The Financial and Emotional Cost of Choosing the Wrong Partner: Pattie Ehsaei’s Story of Survival and Power

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Money Rehab with Nicole Lapin

Episode: The Financial and Emotional Cost of Choosing the Wrong Partner: Pattie Ehsaei’s Story of Survival and Power
Date: November 17, 2025
Host: Nicole Lapin
Guest: Patty Asai – Financial executive, lawyer, author (“Never Date a Broke Dude”)

Overview

In this powerful episode, Nicole Lapin interviews Patty Asai about the profound financial and emotional costs that come from choosing the wrong romantic partner. Patty’s story spans her family’s dramatic immigration from Iran to the U.S., the subsequent reversal of her mother's independence, and the tragic loss of her parents. Patty candidly shares how she found herself in similar patterns of financial and emotional abuse and transforms her pain into lessons of empowerment, ultimately captured in her book "Never Date a Broke Dude." Throughout the episode, Nicole and Patty explore why financial autonomy is critical in relationships, how abusive financial dynamics perpetuate, how to spot red flags, and practical strategies for protecting yourself.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Patty’s Family Background and Trauma

• Patty’s parents were both highly successful professionals in Iran, but lost everything during the revolution and fled to the U.S. ([06:24]–[08:48]).
• Her mother, once the head nurse for the Shah, could not work due to language barriers; her father lost their nest egg and turned to manual labor.
• Patty witnessed her mother’s slide from equal partner to dependent, shifting power to her father:

  “Whoever controls your money controls you. And I’ve never forgotten that.” – Patty, [12:19]

• Her father became controlling and unfaithful; her mother, isolated and powerless, ultimately killed Patty’s father and herself. Patty recounts the deep shame and trauma that followed ([14:19]–[18:10]).
• Notable quote:

  “It took me a long time to get here… And right after they passed, my brother was 19 and he was still in college. So for me, I went into survival mode.” – Patty, [16:23]

2. Breaking the Cycle: Repeating Patterns and Realizations

• Four months after losing her parents, Patty found herself in a controlling, financially abusive relationship, paralleling her mother’s situation ([22:03]–[23:45]).
• She quit her job and moved for a man, becoming financially dependent. It was only possible for her to leave because she had a career to fall back on.
• Realization:

  “Financial independence is the key, the absolute key of having control over your own destiny.” – Patty, [23:45]

3. Patterns of Financial and Emotional Abuse

• Patty details extreme control: dictating her clothes, isolating her from friends, verbal abuse, and manipulative grand gestures (e.g., buying her a car as apology) ([24:02]–[29:16]).
• Leaving required stealth and courage; even then, loneliness and emotional entanglement drew her back temporarily ([29:19]–[33:10]).
• Her ex’s possessiveness bordered on stalking, underscoring the emotional cost of such dynamics ([35:00]–[36:40]).
• Quote:

  “I put up with it because I didn’t believe I deserved better. And I was scared of being alone.” – Patty, [25:23]

4. Financial Literacy ≠ Immunity to Abuse

• Patty was a successful attorney and banking executive, yet these patterns affected her, highlighting social conditioning and vulnerability:

  “It happens to the best of us because we’ve been brainwashed to believe that we need a man and that our entire self-worth is dependent on a man choosing us.” – Patty, [38:13]

• Nicole notes this is common among highly educated women, even those working in finance ([38:39]).

5. Marriage as Financial Contract, Not Just Love

• The episode challenges romantic myths:

  “I really understood that relationships in marriage has very little to do with love, but it is a financial decision and it’s the biggest financial decision you make.” – Patty, [40:05]

• Patty is now in a committed partnership without legal marriage, valuing autonomy and mutual choice ([41:00]–[41:59]).

6. Red Flags and Constructive Financial Practices

• Signs to watch: refusal to discuss money, secrecy, lack of transparency ([46:39]–[47:12]).
• Key advice:

  “If someone is not willing to talk about money or their finances, that’s a huge red flag.” – Patty, [46:46]

7. Financial Autonomy for All

• Patty and Nicole discuss account management for couples – “yours, mine, ours,” visibility (not secrecy), and the importance of each partner having independent resources ([49:31]–[54:12]).
• Patty recommends stay-at-home parents should be compensated or have their own income stream:

  “Labor in the home costs money… So if you’re not paying somebody else to do it, then you should be compensating your wife.” – Patty, [51:46]

8. 'FU Money' and Why Every Woman Needs It

• The concept: enough cash to leave a dangerous or unsatisfying situation immediately.

  “At least six months of living expenses. That’s what that is. The freedom that it gives you makes it FU money, not the amount.” – Patty, [56:36]

9. Healing and Ayahuasca Insights

• Patty shares that deep self-work (including an ayahuasca journey) revealed her role in enabling damaging dynamics, and that true healing empowers better choices ([57:15]–[59:03]).
• Seeking healed, self-aware partners is key:

  “Healed people seek healed people.” – Nicole & Patty, [59:00]–[59:03]

10. The Book & Its Message

• “Never Date a Broke Dude” is about financial, emotional, and mental independence—not gold-digging.
• Overcoming criticism of the provocative title, Patty insists women must prioritize independence:

  “Make your own money, make your own dreams come true… Because that prince can come and go.” – Patty, [62:07]

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Memorable Quotes & Timestamps

• On power dynamics:
  “Whoever controls your money controls you.” – Patty Asai [12:19]

• On intergenerational patterns:
  “I was doing the same exact thing as my mother now.” – Patty [22:18]

• On financial independence:
  “Financial independence is the key… of having control over your own destiny.” – Patty [23:45]

• On marriage:
  “Marriage has very little to do with love; it’s the biggest financial decision you make.” – Patty [40:05]

• On red flags:
  “If someone is not willing to talk about money or their finances, that’s a huge red flag.” – Patty [46:46]

• On 'FU Money':
  “At least six months of living expenses. The freedom that it gives you makes it FU money, not the amount.” – Patty [56:36]

• On being your own prince:
  “Be your own Prince Charming… I am my own Prince Charming, for sure.” – Patty [62:38], [62:40]

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Notable Moments & Anecdotes

• The harrowing story of Patty’s parents’ death and the aftermath ([13:54]–[18:10])
• Her daring escape from an abusive partner, dramatized like a movie scene ([29:19]–[32:22])
• The revealing insight from ayahuasca about her own enabling patterns ([57:15]–[58:17])
• Her now-partner Joel’s “musician” job skepticism flipped when he turned out to be a sought-after professional ([59:17]–[59:47])
• The strong, recurring message: the responsibility and empowerment in choosing yourself first.

