Utah, I.D.'d For Coffee, The Ladder | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-26-26

Summary

---

Monday Morning Podcast

Episode: Utah, I.D.'d For Coffee, The Ladder | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-26-26
Date: March 26, 2026
Host: Bill Burr (with Andrew Themelis and Club Soda Kenny)
Theme: Rants on privacy, corporate culture, sports fandom, relationship advice, and social commentary, all delivered in Bill's signature irreverent tone.

---

Episode Overview

In this high-energy, wide-ranging episode, Bill Burr returns from Utah and launches into impassioned rants about invasive ID checks, government and corporate overreach, the illusion of personal freedom, sports loyalty, and the emptiness of the billionaire chase. Bill shifts gears between fever-pitch social criticism, hilarious outrage at sandwich shops, parenting stories, and helping listeners navigate messy relationships. The tone is classic Burr: brutally honest, profane, and laced with sharp humor and introspection.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Utah Rant & Privacy Concerns

Starts ~00:23

• Bill visits Utah and marvels at the state's beauty and spaciousness but quickly notices "police state" energy lurking beneath the surface.
  • On Utah’s appearance:
    "It's like flying into a fucking postcard. It's ridiculous. It's absolutely gorgeous." — Kenny, 00:23
• Outrage over having to scan a driver's license to buy coffee or a burger, even without ordering alcohol:
  • "I went to a coffee shop...the barista asked me for a fucking...wants to scan my driver's license for a fucking cup of coffee. You shouldn't scan my driver's license ever. You're not a governmental agency. You’re a fucking coffee shop." — Bill Burr, 02:19
• Burr rails against the hypocrisy of people who trash California’s regulations but accept corporate surveillance quietly:
  • "All you fucking people out there who are trash in California...you can't even get a cup of coffee!" — Bill Burr, 03:21
• Data privacy indignation: Staff scan IDs, likely bundling and selling personal data:
  • "They bundle it and they sell it. Name, address, driver's license number. Who wants it? Who has the most amount of money? They have no respect for your fucking privacy." — Kenny, 02:15

2. Racism, Distraction, and Loss of Rights

Starts ~04:48

• Burr connects the public's willingness to accept surveillance to being distracted by divisive politics ("look over there!") and racism.
  • "It's fucking racism. That's what it is. Because they got you thinking just because you got white skin that you got some sort of Delta Sky Miles as a fucking person..." — Kenny, 04:49

3. Corporate Greed: The Jimmy John’s Sandwich Saga

Starts ~03:39

• Bill vents about the declining quality of sandwich chains, with clever takes on cost-cutting measures:
  • "I got the roast beef sandwich. The amount of extra shit that wasn't roast beef. Four pounds of fucking lettuce, these crunchy fried fucking onions just trying to fill the sandwich up. I couldn't even see the roast beef. And somewhere there is a CEO that is considered a genius...that saved them 0.02% per sandwich that went right into his pocket. And that cunt is sitting there on a yacht and I'm sitting there with a mouthful of fried onions..." — Bill Burr, 04:25

4. Corporate Monopolies, Historical Context, and the Media

Starts ~06:13

• Bill launches into a historical riff, connecting the 1960s protest era to the rise of corporate monopolies and media consolidation.
  • "They figured everything out in the 1960s in this country and they sent a message...if you try to help out the common man, you're not going to make it...Then along comes Rupert Murdoch, Ronald Reagan's in office...He deregulated everything and created these monopolies that you see today." — Bill Burr, 06:13–07:37
• Critique of customer service erosion:
  • "In like the last, like, 40 years, it went from the customers, always right, to 'fuck the customer in the ass' and then send emails back and forth within your company, laughing about how hard your fucking your customers." — Kenny, 08:08

5. The Hollow Fulfillment of Billionaires

Starts ~10:12

• Bill reflects on stories of wealthy families:
  • "He had more billions than you could ever...spend in a lifetime. And all his kids were angry and they were suing him. And I was just watching it thinking, this guy doesn't get life." — Bill Burr, 10:24
• Relates this emptiness to his own career and the "crack high" of performing:
  • "Killing in front of a crowd is as great as that is...it lasts for 10, 12 minutes. And then you’re walking back home to whatever life...if you don’t have love and a full emotional, like, real life to go home to...it’s empty." — Bill Burr, 11:45–12:07

6. MotoGP, Sports Passion, and Parenting

Starts ~14:41

• Burr shares excitement about MotoGP, going to Austin, and the appeal of famous vehicles and drivers.
  • "I gotta figure something out. It's so fucking exciting. You know, when you watch that stuff...They're famous, you know?" — Kenny, 16:26
• Attending a Utah Mammoth hockey game; fans' enthusiasm and connections between community, sports, and family.
• Parenting bit: teaching his son hockey and the joys of passing on sports traditions:
  • "Now my son wants a Posternach jersey and he wants me to teach him how to play hockey. So I said, all right, we'll set up some nets in the driveway. He goes, 'No, I want to do it on the ice.'" — Bill Burr, 19:36

7. Nostalgia for Sports and Shifting Allegiances

Starts ~21:20

• Bill reflects on the changing nature of sports fandom, hockey rivalries, and finds himself cheering for backup teams if his Bruins don't make the playoffs.
  • "If my Bruins don't make it, I'm gonna root for the Sabres. I always have a team that I root for. And it always bugged me in 1999, like, the Sabres got jobbed in that thing, man." — Bill Burr, 21:20

8. Deeper Concerns About Technology and Surveillance

Starts ~23:49

• Bill loops back to the real threat of tech-enabled authoritarianism:
  • "I really just think all of this technology is so that the sickos...always wanted to run the whole world and they just couldn't...But if they know who you are, where you are...How the fuck could you ever rebel?" — Bill Burr, 24:21
• A bleak note on leadership and the manufactured loss of collective action.

9. Celebrating Utah’s People & Closing Reflections

Starts ~24:44

• Despite his frustrations with laws and corporate culture, Bill makes sure to credit the beauty and good people of Utah:
  • "As much as I don't like the way these States are run, I do love the people that live there...God damn it. That is a gorgeous state." — Bill Burr, 24:44

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On privacy and ID scanning:
  "You're a coffee shop. And let's say, even if I was getting a drink, what the fuck happened to just showing you my ID proving that I was of age? Why do you have to scan it now? Why do you have to track me?" — Bill Burr, 02:22
• On corporate sandwich shops:
  "Somewhere, there is a CEO that is considered a genius because he figured out that fried onions were cheaper than the actual lunch meat and that would fill it up. And that cunt sitting there on a yacht and I’m sitting there with a mouthful of fried onions..." — Bill Burr, 04:25
• On American distraction:
  "They got you thinking just because you got white skin that you got some sort of Delta sky Miles as a fucking person so these fucking white people can take away all your fucking freedoms because they're sitting there going like, no, no, no, look over there. Look at the immigrants..." — Kenny, 04:49
• On billionaire emptiness:
  "This guy doesn't get life...those corporate people are so heartless because what they're chasing isn't real. It's not fulfilling having 50 Ferraris." — Bill Burr, 10:24–11:06
• On parenthood and priorities:
  "When I actually started working on myself as a person...and working on my relationship with my wife beyond just, you know, making her laugh and hanging out, but really like listening to her, it put everything in perspective." — Bill Burr, 12:44–12:56

---

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:23–03:40: Utah trip recap, privacy outrage, getting ID'd for coffee and burgers
• 03:40–04:48: Jimmy John's sandwich rant, cost cutting, and corporate greed
• 04:48–06:13: Bill ties privacy issues to racism and political distraction
• 06:13–08:43: Historical media monopolies, Reagan/Murdoch, customer service decline
• 10:12–13:06: The hollowness of success, billionaires, meaningful life lessons
• 14:41–16:40: MotoGP, excitement for sports, Utah Mammoth hockey game
• 16:41–24:20: Sports fandom, parenting, growing up with sports, nostalgia
• 23:49–24:43: Surveillance society, technology, and the danger of corporate power
• 24:44–end: Praise for Utah’s people and landscapes, prepping to wrap up content section

---

Style, Tone, & Final Thoughts

Bill's tone throughout is fiery, unapologetic, irreverently profane, often funny, and surprisingly poignant. He weaves big social critiques with personal stories, everyday annoyances, and shoutouts to local businesses, sports teams, and fans. The episode is dense with memorable one-liners and quotable rage, but also moments of vulnerability and reflection.

---

This summary omits advertisements and strictly covers main discussion content. For listeners who missed the episode, this guide provides an engaging walkthrough of Bill Burr's rants, passions, and sharp sociopolitical commentary from his Utah adventure and beyond.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on?

[Andrew Themelis]

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday Afternoon, Just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you.

[Bill Burr]

I'm sorry,

[Andrew Themelis]

how's it going? How are ya? I just got back from the great

[Kenny]

state of Utah, man. Which, if you've never been there, it's like. It's like flying into a fucking postcard. It's ridiculous. It's absolutely gorgeous.

[Andrew Themelis]

The streets are wide. You know, there's space. There's still a lot of mom and pop shit out there.

[Kenny]

Even though I see the expensive apartment buildings being built by, quote, developers. It's fantastic.

[Bill Burr]

For 24 hours. For 24 hours.

[Kenny]

It's fucking amazing. And you're sitting there going like, oh,

[Bill Burr]

this is why people trash California.

[Kenny]

This is why they talk about California is this, and California is that. And oh, my God, I'm so glad I live out here and I don't

[Bill Burr]

live in crazy California. And I was there for 24 hours

[Kenny]

before I realized that I was living in a fucking police state. I gotta tell you, man, all of this hate that California gets. You know something? I can get a cup of coffee without showing my driver's license and having it scanned

[Bill Burr]

it.

[Kenny]

I went to go get a burger. The same thing, right?

[Andrew Themelis]

I go to get a burger.

[Kenny]

I'm with club soda Kenny, we want

[Andrew Themelis]

to get a burger.

[Kenny]

And they go, do you have an id? I go, why? They go, we serve alcohol here. So I go, all right, well, we're not drinking.

[Andrew Themelis]

They go, wait, that. So we go to Hannah. The lady takes her phone to go scan the thing. I covered it up real quick.

[Kenny]

I'm like, what are you doing? She goes, oh, we have to do this.

[Bill Burr]

This is a law.

[Kenny]

It's such.

[Andrew Themelis]

And then people try to say, that was some Mormon.

[Kenny]

That is not some Mormon shit. That's some corporate shit and that's some government shit. We're going to see where you are at all times.

[Andrew Themelis]

And then this. This fucking restaurant, what do you think they're doing with that shit that they scan? They bundle it and they sell it. Name, address, driver's license number. Who wants it?

[Kenny]

Who has the most amount of money? They have no respect for your fucking privacy.

