MBMBaM 760: ImMaxulate Conception

Summary

My Brother, My Brother And Me – Episode 760: "ImMaxulate Conception" Summary

Release Date: April 28, 2025

In Episode 760 of My Brother, My Brother And Me (MBMBaM), titled "ImMaxulate Conception," hosts Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy embark on their signature blend of humor, advice-giving, and quirky discussions. This episode delves into unconventional topics, including a satirical take on a fictional Jesus movie and amusing listener questions that showcase the brothers' unique perspectives.

1. Opening Banter and Musical Interlude (00:00 – 01:00)

The episode kicks off with the brothers engaging in playful banter. Griffin humorously disclaims their expertise, stating, "The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed" (00:00). This lighthearted start sets the tone for an episode filled with witty exchanges and comedic relief.

2. Discussion on a Fictional Jesus Movie (01:00 – 09:00)

The main segment begins with Justin introducing a mock discussion about a hypothetical animated Jesus movie. He shares his experience watching the Minecraft movie with his kids, where episodes of the fictional "The Chosen" were being aired (01:45). This leads to a humorous exploration of the movie's cast, featuring exaggerated appearances by high-profile actors such as Pierce Brosnan as Pontius Pilate and Mark Hamill as King Herod.

Travis humorously quips, "Are you trying to be like Jason Bourne now?" while Griffin adds, "This kicks ass" (02:20), highlighting the brothers' knack for blending pop culture references with satire.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin McElroy (02:29): "You see how we did it?"
• Travis McElroy (05:28): "I'm going with Pontius Pilate, guys."

3. Listener Question: Encouraging a Child's Love for Goofy (09:00 – 17:00)

Justin presents a listener's dilemma about how to foster a deep love for Goofy in his young son, arising from a playful request he made to a reluctant neighbor. The neighbor complied by taking countless pictures with Goofy, much to Justin's amusement.

Griffin offers practical yet humorous advice, suggesting, "You could show them Goofy Movie, but they might be hugely uncomfortable with the complicated social dynamics" (11:45). Travis adds his psychological take, noting, "Goofy is the safest choice to be like" (11:11), reinforcing the idea that Goofy’s broad appeal makes him an ideal character for children.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin McElroy (10:43): "How can I get my son to have a deep love of Goofy before they give him this gift?"
• Griffin McElroy (11:45): "Sometimes with jokes you got to run through and like, I don't know why it is what it is, but like Goofy is the pull."

4. Listener Question: How to Become Jason Bourne (17:00 – 34:00)

The brothers tackle a tongue-in-cheek question from a listener eager to transform into the action hero Jason Bourne, referencing a hypothetical wikiHow guide. This segment is rich with comedic advice that parodies self-help articles, providing absurd yet entertaining steps to emulate Bourne's skills.

Griffin comically advises, "Choose a martial art to study and practice" (21:56), while Travis sarcastically reflects, "I could go back in time to when they were making the poster for the Bourne Legacy, I would have pitched the tagline. There was never a Jason Bourne" (35:00). The discussion satirizes the unrealistic expectations set by media portrayals of espionage and combat prowess.

Notable Quotes:

• Griffin McElroy (21:56): "Choose a martial art to study and practice."
• Travis McElroy (35:00): "There was never just one [Jason Bourne]."

5. Satirical Take on a Sauce Launch Party (34:00 – 49:00)

In a departure from traditional advice segments, the brothers create a fictional advertisement for "Smash Kitchen," a sauce brand launched by actor Glenn Powell. This segment is laced with satirical endorsements from celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio and Aaron Paul, mocking typical product launch festivities.

Travis humorously remarks, "I don't like this" while Justin sarcastically praises the product, saying, "Glenn Powell, go eat a huge pile of shit" (43:30). The exaggerated endorsements and ridiculous product claims serve as a parody of celebrity-endorsed marketing campaigns.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin McElroy (42:03): "Glen Powell is launching a new line of sauces."
• Travis McElroy (43:48): "Let's not say things about Glen Powell we can't back up like he's a huge asshole peddling anti science nonsense."

6. Conclusion and Final Banter (49:00 – 52:33)

The episode wraps up with the brothers reflecting on their earlier segments, maintaining their trademark humor. They discuss upcoming shows and events, keeping the atmosphere light and entertaining. The final moments are marked by their signature musical outro and playful interactions, reinforcing the camaraderie that defines MBMBaM.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin McElroy (51:53): "This has been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips."
• Travis McElroy (52:07): "It's better with you my life it's better it's better you."

Key Takeaways

• Humorous Satire: The episode uses satire to mock typical advice segments and celebrity endorsements, providing listeners with both laughs and an unconventional take on everyday dilemmas.

• Listener Engagement: By addressing unique and quirky listener questions, the brothers showcase their ability to blend humor with genuine advice, making the content relatable yet entertaining.

• Pop Culture References: The frequent references to movies, TV shows, and celebrities create a rich tapestry of pop culture that resonates with listeners familiar with these elements.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Justin McElroy (02:29): "You see how we did it?"
• Travis McElroy (05:28): "I'm going with Pontius Pilate, guys."
• Justin McElroy (10:43): "How can I get my son to have a deep love of Goofy before they give him this gift?"
• Griffin McElroy (21:56): "Choose a martial art to study and practice."
• Travis McElroy (35:00): "There was never just one [Jason Bourne]."
• Justin McElroy (42:03): "Glen Powell is launching a new line of sauces."
• Travis McElroy (43:48): "Let's not say things about Glen Powell we can't back up like he's a huge asshole peddling anti science nonsense."
• Justin McElroy (51:53): "This has been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips."

Conclusion

Episode 760 of My Brother, My Brother And Me continues to deliver the brothers' signature comedic advice and banter. Through satirical discussions and humorous listener questions, Justin, Travis, and Griffin provide an engaging and entertaining listening experience that both regular fans and newcomers can enjoy.

Transcript

[Griffin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if.

[Griffin McElroy]

There'S a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

[Travis McElroy]

It's the start of something beautiful A.

[Griffin McElroy]

Small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into.

[Travis McElroy]

A precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life, it feels like it's better it's better with you My life, it's better it's better with you this is true it's better it's better with.

[Griffin McElroy]

Two.

[Justin McElroy]

It'S better with you hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, Me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your middlest brother, Travis. Vroom, vroom, McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm trying to decide, Trav, and maybe you could help me make this choice whether or not to let that slide or make it part of it. Make it like a sort of diegetic part of the show.

[Travis McElroy]

I think it's part of it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why did you say Happy Easter Juice? Why did you start this? It's after Easter. As we record this, I know that there's a gap between this.

[Justin McElroy]

That was before the. That wasn't in the recording.

[Griffin McElroy]

It was according to. It is me and Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

Because now we've referenced it. It must be. You see how we did it?

[Justin McElroy]

Because in my head, I was thinking about how I went to see the Minecraft movie with my kids.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

And when I went to see the Minecraft movie, I saw that they were showing episodes of the Jesus TV show the Chosen, which is.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, no, the other Jesus show. And by the way, in the finale of Lost, when they reveal that it Perfect Strangers. Just a huge Christian allegory. I felt personally betrayed by that.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, there were shown episodes of chosen. It's a TV show about Jesus that has made $800 billion. And the other thing?