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Major Takeaways

• Choosing a romantic partner is a financial decision with lifelong reverberations; approach it deliberately.
• Every individual, especially women in heteronormative structures, must maintain financial autonomy — for choice, safety, and self-respect.**
• Financial red flags are often embedded in communication avoidance and secrecy — always have transparent money talks early.
• Build your ‘FU Money’ as an act of self-care and self-preservation.
• Healing, self-awareness, and reframing socialized beliefs are necessary for breaking destructive cycles and attracting healthy relationships.
• It’s not ‘gold-digging’; advocating for equality and independence is a demand for respect and security.

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Related Resources

• [Patty Asai’s book: Never Date a Broke Dude]
• [Nicole Lapin’s book: Rich Bitch]
• Patty on TikTok: @duchessofdecorum for further stories and advice

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For more bite-sized, no-nonsense financial wisdom, listen to Money Rehab with Nicole Lapin.

Transcript

[Nicole Lapin]

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[Nicole Lapin]

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[Co-host or Interviewer]

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[Nicole Lapin]

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[Nicole Lapin]

And then I found Public about five years ago and I have not looked back. I can now finally buy bonds without wanting to rip my hair out. Public makes it so easy to buy bonds. Whether you're into Treasuries or corporate bonds, you can browse thousands of options right from your phone. But like I said, Public isn't just all about bonds. You can also find stocks and ETFs and they offer a high yield cash account with a 4.1% APY, which is higher than the national average. They even have retirement accounts. You can now open a traditional or Roth IRA or both right on public so your future self covered and for a limited time you can earn a 1% match on all your IRA deposits, IRA transfers and 401k rollovers. If you want an investing experience that's both smart and simple, head to public.com money rehab one more time. Public.com money rehab this is a paid endorsement for Public investing. Full disclosures and conditions can be found in the podcast description. I'm Nicole Lapin, the only financial expert. You don't need a dictionary to understand.

[Chime Representative]

It'S time for some Money Rehab.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Before we get started.

[Nicole Lapin]

I just want to let you know that today's episode includes descriptions of violence, emotional abuse and suicide.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Please take care while listening.

[Nicole Lapin]

Today I'm talking to Patty asai, a certified boss. She is a financial executive, a lawyer, an author, and on the surface, her.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Life looks pretty perfect. But it hasn't always been that way.

[Nicole Lapin]

Today, Patty pulls back the curtain on her own life and shares her experience growing up in a household where her mom was financially dependent on her dad and how that relationship turned toxic and the devastating consequences that followed. Patty's mother took her husband's life and then her own. In her 20s, Patty found herself repeating.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Some of the same patterns she saw.

[Nicole Lapin]

In her parents relationship and found herself in a financially abusive relationship. But those painful moments and that trauma became the foundation for the badass financial.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Life she eventually built. With so much darkness in her story.

[Nicole Lapin]

You might not guess it, but Patty is a total beam of light. And even though her story might make.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

You want to cry at times, she.

[Nicole Lapin]

Spends most of this conversation trying to make you smile. Today she tells me all the lessons.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

She extracted from relationships, which she also.

[Nicole Lapin]

Compiled in a book with a cheeky.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Title, Never Date a Broke Dude.

[Nicole Lapin]

In our conversation, Patty and I talk about why who you choose to partner with romantically is the biggest financial decision.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

You will ever make.

[Nicole Lapin]

And what to do if you're a stay at home parent who wants to maintain financial autonomy, how to spot financial red flags in a relationship that aren't.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So obvious, and of course, why she says you should never ever date a broke Krusty scrub. Patty asai, welcome to Money Rehab.

[Patty Asai]

Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

I'm so happy to have you. And I cannot wait to get into your book. But I gotta get into your story. Take me back to the beginning. You and your family immigrated here from Iran. Yes, and I grew up in Los Angeles, dubbed Tehran Jeles. But I want to hear the story straight from you.

[Patty Asai]

I was born in Iran. I lived there till I was seven. My mother worked for the Shah of Iran and she actually was the head nurse at his hospital. So she had a very prestigious job. And my dad had a great job. He was doing import and export business in Iran. And they were both very successful. They were the power couple. Everyone wanted to be like them. When the revolution occurred, my dad was really afraid for our lives. And the reason is one day he walked into his office and he just happened to be late that day. And a lot of his partners were of the Baha' I faith and they were slaughtered so he walks in and he sees that and he freaks out.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So you weren't Baha'?

[Patty Asai]

I? No. And so he was like, we've got to get out of here. And my mom, it's interesting, my mom really resisted that. But slowly we started to see that it was getting really dangerous because we lived in an area. It was a compound for the people that worked for the Shah. And I remember, like night after night when the revolution was there, thousands of people outside waiting to break in, to come and kill anybody that lived there. Helicopters above, machine guns. So we actually escaped. And we were on the last plane that was allowed out of Tehran. After that, they closed all of the airways and no one could come in or come out.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

People might not know the whole history there. Everybody was trying to get out at.

[Patty Asai]

The time, and anybody that had any affiliations with the Shah was trying to get out.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And both of your parents were super highly educated. Father had an amazing job there, but it didn't really translate.

[Patty Asai]

We didn't start out in Los Angeles. We went to Beaumont, Texas, where my cousin lived, because as an immigrant, you go to where your family is. Right. So Beaumont, Texas, is where Footloose was filmed. It was like such a backward place. We were in Texas for a while, but my mother was educated. My dad was not as educated as my mother, although he was very successful. So he was very street smart and he had great hustle. So he was super successful in Iran. When we moved here, due to the language barrier, my mother couldn't pass the nursing exam, so she couldn't work. And my father, again, couldn't find work in his respective field, which was importing and exporting. And we brought a small nest egg, which he lost in bad business dealings. So we ended up going from being pretty well off in Iran to being lower middle class in the United States.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

What was that? Nest egg?

[Patty Asai]

I think that nest egg was probably around a hundred thousand dollars. Something completely lost.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And you said that he also went into hard manual labor. Yes, just to make ends meet. What did he do?

[Patty Asai]

He started to build homes. So my. My cousin that lived in Beaumont knew somebody that was in construction, and they were like, we need somebody. Do you want to come? So my dad went and started to learn how to build homes, and that's what he did for a little while.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Just anything he could.

[Patty Asai]

Anything he could, yes.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And your mom was also trying to find work, but couldn't.

[Patty Asai]

Yes.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Pass the exam.

[Patty Asai]

Correct. My mother was trying to find work. She couldn't pass the nursing exam. And wherever she went, her English Wasn't that great. So it was just really hard for her to get work. And it's not like it is now, the digital era. Right. It's not like she could have done something online. She just couldn't do anything. So she was relegated to the home.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Yeah, I mean, my. Both my parents immigrated to the States too, so I'm first generation. And I remember just hearing stories about going to ESL classes back in the day. There was no other way.