[Bill Burr]

I went to a coffee shop. I was. I went out to get coffee at

[Andrew Themelis]

fucking 7:30 in the fucking morning. And the barista asked me for a fucking. He wants to scan my driver's license for a fucking cup of coffee. You shouldn't scan my driver's license ever. You're not a governmental agency. You're a fucking coffee shop. And let's say, even if I was getting a drink, what the fuck happened to just showing you my ID proving that I was of age? Why do you have to scan it now? Why do you have to track me? So here's my question to all you fucking people out there who are trash in California. And you guys, you're all informed.

[Kenny]

You all know your rights.

[Andrew Themelis]

You all have a fucking gun collection. You got a big truck with these bumper stickers that go. These colors don't run. And you allow that to happen in your fucking state. You're all upset about immigrants and meanwhile

[Bill Burr]

you can't even get a cup of coffee.

[Andrew Themelis]

I had to go to fucking Jimmy John's. Jimmy John's, that fucking shithole? Well, you. Jesus Christ, can I fucking do anything without.

[Bill Burr]

Bang.

[Kenny]

Everybody's doing construction.

[Andrew Themelis]

It's not that.

[Kenny]

It's a fucking leaf blower anyway.

[Andrew Themelis]

I had to go to fucking Jimmy John's. And I go to Jimmy John's. There's not as much meat as there used to be on the sandwich. Instead, they fill it up with all this other crap. I got the roast beef sandwich. The amount of extra shit that wasn't roast beef. Fucking, you know, four pounds of fucking lettuce, these crunchy fried fucking onions just trying to fill the sandwich up. I couldn't even see the roast beef. And somewhere there is a CEO that is considered a genius because he figured out that fried onions were cheaper than the actual lunch meat and that would fill it up. And that saved them 0.02% per sandwich that went right into his pocket. And that cunt sitting there on a

[Kenny]

yacht and I'm sitting there with a

[Andrew Themelis]

mouthful of fried onions wonder.

[Bill Burr]

Wondering where the roast beef is.

[Andrew Themelis]

So anyway, how the. How the. Do you sit back and you accept that you have to get your fucking driver's license scanned for a bunch of corporate cunts? After all you're fucking posturing about how awful California is in all of this shit.

[Bill Burr]

Because you know what it is?

[Kenny]

It's fucking racism. That's what it is. That's how they get away with it. Because they got you thinking just because you got white skin that you got some sort of Delta sky Miles as

[Andrew Themelis]

a fucking person so these fucking white people can take away all your fucking freedoms because they're sitting there going like,

[Bill Burr]

no, no, no, look over there.

[Andrew Themelis]

Look at the immigrants. Look at the illegal immigrants. Look at the blacks, look at the Chinese, look at the Venezuelan. And you fucking look every time. Fucking police state. And they had all these great mom and pop places.

[Kenny]

I got to give some a shout out.

[Andrew Themelis]

I went to a cigar place out there.

[Kenny]

The Beehive was fucking fantastic.

[Andrew Themelis]

Regular people, great people, great conversation went in there. They helped me out. They were fucking great. Fucking great. Fucking did my show at that.

[Kenny]

That. That. Whatever the name of that theater was.

[Bill Burr]

Crowd was great.

[Andrew Themelis]

The mountains are great, the air is

[Bill Burr]

fresh, streets are wide. I just.

[Andrew Themelis]

I fucking love that city.

[Kenny]

But you can't do anything without them

[Andrew Themelis]

scanning your fucking driver's license. And all these idiots just driving around,

[Kenny]

fucking American flag this, American flag that, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, you know what?

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Kenny]

I'm not trying to blame anybody here with this. I'm just frustrated because they figured everything out in the 1960s in this country and they sent a message, and it's why we haven't had a leader since then. Other than some corrupt politician. Whatever color tie that they're wearing. The message sent in the 1960s is black or white. If you try to help out the common man, you know, you're not going to make it. That's basically what the message was. And then they also learned when a bunch of young kids stopped a war through protest, they also learned that they're like, well, we got it. We got to control the narrative. So what happens? Along comes a guy named Rupert Murdoch. Ronald Reagan's in office, and he. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to play by the

[Bill Burr]

rules

[Kenny]

that prevented a media monopoly. So he goes in there and he greases fucking Ronald Reagan, who everybody thinks is a great guy because they go,

[Andrew Themelis]

oh, he beat the Russians.

[Kenny]

Ronald Reagan defeated the fucking Russians.

[Bill Burr]

It wasn't the corruptness of the people

[Kenny]

running Russia wasn't that. It wasn't all these other Americans. It wasn't the military. It was fucking Ronald Reagan.

[Andrew Themelis]

Meanwhile, that guy deregulated everything and created

[Kenny]

these monopolies that you see today.

[Andrew Themelis]

Open the door for it. Rupert went in, palled around with them.

[Kenny]

Next thing you know, he could start

[Andrew Themelis]

the fourth network, Fox, and on the Daily.

[Kenny]

We're not the Daily News to own the Post.

[Andrew Themelis]

And then that just opened up for

[Bill Burr]

what the fuck we got.

[Kenny]

Now we have. I always want to say Ted Templeman,

[Andrew Themelis]

Ted Turner, or Rupert Murdoch's

[Bill Burr]

spin on what the fuck's going on in the world.

[Kenny]

Open the door for these monopolies. And that's why in like, the last, like, 40 years, it went from the customers, always right to fuck the customer in the ass and then send emails

[Andrew Themelis]

back and forth within your company, laughing

[Kenny]

about how hard your fucking your customers.

[Andrew Themelis]

Did you see that shit with Live Nation? Two employees were laughing about how bad they were screwing their own customers. No apology from Live Nation. Nobody gets fucking fired. That was the death of your company back in the day. But if you're, you know,

[Bill Burr]

if you're

[Andrew Themelis]

a monopoly, you don't have to care. And, you know, all you had back in the day was your reputation, how well you treated your customers and how good your product was. Now you have a monopoly. It's like, fuck you. We're running the game. But Live Nation, by the way, is not a monopoly.

[Kenny]

They're not a monopoly. They just pay a $200 million fine every six years to whoever's in office. It's insane. I just don't understand, like, how you as a human being get off on screwing people and how that's just, like, rewarded. It's just, it's. It's completely just. I don't know, It's. It's batshit. But I feel like we're gonna hit the wall soon and it's gonna bounce back. Because I'll tell you, even if you're the person people over, there's no, like, fulfillment in it. You know, I actually watched this documentary on this super rich family, and it was one of those classic things, like, know, like the Kennedy family way back in the day, where they would, like, you know, the dad's like a complete, like, reptile businessman who just. Anybody and doesn't give a.

[Bill Burr]

And

[Kenny]

he feels like he wants his kids to be like that too. So rather than giving them love, he has them compete against once one another. And whoever's the most heartless, I don't know what, gets to sit next to him at the table.

[Bill Burr]

I'm over.

[Kenny]

I'm overly simplifying this, but, like, this family was doing the same thing, and they were like. This dude was like, he had more billions than you could ever. He had more money than you. You could ever even spend in a lifetime. And all of his kids were angry and they were suing him. And I was just watching it, thinking, like, this guy doesn't get life. You know, I, And I think that that's why those corporate people are so heartless. Because what they're chasing isn't real. It's not fulfilling having 50 Ferraris.

[Bill Burr]

You know, it doesn't, like, give you

[Kenny]

the warm fuzzy feeling.

[Bill Burr]

They don't find love.

[Kenny]

They just don't get life. And they just keep.

[Bill Burr]

Okay, maybe if I have 4 billion, maybe if I have 5 billion. They just damaged people who are good

[Andrew Themelis]

at business, but because they have all that money, we're all looking at them like, wow, they must know something that I don't. Or like they must be, they got

[Kenny]

to be smarter than I am or something like that. I, like, I don't know.

[Andrew Themelis]

They're smart in certain areas, but not in the shit that counts. And I don't know, I'm sort of projecting.

[Kenny]

What I learned in my business was, what I learned is going up as a comedian, killing in front of a

[Bill Burr]

crowd is as great as that is.

[Andrew Themelis]

It's like a crack high. It lasts for like 10, 12 minutes. And then, you know, you're walking back

[Bill Burr]

home to whatever life.

[Kenny]

You know, back in New York, when I walked home or la, driving home to whatever life you've created and if

[Bill Burr]

you don't have anything to go home

[Kenny]

to, if you don't have love

[Bill Burr]

and

[Kenny]

like this full emotional, like real life to go home to. I don't know, I don't, I don't know. It's empty. It's empty. So I mean, I've seen that and I was guilty of that in my business. I was like, oh, maybe when I start working the improvs, when I get to that, maybe if I get to the theater level, if I could just

[Bill Burr]

do this, if I could get that.

[Kenny]

And it just, it never, never like filled me up.

[Andrew Themelis]

And then when I actually started working

[Kenny]

on myself as a person and

[Bill Burr]

you

[Kenny]

know, stop being such a, being such a meathead and working on my relationship with my wife beyond just, you know, making her laugh and hanging out, but really like listening to her,

[Bill Burr]

like, it

[Andrew Themelis]

put everything in perspective.

[Kenny]

Now it's like, I'm a comedian. I love being a comedian, you know, I fucking do my shit, whatever. It's a fucking job.

[Bill Burr]

That's it.

[Kenny]

And that's what I was watching, watching

[Bill Burr]

this guy, this guy's got like four

[Kenny]

or five billion dollars sitting at a table with lawyers across from his kids who are suing him, not talking to them.

[Andrew Themelis]

At what point do you just go like, dude, I got enough money, kids, let's fix this. Sorry, just never happened. And you know, I blame for all of that. I blame God.

[Kenny]

I blame God. He makes all of these lunatics. He makes all of them and then walks away from it.

[Andrew Themelis]

Yeah, I was the devil they chose, you know, I gave him freedom of choice. Well, maybe you shouldn't have. We got electric, we got these self driving cars that take it away. Your choice of driving or not.

[Kenny]

By the way, I heard those Way MOS is like climbing into your phone or sitting in a microwave

[Bill Burr]

kind of makes sense.

[Andrew Themelis]

I can't imagine this.

[Kenny]

I don't know anything about this, but I can't imagine the signal that needs to be blasted up and come back down to keep that thing moving. Anyway, let's say something positive. I absolutely love Utah, and my heart goes out to you that you gotta fucking have your driver's license scanned everywhere you go. I don't know. This insane level of monitoring an individual getting a cup of coffee or trying to get a sandwich is not a good sign to me. It's like nobody's rebelling. What the Is the problem?

[Bill Burr]

What are you.

[Kenny]

It's. What are you up to that you're gonna need to know where the everybody is at all. At all times. Because that's really what that is. Because that. They try to blame it on Mormons. Oh, yeah. They got these weird tobacco and alcohol. So what? I'm not purchasing either one of those things. I'm getting a cup of coffee.

[Bill Burr]

I want a burger.

