World Cup Takes, Creation, End Times | Monday Morning Podcast 7-16-26

Summary

Monday Morning Podcast: World Cup Takes, Creation, End Times

Date: July 16, 2026
Host: Bill Burr (with cameos from Steve Byrne, Versi, Sydney Sweeney)
Production: All Things Comedy

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Overview

In this episode, Bill Burr delivers his trademark comedic rants on everything from the 2026 World Cup, English soccer history, and gym culture, to existential musings about humanity’s place in the universe and end-times scenarios. True to form, Bill weaves in his personal stories, social commentary, and reflections on technology, all while keeping the tone irreverent and self-deprecating. As ever, listeners are treated to advertising reads that are as hilarious as they are off-script, plus some classic banter on relationships, masculinity, and conspiracy theories.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. 2026 World Cup Rants & English Football Culture

• Argentina vs. England (and Spain):

  • Bill mocks the English reaction to Argentina’s win, especially the complaints about Messi and referee favoritism.
    • “I can’t tell if Argentina is cheating or if they’re just like the Patriots back in the day. They keep winning, so everybody fucking hates them.” (02:25)
  • He jabs at England’s self-image, poking fun at their “Bring it Home” slogan and single World Cup win.
    • “Congratulations to Argentina… My condolences to the English fans. But I did get a kick out of finding out you guys had only won one World Cup. They’ve only won it once. And they keep saying we gotta bring it home, like it rightfully belongs in England. I don’t know, it’s just that Caucasian fucking attitude…” (03:20)

• New York Sports Attitude Parody:

  • Bill riffs on New Yorkers' bravado compared to their actual sports accomplishment, especially referencing the Knicks and Jets.
    • “It’s 90% attitude, 10% accomplishment… You can get famous on back-to-back good games in fucking New York City.” (04:10)
    • “Congratulations to the New York Knicks. Jesus Christ, you talked a century worth of shit and you finally fucking won one… you still have less than the Miami Heat.” (05:50)

2. Gym Stories, Leg Day, and Masculinity

• The Importance of Leg Day:

  • Bill and Versi mock men who ignore leg workouts in favor of upper body glam–“You can’t shoot a cannon out of a canoe.” (08:13)
  • Vivid depictions of 1980s-90s gym culture, steroid use, and the confusion of competing against guys on ‘the juice’ or coke.
    • “Back with the original steroids, the ones that made you angry… you’d be walking around the gym being like, why the fuck is everybody so much bigger than me?” (10:02)

• Life Lessons from Roided-Out Gym Rats:

  • “If you didn’t do steroids and he didn’t do cocaine, you were confused for a few weeks…” (10:27)

3. Existential Musings, Creation, and End Times

• Reading “A Short History of Nearly Everything” sparks thoughts on:

  • The scale of human history vs. the universe: “If you put the universe on a 24-hour clock, humanity did not arrive until 11:51pm…” (13:36)
  • Bill’s skepticism towards religious literalism:
    • “It makes religion hilarious. Not saying there’s not a God, not saying there’s somebody who didn’t slap this together in six days… What I am saying is there was a whole bunch of creation before we came along…” (15:01)
  • Human vanity and self-importance compared to the resilience of alligators, turtles, and insects.
    • “Alligators, crocodiles… they’ve been around… Some of these insects… There, some of them little creepy crawlies.” (15:56)

• On Global Warming, Species Extinction, and Human Legacy:

  • Bill acknowledges climate change and how humans might “be the first animals to create our own extinction.”
    • “It’s not like fucking dinosaurs were going around driving buses… We might be the first animals here to create our own extinction.” (22:20)
  • Darkly comic musings on which species might survive nuclear meltdown:
    • “Cockroaches, alligators, and maybe turtles…” (23:19)

4. Helicopter Flying Adventures & Midlife Reflections

• Bill recounts recent helicopter technical mishaps, near-misses with Air Force jets, and the constant surprise and education that comes with piloting.
  • “Aviation is super safe. So if one person, just one person has corrosion there, they have to check every single one of them…” (17:04)
  • The segment ends with personal growth and a wry self-assessment:
    • “Oh, Billy’s in a fucking really good place, man. Mentally… I did another breathwork massage, cried out some more shit… I am a fucking peach to be around.” (16:35–17:04)

5. Technology, Privacy, and Modern Annoyances

• Bill laments constant changes in technology & data privacy:
  • “Can you imagine if you actually read the file on yourself that these corporations have, like the amount of fucking information they have about you… Not to mention they’re probably watching you through that little fucking camera on the TV too.” (56:49)
  • Sarcastic commentary on aging, consumer culture, and pointless accumulation of stuff:
    • “That is just a bunch of shit I’m gonna have to throw out one day… I want to dress like Malcolm Young, rest his soul, the rest of my life. Jeans and a plain T-shirt.” (62:20, 63:43)

6. Listener Questions & Classic Bill Burr Riffing

• European tour teases (including Warsaw, Berlin, Slovenia), with tongue-in-cheek geography and self-effacing humor.

  • “If I get close to your fucking country, you know, just jump on a fucking train and go over once. Your papers, please. You know, I mean, how fucking far am I supposed to travel, you cunts?” (70:00)

• Long tangent about the history and theft of the original World Cup trophy:

  • Dramatic reading of Wikipedia: “The original Jules Rimet trophy was stolen in 1983 and never recovered… You can't tell me that guy's not a fucking legend.” (93:15–94:00)
  • “They went to Home Depot and bought some screwdrivers and stole the biggest sports trophy in the fucking world. What a simple time.” (93:55)

• Banter on being accused of political bias ("Republican douche" / "liberal softie" / "centrist"):

  • “It all depends on who the fuck I’m talking to… I also don’t think I have all the fucking answers. So if that makes me—I don’t know what the fuck that makes me.” (90:00)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On English sports fandom:

  • “You won once, like the New Orleans Saints. You won once fucking 60 years ago. Going to bring it home? What the fuck are you talking…” (04:07)

• On leg day:

  • “You can’t shoot a cannon out of a canoe.” (08:13)

• On existential humility:

  • “We might be the first animals here to create our own extinction. We don’t need to wait for a meteor or a giant volcano or fucking whatever’s gonna happen. We’re just gonna kind of do it to ourselves…” (22:15)

• On global warming deniers:

  • “But it’s not like dinosaurs were going around driving buses.” (21:36)

• On privacy in the digital age:

  • “Can you imagine if you actually read the file on yourself that these corporations have…” (56:49)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• World Cup Rant – England vs. Argentina/Spain: (02:25–07:40)
• Gym Culture & Leg Day: (07:41–12:00)
• Existential Book Reflections – “A Short History of Nearly Everything”: (13:36–16:35)
• Personal Healing & Helicopter Mishaps: (16:35–21:16)
• Global Warming & Human Self-Destruction: (21:27–23:34)
• Consumerism & Tech Paranoia: (56:49–63:57)
• Classic Movie Recommendations & Listener Q&A: (100:00–104:20)

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Tone & Style

• Language: Profane, raw, direct, and unapologetic.
• Humor: Dry, sardonic, self-deprecating, with playful aggression.
• Structure: Discursive and story-driven, mixing personal anecdotes with cultural commentary.

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Conclusion

Bill Burr’s 7-16-26 episode blends sharp sports commentary, acerbic takes on culture and technology, honest self-examination, and end-of-the-world banter. If you want to laugh at human folly while getting a dose of Bill’s hard-earned wisdom, this episode delivers—with a few detours into gym slang, trophy heists, and why you shouldn’t skip leg day.

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For best effect, go back and listen to Bill’s delivery—nobody rants quite like him.

Transcript

[Bill Burr]

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[Steve Byrne]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Steve Byrne]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Steve Byrne]

England.

[Bill Burr]

Bitch. Moaning and complaining. Oh, Messi has the referee. He tells him what to do. Listen, I can't tell if Argentina is cheating or if they're just like the Patriots back in the day. They keep winning, so everybody fucking hates them. And they're like, oh, let's weigh the soccer balls. It seemed to me on that final fucking assist that he faked out, the guy, created some space and put an absolutely perfect ball past like four England defenders. And next thing you know, He was in the back of the net. I don't know. And I got it.

[Steve Byrne]

I have.

[Bill Burr]

I've had been having such a good

[Versi]

time watching the World Cup.

[Bill Burr]

My condolences to the fans of the English fans. But I did get a kick out of finding out you guys had only won world one World Cup. They've only won it once. And they keep saying we got to bring it home. We got to bring like it's rightfully belongs in England. I don't know, it's just, just that Caucasian fucking attitude. Where we're going to go into your country and take your artifacts and put

[Versi]

them in our museum.

[Bill Burr]

World cup is. If it belongs to anybody, it belongs to Brazil, right? They've won five. Okay? You guys, you won once, like the New Orleans Saints. You won once fucking 60 years ago.

[Versi]

Going to bring it home.

[Bill Burr]

What the fuck are you talking.

[Steve Byrne]

I don't even.

