MBMBaM 777: Preparation Hoops

Summary

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Episode Overview

Podcast: My Brother, My Brother and Me
Episode: 777 – "Preparation Hoops"
Hosts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy
Original Release: August 25, 2025
Main Theme: The McElroy brothers celebrate their "lucky" 777th episode with their distinctive blend of freewheeling life advice, personal stories (including one very graphic hemorrhoid update), oddball observational humor, and listener questions. This episode stands out for its deep dive into the numerology of sevens, a much-discussed bit about preparation H, the eternal parmesan dilemma, and a critique of cereal-flavored lattes and Dunkin' Donuts' accidentally risqué ad campaigns.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The "777" Milestone & Numerology Bits (01:27–04:20)

• The brothers riff about hitting episode 777, noting the "lucky jackpot" connotations and joking about podcast “numerology.”
• Travis suggests they could do a "more professional" episode in honor of the milestone. Griffin nixes the idea, noting that their impulse for irreverence is unkillable.
• They reminisce about previous episodes connected to the number seven, playfully digging through their podcast history.

Quote:
"We’re about to… You hit the jackpot on this episode. 777, it your lucky day, pal."
—Griffin (01:27)

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2. The Hemorrhoid Suppository Saga (04:23–13:42)

• Justin shares a graphic, hilarious story about his struggle with hemorrhoid suppositories, including his embarrassment over the video team clipping and posting his prior mishaps online.
• He describes the physical and emotional journey: accidentally “vagaling” by inserting the suppository standing up, passing out on the bathroom floor, and summoning his doctor-wife, Sydney, via intercom.

Memorable Moments:

• Justin introducing the term “heroroid” and “vagaling” (a bodily reaction causing fainting when stimulating the vagus nerve).
• The team imagines a Preparation H brand deal: “Preparation Hoops.”
• Extended banter about the shape and experience of suppositories, and acceptance that sometimes the podcast is just “content at any cost.”

Quote:
"When Sydney comes to the bathroom, she finds me, Justin McIlroy, with my pants around my ankles, laying on the floor, sweating as though I've just been drenched in a bucket of mop water."
—Justin (09:16)

Quote:
"I could have lifted a fucking truck, guys. I was invulnerable that day, dude. I was right. Do you know how rarely Sydney messes up? It's like never."
—Justin (13:09)

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3. Career Advice: The Great Microwave Mishap (15:45–22:49)

• Listener writes in about prying open (and breaking) a brand new work microwave with a pocketknife, then passively blaming the night shift.
• The brothers riff on new job panic, passive voice in workplace confessions, and the horrors of confusingly over-featured microwaves.
• Justin launches a passionate critique of microwave design and the pointlessness of the popcorn button.

Quote:
"Microwaves are designed by maniacs for no one. ... The fact that these fucking things all have a popcorn button and everyone universally knows—don’t press that."
—Justin (18:55)

• Advice: Next time, don't use a knife—investigate calmly and avoid leveraging!

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4. Parmesan Problems: How Much Is Too Much? (23:40–30:46)

• Listener asks how to politely request “ungodly” amounts of Parmesan at Italian restaurants without feeling shame or making the server uncomfortable.
• Travis suggests a “cheesing fee,” or letting the diner do the grinding. Other ideas include bringing your own cheese, having a 401k-style cheese matching, or taking photos of ideal portions for future reference.
• The brothers joke about Italian restaurants, "cheesing" as a side, and question the awkwardness of overly earnest requests and pre-tipping.

Quote:
"The waiter is asking, what’s your limit for discomfort in taking my cheese?"
—Justin (24:49)

• Broader point: There's a societal dance of not wanting to seem “greedy,” but also loving cheese.

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5. Dunkin’ Discourse: Risqué Ads and Cereal Milk Lattes (37:24–47:15)

• The brothers dissect a Dunkin' Donuts ad featuring Sabrina Carpenter, with a joke-laden, detailed analysis of accidental sexual innuendo (“Did you creamy cold foam and strawberry bliss?”).
• They marvel at the ad’s rapid progression from innocent to “busting” (orgasmic implication) and how it got through corporate.
• Justin expresses genuine excitement for cereal milk lattes, while also critiquing the press release's overwrought marketing language and the idea of “destroying real cereal” for milk flavor.

Quote:
"This is your childhood… you can get back… get back to a simpler time."
—Travis, mocking Dunkin’s ad copy (43:45)

• They discuss the ambiguity of "real cereal" in the product, express concern for what kind of cereal is used, and joke about “cereal erasure.”

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6. Complimenting a Strangers’ Bo Staff Moves (48:05–56:44)

• Listener describes seeing someone gracefully twirling a staff on campus and unsure whether complimenting (“sick moves”) would seem sincere or mocking.
• The brothers discuss “power imbalance” of shouting things from a car (always bad), the geometry of passing compliments on foot, and whether context makes a difference.
• Travis and Griffin agree that “Hell yeah!” is a near-universal, nonjudgmental compliment—but caution about not seeming too familiar or inviting further interaction.
• Extended riff on how some feats are meant to be witnessed: “No one brings their BO staff out hoping not to be noticed.”

Quote:
"I don’t think you could take ‘hell yeah’ as insincere.”
—Travis (52:27)

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7. Mini-Topics, Quips, and Notable Silliness

• Travis introduces his new kitten, Jasmine, segueing into a native ad for Smalls cat food (31:06).
• Banter about summer bucket lists—Griffin’s involving learning to swim, kissing, and surviving junkyard dogs—with a Factor meal ad nested in the bit (33:03).
• Short mock-review of Italian restaurants that allow for custom cheese/corking fees, and “401k cheese matching programs.”
• Reference to Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen’s lightsaber skills and how time “elevates” the reputation of the prequel Star Wars films (49:47).

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Notable Quotes

• Justin (09:16):
  "When Sydney comes to the bathroom, she finds me, Justin McIlroy, with my pants around my ankles, laying on the floor, sweating as though I've just been drenched in a bucket of mop water."

• Justin (18:55):
  "Microwaves are designed by maniacs for no one."

• Justin (24:49):
  "The waiter is asking, what's your limit for discomfort in taking my cheese?"

• Travis (52:27):
  "Hell yeah. I don’t think you could take ‘hell yeah’ as insincere."

• Travis (41:44):
  "There was almost certainly a version [of the ad] that contained, let's say, more explicit sounds. And they're like, we... we can't."

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Numerology/"777" bit: 01:27–04:20
• Hemorrhoid/Preparation H saga: 04:23–13:42
• Microwave mishap advice: 15:45–22:49
• The parmesan quandary: 23:40–30:46
• Dunkin’ ad & cereal milk latte: 37:24–47:15
• Complimenting bo staff guy: 48:05–56:44

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Tone & Final Thoughts

The episode, as always, is a whirlwind of absurd and candid humor, gentle teasing, and the occasional moment of earnest advice. The brothers’ chemistry is on full display—balancing sibling needling, creative tangents, and a delight in their own recurring bits. The “lucky” 777 milestone is more a setup for chaos than self-congratulation, and the show's tone ranges from bodily humor to sharp cultural observation. They bounce from bodily mishaps to workplace anxieties, food obsessions, and critiquing contemporary advertising, all with their signature mix of irreverence and warmth.

For new listeners:
This episode offers a thorough sampling of what makes MBMBaM beloved: personal oversharing, improvisational goofs, and life advice no one should ever take—delivered with affection, absurdity, and sibling glee.

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Transcript

[Griffin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

[Justin McElroy]

Also, this show isn't for kids, which.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

[Theme Song Singer / Montaigne]

It's the start of something beautiful.

[Justin McElroy]

A small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened.

[Theme Song Singer / Montaigne]

Into a precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life, it feels like it's better it's better with you My.

