MBMBaM 740: Ten Percent Kissy Face

Summary

Podcast Summary: MBMBaM 740: Ten Percent Kissy Face

Podcast Information:

• Title: My Brother, My Brother And Me
• Hosts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy
• Episode: MBMBaM 740: Ten Percent Kissy Face
• Release Date: December 2, 2024
• Description: Free advice from three of the world's most qualified, most related experts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy. For one-half to three-quarters of an hour every Monday, they tell people how to live their lives, because they're obviously doing such a great job of it so far.

---

1. Introduction and Product Promotion

Griffin McElroy kicks off the episode with his trademark humor, clarifying that the brothers are not real experts despite Travis's self-proclaimed title as a "sexpert." He also humorously notes that the show isn't intended for kids, giving a playful shoutout to the "cool babies" tuning in (00:00).

Travis McElroy then launches into an impromptu song, setting a whimsical tone before Justin McElroy formally welcomes listeners to the show as an advice show for the modern era (01:10-(01:24)(#)).

2. Travis’ Yogurt Line: Progert

The conversation swiftly shifts to Travis discussing his latest entrepreneurial venture: Progert, a yogurt line marketed as the first and only shelf-stable yogurt designed "for gamers by gamers," exclusively available at GameStop (01:37-(03:21)(#)).

Notable Quotes:

• Travis: "I'm taking this very seriously. I need to address some controversies surrounding" (00:21).
• Travis: "Progert is actually formulated for 18 up. If kids eat it, we don't know what will happen" (05:38).

Key Points:

• Mold Controversy: Videos surfaced showing mold in flavors like Sonic Strawberry Slam and Master Chief's Mango Madness. Justin criticizes Travis's initial joke about mold being part of a flood, but Travis insists the mold is intentional, claiming it contains penicillin to enhance gamers' health and gaming performance (03:02-(03:53)(#)).

• Licensing Issues: Travis asserts that he has personal connections with Sonic and Master Chief, implying that their likenesses were used with their approval. Griffin humorously disputes this, pointing out the lack of official licensing (04:10-(05:17)(#)).

3. Travis' Off Broadway Performance

Justin and Griffin delve into Travis' upcoming Off Broadway performance with the production titled "The 20 Sided Tavern." They discuss Travis's preparation and the nature of Off Broadway compared to Broadway, highlighting his solo performance without the constant support of his brothers on stage (07:09-(08:28)(#)).

Notable Quotes:

• Griffin: "You're there now when people are listening to this. Are you rubbing elbows with Jack?" (07:18).
• Travis: "I am the Jizzard, a sorcerer who is too potent" (10:00).

Key Points:

• Character Development: They brainstorm character ideas for Travis, with Griffin suggesting a sorcerer named "the Jizzard" who struggles with his own potency, reflecting their signature blend of absurd humor and creativity (09:03-(11:45)(#)).

• Performance Challenges: Travis expresses concerns about performing without his brothers' input, while Griffin offers humorous suggestions to help Travis stay in character and manage stage presence (10:06-(11:45)(#)).

4. Advice Segment: The 'Ten Percent Kissy Face' Incident

The main advice segment revolves around Justin receiving a text from his girlfriend which inadvertently caused him to partially mimic a kissy face when trying to thank his bus driver. Justin seeks advice on handling such social faux pas (16:13-(33:22)(#)).

Notable Quotes:

• Justin: "Instead of a thank you, I felt my lips start to purse up in a kissy shape. Oh, wow. I panicked and froze my lips and just walked off without saying anything to him" (30:38).
• Justin: "If you find your face going, mwah, the only shot you have is to just throw your right hand up and add the chef's kiss thing and just add a pin" (33:12).

Key Points:

• Human Error: Justin shares a relatable experience of accidentally displaying affection inappropriately, prompting a discussion on managing unintended social expressions.

• Humorous Solutions: The brothers offer a blend of practical and comedic advice, such as using gestures to mask the accidental expression or openly embracing the mishap with humor (32:37-(33:22)(#)).

Notable Exchange:

• Justin: "So crisis averted. But what if I had blown a kiss at the bus driver? What's the advice for after that?" (30:40)
• Griffin: "We have to handle these moments with grace and a bit of humor" (Throughout the segment).

5. Munch Squad Segment: Unusual Food Promotions

In the Munch Squad segment, the brothers explore bizarre and humorous food product promotions, including Pizza Hut’s new "Pizza Wine" and Baskin Robbins' "Cheese Board Inspired Ice Cream Turkey" (35:18-(43:45)(#)).

Notable Quotes:

• Justin: "Pizza wine... capturing the essence of your favorite slice at every sip" (36:00).
• Travis: "It's marinara sauce wine" (39:31).
• Justin: "Bitch." (41:58).

Key Points:

• Pizza Wine: Justin describes Pizza Hut’s limited-edition tomato-based wine intended to pair with their pizzas, humorously critiquing its concept and execution (36:08-(38:29)(#)).

• Cheese Ice Cream Turkey: Justin shares a press release about Baskin Robbins introducing a cheese-infused ice cream turkey cake, which the brothers mockingly deconstruct, questioning the practicality and taste (41:22-(43:45)(#)).

Discussion Highlights:

• Innovation vs. Practicality: The brothers humorously debate the viability of such novel products, emphasizing the absurdity and potential market reactions.

• Social Implications: They touch on how bringing such items to social gatherings could overshadow personal contributions and create awkwardness (44:13-(45:23)(#)).

6. Closing Remarks and Promotions

While the user requested to skip advertisements, intros, and outros, specific promotions about Rocket Money and Aura Frames are briefly mentioned towards the end (30:36-(32:27)(#)), along with announcements about upcoming shows and merchandise. However, these sections are typically skipped in detailed content summaries unless they contain pertinent content, which in this case, they do not add to the episode's main discussions.

---

Conclusion:

In this engaging episode of My Brother, My Brother And Me, the McElroy brothers blend their trademark humor with insightful (and often hilariously flawed) advice. From Travis' entrepreneurial mishaps with his yogurt line to navigating accidental displays of affection, and dissecting bizarre food product promotions, the episode is a testament to their unique ability to entertain while providing unconventional guidance. Notable moments include Travis' unwavering belief in his product despite obvious flaws, and the brothers' collaborative brainstorming that ranges from creative character development to absurd culinary critiques.

Key Takeaways:

• Embrace Humor: The brothers highlight the importance of laughing at oneself, especially in awkward social situations.
• Questioning Innovations: They encourage listeners to critically evaluate new products and ideas, balancing creativity with practicality.
• Sibling Dynamics: The seamless interplay between Justin, Travis, and Griffin underscores the value of familial bonds and diverse perspectives in problem-solving.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin: "If you find your face going, mwah, the only shot you have is to just throw your right hand up and add the chef's kiss thing and just add a pin" (33:12).
• Griffin: "Every teacher should have guns... Every teacher should be stronger than the people they're teaching" (25:19).
• Travis: "Progert is formulated for 18 up. If kids eat it, we don't know what will happen" (05:38).

This episode encapsulates the essence of MBMBaM—a blend of humor, advice, and brotherly banter that keeps listeners entertained and engaged.

Transcript

[Griffin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? 1, 2, 3.

[Travis McElroy]

It's the start of something beautiful A small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into a precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life, it feels like life it's better, it's better with you My life, it's better it's better with you this is who you are it's better, it's better with two.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What is up, Trav Nation? It's me, your middlest brother, Travis. Big dog. Woof woof. McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

What is also up, Trav Nation? I am the sweet baby brother. Are we trying to see. Is it like a game to see how long a pregnant pause we can get going in here or.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm taking this very seriously. I need to address. There's some controversies surrounding. So as everyone in Travnation knows, I've released my line of yogurt, Progert, the first and only shelf stable yogurt.

