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Monday Morning Podcast
Yankees Bats, 'I'm A Brand', Blocking Roads | Monday Morning Podcast 3-31-25
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Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 31, 2025. What's going on? How are you? Oh, my God. The month of March is almost over, and then we move right into summer. I feel like within a week, it's going to be 85, 90 degrees out. Might see one butterfly. We'll see anyway. Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight oh, is that one of the dumbest songs ever written? I feel like that's all he says, the whole song. Because tonight, tonight, tonight oh, gonna make it right Tonight, tonight Jesus Christ Felt. Were you just testing the limits of your popularity? And I love Phil Collins, Brand X, early 80s, right? I don't care anymore. That's. That's the Phil Collins I like. You know, Bill, we don't care. The guy you like. All right, March 31st. Tonight is opening night. We are through previews. Had great shows all week. Everybody did the show is. It's really great. I'm really proud of it. And. And I guess the critics came last week, which I didn't know, which is something I started doing. I was like, dude, I don't want to know who's in the crowd. Tell me after, because I don't be thinking about anything other than the person sitting across me. So that's been working out good for me. So tonight's the big. The whole big. To do the opening night, you know, the red carpet, put on your little spiffy suit, you know, smile and wave, do the play. And then there's an after party. And then after that, then we. We begin, I guess, the run. I mean, I feel like we're already doing it, but it's pretty. It's pretty exciting. It's pretty exciting. And I. I thought that with the two days, you know, when. When you got two, I thought that that was going to feel more like work, but it hasn't. It's just been fun. I have really. I mean, it's just a killer play, and everything that comes out of your mouth is fun to say. So it's been awesome. So my lovely, beautiful wife is in town, and we're gonna go together and have a good time and all of that. So looking forward to it. All right, having said that, a little. Little order of business here. We only got a couple hundred tickets Left for the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. Literally 200 and changes left. Thank you guys for getting the tickets. It's Sunday, May 18, at the New York City Center. Who knows? You know, you Go see the play on the 17th or on the 19th. You check out the the Patrice O'Neill benefit. We have a great lineup. Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, D.C. benny, Tim Dillon, Nemes Patel, Sean Patton, Rich Voss hosting and myself. And also, you know, we always try to get a, a big comic special guest and as of two days ago, we have that person who will be unannounced surprise special guest also coming. It's going to be awesome. All tickets are 75 bucks. They can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org Patrice 2025 or by going to my website, www.billbird.com. yeah, and get your tickets and it's going to be a great show. All right. And with that, and with that, what we going to talk about this week, mate? I haven't been doing anything other than just going to the gym, going to the big gay gym and going to my Broadway play. That's all I've been doing. I haven't been smoking cigars. I haven't had a cigar. So I don't know, mid January. And I was thinking, you know, instead of just doing 100 days like my daughter tells me, I was thinking, like, you know what, I got a gig in Italy coming up in July. Maybe I'll go from January to July. But then I was thinking like, but then I start back up again, then I have to quit again. What if I just say it and just don't smoke cigars? How about I do that? So that's kind of where I'm at. But I'm leaving it open. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I don't know. Anyway, I know what I do. I'll have a few cigars in Italy and then I'll tell my daughter, put me on another hundred day thing, you know, because I can't, I can't break my. You can't break your word with your kid, you know, if you say I'm doing this, you got to do it. So she's been helping me out. So anyway, yeah, that's going to be coming up before you know it. So yes, tonight will be the 25th time that we've done it in front of a crowd. And my thing is I run my lines. I have like, I've recorded Michael, Bob and Kieran's lines and I just walk around like a crazy person and I say it three times every day. Even on my off. Oh yes, I only said it once. But I always make sure I say it every day so I don't forget how it goes. But anyways, let's. Let's get to some funny shit that I saw in the news or who's kidding who on Instagram or whatever. So I saw this thing where Trump was going, like, I'm already having people saying, please, please, please run for a third term. I don't know. You know, we'll see. It's like, dude, that's not legal. We found some loopholes. That guy is the master of just manipulation of Machiavelli is. A lot of people have told me, what are you walking down the street? Were you hanging out in a diner? You're the President of the United States. Who the fuck's talking to you? The people in your cabinet. Yeah, they want to hang out. Who the fuck is telling you that? Oh, that's right, he's on Twitter. I forgot. But anyway, and what fucking kills me, it's just like sports, like, people who are right wing are like, excited by this. This idea that he's slowly going to take this country while they're, you know, the right, always with the American flag, support the troops, freedom. And this guy is going to circumnavigate the rules, constitution and all that, and he's going