MBMBaM 796: Wire and Ass

Summary

Podcast Summary: My Brother, My Brother and Me – Episode 796: Wire and Ass

Podcast: My Brother, My Brother and Me
Hosts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy
Release Date: January 12, 2026
Main Theme:
In this episode, the McElroy brothers provide their signature blend of comedic advice, personal anecdotes, and absurd tangents. The episode's title, "Wire and Ass," riffs on the comparison between Griffin’s experiences with the lengthy new Avatar film and his first colonoscopy. Listeners are treated to candid health talk, humorous house-hunting woes involving IBS, etiquette dilemmas, and fast food marketing oddities—all wrapped in the brothers' irreverent, affectionate banter.

---

Episode Highlights & Key Discussion Points

Opening Banter: Apple Fiasco & Life Updates

[01:08–02:29]

• The show begins with light teasing about Griffin's ground apple, leading into life updates.
• Griffin shares he recently both saw the third Avatar movie (“Fire and Ash”) and had his first colonoscopy, but not simultaneously.
  • Travis jokes: “First colonoscopy at the same time.”
  • Justin quips that this is how James Cameron intended Avatar to be experienced.

The Avatar/Colonoscopy Crossover

[02:29–04:54]

• Griffin compares his experiences with the two epic events, highlighting:
  • Avatar 3’s excessive length (3 hours 15 minutes).
  • His numerous pee breaks (five!)—even leaving to buy gummy snakes and check on his kids watching SpongeBob.
  • Dissociation from the film and the surprise of its duration: “There is no way this movie is still going…I completely left spiritually.” (Griffin, 04:29)

Griffin’s First Colonoscopy: Prep & Procedure

[05:04–10:14]

• Griffin describes colonoscopy preparation in graphic but hilarious detail:
  • The Draining Jug: “I had to drink four liters of diuretics…I did my own little power hour on diuretics.” (Griffin, 05:43)
  • Night of uncomfortable prep and early morning laxative ritual—accompanied by watching “Predator: Killer of Killers” at 2am.
  • “Clear water pee from the butt”:
    • The ideal prep result is a clear output, which becomes a recurring inside joke.
    • “If your last home is clear, you get an A plus.” (Griffin, 07:31)
  • Interaction with loud fellow patient separated by only a curtain—comic reflections on medical privacy.
  • Positive health results but a warning about too much ibuprofen.
  • Inspiration from James Van Der Beek to get screened at age 45.

Running Gag: Year Theme & “Clear Water Pee”

[10:14–11:50]

• The brothers riff on turning “clear water pee from the butt” into a year-long theme (“2020 Drip” or “2020 Drips”).
• They contemplate the philosophical “Big Boy” in a hospital rooting for listeners' annual goals (a motivational running gag).

Advice Segment 1: House-Hunting with IBS

[12:45–17:09]

• Listener question: How to tell their realtor that, due to both partners having IBS, one bathroom isn’t enough?
• The brothers agree—just tell your realtor! There’s no stigma to IBS.
• Jokes about invented bathroom uses for plausible deniability ("flush paints," "fish graveyard," "stinky potion cauldron").
• Travis’s prop humor solution: Bring your realtor “IBC” root beer re-labeled as “IBS.”

Apple On the Floor Recurrence

[18:02–19:56]

• Return to the apple saga: Griffin admits he ate a small apple that had been on the floor, invoking more brotherly razzing.
• Joking about diet changes post-colonoscopy (“One apple during my audio recording window”).

Advice Segment 2: Accidental Mail Theft—Birkenstock Slippers

[20:19–25:10]

• Listener dilemma: Accepted and gifted neighbor’s misdelivered Birkenstock slippers, now the original owner wants them back.
• “A week is not long enough” to justify opening someone else’s mail (mail fraud!).
• The brothers suggest the only recourse is to buy and send a replacement pair.
• Jokes about elaborate lies (“porch pirates” and “the Grinch got them”).
• Travis shares his own story about unexpected Amazon boogie board deliveries.

Munch Squad: Brand Eating & Weird New Products

[29:57–36:44]

• Munch Squad segment delves into:
  • Jenny’s Bridgerton Ice Cream:
    • Bridgerton-themed flavors: Queen Charlotte Sponge Cake and Earl Grey Crème Brulee.
    • Travis, a Bridgerton enthusiast, critiques the show/ice cream choices.
    • Jokes spiral into odd crossovers with “smoke monsters” and fanfiction-like absurdity.
  • Subway’s Protein Pockets:
    • Skepticism about “protein” source at Subway, with fast-paced riffs about questionable food science and altar-style checkout.

Advice Segment 3: Exclusion from “Young Hip Managers” Group Chat

[36:51–44:34]

• Listener question: How to get into the mysterious Young Hip Managers chat at work.
• The brothers unpack the hazards and ironies of group chats:
  • Maybe it’s ironic; maybe you’re better off not being included.
  • Jokes about fantasy football chat traps.
  • Ideas for “proving” you are cool enough, e.g., spinning chemistry flasks or starting a robot fight club.
  • Admitting that wanting to be in a group chat is usually worse than just being excluded.

Advice Segment 4: Secret Child & Landlord Honesty

[44:47–49:38]

• Listener confesses to hiding a child from their landlord for years—how to come clean if they want to apply for a better property from the same landlord.
• The brothers consider:
  • How/whether to “introduce” the child (suggestions range from fake “short uncle” identity to classic trench coat disguises and “growing a boy in the backyard” like in a fantasy film).
  • Is it really necessary to come clean? Does the landlord even care?
  • “The longer you go, the funnier it is.” (Griffin, 46:48)

Wrap-Up: Announcements & Show’s New Ending Gag

[50:00–52:48]

