MBMBaM 780: Face 2 Face: Good Will Horsing

Summary

My Brother, My Brother and Me Ep. 780: Face 2 Face: Good Will Horsing

Date: September 16, 2025
Hosts: Justin McElroy, Travis McElroy, Griffin McElroy
Location: Live show (Paramount Theatre, Austin)

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Overview

In this infectiously chaotic live episode, the McElroy brothers bounce between classic bad advice, raucous audience participation, and the introduction of new recurring segments. The evening’s energy blurs the line between straight-faced advice and a highwire comedy revue. From new game show shenanigans ("Portmanwoe") to wild digressions about Shaquille O’Neal, their trademark blend of sibling rivalry and surreal improvisation is front and center. The episode is peppered with memorable audience moments (including an all-timer prank answer), live banter, and bits that left both the crowd and hosts in fits.

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Key Segments and Discussion Points

Opening Banter: Halloween Costumes and VR Adventures

(01:22–04:15)

• Griffin laments his ill-fitting teenager Halloween costume:
  • “I am absolutely busting out of this teenager’s Halloween costume.” (01:36)
• Travis and Justin recount a recent VR adventure fighting skeletons and goblins with their show team, teasing Griffin for missing out due to parenting duties.
• Hilarity ensues as they react to projected VR footage, roasting each other's fighting style.
  • “You guys look so inactive. There we go... The most nonchalant fantasy heroes of all time.” – Griffin (03:26)

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Travis’ Game: Portmanwoe ("Portman—Woah!")

(04:33–09:36)

• Travis launches a new portmanteau-based game show:
  • “The original, the name of this game was actually ‘sometimes words sound like other words: the game.’” – Travis (05:34)
• Questions devolve into absurd guesses, confusion, competitive energy.
  • First clue: “What would they call the park if Walt had written Mickey and Friends to be pickup artists?”
    • Justin: “Ms. Mystery Land.” (Incorrect)
    • Travis: “The answer is risenyworld.”
  • Second clue causes a comedy spiral over mac ‘n cheese portmanteaus.
  • Last clue: "Pleasuring oneself at top speed."
    • Griffin: “Baiting.” [He wins.]
• Justin: “Travis, your games are not my favorite games, but I will kick as much ass at them as I possibly can.” (05:28)

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Audience Q&A Part 1

(09:43–10:19)
Topic: The difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas

• Listener has been waiting years to share the difference with friends but never gets the chance.
• The brothers riff on methods to bring up beans/chickpeas in conversation.

[MEMORABLE MOMENT] An Audience Member’s Prank

(12:27–13:06)

• Jesse, the question asker, gets to the mic and delivers the classic, off-color punchline:
  • “The difference is, I wouldn’t pay to have a garbanzo bean on my...” (13:06)
• The McElroys realize they fell into a perfectly set-up joke, erupting in laughter:
  • "Jesse gave us all the clues. We walked right into Jesse’s trap." – Justin (14:13)
  • “That was fucking entrapment.” – Griffin (14:01)
• The energy resets; McElroys laud Jesse for the expertly-executed setup.

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Adult Life, Trampolines, and the Aging Body

(15:25–18:34)
Q: How can a new homeowner make more time to enjoy their 10ft trampoline?

• The brothers commiserate, with Griffin describing “the stuff shifting around inside” as a 38-year-old trying to jump.
  • “If I bounce up and down too much, I feel stuff shifting around inside. That is so hugely worrying, so troubling.” – Griffin (16:42)
• Suggestions: Incorporate trampoline time into adult routines—take business calls, romantic evenings, etc., leading to bawdy and increasingly absurd suggestions.

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Justin’s New Segment: Shaq Watch

(18:45–31:03)

• Justin debuts “Shaq Watch,” a rapid-fire celebration of Shaquille O’Neal’s latest pop-culture exploits.
  1. Shaqalicious XL Gummies:
     • Shaq’s shoe-shaped gummies, “crafted to match his O’Neal’s appetite for bigger bites.”
       • “They are XL sized sneaker-shaped gummies and they’re a tribute to his larger-than-life personality and legendary shoe size of 22.” – Justin (20:09)
  2. Shackaroni Pizza now permanent at Papa John’s:
     • Griffin worries about Papa John’s future endurance, and laughs escalate.
  3. Shaq: President of Basketball (via Reebok):
     • “It’s true. [Reebok] announced Shaquille O’Neal as the President of Basketball.” – Justin (23:40)
  4. Pepsi Sneakers (with actual Pepsi Mini hidden in Shaq’s shoes):
     • The brothers dissect the practicality—and risks—of walking on a soda can:
       • “There are so many things on the ground that would puncture a Pepsi can on the bottom of my shoe.” – Travis (26:48)
  5. Shaq’s new watch line
     • “That watch looks big on Shaq.” – Travis (30:47)

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Audience Q&A Part 2

Reluctant Swimming Student

(31:13–34:54)

• A listener’s girlfriend wants to teach him to swim, he’d rather lounge.
• Travis quips about his own similar experience with his wife (a swim instructor), and the concept of “cross-stitching stores.”
• Griffin: “If Theresa falls into a cross-stitching store, she won’t die.” (33:38)
• The brothers ultimately counsel that knowing how to swim is a safety skill.

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Knife Smuggling at Work

(34:59–39:11)

• College student wants to sneak personal knives into work for professional sharpening.
• McElroys brainstorm wild methods (Charles Barkley "knife shoes"), discuss knife sharpening as a trade.
• Griffin: “Have you ever gotten a knife sharpened by a professional? [...] I felt like I was in, like, fucking Skyrim, guys.” (37:08)

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Live Audience Questions (“Good Will Horsing” and Others)

The Horse Ban

(45:26–49:32)

• Alyssa asks: How do I get my scientist colleague to unban horses from his research lab?
• It’s revealed no actual horses are present: the “ban” is on talking about horses, a rule imposed after debating whether "Red Dead Redemption 2" counts as a horse game.
  • “So you’re not saying that physical, actual horses are banned. You’re saying you can’t talk about horses.” – Justin (47:23)
• Madcap pontificating about the logistics of getting horses into a fourth-floor psychology lab.
  • “Horses talk about four floors the way that we talk about genies.” – Justin (47:44)
• Travis pitches the movie idea “Good Will Horsing”—about a horse solving blackboard problems.

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Hiding a Decade-Long College Journey

(49:39–54:45)

• Nora wonders when to tell her mom it actually took her 10 (not 4) years to graduate.
  • Detailed discussion about attending fake graduation, the perils of ceremonies.
  • “Going to a graduation ceremony for someone is the most self-sacrificial thing you can do for another human being.” – Justin (51:22)
  • Key advice: “You’re off the hook. This is never gonna come up again.” (53:41)

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Breaking a Streetlight Without Getting Caught

(54:45–58:21)

• Carson asks how to break a blinding streetlight outside her house that ruins sleep.
• The brothers propose various schemes, settling on "accidentally" throwing rocks ("Is it illegal to make mistakes?").
• Other suggestions: swapping bulbs, smart bulbs, and a community-wide rock-throwing amnesty.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Jesse, read the fucking room.” – Griffin, after the audience member hijacks the punchline. (12:43)
• “If the adult things keep getting in the way, start incorporating trampoline time into the adult things.” – Travis (17:28)
• On Shaq's gummies: “Shackalicious tells me nothing about the quality. Yeah, it tastes like Shaq.” – Travis (20:47)
• On new Shaq shoes: “What’s going on in the bottom there?” – Griffin on the Pepsi Mini shoe (24:52)
• “If you fall in the water, there’s always gonna be someone else there to save you. Not true at all.” – Travis & Justin (34:44)
• “Going to a graduation ceremony for someone else is the most self-sacrificial thing you can do.” – Justin (51:22)
• “Horses deserve to have careers in STEM as well.” – Alyssa, audience member (48:39)
• “Is it illegal to throw rocks? No. Is it illegal to make mistakes? No. So if you throw enough rocks for fun, you might eventually make a mistake. That is, we’ve all agreed, perfectly legal.” – Justin & Carson (56:31–57:03)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:22 – Episode opening and “child’s Halloween costume” anecdote
• 04:33 – Portmanwoe: Portmanteau game show
• 09:43 – Chickpeas vs Garbanzo Beans audience setup/prank
• 15:25 – Trampoline joy as adults
• 18:45 – Launch of Shaq Watch
• 31:13 – “How do I avoid learning to swim?” dilemma
• 34:59 – Knife-smuggling & sharpening schemes
• 45:26 – Live questions: horse ban in psychology lab (“Good Will Horsing”)
• 49:39 – “Do I confess my 10-year college?” saga
• 54:45 – Streetlight sabotage

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Final Thoughts

This live episode encapsulates what MBMBaM does best: blending heartfelt, often useless advice with inventive games, audience pranks, and off-the-rails nonsense. Between unforgettable audience moments and the loving lampooning of celebrity Shaq-branded products, the episode is a strong showcase for both the brothers’ improvisational chemistry and their willingness to let the audience in on the joke. Whether you crave advice, chaos, or portmanteaus about Natalie Portman, this show delivers.

