EP 35 - Why Adult Friendships Are So Hard (and What We’re Doing About It)

Summary

Podcast Summary: More Than Reality with Adam and Danielle Busby
Episode 35: "Why Adult Friendships Are So Hard (and What We’re Doing About It)"
Release Date: May 29, 2025

In Episode 35 of "More Than Reality with Adam and Danielle Busby," hosts Adam and Danielle delve into the complexities of maintaining adult friendships amidst the demands of family life, professional responsibilities, and personal growth. This episode offers a candid exploration of the challenges faced by parents, especially those juggling large families, and provides actionable insights on fostering meaningful and enduring friendships.

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1. Weekly Life and Family Updates

[01:06] - Introduction to the Episode

Adam opens the episode by reiterating the podcast's mission to explore the deeper aspects of faith, family, and marriage beyond their popular TV show, "OutDaughtered." He sets the stage for a discussion centered on adult friendships.

[01:24] - Danielle Shares a Busy Week

Danielle recounts the hectic start of summer, highlighting the shift in family dynamics now that the children are out of school. She humorously describes the difficulty in keeping track of days, feeling as though every day blends into a weekend-like pace.

[04:35] - First Indy 500 Experience

Danielle shares her first experience attending the Indianapolis 500, detailing the involvement of her extended family and how having additional children (via cousins) present made managing family activities smoother. She emphasizes the value of having more hands to entertain the kids, making outings more enjoyable and less chaotic.

[05:44] - Summer Activities and Plans

The couple discusses their summer traditions, mentioning postponed plans due to unfavorable weather. They reflect on past experiences at Splashway and Kalahari, highlighting their enthusiasm for annual water park visits and community-building family activities.

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2. Personal Reflection: Schooling and Parenting

[10:03] - Connect Card Segment Introduction

Adam introduces a "connect card" segment, where he and Danielle ask each other deep questions to foster meaningful conversations. Today's focus is on areas where they've felt affirmed in their lives.

[10:41] - Danielle on Affirmations in Her Life

Danielle reflects on recent affirmations related to her work in networking and photography. She shares how participating in the Indy 500 provided opportunities to reconnect with influential individuals and reignite her professional skills. Danielle expresses gratitude for affirmations that recognize her natural ability to build relationships, despite occasional self-doubt and imposter syndrome.

[15:14] - Danielle's Struggle with Schooling Decisions

Danielle opens up about her unease regarding the current schooling system for her children. She questions the traditional model, inspired by discussions like Courtney Kardashian's critique of outdated schooling. Danielle contemplates alternative education methods, such as co-op homeschooling, reflecting her desire to align her children's education with her faith and personal values.

[17:32] - Exploring Alternative Education Models

Danielle elaborates on the homeschooling co-op model embraced by many in her circle of friends. She contrasts it with the conventional public school system, questioning the efficacy and relevance of traditional schooling in today's rapidly evolving world. Danielle emphasizes the importance of intentional education that aligns with faith-based principles and equips children with practical, real-world skills.

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3. Main Discussion: Challenges of Adult Friendships

[26:02] - Transition to Friendship Discussion

Danielle steers the conversation toward the central theme of the episode: the difficulty of maintaining adult friendships. She outlines the various life stages and responsibilities that complicate the cultivation and preservation of meaningful friendships.

[30:05] - Defining Quality Friendships in Adulthood

Danielle emphasizes the importance of quality over quantity in friendships, especially for individuals in their 40s balancing marriage, parenting, and professional duties. She shares her criteria for true friends: those who are available anytime, provide emotional replenishment, and contribute positively to one’s spiritual and personal growth.

Notable Quote:

"For me, my real friends are the friends that I feel like I could call any time of the day, any time of the night...they would answer and drop whatever they're doing."
— Danielle Busby [31:00]

[31:20] - The Gender Dynamics of Friendship

The hosts discuss the differences in how men and women approach friendships. Danielle highlights that women often prioritize "girl time" as a soul replenishment, whereas men might struggle to find and allocate time for similar meaningful connections.

Notable Quote:

"Friendship, to me, is another one of my avenues of what replenishes me. I need girl time to remember that I'm a friend and I can be funny...I need that time weekly with my friends."
— Danielle Busby [32:02]

[34:15] - Overcoming Time Constraints

Danielle addresses the common struggle of finding time for friendships amidst work and family obligations. She acknowledges the guilt both husbands and wives may feel when trying to prioritize personal time over family responsibilities.

[35:07] - Strategies for Scheduling Friendship Time

The discussion moves to practical solutions for integrating friendships into busy schedules. Danielle suggests pre-scheduling regular meet-ups and emphasizes the importance of consistency, even on challenging days.

Notable Quote:

"If you can make sure that you're consistent with what you planned, then that is where fruit will be grown, even if it was a hard day."
— Danielle Busby [43:53]

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4. Building and Maintaining Meaningful Friendships

[37:00] - Planning and Prioritizing Friendships

Danielle discusses the importance of intentionality in fostering friendships. She advocates for pre-planning social activities that fit within the constraints of busy lives, such as evening meet-ups or weekend gatherings, to ensure consistent engagement.

[38:07] - Addressing Common Excuses and Guilt

The hosts explore the tendency to cancel friendship plans due to unexpected family obligations or bad days at work. Danielle encourages couples to give each other grace and reinforce the importance of maintaining personal friendships for overall well-being.

[40:55] - Mutual Support in Friendships

Danielle and Adam emphasize the need for couples to support each other's friendships. They advocate for creating space that allows both partners to nurture their personal connections without guilt or resentment.

[48:24] - Characteristics of True Friendships

Danielle defines true friendships as those that go beyond superficial conversations. Real friends are those who ask deeper, more meaningful questions and provide genuine support, often holding each other accountable and encouraging personal growth.

Notable Quote:

"A real friendship doesn’t mean how many friends do I have. It means what is the depth of the friendship... how authentic is that person."
— Danielle Busby [51:59]

[53:43] - Setting Healthy Boundaries

The discussion covers the necessity of setting boundaries to protect oneself from unhealthy friendships. Danielle advises listeners to establish limits and communicate openly when a friendship becomes detrimental or negative.

