MBMBaM 742: Vesecticon Seven

Summary

My Brother, My Brother And Me – MBMBaM 742: Vesecticon Seven

Release Date: December 16, 2024

Overview

In episode 742 of My Brother, My Brother And Me (MBMBaM), titled "Vesecticon Seven," hosts Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy delve into a variety of humorous and candid topics. The episode spans personal medical experiences, satirical takes on dating advice, holiday-themed discussions, and playful interactions that showcase the brothers' unique chemistry. Throughout the episode, the McElroy brothers maintain their signature blend of wit, sarcasm, and brotherly banter, ensuring an engaging listen for both long-time fans and newcomers alike.

1. Opening Banter and Griffin’s Vasectomy Story (00:00 - 06:05)

The episode kicks off with Griffin humorously disclaiming that the McElroy brothers are "not experts" and poking fun at Travis's self-proclaimed expertise. Shortly after, Griffin shares an elaborate and exaggerated account of undergoing a vasectomy procedure.

• Griffin McElroy (00:00): "The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed."

Griffin's narrative is overflowing with hyperbolic details about his experience with a "Psycho Ripper Doc," including fictitious medical jargon and fantastical modifications like "bio mods" and "Mantis blades."

• Griffin McElroy (02:29): "I zeroed a gonk and I clepped his head. Took him to the fucking Psycho Ripper Doc I found in the scream sheets."

This segment sets a humorous tone, blending real-life experiences with absurdity, a hallmark of MBMBaM's comedic style.

2. The Aftermath and Recovery of the Procedure (06:05 - 07:24)

The brothers continue discussing Griffin's vasectomy recovery, infusing humor into the normally private topic.

• Travis McElroy (07:45): "If you want to be fucking weird."

Griffin describes the immediate post-procedure humorously, touching on topics like "fake testicles" and the challenges of explaining the procedure to others.

• Griffin McElroy (06:35): "I still got him, but he did leave."

The conversation underscores the brothers' ability to navigate sensitive topics with levity and camaraderie.

3. Humorous Take on Spencer’s Gifts and Body Modifications (08:01 - 10:17)

The discussion shifts to Spencer’s Gifts, a retail store known for its novelty items. The brothers joke about selling shirts with messages like "Don't ask me about my vasectomy," blending their personal experiences with retail satire.

• Griffin McElroy (08:01): "I'm gonna start wearing shirts that say, don't ask me about my vasectomy."

They also contemplate the future of body modifications, imagining a world where cybernetic enhancements become mainstream, further pushing the boundaries of their comedic imagination.

4. Dating Advice and the Concept of 'Rizz' (10:17 - 31:36)

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to a playful exploration of dating scenarios and the concept of "rizz" (a slang term for charisma or attractiveness). The brothers engage in roleplaying exercises, taking listener-submitted questions and humorously attempting to provide advice.

• Justin McElroy (10:17): "I'm in a standstill traffic in Atlanta right now, staring at a trunk with a hot pink truck nuts hanging off the hitch. Can you please tell me why only balls?"

They break down various dating scenarios, such as approaching someone at a gym or café, and strategize humorous and over-the-top responses.

• Griffin McElroy (16:13): "Validate their feelings and listen and don't try to fix their problems."

The segment is filled with rapid-fire jokes, improvisation, and the brothers' trademark comedic timing, making it a standout portion of the episode.

5. Advertisement Segment: Aura Frames Promo (32:15 - 36:27)

Following the main content, the brothers seamlessly transition into an advertisement segment for Aura Frames, a digital photo frame company.

• Justin McElroy (32:15): "If you are in the market for a holiday gift for someone you love or maybe just yourself, I'm gonna stride out of the shadows and take you by the hand and say, come on. We're going to Aura Frames because they are a fantastic company."

Travis adds his humorous twist, ensuring the promotion aligns with the episode's overall comedic tone.

• Travis McElroy (33:06): "I don't often give guarantees like this, but this is Travis and I can guarantee that an aura frame... you're not going to accidentally eat it."

6. Krispy Kreme Holiday Promotion and MunchQuad Segment (36:27 - 50:51)

The episode continues with more promotional content, this time for Krispy Kreme's holiday offerings. The brothers playfully critique and humorously analyze Krispy Kreme's themed donuts, weaving their observations into a mock "Shark Tank" style presentation.

• Griffin McElroy (46:03): "He steals the whole fucking town. Like he steals the whole town."

They discuss the "Grinchmas" donuts, blending festive themes with their irreverent humor.

Additionally, a sub-segment called "MunchQuad" features a fictional podcast within the podcast, adding another layer to the episode's playful narrative structure.

7. Final Thoughts, Promotions, and Upcoming Events (50:51 - 56:38)

As the episode nears its conclusion, the brothers promote upcoming events and merchandise, including "Champions Grove 2025" and various charitable initiatives.

• Justin McElroy (52:29): "You could watch the Canon lights special if you missed it. I hope you liked it if you watched it..."

They also reflect on the episode's energetic delivery and tease future content, maintaining their signature humor until the very end.

• Griffin McElroy (54:34): "1212 Day of Dozens."

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Griffin McElroy (00:00): "The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed."

• Justin McElroy (10:17): "I'm in a standstill traffic in Atlanta right now, staring at a trunk with a hot pink truck nuts hanging off the hitch. Can you please tell me why only balls?"

• Griffin McElroy (16:13): "Validate their feelings and listen and don't try to fix their problems."

• Justin McElroy (32:15): "If you are in the market for a holiday gift for someone you love or maybe just yourself..."

• Griffin McElroy (46:03): "He steals the whole fucking town. Like he steals the whole town."

• Travis McElroy (33:06): "I don't often give guarantees like this, but this is Travis and I can guarantee that an aura frame... you're not going to accidentally eat it."

Conclusion

Episode 742 of My Brother, My Brother And Me masterfully blends personal anecdotes, satirical advice, and lighthearted promotions, all wrapped in the brothers' distinct comedic flair. From Griffin's exaggerated vasectomy tale to their humorous takes on dating and holiday treats, the episode offers a rich tapestry of humor and genuine brotherly interaction. Whether navigating absurd medical modifications or dissecting the nuances of "rizz," the McElroy brothers deliver an episode that's both entertaining and quintessentially MBMBaM.

Transcript

[Griffin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

[Travis McElroy]

1, 2, 3.

[Unknown]

It's the start of something beautiful A small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into a precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life it feels like.

[Justin McElroy]

Life.

[Unknown]

It'S better it's better with you My life It's better it's better with you this is true it's better it's better with two.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello everybody. Welcome to My Brother, My Brother main advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, what up, Trap nation? It's me, your Miller's brother, Travis. Big dog wolf. Wolf McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's up chums? It's me, your sweet baby brother, Chrome jock. Psycho. Griffin McElroy. Griffin Zap McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

Did you say Chrome Jock. Psycho.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I'm a fucking street samurai. Chrome Psycho Jockey. Trav, the fact you don't know that makes you a real gonk.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, Makes me a what?

[Justin McElroy]

Why have you been shredding through so much ice lately? Why are you such.

[Griffin McElroy]

Baby, you know me. I'm a jockey and I gotta get chipped with the new shit. I was cruising down Dog street yesterday with my Chews. And I saw this ad in the scream sheets for a real psycho fucked up Ripper Doc down in tiny Kyoto. And so I cruised down there. Cause I'm always trying to get chip with the new shit. And I was flush with ED's from this gonk I zeroed.