[Kenny]

You're not scanning my fucking driver's license. I don't see the Mormon Church here. What I see is a corporate business taking my personal information and then bundling it and selling it.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Kenny]

Bizarre. Anyway, I gotta watch that Brazil race of the Moto GP, and I'm actually making a trip out to Austin. MotoGP's coming out there. I'm only going to be there. I gotta figure it out. I don't know if I can make it for the whole race. I actually have some business out there, and it just so happens MotoGP is out there. So, I mean, I kind of gotta go. I gotta figure something out. It's so fucking exciting. You know, when you watch that stuff every week or whatever, whenever they have the races in, like, Formula one, the same thing. It's like, you look at the cars and the motorcycles, they're like. They're famous, you know?

[Bill Burr]

Really cool.

[Kenny]

Oh, by the way, you know what else I did? I went to a Utah Mammoth game when I was out there. And I gotta tell you, man, great turnout from all the people out there.

[Bill Burr]

Great fans. They were totally into it.

[Kenny]

And, you know, I was wondering about that. Like, it's kind of interesting to me as far as, like, you know, when it comes to, like, basketball and hockey, you kind of have to make a choice.

[Andrew Themelis]

Like, you can.

[Kenny]

You can watch your. Your baseball team, you can watch your football team, you can watch. You can do both of that. But then when basketball and hockey you got to kind of got to make a choice, it seems. And Utah has been an insane, insane NBA market. They just been even before Karl Malone and Hornisek. And the other guy used to punch everybody in the balls, that guy. The was. His name was Hornisex. It's Karl Malone. And then that guy looked like Jeff Gordon used to punch people in the nuts. John Stockton, even before that, you know, they had. They had fun teams before that.

[Andrew Themelis]

They had that coach.

[Kenny]

I forget his name. He was hilarious, that guy who one time him and Pat Riley were yelling at the coach, and when he walked away, he combed his hair, kind of making fun of Pat Riley. Pat Riley just stood there and laughed. What was his name? He was so funny. But it's always been just a great basketball city. So I was wondering, like, wow, you know, the Mammoth come here that, you know, that overlaps and, you know, it's not a giant city as far as like a bunch of people. So I was really happy when I saw all those people coming out for the game. And me and Kenny, you know, the Mammoth hooked us up, man. We got. We had great seats. So thank you to them. We watched them play to the Edmonton Oilers. Four, two, Edmonton.

[Bill Burr]

And

[Kenny]

I just watched Connor McDavid the entire time he was out on the ice. I mean, just how much faster that guy is than everybody else. And of course, he had this sick goal. Like somebody tried to do like a saucer pass and it looked like a knuckleball. And somehow he was almost past the goal. He was able to settle it down and get like this shot off. I mean, it was like one of those goalie top five goals of your careers. And he seems to do it like every other week. Draisaitl was out. He's out for the rest of the regular season. And I know Edmonton's fighting for a playoff spot, so that was huge for them. I think they had 79 points at that. And that was like Connor's like 39th goal. I'm totally back into hockey, by the way. As you can tell, my kids are big enough now. My son wants a Posternach jersey and he wants me to teach him how to play hockey. So I said, all right, we'll set up some nets in the driveway. He goes, no, I want to do it on the ice. And it's like, all right, well, this is how it works. You run around on the driveway, first stick handle a little bit, and then we'll get you out on the ice. So I'm excited about that and I'm also excited as much as we had a big opportunity against the Maple Leafs, who are struggling. You know, what's his face is out for the year. Opportunity to pick up two points and we lost to them. So then I'm going, ah, fuck. We got back to back games. We're playing Buffalo, and Buffalo is just playing insane this year. I meant to find out the name of that guy. He scored two goals on us and for Buffalo. I love the guy. The guy's like, so psyched. He's on the bench.

[Bill Burr]

Buffalo scores.

[Kenny]

He's like, yeah. And then he like flexes.

[Bill Burr]

It's just like, you gotta have a guy like that on your team.

[Kenny]

It's awesome. So I was watching Buffalo. We beat them after going up one nothing. Then it was one one, Then we went down two one, Then I think it was two two, then we're down three two. We ended up winning like four, three in overtime. Pasta. Of course, he had a goal and two assists.

[Bill Burr]

And

[Kenny]

did Middlestadt get it? Middlestadt tied it up with this weird bounce. It was great. He just kicked it over to his stick and it was in the back of the net in like two seconds. It was kind of cool because I didn't know Middlestadt was actually drafted by the. By the Sabres. But I was thinking, you know, cause if we're on the bubble, you know, we have the wild card right now, but, you know, we lose a couple of games, we could be knocked out. Like, if my Bruins don't make it, I'm gonna root for the Sabres. I always have a team that I root for. And it always bugged me in 1999, like, the Sabres got jobbed in that thing, man.

[Bill Burr]

The whole.

[Kenny]

I don't want to bring it up, but the whole year they're calling that. That's in the crease, no goal. Like, it was just on the biggest fucking goal. Biggest game of the year in a franchise that had never won it came in a league. 1970 with the Vancouver Canucks. To go from like 12 to 14 teams. I think I always look that shit up. Then I look where they played and all the stupid arenas and all of that shit.

[Bill Burr]

I.

[Andrew Themelis]

Oh.

[Kenny]

So anyways, I was telling you guys how, like, all I need to do now is see the Carolina Hurricane. And I've seen a home game of every professional sports franchise, which I have. However, the Oakland A's are now playing in Sacramento, so I gotta go up there and do a gig and maybe see like a day game. So the Oakland A's. I don't. It's not going to count, I don't think, because they're still called the Oakland A's, but like, they've played in Philadelphia, Kansas City, Oakland, now Sacramento, and then they're going to Vegas. So that's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. And that's when you start getting up

[Bill Burr]

there

[Kenny]

with like the Sacramento Kings, which were like the fucking Rochester Royals. Something else I want to say. And then the Kansas City Kings and then the Sacramento Kings.

[Andrew Themelis]

Why do I give a shit about this stuff?

[Kenny]

Because I don't know, it's.

[Bill Burr]

I liked it better than school when I was growing up.

[Kenny]

And now because I'm going to a state and they have to scan my driver's license so I can get a fucking cup of coffee. What kills me is I went to that same coffee shop the day before and the guy behind the counter recognized me and I got a cortado and it was out of this world. I mean, it was delicious. And then I came back the next day and it was some kid and he was just doing, you know, it was the owner when I walked in the first time. So the kid. I'm not mad at the kid. I'm mad at the law. And I always hate when you go, like, I'm not going to give you this information. You're going to share. And they go, we don't share it. And it's always like, dude, you don't. You're a good person. You're just working the counter. But once it goes into that computer, you know, you don't know what's going on.

[Andrew Themelis]

Ah, you don't know what's going on.

[Kenny]

So anyway, I don't know. I really just think all of this technology is so that the sickos. There's always been sickos, all the way back to Attila the Hun and all these fucking heartless people. They've always wanted to run the whole world and they just couldn't. They just didn't have an army big enough. But I think if they know who you are, where you are, and when you're getting a cup of coffee and when you're getting a burger, like, how the fuck could you ever rebel?

[Bill Burr]

You know?

[Kenny]

All they do is cut the head off the snake. There are no leaders anymore. When was the last time there was a good fucking, like, I don't know, somebody just pushing back against the man, man. I mean, it hasn't happened in my lifetime. They killed everybody. Anyways, on that bleak note, we got some advertising.

[Bill Burr]

Whatever.

[Kenny]

As much as I. I don't like the way these States are run. I do love the people that live there. So I do want to say that I. I really enjoyed being out there in Utah. I mean, it's. God damn it. That is a gorgeous state. That is a fucking gorgeous state. One of the best looking cities. I've been to Salt Lake City and I always liked that. It was a little weird with all the religion and that type of stuff, you know, because you had the people that were into it, the people that were kind of like, eh, you know, and then the people like, dude, I had to get the fuck away from that. So you got like three different perspectives, which was nice. Anyway, all right, that's the podcast. Well, after I gotta do the advertising reads and then we'll have a song, music picked out by the amazing Andrew Themelis. And then we have my podcast producer and. And then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

[Andrew Themelis]

All right. Fast Growing Trees, man. Did you know Fast Growing Trees is America's largest and most trusted online nursery with the fastest, with thousands of trees and plants and over 2 million happy customers. Did you know that? Did you have time in your schedule to know that? Well, that's what I'm here for, to read this copy, to let you know they have all the plants your yard or home needs, including fruit trees, privacy trees, flowering trees, shrubs, and houseplants. No weed, though. No, I mean, they should just. Why?

[Bill Burr]

Why?

[Andrew Themelis]

At this point, it's legal. Why can't you just plant weed in my yard? All grown with care and guaranteed to arrive healthy. Plus, get online. Can you imagine if you had fruit trees in your fucking house?

[Kenny]

And weed?

[Andrew Themelis]

Right. Bulletproof glass for the zombies. Gun turret up top.

[Bill Burr]

The fucking.

[Andrew Themelis]

You got all the sports packages. Incredible. Plus, you get the privacy trees. You can see them. They can't see you. You're on the higher ground. Plus, get ongoing support from trained plant experts who can help you plan your landscape, choose the right plants, and learn to care for them every step of the way. You don't need a big yard or a lot of space. You can grow lemon, avocado, olive or fig trees indoors, along with a wide variety of houseplants.

[Kenny]

I'm doing this shit. I'm signing up for this. I'm growing food inside.

[Andrew Themelis]

I don't know how it works. Try a fucking LED light. Avocado, all grown with care and hand selected to thrive in your home. Get all the plants you need without the messy car or the trips to the garden center. Right now. They have great deals on spring Planting essentials up to half off on selected plants and listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchases when using the Code Burr at checkout. That's an additional 20% off. Better plants and better growing at fast growing trees.com using the code burr at checkout fast growing trees.com code burr and by the way, you got your doomsday thing. You got all your fucking AR15s and all of that. How about an avocado tree? Anybody can eat canned tuna until Jesus Christ shows up. But who's eating figs? Elevate your doom day plan with fast growing trees. Now it's a perfect time to plant. Let's grow together. Use Burr Burr to save today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions apply. I mean, dude, if you can grow them in your house, you must be able to grow them inside that. You know that that shipping container you buried in the back of your yard?

[Kenny]

That would be fantastic. Get a kegerator. You making guacamole.

[Bill Burr]

Everybody else is eating each other with

[Kenny]

the fucking zombies and the robots and

[Andrew Themelis]

you just sitting in the ground just waiting for that asteroid to hit. Squarespace, everybody. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. From consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and auto generated sitemap and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. Check out squarespace.com burrman for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Burr burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com squarespace and let's see.

[Bill Burr]

Squarespace. What is it?

[Andrew Themelis]

Slash Burr B U R R for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Burr burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Bill Burr]

All right, look who it is everybody.

[Kenny]

It's quo man.