Signature sign-off:
“My name is Justin McElroy—
I’m Travis McElroy—
I’m Griffin McElroy—
This has been My Brother, My Brother and Me; kiss your dad square on the lips.” (59:33–59:39)

Transcript

[Justin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts.

[Griffin McElroy]

And.

[Travis McElroy]

Their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert.

[Griffin McElroy]

But if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

[Travis McElroy]

Also, this show isn't for kids, which.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mention only so the babies out.

[Travis McElroy]

There know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool, baby?

[Musical Performer]

1, 2, 3, 4. It's the start of something beautiful A small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into a precious friendship I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life it feels like my.

[Griffin McElroy]

Life.

[Musical Performer]

It'S better it's better with you.

[Griffin McElroy]

My life.

[Musical Performer]

It's better it's better with you this is true it's better it's better with you My life Ah.

[Justin McElroy]

It's better with you hello and welcome to My Brother, My Brother main advice show for the Modron era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middlest brother, Travis Big Dog.

[Griffin McElroy]

Woof Woof.

[Travis McElroy]

Vroom, vroom. McElroy. Still scary.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin Bill Fordtoff McElroy. And I am absolutely busting out of this teenager's Halloween costume.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, this has been a kind of an ongoing narrative. Somehow Griffin's costume has shrunk and it is just getting worse and worse for him.

[Griffin McElroy]

We have two more Live My Bim Bims. And then I think I'm just gonna like fucking Lou Ferrigno my way out of this thing on stage.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm riding high today, ready to do a great show. Because today, my oldest brother and I, along with Rachel and Amanda, who helped put on our live shows, Wynton did a VR adventure where we fought some goblins and skeletons and spiders and stuff.

[Justin McElroy]

True.

[Travis McElroy]

And it absolutely ruled. Unfortunately, Griffin couldn't be there cause he decided to have kids.

[Justin McElroy]

What a loser. Today. Today. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Big announcement. We done done it again.

[Justin McElroy]

I just wish Griffin could somehow experience it. Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, my God. Jocelyn, good news. We have video from it.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, excellent. Can we wait to see this?

[Audience Member]

Why am I bloody get it?

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, shit.

[Griffin McElroy]

Guys, what is this?

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, no.

[Justin McElroy]

Come on. Ah. Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Whoa.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, I got killed there. That's me getting killed by a big axe. If I was really in this situation, I would die many times.

[Travis McElroy]

I learned.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

You guys look so inactive. There we go.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, there we go. Look. We're surrounded.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, look at that's how we look.

[Griffin McElroy]

The most nonchalant fantasy heroes of all time.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, Travis told us he figured out he could hurt guys just by wiggling it. So he started wiggling it more, please.

[Travis McElroy]

You have to say wiggle his sword. You can't just say wiggling it. That video. That video does not show the moment where I attempted to jump back from getting hit by a swinging ax and fully just went over a crouched down Amanda like she was half of a schoolyard bully push scenario.

[Griffin McElroy]

You guys looked even cooler in the real life footage than in the video game footage.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, somehow, right?

[Travis McElroy]

And Griffin, let me tell you, the sweatiest I've ever been in my entire life.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's surprising even a little bit.

[Justin McElroy]

The lady came in afterwards with the towel and I was almost. Please let me. I'll go clean my own equipment. Thank you so much. You have to do this. This is an advice show and we are going to take your questions and turn them alchemy, like into wisdom.

[Travis McElroy]

But first.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh God, really?

[Travis McElroy]

Papa's got a brand new game. Let's see it, boy.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, shit.

[Travis McElroy]

Welcome everybody to Portman. Woah. The hottest new game show with your Travis McElroy. That's me.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, I'm sorry, can we stop the music?

[Travis McElroy]

We stop this.

[Justin McElroy]

First of all, I hate this. He's been playing this game backstage with us. I hate to ruin it for you, but it's. He's been calling it Zero degrees to Natalie Portman. And basically he just says go. And then you have to say Natalie Portman as fast as you can. As fast as you can. It's like you don't even have to.

[Griffin McElroy]

Name a Natalie Portman movie.

[Justin McElroy]

You just have to say Natalie Portman.

[Griffin McElroy]

So it's not going to be.

[Travis McElroy]

You guys don't like it. Why do you keep saying Natalie Portman?

[Justin McElroy]

Because I don't want to lose. I mean, I want to lose.

[Travis McElroy]

Exactly.

[Justin McElroy]

As is always the case.

[Griffin McElroy]

Travis, your games are not my favorite games, but I will kick as much ass at them as I possibly can.

[Travis McElroy]

The original, the name of this game was actually sometimes words sound like other words. The game.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

But that did not test well.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, it wasn't.

[Travis McElroy]

So we changed that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Unlike this, which was universally, this got.

[Travis McElroy]

100% test rate with myself.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Great.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm going to give you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

The clue.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And you're going to give me the portmanteau I am describing.

[Justin McElroy]

All right. This is just your dirty games. But not dirty. This is like work of fart, but not dirty.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm evolving as an artist?

[Justin McElroy]

Don't you mean as a fartist?

[Griffin McElroy]

No, Travis, Justin, Dalton, Joe.

[Travis McElroy]

That's pure oil and beneath me. This is Portmanwell.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm evolving as an artist. Getting worse. Grow up. Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right. Classy.

[Travis McElroy]

All right, your first clue.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep.

[Travis McElroy]

What they would have called the park if Walt had written Mickey and Friends to be pickup artists.

[Griffin McElroy]

Walt Disney World. No, this isn't. No, this is not work of art. It's not work of fart. And I'm really sorry. Cause it's probably not Walt Disney World.

[Travis McElroy]

No, thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't fucking buzz me, Paul.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, so is it a.

[Griffin McElroy]

Better be careful, Jess, or Paul's gonna.

[Justin McElroy]

Fucking buzz you on your own podcast. Griffin, that doesn't sound right.

[Travis McElroy]

This is my game show, not your podcast.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay? Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Great man. Great energy.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

What they would have called the park if it was for pickup artists instead of about Mickey Mouse.

[Travis McElroy]

No, Mickey and friends were pickup artists, but yes.

[Justin McElroy]

God dammit, Ms. Mystery Land.

[Travis McElroy]

It's a poor manteau.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, man. I gotta tell you, Trav, work at FART was a lot cleaner.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm gonna say it and you're gonna.

[Travis McElroy]

Be like, travis, you're actually a genius. That's great.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you wanna hear the answer?

[Justin McElroy]

Is the answer. Travis, you're actually a genius. That's great. Cause I can get out ahead of that.

[Travis McElroy]

No, the answer is risenyworld.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, you don't have to give him the correct answer. Like he made the game so, like they don't throw a fucking parade for Ken Jennings every time he says what the answer is on Jeopardy. You know what I mean?

[Justin McElroy]

Technically he says what the question is, but yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Damn it.

[Travis McElroy]

Get him. Second Port Ben Woe.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Three podcasting brothers.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey.

[Travis McElroy]

Release a boxed pasta dish.

[Griffin McElroy]

Release a boxed pasta dish.

[Travis McElroy]

A pasta dish in a box that you can make for dinner.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hamburger. Hamburger. Stop.

[Travis McElroy]

My brother.

[Justin McElroy]

My brother. And macaroni and cheese.

