MBMBaM 773: Face 2 Face: Callioucifer

Summary

Podcast Summary: "My Brother, My Brother And Me" – Episode MBMBaM 773: Face 2 Face: Callioucifer

Release Date: July 28, 2025

In episode 773 of "My Brother, My Brother And Me," titled "Face 2 Face: Callioucifer," the McElroy brothers—Justin, Travis, and Griffin—deliver their signature blend of humorous advice and entertaining anecdotes. The episode, lasting approximately 73 minutes, traverses a variety of topics, from personal escapades at Disney to whimsical listener questions and deep-dives into pop culture theories. Below is a detailed breakdown of the episode's key segments, enriched with notable quotes and timestamps for context.

---

1. Disney Encounter: Navigating Security and Vapes (00:00 – 07:03)

The episode kicks off with an amusing recount of Justin and Travis's visit to Disneyland in Anaheim. While exploring the Grand Californian Hotel courtyard, Justin is intercepted by a security guard scrutinizing his pockets.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin McElroy (05:15): "Now, sir, I am not a lawyer, and I am 100% certain you are not within your legal rights to ask me what is in that vape."
• Travis McElroy (06:05): "This Disney cop is trying to make me go down for possession. No, thank you. It's nicotine, sir."

Key Points:

• Justin expresses his aversion to security checks, humorously detailing his reluctance to empty his pockets.
• The encounter escalates with the security guard questioning the contents of Justin's vape, leading to a comedic defense where he asserts it's merely nicotine.
• The brothers conclude the story on a lighter note, exchanging Disney-themed candies, adding irony to the situation.

---

2. Listener Question: The Curious Case of the Tortoise Sandbox (07:03 – 12:05)

A Sacramento listener poses a quirky question: "What should I do about my giant tortoise's explicit lovemaking to my kid's turtle-shaped sandbox?" The brothers tackle the absurdity with their trademark humor.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin McElroy (10:08): "That's from sex ed in Sacramento. I would ask if you're here, but..."
• Travis McElroy (12:07): "See, it's not just sex for pleasure. They needed babies for some reason."

Key Points:

• The brothers interpret the question literally and metaphorically, offering outlandish solutions like introducing smaller turtle toys or redefining the tortoise's behavior.
• They playfully question the logic behind the listener's dilemma, turning it into a humorous exploration of animal behavior.

---

3. Trav's Entourage Fan Theory: The Multiverse of Turtles (20:10 – 27:34)

Travis introduces a fan theory segment titled "Trav Talks," delving into the multiverse implications of the TV show "Entourage." He speculates on a cascading universe theory where each show creates subsequent universes.

Notable Quotes:

• Travis McElroy (21:17): "A Perfectly normal and reasonable Fan theory about Entourage regarding the creation of all things within the multiverse."
• Travis McElroy (24:31): "We are right now living within the multiverse of Entourage, that there was a universe above us that said, your lives are so interesting. We should make a TV show about it."

Key Points:

• Travis connects "Entourage" to a broader multiverse concept, suggesting that the show spirals into an endless cycle of universe creation.
• The brothers engage in a lighthearted yet philosophical discussion about the nature of reality and fictional universes.

---

4. Haunted Dolls: Spirits Among Us (37:05 – 58:06)

One of the episode's highlights is an in-depth segment on haunted dolls. The brothers introduce fictional spirits like Lidelia and Heather, weaving elaborate backstories and ghostly tales.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin McElroy (43:49): "Lidelia dwells in... she often moves things frequently, but is primarily a helping spirit."
• Travis McElroy (56:22): "He inflicts scratches on the skin, infiltrates your sleep to cause you to have nightmares of your biggest fears."

Key Points:

• The brothers present detailed narratives about haunted dolls, complete with supernatural abilities and tragic histories.
• They incorporate humorous elements, such as blending historical inaccuracies and playful interactions with imagined spirits.
• The segment culminates in a mock "Haunted Doll Watch," where they humorously analyze purportedly haunted artifacts.

---

5. Interactive Q&A: Health Inspectors and Student Drivers (58:06 – 71:50)

Towards the latter half, the brothers engage with live callers, addressing various quirky questions from their Sacramento audience. Topics range from handling a demanding health inspector to overcoming the stigma of being mistaken as a student driver.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin McElroy (58:29): "I just want to be clear. If I am eating at the restaurant, I get very excited to see you coming. I say, woo hoo."
• Travis McElroy (64:15): "I respect that."
• Griffin McElroy (65:09): "Thank you so much. Brothers, Brothers, brothers."

Key Points:

• Health Inspector Scenario: A caller named John seeks advice on how to lighten the mood during inspections. The brothers role-play a humorous interaction, blending earnest advice with playful banter.
• Student Driver Concerns: Another caller, Gretchen, worries about being mislabeled as a student driver due to bumper stickers. The brothers brainstorm inventive and funny ways to dispel this misconception, emphasizing confidence and unconventional solutions.
• The interactive nature of this segment showcases the brothers' improvisational skills and their ability to intertwine real-life advice with comedic elements.

---

6. Closing Remarks and Promotions (71:50 – End)

The episode wraps up with traditional sign-offs, acknowledgments of upcoming shows, and promotions for Maximum Fun network offerings.

Notable Quotes:

• Travis McElroy (72:07): "We couldn't do tours or shows without them. Thank you so much."
• Justin McElroy (73:02): "It's better. It's better with you. My life it's better. It's better with you."

Key Points:

• The brothers express gratitude towards their fans and collaborators.
• They highlight future events and encourage listeners to engage with their other content and merchandise.

---

Conclusion

Episode MBMBaM 773: "Face 2 Face: Callioucifer" exemplifies "My Brother, My Brother And Me" charm—combining absurdist humor with relatable advice. From navigating unexpected encounters at Disney to unraveling fantastical fan theories and engaging in spirited Q&As, the McElroy brothers deliver an entertaining and multifaceted episode. Their ability to seamlessly blend storytelling with interactive segments ensures that listeners are both amused and engaged throughout.

---

Highlighted Quotes:

• Griffin McElroy (02:01): "We don't normally talk about shows in front of other shows..."
• Travis McElroy (27:28): "What's the point? What's the point?"
• Justin McElroy (51:17): "I can't figure it out."

---

Note: This summary excludes advertising segments and non-content portions to focus solely on the episode's substantive discussions and interactions.

Transcript

[Griffin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

[Travis McElroy]

It's the start of something beautiful A.

[Justin McElroy]

Small acquaintance has blossomed its ripened into.

[Travis McElroy]

A precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life, it feels like it's better it's better with you My life, it's better it's better with you this is who you are it's better, it's better with two.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello Sacramento.

[Travis McElroy]

Welcome to my brother, my brother and.

[Justin McElroy]

Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What's up Trav Nation? I'm your middlest brother, Travis Big dog.

[Justin McElroy]

Woof woof.

[Travis McElroy]

McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's up trap Nation? It's me, your sweet baby brother, Griffin. 30 under 30 media luminary built for.

[Justin McElroy]

Tough McElroy and Griffin and I had to actively have a conversation with each other backstage where we told each other.

[Travis McElroy]

We needed to calm down because both.

[Justin McElroy]

Of us were too riled up.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, we heard y' all and we got the Zoomies.

[Justin McElroy]

So literally right before we walked out on stage. This is not a joke. Travis and I were sitting there talking about the advantages of a fly rail system versus a half fly system. And Griffin was running in circles around.

[Griffin McElroy]

Us, genuinely, just like, just like putting, making tracks just. We don't normally talk about shows in front of other shows, but last night when we did Dadlands, we thank you. I'd sunk a nasty 30 foot cornhole shot while fireworks from the nearby Angel Stadium boomed in the sky. I've been awake for 40 hours coursing with pure sports adrenaline.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm feeling okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm pretty even keeled. I'm going to be the level head of the show.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm so happy to be here. Sacramento. Thank you so much for having us.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you.

[Justin McElroy]

We've all, we've all traveled here together. This beautiful building. I say we make the most of it. I say, I want to say yesterday, while we did travel, most of today, yesterday was we had a kind of a day off.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

From travel.

[Justin McElroy]

We performed last night but we didn't have to do anything. We were in Anaheim and I'm, you know, I'm kind of a Disney guy, so. But I didn't want to go to Disneyland without my family because I don't know. I don't like. It just felt weird.

[Griffin McElroy]

So.

[Justin McElroy]

But it said we went to Downtown Disney, which is like if. If. If Disney made a mall. I don't know if you know about that, but if Disney made them all be called Downtown Disney, they got one over in Florida, too. And it's Disney that away. That away, you know, yonder. About as far from here as physically possible in the continental U.S. but it's. It's called Disney Springs. Similar idea, but we. Travis was. Was indulging me, and he let me walk from Downtown Disney into the. Just the courtyard of the Grand Californian hotel.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And it took some. Justin was like, I want to go in there, but I don't think we're allowed to.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, of course not.

[Travis McElroy]

And I was like, it's not a ride. It's a hotel. We can walk in, and you can just walk in. But then to return to Disney Springs, you have to go through security.

[Justin McElroy]

And I said, I don't want to fuck it. It's a whole thing. It's a whole fucking production. And guys, I don't know what it is about my brain. I hate taking my stuff out of my pockets.

[Travis McElroy]

It feels so vulnerable.

[Justin McElroy]

I hate it. That's my stuff. And I have the pockets of a boy. You know what? I have the pockets of a small boy. I have a snail.

