War, Reaction Videos, Dog Advice | Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-26

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast | March 2, 2026

Episode: War, Reaction Videos, Dog Advice
Host: Bill Burr
Podcast Network: All Things Comedy

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Bill Burr covers a wide array of topics with his signature blend of irreverence, humor, and insight. Key themes include his reflections on a stand-up anniversary, rants about sports franchises, commentary on current U.S. foreign policy (notably, the prospect of war with Iran), social media and reaction video culture, and deeply personal advice on dog ownership and difficult life decisions. The episode is classic Bill: part rant, part therapy, part cultural critique, all delivered with his Boston-bred bluntness.

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Highlights & Key Segments

34 Years in Stand-Up: The Myth of "10,000 Hours"

[00:04–03:24]

• Bill marks his 34th anniversary as a stand-up comic on March 2nd.
• He humorously debunks the “10,000 hours to mastery” myth, calculating that even after more than three decades, he’s nowhere near that on-stage time.
  • "You would have to be doing like a headlining gig every single night for 30 straight years!"
  • "I could do 20,000 hours at singing, I’d still be terrible at it."
• Reflects on how his stage time changed as his career evolved—plentiful in the grind of New York clubs, less so after moving to LA.

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Sports Rants: "Lonely" Franchises and State Taxes

[03:44–10:27]

• On NHL Team Placement:
  • Expresses bewilderment and resentment that Columbus, Ohio, has an NHL team instead of Cleveland or Cincinnati.
  • Imagines city marketing meetings, pokes fun at sports team names, and riffs on the Florida sports scene as a "destination for alcoholism."
  • "Columbus isn't a hockey town. That’s Big Ten football." [08:35]
• On State Taxes:
  • Argues that “no state tax” only benefits the ultra-rich; for regular folks, everything gets “moved around” and you pay one way or another.
  • "It's like buying a car. They just move the numbers around and they still get you."

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Sports Recap & MotoGP

[10:31–13:17]

• Bruins Recap: Enjoyed a good game and a notable fight; muses on the emotional highs and lows of hockey.
• MotoGP:
  • Expresses excitement for the new season, marvels at Marc Marquez’s handling of a high-speed tire blowout.
  • "Of course he didn’t wipe out—I would have gone flying with the weight of my head."
• False Flag References: Jokes about how Gulf racing paint schemes now just remind him of "false flag wars," shifting the tone from nostalgia to cynicism.

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U.S. Foreign Policy & The Iran Situation

[13:20–19:31]

• Bill is acerbically critical of potential war with Iran and the cyclical nature of global military interventions driven by elites.
  • "That shit that's going on in Iran has nothing to do with you or me... It’s their fucking shit... All in Iran is a bunch of people just like you, trying to get a sandwich."
• He draws an analogy to streaming services accumulating debt:
  • "Is that what we're doing globally? Just racking up debt and hoping it works out in the end?"
• Shares insights from travel:
  • Realizes every country is run by “absolute sociopaths who don’t feel love,” and ordinary people are just trying to live their lives.
• On earthquakes in Iran:
  • Notes the country's seismic vulnerability and low enforcement of building codes, expressing sympathy after learning about tens of thousands of deaths.

Notable Quote:

"You do realize there's a finite amount of money, right? And if one person has all of it, a bunch of people are living under a bridge." [15:42]

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Social Distrust, Media, and Jesus’s “Return”

[19:31–20:09]

• Bill cynically discusses media consolidation and how it pits regular people against each other while the ultra-rich benefit.
• Jokes about the Second Coming:
  • Imagines Jesus playing VR games, procrastinating on his return while God nags him.
  • "Jesus has put in 10,000 hours of not coming back. He's mastered that." [19:31]

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Touring, Family, and Golf with His Daughter

[20:09–25:55]

• Announcing a new tour, emphasizing a preference for stability—multiple nights in favorite cities.
• Shares a humorous anecdote about taking his daughter golfing—her main motivation being to drive the golf cart.
• Car travel memories:
  • Recalls long, wildlife-filled drives to gigs across the Midwest, pokes fun at his own mishaps with rental car insurance.

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The Online World: Reaction Videos & Toxicity

[25:56–29:37]

• Reacts to response about his recent Valentine’s Day video with his wife.
• Rants about the “ugliness” of internet comment sections and the cynicism of social media platforms that stoke division for profit.
• Critiques reaction videos—especially those reviewing stand-up:
  • "Now it’s become a new kind of comedy, watching these dorks break down issues in comedy. That’s amazing. It’s essentially gossip." [41:29]
• Laments the normalization of hateful audiences and how stand-up requires attention to audience responses.

Notable Quote:

"There's a certain kind of laugh you hear in the crowd, and it's an ugly laugh... If you're a person, it bothers you." [27:01]

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Society, Religion, and Violence

[29:37–29:44]

• Observes the paradox that the more devout people become in organized religion, the easier they seem to justify violence.
  • "It just seems like the more hardcore you get into whatever religion you’re into, the easier you can justify killing another human being."

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Listener Questions & Dog Advice

[41:20–56:07]

Silicon Valley Correction

• Listener corrects Bill's “Silicone Valley” vs. “Silicon Valley” slip; Bill riffs that he must think of it as “the fake tits of California,” then jokes about the Apple building and Silicon Valley culture.

Reaction Videos (Continued)

• Reads and responds to a listener about the culture of stand-up reaction videos and YouTube beefs, reasserting his “live and let live” attitude.

Dog Advice: Difficult Decisions

[49:32–56:07]

• Reads a heartfelt email from a listener whose pit bull has bitten his grandmother multiple times, seeking advice.
• Bill shares his own agonizing, emotional experience rehoming his beloved but dangerous pit bull, Cleo, when his daughter was born.
  • "I went in and I said, honey...we have to get rid of our dog. And she never looked at me. She goes, 'I know.' And we did. And it fucking ripped my heart out of my chest. I fucking cried about that like you wouldn’t believe." [54:01]
• Emphasizes responsibility:
  • "You're making the right choice...My grandmother wants to come home and deserves to."
  • Offers to connect the listener with his own trainer and stresses seeking every option before euthanasia.

