Morbid Podcast — November Bonus Episode: Twilight is Weird

Hosts: Ash Kelley & Alaina Urquhart
Date: November 14, 2025

Overview

In this energetic and irreverent bonus episode, Ash and Alaina take a deep, laughter-filled dive into the first Twilight book and movie. Venturing far from their usual haunt of true crime and spooky history, your favorite autopsy technician and hairstylist gleefully re-examine 2008’s camp classic Twilight, dish on wild author revelations, character lore, toxic romance, and hilarious cinematic moments. They also wield their signature blend of research razor-sharp snark to scrutinize Twilight’s problematic aspects, from questionable vampire lore to messy character backstories.

Episode Structure

• Reconvening over a shared, unexplained urge to binge Twilight ([02:08])
• How Twilight pulled in readers of all ages ([07:30])
• The deep lore: vampires, dreams, and problematic "facts" ([09:42])
• Casting drama & the Robert Pattinson Perspective ([05:09])
• The Illustrated Guide and Stephanie Meyer Fandom ([03:44])
• “Venom-based fluids,” marble vampires, and awkward kissing ([17:41])
• Dissecting Twilight’s problematic characters — especially Jasper ([24:06])
• Diversity problems & casting pushback ([38:21])
• Movie style, performances, and legendary camp moments ([41:57])
• Deep dive into the plot and relationships, riffing on fashion, lines, and lore ([47:01])
• Infamous lines, teen melodrama, and “baby girl coded” Bella ([61:14] onward)
• The bonkers finale, “skin of a killer,” prom, and what’s next ([76:44] onward)

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Twilight Phenomenon & Why We’re Here

• Both Ash and Alaina confess to suddenly rewatching Twilight “for no reason” on the same day ([02:08]).
• Ash: “I think I was like prime fucking age for these books. I thought they were just next level.” ([07:42])
• They plan (and threaten) to keep doing every book and movie whether listeners love it or not:
  Ash: “Even if you guys don't like this, I'm just gonna pretend that you did and we're still gonna do the rest of them.” ([03:23])

Stephanie Meyer’s Wild Lore:

Where It Works…and Where It REALLY Doesn't

• Meyer’s dream that started it all:
  Elena: “She had a dream. And this dream was she was watching two people in a meadow…an impossibly beautiful boy and a very average looking girl…he was a vampire.” ([09:42])
• Whitewashing vampires:
  Elena: “In the Illustrated Guide, [Meyer] wrote that all the pigment gets leached out of your skin when you become a vampire...you are white, no matter what ethnicity you are.” ([03:44] and [36:00])
  • Ash: “I would classify that as big fucking weird.” ([04:21])
• Venom as biological basis:
  Elena: “All bodily fluids are venom-based…their saliva is venom, their eyes are lubricated with venom-based fluid…but they don't cry tears.” ([17:41])
• No fangs & awkward kissing:
  Ash: “The first kiss is a tight-lipped, closed mouth kiss because if she gets any saliva, it’s venom… She just passes out from a tight-lipped, closed mouth kiss.” ([19:05])

Characters & Cast: Who’s Weird, Who’s Wild, Who’s Problematic

Robert Pattinson vs Edward:

• Pattinson “hates these movies” and compared the book to “Stephanie’s diary.”
  Ash: “He literally was like…‘I felt like I was reading Stephanie’s Diary.’” ([05:30])
  Elena: “He literally says, like, sexual fantasies about this Edward character…He’s like, ‘And I thought this woman’s mad.’” ([13:58])

Casting What-Ifs:

• Meyer wanted Henry Cavill as Edward, and John C. Reilly as Charlie ([06:05], [57:29])
• Ash: “He just isn’t what I pictured.” ([06:18])
• Elena: “I love Robert Pattinson…but…when he first came on, I was like, disappointed. That’s not what I pictured.” ([06:26])

The Cullens’ Disturbing Backstories (and the "Confederate Soldier" Problem):

• Jasper as proud Confederate soldier:
  Elena: “Jasper’s defining quality is that he’s a very proud Confederate soldier.” ([28:21])
  Ash: “Before everybody gets angry…not all Confederate soldiers are racists.”
  Elena: “But Jasper really fucking wanted to be a Confederate soldier…He literally lied about his age to become one.” ([30:39])
• Jasper’s empathy: Can “feel what anyone else is feeling,” yet never questions his Confederate roots. Ash: “Imagine having to take a course, learning about that time period and still knowing you were on the wrong side.”
• Carlisle and Esme: Esme was a child when she met Carlisle, became obsessed, he later turns her and they get together ([22:59])
• Rosalie's horrifying revenge backstory: Assaulted, murdered her rapists post-turning, “wearing a wedding dress” ([26:42])

Diversity On-Screen & Behind-the-Scenes:

• Director Catherine Hardwicke pushed for more diversity. Stephanie Meyer: “I made my vampires white. That’s the lore.” Laurent could be Black only because “he’s described as having olive skin.” ([38:21]–[39:44])
• Ash: “You could have done that [cast diversely] so many times…”
• Elena: “Missed opportunity…Edi Gathegi is one of the best parts of that movie.” ([38:45]–[39:58])

The Movie: Iconic Moments, Lines, and Camp

Visuals, Soundtrack, and Style:

• “The vibe of the movies is the best. They're just good. They're vibes. Color palette, cozy with the greens and rain…blue tint... Soundtrack is a banger.”
  – Ash ([42:03])
• Legendary opening notes referenced frequently: “When the full moon turns, that's when I'll come home…” ([01:28] and [42:29])
• “Headbands and bowling shirts":
  Ash: “Bella dresses like…I watched it recently and I was like, what the is she wearing in every scene?” ([44:58])

Quotes that “Send [Them] Into Orbit”:

• Edward upon seeing Bella:
  "He acts like she smells like hot garbage liquefied." ([54:12])
  Elena: "He does this body roll. He retches."