[Andrew Themelis]

As in status quo. Q U O. If your business is still running like a game of telephone gone wrong, scattered messages, missed calls, who's handling this. It's time to fix that. A modern communication comm system, they said,

[Kenny]

assuming that means communication C O M

[Andrew Themelis]

s system is like handling your team is like handing your team a GPS instead of a treasure mat drawn by a toddler. Everyone stays aligned, nothing falls through the cracks, and at some point you just say, all right, let's fucking quo. And that's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo. Q U O. The smarter way to run your business. QuoteWorks. Wherever you are right now, an app on your phone or computer. Right from an app on your phone or computer.

[Kenny]

I don't have my glasses, sorry.

[Andrew Themelis]

And lets you keep your existing number, add new numbers or teammates in minutes, sync your CRM and rely on seamless routing and call flows as your business scales. Quo isn't just a phone system. It automatically logs calls, generates summaries, and highlights next steps so nothing gets lost. It can even qualify leads or respond after hours, ensuring your business stays responsive even when you're finally offline. It's easy. Calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all live in one clean view with full context at your fingertips. Your team communicates faster, stays aligned, and delivers a more personal experience. Make this the time where no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try quo for free. Plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.comburr. that's quo.comburr.

[Bill Burr]

quo.

[Andrew Themelis]

No missed calls, no missed customers. All right, I think there's one more. There's two more. What the fuck?

[Bill Burr]

All right, I got to start being an asshole. You guys are going to listen to

[Kenny]

all of these, all right? What is this one called?

[Andrew Themelis]

Momentous. Momentous, everybody. You know, when people talk about energy, recovering and performance, they usually jump straight to training, protein or supplement. But one of the most overlooked pieces is gut health. Ah, dude, you gotta take care. You got. It's hooked up to your fucking shitter. If your gut is dialed, everything else. Oh. If your guts is not dialed, everything else struggles to work the way it should. That is where momentous fiber comes in. Dude, you can be shitting your brains out. Momentous Fiber plus addresses one of the most overlooked foundations of long term performance, and that is gut health. Fiber is not just about digestion. It's a key driver of gut health which directly impacts nutrient absorption, energy stability, recovery, focus, mood, and overall performance. That's why momentous believes in a relentless commitment to fundamentals and doing them differently than they have ever been done before. Fiber plus is built to support the entire gut health process, not just one piece of this momentum. Momentous Fiber plus is a complete three in one formula formula with soluble fiber, insoluble fiber and prebiotic research resistant starch. Dude, that's a lot of shit. This combination is designed to support your gut health from start to finish by feeding beneficial gut bacteria, improving digestion and help stabilizing blood sugar or steady energy without spikes or crashes. Right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code BURR. Head to livemomentous.com and use promo code BURR for up to 35% off your 1st order. That's live Momentous. L I V E M O M E N t o u s.com promo

[Bill Burr]

code burr all right, I swear to

[Kenny]

God this one's the last one.

[Andrew Themelis]

It's Helix everybody. Helix there's nothing more important than a good night's sleep. A bad mattress can hinder your sleep, which can affect your mood and your longevity. It's time to upgrade your mattress. Staying comfortable inside your Helix mattress. A good night's rest sets you up for a great day. Helix Sleep Quiz matches you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs to making buying a mattress easy. Free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the United States. The Happy with Helix Guarantee Rest Easy and seamless returns and exchanges. The Happy with Helix Guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. 120 night sleep trial gross and limited lifetime warranty. A study they found ran that 82% of those involved saw an increase in their deep cycle sleep Deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helix mattress. That is huge. Got your avocados downstairs, you're doing REM sleeping upstairs. I mean what the fuck more do you need? Got health? Go to helixsleep.com brrrr for 20% off site wide that's helixsleep.com h e l I x sleep.com burr for 20% off site wide, make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com Burr the Bleacher

[Podcast Producer]

Report app is your destination for sports right now. The NBA is heating up, March Madness is here and MLB is almost back. Every day there's a new headline, a new highlight, a new moment you've got to see for yourself. That's why I stay locked in with the Bleacher Report Apple. For me, it's about staying connected to my sports. I can follow the teams I Care about, get real time scores, breaking news and highlights all in one place. Download the Bleacher Report app today so you never miss a moment.

[Kenny]

I don't know where I'm going next. I think Durham. Durham, North Carolina. I got that. And then also we got the Patrice o' Neill comedy benefit. It's gonna sell out again. Thank you guys so much. I want to say it's on. Well, you know what? I'm going to look it up right now, so I give you the right information. It's the last Tuesday in April, which is April 28th. I'm also excited. I'm going back there. I'm going to catch a Broadway play. That's what I do every time when I go back to New York. I started doing that a few years ago, and then when I actually got the opportunity to be. Know. Have a small part in a play, I kind of got addicted to it. And I was beating myself up going, why the didn't I ever used to do this? You know, when I lived in New York and it was like, oh, yeah, I was broke. I didn't have any money anyway.

[Andrew Themelis]

Well, I had.

[Kenny]

I had a little bit of money, but, like, I didn't have money to be going to Broadway plays wearing a

[Bill Burr]

scarf and white gloves, walking around like a fancy person.

[Andrew Themelis]

All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

[Bill Burr]

Everybody.

[Andrew Themelis]

Opening day baseball started.

[Kenny]

I think the Red Sox start tonight.

[Bill Burr]

I'm not sure.

[Kenny]

But anyways, good time of year.

[Andrew Themelis]

All right, that's it.

[Bill Burr]

Go yourselves.

[Kenny]

Have a great weekend. Your cons, and I'll talk to you on Monday.

[Andrew Themelis]

Hey, what's going on?

[Bill Burr]

It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 25, 2018. What's going on? How are you? Oh, stop it. Everything's gonna be fine. Okay, Shake it off. What'd you think, bad stuff was only gonna happen to other people every once in a while, comes to your neighborhood, shake it off. Put a smile on your puss, motherfucker. Anyways. Oh, oh, did I wake up mad this morning? What a surprise. What a unique emotion from the freckled country you've come to know and love. By the way, you know, now that all I went through all of that bullshit to get on Instagram, the fact that you have to follow 9,000 fucking people or you get the same. You're just staring at the same photo every fucking day, and it's just really like. It's like a maze, you know, you're on Twitter. You're just fucking on Twitter now. You still have to follow people. I guess now I gotta fucking go on. Fucking follow all these fucking get on. That's my wife's telling me. Get on the air and just follow all your friends and think of things you're interested so I can just be another mouth breathing dope staring at my fucking phone. I already, I already stare at it too much. You know, I thought I was going to get on Instagram and all I was going to see is ass and titties and I just not seeing it right. It's probably because I only follow Dean Del Rey and Joe Rogan. So what I see is. What did I see? I saw Joe Rogan walking around holding a chicken with another 40 chickens following him. All right? All these years I've known Joe Rogan, I had no idea that he owned chickens. You know, it's causing me to reevaluate our entire friendship. I mean, I don't know why he would keep that from me. Does he, does he think he can't trust me with that information? These are the kinds of things I'm going to ask him the next time I think I've had him on here. I don't fucking know. Anyways, and Dean Del Rey is in New York. That's what I know. That's all I know. No whores, no inspirational workout videos. You know, where some guy is trying to inspire you to work out, but he's really just wanted to take his shirt off. You know what's funny about those fucking Instagram people is beyond the fact that they're doing that or the inspirational celebrity where they're just every day, you know, acting like they have life all figured out and now they're going to pass these gems onto you. Hey, next time you're thinking outward, look inward to find the real you so your truth can be fucking sent to the stratosphere and shut the fuck up. And the other one I love, I love the celebrity fucking standing outside his private jet with this serious look on his face. How about a smile, you fucking cunt? Standing there. Yo, this is how we do. This is my Louis Vuitton luggage. What a kind of buys five thousand dollar pieces of luggage so some can throw it in the bottom of a United flight. You know, I. I don't. You'd have to fly private for the rest of your life and watch your luggage just go e. Easy, easy. Or you could just get a fucking bag that's designed to get the shit kicked out of it. You can keep all your fucking jewels inside of it. Oh my God. If I see one more cunt do the photo shoot with all their cars and then the fucking private jet in the background. What the. What is that? You know, just to fuck.

[Andrew Themelis]

Just put it under.

[Bill Burr]

I'm rubbing it in your face that

[Kenny]

I have more money than you.

[Bill Burr]

Don't fucking do that thing where I'm trying to inspire you to get to my level. Do you realize everything that has to be involved there? Like, you have to fucking call up the fucking airport. Some poor bastard has to do, like, you have your cars. It's not enough that you have your cars. It's not enough that you're flying private. It's not enough that your luggage costs more than what a lot of people make to fucking teach kids in public schools. And you have to have all of that. I mean, how many fucking drivers do you need to get all your fucking cars out there? Then you got to figure out what fucking outfit you're going to wear. I don't know. Anyways, plowing ahead. But that is the kind of shit that I want to see. I actually kind of have this thing going on with. With friends of mine where we just send each other all of those, like, photos. You know, that poor kid who died there, the humble brag guy, he would have had a fucking field day on Instagram. Jesus Christ. I mean, that's why I kind of went on there. I just didn't realize it was gonna be that much work to try and find all of those fucking photos because people would just send me them all the time. And I was like, jesus Christ, I'm really missing out not being on Instagram. And then you get on there, and I followed Dean Del Rey and Joe Rogan and my beautiful wife and that's it. And Rogan and Dean Del Rey are normal, grounded human beings. So it's just, you know, tell me who to follow. Okay, I do enough fucking promotional as other ones. I just want to see. I want to see that. That's the shit I want to see. I want to see people that are pretending to inspire me, but they're really just fucking. You know, they want to show me how much money they have or how great a shape they're in. I mean, why can't everybody be down to earth like me? I'm sorry. I'm just as self involved. I'm just not as motivated in the gym plus, you know, it's funny, even if I got shredded, I mean, if I took my shirt off, all people would say is like, dude, look how fucking white you are. Oh, my God. I'D be what about my. What about my eight pack abs? Nobody cares. All right, so let's get to my week here. I went and I saw Ministry live for the first time. I saw them down at the. The. Is it not the. The House of Blues in Anaheim. And I was meeting some friends down there and they're like, oh, we're at the.

[Andrew Themelis]

We're at the Ramada.

[Bill Burr]

I'm like, all right. So I.

[Andrew Themelis]

We're at the bar.