[Justin McElroy]

Life.

[Theme Song Singer / Montaigne]

It'S better it's better with you this is who you are it's better, it's better with two what's better with you?

[Justin McElroy]

Hello everybody and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's a device show for the modern era. And I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy, period.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 media luminary, Griffin McElroy.

[Justin McElroy]

Cha ching, cha ching.

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

You've hit the. You hit the jackpot on this episode. 777 it your lucky day, pal. Cause we're about to. What's wrong, Trav?

[Travis McElroy]

I was just thinking for this one, maybe we could try doing like a really professional right down the middle. This is like we've always said, this isn't your daddy's podcast. But this would be your daddy's podcast.

[Griffin McElroy]

We never really.

[Justin McElroy]

We have a tag. This time we can talk about 777. That's something. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And we never get to do like numerology stuff because we forget. But this one seems like it writes. Its like we won't have to. Trav, come over here.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cause I don't want them to hear. We won't have to come up with as many jokes if we can lean on our sort of numerology.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. Can we do it in like a professional, mature way? You think?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't understand why? This is the time. This is the time and the moment. He saved that for 778. That's a great angle. For 778, if you don't have the numbers, let's speak on.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, and for 79, we could talk about how that's why 9 is afraid.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is afraid of 7. We love this. We'll get the joke.

[Justin McElroy]

7, 8, 9 will actually be funny. That will be good.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, great.

[Griffin McElroy]

Because it's another number one and there's.

[Justin McElroy]

Less one we don't have to come up with. I. I was curious if the last time these, like, beautiful sevens had lined up was. Of course, we all remember episode 77.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Which was called the lucky one, the whole shebang. And that was from 2011. And I was curious if we had done some, like. Some stuff about seven. Stuff. Like, I just didn't want to retread.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Two's not as exciting.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Look back to episode seven. Did we talk about the movie seven a lot?

[Justin McElroy]

And, like, what's in the box in 77? We said cut a hole in some sheets. Cut a hole in a sheet candy and apple Bob it and get ready. It's H time.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think it was 100% sure.

[Justin McElroy]

But I'm using this to make a point. I actually, I brought this out because I was hoping we said something about seven, but, like, I do want to make a point. This was 14 fucking years ago.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And we are still just grasping for anything to talk about in the first five minutes of the show.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's funny. I'm looking at the transcript for episode seven right now. And let me see. What about men's rights? No one ever talks about men's rights.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, but we were groundbreaking at that point.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. We were the first ones talking about talking about men's rights.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm more interested now in men's wrongs. You know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. There's been men's lefts.

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

I need them to. I need them to.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Men at work. I doubt it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I need. I need the men's to have left. And so in episode 7777, we're gonna look back on this 140 years in the future and be like, what the fuck does that even mean?

[Travis McElroy]

Well, by then, all the men will be gone.

[Justin McElroy]

Sure. Let's hope. I had a brief update for everybody about my hemorrhoids. I did notice.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin, please. Heroroids.

[Justin McElroy]

Heroroids. Thank you. We're erasing. So that video popped up this week. We just happened to pop up the video about me debating whether or not I was gonna use suppositories on my hemorrhoids. And I do have to. When you do a show like our, it's very much true of consciousness. There is a sort of walk of shame that happens when you see that pop up. You're like, oh, Justin, we don't.

[Griffin McElroy]

We don't pick the clips. We should make it clear. The three of us don't. Our wonderful, like, video team and social folks help figure that out for us, which is great because that means less that I have to listen to the show. The choice sometimes to put you and your butt wounds specifically to lift that up in front. I think the algo.

[Travis McElroy]

I think the incorrect assumption they make hahaha is that Justin wouldn't bring it up on the show unless it was a choice he was making that he was proud of and wanted to be serviced.

[Justin McElroy]

And I think once the record button has been pressed, I have to talk for an hour.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, it's a few things, especially the last 15 minutes. There's no accountability.

[Justin McElroy]

And the first five minutes.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, the first five minutes in the last 15. There should be no accountability for the very private things we discuss.

[Justin McElroy]

So I did do. I did get them. I. Not on purpose, but I did call them into a pharmacy. Out. So I was way out. I did not need to be spotted.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's where Dustin Gackelroy gets his pills when he needs a little pillow.

[Travis McElroy]

To be fair, he's extreme and loves putting pills up his butt.

[Griffin McElroy]

Good evening.

[Justin McElroy]

My name is Moss Sell sweet cheeks. And I believe you have a prescription for my collection.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I. I am not sittin.

[Justin McElroy]

Pretty donut asked me to take a seat.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Without my hemorrhoid donut. So I go into the. Damn it. I shouldn't have said Rachel, edit out the specific pharmacy.

[Travis McElroy]

No one would have known that was the name of an actual plane.

[Justin McElroy]

No, that's why I got to cut it out.

[Travis McElroy]

But if you hadn't said it, it sounded like you forgot the word pharmacy.

[Justin McElroy]

This is edited.

[Travis McElroy]

It's not edited.

[Justin McElroy]

I go to the pharmacy. I go to the pharmacy. I get. I don't want people to know where the pharmacy I go to. Okay, whatever. There's probably not that many pharmacies anyway.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's true.

[Justin McElroy]

So I get the suppositories. They look like the ends of number two pencils.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Like the top inch and a half of a number two pencil.

[Griffin McElroy]

The writing end or the. Or the scraping end.

[Justin McElroy]

The writin end. But we're good with that because we do want.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, a tapered experience.

[Justin McElroy]

A taper is welcome. USA Taper is welcome.

[Travis McElroy]

But no flare. No flare at the bottom of this one.

[Justin McElroy]

No flare at the bottom of this one. So. So it's like a bullet. It's a bullet. It's a bullet. It's a bullet.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's how people I hope, describe our show. A fine tapered experience for easy.

[Travis McElroy]

No flare insertion.

[Justin McElroy]

No flare. It will come as no surprise to you folks at Home physician living in the house with me. So I asked her, I said, so like, what, what do I do? And she said, I mean you just go.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, it's a pretty, it seems a pretty one step process to me, Jamie. Remember that.

[Justin McElroy]

No, no, no, no. Hold on. Griffin, you go ahead with yours.

[Griffin McElroy]

Round peg, round hole.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, thank you. Easy, easy. And that's what she says to me. Easy. So I don't do it for a while.

[Griffin McElroy]

And did she say, is it tapered for your comfort?

[Justin McElroy]

Didn't even ask. Here's that. I just told you the entirety of the conversation and that will become important soon.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay?

[Justin McElroy]

So she says, can we skip over.

[Griffin McElroy]

The part if you do put it in your butt? Can we, like tastefully, I'm not on track.

[Travis McElroy]

Can we cut to the windows with curtains blowing and then come back, give.

[Griffin McElroy]

Us the story from Sid's pov. So we can't?

[Justin McElroy]

I literally can't. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I will, I will. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you. Tasteful editing. That's all I'm asking.

[Justin McElroy]

I will. So a random morning that had no real significance to me. Sydney McElroy. I'm in the kitchen taking care of our children.

[Travis McElroy]

Is there a bird outside the window? How's the sun rising?

[Justin McElroy]

Getting ready for school in the morning, right? I'm working hard and I'm getting my kids ready for school. There is an announcement throughout the speaker on the home speaker system and it sounds like this. Sid, come to the bathroom please. I need your help, child.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesus, man.

[Justin McElroy]

When Sydney comes to the bathroom, she finds me, Justin McIlroy, with my pants around my ankles, laying on the floor, sweating as though I've just been drenched in a bucket of mop water.

[Travis McElroy]

And like a weird ice bucket challenge.