[Travis McElroy]

I smell like a fucking chewing gum.

[Justin McElroy]

Like an 1800s, my fucking Tom Sawyer. I got like a bullfrog and some jacks and a pocket knife, you know? And so I go in and I'm like, we did walk around, and it was beautiful. And I'm glad my brother encouraged me.

[Travis McElroy]

But then as I'm going back through.

[Justin McElroy]

I have to empty my pockets. And this guard for this at Disney World is looking at the dish and he looks at my vape and he says. And this is what he says, it's important to note.

[Travis McElroy]

It is a weed vape.

[Justin McElroy]

It is important to know that, okay.

[Travis McElroy]

There'S different kinds of vape.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's different kinds of vape.

[Justin McElroy]

It's my weed vape.

[Griffin McElroy]

Stink vape.

[Travis McElroy]

Extra oxygen vape.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Nutrient vape.

[Griffin McElroy]

Olive oil.

[Justin McElroy]

So this. This Disney cop looks at me and says, what's in that? Now, sir, I am not a lawyer, and I am 100% certain you are not within your legal rights to ask me what is in that vape.

[Travis McElroy]

Guaranteed. No question at all.

[Griffin McElroy]

He didn't get a briefing that morning. Like okay, pal, listen up. If someone comes through with the green.

[Justin McElroy]

Stuff, we've had a problem with people trying to smuggle kush through these.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

No, you haven't. But this guy.

[Travis McElroy]

And Goofy's got the drug test coming up, and he's got a weak will.

[Justin McElroy]

This man Travis was with me, so he could testify. This. This man asked what's in this. And he might as well have looked at me and said, say nicotine as loud as you can right now. Hey. Hey, husky boy. Say the word nicotine as loud as you can. Because that's what I did. Of course, sir. Sir, there are three actual police officers five feet from this man. This Disney cop is trying to make me go down for possession. No, thank you. It's nicotine, sir. And as we're leaving, I said, travis, good news. I bought you some Mallard Bites at the World of Disney. Cause he loves Darkwing Duck.

[Travis McElroy]

I do.

[Justin McElroy]

And then he said, I got some Goofy sour balls for Griffin. And then I said, I also bought Griffin Goofy sour balls. And it was like an Ionry story.

[Griffin McElroy]

I know.

[Justin McElroy]

We both bought two Goofy sour Balls.

[Travis McElroy]

I got candy. Griffin got two candy. Justin got no candy. The irony.

[Griffin McElroy]

Justin did okay. Backstage, Travis was like, hey, bro, I hooked you up. I got you Goofy sour Balls. Which went away for a while, which is fucking crazy. But then Justin was like, I got you some, too. But I had to leave him behind in Anaheim.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey.

[Griffin McElroy]

How fucking military grade is the packing you're doing where a little package of Goofy sour balls, like, broke the spatial bank a little bit.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, I was trying to spare your feelings, if you want the truth. We had to leave at 6:45am and at 6:30am I was packing. I thought, fuck, Griffin.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, so it was punitive?

[Griffin McElroy]

No, it's like, what did I do?

[Justin McElroy]

It's like, I'm packing. It's like, early. Like, can you dim the lights? Like, really, really. Like, make them, like, kind of low. Like, lower. Just dim it.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, well here in the audience.

[Justin McElroy]

So it's like. It's like a morning. It's like a morning. It's like a morning, right?

[Griffin McElroy]

Justin can't be mean to me if people are watching.

[Justin McElroy]

So. No, it's like, dark, right? It's the morning. It's like I'm just waking up. And then I, like, see the unpacking. Like, I'm packing my things and getting it all. And then you see my small ball sack, and I think. I think, Griffin, that's what I thought.

[Griffin McElroy]

And you put them. What, you threw them in the garbage can. Instead of throwing them to me, I.

[Justin McElroy]

Left them as a nice tip, I thought, unopened five bucks and some goosey sour balls. You do worse than that?

[Griffin McElroy]

Sure do worse than that.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you want me to call the hotel and see if they'll mail them to you?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, please.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, you got it.

[Justin McElroy]

My brother has legal property there. It is his legal property.

[Travis McElroy]

My brother left his sour balls. Not the brother that was in the room. A different brother. Those were intended for the younger brother. Dough. If you could ship them to the older brother so then he could ship him to the younger brother so that everything will be fixed.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm never seeing. I'm never seeing those sour balls.

[Justin McElroy]

This is an advice show, believe it or not. And this is our first question from you, the people of Sacramento.

[Travis McElroy]

No, I need to jump back real high. So I gave Griffin the bag of goofy sour balls. Griffin, at that point, completely unaware Justin had also bought goofy sour balls. And I wasn't gonna narc. And then Justin voluntarily said, I also got you a bag of goofy sour balls, but I had to leave them behind because they didn't fit in the suitcase.

[Justin McElroy]

Amanda, will you please call the hotel?

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't.

[Travis McElroy]

It's not fun with it.

[Justin McElroy]

Amanda, I need an update. And Paul, will you keep me updated? There were. Amanda, if it may. If it helps. Amanda, if it helps to raise the stakes, maybe. There were several bags of unopened candy in the pile. Amanda, it was a general. Yeah. So if you could just see if they could track down the unopened candy. I don't know how far it is from here to Anaheim, but I'll try to swing back by there tomorrow morning.

[Travis McElroy]

On my way to the plane to make a special stop, swoop around.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let's do a question or I'll die.

[Justin McElroy]

What? What should. What should I do about my giant tortoise's explicit lovemaking to my kids turtle shaped sandbox? Important to note, they are very much in love. And that's from sex ed in Sacramento. I would ask if you're here, but.

[Travis McElroy]

I think you're literally right in front of us.

[Griffin McElroy]

A large stone's throw away from my human body right now.

[Justin McElroy]

That wasn't the sound of laughter. That was the sound of someone realizing they're about to have a very surreal evening.

[Travis McElroy]

I like the phrasing of this where the question isn't how do I stop my giant tortoise's explicit lovemaking to my child's turtle shaped sandbox, but rather, what do I do about it? Yeah, and thank you for Leaving open. Like, maybe the answer isn't find a way to stop.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know how to make a turtle less horny, like, or make a.

[Travis McElroy]

Turtle sandbox less sexy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Less sexy? Yeah. We used to have this exact sandbox. I think most people did.

[Travis McElroy]

And Griffin would it. It happens. He was 14 and exploring his body. He had things to learn about love.

[Justin McElroy]

Frankly, the apple pie franchise was out of ideas. American pie.

[Travis McElroy]

It worked. The bit played.

[Justin McElroy]

It was like a six out of five. It could have done a lot better. Hey, maybe you could convince the kids that that's how turtles keep their nails trimmed. I know a lot of nature's animals have to rely on those sorts of activity, like scratching or what have you.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think you could do. I think you could get away with that just from the motion that the turtle makes while the lovemaking happens.

[Justin McElroy]

How would you describe that?

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, if you know what's happening, it's very obvious what's happening. If you don't, you could just be like, oh, he's doing some turtle pull ups or whatever.

[Travis McElroy]

Right?

[Justin McElroy]

Turtle pull ups.

[Griffin McElroy]

But the sound that they is. You can't call that anything other than an orgasm. An orgasm.

[Travis McElroy]

An org. Turtle orgasm. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Maybe you could find smaller versions of the turtle sandbox and after a while, set them out around that and be like, they made babies.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that's.

[Travis McElroy]

See, it's not just sex for pleasure. They needed babies for some reason.

[Justin McElroy]

Could you find an extremely tiny toy thing. Turtle. To hump your turtle while your turtle's humping the giant toy turtle and explain.

[Travis McElroy]

That's how the universe exists. It's turtles fucking all the way down.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's. That's a very. That's a really good joke, Travis. I do want to just make space for what Justin said. You obviously saw an opportunity to say something funny there and you sprung on it. And I get that because we're in a live environment and we want to dazzle Sacramento tonight. But what Justin said was so patently.

[Travis McElroy]

Fucking bonkers, especially when the question is, what do I do about it? I assume because your children might observe the turtle having the tortoise having sex.

[Justin McElroy]

There is no clock.

[Travis McElroy]

Hold on, Justin.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, you've spoken juice.

[Travis McElroy]

And so Justin's suggestion is maybe pull it to an even more abstract explanation you might have to make to your children. By making it a threesome.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Making it a turtle based Eiffel Tower scenario. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

It'S one of those Tower of Hanoi puzzles where you have to move the turtles without putting a bigger turtle on a smaller Turtle.

[Justin McElroy]

I didn't see the. When they said, what do I do about it? I didn't see the problem, so I didn't know what I was trying to fix, honestly.

[Travis McElroy]

You're trying to spice it up in case the turtle and turtle sandbox lovemaking gets bored.

[Justin McElroy]

It sounded like they just wanted to be present and involved and supportive so that I don't know.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, then you just need to make sure you have some power bars and Gatorade nearby. Cause he's a turtle, so I'm assuming it takes a long time to get a fuck going.

[Justin McElroy]

They can't have power bars. They're turtles. They gotta eat pizza. You should know better. I have a sleep test coming up, and I've been told to bring things with me that make me comfortable.

[Travis McElroy]

However, I like quite a bit of.

[Justin McElroy]

Weight on me for my anxiety. For me, that means seven blankets. Would it be weird if I brought in seven blankets to sleep for my sleep test? That's from Sleepless in Sacramento.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you here?