[55:07] - Handling Negative Influences

Danielle shares strategies to cope with friends who consistently bring negativity into conversations. She suggests redirecting such interactions through prayer or gently ending the conversation to maintain a positive and supportive friend network.

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5. Conclusion and Listener Challenge

[58:10] - Encouraging Actionable Steps

As the episode wraps up, Danielle challenges listeners to proactively make time for their friendships. She urges them to schedule intentional meet-ups, whether it's for coffee, lunch, dinner, or a meaningful activity, emphasizing that everyone—husbands and wives alike—needs the support and companionship that true friendships provide.

[58:40] - Final Words of Encouragement

Danielle concludes by reinforcing the importance of prioritizing friendships and the positive impact they have on one's life and spirituality.

Notable Quote:

"Make your friendship a priority and find those times because everybody needs it. Husbands need it. Wives need it."
— Danielle Busby [58:10]

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Key Takeaways

• Quality Over Quantity: Prioritize deep, meaningful friendships over a large number of superficial connections.
• Intentionality is Crucial: Actively schedule and commit to regular meet-ups to maintain and strengthen friendships.
• Support Systems: True friends provide emotional support, accountability, and help in personal growth.
• Setting Boundaries: It's essential to establish boundaries to protect oneself from negative or unhealthy friendships.
• Mutual Respect in Relationships: Encourage and support each other's need for personal friendships within marital relationships.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Danielle on Real Friendships:
   "For me, my real friends are the friends that I feel like I could call any time of the day, any time of the night...they would answer and drop whatever they're doing."
   — Danielle Busby [31:00]

2. Danielle on Replenishment:
   "Friendship, to me, is another one of my avenues of what replenishes me. I need girl time to remember that I'm a friend and I can be funny...I need that time weekly with my friends."
   — Danielle Busby [32:02]

3. Consistent Planning:
   "If you can make sure that you're consistent with what you planned, then that is where fruit will be grown, even if it was a hard day."
   — Danielle Busby [43:53]

4. Depth of Friendship:
   "A real friendship doesn’t mean how many friends do I have. It means what is the depth of the friendship... how authentic is that person."
   — Danielle Busby [51:59]

5. Making Friendship a Priority:
   "Make your friendship a priority and find those times because everybody needs it. Husbands need it. Wives need it."
   — Danielle Busby [58:10]

---

Final Thoughts

Episode 35 of "More Than Reality" offers valuable insights into the intricate nature of adult friendships, especially for parents navigating the challenges of large families and busy schedules. Danielle and Adam provide a heartfelt discussion, blending personal anecdotes with practical advice, making this episode a must-listen for anyone seeking to enrich their social connections and maintain meaningful relationships in adulthood.

Transcript

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[Adam Busby]

This is More Than Reality podcast, where we dive into all things faith, family, and marriage and share that there is so much more than the reality that you see on the surface. Welcome to More Than Reality with Adam and Danielle Busby.

[Danielle Busby]

What's up?

Hey. Hey.

It's episode 35 of More Than Reality podcast.

Yes, 35. We're making our way in there.

So we've had a crazy of a whirlwind of a week, man.

And it's like, summer start. Like, I literally. It's like three days into, like, summer or something like that. Like, I feel like I can't even keep up with, like, what today is.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

Now that the kids are out of school, but it just feels like a.

Saturday or, like a Sunday or something, you know?

I know. It's like a totally different, like, pace of life now that all the kids are back home, which means every day, no alarms all day.

Which is amazing.

I guess I shouldn't have to wake up as early as I normally do, but.

No, because then you wake me up and I'm like, that's rude.

Cause I still set my alarm to the same time and just go to the gym. Actually, I will, like, kind of sleep, like, an extra 30 minutes or so.

I know. Which means you snooze, snooze, snooze. Like when we were in.

Which is kind of pointless because then I'm just, like, snoozing every. I think the iPhone, it, like, resets itself, like, every nine minutes or something like that.

No, like in the airport when we. I meant. And when we had to Fly home just the other day. Yeah, the alarm was set for like 4:00am or something. And mine was like set for like 4:05 or like 4:08. And yours went off and you didn't touch it. It just kept going and going and going. I'm like, because.

Because I had my normal. I had my normal alarm set for like 5am for whenever I go to the gym. And I just re. I just adjusted that alarm for the day to wake me up at 4. And it. It's alarm that starts off really quiet. Yeah, usually I can like wake up really quickly whenever I'm at home, but it was a long weekend, late nights, early mornings, whenever we were in Indianapolis for the race and we had to be up super early to get to the airport to fly back to Houston. And it was just that alarm that just like starts off real quiet. And I guess you heard it and I didn't.

I did. I heard it. And I'm like, he's not gonna press that button.

I heard it after like five minutes or something like that.

But anyway, so anybody else relate? Does your husband's or spouse alarm go off and they choose to not press the snooze button or. And they're just gonna snooze through?

I normally wake up before the alarm goes off and just like turn it off. But not that day.

Not that day. I was waking up. This is usually around the time I wake up and I have to like, pee. I was like, looked at the clock and I'm like, no, I gonna have to get up in a few minutes. And then your alarm started going off. And I was like, but my alarm didn't go off yet. He's not gonna press the alarm. Should I get up? No. I was like, my own battle within myself of like, do I press it? Do I get up? Do I go pee? Do I just stay in bed? Cause it's a couple more minutes. And then.

So Danielle had her first Indy 500 experience.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yep.

[Danielle Busby]

We had my parents driving from Louisiana. They came and stayed with the girls. They brought two of the cousins from Louisiana to stay. It's funny how it's. It's almost easier when you bring more kids in the equation that aren't normally here because they just entertain themselves. And so it makes it. Even though you're adding more kids, it makes it easier.

Yeah, it's funny because it keeps them occupied and keeps them playing with, you know, especially their cousins that they don't see off that often.