[Bill Burr]

So I walk into the Ramada, go to the bar that they. There's nobody there. Turns out I'm at the wrong Ramada. Who knew there was more than one Ramona, Whatever the fuck it was, wherever the hell I was going. So anyways, we ended up going over to the, to the show. It was just. It was awesome. Live music was and always will be the. And I got to see them basically play the entire album. Their new album, americant. KKK. Ant&al Jurgensen, as always, just crushing it. Crushing it, man. You know, this frontman and then there's frontman still has the passion still, you know, got the crowd going. You're looking around, you know, a lot of people like my age. By the like the fourth song there was a mosh pit. I stayed clear of it. I definitely stayed clear of it. But they got a bunch of. I think they're on like a 25 city tour right now. And they. Right, they did Anaheim and then Oxnard. I don't know where they're off to now. Let me promote a couple of their dates here, considering such a awesome show. Here we go. M I N Ministry tour dates. Come on, man. Why is my Internet so slow? You know, it'd be funny if they actually had it run at the same speed as your intellect. Then you couldn't get mad anymore. It's like, well, it's because I'm a fucking asshole. I'm dumb. All right, they're going to be in Sacramento at the Ace of Spades. Portland, the Roselyn Theater. Oh, that's a beauty. That's on Wednesday. Thursday they're going to be in Vancouver at the Vogue Theater. Saturday they're going to be in Edmonton. All right, and then when they go into. Into April, they're going to be in Montana, Nebraska, Chicago, Illinois. A couple of nights there. Cincinnati, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Indianapolis, Toronto, Montreal. And they're playing great places. Boston, April 17, couple of nights there. Portland, Maine. Jesus, they're going everywhere. You got to catch them. And it runs through. The fuck is. It runs through the end of April. As far as what they have here. All right, back to the podcast here. So old Freckles forgot that it was Formula one season. And then fortunately, somebody on Twitter said, hey, you excited for this weekend? I was like, oh, shit, that's right. And because it's now not on NBC Sports, the ESPN cunts took it over. And God knows they'll fuck it up somehow. That's what I thought they were going to do. I got to admit. I watched what I got of the race. I thought they did a good job. Although I don't understand why Will Buxton isn't there now. They have like this comedy team or some shit. They got two people down there who then throw it over to another guy. You think ESPN would try to save money and not hire three people for the job? That one guy was doing outstandingly since I've been watching. But hey, I don't run the. So anyways, I go on in my. My cable box and I go to record the race. And I don't know what happened. All I recorded was the pre game, which ended up getting me like the first 10 laps of the race. So I missed the race. But then I went on and I read all about it. First thing that I noticed was the new.

[Kenny]

The.

[Bill Burr]

Jesus Christ, I'm stuttering here. The new design of the. The cockpit. I'm like, what the is that thing that's like in the driver's line of sight? And they got this new halo thing that they got going on, I guess for years, since like 2010 or 11, they've been trying to figure out, you know, because it's the open cockpit, people smash into walls, tires and bolts go flying. These guys are driving, you know, upwards 180 miles an hour. You get hit with a screw, you know, could go right through your helmet into your fucking head. I don't know. They've been trying to figure out how to protect them, you know, and then all. Everybody in the crowd's like, well, hey,

[Andrew Themelis]

man, don't put it like, make it

[Bill Burr]

look like a fighter jet, man.

[Andrew Themelis]

We're like, this has always been open cockpit, man.

[Bill Burr]

So everybody in the crowd, you know, they want to see. It's like, listen, if we're going to sit here along this fucking fence and at any point a washer can come flying off the car, go through my eye socket and into the back of my brain. I mean, at least you could do is with your fucking helmet, drive around an open cockpit. So they decided out of the fucking blue to come up with this new design, the halo cockpit design, which is Supposed to looks like a giant piece of plastic to me. It's probably made out of carbon fiber, but evidently that will stop a tire for smashing you in the fucking head and killing you. Nobody wants that, right? I don't think so. So anyways, I saw the beginning of the race and as always, Lewis Hamilton got the pole position, you know, and the race starts and he gets to the first corner first. So obviously he's gonna win the fucking race. That's how it works. And even one of the announcers stupidly said, well, you know, history has shown that whoever wins the first race of the year usually goes on to win the championship. I don't know if that was a comment on how much lack of fucking passing there is or the fact that basically Mercedes and Ferrari have such superior engines that, you know, nobody else can compete with them. You know, I mean, I know other teams, like the American team has Ferrari engines, but that's like their one. Like they get the Z28 engine, we get the fucking rally sport that's for white trash people from the 70s. So anyways, I guess what happened, Sebastian Vettel won the one, the Australian Grand Prix for Ferrari, who went back to the Ferrari red or I guess less white in their car. The cars definitely look different, look like a different color red. And I was like, there's no way. There's like a specific red that Ferrari has to be. But it turns out they just had less white in the car this year. They went on to win it because the Mercedes team, I guess fucked up where Lewis Hamilton went into Pitt. They thought they had enough space between the second place and first place. He was going to get out of the pit first or something like that. I don't know. Oh no, he was out on the track. I just saw the highlight, I don't fucking know. And they screwed up. But you know what's up. They blame their software. So it's just like, is there any sort of like, I don't know, racing going on? So they got some computers looking where the Sebastian Vettel's car is in the pit and how fast they have to be going, what tire. The computer figures all of that out. You got an app and evidently the app the bed and Vettel got out first. You know Hamilton, he's always sulking. Was, was that me? Was that you? Right? I love Hamilton, but he gets so he, he just starts bleeding and whenever he loses. I remember last year, something happened in qualifying and then he just sat in his car for like, I mean, remember

[Andrew Themelis]

when you were a kid and you

[Bill Burr]

got mad at your parents or whatever and they got out of the car, went in the house and you're trying to make a point, you just sat in the car, in the driveway, they didn't give a shit. They're like, great, house will be quiet without your fucking complaining ass in here. So he ended up winning. Ferrari won. Sebastian Vettel came in first. A sulking Lewis Hamilton came in second. Kimmy Raikkonen, he didn't drive anybody off the track, came in third. And Ricky Ricardo, Daniel Ricardo came in, the hometown favorite came in in fourth place and what's his face, Valteri Bottas, I guess. He crashed during qualifying and was given a five spot penalty for. Because he changed a gearbox. He started in 15th and then ended up finishing eighth. But I think the real big story was how well the USA team with this, the fucking Ferrari engine that Ferrari threw out in their back dumpster was killing it. In the beginning we were like in fourth and sixth place at one point. Part of the only part of the race that I saw. And then I got all excited, you know, to look up to see where we finished. We finished 19th and 20th with two, not one, but two did not finish. I guess evidently we know how to

[Andrew Themelis]

take the tire off, but we don't

[Bill Burr]

know how to put it back on. Twice in the same race, one of the HOS cars went in to get their tire change and when they put the fucking tires back on, three out of four were on, but one wasn't. They did that the first time and then the fucking mechanic who screwed it up was hilarious. They cut to the, they cut to the, the pit team and he just walked out of the camera shop. I think he went into the bathroom and closed the door. Probably threw up that he cost his team one of the cars, you know, and then the fucking, then they turned around and they did it again. But they're keeping their chin up, they're saying, you know what?

[Andrew Themelis]

Well, you know, if, you know, just think what would have happened if we actually put the bolts back on. I'll tell you, Ferrari, Mercedes better look out because we're going to be practicing how to take a tire on and off when we get that down. I'm telling you, things are going to

[Bill Burr]

be real shook up in the fourth

[Andrew Themelis]

to six positions this year.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, boy, you know what it is? We're Americans, we don't give a shit, okay? This, this whole fucking left turns and right turns we have land over here. Fucking assholes. In Europe and everywhere else around the

[Andrew Themelis]

world, you're all fucking overpopulated.

[Bill Burr]

Driving around, fucking on old cow paths. That's all I got. What else can I do? What do you do when you completely screw up? You know what you do? You make fun of the rest of the world. That's exactly what you do. All right, let's get into some happier American news. The Boston Bruins once again were down. They were down 2 to nothing to the goddamn Dallas Stars that are down in fucking Dallas now. They used to be the Minnesota North Stars, okay? And it was an eclectic group of incredibly normal looking people in the crowd, okay? And, and the Minnesota people, nice people, the kind of people you say hello to or if you're Philly fans, you throw full beers at, right? Then they move down to fucking Dallas, okay? The fake titty capital of the world, all right? You know, you know Silicone Valley out there where they do all the fucking computer shit, you know, And Apple's big fucking, ooh, look at our round building with the forest in the middle of it. That's where all the computer shit happens down in Hollywood's where all the movies get made out in. Arizona's where they, they don't want to celebrate Martin Luther King Day. New Mexico's where they shop Breaking Bad. And then you get out to Dallas, Texas, okay? And you basically, you have Dealey Plaza and you have fake titties. That is fucking Dallas. And then you have a bunch of shiny four door pickup trucks that has never seen a day of blue collar work driving around out there. I don't know why, I don't know why you're thinking. They get themselves Cadillac, everybody's acting like they got a ranch. Anyways, we went down, then we played them and we were down two to nothing and we scored three goals in the third fucking period. It was just. And of course I missed the game because I got the kid. Now I was at. I was at a birthday party, a great birthday party. Went out to a fucking farm and all of that. Had an awesome time. But I didn't get to see the game. And I saw Tim Shallow's fucking filthy shorthander. Nice feed from Brad Marchand Parsonak had the game winner. And it seems even though, you know, Patrice Bergeron's out with the broken foot, I don't know if Chara is back. Last game I saw, he fell the way I used to fall when I was public at like a public skating rink, you know what I mean? Where you try to stop and then you catch an edge and all of a sudden you go like head first, do A face plant before the boards mercifully stop. You usually knock down like a five year old trying to learn how to figure skate. I'm trying to say we have a lot of injuries, but we're still winning. The Celtics, on the other hand, Kyrie Irving is going to be out three to six weeks. Sports Illustrated's website is telling me I don't need to panic. Toronto's gonna get the number one seed and we're probably gonna play some shit bum fucking team and he'll be back by the end of it. I don't fucking know. I think Toronto's looking pretty strong. It's gonna be obviously Toronto and Cleveland. Wouldn't you think? Wouldn't you think? And can LeBron put his fucking team on his back once again, okay? And get to the finals again while the entire basketball world shits on him and says how much he's an asshole and how much. I've never seen a guy achieve more and get more shit. I just don't get it. What more does he have to do? All right, he took his talents to south beach, all right? He won two championships on a pile on team, but then he went back to Cleveland, put the fucking team on his back and beat the Golden State warriors, right? Right there. It should have been over. It was over for Steve Young when he beat the fucking San Diego Chargers. Hugh, Hugh, Hugh. Was it Chuck Humphries? Hugh Chumfries? Chuck Humphries, I don't remember beat that fucking team. One of the most boring Super Bowls there ever was. 49ers went out, they had fucking white pants on and shit. And then the monkeys bent off his back and nobody ever fucking questioned him again. Ever questioned him again. Even after fucking Spygate when he said the Patriots should give up their three fucking super bowl titles. You know, fucking guy's on tv, he's a Hall of Fame player. He didn't realize that that was a brand new rule and the Patriots were guilty. But it was only illegal for one game. Nobody gave him shit. Yet they still give LeBron. Why is that? Why do you think that is? Is it because Steve Young is a Mormon? I have no idea. Anyway, so I went to this birthday party, a two year old's birthday party, some friends of ours, and there was this went out to the. Speaking of ranches, we went out to this farm way the fuck out towards Oxnard, Camarillo. It was awesome. It's part of, you know, part of Los Angeles I very rarely go to, I fly over it, but I never fucking actually went out there. It was absolutely beautiful out there past the Simi Valley. And they had all like these animals and stuff there. Big Animal Farm. And I realized that I am a big fan of alpacas. You know, there was this brown one just with these giant brown eyes just looking at you. A little weird. Little, admittedly a little weird. You know, they kind of look like llamas. They're like better looking llamas. You know, pot belly pig, Which I never realized when people say I got, you know, you got a pot belly, what an insult that is. I mean, these things were fat fucks. Their belly was lit, was like on the ground. They just, like, they just. They're fucking pigs. I mean, pigs really are pigs. They always talk about how smart they are and that type of stuff. I think the level that they eat and the fact that they roll around in their own shit, it's just really hard to see the intelligence. You know what I mean? I mean, I think a lot of fat people get treated the same way. Do you think if Albert Einstein was a fat fuck, like, I don't know, rolling around in his own shit? I mean, I don't think we win World War II. What do you guys think? Care to comment? You like to write into the podcast about that one? I'm just filibustering here. I got to get this shit done because I got all kinds of stuff to do today and I'm waiting for my advertising and my questions to come in a. God damn it. Oh, the reads are sent. Oh, shit. Everything's fucking here. Ready to go. I love it. All right, let's download these goddamn things. So anyways, we were out. We're out there. And at that. At the birthday party, you know what's so fucked up about me? Fuck all the birthday party stuff.