[Travis McElroy]

And me. No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Kraft Mackelbrother and.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, you were close.

[Griffin McElroy]

Kraft. Kraft.

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck.

[Justin McElroy]

Stop it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Macel. Brony and cheese.

[Travis McElroy]

Judges.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Who's giving it to you? Macaroni and cheese.

[Justin McElroy]

Macaroni and cheese is like a third one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Literally exactly what it's called.

[Justin McElroy]

No, no. Mac. Travis said macaroni. You put in bro. And put in another one. That's like a third joke in there, Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Awesome. I'm so good at this game. Thank God.

[Travis McElroy]

Our final poor man Woe. Are you ready?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Pleasuring oneself at top speed. Faster.

[Griffin McElroy]

Baiting.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Griffin wins.

[Justin McElroy]

Does he? I Mean, does he? Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

That's been Poor Man Woe with your host, Travis McElroy in no notes.

[Justin McElroy]

No notes. In 2024, I finally discovered the difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas. This information is so funny to me that I need to tell everyone I know. The problem is, in order for that difference to really hit home, the conversation needs to come up organically. There are friends I have been waiting a full year to tell, and no matter how many times I throw garbanzo beans and chickpeas into a conversation, they never wonder aloud what the difference is. How can I get people to ask me this question more often in a way that feels natural? That's from Beanbud in Austin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you here? Hello?

[Justin McElroy]

I don't know the difference.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, well, I'll tell you. One's beans, one's peas.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't trust that.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, no.

[Travis McElroy]

Sometimes they call things, things that aren't things. Peanuts. No, they're legumes.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think anyone colloquially sort of calls them legumes.

[Justin McElroy]

We talked backstage about how much it would delight us to not for jokes, but just kind of wonder aloud what the difference is. Just to really torture you. I don't know why it's the perfect opportunity, and I'm not gonna ask.

[Travis McElroy]

I assume garbanzo beans are inherently cooler. Like, when you see one, you're like, ooh, ooh.

[Griffin McElroy]

I bet that has a more fun person. Who asked this question. Would you feel comfortable coming up to the. We have a microphone, and usually we wait till the end of the show to do audience questions, but it does feel. Hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, wait, wait. It feels a little bit like if we don't.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you don't want to do it, just remain silent.

[Travis McElroy]

Now here they come.

[Justin McElroy]

Completely.

[Travis McElroy]

Are you coming down? Okay, kick ass now.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, don't wait now. Wait. Hello. What is your name? If you feel comfortable, give us your name.

[Audience Member]

Hello, my name is Jesse.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi, Jesse.

[Travis McElroy]

Hi, Jesse. I'm going to set you up. You ready?

[Justin McElroy]

No, wait. No, wait. Don't set Jesse up. Here's the thing.

[Travis McElroy]

They asked. They said they wanted the question.

[Justin McElroy]

I know, but we have to be talking about it, and Jesse's got to find the window.

[Travis McElroy]

You're right, you're right, you're right.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, so we're going to be talking, Jesse. You'll know it when it comes, but you've got to be able to. Okay?

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't miss the window, too, because we.

[Travis McElroy]

I swear to God, we are three straight white men.

[Griffin McElroy]

We will talk right over. You have to work very hard to.

[Travis McElroy]

Get a word in here. I got it. I got it.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Can you just.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Justin. Justin.

[Justin McElroy]

She.

[Travis McElroy]

Then she left me. She said it was over.

[Justin McElroy]

Sad as that is. This hummus is delicious. I can't tell, though, if it's chickpeas or garbanzo beans.

[Travis McElroy]

Basically the same thing, right?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, there's no difference. It's basically a homonym. And that's. That's the truth of the matter. Anyway. Next conversation subject.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I'm getting divorced, so actually, I.

[Audience Member]

Can tell you the difference.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, what? Wait. Between getting divorced and not getting divorced.

[Griffin McElroy]

What kind of lonely life.

[Justin McElroy]

No, wait, no. Do you remember a few minutes ago when we were talking about homeless? I think Jesse is referencing that instead of your divorce, which is clearly what we're talking about.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm just trying to open up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesse, read the fucking room.

[Justin McElroy]

All right, Trav.

[Travis McElroy]

But now I do need to know, because this is what mine and Denise's major fight was about. The difference between garbanzo beans and chickpeas.

[Justin McElroy]

Go ahead, Travis. I told you, you just tortured yourself.

[Travis McElroy]

At this point, man. It doesn't matter what the difference is. It does matter, Justin. It matters to me.

[Justin McElroy]

Go ahead, Jesse. He can take it.

[Audience Member]

The difference is I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my.

[Travis McElroy]

That's gonna do it for us.

[Justin McElroy]

Jesse, if we.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesse, if we had known.

[Travis McElroy]

That what.

[Griffin McElroy]

You were going to do would be the funniest thing that's gonna happen here tonight, we honestly probably would not have invited you to the microphone. We definitely kept that for ourselves.

[Travis McElroy]

Two more minutes of showing. We gotta put it at the top of the show.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesse. That was fucking entrapment.

[Travis McElroy]

Jesse, you didn't put the punch. This wasn't an audience question that was submitted. You didn't put the punchline in there. You were just going to have these three dingleberries.

[Justin McElroy]

Jesse gave us all the clues. We walked right into Jesse's trap. Jesse gave us all the clues. We just sprang it. The perfect.

[Travis McElroy]

The.

[Justin McElroy]

It was like one of those locked room mysteries, like, how is Jesse going to get out of this one?

[Travis McElroy]

Jesse?

[Griffin McElroy]

I did. Jesse. I didn't. I couldn't understand backstage why this would be such a. It was get a. Such. So stuck in your crawl. Why you would be waiting on fucking tinter hooks to illuminate what the difference is between these two. But now I absolutely and definitely and totally get it.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm a 41 year old person who has been making comedy on the Internet and existing on the Internet for many years. And I don't know what it says about my level of naivete that when I saw this, I thought the difference must be really interesting.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesse, just by a show of cheer, do you feel like you've gotten it out of your system now, though?

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, the anecdote has expanded so you now have more on roads. Right? So now people just need to bring up podcasting or us.

[Travis McElroy]

Right? And then you can be like embarrassing three CIS white dudes.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, funny story about that. Hold on one second. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's the difference between. This is gonna seem like a tangent.

[Justin McElroy]

But thank you so much, Jesse. Fantastic. I am 31 years old and I just bought my first house with my partner. At our housewarming party, my sister gifted us a 10 foot trampoline, fulfilling a longtime dream of being an adult that has their own trampoline to use whenever they want. We love our trampoline, but I find that I am not jumping on it as often as I had wished due to work or other adult type things that ruin fun. Brothers. How do I make sure that I get in time to bring back the childlike wonder to my life that I so crave? That's from aspiring aerial adult in Austin, Texas.

[Travis McElroy]

Are you here?

[Griffin McElroy]

You're up high. That's appropriate. That works.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't wanna.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't wanna seem like a downer, But I think 10ft is too high for a trampoline to be. Yeah, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

That doesn't seem safe or regulation.

[Griffin McElroy]

Honestly, there's not a safe, safe trampoline. Guys like you can put one of those two inches off the ground. Like, life finds a way.

[Justin McElroy]

I guess that's true. Now, Griffin, are you a trampoline fan?

[Griffin McElroy]

We have a trampoline at our house.

[Travis McElroy]

In D.C. a smooth transition.

[Justin McElroy]

I call it a tramp position.

[Griffin McElroy]

That doesn't make any fucking sense. And it is cool. Like the kids wear themselves out on it, which I really like, but they also want me to jump on it sometimes. And I don't know how to tell them that as a 38 year old man, like, stuff is looser inside of me than it is in them. And that if I bounce up and down too much, I feel stuff shifting around inside. That is so hugely worrying, so troubling.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I could bounce the wrong way on a trampoline and it's just. That's. That's it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Your stomach, that's the ballgame. Like an old dog. And then that's. That's a wrap on juice.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. One of the organs ends up in the wrong place and that's it.

[Travis McElroy]

It'll happen.

[Griffin McElroy]

It happens every day.