[Bill Burr]

It's very New York, I will tell you that. Which New York city people. It's 90% attitude, 10% accomplishment. I mean, if you look at like New York sports, first of all, they got 9,000 fucking teams. Once in a blue moon they win something. But they talk shit every fucking year. And espn, everybody runs with it. I mean, how many fucking times is some fucking guy going to have back to back good games? And they're like, oh, he, they're. They're calling him Freddy Franchise. Oh, Bo, Bodega Bobby, Mikey, Cutlets. Oh, man, genius. And none of them do, none of them do. None of them win anything. Oh, look at this little fucking guy. Point guard for the fucking. The Knicks. Holy fucking shit. Nothing. Nothing. Was it Tyrone? Lou, Remember that guy? Like you can get famous on back to back good games in fucking New York City. You're gonna get a nickname. You're gonna get a big contract. People are gonna be dressing up, you're gonna get on all the talk shows

[Steve Byrne]

and all of this shit.

[Bill Burr]

You won two fucking games back to back Sundays. Then you could be Ichiro Suzuki way out there in fucking Seattle doing, doing everything but fucking making it the sunshine for those people out there. And you know, how much do people bring him up

[Versi]

anyway?

[Bill Burr]

Jesus fucking.

[Steve Byrne]

I've run out of fucking.

[Bill Burr]

I can't even remember the amount of coaches and players specifically in football that have gotten with the jets, that have gotten fucking nicknames over the Years. And the coverage that they've gotten, I mean, God bless Rex Ryan, that guy got more fucking media coverage in his three years or four years with the fucking jets then I think Chuck Noel got his entire career. Oh, he's in defeat yet. He's not going up there to kiss the rings, I'll tell you that. Rex, right, lost. So anyway, haven't said that. Congratulations to the New York Knicks. Jesus Christ, you talked a century worth of shit and you finally fucking won one. So God bless you. Um, anyway, you still, I think, have less than the Miami Heat, but that. Don't let that stop you. Oh, anyway, so, yeah, watching all those English people fucking just, you know, I don't understand. I don't understand bringing it home. Your slogan should be, do you think we'll ever win it again? Are we one and done? I mean, think about it. The last time, these are gonna be rough numbers here. The last time England won it, Mick Jagger was 24 years old and had a brand new baby at home. Now he's 84 with a brand new baby at home. They're still waiting. Pleased to meet you. Let me dump my load.

[Versi]

Anyway.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, Billy gym rat. Oh, Billy not fat.

[Versi]

I just did my leg workout.

[Steve Byrne]

That's.

[Versi]

That's when you know you're back at the gym, when you show up on leg day.

[Steve Byrne]

Okay?

[Versi]

Anybody can show up on vanity day.

[Bill Burr]

Oh, I'm doing my fucking chest, my bi's and tries my fucking neck muscles over here, right?

[Steve Byrne]

Leg day, leg day.

[Bill Burr]

What am I, a fucking soccer mom over here. I'm gonna work out like some fucking broad with three fucking kids.

[Versi]

One of my favorite things I ever heard about why you do leg day. You can't shoot a cannon out of a canoe.

[Bill Burr]

And if that didn't describe 90% of

[Versi]

the men when I was growing up,

[Bill Burr]

everybody had the V. Everybody was yoked up top and down the bottom like

[Steve Byrne]

you just saw, like, oh, wow. This guy was like a little skinny nothing.

[Bill Burr]

You like the legs look like, like seventh grade arms, like their thighs.

[Versi]

It was fucking unbelievable.

[Bill Burr]

They would like break their upper bodies up into two days.

[Steve Byrne]

I can't even remember how we used

[Bill Burr]

to do was just all nose crunchers, fucking curling preacher curls. It was like 20 different curls. You did 20 different thing, you know, incline, decline, no recline, bench. It was just no back. Everyone people did the lat pull down. Dude, fucking Eddie can do the whole fucking stack. And you knew he did the whole stack because he had to drop it on the last one does.

[Versi]

And the whole fucking gym would Shake.

[Bill Burr]

But then every once in a while, there was that one guy that was just full, like roided out, like he

[Versi]

was going for the Mr. Universe.

[Bill Burr]

Like, I still remember going to a

[Versi]

Patriots preseason game and this guy was walking around with no shirt on and like those coaches shorts, you know, those bike ones.

[Bill Burr]

And dude, he looked like the Thing, except with smooth, regular skin. And everyone wanted to make fun of him, but like, the guy literally could have picked up a whole row of

[Versi]

people and throw them down on the field.

[Bill Burr]

And. And that's back. That was back with the original steroids,

[Versi]

the ones that made you angry. You know, the. The fucking horse tranquilizers, whatever the fuck. They're not tranquilizers, whatever the fuck they were taking. You'd be walking around the gym being like, why the fuck am I? Everybody's so much bigger than me.

[Steve Byrne]

You like, you had no fucking idea.

[Versi]

And then one day you kind of parked behind the gym because there was no spots. And then you would just see all these needles and you're like, oh, there you go.

[Bill Burr]

That and cocaine took you. If you didn't do steroids and he didn't do cocaine, you were confused for a few weeks. Like all of a sudden, like, you know, with coke, all of a sudden your friends could just keep drinking and

[Versi]

you're sitting there going, God damn, man.

[Bill Burr]

It's fucking almost two in the morning. It was just like. It was just like fucking 8pm they

[Versi]

were still like 8pm, fucking talking, fucking grinding it. And I finally figured it out. I finally figured it out when each one of them went to the bathroom 17 times between like 8:30 and 1 in the morning. I'm like, oh, these guys are doing blow. That's what it is. Jesus Christ. But you know, it was a good thing, though. It's like playing hoop with somebody that's better than you would elevate your game. So if you're drinking okay, you're clean, drinking clean, and the other person you're drinking with is doing fucking blow. Like your tolerance, you know, just trying

[Bill Burr]

to keep up is.

[Versi]

Is gonna, it's gonna increase.

[Bill Burr]

I mean, if that's what you want

[Versi]

to improve upon, you know, I don't know. I don't know what your deal is.

[Steve Byrne]

I don't.

[Versi]

I don't pretend to know what your goals are.

[Bill Burr]

Anyways, Harry the Hat. Oh, he's gonna be on the center this fucking weekend. And I'll tell you, jets fans are excited. He threw for 300 yards one week. He's already got a nickname and a sandwich named after him.

[Versi]

Anyway, plowing ahead.

[Bill Burr]

So what do we got? We got Argentina and we got Spain. Spania in the final. Who do you like now? If I am to listen to all those soccer. Soccer hooligans.

[Versi]

They're all saying that the refs. That the. The Argentinians got the refs in their back pocket. I mean, I will say that fucking hand of God was ridiculous and that did fuck England, you know, but it's hard to feel bad for a country that colonizes. And I'm including my country too.

[Bill Burr]

My country tis of thee. Give us your oils and other natural resources. Or we'll bomb you and say you're terrorists and say that we're the best. But it's only the upper 1%. Everybody else is cool. That's how the world works. 99% of people are cool. But we're under the 1% and they're a bunch of greedy cunts. Oh really, Bill? Did you break it down, you freckled douche? I'm reading this book right now. I mentioned before, Bill, a Short history of Nearly Everything. And it's made me want to buy a telescope. What, to watch your neighbor? Well, maybe, but other than that, I want to catch these meteor showers,

[Sydney Sweeney]

you

[Versi]

know, it's all like that Neil DeGrasse Tyson stuff. Like if you put the universe on a clock, a 24 hour clock, humanity did not arrive until 11:51pm the entire existence of human beings could be put into that nine minutes. I hate when people have information like that because when they tell it to you, they act like they're somehow like, you know, more in tuned with the universe. Like they're like. They can control the weather at that point and it's just like, no, dude, you just.

[Bill Burr]

Somebody else figured this out and then you read it and now you know, now you're just looking around for some fucking summer school looking kid with a stupid look on his face, like me. And now you're gonna say it to me.

[Steve Byrne]

And then I'm gonna be like, what?

[Bill Burr]

Dude, dude, that guy's like wicked smart.

[Versi]

It is fascinating though. It breaks down like those vents underneath the sea that maybe we came out of that. The continents floating away from each other. How volatile this is, how quickly it can all end.

[Bill Burr]

How.

[Versi]

How many different forms of life have been here and then just went extinct. It's just,

[Bill Burr]

it's. You read this book and it's like.

[Versi]

It makes religion hilarious. Not saying there's not a God, not

[Bill Burr]

saying there's somebody who didn't fucking slap

[Versi]

this together in six Days. I'm not saying that, you know, and then on Sunday, fucking, he laid on the biggest L shaped couch in the universe Just watching SportsCenter. I'm not saying that didn't happen. What I am saying is there was a whole bunch of creation before we came along. So to think,

[Bill Burr]

I think we're just

[Versi]

smart enough to contemplate death. So we needed an answer. And then we're self involved. So we made ourselves way more important than crustaceans and fucking. I mean, look at alligators. Alligators, they just keep, they just keep going.

