Water In The Basement, Diving, Doctors | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-2-25

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast: "Water In The Basement, Diving, Doctors" (Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-2-25)

Date: October 2, 2025
Host: Bill Burr – All Things Comedy
Guests: Joe Bartnik, Paul Verze, Andrew Semless, Jake "the Snake"

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Bill Burr, joined by longtime friends Joe Bartnik and Paul Verze, delivers his signature blend of storytelling, rants, and off-the-cuff humor. The trio delves into everyday miseries—like flooded basements and broken trucks—while also riffing on sports, health, parenting, relationships, and getting older. The tone is conversational, irreverent, and frequently self-deprecating. Highlights include personal disasters, thoughts on decluttering, sports fandom embarrassment, aging, health revelations, and good-natured takes on masculinity and relationship expectations.

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Major Discussion Points & Insights

1. Water in the Basement: Domestic Disasters & Acceptance

[00:21–04:05]

• Bill and Joe swap horror stories about a flooded basement. Bill details waking up early, discovering the disaster, and standing ankle-deep in water in his pajamas.

  "All homeowners are cringing right now." – Joe Bartnik [00:27] "I'm in my pajamas, in slippers, standing in water, and I'm like, where the fuck is the main water shut off?" – Joe Bartnik [02:04]

• They reflect on the futility of fighting things you can’t control:

  "I flip out over little things; bigger things like this, I just go like, 'All right, you know, I guess...'" – Joe Bartnik [02:41] "It's the balance of the universe, right? You get one thing fixed, something else has to break." – Bill Burr [04:05]

2. Decluttering, Relationships, and the Yin-Yang of Marriage

[04:13–05:47]

• Bill describes his frustration with clutter, lamenting the tension between his desire for open space and his wife’s inclination to "nest":

  "I've been saying we gotta like... I want to have the option to be able to stretch because I'm old in any... I need flow, feng shui, whatever they call it." – Joe Bartnik [05:15]

3. Escapism: Flying, Biking, and Not Smoking Cigars

[06:00–08:30]

• Bill finds peace in activities that demand focus, like flying helicopters and riding his Harley.

  "One of the few times my brain shuts off is when I'm doing those two activities or if I'm smoking a cigar... which I'm really happy about not doing anymore." – Bill Burr [07:19]

4. Sports Fandom and Emotional Self-Regulation

[08:30–11:54]

• Bill discusses being a Red Sox and Patriots fan but choosing not to watch games live to avoid setting a bad example for his kids.

  "I just don't want them to see me like that... I'll just wait till my kids grow up and get out of the house again before I will watch." – Bill Burr [09:17] "I am old enough now to realize how stupid that is to put your whole family through it." – Bill Burr [10:23]

5. Domestic Chaos Multipliers: Broken Trucks, Failing Stuff

[11:48–12:21]

• Everything seems to break down at once—truck, sideview mirror, etc.—but Bill finds a way to remain calm.

  "My life is awesome right now, so these things have to kind of... you know, it's the balance." – Joe Bartnik [12:08]

6. Drumming, Aging Joints, and Recovering Technique

[12:21–14:24]

• Bill shares nerdy excitement about improving his drumming technique—specifically his ability to loosen his forearm via instruction from Dave Elitch.
• Weekly soccer games against neighborhood kids reveal his waning athleticism and cautious approach post-shoulder/back injury:

  "I don't think my body lets me dive anymore... There's something else that overrides it... 'You are not diving on the fucking ground.'" – Bill Burr [14:24]

7. Health, Doctors, and Not Being Invincible

[14:28–17:36]

• Bill gets a surprisingly positive health report, especially his liver, after quitting drinking eight years ago.

  "If you stop soon enough, [the liver] can totally heal itself." – Joe Bartnik [15:03] "I'm glad that I finally went to the doctor. God knows I've lost so many friends out of nowhere because of health." – Bill Burr [16:20]

8. Observing Fast Food and American Influence Abroad

[19:07–19:34]

• Bill notes the prevalence of U.S. fast food chains worldwide and alludes to conspiracy:

  "Literally every fast food American chain that's over there just serving that... I haven't heard a word about it, which is pretty amazing to me at this point." [19:10]

9. Drumming & Led Zeppelin (Deep Dive)

[23:42–26:44]

• Bill obsesses over John Bonham’s playing, breaking down specific Led Zeppelin grooves for drum nerds.

  "If you just like, listen to that song as a drummer... if you can just block everything out and just listen to the hi hat, it's incredible." – Bill Burr [24:42]

10. The Internet: Addiction and Attempts at Moderation

[28:11–29:05]

• Bill likens his struggle with internet usage to quitting drinking, striving to become a "casual user" and describing YouTube as a rabbit hole of wasted time.

  "I'm trying to view the Internet like I looked at my drinking towards the end, where I didn't want to be doing it anymore but I'm doing it every day." – Bill Burr [28:52]

11. Nostalgia: School, Sneakers, and Seasonal Memories

[29:31–36:00]

• Bill paints a vivid, humorous picture of school days, new sneakers, and self-deprecating tales about not applying himself academically.

  "Your mother bought [your sneakers] a half size or a full size too big, depending if, you know, she was trying to gauge when your balls were going to drop..." – Bill Burr [30:42]

12. College, Sports, and American Campus Life

[31:27–34:29]

• Rant on the importance of athletics to university identity:

  "There would be no campus without sports, okay?... That money goes right back into the school, doesn't it? God knows it's not paying the players." – Bill Burr [33:12]

13. Heavy Metal Parking Lot, Tattoos, and Regrets

[38:49–57:13]

• Reflections on the heavy metal concert doc, youthful misfit experiences, and the pitfalls of getting tattoos without forethought.

  "Thank God I never got a tattoo. Thank fucking Christ." – Bill Burr [55:54]

14. Health and Parenting: Sick Kids and Single Dad Moments

[75:51–77:26]

• Bill’s approach to his young daughter having a cold—wet washcloths, humor, and being a proud, sometimes clueless, but well-meaning dad.

  "I got to be the single dad. And I gotta tell you, man, I fucking loved it." – Bill Burr [76:48]

15. Social Media and Body Image

[79:19–82:16]

• Commentary on a new French law about Photoshopped images, the pressure of social media comments, and why it’s best to just "act your age."

  "Just act your goddamn age. That’s the best way to do it... Let young people be young. Let them have their... whatever the fuck it is they’re doing." – Bill Burr [82:07]

16. Relationship Advice: ‘Fatphobia’, Personal Preference, and Workplace Flirtations

[91:30–99:51]

• Listener writes in about being called "fatphobic" at work for not dating overweight co-workers after he lost weight and got fit. Bill launches a comic rant about body standards, the right to preferences, and double standards:

  "You have the absolute 100% right to date whoever the fuck you want to date... Don't let it—this is your fucking life, dude." – Bill Burr [94:54] "You had to get on a bike, you had to climb a bunch of rocks... Now you’re in game shape, right? You’re fucking in Kobe Bryant shape. And they’re showing up like Shaq..." – Bill Burr [95:04]

• Advice: Don’t feel pressured to acquiesce to what’s not authentic.

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Memorable Quotes

• On acceptance:
  "I flip out over little things; bigger things like this, I just go like, 'All right, you know, I guess...'" – Joe Bartnik [02:41]
• On sports & embarrassment:
  "I just don't want them to see me like that… I lose my—And as I'm old enough now to realize how stupid that is to put your whole family through it. So I don't do that." – Bill Burr [10:23]
• On relationship clutter:
  "I could do yoga in any room in my house. Not that I do yoga, but I want to have the option." – Joe Bartnik [05:15]
• On aging:
  "You gotta go Sting. That's what it is. I'm telling you. You want to know how to age as a human being—look at Sting." – Bill Burr [15:47]
• On internet addiction:
  "I'm trying to view the Internet, like, the way I looked at my drinking towards the end…" – Bill Burr [28:52]

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Notable Segments with Timestamps

• Flooded Basement Story & Reaction: [00:21–04:05]
• Decluttering, Marriage, and Forced Minimalism: [04:13–05:47]
• Sports Fandom, Self-Awareness, and Parenting: [08:30–11:54]
• Drumming & Musicianship Insights: [12:21–14:24, 23:42–26:44]
• Health, Sobriety, Doctors: [14:28–17:36]
• Social Media & Body Image Law: [79:19–82:16]
• Listener Letter: Dating, Fatphobia, and Self-Respect: [91:30–99:51]

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Tone & Language

• Caustic, sharp, vulnerable, self-aware, and often cathartic.
• Frequent profanity in humorous, non-malevolent contexts; plenty of irreverence and comic exaggeration.
• Heavy use of personal anecdotes and direct addresses to listeners.

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Conclusion

This episode is a quintessential Bill Burr mix: personal disaster meets grumpy wisdom, and mundane domestic life is elevated through manic, comedic storytelling. Whether breaking down Led Zeppelin’s drumming or breaking down at the sight of water in his basement, Bill keeps it real, relatable, and riotously funny. The discussion stretches from home repairs and health scares to why he roots for sports teams in secret, pokes at diet and relationship expectations, and invites listeners to own their choices without apology. Even when commiserating about flooded basements, the message (delivered the Burr way) is simple: shit happens, keep your sense of humor, and keep moving forward.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

Hey, what's going on?

[Paul Verze]

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for.

[Bill Burr]

The Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday.

[Paul Verze]

Morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Oh, how's it going?

[Bill Burr]

How's it going over your way? It's not going so good over my way?

[Joe Bartnik]

It's not going so good at all.

[Bill Burr]

I woke up this morning, badoo, badoop. And I went to brush my teeth. So I brushed my teeth.

[Joe Bartnik]

That's fine. Cold water is fine. All homeowners are cringing right now.

[Bill Burr]

I go to turn on the hot water, it makes this weird noise like. Like that shit, like Bugs Bunny.

[Joe Bartnik]

And one water drop of water comes out. I'm like, we just fucking got the hot water tank.

[Bill Burr]

When the fuck did we get that, Donald?

[Joe Bartnik]

I don't know. Couldn't have been more than a couple years ago. So I'm like, all right, whatever. Sometimes you got to hit the reset button. I don't know. It's kind of weird that no water's coming out. It's not like it wasn't hot, there was no water. So I'm like, huh, that's weird. So I go downstairs. It's like 6:30 in the morning. I'm trying to knock out this podcast right here that you're listening to, to, you know, before my kids get up. So I go downstairs, and the door down to the basement has like, windows, and they're all fogged up, and there's this weird smell in the house. And I'm like, oh no. Oh no. We just had work done in the house. We just got back and I open the door and I just heard the.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking sound of water. I go downstairs two inches deep, rugs.

[Joe Bartnik]

Gone, floors gone, kids toys gone. All of this shit.

[Bill Burr]

So then it's like 6:30, I'm still.

[Joe Bartnik]

In my pajamas, in slippers, standing in water, and I'm like, where the fuck is the main water?

[Bill Burr]

Shut up. And it's already been.

[Joe Bartnik]

I mean, the thing bursted.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking the what?

[Joe Bartnik]

Damage was already done. So I was happy as a man that I at least knew exactly where it was.

[Bill Burr]

So I ran outside the house, slippers.

[Joe Bartnik]

Squishing, and I shut off the water, and I just. And I shut off the water. And that was just it. And I just. I mean, it had been going for hours. Everything that was on the ground was just done. And I just said.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Joe Bartnik]

Like I said, I flip out over little things, bigger things like this. I just go like, all right, you know, I guess. I guess.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah, you know, I Guess I guess that happened. So.

[Joe Bartnik]

So I'm guessing.

[Bill Burr]

The very least.

[Joe Bartnik]

I. I need a whole new floor down there. I need all the, the. The molding around the wall.

[Bill Burr]

Halloween, Christmas.

[Joe Bartnik]

Decorations, you know, it's just like that older toys, I don't know. You know, you know, what are you going to do? What are you gonna do? I mean, you know, shit happens.

[Bill Burr]

Shit happens.

[Paul Verze]

So, you know, it's an opportunity. This is what I. What I try to do with the new thing. This is just an opportunity.

[Bill Burr]

To get a new floor that we didn't need.

[Paul Verze]

You know, and now, now we get to get this new floor.

[Joe Bartnik]

And I'm very.

[Bill Burr]

This, I mean, this is new me. I'm very thankful.

[Joe Bartnik]

Very, very thankful. Whatever. What are you gonna do?

[Bill Burr]

It's the balance of the universe, right? You get one thing fixed, something else has to break.

[Joe Bartnik]

It's kinda.

[Bill Burr]

How that works.

[Joe Bartnik]

You know, I gotta admit we had a bunch of clutter down there and I've been saying we gotta like. I don't like that we have to throw most of it out because I like giving away. You know, we've gradually been coming towards the way that I want to live. Which the way I want to live is I could do yoga in any room in my house. Not that I do yoga, but I want to have the option to be able to stretch because I'm old in any. I need flow, feng shui, whatever the they call it. So that's a hard thing to have when you live with a woman because they're. They just buy. And they're nesting and they're always like, I don't know, it's like I. I don't know. I shouldn't put this on. On females but like just the chaos. I finally to put my foot down. It's like I am so sick of having to move to get to the.

[Bill Burr]

Do you understand what I mean?

[Joe Bartnik]

Like, can we stop putting shit in front of doors?

[Bill Burr]

This door leads outside.

[Paul Verze]

Why. Why do I have to move all.

[Joe Bartnik]

Of this shit out of the fucking way? That that has been. Believe me, that has been a. That has been a debate. A debate. One more time for effect. A debate. But anyway, everything else in my life is fucking great, you know. Can't complain. I flew yesterday. I flew out. You know, it's funny, I got up there and as I go to pull in, I always look at the flag and the flag was like sort of drooping and then going straight out and then drooping and I'm like, ah. So that it gusting, you know, if it Was straight out anyways, I wouldn't have flown. But like, worse than just straight out high winds. When you fly some, a lightweight helicopter like mine is, if you see the flag go straight out and then come half go straight out and then be drooping. Now you have gusts, and that's just no fun to fly in. So I was like, all right, you know what? I'll just wash her pre flighter and I'll ride around the airport on. On the motorcycle, right? And when I was there, all of a sudden, like the wind died down over like an hour, and I was like, all right, so what I always do is like, I'll be like, I'll just fly the pattern. I'll see how it is when I get up there. And if it's, you know, too bumpy a ride, something I don't want to deal with, I'll. I won't go. You know what I mean? I'm not trying to be a fucking hero. So ended up going over there, you know, cleaning her up, and then I. I took around the pattern and it was fine.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Joe Bartnik]

You know, I flew out Santa Monica, you know, all over that area and everything, up to like, Santa Paula. It was a beautiful flight and felt good to get back out there doing that and then riding the Harley too. I love that bike. I really love it. And I love doing both of those things because I'm a scatterbrained lunatic. And when I do those things, the level of focus I have to have, it just makes everything go away until I get back in my car and then it starts back up again. But I always, like, one of the few times my brain shuts off is when I'm doing those two activities or if I'm smoking a cigar, which I don't really do anymore, which I'm really happy about. You know, I smoked one in Bahrain after me and Josh did our show. And I just made a rule in my head. I was like, you know what? I can't have a cigar again for at least 10 days. Because I know 10 days is right where I stopped giving a fuck about it. And then I think, like, this is stupid. Why am I doing this? All right, I'll tell you what isn't stupid.

[Bill Burr]

The Red Sox, Yankees in the playoffs.

[Joe Bartnik]

And exciting game yesterday. Yankees won in overtime. So now we get to go to a fucking, you know, we get to have game seven energy over a game three. Really proud of the Red Sox, you know, big time underdog, super young team, still somehow made the playoffs, traded away, you know, a Hall of Famer, it looks like, under the age of 30, and somehow became a better team.

[Bill Burr]

Going up against the Yankees, who I guess, you know, we're underdogs, but I feel.

