MBMBaM 737: Face 2 Face: Amble Down to Dumpster Party

Summary

My Brother, My Brother And Me Podcast Summary

Episode: MBMBaM 737: Face 2 Face: Amble Down to Dumpster Party
Release Date: November 11, 2024
Hosts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy

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Introduction and Humorous Beginnings (00:00 – 04:25)

The episode kicks off with a signature blend of humor and self-deprecation. Griffin humorously declares, "The McElroy brothers are not experts. Their advice should never be followed" (00:00), setting a playful tone for the show. Travis adds, "It's the start of something beautiful" (00:23), followed by Justin's poetic twist: "A small acquaintance has blossomed into a precious friendship" (00:29). The brothers engage in light-hearted banter, discussing their recent achievements and missing out on personal milestones, all while maintaining their comedic rapport.

Dumpster Party Dilemmas (04:25 – 09:00)

The first major discussion revolves around a community event referred to as the "Dumpster Party." An audience member from Colonial Williamsburg seeks advice on how to gain access to this nightly gathering without appearing nosy or intrusive. The brothers delve into the nuances of social infiltration, debating strategies like wearing a raccoon costume to blend in or meticulously planning personal boundaries beforehand.

Notable Quote:
Griffin asserts, "When someone comes to us with such a finely crafted question like this, Travis, you can't just sweep the legs out from under it and say, just go to the dumpster party" (08:21).

Mastering the Art of Teaching Kids to Ride Bikes (09:20 – 14:45)

A concerned parent from Baltimore asks for guidance on teaching their children to ride bikes despite neither parent knowing how. Griffin enthusiastically offers his expertise, joking about charging "$1,500 for one session," which Travis critiques humorously (10:05). The conversation evolves into a humorous exploration of unconventional teaching methods, emphasizing encouragement and support without looking back.

Notable Quote:
Griffin offers, "I'll fucking do it, man. No problem" (09:45), showcasing his willingness to help despite the apparent lack of expertise.

Cymbals: More Than Just Metal (14:45 – 19:01)

The focus shifts to a cymbal player named Reagan from Charlottesville, who seeks advice on making cymbal playing seem cooler to others. The brothers engage in a comedic debate about the complexities and skills involved in cymbal performance, highlighting misconceptions and offering exaggerated solutions like making cymbals part of a flash routine.

Notable Quote:
Justin humorously responds, "You get, you bring, we bring you up to the mic and we're like, tell us all about cymbals. And you're like, they're heavy" (16:28).

Height Growth Hacks for Teens (19:01 – 23:12)

A 13-year-old from Bethesda seeks tips on reaching 6 feet tall. The brothers jokingly suggest absurd methods such as consuming "tall vegetables" like celery and asparagus or utilizing space travel to gain temporary height increases. The conversation playfully mocks the common adolescent desire to grow taller, blending humor with satirical advice.

Notable Quote:
Griffin quips, "There's some places in my house only I can get to, and that's cool. If there could be even more places that were my own little secret goblin holes, I could squirrel away little butterscotches and sweets in them" (21:10).

The Orbeez Classroom Catastrophe (54:00 – 60:01)

Bonnie D. from a New York City classroom confronts the chaos caused by 12,000 Orbeez spilled during a school dance centerpiece activity. The brothers offer a flurry of humorous yet impractical solutions, including deploying the Orbeez to mythical entities like Pennywise or suggesting Bonnie relinquish her role to avoid further mishaps.

Notable Quote:
Travis mockingly advises, "You have 12,000 orbeez because of a class activity that left you with a bunch of orphaned orbeez" (55:03).

Sneaking a Squatty Potty into the Workplace (58:44 – 63:45)

A listener named Ariana seeks advice on discreetly introducing a Squatty Potty into her workplace bathroom. The brothers brainstorm a variety of strategies, ranging from piecemeal assembly to leaving thoughtful notes. Their suggestions blend practicality with their signature comedic flair, ultimately advising subtlety and creativity.

Notable Quote:
Griffin suggests, "Maybe if you guys had brought in more box tops for education last year. So we could get real fucking Shrek" (60:29).

Handling Comments on One’s Name: The Kevin Klein Conundrum (63:45 – 72:00)

Kevin Klein, an avid fan, seeks advice on reacting to comments about his name. The brothers engage in a humorous exploration of name-related insecurities, referencing pop culture icons and personal anecdotes. Their playful dissection of the issue underscores the show's blend of advice and comedy.

Notable Quote:
Travis jests, "Why could there be something like you to have named you Kevin Klein" (65:30).

Choosing the Perfect Classroom Theme: Shrek vs. Frogs (67:00 – 75:10)

Shannon Sheher, a sixth-grade English teacher, grapples with selecting a classroom theme, torn between a medieval castle and the beloved character Shrek. The brothers offer exaggerated and humorous suggestions, ultimately leaning into the whimsical idea of integrating Shrek into the theme through various creative means.

Notable Quote:
Justin admits, "I don't hate Shrek. I saw Shrek in theaters in 2001... it's not my favorite movie of all time" (71:38).

Closing Remarks and Community Engagement (75:10 – End)

As the episode wraps up, the brothers extend heartfelt thanks to their audience, acknowledging the contributions of listeners and event organizers. They maintain their comedic energy, encouraging continued participation and support, all while weaving in playful references to popular culture and community spirit.

Notable Quote:
Griffin concludes, "Thank you so much to Montaigne. For the use of our theme song My Life is better with you. It's a club banger every time" (78:02).

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Key Takeaways:

• Humor and Relatability: The McElroy brothers excel at blending genuine advice with humor, making complex or mundane topics entertaining.

• Engagement with Audience: Interactive segments with listeners' questions foster a sense of community and connection.

• Satirical Advice: The episode leverages satire to highlight the often absurd lengths people go to solve everyday problems.

Notable Quotes:

• Griffin: "No fucking way, man. This is my first goddamn trophy" (04:25).

• Travis: "Is possible?" (06:12).

• Griffin: "We always fucking get at each other's throats" (26:36).

• Travis: "They don't own this." (06:58).

• Justin: "I have a lot of rocks and minerals. I'm a geologist, and I want to find." (72:45).

This episode of My Brother, My Brother And Me continues to showcase the McElroy brothers' unique ability to transform everyday dilemmas into sources of laughter and camaraderie, all while providing their trademark free (and hilariously unqualified) advice.

Transcript

[Griffin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts.

[Travis McElroy]

And.

[Griffin McElroy]

Their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

[Travis McElroy]

What's up?

[Griffin McElroy]

You cool baby?

[Travis McElroy]

It's the start of something beautiful.

[Justin McElroy]

A small acquaintance has blossome ripen into a precious friendship.

[Audience Member]

I could have never seen what was coming for me.

[Travis McElroy]

Hangs at the skate park Hangs by.

[Audience Member]

The beach My life, it feels like it's better it's better with you My life.

[Travis McElroy]

It'S better it's better with you.

[Audience Member]

This is true it's better it's better with two My life, it's better with you. Hello everybody. Welcome to My Brother, My Brother Be an advice show for the Modron era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What's up Trav Nation? I'm your middlest brother Travis. Big dog a woof woof McElroy. What's Papa?

[Griffin McElroy]

Trav Nation. I'm your sweet baby brother and 30 under 30 media luminary, Griffin McElroy.

[Audience Member]

I had a question for you before we begin. They told us when we booked the shows that either Tyson's or Tyson's Corner, Virginia is acceptable. And I do not like that.

[Griffin McElroy]

No fucking way, man.

[Audience Member]

I don't like that. There's one that's right and one that's wrong. Please enlighten me as to which I prefer Tyson. Okay, see, I worked in Percivale, Virginia for two summers. Shout out, Percivale. And it was always Tyson's Corner to me. And I don't know about this slick Tyson's rebrand.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, so hi Ty town.

[Audience Member]

No, I don't. I think I'm gonna say hello, Tyson's Corner. Thank you for having us in your beautiful town.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm so excited you're all here in Trav Nation Embassy tonight. For the next two hours, you all have diplomatic immunity.

[Griffin McElroy]

Congratulations. I prefer the possessive Tysons Corner over just a random plural Tyson. We live in mini Tysons.

[Travis McElroy]

This is Tyson's Corner.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

What are you doing standing here? This is Tyson's Corner. Man.

[Audience Member]

If he sees you, we should mention our trophies. This has never happened before.

[Travis McElroy]

We won something.

[Audience Member]

To us, the fine folks here at the Capitol, One hall brought us these little trophies that have our name on them and it says Sold out on it. And that has nothing to do with us and everything to do with you. So it's kind of all of our trophies we will be.

[Griffin McElroy]

No fucking way, man. This is my first goddamn trophy.

[Travis McElroy]

It is nice. Cause they put the date on there, too, so it's nice to pinpoint when I sold out. Yeah, it's really nice that we can look back on it and be like, when did Travis. Oh, it was the 23rd of June, 2024. Yeah, man. He went totally capitalistic at that point. At Capital One. Yeah, it worked out.

[Audience Member]

It's just I never thought I'd get a trophy again, you know?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, after I was 14. When you were a scorekeeper for the basketball team.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that was probably my last main trophy, and it's just nice to get a trophy again.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, well, you have kids now, and any trophy they win is kind of yours, too.

[Audience Member]

My cat's a good. They haven't won any trophies either. Not a big.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, one day they'll start a podcast that'll sell out a big crowd and get a special trophy for it. My only regret is that this is the first tour maybe ever that dad hasn't tagged along for, and he doesn't get to see his three sons win their first three trophies ever.

[Travis McElroy]

I thought, you need to take a picture of us with the trophy, post it for our dad.

[Griffin McElroy]

We'll put our dad's phone number up on the screen.

[Audience Member]

If you would all text photos of us to our dad at various angles, tell proof it's not Photoshopped, try to ransom us to our dad, see how it goes. I would love to know.

[Travis McElroy]

I'd like to know how much we're worth.

[Audience Member]

The dad, what's the figure?

[Travis McElroy]

To dad, what's the going rate?

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, after these trophies, man, we're gonna be sitting pretty.

[Audience Member]

Maybe if everyone could take a picture of us with the trophies and then on social media with the caption, like, they did it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

And it's like, if you're not looking too close, you'd be like, damn. I don't know what it was, but it looks pretty good. I mean, I guess they won the big podcast award.

[Travis McElroy]

Is that a Grammy?

[Audience Member]

Is that the Grammy?

[Travis McElroy]

Did they get the first podcasting Grammy? Yes.

[Audience Member]

As you've certainly guessed, this is an advice show, and we're going to take your questions and turn them alchemy, like, into wisdom for your edutainment right now before your very eyes. I live in Colonial Williamsburg in a small apartment complex. Heck of heck of a Great Wolf Lodge there.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Is that where you live? Question asker. Do you live at the Great Wolf Lodge? Because. Nice.

