And you go, no. And if they tell it to you, by the way, nobody ever recites a bit back to anybody. I. I just had this happen with friends up in Seattle for Thanksgiving. They go, dude, I just saw this video where you were this guy, and it was like he said this thing and you were like, oh, yeah, well, you. You so funny, dude. I go, it's not. I did not do that. But I. I don't even know what you're referring to. Oh, yeah, but it was some interaction where he goes, dude, the guy said something and you were like, no, no. You were like, oh, is that. Do you think that's what it is, you idiot? You gotten good, man. And I was like, that's not what happened. And so how often does that happen when people try to throw the bit back and do they ever get it right?

[Paul Verzi]

Well, I used to happen, like, at the end of the shows, like, they would be, they would say, oh my God, I love this bit that you just did.

[Adam Ray]

And I would be like.

[Paul Verzi]

And they would say the bit, I'd be like, no, that was the other guy. Like, no, no, that was you. So that was with a funny thing during that, that weird period during me too, where it went from we need to get rapists and people that are sexually assaulting out of the business to I don't like what you're talking about. Your stand up act like, remember that dude. So.

[Bill Burr]

But does anyone.

[Paul Verzi]

I would sit there going like, why would you listen to these people from the crowd? It's like not only they never remember what you say, they, they can't say the right way and half the time they remember who said it.

[Bill Burr]

Right. Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And then also it's like every time you do a fucking show, you know, it's like there's going to be people that don't like you. I see every time I go on stage, I look in the crowd and I see the person that was brought to my show that didn't want to go and is. Is going like, yeah, I didn't want to go to this. I don't like this guy. Wow.

[Bill Burr]

Every time you lock in on them and try to use them as a gauge for the night to turn them or.

[Paul Verzi]

No, no, it makes me laugh.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And I have empathy for him.

[Bill Burr]

I love that.

[Paul Verzi]

And at one point, like, you know, if it's a woman, I usually, if I, you know, if I have the time, it feels right. I'll say, like, listen, man, I know this wasn't your idea to come here. I'm sorry, I. You have not enjoyed one second this. I understand it. And just please don't be mad at him on the way home. This was me. Or whatever. And then if they're cool, they'll actually fucking laugh. And then sometimes I've done that and then they're like, oh, no, no, I was enjoying then. Then they just might be like that internal.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Sort of person. They might want to do comedy. So there's fucking sort of. They're watching it on a different level.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

But I, you know, obviously, you know this or you know, my favorite one is when the person is pretending like they're sleeping if they're not drunk. It's like, you're not going to fall asleep with some guy screaming into a microphone. This is clearly. You're like, it's beyond. You don't like me. It's like, you need me to know that I don't like you.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

So what I used to do with those people, if they were down near the stage was, I've talked about this. I would send my act right out over their head, and I would start overly committing to stuff and just acting like a idiot. And then I would start laughing at my own shit, which would annoy them even more. And then. Then that was how I was able to turn around. Because I did have that thing early in my career where if somebody didn't like me, you know, I would be going to bed tonight, ignoring all the laughter I heard, and just think of that one person. And it was a big turn for me.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

To be like, all right, I can have fun. I can have fun with this person. I get to decide whether or not you suck the fucking life force out of me, because you can let one person ruin it for everybody else having a good time. So.

[Bill Burr]

Saw you do that at the Poppy Roast. You were mentioning where you went on last, and it was like, you know, it was a show at that point. But you. I remember, like, you. The first few jokes were, I think, about the crowd and maybe even, like, Boston. And I was just like, oh, he's digging himself a hole actively. And then you got a standing O at the end, and it was. I've never seen anything.

[Paul Verzi]

That wasn't my. That wasn't my intention.

[Adam Ray]

Okay.

[Paul Verzi]

It's never my intention to do that.

[Bill Burr]

But you saw this room of like, whoa, he's coming at us. And then. But half. Half of the people loved it. And then they just. They met in the middle, like, two minutes in. As far as, like, all right, this is what he's saying about us is right. And funny, and we. We're just. You know.

[Paul Verzi]

But I don't even remember. I just remember.

[Bill Burr]

You were on the event. And something else we're going after.

[Paul Verzi]

Lenny was fun. Lenny Clark. And then David Ortiz was a great sport.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, he was a great sport. He was also on, I think, David.

[Paul Verzi]

What'S it like to play? Because he was a dh.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

I go, it's like to be a professional baseball player. Well, man, it's great. It's like. It's like waiting for a bus. And then I go, once an hour, you get up and you ground into an inning ending double play. Something like that.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah, dude, that was great.

[Paul Verzi]

That was fun. And what's. His face was fucking. Dustin Pedroia was hilarious.

[Bill Burr]

Unbelievable.

[Paul Verzi]

He came up there. You saw how he made it. He came up, fuck all you comedians. He goes, at least I wrote my own shit. And I was like, oh, fuck, dust is going off.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And then. Oh, I remember the problem was there was. It was. It was not done. The security was not done well. So there was people in the front row filming. And I remember when Gronk went up, I was just like, they're gonna clip that and that's gonna look terrible.

[Bill Burr]

And they did.

[Paul Verzi]

And the next day they clip that and it looked terrible.

[Bill Burr]

Gronk goes after Jews, blacks and Dominicans. And I was like, everybody did. That's who was representing that deus. It was supposed to be on like Showtime in Nessen. Pedro came up to me after too and was like. Because he was sitting next to Josh Wolf, you know, was dressed as the 80 year old Yankee fan. And I was. I had about six in a row to Dustin. I think one was like, you know, Dustin Pedroia obviously plays second base, but we all know his most natural position is dancing next to a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. And then Dustin looks like a. A guy whose kid calls him by his first name. All right, boys, time for bed. You Dustin. And he was said to Josh Wolf, he goes, who is this old? Like, why is this guy going in on me so hard? And Josh goes, that guy's 33. And he was like, wait, what? And so then he came up to me after, and I didn't know they had that conversation. He came up to me and goes. He goes, hey, man. He goes, hey, old man. He goes, not a fan. And like with a straight like actor face. And I go, oh, dude, I'm so sorry. I'm a comedian. He goes, I know, I'm with you. And I was like, oh, yeah, no.

[Paul Verzi]

He can kind of turn it.

[Bill Burr]

Oh yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Because I was saying when he turned, he said, right my own. I was like, I think he's really mad. Like, I don't think. I think he's heard enough of the short jokes.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Who else was on that thing? I had.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Anthony Mackey. Anthony the Falcon. Yeah. Anthony Mackie.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, yeah. Sarah T. Oh, that's right. That whole. Dude, that was a fun. I.

[Adam Ray]

You know what's so great about that?

[Bill Burr]

Tim Wakefield. That night, I mean, there were a bunch of red.

[Paul Verzi]

Rest his soul.

[Adam Ray]

Rest his.

[Bill Burr]

Rest in peace, man.

[Paul Verzi]

You know what's great is that it wasn't televised. And that's one of those things that there's so like, it just happens so rare now. Just every fucking thing is. It's like, can, can. Can just one cool thing happen? And you had to be there. I know that was the thing that was the whole reason for fucking hanging out. It was just like. Yeah, cuz you didn't want it. You didn't want to miss anything. That's why, you know, that's like the old Richard Pryor bit. Be home by 11. It's just like everything happened after 11. And he goes, I would keep fucking hanging cuz I want to miss anything.

[Bill Burr]

Wow.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. And it was just like, you know, David, tell had a bit. You should have hung out, man. You know, but it was so. It was so true. Yeah, there was that weird thing. But hanging was an art because if you went home too early, you missed it, but if you stayed too long, it was sad.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah. There's a sweet spot. And I think we're constantly finessing that as people, you know. I'm constantly finding myself overstaying my welcome. You see me trip in the sand last week? That's Joe Biden.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, God, that fucking guy.

[Bill Burr]

Am I overstaying my welcome? Should I have gone chef, Chef. This guy over here. Come on, Chef. Closed up shop.

[Paul Verzi]

Wow. That is amazing.

[Bill Burr]

Pretty good.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. You know, be amazing.

[Bill Burr]

What if.

[Paul Verzi]

What if he runs in four years and then he wins again?

[Bill Burr]

What do you mean, what if. 2048, Bill. I got a big election coming up. 2026. I'm gonna run. Gonna be me, Gavin Newsom and Kevin Costner. Big fan of Yellowstone.

[Paul Verzi]

It's fucking. Dude. It is fucking looney Tunes. I'm just like. I think I've under the covers since about 2018. I'm just like, all right. I can't. It's embarrassing. Yeah, it's just been fucking embarrassing.

[Bill Burr]

Let me ask you this to piggyback on what we were just talking about. Do you have fomo? Like, do you. Like, when we were all kicking it after your special for a bit in the green room, I was like, oh, cool. This is like you just got done doing it. And I'm like, I think you're still. Obviously, you know, the. The comic in you is just wanting to decompress and kick it right? And like, not just get up and go home. But I was like, oh, this will. This will be where it ends. But at least you wanted to, like, shoot the for a bit, which I thought was cool. But do you have, like, if. If the crew was all. And I guess then you did pickups and stuff, but if everybody was there and. And. Or. I don't know. Let's say Eddie Vedder came to the show and then was like, we're going here. And you're like, My family's here. I can't go. Would you be. He was like, I'm gonna do a private show at the showbox down the street. And you were like, you know, if I told. We're getting up early.

[Paul Verzi]

No, I would be like, eddie, man, dude, you gotta understand. You killed all of my bands.

[Bill Burr]

Well, I didn't do it on purpose. We were the next.

[Paul Verzi]

That's one of the reasons why I did it there. Not only did I love Seattle, but. Well, everybody talks about Nirvana, but I gotta say, when Eddie Vedder climbed up that fucking thing on the side.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And then dropped down in, that's when I was going like, oh, this shit isn't going away.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And then next thing I know, Motley Crue was just not on that channel anymore. So that was like my first, like, I would say midlife crisis, where I was like, fuck, I'm not young anymore. Because they came out. I was 23. 23 is, like the first year, I think, like, life starts to get 22. You graduate college if you're supposed to, right? And then 23 is like, oh, this is just gonna keep happening. So when I got to be 23, what is life like? This is gonna keep going, and I'm gonna get old.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, wow.

[Paul Verzi]

Where it's like. Like, 22 was maybe the last birthday that as a young person, you can look forward to sort of like you're invincible still. I'll be a college. It's like, all right. Oh, my God. You know, turn 13, I'll be a teenager. You know what I mean? I could start dating chicks. This is going to be fun, right? I'll get a car. 16, I get a license. 18, I'm a fucking adult. You know, I go to college at 21, I get to drink. 22, I graduate. And then it's just 23 is like, well, wait a minute. This is going to keep going. And 23, I felt, was the first year adults were no longer interested in my peer group. Like, you guys are old now. Like, they would. Like, they were looking. What if 14 year olds listening to what are they buying? And all of that stuff. Wow. We want to get them because they're gonna. Their parents are gonna have to buy him this shit for Christmas. And you're 23, and now you got to jump into the river of employment. You don't have any fucking money to buy any shit, right? And so then anyway, them coming out and him. Whatever that song was that Even Flow. Yes, yeah, even that fucking shit, right?

[Bill Burr]

You sing that at My son's bar mitzvah, huh?

[Paul Verzi]

100%. If I can write my own lyrics. Have you seen that wrestler? His name Stephen Flow. And he comes in, they just go, steven Flow. No, I just saw this thing. Steve.

[Adam Ray]

Steven Flow.

[Paul Verzi]

Something like that.

[Bill Burr]

See, that's a part of wrestling. That is really. That's awesome.

[Paul Verzi]

I. Dude, one of the best wrestling things I ever went to was I went to one of those lucha vavoom shows.

[Bill Burr]

What's that?

[Paul Verzi]

It's like the Mexican style wrestling with. With the masks and all. Oh, yeah, With. With all of this, like. I don't know. I don't know what was going on. I just remember Dana Gould was one of the people announcing and he was fucking hilarious. And. And I. I went there with my wife and this guy came walking out, like, good looking guy, great body, you know, just looking like a wrestler. Shredded. And he came walking out like he was God's gift to women. And he came out to the Pina Colada song. And, dude, he was peacocking around. If you like peanut coladas, it worked, huh? It was fucking hilarious.

[Bill Burr]

Awesome.

[Paul Verzi]

And then he came in and he stood on the bottom rope and he was just fucking stay, like, letting us all get a look at him.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

With like. Like he was God's gift with that fucking song was like. It was one of those, like. It was like a comedy education thing. Like, this guy has not said a fucking word. Yeah, they're playing this song, he's dressed that way, and his vibe is like, this is killing harder than any joke I've ever written. It was fucking amazing. Me and my wife were fucking. You were loving it, dude. He came walking out and he was immediately arrogant. It just goes, done. And then you go, wait a minute. What fucking song?

[Bill Burr]

That song does have an unexpected confidence to it though, too. It does just feel like it's an entrance song, so. It does.

[Paul Verzi]

How about the fact that they were both going to cheat on each other?

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

I was just talking to somebody who just let me know. He goes, dude, I actually played drums on that. There was double drums on it in the song. Yeah. Like his studio musician, he goes, I played drums on that.

[Adam Ray]

Wow.

[Paul Verzi]

Because a lot of people don't know that. So I'm not gonna say because I don't know. I never know how that works, if that's a good credit.

[Bill Burr]

Is it Dean Del Rey?

[Paul Verzi]

No, but he has a great gig now, so he's good.

[Bill Burr]

Okay.

[Paul Verzi]

He's always had great gigs. But, like, you listen to those lyrics. Like, we were laughing, going like, they're both like. They were both, like, putting out an ad. Like they're trying to meet people on the side. And then the ant. The ads that they answered was theirs. And then they realized that they should be together. But then, like, the trust is just gone. Wow. And we were laughing at the 70s. It was a different time. It's a different time. You could get away with that.

[Bill Burr]

There's so many of those, first of all, that I would love to see at any wrestling match instead of AC dc. Yeah. If somebody's coming out instead of, like, you know, Back in Black to just, you know, it's been one weeks, and you look at me. Hello, Bare Naked Ladies. You go, all right, these guys are gonna have a good time. I just went to Smackdown in Utah, was at Wise Guys, and they were doing Smackdown at the Delta center and got some ticks, and they put us right behind the thing and put. Put us on the thing and promoted the Dr. Phil Netflix special. And. And they were like, do. They're like, you know, put you on something. And I asked the guy go, do we do anything? Like, you know, anything? You know, he's like. He's like, have you seen Madagascar? I go, yeah. He goes, just wave and smile. And I don't remember that from it, but I guess that's a part of it. And then so my buddy's next to me, and they put me on screen, and I like him doing this. And then I was like, give me, like, an elbow behind me. So he elbowed me in the back, and then I went down, and then I started, like, fake strangling him. But the kids at these things are.

[Paul Verzi]

People must have loved that.

[Bill Burr]

They loved it. Yeah. People went nuts. And my buddy who. Who got us tickets was like, thank you for not, you know, just like, thanks for bringing the entertainment. Every time they put celebs on, you know, they're always just, you know, doing this. He's like, but you actually made a meal of it. That was great. But the kids were like.

[Paul Verzi]

You know, I think is funny is when they show. When actors are like, ringside at a fight.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

They always got to be like.

[Adam Ray]

Got like.

[Bill Burr]

I know.

[Paul Verzi]

It's like, what are you. What are you doing?