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Notable Quotes Recap

• On Stand-up Mastery:
  "There's no way I'm anywhere near 10,000 hours on stage. 10,000 fucking hours. That's like having a headlining gig every single night for 30 straight years." [01:24]
• On U.S. Foreign Policy:
  "That shit that's going on in Iran has nothing to do with you or me or any regular people. That’s...their fucking shit." [13:53]
• On Escapism:
  "You take all of that [media], you wad it all together and you throw it over your shoulder and you go downstairs, you make a grilled cheese sandwich and you just enjoy the hell out of it." [17:20]
• On Social Media:
  "The geniuses with the deregulation of corporations...now two guys own the media, and that’s it. So what's going to happen is, these billionaires are all going to become trillionaires, and you and I are going to argue with each other." [15:45]
• On Family Sacrifice:
  "I had to get rid of my dog...It fucking ripped my heart out of my chest. I fucking cried about that like you wouldn't believe. But I'm also not gonna lie—the relief surprised me." [54:01]

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Memorable Moments

• Bill’s math breakdown of stage hours, blending “Rain Man shit” with raw honesty about his journey as a comic.
• Visuals of an NHL draftee being uprooted from rural Canada to Columbus, Ohio—“the lonely Blue Jackets, just not understood.”
• Extended, surreal riff on Jesus playing VR games and putting off his return—a classic Burr blend of irreverent theology and pop culture ("Jesus has put in 10,000 hours and not coming back to help people out. He's mastered that." [19:31])
• Emotional, pragmatic advice on rehoming a beloved but unsafe pet, showing Bill’s vulnerable side.

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Stand-Up Anniversary/10,000 Hour Myth – 00:04–03:24
• Sports Rants & State Taxes – 03:44–10:27
• Bruins & MotoGP – 10:31–13:17
• Iran & US Foreign Policy Rant – 13:20–19:31
• Jesus/Media/Cynicism – 19:31–20:09
• Family & Touring – 20:09–25:55
• Internet & Reaction Video Culture – 25:56–29:37 / 41:29–48:53
• Dog Advice (Benjamin) – 49:32–56:07

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Final Thoughts

With rapid shifts from global politics to sports, social commentary, and deeply personal stories, Bill Burr delivers another quintessentially raw and darkly funny episode, punctuated with moments of real compassion and insight. Whether you’re in it for the rants, the laughs, or the surprisingly heartfelt advice, this episode is essential listening for fans of Bill’s unique voice.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, what's going on?

[B]

It's Bill Burr and it's time for

[A]

the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 2, 2026. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Jesus, I've had this cold for like 10 days.

[B]

I don't know what it is.

[A]

Do you think it's the al Qaeda? Do you think it's illegal immigrants? What? What? What could it be? I'm having a false flag about my throat here. Anyways, March 2nd is a very significant day for me. I started stand up comedy 34 years ago today.

[B]

I looked it up today. How many days ago that was? Because I remember somebody asked me, you know, one time, said, how did you get good at stand up? I said, well, you know, I did a bunch of sets.

[A]

And they said, well, you put your 10,000 hours in. Because there's that. There's that theory that if you put in 10,000 hours on something, you are then a master of it, which, you know, I could do 20,000 hours of

[B]

singing, I still wouldn't master. I'd still be terrible at it.

[A]

You have to have a gift, right? There's got to be some sort of hope. Like, I could read out loud for

[B]

20,000 hours and I still wouldn't be good at it.

[A]

So that's what the guy said. He said, oh, you put your 10,000 hours in. So I was trying to think how many hours that I've spent on stage. And then what I did was I actually looked back and I said, how many days ago was March 2nd? You know, 1992? It was like 12,400 something days. So I would almost have to be doing like a half hour set every single night since 1992. So there's no way I'm nowhere near 10,000 hours on stage. 10,000 fucking hours. That's like having a headlining gig every single night for 30 straight years. If you do like.

[B]

Because what is.

[A]

It's 365 days in a year. This is some rain man shit. 3650 every 10 years. So, yeah, so 20 years would be. What is that? That's like 72. 70. 300. And then you need like another, you know, like 17. So for 18 fucking straight years yous'd have to be doing an hour a night. There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way I'm anywhere near that. Even back in the day when I would do like New York city, you

[B]

could do seven, eight shows on a weekend.

[A]

You're doing like 15 minutes. Yeah.

[B]

And that would be like, what is that?

[A]

15 times 7, that'd be a couple hours on stage.

[B]

Both, that'd be four hours.

[A]

There was like years of my career

[B]

where I was on pace.

[A]

But then what happens is once you get a following, you know, or you move out to la, you just don't get the same amount of stage time.

[B]

So I don't think that that's the case. I don't think that that's the case. So I have not mastered it yet. I have a long way to go

[A]

and a short time to get there. Old Billy Burr is sick this week. That's what I get to go for. Going to a goddamn. I was. I was sick before. I went to a theme park. I went to a big spreader event after. I got it. Look at that. So anyway, I watched a couple of Bruins games.

[B]

They're going to be knocking those things out, huh? Because of the Olympic break. So they played the Columbus Blue Jackets

[A]

in the Philadelphia Flyers. I have to tell you, I borderline resent the fact that the city of Columbus has an NHL team. I want to know, why did they pick Columbus, Ohio? Why didn't they put it in Cleveland or in Cincinnati? You got the Cleveland Browns, the Cavaliers and the Guardians. Why not get my hockey team there? They go there. They got their four fucking thing. Or you go down in Cincinnati, right? Then they have the Reds, the Bengals, and then the fucking Cincinnati ribs makers, whatever the fuck you're gonna call them, the slow cookers, right? So then they'd have football, baseball and hockey. They would just need a basketball. And then Cleveland would have football, baseball and basketball. And you, maybe you could bring those two cities together. They could say, you know, sometimes I'm envious of you. And they could be like, you know, sometimes I'm envious of you. And then leave Columbus, what it is, it's a fucking college town where one of the great overrated schools exists.