[Griffin McElroy]

Nice. A couple setups you got there.

[Travis McElroy]

Sweet life of Zach and Cody.

[Griffin McElroy]

Shit.

[Audience Member]

A couple months ago, people started gathering at night outside one of the dumpsters. The small gathering has since evolved with people bringing chairs, then a grill. Now there's a whole TV set up in someone's trunk. Brothers. How do I get invited to the dumpster party? This happens almost every night, and I'm so curious what their deal is, but I don't want to seem like a narc. That's from nosy neighbor in colonial Williamsburg. Are you here?

[Griffin McElroy]

All right.

[Travis McElroy]

Nice.

[Audience Member]

You're so high up, I'd invite you to the dumpster party.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Is it possible? And I hadn't considered this possibility before, but it did start as something illicit. And then they were like, you know, as long as we're here.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, this is a chance.

[Travis McElroy]

Let's get to know each other.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. You guys want to watch suits people? People started bringing their kids, and they're like, I don't know about this scene anymore, man. The dumpster party used to be about something.

[Travis McElroy]

Used to be a happening, you know?

[Audience Member]

No one has ever sent out, like, an evite to a dumpster party, right? No one has ever. There's ever been a knock at the door, and the butler has lifted up a silver tr.

[Travis McElroy]

My Lord, my Lord.

[Audience Member]

It's finally happened. The social event of the year.

[Griffin McElroy]

I also don't think you can be uninvited from a dumpster party.

[Audience Member]

That's true.

[Griffin McElroy]

Who's gonna kick you out? It's a dumpster. You don't own this.

[Travis McElroy]

Probably. Maybe you do now. What if you showed up in a raccoon costume?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. And then.

[Travis McElroy]

Then they're like, oh, they belong here.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

They were here first. This is their land.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then, even if you can't pull off a convincing raccoon act, you've got an interesting story, and they're going to want to know about it.

[Audience Member]

If you do amble down to the dumpster party, I would set aside a little time, just private time beforehand, where you can write down a list of things that you are and are not okay with happening at the dumpster party. Because you need. You can't do any math then, right? You need a very clear, very long and detailed list of like, oh, oh, okay. That's my. Oh, okay, I'm going.

[Travis McElroy]

You're passing what around?

[Audience Member]

Oh, oh, look at the time. Would I like to.

[Travis McElroy]

Everybody starts pulling on ski masks. You're like, oh, time to go.

[Audience Member]

Would I like to buy a. No.

[Travis McElroy]

Huh?

[Audience Member]

I have to go. This has been so cool. But If I was a police, I would try to make you tell me more.

[Travis McElroy]

Right?

[Audience Member]

We all agree about that? I'm not doing that. I'm just going.

[Travis McElroy]

Goodbye. I'll be back at the next dumpster party until this happens again.

[Audience Member]

And then I'll go.

[Travis McElroy]

Just go on down there.

[Audience Member]

Or, you know.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't do that.

[Audience Member]

Don't.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can't. When someone comes to us with such a finely crafted question like this, Travis, you can't just sweep the legs out from under it and say, just go to the dumpster party. What if they don't know anybody at the dumpster party?

[Travis McElroy]

Then you get to know them. Or you show up and say, oh, sorry, I thought this was a different dumpster party. Well, as long as I'm here.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Have you considered the possibility that you are already at the dumpster party?

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, that up there, that's the peeper.

[Audience Member]

They're a part of this community, just like us. But the way they chose to interact with the party is looking at us from time to time.

[Travis McElroy]

We don't know much about them, but we like to believe they keep us safe somehow. They're watching for storms. They'll let us know if a storm's coming in.

[Audience Member]

If you come downstairs, there may be like, oh, no. What omen? What fortunes has brought you down here, People?

[Travis McElroy]

What have you seen? You were on the wall. Are they coming? Keep us safe, people.

[Audience Member]

I have two children, Brag, ages 6 and 4. It's not me. It's the question I asked.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, okay.

[Audience Member]

Who would like to learn to ride bikes? The problem is neither I nor my husband knows how to ride a bike. Brothers. How do I teach my children to ride bikes when I don't know how to do it myself? That's from Bipedal in Baltimore.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you here? Okay, now wait.

[Travis McElroy]

How many of you are there?

[Griffin McElroy]

I'll fucking do it, man. No problem.

[Travis McElroy]

You'll teach them or teach their children?

[Griffin McElroy]

Either. Or, man. Whatever. I'll do all for you in one. I'll give you a group rate.

[Travis McElroy]

That's a good deal.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's a pretty. I didn't even say what my rates are, but thank you, Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

I like to hype up your business ventures.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's $1,500, but you only have to do it the one time, and I'm.

[Travis McElroy]

That actually doesn't make it better, Griffin. $1,500 for one session? No follow up.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're not paying me for the one session of bike riding. You're paying me for the 30 years of bike ride aid training. That I've given out to people.

[Travis McElroy]

How many other people have you trained to ride a bike?

[Griffin McElroy]

Including my kids?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Zero. Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Audience Member]

But you got one. You got one in the tech.

[Griffin McElroy]

I got it all pinned up. I've got this beautiful moment pinned up inside of me. I don't want my first time teaching people to ride a bike to be my kids. I'm not gonna do a very good job at that.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, okay.

[Audience Member]

You want to drive around with other people's kids.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want to dry run.

[Travis McElroy]

You're gonna use these kids as training wheels.

[Audience Member]

Yes. That makes perfect. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. You know, one of the main things about learning to ride a bike is you should never look behind you. And I think that you could use that to your advantage if you had another adult to step in for you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

And you just encourage the child. Do not look back.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Do not look back. I will be holding you and supporting you the whole way with all the different bike riding advice. And I might sound a little different than the grease 2. That's just fear.

[Travis McElroy]

I might sound a little bit like extreme sports athlete Travis Pastrana. But don't worry about it. I'm right there. You might see me taking video from the side. That's just a swamp gas thing. Don't worry about it. That's a weather balloon. Balloon, son. That's not me. You might see me through the window. Watching suits.

[Audience Member]

You. Could. It would be a pretty great lesson about life if you taught your child to ride a bike. And then at the end, you're like, okay, now me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know. I had no clue. The whole time, I had no clue. I'm so glad you figured it out. I was making all that up. Pedal harder. What was I talking about?

[Travis McElroy]

I don't know, man. I don't know how bison works.

[Audience Member]

The whole time I was sure, you're gonna fall.

[Griffin McElroy]

I could just see me with a YouTube tutorial open on my phone with my child there, like, there's no fucking way.

[Travis McElroy]

They put a towel under their arms.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's no way.

[Travis McElroy]

Have you seen that? Instead of hunching over in a hole, they just put, like, a big beach towel around and they hold it to.

[Griffin McElroy]

Catch all the pit sweat that the kids.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, I. I saw a video, and they were like, here it is, parents. The easiest way. Two minutes, and your kid will be riding a bike. And they're like, start at the top of a hill. And it's like, okay. All right. So I told my kids, like, good news, kids. I got this problem solved. And they were like, we won't be participating in this particular version of this. Like, you're gonna need to take it back to the drawing board, dad. This isn't working for us.

[Griffin McElroy]

There is in this modern era, almost always at least two schools of thought for every major parenting choice you can make. And one is very thoughtfully considered over generations and generations of human beings taking care of other human beings. And the other one is just do it fast and hard and bad.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And it's hard, fast, bad, done. That's the secret.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, there had to be a time, way, way back, millions of years ago, when the first, like, parent bird had baby birds in their nest and said, well, how am I going to teach them to fly?

[Griffin McElroy]

Exactly.

[Travis McElroy]

I know. Boot just right out there. I can't teach him in steps. Oh, I know. I'll just shove him out the nest, be like that bird. No Rick at all.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's beautiful, Travis. Definitely espouse that on stage with a stage that I am also on with you. And everyone can see both of us at the same time.

[Audience Member]

And also, I'm dressed like toad. That was you that kicks. Assume, like, not.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, wait, hold on.

[Travis McElroy]

Real quick question asker.

[Audience Member]

Wow.

[Travis McElroy]

You seem to have lived into an adult life without ever learning to ride a bike. Maybe convince them they don't need it.

[Audience Member]

That's that. I struggle with that a lot because my kids will get frustrated, and they're like, is this important? And then they're, like, looking in the garage for my bike, like, not gonna find it, kids.

[Travis McElroy]

It's not there. I don't have a trophy, and I've never ridden a bike.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

If I'm being honest to a kid, I would say it's maybe once every couple of years. It's gonna be extremely important when all of your friends are like, bike time. And you're like, fuck. But the rest of the time, you can have diarrhea or whatever on the day and you don't have to sweat it. That was sort of my M.O.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

I have a perfectly functional gastrointestinal system. It's just sometimes I'm inconvenienced by things I never really learned how to do.

[Travis McElroy]

Wow, you never learned how to do a lot of things.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, no. The house of cards I've built around myself.

[Audience Member]

I have been in various drumlines throughout the years and have marched world class to make it to finals in indoor drumline. I'm a cymbal player, and I always get excited to tell people about the things that I've Done. However, when I mention cymbals, they just clap their hands together and say like this. But it's a lot more skill based and complex than that. How do I convince people that my instrument is cool? That's from Cool cymbal crasher from Charlottesville.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you here? Okay, great. Obviously there's more to it than just this, right? Sometimes you gotta hit em with a.

[Travis McElroy]

One of those, or maybe you kind of wiggle em gently together so it makes like a slow build.

[Audience Member]

So that is called the shimmer. And that happens without them. They're already shaking. They're trying to control it with everything else to stop the shimmer.

[Travis McElroy]

Cause the symbols are drawn together naturally like magnets.

[Audience Member]

They're both magnetic.

[Travis McElroy]

A lot of the work is holding it apart. Yeah, I see.

[Audience Member]

Well, there's the rubber, the rubbing axe.

[Griffin McElroy]

The rubber is huge, man.

[Audience Member]

People love it because they know something's about to happen. Right. When you hear them start to scrape together, it's like, here it goes.

[Travis McElroy]

And in. In a marching band, it's also part of the flash and pizzazz. You got a big mirror strapped to your hand. You can do one of these.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Waving around.

[Griffin McElroy]

People love that. You could throw it like Kung Lao's hat at an opposing marching band.

[Audience Member]

Would you say, we've covered most of the stuff.

[Griffin McElroy]

Would you be comfortable? I don't know if the microphone is out there. Would you be comfortable telling us more about cymbal playing? It's okay if the answer is no. Yeah. Cool. Hi.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi, brothers.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hello.

[Justin McElroy]

My name is Reagan. My pronouns are she, her, hi, Reagan. Yeah, cymbals, they're really heavy.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, they're really heavy.

[Justin McElroy]

They're really heavy.