[Bill Burr]

You can't say that about people. If you're a person, you have too many steak and eggs and you do a couple of lines on the weekend, you might not make it to Monday. But alligators, crocodiles, they've been around for turtles. Some of these insects, you can tell this is fresh knowledge in my head. You see how quickly I, I had three examples and the last one was like some of these insects there, some of them little creepy crawlies, you know, if this is too deep for you guys, I can slow it down.

[Versi]

Anyway, no, it's really fun, so. Oh, Billy's in a fucking really good place, man. Mentally, I did another one of those breathwork massages, cried out some more shit.

[Steve Byrne]

Fucking grunting the anger.

[Bill Burr]

Anger on the right side, sadness on the left side.

[Steve Byrne]

Just getting it out of me.

[Versi]

And I gotta tell you, man, I am a fucking peach to be around,

[Bill Burr]

okay? It's all relative compared to the other

[Versi]

guy that I, I used to be. So anyway, I, I, I flew yesterday. A helicopter, man. It's just not one thing, it's another, you know, I had a alternator belt snapped on me with the design. It was in the middle of the engine. They had to pull the whole engine out. So that cost me a fortune. And then somebody, somewhere in the world, there, some part of the main road or the masters, I don't know where it was, got corroded. Probably because of the environment they're in. I am in the driest environment ever. But aviation is super safe. So if one person, just one person has corrosion there, they have to check every single one of them. So some air directive, whatever the fuck they call it. So I had to bring that in, take that whole fucking thing apart. And of course they found nothing. And now I'm back and the other day I was doing auto rotations in the, the trim thing. All of a sudden the trim thing, is that too deep for you guys? The little button on the cyclic,

[Bill Burr]

All

[Versi]

of a sudden it was just like I felt like I was flying an R22, like it didn't work anymore. So I bring it over to my guy. Of course I set it down, and of course it works. And he's laughing. He goes, this happens all the time. And then he with it a little bit more. Thought it was a wire, and it turns out it's the motor. So I can still fly the thing, but it's like losing your power steering, essentially. But I did have a beautiful flight yesterday, and it was funny as I was coming in. Every time, there's always some new experience. So with helicopters, they let you land a lot of times on taxiways, just because we fly slower, we have the ability to stop, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, these. If there's a lot of people liking the pattern and that. And it's also just gets you out of their way. So I'm coming in. You know, at one point, once they say at your own risk, it's like that means the tower can't see you anymore. So it's up to you and your judgment. You really have to be looking and paying attention. So I'm coming in, and where I'm going to land, there's a plane taxi and going the opposite way. So I'm like, what the. You know, and I'm like, lower to the ground, but I'm still like, like 300ft up. So it's this weird thing where I want to be able to keep my airspeed. So if I do have to, because I don't have enough altitude to nose it down to get my airspeed back. So I can't slow down too much. But forcing you, the guy turns all right, because I didn't want to overfly him. I was just going to cheat over to the right a little bit and then just land beyond him. But I was not going to get myself this. Like this. I forget what they call it, like, the altitude versus your speed. You don't want to be in the dead man's curve. Never fucking do that. So, you know, I don't care if I piss somebody off over flying them. I am not gonna just. Yeah, I don't feel like dying, right? So he gets out of the way. So now I come in, and, you know, I'm looking at my spot where I'm gonna set it down and then bring it over to the transient area. And all of a sudden, like, this Air Force guy, he pulls out his jet.

[Steve Byrne]

Like he's.

[Versi]

He's leaving Ra. And it's like, all right, this is a new one.

[Bill Burr]

And he's like, taxiing. And, you know, the back of his

[Versi]

plane looks like the fucking Batmobile. There's no flames, but it's still the same thing.

[Steve Byrne]

And I'm a little.

[Bill Burr]

I'm a little fucking aircraft by. So that by then, you know, I was gonna hover taxi, which is like

[Versi]

30ft off the ground, and all of

[Bill Burr]

a sudden he's gonna be in front

[Versi]

of me with that.

[Steve Byrne]

And I don't know what this guy

[Versi]

gonna knock me over, what's gonna happen? So I just sort of brought it down and, like, set it down and I let him go. It didn't move me at all, but it's like, I wasn't gonna find out the hard way.

[Bill Burr]

So then he gets out of the

[Versi]

way and then I bring it over and I set it down. And then, you know, my mechanic came out and he's like, all right, I just gotta order. He goes, you can still fly it. I just gotta get the motor.

[Sydney Sweeney]

So.

[Versi]

A new motor.

[Bill Burr]

So there you go. So there's. There's that.

[Steve Byrne]

I got that going on.

[Versi]

It's hot as balls out here, but it's fucking July.

[Bill Burr]

And that's another thing too.

[Versi]

You know, there's a lot of people that. Who deny global warming as being. Because of all this carbon that we're putting into the air and up the balance. The amount of pieces of carbon. And what they. They reference the history of the Earth into these hot and cooling times. But, like, the amount of time that those periods took. And the difference is those were natural. I guess you could make the argument that what's happening now is also natural because human beings are part of nature, but we're creating it. But no one is ever like, you know, it's not like fucking dinosaurs were going around driving buses. So I don't know. But it.

[Bill Burr]

But it also, like, it made

[Sydney Sweeney]

all

[Versi]

the craziness of what's going on right now a little less daunting to just understand that, like, oh, well, we might be the first animals here to create our own extinction. We don't need to wait for a meteor or a giant volcano or fucking whatever's gonna happen. We're just gonna kind of do it to ourselves and. Yeah, and there'll be a few species that survive. And whatever survives, the planet will. Has forever to heal itself. Might be a hundred million years before, like. Because I. I saw this thing one time. If people all fucking died, what would happen? And the big thing was the nuclear reactors. If there was no one monitoring it and keeping those. Whatever those things, the Reactors or whatever.

[Sydney Sweeney]

Cool.

[Versi]

Like, those things would all melt down, poison the seas and all of that.

[Sydney Sweeney]

And

[Versi]

I imagine everything but, like, cockroaches, probably cockroaches, alligators, and maybe turtles, I don't know would be able to survive it and just start over again. I don't know.

[Bill Burr]

It's pretty.

[Versi]

It's pretty goddamn fascinating. But I got, like, on my nightstand, I have, like, 10 books, and it's getting to be, like, clutter, so I've really been off my phone lately, and I've just been reading all of this shit to get rid of them and then give them away. So I'm gonna finish this book. And then I got this Enzo Ferrari book that I think that Michael Mann movie was based on that I really enjoyed. Oh, my God. The fact that Penelope Cruz did not get nominated for a fucking Oscar in that movie is one of the. I don't get it. I don't get it. She was so fucking amazing in that. Anyway, so let's get to the reads here this week. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. I got a bunch of them. So I already told these people, if I got to read this many fucking advertisements, I'm gonna have to keep them funny, or else you guys aren't gonna listen.

[Bill Burr]

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[Versi]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Versi]

I got to get my glasses.

[Bill Burr]

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[Versi]

Oh, fuck, I hope I got hiccup insurance here. What if they never stop? What if I become one of those people you know, and after a while, every hiccup feels like you're getting punched in the throat.

[Bill Burr]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Versi]

So when did your dick stop working? That's a discreet phone call.

[Bill Burr]

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[Steve Byrne]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Versi]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Versi]

You know it's a shit station is. Is when you are basic cable.

[Bill Burr]

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[Versi]

You just like this fucking channel. Let's focus.

[Bill Burr]

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[Versi]

What was that weed when we were growing up? My tie Tie stick. Dude, it's Thai stick. Was always oregano.

[Bill Burr]

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[Versi]

the middle kid between Philly.

[Bill Burr]

Philly and New York City, just waiting to get some fucking recognition. All right? How about those Red Sox, man, huh? They won nine in a row last I saw. I don't know if the streak ended, but it's baseball time, all right? It's also time for me to stop

[Versi]

running my yap again. You can believe it. I'm finally going to shut up.

[Steve Byrne]

All right?

[Versi]

Listen to the music.

[Steve Byrne]

Picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Thus.

[Versi]

And then we have a bonus Episode

[Bill Burr]

of an old school Thursday afternoon just

[Versi]

before Friday Monday morning podcast. That's it.

[Bill Burr]

Have a nice weekend.

[Steve Byrne]

You can't.

[Bill Burr]

Foreign.

[Steve Byrne]

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 16, 2018. What's going on?

[Bill Burr]

How are ya?

[Steve Byrne]

How you doing? It's Sunday afternoon when I'm recording this. I'm still in Seattle, Washington. I've yet to do my shows up here. I'm imagining that there's going to go pretty well. I was in Portland, Oregon last night. Jesus Christ. Great shows, amazing people coming up, you know, even though I teased them a little bit, you know, I was making fun of some of the people in Portland. Do you know what I like? What really amazes me about this generation? Or actually maybe like the PAT, I guess the past 10 years, it's just the amount of that guys do in their 20s and that, like, if I did it back in my 20s, I would get this shit kicked out of me. It's really unbelievable. Is it, Bill?

[Bill Burr]

How about an example?

