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- [00:00]
A
Hello, it's Elizabeth Day from How to Fail here. My next guest is the actual prime Minister, Andy Burnham.
- [00:07]
B
I have to be careful here. This does make me quite emotional. He said, we all knew kind of what time you might be coming up Downing Street. So we got Roy and we got the telly right in front of him, and six of us stood around him and all said, look, Roy, look, look. Momentarily, they said, we thought he knew.
- [00:27]
A
Listen to how to Fail wherever you get your podcasts. Ever wonder how people actually get rich? Like, actually, I'm Molly Sims, and on my show Lipstick on the Rim, I sat down with Haley Sachs, aka Mrs. Dow Jones, to talk money mindset and why getting rich actually starts with how you think about yourself. We get into the money habits nobody wants to talk about, the mindset shifts that actually stick, and how to stop feeling weird about wanting more. Listen to Lipstick on the Rim on Spotify and Apple Music or wherever you get your podcast or watch on YouTube.
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C
Okay, guys, so August 10th is the anniversary of my brother Curtis Radke's passing. I wanted to do an episode to talk about all of this, what this effect has had on me, what it's had on my family, what it's had on my personal life, you know, what I've learned and how it's changed me. It's kind of an unusual experience for me. I'm not really comfortable talking about myself just outwardly, unless I'm being asked questions or being interviewed or having conversations privately. But I feel like, you know, over the years since my brother has passed, there's been so many people who've asked questions or wanted to know more. I've learned a lot about just the grief process in that it never really stops. It just is a constant thing. And for quite a while, I've avoided this conversation because sometimes the nature of my brother's passing was so public. And so, I mean, everybody knew about it, at least as far as I thought, because. Because it happened while I was filming an episode of television of Summer House. So it felt very unique and very different than maybe another friend whose sibling had passed away from a drug overdose, you know, that they didn't learn about it while filming a show. But over time, I've realized that everybody's passing is significant and my brother is no more important than anybody else, and my story and his story is no more important than anybody else's. But it took me some time to get comfortable just spending more time talking about grief because I spent so much time when it first happened because of Summer House. That I felt like I'd done my work and I'd done the job and like I'd spent the time that I needed. But I've realized that, you know, coming up on August 10, which is the anniversary, you know, that there's still things I think that I'm trying to unlock and trying to heal and trying to explore and trying to, like, reflect on about my brother. You know, there's various phases of the grief that I've experienced, whether it's anger, sadness, happiness in a weird way, or, you know, I kind of think fondly of my brother at times, and then other times, I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him. But, yeah, I think it's important to me to use this platform more life to talk about these difficult things. And that was a big reason why I wanted to do this podcast altogether, was talk about the dark stuff, talk about the deep stuff, stuff that's not easy to always share. And, you know, I've been fortunate because of tv, to talk about some of this. I've been kind of forced to, in a way, but I realized the more I open up authentically, it actually is not only helping myself, but it's helping other people. And it's, you know, takes me back immediately to what I experienced on that day, you know, when I got that phone call in the Hamptons. Coming up on six years since my brother has passed, which is kind of crazy to even say out loud, but, you know, I wanted, like I said, to take today and this podcast to just talk about grief, talk about my experience with losing my brother to a drug overdose. You know, what that's meant for me, what it's meant for my family. August 10, 2020. You know, kind of taking you guys back where I was at that point, you know, we started filming what most people recognize as the COVID season of Summerhouse. At that point, wasn't talking to my brother. Now, my brother and I have had a lot of friction as siblings. My brother was five years older than me, and, you know, growing up because of his challenges, there was a lot of friction and a lot of tension between us. We fought a lot, and I'm a younger kid, not really understanding what the drinking is or the drug use was. I'm just hating my brother because he's beating me up and treating me like shit and lying and doing all these things. So I had, like, a really interesting, fragmented relationship with my brother starting around age 10, age 11, because of his drinking, because of his drug use, because of his behavior, his mental health. So Fast forward. You know, I'm in my mid-30s. I've been living in New York City. I've been on this reality TV show. My brother and I had a huge falling out because of the reality TV show. Early on in Summerhouse, had talked about my brother on camera. I talked about him during a confessional, green screen. And kind of what I was sharing was like, you know, I struggle with stuff at home. My brother's a heroin addict. All this stuff. I was just, like, really kind of harsh with what I talked about in regards to my brother and in regards to my family. My brother had, at that point was like, talking to his friends, like, oh, my brother's on some cool reality show. And he was like, promoting it to his friends, and then they go to watch the episode, and it's me basically throwing my brother under the bus on national television about his drug issues. It really upset my brother, rightfully so. I was also, at this