to fucking become a dictator. But they're going to love it because he's doing what he wants them to do, you know, which is make it great again. Make sure this country has the air quote natural, natural order of things. All that racist that is underneath that party's line. And you, you know, it's so overt. Like, they're literally knocking down George Floyd murals. Or it's. It's not the Gulf of Mexico anymore, it's the Gulf of America. Acting like that's patriotic and not anti Mexican. That's so funny to me. It's now called this. Like, that is the arrogance of my people, whitey. We just rename shit. And we think once we rename it, that's the name of it. Like, all everyone in Mexico is like, ah, shit. I guess we got to call it the Gulf of America. God damn it. No, we have to. Trump has a map in the White House that says it. You know, would we give a shit if they fucking changed the name of fucking Arizona to something else? And then they had a map of it and therefore we wouldn't. Right. Well, there you go. I learned that when I was over in Abu Dhabi. When I say Abu, you say Dabi. I was over there and I said, oh, yeah, you know, I went for a swim in the Persian Gulf. And they all yell, it's not the Persian, you know, we don't call it that. I forget, I can't remember what they called the Arabian Sea or some. I don't know what they called it, but I just laughed. I go, you know, that's what my people do. We come, we find shit that already has a name and then we fucking rename it. But Trump is a genius. Like, no one is saying he should do this. So now he's just going to say that people are. And then you know what they're going to do? They're going to start saying it. Because people, there's enough mouth breathing morons that God makes, you know, he makes the mouth breathing morons to listen to the sociopaths so the normal people suffer and God can be entertained. I am, that's, I am convinced that's how the math works. Other than that, he wouldn't, he wouldn't be doing. I told you that conversation I had with that person, I was just like, I don't understand. Why does God make sociopaths? Why does he make pedophiles? Well, then the religious part. Well, why does he make nice, empathetic people? You know what I'm saying? I'm like, no, I don't. Why doesn't he just make that. Well, there's things that we just, as humans, we're gonna learn after we die. Okay, you want to write that down and then just look at it and then actually say it to me again with a straight face. Is that what the fuck you want to do? I remember when, when the Red Sox won the World Series for the first time in 2004, and on ESPN they just kept saying, I'll tell you, those fans up in Boston, if they win this World Series, they're not going to know what to do with themselves. They're not going to what to do. They, they, they just kept saying we weren't going to know what to do. And then sure enough, we win it. And they cut to people and there was guys going, I don't know what to do. So that little slice of idiocy and manipulation by ESPN can also be used by a president. And it's fucking fascinating. A lot of people are already, it's fucking march. You just got there. They're not excited about what you're doing right now. They're already talking, they're already saying, try it in your life. It works for these people. You know, why should every else just sit around letting everybody else have all the fun? Why don't, why don't you do whatever the Fuck you want. You know the word. Your words are your wand, as they say in those self help books. Um, it's really fucking hilarious. It's like all of these fucking Yankee fans defending this stupid bat that they came up with going like this is baseball. You know, you find the parameters of the rules and you exploit something. Dutch baseball. That's what people have always done, right? And then what? That's if what the fucking Mets were doing it. Those fucking cheating ass pieces of shit. Oh my God. Do the Yankees need any more of an advantage? You already play in a wiffle ball park. You like that? Like Yankee Stadium from day one, the original one, they built it around Babe Ruth. You got to look at that first little fence that they had. They had a fence out in right field that dude, if you backed up you'd hit it with the back of your knees and fall into the first row. That's what the first one looked like. The house that Ruth built. They should have said the house built for Ruth. So now they got this thing set up, you know, where these guys are just going to put up fucking crazy numbers because they played half their games there. Because I always feel like, you know, okay, it's a hitters ballpark. It's like, well then that's going to be a disadvantage for your pitcher. So I don't think that as a home team, you know, if it's an easy place to hit home runs, then it's gonna be an easy place for your, for your pitchers to give up home runs. So I feel like that's a wash. But if you guys are gonna go up there once, you just go up there with those fucking big red bats that you used to get when you first learned how to hit. Remember that? That fucking Fred Flintstone bat? Why don't you do that, dude? That's what's fun. Like, did the Yankees need any more of an advantage until the Dodgers came along? They were always spending the most amount of money. I mean, if I was a Dodger fan, I would take the Yankees bats as the ultimate tip of the cap that they have to go up there and just basically they have to. I mean it's becoming golf. Like in golf, so many non athletes play that every year they gotta fucking come out with a new ball. Like how big? Big Bertha? Like can you hit it now, you dentist? I don't know. And just always as a Patriots fan watching them weigh footballs and that got our guy suspended for six