[Travis McElroy]

All right.

[Griffin McElroy]

We've heard a lot of different sounds. People have used to represent their presence, but not that one before. That was cool.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, sometimes you're sitting there thinking, I know what sound I'm going to make. I've got it all cocked and ready to go. And then the moment comes and you open your mouth, a different sound comes out. And we've all been there, and I understand it. It's valid and relatable.

[Justin McElroy]

When it happens to us, there's usually a microphone in front of us.

[Griffin McElroy]

So, yeah, I guess my question is, how do you transport seven blankets without it being absolutely clown shoes?

[Justin McElroy]

Because I can't figure it out.

[Griffin McElroy]

Even if they're all rolled up cigar tight, that's seven blankets.

[Justin McElroy]

Like, you are definitely going to. There's going to be a moment where it's going to have to be like, I've got more in the car. Or, can you help me with these? Or. Yeah, all seven. That's right.

[Travis McElroy]

Or you wear them like seven big superhero capes at the same time.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, that's the only thing I can.

[Griffin McElroy]

Think is you wear them and walk into the sleep clinic like the Baba Yaga, like, I'm ready for my test.

[Travis McElroy]

I bet, though, that if you're a sleep doctor and someone comes in with seven blankets and you're like, oh, that's easy.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, great.

[Travis McElroy]

Thanks for making the diagnosis of the problem so straightforward.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, that's too many. That's too many. Easy. That's why we do these tests, guys.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, cool, man.

[Justin McElroy]

We saved another Life. Everybody high five. Seven's too many. That's why we do the tests.

[Travis McElroy]

Start walking it back. Try six for a while to see if five works, until eventually you're down to one.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can roll up to the sleep laboratory with your seven blankets and say, I gotta sleep. And the only way I can sleep is with these seven blankets in this giant cardboard standee of Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And then they'll be like, that's fucking wild. And you're like, that's right. That's a good point. Sorry, Kiedis. You're out. Just the seven blankets.

[Justin McElroy]

So you made a sacrifice. And then they show you demonstrated that you're flexible.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I need to do a sleep study soon. And I think it's the wildest shit in the world to be like, I'm having trouble sleeping. Okay, great. Come in to a place that isn't your bedroom.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And let some strangers watch you fall asleep.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Which must be the optimum conditions, surely. And then we'll try to figure out if there's a problem. Yeah, there might be a problem in that. I'm in hell.

[Justin McElroy]

You could cloak some in your apparel. Maybe you have a particularly voluminous scarf. And you're like, it's gotten chilly in here. I'm gonna. Oh, no, it's a blanket. Just kidding. That's one of the blankets. Or you've got a belt and you're like, wow, I love your sash. Oh, thank you. It's a blanket.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's another blanket I bought in seven, though. Juice.

[Justin McElroy]

Seven. No, seven. Yeah. That only got me to two. And then I ran out.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can you bring in three blankets? That's in my mind, the maximum normal amount of blankets. And then you go. And then you get in the bed and you're like, oh, shit, I forgot something in my car. And you take one of the blankets out, but then you come back in with three more blankets. Just sort of.

[Travis McElroy]

That's only five. Keep going.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, then you're gonna do another trip, another round trip, like.

[Travis McElroy]

And then you gotta take the fox across and leave the grain. No, take the chicken. Bring the grain back in.

[Justin McElroy]

My friend who said in the question, I'm gonna ask a question, and then just one word answer. Just yell it out. Are you going to need other things besides the seven blankets? Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, great.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. No, wait.

[Justin McElroy]

No, no, no. Just. I just need one more answer. Just give me a number of how many other things you're going to need. Eight. Eight, Sorry. If you could say the number again. Three.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. Someone got really excited about eight.

[Justin McElroy]

Scaled the number eight. Yeah. Three. In addition to the seven sleep blankets. Okay. All right. So I notably do have seven sleep horcruxes that I need to fall asleep.

[Griffin McElroy]

Please, please, Justin Talisman.

[Justin McElroy]

Right. So, as we know, unless.

[Travis McElroy]

Have you put portions of your soul.

[Griffin McElroy]

In your segments, I think your white noise machine contains a little juice in it.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. I have my sleep headphones go around there. I got my two sleep bracers that keep my carpal tunnel in check. And then I got my special square pillow, and then my sleepy squeezing pillow.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that's five, I think.

[Justin McElroy]

Right. And then I have the weighted blanket. And then I have my cold blanket. The cold. The weighted blanket I don't use all the time because that's only when it's not too hot.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cool.

[Travis McElroy]

Awesome. So how does that relate to our current question you asked. No, you said how many other items? Three. Great.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, they're up to you. I was showing you. I'll explain it if you give me a fucking second. I was not. I did. I was in a judge not listening, you be judged situation. Because seven items of any sort. Yeah, whatever. But when you're pushing the max up to 10 items, then it's harder for me to sort of grant clemency.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, now hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Within that, though, I think, is the solution, because at least three of those items you're going to bundle up in a blanket each and tie to a stick, like a bendel.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, Bendel. Bendel.

[Travis McElroy]

And you're gonna come in with those and the blankets. At that point, who even knows if they're blankets? Well, as long as I got them, I might as well use them. So then you're only bringing in four blankets, but we can go either further by taking one blanket into another blanket and bundling that one up. Oh, now you're only bringing in five things, and admittedly, five bindle sticks, which.

[Griffin McElroy]

Which is a lot. Anyone will tell you it's a lot of mini bindles.

[Justin McElroy]

You should also call ahead and say, how many blankets do you. Do you all have there? And they'll say, we have blankets. And you say, you did not hear me. That's not the question I asked.

[Travis McElroy]

So, recently, I was doing some online research, by which I mean reading the entire Wikipedia entry for Entourage.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, dear.

[Travis McElroy]

And I had some fascinating revelations that I would like to share with you boys in a segment called Trav Talks. Sorry, I have to. I have to get my mic.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, yeah, man. Oh, shit, Trav, you look so cool right now.

[Travis McElroy]

I have to get my microphone.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, Trav.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, Trav, wait. I'm super confused, Trav, because you put in your kick ass microphone and then you picked up the microphone off the table.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, the microphone I've just put on my ear isn't connected to anything.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

But it gives me a sense of gravitas that I need to present this important finding.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, man, you look gravitas as hell right now, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

Might as well call it travitas.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, dude, for sure.

[Travis McElroy]

Hello, Sacramento.

[Justin McElroy]

We've never stood. Can I put my feet on your chair? Or is that.

[Travis McElroy]

Can we have your chair?

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck yeah, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

My name is Travis McRoy and I am an Entourage scholar.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let's get it. Really Yucky juice.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, man. I've put a lot of work into the findings I'm excited to present to you today. And the Trav talk that I have titled. A Perfectly normal and reasonable Fan theory about Entourage regarding the creation of all things within the multiverse.

[Griffin McElroy]

Trav.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, I'm sure all of you are familiar with Entourage, a show that went.

[Griffin McElroy]

Off the air 50 years ago, but.

[Travis McElroy]

In case you are not, this is the cast of Entourage, the main characters. If we can go to the next slide, please. We have.

[Justin McElroy]

This show is called Canceled, guys, The TV show. A bunch of problematic dudes here.

[Travis McElroy]

Turtle.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, is that the Turtle that was.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Freaking your sandbox.

[Travis McElroy]

We have Turtle in the middle there is Vince. He's a movie star, and he's brought his boys with him as well as his agent, Ari. So you have Turtle, Ari, Vince, E, and Johnny Drama.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, we all know this.

[Griffin McElroy]

We know them.

[Justin McElroy]

We know them.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, what you might not know is that it's based on, if we can go to the next slide, the life of Mark Wahlberg and his real life friends.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right?

[Travis McElroy]

And at some point, there's differing stories, but the claim is one of them said, our lives are so interesting, we should make a TV show about it. So they created the fictionalized version of Mark Wahlberg's life in Entourage.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're telling everyone stuff. They already know me.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, then here's where the fan theory begins.

[Justin McElroy]

I would also say, by the way, the person in this group that thought that their lives were interesting enough to make a TV show about it, History has proven their interview. Right?

[Travis McElroy]

That's true.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

Then after the eight seasons of the show completed.

[Justin McElroy]

Sounds pretty interesting to me, Jiraf.

[Travis McElroy]

They made a movie about it.

[Justin McElroy]

Right.

[Travis McElroy]

At the end of that movie, the character Billy Walsh turns to our main characters and says, we should make like a TV show or a movie about your lives? Can we go to the next slide, please? So, okay, we can infer from this that the Mark Wahlberg universe led to the creation of the Vince universe, right? Which then would lead to the creation of a third sub universe.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, so tell me about this here. Travis, who are these guys? I'd love to meet them.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, this is the result of googling group of four white men.

[Griffin McElroy]

I noticed you've de pivoned the third generation.

[Justin McElroy]

A little streamlining, Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Throw down some of the weed.

[Justin McElroy]

Gen Z doesn't need a bunch of boomers hanging around.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Now, from this. Yeah, me and the other Entourage scholars have developed two theories. I'm going to start with the first one. This isn't the one I ascribe to, but if you could show the next slide, Paul. We have the turtle all the way down.

