← More Than Reality with Adam and Danielle
More Than Reality with Adam and Danielle
EP 78 - What Invisible Illness Does to Marriage, Motherhood & the Mental Load
00:57:04
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A
We gather here tonight to bring women back to their rightful place. The Testaments, a new Hulu Original series from the executive producers of the Handmaid's Tale. It's easier to accept a story than believe that the people around you are monsters. The battle isn't over.
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B
There comes a time when you have to take action, when you have to
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A
choose your own destiny.
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C
Never quite as it seems.
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A
What's the new Hulu Original Series? The Testaments, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.
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B
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C
This episode today might get me in a little bit of trouble.
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A
Last week's episode was pretty long and it was filled with a lot of information. And I mentioned this week we would talk about kind of, like, the mental load that you don't necessarily see. What autoimmune and, like, health issues, hormones, like thyroid, all of that, like, how it impacts your life, your mental state, and, you know, even down to, like, your parenting, your marriage, and everybody around you for sure. This is More than Reality podcast where we dive into all things faith, family, and marriage and share that there is so much more than the reality that you see on the surface. Welcome to More Than Reality with Adam and Danielle Busby. Hello. Hello. We are back. More Than Reality podcast. This is Danielle and Adam Boothby.
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C
And this is episode. Episode 77.
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A
Did you just have to look?
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C
Yeah, I was just. I was almost positive. But this episode today might get me in a little bit of trouble.
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A
So honestly, same. But we're gonna talk about something that we've walked through that hasn't really been that easy.
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C
We're just gonna jump right into it, huh?
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A
It's probably gonna be a long episode.
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C
We're not gonna give, like, a little update of, like, where we've been the past few days.
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A
Yeah, let's do that. Next episode.
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C
Next episode.
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A
Yeah.
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C
Okay, this one. Never mind. Scratch that.
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A
Yeah. Last week's episode was pretty long and it was filled with a lot of information. And I mentioned this week we would talk about kind of like the mental load that you don't necessarily see what autoimmune and like health issues, hormones, like thyroid, all of that, like how it impacts your life, your mental state and you know, even down to like your parenting, your marriage and everybody around you for sure.
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C
Honestly, I was actually pretty blown away by how last week's episode resonated with so many people. Yeah, same. I mean it was probably one of our highest viewed podcast in quite some time.
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A
Well, I'm saying I think a lot of, a lot of women and yeah,
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C
so many like positive comments, but also just people that like understood what you're going through and are going through it themselves and like it was extremely eye opening for me. Like it's crazy how many people out there are dealing with autoimmune issues.
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A
Yeah, they really are. And I mean a lot of it too comes down to, you know, a lot of, there could be a lot of, you know, factors out there of like what you are specifically struggling with. But I think when it comes to, as we get older in women, we just, as our hormones change, our bodies start to take an effect differently on all the things. And you know, I'm going to talk a little bit about that today, like the mental load of like what, what it does to you as the woman, but also kind of get some insight too as Adam is the other side of the party that has to try to understand what we don't understand. So you know, there's things like brain fog, mood swings, fatigue, just feeling unlike yourself, lots of pain that like, if
- [04:30]
C
you're, if you don't struggle with that, it's really hard to understand and it's really hard to as a spouse, as a companion, as a life partner, if you will. I mean it's really hard to like fully wrap your mind around like what's really going on on the day to day. And because autoimmune stuff, it's just like you never know when it's gonna hit. It's like a ticking time bomb and you could be perfectly fine one day. And that's what, that's what would irritate me so much about like a lot of comments because there's so many people that just don't understand it because they're like, oh well, like how convenient of you to like now like you, you know, you can't get out of bed today, but you're perfectly fine and you're perfectly fine on that trip you were just on. And, but I mean for one thing like Instagram and social media, like you're not. We're not gonna show, you know, if we were on a trip or something like that, we're not gonna show like, the day that Danielle may have, like, had a horrible headache or a migraine and. Or was, you know, had inflammation one day and just like, wasn't filling up to, like, getting up early and doing stuff. And like, we're not really going to show that. We're going to show like, the. The fun things that we did. And. Yeah, there may have been like a day or a half a day or something like that where Danielle was struggling or. And you don't. I mean, because, like, why would we show that or why would we want, like, why would we want to capture that memory and share that memory? But, you know, but it was just. It's just a lot of people that don't quite understand that. And honestly, it's still. It's still hard for me to grasp and understand like, you know, like, moments whenever, like, oh, you're perfectly fine last night. And then today it's just like, like you got hit by a truck and you can't get out of bed and that. That's like. But our, you know, our world doesn't stop spinning. And. And that's what's so hard is like, our house is so busy. There's so many kids. There's so many kids that get out. Out the door for school. And then all of a sudden it's like, you never know whenever, you know, mom's gonna be feeling bad, and no matter what I have going on that day, it's like, oh, crap, like, I gotta stop and buckle down and, you know, get the kids out the door or whatever is going on.