games even after we beat him in court. To then just see this coming, that First Astros championship. It was complicated. Was it? Well, that was complicated. Okay. Anyway, it is what it is. It's sports, right? It's marketing. I don't know. A lot of people are saying. A lot of people saying they wish they had bats like this. I don't know. You know, all the other teams are saying that these bats, it's fine for us to use them. And they have no interest of using bats like this themselves. Torpedo bats. I mean, you fucking Aaron Judge, you're 8ft tall, you built like Paul Bunyan. Do you also need a torpedo bat in an easy to hit a home run for a major league ballpark? Like he had 50 fucking home runs. He plays in a wiffle ballpark. I hope you appreciate what you're watching. Do you know for the longest time from what I heard in track, the reason why track and field, everybody is on drugs and everything is because what keeps that sport going is records and records being broken. And human beings simply could not evolve from fast enough for the way we live to wait, I don't know, for whatever record to be broken. So they let these people do drugs or they look the other way, or they're always 10 paces behind. The records get broken. All the happens, we sit down and watch it. And then afterwards they're like, oh, yeah, by the way, he was cheating. I'm kind of feeling like all sports are like that now. Like, you can't convince me that the Kansas City Chiefs were not helped along into that fucking dynasty. Oh, my God, the Patriots are over. What are we going to do now? Fuck, every league does it. Celtics and Lakers are over. What are we going to do? Oh, good, we have Jordan. Jordan's over. What are we going to do? Oh, good, we have. Well, let's get. Let's get the pile on Lakers going. Let's let every fucking person join the fucking Lakers and then they will be a dynasty. I mean, come on. The holding on that last drive of the 49ers and that pass interference call against the Eagles. The fucking Eagles should have three Super Bowls. Not the Chiefs under Patrick Mahomes. I'm just saying. You know what I'm doing right now, people? I'm just stirring up the pot. How about Stephen A. Smith milking that LeBron James thing? Can he do that any longer? If. If he put his hands on me, I. I would have started swinging. It's. It's like, Stephen, you wouldn't have. You would have gone right down to the ground just like I would have. Just like anybody would have. The guy's 6 foot. He's a 6 foot 10 defensive lineman. If that guy punched you, if he slapped you in the head, you would have to learn how to read again. That is the one. That is the one funny thing about being a guy is that not only do you have to act like you're Steven Segala, that's probably a bad example. You're. You're like, I don't know, one of these action heroes that hasn't been exposed. Yeah. You're like. You're like commando. Like you're somehow Navy SEAL adjacent. Just. Oh, man, if that happened, yo, I would have. They would have at least three guys pulling me off of him if he disrespected my way. The reality is most of us are just gonna sit there and take it. Or if we do throw a punch, it's gonna be going a third of the speed that we think it is, and we're gonna get knocked out. There's a reason why most men, push comes to shove, don't throw a punch. It's because we know we're going to lose. And we learned that early on in life. I mean, that's a funny thing, you know, if you're. You know, if one of these Instagram people. We did this massive study in our lab that's becoming more and more prevalent. I'll get to that in a minute. But, like, why? Like, a man has to act like he's gonna do something like that. This, like. Stephen, there's literally nothing that you could have done. Okay? And it's all right. You're literally going up against a superhero and you're just a sportscaster. Like, no one's winning that fight. It has to be another fucking NBA player or one of these fucking MMA superhero guys. They could win that fight. They could take him down to the ground and somehow, you know, I don't know what. But you're not going to do it, and it's okay. You don't have to fucking. There was no reason to say that. That makes all of us feel bad because it reminds us of when we said that. Oh, man. They're lucky. They're lucky. That's my favorite Applebee's. Oh, Jesus Christ. That. That sizzle plate would have been flying, you know, because you know me, dude. You know me. I don't give a. You do give a. You go to Applebee's, you had your napkin tucked in under your chin. You gave a fuck about your fucking shirt. If you give a shit about your shirt, you definitely give a shit about not Getting the shit kicked out of you or, you know, getting arrested for assault, you know, really doesn't give a fuck. Everybody who's in jail, that's where not giving a fuck, that's where the people who truly don't give a fuck live. They live in jail. If you're walking around in society, unless you haven't been arrested yet, because there are those people, but generally speaking, you give a fuck, you follow the rules, you think about the ramifications. How funny is it? And, you know, I'm just thinking of it that, you know, these. These guys put on suits to talk about sports. I want to see. I. I just want to stop right now and talk about the absolutely horrible transition defense that I. Why are you wearing suit? Why do you want to take this time to talk about that? I don't know. The older I get. The older I get, the less I understand anything other than just sitting down and. And watching the game and then it's over. It's over. I don't need to listen to people's comments, their takes, their hot take, their medium warm take, their room temperature take. I don't need to hear it. Although I