• Upcoming streams and merchandise plugs.
• New ending tradition proposed: one brother throws something at the wall “to see if it sticks.”
• The episode closes with this live sound effect and their signature “kiss your dad square on the lips” sign-off.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Avatar & Colonoscopy:
  • “There’s a chart that shows you how good you did at cleaning out your colon…clear water pee from the butt.” — Griffin, [07:31]
• Advice, MBMBaM-style:
  • “I think you should just tell your realtor that you have IBS. IBS has been around for so long, it’s like, yeah, I’m one of the ones that has irritable bowels.” — Justin, [16:15]
• On Mail Fraud:
  • “We’ve been doing ads for stamps.com for so long, we’re basically mandatory reporters when it comes to postal fraud.” — Griffin, [24:11]
• Subway Skepticism:
  • “So far in this alert, they have not specified what the protein is in a way that makes me wildly uncomfortable, from a company known for questionable ingredients.” — Travis, [35:55]
• On Workplace Group Chats:
  • “There’s nothing less hip than looking at a neighbor’s laptop.” — Griffin, [42:46]
• Landlord Child Dilemma:
  • “What if you just say, this is my short uncle?” — Griffin, [45:38]
  • “The longer you go, the funnier it is.” — Griffin, [46:50]

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:08] — Show start, apple incident, life updates
• [02:29] — Avatar 3 & colonoscopy humor (“Wire and Ass”)
• [05:04] — Colonoscopy prep in detail; “clear water pee from the butt”
• [12:45] — Advice: House-hunting and IBS
• [20:19] — Advice: Birkenstock slippers debacle
• [29:57] — Munch Squad: Bridgerton Ice Cream & Subway Protein Pockets
• [36:51] — Advice: Excluded from “Young Hip Managers”
• [44:47] — Advice: Secret child & landlord honesty
• [50:00] — Wrap-up, upcoming events, new “throw something at the wall” tradition

---

Summary: Episode Tone and Takeaways

If you missed the episode, you’ll hear MBMBaM in full form: bodily function humor, deep pop-culture tangents, playful sibling antagonism, and genuine real-world advice filtered through absurdity. Whether riffing on Hollywood spectacle, the indignities of medical prep, or the weirdness of office group chats, the McElroys keep things light, inclusive, and reliably ridiculous.

Listeners will leave with a smile, some questionable new mantras (“clear water pee from the butt!”), and the knowledge that, as always, life is better (and funnier) with the brothers.

Transcript

[Justin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

[Montaigne]

It's the start of something beautiful A small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into a precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life, it feels like. It's better it's better with you My life, ah. It's better it's better with you this is true it's better it's better with two.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's better with you hello and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era, where apparently we're not even allowed to cough anymore.

[Travis McElroy]

You weren't coughing.

[Justin McElroy]

Off the ground. Why was it on the ground?

[Travis McElroy]

And you waited until.

[Griffin McElroy]

Audio podcast.

[Travis McElroy]

We finished.

[Justin McElroy]

Synced like we synced. And then you knew it was game time. And you reached down a.

[Travis McElroy]

Then you were like. Bite of apple.

[Griffin McElroy]

They had a coughing fit.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Chewing fit.

[Griffin McElroy]

That sounded like me eating an apple.

[Travis McElroy]

And look like.

[Justin McElroy]

And look like it. We saw it. Why was it on the ground? Why did you have a ground apple?

[Travis McElroy]

We have done so much work on our video setups, Justin, for you to keep saying, that's not for them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, Guys, I. I've sipped. Can I just say, I've sipped so greedily from the chalice of life. Yeah. Since we last recorded, I both saw the third Avatar movie and had my.

[Travis McElroy]

First colonoscopy at the same time.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, that would have been very convenient.

[Justin McElroy]

Even though that is the way that the director, Jim Cameron, did intend for you to see the third act.

[Travis McElroy]

Fire and Ass.

[Justin McElroy]

Wire and Ass is.

[Griffin McElroy]

Guys, can I just tell you, this is the. I won't tell you. Which do you want to hear about?

[Justin McElroy]

Shit.

[Travis McElroy]

I guess that's my question. What do you want to hear about? Can you talk about it in a way that it applies to both of them at the same time?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Compare and contrast.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, that's cool.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, I meant, like, make big, broad, general statements.

[Justin McElroy]

It took longer than I would have wanted. Like that kind of stuff.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right. There were some surprisingly funny parts. I liked it when the whale talked.

[Travis McElroy]

There was a twist.

[Justin McElroy]

Sigourney Weaver was.

[Griffin McElroy]

When I sat down. Slice and I were gonna go see Fire and Ash. Dad was going to see A movie with the girls at the same time. So we were just gonna hitch a ride, you know, and really embrace fire and ash. Like, really get deep into the world. And I pulled up my app, my special app I use to tell me when to pee. You know, run pee.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I. And I saw it said, 3 hours and 15 minutes until credits. And I tried to, like, I figured it was a bug, so I tried to make my phone refresh.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I looked at Slice, and I said, slice is this motherfucker. Three hours, 15 minutes long. And I almost, at that point was like, I. Not even for the vine, my man. Not even. I have to go. I can't stay for Avatar.

[Travis McElroy]

Has anyone let Jimmy Cameron know that they have. Let him make multiples of these and he doesn't have to squeeze it all into one experience.

[Justin McElroy]

Just curious, how many pee breaks were in this bad boy? Cause that sounds like three dozen. Like, good, fertile grounds.

[Griffin McElroy]

I took five.

[Justin McElroy]

All right?

[Griffin McElroy]

I took five and one of them. I went and bought gummy snakes and then found the theater that my kids were in watching spongebob and went and just saw how they were doing, brought us a good. Like, just checked in on them for a little bit, and just like a little field trip in the middle of Jim's vision.

[Travis McElroy]

I haven't checked the runtimes, Justin, but I imagine there's Some disparity betwixt Spongebob and Avatar 3.

[Justin McElroy]

Did they see it twice? Did they do it before?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, when they finish. Did they just wait the hour and 45 minutes for your movie to be done?

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, guys, there's a lot to do at Pullman Square. I don't know if you haven't noticed, but it's not just a movie theater anymore. There is a Chico's.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, sure. So did you see the movie because it sound like you left the movie because you thought it would be too long?

[Griffin McElroy]

No, I left in the middle of the movie for a while and then came back. This movie was so long that I, like. I disassociated and then had the thought, like, there is no way this movie is still going. I, like, completely left spiritually, too. That doesn't count the five physical absences that I took during the movie, which will be a really new textured experience when I watch at home with the family gathered around now.