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A
This is a great intro to one of the hardest mental comments about this is. Is the unknowing timestamp of when something is going to affect you. But therefore, the amount of guilt.
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C
Yeah.
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A
And resentment we feel as the one suffering because you can't. So we feel guilty, you know. Well, let me back up. There's a lot of times that no one will know except me. When I feel a certain way. I don't always express it because we still have to just do. And that's just, I think, part of our nature. There's times where we probably shouldn't continuously do, do, do, do, because then we get to the point where we are like, just, like, inadequate and just can't get out of bed and stuff. But there's been a lot of, like, better steps in health journey things that have, you know, made things improve. Where Maybe things don't last as long or whatnot. But one of the hardest things about walking with autoimmune issue alongside with my hormone imbalance, my thyroid inflammation, arthritis, fibromyalgia. I mean I could go on with all the things that go listen last episode. But that's the hardest part about it is that not letting it get to your mental state because once you start getting in your own head, you therefore are, are deteriorating faster in your going down and you know, down and down and down. And what we need most is just someone to one just listen or take over.
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C
I've been really thinking about this. Moms really are the ones who create the comfort that makes a house feel like home.
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A
Yeah. And most of the time it's in all the moments no one really sees. From the second I wake up to the moment I finally slow down right at night, it's just constant.
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C
Which is why I love this idea for Mother's Day. Instead of just saying thank you, actually giving comfort back.
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A
And that's why Cozy Earth does so well. Their robes are incredibly soft, super comfortable and just easy to live in, whether I'm getting ready in the morning or finally winding down at night.
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C
And the slippers, I've seen it firsthand. The second those go on, it's like a full exhale. They're soft, supportive and honestly just make being at home feel better.
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A
It really is those small things that make a big difference. Cozy Earth just feels thoughtful in every
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detail and you can try it risk free with their 100 night sleep trial and a 10 year warranty.
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So this Mother's Day, give her something that actually cares for her. Go to cozier.com and use our code more than for 20% off. And if you see the post purchase survey, let them know that you heard about Cozy Earth right here on More than Reality.
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C
Because home starts with do it with
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A
a lot of grace and give ourselves. We have to learn to give ourselves grace. But that guilt that we carry, like as a mom and as a wife or whoever you are, that's struggling with this, you have some level of guilt because you are feeling like you can't do. And that is extremely, extremely detrimental. Like it's, it's, that's probably the hardest part about it. And there's so many times, especially as a mom that you don't want to miss out or that you want to be doing certain things and you physically can't do it. Like I remember times where I'm like, I like physically cannot go up the stairs. Like I can't do it. Like I have no energy, no strength, like I get dizzy. Like you're like, what was. What's wrong with me? Like you can't explain at times where when it was really bad and these flare ups come and you just don't know how to express it. So then you worry. You are also in your own head saying, wow, this is off. But how do I explain what's wrong with me? Because I look fine. I look fine but I'm not right.
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C
And it's, it's hard also like, like I don't like hearing, you know, like even comments from the kids and stuff. It's like, you know, like, especially whenever it comes to bedtime, like you may on a day that you're like feeling down or just not great, you know, you may expend most of your energy just like at dinner time, like, just like getting us to the table or whatever's going on. But then like whenever it's time for like baths and like picking clothes out and stuff like that, which our girls are great at now where they can just like go do it, which is awesome. But whenever it comes to bedtime, they still like mom and dad to like come and say goodnight and tuck them in and stuff like that and spend some time with them, you know, before it's lights out. And you know, there's a lot of nights where Danielle just can't make it upstairs and. And you know, it's just those comments of like, is mom gonna come today? And like I hate that for Danielle and. Because they just don't understand. Yeah, they.
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A
Well and there's times where I'm like every single one of the girls is very different when it comes to bedtime routine as far as like this one wants to be hugged and kissed last in the room and she wants to be first and she wants extra longer time and she wants you to come back and give her another hug. And like so they're all different. But there are times, you know, I never not want them to go to bed not knowing that I love them. And like I want to do that every day since they've been little. I've always loved that, that moment. But there are some times where I'm just like, hey, I need y' all to like just come downstairs and like tell me. But there's something that they love about. It's just that last thing right before bed. And it is, it's hard that like
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C
there's just become like a routine or a ritual like every night. That's just what yeah, we've always done. But then now, like, as you've kind of progressed into like this season, as you're trying to figure everything out, like, you just have bad days and you know, they just don't quite understand it all the time and they, or they don't quite see it all the time. And Danielle's really good about just powering through. But yeah, whenever it comes to like, okay, like I just, I can't get up the stairs or, you know, whatever's going on, it's just, they don't get that, they don't understand that. And, and so it's just hard, you know, whenever I'm up there and they're like, is mom gonna come?