point, drinking, using cocaine, acting crazy. And here I am talking about all this stuff on national TV in a way that was not very fair, disrespectful. And it really set my brother off. And my brother posted a bunch of stuff on Facebook at the time, tagging Kyle, Lindsay, the twins, like Ravo tv. Long story short, it caused a huge rift between me and my brother, and I had never really talked to him ever since that. My brother was obviously struggling. I was struggling, but here I was kind of being glorified for being the good kid, and my brother was always kind of the bad kid or the problem child. So there was always like this disconnect between me and him. Even now, we both were struggling just in different ways. But I say all that because the summer of 2020, my mom had called me in June and offered me an opportunity to go catch up with my brother. My brother, at the time, I think, was doing better. He had been sober. He had been working a program. But my brother's career was always like a year sober, working, you know, doing well. And then something would happen, and he would kind of go off to the other direction. So it was just this constant roller coaster. And at that point, I was trying to get sober. Didn't know how, but my mom calls me and says, hey, can you. Do you want to meet him? And I just. I said no. I wasn't comfortable at that point. For whatever reason, I just didn't feel good about seeing him. But a part of me wanted to talk to him and tell my brother to his face, like, hey, I'm struggling too, you know, I need to get help. My drinking, my cocaine use, something like I wanted to talk to him and be real with him. And I didn't get a chance because. Fast forward to, you know, it's the middle of summer. We're filming in the Hamptons. My mom got remarried on August 1st. Some of you who have seen this episode of Summer House, you know, my mom and my dad got divorced. My mom met an amazing guy. They got engaged. They got married August 1st of 2020. So I'm in the Hamptons. I tell my group of friends I want to watch my mom's wedding on Zoom. Because at that point, because of COVID you weren't able to really attend a big, large social gathering. And I also was filming Summer House, so it was a tough decision, but I decided, you know, I'm just. I'm not going to be able to go to my mom's. But we could watch it on Zoom. So we watched the wedding on Zoom. August 1, 2020. Fast forward nine days. My mom calls me. I was in the Summer House. It was actually August 11th, so it's about seven in the morning. I remember waking up. I had a bathroom in my own bedroom that summer. I went to the bathroom, I kind of went back to bed, and I heard my phone vibrate on my nightstand. And I saw my mom's name on the nightstand, on the phone. And anybody who's ever lost someone, there's just something went over my body that was like, that's my brother, or something about. My brother answered the phone. And I'll never forget, my mom told me that my brother had passed away. I don't really remember exactly what I said or did, but from what I recall from some of my housemates at the time, someone heard me scream or crying, but I was just in complete shock. Here I was trying to get my shit together, trying to get sober in my own weird, crazy way. And getting that phone call was just one of the most devastating things I've ever heard. And it was something that for many, many years, because of my brother's challenges and ups and downs, we always had maybe had that in the back of our mind. Obviously, I never wanted that call. But, you know, my brother had so many different ups and downs. Arrests, jail, rehabs, courtrooms. My brother had been homeless. Periods of time he was, you know, using on the streets. He was in and out of methadone clinics. He lived a pretty hardcore lifestyle. So I think a lot of the years, a lot of us thought this is something that might happen, but it happened so I think every year after this, on August 10th or 11th, it's been like this weird feeling of having to kind of remember that day. And I love doing summer house. I love being in the Hamptons. But that moment is always kind of cemented in my brain on August 10th and August 11th. Ultimately, my brother died on August 10th, but I got the phone call on August 11th, which a lot of people remember was also Lindsay's birthday. And so, you know, for part of my relationship with Lindsay, there was always that energy also on her birthday that maybe felt a little bit awkward or odd because of my brother's passing. And it still being a fresh experience and fresh memory. So I think like that calendar, every time it comes around, I don't have it circled. I don't have like a save the date. Trust me. I have just tried to figure out every year, like what it looks like for me and what I'm supposed to do.
- [09:41]
D
Nothing in the world is built for tall people. I just got back from traveling, and
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C
between the planes and the rental cars,
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D
I spent the whole trip folded up like a lawn chair, zero leg room seat digging into my knees. And my body was wrecked by the time I got home. And all I could think about was getting into a real bed. This podcast is sponsored by Casper. Casper makes reliable, high quality mattresses built to deliver comfortable sleep night after night. Which is why out of 99 mattresses, Consumer Reports named Casper's the One, their top rated all foam mattress of 2026. That's a big deal. I actually got matched with the snow and the whole thing is designed to
- [10:20]
C
keep you cool all night.
- [10:22]
D
So instead of doing that flip the pillow to the cold side thing at 3am, you just stay comfortable and stay asleep. For someone who runs warm and never fits right anywhere, that's exactly what I
- [10:33]
C
want out of a bed.
- [10:34]
D
They're built to last, so you're not replacing your mattress every couple years. Firm, soft, in between, whatever you like,
- [10:41]
C
there's something for you.