[Travis McElroy]

What the fuck are you talking about?

[Griffin McElroy]

I zeroed a gonk and I clepped his head. Took him to the fucking Psycho Ripper Doc I found in the scream sheets. And he was like, what are you looking for? And I pointed at my crotch and he was like, third nut. And I was like, no, the other way. I was like, I want you to zero all my seed. 0 my seed for me, clear.

[Travis McElroy]

My crash.

[Griffin McElroy]

He got in there, he fucking bumped the ram on my Sandevistan and put some new launchers on my Mantis blades. And then he severed my vas deferens.

[Travis McElroy]

Completing the trifecta.

[Justin McElroy]

Completing it.

[Griffin McElroy]

And now I'm. Look at me, guys. I'm Glowing. I got all the new bio mods available. I gotta be at the top of the line when I live on the edge. Now, with your overclocked penis, it's more Travis, about the underclocking.

[Travis McElroy]

You underclocked your pink.

[Griffin McElroy]

I took a look at some of my benchmarks and I said, there's one of those in particular I would like to reduce to zero. Yesterday, this was that I was.

[Travis McElroy]

Took out all your Ram Dog Street.

[Griffin McElroy]

I unloaded. I unloaded. And I miss it.

[Justin McElroy]

I miss it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I miss all my guys.

[Travis McElroy]

So what, your 24 hours post?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, just about 25 hours post as the crow flies.

[Justin McElroy]

How has the recovery process been? What's the heaviest thing happening?

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, as funny as you think it's gonna be, it's like nonstop nut humor that you're like is also a moment that you're in.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And the moment lasts for a long time. But this is it, man. Guys, this is the martini shot on the whole generation of McElroy creation. That's it.

[Travis McElroy]

Did you have them put in the fake testicles for you like they give dogs?

[Griffin McElroy]

They didn't, as far as I know. Cause I asked afterwards, which was embarrassing. I was like, so what did you just do? Well, I knew what the end game was.

[Travis McElroy]

Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

When you asked what they just did, did the doctor say something like, don't worry about it, or like, it's done now, so it doesn't matter.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, my doc was super chill. He was like, you're gonna feel it. He was like, you have to feel it. Which I thought was weird. He was like, you're gonna feel it a little bit. And I was like, you really can't just pump it so full that I don't feel it at all. And he was like, it's normal to feel it a little bit. But he said, don't bear down. That makes it harder. He said just kind of. Just kind of take that moment and make space for it. Which I found.

[Justin McElroy]

You mentioned just a second ago that you're your doctor for your vasectomy was super chill. Considering the procedure was you allowed it to continue, I would assume that's understood. Because if he had come to you, like, well, here goes nothing.

[Travis McElroy]

First time for everything.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, right.

[Travis McElroy]

I can't believe they're letting me wrist my first one by myself.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, you don't have a spare hand to hold this scalpel, do you, pal?

[Griffin McElroy]

He gave me a bit of a hard time during the first.

[Travis McElroy]

The reverse is supposed to be.

[Griffin McElroy]

He gave Me, a soft time, but the first nut was hard, was difficult for me, and I was sort of doing some heavy breathing, and I got a little nauseous, and I was like, is it normal to feel, like, really nauseous right now? And he was like, yeah, for nervous guys.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, but he also read you like, a book then, Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, yeah. He also had my scrotum spatchcocked on the table in front of him, which is a real power dynamic that I don't even think he took time to stop and consider.

[Travis McElroy]

That's why you have to, like, wear a cool mask or something. So you're intimidating him while he's intimidating you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, I had on the sunglasses that pop out of my cheekbones, which was one of my first augs.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, yeah. Was that an expensive one?

[Griffin McElroy]

There were some older old head freaks there, too, who were getting some prostate Augs, and I was like, hell, yeah, dude. Don't ever give up. With the kind of bodywork we're able to get now, none of us ever has to die.

[Travis McElroy]

That's true. Did they give them to you in a jar afterwards for you to take home?

[Griffin McElroy]

I was.

[Justin McElroy]

Dang it, Travis. I was just about to ask that question, goofs aside.

[Griffin McElroy]

So there's no. And you guys have both had this done. I know. So there's. I still got him.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, we don't want to. Are you worried that people might listen to this podcast and take it as medical advice?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I still got him, but he did leave. You know, they go in and they take a little bit of the tubing out, and he just left that on the sort of operating tray after he flipping around, he said, chill here for five minutes. Yeah. He poured a hot broth over them, and they writhed on the tray. I was like, that's a chill, dude. Man.

[Travis McElroy]

And then you ate it for vitamins, right?

[Justin McElroy]

No, Travis, no, no. You're going to give people really misguided ideas about what this procedure is. Like, you do not consume anything.

[Travis McElroy]

They don't tell you this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Anything.

[Travis McElroy]

Here's the good news. Anyone listening at home, getting a vasectomy, whether you never want to have kids or you're done having kids, rules. Because then after that, when someone's like, you guys ever think about having another one? You could say stuff like, now that factory is closed, nobody ever goes in. Nobody ever comes out that factory.

[Justin McElroy]

If you want to be fucking weird.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you want to be, like, the weirdest possible about it.

[Travis McElroy]

You guys know me.

[Justin McElroy]

That's an insane thing to ask. Mind your own. Damn.

[Travis McElroy]

That's also true. That's also a good way to go with it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm gonna start wearing shirts that say, don't ask me about my vasectomy.

[Travis McElroy]

Read this pamphlet I've printed out.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, Griffin, if you wanna start selling shirts that say that, I think that we could make a really nice.

[Griffin McElroy]

Actually, yeah, that's.

[Justin McElroy]

Actually, I don't wanna talk about my vasectomy today.

[Travis McElroy]

We could. If there's a tiny.

[Justin McElroy]

Don't talk about my vasectomy.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, tiny, please. At the top. But it's just very little. Please don't ask me about mine. I don't want to be too aggressive about it.

[Justin McElroy]

Please understand.

[Travis McElroy]

I'd rather you not ask me about my vasectomy.

[Griffin McElroy]

There might be people who buy that earnestly wanting to get that message across. But it's gonna attract a lot of people who are gonna be fucking jokers about it and think this is a joke T shirt. Probably bought at Spencer's Gift.

[Travis McElroy]

We'll make the don't really big then. So it'd be like, don't ask me about vasectomy.

[Justin McElroy]

I feel like Spencer's Gifts. I went from. I realized this at the mall this week. I. There is an inflection point where I thought I was too young to go in Spencer's Gifts and if I got caught in there, someone would be like, get out of here. This is grown up stuff. Look at all these butts on this postcard, kid. Get out of here.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sure.

[Justin McElroy]

And now I definitely feel too old.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Like if I win, spitzers would be like, get out of here. This is. This stuff has Charlie XCX on it. You're not allowed to be in here. And so I've. I don't know if there is a point where anybody's allowed in Spencer's 21 to 23.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think there's 16. 16 and 17. You're one of those two ages where you're old enough to drive but too young to vote. You can go into Spencer's Gifts.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, okay. I.

[Justin McElroy]

Here's what I think. I think that everybody feels that way or else it's not Spencer's.

[Travis McElroy]

That's true. Because if you look, look in your heart. If you're somebody who walks into Spencer's Gifts and you think, I'm not challenged by any of this. Lock yourself in prison.