[Justin McElroy]

Trying to rend the shirt from my chest so I could breathe again. That's what Sidney walks into. So here's the thing about putting in a suppository.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, go off King.

[Justin McElroy]

You should not do it standing up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh yeah, that's the way.

[Justin McElroy]

If you do it standing up, you can press a thing or do it a wrong. Well, if this can happen regardless. But the reason we don't do it standing up is while this Post story is going in, you can. Sydney called it vagaling and basically you press the wrong tube in there and you basically explode your whole body. Your blood pressure gets fucked up, you can't stand, you burst into a sweat and you basically have to lie down on the ground because you think you're gonna die for putting the pill in your butt wrong. Your wife said you couldn't do it wrong. She said, just pop it in there. She did not say, lube it up. She did not say lay down. She said just.

[Griffin McElroy]

She didn't say, mind the vag.

[Justin McElroy]

She didn't say, mind the vagling. Because you could fucking die. Hoops.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you think you're stronger now than you were before?

[Justin McElroy]

She remembered the conversation exactly. When she walked in the bathroom, she knew. She knew what she does.

[Griffin McElroy]

She was like.

[Travis McElroy]

When she heard the announcement on the Alexa, she knew.

[Justin McElroy]

She was like. She was like, oh, my God, he vagled. What did I do? Oh, my God, he bagelled. My sweet boy. She thought she was gonna walk into a big pile of blood, you know?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, Justin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Now I have to Google Vagling.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin. So the good news, now you have this. When someone talks about how Howard childbirth is, you can be like, well, I put a suppository up my butt wrong, so I understand, like, 10% of it.

[Justin McElroy]

I. Here's the only thing I'll say about the suppository. This is the tip for the future. This is the only challenge with it. It's not putting it up there. It's that there is a certain point where your body says, I will take it from here. And you don't know exactly what that point is. And if you guess it wrong, your body's like, no, no. But then at a certain point, your body's like, yes, now it is inside me. I will take it from here.

[Griffin McElroy]

You gotta trust the peristaltic foreman inside your body. That's like, oh.

[Justin McElroy]

All right, boys. Back. This is what we practice for, guys. Let's do it just like I told ya. This is why we train, guys.

[Travis McElroy]

This is why we train.

[Griffin McElroy]

Esophagus is like, we heard it was medicine time. We're ready and raring to go.

[Justin McElroy]

Don't worry, boys. We've got this day off. It's easier to teach it. It's easier to teach an anus to dissolve a pill than it is to teach an esophagus to cure hemorrhoids. It's like the Armageddon thing you see, right?

[Travis McElroy]

Do you think when that happens, the foreman of your butthole feels like when a defensive tackle gets an interception and runs it in for a touchdown and he's like, I never get to do this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thump, thump. Yeah. Medicine.

[Justin McElroy]

What a treat. It was a presence, too. You're aware of a presence.

[Griffin McElroy]

The Lord, it sounds like because you had an NDE on your bathroom floor.

[Justin McElroy]

Holy crap, though. But can I tell you guys, please The. The combination of. The combination of learning that I was not dying.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And learning that I. My wife had messed up in a way where I was right about something and she was wrong.

[Griffin McElroy]

A medical.

[Justin McElroy]

A medical doctor. And I no longer had pain in my anus. I could have lifted a fucking truck, guys. I was invulnerable that day, dude. I was right. Do you know how rarely Sidney messes up? It's like never.

[Travis McElroy]

So I had that.

[Justin McElroy]

Why. But.

[Travis McElroy]

777 episodes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. This is a first. And like, I got a brand new shirt on because I sweated through the last one. That's kind of like a.

[Griffin McElroy]

That feels good.

[Justin McElroy]

It's like. No, but like a clean shirt.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like, I was nice.

[Justin McElroy]

It was feeling really good for the rest of the day. Just to tell you guys about it.

[Travis McElroy]

You know what you got, Justin? Triple seven. Jackpot, baby.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, baby. And that's the kind of promise that we're making to you on this episode. Everything's coming up you.

[Griffin McElroy]

I also don't know if you've noticed, but the video that we did post of you talking about your hemorrhoids did get some actual interaction, I believe, on TikTok with the preparation Age account. This is a brand partnership that I think we've all been waiting for. Preparation Hoops special.

[Travis McElroy]

It'll be like.

[Griffin McElroy]

It'll be like the McDonald's meals where it's like, I'm Travis Scott and this is how I fuck around.

[Travis McElroy]

Or like a chaperoni pizza.

[Justin McElroy]

Dude. I would be such a good spokesperson for Preparation H. Just clip this out, y'. All. You can use it for free. Hi, it's Justin McElroy. When I'm packing a bag for travel, here's my rule. The first thing should be you pack. Should be the last thing you'd ever want to ask for. That's why Preparation H is the first thing in every bag I have. I probably have seven tubes of it just lying around like a smoker who swears they're going to quit soon. Man, I got Preparation H all over this place. I'd be dead without it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Dead drops.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin has it in the lining of his suitcase like a smuggler.

[Justin McElroy]

Click my link below to head on to the shop to use my special code to get the package with my face on it. And they'll come to you from China. I don't know why they're doing that. I asked them to not do that.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think you could offer this skew could really stand out on a store shelf if you didn't have to go to the pharmacy and say, like, let me get some preparation H for my ruined bung. And instead you could just walk up and be like, let me get some of that hoops goop. Yeah, Like, I don't know what that is.

[Travis McElroy]

And listed as, like, a performance. Performance enhancer.

[Griffin McElroy]

Performance enhancer. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Maybe this is kind of like the Coke thing where you, like, give a buddy a coat, give a pal a coke. Maybe the H could stand for something different on each of the packaging. So, like, mine could be like preparation hoops, but you could be like preparation hug, or like, preparation helping, you know, preparation hemorrhoid. Well, see, that is what it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think that's maybe okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

That has been my suspicion from the beginning. Yeah. I started a new job a little over a month ago. I really liked the job, but I have made a huge whoopsie. This morning, I used the microwave to warm up my breakfast. However, when I pushed in the lever to open the door, it wouldn't open. No matter how hard I pushed the lever or pulled the door. I assumed it was broken. And I pry the door open with my hands and a pocket knife. Only after I destroyed destroy this poor microwave did I see the button that said lock unlock. Nobody saw what happened.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's really, really, really rough, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Nobody saw what happened. A lead walked by afterwards, and I said, hey, this microwave is broken. He looks at the damage and says, oh, man, they're gonna be mad. This thing was brand new. This happened first thing in the morning. So they're blaming night shift. Dear brothers, what do I do? That's from micro screwed in SoCal.

[Travis McElroy]

First, can I compliment you? I want to give big props to you for using the passive voice of this microwave is broken.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it has come up.

[Travis McElroy]

That was a good first step.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's strong.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. This microwave is.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, don't objust it, please.

[Justin McElroy]

Sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

Please don't contradict. Yeah, man. You stabbed him. If the knife hadn't been part of it, if you had just, like, broken it a little bit.

[Justin McElroy]

Certainly not the knife.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. If you've been like, the door got weird and I don't think it's working anymore, you have plausible deniability if you insert a blade into this thing. You can't say that's unrelated.

[Justin McElroy]

If you're a knife person, everything looks like something you could stab with a knife. The problem is I see. I see knife as like, an extension of me. So I don't really think of it as an escalation so much as it is my like claws or a sack. Yeah, it's a natural. I always have it. So it doesn't count. Like, I don't think the TSA should be able to take my knife.

[Travis McElroy]

No, you're a knife guy.

[Justin McElroy]

This is my knife.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, it's also just, I have to say, the smallest knife I've ever seen.

[Justin McElroy]

Exactly. I just want a little bit of a knife.