[Bill Burr]

What are you doing? You're not up there.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. If you. If you're at a football game, they put it on you. Do you go, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

There will never. I think no one will ever be comfy. You ever see kids when they cut to them on a dance cam at a baseball game, they don't know what to do. It's, it's one of my favorite things to see because it's, I remember being that kid where they cut you. You don't know how to dance as a kid. You don't even have enough wherewithal to just go, just do a safe robot or do a puppet, whatever, or just.

[Paul Verzi]

Like a sign saying they poisoned our food supply. If you don't want to be on camera, oh, my God. Just like, I want somebody to do that. Like in those stupid things where they. Everybody's holding up the sign of the friend they lost from cancer. Right. Thank you, Monsanto. Underneath it. But why is that that way? Ooh, they did that. I know they did do it.

[Bill Burr]

And for some reason it's dark and it's funny and it's real. And that's why.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. You can't talk about maybe, you know, back in the day.

[Bill Burr]

They're talking about it.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. There wasn't a zillion people dying of cancer. Why the fuck you think that is? We got plastic in our fucking brains and you can't. Oh, the CEO got shot. Wait, what kind of world do we live in where you fucking, like, you don't have empathy for that? It's like, where is the empathy on their side? There isn't any. No, there isn't any. But they're going to successfully divide us because they've now called that kid a woke capitalist. So then. Oh, woke this fucking Hollywood liberal shit. And then you got that. And then CNN is just like, oh, my God, he had a wife and a family. It's like, we know that. We know that. We're not excited about that. We're not excited about any of that. But, like, if you want to. But going to feel bad for somebody who. Denied. I need dialysis. Denied.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, wild.

[Paul Verzi]

Wild. Yeah. Did you see that lady confessing to this shit, going like, you know, I, I, I, I wrote the night and the guy. A guy died.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

And one of the questions I had to ask is, do you think he's going to be alive in five years?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, my God.

[Paul Verzi]

Which. And all that that means is like, can we keep making money off of this guy or is he fucking sliding down the backside and got promoted? You know, you got, you got the, you got what it takes. I look at your eyes and I see nothing. I don't see empathy. I don't even see a person in there.

[Bill Burr]

Have you seen Oppenheimer?

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, that's one of the great comedies of last year.

[Bill Burr]

That's my, that's my deterrent. On the Phil show when somebody goes out. We did that when you were on the show when you went on a Long Rain about the Catholic church and Hitler. And then I was like, have you seen Oppenheimer? How do you feel about.

[Paul Verzi]

I did see Oppenheimer. It was.

[Bill Burr]

Did you. Did you enjoy it?

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, I love. I just. The.

[Bill Burr]

It's the first three hour movie I've got.

[Paul Verzi]

I just use the word scope. Yeah, the scope of it.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

No, it's just one of those things where I, I just look at that. I like to think I'm in show business and I just look at that going like, how the. Am I in the same business as whoever the made this?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, totally. Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

But I, that's.

[Bill Burr]

But I like dads came out in the same year. That's wild. Yeah, right?

[Paul Verzi]

I know.

[Bill Burr]

That's wild.

[Paul Verzi]

Hey, that is a big spectrum that. Those are both.

[Bill Burr]

Somebody watched.

[Paul Verzi]

Those are both considered movies. No, Old dads is a good for what it is.

[Bill Burr]

It's great. Dude, you nailed it.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, we had a good time on that. Well, you know what? Me and my buddy Ben Tischer just finished writing our next one and I am really, really. Because, you know, obviously that was my first one, so I learned a ton on that one.

[Bill Burr]

You tell me that.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. And I just like.

[Bill Burr]

So now this one, you're.

[Adam Ray]

You.

[Bill Burr]

You're just like guns a blitz. You're ready to go and you're fired up for it.

[Paul Verzi]

Well, what it is, is it's more like it was. The writing was way more efficient because we kind of knew we would be like, we'd start to write something and be like, dude, that's a whole new location. Do I want to fucking. Oh, that's going to cost too much because you could almost anticipate the studio notes before you even fucking.

[Bill Burr]

That's helpful.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. So then we were able to keep it like streamlined. Like, dude, this is how much I've been writing lately. Last night my daughter was watching Home Alone.

[Bill Burr]

Awesome. How old is she?

[Paul Verzi]

7.

[Bill Burr]

Great age for that.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh yeah, totally great age.

[Bill Burr]

Loving it.

[Paul Verzi]

And. And Macaulay Culkin killed it.

[Bill Burr]

He's unbelievable.

[Paul Verzi]

He killed it. And how about Joe Pesi?

[Adam Ray]

What I love about the movie.

[Paul Verzi]

He's going to curse. He's going to curse. He. He did. He could just. And then his, his, his physical is so underrated. Like, he is as good as that as he has.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you.

[Paul Verzi]

In good. Like Home Alone and Good Fellas came out within like a two year period.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Unbelievable. And, and, and Daniel Stern. I. I miss that guy.

[Bill Burr]

Me too.

[Paul Verzi]

And I said, I missed that guy. And then I went on Instagram, within two videos, Daniel Stern comes up because it's listening to you.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah, dude. I was randomly talking about Celine Dion and how she's dealing with stiff person syndrome. And it was like, do you want to buy Celine Dion Best of Brazil on Facebook, like, a minute later? And I was like, I mean, yes.

[Paul Verzi]

You know, I was talking about the other day how angelically white was her husband's hair.

[Bill Burr]

It was fucking Steadman Leonard or something. He. He looked like.

[Paul Verzi]

Dude. It was like he was. He was fucking totally bald. But you still were going, look at the guy's hair.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Like, it was a. It was a fucking angelic. Yeah, like, not of the earth. White.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Like, I feel like it went white, but then he dyed it like. Like tiger white.

[Bill Burr]

You're not wrong.

[Paul Verzi]

He looked like. He looked like an exotic species of. Way too old to marry that chick.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, well, he was like her manager. Yeah. You're not wrong. We'll be right back.

[Paul Verzi]

Now, wait a second. What I was saying. So I'm watching Home Alone.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry.

[Paul Verzi]

And aside from being, like, blown away, like, the performances, the comedic stuff and all of that, and how it's basically a live action cartoon, a lot of it, a lot of the gags, and. But in my head, I went like, oh, I get this. It's one location. This is cheap to shoot. And then I was just like, did I just think that? Wow, that's. I'm thinking, yeah, it all takes place in the house. It's fine.

[Bill Burr]

What a. What a. What a added benefit that you now are. Look, I mean, it's not taking away the enjoyment. Yeah, you're not thinking about that the whole time.

[Paul Verzi]

It definitely added to a bad stereotype about the leniency and the silliness of what white people being parents. Like, I always love this whole idea that, oh, yeah, you could just curse in front of your parents because you're a white kid. It's like, oh, could I. Is that. Is that what I could do? Oh, yeah, yeah. They. You get a timeout? No. No. My.

[Adam Ray]

I don't.

[Paul Verzi]

I don't know. We had a paddle. My dad had it from the fucking. The fraternity days. My mother used beat the shit out.

[Bill Burr]

Of us with the fraternity paddle.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. Oh, but I remember it had, like, the three Greek letters on it by the end. Like, only, like, the V. Like, one side of it was still left. I used to hide that thing.

[Bill Burr]

I got hit by one of those. I was in a Fraternity in usc. And I got hit by one of those my freshman year. They hired strippers for the brotherhood night. And it was the first time, so.

[Paul Verzi]

It must have been beyond homoerotic. That's why I never joined those things.

[Bill Burr]

I made some good buds from it, but I was the comedian, so, like, I am friends with most everybody I went to school with. From that.

[Paul Verzi]

You just went right by that whole fucking thing?

[Bill Burr]

No, Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

I mean, I. Yeah, the whole hell week. Oh, I used to just hear stories. And then we shoved a carrot up his ass. It was like, what?

[Bill Burr]

I will say this. They try to make a kid at one time. I would get. I'd get baked and I'd go sit in the back of these meetings that they'd have where they talk about all the kids that rush the house, right? So they have all the social chairs up there and the president. Everyone's sitting. They talk about. They go, all right, Graham. Graham Davis, what do we think? Somebody raise your hand. Jeff. Yeah, I hung out with Graham for about 20 minutes at the bar. Super chill, loves tits. So I think we can all agree that. That we all love tits. And. But dude, I talked before they started talking to a chick that I was talking to and not cool and be like, boo, boo. And they're like, all right. Hey, brothers, brothers, please. He goes, yeah. So I don't know.

[Paul Verzi]

Brothers, brothers, please.

[Bill Burr]

So that another guy would stand up and go, I also talked to Graham. Dude, he has a big heart. Both his mom and dad just died in a Breyer's ice cream truck accident. And I think he was just going through a rough night. And I think he was talking to a chick because her parents also died in a food related truck accident. So before you judge Graham, let's hear the both sides of the story. So I sat in the back and I go. I also talked to Graham. They go, adam and I did this three or four times. I go, now, look, I. I know that we're all like, this is what we're doing. We need to figure out who's who we want, who we don't want. Graham, cool, like you said, was going through a lot, does love tits, which I'm. Dude, let's let's go. But he turned around to go to the bathroom and there was a big black on the back of his shoulder. Now, I don't know if that's what went. Half the people starts laughing. I go, I don't know. I'm an actor. I'm an acting school this time. I go, I don't know. If that's what we want. But I'm just saying. They go, hey, Ray. They call me a Ray. Shut up, shut up. All right, what else? All right, Matt Thompson. Matt. Somebody stands up, dude. Matt Big. Same thing. Matt, big heart. Whatever. Somebody else combats that. Dude, he. I went to the high school he went to in as a kid in Detroit. He was a fucking chode. Adam. So Matt, I also talked to him for a bit. He actually came up to me and said, I saw you. I am those meatballs. Did you want me to grab you one? Generous guy. Love loves tits. Again, we're pumped on that. But he turned around to go talk to another brother and big black cock dude, right on the back. They go, dude, what the fuck? And I go, I'm just saying, is this who we want in our house? I'm just saying, is this all right? I thought that's what we were doing is trying to figure out who we want. I did it two more times, and they kicked me out. And I stood up and j. M. And I stand up and I go.

[Paul Verzi]

Kicked you out of the frat house?

[Bill Burr]

No, of the. The meeting. I stood up and they go, I did. Because I did one more time. And when I raised my. It was three. I mean, the timing of this. It was rule of threes. Two more guys. And then I raised my hand, and everyone's laughing now at this point. So I raised my. I mean, you got 100 plus guys. You know, I'm always trying to perform. Raised my hand and they was laughing. And. And the head of the. The social chair goes, hey, Ray, if you're gonna around, dude, please don't talk. I go, I have some. I want to talk about. About Eli Donovan. Vic, this is. Can I say something? Am I not a member of the house? I'm like, I'm a full acting. He goes, all right. I go talking to him. Sweet guy. Loves T. I get some laughs. I go, but, dude, I turn around and they go, get the out. I go, big black hawk. I'm just saying, what are we. What are we doing? And then I stand up and I go. They kick me out. I go, all I'm saying is, who's coming with me? Yeah. I go, I'm gonna go to my room and smoke some weed. Who's coming with me? Do the Jerry Maguire and about four pothead stand up. And we're all just sitting there and then. But I never. I never. I would do silly. And so there were some guys, though, I was building to the. This one had a lineup And I went into watch just cuz socially, it was wild. I mean I was. No, I never hazed anybody. I did, you know, silly. I pretend to be a brother from like Chico State, put on a wig, you know, went up and down, had a British accent and like, you know, would ask them, does anyone know, you know, the Fruity Pebbles theme song or whatever. And right after a guy that was like, apparently this guy was talking to a girl. I like, what the. I mean, some of that was just true. Guys that were bullied and now they're taking it out or guys that are just bad guys. And I went through that and they try to be friends with me after. And I was just like, I'm good. Like, you don't get to do that and then just do this.

[Paul Verzi]

That's what I never understood about that.

[Bill Burr]

But there's a lot of but the hell week.

[Paul Verzi]

It's just like, totally.

[Bill Burr]

It's gonna do all that.

[Paul Verzi]

Then I'm gonna hang out with you. It's like, I'm beat the out of you.

[Bill Burr]

Totally. Or try totally.

[Paul Verzi]

Or just not hang out or just not. I never understood.

[Bill Burr]

But there were enough. I went through a time where there were enough guys that were not. The hazing wasn't dumb. It was like we took a trip to Vegas last minute. They like woke us all up or said me, everybody meet here like midnight. And we drove in four cars to Vegas and stayed up all night to do a scavenger hunt while the other guys that, that went with us went on, gambled, whatever, and we had. It was like a bonding thing. You walk up and down the strip, go to this place, get a match book, get a picture in a fountain, get a picture with a stripper, right? And that was wild and fun and whatever. And. And some guys in the house that had tons of money broke away and were betting, I mean, ridiculous amounts of money. I mean, I didn't know. I parked my grandparents Mercury Grand Marquis on the fraternity row at USC amongst like Escalades and BMWs every weekend. People are like, whose grandparents are here to visit? I'm like, oh no, it's just the car I got. Because, you know, it's a great car. I loved it. Dude, it's a big cloud. Big ass trunk. The. The front seat you could fit.

[Paul Verzi]

But you know what's funny?

[Adam Ray]

If you want.

[Paul Verzi]

But what's funny? My grandparents, they're not. They're not as big as today's cars. Everybody thinks that those things were big and they were super heavy and everything. They don't understand you'd open the hood, you could look down and still see the driveway. There was all kinds of room in like the engine bay because they didn't have all of. Just think of the level of shit technology that's in a car and how much they fucking weighing. Those electric ones with the batteries and stuff, they're heavy as fucking shit.

[Bill Burr]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

It's kind of a. I don't know because I rented a. I rented a 65 Cadillac when I. My gig in LA in May when I did the Bowl. It's a gold convertible just to drive it up there. Oh yeah, dude. And I gotta tell you though, but I couldn't believe how fucking small it was. Like every. Oh my God, that is a fucking land yacht. It's like it isn't as far as like how wide it is. It's this weird thing where because now everything like between you and the passengers, this whole console with all of this fucking shit and stuff up there, they sort of taken away a lot of the interior space with all of the. The fucking gadgetry.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

But back in the day there was. There was lap belts, a bench seat front and back. I mean there was a lot of banging done in those American cars.

[Bill Burr]

It was fucking.

[Paul Verzi]

They're amazing cars. But like, you know, like my wife has this SUV that she just got and you know this garage, it looks like it can fit a car. She puts it in, it's like. Dude, it's like. It's like a fat person. It's just this big fucking bubble and you're like this fucking thing is huge. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get the fucking door open.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, it's unnecessary.

[Paul Verzi]

I got to go. I got to go pick up my kids from school.

[Bill Burr]

So we just say you don't want to talk anymore. That's fine.

[Paul Verzi]

Dude, we. This is a half hour show. We did an hour and five minutes.

[Bill Burr]

That's fun.

[Paul Verzi]

We're not going to be right back. This is going to be enough.

[Bill Burr]

You got to come back for the hat trick. You are. I mean I just have to thank you for jumping in that first time because we're now doing a 25 city theater tour. We sold out the Beacon. We just did the Celebrity and Air.

[Paul Verzi]

I'm going to be. My lawyers will be get in touch with you for the. I want to co create it by credit for the talent that and all this stuff. All the work, all the work that you did.