do it on my podcast, right? But you know why I do it? People. People are already telling me, bill, I want to hear your hot take on that cold story. You know, people are already saying it. They're saying, I hope I do it for a third podcast. There is power in doing that. I've seen people in my business do that. Like, whatever their brand, whatever their brand is. I hate how, like, they just. Somebody fucking came up with that with performers, and then hacky performers embraced it and started actually openly talking about their brand. And now everybody tries to put that on you. You know what I mean? Like, you're sitting in a boardroom before you write a joke going, okay, I think we can all agree that that's a funny joke. But is. Does that align with my brand? I'm a brand. I'm. Oh, yeah, you're making cookies. You like Nabisco? Is that what you're doing? What are you doing? What are you doing, sweetheart? What is your brand? I'm an influencer. I influence people. When I do stuff, it makes other people want to do the same stuff. And then whatever I'm. Stuff I'm using to do the stuff that I'm doing, they give me free stuff to do more stuff. And then I make money. Then I get my fucking pussy waxed and I fucking wear an even shorter dress. Oh, my God, you guys, I found the Cutest fucking whore dress. You pair this with these cunt pumps and I'm telling you, you're gonna be the biggest skank walking down the fucking street. And there's a power in that. I like when a guy calls me a skank, I say, thank you guys. It's time to normalize being a skank. Sorry, sorry. I'm sitting in my, my hot corporate apartment. And by hot, I don't mean amazing. I'll tell you, it's one of the saddest things ever is watching fucking videos of apartments in New York cities. Cities, New York City, where they go like, and look at this absolutely spacious living room. You could get a couch and a table in there. You look at the fuck. And then what I always love is everybody who doesn't live in New York City is just looking at it, going like, is this a fucking joke? You're paying seven grand a fucking month for that. And as much as most New Yorkers don't want to admit it, they're right. People that don't live here are right. It is outrageously expensive to live in this. Now, I guess if you're part of the 2% that comes here, you know, and can hit like the high notes and shatter glass, and then you can get that Mariah Carey duplex with the lap pool in it, you know, if you're singing about butterflies. What was that song? All of that. You have a whole catalog of that. Then you can actually, you can actually get like an apartment that has room for adult sized furniture. Other than that, if you're a warlord, you know, if you're a corporate raider, if you're a politician and you're getting all the insider trading and you can't get, then you can actually afford a, a true one bedroom. You know what a true one bedroom is in New York City? It's a four bedroom. Like wherever you're living in the world, whatever the size of a one bedroom apartment is in New York City, that would be a four bedroom and it would be like, you know, ten grand a month. Anyway, so I went out and I bought this espresso machine and I, I upgraded from what I have out in la. I forget what the name of the one that I have in LA is. So I got this, what do you call, let me look at it right now, La Marzocco, handmade Italian one. And I gotta tell you something, man, at first I was struggling with the thing, but I got it dialed in now. And when I steam the milk like the one that I have at in La. That one when I steam the milk. I mean, I'm standing there for like a minute, which I didn't give a about. I was just excited that I could make myself a cappuccino or a latte in. In my own house, you know? But now I got this thing, the La Marzocco. Oh, my God. You think Italians can make cars? You think they can make motorcycles? You think that they can cook? You're 100% right. You know what else they can do? They can make the best espresso machine I've ever used. Dude. This thing steams the milk in like 11 seconds, and it's amazing. And then you can. The latte art is a joke. That's where I am in my life right now. I go in the elliptical every day. I throw around the weights. I don't use heavy weights. You know, like, if the. The. The barbell. Not the. The dumbbells, the weights, if they're not painted, like, purple or pink, I don't pick them up. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. You know what I mean? But I. I just do. I just do. I just use the. The dumbbells, you know, I don't. I don't go over to the. I don't go ego anymore. I don't go over to the fucking. The weight bench. I don't squat with fucking 45s on both sides. I'm not, you know, to warm up. Fuck all of that. I stretch. I pick up the get in shape girl fucking weights. I stretch some more. I get my steps in. That's it. And then I try to eat smart. Yeah, that's what it is. I felt like that. Ellen DeGeneres. I'm a strong woman. I felt like I was gonna say that in the end. I stretch. I get an elliptical. I do a little dumbbell work. I'm a strong woman. Minute long, standing ovation. All right, what else did I want to talk about? Anything else before I get into it? No, I don't torpedo bats. And the New York Yankees. Are you gonna. Are you gonna create a special ball for the opposing team to throw to you to your torpedo bats? I mean, that is fucking. It's fucking ridiculous. As a Patriots fan, the fucking shit we got for a cunt hair lighter football when the Colts had the exact same number of underinflated ball. And I just. I see this shit and they're like, well, you know. You know, there's no rules saying you can't do it. Yeah. And Belichick does it. He's a Fucking. One of the worst things I fucking saw was this