[Travis McElroy]

He's down there hunting crocodiles. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

He wants a treat. A little knife.

[Travis McElroy]

Now here's. I think what this is too, is a perfect encapsulation of new job panic when something goes wrong. Because the fact that you went to stab, and I'm going to assume here, because you didn't clarify a plugged in microwave with a knife, that you weren't thinking about. Best case scenario, you were thinking about how do I get away from this as quickly as possible before anyone in the office clocks that I have broken the microwave with a breakfast sandwich? Because if I'm at home and my breakfast sandwich gets stuck in the microwave, I'm like, well, time will fix this. And I walk away.

[Justin McElroy]

All right, I'm just gonna pop off then. If we're not. If nobody's gonna talk about it, go king. Microwaves are horrible.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much, Justin.

[Justin McElroy]

Microwaves are designed by maniacs for no one. Okay, here's the thing about microwave, right?

[Travis McElroy]

Say it.

[Justin McElroy]

You want to defrost. You want to cook. You want to.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's it.

[Justin McElroy]

That's it. There's cook it hot. Cook it not as hot. Two things and then how long. I want to do it. That's it. The fact that these fucking things all have a popcorn button and everyone universally knows. Don't fuck. Don't press that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't fuck it up real bad.

[Justin McElroy]

Don't press popcorn button if you're making popcorn.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can you imagine if you rolled up to a stovetop in a kitchen and it was like, hey, we would love to give you selections for the heat and how high you want the heat to go. Instead. We have one big button that says fish on it.

[Justin McElroy]

Imagine you're making stuffing to do that. Imagine you're making stovetop stuffing on the top of your stove and your mom comes in. She's like, no. God. It's like, what, Mom? It's stove top stuffing. Yeah, but you don't make it on the top of the stove. Not stove top stuffing. That's the popcorn button. That's microwaves. That's where we're at.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it's terrible interface design. And anyone. Anyone could fix it.

[Justin McElroy]

There's three things I ever want to do with this box. Why are you asking? The weight is what kills me. You think I'm going to trust you? The microwave. I'm going to tell you I have a pound and a half of chicken and you're going to be like, hmm, well let me see. Fuck you. How about this? Carry the one, carry the one. How about this? How about every 15 seconds I open it to see if you burned it, you idiot? Because that's what I do every single time. I'm not going to trust you with this.

[Travis McElroy]

I assume that the lock unlock button is a safety feature to keep kids from climbing into it. I guess.

[Griffin McElroy]

Little tiny microwave sized kids. Yeah, for sure.

[Justin McElroy]

That's probably an option.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. I'm trying to figure out a scenario in which you're like, this is mine, my microwave safe.

[Justin McElroy]

Is it an unlock so you can open it while it's running? Is this the feature? It's like, well, if you're sure, I guess you're an adult. Go for it, man. Unlock it.

[Travis McElroy]

I think you did him a favor.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, getting rid of this shitty microwave.

[Justin McElroy]

You know what? This is a good call. It's definitely under warranty though.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is sort of a trolley problem for me where I need to know how many people are on the night.

[Travis McElroy]

Shift and is there a real sinker among them?

[Griffin McElroy]

That is. Well, that changes the math I guess a little bit. But I'm mostly thinking in terms of like, what, what share of the guilt are these people gonna carry? If it's three people, that's too much. And I think that you're like, those three people are gonna be looked at very suspiciously. If it's like 5, 6, 7 folks, they can carry the weight of a microwave mystery amongst them. As long as there can be some doubt.

[Justin McElroy]

I will say also it's next time, next time, don't jump to a levering action. Perhaps an unscrewing or a deeper examination with the knife. If you have a multi tool, maybe the world's smallest screwdriver and you see if you could do that a bit. Levering is almost always, you know, you are going to break it. Like the idea is like it will break before you do.

[Griffin McElroy]

Of all the simple. Of all the simple machines, it is the one that can do certainly the most harm to a. I think it.

[Travis McElroy]

Would be wild to have a microwave that's designed to be like you can either push the button to open it or wedge something in the door and kind of hammer a minute with either one works.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, you can either you Get a railroad spike and a gandy dancer to come over and frigging pound it in for you. Or you can press the lock unlock button.

[Travis McElroy]

Either one.

[Justin McElroy]

The lock unlock button is still bothering me because like there is a state called on and off for this thing. And if it is on this do not open. It should not be able to open. That should be as locked as it gets.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it shouldn't be on and unlocked. Those are two binary states never overlap.

[Justin McElroy]

It's. You're basically turning it into a display case at that point. Like I want to. I don't want to cook anything in it, but I don't anybody to steal it. Like, I just want to keep it in here and hot.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is that it? Is it an anti theft mechanism? Because what are you going to do? Use a locked microwave?

[Justin McElroy]

Is it for like, you wouldn't download a boat?

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, for sure, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Whenever I make Cooper breakfast corn dog though, she is like ready and raring to rip that out of there. And she will burn a mouth on it if she's hungry enough. Maybe that's.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, a corn dog is a breakfast corn dog. A breakfast corn dog is still same concept and sort of molecular structure. It's a hot. It's a lava hot core inside of a sort of obfuscating shell. Another question.

[Justin McElroy]

I love that Griffin. Whenever I order pasta at an Italian restaurant, the server always comes around with fresh parmesan and says, tell me when to stop. The problem is I want an ungodly amount of parm on my pasta. I'll sit there watching them great for what feels like forever. And at some point I feel like the server gets uncomfortable and I worry they'll just stop without me saying anything. Brothers, how do I politely tell the server to, quote, stop when I tell you to stop? And that's from passionate parm lover. Okay. Okay. The first thing I do want to say is we don't need you guys to explain to us everyday occurrences. So like if you were to like, we know when you go to an Italian restaurant and someone grates the parmesan you don't have. That's not something that happens special at your local spot. Or like.

[Travis McElroy]

A quirky thing that I.

[Griffin McElroy]

Go to the factory where the spaghetti is made. Thank you very much. They do it a little different here.

[Justin McElroy]

So we do know about that. So you could just say like when he's grating it up, like, I'll know.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, you know, we'll understand. Just trust that we'll get that.

[Justin McElroy]

We'll get it. Cause we all Think about this. I think what he is wanting, what the server is wanting you to balance, is your desire for cheese with your discomfort from taking more cheese than you are deserved. Like, that you are owed, because you should know, obviously, it's not your cheese. So there is an inbuilt guilt.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And the waiter is asking, what's your limit for discomfort in taking my cheese?

[Travis McElroy]

This is. I think if I were to ever open an Italian restaurant first, it would be terrible. Don't eat there.

[Griffin McElroy]

But it would not be bad.

[Travis McElroy]

It would be bad. I don't. One, I don't know anything about running a restaurant. Two, I don't know, like, how to make food. So. But I would have a rule of, like, if you grate more than 10 seconds, it becomes a side, and there will be an upcharge for it. You can do it.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's interesting.

[Travis McElroy]

But at this point, you've now added a new element to the pasta is now an ingredient. It's a side.

[Griffin McElroy]

Mine would be. I would make the server move the. The grinder all around. And so you have to move the pasta bowl underneath it to try and catch. To catch all of it. And if you drop too much on the table, it ends, the game ends.

[Travis McElroy]

What would you guys think about this move? Okay, let me take the helm.

[Justin McElroy]

Sorry, what were we?

[Griffin McElroy]

Parmesan.

[Travis McElroy]

Parmesan. Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

What would you think about this move? Why don't you let me take the helm? Let me take the stick on this one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, grab it.