[Justin McElroy]

You're not getting pushed out of your comfort zone and ain't a Spencer's.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Or you're a monster.

[Justin McElroy]

Spencer's is next to your comfort zone, to the left of Auntie Ann's.

[Griffin McElroy]

What if cyber fucking psycho body mods became like, reality? I bet Spencer's Gifts would definitely become a big, big player in the space.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

In the chrome space. Give me a torso plate with demon Slayer guy on it.

[Travis McElroy]

I would like to transition from this discussion to our first question. Cause I think it's germane. If we could, please.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm in a standstill traffic in Atlanta right now, staring at a trunk with a hot pink truck nuts hanging off the hitch. Can you please tell me why only balls? Don't dudes care about the size of their noodle rather than the size of their balls? Am I missing something? What happened to this truck's noodles? This person is just asking about Chuck Nuts.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, I wanted to get your guys read on this because I have an.

[Griffin McElroy]

Assumption about the why it's nuts and not the.

[Travis McElroy]

The full package.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, okay. I'd love to hear your theory.

[Travis McElroy]

My assumption is the truck represents the dick. That the truck is the dick.

[Unknown]

That's cool.

[Travis McElroy]

And the balls hang off the back to indicate this is my truck dick.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, and I also think there's a suggestion that a truck probably has an internal dick. Like one that, like a dog. Like, it can come out. And I don't want to get too gross and blue about it, but I think anyone also. Would the shaft be. Sorry. Okay, here's the bumper of the truck.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Nuts are hanging.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is the shaft on the front of the balls as we're seeing it, or is it going this way? If the truck's. I'm saying if the truck's headlights are its head, and then you followed it down, and there would be balls. The shaft would not face the car behind.

[Travis McElroy]

No, it's on all fours.

[Griffin McElroy]

The front.

[Travis McElroy]

The truck is on all fours.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

You never see a truck walking on just two wheels.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, Travis, I understand that, but if you went downward dog right now, would your shaft hang on the back of your balls? No, man, no.

[Travis McElroy]

It would be on the front, kind of pointing down. That you would still only probably see.

[Griffin McElroy]

So I think anyone who just expects maybe the shaft is there and you just can't see it because you're Bob.

[Travis McElroy]

No, the truck is the shaft.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Justin McElroy]

You sound so wild right now. You know that?

[Griffin McElroy]

As crazy sids, why are the nuts the only anatomically correct part of the truck?

[Travis McElroy]

Well, I assumed you were indicating, like, this truck is a metaphor for my dick. And so here are some literal balls.

[Griffin McElroy]

But then in the metaphor, I'm inside my dick, driving it, going crazy.

[Travis McElroy]

It also would imply just On a scale difference?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I. My truck nuts are prescription. I like to have my balls out all the time. And I had trouble getting into vehicles. Even structures were a challenge for me because I didn't want my balls view to be obscured at any point.

[Griffin McElroy]

You need props.

[Justin McElroy]

Truck was really hard for me, especially truck cab, because I feel like I needed that behind me to carry all the baggage I had.

[Travis McElroy]

If you.

[Justin McElroy]

So my doctor said.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, let him finish, please.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you. You're sounding a lot like my doctor right now. I know you don't mean.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm sorry. Yes, please go on. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you. The doctor said that maybe I could attach these artificial nuts to the back of my truck so I could always be displaying my scrotum. It's modeled exactly on mine. It costs $18,000.

[Travis McElroy]

Whoa. Did you do a plaster cast, kind of like epoxy?

[Justin McElroy]

It was neoprene. Yeah, it was. Yeah. And the truck months themselves are held on with a neodymium magnet. That actually helps to charge my cell phone.

[Travis McElroy]

That's amazing.

[Griffin McElroy]

Whoa. That's cool.

[Justin McElroy]

It's rare. Earth is. In layman's parlance.

[Travis McElroy]

If you're someone with truck nuts, out of respect for your truck, you probably tuck him away. If you're gonna do, like, some mudding or off roading or whatever.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's illegal. Actually. If the cops catch you and you have magnets on the back of the truck nuts that let you swing them up out of sight whenever you're in a precarious social situation, that's illegal. You're not allowed to do that.

[Travis McElroy]

I would just feel terrible just letting my truck's nuts bang around like that and, like, hit rocks and get all muddy and stuff.

[Justin McElroy]

You can't see this image that we have friends, but this on the back of this truck, in addition to these, I gotta say, pretty big truck nuts. I mean, even for, like. I know. I don't like to comment on people's genitalia, but, like, those are pretty big.

[Travis McElroy]

I feel they're Optimus Prime.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. There is something on there on the truck that says, call for a free estimate. And I think that that is pretty.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's awesome.

[Justin McElroy]

That's pretty good. To not only have truck nuts, but here is a phone number where you can call me directly at any point to discuss these nuts. You know exactly how to do this.

[Travis McElroy]

This is a professional. This is a work vehicle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I can't see the area code or I would have got an answer on this already. Correct? Yeah, I just call him up. I'd like you to estimate why you. Why you have those.

[Travis McElroy]

Could you estimate. Where's your truck, Dick? Just estimate it for me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is the truck that. Can you estimate if the truck is the dick?

[Travis McElroy]

Is it or is it internal?

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you driving inside the metaphor of your truck, Dick?

[Justin McElroy]

The shaft is actually coming up underneath the tailgate. It's been squished.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, no.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's caught.

[Travis McElroy]

Not again. Yowch.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can actually see a little rubber man sticking out of the truck bed. Like.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Not again.

[Justin McElroy]

Poor guy.

[Unknown]

Ugh.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool.

[Justin McElroy]

I see blondies repeating strips. Dagwood got his nuts stuck in the truck again.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm gonna start making truck like arms and like a truck shoulder and maybe like a truck knee and just slowly kind of metamorphosize.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Still metamorphosized the truck.

[Justin McElroy]

I want a hereditary brand truck daughter for my passenger window.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Unknown]

Yeesh.

[Griffin McElroy]

The dick isn't funny. The balls are the only funny part of what's going on.

[Travis McElroy]

The dick is very serious.

[Griffin McElroy]

The dick is gross and weird.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm not gonna say. I'm not gonna go that far. Bodies are beautiful. But dick is a serious matter compared to the.

[Griffin McElroy]

Compared to the bottom part of it. It's funny and like, it rules, man. Down there. Hey, can I.

[Travis McElroy]

The whole situation is awesome.

[Griffin McElroy]

The whole stuff is so cool. I have an idea, and it's for a segment and it's like wikiHow, except Cynthia sent this in. WikiHow does a lot of other stuff other than just silly articles.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh.

[Griffin McElroy]

Written by well meaning amateur artists. They got games. And this one is the Riz game Test your Riz.

[Travis McElroy]

Huh?

[Griffin McElroy]

And I thought. I thought, let's knock it out. Wondering how much Riz you actually have. Calculate your Riz score and find out whether you've reached peak Rizzler status with our interactive game. I don't think you can say Rizzler status. I think I should have gotten that one.

[Justin McElroy]

Rizzler has been co opted by the Rizzler so hard that only the Rizzler.

[Travis McElroy]

Gets to be the Rizzler. Is that something multiple folks can be? Are you saying that was a title one had to earn through a series of.

[Justin McElroy]

I only know of one in my house. There's only one. The Rizzler.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

He's friends with Big justice and AJ.

[Travis McElroy]

So like, yeah, there's the Rizzler, the Once ler. And I think that's it. I think there's just baby grunt.