[Joe Bartnik]

Like we weren't that much worse than they were. They had, like, some injuries or whatever, but we were chasing them the whole year. I think we were ahead of them, like, for like three days. But.

[Bill Burr]

I have peeked in a little.

[Joe Bartnik]

Bit, but I don't get emotionally involved in the game because I have kids. And I'll just be honest with you, I just don't want them to see me like that. So I have not. I have not been watching it. I've been paying attention to it. That's the best I'll do. Like, I just started doing that, like when the Celtics went to the NBA Finals against. Was it Dallas? Yeah. And I was just like, I am not. I'm not going to put my kids through this. And we ended up sweeping them and I've still yet to see a second of it. I am happy that they won and all of that type of stuff, but I am going to just wait till my kids grow up and get out of the house again before I will watch.

[Bill Burr]

I think I could handle a Patriots.

[Joe Bartnik]

Playoff game, you know, just because of where we are right now and we're.

[Bill Burr]

Starting to turn it around.

[Joe Bartnik]

It's like, exciting to watch them, but, like, I can't.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know what it is.

[Joe Bartnik]

Those other ones, I just can't handle, you know, I can't handle watching. I don't know what it is. I literally. I just. I lose my. And as. As I'm old enough now to realize how stupid that is to put your whole family through it. So I don't do that. Anyway, so that's my.

[Bill Burr]

That is my world right now. But I want to go see that.

[Joe Bartnik]

New Paul Thomas Anderson movie that Leonardo DiCaprio is in that I. Someone was. Told me was like the best movie they've seen in years. So I got all these plumbers and all of these people coming over here today. So me, maybe me and my wife can get out of the house. I can go check that out. I heard it was heard. It was amazing. Yeah, dude. Everything broke down this week. My truck. I don't know what happened. I was driving and I was hearing this rattling sound. I thought it was the gas cap. So I was driving down the streets and I was like, grabbing on the gas cap to hear if, like, the, like the internal mechanism of it was like, rattling, because that's what it Sounded like. Then I'm like, that sounds like a lug nut. And then I pulled over it and I was missing a lug nut. And I go, you know, why didn't I think of that like two miles ago? So then I get back in my truck, I drive down the street, I still hear the rattling. So then my side view mirror just decided it didn't want to do the job anymore. You know, you can adjust it, but the second you start it up, the, you know, the vibration of the engine, it just slowly starts looking down at the ground.

[Paul Verze]

So I'm like, all right, I get.

[Bill Burr]

It, I get it. My life is awesome right now. So these, these other things have to kind of, you know, I did my last road gigs of the year.

[Joe Bartnik]

I could just fucking chill, be with my family.

[Bill Burr]

I'm happy. So what does the universe say? All right, well then, you know, here's a flooded basement, your truck's gonna break down. It's just like, all right, all right, I don't.

[Joe Bartnik]

What, what are you gonna do? I don't give a. Anyway, plowing ahead here. I have been playing a shitload of drums lately. And specifically I've told you I was working on like the one handed, like 16th note things and. And these songs that I used to play to where my arm literally felt like it was going to fall off. Two things. It doesn't feel that way anymore. And now with the information my drum teacher Dave Elitch gave me.

[Bill Burr]

I can.

[Joe Bartnik]

Now like feel my forearm if it gets tightened up. And I just focus on my technique, make it more my wrist. And then all of that tightness in my forearm, I'm able to recover while still playing to the song. I know this is some drum nerd, but I don't know, been excited about that. And then lastly, I've been getting involved in this soccer game every week down at the. This park that's nearby where I live. Started just sort of innocently and next thing you know, it just became like 4 or 5 dads against like 9 kids. I gotta tell you, I cannot believe how much mobility I have lost. Like, I was playing goal and there was that I could have saved. Like, I used to know how to dive and save a ball. Like, I don't think I. I can. I don't think my body like, like it blocks when. When I tell my body to do it. There's something else that overrides it. It's just like, no, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. This is, this is not happening. You Are not. You are not diving on the fucking ground. You just fixed your shoulders. Your back feels good. The sciatic nerve issue is over. You're not fucking doing this shit, you.

[Paul Verze]

Know, you just went to the hot doctor.

[Joe Bartnik]

Oh, Billy's ticker's looking good. You know, everything looks pretty good. Outstanding for my age, but my age is just pretty good, so. My liver willis was great, though. I haven't drank in eight years, and the guy said the last. Because I know I'm a guy. I go to the doctor like, once every president, and he said, last time, you know, you had a fatty liver. I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

My liver must have looked like Kobe beef last time I was here.

[Joe Bartnik]

But what's funny was the last time I was there was 20, 21. So I had quit drinking three years. So what's amazing is now that's what's great about your liver. If you stop soon enough, it can totally heal itself. But, like, it's. It took, like, seven years. Well, maybe it didn't. I mean, I hadn't gone in the last four years, but I was kind of excited about that. And then he was telling me, he said, at your age, he's like, lean and mean is the way to go. And I'm like, yeah, you know, I'm.

[Bill Burr]

A kid of the 80s. I got to lift weights.

[Joe Bartnik]

I got to do that. So I think I'm just going to add some. I'm just going to add the. The stretching, and I already do that anyways. But I'm going to do the yoga thing.

[Bill Burr]

You got to go sting. That's what it is. I'm telling you. You want to know how to age as a human being.

[Joe Bartnik]

Just look at Sting.

[Bill Burr]

Sting does yoga. I'm sure he drinks a chalice of.

[Joe Bartnik]

Wine, but, like, I don't know if he still drinks. But, like, the two biggest things, if.

[Bill Burr]

You quit drinking, because I've noticed, at least with my people, Caucasians, whitey, I've noticed that if you don't quit drinking around 47, 48, right where I did.

[Joe Bartnik]

And you just keep on a regular basis drinking booze.

[Bill Burr]

One, you're happy. That's the side of addiction they don't talk about.

[Joe Bartnik]

You know what I mean? That sort of, like, on the spectrum of addiction, just continuing to do it, having a problem. But you're not, like, you know, sucking dick outside of a bus station. It doesn't get that bad, but you're definitely. Whatever. But I'm just saying, like, I've noticed with my people that your face Turns red. Somewhere around there you start getting like Tip o' Neil face. And if you're really going, then you get like the gin blossom nose. You start looking like WC Field. So I think I did a good thing with that. I should probably drink more water, but anyway, I don't know. I'm kind of. I am glad that I finally went to the doctor. God knows I've lost so many friends out of nowhere because of health. So I've said this a million times. I'm going to start going on a regular basis. Like, I've never had a primary care physician in my life. Even when I was a kid, you know, when I grew up, like your primary care physician were your parents. And in my generations, it was just.

[Bill Burr]

Like, yeah, you're fine, you're fine.

[Joe Bartnik]

Yeah, this, this, you're good. Like one time I had an appendicitis.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know, I forget if I.

[Joe Bartnik]

Told you guys this story.

[Bill Burr]

I had an appendicitis and my parents were, ah, you know, it's a stomachache.

[Joe Bartnik]

Yeah, you're fine.

[Paul Verze]

I think you, I think you're all right.

[Joe Bartnik]

And then it, it escalated and then it became a ruptured appendix and. And then finally like, all right, I mean, you know, let's take you over to the hospital. And then he went over.

[Bill Burr]

They're like, Jesus Christ.

[Joe Bartnik]

So that's how I grew up.

[Bill Burr]

So I, I gotta get better at this.

[Joe Bartnik]

And it's like, I'm not living for myself anymore. I got, I'm saying, because I have to do, I got to do this.

[Bill Burr]

I got to start going to a.

[Joe Bartnik]

Doctor on a regular basis. I got to get the full body scan. You know what I mean? I just have to understand at this point that I'm like the old reliable car. And I got to change the oil every 1500 miles, not every 3000 miles. And my job is to, I gotta, you know, I gotta, I gotta fucking stay in shape here. So. But I don't know, overall, I was psyched with what I saw because I haven't eaten the fast food. That was the, the number one thing I, when I saw when I was over in Saudi Arabia, dude, the level of fast. It was every, literally every fast food American chain that's over there, it's just serving that.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, Jesus Christ.

[Joe Bartnik]

I don't know how they pulled off those deals, but I can tell you this. I haven't heard a word about it, which is pretty amazing to me at this point. That not one word was spoken about that is pretty amazing. Wink, wink, Nudge, nudge. Anyway, plowing ahead here. Let me do the. Let me do the. The reeds here. I think I got one read.

[Bill Burr]

One read or another.

[Paul Verze]

Oh.

[Bill Burr]

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[Joe Bartnik]

Wait.

[Bill Burr]

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[Joe Bartnik]

Okay. And with that.

[Bill Burr]

I have to go deal with a wet vac and try to save a rug that I know.

[Joe Bartnik]

I can't save anymore. Who gives a fuck, right? I swear to God. You know, as much as I love my house, there's a part of me this wants to rent a skid steer and just fucking bulldoze all of this shit that I have in my house. I don't know why. You guys gonna watch Thursday Night Football tonight? For some reason, I like the 49ers. I remember last year hearing when they only have four days to prep, they have a really simple game plan. Are they playing the Eagles? I think that that's what it is. And as much as the Eagles look great, I just feel like they're gonna have a simple game plan. And I thought the spread was seven and a half, so I like that. Half a point. That's what I'm going with. That's what I'm doing to battle all of this I'm dealing with at home. Anyway, I'll do that. I'll go see a movie. Oh, speaking of that, if you guys.

[Bill Burr]

Know any more.

[Joe Bartnik]

Arab movies, you know, I watched that one on the way. On the way back on the flight, and I was really blown away. As much as it was a sad story and everything, it was, I don't know, a whole new group of actors that I could become a fan of. You know, it'd be another rabbit hole that I can fucking go down and not deal with my childhood trauma. Just a nice distraction.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, I already did a bit. I was going. I should have done a bit. I already did a bit about that. Wow, Bill, you have so many interests. No, just sad.

[Joe Bartnik]

Anyway.

[Bill Burr]

What else? Yeah, that's.

[Joe Bartnik]

I'm not going to drag this out for another five minutes. I'm. I'm. My brain is not here right now. I. I have water in the basement, which is. Which is fantastic.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Joe Bartnik]

This is just an opportunity to. To.

[Bill Burr]

To keep a stiff upper lip.

[Joe Bartnik]

I'm gonna go play some drums.

[Bill Burr]

You know what? I've been.

[Joe Bartnik]

Okay, let's talk some drums. You know what I've been with that I've. I've just shied away from forever because it just was so weird to try and play. It was Led Zeppelin, rock and roll with that left hand on the snare drum. It is the weirdest. It's the weirdest thing, like, I've ever tried to play as far as, like. It's just something I never do. You're playing, like, accented eighth notes. I think that's what he's doing. And then you're. You're playing eighth notes with the accented eighth notes on the hi hat accenting.

[Bill Burr]

On two and four.

[Joe Bartnik]

And then he's throwing in, like, almost like bebop fills.

[Bill Burr]

When he doesn't stop.

[Joe Bartnik]

The thing while keeping the right hand on the hi hat going and keeping that whole groove. Like, if you just, like, listen to that song as a drummer, if you can just block everything out and just.

[Bill Burr]

Listen to the hi hat, like, whatever.

[Joe Bartnik]

He'S doing on it is just.

[Bill Burr]

It's incredible.

[Joe Bartnik]

And it's totally been like. I've kind of been obsessing on it.

[Bill Burr]

I used to obsess about like how.

[Joe Bartnik]

Does he play the intro and the end of the song. And the intro was just the story of it was. It was actually from. It was a little. Little Richard drummer. I forget the song. But the guy had done something like that to start the song. So Bonham was a fan of all of that. So he was around playing that and then Jimmy was like what's that?

[Bill Burr]

We should use that?

[Joe Bartnik]

And they just used it as a, as a intro to the song. And it's like N4. N1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and one and two and three and four and. And. And it's three and four and boom. And you're in. And I was doing that for like an hour yesterday, grinning ear to ear to finally at least know how to count it. It's like a long time ago, like trying to play along to end my time of dying. And I finally saw this drummer, Brian Tischy broke it down, was saying that this is just all for drummers here on out that the end of the song, the beginning of that song in my time of dying, why it's so fucked up is because it's in four. But it's not in. It's not locked in on four. I. I forget what the musical term is for that. One of my siblings told me that in classical music there's a word for that. So he counts it. It's like 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 1 and 2 and da da da da da da da da da. So it's all about 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 1 and 2 and. And then you gotta go 3 and 4. 1, 2, 3, 4. That's how you count it.

[Bill Burr]

So that last bit of guitar is.

[Joe Bartnik]

Stopping on the end of two and then you have to kind of almost be humming the song when you count 34 to cuz Jimmy is not playing the tempo of the song. It's like sort of like on purpose. Out of time in time. It's really wild and it makes my day. It makes my day when I actually nail it. And I used to be. I was doing it a lot and I got it down right. I one time I played it and I came in at the right time on all of them. Then of course the rest of the song went off the rails. But I was able to do that. But if you're like A dad drummer like me. And you're into doing like that. I know you've been trying to play to songs like that since you were, like, a teenager. It's kind of an exciting thing that. You know, one of the good things about the Internet, which I have been off of, like, I said, I've been off the Internet for, like, the last. Close to a month other than my duolingo, and. And then like, the last couple of days. So I gave into like, well, I'm not on Instagram, and I just started death scrolling on YouTube. And I'm like, within two days, it ramped right back up again to where I was before, just, like, consuming my life. And I don't know, I couldn't read when I was on the flight over to Qatar and back, for whatever reason, I was just. I think I was just nervous on the way over and then elated to be a part of that positive experience for those people over there. And the. A small part, I should say, and to put it in proper perspective, but I don't know, I kind of got away and I went right back to that again. It's just like, I don't know, I'm trying to view the Internet, like, the way I looked at my drinking towards the end, where it was just like, I don't want to be doing this anymore, but I'm doing it every day. So I'm gonna try to be a casual, casual user of the Internet. I was kind of worried, as being a comedian, that if I didn't interact with the Internet, that I wouldn't be able to interact with people. But, like, I've been walking down the street and talking to people, and it's.

[Bill Burr]

Still going pretty good. All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October. October 2nd. Oh, my God. Get out your barracuda, dude.

[Paul Verze]

It's the fucking fall. It's officially the fall. Isn't it lovely, huh?

[Bill Burr]

The leaves turning different colors and falling off the trees and crunching under your feet. Halloween comes and then Thanksgiving, and it'll be a good 75, 80 degrees with whatever, the oceans rising or whatever. It's gonna be very interesting. It's gonna be very interesting falls, I feel, coming up. Oh, do you feel it, Bill? Was this your own idea? Did you stick your head out the window and assess it, or did you listen to a bunch of. On tv? All right, you got me. You got me. But it is the fall.

[Paul Verze]

The fall is one of my favorite seasons.

[Bill Burr]

What I loved about the fall was the beginning of the school year. And I absolutely loved school. I just. When I was a child, I just, I craved knowledge. I don't know what it was.

[Joe Bartnik]

I. Of course the other kids wanted to go outside and play and engage in.

[Bill Burr]

Contests of sport, but not me. Now I just wanted to curl up in the corner. Just couldn't, just. My mother just couldn't get me enough books.

[Joe Bartnik]

I know I was obviously a non truth.

[Bill Burr]

None of that was true. What I liked about the fall was I got new clothes for school. You know, which back then was you got your hand me downs from your brother and you got a new pair of sneakers. All right? And they were new until that first time it fucking rained or something happened and then they would just, you know, that was it. And those were your sneakers for a year. You wore sneakers for a year. Your mother bought them like a half size or a full size too big, depending if, you know, she was trying to gauge, you know, when your balls were going to drop considering how big your feet were going to be. Right? It was one of those, you know, one of those things. Back then there was like nine grades all in one class.

[Joe Bartnik]

Now I'm fucking with you.

