MBMBaM 790: Face 2 Face: Frogspotting

Summary

My Brother, My Brother and Me Ep. 790: Face 2 Face: Frogspotting

Recorded live in San Antonio, Texas

Episode Overview

This episode finds the McElroy brothers—Justin, Travis, and Griffin—back on stage, blending trademark chaotic energy with audience participation and local flavor. The focus: freewheeling advice, surreal hypotheticals, and live games, with segments ranging from food debates to supernatural eBay finds and the main event—audience Q&A. The show features real questions, wild tangents, a few haunted dolls, and an existential struggle to spot frogs in the wild.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. San Antonio Adventures and Local Color (03:40–07:34)

• Justin recounts his morning explorations: from scooter rides (“like everywhere you’re going, it’s a little parade just for you” [04:10]) to a pilgrimage to the Japanese Tea Garden and the surreal Wonderland of the Americas (“a haunted house but for being sad” [06:03]).
• Travel mishaps: Justin’s Vespa journey nearly derailed by a chance encounter with a fan, Joe—who “held [him] accountable for [his] impact on the environment” (08:29).

2. Chili’s vs. Fancy Dining – Defending Chain Restaurants (09:38–13:00)

• A question about convincing a foodie in-law to enjoy Chili’s leads to:
  • A defense of adult chicken tenders, sampler platters, and the “good hang” (11:09).
  • Griffin: “You don’t have to just go to a restaurant for the food—sometimes you can go there just for the hangs.” (11:09)
  • Chain restaurant diplomacy: “Maybe try a pitch like, ‘You know what would be so wild and silly tonight? If we went to Chili’s.’” (13:08)
• Chopped-Style Chili’s Challenge: A hypothetical undercover cook-off with Ziploc bags of butters and spices under the table (14:10–15:53).

3. Magic (the Gathering) vs. Actual Magic (16:49–21:54)

• Embarrassing Barista Encounter: “I said I was going to qualify for regionals. They asked in what. I said, ‘Magic.’ ...They proceeded to get a lot more interested.” (16:49)
• How to deflect and embrace your nerdiness, or pivot and claim magic powers: “I think, if you say it with a solid enough chilling look, they’ll never talk to you again.” – Travis (19:04)
• Card trick advice and jokes about the mystique of Magic: the Gathering and sleight of hand (20:13–22:47).

4. Haunted Doll Watch (23:19–32:28)

• Live slideshow introducing “Holly the Pixie,” “Marguerite the fiercely protective mother spirit,” and “Bouchard, the best dude ever.”
• The brothers riff on the uncanny eBay world of “haunted vessel dolls,” including ideas for new horror films and mockery of the “keeper” title for owners.
• Griffin (about Bouchard): “If only I hadn’t been killed by that stray bullet...I love frogs, but I can never spot them in the wild.” (33:11).

5. Frogspotting – The Existential Quest (33:11–36:24)

• Listener asks: How to get better at spotting frogs?
• Brothers discuss the pride and heartbreak of amphibian encounters: “Every time I spot a frog, it feels like such an accomplishment… But the crushing defeat of someone else spotting a frog before I do.” – Griffin (33:49)
• Practice advice: “Bring a frog with you for practice.” – Griffin (34:06).
• Turtle-spotting digression; the animal kingdom as existential challenge.

6. Travest: Trav Nation Venture Capital (37:40–46:12)

• Travis introduces a “Shark Tank”-style segment for fake products like “beef travioli,” “the traff can” (a talking trash can), and “The Trav Wife online course.”
• Griffin: “If the next one is just this [the Traff Can] on a toilet, I’m walking off the stage.” (44:46)

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Audience Q&A Highlights

1. How to Avoid Mascots (54:46–59:08)

• Celia fears sports mascots: “For example, at a Spurs game, the coyote might approach me.” (55:32)
• Advice: Stay out of their limited peripheral vision—“They have like a 15-degree wide cone. You move to the left or the right, they don’t fucking know.” – Travis (58:45)
• Memorable moment: Discussion of scary mascot videos and local characters like “The Ballapeño.”

2. Knuckle Tattoos and Restaurant Orders (59:32–62:30)

• Sandy asks how to handle Taco Time tattoos in non-taco situations: “How do I explain to servers at Mexican restaurants that I might order something besides tacos?”
• Brothers joke about semaphore systems of indicating orders by tattoo, and the existential commitment a knuckle tattoo demands: “Maybe just buckle in and get some tacos. Sandy, you made a commitment.” – Travis (61:43).

3. The ‘Delicious’ Gas Customer (62:32–67:23)

• Amelia regales with a tale: “Can I have 25 delicious dollars on pump one?” (63:09)
• The brothers theorize: alien, ghost, or simply a man playing the long game of weirdness.
• Justin: “The ‘no’ would have been out of my mouth before I even thought about it.” (63:42)

4. Middle Name Mysteries (67:34–71:16)

• Bennett can’t spell his brother’s middle name; the rambling of three-letter family names leads to musings on gaslighting, gravestone inscriptions, and the dangers of oversharing your surname on-mic (69:22).
• Griffin: “Getting someone to write their middle name down sounds like how you trick Rumpelstiltskin into killing himself.” (70:00)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “A haunted house, but for being sad.” – Justin, describing the Wonderlands mall (06:03)
• “Adult chicken tenders—Chili’s has the guts.” – Justin (10:23)
• “Every card tells a story...Why is there mustard on the back of my Charizardos or whatever?” – Justin (20:55)
• “Every time I spot a frog, it feels like such an accomplishment. Like, ha, ha, got you.” – Griffin (33:49)
• “They have like a 15-degree wide cone. Stay out the cone.” – Travis, on mascots’ vision (58:45)
• “Maybe get a tiny tattoo that’s a question mark after ‘time’ for the Taco Time knuckle tattoo.” – Justin (62:00)
• “Can I have 25 delicious dollars on pump one?” – The mysterious customer, via Amelia (63:09)
• “Getting someone to write their middle name...sounds like how you trick Rumpelstiltskin into killing himself.” – Griffin (70:00)

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Timestamped Highlights

• 03:40 Justin’s Vespa adventure in San Antonio
• 06:03 The “haunted house but for being sad” mall
• 09:38 Chili’s saga begins
• 14:10 Under-table Chili’s chopped challenge
• 16:49 Magic vs. magician story
• 23:19 Haunted Doll Watch segment
• 33:11 Frogspotting question
• 37:40 Travest (Trav Nation’s fake startup pitch session)
• 54:46 Audience Q&A: Avoiding mascots
• 59:32 Taco Time knuckle tattoos
• 62:32 “Delicious dollars” gas station story
• 67:34 Bennett’s three-letter names & middle name dilemma

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Tone and Style

The episode is classic MBMBaM: fast-talking, hyper-referential, and self-deprecating. The brothers riff freely, swerve from advice into improv, and treat every question as both existential query and comic opportunity. The strong audience presence—especially live reactions and follow-ups—adds energy and a communal feeling throughout.

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For First-Time Listeners

Expect:

• Loose, absurd humor and honest-to-God attempts at advice.
• Recurring bits: eBay haunted doll “watch,” chain restaurant advocacy, surreal product pitches, and sibling in-fighting.
• Audience questions: real, personal, sometimes beautifully weird.
• Local flavor: shout-outs, personal stories, and on-the-ground travel anecdotes.

Skip the ads, but don’t miss the live energy, unscripted tangents, or the inexplicable commitment they all have to turning daily inconveniences into bits.

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Closing

The show wraps with gratitude to the city, logistical notes about merch and upcoming shows, and a characteristically silly final “fear to be faster than”:
“This year, I vow to be faster than my fear that Dennis Rodman will show up unannounced and throw money at me again.” – Griffin (72:51)

Final message:
The McElroys: rambunctious, chaotic, and reliably invested—if not in the fate of your soul, very much in the value of your day-to-day weirdness.

Transcript

[Travis McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts.

[Justin McElroy]

And.

[Travis McElroy]

Their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's up, you cool bab?

[Guest Performer / Singer]

It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed.

[Travis McElroy]

It's ripened into a precious friendship.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park. Hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. It's better. It's better with you. My life is. Ah. It's better. It's better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

This is true.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

It's better. It's better with two. It's better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello everybody and welcome. My brother, my brother. Main advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What's up Trav Nation? I'm your middlest brother, Travis. Big dog. Vroom, vroom. Wolf, Wolf. Mackerel.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's up Trav Nation? I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin.

[Travis McElroy]

30 under 30, media luminary.

[Griffin McElroy]

Belfort. Tough McElroy. And I regret to inform everyone that I've just realized my Lightning McQueen jumpsuit costume has shrunk dramatically in the wash.

[Travis McElroy]

From the last life. You've gotten bigger and musclier.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think so, muscles.

[Justin McElroy]

It's possible.

[Travis McElroy]

You didn't have it dry cleaned.

[Justin McElroy]

I didn't. It's like the idea of you bringing.

[Travis McElroy]

That to a dry.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's like halfway up my calf, man. Like it went up. It didn't go in.

[Announcer / Narrator]

It went up.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh no.

[Travis McElroy]

You accidentally. You wore Henry's.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, that's what it was.

[Justin McElroy]

You may have to have a costume change just like I did. Maybe it's time for you to re evaluate San Antonio.

[Griffin McElroy]

I hope you appreciate Justin's rocking a.

[Justin McElroy]

New steez just for you. I switched. I switched to the drive cosplay because I was informed during our last engagement that my.

[Griffin McElroy]

Which was in Atlanta, who was very mean to justice.

[Justin McElroy]

Very mean. Because they said that when I took my helmet off, my Speed Racer costume made me look like I was a Donald Duck. Bounding. Paul, do you have an image of my costume? So you all can be the judge of whether or not. I'm sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a nude photo, so we can't actually.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, it's pantsless.

[Justin McElroy]

They insert it out.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, so you've lost the ascot. So this isn't Very representative. But I have a red ascot and.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can actually, if you look at my jumpsuit in this picture, you can see how now it's riding up like.