- [10:43]
D
Remember, the day always ends well with Casper. Right now, save up to 20% on mattresses and up to 25% on everything else. When you go to Casper.com one last time. That's C-A-S-P-E-R.com and save up to 20% on the mattress that you deserve. August is that weird stretch where it's still hot out, but you can feel the fall coming. And honestly, the first place I hit reset is my closet. Quince helps make that reset so easy. Here's my specific thing. They're organic cotton tees. They become my layering staple. That's the piece I build everything around with. Wear it on its own when it's hot, throw something over it as it cools down at night and it just holds up. What got me is the quality. It feels like the kind of tea you'd pay a fortune for at a designer label. And Quince has it for a fraction of that. I use it and you should too. That's kind of their whole deal. Fewer better pieces, made with premium materials
- [11:39]
C
and built to last.
- [11:41]
D
Everything's priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they work directly with
- [11:45]
C
ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for the quality, not the markup.
- [11:51]
D
And it's not just clothes at this point. It's become my go to for betting,
- [11:55]
C
travel stuff and all of it.
- [11:57]
D
Upgrade your everyday Download the Quints app for exclusive offers or go to quints.com radkey get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q U I N C E D.com radke we talk a lot on
- [12:17]
C
this show about getting real, doing the
- [12:19]
D
work and building a better life. Something I've been totally open about is my own struggle with an eating disorder. And if you're listening right now and feeling exhausted by constant thoughts about food, exercise or your body, I get it. I know exactly how easy it is to tell yourself you're not sick enough to get help. But the truth is eating disorders don't have a specific look and you do not have to keep fighting this on your own. That's why I'm so proud to partner with Equip. Equip provides 100% virtual evidence based eating disorder treatment for all diagnoses and all bodies. You don't just get an hour of therapy a week. You get a full dedicated care team in your corner. That means a therapist, a medical provider, a dietitian, and a recovery coach who has actually walked this path and understands
- [13:08]
C
exactly what you're going through.
- [13:10]
D
You deserve more life than what an eating disorder gives you. Real recovery is completely possible. Visit Equip Health Carl to book a free consultation today. That's Equip Health Carl.
- [13:24]
C
The first year after my brother had passed, I actually had this feeling of like, maybe I should plant a tree. Maybe I should do something for my brother to honor him or memorialize him in some way. And my brother loved planting, he loved trees, he loved gardening, and I had gotten like a random tree as a Gift from my mom. That was like an apartment tree. Like, it's something small for your apartment. I had it in my apartment for a few months, and then I was like, you know what? I'm going to plant this. It'd be kind of cool to do something in the Hamptons to honor my brother. Maybe somewhere I could go and access. Not like a grave site by any means, but somewhere that. That I could go visit or kind of have a moment with. And there was an area in the Hamptons that I discovered during COVID that actually wasn't too far away from where our summer house was. It's a nature reserve with, like, a big hiking trail and, like, a really cool access point to a beach. And I would go there to kind of escape, to get my head right, to meditate. And I had this thought, maybe I should plant a tree in this nature reserve. So that was something I did. You know, I think maybe a year or two years into, you know, my brother being gone. You know, I want to say last summer was another year that it kind of took me by surprise because I wasn't really thinking about it too much. But I had a lot of friends and people reach out to me about it, and that's always really welcomed, appreciated. I love when my friends recognize or check in on that day. But I've learned I don't always. I can't expect that to be the case. But, you know, last year, I was definitely, like, I had so many people reach out to me, but then there were people that maybe I wanted to reach out that didn't. And this is something that played out on Summer House that caused a lot of friction and tension. And I've realized, and I learned a lot from that experience, that I can't expect anybody to know what August 10th or 11th is. And, like, that's not on anybody to have that date circled. Of course I appreciate people reaching out, but the nature of my brother's passing was so public and so synonymous with Lindsay's birthday that generally I'm getting, like, 50 text messages every August 10th and 11th about my brother. But over the last few years, that number has continued to kind of lessen and shift and change, and that's totally okay. But I can't expect people. And I don't think you guys can expect people to consistently remember every day or every month that your brother or sibling or your loved one has been. Has been gone. You know, we can talk about that a little bit later in this podcast. Just, like, how people show up for you and, like, what that looks like. But I've learned to not have any expectations of what that should mean. I think for me, what it means is to show up for my mom, show up for my dad, check in on myself, do something for me, do something to honor my brother, but don't put it on other people because they've got their own stuff, they've got other things in their life, and you can't expect them to really remember all those things. I think this year we're coming up on it'll be six years and feeling a lot better about where I'm at in my life. But at the same time, I still, every once in a while, feel a little bit of a blockage of I have all these really cool things happening. I'm very blessed and I'm so lucky in so many ways because of my brother being not here. And it's like a weird thing to always wrestle with, you know, where my brother, I feel like, is a big inspiration for all of these things and a huge catalyst for why I'm doing what I'm doing. But it would be really cool if he was here. And I wish I could have both. But you can't have your cake and eat it too, obviously. But it's been, you know, hard to kind of reconcile