[Patty Asai]

Right. And I didn't know any English didn't exist. I didn't know any English. When I moved to the United States, I literally had to learn on the fly. And it was really difficult because being 70 years old, being thrown into a school in Beaumont, Texas, nobody looked like me. Everyone had blonde hair, blue eyes. I didn't speak the language. It was terrifying.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

I can only imagine.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And your mom, it sounds like, became financially dependent on your dad.

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Which wasn't the case back home.

[Patty Asai]

Exactly. And that's where I saw the power dynamic shift. So I saw when we were in Iran, my parents really were equal in the relationship they were making. Both of them were making great money. I actually think my mother may have been making more money than my father, but there were equals in the relationship. But once we moved to the United States, I saw the power dynamic shift. And when I saw the power dynamic shift, I slowly started to realize what this was about. And my mother would always remind me, then what happened. My father started to dictate what we could spend money on and what we couldn't. And in his defense, we really didn't have a lot of money, but he really controlled everything. And when my parents would get into an argument about money, my mother would always take me into a room and say, do you see how my life has changed because I don't make my own money? And she said, it doesn't matter how much money your husband makes, you always make and control your own money, because whoever controls your money controls you. And I've never forgotten that. And that's exactly what happened to my mom. My dad started to have infidelity toward my mother. That started around when I was 16 years old. Around then there was a, you know, one incident that I know that my mother found out about. They broke up for a short period of time. My dad begged her to get back together. They did. And then it started again when I was about 24 years old.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And more brazenly.

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely. A lot more brazenly. At that point, my mother was so broken down mentally and emotionally, and she couldn't really function. She was so depressed because he had been so unfaithful to her, right to her face. And it got to a point where he was just like, oh, well, so what? What are you going to do? And that really put her over the.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Edge because she didn't have money to.

[Nicole Lapin]

Go do anything else.

[Patty Asai]

I know, absolutely. She didn't have choices. She didn't have money. She didn't have anything of her own. And it's not just money. It's having your own life, having your own hobbies. Everything was centered around me and my brother. Everything was centered around my dad. And then my brother and I, we left to go to school. I went to law school. My brother went to college. And it was just you and my dad. And she poured everything she had into him. And when he wasn't there for her any longer, she felt like she was a nobody and she had nothing.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And when she was telling you, you know, Patty, make sure you always have your own money. You were 7, and then you were probably preteen teenager. Like, you heard this throughout.

[Patty Asai]

Yes.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Growing up, I'm sure she was absolutely emotional. Did it register when she would say that, that to you?

[Patty Asai]

Yes, it totally registered. Because I saw it. I really saw that, how that impacted her life, because I always say money is power, and it gives you power to choose. And she didn't have the power to choose because she didn't have money. But what's also really interesting is that my father was all about me getting an education. We didn't even have conversations around marriage ever in my household, except when it was around when I couldn't get married. My parents were like, until you graduate law school, you have your own career, you can't even discuss marriage.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And then there was more. It sounds like infidelity, more control, as you were going to college.

[Patty Asai]

Yes.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And there was a day that you were so worried about your mom, you did a wellness check.

[Patty Asai]

Yes. So what happened was that I received a call from my mother that morning, and she was beside herself. And at this point, she was under a lot of psychiatric treatment. She was taking probably six or seven psychotropic medications that I didn't even know about. I found out later, and all of them were just making her insane, literally insane. And I remember one morning I received a call from her, and she said that she had a huge fight with my dad. And my dad was very brazen. And that's the time when he was the most brazen. He had said that, yes, I am having an affair. And in Fact, I did this and this and this in this house with her, and, yeah, just totally put her over the edge. So she had called me, and I was at work, and I was a district attorney at that point, and I was in court. I was working. And she called me that morning. I spoke with her, and I said, okay, I understand. Don't worry. I'm going to get you a plane ticket and I'm going to fly you out tonight. I said, I have to get back to work, but when I come back for lunch, I will call you and let you know when you're going to fly out tonight. So I got back to my desk and I called her, and nobody answered. And I thought that was really weird. And I kept calling and nobody answered. And then my dad's work called me and said that he had left for lunch but had never come back. So I was like, okay, something weird happened. And they drove by the house. Both cars were there. So I was very worried, obviously, throughout the day. And at 6pm My time, which was 7pm Their time, I was in Chicago. They were living in Colorado. I finally called the police, and I said, hey, can you go do a wellness check? So I remember that night. It was me and one of my best friends, Leanna. We were in the office late, and the police called back, and they told me. They were like, is anybody there with you? And I said, yes. And they said, put her on the phone. So then I knew there was something wrong. So they put her on the phone. She got off the phone, and she said, the police went in and they found your parents had passed away and that your mother unalived your father and then unalived herself.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

How long has it taken you to even recount this story?

[Patty Asai]

A very long time, because I was ashamed of it for many years. Only a handful of people knew the truth. Everybody else who asked about it, I would always say that my parents passed in a car accident. And part of it was shame. The other part was that I didn't want to see the look on people's faces when they heard the truth, because it's very jarring, right? And people don't know how to react. People don't know what to say. It took me a long time to get here. And right after they passed, my brother was 19 and he was still in college. So for me, I went into survival mode. And that's what I've really learned how to do since I was an immigrant and I was the older daughter, and I had to take the reins. So I went to Survival mode and just making sure that. And my parents, you know, I wasn't left in inheritance. Right. So I had to make sure that my brother was okay. So I went into the survival mode where making sure that he's studying, he's going to school, he's going to go to law school, he's going to do all those things. And I remember he had graduated law school, he took the bar, he had passed. And I remember the phone call. I was in a doctor's office when he called me and he said, I passed the bar and I have a job. And as soon as he said that to me at that moment, I realized that I had been living in these seven years from the time my parents passed in making sure that he was okay. And now that he's okay, now I have to really deal with, with my issues. And I think that's when the healing started.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

That's when it really, like you could exhale. He was taken care of.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah. And I would say healing, that's when the pain really started. Because obviously in the beginning you're in shock. Right. There are months and months and months and months. I cried every single night. Every single night I would cry myself to sleep. But it was different kind of pain then to where when my brother finally said that to me, I was like, oh my God, then I really am screwed because I haven't dealt with the pain.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

You're just pushing it down.

[Patty Asai]

Yes. I was in survival mode. I was in auto mode. And I wanted to make sure that my brother got to where he needed to be and where my parents needed him to be. And in doing that, I have a lot of regret because I forgot that he was a human. I never asked my brother, how are you doing emotionally? How are you doing with all of this? It was all a focus about him progressing. How are your grades? Are you doing well? Did you apply to law school? What law school are you going to go to? When are you going to take the bar? What was your LSAT score? It was just that because I wanted to see him progress and I left a lot behind in trying to help him emotionally.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Well, you probably took the role of your parent.