[Justin McElroy]

It used to be big, way high.

[Travis McElroy]

And for some reason Tony hawk Pro Skater 2 was on the screen. Maybe we were playing that while doing show.

[Griffin McElroy]

We got fucking bored and just had to crank out some combos. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, well. So thanks, Paul. So I changed. I had kind of say a wonderful day in San Antonio, Texas. I got up, I got up at 6:30 because I had to say goodbye to my kids. And I realized, oh my God, I'm up. But luckily it was already 85 degrees here. Hell yeah. So I got out and I got a little. I rented a. You know, sometimes you can rent the little stand up scooters here in San Antonio. You could rent little Sit down guys.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Sit down.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like Vespas.

[Justin McElroy]

Like little Sit down Vespa, you can rent. It is hysterical to drive around the city. And because you're not allowed to drive on the sidewalk and you're also not, you can't go faster than 20 miles an hour, right? So it's like everywhere you're going, it's a little parade just for you, you know, like they get honk, they can get mad. You just wave like, I can't do anything other than this.

[Travis McElroy]

That is such a classic like comedy movie about just a real doofus in town who does that kind of thing. Like, oh, I'm so excited for this. And then everybody is stuck in traffic honking behind them and you watch it like, what a doofus.

[Griffin McElroy]

Tommy boy and his magic scooter. What a fucking goofball.

[Justin McElroy]

I definitely ended up on some roads that I should not have been on.

[Griffin McElroy]

In a little scooter just on a clover turnpike. Oh fuck. Oh fuck, I'm up so high. Jesus Christ.

[Travis McElroy]

I heard truckers like, oh, we got a baby's day out situation over here. He at this baby is just rolling free.

[Justin McElroy]

No, but it's great. I went to Archie's Coffee and then after that I went to Vella Coffee because I just wanted more coffee. And then I drove the Vespa out to the Japanese tea garden. Have you all been out there? Holy shit, it's gorgeous.

[Griffin McElroy]

I gotta say, your vibe real, your vibe just now though was not matching the vibe of the Japanese tea garden.

[Travis McElroy]

I disagree, Griffin. You didn't know when I went, I yell, holy shit.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, one of the.

[Travis McElroy]

This is an amazing tea garden.

[Justin McElroy]

One of the most beautiful places I've.

[Travis McElroy]

Ever been in my entire life.

[Justin McElroy]

It was incredible. And I followed that up with something just as majestic. A visit to the Wonderland of the Americas.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's right.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, listen, that is a singular place, guys. I loved it. Can I describe Wonderland of the Americas for you? So we've all got dying malls. I love a dying mall as much as the next guy.

[Travis McElroy]

Wonderland.

[Griffin McElroy]

Armal's been dying since it was born.

[Justin McElroy]

Wonderland of the Americas has the guts to just not go down without a fight. So you. You walk. You get dropped off at the most nondescript entrance possible. You then have to walk through a hallway of four of the most depressing businesses. Like, literally, it's like tissue replacement, sick kids store, bone health for veterans. Like, it's just like the sad. It's like a haunted house, but for being sad, right? And then you chuck all the way through it, and you swear to God, it must be closed. Everything's closed, right? But then you go upstairs, and it's like some of the coolest little stores and shops and everything is fantastic. But the bottom, they should rope it off or something, you know, like cask of amontillado style. Just break it off. Like, we don't have a downstairs. It's just cool shops upstairs, and then a very large. I mean, an insane Burlington Coat Factory. It looks like it was built by a fucking Sauron. What's wrong with you guys? But I had one more trip in the Vespa. I don't know if Joe's here, but Joe almost ruined the show for everybody. Travis ran into Joe before. Joe didn't know we were doing a show. Joe's staying at the same hotel we were staying at. And Travis told Joe, like, hey, we're doing a show. Come to the show. As I'm leaving, I don't have enough time to get to the venue. Oh, man. But guess who's still there. My Vespa is parked up front, so I'm like, okay, well, I got to. To make it to the show on time, right? Got to get the Vespa.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is how the Aerosmith roller coaster at Disney World starts, by the way.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I got to get the Vespa. So I get. I get the Vespa. And I'm like, all right, time to roll. Time to ride out for the show.

[Travis McElroy]

The edge of my seat.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah, I know.

[Justin McElroy]

I've got. I've got two bags that are balanced on the handles, right? I'm barely making it. And then Joe comes out, and he's like, hey, I'm really excited for the show. And it's like, oh, cool. It's nice to meet you. And then I'm like, kind of joke about how I'm about to ride a Vespa and help I live, blah, blah, blah. But then I realized, like, as I'm about to leave, I'm holding a can of coffee that I have just opened and I have absolutely no fucking plan. Yeah, like, I have no plan. And Joe, so what did you do? But Joe's right there, right?

[Announcer / Narrator]

No.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, what I had to do, Travis, I had to chug the entire coffee right then and there. Right?

[Travis McElroy]

So how is this Joe's fault? How is any of this Joe's fault?

[Justin McElroy]

Because if he hadn't been there, I would have just dumped it out, probably.

[Travis McElroy]

You know what I mean?

[Justin McElroy]

Like something. Or gone to a sewer.

[Travis McElroy]

Dumped it out in a sewer. Sir, Joe held you accountable for your impact on the environment. And somehow this is Joe's fault.

[Justin McElroy]

I would have recycled it.

[Travis McElroy]

As Joe's lawyer, I must object, sir.

[Justin McElroy]

As you've certainly guessed from my life choices, this is an advice show.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's better. Thank you so much, Paul. Very demonstrative.

[Justin McElroy]

Much better, Paul. Thank you so much, Paul. Excellent. Much better. Pick. This is an advice show and we are going to wait.

[Travis McElroy]

But for what era?

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, the mantra.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Thank you so much.

[Justin McElroy]

We're going to take your questions that you have submitted to us and turn them alchemy, like, into wisdom, as is our purview here on the program. I don't know if you've listened before.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're vamping because you forgot to unlock your iPad again.

[Travis McElroy]

And is that Joe's fault too, Justin?

[Justin McElroy]

You know, it could be hard trying to carry the entirety of the show on my shoulders. If you guys wanted to do any jokes, that would leave a little bit of padding for me to, you know, open up the document.

[Travis McElroy]

I went and got a massage today. It wasn't funny. It was just nice.

[Justin McElroy]

Go off, Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

I needed it because I deal with a lot of stress when my brother can't open the dock during the show.

[Justin McElroy]

That's enough. My brother in law refuses to go to Chili's with me, my husband, and my sister, his wife. It's my favorite podcast. He is a very talented and creative cook at home, so I think he feels like Chili's is beneath him. How do I convince him that $6 margaritas and a triple dipper are cool? And even though Chili's is in a five star establishment. That's from sister in law in San Antonio.

[Travis McElroy]

Are you here?

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesus Christ. I've never been scared by One of those before.

[Travis McElroy]

That's the energy of someone who has appreciated the great deal of Chili's tonight.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Have you been there and received amazing service and reasonable prices?

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, great things about Chili's, just to start off with one thing, is that Chili's has the guts to sell adults tenders. And I pretend like it's something else and they'll put a little bit of a fancy sauce in there. Like, oh, have you tried our elegant new bourbon tenders? It's like, nah, Nice try. I love it, though. Thank you so much.

[Travis McElroy]

Appetizer samplers.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, no, they do that.

[Travis McElroy]

Restaurants don't do that.

[Justin McElroy]

That's true.

[Travis McElroy]

Fancy restaurants won't give you one shrimp in a cocktail.

[Griffin McElroy]

And another thing is fancy restaurants will get mad at you when you get mad at them for not doing that.

[Justin McElroy]

That's true, Griffin. They get all snooty about it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I want the pate and the shrimp and the hush puppies.

[Justin McElroy]

Do them all.

[Griffin McElroy]

That was a crazy restaurant I just described that had all three of those.

[Justin McElroy]

Things on the menu.

[Travis McElroy]

Another thing I like about Chili's. Random on the wall.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that's fun.

[Justin McElroy]

That is fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

I, I, you don't have to just go to a restaurant for the food because sometimes you can go there for the, just for the hangs.

[Justin McElroy]

Just like a good hang.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like it seems like maybe the best hang at Chili's. You've got everything you need.

[Justin McElroy]

Like what? Griffith.

[Griffin McElroy]

Six dollar margaritas. Huge on the wall.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Covered that funny commercial with the barbershop quartet.

[Justin McElroy]

Baby, baby.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the one. What restaurants can you go to where you have an excuse to sing barbershop quartet because of the place you're at?

[Travis McElroy]

Also one of the few restaurants I've eaten at where I've had to been warned by the serving staff not to touch the plate that my food was on because it was a sizzling hot iron skillet.

[Justin McElroy]

Everything is sizzling.

[Travis McElroy]

They trusted me with that, though. That's a level of trust and responsibility that they gave me what amounts to a deadly weapon and said, he's going to be fine.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or maybe they're just like really, really hardcore into Applebee's and they are worried.

[Announcer / Narrator]

They'Re gonna get spotted.

[Justin McElroy]

You think that's crossing the line?

[Griffin McElroy]

You know how sort of protective of their turf those two businesses are.

[Travis McElroy]

That's why you settle on TGI Fridays right there between.

[Griffin McElroy]

No one ever dined at a TGI Friday.

[Justin McElroy]

They don't exist.

[Griffin McElroy]

Actually, it is a money laundering front.

[Travis McElroy]

But they'd be so happy to have.

[Griffin McElroy]

You Chili's is awesome because when you see it out in the wild, there's like. There's a Chili's in Austin that is like the meme Chili's. And that's great and all. We can all compare it to the other great restaurants in the area that a Chili's is at.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Sure.