[Travis McElroy]

I think the solution to your problem is if the adult things in your life keep getting in the way of trampoline time.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Start to incorporate trampoline time into the adult things in your life. For example, important phone meeting or zoom conversation. That could be done on a trampoline. Easy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

That's a powerful business intimidation tactic.

[Justin McElroy]

Is the laptop, like, resting on the trampoline or what?

[Griffin McElroy]

Popcorn it, baby.

[Justin McElroy]

You're just popcorning it up. Like, oh, one other thing, Derek.

[Travis McElroy]

And we got itemized a romantic evening with a partner that could be done on a trampoline.

[Justin McElroy]

Easy how? Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Explain what you just said because it doesn't sound right to me.

[Travis McElroy]

Coordination, lots of practice, and a willingness to embarrass yourself.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool and important and grown up. Travis, thanks for. Thanks for once again bringing us.

[Travis McElroy]

But that's what romance is, isn't it?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. It's got its ups and downs.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, wow.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. While we're doling out the high fives.

[Travis McElroy]

Tonight, man, it's like a Paul Hollywood handshake. But it's a Travis high five.

[Justin McElroy]

It's even more meaningful.

[Travis McElroy]

That's true.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, we're all getting into some new stuff tonight, and I have a new segment that I would like to do for you guys.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm excited.

[Justin McElroy]

It's brand new, and to celebrate it, I made. I had some extra time today and I started messing around with, like, Canva, and I tried to do an intro and outro for it. And I'd like to show you the intro for it if I could.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck, yeah, man. Let's see it. Whoa. Who is that?

[Travis McElroy]

That's Shaq. Whoa. Hi.

[Justin McElroy]

Welcome to Shaq Watch. Welcome to Shaq Watch. I'm ace reporter Justin McElroy. I wanted to tell you guys about the latest and greatest in Shaq news. But there's honestly so much going on with Shaq right now that it actually.

[Travis McElroy]

Is a great time to be Shaq.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a good. It's a great time to be Shaq. It's even better time to be a Shaq fan. Let's check in on our first story with the Shaqalicious XL gummies.

[Travis McElroy]

Those are his shoes.

[Justin McElroy]

Those are Sha. No, Travis, those are gummies that look like Shaq shoes. Are you kidding me right now with this? This is why Shaq won't come on the show. It's because of garbage like this. No, Travis, those are gummies that are shaped like Shaq shoes. They're a New addition to the Shaqalicious gummy line. And it's brand new. Like it's just coming out right now. They're shoe based on Shaq's shoes because he's also a shoe entrepreneur. We got three different flavors here. Strawberry, mango, and lime. And they're crafted to match his o' Neill's appetite for bigger bites and bolder flavor. They're XL sized sneaker shaped gummies and they're a tribute to his larger than life personality and legendary shoe size of 22.

[Griffin McElroy]

So there's just three big gummies in that bag.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I say, as a purveyor of portmanteaus.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Jackalicious tells me nothing about the quality. Yeah, it tastes like Shaq.

[Justin McElroy]

Following its launch in 2024, Shackalicious XL Gummies became Hershey's number one sweets launch of the year with over 11 million units sold. The line. Yeah. The line, including these new sneaker shaped gummies was ideated, developed, and taste tested by the big man himself.

[Travis McElroy]

Developed. He was in the lab. Shackalicious mixing it up. Shackalicious started with big ideas.

[Justin McElroy]

Make candy that's bold, fun, and full of flavor. Now we're stepping it up with sneaker shaped gummies and three wild new flavors for gummy lovers everywhere, Said Shaquille o'. Neal. I've been a part of this from the start, from the flavors to the shapes. Yes, Shaq has helped come up with the shapes, which to this point have included a cactus, Shaq's face, a four leaf clover, and now three shoes. Thank you, Shaq.

[Travis McElroy]

Not a Shactus.

[Justin McElroy]

What.

[Griffin McElroy]

Of all of those?

[Justin McElroy]

I don't know why this is the.

[Griffin McElroy]

One that's bumping for me, but why a cactus?

[Travis McElroy]

Cause it's a Shachtus.

[Justin McElroy]

Cause he's the big cactus and the big shamrock. The big Shachtis man. Thank you. Okay, next story. Don't worry about Shackaroni going away, guys. Cause Shackaroni is now on the menu forever.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's quite the promise. Shaquille o'. Neal.

[Justin McElroy]

Shaquille o'. Neal.

[Travis McElroy]

You couldn't get him a better sign for the photo.

[Justin McElroy]

He made it himself. Shut up. Originally launched as a limited time offering in the summer of 2020, the Shackaroni quickly became an item fans eagerly waited to enjoy year after year. Thanks to its extra large size, extra cheese, and extra pepperoni, the Shackaroni isn't just a pizza. It's a slam dunk. O' Neill said. I'm pumped. I'm pumped that it's now here to stay. It's big, it's delicious, and it brings people together, just like pizza should. To welcome shackaroni to the Papa John's core menu, o' Neill is sending shackaronis to organizations supporting important causes. Hopefully it's more of a coupon deal instead of him taping them up in a box and mailing them to the Boys and girls club.

[Travis McElroy]

Here's 100 pizzas to say thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

The idea of it being eternally on the menu, I do have a problem with one. It suggests that Papa John's will be around until the heat death of the universe, which seems like they've weathered too many storms to achieve that.

[Justin McElroy]

That's an interesting point, Griffin. Here's another interesting point. Did you realize that until the end of his term, Shaquille Odile is currently the President of basketball?

[Travis McElroy]

It's true. Wait, why?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes. Reebok.

[Travis McElroy]

I didn't know that was a position to be held. Just.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

I haven't been doing any effort towards campaigning.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes. Unfortunately, in 2023, Reebok appointed Shaquille O' Neal to president of basketball. So he has two more years at his term. By my math, Reebok, the iconic and irreverent sports culture brand, announced longtime brand partner and legendary hall of Famer Shaquille o' Neal as the President of basketball.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, if Reebok didn't give the other brands a chance to weigh in, it's not a presidency so much as a dictatorship.

[Justin McElroy]

That's true.

[Travis McElroy]

He has been declared. This was a basketball coup.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

Throughout his epic 19 year career, O' Neill redefined the dominant big man role. Tearing down backboards and racking. I bet they hate that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, for sure, man.

[Justin McElroy]

I bet they just hate the dickens out of that.

[Griffin McElroy]

They have to stop the game and everything.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Even if they keep extra ones around, which only so many. Right. At a certain point, it does take a while to change. How.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Now, how is Shaq using his incredible power as the president of basketball in this partnership with Reebok, you ask? In one of the most unhinged things I've ever seen in my entire life, Paul, let's see the shoes.

[Travis McElroy]

Huh?

[Griffin McElroy]

What is.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, what's what?

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, hold on, hold on.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait. What's going on in the bottom there?

[Justin McElroy]

I'm going to tell you, my eyes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Keep darting around to different incredible details.

[Justin McElroy]

Right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right now I'm stuck on the sneaker.

[Justin McElroy]

In the 1992 Pepsi partnered with Shaquille O' Neal and Reebok for the first time. A celebration of the man who was Taking Orlando in the league by storm. Fast forward 32 years and Shaq is as buzzy as ever. Recently showing love to Pepsi Minis with 90s icon Skilo and having his magic number 32 race to the rafters last week. Big Diesel continues to be at the center of sports culture. Now Pepsi is collaborating with Shaq on the Pepsi sneaker. I don't know, man. Pepsi sneaker custom built Reebok pump. Shaq's attack courtesy of the.

[Griffin McElroy]

Too many words. That's a lot of words, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Curtis, I'm not done. Okay, the name of it is Pepsi's collaborating with Shaq on the Pepsi sneaker. Custom built Reebok pump. Shaq attacks courtesy of the shoe surgeon. Yeah, I don't.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't want anyone off the street cutting secret Pepsi holes into my shoes. I need someone who went to shoe medical school for 12 years.

[Travis McElroy]

Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with my spine? Well, let me see the bottom of your feet. This has happened a lot lately. Yep, yep, there it is. Another Pepsi can.

[Justin McElroy]

These aren't just another pair of custom kicks, though. These are size 22 Reebok. They're tailor made for the larger than life shack who loves Pepsi Minis so much, he wanted us to be able to bring them with him to enjoy wherever he goes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so if you try to board an airplane with one of these on your feet, all.