[Audience Member]

Okay, wait, sorry, Reagan.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Is that what you wanted people to know about cymbals?

[Justin McElroy]

No.

[Audience Member]

You get, you bring, we bring you up to the mic and we're like, tell us all about cymbals. And you're like, they're heavy. Paul had to run a quarter mile.

[Griffin McElroy]

Many Pauls died to bring us this information.

[Justin McElroy]

You also, you do these things called juggles where you like throw them up in the air.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And you like rotate them a couple times. There's a lot of stuff that you do. You gotta make sure you catch them. Cause if they fall on the pavement, they're gonna crack.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you throw them like a Kung Lao hat at an enemy marching band ever?

[Travis McElroy]

Like you could.

[Justin McElroy]

I've pretended to, I pretended to use them as a guillotine a lot.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck yeah.

[Audience Member]

That's cool. Reagan.

[Travis McElroy]

Let me ask you, if somebody's like, oh, Just like that. And you could say, like, no, they mean a lot more than that. And then everyone's like, what do you mean? You say, well, they're symbolic.

[Griffin McElroy]

Shit, that's good.

[Justin McElroy]

My friends have said that before. They've made that pun a lot.

[Travis McElroy]

Damn it. Thanks, Reagan.

[Audience Member]

God.

[Griffin McElroy]

You could also. Oh, thank you. Oh. I don't know if Travis was dismissing you with that. Thanks for.

[Audience Member]

Exactly.

[Griffin McElroy]

We have so many questions. Unless you want to sit down, that's fine. It's up to you.

[Travis McElroy]

I get it.

[Audience Member]

I don't like standing either.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't get why people. Why people wouldn't think that's cool. It's the thing that when you say, like, here's a marching band. Right. I think it's the thing people most look forward to that are that. And when the drum major throws their shiny stick in the air and catches it, those are the two best things.

[Griffin McElroy]

And when it makes shape, sometimes the marching band makes the shape of a Pac man, and it moves around like Pac Man. And that's super good.

[Audience Member]

When the symbol's like, shh.

[Travis McElroy]

Everybody loves it.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I should let you guys know, my college marching band once made sans undertale.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's fucking incredible. Absolutely. I think that the cymbal. And I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Is the drop of marching band.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And you should wear that as a badge of honor. And if anyone gives you a hard time, you say, interesting. And then 30 minutes later, when they're not paying attention, you get right up behind their ass and you give them a big one.

[Travis McElroy]

And then when they wake back up, you say, no, it's more like that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you have.

[Audience Member]

Is there a strict ethical code about not giving people a full smash when they're unawares? Is there, like. Cause I think that would be the first thing you learn is, like, now, listen, if I'm gonna teach you how to do a full smash, you cannot do it when someone's unawares.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you ever smash the cymbals so hard that you're like, man, I wish I was further away from this?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Is there a way to direct it out away from you? You gotta smash them, but at an angle so all the sound goes forward and not back.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, it still hits you either way.

[Travis McElroy]

Why do you do it?

[Griffin McElroy]

It's hard.

[Travis McElroy]

That's so loud.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's the loudest.

[Travis McElroy]

Scary. It's heavy. It smashes you in the face when you do it. Try the trumpet. That all goes out a lot lighter, too.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And not everyone thinks the trumpet's. I am curious.

[Griffin McElroy]

I am curious why. Why, why you? Why you chose the symbols? Or did perhaps the symbols choose you?

[Audience Member]

I.

[Justin McElroy]

The symbols chose me. It's a very long story.

[Audience Member]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, we don't have to get into it. Thank you so much, Reagan.

[Audience Member]

I appreciate it. Thanks, Reagan. Appreciate you, Reagan. Hey, listen, when someone's on your podcast and you ask them a question, they say it's a long story. I'm gonna take them at their word.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Audience Member]

We got a fast moving show. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Reagan can sell out a show here and tell this story if they want to.

[Griffin McElroy]

Should we do another question?

[Audience Member]

I am a 13 year old boy who is 5 foot 9 inches tall. I'm already taller than everyone else in my family, but I want to, like, really want to hit 6ft tall. Do you have any tips or advice for how to get at least 6ft tall? That's from bonus inches in Bethesda.

[Travis McElroy]

Are you here?

[Audience Member]

Wait, wait.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you here? Awesome.

[Travis McElroy]

Nice. Nice. Have you checked to see how much you've grown since you sent the question in?

[Griffin McElroy]

It's. It was two days ago. Okay. So I doubt it's that intense.

[Travis McElroy]

You've come to the right place. Because we're three. Six feet tall. Gentlemen.

[Audience Member]

What was your secret, Travis? What were the vegetables?

[Travis McElroy]

My secret? Tall vegetables.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's true, man. Celery.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the only tall vegetable that comes to mind.

[Travis McElroy]

Asparagus.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, yeah, for sure.

[Travis McElroy]

Vegetable. I think rhubarb. If you cover it, it grows weird and tall.

[Audience Member]

I'm not sure the commercials say milk. Where are we at on milk? We feel.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think milk is still one of the favorites for making that can also.

[Travis McElroy]

That just makes you denser. That's how I became six feet wide.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Would you. Would you trade density? Right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like any day of the week, man? No fucking problem. Absolutely.

[Travis McElroy]

So the same amount of molecules in your bones, just taller.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's some places in my house only I can get to, and that's cool. You know what I mean? If there could be even more places that were my own little secret goblin holes, I could squirrel away little butterscotches and sweets in them and no one would be the wiser. That's great for me. I would love a few more inches.

[Audience Member]

I don't.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm.

[Griffin McElroy]

It was you. There was one person who started laughing at that.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that started. It was. It was a poor. It infected everybody. It was a mindset.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a tragedy for me.

[Travis McElroy]

Why was that, do you think? When Griffin said he could Use a few more inches.

[Audience Member]

I don't know what it was.

[Travis McElroy]

What about that was funny?

[Audience Member]

I'm five six, and I used to be five seven, and then I checked and it was five six.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

So I'm five six. And that doesn't bother me. I don't think of myself as a short little guy pie.

[Travis McElroy]

It doesn't bother you that you lost an inch somewhere?

[Audience Member]

No. Everybody makes mistakes. The point is, I don't think it bothers me. But sometimes. Sometimes I stand up on a little ledge. I see. Anybody ever stand up on a little ledge and have a moment where they're like this?

[Griffin McElroy]

I could get used to this.

[Travis McElroy]

I could get used to this.

[Audience Member]

Four inches. A four inch ledge. And I'm up there. I'm drunk on power.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, for sure.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm speaking like this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Particularly thick sandals. And I'm like, whoa.

[Travis McElroy]

So it's why cowboy boots exist.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

To make those people feel cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cool and tall.

[Travis McElroy]

That's why I wore them. They made me six foot five.

[Audience Member]

You know about space travel, right? Because that's the only definite option I know about.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sorry.

[Travis McElroy]

Like the rack.

[Audience Member]

If you go to space. If you go to space, you come back taller for a while.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Audience Member]

So if you get to like 5:11, and by the time you're adult, we're all going to space all the time. No big deal. You could get up there and maybe get that last.

[Griffin McElroy]

So when you go in space, it push you apart is what you're suggesting?

[Travis McElroy]

Well, only if you go in space. When a big giant grabs your feet and spins around really fast and lets you go and you fly off into space, then it stretch you out.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think if you get near a black hole, you would get pretty tall for a sec.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

They say like when you wake up first thing in the morning, you're taller than. By the end of the day is everyone. So just don't get out of bed.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's huge, man.

[Travis McElroy]

The more you lay down, the taller you'll get. That's science. Also, bed sores.

[Griffin McElroy]

Bed sores is another thing. But it's worth the trade off. Trust. So many little goblin holes. Oh, I'm so jealous.

[Travis McElroy]

Not the bed sores.

[Griffin McElroy]

Not the bed sores. No, I don't want those.

[Audience Member]

I'm ready, Trev.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, okay. I have a little game. It's called Abnimals Present. Shirts, pants. Both or neither? For any of you who don't know, Abnimals is my own personal predilection where I have a weird fascination with the cartoon animals from the 90s, where it's animals but with abs.

[Griffin McElroy]

They're like ripped animals.

[Travis McElroy]

Cartoons.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Sexy animals.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. So this will be about animals from the TV show Street Sharks. And I have tastefully censored the photos, and my brothers will have to guess if that character is wearing shirt, pants, both or neither.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're so bad at this game, y'all.

[Audience Member]

It's really hard. Harder than it should be, honestly.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, let's pull up that first image.

[Audience Member]

Paul.

[Griffin McElroy]

Traffic. Okay, so this is clearly Street Shark. Yes, clearly.

[Travis McElroy]

And this is Shrimp Louie.

[Griffin McElroy]

Shrimp Louie.

[Travis McElroy]

Shrimp Louie is a mutated shrimp and one of Dr. Luther Paradigm's later Cepheids. He's not very strong. He's quite the coward. And his primary weapons are big blaster guns.

[Audience Member]

Why didn't the sewer sharks kill this guy day one?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Pity, I guess. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

They are sharks, though.

[Travis McElroy]

They should.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's some natural instinct that should have.

[Travis McElroy]

Does look like this one is about to kill him.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's true. It looks like he's actively being struck by a motorcycle.

[Audience Member]

Here's what I think. Here's what I think. Belt, bandolier, nothing else.

[Travis McElroy]

Whoa.

[Griffin McElroy]

Holy shit. A bold. I guess it works for Chewie, man.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think that this is some of your worst question mark doing today.

[Audience Member]

I think that sliver that you have.

[Travis McElroy]

Left, that's one of his arms, buddy.

[Audience Member]

Okay, you're not good at that. That's not a skill you have.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm not a designer by trade. I'm a comedian, an artist.

[Griffin McElroy]

Justin is effectively saying neither with his belt and bandolier. Guess I feel like this shrimp. He's wearing long, extremely playful gloves. I'm gonna say both pants and shirt.

[Audience Member]

Okay, to be clear, I'm saying shirt. I just think it'll be a bandolier.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is a shirt in your.

[Audience Member]

It's thin with a belt. I said like it's upper gear. Maybe it's a.

[Griffin McElroy]

That was a bandoleer. A shirt. But a belt isn't his shirt.

[Audience Member]

I'm not going to go. I'm not going to get DQ'd because I said. Because you counted it as neither. I don't think it's naked. I think it would count as a shirt.

[Griffin McElroy]

We always say this juice. We always fucking get at each other's throats.

[Audience Member]

I know.

[Griffin McElroy]

When really what? We never get it right because the animals are always so much more naked than we think they're going to be.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, let's reveal. Show me shrimp, Louis.

[Audience Member]

I mean.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, what I love about this character. You get two points. You get One point.

[Audience Member]

That's how it works.