[Griffin McElroy]

Now, how did you acquire gamers?

[Travis McElroy]

I'm not done. Made for gamers by gamers, available exclusively at GameStop.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gamers made the yogurt at GameStop?

[Travis McElroy]

They didn't make it at GameStop. It was just available exclusively.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, they make it at your.

[Griffin McElroy]

I thought GameStop.

[Travis McElroy]

Probably my laboratories.

[Griffin McElroy]

I thought GameStop had started to host sort of yogurt workshops and that's my mistake for assuming that.

[Travis McElroy]

And there's been some videos going around of people opening both the Sonic Strawberry Slam and Master Chief's Mango Madness and finding mold inside.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, mango mold, master mold or just regular mold?

[Travis McElroy]

As far as we can tell, Regular mold.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it the dang flood again? Getting stinky up there, causing all kinds of chaos.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm sorry, that's really tasteless. Much like the yogurt itself. Griffin, that's utterly tasteless.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're right, that was a poor joke. And it was made at the expense of my brother Travis and the thank you and the countless dead because of this moldy shelf stable and the Travatars.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, don't forget about. They rely.

[Griffin McElroy]

What are those?

[Justin McElroy]

They're the citizens of Trav Nation. I thought they were Travatars.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, those are. Actually. Travatars are half Trav Nation citizens. Half normal citizens.

[Griffin McElroy]

They have half Navi.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Half Na'vi.

[Justin McElroy]

Na'vi Citizens of Trav Nation are called Travitation.

[Griffin McElroy]

So the shelf stability, it sounds like, is maybe a marketing bullet point and not a.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, I spoke with my team of Sigma scientists who have their PhDs in gamer gastronomy, and they have informed me. Yeah, they have informed me that the mold is part of it.

[Griffin McElroy]

The mold is part of the.

[Travis McElroy]

Is intentional. That gamers need the mold to power them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

And they also said it probably has penicillin in it.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's.

[Travis McElroy]

And we'll make them healthier, so it's totally fine.

[Griffin McElroy]

Increase. Increase reaction time.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, definitely. Up your kd. Up your kd.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's huge. Trav. Congrats. It sounds like this is a good thing. I don't know why you're, like, announcing this like it's a bad thing.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, there's also some people who have claimed that we didn't obtain any kind of licensing rights for don't need to or Master Chief.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't need to. You're in Trav Nation. You don't have copyright law there.

[Travis McElroy]

What? The thing is, I'm very close personal friends with both Sonic and Master Chief, and they actually worked very closely to develop these flavors with me, and they told me that it was totally fine to use their names and likenesses and there was no need to get lawyers involved.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right. Travis, I've had to tell you this a million times. I cannot believe I'm having to tell you a million of them first time. But just because you know two drug dealers named Sonic and Master Chief doesn't mean, you know the real Sonic and Master Chief.

[Travis McElroy]

One of them is blue.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, no, I know it's Master Chief, which is weird.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. But they're nice guys.

[Griffin McElroy]

They're nice guys, but they're drug dealers, and they're not your. They're not the mascots for Sega and Microsoft, respectively.

[Travis McElroy]

It does.

[Griffin McElroy]

They can't give you permission if you look.

[Travis McElroy]

It does. If you look very closely on the packaging, it does say a Sonic's Strawberry Slam. A Master Chief. So the A is very small, but it is there. So legally, my Sigma lawyers, who also have their law degrees in gamer gastronomy, tell me that it's totally fine and safe.

[Griffin McElroy]

It says Master Chief C, H, E, I F. And you get Away with it.

[Justin McElroy]

The biggest innovation I would love to see in kids yogurt and kids food is I want brands to start having flavors. I want like every frozen three thing to taste the same. So if it's Frozen three, like liqueur, Frozen three cereal, Frozen three, whatever, it all has the same berry blossom, cherry cordial.

[Travis McElroy]

All of its.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, cherry cordial. It's all of its cherry cordial.

[Travis McElroy]

I want to make it clear to us off of Justin said kids should not eat Progert. Okay. So it's actually formulated for 18 up. If kids eat it, we don't know what will happen.

[Griffin McElroy]

It will overwrite your gut ecosystem entirely. And if you're 18, you can handle that kind of wild switcheroo. If you're six and you down this Progert, all of a sudden your stomach's gonna be like, okay, I'm ready to digest corn nuts now. And you're like, I don't eat those corns.

[Justin McElroy]

You're six kicking in there and start flashing middleware. And you need that stuff in the library.

[Travis McElroy]

We've heard from some people that, namely the fda, that we should have listed that on the packaging somewhere.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

But we figured that by putting very grown up figures like Master Chief and Sonic on there, it would be clear, like, these are for adults who like Sonic and Master Chief. These things are for kids, clearly.

[Griffin McElroy]

So traditionally Sonic games are rated E. I believe Shadow the hedgehog was E10 plus because of guns, which is cool that we do that. 10 year olds and Sonic and guns.

[Travis McElroy]

Kids don't play video game. Where would they get the money to buy AAA video games?

[Griffin McElroy]

Lawn mowing. Lawn mowing.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, at that point, I think legally they're considered, at least for gastronomy purposes. Yeah, for gastronomy purposes, if you're earning a wage because child labor is illegal. So if you're earning a wage are gastronomically speaking an adult.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right. Yeah. Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Trev?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

What do you think off Broadway's like?

[Travis McElroy]

What do I think off Broadway is like?

[Griffin McElroy]

You're there now. Let's set the stage.

[Justin McElroy]

Let's set the stage.

[Griffin McElroy]

Appropriately enough, you're there now. I mean, you're not right now. Because we're recording this like a week and a half in advance. But you're there now when people are listening to this. Are you rubbing elbows with Jack?

[Justin McElroy]

If you don't know the context here, Travis. Due to the hard labor of superstar agent, Joel Begleiter, is being allowed to perform off Broadway with the 20 sided tavern. Plenty of good seats available.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, you Say, hard labor. But when I reached out to him, I was like, hey, this sounds fun. How do I get in there? He's like, oh. They actually reached out to me about it a while ago. Do you want to do it? So I don't know how much hard labor.

[Justin McElroy]

Crazy time to get.

[Griffin McElroy]

I just actually heard Travis's muscles flex when he said that. It says, like, a leather thread stretched.

[Justin McElroy]

I would never want to do this thing that you're doing, which sounds like my hell. So how did you prepare yourself for it?

[Travis McElroy]

Well, I figure Off Broadway is a lot like Broadway, but like, a slightly darker shade. Like, there's a little more tint to it. So it's not quite Broadway. Then there's eggshell Broadway.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right.

[Travis McElroy]

And is this the kind of heat.

[Griffin McElroy]

That you're going to bring to Broadway?

[Justin McElroy]

You get this.

[Travis McElroy]

No, I wouldn't waste my Off Broadway heat here on the show. This is all my Snickle heat.

[Justin McElroy]

Can you give some people a sample of what they like?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I think it's gonna be weird for people to.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is the second mbmbam in a row where you have busted out.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. It's maybe the only song he knows.

[Travis McElroy]

It is the only song in the world that I know. I don't have any room for any other ones. I've got all these cheat codes for Sonic and Master Chief in there. They try them.

