Episode Revisit: Santa’s Dark Helpers

Summary

Morbid Podcast: Episode Revisit — Santa’s Dark Helpers

Hosts: Ash Kelley & Alaina Urquhart
Release Date: December 22, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this mischievously festive mini-episode, Ash and Alaina unravel the twisted world of Santa’s sinister sidekicks—creepy figures from European holiday folklore constructed to terrify children into good behavior. Swapping stories, laughs, and a little dark humor, the duo highlights the macabre origins and eccentric traditions surrounding Santa’s “dark helpers”: Krampus, Yule Cat, Frau Perchta, the Yule Lads, and more. The episode delivers a heavy dose of research laced with irreverent banter, showing how the winter holidays are far spookier—and more metal—outside the United States.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Creepy Christmas Traditions Around the World

• Theme: Many European holiday legends are rooted in pagan or early Christian traditions focused on scaring kids into behaving.

• “Europe has some scary ass Christmas traditions…teaching kids to be good or they're gonna be disemboweled or eaten or beaten with branches.”
  — Mike, 03:03

• US traditions protect children from fear, while European ones lean into scaring the naughty into submission.

  • Ash: "That's why American kids are just such assholes. We don't get scared into not being assholes." (03:37)
  • Mike: "We don't have enough demons ... to scare our kids." (03:42)

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2. Krampus — The OG Christmas Demon

[05:12–14:10]

• Origins: Stemming from pre-Germanic paganism, Krampus literally means “claw” and is depicted as the son of Hel, the Norse underworld goddess.

  • Banned by the church multiple times for being “basically the devil,” but Krampus persisted.
  • Visually: Half-goat, half-demon, with a forked long tongue, one human foot, one cloven hoof.
  • Gold-painted birch branches (miniature “switches”) are hung in homes to remind kids to behave all year.

• Traditions:

  • Krampusnacht (December 5th): People dress as Krampus and literally beat bystanders with branches.
  • “They mainly go for your legs and your shins, but they literally beat your legs and shins with branches and they will chase you into places...this is legit.” — Mike, 11:39
  • Modern reforms: Krampuses sometimes must wear numbers for identification in case of excessive violence.
  • "Krampus number 612 hit me in the face with that branch." — Ashley, 12:02
  • Day after (December 6th, Nikolaustag): Good kids get gifts, bad kids get twigs.

• Punishment for Naughty Children:

  • Krampus stuffs children in a sack, beats them, and may drown them or take them to hell.
    • “He’s going to take these kids … stuff them in a sack … and either take them to hell or dump them in a body of water along the way to drown their asses.” — Mike, 09:06
    • Ashley, dismayed: "He stuffs them in a sack. Yeah, that's fucked up." (09:57)
  • Iconography: Always appears with chains, a tongue out, and seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much.
    • “He always looks pretty stoked, though.” — Ashley, 13:47

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3. Yule Cat (Jólakötturinn) — The Fashion-Conscious Man-Eater

[14:09–22:33, 20:38–22:33]

• Origins: Icelandic lore, relatively new (19th century).
• Legend:
  • Yule Cat eats people who don't get new clothes for Christmas (a motivation for hard work and charity).
  • “Yule cat will eat you. Feral.” — Mike, 14:49
  • A poem about Yule Cat encourages giving clothes to the needy (so they won’t be eaten).
  • “Be nice to the less fortunate or you’ll be eaten by a cat.” — Ashley, 16:47
• Physical Traits:
  • Giant, terrifying, yellow eyes, sharp teeth.
  • “It's like a Dolce & Gabbana fisher cat from hell ... Joan Rivers reincarnated in cat form from hell.” — Ashley & Mike, 21:37–21:58
• Relation: Lives with the ogress Grýla and the Yule Lads (see below).

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4. Frau Perchta — The Christmas Butcher

[22:33–30:16]

• Origins & Legends:
  • Eastern European (popularized by the Brothers Grimm).
  • Flies with “an army of lost souls,” often the souls of unbaptized children.
  • Descriptions range from Krampus-like to a crone with an iron beak-nose and mismatched feet (a sign she's a shapeshifter).
• Punishments:
  • She checks your home during the 12 days of Christmas.
  • “If you're not awesome, she will disembowel you and replace your organs with hot garbage … or rocks and straw.” — Mike, 25:26, 29:07
  • Cuts children’s tongues with glass if they lie.
  • If you don’t finish spinning your flax before Twelfth Night or your house is dirty, she’ll burn your loom or gut you.
• Rewards: A silver coin in your shoe if you behave or finish your chores.

Memorable Banter:

• “Would you rather be disemboweled and filled with hot garbage or with rocks and straw?” (29:07)
• “There is no 'please' in Perchta.” — Ashley, 30:16

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5. Grýla, the Yule Lads & Iceland's Child-Eating Family

[30:16–41:56]

• Grýla (Mother Ogre):
  • Predates the Yule Lads; described as an ogress who cooks and eats disobedient children.
  • Mother of 13 Yule Lads (and, in legend, as many as 72 children) and owner of the Yule Cat.
  • “You don't need to be eating other people’s kids. You could probably just eat some of your own.” — Ashley, 45:25
• The Yule Lads (Jólasveinarnir):
  • Formerly malicious, now mostly pranksters—one visits each of the 13 nights before Christmas.
  • Children leave shoes on windowsills for treats (good kids) or rotten potatoes (bad kids).
  • Distinct personalities, e.g.:
    • Sheep Cote Clod: Suckles sheep in barns
    • Stubby: Steals food from pans
    • Spoon Licker: Licks spoons
    • Pot Scraper: Steals/licks unwashed pots
    • Door Slammer: Slams doors at night
    • Meat Hook: Snatches smoked meats
    • Candle Beggar: Steals candles
    • “These are all my personality traits.” — Ashley, 41:18
  • Scaring kids with Yule Lads banned in 1746 due to the psychological toll.