douche was interviewing this guy who played on the Steelers. And then he. He went to the Patriots and he wanted to say he wanted to hate Tom Brady. He ended up liking him. And in the end he goes with the Patriots cheating. And the guy's like, hell yeah, they were cheating. And then that was the end of the investigation. He didn't go, well, weren't the Steelers also cheating? Those fucking cheating ass pieces. Did I. That doesn't fit the narrative. Steelers aren't winning anything, so we don't need to fucking ask about them. Jesus Christ. Even Terry. Terry Bradshaw goes, the whole fucking team was on steroids, including me. Zip recruiter. Here we go. You know. You know what all what speed dating is? Oh, sorry. You all know. Y'all know. Everybody's like. Y'all's going, like, mainstream. Y'all know what speed dating is? Well, if you're the owner of a growing business, what if there was a feature like speed dating only for hiring? In other words, you could meet several. Well, there was like a speed dating, but it was for immigrants to get them out of this country. You know, be amazing is if they treated billionaires the way they're treating immigrants. Why don't we do that? You get rid of the immigrants and get rid of the billionaires and then you just leave. Leave the. Leave the fucking middle. You know, the confused middle that's walking around like, what is the problem anyway? Plowing ahead. Zip Recruit, everybody. Y'all know what speed date is, right? Well, if you're the owner of a growing business, what if there was a feature like speed dating only for hiring? In other words, you could meet several interested, qualified candidates at once, all at a designated time. Excuse me. Well, good news. There is. It's called Zip Intro. Oh, my God, they got something new. Oh, fuck. The band's breaking up from ZipRecruiter. Oh, no. 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It's brutal. It's brutal. All right. Anyway, disruptive protests. Your analysis of the protesters that were blocking streaks streets was some of the dumbest commentary I've heard in a while. Well, that's saying something. Alright, so to get people caught up, there was this thing where I almost think it was staged. There was these like five vegans sitting in the street and they had blocked the street with some sort of trailer, causing this traffic jam to raise awareness about climate change. So this cop goes fucking total Dukes of Hazard, drives in banna bano. Wow. And he fucking plows into the thing and they're like, what the fuck? Yeah, they're not armed. They weigh like 200 pounds collectively. And he gets out with either a taser or a gun. Get on the fucking ground. The whole thing was stupid. The protesters were stupid. I mean, that was my opinion. And then also the comments were stupid because people don't like liberal people if you're conservative. They like the show of force by the cops and it's just like glorifying this guy. Overreacting and escalating the situation is all good when it's pointed at people you don't like, but eventually that comes around. It bites you in the ass. So anyway, that was my take. Evidently that was a stupid fucking take. I also thought that to bring awareness to what you want people to care about, the last thing you should do is make them late for work. Blocking the road is fucking stupid. That somebody could be on their way to kidney dialysis. Somebody could be having complications during a pregnancy. You know, you're late one more time, you're going to lose your job. Ah, fuck, I got four kids. And then you sit in the fucking road during the middle of a work week because evidently you don't have a fucking job. Right? So evidently that was some of the dumbest commentary ever. Um, anyway, so this person says if they're not blocking streets or doing something equally disruptive, no one is listening to them. What are you talking about? There's plenty of stuff out there about climate change. So basically, if I want people to go see my next standup tour, what I should do is infuriate people. Should I lay in the street and just try, you know, or should I block the Lincoln Tunnel? And then people will be talking about my tour and that's going to make them want to come see me. It's going to make them say, like, fuck this guy. I'm never going to watch any of his. Anything he puts out. I'm not never going to go to one of his tours anyway. Your reaction is the same as people reacting to people sitting in on lunch counters during the civil rights movement. Oh, is that the Same thing. Black people sitting at a lunch counter that they said they can't sit at is the same as blocking a road because you don't like climate change. You want to do something about climate change. I don't. I don't. See. I'm not going to say that's the dumbest example you could have used. Protests are going to be disrupted and they're going to inconvenience people. That's the fucking point, you imbecile. All right, right there in your last statement, while you're calling me an imbecile, I realize how fucking dumb you are. Okay? Don't you want me to hear your point? Don't you want me to understand it? Don't you want me to receive this information? This is everyone on the Internet, like before. Before. That point is like, hey, fuckhead. Maybe if you like, who's listening past, hey, fuckhead. All right, so that. That's the point. So you're telling me that them blocking the street and me watching that video, not me specifically, somebody watched that and they were like, you know, I didn't care about global warming. I didn't care about the environment. But now that they sat in the street and stopped those people from going to work, God damn it, I care. Yeah, I guess I am a fucking imbecile because I don't. I don't like. I understand