[Patty Asai]

I did. I could have done a better job. I was only 24. If I could go back, I would do it differently. Obviously, I would focus also on his emotional well being, which was something that I. And I think I wasn't dealing with his emotional well being because I wasn't dealing with my emotional well being.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Right.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah. So that wasn't a thing like letting your Emotions into this. Damn. Like that. Letting your emotions and mental health get in the way of success is not a thing. So I think that's why all of that happened.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

You said you felt shame. You didn't do anything, so why did you feel shame?

[Patty Asai]

I felt shame because my family wasn't perfect. That they would think that my mother was a nut job, for lack of better words, that my mom was crazy when she really wasn't. I mean, that was just toward the end of her life. That doesn't define who she is. The Iranian community is very judgmental when it comes to these things. So I felt ashamed that I didn't have. Not only did I not have the money that most of the Iranians did that lived in the United States, that was a source of shame for me, but also now I didn't have the family that I should have. I didn't have the perfect family. And that's what caused a lot of the shame.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And you said that people didn't know how to respond, so you just made up a story.

[Patty Asai]

Yes.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

I'm sure you encounter this a lot. People don't really know what to say. What would you suggest to somebody? What's the right response?

[Patty Asai]

I don't know if there's the right response, but I think the best response that I could think of is for someone just to say, you know what? I'm really sorry you went through that. I'm really sorry you went through that. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, that's it. Because there's nothing else people can say. Nothing's going to change it. It's not going to make it better. But just people say, I'm really sorry for that. And now that I'm more open about it, I do videos about it because I think it's really important to share the story. I get a lot of that.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So it's nice and I appreciate you doing that. And it's so remarkable what you've gone through since then and the healing process where you've come to the conclusion that financial independence is so.

[Nicole Lapin]

So critical.

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Born of this trauma and, yes, terror. I'm sure there was a lot of healing that took place. When did you get to the point where you could actually link it to financial independence?

[Nicole Lapin]

Independence.

[Patty Asai]

I didn't link it to financial independence until I broke up with the guy whose arms I ran into four months after my parents passed.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Tell me about that.

[Patty Asai]

Yes. So I felt so alone. I felt so empty. I felt like I didn't have anybody in my life. My family, the people that I was Closest to my cousins, they lived in Texas. My other cousins lived in Kuwait. So I didn't have anybody around me. And I felt very lonely in Chicago. And I met this Iranian man who I thought was perfect. And he was really just my dad in a different version. Extremely controlling, extremely possessive. And I ended up giving up my job to move to California with him and not having any money. And that's when I realized I'm doing the same exact thing as my mother now. Luckily, I had a career I could fall back on. I was studying for the bar in California because you have to pass the bar in California in order to be able to practice. I was studying for the bar and I had a career. So I had a backup. But then I started thinking, what if I didn't have this backup? Then I would be stuck with this guy for the rest of my life and I would die a slow death. And that's when it hit me that financial independence is the key, the absolute key of having control over your own destiny.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Amen. Yeah, amen, sister. It sounds like there's other sort of verbal abuse, maybe some financial abuse going on in that relationship too. A toxic cycle of negativity and then grand gestures.

[Patty Asai]

Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. There was a lot of verbal abuse. First of all, he controlled what I wore. You're gonna laugh when I tell you this. We'd go to the beach and he would require me to wear a maternity swimsuit. Just think about that for a second. I couldn't wear a regular swimsuit. I had to wear. You know, the maternity swimsuits were like. It's like, yeah, right. I had to wear that. I couldn't wear anything that showed my shoulders or any, because that was too revealing. So he controlled what I wore. I couldn't have any male friends, even though I grew up a tomboy and I was around men all the time. And so my closest friends were men. I had to give up all my male friends for him. Yeah. And he would give himself permission to call me a. Or call me a. Slo. Yes, yes. Over the stupidest things. For example, we were at the grocery store, there was a 14 year old kid bagging our groceries. And I remember saying, oh, thank you so much. You're so cute. Thank you. Just very. In passing. He'd be like, why do you always have to flirt with people? Why do you always have to act like a whore? Yeah, that's. That is the type of stuff that I put up with for five years of my life. And I put up with it because I didn't believe I deserved better. And I was scared of being alone.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

It sounds like you emulated some of what you saw in your parents.

[Patty Asai]

No. Absolutely yes. For sure. I always had a job. I always worked. I was an attorney. But the time when I moved to California, I didn't. I couldn't work because I had left my job in Chicago. I had to study for the bar.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

You passed the bar in.

[Patty Asai]

In Illinois? Yes, I'd passed the bar in Illinois. But in California requires you to take the bar again. You don't get grandfathered in like most other states. So I had to sit for the bar again. So I was waiting for my bar results. So in the meantime, I wasn't working and I was just relying on him for the money.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

I watched a Tick Tock series that you did on this. Thank you for all this content that you do.

[Patty Asai]

I love it.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

It sounds like not only did he say you couldn't have any male friends, but he was also living with his ex, who was.

[Patty Asai]

Yes.

[Nicole Lapin]

Pregnant.

[Patty Asai]

Oh, my God. It's like a movie. Yes. So when I first met him, I thought he was single. And I recalled that I only had his work phone number. I didn't have his home phone number. And I always called him at work because we were always at work. And then I would see him, he'd come pick me up after work, we'd go to dinner, and then I would go to my house and it was just whatever. And I asked him for his home phone number and he gave it to me. And he's like, but please don't call it. I'm like, what do you mean? Why shouldn't I call your home? So then to this day, I don't know if this is true or not, to be honest, but this is what he told me is that he was living with some. With a girl that followed him from New York, that he wasn't in love with her. This is what he's telling me. He could have been in love with her, I don't know. And that she tricked him into having a baby. That she got pregnant, he didn't want her to have the child, but she insisted on having the child. That they're broken up and he is looking for a place for her to live. But until they find a place for her to live, he's not going to kick out a pregnant woman on the street. So that was the story that I was told. And what did you think again back then? I was so desperate that I believed it. And I think some of it was true to Be honest. I think that he was in a relationship that he necessarily didn't want to be in. I think he loved her as a person. I don't believe that he was in love with her and she got pregnant and he didn't know what to do at that point. But he shouldn't have been pursuing anybody else, right? If you have your pregnant, even ex girlfriend living with you, that's okay. Chill out for a second, right? You don't need to be going out. But I was so young and I was so desperate that I didn't see that red flag. I started to feel sorry for him and poor him. And that's the way he made it sound to me.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And it sounds like you guys were just in this gnarly cycle of highs and lows, too. So you see this in a lot of abusive relationships of all varieties. Physical, financial, emotional. And oftentimes there's two of the three, or all three. But then he would buy you things. What kind of things would he buy?