[Griffin McElroy]

But when you're at an airport, uh, oh, hey, wait a minute. That Chili's is looking pretty good right about now, isn't it? When that Chili's is the only option next to a Panda Express and a raggedy looking Subway. Hey, wait a minute. Chili's here is fine dining in this moment.

[Justin McElroy]

Chili's to go presupposes that you're just here for the food.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Fuck yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

You know, you don't need to hang around for the ambiance. You're just here for the food.

[Travis McElroy]

Here's a bit of, like, actionable advice. Maybe try a pitch like this. You know what would be so wild and silly tonight?

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

If we went to Chili's. Can you imagine? And then you get him there and you're like, that food. It's pretty good, isn't it?

[Announcer / Narrator]

That's how everyone who you enjoy the ambiance.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's how everyone gets.

[Travis McElroy]

Here's a gift card, Todd. It's for $5,000.

[Justin McElroy]

Let him go. Okay. Before he leaves, let him fill a Ziploc baggie with spices and butters and herbs.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Cool.

[Justin McElroy]

And one knife.

[Travis McElroy]

But just one bag.

[Justin McElroy]

Just one. Okay. He could have four bags.

[Griffin McElroy]

Four bags of butter, spices, and one.

[Announcer / Narrator]

And a knife.

[Justin McElroy]

Spices, fats, salty, sweet. Knife in a bag. Knife in a bag. Butter, salt. That's three bags.

[Travis McElroy]

Some rope in there. That's like a serial killer. Cannibals, like, set up bag.

[Griffin McElroy]

But please finish, Finish the thought.

[Travis McElroy]

Bag will be empty.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Because that's for leftovers.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

But I didn't know if you guys had stuff for that.

[Griffin McElroy]

I have no idea where our brother is going with this whole run. And I. I'm really.

[Justin McElroy]

You're also going to have an induction cooktop. So you're gonna arrive and one of you will put on the Ted from Chopped Voice and it's like, okay, here's your mystery basket. It's jalapeno poppers from TGI Fridays or wherever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now bust out your spices and your butters and your knife and your empty bag for mixing.

[Audience Member Bennett]

Yeah, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

That's what it's for. It's for mixing.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, okay.

[Justin McElroy]

And try to, like, up. We're gonna, like, upcycle it, you know, What? I mean like so.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then boost it when the server comes by.

[Justin McElroy]

No, that's the game they can't see cause they will be hurt.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so when the server, they're feeling something. When the server comes by and sees your brother in law under the table going they can't.

[Travis McElroy]

And smoke starts to rise up and.

[Griffin McElroy]

Then they're like, hey, sir, what the fuck are you doing under there?

[Travis McElroy]

This is a Chili's.

[Justin McElroy]

He says, oh, I'm gushing up the.

[Travis McElroy]

Entrance in a bag to make it better. Says, God damn it. Another chop style game in our restaurant. This is the fourth time.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Didn't I do.

[Justin McElroy]

I didn't say you can't be seen doing it in the setup. I said they can't catch you doing it.

[Travis McElroy]

So the side they catch you doing it, you guys are getting the one masturbating under here. Leave me alone.

[Justin McElroy]

You're inventing the one thing that can't happen in this game, okay? If it does happen, it is secretly all participants is a failure.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah, yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're secretly cooking on an under table induction cooktop and mixing motion bag.

[Justin McElroy]

Right? And then there's no way.

[Travis McElroy]

You have steps.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's no way you have more to this.

[Travis McElroy]

There's more steps.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's no way.

[Justin McElroy]

Dude, everybody eats it. If you guys hadn't put on so much mustard, I could have just said everybody eats it and moved on with our lives. Yeah, you know you guys have to pull over the car for a few words.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is there a rule that the server can't see anyone eating it?

[Justin McElroy]

You literally can't see the eating. The eating has to. That you have to see. Okay? Because I need them to be able to eat.

[Griffin McElroy]

The server's gonna come by and see you eating your hot mush, your hot egg roll mushroom.

[Justin McElroy]

If they clock it, you lose.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, cool.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, lose what?

[Travis McElroy]

Win what?

[Announcer / Narrator]

The game.

[Travis McElroy]

What are the stakes?

[Griffin McElroy]

Did you not even pay attention to the fucking question? Travis, My brother in law wants to play a high stakes secret undertable chili slot.

[Travis McElroy]

Winner takes all. No holds bar Deathmatch.

[Justin McElroy]

Art doesn't need. Art doesn't need more.

[Travis McElroy]

It says right here, if they catch.

[Griffin McElroy]

Us eating the sloppy glop, then he loses. So fucking pay attention next time.

[Travis McElroy]

You're right, it's my fucking fault.

[Justin McElroy]

Art doesn't need. I have a favorite local coffee shop across the street from my apartment complex. Recently, one barista started a conversation asking what my plans for the day were. For some reason, maybe tired brain. I decided to overshare and stated, oh, I'm on my Way to qualify for regionals. They asked in what? I said, oh, it's for magic. They proceeded to get a lot more interested and said, that's super cool. I love magic. What kind of magic can you do? Yeah, you guessed it, Friends. I was actually talking about going to a Magic the Gathering event. So I just said, cards.

[Travis McElroy]

You were impeccable with your word.

[Justin McElroy]

You honored your first agreement. That is true.

[Travis McElroy]

I believe the record will show I did not lie, you, Honor.

[Justin McElroy]

I did not lie. But I said. They asked if they could show him a card trick since no one was in line. But I just said, sorry, but my.

[Travis McElroy]

Backpack was in the trunk. Can you imagine if you had made the backpack appear right then?

[Announcer / Narrator]

Hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

You said that your magic was cards, and then you said your backpack was in the truck. It's cards.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Like, why it's cards. They're in your pocket, right?

[Travis McElroy]

They're very large cards.

[Justin McElroy]

They're just huge novelty cards.

[Travis McElroy]

That's the magic.

[Justin McElroy]

I juggle them with chainsaws. It's the whole thing. Anyway, brothers, what kind of card tricks can I quickly learn in case they remember and ask again? That's from I Just Want an Iced Coffee in San Antonio.

[Travis McElroy]

Are you here? All right, fair enough.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you for not scaring me.

[Justin McElroy]

That was amazing.

[Griffin McElroy]

You may be a barn owl sitting in the distance. That's cool, too. I'm a barn owl who just qualified for regional at Magic the Gathering.

[Travis McElroy]

If they ask you again, say, well, I qualify for regional. And now I have to save my mana points for when I perform tricks at.

[Griffin McElroy]

And what do you think? How will they receive that sentence that you just said out loud?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Announcer / Narrator]

What do you think the response to that sentence is?

[Travis McElroy]

I think if you say it with a solid enough chilling look, they'll never talk to you again. Travis is right, actually.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you say I can't because I'm saving up my mana points, this will not be.

[Travis McElroy]

The problem here is, I realize mana points is also a thing in magic, right?

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, hold on.

[Travis McElroy]

I meant more like I'm casting magic tricks using my magic points.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, but you're not. They didn't think you're an actual wizard from Final Fantasy Ass Magic Time, but.

[Travis McElroy]

They don't know how magic works because the rules of magic say I can't tell them how I do my things.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you think that the issue here was.

[Travis McElroy]

I didn't think anything, Griffin. I was doing a fucking bit. I was doing a fucking bit for our audience to enjoy with comedy jokes. I'm a grown man. I was a National Merit Scholar, sir.

[Justin McElroy]

Cards.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm trying to be funny for once.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're right. I apologize.

[Justin McElroy]

The good thing is the hard part is done. Because your hands know the cards. Your hands know the weight of the cards, the heart of the cards. When you hold a king, Ice Velociraptor or whatever, like, you know what that feels like.

[Travis McElroy]

Sorry, a what?

[Justin McElroy]

You know that just from the ink of the Ice Wind Quest.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Guy that, like, you know that card.

[Griffin McElroy]

I got a commander deck that's based around the Ice Wind Quest.

[Justin McElroy]

Guy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Tear shit up Is the trick, Justin, that you close your eyes and pick up a card and tell them what it is?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Like, you could do that if you know your deck. When you are really in tune with your deck, you don't need to look at it anymore. Like, you know the cards.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

You know the cards just from, like, the weight and the crinkles that your uncle put in when he was.

[Griffin McElroy]

Whoa, hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

He was trying to throw them away.

[Griffin McElroy]

And you were like.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, please don't.

[Justin McElroy]

I love those cards.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, why was your uncle.

[Justin McElroy]

Cause every card tells a story. Like, you know what I mean? Why is there mustard on the back of my charizardos or whatever?

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cause my fucking uncle.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, it's.

[Travis McElroy]

My fucking uncle. Used it as a napkin.

[Justin McElroy]

Again, uncle related. It could be like, my best friend Johnny spilled ketchup on it or whatever.

[Travis McElroy]

So there's mustard on it. Cause Johnny spilled ketchup on it.

[Justin McElroy]

Every card tells a story.

[Travis McElroy]

A likely. Whoa.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Every car tells a story.

[Announcer / Narrator]

I think that anyone can learn how to do tricks of sleight of hand and subtle gestures with those cards.

[Griffin McElroy]

But not anyone can make an infinite mana loop. One hit. Ko, first round knockout, some real. So I think you could say, like, okay, first of all, the coffee shop needs to be very fucking empty. Because this is gonna take you like, 45, 50 minutes. There's a lot of setup. And then you do have to execute the infinite loop. You make them draw all their deck. You have to draw your entire. It's a whole thing. But then when it's over, they're gonna.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Be like, wow, I get it, man.

[Justin McElroy]

I would also just say, and this is not to try to, like, pump you up, but seriously, like, that kind of success in anything. I think people actually are interested to hear about it. Like, I don't think there's gonna be any judgment. I, of course, would be interested to hear about someone's magic, the gathering proficiency. You know, I've learned four or five card tricks and I've tried to learn Magic Gathering and I can't. You know what I mean?

[Travis McElroy]

Like, I think that's the magic.

[Justin McElroy]

Frankly, I'm way more the Gathering.