[Travis McElroy]

Is Jesus working with a detective to solve crimes? Cause if not, I'm not interested.

[Griffin McElroy]

That kicks ass.

[Justin McElroy]

No, it's just the same story and we all know how it ends. But this is the. Speaking of.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, Griffin, you didn't introduce yourself. And now people are.

[Griffin McElroy]

Griffin McElroy. Thank you.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, so I saw there's another flick called King of Kings and this Is the story of the kings Jesus. Oh, stop me if you've heard about this guy. Another Easter treat for everybody. A faith based.

[Griffin McElroy]

This place was running two different faith based pieces of programming or this series.

[Justin McElroy]

It's like, yes, cool. And yes, a lot of Christmas movies.

[Travis McElroy]

Come out at Christmas. I don't see.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I guess.

[Justin McElroy]

Fair. Yeah. But this is pretty chilling just to be. Just to see in the hallway. It's like a lot of faith based content. As somebody who grew up in that, I didn't love it, but I was going to blow this off. But then I started looking at the cast and guys. Yeah, yeah, this thing's stacked.

[Griffin McElroy]

Ok. Can you not reveal roles? Like will you reveal some names and maybe we try to guess who the Jesus is?

[Travis McElroy]

And can I just do a long shot? Is the rock in it? Because he seems to be in 18 movies a year or John Cena, one of those two.

[Justin McElroy]

No, that's amazing. There are a lot of vets. There's a lot of voice actor Dee Bradley Baker, legally mandated appearance.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, is this animated or live action?

[Justin McElroy]

It is animated and it is. The framing device is Charles Dickens is telling the story of Jesus to his kids.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, oh, hold on. That's real?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, I thought that was a joke that you came up with on the fly.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm just giving you. I'm giving you fair. This is to be fair. Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

I'll tell you right now, J, man, I don't know if canonically in history Charles Dickens would have cared about the story of Jesus, but less than that. I'm also not sure if Charles Dickens has kids. Does Charles. Charles Dickens got kids?

[Griffin McElroy]

Got kids?

[Justin McElroy]

I don't think that your ignorance of Charles Dickens is necessarily a great basis for criticism of the film, Travis. Like your unawareness of it is not. He did.

[Travis McElroy]

No, that was a criticism of myself, to be clear.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, cool.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. The Life of our Lord is the book that Charles Dickens wrote about the story of Jesus.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

So I would say he has a vested interest. Travis.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, so you now have all the pieces. Mr. Police play this amazing game. I'm gonna tell you some actors and I want. And yeah, Trav, you can guess. Okay. Where would you put. Now I'm just gonna give you Dee Bradley Baker is Willa the cat. I don't think that's relevant to the story.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. I had to remember that there was a Dickensian layer here because where would you think that.

[Justin McElroy]

Where would you slot in, say, a big talent like Ben Kingsley.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, shit.

[Travis McElroy]

Ben.

[Griffin McElroy]

Ben Benjamin.

[Justin McElroy]

Benjamin Kingsley.

[Travis McElroy]

Pinch of you I'll tell you what's hitting me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, what?

[Travis McElroy]

Pilate.

[Griffin McElroy]

Pontius Pilate.

[Justin McElroy]

Very close. Caiaphas.

[Travis McElroy]

Caiaphas.

[Justin McElroy]

It's one of the classics. Now, where would you put in Pierce Brosnan?

[Griffin McElroy]

Not in this film.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, you gotta put him in somewhere.

[Griffin McElroy]

He's in it, not Christmas. I could see him as a Barabbas, perhaps. A Barabbas.

[Justin McElroy]

He's not a Barabbas. You think he's gonna get out of bed for a Barabbas?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm going with Pilot, guys. I'm going with pilot on this one. Pontius Pilot.

[Justin McElroy]

Correct. Travis Pontius pilot, played by Pierce Bronson.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, I can't keep guessing that, though.

[Justin McElroy]

Kenneth Branagh, though. Where would you put Kenneth Branagh?

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, hold on. We're getting close to Christ territory with how big these names are. Kenneth Branagh, huh? Is this an Oscar bait Jesus movie or what's going on?

[Travis McElroy]

Aren't they all?

[Justin McElroy]

It is an Oscar bait Jesus movie.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. I haven't heard of it. Dang.

[Travis McElroy]

An Oscar bait Jesus movie for best Animated feature, though, huh?

[Justin McElroy]

I don't know. Where would you put Kenneth Braddle?

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna say Judas.

[Justin McElroy]

Charles Dickens. Oscar Isaac.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, my God.

[Justin McElroy]

That's Jesus. Yes, Travis. It's an Oscar bait Jesus movie. Wait, it's Oscar Isaac stars as Jesus.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oscar Isaac is Jesus.

[Justin McElroy]

So it's technically an Oscar bait because they got him to play the role of Jesus by offering him the role of Jesus. So, yes, it's an Oscar bait.

[Travis McElroy]

He was also, I believe, in a Christian ska band called the Blinking Underdog.

[Justin McElroy]

So, yeah, we're getting some interesting context. Like, we learned about Uma Thurman in this film, playing the role of.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, Mary is sort of the only one that just win. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Katherine Dickens.

[Travis McElroy]

Damn it.

[Justin McElroy]

Kinsey is a big part of this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, they sneak in there.

[Justin McElroy]

Forest Whitaker's in it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Forest Whitaker is in it. He's in it.

[Justin McElroy]

I'll give you a hint. He's the rock of the church.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, Pete, Pete, Pete.

[Justin McElroy]

Big Pete. Mark Hamill's in it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Now Mark Hamill has to be in it because it is animated. But who would you. Where would you put Mark Hamill?

[Travis McElroy]

The Joker.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, he's the Joker. Whoa.

[Travis McElroy]

Weird.

[Justin McElroy]

The Joker.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool.

[Justin McElroy]

No, he plays. He plays King Herod.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Makes sense. Makes sense.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't think they got a big. This probably won't surprise you, but I don't think there's not a lot of big name actors lining up for the role of Judas, we have a big one for Christophe Waltz.

[Travis McElroy]

Just doing full blown Christoph Waltz.

[Griffin McElroy]

Christoph Waltz, Judas.

[Travis McElroy]

Walton Goggins would be amazing as genius.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

The great betrayer Kristoff. Walton Goggins. Now that would be. That's the guy. I would.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the guy.

[Justin McElroy]

That's the guy from.

[Travis McElroy]

The guy.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the guy from Superbad I'm looking at. Can I look at the list now, Juice?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, please.

[Griffin McElroy]

Because I do. See, Jim Cummings is in here as a Pharisee, and that's going to be tough to hear. Pooh Bear.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, Cross carry the spear in his side.

[Travis McElroy]

Or maybe he's doing it more as like the lightning bug from Tiana.

[Justin McElroy]

Let's see what other great Jim Cummings role.

[Travis McElroy]

Maybe as dark Jesus.

[Griffin McElroy]

It looks like they're stuck on that cross. Why don't you just bounce?