[Patty Asai]

Yes, a car. Literally a car that was the most expensive thing that he bought me. Anytime that I would be at my breaking point, he would buy me something and that would just reel me back in because, like, see, he does love me. He got me a car, like the car that I really wanted. And back then, I'm really dating myself. But it was the BMW 5 Series. It was a stick shift. And that's what I really wanted, was the color. I wanted everything. He would reel me back in with that type of behavior.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

When did you leave?

[Patty Asai]

It was two weeks before the California Bar. We were living in San Diego. And I will never forget this. I was so sick of him and his mother. His mother was living with us. And she was a cruel, cruel human being. She really was. She would say just the meanest things to me. And here I am trying to study for the bar. And she was just. Just on me. And one day I looked at myself in the mirror, and I had no idea who I was. I had just become this thing, this piece of meat flesh that he wanted me to be. I had no idea who I was. And then his mother was on me. So that night I said to him, I said, can we find a place for your mother to live right down the street? And it's not like she was an old woman who couldn't. She was very active. She was very healthy. It's not like she needed to live with somebody, right? I said, just right down the street. I'm like, this is way too hard on me. I'm Trying to study for the bar. This is way too much stress. Can we just find her a place to live? And he said to me, my mother isn't going anywhere, but you do whatever the f you want. And, Nicole, I don't know what happened. I don't know what it was about that one statement that he made, but I remember just a switch flipped in my head, and I was like, are you kidding? What am I doing? So right away, I called one of my best friends from law school, Eileen. She is still in la, and she had this amazing home in Beverly Hills back then. Her husband was very successful. I called her, I told her what was going on. She's like, come live with us. She goes, I'm in this big house by myself, and my husband works, so come live with us. And that's when I was like, I'm leaving. I made the decision right at that moment that I was leaving, but. But he didn't know I was leaving because he would try to stop me. I knew that. So what I did is I packed up as much as I could in two suitcases and a duffel bag, and I stuck it in the closet. The next morning, I remember him waking up and going downstairs, and I was hoping to wake up before him, but that didn't happen. He woke up really early. He went downstairs and. And I got myself together, and I slowly took the suitcases and duffel bag all hanging on me, slowly tried to go down the stairs without him hearing me, because the door was right by the bottom of the stairs. I got to the bottom of the stairs, and I heard him coming from around the corner. So I swung the door open. I'm basically running to my car. He's like, where are you going?

[Nicole Lapin]

What are you doing?

[Patty Asai]

Like, you started screaming, you know what? What is going on? And I put the suitcases. I put everything in my car, and I said, you told me I could do whatever the f I want, and that's what I'm doing. And I literally screeched out. It was like a movie. I screeched out of the driveway and I left, and I went to Los Angeles.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Has anyone reached out to you for a movie?

[Patty Asai]

Not yet, but they should. Who do we want to. They should, right? Yeah, I know. It would be amazing.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Spielberg, let's go.

[Patty Asai]

Yes. Oscar. Yeah, it really is. But I got back together with him after that.

[Nicole Lapin]

Oh, Patty.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah, yeah.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Why again?

[Patty Asai]

Because I was lonely in Los Angeles. I eventually got an apartment myself. I got a job, and I was just so lonely. And he kept begging me to come back, begging me, begging me, begging and pleading with me to come back. And I did. And very quickly I realized again, he is not the one for me. And the final, final straw was when he had read my emails. He read my emails and how did.

[Nicole Lapin]

He get in there?

[Patty Asai]

Great question. I had an issue with my computer and he told me I'll fix it, but he needed my password. So I gave him the password to my computer and he got into my emails and he read it and there was nothing in my emails that were bad. He went crazy over and this is how stupid he was. An email that I sent to a friend of mine talking about how I couldn't wait for he and his wife and his kids to come to LA so we could hook up. And he took hooking up meaning oh my God, I mean, how stupid. And he brought this to my attention. And then that was the final straw. That is when I asked him to leave. He wasn't living with me. I was living in la. Who's living in San Diego. And I told him, get the f out. I never ever want to see you again. This is truly it.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Do you need a restraining order?

[Patty Asai]

He no. But he would keep coming back. I would just find him like by my house. I remember there was one day that I went home and this is months after we broke up. Like he kept showing up at my work events. There was a work event in San Diego and you're going to find this really interesting. There was a work event in San Diego and I had left a box in his house that had my parents belongings, which meant something to me. So I called him, I said, hey, I'm coming to San Diego for this work event. Can I stop by after on Sunday? It's, it's Friday through Sunday. Can I stop by after to pick up the box? He's like, yeah, sure, no problem. And we're just talking and I'm thinking, okay, we're cool, we're friends. He's like, where is it? I told him at the Hotel Coronado. And I go, but Sunday I'll call you and I'll come pick it up. And I remember that Friday I was sitting in the conference room watching the person presenting. And the conference room had all glass and I turned to my right and he was outside staring at me. This is a total movie. Yes.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Like it turns into a horror.

[Nicole Lapin]

Yes.

[Patty Asai]

Staring at me through the glass. Yes. And I'm like, oh my God. So I go in the bathroom and I call him. I'm like, what are you doing? Why Are you here? He's like, I need to talk to you. I'm like, I am at a work event for the weekend. Like, I can't talk. I was like, leave. We're gonna be in this room until five. So he's like, okay, I'll leave. So I go, I'll call you on Sunday. We can talk on Sunday. That I was trying to just get him to leave. So I come out to go to dinner, because, you know, these events. You go to the conference thing, and then you go to dinner. He's standing outside waiting for me. Yeah. Trying to force me to get into his car. I didn't do it. I was like, I have to go. Following the car that I am in with my colleagues. We're laughing about something. And him calling me is like, I. I hear you laughing. I'm like, at who? Where are you? You're laughing at me. I'm like, where are you? And he's right next to me. It was crazy. It was crazy. Yeah, he wouldn't leave me alone. And, yeah, I didn't think about getting a restraining order because he finally did leave me alone. But at the. He showed up at my house after that. I was pulling into my garage, and I saw him sitting in a car. I was like, oh, my God. So I opened my garage door. It opened so slowly. I'm like, ah. So I went in, and it closed before he could come in. And I was like, go away. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Were you physically scared of him?

[Patty Asai]

Oh, absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Did he ever.

[Patty Asai]

No, he was never physical with me, ever. But I was physically afraid.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Did you ever get that box back?