[Justin McElroy]

Sala Saloo.

[Griffin McElroy]

So this is a literal, like, little text parser quiz where you actually Type in your answer. So I thought we could like come up with the best answers together. I don't know how they grade this. It's probably not AI just cause it's wikihow and they only have it graded.

[Travis McElroy]

By like a professor. What are you talking about?

[Griffin McElroy]

It's possible, but I don't know how to say questions. I mean, it can be an essay if we want to write an essay, but that would probably not be great audio. So let me hit you with this. You come across one of these dating profiles. What's your opening line? We got Rebecca, 25, creative director at Wikipedia. So here's my story. I'm a teacher by day and a wannabe Reiki master by night. A native Oregonian. I couldn't live without my daily barefoot walk in the dewy morning grass. If you asked my friends, they'd say I'm a typical Libra with Aquarius tendencies. Or Michael, 28. He's going to University of Colorado, Boulder. I'm a competent, passionate and funny person. I teach taekwondo and do stunt work in films and television. You know all those times you see a naked man butt on screen? Yep.

[Travis McElroy]

Is there a. Is it rizzler to be like, pass.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, that's cool. I kind of don't hate that. Pass. Next swipe.

[Justin McElroy]

Whatever direction means you don't like it. I'm sorry. I got married in 2005. Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, either one of those people I'm sure is special for someone. Not for me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, we could also do this. We could be like, Rebecca, you should hit Michael up.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, yeah. You two would get along great.

[Justin McElroy]

That is a cute pairing. I wish I could pair.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, he teach taekwondo and you know the butt you butts you see on tv? Go for it.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, Griffin, I think you stumbled on something really good. Quick sidebar.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

A killer version of those apps would be like, I would do the dating apps if I didn't do the dating. I just saw people, I'm like, ooh.

[Griffin McElroy]

I got to do it.

[Justin McElroy]

Can I do that? They don't need AI for that.

[Travis McElroy]

I'll do it.

[Justin McElroy]

I'll do it.

[Griffin McElroy]

AI would not get it right because AI would be like. AI would be like, they both like Seinfeld.

[Justin McElroy]

Kiss, kiss.

[Griffin McElroy]

And you know, like, I'll do more shit.

[Justin McElroy]

They just gotta tell me everything, man.

[Travis McElroy]

I'll take it a step further and pay for the like, premium version. And I'll like impractical jokers in your ear, tell you what to say on the date.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck yes, please.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Alternatively, after you do the matching Those two have to get married at first sight. We'll be there every step of the way to help them through this challenging romance journey.

[Justin McElroy]

We'll deburger act their whole marriage, from beginning to end.

[Travis McElroy]

It's like the Sims, but real life.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're calling someone you're interested in. How do you make them smile?

[Travis McElroy]

I validate their feelings.

[Griffin McElroy]

Validate their feelings.

[Travis McElroy]

And I listen and don't try to fix their problems.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm talking a bunch of nonsense.

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so I just wrote everything.

[Justin McElroy]

Am I going in on cold? Cold approach?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, make them smile.

[Justin McElroy]

Juice, hard and egg. Hardened egg early. Hard and egg early.

[Travis McElroy]

My next is gonna be asking them about their day. And be Smile.

[Justin McElroy]

Defensive smile, defensive smile.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so so far I have smiles.

[Unknown]

A smile.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so I got. Validate their feelings and listen and don't try to. Just kidding. Hard neg early. A smile is a smile.

[Justin McElroy]

Even an uncomfortable.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're on the next one. What's your favorite question to ask on a first date?

[Justin McElroy]

I don't think that accurately. I think if Travis and I are going to workshop that a bit, we could.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, that would take too long.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Justin, when you're on the date, you don't have time to workshop.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's true.

[Justin McElroy]

That's true. But that's why we're taking a quiz, not on a date.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's your favorite question to ask on a first date?

[Travis McElroy]

Let me remember 15 years ago.

[Justin McElroy]

What I would ask my first date? The same question I ask all strangers. What food could you eat the most of?

[Travis McElroy]

It's pretty good.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you eat the most of? They're gonna be confused by that. Can we, like, flesh it out with, like, for instance.

[Justin McElroy]

I say, what? Well, I guess you could say, like, what food could you win an eating contest of? Cause that's usually if people need more clarification.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I like that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Could you win an eating. I mean, do you have an answer locked and loaded for this?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes. What? Yes, obviously. You think I'm going around asking people that without having an answer?

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you just stalling, right? Nachos, munchos.

[Travis McElroy]

Munchos.

[Justin McElroy]

Munchos.

[Travis McElroy]

Huh?

[Justin McElroy]

I ain't.

[Travis McElroy]

Fuck.

[Justin McElroy]

I ate four bags of munchos.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't care the amount of oil.

[Travis McElroy]

You're a fucking rebel, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm a lunatic. You don't know what I'm capable of. You know what else? You know what my real answer is? I just changed it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Cause I'm hungry. Peanut butter pretzels.

[Griffin McElroy]

Holy shit, dude. I drained a bucket of those the other day.

[Travis McElroy]

If I said if I could get like a novocaine shot that would like numb my jaw to any kind of jaw pain fuck, there's no stopping me with that.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, right. I would need some sort of lubricant, man.

[Travis McElroy]

Pretzel.

[Justin McElroy]

Cindy and I were talking about this and she got mad at me. Cause I said, I just need some way to keep my mouth wet. She said, don't say that. And I was like, but I mean.

[Travis McElroy]

We have to acknowledge. You know what I mean? Right.

[Justin McElroy]

I just gotta keep my mouth wet somehow.

[Griffin McElroy]

It is the human condition that we spend every moment of our life balancing the dryness or wetness of our mouth with food or drinks and pretzels. Throws that shit so far off.

[Travis McElroy]

Soak them in milk.

[Griffin McElroy]

Eat it.

[Justin McElroy]

Everybody's always looking when you're perusing for snacks. It's actually like this is this time honored American tradition where you're like going to the gas station. You're like, so what snacks do you want? And then you look at the snacks for a long time. You just want peanut butter filled pretzels.

[Griffin McElroy]

Because they taste all you want. Tastes good, fills you up if you need that protein.

[Justin McElroy]

Fills the up.

[Travis McElroy]

Get good protein.

[Griffin McElroy]

So I'm gonna. Hold on. Let me type that all out. I have what could food could you. What food could you eat the most of? What food could you win an eating contest of munchos or pbps? So thirsty.

[Travis McElroy]

Good.

[Griffin McElroy]

Next. You see your gym crush working out. How do you make the first move?

[Travis McElroy]

Don't.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's a quick one. And I agree. And we'll move right on. You spot someone cute in a cafe, how do you approach them?

[Travis McElroy]

Is this seat taken? Is that.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're pointing at their seat. You're pointing at the seat they're sitting in.

[Justin McElroy]

No, Griffin, serpentine.

[Travis McElroy]

That's the approach.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, that's the approach. You got to go in, veering back and forth. They can't see you coming. And then you're next to them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like serve a tea time. Maybe slice the pie.

[Travis McElroy]

Slice the pie next to them on the same side of the table.

[Griffin McElroy]

Watch your angles. Actually, if I could show you guys the image. Can you screen share in Riverside?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Click share.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you look. Actually it does look like a man is kind of like. Oh yeah, he's kind of doing a little solid snake.