[Travis McElroy]

Were you able to. Suddenly, it will all make sense.

[Justin McElroy]

Were you able to similarly kind of astral project while you were getting your butt examined, your butt and butthole looked at.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you guys know about the whole I had to drink a liter of diuretics. In addition to not eating the day before, I had to drink four liters of diuretics. I didn't drink a jug this big.

[Justin McElroy]

That's a big jug.

[Griffin McElroy]

And they're like. When I call, when I. They're like, we're about to start. This is how you do the prep. And they hand me this huge jug that I had to drink, and they.

[Travis McElroy]

Chanted your name and said, down in one. Down in one.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is no problem for me. I can drink lots of stuff. No problem. It looked like your big jug that you have, Griffin, your big water jug.

[Justin McElroy]

But then motivational jug.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's a twist in the instructions where you have to start drinking at 6. So I had to start drinking at 6pm the night before my procedure. And then every 15 minutes, another cup. So, like, I did my own little power hour on diuretics.

[Justin McElroy]

Johnny. 40 hands with fucking diarrhea juice.

[Travis McElroy]

You are allowed to sleep, though, right?

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, Trav, that's so interesting. Legally, yes. From a legal perspective.

[Justin McElroy]

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

[Travis McElroy]

As you slosh around like a hot water bag.

[Griffin McElroy]

This was the actual procedure. I had to drink every 15 minutes, a cup of it. And then at first, for the first hour, I was like, I don't think this laxative is working. And then I was wrong.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then I. I did that for three hours, every 15 minutes until I drank three liters. And then you have to start the next round five hours before your procedure, which for me was 2am So I had to wake up at 2am Start drinking laxative. Couldn't go back to bed during this, guys, because, like, the laxative does practical.

[Travis McElroy]

It's not a relaxative. You know what I mean, right?

[Griffin McElroy]

I watch Predator Killer of Killers, man. And if you need a movie up at 2am, your colonoscopy laxative.

[Justin McElroy]

I have to imagine your nerves. Your nerves are already on edge. What? From all the laxity, I imagine introducing the predator into that mix is overload.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, no. It was exactly the sensory distraction that I needed. Predator Killer. If Killer the Predator was there for.

[Travis McElroy]

You when you needed him most, I.

[Justin McElroy]

Wanted to go in.

[Griffin McElroy]

There is a chart that shows you how good you did at cleaning out your colon. And it's like a leaderboard. If your last BM looked like, clear, like, that's what we're going for, is clear water pee for the butt. If your last home is clear, you get an A plus.

[Justin McElroy]

Is that how the doctor. Is that what the doctor said to you is clear water pee from the butt. They say you can't get our.

[Travis McElroy]

You had clear water, Florida pee from the butt this morning.

[Justin McElroy]

We know it's important for you to do this exam. Gentlemen of your age should certainly be safe and keep an eye out for stuff. But we won't do it. We won't do it until we get clear water pee from the butt.

[Travis McElroy]

We've noticed there's still some satans in your system. We're waiting for you to go. Clear water pee from the butt.

[Justin McElroy]

Autotho Right out of there, buddy.

[Travis McElroy]

It was.

[Griffin McElroy]

I had to wait about two hours before I could really get it going and before I get the anesthesia and stuff. And I was separated by a very thin curtain from strangers getting a very similar procedure to me who were being asked a lot of invasive questions that the gentleman next to me was pretty determined to answer at his loudest possible volume. I don't want to dox this guy by telling you what the questions he was asked were, but the answer was like, I don't know if I have diabetes or not. This is good. Yeah. Not quite clear. More of a brown and mucky. It's like I was in my head feeling very superior.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And she's like, show me on the chart. He's like, well, let me take a look here. Say, oh, no. Oh, no, pal. But I had the. I got a super clean bill of colon health that loved it. Love the colon. Said I've been taking a bit too much ibuprofen.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh.

[Griffin McElroy]

Which is interesting because the risk doctor told me to gobble up, like, Pac man. So I don't know, man.

[Travis McElroy]

These doctors, did they find the ibuprofen still kind of clumped up down there? There's still like eight or nine ibuprofen in here.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, it just is all, like, messed up and bad down there. You know what I mean? Like, you know how you're not supposed to take a lot of. You know, it's just messed up.

[Justin McElroy]

They're like, the plumbing. Plumbing works. Esthetically, it's. That's not so great. We've seen better colons.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm cutting back on that. But. No, but the colon was great. I did this because I turned 45. And James Van Der Beek has been raising awareness about getting these screenings done. 45 is the cutoff for mine because James has been raising awareness of colon cancer. And I wanted to get it out. And ahead of it, I got a clean bill of health. And when you turn 45, if you haven't gotten a colonoscopy, Yet. And you also haven't seen Killer of Killers yet. Sure.

[Justin McElroy]

Or Avatar Fire and Ash because it really juices.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or Avatar Fire and Ash would be actually a. Actually that would be a. When it's available to stream on home video. That would be an excellent late night erotic colonoscopy.

[Justin McElroy]

Maybe not during the colonoscopy, but while you're drinking the juice. For sure. Like the number of run. I mean, it'd be Run Pee from the butts, which is a different app that we're starting. And we're gonna be sued out of existence by the universe.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gotta have clear water.

[Travis McElroy]

Pee from water.

[Justin McElroy]

Is it too late to change the theme of year?

[Travis McElroy]

I did Want to touch 2020 drip.

[Justin McElroy]

2020 drips. Clear water pee from the butt.

[Travis McElroy]

We're not changing the year.

[Justin McElroy]

It's so good, you guys.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know.

[Travis McElroy]

How are you feeling?

[Griffin McElroy]

Really great.

[Justin McElroy]

One week out, actually, we recorded that, what, almost two weeks out now. How are you guys feeling about it?

[Travis McElroy]

I love it.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm loving it.

[Travis McElroy]

I've been living with it.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's great.

[Travis McElroy]

The more I live with it, the more I love it. I have been. As you guys know, I'm very active on MySpace and I've seen some questions about who the Big Boy is.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, my God.