Funny because, like, mom and dad are coming here to watch six Kids watch six kids and then they bring two more. Like, okay, but it is easier.

It is easier for sure.

I mean, we always find that, like whenever, especially now that summer's kicked off, the girls are like, can such and such come to play? We're like, sure.

Literally, we've been home, come on, for two nights, and they've had a friend sleep over two night for one night, and then the next night another night. Yeah, like, whatever. Guys like yolo summertime, they're constantly, you know, it's been one kid each night, which is. Which is sometimes not the norm. Like, usually it's like two.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

We were going to head out to Splashway and do like a summer kickoff, but the weather just does not. Is not in our favor. And it's been like, stormy, nasty. It's going to be like that. So we've postponed it. We're still going to do it because we love Splashway. Little kind of like, kind of like a staycation, but it is like an hour or so away, hour and a half away.

Like, we've been doing that every year since the kids were like, really young. And we actually skipped Splashway last summer.

Last summer we did, because we did.

Kalahari, because Kalahari invited us out and then.

Which was super fun and stuff too. But that's.

We've never been there before. And it was at. In Round Rock. And so it didn't really, you know, we did the water park thing to kick off summer, but so this summer.

Kickoff was really Adam and Danielle going to Indy 500.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

So now I was trying to like, we were trying to like, make up and be like, okay, this is going to be when we kick off the summer, little mini staycation over at Splashway. But now it's postponed because of the weather, so we'll go in a couple weeks. But kids are looking forward to that. It's a great. If you're in like, in the Houston area, it's definitely a place to like, check out especially, I would say. I mean, the kids are getting older, so, you know, 10 and 14. We'll still have a lot of fun. But I really do think if like, you're in the age of like that 5, 5 to 10, it's like prime.

No, I mean, I think it's even older because, like, Splashway, it's like one of those water parks every single year they add on new stuff. And like, lately the, like the past few years, like, they've been adding like these big water slides and like, kind of revamping the whole park. Like, the owners of Splashway are like really awesome whenever it comes to like planning new rides and stuff. And like, I mean, they've made that place a destination. I mean, it's only. It's about an hour and a half outside, like sat southwest of Houston. Town called Sheridan. It's like out in the middle of nowhere.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

Because it started out as like a campground where you can travel out there with like your RV and stuff. And they have a few, like, you know, they have camping sites, RV sites, cabins, cabins, bunk houses, tiny homes.

Oh, the new tiny homes are so adorable. They are kind of been the newest addition of the last like couple years. But they're so cute. But yeah, it is grown and then.

The water park's awesome. But then they also have all these things, like in the evenings whenever the water park closes, you know, just for fun stuff that you can do with your family. There's activities, there's movies.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

They have an outdoor like kind of like a drive and movie theater which you can rent. You can rent or bring your own, like golf carts and stuff. They have all these golf carts there to rent. You can drive around the property. You're free to like bring your own in if you want. But there's just a lot of fun.

Kid extra activities to do once the.

Water park closes there.

Yeah, huge park. There's sand volleyball. There's like the big jumpy like blow.

Up mat, kind of like land blob.

Land blob? Yeah, that's a good word. You can fish, you can kayak, you can. I mean, there's just. It's a great little getaway.

Enjoy it.

Especially around the Houston surroundings.

Every time we've been like, we have an absolute blast. And it's just like fun family memories. It's like super family oriented.

We always play bean boozle in the cabin. Like literally. Ava brought that up today. She's like, well, it's okay if it rains. We'll just play bean boozle. And I'm like, we always play bean boozle. It's kind of where we first started playing bean boozle.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

But I was like, no, we're just gonna go. It's gonna rain most of the time. So like, let's just postpone it a couple weeks.

And it's always a funny, a funny game to play with family.

Yeah. If you've never played bean boozle, you gotta do it. I mean, it's literally this jelly bean game with it either has like a good, like, it might be a green jelly bean. It's like A good flavor or a bad flavor. Like, it might be like fruit, like pear is this one. Or it might be like, boogers. And you don't know until you try it. And you have like, a little spinny.

Wheel and it tells you what color eggs or popcorn.

I mean, it's. It is literally, it's so fun. And we, like, die laughing as many times as we played it. It's still funny every time.

Yeah.

Anyway, so let's jump into a little connect card here. You want to. I'm going to ask you first.

So I just draw one and give it to you.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

What areas of your life have you been affirmed in lately? Pretty deep question. So these cards, we just ask each other kind of conversation starters and topics where I ask him a question and he answers, and then he asked me a question and I answer. Typically, we don't answer the same question. But Adam's question today is, what areas of your life have you been affirmed in lately?

I think it probably center around, like, work, networking and, like, creating relationships and just kind of building different relationships and, like, networking and stuff. And, you know, I've had a few people lately, like, affirm and like, man, like, glad you were a part of that conversation or. And even in, like, photography and stuff, it's like, man, like, it's always awesome having you here because you get like, just these great, like, candid moments of certain things. Drawback to that is I never get any photos of myself usually, but hold the role.

You do, you just don't. They're not with your camera at times.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

So you're getting really awesome photos and then it's intimidating. I've got a few iPhone pics every now and then, but yeah, we had, like, a lot of, like, really cool conversations, especially this past weekend at Indy 500. And just like, networking Good Ranchers, we sponsor on Fox, like, across the board, Fox Sports, Fox News, all the things. And Fox runs all the IndyCar stuff as well. And we did a Fox and Friends segment and stuff. And we got to kind of rub shoulders and network with, like, a lot of the Fox executives and stuff and brought up some cool ideas and, you know, and future things that we can do, future endeavors and stuff that we can do with them. And it was just some cool conversations to be a part of. Really neat people to meet that kind of pull a lot of the strings high up at Fox and stuff. But, yeah, it's always fun. You know, I did that a lot with my former career. Yeah, I was about to, but now it's like, and then I went through this season of, you know, working for myself and kind of just being by myself, which you, you know, whenever you don't flex those muscles as much, you kind of like flounder a little bit and aren't really used to, you know, those kind of conversations. But the more and more you do it, you know, the better you become with it. And so, you know, just being very involved with like good ranchers and stuff. I've had like a lot of those opportunities, doing a lot of traveling and stuff with them and doing a lot of special events and stuff with them. And so it's been, it's been cool to flex those muscles again and you know, something that I really enjoy. But it's just forcing yourself into situations that you don't kind of like you have imposter syndrome a little bit. You don't feel like you're, you're really supposed to be in certain circles. But then you get affirmed from people that like, oh, thank goodness you were in that conversation because you've always been.