[Travis McElroy]

It looks like a two way mirror.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. I have to. Sorry. This is completely different. This is a completely different question that the text would imply. The text says you spot someone cute in a cafe. How do you approach them? Absolutely fair. But in the image, what becomes clear is that you are outside the cafe and the person is inside the cafe. Ding.

[Travis McElroy]

The door swings open. Hey. Hey. Guys are different.

[Justin McElroy]

It's not a girl shop. You can't like, right?

[Travis McElroy]

Like, they are also reading a book, which is the universal sign for like, I would like left alone, please.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so how do you approach them? Go the opposite direction.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes. If it's meant to be. You'll meet each. Write your phone number in a book. They like books. Wait for the book at a nearby.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait for serendipity. Yeah, it'll happen.

[Travis McElroy]

Keep your grades up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Stay prayed up and just wait.

[Travis McElroy]

Keep your grades up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Keep your grades up. Yeah, sorry, I should be putting that at the end of each of those. It's your partner's birthday. What thoughtful gift do you give them?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like I'm gonna waste one of those on our fucking podcast. Nice try. Like, I'm gonna turn one of those into a joke and not an actual thing I do.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna give them time away from me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, that's sad.

[Travis McElroy]

With their friends.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that makes me sad. Trapp.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, it's sad, man. You're better than that.

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

You're better than that. It's blue collar comedy tour. Like, you're better than this.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Here's your.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, guys. I'm clearly not or they wouldn't need the day away from me. You know what I mean? I can be a lot.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. It just hurts to hear it. Makes me sad to hear it.

[Travis McElroy]

The picture shows flowers. So just say flowers.

[Griffin McElroy]

I guess so.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Write flowers like in the picture.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, the thoughtful thing implies that I'm thoughting about them and I can't thought about them in this hypothetical situation.

[Travis McElroy]

A specific thing for their specific tastes.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, you know, I guess something they like.

[Griffin McElroy]

They should make a shop where you go in and then there's just like a billion flowers to pick from. And it's like you're at the Lego store or at Coldstone and then you can put a bunch of different flowers together. Then you can take those and be like, I put a lot of thought into it. I picked each of the flowers in this thing.

[Travis McElroy]

There you go. I think too, man, let's put some of those Internet sleuths out there to go work. I wish I could go into a store and give them like all of Justin McIlroy's socials and then be like, in 20 minutes, give me like a list of recommendations for gifts that Justin would like.

[Justin McElroy]

Private detective gift. Yes, Advisor. That's so good.

[Travis McElroy]

Travis. Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

This sucks.

[Travis McElroy]

You know why?

[Justin McElroy]

We're never gonna be rich. It's just this stupid fucking podcast.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, we're giving it. We're giving it away.

[Justin McElroy]

If it weren't for this Dumbass podcast 80 times in my life already, I would have picked up the film and be like, travis, you're never gonna believe it. We never have to work again. And it's like, that's it. We're rich.

[Griffin McElroy]

Flowers, like in the.

[Justin McElroy]

Like those two blind brothers on Facebook all the time.

[Griffin McElroy]

What?

[Travis McElroy]

That could have been us.

[Justin McElroy]

We're brothers.

[Griffin McElroy]

What are you talking about, man?

[Justin McElroy]

Two blind brothers. It's a clothing company. They're brothers also. But they got rich. We did this stupid show.

[Travis McElroy]

We should have done that.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm not on your algo juice. Your algo is your blade that you crafted.

[Justin McElroy]

This is well known clothing. This is just.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

This is a well known, well known thing.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, Okay. I got flowers, like in the picture, customized to them, like at Cold Stone. Private Detective Gift Advisor. I lost the plot.

[Travis McElroy]

No, you nailed it.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're in charge of the next date. Where do you plan to sweep them off their feet?

[Travis McElroy]

What do you do to sweep them off their feet? That's easy. You're going for the ankles. You wanna go like a leg kick or maybe like a shoulder throw too would work.

[Griffin McElroy]

Get the waiter to kneel down behind them for a classic bullies push.

[Travis McElroy]

I love that.

[Justin McElroy]

The classic bullies push.

[Travis McElroy]

The classic bully's push.

[Griffin McElroy]

Dude, can you even imagine the first time? It was probably like 1780 and there was a kid who was like pushing his friend, but another friend was tying his shoes behind him. And it was totally an accident. But those two looked at each other like, whoa, whoa. We've really stumbled on something.

[Justin McElroy]

That's how we bring the big kids down.

[Travis McElroy]

Benedict bully.

[Justin McElroy]

You nailed them. Work against them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, last one.

[Justin McElroy]

I would actually say that trick. I don't think of it as a bully's shove. Right. I think that is like a David and Goliath style technique to take out. Get a big guy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, it would be like David and Greg and Goliath. You need a couple Daves in there. Your partner is having a bad day. How do you cheer them up? Last one.

[Travis McElroy]

Hold them.

[Unknown]

Why?

[Justin McElroy]

I just said hold their feet. Why are they still so sad?

[Griffin McElroy]

Hold them comfortable. Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

I said accountable, but accountable.

[Griffin McElroy]

Comfortable for their sense.

[Justin McElroy]

They comma, make them comfortable. I would like them to be comfortable. Why? They're accountable.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so they're doing some reflection and you're making Sorry, Griff.

[Justin McElroy]

Sorry. Quick sidebar. I would like to reverse the clauses so that they are comfortable and then you hold them accountable. The accountability is going to flow a lot better. If they're already physically comfortable, you want to.

[Travis McElroy]

You want them to let their guard down before the accountability starts.

[Justin McElroy]

There's no. Yeah. If the accountability happens while you hold.

[Griffin McElroy]

Them accountable for their sins. Okay, cool. All right, let's see how we do.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Got an Amex ad. Not gonna sign up for one of those. This is my reward according to this ad window. Oh, no.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, boy.

[Griffin McElroy]

We got a 22 out of 100. Your rizz is terrible.

[Justin McElroy]

On what metric? I gotta see a little bit more context, Leah.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm sure that they have the machine learning fucking breakdown. No, I mean, they just said, have you interacted with a person before? Your responses came off as confusing and at times rude.

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's confusing.

[Travis McElroy]

And now you're talking about it. So tell me, who's Riz's bad computer? Because you're still thinking about a computer, trying to understand it. That's Riz, baby.

[Justin McElroy]

This is the number one thing that computers should not be telling us how to do.

[Travis McElroy]

Talk to yourself.

[Justin McElroy]

Can we agree on that? Like, yeah, there's nothing. We can barely figure this out and we got like a thousand supercomputers. There's no way that a computer should be telling me about Riz. It's the last human frontier.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I wouldn't tell a computer how to seduce another computer.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, when we.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, I'd watch Cylons, I'd watch.

[Justin McElroy]

It's the Rizz that's what separates us.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. You don't know how we're selling these lines.

[Griffin McElroy]

I saw Battlestar Galactica. Man, they can rizz with the best.

[Travis McElroy]

They rizz pretty hard, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, you just did an incredible impression of the xo. Why are you doing that? Yeah, I know where your Cylons are.

[Travis McElroy]

They're Rizzo everywhere.

[Griffin McElroy]

My spine clothes all red. Whenever I get a boner. That's my next aug. Take a break. A hog aug. Next time I aug my hog. I'm getting that glowed spine stuff. Baby.

[Justin McElroy]

It'S better.