[Patty Asai]

Yes. So that Sunday, finally, he came back with the box because I said, bring it and I'll talk to you. So he brought it, and he was hoping. He was begging and pleading, and I actually, to be honest, felt sorry for him. He was just begging and pleading so much for me to come get back together. And I was just like. I just. I knew I couldn't do it.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Do you think part of the draw to him. I'm assuming he knew what happened with your parents.

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And loved you or said he loved you just the same. Were you worried that another man wouldn't feel that way?

[Patty Asai]

I don't know if it was more about my parents, but I was. I was afraid that another man wouldn't love me like he did. I do believe he loved me in a very sick way, but I was just very afraid of being alone. I think that's what it was.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

You're such a badass. R were. Present tense, past tense, future tense. Lawyer. Ran commercial banking teams. Tell me if I'm missing anything. M and A team.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

The most literate, from book smart to street smart. My God. And so when you come out talking about how financial abuse or financial control can happen to even the most financially literate women, it's truly incredible that you're doing that because I can imagine that you also felt shame around that. Like you got these degrees, you ran these teams, but how are you dealing with this?

[Patty Asai]

I was a very successful lawyer when I was with him. Yet. And this just goes show that it happens to the best of us because we've been brainwashed to believe that we need a man and that our entire self worth is dependent on a man choosing us. And unless a man chooses us, we are not good enough. And that is the lie that we've been told that we believe. And this is why we stay in these relationships.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

It's the number one thing that I see from women, that money allows you to have the choice within work, but also within relationship to leave an abusive situation. Because otherwise there are many women that I see all the time who don't know where the money is, who don't have their own money and are too scared to leave or too scared even if they worked in financial services. We've had women on the show who worked at banks and are like, how does this happen to me? I know this stuff. I do this stuff for other people, but I can't do it for myself. Why is there this disconnect?

[Patty Asai]

I think there's a disconnect because we've been told that we're not good with money. Even though we work with money, it doesn't matter that we're not good with money. We need to hand over the reins to the man and make him feel like a man. Because men feel like they need control to feel like a man and they need control over our finances, our lives. They're the ones that need to be the leaders in the home. And we really succumb to that because we don't want them to feel less than.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And you say understandably that your partner is the biggest financial decision Absolutely. Ever make. You've seen a wide spectrum.

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

When did you finally get to that conclusion? Was it after this relationship?

[Patty Asai]

After this relationship? Yes. I really understood that relationships in marriage has very little to do with love, but it is a financial decision and it's the biggest financial decision you make. And I know that for a fact? Because the biggest reasons marriages break up is because of finances. That's the number one reason. So love has nothing to do with it. Love can't keep you together. Being on the same financial page is what keeps you together. And until you understand that marriage is a financial decision rather than a love decision, you're going to be in trouble.

[Nicole Lapin]

Well, marriage is contract.

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And you?

[Patty Asai]

It's a financial contract. Yes.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

You are now engaged.

[Patty Asai]

Yes.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

I want to say congratulations, but you're never getting married.

[Patty Asai]

No, I'm not.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So this was just a commitment. And a beautiful ring.

[Patty Asai]

Thank you. Yes, it was an extra level of commitment for us. We are life partners. I've been with him for over eight years. We're very, very happy. But I don't see a need for marriage. And to be honest, marriage is based out of patriarchy. That's where marriage originates from, is out of the patriarchal system. So for me, it's rebelling against that a little bit. And I understand that's not the case any longer. But for me, anything that comes from patriarchy is something that I don't want to engage in.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So you're gonna stay with him as long as you want?

[Patty Asai]

As long as I want. As long as he wants. Anyone is free to leave whenever they want. And I think that's the beauty of it, that we're not there because we have a contract telling us that we have to be there or, oh, my gosh, it's gonna be so difficult to unwind this thing. We're there because we truly want to be, not because we have to be.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

I assume he is not a broke dude.

[Patty Asai]

No, he's not. Definitely not.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Of course, your book, Never Date a Broke Dude. How did you get to that conclusion that you're also a woman with provocative names for books? Yeah.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah. So I got to that conclusion by dating a few broke dudes, and it was horrible. That was actually the biggest financial mistake I'd ever made in my life. I dated a broke dude for two years. I supported him fully. He didn't pay for anything, and I ended up with my heart broken, him breaking up with me, and $30,000 in debt.

[Nicole Lapin]

You were in debt?

[Patty Asai]

I was in debt because of him. Because of him. Because I had to support two people. I was doing well. I was in my early 30s, but I wasn't making enough to support two people. And I would just put things on my credit card, and I was so afraid to ask him to contribute to anything because I didn't want him to leave. It's like anything to have a warm body next to me as long as you don't leave. And I was afraid to say, hey, can you pitch in for something? Can you pitch in for the groceries? Can you maybe pitch him for the light bill or anything like that? I was afraid to do that. And I wanted to be the ride and die chick. And that was the biggest financial mistake I've ever made.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

But this wasn't the five year abusive guy because he bought you?

[Patty Asai]

No, no, no, no, no. He was, yes, he was financially secured. This guy wasn't controlling at all. Because you can't be broke and controlling, you know, like those two things just don't go together. He wasn't controlling. He allowed me to be me. He allowed me to be free, which was very liberating for me. And that's one of the reasons that I liked him so much, is because he was like that.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

But did you have then the control? Because when your mom would tell you, whoever has the money has control.

[Patty Asai]

No, I did not have the control. And the reason I didn't have the control is because of the brainwashing that we are under, that regardless of whatever the financial situation is, he's still the man in the relationship. You can't be the man and not do anything that the man is supposed to do. And I didn't know that distinction back then.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So what's the distinction now that you believe is the right one?

[Patty Asai]

That there is no such thing as being the man in the relationship. That both parties have to be equal in the relationship. They have to have equal say. So in the relationship. Both parties need to contribute financially in the relationship and have decision making power in the relationship the same. And contribute to the household duties, contribute to the child rearing responsibilities and to the emotional well being of the relationship. And until both people are doing that, that relationship is doomed.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Do you think that men should avoid broke women?

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So just broke people should not be in a relationship.

[Patty Asai]

Broke people. But here's the difference, Nicole. This is why I don't really talk about dating broke women as an issue. The reason I don't talk about that is because men lead with their money. The guy who's five, three, balding, looking like George Costanza, but is a millionaire, he understands that the Hot 510 model doesn't want him for his looks, doesn't want him for his personality. His personality cannot be that great. He leads with his money saying, I know I don't have these other things, but I can provide you a lifestyle that you would Never have without me. And he is okay with that. He's perfectly okay with that. And that's the difference. Women are not okay with somebody wanting them for their money. In fact, women that have a lot of money, we go out of our way to make sure that he wants us for us and that he's not using us versus men don't care.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So there's no woman, you think that wants to be a sugar mama?