[Travis McElroy]

And I thought this was self explanatory.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

We said it's a boy in a hospital.

[Travis McElroy]

A boy in a hospital who's counting on you to stick to your goals for the year. Right.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. I maintain that the Big Boy could also be, like, inside of you, like the witness of you, like your consciousness or whatever.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I maintain that for the right price, it could literally be Frish's Big Boy if they would just pick up the phone and call.

[Travis McElroy]

So I want you all to put listeners, yourself, in the mindset of that baseball player who the Big Boy is. Like, just throw a heater, just one heater for me. But maybe it's like the Big Boy's like, hey, you know how you've been thinking about learning French for a while? Do that for me. I'm dying.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, but like, don't get too hung up on that part, not dying part.

[Travis McElroy]

He's dying, imaginary boy.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, but you need to do it. Do it for someone.

[Griffin McElroy]

But even the imaginary boy shouldn't die. Like, the boy in My Girl was imaginary, but his death still causes great pain.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, maybe if we finally learn French, he won't die.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, maybe. I mean, no.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you trying to get to, like a yearly submission? Cause you realize that we do not Have a way of ending this episode?

[Travis McElroy]

No. So I'm glad that you brought that up, Johnson, because part of my make it stick is to stick with the fears. Because I really like it and I want to make that stick.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Justin McElroy]

I kind of thought we didn't discuss that beforehand, did it?

[Griffin McElroy]

I think we're going to have to make it stick. Stick like stick the landing for the first time in our 15 year career.

[Justin McElroy]

Make it stick. Just go back to Yahoo Answers. No problem.

[Griffin McElroy]

That would be good. That would be good. Hey, this is still an advice show. That's not changing.

[Travis McElroy]

No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right. That's consistent. That will not change. And we're going to take your questions and turn the alchemy like into wisdom. Because it's our trade.

[Travis McElroy]

That's what we do.

[Griffin McElroy]

My wife and I. That's what we do. So when we do our job. My wife and I are starting to look at houses. I was afraid to look at them for a long time too. I used to shield my eyes as my father.

[Travis McElroy]

It's too much.

[Griffin McElroy]

My wife and I are starting to look at houses. We got married in October.

[Travis McElroy]

Yay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Our realtor keeps sending us suggestions that only have one bathroom. This would be probably fine for a typical couple, but we both have IBS and need two plus bathrooms. So. Good plus there. The plus is doing some heavy lifting. How do I tell the realtor that one bathroom just won't cut it? That's from problems in Providence.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, obviously you can tell your realtor that you really only need a home with two plus bathrooms. Please don't. Realtors will keep showing you shit. Like there is no amount of asking you can do. Or the realtor's not gonna be like, but maybe. I know that you guys both have pooping emergencies every day, but. But look how charming. And the price per square foot of this one is good. Sorry about the poop emergency thing, but I am gonna show it to you.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's no way. But like, if you say I need two bathrooms and if they say why, you have to have an answer prepared. Yeah. What are you gonna. You'll just freeze. You gotta know why.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't think there should be.

[Travis McElroy]

To be fair though, I don't feel like having two bathrooms is a wild request that you would need two bathrooms. La dee da.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why? Yeah, but obviously they. Obviously they felt like they needed to justify it at some point. That's true. If you guys want to continue to challenge the premise of the existence of the question, we can. But it feels like it might be More fruitful to just truck right through.

[Travis McElroy]

This never comes up on like House Hunters or House Hunters International or House Hunters Beachfront or House Hunters, I don't know is they're never. The requests are never like how many bedrooms or bathrooms they need.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

So maybe if you throw out eight weird things that you need and two bathrooms and then you're willing to listen of the eight weird things as long as there are two bathrooms there.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't think they let you do that. I think they want. If you're gonna be on the show, you gotta have weird stuff. They can't have you be on the show and be like, I take when my dumps come. They gotta come now. And same for. And same for the Mrs.

[Griffin McElroy]

So I watched the House Hunters recently. I love when they do this. The guy was like, I love a wide view. I want to be up high where I can see a lot of stuff. And the wife is like, my main thing I'm looking for is I'm scared of heights and I don't want to be up there at all. And they cut to the realtor. It's like, what do you want this fucking guy to do, man? What do I do to him? Yeah, she doesn't want to be low in the middle. You're both sad, right? There is no. There's no winning for this.

[Travis McElroy]

I got you a real sloped house where one side of it's real low.

[Justin McElroy]

I got you a one story ranch style with a big periscope. Big.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm always on the. I'm always looking for the producers trying to work their magic. This does feel like one of those cases where like fear of heights real. This guy. Like, I just like to be up high. Sometimes I think maybe a producer told.

[Justin McElroy]

You you feel that way, Maybe go somewhere.

[Griffin McElroy]

Nobody just like wants to be high a lot.

[Travis McElroy]

There was one I saw where a guy's like, refusal. Like, not if it has. Was not if it has too many outlets.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, too many outlets.

[Travis McElroy]

When has that ever been a problem for anybody?

[Justin McElroy]

Fucking never, man. God damn. We've moved a lot of our shit around for our video stuff. And that involved me putting my desk in the center of my office where outlets don't live. I have been absolutely just pipe dreaming it to glory over here for the last week. Just running electricity just like a county lineman. Am I making it work? I think you should just tell your realtor that you have ibs. I think there's no stigma. IBS is so non stigma in my mind at this point. There's so much other stuff. And IBS has been around for so long, it's like, yeah, I'm one of the ones that has irritable bowels.

[Travis McElroy]

If you're looking for a fun way to tell your realtor, bring him a six pack of IBC root beer. But you've marked out the C and you've written in an S, and it's like, I have something I need to tell you, but I think this will explain it all as you hand it to him. And you won't have to say anything.

[Griffin McElroy]

You just need to invent another toilet purpose. Like, it doesn't have to. Just like, I need one for obvious and one to flush paints when I'm done with paint. I like to flush paints when I'm done with.