[Justin McElroy]

What are you. What? Okay, you've been doing stage shows, live stage shows for over 100 times now. You've gotten out there. What do you think the biggest difference is gonna be between your usual setup? Which of your exacting demands will they not be ready for D?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I imagine there won't be a vegetable tray backstage that I claim will definitely be necessary, but then we never touch, so I don't think that will happen. I don't think dad will be there on stage with me, and that will be different. Not having my dad and I.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's funny that you say Justin and I won't be there on stage. We won't be there on stage with you.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, what do you mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

They wouldn't let us do.

[Justin McElroy]

They wouldn't let me do all the different voices.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, I have to.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait. You're a solo actor.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, I have to perform in front of a crowd without you guys there?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's right.

[Justin McElroy]

It's gonna be your own way to fly.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. No, it's not gonna be.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you want us to write anything for you right now? We could write you some jokes.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. If you could give me some dd. But Broadway specific.

[Griffin McElroy]

I got this idea for a character named the Jizzard. He's a sorcerer and he is crude and rude. He is struggling with his impotence.

[Travis McElroy]

Struggling with. He wishes he was more impotent.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. He's too potent.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm not going to fill in all the fucking gaps for you. It's your improvisational show.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, yes, yes. Justin, could you give me something?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. One thing that I have noticed in every single Broadway show ever, and I don't know that they've had this in 20 sided tavern and it could be the last thing they need to get him over onto on Broadway.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right.

[Justin McElroy]

Is just, you gotta say something about being in New York and how much you love being in New York. All the great ones are like. Like, think about. I mean, obviously everybody's mind jumps to Spider man here in Arthur Dark. Like, all the freaks are here tonight in New York City. Like, shouting out, the Big Apple is going to get you. I don't know. Can you maybe. You know what would be really good, Travis, is if you could find a growing potion and use it on an apple.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, I love that.

[Justin McElroy]

And then look out, be like, hubba, hubba.

[Travis McElroy]

That's what I love, this Big Apple. I want to take a bite out of it.

[Griffin McElroy]

It is improvisational, right? So you can pick up a stone from the ground and be like, whoa, this is the New York teleportation stone. And you rub it and you're like. And now the scene is in New York City, the greatest city in the world.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I tell you what's amazing about this, boys? Is that we're recording this ahead of time. And then I assume all of Trav Nation is going to show up, watch the show, and then they'll hear this episode after my run is done, and they'll be like, that's where all the magic came from. That's why we talked about the Big Apple and the teleportation stone.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's why every show, every one of his shows, Travis found a magic New York teleportation stone. He dragged the rest of the cast kicking and screaming to enchanted, esque New York City fantasy vacation. And I love it.

[Travis McElroy]

And this is good, too, because when I portray the Jizzwood on stage, I'm not going to give it any background.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm not going to explain it at all. But now they'll know here, like, oh, that's. That's everything I needed to know about the Jizzard, Travis.

[Justin McElroy]

I do love that meta humor.

[Griffin McElroy]

I obviously got my Oscar from my Involvement in Mitchell's Versus the Machines, an Oscar award winning movie that I contributed one to. Two lines of dialogue to.

[Travis McElroy]

And Justin and I were cut from.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes, and Justin and you were cut from. But listen, I think of us as a unit, right? So, like we have an Oscar. If you can secure the Tony on this one. If you can pull down an Anthony for us. All of a sudden we're halfway there, aren't we? We gotta get Grammy. All we do is audio shit. It's a Grammy. Because we haven't applied ourselves yet to getting a Grammy. We could totally do that if we wanted to.

[Travis McElroy]

And we've several times been nominated for iHeartRadio's Best Ad Reads. So I don't know if that fits in there.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know what? Peace on the Playground, which predates this particular entertainment program by a few years. Yeah, yeah, by 100 years, which was a public service sort of special that me and dad did to curbs playground violence. Peace on the Playground.

[Travis McElroy]

And you did it, by the way.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I did it. Fucking crushed it. Won a public service Emmy. That is in director Chuck Minsker's house. So that's eo.

[Travis McElroy]

You get the.

[Griffin McElroy]

Justin, I think you gotta pull the Grammy down, man. Just to kind of like.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, man, I got that Twitter award. I got a Twitter award. Remember when I had that Twitter award?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, that's true. A shorty. Was that what it was called? A shorty award?

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you, Travis. Oh, okay.

[Travis McElroy]

I have a. I've got a YouTube play button.

[Justin McElroy]

I've got a. That's ours. I got a local business reporting AP award for the state of Ohio for best business reporting.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Is that.

[Travis McElroy]

I need to get a Pulitzer.

[Justin McElroy]

That's sad.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've got a paper tie that my son wrote number one dad comedian on it. Does that.

[Travis McElroy]

That's very good.

[Griffin McElroy]

Everything that we have, I got that.

[Travis McElroy]

I got the MacArthur genius grant to create animals. So there's that.

[Griffin McElroy]

How did you spend all that? That comes with so much money.

[Travis McElroy]

A lot of it went into the research and development for Proger. If I'm being honest, that's embezzlement from.

[Justin McElroy]

Mitchell's versus the machines. Didn't win, right? Are you.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think it won for some category. Best, like coolest animation.

[Travis McElroy]

I think it went for some best off screen dialogue.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. You don't think it won Best Cut Brothers.

[Travis McElroy]

Best Cut Brothers.

[Justin McElroy]

Best Cut Brothers.

[Travis McElroy]

We had our jobs replaced by AI on that one. So computers took our jobs.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know what we were nominated for that one? We were nominated for best animated feature film. We did lose to Encanto.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, yeah. Which I do want to get the record straight on that.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, we went in Encanto.

[Justin McElroy]

No, but we inspired it. Most of it. I feel like it's very.

[Travis McElroy]

There's a lot of in jokes in there.

[Griffin McElroy]

What did we. We won a fucking Houston Film critics society awards 2021.

[Travis McElroy]

That's the Oscars of Houston.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the Houston Oscars.

[Travis McElroy]

Basically.

[Justin McElroy]

Mike and Jeff won best screenplay at the Hollywood Critics Association.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think that's gotta give us something. And then the TV show we did, probably.

[Justin McElroy]

What are you still doing? Can we answer questions, please?

[Griffin McElroy]

I would love to. I would love to.

[Justin McElroy]

Spinning wildly in our.

[Griffin McElroy]

Tired. I'm so tired.

[Justin McElroy]

I know, I know, but when you feel that way, Griffin, just let. Just hop on my back, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know, just let silly sleepover energy sometimes.

[Travis McElroy]

Have you tried eating some Progert, Griffin? Because it's shown to increase energy level in adults. In adults.

[Griffin McElroy]

Eating Progert would only help me insofar as it would make me as sick as my son. And when that happens, all of a.

[Travis McElroy]

Sudden, that only happens sometimes.

[Griffin McElroy]

And when that happens, the buck no longer stops completely at me. I can sort of push off some of my. But I'm gonna be on the toilet.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. The buck does not stop. Stop. When you eat Kroger. That's actually one of our. We've taken that and turned it into a slogan.

[Griffin McElroy]

Just waiting on you to read a question. Juice you got.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis, will you go in the mornings, like, from door to door, agent to agent, just trying to get somebody to give you a shot, you know what I mean?

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, while I'm in New York.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Or are you gonna be, like, a waiter? Are you gonna, like, be a waiter during the day?

[Travis McElroy]

I'm flying there, but then I'm gonna leave the city and I'm gonna get on a bus, and then I'm gonna arrive in my straw hat with my suitcase. You're coming back.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're leaving nyc, and then you're coming back to NYC in a STR.

[Justin McElroy]

Car will already be there.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Think about it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cool.

[Travis McElroy]

I hired a whole flash mob to do a scene, so it's gonna be great.