[Travis McElroy]

Here's the thing. This solves a problem that doesn't exist. How to get a can of Pepsi somewhere.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right.

[Travis McElroy]

What it creates is a multitude of potential issues. There are so many things on the ground that would puncture a Pepsi can on the bottom of my shoe. And the idea of suddenly taking a step and just Pepsi spraying all around me as I explain. Listen, I was trying to sneak a can of Pepsi in the bottom of my shoe. Yes. I will go straight to prison. Thank you so much.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it a platform situation or like an internal high heel? Because the Pepsi is where foot traditionally goes.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, this is the thing. He has a size 22 foot because the middle of it's concave. And all the extra foot went out to the side.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right.

[Justin McElroy]

With the help of the shoe surgeon, an original pair of Reebok pump Shaq attacks has been retrofitted to fit a full Pepsi mini.

[Griffin McElroy]

True story about one pair of shoes.

[Justin McElroy]

No, it's a feat only possible due to the mammoth size 22 shoe. The Pepsi sneaker allows Shaq to tow.

[Travis McElroy]

You just keep saying the shoe surgeon, by the way, and not giving any details as to what that could possibly.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, listen, Trav, if you don't know who this shoe surgeon is going in, they are not going to be able to make you care about it right now. The Pepsi sneaker allows Shaq to tote around a Pepsi Mini can so that he can enjoy a crisp and refreshing sip of Pepsi or Pepsi zero sugar whenever the urge arises.

[Travis McElroy]

Guys, be unaware of pockets.

[Justin McElroy]

If I fucking saw Shaquille o' Neal and we were just talking, he's like, hold on a second, old chap. And he's like, pops up his leg on top of his knee and he's like. And that's the opening of the shoe. That's just a shoe. And then there's another. That's the can.

[Travis McElroy]

That's cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool.

[Travis McElroy]

Action. He has to release the air.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool that you think that's the sound that that would make after walking around on your soda can all day.

[Justin McElroy]

An additional 22 shoes will be available for fans to cop this week via a one time Pepsi sweepstakes. Some of shoes surgeon's key features include Reebok's iconic pump has been turned into the Pepsi globe. The colorway features Pepsi color. Palette Pepsi has been a core part of my career since the moment I joined the NBA, says Shaquille o', Neal, president of basketball at Reebok. That's what heavy is listed as my partnership.

[Travis McElroy]

It should probably be like an Irish accent because of like o'. Neill.

[Justin McElroy]

That would be. I know my partnership with Pepsi means it's more like me now. Means so much to me because we're always out here having fun, innovating, bringing the noise. Now I'm pumped that I never have to be without my Pepsi Mini cans. I think it really sucks that they put this press release out and not have one picture of Shaquille o' Neal holding a Pepsi Mini. I'm furious. Paul, I need our best people on this to see if you can find me an image of Shaquille o' Neal holding a Pepsi Mini like me playing dollhouse with my kids, please. No, actually, Paul, don't waste your time with that because we have to move on to our next story. This one, Paul. I just want to Shaq watch the time as part of Shaq watch. I want to Shaq watch the time Shaq got pushed into a Christmas tree. Chuck, don't cheat. Don't cheat, Chuck.

[Griffin McElroy]

You just love Shaq watching Shaq and.

[Justin McElroy]

Push it to a Christmas tree. Yes, I put it in the shack Watch.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, it's great. We should have a button on our stage. Anyway. Anytime we do a live show, we can press. When the energy starts to flag, you get to see.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I also point out Shaq A clause once again?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. He can't be stopped. And last Shaq Watch story. Do we have the image? Paul of the Invicta is working with Shaquille o' Neal for a multi year, multi platform deal in his own line of watches.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I tell you what is it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right on the 10. That's great.

[Travis McElroy]

Freaking my being. Justin.

[Justin McElroy]

What is it, Trav?

[Travis McElroy]

That watch looks big on Shaq.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Think about that for a second.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

The tendons in his arm are actually stretching so badly right now. It's 35 pounds. He's doing everything he can to keep it alive.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm trying to imagine how that would translate to my own dainty Riz.

[Justin McElroy]

Thanks for this week's Shaq Watch.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you to you.

[Justin McElroy]

My girlfriend is determined to teach me how to swim. I'm not interested in learning. She used to be a swimmer and even worked as a swim instructor for a while. So she thinks she can teach me. But I swear I sink like a rock anytime I get in the water. How can I convince her that I don't need to learn how to swim and that I just want to lounge by the side of the pool? That's from Dry Land dweller in Dallas.

[Travis McElroy]

Are you here?

[Griffin McElroy]

I've. We've been doing this for a long time. I have never heard two people shout in response to that question. And one of them go, no.

[Justin McElroy]

What on God's green earth?

[Travis McElroy]

What the fuck is happening? Are you.

[Justin McElroy]

No, I want singer. I want to try it again. Okay. And just the one would be grand. Are you here? Hi.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hi.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi. Hello.

[Griffin McElroy]

Tough to come back from that moment. Give us a moment to process.

[Justin McElroy]

I love to float around. I love to splash around. So this is a little bit hard for me to relate to. But I can't remember a time when I didn't float. I've always been very floaty. It's. I don't. And that's my privilege. You know what I mean? And I've never really checked it.

[Travis McElroy]

Floating and he'll die.

[Justin McElroy]

You know, we are born knowing how to swim. It's one of the best baby facts. You chuck a baby in there, it'll figure it out until a point.

[Travis McElroy]

No way. Don't shuck a drink.

[Justin McElroy]

No, I'm not saying you should. Obviously we do have an intro just for that. Even though dad is kind of turning it into a bit of a one act play. And we Maybe need to like bring it back a little bit.

[Travis McElroy]

Travis says he's a sex thing in a way that made me.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, we don't need to turn it.

[Travis McElroy]

Into a whole Noel Coward thing, man.

[Justin McElroy]

We can just go ahead and say the intro.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, this is very personal for me because Teresa was a lifeguard and swimming instructor for many years and I am not great at swimming. Good enough, I would say, to survive in the day to day scenarios I find myself in.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think I've swimmed with you in forever.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't care for it. There's many things I can do that other people can't. It's fine. I'm better at cross stitch than Theresa is and you don't hear me making a big deal about it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, but okay, but wait, if Theresa falls into a cross stitching store, she won't die.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you, Griffin. Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

There is a certain safety concern where that information will not become immediately life or death important.

[Travis McElroy]

When I was about 19, Justin and I went whitewater rafting with some of our friends. I went under the water. I've never been good at holding my, like holding my breath underwater without holding my nose. I went underwater, starts to go up my nose. I'm going all tossed around. And you know what thought crossed my mind? Well, this is death. I was at peace, Griffin. Yeah, I was fine. I wasn't struggling. And then a powerful hand reached down. It was my older brother Justin who grabbed the back of my life jacket, which was ineffective, and pulled me back basically up onto the boat. And I learned, Van Griffin, that I might not know how to swim, but other people will save me. And I better just rest on that.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, he did learn the wrong lesson, to be fair. Yeah, I don't think he got that.

[Griffin McElroy]

He gave Justin a great gift in giving him his own Schlitterbahn hero moment.

[Travis McElroy]

All I'm saying is if you fall in the water, there's always gonna be someone else there to save you. Not true at all.

[Justin McElroy]

Demonstrably untrue. A lot of bad advice getting bandied about here is this. This evening.

[Travis McElroy]

Throw your babies in the water, throw yourself in afterwards. You going to be fine.

[Justin McElroy]

You got to be careful with this podcast. It's often incorrect. A lot of people will want to forget that. Once a month, the restaurant I work for hires a professional knife sharpener. I'm a college student and obviously I can't hire my own professional knife sharpener. So I need to figure out a way to get my all my personal knives into work. Without anyone noticing. Also, how should I transport the aforementioned loose knives? That's from Dahl in Dallas. Are you here? Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

So can I interest you in some Charles Barkley knife shoes? They're special shoes Charles Barkley made where you can fit 13 knives into them.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you remember his? Great.