[Travis McElroy]

No, you don't grab it. You don't grab it. Griffin, we don't grab that. Griffin, we don't grab. But you say, I'll do the cranking. Let me crank it. Right. Because my worry would be, whatever. Whether it's a grating motion or a cranking motion, their arm's gonna get tired if you get the amount of parm that you want. Right? But you say, let me do it. You tell me when to stop.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I like it. You say, I like it chunky. I like a chunky grind.

[Justin McElroy]

It's not the grinding they mind. It's the fact that they have to walk back to the kitchen to get more cheese is done, they have to go get more. So every nanosecond of cheese you're getting is condemning this person to walking back sooner. Like, you're giving them a chore. Right? That's the balance. You're balancing that with how much delicious, salty, zesty Parmesan you want, and maybe a lot.

[Griffin McElroy]

The pasta tastes so good.

[Justin McElroy]

What about A pre tip.

[Travis McElroy]

What about a pre tip where you're like, listen, I'm. You're gonna grate and you're gonna be grating so long that you're gonna think I've forgotten to tell you to stop. But my friend Jackson here is gonna get added to the tip if you just keep going until I tell you to stop.

[Justin McElroy]

The problem is with that is if I realize that someone is doing a protracted bit with a server like that. And that's what it feels like to me. It doesn't feel like they're. It's not a common courtesy. Because courtesy would be just having enough cheese. Right? We waved bye bye.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, normal amount.

[Justin McElroy]

You're not being courteous by saying, like, just for courtesy sake. I'm a total. It's the dog in me. And I will just go ahead and eat all the crummy cheese you have and like to be bite. And I might just to be a gentleman up front, I might bite your hand if you take the cheese away. Because I love the cheesy, if you know what I mean.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, then just call ahead before you get there and say, hey, is it okay if I bring my own grater and parmesan with me? I don't wanna use up your guys Parmesan. And I know I've got that dog in me when it comes to the grater cheese. So I'll bring my own from home. And if there's any leftover and anyone around me, even at other tables wants them, I'll take care of that too. I'm not trying to be greedy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you offer a sort of 401k Parmesan matching program where you will, however much I bring, you also will add to the dish. Cause I can't get enough of this fucking salty stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

A lot of restaurants will have corking fees. Or you could bring your own bottle of wine and you just have to pay to open it and drink it. They should have that with cheeses.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that's cool. You could also do. I really like the useful hack of Whenever I get a haircut that looks good, I'll take a picture of it so I can show the barber next time. Maybe when you get an ideal cheese pour, you take a picture of that. And when someone says, tell me when to stop, you'd be like, up, up, up, up, up. Just this much, please. This is the perfect amount. My boy Tony hooked me up last time I was here. Are you gonna play ball or what's up?

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. When I opened my own Italian, I've.

[Justin McElroy]

Had some trouble in the past with some of your less generous co workers.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gotten some look. Some looky lose. I didn't appreciate it.

[Travis McElroy]

When I open my own Italian restaurant.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

We will have a cheesing fee.

[Justin McElroy]

Paint a scene for me.

[Travis McElroy]

We can. First of all, it's not good. It's being run very poorly. It's either overstaffed or understaffed. At any given time. I can't. I can't seem to find the right amount of people to have. But we will have a cheesing fee where, for a fee, you can bring any cheese or cheese flavored thing you want to put on your pasta. No judgment. You want to come and crunch up some cheetos over your pasta?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool.

[Travis McElroy]

It's yours, man. Do it. You know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

The chef. They should bring the chef out to watch you do it, though.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. That's what the fee includes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, gosh. Counseling for the Porsche.

[Justin McElroy]

I. If you gave him. If they said, I'll stop when you say win. If you gave him, like, one little look and just like, that's great. But fair warning. I got that dog in me and a little bit of a wink. Would that get you thrown out mine?

[Griffin McElroy]

I think they'd like it.

[Travis McElroy]

I said the same thing. But you're paying them money for it. Justin, you're doing your version is do it. Yeah, but wink of this. I can do it.

[Griffin McElroy]

But, like, tipping is so uncomfortable.

[Justin McElroy]

It makes it dirty. Offering the. You're a tip.

[Travis McElroy]

It's a bribe. It's not a tip. It's a bribe.

[Justin McElroy]

Money makes it dirty. The joke makes it. The joke Makes it dirty.

[Griffin McElroy]

The joke and the money makes it dirty. And a dirty bribe. And I think they should get paid, but I think they'll also just.

[Justin McElroy]

We should pay servers a living wage. Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

We should pay servers a living wage. Brave and bold.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can we go to the money zone? Cause I also think we should get paid.

[Travis McElroy]

I love getting paid.

[Griffin McElroy]

Great.

[Justin McElroy]

It's better.

[Theme Song Singer / Montaigne]

It's better with you.

[Travis McElroy]

I got a new kitty. Yeah, you did? Yeah. She's two months old. Her name is Jasmine. We've had her for about three days. She's great, and I love her. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm still undecided, but it takes me a while.

[Travis McElroy]

Sometimes you're undecided on whether you love my kitty or not.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sweet, pretty kitty. But, like, there's a lot of time for the apple cart to spoil.

[Travis McElroy]

That's true. You have a, like, hundred different point Metric that you use.

[Griffin McElroy]

Prove it to me. Prove it to show me what. Show me what you got, kid.

[Travis McElroy]

But I'm excited. Maybe I'm not gonna say the whole reason I got a kitty was to try Smalls, but I've heard such good things from Justin. Yeah, his kitties love it. And it gives that ability to maintain consistency with food while still changing up the flavors and keeping your cat all interested and hooked on it. And I'm really looking forward to it.

[Justin McElroy]

It's been a great relationship between us and the cats and Smalls. Everything has been better since we started serving them wet food. Like Travis said, you can pace out how much you're feeding them. Their coats look better, and I feel good about the stuff that we're giving them. And, you know, there's, like, little bonus in there sometimes. Like, there's some treats in there. Kids. The kids love that. They'll go digging for the treats. It's fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

Justin's kitties hate my fucking guts, and that is because they know I will. I do not hook them up with Smalls, and they've told me as much.

[Justin McElroy]

For a limited time only, because you are one of our beloved listeners, you can get 60% off your first Smalls order, plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com, my brother. That's 60% off when you head to smalls.com mybrother/free shipping. Again, that's smalls.com mybrother Summertime's wrapping up.

[Griffin McElroy]

And we were all panicking and freaking out about all the stuff on our big summer list that we were gonna get around to.

[Travis McElroy]

I did it all.

[Griffin McElroy]

Said this. Well, that's good for you, Travis, you.

[Travis McElroy]

Cause I said, have fun. That was the only thing on my list. Have fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

Mine was more ambitious. Ride the big roller coaster.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, you did see that? Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

There was learn to swim. Have my first kiss. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Get taller was on your list, which I thought was clear.

[Griffin McElroy]

Get taller while having a first special kiss. And, like, a lot of stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

You said you wanted your first kiss to be, like, the Spider man kiss, specifically from Tobey Maguire.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

You wanted to be Kirsten Dunst.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I haven't gotten around to fetching my special baseball hat out of old man Murphy's yard with the junkyard dog. But if I'm gonna have time to do that shit, then I can't be wasting time in the kitchen cooking up meals, doing prep, doing all the stuff that I absolutely hate to do in there. I want to eat good food. I don't have time to do it because Mr. Murphy's junkyard dog is so scary, and I have to learn how to run real fast to get away from that.

[Travis McElroy]

You need PF wires. Griffin, I've told you, you gotta get a wire.