[Steve Byrne]

I'll give you an example. I was coming over from Portland Airport, by the way, the first time I've ever landed here or ever landed in Portland, I should say, where it was actually just sunny and beautiful. Like, I believe my first aborted landing I ever had was in Portland, Oregon. It was raining and the guy was coming in, there was all this wind shear, and then he just went up

[Versi]

and around again and we were all

[Steve Byrne]

like, dude, what the fuck? I remember this old guy was just like, you know, take as many chances as you need, many times as you need, or whatever. It's like, just get this thing on the ground. Everybody kind of left. So this was the first time. That was way back when I was working hobbies, this comedy club down the

[Bill Burr]

street,

[Steve Byrne]

which is a really interesting gig because the guy who ran it back in the day, you know, he would paper the entire room, which means he would give the show away. So you go in on a Tuesday and the place would be packed with people who, you know, won a comedy show, you know what I mean? So it was weird. It was like doing this giant office party. And you do one Tuesday, one Wednesday, one Thursday, two Friday, three Saturday, and then one on Sunday. And. But the cool thing is I got to hang in Portland all week, check out all these cool places to eat.

[Bill Burr]

Now

[Steve Byrne]

I kind of dip in and dip out, but that's. That, that's an old story. So anyways, we're getting back to what the fuck I saw driving from the airport. From Oregon. From Oregon, from Portland airport, over to my fucking hotel. I swear to God, I saw two guys in their 20s on a bicycle built for two. And then behind the guy, those two guys was another guy. Do you remember those cars when you were a kid? If you had, like, a toy car, you got. Got in it, right? It's made all out of metal, and then you pedaled it. Yeah. This guy had an adult version of that car riding behind the two guys on a bicycle built for two. Now, this might seem harsh and I might seem old school, but shouldn't they be getting the shit kicked out of them? I know in a perfect world, they should be able to do whatever makes them happy, but there's just something about that behavior where you're so begging for attention. You know what I mean? You just can't get on a bicycle. It's got to be a bicycle built for two. It's got to be a little toy car, and you're a fucking adult in it with your goddamn hipster beard. Like. I don't know. I'm really disappointed with the bullies in the millennial generation. You know, You're. You're letting a lot of stuff slide.

[Bill Burr]

Is he advocating bullying? Something,

[Steve Byrne]

A fucking spitball? Anything. I mean, I felt. I just. I was in the middle of the pack when I was in school. I got bullied, and I bullied some kids. You know, I was right in the fucking middle. You know, I was background. I wasn't cool. I wasn't a nerd. I was just one of those people that filled out your class picture. That's all. The fuck I was, you know?

[Bill Burr]

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[Bill Burr]

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[Steve Byrne]

And I just felt like this pressure like that somebody is not doing the job needs to get done. I felt like sticking my head out the window like fucking ogre in that goddamn movie and just be like nerds. Just something. I mean, how as an adult are you supposed to sit there talking to another adult with a waxed mustache and never fucking bring it up? You know, I. I don't know that. I don't know. It's. It's really is like. It's like how bored are you as a fucking person that you have to like become like a character? Like you go back and you watch a beer commercial from the late 70s or early 80s and then you just decide that you're gonna dress like that guy, but you're still gonna be your douchey self, but you're gonna have, you know, his mustache and hairdo and T shirt. It's really fucking weird. I don't know. I don't know. Just the shit that bothers me. I'm having sort of a anger relapse. I was doing so well, and the other day I snapped in the car when this fucking person just, you know, took him, like, nine tries to parallel park. And it actually felt weird to yell in the car because I hadn't in a good three weeks. So I tried to get it in check, but I think I let the fucking genie out of the bottle. So I need to sit down and work on myself again. Because today when we were flying from Portland up to Seattle, you know, we were boarding the plane, and I was in the first group, you know, after people in the military, people with disabilities, people with kids, people with dogs that make them feel like it's okay to fly, people with acne problems. Like, I don't know how many fucking groups there are now before group one boards. Group one is really like group 26 at this point, right? You know, it's Blue Shirt Fridays. Anybody with a blue shirt can now board. Anyway, so we walk out onto the tarmac to board, right? And I see this woman in front of me has stopped. You know, it's like one of these deals where you walk outside to get on the plane, and there's this little zigzag sort of ramp you have to walk up. And she stopped while this flight attendant is helping this other woman up there. So I'm thinking in my head, well, you know, she didn't tell me to stop. So I'm going to walk around this lady. I was kind of being a douche. And I went to walk around her, and she fucking stuck her hand out like that. She told me to wait, and she kind of, like, hit me with her hand. She did, like, the mother thing. And she was like, old, like, white hair and shit. And like, the shit that went through my fucking head. Not initially. When she hit me, I was just surprised. Like, what the fuck? You just hit me? Oh, my God. And the level that I judged her, I was like, is that how you got up into first class, you fucking competitive cunt? You know, meanwhile, I was going to walk around her, and I knew I was supposed to wait and I was being a douche. I just kept playing it over my head that I just wish I walked right through her little fucking stiff arm that she gave me. And I Ended up sitting behind her on the plane. And in my. My. In my. My brain's telling me to hit the back of her chair to rattle her head a little bit, but, you know, the rest of my brain's going, dude, it's an old woman. Why are you letting her get to you like this? And then when we landed, I was thinking, like, she's not married. There's no fucking way any guy's putting up with her. And then I looked, and she had a wedding ring. And I was just like, the fuck is wrong with me? So we're getting off the plane now. We're walking down one of those ramps, and I was actually laughing at myself because I knew I was gonna have to pass her and get into the airport before her, you know, just to somehow make up for that fucking moment, right? How fucking stupid is that? And then I do it. I turn around and glance, look at her. She doesn't even know that I exist. And I wasted all of that energy, you know, and probably took probably, I don't know, 40 seconds off my life with that level of just, you know, it was like, legit hate. Like, I hated this person. I mean, I don't, like, since she fucking touched me, you know, what am I. What are you supposed to do? You know, what, I'm supposed to say? Hey, yell at some old lady. Get your fucking hands off me, lady. Do it again, you'll never bake another batch of cookies. I mean, what exactly am I supposed to be doing there? I just, you know, I created that whole situation. And really, if I'm honest, looking back, I knew that she was flying first class, so she was probably, on some level, a lunatic and a control freak. And I kind of knew that if I went around her, it was going to bug her. I just did not anticipate her giving me the flare chop when I tried to go past her. So I kind of got what I deserved. Oh, man, I can't believe how upset I let that get me. And I created the whole fucking thing. I really am a pathetic human being. But, you know, it makes for a good story.

[Bill Burr]

You know, it helps fill up a

[Steve Byrne]

podcast sitting here in the hotel room, right? Oh, by the way, so I'm at. I'm in the airport, you know, before this lady gave me the flare chop, and the World Cup Final is, like, happening, and I'm taping it at home, and it is so not a big deal in this airport that I can actually walk in public while the super bowl of the world is being played. And no One's. There's no spoiler alert. Nothing. No one had it on. It wasn't on on any tv. I didn't see anybody watching the fucking game on their phone. If I didn't go on Instagram, I wouldn't even know who won. It's fucking insane. But anyways, I guess France won. All right. Congratulations. What do they say? Allez le le bleu. Right? Allez le bleu. Congratulations to France and congratulations to Croatia, a country of, what, 4.1 million people, according to Pete Davidson and his Instagram page. That they got that far was fucking incredible. And I knew I was going to be happy with either person winning. And I obviously love France, and Croatia was the underdog, so I was rooting for them, but I did not see the game. I heard there was an own goal. You know, fortunately, he didn't do that in South America, so I think he has a chance when he gets back to his hometown. But they lost by two goals anyways. The fuck are you going to do? But I did not see it. But I did, in this World cup, become a soccer fan. And I've gone from not giving a fuck to wanting to Google where the next World cup is going to be so I can actually go. And I'll go there with 40 other Americans if our team makes it, and we'll cheer them on until they lose in the first fucking round or whatever the fuck happens. So, anyways, I'm up here in Seattle. Portland and Seattle. Well, you know, two of my favorite cities. What are your favorite cities? Oh, glad you asked. Portland. Seattle. I'd say Seattle over Portland. You know, they're both nice. Portland just has a little more of a hipster douche factor. You know, it was sort of a tie. And then when I saw that guy in the bicycle, the two guys in the bicycle, built for two, with the kid with the kiddie car behind it, I just. I say I fucking can't. All right. You know, then you come up to Seattle and you got the New World Order hippies. I mean, there's a lot up here to kind of be annoyed with, but beautiful cities, lush land, all kinds of water, and that's just amazing up here. San Francisco, Los Angeles, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Chattanooga, Tennessee. These are my favorites. Obviously. I'm from boston, cleveland, detroit, buffalo, pittsburgh. I think that's it. The rest of the towns can all go fucked up, so.

[Versi]

Kidding.