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6. Other Spooky Christmas Figures

[41:56–54:18]

• Ash’s Picks:
  • Belsnickel: A ragged German figure who carries both candies and a switch; children must choose between a reward and the threat of a beating.
    • “If you’re a little shit, he’s gonna hit you with the switch. And if you want candy, he'll give you some.” — Ashley, 46:48
  • Hans Trapp: In Alsace and Lorraine, a scarecrow-clad excommunicated nobleman who preys on children, struck dead by lightning as he attempts to eat a boy, but still appears as a scarecrow to scare kids into good behavior.
  • Père Fouettard (“Father Whipper”): A butcher who killed children, reanimated by St. Nick, and now serves as his punisher-in-chief—delivering beatings instead of gifts.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On American Christmas vs. European Christmas:

  • “America has kind of made Christmas ... super chill ... and then over in Europe, they're, like, keeping things metal as fuck.” — Mike, 55:23

• When the Krampus run turns real:

  • “They literally beat bystanders … chase you into places … mainly go for your legs and your shins." — Mike, 11:39
  • “Krampus number 53 was the one who struck my shins.” — Ashley, 12:10

• On the Yule Cat’s legacy:

  • “It’s Joan Rivers reincarnated in cat form from hell.” — Ashley, 21:49

• On Frau Perchta’s punishments:

  • “If you're not awesome, she will disembowel you and replace your organs with hot garbage.” — Mike, 25:26
  • "Would you rather be disemboweled and filled with hot garbage or would you rather be disemboweled and filled with rocks and straw?" — Ashley, 29:07

• On the Yule Lads’ quirkiness:

  • “These are all my personality traits.” — Ashley, 41:21

• On Grýla's excessive brood:

  • “You don't need to be eating other people's kids. You could probably just eat some of your own. You have, like, 70 to spare.” — Ashley, 45:33

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• (03:00–05:10): Introduction to the episode theme: scary European Christmas traditions
• (05:12–14:10): Krampus origins, practices, and modern celebrations
• (14:33–22:33, 20:38–22:33): The Yule Cat and the importance of new clothes
• (22:33–30:16): Frau Perchta, disemboweling, and house inspections
• (30:16–41:56): The Yule Lads and Grýla—the Icelandic Christmas monster family
• (41:56–54:18): Ash’s contributions—Belsnickel, Hans Trapp, Père Fouettard
• (54:18–end): Reflections, American holiday contrast, calls for international listener stories

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Tone & Language

• Informal, irreverent, playful, and decidedly “Morbid.”
• Frequent asides, punning, and inside jokes (e.g., “That’s metal,” “Same,” “These are all my personalities”).
• Hosts engage in relatable, banter-filled debates about which punishment is preferable and how to pronounce Norse/Icelandic names—inviting corrections from listeners.
• Want to connect with international listeners for even more chilling holiday lore.

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Conclusion

This mini-episode is a wild ride through the darkest shadows lurking behind yuletide cheer, blending historical research with the hosts’ signature kooky commentary. Ash and Alaina celebrate the metal, macabre side of European Christmas, contrasting it to the sanitized, commercialized US version. If Krampus, Frau Perchta, and the Yule Cat don’t keep you up at night—or at least make you want to buy new socks for Christmas—nothing will.

Listener invitation:
The hosts urge international fans to share their own weird holiday tales.

“We hope you keep it weird…and have a happy New Year!”

Transcript

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[Mike]

See mint mobile.com hey weirdos. I'm Elena. And I'm Ash and this is a Mini Morbid.

[Ashley]

Mini Morbid. We like it. We didn't plan that unplanned.

[Mike]

I went rogue.

[Ashley]

Unsolicited Morbid.

[Mike]

So yeah, welcome to the it's kind of like a mini Morbid episode. That's what our second episode of the week will be.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Mike]

From here on out, I think these are going to be faster and looser and there's not going to be any housekeeping or anything. So we're just going to dive right into it.

[Ashley]

Let's go do it.

[Mike]

Our first episode happens to fall during the holiday season. So we decided Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Mary Kwanzaa, Happy winter solstice, all that stuff. Yeah.

[Ashley]

Happy holidays.

[Mike]

Happy holidays. So we're gonna be hitting some creepy ass holiday traditions and tonight we are going to be talking about not Santa Claus, but his dark ass helpers, the dark ones. Now I'm just gonna come out and say Europe has some scary ass Christmas traditions.

[Ashley]

Yeah, they do.

[Mike]

I respect it because they are all about teaching kids to be good or they're gonna be like disemboweled or eaten or beaten with branches like they don't around.

[Ashley]

That's why American kids are just such assholes. We don't get scared into not being assholes.

[Mike]

We don't have enough demons that are in our like holidays to scare our kids.

[Ashley]

You know, it's where we went wrong. It's one of the many places we went wrong.

[Mike]

One of the many places. So basically what's interesting is most of these traditions that we're going to talk about, they're kind of earlier pagan traditions that have just been adapted to modern use. So they kind of change throughout the years. A lot of them get less scary. Like they started out way scarier and then they kind of turn into something better, which I think Santa Claus himself, which we're not going to cover tonight, maybe we'll cover him in another one. But Santa Claus himself started off as like super scary and fucked up.

[Ashley]

Well, he sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake.

[Mike]

Yeah, that alone is scary. So. Yeah, like why?

[Ashley]

I don't even get the point of that.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Why does he need to see you when you're sleeping?

[Mike]

I know, because what do you do when that's bad when you're sleeping?

[Ashley]

You're just chilling.

[Mike]

Yeah. So that's kind of fucked up.

[Ashley]

Yeah. Santa, get away.

[Mike]

Santa, calm down.

[Ashley]

Santa, why don't you have any chill.

[Mike]

Yeah, he's like pulling a night stalker.

[Ashley]

I was just thinking that.

[Mike]

So most of these traditions, like we said before, they really focus on making your kids behave. That's the main, the main focus for it seems European households during Christmas season.

[Ashley]

Hashtag German parenting.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's just to scare the shit out of your kids to make them behave. Hey, I respect it, man. So the first one I'm gonna hit tonight For Santa's Little Helpers is arguably the most infamous, probably the one that a lot of people know about.

[Ashley]

Krampus.

[Mike]

It's Krampus. Good old Krampus.

[Ashley]

Krampus.

[Mike]

Krampus's roots actually don't really have a lot to do with Christmas. Now we've turned him into a Christmas thing, but they dated back to pre Germanic paganism in the region. So his name was. It was originally Crampin, which means claw. And basically the legend was that he was the son of the Norse God of the underworld, Hell.