[Bill Burr]

You're not wrong. Check out adamraycomy.com for all the Dr. Phil live theater tour dates, we got Toronto, Boston. We're doing the MSG Music hall next to Fenway in Boston. Have you ever been there?

[Paul Verzi]

Msg, Madison Square Garden musical.

[Bill Burr]

It's like, is it. It's next to Fenway. There's some big music hall next to Fenway.

[Paul Verzi]

I. Dude, I moved away from there 29 years ago.

[Adam Ray]

I don't recognize it anymore.

[Bill Burr]

I'll take it from here. And so then we got. We got Toronto, we got Atlanta, we got Nashville, Dallas, Adam dot com. All the fil tour dates, and all my stand up there too. Dr. Phil unleashed on Netflix.

[Paul Verzi]

All right, Adam Ray, everybody.

[Bill Burr]

I love you.

[Paul Verzi]

I love you too.

[Bill Burr]

Thanks.

[Paul Verzi]

No worries.

[Adam Ray]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 19, 2016. What's going on? How are ya? Oh, Jesus Christ. My fucking computer. Every five seconds. Do you want to download this? Do you want to do this now? Do you want to do it in an hour? Should I remind you later on tonight.

[Paul Verzi]

Lady, give me some fucking space.

[Adam Ray]

Jesus Christ. He's fucking. Goddamn. I don't know, man. I'm not into this shit at all. Just the level with which this. It's fucking. I guess because of technology, I am able to do this. You know, if it was back in the day, I would not be able to do this. What is this? You. You ask? Maybe you didn't ask. Maybe I'm doing that thing where I'm putting words in your mouth. But if you did ask, you know, I'm doing a podcast, you know, I guess there's always a price to pay. And I think that. I think that that's one to grow on. Maybe that's the lesson. I swear to God, I want to start a fucking church. I gotta do it. You guys been watching that. That woman from King of Queens, she played the beautiful wife, you know, to the guy who drives the truck. Did you know, well, how they've always done sitcoms. The Honeymooners. Hey, I fucking drive a bus. And you know, I'm the wisecracking pretty wife.

[Paul Verzi]

Well, Ralph, maybe if you weren't a fucking idiot.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

You wouldn't drive a bus one of these days.

[Adam Ray]

Alice Power, right? The baby maker, right? Isn't that what they did? Something like that little ice box in the corner, you know, and then you get into the 60s, right? 60s was like the blue ball era of. Of sitcoms. You know what I mean? You had I dream of genie, and the guy would. He just wouldn't banger. I've talked about this before. I remember watching it as a kid. It's like, why don't you, like, rub it up against her or something? You know, I didn't even know what sex was. You know why? Cuz there was no Internet. Now if there was Internet back when I was watching that show and I was like seven or eight, you know, I would have been like, why doesn't he.

[Paul Verzi]

Why didn't you learn fucking reverse doggy.

[Adam Ray]

Style over the fucking genie lamp? You know, I would know all this extra shit. That's. What the fuck is wrong with kids nowadays. It's like they just. They get, oh, I'm going on an old man rant. They get on these fucking computers, right? Their parents are like me, they don't know how to work them. They're not even interested in them. You know, we're in the fucking corner making homemade apple cider, getting ready for the holidays, you know, wearing a Christmas sweater that we think actually looks good. We're not wearing it ironically. We're like, oh, this is my Christmas sweater, dude. My fucking mother sewed this together for me when I was in high school. Still fits. You know, sweaters always still fits because they stretch. They're like the sweatpants for your torso. You know, it takes a while. Like if you have a homemade sweater, you know, one of those lobster fisherman ones that your mom would make, you know, and she just give it to you in the bag that she bought the yarn in, you know, Then one day you look at it and some fucking moth started eating at it. And you're just like, is it the 1800s? Really? A fucking caterpillar learned, got its pilot's license and now is eating my sweater. This is like so fucking 1826. How is this happening right now? For the love of God, mom, can you go to the rayon store? You know, can you make me a fucking polyester knitted sweater? How about, why don't you do that? Why can't you do that? I mean, Jesus Christ, there's fucking children.

[Paul Verzi]

Doing it in sweatshops around the world. You gonna come at me with yarn?

[Adam Ray]

That's the problem with all the mothers nowadays, you know what I mean? Them and their fucking yarn, they just won't let go of it. I'm just fucking with you. What kind of woman knows how to knit anymore? You know, trying to find a woman that knows how to knit is like trying to find a guy that knows still knows how to hunt. You know what I mean? And that even goes for the Fucking rednecks. You're not doing it the way you fucking. You're way less fucking. I don't know what four wheeler. Fucking ancestors, hunted. Almost talked myself into a corner. There's like, I don't want to do the hacky, you know, saying your grandfather, who first had sex with the fucking relative, you know, I didn't want to say that. I didn't want to go down that road. I don't even know if that's true, but how the fuck did that start? You know what I mean? One fucking guy bangs his sister and then all of a sudden everybody out there that has a four wheeler is doing it, you know what I mean? They can just take like. They don't have Facebook. You don't have to be lonely. I like how they've gotten more aggressive on that farmers only when they've really just started shitting on fucking city folk, you know? I mean, city folk just don't get it and they still make themselves look stupid. City folk just don't get it. They could go with global warming, they could go with overpopulation, they could go with quality of air, quality of life, space. There's so many different directions that, hey, you want to come back to my place? And you go there and it's like some fucking city apartment, you know what I mean? Where like the kitchen is in the bedroom, you know, and the bed folds down from the wall. Like you could fucking attack them that way, you know what I mean? Some intruder trying to come through their window may say, folks just don't get it. Then they go to their spread, right? Fucking got your own parking space. You're not driving around the block like fucking nine hours trying to find alternative side of the street fucking parking. There's all these different things, water levels rising, you know, I saw this one of these man in the street things. I've been watching that, that channel, Vice. You guys watch the Vice channel? It's a great channel. Reminds me a lot of ways, a little bit of MTV during the early days where like they had a lot of funny promo commercials. I don't know why more fucking networks don't do that. Because, you know, you usually fast forward or turn the channel when there's a commercial. But they got like, they have funny fucking commercials. Like there's some talk show on there, these two black dudes, right? At least one black dude and one guy sort of Puerto Rican maybe, or maybe he's light skinned. I don't know, I'm too white to understand, right? So they do a Talk show. So they're hyping it and they're showing like the New York City, you know, skyline, like they always do before a talk show. And it was, I'm gonna fuck up the joke. It was something like, no big guests, no band, no audience, no white dudes. And then they cut to the promo and somebody comes out. You know, I don't know what the fuck it was I was watching. I was like, this is funny. This looks like way back in the day when I would see like Randy the Redwoods or Jim the Taxi Driver, you know, they would have like funny promos. I don't know why they ever got away from that. But anyways. Oh, speaking of that, speaking of non whiteies, I saw a fucking frontman this weekend in a band. It was fucking unbelievable, right? I went down the other day, I did the Dark Matter podcast, which is Dave Navarro's podcast, and had a great time on that. And afterwards they were like, yeah, hey, Dave's doing his show down at the Roxy. You want to come down Friday, Saturday night? I guess. I mean, I'm. I'm in the dark here. Literally. No pun intended. I didn't know he did this just Christmas show every year. And it was like an all star lineup. You don't know who the fuck's coming out. And you just go to the show and then they just start bringing people out. And so I went down there to go see the show and I mean, I knew it was going to be good. Dude, it was fucking ridiculous, the amount of people that they had coming out. Which, of course I'm going to fucking forget the names and everything, but you just, you know, someone come out, this guy, they sang. This dude sang the Immigrant Song and something else and fucking murdered it. I never even heard of the guy. Fucking murdered it. The band was unbelievable. Navarro was killing it. And then they. Then they brought out Macy Gray and then she sang. The fuck did she sing? She sang the Pretenders, Brass in Pocket. And then she sang Radiohead Creep. I was just like, jesus Christ, what the fuck? And then they brought out Cypress Hill and no one was doing like their own style of music. Everybody would, like, switch it up. So then they bring out this. They give this fucking intro which no performer wants to get. All right, the guy goes to do the intro and he just goes, billy Morrison was there, just fucking everybody, right? Goes, all right, this next guy, you know, people suggested him for this show. You know, first we were like, yeah, you know, we don't know. We don't know if he's Right for the show. And then we saw him and he absolutely blew us away. Our jaws were on the ground. I'm telling you, this fucking guy is unbelievable, believable, yada yada. And I'm thinking I was in the crowd going, oh no, not that. That intro was the fucking word. You can't follow it. It's like in stand up comedy, this guy is one of the, one of the best working comics today. He reinvented the mic stand. Eddie Murphy was still doing stand up.

[Paul Verzi]

He be asking this guy to write from.

[Adam Ray]

You know, they start giving you a fucking intro like that, you're just in the back like guy here, tone it down, tone it down, right? Dude, this guy came out and totally fucking lived up to it. This guy's a rapper. I mean, I don't know shit about hip hop or anything. Like this guy post Malone. So the guy on stage for whatever reason said this guy's responsible for Justin Bieber's career, right? Which I don't know why you would say that in front of a bunch of fucking 40 to 50 something year old white people, right? So this dude comes walking out and there's a few people booing, like couple, you know, like five people. Because of the Justin Bieber thing, right? I love people in their 40s and 50s who fucking talk about how bad Justin Bieber's music is. It's like really, it doesn't speak to you, you're dope, it's not for you, you know what I mean? That's, it's like getting mad at the, I don't insult the guy, but you know what I mean? It's, it's for, it's for younger people, you know what I mean? I think like I don't understand people getting in their 40s and 50s and they just, they, they don't understand that somebody's perspective as a 20 something year old is not gonna seem like the same as theirs. And you'd be sitting there going like, what the fuck is he talking? Like that's bullshit. That's a stupid, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, yeah, yeah, that's what you did when you were that, that age. And someday he'll be in his 40s and he'll look back at himself at 22, 23 going, what the fuck was I thinking? Right? Somehow like four or five people don't get it. And they're literally booing, you know, Justin Bieber at a show Justin Bieber isn't at. So this guy comes fucking walking out and he just Walks up to the microphone and he goes, what's up, la? I'm drunk as fuck, right? So immediately, the crowd just starts cheering, and he goes, you know, I'm usually. You know, I'm a rapper, you know, Everybody, I was assuming in the crowd was, like, me going, like, yeah, I'm completely unfamiliar with you. I am a white guy pushing 50. I have no idea who you are, right? So they start playing Rage against the Machine, Killing in the Name of. And I'm like, going, oh, God, a rapper's gonna sing. Do they got the auto tune on? You know, Is this gonna be like. Is he gonna have too much deodorant under his arms? Like fucking LL Cool J when he did the unplug? What's gonna happen here, dude? This guy. This guy murdered the song. Murdered this song. Just took the whole thing to another level, and it never came back down again. Everybody else matched this guy. This dude was unbelievable. He sang that song, and then he sang Allison Chains Wood and murdered both of them. And you literally felt it in the crowd. Everybody on their phones going, like, who the is this guy? I gotta download some of his. Oh, here's the hilarious thing. So later on that weekend, I'm watching Vice, and there's another funny promo. He's sitting there, that guy Post Malone, right? I was sitting there with Nia going, that's the fucking guy I saw. That's the guy that murdered that song, those two songs, right? So he was talking about conspiracy theory. I don't even know what the commercial was about. It was just him talking to another guy. I'm telling you, it's very like early days of mtv. He was just talking about conspiracy theory and being able to teleport. And he was just going like, say, here's Area 51, right? Which, of course, he picks that rather than saying San Diego, okay? He goes, here's Area 51, right here. Here's Australia. If you want to fly from Area 51 to Australia, you got to fly all the way here, you know? And he draws the arc, too. He just didn't draw a straight line. Like someone actually understood, understands aviation, right? Because this is what creeped me out. Because if he just drew a straight line, I'd be like, all right, this guy's. This guy's out of his mind. But the second he drew the arc, I'm like, oh, I'm buying into this theory, right? And he goes. And he goes. But with teleportation, they just do stuff like this. And he just takes the paper in the X where Area 51 was and the X, where Australia is. He just takes the paper and he just folds it. He pushes them together. He goes. It's like that. He goes, I know you guys think I'm out of my mind, but I know this shit is true. And I was like, this guy's brain, that's what my brain tells me, you know? So I don't know anything about any of his. Any of his. Any of his music, but I'm definitely gonna download some of his shit. If anybody knows what his best album is or whatever, you know, a good jump off point for that guy, it would be. It would be. Be tremendous. So anyways, oh, by the way, Navarro fucking killed the guitar solo in that too. I was wondering how the hell he was gonna do it. Now. I don't know if they came up with a. An effects pedal that made the noise that the dude from, you know, fucking Rage against the Machine, you know, because he. When he came out, he had all that with those weird sounds that he made. I don't know. You know, I was in over my head musically about fucking 15 minutes ago, but whatever. And I want to thank everybody at Dark Matter for. For hooking me up to see that show was great, man. Just a great goddamn show. So, of course I talked to Dean Del Rey, who sees everything. He goes, oh, yeah, man. He goes. I went to that show at like the fifth anniversary, and it was like Ozzy, Lemmy and Steven Tyler. I was just like, oh, you, man. You're never gonna beat Dean Del Rey with the fucking. I went to a concert story guy seen everything. So anyway, so I'm watching this Vice channel. I know I'm just plowing through this fucking all over the place. And my wife just kept, you know, recording this. They were. She recorded something about, like, DJs. She recorded something about these. The kids of those, you know, oil barons or whatever. Oil money in Saudi Arabia. So we're watching both of these, right? The DJ thing, you know, is just something I'd seen before. They're showing how much money that they're making in. In Vegas. And it was funny. They were actually, actually, actually asking a couple of them what the future was. And a few of them understood it, and a few of them were just like, yeah, it's never gonna end. It's like, dude, at some point you're going to be the Bee Gees in January of 1980. It happens to all genres of music and the. In the. So few bands figure out how to do it, how to age gracefully from One era to another. And like I was saying, like, I think I was talking about that. I don't care what fucking podcast is. You. You have to. I don't know how to do it, but somehow you have to, like, your music has to age with you. So you don't look like a. Like Justin Bieber has got to write some fucking middle aged. When he's in his middle age, you know, because he can't be singing about whatever the, whatever the fuck he sings about, you know, I mean, he looks stupid at 40, you know, and it makes every people, everybody in the crowd feels old. Then you start, oh, my God, we're gonna die. You know, you just see your mortality when they come out. I remember the first time that I saw that was when, like 10 years ago when David Lee Roth came back with Van Halen and I went to go see Van Halen, I was like, oh, my God, this is going to be great. Right? I can't believe he's back. I saw Diamond Dave, went on the Eat him and Smile tours. He's gonna be throwing, you know, I'm just thinking he's gonna be throwing kicks and jumping off the stage, doing the fucking smoke, right? And dude, he came walking out on stage and I swear within two I was like, oh, my God. And like within five seconds, like, ah, he's old, I'm old. We're gonna die. Everybody's gonna die here. And I get like this wave of depression just hit me, you know, until I really realized, like, wait a minute. Like, you know, guitarists and drummers don't get old. Mean they do, but like, you know, they can still fucking, you know, if they have a technique or whatever, they can still fucking. Still fucking shred. And I forgot that Eddie and Alex have been playing again for like 50 fucking years. And they were unbelievable. The singer has it the worst because your voice naturally drops. And of course, everyone from my era actually fucking sang, you know, not to shit on Justin Bieber, but when I was watching that DJ thing on the Vice channel, they fucking. He shows up at some, some pool party, you know, where everybody's fucking, you know, turning their cameras around, doing selfies and the peace sign and the duck lips and all that shit. And he shows up to sing his song and he's just clearly fucking lip syncing. He's not even trying to do a good job and everybody's freaking out. There was a few times, like, he took the mic away from his mouth, pointed at the crowd. You could still hear him singing and nobody gave a shit. There was no band. There was nothing. And all these YOLO douches were going fucking nuts.