[Griffin McElroy]

Our second Turtle all the way down.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Unbelievable. Now, it would be foolish of us to believe that the Mark Wahlberg universe is the prime universe. We have no indication of that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, shit, Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

We are right now living within the multiverse of Entourage, that there was a universe above us that said, your lives are so interesting. We should make a TV show about it. Which was then Mark Wahlberg's life. And up and up and up. It's Turtle all the way down.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, I'm having an existential moment right now that I was not ready to wrangle on stage yet.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, I know, Griffin. It blew my mind as well. I've been asleep for a week and a half.

[Griffin McElroy]

Awake.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, my God. Anyways, but now we're gonna talk about the second theory, the one that I believe in. If we can go to the next slide.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, why did you come up with another one after that?

[Travis McElroy]

This is the Ari Boros theory.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Or there is always an entourage. There's always a show. There's always an Aquaman movie.

[Griffin McElroy]

Man, they actually made a fucking Aquaman movie.

[Travis McElroy]

They did. And a telling of the Great Gatsby directed by Martin Scorsese instead of Baz Luhrmann, which it was in our universe.

[Justin McElroy]

Holy shit, dude. Yes. Yeah, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

So in this theory, it is that it all feeds back constantly, and it is the power of the universes that retroactively created everything then.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, is the Entourage we all watched and fucking loved on TV like the Nexus of this?

[Travis McElroy]

No, no, no.

[Justin McElroy]

It's part of a continuum.

[Travis McElroy]

It's part of a continuum. It's all the Nexus. It's all not the Nexus.

[Justin McElroy]

So. But here is. This is the issue that I have with this theory, Travis, comp. The last one. Okay, the last one makes sense to me, because even if we cannot see an origin or an end point, we can assume logically that there is one, right?

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

With this theory, it is predicated on some sort of inciting action that started.

[Travis McElroy]

The momentum of the Justin. At some point, God and his friends said, our lives are so interesting. We should make a show about it.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

And it kicked off this whole cycle.

[Justin McElroy]

So your theory, the Ari Boros theory, has to exist within a monotheistic religious world. Holy shit.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait a minute. It doesn't have to be.

[Justin McElroy]

You said God singular. He said God, singular. It could have been Zeus.

[Travis McElroy]

It could have been any God we know. But this theory also would lead us to believe that even though the Mark Wahlberg universe led to the creation of the Vince universe, that because this is a cycle, eventually the existence of the TV show Entourage also leads to the existence of our universe.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's great stuff, Travis. I also love how you've accidentally created a very powerful depressive mantra. In a lifestyle is a terrible.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's the point? What's the point?

[Travis McElroy]

In a lifestyle, it's an endless loop of Entourage that we are all trapped in. Griffin. I think it speaks for itself.

[Justin McElroy]

The lifestyle. Is it terrible?

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you for joining me for tonight's Trav talk.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you so much, Travis. I learned so freaking much off of that one, dude. Normally, I don't feel like I learned anything.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I don't know why you had to say the second part.

[Justin McElroy]

Sorry, you're right.

[Travis McElroy]

Could have just stopped after I learned so much. But not your usual shit.

[Justin McElroy]

I've been backpacking more often, and here in California, I.A. we have black bears. If one gets too close, I was taught to yell hey, bear to scare it away. But you could yell anything at a bear. Hey, bear.

[Travis McElroy]

They don't speak English.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey bear has long been used because it's easy to remember. What are some other things I could yell at to scare. Scare a bear away. That's from bearing it in the bay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you still here? I hope.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Nice.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, can I just say, if I was a bear, that would have scared the shit out of me. Good job.

[Travis McElroy]

Is it possible that the reason hey Bear is so effective that in that moment, the thing that's scaring the bear is that they're like, oh, no, I've met this person before, and I can't remember them, but they know who I am.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, God.

[Travis McElroy]

God, it was so awkward. I need to leave.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or you've introduced it to a Level of self awareness that maybe it has never possessed in the wild of like, oh, shit, you're right. Dang, I'm a bear. That's so cool. I've never thought about it.

[Justin McElroy]

Are you something else other than a bear? I've never thought about that. You are smaller than I am, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

I gotta go away and think about this and watch some entourage.

[Justin McElroy]

So I do have to call into question the logic of we use hey, bear. Because it's easy to remember. Is the argument there that you'll be confronted with a bear and be like, oh, fuck. What? Oh, shit, I need to yell something. I gotta yell something. What is it? I'm made of, honey? Fuck. No. Fuck.

[Travis McElroy]

That's not what I should have yelled.

[Griffin McElroy]

It is not a wizard with a riddle for you.

[Travis McElroy]

How often have you been confronted by a bear that you can say that with such confidence?

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, there's one of the three of us who has been confronted by a bear on this stage tonight, and he is sitting on stage right, house left.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

And when that happened, I did not yell. I did. No, I didn't. I just walked briskly back to my car and drove away. Cool. I wouldn't yell anything.

[Travis McElroy]

What if you yelled, I'm a bigger bear. They're not stupid. Very scary.

[Justin McElroy]

No, they're not stupid, man. They'll get angry at you for that. They're not dumb.

[Griffin McElroy]

Did you make a conscious choice not to yell? Because you were like, I don't want to piss this thing off.

[Justin McElroy]

What? Yeah, I mean, yelling, like, in what? To what end? You know what I mean? Like, I guess I was scared, but I was more thinking like, I'm gonna leave before he notices me. You just do bear stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

I like that. In Griffin's mind, when Justin was confronted with a bear in real life, Justin was like, hmm. Better calmly think through my approach to this situation, guys.

[Justin McElroy]

Clearly, I am the same human being that had just gotten out of his car to see if that was indeed a bear.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

The logic was off the menu. I was just thinking and acting. No, just doing.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm saying bears can't yell.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

So you're doing something that they've never seen before. That's the power of yelling. If a big, huge alien showed up and you're like, what's that thing? And then it did some sort of telepathic scream, you'd be like, what the fuck was that?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. I would get branches in each hand and spin around as I scream. They'd be like, wow, that would be really something else.

[Travis McElroy]

You could scream and start juggling. A bear might have a heart attack.

[Griffin McElroy]

Pull out your phone and turn on any YouTube video.

[Justin McElroy]

Check this shit out, Bear. Pull out your phone and use it to predict the weather. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That bear's not gonna mess with you anymore. You can train the weather and show.

[Griffin McElroy]

It a picture of other sexy bears. That's right, Bear. Spare me.

[Travis McElroy]

I will provide you.

[Justin McElroy]

I was so awful.

[Griffin McElroy]

I will provide you with more earth sign pornography than your mind can.

[Justin McElroy]

This bear's name is Yogi, and he's free. And he's got a necktie and a hat. And you can be like Yogi, too.

[Travis McElroy]

But then the bear has to deal with the idea of, like, assimilating to human culture.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, sure.

[Travis McElroy]

And the bear's like, no, I am wild and free. I have no necktie, but I have my freedom, my family. That's what bears sound like, right?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes, something like that. Okay. I love my food spicy. At home, I can scove it up to my heart's content. That's okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I like that, actually.

[Justin McElroy]

Scove it up. But when I dine in at restaurants, though, I struggle to communicate the extent to which I want them to sell me their spiciest potions. Some places have. If you said, sell me your spiciest potions, I bet they'd want to hurt you pretty bad. Some places have a special safe word, like Thai hot. But even then, I usually have to do a round of confirming I know what I'm asking for. Is there a way I can deliver my order such that I don't have to justify my palate so often? That's from Bound by Buffalo Wild Desire. Are you here?

[Griffin McElroy]

Hell, yeah. The voice of a true spicy food enthusiast.

[Justin McElroy]

If there was anything. This is very contrary to my way of walking through the world, because if there was anything about me that was extreme to an extent where people had to be like, are you sure I would want to do that every time? Like, I would definitely want to go through the whole rigmarole of saying, no. I'm a super tough guy, like you've seen on tv.

[Griffin McElroy]

I thought you were saying you're on a different walk. Because if any of us eat food that's too spicy, our tummies just sort of crumble and disintegrate and we double over in pain instantaneously.

[Justin McElroy]

That is a huge issue for us genetically. That's true, Griffin.

[Travis McElroy]

I think that there is a level of description that you could make in your order, making it clear that, you know, it's a ridiculous choice to do this if you're like, I want these, like, what? I want this thing to be the stupidest hot. You've got like, the amount that you wouldn't safely give a person. And they're like, oh, okay, I can.

[Justin McElroy]

See the word that might. Okay. I said at first that would be fun. But, like, I think it might eventually get annoying because you feel like you're trying to, like, justify to people. Like, it's not a stunt, it's just how you like your food.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Super hot.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hold on, Wait, Is it kind of a stunt?

[Justin McElroy]

A little bit, yeah. God, I love our listeners.

[Travis McElroy]

One time, while at a Buffalo Wild Wings, they had a blazin hot wings challenge.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

And I was like, I think 20, 21 years old. And I was with my older brother.

[Griffin McElroy]

Who'S prime dipshit eating age.

[Travis McElroy]

I was with my older brother, whose respect I'm always chasing. And so I did the Blazin Hot wings challenge.

[Justin McElroy]

He's gonna get it someday, folks.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm sure working there. And I finished it.

[Justin McElroy]

I did it.

[Travis McElroy]

I achieved it. And while eating those hot wings, my toes went numb.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And everything hurt real bad.

[Griffin McElroy]

You were so sick.

[Travis McElroy]

And I think I did long lasting damage.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And I guess what I'm saying is if you're doing this to earn Justin's respect, it's not worth it.