[Justin McElroy]

All right, well, let's get. Let's answer some questions. We can still help people. Travis hasn't lost all perspective.

[Travis McElroy]

I lost some.

[Justin McElroy]

You lost some.

[Travis McElroy]

My new glasses are pretty dark, so it does like a little shock.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm a chocolatier. My boss decided not to consult me on what seasonal shapes we're making this year. The problem is they picked Out a chocolate lollipop. That stick comes out between Santa's legs looking like a Santa has huge dick.

[Travis McElroy]

Nice.

[Justin McElroy]

Now my friends and family tell me they all want for Christmas is a big dick Santa. How do I buy large amounts of this lollipop without the old ladies who run the store front asking why I want so many of the specific items? That's from Santa's schlong sculpture in Florida.

[Griffin McElroy]

I.

[Justin McElroy]

Is there a pick?

[Griffin McElroy]

Like there's not a pick. And that's criminal because I got to know the diameter of this stick.

[Travis McElroy]

It actually got censored. My safe search wouldn't let me say any.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wouldn't let you download the jpeg. I feel I don't know that this would. If it's a traditional popsicle. You know, I almost call it a pop stick. Cause that's what our kids call it. If it's a traditional lollipop stick size, then it would actually look like Santa had an extraordinarily long, profoundly skinny dick. And I don't think that that is just based on what I know about the man and his sort of like generally accepted fictional proportions. I don't think that's what it. I don't think that's what it is.

[Justin McElroy]

No.

[Travis McElroy]

You would rather see a Santa with a big fat dong is what it is.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's either big all around or a chode city, but it's definite. Whatever kind of proportions this popstick stick is, no way.

[Travis McElroy]

And when he laughed, his dick shook like a wet spaghetti.

[Griffin McElroy]

Shame on me for thinking about Santa Claus hose. Like brilliant white, ivory white dick.

[Justin McElroy]

It looks like you could charm it with a pan flute. It's insane.

[Travis McElroy]

Rock hard. In a downward direction too.

[Griffin McElroy]

It would be weirder.

[Justin McElroy]

I guess he's looking for a water supply.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so how do you buy large amounts of this lollipop without the old ladies who run the storefront asking why you want so many of this specific item. It's a Santa Claus holiday themed chocolate lollipop from the chocolate shop you work at. To me this seems like a pretty easy thing to do. I don't think the old ladies are going to be like, you only want this because of the dick, don't you? I cough you right away.

[Travis McElroy]

There is the risk that every other worker besides the manager has like been like, oh, that's the dick Santa. And then you go up and you're like, I would like 24 of the Santa lollipops. And they're like, why are you buying 24 of the dick Santas? Like even the Old ladies know it.

[Justin McElroy]

We all know old ladies do love rude.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like, they love comedy stuff.

[Justin McElroy]

So they do love that.

[Travis McElroy]

That's why 90% of our audience is over the age of 75.

[Griffin McElroy]

God, I fucking wish they would get so many more of our references if that were true. Oh, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, absolutely. Like the lady who works the old Village roaster down next to Keith Albee. She's got a sign up that says, you don't have to be nuts to work here, but it helps my kids. My kids come in here, lady.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin, you got to warn me before you drop something.

[Justin McElroy]

My kids come in here. Vicky, you can't have that kind of race.

[Travis McElroy]

I get it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you think it does help? I don't think it would.

[Griffin McElroy]

What, being nuts?

[Justin McElroy]

Being nuts?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I wouldn't think so.

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, what does that mean? I don't want to get too deep into this category, I guess.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, Bonkers. Bonkers was totally nuts. And I don't think it helped Bonkers do his job.

[Justin McElroy]

What if you told them you were opening a franchise, a small mall kiosk franchise of this chocolate place? So you're going to open up a. You tell me you're opening up a satellite at the mall. Because there's been a big demand at the mall for these special Santas. It's a holiday item.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And they're going fast at the mall open. I had a bag of five at the mall. People stopped me. They said, where can I buy one of those? He said, they're not for sale at the mall. They lost their fucking minds.

[Griffin McElroy]

You could set up your booth right at the exit of the mall, Santa photo booth situation. And been like, hey, parents, parents, do you like that? If you liked that, parents, you'll like this for sure.

[Justin McElroy]

Maybe something.

[Griffin McElroy]

You don't even have to sell the lollipops. You can just have one in a little box with a hole on it.

[Justin McElroy]

Not everything.

[Griffin McElroy]

$10 and you can have a little peek at Santa Claus.

[Justin McElroy]

Not everything. Has to be for your stupid kids. You know, you can still enjoy something just for you.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's right. You can't sell these in good conscience. You can't sell these. If there could be lots of people who get their hands on this. And all of a sudden that's the whole car ride home is talking about, well, that looks like a very long penis of Santa Claus. You can't sell these. And it's up to you to get all of them and melt them in a big oven. Sorry.

[Travis McElroy]

And say, destroy them.

[Griffin McElroy]

And say, we had to Start over. And this time you put the stick coming out of his neck and he's like doing like a popping. Like he's doing some groundwork, like a break dancer.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't think there's a good version of it, really.

[Travis McElroy]

It's coming out of one hand, and it's like he's shooting a laser beam.

[Griffin McElroy]

You could have Santa Claus.

[Travis McElroy]

Santa Claus is iron man, guys. Think about it.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool. You could also have Santa Claus arched backwards like this, and then have the stick going straight through his chest and out the other side.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

So it's like he's been impaled by a spear or something like that. And then you can just kind of turn it like a corn cob. There's so many great ways to make lollipops. I think lollipop makers are Santa pole dancing. Santa pole dancing is sexy and cool. That's sexy in a way that I think is tasteful.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, very much so.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's a lot of people who do that for their health now and not to be erotic in any way. And I think that's fucking cool.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

How about another question?

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, please.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm a PhD student in English Literature, and as part of the role, I am teaching assistant at an undergraduate class on Shakespeare. I also started working out recently and have seen a few of my students at the gym. They're all much stronger and more experienced than I am. Can I ask them for tips on how to help me get stronger? Alternatively, can I make it part of their grade to avoid acknowledging my presence at all costs? That's from Learning in the lecture hall or, sorry, learning in the iron lecture hall. And I have to say, learning in the iron lecture hall. When an interesting collection of facts you've chosen both relevant and not to your query. Just a. It's a delightful paprika of information.

[Travis McElroy]

I also thoroughly enjoy you giving us the two options of how do I. One, ask for help, or two, make it illegal for them to see me.

[Justin McElroy]

Which is the easier version of it?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think you can do this. I don't think you can ask a student for help with anything because then.

[Justin McElroy]

All of a sudden reveals the power dynamic.

[Travis McElroy]

Is it?

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, yeah. All of a sudden, now you're the student, and then you show up to class the next day and they rip your corduroy jacket off of you and they rip off your little cool sling bag and they say, this is mine now because I taught you at the gym. The roles have reversed. Sit your butt down. Othello. One of Shakespeare's funniest plays. Like, they don't know any. They don't know what they're doing once they get up there, but they're teaching.

[Travis McElroy]

What if you, though, made this into, like, a Finding Forrester kind of situation, right? Where you find somewhere where the combination of a student who's not doing well but is very strong and good at gym, and you said, hey, I'm gonna meet you where you're at. Let's go to the gym together. And while I work out and you kind of tell me, I'm gonna use that as, like. Now imagine I'm Hamlet and you're like the ghost of Hamlet's dad. See, you get it. Also, how many, like, reps should Hamlet be doing? And at what. Wait, his dad, do you think? What do you think?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't feel like I was just enriched.