[Travis McElroy]

But he's got the. The bandolier. So I'm going to strap on. But it seems to strap under his exoskeleton.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. It does kind of end at his shell, doesn't it?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And what does he demonstrating?

[Travis McElroy]

And this is how I cower.

[Griffin McElroy]

Here's how I make love.

[Audience Member]

And what's the middle hand for? I don't know.

[Griffin McElroy]

Now, can I make an argument that the exoskeleton of this shrimp creature does count as a shirt? Amp?

[Audience Member]

Absolutely not.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, fine.

[Travis McElroy]

It goes into his raised eyebrows.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, that's totally fine.

[Travis McElroy]

Off of his face.

[Griffin McElroy]

Just had to be sure.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, next image. Paw.

[Griffin McElroy]

Shit, man. Are these all street sharks?

[Travis McElroy]

All street sharks.

[Audience Member]

This is Slobster, okay? If Slobster is not wearing pants, they're doing an Austin Powers thing where the bike is hiding his wiener.

[Travis McElroy]

Slobster is one of Dr. Paradigm's earlier experiments. Along with Slash, he was created by injecting a. Get this, lobster, okay? With the DNA of villainous figures like Genghis Khan and Colonel Thomas Blood.

[Griffin McElroy]

Give me those two names again.

[Travis McElroy]

Genghis Khan and Colonel Thomas Blood. I don't know that one. Becoming an anthropomorphic lobster that salivates constantly.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right, Slobster, Even better.

[Travis McElroy]

And Slobster. Can I describe his facial expression as? Just go around already. Yeah, I know. Just go around.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're being incredibly graceful to Slobster with that. Can we get a close up on Slobster's face, Paul? Just like an extreme Slobster closeup. If he's not wearing pants, this cartoon should never have been on the air.

[Travis McElroy]

And let me just tell you folks, if your friend looks like this after a party, don't let him drive.

[Griffin McElroy]

No fucking way, man.

[Travis McElroy]

They're not safe to drive.

[Audience Member]

I'm going, pants, no shirt. Pants, no shirt.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm going, man. I also think it's pants, no shirt. I'm all say fully clothed, but the Sewer Sharks are so nude.

[Audience Member]

Guys like the Sewer Sharks are also.

[Travis McElroy]

In appearance, laughing at him derisively.

[Audience Member]

The chime of their lives.

[Travis McElroy]

Could he not find a bigger motorcycle? And that's really funny to them. Okay, you know what?

[Griffin McElroy]

He's not wearing a shirt. He's fully nude. This is a fully nude lobster, man. Fully nude lobster.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, let's reveal Paul fully nude. Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

And. Yeah, wait, hold on. Sorry, let me amend that. Yes. And also no.

[Travis McElroy]

No Slobster.

[Griffin McElroy]

No Slobster. No man.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, next up, wall, Travis.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know What? I'm looking at my man.

[Audience Member]

Give me at least an orientation here.

[Travis McElroy]

That's Clamando.

[Audience Member]

That's Clamanda.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, why does he have clothes inside of the shell?

[Travis McElroy]

He extends up beyond the shell. Griffin, I don't know what to tell you.

[Audience Member]

God, I hate this one the worst. This one sucks to think about.

[Travis McElroy]

In an episode called Shark to the Future. Brilliant. An alternative future where Dr. Luthor Paradine has taken over the the world featured Clemando as one of the mutated creatures on Dr. Paradigm's side. His origin was later revealed as a human. He was a dock worker.

[Audience Member]

He was.

[Griffin McElroy]

This thing used to be a human.

[Travis McElroy]

Who worked for Malcolm Medusa iii. One day, he slipped from the dock and fell into the sea where someone had dumped barrels of toxic waste. Why they were dumped right next to a dock, or how no one knew about that is never.

[Audience Member]

All right, here's where I'm at.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, hold on.

[Audience Member]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

This dumping of toxic waste had a large grouping of oysters surrounding him. The waste fused the man's and the oyster's DNA together, turning him into the human oyster hybrid.

[Audience Member]

This show's terrifying, man. It's so scary. Zack.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're telling me that can happen?

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yikes.

[Travis McElroy]

And look at the guy next to him is like, this was my son.

[Audience Member]

I have been looking at this the entire time it's been up, just trying to figure out what could be below.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's the parts of the guy.

[Audience Member]

What's below the shell. Yeah, because I think about oyster. Yeah, it's not usually anything down there.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, he's also part man.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that's what scares me the most. Trav.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, Definitely.

[Audience Member]

Please.

[Griffin McElroy]

Christ, I've been so good lately. Let there be pants on this.

[Audience Member]

I would. From what I'm seeing here, I could. I don't even know if you could say conclusively about pants, unless they're, like, hiked way up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Audience Member]

This could be like.

[Griffin McElroy]

Which is the cool look. Now, I don't know if people know that.

[Travis McElroy]

And it started with Clamando.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Clamando started that trend. High waisted pants.

[Griffin McElroy]

I will say pants, no shirt.

[Travis McElroy]

Shirt, no pants reveal.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. Well, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Audience Member]

Oh, that's pants and shirt, pal. Oh, now we're.

[Travis McElroy]

We did establish a precedent with bandolier, didn't we?

[Griffin McElroy]

Damn it.

[Audience Member]

Okay, now, hold on. Let's think through this. The shell is the band. If that's a bandolier, it's not going all the way around.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a cool necklace.

[Audience Member]

It's just Sitting.

[Travis McElroy]

I also would bet just he can't reach it. Yeah, but there's no way.

[Audience Member]

So is that his body?

[Travis McElroy]

Wow.

[Audience Member]

I don't like looking at this one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Any more than I do. Do you think that that other guy is like, listen, if you're gonna party with the Street Sharks, you're gonna have to lose some of those clothes. Much.

[Audience Member]

How about just half a shell? What do you say?

[Travis McElroy]

Is the shell part of it, or. Okay, let's see that next one, Paul.

[Griffin McElroy]

God, there's so many.

[Audience Member]

Okay, this one's adorable.

[Travis McElroy]

This one's El Sordo.

[Audience Member]

No, Travis it is. Travis's real name.

[Travis McElroy]

El Sordo was a circus performer who worked with a large marlin named Spike. You know how circus performers do work with. Worked with a large marlin named Spike in Satellite Sharks. Spike was abducted and used by Dr. Paradigm, and his trainer sought them out in the desert. The two were eventually fused, it says in quotes, together, resulting in a combination of memories. But he is dominantly the human in action and personality. El Sordo helps the Street Sharks and Manta man fight the Mecco Sharks.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

El Sordo remains active in entertainment, having been on a naval ship in one episode where he was exercising his skills with double swords by slicing fruit in half while they're in midair.

[Griffin McElroy]

How embarrassing for El Sordo that that's what his career turned in. Hey, what's up? Thanks for your service. Just start hucking fruits up here. I'm gonna show you. You guys are gonna flip. Shit.

[Audience Member]

I guess all you could say, I'm the real fruit ninja. Okay, let's go, let's go.

[Travis McElroy]

Kids are gonna love it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Shirt, no pants. It's speak. El Sordo is speaking to me, and he's saying, shirt, no pants.

[Travis McElroy]

He's saying, kill me, please. Listen, euthanasia me, please. I don't drown me in vodka.

[Audience Member]

I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose the audience, but here's what I'm gonna say right now. Yeah, I think we'd all be better off if Dr. Paradigm was killed. It seems like Dr. Paradigm has gotten away with a lot of crimes against.

[Travis McElroy]

Us and sharks in a later episode. Spoiler. His DNA is fused with the piranhas. So he does get a little taste of his own medicine.

[Audience Member]

Becomes a super piranha dude.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, he doesn't change as much as El Sordo.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, no, Travis was being literal. He takes his special piranha medicine, he tastes it, and he's like, oh, interesting.

[Audience Member]

What did you guess about this? This.

[Griffin McElroy]

This oh, shirt no pants all day.

[Audience Member]

Oh, this is pants no shirt reveal positive shirt.

[Griffin McElroy]

Damn it. Man, they really spent a long time illustrating his bathing suit area.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, they really shaded the hell out of it, didn't they?

[Audience Member]

Really worked hard at it. Harder than at the teeth.

[Travis McElroy]

He doesn't have a shadow from his body, but he's got a shadow on his balls.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, we got one last one here.

[Audience Member]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

What? Travis, is that.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, that's Killamari. Killamari is the third of Dr. Luther Paradigm's evil ceviots, created from a squid that was captured off the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. Slash and Killamari despise each other, mostly because Slash made a snide remark about Killimari's initial inability to talk and that Calamari is much more intelligent than Slash. Kilimari has the ability to project natural spears or harpoons from his mouth.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fucking I'm Team Killamari.

[Audience Member]

Alt.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're telling me I'm supposed to be rooting for the sharks?

[Travis McElroy]

These projectiles drip with an extremely potent venom.

[Audience Member]

Hell yeah, they do.

[Griffin McElroy]

I love that.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, in his debut episode titled Loan Shark, he almost killed Jab, but Lena and Benz concocted an anti venom, which has since reduced his.

[Audience Member]

Whatever.

[Griffin McElroy]

Bullshit.

[Audience Member]

Nobody can resist his incredible toxin. I'm going to say calamari is a big threat. You can't have a big believable threat when they're completely nude. I'm going to say pants and shirt on Kilimari.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm sorry, Juice, I'm. Kilimari is looking at my soul right now with those deeply offset eyes that he's telling me, griffin, there's nothing under here. My nudity is part of my power. Don't take this from me.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm unashamed of what God and Dr. Paradine gave me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Neither. This is a nude squid, and I love him so much.

[Travis McElroy]

Let's reveal Paul barely pants.

[Audience Member]

Barely pants.

[Travis McElroy]

All right. Also, I don't know what's happening in the abdominal area.

[Audience Member]

Who won?

[Travis McElroy]

No one. Farewell for now.

[Audience Member]

Bye.

[Travis McElroy]

Adieu.

[Audience Member]

It's better. It's better with you.

[Travis McElroy]

Hi, everybody. It's me, Travis McElroy, your middlest brother. And I'm here to train Travis.

[Audience Member]

How did you get into my office?

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, Justin, I've always been in your office.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, me too. I live in this.

[Travis McElroy]

Whoa.

[Griffin McElroy]

I live in this little bookshelf. I read all the Animorph's books you got every day.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, Justin, can we go back to you asking me how I got in your office? And I'll tie it in.

[Audience Member]

How'd you get in my office?

[Travis McElroy]

I flat Stanley ed myself and mailed myself here with stamps.

[Audience Member]

Stamps.com?

[Travis McElroy]

That'S right, Justin. I had a big bulletin board fall over on me. Flattened myself out.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And then I went to stamps.com, printed out postage, slabbed it right on my forehead because I forgot to buy envelopes.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I tried to blow him back up with a pump, which I know you're thinking, just blow him back up with a pump. I tried that. He was screaming like it hurt so much.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, it just inflated one leg a lot is the problem. It just all went to one leg.