[Ashley]

Fun.

[Mike]

Like, literally, like just hell, which he kind of is. He still is. During the 12th century, actually, the Catholic Church tried to banish any Krampus celebrations or any kind of, like, having him to do with anything because they said he was basically the devil. Oh. And actually in 1934, as recently as 1934, Austria's conservative Christian social party also tried to have him eradicated. But none of these things have held in. Krampus has lived on.

[Ashley]

Grandpus lives on.

[Mike]

He lives on. So he traditionally is seen visually to have a long, like, gross tongue.

[Ashley]

Jean Simmons esque.

[Mike]

Yeah, literally. And it's so. It's like a forked long tongue. It's like, creepy. He's kind of. He's like half demon, half goat.

[Ashley]

Same.

[Mike]

Me too. Same. And he's also seemed to have one human foot and one cloven hoove. What? But I couldn't find anything to, like, why that is. I don't know if it's just to make him even creepier. I don't know. In a 1958 article about the Krampus legend in Styria, which is a state in southeast Austria, they said that Krampus would deliver gold painted bundles of birch sticks to children. These things, these gold painted bundles, were actually smaller versions of the switches that he uses to beat people with, so.

[Ashley]

Oh, you know.

[Mike]

Typical. Yeah. And what the families would do of these children once they would get these little bundles of, you know, birch branches. They would hang these birch branches in their house all year round as decoration to remind the kids to stay in line or you're going to get your.

[Ashley]

Ass beat by Krampus.

[Mike]

Yeah. Like, he was like, hey, remember when Krampus brought us his beaten stick? That's going to stay on our wall all year. That's a heavy metal, so stay in line. Um, so Krampus himself comes around on the night of December 5th, and he comes around with St. Nick, but again, he's like the anti Santa. Um, excuse me, What?

[Ashley]

Today is December 5th.

[Mike]

Holy shit.

[Ashley]

Whoa.

[Mike]

Did not plan that. Did not realize that. Hope we've been good because Krampus is coming to town.

[Ashley]

Krampus is coming to town. It's not so catchy.

[Mike]

He's bringing a branch. He's beaten you twice. He doesn't give a shit if you fanati are nice.

[Ashley]

No, he does, though.

[Mike]

He gives a huge shit. I don't think he does because he's just gonna beat the kids anyways. I don't think Krampus cares if you've been good.

[Ashley]

Oh, I thought it was only the bad kids.

[Mike]

Well, I think that's kind of like, supposed to be it, but he seems like he's just kind of an asshole. Well, go on. So while Santa is, you know, handing out candy, because in a lot of these countries, kids will put out shoes on these nights, so that that's where their goodies are left in. It's just like a tradition.

[Ashley]

I don't have a shoe big enough for all the shit I want.

[Mike]

So St. Nick will put, like, candy in the shoes of kids that were good. And I guess in Austria they'll do. And I think in Germany, I'm not sure, but some of our German listeners can tell me if this is this happened there before or if they do it now. Birch twigs in the shoes of kids that are bad. Valeska, tell us so. So that's what St. Nick just leaves, like, you know, twigs in your shoes. And it's like, you've been naughty. Here's a twig. But Krampus is like, oh, you've been naughty. All right. I'm gonna take you out of your bed. I'm gonna beat you with this birch branch or with this. It's called a switch, which is basically like a whip made out of branches. And then he's also going to take these kids and he's gonna stuff them in a sack that he has, and then he's gonna haul their asses off and he's either gonna take them straight to hell or he's gonna dump them in a body of water along the way to drown our asses.

[Ashley]

He stuffs them in a sack. Yeah, that's fucked up.

[Mike]

I. I like that. All you got out of that was stuff them in a sack when it finished with. And takes them to hell or drowns them.

[Ashley]

Well, drowning would suck. I feel like hell would just be like, you know, And I love that.

[Mike]

You'Re like, wait, he puts them in a sack? I mean, like, that's fucked up.

[Ashley]

That is fucked up. He just throws them in the sack. What the hell?

[Mike]

Oh, I love it. So. So also on December 5, they celebrate Krampus night, which they call Krampus knocked, which is really cool and metal sounding. But Krampus night is crazy. It's like public celebrations. People dress up as Krampuses. So there's just a shit ton of Krampuses walking the streets. That sounds awesome. In like German dudes in Krampus costumes. And they don't just walk around. And it's not like this celebration that everyone's like, this is so fun. No, they literally beat bystanders. Like, these Krampuses walk around and they hit people with branches. Like, they literally beat you.

[Ashley]

Is that allowed?

[Mike]

Yeah, it's legal. Yeah.

[Ashley]

And so it sounds like the purge kind of.

[Mike]

It kind of is, except, so I read a couple of, like, people who have gone to these things and have come back and been like, no, seriously, like, they will beat you. Like, you will be beaten. And. And I guess they. They mainly go for your legs and your shins, but they literally beat your legs and shins with branches and they will chase you into places to try to beat you with branches.

[Ashley]

What?

[Mike]

Like this is legit?

[Ashley]

I'm not. I'm not interested.

[Mike]

Yeah, it's a lot. And so because of this, there have been injuries and people obviously getting terrified and, like, traumatized. So because of this, they've kind of had to reform it a little bit. And there's sometimes there's some places that require all Krampuses to wear numbers so they can be identified in case of violent behavior.

[Ashley]

Krampus number 612.

[Mike]

Hit me in the face with that branch. Krampus number 53 was the one who struck my shins.

[Ashley]

Krampus four. Settle down, settle down.

[Mike]

Krampus four. You're. You're on the edge. Krampus. Come on, keep it. Bring it in. Keep it together.

[Ashley]

God. Krampus.

[Mike]

So yeah, and I guess it's called like a Krampus run, where they just.

[Ashley]

Run like it's a 5K.

[Mike]

It's like a turkey trot.

[Ashley]

Is your family running in the. Krampus knocked.

[Mike]

Yeah, the Krampus knocked, you know, so. And of course the next day. So tomorrow is. I'm gonna butcher. We're both gonna butcher a lot of these pronunciations just so everybody knows. By all means, if you are Icelandic, German, Austrian, any of these. And you want to correct us, correct our asses, because we will totally listen and we will correct it. We just got. But we're doing the best we can. So the next day, which is tomorrow, after the Krampus knocked, is Nicola stog, which is St. Nicholas's Day. And this is the. Tomorrow is the day for, like, presents and joy and like, happy little girls and boys. But it's really just the ones who haven't been beaten to death by a Krampus.