[Travis McElroy]

But then what do you do with the 14th Griffin?

[Griffin McElroy]

The four? Oh, are there 14 knives? You carry that one in your hands, and people will look at you and say, I'm scared. You say, what? Till you find out about my 13 knife shoes.

[Travis McElroy]

How are you a juggling?

[Justin McElroy]

I actually think exfiltrating the knives is harder than getting them in.

[Travis McElroy]

Right?

[Justin McElroy]

Cuz, like, how do you explain the knife sharpener? Like, I'll put this one in this bag over here. Here, let me hold on to those.

[Travis McElroy]

Wet my beak with some of these sharpeners.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you think just out of politeness, you would just. You wouldn't put all of them in at once? Right. They would be, like, in a groove, sharpening, and you just kind of like, slide one of your knives in when they're not really paying attention.

[Travis McElroy]

One for them, one for me. No, you don't understand. I gotta wet my beak.

[Griffin McElroy]

I also, I know that working with dull knives is more dangerous than sharp knives, but I do think that smuggling dull knives in a big bag is probably safer than smuggling a big bag of very, very sharp knives.

[Travis McElroy]

Knives, you're going to need a big hunk of cork.

[Justin McElroy]

Ooh, Trav, do you know how to do the thing where you run the knife along the stick? You know the stick? Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

You know how to do that, Sweeney Todd, as we call it in the business?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

God, I hope that's not the vibe of the person who comes into your.

[Travis McElroy]

Place of being like, hey, Griffin, if you were good enough at sharpening knives that you were getting paid to do it, you don't think you're bringing a little of that heat in there?

[Griffin McElroy]

Have you ever gotten a knife sharp? I've gotten a knife sharpened by professional here in Austin at, I think the Mueller farmer's market. On Sundays, there is someone who will sharpen your knives. And we would go for other stuff, and obviously not knife sharpening. But after a while, I was like, yeah, I guess the knives are getting a little dull. Brought it in. I felt like I was in, like, fucking Skyrim, guys. It was so cool, you know, as.

[Travis McElroy]

They'Re sharpening it and they say, like, the curve of the blade, like, love her. You know, that kind of vime.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hold RT for a power attack against the Goblin King. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

The Goblin King. Like a lover.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes, I.

[Justin McElroy]

You know, you may not be able to afford a professional knife sharpener, but perhaps you go to the professional knife sharpener and you say, hello, I don't have the money to pay you, but if you are willing to take me as an apprentice, I will work underneath.

[Travis McElroy]

You and I will learn your ways.

[Justin McElroy]

My heart is pure. And then you go to your boss like, hey, this dude, he's charging 100 bucks an hour. I will undercut him 20 bucks, no problem. You bump my pay up a little bit, like 5% a year.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm a professional knife sharpener, too, but also boss. Not yet, because I did just start the apprenticeship. Don't. Hey, don't tell him.

[Justin McElroy]

Don't get rid of him yet, because I do need to learn all the tricks of the trade.

[Travis McElroy]

And when you see me come in with him, act like you don't know me. Okay? The knife sharpener is not going to.

[Griffin McElroy]

Go the extra work because, you know, the knife sharpener takes all those extra metal scrapings home to make bonus knives.

[Justin McElroy]

I can't. I cannot imagine how much extra paprika the professional knife sharpener is putting on the sandwich to make it look like you need to pay someone to come and sharpen your knives for you. There must be a whole presentation about it that makes it seem.

[Travis McElroy]

If I was a professional knife sharpener and I worked for a restaurant, I would get a really convincing knife disguise. And then I would show up at that restaurant every day and just really abuse that knife as hard as I could. Just, like, have my own stone. I'd try to cut up and then be like, this needs to be sharpened. Sneak away. Because that's good business.

[Griffin McElroy]

It would be great to have any kind of practical skill at all. Yeah.

[Musical Performer]

Is better. It's better.

[Travis McElroy]

Hi, everyone. We may sound a little bit different to you because we're coming from a magical space, a cyberspace, a Squarespace, if you will.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're on stage in San Antonio.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, but people don't need to, Griffin. They don't need to.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's never been a better time to start using online. And Squarespace is the diving board you can use to get your face wet in the water oven. Don't jump in now. Don't jump in. Don't say, I'm gonna take a backseat on these ads and then jump it. Don't wave your hand in front of your face like it's a fart.

[Travis McElroy]

Smart. Can I tell you, sometimes groove me. It's really hard to be the first one to Speak. We all sat here for silence and I was like, we're in cyberspace. And you're like, no, that's dumb. And then you started saying your thing and then you said, get your use the diving board of Squarespace to get your face wet.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, okay.

[Justin McElroy]

For the record.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then Justin made a fart smell.

[Justin McElroy]

I wasn't making a PPU waving away. That was wafting. I was enjoy.

[Travis McElroy]

No, that was a definite wave away.

[Griffin McElroy]

It makes me so angry because every.

[Justin McElroy]

Time I listen to find vintage, when.

[Griffin McElroy]

I listen to other podcasts, their ads are all like direct experience. And we've used Squarespace to make so many websites and it is easy to make things that look like you know what you're doing. We could speak for hours about that of our direct experience.

[Justin McElroy]

And yet we don't agree to be that vulnerable.

[Travis McElroy]

Griffin, when you talk about how important.

[Justin McElroy]

Squarespace is to me, we've explained so many times how great Squarespace is and how all the different templates are great. I think the best, most important thing we can do for Squarespace now is show how supportive they are of artists. Which is what? Every time. Like, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do art. And when Squarespace pays for it, that shows people that the company supports art.

[Griffin McElroy]

It doesn't say this in the ad copy, but they should put. We are single handedly keeping my brother, my brother and me, the podcast afloat.

[Travis McElroy]

That's true.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

So head to squarespace.com mybrother for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code mybrother all one word to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Please. They have been so supportive. It's time to give something back.

[Griffin McElroy]

At the airport to fly out here, my young son wanted to play a tornado game on his iPad. And I'm not going to say the name of it for reasons that'll be clear later, but he wanted the poop tornado skin. But to do that, you had to either play or get a VIP membership for $6 a week. A week? A week for the poop tornado. And I was like, yeah, I'll remember to cancel that, folks. I'm telling you right now, I'm not gonna remember to cancel that. And that's why I depend on rocket money to catch all the $6 a week poop tornadoes that my 4 year old son did.

[Justin McElroy]

You, Justin, did you really wanna spend $99 a week on Fidget Spin Poop Challenge? No, I don't I don't.

[Griffin McElroy]

I do not. Thank you so much, Rocket Money. I'm glad someone's paying attention to this stuff, because I simply don't have the bandwidth.

[Justin McElroy]

Rock. I don't know who taught the kids the screen, but it wasn't Rocket Money.

[Griffin McElroy]

No.

[Travis McElroy]

And Rocket Money, if you're listening, might I suggest a feature where when I sign up for one of those games for my kids and I'm looking at the button, you just know it and text me like, hey, it's Rocket Money. I got you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't worry.

[Travis McElroy]

Don't worry, man. Go ahead and click the button. It says seven days. I'm gonna remind you in six days.

[Griffin McElroy]

You'Ll be bored of the poop tornado in 15 minutes, and then I'm gonna hit you up. Rocket Money doesn't just help you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. They do do that, and they do it really well.

[Travis McElroy]

They do.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you. And they do monitor your spending as well. And they can help you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. It shows you all your expenses all in one place, including all the subscriptions to Fart Piano and Fart Tornado you forgot about. And Rocket Money's gonna help you cancel all of those.

[Travis McElroy]

Does the Fart Tornado come from playing fart piano too much and too fast?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $700 million $40 a year when they use all the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com my brother. Today. That's RocketMoney.com my brother. One last time. RocketMoney.com mybrother you guys want to try and do this promo with British accents?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, of course.

[Audience Member]

Let's do it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. Okay. Ify you go.

[Justin McElroy]

Oy, bro. This is TV Chef Fantasy League.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fantasy league.

[Audience Member]

Fantasy League.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, Sierra.

[Audience Member]

We take cooking competition shows and treat them like fantasy sp. Like a newscaster.

[Griffin McElroy]

Very posh. Right now we're doing the Great British Bake off or the Great British Baking show, if you're listening from the U.S.