[Audience Member]

You know, the holidays are such a big hassle, but you can get ahead of it right now, okay? And free up.

[Travis McElroy]

We were on this whole Flat Stanley thing, but no, do your holiday thing.

[Audience Member]

No, the ad is coming to an end. I can feel it in my bones.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wow, it really feels like we just started. Are you sure?

[Audience Member]

I know. The adventure is just beginning. And commercialism wears its ugly head again. Oh, man. Sign it with stamps and enter code my brother for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. That's stamps.com code mybrother.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, like, if you wanted to ship your brother a book on improv, look how to do it, or whatever, you.

[Audience Member]

Can use stamps.com thought about it and you guys can keep doing your skit in the next ad if you want.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, it's funny, all this talk about Flat Stanley, because I was going over my finances the other day with Rocket Money, just going over some of the subscriptions that I may have forgotten about and I had one for a subscription.

[Audience Member]

Wait, you're managing them? More like Guy Nances.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh yeah, Little Guy Nances.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. But anyway, I was so like, I.

[Travis McElroy]

Was Justin, that was in the improv community, what we call instead of yes and that's or my thing or.

[Griffin McElroy]

But so, yeah, so anyway, I was looking at my guidance.

[Audience Member]

Is this part of it? Is this part?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, so anyway, I was looking at my fucking finances and you know what I saw on my subscriptions list? I forgot about Washington. Thick Stanley. This is a special website for bigger.

[Travis McElroy]

For discerning gentlemen.

[Griffin McElroy]

For discerning gentlemen. Who needs a Stanley with a little bit of meat on his belly?

[Travis McElroy]

A more refined sensibility who likes a Thick Stanley.

[Griffin McElroy]

So I didn't get rid of that one with Rocket Money, but I did get rid of a lot of other ones with Rocket Money.

[Audience Member]

He Actually double subscribed to it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I became a triple diamond.

[Travis McElroy]

He wanted it on all his devices.

[Griffin McElroy]

I got a triple diamond membership and two promo invite codes for thicc Stanley.

[Audience Member]

He got into the standstance. But I can help you get set.

[Griffin McElroy]

Up with Rocket Money. For free. Absolutely. It's a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Genuinely Actually just did this three days ago and found no fewer than three different kids edutainment apps that I had subscribed to and forgotten about.

[Audience Member]

I actually got a large transaction warning that I had forgotten about. So that from Rocket Money. So that was nice. Good reminder.

[Travis McElroy]

I get updates weekly to say how my spending that week compared to my spending the week before, which is incredibly helpful.

[Griffin McElroy]

I actually like that Rocket Money helps you guys the way that it helps me. I thought we had a special, but then again, Rocket Money has over 5 million users.

[Audience Member]

It's the end of the ad.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wow, I was in the middle of.

[Audience Member]

That, but now I'm sorry, Griffin, but it's yellow.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin, we have to say I'm sorry, guys.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, I gotta go to the other.

[Travis McElroy]

But Rocket Money has over 5 million users and it saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscription saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why wouldn't you want people to know that?

[Audience Member]

Well, I'm trying to keep the secret to just us.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, I see.

[Griffin McElroy]

I got you. Anyway, cancel your unwanted subscriptions. Not Fix Stanley, but the other ones by going to rocketmoney.com mybrother that's rocketmoney.com mybrother One last time. Rocketmoney.com mybrother there's still not a great way to come back from using the toilet in front of a bunch of people and feel like great about it.

[Travis McElroy]

It's not like I'm pretty proud.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's not like we're the Rolling Stones coming out for an encore. We pretty much told you we have to go use the toilet.

[Travis McElroy]

I went back there, Griffin. I pissed like nobody's watching, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

Excellent.

[Travis McElroy]

I really let it go.

[Griffin McElroy]

I fucking hope nobody's watching you use the toilet, Travis.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that's the only way I do it.

[Travis McElroy]

You never like to biz like somebody's watching? Nope, never like Jesus.

[Audience Member]

Come on now. Oh. Breaking news. It's a haunted doll. Watch now. Paul, please do not reveal the image of the doll until I call for it. Okay, let's meet our first Contestant. It's Milvia.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's not a name.

[Audience Member]

I'm gonna set up for you, Milvia. Okay. And I'm gonna paint a word picture. I want you to follow along in your head. Okay?

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Audience Member]

Milvia, a highly powerful spirit possesses the essence of a Blood Witch. Wielding formidable magic. Rooted in the ancient arts of blood sorcery. Her presence resonates with primal energy and deep mysticism, reflecting her profound connection to the forces of nature and the unseen realms.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

As a Blood Witch, Milvia harnesses the potent energies of blood to fuel her spells and rituals, drawing upon the life force within to manifest her intentions with extraordinary precision and potency. Her magic is ancient and primal, tapping into the primal forces of creation and transformation.

[Griffin McElroy]

I feel like we focus mostly on how Milvia is a witch and not that Milvia is also a ghost. Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And can I also say how I love so much of that description? Could have ended. Every sentence could have ended with.

[Audience Member]

Or whatever. All right, let's see. Milvia, that's not what I. So, Okay, I think you may have over promised a little bit.

[Griffin McElroy]

That is an off the rack monster high action figure.

[Travis McElroy]

That is. For the first time in haunted doll history, a toy has been listed that I would have to spend so much time actively stopping my children from playing.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

No, honey, there's a spirit in there.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

No, it's a vessel.

[Audience Member]

And her power extends beyond conventional witchcraft, delving into the realms of the occult and the esoteric. She's a master of divination. No, they're not over promising. Listen, this doll for $22, is a master of divination. Possessing the ability involved to peer into the depths of the unknown and unveil hidden truths and secrets. Milvia's energy is indeed fierce and unwavering. Fueled by her deep commitment to protecting her keeper from harm. As a powerful spirit of a Blood Witch, she possesses an innate sense of loyalty and guardianship. She has been promoted to avenger. At this point, no mere dog.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm just gonna say I'm not familiar with. With Blood Witch mythology. But if they're protectors and guardians. Gotta rebrand.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gotta get a new name, y'all.

[Travis McElroy]

Guys, you gotta rebrand.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm just happy to see a doll on this list where the listing is not like this haunted doll is going to fuck you up.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gonna ruin your life and make all your shit float around. Your dog's gonna start acting mad weird and you're not gonna know why. It's a little.

[Audience Member]

But don't get it twisted. She's nine inches tall with the hat. Don't let it be confusing. She's nine inches tall.

[Griffin McElroy]

Next.

[Audience Member]

Okay. From the same seller.

[Travis McElroy]

From the seller that.

[Audience Member]

From the seller that brought you. Milvia, meet Esme. This one's maybe the scariest of all. This is. Just goes right into it. I've communicated with her using various forms of divination and giving her a reading. Esme as a baby witch. She was 18 years old when she passed away.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait.

[Audience Member]

She was born into a pagan family. And though she's not given me a year, my reading suggests 17th century. And she was summoned to this vessel by witchcraft. Esme has been bound of her own free will. Well.

[Travis McElroy]

Huh.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. You can.

[Audience Member]

Well, some people are into that.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can spin off a bunch of occult bullshit here at. At the. In the description of this. I'm still kind of stuck on 18 year old baby witch.

[Audience Member]

Esme specializes.

[Travis McElroy]

Baby witch. You're 18 years old. Get a job.

[Griffin McElroy]

Esme responsibility.

[Audience Member]

She likes to recharge her energy in moonlight surrounded by crystals. Her spirit activating the crystals around her, enhancing their powers and imbuing them with protective and healing properties. She's a great assistant if you practice crystal witchcraft. Can we see her, Paul?

[Travis McElroy]

No. No.

[Audience Member]

Now this one is 8 inches tall. And it is the mom from the Berenstain Bears. An unmodded factory condition mom from the Berenstain Bears.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fresh off the factory line.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I tell you what's wild? I didn't remember the mom from Berenstain Bears being a baby witch when I was a kid.

[Audience Member]

She is saying stop showing us the.

[Griffin McElroy]

Butts of the dolls. EBay.

[Travis McElroy]

And Paul, this is where the ghost dot end.

[Audience Member]

She is safe in homes with children and pets. I'm not sure she'd be safe at home with pets.

[Travis McElroy]

No. I don't think so either.

[Audience Member]

That's a chew toy toy right there. Pretty cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

She could take selfies though.

[Audience Member]

She likes Esme.

[Travis McElroy]

When BAE catches you.

[Audience Member]

Esme likes offerings of lavender and the honey.

[Travis McElroy]

Eh.

[Audience Member]

Boo Boo. Also strengthen her power and bond her with her keeper. She does not take well to dark energies or loud noises. We're an environment that has tiny kids. Where do you keep your bed? Same bear mom toy outside where she likes it. And her name is Esme. Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much.

[Audience Member]

She's a crystal witch. Last contestant.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are they competing for our.

[Travis McElroy]

I know who has my vote so far.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, for sure.

[Audience Member]

Let's hold off on that image for just a second, Paul, because it's very important. This captivating.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

You just Gotta show them, Paul.

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Audience Member]

They're starting to play hardball with the people that collect witch stuff. They're starting to comfort them where they live. With pictures of cats playing with each other.

[Travis McElroy]

With cats levitating.

[Audience Member]

But it's this captivating frame limited edition print by renowned artist Susan van camp, measuring 1212 inches by 10 inches. To picks two majestic cats.

[Griffin McElroy]

Majestic is what we're called.

[Audience Member]

It says it depicts two majestic cats gazing out at the viewer. Which is demonstrably untrue.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, which one?

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, which one is it, though? Because that's two different pictures.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that's confusing, isn't it, Griffin? Because one is definitely a picture and one is a painting.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I think the picture's AI. It's got to be. Yeah. Okay.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Research into Susan VanCamp's work revealed a recurring theme of feline guardians and angels. Intriguingly, the print itself, number 49 out of 500, hints at a sense of duality.

[Travis McElroy]

How?

[Audience Member]

Cause there's two of them.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Audience Member]

I think. Right, because there's two.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well.

[Travis McElroy]

Cause there's a flash in there.

[Audience Member]

Well, there's two cats and so there's a sense of duality.

[Griffin McElroy]

So it is. Wait, does it have wings in that one?

[Travis McElroy]

It has wings.

[Audience Member]

We believe this frame print has become a vessel for the spirits of two feline angels, Luna and Jasper.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, hold on. That's right. Considerably. One of them is an angel.

[Audience Member]

They got. They graduated from cats to picture of cats. All dolls go to heaven. All cats go to pictures of cats.

[Travis McElroy]

Lynn and Japan. Sorry I died. Just wanted to come say bye one last time.

[Audience Member]

Lynn and Jack it.