You'Ve always been a people person.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

Even back in the day when you were in outside sales, it was like, you always were amazing networker, amazing on like growing depthness of the friendship or the quality of like what you were selling to a person. It wasn't just about a transaction, it was always about a relationship.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

Like me and my brother in law, our former, my former career, he's still doing that kind of stuff but like we would always kind of tag team and I would be like more of the relationship guy and build like these stronger friendships with people. And then he would be more of the, like, let's stay on task, let's stay focused, like what are we here for? And stuff. And he was like more like all business transaction.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And, but, but it complemented each other very well because you know, he would jump in and ask those tough questions and then I would kind of be there to you know, like play both sides of it and like be the friend, like play that friendship part of it. And it worked really well. But you know, whenever you don't do it in a while, you know, you just have to keep forcing yourself into those situations and flexing those muscles and, and finally, you know, things start coming around. You're like, okay, I'm comfortable at this again and I'm getting there. I'm not quite back where I used to be, but I feel like I'm getting there.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And I'm enjoying it. I like, I like it a lot.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

For sure.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

I like it.

[Danielle Busby]

I like it a lot.

Are you gonna fan them out to me so you can see all of them?

Oh, I picked it up.

I'm gonna pick the one I can read at the bottom. Just kidding.

Is there anything in your life that you don't have peace about right now?

Oh, I said don't be hard. What do I not have peace about?

Dropping bombs?

Well, I mean, we've kind of talked about this in the past couple episodes, you know, here and there. Just how we're going through, like, this big change of, like, how we feel like God's kind of, like, taken our life, dumped it upside down, and, like, shaking it and weeding out things that aren't kingdom driven or minded or where we're kind of needing to weed out a lot of, like, I wouldn't say bad or negative, just we're in a season of change, I think. And so having peace is something that when you're in a season of change, having peace is what affirms those decisions. And so we have had some peace through a lot of. Some of these change transitional things. But I think where I don't have peace right now is when I think about kids in school.

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[Danielle Busby]

Feeling pulled and struggling on something I've never really had to really second guess and think about, but I think my eyes have been more open to what does school look like and what does school really mean?

Also, it's like twofold, because there could be. There could be a chance that our kids may be going to a different School altogether, anyway.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

But, you know, there. I think there was a post or something about Courtney Kardashian saying, like, school is so outdated or something. Something like that. Like, why do our. Why do we put our kids through school? It's so outdated. It was something on the lines of.

That A little bit of that is true. I think there's a lot of stuff that just.

And I resonate.

Wasted time in school. For sure.

I resonate with that. And I'm sure that there was a lot of like, hit towards, towards her comments or like her statement, but I resonate with that. Currently in thinking I kind of, I kind of agree with it a little bit because, you know, we. School. What is school and what is the value of school and what's the purpose of school and how does it affect your life and what are you doing with your kids around that? And so to me, school's always been, this is where you go, this is what you do, this is where you learn. This is, you know, so your parents can go to work and it's seven, eight hours a day and blah, blah, blah. But now that we have our own kids and we are putting our kids in school, you know, Blake's about. Blake will be starting her freshman year of high school and the quints are going to be starting their last year of elementary school. So as they're getting older and I don't like, take away or regret anything that we've done school wise, but I think I'm now looking at, at school a different lens as my heart has been more expanded to like, what does God really view us? And I'm talking about Busby's us. How does he want us to view school and how does he want us to raise our kids? We can't change anything that we've done. But this switch in me has gone off and said I feel like we should be doing something different. So I don't have peace about this situation that I feel like God's opened my eyes to.

Well, it's funny because, like, you go into like now like this circle of friends that we're in right now, a lot of them are going the route of like co op, homeschooling. And so it's not just like your kids are just at home and you're, you're homeschooling at home. It's like a co op.

So, yeah, or some of them have done the co op and now they go to an actual, like public school or they've gone to public school and they've pulled Them to co op or some of their kids do co op and some of their kids go to public school. So I just have never kind of like fully looked into like what is best for that child in a sense versus this is how school is perceived and this is how I've done school and we've done school and this is what school is. So I've just something God's kind of put on my heart and something I've just been praying about and like I don't really have like the full piece about a change of something, something to do differently. And so that's really where I sit on. I don't have peace about this is what we should be doing, keeping it or peace about should we change something.

So yeah, because you see like even the people that we know of that are like homeschooling and like the more that you look into it, most of the stuff that they're doing in school wise they're finishing like, I mean they have about three hours of school a day and they're getting in everything that they need. And you're just looking at that and you're like man, how much of our kids day is just like wasted on just like. But it's not on, on like the status quo of like we're doing this because we've always done it this way. And is it the best way to go about teaching your kids? Is it the best, the best format for teaching kids and, and stuff like that? I mean, I mean public schools are doing the same thing that they've pretty much done for I mean generations now. You know, it's pretty much done the exact same way. And you know, is it the best way? I mean I look at you know, school growing up, I mean, I mean, yeah, other than like the basic reading, writing, arithmetic, stuff like that. And if you're not going, if your intention isn't going further in higher education to get a specific job where you need more of like science oriented stuff or in the medical field or, or whatever. I look at what I'm doing nowadays, like I don't, I don't really need much of that schooling or much of even much college after school or they're doing, doing what I do now, I mean in like photography and I mean a lot of the stuff and like marketing and stuff. I mean a lot of that stuff. It's just, it's learning like algorithms and like how things, you know, what works and stuff in this particular climate and like this culture and stuff right now and, and you're constantly Evolving. So, like, stuff you would have learned in school. I mean, it's hard to make it even really apply to, like, okay, what's happening right now and what works right now and. And all this stuff because you constantly have to be changing and stuff that I would have Learned, you know, 20 plus years ago at school.