[B]

No, I don't. I don't have a problem with Ohio State.

[A]

I mean, they are a little full of themselves with the Ohio State. Like, oh, are there numerous Ohio states? There are a bunch of imposters. How is Ohio states? I can't even say it. Is there all Ohio, State of Miami? Anyway, I always thought that was weird, so I started talking to somebody about that. Those fucking lonely franchises where they're just the only ones. Like the Memphis Grizzlies, the Orlando Magic, just sitting there next to Disneyland, Sea World and a fucking alligator farm. Like, what are those fucking athletes supposed to do out there? What are you going to do? You're just Going to get in trouble. You know, I can't believe nobody on the Orlando Magic has never lost a leg to, like a fucking croc. Just doing some dumb shit like you just can't go to Disney World again. You can't go to SeaWorld and see those killer whales with their dorsal fin flapped down because they're so fucking sad that they're in captivity. Then you got Jacksonville, which is like this destination city for alcoholism. You know, the Georgia Florida game. Everybody goes out there to just do a bunch of shit that they wouldn't do in their own fucking place. Their own town. It's like a rental town. It's completely disrespected. And in the middle of all of that, they have a fucking NFL franchise. I kind of get that because Florida is such a great football state. What's another lonely one just sitting out there all by itself? Just one fucking team. Vancouver Canucks. Calgary Flames. No, but you know what? They have CFL teams. They got the BC Eagles, the Calgary Shit Stompers and the Edmonton Eskimos. Right? Surprised they didn't make them change that name, right? Or what did they change it to? What is the proper terminology?

[B]

You know, what is the proper terminology for a group of people? Use the right term that you're not going to help them out after you fucked them over. What is the proper word to call them?

[A]

Jesus Christ. Anyway, you know what I do whenever I get a cold?

[B]

This is a great cure. What I do is in the middle of the night, I get in the shower and I put it on as cold as humanly possible. And then I go outside naked and I just stand out there for a good 45 minutes. And then the next day, I don't have a cold anymore. I have pneumonia. Sorry. That was a long way to go

[A]

and a short time to get there. That's gonna be the theme on this. Anyway, so I watched the Bruins, we beat the Blue Jackets. The lonely Blue Jackets. You know what I mean? Just not understood. Columbus isn't a hockey town. That's Big Ten football.

[B]

Columbus.

[A]

Jesus fucking Christ. Imagine if some Canadian kid, right, pond hockey on somebody's fucking farm property in

[B]

the middle of fucking nowhere, Saskatchewan.

[A]

And then you dream, someday I'm going to make it to the NHL and I'm going to go where there's people and buildings and stuff to do with the third selection in the NHL draft. The Columbus Blue Jackets select you off of your farm to go to Columbus fucking Ohio. At least if you play for, like, the Orlando Magic, there's no state tax which works at that level. If you're making like 20 million bucks, it makes sense to move to a state where there's no state tax. But if you just fucking a ham and egger, if you move to a state with no state tax, they're taxing you everywhere else. I love that whole idea. Oh, yeah, there's no state tax. Oh, yeah, they just run the state for free. All those people you see fucking whatever the you do down there, clearance. Instead of snow plowing, you plowing up the shit that got knocked over during a hurricane, you just snow state tax. No state tax. Works out for the fucking. For real, really rich people. That's what it were. Everybody else, it's just like, all right, well, it's like buying a car, you know, they just move the numbers around and they still get you. And you think, oh, I got the car for eight grand. But then they had like another 12,000 on the other side. But the price on the sticker says eight grand. But you gave him 20, something like that. I don't know how they do it. I never figured it out. I just always had this sneaking suspicion that I got fucked.

[B]

Anyway, anyway, so I watched.

[A]

That was a great game.

[B]

Bruins, Flyers. Game was a great game. That was a great game. A lot of almost goals.

[A]

Great fight.

[B]

Tanner Janeau fought the Flyers.

[A]

Tough guy came out on top. Great fight on both sides. I think I'd give the edge to Tanner. Bloodied the guy up a little bit. Then it's funny, later on in the game, he goes after Charlie McAvoy with a total fucking clean hit. Great hit. Great open ice hit. The guy had the fucking puck. He hit him. He didn't fucking hurt him. And then this guy takes exception to it. I think he was taking exception to what happened to him when he fought Tanner Genoa. But at the end of the day, the Flyers, it got the empty netter and then that was it. That was the end of that. And then I watched the MotoGP. MotoGP is back. I'm very excited about it. You wouldn't know. I'm just a little under the weather, I guess. Marc Marquez shoulder is banged up a little bit. I missed the sprint, but I heard Pedro Acosta won that. He's actually the points leader because then he came in second place. The race. Marc Marquez had the weirdest thing. I've never seen this happen. Like his back tire just blew out. The rim got bent and shit. I think that's when he went into the gravel. I would. I gotta see what the hell happened. But of course he didn't wipe out. I could have been riding that bike eight miles an hour on a turn, in a turn, whatever you say, under a turn, no returns. And if the fucking back tire blew out, I would have high sided and I would have, with the weight of my head, I would have flown off the top and that would have been it. And this guy was going, I don't know how fast into the turn, probably 70 miles an hour when he started, you know, after he had slowed down. Slowed down and he still didn't fucking wipe out. But he was running great there for a minute. But what's his face? Marco Basheck. He won it. Then Pedro Acosta and then Raul Fernandez with that new cool team trackhouse that has the same paint scheme as Ford vs Ferrari. The Ford with the gulf on the side, which I used to really like. And now I just see that and I just see false flag war, you know, like it used to be a cool T shirt. Now I feel like if you wear it, there's people around the world going like, oh, you like those guys?

[B]

They blew up my house.