[Griffin McElroy]

You got any of that? Good string, brother.

[Audience Member]

They embody different. The Luna and Jasper are a complimentary pair embodying different aspects of feline guardianship.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cool.

[Audience Member]

So it's kind of the two different sides of that. New owners of this frame print. My experience, feelings of calm and security. I'm feeling calm just thinking about owning a haunted or.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, I feel calm and secure.

[Audience Member]

Looking at this.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm also going to say I'm not an art curator. A lot of matting on that picture. That's like 90% matte.

[Audience Member]

In closing, it says this framed limited edition cat print is more than a beautiful piece of art. It's a conduit for the loving energy of two feline angels. So those are your haunted items for this week.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much.

[Audience Member]

Hana.

[Griffin McElroy]

Doll, watch.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, my God.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, we are going to call some folks down to the microphone here. We've asked you for your questions in advance and we have chosen the Ones we like so much. So if we call you down, approach the microphone if you want to tell us your name, your pronouns, if you'd like and what your question is, and we will answer it live. Hello.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hi. How's it going?

[Justin McElroy]

I'm doing well. How are you?

[Griffin McElroy]

Pretty kick ass. Yeah, no complaints.

[Travis McElroy]

What'd you have for dinner? No, we don't have to keep up the chitchat. It's fine.

[Griffin McElroy]

What is your name?

[Justin McElroy]

Hello, my name's Kate.

[Travis McElroy]

Hi, Kate.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi, nice to meet you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Nice to meet you, too.

[Audience Member]

So polite. Kate, did you have a question we could help you with, Kate?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes, I did. So, I work for one of the largest environmental organizations in the world, but I don't like to go outside.

[Audience Member]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

So I need some advice on how to bond with my coworkers who are very outdoorsy people. And bird watching doesn't work because I hate birds.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Say no more.

[Travis McElroy]

Is it possible they're outdoorsy people because they don't know TV exists?

[Audience Member]

Have you told them about tv?

[Justin McElroy]

I've tried. We, like, are trying to fight climate change, though, so maybe they don't want the electricity.

[Griffin McElroy]

TV doesn't do anything about climate change.

[Travis McElroy]

TV's fine.

[Griffin McElroy]

All the climate change.

[Travis McElroy]

Thinking about fossil fuels. Yeah. TV don't run on fossil fuels.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, no, no.

[Travis McElroy]

TV runs on Young Sheldon.

[Griffin McElroy]

TV have. Sorry, I know this gets confusing. TV have Young Sheldon and Amazing Race. It doesn't do anything to the environment. TV is great and neutral and we're all pretty much in agreement on that.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Have you tried canoes?

[Justin McElroy]

Canoes are usually outside, though.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, I know. I'm just looking for outside stuff you might like.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, sorry. We are going to suggest some outside stuff.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

But please take to heart, if we.

[Audience Member]

Suggest outside stuff, you should probably take.

[Griffin McElroy]

That with a tremendous amount of weight and power because we are also not huge outside fans. So anything we find out there that is the least bit worthwhile if we bring it to your doorstep, I guarantee you that's got the seal of approval right there.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, Kate, it's made me think, when you say you don't like outside, to what degree? Because you had to go outside at least to get here.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Right. So you don't like it because it's strenuous.

[Audience Member]

You just don't like to be in nature. Right?

[Justin McElroy]

I don't like bugs, for one. I also don't like the sun. As you can tell, I'm very pale and Irish, so it's not good for me then.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, you should have some Carve outs. In your contract with this organization, you say, I'm here to help the environment and global warming. I guess not a huge sun fan, which I guess we're fighting the sun, so kick ass.

[Travis McElroy]

And if all bugs kind of beef.

[Griffin McElroy]

It, if we could fight against bugs, is that okay?

[Travis McElroy]

How many of them do we need?

[Audience Member]

We need a lot.

[Travis McElroy]

A lot of them.

[Audience Member]

There's so many, you'd be shocked.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah. Like 10.

[Audience Member]

Scientists say that there's millions and millions of bugs all over the earth. Travis, that's millions with an M.2 million bugs. Trav, there could be three to four bugs on you right now. Sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

So why'd you get this job?

[Travis McElroy]

For the money. Where the money.

[Justin McElroy]

Nonprofits make a lot of money.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that's where the cash is.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, for real. You have. Why? What is it about this job? What is it that attracted you to this position?

[Justin McElroy]

So I live near D.C. of course. So I work on the policy side of things, which is more indoor environmentalism. But my colleagues, a lot of them work in the field, so I have a hard time bonding with them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right. I understand that after you have saved.

[Audience Member]

Outdoors, they're going to be happy that you're not hogging it.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

You know what I mean? After the work is done and outdoors is safe for good, they'll be out there ultimate frisbeeing or what have you, and they'll be like, there's. It's actually getting a little crowded. If you go. Go back indoors now, that would be great for us.

[Travis McElroy]

You know what outdoorsy people who do like extreme stuff and like rock climb and everything. You know what? They really like telling people about being outdoors and doing rock climbing stuff and everything. So you can just be receptive to that. And you can't one up. It's not like I climbed a rock and you're like, I climbed some stairs.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, you can. You can one up it because you. When they tell you about all their cool outdoor stuff, you say, huh? Well, they say take only memories, leave only footprints. I'm not even doing that. I have no impact on nature.

[Audience Member]

I have left the memories for you to scoop them up. The memories are still up there.

[Travis McElroy]

Bring me back some memories.

[Audience Member]

Bring me back some memories.

[Griffin McElroy]

And where there is no footprints in the sand. That was me at home watching young Sheldon.

[Audience Member]

Does that help?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I'll just one up them, tell them I'm a better environmentalist.

[Audience Member]

Absolutely. Don't mess it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fantastic.

[Travis McElroy]

There you go.

[Audience Member]

Fantastic. Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you.

[Audience Member]

Thank you. Young Shelton then too, if he may.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you. If you're here.

[Audience Member]

He's always on the list.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you. Bazinga. Let's do it. Hello.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi.

[Travis McElroy]

Hi.

[E]

I'm Bonnie D. Hi, Bonnie. I have 12,000 Orbeez sitting in my classroom that I don't know what to do with.

[Audience Member]

You sound like the villain in a kid's version of speed. I have 12,000 Orbeez set to deploy in the New York City water system.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey there, hot shot.

[Travis McElroy]

You have 12. If you don't skivity your Ohio right now, I'm gonna get these Orbeez. Did I use any of those right now?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think so. Okay, you have 12,000 orbeez because of a class activity that left you with a bunch of orphaned orbeez.

[Audience Member]

If you don't know about orbeez, by the way, they're tiny hard spheres that when they get wet, are even worse. Right.

[E]

Basically, therein lies the problem. They were bought for a school wide dance we had because for some reason I decided I would take on centerpieces. And I've never used orbeez before. So I bought like a pouch, you know, this big.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

And somebody on staff said, go ahead, put them all in one of these big like six quart tubs and fill it with water and they'll absorb right up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[E]

So they did and I started making the centerpieces. And then I'd come in the next day and they were all over the floor. So I take some out and refill them to make it invisible. And then I.

[Griffin McElroy]

We've all learned that lesson.

[E]

Do it again.

[Griffin McElroy]

Orbeez gets. And I come in Orbe Skip spits.

[E]

Mind you. I have outlets in the floor because I teach children's engineering. Like everything's plugged in.

[Griffin McElroy]

So not great.

[E]

I can't have water on the floor.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Or wet balls.

[Travis McElroy]

I've never used orbeez them because they.

[E]

Want to go in them all.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. Yes. Not ideal.

[Travis McElroy]

I've never used Orbeez before. Do they keep getting bigger over time?

[Audience Member]

Yeah. And more fragile?

[E]

I say they don't, but they do. They keep growing.

[Travis McElroy]

Do they dry out?

[E]

Therein lies the problem.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, go on.

[E]

This is why I need help.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you. You've said that more than once in your description of it.

[Audience Member]

It's like a nesting doll of problems.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's like many problems.

[Audience Member]

Problem is inside the next problem.

[Travis McElroy]

Bonnie, I think the problem is you have 12, 000.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, we understand the problem. It's the gravity of the problem.

[E]

Put them in a trash can for the custodians to have to carry away.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, because what if they throw it in a wet dumpster and it destroys the school?

[E]

What if the ball. Like what if the bag breaks and there's orbeez everywhere and it's raining?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, absolutely.

[E]

Because I tried the thing where I left them on the counter for a few days. They were filled on May 27 and my librarian texted me that they're still in my classroom full. They haven't gone anywhere.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I mean you're gonna.

[Audience Member]

So they're not drying out.

[E]

I tried drying them out in the classroom, but the kids kept punching the foil I'd put on top to go in them.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think this would.

[E]

So I put them outside.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think this checks one of the boxes. For like the sainthood test. Yeah, like, I think that. I don't know what other miracles you may or may not have performed in your life. Also, I think that sainthood is only rewarded posthumously. So it's maybe a bit of a bummer to talk about, but remember this, that you made infinite orbeez one time.

[Travis McElroy]

When you're buried alive in Orvis. I mean, at this point now, Bonnie, I've come up with just a foolproof solution of how you can not have to worry about these orbeez anymore. But before I tell you, I do have to ask you, how much do you like your job?

[E]

Yeah, I kind of enjoy that.

[Griffin McElroy]

You kind of enjoy your job.

[Travis McElroy]

Then you shouldn't just quit and leave the orbeez there for someone else to deal with. Okay, cool. Move on.

[Audience Member]

I did that.

[E]

Which is why I got the text. Because I left them outside to dry them in the sun. Yeah, the last week of school. And then kind of forgot. I put them outside, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then birds ate.

[E]

But then it rained and they reabsorbed.

[Griffin McElroy]

Son of a gun.

[Audience Member]

Damn it. Have we considered the possibility that Pennywise's big problem is that he doesn't have no orbeez?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

And maybe, maybe if some kind hearted soul dumped 12,000 of those motherfuckers right down there with Pennywise, he would either a be killed. That's excellent.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey man, it's me, Pennywise. What the fuck, dude? Like I know. I get it. I'm Pennywise. I'm kind of a piece of shit. But this is a bridge too far.

[Griffin McElroy]

My house is so wet, you guys.

[Travis McElroy]

Not cool, bro.

[Griffin McElroy]

Not cool.

[Audience Member]

I guess what we're saying is use them to kill Pennywise.

[Griffin McElroy]

Pennywise. Does that help? Yeah, it helps us.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Excellent. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you so much.

[Griffin McElroy]

Beautiful Orbeez.

[Travis McElroy]

Behold.

[Audience Member]

Orbeez.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hi. How's it going?

[Justin McElroy]

Good. My name is Ariana. My pronouns are she, her.

[Audience Member]

Hi, Ariana.