[Travis McElroy]

I've played many games of Magic the Gathering. And when they have ended, whether I've won or lost, I have no idea why it happened.

[Justin McElroy]

I always think I gotta get more into this game.

[Griffin McElroy]

Most card tricks don't require you to use tokens and track health, loss and tap things.

[Travis McElroy]

So which one's more impressive, Griffin?

[Griffin McElroy]

Definitely Magic the Gathering.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Easy.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, for sure.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, try this move. Oh, I misunderstood you. Now it's on them.

[Justin McElroy]

You could also do like sleight of hand with the Gathering cards. And then when you ask them later, was this your card? They'll have absolutely no fucking clue. I think yeah, it had a dragon on it or something.

[Travis McElroy]

There's fire.

[Justin McElroy]

Something like that. Yeah, for sure. Sorry, this just like this just came across my desk.

[Travis McElroy]

There was a puff of brain, limestone and sulfur.

[Justin McElroy]

This is just coming across my desk. I'm so sorry guys. We do have a haunted doll.

[Travis McElroy]

Watch.

[Justin McElroy]

First up, let's meet Holly the Pixie.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh no.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

Woo.

[Justin McElroy]

I wanted to bring some positivity this time.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, that's cool.

[Travis McElroy]

And I'm telling you right now. A bold like Mary Tyler Moore esque woman in the city fighting for her own. Right there.

[Justin McElroy]

Meet Holly. She's an enchanting spirit known as a Pixie Fae. She has a deep connection to Holly. It just doesn't say Holly. Encourage. Holly encourages humans to reconnect with nature. Showing respect for the environment and a deeper appreciation for the beauty that surrounds us. She loves all animals and critters and they love her presence. She brings hot into your life.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, what?

[Justin McElroy]

Whoa. Whoa.

[Griffin McElroy]

By the way, that was cool hearing everyone say wait, what?

[Travis McElroy]

In the exact same voice.

[Justin McElroy]

She brings hot into your life by uplifting moments with laughter and positivity. She possesses a bunch of magical abilities. This. They don't often promise this much a bunch.

[Travis McElroy]

She'll make you happy. Is not often a promise made by hot dogs.

[Justin McElroy]

The first one's awesome because her first one is animal communication, which like peruvit. Yeah, good point.

[Travis McElroy]

That would involve like my dog being like, this is legit.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah. Once we invent that helmet we put on a dog or on us to.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Make that conversation possible.

[Griffin McElroy]

You think the first thing dogs are gonna say is, holy shit. Thank Christ you can hear me. All the dolls in this house can talk to me. Holly the Pixie makes it so fucking hot in here, Doug. And we're Getting married.

[Justin McElroy]

She has the ability to. She has plant growth. The ability to accelerate growth with a role of a D8. She can. There's a bloom of plants coaxing flowers to blossom and gardens to flourish. She has weather control. What? She has the ability to influence subtle weather changes.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, now hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

They're not over.

[Travis McElroy]

Promising.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, maybe a bit more fog.

[Travis McElroy]

It's 95 degrees instead of 94 degrees. Thanks, Holly.

[Griffin McElroy]

You did indeed bring the hot by one degree.

[Justin McElroy]

She also promotes natural healing. So this. There's so much more to Holly. She's definitely one of the best I've ever encountered. Then wouldn't it be supernatural healing she brings Good.

[Travis McElroy]

No. Nothing.

[Announcer / Narrator]

I don't think so.

[Justin McElroy]

She brings. It's a very good point, Travis. Inviting feel to your home. And I know she'll add a touch of greatness to your life. Are you Holly's new keeper? Adopt Holly today.

[Griffin McElroy]

Keeper sucks as a title to have because of a thing I bought on ebay.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. So that is Holly the pixie. Next up, next.

[Travis McElroy]

I wouldn't even call myself, like my dogs keeper yet.

[Justin McElroy]

All right, next up, a haunted vessel doll. A protective spirit of a mother who lost everything. Hey, wait, it might get funny.

[Griffin McElroy]

The name's fun.

[Justin McElroy]

No, I mainly wanted to feature Marguerite. She's a devoted mother in the late 1800s. A woman who gave everything for her family. Let's see that first picture. Paul.

[Travis McElroy]

Jesus Christ, Justin.

[Justin McElroy]

Her life was cut short by scarlet fever, a brutal disease that took her swiftly and I too big itis leaving behind 10 children. The youngest only six months old and the eldest 17. Even as her body failed, her soul refused to leave.

[Travis McElroy]

Fuck.

[Justin McElroy]

The thought of abandoning her children, of leaving them to face the world without her was unbearable. Paul, let's see that next image. Yes.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Dude.

[Justin McElroy]

I've never seen anyone do this shit. It's fucking so good. It's so good. Give me another one.

[Audience Member Sandy]

Paul.

[Justin McElroy]

Hit me with another one.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

Oh.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, baby. Yeah, dude.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, how come she got neck wrinkles?

[Justin McElroy]

That's fucked up.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. Hey, what's she made out of? This is starting to border on montage of dead wife in movies.

[Justin McElroy]

She remained earthbound, searching for a way to continue protecting those who needed her. Eventually, her spirit found its way.

[Griffin McElroy]

But who's protecting me from Marguerite?

[Justin McElroy]

Let's see. Can we see another picture of the vessel?

[Travis McElroy]

This one's you done found me under the bed. Come on in. Let me show you my secret place.

[Justin McElroy]

Marguerite is a fiercely protective spirit, drawn to those who need comfort. My own daughter has asked me to place her vessel under the bed at night to keep.

[Travis McElroy]

I thought you were talking about Charlie and Cooper for a second.

[Justin McElroy]

No, that would be amazing. Marguerite seems to like this role. So this is to be clear. Mommy's putting this doll underneath your. Your mom. The only mom you have supposedly is putting this haunted doll in here to protect you from the other haunted dolls? Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Fuck no. Hey, this is a mother who lost everything. And her kids are definitely not in the picture anymore. I definitely want her to form some kind of strong bond with my daughter.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh yeah, man. She's chock full of raw mom energy.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. One day you'll be older and you'll get married and James Wan's gonna have.

[Travis McElroy]

A lot of fun with that one.

[Justin McElroy]

Let me tell ya.

[Travis McElroy]

You'll.

[Justin McElroy]

This ghost is gonna freak out. The doll's gonna try to kill him. This is actually pretty good now that I say that out loud. Paul, Write that down. TMTM Insidious 5 something. Okay, I wanna.

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Justin McElroy]

Pa. She's saying goodbye. Goodbye, Marguerite.

[Travis McElroy]

Dump truck Ass.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

That wasn't me. It was Margarita speaking through me. Her influence grows.

[Justin McElroy]

I should mention there is a mystery of her purple eyes. There's an unusual purple eyes. An eerie yet beautiful. At times they seem to illuminate. That's her ass, Paul. Nice. When this happens, the atmosphere in the room shifts. Sometimes comforting and warm. As if a mother is near watching over you or under you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Because she's mainly a sub bed. Sort of.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. I would say the majority of the.

[Justin McElroy]

Photo shoot has happened under bed. Yes. Do you guys want to meet the best dude ever?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, dude. Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, Paul.

[Griffin McElroy]

No more jump scares, please.

[Justin McElroy]

No more Paul. Hey, let's fucking. Let's meet Bouchard. Yeah. Let me see my son Bouchard. Hell yeah. Haunted vessel doll. Sweet Bouchard.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why didn't you guys like Bouchard?

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, let me tell you.

[Travis McElroy]

What kind of jaded assholes are you?

[Justin McElroy]

Let me tell you a little bit about Bouchard.

[Travis McElroy]

This is Richard.

[Justin McElroy]

From the moment he came into my home, he has been nothing but a joy to be around.

[Travis McElroy]

His energy is light and warm, like.

[Justin McElroy]

A child's laughter echoing through the house. Everyone adored him when he was alive. He grew up surrounded by his aunts and cousins, always tagging along as the youngest of the bunch. His older cousins would take him skating to the batting cages. And he loved every second of it. His favorite place in the world was a spotty gold Bullwinkle's. A place that brought him endless happiness. I'm going to skip his death.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yay.

[Justin McElroy]

That's not.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, does he have a pair of dice with him?

[Justin McElroy]

I'll get there. His parents. He's playing some ceelo. He's shooting some craps. His parents had both passed over from overdoses when he was only two months old. So he never knew them. Only stories. And not good ones. This made him frightened of crossing over, afraid of what might be waiting for him.

[Travis McElroy]

As opposed to most three and four year olds who like, can't fucking wait.

[Justin McElroy]

To kick it, you know? Thank you for your faith so far. Because you know how hard Bouchard has to deliver to make up for that real bummer of a beginning. So let me tell you this. Here he is safe, he is calm, he is sweet and playful. He has always been a joy to us. And I know he will bring the same to his next keeper. My own children discovered that Bushar loves offerings of Pokemon. One night while they sat in the same room with him. He made that very clear.

[Audience Member Bennett]

Hey.

[Justin McElroy]

Because of that, he will go to his new home with the Pokemon items you see in his pictures. At my children's request, since they don't want him to be without them. So Bouchard is being said. Hey, parents, I am always looking for great ways to get rid of my kids.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Shit.

[Justin McElroy]

If I thought I could also box up a bunch of their garbage with haunted dolls. This is epic, lady. Good on you. Sending away a bunch of their Pokemon cards.

[Griffin McElroy]

Also, scalpers have ravaged the Pokemon card market. So, I mean, you are. You are getting yourself quite a deal with this Bouchard doll pickup.

[Justin McElroy]

Just to clarify though, in case you are buying, Bouchard items in the photos will be included with him. Except the bench his vessel is sitting on. That is mine. Thank you for clarifying about the bent now. Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

Vessel boy.

[Justin McElroy]

Taken too soon. Hey, do you have any, anything of Bouchard? An action pole. Sweet. Haunted vessel boy, take it too soon.