[Ashley]

Well, yeah, they gotta celebrate something.

[Mike]

Yeah. I mean, after that. So. So yeah, that's Krampus. He's. He's something. And if you look like a lot of the. Any visual you see of him is usually him. I mean, it's. It's literally like half demon, half goat. The big long tongue, the crazy eyes. He's always holding a sack, usually full of screaming little kids in the visuals.

[Ashley]

That's fucked up.

[Mike]

And he's got, like chains around him. He's got the big birch switch.

[Ashley]

He always looks pretty stoked, though.

[Mike]

Oh, he is always raging like he is so happy to be murdering children. It is like everyone. He's got the tongue out, but he's got this like, crazy, like, yeah. Face. He's kind of.

[Ashley]

He kind of just looks like coked out.

[Mike]

He does.

[Ashley]

That's exactly coked out.

[Mike]

Krampus coked out.

[Ashley]

Krampus. I'm.

[Mike]

I'm saying. So, yeah, that's Krampus. The next one I'm gonna talk about. I mean, this one's gonna be a rough one to pronounce the. The actual word for it, but it's Jolica Turin. Which is not how you say it at all, but in English, it's Yule cat. The Yule cat. Which sounds delightful, right?

[Ashley]

I don't really like cats.

[Mike]

I don't like cats either, but I feel like a Yule cat just sounds like it's like I'm the Yule cat. Like, I feel like he's wearing pajamas and he's just like pajams. He's got a song to sing. He's got a story to tell. He's ready to give me a lollipop. I don't know.

[Ashley]

What does Yule cat remind me of? It reminds me of that video online that's like that.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

The cat with, like the rainbows coming out of its ass.

[Ashley]

Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Mike]

I was thinking of that one or I was thinking of the one with the cat playing keyboard. Like it's like. Like it's just banging on the keyboard in his pajamas. That's all I thought of. Well, unfortunately, it's none of this. The Yule cat is not like that. So this is an Icelandic tradition. He's not an ice cat. Yule cat will eat you feral. So that's a thing. So he's tied with an Icelandic tradition that basically says that everyone who finishes their work on time, like servants, kids, anybody, they receive new clothes for Christmas. That's like a big thing. The people who don't finish their work on time don't get new clothes for Christmas. So now as we're going to see, Yule cat is very fashion forward, like he's very conscious of the latest trends and he's going to know if, if your ass is not wearing brand new clothes and he's going to be pissed. So to encourage children and just workers in general to work hard, parents tell the their kids that Yule cat would be able to tell who the lazy kids were because they wouldn't have at least one item of new clothing on on Christmas and these kids would be sacrificed to Yule cat wise literally. So there's a poem written about Yule Cat, like a famous poem and it ends with and this is kind of nice, at least they say it kind of ends with a suggestion that children should help out the needy by giving them new clothes so that they can have protection from being fcking devoured by Yule cat Jesus. So it's like hey, it's a nice like charity thought but it's also like or a Yule cat is going to eat you. So it's like what?

[Ashley]

Be nice to the less fortunate or you will be eaten by a cat.

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[Mike]

So the whole thing, you get new clothes, you're safe and it meant you worked hard. You don't have new clothes, Yule cat's going to eat your ass. And that's just the way it is. Like there's no gray area here. So nobody really knows the true origin of Yule cat. It's kind of unclear, but from what I could tell, the oldest known writings date back to the 19th century. So pretty recent. He's not that old. Okay, there is that poem that I was talking about is by Johannes Yearn Cottle and it goes into detail about the. Now apparently you, cat is gigantic. It's not like this tiny little house cat that just like nibbles you to death. It's like a big old fucking terrifying cat. It has sharp teeth, it has glaring yellow eyes and it's here to punish your ass. That's what Yule cat is all about. It's like a fisher cat from hell.

[Ashley]

Awesome.

[Mike]

A fisher cat that's like that, that cares what you're wearing, which is even scarier.

[Ashley]

It's like a Dolce and Gabbana fisher cat from hell.

[Mike]

Yeah, basically. And I might post this poem because it's like really terrifying. Hold on, wait, what?

[Ashley]

It's Joan Rivers reincarnated in cat form from hell.

[Mike]

Whoa.

[Ashley]

You're welcome.

[Mike]

You just busted this case wide open. That's the origin of Yule cat. There you go.

[Ashley]

You're welcome. Thank you for listening.

[Mike]

Hope you keep it weird.

[Ashley]

Bye.

[Mike]

Joan Rivers RIP rip. Joan Rivers slash Yule cat. That's terrifying. So the Yule cat is going to connect with a couple of other ones that I'm gonna mention. There's like, basically what we're gonna see at the end is there's this big old Icelandic child murdering family that works around Christmas time.

[Ashley]

Oh my God.

[Mike]

So yeah, so that's the Yule cat. Basically a giant, you know, fashion conscious cat. The next one I'm going to talk about is called Frau Perchta. So Frau Perchta is an ancient legend in Eastern Europe, but her story was popularized by Jacob Grimm, the Brothers Grimm oh, he referred to her as Frau Birchta. And she was the female counterpart to Birchtold, which is the leader of, quote, the Wild Hunt. Now the Wild Hunt is just this big old procession of elves, fairies and demons just running around doing evil shit. Hell yeah.

[Ashley]

Where do I sign off?

[Mike]

Which is awesome. Yeah. And basically so what they say is seeing this wild hunt in passing, which. Can you fucking imagine seeing this? It was thought to be an omen that would indicate great misfortune, which is like. No, it's an omen letting you know that you are losing your damn mind because you're seeing a procession of elves, fairies and demons just up.

[Ashley]

Congratulations, you've lost it.

[Mike]

Like, wow. So Frau Burchta or Frau Perchta, she flies around the sky with an army of lost souls around her, which is pretty metal. Yeah. To say the least. That's badass. Among her army of the night are apparently supposed to be the souls of unbaptized children.

[Ashley]

Hey.