• The infamous wood scene:
  Edward: "Say it. Out loud. Say it."
  Bella: "Vampire." ([77:03]–[77:44])

  • Elena: “He's so aggressive…rips open his shirt and just looks a little sweaty. ‘This is the skin of a killer, Bella.’” ([78:36])
  • “He crouch. He literally huffs and puffs and, like, hunches over and says, ‘As if you could outrun me.’” ([78:52])

• Bella’s legendary prom fashion:
  “She wears leggings and a cardigan over her dress. Like…a grandma cardigan.” ([102:03])

• Jacob’s greeting:
  "Bella, where the hell have you been, loca?" ([62:26]) But earlier lines are more unhinged:
  Mike: “How you liking the rain, girl?” ([62:09])

The Relationships: Toxic, Baby-Girl Coded, and Swoony(?)

• Ash and Alaina call out the fundamental weirdness & toxicity of Edward and Bella’s dynamic.
  • "This is…so toxic…she doesn't want to have to take care of herself." ([73:06])
  • Bella’s parents get roasted: "Her mom sucks. You, Renee." "Her mom is a total hot mess." ([73:12])
  • On Edward "watching her sleep": “That's my worst nightmare. We talk about that all the time.” ([85:20])

Plot Holes, Lore Contradictions, and Comic Mishaps

• The ever-present “venom-based fluids” and regurgitated food
  Elena: "[Vampires] don't digest food. So what happens is they eat that food, it sits in a ball somewhere…and then they hack it up like a cat hacks up a hairball." ([61:42])

• “Illustrated Guide” bombs:

  • Jasper remains empathetically untroubled by his Confederate past ([32:22])
  • Vampires are "frozen" in their likes/dislikes ("her own lore kind of... itself")
  • Rosalie’s name was almost "Carol"; Jasper, "Ronald" ([27:34])
  • Tattoos disappear in vampire transformation, yet James sports one ([36:46])

• Deep-cut fandom and books:

  • Shout-out: Why We Love and Hate Twilight by Sarah Elizabeth Gallagher ([03:44])

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “I think you guys are gonna love it. If you don't, you did.” — Ash ([03:29])
• “Robert Pattinson hates these movies. And he hates the book.” — Ash ([05:20])
• “I felt like I was reading Stephanie’s diary.” — Robert Pattinson, as quoted by Elena ([06:29])
• “Jasper’s defining quality is that he’s a very proud Confederate soldier.” — Elena ([28:21])
• “Imagine having to take a course learning about that time period and still knowing that you were on the wrong side.” — Ash ([34:15])
• “Say it. Out loud. Say it.” / “Vampire.” — Edward & Bella ([77:03])
• “This is the skin of a killer, Bella.” — Edward/Elena ([78:41])
• “How you liking the rain, girl?” — Mike ([62:09])
• “He acts like she smells like hot garbage liquefied.” — Ash ([54:12])
• “She wears leggings and a cardigan over her dress. Like…a grandma cardigan.” — Elena ([102:03])
• “He just isn’t what I pictured.” — Ash ([06:18])
• “It's just Emmett.” — Edward ([96:29])
• “You loved it. If you didn't, you did.” — Ash ([105:12])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:28] — The shared Twilight binge that inspired the episode
• [03:44] — Sarah Elizabeth Gallagher’s book & the lore deep-dive
• [05:09] — Pattinson’s feelings, Meyer’s website, and casting
• [13:58] — Author-insert (“Stephanie as Bella”) & Pattinson’s infamous interviews
• [17:41] — Venom-based fluids & vampire biology
• [24:06] — The Jasper issue: Confederate soldier, vampire powers, and never learning
• [36:00] — Whitewashing and pigment discussion
• [38:21] — Edi Gathegi as Laurent, lack of diversity
• [41:57] — Eye colors, movie visuals, and soundtrack
• [47:01] — Friend group & “Jessica as villain”
• [54:12] — Edward’s first bio class with Bella and the “hot garbage” moment
• [62:09] — “How you liking the rain, girl?” and other epic lines
• [76:44] — The “Say it. Out loud” and “skin of a killer” scenes
• [102:03] — Prom and “grandma cardigan”
• [105:11] — Outro, promises for New Moon coverage

Final Thoughts

Ash and Alaina promise more Twilight takedowns in the future, regardless of approval—likely a relief to the legion of listeners who’ll find comfort and comedy in their sharply observed, side-splitting breakdown. They conclude by reveling in the movie’s weirdness, its enduring camp, and their own delight in picking it apart:
"If you didn't love it, you did." ([105:12])

TL;DR:
This is not just a Twilight recap—it’s a total, affectionate roast, punctured with fandom trivia, critical snark, and side-splitting observations. If you’re seeking a comprehensive, hilarious breakdown of all that is wild, weird, and deeply problematic in Twilight (from “venom-based fluids” to Confederate vampires to “how you liking the rain, girl?”), Ash and Alaina have you covered.