that protests are supposed to be disruptive. I get sitting in at a lunch counter, sitting where they say you can't sit. I don't understand. If you're against climate change, that you then prevent a bunch of people who aren't the reason for climate change. You know, why didn't you block the entryway to a giant corporation, an oil company or something like that? Why would you just block a road where regular people are going to pick their kids up from school? And something could be time sensitive. I would think that that would just bring people. It would just make them angry and say, fuck you, and talk the way this guy talked to me at the end of it. I just think a protest should be disruptive, but it has to be disruptive in a way that makes people receptive to the situation you're trying to shine a light on. So watching black people not being allowed to sit at a lunch counter and when they do, and then getting beaten while they don't fight back, that makes me, you know, as a human being to human being, have empathy. You sitting in the road and, you know, making somebody on the way to a pharmacy late or whatever, and then Making the leap to climate change is beyond me. Okay, well, they're driving cars that's bad for the climate. They're playing the game that is set up for them that they're powerless in. You're stopping the cogs in the wheel. You're not stopping the fucking wheel. Why don't you go to where these, these fucking, you know, CEOs of these oil companies or whatever, whatever you think is, is actually causing the climate change. Why don't you go do that at Apple that, you know, makes us throw out these fucking devices every two years? Because they don't make the new ones, you know, they have the new upgrades and you got to throw all the charges and all that shit out. And they just play. They pay a fee every year for polluting the environment. Why wouldn't you block the entryway to that? That I could get behind? I'd be behind that and that would be disruptive. But, you know, I'm a fucking imbecile. All right, protesters and me, Dear Billy, both sides. You talk a lot about both sides, about not wanting the left or right cable news, not subscribing to one side without listening to the other. You inspired me to take some action today. Oh, my God. I thought I was going to get on again. My local grocery store is right next to a Planned Parenthood location. This already sounds like a great joke. This is a great setup for a joke. I don't know where you're going. Okay, a grocery store, Planned Parenthood. This should be like a stand up class. All right, find the joke. I feel like Mark Norman could do one right off the top of his head. Here. I walked to the grocery. Oh, he does that too at the end of his act. I walk to the grocery store a lot. I often see people protesting outside the Planned Parenthood office and volunteers defending Planned Parenthood location and defending people who enter and leave. Today I went to the grocery store and there was just one dude praying outside as they do, thinking about stuff you said and about just talking to people. I stood next to him until he finished his prayer. He finished, looked at me. I introduced myself. I took him right off the bat. I'm pro choice, but I'm not trying to change his mind. I just want to hear what he thinks. Oh, my God, dude. Did you actually have a nice relaxed conversation with another human being? That's nice. He was holding a pro life sign, a rosary, and praying the Our Father. He told me, a life is a life, whether it's 100 years old or 100 seconds old and he wants all lives to live. He asked why I was pro choice and I told him I know a woman who got raped in college, got pregnant and had an abortion. In my personal opinion, she deserves to not have that baby. To not live with a lifelong human memory of a terrible traumatic event. He told me the Catholic Church has some program to help women like that. I thanked him for his time and his opinion. We shook hands and walked away. And he kept praying, oh my God, like, yeah, why can't we do this? I know that he and I are not going to change. I think that's fine. But at least two human beings who disagree about something important got to chat with each other and hear the other person. Yeah, Neither one of you called the other a fucking imbecile. Just two dudes talking on the street. My intention was not to change his mind, just to hear his mind. And I achieved that. Go fuck yourself, dude. I gotta be honest with you. In that moment, the two of you were higher beings compared to the rest of us. And I include myself in the US. Look at me, I'm reacting to the fucking bats the Yankees have. I mean, I'm a fucking idiot. Imbecile. Sorry. Let's use the right fucking word here. That's great. That's really great. I'm glad you shared that story. We need to have more of that. We need. We need to just stop doing this bunch of fucking trans libtard motherfucker, you know? And you know, what the fuck? What are liberals, you know? You fucking redneck. Fucking your sister. Yeah. We should try to get more on the same page. If we truly love this country, we would not be doing that. We would not be giving into these billionaires. It doesn't make any sense that if you were a billionaire, if a country you were in made you a billionaire, that you would be upset with that country. Does that make any sense? Why are they trying to make you mad about this system that is so working for them? They're obviously fucking up to something. All right? But if we as citizens, regardless of where we sit, and I don't think people sit on the left and the right. I feel like it is a spectrum just like anything. Like addiction. Yeah. You can see my new act on fucking, my new special Drop Dead years on Hulu. I talk about how I