[Unknown]

It's better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

If you are in the market for a holiday gift for someone you love or maybe just yourself, I'm gonna stride out of the shadows and take you by the hand and say, come on. We're going to Aura Frames because they are a fantastic company. Voted actually the number one digital frame by Wirecutter. Believe it or not, I do believe it. I'm glad you do, trav, because it's 100% true. It's a great gift because you can set it up beforehand even if the person's not super tech savvy. You can plug in their wifi info, all that stuff before and then after you give it to them and plug it in, you can shoot them pictures from all over the world using the Aura app. Right after you take them, you just zip them over to your friends and family's frames. The person doesn't have to know a lot about technology. They just have to love seeing new pictures of you. It's a great way to keep people in the loop.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't often give guarantees like this, but this is Travis and I can guarantee that an aura frame, there's almost 100% chance that you're not going to accidentally eat it. So like that's huge.

[Justin McElroy]

That's true. You're almost probably never going to eat these. Save on the perfect gift.

[Griffin McElroy]

They don't look tasty. They don't look like.

[Travis McElroy]

That's what I'm saying.

[Justin McElroy]

You're not going to do it on there unless you have a picture of shit. Save on a perfect gift by visiting orframes.com buy two in case you eat one. You'll get $35 off. Or as best selling Carver matte frames by using promo code, my brother at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code, my brother. This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply.

[Griffin McElroy]

For real? God's honest, the fucking scream sheet I went on to find this ripper doc, guys, for my, for my modification was in fact Zocdoc. I did go on Zocdoc.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm so sorry. Listen, listen, zocdoc, if you're listening, I'm sorry. My brothers, my family. I've decided to take some time off to reflect on my choices. Spend some time with my wife and kids. I'm so sorry for everything I've done. I'm just going to live here in this moment.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're all in this moment, aren't we? You've all made us part of this moment. You've trapped us in this moment like the jaws of an antlion.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I've already done an advertisement and I'm not gonna do your guys work for you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Dude, it is not about the work. I was revved up and ready to go. ZoCTOC was listening. The fucking boss of ZoCTOC was like, yes, yes, yes. They're going to do one actually, like with very present experience. This is gonna be a good one.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. And what sucks is like at this point he now has realized, like he got excited. He was like, wow, a four minute ad. We'll really get our money's worth. Like at this point.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, I hope someone told him. I hope someone told him. ZocDoc is a place you go to find medical practitioners for whatever you need in your area and then you can find out if they're like in network for you. And then you can, sometimes you can just book your appointments right fucking there on the app. I said, I am looking to sterilize baby. And ZoCTOC was like, here's your guy. Catch you Tuesday. Well, first I had to do a consultation, but then I did. Anyway, I found the guy on zoctoc. I found most of my medical folks, my team as I call them, here in D.C. on Zocdoc because it's really, really easy. And if you live in a big city and you struggle to find that, you should do it too. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality and network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs. Click to instantly book an appointment. Talking about in network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty from mental health to dental health, eye care to skincare, and much more. Plus, Zocdoc appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments.

[Travis McElroy]

And again, I'm sorry, zocdoc, if you're listening again, apologies.

[Griffin McElroy]

And that boss was probably like, well, at least they'll get through the call to action without interruption. No. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments. Go to zocdoc.com mybrother to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c d o c.com mybrother zocdoc.com mybrother Travis, anything else you want to say?

[Travis McElroy]

No, just again.

[Griffin McElroy]

Anything else?

[Travis McElroy]

Just again, I'm so sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

How about another question, please? My fiance proposed to me at the local tree farm while we were there picking out a Christmas tree. He had everything planned and put an incredible amount of effort into making it perfect. He led me to look at a specific tree he'd already picked out ahead of time that had a scenic background at sunset behind us. Of course I said yes. But brothers, how do I tell Him. I hate the tree.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck.

[Justin McElroy]

That's from Pine Proposal Pickle in the Palouse.

[Griffin McElroy]

You've already. Shit, man. Can we just lay out sort of a blanket. This is. Obviously. We've been doing this for a long time. We have a lot of. Kind of, like, best practices when it comes to writing a question to mbmbam. I think a question you should ask yourself before you submit anything to us is by sending this question into Du Bois, am I creating or otherwise dramatically extending the paper trail of this quandary that I am stuck in?

[Justin McElroy]

Right, that's true.

[Travis McElroy]

Because now we're complicit.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're complicit. You have tied our hands. Our hands behind our own backs to say anything except. Well, he's going to find out. Yeah, he'll find out at some point. And you might have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these darn kids. And, you know, you voluntarily emailed your issue to.

[Travis McElroy]

If you had sent this email in, like, three weeks ago. Like, my boyfriend keeps coming home smelling of pineapple, and I'm finding, like, wedding ring receipts everywhere. I think he's gonna propose to me at a Christmas tree farm in front of a tree. But I wanna make sure it's a good tree. If it's an ugly tree, I don't know what to do. Then you would have had options.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I think the bigger question mark for me that. I don't know, besides the fact that, like, is there a picture of the tree?

[Travis McElroy]

No, no. Non was included.

[Justin McElroy]

Interesting. Okay, so other than that, I would ask. Uh. Man, I thought I was gonna sneeze.

[Griffin McElroy]

God.

[Travis McElroy]

I told you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Holy shit, man. For real. I thought you were having an emotional moat.

[Justin McElroy]

Like, I thought you were having a tiny heart attack. I thought I was gonna.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, man, that's. No, you just, like, touched your chest in a way, and I was like.

[Griffin McElroy]

You touched your chest and you, like, licked your lips, and I was like, is this man about to bust teeth?

[Travis McElroy]

I thought he was having a medical. A tiny medical emergency. I thought he busted.

[Griffin McElroy]

Great sneeze. But that was just a little sneeze for me.

[Justin McElroy]

The number one question is, is it decorated yet or not? Because I hate decorating Christmas trees. I'm sorry, guys. I hate that shit. There's a thousand of them, and you have to put them all up and then a month later, take them all down. I hate that shit. If I wanted to do this, I would clean my house. Now it's just making a mess and then cleaning it back up later. I hate doing that. So if it's already decorated, fucking who cares? Here's how it's decorated. We can have a talk. We can talk.

[Travis McElroy]

Here's what I'll throw out. Because we have artificial.

[Justin McElroy]

So close to the camera, Travis. And it is given the entire show this wild energy.

[Travis McElroy]

We have an artificial tree. And there is always a moment, there is a period of time when tree comes out of box and you have to start spreading everything out where. When I start, I'm so committed to, like, as I spread, it's going to look perfect. And then I get like a third of the way through and I'm like.

[Justin McElroy]

This is one of the hardest ones to explain to the aliens, I think, is fake tree to look like real tree. And they're like, why would you ever have real tree in house? Like, I know, I know, I know.

[Travis McElroy]

But I do the same thing. That's because they don't know about the fluffer process.

[Griffin McElroy]

You gotta fluff it every year. I only ever fluff the bottom third, though, giving it a sort of flirty Farrah Faucet kind of flick at the bottom fly.

[Justin McElroy]

Farrah Faucet flick?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck. I also wear work gloves now when I do the fluffing process.

[Justin McElroy]

I learned that, yeah, work gloves and long sleeves are a muscle arms otherwise.

[Griffin McElroy]

So fluff it. Have you not? Well, it's a real tree. You can't really. It's harder to fluff a real tree. Huh.

[Travis McElroy]

Is there a good side to it?

[Justin McElroy]

What?

