My guest this episode is dating and relationship coach, Pat Stedman.

This is his second appearance on the show.

I invited him on to talk to me about how married Muslim men can develop their personalities to become more attractive and sexually desirable to their wives.

This was a very organic discussion, where we both bounced ideas off each other and developed each other's arguments.

Show Notes:

[00:05] This episode of the Becoming the Alpha Muslim podcast was brought to you by halal bedroom dot com. For a limited time, buy-one-get-one-free offer on your first order. Click here to buy now.
[02:50] Are millennials and generation Z creating culture or re-creating monoculture? Hipsters in the 5 boroughs in New York are exactly the same as hipsters in Dubai
[04:50] The cultural cognitive dissonance of the West
[06:30] The three pillars of attraction - pre-selection, persona, and personality - can be thought of as marketing, sales, and product
- Pre-selection - social status and physical appearance
- Persona - masculinity and social skills (Game)
- Personality - what do you have to offer as a person
[09:10] Men who have great relationships are strong in at least two and good in one
[10:15] You can also think of the three pillars in evolutionary terms
- environmental factors (pre-selection) - what types of males are attractive in a society
- behavioral factors(persona) - how these males behave with the opposite sex
- psychological factors (personality) - how they maintain the relationships long-term via relationship dynamics
[12:30] Pre-selection and persona will get a man up to closing the deal. Personality is what maintains the relationship.
[13:20] The example of Pick-up Artists. They are very capable of getting a girl's attention in the beginning but have a hard time holding it afterwards.
[17:10] There are two dimensions of personality. Psychological growth and maturity, and chemistry (desire) and compatibility (comfort).
[22:35] The attractiveness of women vs their emotional maturity.
- The younger girls (late teens to early 20s) who men are attracted to are basic bitches.
- The older women (late 20s to early 30s) are the ones bringing more to the relationship than their box.
- The sexual marketplace is so inefficient because there are two marketplaces operating in parallel - the physical and the psychological
[29:00] The similarities between Muslims and Ahlul Kitab - we're all having premarital sex and "oral and anal don't count".
[32:00] Marriage is a massive vehicle for psychological growth.
Couples who get married young and stick together past the difficult years stay married for a very long time and have the best relationships.
They make each other grow together.
[36:30] The Western tradition vs the Eastern tradition: the individual is the smallest unit of society vs. the family is the smallest unit of society
[37:55] Marriage is 50% of your religion. Marriage accounts for so much of your spiritual growth and exercise of many of Islam's religious duties.
[40:10] When you're with someone, a mirror is held up to you. Our romantic desire for someone and being bound to them, forces us to work on ourselves and become better people.
[42:00] How Nabeel met and married his wife
[44:20] How long it takes to mature in a marriage and step into your role as the patriarch
[46:20] Men without children are man-children and women without children are self-absorbed narcissists
[47:20] You're never truly ready to get married or have children. Allah provides sustenance for each person. My upward mobility strategy: get more wives and have more kids.
[49:50] Hypergamy and cognitive dissonance in women.
[51:40] Islam places a cost of doing business on both genders attempting to fully realize their respective sexual strategies (hypergamy and plate-spinning).
[54:30] Misconceptions about Islam and polygynous societies, "there are all these unmarried men without sexual access to women".
[57:10] Pat impresses us with his knowledge of early Islamic history.
[58:10] There will always be the bottom end of the bell curve, Muslim or non-Muslim, male or female, who will likely always be single because they have no prospects
[59:30] Using Myers-Briggs Type Indicators to understand and explain personality. Pat gives us a short primary.
[1:02:00] I ask Pat to analyze my type - ESTJ-A (People Mastery - Assertive). Pay close attention to this. It's a little complex to type out.
[1:07:00] How to become a more well-rounded and attractive husband: develop your inferior function. In my case, Introverted Feeling.
[1:08:50] How to develop your personality functions. The first step is to become aware of your type and your behavior in particular situations. Then you work to consciously exercise these inferior function behaviors.
[1:12:30] The difference between persona and personality. Persona is masculinity. So, developing a well-rounded and integrated personality does not affect your status as a masculine male.
[1:15:45] I ask Pat to interpret some of my rash and spontaneous behavior, despite being primarily logic and routine based. He says this is the development of my Extraverted Intuition.
[1:19:50] Pat's type makes him someone who likes to debate and argue a lot. We discuss the difference between Pat's kind of debating/arguing and my desire to debate/argue.
[1:24:30] I ask Pat to explain how understanding MBTI and knowing his and his wife's types have helped him and his wife develop their relationship. Pat and his wife have very complementary types: she helps him get more organized and achieve more in life. He helps her feel emotions she never felt before.
[1:30:00] Pat and I think it's a good idea for both husband and wife take an MBTI test, analyze it, and figure out ways to help each other grow together.
[1:33:00] The advantage of the MBTI test over the Big-5 test. It gives you a much better idea of how you can develop your personality and what will happen to you as you do.
[1:37:10] Pat is working on a book exploring and elaborating on his theory of the three pillars of attraction.
[1:39:30] Pat has a book on Text Game called, "Tackling Texting", which even married men can use to create desire and sexual tension in their wives.
[1:43:20] Learning to read and use sub communication, which is Pat's forte and features heavily in his book, can be adapted to any situation.
[1:46:30] This episode of the Becoming the Alpha Muslim podcast was brought to you by halal bedroom dot com. For a limited time, buy-one-get-one-free offer on your first order. Click here to buy now.

For complete show notes visit: http://becomingthealphamuslim.com/how-to-develop-your-personality