Well, I think there's.

It's all stuff that I didn't really need.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And I mean, if you. If you really, really take it back the world here today in America and how we do school is. We need a place, parents need to work, so kids go to school for long periods of times. But if you look in other countries and whatnot, like, schooling is a couple hours, and then you're doing things as a family or for the family or in, you know, more physical, needed things as a family. And I don't know, I mean, we could have a whole topic about this, but that was my answer. I don't really have a piece about do we need to change something or keep it the same or, like, whatever that might look like. So thanks for asking.

I went down this rabbit hole yesterday. Last night in bed, I finished watching, like, that playoff game, and, like, I pulled up my phone, I was about to put it on the charger, and I just happened to, like, look at Instagram to check something real quick. And this family got, like, kind of pushed to me in my feed. And it was. It was this family that's like, sailing on a sailboat. A family of six. They have some young kids or whatever, and they're sailing around the world and they're doing all their schooling and everything on the boat and. But they're having, like, all these, like, awesome family experiences and, like, learning all these different cultures and stuff and, you know, everywhere that they stop and. But also, like, having these super meaningful days. I mean, these kids wake up and, you know, they read their Bible and they journal and. And then they're learning all these other things, you know, through homeschool. But also, you know, whenever they're hopping from country to country and making all these stops and like, learning all these different.

Don't take me on a boat to sail the world, but I'll sail the world, just not on a boat.

I mean, it looks great until you watch a video of them getting caught in a horrible storm.

Oh, geez.

You're like, oh, God, that does not look fun.

No, no.

Like, what they do through that. Yeah.

But there is a lot of more freedom, and I. And I love that aspect of, like, the. The. The freedom of like family time, being on our pace of travel or whatever. So that's something else that we've been. You know, when we talk about change and what we're. What God wants next for us, we. We're in this phase of life change. But also would love something like that, but don't know what that would really look like.

I remember a few years ago, we were.

You're full of stories today.

I remember a few years ago, we were, like, looking at. Just selling everything and. And converting a bus and just traveling around.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

That.

[Danielle Busby]

That was not literal. That was.

I was literal about it. Just living on a big, like, tour bus that we converted into a house and going from national park to national park.

And, I mean, it's fun. I do it for a season, but.

It looked like a lot of fun.

No matter what, I still need, like, a homestead. Like, I need a place to, like, plant.

Go back to.

Yeah, go back to. But. So, yeah, so today's. We're gonna roll into some topics of, like, friendship, adulting, and having, you know, being adults and friends. I feel like it's a common struggle amongst adults whether you grew up with, like, a solid group of friends or you've had to relocate as an adult because, like, job placement or whatnot. And you're just having to find who are my friends and are they really. My friends did a really good study a couple years ago. Jenny Allen has, like, a good study about friendship. And there's a. The book. It's called. There's a book called wow. It just had, like, a amazing brain fog. But it's. I'll be there, but I'll be wearing sweatpants. So that's the book. Go find it. And I feel like it does not matter if you have amazing friends. You don't have friends. You're longing for friends. Like, I think every woman, woman specifically, should read that book. And they also have a book, something I think at the kid one, the teen one, is about, like, I'll be there, and we'll be making, like, friendship bracelets or something like that. But it is just.

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[Danielle Busby]

So good. So good. But speaking of that, we're going to talk about like, just differences of friendships and how to find like real quality friends. I mean, we're in our 40s, we're at midlife, and both of us, I would say friendships have changed from who we grew up with to before we were parents, to friends with parents, to being married for like, you know, almost 20 years and kids are getting older. And so what does that look like with friendships? So that's what I'm talking about, friendships.

Let's talk about it.

Finding and keeping friends. So I think because now if I set the tone of like, we're in our 40s, like we're gonna kind of talk about that there, like friendship in your 40s. Friendship with people who aren't married people. Friendships with people who are single or like minded. Are you have friends because it's just your kids, parents, your kids, friends, parents. So like, there's this whole bubble of like, who are your friends? Like, who are, who really are your friends? And I think to answer that question, I would say my real friends are the friends that I feel like I could call any time of the day, any time of the night.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And they'd answer.

And they'd answer, drop whatever they were doing.

Well, if you're calling them in the middle of the night, they're probably sleeping, but they would still jump.

Would they pick up the phone because it's that time of the hour? Or would they say, oh, I'll call it, I'll pick it up in the morning or something like that? You know, for, for me as a woman, I need friendship as a replenishment to my soul. Someone in a group of women that I can do life with that constantly Want to make me better, encourage me, fill me with.

I mean, I don't think that that's just a woman thing.

Yeah. But what I was going to say is that that's part of what me specifically, I need as my own specific, like, who I am. I need to have girl time to replenish my stresses and kind of like last week we got on a tangent about talking about, like, the bathtub and my time and your time and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Let's not get back on that.

Friendship, to me, is another one of my avenues of what replenishes me. I need girl time to remember that I'm a friend and I can be funny, and I just want to go get my nails done. Like things that I can't specifically do or say or whatever with my husband. I need that time weekly with my friends. And I say that as a woman because I don't think that you feel like you need that.

I don't feel like I need it as much. But also when it goes back to, like, just feeling like. I don't know if it's just because of my specific situation, because of what I do and primarily work from home and stuff like that, I feel like everything that needs to be done. There's, like, almost not enough time in the day, and I'm, like, constantly working on something or I constantly need to be working on something or whatever. And so a lot of times friendships kind of get put on the back burner because, like, oh, I'm not going to stop in the middle of the day and go have lunch because then that's going to be four hours. And then I'm not going to get that time back because then I got to make that time up whenever. In the evening, whenever I either need to be cooking dinner or whatever, and. And that all just kind of goes away. And so, I mean, with me, it's just. It's just harder. Like today, I mean, it feels weird having the kids in the house because, I mean, work doesn't stop. Like, you just think whenever kids are at home, like, you need to kind of see what they're doing and kind of tend and feel like you need to interact or whatever with them. But then work doesn't stop. And so, like, it just feels weird whenever kids are at home, family's at home, and then you're, like, locked in your office. But I mean. I mean, that's my.