[Travis McElroy]

The wonderful thing about Jesus is he's the only one.

[Justin McElroy]

He wasn't gizzarduck, was he?

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, Jesus. Maxie, get Jesus on down from that cross.

[Travis McElroy]

The guy's a different guy.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, he did goo. Oh, no. He played Pete.

[Justin McElroy]

Pete. I'm gonna go deep. Yeah, I was trying to find a Pete, but it wasn't there.

[Travis McElroy]

I tell you, Jesus. Here's the thing.

[Justin McElroy]

Nail him to the cross.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, man, my dad's drunk again.

[Justin McElroy]

So that is the film, as these things are getting pretty big also. I mean, Jim Cummings and I did share. Share a scene because he. I didn't realize this. He played Lord Boxman in ok KO oh, that's great. And from. I was in that same. The same episode. The. A couple episodes. All right, look at me go and listen. This is an advice show. This is not a show about this hit Jesus movie. And I know what you're wondering. How do they get all these big names? The answer is they gave them $100 billion.

[Travis McElroy]

Make a lot of money. Silver to be.

[Justin McElroy]

They're also crowdfunded, so they make a lot of money. Okay, here's the deal. This is an advice show, all right? And we're going to take your questions and turn them alchemy, like, into wisdom. We haven't forgotten our core competency. My neighbor and I are friendly with each other and our young children often play together. One day I saw them packing their van and he grumbled they were going to Disney World. He seemed very annoyed about the whole trip and complained his wife was making him go. A few days after they left, he's texting me if I'd pull his garbage out in the street. I said, sure, as long as you take a picture with Goofy for me. I don't know why I said Goofy. I'm not a Goofy fan and neither is my kid. I was just giving him a little grief since he didn't want to go on the trip next week. When they returned, I saw him in the yard and asked how the vacation was. He showed me the phone, which had an endless amount of pictures of his family with Goofy and Max. What's more is he said he'd gotten their autographs and was having it all framed to present to my 3 year old as a present. Oh, okay, I see.

[Griffin McElroy]

Now I know where the question is.

[Justin McElroy]

No brothers. My boy has no idea who Goofy is, let alone his son. This is such a nice gesture, but it all came from a throwaway joke I made. How can I get my son to have a deep love of Goofy before they give him this gift? Oh, man. Oh boy. This is a McElroy question if I ever heard one fuck a duck. Yeah, this would definitely happen to us. Jesus.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, you really threaded the needle here. You've come to the right place.

[Travis McElroy]

Goofy is the safest choice to be like, take a picture with. Because that's why I think just. I know this wasn't a question, but psychologically you're like, maybe you did some subconscious gym like calculations and you're like, I don't want to say Minnie or Daisy because that would feel weird if I'm fetish adjacent.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, Goofy's the right poll. I don't know why, but it is the funny. Sometimes with jokes you got to run through and like, I don't know why it is what it is, but like Goofy is the pull.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know why, but yeah, you can't make a three year old like anything. Has been my experience. You could show them Goofy Movie, but they might be hugely uncomfortable with the complicated social dynamics of. They don't get into that shit in these YouTube in a, in a YouTube video. They don't get into complicated family dynamics and kids today can't hang with that shit.

[Travis McElroy]

And there's a part where Max murders a man by swinging him into a giant thing of lights.

[Griffin McElroy]

Maximum kills a guy at the end of that film.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, the guy's trying to chase Max. They swing out doing his job as a security guard.

[Griffin McElroy]

This kid could have a bomb vest strapped to him trying to kill Powerline so that the President will notice him.

[Travis McElroy]

But this is my favorite. I love the Goofy movie. It's my favorite Disney animated movie. I'm wearing a Powerline shirt. Right now is when they land on the stage next to Power Line Bowerline's like, what? And doesn't do what I think anybody in that scenario would do, which would be to leave the stage as quickly as possible.

[Griffin McElroy]

Leave the stage immediately. Let security handle it. They can't because a child killed them.

[Travis McElroy]

That's correct. Now you could do. I think the way I introduce my children to Goofy and every parent's. Every parent's approach to introducing their children to Goofy is different. I understand that. But I did inform them that according to Goofy's Wikipedia, he has had many names over the years, including George Geef.

[Griffin McElroy]

Henry only calls this fool George Geef when he sees it. You guys really ruined him with that shit.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. And so when we went to Disney the first time and you know you have the people in character going around meeting everybody and I said, oh, here comes George Geef. And that just tickled my daughters to no end. And that I think is how I got the ball rolling. You could also just play the two musical power line scenes stand out and eye to eye without the complicated family dynamics. And those are fun. Those will get em.

[Justin McElroy]

I've been trying to. I've been struggling with this problem in my house. Cause my kids were on the YouTube and I was like, you guys can't watch the YouTube anymore. Cause I watched a documentary about how YouTube's bad. Oh, I told him I can't. Don't.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, man. Don't tell me what it is because then I'll feel compelled to watch it.

[Justin McElroy]

It's like the family YouTube. So it's like everybody knows his.

[Travis McElroy]

So Mr. Beast is still okay.

[Justin McElroy]

All YouTubes is bad. YouTube's is bad because my kids will watch the shorts.

[Travis McElroy]

It doesn't matter.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm not judging.

[Travis McElroy]

I haven't done any research on MrBeast recently.

[Justin McElroy]

So YouTube is bad for my kids, for our decision. So we say, you're watching too much YouTube. No more YouTube. And my kids are like pretty amenable to it. And then a week after the initial, you know, ranting and screaming, but about a week later, and this is just a couple days ago now I see Cooper and she is. Sometimes I worry about oversharing. But she's watching Young Sheldon.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, unironically.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis, she's on season two, episode nine.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, you can't watch. You can't watch a season and a half of young Sheldon.

[Justin McElroy]

She's on season two, episode nine. And to be fair, how does she get it in the movie? Fast forwarding.

[Griffin McElroy]

What?

[Justin McElroy]

Cause it's On Netflix. So she does fast forward through any time where there's kissing. Yeah, but she has been fully, fully indoctrinated.

[Griffin McElroy]

There are a lot of kissing on Young Sheldon. Wouldn't think that.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, not kissing huge amount, but there is, like, anytime any relationship drama happens, she's in the movie.

[Griffin McElroy]

Every episode has a deep tongue scene in Young Sheldon, which is fucking weird.

[Travis McElroy]

But most of the time, it's in the background.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's happening. Extras. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

She came to me while I was brushing my teeth, and she said, hey, dad, I think young Sheldon is smarter than Einstein. And I said, go on, do tell. She said, well, did Einstein ever build a rocket? And I said, no, no. And she said, did young Sheldon ever build a rocket? And I said, I would have no way of knowing that. And she said, well, he did. I said, well, it sounds like young Sheldon is smarter than Einstein. She said, but I think the kid from the Minecraft movie made a jet pack, so he's probably smarter than both of you.

[Griffin McElroy]

He's the smartest.