[Justin McElroy]

Mini gym stuff. It starts to get. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Could you lift heavy Shakespeare books?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, you could, but that's free. I don't need to go to the gym to do that. All my books are at home.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait a minute. Are we about to put the whole gym industry out of business?

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, there's heavy things everywhere.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's everywhere.

[Justin McElroy]

All over heavy stuff everywhere.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can run pretty much wherever you want.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, the material here in Merchant of Venice is some pretty heavy stuff. And you know what else is pretty heavy weights. Am I right, guys? Now watch as I curl this big book, and you guys tell me what I'm doing wrong, and then I'll tell you what they did wrong in Merchant of Venice.

[Justin McElroy]

So if the kid tricks you, makes themselves the teacher, and then you're the.

[Travis McElroy]

Student, that's the risk.

[Justin McElroy]

If. Is there a way to trick them, I guess, into letting you.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's the only way to keep your fucking job.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, how can you get them? How can you trick them into letting you teach them something in the classroom once you're already. I feel like once you're in the desks, it's so much harder, Right? Because flipping the script on somebody. When you're in the gym, anybody can say, you know, student, master, whatever. Like, the desks make it, like, so concrete.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Unless.

[Griffin McElroy]

Unless.

[Travis McElroy]

Unless you take the lessons they teach you now you've become stronger than them. They're ready to take over the classroom. Then you show up, you pick them up in the desk and start curling them while you're teaching songs.

[Griffin McElroy]

Awesome.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is great. A lot of people are just wild about teachers. Every teacher should have guns. It's the only way to keep it safe. No. Every teacher should have guns. You know what I mean? Like, every teacher should be stronger than the people they're teaching. Because otherwise I don't have to listen to you. If I'm stronger than you. I do not have to be taught by you.

[Travis McElroy]

That's science.

[Griffin McElroy]

End of. End of sentence.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, end of bit. That's the thing right now that physical strength trumps all at the end of the day. I mean, if you get stronger than me. You're right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

That's the way it goes. That's the way the cookie crumble.

[Griffin McElroy]

So many options.

[Travis McElroy]

Trick them, don't let them in front of them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Trick them, don't let them trick you or catch all. Get stronger than them. And you must teach them. They must be taught. Cause you're huge.

[Travis McElroy]

You're so big. You've been lifting all those books.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck.

[Justin McElroy]

Wow.

[Griffin McElroy]

Look at you. Look at you go.

[Justin McElroy]

You look great.

[Griffin McElroy]

We should come up with a. You know how LCD sound system came up with like a 46 minute long, like, mix that's like. This is for you to work out to. It's the perfect scientifically engineered tempo. We should do that. But it's the three of us and we're like, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Holy.

[Griffin McElroy]

You got it.

[Travis McElroy]

Whoa.

[Justin McElroy]

Squeeze it out.

[Travis McElroy]

Amazing.

[Griffin McElroy]

We would have.

[Travis McElroy]

Don't drop that.

[Griffin McElroy]

We couldn't just do. We couldn't jazz it. We would have to get. Have like movements.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Eventually I would just start saying that was a weird grunt.

[Griffin McElroy]

And like, I think having like five minutes of us being like that was a weird grunt. You're sweating a lot.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, sure. Everyone's looking.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I wouldn't want to do that. I want to inspire people as well.

[Griffin McElroy]

Their breasts would be. The rest would be inspirational. But a little bit of salt. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

We gotta bring them back down. It can't all be peaked, Justin. There's gotta be valley in there somewhere.

[Justin McElroy]

Too true, Travis. Too true. How often we forget you gotta go down to hell before we can get a little taste of heaven. Sometimes that's especially true in the Iron Temple that we called the gym.

[Travis McElroy]

Yep. And the classroom.

[Justin McElroy]

Take it from me, a guy who's almost always about three feet away from something he bought to help him get stronger. I'm never that far away from something. Let's. What do you guys want to do now?

[Griffin McElroy]

You want to do Money Zone?

[Justin McElroy]

Money Zone. You got it, boss. Come on, let's go. It's better.

[Travis McElroy]

It's better with you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, dang it. It happened again during the Money Zone break. Justin and Travis accidentally crossed through the shadow gate. And so they're going to have to spend a day in there for each sin that they've committed, which is going to take a little while. So I'm going to go ahead and knock out the advertisements this time. Let's start with Rocket Money. A very good place to start because Rocket Money is going to save you a lot of money and you can spend it on rockets if you want. That's not why the company is called that. I don't know why the company is called that. What I do know is that I subscribe to a lot of garbage and then I forget about the garbage I've subscribed to and I end up spending billions, perhaps of dollars every month on that garbage. Rocket Money is a great little service and it goes through your finances, it goes through everything. And it looks and it's like, hey, did you remember that you were subscribing to the Glue of the Day club and they send you new glue every day and you're like, Jesus Christ, why did I subscribe to that? I don't know. I can't answer that for you. What I can tell you is that Rocket Money is going to help you get that taken care of. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. They've got over 5 million users and have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year. When using all the app's features, cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com mybrother that's rocketmoney.com mybrother One last time. Rocketmoney.com mybrother I also want to tell you about Aura Frames. We are about to enter the gift giving season and it's going to get hot and heavy, folks. You are not ready for all of the gifts you are going to have to sling to the special precious people in your life. Well, good news. Aura Frames is pretty much good for anyone to receive as a gift. It's a digital picture frame named Number one by Wirecutter. Aura makes it incredibly easy to share unlimited photos and videos directly from your phone to the frame. When you give Aura Frame as a gift, you can personalize and preload it with a thoughtful message and photos using the Aura app. And then whenever you have new photos that you want to upload, say, of the grandkids for the grandparents or of your car to your friend who really Likes your car. You could just update it through the app and then bing, bang, boom, it just shows up right on their frame. It's a really, really great way to get photos of stuff people care about right into their homes. And it truly is a slick little thing and a great present. We've given it to many people and it's been great to keep folks in touch with the things going on in our lives. Save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver matte frames by using promo code mybrother at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code, my brother. This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply.

[Justin McElroy]

All right, boys, how about another question, please?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I just read a nice text message from my girlfriend at the end of my bus ride to work. When I was getting off, I went to say thank you to the driver, but I was also thinking about how much I love my girlfriend. And instead of a thank you, I felt my lips start to purse up in a kissy shape. Oh, wow. I panicked and froze my lips and a 10% into the kiss and just walked off without saying anything to him. So crisis averted. But what if I had blown a kiss at the bus driver? What's the advice for after that? For Gmail I? Okay, so I thought you were about to say that you told the bus driver you love, and I started to say. I started to get this whole thing in my heart. Like a really sincere thing. Yeah, about, like, I think that's actually nice. And I think we could do with more of that, honestly, just like telling people that we love them. I think that's.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Strangers who would be made wildly uncomfortable by that. Like, yeah, we should be saying that because that's your right.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't know about kissy face. Huh. That's tough, isn't it?

[Travis McElroy]

I would actually, I want you guys right now to make your face into 10% of a kissy face.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, yeah, that's awesome.

[Travis McElroy]

And tell me, if you saw a human being doing that, is that better than seeing 100% kissy face?

[Justin McElroy]

This person is saying that they dodged the bullet. I think they're. They're saying, listen, I handled this perfectly. No worries. I want to see 10% of a kissy face.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want to see 10% kissy face. They do video out of it sometimes.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't know if you've been to.

[Griffin McElroy]

Our YouTube channel lately. We do do video Sometimes.

[Travis McElroy]

Is that too much? Griffin, what I'm doing here?

[Griffin McElroy]

Show me. Too much. Way too much. That's like 30 to 40% easy. It's like, hold on.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm trying to find it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Show me some.