I don't lock you in there.

That's like my. My job. I mean, like, I still.

Like today I still have Work to do.

Yeah, I was working on projects all, all day.

On a tangent.

I'm not really going on a tangent. I'm just going on like, this is life, my situation.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

It's.

[Danielle Busby]

It's just a little different.

But we're talking about friendship.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

I know.

[Danielle Busby]

And that directly involves friendship. That's why I don't get that time as much.

Okay. My stomach is growling. But to the question of you don't feel like you need it. I know that it's one of my de stressors is girl time. Wakey, wakey.

I'm just listening.

I'm like, so for you, as in. So what you were going on to was talking about you don't allot yourself time for that. Because in, because you, as the man in the relationship says, I have to work, I don't have time to set apart from that during my work day because if I do, then I'm going to have to pick up work when I'm at home. But then you don't make time for it in the evenings because then you say, I will be taking time away from the family.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

So it's a circle. And this is what I'm saying. You have to.

And I mean, obviously this day and age, things are changed a little bit. But even still, I mean, for the most part, the men's. The man's role is like to provide. So like, most of. And most of my friends, they work most of the day. So like, I don't really have that in the middle of the day. And so it's just, it's more difficult. Like a lot of your friends, they. They are a little bit more lenient on being able to like get away during the middle of the day and like go do something or have a Bible study or something like that. Like, those are, these are, those are like women's things to do. Those are like women's organized things to do.

Like, but that's not a statement, babe.

Men generally do not. Are not able to do that.

But that's. I feel like we might get a little heated right now, but that it is a false statement and that's a lie. Because men can. It's called making time for it. You're going to eat some lunch today. You're going to like, like, it's a quick. Like, it's all about like, men do Bible studies. Men have groups together. It's about allotting that time to do it once a week. Or it's not. As you don't have to carry the weight of like every Day I have to set time apart. It's. No, it's just, it is very. To me, I tell myself I need it once, I need time once a week. Maybe I'm able to, you know, have moms in pickleball and prayer time or have coffee. But I'm also making time for that in a. In adjusting.

Because if I tried to, if I tried to schedule one of those things, I would get 99% no's because I'm at work at that time.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yep.

[Danielle Busby]

You're saying if you were to say that to other men.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

Okay, well then if that time doesn't work, then you have to be like, let's try an evening one time or lunch. Like, you have to. It has to be things that are planned. That's the whole thing is that like in our household, like, I plan these things. If you want me to start planning some, like, guide times for you, if you want it, I will totally do it. But anyway, I don't know why we're going off on that, but I think it is very different that, you know, I consider and say, like, women are better at finding women time than men are finding men time. Because in your instance, you're saying, because the man has the headset of provide, so I must work. But there also is a super big value of making time. Just like you have to make time for your wife, just like you have to make time for your kids, making time for a man. Friendship guy time is also important.

And you know, it's a little bit more methodical.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And planned out for sure.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And I don't think that men allow themselves to make. Think that that's important.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

We just can't have a Tuesday mid morning pickleball. It just doesn't work. Nobody will come. That's true.

Then do it on Saturday because you wouldn't pick Tuesday anyway.

So, I mean, I, I'm just kind of playing like husband's advocate here. Because it's not as easy. It's not as easy.

You just have to.

That's why, that's why you hear that a lot of times from like wives or whatever. It's like, yeah, my husband has a hard time like finding like a close friend or something like that because it's not as easy for a man because there's so many other responsibilities for a man. And yes, and I'll say it again, because I'm gonna get a lot of hate, like, oh, women work too, blah, blah, blah.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And I was gonna, I was about to say that I have A, like if you take friend Nicole, she is a teacher, she can't have the means.

But I look at like my circle of friends and like, I mean they all work during the week, work all day during the week, and that's whenever they have to work. And then as you show usually nights and weekends, that's family time. And so it's harder. And so yeah, you do hear a lot of that from wives. Oh, my husband.

I know. But I think us women and wives need to allow that. Allow that once a week separation or maybe it's twice a month, like where it is. As long as it is a pre scheduled thing, then the wife needs to be able to say like, yes, you can have that. And I'm not talking like we're going to the bar hopping and all those. It's. It's not hanging out like that. It's. It is like quality friends. But men are going to go like have a drink or play golf or whatever like on Saturday. And it's just, you got to find a balance between one, your, your intimate family to be able to allow yourself to have me as a wife. A mom who has her own schedule and can plan that. Like, I can do these things while kids are at school and you're at work. It is, I can make time for that even though I do work. But I also know that I need that. So in a situation where I look at, you know, I look at Nicole, she's like, works all day teacher and you can't do, she can't be involved with the things that we do during the day. So we have to make a priority monthly or try as best we can to do something in the evening, which goes to your point, takes away from family time. But as long as you can communicate this with your spouse and be like, hey, put this on the calendar. I'm going to have girl time in the evenings on this day because these friends can't come. Like, that's okay.

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[Adam Busby]

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[Danielle Busby]

Women need to let their husbands do the same. Yeah, just like husbands need to let their wives do the same if it's gonna fall in an evening, you know, so it's not about you get to do this, you get to do that, or you're always doing that, and you're always doing that. It's about how do we allow each other to have that space.

But I do get that a lot from husbands.

Yeah.

That, like, you'll try to plan something or you'll do something. And it's always, like, last minute. Oh, but like, my wife's had a hard time with the kids. Blah, blah, blah. And like, they're. They're almost, like, hit with guilt for leaving.

Yeah. And I think we both could relate to that.