[Justin McElroy]

I was like, yeah, okay, that's the power ranking right there. Kid from the Minecraft movie, young Sheldon, way down here at the bottom. Einstein.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, Reed Richards, I think, is right above Einstein.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you, Travis. Good point. Reed Richards. Absolutely. Yeah. So you can't. There's no hope here.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can't make your kid, like, goofy. You can, man. When you get the gifts, just you take them, and then they'll be like, aren't you gonna give it to your son? And you say, no, this is embarrassing. I'm a huge goofy freak. I was too embarrassing.

[Travis McElroy]

Don't say freaks, though.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, you do. I mean, own it. Say I'm a big goof. I'm a nasty, fucked up goofy freak, and this is the only way I get my jollies.

[Travis McElroy]

How did he smell? How did he smell?

[Griffin McElroy]

Explain the smell of goofy to me.

[Travis McElroy]

Is this the hand that touched him?

[Justin McElroy]

Is there any chance that you typed take a goofy picture with a lowercase g? Cause then maybe you could flip it on and be like, no, no, no. Just like a fun one.

[Travis McElroy]

What if you're like, that's not goofy. The one with the bill and he wears the sailor hat.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

The spinach guy.

[Travis McElroy]

He's got the big mouse ears and the red shoes.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm proud to announce that goofy sour balls are back. And.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, no kidding.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, baby, you can definitely get those. And I got them. And then my son Henry laughed at me because I got balls. Like, he's at an age where that's very good. For him. And I was like, I don't care. I'm not gonna stand here and be judged. These sour balls really tickle my fancy.

[Justin McElroy]

I will say this every. I have taken pictures with a lot of goofies.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Because my kids make my father in law do his Goofy impression too. Goofy. And then I take a picture of it. Cause it's good. And then I put the. And I have like T shirts with pictures of my father in law with Goofy on them. So I will say every Goofy is a pro. Every Goofy. Here's what you can rest assured of. Whatever experience your friend had, it was not unpleasant. No, it was like that Goofy made.

[Griffin McElroy]

It very easy, made it special.

[Justin McElroy]

And especially if they can tell you're a virgin, they will make it like.

[Griffin McElroy]

So good for you if they can tell that you haven't had sex at all. They're like, they know it somehow. And then they are like, so nice to you. The first time I went to Disney World, the first time I went to Disney World. And I was like, I shouldn't be here. I haven't. And then Goofy came over to me and he put his hand around and guys, check this out. He talked. You never get this from these Disney walking around. But he's hard. What did he say? He leaned in really close and he was like, I know. He said, I know it's hard. Me too, pal. And then I was like, what about Max? Immaculate conception.

[Justin McElroy]

Immaculate.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then he walked away. But I felt like, really cared for. And then I felt like I could be at Disney World even though I hadn't had sexual.

[Travis McElroy]

I can't believe you made it past the scanners, Griffin. To get in.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, Max just birthed fully formed from a bowl of hi dad soup. He just, like, emerged. My hi dad soup is hi, dad.

[Griffin McElroy]

Whoa, Whoa. Yeah. At the end when he falls down the waterfall and you actually. If you turn the volume up, you can hear him shout, but I haven't even fucked yet. And then Max catches him and reels him up and was like, what were you saying, dad? And he's like, nothing. I know our visits are getting a bit fewer and further between these days, but I would like to go to the wizard's house.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, friends grow apart over time, Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's natural.

[Travis McElroy]

That doesn't mean he's out of your heart.

[Griffin McElroy]

Friends grow apart. Websites redesign away all of their funniest stuff or clothes entirely. Like, this stuff happens, guys. But this one was sent in by Abby. Thank you. And it is how to actually become Jason Bourne.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

You don't have to wake up with amnesia on an Italian fishing boat in the Mediterranean Sea while being pursued by assassins to become Jason Bourne. In fact, you may be happy to learn that we recommend taking the route that involves zero assassination attempts. I'm always afraid that I'm gonna read a wikiHow article and then it'll be like, kill. And I'll be like, fuck. Okay, shoot.

[Justin McElroy]

All right, you're the boss.

[Travis McElroy]

But it does. There were a lot of factors in there, and the only one they negated was assassination attempts.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, you do need to get off the table.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. They do recommend being found in the Mediterranean Sea by a fishing boat with amnesia.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right. That part's easy enough.

[Justin McElroy]

I do wonder if I'm not. If, like, assassination is completely off the table, why am I learning to become Jason Bourne? Right. For the other stuff.

[Griffin McElroy]

Other stuff he could do. He doesn't only assassinate people.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, but if someone's like. If I'm on the phone, I'm like, it's me, Justin. And I'm very tough. Just like Jason Bourne now. Yeah. And they're like, I know. You can't assassinate me. Yeah, that's off the table for you. Right?

[Griffin McElroy]

Admitting not intimidating.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I ask you guys a question? A semantics question, perhaps. But is the difference betwixt murder and assassination, just like notoriety?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know.

[Travis McElroy]

I think it's.

[Justin McElroy]

You're paid for it, right? Paid. Paid work.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't know. Anyways, I just hope that someday I'm famous enough that when I am killed, it's assassination, I guess, is what I'm trying to say.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. How to become a real life Jason Bourne. The first few parts here are all physicality stuff, and I'm not going to do that. Regular cardio, whatever. Improve your strength by lifting weights, like. Sure, whatever.

[Justin McElroy]

Man.

[Travis McElroy]

If I could do irregular cardio, I'd be excited. You know, if my desire to live.

[Justin McElroy]

Longer hasn't done that, my desire to be Jason Bourne is certainly not gonna motivate that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, no, you can have the desire. Right. I don't do regular intense cardio, and I don't do really heavy weights. I do some stuff in there. That stuff would probably make me feel so good if I did it enough that I wouldn't need a wikiHow article to teach me how to be Jason Bourne. If I was doing that stuff, I'd be a fundamentally different person, and that person would not be on wikiHow learning how to be Jason Bourne.

[Travis McElroy]

That's an excellent point.

[Griffin McElroy]

Choose a martial art.

[Justin McElroy]

One person who's never been on Wikipedia learning how to be Jason Bourne is Jason Bourne.

[Griffin McElroy]

No way.

[Justin McElroy]

Like that. It's unfathomable.

[Griffin McElroy]

No way. So choose a martial art to study and practice. I could do this from a purely, you know, studious sort of research level and not, like, actually do it. Like, I could watch a lot of YouTube videos about, you know, colleagues.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you need to see the muscles, though? Don't you need to get it in the muscle memory? Do the muscles need to know it?

[Travis McElroy]

Cause that's the thing. When I've seen the Jason Bourne movies a hundred times and I don't remember him ever having to stop to think about how to punch a guy. I don't even know that he remembers how to punch a guy when the movie starts.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, no, they put like a chip in his brain or whatever that makes him punch, like, super hard.

[Travis McElroy]

No, Griffin, that's the Matrix.

[Griffin McElroy]

So learn a second language or more.

[Travis McElroy]

This is good.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jason Bourne spoke German, French, Russian, Dutch, Spanish, and Swedish. You don't have to speak all those. But picking up another language of your choice will give you that international man of mystery energy Bourne exudes. That would be kick ass. If in a Bourne movie he went to, you know, Paraguay and then they started to speak to him and he was like, I'm sorry. Like, I don't do that one. I don't do that.