[Paul Verzi]

It's like, how is that acceptable?

[Adam Ray]

I don't know that. That shit makes me feel old. Like back in the day, if you ever got caught, Milli Vanilli, the whole fucking. He, Milli, he, Milli and Vanillied his whole fucking way through that, nobody gave a shit 20, 30 fucking years earlier, you know? I guess it's because those guys technically never even sang on the track. I don't know. Everybody's doing fucking commercials now. I mean, it's just back and it's. The whole thing has just changed. You just do whatever you want. You don't have to sing. You can fucking, you know, you can lip sync your way with your. Your hit song through a commercial for fucking Underoos. And it actually equates to more album downloads. Evidently, I should just be sitting on a porch right now, watching young people walking by, yelling at them. That's what this podcast is just slowly becoming. So anyways, I'm watching that channel and the next thing Nia recorded was this thing about the. It looked like those same guys that I saw when I was in London, the Middle Eastern dudes who fly on a cargo plane, fly in all their cars with the same ridiculous rap, you know, or maybe it's a paint job. I think it's a wrap that they put on there, you know what I mean? They got like the fucking. It's like that mirrored finish. Like those three people in Shanann now with the gold suits, they'll do that to, like, Mercedes and all that. Well, when they're back in their country, another status symbol is to own a, like, endangered species or exotic animals, as they call them. And these guys, they owned, like, cheetahs and lions and tigers. It was the most disturbing thing. And I don't even coming at this in like a PETA way. I just sat there going like, dude, that is a lion. You got it on a leash. And these things kept. You know, they'd have their friends over and they'd sort of lunge at them, and then the friends would jump out of the way, be like, whoa, whoa. Like, laughing. It's just like, if you saw how big these things were, it's just like they could like, sort of like at 30%, like, slap a refrigerator, and the thing would tip over and go flying across the room. You know what I mean? And these guys are with these things. So this lady goes over there, this white lady, making white people look stupid as she's like, she goes over to this guy's goddamn house. He's got a giant lion, all right? And he goes, well, we'll get. Or a tiger or some. And he goes, all right, we'll get you comfortable. We'll let you play with some smaller ones first. So she's playing with these little ones. And immediately I said, I wouldn't with that. A long time ago, I was on Opie and Anthony, they brought in a baby tiger, one of those little white ones or some. And they asked me if they wanted a hole, if I wanted to hold it. I was like, no, the thing was upset. It didn't want to fucking be there. And I've been scratched by a house cat, fucking killed, right? And all it got me with one goddamn claw went right down my forearm. I had to put all this shit on it so I wouldn't get some sort of goddamn disease. And I'm looking at this. This cute little baby tiger or lion, whatever the fuck it was. One of those Siegfried and Roy once, the Mariah Carey one, where it's all white, you know? And I'm just looking at the size of his paws. I'm like, that thing's paws already are like four times the size of a house cat. I've got scratched by a house cat. This thing's in a bad mood. I don't want to. I don't want to deal with the thing. You know what's funny? He's actually scratched Anthony, if I remember correctly. And he had to get like a tetanus shot or something. Some sort of ointment had to be put on his neck. So anyway, so this lady goes in there, right, and she's playing with them. She's like, oh, my God, they're so adorable. And was really not impressed with the intellect of the woman. I thought they could have got somebody a lot smarter, right? So then she goes outside to meet this lion, okay, this lioness. And there's no way to describe to you how big a lion is. It's not very often that you get to see a person standing next to a goddamn lion. She walks up to the. In the general area, this thing, and the things immediately looking at her the way a fucking wild animal looks at you. You know what I mean? It's the same way. I've always said this. It's the same way, like, a fucking hooker looks at you where there's no bullshit, you know, you go into a bar, some woman looks at you, you know? You know, she's just trying to get a fucking Drink. A hooker looks at you.

[Paul Verzi]

It's.

[Adam Ray]

It's the real deal. Like, yeah, I will fuck you, okay? If the circumstances are, you know, if you got the money, I will you, right? It's the same thing with, like, lions. They looking at you like, if the opportunity arises, I will kill you. You know, dogs don't look at you like that. Lions look, you know, cats attempt it, house cats, you know, you turn around, you catch them stalking you and shit. But then you look at them and then they fucking run away. All right? Picture a cat doing that, a house cat. But you turn around and it's a lion. And it doesn't run away. It fucking lunges at you or maybe gives you that refrigerator bitch slap, right? So this fucking thing is looking at her, and he's the owner, who has no training whatsoever, brings this fucking thing. I'll do. My palms were, like, sweaty. I had to get. When I was watching it in bed, I literally stood up going, what the fuck are you doing? So the thing comes over immediately, starts crawling on top of her. It's on top of her and then she puts her hands on the side of the thing and starts like, like, you know, rubbing it, like it's a giant dog. And all I remember was that there's that YouTube video of that stuntman who worked with bears, and he had brought his. Some sort of relative in there who wanted to learn how to work with bears. And he told him to keep his hands down by his side. The bear came up and like, stood up on its back legs, put its paws on the dude's shoulder, and he instinctively put his hands on either side of the bear, which the bear took as, like an aggressive move and wanted to fight. And it killed this guy. So she puts her hands there and I see that, I go, oh, is this thing like a bear? I don't know. And all of a sudden she got just a little bit scared. And then the thing, like, collapsed down on her and it got weird really quick. And then the guy stood up with this rope leash and like quickly tries to pull the lion away, which she does. And this woman gets up like, ha, ha. That was. That was like a. I feel like.

[Paul Verzi]

That was like a spiritual experience. It's like, bitch, you almost got fucking killed.

[Adam Ray]

And then the guy goes, yeah, you got scared and it senses your fear. And then, oh, God. Thank God she didn't make any high pitched noise. Like the sound of an animal, like suffering, you know, I mean, you ever hear like a dog toy, you know, when they bite on it, it Makes that high pitched noise. It excites the predator in him. And so I say to Nia, I go, how far into this show before they show us somebody who got killed? I go, I say, about 17 minutes. They didn't. It was at the end of the show and they were just like two weeks after we left. This fucking woman, basically the housekeeper comes in, all right, she didn't fucking do anything. She's not like these fucking guys who for some reason, like, it's, it's just total like male ego shit trying to outdo the other fucking rich guy down the street that they get these things. They don't know anything about the animals. They fucking. At least that's the way it was presented. They didn't know shit about the fucking animals. And then they were like, no, the thing has a better life living here. It's walking around in a fucking cage. You know, it's like, dude, would you want to walk around in a cage? I mean, you could always get knifed. You could get killed the same way an animal couldn't in the wild. It's a fucking lion. Who's killing a lion other than another human being? So anyways, this fucking housekeeper came in and she got mauled by these fucking lions. And they bring the woman in and the guy tried to say a dog did it. And they were like, these injuries are a little more than a dog. And then the owner is like, well, whatever do you mean? It's like, well, she's missing her left arm and the claw marks on this. And he. So you know what the fucking asshole did? He had three lions, he went home, he shot all of them and then burned their bodies out in the desert so he, you know, so nothing would fucking happen to him. And it was just like, oh, yeah, it's like, yeah, there you go, there you go. Fucking inevitable. They had like cheetahs. This guy's riding in a fucking six wheeled Mercedes with a fucking cheetah. And that woman's getting in the car going, oh, it's, it's, it's acting just like a dog. It's panning, it's looking out the window. Maybe they had to get somebody. I'm not saying she was not a smart person. She just wasn't very aware of the situation, I feel. And I just kept hearing like it was back in the day, like 50 Def Jam comics did bits about how white people with wild animals. And so in a way I'm like, oh, this is good. For once it's not white people being idiots with wild Animals, you know, now it's Arabs. Let's, let's, you know, take a little heat off a whitey and then they bring this white lady in there and she fucking does everything that, you know, every one of those bits says that we do. So anyways, let's get to some of the, some of the reads here for the week if I can. If my computer is going to tell me to fucking, I don't know, update something. Oh, Jesus, here we go. Here we go. Wait, I have to promote this thing real quick. All right. I was supposed to promote this Regular Hero year in review. You can donate now and be a regular hero to change your life. Today. These people work around the world to help the disadvantaged. They, they are another. Yet another non profit. And I'm assuming that because it's on my podcast that this is a, this is actually a legit one. You know, they help out with Hurricane Matthew, Skid Row at Risk youth. Oh, Regular Hero show. Oh, fuck, I've done one of these. Oh, this is. What's this? Steve Simone think? Right? The regular Hero show has been a great fun awareness raiser. Thanks to comedians Bill Berg, Gabriel Iglesias, Dane Cook, Daniel Tosh, Chris Hardwick, Chris D'Elia, the World at the world famous Comedy Store in the Improv. Yeah, this is actually legit one. You know, in a world where so many of these nonprofits are a complete horseshit, this is actually a legit one, which is a very nice thing because everything's a fucking nonprofit. Like, you remember that, that, that lady from a couple months back, she, she lost her job at that nonprofit, yet another nonprofit, when she said that horrible shit about Michelle Obama, you know, and of course wrote it like a dope. She said something like, it will be so refreshing to have a classy, beautiful, dignified first lady in the White House. You mean that trophy wife? What, because she wears a red blouse, all of a sudden she's, you know, a better person? She wrote, I'm tired of seeing ape in heels. Not an ape in heels. And ape is capitalized like it's. I don't know, somebody's name or some like that. And so of course she gets, she gets bounced out of this nonprofit, she gets fired, because everybody knows that makes you less racist. You're racist. And then you lose your job and then you go, oh, wait a minute, what was I thinking? Everybody is equal. So anyways, then the, the fucking mayor from this town, Clay county or something, Virginia, Virginia, West Virginia, I guess, backed up her goddamn. Why you would do that? You know, even if you were racist, you think you'd be smart enough to keep your fucking mouth shut? This person co signed and what the other person said and then the mayor had to fucking resign. So anyways, they actually. So they fired the first lady who said it from the Clay County Development Corporation. Nonprofit. They're a corporation that develops shit, but it's not for profit. Well, let me ask you this. How is this woman not homeless? I don't get how you work for a nonprofit and you're not homeless. If there's no profit, how do they pay you? This is what all corporations do. I'm in business. I'm in business with a certain corporation that claims a 90 to $180 million loss a year. And the people I work with are buying mansions out here, redoing them. I don't know how that works. That's actually a different thing because they're not considered a nonprofit. They're considered a business entity. And if you don't show that you've earned any money, then you don't have to any taxes. So the corporation does it. But then everybody draws a salary. Now you have to pay taxes on the salary that you drew. But however, if you just say you're not making a profit, you don't have to pay any taxes. And I would think that all that extra money that you didn't pay taxes on you then just disperse amongst your employees. Right? So rather than making a million a year, you make 2 million a year and then you pay taxes on that. Right. I don't know how it works. I don't, you know, I'm too stupid to figure out how that works. But for the life of me, I looked up this non profit trying to figure out what the they do. I cannot, I can't figure it out. So anyways, they fired this lady and then like a month later, they just reinstated her. They just reinstated her. And I don't know, to me that is the Trump influence. I think that that's what everybody learned from Trump. It's just like you just say, hey, you know, that's locker room talk. Or you know, all right, he's fired and he comes back, you know, I'm back. Yeah, you know, I left for six weeks and I'm back, you know, and what, what I love with media is there's no follow up after the first story. The first story is done. There's this, the whole fucking, everybody flipping out, let's go burn the witch. And then once it dies down, then you just bring the person Back and nobody, they've moved on to something else. I don't know. It's really bizarre. I just don't know how somebody could be in business with somebody like that. It's nuts. Anyways. All right, all right. So according to the emails, somebody wanted me to look at this thing and it simply says crazy Asian sport. Saw this on Reddit and needed you to see it. Merry Christmas, twinkle eyes. All right, let's see what this is. Oh, my God. All right, let me hit pause here. This is basically. This is. I want to go to this. All right, there's this whole group of dudes, they're all dressed in white. Oh my God. They're all huddled around a pole and there's a guy sitting on top of the fucking pole. And then another group of dudes come in wearing orange shirts and the fucking. They all have on like Olympic boxing headgear. And when the fucking orange dudes come in, they're trying to knock the guy off the pole. This is like fucking ants fighting each other. Dude, you fucking asshole. How can you show me this and not tell me what sport this is? They try to knock the guy off the fucking pole. What is this called? And what happens is basically everybody gets piled on. Once the orange crew comes in, oh, there's a weak guy, he turned, he ran the other fucking way. They start jumping up on top of each other. Oh my God, I would be so fucking claustrophobic. It's basically like a rugby scrum. If you could throw fucking punches and you climb and just imagine a rugby scrum. And rather than the ball, one of the rugby dudes was sitting up on a pole and they're trying to fucking knock him off. Wow, dude, they're just kicking each other in the face. I, I swear to God. You know, how the did I get so lucky to be born in this goddamn country where they at least pretend to give a about your well being. And you're like, that is a fucking hardcore sport. You know what? Hats off to fucking Asia right there. I would love to see them try to get. This is barbaric. You know, try to do it in our country. Like, as everybody's listening from America, my country, I should say this is barbaric. This is, this is promoting violence against people with different kinds of shirts on. I mean, I don't even understand what is it? What is, what is the purpose of this? Can you please tell me the name of that sport? Am I ever going to get over this cough? I haven't smoked a cigar in forever. I'M getting eight hours sleep. Not really. You know, Nia's tossing and turning every minute now. I literally, you know, I, I, I sleep in bed for like half the night, and then after a while I just end up going upstairs and I fall asleep. You know, I want to do the same thing. Like when the baby comes, I'm just gonna be. When the baby cries too much, I'm just gonna be like, you know what? I can't deal with either one of you. And I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to put on an evening gown like Mariah Carey and lay here with my fucking diamonds on. I don't know, maybe it's just for the show, but I just look at it like this person is out of there at some point. Has just completely lost touch of reality. There's something about that when you get like backup dancers and they're all hanging on your every word and they literally want to be you. Like, there's no way to keep, keep yourself tethered to any sort of fucking reality. All right, advice. Age, different story. First of all, did I talk about everything I wanted to talk about this week? Oh, let's talk about how you guys doing with your cardio? If you're late to the podcast, you can still start right now, man. I've been trying to do a half hour cardio every single day because, you know, between Thanksgiving and New Year's, you eat all of this fucking shit, you put on weight, and then you got, you just start the year behind the eight ball. Behind the eight ball, right? I was like, I'm not doing that. So as of December 1st, I've been trying to do cardio, a half hour cardio every single day. And of course I fucked up, right? I. What did I do? I made it through the first 11 days. And then December 12, I had a busy morning. And you really got to knock it out in the morning, which I didn't. And the day got longer and longer. And then I came home, Nia was watching some fucking tv and she was just like, I need comfort. And I was just like, all right. Acting like I was a good husband rather than like, I don't wanna get on that fucking elliptical again. So I missed a half hour on the 12th, 13th, I did my half hour. So I had 12 out of 13 days. 14th I missed. Then I was like, fuck, this is becoming a trend now. I owe that machine down there 60 minutes plus the 30 for today. That was Friday, December 15th. So I got on that elliptical, baby red cakes I got on the thing and I did an hour and 11 minutes, 71 minutes out of the 90 minutes. I just looked at it like it was a basketball game or a sporting event. And I was down by 90 points. And so the next day I started my day, I was down 19 points plus the 30 I had to do. And I ended up doing an hour on the elliptical. So now I was up 11 minutes. And then I liked the. I liked the results of doing a fucking hour. So then on say I did an hour and four minutes. So then, now I'm up. I was down 90 minutes. Now I was up an hour and 15, also known as 75 minutes. And then yesterday I did an hour and 15 minutes. Minutes. So I don't even know what I'm up at this point. 45 minutes plus an extra 45, I'm actually up 90 minutes, something like that. I don't know what the fuck it is. I can't really remember. But all I wanted to do, I was going to do a half hour every day and that was going to be so 31 days. That would be 15 and a half hours of cardio. But now I think I'm just going to do hours every day for the rest of the year. I weighed myself the other day. I was 177. Now when I came back from fucking Europe, I was a buck 90. So I've taken 13 pounds off since. Since that trip. So I don't know, it's all about the fucking cardio. I would love to do that, you know, if I. If. You know what the reality is, is if you got an elliptical every day and did fucking 60 Minutes, if you just did that, you know, and when you do that, when you put together a playlist, that's when you got to love. I tell you, you got to love like bands like Iron Maiden when they have six seven minute songs, you know, at least the songs are at least four minutes, which is a huge chunk, you know. And I just put my sweatshirt over the clock and I'm just like, I. I just peek at the clock after every song's done. All right, so if you're just doing a half hour of cardio, you got to listen to Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. It's a 13 minute song, you know.