[Andrew Themelis]

I.

[Bill Burr]

First thing I did was alpacas. I looked at those things and I'm like, wow, those things look like a food source. Because they said they were from South America. So all I'm picturing is boa constrictors and God knows what killing those things, you know, or that, like the Komodo dragon this time, he sat there stalking this giant bull looking thing. And those Komodo dragons, they have such fucking shit breath and their mouth is so full of bacteria that if they. All they got to do is just nick an out an animal just 10 times its size, they just need to bite it and then they just follow it around for three days as that bacteria just slowly fucking kills the thing. I just wish the bull knew that the second it was bit by that fucking dragon that it was over. Because then you just. You just turn around. Well, you're not going to fucking eat me, right? Just go over and kill the fucking thing. Because the problem with those goddamn reptiles and my issue with reptiles is they don't have the D. And chimpanzees, they don't have the decency to kill you before they start eating you. They don't know. Yeah, they don't like that thing. Once you collapse, it just walks up. It has no feeling whatsoever, you know, which is why chimpanzees and human beings are the worst. Chimpanzees and human beings, the only people I've ever seen get off on the suffering of something else. Like it actually excites them. I told you that thing, I saw that thing one time when they. For the longest time, they didn't think chimpanzees monkeys ate other monkeys. They disproved it. They found out it wasn't true. And I saw these fucking chimpanzees catch this fucking smaller monkey, all right? And he just stood on the thing's fucking back and with his fingers was digging flesh out of its back as the other monkeys screaming and. And the chimp was getting off on. It's like, dude, like, you know, how fresh does it have to be? Just snap its little fucking neck and get on with it. And ever since then, I fucking hate chimpanzees. I hate them. I hate them as much as I love gorillas. But having said that, I don't want to see chimpanzees ever hurt, though, you know, I. You know, although I wanted that bull to fucking destroy that Komodo dragon as it just kept following him around, you know, like some goddamn banker watching a fucking farmer working himself to death, waiting to take over the land to sell it to some other fuck. All right, Bill, let's not get that dramatic, okay? It's the wild get mad at God. It created. Well, I don't know if it's a lady or not. How fucked up are human beings? Is. Is bigger pieces of shit that we are, that we actually think God looks like us and actually argue about what its race is or its sex. It's the stupidest shit ever.

[Kenny]

Okay, let me.

[Bill Burr]

For the. I have like 90 fucking Windsor windows open, and I'm getting rid of all of these except for my Brian Kess yoga videos. I'm back into it. I'm taking my power yoga watching these things. You know, what's funny is I. In case anybody from his class Hears this. I own all of his on vhs. I just don't have a VCR anymore. So I have purchased the things, but I just can't play him, so now I have to watch them on YouTube. All right, where am I. Where am I going here? I fucking. Is it ever on the right email? Come on, you son of a bitch. Why are you doing this to me? Loading. As slow as humanly possible. I have to hit pause. All right, my account sign out. Start over again. There we go. Come on, open up. You can do it. All right, I'm hitting pause. This is pathetic. Oh, wait, it's coming up. Loading. Loading. Loading. People, just draw busy yourselves as I wait for this fucking thing to open up. No, I don't want the app. Oh, my God. All right, live reads. Here we. Oh, look who's here, everybody. It's our friends. Old zip, you're out the fucking door. All right, here's all the goddamn reads. Here's all the goddamn reads. Here's what the fuck I was looking for. God damn it. Hey, speaking of that, am I in Tulsa, Oklahoma, this weekend? Speaking of Southern accents, am I gonna be down there, over there in Tulsa, Oklahoma, at the Brady Theater? Yes, I am. March 30th. Oh, my God, I love it. What's today? Today's the 26th. Let's see here. That's Thursday. No, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. So this Saturday, I'm going to be at the Brady Theater, Tulsa, Oklahoma. And then on March 31, I'm going to be down in San Antonio, Texas. Right. The stars at night are big and bright Deep in the heart of Texas. What do they have there?

[Kenny]

What do they call that thing, that

[Bill Burr]

little river that you. The river walk. It's actually really relaxing, you know, and then you don't really ever have to get off and buy anything. You just sitting there floating around on a goddamn boat. That's gonna be one of those weird flights where, like, it should only take me, like, an hour to go from Tulsa, Oklahoma, or 90 minutes to San Antonio, but it's going to take the whole fucking day because I don't have to, like, connect through, like, Denver or some shit. Speaking of which, I got some shows coming up in Pittsburgh April 6, and for whatever fucking reason, the only direct flight I can get out of LA is a Southwest flight. I don't understand Philly and Pittsburgh. Back in the day, the only direct flight from LA to. To Philly was on US Air. I don't mind. I don't mind Southwest. Until they start telling the jokes, you Know, and just fucking. It's so goddamn obnoxious because nobody heckles him. That's what's missing on a Southwest flight. Booing, the jokes. You have such a captive audience. Everybody's afraid we're going to crash. You know, for some reason, you think the steward or the stewardess actually is flying the plane. So you don't want to give them shit, right? Oh, God. That's when I wish I, you know, Patrice, I could just fucking see him. And that if he ever saw what those fucking people became, he would have heckled. He definitely would have fucking heckled. I just sit there stewing in anger and not even mad at the fucking steward. Or stewardess is, which I still call them, by the way. I don't understand how the fuck that ever became offensive. You know what I mean? Or they feel like steward had more like, I don't know, come up and to it. Why is. Let me look this up. Why is stewardess offensive? I might be wrong. Here's why. Flight attendants don't like being called stewardesses. All right? Flight attendants. Oh, man, they got an old fucking school one. Look how hot they used to be. I swear to God, they must have fucking dropped the pay dramatically. I don't know what they used to be fucking gorgeous. Unbelievable. All right, flight. But the food was way worse. There's always a trade off, right? Flight attendants have a job that holds a lot of prestige in the eyes of most travelers. What? There's a giant, vague bullshit statement. I think that used to be when they were beautiful women. It seemed glamorous, the whole thing. The pilot seemed like a fucking borderline James Bond. There's all these sexy women fucking walking around like, wow, they get to go to all of these places. Before everybody flew all the time, people. You actually used to dress up when they went on planes wearing suits. And women would get all dolled up and shit, you know, this is before they treated you like a animal, though. Then they started treating everybody like animals. Now people walking on the. In the borderline pajamas anyways.

[Andrew Themelis]

They get called a lot of different

[Bill Burr]

things while doing their jobs. Waitress, Ma'. Am. Hey, you, Ms. Air Hostess and trolley dolly. Okay, you know what? I have well over a million fucking frequent flyer miles. I've never heard anybody say, waitress. No one's ever said, hey, you, air hostess.

[Andrew Themelis]

Hey, trolley dolly, can I get a fucking drink?

[Bill Burr]

Come on. I'm sure everybody has a story, but come on. I think pretty much everybody's been respectful. Certainly after 9, 11. Because then all the steward and stewardesses all they have to say is, why are you being hostile? Do you not want to fly today anyways? Flight attendants have a job, okay? But one moniker that is pretty much gone out the emergency exit door is stewardess. And here's why.

[Andrew Themelis]

I love it.

[Bill Burr]

This person just made up all of this other shit. Waitress, ma'. Am. Hey, you trolley dolly. Just made up all of that shit so they could get to the stewardess part. All right, I think it's safe to say that a striptease ad for an airline like this one from Braniff International Airways below, would not fly today. Yeah, a lot of things from back then wouldn't fly today. At least not in America. Oh, look at that. But this type of ad, which most would now consider objectifying towards women, was the only way to go in the sex sells day. Okay, sorry, I was thinking about clicking on the video. I was doing the math whether I could do that and not get in trouble because I'm advertising on this. Sorry, let me go back to trying to read. This was the only way to go in the sex sells day of the early jet age. Oh, yeah, because they don't use sex to sell anything anymore. Braniff was hugely popular in its heyday. Their flight attendants wore psychedelic trends from some of fashion's top designers, such as Emilio Pucci. He fell off. I never heard of that fucking guy. Pacific Southwest Airlines was another airline ever. I'm going to watch this fucking video. Let's see what's going on here. Pacific Southwest Airlines was another airline. Press start to play with color course advertising. And here's a bunch of sexy women winking at me. And all this using sex to sell in 2018. What is going on here? Is this another ad? This is an ad for Disneyland. Oh, you know what? Go fuck yourself. Fuck this video. Is this just clickbait? Is that what I've done here. Was another. Can I tell you something right now? I guarantee you, all these fucking hotties that were on this airline, they weren't the ones that bitched. It was ugly women that couldn't get the fucking job. I kept so sick of, like, there's certain jobs you should just be good looking, okay? And as a fucking unsightly human being, I feel that, yeah, I can say this shit, right? You walk into a restaurant, you want to see somebody good looking, you know, hotel, gym, all of that shit. This fucking thing now that you don't have to be good looking and you could be like, you know, overweight and all of that stuff is. That's really not helping out fat People, I can tell you that, yes, they're getting a job, but they're still eating their way to a fucking early grave. Who doesn't want to live? It's sort of what you're doing is as much as you're giving them a job, you're also, in this roundabout way, you're kind of doing this assisted suicide. You're kind of a part of it. Right. In a food sense. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm going to continue speaking Pacific Southwest Airlines was another airline that advertised the attractiveness of its flight attendants. They introduced the Miniskirt in 1965. In her book Long Legs and Short Nights, former PSA flight attendant Marilyn Tritt said, there used to be a distinction between flight attendants and stewardesses. Flight attendants were there for safety, while stewardesses were there to be eye candy, flirt, and serve drinks. Yeah, that's your job.