[Travis McElroy]

Is there a good side to the tree that maybe if you display that side of the marriage.

[Justin McElroy]

Side of the marriage. That's a better question.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is there a good way to spin this whole stinker of a situation of like, it's not reflective of the future love we share. It's funny.

[Travis McElroy]

You find the good side, though. That's a good story to do at like, you know, the wedding reception where you're like, you know, just like Derek. At first I thought this tree was a real garbage heap, but then I found a way to kind of fix it.

[Justin McElroy]

The secret, I think, to a happy marriage, that I think is a. This is actually a really good time to learn this.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck yeah, man.

[Travis McElroy]

Now here comes that emotional moment. Grevin, this is it.

[Justin McElroy]

When you feel something that you feel like might make the other person feel pain or discomfort. And this is really, I guess with every.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, he's trying.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, you can. The trick is, I think as you get older, you learn the trick is to make yourself not feel that. You know what I mean? So if.

[Travis McElroy]

Huh.

[Justin McElroy]

So if in your marriage or friends or whatever it is, if you think like, if I say this about the tree, it would hurt them. And you know that's true.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right?

[Justin McElroy]

I think the secret is to look deep down on yourself and change that feels.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sure.

[Justin McElroy]

So as to not make others any other.

[Travis McElroy]

So you're saying, like your own needs and wants and like stuff that'll make you happy.

[Griffin McElroy]

It doesn't always have to be only.

[Justin McElroy]

Needs and wants before you change them. Do you understand, Travis?

[Griffin McElroy]

Now they're just memories.

[Travis McElroy]

Memories.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a different guy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Stuff I had stuff I liked once. I will say juice, if you could. We're recording this, which is awesome because this is an energy you're going to need to channel when we're in the boardrooms of the investors for our our matchmaking get married at first sight app. If you can bring this heat, we're going to be batting 1,000 in a way.

[Justin McElroy]

And soon my brother me feel different. You know what I mean? It's like it's together. Together. Feel different together.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's huge. Yes. Yes.

[Unknown]

I want to munch squaw.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've never seen the transformation.

[Unknown]

I want to monster. My cape is draped over the side of my chair and it made it look like I have a growth. Hello.

[Travis McElroy]

Very velvety.

[Griffin McElroy]

It is. And I don't remember seeing those band leader buttons podcast.

[Travis McElroy]

You sound kind of epaulette. Are you okay?

[Unknown]

Or epaulette. Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm sorry. Do you have walking pneumonia? Dracula. Oh, sorry.

[Unknown]

Welcome to MunchQuad, the podcast within the podcast profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating. My name is Celtdonut. Today I'll be speaking to you about the new offering.

[Travis McElroy]

Very professional.

[Unknown]

Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

We don't normally get this kind of Shark Tank presentation.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, usually you fly on.

[Unknown]

I'm coming to you. I feel a little bit out of sorts and I'm going to be leaning on you to provide some much needed context for me.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, we'll do it. We can.

[Unknown]

I'm going to share a picture because I think it communicates much more quickly this Christmas season. But not yet. This Christmas season, every who down in Whoville will cry out woohoo. Because they had Krispy Kremes. No collection. And so could you. There's a mischievous crunch. Who likes cookies. And.

[Griffin McElroy]

That made me laugh so hard. My ball shirt.

[Unknown]

Who likes cookies and cream. And Cindy Lou, who is a Mary Berry dream, a fan fave Santa belly is back and bursting with cream.

[Justin McElroy]

Did you see Mary Berry, like a.

[Travis McElroy]

Former judge on Great British Bake Off.

[Unknown]

Meet Grinchy claws with sprinkles red and green. We're getting Friday, November 29th for a limited time at participating Krispy Kreme shops.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, before you show the image, Count Donut, can I make a guess? Two of them will be really well detailed and themed, one will be sort of themed and one's like really phoned.

[Griffin McElroy]

In a color that is typically associated.

[Unknown]

Well, how interesting. Let me summon up a picture of them to see just how far off.

[Justin McElroy]

The mark you could possibly be.

[Unknown]

Not at all.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Oh, fuck.

[Justin McElroy]

The answer is exactly.

[Griffin McElroy]

These shitty donuts made me laugh and then it made my body hurt. That sucks, dude.

[Unknown]

Santa belly is a red one with a belt across that. There's three glazed. Just for the fucks of it.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, yeah. Just for the.

[Griffin McElroy]

We all know what that one tastes like right now. I am curious, Count Donut, which of these sort of makes you the most kind of hungry vis a vis? Kind of like consuming the flesh?

[Unknown]

I will answer your question with a quote and then more talking. It's from Dave Skinner, who wants to.

[Justin McElroy]

Celebrate Christmas with Krispy Kreme. Our merry Grinchmas donuts are guaranteed to make even the Grinchiest Grinch smile, said.

[Unknown]

Dave Skinnung, Krispy Kreme Global Chief Brand.

[Justin McElroy]

Officer at Krispy Kreme. You're a sweet one, Mr. Grunch.

[Unknown]

So guys, who is this Grunch?

[Travis McElroy]

Who is the grunge.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Who is the Grinch?

[Unknown]

Everyone is. I only know of Santa and then.

[Justin McElroy]

There'S a man who looks like him.

[Unknown]

But he's a Grinch.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, let's.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't think he's a grind. I think he's the Grange.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think there's. There's not more than one Grange. There's just the one. So I do think you would actually enjoy this character a lot, Count Donut. He lives in solitude.

[Unknown]

I love this.

[Griffin McElroy]

At the peak of a mountain. He plays an organ.

[Travis McElroy]

Mountain, I think.

[Unknown]

Try to find a mountain these days. Impossible. He's old money. I love this.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's. He was grandfathered into the mountain. His parents laid him there in an egg. He came out rent controlled. So, yeah, sort of a rent controlled. But he plays the organ. And he really resents all of the stupid villagers.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, the commercialism, really.

[Griffin McElroy]

The commercialism. But he also just doesn't like the people very much.

[Justin McElroy]

He hates Christmas.

[Griffin McElroy]

He does hate that.

[Justin McElroy]

This is my.

[Unknown]

What does he do?

[Travis McElroy]

What's his story? He commits grand larceny.

[Griffin McElroy]

He steals the whole fucking town. Like he steals the whole town.

[Travis McElroy]

And now here's the thing. Here's the thing.

[Justin McElroy]

Who apologizes?

[Unknown]

This is a great. This man sounds like this Grinch sounds like a great criminal.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's actually pronounced Grinch. Grinch.

[Travis McElroy]

He lies to children. He speaks in through Grinch. Nailed it. Yeah, Grinch.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can you say donkey for me? Countdown just out of donkey.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, that sounded like it was one of those like how to pronounce this word videos. Like on YouTube.

[Unknown]

I used to watch those to fall asleep Donkey.

[Travis McElroy]

So there's a lot.

[Unknown]

I never know which words would be like that.

[Travis McElroy]

So the Grinch is written from the point of view. Step stool from the point of view of who? Apologists who are like, the Grinch doesn't understand Christmas. The who's really dear. He steals stuff from them, they sing, and he learns the true meaning of Christmas. But really the whole problem was their houses were filled with dumb shit that they were giving each other and playing with at Christmas. And then he kind of reminds them about the real meaning of Christmas.

[Unknown]

Wow, this story sounds like a mess. Why does Santa allow him to operate Amnesty? He's trying to turn a blind eye.