[Griffin McElroy]

They my feet are too fucking wide for traditional baseball shoes. I know, Griffin. Damn it. And you know that. And you embarrassed me on purpose. But Factor is where I go to get delicious chef prep meals that are delivered right to my door so I don't have to stress out about the time I'm wasting in the kitchen when I need to be training for dog survival. They got over 65 weekly meals to choose from, and I don't think they send you 65 meals. That would be a really tremendous amount. Maybe there's some way to request that. But they have so many different meal options regardless of your diet. They got premium seafood choices like salmon and shrimp. No extra cost, just flavors from all around this big, beautiful world of ours. I've used Factor and the food genuinely is quite good. It's always sort of a crapshoot. I know with certain services like this, and Factor's one of the good ones, so. So what we want you to do is eat smart. @factormeals.com Brother 50 off and use code BROTHER50OFF to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. That's code [e-mail] for 50% off your first box plus FREE breakfast for one year. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with Factor Offer only value for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. I'm bold of them to think that we can handle that level of disclaiming, but I feel like we stuck the landing completely.

[Justin McElroy]

Nice job, Griff.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you. On Judge John Hodgman.

[Travis McElroy]

The courtroom is fake, but the disputes are real.

[Justin McElroy]

Brian would say I'm the Gumby of this family.

[Travis McElroy]

He's just not claiming to be.

[Justin McElroy]

Gumby Is an un Gumby like claim. No, it's just Gumby and I being our authentic selves. So what's your complaint? Too many sauces.

[Griffin McElroy]

There are no foods on which to put the sauces.

[Justin McElroy]

Have we named all the sauces on the top shelf yet?

[Travis McElroy]

Not.

[Griffin McElroy]

Not even close.

[Justin McElroy]

You economize when it comes to pants.

[Griffin McElroy]

Truly. It's not about the cleanliness of the pants.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, why isn't it? This is what I want to know.

[Griffin McElroy]

Judge John Hodgman.

[Justin McElroy]

Fake court Weird cases, real justice. On MaximumFun.org, youTube, and everywhere you get podcasts. It's hard to explain what Jordan Jesse Go is about. So I had my kids take a stab at it. Probably weird stuff. You talk about jobs that are annoying, business. I think you probably learned your lesson after talking about business a couple of times. Grown up jokes that I don't understand. And there's no point in making.

[Griffin McElroy]

All the podcasts.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, boy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Subscribe to Jordan Jessie Go, a comedy show for grownups. Oh, what do we. What's this Juice?

[Justin McElroy]

I want to look at Sabrina Carpenter's mouth. I don't make my brothers look at Spina Carpenter's mouth.

[Travis McElroy]

There's a string of saliva in the picture.

[Griffin McElroy]

It is saliva.

[Justin McElroy]

Remember when you could sell donuts without blowjob ads? Neither does Dunkin Donuts.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesus Christ.

[Justin McElroy]

Guess who's back. Back again.

[Travis McElroy]

Dunkin Blownuts.

[Justin McElroy]

This fall, Duncan has taken mornings back to where they began with the clink of a spoon in a cereal bowl. That's what. Is that crazy? It's the craziest fucking sentence. Duncan is taking mornings back to where they began. What in the fuck could that mean? To when the fucking primordial ooze slid.

[Travis McElroy]

Down to when God called, let there be light.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Nationwide today, the all new cereal milk latte transforms that memory of the beginning of time into a sweetness of smart.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why did you have to screen share this extreme close up on Sabrina Kartner's.

[Theme Song Singer / Montaigne]

Mouth way before you were gonna hotline? What can I do for you today?

[Justin McElroy]

Oh.

[Theme Song Singer / Montaigne]

You'Re hot. I see. I think I know what you're really craving. A Strawberry Daydream refresher. I'm sorry, did you free me cold foam and strawberry bliss? Sabrina, Strawberry Daydream.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm sorry, so what was the cut off there?

[Justin McElroy]

So like what.

[Griffin McElroy]

What is. Why did it cut off the video.

[Justin McElroy]

That'S playing right now? I mean.

[Travis McElroy]

No, no, no. When she was talking, I just.

[Justin McElroy]

It was.

[Travis McElroy]

Rewind it like 10 seconds.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, okay. I already want it. I already want it. I rewind it here.

[Theme Song Singer / Montaigne]

I'm sorry. Did you creamy cold foam and strawberry?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Did you creamy.

[Justin McElroy]

So like.

[Griffin McElroy]

So the suggestion is the man she's talking to. Jesus.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you remember earlier, listener, when I said, remember when you could sell donuts without a blowjob ad and you thought, oh, Justin's being a little puerile? Not really.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, the man busts.

[Justin McElroy]

Not really. The man busts in the.

[Griffin McElroy]

A man busted on my Dunkin ad. A man busted on my donut commercial.

[Travis McElroy]

All I'm going to say the man busted.

[Justin McElroy]

All I'm gonna say the man busted that's nonsense. I mean, that's nonsense.

[Travis McElroy]

A room full of people watched this finished product, and I'm going to bet unanimously said yes. That's exactly how we wanted it.

[Justin McElroy]

That's exactly it.

[Griffin McElroy]

The man should. How much of the man?

[Justin McElroy]

And then one guy in the back was like. And what I had.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Can I add one aruga? No, Jim, you can't. How long have you been the CEO of this company? You know, you can't add arugas.

[Griffin McElroy]

I appreciate Sabrina Carpenter's brand a lot. It requires a certain suspension of disbelief that talking to someone on the telephone about a cold and frothy beverage being offered at the local donut restaurant would be enough to make you bust in. Just show me the timecode on the moment of the busting, because I think it's like, 20 seconds. That's crazy, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

I also.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, hold on. I got to see the time on this. Okay, 33 seconds from nothing to busting by hearing about a donut drink.

[Justin McElroy]

Are you okay, sir? There is also a level.

[Travis McElroy]

There's a level of sincerity to this commercial, too. Like, where's the winky, jokey part? Exactly.

[Justin McElroy]

I love. This is. This is. I want to be specific here, because you did mention Sabrina Carpenter's brand of nonsense, to be specific. I think this is great. Like, if you. If I was Sabrina Carpenter and Duncan was like, you want to do this ad? And I was like, okay, but I'm going to. I'm going to be kind of insane with it. Like, you know me. I'm Sabrina Carpenter. I'm gonna put some, like, sex stuff in there. And Duncan's like, yeah, absolutely. We love this. Can you put a cum joke in? We're Dunkin Donuts. Like, we, like. Can you put a come joke in for Sabrina? Get the money. I'm saying go for it, Sabrina.

[Griffin McElroy]

Go for it.

[Travis McElroy]

Here's what it is.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a wild partnership.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a place where they do the.

[Justin McElroy]

Spider donuts that are orange with the donut holes that have a fake.

[Travis McElroy]

They just did Superman donuts.

[Justin McElroy]

You just. No.

[Griffin McElroy]

What is. Travis, I don't think you watched the same movie. What juice.

[Justin McElroy]

That was a Krispy Kreme promotion and a Dairy Queen promotion, but there was not a Duncan promotion with Superman.

[Griffin McElroy]

Also, Superman would be all about a guy bust in 33 seconds into a phone call.

[Travis McElroy]

That's what I'm gonna say. If this show.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's what being a human is about.

[Travis McElroy]

If this showed up as one of their funny, fake commercials on Saturday Night Live or snul as we in the know call it. I'd be like, oh, yeah, they nail this. That's a little.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, but if it was on snl, you know, they would put more of the busting in. Like, they would make it louder and more pronounced and not like, kind of suggestive.

[Travis McElroy]

How long do you think the discussion was about what noises the person on the phone should be heard making a lot of debates.

[Justin McElroy]

Unthinkable, unthinkable that that was not scripted. It was probably like they do with Kenny on South Park. They knew exactly the nasty stuff he was saying.

[Travis McElroy]

There was almost certainly a version that contained, let's say, more explicit sounds. And they're like, we. We can't.