[Steve Byrne]

Tulsa, Oklahoma. What's my favorite one in Texas? I'm going there in two weeks. I'm going to fucking Houston, Texas, in July. As a redheaded bald male, the fuck was I thinking? Houston, Dallas, San Antonio, Austin, College Station, I don't know, it's. They're all kind of the same. It's flat. There's the most shiniest new pickup trucks you've ever seen in your life. I've never seen so many shiny brand new pickup trucks in my four door pickup trucks in my life. They look like they just, they just got taken right off the showroom floor. Can you hear my stomach growling? By the way? I'm having a steak dinner tonight, so I just ate light like an hour and a half ago. I had a soup and a salad. Fucking old bastard. By the way, I'm up to £70 on the lat pull down machine. Huh? You like that? The fucking rotator cup is rehabbing and person helped me out, told me I need to get up to about £120 on that thing and I have to do it really slowly so I don't fucking blow out my shoulder again. If I get up 120, then I can attempt to do four pull ups and I'm back in the game. Because I have a bet with Versi that when I'm 70, I'll be able to do 10 of them and that's not going to be a problem. That's what I'm saying. At 50, we'll see. It's a long 20 years, man.

[Versi]

I'll tell you.

[Steve Byrne]

All depends on how I do it, you know, if I live my life the way I did last month, I won't be able to do two pull ups. I don't even know if I'll be around to do pull ups. If I live my life the way I'm living it this month, you know, I might do 15. I'm crushing it this month with 16 days in old freckles. Hasn't had a drop of booze. Said shutting it down. I like to like shutting it down for a month. Give yourself a good fucking month, then ease myself back into my binge drinking. I can't tell you this though. I have never caught a fucking cold like this cold that I caught in Minneapolis and into whatever the fuck I went after that Detroit. Jesus Christ. This thing has been lingering. I caught it on like June 30th and I was sick for a week and now it's just been lingering like I don't know. I don't know if I need to lay off dairy or something to get the last little bit out of it. Last night I was on stage, I started like coughing My throat was getting all fucking dry. I don't know. I'm sure you guys out there, none of whom are doctors, all have a fucking reason why, you know, maybe I'm just an old bastard. Speaking of that, Speaking of being an old bastard, I put the TV on in this hotel. This hotel's really fucking annoying. You're like, I wanted to order room service. And it's like, where's the menu? Where's the menu? I can't find the menu. So I call them up. They go, it's.

[Bill Burr]

The menu's on the tv.

[Steve Byrne]

So I'm like, okay, all right. Well, I'm not going to get upset. You know, I've been getting too upset lately. Let's just. This is the way the kids do it nowadays. Let's do that. And I go on there, right? And you know goddamn well that the fucking thing is on the TV because. Because they want you to. They want you to order through the tv so they have that information. What's his name? Who is he? How. How old is he? What food does he eat? We've gathered all of this fucking information. What kind of porno does he watch? Did he rent a movie? All of this fucking information. Not to mention they're probably watching you through that little fucking camera on the tv, too. And then they just bundle it all together and they sell it. So I didn't order through the tv. I called instead. That probably got something connected to the phone. It's just funny. Like, it's fucking unbelievable. I would. Can you imagine if you actually read the file, you know, on yourself, that these corporations have, like, the amount of fucking information that they have about you, and if they actually kept the video because they've been. They've gotten busted watching people in the. In their houses watching people in their houses watching tv. What if you're banging your wife, you know? What if you're walking around fucking butt, ass naked? What are they doing? Is that. How is that legal? It's unfucking real, man. These fucking nerds are making robots that you can fuck. They're down there fucking them at the factory, trying them out before they sell it to us. You got these other fucking nerds. They're in the goddamn TV watching you fucking your wife, and there's barely a ripple, barely a fucking ripple. But as a comedian, if you send out a fucking tweet that steps on somebody's toes, all of a sudden there's

[Bill Burr]

like this big fucking dust up.

[Steve Byrne]

If I ever get in trouble for a fucking tweet or anything, like, that's gonna be my defense. Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, guys. I'm not fucking a robot, okay? I'm not bundling your information, watching you banging your spouse through your fucking tv.

[Bill Burr]

Let's have some priorities, huh, ladies?

[Steve Byrne]

Sorry. Getting all amped up here again, you know? All right, so anyway, so I get. I put on the TV to try to find the fucking menu. And this TV is so, like, the only way you can, like change the channel is you have to go back to guide and then go through. I mean, I came. I can't even figure out the fucking tv. This is why I hate technology and why I felt like somewhere in the 90s they just should have stopped. Quality of life was good enough, you know? But this shit where it's just like, I always equate it to reading. It's like, I learned how to read. I didn't have to relearn how to fucking read every six months. But like, with computers and TV and shit, that's what it's like. It's like, hey, I know how to turn on a tv. I know how to operate a tv. And then the next day, oh, wait, no, I don't. Now I have to waste time relearning something that I'd be like, every time you got your fucking car, you didn't have to every six months. Now you don't know how to drive. You have to learn how to fucking drive again. We get it, Bill. You don't like technology. No, I like. I like it to a point. You know, central air conditioning, you know, modern medicine and that type of shit. But I mean, we were. We were all fucking good, right? Until, I mean, what if they really cured the last fucking 20 years? People still die of cancer. People still go bald, you know? You know, people still get hammer toes. Actually, they can fix hammer toes, right? Stop. Hammer toes. Boo. Doo doo doo. Right? They can fix those fucking things, can't they? Anyway, so I get into the fucking hotel here and I saw this hilarious ad for this shit called Ageless Male, you know? And they're like, once you get over the age of 40, your testosterone levels go down and be. Yeah, cuz you're too old to fuck because no one wants to see you with your shirt off because you're fucking old. And now people are taking these goddamn young pills, you know, you want to fuck right into your 80s. You want your dick to stand at attention, you want your balls to support the troops. Get this fucking ageless male, all these fucking morons pumping all this extra testosterone Isn't that how you lose your fucking hair? Isn't it like a testosterone issue? Like, you have too much in there. That's going to be fucking hilarious. All these guys going for abs that had a nice fat of hair. Then they're going to go fucking bald. Now they got to get the fucking hair plugs. It just never ends. I bet the guys who make hair plugs also make ageless male. You know, and they. And they've gotten like, all the bald guys that gave a fuck enough to get hair plugs. They've kind of like, you know, you reach that saturation point. Like, remember Crocs? It's just they ran out of douchebags to find to buy those things, which, by the way, man, I've been like, I told you, getting rid of a bunch of shit. And that's all I see stuff as now. I just look at it like that shit I'm just gonna have to throw

[Versi]

out one day,

[Steve Byrne]

you know, we walk through the airport, Dee Del Rey, who fucking murdered last night. Murdered.

[Bill Burr]

You hear me? Murder.

[Steve Byrne]

He was pointing out some store at the airport that sells records and all this shit. He's like, man, that. He's like, dude, that store kills. You know, Dean talks. He kills, man. People go in there. And I just looked in there, I go, that is just a bunch of. I'm gonna have to throw out one day. I'm done, dude. I'm not taking anything. You know, when I did that show, like last week at the Hooters, upstairs in the big room when I left, they tried to give me a hat and a T shirt. I'm all set. Thank you. All good. Don't need that laying around the fucking house. I got so many goddamn jackets. I don't know how the fuck I have enough fucking jackets. I could clothe every homeless person. That's roughly my size in Los Angeles. The amount of jackets I have. And does anybody. Is there a coat drive? It's fucking July. When's the next coat drive I'm getting? I'm gonna have one winter coat, one fucking spring coat, and then fucking some piece of shit when it rains. That's it. When the fuck did I become coat guy? I. I can't.

[Sydney Sweeney]

I don't even know.

[Steve Byrne]

I think I have, like, fucking 20 coats. Got all this sports shit. I'm done with it. I'm done. I'm telling you right now, I want. I want to fucking dress like Malcolm Young, rest his soul, the rest of my life. Jeans and a fucking plain T shirt.

[Sydney Sweeney]

You.

[Steve Byrne]

You got to get the plain T shirt. I'll tell you why, even though you didn't ask, is you don't have any emotional attachment to it, right? If it says the Andirondack, she, like, oh, that's where I went on my honeymoon when I banged my wife up in the fucking mountains. And you can't get rid of it. But if you fucked her in a plain gray T shirt, you're not, you know, you don't remember that.

[Bill Burr]

And then you know what? You get rid of it. That's what it's all about.

[Steve Byrne]

Look at this sad bowl of fucking vegetable soup. That's the age I'm at now, people. I'm 50 years old and I order a soup and a salad and I eat it. And then right afterwards, I feel like I need a nap. Which is why you need ageless mail. You don't age naturally. Die when you're supposed to and get the fuck out of the way. All right, let me maybe read some advertising here for this week. Shall we? Shall we? Let me read some advertising here. Hotel Tonight. Hotel Tonight is the only booking app you need on your phone. What if you want to book some other shit? If you want to book a fucking stripper for a party, I would think there's an app for that, you know? Anyways, Hotel Tonight partners with the top rated hotels to help them sell their unsold rooms and passes those savings along to you, which means you get great deals for. For great rooms, unlike other hotel booking sites. Hotel Tonight.

[Bill Burr]

Tonight. Tonight, Tonight, Tonight.