[Travis McElroy]

We love keeping fish, but we're so bad at keeping fish. Yeah, and we need one to be the graveyard toilet.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cut it out the middle. We raise them in there. Travis, that would actually save a lot of time, man. If the fish are in the toilet, the fish die. Flush, flush.

[Justin McElroy]

Done.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right.

[Justin McElroy]

The missus and I are making a real stinky potion, and we need a special cauldron just for that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Who can afford these wine prices currently in this day and age? Well, I'm gonna make my own.

[Justin McElroy]

You want me to just pour. You want me to pour my stinky potion fixins down the storm drain outside when I'm done with them? No way. I need a fixture for that. You all right? Juice?

[Montaigne]

Hmm?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes, sorry. Apple was about to roll off the table, so I looked down to catch the apple, and then I looked back.

[Justin McElroy]

Is that how the apple ended up on the floor the first time?

[Griffin McElroy]

Griffin, if I knew. If I had seen the apple fall the first time, I would have picked it up off the floor immediately.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm not. Because I asked many times, and he.

[Travis McElroy]

Would have discovered gravity.

[Justin McElroy]

It never came back to it, but I asked a few times. Why did you have dead ass. An apple on the floor? Like, I've got stuff on the floor. I've got a box here. I have an open. And there's my controllers on the floor. Like, I've got stuff on the floor. There's. Let me check. Zero fresh edible produce.

[Griffin McElroy]

So, like, I had recently dropped it. It had recently fallen.

[Travis McElroy]

I have a knife on the floor.

[Griffin McElroy]

But I don't know exactly when. I didn't clock it falling exactly, but I had been enjoying it moments before.

[Justin McElroy]

And then it ended up on the floor. And then you picked it up off the floor.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't want to. I don't want to. I realized when I was getting my colonoscopy, I don't want to be stuck in a hospital bed. I gotta take care of my engine. Right.

[Travis McElroy]

So I'm giving it an apple.

[Griffin McElroy]

A lot more.

[Travis McElroy]

A small.

[Griffin McElroy]

A lot more Grape produce.

[Justin McElroy]

That's the smallest apple I've ever seen.

[Travis McElroy]

My man, he's saying I'm making some big changes this year. One apple during my audio recording window.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Let me see that bad boy. Beauty blog that shit. Beauty blog that tiny apple.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, he's taking a couple bites out of that.

[Justin McElroy]

Just. That's. Hold it still for me. You can see the exact shape. Justin, that apple is as big exactly as Justin's mouth. One of your bites goes that goes stem to stern on that thing. Nope, right in the gum. You spit that out right now, peepers.

[Travis McElroy]

You're Galactus the apple eater. That's wild. Almost got it.

[Justin McElroy]

These are cool tricks.

[Griffin McElroy]

Almost gotta hold it. Nope.

[Justin McElroy]

This is what you get with videos.

[Griffin McElroy]

We shouldn't have video.

[Justin McElroy]

We shouldn't have video.

[Griffin McElroy]

That was the problem. I dropped a goddamn apple again.

[Travis McElroy]

And now it's definitely covered in something. Cause it's wet with your mouth goop.

[Griffin McElroy]

But I'm hungry. Yeah, I won't eat it during podcast, though.

[Justin McElroy]

That's huge.

[Griffin McElroy]

Anymore. Anymore.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

I didn't realize this was shmanners. Yeah, I thought you. I didn't realize this turned into schmanners all of a sudden. Travis, we all have to be so etiquette.

[Justin McElroy]

Feels like we're on schmanners.

[Griffin McElroy]

Our apples.

[Travis McElroy]

Whoa, Griffin, why are you saying. Adjust it?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, it feels like we're all on shmanners, right, guys?

[Griffin McElroy]

I promised him two small apples.

[Travis McElroy]

Ah, damn it.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, it's actually. Man. Somehow we end up with three bags of rockets. I'm just trying to get my kids to eat these tiny apples. I don't know.

[Justin McElroy]

I love those.

[Griffin McElroy]

A few weeks ago, a package for the previous owners of my house showed up on my doorstep. I brought it inside and waited. About a week after which I opened it. When I opened it, I found a pair of Birkenstock slippers that fit my partner perfectly, so I gifted them to her. A few days after that, a note was slipped through my mail slot by the previous owner explaining that they mistakenly had an ex was present, shipped to the wrong address, and asking if I would text him to arrange picking up the slippers. Brother, what do I do? A slippery situation in Baltimore.

[Justin McElroy]

That's a boy. That's a slippery situation indeed.

[Travis McElroy]

I put this question in because sometimes we get questions where we're like, oh, you fucked up. You have to know you fucked up.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

It's the clearest. Like, what did I do wrong?

[Justin McElroy]

A week is not long enough. A week is not long enough.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know that, right?

[Justin McElroy]

Week's not long enough.

[Travis McElroy]

It's also mail fraud.

[Justin McElroy]

Boom.

[Travis McElroy]

We got you before.

[Justin McElroy]

Before Christmas too. Is. There's a few things about the timing here that is hugely sus. I would have definitely, definitely given it until the new year at the very least.

[Travis McElroy]

You know what?

[Griffin McElroy]

Sometimes people on TikTok mispronounce words intentionally to build engagement because everyone in the comments will be like, hey, you said this, right. This feels like a cry for help in that same sense. Right? Like you, you needed us to step in. Like you need. I don't want to be. I worry. It's a kink a little bit. It's like, you know, beat up in public. They want to get beat up in public.

[Travis McElroy]

One time I opened. I got several huge boxes to my front door. I opened one of them. Inside is, I believe, 10 foam boogie boards.

[Griffin McElroy]

Shit.

[Travis McElroy]

That I did not order but had been. I remember this in maybe the strangest scam ever scammed like on my Amazon, like to my card. I was able to get the charges refunded.

[Griffin McElroy]

To his home though, right? Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

To my home.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sent like you got them.

[Travis McElroy]

The perfect crime. And I was able to get the charges refunded. Still sitting in my garage.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Are three boxes of 10 to 12 foam boogie boards.

[Justin McElroy]

Uh huh.