[Andrew Themelis]

The pilot passes out.

[Bill Burr]

Do you know how to fly the fucking plane? Well, then start winking at people there, sweetheart. She noted stewardesses were not allowed to do PA Announcements because nobody could understand them. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Therefore, let's face it, they were. They were along for the ride.

[Kenny]

No, they weren't. They were like.

[Bill Burr]

They were serving drinks. Marilyn Tritt Schwartz contacted me to let me know that I had misunderstood a quote, and there was not a distinction between stewardesses and flight attendants. They merely changed the job titles. Once more, men joined the industry. Yeah, they used to be called stewards. When she referred to stewardesses as they because she was one herself, I misinterpreted that to mean that there were actually two different jobs. So this guy really doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about or this woman. What am I reading here? I don't even know. Many modern and, dare I say, older flight attendants now considered stewardess a derogatory term toward their profession and even their personal virtue because they take their job more seriously than being there simply to. To serve as eye candy. All right, I'm done with this fucking article. All right? I learned absolutely nothing other than the astounding lack of fucking research that. I mean, I thought only I did that on my podcast. This fucking person, he literally his article. Rather than going back and correcting it, he's fucking correcting himself. Like he writes the article. Ah.

[Andrew Themelis]

And I realized I fucked up, but

[Bill Burr]

he's just continuing on.

[Kenny]

Yeah.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, at the end of the day, like, this is just. I think what really fucking happened was flying back then was glamorous. Okay. It was way more glamorous. You got treated way more. It was considered an. An amazing luxury to be able to fly. Now everybody, everybody flies. They jam you in the back. You know, you have to pay for food. I mean, back then it was like coffee, tea, or me was. Was. That was basically the, the vibe back then, you know what I mean? And they're acting like. I don't know. I don't know what they're acting. They're acting like that There weren't some women that. That was an appealing job to. Not everybody has a dream. That's, you know, something that's. Maybe that's what's going on right now with all of these social medias is that everybody's acting like they're Joe Montana. You know what I mean? That they're like an Oscar winner. It's just most of us would just put background. That's it. With that guy in the fucking mill seat staring into some woman serving a peanuts. That is way out of their league that you never have the balls to talk to. Not now. Everybody's a winner. According to Oprah. You could do whatever you want. It's going to be great. All your dreams are going to come true. Nobody's going to try to steal your ideas. There's plenty of room for everybody at the top of the mountain. That's just not the case. I hate to say that if. Just go out and look at a mountain, just look at the shape. There's plenty of room down the bottom. There's, you know, there's less, but still a lot of room in the middle. But as you keep going higher and higher, you know, it's. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I still don't understand why. So basically, flight attendants wanted to. They're still doing the same job. I don't know, maybe now they actually know CPR or some shit like that. That took a couple of Lamaze classes. But, you know, what are they. What are they going to do?

[Kenny]

You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

I mean, if. If like some terrorists go to take over the plane, do they also have like Chinese stars that they're allowed to bring onto the fucking plane? Please, people. I don't want to be called a comedian anymore. I think that's offensive because people just feel like I'm gonna have a lampshade on my head. I would now like to be called a humor doctor. Dr. Humor something, or I'll come up with it. I don't want to. I think it's very sexist. Be called a comedian. I don't know. You know, other languages have male and female things. I think that's the thing in my business too. Comedian. They don't be called a comedian. We have a comedian coming to the stage. Look, why do you have to just make a distinction? I don't know. Why? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Can we get a gender neutral microphone? That's probably gonna be the next thing. Maybe that microphones are shaped too much like dicks. They can have more of a. Like a hermaphrodite style one. You can have like a dick coming out of vagina. You know, something maybe like those old school Elvis ones. You could have that and just have like a. I don't know where you speak into looks like a clit. I don't know. Is this technically even, like, still a podcast? Let me just get to the questions this week. That went nowhere, by the way. And I know a lot of it was ignorant, and I think I stand by it. All right, let's get to the. Let's get to the questions here. Jesus fucking Christ. Become a pilot. You know, do that. Then become a pilot. Run an airline. You want respect? Do that. Okay, you fucking do that. These people, these people on special teams all of a sudden want to be treated like quarterbacks. I just. You're not a quarterback. Sorry. Oh, shit. The All Things Comedy Festival is coming back again this year and it's gonna be a Comerica theater in Phoenix, Arizona and October 26th. Jesus Christ. Get your tickets early at Ticketmaster. The pre sale is Wednesday, March 28th at 10am Public on sale is Friday, March 30th at 10am local time. Both for both of those. And I will be posting the link on my Twitter and my Instagram and my Facebook. Just an Internet douche, aren't I?

[Kenny]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

Mr. Rogers movie. Oh, I love it. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood A beautiful day in the neighborhood Would you be mine? Could you be mine? I have always wanted. I can't believe I remember this. Have a neighbor just like you I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you so let's make the most

[Andrew Themelis]

of this beautiful day

[Bill Burr]

don't call them stewardesses and don't say, hey. Call them flight attendants. Make it seem like they have a master's degree. Would you like some fucking peanuts? You will respect me and my slacks. Hello, Mr. Neighbors. Mr. Rogers movie. Hey there, Bill. I'm writing to you here from Minneapolis and very much looking forward to your upcoming show here. You know, back when I was a kid, you know, getting treated like shit motivated you to get a better job, not demand that you fucking be treated with respect at the low level that you had attained in the job world. Anyway, I was wondering if you heard about the movie being made about Mr. Rogers starring Tom Hanks as Fred Rogers. Coincidentally, a movie trailer was also just released for a new documentary about Fred Rogers that just premiered at Sundance. And it looks awesome. I grew up watching Mr. Rogers as a kid, and it's really refreshing to look back at some of the clips that show what a great one of a kind person he was. Did you grow up watching Mr. Rogers neighborhood? Yes, I did, Mr. McFeely. Speedy delivery. And if so, what were your thoughts about them making a movie about him? Maybe you sh. You have a different perspective now that you have a kid because it seems like there's so much awful shit that kids are exposed to on TV and the Internet. And Mr. Rogers was a rare TV show which actually helps kids to become better human beings. Last but not least, would you consider auditioning for the show's longtime guest, Mr. McFeely? I think you'd look hilarious in that mailman hat went with the spectacles and the mustache. Thanks for being a great neighbor and go fuck yourself. I absolutely would play Mr. McFeely.

[Andrew Themelis]

I loved.

[Bill Burr]

I loved Mr. Rogers when I was a kid. I like Sesame street better, and there was something about him that did make me a little uncomfortable when I was a kid. I will admit that. No, you know what? I didn't like Lady Elaine and King Friday. I liked the trolley when it went into the make believe land or whatever. But I don't know. Lady Elaine and King Friday, they just used to make me sick to my stomach. They just weren't as funny. They didn't have the personality of like Ernie or Grover, Harry the Cookie Monster. I mean, there was just. Those were like the guys, guys of puppets over there on Sesame Street. I just thought Mr. Rogers neighborhood was. It was just a little stiff. But I imagine that I learned a bunch of great lessons. I was too young to understand, like, oh, this guy's trying to teach me how to be a better person. You know, I was just a kid watching the shit going, wouldn't that be cool if we had a trolley in our house? And then you could get on it and you'd go to a magical neighborhood and avoid King Friday. And Lady Elaine, she was fucking weird looking too, right? I gotta look this up here. Lady Elaine. Lady. Lady. How do you spell Elaine? Oh, yeah, yeah. She was ugly.

[Kenny]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

Lay off the booze, lady. Elaine Fairchild. I never knew her last name. Is a neighborhood mischief maker and having learned from the wizard of Lupovich, often uses her boomerang tumarang sumerang. Oh, my God. I forgot about that. To do things such as rearrange the neighborhood or turn it upside down. She is credited with the discovery of planet purpose purple, which she found while flying in her something or other. Well, isn't. You know, that would never happen now. That would be considered sexist.

[Andrew Themelis]

Oh, why?

[Bill Burr]

Why does the woman have to be the bad person? Well, she's in a position of power. Isn't that enough?

[Andrew Themelis]

No.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, what are you doing? Come on. All right. Do I think Tom Hanks is gonna do a great job? Because he always does, you know? You like how he just said that? Like he's an up and coming actor rather than a two time back to back best actor. Do I call him an actress now? Is that progressive? Should I not identify him by his gender? I don't fucking know. I don't. I don't know what.

[Kenny]

What to do right now.

[Bill Burr]

Think it'd be interesting if they actually get into his whole life, you know? But if it's just Tom Hanks doing an episode of Mr. Rogers and then. I don't know. I don't know what? I don't fucking know. I watch sports. Why would you ask me about movies? All right. LinkedIn business app. Dear Billy balloon head. My girlfriend and I have been together. His girlfriend. One or two words? There was two. One word. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. For the past two months, she's been out of work for two months and has been using this business app to get work online. It has never bothered me. As of revan, I think you said recently. As of revantly me, she has been getting notifications from the app. I don't know what any of that means. I didn't think anything of it, but I noticed that she had gotten a message in the middle of the night. Oh, as of recently. This is a voice text. Revantly. Revantly me. As of recently, she has been getting notifications from the app. I didn't think anything of it, but I've noticed that she has gotten messages. Gotten a message in the middle of the night. I asked her about it and she always tells me that it's strictly professional and that is just business men seeking to employ. Do you think that app is just a cover up for Meeting men she would meet on apps like Tinder. I don't know, dude, but it doesn't sound like you fucking trust your. Your girlfriend, which is definitely an issue. So what you have done, you have to figure out is if you don't trust her because your gut's saying she's shady, or is it some. Some of your own shit that you brought because of a previous relationship or possibly something that happened to you as a child when you're watching Mr. Rogers calling women stewardesses. I don't know. It's possible. Women are really good at around, which is why they don't get caught as much as guys do. Guys, you know, guys are the worst. You know, we just. We get caught.

[Andrew Themelis]

Anyways.