[A]

And I got to give a shout

[B]

out to I O Gura. I love the way he rode the teammate of Raul Fernandez.

[A]

It's kind of funny that his, his

[B]

first name spade spelled AI with all

[A]

the shit that's going on.

[B]

So I did all of that and

[A]

then I guess now we're going to go to war with Iran because God

[B]

knows we have the money, right?

[A]

Like where the fuck. I don't understand, you know, like you remember when Netflix first started and they got like $20 billion in debt and you're like, how the fuck are these

[B]

guys ever gonna pay this off?

[A]

And then they start. And then somehow they started to. Is that what we're doing globally? We're just gonna keep having all of these fucking wars and then what in the end when we, you know, get

[B]

rid of the terrorism,

[A]

slash, get all the oil, then what? The oil corporations are going to pay back the debt for using the armies to get all the oil, right? That's what they're going to do now. They're going to leave us with it. So fuck all of that, okay? That shit that's going on in Iran has nothing to do with you or me or any regular people. That has to do with Trump, Netanyahu, the Ayatollah guy, the fucking Hezbollah, all of those Tony Blair, all of those fucking. That. That's their fucking shit. All it's in Iran is a bunch of people like you trying to figure out what to say to some hot chick or get a fucking sandwich, whatever. They get a kebab over there. They're just. They're just like you. That's why I travel, because that's what you see. And then you realize, oh, every country is run by an absolute sociopath that doesn't feel love. So they try to fill the void with power. So they just start all these rumors about everybody, and then they send all the regular people that are just trying to get a sandwich, talk to the hot chick, go, you know, buy a boat, whatever the fuck you want to do. Little dreams. Like the other day, I had a little dream. I had a little dream I was going to go to the supermarket, get myself some Havarti cheese so I could fucking make a goddamn grilled cheese sandwich.

[B]

And you know what?

[A]

I went in there and it was there. It was in there, you know, and it was probably packaged by somebody who was then put into an ice van, is now surrounded by alligators. Because those people are the. They're the reason why you can't afford a house. Not these fucking trillionaires. You do realize there's a finite amount of money, right? And if one person has all of it, all of that, there's a bunch

[B]

of people living under a bridge.

[A]

There you go. Okay? And the geniuses with the deregulation of corporations in the capitalist system, they have. They opened the door for all of this. So now two guys own the media, and then that's it. So what's going to happen is these billionaires are all going to become trillionaires, and you and I are. Are going to argue with each other and possibly kill one another in the fucking street, even though we should be on the same team. It's fucking brilliant. But anyways, let's talk about Iran for a second. Aside from all the shit that's going on over there, they have an unbelievable amount of earthquakes over there. Like, this is from someone living in Los Angeles. So I was like, I wonder why that is, you know? And evidently they sit on not one, but two fault lines. The Arabian and the Eurasian fault lines. Two of the biggest fault lines in the world.

[B]

And for whatever reason, they got all that oil money over there.

[A]

I don't know why they don't fucking. I was looking up how many of

[B]

their buildings were up to code, and

[A]

it was like 60% of them. Like, when they have earthquakes over there,

[B]

a staggering amount of people die. It's fucking insane.

[A]

They had an earthquake in the early 90s.

[B]

40,000 people died.

[A]

It's insane. Anyway,

[B]

What are you going to do? I mean, I don't know what to do with any.

[A]

All that information. Everybody's telling me, you know, this is happening. And then they're doing this because of this, they're doing that. It's like you don't know fucking why anybody's doing anything. All you know is what you've been told or what you were allowed to, to read. So I have no idea what's going on. So I listened to the bullshit here and then I read the on Al Jazeer and then I watched some bullshit on BBC. And then what, you know, what you do is you take all of that shit, you wad it all together and you throw it over your shoulder and you go downstairs, you make a grilled cheese sandwich and you just enjoy the hell out of it, knowing full well that whatever's going on over there is eventually going to be here. So you just try to enjoy your life while these sociopaths run it into the ground. And evidently, Jesus is going to continue laying on an L shaped couch and he's not coming back. What is that dude waiting for? I just picture him, he's got like

[B]

one of those virtual reality helmets on. He's up there playing like Grand Theft Auto.

[A]

And God's like, what are you still doing here? He's supposed to go back down there and judge everybody. Dad gonna, just one more game. And then God looks at him going, you know, I spoiled you. And then Jesus looks at him and goes, really?

[B]

And he's like, dude, that was a long time ago, all right? You had a bad couple of fucking days.

[A]

You know, he had a three day weekend. You shook it off, you came back,

[B]

you freaked some people out.

[A]

Never since then, you just been fucking chilling out. All right, okay, you're right, all right, I made a mistake.

[B]

I have apologized

[A]

for an entire millennial about this shit. Almost right? If Jesus was born in the year zero, he lived to be, what, 33. So in 2033, he's been gone for 2,000 years.

[B]

2,000 years. As a millennial,

[A]

I'll tell you, Jesus has put in 10,000 hours and not coming back to help people out. He's mastered that. Hats off to him. Hats off to the state worker up in the sky. Anyway, Got some I'm gonna work on

[B]

this week and stand up, I'm gonna

[A]

talk about some, dude, I'm gonna get on stage, talk about some I want to talk about. And then I got to get geared up here

[B]

to go.

[A]

I don't even know where the hell I'm going. It is March. Holy. My tour starts.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

As excited as I am to go on the road, I have absolutely loved, loved not going anywhere. I have not done, like a. I got a proper tour since the end of 2024. Then I did the play.