[Paul Verzi]

Hear the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner.

[Adam Ray]

The whole thing, they got a shame, right? You listen to that whole thing. The curse hit hard, hit high, right? You're gonna go from 27 minutes down to 14 minutes. Like this is a joke. I always try to put it on, you know, have it come on time. It was like 21 minutes, you know, and then I just cover it up because the next time I look, I'm going to be in single digits. I'll be down in like eight or nine minutes. It's fucking tremendous. But anyways, I. A buddy of mine, my drum teacher was showing me this song this week, and I don't know how I slept on this one. I've always been a big Soundgarden fan, and somehow I never heard that song. Rhinosaur. And as always, Matt Cameron with the sickest drums. I become obsessed with that song and that album. And when I saw it, I thought it said 2016. I was like, oh, they got back together. This is their latest shit. And then I looked again and said, 1996. Every fucking thing that I listened to. I don't know what happened to me. I think part of it because I got old and then I was also, like, trying to fucking get somewhere as a comedian. I just completely missed out on, like, 20 years of music and, like, half the shit people show me, I'm like, oh, that sounds fucking. You know, it always sounds like it's brand new to me when that come out. And they're like, yeah, like 2002. I'm like, Ah, I just. I just can't get contemporary. I got 20 years of shit I gotta fucking sift through. So if there's any other drummers out there, you know, part of my lessons is they'll play shit at the end. Like ear training shit. Like, you gotta try to figure out the groove you got. Oh, you gotta figure out what time signature it was in. And this was to figure out what time signature it was in. And of course, I was fucking it up. And few drummers out there, it's in six, but if you count the eighth notes, you just count up to 12, and the phrasing is seven and five. And I would play it for you on here, but I always just feel like, because I do advertising if I play any music, that all of a sudden somebody's going to come after me and be like, you owe us money because you made money off of me undies while you played our song or whatever. Anyways, what do you guys think of the Patriots yesterday? Everybody's flipping out about our defense. Like, I don't know what the big. You know, we beat the Ravens, and the Ravens, you know, there's. They got that Suggs guy, but back in the day, they had Suggs, they had Ray Lewis, and they had Ed Reed. So Their big three is basically down to one dude. And you know, they're not who the fuck they were. And then we beat the Broncos in Mile High, where we never fucking win. But they basically. They got a rookie quarterback. I don't know. I get so frustrated with the Patriots because it seems like they only protect their offensive players. They've been. I know I've been bitching about this, but they just. You know, that fucking cornerback, whatever the fuck his name is, Talib, whatever the fuck his name is. Like, when he was with us, that. That whole side of his whole quadrant section of the field was just shut down. What didn't we like about that? Why didn't we just keep that guy? You know, we always. We got fucking wide receivers. We got our quarterback. That's where we keep all our fucking. You know what? This is my theory. Bill Belichick is such a defensive genius. I think he just thinks like, you know what? I don't fucking need. You know, I don't. I don't. Look at this. My fucking computer just decided, you know, I said, you know, contact me in an hour. Now it's like, all right, an hour's gone by now it's just syncing with my fucking phone. Like, who's doing this? So weird. It's like all these fucking satellites just fucking pointed at you. I don't know. Anyways, I think he just is convinced that he can take any second round draft pick, train this person into being a. An NFL quality player at that position, slash borderline all Pro if you. And if you become an all pro, then he just gets rid of you the second you want money. Just been doing it forever back in the day, you know, we keep McGinnis, we kept Rabel. So our defense, I felt like, had an identity. Now it's like every three years, it's like a whole new defense. It drives me up the wall. I don't know. We'll see. Because I watched the Giants, you know, and, you know, like, all Patriot fans, every year when the Giants go on their run, you get this sickening feeling in your stomach going like, oh, fuck. Yet you want to play him again because we got to beat him one time, you know, And I was sitting there going like, all right, well, they lost Tom Coughlin. This is going to be huge. And lo and behold, they're doing it again. They're on another fucking run. All right. Yeah, the defense looks fucking amazing. You know, I'm not saying that defense doesn't look good, but it does not look as good as theirs. And I don't know, that's the Giants thing. Like, the only thing about the Giants is they don't score any fucking points for whatever fucking reason. They got Eli, who's a goddamn beast. They got the fucking. They got the diva there. What's his name? I don't. My short term memories for. I just thought Wyatt. I can't remember. His last name's the same name as the soccer player with all the tattoos who's married to the Spice Girl. Beckham. Bend it like Beckham. Odell Beckham. There you go. See that? I'm learning how my old brain works now. I gotta go on one of those brain exercise websites that try to help you with your short term memory. I don't know. I'm fascinated how they can have him at wide receiver, you know, I don't know if they're paying that Cruz guy a bunch of money, but they got Eli, they're able to keep him, but then on the other side of the ball, they got jpp, and if he didn't fucking mess up his hand like, they. They seem to be. They. They're more balanced, you know? So what if Chandler Jones wanted money, he earned it. Sometimes I just feel like we can. I don't know what the. You build. How many Super Bowls do they have to win before you realize Bill Belichick knows what he's doing? I know, I know. I'm just looking at the NFC west, and it just seems like they're stronger. I'll tell you right now, the Dallas Cowboys, you buying and selling. I'm selling. I don't believe in them. I don't believe in the Dallas Cowboys. I don't believe in that coach. I don't know about. You know, this is just totally based on. I look at that guy and I go, I don't. I don't believe in that guy. I just don't. Pete Carroll is a fucking beast. Eli is an animal. And their coach, who I swear to God looks like he won some radio contest, is. Is a. Is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Is a wolf in upper deck fucking eating a pretzel and getting mustard all over his face. Clothing. I think one of those teams. And this is really. Isn't going out on a limb, I think one of those two teams goes to the. To the Super Bowl. And having watched both teams, I think I would rather play. I'd rather play Seattle. And that's only because Seattle, you know, once you win a couple. You went to win a Super bowl, you go to back to Back, you know, they lost too many guys. Not to say that they couldn't beat the Patriots. They already beat us this year. But we'll see. We'll see. I never believe in my team. You know what I mean? I don't know why I always just see the, you know, why are we doing this? Why are we doing that? So anyways, we shall see. But be nice to play the Giants again and finally win. We'd actually would have to win that game or else Tom Brady would forever just get ripped on sports team talk radio by all his mouth breathing dopes. They would be like, you could actually say that Eli is better than Tom Brady. Like it was this one on one game. Like Tom Brady every Super bowl has not led his team down the field for the winning score. He's had to do that every super bowl that he's been in, you know, and four out of six times the defense went out and did their job, and two times they did not. And I'm not taking it away from fucking Eli, because two times Eli beat our defense, but he beat our defense. He did not beat Tom Brady. However, when you're the quarterback, you take all the blame, you know, all you got to do is look at Dan Marino and the ridiculous level of shit that that guy takes to speak despite the fact all the records that that guy. I. I've never understood it. It's just. Did he have to tackle people too? Was he supposed to run the ball up the gut to fucking eat up some of the clock? I don't know. It's just so fucking. The shit that Dan Marino gets is the dumbest. It's the dumbest ever. This is how much the game has changed, by the way. I looked this up the other day. Just because all they do is fucking throw the ball. And I looked up all time, you know, running backs just rushing all time for your career. And I'll tell you right now, what's his face, Emmett Smith, no one's gonna break that record. The way, the way they just don't run the ball anymore. No one's gonna get anywhere near that thing. Let me look this shit up like I looked it up yesterday and not now. I don't install these fucking things. Fuck off. Jesus Christ. It's like a fucking kid tugging at you. Mommy, mommy, mommy. Where we go all time NFL rushers. All right, where the fuck is it? Pro football reference. This is the best thing ever. So I looked this shit up, okay? And in the top 20, top 20, all like as of right now, there's only three active players in the top 20. The first seven are all retired. Okay, the highest ranking one is Frank gore, who has 12,931 yards. All right, then you got to go all the way down to 16. You got Adrian Peterson, who granted took a year off because he beat his kids up with something he found in the woods. Adrian Peterson. And then you got Steven Jackson at 18. All right, you go to the all time. Where the, is it passing? Where the hell is it passing yards. How hard is it to find that passing yards? All right, so there's only, there's only. There's only three active players. Top 20 rushing, right? Starts at eight and ends at 18. All right, passing all time. There's in the top 14, there's six active players. Six active players in the top 14 all time. There's only eight other QBs in the history of the NFL that has thrown as many or more yards than six current players. And the top two all time are Peyton Manning and Brett Favre. Peyton Manning just retired last year. Brett Favreau retired six years ago. It's unbelievable, like how much this game has changed. And there's only two really old school names in the top 20 is Johnny Unitis. Where's the other one? And Fran Tarkington. And once, what's his face like? John Elway, Warren Moon, that class. Dan Fouts, Joe Montana, they came in, they did their damage, dude. Kerry Collins is in the fucking. He's 16th all time. So here you go. So you got Peyton Manning's one, Brett Favre is two, Drew Brees is three with 65,462 yards. He's. He's less than 7,000 yards. Less about six, 6,500 yards away from owning the record. Dan Marino's fourth, then it's Tom Brady, John Elway, Warren Moon, then Eli Manning is eight, then Fran Tarkenton, then Ben Roethlisberger, Vinnie Testaverde, Philip Rivers, Drew Bledsoe, Carson Palmer, Dan Fouths. I've seen like everybody, all of these people play in my lifetime. I did catch the end of Fran Tarkenton, Dan Fouts, Kerry Collins, Joe Montana, Johnny unit said, I didn't see Dave Craig, boomer, esiason, Donovan McNabb. All right, Donovan McNabb is 21st all time. That's how much the game has changed. It's unbelievable. And what it is is that these guys are like throwing for 4 yards, 5, 6 yards that used to give to the running back. So I think Emmett Smith, Walter Payton, those guys, no one's going to touch this. I don't know. I don't know how you'd get enough attempts to even do it. Was there a point to that, Bill? Yeah, I'm just saying they throw the ball a lot. I guess that's what I'm saying. Jim Merce completely changed. And then another thing, too, is just the way that they protect the fucking quarterbacks. You know when they call it the Tom Brady rule. Because that time he turned around and looked at the referee and said, hey.

[Paul Verzi]

Somebody touched my jersey.

[Adam Ray]

And the referee was like, oh, I'm sorry. He fucking threw the flag. Yeah. Everybody calls it the Tom Brady rule, which I love. I love that they call it the Tom Brady rule because it is. You know, you got to protect your quarterbacks. That's your money. Everybody realizes that. You know, when. When the best, you know, everybody knows the quarterback, if that guy gets knocked out, no one's going to watch the game. So they protect the hell out of him. And they're like, yeah, everybody else and people who are not into sports, they're into offense. They want to see some action. So they just. They, you know, now it's like illegal to cover. Cover a receiver, you know, dude, Dan Marino, the shit you could do during that guy's career, and he still threw for like 60,000 fucking yards. I don't know. They always talk about steroids, right? And they put an asterisk next to your name. You know, they don't, you know, the same way they don't give Barry Bonds as. Just do. It's just like you're gonna sit there and tell me, you know, all of these guys were as good as Dan Marino with the yards they're putting up the fuck out of here. All right, advice, age difference and history. Dear Bill, I'm just a Bill Yes, I'm only a Bill. I'm a big fan of yours. I really enjoy your podcast. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. I am 28 years old and in a relationship with my girlfriend, who's seven years younger than me and who I plan on marrying. We're really great together, and I love her. Well, congratulations. The thing is, as our relationship has gone on, we've. I've been getting some static from people about our relationship. Well, who gives a fuck what they think? Like I said, she's seven years younger than me, but we've known each other for a while. We've met when I was working at my first job as a counselor at a camp when she was one of the kids. Oh, Jesus. When we first met, I was 17 and she was 10. Yeah, yeah, yep, yep. That's that creepy thing. That's that creepy thing because at some point you were like, oh, look at that little kid. That's the Woody Allen moment where you go, oh, isn't she adorable? And then at some point the switch flips to being like, hey, I think I want to fuck that. You know, there's no way to get around that, sir. You'd have to understand that. So anyways, he says nothing happened between us at that point. Well, I would hope so. It wasn't until we reconnected years later when we were older that we started talking again and really getting to know. Know each other. All right, well, I guess that's fair. But people are going to say some shit, right? Anyway, I'm getting shit from some family and friends because of our history. Just from an outside source, I'd like to know what you think. Do you think it's strange or weird? I know there's people out there 15 to 20 years apart. It's just with our history, it throws people off again. What do you think? From an unbiased perspective. Thanks. And go fuck yourself. Yeah, the thing is that you were 17 and she was 10 when you first met her. That's what makes it weird. Like my wife is 10 years younger than me, but I didn't meet her until I was like, you know, 35 and she was 25. Hey, Nia, come in here. Here's a question. Somebody, somebody's 28. What do you say there, Wendy? What are you so out of breath for? Come here. You gotta give me a place to sit here. Oh, Jesus. So this guy, he's dating this woman, right? He wants to marry her. He's 28, she's 21. He said, the thing is, I met her when I was a counselor. I was 17, she was only 10. He goes, obviously nothing happened then. He goes, obviously nothing happened then, but now that we're together, people are giving us shit. And I was saying how there was a 10 year difference between us, but I, you know, I was 35, you were 25. 5.

[Paul Verzi]

Right, so.

[Adam Ray]

So they're looking at you like you've been grooming her since she was like 7 years old.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah, but he like met her, but then didn't. Seems like he didn't see her for a while.