[Mike]

O Whoops. So here I am, just ashes floating around.

[Ashley]

Come and get me.

[Mike]

Now the legend also says that if you hear the wind and thunder, like rumbling around the mountains on the birch till nights, which I'm not sure exactly what nights those are, what you're really hearing is not thunder. It's the sounds of the Wild Hunt. So it's like all these demons and perched Frau Perchta just tooting around doing evil bad.

[Ashley]

Oh no.

[Mike]

Which would be awesome. So the physical descriptions of Frau Perchta kind of vary. There's a lot of different legends. Some describe her as being actually kind of Krampus like, while other ones say that she's a tall, white robed lady, basically old lady. Sometimes, weirdly enough, she's portrayed with one extra big foot, casual, which I guess this is supposed to mean that she's a shape shifter that can take any form she likes. That's what it's supposed to indicate to you. That wouldn't indicate a lot to me. It would just indicate that she had a club foot. I think.

[Ashley]

You got an extra foot?

[Mike]

Yeah. Why you got to go? Why you got an extra foot? So in Germany and Austria, they sometimes portray her as a witch named Frau Perchta. How she. I originally said her name because it's Birchta and Percha and she basically just hands. She will hand out rewards for good kids, but she'll also hand out some pretty severe punishments for bad kids. Like all of these do. It's during the 12 days of Christmas, which is December 25th through Epiphany on January 6th. She. She's possibly best known not for her rewards that she gives, but for what she does to the bad kids. And what she does is, if you're not awesome, she will disembowel you and replace your organs with hot garbage. Wow, that's something that just sticks with you, I think. It sure does. And on the 12th, this all kind of happens on the twelfth night of Christmas, which is the feast of Epiphany. That's when she'll creep into homes and she'll either disempel your ass or she'll leave a piece of silver in the shoes of children and servants who have been good.

[Ashley]

I'd take that.

[Mike]

Oh, and she also cuts kids tongues with glass if they lie. Hey, so, like Ralph. Now, there is a slightly different version of this legend, and it's according to Linda Radish, which I probably said her name wrong. She's the author of the old magic of Christmas. Now, she says that Frau Perchta was also known as Birchta, like the original legend says, or Bertha. And she can also be referred to as Spin Stuben, Frau, or spinning room lady.

[Ashley]

I see the transition there.

[Mike]

Obviously, she. In this one, she's often depicted having a, like, beak nose that is made of iron. Wow. Which sounds kind of like a plague mask. Like a plague doctor mask. Yeah, that's what I pictured. Which is terrifying. And she's dressed in, like, super shitty, like, ragged clothes. And she's usually carrying, like, a cane or a staff. And she just looks like a decrepit old lady in this one with a fucking beak nose. Damn. Now, in this one, she's a judgy. To be honest, she's just. She's real judgy. Like, she's gonna look at your house and she's gonna tell you whether it's. And which she doesn't have the right to because she's dressed in rags and has a beak nose. But she's gonna tell you when she's.

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[Mike]

Perched Bertha, seriously, take a long, hard look in the mirror. So this one says that you'd better get all your flax spun by Twelfth night, which is January 6th.

[Ashley]

What's that even mean?

[Mike]

It says, quote, for when the Christmas season was over, it would be time to set up the big upright loom, at which time you must have enough thread to warp it and start your weaving. So if you didn't do this shit. Apparently, if you didn't start your weaving, then the lazy ladies in Germany, Austria and Switzerland would either have their Looms trampled or they would be set fire to by Frau Perchta. And if you really pissed her off, like if you didn't weave your shit and your house is a mess. Oh, and that was the other thing. If your house was a total mess and you were supposed to leave a traditional bowl of porridge out for her on this night, Bitch gotta have her porridge. Like I think you could not do one of those things. And she's probably just gonna like set fire to your loom, which honestly is the best case scenario. And if you didn't do any of this, well, then she was gonna probably set fire to your loom and then she's gonna come into your bedroom and that's when she's gonna disembowel you. But she's gonna fill your insides with rocks and straw.

[Ashley]

Okay, that's like the dopest. Would you rather question ever. Would you rather be disemboweled and filled with hot garbage or would you rather be disemboweled and filled with rox and straw?

[Mike]

I mean, I'd say hot garbage because it might have a soothing feeling, the heat.

[Ashley]

Oh, I'd say rocks and straw because I'm not trying to put no garbage in my bod.

[Mike]

Are you sure?

[Ashley]

No, not hot garbage.

[Mike]

Taco Bell is kind of hot garbage.

[Ashley]

Taco Bell is something that is unexplainable and it is not garbage.

[Mike]

It's not.

[Ashley]

You're hot garbage.

[Mike]

I am hot garbage for saying that about Taco Bell. Yeah.

[Ashley]

How dare you? We lost a sponsor.

[Mike]

Well, that'd be awesome if we got sponsored by Taco Bell.

[Ashley]

Well, it's not gonna happen now, so.

[Mike]

Man, you burned that bridge. Well, the moral of this one is, no matter what, she's definitely gonna gut someone and fill their thoracic cavity with hot garbage and rocks one way or another. So Frau Percheda doesn't play.

[Ashley]

There is no please in percha.

[Mike]

Yeah, she does not play. So her story is thought to have come from a legendary alpine goddess of nature, which does not compute sound like that, but. And this legendary goddess of nature tended to the forest most of the year and then just dealt with humans just during the Christmas time and the holidays. In the modern day celebrations of Christmas, percheda or like close relations to her because of course there's always variations of these people will show up in processions during Fastenaut, which is the alpine festival just before Lent. So that is Frau Perchta. Now these next two are kind of together because they are a fa. They're a mother and her many, many sons. And they are the people who own Yule Cat. So it all kind of Yule Cat lives with them. Yule Cat has an owner. And the owner is just as big a dick as Yule Cat.

[Ashley]

Well, they get to live with Joan Rivers.

[Mike]

Yeah, they do. So these ones are kind of fun, like, kind of weird, but also kind of. I think you're gonna appreciate these. Ash is gonna appreciate these. I just feel it. So these next ones are called the Yule Lads.

[Ashley]

Oh, I feel like I've heard of this.