[B]

Yeah. So I go back out on tour and this tour, I'm going out and I'm playing my favorite cities and my favorite venues. I've just slowly been putting this tour together, talking with my agent about all the different places I played over the

[A]

years and

[B]

the good times I've had. I want to go back and play, like, places for, like, two, three nights. That's what I want to do. So I can fucking go to a city, unpack, and live like a goddamn person instead of jumping all around like I'm fucking running from the law. All right. My kids were off school this week. We had a great time. I took my daughter golfing for the first time. And it was funny. The only reason why she wanted to go golfing. I forget if I told you guys this on Thursday, because she wanted to drive the golf cart and she had a great time. And I'd be honest with you. Like, fast forwarding to when she turns 16 and gets her driver's license. I'm gonna love every second of that. Because I can tell you this. I've definitely put in 10,000 hours driving in my lifetime. I've been everywhere, man. I've been everywhere. The amount of when I used to do college gigs back in the day, I didn't have any money. So, like, I would, like, land in Kansas City and then drive to, like, Olathy. Or I would land in Omaha.

[A]

Omaha.

[B]

And I would drive out to. I didn't. What the fuck it was called halfway through the state. Harris. Something around. I can't remember these fucking places. Dodge City, Sioux City, the Quad Cities, that fucking giant mall in Minnesota, Duluth.

[A]

I would just fly. I remember fucking landing in Detroit, and

[B]

I had this gig in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. So I was thinking Michigan, so I landed in Detroit.

[A]

I should have landed in Milwaukee, because

[B]

that Upper Peninsula park goes over the state of Wisconsin. So it ended up being what I thought was going to be a six hour drive and ended up being like eight or nine hours. And I went over the bridge that's up there by, like, Lake Superior. And I swear to God, I saw every goddamn varmint that nature has to badgers, wolverines, fox, all these raccoons, all of these.

[A]

And then the just kept getting bigger. Then it was deer, just Run. I remember that so much ran out

[B]

in front of my car driving up there that I tried to get retroactive

[A]

insurance because I turned down the insurance, and then they wouldn't give me insurance

[B]

because they thought I already hit something. I said, no, I'm driving up here and, you know, I'm seeing all these

[A]

moose and elk and all of this shit, and they're like, sir, could you

[B]

not talk like that?

[A]

And I'm just like. I'm talking like somebody who's driving 70 miles an hour and something as big as a fucking horse is running out in front of me. Sir, I'm gonna have to end this phone call.

[B]

All right, you end the phone call so.

[A]

Make you feel better. Is your lunch gonna taste better that you're leaving me out here with these

[B]

fucking pheasant and all of this other shit?

[A]

I swear to God, that should have

[B]

been a hunting show.

[A]

I should have driven up there with

[B]

some fucking redneck in the passenger seat, and it's like a video game. Remember that shit that used to go across the screen? Whatever ran out in front of it,

[A]

he'd shoot and kill it.

[B]

You know, it'd be great. Then he goes out of his way to talk about how much he doesn't give a fuck about the animals to get all the liberals and PETA people freaking out in the. The comments section. All right, sorry. My daughter came and interrupted. She told me she wants to get some more of those squishy baseballs that can hit a window but don't break it. She keeps hitting them up onto the roof. It's just. It's a matter of time.

[A]

It's a matter of time before I call.

[B]

I. I do a podcast and I've fallen off the roof and fucked up one side of my body. Not ain't happening. I always make sure I'm. I'm fucking safe when I do that shit. I don't fuck around. I mean, I do fuck around, and I make my lovely wife nervous, but I always make sure that I don't do anything fucking stupid because, you know, there's a lot of shit that you can recover from, but falling off a roof is not. At my age, is not one of them. I feel like I would hit the ground and I would just splatter into a million pieces. Like you threw a statue off the thing. One of those hollow ones, you know?

[A]

Anyway, I want to thank all you

[B]

guys for all the nice stuff you said about that Valentine's Day video clips that I did with my lovely wife. That was a really fun thing to do and kind of give you guys a glimpse of, you know, how much fun we have together. Because, you know, the Internet's an ugly place and there's a lot of punks out there with like phony accounts and. And they really say a lot of horrible because they're ignorant. So it was fun to kind of just be there and show the truth rather than this, the. That people write. Like, it's so insane. It's so insane. You know, with all this stupid,

[A]

like, I don't get out.

[B]

These nerds are all glorified. They came up with these social media platforms where people can just write racist on it.

[A]

You know, it's like, doesn't that bother

[B]

you that that's your business and that that's what people are doing?

[A]

You know, as a stand up comedian, you know, there's a certain kind of

[B]

laugh that you hear in the crowd and it's an ugly laugh.

[A]

And it's just like you hear it

[B]

and it's like, if you're a person, it bothers you. It's like, well, I got to watch how I'm saying that if that's how that person heard it. Because you can hear when there's. There's that racist fucking or like homophobic or just something like you can just hear it.

[A]

So as a comic, I say to myself, all right, I got to do the math.

[B]

Like, is that because.

[A]

Is that some shit that that guy walked in with? Or am I saying this in a way that he thinks I'm saying something that I'm not saying? So you got to go back and look at the joke.

[B]

If you're a fucking person.

[A]

The fact that these fucking nerds, you know, have these platforms and just people can just sit there.

[B]

I don't know all of that stuff.

[A]

I think all of that

[B]

rich people,

[A]

they leave it because they know it

[B]

divides people and they're able to stay where they're at.

[A]

Like, that's the only reason why I have to be honest with you. Like, when my last special came out,

[B]

like, I really thought the big thing people were going to ask me about was the clan bit. Questioning why they still exist. Why if we're fighting a war on terrorism that that group is allowed, that they somehow are protected by free speech. And then why aren't other races allowed to come up with their own version of the Klan? Why if they do it does the

[A]

FBI goes in and fucking kills the people that are trying to do it. But the Klan, they tolerate. I thought that was going to start the dialogue and it didn't. It didn't. The most liberal of all white people would come up to me, be like, sad men. How did you come up with that bit? That was the one that resonated. It's fucked.

[B]

It's fucked how ingrained and normal that that shit is. But anyways, it really wears on you.

[A]

So it was a nice thing, you know, to be able to do that. And I'm glad you guys, the decent

[B]

people out there, fucking enjoyed it.

[A]

And

[B]

I don't know, I just. I don't understand those other people.

[A]

You know, they're really weird people.