[Justin McElroy]

And my question is, how do I sneak a squatty potty into the bathroom at my work?

[Griffin McElroy]

I just. You may not be able to appreciate this just based on where you are in the room, but I. I distinctly heard one person over here say. Yes. Yes.

[Audience Member]

I heard it too. Yes. Raise your. Can you just raise your hand real quick? We're not going to call you out or anything. Yeah, it's fucking great.

[Griffin McElroy]

Amazing.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you. How many people work at where you work?

[Justin McElroy]

Like eight or nine.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. Damn.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the perfect number to really flummox us. I feel like.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that's a.

[Travis McElroy]

Like hundreds of people. Anyone could have brought that squatty potty in.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you able to get in the office super duper early before anyone else gets in there?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, okay. Well, that's. That's not a very funny answer though, is it?

[Audience Member]

Wait, what if you went in and. Okay, go in, put the squatty potty in, leave a note on it that says, from home base, you all are doing a great job.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Keep it up special. Keep this in place.

[Travis McElroy]

Of course, we'll check it.

[Audience Member]

Don't ask any questions. There's another note underneath. Okay. Don't ask any questions about it and don't touch it. And don't be weird about it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, if you wanted it to be believable, you would leave a note that said, hey, this is home base. Y'all have been taking way too long in here. This little footstool, believe it or not, is really gonna help you blast off.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, you could prepare a PowerPoint for your boss. Like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna fucking crush Vicious. And here's my one step plan. Squatty potties. Let's go. Just save you $30 per enum.

[Travis McElroy]

Now what if you brought the squatty potty in?

[Griffin McElroy]

Does everyone know what a squatty potty is? Because otherwise we see.

[Audience Member]

Hold on a second. I'm sure Paul's looking for a picture.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much, Paul. It's a little footstool. It helps you unkink your rectangle.

[Audience Member]

This is how God wants you to shit? Yeah. He wants you just to squat and poop. That's what the Marshall says. So this is how the marshals can't lie.

[Travis McElroy]

They're on the team.

[Audience Member]

Why would. Let me just say, why would they sell if it didn't work?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. Thank you so much.

[Travis McElroy]

Is it possible that you could sneak the squatty potty in piece by piece. Oh, that's actually what I was thinking. Slow. And I know it's all one big piece of plastic, but you're gonna cut it up a little bit and then hot glue it back together and eventually. Yeah, it will just always have been there.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. That's my current working plan.

[Audience Member]

If I can't do anything different, that's a bad idea. It will be instantly cleaned up right away. It makes it the most noticeable way of doing it. There's going to be stories in the newspaper about it. Please don't do it like that.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's how Andy Dufresne would do it. And it's not how a person should do it at the place that they work at.

[Justin McElroy]

I can promise that it will. Would not get immediately cleaned up, though.

[Audience Member]

Can you wait?

[Griffin McElroy]

What do you mean?

[Travis McElroy]

You work at a dirty, filthy.

[Justin McElroy]

If I were to start building a squatty potty in the bathroom piece by piece, they would just.

[Griffin McElroy]

People would leave it.

[Justin McElroy]

Somebody would clean it up.

[Travis McElroy]

So why are you worried about bringing one in at all? Sounds like nobody gives a. If you will.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, I get it.

[Audience Member]

You.

[Griffin McElroy]

Once you've done it once, it's like, yeah, that's right. Shoot. I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

[Audience Member]

It does. How many. Okay, I'm gonna ask how many in the room where you'll be putting it. Is there just one commode? Yes. Okay. Thank goodness. Because if there were two and you just brought one in, people would always know which one you use. They're already gonna get that a little bit.

[Travis McElroy]

Right.

[Audience Member]

They're gonna know that that's your star player.

[Travis McElroy]

They're gonna know that.

[Audience Member]

They're gonna know that it's essential enough member of your team that you want armored like all your guys.

[Travis McElroy]

There were two, and you only rot one. And then you get in there and somebody's in that stall, and you'd have to be like, hey, could you pass that over?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's actually my way.

[Travis McElroy]

It's actually mine. I brought it from home. If you could scoot it under the wall.

[Audience Member]

I don't want to make this weird, but scoot it over.

[Travis McElroy]

It has my name on it. So if you. How.

[Griffin McElroy]

How much, like, stock and power do you have in this organization?

[Justin McElroy]

Not very much.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, shoot.

[Travis McElroy]

How much do you like your job?

[Justin McElroy]

Not very much.

[Travis McElroy]

Bring it in.

[Griffin McElroy]

Bring it in. Yeah, actually, that's great.

[Audience Member]

Does. Does that help?

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, bring it in and then take it with you when you quit.

[Audience Member]

Oh, of course.

[Travis McElroy]

They're gonna be so like, oh, no.

[Audience Member]

We were all used to it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or when you leave every day you show you. You punch the clock and then wave to everybody like hey, and you got it right?

[Travis McElroy]

Chain it. Yeah. You have a bike lock.

[Audience Member]

You put it on it every night.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or just never speak again at your job. Only communicate through intense glances while hugging your squatty potty like the fucking log lady for the rest of your career.

[Audience Member]

There.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. Perfect.

[Griffin McElroy]

Natural. That helps that good.

[Audience Member]

And you carry it with you all the time. No one needs to know.

[Travis McElroy]

It's for the toilet now it's just for you.

[Justin McElroy]

My emotional support. Squatty.

[Griffin McElroy]

Squatty body.

[Audience Member]

For sure.

[Griffin McElroy]

Does that help?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Great. Awesome. Thank you so much. Hello. Hello. That's a great shirt.

[Audience Member]

Thanks. So my pronouns are he, him and my question.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, what's your name? Sorry.

[Audience Member]

It's part of the question. So how do I react when people comment on that? My name is Kevin Klein.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Holy shit. Did you guys have any idea that Kevin Klein was a fan of my brother, my brother and me?

[Audience Member]

How much harder has it been considered the fact that you kind of sound a little bit like Kevin Clyde? Cuz that's got to make things a lot more fun. Have you been working on that, Kevin? So I've only ever seen two things he's been in, which are Bob's Burgers, right? And Rotel Dorado. I've never seen a fish named Wanda or anything like that.

[Griffin McElroy]

In and out. There's a lot of pretty good Kevin Klein flicks out.

[Travis McElroy]

Dave, Dave.

[Audience Member]

Dave. Yeah, he's hot.

[Griffin McElroy]

My boy King Klein is in mad pictures.

[Audience Member]

Have you Wild Wild West.

[Travis McElroy]

Nope, I'm talking about Kevin fucking Klein over here.

[Audience Member]

Have you intentionally avoided the Kevin Klein Aurora? A little bit. Really? Okay, so you steer clear of his pictures.

[Travis McElroy]

Here's what I'll say about your parents naming you Kevin Klein. Is that when it comes time to name a child, there's a lot of thought and work that goes into it because you don't know what it's going to be like, what their life is going to be like.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right.

[Travis McElroy]

But at this point, with the last name Klein, you know Kevin works.

[Audience Member]

Right?

[Travis McElroy]

Because Kevin Klein has been very successful up until your.

[Audience Member]

What year were you born in? If you don't Want to ask? 93.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh yeah. Peak Kevin Klein.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, for sure.

[Audience Member]

Paul, what kind of year is Kevin Klein having in 93? Because I feel like he's aces. He's on fire.

[Griffin McElroy]

Smoking bucket after bucket after bucket.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, I'm January, man. Yeah, that's just more sexy pictures of Kevin.

[Travis McElroy]

Look at that, man. Is Dave93.

[Audience Member]

He's on Kevincline.com.

[Griffin McElroy]

God, you pulled a slideshow. Wait, you just showed us that Those were already on your computer before.

[Audience Member]

That's what I'm saying. He always saves. This is just on his hard drive. Do people ever want to talk to you more about Kevin Klein and some of their thoughts about Kevin Klein?

[Travis McElroy]

Dave was 93.

[Audience Member]

Come on.

[Griffin McElroy]

Crushed it.

[Travis McElroy]

Wow.

[Audience Member]

It's usually more like a throwaway comment, like, oh, like the actor. And it's like, yeah, oh, well, Kevin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let me go ahead and tell you that's not that bad. You got to take those on the chin. There's way worse stuff people can say in response to your name.

[Audience Member]

I bet I was almost named Calvin Klein. Yeah, dog.

[Griffin McElroy]

That would have been way, way worse.

[Audience Member]

Way better for us, though. I mean, we can all agree that would have been. I mean, we could have a lot of fun with that. With the underwear stuff and everything. Yeah, sure. Do you want to change it to Calvin? No, not at all.

[Travis McElroy]

What about Kelvin? And then when you tell people my name's Calvin Klein and they're like, oh, like the design, you say, no, like the temperature.

[Griffin McElroy]

Does that help?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

I'll watch more movies.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, you should.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much, Kevin.

[Audience Member]

Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'll never forget you.

[Audience Member]

That's the most disappointed anyone's ever been to watch a Kevin Klein picture.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, shit.

[Audience Member]

He's so charismatic.

[Travis McElroy]

Start with Wild, Wild West. Don't end with Wild, Wild West.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hello.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello. I'm Shannon Sheher.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hi, Shannon.

[Audience Member]

Hello. Hi.

[Justin McElroy]

I need you to choose my classroom theme for next year, because I was thinking there, like. Like frogs or. I wanted to make it like a medieval castle, but I pulled my students at the end of the year, and overwhelmingly Shrek was the choice.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. I'm so excited about this because mainly what I want to know, like, what grade is this classroom?

[Justin McElroy]

Sixth grade English.

[Travis McElroy]

And they love Shrek that much every year?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

They still love it every year. So much every year. They love Shrek.

[Audience Member]

It's been a decade since Shrek has haunted the theaters, and yet he's so large in our two decades.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hearts.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And. And in physical space, he's a big. I got.

[Audience Member]

I got big news for you.

[Travis McElroy]

Shrek's a frog.

[Audience Member]

So, like, you, in a sense, already won is a giant frog man. And if they were like, what are you thinking for the frog prom? It was a prom, I think. What are you thinking for the frog pom? You're like, if I'm going to have a giant man dressed like a frog, you'd be like, hell yes. That sounds awesome. Well, you're doing that anyway by having Shrek president, you're booking Shrek, right?

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, you mentioned, you mentioned a frog. You mentioned a frog prom in your question, right?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. You were talking about frog prom and if you should hire Shrek to come to your frog prom.

[Griffin McElroy]

Justin was only kind of listening, but you mentioned how do you get Shrek to come to your frog?

[Travis McElroy]

You were saying you're designing a prom for sixth graders and you dig a bowl. The sixth graders are like, like, yeah, we want Shrek at our prom.

[Griffin McElroy]

Our frog prom.

[Travis McElroy]

We got our Shrek there.

[Griffin McElroy]

He's the most famous frog.