[Justin McElroy]

It's not worth it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I sank a 30 foot cornhole shot while Angel Stadium fireworks went off next door. Justin gave me fucking nothing.

[Travis McElroy]

Nothing.

[Justin McElroy]

I want to keep him working for it. I'm worried if I give them my approval, they'll die.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let me hit you. Let me hit you with this. If you're a restaurant and you sell food that is traditionally pretty spicy, I think you should be allowed to have a special badge that you can give out to only your spiciest customers.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, that's good.

[Griffin McElroy]

And that way you show up to a place, you're like, give me. Give me a slopping, slopping tie. Hot, you say. And they say, what? And then you say, please, your hottest food. And they say, you can't handle that. You just show them your gym badges.

[Justin McElroy]

Check it out. This says, read the badge. It says, slopping hot.

[Griffin McElroy]

Slopping hot at Doug's Chicken Boneyard. God damn. He doesn't just hand those things out. My apologies, sir.

[Travis McElroy]

I do think so.

[Justin McElroy]

This is like medals for, like, service things that you've achieved, like merit service. Merit badges, they fill out as bars.

[Travis McElroy]

You know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

And if your rate gets high enough, Admiral Guy fieri will come to your house personally to decorate you.

[Justin McElroy]

And I think every bar should taste like the thing that you ate so you can prove to people like, oh, you don't think it's spicy? Lick the bar, Lick my bars, lick this bar. Tell me it's not a spicy bar lick. Tell me it's not spicy.

[Travis McElroy]

I do think though it would be knowing that you have this is almost like a, you could have a secret identity in that, you know, you're someone who can handle the heat of the food. But when you order the food, you're like, you know what? I'm going to try something different today.

[Justin McElroy]

No, let me get it.

[Travis McElroy]

The spiciest. You have it. And they're like, what? No way. And you're like, no.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. This seems like it would have opposite effect.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, but I think they said they.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don'T want to do what.

[Justin McElroy]

They don't want to do this.

[Travis McElroy]

But I think that what you're missing out on is that the server saying are you sure? Is a compliment. That the heat that you can, you can take it is unbelievable to them.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, has anybody ever taken it past your limit to where you said, oh, no, thank you. Okay, the way the tone was, that.

[Travis McElroy]

Was not the same.

[Griffin McElroy]

No. Someone has made it completely silent.

[Travis McElroy]

That wasn't a general audience.

[Griffin McElroy]

We don't need to put anyone on.

[Justin McElroy]

Blast by a round of applause.

[Travis McElroy]

Have you ever eaten some food that's too spicy?

[Justin McElroy]

Hey. Okay, has anybody ever eaten something that could have used more salt?

[Griffin McElroy]

All right, this is a weird segment.

[Justin McElroy]

Do y' all like ice cream? Okay, we got posters out in the lobby. Make sure you grab one of my fan ars. They're fantastic. Use the restroom. Sit. Buy one of these beautiful coins. All proceeds go to the Sacramento Food bank and family services.

[Griffin McElroy]

Send in your, send in your questions for the second half of the show. We'll put instructions on the screen on.

[Travis McElroy]

How to do that.

[Griffin McElroy]

And we'll be back in a little bit after intermission. Be right back.

[Justin McElroy]

Bye.

[Travis McElroy]

It's better. It's better. Luke.

Cats, despite being in human beings lives for hundreds, maybe thousands of years, we still know almost nothing about them. Where do they come from? Why are they like that? How do they do the things that they do? Literally no one knows. But the one thing that we do know about cats is, is that they love Smalls cat food. That's why we're so excited to have sponsoring us this week. Smalls cat food. Smalls cat food is protein packed recipes made with preservative free ingredients. You'd find in your fridge and it's delivered right to your door. That's why cats.com which is like the website that cats go to, named Smalls their best overall cat food. After switching to smalls, 88% of cat owners reported overall health improvements. And that's a big deal. If you love your pets the way that I love my pets, you know you want to do everything you can to keep them healthy, keep them happy and keep them going. And the team at Smalls is so confident your cat will love their product that you can try it risk free. That means they will refund you if your cat won't eat their food. But I don't think that will be a problem because it's delicious and nutritious. So for a limited time only, because you are my brother, my brother and me listener, you can get 60% off your first Smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com mybrother that's 60% off when you head over to smalls.coms m a l l s.com mybrother plus free shipping. Again, that's smalls.com mybrother also want to take a quick second to tell you about our upcoming shows and stuff. Next up, we're going to be in Atlanta and we're doing Taz versus Popeye, which is going to be absolutely silly and wild energy off the charts, probably some of the dumbest stuff we've ever done and you're not going to want to miss it. We're also going to be doing My Brother, My Brother and Me, and we'll be at Dragon Con coming up. We're going to also be in Texas, Utah and California. All Taz shows for the rest of the year will be Taz versus Tickets for all those shows are on sale now. More info and ticket links are available at Bit Ly McElroytours. We also have a bunch of new merch, so go check that out. McElroymerch.com and go to bit ly McElroytours for all the ticket links and information with our upcoming live shows. And now back to the show.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, it's John Moe from Depress Mode. Every week on our show, we have honest, humane conversations with artists, entertainers and experts about what it's like to live with an interesting mind. I just interviewed Gavin Rossdale from the band Bush. You might be wondering, what would a successful, handsome, popular musician know about mental health? Turns out lots.

[Justin McElroy]

All the time. We're like, we're forced into happy situations, sad situations, challenging Situations. Happy, sad, challenging. And it just never ends. And why should it? You know, we're just the sum of all these.

[Griffin McElroy]

Check out Depress Mode with John Moe every [e-mail] or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Justin McElroy]

Have you been looking for a new podcast all about nerdy pop culture? Well, I have just the thing for you. Secret Mysteries of Nerd Mysteries.

[Griffin McElroy]

Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries is a weekly pop culture history podcast hosted by.

[Justin McElroy]

Me host Austin and me host Brenda. We've already tackled mystery sub, such as what happened to the puppets from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? Is Snoopy Mexican? And why do people hate Barney so much?

[Griffin McElroy]

From theme parks to cartoons to 80s, 90s and 2000s nostalgia, we tackle it all.

[Justin McElroy]

Check us out Every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get podcasts.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gotta get up a little earlier to beat this fast ass.

[Justin McElroy]

I love it when you say that, Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

I say that shit all the time. I'm so fast in my life. For real.

[Justin McElroy]

Whoa.

[Travis McElroy]

Whoa.

[Justin McElroy]

This is so embarrassing when this happens during the podcast.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that was a shriek of terror, by the way, not a scream of excitement.

[Justin McElroy]

Haunted Doll Watch is here. It's happening now. These things are still out there on the electronic bay and they got ghosts inside of them and there's nothing you can do about it. And people are still out there selling them and ebay won't stop them, even though if they're my people are getting.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hurt because they can just make a new account pretty easy on ebay, no problem.

[Justin McElroy]

All right, let's get started. Paul, first up.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's awesome. Yeah, man, a double.

[Justin McElroy]

It's got a bonus.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's like how sometimes you buy a He man action figure and he would have a battle cat like with him.

[Travis McElroy]

But the second part of that. I know what all those words mean. Individually, yeah. But together created a strange word salad that I can't.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want to meet Lidelia so bad.

[Justin McElroy]

I want you to meet Lidelia. This is at the beginning of the listing.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck.

[Justin McElroy]

Whispers in the night no one in sight Secrets of the dead, no lies are said the shadows on the wall seek to tell us all the future be foretold to the living soul.

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Justin McElroy]

I don't know, it's just that part rhymes. So I assume.

[Travis McElroy]

Was that from the website? For a second I thought you had made it up after I said I thought so too.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're reading it off a Google document. But now I'm realizing you probably just copied the ebay copy to a Google document.

[Travis McElroy]

You weren't moved?

[Justin McElroy]

I Thought Justin, Travis and I both.

[Griffin McElroy]

Looked over at your computer and thought you wrote a little Gary Dahl song.

[Justin McElroy]

Paul, did you capture the part of the website that has that text? Okay, so. No, it's just on the website.

[Travis McElroy]

We believe him.

[Griffin McElroy]

Paul, you don't have to prove.

[Travis McElroy]

Paul. Actually, can you go back to the first image of the listing? Because I want to read.

[Justin McElroy]

Paul.

[Travis McElroy]

They're right.

[Justin McElroy]

I shouldn't have distracted you. Paul.

[Travis McElroy]

Hana Dolla. Delia appears with her ghost cat. Twigs.

[Justin McElroy]

See video. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Eyes move. Omg.

[Justin McElroy]

We're gonna get there, don't worry. Meet Lidelia. She's the most active spiritual porter we've ever had the pleasure of offering.

[Travis McElroy]

This also, this shot, though, makes it look like a still from a scene in a movie where a guy is remembering his dead wife. Yeah, she's like, oh, get the camera.

[Griffin McElroy]

Out of the way. There's a thousand yard stare happening there.

[Justin McElroy]

Lidelia was a young woman who lived in the 1700s. Her father was a filthy rich railroad tycoon.

[Travis McElroy]

Promise me we'll be together forever, Bill.

[Justin McElroy]

One of the most notable 1700s railroad tycoons. Her father was a filthy rich one.

[Travis McElroy]

And after his.

[Justin McElroy]

Which one? Laia inherited his entire fortune. Since she was his only child, she lived in a lavish gigantic mansion and wore clothing made from the finest materials available at the time.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, hold on. In the 1700s?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it's hemp.