sometimes all these blessings and all these gifts as a result of him not being here. And I would imagine, you know, not everybody has that same experience, but since the day my brother has been gone, like, my life has gotten better. And since, you know, my brother's passed, my parents have made amends and are friends again. Since my brother has passed, you know, I've seen so many incredible things occur in my life because of some of the, you know, the catalyst that that has provided me. It was a mirror into my life that I didn't know I needed. You know, watching my brother struggle and then ultimately pass from this disease and this addiction was a wake up call. And it was a reminder that I needed to get help and I needed to look in the mirror. And ultimately, when I saw my niece at my brother's funeral, you know, my brother had a few children and his oldest daughter, my niece Vera, she looks like me. She looks like my brother. She looks like a radke. She looks like us. And when I saw her at my brother's funeral, it was just like a huge. Not slap in the face, but just like a wake up, like, holy cow. This is like what you leave behind. This is the legacy. And that was like a huge moment for me seeing her at My brother's funeral. Because at my brother's funeral, I was not sober and was really struggling with the grief. And what I will say is a big catalyst to get sober was I had a brief period of time after my brother died where I wasn't sober. And that brief, it was about a six month period of time. Alcohol, ultimately, combined with grieving the loss of someone you love was a recipe for me, for death. Like, it really was. I was already sad, already depressed, already really, really just so down. And then there I was, continuing to drink and then continuing to use cocaine, which was just like sending me even worse into a spiral. And I think, you know, that was something that in a crazy way I kind of needed to have happen. You know, I hit rock bottom ultimately after my brother had passed away. And a big reason to hit rock bottom was this was something that had happened where, like, my brother passed away in August 2020. It's now like October of 2020. I'm in my apartment in Soho, drinking by myself, doing cocaine by myself, calling people, saying crazy shit, acting crazy, not sleeping, not eating, doing all these wild, wild things. But the deeper root of it was I was so sad, so depressed, so angry and so confused and didn't know, like, what the hell am I gonna do? Like, I gotta get sober. I don't know how. My brother just passed away. I've got all this stuff happening. But, oh, by the way, my brother's passing was actually filmed, you know, me being at the house, receiving the phone call. The cameras were still rolling after that moment, talking to everybody, telling, I ran to Kyle upstairs, told him first, like, that's all on camera. And this is now going to be an episode of television. So I went into a deep spiral from, like, October till the day I stopped drinking and stopped doing Coke, which was January 7th. That's the last day that I literally put anything up my nose and had any substances. January 8th is my official, you know, sobriety date. But, like, the notion of that becoming a television episode was making me want to kill myself, quite frankly. And I'm not trying to make light of suicide or any of that, but I was so down, so depressed, so sad, that at that moment I honestly, the only way out was, the only thing that made me happy was drinking myself into an oblivion and doing cocaine till I couldn't, like, move anymore. And that was a recipe for literally almost not for me not being here. I woke up out of that and I remembered my niece. I remembered things I wanted for my life and the legacy I wanted to leave behind and like, what do I stand for as a person? So I asked for help, like real help, and found the AA community. I found someone who previously we used to drink and party together, who actually reached out to me and told me I should really take a look at AA if I really wanted to get sober. So I called him and he introduced me to a sponsor. But I think it's kind of reflecting on all of that. Every August 10th and 11th for the last five, six years. It's like that period of time was such an important, life changing period of time for me that you're always kind of reminded of it every summer in the Hamptons. In a crazy way, I feel like that's where I was supposed to be when I got that phone call. Had I been alone in New York City in my own apartment at that moment when my mom called me, I don't know what I would have done. But I was with Kyle, who's my best friend. I was with Lindsey, who was one of my best friends. I was with Sierra and a really strong support group when I got that phone call that day. And what's so crazy is like, I really believe my brother would have wanted me in that house with those friends. He would have wanted me having fun. And that was a huge reason why after the funeral, I went back because ultimately I knew my brother, I think, wanted me to have fun and wanted me to enjoy my summer and to not be a burden. But. But for a period of time, it made me crazy. It made me want to not be around anymore. But I've had to really do some work, get help, and now I've learned to try and appreciate it's a blessing. But I will say people thank me all the time for sharing that story on Summerhouse. And you know, what I want to say is I didn't want that to be on tv. Like, I mean that, like, who would want that moment to ever be on tv? But I didn't have a choice because I signed up for this show many, many years ago. And I also believe in being authentic and sharing your story and your truth. And in the craziest way, I think my brother's passing and my mom calling me while we were filming happened for a reason. It happened so it could help people. It happened so it could connect in a way that maybe Bravo, you know, needs. We have amazing stories that get told on our shows, but these difficult, dark stories sometimes aren't always maybe told or maybe don't get the light that they deserve. So I'm really Grateful that, you know, this story has been so well received and so many people have connected to it, but at the same time, it's also made it challenging because I don't always have it all figured out. I don't always have the right answers. I don't always know how to navigate grief. I've met so many people. I mean, thousands and thousands