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A
So how do you as, how do you as dad in this and the husband fulfill that for the kids when I cannot come up the stairs?
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C
Like a lot of the times I'm just like, no, mommy's not gonna make it tonight. And you know, and, or I'll even let them like, okay, if you want to like, tell mom good night, like go down and see her or whatever, I'll give them one last chance to go back down. Usually they find five other things to do while they're downstairs and that annoys me. But. You know, I mean, obviously nighttime routine, even still with 10 year olds is like stressful and like a lot because they always, right at bedtime, they always think of about 15 things that they need to do before it's bedtime or
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A
after they get in bed.
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C
Yeah. Or after they get to bed. Like you put them in their bed and then all of a sudden you go to one room, like you tell all these good night and then you go to the next room and as you're walking back through, you realize the door's open and now they're not in their beds because they think, they think about five other things that they need to do.
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A
Yeah.
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C
And, and so that's just like, obviously, I'm sure a lot of parents go through that. That's just a frustration of parents in general. Yeah. But you know, the thing of like, you know, if mom can't make it up or whatever, it's just, you know, giving them that grace of like, okay, yeah, go down and tell mom good night because she's not going to make it tonight. And, and I think, you know, by now they're kind of used to like that, like if it's a bad night, like, okay, go, go say goodnight to mom. Or Mom's already in the bathtub, like soaking because she needs to so that's just one of those things. It's just. And you never really know when it's going to happen. Yeah. And maybe a third of the nights during the week, you know, maybe.
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A
Yeah. But it's just like. It's hard even, like, hearing you talk about that on that side because, like, it already puts, like, a weight on me. Like, I can't stand that, you know, like, why do. Why does it have to be.
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C
I think that this is, like, the first time I've ever even told you, like, in, like, Vocalize that. That the girls, like, say stuff like that.
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A
Well, and they'll come to me.
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C
It's just because it's an episode that we're talking about this. So, like, this is the reality. This is what goes on, you know?
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A
Yeah. Well, they come to me sometimes and they'll say, are you going to be able to come upstairs today? I mean, there's days that I might go a couple days in a row and haven't even walked upstairs.
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C
Yeah. And then Riley, I mean, Riley's super observant, and she always has, like, very pointed criticism about. Sure she does. And so, you know, Riley will pick up on it probably quicker than the other girls typically do. And then, you know, Riley will make comments like, mom's always sick. And we're just like, yeah. I mean, that's just. But something that Mom's going through right now, like, that's just a part of life right now.
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A
Yeah. And I think that you, as dad has to, you know, when it comes. When it comes down to, it's not a game and it's not a competition. Even in this scenario at nighttime, who did it better or, you know, if I can't, you can. And vice versa. You have to remember that you're a team regardless. And you need to pick the other one up during those times in front of the kids. So that's kind of what I was getting at was that if I can't make it upstairs and they have to come tell me downstairs, you know, good night, or make it to the. I go to the bottom of the stairs. Or if they're up there and they're asking Adam questions like, why isn't mommy doing this or that? Whatever. Like, you, as the other party, needs to be bringing the other spouse up and just saying positive things. Your mommy loves you. Like, always reinstating those things, because it's not about that to the kids. You have to make sure that they know Mommy loves you. She's hurting right now. She has a lot of pain like, whatever, whatever's going on. This takes communication, this takes conversations, this takes grace, this takes supporting each other in these ups and downs, seasons and days of whatever. Yeah. You know, so that was something that I was going to hit on a little bit later in the podcast, but since it's brought up, like, it's a good reminder to tell you, you know, if your other significant other is going through that and you do have kids together and you experience something like this. What I, what I need at those times is for my husband to be telling the girls how much I love them. And it's not about me not loving them because I didn't make it up the stairs, you know, and so it's not their fault. It's not anything. Just remind them, like, mommy loves you so much. Like, she, she is hurting. She can't really walk up the stairs. It affects her knees and her back and yadda yadda, yaddy. But if you want to go back downstairs and tell her goodnight one more time, you can. You could be drinking water all day and still be dehydrated. And that's actually something my doctor explained to me. She told me that without electrolytes, your body cannot properly absorb the water you're drinking. And that really changed how I think about hydration, which makes sense, but I
- [20:13]
C
don't think most people realize that.
- [20:16]
A
No, I didn't either. And as part of my nutrition plan, she actually recommended adding electrolytes. And that's when I started using Cure.