[Audience Member]

Oh, that was really soothing.

[Justin McElroy]

You chose like, a priming proper.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you, Downton Abbey. Thank you. Okay, if.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think you have the best accent. You want to take us home?

[Justin McElroy]

Subscribe to TV Chef Fantasy League on Maximumphone.org and wherever you get your podcasts. Better than my Boston one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hi, everybody.

[Travis McElroy]

It's Ellen Weatherford and Christian Weatherford.

[Guest Speaker]

People say not to judge A fish by its ability to climb a tree.

[Travis McElroy]

But we can judge a snake by its ability to fly, or a spider by its ability to dive, or a.

[Guest Speaker]

Dung beetle by its ability to navigate with the starlight of the Milky Way galaxy.

[Travis McElroy]

On just the zoo of us, we rate our favorite animals out of 10 in the categories of physical effectiveness, behavioral ingenuity, and, of course, aesthetics.

[Guest Speaker]

Guest experts like biologists, ecologists, musicians, comedians, and more join us to share their unique insights into the animal kingdom.

[Travis McElroy]

Listen with the whole family on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right, we are going to call some folks down to the microphone. You should know where it is at. It's where Jesse lit our ass up earlier in the show. If we don't call you down, please don't come to the microphone. Hello. Angle the mic down and just talk. Right.

[Travis McElroy]

And if you want to give us your name and if you want to, your pronouns, and then give us your.

[Griffin McElroy]

One sentence question or more sentences.

[Justin McElroy]

You don't have to do lots of sentences.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hello.

[Audience Member]

Hi, my name is Alyssa Shehert.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi, Alyssa.

[Audience Member]

So my question is, how do I get my scientist colleague to unban horses from his research lab?

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so obviously elicit this one. This one. We have a. A heuristic set up on our email account to flag most horse based content.

[Audience Member]

Of course. Yes, of course.

[Griffin McElroy]

So you're gonna need to explain to us 1. What kind of science is being performed.

[Justin McElroy]

We honestly can't be honest with you. We're not gonna be able to help with this one. We are just kind of curious why the horses got banned first place. I'm gonna be honest. Like, I just kind of want to hear how the horses got banned.

[Audience Member]

That is completely fair. We are psychologists.

[Griffin McElroy]

Not what I was expecting, Alyssa. At all. I thought you were gonna say, like, we're equine biologists of some sort.

[Travis McElroy]

Alyssa, talk, please.

[Audience Member]

So I'm not. He's here with me, by the way.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, unban horses. Done.

[Justin McElroy]

Now go on now. What happened? I said do it. Okay, sorry. I need to hear what happened to get horses banned. Please, go ahead. No. Okay, go ahead.

[Travis McElroy]

We'll meet after this shot in the podcast.

[Justin McElroy]

Go ahead. Please stop. Travis. I just want to hear, please.

[Audience Member]

I think it's a series of events, but I think the investigating factor was we got in a discussion about horse video games.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

And video games for horses.

[Justin McElroy]

Did you bring a horse into the lab?

[Audience Member]

No, but I. I mean, I want to now, man. We got into a discussion about horse video games and I won an Argument that Red Red Dead Redemption 2 is a horse game.

[Griffin McElroy]

Absolutely, it's a horse game.

[Audience Member]

Thank you. Thank you. And I think it made him so upset that he just.

[Justin McElroy]

Just.

[Audience Member]

He just had to ban horses. We can't talk about.

[Justin McElroy]

So you're not saying that physical, actual horses are banned. You're saying that like, you can't talk about horses.

[Audience Member]

You can't talk about horses.

[Travis McElroy]

Horses.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't care about that.

[Audience Member]

This is.

[Griffin McElroy]

Alyssa, I can.

[Justin McElroy]

I thought you had a horse there.

[Audience Member]

I want to bring a horse in, but I can't.

[Travis McElroy]

Is it a second floor lab?

[Justin McElroy]

It is.

[Audience Member]

It is a. On the fourth floor.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, then you're not allowed to bring horses.

[Justin McElroy]

You can't bring horses on fourth floor anywhere. Horses talk about four floors the way that we talk about genies, you know, like they don't believe in them. It's like a magical thing they heard from a friend.

[Travis McElroy]

There is no method of getting the horse up here that the horse would enjoy.

[Audience Member]

We have large elevators. We can. We can do it.

[Travis McElroy]

So you're telling me you put a horse. No, no, no, no.

[Justin McElroy]

The scientists who banned horses can't be.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like, we have a freight elevator. We could get a horse in there if we wanted to.

[Justin McElroy]

Forgotten your perspective?

[Travis McElroy]

You might have an elevator large enough for a horse. But there is no amount of arguing you could do that would convince me that if you put a horse on an elevator and once it started going, the horse would think, yeah, I'm fine with this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, this is great.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm going with this.

[Travis McElroy]

This is not a weird experience at all for me. Sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

Which way am I going? Up. That's crazy. I've never gone up before.

[Justin McElroy]

I didn't know there was an up.

[Audience Member]

That's fair. But, I mean, horses deserve to have careers in STEM as well.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, but, Alyssa.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, we sent a horse to college. We get.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, don't lecture to us about horses in education.

[Griffin McElroy]

Alyssa. I apologize if we lashed out at you. There was much discussion backstage of just like, how did a horse get in there? And how many Erlenmeyer flasks did they trample beneath their mighty hooves?

[Justin McElroy]

So I'm sorry.

[Travis McElroy]

It was a thing where the horse walked up to the blackboard where there was a problem that your partner couldn't solve, and then the horse did it and then went back to being a janitor, and they were like, holy shit, this is Goodwill. Horsing is the movie I'm working on.

[Justin McElroy]

And so if we had known it was on the fourth floor, we would have never taken this question, because obviously you can't have a horse on the fourth floor. I hope you understand. Thank you so much for your time. Did that help? Maybe. Yes. Okay, fair enough.

[Travis McElroy]

I think Justin was right.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you so much. Thank you, Alyssa. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Alyssa.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hello.

[Audience Member]

Hello. I'm Nora. She, her pronouns.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi, Nora. How can we help?

[Audience Member]

At one point do I tell my mom that it took me 10 years to finish college, not four.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. I would suggest that you are already working at a six year deficit.

[Travis McElroy]

Right.

[Justin McElroy]

The clock is definitely ticking because we are six years behind the time when this news would need to get delivered. Right.

[Travis McElroy]

How long has it been since you actually graduated college?

[Audience Member]

One year.

[Travis McElroy]

So that's seven years total. What does your mom think you were doing for that extra six years?

[Griffin McElroy]

Working.

[Travis McElroy]

But you weren't working?

[Griffin McElroy]

I was working. Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, well that's no problem.

[Justin McElroy]

Were you working on a surprise gift degree for your mom in secret? Like that's why you couldn't tell her. Like at Christmas when you can't tell your parents the pottery you're making because it's a surprise gift. Was this a degree, maybe a surprise gift for your mom?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think they let you go to college for someone else.

[Justin McElroy]

It's just Griffin. It's just an idea, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

How did this become a ruse that you deleted? Was there a jump where you were like. They were like, hey, congratulations. And you were like, oh, fuck. Thanks. And then for seven years you just kind of had to spin those plates.

[Audience Member]

So I was supposed to graduate in December of 2018, but I walked in May of 2018 because they don't have graduation official graduations in December, so. And then I didn't graduate in December of 2018. My whole family went to this graduation ceremony.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh my God.

[Travis McElroy]

No, wait, hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

Did you walk?

[Griffin McElroy]

I walked.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, that's good.

[Justin McElroy]

That's way better.

[Travis McElroy]

Guess what, Nora? You did graduate. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Nora, I. I don't know how to tell you this, but like, and this is so something, I feel like we as a culture do not talk about. Going to a graduation ceremony for someone else is the most self sacrificial thing you can do for another human being. I would rather go to a funeral or a wedding or anything than a graduation. You know how long it's going to take? Nobody knows.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

And unlike a wedding, I don't know, most of the people at center side.

[Justin McElroy]

They pull into hour three and you're still there. And you know when they're gonna stop?

[Griffin McElroy]

When they get to zzz.