found addiction. You know, when I was growing up, they were like, either you are an addict or you're not. And what I have found through my own personal experimenting with fucking booze is I am not an alcoholic, but I am way closer to an alcoholic than not being one. And I didn't have to go to meetings or anything like that. And I didn't relate to full on alcoholics. But I sit in absolute, dare I say, wonderment in somebody who can sit down and have one scotch or can pair some wine with food like my wife can. It's fuck. And I'm envy, I'm jealous. I'm like, fuck, I wish I could do that because that adds to the whatever the culinary experience. But me, I would be like gonna finish that bottle and I'm gonna fucking, you know, I'm gonna start talking and I'm going to talk some more and then I'm going to upset people and then I'm going to not give a fuck and act like they're overreacting. And then I'm going to wake up the next morning and the first thing I'm going to say is, oh no. And I got to go on the apology tour. So anyway, I think that's fucking great and whatever. Maybe me and that first guy who called me a fucking imbecile, we could sit down and actually talk about what we feel protesting is. I thought I was balanced when I talked about that protest. I was shitting on the protesters, then I shit on the cop. I thought the cop overstepped his bounds and I thought the protesters, the way they were protesting was not an effective way to go about it. But you know, that's what fucking imbeciles do. Imbecile is a funny word. Bill asked. Bill asked for pilots to write in. Here's my story. What's up? You baldy red onion colored Kuntaroo. You baldy red onion colored Kuntaroo. You recently asked for more fixed win pilots to write in and share our experiences. Oh, cool. I'm a single engine land fixed wing pilot, commercial license, music video editor, based out of Los Angeles. I fly a Cessna 182 but learned in a small Cessna 150 from the early 70s. Oh, that's cool. It had a cherry red livery. Livery, I don't know what that is. That wouldn't. That would have made your mid-50s dicks hard. I learned to fly on the border of Tennessee and Kentucky during the pandemic. The ultimate form of social distancing. In fact, every day I learned I'd be flying over three different states. That's amazing. I went balls to the wall on my training. Got my private pilot's license in four months. Yeah, you went full time? Just over 60 hours. The most Stressed I ever was. On the night before my was the night before my check ride. I passed my oral shout out Patrick Schwagee there, but had to postpone the flight portion because of high winds. Cue another night of ulcer inducing lack of sleep. I really feel like the written is always the hardest or the oral part of it is the hardest. Then you just kind of go out and fly. And then also, you know, I think if young pilots in training, like, learn, student pilots learn that. That a license is a license to continue learning. It doesn't mean you know everything about aviation like you have it. It's like you got to be. It's the beginning of this whole long journey. And like, you know, my instructor Randy that I fly with, he is constantly reading all the new stuff and learning new things. You really have to be curious, inquisitive type of person. Anyway, the next day I go for my check ride. Everything's going fine. This is making me nervous. I go in for my final landing, and while on final a damn Gulf stream decides to take off in the opposite direction on the single Runway. The training kicked in and I deviated immediately and went around while avoiding wake turbulence. Wait a minute. What do you mean it was. Was it an uncontrolled airport that this guy, like, you were making your calls, you were coming in, then the guy just pulled out. Holy. The training. Okay, I went around you avoid the weight. Turbulence. Good move. At that moment, a single dark cloud appears and starts pouring on top of me. I ended up landing in the pouring rain, taxiing back, knowing full well I had failed. Why? But the minute I turned off master and mags, the CFI looks at me and says, congratulations, you're a pilot. Oh, dude. I remember that moment. He goes, I've won awards for some film and music video work, but that moment was the best feeling I ever had. Oh, my God. I remember. I. That's the. That's awesome, dude. We got back to the FBO and raised hell. I. I was. I never knew what those abbreviations mean. Turns out the Gulf stream didn't pay attention to the used Runway of that day. And because of his. Not because of this, now, the airport is now a towered class D airport. Oh, so what? It was uncontrolled. Wow, that's terrifying. That's my story. I love aviation and I love your work. I wish I could see Glengarry as you and the rest of the cast are my favorite in the biz, but I can't seem to find a ticket below 400. I'm sorry, dude, I have no control over that secondary market, man. Man. It's like. It's like. Sorry that that whole scalping market is, like, now, like, legal. It's unreal. Says if I'm wrong, point me in the right direction. Love to you and your family. The ginger chalupa supreme. Oh, dude, what a great story. That took me. I remember I did my hoverado, and I immediately pulled up on the collective, and I've been doing so good, and I landed. I almost rolled the. I mean, I didn't almost roll it, but I could have. The way I landed and hoverado is basically what it sounds like. You're in a hover, and the instructor, the. The. Your checkride guy, whatever you call him, he fucking chops throttle, and it's pedal settle, and then you pull the collective. They're actually really fun to do, but it's like three moves, and they're all kind of done one right after the other. But your instinct in a helicopter, if