[Steve Byrne]

Oh, remember that Phil Collins song, Gonna Make It Right? Tonight, Tonight. You can't tell me someone was in the studio going, like, I don't know, Phil. I don't think that just sounds annoying. It does not sound like a fucking hit. Unlike other hotel bookings. Hotel Tonight. Tonight. Tonight. Oh, doesn't. I'm. There's no way I'm singing that for the rest of this. I apologize. Doesn't. Doesn't have long endless list of a zillion hotel choices. Instead, Hotel Tonight shows you only the best deals at the best hotels. Rooms are categorized to help you find the room that's just right for you. It's like a top shelf one. Okay? They're not going to let you know that Motel 6 has a fucking broom closet available for $3 for the night, that you need another app for that. You know that same app, you can probably get a bag of meth to go into that fucking hotel. Hip, solid, basic luxury. Luxury. Get the room you're looking for it in the right place. At the right price in the 11th hour. But it's not just for last minute bookings. It's perfect for planners as well as procrastinators. I just realized I'm going to a big. I'm going to the Michigan. I think I'm going to go to Michigan, Wisconsin at the big house. This year I need some hotel rooms. Browse your destined desired area with map view searching and get inspired to travel. Perfect for spontaneous weekends. Three day getaways, staycations, the greatest vacation you'll ever take, Road trips, business trips, booking a hotel so you can use the pool, etc. Download the hotel Tonight Tonight Aptoy at oh, they kind of ran out of the copier. Where do I download it? It doesn't say. It says download the Hotel Tonight app toy at T o Y at and with Promo Code Burr B U R r you can get $25 off your first eligible booking. Hotel tonight Promo Code Burr. All right, that's what it is. Hotel tonight Promo Code Burr. Hey. Hotel Tonight Promo Code Burr. Staycations the best. But this is what you do. You don't tell anybody you know that you're staying home. You tell everybody you're going overseas and that your phone isn't going to work. Then you unplug your home phone and you stay at home. You stare at the wall, put on a bathing suit and you fucking drink a bottle of booze. Okay? That's living. All right. Oh, look who's back. Ol Zip recruiter Hiring used to be hard, man. Multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, a confusing review process. But today, hiring can be easy and you only have to go to one place to get it done. Oh. Zip.com Burp ZipRecruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards. But they don't stop there. With their powerful matching technology, ZIP scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invite them and invites them to apply to your job. As the applications come in, ZipRecruiter analyzes each one and spotlights the top candidates so you can never miss a great match. ZIP. Is so effective that 80% of employees who post on zip. Get a quality candidate through their through their site within the first day. With results like that, it's no wonder zip there is the highest rated hiring site in America.

[Bill Burr]

And right now, my listeners can try Zip

[Steve Byrne]

for free at the exclusive web address ziprecruiter.com burr that's ziprecruiter.com one more time.

[Bill Burr]

Zip.

[Steve Byrne]

Dotcomburp ziprecruiter. The smartest way to hire. Oh, look who's here. Me undies. Me undies. Look at your fucking dick. Doo doo doo doo. Me undies. Me undies. It's hanging down nice and quick. Wouldn't it be nice if you had some more balls? Get some testosterone and fuck at the mall. Ageless male and some colorful underwear and then you fucking back in the game. As a World War II veteran, you've definitely heard me talk about me undies. You know, the fun, comfy undies that feel as good as they look. To those of you who haven't tried them yet, listen up. You can get incredible underwear sent to your door with me undies. Meaning no more hunting around for the perfect pair at a crowded store and eventually setting settling for good enough. Meundies are made with a sustainably sourced material from beechwood trees. This underwear is made out of wood, evidently, and somehow it's still nice against your balls. Their naturally soft fiber makes a fabric that won't sag down or ride up unless your balls hang low. Okay, you can't blame the underwear. That's your junk. Trust me, once you put on a pair, you'll get it. Feel free to improvise here about what you love about me undies. Oh, I love the. The colorful way my nuts glow when I walk across the room with a pair of me undies. And if you're already part of the Meundies family, tell your friends about it through their referral program. They'll get you a discount and you'll get a store credit. It's a win. Win. Still not sure. Well, Meundies has a deal for my listeners. First time purchasers can get 15% off their first pair of meundies and free shipping. That's 15% off plus free shipping and a guarantee that you and your meundies will be happy together. I can't see me jerking off in other underwear except this. Meundies, get your butt over to MeUndies.com and treat yourself to get 15% off your first pair. Free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to MeUndies.com Burr that's MeUndies.com Burr. Jesus Christ. There's still two more. Let's give you guys a break. For me reading out loud, we'll go to our first question here. Okay. Eastern European tour. Good afternoon on the July 9, 2018 podcast and around 28 and a half minutes in, Bill briefly mentions an Eastern European tour. I was trying to locate specifics on this and Wasn't able to do. So do you have any information on this or is it just a pipe dream at this stage? Thanks. No, it's a real fucking tour. Let's see here. I don't want to name cities, all right? Because I don't want to get people all, you know, thinking that I'm coming and then I don't. Let me just see what I can do here. Let me find a fucking email. Why doesn't. Why doesn't anything with technology work for me? Why can't I get up to the fucking search bar here? There we go. Okay. Looking for Eastern European tour. Burr. European tour. Oh, no, that's the other thing. Come on, man. This was supposed to be easy, man. All right. Dollar Shave Club, press itinerary. No subject. Is it this one? Okay, These are the ones we were thinking about doing. Okay? I'm not going to say them because I don't want you guys to get all fucking excited and then I don't go. All right, One of them rhymes. Oh, this is a hard one to rhyme with. Ludapest. Another one rhymes with rag. Another one rhymes with Siena, Horsa, Berlin. Maybe I'm going to do Germany. Maybe Cologne. Slovenia, Brussels. And I think we're going to add some more to that. I mean, it's maybe going to. It's going to be in those areas, okay? Because here's the deal, dude, if I get close to your fucking country, you know, just jump on a fucking train and go over once. Your papers, please. You know, I mean, how fucking far am I supposed to travel, you cunts? We'll see. We'll work it out. But I mean, I want to do more dates than that. So we'll see. And this guy, interestingly love, says Poland wants you. Dear Bill, my husband and I have been fans for many years. We love the podcast and of course your specials and all the hilarious and creepy creative content that All Things Comedy is putting out. Great stuff. Look at this. All Things Comedy appealing to people around the world.

[Bill Burr]

World, world, world.

[Steve Byrne]