[Patty Asai]

I think they may fall into that, but I think that they really have to feel like the man loves them, whether it's true or not. I don't think a woman says, I don't care if you truly love me for me and you love me for my money, and that's okay.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

What are some financial red flags? Because when you're starting to date somebody, you don't know if they're potentially rich or not. Unless you're that 5, 3 George Stanza guy who flaunts it. You know, most normal people, you know, don't lead with that.

[Nicole Lapin]

Right.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

In a dating conversation. So what's a red flag that somebody should watch out for?

[Patty Asai]

One of the biggest red flags is if they don't want to talk about money, that is huge. Because if they don't want to talk about money, there's a reason that they don't want to talk about money. And it tells you. Either they have money issues or they're secretive about how they spend their money, or they don't want you to know that they don't have any. So if someone is not willing to talk about money or their finances, that's a huge red flag.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Well, we say this on the show all the time. The only financial problem you can't fix is the one you don't talk about or don't.

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely. Absolutely. And you have to have financial discussions before you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone. Because if you're not on the same page financially, like I said, that marriage is not going to last.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And we're talking about straight couples here. There's a culture in straight relationships that a man pays on the first date. Do you think a man should pay on the first date to show that he can provide for a woman? Or do you. You're also a big proponent of female empowerment and equality. Do you think that women should pay on a first date to show independence?

[Patty Asai]

I think whoever asks should pay on the first date. That's just etiquette. That's rules of etiquette. If I ask somebody to lunch, I pay regardless of who it is. But I think we're really caught in this provider and protector mentality even today. And what we don't understand is that men should be the providers and women are the nurturers of comes from this fallacy that men were hunters and women were gatherers. That's where it comes from. We're saying, okay, we're not hunting and gathering anymore. So the men are the providers and protectors and women are the nurturers. But that is absolutely false. That has been disproven. Women hunted right along with the men. 50% of women hunted right along with the men were warriors right along with the men were leaders right along with the men. So this whole provider and protector fallacy is only something that was created by the patriarchy to keep women in check and to keep women under a man's thumb. Because if it came out that we actually hunted and we were actually warriors and we were actually leaders, we wouldn't accept the natural role that they try to force us in.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

That's right. You tell them, Patty, who paid on the first date in your current relationship?

[Patty Asai]

He paid because he asked me out first. However, I'm an equal contributor to the relationship.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

How do you guys work that out?

[Patty Asai]

He pays once, I pay once. That's if we just go back and forth.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Do you have a joint account?

[Patty Asai]

No, absolutely not. Always everything is separate. Everything is separate? Yes. We don't own any property together. We don't have a joint bank account. We don't have any of that.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

But do you know what's in his bank account and vice versa?

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Do you have logins?

[Patty Asai]

We don't, but if he wanted it, I would give it to him. And vice versa. There's no need for that. I don't think I should have control over his personal account and he shouldn't have control over my personal account.

[Nicole Lapin]

But visibility.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah, visibility, absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So do you think it's a red flag if somebody doesn't share their financial information login information, too? Like if you're in a marriage and you have kids, you know, I have my husband's brokerage login, and yes, vice versa. And we have all the logins.

[Patty Asai]

You should have all the financial information about assets, bank accounts, 401ks, retirement accounts, whose name is on the deed, who owns the house, insurance, everybody. The trust information. Everyone should have access to all of that information, and not just because your significant other may swindle you. That could be the case. And there's countless stories that would just blow your mind, Nicole, if I told you about how men have Swindled women who didn't know anything. But in case something happens to him, I can't tell you how many women have no idea what to do when their husband passes away. They don't know how much money they have. They don't know what assets they have. They know nothing.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

It's the time that I see women start to take control of their financial life because they have no other choice when they get divorced or when their spouse dies.

[Patty Asai]

And I always say, you need to inspect what you expect.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Yeah. Because it's too late, right? At that point.

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

What would you say to stay at home moms who might not have their own source of income, but you suggest that they should be financially independent? Should they have a secret account?

[Patty Asai]

I don't think they should have a secret account because you should never have secrets. But I do think that they should have their own account. Now, I do think that labor in the home should be compensated monetarily. So I do think that a husband whose wife stays at home, takes care of the kids, she should receive some sort of compensation for that.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

How does that go?

[Patty Asai]

It depends on the couple and what they agree on. But labor in the home costs money. If you were to have somebody else do it, you would be paying that person to do it totally. Housekeeper, how exactly? Nanny. Exactly. So if you're not paying somebody else to do it, then you should be compensating your wife. Or that's something that the husband and wife can come to a conclusion. But I seriously think that is something that everybody should consider if they're staying at home, because they're also giving up their career. And there's opportunity costs in the things that you're giving up right now. If you don't want to do it that way, you can have a side hustle. And right now we're in the digital age where you could literally make money just doing data entry. If you have zero skills, you can still make some money on the side. And it doesn't have to be a lot, but start with a little. Make some money every single week on the side. Put that in account where you only have access to, where you only have control over. So in case something happens, you have options to leave.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So not secret, not soul control.

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely. And he should have an account where he has sole control over that money as well.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So do you advocate the yours mine hours approach for accounts?

[Patty Asai]

Yes. Well, if you want a joint account for family expenses or for things like that's okay, you can have that account. But the money that goes into your account should come from your personal account that you only have access to. So your paycheck shouldn't be going into the joint account.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So if a stay at home mom wants to have a conversation like that but is too nervous, that might just be a red flag in and of itself. But how can a system like that be set up? There's just a certain percentage of a paycheck that goes into another account. Do you give your significant other who's not stay at home an invoice? How does, how have you seen it best work?

[Patty Asai]

I've seen it best work. Especially if both people are working. Okay. I think the best way is that each person contributes the same percentage of their salary into the joint account for household expenses. I think that's a really great way of doing it. Okay.

[Nicole Lapin]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Because it's weighted.

[Patty Asai]

It's weighted. Right. Even though the ultimate numbers are different, it's still fair. And I think that's the fairest way to do it. If both people are working.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Agree.

[Patty Asai]

If both people are not working, then what I suggest is you really have to be business minded around this. Write down all of the things that you do around the house and how much the average per hour is for those duties and you tally that up and you go in with numbers. I always say going with facts, not feelings that I do. X amount of hours of work around the house. This is how it's broken down. If you were to hire somebody to do all of these things, this is what it would come to. I think it's only fair that I get whatever you think is fair. X percentage of this amount. And I would like to get that money and put it in an account where I can feel safe, where I can feel secure and have money that I can do whatever I want with. And you just have to do it because if you don't, you will put yourself in a very dangerous situation and it could be literally a matter of life or death. Like my mother. It's not just about being able to buy a bag. It's not just about being able to buy shoes. It's your life.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Because fast forward what that looks like after years and years of resentment and years and years of financial abuse. Potentially correct. Where it could lead to the unthinkable.