And that's always, like, a letdown because, like, you have this thing planned and then like, right at the last second because the wife's having a bad day or the kids are and now they can't do it.

It's just that is. That is a very.

It's very hard a lot.

But that's where I'm saying we have to be more firm in. When we book something, we must attend, like, consistency. We talk about this in small group. Consistency matters. So if you say you're gonna go and have something in one evening, but you had a horrible day, the kids were bad, you need your husband home to help. Whatever. We just need to suck it up and say, I know, I still want you to go. Kids are gonna get to bed. You. You still go. I know it's a bad day. Maybe you had a bad day at work and you don't wanna come home to these kids being like this. Well, it's like we just need to say consistent. Consistent with our bookings. And I know, like, our days. We are. We plan our days. And 99% of the day, something's going to happen and change, but we've got to do our best to stay consistent for the family. For the family. Because you are going to be a better person if you go and get encouraged and lifted and prayed for with your men's group.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

Or men quality time. Same with me. So I know it's. I know a lot of people might not understand this, but if you can make sure that you're consistent with what you planned, then that is where fruit will be, like, grown. Even if it was a hard day.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

We've both had those. We can speak a lot on. Today sucked. And I need you here. But you gotta. You gotta look at it from the other side, too. And that's kind of the point I'm getting at.

Is that or Maybe it's just because a lot of my friends under the bus because they don't make that a priority, because I feel like they.

Yeah, so that's why.

Last minute, constantly.

Yeah, but that's where I want to.

Speak to the wise. I'll look forward to that for, like, a week. And like, oh, yeah, this day we're like, guys are getting together and all of a sudden it just falls apart within a few hours before it starts.

And so that's where I speak to.

Usually because the wife is, like, complaining about something, and they're like, so the wife. I feel.

I feel bad and let them go.

Because, like, she's complaining because the kids are unruly today or blah, blah, blah. And they always.

And that's a fair. It's a fair thing. It's a fair thing. But that's where I want to say to the wives, don't put that. Don't put that guilt on your husband because you, too, will have a day where you were meant to go out with your friends, and he will say the same thing, and you are going to have to cancel. No, we got to give each other the grace and the space to have that time because we know it's hard to come by. We are growing people who are growing up, and friendships get harder and harder. And when you find. And we'll talk about how to find. When you find a solid group of friends that can encourage you, be there for you in good times and bad times, you can have fun with, and your spouse agrees with the quality of those people, then you've got to let them have the space to grow those friendships.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

I mean, I don't think, like, in our relationship, like, we have that problem. It's just a lot of the guys. A lot of the guys. No, I'm talking about, like, if. If there's something scheduled or whatever, like, no matter, like, how the kids are that day, you'll let me leave?

Yeah, well, it's been something. We've.

It may be hard. You know, that's a. That should be a priority. And you'll still, like, let, like, hold me to that. But then it's usually on my end, they get a lot of guilt and they just will buckle and just stay home and.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

So.

Well, okay, wives listen to that, but also to listen. Husbands listen to that because the wives do need space. There's that stigma of, I work all day as the. As the husband, as the dad, and you're at home with the kids and you get to do whatever you want. No, it is hard working all day as a woman, as a mom. It's hard being a stay at home mom. Like, no matter what your day of work and whatever your day is filled with, we all need a breath. We all need a set of okay, me and you. Like, it is okay. No matter what your workday was. No matter what your work day was, no matter how hard your day was.

Like, we're lecturing.

I am. Because I feel like so many relationships need to know this and need to hear it. They do, they need it.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

I mean, this is something that like husbands and wives definitely need to work on as just allowing your spouse to prioritize friendships if they do have something scheduled. Like allowing them that freedom to be able to get away and not guilt them into not doing it or not following through. And. Yeah, and because, I mean, it's something that I see a lot like, just like I said, I mean, we'll, we'll have something scheduled and it always ends up falling apart within a few hours. And I'm usually like, me or one other person is usually the only, like, still in. And then it's just like, well, what's the point now? Because 70% of this group isn't coming now. And it's just. So we're like, we'll reschedule.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah. But yeah. Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

So it just makes it hard, you know, for. So yeah, I think it's just something that husbands and wives definitely need to work on together and just like allowing each other to have that and make it a priority for sure.

So when we talk about friendship and we're talking about like going and hanging out with the people, I'm talking about a friendship that is a good friendship. Not just people that will speak life. Yeah. So what is good friendship? What is a, what does a real friendship look like to you? Yeah, and that is a real friendship is someone who is going to call you back and point you back to.

Jesus, ask you those harder questions, stuff that make you. Most guys don't really want to talk about, you know, like, okay, how are you doing? Like, what's going on at home? You know, is there anything that like, you need to just get off your chest and stuff like that. Because a lot of guys will just not talk about it. We'll just say, oh, you know, what's up? What's going on? How was your day?

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Oh, it's good.

[Danielle Busby]

And then just like kind of talk about sports or, you know, whatever, and just keep it very surface level. But, you know, just asking those harder questions, asking Those more thought provoking questions whenever you're there and really, you know, openly and genuinely care about like, man, like, how are you doing?

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And, and it's genuine.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And I mean, a real friendship doesn't, doesn't mean how many friends do I have? It doesn't mean a number. It means what is the depthness of the friendship? How true, how real, how, how, how authentic is that person? Because depthness trumps so quality over quantity, right? Yeah. So having I could have the greatest true friendship and I have a bubble of, you know, maybe like three to four, maybe five people that I would say is like those people, the solid friendship that point you back to Jesus, will call you out, will tell you, no, will not. You know, it's those type of friendships that are very hard to come across. But you gotta, you gotta allow yourself to ask the question to someone, the hard question of, like me, but how do you really, how are you feeling? What, can I pray for you or.