- [20:24]
C
And you didn't just pick anything?
- [20:26]
A
No, I'm really careful about ingredients. Cure's plant based, has no added sugars and no artificial ingredients, and it's only about 25 calories. And what really stood out to me was that it's formulated using the same science behind IV hydration therapy. So it's not just water. Your body absorbs it.
- [20:45]
C
Which is kind of the whole point.
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A
Exactly. I've been using it first thing in the morning, before coffee and also after workouts. And I've noticed a difference in the energy and how I feel throughout the day.
- [20:58]
C
And it actually tastes good.
- [21:00]
A
It really does. I love the watermelon and the lemonade and the stick packs make it so easy. I keep them in my bag so I don't forget. Staying hydrated isn't about drinking more water. It's about your body actually using it. That's what cure does. Clean ingredients, real science, and it actually tastes good. Use code more than for 20% off@cure hydration.com or find it on Amazon.
- [21:24]
C
Real ingredients, real Hydration. Thank you, Cure for sponsoring this episode. And I mean, honestly, like, especially, like, early on. And I mean, it. Inevitably it all. It always pops up because, I mean, people have good days and bad days and depending on how stressful the day was or whatever. Like, but especially, like, early on, whenever this was, like, just starting to, like, come on, and you just don't, like, what. What the heck is going on? You know, early on,
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A
I.
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C
It was frustrating and. And it was hard to, like, because, like, yes, it was frustrating, but then you. You're having to kind of, well, in the.
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A
In.
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C
Come to terms with, like, okay, like, I'm. I'm not. I'm not necessarily frustrated at Danielle because she can't do this. Like, I'm frustrated that, like, she's going through this and she can't. And so, like. And I think I voiced that a few times on the show, and it kind of got twisted, and a lot of people were pissed off at me saying, oh, like, why can't you have grace for her? Like, and I'm, like, I'm not saying I'm frustrated at her. I'm saying I'm. I'm frustrated that she's going through this and we're having to deal with this. And I'm frustrated with this situation because it's so. You never know. It's like a. It's like a ticking time bomb. And it's. It is frustrating because, like, as a parent, it's frustrating for you, it's frustrating for me, it's frustrating for the kids because it's just something so different that you can't plan for.
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A
Yeah.
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C
You know, and.
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A
And if I look back at a lot of things that we've gone through, because there has been a lot of improvement within the state of struggle. And I think what we. What we do as humans is see if she doesn't or if he doesn't, then she's just. Or he's just lazy. They're just lazy. I'm going to put it all off on you. And that was probably the hardest, especially in the beginning, because we are a very busy, large family, and it does take us working as a team to accomplish. Accomplish the things that need to get done for the house and for the kids daily. And we're used to that. And so when one party's down, one side of the party's down. You feel the weight of it. And one. Adam would get easily frustrated because now he has to do it alone. But yet I would get easily frustrated and upset because I'm making Him do it alone in a sense, you know. And so there's no. It just was. It was a level of like, unknown friction in a sense, because it just created tension. It created tension. And the hardest part is, is that there. There was this underlying kind of like, resentment of that.
- [24:37]
C
This newfound situation that we're in.
- [24:40]
A
Yeah. And so it's just very hard. Like, even if physically your symptoms are okay that day or whatever, you just never know. I mean, something could have triggered you, some allergen outside, something could have caused you to flare up, maybe something you ate for the first time, like it doesn't matter what. And. And to go on and say that women go through mood swings and that was already typical prior to. And as you get older. And what I'm experiencing now is just an completely imbalance of hormones. I'm psycho every other day, probably, which makes it even more challenging. So I'm probably not a fun person at a lot of the times, but as much as you might think, let me stay away from her, let me not talk to her, let me draw up some distance, that's probably the hardest response to receive because you might be so confused and think, oh, she's mad at me, she's pissed off, whatever. But it's not that at all. It is the fact of I am so struggling, I don't know how to express it. And all I need is love and support. And you just say, what can I do for you? How can I help? Is there anything that you need? That is the response that a woman needs. I would say every situa, every single time they want to come, come at with love and say those things. How can I. How can I show you love? And how can I be loving to you? Even if the weight on me is going to be the task I will therefore have to take on, how can I do for you? And I think that right there is the hardest thing for human nature to humans, just humans in general to do is to put someone else in, above you and above your needs before yourself. And in this specific situation that we're talking about of. Of autoimmune and struggles and mental load, like there are days that you do get off the wagon and all you want is someone to care, but you don't even really realize that you don't real that until time goes on and you're like, man, that's what I needed. That's all I needed. You know, and so it. It as much as.