[Travis McElroy]

That I don't know what to do with for fear that one day Amazon will contact me and say, hey, hey, we gave you the refund. We do need those back.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, Trav, when the big one comes, I think you'll be glad to have 10 premium boogie boards. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, 30 to 36. I can't remember the exact count. Griffin.

[Justin McElroy]

That's a lot of.

[Travis McElroy]

I have enough for a child's classroom.

[Justin McElroy]

To get a boogie board or for some sort of survival bunker. Floating survival bunker. Noah's Ark 2, boogie down.

[Travis McElroy]

Or if robots that only have like nerf level weapons attack. I've got a bunch of shields.

[Justin McElroy]

A week's not long enough. We've really harped on that. And I do wanna upstart.

[Travis McElroy]

It's not long enough.

[Griffin McElroy]

I do wanna. I don't want to. I feel like you kind of made your own bed. Shouldn't be our problem.

[Justin McElroy]

But no, we're professional.

[Griffin McElroy]

But no, that's not. We're professionals. I know, I know, I know it's so hard because you Messed up so bad, it wouldn't be really bad.

[Justin McElroy]

This is hard on.

[Travis McElroy]

Does your partner know how these Birkenstock slippers were? Because one, you're not gonna. You shouldn't take it back and then give them to them. You should get a new pair or something.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gotta get a new pair.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, damn it. The porch. Oh, damn it.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know what it was?

[Justin McElroy]

Aw, them damn porch pirates got me again.

[Travis McElroy]

I never got it. Now this is the lie.

[Justin McElroy]

These damn porch pirates got me again.

[Travis McElroy]

Yard.

[Justin McElroy]

Yard. I never got it, so I don't know what you're talking about. Must've been the Buccaneers.

[Travis McElroy]

Now we do have. If we ever get questioned, we'll flip on you so hard.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

The speed at which I will say, yeah, they emailed us. They got the slippers.

[Justin McElroy]

That should be.

[Griffin McElroy]

We've been doing ads for stamps.com for so long, we're basically mandatory reporters when it comes to postal fraud.

[Travis McElroy]

So there's very little fraud I care about, but it's postal fraud and frog fraud.

[Justin McElroy]

I think you gotta replace the thing and then give it to them. But, God, that's stressful. Cause are you gonna get the exact right one?

[Griffin McElroy]

Also, can I tell you something else? You can't get that packaging back. You can't. You'd have to go to. Okay, you know what you have to do? You have to go to Amazon. You have to buy these for that person. Yeah, right. And then have them shipped to your. To that former address, right?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the only pl. That's the only way out.

[Travis McElroy]

And you better pray you can get it there quickly. Cause if those damn things are on backorder, it's gonna be two to three weeks. You're gonna have to come up with a pretty hefty lie as you haven't found him yet.

[Justin McElroy]

Dude, I'd love to help you out. It got Grinched. He did. He's real.

[Travis McElroy]

He came.

[Justin McElroy]

He got us good. Dude, your shit.

[Travis McElroy]

Don't get me wrong, I'm on his trail and I think I'll catch up to him in two to three weeks.

[Justin McElroy]

Your Christmas tree is still up right there. Yeah, it's weird. He only. He only. He only wants shoes. He's a fucking. He's nasty and weird, so he wanted only the shoes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, let's take a quick break and we're gonna head on into the money zone. It's.

[Travis McElroy]

I had an idea for a new kind of direction with the Money Zone. Oh, that I wanted to try. I thought we could do like an altar call. Oh, where you guys Give me some quiet, like Amazing Grace in the background.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. I could get like. Yeah, let me get GarageBand open on my phone while you start the copy points.

[Travis McElroy]

Now. Hey, everybody. I know we've had a lot of fun here today. And a lot of you guys have already come to Squarespace and accepted your trial with Squarespace. You've tried Squarespace out, but I just feel. I feel like out there there's still some people and, you know, you're thinking about it. You know what I mean? It's in your hearts, but you're not sure. And listen.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. We know that you get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. And in your heart.

[Griffin McElroy]

Griffin's almost ready for you to start traveling.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm almost there. I just. I can't figure out how to change this. Nope.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, you get it when you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

And plus, you can streamline your workflow.

[Griffin McElroy]

I thought you said your piano is like within reach now with built in.

[Travis McElroy]

Appointments, scheduling and email marketing tools. And it's calling to you.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can feel it.

[Justin McElroy]

I understand.

[Travis McElroy]

So we're just gonna do a couple more. Couple more stanzas here to give you a chance to consider their cutting edge designs, their award winning templates. Everything you need, you know, I accepted.

[Griffin McElroy]

Grimmon is thoughtfully changing the melody enough so we don't get automatched by the bots. He's like mixing it up a little bit.

[Travis McElroy]

And you know, Squarespace has done so much for us, so much for me. So much changed my life. Squarespace has been there for me. And I know that you're ready for Squarespace to be there for you, to set you up with that website you need.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thanks, Trav. Give me the offer code.

[Travis McElroy]

All right, we're gonna say it one last time. Head to squarespace.com mybrother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code mybrother all one word to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Justin McElroy]

Amen.

[Griffin McElroy]

Griffin has gone fully Frampton comes alive over there.

[Travis McElroy]

Wow.

[Justin McElroy]

That was pretty cool.

[Travis McElroy]

And I think we should just do that from now on.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, that felt good. Let's see. Squarespace. Did you like that? You never tell us.

[Travis McElroy]

Look at us. Senpai. Senpai.

[Griffin McElroy]

Just tell us if you're listening, Squarespace. Send us a message. The checks are still clearing, so something.

[Travis McElroy]

That'S got to be working. Respect me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Say, what's the trivia show where dreams Come true.

[Justin McElroy]

It's gotta be Go fact yourself.

[Travis McElroy]

Legend in the house.

[Griffin McElroy]

We quiz celebrity contestants about topics they.

[Justin McElroy]

Love, then bring out surprise experts to delight and amaze.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then finally tell us why you know and love the lyrics to the song Knockin Boots by Candyman.

[Justin McElroy]

Joining us tonight is a rapper and producer. It's Candyman.

[Montaigne]

Hello, Candyman.