[Adam Ray]

Then they reconnected and had. Of course. Which happens. Don't worry about it. If you know, everything's on the up and up, just, just do your thing.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Is her family cool? With it, you know, Is her family giving him the side eye like he was grooming her or. Seems to just be friends. What do you mean, his friends? People that he knows are just like, this is what I would do. I would just. Whatever. Those people are giving him shit about it. I wouldn't. If you meet new people, I wouldn't tell them that that's how you first met him. Yeah, probably not. Not everybody needs to know your entire history in that way just because people will misinterpret it. But yeah, if you guys are fine, your families are fine. Like, don't worry about it. Yeah, as long as nothing happened when you were a counselor. Exactly. As long as you're sure nothing happened when you were a counselor, which I'm sure it didn't. He always wants to push her on the swing. Oh, God. I know, it's bad. All right, let's see now. I did it to you.

[Paul Verzi]

Sir, you're gonna.

[Adam Ray]

You're gonna have to. You know, there's a certain level of shit you're gonna have to deal with. Where you going? I'm going out to have a little breakfast with a friend. I didn't like the vagueness of that. You're having a little breakfast with a friend? Yes. I'm going to get smoothies with Chelsea Peretti. Oh, you didn't have to say that. Smoothies. Chelsea Peretti? Yep. Sacramento Zone. Chelsea Peretti. Is she from Sacramento? Yeah, she's from Sacramento. No, hella Sacramento. Hella Sacramento. She does say hella. Yeah, she's white trash from. She is. She's white trash from Northern California. She is. She's also a Republican, anyway. All right, where the fuck am I? Yeah, dude, just, you know, who gives a fuck? This is the deal. Once you get married, you have fucking kids and shit, you're never going to see anybody anyway. So who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck what people think? Go out and do what makes you happy, okay? As long as you're not hurting anybody and you're not breaking the law, please go out and do it before just being happy becomes illegal. Because, you know, just the level that the population is going in, you know, I'm thinking by the end of my life, I don't know what it's going to be like over here. I hope we don't end up like China when China, it's so fucking overpopulated. They got to like people. Nobody drive cars for like five fucking days. And just the. That they're dealing with is. It's brutal over there. What are you doing? Yeah, take the Prius. Take the Prius. I still have the Prius. Everybody. I'm going to be selling the car. I just. I can't find the title. So I sent. I sent in all the forms to the dmv. Bye. Enjoy your smoothies, you big Hollywood phony. All right, so I send it in to the local one and I fucked up. Not only did I send it to the wrong DMV, I wrote for some reason 2017 on the check so they thought I was trying to be pull a fast one. So then I end up having to send it up to fucking Sacramento. So I'm waiting for that thing so I can finally get rid of that other fucking car. All right, here we go. Girlfriend texts. Hey, Bill, I'm in. In a bit of a tough situation. I think you are. You wrote in twice and would love to hear your take on it. I'm 24 years old and was recently seeing a 33 year old girl. Whoa. I love it. Bada doo doo doo doo doo. Come and rub my fucking balls. You are fucking nine years older. For about six months within the time span, I cheated on her twice. I told her about it and although she was upset, we agreed to get back together and start over a new. Everything was relatively fine until last week. I went to her house before she got off of work to do some work on her computer when I noticed her text messages opened. Oh, Mac computers are usually linked to a person's phone, so I was able to see all of her texts. I'm sure you know by now where this is going. Oh, Jesus. Since she has gone through my text before, I figured I would take the same evasive liberty. Well, you've fucked around on it twice. I would think that she would be doing that. I found a particularly strange thread from someone named Lauren whom I found out was actually her ex boyfriend. And she had it in her phone in a woman's name. Oh God. They were sexting back and forth, talking dirty and exchanging pictures. I also found out she was sending him videos of us having sex. What the fuck? What the fuck? Whoa, dude, that's. I don't think that's legal. Is that legal? Wait, did you. How does that work? If you consensually let somebody. If you didn't know you were being filmed, I don't think that that's legal. This is what I do know. I'm not a lawyer and I have no idea what the lies. All right, let's continue. I confronted her on it and at first she minimized the entire situation, saying it wasn't really that big of a deal. Since then we've been going back and forth arguing. You know what, you guys are both like not ready to be in relationships remotely. And thank God you both found this out before you got married and had kids. She sense apologized, but I'm not really sure what to do. I did cheat on her. So does that even the playing field or is the whole thing just rooted in dysfunction and chaos? There you go. Walk towards the light. I can't tell if I'm just lonely and want her in my life again or if I should just walk away. Please help me here. I am emotionally involved in this situation, so it's hard to make a clear, objective correct. Dude, just walk away. Walk away. And you need to do some work on yourself because I think you're a fucked up dude and I'm saying this with empathy. You're a fucked up dude who's actually a relationship guy and probably would have just gotten married and had your own little fruit stand or whatever, but something up happened to you as a kid. You got weird boundaries. So you get into relationships with dysfunctional people, people and then you can consider, continue to fuck around on the side and all that. It's. It's actually a very common thing. So I would say what you need is you need to be single and you need to do some work on yourself. I may would go to therapy, figure out what your deal is, really figure out what the fuck it is that you want in life and what it is that you're looking for and then just take a baby step every day walking towards it. That's what I would do. But I would get out of this relationship and I would give her the same advice too. There you go. Yeah, get out of it and, and just know that you're going to be fucking lonely. But all it takes is like, you know, two to three months, you'll be fine. You know what I mean? Just make yourself go to the gym. What you got to do is you're breaking a routine and you're fucking used to this person being in your life. But like the further you go without seeing that person, the more objective you can be and you can look back and then one day you're just going to be like what the was I thinking? And it can actually be funny to you or you can really just see like, like, like what the is wrong with me that I would do that to a person? And what is wrong with me that someone would do that to me and I would Consider staying. You need some self esteem there, buddy. All right, girl with pet rat. Oh, Jesus Christ. Dear Billy Christmas Toes. I don't know what that means. I've been listening to the podcast for a long time. I recently came into a situation that resulted in me having to make a decision. Instead of writing into you and asking what to do in the situation, I decided to do what I thought you would want me to do and write in with the results. Dude, don't base your life on what the fuck you think I would want to do. But this is already interesting. Last month, a girl I'd been dating got a pet rat. Oh, boy. Got a pet fucking rat. Okay, is it Angelina Jolie? Didn't she have a rat? Or she had Billy Bob's blood around her neck? We had been dating for about four months and it was going well. I would say that if we were together about six months, I would have moved in with her. We really clicked. Well, she got a pet rat, and I wasn't down with that. Not because I had a problem with a rat in a cage, but her taking the rat out of the cage and holding it while we watched a movie. Bill, I can barely even stand a cat on a lap because I don't trust them. So I voiced my concern and she laughed them off and ended up being a bigger argument and eventually came back around to the rat. I told her it was me or the rat. She said she'd rather me. Oh, you missed a word here. She'd rather have me, I guess. Except there was a long pause and some serious thought. I really like this girl. And honestly, if my devotion ever came down to choosing between her and anything short of family or friends, would she or any girl ever accept that? Dude, you're so emotional. You're skipping words here. Probably not. They'd say, bail on the guy who's not sure if he'd choose you or. Or something that potentially spreads diseases. Anyways, that's what happened. Merry Christmas to the birds. Yeah, but what you're doing is she loves that rat, and you're making her get rid of something that she loves. So there's going to be, I guess, a pause. I don't know. I think that it was really bugging you. I think it was really bothering you, and you let it simmer, and then you just hit it with, you know, you were ready to talk about this for days, weeks, I don't know how long. And then you just caught her off guard, and she's been bonding with this thing, and you made her Make a Sophie's choice between you or the rat, which, I gotta tell you, I don't know about that move. I don't know about that move. You could have easily just said, listen, I respect the fact that you like a rat, okay? You know what the first thing I would do is? I would look up life expectancy of a rat, all right? And I don't mean someone that snitches. Because I think everybody, even I know at this age, as white as I am, that snitches get stitches. No, I'm kidding. All right? Life expectancy. What do you guys think, huh? What's the overrun here? How long can a fucking rat live? I'm gonna say they live six to eight years. You know, if those are the prices, right? And I was the last person to fucking. I would say six, but I'm gonna say eight. Eight years life expectancy of a rat, Two years, dude, it only lives for two years. All right? This is what you say to her. If she hasn't got rid of the rat, come back and say, listen, I know you love that rodent. Here's the deal. The things only live two years, all right? I plan on being with you in two years. Can you do me a favor? Make this be the only rat you ever have, all right? Okay. She agrees to that thing and then just put parameters. When I come over and we're watching Sleepless in Seattle, I don't want to have a threesome, if you know what I mean. Just keep it in the fucking cage when I'm not here. You want to roll around the floor, get yellow fever, whatever the fuck you want to. Whatever rats do, if you want to do that, that's fine. I just, you know, I don't want to fucking deal with the thing. You could have done that, but, you know, you kind of made her. Like, what's she gonna do with the rat now? Like, how do you get rid of a rat? Is there like a fucking adoption agency? This is make me feel bad about my dog again, which is, of course, been brutal. I'm not gonna talk about it, all right? Yeah, you just let the fucking thing go. Do you know those lines? You know, once those people have those fucking lines and tigers and cheetahs for a long enough time, they can't release them back into the wild because they don't even know how to fucking hunt anymore. You know what I mean? That really blew my mind. They don't know how to hunt anymore, but they can murder a fucking housekeeper. I mean, it's just how the fuck? Do you have that in the house? There's no fucking way. This was in Kuwait, by the way. I don't know why I said Saudi Arabia. Kuwait. Exotic pet deaths. Let's see what we got here. Lions, tigers become problems. Pets in golf. Big cat killings, maulings. Big cats escape. All right, here we go. This is 2014. This is a website. You want to go to big cat. Big cat rescue. All right. Big cat killings, maulings and escapes. 2010Before lion attacks on humans. Here's a video I don't do. I want to watch this? Is it weird that I root for the fucking animals? Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, dude, look at those things. I was talking to Verzy, and we were talking about these big cats. Like, those big cats. They're literally the Lamborghinis and Ferraris of fucking. Of cats, you know, of animals. Oh, my God. It's fucking. It's got his fucking arm. It's got his fucking arm, and he's trying to slap at it. Oh, my God. Jesus fucking cr. You're fucking idiot. This guy's trying to remain calm. This is. Dude, there's one guy, he's dealing with this lion attacking him. Then the fucking. There's another guy slapping at the fucking lion, and it's got his fucking leg. It's just sort of holding him. He's almost away. He's almost away. Oh, my God, he's fucking got him again. Dude, you should have got the fuck out of there. Get the out of there. And this guy, he's still staying in the fucking cage. Oh, there you go, you dope. Oh, this is like the top 10. All right. You got to go to this bigcat rescue dot org. And this is another guy. He's getting bit by this goddamn thing. It's weird, man, when they decide that they're going after somebody. Like, the other guy can just totally be like, get the. You know, the other guy's like the friend in the bar going, come on, man. You don't need this. You don't need this. This thing is just going after this one fucking dude. Lion attack number eight. All right? He's petting the back of the thing. He's petting it. You know, it's a fucking lion. And then boom. Oh, it's got his arm. I've seen this one. It's got his fucking arm.

[Jake the Snake]

Ugh.

[Adam Ray]

Now his friends. His friends are pulling. It's a tug of war with this guy right now. And the other guy is funny. He tries to hit the lion, but he's too afraid to go near it, so he keeps hitting his friend who has it in his fucking mouth. Wow. Lion attacks hunter. I've seen this one. I don't like that one because they kill the fucking lion. Jesus Christ. You know what? I got to be honest with you. What you don't see in any of these fucking videos is women that own fucking these things. You know, guys is just such fucking dopes. Anyways. All right, that's the podcast for this week. If you guys missed last Thursday's podcast, you got to tune into it. Rich Shidner, man, this guy gives you basically a stand up comedy history class. He's one of my favorite guests I've ever had on the podcast. I could have talked to him for like two hours. You have to get his book. You know, it's about his life as a stand up comedian. Was it Walking through the Ashes of Stand Up? My Life as a Stand Up Comedian. You got to get the book because, you know, he started to tell me those. Johnny. The first time he did the Tonight show, he had cocaine bag, a little baggie of cocaine in his fucking pocket. He said the next time he did it, he did a joke about heart attacks. And Johnny was really nervous about having a heart attack because he smoked and hated him. And they made sure that he stayed in the fucking dressing room. They're like, you're never doing the show again, and blah, blah, blah, and all those type of shit. It's fucking. The book is amazing, but you gotta listen to the podcast. I have the links and everything. It was last Thursday. If you're really a fan of stand up, it was just effortless. It was one of the fastest hours I've ever done on the podcast. Totally fascinating. Please check it out. It was from. What's today's date? I don't fucking know. It was last Thursday. God damn it, Bill. Let's see. Thursday, the. Let's see. 11, 12, 13. Was it the 15th? Ah, Jesus, Bill, come on. Can you get your shit together here? All right, 2016. Yeah, Thursday the 15th. Check that one out. All right, that's the podcast. Go yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.

[Jake the Snake]

What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything better podcast show, NFL edition for week number 16. How the hell are you guys doing? You got your hosts here. Paul Versi, Bill Burr. We got the Greek freak.

[Paul Verzi]

Wait, is next week the last week of the regular season?

[Jake the Snake]

Two more.

[Paul Verzi]

Two more. That's right, because everybody gets the bye week. Okay.

[Jake the Snake]

Wild. And of course, we have Jake the snake, the injury report guy. But first we have to shout out our great sponsor. It's the bet. MGM. It's BetMGM, everybody. BetMGM is offering fifteen hundred dollars in free bets to get your season going. How do you get this offer? It's four easy steps. You download the BetMGM's app to your device. Use code burr B U R R. Very simple. You sign up and you deposit at least $10 in the BetMGM sportsbook account. You place your first wager and you receive up to $1,500 in bonus bets if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled. Also, they have the first touchdown. What you do is you bet a. Do a prop bet on a player in any game that you think is going to score the first touchdown of the game. If they don't score the first touchdown, but in fact score the second, you will get your stack of cash back. There you go. Bet responsibly. Have a good time. Bill, how the hell are you doing?

[Paul Verzi]

I just went for an old man walk, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Nice.

[Paul Verzi]

You know, I got my steps in.

[Jake the Snake]

Nice.

[Paul Verzi]

You know, I go the other way, Paul. I go the other way during the holidays. People balloon up. I fucking start losing weight.

[Jake the Snake]

Nice.

[Paul Verzi]

Sit in the corner. I don't talk to anybody. You know, they feel the depression of the end of the year and I sort of ruin it for them. Then they go outside, I go outside. I go outside. I'll smoke a cigar or something. And then, then everything's good.

[Jake the Snake]

No, no holiday cookies for you. You know what? Me neither.

[Paul Verzi]

What am I, 8 years old? Dude, dessert past a certain age is. It's for women and kids, all right? Women. I give them a pass, you know what I mean?

[Adam Ray]

They.

[Paul Verzi]

They're given blood every month. Their hormones are all over the place. They don't know what they need. A cookie, right? It's like, what are you doing as a man?

[Jake the Snake]

A little German chocolate cake, though, man, after a meal. Who would have thought German chocolate cake would be one of the best desserts ever in history? It's amazing.

[Paul Verzi]

You know, Paul, that's slightly offensive to me as a German.