Not just like affirm your frustrations.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

Affirm.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

You know, you don't want someone that's just always just gonna like agree with you about everything. You know, they're gonna ask you those questions, well, why do you feel that way? Or why are you upset? You know, maybe you had an argument with your husband and they actually want to hear about it because, I mean, you may be wrong, you know, and they're going to call you out on it or, or give you a different perspective than what something you may have missed.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And we have a lot of friends like that, you know, as couples or whatever, where it's funny because you and the husband may be more, may have the same personality traits. And then it may be like me and the other wife may have those same personality traits. So it's funny because like you can, whenever you're speaking with that, you know, that friend, you know, you're having a conversation with the wife or I'm having a conversation with the husband, like you can kind of give the other perspective because like, oh, well, I'm more like the spouse and.

But I can give you a response based around a woman's perspective, but would probably connect more with how your husband is receiving this struggle or whatever and.

His personality, you may understand like where they're coming from a little bit more and give a little bit more insight and personality into their personality and what they may be feeling. I mean, if you, if you find a friend that's just constantly, just affirming how you feel constantly and just agreeing with everything may not Be a great friend, you know.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

So yeah.

And I mean there's, there's different levels of friendship, I think different mixes of friendships. You know, you are going to have maybe friends that you grew up with and, or friends that are just, you're connected via family wise or friends that are, you know, parents of other, of kids that your friends are kids with and there's a level of friendship. So there's, we can be friends with, with anybody. Right. But walking life with a true friend is going to bring joy and understanding and peace in your life unlike any other friendship. Right. So how to find that friend? You're going to find that friend and you're going to be able to keep that friendship. And if that friendship is solid with the foundation of like we both love Jesus, I'm telling you, you're going to see friendship of a different level. And you know, it's takes, it takes courage to really get to that step in a friendship, especially as an adult. Like if you're someone who's moved into a different city and you don't know anybody, you're like, here I am trying to make friends again in my 40s and that sucks, you know, but you're gonna have to put yourself out there. You're gonna have to get yourself involved, put yourself in a community, maybe start, you know, if you've got kids, start trying to connect with other, you know, parents in PTA or swim team or baseball and. But it's gonna take you being more than the parent of your kid. Yeah, right. To be that friend.

You're gonna have to let your kid be your identity.

Yeah. You're gonna have to talk and ask about like, so do you go to church? Do you, you know, have like real debt conversations? Be vulnerable because that's what's going to connect you more, you know, Also want to kind of throw out there that there are, there can be unhealthy friendships and so be aware of those if people make you uncomfortable, if you feel like you're getting spoken about, unhealthy or talked about behind your back, like, do not accept that. Allow boundaries to come into play to where you are okay not being involved in those situations. You're okay to speak up for yourself and go one to one if you're being talked about behind your back. I mean, this still happens, not just with teens or kids, this happens as adults too. And so don't stand for nothing less than what you would want for your own kids, you know, so boundaries are okay. Boundaries are okay.

Actually we were having Just me and a group of guys were talking a few weeks ago, and I think it was actually Ben that brought this up. It was, you know, because you. You get in, you know, you have these friends that constantly want to complain or constantly just have something going on that's just like, oh, like the ones.

Like, they get around you and you're like, oh, Lord, it's all we're going to hear about.

And so he said he put some. Ben was talking about how he put something in place where if that, that one person just keeps coming and it's just like every time you talk to him, it's just like something negative or something wrong's going on or blah, blah, blah. And it's never like looking at the bright side of it, never, you know, you know, looking a bit, a little bit more deeper. It's just I always. In the negative, you know, he would. He's like, I'm just gonna stop him right there and say, okay, let's. Let's just pray about that. Like, stop them in, in their tracks and like, let's just pray about that. Let me pray for you for that. And then just end it. It's almost like retraining that person.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

I mean, you don't wanna. It's hard. It's hard to be around somebody like that that's just constantly. I mean, yeah, you're gonna have friends that go through seasons where, you know, they're in a rough time, but even, you know, in the. Not a tough season, they just look to the negative on everything. Those are just hard people to be around. And so you just try to find people that are, like, fighting for joy and, and looking for, you know, the meaning behind something and looking for the positivity in things and, and, and seeing around that not. It's not just focusing on the negative because those people will just bring you down.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

So boundaries are okay. Speaking up for yourself is okay. If there is unsettling, unsettling word, you're.

Gonna make up more.

I'm about to make up a word.

Danielle thinking about homeschooling. She's just constantly making up words.

Hello to the full.

With a house of girls that just make up stuff. That's why we co op.

That's hilarious. But boundaries are okay and boundaries are healthy. Across the board. Across the board. So anyways, I hope that some of you can resonate and feel encouraged by some of these things that we've said. If you're feeling lonely, I want to tell you that right now, when you stop listening to this. I want you to pray for God to bring the right people into your life. Because it is a prayer that I've prayed. It's a prayer that we've prayed for our friendships within our family and our, you know, marital friendships. And I believe that God will put people in your life that will be meant to be there in the time.

Needed for such a time as this.

Yes. Such a time as this and such. So thanks for listening. I glad y' all joined us today. And I just hope that y' all have fun listening to our rambling made up words and in insight that we have.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

Hope y' all got some positivity out of that. Not just me ranting about other dads that don't make things a priority.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

So keep it real.

Yeah. Make. Make your friendship a priority.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Danielle Busby]

And. And find those times because everybody needs it. Husbands needs it. Wives need it.

So next week when we come on here, I'm going to ask you, what did you do for your friendships this week? So I'm testing all y'.

[Testimonial Speaker 2]

All.

[Danielle Busby]

All y', all. All y'. All. But I'm gonna make sure that you do it, too. You don't just say it. You have to do it. So you have a week. And I'm gonna ask you.

We should challenge you guys to.

That's what I just said. We're gonna challenge them to me.

I think everybody needs to be challenged with this.

Find. Find a time for the week and you're going to do something with a friend. Whether it's coffee, lunch, dinner, glass of wine, having a family over to eat at your house, you are going to do something intentional with a friend.

So sounds good.

You and you and you and you and you.

All right, so thank you guys for listening to episode three, 35 More Than Reality podcast.

Peace out.

We'll see you in the next one. We love you guys.