[Bill Burr]

I like the new sneakers and the new clothes, whatever hand me down shit.

[Joe Bartnik]

That I got from my older brother.

[Bill Burr]

And then, and then it was football. And then also was starting to get cold, so I didn't have to deal with any more.

[Paul Verze]

Dude, look how white your fucking legs are.

[Bill Burr]

I didn't have to deal with that with the summer. I didn't have to deal with sunburns. I liked it. I was more of a fucking winter guy.

[Joe Bartnik]

But other than that, everything else sucked. I fucking.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, God. 180 days of school to go. Can you believe that? You used to think that that was hard. And you actually used to fuck up in school if you were like me. I always look back, it's just like, why don't I just come home? Why don't I just pay attention, come home and just do my homework. I could have gone to like a really good college. Like, and to me, a good college is. It has, it has a sports program that I can follow. It's division one. And you know, they battle for fucking at least to win their conference.

[Paul Verze]

You know what I mean?

[Bill Burr]

I don't fucking, I don't know. I don't fucking like these colleges you go to where everybody is. I don't know what it is. Like, take Vanderbilt in the sec, by the way, who played a hell of a fucking game this weekend, right? Scared the shit out of Florida. I always thought that, you know, I always. I always assumed that that school sucked because their football team was no good for so long. Now they're actually halfway decent. But I judge schools by how good their sports program is. And, you know, there's a lot of people on real sports or one of those shows that, you know, everybody wears suits and for some reason they have.

[Joe Bartnik]

A pen, but they're never really writing.

[Bill Burr]

You know those shows that take it really ser. Seriously and they're like, what does that say? What does it say about the educational system that people judge a school by their sports programs? Well, know this, you fucking pencil pushing nerd. There would be no campus without sports, okay?

[Paul Verze]

Hundred thousand fucking freckled drunks like me fill a stadium.

[Bill Burr]

That money goes right back into the school, doesn't it? God knows it's not paying the players, all right? And that's why when you go to the University of Michigan, it's its own fucking city. It's not because of the science department or the engineers that know how to build the buildings. It's because of big Blue down the fucking street pulling. What are they pulling? 100, 400, 500, 10,000 people a goddamn game. That's what pays for it, you know? Even if it's not all that money, the level of attention and that makes people all around the world, you know? Know that song, Hail to the victors, Valiant. Hail to the victors. Fucking get on a raft, get over here and go to that school.

[Paul Verze]

Right?

[Bill Burr]

Isn't that how it goes? I don't know.

[Joe Bartnik]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

What the fuck was I talking about? Why I like the fall?

[Paul Verze]

Yeah, I just.

[Bill Burr]

What a fuck, didn't I study? So stupid. I can't believe. I can't imagine, if I actually understood calculus, what my world would be like right now. But I just took the time to fuck. I mean, it's not like they just dumped it all on you the first day. I forget when I stopped paying attention. Somewhere around seventh grade, I just was.

[Joe Bartnik]

Like, I'm just not into this. Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

I could have studied and then I could do one of those extracurricular things and got like a scholarship, you know, participated in a bunch of other shit. Then I would have had that all fleshed out. I see you're on the debating team, you're on the swimming team and all that shit. Remember those fucking kids? The kid next to you, his locker was like, neat. You know, and it wasn't all dented and shit. Fucking always had his homework. Wore like sweaters, you know, you just be looking at them like how the does this person is like my age and they have their. That together.

[Joe Bartnik]

I always had a thousand papers falling out of my. It just was a mess. And every year I'd be like, okay, this is year. I'm gonna study, I'm gonna fucking.

[Bill Burr]

I'm not drawing all over my books. I'm gonna pay attention. I'm gonna try to get all A's and B's. That's all. That's all I wanted to do.

[Joe Bartnik]

And I just.

[Bill Burr]

I couldn't do it.

[Paul Verze]

I put up a good fight through about.

[Bill Burr]

I get to. About September 10th, then I get like that first fucking C, C, C, what's that? What's that a reference to? Speaking of movie lines. C, C, C. Was it summer rental or summer school? Is that what it was? The guy who's been on TV for 40 years but never does interviews, so people kind of. Mark Harmon, Is that his name? Who's that guy? Like Chainsaw or some shit. Then of course they made the Latino girl pregnant. Because you could still do that back then. Can't do that now. You get called out on it. They would never do that now. Now they would make the white guy pregnant to show that they're progressive. That's how it would work. You know what I mean? There's nothing wrong with having a Latina woman be pregnant. But when she's the only Latino in the fucking movie, that's when it becomes a problem. Oh, so she's going to summer school and she's knocked up and she's dressed like fucking zebra man in Heavy Metal Parking Lot. Do you know I'd never seen that. I thought that was an entire fucking movie.

[Joe Bartnik]

And I. For years I was like, I gotta.

[Bill Burr]

Get around to watching Heavy Metal Parking Lot. I never fucking saw it. And finally somebody referenced it again.

[Paul Verze]

Oh, I know why.

[Bill Burr]

Dean Del Rey from the Let There Be Talk All Things Comedy Network podcast, he sent me a link and one of. One of Judas Priest's guitarist, who. That was K.K. downing and Glenn Tipton.

[Joe Bartnik]

I think it's Glenn Tipton.

[Bill Burr]

He bought.

[Joe Bartnik]

I hope I'm saying his name right.

[Bill Burr]

He bought a Porsche in 1985 or 86. He went to the Factory when he was on tour. And that's back when they made him.

[Joe Bartnik]

It was hand built.

[Bill Burr]

None of this robot shit, none of this outsourcing it to fucking whatever the.

[Joe Bartnik]

Fuck they do it now. They were hand built, okay, by the.

[Bill Burr]

Same people that brought you audio tape.

[Joe Bartnik]

In World War I and World War II.

[Bill Burr]

All right? It was fucking.

[Joe Bartnik]

They were hand fucking built.

[Bill Burr]

That's right. The same people that brought you Oktoberfest and the Holocaust, you know what I mean? They're all over the map over there. That's why Germany's still such a scary country. It's like, what's gonna happen over here? Are we all gonna drink beers and get shitfaced? Or are you guys gonna try to take over the world again? You know, that's what's on their weather channel as they monitor all the psychos over there. What is the general population planning right now? Or possibly a small motivated people within Deutschland.

[Joe Bartnik]

So anyways.

[Bill Burr]

I had never seen Heavy Metal Parking Lot. I thought it was a full movie. So I sit down to watch it right out of the gate.

[Joe Bartnik]

I love it because the concerts at.

[Bill Burr]

The Cap center and that's where I.

[Joe Bartnik]

Used to watch the, you know, whatever the Bruins used to play when they'd.

[Bill Burr]

Go down and play the Capitals. And they had Rod Langway, who looked.

[Joe Bartnik]

Like my math teacher back in the day.

[Bill Burr]

Man, my math teacher was a dead fucking ringer.

[Joe Bartnik]

Flunked his class two fucking years in a row.

[Bill Burr]

It was two summers I'll never get back. Actually, my senior year, I didn't fucking go to summer school. I was like, well, what's the point?

[Joe Bartnik]

I can't get into a school that.

[Bill Burr]

Has a good foot, you know, football.

[Joe Bartnik]

Program, a basketball program.

[Bill Burr]

They don't have no sports there. So fuck it.

[Joe Bartnik]

Anyways. What the fuck am I talking about? Yes, I'm watching this thing. So they had the cap setter, which.

[Bill Burr]

I never really saw what it looked like because I never really showed the.

[Joe Bartnik]

Outside that I could remember.

[Bill Burr]

There'd be the Bruins tonight in the Cap Center. Barry Peterson leading the league with 40 something goals. That great year he had, and we.

[Joe Bartnik]

Traded him, I believe. So I go to watch this fucking.

[Bill Burr]

Thing and I gotta be honest with you, like the memories that came flying back. First of all, my first concert ever was Judas Priest with Dawkin opening up. Of course it was Dawkin. They fucking opened for everybody. They opened for everybody in Tesla. Open for fucking. And Cinderella opened for fucking everybody. That was my first on the Turbo Lover tour, right? And I guess I found out all these years later that that Judas Priest guy, Glenn Tipton or whatever, bought a fucking Porsche that was a Turbo. And he loved it so much that he fucking, you know, was inspired to write a song and then Rob Halford took it in whatever direction he wanted.

[Joe Bartnik]

To take it in.

[Bill Burr]

You know, nobody remember that song, I'm your turbo Lover. Made no sense, right?

[Joe Bartnik]

You won't see me sometime but you'll feel me.

[Bill Burr]

All that crazy music, right?

[Joe Bartnik]

I saw them on that tour. So anyway, so I watched that heavy metal parking lot and.

[Bill Burr]

It was fucking great.

[Joe Bartnik]

That's exactly.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, whoever fucking filmed that.

[Joe Bartnik]

I know I'm way, way, way past the whole. Everybody knows it by now, whoever filmed that thing.

[Bill Burr]

Thank you so much for filming that. Dude. The first time I ever saw anybody do blow, I went to an AC DC concert.

[Joe Bartnik]

I remember I pull up my big.

[Bill Burr]

Stupid red fucking hair, right? You know, and I can't grow it long.

[Joe Bartnik]

My hair just grew out. So I. I was like, I missed it, man.

[Bill Burr]

I should have come up in the 70s. I would have been fine. Would have been rocking that Bernie from room 222. But, you know, everybody kind of had their, you know, I don't know what the. It was in the 80s, wasn't short, but it wasn't long. It was right before the mullets. Feathered. Everything was feathered. Farrah Fawcett was so hot. Even the guys tried to have their hair like hers, right? That's what was going on. And me, I was just like, you know, I was a man without a fucking country. So I would pull up, you know, not a whisker on my face, I would fucking pull up my stupid fucking looking like. I swear to God, looking like a giant Opie tailor. And I was totally into the music, but I just look like a fucking freak, you know, I should have grown my. Oh, actually I couldn't grow my hair. I should at least gone the Malachi.

[Joe Bartnik]

Route and just been drunk enough and.

[Bill Burr]

Just got out of the car and screamed outlander. And then everybody would left me alone. I remember I pulled up to the AC DC thing and this fucking guy was doing blow. I think he had a Toyota pickup truck rusted out. Of course, back then, everything fucking rusted out, especially the Toyota hunks of shit. But the engines would never die, right? You'd be driving down the street, you could literally see the fucking engine still working. So this guy gets out of the car and I'm like looking at him like, I know we like the same kind of music, but we are not the same person. I remember he was fucking. He had this blonde hair look like he cut his own hair. It was like a fucked up page boy haircut and like a perm all at the same time. And like, he turned around to do the line and then fucking came right up to my window as I pulled up. Looking like a fucking.

[Joe Bartnik]

I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

I felt like I was in one of those zoos where the animals aren't in a cage, you know?

[Joe Bartnik]

He just came up and he just was like, yeah.

[Bill Burr]

And I was kind of like, hey, man. Fortunately, I was with somebody else. I think that we were listening to who Made who at a very respectable volume. Yeah, that was a who Made who one. And Loudness opened up a Japanese heavy metal band. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here. Let's get into the podcast. I'm just sort of meandering here.

[Paul Verze]

Why don't we talk a little bit of NFL football?

[Bill Burr]

We got to talk college first. All right, so what I watched, I watched Texas Tech against Oklahoma State. What a fucking great game that was. And what an atmosphere out there in Lubbock, Texas. I got to go to a Texas Tech game, man. So I was actually out there. I was looking up theaters to see.

[Joe Bartnik]

If they had a little theater I could play maybe next year or whatever.

[Bill Burr]

During football season, you know, anybody can go to Dallas, right? I've already been to Texas A and M, and I've been to the Texas Longhorns. The next big program is Texas Tech, right? Of course they'll give you shit at Baylor smu. They never recovered from the fucking death penalty. But what else they got out there? I think that's it. So.

[Joe Bartnik]

I was rooting for Texas Tech because I just. Just because they were the underdog, but it was such a fucking great game. And I was flipping back and forth. You know, my adopted college team, lsu.

[Bill Burr]

Fucking Tigers, you know, we lost again, but, you know, we lost to the.

[Joe Bartnik]

Trojans, so that's okay. You know, that's how I say it to people.

[Bill Burr]

You know, we lost this week to the Trojans. I thought USC lost, too. Oh, they did. I was talking about the Troy Trojans from the very formidable Sunbelt Conference. I was embarrassed. As a new LSU fan. I became an LSU fan about nine years ago, and as a adopted team, to see all those fucking people leave. The fucking stadium emptied out with eight minutes to go. All right, granted, they needed three scores, but I didn't like that at all.

[Joe Bartnik]

I hate seeing that. And then I was at that point just rooting that they came back and.

[Bill Burr]

Won just so all those fucking cunts.

[Joe Bartnik]

Would have to lie on Monday and say that they.

[Bill Burr]

They were part of the 40 people.

[Joe Bartnik]

That still stuck around.

[Bill Burr]

But I'm trying to think what was worse, watching LSU lose to Troy or the Troy Trojans helmets, you know? You know, everything has to look like fucking. I don't know. You know that. You know that. That awful candy at movie theaters. Like, they only sell it at movie theaters.

[Joe Bartnik]

Whatever those fucking things are. I don't mean gummy bears.

[Bill Burr]

Do you have a good friend of.

[Joe Bartnik]

Mine that loves gummy bears? Guy friend.

[Bill Burr]

It just.

[Joe Bartnik]

I don't know, it just.

[Bill Burr]

It almost fucks up our friendship, you know, like when he's kind of bugging me, whatever. I just kind of think every once.

[Joe Bartnik]

In a while, guy likes gummy bears. Oh, dude.

[Bill Burr]

I love going to movies, you know.

[Joe Bartnik]

I love going to movies. I take my kids, you know, get.

[Bill Burr]

A box of gummy bears. Gummy Bears? Yeah, the fucking Oregon Ducks. All right. Those green and yellow cunts, they it up for everybody. They were the first ones to put the disco ball in their head, and now everybody's doing it.

[Paul Verze]

I'm calling it right now.

[Bill Burr]

Those fucking things are gonna look. They're gonna look ridiculous in years to come. People be like, what in the. Is that electric? Is that thing like plugged in or some shit? Some of them are cool, I guess. I don't know what. But I love how the MLB this.

[Joe Bartnik]

Year, they went back to the, like.

[Bill Burr]

They went to like this non gloss matte color on the batting helmets. They look fucking mean as hell, man. Mean as hell, man.

[Joe Bartnik]

So anyways, that's what the fuck I watched. And then I watched pro football today. Oh, jeez.

[Bill Burr]

The New England Patriots with their second loss of the year. Part of me enjoys that they lost twice because it keeps all the fucking pray. It'd be nice to have a nice fucking anticipation free season, you know? And when you're 2 and 2, God knows nobody's fucking looking at you now. How about that defense, huh? The fuck I'll tell you.

[Paul Verze]

I'll tell you right now, if you want to score 30 points, you got to go to New England.

[Bill Burr]

I'm trying to.

[Joe Bartnik]

I should look this up.

[Bill Burr]

Like, we gave up. I think we gave up 75 points in the first two games, and then we added another 30 today. Is that what happened?

[Joe Bartnik]

Let's look at the Patriots here.

[Bill Burr]

Let's look at the sad, sad tale. And I can't figure out what the fuck is going on. I mean, how many yards have we given up this year on just like blown coverages? That fucking fake screen pass. Like the entire defense on that side bites on it, you know, if we look at our corners and our Safeties, it's still Butler, Chung, McCourty. Those guys have been playing together for years. I don't know how long we've had the Gilmore guy, but I like that guy. That guy hits hard, he knocks somebody out of the game.

[Joe Bartnik]

He had another good hit.

[Bill Burr]

He had a bullshit hands to the face and then a brutal one.

[Joe Bartnik]

But we shouldn't have been in that.