[Jake the Snake]

You are German, which is nuts because I always.

[Paul Verzi]

You know what, Paul, you kind of just said, whoever would have thought those fucking crowds could make anything in the goddamn kitchen?

[Jake the Snake]

Who would have thought those crowds could be happy?

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, this is a bad joke. Hey, they're good with ovens, but not for cooking, you know what I'm saying?

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Paul Verzi]

Not during the holidays. I hate when people grow in history. I'm not advocating it, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

I, I got one for you, dude.

[Paul Verzi]

Can I eat some scrambled eggs here, Paul? I need a little protein after my brisk old man walked through the neighborhood.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude, my son's basketball team played a team of kids that were all Jewish. And these kids come out and I'm not joking around, dude. Some of these kids had, you know, yarmulkes on and stuff. And I just leaned over to a dad jokingly and I go, dude, I never seen that on a court. But that's got to be one of the like, least most intimidating things I've ever seen on a basketball court. Dude.

[Paul Verzi]

I like it.

[Jake the Snake]

They beat us by 45.

[Paul Verzi]

That's what I like. Yarmulkers on. Go fuck yourselves.

[Jake the Snake]

I love one kid had like bling on his yarmulke, draining threes. I'm not joking.

[Paul Verzi]

Well then now you learn something. When the Jewish kid shows up and he has bling on his yarmulke from downtown.

[Jake the Snake]

One mother, I swear to God, one mother in the, in the bleach that goes, hey, don't judge a book, okay?

[Paul Verzi]

Dude, people forget. They were.

[Adam Ray]

They.

[Paul Verzi]

They had, they had champions in boxing. They just haven't done it in a minute, dude. Sandy Julian Edelman, come on.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, that reminds. That reminds me of the.

[Paul Verzi]

I will say, you don't see a lot of fast gingers running the court.

[Jake the Snake]

The, what was it, the Zucker Brothers movie Airplane. She goes, you want to read something? She goes, give me something light. She goes, here's a leaflet. Famous Jewish athletes or something. But, dude, they're Sandy Koufax, dude.

[Paul Verzi]

Well, that's the thing. They have like legends. It's a nice, you know, it's like somebody with like, like a refined taste with the car collection. He didn't buy every car. He just has a few that he likes. Yes, they got big enough guys to. To shut them down, I feel.

[Jake the Snake]

Jewish boxer or no, you got to.

[Paul Verzi]

Go back to the black and white days, like the middle white things when they, they were living in ghettos and stuff and they were like, you know, they had to fight their way out.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Never underestimate Paul, having no fucking money. How good you can become in boxing.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, anything really.

[Paul Verzi]

Chris Rock did a bit about that a long time ago.

[Jake the Snake]

What did he saying?

[Paul Verzi]

The broker you are the better you are at boxing. And was talking about how black people were dominating it. And then he picked some other group. He goes, but there's, you know, there's whatever there's Some so and so gonna come in and kick his ass one day.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, no, I'm trying to think of, like, the stereotype athletes, like, Italians were good and, well, Italians. There's not many Italian. You have Rocky Marciano.

[Paul Verzi]

Italians were good with the referee's pulse. Let's not. Let's be honest here, okay? In boxing, in. In. In basketball, that's where the Italians thrived in sports was with the officiating.

[Jake the Snake]

That's great. All right. We're going into week.

[Paul Verzi]

My people were all bleeders.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, but your people were tough as nails.

[Paul Verzi]

German. Well, I mean, I'm mostly German, so I. I can't click, dude. I'm from. I'm just an idiot from Massachusetts. All right. That's what I am.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude. Whatever started this, though, when you fight.

[Paul Verzi]

I honestly think, dude, that was like a logo. I think that was the fighting. I don't think anybody ever did that. And then I think when you watch movies that they have old timey thing they don't like. If you watch. Was it Jack Johnson, that heavyweight from like 100 years ago? He wasn't doing this. No.

[Jake the Snake]

That movie, though, that movie that took place in Ireland with Tom Cruise, was it called Far and Away, where they were like, like gentlemen. They had, like, shirts and they had.

[Paul Verzi]

The suspenders and everybody got Cruise in a period piece. That's not what they really did, dude. So much that Hollywood just comes up with. People think. My brother took this tour one time when he was in the Grand Canyon, and Native Americans, Indians, whatever the. You're supposed to say, were given the tour, and he was showing how his tribe played the drum. He goes, you play it like this, we play it like that. Play it this. He goes, however, we never played it like this. And he starts going, that was some. That my people came up with in Hollywood.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

All I'm not gonna lie.

[Jake the Snake]

If I ever got into a fight and a guy came at me like this, I'd be like, I'm about to get up. This guy knows what he's doing.

[Paul Verzi]

I wouldn't think he's gonna hit you. He's gonna. I'm looking for the spinning back fist. You know what's great, right?

[Jake the Snake]

Yes.

[Paul Verzi]

It's straight back fist. Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, before we get into these picks, Jake, apparently Jake the Snake's got a big injury report, Bill. We got a lot of people out this week.

[Paul Verzi]

Jake the Snake, recently voted most eligible bachelor in Fullerton, California.

[Jake the Snake]

I heard that. Congratulations, Jake.

[Unknown Speaker]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Jake the Snake]

Look at that smile he's got. He's got the glasses on Paul.

[Paul Verzi]

He just jumped up. Offer for this podcast. Here we go. All right.

[Jake the Snake]

What do you got, Drake?

[Unknown Speaker]

No glasses this week. Well, the biggest injury is Patrick Mahomes. He got hurt last week, but he's expected to play.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Paul Verzi]

He's bringing his fingers trying to get a holler coming up. Does that what happened?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, it was just the ankle this time, and then.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, that.

[Paul Verzi]

He had that a few years ago, right?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

What's up?

[Paul Verzi]

Is that the same injury from a few years ago?

[Unknown Speaker]

I don't think. Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's as serious this time. And then, yeah, they thought he was gonna be out for a bit, and then the line came out and it flipped to minus three for the Chiefs just recently.

[Adam Ray]

So I think.

[Unknown Speaker]

I think everyone is expecting him to play.

[Paul Verzi]

Dude, I bet the Browns last week because I was like, that's such a gift that the Chiefs are going to win.

[Adam Ray]

I'm only.

[Paul Verzi]

There's no way. And then they just killed him.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, I was on the Chiefs.

[Paul Verzi]

You don't have to rub it in. There's no reason to rub it in. All right, go ahead.

[Unknown Speaker]

Speaking of the Browns, their season is pretty much over, but Jameis Winston is getting benched as well. But he's not the only quarterback getting benched. Kirk Cousins has been benched for rookie Michael Penix from Washington. So they play the Giants this week, so we'll see how he looks out there. But on the line. Yeah, they paid him $150 million and they're benching not even one year into the contract, so that's a pretty.

[Paul Verzi]

How old is Kirk Cousins?

[Unknown Speaker]

36 or 37 off the torn Achilles. So, yeah, it's gonna be a tough road for the Falcons with that deal. Another big injury is T.J. watt. He got hurt at the end of the Eagles game. He was. Yeah, he was limited this week, so we're not sure yet, But Steelers are 1 in 10 when he's been out, so that's definitely one to monitor. And the other team that's starting to accumulate injuries are the Lions. They have a lot of injuries, but the biggest one is they're starting running back David Montgomery. He's out for the year. Towards me. Yeah. So they have a good backup.

[Paul Verzi]

Jake, you got any good news this week? My God, Jake the Snake is earning.

[Jake the Snake]

His money this week.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

All right, good.

[Unknown Speaker]

Good news is Herbert's playing and Patrick Sertan for the Broncos, I guess. And then trying to think, yeah, I don't know how there's not, not.

[Paul Verzi]

Not.

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh, and Gino Smith, he got hurt against the packers last week. He'll. He'll be out there as well. So those are kind of the big ones. I also saw Burrow and Baker are hurt, but I can't imagine those two not playing.

[Jake the Snake]

So. And Cincinnati's still in it, right?

[Unknown Speaker]

Since I. Still in it. Yes. I mean, there's the Charger Bronco game tonight is definitely going to be a big indicator of whether or not they can make the playoffs because they play the Broncos next week. So I think if the Broncos lose, that would probably help their chances. But I don't have the exact numbers there. But. But yeah, it's a big week for the playoffs for sure. It's gonna be a lot of good football.

[Jake the Snake]

Thank you. Jake to Snake coming in just pro.

[Paul Verzi]

It's. He gives you the bad news, but then he ends with the positive. It's gonna be a lot of great football. I mean, that's. You let him down easy, Jake. You do the gift bag with your women like Derek Jeter.

[Unknown Speaker]

I think it was Larry David or someone who had the. The breakup strategy.

[Paul Verzi]

Part of Jake's. Part of Jake's gift bag. He gives him four picks for the next week.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, go buy your.

[Paul Verzi]

Go buy yourself something nice with these picks.

[Jake the Snake]

Before she leaves, he just goes, come here, sweetheart. Just flips her piece of paper.

[Paul Verzi]

I got inside information. Not nearly as hard as they're saying. All right, take that, take that for what it's worth. Touches her cheek, she goes away. All right, let's get into the picks. Who's going first?

[Jake the Snake]

You go first. Because I had though when I had to do it myself. So you go first.

[Paul Verzi]

All right. My Patriots are 14 point underdogs going into Buffalo. I'm feeling a little disrespected here. Okay. We all know where we're at. You don't have to bring it up with the spread. I think. I think the Bills are going to cover that and then they're going to be like, you know what, we need to save some guys here for the playoffs. And then maybe we. We get a little back into it and then we cover it. I feel like they're going to be up 17, they're going to take Josh out.

[Adam Ray]

I don't know.

[Paul Verzi]

They'll take them out. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm taking the patriots Lane getting 14 going into Buffalo.

[Unknown Speaker]

All right. You get a lot of points.

[Jake the Snake]

It's a lot. Yeah. All right. I'm gonna take Watt. Not being in is Just such that. That's Watt. Not being in is tough, dude. Bo Nix is playing good. I don't like this week.

[Paul Verzi]

I like this week, Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

I like it, but then I don't because it's too obvious, Paul.

[Paul Verzi]

You know, you said you didn't like it and then I said I liked it. Don't jump on my light. Like it? No, it's like, say what you're feeling, Paul. Find your voice on this podcast.

[Jake the Snake]

It's like, you know, she's pretty, but then she's crazy. You know, it's one of those weeks that makes.

[Paul Verzi]

You know, it's like, you know she's pretty, but it's late. Like to coming on.

[Jake the Snake]

Why is she still here? Why is she still here?

[Paul Verzi]

Why is she single?

[Jake the Snake]

Why she still. Why she.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, here's the best one. Why is she talking to me?

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, that one I understand. Okay. All right. You know what my initial thing. My initial thing was to go with the Texans getting three and a half and I'm gonna take the Texans getting three and a half from the Chiefs.

[Paul Verzi]

I mean, Paul, who's going to argue with you?

[Jake the Snake]

I mean, look it I don't like, you know, it's the half a point is why I'm doing it. Let's take the Texans to keep it close. That's my first.

[Unknown Speaker]

I like it. That sounds fun.

[Paul Verzi]

You know what? I'm going to take the Raiders. Oh, minus one. You're playing the Jaguars. Both those teams are in a bad place. Who's the Jags backup quarterback? Bubby Brister.

[Unknown Speaker]

Mac Jones.

[Paul Verzi]

Mac Jones. Yeah, me and.

[Jake the Snake]

Feels like I'm gonna double down.

[Paul Verzi]

Mackie Jones. Maggie Jones. Maggie Jones. And what are the Raiders got? Mitch Trubitsky.

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh, man. Yeah, They've gone through a bunch of quarterbacks. I think it's. They're on Desmond Ritter. I've never haven't heard much about him.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, geez.

[Unknown Speaker]

Also Max.

[Paul Verzi]

No, you know what? That game.

[Unknown Speaker]

Max Crosby's out for the year too.

[Jake the Snake]

Wow, he is.

[Paul Verzi]

Okay, forget it.

[Jake the Snake]

Mad Max.

[Paul Verzi]

What happened to him?

[Unknown Speaker]

Some ankle surgery, I guess. I think they're just trying to tank and get Shador Sanders.

[Paul Verzi]

Look at you saving me a pick there. All right, well, then you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take the Lions minus six and a half going into what used to be Soldier Field. Whatever the hell they did to that. I'm gonna go with them, you know, because. Why not? Why not? You know, I like the half a point because it always you, Jake. That's what I'm looking for.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, I'm gonna take the Cincinnati Bengals laying seven and a half. I think Joe Burrow and the Bengals are going to the playoffs. I think they're playing good right now. The Browns are finito. Let's go. They're going to blow them out at home. I love saying they win by 20 plus.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, me too.

[Paul Verzi]

Sorry. I love that pick, dude. I wish I saw it. Wish I saw it for what it was. I'm take the Rams laying three and a half going into the Meadowlands.

[Jake the Snake]

That's fantastic.

[Unknown Speaker]

I love that pick.

[Jake the Snake]

That's. That's my. That's the better pick. No, that's. They look good.

[Paul Verzi]

That's always happened when everybody goes. Oh, man, that's a good pip. You're always gonna. Goes right down. Oh, it goes down.

[Unknown Speaker]

I'll be on that show.

[Paul Verzi]

Go, go. My wife working out the Jets.

[Jake the Snake]

All right.

[Paul Verzi]

You know, little aerobics.

[Jake the Snake]

Here's what I'm gonna do. Jake, nobody's hurt on the Chargers, right?

[Unknown Speaker]

Somebody hurt always. But we'll be all right. We'll be all right.

[Jake the Snake]

That's a true.

[Paul Verzi]

I'll be careful with that pronoun. We'll. We'll be all right. His heart's in this one Truth.

[Adam Ray]

We.

[Unknown Speaker]

Well, we got Herbert out there at the end of the day.

[Jake the Snake]

They need the win. They need to win. They gotta bounce back. They gotta win by three at home. The game's tonight. I'm gonna take the Chargers to bounce back tonight and beat the Broncos.

[Paul Verzi]

All right. You know what, Paul?

[Adam Ray]

I'm feeling a little dangerous this week.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, you know, I don't know what it is. Just feeling like I need a little confrontation in my life.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, bacon was good. All right.

[Paul Verzi]

Bacon actually wasn't good, so I don't know what we got. It was super thin and I cooked the out of it the other day because I'm used to, like, the. The other slices we have. I don't know, it's a little too. Too salty.

[Jake the Snake]

Wait a minute. You cooked the bacon days ago?

[Paul Verzi]

No, no, no. A few days ago when I first took this. This package of bacon out. I'm used to a thicker. This was almost see through. So what's good about is it cooks up quick, but it's. Even when you dry it off, it just tastes really greasy. But Paul, that's not what people tune in for. They don't want to know about my bacon.

[Jake the Snake]

You gotta pound that. You gotta pound that.

[Paul Verzi]

Then.

[Jake the Snake]

What movie? Oh, come on.

[Paul Verzi]

Is that Goodfellas?

[Jake the Snake]

No, Casino. When he's going to the car to get a blowjob with the showgirl.

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, is that what he says?

[Jake the Snake]

The car. You can scoot over, honey.

[Paul Verzi]

Dude. My favorite thing was when he's just getting rid of Sharon Stone and she's screaming and yelling. He's just going, all right, okay, okay. All right. Be careful.