[Griffin McElroy]

They probably had a version in there that was very, like, peanuts teacher muted Trump.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I'd like to continue the news, please. Can I continue with the news? Duncan is serving up a latte that tastes like childhood all grown up. The new cereal in the milk latte combines espresso with cereal milk for a marshmallow cereal flavor that's creamy, rich, and unmistakably nostalgic. I should stop here and mention, Hi, I'm Justin McElroy, the human being. I will with this on an incomprehensible level. I'm gonna add an extra shot, and it may be the first decent thing at Duncan.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it's rare for you to be excited about a Duncan offering like this.

[Travis McElroy]

I also, I do want to point out that this is another of my favorite, and Duncan is guilty of this a lot in their press releases of, like, talking about this like it is a metaphysical, spiritual experience and not just like, hey, we had an idea for, like, I know this is gonna sound nasty at first, but hear us out. What do you guys think? You guys are gonna love this, right? But instead, it's like, this is your childhood. You can get back. Get back to a simpler time.

[Justin McElroy]

Building on the success of the Dunka Latte, Dunkin is taking its latte innovation to the next level with cereal milk made with real cereal, unlocking that unmistakable bottom of the bowl sweetness. Now let's pause here. It's latte innovation to the next level with cereal milk made with real cereal.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, why? Yeah, what do you do with the cereal?

[Justin McElroy]

And how. Why? And how are you making cereal? So you can destroy the cereal and put it in the milk. That's cruel.

[Griffin McElroy]

Who's eating that?

[Justin McElroy]

Who's eating that?

[Griffin McElroy]

Someone better be eating that. I'll be so pissed off.

[Justin McElroy]

Why are you making it with real cereal? You have fucking science, man. Go get the vial that says Fruit Loops and scooch it in there.

[Griffin McElroy]

Scooch it in. Die.

[Justin McElroy]

Destroy the cereal.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's good also.

[Travis McElroy]

But I bet for employees of Dunkin, this is a great unexpected benefit of like, hey, and Jimmy, we need you to eat all this cereal. That's your job today. Is just sitting here.

[Griffin McElroy]

But I don't want Jimmy's dirty mouth anywhere near my cereal. Like, I don't want it to be.

[Travis McElroy]

Pre eating Associated Griffin.

[Justin McElroy]

There's an associated Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm still. I don't.

[Justin McElroy]

I. Yeah, you want to see the. They're doing some gear. Do you guys want to see the gear?

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Does it specify what cereal the milk is in that with?

[Justin McElroy]

Isn't that. Absolutely. It's erasure. I mean, I don't know how else to say it. Griffin. That's certainly not what I meant to say.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cocoa pebble cereal milk is up against Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal milk. It's two completely different textures.

[Justin McElroy]

There's three families, right? There's the cinnamon family, there's the fruit family, there's the chocolate family. You can overlap some of those. But like, I gotta know where I'm going.

[Travis McElroy]

Then there's the one that the parent buys where it's like, no, this is.

[Griffin McElroy]

The one where the kachi family. Fuck that. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

No, thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

Get your crackling Oat brand flavored.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, sorry. I was gonna show you guys the gear. You can guess for free if you want, which I bought, but I'm not gonna tell you screen. Dunkin gear. They had Dunkin. They call it a Duncan pop up shop. Oh, good. You fooled me. It's neat. A neat little tent right here on the Internet.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. That says Duncan at the top and bottom and all over it.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And you got duncingear.com. this is a cereal un milk.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can we get a zoom on the milk in the bowl?

[Justin McElroy]

I don't think I can do that for you.

[Travis McElroy]

It's consistency is like yogurt.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a yogurt. It's a very thick milk. We've got level up your side. There's a T shirt, there's a sweatshirt, There's a trucker hat.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, you got the trucker hat, Justin.

[Justin McElroy]

No, I didn't. I got too many ball caps. I got the, the. The sweatshirt and T shirt. So that is the story on that. I did want to also let you know, guys, more public service kind of thing. But mark it on your calendars. 21st of August, we're talking about it. The return of pumpkin at Duncan Pumpkin at Duncan. The pumpkin at Duncan is back.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think you said. I think you said pumpkin.

[Travis McElroy]

It's back already.

[Justin McElroy]

Pumpkin at Duncan. Guests can add pumpkin swirl to their favorite hotter iced coffee, cold brew or espresso drink. So I just wanna let you know.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can I pumpkin up the cereal milk drink? I would rather put pumpkin in the cereal. Can it be cereal milk pumpkin?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, you can Pumpkin in the cereal drink.

[Travis McElroy]

You can put pumpkin in the cereal drink and then call and talk to Sabrina Carpenter about it.

[Griffin McElroy]

What if that conversion was like, oh, you put pumpkin in the cereal drink. Yeah, that'll make you jizz for sure. Sir, don't worry, I'm connecting you to the poison control hotline right now. You shouldn't be busting in 33 seconds. That is a result of the bum gum toxin.

[Justin McElroy]

So that is the scoop over there at Duncan hq. I gotta get one of those soon.

[Griffin McElroy]

How about one more question?

[Justin McElroy]

I'd love that. I've just gotten off work and I'm walking home. As I was crossing a parking lot, I saw a young man walking on a sideway sidewalk nearby. He had a very long stick, was doing some kind of BO staff movements as with it as he walked. I'm talking spinning it, twirling it behind his back, even swinging it as he was fighting off a group of assailants. In. In context, it was a strange thing to see, but it did look pretty cool. I admire this young man's skills and confidence to practice them while walking down Main street during rush hour. And I wanted to say something like sick moves, but I was worried that I'd come off as mocking him and didn't want to feel embarrassed. So I stayed quiet and I didn't watch him for long. Is there a way I could have paid this young warrior a genuine compliment that would be taken in the way that I meant it? And that's from BO staff bystander in Bentucky. This guy was probably a college student and they work at a college. So there was like on campus, the college does have some kind of Jedi club or LARP group or something. So maybe he's in that man.

[Griffin McElroy]

If he's not, go grab him because you got fucking great.

[Justin McElroy]

You should try to get some of the details sketched in for yourself because you shouldn't run up and be like, hey, just so you know, we got some kind of nerd club here. Look into it. Like, thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you're not the president of the Jedi club, you should join them because the Jedi club.

[Justin McElroy]

Or okay, sorry, Steve, what's up.

[Travis McElroy]

I just watched a video the other day of Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen at some kind of, like, convention where somebody handed them both lightsabers and they're kind of like, uh, yeah. And then they start busting out full, like, whip it behind their back and still doing the move.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hell, yeah. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

They came. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen.

[Justin McElroy]

So cool. You can't unlearn it.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can't. No. Yeah. I mean, I still credit, by the.

[Justin McElroy]

Way, credit goes to Hayden and Ewan, if I can, please. They have just clung to. To that fucking shit and refuse to acknowledge that those movies are dirty dishwater. And somehow, just through the sheer force of will, they waited a fucking generation and have snowed these young people into thinking that is one of the good movies. It's insane. Just by, like, being there and hanging in there long enough, we have just, like, decided to ignore the fact that those movies suck.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, they didn't have to fucking look forward to it in real time and drink the Star Wars Mountain Dew and go to Phantom Menace opening night with their dad and then have, like, a really weird energy in the drive home of, like, was it not. Was it not like they didn't have to deal with that sort of trauma? They can just watch the fight scene with Yoda on YouTube and be like, fuck yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Yoda man.

[Justin McElroy]

Yoda man. Yoda man. Yoda man. Indeed.

[Griffin McElroy]

We've said his name more than three times in this one episode. We're playing with fire so far.