and thousands of messages from people who watch Summerhouse or have seen on social media that they also have a similar story. And it's heartbreaking. It's gut wrenching, you know, hearing people go through what I. What my family went through. And I know. I know how hard it is, and I know you guys know how hard it is. But I guess the only way to make myself feel better or make maybe my family feel better and honor our family is to talk about it as hard as it can be. People always ask, like, do you make plans or do you have, like, specific things you try to do? And something I talk about with my dad is we'll listen to music. You know, for anybody who's lost someone they love, like, I'm sure there's things that bothered you or that you resent or you hate. But what I've tried to do is flip it to the good stuff, try to remember the good things and the happy memories. And sometimes that can be hard given how your relationship was with that person. But think about my relationship with my brother. I hadn't talked to him since 2016, and the last time I did speak to him was like a really kind of not great situation either. It was at my grandfather's funeral. So being able to connect with my brother in a different way since he's been gone, whether it's through music, whether it's through films, whether it's through tv. And what I mean by that is, like, there's things that me and my brother used to listen to or used to experience together that we're happy and we're good. And my dad and I will try to, like, quote movies back and forth with each other or listen to a certain album that my brother used to love. And for whatever reason that can help feel like you're connecting or you're honoring or you're kind of tapping into, you know, my brother. And that's something I've. I kind of look forward to every anniversary is like, to listen to some of the music I don't always listen to. For him, I sometimes am surprised with, you know, when I turn on some of the music that he would love. Like, it makes me Emotional as hell. And sometimes that's actually a good release. But sometimes I don't feel emotional at all. And I, like, avoid the music that he loves because I know it's gonna rip me apart. But I use August as a reason why to listen to it again. And anybody who's trying to figure out what to do on these anniversaries, try to find the good stuff, try to find the good memories, and whatever that looks like for you, tap into that. But for me and my family and my dad, it's been music and like I said, TV and film. But I don't think there's any right answer for what you're supposed to do. And don't put pressure on that. I think for me, I've always wanted to have the right answers for anniversaries or how to handle all this. And I don't. But I feel immense amount of pressure to have the answer. Cause a lot of people look to me for guidance or inspiration. And I feel like an imposter sometimes. Cause I'm like, I don't know if I'm doing the grief thing correctly. I don't know if I'm celebrating him or honoring him correctly. But I have to recognize that I am, you know, a big part of what I do at Soft Bar. A big part of, like, what I message when I talk is with my brother in mind. And I guess the only way I've made sense of it is my brother's with me. He's still here. He's still providing protection and energy and guidance. So it's important to remind yourself of that. Like, I'm not just doing this alone. I know I say it's for my brother, but he's honestly sitting right here right now. It's just hard to kind of recognize that sometimes. Support for today's episode comes from Square,
- [25:52]
D
the business platform that helps sellers become neighborhood favorites. And this one actually lands for me because I own a business, Soft bar, my non alk bar and cafe. So I know firsthand running a spot like that means hundreds of things happening at once. Payments, inventory, staff, keeping track of what's selling. Square brings all of it into one place so you can focus on your customers, not your to do list. That's the thing I appreciate about it. Instead of juggling five different tools, it's one system. Someone taps to pay the receipt, hits their phone, and your team's actually talking to customers instead of fighting a clunky register. And it scales with you whether you've got a one location or you're growing into more simple, transparent pricing. No hidden fees, no locked in contracts. Cancel or switch anytime. Square helps you run your business more smoothly, bringing payments, operation and insights together in one place so you're ready for whatever's next. Right now, listeners can get up to $200 off square hardware when you sign up at square.com go radkey that's sq U-A-R-E.com goradkey get started with Square and build a setup that works the way you do we talk a lot on
- [27:09]
C
this show about getting real, doing the
- [27:11]
D
work, and building a better life. Something I've been totally open about is my own struggle with an eating disorder. And if you're listening right now and feeling exhausted by constant thoughts about food, exercise or your body, I get it. I know exactly how easy it is to tell yourself you're not sick enough to get help. But the truth is eating disorders don't have a specific look and you do not have to keep fighting this on your own. That's why I'm so proud to partner with Equip. Equip provides 100% virtual evidence based eating disorder treatment for all diagnoses and all bodies. You don't just get an hour of therapy a week, you get a full dedicated care team in your corner. That means a therapist, a medical provider, a dietitian and a recovery coach who has actually walked this path and understands
- [28:00]
C
exactly what you're going through.
- [28:02]
D
You deserve more life than what an eating disorder gives you. Real recovery is completely possible. Visit Equip Health Carl to book a free consultation today. That's Equip Health Carl.
- [28:16]
A
Ever wonder how people actually get rich? Like actually? I'm Molly Sims and on my show Lipstick on the Rim, I sat down with Haley Saks, AKA Megan. This is Dow Jones to Talk Money, mindset and why getting rich actually starts with how you think about yourself. We get into the money habits nobody wants to talk about, the mindset shifts that actually stick and how to stop feeling weird about wanting more. Listen to Lipstick on the Rim on Spotify and Apple Music or wherever you get your podcast or watch on YouTube.