That's why we're crazy excited about your upcoming Eastern European tour. We live in Europe, Germany and Poland and think you should consider Warsaw, Poland as one of your stops. There's a pretty lively English language stand up comedy scene here. I love it. Check out Worldwide Comedy, Facebook.comWorldwideCo and Twitter.com whatever the fuck that is. Something about Warsaw for some information. The food, beer and vodka are great. Oh, you had me at beer and vodka. You'll see the scars of World War II and Soviet occupation all over the place. For example, on the city streets and highways, driving can be a serious hazard. A Driving with Bill Special Edition episode would be really funny. I could possibly do that for some reason. They wrote WRO like Roarclaw is a great university. I thought they spelled Warsaw wrong. Rorclaw is a great university city with an awesome history, which we know interests you. It used to be called Breslau, and it was one of the Nazi strongholds at the end of World War II. You can Google Fetsung Breslau or Siege of Breslaw for some of the insane backstory. I will definitely be doing that. In fact, the Nazis evacuated the city as the Allies were approaching. They evacuated the citizens to Dresden, Germany, where they were mostly all killed in Allied firebombing. Yeah. In Dresden. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Whoever lost World War II was going to be tried for war crimes. There was all kinds of evil done in that. Also, this is one of the cities where the Solidarity movement started in 1980, which contributed to the collapse of communism. Oh, I remember that guy. The guy with the big mustache. He got you guys all mobilized over there. I forget the guy's name. Plus There are like 400 dwarf statues hidden all around the city. Weird, but cool. Anyways, we hope you'll consider adding Poland to your Eastern European tour. We wish you the best. Thanks for the great content you and the ATC Network are putting out. We love it. P.S. your name in Polish would be either Vilhek or Vilush. Fuck, I can. I can with. Just by those names alone, I can hear the fucking weight that I'm gonna fucking be putting on when I go over there. I can't wait to do it. I've never been there. You know, I'm going to talk to my. To my agent again on Monday about this. I mean, I might as well do as many as I can when the am I ever going to be back? All right, and so here's the deal. I'm going to go over there, and all I need is you cunts better show up, all right? Because I don't be over there eating some fucking bratwurst in fucking Poland in front of three goddamn people going, we were the ones that sent the emails. Nobody else gave a fuck. I was actually going to order a movie here in the hotel room here. And for whatever fucking reason they want. 24, 99 seconds. Nobody's going to the movies anymore, so they're trying to make back the fucking budget of the movie. I actually worked on a movie this week written by and Directed by the one and only Steve Byrne. He got me a couple days on his movie, and old Freckles went down there and I played a cunt, so it wasn't much of a stretch. I wasn't really acting. I just sort of did what the I normally do. Anyways, you know what the great thing about not drinking is? Aside waking up fresh as a goddamn daisy. I mean, my freckles glow when I wake up when I'm not drinking is I got on the plane and I landed and I went down and I worked out and then took a steam and I'm knocking out my podcast here. I would not have done this. Granted, I don't have any crazy stories about going into bars and shit, which kind of feeds the podcast, you know, but at some point, I just have to make a decision here, you know, Am I going to wake up sober with a less funny podcast, or am I going to keep boozing and continue to crush the podcast game? No kidding. I actually have no idea where my podcast is in the overall. I know all these fucking people that do podcasts. Like, I'm the number one fucking. Like, everybody's fucking number one. Everybody has a million fucking downloads, you know, I want to get it. How can everybody be number one? Everybody's in the fucking top 10, dude. I had this guy on as a guest, and it put me in the top 10 on fucking it. Anyways, what the fuck was I just looking up? I want to look up that shit about the fucking Nazis, dude. World War II, the fucking crimes against the shit that you read. Like, the shit that American troops. I read this fucking thing and this guy shot this Japanese soldier and, like, the guy couldn't, like, fucking move. I don't know if he's like, paralyzed and he had gold teeth and the dude was still alive, and the guy took a knife out, was digging the gold teeth out of the guy's mouth while he was alive. And the dude was screaming in agony. The other, another American soldier went up and just shot the guy like, Jesus Christ. Put him out of his misery. Crazy, you know what I mean? But everybody makes movies and everybody on one side is evil, and everybody else, dude, you can't. You can't be involved in that shit with people go nuts, you know, especially. All it is is just. I would think that once, like, look how mad I got at that old lady who gave me the flare chop. Now imagine if I was man enough to join the armed services, right? Armed forces, whatever the you call them. And I'm out there on patrol And I see one of my friends get killed. Like, what kind of mood are you going to be in after that? You know, it's insane. And I swear to God, the more I watch the Discovery Channel and the more I watch chimpanzees behavior, I swear to God, just watch those. Watch what the they do to each other. Watch what they do to other monkeys. And I'm telling you, telling you this. It's. That's what we are. Whenever I watch on tv, I've been sending this for years. I just always think of this documentary that I watch, these chimpanzees and like 10 of them ganged up on this other chimp. They fucking fucked this thing up, did horrible things, agonizing things to this monkey, killed it. Then afterwards, they were all fucking amped up and it was like they were all talking shit about what they did in the fight. So whenever I watch shit on TV and I see like, you know, Trump talking this shit or that fat fuck over there in Korea running his fucking. I swear to God, he looks like a giant piece of fucking. You ever eat toro sushi? It's like from the softest part of the tuna, like, melts in your mouth. Like, God help that guy if he's ever in a plane crash that lands in a snowy mountain and they got to start eating people because that guy is going to be a prime cut. It's all fucking marbled. You know, he's the boss's son. He's never done shit. You know, isn't it funny that he walks around that army outfit and he's like, fat? You know, it's like when you go to the. You know those fat people that always wear workout clothes? That old joke. Anyways, here we go. Let's read another one here. Africa, A Billy Freckle Fuck. Longtime fan. Love your work. Blah, blah, blah. Listen, I know you're planning on touring Eastern Europe next year. We got another one. But how about a tour of South Africa at some point? If you and the lovely Nia ever managed to make your way to this side of the world, please don't hesitate to contact. Also always know, always want to know if you are friends with Bryan Cranston or not. Due to your time together on Breaking Bad. Thanks so much. And go fuck yourself. PS when are you going to be on Conan again? A lot of questions. All right, let's start with Africa. I would love to go over there. And I can tell you this right now. There's no way I would go on one of those fucking safaris. In that open car as those lions walk up looking at you, I know that they, they say that like those lions, like they look at the car and the person all is like one giant thing. So that's why they don't jump up and just yank somebody off the truck. Well, one of these days one of those lions is going to figure it out and they're going to yank somebody off the truck. And it ain't going to be fucking me. Can tell you that right now. Do you ever see that fucking video that, that poor woman as Asian family, she didn't want to. She was driving through the safari, she didn't want to drive and she got out and walked around the car and I'm telling you man, this tiger comes into frame, frame and grabs her and yanks like I couldn't yank like a dish rag out of frame faster than this thing took this 115 pound woman out of the frame. And then like her son or something didn't know what to do. And this hero ran over there and then he ended up getting killed and the other his mom got like mauled or something. It was brutal. Brutal. So I know you're probably laughing going, bill, you know we have cities over here. It's not just a bunch of lions and tigers fucking walking around. I know, but I'm just saying the touristy thing to go go over there. You're you basically your zoo is the jungle. Unless I'm crazy. I don't know. Anyways, what was the other thing? Always want to know if you are friends with Brian Craig. I'm friendly with him. The few times I've run into him. Have I run into him since Breaking Bad? I don't think I have. During Breaking Bad, I ran into him at a party with a mutual friend. Yeah. And I don't remember ever. I don't ever remember us coming to blows. So I would say that we are very friendly, but we, we don't hang, if that's what your question is. When am I gonna be on Conan again? I don't know. Hopefully soon. I love Conan, I love South Africa and I love Bryan Cranston. I mean you went three for three here. All right, the crazies. The crazies. Hey Bill, the crazy little thing about you getting called a Republican douche is that I see just as many people on Reddit and Twitter accusing you of being a liberal softie. Yes. And all of that is just more evidence of what a cunt I am. All right? When I'm in la, I make fun of Hillary. When I'm in a red state, I make fun of Trump. You know, I don't understand being in front of a group of people and just saying what they already think. Like, where is the fun in that? Say the opposite of what they think and make them mad and see if you can get them to stay right. Anyways, seems like people just attack and focus on only one thing a they care about. As you always say. As you always say. Love you. Congrats on Royal Albert Hall. It's my dream to play trumpet there. Thanks. And go fuck yourself. Well, I hope that dream comes true. Yeah, yeah, I've been accused of. It all depends on what the argument is. Yeah, I think, yeah, I've been called, yeah, a red pilled eating Republican. I've been called a liberal, libertard, snowflake, cuckold, all of that shit. And I've been called a centrist. I love this centrist one. Like, isn't that the smart one where you're kind of in the middle? You lean a little bit. I lean left. I think I do. Anyways, it all depends on who the fuck I'm talking to. Depends on how far left you are or how far right you are. You probably think I lean way left. I don't know. But centrist is somebody like, I don't know, I can be swayed. You know, you present a good fucking argument. You know, take a guy like Ted Nugent. I don't agree with a lot of this shit that that guy says, but he, he does say shit on occasion. I'm like, that I agree with. I just don't write people off 100%, you know, and I also don't think that I have all the fucking answers. So if that makes me. I don't know what the fuck that makes me. He's a centrist. Do you realize how fucking douchey that is that adults literally have to like come up with in label everything? What that really means is you don't think the way I think and I can't fucking handle it. So I'm going to come up with a word that is going to have some sort of negative connotation. And I think you're so weak as a person that it will affect. I don't give a fuck. What. I really don't give a shit. You're a centrist. Am I? Okay, all right. You're a liberal snowflake. Okay, all right. You're a Trump supporter. Okay, fine, fine. There you go. Now go yell about that to somebody at work anyways. Documentary about origin of soccer. Oh, by the way, I learned more about that World cup trophy. Somebody sent me this thing on Twitter. Okay, so there's one World cup trophy and you're not allowed to have it because it's worth like 20 million bucks. So if you win it, you. They actually give you a replica of it. This is what this person was trying to tell me. I don't know if any of this is true. Then somebody else told me that if you win like three of them, you actually get to keep the fucking thing. And Brazil has one and then they had to make another one. Now, rather than just telling you guys shit that I've heard, I could actually look up World cup trophy, which I can't believe how small it is. It's ridiculous. World cup trophy history. Here we go. All right. And I'm going to click on. Let me do. What everybody does when you search something on the Internet is you just take the first. What the fuck is this thing? Where the hell did this just take me? Have you noticed now, like, it just gives you one option. You know, they're paying. People are paying for that. Look at this. It keeps taking me the same fucking site. World cup trophy history search Google. Come on. Keeps taking me to this fucking website. I'm not gonna name the name of it. Look at that. It just fucking kicked me off. You fucking cunts. How much did they pay? I can only go to you. World cup trophy and a triple trophy. History Search Google. There we go. All right. That was a fucking glitch or something. The World cup is a gold trophy. Oh, it's actually made out of gold. Ours is fake. Shit, no wonder ours is so big. I think the Stanley cup is made out of fucking aluminum. Stainless steel maybe. Is a gold trophy that is awarded to the winners of the FIFA World cup associated. Since the advent of the World cup in 1932, trophies have been used. The Jules Rimet Trophy from 1930 to 1970 and the FIFA World Cup Trophy from 1974 to present day. The first trophy, originally named Victory, but later renamed in honor of FIFA president Jules Remit. Or is that Jules Remat? I have no idea. Was made of gold plated sterling silver and lapis lazuli, whatever the fuck that is. As depicted and depicted. Nike, the. The Greek goddess of victory. Oh, is that what the sneaker company has? I didn't know that. Wait, let's do a quick little aside here. In ancient Greek mythology, Nike was a goddess who personified victory. Her Roman equivalent was Victoria. She was variously described as the Daughter of the Titan upon the godsmith of. Oh, who knew? I had no idea. I had no fucking idea. Look at that. Learning something. Even Bill can learn something. Anyways, Brazil won the trophy outright in 1970, prompting the commissioning of the replacement. Well, why did. How did they win it outright? They just won it so many times like ah, just give to these fuckers. I'm sick of carting it across the world. The original Jules Rummet trophy was stolen in 1983 and never recovered.