[Travis McElroy]

That's Bouchard. There was a time when we were children and we had a My Buddy doll. And my older brother Justin propped him up inside a closet so that when I opened the closet door, he seemed to spring out at me. Yeah, and I don't remember him being around much after that.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, I don't think so.

[Travis McElroy]

The doll, not Justin. I was around Justin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, when Bouchard talked to the kids about how he wanted Pokemon cards, I'm just curious what that conversation sounded like. Hey, what do you guys got up there?

[Justin McElroy]

Give me all your Pokemon cards. They'll all haunt your sister.

[Griffin McElroy]

What imaginative little monsters you've got There.

[Justin McElroy]

If only I hadn't been killed by that stray bullet.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, no.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, no.

[Justin McElroy]

I didn't tell you kids about that, did I? It was rough, but I did always want a Charizard if you have a spare one. I gotta learn some new Pokemon. I love frogs, but I can never spot them in the wild. I live in a relatively damp place, so I know there are plenty of frogs around. Often other people will point out frogs to me, see them, see that I'm taking photos of wildlife, and I'll get so excited to have the chance to take a photo of a frog. I'm haunted by all the frogs I know are out there that I didn't see and thus couldn't take photos of. Brothers. How can I get better at spotting frogs? That's from frogless and frustrated.

[Griffin McElroy]

I fucking. How brave of you. How brave of you to finally say it. Every time I spot a frog, it feels like such an accomplishment. Like, ha, ha, got you. Oh.

[Travis McElroy]

But the crushing defeat of someone else spotting a frog before I do.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, when they see the frog first.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or it's just a weird rock and now you're an asshole, or, fuck, it's a toad, dude. Sometimes I'll bring a frog with me places so I can set it down and be like, frog. And everyone get impressed with me at how good I am at spotting these.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, shit, Griffin, because that was my suggestion to fix this problem. Not forever, but just some practice frogs that you would bring with you. Let loose and then know there's frogs there, know what they look and sound like, what their names are, and then be able to spot them with some kind of accuracy so that you gain confidence in your frog spotting ability. The movie Frogspotting is so weird with all the drugs.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah, sure.

[Justin McElroy]

The hardest thing to spot is a turtle. Because when you spot it, you're definitely looking at it and you're like, yes, yeah, I see it. But then the turtle will continue to be there, and you definitely have to have a moment. You're like, okay, I get it. I gotta go. Other animals, you get close to them and they're like, that's enough. The moment's over.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's not a lot of animals beside turtle that I see. And I'm like, I should pick you up. And then my brain's immediately like, no, don't do that.

[Justin McElroy]

You don't need to pick up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why do I have this reflexive.

[Justin McElroy]

Is it because he's.

[Travis McElroy]

It's football shaped?

[Griffin McElroy]

I guess he's got his own little lunchbox that he carries around.

[Announcer / Narrator]

With.

[Travis McElroy]

I would also say a turtle is an animal that I could spot, be excited, and it could be dead. And I'd have no idea. And I'd stare at it for like 20 minutes, being like, nature is beautiful.

[Justin McElroy]

Anytime I've ever seen a turtle in my life, I think, aw, buddy, you shouldn't be here. Where's. Let's get you out of here, pal. But you don't want to touch them because they got salmonella. Cool.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, Your wife's a doctor, so I just assume that you know what you're talking about, man.

[Travis McElroy]

It would be turtle.

[Justin McElroy]

Honestly, your older brother. So thank you for recognizing. We have other questions for you from you, our beloved. Not for. Yeah. Hey, can we ask a question for you?

[Travis McElroy]

Anyways, just enjoy the frogs you see. Don't worry about the ones you don't see. They don't exist if you don't see them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wow, Trav, thank you. Next question. Beautiful.

[Travis McElroy]

Also.

[Griffin McElroy]

Also, thermal vision goggles.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait a minute.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Wait.

[Justin McElroy]

Are frogs.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

Notably, that's a really bad idea.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or that's lizards.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, cook the frogs before.

[Justin McElroy]

What? You have to have a friend help you. Get a discreet friend to plant 30 toy frogs in the local woods. Have them give you a GPS. Where the fuck are they gonna find 30 real frogs?

[Travis McElroy]

@ the frog store.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, man, read a book. Frog store, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

What? Like bait frogs that you buy to feed the bigger.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, dude, to feed the nasty fish. I'm going fishing today, but only for really up psycho fish who eat whole fucking frogs, man.

[Justin McElroy]

That's my favorite section of the pet store. When there's pets that are actually food for other animals, but they don't know about it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Crickets.

[Justin McElroy]

Like the crickets think they are there.

[Travis McElroy]

Waiting on the right child, you know? Now I will be loved.

[Justin McElroy]

That one open minded kid.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, look at that.

[Justin McElroy]

They gave me a lizard to eat.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, wait a second.

[Justin McElroy]

They're looking for a kid that needs a. A moral compass.

[Griffin McElroy]

I got a room. This big scaly roommate of mine. I love this guy.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, boys.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, Trav.

[Travis McElroy]

I've got a pretty important new development to share with you guys.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right, man.

[Travis McElroy]

As both the leader of Trav Nation and.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

And the CEO of Trav Nation company.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, I didn't know about that.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, we're constantly looking to incorporate brand integration.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

And indoctrinate more people.

[Griffin McElroy]

So all the embezzling you've been doing from our company has been.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, my God. I'm so glad you brought that up, Griffin. Sort of. So tonight I have a Brand new segment called Paul, can you pull that up? Travnation Industries introduces Travest. It's Travis plus novelties seeking angel investors. So I've got three.

[Justin McElroy]

Is the TM there? Your initials or trademark? Correct. Okay, so it's both.

[Travis McElroy]

TM Isn't that what it always.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. I have three investment opportunities for you guys tonight.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay?

[Travis McElroy]

But much like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie when they were selling the pictures of their baby Shiloh to the paparazzi, I am going to take your bid sight unseen.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Okay?

[Travis McElroy]

And then I'll tell you what. What I've just done now because I've embezzled so much money. Yeah, you guys have accumulated quite a few trav bucks. And it is. I should state a one way exchange.

[Justin McElroy]

That's so rare with exchanges, you know.

[Travis McElroy]

Where US Dollars become draft bucks. The draft bucks cannot go back.

[Justin McElroy]

You know, nobody ever comes out.

[Travis McElroy]

They're like arcade tokens in that way.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, sure.

[Travis McElroy]

And I'm gonna give you guys a chance to ask me some questions. The first investment opportunity is a foodstuff. And now you can ask me some yes or no questions before you give me your bid in trav bucks for the first investment opportunity.

[Justin McElroy]

Would this be something that I would feature on Munch Squad? No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it wet?

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, my God. I figured it out. No, I haven't. Is it real? Like a thing that you could exist?

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

I've never played this game before. Travis, I'd like to tell you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it a sauce?

[Justin McElroy]

No.

[Griffin McElroy]

How can it be wet then?

[Justin McElroy]

Dude? Is it a liquid? No.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, are you selling a liquid?

[Guest Performer / Singer]

Just answer. Or.

[Justin McElroy]

Dude. Oh, is it a suspension?

[Travis McElroy]

Dude, I gotta answer. Is it like Kublik? Dude, I'm gonna say y.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

No.

[Travis McElroy]

Answer unclear. Answer unclear.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm say the plasmoid state of whatever this.

[Travis McElroy]

A sauce is present.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. Is it an entree?

[Griffin McElroy]

Travis, I need the foodstuffs I invest in to fit squarely into one of the three states of matter. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Is it a plastic?

[Griffin McElroy]

And it is for that reason that I'm out.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, Griffin, here's the problem. You actually can't. Yeah, you have to. How much do I have?

[Griffin McElroy]

Do I have to bid? Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, so is it a commercial pop that you want to sell?

[Travis McElroy]

It's bidding time now, Justin. How many Trabb bucks?

[Justin McElroy]

This is bidding time.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

How many trap bucks are you willing to.

[Justin McElroy]

How many do I have, you maniac?

[Griffin McElroy]

500? Yeah, 500.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

500 feels right to me.

[Travis McElroy]

500,000.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, Juice, babe. How many trav bucks Is it okay for me to spend. I know, I know. They're supposed to be for the girls college. Hopefully, Trav Nation University will be closed by then. Okay. Yeah. All right. Thank you. 5,000 trav bucks. Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

4,999 trav bucks.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. Let's see what you've invested in. New beef travioli.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Kids love that it comes in a can. Parents love that it is edible with twice the schlorc sound of the leading competitor when bored from behind. Contains absolutely zero Travis.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's great. Wow.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wow. I'm a.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you want to increase your bids?

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck no, man. I'm actually an investor in cup of Noodles, and I can't actually have competing products on store shelves. You understand.

[Travis McElroy]

I do.

[Griffin McElroy]

Also. This sounds gross.

[Justin McElroy]

I would like to reduce my bid, please, because.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, you can't reduce.

[Justin McElroy]

I would like to at this point, now that I know. More reduced. Cause I feel like the fact that it doesn't contain any Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, there's an asterisk there.

[Justin McElroy]

That is true. Okay. Yeah, you're right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Awesome.

[Travis McElroy]

Because everything has a little Travis in it. Say, what with the way that, like, dust and star stuff and shit works.

[Justin McElroy]

Last breath of Julius Caesar, et cetera.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Our second investment opportunity is a household good.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it wet?

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Justin McElroy]

Is it dry? Yes. Okay, don't get all.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it a powder?

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Justin McElroy]

Cause sticky is half wet and half dry.

[Travis McElroy]

It's a household product.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it for cleaning?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes. Is it poison?

[Announcer / Narrator]

No.

[Justin McElroy]

Toxic?

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Justin McElroy]

Purple?

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Green?

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Red?

[Justin McElroy]

Orange?

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Blue? No. White?

[Justin McElroy]

Glass cleaner? Gray?

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Clear?

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

Edible?

[Announcer / Narrator]

Clear.