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C
You know, I know a lot of you out there have probably never met my brother. Maybe some of you have who are listening, but I wanted to kind of shed some light on Curtis and who he was and kind of the individual and the human being. My brother was really funny and as a brother we bonded a lot over TV shows. We grew up in the late 80s and the 90s so I'll never forget watching Beavis And Butthead. Sorry. Yeah. Like, we just had a lot of. Just a lot of fun memories watching funny TV shows, whether it was like, Beavis and Butthead or the Simpsons or, I mean, just incredible, like, MTV programming from the early 90s. But my brother had an amazing sense of humor. And I think a big part of what my family, how we bonded over difficult things and difficult circumstances is through laughter. And I think a lot of families who. There's a lot of laughter in the home and a lot of, like, joking or maybe sarcasm that there's also a lot of pain and struggle behind all that. And my family, you know, we had food on our tables. We were always pretty well taken care of, but it wasn't always easy, and it wasn't always like, you know, smooth sailing. So I know my brother, being the oldest child and being the only kid for four and a half years until I was born, had to deal with a lot and had to face a lot of stuff that I'm sure as an only kid and a little boy was very challenging. But the day that I came into the world, I mean, he was like my hero. He was my protector, he was my guide. He was my big brother. And I always loved, loved being like his little brother. And, you know, I always admired and looked up to him. I always wanted to be like him. My brother was an incredible athlete. Baseball was probably his sport of choice. So I spent a lot of my youth going to the baseball field to watch my brother, to support my brother. You know, he was always like the shortstop or the starting pitcher, and people would always knew who I was because of my brother and because of how good he was. So I was always Curtis's little brother, and I took pride in that. I loved being his little brother. And a lot of our days spent growing up were me on the baseball field or me on the soccer field, supporting him and being there for him. So there was a lot of love in the family and a lot of love between us because that's just what we had. You know, we stuck together, the four of us. My mom, my dad, and my brother and I. Even things were difficult, we still had a really strong four of us, and my brother was always kind of the one. I felt like that there was a lot of joy and pride in my brother because of how good he was at sports and because he was such a great character and kid. So that was a lot of my youth was like, my brother was like a great kid and smiling and happy and very involved in school and doing really cool things. But I would say what really made my brother really unique is how hardworking he was. He really was like, I think there's something really beautiful in people who work really hard. And talent is great, but hard work and consistency and really trying your best and doing all that, I think my brother really excelled at working really hard. But what's interesting is, I think because of some of the stuff that my brother experienced at a young age. You know, when we were young, the house that my parents and I had lived in in Chicago, where we were raised originally, we were. You know, the house was foreclosed, so we ultimately had to move out of this house and move into more of, like, an apartment complex. But I was so young, I didn't really know what was going on. But my brother was old enough to know my brother was really of age. Where you're impressionable, that's exactly when trauma can really cement itself. And my brother faced a lot of crazy stuff. So I think as my brother got into his teens, you know, and anybody out there growing up in your teens, girl or boy, it's hard. Kids are tough. Fitting in at school, getting people to like you. And I think when my brother got to high school, there was just something that shifted where he felt like a loser. He felt left out. He felt not included. He felt less than. And then I think some of the mental stuff from trauma in his childhood also played a factor also in just our family in general. You know, alcohol was a huge component of family gatherings. Substances were not normalized. But, like, drinking was a big deal in our family. That was what we did. So I think my brother really resorted to drinking underage and finding a group of friends that maybe wasn't the best suited for him. So that's when for me and him, our relationship really started to change. You know, here I was looking up to my brother. He's my hero. He's the greatest shortstop and pitcher I've ever seen, and he's gonna go to the major leagues. And now he's drinking, underage, skipping school, smoking marijuana, lying to my parents, stealing money from my piggy bank, all sorts of stuff. So there was a really confusing kind of area for someone who's five years younger to then have, like, this animosity and resentment towards my brother. But even during that time, you know, my brother looked out for me. He always was like, I feel like really wanting to protect me and for me to do well. And that's something that, like, even as I'm doing all these things now, that's why I'm somewhat at peace knowing he's still with me and looking out for me. And what's kind of crazy, and it's kind of a fun fact, is, you know, both my brother and myself, we don't go by our first names. We go by our middle name. My brother is Walter Curtis Radke. I'm William Carl Radke, and it's a family thing. But I've always taken a lot of joy out of the fact that my brother and I have the same initials. And there's something really beautiful about that because I feel like no matter what, he's always still with me. My mom tells this story better than I do, so I don't want to butcher it. I wish she was here to tell the story. But when we were, I want to say I was, like, 6 years or 7 years old. The local community that I lived in, Upper St. Clair, they had what they call the Baker Caper. Anybody who's watching or listening knows exactly what I'm talking about. It was like a school fair. One of the rooms was a mini golf. So there's like, little mini putts, holes, golf balls. I'm six or seven. I should not be holding a golf club at this point in my career. Well, I got the putter with my brother standing right behind me, completely whined, like I'm driving the golf ball. So I've got the putter, and I go whack. Hit my brother right in the face, right in the chin. Stitches, hospital, all the things. So it makes me laugh because my mom and our family still occasionally tell this story. But my brother got me back. So fast forward maybe three more years, four more years. A big reason my teeth have been a big discussion over the years on tv. But I'll tell you why my teeth have been a discussion.