- [27:20]
C
Or a lot of people probably deal with things differently, you know, you probably deal with Things like, whenever you're not feeling good or hurting or whatever different than I would. And, and so in return, you may. I mean, just like, it goes down to, like, what love languages are. And like, you, you speak a love language of what you want to be received instead of what the other needs. What the other needs. And so, like me, whenever I'm like, just not feeling good or I'm sick or something like that, I just want to be by myself and just like, like, just like kind of block myself away and just rest. And that may not be what you want whenever you're feeling bad. And. But, like, my immediate response is to just give her space and like, like, just let her go off. Like.
- [28:29]
A
Yeah. And I think, I think having missing it, the downtime for that person to heal who's going through the struggles, the. We'll just call it the invisible struggles, is they definitely need the rest. Because when your body shuts down, your body has told you it's overworked, you know, and so a lot of that is you just need to stop. And you have to remind yourself as that person, if something is going on internally, then something I have to. You have to stop, you have to slow down, you have to dig into, like, what is the root cause. And that's kind of been the journey that I've been on, especially the last, like, two years for sure. Is like trying to get to the root cause. Because in the state of go, go, go and busy life and all that and having to still do even with an immense amount of support and help and all the things, I was still crushing inside, I was still crushing inside all the time. All the time. And, you know, it's just hard to understand one thing, you know, as being the outside party of the one struggling. It's hard to understand what that person is going through when they don't know how to understand it. And that was mental. I want to say a bad word, but that was just like a mental, like, load of chaos and just struggle in itself is saying, okay, Lord, like, what is wrong with me? I'm this, I'm that. I'm okay here. I'm this that I'm like. And you just, you're. You're. You feel, you feel crazy in your own head. And so just being able to open up a little bit about all this and having a response back or people texting me and saying, like, my gosh, like, I feel like you're talking about me. And it's so. It's just a place of feeling like, I'm actually not alone. Even though I am alone, in a sense, that's what it feels like, because no one in my house or my bubble or the people around me understand at all. And it has taken a really long time for me to understand how the body works in a way so that I can articulate it. And when your spouse, if you have a spouse and you're walking with this with a spouse, it is just important that you can communicate with each other and not. And it's, it really comes down to just grace. Like, you got to offer grace, because if there's love and grace, then the rest of the things will fall behind it. And if you come with love forward, then things will fall into place. And if you cannot, you know, there's, there's times where your work day, whatever your day was filled with, is stressful and whatnot, but you have to lay those things down. And I mean, this goes in, in line with a lot of things when it comes to marriage and parenting is that when you walk from, you know, your workplace, you got to shut that stuff off at some point and be present with what's happening, what's around. Because without, if you can't support the other one in those needs, then it's only going to drive you further away. And then resentment is going to get stronger and stronger, and then what that's going to cause is the one suffering to therefore continue to strive harder and harder and harder to prove to the other party that you, you. You still can, even though you're fighting within your own self and pushing yourself to struggle even more, which is then going to cause you to crash even harder. Right? And so it's so much of what marriage is like, what parenting is like, but when you're struggling with, with your health and don't know how to explain it, you got to communicate. You got to take time out and say the simple things like, how do you feel today? What can I do for you today? And I don't mean check the box with those things. It's, it's looking at your spouse and, and, and saying it in a way that you care because you don't want the other side to be. You want to be a team. You want to do these things together. You want to be picking each other up at these times, and it's good for your kids to see that too, you know, Excuse me, It's not something that. It's not something that I want to be dealing with every day. Are there more things that I can be doing to better them? Absolutely. But it's also still very hard to maintain. What is like, it's just another level of, like, managing your own self as well as your sixth kid, as well as the household is like, so there's. It's all. It's all a lot. Right? And so all these things, whether you have autoimmune things or not, mental health is. Is something that needs to be talked about, it needs to be shared about, it needs to be conversated about. You know, we've talked in the past couple episodes when Adam went through, like, depression and stuff and, like, what that did and. And how we kind of like, walk through that and in some form of this. When you're going through these things and you don't know how to express it, just like you did when you're like, I don't know, I'm just off, or like, it's okay as long as you can admit it. And you just have to work through those things together. You have to support each other even in the midst of the chaos. And that's why, you know, God's connected us together, is that when you're down, I'm going to be up, and when you're up, I'm going to be down, and. Or when I'm down. Wait, I didn't say that. Right. You know, when one person's down, the other one needs to pick the. The load up. And. And sometimes you're very equal and that everything's content. And then one day it could. One or the other could drop low. And so you gotta just be able to lift each other up. And it's not about competition. It's not about a game in front of the kids. It's about showing love to the other person in the lowest of lows. And I think that is what speaks love, true love, honestly. But something that I. I just feel, out of all the things I've struggled with, the hardest part is, is. Is the response from the one is from. Is from you, Adam is from the spouse. And one thing to anyone listening is that. Is that how can. How can we better let our husband's minds and hearts align when it comes to saying, how do I care for this? How do I do this? And there's no. I don't think I have a perfect answer for that. But what I will say something that, you know, I felt would help me to help Adam understand, but then to help me know that he at least heard this from someone else and someone differently was to just go to the doctor's appointment and, you know, he Likes to call my doctor Witch Doctor, which she's not. She is, like, just amazing and just explains things literally over and over and over again every single six weeks that I'm there. And I still don't understand it all, but it so helpful to reiterate and be like, okay, yes, because that, wow, this is improved. So that's helping this and this. And so I remember it kind of being like a joke between us and like, oh, gotta take Adam to go. Let him hear it from a doctor. Because he can't hear me. He doesn't listen to what I have to say. Yeah.