[Bill Burr]

Situation to begin with. But our offense is fine. Mean, of course, I would love if our offensive line could give him a little Brady, a little more time.

[Joe Bartnik]

He's definitely taken too many hits, but.

[Bill Burr]

We'Re still scoring points. But our defense, Jesus Christ. Not really stopping the run, not really getting pressure on the quarterback. Blown fucking coverages. But I just feel like the blown coverages, that's something that, you know, Matt Patricia can work on, right? He can get those guys like three of the four of them. It's just like you guys won a fucking super bowl last year. I'm not. I don't know all the Patriots, so.

[Joe Bartnik]

I don't know when Gilmore got on the fucking team.

[Bill Burr]

All right, let's look at Patriots here, patriots dot com.

[Joe Bartnik]

I should have gone schedule, right? Is that what I should have done? This is going to take for fucking ever. Patriot schedule. All right, here we go.

[Bill Burr]

Patriot schedule.

[Joe Bartnik]

They're going to go download the schedule. What?

[Bill Burr]

Okay, so we let up 42 points the first week, then we were on the road, only let up 20. Then we let up 33 and we let up 33 again.

[Joe Bartnik]

Those are all at fucking no. Two of those were home.

[Bill Burr]

Three of those were home. Jesus fucking Christ. All right, 33, 36, 42, I think, I don't know, just to glance at those numbers. Wait, 33, 33, 42, 20. Thank God for the 20. All right, 42 and 20 is 62, so that's 31. So we're averaging like, I don't know, 30, I guess, 32 points a fucking game. Yeah.

[Paul Verze]

I tell you right now, you're not going to go far in the playoffs.

[Bill Burr]

By the way, my fucking football pick came in. I called it. The fucking Giants getting three against Tampa Bay. Dude, I called it. I told you. Granted, the Giants didn't fucking win, but they only lost by two. And as a Patriot fan, I hate that The Giants are 0 and 4 more so than. I hate the fact that we're 2 and 2 because I wanted to play the Giants again in the super bowl to fucking beat those bastards one time. We got nothing to lose. The Giants got everything to lose. They got shit talking rights, right now you just got to say, hey, you guys fucking own us, right? By the way, somebody tweeted like, dude, when was the last time you guys even fucking beat us?

[Paul Verze]

I went to a home game on away game.

[Bill Burr]

I'm sorry, Giants, we fucking beat you. I don't know, the last time we played you in the regular season in your fucking house, you cunt. Fucking guys bragging about preseason games. It's like, dude, you won two Super Bowls. That's all you give a fuck about.

[Joe Bartnik]

So anyways, that's my 1 pick.

[Bill Burr]

So now I'm going to make another pick on Thursday, all right? Every. Every Thursday, I'm going to do my NFL pick of the week. Now, what's. What you have to think if you're a fucking degenerate gambler? You know good and goddamn well I have just as much chance with the information that I'm using of picking a.

[Joe Bartnik]

Winner as a housewife who doesn't watch a game, okay?

[Bill Burr]

So this first week, I'm not going to say was dumb luck. I was going on how many points the Giants scored against the Eagles.

[Joe Bartnik]

I know they scored him late. And then Eli Manning, who's ripped my.

[Bill Burr]

Heart out twice, showed it to me.

[Joe Bartnik]

And then very politely ate it and.

[Bill Burr]

Didn'T get any blood on his Dockers, right?

[Joe Bartnik]

I was like, there's no fucking way that these guys, I thought that they were going to come away with a win. I did.

[Bill Burr]

Buccaneers look great, God bless them. By the way, who the fuck is this Ron Funches guy On the. On the. On Carolina fucking Panthers. Guy was killing us all day long. I was. I don't pray for injuries, but when his leg cramped up, I was like, thank God. Then he came back out again, caught another first down. It's like, get that fucking guy out of here.

[Joe Bartnik]

So anyways, that's what I was basing it on.

[Bill Burr]

So I'm gonna pick another one Thursday.

[Joe Bartnik]

And then you, the degenerate gambler, you.

[Bill Burr]

Got to be wondering, will, old freckles, will he get lucky two weeks in a row?

[Joe Bartnik]

Because now I'm in your head because I won last week. This is like playing roulette, like going, all right, the last time was black. Is it going to be another black or is it going to be a red? Do I sit out this week? See, if it goes two blacks in a row, then I know it's going to be red, all right? No, it was red this week. I'm a fucking goddamn ginger.

[Bill Burr]

All right? Remember that guy fucking didn't pay his taxes. Always been on black Always been on red. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that might be the Photoshop of this week. That's too fucking easy, right? That's a movie poster right there. Always bet on red. I don't know who's playing next week. So. How about those fucking LA Rams? Not your same old Rams. Fucking winning, winning, winning. Beat the Dallas fucking Cowboys. Jesus Christ. They're going to have their fucking heads in a noose out there. All right, well, let's get down to it. Oh, Billy, fucking Boozeback is back. I fell off the wagon. I couldn't do it. I'm fucking with you. I'm still on the fucking wagon. I went to Vegas and I passed that test. I was at the. The Monte Carlo. Not the race. The fucking casino. Stayed over at the MGM grand because.

[Joe Bartnik]

They'Re doing some construction, I guess, on the Monte Carlo. So they had me across the street and. Oh, my God, what a. Oh, there's no better people watching than when you go to Vegas. Holy shit. I went down to the pool. Yes. I went down to the pool. I was working with Bartnik. He's an Italian guy. He actually has pigment, so he wanted to go down the pool. He's like, all right, fuck it. I'm not gonna stay in the room the whole time. So I go down to the goddamn pool, dude. And it was like, right as the sun had already started to go down, was on the other side of the casino, so there really wasn't any sun on the water.

[Bill Burr]

So there was maybe five or six young people there, and everybody else was my generation or older. And holy shit, I know this is a hacky topic. I know this is. But thank God I never got a tattoo. Thank fucking Christ. If you saw these fucking people and they're my age, man, 49 years old, no shirt on, all these fucking chicks with their ankle sorority tattoos, telling kids what to do with tattoos. You know what I mean? And then that good. What kills me about the tattoo becoming mainstream was the incredible, like, lack of research that most people did, their total lack of respect for the art form, and the complete lack of respect for themselves to go out and try to actually find somebody good at it. I gotta tell you, I must have seen 500 fucking tattoos on about 100 different people down there at the pool. Everybody just tatted up. Show, man. Boobs are just pecs sagging down. You know, women, you always got to.

[Joe Bartnik]

Give a pass because they.

[Bill Burr]

They have.

[Joe Bartnik]

They have to bear children.

[Bill Burr]

All right? But guys, man, there's no reason you Just keep doing the push ups. Keep the chest high and tight. What the are you doing? Lay off the pizza in the booth. Fucking guys just walking around, their saggy chests in the fucking tribal band, the tramp stamps. Those sorority ankle tattoos, just fucking horrific. I went down there, I was just.

[Joe Bartnik]

Sitting there, just reminded of my own mortality, going like, jesus Christ, I really want to fucking act like I'm above these people, but like, you know, smartest fucking thing I that I didn't do was I never got a tattoo. Jesus fucking Christ. Thank Christ. I never did it, you know, like.

[Bill Burr]

It used to be back in the. You know, because look at me, I'm not a tattoo guy, all right? Tattoo, they got to go back to badasses, you know what I mean? Guys in biker gangs or in prison or like chicks who know how to shoot pool, wear the leather pants, right?

[Joe Bartnik]

Maybe I'm out of my fucking mind.

[Bill Burr]

So we went down there and we just looked at that fucking sea of humanity.

[Joe Bartnik]

And then this guy just comes out.

[Bill Burr]

Just screaming about how he lost 20 grand.

[Joe Bartnik]

And he had a big grin on his face.

[Bill Burr]

He goes, throw me in the pool. I can't swim, Maybe I'll drown. I just lost 20 grand. I just lost 20 grand in there. And I looked at him like, that.

[Joe Bartnik]

Fucking guy doesn't have 20 grand. There's no fucking way he's got 20 grand.

[Bill Burr]

And who fucking walks?

[Joe Bartnik]

He's just acting like he's a big shot, right? Or maybe he did. I have no fucking idea. So then we went over, we did the show. And after the show, we sat out by this giant air conditioning, duck behind.

[Bill Burr]

A wall on a picnic table and smoked cigars.

[Joe Bartnik]

And it was great. And I didn't participate at all in the Vegas shenanigans.

[Bill Burr]

I knew enough. When I walked through the lobby and I saw the people, all the young people, I was like, this is their time.

[Joe Bartnik]

Don't be the creepy guy hanging around ruining it.

[Bill Burr]

Get the fuck out of here. So I went back over to the MGM, walked back, and I got back probably about 12:30 at night. And that was that first wave of.

[Joe Bartnik]

Women that had had enough.

[Bill Burr]

You know, two out of three of them are walking barefoot, carrying their horseshoes, right? What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. And they just had dirty feet. Just walk into the. With a giant drink. And I was glad that I, I stayed. I did stay out of that. And I didn't booze, although I did smoke a cigar. And I kind of did it on an empty stomach. And I gotta admit, I was a little Nauseous because it was this giant Cuban and the next day we took the helicopter out and back and on.

[Joe Bartnik]

The way back there was like a.

[Bill Burr]

17 to 30 knot wind depending on what altitude we were until we really got down low flying over the 15.

[Joe Bartnik]

It got down to like nine knots and we kind of getting pushed around.

[Bill Burr]

A little bit up there and there was a couple times I was just.

[Joe Bartnik]

Like, oh my God.

[Bill Burr]

Feeling a little nauseous up here, you know, that's not what you want to see from your pilot asking for a puke bag. I mean the most comforting thing he can say at that point, it's all right, it's all right, I drank last night.

[Joe Bartnik]

So anyways, but I got to tell you man, flying out there, taking the helicopter and going over the Mojave desert was, it was, it was incredible.

[Bill Burr]

The desert is so, it's like beautiful.

[Joe Bartnik]

Terrifying, boiling hot and freezing all at the same time. It's just, I swear to God, I don't know why.

[Bill Burr]

You know what? Something. If people thought we faked the moon landing, that's probably where they went, right?

[Joe Bartnik]

They probably just went out to the desert, you know, it's a lot of mountains though.

[Bill Burr]

I don't think they faked it, man.

[Joe Bartnik]

I think they, I think they got up there, I don't give a fuck. Maybe they did. There's so much shit for me to fucking babble about.

[Bill Burr]

Did you guys watch the Formula one at all, huh? Anybody see it?

[Joe Bartnik]

Did anybody see it at all? What do I have in here? I get to the fucking standings. I know what's his face. One from Red Bull. Red Bull had two fucking cars. I can now. I always want to say, I always fuck up that guy's name. The fuck is his name? Who wanted this? Who won the race today? The fuck's his name? What is his name?

[Bill Burr]

Max Verstappen once I think Sebastian Vettel. I can't think Verstappen because that V like my brain can only handle one V word a minute or the same letter. I'm telling you I have, I don't.

[Joe Bartnik]

Know what the fuck my deal is.

[Bill Burr]

But this is the first race that I saw where Lewis Hamilton or Valteri Bottas in the Mercedes teams, one of either one of them if they're in first fucking place going into the turn, the Mercedes cars are just too goddamn good. Maybe a Ferrari can run him down. I've never fucking seen it. But Red Bull, this was their day, this was their track, they were amazing. Lewis Hamilton got into fucking the first, it was the first person. It came out in the lead. I can't even talk.

[Joe Bartnik]

This fucking podcast. I apologize.

[Bill Burr]

Came out of the first turn in the lead. And as far as my year and a half of watching this shit, that means you're going to win the race, especially if you're in a Mercedes.

[Joe Bartnik]

And Verstappen actually came right up on him and went right around him like it was nothing, and then opened up like an 8, 9 second lead on him. I have. I've never seen that.

[Bill Burr]

A Mercedes humbled like that by Red Bull. So congratulations them. Daniel Ricardo came in third place and Lewis Hamilton. Fucking steady. Steady Eddie there still got second place. He's got 281 fucking points. Sebastian Vettel, for whatever fucking reason, Ferrari, I don't know what they're doing.

[Joe Bartnik]

My daughter had her first cold, man, so I was kind of watching her. So I missed the beginning.

[Bill Burr]

All of a sudden, Kimi Raikkonen had something going on with his turbo and he didn't even fucking drive. And Sebastian Vettel was way in the back, so I'm gonna guess he either fucked up during the time trials and got some sort of penalty or they had to switch out a gearbox or some shit that put you at the back of the race. You're only allowed to use so many parts, so many engines or something like that throughout the season. So he was all the way in the back. He was able to work himself all.

[Joe Bartnik]

The way up to fourth place, which was really impressive. But now he is. He is. What has he got?

[Bill Burr]

He's 34 points.

[Joe Bartnik]

I mean, I don't think that they'd make it up after that debacle in Singapore, that absolute Three Stooges debacle. I don't think that they make it up, but it was very exciting as a new fan of Formula one, to.

[Bill Burr]

Actually see somebody enforced first place and get passed, actually see a Mercedes Benz.

[Joe Bartnik]

In first place and get passed.

[Bill Burr]

It gave me hope that Formula One.

[Joe Bartnik]

Can be more like that the way MotoGP is.

[Bill Burr]

All right, anyways, let's get to some.

[Joe Bartnik]

Of the reads here for the week. Some of the. Actually, some of the advertising here, shall we?

[Bill Burr]

Where is it? Ah, look who's here. Proflowers. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did I cut that off this podcast? It just fucking blows.

[Joe Bartnik]

What am I doing today?

[Bill Burr]

Oh, look who's here. Me undies, me undies, me undies, Bill. Can't fucking readies. My ass is starting to bleed. But thank God I got fucking silk down by my taint and my balls. Who cares if I'm bleeding from the. Ah, Jesus, Bill, that's not. That's just disgusting. You already know Meundies makes the most comfortable underwear in the world. If underwear isn't your thing, man. We're excited to announce that Meundies socks are finally here. Be ready for work, play and everything in between with the new Meundies socks. If you thought your balls felt good, if you thought your balls thanked you every week, wait till you hear what your toes say. Meundy socks are now available. Meundy socks are spun from premium materials, making their socks the best you can get for your feet. Talk about why Meundies is the best underwear and socks you will ever own. Well, they pay me to say so. And I have a daughter and she wants to go to college one day and who knows how long I sell tickets. So I might as well say that these guys have the best underwear and socks. Meundies will be the most comfortable pair of underwear and now socks you will ever own. Exclusive offer. Right now, Meundies has an exclusive offer just for our listeners. Whoever else they advertise with get 20% off your first order and free shipping. Meundies is so sure you will love their underwear and socks. They will give you 100%. I just pictured somebody taking this. You know when someone dries themself off with the towel and they dry off their undercarriage. Just doing that with the socks during.

[Paul Verze]

The commercial going, oh my God, they feel amazing.

[Bill Burr]

You just zoom in and zooming out really quickly, you know, to get that effect so you can't really see the junk, you just see the sock, right? And it's so fucking weird that the millennials buy it. Why do we give millennials so much shit? You know what I mean? My generation should, they should give like people, the generation older than me shit for raising them. Is that right? I don't know. Right now Meundies has an exclusive offer just for our listeners. Me. And he's so sure you will love their underwear and socks. They will give you a 100 satisfaction guarantee. Simply order a pair. If you don't like it, get a full refund. This is a no brainer, 20% off, free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. What are you waiting for? Meundies.com Burr Meundies.com Burr oh Pro Flowers. Just in time for Halloween. If you know any of those people who are, you know any. If you know any of those people who are obsessed with fall things like pumpkin spice lattes and scented candles, Proflowers has the perfect gift it's called the ass vase. You take a fucking long stem rose, a long lasting bouquet in their favorite fall colors. Their best selling cinnamon cider roses are a great option for a birthday and anniversary, any fall occasion. Or go with one of the classics like 100 autumn blooms or a dozen autumn roses. Well I don't understand what the fuck buys flowers in October. It's the end. Don't they die this time of year? You buy them in the spring. Hundred autumn blooms. Well when they fucking they turn colors because they can't breathe anymore. You can't lose because no matter which bouquet bouquet you send, my listeners get 20% off of any of the ProFlowers unique bouquets for $29 or more. Is this way you buy like that fucking. It looks like something you'd yell through but it's really, it's made like it's made like a basket weaving class and there's a bunch of shit falling out of it. Usually a squash. Proflowers bouquets are guaranteed to stay fresh for at least seven days or your money back and you control the delivery date. Proflowers gives you more bloom for your buck. Big beautiful flowers, more stems for your money and long lasting freshness. To get 20% off all the bouquets for $29 or more go to ProFlowers and use my code Burr B U R R. That's ProFlowers.com codename Burr. What is that fucking thing called? Let's do a search here. Thanksgiving horn thing, basket, squash. See if this gets anything. Bam. A cornucopia. It's a cornucopia. Basket.