- [35:32]
D
Now.
- [35:33]
C
I was probably 7 or 8, and we were playing street hockey. Now, street hockey in Pittsburgh was huge. The Penguins had just won Stanley Cups, like everybody was playing street hockey in Pittsburgh. I'm playing hockey now as a younger brother. I always got thrown in goal because you're just the little kid. You're gonna get all the slap shots and take a beating. So I go into goal. My brother decided to do a slap shot within a foot of me. And Alan has followed through hockey. Stick to the face, chipped teeth. I didn't go to the hospital. I'm tougher and had to go to the dentist to get significant dental work. And then Fast forward, age 12, my brother was an amazing baseball player, as I've Alluded to, and he was really well known among the community for his knuckleball. So a knuckleball in baseball is really difficult pitch to hit because of the way the motion of the. The ball comes. It kind of looks weird and it wobbles, and it's a very hard pitch to throw. My brother and I are warming up at a baseball field in Pittsburgh, and my brother threw a knuckleball that was unbelievable. I'm holding my glove out and the ball comes and I can't. It just was insane. And it hits me right in the face. Chipped teeth again. This time, other front teeth didn't go to the hospital, but had to go to the dentist. So the pearly whites that you're looking at over the years, because of the hockey stick and the baseball to the face, I've had to get my dental work done. But I always have to remember my brother is the big reason why that my teeth look the way they do. So anybody has a problem with my teeth, take it up with Curtis. And I kind of alluded to it before, and it's something that I think about often with my brother, is just his work ethic.
- [37:10]
D
And it makes me think a lot
- [37:11]
C
about people who struggle. You know, there's a lot of folks out there that have a dark side to them. They've been in trouble, they've made mistakes, they've done stupid shit. We still have to have grace and forgiveness and support for those that maybe were sick, suffering, disease, out of their mind, you know, not making the best choices. We've all made mistakes. We've all made terrible choices. But I think my brother deserves, you know, some grace and understanding because, like, I think he taught me so much, and he. With all of those negative things, what I've tried to hold onto is, like, all these positive things that he's shown me, working hard and showing up for people. He really, really loved his family, my brother, if anything, he loved his family more than I do. You know, like, I've used some of what I've done almost as selfish. Where my brother never left Pittsburgh. He stayed at home, stayed on the front lines, had to face some of the stuff that I ran away from. I think that also was a component of what caused some friction between us. Because I graduated from high school, I went to Syracuse, I went to Los Angeles. I was just always on the go go, but deeper rooted, I was kind of running away from my brother, running away from what was going on at home. But my brother always faced it, and I give him A lot of credit for that. And that is something that, as I've processed the grief of all of this, my brother really cared about family and tradition and loyalty and the roots of what a family means and the legacy. And that's been something I really, really appreciate, because that's something I really want for my life. I want to leave a good legacy. I want to build a family. I want to carry on my family's name. And as much as I would do anything to have my brother back, it's been the reminder that I needed at that point in my life that if I get sober, get help, stick to a program, service, help other people, do things I'm passionate about, live with purpose and authenticity, that I can, like, have a really nice, fruitful life. And I just have my brother to thank for a lot of that. I think this is an important section of this podcast where talking about showing up or, like, what helps or, like, what you're supposed to do, what you're supposed to say. Because, like, I don't know what to say half the time. And I think a lot of people who are maybe listening to this or maybe who followed some of my story maybe follow me to figure out what
- [39:34]
D
to say or to process all of
- [39:37]
C
this stuff that goes on, because we've all had unique experiences and we all have really important stories. But I think sometimes, I don't know, like, how do you talk about it, or how do you show up for those people, or how do you kind of navigate really uncomfortable things? I think, like, there's always an element of, you don't want to say the wrong thing. I suffer from this all day long. At the end of the day, grief is universal. And if there's anything that I've learned, it's from some of my experiences going to Al Anon, which is something I really advise and wish anybody to touch on and go to. Because ultimately, there's no perfect way. There's no real solution. There's no answer. But what I always try to advise is the more you can educate yourself and try to inform on some of this, I think the better. You can kind of try and show up for other people. I do not have all the answers. No one does. And I think that that's okay. But I think there's ways to talk to someone or show up for someone who's recently lost somebody. What I would say, what I've personally tried to do, is just reach out and tell them you're there and you're thinking about them, sometimes reaching out immediately, maybe Isn't the best because they're probably being inundated with stuff, but sometimes maybe they're not. But reach out whenever feels comfortable for you. I think also maybe extending the notion that you have experienced something similar, but quite frankly, like, I don't think there's a real exact answer or what you're supposed to do or say. I think just holding space for someone, showing that you care, letting them know that you're there, is the most important thing. What I will say I wouldn't do is try to fix it. Try to offer something that might be just a little bit too much for the moment without full understanding for someone who's just lost somebody.