[Mike]

These sound delightful. They're also. I'm gonna attempt the other way to say them, Jolosvinar, but I'm gonna say Yule Lads. So the yule lads are 13 Icelandic trolls. They each have a distinct name and they each have a distinct personality. Kind of like Snow White's dwarves. Now, back in ancient times, apparently they just kind of caused trouble and mischief during Christmas time. So they were used to scare children into behaving. Like, all of these are kind of like the Yule Cat, because they were like, the Yule Lads and the Yule Cat are going to come and they're going to your world. Up, kid. Don't keep doing that. So now Icelandic children do get to enjoy 13 nights of father Christmases, technically.

[Ashley]

That's nice.

[Mike]

The Yule Lads come for these 13 nights, one of them on each night. They're apparently now known as, like, very merry and mischievous. Like, they're like. They're almost like elves now instead of trolls, I would think. Like, they're just like, they're getting. If they got much more chill. So on each of these nights, children will place shoes on their windowsill. And for the, you know, good boys and girls, whatever Yule Lad comes, they'll leave candy or like little treats in the shoe. If you're a shitbag, then they're just gonna leave you. Rotten potatoes. Rotten potatoes, which just so just straight up garbage for bad kids. Like, they're like, here, here's some rotten garbage.

[Ashley]

Enjoy.

[Mike]

But I guess it's way better than being eaten or beaten or disemboweled. So kids are like, that's fine, I'll take it. I'll take these rotten potatoes. So apparently the Yule Lads used to be way creepier than they are today. But in 1746, parents were officially banned from actually using Yule Lads to scare their kids.

[Ashley]

Like, what would happen if they found out that you did well?

[Mike]

And I guess in this, in this whole, like, banning of the Yule Lads and everything, they also banned, like, using Krampus to scare your kids using any of these because, like, they were legit using, like, you're gonna get eaten. And kids were scared to go outside during the Christmas time because they were scared they were gonna get eaten or disemboweled or beaten or taken away and drowned.

[Ashley]

Like, what a different, like, time of year than we have.

[Mike]

What a time to be alive. So the National Museum of Iceland has a list of the 13 Yule lads and their names and what they do. And I'm gonna read this off to you because it's pretty great. Oh, God, some of these are amazing. So the first Yule lad is called Sheep Coat Claude. What he does is he basically just bothers your sheep and tries to suckle on the sheep in farmer's sheds. So I hate the word suckle.

[Ashley]

Yeah, never say it again.

[Mike]

Such a bad, bad word. The next one is named Stubby and he's short and steals food from frying pans, which, to that I say same.

[Ashley]

I was gonna say we have that in common. Stub.

[Mike]

Me too. Stubby. So the next one is called Spoon Licker. And I'll let you guess what he does.

[Ashley]

He hides your forks.

[Mike]

Exactly. No, he licks your spoons.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

That's gross.

[Mike]

The next one is called Pot Scraper or Pot Licker. And he steals unwashed pots and licks them clean.

[Ashley]

I mean, that sounds helpful to me.

[Mike]

I was just gonna say, which I'm like, thanks, thanks, Paul Liquor. The next one is called Bull Licker. He steals bulls. And this one's kind of weird. I say this one's kind of weird. Like none of the other ones. We're gonna get weird. So this one steals bowls of food from under the bed, which apparently back in the old days, Icelanders used to sometimes store bowls of food under their bed, which. So that seems unhealthy, but okay. And he. This bowl licker would steal the bowls of food from under the bed and lick them clean. Okay. Next one is called Door Slammer. And he just stomps around and slams doors and just keeps everyone away.

[Ashley]

Sounds like papa when he was trying to wake me up and when I was really.

[Mike]

It sounds like my kids.

[Ashley]

Yeah, it does.

[Mike]

The next one is called Skier Gobbler or Sky Gobbler. I'm not sure how to pronounce it. But basically he. It's eats up all this kind of Icelandic yogurt that's called Sky Skyer or Sk. I'm not really sure. Somebody will tell me. But basically he eats up this Icelandic yogurt that's made with like, I think it was like milk and sugar, milk and honey. So he just eats up all the yogurt. So the next one is called Sausage Swiper. What the. And it's not as dirty as it sounds. He just loves sausages. Hey, you know, don't we all? So I really mean sausages.

[Ashley]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike]

Wear your head.

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How about that?

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[Mike]

The next one is called Window Peeper and he sounds off putting he just creeps outside windows and then he so he creeps outside, looks in windows and then he steals shit. So he's just a thief. The next one is called Door Sniffer.

[Ashley]

And he has Door sniffer.

[Mike]

Door sniffer. He just sniffs your door. He has a huge nose and apparently has an insatiable appetite for baked goods.

[Ashley]

What?

[Mike]

The same, right? I relate so hard to these guys.

[Ashley]

These are just all my different personalities.

[Mike]

These are all my personality traits. Yeah.

[Ashley]

Next.

[Mike]

This one's weird. This one's called Meat Hook. What? And he just snatches up all your meat that's been left out.

[Ashley]

Oh, I feel that.

[Mike]

And he especially likes smoked lamb. Same. The last one is called Candle Beggar. And he just steals all your candles. Which. That would. That's just rude. That would piss me off. Do you know how much?

[Ashley]

Especially back in the day.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Mike]

Yeah. I mean, I'm just mad because I want my sugar cookie candle, so.

[Ashley]

You ever heard of Yankee Candle?

[Mike]

Candle stealer. Yankee Candle. Candle stealer. So, yeah, those are the Yule lads. And what they're. What I'm doing is I'm going to connect them to the last person I'm talking about, because the last person I'm talking about is their mother.

[Ashley]

Okay.

[Mike]

Yeah. These dudes have a mother. Her name is Grelia and she's their mama. She actually predates them in Icelandic legend as an ogress who kidnaps, cooks and eats children that don't obey their parents. So she originally was just used like, hey, obey your parents all the time, or she's gonna come down anytime during the year and just take you and cook you and eat you. But she became associated with Christmas in the 17th century because they had the Yule lads and they were like, the Yule lads need a moment. So they just associated her with them. So I love that. Yeah. They were like, they need a mama. So according to the legend, Greek. I'm not saying her name right. Grayla or Grelia had three different husbands. Get it, girl? And she had 72 children. Now, when we talked about the Lawson family and they had eight kids, we were like. Like, one might say, that's too many.