- [37:19]
C
I mean, because we're so used to, like, okay, whenever you're sick or when you have something going on, you go see a doctor and you get like. Like, you know, a regiment or medication to fix, like, that one thing. And usually, you know, in the age of medicine that we're in, when sickness and stuff, it's usually like, you know, three to five days and, like, you took the medicine and you're doing well, and then. And it's hard. It was hard to come to terms with. No, this is like. This is a long play. And this is like, something like, little by little over so much time. And so it's. It's hard for, like, us, me as a spouse, you know. Yeah, you've been dealing with this for, like, years now, and, you know, you don't see the progress, like, as quickly. And it's just. It's like something like, okay, you know, we're only focusing on this right now, and, like, you just don't see the progress. And it's, like, easy to get frustrated. Like, man, I feel like, like, you've been going to this doctor for so long, and, like, I'm not seeing the progress. But then, you know, for a spouse to go with you and actually, like, hear it from the doctor, see, like, okay, like, actually see the graphs that the doctor pulls up. Like, oh, this is your blood work now. Like, see how.
- [38:39]
A
Where you were.
- [38:40]
C
See now here you are now.
- [38:42]
A
Yeah, it's that invisible.
- [38:43]
C
And to be able to, like, see that my. Okay, like, you know, you actually have, like, an idea in your head of, like, okay, you. You actually are making progress. And just, like, hearing it from the doctor, like, okay, because this is happening, you know, this is the good that it's doing in your body. And now, you know, once we get it up to this, then we can actually implement this new thing and to, like, slowly but surely, like, get you on your way. And, you know, it's just a Completely different way of thinking whenever it comes to medicine and everything that, like, most of us are so, so not used
- [39:24]
A
to, because the whole. The whole Western medicine that we are so accustomed to is Band Aids.
- [39:32]
C
Yeah. You're fixing the symptoms.
- [39:33]
A
You're just fixing.
- [39:34]
C
You're putting Band Aids on all the symptoms.
- [39:36]
A
And so this. I go to a doctor, I'm sick, I get this medicine. Whatever. You're not. You're just.
- [39:43]
C
You're masking the root cause.
- [39:45]
A
Yeah.
- [39:45]
C
Yeah.
- [39:45]
A
And so this has been a very different.
- [39:48]
C
And that's what sucks because, like, the first few doctors that Danielle went to, that's what it was like. She was going to the doctor, and they're like, okay, like, you're experiencing this, and so, like, we're gonna put you on this. And she would feel a little bit better for a little bit. But then, like, sure enough, like, it all just keeps coming back because they weren't attacking the root cause, they're just attacking, like, trying to make her symptoms feel better and alleviate this.
- [40:12]
A
And I think at the time, in the phase of life that we were at, I definitely needed a lot of. I was on steroids all the time. I was on just, like, injections and pain. Like. Like, I was miserable. And until. Until I erased all of this over time out of my body and just kind of really getting down to, like, where the pain lies and what's the issue and how do we work from there? I didn't realize, like. Like, how miserable I was. And, you know, I still wouldn't say that. Like, I'm great, but I have definitely improved. And so there are times, you know, you know, Adam's comment about, I don't. I'm not seeing progress or whatever. Well, those would call hurtful moments or friction because I'm on the other side going to the doctor every six weeks. I can't expect him to come every six weeks with me. And every time I go, I'm like, wow, there's a tiny. This. This. This number went from 12 to 20. Like, that's a huge improvement for me. I've been working all year to get to that number. And then you get on the other side, like, you're still the same. It's like, that is hard because. No, I'm not. Even though I'm still suffering and I might not be, like, you know, 120 pounds and lifting all this weight and who I used to be, I'm never going to be who I used to be, but I want to strive to be the best I can be and it's just. Was super important for me to have Adam go to that. Go to an appointment to say, dude, like, I have failed at trying to explain all the things that I'm taking, what they're supposed to be doing, how depleted my body is, what all this means. It's exhausting. And. And. And to be honest, a lot of times it's in one ear and out the other because he doesn't understand what I'm saying.