[Justin McElroy]

No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gray?

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's gray Juice.

[Justin McElroy]

It's gray.

[Travis McElroy]

We're ready for your bids.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, no. You can't just say, I just gave.

[Travis McElroy]

You so many fucking questions.

[Justin McElroy]

There's a limited number of questions that information.

[Griffin McElroy]

If I knew there was a limited number of questions, I wouldn't have sang Joseph and the amazing Technicolor Dreamcoder. $5,000 on the gray thing. That's dry.

[Travis McElroy]

We don't accept dollars.

[Griffin McElroy]

5,000 travel bucks on the dry, gray household thing.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm gonna say $30, because I really.

[Travis McElroy]

We don't accept dollars.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm gonna say 300,000 trav bucks.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is that the exchange rate I just did?

[Justin McElroy]

No, I did the conversion in my head. Sorry, I have to do the conversion in my head.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, let's see that product. The traff can.

[Justin McElroy]

I was right.

[Travis McElroy]

Loves to eat your garbage, no questions asked. Totally judgment free, motion activated. Real talk action with, mm, yummy trash. And that's A totally normal thing to throw away. And I turn trash into jokes.

[Griffin McElroy]

That one's.

[Justin McElroy]

I think it sucks that I have to be up here. And because I am a paid professional, I'm forced to bear witness to something I would cook away so fast from on Tumblr that it would make your hurts.

[Travis McElroy]

You don't wanna throw trash in my mouth. Look, my mouth is the lid. My mouth opens.

[Justin McElroy]

You understand? Like, I've already engaged with this mentally more than I would ever Trav.

[Announcer / Narrator]

I'm down.

[Travis McElroy]

You see what happens, right? My mouth opens. It says, yummy trash. I'm doing your laugh right, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm trying one more dollar than Justin did. I love this product. I think it's funny. I think kids will like it a lot.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, Travis. It makes complete sense. If the next one is just this.

[Griffin McElroy]

On a toilet, I'm walking off the stage, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm gonna do that either way because it'll be the end of act one, but still.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, let's go to our third and final investment opportunity. This is. This is an online course.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it wet?

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Announcer / Narrator]

It'S not wet.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you missed.

[Justin McElroy]

Is it dry?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Is it taught by you?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Okay. It's a class.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, it's an online course.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a dry online course.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member Sandy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

If you can bully. If you can imagine such a thing.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you teach podcast?

[Justin McElroy]

No.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

We already wrote a book about that.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's true. Don't tell them our secret, Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

That's our private book.

[Griffin McElroy]

Our private book. Our secret diary for friends and family only.

[Justin McElroy]

This is our vanity book.

[Griffin McElroy]

I bet that's the game. Five million Trav bucks on this.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. Six million.

[Griffin McElroy]

God damn it. You're so good at this game, Chase.

[Travis McElroy]

Let's see it, Paul. This is the Trav Wife online course. We'll teach you how to pick up and quickly abandon all kinds of usual hobbies.

[Justin McElroy]

The worst thing I've ever seen.

[Travis McElroy]

Travis, officially clean the house by hiding seven closets and cabinets, please. Your husband, the Travis way.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, so if you're not taking a picture of this image, if it's up to me, it'll never be seen again. So make sure you get it recorded for posterity, please. This looks like the look for all.

[Travis McElroy]

Of these things on your shelf.

[Justin McElroy]

And Internet, The Oak Ridge Boys finally done fell off.

[Travis McElroy]

If you have questions that you'd like us to answer and you would want to come down to the mic and, like, talk with us about it, you can email livebmb.com.

[Justin McElroy]

Try to keep it short. Try to Keep it tight. Those are usually the best ones for a live setting.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, the instructions should be up on the screen, but we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be back after the intermission and we'll see you guys in a bit.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

It's better. It's better with you.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Hello, my friends, this is Griffin. I'm so thankful for you this week. Of extraordinary gratitude, I want to tell you about our sponsors. This week we got Aura Frames on the dock. And Aura Frames is a great time to talk about Aura Frames because Aura Frames is a really great present, a really great gift for a lot of different sort of people, categories you might have in your life. I'm talking about Peepaw, Meemaw, Jee Ja, Grigra, all them folks, parents, grandparents, extended family members, loved ones who live from.

[Griffin McElroy]

Afar, who you want to keep up.

[Announcer / Narrator]

To date on what you and your family or whatever looks like. You can do that so easily with Aura Frames. They are a premier digital picture frame. You download the Aura app, you connect to wifi, it takes like two minutes to set up and then you can change photos, you can upload photos to other people's galleries with their permission, obviously. And it's so easy to keep people in the loop on what you got going on in your life with a really beautiful looking digital picture frame from auraframes. We've given them out as gifts to a lot of people and it's always a hit because even if they're not the most tech savvy person in the world, you can help manage that yourself. So for a limited time, visit auraframes.com and get $45 off Aura's best selling Carver mat frames named number one by Wirecutter. By using promo code mybrother at checkout. That's auraframes.com, promo code mybrother. This exclusive black Friday Cyber Monday deal is their best of the year. So order now. Before it ends, support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Also, want to talk about factor meals? This time of year is a shit show for everyone. There's like a hundred holidays that all happen basically all at once. And you know, work is so crazy right now.

[Griffin McElroy]

You gotta make sure that you're eating.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Good stuff and Factor's gonna help you do that. They've got chef prep dietitian approved meals that are designed to make it easy to stay on track and enjoy something comforting and delicious, no heck, matter how.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hectic the season gets.

[Announcer / Narrator]

You can choose from a bunch of different meal options. Premium seafood choices like salmon and shrimp at no extra cost. There's Asian inspired meals with bold flavors influenced by China, Thailand and more just on the menu this week. There's a potato leek mash and grilled chicken with roasted corn and zucchini saute. That looks gorgeous. A smoky gouda macaroni and shredded beef with Parmesan buttered green beans. Yum yum. Don't mind if I do. Everything I've gotten from Factor has been really, really great and super, super quick to to get ready and make me feel like I'm eating like a person and that's important to me. Eat [e-mail] Brother 50 off and use code BROTHER50OFF to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. That's code [e-mail] for 50% off your first box plus FREE breakfast for one year. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with Factor offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Also want to tell you we got some stuff coming up. As you know, every American Thanksgiving, the three of us with our good friends Tim and Guy from the Worst Idea of All Time, our honorary brethren from New Zealand get together to watch a little film called Paul blart Mall Cop 2. This is the, if I'm not mistaken, the 10th year that we've done it, but our 11th watch and that takes us a while to kind of unpack in the watch. There's also a pretty high concept and I will say costly prank style thing that happens this year that I think really sets it apart. I'm not going to talk anymore about what the quality of the watch was this year, but if you've seen the movie or heard us talk about it before, I mean, you know what to expect. It's the boys. We're talking PBMC2 and that comes out on Thursday on Thanksgiving, so you can check that out. Also, Candle Nights is coming up very, very soon. December 6th, we're going to be performing at the Keith Albee Theater in Huntington, West Virginia, our hometown, for our annual Candle Night show. It's been a while since we've done one in person, but we are very, very excited to be putting it back on in Huntington this year. It is going to be a sort.

[Justin McElroy]

Of variety styled show.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Not exactly a live mbmbam, but a lot of sort of MBMBAM segments, some clubhouse stuff. Everyone in the fam's getting a hand on the ball and it's gonna be a good time. And all of the proceeds from the show are going to benefit Harmony House, which is an amazing organization in our hometown of Huntington that works to end homelessness by providing countless supportive services to people experiencing homelessness. It is a great organization and we are really honored to be able to partner with them and help them out. And you can help them out too by coming to the show if you can't make it to Huntington. We're also going to be putting a video up of the show on December 19. You can get live tickets or those video on demand tickets over at bit ly candlenights2025. There's also some new merch in the merch store, including some Candle Knights merch and some Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 Tell death to us Blart merch. And that's [e-mail] so go check that out. Also, enjoy the rest of the live show. We will be back with a new episode next week, so keep it locked and have a great holiday if you choose to celebrate that and we'll talk to you soon. Bye.

[Justin McElroy]

Ready?

[Travis McElroy]

Go.

[Justin McElroy]

Knock knock.

[Griffin McElroy]

Who's there?

[Justin McElroy]

We got this with Mark and Hal. You knew this one. We can't put that out as an ad. We just did new episodes every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcast now. It's Hewn in Rock. Hewn in Rock.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

How do you hue something in rock with a chisel? There's only one hue in rock and it's Huey Lewis. And the news is We Got this with Mark and Howells available Every week on MaximumFun.org I walked right into that.

[Audience Member Sandy]

Need a gift for a Max Fun fan in your life? Or maybe you need some ideas to fill up a wishlist of your own. Heck, maybe you just want to pick up something for yourself as a little treat. Well, the Max Fun Holiday Gift Guide is here for all of your gift giving and gift wanting [e-mail] giftguide of course there's show merch like clothing, hats, bookmarks, stickers, even a candle. But there's also a bunch of other cool stuff made by your favorite hosts like comic books, graphic novels, music, art and jewelry. Go check out the gift guide and make sure you order soon so things get there in time for the holidays. MaximumFun.org giftguide.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're gonna, we're gonna take things to you all now. We're gonna call some folks down to the microphone that we have. If we can get some house lights up a little bit Just to help with navigation.

[Travis McElroy]

You three sitting in front of it. So sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

The guardians of the micro, the Cerberus, ask them their riddles.

[Justin McElroy]

If you all, every once in a while, could do the hear no evil, see no evil kind of bed, I'd appreciate that.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, you won't acknowledge it, but you could do it. And, hey, while we're working on that, thank you to the Tobin center here for having us.

[Audience Member Bennett]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

This room is so beautiful. They were showing us some of the fancy light tricks that they can do, and we. We told them we don't deserve any of that stuff.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Hello.

[Audience Member Celia]

Hi.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi. How's it going?