[Travis McElroy]

And were there railroad tycoons in the 1700s?

[Justin McElroy]

Nah. But what can you do? La Dalia was extreme.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm not a history expert.

[Justin McElroy]

I mentioned that earlier.

[Travis McElroy]

Quite serious, Travis. No.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

She was born in 1799, and then.

[Justin McElroy]

Right.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna get into railroad.

[Justin McElroy]

Lidelia was extremely beautiful, but someone aloof. She fell above most of the men who begged for her hand in marriage.

[Travis McElroy]

That's an aloof stare right there. I see it. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

That is, until she met Zane.

[Griffin McElroy]

Billy Zane.

[Justin McElroy]

Zane was not rich, but he made up for it in his looks. He was drop dead gorgeous with wavy black hair and blue eyes. The woman in the small town swooned over him and dreamed of having him for a husband. But he only loved one girl. Lidelia.

[Travis McElroy]

I. I could.

[Justin McElroy]

That's me.

[Griffin McElroy]

You could strain angel hair pasta with those eyelashes, man.

[Justin McElroy]

They courted for a very short time until he asked her to marry him. She pretended to, quote, have to think about it, but she was dying to say yes. How do you know this story? Did Ladelia tell you this? Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Is it word for word from her mouth? I tended to have to think about it.

[Justin McElroy]

I know coquettish Zane left the next day after the proposal to travel to another town for work. On the way back, his carriage left the road. He struck a tree, went into a deep gorge, and was killed instantly. Upon hearing the news of her beloved Zane, Lidelia took her own life by hanging herself from a lavish balcony adorned in gold. And her fortune went to. You guessed it, her cat Twigs.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh.

Hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

Lidelia dwells in.

[Travis McElroy]

And they really include a picture of a cat.

[Justin McElroy]

A cat.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's so cool that this 1700s tease had a cat that is also now featured in stock images all across the Internet.

[Justin McElroy]

That was.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I tell you, I have lived my life making a number of choices that lead me to believe that if there was a story of a young woman dying and leaving a huge fortune to a cat, I would know about it already.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

There would have been a Disney Channel original movie on this subject.

[Justin McElroy]

Right. Lidelia's eyes sparkle with a spiritual wisdom and her facial expressions change. Orbs can be seen around her often.

[Griffin McElroy]

She's always fucking orbs, man.

[Travis McElroy]

They never do cubes or something.

[Griffin McElroy]

Check out my cones.

[Justin McElroy]

She often moves things frequently, but is primarily a helping spirit. Her cat Twigs often manifest with her. He is a large orange cat. You may hear him meowing at times. It's so fucked. It'll be like every once in a while there's a slight glimmer of light and maybe a ghost cat not pictured. It's like such a huge disparity between the two.

[Travis McElroy]

Also, does the cat manifest at regular cat size while she's doll sized? Because that's gotta freak her bean out real hard.

[Justin McElroy]

Paul, can we see?

[Travis McElroy]

He's the size of a jungle cat.

[Justin McElroy]

Now, Paul, I'd love to if we could watch the video. And this is. We've never done this on Haunted All. Watch and have video confirmed evidence of haunted dolls. Here we go.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

No, I think that.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. I mean, it's just like this one's haunted. So I don't know what you guys. You were.

[Travis McElroy]

Sorry, can I just say.

[Justin McElroy]

You. Can I just say, guys, you were pretty brave when you were laughing about it a second ago.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't know why that.

[Justin McElroy]

Now that you see that it is indeed haunted, as you were promised.

[Travis McElroy]

The trailer for Megan 2.0 makes it look way less interesting than the first one. Yeah, Paul, why did.

[Justin McElroy]

Why.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why did you think we needed to see fucking real life Garfield again?

[Travis McElroy]

You guys talking shit about Lidelia?

[Justin McElroy]

Let's meet our next incredible haunted doll. Heather is that rare doll that wanted to have it all let's meet her.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm so excited for this Ally McBeal reboot. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, dude.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's she got there? Oh, she has her own spectrometer. That's rad, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, listen, I rarely include the ones with death stories unless they're pretty funny. Heather is the positive spirit of a 16 year old girl. Her lifespan was from 1999 to 2015.

[Griffin McElroy]

Holy way.

[Justin McElroy]

When I asked how she died, she said, quote, I ate peanuts by mistake. They were in ramen noodles. Hey, I hope she doesn't blame herself because that's not her fault. She said she was at a restaurant where she ate them.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's so insane for them to conjure a new ghost. It's so fucked up in here.

[Travis McElroy]

And show them in that outfit. Imagine being a secret 16 year old girl who died in 2015. And then you wake up an adult and you're wearing that shit.

[Griffin McElroy]

No way, man.

[Travis McElroy]

You can change my clothes, right, Barbara? Right? Put me in some jeans.

[Justin McElroy]

Heather inhabited this vessel in 2015. That's the year she died. So it's good to know she didn't spend a year just like spinning around the globe.

[Travis McElroy]

I was just ghost backpacking around Europe. I took a gap year.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Heather lived in Arkansas with her mom and dad. She had an older sister named Haley who was 17 years old. They had a dog named Victor. Heather said they were really close family and a happy household. Heather was a sophomore in high school. She liked school and her favorite subject was, quote, science. I asked Heather what she like her future family to know about her. She replied, quote, I am really good at reading people's mannerisms. I am really good at taking bar exam questions. I asked if she wanted to be a lawyer and she said yes. I studied pre law on my own. She also said I am good at poker.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, can I just say, how fucking incredible would it be? You show up to your friend's weekly poker game, you pull Heather out, you sit her on the table, she's facing everybody. You've worked out a system with her if she makes you in. But also, you're taking the bar exam at the same time, right?

[Griffin McElroy]

If she makes two orbs, it means you can raise three orbs means fold.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I also, I would like to point out that if this spirit died in 2015.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

The idea of asking her, what would you like your future family to know?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And not that's us. What would you like me to tell your current existing family?

[Justin McElroy]

That's a good point. We could pass along as long as we're passing along a message. It's together.

[Griffin McElroy]

You want to tell them what? Cool, cool, cool. Anyway, I'm going to sell you on ebay now.

[Justin McElroy]

Heather's favorites. Here's some of her favorites. Favorite hobby? I like reading p. Law books. Favorite food? Apples. Favorite scent.

[Griffin McElroy]

What if it was peanuts?

[Travis McElroy]

I know. Bitter irony, huh?

[Griffin McElroy]

Can't fucking help.

[Justin McElroy]

Favorite food? Apples. Favorite scent? Apples. What about pretty law books? She gets so hungry, she's like, ooh, apples. I smell them and now I'm going to eat them. Her favorite color is red. Favorite animal's? Tiger.

[Travis McElroy]

That's her hair.

[Justin McElroy]

She would prefer to sleep in her owner's bedroom at night, but not in the bed. I asked what she'd like to do in her new home, and her reply was, I want to read pre law books. She says she's happy reading off the computer if there are no books available.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I just say, Heather, I have bad news for you. You're dead. So worrying about pre anything is kind of unimportant. Yeah, yeah. You're not gonna get to law unless.

[Justin McElroy]

Unless.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, shit.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, there isn't.

[Travis McElroy]

No. A poker playing, ghost lawyer.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, please. I'd watch that.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm Tracy, by the way, a seasoned paranormal investigator, a clairvoyant, and an empath. I recently started collecting haunted dolls. It makes you wonder what she was doing before she started doing that, doesn't it? It's such a weird thing that she loves doll ghosts but didn't dip into collecting them until just recently. This led me to begin collecting haunted dolls and objects, taking them home to investigate and then adopting them out. Okay, let's move on. Can we talk about our last doll? Paul? Paul, the last doll. Paul. Paul doll. Paul the doll.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, shit.

[Travis McElroy]

Huh.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know if we want to fuck with possessed. Demonic aggressive. Video of scratches. Paranormal man.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, well, if you think I like that.

[Travis McElroy]

They put paranormal at the end of that list. Yeah, as if it's like, hey, in case it wasn't clear, this is a normal isn't normal.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is a normal demonic, possessed, aggressive.

[Justin McElroy]

Are you Right? You think you don't want him now. But wait, you fix your eyes on this bad boy. Oh.

[Travis McElroy]

It'S.

[Justin McElroy]

It's.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's Kai Yousefer.

[Travis McElroy]

Excellent.

[F]

Thanks.

[Justin McElroy]

Excellent.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm very tickled by the price because it is $56.66. So they wanted to get 666 in there, but also $50.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, Travis, if you can see, it's 15% off. It used to be 66.66. The number. Number of the Turbo Beasts. Satan's dad.

[Justin McElroy]

More four payments on Klarna. Let's.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, no. You drove a little too far. Hell is 666. This is Doug's house. It's 6666 easy.

[Justin McElroy]

Meyer chickened out. I'm eager to sell him, so please make a reasonable offer and it will be accepted and shipped asap.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's no sense of scale to this image. He could be seven and a half feet tall.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello? Listing.

[Travis McElroy]

It's giving me such strong. You just knocked on his door and he's like, I told you, I'm busy.

[Justin McElroy]

I just. Is the fiction of it that they saw this happen? Like, is that the fiction? Okay, the listing has been updated with a video.

[Griffin McElroy]

Look at those big fucking feet.

[Justin McElroy]

I like him.