[Travis McElroy]

I feel like I'm moving a slider.

[Griffin McElroy]

Justin, that sucks. That's not kissing even a little bit at all.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, wait. Here's 100.

[Griffin McElroy]

Show me. That's 100.

[Travis McElroy]

That's 100.

[Griffin McElroy]

You walk at work. That's 10. That's 10 right there.

[Justin McElroy]

That's 10.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's ten. No one's going to clock that. No one's going to clock that. Travis, you look pissed off at the bus driver.

[Travis McElroy]

That's worse. Well, I'm kissing with my eyes.

[Griffin McElroy]

I would rather walk by the bus driver and go than go.

[Travis McElroy]

That's my focus. I can't help it that. That's my focus face.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, all right, I just made a command decision. Here's what you do. If you find your face going, mwah. The only shot you have is to just throw your right hand up and add the chef's kiss thing and just add a pin.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, what a ride.

[Justin McElroy]

Smooth.

[Griffin McElroy]

No bump.

[Justin McElroy]

Not a pothole in sight. Thank you, Daryl. You've done it again.

[Travis McElroy]

Masterfully done. My compliments to the driver.

[Justin McElroy]

Lovely, lovely flight, boys.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why were you making a kiss to your phone on a text message?

[Justin McElroy]

It's just the wires got mixed up.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's pretty mixed up. Those wires are. Those wires come from different machines in two different buildings of, like, I'm texting my girlfriend. I love her so much. I'm thinking about how much I love her, and, like, you don't.

[Travis McElroy]

I feel like this happens to me all the time. Not this exact thing, but I like listening to audio books while I drive, and I have this compulsion that when it describes someone making a face or, like, reacting to something in a way, my face will, like, try to make that so I understand what they mean. And I'm always so worried another driver next to me or somebody will see me making this face and be like, I think that man's guilty of murder. And I'm always so worried that I will be clocked as my face tries to replicate human emotion.

[Griffin McElroy]

God bless bus drivers.

[Travis McElroy]

God bless you.

[Justin McElroy]

What a. That's a hard job.

[Travis McElroy]

I think they don't get enough kisses blown at them. We don't ask what we're saying.

[Griffin McElroy]

We do not ask God to bless specific people and jobs enough. And that's something that I feel like we could be way better about.

[Travis McElroy]

I think we could lean out of windows and bang pots and pans at bus drivers more.

[Griffin McElroy]

They would really. The people love that shit.

[Travis McElroy]

They do. It's a good way of showing people you care about them. To bang pots.

[Griffin McElroy]

To bang pots at 6:15pm Eastern time.

[Travis McElroy]

It scares cats away and shows bus drivers you appreciate them.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's right.

[Travis McElroy]

Two birds.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the rhythm of the city right there. Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Huh. I want a munch squad, but I want to munch.

[Griffin McElroy]

Welcome.

[Justin McElroy]

Munch Squad is podcast and podcast profiling the latest Gracie brand eating. Today's story comes to us from cub reporter Travis Patrick McElroy. I mean, yeah, he sent me a good TikTok. I serious, Griffin.

[Travis McElroy]

One in a million.

[Justin McElroy]

I almost chucked it into the dust of history with all the other ones and zeros.

[Griffin McElroy]

I like to save them all up. I like to save them all up. The ones Travis sent us.

[Travis McElroy]

I knew. I knew Justin, so I actually wrote out a caption to it before I sent it that was like, this is what this is.

[Justin McElroy]

You had to pick it up and give a little and a little so.

[Travis McElroy]

That he knew it's real.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a good one. No, but this one for real.

[Travis McElroy]

This is an adjust.

[Justin McElroy]

Do watch this one, but do watch this one because this. The the story is that Pizza Hut is launching its own wine.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, man.

[Justin McElroy]

And Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

It's made from tomatoes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why not?

[Justin McElroy]

This holiday season, Pizza Hut is elevating the art of holiday hosting and gifting with a twist on an iconic pairing, pizza and wine. For the first time ever, Pizza Hut is stepping into the wine business by launching a pizza wine, a unique limited edition tomato wine that captures the essence of your favorite slice at every sip. To make any holiday gathering even more festive, Pizza Hut is bringing back its beloved triple treat box. This holiday ready meal featuring two medium one topping pizzas, breadsticks or cheese sticks, and a choice of dessert, comes packaged in a festive holiday themed box with wine. And there's wine is, I guess, part of it.

[Travis McElroy]

Not enough people do that. People talk about pairing wines with things and it's usually about complimenting. I want one for one wines. I want more one for one wines where it's like this wine goes great with this hamburger because it's made of hamburger. It's hamburger you're going to love. This is hamburger wine. It's one.

[Justin McElroy]

Crafted from ripe, juicy tomatoes and infused with natural basil. Tomato wine by Pizza Hut is what it's called. It's just called tomato wine by Pizza Hut.

[Travis McElroy]

They carried it so close to the to the goal line. And then they were like, I don't know, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Hold on.

[Travis McElroy]

I want to pull up tomato wine.

[Justin McElroy]

I think the image.

[Griffin McElroy]

I just googled tomato wine just to see if it's a thing. I found a recipe for. You can make tomato wine at home. And the duration of time, how long it takes is 672 hours and 25 minutes, which is perfect.

[Justin McElroy]

Can you guys see the little.

[Travis McElroy]

Why is it so pale?

[Justin McElroy]

It's so pale. Yeah. A lot of people in the lab noticed that. We just kind of kept on going.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's sort of a rose.

[Travis McElroy]

Is it for gamers?

[Griffin McElroy]

Sort of a fusion.

[Justin McElroy]

It's made in purse.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, it's not for gamers. They said explicitly. Gamers know.

[Justin McElroy]

Made in partnership with Kansas based Irvine's Just Beyond Paradise Winery. Okay. Kansas based Irvine's Just Beyond Paradise Winery.

[Griffin McElroy]

Kansas.

[Justin McElroy]

Kansas based Irvine Irvines Just Beyond Paradise Winery. A family owned vineyard renowned for its creativity and passion. I guess with the finest grapes Kansas can grow the wine.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, Justin, we don't know that for sure. We only know tomatoes Kansas might make.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, that's actually tomatoes. Much better point. Thank you. I'm the dork. Because they don't need grapes for this wine.

[Travis McElroy]

Where we're going, we don't know.

[Justin McElroy]

We don't need grapes. While crafted from tomatoes, the wine delivers a tasting similar to a white wine when enjoyed chilled. That's cause that's what I look for in my alcoholic beverages. Being able to pretend there's something else if you get them cold enough.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, yeah. What happens if they might as well have made that.

[Griffin McElroy]

It tastes the same.

[Justin McElroy]

If you close your eyes though made.

[Travis McElroy]

From tomatoes, it's not nearly as gross as you'd think.

[Justin McElroy]

No, it's better. It's better than you think. The wine delivers. Okay. Paired with any classic Pizza Hut pizza, including the signature one topping pizzas that come with the festive triple treat treat box. Listen, stop trying to talk to me about the triple treat box when you just invented pizza wine. Yeah, I'm not interested.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. We kind of glossed over. I want to hang a lantern on the we added basil to it aspect because they're not going for like this is a sweet. This is like a fruity wine. There's plenty of though. Blueberry wine, strawberry wine. It's sweet hollow watermelon wine, I guess. And then you're just like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. We put basil in it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

This is marinara sauce wine.

[Justin McElroy]

Enjoy. Let's say here Pizza Hut is offering a limited edition set. Oh, first Actually, let me read the quote here. Quote. The holidays are a time for many gatherings, but often the gift of a bottle of wine can feel expected. Why not be the one to bring the pizza party with the gift of pizza wine?