[Ashley]

72 children is far too many.

[Mike]

72. That you. That's a problem, girl.

[Ashley]

Even the Duggar stopped before that.

[Mike]

They did. I mean, did they? Or are they still on their way?

[Ashley]

I think they stopped.

[Mike]

I think they're trying to get there. Now, all these 72 children ranged from just being kind of mischievous to just straight up murdering people. Which, if you have 72 kids, there are bound to be a few hooligans and murderers among you. That's just math, statistics, science. Yeah. It's just the way it is. So I'm not gonna judge her for that. Out of 72, you're gonna get a murderer.

[Ashley]

Yeah, of course.

[Mike]

Now the Yule cat, like I said, lives with this whole clan. So she's the mother of these 72 kids. She's the mother of the 13 Yule lads, and their house pet is the Yule cat. She was first said to send her 13 Yule lads down to town to snatch up bad kids so they could cook and eat them. But again, by 1746, Icelandic kids were so scared of this that the government stepped in and put the ban on using this lady to scare kids, too. So she was part of this whole thing. Like, you can't do this now. Later it changed again because of this whole thing. And now she said to send her 13 boys, her Yule lads, down to town during the 13 days of Christmas, where they just spread cheer and are just mischievous and, you know, just stealing your meat, stealing your candles, slamming your doors. Not.

[Ashley]

At least they're not murdering and eating you.

[Mike]

Yeah. You know, now, just to end this, the onion. So apparently, she's like a huge. Like, people know who this ogress is. So the Onion blamed her for the 2010 eruption of the. I'm gonna try to say this volcano, but it's the Ajaf Jala Jokul volcano. I butchered that. Basically, she got blamed by the onion for a 2010 volcano. So that's how big. So that's how well known she is in infamous. And that is Grilla the ogress, who will eat your kids. She has way too many kids.

[Ashley]

Yeah, that's just like, you don't need to be eating other people's kids. You could probably just eat some of your own.

[Mike]

Yeah, just eat some of your own.

[Ashley]

You have, like, 70 to spare.

[Mike]

You do. You have way too many to spare.

[Ashley]

That's insane.

[Mike]

Those are those. That's my. My dark clan of Santa's helpers. Wow.

[Ashley]

Well, I also have a couple that I can't say any of them, so this should be fine.

[Mike]

I have faith in you.

[Ashley]

My first one is Belsnickel.

[Mike]

That is my favorite name.

[Ashley]

That's actually what I'm naming my firstborn.

[Mike]

Good, because it sounds wonderful. Like, he sounds just delightful.

[Ashley]

It kind of just reminds me of Snickers.

[Mike]

Hey, Belsnickel.

[Ashley]

Okay, so Belsnickel is a man from southwestern German lore.

[Mike]

Always Germany, man. Germany has the best dark Santa's helpers.

[Ashley]

Yeah, they. I feel like that's where they're all from.

[Mike]

They're cornering the market. Yeah. For real.

[Ashley]

But he traveled to the United States, and he lived on in Pennsylvania and. Dutch custom.

[Mike]

Yeah, because I was gonna say I know that name.

[Ashley]

Or Pennsylvania Dutch. Is that a thing?

[Mike]

Yeah, the Pennsylvania Dutch.

[Ashley]

So he comes to children sometimes before Christmas. And he wears, like, old clothes and, like, raggedy fur. And he carries a switch, kind of like Krampus, to frighten the kids.

[Mike]

Always a switch.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

But he also has candy.

[Mike]

Oh, well, at least he has candy.

[Ashley]

Too, to reward them for their good behavior. So if you're like a little, he's gonna hit you with the switch. And if you want candy, he'll give you some.

[Mike]

I bet that's a poem somewhere. If you're a little, he's gonna hit you with a switch.

[Ashley]

Probably in modern day, like, retelling of the story. The switch is only used for noise, to warn the kids that they have to be good before Christmas.

[Mike]

So he'll. That's more appropriate, I feel.

[Ashley]

Give it a little witch.

[Mike]

Don't scare me into line.

[Ashley]

Just on, like, the wall or something.

[Mike]

Yeah, just that.

[Ashley]

Yeah. And the kids can get candy from him if they're polite about it.

[Mike]

I don't really want Belle Snickles candy.

[Ashley]

Well, it's either candy or the switch.

[Mike]

So you pick.

[Ashley]

Yeah, you gotta pick if you want the switch or the candy.

[Mike]

I'm gonna take that candy and just put it somewhere. I'll be like, thank you, Bell Snickel. And then just be like, I'm gonna put this over here. I'm not gonna eat that candy.

[Ashley]

And then Krampus is gonna watch you and think that you're unappreciative.

[Mike]

And then he's gonna drown me in a river.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

No, the worst.

[Ashley]

He's gonna stuff you in a bag.

[Mike]

Yeah, that's the worst thing. I hope he drowns me in the river. I just hope he doesn't put me in a bag.

[Ashley]

I mean, if you weren't in the bag and he dumped you in the river, you could just swim down the river and have yourself a merry old time.

[Mike]

I think he. You know what? I think part of it, though, is that he chains you up with his chains, because he has chains all around him. So I think he chains your ass up. Up so you can't move.

[Ashley]

Wow, he's wild in.

[Mike]

He's a lot. He's. He's very extra. Damn.

[Ashley]

I'm gonna try to say these names, but I'm gonna say first, we're gonna get so much and nect. Rupric our simmering now I can't even say the word similar. I'm like, they're similar. Hold on, I can try again. Net. Rupretch and Ru Kloss are similar characters to Belsnickel, and they're also from German folklore, and they also dole out beatings to bad kids. So I can't even read at this point. But.

[Mike]

I love it.

[Ashley]

My other one, I have three. So my second one, Hans trapped. He's like the anti Santa.

[Mike]

Hans.

[Ashley]

Hans like Han's ass, man.

[Mike]

Like Han's ass, man.

[Ashley]

But I mean, Hans ass man was probably the anti Santa.

[Mike]

He did it. Yeah, he did it.

[Ashley]

But Hans Trapp hands out punishments too, to bad children in the Alsat, El Sache and Lorraine regions.

[Mike]

You don't say.