[Travis McElroy]

Of course he's got a castle shaped cake.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. The important thing is not how close I listen. It's how much fun everybody has. I don't know if you guys know this.

[Griffin McElroy]

You are going to be looking at iconography of whatever you choose for what, nine calendar months or so. I think Shrek would be more fun to see than a bunch of frogs or, I don't know, some parapets. I don't know what castle theme looks like turrets.

[Travis McElroy]

Now what you could do is you could incorporate Shrek in such a way that you have several different maybe representations of Shrek. And depending on their behavior the day before, maybe Shrek's disappointed in them next day. Or maybe Shrek's very proud of them the next day. Maybe Shrek's a little concerned the next day.

[Audience Member]

Hey, hey, let me ask you. You wanted castles, right? And they got Shrek.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, close.

[Audience Member]

But Shrek's a fantasy character. So do you just hate Shrek? Cause you definitely could have done castles.

[Travis McElroy]

As part of Shrek. It's harder to incorporate a castle in frog prom. I guess if you do like a frog prancing. What's frog prom?

[Audience Member]

I don't know where you keep getting that.

[Travis McElroy]

You're right. I mean, to be fair, in the second one in Shrek 2, his father in law is a frog prince.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, that's very true, I think.

[Travis McElroy]

Why do I know that?

[Justin McElroy]

I'm okay on Shrek? I don't hate Shrek.

[Travis McElroy]

You're okay?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, we actually did so good.

[Audience Member]

Funny enough because he's very funny.

[Griffin McElroy]

He's really fucking funny.

[Travis McElroy]

You got a thing against ogres because they're like onions? We actually, they got layers.

[Griffin McElroy]

He's a frog, not an ogre. I don't know what you're talking about. Also, we actually have forgotten up to this point. And we gotta be better about this, boys. We actually make everyone who comes up to the microphone during the live Q and A portion of this show, give a plea that they don't hate Shrek. And so I'm glad that you have reminded us.

[Audience Member]

It's like a loyalty. You know what I mean?

[Justin McElroy]

A plea.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Just do Shrek.

[Travis McElroy]

No, no, I want to hear it now. Tell us your deepest thoughts on Shrek and convince us you don't hate him.

[Audience Member]

I want to hear the truth. Your truth. Not the public face you put on.

[Travis McElroy]

I want to know when you're all alone at night looking at yourself in.

[Audience Member]

The mirror like Shrek and you're all alone, you meet Shrek. What are you thinking?

[Travis McElroy]

Would you rather be alone in the woods with a man or a Shrek?

[Audience Member]

Does it. Is it just. I mean, what do you think of Shrek? Even Travis's joke is not gonna distract me. What do you think of Shrek? Tell me all your thoughts on Shrek.

[Justin McElroy]

I saw Shrek in theaters in 2001.

[Audience Member]

That was legally mandated. That means.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, the first and second ones are very good. I saw the second one in theaters as well.

[Audience Member]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

It's not my favorite movie of all time.

[Audience Member]

Okay. I'm not trying to Shrek keep.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't hate Shrek.

[Audience Member]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Please. No.

[Audience Member]

We know you wouldn't be here if you.

[Travis McElroy]

If you hated Shrek.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, we would know instantly, actually. We know. That's part of the test is we always know. Right?

[Travis McElroy]

There was security outside to check for that.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that's what they were there for. Does that help do?

[Travis McElroy]

No, it doesn't.

[Audience Member]

Oh, wait, no. Griffin's right.

[Travis McElroy]

Griffin's right.

[Audience Member]

Griffin's right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do frogs and castles in the same. And then if they say, sorry, guys, they were out of Shrek stuff at the party supply store. So we have to pretend that this castle frog is a Shrek.

[Audience Member]

Tell us the best Shrek. Tell. This is the best Shrek. You can draw this habits to look exactly like a frog.

[Travis McElroy]

Say maybe if you guys.

[Griffin McElroy]

Maybe.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a castle frog and not Shrek. It's the best we could do. Maybe if you guys had brought in more box tops for education last year.

[Travis McElroy]

We could get real fucking Shrek.

[Audience Member]

Sell a few more chocolate bars.

[Griffin McElroy]

Does that help very much?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cool. Awesome. Thank you so much. Hey, what's up?

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, brothers.

[Audience Member]

This is Adam, and I like Shrek. Great.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, is that as a friend or like. Like, like, come on.

[Audience Member]

So I have a lot of rocks and minerals. I'm a geologist, and I want to find.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

What just happened?

[Audience Member]

That happened.

[Travis McElroy]

Lot of Stoners here, that's what they call Travis Patrick. That's what they call big fans of rocks.

[Audience Member]

So I want to find an inconspicuous way I can have my rocks or minerals out to show friends and get them to ask questions about.

[Griffin McElroy]

You want to talk about your rocks, but in a way where it doesn't seem like you're trying to force the conversation.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, and not small ones either. Like, I have bigger rocks.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, okay, we get it, Adam. You don't have to keep bragging about how big your rocks are.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can cool. Your rocks are.

[Travis McElroy]

Every time we hang out with this guy, I'm telling you. Oh, look at my big rocks.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's your current like? How many rocks you got out? How many rocks you got out? If I walk in your living room and look around, just how many rocks am I clocking?

[Audience Member]

Maybe like 10 to 30. Adam. Wait, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam.

[Travis McElroy]

10 to 30?

[Audience Member]

It's not 10, is it? Adam, Adam. Go ahead and tell me it's not 10, is it? No, it's not 10. I didn't think it was 10 Russian nesting rocks.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it's like 30 to 1500.

[Audience Member]

Don't help me categorize my shape.

[Travis McElroy]

I live in a cairn. It's fine.

[Audience Member]

Would it be weird for you to spill a box of rocks and be like, oh, no, they're so beautiful. Help me pick them up. I'll tell you about each one.

[Travis McElroy]

When someone comes over, have all the rocks out, like on the couch and all the chairs and go, oh, let me move these. And then as you move each one, say the name of it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that's cool. Excuse me.

[Audience Member]

Embarrassing.

[Travis McElroy]

Sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is so embarrassing. I was solving a rocks mystery. Let me just put these away.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm something of a rocks detective. He's called a geologist.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let me tell you tell you all about.

[Audience Member]

I was just about to name this one, actually. Perhaps Kimberly Kimberlite. Kimberlite, perhaps Kimberlite.

[Griffin McElroy]

I tell you what would do it for me, Adam, is if I rolled up in your place and it was incredibly minimalist, except for the one single rock that you had out for display.

[Travis McElroy]

How big, Griffin?

[Griffin McElroy]

Any fucking size. If there's nothing else in the room except for one eye catching rock, I'm gonna need to know everything about that before we talk about anything else.

[Travis McElroy]

When someone comes visit your house for the first time, right, and you're showing them around, take them to her, take them to the room, right? And say, this is my rock collection. And you open the door and there's one rock in there.

[Audience Member]

And they're like.

[Travis McElroy]

I thought you said rock collection. You say, I'm just getting started.

[Audience Member]

Is this for your home or office?

[Travis McElroy]

Really? Anywhere?

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, if you're a geologist, the world's. Your office is all rocks.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, it's a really good point.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, do you have any moon rocks?

[Audience Member]

No.

[Travis McElroy]

Damn it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Damn. That's so disappointing, Adam.

[Audience Member]

It might be good, Adam, if you started a rock of the day. So you would have, like. I heard a few people.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, are there neurodivergent people in here?

[Audience Member]

Okay, I heard a rock of the day, right? So it's like one circle and it says rock of the day, and you put a different rock there every day. And people. People could come by and ask about that rock. That's good, too, because they're not gonna catch you slipping. Yeah, they're not gonna be like, tell me about this one. You're like, fuck, I don't know about that one, dammit.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, you have its trading card pulled up and ready to go. I would like to hear just my applause out of curiosity, knowing that Adam is a geologist, expert in rocks. He wants to talk about rocks. How many people in this room would like to hear, like, details about rocks? I mean.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, conditional applause if I don't have any other cool stuff I've got going on?

[Audience Member]

Yeah, bargain.

[Travis McElroy]

Better getting down with a romantic partner, if you guys know what I mean.

[Audience Member]

Is there a guitar professor next door or something that you have to worry about or.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, you like rock and roll? Well, let me show you some rocks to that roll. Oh, you like getting your rocks off? Well, let's get our rock on.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesus Christ.

[Audience Member]

We'll be excused from the premises, Adam. Does that help?

[Travis McElroy]

Immensely.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much, Adam. That also works.

[Audience Member]

There we go.

[Travis McElroy]

All right.

[Audience Member]

All right. If you could shut the house lights off, making sure Adam's safely too.

[Travis McElroy]

I had one more. If I could do it out. Oh, you won't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm a geologist, right? And it's like a.

[Audience Member]

That one is it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much for joining us here. Thank you. Thank you for these beautiful trophies. Thank you for making us feel like real winners. Thank you to the Capitol One hall, for having us.

[Audience Member]

Thanks to everybody who made this tour possible, like Paul Sporn, Rachel, Amanda and Jack.

[Griffin McElroy]

And thank you so much to Kate May for this incredible tour poster.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

We signed a bunch of them out in the lobby. They might still be out there, I don't know. Y'all have been incredible. Seriously, fantastic. This is truly wild to do this here and do a sold out show. You all are remarkable. Thank you so very, very, very much.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, so thank you to Montaigne.

[Audience Member]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

For the use of our theme song My Life is better with you. It's a club banger every time. Hey.

[Travis McElroy]

I always get so tripped on that because I'm just so excited that I remembered it and Griffin did.

[Griffin McElroy]

I know that I get the first.

[Travis McElroy]

Four words out and then my brain starts high fiving itself and I forget to say the rest of the sentence.

[Griffin McElroy]

We, at the end of our live shows we like to lift a wish up to Fungalore. He doesn't need any help hearing them, but it's symbolic and so.

[Travis McElroy]

And he appreciates it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'd like to read this one that someone sent in ahead of time and maybe you could lead the congregation in a bit of a. I don't like that. Like a cleansing sonic bath. So like raise this up.

[Audience Member]

So okay, so I'm going to start.

[Travis McElroy]

Low and it's going to build up as Justin's doing.

[Audience Member]

You do it.

[Travis McElroy]

You have to do it too. Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

I wish that Capital One CEO Rich Fairbank would play Magic the Gathering with me.

[Audience Member]

My name is Jack Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

My name is Travis McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin McElroy. Say my brother.

[Audience Member]

My brother me. Kiss your dad square on the lips. It's better with you. My life, it's better.

[Travis McElroy]

It's better with you.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's better My life.

[Audience Member]

It'S better. It's better with you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cuz it's.

[Audience Member]

It's better. It's better with you. My life, it's better with you. Maximum Fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

A worker owned network of artist owned.

[Audience Member]

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