[Travis McElroy]

The Grinch is a confidential informant. So he gets away with a lot of stuff because he narcs to the cops.

[Griffin McElroy]

Whoville's also so small that you could fit it on the head of a pen. And so if Santa Claus tried to intervene in any way, he would absolutely obliterate the entire like world that they live on.

[Unknown]

So if I went, if I went to Dave Scanner, Krispy Kreme and I said, David, why are three of the donuts plain? He would say, it's like Grinch joke.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Yes, that's maybe that's what they would tell you. It's like a hilarious Grinch joke.

[Travis McElroy]

One of the donuts is also, from what I can see, a chocolate donut with kind of Christmas colored sprinkles.

[Justin McElroy]

Two of them are this two pack.

[Travis McElroy]

Like turd of white frosting and then it appears just like a plastic Grinch on it?

[Justin McElroy]

It's probably not plastic, but yes, it's probably.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And you're not gonna tell me that every time you order one of those Christmas tree donuts that one of their donut technicians is sitting down to intricately do a curved, perfect Christmas tree every time?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the job. I am still curious. Count donut if you want to chomp in. I know you don't like to eat donuts, but one that is a sort of simulation of a man's torso.

[Unknown]

No, thank you. I would. I feel like the Santa belly full of goo is so sad. It's so. It makes me unpleasant to eat it.

[Griffin McElroy]

And so would you rather eat the head of the Grinch?

[Unknown]

I barely know this man. Now I can't talk into his.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, do you prefer to eat people that you know?

[Unknown]

Well, I don't wish to eat in the people. I just drink their blood. If you eat the people, they don't make more blood.

[Travis McElroy]

That's beautiful. That's true.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

On December 12th, Krispy Kreme will continue to spread holiday cheer with the return of its annual 1212 Day of Dozens.

[Griffin McElroy]

1212 Day of Dozens.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, I see.

[Unknown]

Because it's on $1 original Glaze Dozen when they purchase and he doesn't regular price.

[Travis McElroy]

There's no way you're making money on that Krispy Kreme.

[Griffin McElroy]

No way.

[Unknown]

No. Unless you're. Unless they're just selling sugar and butter, in which case they're doing okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. Oh, Justin, you're back.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi. How's it going?

[Griffin McElroy]

Usually there's more fancy.

[Justin McElroy]

Wow, there's some really delicious donuts on my screen. Here, let me click these off because I'm getting too hungry.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin, say step stool.

[Unknown]

Step stool.

[Griffin McElroy]

Whoa, it's backwards.

[Travis McElroy]

I knew it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you remember when Justin had that electricity accident?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And it switched some of his stuff around backwards? Yeah, that's one of them.

[Justin McElroy]

Here's the deal. We'd normally record longer, but it's December. Okay. I got senioritis.

[Travis McElroy]

It gets darker earlier these days.

[Griffin McElroy]

It gets dark early.

[Justin McElroy]

That means I have less daylight for podcasting. And the show's over.

[Griffin McElroy]

And every time I laugh, it does. It hurts downstairs.

[Justin McElroy]

And for some reason, I am extremely sweaty, as though I've been wearing a fur lined cape.

[Travis McElroy]

Griffin. I want you to know, without him, I've tried to be really not funny this episode. Especially crushed it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I appreciate that.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you. I was really, like, tamping.

[Justin McElroy]

How long ago did you think you got it done?

[Travis McElroy]

A couple months ago. Right.

[Griffin McElroy]

It was now about 25 hours and 50 minutes.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, my God, I got so many goofs stored up. Next episode, I'm coming in hot and having.

[Griffin McElroy]

So do I. I got a lot of goofs stored up. Nice. I don't think that that's actually how it works. Again, I went into this whole process filled with nothing but kind of blind faith in my brothers that they gotta get this. This hack. You gotta get this mod done. And I did.

[Justin McElroy]

You could. You could watch the Canon lights special if you missed it. I hope you liked it if you watched it, but if you missed it, you can go to Bit Ly can lights tickets, 2024. You can still get that VOD through January 4th. And all proceeds from that show and merch related to it are going to Harmony House, which works to end homelessness in the Huntington area through permanent housing and supportive service programs. It's a fantastic organization. Sydney works there. We've supported them for a really long time, and they really, really could use your support. I was literally upstairs before this getting together some winter coats to take over. It's tough. So anything you can do is really, really appreciated. Bit ly candlenights tickets, 2024.

[Travis McElroy]

Also wanted to make sure y'all know we're not gonna be doing new episodes of Sawbones, Wonderful Shmanders, Adventure Zone or My Brother, My brother and me, December 24th through the 30th. Taking that time off for the holidays. Also want to let you know. So Champions Grove 2025 packages are on sale now. Champions Grove is the event that I did last year and it went so well. We're doing it again. Get together at Ravenwood Castle in Hocking Hills, Ohio, on Memorial Day.

[Justin McElroy]

Again, I went. It's fun.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Thank you, Justin. Get some creators together. We're going to have Jason Charles Miller, Danielle Radford, Katie Osborne, Paul Foxcroft, Tybee Diskin and Jasper Cartwright. They're hosting games and doing different activities with everybody.

[Justin McElroy]

You can put me on a poster about it if you want.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, maybe it's fun. That's what I'll say.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, try it. It's fun.

[Travis McElroy]

But those packages are available now. There's only a few left, so don't miss your chance to get them.

[Justin McElroy]

Shit.

[Travis McElroy]

Man.

[Justin McElroy]

Griffin looks like he's looking at the devil's nudes.

[Travis McElroy]

I'll wrap up real quick. Go to championsgrove.com.

[Justin McElroy]

No, not so quick. You're going to make him bust. Please slow down.

[Griffin McElroy]

I love. I'm so happy for Champions Group. And I desperately want people to know we got merch 20% off dice all through the end of the year. And you gotta get that fungal or stuff you want. 10% of all proceeds gonna be donated to Harmony House. Also, don't forget.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, I've got this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you, Montaigne. Also, you're so choice.

[Justin McElroy]

I just wanna say that I feel like throughout this episode I've been a little overly loud and aggressive. And I think it's because the idea that by making my brother laugh, I could also make his nuts hurt has filled me with a sense of power, wonder, urgency. Urgency. Thank yes, urgency, Travis. That's the word I've been.

[Griffin McElroy]

Urgency. This episode caps off our fucking Cornetto trilogy of Vasectasodes. Vasectasodes. This is Vasectasode Number 3. Complete the fucking trail.

[Justin McElroy]

Dude, you scan this Mountain Dew UPC.

[Travis McElroy]

You can unlock Vasectosode 7. New from LEGO Vasecta suits. Put yours together today, you'll never capture the Vasecta crystal. Vasecticons roll out. No two vasecticons are the same. Mix and match with your friends. He's removing my truck.

[Griffin McElroy]

Knots Stop. Do the fucking wish.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, Justin, Rita, Wish. Griffin and I will do the Sabbath.

[Justin McElroy]

Sorry, I'm looking for it. I just saw it. I wish Columbo was in every detective show. Yes, I'm including Alice. My name is Justin McCarron.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm Travis McIlroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin McIlroy.

[Justin McElroy]

My brother. My brother. Me. Kiss your dad square on the lips.

[Unknown]

My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. Is it true? It's better, it's better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

My life.

[Unknown]

It'S better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

Maximum Fun A worker owned network of.

[Griffin McElroy]

Artist owned shows supported directly by.