[Paul Verze]

Look at that.

[Bill Burr]

I nailed it. Thanksgiving horn thing, basket, squash. Got me there. All right.

[Joe Bartnik]

All right.

[Bill Burr]

Is that it?

[Joe Bartnik]

Is that it for the reading? What else did I want to talk about? Did I handle everything? I think I did. By the way, I'm going to be.

[Bill Burr]

In St. Petersburg, Florida at the Mahaffey Theater. They added a late show this Friday night. It's going to be me. Rose bowl tailgate legend AKA the, the Crown Royal Kid. Joe Bartnik. That's his new nickname, the Crown Royal Kid. He just got signed to a three year deal. Paul Verze.

[Paul Verze]

Paul.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, I called it Versi. Whatever you do, do not bring up that his giants are 04, okay? He's very sensitive. We're going to be down there and Thursday night I'm going to the Patriots first Tampa game. I'm going to be respectful. I'm not wearing my Patriots gear because I don't listen to everybody giving me shit. I don't need all that shit. Even if we were undefeated, I still wouldn't wear it. I've learned. I just go there. I silently root for my fucking team. If Tampa wins, I say congratulations. Who gives a fuck? This is the last NFL team that I need to see a home game of. And then I'll have gone to all.

[Joe Bartnik]

The baseball and all the football at a professional level. And in my world of doing horrible in school and going to colleges, numerous.

[Bill Burr]

Colleges during my college career, none of which, oh, I went to NC State for my first. My freshman year, sort of was in the off campus program. I literally fucking drove into the library and watched the classes on cassette tape like I had some sort of fucking terminal disease. That was my first semester. And second semester I had two classes, both of which I flunked because by then I decided I didn't want to be in North Carolina. So I sort of went there. This is back when NC State Wolfpack.

[Joe Bartnik]

Had like Chucky Brown and Charles. I think it was Charles Shackelford. I believe they still had grass seats in the end zone. I went to a Carolina State game there. Then I went to a couple other schools, ended up at Emerson. Emerson. I don't even know what a fucking mascot is. I have no idea what it is. Anyways, it's like a Final draft software or some shit.

[Bill Burr]

The fuck am I talking about? Yes, I'm going to be in St. Petersburg and then I'm going to. On Saturday we're going to the Florida Gators vs. LSU. Mighty LSU. So I will be silently rooting for. I like Florida too, but I'll be rooting for lsu.

[Joe Bartnik]

Man, I can't fucking.

[Bill Burr]

Just because they lost to the Sunbelt Trojans. The fuck? But I get to go to the legendary Swamp. And I actually love both those teams.

[Joe Bartnik]

But I decided to hitch my wagon to LSU so I can't just like fucking jump.

[Bill Burr]

I.

[Joe Bartnik]

You know, I'm not gonna be a.

[Bill Burr]

Cunt on either one of those. I'm just gonna be happy to be at that legendary field at the Swamp.

[Joe Bartnik]

And then also to be at the Pirates of the Caribbean Stadium. Stadium that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers play in.

[Bill Burr]

All right, Lewis Hamilton on hbo. Hey, Bill, big fan. Just wanted to let you know that Lewis Hamilton is going to be featured on HBO's Real Sports tonight.

[Joe Bartnik]

I gotta watch that.

[Bill Burr]

If you miss it, I'm sure you can. I'm sure you can watch it later on Demand. Keep doing your thing. Love efforts for family and the podcast is a weekly ritual for me. Best wishes to you and Your growing family. Oh, thank you very much. I'm gonna try to check that out. I saw. I follow Lewis Hamilton on Twitter. Twitter. And I saw that he had some announcement to make. And it looked like he was wearing some MotoGP suit he was walking to towards a motorcycle. Now, there's no fucking way the Mercedes team is going to let him do that, right? I don't think so.

[Joe Bartnik]

So I don't know what the announcement was. Maybe it said he got another diamond.

[Bill Burr]

Stud for his other side of his nose. I have no idea.

[Joe Bartnik]

I don't pretend to live in that man's stratosphere.

[Bill Burr]

I live in the troposphere. He lives in the stratosphere. All right, the Buccaneers logo, everybody.

[Paul Verze]

A bullet, Bill.

[Bill Burr]

The original Buccaneers logo was taken from the school. I went to, Beloit College. They settled in court and Beloit won because the school has been around before the NFL. The school is big in the liberal arts culture and the conversation of changing the mascot. Due to the barbaric history of the Buccaneers, the school actually has two mascots, an official and unofficial. The unofficial is a turtle, and they're trying to see if they can make it the official mascot over the Buccaneer. Good Lord. I could give a fuck about it, but how would you feel if the Patriots were to change to a pussy animal? First of all, I fucking love turtles.

[Joe Bartnik]

If you don't like turtles, man, there's.

[Bill Burr]

Something wrong with you. They're awesome.

[Joe Bartnik]

They don't bug anybody.

[Bill Burr]

And if you think they're pussies, go out and go get bit by one.

[Joe Bartnik]

I fucking love turtles.

[Bill Burr]

I had one as a pet. I went to church and I came home and it drowned. His name was Ralph and I buried.

[Joe Bartnik]

It in the fucking woods. I never got another one.

[Bill Burr]

Thanks for bringing it up. Anyways, some pussy animal because they're associated with white nationalists or whatever, grotesque historical events that is beyond our control. The funny thing about that is all the liberal white people that go along with doing that shit do not want to give up their land or their flat screen TVs. I get, you know, so as a. A half assed, you know, gesture, they're going to get rid of the mascot. Like, obviously, I feel the Redskins, I.

[Joe Bartnik]

Mean, it's literally like a racial slur. So I get that one.

[Bill Burr]

But this other shit, I mean, I don't know, liberal people want to get rid of it, but I feel that's kind of a way of getting away with being cunts, is you're kind of getting rid of the evidence. You know, if they have the buccaneer on the side. They'll be like, well, who's that? And be like, oh, yeah, that was.

[Paul Verze]

A group of white people that came.

[Bill Burr]

Over here and just massacred a bunch of fucking people. Just took a bunch of shit. They were evil. They were evil. And for all I know, you are one of their descendants. But if you just make it all go away and there's just a turtle, I don't know. I think they give human beings too much credit. Like, you have to understand that we're kind of out of our fucking minds. Some of it has to do with power.

[Joe Bartnik]

I don't know what it is, but.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know. We get too much power.

[Joe Bartnik]

We behave like those fucking chimpanzees when they go out and hunt other monkeys.

[Bill Burr]

You know what I mean?

[Joe Bartnik]

I'll never get over watching that. I just.

[Bill Burr]

It's the human. The way they get excited and the.

[Joe Bartnik]

Way they torture the other monkey rather than just kill.

[Bill Burr]

The thing is, there's a level of, like, sedate. That's why I don't like cats. I don't like how they just won't kill the mouse. How the thing's freaking out. Just put it out of its misery. They want to still want to have fun with it. Like, if somebody said we're descendants of.

[Joe Bartnik]

Cats, I'd be like, yeah, I believe that. We're always sneaking up on each other, trying to stab one another, you know? Anyways, I respect cats, though. You know, I respect them all. I'm just saying, you know, just that behavior is just fucking weird. Anyways, he says, love the fuck out of the podcast. Been listening since 2011 and followed your comedy since. Why do I do this?

[Bill Burr]

Thank you for all the laughs. Hope your family's doing well, and go fuck yourself. Yeah, my baby girl had a little bit of the sniffles do. When a baby has a cold and it sneezes, that's the funniest ever. They don't cover their mouth and just. It's fucking unreal. It's like Poltergeist and What's that? What's that? Nickelodeon slime. So if you got a baby, somebody told me this is good advice was just to get, like, a face cloth and have it wet and just, you know, dab at it so you don't make their nose all raw and all that stuff.

[Joe Bartnik]

Obviously, frequently rinse it out, change it. I know this is disgusting, but was kind of what I was doing. I feel like I gave her the cold because I came back from Toronto and I felt Like, I had was fighting off something, and I'm not gonna.

[Bill Burr]

Not hug and kiss my daughter.

[Paul Verze]

Is that my daughter in there? Right?

[Bill Burr]

So I was hanging out with her, and Nia was out with some friends this weekend.

[Joe Bartnik]

So it was kind of.

[Bill Burr]

I got to be the single dad.

[Joe Bartnik]

And I gotta tell you, man, I fucking loved it.

[Bill Burr]

You know, I don't know what these single parents are complaining about. I did it for about eight hours and I didn't have a problem at all. No, it was awesome. She watched the Formula one race with me and she watched the Patriots game. I got her a Patriots onesie. I think it said little but awesome or something like that. Has the Patriot logo on it.

[Joe Bartnik]

And whenever it's football Sunday.

[Bill Burr]

And what's cool is Nia is not into sports and shit, so she didn't want her to have a bunch of sports shit, but I just bought it anyways. And.

[Joe Bartnik]

She fought for like two seconds. He's like, all right, if you're into that, fine.

[Bill Burr]

She gets it.

[Joe Bartnik]

She gets it. So that's what it is.

[Bill Burr]

Football Sunday. I come home, she's got two different Patriots onesies.

[Joe Bartnik]

I got to get her a Bruins one for the season coming up.

[Bill Burr]

And, oh, it's playoff baseball. Joe Bucket is finest. F is for families. Joe Buck at his finest. Looking forward to that. Crossing my fingers for a Yankees Red Sox matchup. Another classic series. Who knows who wins this? You know, I don't know how many times we played this year, but we were dead even. You know, if we played 18 times, we went nine and nine. And I got it to be interesting series because I haven't seen Price be able to beat the fucking Yankees at least in the second half when I was paying attention. So we'll see. How many home runs did Judge end up with? I love those people that was giving him shit.

[Joe Bartnik]

I was so happy that he got fucking 50. These fucking cunts.

[Bill Burr]

Dude, I'm telling you. They say, though, the Home Run Derby fucks up your swing. Oh, is that what they say? Is that what they say? You're not a football scout, are you? All right, Aaron Judge. All fucking rise. Court is in session. Have you reached a verdict? We get it. His last names. Judge. Aaron Judge. Stats. Here we go. I know he got 50. What did he finish with? Home runs. 50 fucking 2. Holy shit.

[Joe Bartnik]

That is fucking amazing.

[Bill Burr]

52 home runs. I don't ever give him shit about his strikeouts, gives a fuck. 114 RBIs, 127 base on balls. 208 strikeouts. 52 home runs. He had 542 at bats and he had two. He still hit.284 with 208 strikeouts.

[Joe Bartnik]

He still hit.284. It's fucking amazing.

[Bill Burr]

What a season.

[Joe Bartnik]

Congratulations to him. I hope he beat you. I hope he beat you.

[Bill Burr]

If we fucking, you know, but I'm, you know, I'm not one of those.

[Joe Bartnik]

Cunts that can't recognize greatness. That's fucking amazing.

[Bill Burr]

All right. Dear Billy. But Nose thought this was interesting. A new French law says that photos must come with a disclaimer that they're photoshopped. I love the French.

[Joe Bartnik]

I fucking love the French.

[Bill Burr]

You know what I mean?

[Paul Verze]

You know why?

[Joe Bartnik]

Because they fucking going around having threesomes.

[Bill Burr]

And they're sick of being excited about bringing somebody else into their relationship and.

[Joe Bartnik]

They don't look like the fucking picture.

[Bill Burr]

You know what I mean?

[Joe Bartnik]

I get it.

[Bill Burr]

Anyways, it's being done to discourage unhealthy, extreme thinness among people trying to emulate unrealistic body shapes that were faked with a computer program. All right, So I was a little off the mark on that. This could really change the landscape for models, right? There's a sports equivalent in there somewhere. Love you, love Nia. Keep up the good work. Yeah, I mean, I think that's probably. That's not for adults, that's for more.

[Joe Bartnik]

I think that's for kids.

[Bill Burr]

Because I noticed, you know, when I went to Toronto, I couldn't believe how.

[Joe Bartnik]

Good looking the people were.

[Bill Burr]

And I've just been going around in general just noticing how good looking people are. And I was just like, what the.

[Joe Bartnik]

Fuck is going on? And what I think it is, it's.

[Bill Burr]

I think it's a result of everybody being on social media and you post a picture of yourself and you know, all the stuff that you didn't like about yourself and then shit that you didn't even recognize that, that evidently people, other people notice in comments, you know, hey, dude, you nice new profile picture. But I gotta, I gotta ask, what's up with your right ear? What's up with that shirt? What's up with the blah, blah, blah, you know, and then it's unreal. And then you start getting like a fucking complex. Social media is other than promoting.

[Joe Bartnik]

Anyways.

[Bill Burr]

I just feel like for me, social media, I promote gigs and I go.

[Joe Bartnik]

On and I try to make people laugh. That's it.

[Bill Burr]

But to actually go on there and look at comments, it's just not a healthy thing. I don't think it's healthy.

[Joe Bartnik]

For anybody.

[Bill Burr]

Even if you're the most beautiful fucking person in the world. Because you know at some point you're gonna start to go down the other side. And then the comments, hey, you're still hot, but you're starting to look. Starting to show your age there. Lol. Just kidding. You know I love you. That's all somebody who's got nothing, nothing but fucking compliments, needs to hear.

[Joe Bartnik]

And then it's just a downward spiral into fucking Botox and all of that shit. If I could promote anything, just fucking. Just act your goddamn age. That's the best way to do it. Just as.

[Bill Burr]

As you're in your 40s. Dress like you're in your 40s. Keep yourself in good fucking shape. There's a certain number you hit, and.

[Joe Bartnik]

The best you can be at that.

[Bill Burr]

Point is you look good for your age. And if somebody says that to you, it's a fucking compliment. You got to be young. You weren't cheated. All right? Stop trying to fucking hang on by your fingernails. It's fucking over. Let young people be young. Let them have their. Whatever the fuck it is they're doing with those goddamn DJs. I don't get it, but it's their shit. Let them have it. Stop showing up with your Botox face, asking if anybody has any Molly. Okay, you're creeping people out. All right? It's over. My public service announcement is over. All right? Apocalypse Prep. Hey, Bill. Recently my girlfriend got mad that I don't have anything prepared in case of a hurricane or a massive flood. I'm not naive, but we live in Kansas City. I told her that while I have a flashlight, extra cases of water and a generator, not bad for a 25 year old homeowner. That's pretty fucking great. And you own a home at 25? Congratulations. I don't have a box titled Apocalypse Shit. She said, I never think about the future. Oh boy. I told you. Well, you know, at least she's not asking for a kid. What do you mean I don't think about the future? I bought a house, you dizzy broad. I told her that a gas powered generator is literally a symbol for the future. You talk about this stuff all the time, but have you actually got anything ready? Thanks. P.S. love the music and the throwbacks. Well, thank Andrew Themless. He's the one who picks out the music. I bought some shit. I bought some bucket of fucking food that would last forever. And the lid on the bucket also doubled as a toilet seat. And you could shit in the bucket. But then I don't know where your food went. I went down the rabbit hole, you know, about 10 years ago, thinking about, you know, going off the grid and buying gold and silver coins and all of this shit. And then I was. Then I just went the other way, and I was just like, you know, I don't think I want to survive the apocalypse. I'm fine if I'm laying in the street, you know what I mean? Because then I would just live this unbelievable quality life, and then once the apocalypse hit and everything sucked, I wouldn't have to fucking live through it. You know, you, like when a fucking player, like, say, like, Doc Rivers, like, you know, he won a championship with the Celtics, and then they totally dismantled the team. He's like, dude, I'm too fucking old to go through a rebuilding year. That's how I feel with, like, society, okay? It's just been great.