[Audience Member Celia]

Hi. Oh, I'm Celia. Pronouns are she, they, he, any pronouns.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hi, Celia.

[Justin McElroy]

How can we help?

[Announcer / Narrator]

A lot of Celia heads in the audience tonight, which I'm loving.

[Travis McElroy]

Hard not to date.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member Celia]

So my question is, how do I keep mascots from approaching me?

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

So that's chapter and verse, Celia, the question you sent to us, I am wondering what that means.

[Travis McElroy]

And my follow up is, Celia, have you found this to be a problem in the past, or are you worried that this will become a problem in the future?

[Justin McElroy]

What's the context?

[Audience Member Celia]

So, for example, you might go to a sports event. There might be, like a here in San Antonio, maybe a Spurs coyote going into the audience saying, wanting to interact with you. My problem is that I never know what to do. They kind of scare me.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Sure.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, wait, no, hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

Good instincts.

[Travis McElroy]

Celia, you're describing a hypothetical situation that might happen. Has a mascot ever approached you?

[Audience Member Celia]

This has absolutely happened too many times. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I think if you get just right down the mouth is the key.

[Travis McElroy]

That's where the eyes are.

[Justin McElroy]

Look down the mouth and say, don't.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, honestly, I was gonna say a strong no, don't.

[Justin McElroy]

Not now, not now. Look at me for real, right in the mouth.

[Travis McElroy]

Because what you're probably looking at, Celia right now on stage, you're looking at three people who have done mascot work many, many, many times. I also don't want to be there.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, you're right to be off put because they. No matter how dedicated they are to.

[Announcer / Narrator]

The cause of the spurs.

[Griffin McElroy]

They don't want to have an interaction, probably unless it is contractually required.

[Justin McElroy]

What's hard is, Celia, I think if you start putting your hands up like, no, thank you, I don't want any, then they're going to make that a fucking bitch. Oh, dude, have you seen the video?

[Griffin McElroy]

The RA from the basketball team eating the person in the crowd, like, gobble them up. Scary. Scary.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, for sure.

[Justin McElroy]

Man, that sounds scary. If I saw that happen, I'd be pretty scared.

[Travis McElroy]

A mascot person.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think there should be mascot.

[Travis McElroy]

No, don't.

[Justin McElroy]

Leave it off.

[Travis McElroy]

A mascot ate a person.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a video. It's a big. Yeah, it's a raptor.

[Travis McElroy]

You watch a lot of weird videos, Griffin. We've just covered it.

[Justin McElroy]

Is there a San Antonio mascot that everybody likes? Do you all have a favorite? Is there, like, a beloved?

[Griffin McElroy]

Please, Celia.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Celia.

[Audience Member Celia]

I did hear the balapeno a couple of times.

[Travis McElroy]

That makes a lot more sense. I thought people were saying volcano.

[Justin McElroy]

At first.

[Travis McElroy]

I didn't understand how that could be a mascot in an actionable way.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is the ballapeno like a ball that's also a pepper?

[Audience Member Celia]

So he's an anthropomorphic jalapeno pepper?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. How does that treat you if that runs up on you? How does that feel compared to a coyote?

[Travis McElroy]

Or were you not happy?

[Audience Member Celia]

That's so scary. I don't want that to happen.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, Celia. Celia, I've got you.

[Justin McElroy]

Are there any less scared? Out of curiosity, if a mascot had to run up on you, is there, like, one that you're least scared of? Where you'd be like, okay, not bad.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know, we're not asking you.

[Justin McElroy]

It's just.

[Travis McElroy]

We was specifically asking Celia.

[Justin McElroy]

Like, if you were trying not to think about one Ghostbusters, and which one would you make into a giant monster? You know what I mean? Like, which one do you like?

[Guest Performer / Singer]

Ooh.

[Audience Member Celia]

Truthfully, in my heart, they all kind of freak me out. I did hear H e buddy. H e Buddy. I guess.

[Griffin McElroy]

H e Buddy.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

H e Buddy.

[Travis McElroy]

Cecilia, I got your back here.

[Justin McElroy]

You ready?

[Audience Member Celia]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

They have shit peripheral vision.

[Announcer / Narrator]

If you.

[Travis McElroy]

They have like a 15 degree wide cone.

[Griffin McElroy]

Stay out the cone.

[Travis McElroy]

You move to the left or the right, they don't fucking know.

[Griffin McElroy]

You slice the pie, Celia. You will not get clocked, I guarantee.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, you could shove children in front of you, you could duck down six.

[Justin McElroy]

Inches and they'll just lose you completely. They'll look around and go off to the next. The next row.

[Griffin McElroy]

I hope that helps.

[Justin McElroy]

Does that help you?

[Audience Member Celia]

Yeah, that was perfect. Thank you.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you so much. What's h. What's he Griff? What's a she buddy look like?

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, what's take.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can we get a picture of he buddy on the screen?

[Justin McElroy]

I got to get to Hebdy and some cereal. Okay, we'll get.

[Travis McElroy]

He buddy isn't in the house.

[Justin McElroy]

We're not going to bring he buddy out. That would be so cool.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Hello.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Hi.

[Audience Member Sandy]

Whoa.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hi, I'm Sandy.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi, Sandy.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Hi.

[Griffin McElroy]

And my question, I'm just going to read it is how do I explain to servers at Mexican restaurants that I might order something besides tacos when they see my taco time knuckle tattoos without it being a huge letdown?

[Travis McElroy]

Sammy, can I tell you what I'm dying to know? Can you show me the orientation?

[Guest Performer / Singer]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

What time is it, guys? Is it.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm trying to see from here, but I don't have good vision. Is it taco time? How is it taco time time?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's usually how knuckle tattoos. It's not usually like a rebus that people have to sol.

[Justin McElroy]

Scramble the knuckles. You see, if I cross my fingers like this. All right.

[Travis McElroy]

I thought this was a comedy. Hey, guys, I'm a National Merit scholar.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, Here he goes. I know.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

I met. Oh, is that. I don't understand.

[Justin McElroy]

The place we order from for dinner had the most outrageous chips I've ever eaten in my entire life. I think they were the best chips I've ever eaten.

[Travis McElroy]

I could hear the crunch from across the room. They were crunching.

[Justin McElroy]

What was that place called?

[Griffin McElroy]

It was Taco Bell.

[Justin McElroy]

Taco Bell. Rosario.

[Griffin McElroy]

Rosario.

[Justin McElroy]

Riff. So good.

[Travis McElroy]

Shit. When they come by, when the server comes by, you get so excited, you look at your knuckles, maybe bash them together for a second, and then look at your watch and get, ugh. So dejected.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And say, not yet. I guess I'll just have fajitas.

[Justin McElroy]

What do you.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then you pull up your shirt, you've got fajitas time tattooed on your tummy.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Get another tattoo under taco time that says, like, 4:38pm yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Get a palm tattoo that says not. And then you can just kind of semaphore your orders out. Sounds good. Does it sound good, Sandy?

[Justin McElroy]

Sandy, what's your order? If you're not going to get tacos, what do you. What are you in the mood for?

[Travis McElroy]

Usually chicken nuggets.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, it's all good, but usually enchiladas.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

I have to assume, Sandy, that you do have an affinity for tacos. I do. Okay, great.

[Travis McElroy]

All right, so maybe just buckle in and get some tacos. Sandy, you made a commitment.

[Justin McElroy]

You made a commitment.

[Audience Member Sandy]

That's very true.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's very true.

[Justin McElroy]

Maybe you should order a side of tacos just for the bit, you know what I mean? Like, just for the gag. I think it would be such a bummer to not be able to bring you tacos.

[Travis McElroy]

Could you get a tiny tattoo? That's a question Mark after time. So for the taco time.

[Justin McElroy]

Tell them the owner said you could get free tacos with that tattoo whenever you wanted.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can you know, before you go to the restaurant you don't want tacos and.

[Travis McElroy]

Wear gloves instead, like Justin has on.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, Justin's on. I'll need to invest in some driving paraphernalia. Sure, yeah, absolutely. It's a cool look and it's kind of the year for it, man, so. Sounds good. Does that help? Tremendously.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much, Sandy.

[Audience Member Amelia]

Hello.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello.

[Audience Member Amelia]

I'm Amelia. She her.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hi, Amelia.

[Audience Member Amelia]

Well, I wrote in two questions.

[Griffin McElroy]

You sent in one about a gas station visitor.

[Audience Member Amelia]

The important one is.

[Travis McElroy]

One of these is a pressing issue.

[Audience Member Amelia]

How do I get this gentleman to stop coming in and asking for 25 delicious dollars in gas?

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, are you okay?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. 25. Say it again, please.

[Audience Member Amelia]

Well, that's the problem. That's all he says.

[Travis McElroy]

No, no, sorry, one more time, Amelia. It's worth saying twice.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

He says.

[Audience Member Amelia]

He walks in, he's very emphatic. He says, hello, can I have 25 delicious dollars on pump one?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

In gas.

[Justin McElroy]

He doesn't.

[Travis McElroy]

He's not demanding money from you.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, I'm the weirdest robber in history.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

No. Oh, no, no, no.

[Audience Member Amelia]

In gas. In gas.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, gas. Oh, my calling card. I make everyone uncomfortable.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm an eccentric gentleman thief with some overdue library books.

[Justin McElroy]

I gotta give you credit, Amelia. Cause the no would have been out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think about it.

[Travis McElroy]

Absolutely not.

[Justin McElroy]

I do not have that for you.

[Travis McElroy]

And you cannot access it.

[Audience Member Sandy]

Thank you.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm gonna try again tomorrow in a less weird fashion. Please.

[Audience Member Amelia]

The issue is that I try to be, you know, like, have good customer service, but I can't stop myself from laughing at this person.

[Justin McElroy]

Amelia. When they say Amelia, that's the problem.

[Travis McElroy]

The first time that person came in, they misspoke. Yeah, they didn't mean to say delicious because that's not a thing. Human beings.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, okay, no, no, no, no.