[Ashley]

I just said Ragins instead of regions. The Ragins. Can you cut that out?

[Mike]

Because I love it.

[Ashley]

Hans Trap hands out punishments to children in the. Is it Alsace? It's French, so probably not El Sache.

[Mike]

I'll.

[Ashley]

Al Saucy and Lorraine regions.

[Mike]

I love how American you are. You're like al saucy.

[Ashley]

People are gonna hate us, America. The legend says that Trapp was an actual real man. He was rich, greedy, and evil and worshiped Satan.

[Mike]

Whoa.

[Ashley]

So, I mean, whatever. And he got excommunicated from the Catholic Church, which I think happens pretty easily. So, like, he was pretty chill overall. But he got sent to live in the forest.

[Mike]

So far I don't see the issue.

[Ashley]

Yeah, I don't know. So they made him go to the forest where he preyed upon children and disguised himself as a scarecrow with straw jutting out from his clothing.

[Mike]

Ew. Yeah.

[Ashley]

One day he was about to eat a boy he captured, but he got struck by lightning and was killed.

[Mike]

I hate when that happened.

[Ashley]

Yeah. You know, I hate when I'm about to have a good snack and I just get struck by lightning and die.

[Mike]

A good little child snack.

[Ashley]

Yeah, seriously. So, yeah, he died, but still he lives on. And he visits young children before Christmas dressed as a scare. Scarecrow still to scare them to be good.

[Mike]

So this dude is legitimately the ghost of like a rich, Satan worshiping, fucking scarecrow dressing motherfucker who died by getting struck by lightning. And now he's.

[Ashley]

Whilst eating a boy.

[Mike]

While eating a boy. And now he's just back. Yeah. Doing the damn thing.

[Ashley]

With a brand new set of wrapping papers.

[Mike]

Oh, I love it. I love it.

[Ashley]

My third one is gonna sound really shitty when I say it. And I bet this isn't how you say their name, but here we go. Pierre.

[Mike]

Just throw like a ha ha on there.

[Ashley]

So he's French and his name translates into Father Whipper. So we'll just call him that.

[Mike]

Yeah, just call him Father Whipper.

[Ashley]

So the legend begins with an evil butcher who carved children to eat, you.

[Mike]

Know, as Most legends do.

[Ashley]

Yeah. As most fucking butchers do. You know, have you ever seen Sweeney Todd? But him and his wife lured three boys into his butcher shop.

[Mike]

He was a barber, by the way.

[Ashley]

What?

[Mike]

He was a barber.

[Ashley]

A barber?

[Mike]

Yeah. No, the Sweeney Todd.

[Ashley]

Oh, I was like, no, he's a butcher.

[Mike]

You're like, no, I'm looking at it right now.

[Ashley]

I was like, I did this.

[Mike]

No, I meant Sweetie Todd.

[Ashley]

Oh, well, I haven't seen many musicals.

[Mike]

The Demon Barber, Fleet Street.

[Ashley]

Well, he's a butcher, too, because he butchers the peeps.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

They put some pies, puts them in a pie Phoebe in the kitchen cooking pies with this baby.

[Mike]

Yeah. What just happened?

[Ashley]

You're not gonna get that because you don't listen to rap.

[Mike]

I do not.

[Ashley]

There's this rapper called Fetty Wap, and he's like, I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby, and so is Sweeney Todd.

[Mike]

Okay.

[Ashley]

It's where the. Actually, that's where they got it from.

[Mike]

That is. I'm sure it's not.

[Ashley]

But anyways, it's not. Futard and his wife lured three boys.

[Mike]

Father Whipper and his wife.

[Ashley]

Father Whipper and his wife lured three boys into the butcher shop. He killed them. He chopped them. And they sprinkled some salt on them.

[Mike]

Because you must season your meat.

[Ashley]

Yeah. Yeah. But St. Nick came to the rescue, resurrected the boys and.

[Mike]

Oh, so he's a necromancer now.

[Ashley]

Saint Nick is everything.

[Mike]

Oh, my damn.

[Ashley]

And he, like, just liked up Mr. Father Whipper. Like, he's just like you. And he became St Nicholas's servant. And now his job is to dispense punishment to bad children on St Nicholas Day, just like all these other peeps.

[Mike]

Wow.

[Ashley]

As if they didn't have enough people to deal out punishments.

[Mike]

And. Well, and I like that he was like. So you took it a little far with butchering these three kids and trying to cook them up with some salt.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[Mike]

But now I think you are good for this position I have opened up where you can dole out just some light punishment to children instead of butchering them.

[Ashley]

Quick punishment.

[Mike]

Like, wow, he was lucky to get that job. That is very metal. So metal. This whole thing.

[Ashley]

I feel like yours went a lot better than mine did. But you know what? I tried.

[Mike]

Yours went amazing for all. So basically, I mean, America has kind of made Christmas and the holiday season this, like, jolly, you know, super chill time where you just get anxiety about buying presents and material things. And then over in Europe, they're, like, keeping things metal as and they are just like we're gonna keep it real. The started dark as and we're going to keep it that way. Which I think I'm going to stay.

[Ashley]

Here for the holidays.

[Mike]

But I kind of, I love that they like kept it in the straight up like this. Like the holidays are scary. I don't like that they, they just went with it like they leave.

[Ashley]

Holidays are supposed to be magical.

[Mike]

I mean they are magical over there. Totally in a totally different way. And honestly, for our international listeners, we would love to hear any of you know if any of you remember hearing about these stories or anything that you guys celebrate like this. Like totally tell us because this was fascinating to hear because it's just so different from what we do over in America. So, so let us know. We'd love to hear and I know we have some international listeners that probably have some rad stories. So by all means we love hearing them. So this was our first little mini episode. We hope you dug it. We've been getting a lot of messages lately and we're trying to answer them. So if we haven't answered one of your messages, I just want to let you guys know that we are going to get to it. So don't feel like we're ignoring you.

[Ashley]

We promise.

[Mike]

We love you and we love our messages. We love reading through them. So we'll get to everybody, I promise. And we hope you dig our little second minisodes of the week. So. So.

[Ashley]

And we hope you keep listening to.

[Mike]

Them and we hope you keep it.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Weird.

[Mike]

And Happy New Year.

[Ashley]

Ding ding.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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