[B]

They're really like evil people that are.

[A]

And they're also like simultaneously really into God, that weird shit. There is something about like all religions. It just seems like the more hardcore you get into whatever religion you're into,

[B]

the easier you can justify killing another human being.

[A]

I don't know. I don't get. I don't. It's just bizarre. Anyway, let's do some. Let's do some ad reads here. Oh, look who it is, everybody. I got to go easy because my voice here, it's all zip recruiter, you know. It's the biggest time of year for college basketball, man. The tournament teams face off against each other until it's down to the final two. Along the way, there are surprises, comebacks, and upsets. It's anyone's game. Well, regardless of who makes it to the final round, one thing for certain, it takes the most talented people to build these incredible teams. The same goes for when you're hiring. See that? See what they did there? If you want your business to be at the top of its game, you need the best people on your team, the place to find them. And now you can try it for [e-mail] Burr Zip here. SAP Smart. Their Smart matching technology immediately finds qualified candidates that check all the the boxes. Keep it clean. ZipRecruiter recommends screening questions you can easily add to get the highest quality applicants. Want to see who's recently active? ZipRecruiter. That's a new one. That's the haunted one. Filters show you. They show you. No wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2. Still don't know what G2 is, but based on those fucks, ZipRecruiter is killing it. Score the best for your team with zip. Four out of five employees who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first goddamn day. Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com bird that's ZipRecruiter.com spur meet your match on ZipRecruiter. I paused in the wrong place. Meet your match on zip. See, that was your match. That hoary fucking voice there. All right. Oh, look who it is. Everybody. It's simply safe. You know, if you're like me, you're desensitized to dozens of notifications on your phone each day. If you're like me, you fucking shut

[B]

your phone off lately.

[A]

But if that latest ping is from your security camera, ignoring it could spell disaster. Why would you ignore it if it's from your security camera? What do you look at? He doesn't look that strong. What's he going to get? Pile of shirts. Picture this. He's breaking in, but you're giving a huge presentation at work, at the movies or on a flight at 30,000ft. You'll see the footage in a couple hours, but by then it's too late. That's why I choose Simply Safe. Simplisafe is a customizable home. Well, what the fuck kind of security system do you have? You don't have Simplisafe. You have cameras set up so you can see what's happening. But you're at work. You can't stop it. Oh, you have the extra step. We then have to call the cops. So if you get Simplisafe, they're right on it. Simplisafe is a customizable home security System backed by 24, seven monitoring agents I can rely on to act even when I can't. Traditional security systems only act after somebody has already broken in. That's too goddamn late. Simplisafe's Active guard Outdoor protection can help prevent break ins before they happen. While other security companies lock you in. Simplisafe comes with no long term contract. You sign in a one year deal. Like Stefon Diggs, they earn your trust every day by keeping you safe and satisfied. They are so confident in the protection they provide, they even back it with an anti theft guarantee. That's new. They were just named Best home security of 2026 by U.S. news World Report. Dude, the fact that they have an anti theft guarantee. Some motherfucker is going to go out and then come back dressed as themselves, dressed as somebody else, in like a costume and rob their own fucking house. Then try to get paid double because they still have their shit. See that you got to get in the mind of these criminals, man. They were just named Best Home security system of 2026 by U.S. news World Report. They've been named the best customer service in home security with industry leaving leading customer satisfaction scores to prove it. Right now, my listeners can get 50% off a new system by visiting SimpliSafe.com Burr that's SimpliSafe.com Spur S I M P L I S A F E.com Spur there's no safe like simply safe. Oh, shit. I know where I'm going on the road. I got Utah and North Carolina coming up because those are the last two teams. I need to see a home game of the Hurricanes. The fucking Utah mammoth. All right, Squarespace, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Are you tired of failing online? Why don't you get Squarespace? Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer, everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. From from consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings from a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Plus, streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials and premium workshops. Head out to squarespace.com brrrr for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Burr B U R R to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com brrrr for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Burr burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Jesus fucking Christ. How many are there this week? What the fuck? I got one more. Oh, boy. All right.

[B]

What is this one called?

[A]

This is like a father who has a big family. You've already dealt with three or four kids and then the fifth one comes up. What the fuck do you want, Dad? I just wanted to say hello. All right. Fast Growing Trees. Hey, man, did you know Fast Growing Trees is America's largest and most trusted online nursery with thousands of trees and plants. Over 2 million. With over 2 million happy customers. How in the fuck would anybody know that they have all the plants? That's like, hey, you know, won the super bowl three years ago, like Someone would know that. How the fuck would they know that? Fast Growing trees is America's largest, most trusted online. That's got to be one of the dumbest questions anybody's ever asked. They have all the plants your yard and home needs, including fruit trees, privacy trees. Fuck off. Flowering trees, shrubs, shrubs, you know, hiding your house's gut. You don't want to see where the fucking house meets the foundation and house plants. All grown with care and a guarantee to arrive healthy. Not those drunk trees those other fucking people sell you wherever you're looking for. Whatever you're looking for, fellow, Fast Growing trees helps to find you, to find options that actually work for your climate, space and lifestyle. That's really important, the climate. A lot of people out here, they like the east coast trees and it's just we live in a desert, all right? You're supposed to have like the wily coyote looking. Fast growing trees makes it easy to get your dream yard. Just click order grow and get healthy, thriving plants delivered to your door. I can get my dream backyard. I would love that. I would love that. You know what I would have? I would have an underground bomb shelter drum room with a gun turret on top. And then I'd have a pool with the deep end, the shape of my head and the rest is my body. So it'd be like a lap pool goes into like a conversation pit except it's filled with water. Then you just put Fast growing healthy trees around. Fast growing trees makes it easy to get your dream yard. Just click order, grow and get healthy, thriving plants delivered to your door. They're alive and thrive guarantee promises that your plants arrive happy and healthy. No green thumb required. Just quality plants you can count on. You can count on like you're fucking down in the dump. So they're going to cheer you up. Plus get ongoing support from trained plant experts who can help you plan your landscape, choose the right plants and learn how to care for them every step of the way. That's huge right there for me. That's the selling point. That's what got me. That's when I knew I had found my dream tree place. You don't need a big yard or a whole lot of space. You can grow lemon, avocado, olive or fig trees indoors. There you go, all you fucking gun nuts out there. Now you don't have to go outside to your farm during the apocalypse and work. Worry that you're going to get fucking clipped as you go out there. You can just sit in your bulletproof bay window eating all that Food. Looking at the zombies outside. That's the way you do it. That's how you do it. All grown with care and hand selected to thrive in your home. Get all the plants you need without the messy car or trip to the garden center. Right now. They have great deals on spring planting essentials. Up to half off on selected plants. And get. And listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase when using the Code Burr at checkout. That's an additional 20% off if you didn't hear it the first time, you deaf son of a bitch. Better plants and better [e-mail] using the code burr at checkout fast growingtrees.com code burr now's the perfect time to plant. Let's grow together. Use burr to save today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. All right, mercifully, we are into the questions. We're into the questions here for the week.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Oh, Jesus, someone's going to correct me. Wait a second. Are you actually suggesting that I might