it's suddenly going down, is to yank the collective to make it go up. And what that does is it takes all the inertia you had left in your main rotor, because it turns the rotors to get a bite into the wind, and it slows it down. And you just. You just slammed. Sorry about that. You slammed down on the ground. And he looks at me, goes, now why would you do that? And that said in my head, like, I was gonna pass, and I just blew it. But my instructor says, if you. If you mess something up, you can ask to do it again. So I asked him to do it again, and he said, yeah. And I just said, all right, you know, pedal settle, whatever. And then the next time, I set it down like a daisy. And then we were done. And I remember that that part was at where the were. We were in Torrance. So then we were flying back to Long beach, and we were just talking, and I was talking to him, and he was this legendary pilot who had, like, 17,000 hours in an R22. And he told me that every time he lands, it would auto rotate in. And I was like, oh, that's amazing. So, like, you just know how to. You know, you're always, like, up on it. That must be great. So you're not even nervous. And then he told me this story about losing his tail rotor. And there's a way, like, you know, you just. You fly. If you're flying fast enough, somehow, with. With whatever he was flying, you can compensate for not having. I don't. I don't it's beyond me how the fuck he did it. But then like when he was coming in, he had to chop throttle and all of that and do a fucking auto to come in. And he was like, no, it was like a really nauseating feeling. I said, how many hours did you have when it happened? And he was telling me, you know, he had like 8,000, 12,000, some crazy amount. So I was just like, yeah, I guess dying, the thought of dying is always fucking scary. So anyway, so we came all the way back and I landed and I remember I was going to France the next day. I was doing this European run of dates. Or maybe I was just going there with Nia. Maybe we were taking a vacation. It was before we had kids. Life was easy, you know. And I was thinking, what did I do? I was already thinking like, well, if I didn't pass, don't bring this disappointment onto the flight, you know, whatever, who gives a shit? You'll pass it eventually, whatever. And I remember we landed and then he, I forget he signed something, whatever the hell it is. And he told me that he. I passed and I couldn't fucking believe it. I thought I blew it on that little hoverado. And, and I got back and what was funny was all my instructors that had taught me all of them were out flying, so there was nobody there. And I had, I was trying to wait to tell them because they were like, hang around, hang around. It was really sort of anti climactic and I just walked out of there by myself. But I still, you know, because I wanted to get the high fives from those guys. Oh my God, dude, they were hilarious. Like they were great pilots and they were hilarious. I remember the first time when I was going to do my cross country solo, which cross country means you just fly 20 nautical miles and land somewhere else and then come back so you can log it as a cross country flight. And it was a three hour total. So I'd already soloed up to El Monte and back and that was only 45 minutes and that was nerve wracking enough. But now I was going to a controlled airport in Riverside and then flying to French Valley, which was uncontrolled. And then I was flying back to Long beach and I had to put three hours on the Hobbs Meter. And if I didn't, that's like the odometer. Three hours of time on the Hobbs Meter. If I came back in any time less than that, it wouldn't count and I would have to do it again. So I'm Fucking terrified. And I'm sitting there looking over my whole flight plan and everything. And this instructor, Jordan, I remember he came in and he sat down next to me and he just looked over at me and I looked at him and he just went and made this face and kind of like cocked his head like, here we go. And I just burst it out laughing. And it was the exact kind of thing that I needed to kind of. Oh, then I remember when I went to. To take off, I closed the door and it was super hot. It was the summertime and I was pouring sweat profusely. And I just, you know, it was a Robinson, so I didn't have any air condition, nothing, you know, So I just wanted to get going forward so I could get some wind in my face. So like, when I went to lift off, I just yanked the collective and I went so straight up in the air and I had like, like a Bronco. I'm like moving the cyclic and the collective trying to like. I went like, oh, it was so embarrassing. And I was like, all right, just relax, get your together. And then everything after that was smooth. But I don't know, those, those are my. Those are my aviation stories of my. My little fuck ups. All right, let me see. How much time have I done here? Oh, my God, I'm over an hour. Okay. All right, that's it. I'm gonna. I gotta get on with my day because I got open a night tonight. Thank you to everybody that's come out to the play. Thank you. But everybody that's been watching my special, which is streaming now on Hulu Drop Dead Years, thank you to Ben Tischler for doing an amazing job directing and editing and all of that. Thank you to Hulu and just promoting. I've never gotten promotion on a special like this. The way that these guys are going all out and people are sending me pictures of seeing like, advertisement for it all over, all over the place. So I'm really happy to have a special over on Hulu. And they got. They got a killer lineup of comedians coming up that have special, so definitely check them out and. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.