[Travis McElroy]

This is among the greatest moments of my life.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is one of mine too. I'm loving it.

[Justin McElroy]

That's Go fact yourself.

[Griffin McElroy]

Twice a month, every month here on maximum fun.

[Max Fun Announcer]

Since 2017, after every Max Fund drive, we've held a sale for Max Fund members where all of the proceeds go to a non profit. In December, we donated $43,000 to Transgender Law Center. 43,000. Thank you to all the Max Fund members who made this possible. Transgender Law center champions the right of all transgender and gender non conforming people to live freely, safely and authentically. A mission that everyone at Max Fund supports. If you'd like to learn more or make an additional donation, go to transgenderlawcenter.org and for anyone who needs to hear this, you belong here. You deserve to be able to be yourself. And we love you.

[Justin McElroy]

Cool. All right.

[Griffin McElroy]

What a Mud Squad. A what too? Munchquad Mud Squad. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Welcome to Mud Squad. It's a podcast within a podcast. Latest you guys in brand eating. There's a ton going on right now in the world of food and fast eating. I want to tell you guys, though, I'm excited about Jenny's launching an ice cream collaboration with Bridgerton. That's right, Bridgerton Ice Cream. The partnership. The collaboration that everyone has been waiting for for many, many years, since Bridgerton was extremely popular.

[Travis McElroy]

Now I've seen every episode of Bridgerton in existence. I think I'm the only person to have done that.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And they're still making it, Trav, for you, I assume.

[Travis McElroy]

I can't wait for the Benedict season. Are you kidding me? He's my favorite second brother. Bit of just like a rapscallion out there living his life, doing his art or whatever. I'm so excited. Are you kidding me?

[Justin McElroy]

I can't watch Bridgerton without eating ice cream.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, Trav, they're gonna capture the decadence of the Regency era and popular Netflix and Shondaland series with these two iced creams. Gout flavor. Making its first appearance on the 15th of January is Queen Charlotte sponge cake ice cream. Royals have been immortalized in confections and Queen Charlotte sponge cake is Jenny's tribute To the fashionable and discerning monarch of the ton. Huh? It is a brown sugar and almond buttercream ice cream filled with raspberry rose jam and honey sponge cake.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm just gonna say Queen Charlotte. Not really a important figure in the books. I don't know if she's present in the books at all. Was wholly made up as a character. I mean, not made up. She was an existing person, but you know what I mean. Added for the TV show. So weird that they went that direction. Kind of a snub to the literary folk.

[Justin McElroy]

Is Bridgerton just sort of period piece Entourage Discuss.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, it's a period piece. OC in a lot of ways.

[Justin McElroy]

Don't you fucking say that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sounds extremely good. It is.

[Justin McElroy]

It's fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a fun show that makes me watched. I watched it at the beginning, Bridgerton. And then there was an entire episode that hung on a young lady being surprised by the idea of jizz and not understanding the mysteries of jizz, if you will, as Cindy and I have begun to refer to it the Secret of the ooze. And when she discovered the secret of the ooze, I was kind of done with Bridgerton.

[Justin McElroy]

Ritlong. I watched Bridgerton.

[Travis McElroy]

What's it like to have hardened your heart that much, Justin?

[Griffin McElroy]

It's fun.

[Travis McElroy]

It's innocent, but still sexy. And fun and sexy and innocent and fun and sexy.

[Justin McElroy]

I was watching Bridgerton, but it lost me. That episode where a smoke monster came out of that lady's privates and killed a guy.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh.

[Justin McElroy]

I said check, please.

[Travis McElroy]

Actually, I was gonna say that was lost, but I don't know what that was that you were watching Griffin.

[Justin McElroy]

It was Bridgerton Season 1. When the smoke monster comes out of.

[Travis McElroy]

Was it a fan made thing?

[Justin McElroy]

No, it's like a pretty important plot point. Like the guy who got killed is like a big character. I was upset.

[Travis McElroy]

What's his name?

[Justin McElroy]

Renly Baratheon.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think it was Cowboy Curtis. I might be mis.

[Travis McElroy]

No, they were together. So they. Yeah, they could turn into one another at will.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. For the second release, they're doing an Earl Grey creme brulee ice cream. Cool. Which is just fun to say.

[Justin McElroy]

Hell yeah, it is.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Wrapping the favorite tea blend enjoyed by the ton.

[Travis McElroy]

What character is that? Yeah, the ton. That's like the aristocrats of the, like, society.

[Griffin McElroy]

Here's the thing.

[Travis McElroy]

What character is that based on?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's just tea.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, tea. They're like tea.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is an interesting twist Jenny's has done. They've given us A. It's like a quote, but they haven't sourced it to anybody, if that makes sense. This is the next last paragraph in this. For this collaboration, Jenny's was inspired by the fantastical decadence of the Regency era brought to life in the scenes of Bridgerton. It was essential that the flavors feel like an extension of the essence of the show. Romantic, indulgent, and captivating ice creams that would linger long after they were gone. And to which you cannot wait to return whether you're a Bridgerton fan or not.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, probably the. If you're a Bridgerton fan one.

[Justin McElroy]

Probably that though, right?

[Griffin McElroy]

Probably that one would be what you would stick with.

[Montaigne]

More.

[Travis McElroy]

That quote was actually from Jonathan Bailey, star of Bridgerton. He's a big champion of this ice cream Bridgerton crossover. He's been pushing for it for years now in all of his interviews.

[Griffin McElroy]

I also wanted. This is more of an alert. I did want to let everybody know that Subway is doing protein pockets. All right.

[Justin McElroy]

What's that mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, you can sink it. They're protein pockets. They're packed with 20 grams. More than 20 grams of protein in these little tortillas. And here's the quote about it. Cause Dave Skinna's up in the mix. Getting more protein in their diet is important to so many people. But too often, that protein is expensive or fried. I like that part. Cause that's Subway saying, like, what isn't our food? Like, they're trying to go with, like, one of the two things. What isn't us?

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, has Dave Skana.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, it's not expensive.

[Justin McElroy]

Has Dave Scanner always been at Subway?