[B]

have made a mistake?

[A]

How dare you?

[B]

All right.

[A]

Silicone Valley. Hey, Billy Breezyballs, motorcycle rider reference. Just a heads up. The geographical area you are referring to in California is called Silicon Valley, not Silicone Valley, you silly fuck. Oh, that's actually kind of funny. I'm calling them the fake tits of California. All good to the family. Thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself. All right. I'll try to remember that. I don't even know where Silicon Valley is. I envision that it's somewhere near Stanford and the Apple building, right? I love how the Apple building is just like this big circle, you know? And we're all supposed to be like, wow, man, you guys are so fucking different. It's just like, you know, the Pentagon. Didn't they do the same fucking thing? You just picked a different shape. And let me guess, the circle. Man, just think about it. The wheel, how it changed the world. Just like Steve Jobs did. You ever see a bigger fucking jerk off in a turtleneck? Just constantly trying to remind people of how special he was. Sometimes I feel like when people are like that, you know, when they die, when they meet God, they. God's got to be looking at him like, he probably doesn't say anything. He just looks at him. He just waits them to slowly look at the ground in shame. Be like, all right, I know I kind of compared myself to your son. You got me, you know, I got. I get a little out in front of my skis. What do you want from me? You know, I had great hair for a while. I wore a turtleneck, comfortable sneakers. I mean, that was fucking radical office wear. I would sit Indian style, criss cross applesauce on my desk, you know, right next to my computer. All that shit humming near my balls. Anyway, commentary videos, Bill. One of the. One of the worst things to happen to comedy is these reaction videos where dorks break down issues in comedy. How about just reaction videos in general? It's always a video of somebody doing something. I find it'll be like a drummer playing something, and then like, there's this other guy. All right, let's see what's going on here. Ooh. Okay. All right. Wow. Whoa. Like this, like, dude, I know this guy's playing great. And now you're fucking it up because I have to deal with your reaction to it. I want to do that in, like, the Louvre. All right, let's see what this is all about. And you walk up to, like, the Mona Lisa, and it's not about the painting anymore. It's about my reaction to it. And I can't even draw a fucking stick figure. I had no idea that people were doing these with. With. With stand up videos. I think that's fantastic because then it's just become. Now it's. It's a new kind of comedy, is just watching these dorks break down issues in comedy. That's amazing. It's essentially gossip. These guys talk with authority about people they probably don't even know and clubs they've never been to. They're really doing this. The golden age of podcast thing ended when giant companies could produce their own shitty scripted shows. Just because you're famous doesn't mean someone wants to hear your boring ass take. Hey, it's coming a little fucking close to me here. It's funny watching major networks try and recreate what you guys did grassroots style. No advertising the show on the side of a bus. No gimmicks, just interesting people talking. The YouTube nerds that spend hours creating stories about beefs that probably don't exist are making money being bitchy little hens. Well, if they're bitchy little hens, you know, let them cook. As the kids say, let them be little. I don't know if it's a reaction video. I don't watch it. I. You know, I just move on to the next video. I don't give a. You know, like, why don't I watch, like, a five star chef make something? All right, let's see what this guy's About. Oh. Oh, that looks tasty. I'm not even good at making a grilled fucking ham and cheese sandwich. I lost my fucking touch. I can toast the shit out of the bread, but it gets toasted, and then the shit in the middle is still fucking cold. And I know what you're thinking. You're like, well, Bill, your heat's too fucking high. I tried that. I don't know what happened. I lost it. I got the yips like Chop Knobloch, Steve Sachs, you know, or Joe Biden halfway through his speech. Also, I don't really care if I disagree with the comedians. Take. I don't need anyone sounding the same. Whatever happened to being able to like someone you disagree with? Anyways, thanks for the years of podcasting. I've been listening since 2011. I appreciate that. Yeah, that's how I look at it, you know? Like, I don't. There's a whole bunch of that I don't like or I wouldn't do, but I don't give a. If somebody wants to do it. Face tattoos. Hey, man, have at it. I would have stopped before you got to your neck. You know, that's just my own. I don't like sleeve tattoos. I used to like them because it meant something. Now you know, a fucking barista has one, and then I just don't think. I think people are in such a fucking rush. What was the last time you saw a really, truly good sleeve tattoo where it was, like, interesting to look at and all of that? I just think the way guys like Bon Scott did it or Axl Rose, you know, he just had fucking tattoos, and then he had a bunch of skin around. He had some negative space. You fill it all in. I don't know what I'm looking at. Oh, my God. That's what. I'm gonna start doing my reaction videos to sleeve tattoos. All right, let's. Let's check out this guy's sleeve tattoo. Okay. You know what? I actually liked it. Oh, look at the elbow. I bet that hurt. My dog, Benjamin. You have a dog named Benjamin? I kind of love that. First movie I ever saw. For the love of Benji. I don't even know where to begin. This is about my dog. Benjamin's. Benjamin or Benjamins. Benjamin's takes it in a different direction. All about the Benjamins. Or is it just a dog named Benjamin? I don't know. You're all over the map. You know, I went over and I. I went to a buddy's house last night, smoked a cigar, and he has

[B]

a Chocolate lab that I absolutely.