[Travis McElroy]

He pulled out his phone and, like, put in, like, Google Translate and he's like, can you type it? I only know Esperanto and English.

[Griffin McElroy]

Did you do Swedish?

[Travis McElroy]

I'm so sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

I can totally throw down in Swedish.

[Justin McElroy]

You could probably pull this off if you named a bunch of common ones that lots of people know. And then at the end, you put the one you actually know. So you learn one obscure one and then you're like, yeah, I'm fluent in Spanish, French, Italian, whatever, and then Czechoslovakian. I don't know if there's a separate language. You don't know one of the songs.

[Travis McElroy]

You can always just say Esperanto. It's the Esperanto gag. It's the best gag.

[Griffin McElroy]

So next time you're up on a language learning app, just you're becoming an assassin. Learn how to climb walls or retire to a lingo.

[Travis McElroy]

If you're listening, putting that is like. And why are you enjoy. Oh, I like to.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know why you'd pick the one that has never advertised with us. I just don't know why you would pick the one that has never advertised.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, I'm not.

[Griffin McElroy]

Of all the Ones you pre advertising.

[Travis McElroy]

We burned the other bridges, Griffin. We haven't even built that one yet.

[Griffin McElroy]

We didn't. We did a kick ass job with those bridges, but the market changed and more famous people opened up podcasts. But you picked the one that we haven't done.

[Justin McElroy]

How are we going to do that now? I support that though, because in a sense what Travis is saying is, like, the other ones have proven that they're thirsty for it. You know what I mean? Like, the other ones have proven that they will pay for it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right? Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And Duolingo won't. So that's fine.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's fine.

[Travis McElroy]

And they have a funny owl thing.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're not afraid to talk shop in here, guys. We don't. We're not afraid to let you in on the. Let you in on the Life is the podcast.

[Justin McElroy]

Our Life is our Art.

[Griffin McElroy]

Learn how to climb walls or repel Born was a master climber. While we can't recommend you start scaling fire escapes and jumping from rooftop to rooftop, we can definitely suggest joining a local rock climbing gym.

[Travis McElroy]

Sure. That's different from climbing walls though, isn't it? Because when you say climbing walls, I'm picturing a spider man type. You're saying climbable things.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

You don't.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, we build from that, right? Sure.

[Travis McElroy]

But I'm saying fire escape ladders. I don't need to learn to do that.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, you can't use suction cups. You can't use suction cups when you're summiting. Like, they don't stick to the rocks and stuff. But Borne uses suction cups a lot. I think if I went through all the trouble to train my body and learn a martial art and learn five languages and become an incredible spy, I would never try to go down the side of a building. Cause I could fall and die. And then what was all of that work for?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, it does. It is. A lot of these are irritating a little bit because it's like, well, we did tell you to get in great physical shape first. Yeah, okay, that's fine. If I. In this alternate world where I got super fit, I bet learning to climb like a rock wall would be very attainable for me. I do think that if there was.

[Travis McElroy]

An article about how to be Batman and the first step was have billionaire parents. Yeah. Every step after that is like, you know what helps with that?

[Griffin McElroy]

But again, if I had a billion dollars, I would not be on wikiHow learning how to become Jason Bourne. I simply would not.

[Travis McElroy]

You say that, Griffin, but billionaires get up to some Weird shit in their free time.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, but I would be getting like, you know, micro machines in my blood. That gives me power.

[Justin McElroy]

Micro. Micro machines.

[Griffin McElroy]

Micro, micro. Just these big fucking monster trucks driving around my veins, making me climb walls real good.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. And you could pay Matt Damon to train you to be Jason Bourne.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. For a billion dollars. Yeah, for sure. I could make them name the next Jason bourne movie, Griffin McElroy Returns. And then I would be it by default. Sharpen your situational awareness and memory recall. This would be cool.

[Justin McElroy]

I started with this one. Honestly, I could use this right now.

[Griffin McElroy]

If I could aug my brain like that again. Same thing applies. Wouldn't be here.

[Justin McElroy]

Shouldn't I sharpen my memory recall before I start taking on these additional languages? Like if there is a path to that, I should definitely sharpen that tool set before I do the language thing.

[Travis McElroy]

Is there a hyperlink there possibly to a Wikipedia about how to set stop having adhd? That could be very useful to me.

[Justin McElroy]

Click the monkey to learn how to stop having ADHD.

[Griffin McElroy]

The next one.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

P.S. your ADHD is 100%. What brought you to this article in the first place? You have a 15 minute lunch break, Jason.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm going to text you guys the image for this next one. The next one is get into parkour and learn how to run with style. And I don't know if you guys are seeing this, but the image that they've chosen shows a red haired man who has launched himself forwards head first, legs up in the sky akimbo, Peter Pan style down a flight of stairs. There is no reality in which this illustrated gentleman lands this trick.

[Travis McElroy]

He is about to eat shit.

[Justin McElroy]

He's about to lose a lot of good teeth.

[Travis McElroy]

I've also zoomed in on this man's face and it very clearly reads us. Oh shit.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh shit. Why did I jump like this? Face down, ass up. That's the way I like to die on these stairs, dumbass. Parkour is also really intense cardio exercise. So it gets to two birds with one stone. Thanks article. Thanks for the life hacks of this discipline. You made up dress in unprovocative clothing with dark colors. Already pretty much doing that. I will say no graphic tees on Jason Bourne. Some of my wardrobe may have to go. But keep your hair short but decidedly unmilitary.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Not sure what.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't see why that makes me more of a Jason Bourne, I guess. Sure. All right.

[Travis McElroy]

I like that description though. Like that. You're telling me that when I watched the first The Jason Bourne prime that I am, to look at him and think, yeah, but it's not a military haircut. No, there's no way. Like, there's no debate. That's not a military haircut.

[Griffin McElroy]

I always.

[Justin McElroy]

That would also give him too many clues to the Bourne Identity.

[Griffin McElroy]

Correct. That's the doctor. Army man.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm clearly some sort of army man.

[Travis McElroy]

Look at my hair.

[Griffin McElroy]

But you're smart. I must be a doctor. Army man. Can you.

[Justin McElroy]

My hair is too long for an army man, so I'm clearly not an army.

[Travis McElroy]

Though you can see they've shaved the word army in the back of my head. It's army.

[Justin McElroy]

Is this the library? Have I ever worked there? I feel like I'm a library man, maybe.

[Griffin McElroy]

Nope. Oops. Shit. I gotta jump up this building.

[Justin McElroy]

Pet stores.

[Griffin McElroy]

I also, I always have a moment of panic anytime I go to get a haircut and they ask me, like, what do you want Now I have something that I could say, just like, have it loaded in the chamber. I want it short but decidedly unmilitary. And I think I might get exactly what I need. Obtain at least a passing interest in firearms. I do like how WikiHow has couched this. Wakeow recognizes it can't say get gun crazy. It can't say that sort of, you know, responsibly, but at least a passing interest in firearms.

[Travis McElroy]

Gryffon. I thought I knew where that statement was gonna go, because one of the defining features to me is Jason Bourne's collection of passports. But then it also occurred to me that probably wikiHow for many reasons, can't be like, get yourself a bunch of counterfeit passports.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's a very, very good point, Travis. Reading the next God damn point of this wikihow, get another passport. If you don't already have a passport for the country you live in, start by getting your passport. That's actually good. Thank you so much for that. Then if you have the time, money, and effort, find another country to try and establish residency. If you have relatives living abroad, look into the residency requirements there. You can normally get a passport if you have family already living there. You can buy your way into a passport in several countries. Some countries offer very easy routes to citizenship. They're not saying, Travis, forge fake documents in this, I would say, wild world that we live in. They are saying, responsibly, become residents of many nations.

[Travis McElroy]

Wouldn't it have been amazing if Jason Bourne had opened his safety security box or whatever and started flipping through 20 passports? They all said, Jason Bourne, Jason Bourne. Jason Bourne. Jason. Jason Bourne. Jason Bourne. Jason Bourne. Oh, I guess I'm perfect.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then a letter from his uncle in Paraguay. That's like, here's the passport. You're a citizen now. I love you, Jason.

[Justin McElroy]

It's been Jason Bourne.

[Travis McElroy]

Come visit me anytime. Jason Bourne.

[Justin McElroy]

You talk. Fraulein, it's me, German man. Jason Bourne.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, God damn it. Look, he's put stickers all over his passport pages. There's no way we can read these numbers. Focus on your mission and always have a goal. This is where the wheels come off a lot for me, is that now it's like, okay, now you're Jason Bourne. Here's what you're gonna do with it. And they don't have a great answer because they also can't say, you know, kill your fellow super soldiers.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, at that point, it's coming from your contact of the CIA, right? Because I assume that when you get recruited to the CIA, to join the Bourne program, your candid, I guess, a card with this wikiHow URL written on it. And they're like, let us know when you're done reading it, and then we'll give you an assignment.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that is a good point. A lot of these are just kind of productivity hacks. Focus on your mission and always have a goal. Sure. Maintain a cool, calm demeanor at all times. Yeah, I see Jason a little hyphy like, he does get when he's, like, trying to kill a guy with a rocket launcher.

[Travis McElroy]

He's.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know how chill Jason Bourne is.

[Travis McElroy]

That's why Griffin, at the end of every Jason Bourne movie, he sits down with his journal and writes up, like, had another slip up today. Got mad again. Gotta keep working on that.

[Griffin McElroy]

The post credit sequence. Make eye contact and speak with confidence and do everything with conviction and self assuredness.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool. Yeah, I can definitely just flip that switch. But also, I want to be in that job interview where they're like, you're the perfect candidate. Honestly, we have never interviewed anybody with this much conviction and self assuredness. You made eye contact the whole time. You speak with confidence. You're quintilingual. You have incredible skills, and you're so focused. What's your secret? And they say, well, modeled my whole life on this one wikiHow article about becoming Jason Bourne.

[Travis McElroy]

Anyways, I'd love to work here at Best Buy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I would love to get this job at Best Buy. There's one thing that they did get kind of nasty on. This is the last point in the Article, be prepared for geopolitical events or disasters. So WikiHow's leaving a little bit of sunlight in the room, a little bit of oxygen for a chance, it suggests. And all that other stuff about kicking ass and jumping up buildings and all that spy shit, you might. There might be a thing that happens.

[Travis McElroy]

You never know.

[Justin McElroy]

Keep your eyes peeled.

[Griffin McElroy]

Keep your eyes peeled.

[Travis McElroy]

But I will also say that this is the equivalent of like going to a professional sporting event and hoping that someone on the field is gonna notice you in the stands and be like, this guy. Because I'm pretty sure even if I, as an amateur civilian, trained myself to be a peak Jason Bourne type and then there was geopolitical unrest, I wouldn't. Even if a CAI agent saw me, like, walking around or some kind of government official, they wouldn't be like, hey, you look like you could be a Jason Bourne. Come over here, I got a mission for you.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, that's his whole shit.

[Travis McElroy]

That's how it works.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's his.

[Travis McElroy]

Griffin. He was recruited by a government agency and trained by them, I guess.

[Griffin McElroy]

So we're splitting hairs pretty hard here.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I. I want to call. I want to call foul on this whole article, Griffin, if I could. Sure, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, you're trying to disprove a wiki, Howard.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, yeah, yeah, I'm going to try. I think I can do it pretty authoritatively. If we look at the Bourne franchise. Okay, we have the Bourne Identity, the Bourne Supremacy, the Bourne Ultimatum. That's Matt Damon's triptych, Matt Damon's trilogy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Those are the ones with Jason Bourne in them.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, those are the Jason Bourne ones. Right?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's.

[Justin McElroy]

My first movie is called the Bourne Legacy starring Jeremy Renner.

[Travis McElroy]

Matt is not appearing, is he Jason Gordon?

[Justin McElroy]

No, he's Jason.

[Travis McElroy]

Jason reborn.

[Justin McElroy]

The tagline of this film is there was never just one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And then the next movie is called Jason Bourne starring Matt Damon. And Jeremy Renner's not in it because there was just the one Jason Bourne. What I'm saying is the movies that are about Jason Bourne could not make another Jason Bourne. Plausibly, they desperately would love to have.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jeremy Renner whole bourniverse, but it's tried. The interest isn't there.

[Travis McElroy]

Listen, the interest isn't there.

[Justin McElroy]

They can't make another Jason Bourne. There's just the one. And I also feel like seeing that the last Bourne movie, Jason Bourne, was filmed in 2016. I do have the strangest scent sense of feeling like I didn't appreciate the Bourne movies when they were coming back.

[Griffin McElroy]

Didn't even know that there was 2061. I feel bad.

[Justin McElroy]

I know, right? It feels like shit. Don't at all we see it.

[Travis McElroy]

If I could go back in time to when they were making the poster for the Bourne Legacy, I would have pitched the tagline. There was never a Jason Bourne. Right?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Yeah, that's cool.

[Justin McElroy]

What is the first movie of the Bourne Legacy? Is Jamie Ritter waking up. Like, what?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, it's him watching the Bourne Identity and going, I'm gonna be just like that.

[Justin McElroy]

He turns off the movie of the third Bourne movie. Like, what a great film. I wish I could do that.

[Travis McElroy]

And then when they made the new Jason Bourne movie after that one in 2016, the tagline was, oh, shit, it's real.

[Justin McElroy]

The first scene is Matt David turning off the end of the Bourne Legacy. Like, I can't believe they got it so wrong. Anyway, back to work. Let's take a quick break. We're gonna go to the money zone. We'll be back right after this.

[Travis McElroy]

It's better. It's better with you.

Guys. I've got another brilliant, like million dollar website idea.

[Justin McElroy]

Another one? Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

But I don't know how to get started. I have no idea where to get started. I just have the kernel, the whisper.

[Justin McElroy]

What you need is a garden. You need an idea garden where that can take purchase, where it can grow and flourish. And Squarespace is the way to do it. A little square space of land where you can plant that idea and watch it grow into a beautiful, beautiful pornographic business. Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

What do I water it with?

[Griffin McElroy]

Pornographic water.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, well, Travis, you'll water it with the water of ideas from world class designers that have created website templates that are gonna make your website look really good, even if you don't know what you're doing. Because they know what they're doing. And you can just put your pornographic images.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Your pornographic stories.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, sure.

[Justin McElroy]

Whatever adult material Travis you are.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I sell my pornographic time, Justin?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, Travis, anything you wanna sell. Squarespace makes it really, really easy. Or just get the idea out. Even if you're on business, Squarespace can help. Whatever you need to do. This is the place to start. When people ask me how do I make a website? And they do all the time, they say, justin, how do I do it? I say, go to squarespace.com mybrother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code mybrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Don't wait anymore. Get that idea. Get it out there.

[Travis McElroy]

Stamps. You love them. I love them. But man, I tell you guys, if I go and buy them at the post office, I always end up eating them on the way home.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's tough, dude. They shouldn't put food on stamps.

[Travis McElroy]

Such a problem. Well, I start licking them, right. To get them ready for when I need them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right. The main action is so. It's so eating adjacent already.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. They had Dungeons and Dragons stamps at my post office and I, I had to ask for Dungeons and Dragons stamps.

[Travis McElroy]

How did they come?

[Justin McElroy]

I had to ask another person to sell me those. Think about it.

[Travis McElroy]

Were they delicious face to face? Were they filling?

[Justin McElroy]

They were delicious.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, these are not problems. If you use stamps.com, this is good. Establish a need and then fill the need. And this need we've established is filled a need. You will eat a stamp if you drive home with them. You simply will. Stamps.com handles all your mailing and shipping needs wherever, whenever you can get access to all the USPS and UPS services you need to run your business or your life, I guess, right. From your computer or phone, anytime, day or night. No lines, no traffic. All you need is a computer and a printer. They even send you the free scale that we've been telling you about and you can get rates you won't see anywhere else, like up to 88% off USPS and UPS.

[Justin McElroy]

And you're not gonna believe some of the new flavors they've got lined up. There's a chipotle mayo.

[Griffin McElroy]

What?

[Justin McElroy]

A guava lime madness.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, yeah, they have.

[Justin McElroy]

So yeah, there's so many great stamp flavors that you can get online that you're not going to find in store where you're just going to have nacho cheese, cool ranch and some of the usual.

[Griffin McElroy]

Have more pickle blasted. Have more.

[Travis McElroy]

I do like the pickle blasted one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Have more pickle blasted flexibility in your life with stamps.com. sign [e-mail] and use code my brother for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com code my brother.

[Travis McElroy]

And it says here in the copy, make sure you don't tell people to eat stamps.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh no.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, no. Oh, well. We can't possibly record an ad a second time.

[Justin McElroy]

I want a munch squad.

[Travis McElroy]

I want to munch squad.

[Justin McElroy]

Welcome to MunchQuad's podcast within the podcast profiling ladies, Grace of brand eating. Guys, how do you be real with me? How do you feel about Glen Powell?

[Griffin McElroy]

Where you at.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, Justin, if I'm being completely honest, I feel an absence of feeling about Glenn.

[Griffin McElroy]

Had to Google him. Had to Google him just now. Sorry, everyone.

[Justin McElroy]

Glenn Powell is counting on. And then, Griffin, after you googled him.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Did you have the realization that this guy's been in like a million, a lot of movies, but you never really. He doesn't really stick in the brain, does he?

[Travis McElroy]

For a long time, Justin, I thought Glen Powell had been the guy that played the younger brother in the TV show Titus with Christopher Titus. But I think that was a different guy who has similar features but is a different human being to Glen Powell.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

That is a separate person.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. Yeah. I don't think I've seen any of these flicks, but I thought I got him confused with Glenn Beck for a second, and then I thought, this is an audacious question to ask us to start out the Munch Squad segment. How do you feel about Glenn, Becky?

[Justin McElroy]

So Glen Powell is launching a new line of slosses.

[Griffin McElroy]

Of what?

[Justin McElroy]

Glen Powell is launching a new line of sauces. I didn't realize it was a tongue twister until I started saying it. Glen Powell is launching a new line of sauces.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think that's iambic pentameter.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Glenn Powell is launching a new line of sauces called Smash Kitchen. And this guy's. The sky was dark at the launch of Smash Kitchen because the stars were all out to celebrate Glenn Powell's new line of sauces. Now, before I get into the party.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, is this in conjunction with somebody or just Glynjamin had an idea for a sauce?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, For a cool sauce.

[Justin McElroy]

So everyone's favorite actor, Glen Powell, that everybody knows and loves about. He realized this American families and the pantries where their meals begin deserve better. Oh, too many go to staples are packed with unnecessary additives, artificial nonsense, and things no one can pronounce. With that realization, Powell assembled a team of seasoned founders who set out to fix that. Creating a line of organic, non GMO pantry essentials that bring wholesome, crave worthy flavors without the junk.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, okay.

[Justin McElroy]

The new line is exclusive, available now only at Walmart.

[Griffin McElroy]

Awesome. Dude, I've been sweating this stuff big time lately.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, it's been a big, real problem. All the GMO stuff and all the clean eating and everything is a real thing for Glenn.

[Travis McElroy]

Now they only have gpos. Glen Powell organism.

[Justin McElroy]

I've pulled together a full report here. Glenn did talk to Martha Stewart about this. Said being out in la, I think I just became a little bit more Aware of what was in my food.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck off. In the biggest way possible.

[Justin McElroy]

Glenn Powell, go eat a huge pile of shit.

[Griffin McElroy]

All the shit you can see in the whole world.

[Justin McElroy]

Especially when you're cooking and entertaining people, you want to give them the best. Actually. Fuck off. The hell.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck off so hard, Glenn, you and you.

[Justin McElroy]

I tell you what, you and Katy Perry get in a sauce powered rocket, blast off. Right to fuck. Who cares?

[Griffin McElroy]

I guess living in la, I pay a little bit more attention.

[Travis McElroy]

What does that have to do with anything?

[Justin McElroy]

As an LA guy, you tell me.

[Griffin McElroy]

As an LA guy, I think a lot about brain stuff.

[Justin McElroy]

Growing up around epic barbecue feasts at our family ranch in Texas, food was always an expression of love, said Glen Powell, co founder of Smash Kitchen and co star of Twisters. That's my editorializing. But he was in that. Believe it or not, through fitness, I became more aware and educated on better for you foods.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, cool.

[Justin McElroy]

So basically what Glenn is saying is because he has the time and money to pay a personal trainer, he now knows what to put in your ketchup.

[Griffin McElroy]

And because of his sort of geographic location, he knows a little bit more about food than you do.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm reading between the lines here and I think what Glenn Powell is trying to say is I started working with a guy who lives in LA who told me what I should and should.

[Justin McElroy]

That's what it was. Yeah, right. I got a brand deal for sauces. It was clear to me we needed to make a clean condiment brand. No second guessing, just great flavors that connect to moments we love.

[Travis McElroy]

Second guess. Glenn, Glenn, you're creating food for people.

[Griffin McElroy]

Think twice, please, Glenn, you should do.

[Travis McElroy]

Not just like put that in it. Wait, what it. Why do you mean wait?

[Griffin McElroy]

Glenn?

[Travis McElroy]

No, grab.

[Griffin McElroy]

Put this root in the sauce. What is the root?

[Travis McElroy]

What's the sand?

[Justin McElroy]

I don't know.

[Travis McElroy]

Sand just popped in my head. Sand.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey guys, I got a live report. I want to talk more about this, but I got a live report coming from the, from the party. So I just want to. We're going to interview some of the P.O. where he talked to Glenn. If you guys could. I've got. I got Leo over here at the sauce launch party. Leonardo DiCaprio came to Glen Pals sauce launch party. So here's an interesting thing. Apparently Glenn Powell knows that Leonardo DiCaprio killed somebody and hit their body. Because I can't think of any other reason Leonardo DiCaprio would be at Glen Powell sauce party. But he's there.

[Griffin McElroy]

He doesn't do a ton of this.

[Justin McElroy]

Gentleman behind the two of them, who is unnamed but does seem to be really enjoying. Hold on. So we got Leonardo DiCaprio was there. Aaron Paul came to this Walmart sauce launch party. And who's this Josh Duhamel hiding his entire face? That's not hiding his face.

[Travis McElroy]

That could be anyone.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, fuck. I love the sauce. Glenn.

[Justin McElroy]

Good job, Glenn. Glenn.

[Travis McElroy]

You didn't say anything about photos. Sorry, what was my name? Josh Duhamel.

[Justin McElroy]

Everyone's posing at the sauce launch party. Everyone loves the sauce. Here's Josh Duhamel. He's fixing the table.

[Travis McElroy]

That's the real Josh Duhamel.

[Justin McElroy]

That's the real Josh Duhamel. And yes. Look, guys, he's even. Yeah, Angela from the office came to this sauce lodge.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hell yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

She played cornhole.

[Travis McElroy]

You're fucking kidding me.

[Justin McElroy]

Anthony Ramos was there. What a star studded event. And get this, his parents came to his party.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, that's nice. I like that.

[Justin McElroy]

Glen Palsy family ranch in Texas. Let's talk about some of the flavors. You got organic hot honey ketchup, organic spicy mayonnaise, and organic hot honey BBQ sauce. Now remember when you see organic, what that means is nothing. Smash Kitchen is all about balance. Real food made better without sacrificing flavor.

[Travis McElroy]

That's actually meant to hear because I don't want to buy printed out pictures of food. I want real food. Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Real stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

I can't eat a picture of ketchup.

[Griffin McElroy]

Unless it's a stamp.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, that's Sameer Mehta, who is co founder and CEO of Smash Kitchen. We weren't trying to reinvent ketchup or mustard. We just wanted them to taste the way they should, using high quality organic ingredients. Now, I will draw your attention to the paragraph just before in this same press release which reads, Smash Kitchen reimagines classics like ketchup, yellow mustard, mayonnaise and barbecue sauce. So they are both reimagining it but not reinventing it.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I do. Like, once again, this is what I'm looking for in a thing because it should taste the way it should. If I eat ketchup and it tastes like mustard, I'm perplexed. If not off put.

[Justin McElroy]

Condiments are just the beginning, said Sean Cain, the co founder and president of Smash Kitchen. Our vision is to transform the entire pantry, bringing delicious organic options to every shelf, one category at a time. Yes, Sean Cain, you have seen into me the deepest heart of the American consumer who wants nothing more than shelves and shelves lined with Glen Powell's face. Please try my Milk. Try Glen Powell's milk and try my pickles.

[Travis McElroy]

I'll tell you, pal, pickles Smash Kitchen has really got their finger on the pulse. If they make sure that each of these things cost at least a dollar more than the store brand counterpart that contains basically the exact same thing, they.

[Justin McElroy]

Don'T just have their finger on the pulse. They have their finger on the pulse. Lauren Paul and Aaron Paul were there.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't. We don't know that Glenn put a finger on these two. I mean, it's true.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, Glenn, I don't like this.

[Justin McElroy]

Let's not say things about Glen Powell we can't back up like he's a huge asshole peddling anti science nonsense.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't want a company to decide what I think ketchup should taste like. I feel like that decision has been made for me. By the way, the ketchup from all these companies taste. If I get some salty tomatoey water out of Glen Powell's bottle, that's not. You can't say. That's Sorry, guys. The other stuff is bullshit. This is that real ketchup. Nothing but squished tomato water and some salt.

[Travis McElroy]

They pretty much figured that out to the point. When I go to a restaurant and they have like in house made ketchup and I'm like, what were you doing? Just there's a bottle and it has like a tomato and some leaves on it and it says ketchup. That's all I need.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the only ingredient I need in ketchup.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna send you guys, by the way, a picture of Glen Powell and Zach Ward, who was in the Titus show side by side, and you tell me that they're different people.

[Griffin McElroy]

Have you been working on that particular.

[Travis McElroy]

Only for five to ten minutes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin, can I tell you, it's so wild that you brought that up, that event, that Smash Kitchen launch event, because we've got events coming up. Oh, really? I'm. I'm not going to say that Aaron Paul and Anthony Ramos and Josh Duhamel are going to be there, but there's not a zero percent chance that they're going to be there.

[Justin McElroy]

True.

[Travis McElroy]

Because they could be anywhere. I don't know.

[Justin McElroy]

They could be anywhere at any time.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't know where they're. Joshua could be in the house with you right now. Lock your door.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hiding his face.

[Travis McElroy]

Hiding his face. He could be there behind you. Don't turn around. He hates that. But tickets are on sale now for our shows in Michigan, Minnesota and Ohio. All Taz Shows are going to be Taz versus during this tour and yeah, man, get all the information, get all the ticket links at bit ly McElroytours. We're going to be at Origins Game Fair in Columbus. We're going to be at Dragon Con and we're going to be in Huntington, West Virginia for the Harmony House Renaissance Festival happening I believe May 2, May 3. So come there, get a chance to see us. Depending on how much time.

[Justin McElroy]

Bit ly HarmonyHouseRenfair with an E is where you can go to get tickets.

[Travis McElroy]

And for all the information and tickets about our live shows, you can go to bit ly McElroytours.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thanks to Montagne for the Israelite theme song My Life Is Better with youh. It is the number one single across the whole globe on every country's charts in now like this week. So like that's huge for, for Montaigne and it's huge for us. So thank you Montaigne.

[Justin McElroy]

We have a final thing that one of our listeners wants to be faster than we've got to find.

[Travis McElroy]

What, what are we.

[Justin McElroy]

How are we saying this? Yeah, there's got to be a smoother. Go to fear.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. Got a fear this year. I want to be faster than my fear of all the old dudes swimming laps at the public pool. They may be strong and fast, but so am I. Fuck yeah. My name's Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm Travis McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin McElroy.

[Justin McElroy]

This has been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips.

[Travis McElroy]

It's better with you my life.

[Justin McElroy]

It'S.

[Travis McElroy]

Better it's better with you my life it's better it's better you. Is it true? It's better. It's better with two. It's better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

Maximum fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

A worker owned network of artist owned.

[Justin McElroy]

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