[Justin McElroy]

What's difficult is I often get this just because, like, someone's lifestyle choices makes me happy, because it makes me happy that they're, like, just living their life and doing whatever. Like, I saw a lady, like, just talking to her dog as it used the bathroom, like, full on talking to her dog. And it was, like, making me so happy. And I. And I was, like, driving. And the. My consistent rule is, if you are driving, there is nothing you can say to anybody that will not be taken as bullying. I'm going to assume if you're saying.

[Travis McElroy]

It from a car, you're a Doppler effect. Like, are these. Exactly.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you're hanging out of the passenger side of your best friend's ride, there is nothing you can holler at me that is going to come off as, like, a positive thing, but just a walking. Just a pedestrian pass by. There might be a way. I do think we're gonna have to.

[Justin McElroy]

So the power imbalance in the first scenario is obvious, and that's why it's not okay. But there is a power imbalance to paying someone a compliment and then being sort of chained to your own foot speed, you know, like, for. And then you're really. Foot speed then becomes incredibly important.

[Travis McElroy]

How fast you're going in the same direction.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Velocity, angle. There's a lot of geometry that goes into whether or not you can do this. Complex.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna give you the universal. I think there's a universality to the compliment. Hell yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hell yeah, brother.

[Travis McElroy]

Hell yeah. I don't think you could take hell yeah as insincere.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Hell yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Hell yeah. Hell yeah is always pretty since hell yeah. Yeah. I don't think you could.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hell yeah. Even if I think they're goofing about it, it's still, like, kind of a fun way to do things.

[Travis McElroy]

Right?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think that's gonna hurt so bad. Also, you're twirling a BO staff in the middle of the college grounds. You know you'll be seen. There's a certain extent to which you know you'll be seen. I'm not saying that you're inviting commentary, but you're walking around twirling. You must. I'm excited for you. You must understand it's an uncommon practice.

[Justin McElroy]

You should also understand that if you go to someone and you say, hey, moves are looking good, this person's doing the moves in public. With all due respect, they know they looking good.

[Travis McElroy]

You know what I mean?

[Justin McElroy]

Like, they didn't come out here day one. You're probably seeing day 158 of their bo staff journey. Right? They just now decided to treat us all to it. They've been on the grind inside.

[Travis McElroy]

I would also worry. I think where my particular brain would go is if I complimented anything with any specificity. This person is now going to start talking to me about how they could introduce me to the way of the BO staff.

[Griffin McElroy]

You want nothing to. That's not. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm not part of this. Like, you can't perceive me. I perceived. You don't perceive me back. No.

[Travis McElroy]

That's not a character. Hell yeah. I support this from a distance. Hell yeah. Hell, yeah. Clearly, that's all I needed to say. I was moved by the spirit. This wasn't a planned response. It just bubbled up. But if I'm like, sick moves, that's gonna feel like. Let's compare and contrast. Like, now let me show you my BO staff moves.

[Justin McElroy]

So many greeting. Oh, man. Okay. So many greetings that we have are societal based in that, like, I'M trying to signal to you that I'm a normal person in society and you're a normal person in society. We're both safe and normal. So we do this like common accepted greeting, whatever it may be. Right? There's not a good way of acknowledging that both of us are like in on the joke, you know what I mean? That we are approaching this whole thing with the appropriate amount of levity. It's hard to signal that in a life affirming way. Because genuinely when I see people who are just like going for it, it brings me a lot of joy. I want to communicate that to them. But also it's none of my business, you know, that's kind of the whole point with being on your own journey. You're just kind of doing your own thing. And it's hard to say to people in a non ironic way. Like we both kind of get that this is kind of silly, huh?

[Griffin McElroy]

But this is cool.

[Justin McElroy]

It's cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're into it.

[Justin McElroy]

We're having a good time though, right? No, I mean life, like the whole thing, right? Like we're having a good time.

[Griffin McElroy]

Not the BO staff.

[Justin McElroy]

Not the BO staff.

[Griffin McElroy]

But the whole human experience.

[Justin McElroy]

The whole human experience. Like you're having fun with it. You're not like, I don't know, never having a BO staff. You know?

[Travis McElroy]

My personal view of this is if someone has made a clear choice, that is a very visual thing. Like if I wear my suit jacket that's covered in like gold sequins. I didn't wear that so people wouldn't compliment it. You know what I mean? This dude's out here twirling his BO staff with his sick moves walking down main street. He didn't do that. To blend in. That he wants you get noticed and perhaps complimented.

[Justin McElroy]

He's being impeccable with his word. I got my BO staff out. I want people to come tell me my BO staff moves are cool.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, tell him your BO staff moves are cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, to approach this from a different angle. Maybe he's on his way to kill somebody.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, maybe.

[Griffin McElroy]

And you just let him fucking go. Because he's carrying a weapon around and flailing it around because he's going to kill someone dead. And you just let it slide.

[Justin McElroy]

The presentation to challenge him to a fight.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wouldn't it? Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Griffin. Imagine you're a homicide detective and you get the call and you're like, okay, what's the murder weapon? What do we think it's like, guy came in with a BO staff. He was sick of shit. Like there's a level to which you even as a homicide detective would be like, holy shit. Really? Yeah, he killed him with a BO staff.

[Griffin McElroy]

Blunt impact trauma. Many, many hits. And he was humming Duel of the Fate the entire time. So I think we actually know our guy.

[Travis McElroy]

Cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can go home, clock out.

[Travis McElroy]

And it was kind of cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

It was cool.

[Justin McElroy]

I had to admit it. Not to him, but I did. Hey, thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you liked it. Did our best.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, we did our best and we had a good time. And at the end of the day, that's all that really matters. But it would also matter to us a great deal if you'd come see us live. If you live in Atlanta or near.

[Travis McElroy]

Or you're willing to travel.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you're willing to travel. Atlanta is beautiful this time of year.

[Travis McElroy]

It's a Delta hub.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, we're going to be there for DragonCon doing stuff there this weekend. We're going to be there doing the Adventure Zone. It's Taz versus Popeye, which I'm very excited for, and my brother, my brother and me, all during Dragon Con in.

[Travis McElroy]

Atlanta and Dragon Con events, too. We'll put that up on our Macro family Instagram so you can see where we're going to be in every.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you are going to be at that mbmbam show in Atlanta and you have a question you want answered or a fear you want read aloud, email it to mbmbamaximumfund.org and put Atlanta in the subject line and we'll consider it. We got other shows coming up too, in San Antonio and Austin and Utah and San Diego. You can find ticket links and everything at bit ly McElroytours.

[Travis McElroy]

Also want you to know we've got a back to school sale going on. It runs through August 31st with select items up to 40% off. We got three different back to school bundles on sale. Check that out and you get a free mystery pen with purchase of $30 or more. 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to world central kitchen. McElroymerch.com thank you to Montaigne for the.

[Griffin McElroy]

Use of our theme song My life is better with you. Check out Montagne's new album, It's Hard to Be a Fish. If you haven't already. It's got so much, so much wonderful music to offer you and it's all right there and you can just listen to it. Do we have a fear?

[Travis McElroy]

We do. Griffin, will you read it this week?

[Griffin McElroy]

Sure thing. Here it comes. Just gotta shrink this big tab of you guys.

[Justin McElroy]

Out of the way.

[Griffin McElroy]

Get outta here. Brothers. What is this? Get out of there. You still there?

[Travis McElroy]

Yep, it's right here.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cool. Here it goes. This year I will be faster than my fear of being bullied at the farmer's market.

[Justin McElroy]

My name is Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm Travis McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

My brother.

[Justin McElroy]

My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips.

[Theme Song Singer / Montaigne]

It's better with you, my life. It's better it's better with you it's better my life Ah, it's better, it's better you. Is it true? It's better, it's better with you. It's better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

Maximum Fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

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