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

And a triple treat box designed to ignite fun and conversations. Says Pizza Hut's director of advertising, Elise Slayton, who I'm guessing forgot this promotion was supposed to be about the triple treat box. Until she started writing this press release and realized, oh, no, I completely forgot about the triple treat box. I gotta mention that a few times.

[Travis McElroy]

I do love that bringing up the idea of bringing this as like a host gift to a party does really clearly in my mind, delineate groups of friends.

[Griffin McElroy]

Absolutely.

[Travis McElroy]

Right. Who I would feel so comfortable bringing a bottle of pizza wine to. Justin.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And be like, thank you so much for having me. And that might be it, actually. That Justin might be the only person I know.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't you bring that shit to me. I don't want joke food in my house.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. It is sold out, by the way. I know.

[Travis McElroy]

It's.

[Justin McElroy]

That's what sucks about all these. Honestly. As a brand who has pioneered many firsts in the industry, we took a beloved classic pairing of pizza and red.

[Travis McElroy]

Wine and ruined it.

[Justin McElroy]

And ruined it. And flipped it on his head as we aim to spark intrigue. Your Pizza Hut. They did. Don't. How about don't?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't want the mystery from you.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't want to eat pizza and think I am intrigued.

[Justin McElroy]

Go on.

[Travis McElroy]

And if you really wanted to flip it on your head, it'd be pizza wine and red wine flavored pizza.

[Griffin McElroy]

That would be cool.

[Justin McElroy]

Now listen, this is. This is. I wasn't even going to. I wasn't even gonna talk about this because it's not funny, but it's really cheesing me off.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, pun intended.

[Justin McElroy]

It is, Travis. Because this is the flavor of the month for Baskin Robbins. It's cheese board inspired. What? Brie.

[Griffin McElroy]

My guess, I fuck with this so hard.

[Justin McElroy]

No, it's gross. Listen.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, okay. Weird. Because I looked at it and I looked the thing and I was like, oh, that looks yummy.

[Justin McElroy]

It's gross. Wait till I tell you what's in it, and then you're gonna be like, gross. Okay. Inspired by your cheese Ward faves. Brie. My guest is an unbelievable combination of brie and burrata flavored ice creams mixed with almonds and pistachio pieces and apricot swirls. Oh.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, fucking rad, dude. Yes, absolutely. Open your mind. Oh, no, no, no, no. This is good.

[Travis McElroy]

Which one's burrata again?

[Justin McElroy]

That's the one where it's two cheeses in one, where they have a softer cheese inside a hot, a somewhat harder cheese.

[Travis McElroy]

I was worried that there was going to be like capicola in it or something.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, no, this looks good. I'm not.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, how different is ice cream from cheese? Really?

[Griffin McElroy]

Nah.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, it's a good point. It's funky though. It's funkier.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, I would love to have a bite of ice cream and have a different new experience. I would like to be intrigued by ice cream.

[Griffin McElroy]

I guess some of us like grown up ice cream.

[Travis McElroy]

I recently had sour cream ice cream, like made with sour cream. It was great. Don't show me this ice cream turkey again, Justin. It's bad. No, don't bring this. Horrible. It's back. It's back.

[Justin McElroy]

Bitch.

[Travis McElroy]

How come that's so weird that it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Says that in the press release? That sucks.

[Justin McElroy]

Holiday gatherings are about sharing memorable experiences and our brie, my guest, and turkey cake do just that. Said Jared Grandinetti, vice president of marketing and culinary at Baskin Robbins. Our new flavor of the month is a bold twist on the best parts of a cheese board that will delight your guests and spark conversations at the table.

[Travis McElroy]

None of these, none of these. None of it. One of the things I've noticed in these press releases, Justin, none of them take into account the actual human experience of walking into a party filled with people you supposedly love and respect and saying, look what I've brought. And so the idea that I'm going to bring in this ice cream turkey and be like, guys, I brought this. I thought we'd all like it. It's full of cheese ice cream.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm going to. I feel like I've got a pretty, like, settled. If you bring pizza wine, that's great. Very funny. I'm kind of jealous you got onto it for me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

You bring a turkey cake. Hilarious, quirky, adorable. We love it. And we're going to enjoy eating that too, which we want to enjoy. The pizza wine. If you bring both, you're making it about you, you know? And this is like, I worked really hard on the party to set a vibe and a tone and like, the vibe could withstand pizza wine or ice cream cake. But when you bring both, you are threatening to make that evening a very euccentric thing. You know what I mean? It's gonna be all about pizza.

[Griffin McElroy]

Everyone else there is gonna be thinking about what they brought and how it Was wrong in some way.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

If your option was even an option at all, they are gonna start thinking they have failed the vibe because you're.

[Travis McElroy]

Gonna be like, oh, you made deviled eggs. What did that flip on its head? How was that intriguing?

[Griffin McElroy]

How is that funny?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Also, I'm also kind of mad if someone brings either of those items to my home for a party because how are you so certain that I did not procure my own Pizza Hut pizza wine?

[Travis McElroy]

That's a great point. That would be my worry. Justin. Let's put it this way. Let's say your two best friends. One brings Pizza Hut pizza wine.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

One brings a turkey shaped ice cream cake filled with cheese ice cream. Which one of those do you now love? The mo. Which friend do you love the most?

[Justin McElroy]

Did you say it's cheese ice cream?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. It has the bring my guest inside of it.

[Justin McElroy]

Absolutely not. No. No. Thank you, Jay dog.

[Travis McElroy]

So you've actually lost love for that.

[Griffin McElroy]

One, J Dog, if I.

[Justin McElroy]

No. I'll drink your stinky funky one.

[Griffin McElroy]

No.

[Justin McElroy]

Because at least wine always tastes. At least wine always tastes bad. You know what I mean? At least. Oh. At least wine always tastes like funky old rotten grapes.

[Travis McElroy]

Not this one, Justin. Not this one, Justin. This is going to blow your mind, Justin.

[Justin McElroy]

Rotten fruits. I don't want that. Cheesy. You're going to put that in your mouth and not know exactly how cheesy it's going to taste. It could taste a lot heavy.

[Travis McElroy]

It's either going to be overwhelming or disappointing.

[Justin McElroy]

It's going to be disappointing. It's basketball. That's what it says on the sign.

[Griffin McElroy]

But like, I wish you'd open your heart to cheese cream. It's. It is good sometimes. And I think you would. I think you hate cheese, though. I'm forgetting because you don't like soft cheese.

[Travis McElroy]

Raw.

[Justin McElroy]

I hate raw cheese.

[Travis McElroy]

This isn't raw. It's frozen.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's frozen.

[Justin McElroy]

I recently. It's true. I recently had a dream come true. I'll be paid $300 to eat a new Taco Bell item and then share my thoughts in a focus group of 10 to 15 people. God, I'd love to do that.

[Griffin McElroy]

You did say Taco Bell.

[Justin McElroy]

They should let you pay to do that. They should let you pay to be in product research. I am aware I'm taking part in something larger than myself. How can I best represent the needs and desires of all people on planet Earth when determining the future of Taco Bell offerings? Liv Moss From Jacob K. P.S. i will be trying the And I cannot believe you were allowed to tell us this.

[Travis McElroy]

We don't know that they are the.

[Justin McElroy]

Chicken al pastor street chalupas. Wow, those sound.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fucking looking forward to it.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I. Everybody in a testing scenario in a fast food place is going to be thinking about one factor, and it's the novelty of the flavor. They want new experiences. They're thinking about deliciousness. I'll tell you what I would love people at Taco Bell to start thinking about a little bit more is the fucking mess factor.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Because I'm not buying Taco Bell because I'm going home to put it on porcelain plates.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm not. You know how I'm eating it and it's with a napkin on my lap.