[Joe Bartnik]

Every fucking day of my life, okay? I just.

[Bill Burr]

You know, my fucking dresser drawer is full of championship rings. I got to live in this country looking how I looked. I fucking lucked out. I'm not going to fucking lie to you. I lucked out. So if all of that shit goes away, you know what I mean, and everything just collapses, and then fucking prisoners are. I'm not going to fucking survive that. So that'll be it. You know what I mean? I'd fucking down a bottle of booze and then just turn the.

[Joe Bartnik]

I guess it's different now that I got a family.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Joe Bartnik]

Maybe I'll buy a generator.

[Bill Burr]

All right. Movie lines. Movie lines. I gave you one this week. See, See, see? Dear Billy bass drum. This is the best line from a. Can we talk bass drums here for a second? Everybody I know has a different fucking.

[Joe Bartnik]

Way of tuning the goddamn bass drum.

[Bill Burr]

What is your. What is the way that you do it? Do you get a good sound out of it? I just had. Somebody blew my fucking mind when I thought it was. You just tuned the. The batter head, you know, that was the one that I thought you put a little tension to, and then I thought the other side. You just fucking, you know, just, you know, tightened it past the wrinkle. All right? Because, hey, you want that. You want to move that air, right? You also want to have, I don't know, the fucking beater. Have something to rebound off of. And then I met somebody, and he fucking tells me the exact opposite thing. And then I met somebody this weekend, and he goes back the other way. I don't know what the fuck to do. All I know is my Bass drum tuning sucks. So.

[Joe Bartnik]

Whatever, I'm gonna give it another shot. I'm just gonna. You just have to have the balls to just. Just keep undoing it and doing it back again and just dealing with whatever sound you come up with and each time, hopefully getting it a little bit better. But I'm always open to listen to people. Any ideas you have, please let me know.

[Bill Burr]

All right.

[Joe Bartnik]

Dear Billy bass drum. This is the best line from a supporting character in a movie. Is from Wayne's World too.

[Bill Burr]

There's nothing vulgar, so you can play it on air. Wayne and Garth had brought a roadie.

[Joe Bartnik]

Back from the UK to help put a concert.

[Bill Burr]

Put on a concert. While hanging out, he tells them this crazy story, rock and roll story about Ozzy, Jeff, Beck and Keith Richards. Give it a listen. All right.

[Joe Bartnik]

Let's hope there's no fucking racial slurs.

[Bill Burr]

In this like there was last week. For some reason, the link isn't working. Why won't the link work? Where is it? Oh, you know what?

[Joe Bartnik]

I have to go over here. Hang on. I'll hit pause so you don't have to torture your way through this. All right, we're back. Here we go. Here it is.

[Bill Burr]

Here it is.

[Joe Bartnik]

Come on.

[Unknown (Wayne's World clip)]

At three o' clock in the morning, looking for 1,000 brown M M's to fill a.

[Joe Bartnik]

No one's gonna be able to hear this, dude.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know why.

[Joe Bartnik]

It's super quiet. What's going on here?

[Bill Burr]

I got all the volumes up. Oh, I know this thing. And that's when he. In the end he said, you know, he goes into the store to go buy him. He would need to buy chocolate M M's to fill up into Ozzy's brandy glass. And he goes there and the. The place was closed and they had some dog. He fights off the dog and then he had to murder the owners with their own shoes. Right?

[Joe Bartnik]

I think that's what it is. I'm sorry, dude. I don't know if anybody can hear this.

[Bill Burr]

Can you hear it?

[Unknown (Wayne's World clip)]

And mentions there's a little sweet shop on the edge of town. So we go, and it's closed. So there's me and Keith Moon and David Crosby breaking into this little sweet shop, right? Well, instead. Instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. Well, I managed to take out the tiger with a can of Mace. But the shop owner and his son, that's a different story altogether. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes. Nasty business.

[Bill Burr]

There you go. Nasty business. Isn't it. I never watched. I know.

[Joe Bartnik]

I never saw Wayne's World. That was right when I started doing stand up. So I fucking missed out on it. Was too busy trying to get on stage.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, by the way, the ticket link for the All Things Comedy Podcast Festival is in Phoenix, is [e-mail] for the first time ever, I am going to do a live Monday morning podcast. Now, the first thing you should be asking yourself is like, you gonna have a guest? No. Are you gonna address the crowd? No, I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna get a bed and I'm just gonna lay down in it. You guys will fucking sit there and watch it. I don't know if it's gonna work, but we'll see, we'll see. It's gonna be more like a play. It's gonna have headphones on. I'm gonna block out people laughing. I'm probably.

[Joe Bartnik]

I have to react to the crowd.

[Bill Burr]

But I'm not gonna be fucking going out there doing stand up or any of that. I'm gonna sit down and I'm just gonna fucking do my part. You know, you're just gonna be able to watch it. I gotta have some sort of commemorative T shirt or a poster, some shit. But that is going down in Phoenix, Arizona. I've never done the video thing. I did it one time at the.

[Joe Bartnik]

All Things Comedy Podcast. I guess I did it one time.

[Bill Burr]

But if you ever wanted to see what the fuck this shit looks like, who knows? Maybe it won't work. Like rap? Like rap live. Remember? When did I. Sorry. Rap with a live band. Remember that? When they tried to do that unplugged. The only guy who ever pulled it off was LL Cool J. He pulled it off everybody else. It just never. It just didn't fucking work. You got to add the guy on the turntables. I'm probably wrong about that, but I just said it and I'm going to stick by it. All right, fat phobic. Dear Billy, Back breaker. I'm a 28 year old white male living in Ohio. I've been single for nearly four years now. Congratulations. I consider myself to be an active guy. Rock climbing, going to the gym. Is this like your Tinder fucking bullshit you're sending me? I like to rock climb, go to the gym, cycling, etc. Anyways, I used to be overweight at 250 pounds and over the course of a year, I was able to get down 172 pounds and maintain that due to the activeness and eating a plant Based diet.

[Paul Verze]

Good for fucking you, sir.

[Bill Burr]

Making me fuck. You're inspiring me. Good for you, man.

[Joe Bartnik]

What a great thing you did.

[Bill Burr]

My situation is this. I have some ladies that have expressed their interest in me. However, the majority of them are overweight and have no self control when it comes to their diet and exercise. I'm not attracted to bigger women, which puts me in a difficult situation when they very openly flirt and invite me out. Why you're not attracted to them, that's totally fine. And it's totally fine to not be into overweight people. I don't know why you have to pretend that you're into people that you're not into. So the person you know eating the fucking Drake's cake can feel good about themselves. What about you? There's still a victim in there, okay? And considering being out of shape is curable for most people, I'm not saying it's not a disease, but for most people they do what you do, plant based diet, they get active and it fucking falls off. Plus, considering you were a fatty, this is like an alcoholic, you know, who got sober. You're gonna go hang out with an alcoholic, I guarantee you'll become a fat fuck hanging out with him, right? And then where are you gonna be? You're gonna be laying down as she tries to ride you on top. I hope you got enough to fucking still get it in there. Your two bellies slapping together, you don't be part of that, do you? The ladies can turn down men, no problem, but when a man turns down a lady. Some of the ladies I work with, and they're close friends, I've known for years. Some of the ladies I work with and are close friends, I've known for years. Why the fuck would you date them anyways? They know that I've been single for four years. Honestly, I am picky. And I've also learned to be happy after multiple bad relationships. Dude, you are fucking crushing life right now. Don't fuck it up by dating some fatty that you work with because society is telling you that you're not progressive if you don't. Anyway, so when I deny a date request or don't flirt back with them, they say that I'm fat phobic. Is this what this has come to? Like if some fat fucking man titted douche came walking up to them pressing his dick up against him, I mean that's what the fuck they're doing to you? Sticking their fucking clam in your face, smelling like a Jim Dandy sundae at friendlies. Right. What the.

[Paul Verze]

Fuck off.

[Bill Burr]

I'm not fat phobic. I just weigh 172 pounds, and I know that I can get a better cut of meat. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go that mean. I'm just saying because the fat phobic.

[Joe Bartnik]

Pissed me off, all right?

[Bill Burr]

You should respect everybody. Just say, listen, I used to be fat like you, and I started rock climbing. Why don't you rock climb, okay? Or at least maybe just stare at a bunch of rocks instead of eating Rocky Road ice cream every fucking weekend. Maybe I'll throw you a bang every once in a while. As Dice Clay says, I'll throw you a bang. Yeah. Dude, can I tell you something right now? This fucking woman's movement thing is completely out of control. It's completely out of control. They are not all of them, but so many of them are everything that they're fucking preaching that they don't want.

[Joe Bartnik]

Guys to do to them, okay?

[Bill Burr]

You know, you have the absolute 100% right to date whoever the fuck you want to date. You have the right to be as shallow as you fucking want to be. You can date for looks for 10 years if you want to before you want to settle down and get serious, you know? And if you wait too long, you're going to pay the price. But it's your life. Don't let it. This is. This is your fucking life, dude. You're going to date some fucking fatty and you don't want to just so what, those cunts at work will look at you in a better way. I wouldn't do that. Just be like, yeah, my dance card is full. All right? These are the measurements I like, and I'm not ashamed of it, okay? That's what I find attractive, as do you. Can I tell you something? All of those women at work, if they could be the size that you find attractive would be, you know what I mean? And they ate their way into that position. It's their job to eat their way out the same way you did. So you had to get on a bike, you had to climb a bunch of rocks. You had to do all this shit. Now you're in game shape, right? You're fucking in Kobe Bryant shape. And they're showing up like Shaq, and they want to try to play their way into shape. Remember Kobe used to always give Shaq shit for doing that.

[Joe Bartnik]

Yeah, fuck that.

[Bill Burr]

Anyways, he says, I've never pointed out their weight, but when I have openly expressed interest in other women while talking to the other guys at Work. The women start to shame me. All right, dude, you know what? I was on your side until you said shame. What the fuck happened to. What happened to people? They shame you, you just fucking laugh at them, saying that I only like bones and twigs. I get along with everybody, so I never strike back. What's your problem with anything? In fear that I might be taken to HR for God knows what in days. Also, having denied some of the women, they've gone as far as to not speak to me as much and tell other female co workers how horrible of a man I am, leaving them to have bad attitudes against me just because I won't date them. Dude, what do you look like, Burt Reynolds? What the fuck's going on here? I would. Yeah, listen, this is the deal. Women go to hr.

[Joe Bartnik]

Guys just laugh at it. So just laugh at it, dude, you.

[Bill Burr]

Know what I would do? I would be overly friendly to the.

[Joe Bartnik]

Ones that hate me.

[Bill Burr]

You know?

[Paul Verze]

Morning, Sue. You look lovely today.

[Bill Burr]

Kill them with kindness. And then I would bring the most smoking hot fucking chick you could find to the fucking Christmas party. That's what you got to do. Anyways, he says, it's true. I'm not attracted to bigger women. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But women sit around all day talking about guys having to be this tall, have this facial hair, wear these clothes, but when a man has any sort of criteria, we get shamed. Dude, stop saying that, okay? Being shamed is totally within your own power at the age that you're at, okay? If you're a fucking teenager or younger.

[Joe Bartnik]

I get it, all right?

[Bill Burr]

But at some point, you got to.

[Joe Bartnik]

Be comfortable with how you look, okay? You got to get comfortable with yourself.

[Bill Burr]

And then someone can't shame you unless you actually did something shameful.

[Joe Bartnik]

Yeah, if you kick the puppy across the room.

[Bill Burr]

You know what I mean? You don't want to be comfortable enough with yourself that you can handle the criticism and have it not affect you. You should feel shame. All right? Anyways, he goes, I'm writing to hopefully get your take on the matter and hear what you would do in this situation. I will never see desiring a fit, healthy person who cares about their body.

[Joe Bartnik]

As a bad thing.

[Bill Burr]

No, you shouldn't. And that's something that all people should aspire to. Be fit and in shape, healthier than.

[Joe Bartnik]

They were yesterday, as much as you can. You know, obviously, the aging process, you're.

[Bill Burr]

Getting older every second. One step closer to the grave. Right. But, you know, in the meantime. Yeah, thanks for all the Good. Laughs. You and Nia are the friends I wish I had in real life. That's so nice. Have a good day and go fuck yourself. Yeah, dude. And by the way, that goes for women, too. Goes for women too. All right. Yeah. Date. What the fuck you want to date. And if you want to be shallow, you know, and date hot people, then just do that. See what that's like. It's up to you. I don't understand. You know what I mean? Like, you know what you have at work, dude, you have a bunch of busy bodies, you know, and there's these people out there that want to be the person to say, I introduced this person to that person.

[Joe Bartnik]

Oh, dude, I swear to God, man. I swear to God, you find the hottest chick you can find, you can find, Take her to the goddamn Christmas party.

[Bill Burr]

And by the way, let her know what's up. Let her know what's up. I would. I would. I would tell some. I would tell some hot chick that whole story. And you know, hot chicks love being hot. Nothing that they would make them feel hotter than to go down there and have a bunch of women look at her and just hate her because how fucking hot she is. There you go. Find that chick. Maybe she's into sports too. Next thing you know, you guys are running the country. Not the country, the company. That's perfect. Oh, it's a fantasy. But maybe you can make it happen, sir. Good luck to you. Good luck to you. And that's it. And by the way, there's plenty of guys out there that like big women, you know what I mean? It's plenty. It's up to you to be happy with your own fucking body. All right? I'm telling you, telling you, just fucking have a salad. Have one fucking salad a day. Start fucking working out. Read up as much as you can on nutrition. Try the best you can to eat the best food you can, which is really difficult, you know? That's all you could do then, other than that, leave people alone and let them date. Who the fuck they want to date? All right, that is the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves and I'll give you my fucking pick of the week on Thursday. That's it. When I'm in Tampa. Ba ba ba ba ba. Thursday Night Football. Oh, God, they're gonna be wearing those ugly under root fucking jerseys. What do they call them? The full court press jerseys? Whatever the fuck they call them. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Hey, there he is.

[Andrew Semless]

What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast for NFL Week Number. Oh my God, dude, it's going on to week number five already. And I'm your host, Paul Versi over here, Bill Burr over there, we have Jake the third Snake with injury reports as always. And we have Andrew Semless, producer extraordinaire. I finally hit a couple of games here, but dude, this is the weirdest year because no lead is safe.

[Paul Verze]

Dude, I had the Colts last week. I had the fucking Colts. Like, they score a touchdown and the guy like dropped the fucking ball. They had another touchdown. The same guy was holding. So I mean, he probably wouldn't have got a touchdown if the guy wasn't holding. But like, and then I'm like, all right, I had the Colts three and a half. There's like, I don't know how much time left. And you know, Collinsworth is always like, there's plenty of time. It's like just 45 seconds to run their own 20 and then they score. So I was thinking like, all right, they're going to go down the field. I know they're going to go down the field. And for some reason, like a 50 yarder out of nowhere, Paul, like is the chip shot, dude. Like, I'm not supposed to be thinking they're juicing up the ball. It's insane, right? So anyway, first play, Paul, first play, they're 88 yards away. The Colts quarterback gets turned around, clicks his own feet, falls down. I'm for a touchdown. I lost my bet. It was like, you know, bets you lose when you yell at the tv. And then there's the ones we just sort of stare at the TV just like it's a delayed one. Like that Eddie Murphy bit, talking about getting hit. You ever get hit in the nuts and there's like a 30 second delay before it hurts. It's like that, it's like that bit. The same thing where you're just sitting there and then you. I, yeah, I, yeah, I couldn't.