[A]

I love this dog and this dog loves me. Like we say hello for 20 minutes.

[B]

When I go over there, my buddy

[A]

just goes out in the kitchen, he starts making cough because he knows how long it's going to take.

[B]

I just sit there going, what?

[A]

I know. Oh, I know. You know when they do that, that thing where they look like they're going to bite you with it, they make like they smile and they're walking in a circle.

[B]

Fucking dog is awesome. Anyway, this is about my dog Benjamins. I'm going to call him Benjamins. I like that better.

[A]

And then you could just say, you know, do you love your dog? Oh yeah, man. I'm all about Benjamin's. He's a sweetheart. I love that. And I love him more than I love most people on this earth. Course you do. You know why? Cuz a fucking thing's always happy to see you. Doesn't judge you. It still loves you. He's a great dog. Unfortunately, he's got a little bit of food aggression issues. Oh boy. Where is this going? Please tell me there's no kids in this story. I'll try and keep this somewhat short and to the point. I moved in with my grandmother about a year ago. Oh no. Benjamin. It's back to Benjamin. Benjamin loves her. Unfortunately. Unfortunately though, bit her for the third time. Bad enough that she had to go to the hospital and get stitches. All right, you got to get rid

[B]

of that fucking dog.

[A]

Most of all, it was beyond traumatic for her. She's almost 90 years old. Dude. What the fucking fuck? I get it if she gets bit three times when she's 89, but I draw the line at 90. While her aunt is healing from the bite, she's been staying with my aunt at home. She's truly afraid to come back home. I don't know who would want to adopt a 10 year old pit bull with mild food aggression issues. Dude, she needs stitches. The chances of my grandmother passing.

[B]

Wait, sorry, I read that.

[A]

I thought you were fucking hedging when she was going to die versus your dog. The chances of my grandmother possibly being bit again is not an option. Good. Financially, it's not an option for me to just jump ship and move right now. My heart is torn. I know you had a similar situation with your dog and the newborn that you brought home and into the world. Yeah, I had to get rid of my dog. Had to get rid of my dog and I gave it to my trainer and. I still would visit the dog before the trainer moved.

[B]

And then I Would only see the dog when I would perform in that state. And then what happened was the dog came back for a visit. And I still felt guilty, but I knew I did the right thing. And then one day I had her in the house, and my daughter, my

[A]

baby, was on the bed where she used to sleep.

[B]

And I had the dog on the leash. I had the dog, right? And I watched my dog looked over

[A]

at my baby and the ears went up. And usually then, you know, I would do something to change the direction because she was fixating. I let her fixate.

[B]

She looked over and she went and growled at the baby. And that was it. That was it. That was fucking it. That was like, I made the right decision that. That. And by the way, that.

[A]

Anyway, I knew you had a similar situation with your dog and the newborn

[B]

that you brought home and into the world.

[A]

If it's an option, maybe you can send me the name and. Or the information of that guy your

[B]

dog went to live with. It's an absolute responsibility to seek out and exhaust every other situation possible. Because putting him down, as simple as it may seem, is anything but simple. I want to say it's not even an option. Now, don't worry.

[A]

I'm going to reach out to this guy.

[B]

If he can't do it, he probably knows a direction you can go in. But you're making the right choice.

[A]

My grandmother wants to as well as to.

[B]

Deserves to come home under the roof of her house. So time is of the essence. Yes.

[A]

On a side note, without trying to blow smoke up your ass, your hands down, one of my favorite comedians. Oh, thank you.

[B]

From the way you look at things

[A]

to your outlook on life and your greater Boston area.

[B]

No kind of attitude. And when you get this message, I really hope you can help me in. In the right direction.

[A]

Sincerely, a fan for life. All right, dude, I have been there. That was one of the hardest situations,

[B]

decisions I had to make. And I remember my wife was in the third trimester.

[A]

My baby was due in January, our baby. And it was November.

[B]

And it was almost like

[A]

my wife

[B]

knew I was going to say it. I went in and I said, honey. And she didn't look at me. And I said, we have to get rid of our dog. And she never looked at me. She goes, I know. And we did. And it fucking ripped my heart out of my chest. I fucking cried about that like you wouldn't believe. But I'm also not gonna lie to you. The fucking relief that I had surprised me. It obviously did not equal the sadness I Had. I fucking love that dog. I still love that dog. That dog was fucking crazy, but so am I. And, you know, but the dog was legit crazy. I remember my. Even my trainer said it said was like, dude, this is one of these dogs nature said no to. People said yes to Even he was saying, this dog is fucked. And. But I'm not shitting on pit bulls because some really close friends of mine, this married couple, they're the best, great kids and all of that, they have two pit bulls, and they are the goofiest, friendliest, silliest, awesome dogs. And when I go over there, I always think, like, man, I wish the pit bull I had was like this. I just, you know.

[A]

But you know what?

[B]

What was great was Cleo lived like. I mean, beat the odds. And she lived an entire life

[A]

like

[B]

a dog like that, a pit bull astray. And it's like squirrely and trying to bite people. Like, those things don't live long. And I don't know why. She lived to be about 14 years old or something like that. It was pretty fucking amazing.

[A]

So, anyway, I am a man of my word. I am going to reach out right

[B]

now to my trainer, because you are making the right decision, sir. And, you know, but you're also a good dude. You don't want to put your dog down. I mean, that's literally the exact fucking situation that I was in. So I would be an asshole if I didn't help you out. So I'm going to do what I can. All right, buddy? All right, that's it. Okay, Everybody go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday.