← My Brother, My Brother And Me
My Brother, My Brother And Me
MBMBaM 765: Face 2 Face: Ethics of Pissin' in Da Car
01:22:43
No, it's not a surreal dream, it's MBMBaM live in Grand Rapids, Michigan! We're taking questions about lawn mowers, arguments about states, blood pacts to Lucifer, rhyming schemes about animals, and the first and only Missed Connections. Suggested talking points: Old Mean Eating Cereal Experience, Paul the Wall A Stronger Paul, Just the Hat, Fuck Off King, Whippin' Shitties, Ashes to Ashes Dew to Dew, Chilli-Based Scheme Transgender Law Center: https://transgenderlawcenter.org/
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Justin McElroy
The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Justin insists he's a Chexspurt, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I say only, so the babies out there listening know how cool they are for listening. Take it away. What's up, you cool babies? It's the start of something beautiful A small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into a precious friendship I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life it feels like it's better it's better with you My life ah, it's better it's better with you this is true it's better it's better with two it's better with you hello, everybody, and welcome to My Breath, my brother Bean, and my show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your middlest brother, Travis. Vroom, vroom, McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary Griffin. Bill Ford. Tough McElroy. I wish we had the courage of our convictions to have not just come out on stage and made everybody here just have to buy a ticket to watch an older man eat cereal. I feel like that would have been the moment we escalated to high conceptual art. I do wonder, could we have come out at that point and just been like, the rehearsal and then gone home? Yeah. Yeah. Would that have worked? You guys just got rehearsaled. There would have been a moment where you guys were watching it, right? And like, if it had gone, let's say it went 15 minutes, right? And you're like, oh, this is like an intro bit, right? And then what if it went 25 minutes? Yeah, yeah. And then 30, and suddenly it's like 90 minutes and then just the stage lights go out and house lights come up. I did. I was backstage. And this is really the thought I was having. I'm having the strangest dream right now. I'm in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I'm just like Speed Racer and my co host is there and also my dad randomly. And I'm gonna go on stage, but I can't go on stage yet. Yeah. And they're eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but it's pizza flavored. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what that means, Doctor. What you guys could not see is, backstage, the three of us were walking Back and forth behind the curtain waiting to go on. And it worked out. So it was like Justin and Griffin on one track and me in the middle going opposite directions just nervously like a cartoon. It was beautiful. I'm sorry, people in the front row. You probably didn't know you were signing up for such a up close and personal cereal old man eating cereal experience. I hope a lot of the milk didn't end up in his facial hair. I was worried about that. You know how he eats with his mouth. This is an advice show, huh? Y' all are wilding out. That's great. It's good. It's good advice. I'm glad you're ready for it. Cause we're gonna help a lot of people tonight. We've got questions from you in the audience. If you have questions from us to you. To you. And you're gonna be able to submit yours and come up later in the show. And imagine not on. Justin said up. You're not coming on this fucking stage, man. Don' We've been doing this shit for like 19 years now. You know Paul. We've got a stronger Paul that stops people from doing that. So watch out or you'll meet tough Paul. We call him Paul the Wall. You can't get past this Paul. He's Paul's big brother. Paul's older brother Paul with four A's. Sometimes big brother Paul Wall is sick and little Paul has to be the wall. It doesn't go as good. No. Then he's more of a gate. But it is. The hinges are rusty, so it's hard to open. Yeah, it's tough when the whole thing hinges on him. My family. My family member suffered a heart issue while mowing his lawn, ultimately causing him to be in a wheelchair recently. He pretty funny so far. It gets better. Recently he has passed away due to these. What if that was it? And that's the end of the question. Just letting us know. Sometimes we like to use the email as a newsletter for people to let us know what happened in their life vis a vis family member demise. Congratulations to the Grand Rapids High school class of 2025. By the way, that's part of it is us announcing that the rehearsal. Yeah. So recently they passed away, but it was due to those complications from the heart attack. From the heart attack on the. Yeah. Okay. I have the heart attack on the riding lawnmower. It's been so long before Chekhov's gun was put out there. Well, we're going to return to that concept right now because I have an old push lawnmower that takes me hours to mow my lawn while they had one of those sweet zero turn radius riding lawnmowers with attachments. I could save so much time and energy with one of these puppies. How long is the standard grooming process before I can ask to purchase this bad boy from family? That's from mowing in northern Michigan. Are, are you here? Yeah. You know, can I say I'm. We rarely have to say this. I'm glad you're still here and haven't been killed by the haunted riding lawnmower yet. I also, I want to say if I were a director, I couldn't have told you how to deliver that. Yup. And then you did it. And I thought that's the only way to do it. Nailed it. That was the exact perfect line read of a response to this question. Before we get started, on a scale of 1 to 10, how allowed are we to make jokes? I hope it's 10. I guess I want you to factor in your closeness to this family member. No. Why are you doing this? They did that math before they sent it. The deal has been signed. I guess that's fair. The pact has been made. Oh man. Must be tough looking at that riding lawn mower all day. So many memories. You know what? You know what I'm going to do for you guys? Take that bad boy off your hands. I, I, if you, I don't know, maybe this is just West Virginia family thing. I don't know. But if the riding lawnmower is the nicest non home, non car thing they owned, I, it's not that you're being crass. It's that I don't think you've been crass enough. I believe two family members are already fighting about this thing. Yeah, for sure. Guaranteed. When they found out they were sick, there's a part of it was like, man, they meant so much to me. Could I be the sort of person that owns a riding lawnmower? Yeah, like they've already started picturing it. Like maybe that could be me. Such a fucking bummer. I'm gonna just put this quarter right here on top of this riding lawn mower. Also, even though the owner operator of the lawnmower has passed away, the lawn's still there, right? They still might have need of it. You should start mowing the lawn with that riding lawn mower. Yeah. And wear their clothes. We were all thinking it. We weren't. Okay, I didn't say that part. Cause everybody seemed to like it before then. So let's. Okay, so you're not wearing their clothes. No, just the hat. But that's for sun protection. That's for some protection. That's not weird. That's sun protection. And their glasses, which are prescription and you don't need them. But it's nice. That's nice. Say you're trying to recreate the incident for evidence purposes. If you're reenactment, you're filing a class action lawsuit against John Deere himself. You're going to get his ass continued to. If you started mowing the your relative's lawn that passed away and then you just continue to grow your concentric circles and expanding radii, eventually you will be at your house. Right. Eventually you will be mowing your point turn. You're going to get some clean lines. Y. You're gonna mow some street. That's unavoidable in Justin's plan. And maybe some cars, some people. Who knows? But it's worth it. I think you could maybe talk to the other family members and say maybe if you made that rotting lawnmower mine, maybe you don't have to worry about your lawn for a little bit. Maybe that's gonna be. I don't get your beak wet. Maybe if you slide the lawnmower my way, maybe you don't have to cut grass for 12 months. And then if they try come to you and try and enforce it, be like, do you want me to fucking die? This is the riding lawnmower that kills people. Sis. I'm protecting you. I'm protecting you and myself by not getting on this death trap. I think it just looks cool. Yeah. The aesthetics are what does it for me. It's a decoration piece. Would you like another question, boys? I love one. Yeah. Here it comes. I often go to the local movie theater by myself. When I did. Why did you put such weird judgmental emphasis on it? Okay, let me try again. Sorry. I often go to the local movie theater by myself. Also unnecessary. Okay. I often go to the local movie theater by myself. Great. When I do, I order my ticket ahead of time and pick a seat that has space around it. It's the only thing to do. But sometimes when I arrive, there's someone already sitting right next to me. Brother, that's the noise of someone who sat down and realized there were people sitting next to them at this show. Yeah. That person is. Is surrounded by other people, by the way. No, no question. I have sometimes when I arrive to someone already sitting next to me. Brothers. Would it be a breach of etiquette to scoot over a few seats once it's clear they won't be occupied. How would I go about doing this without offending my moviegoing neighbor? That's from personal bubble boy. Are you. Are you. Are you here, Personal bubble Boy? All right. I got your ticket pretty high up in the back. Yeah. Are there eight people around you? Yeah. Was that a help? Can I get a stream? Can I get a quick woo? Can I get a quick woo? From the eight people surrounding bubble boy. That's an imposing lot. I have been in a place, I've been there, where I've bought my ticket, knowing no one was around, even, like, 10 minutes before the show. And I get there and there's people sitting next to it, and the temptation to lean over and say, like, that's not your seat. But then they would say, oh, sorry, is this your seat? And you'd say, no, that's the point. I just know that's no one's seat. And you were in here when I got here, so you didn't buy the ticket after me, you liar. There's two possibilities. One is that they intentionally bought a seat next to you. Bad sucks. Hate this. Hate this. Second is that they bought a seat far from you and then just didn't take the whole thing that seriously and sat wherever, in which case you were in terrible danger. Yeah. Because that's the. You sit down, right? And you sit down. You realize they're right next to you, so you scoot one over. Then they scoot one over to still be nice. Pretty soon, you're outside in your car and they're in the passenger seat. Yeah. And you fall deeply in love. Maybe. I was gonna say, we got a lot of really spooky chillers versus the guy in the movies here that won't sit still. There's the spooky riding lawnmower of the midnight society. It's the uncle killing lawnmower. And the elbow bumper. I hate having to figure out what seat I'm gonna like the best. When I'm looking at a screen. I hate that. Cause I am gonna sit in the exact seat that I picked. But sometimes when I get in there, I don't really like the look of it anymore. You know, I don't wanna sit there anymore. It seems too big or the screen seems really big from when the noises are too loud. That's not like that. It's not unlike that. It's just saying like that sometimes I wanna sit wherever. But if you go back and you' like to file a change order. They look at you like, hey, as long as we're going off kings. Okay, well, hold on. You can't. You can't tell yourself to go off king. I thought we were collectively going off kings. No, man. You invited Justin to do that. But then you can't step in and be like, I guess we're all going off kings. Like, you need someone to. You know how it works. Because you set Justin up. No, I said it to him, and then I figured it would just spread. You all start talking and saying, like, dope shit, and then me and Justin will then backhand, Three of us are going off kings. None of us are going off kings. It doesn't. We can't all three go off kings. Okay? One of us is going on king. One of us is going off king. One of us always tells the truth. King, pass third base. Give Trash the shell so he can be going off kings. It's his turn. Okay, you gotta say it. Go. Go. I don't know if your shit's good or not. Why do they make it so hard to tell which C number goes with which seed? Because they. Hold on, hold on. Wait. Go. Go. Go off. Go off king. Go off king. No, it's so not worth it that way. It wasn't cursory, like, go off king. I agree. I wasn't. Continue on, King. And then we'll allow it. King, can you drag over the theater trash can to your seat, and when you get there and they are also there, be like, hey, I'm so sorry, I gotta sit super close to this garbage can, you may want to scooch down a few. Now in a way of, like, I'm going to be sick, or like, this garbage can is my friend and I bought him a cigarette. I'm sorry, Travis. If someone comes to you with a garbage can they've dragged over from the corner of the theater and says, hey, King, I'm so sorry, I. Scoot over, King, I need to sit here with my trash can in immediate proximity. You're telling me you're gonna go, why? Tell me why now? No, I'm not saying I would have follow up questions so much as if I thought they were going to throw up so hard they needed the trash can right next to them. I don't think I'd stay for the movie. What if. What if they did this and they sat in their unauthorized seat next to your authorized seat, and then after the film was over, they left their snack receptacles and empty drinks under their seat? And then when the staff comes by and they check the computer to see who is sitting there, they're gonna assume it was me, right? Absolutely. Go off, king. Then I'm getting. That's how you fucking do it. Yeah. You're a giver, Travis. Thank you, Travis. What if you walk over there in it, you just yell, scoot over, K. Sometimes that tension in real life can make a movie so much sweeter, don't you think? That's why we go to the movies. That is why we go to the movies. To be seated too close to strangers. I need your guys help with something real quick, if I could. So I started a company that I call Rhyme Crimes. Yeah. All right. And different organizations and people reach out to me for. For help. And the University of Michigan reached out to me. We never get stories with Travis's bits. Yeah, the University of Michigan reached out to me. They said, Wolverines. Do you like them? It sounded divided, so they said, we've been doing Wolverines for a while now. Yeah. And it's played out. Okay. And they want a new mascot and they want my help coming up with it. Okay. But the catch is there's a lot of chance that include Wolverine in it. Okay? And Wolverine's. So they want it to rhyme with it. Okay? So I have some ideas for what the mascot could be, but I just can't put the word to it. So I'm gonna describe my idea for what the mascot could be, and you guys help me figure out what word I'm thinking. Jesus fucking Christ. Travis back. No, backstage. Travis. I got this kind of idea for a thing. Me. Okay. It sounds like it needs a bit workshop. Justin. No, King, you will go off. Okay, in my defense. In my defense, what was the name of the place we got dinner from? I don't know. I don't know either. Paul, what was it? Rome. Rome. Okay. They had this elephant ear, and I was eating it, and I wasn't really listening or hearing, I guess you would say what Travis was saying. And I was in a very jubilant mood, so I just wanted to support him as a fellow king. That's all. Thank you. All right. Okay, so picture this. The mascot is a team of famous tap dancers, okay. Who once starred as the MC in Pippin and was in Zubu Mafou. Yeah. Okay. The Ben Vereen. The Ben Verenes. Yes. Wait, it's a game. Hold on. Wait, there's gamification. Yes. Hold on. You didn't say this was a game. Travis, I thought you wanted some help with A bit. I didn't know it was a competitive game. Are there points and shit? I don't know what you're talking about, Griffin. Is there prizes and points and shit, man? Travis, the answer to my question is gonna define how much I get into it. Yeah, there's points and shit. Fuck, yeah. Let's go. Okay, so here's my other idea. That I'm Big String. All the football players come in. Yeah. Okay. They're packed in tight together in a small metal container. Sardines. Can I have sardines? Yes. Yeah. All right. The Michigan canned sardines. Very good, Griffin. This feels like a clean enough for TV version of Work of Fart. If we're giving completely different. Work of Fart is related to great works of art. Yeah. Yeah. This is rhyming. Okay. I shouldn't reference that bit because it only happens at live shows now, and those do not make the cut usually. So now I'm picturing maybe a mascot that's something like. Oh. Like something that Billy Joel would describe as taking place at an Italian eatery. Fuck, man. The scenes from Italian restaurants. Italian restaurant scenes. Restaurant scenes. Restaurant scenes. Jesus. Wait, are you submitting that? Restaurant scenes. Rhymes with Wolverines. This explains a lot about. Say it out loud. Okay. I just did. Yeah. And I think we all made our own judgments, right, gang? This explains about. Okay, no, fuck you. King does. Don't pervert it like that. That's not how kings do it, Travis. Fuck off, King. No. Does restaurant scenes rhyme with Wolverine's Cheer for yes. It's close enough. If you dropped it in a freestyle, people would be like, that's good. That's good shit. Okay, I got one more. Okay. I'm picturing a football team comes running out. Okay. And they've got some all star players. Hell, yeah. Their quarterback, Kevin James. Their safety, Leah Remini. Oh, and who's the king? Queens. The University of Michigan King of Queens. That's it. Wow. Griffin wins the not game. Rhyme crime. It's. How does it feel to be a winner? It's like, good. It's like halfway there. It's like halfway there, and then this is my business. Yeah. No. Yeah. What do you mean it's halfway there? This is. With this job that I've gotten from the University of Michigan, I can make all my dreams come true. And you're shitting on it in front of all these people. No, man, I'm helping. This is help. What I'm doing. This is good feedback. And Justin loaned me $2 million to start this business. And how are we feeling about that decision and your endorsement of the. In my defense, I was eating an elephant ear. Big elephant ear. It's a big elephant ear. When he asked me for the money. I do need more money, by the way. I spent all day. I got another elephant ear backstage. Wait, you're good. Wait for your intermission. I work as a nurse's aide in a public school. Every year, our seventh and eighth graders get to go canoeing at the end of the year. I love canoeing and desperately want to go on this field trip. But here's the catch. I can only go if there's sufficient medical need. How can I convince my boss that I definitely need to go canoeing? Please, I need this. That's from critical need for canoeing. Are you here? Yeah. Now, does it have to be existing medical need or an abundance of potential medical needs? That is a. That's a tricky game, though. Cause if you start putting up a bunch of headlines in the principal's office about recent canoeing fatalities, you may just scuttle the whole trip. Honestly, you can only make it seem so dangerous before the principal's like, this is reckless. You really gotta split the uprights. That's true. Yeah. It can't be too dangerous of an event where they're gonna like. But it doesn't have to be, you know, a pecan of danger. A whiff of danger. Yeah, I think you could work that out. How deep's the river? This is important. You are taking kids in the year 2025 outside. They're in danger. Like, we can't keep doing this with our kids, guys. We can't just take them from YouTube to a river, okay? We can't. There have to be some stuff. You have to take them, like, downtown to their aunt's house, some other places right outside. Or, like, a VR outside experience just to get started with. Keep the bumpers on. Just have them sit on bench. Like, they can't go straight to river. Okay. They're gonna freak out. Point at, like, point at iPad and say cloud, cloud, cloud, and start making connections. Do you feel good about this bit? Cause I'm just saying. Not now. Yeah, yeah, I felt pretty good about the cloud cloud thing. I felt very clever. Well, shut down King. Should I scoot over closer to Gel state or what's going on on that side of the table? The essential thing is that someone is speaking, Griffin. That's the only fair point. These people will pay for content. Damn it. They paid these dad back out here with more crunchy, gross Cereal. These people must be satisfied. I think the work that you do is obviously vital and important. If there is canoe danger, I don't know that it satisfies a medical need as much as I need just a big, strong person. A big, strong person who makes swim. Paul's big brother on a canoe would be absolutely a dream. You're on a jet ski there on a canoe. I would trust that I'd feel so safe if someone was coming down a river on a jet ski just whipping shitties around me the whole time. Whipping shitties. Yeah. That kicks ass. I loved it. Yeah. Doing donuts. But call it whipping shitties. It's way better. I've never. Wow. I've never heard that before. That's really good. Really cool. Go off king. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You earned that one for sure. I can think of other ways to canoe than having to wheeze the juice of your. Of your school. I think you. There's a pretty good chance that will take away from your peaceful enjoyment of the experience. I love canoeing. The only thing that would make it better. Yeah. Is if There were like 7512 year olds with me whose lives were in my hands, but whose behavior wasn't. Yeah. Sometimes I see people at like a theme park that are corralling, like 30 sixth graders and I get so scared. I start thinking about, like, being that one person who's like, I guess they're all here. Like, it's terrifying. I also have just thought about. I doubt very much with the state of things, that they get paid extra to take all those kids with them. And it's not like hazard pay. They should get hazard. If I'm paying, you get a percentage. You have to clear. 80% of the kids have to make it back. That's the deal. If you get 80%. Some children left behind, as long as it's the shitty ones. All right. You know, like Derek, I was gonna. I was gonna say, forgive my ignorance. I was gonna say, I doubt they're gonna take him on a particularly wet and wild course on this canoeing field trip for children. But then I did remember the name of this city is Grand Rapids, which seems to suggest that maybe they do go pretty hog wild out there. Or it could be they're all made of, like, glowing, beautiful crystal. But they're easy to get over. They're simple rapids, but damn, are they good to look at. I'm a simple rapid. One time, Justin and I went whitewater rafting and almost died. Yeah. And we. We were like children, but like adult age children. Sure, if you will. And so if it's anything like that. It's not safe. It's not safe. Don't do it. I almost died. My older brother saved me. Saved his life. Where were you? I did it once with a church group and there were. There was no danger or threat whatsoever. We were sailing on the good Lord's mercy that night. It was whitewater rafting. Sure. I was a theater kid in high school and college. During that time, I participated in a mime training summer school. It's been many years since I last mimed anything. I heard a genuinely like, wow. But I recently realized one of my former classmates goes to the same climbing gym as me. We've encountered each other several times, but neither of us has initiated conversation or acknowledged the other's presence. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy and fun to be around. But now I feel too awkward to break the silence. How can I climb in peace without him noticing me? That's for Mason, the former mime in Michigan. Are you here? Why would you break the silence? I fucked up. What the fuck? There's a code, man. Yeah, Mason, that was actually a test and you just failed it. Your mime teacher just stands up and goes. Can you imagine, though, when being a former mime, that first moment when you break your vow of mime silence, how good it feels to just bust right there with a sound? Just sound bust. Bah. You probably. I would hit him with like a bah. Ah, yeah. I have a question. This mime training course, what were they training the mimes to do? Miming, probably. Oh, okay. I thought it was like a workplace safety thing or like HR or some shit. All right, mimes get together. We've had a lot of complaints lately. Mime jokes aren't working in an audio setting. Hey, Wicked. Don't. We're realizing, yeah, this is not gonna make the final cut, is it? Can you. Oh, gosh. Can you do mime tricks and then just wait and do them pretty publicly? Do mime tricks. Mime tricks. I don't know what they fucking call fake. Throw a ball and see if they catch it. That's a good starting point. Yeah, it might take a minute. And they're like, damn, you gotta be pretty sure that's them though, huh? Hey, hey, you gotta be. Hey, you gotta be fucking sure, dude. You cannot be doing mime tricks at someone you think is your old mime friend. Also, were they good at mime? Even if it was them, you throw the ball and they, like, act like it hits them in the face, and you're like, no, sorry. Trev, do you think being good at mime means you catch the invisible ball? If you're good at mime, I was thinking of improv. Yeah, well, you don't leave him. Don't leave him hanging. I mean, I wouldn't leave a fellow mime if he chucked it to me. I'm gonna catch it. I. When I was in college, I took a master class from Marcel Marceau in the art of mime. And here's how it happened. Marcel Marceau came to my college, and the boss of our college said, marcel Marceau is gonna teach a master class. And if you miss that, I just don't know what to tell you. The boss of your college said that. The dean of the college. That's not what you said. Acting said that if you missed that masterclass with Marcel Marceau, I just don't know what to tell you. So I showed up to the master class with Marcel Marceau, the greatest mime ever. And here's what I was. Wait, hold on, Justin. Go off king. Thank you. At the end of it, I can remember my main takeaway was I thought there would be more practical entry level mime instruction. He assumed a great deal of miming experience that I did not possess. And it was a great deal more theoretical than I could really utilize. We kind of very much undermined the idea of a master class, haven't we? Yeah, I would say I undermined it, and I would get an Oscar for that. But, yeah, that was. So basically, anything that I've said in this question is accurate. Because of that, I'm the only one who has trained with moms. Well, show us some of the stuff you learned. Again. I have already established that get in a box. The only moms I've ever learned. Get in a box. Get in a box King. I like the Christian get in a box king. Okay, I'll try. I'll see what I remember. It's kind of like a. Yeah, okay. He's gonna. He sets down his speed Racer helmet. All right, all right. Okay, Here he comes walking. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's doing a little wiggle. Oh, yeah, he's killing it. Oh, he found his helmet. Oh, look, there's his helmet. He's gonna grab that. Oh, no, it zapped him. No, I think it's stuffy. It's heavy. It's too heavy. He's trying really hard. I can see Marcel's ghost. Oh, no, he shit himself. He snaps his Fingers. Where's the box? Oh, there it is. He got. He forgot about the box for a second. He's leaning on. He's leaning on. How's he doing that? Oh, no, he's getting in a womb. What is he getting into? He's rebirthing. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he's adventura. Ing. Yep. He's bowing. Great job. Hey, dude. Yeah. Fucking nailed it. Thanks. You did fucking great. Thanks, man. I feel really good. I was ready to make fun of you, and then you did a really good job. It's like Marcel Marceau was sitting on your shoulders, pulling your hair to make you do the. He's more like Marcel Marso and you're Marcel Mar. Great, King. We got it. Hey. Actually, I'm gonna say we can't say King. Can I save one more to the end of the show? Yeah, but it better be good. Yeah, I was going to use it now. King. My genuine take on the last segment is this. While doing it, I began to feel very relieved that I was being entertaining without having to speak. And I wished in that moment that I had a deeper repertoire of things I could do physically that would be entertaining to people. You know what I mean? Like, I get juggling now. Sure. If you want to take a break from doing jokes and entertaining people, at least you can throw some stuff around. Take it easy. Yeah, just take it easy for a bit and throw stuff around. Was there a moment, Josephine, when you started it and you're like, I don't know. And then halfway through, you're like, I'm pretty fucking good at this. No, no, no. It was. I had the full arc of, I'm not good at this. Oh, I think I might be good at this. Oh, you actually don't know if you're good at it or not? Actually, you should sit down. Art is a lie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about Another question? I'm 28 years old, and I started work at a new company a few months ago. Everyone at my job is much older than me. That's not like 40 or something gross. That's not normally a problem, but everyone is super nice. But there's one small issue. Co workers keep asking me about trends and slang that their kids and grandkids are using. Sometimes they even show me videos of TikTok dances and they're doing to ask what it means. I've never. I've literally never been cool or on social media ever. I've never used TikTok. I have no idea what their grandkids are doing online. How do I show My coworkers that I'm not that interesting. I have no idea what a Beast game is. That's from wildly out of her depth in Waterford. Are you here? Let's go. Let's go. I was gonna say that being on social media and being cool are mutually exclusive, but then I also remembered I'm 41, and maybe I don't get to make that choice. No, you do not, sir. Dang. You're 41. Yep. Only a couple years left. Sheesh. Of being cool and young. I mean, I feel like you have a responsibility to learn this stuff for your audience, for your. Listen. Your brain is ready to accept this information on a level that their extremely old brains cannot process. Do you. You know, they remember when there was, like, big bands on TV and stuff? Like, they can't. They can't understand Mr. Beast, a man whose whole career is just giving Arby's sandwiches to people they can't buy their. Mr. Beast was Lawrence Welk. You know what I mean? Like, that was their. Mr. Beast was Lawrence Welk. Our Mr. Beast is a man that hands out Arby's sandwiches, stuff full of $100 bills to everyone in the entire city or whatever. That's my favorite. That's my favorite of his video. I don't know why he does it driving down the street at 70 miles an hour, but. Yeah. Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah, he just. We got the beans. I heard that the Arby's sandwich hit somebody so hard, it cured their colorblindness. If you. It killed them. But if you learn all this and begin to apply it in your life, you have. You are willingly joining the losing team, I will say. And if you teach these older folks how to then go up to their grandkids and be like, pretty. I can't even fucking come up with one. Pretty. Skibidi. My ribs. Nailed it. I think you're doing Ohio. Hey, whoa, wait. Hold on. Really? The state or the university? Can we unpack this? Both. Hold on. Hey, if we could just take a. Let's just take a beat because it's getting a little heated in the room right now. Yeah, let's just take a beat right now. Can I ask one question to kind of chill things out a little bit? Yeah, sure. Do Ohio drivers come over here and everything up, or is that just welcome. We have this in West Virginia, too. We should get a pen pal thing going. Yeah. The absolute worst, right? I'm getting. There's an important question I have to ask, but you like Cincinnati, though, right? Hey, now, I Do as I would have liked and then. Let me try. You guys don't actually like Cincinnati, right? It's more people. I don't really like Cincinnati. Listen, you can't say that. No, I love Cincinnati. Please don't come for me. Do you hate its diverse biomes, you fucking lunatics? I think what it is, is Griffin. It touches the Great Lakes, too. You're like brothers. Stop, Listen. Stop. This is not gonna get paid. Listen. This is not working. The thing is, the problem is Griffin doesn't live in a state, so he's very jealous. Taxation without representation. Yeah. The idea that you can live in a state, state, like just any state, is so cool. It's bums him out to think about. The fucking state Griffin lives in is the state of denial. Yeah. Our fucking rival city is Dollywood. The closest, like, it's you guys in the Vatican. And we're in the lead right now is. Oh, dead Pope. I guess so. So I've got. It says taxation Without Resignation on your license plate. Yeah, it sure does. It's the only place that license plate basically says, we've been cooked. It just says right on there. It's also the ones that people who make that decision have to see every day. And they look at it and go, well, fuck off. Yeah, man. It's a whole thing. Normally, we want people to clap at the end of act one, but I think we should probably leave in silence this time. And you know what? Here's what I'm gonna say. Justin and I get to leave first. Griffin has to count to five, and then he can leave. Please, no applause. We have posters. They're by Samara Jethwa. Look at them. They're great. They're fucking. So rad. This is your chance to buy them. Only chance. Please send us questions that we can consider in the next half of the show. We're gonna take a brief intermission. We're gonna be reading them backstage. So please send those. And, oh, yeah, don't forget, we have a challenge going out there for the balsaborian. Excuse me. Paul's the Born Memorial Kung Fu Drive. I forgot we did that since the last tour, and I just cracked myself up looking at it. But we are donating the proceeds of that to Feeding American West, Virgin West Michigan. God damn it. All right, make sure you check that out. Justin and I are going to leave the stage. Griffin, once we've left our seats, you count to five and then you get to go. All right, man. Weird vibe. All right, my man. One, two. Two, three, four, five. Thank you all. We'll be right back. It's better. It's better with you. Hey, brothers. Hi, Travis. Hi, Travy. Hi, everybody. We're here in St. Paul. And you know, that reminds me of another saint, a little saint called Saint Rocket Money. Oh, I remember him from the Catholic Bible. Of course. His miracle. Well, that's canceling unwanted subscription services. Sorry. Dad is here because we're recording these ads right after soundcheck, and Dad's here, and his laughter just got on the. No, it's okay. He's just. You can be in the Rocket Money ads. No, I love the Ed McMahon energy you're bringing to it. Yeah. Anyways, St. Rocket money saved millions of people money, and he could do the same for you if you let him into your heart. Because Rocket Money is both a saint and a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and believers and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscription saving members up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features. And you could just put that right into your tithe. Yeah, right in your tithing. You can give it right back to him. He loves it. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Download the Rocket Money app and enter my show name. My show name, my brother, my brother and me in the survey. So they know I sent you. Don't wait. Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about them from our show. Dear Macros, I didn't think we at Rocket Money didn't think we were gonna like the religious thing, but by the end of it, we liked it. Agreed. Yeah, we were in for that. We liked it. And here's one stamps.com actually read ahead and said no religious stuff in ours, please. Yeah, it says agnostic as hell, please. Yeah. So when you're enjoying your secular workday and you're not being swayed, maybe even on Sunday or Saturday, because you don't care what day you. Because you do not care, because those are just normal secular days for you. But you need to send off some mail, but you don't feel like going to the post office. I've been there. I mean, not my experience has been a little bit more faith based, but I've been there. So I feel like sometimes just mailing a letter is pretty magical when you think about it. How's it get there? Nobody Knows. No one knows. Well, stamps knows. In a sense. Stamps and letters stand in defiance of prayer. That's cool. They're earthly prayer. If you think about it, that's. Oh yeah, they're loving it. With stamps.com, tedious tasks like sending certified mailer packages can be done on your time, not someone else's. They handle all your mailing and shipping needs. Whenever, whenever, wherever, however, who done it, however who done it, you done it. It won't ship flat, Stanley. Don't though. Don't even ask. Don't even try to ship your little brother access to all the USPS and UPS services. You need to run your business right from your computer or phone, anytime, day or night. No lines, no traffic. It couldn't be easier. Plus you get rates you won't get anywhere else, like up to 88% off USPS and UPS. Amazing. You can have more flexibility in your life with stamps. Just like fat Stanley. He has stood motionless watching the entire race. Dad's just judging his hands on a microphone, ready to give feedback. He's so unsteadily ready, he's about to send it home. Have more flexibility in your life with stamps.com, sign up@stamps.com and use code my brother for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com code my brother. There it is. Perfect. Thank you, daddy. Hey, before you go, don't leave, don't leave. Sit down because we have some news for you. We want to tell you about all the exciting stuff we got going on, including some some live shows that we have coming up in Columbus, Ohio and Anaheim, in Sacramento and Texas, and a bunch of other places. You can get tickets and links over at Bit Ly McElroytours. And it's a new month, so make sure you go over to mcelroymerch.com check out the new stuff there. Yep, that's it. Is there anything else? Man, if so, you're great. Never give up. Never give up. Take a deep breath. Let it out. Go away. After 400 episodes, the maximum Film universe is kicking off a brand new phase. We have got a brand new host, hilarious writer and comedian, Kevin Avery. Hey, that's me. Kevin's teaming up with me, film critic Alonso Duraldi, and me, producer and film festival programmer Drea Clarke. Together we're taking on summer blockbuster season by talking about some of the biggest movies in theaters. That makes this the perfect time to join the Maximum Film Gang, reserve your Maximum Film ticket, pre order your Maximum Film custom popcorn bucket. We're trying to say it's a great time to start listening to the podcast, so jump back in to the continuing adventures of Maximum Film Every week on MaximumFun.org hey, do you have a favorite episode of Star Trek? If you do, you should also have a favorite Star Trek podcast. Greatest Trek is about all the new streaming Star Trek shows, and it's a great companion to the Greatest Generation, our hit show about back catalog Star Trek that you grew up with. It's a comedy podcast by two folks who used to be video producers. So it's a serious mix of comedy and insight that fits right into the maximum fun network of shows. And Greatest Trek is one of the most popular Star Trek podcasts in the world. So if you're following Lower Decks, Prodigy, or Strange New worlds, come hang out with us every Friday as we roast and review our favorite Star Trek shows. It's on maximumfun.org YouTube or your podcatching app. All right. Welcome to Haunted Doll Watch for. For today, I'd like to introduce you to a new seller that's been burning up the charts. I'll be playing dark magic. There are charts? Yeah, man. Today that. I'll be playing Dark Magi 38 in this skit first. Can we do it like that? You guys like pretend with me too? I love pretend. Okay. Hi, I'm Dark Magi38 and these are all my spells. What's your real name? Greg. Cool name, dude. Gary. Gurry. Gregory. Gregory. Nice. Sorry. Guri is their last name. Gotcha. First up in my list of spells, I got a haunted doll activation. Are you telling me you got a doll? Are you telling me you got a doll and it's not haunted enough for your taste? Well, good news. I can infuse a vessel with spirit energy. Fuck yes. Finally. Oh, yeah. Do you have a spirit doll, vessel, figure, or item you wish to activate? Look at that doll. So plain, so unhaunted. This haunted doll activation ritual is designed to spiritually awaken your chosen object. Wake up. Get off. I know you're in there. Come on. And it turns it into a paranormal companion familiar or conduit for metaphysical communication. What about bad roommate? Will it do that for me? Because a lot of the time, the haunted dolls we hear about turn lights on and off and clunk around. Are you asking for the types of spirits available? Because I, Dark Magi 38, have a wide range. Yes. Please, Dark Magi 38, tell us of your wares. Can you tell us what happened to the other 37 dark magi? The different spirits that get smoosh into your doll include Guardian spirits. Cool watchers. What's the difference? I think you know exactly what. The Guardian will intervene to save you. The Watcher's like, mm, sorry, that happened. One of them. One of them has to watch. One of them likes to watch. I could do childlike echo. Spirits. No thanks, man. Like a wiener dog. A sword. Witches familiar, past life. Hold on, hold on. Sorry. Those are my balloon animals. I got confused. Witches familiars, past lives, soul fragments. I do a lot of. Wait, I'm on my own. Past life. Yeah, well, whatever past life you want to put it in there. If you just want to put your first 30 years just to store them in some doll nearby, that's no problem. There's always sick. It's a USB stick. Yeah, I can do customer quests too. Now, I need. I need three things. Can you guess what they are? The money. The money. Nope, nope. Money. And the doll is. Hold on, wait. The doll's not one of the three things? Just need a photo of that. Thank you. A photo will suffice. I do not need you to send me the doll. Just a photo. Smart. That's smart. A crystal of some sort. No type of energy or purpose. You'd like the spirit to serve and then they need your name and intention. Oh, okay. It's all non physical things that don't require shipping of any sort. Right. No problem. Then it's all done remotely, which is. Whoa. Yeah, because the Internet age is incredible. Yeah. So you know you used to do these in person until COVID 19. Yeah. So there's nothing at all to ship. I could tell that I'm not really making much of an impact here, so maybe we could take a different kind of a pact. Maybe a blood pact. What a big jump. In case you were uncertain as to what blood is and comes from. Can I just. Can I just say, before you tell us what this is all about, if you were to ask me what the price should be on a blood pact sold online, I would probably have said $120 or best offer. Thank you. We. It's high, but high enough that I believe it works. Not too high that I'm going to say no. Yeah, we pride ourselves on our pricing, so thank you. I'm so glad that that works for you. So this is. You're going to forge an unbreakable bond with the divine or infernal forces through our blood pact with only 120American dollars. This ritual is a profound commitment that offers immense power, protection, or knowledge in exchange for your devotion and loyalty. Honestly, when you think about it that way, 120 bucks is a small price to pay. Wait, compared to your Magi 38? Kind of seems like I'm already paying. A lot of people get that confused. I'm more of a middleman. You're giving me the $120. You're giving the demon your devotion and soul. I guess I'm not a big demon guy. Yeah, I'm just to jump ahead a little bit. Magi 38. Does this involve Dark Magi 38? Please. Magi 38 is my nice bro. Okay. Sorry. Dark Magi 38. Thank you. Does the blood pact involve me shipping you blood in any way? Gosh, I hope not. That's such a great question. I'm gonna guess just based off what I learned about you and your frugality from the previous. The previous? The fact that you haven't bought into stamps.com? yeah. There is no physical product. That said, if you are worried about the effect, I will allow for up to one recast. Whoa. So if you feel like the blood pack with the demon didn't take the first time, I'll try again, I guess. But to be fair, they'll allow for up to four Dreamcasts. Yeah, sure. You get four Sega Dreamcasts with this. With this item. Damn. Four Sega Dreamcast for $120. Especially if they're functional. I could fix them up. Come with Vmus or. What's up? Oh, yeah. This is your. There's divine or eternal power and infernal power. Sorry. Choose to align with either either a God's holy strength and wisdom or a demon's dark power and forbidden knowledge, shaping your future with their influence. Which one's better? Yeah, you choose for me. Dark Magi 38. Dealer's choice. It's a sacred and serious commitment made through a ritual that involves offering a drop of your blood to seal the bond. The pact is not to be entered lightly as it binds your soul to the chosen entity for life. And more importantly, binds your $120 to me. We're good. There are no refunds on this whatsoever. So I assume that you wait until you receive the funds to actually do the ritual. Yes. That is the. Sounds like what you get is like a PDF with the instructions to follow at home. No, I promise. I do the whole thing at home. You promise? How do you get my blood? Whose blood is. No, it's Just the idea of you have blood. Right. Good enough. Cool. I could see that. You guys don't have $120. Maybe you have $100 in exchange for an Angel DNA activation spell. Now, I'm curious about that. Whoa, now, hold on. Am I buying an Angel DNA activation spell or a fucking Lucifer marriage ritual? Now, listen, just to keep it. Looks like it's a counter offer. Yeah. You could get the angel DNA activations, though. Or. Can I be honest with you guys? That's just to keep fucking ebay off my nuts. Cause if you say that you're gonna marry the devil, they're like, well, they're gonna marry somebody. Whatever. So it's just like. I just put angel DNA. Whatever. You're gonna marry Lucifer. Okay? That's where I'm. That's what you're gonna get with this. Okay? You're gonna step. Oh. So the Angel DNA I'll be receiving is. You got it. Hey. O step into a union of unmatched power and passion with our Lucifer marriage ritual spell. This dark and seductive spell is designed to bind two souls in a marriage blessed by Lucifer, the Lightbringer, whether you seek to deepen your existing bond or forge a new and unbreakable connection. Now, wait. Yeah, Can I offer a lower price to just strengthen the bond I already have? Or just go with buds who see a movie together sometime. Like, I'll give you 50 bucks to make us, like, text occasionally and forget to respond. Friend. Gonna get you the DNA, though. Travel. I mean, you can. You can. Lucifer will invoke the blessing and presence of Lucifer to sanctify and empower your union. So I guess that could be with your buds. Yeah, Lucifer can't sanctify your fucking settlers of Catan. I don't get to marry Lucifer. Lucifer just says, I'm glad you're married. And I like it. You really think you're enough man for Lucifer for $100 full time? You think Lucifer? No, I don't expect full time from Lucifer. Lucifer's gotta marry a dude that can't pony up 120 bucks for a blood pact. All I'm saying is I don't expect him to be mine full time, but when he's with me, I expect him to be 100% mine. Yeah, that costs so much more than $100. You guys, I'm only with him 10 minutes a year. Now, I should mention there is no physical product. Okay, if you're worried about the effect, I will allow for up to one recast. Awesome. And this one does have a small other corollary. Could take up to two years to take effect. Yeah. Now make sure you put something in your calendar, you know, or you might forget that you need to go be mad at this ebay person. Wait, so I have a follow up question. Dark Magi 38. I have like five. Okay, when you talk about a few effect. Yeah. If Lucifer is just blessing my marriage is that like we have a fight like six months in and I'm like I don't think that spell worked. No, no, it take could. It could take up to two years. What? It means that after the fight, Lucifer comes to both of you and he's like hey, I love you two together and I hate to see this. Yeah, you two are one of my favorite couples. Yeah, please. Now check me out. Maybe I could be a 3 3rd. I'm 7ft tall and have black leathery wings. Now check me out while I activate my DNA scrat. I can see you guys don't like any of this. I have one more product I'd like to offer you. Damn Dark Magi, that's a lot of product. Please keep an open mind about my final offer. That scares me. That's a. Show me the picture, Paul. Get him pumped. Yeah. Werewolf spell. Werewolf spell for I hate Dark Magic 38. I can't believe you got that actual picture of a werewolf. Yeah, that must have been so dangerous to take that photograph. It's not just any werewolf spell. It's a $70 werewolf spell for the bargain conscious. Yes, dude. I will perform the casting starting at 11pm and finishing again exactly at midnight. I will do it every day for seven days for maximum efficacy. Warning. This is really powerful dark magic. Yeah, clearly. Do not have me cast this if you are not sure that you want me to cast this. To do what? Turn into a werewolf? No. It could just be a spell for a werewolf. It could be a spell about a werewolf. My werewolf transformation spell. I'm not going to over promise. Guys, this is my business, okay? I'm a small business owner and I'm not gonna over promise. It offers extraordinary opportunity to tap into the raw untamed power of the legendary werewolf. The spell is designed for those who seek not only a transformation of the body, but also a path to immortality. Good. Yeah. Now, was I burying the lead with the immortality thing? Mayhaps, mayhaps, mayhaps. Dark Magi 38 are there refunds? Well, are you asking about one recast? This connection is breaking up a little bit. Do you. Are you asking about a recast because there is no physical product. Do I get a guarantee that I'm going to turn into a fucking hot werewolf like this? Are you. Can I just. Are you ready to unlock the untold potential that lies within you? Yeah. Shrouded in the mystique of the werewolf legend. Yes. That sounds so much easier than therapy and medication. We're working out. Yeah. Our werewolf transformation. I find being a schlubby werewolf, actually, that still feels better. Yeah. It's a once in a lifetime chance to become immortal and embrace the wild, untamed forces of nature. Okay. Begin your incredible journey today and experience the thrill of a lifetime. Wow. Now, it could take up to two years to take effect, but after that two years, I will have definitive proof. Yeah. Whether it worked or not, I'm thinking about it. Selling immortality on ebay is a pretty foolproof scam because it's not like, worst case scenario. It's not like they can come to you after and be like, hey, I died. What the fuck? Can you imagine? Like, your memo dies and you're going through the will and you're like, oh, they leave it. And it says here, if I die, contact Dark Magic 38 and ask for a refund. Because that bullshit, I'm a werewolf. Hey, also, tell him I wasn't one of the hot werewolves. I was like half dog and it fucking sucked. We're going to end now. And that's the end of my skit. But I do want to say, it says on here how many have been sold and if that number goes up, I'm going to be disappointed in you. So please, please don't. What's the number at right now? What? We're not going to speak on that. And it's. Don't, please don't do this. Don't do this. There's so many better ways. Before we get to the audience questions. Yeah. This has never happened before and will never again. Maybe it'll happen again. I don't know why Travis said no. I don't want to encourage people because then we'll get fake ones. We got so many questions from you all about you all. So now we're going to do a brief segment called Grand Rapids Bim Bam Live. Missed connection. Danny J in F25 says, hey, brothers, how do I figure out if my co worker Steve is sitting two seats in front of me without embarrassing myself? Danny. Okay, everybody. Danny, if you can just send up a holler. Yeah, that was very quiet. But Steve, if you're sitting two rows in front of the person who just spoke. And your name is? Steve. Can you also holler? So you're good? All right, so you all wave at each other. Awkward. Moving on. Liam r in Lodge D5 says, My friend Colin is here, but I don't know where he's sitting. Can you help me find him? Colin, if you're out there and your friends with Liam R, if you could just shoot up a holler. There we go. So, Colin, I heard Liam's somewhere over there, so get at. Get it. Liam. Avery says, how can I ask my boss to play Fortnite with me? He is also at the live show, so I know we have a lot in common, and I want to play online games with him, but I'm not sure how to break the professionalism barrier. If you're the boss of an Avery, and this one's gonna be hard. If you're the boss of an Avery and you play Fortnite, and you want to play Fortnite with Avery, just holler. Yeah, that's good. That's good. We got that going. And then we got this one. No name, but it seems legit. Hi, I'm pretty sure I'm the boss being referenced in the question about going on the school canoe trip. Can you let the health aide know they can go on the trip? Thanks. That's from boss of health services in Grand Rapids schools. No problem. No problem. We're making magic tonight. I really hope that one is real. Yeah, you should. I will say this. I would get a second source on that one. Double check that one. I wouldn't just show up. That is coming from them through us, so I don't know. All right, we're gonna call some folks down to the microphone. It's down here, stage right, house left. Please don't approach the microphone. If. If we don't call you. Hello. Welcome. Hi. Who are you? I am Nick W. Hi, Nick W. Nick W. What's your question? So I think what I wrote in the email. Yeah, what you wrote in the email is why you were chosen, Nick, because of how you wrote it in the email. Do you want us to say how it was written in the email? No, no, no, no. All right. I believe what I wrote in the email is ethics of pissing in Dakar. Yeah, you said ethics of pissing in Dakar. Ethics of pissing. No, not pissing in Dakar. Ethics of pissing in. And we rolled the dice on you, Nick. Yeah, Nick, you are. You've really delivered, though, I got to say, so speak on that. So. So I'd like to paint a picture for you boys. Oh, yeah. Okay. Not too more than the picture you've already painted with words. Okay. What, you're. You're on the road. Yeah. To see your three favorite boys in live show. Yeah. Where are you coming from? Just to fill out the picture. Don't dox yourself, but like, how far you're in town. I need to know how long a drive it is. Four. Four hours. Four hours. Okay. That changes the math significantly, Nick. All right. Justin McElroy, Griffin McElroy and Hank Green. Okay, yes. I'm sad he's not here, but. Yeah, man, me too, man. I hit him up for some money. Go on. And you know you're in gridlock. Traffic. Yeah. And nature calls, as it does. Okay. Yeah. Who's in Dakarnik? That's the secret that's keeping the stars apart, isn't it? Who's in Dakar? It's me and God, Justin. Okay, wait. No one else. Okay. Because, you know, if someone else had been in Dakar, the ethics would have been quite severe. It would have been different. Yeah. Yeah. The ethics, Nick, I would say, are 100% about the sight lines, honestly. And duh. Indecent exposure charges that you could. If you're able to be discreet, then. Then I guess it's your car. But again, I think the sight lines are the ethics for this. So you're civic. Are you suggesting, Nick, that you. The traffic was so gridlocked, so bumper to bumper that you could not make it to a rest stop and therefore had to explore Carpus options? I would like to add that there was an empty Baja Blast container in the center of the. Now hold on, Nick. Two liter? Two liter or 20 ounces. It was the one you get from the store. Nick. Would you say that maybe the emptiness of said Baja Blast may have contributed to the quest question? I'm not a biologist. I don't know anything about it. Ashes to ashes. Do to do it somehow has less sodium. It's weirdly crazy. It's like more green bottle. Not a cup bottle. It was. It was a cup from a taco. It was a cup. Okay. Believe it or not, it changes the ethics of pissing into car, Nick, if you can believe it. Oi. I have one final question about the. The qualities of this situation. How long had you been in this grid line of traffic? How long had I been in traffic? Yeah. Like this. Bumper to bumper. And everybody's like witnessing half an hour. Okay. I think at that point, if anyone were to side iu pissing In a Baja Blast cup. There. This is how I think it's going to go 25% and then slowly into. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. This situation does. For real. I don't want to watch you piss, Nick. For real. For real. But if I look over and I catch you pissing because you've been stuck in traffic next to me for 30 minutes, I'm going to give you the nod. Correct? Especially if I happen to, in that quick glance scope, that it's a 20 ounce Baja Blast cup. I am going to put two and number one together. You got to like what comes, but what comes next. How about ethics of what comes to next? Where does the pee go? It don't vanish. Nick, what'd you do with the pee? Nick, what'd you do with the pee? My pants are dry and my conscience is clear. All right, Nick. Thank you, Nick. Thank you, Nick. Thank you, Nick. Hi. Hello. Okay. I'm Cassidy T. Hi, Cassidy T. Okay, my question. So my boss is allowing me to work from home starting on Monday. But I'm the only one in the office allowed to do this. And she has told me not to tell anyone that I'm working from home indefinitely. Right. How do I explain to my co workers my forever absence while my work still gets done? Right. So Cassidy and Cassidy's fiction here. In a year or so, people are gonna be at your workplace. Like, where is Cassidy, though? Like, where is Cassidy? Like, my desk is still going to be there. All my stuff will still be there. Cool. Cassidy, come in every now and again. Is it possible that you are in a reverse severance situation? Okay. In which, hear me out. Your boss is. Told everyone the exact same thing they told you. Oh, man. So that on Monday, your boss can come in and not have to deal with any of you. Brick. That's good. Hey, do any of you look a lot like Cassidy, per chance? Cuz I might have an opening for you just to come in like an hour a day. Like, ah, dang my. I forgot my other work at home. And then you leave every day. Yeah. And they're like, you're a veterinarian, but I eat fish. I'm a veterinarian, but occasionally. All right. I like Cassidy. It seemed like you had additional information to add. Oh, well, see, I told them I would quit if I couldn't work from home. Okay. Okay. It seems like, hey, they gave me what I wanted. How stupid are the people you work with? Can I just say, Cassidy, a bold negotiating tactic and congratulations on it panning out. Yeah. Thank you. I like that your strategy was, here's the deal. I'm gonna be at home. Whether or not you pay me to be there is completely up to you. Cassidy, I just realized the answer. You have to tell everyone you work with that they're allowed to work from home if they threaten to quit. It is the only logical ethical thing to do. This is. The ethics of working in DA House is to tell everyone exactly what you're doing. One other option. Unless. Unless. Ooh. You're treading on treacherous ground trail. If you have a trusty confidant at the office, maybe someone you could pay to do this, have them leave notes around saying, I was looking for you. Guess I missed you. I'll find you later. Like to talk about this thing, Cassidy? Yeah. Yeah. And have them just sporadically leave those around. So now it's not that they can't find you, you can't find them. Maybe. Maybe you put up a poster that's like, this person has gone missing. What are they hiding? Stop burying the truth. Where is Cassidy? We demand answers. What isn't the company telling us? You gotta come back to the office once. How often are you willing to come back to the offense? To keep. To keep. This ruse is the answer. Ten minutes every day. And have you ever tried to grow a huge, long beard? Just have curiosity knit, Try a Whit Van Winkle thing? I only have to come in once a week. Once a week. Okay, Cassidy, you got to come in different. And it's up to you what that means. And you just be like, man, life in the Annex sure is pretty hard. And they'll be like, what? And be like, yeah, if you can do singe marks and maybe, like, some soot, that would really work. And be like, it's sooty in the Annex, y' all. I gotta keep the boilers fueled. Yeah. Does your building have a basement? I wouldn't know. Exactly. Perfect. That's perfect. Exactly. That's what we need, Cassidy. I mean, tell everybody they can work from home if they do this one neat trick. But if you don't do that, the bosses don't know that I know this one hack. But if you don't do that, I do think the Annex play is the move for you. Does that help? It does. Thank you. Thank you so much, Cassidy. And Cassidy's boss writes in. What the fuck? Cassidy. Cassidy. You promised not to tell. Hi. Who are you? What's your name? Wow. Great. Thanks. My name is Bethany. Hi, Bethany. Hi. So my question is, is that myself and my two sisters who are here? We just Hike the Grand Canyon rim to rim. And I want to talk about it because that's crazy. That is absolutely crazy. What's rim to rim mean? I think you know exactly what it means. I don't actually know what it means. As to why I'm asking when you succeed cook to get. Wait. Sorry. No, I appreciate that you asked cuz people do go there. We started at the south rim and we hiked 21 miles to the north rim. Okay, cool. Wouldn't it have been faster and easier to go east to west? It is shorter that way. I will say or not do it. You are looking for opportunities to bring this up more organically. Yeah, really organically. Because I want to brag right now. People need to know that they're talking to a rim. A rim to rim Grand Canyon. I would stop leading with rim to rim. You gotta stop. That's just first note. Also, we're currently in a city called Grand Rapids. And you could say, you know what else is Grand? The Canyon. That's good. That's cool. Yeah, naturally. Yeah. You know what else is grand? Yeah, yeah, that's pretty good. I like that. Do you have a fake cast? Do I have a what? A fake cast. Not. No. It did for a second sound like fake ass. It did, it did. I was like, okay. I thought if you would a fake cast and people would be like, what happened? You're like, well, I was hiking in the Grand Canyon recently. No, but Bethany doesn't want people to think that Bethany fell into the Grand Canyon. Bethany has a kick ass rim to rim travel log. You need to develop a good like long distance stare off into space, remembering your time. What you thinking about Bethany? Oh, just when I went rim to rim. You could end that with against Kareem Abdul Jabbar and I'd be like, damn. You went rim to rim against Jabbar. Damn. In the Grand Canyon. Holy shit. You played a death match 1v1 basketball game against Kareem Abdul Jabbar in the Grand Canyon. No holds barred, all razor blade elbows. Shit, he's dead now. Wait, is he. He's fine. Can you point at. I didn't kill him. Cracks. Cracks in the sidewalk. You don't come across a lot of chasms in your day to day, do you? No grand ones, that's for sure. Well, that's how you bring it up. Scene Grander. Yeah. Not a bad chasm, I guess, all things considered. That's an all right chasm. If you haven't seen the Grand Canyon, did you? What's that? You haven't? Doug, let me tell you a little. Did you buy a novelty shirt while you were there? No. I want a pity. I bought a sweatshirt. That would have been quite an easy way. I bought a keychain, but my sister made fun of it. Oh, which one? One of the ones who went with you? Yeah. Are you telling me that after you went rim to rim, the. The bond. The bond wasn't so strong. Can you imagine if we three went? This would be a different product. We would be. Providing we wouldn't be even be able to make jokes anymore. Where do you feel so connected? Yeah, she did try to take it back, but it was too late. You can't take the insult or the keychain when you go rim to rims. And she was like, oh, who would buy these loser keychains? And I already picked it. Yeah. Ew, we hate them. You know what that sounds like? Someone who wants to buy it, but they're unsure of themselves. They haven't gone rim to rim. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sister. Who's here? Your chicken. Travis says I would never ever I'll fight you in the whole state of Michigan. Drag her. Does that help? Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much, Bethany. Thanks, Bethany. Grand Canyon. Rim to rim. Get that. Oh, fuck. You guys sit really close. I just shit. Talked someone's sister real close to them. Which one of you was the one who wrote in about losing their toenails? Yeah, we're never gonna do that question. Hard pass. Next time we come back to Grand Rapids and we will. You gotta. You gotta. Now listen, we really mean that because the band Fun came to Ashland and they said, we're definitely coming back. And then they broke up. So. We mean it, though. The lead singer was dying to come back to Ashland. The other dude went, I don't know. The lead singer said, then fuck off. We promised Ashland we would come back. Hello. Hi. How's it going? Sorry, we were doing our own thing there. You're good. You were being so patient and I applaud you for that. What's your name? My name is Duncan. Hi, Duncan. Duncan, what's your question? How do I let my co workers know that I was very serious about having a chili cook off? Right. So we need, obviously, Duncan, quite a bit of background here. Understandable. So what right now you're giving off vibe of very serious about chili cook off. I'm just letting you know. I would have assumed you were. Yeah, I would have assumed. What did you do when you brought up the chili cook cook off that maybe suggested you were doing so like sarcastically or a bit? Honestly, I don't know, cuz I'm making a lot of chili. Okay, cool. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Duncan, the vibe is great right now. I love it. Are you. Are you telling me that a date has been set and it's happened and whether or not they participate, is that where we're at? I'm. I'm practically giving this stuff a. Okay, so. Dylan, hold on. You're being real squirly right now. Dylan. I. I don't. And a straight answer. Duncan, are you somehow laundering money through chili? Yeah. This is a chili based scheme. God, I wish. Yeah. So did you pitch a chili cook off to your coworkers because you were already making a lot of chili and you needed an outlet. Please tell us the origins of this scenario so we can weigh in. It's probably twofold. One every Friday I'm in charge of figuring out what the entire group of us eats for lunch. Okay. So I'm already doing. That's a huge responsibility. It's a huge responsibility and I love making chili. So the other half of it. I assume so, Duncan, by the way, because if you're like, how do I let them know I'm serious about this? Also, side note, I fucking hate chili and the making of it. I'm scared of chili. Well, and I also need to let them know that my chili whips ass. Yeah, yeah. Do you think that that might be it? Are you making chili for them every Friday at lunch? Probably not every Friday, but often enough that they're like, there's no way we could go toe to toe. They had your chili. Never, not even once. Bullshit. You say that like they refuse it. Duncan. I'm offering it. Duncan, if you go in to the chili cook off with your incredible chili and wipe the floor with everybody, no one's going to like that because they're going to feel like you lured them into the chili cook off. You got to have one chili cook off with bad chili. Are you willing to do that? Are you willing to have a redemptive chili cook off in three years? Or wait, sorry, what was the person's name whose boss said they didn't have to come into work anymore? That was Cassidy. Have Cassidy show up at your work and pitch the chili cook off. This is good. This could work. No one's gonna know if Cassidy works there or not. Hey, make everybody do a sign in shoot of the kind of chili they're gonna make. So you have a wide variety. Cause some people like beans, some people Are not enjoying beans. I just have. I don't. Texas red. Now, if I may. Well, Justin's back there. Yeah, Yeah. I love Justin. What you backed into was the idea that rather than gauge like acceptance of the idea of a chili cook off, you would just start passing out a sheet thing. What chili will you be making at this moment? Just a yes or no question, Duncan. At this moment, is there going to be a chili cook off? Well, there is now, yeah. Well, hold on, Duncan, because I don't know that I trust you. You're kind of a chili fucking fiend over there. This is starting to feel like mom said if you said it was okay and dad said if you said it was okay kind of scenario. Hey, Duncan, you ever seen the movie Field of Dreams? Oh, yeah. How it was it? How it was it, Duncan? I've been asked you a simple question, Duncan. How it was it? Field of Dreams. We're good. They built it. They came. Yeah. Whoa, wait, hold on. They what? Yeah, man. Are you telling me in the movie Field of Dreams, they built it and. Cool. Yeah, man. Ectoplasm hither and yawn. This is gonna be a good chili cook off. Duncan, Duncan, did that answer your. Did that when we talked about how they come in Field of Dreams, did that help you? Yeah. Thank you. That solves it. Thank you so much, Duncan. I believe we have one more hello. If you feel it, they will come. And then they're in the background like, yeah, May you made it. Give us a moment for some cleansing breaths. I think my brothers need to. I'm back. Hallie, how's it going? Hello. Okay. Hi, I'm Leah. Hi, Leah. Which question did you get? Oh, Leah, you had a question and that question was about your portable karaoke machine. So the groan, you just sits in a shiver up my spine. Oh, God, my. So this Sunday I'm going to like a Airbnb lake house vacation with a bunch of friends. Cool. And okay, so I've mentioned to a couple of them that I was like, I have a mini portable karaoke machine. Like, does anyone want to do that? But what my question is is how do I, when we're there, like, bring it up? Like, when, When's the time to be? Like, should we do karaoke? That's always the hard thing, isn't it? When everybody's done with dinner and you're eyeing the board game, like, should I just open it? Or oh, God, Leah, I'm so glad you're here and I appreciate you so much. That said, you kind of skipped Over a middle part there where you said, I told them I have this thing. Bum, bum, bum. Anyway, how do I. They were bring it up. How did they respond when you told them you had it? They were kind of like, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, you need to leave it at home. All right? I'm trying to look out for you. If you could maybe. Does it have other fun? Like, maybe you could use it as a Bluetooth speaker. And then when you're, like, looking at the buttons like, look, damn, guys, it's got karaoke posted on here. That's fun. You can use it as a clock. Like, hey, you can help us keep time. When friends get together at an Airbnb, we all like to make morning announcements. Yeah, I tested it out and it does have, like. What song? What song? No. Oh, I was just. What? Hey, you don't. Hey, Leah, you don't buy a mini portable karaoke machine. Oh, I don't really do karaoke. I'm just curious what song you tested it with. I was doing, like, musicals. Yeah. Hell yeah. That's cool. That's all. I won't push any farther. Leah, did you think everyone in this room was gonna be like, boo? No, I know. Everyone's down. It's gonna turn around. What if you had a sign up sheet? That's cool. What kind of chili will you eat while we do karaoke? Oh, my God, that's great. If you say, I got this portable karaoke machine, everyone's gonna think like, oh, no, all they want to do is sing in front of us. But what you do is you set up a little tip jar and you put on headphones and you act completely disinterested in everyone at the house the entire weekend. And then when they come up and hand you their slip, you just be, like, repeatedly call up people that aren't at the house. Next up, we got Darla doing Walk the Morning Line. Come on up, Darla. Last call, Darla. Okay, moving on, Maxine. Reminder, $3 jello shots. Stephanie brought them from home. They're not. Again, Liam, not charging for the jello shots. It's for the experience. Does that help? Does it help? Of course it does. Thank you so much. Hey, that's the best dismissal I've ever heard, Leah. Thank you. Very, very kind. All right, you can make the house lights go away now as we wrap up our show. Grand Rapids, Michigan. Thank you so much. Absolutely. So far. Thank you so much. Thank you. Seriously, it is genuinely still, after all these years, quite scary to do this or any show. And you all have made it truly wonderful being out here tonight. So thank you all very much. Thank you to our tour manager Paul Saborin for, for all of the stuff that he does. Couldn't do it without him. Thanks, Paul. Thank you to our business manager Amanda, who is also recording the show tonight, doing double duty. Thank you so much, Amanda. Thank you to our dad. Thank you to our dad and Dan. Coo Bear, if you haven't lifted the empty bowl, why not fall asleep to me and Dan tonight We have a poster. Hold on. I was going to do it and then you jumped in to be like fall asleep with me. Fall asleep with me in there. We have posters out in the lobby. We signed some of them. Those are probably gone but maybe not. They're for sale. They were designed by Samara Jethwa and they're so rad and please get them. And we also still have the challenge coins for the Pulsa board memorial canned food drive Feeding America West Michigan. We'll receive the benefits of that. Griffin, do we have a fear to read? We have one final fear to read the tonight and I will read it right now. This was sent in by someone in the audience. You're going to be faster than this. Here we go. This year I will strive to be faster than my fear of dead bugs. Live bugs are fine. I love those guys. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. My brother. My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips. Better with you, my life it's better it's better with you it's better my life, it's better it's better with you. Yes, it's true it's better it's better with you my life. Maximum fun. A worker owned network of artist owned shows supported directly by you.