[Griffin McElroy]

In your car maybe.

[Travis McElroy]

Maybe in my car. When you try it and you turn your head to the side so you don't spill taco everywhere, grab your neck in pain and say, ah, taco neck. I've got a bad case of taco neck.

[Griffin McElroy]

Shit. That's funny. Get them to bring back taco neck syndrome. Get them to get Shaq back in the commercials, please.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, God. Oh, man. Yeah. If you could be the person to bring back taco neck syndrome, do you.

[Griffin McElroy]

The amount of pressure I would feel in a Taco Bell focus group to try and do a good job, but also get my own sort of personal agenda across the line as much as is possible for the many things I would love Taco Bell to start doing again. You guys started putting Doritos flavor on shit and then you stopped.

[Justin McElroy]

What if. Okay, but this is where it. Talk about the pressure, man. What if you had. They never stopped. They'll never stop.

[Griffin McElroy]

They don't do Cool Ranch no more, do they?

[Justin McElroy]

I know. I think they still do.

[Travis McElroy]

They still do cinna twist.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. You can get cinnamon twists. It would be so much pressure to think about the idea that what if I had been in the room where it was like seven layer Crunchwrap or like one of the great. Like one of the greats and I had been just having a bad day? Or what if I had like, Covid, you know what I mean? And it tasted bad to me?

[Griffin McElroy]

You know, that's the only reason Cool Ranch, Doritos, Tacos Locos Tacos got shut down is cause Covid made them taste so fucked up and weird. And that's like the number one thing that it took from me personally.

[Justin McElroy]

I will say, yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Why don't you throw out something like, what if you put the vegetables on the outside?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's now here's the thing.

[Travis McElroy]

It doesn't make sense, but people in the fast food industry love that kind of innovative, out of the box thinking. And now you're the CEO of Taco Bell.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're having a lot of fun.

[Travis McElroy]

Travis, you're singing outside the bun. Griffin. No, that's what Taco Bell looks for.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis's. Hey, to Travis point. I'm sorry, Griff, but not for show. Not a joke. Send jokes out of the room. Were I in this scenario, I would be thinking of anything I could do to get them to do. Say one thing, like, this kid's got some.

[Travis McElroy]

This is what I'm saying.

[Justin McElroy]

I want one. Like, ooh, yeah, okay, I like that. Like one Taco Bell. Like, I want just one thumbprint on the moon.

[Travis McElroy]

You know what I mean?

[Justin McElroy]

Just one little. One little lick.

[Griffin McElroy]

I know that movie fans at home, sometimes they sit back and they think, that one guy who got his dick out in the background of Teen Wolf, what was he thinking? You guys are talking about getting your dick out as an extra in Teen Wolf. If you say, what if you put the vegetables on the outside? The person running the focus group would be like, get your thing, stand up and leave. You're gonna blow this focus group on. You're gonna blow this fucking opportunity for yourself. If you joke around and say, put the vegetables.

[Travis McElroy]

I would.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is what I'm saying. I would have to get across. Put Doritos flavor. Put the Cool Ranch Doritos flavor that's so funky and stinky on it without getting kicked out of the room.

[Travis McElroy]

Have you thought, what if we made the cheese pink and, like, the wrap green and tied it in with Wicked?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's not your job to think about as a person who's being paid $300 to eat a taco.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, are you saying in your head canon here, someone in a focus group could be like, hey, have you guys thought, I'll tie this in with Wicked, Right?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's not what they're for.

[Justin McElroy]

Did you guys know Wicked's coming out? You're not doing anything about it?

[Travis McElroy]

And they're like, oh, shit. Thank God you're here. Now you're CEO of Taco Bell. I mean, not right away, obviously.

[Justin McElroy]

I would like to add the Barbersville Ulta employees. I want to add them to my long list of local people that I've complained to about how many Wicked things are for sale in town. Sorry, this lady at cvs. Sorry, the lady at Ulta Beauty Box Lunch Staff. I always say sorry to you. Anyway, thank you. Sorry so much. Sorry. Did we Tari Spencer's gifts? I was confused. Sorry. I laughed so hard I threw up. They had to ask me to leave.

[Griffin McElroy]

So I'm sorry.

[Travis McElroy]

Spencer's.

[Justin McElroy]

It was just a really good federal volume spectrum. It's hysterical.

[Travis McElroy]

When we talked about the wicked times, by the way, did we talk about the hotels that made a green and pink room okay?

[Griffin McElroy]

We did. That's fantastic. Let's wrap things up.

[Justin McElroy]

Let's do it. Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, that's another good thing to say in a Taco Bell focus group.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. More rapid.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Maybe a second layer of wrap around up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do a push pop situation.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast.

[Travis McElroy]

We hope Taco Bell protein powder. Okay. Go on.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, Happy belated Thanksgiving. Our annual podcast till death of this Blart that we do with Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery is available now. It is the 10th anniversary is the most fun episode in I can't tell you how long.

[Travis McElroy]

Top 10 for sure.

[Griffin McElroy]

Great watch this year.

[Justin McElroy]

Top 10, Trav. Easily top 10.

[Travis McElroy]

And this year's Candlelight spectacular is coming out next week, December 14th at 9pm you can get tickets to watch that. It's pre recorded, but it's going to be streamed live so everybody can watch it together the first time. Get your tickets at bit ly candlenightstickets 2024 and then that's going to be available until January 4th for video on demand and rewatch if you wish to. There's a candlelights poster and ornament available now designed by Matt H. Taylor. And all proceeds from the show and the merch are going to Harmony House, which works to end homelessness in the Huntington area through permanent housing and supportive service programs. So go check that out. Bit ly candlelighttickets2024.

[Griffin McElroy]

We got some other merch up in the merch store [e-mail], we got a final fungalore pin by Dana Wagner. Final fungalore sounds cool.

[Travis McElroy]

Maybe that'll be next year. His next form.

[Griffin McElroy]

His next. Yes, as he evolves. Also, all dice in the shop are 20% off. Don't forget to get your fungal war merch before the year ends and we retire it to the Disney Vault. 10% of all merch sales this month will also be donated to Harmony House. So go check all that out.

[Travis McElroy]

And thank you to Montaigne for the youth use of our theme song.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thanks for the youth, Montaigne. You fill the youth you.

[Travis McElroy]

My life is better with you. Go check it out. It's on Spotify. I'M pretty sure they're working on some new music. If I'm not mistaken. Might be making that up.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've seen some teasers. I've seen some teasers and some. Some, some.

[Travis McElroy]

If you're not subscribed to Montaigne's whatever Instagram newsletter thing, join it's good shit. There's good shit on there. Montaigne also streams. Follow them on Twitch and stuff. Go do it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey speaking of streaming, can I do this wish from Fungal or. Oh sorry. Shit. Oh shit. Fungalore sent this one in to wish to himself I guess.

[Justin McElroy]

Wow. Amazing.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, this is from a listener sound me I wish I could stream Matlock with Andy Griffith without ads.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm Travis McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin McElroy.

[Justin McElroy]

My brother my brother made kissy bad square on the lips.

[Travis McElroy]

It'S better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

My life.

[Travis McElroy]

It'S better it's better with you my life it's better it's better with you Is it true you are it's better it's better with two.

[Justin McElroy]

It'S better with you Maximum Fun A.

[Griffin McElroy]

Worker owned network of artist owned shows supported directly by.