- [42:15]
C
Or it's just so hard to, like, you know, it's the telephone game.
- [42:20]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [42:21]
C
Like hearing what the doctor said and then like three, four hours later, whenever I get home from work and we're able to regroup and you're recalling and trying to remember, like, that word that the doctor used for this and, you know, all this kind of stuff, and you're just like.
- [42:37]
A
And you're like. And then I'm like, actually, I don't remember anything she said. Sometimes I'm like, I.
- [42:41]
C
That makes no sense.
- [42:42]
A
It don't. But to the. To the women who. And the wives that are suffering, like, I suffer in. In these. In these levels, to the husbands who might be listening, I just know that the things that I, as a woman and most likely your. Your wife just wants to be loved. She wants to be shown grace. She wants your communication, and she wants time and understanding. She just wants support. She just wants you to support her healing journey, however long that's going to be. And for the rest of my life, I may never not have any of these struggles. And so that is something that we have to accept and we have to say, this is what we need to do. And don't let so much time go by before you're asking your wife, how are you doing? What. What is it that you know? I know I couldn't go to appointment with you, but how did it go? Like, those small things mean little. They might mean little to you because you're like, who cares? Like, I went and did this, you went and did blood work, blah, blah, blah, like, it doesn't matter. But like you just said a while ago, we're accustomed to that quick fix, and this is not a quick fix. If ever, it will be fixed, you know? And so it's just about how to get on a balance and showing grace and support and love, and that takes you caring for her in a way that she needs. So you need to have those conversations with your spouse and saying, what are things that I can do for you? What are things that you need from me when you're Feeling like this, how can I help? And I don't know when the perfect time to do that is for your yourselves listening. Maybe write them down and have a conversation with your husband about that so that he can be aware of it. But a lot of times, if I'm honest, when husbands are at work and they're, they have a different mindset and they're, they're just wired differently than us women. And I tell Adam a lot, like, I get fulfilled when I'm able to have my time with my girlfriends because these are the things that we ask each other and we conversate about and we care about of within each other and it's just, it's very different. A lot of times for a man to think that those are loving things. Right. You know, it's the, it's the, it's the same old thing about the men don't like the details, you know, oh, such and such had a baby. Oh, cool. Was it a boy or girl? I don't know. I think it was a girl. What was the namer? I don't know. How big was she? I don't know. It's those type of things. Like the women care about the details and the man just wants to fix and take care of and, and make sure everything's okay, you know, and sometimes it. They need to not be the fixer and just be the there. Like just be there, you know. So I don't think this is something that you can fix within me, but what you can do is support. Support, love, grace, communication and allow that space when is needed, you know?
- [46:33]
C
Yeah.
- [46:35]
A
So.
- [46:36]
C
Yeah, so I mean, I think that that's like the biggest takeaway, especially if you're like a spouse that is in that supportive role. It's just, yes, we're all gonna have like very frustrating days and very hard days and, but not let that harbor and build like resentment and, and frustration because that's just going to put a wedge and you know, there's. We always say it, you know, we, we believe like in, you know, good and evil and, and the enemy and, you know, that's the enemy wants nothing more than to do to drive a wedge between the husband and spouse and to divide the husband and spouse. They want nothing more than to risk. Rip marriages apart and, and, and have a failed marriage and you know, so just like keep that in mind and like can continue to just like support your spouse. A lot of the times, like, you're not gonna get an answer. You're not gonna get like the fix or what we need to do. But. And all you can do is just like, support and kind of be there if they need to talk or event or anything like that. But it, you know, and it's just a lot of just picking up the slack and, you know, and just do it with grace and do. And trust me, you're. There's going to be days where you're worn down. You had a long day also. But, you know, this is what we do as men. You know, we put our head down and we get to work and, you know, we support our spouses and. And just to not convey any of that resentment or frustration to your children, because that's the last thing that she wants, because she doesn't want to be feeling like this. And so she doesn't, you know, want our spouse putting that on her, to the kids as well. So.