[Patty Asai]

Yes, absolutely. I know Dr. Jen Mann, her great aunt Tony. She had a great saying and she. Dr. J. Man was saying that she was the type of woman that got buried in a Chanel suit. And she said every woman should have fu money. Every woman. And she said that years ago. And I Believe every woman should have fu money.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

To not have to tolerate.

[Patty Asai]

To not have to tolerate situations that you don't want to tolerate, whatever that may be. It's different for everybody. But if you want to be able to leave a situation, you have to have enough money to get a place to live, to get a car, to be able to support your bills and your children for a period of time until you can get on your feet fully. That's what you need.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So F you money to you is.

[Patty Asai]

Not.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Millions and millions of dollars. It's like the basics. It's your financial go bag.

[Patty Asai]

Yes. At least six months of living expenses. That's what that is. The freedom that it gives you makes it f you money. Not the amount.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

I love that.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Patty, you're an incredible woman. Thank you so much for your insights. We end all of our episodes by asking for a tip that listeners can take straight to the bank. You've already talked about so many when it comes to relationship. I know you also had some ayahuasca induced relationship revelation. So if you want to leave us with something you learned from an ayahuasca journey, that would be great too.

[Patty Asai]

I can tell you my ayahuasca journey.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So where was it? Peru.

[Patty Asai]

It was in Peru. I went to Peru. Because if you really want to do it, you have to do it, right? Yeah. So I went to Peru and I went in the middle of the Amazon jungle and I was there for seven days. I did ayahuasca for five nights. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Because you feel like you're going to die. It's a horrific, very scary experience. But once you come out of it, things come to light that you didn't know before. And what came to light to me is that these men that I had been dating and making excuses for, that I was enabling and that I was complicit and allowing them to treat me the way that they treated me. I always used to blame them, but after I did ayahuasca, I came to realize that it's not just them. You're a player in this, and it's actually more you because you're the one that's allowing that behavior.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

It's true.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

When I used to go on dates and you would hear somebody just rail on their ex, you haven't done the work right, sir.

[Patty Asai]

Exactly.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

It's two. You were absolutely picked that person.

[Patty Asai]

Yes. And how I knew that the man that I'm with now, Joel, was the man is when I asked him about his ex or his exes. He would start talking about his role first.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Oh, Joel.

[Patty Asai]

He would. He's never called any of them crazy or anything like that. He would start to talk about what he did and how he allowed certain things to happen. So I was like, okay, this is a healed person.

[Nicole Lapin]

Healed.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Healed people seek healed people.

[Patty Asai]

Yes, exactly.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

I'm sure you wouldn't have been ready for him.

[Patty Asai]

I wasn't. I would. I wouldn't have even looked at him had I met him five years earlier, even 10 years earlier, I wouldn't have even looked at him.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

It's always like that.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Did you guys meet?

[Patty Asai]

We met on Bumble and I thought that he was a broke dude because he told me that he was a musician. So I was like, I'm not gonna date a broke musician working in a dive bar. What am I gonna do with a musician? And I spoke to one of my best friends who's a very successful music producer, and I said, hey, do you know this guy is. Yeah, he's one of the most sought after guitar players in the country. I was like, oh, he's that kind of musician. So I gave him a shot.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And what did he think when he saw the title of your book?

[Patty Asai]

He loved it. Because he's not a broke dude. It's only the broke men, the men that don't have money, that get offended by that title. Every man that has his own money says, absolutely, you should never date a broke dude. Every single guy.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

So tell me about some of the criticism that you received around the title of your book.

[Patty Asai]

That I am encouraging women to be gold diggers, which is the antithesis of what this book is about. It's called the Financial Freedom Playbook. And part of it is not dating a broke dude. But if you read the book, it's really teaching women how to be financially, emotionally, and mentally independent. That's what the book is about. It's not about gold digging.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Listen, I wrote Rich Bitch.

[Patty Asai]

Right? Exactly.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

I heard the same. Exact thing. I think that you need to write a provocative title or.

[Nicole Lapin]

Exactly.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Thing Grab.

[Patty Asai]

Yes.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

You can't write five rules to Financial freedom and expect it to just sell out.

[Nicole Lapin]

Right?

[Patty Asai]

Absolutely.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

This type of topic, you have to draw.

[Patty Asai]

No, absolutely. The title has to be provocative, just like Rich Ben. Just so great. Thank you. Yeah, it's wonderful. But yeah, you have to have that type of title to just get people's attention. But it's not about that.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Yeah, it's about the substance.

[Patty Asai]

Yes, the Broke do chapters are really funny, but yeah, that's just one aspect of being financially independent and successful in finances.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

And I saw that in one of the articles you wrote. It was sort of like a nebulous title that you had. I'm assuming the company that you were working with didn't want to be associated in your bio or didn't want to.

[Patty Asai]

No, the companies that I work with, I tried to really separate my professional career from my work, but no. We were going back and forth with the publisher about the title.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Oh, interesting.

[Patty Asai]

Yeah. We were going back and forth about the title and the publisher, like, wanting to change it to maybe never date a broken dude or something. That's not as jarring. And I said, no, we have to keep it.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

I'm on your team.

[Patty Asai]

Thank you. The thing I want to leave with women is that you don't need a prince. Your prince is not coming. And if he does, he may not stay. So you better figure out a way to give yourself the life that you want. Make your own money. Make your own dreams come true. Because that gives you power, that gives you safety and choices. Because that prince can come and go. And that prince is typically a fallacy. So stop waiting for a prince.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Be your own prince.

[Patty Asai]

That's in my book. I have a chapter. It says, be your own Prince Charming. Absolutely. Are you? Yes, I am my own Prince Charming, for sure.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

Money Rehab is a production of Money News Network.

[Nicole Lapin]

I'm your host, Nicole lapitte. Money Rehab's executive producer is Morgan Lavoy. Our researcher is Emily Holmes. Do you need some money Rehab? And let's be honest, we all do. So email us your money questions moneyrehaboneynewsnetwork.com to potentially have your questions answered on the show or even have a one on one intervention with me. And follow us on Instagramoneynews and TikTokoneyNewsnetwork for exclusive video content. And lastly, thank you.

[Co-host or Interviewer]

No, seriously, thank you.

[Nicole Lapin]

Thank you for listening and for investing in yourself, which is the most important investment you can make.