[Andrew Semless]

Well, the one thing I'm getting from this year definitely is the point. The half A point has either. The half A point is coming into play big time this year more than ever. That point 5 scares the shit out of me every time now.

[Paul Verze]

I, you know, and it's, dude, it's. I don't want to be floating conspiracy theories out here, but it's like these, these leagues, they're there to make money and now they got involved in gambling and they made this amount of money in their corporations and they have to figure out how to keep making more and more money. So I think that they got to play like a game here. We got to make more money on the gambling, but we can't do it so much that they stop, like, these conversations. They have to take place. Or maybe the system is just already in play. Like, maybe they are. They're probably just. They are this good.

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah. Because it's been like this before.

[Joe Bartnik]

Gambling.

[Andrew Semless]

They're good.

[Paul Verze]

They're good, dude. I mean, I look at this five seconds before we start talking, you know.

[Andrew Semless]

How about the Giants beating the Chargers, huh?

[Paul Verze]

I. I'm happy for you, but, like, I don't like the Chiefs now being two and two and everybody. Oh, they're back and everything. I just like. If I had to describe their offense, I would call it cunty.

[Andrew Semless]

Their offense is.

[Paul Verze]

That's a country. It's just like, you got him, and then he scampers first. First down. Are you going to get him? And then he throws the ball. Like, it's just not it. I don't know what it is.

[Bill Burr]

It's.

[Paul Verze]

It's.

[Bill Burr]

It's.

[Paul Verze]

I just find it so fucking hard to watch. It's just not like, let's fucking just line up. May the best man win. It's always like.

[Bill Burr]

Somebody slips on a.

[Paul Verze]

Banana peel and they get a fucking first lag. I just. It's the most. It's interesting, I should say. But I also will say that, like, the level of speed that is in the NFL now and the horrible tackling, people just running through defenses like, did he just run through three guys? Are those guys even trying? Like, there's just some really. I don't know if it's because they can't lead with the head again and they.

[Bill Burr]

Anymore and they just.

[Paul Verze]

The fundamentals of tackling, I don't know. They're going through them like butter.

[Andrew Semless]

What's going on with your Patriots? You like what you're seeing with New England? Yes.

[Paul Verze]

I'm fucking beyond excited, dude. We had our first blowout victory since 2018. Now that last year Tom was with us, like, he didn't have anybody to throw to or whatever that last season. And then Cam Newton came in, and that didn't work. And then Mac Jones, and that didn't work. And Belichick leaves. Then they bring in Mayo for one year, they hire him to fire him. Waiting for Brable, which was really not. Was my. Not as a fan, was not a fun thing to watch. So, yeah, it's the fact that we're two and two. And, like, you know, if we didn't have six turnovers and a zillion penalties, I mean, I don't want to take anything away from the Steelers. I mean, they. They got those six turnovers, but, like, it's six turnovers. At some point, you're not taking care of the ball. We could easily be 3 and 1. So the fact that we're 2 and 2, I'm really happy about that. And, you know, Drake May can move, so he can extend plays, and, you know, he's got a decent arm and stuff. We got that Stevenson kid, although he, you know, said a couple of fumbles or whatever. But, like, you know, I like what we see. You know, there's some of the same problems that we've had, but I feel like we're going to improve each week, and I'm hoping by the end of October, you know, we're going to be like, they know they're that four and five team. No one wants to play. You know, that's all I'm looking for out of this season. It's funny, though. You know what? I recently got asked to do this sketch, and it was written by this sports channel dude. Like, the fucking Patriot hatred. So they wanted me to do some fucking thing where I was sitting at a bar all upset about how bad the Patriots were. And looking back on Tom Brady. They so want that. Like, I've never seen a dynasty so fucking disrespectful. You know, I did. I did Rich Eisen. I broke his balls. He goes, hey, you see. You see Belichick's first game on Carolina, it's just like, dude, I'm sorry they beat your team for 20 years. You know, you. Some of that. Everyone's, like, trying to take the joy the fans had away. I don't know.

[Andrew Semless]

It's fucking nuts that's happened in sports. Yeah, like, they're winning teams that have historic winning. There just is a hatred out there because of that, that, like, resentment, but.

[Paul Verze]

It'S not usually supported by the media. But the New York sports fucking media, dude, has hammers us. Fucking hammers us. And they control the narrative. Dude, you guys spend a zillion dollars to win a World Series, and they. And the ESPN literally goes. And all is right in baseball. Like, it's wrong if you guys aren't. It's fucking nuts. And then we start winning, and it's like, oh, they fucking cheated. Oh, now it's over. Oh, now you're miserable. It's like, no, man, it was fucking great. I hope it Happens to you. Like, I'm actually at this point in football right now, Paul, that I don't hate anybody because all the villains and all the storylines are gone. Yeah, it's true. It's like Eli retired, Brady retired. Pete Carroll left Seattle. He's in the Raiders. I don't care. Now Nick Saban is gone. I was watching Alabama against Georgia. I was trying to hate Alabama. Like, I liked Alabama before they won it every year. And just for fun, I just started rooting for lsu. But it's just kind of like, I don't, I don't. There's nobody. I don't hate anybody right now.

[Andrew Semless]

How about this one, Bill? We got to talk about this on the show today. In a few short hours, the one and done, Yanks, Red Sox to go on to the next thing. That's. I don't need this in my life, dude.

[Paul Verze]

Oh, dude, I haven't watched. I've checked in. I can't watch it. I got kids, dude. I honestly, I can't. They see me when I can't find an oven mitt in the kitchen. They don't need me to see me watching my Red Sox and in playoff baseball against the Yankees. I'm not doing that to them. So. It's funny. I watched like almost every dog day of summer game and now like playoffs. It's just like, like, I just. I don't know, you know what that is, Bill?

[Andrew Semless]

That's self awareness.

[Paul Verze]

Self awareness. Somebody, a good friend of mine told me one time that she held her temper because she realized, you know, her husband didn't deserve. She goes, he doesn't deserve this. And that just stuck with me. And I was just thinking, my kids don't deserve this.

[Andrew Semless]

That's really great for a wife to say, too.

[Paul Verze]

Oh, no, no. She's. She's like. But that was like out of all the self help stuff that I've read and all that, like, that keeps reoccurring in my brain like, bill, people don't deserve this. Shut up.

[Andrew Semless]

You know what I noticed about myself, though? As much as I'm a sports fan and you know, I'm a huge sports fan, I don't. I just. When my team loses, I kind of look, I take it and I. Dude, I was on the airplane on the way here, by the way, I'm in Sacramento. That's why I look like this. Everybody. I'll be at the Sacrament Sacramento Punchline tonight and Cobbs in Sacramento and then Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco tomorrow. But, dude, I'm Sitting on the plane and there's a guy in front of me. So like I'm window. And then he's aisle in front and I'm seeing his TV and he's watching the Yankee game. He's a big Yankee fan and he just gave a fuck on the level. That made me go, am I that he was just like. And like he was trying to be quiet. And then the Yankees got like two runs.

[Bill Burr]

He's going.

[Andrew Semless]

He's like looking around. People are looking at him and it's like, I like, I like it, but I don't get, like, it doesn't do to me what it does to like my son or some people.

[Paul Verze]

And I guess I was that guy. I just. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing to give. It's also a. You just say it's like dating a fucking stripper to use that thing. Because it's just like you have a 1 in 32 chance that you're going to end the season happy. And that's if you're with a franchise that has sort of caught a wave. They got the right owner, the right gm, the right manager, the right guys, the right chemistry. So much has to go your way just to get there, to maybe win it. You know what I mean? I don't know, dude. Like Aaron Boone, it's just fucking unreal. It's like the guy brought you guys to the World Series last year. It's just like there's nothing he can do. People just dump their day on that guy. And it's like, you know, this guy has done, you know, he's done a good job. I don't know what, like, I don't know. People just like, you know, after the fact, why did he leave this guy and he should have done this, you know? And I don't know, some people say he's not even managing it. It's just fucking analytics. I don't know. But I feel for that guy. I've been there, Paul. Yeah.

[Andrew Semless]

All right, man. Well, let's get into the picks right now. For week number five, we have a. This is the worst one that I've seen. This is a. I don't like these lines. These are the worst lines I've seen. It's week five.

[Paul Verze]

I got one out of the gate that I love. Do you.

[Bill Burr]

I got one that I love. Wait a minute.

[Andrew Semless]

We have a. This is an odd.

[Paul Verze]

So.

[Andrew Semless]

And this is five, so you go first.

[Bill Burr]

Okay.

[Paul Verze]

All right, Paul, there's something about this Thursday night game. Oh, I remember hearing some time ago that when the coaches only have four days to plan, they have simple game plans. Okay? So I think if, if, if Sirianni had a whole week to plan, I like seven and a half. I'm sorry, I'm not. Not the Eagles.

[Bill Burr]

Sorry.

[Paul Verze]

If, if. What's his face? Who's that guy? Who's that coach there for the Rams?

[Andrew Semless]

McVeigh.

[Paul Verze]

McVeigh. Yeah. If McVeigh had a week to really utilize all of this stuff and his guys had all this time to heal up, it's the half point that I don't like. So I'm thinking because it's Thursday, I can see him winning by a touchdown, right? I think it's, you know, division rivalry. They're always fucking close. And now it's eight and a half. I got an old line here. I like it even better. 49ers, eight and a half. I love this pick. Okay, Paul, this is a guy that's won like two games this year telling I. Paul. Paul. I love that car, Bill.

[Andrew Semless]

I'm like two games better.

[Paul Verze]

That's how bad I am.

[Andrew Semless]

I love that.

[Paul Verze]

Just picture Jimmy the Gent listening to my picks. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? All right. Yeah, I like the 49ers 8 1/2. I'm pretty confident about that. I don't know why. I'm not saying it's going to happen, but I feel really good about that. Paul, I like that pick.

[Andrew Semless]

That's a lot of points with a good team. For my pick, this is a no brainer. This is a Paul Verze special. If there was ever a Paul Verze pick in the history of the show, this is what it is. And it's simple. It's a great Chargers team losing a close game to the Giants and they're coming home against the Commanders and. And they're under a field goal. I'm taking that every day. And Sunday at a day, I'm taking it.

[Paul Verze]

So.

[Andrew Semless]

So I'm going to take Justin Herbert and the Chargers to bounce back after losing to the Giants and beat the Washington Commanders minus two and a half.

[Paul Verze]

All right, here's the Sirianni game against Sean Payton. Broncos Eagles. Eagles at home, three and a half. I know the Broncos are supposed to be good. I mean, I think the AFC west good. I don't think the NFC east good. Three and a half. I like the Eagles. I feel like, you know, whatever hangover they had about the super bowl and shit, they want to Win another one. I think he's got them going. I think they cover.

[Andrew Semless]

I like that. And I like the confidence you had.

[Paul Verze]

In that pick, Paul. You know, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, so I'm a little bleary eyed. Do we. Do I fucking. My. My basement flooded last night when we were asleep.

[Andrew Semless]

Oh, dude.

[Paul Verze]

I was happy, though. I ran outside in wet slippers and knew exactly where to shut the water off. But the pipe had already burst. The pipe had already burst. I don't know how, like, how many hours before I got. I got rugs in my backyard drying. I mean, it's just. It's a show. It's a shit show. All right. Sorry. No, all good.

[Andrew Semless]

I'm going to take the Ravens. I'm going to take the Ravens plus two. The Ravens just aren't winning and they're losing these heartbreakers and they have to turn it around or they're going to be in trouble. I like. I like Lamar Jackson and them getting two.

[Paul Verze]

Oh, Jake.

[Andrew Semless]

We didn't bring Jake in. Jake, we got to do a little. Give me the Ravens, but Jake come in here and give us a little injury report.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, it's good timing, Paul, because Lamar Jackson's probably be out for that game, so may. May want to proceed with caution there.

[Paul Verze]

Yeah, Jay coming in like a superhero. Yeah, dude.

[Andrew Semless]

That's why I called you in.

[Paul Verze]

Back up onto the sidewalk, Paul, as that bus was coming.

[Andrew Semless]

So we are gonna. We are gonna scratch the Ravens.

[Paul Verze]

Who else? Who else?

[Andrew Semless]

Do we have injuries, Jake?

[Jake the Snake]

Well, the Niners have some injuries, too, and that's why we've seen that line shoot up. But I think Bill made a good point. Like, it's still Thursday Night Football. Maybe the Niners can kind of hang in there with Mac Jones starter. So Mac Jones is starting quarterback this week. And then I don't know if you guys saw, but Tyree Kill is out for the season as well. That injury he had on Monday Night Football is very disgusting.

[Paul Verze]

Glad I didn't see that.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, yeah, you don't want to see that.

[Paul Verze]

Uniforms also that look like they were advertising new, like Crest with charcoal. That's what it looked like. It looked like some bootleg toothpaste outfit. I didn't mind the helmets, but those jerseys were. That was a tough one.

[Andrew Semless]

And Malik Neighbors out for the year.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, that was terrible. And that Charger Giants, I don't like.

[Paul Verze]

That 49ers pick with Matt Mac Jones again, but I'm gonna stick with it because it makes no sense.

[Jake the Snake]

Exactly. That's why I kind of. You convinced me. As I was watching you make the pick, I was like, you know what? He's making some good points. So anyway, Yeah.

[Paul Verze]

I just think it's going to be a simple game plan.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Verze]

I don't know. It doesn't make any sense.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Paul Verze]

You know, in defense of Matt Jones, I made that face. I mean, now that I've seen your boy out there with the Colts with an offensive line, he's a completely different guy. So, I mean, it wasn't like Mac Jones was. Was playing with the best Patriot team, so who knows?

[Andrew Semless]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah. And since Paul brought up the Charger Commander game, Jane Daniels is returning to the game, so that'll be an exciting matchup for sure.

[Paul Verze]

But Daniel Jones. That's what I was trying to say.

[Bill Burr]

Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

He's all of a sudden looking like a superhero with the Colts. Pretty.

[Paul Verze]

Jake. I've never been more wrong. Yep.

[Jake the Snake]

I found the same.

[Paul Verze]

But Paul.

[Jake the Snake]

Paul was trying to tell us.

[Paul Verze]

All right. Well, he was. Well, Paul was trying to tell us.

[Andrew Semless]

Thank you, Jake. I'm gonna change the pick from the Ravens, and you know what?

[Paul Verze]

I'm take the.

[Andrew Semless]

I'm gonna take the Dolphins minus one and a half versus the hapless Carolina Panthers.

[Jake the Snake]

Change it to the Dolphins. Nice.

[Andrew Semless]

I'm gonna take the Dolphins minus one and a half. Dude, come on.

[Paul Verze]

Only one and a half point favorites. Even with Tyreek Hill out, there's still only one and a half. That's surprising. I like that pick, Paul.

[Andrew Semless]

Thank you.

[Paul Verze]

From a guy who's 2 and 12. I like that pick. Whatever the.

[Joe Bartnik]

I don't even know what I am. All right.

[Paul Verze]

I don't understand this Patriots Bills line.

[Jake the Snake]

How do you feel about that game going into Sunday Night Football?

[Paul Verze]

You know, I think we have a long way to go. I don't think we're ready to beat a team like the Bills. And I think we gotta, like, points. I think we can hang with them for a half, but then I'm worried they try to, like, burn out the clock in the end. And then they go from being up by like 14, and then we get like a garbage time field goal. Something happens that just has backdoor cover written all. I. I'm too. That. I don't like that number. I. I thought that number should have been about 10. Wow. The fact that it's eight, I feel like they know something that I don't, which is not easy. It's not hard to do. So I'm actually gonna take.