[Bill Burr]

What?

[Steve Byrne]

There's only one per. That's a drug lord. Fucking Pablo Escobar had that or something. The subsequent trophy, called the FIFA World cup trophy was introduced in 1974. Made of 18 karat gold with a something base. Okay, now wait a second, wait a second. World Cup TROPHY stolen Maybe he wasn't so fucking small they couldn't have stuck it under their shirt. The theft of the Jules Rimmet trophy. It was stolen in 1966, prior to the 1966 World Cup. The trophy was later recovered. One man. I thought they said they didn't get it. One man, Steve Crook of Bristol, was convicted for being involved. But other possible culprits are still unknown. You can't tell me that guy's not a fucking legend. Trophy placed and how come that hasn't been made into a movie? Some sort of fucking comedy? Was he some jerk off from a sports bar? The Football Associated received a civil theft on the March 20, Sunday, March 20. When the guards began a noon circuit around 12:20, they noticed that someone had forced open the display case the rear doors of the building and stolen the trophy. The wooden bar that held the trophy, that held the door closed was lying on the floor. That's all they had to stop them. Thieves removed the screws and the bolts that held the other side of the door. They went to Home Depot and bought some screwdrivers and stole the biggest sports trophy in the fucking world. What a simple time. They had removed the padlock from the back of the display case, taken the trophy and left the the way they came. None of the guards had seen or heard anything suspicious. Though one of them reported that he had seen a strange man by the public telephone when he had visited the lavatory on the first floor. Jesus, those guys were fucking off, huh? Scotland Yard took control of the case and gave it to the Flying Squad. The Flying Squad? What? What the is that? Sounds like a musical. The Flying Squad, also known as the Robbery Squad is a bunch. Is a branch of this. The Serious and Organized Crime Command did an 8 year old name all this shit with London's Metropolitan Police. Raw. Is this serious? It's not the. It's not the Frivolous Crime Command. This is the Serious and Organized Crime Squad's purpose is to investigate commercial, armed and unarmed robberies along with the Prevention investigation gives a fuck. Sounds like they have uniforms. Oh, then somebody. Oh, that somebody. Actually, they ransomed the fucking thing. On March 21, Joe Mears, the chairman of the football session, received an anonymous phone call. The unknown man said that Mears would receive a parcel at Chelsea Football Club the next day. The parcel was delivered to Mears home. It contained the removable lining from the top of the trophy and a ransom note that demanded 15,000 pounds in $1, 1 and 5 pound notes. The letter stated that the FA, the FAA, should place a code coded ad, Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Despite the warnings, the Mears contacted the police Detective Charles Buggy of the Flying Squad and gave the trophy lining in the letter to him. Police told Mears to place an ad and contacted a bank, created a false ransom payment out of bundles of ordinary paper with real money only at the top and the bottom, which were placed in a suitcase. Two police officers were to act as Mears assistance in handing over the money and went home to blah, blah, blah. Okay, so Mears was suffering from an asthma attack, so his wife answered instead and gave the phone to Assistant McPhee. Oh, McPhee. Jackson was nervous, but finally agreed to arrange a switch and told McPhee to come. Ah, you fucking moron. And then he got caught. Isn't that something? You see that? You learn something every goddamn day, don't you? What a dope. You should have just kept the goddamn thing then. You can't. What are you gonna show your friends? They're gonna fucking open their mouths trying to get laid. All right. Anyways, documentary about the origin of soccer. Hey, Bill, you're talking about the origin of soccer. Last podcast and wanted and I want to give you a recommendation to watch Wild in the Street Streets. It's the origin of all football, including rugby, soccer and your football. It is literally a type of rugby played by an entire town. North versus south, the entire city. Is the field they play on well worth a watch, especially for sports fan. I found it on Amazon Fire tv. Have a good day. All right, I'll try to check that out. Lastly, but not leastly, classic movies. Dear Billy Dollars. After he talked about Le Mans last month, I decided to watch the movie. I really loved it. I never knew I needed to drive through Europe till I Saw that movie. I'm 22, and the first thing I noticed was how differently it was paced compared to the schizophrenic stuff I grew up with. It was very calming in a way. I was wondering if you could recommend any good movies from that era. I'm going to keep watching McQueen movies, but was hoping you could give more titles from the era so I don't burn out all of all of his at once. You can't go wrong with Steve McQueen. You can't go wrong with Paul Newman. Obviously, Paul Newman. You gotta. I would watch the Hustler. I liked Hud. What else? Cool hand Luke. Steve McQueen, you got to go. And Yul Brenner. You got to go. Magnificent Seven, Cincinnati Kid, Bullet. And for those of you before you go see the rock movie, go watch the Towering Inferno. If you watch the Towering Inferno and then you watch Die Hard, I think you'll see those two are combined. When they sold that movie, the new rock movie, as I feel like it's those two movies combined. Wow. I haven't thought about movies in a minute. What else did I like from back then? I liked all the Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns, love Charles Bronson, anything with Lee Marvin in it. The Dirty Dozen, Bridge on the River, Kwai Kelly's Heroes, The Great Escape. Speaking of which, do you know, when I did Steve Burns movie, the character that I'm playing at one point is putting golf balls in his office. And somebody connected with the movie was friends with the James Garner estate. Speaking of the Great Escape. And the putter I used was James Garner's old putter. And I. It was fucking unbelievable because, you know, I always watch metv. And the Rockford Files is one of my favorite shows of all time. And I love it even more than I did when I was a kid because I never understood, like, I think losers too harsh a word, but, like, how much this guy was struggling in life. He lived in on a trailer on the beach. He had the Firebird. He didn't have the money for the Trans Am, and he couldn't sustain a relationship. I mean, the guy was a mess. He didn't like to fight. I mean, he was just funny as hell. It's another one that I love. But I am right now, I'm just burning through that 77 Sunset Strip with Ephraim Zimbalist Jr. I just can't get enough of that show.

[Versi]

And it's just.

[Steve Byrne]

It's that classic where anytime a woman comes on screen, they play that saxophone music, man. It's Just fucking hilarious. Ephraim smoking in, like, every other scene. And his drink is. He likes an old Fashioned rye. And like, back then, when they were building a character, like, they had to have their drink, they had to have a car. And Efren Cymbelis's character in 77 Sunset Strip is. He favors a Ford Thunderbird convertible. And I haven't. I've only seen season six, so I think that was a 1963 or a 64 Thunderbird convertible. But I went online and I watched the intro to all the different seasons, and he seems to have late 50s ones because it ran from, like, 57 to 63. It was like six seasons or something like that, so it'd be cool if I'm watching it. And he gets a new Thunderbird every year, convertible. And once again, the restaurant, this office that he's coming out of is Dean Martin's Dinos, that old restaurant that he had and. Which was on La Ciena. It was on Sunset Boulevard at the corner of La Cienega on the southwest side of the street. Pretty fucking badass. Anyways, I'm an old man and I got two shows to do here. Thank you to everybody that came out to Portland last night. I had such great shows. And thank you to everybody who's coming out to my shows tonight in Seattle. This is one of my favorite cities. And I think the next time I come here, I'm going to try to do, like, what I did with in San Francisco. I'm going to play a smaller venue and just be here for a week. And I'm going to bring my wife and kid up here because the lovely Nia always wanted to go to Seattle, and I've never brought her up here. And I don't know, it's a shame, because it's so fucking close, and it just never seems to work out with their schedule. So I think next time I might do one of my favorite theaters in the country, which is the Moore Theater, which for you rock fans, that's where Alice in Chains shot that Black and White concert film. That's where Pearl Jam shot that video, you know, where Eddie Vedder climbed up the side and dropped down into the crowd. Right? Remember that song? All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Congratulations to France winning the World Cup. Congratulations to Croatia, England, Belgium, all you guys that got down to the Final Four. It's incredible. It was an incredible thing to watch, and I hope to go the next time there's a World Cup. I'll check in on you on Thursday.

[Versi]

See you,

[Bill Burr]

Sam.

[Sydney Sweeney]

It. Hey, it's Sydney Sweeney. Syd for short, for summer. I'm in the mood for comfortable.

[Steve Byrne]

What am I wearing?

[Sydney Sweeney]

Where am I going? What's the vibe? The short answer? American Eagle shorts. They're cute and go with everything. They just work. It's Sid for short. An American Eagle for summer. Shop my pics [e-mail].