[Audience Member Amelia]

He said it twice to two different.

[Justin McElroy]

Different people.

[Audience Member Amelia]

Did they.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, Amelia, no, stop. Did they laugh?

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, the second person, would they have been within earshot of the first person? Like, did he know he was delivering it a second time?

[Travis McElroy]

Absolutely.

[Audience Member Amelia]

He did not. My co worker texted me a few days earlier and he was like, it's crazy. This guy just came in and asked me for 25 delicious dollars.

[Justin McElroy]

And then of gasoline.

[Audience Member Amelia]

You have gasoline in gas? And then I was like, haha, that's funny. And I moved on with my life and Then a few days later.

[Griffin McElroy]

Were you starstruck?

[Audience Member Amelia]

I was. It was a regular who had come many times before. And he's never said this before, but this time. This time, a little bit after, he said it to my co worker. Now he comes into me and first he asks me, how am I doing? And I say, good. And he's like, that's excellent news. Can I have 25 delicious items?

[Travis McElroy]

Amelia, listen. This is gonna sound like a joke, and I get that, but weird things happen.

[Justin McElroy]

Maybe it's.

[Travis McElroy]

On a scale from 1 to 10, how strongly did the feeling hit you of maybe this person has been taken over by an alien and they're learning how to talk like a human being? Or ghosts?

[Griffin McElroy]

Maybe they aren't.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm asking. Amelia, give me an honest answer.

[Audience Member Amelia]

Well, no, I thought he was human. Cause I have come to expect this from our customers. I didn't know. I actually.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, what the fuck does that mean?

[Justin McElroy]

I don't know. I feel. Hey, Amelia, here's my thing. From now on, you know who deserves good customer service? Good customers.

[Audience Member Amelia]

That's true.

[Travis McElroy]

And that's what Chili's offers you.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Amelia, have you ever. And this is a. I think I know the answer to this question, but have you ever seen him eating money or eating gasoline?

[Guest Performer / Singer]

I don't know.

[Audience Member Amelia]

I watched him leave. Nothing weird happened after that. I just thought. I guess he thinks it's a normal thing to do.

[Griffin McElroy]

He doesn't shove the pump into an.

[Justin McElroy]

Exhaust port in his chest or just keep walking.

[Travis McElroy]

You realize he doesn't have a car and suddenly he's rising off the ground.

[Audience Member Amelia]

Well, the thing about that is that I kind of overemphasize the amount he asks for. Usually it's two to three dollars.

[Justin McElroy]

Two to three.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Delicious.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, no, wait, hold on. Amelia.

[Audience Member Amelia]

It's a pickup truck. Two to three dollars every time.

[Travis McElroy]

How often does he come in?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, it's his king.

[Audience Member Amelia]

Yeah, every single day. Okay, but he's never said this before. This is a one time thing.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is a killer.

[Justin McElroy]

He's been trying to work up the nerves. That's why he buys so little. Every day, he promises himself he's gonna say it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Amelia, I think every other person in this room is sitting here secretly jealous of you. This is a wonderful human encounter.

[Justin McElroy]

Does that help?

[Audience Member Amelia]

Not at all. But I appreciate it.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you, Amelia. Right on.

[Griffin McElroy]

I believe we had one more.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yes. Hello.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello, my friend.

[Audience Member Bennett]

Hi, my name is Bennett.

[Travis McElroy]

Hi, Bennett.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Hi, Bennett.

[Audience Member Bennett]

So, yeah, the other day I was thinking about the fact that my family has like a weird Thing with three letter names like dad, Bomb, Mom, Jan, Brother Lee, Uncle Jim, and K, so on and so forth.

[Griffin McElroy]

That was tough to follow.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. But we get it.

[Audience Member Bennett]

The point is, it's a lot.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're saying you have a dad named dad.

[Justin McElroy]

But.

[Audience Member Bennett]

Yeah, and then I thought. I was thinking about Lee's name, and it's like, oh, shit. I have no idea how to spell Lee's middle name.

[Travis McElroy]

Sorry. This is your brother?

[Audience Member Bennett]

Yes, my younger brother Lee. I'm 30 and he's 28, so I can't go.

[Justin McElroy]

Know how to spell your younger brother's name?

[Audience Member Bennett]

Yeah, like Lee, obviously. Like, that one's pretty simple.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all pretty good on. There's no wrong answer to this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

What is Lee's middle name?

[Audience Member Bennett]

McMillan.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, fucking yeah, man. Wild, wild middle name.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Audience Member Bennett]

And I was trying to think about it. It's like, ooh, I feel like when I was little, I used to say McMillan, like, was that actually it? And I'm gaslighting myself now, like, to what it actually is.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, is Lee here tonight?

[Announcer / Narrator]

No.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. That's what I wanted to know, too. That was a huge. That was gonna be a big.

[Audience Member Bennett]

I'm safe, too, because he doesn't, like, listen to my Bam Bam or anything.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right?

[Travis McElroy]

Him. You walk up to him and say, hey, Lee, you think you're so great. You don't want to listen to the show? How do you even spell your middle name? Guess what, Lee?

[Griffin McElroy]

I know two of your three names now. I have power over you. Hey, can I say something, Bennett?

[Audience Member Bennett]

Sure.

[Griffin McElroy]

Absolutely. Crabsolutely, do not say your last name at that microphone.

[Justin McElroy]

If you care.

[Griffin McElroy]

You haven't said your middle name yet, but if you care about your brother Lee, you will not say your surname on that microphone.

[Audience Member Bennett]

Trick question. Bennett is my middle name. That's what I go by.

[Griffin McElroy]

Got me again.

[Travis McElroy]

Is Your first name McMillan? No.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, go to your. Go to your brother and say, hey right now. I bet you can't write my middle name properly, because there could be, like, three N's in there for all I know.

[Griffin McElroy]

People get it all the time.

[Audience Member Bennett]

It's two E's, two N's, two T's, the only ends by itself.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes, exactly.

[Travis McElroy]

That's the trick. I would have written it Babinis.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Oh, man. I mean, this is a tough one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Getting someone to write their middle name down. Sounds like how you, like, trick Rumpelstiltskin into killing himself or something.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I tell you something with no context? I tried to explain the story of Rumpelstiltskin to my daughters the other day.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fucking wild one.

[Travis McElroy]

No step. Were they having any part of.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, no way.

[Travis McElroy]

They were like, wait. And the king thought, what? And he said, what to her. And then she did what? And he had a spoon. And I was like, yeah, listen, there's no part of this that makes any goddamn sense.

[Justin McElroy]

So, Bennett, does that help?

[Audience Member Bennett]

I mean, it's essentially just don't ask.

[Griffin McElroy]

But, no, you can.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, someday your brother will die.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Shut up.

[Justin McElroy]

Now, listen, that's the worst scenario.

[Audience Member Bennett]

Because it's like, what do you want to put on his gravestone?

[Justin McElroy]

Just the MC Scribble. Get it? Like a fancy script so you can't.

[Travis McElroy]

Really tell, or a real aged stone. This has been here since the 1800s.

[Griffin McElroy]

You don't have to wait for him to pass to get his gravestone. Our dad's already got one, which is so cool for us to go and see from time to time.

[Travis McElroy]

Get it now.

[Griffin McElroy]

Get that middle name on there. You're in the clear. Does that help, Bennett?

[Justin McElroy]

Sure.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much, Bennett.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you, Bennett. I'm glad we could help you so much. No one disagrees that we helped.

[Griffin McElroy]

And thank you so much, San Antonio, for coming to our live show tonight.

[Justin McElroy]

What an incredible town.

[Griffin McElroy]

I love it.

[Travis McElroy]

I love it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fucking amazing.

[Justin McElroy]

I love this.

[Griffin McElroy]

We have, of course, some more posters for sale out in the lobby that were designed by John Barlow. I am fucking wild about this poster. And you can get one for yourself. So we also, I believe, still have some challenge coins for the Paul Sabor Memorial Can.

[Announcer / Narrator]

Food drive for sale out in the lobby, which go to benefit the San Antonio Food Bank.

[Travis McElroy]

Also tomorrow we're doing. Doing Adventure Zone. And then my brother, my brother, me and Austin and Griffin's driving there tonight, and we're driving there tomorrow. So I know it's drivable.

[Justin McElroy]

Come on.

[Travis McElroy]

I know you all could be there. We also want to say thank you to Paul and Amanda and Rachel and Clint, our dad, for helping us with the show tonight. Thank you to the Tobin Center. Wonderful to be here, and thanks y'.

[Justin McElroy]

All for coming to our show. We really, really appreciate it. Seriously.

[Griffin McElroy]

Y' all have been absolutely rambunctious and fun.

[Justin McElroy]

I hope you have fun. I hope you liked it.

[Travis McElroy]

We had a great time.

[Justin McElroy]

I had a good time.

[Griffin McElroy]

I had a kick ass time. And I want to thank Montaigne for the use for a theme song, My Life Is Better with youh.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a bop.

[Travis McElroy]

And I want to thank that cursor for being my shining star.

[Griffin McElroy]

I genuinely do not think it's perfect.

[Justin McElroy]

Every time because there's no continuity. Hey, We've been asking you for your fears that you want to be faster than in the year of our Lord 20 Thunder Drive. What is our fear for this episode, Griff?

[Announcer / Narrator]

This final fear to leave us off?

[Griffin McElroy]

This year, I vow to be faster than my fear that Dennis Rodman will show up unannounced and throw money at me again.

[Travis McElroy]

My name's Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

[Announcer / Narrator]

I'm Griffin McElroy. My brother.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

My brother.

[Justin McElroy]

Me. Kiss your dad.

[Travis McElroy]

Square on the list.

[Justin McElroy]

Lips.

[Guest Performer / Singer]

It's better, it's better with you. It's better, it's better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

Is it true?

[Guest Performer / Singer]

It's better, it's better with you.

[Audience Member Sandy]

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