[Bill Burr]

He wants. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you to do there. So now you got to start snooping. And then if you get caught and you're wrong, then where does that leave you? Just tell her it's making you feel insecure and you would just. Can you just. You know. And it's your issue. Can you just see one of the texts next time it happens and then just say, sorry. I don't know. I just love you so much. I was worried that somebody else was stealing your passions. Talk your way out of it that way. Does that work? I don't know. This is not professional advice. He wants to get married. I don't. Hey, Bill, you're fountain of cynical humor and knowledge that I've admired for years. Oh, you are a fountain. Oh, Jesus Christ. So I wanted to ask some advice. Hey, this is not professional advice. My boyfriend proposed two years ago. After I said yes, he said he wanted to keep it a secret since he hadn't met my parents yet except via Skype calls. They live across the country. My parents kept canceling their plans to visit last minute. So he planned to visit them for this past Christmas where he would publicly propose. Jesus Christ. Is the longest proposal ever. I kept this a secret for two years. We only had two fights, but each time he broke off the engagement only to apologize and make up the next day. One month prior to the trip, he says he wants to postpone proposing due to finances since we will be moving to another states after I graduate. I understand. Why spend five grand on a wedding when we'll soon need that to get a house? Well, the next day he admitted the other reasons. Because I had gained weight after getting on birth control and anxiety med. Yeah, you fuck this guy. I'm getting a master's in physics and have A part time job. So sorry if I couldn't hit the gym enough. Well, that's no excuse. You should also fucking eat well. And I'm not saying that about him and your relations. You should do it for yourself because you really do not want the health issues that fucking start earliest in your late 30s and into your 40s. You know, I've lost friends to heart attacks that look like they're in the same shape as me, but I don't know. You got to get checked up just because you're busy. This is what you do. You fucking cook all your food on the weekend and you got to make that a fucking priority because it's going to be stressful enough. But anyways, I still maintain at this point, fuck this guy. Anyways, that Christmas was so depressing. But who could I talk to? The engagement was a secret. I told him being engaged was a joke. I don't want to be on this roller coaster anymore or ever again. Now he's hurt because he says marriage isn't. Is important to him. He does want to marry me. Just not yet.

[Andrew Themelis]

Ha.

[Bill Burr]

No thanks. I'm good. He said, well, we'll just revisit this later. Your thoughts from one cynical ginger to another. Thanks for left. Yeah, fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. This is what. This is what? This guy's an asshole. I want to postpone the engagement because you gained weight. That's what the fuck you're going to hit your wagon to. Fuck this guy? Yeah, fuck that guy. And you seem really strong and you're getting this master's degree in physics. You'd be out there designing roller coasters or whatever the fuck you're going to be doing. You don't need this guy. By the way, I watched this thing that I had recorded my Wife's got two Minutes stuff on the dvr, whatever the fuck you call it nowadays. So we had to go back and erase a bunch of shit that I taped. I kept all my super bowl highlights. I kept the Patriots for Seattle, and Patriots versus Atlanta had no problem erasing Patriots versus Eagles. And I don't know where those Patriots versus Giants games went. Geez, Ethel Merman. All right, you want to talk about a fucking hilarious human being? I gotta find this thing. Ethel Merman. She was all right. We were watching this thing on the JFK inauguration, which was supposed to be broadcast by NBC, and there was a horrific snowstorm. They were in this weird venue. It was like Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Ethel Merman, Milton Berle. Who else? Gene Kelly, Harry Belafonte. Ella Fitzgerald. I mean it was crazy lineup and Jimmy Durante and all this. This was like. It was a big deal. This is the first time like marrying Hollywood and politics, now where that's led us is probably a bad thing, but it was just, I don't know, watching all these performances and everything. So watching Ethel Merman and she's literally wearing just like this winter coat during the performance because she went there for rehearsals and she got stuck in the snow and couldn't get back to her hotel. And she was a Republican and still sang to the president and rather than all these fucking douches today, I'm not fucking going in. Fuck you shit, right? She put her politics to side and she did it. And as she was singing, Nia just goes, she said something like that.

[Andrew Themelis]

There's.

[Bill Burr]

There's a fucking right there. There is a tough broad. And I just started laughing and I said, what do you mean? She goes, you could just see it. She's. She's been through it all. Bunch of asshole guys and she survived, she's seen it all and blah, blah. So I look her up and of course Nia was 100% right. She'd been married like four times and she was married one time for like three months to Ernest Borgnine and they got divorced. All they did was argue and she. One of the things she said was extreme cruelty. So there's a quote. I wish I could find the fucking thing. Let me. I gotta find. Because I. Because she said it so perfectly. This is. You want to talk about somebody hilarious that you love to hang out with? Ernest. I just put in Ethel Merman, Ernest and cunt. Ernest Borgnine, Ethel Merman. There we go, the classic Ethel Merman story. All right. Of course this is going to be some douche turning it into an entire entire blog. God damn. Okay, yeah, so she, she was in her brief marriage, Merman was on some. She was on some movie set and she came home, she was all excited because the director had complimented her, saying her. She had the voice of like a 25 year old, you know, the face. And she was like, she was like 60, all right, 35 year old face and a 35 year old figure. And she said, and then Ernest Borgnine said, oh yeah. He goes, did he bring up your old cunt? She goes, no, he didn't mention you once. Something like that. I don't know. They fight. This isn't as. This isn't written as well. And what about your 65 year old cunt? And she said, nobody mentioned you at All. I've seen this thing written like five different ways. She also did it. She did a guest star on some sitcom and they had a cursed jar and she was in the middle of whatever sketch they were doing and then she just stopped. She goes, where the hell is this going? And then the star of the show was just like, Ethel, you know my rule. That'll cost you a dollar. And she just goes, oh, honey, what. What would it cost me to tell you to go fuck yourself? So Ethel Merman. Ethel Merman is a. I'm a new. I'm a big fan of hers. Unfortunately, she passed away a long time ago, so you can't go out and have a drink with her, but just seem hilarious. All right, let me read the last goddamn question here so I can move on with my life. Why do I keep doing this? I keep going away from my. The questions here. This is like unprecedented the amount of times I fucked this up. And you guys have to listen to me. Unprecedented for this podcast, I should say. All right, content. Here's the last one. The last one is Jealous Boyfriend. I love that the women are finally writing it. All right. Hello, Bill Burr. I really love your podcast. Thank you. And I was wondering what your thoughts on a situation I am going through. This is my first serious relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in about four months ago. I have. I have always fucking known that he's been overprotective and somewhat jealous. However, I started to progress more and more. Oh, get out. Get out. I trust him that he's not cheating on me. Of course, like many other women, I can be self conscious and think that maybe he could stray or do better. But I have never once accused him of cheating. Cheating on me. Not once. However, he has caused me. What? He has caused me of cheating on. He's accused. Dude, these are all voice texts. He has caused me of cheating on him. He's accused me of cheating on him multiple times. The worst case of when should have been of which he made accusations was fairly recently. I just got a full. A new full time job. I was only working part time, minimum wage job, which I'm very excited about to have this full time job so that he is not the only one working. I feel like I can contribute now. However, he started accusing me of cheating on him with someone at work even though there is no evidence. He even started accusing me of cheating on him with his own cousin. He's the one that helped me get the job. His accusations. Dump this guy. His accusations are not just him speaking, but Yelling, hitting walls, and scaring me to the point like he might get violent. All right, here's what you do, okay? Put a deposit down on another fucking apartment, okay? One day, when he goes to work, you take a fucking sick day, all right? You get a friend, you clear all your shit out of there. Yeah, fuck this guy. Fuck this guy, all right? You don't want to be anywhere near this guy. You don't want to be around this guy when you break up with them. He seems like, I don't like any of this. He doesn't even want me to wear shorts. And we live in this area that gets hot. I am not the type of person to show a lot of skins. However, when it's hot, I would like to wear shorts. You see what's going on here. This guy's taking over your whole life. I'm just wondering if this. If his thoughts that me wearing shorts is disrespectful to him to the point he is just. Wait a minute. I'm just wondering if his thoughts that me wearing shorts is disrespectful to him to the point he is justified breaking up with me over this. I am not sure where to draw the line. You should have drawn the line a while ago. Let me ask you this. If any girlfriend you had was telling you this story, you would be like, get the fuck out. Right?

[Andrew Themelis]

I really believe that.

[Bill Burr]

I love and care about him. That's the problem. However, when he does. When love. When does love turn into more of an obsession? Also, what is considered an abusive or unhealthy relationship. I would say this. I would really like to know your thoughts. You are straight up, and I believe you'll be able to give some good advice, especially since you will not have real bias since you don't know us. Thank you. Yeah, you should get the. As far as your version of what's going on, you should get the fuck out of here. Just the fact that he's choosing you are cheating on him. And with your. With his cousin, which is weird. And then yelling and hitting the walls. I mean, you're already out. You're already gone. You should be gone. And now the fact that he's telling you what you can and can't wear. Fuck this guy. So the problem is you moved in with the guy. So if you break up with the guy, what are you going to go into another room? And then you got to worry about this guy, you know, doing God knows what. Do you have any male friends? Do you have a brother? Somebody you know? They can help protect you when you get your shit out of there. I would get another fuck. I mean, this is the type of situation I wouldn't.

[Andrew Themelis]

Fuck your pride.

[Bill Burr]

I would move back in with my parents if I had to and drive longer to work. Get the fuck out of that. And I mean, it's the easiest breakup ever. As far as the reasons, I don't know. Because you don't trust me? Because you think I'm fucking your cousin to the point you're acting like Jeff Goldblum in the Fly and start punching the goddamn door jams out. Oh, and by the way, it's 90 degrees out and I can't wear shorts because you and your fragile ego can't fucking handle it. And I wouldn't say it this way, because this guy sounds like a lunatic. I don't know. What could you say that would just make this guy go away? Just say, ah. You know, I just decided that I want to get really fat and wear shorts, and I didn't want to put you through that. I don't know what to tell you, but I would get out of this. And when somebody's violent like this, I would be concerned about your own safety. So like I said, I would take a. This is what you do, all right? I figure you sound like you're young, so you probably don't have that much, so I would just. Whatever your friend is that's going to help you move out, you put the boxes together over her house, all right? And then bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom. You go in there, all right? You just act like you're going to work, and then you don't go to work, okay? And. And I would even tell you, boss, just say, listen, I am living with a guy I have to break up with, and I'm afraid he's going to get violent. So he's at work today. I'm going to act like I'm going to work and I'm going to clear my shit out of that. I think you should be fine. And then you guys fucking, and he probably. You want some fucking help, you know, because he's a good dude. And then also he's maybe. Maybe he's trying to fuck you. Wait a minute. Maybe your boyfriend's actually making a good point. No, I'm kidding. Go in there and I would just clear all your fucking shit out and I would fucking. Yeah, and I would go live somewhere else. And then I would have one last conversation with this guy and I would change my cell phone number, and that's it. And I don't know, depending on where the fuck you live, maybe you can just. He won't be able to find you. But. Yeah, this is just. This is good. This is the beginning. This has the beginnings of someone that's going to stalk you and possibly do something horrible. This guy. All right. I wish my wife was here to hear this goddamn email. She's always talking about, you know, fucking difficult a person I am. You know, I'm gonna fucking print this email out and put it on her side of the bed on the pillow. I shouldn't be making jokes like this. Yeah, I would get the fuck out of it, and that's it. And I would go find love with somebody that's excited that you got a new job, that you're going to be participating and that. And let you wear shorts when it's hot out there.

[Andrew Themelis]

You go, everybody. That's the podcast for this week.

[Bill Burr]

Go yourselves, and I'll check in on you on. On Thursday. Congratulations to the Ferrari team for winning. The next one is, I believe, in Bahrain or something like that. And then they go to Singapore. All right, I'll see you. Sa.