[Jake the Snake]

She's like, I'm not afraid to go to the police. I'm not. Fingers. All right, okay.

[Paul Verzi]

All right, let's see you later. He's like, all right. I really up this time. All right, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna take the Cowboys at home. Getting four. I hate the pick. Right as I said it. I just feel like the Buccaneers are going to ease up, you know, if Baker's a little bit hurt. I know. Paul. I got nothing. I've been underwater. Do we finish the script? We finished the script.

[Jake the Snake]

Congratulations.

[Paul Verzi]

The next today and tomorrow and then we hand it in. Oh, and then I put my freckled feet. Feet up, Paul. And I wonder where my fall went.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's amazing. Congrats.

[Paul Verzi]

Thank you. I think it's going to be for those of you who liked old dads.

[Adam Ray]

It's.

[Paul Verzi]

I wrote it with Ben Tischler again and we're. We're psychedel. We had no ending with the ending's the hardest. How do we do a fucking ending that isn't cliched or isn't like that's from Hollywood. How would this shit really end but still be satisfying? We fucking walked across the street, had nothing, got a cup of coffee, sat down, drank, talked, and then came back. And all of a sudden it just. That's the best when you're writing. When you get stuck, go for a walk ball, let the horses run. You gotta. You gotta get the out of there.

[Jake the Snake]

By the way, dude, I saw one of the last. I saw the last episode of the. The series episode.

[Paul Verzi]

The ending.

[Jake the Snake]

Final ending of Yellowstone. Dude, I don't know. I don't know if. If it could. It could be done better as far as the ending of something, but to the point where it was so real and realistic of something that comes to an end that I was literally just really sad. I was just sad. The way they did it was amazing.

[Paul Verzi]

What level said. Are we talking end of football season sad?

[Jake the Snake]

No, like. Like packing up your grandparents house after they died and you're just walking out with the last box sad.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's really sad.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, like. Like a room that your whole life was furnished and you're playing in. And then you just take those hollow steps and it's empty. And you walk out and close the door with the last box set. It was. Dude, I'm not gonna lie to you.

[Paul Verzi]

You're taking your Dominique Wilkins poster off.

[Jake the Snake]

The wall one by one, slowly. Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Remembering when you push those in.

[Jake the Snake]

But as you're doing it, you glance out the window and rehash playing soccer in that yard. Oh, I mean, dude, it was making.

[Paul Verzi]

Me not want to watch the last episode.

[Jake the Snake]

No, but, you know, like, the way sometimes they want to go out, blaze a fire, just, you know, this was. Not that. This was like, oh, this is how it is when things end. But still a good episode. So I thought it was fantastic. It's too bad that Taylor Sheridan and Kevin Costner didn't get along, because it would have been good. But the good news is Cole Hauser. Cole Hauser, who plays Rip, was a amazing character. And Beth, who are together. Who was Kevin Costner's daughter in it? Kelly Reilly, who was so incredible. Took me, like three seasons to realize that she was British in an interview. One of the best characters ever. They have a spin off coming on now on their ranch, and it's going to be great. So I'm. I'm excited about that. Anyways. I'm getting soft in my. I'm getting soft in my old age. Okay, dude, you show.

[Paul Verzi]

It's just a funny line.

[Jake the Snake]

What?

[Paul Verzi]

They have a spin off on their ranch.

[Adam Ray]

That's what.

[Paul Verzi]

You know. You're watching a cowboy show that's like the Real Housewives of Car of Cowboys. Instead of going to a different city, they go to a different dude ranch.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, man.

[Paul Verzi]

We're gonna ride the horses different here, man. Not like the last ranch.

[Jake the Snake]

What do I have one more pick?

[Unknown Speaker]

I think you made four, Paul. I think Bill may have one more.

[Paul Verzi]

Don't do. Don't.

[Jake the Snake]

No, Bill went first.

[Paul Verzi]

I went first.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Wait, he went first. No, my bad. Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

Then I don't know.

[Jake the Snake]

So.

[Paul Verzi]

Okay, well, you just saw there was a rare mistake by Jake the Snake. Rare mistake.

[Unknown Speaker]

Apparently Paul has one more.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, so I got.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah, call them, Paulie. Pick them, Paulie. Numbers.

[Jake the Snake]

Here's a game that I just. Here's a flip of a coin. The Dolphins. The Dolphins are laying. No, the 49ers are laying one in Miami. Is Miami eliminated, Jake?

[Unknown Speaker]

I don't know if they're officially eliminated. That was a bad loss last week, that line flip. The night the Dolphins opened up minus one and a half. So I think a lot of people are on the Niners, but, yeah, both those teams are I'm gonna take.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm gonna see if the Niners, one of these teams is getting a kill shot. I'm gonna take the home team. I'm gonna take the Dolphins. Getting one point at home. They've disappointed me every week, Paul.

[Paul Verzi]

I. I don't even like the level of your game, Paul. The level of your game. No, I'm saying, dude, the old Paul Versi. The old Paul Versi, he. You. You cashed in your 401k to put it on the 49ers.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, you know, it's a pickup.

[Paul Verzi]

The Paul Furze I used to be.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

This new Paul Versi. I don't know. You're just playing the game on a. It's like when Chris Everett Lloyd told Martina Navratila to start lifting weights and then she never won another one.

[Jake the Snake]

We'll see that. They've been bad for me all year, the Dolphins.

[Paul Verzi]

All right, well, let's get to the Monday night special. Yes.

[Jake the Snake]

Andrew, are you there?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, he's there.

[Paul Verzi]

Okay. That would be amazing if none of this was recorded.

[Jake the Snake]

You got. You got all the. You got all four. We got four each.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

You're good.

[Paul Verzi]

You. And you just said the Dolphins, so that's.

[Adam Ray]

That's your last pick.

[Jake the Snake]

All right, Bill, Monday night is the Saints and Packers, and the packers are laying 14 and a half. Oh, it's a big one, dude.

[Paul Verzi]

I don't think. I'm trying to think. The last time I saw a spread this big ever on Monday Night Football. They're usually pretty good games that they pick. The Thursday ones are a little. A little rough because people are banged up and. But yeah, 14 and a half points. All right, over.

[Adam Ray]

Under is 42.

[Paul Verzi]

Over. Under is 42 in the point spread. So they're basically saying the Saints are going to score, what, 10 points?

[Jake the Snake]

Jake, who's taking snaps for the Saints?

[Adam Ray]

Now?

[Jake the Snake]

I know they got. I mean, I know it's.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, it's been a. It's been a carousel, but car's been out. Car's out for the year. So I think they're going with Spencer Rattler, but it's Spencer Rattler.

[Bill Burr]

Who.

[Paul Verzi]

They said Rattler, and they said he.

[Jake the Snake]

Was the kid that transferred to Oklahoma, but they're saying it's really bad right now with him.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, he almost.

[Paul Verzi]

I thought they were going with Eric Hipple Jr. 60 year old, gets that reference. Bobby A Bear coming back from the Michigan Panthers.

[Jake the Snake]

I mean, dude, have we ever taken a favor. Have we ever taken a favorite that big in this on together on a Monday night. Rooting for that.

[Paul Verzi]

Hey, Paul, how about for our holiday? Our holiday hang? We do a zoom, you and me, and we watch the game smoking a stick, not a Zoom. Whatever. FaceTime. Whatever. Whatever kids call this.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, I would do it, of course.

[Paul Verzi]

All right. No pressure.

[Jake the Snake]

I mean, who am I?

[Paul Verzi]

Hey, Johnny Esposito.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, you remembered. He got it right.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah, Paul, I'm Johnny Esposito. I'm just standing there, dude.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm on the 18th green tiger, President.

[Paul Verzi]

Of the United States, starts walking towards me, and I'm like, he's got to be. He's got to be coming over for somebody else. And he just. He goes, hey, Johnny. And I'm looking like, you know, Johnny Weissmiller. Who's here? Johnny Esposito.

[Adam Ray]

Who am I?

[Paul Verzi]

Paul. Paul, this is the President of the United States. I'm Johnny Esposito. Just standing there. I got a Big Gulp and a putter in my hand. He comes walking, right. I didn't even know he knew my name.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm just a guy that puts one leg in. What is it?

[Adam Ray]

How does.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna That up. You know, I'm. You go one leg at a time in the pants. One leg at a time in the pants, dude. I just can't. I can't get.

[Paul Verzi]

He puts his pants on one leg at a time. What was he on there? Beat ahead. Beat a dead horse while it's done. Kick a horse while it's down instead. You don't want to kick a horse while it's down. Yeah, you don't want to kick a man when he don't kick a man when he's down. And you don't beat a dead horse. You don't kick a horse when he's down. Well, you've been doing mashups before. Mashups.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, man. Let's go. Let's take. Let's take the favorite, Ego Money.

[Paul Verzi]

You can go Moneyline. There's no money in it. It's like minus 1,098 of the money's money line is on.

[Jake the Snake]

Where's the fun in that?

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah, there's no fun in that.

[Jake the Snake]

You're right.

[Paul Verzi]

There's no fun in that. That's just, you know, that's like slapping an ice cream cone out of.

[Jake the Snake]

Or do you want to give the Saints a little bit of dignity? And we take the Saints starting the game 14 and a half, and hopefully they get an early score or something. I don't know.

[Paul Verzi]

You know what the hard part Is. Is. I like both fan bases. I've done stand up. We both stand up. I. You know, I had a great time in Appleton, and who doesn't have a good time in New Orleans?

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, this ain't personal.

[Paul Verzi]

This is not personal. It looks personal. It's business. Have you been to Lambeau, Bill? Yes.

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh, man.

[Paul Verzi]

I went there one time. I watched a preseason game. Brett Favre versus the Browns. I got a great picture or something, and then somebody stole my camp. Like, broken in my apartment, took some things, and I lost original Soldier Field picture of me in it and Curly Lambo before they added more seats up to the top.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, man.

[Paul Verzi]

And Brett Favre was there. It was only a preseason game. And then I was supposed to go to the game with you and Bartnik, and I was doing that movie, so I had to leave.

[Jake the Snake]

Me and Bartnik went to one. We stayed, and it was cold, and we're drinking. We got into this billionaires party. It's a whole thing, but we were just sitting there hammered in the thing, and every once in a while, Bartnik would look.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, wait.

[Paul Verzi]

I went. Years later, I went with Nate Craig and all my buddies from Massachusetts. We went to a Seahawks, packers game. That's right. So I ended up getting to a regular season game up there. It's. It's amazing. I was gonna say, how'd you get into that party? But Bartnik probably just walked in holding a cigar. They couldn't stop him.

[Jake the Snake]

No, it was. It was me, dude. They gave us this. The. The. The guy that owns it also owns a hockey league, a hockey team in a little arena. And they were giving out. They were like, oh, you guys get to go tailgate inside? And they were like, you could go get vodka cranberry. And it was shitty vodka, and it was horrible. And I went to the bathroom, and I see this glass room with this woman decorating it with all high end bottles of vodka. So I go, what's going on in here? And I was already kind of half sauce. So I open up and I put my head in. She goes, oh, hey, like, typical. Nice, Wisconsin. I go, what's going on? She goes, oh, so.

[Paul Verzi]

And so is having a party.

[Jake the Snake]

It was the guy who owned the whole thing. And I go, oh, yeah. I go, me and my buddy are in town for, you know, I'm doing stand up. And she goes, oh, really? I go, yeah. I go, this looks awesome. She goes, well, you know, if you guys want to sneak in or you come in. And we went in and we sat there, and then the billionaire showed up. It was fun. And then Bartnik hit it off with him. It was so funny, man. It worked out great.

[Paul Verzi]

Did he call in the hit on Epstein while you were standing there, or did that happen later? Later.

[Jake the Snake]

I think it would be great if.

[Paul Verzi]

You just heard some billionaire talk.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, yeah. No, it was nuts.

[Paul Verzi]

World War three is next weekend. Not two weeks. Next weekend. We're going into China. Who's the guy over there with the beard? We'll get him out of here. All right, let's pick the game here, Paul. Are the Saints gonna come marching in? Are the packers gonna send them packing? Who do you like?

[Jake the Snake]

I think I like the packers to win by 20.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah. Jordan loved to just throw it all over the yard.

[Jake the Snake]

It's their weather. They need the game. Do they need the game?

[Unknown Speaker]

Kind of, you know, maybe for standings, but they should be in the playoffs.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah, they're 10 and 4. They're in the playoffs. And then Houston's a game behind them.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, well, Houston a game behind. They're probably going to try to get some home field. I think we take. I think we go for the blowout.

[Paul Verzi]

Let's do it. Jordan loved to throw one. Packers 14 and a half. What's the over?

[Jake the Snake]

Under 42.

[Unknown Speaker]

Down. Maybe take Josh Jacobs.

[Jake the Snake]

Bill likes the over. I like the over, too. And with all those points. Let's do that. Let's do packers over.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah, but the Saints gonna be anemic and not score any points. That's what I'm worried about. And then they just shut them down.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Verzi]

42. I don't like that number. Let's do something else. What'd you say, Jake?

[Jake the Snake]

Josh Jacobs to run one in and he's having a great year.

[Paul Verzi]

Do it.

[Jake the Snake]

All right.

[Paul Verzi]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Okay. So we'll do the Packers. We'll do Josh Jacobs to score, and we'll do Jordan love to throw one.

[Paul Verzi]

Jordan love to throw one.

[Adam Ray]

A day early next week since I.

[Paul Verzi]

Think next Wednesday is Christmas, so.

[Adam Ray]

Is it Wednesday?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, Christmas.

[Paul Verzi]

I'll see you guys on Wednesday, Paul. You know, maybe we'll do it Monday. Pencil in the cigar. You know, if you can do it, you can do it. If you. We can't. Yeah, maybe we'll do it Monday because Christmas Eve, you know, go be with the family.

[Jake the Snake]

So we're gonna have one more show before Christmas.

[Paul Verzi]

We got one more before Christmas. Christmas, Friday, right? Wednesday. Wednesday. The out of here. It's Wednesday. I know it's Wednesday. What the hell's today?

[Jake the Snake]

Thursday.

[Paul Verzi]

No, the number of 19 oh. 19. Oh, I thought it was, like, the 17th.

[Adam Ray]

I know.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's crazy.

[Paul Verzi]

Okay. All right.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, you've been in the writer's room too long. Okay?

[Paul Verzi]

Oh, dude, believe me. Yeah, believe me.

[Adam Ray]

Oh.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, congratulations on finishing. That's awesome.

[Paul Verzi]

I haven't seen Bill. I haven't seen Bill without him either coming from or going to a writer's room. Just sandwiched every podcast he's done in the past, like, you know, eight weeks, so. Yeah, but it was. It was. I was gonna say it was worth it. I don't know. I'm just. Just happy I'm done. All right, now we have to go polish the script. Paul. You know why, Paul? Because writing is rewriting, Paul. To just steer it into a tree. All right. All right, everybody.

[Bill Burr]

That's it.

[Jake the Snake]

You have our picks. You got the Monday Night special. Download the app, use our code. Burr Burr. Put at least 10 bucks in, and you'll get 1500 in bonus bets if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, you just got to wait for the first wager to be settled. There you go. Have a great week. Enjoy week 16 for myself and Jake the Snake and Bill and the Greek Freak. We will see you guys next week. Gamble responsibly and have fun. Enjoy your families. Happy holidays.

[Paul Verzi]

We'll see you.