[Travis McElroy]

It's got pinchable cheeks and a powerful crucifix.

[Justin McElroy]

Both. But at the moment a photo was uploaded that containing both those feet across. It should have been taken down by bots or something. Listing updated with video after my husband was scratched.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a spot he cannot reach.

[Travis McElroy]

He what?

[Justin McElroy]

He files down his nails to nothing. And no, we do not have any cats or dogs at the moment.

[Griffin McElroy]

It could only have been Kenny.

[Justin McElroy]

Now, I don't have the video because, like, you don't need that. But, like, is there. Do you have the still image?

[Travis McElroy]

A video of him? His scratch?

[Justin McElroy]

What? It's like that? No, it's her. Like, she filmed the video and she's like, see? See? Yeah, yeah, that's plenty.

[Travis McElroy]

And I just say, but there's no.

[Griffin McElroy]

Way he could have reached that himself.

[Justin McElroy]

Couldn't reach that spot. They don't have any cats or dogs at the moment.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, that's the most powerful.

[Griffin McElroy]

Make that go away, please, Paul. Thank you so much.

[Travis McElroy]

That should go in a hall of fame of excuses husbands give to cover up infidelity.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

How'd you get these scratches on your back?

[Griffin McElroy]

Damn.

[Travis McElroy]

The haunted doll did it. Now, that's right. I know that I was out of town over the weekend when. But it was the doll, honey.

[Justin McElroy]

I would like to remind you guys that to this point, I've not established the name of the doll.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah. No, I took a guess at it.

[Justin McElroy]

Paul is not to be trusted. He is portraying himself as a man, but he is a demon. He inflicts scratches on the skin, infiltrates.

[Travis McElroy]

And puts lipstick stains on my husband's collars.

[Justin McElroy]

He infiltrates your sleep to cause you to have nightmares of your biggest fears. And then he drops the temperature in the room. What Are we looking at. It's a scientific document, Griffin.

[Travis McElroy]

What's the diagram are the lines? These were his ghosts.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, listen. Listen to him again. Every, every time you are presented with actual evidence, concrete facts like this, you get all freaked out. Like this is science.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, shit.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, wait, I'm reading. The person who wrote this and put this listing up for sale was the predator. So this makes. This makes it time.

[Travis McElroy]

Are you telling me that this doll produces body heat?

[Justin McElroy]

Sucks, man. He inflicts scratches on the skin, infiltrates your sleep.

[Travis McElroy]

What'd you fucking say?

[Justin McElroy]

To infiltrate your sleep. To cause you to have nightmares of your biggest fears. And drops the temperature in the room dramatically when he was present. A passing scent of sulfur is not uncommon as well.

[Travis McElroy]

He farts all over the place, this dude. Ripping rotten egg toots left and right. Please Cross is there to keep him contained.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want to be here for this photo shoot. You know, the photographer at some point had to be like, damn, Paul, we got enough pictures of you with the cross. Nah, man, trust me, keep going.

[Travis McElroy]

Are my feet in it? That's what the people want to see. Your feet are in it, Paul.

[Justin McElroy]

Promise me your feet. Okay. Please use cost, Scamp. Please use cost around him and do not provoke him. Unless you are an extra experienced paranormal enthusiast who knows how to protect themselves.

[Griffin McElroy]

At this point, I think that does describe us.

[Justin McElroy]

That's true. So thank you. That's your haunted doll watch for this evening. Thank you very much.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right, folks, we are going to call some people down to the microphone. You've been kind enough to send us your questions. We will call you down by your name and see number.

[Travis McElroy]

The microphone is right here.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi.

[F]

Hi, my name is John K. Pronoun. See him?

[Travis McElroy]

Hi, John.

[Justin McElroy]

John.

[F]

I'm a health inspector for a living. People hate seeing me coming. They get nervous, they get sad. How could I lighten the mood?

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, I just want to be clear. If I am eating at the restaurant, I get very excited to see you coming. I say, woo hoo. Do it. Get him, John. Get him. That's my hero, John.

[Travis McElroy]

Hard ass.

[Justin McElroy]

He's gonna get back there and get him bad. Get him. Protect me, John.

[Travis McElroy]

Wouldn't you rather see him before you start eating at the restaurant? You've just sat down and then the server's like, what do you want to eat? You're like, I'm going to wait till John's done.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I want to. I want him to catch him in the act. I want him to come out. Be like, justin, stop. Don't.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, you Want that, like, Gordon Ramsay moment of, like, shut it down. Shut it down. We can't eat this. Shut it down. Throw that away. This is garbage.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can I ask John, this must be an immensely uncomfortable position that you have put yourself into. What kind of heat are you usually bringing when someone sees you coming and is clearly in a panic because they live a messy life stuff?

[F]

I'm a very talkative person, so I try to talk them through it as if it's like a surgery or a test. And so I pretend.

[Griffin McElroy]

Pretend. Are you comfortable with role playing? And we're three chefs and we own a restaurant, and you've just walked in and obviously it's a big spaghetti.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I actually be head of hospitality and, like, I'm checking people in. I don't want to be a chef. I don't think I could handle that kind of pressure. I think it would bring out the worst in me. All right. I'd rather handle more.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'll be Debert, and just. You can be.

[Justin McElroy]

I wanted to be the district manager, so I'm more at the home office overseeing stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

Are you present during the inspection? Okay, he's not there.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right, we're ready. He's the lead concierge. I'm Debert, and just as a businessman. Okay, go ahead.

[F]

So, hi, my name is John. I'm going to be inspecting your facility today. As a reminder, this is just a sampling exercise. I'm only gonna see a portion of your cousin.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, hey.

[Travis McElroy]

Don't talk to John like that, Cousin.

[Justin McElroy]

Bang.

[Travis McElroy]

Nah, he's here to help us. Sorry, John. Go on.

[F]

It's fine. It's fine. I understand. This can be very stressful.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, you seem nervous. What's the matter, John?

[Travis McElroy]

He's nervous Cause you yelled at him.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's me, Da Bear. I'm popping out of this child's Halloween costume.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, we're gonna have to call our district manager.

[Justin McElroy]

John. Yeah, six. Tell him 60 shares. Stop breaking my balls.

[Travis McElroy]

Hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, this is a business office.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, John's here, and we're trying to.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, we're fucked. Yeah, man, we're fucked. Not John.

[Travis McElroy]

Fucked. We're trying to distract him by dealing with the business.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, listen. Ask.

[Travis McElroy]

Shh.

[Justin McElroy]

Ask him if any. Is he looking at you right now? Yeah. Ask if anybody knows where he is. Does anybody else know he's here?

[Travis McElroy]

Just ask anyone that'll miss you.

[Justin McElroy]

Not like that. Fuck. Nah, you gotta be sleeping. Stop it. God damn it, Guys.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, there's a special on the menu. It says, John Steak.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, Travis, I'm legally giving you ownership of the restaurant. I am no longer legally affiliated with it from this point forward.

[Griffin McElroy]

You guys don't even.

[Travis McElroy]

John, we got him. Here's your finders feed, John. Thanks for helping us.

[Griffin McElroy]

John, is there a way where you can do your job without them knowing you've been there doing it?

[F]

No, there's no.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, no, it would have to be some Pink Panther level hijinks, I think.

[Travis McElroy]

Is that illegal? Is there, like, health inspector entrapment kind of deal?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I have to.

[F]

I have to tell them everything's confidential. So if I show up and just start taking notes without them knowing, it's gonna, like, violate some confidentiality?

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, no, you would have, like, a.

[Travis McElroy]

Can you tell us some of the stuff you've seen at these confidential inspections?

[Griffin McElroy]

You would come in with, like, a hat box with a camera in it or some.

[Travis McElroy]

Some shit and a big mustache. That's not part of the surveillance.

[Justin McElroy]

It would just be fun. When you mention stuff to people, John, do they. When you mention stuff to people, do they have to, like, fight the urge to try to fix it right then?

[F]

Oh, they do all the time. They fix. Try to fix it right. Then they show.

[Justin McElroy]

No, I already saw it. It's in my little notebook.

[Griffin McElroy]

They're like, no, can I. Can you take it off?

[F]

I already fixed it. And I was like, it was here when I got here.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Have you.

[Griffin McElroy]

And John, you haven't said your full last name, so you still have plausible deniability. I do just want to remind you of that, but have you ever granted clemency to a ratatouille? Have you ever.

[Travis McElroy]

You cracked down on ratatouille?

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, John said no immediately, which means every ratatouille that you detect, you catch and kill by sundown.

[Travis McElroy]

How many ratatouilles have you murdered?

[Justin McElroy]

John kills ratatouille.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hold on. Okay, now I can see John's wearing a cape made of ratatouille pelts.

[Justin McElroy]

He's got a T shirt that says rat. A tat. Tatooey. And it's got pictures of guns on it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesus.

[Justin McElroy]

There's seven. Seven guns on this shirt, John. Does that help?

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you for keeping us safe, John.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you, John. Thank you for your heroic service. Hello, my friend.

Hello. Hi, my name is Gretchen.

[Travis McElroy]

Hi, Gretchen.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi. Right now I'm house sitting for a family, and one of the daughters has let me borrow her car while I'm house sitting.

Cool.

Which is great because my car is at the mechanic right now.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

But the problem is that she has a student driver Sticker on the back of her car, the left side of her car and the right side of her car.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

So she's really bad at it, huh?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, a lot of vectors of badness in the dream.