- [41:16]
D
Show up for them in a different
- [41:17]
C
way, Invite them to a workout class or maybe offer them a meal that you could deliver to the house because they've got so much going on. And a big part of when you lose someone is there's so much shit you gotta take care of. And sometimes cooking for yourself or eating is an afterthought. Just texting and saying you care. For me, that meant a lot. Now, because of the nature of my experience of how my brother passed, I had 3,000 text messages. So, like, if I can be honest, I wish people stopped texting me. I'm serious. Like, that's the level of overwhelm I was receiving at that point. Now, I'm not, like, complaining, but I wasn't prepared or equipped for 3,000 people reaching out to me about my brother passing away. But at the same time, what I realized is, like, people care about my brother. They loved my brother. And, like, I tried to receive that love and try to channel that love towards my family and towards my parents and towards, like, the mission of helping other people. But for me, that's what I experienced, you know, maybe being a little embellishing on the number, but I'm serious. Like, it was a significant amount of communications directed towards me about my brother and all of that. But what's really interesting is two, three weeks after, a month after, it slowly fades away. And I think over time, what was really nice and supportive and appreciated is when people checked in many months after or gave it some space and tried to, you know, check in another way. But again, the nature of how I learned about my brother and how it all unfolded, I don't know if that's what. Like, if someone is going to be comfortable talking about it in the same way that I am publicly. You know, if my brother passed away on a Tuesday while we weren't filming Summer House, would we be talking about this right now. I honestly don't think we would. So that's what's so unique about some of this grief conversation is like I was kind of forced to have this conversation publicly with thousands and thousands of people. But that's not maybe necessarily how everybody else is going to experience their personal grief story. Where you probably want more people to reach out to you about your sibling or loved one you wish, maybe more people extended check ins or. I've been so blessed and fortunate that I've gotten that. So I think maybe a deeper rooted reason why I'm doing all of this stuff is to help because I've been so lucky because of the way it all unfolded and there's so many people out there that don't have that same experience. Well, I appreciate you guys listening in on this one. This has definitely been a unique experience for me as I'm sitting here talking and been thinking about, you know, this episode for a couple days now. Just like what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. And, you know, I think you guys have maybe gotten to know me a little bit over the last couple months with more life in these episodes that I don't know, like, I certainly am opening up and being vulnerable, letting my guests also open up and be vulnerable. But it's really important to me to like, continue to showcase and share these different emotions and feelings and things that I'm experiencing. I'm a big believer in just kind of showing you the progress and the journey of it, not just the destination, you know, the ugly, the awkward, the weird. And talking about your brother who's passed away is hard sometimes. Try to stick to this principle with a lot of what I do, which is if one person is helped or inspired or impacted by this conversation today, then I've done my job, you know, so, like, I, I have to ask myself, because I ask this of all my guests, what's giving you more life right now? And I think honestly, this more life community and the podcast world is giving me more life. I've been so blessed with the last five, six months of this podcast that it's been incredibly fulfilling, you know, having guests who have incredible stories and come from varieties of backgrounds and have impressive success but also difficult adversity and have really come to rise above and have done so much great stuff and then they come in here and share it with me. I feel really blessed and lucky to have such great people, but I'm also learning a lot through these conversations. I'm also growing a ton of Cause you know, the version of Carl from last summer, even having crash outs about people not wishing me well on my brother's anniversary of his passing, you know, and I've really benefited a lot from reflecting and learning and asking really good questions. So I think what's giving me more life right now is more life. You know, I think I want to also take a second to resources, resources, resources, resources. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, I am not a guru. I say this any chance I can because I don't want to be perceived as anything other than just one person who just fell to his knees from alcohol, cocaine, but has gotten the help and can move forward in life and live a very fulfilling life. Drug, alcohol free. At the end of this podcast, we will be listing some of these resources for you guys. There's some that I've personally used. There's some that come recommended from other friends of our show. But I want you guys to know that there is tons of stuff, stuff out there. But today, you know, if there's one thing I want to leave the listener with and it is that if you are struggling, there is help. If you are hurting, there is help. If you are looking to help someone else, there is help. But the most important thing is making sure you take care of yourself first. Appreciate you guys being here. Come check us out next time on More Life here in Greenpoint at Soft Bar.
- [46:33]
D
Cheers. More Life is produced by Annie Siegel and executive produced by Adam Reynolds of Denim Pictures. This episode was directed by Annie Siegel, edited by Mikey Ortiz and recorded at Soft Bar Studios in Brooklyn, New York. More Life is a production of Sony Music Entertainment from Sony. Our executive producers are Chris Chris Skinner and Joanna Clay. Original music by Function Adams. Sound mixing by Ian Sorrentino, set design by Michael Ignacio. Publicity by Caitlin Healy. Additional support from Abby Sharp and a special thanks to Allison Shano and Joanna Orland. New episodes drop every Tuesday.
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C
We'll see you next time.