[Justin McElroy]

That's when.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. And at Funerals, they don't make you watch them bury, like, 200 other people first.

[Justin McElroy]

200 strangers and one person you give a shit about. Honestly.

[Travis McElroy]

And they say, like, don't cry until we get to the end so that we kind of cry for everyone all together.

[Justin McElroy]

I had to go to Riley's law school graduation. Double dip my shy with. Saw you graduate college, pal.

[Travis McElroy]

Come on. So was that shoes? Was it a thing where you needed, like, one more credit, and then you just said, I'll get to it after the next leap year?

[Justin McElroy]

What was the last thing? What was, like, Was there one dangling thing? For me, it was Spanish. I failed Spanish. I had to go to college for five years.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. I had one credit left, and it took you, Nora.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm sorry.

[Audience Member]

One class. Sorry.

[Justin McElroy]

What's.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's the last.

[Audience Member]

I had to take US History.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, I can see why you wouldn't want to engage in that during that time period.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. 2018 to now.

[Griffin McElroy]

That is very much like the snakes at the pet shop in Pee Wee's big adventure of, like, U.S. history. I'll get to you.

[Travis McElroy]

It's gonna get easier, right? There's gonna be a time where the.

[Justin McElroy]

No, no.

[Griffin McElroy]

Was there. How often did this. How often did you feel like you had to lie about sort of your collegiate experience while talking to your mother?

[Audience Member]

Whenever she was around, when people asked me why I came to Austin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. That seems like something that would come up from time to time. Yeah. Well, it's not an issue now, right?

[Audience Member]

No. She still doesn't know.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, guess what, Nora? Oh, off the hook. It doesn't matter. You don't ever have to tell her.

[Justin McElroy]

It's done.

[Travis McElroy]

She was there when you graduated. This is never gonna come up again. You're off the hook.

[Justin McElroy]

Tell her on her deathbed. Listen, listen. What you gotta do is play this podcast for her. She's gonna be laughing so hard.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

When we get to this part, it's gonna be like. Yeah, it's gonna be Star Trek.

[Griffin McElroy]

Does she like Shaq?

[Justin McElroy]

Not a big Shaq fan. Loves Jesse, though. It was canceled Jesse. Early in the show.

[Griffin McElroy]

Alyssa, I think you're in the clear. I. I think you're fine. I think you could bring it up like a. And by the way, I didn't even graduate back then.

[Travis McElroy]

You remember?

[Griffin McElroy]

Not an issue.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, you tried to mention it back.

[Griffin McElroy]

No problem.

[Travis McElroy]

I remember.

[Justin McElroy]

I thought I told you.

[Travis McElroy]

Does that help?

[Audience Member]

So, yes, it does, because I. Apparently, I should casually gaslight her.

[Justin McElroy]

No, no, no, no.

[Griffin McElroy]

God, no.

[Travis McElroy]

When you put it that way. It's actually called Nora. It's called shack lighting. Now we don't.

[Justin McElroy]

He hates that. He took.

[Travis McElroy]

He took it over.

[Justin McElroy]

He asked that we not do that. Does that help?

[Griffin McElroy]

It does. Thank you. Thank you so much, Nora. Hello.

[Guest Speaker]

Hello. Hi, I'm Carson. She. Her pronouns.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hi, Carson.

[Guest Speaker]

My question is, how do I break a streetlight without going to jail?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. So we had some debate about this.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. So we kind of just wanted to know why you want to Rick a streetlight. Carson.

[Guest Speaker]

So it's in front of our house, and we've lived there for three years. My husband's up in the balcony way up there.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, how's it going?

[Griffin McElroy]

What's up?

[Guest Speaker]

That's Will, and I thought you meant.

[Travis McElroy]

Lived on the balcony of your house. Sorry, I missed a few person there.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think he stares at the streetlight like a moth. All day and night.

[Travis McElroy]

He lives on the balcony. He knows what he did.

[Griffin McElroy]

He keeps reaching for it. And I'm like, no, it's hot. You'll fall. Don't.

[Guest Speaker]

This is why I need it broken.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. He just loves this streetlight. So. So is it. Is it a nuisance street light?

[Guest Speaker]

It is like a sun in front of our house, and we had to get blackout curtains for the entire front of our house. And it's still hard to sleep. There was one month that it was broken, and it was the best month of my life.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, but what about all the crimes that you will be subjected to when there is darkness to surrounding your home?

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't worry, man.

[Justin McElroy]

You made yourself a massive target. You got that? That's definitely the house I'm going to. The one that broke out their own street light. Yeah, I doubt they got adt, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you under the protective umbrella of a moon tower? Because that's. That's going to cover you from. From any ne' er do wells. As long as the moon tower is.

[Justin McElroy]

Illuminated, you don't need to break it. Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

You need to shimmy up there with some reflectors. You're going to shape the way the light shines into a perfect spotlight.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

On your front porch. That there's like no crime here. But not your windows.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, Carson, I have two. Two questions. Is it illegal to throw rocks? Yes or no?

[Guest Speaker]

No.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. Is it illegal to make mistakes? Yes or no?

[Guest Speaker]

No. No, it's not illegal. Illegal.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, so it seems like you could. If you threw enough rocks for fun, you might eventually make a mistake. That is, we've all agreed, perfectly legal.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Guest Speaker]

Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right. I am a. I am A. I am a police officer trotting up to your house on a big.

[Justin McElroy]

I sat through a law school graduation for three hours. Folks, I know my ways around the law. I just want to hear.

[Griffin McElroy]

Justin, if an officer does pull up and say, hey, we've had reports that you've been throwing a hundred rocks out of your.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm not talking to you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Woo.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't know who threw the rock.

[Travis McElroy]

You could also just.

[Justin McElroy]

Carson didn't throw the rock.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, are you Carson's lawyer now?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, no, I'm near. I'm across the street. Like, I don't know who threw it. One.

[Travis McElroy]

Carson. Yeah. Make everybody on the street throw a rock and nobody can pick up. I am Carcinicus. I threw the stone.

[Justin McElroy]

I. Mrs. McGinty threw it. We all hate the light.

[Travis McElroy]

Just shimmy up there and put in a lower wattage bulb.

[Justin McElroy]

That's nice.

[Travis McElroy]

Carcinius. Yeah, just put like a 40 watt up there. Still a little bit of light, but not too much.

[Justin McElroy]

Put in one of those smart bulbs.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, there you go. You can change it. Change the color from your house.

[Justin McElroy]

That way your house can get robbed in a nice Christmasy light.

[Travis McElroy]

Everyone in the neighborhood can be like, oh, looks like they're watching a scary movie.

[Justin McElroy]

You're screaming from that house for Halloween. No, that's just Carson getting robbed again. Carson, does that help?

[Guest Speaker]

That helps.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much, Carson.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, everybody.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey. Thank you all. So, so. Again. Thank you for coming to see us. Thank you to the Paramount once again for having us. It's a genuine honor to be back here. Thank you to Paul and Amanda and Rachel.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you to wonderful Rachel McIlroy and Griffin McIlroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you to our dad, Clint.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you to our dad, Clint, who is right now watching our kids back at the hotel. Cause he's a sweet man and a great grandpa.

[Travis McElroy]

And thank you to John Barlow for this amazing poster for making us.

[Griffin McElroy]

We signed some of them again. I do believe we are sold out of the Paul Sabor Memorial Canned Food Drive Challenge coins. But you can still donate some money to the Hope Food Pantry, Austin out in the lobby. Thank you to Montaigne for the use for a theme song, My Life is Better with you. It is a great track. And I've got a fear here. Yeah. I would love for you to read this final fear here in 20 Thunder Drive.

[Travis McElroy]

This year I will be faster than my fear that any of the Minions will be killed off in future movies.

[Justin McElroy]

My name is Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm Travis McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

This has been my brother, My brother me.

[Justin McElroy]

Please kiss your dad square on the lips.

[Musical Performer]

It'S better, it's better with you My life It's better, it's better with you Is it true? It's better, it's better with you.

[Griffin McElroy]

It'S.

[Musical Performer]

Better with you.

[Guest Speaker]

Maximum Fun A worker.

[Griffin McElroy]

Owned network of artist owned shows supported directly by you.