- [48:41]
A
Yeah. In Galatians 6. 2, it says, Carry each other's burdens. And I feel like, you know, given the topic that we're talking about, this is what. This is what we need. I think this is a season that we carry each other, like, and I feel like in our marriages, like, we have to be able to carry each other's one. Each one. We have to be able to carry each other's burdens. And their teaching seasons there can build you stronger. They draw. They can draw you closer to your faith. And, you know, don't ever feel like you're alone, because we're never alone. Like, God is always there for you. If there's no one to talk to, you can just literally talk to God yourself. If you feel like there's no one to talk to. And if you are going through any of the things that, you know, I've been discussing the last couple episodes. You're not crazy. I'm just telling you, you're not crazy and you're not feeling. And you're not alone. So pick your head up, put on a good face, and just strive for joy every day in the midst of the hard. The midst of your struggle, even when you can't get out of bed, I, like, still try to just sit there and, like, do something that would bring joy. And I think when we are so sad or down or miserable or hurt, it's so hard to find joy in those seasons. But finding a little mist of joy every day does something to your heart that keeps you alive. And we have spoke on this before, like, live for joy. And it changes you when you can look at life on a different perspective and be thankful even in the midst of the struggle. Carry each other's burdens, be supportive of, like, the people around you, the ones you love when they're suffering, Carry that with them, support them through that, help them conversate, check on them, love them, give them grace. There's. There's so much that you can do as the other party without even realizing that you're doing, because it might come natural and it might come hard, but that's why we love each other. And we're going to do for each other when we don't want to, when we are tired and when we. Or, you know, exhausted and when we are hurting like we still. We. You too, might be through something similar or season of your life where you're going to want someone to support you and be there for you when you're down and on the ground. And God never said everything was going to be easy, right? But he said, I'll never. I'll never forsake you and I'll never leave you. And so just as that, our marriage is abounding just as it is as a covenant with God. Like, Adam, no matter what you go through, no matter how mad I am at you, how much like, you make me mad or pissed off or upset or whatever, I'm always still going to love you and I still want to support you and be there for you every single path of the way. I might not know how to respond to it, I might not know how to deal with it or what I need to do, but that's why God gave us communication. And we got to, like, show grace. You got to show grace. Show love. And I feel like that just goes. Goes the longest and the furthest way possible.
- [52:11]
C
So it's good.
- [52:12]
A
Yeah. Anyway. Any other, like, last.
- [52:18]
C
I mean, I've kind of wrapped. What?
- [52:20]
A
Yeah, I just. I. I know. I. I think for. I guess, let me throw this in there. Is that you who are on the other, you who are like me and going through autoimmune. Autoimmune physical pains, fibromyalgia, migraines. There are minor things that you can do to better your days. It doesn't mean it'll work every single time, because every day is a different day and every day is a new day. But one thing, like, I was just speaking on finding joy, one thing that keeps me grounded is just like that daily devotional of, like, laying myself down and saying, like, you know, Jesus loves me. God is here for me. He wants me to do better. He wants me to be better. Sorry. He wants me to be better. And Sometimes I feel the strongest when I'm not the strongest mentally, because I've walked my day with God knowing that I started my day, that I'm constantly praying throughout the day that I'm thinking about, you know, this is what he wants me to do. This is how he looks, loved me. He died for me. And this is. This is the least of what I can do for today. My faith is literally what is definitely a motivation in a. In a ground for, like, keep going alongside of family and kids and, you know, the things that we have to take care of, those are. That is life. And if I can't do those things, and when I'm. If I can't feel supported, when I'm unable to. To stay on top of those things, that mentally drags you down even harder. And so, you know, a lot of this episode is just to tell you and your spouse or your friends or whoever's listening is that try the best you can to love without understanding. And that is what love is like. I'm going to love you without understanding what your pain is, what you're suffering, what the medication is, what. What the fix is. Even if there is no fix, I'm going to love you without even understanding. God gave me you. God gave you this family. God gave us each other. And y' all are a priority. We are a priority to each other. And no matter what the day it holds, you need to be there for your family, because that is the priority. Family first.
- [54:51]
C
Yep.
- [54:54]
A
Thanks for listening, guys. And once again, you know, we love feedback, we love comments, we love of messages. And just, like, Adam was kind of, like, amused by the response from last episode and seeing that so many other people resonate with this. This is what helps that response back, is what helps me better explain and better keep going and saying, like, yes, I'm not alone. Because for the longest time, I felt like no one understands me. No one gets it.
- [55:26]
C
You're also, like, going, like, on our pages on, you know, the YouTube comments, you know, just in the comments and just talking about your own issues. Like, you're. You know, there's so many other people that are conveying and. And voicing, like, what they're dealing with, and it just brings, you know, this community together, together of, like, solidarity. And it's been actually really cool to see.
- [55:50]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good.
- [55:52]
C
Good.
- [55:53]
A
So thanks for listening, guys. We love y'. All. And, you know, I want to continue to try to do my best to be vocal about, you know, the healing process and finding ways to do better.
- [56:10]
C
All right, guys, thank you for listening, and we'll see you in the next one.
- [56:13]
A
Thanks, guys.
- [56:13]
C
All right. We love you guys. It.