[Bill Burr]

I don't know.

[Paul Verze]

I like The Cowboys minus two and a half. Is there any injuries over there? Going against the Jets, Cowboys will be.

[Jake the Snake]

Down their top receiver, CD Lamb, but.

[Paul Verze]

As you saw on Sunday last week. Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

And they had no problem moving the ball up and down the field.

[Paul Verze]

So how about that catch that guy running out of the end zone. Running up just right on the sideline and falling down. Oh, my God. CD Lamb was impressed. Forget about out of shape comedian Bill Burr. I'm going to take the Cowboys going into the Meadowlands against the fucking jets. Who are. I don't think they're. I don't think they're as bad as their record, but I think the Cowboys are a better team and they can win by field goal. Yeah, you gotta admit, Paul, my bullshit sounds good this week. I really sound like I know what I'm talking about.

[Andrew Semless]

I mean, I'm not gonna lie. You sound fucking ready and prepared.

[Paul Verze]

No, this is PTSD from the fact that my basement is underwater now. I don't care about anything. Full. Full disclosure. I don't care about anything. Fuck it.

[Andrew Semless]

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna put on my fucking big boy pants. The fucking Saints stink. They're the worst team in the league. The Giants are getting points and the Giants are coming off of a win. The Giants defense is tops in the league. Defense wins games. I'm gonna take a better defense and a hyped up new quarterback which has the fucking locker room psyched against the hapless New Orleans Saints. Giants.

[Paul Verze]

I like that pick. I hate that the Saints are so. I love when the Saints were good. How serious New Orleans and how great are those sports fans? They're the best.

[Bill Burr]

And.

[Paul Verze]

And also I love. You know, they didn't knock down the Superdome and it. What movie was that, Bill?

[Andrew Semless]

He goes, why say no when it feels so good? Say yes.

[Paul Verze]

I don't know.

[Andrew Semless]

Oh, my God.

[Bill Burr]

The guy.

[Andrew Semless]

Tommy Boy. The dad.

[Paul Verze]

I gotta watch that again. I haven't seen that.

[Andrew Semless]

You know who I'm talking about? No. Bill, he was the cop in First Blood.

[Joe Bartnik]

Oh, God. Dude, I. I don't.

[Bill Burr]

Ryan Dennehy.

[Andrew Semless]

Dennehy.

[Paul Verze]

Oh, Brian.

[Bill Burr]

Brian Dennehy.

[Joe Bartnik]

He goes.

[Andrew Semless]

Because he was a good salesman. And he goes, why say no? They were drinking at the wedding. He goes, why say no when it.

[Bill Burr]

Feels so good to say yes?

[Paul Verze]

All right, Paul, now, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm in the weeds now. I'm in the weeds. I don't know what to do, you know? Is Baker Mayfield playing?

[Jake the Snake]

Yes, he is.

[Paul Verze]

All right, fuck it. I like Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers. I've been going down there, Paul. I've been going down to the DMZ. This year hasn't been working out for me. The NFC south, dmz. I don't know what goes on there. I don't know who their mayors are. I don't know anything about that part of the world.

[Jake the Snake]

I'm right there with you. I took Atlanta against Carolina. They lost 30 to nothing. So I don't know. I don't know what's going on there either.

[Paul Verze]

Wait, Carolina beat Atlanta 30 to nothing? Yep.

[Joe Bartnik]

Yep.

[Jake the Snake]

Brutal. I, I don't think I've been more wrong about anything in my life.

[Paul Verze]

Wow. I was too busy watching that Colts Rams game. Like, oh, I had to go for a walk.

[Jake the Snake]

I get it.

[Paul Verze]

What did I just want? I just watched the team win a game three times and then let up an 88 yard touchdown to lose it. Like, I don't understand. Or what about that stupid Cowboys, packers game, all of that bullshit. That was the Collinsworth game. Still plenty of time. It's just like, how is there plenty of time?

[Jake the Snake]

I mean, they got the ball at the 35 yard line and these guys, all you got to do is pass midfield and they can kick a field goal. I mean, you know, I don't know.

[Paul Verze]

Yeah, I got to get out of the. Dude, I'm like an old Human beings don't know how to fly.

[Andrew Semless]

Dude, I gotta be honest with you. I gotta say this on the show because it drives me nuts having these guys literally put their lives on the line and having the game be able to come out in a tie is one of the worst things in sports. It's like, just go back, let a guy put. I don't understand. Oh, we're gonna do one 10 minute period or whatever and then if it ends like that, it's like, no, let the, let the field goal kicker. Let it end where one of the, these guys are battling for 60 minutes, dude. And then all of a sudden 4040. It was a game like that needs to have a fucking winner. There, I said it. I'm done. I just can't.

[Paul Verze]

Fuck it.

[Andrew Semless]

Any tie? No ties.

[Paul Verze]

I like the metaphor of a tie.

[Andrew Semless]

Why?

[Jake the Snake]

What's that mean?

[Paul Verze]

Because it's just life, you know, just two sides kicking the shit out of each other. In the end, nobody wins. What are we doing? We should all be working together. Hey, Bill, Bill. Never did, never did. No, I, I, my thing is in, in like combat sports, like boxing and stuff like that's. Literally like. And if it's a brutal fight and you know some of those trainers and those guys that little fought before, it's like that, that fight literally took like probably a year off those guys lives. And you're not going to say, but I mean, what about the other side where. Okay, well I just took a year off my life and I lost.

[Andrew Semless]

I know. Well, that, that Arturo Gotti, Mickey Ward fight, that one, that one I could see in the tie because both of those guys, nobody could lose that one.

[Paul Verze]

Yeah, I don't know that, that's like, that's just a whole other. It's a whole other level, dude.

[Andrew Semless]

That was the first time that a fight looked like a Hollywood movie with makeup and blood. I've never seen anything.

[Paul Verze]

Oh yeah, it was like Stallone wrote it. It was amazing.

[Andrew Semless]

It was fucking incredible, dude.

[Paul Verze]

Yeah, I enjoyed it.

[Andrew Semless]

Italian, Irish guy, just fuck him. Mopping the floor with each other was amazing. All right guys, before I do my fourth and final pick, wait, does Bill have three Bill's houses?

[Paul Verze]

Oh, I got, I got four. Four Hail Marys. All right, well, left column.

[Andrew Semless]

Before I do my final pick, we got a shout out our sponsor. It's BetMGM everybody. You guys know the deal. If you want to join us on the BetMGM app, all you do is download the BetMg BetMGM app to your device and use our code Burr B U R R and you put as little as $10 in your first deposit and you make your first wager. If that wager loses, you will get fifteen hundred dollars back in bonus bets. We also have the first touchdown bet, which is kind of fun. You pick any player in any NFL game to score the first touchdown and if they do, you win. If they don't but get the second touchdown, you will get your cash stack back.

[Paul Verze]

It's that easy.

[Andrew Semless]

As we always say, we do this for fun. We love football, we love picking games, we love talking shit about it. Just bet responsibly and have a good time with it. For my fourth and final pick.

[Paul Verze]

I.

[Andrew Semless]

Am going to take.

[Paul Verze]

I love that dramatic pause.

[Andrew Semless]

I'm going to take the Kansas City Chiefs. I don't like to have a point, but I will say this, and you know me, I'm not the biggest Chiefs guy. I thought, I thought Mahomes made some passes to some younger receivers last game. I like the three. I like it at three. I don't love it at three and a half, but I think they're better than the Jaguars. I'm going to Take them in my last game. I think that now if. If the Chiefs are turning it around, if they're doing one of these, I think it starts now against the Jags. So it should be more than three and a half.

[Paul Verze]

I hope that isn't happening. And if it does happen, can we just talk about the team? Jesus Christ. Yeah. All right.

[Andrew Semless]

Well, Bill, you know what time it is, Bill? It's time for you to sing.

[Paul Verze]

Let the Monday nights special win some money for you. Let the Monday night special win some money for you.

[Andrew Semless]

We are two and two.

[Paul Verze]

We are two and two. Chuck Woolery be back in two and two. Rest his soul.

[Andrew Semless]

Two and two, rest his soul. All right, what do we got here for Monday night?

[Jake the Snake]

We have Chiefs and Jaguars.

[Paul Verze]

Ooh. I like what you were saying, Paul. Chief's money, what you were cooking.

[Andrew Semless]

I feel like let's definitely take chief's money line. That's money in the bag.

[Jake the Snake]

Oh, yeah, it's true.

[Paul Verze]

Money in the bank, Paul. Hey, I'm Italian. I don't trust banks.

[Unknown (Wayne's World clip)]

Hey.

[Andrew Semless]

Hey, Andrew. There's the clip. There's the clip of the week. There's money in the bank, I think.

[Paul Verze]

All right.

[Andrew Semless]

I like. I like the chief's money line. I just think. Think they're. They're a better team.

[Jake the Snake]

Dude.

[Andrew Semless]

Travis, Kelsey. Travis. Kelsey just isn't the same.

[Paul Verze]

He's not.

[Andrew Semless]

He's not really. Not getting ranking up some numbers is.

[Jake the Snake]

He just looks a lot slower. I mean, it's easy to say from a couch, but like. But it just doesn't. It doesn't feel the same as it. As it was. I guess this is like the first time I felt that.

[Paul Verze]

Are you saying the honeymoon phase is over?

[Jake the Snake]

It might just be beginning for him.

[Paul Verze]

Hey, Paul. Paul, Paul. She's singing again.

[Joe Bartnik]

We. We gotta go outside.

[Paul Verze]

She's singing about heartbreak. I mean, what else does she sing about? I mean, just.

[Andrew Semless]

No, dude, that would be so funny if he goes.

[Paul Verze]

She always gets like. She always gets like this right before tortoise. Taylor.

[Andrew Semless]

Taylor, I'm doing a show.

[Paul Verze]

Dude, can you sing?

[Bill Burr]

Just.

[Andrew Semless]

He just comes back, he goes, God, just fucking can't.

[Paul Verze]

And then.

[Andrew Semless]

It's never.

[Paul Verze]

We talked about this, respecting each other's careers. I'm gonna hear about that later.

[Andrew Semless]

But I. I can't. I can't deal with it. All right, Chiefs money line. Mahomes to throw one.

[Jake the Snake]

You do my homes to throw multiple. Maybe, or. I mean, but I mean, what do.

[Andrew Semless]

We think about Trevor Lawrence there with those nice long locks of his?

[Paul Verze]

Ah, Trevor Lawrence. Is he's he's the. Whatever. The. The alpha and the omega.

[Bill Burr]

The.

[Paul Verze]

The antithesis of the Anything Better podcast.

[Jake the Snake]

You can do that. You can do him and turn it over.

[Joe Bartnik]

Maybe.

[Jake the Snake]

Maybe etn the running back for the Drags to score a touchdown. He's had a good year. Those are kind of the options.

[Paul Verze]

Okay. My thing, I would do Mahomes to throw one. They got that. They got. Is it Pacheco? Who do they got at running back? I always forget that. That guy is just like. Now that guy I like. Yeah. God damn it, Paul. There's a guy in a Chiefs that I like. I like that guy. That guy's a football player. They're all football players. It's just out of, you know.

[Jake the Snake]

No, the hard running. Yeah.

[Andrew Semless]

So I like Mahomes to throw one Chiefs to win the game outright. And then what do you want the third one to be, Paul?

[Paul Verze]

This is it.

[Bill Burr]

This is it.

[Paul Verze]

It's going to be a 12 yard loss. It's going to be a 12 yard loss and then he does this. It runs out of bounds.

[Andrew Semless]

You want to do 18 touchdown.

[Jake the Snake]

I mean.

[Paul Verze]

I would do the money line Mahomes to throw one and I don't know about. I don't know, I just. But that Pacheco kid always seems like he gets him down the field and then somehow my home scampers in. Yeah, scampers and. Or he does a. Some sort of the way he throws it. You know, whatever that is you want to do. Okay, how about this?

[Andrew Semless]

This will make the odds better. Do you want to do an all Chiefs parlay? You want to do Mahomes to throw one, Mahomes to run one and then the Chiefs to win or.

[Paul Verze]

No, say that again.

[Andrew Semless]

Mahomes to throw one and run one.

[Paul Verze]

And then the money line. Yeah, yeah. To me that's a Chiefs game. That's what I. I see that every fucking chief game, win or lose, he does that.

[Andrew Semless]

Write it up, Andrew, write it up. There you go. We got the Chiefs to win. We got Mahomes to throw and Mahomes to run. And you know what? If they're on the one or two, he will try to sneak in, so.

[Joe Bartnik]

Exactly.

[Jake the Snake]

Hey, Paul, since you're riding with the Chargers like this came in the mail. It's Jim Harbaugh, little bobblehead here. So there you go riding with them.

[Paul Verze]

Nice.

[Andrew Semless]

All right. That's a season ticket holder gift, right?

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah, exactly.

[Andrew Semless]

Jake loves that gift.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, I have bobblehead, so I was like, it kind of fits.

[Paul Verze]

Well, wait, you have season tickets we do. Yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Yeah.

[Paul Verze]

I mean, that's kind of a. That's kind of a light prize. No, I know.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake the Snake]

Well, I mean, of course that's how they do it.

[Paul Verze]

We could afford a down payment on a house for season tickets to the charges. They give you a bobblehead. They.

[Jake the Snake]

The worst one they gave us is this hoodie tank top thing. I don't know if you've seen those before. That was like. I was like, oh, my God. That's. That's straight in the garbage.

[Paul Verze]

Gave you a hoodie. Yeah. You know what? I. I don't know. I kind of like the AFC west, though, with all those coaches in that. It's fun this year. All right, well, we did it, Paul. We got through another one.

[Andrew Semless]

All right, well, enjoy week five, everybody.

[Paul Verze]

You have the.

[Andrew Semless]

You have the Monday Night special. You have our picks. Download the app, put $10 in, use our code burr. You get $1500 back in bonus bets. If the bet loses and you know the first touchdown, you pick anyone to get a touchdown in the first. Anyone to get the first touchdown of any NFL game you win. If they don't but get the second, you'll win your cash back. That's actually a great deal. Have fun with that. If you're in Sacramento tonight, I will be there. The great Joe Bartnik will be with me. We'll be at the Punchline tonight in Sacramento and tomorrow Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco. And then your boy is flying back to New York. I have more dates. Buffalo the 16th, Toronto the 17th. Go to my website, all that stuff. And what else? I think we did it. And I think the Giants need. Oh, and listen, I want the Yankees to win, but good luck to you.

[Paul Verze]

Both of us.

[Andrew Semless]

Look, Boston guy, New York guy, big night for us. So you know what? We tip our caps to the better pitcher and a better team tonight. Whoever does it, does it. What can you do?

[Paul Verze]

Yeah, I'll be looking for the text. Either way, I love my kids too much to watch. I just. I can't. I can't do it. I can't do it to them. Paul.

[Andrew Semless]

We can't have it.

[Paul Verze]

You know, we gotta have. You know, instead of the concussion tent, they should have a tent in the backyard. You sit there as your dad. You watch the. The cave, and it's soundproof, so the kids can't hear. Then you come up. Why is that? Why is Dad's head all red?

[Andrew Semless]

Dude, an anger tent.

[Paul Verze]

It's a sauna. He took. He took a stave in there.

[Andrew Semless]

An anger tent is so funny.

[Paul Verze]

Oh, there you go. Anger tent. How the. Can you call that.

[Bill Burr]

Shaking?

[Andrew Semless]

All right, guys, enjoy NFL week number five. And the Anything Better podcast will be back next week. For Bill Burr, Jake the Snake, and Andrew Semlas, I'm Paul Verze.

[Paul Verze]

We'll see you guys next week. All right, take it easy, Sam.