[Justin McElroy]

And like, I don't want people to think I'm a student driver.

Is she a student driver?

I think she's just really bad at it. I think it's been a few years.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are we all students of driving? Of driving.

[Justin McElroy]

I actually, when I read this question, I started thinking, like, I think I could sign up for the luxury of having everyone on the road just assuming I'm gonna fuck up no matter what. You do. You have 100% Clemens. I would love everyone to lower their expectations of me while I see so.

[Travis McElroy]

Many people nodding right now.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, dude. If you could get a student driver bumper sticker and a baby on board bumper sticker.

[Justin McElroy]

If I could be a. If I could get a student liver T shirt. Like, I just, I'm a student at.

[Travis McElroy]

This whole thing, the whole business. I think we should start selling car decals that say grad student driver. Yeah, because I think that whatever action you take on the road, if someone sees that on the side of your car, it's gonna distract them long enough where they're like, what does that mean? And then you're gone. You're a ghost in the night.

[Justin McElroy]

What if you got a badge when you first got your license? That's like, great driver. And if you fuck up one time, you lose it. And so if you're driving around and someone sees it, they're like, I guess it was my fault. Yeah, that person's never fucked up. They're always right.

[Griffin McElroy]

They're like, show me your badge. And you show them and they're like, this says, you ate the spiciest buffalo wings at Cran's Chicken Palace.

[Travis McElroy]

But you know what? I respect that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why? Why, may I ask, Gretchen? Why do you not want to be mistaken as a student driver?

[Justin McElroy]

I think I'm a really good driver.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, thank you. I'm glad that this came up because do you think there are maneuvers that you could execute where they'd be like, that's no student driver. Yeah, a student driver couldn't do that.

[Griffin McElroy]

The car says they're a student driver, but they're driving backwards tenant style.

[Travis McElroy]

They somehow pulled off a one point turn. How they do that? That car just bounced over traffic like it was Inspector Gadget's car.

[Justin McElroy]

Holy.

I just like, don't want people to be worried when they see me doing, like, doing my driving.

Right.

[Travis McElroy]

Doing your thing.

[Justin McElroy]

You don't want them to get all judgmental.

[Travis McElroy]

If you go in for a funky three point turn that they don't agree.

[Justin McElroy]

With, it's like, yeah, we've all been out here a while. All right.

[Travis McElroy]

I've earned the right. Oh, get like a mortarboard hat and then every time someone makes eye contact with you, take it off and throw it up in the air.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And they're like, oh no, they graduated just now.

[Griffin McElroy]

Those are old bumper stickers. Does that help, Gretchen?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

Cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much. Brothers, Brothers, brothers.

[F]

I have a question for you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Hey, what's your name?

[F]

My name is Jesse. I go by He Day.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

So is Rob. Was that an indicator of your seat number? I dropped my phone. Oh, okay.

[Travis McElroy]

He dropped your phone on Rob.

[Griffin McElroy]

Didn't correct it on Rob. Awesome, man.

[Travis McElroy]

Cool. Can you angle the microphone up just a little bit? A little bit.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's your question? So I work with ethical hackers and the marketing minds that all of you are can help us. Because right now we only have one slogan.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm in.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm in is pretty good. Is the slogan for ethical hacking is I'm in. Is I'm in. Okay, cool. We're hacking in general, I feel like, but we're, we're looking for a new one.

[F]

Can you please help us come up with the new.

[Griffin McElroy]

I have compromised the system.

[Travis McElroy]

Aha. Yeah, I consensually in.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesse, I appreciate the narrative layer you've applied to, to this question. As if you're going to walk from this theater and get on the boards and be like, don't worry guys, don't worry. Cyber surfers.

[Travis McElroy]

We got a new catchphrase hot off the presses.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's up, console cowboys? We got some new shit from the McElroy boys.

[Travis McElroy]

Everybody fucking plug in. We've got the new cyber juice or whatever you guys use rizz of your decks Cosmic.

[Justin McElroy]

We got a new dispatch.

[Griffin McElroy]

We got a new brain dance from the Macal Freaks. Supreme Neuro Jockeys have got a. Jesse, have you ever. And please answer honestly. Have you ever unironically done a cool hack and then said reflexively I'm in. And then thought like, wow, I really.

[Justin McElroy]

I really did it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I really said it. Yeah, yeah. I appreciate the honesty and the thought.

[Justin McElroy]

I think maybe we're in. Cause that shows a little bit more of a collective spirit.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, that's good.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm in. But you guys can come over, look at my screen, or push whatever buttons you want. Like we're all in together.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Google the Matrix screenplay and just any line that you want from it.

[Travis McElroy]

So instead of like, not like this, you say, oh, oh, yeah. Like that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like this.

[Travis McElroy]

They never follow that up. Not like this. Like that. What if you just yelled yahtzee?

[Justin McElroy]

Yahtzee is good.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I try it? Is that, like a cool hacker thing to do? Yahtzee.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can I try it out right now?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yahtzee. Nope.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. What about. What about the quarterback is toast?

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, my God. The quarterback is toast. Is very powerful, very strong. I mean, can you try. Can you, like, say Bazinga, but be, like, cute and embarrassed about it Like. Like, under your breath? Fuck, no, I don't want to make that.

[Justin McElroy]

What about.

[Travis McElroy]

What about I respect myself? Just something that shows not only are you in, but it's unlocked something within yourself that you've learned about yourself in that day where you just say, I am capable and good enough.

[Griffin McElroy]

Am I saying all these now? Yeah, yeah. You got to. It's a mouthful maybe.

[Justin McElroy]

Like, and the keyboard wasn't even plugged in.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh.

[Justin McElroy]

And it turns out it wasn't.

[Griffin McElroy]

What if you say yummy? And also every time you sit down to hack, you tuck a little bib in and you set out some silverware, and then you hack. And then people are like, you eat your keyboard, and you eat your keyboard and they're like, that's Jesse. They eat the data.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Maybe you could get into tagging, Jesse. So after you do the hack, you can tag your computer with spray paint and just show them who's boss.

[Travis McElroy]

I think you're missing a step here, Jesse, where you need to come up with a cool hacker Persona that then you have a catchphrase related to your cool hacker Persona.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can I suggest Jesse Rob because it has a sort of futuristic aesthetic to it. Yeah, it's two names. But, I mean, the robbing aspect of it might not.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, here you go, Jesse Rob. What you're gonna do is you're gonna start styling yourself like an old timey, like, cowboy bank robber. Or you're like, robbing a train.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool.

[Travis McElroy]

And you're gonna have, like, bandana over your face, big hat and everything. And then as you get in, you say, in your bedroom. Yeah, in your bedroom. And as you get in, you're gonna say, this is a stick up.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, this is a stick up. But it's ethical hacking, Travis.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, do you say that before you start hacking? Cause you're writing a pretty big check at that point.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, with my thing, we've been Stuck.

[Griffin McElroy]

Up with my thing. You tuck the bib in and you put the silverware out. And then if you don't do the hack, you can discreetly pick up the silverware and untuck your bib and like not make a big deal out of it. Yours is writing an awfully big check. You don't have to say yummy if you don't get in.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh no. If you don't get in, you go, ooh, yucky.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you do this around other people? No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Then why the fuck do you need a catchphrase for? Wait.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Jesse, sit down. Sit down, Jesse.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you finish hacking and then say, somebody hop on a discord call with me real quick.

[Justin McElroy]

I gotta bust one out.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, shit. Hold on. Jesse's calling. We're in the middle of a date. Is it important? I mean, no, but Jesse, really. Hold on. Beep. Yummy. Good job, Jesse.

[Travis McElroy]

Does that help?

[F]

Jesse?

[Griffin McElroy]

Rob, that helps. Thank you so much.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you. You can lower the lights if you don't.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, take the lights back down. Make them disappear.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you so much for joining us us for this evening Sacramento. We hope you've enjoyed yourself very very much and it was worth your time.

[Griffin McElroy]

We have had an amazing time. Thank you so much for for coming.

[Travis McElroy]

Let's hear it for the the beautiful posters designed by Fade Arts. Look at those babies. We love them.

[Griffin McElroy]

We signed a bunch of them. They may still be out there. Thank you to the Safe Credit Union Performing Arts Center.

[Justin McElroy]

Everybody's been so nice and it's a beautiful place.

[Griffin McElroy]

Amazing. And thank you to Paul Sabor and of course, God rest his soul, his memorial Can Food Drive Challenge coin is still for sale out there. You can buy one and all the proceeds go to Sacramento Food bank and Family Services. Thank you to Montaigne for these red theme song My life is better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

Woo. A banger.

[Griffin McElroy]

Check out It's Hard to be a Fish. Montaigne's new album. It's fucking great. I can't stop listening to it.

[Travis McElroy]

And let's hear for Amanda and Rachel. We couldn't do tours or shows the without them. Thank you so much.

[Justin McElroy]

Now Travis, this is 20 Thunder Drive.

[Travis McElroy]

So you.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you have a.

[Travis McElroy]

This year I will be faster than my fear that a microscopic magic school bus could be inside my body at any given moment.

[Justin McElroy]

My name's Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm Travis McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

My brother. My brother.

[Justin McElroy]

Be kiss your dad. Square the lamps.

[Travis McElroy]

You. It's better. It's better with you. My life it's better. It's better with you. Is it true? It's better. It's better with you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Maximum Fun A worker owned network of artist owned shows supported directly by you.