[Travis McElroy]

No. He used to be Donuts.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Good for him.

[Griffin McElroy]

Dave Skenna. Yeah, he. He relocated. Can I used to be with Crispr Creamy. Now he's with Subway.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin, I want to tell you what's bothering me.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've never read about Dave Sketta before, so I was not aware of Dave Skinna.

[Travis McElroy]

So far in this alert, they have not specified what the protein is in a way that makes me wildly uncomfortable. From a company known for questionable ingredients in one of their sandwiches.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

They've run into Baja Chicken, Peppercorn Ranch Chicken, Italian Trio, and turkey and ham. Getting more protein in your diet is turkey and ham. Turkey and ham. Turkey and ham. Turkey and ham. That protein is expensive or fried. With Subway's new protein pockets, they can get over 20 grams of protein for $3.99 without sacrificing take. And with our new sub of the day lineup. Yeah. Or you're your child.

[Travis McElroy]

You don't have to sacrifice anything.

[Justin McElroy]

No sacrifice. This is a Subway.

[Griffin McElroy]

You have to sacrifice 4.99 at the altar.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, also, we're replacing all of our point of sales with altars, so that's gonna be. That might throw you off a little bit.

[Griffin McElroy]

And we're now only accepting Zell and Blood Magic. Those are the only two currencies. Zeny Zell or Blood Magic or ass or grass or cash. Nobody eats Subway for free. I've been a manager for around a year now in the chemistry lab I work in. In one of the recent meetings with the rest of the management team, I happened to glance over at the laptop of a person sitting next to me and saw that they were in a team chat titled Young Hip Managers. I would like to think I'm reasonably hip. I'm also the youngest manager in the building. What can I do to subtly imply that I'm cool enough to be invited to the secret group chat? That's from Young but not Hip Enough in Ann Arbor. Oh, that's tough. That's a tough one. Nobody wants to think they're not young and cool and hip.

[Travis McElroy]

See, this is difficult because for me, I both know that I am neither young enough nor hip enough to be in a group chat that seems to be living by those ideals.

[Griffin McElroy]

But if it was like a strong, strong guys, like, you saw a chat. Strong guys, right? You're like, you look over and you're like, hey, wait, I'm not a strong guy.

[Travis McElroy]

If it was strong guy purple hair, I'd be like. I said, I definitely have purple hair.

[Griffin McElroy]

If it said that you've been Truman showed and you need to stop because that's gone too far. Right? That's. So they're doing a prank on you.

[Justin McElroy]

But then you look over and someone's got. They're on a thread called Limp Dick idiots and you're like, I'm glad I'm not in that one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, Count your blessings.

[Justin McElroy]

Count your blessings. Cool. Awesome. I'm un jealous.

[Griffin McElroy]

Maybe it's ironic. Maybe it's like they're kind of like the old boring managers. Okay. But they want so they're like the level of self awareness there like a winky. Sort of like, we're the ones that suck. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

We're old.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I get in that? You don't want.

[Justin McElroy]

You can't. They're so old and we're actually doing it.

[Travis McElroy]

You don't understand. You don't want in this.

[Justin McElroy]

I struggle with a part of this question, which is that, you know, you're not a part of this group chat. And when you share that information with us, you say, I happen to glance over at the laptop of the person sitting next to me. That suggests maybe you don't know who that person was and therefore, why would you be in a group. Why would you be in a group chat with them?

[Travis McElroy]

Is there anything that all the young hit managers are planning? Young hit manager things?

[Justin McElroy]

Guess so.

[Travis McElroy]

Maybe, maybe. Maybe it's fancy football managers and it has nothing to do with work.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Ooh, that's. Isn't that tricky when you find yourself in a fantasy football chat that happened over the holidays. A couple times, I realized two to three people around me were talking about fantasy football. And then if I stood there for long, long enough, they were going to ask me to join or they might just sign me up. I don't know how you get in fantasy football. It keeps happening to me neither, man. I keep ending up in these leagues and I don't know how it happens. So I try to be really careful about everything I do from now on.

[Justin McElroy]

Whenever football comes for me, it's like.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know how I keep contracting fantasy football for me.

[Justin McElroy]

It's. I keep getting group texts and I get messages from people whose numbers are not saved in my phone, and they'll say, shit like, carter's looking pretty good this year. And then an hour later, I am invited. I'm in a fantasy football league somehow.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's one of the earliest signs, you know, if you can get to it quickly, you can actually reverse all the symptoms of fantasy.

[Travis McElroy]

Time lost is time lost, as you always say.

[Justin McElroy]

Can you do. Is there something you can do at your chemistry lab? That would be fucking cool. Can you, like, spin a flask or.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, oh, yeah, vape some chemistry fumes.

[Justin McElroy]

Light your vape on a Bunsen burner. And people be like, that's like, you shouldn't. That shouldn't be fired. Shouldn't fire at all. My man, you're out. Get out of here.

[Griffin McElroy]

First strike, you're out. That's so stupid.

[Travis McElroy]

Don't do that. Yeah. I don't know that I've ever been added to a group chat and been excited to be like, there's some where. I'm like, yeah, okay, I'm happy to be here. This is fine. The idea of wanting to be added to a group chat that you were living your life perfectly fine, not being a part of before. Unless you're just like, it's not about the group chat. I don't want to Be in the group chat. I would immediately mute it. Yeah, but why aren't I a part of it?

[Justin McElroy]

If I'm talking to two of my friends and I'm like, you guys remember the movie Dunstan checks in, and then the next day, one of them has invited me to a group chat called Dunstan Lovers? It's like, this didn't need to be a. We didn't need to silo this particular conversation off. This could be part of it.

[Travis McElroy]

Also, why is it on the Dark Web? Why are there so many layers of security on Dunston Lovers?

[Griffin McElroy]

What's going on with this lab that we need so many goddamn managers anyway, man? What is at this lab that we did a stratification of management? It's a chemist. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Is the person sitting next to you even a manager? Maybe there's a group chat to talk about how cool and hip their young managers are. They're in there talking about how great you are. That's why you're not here.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's like an issue of Tiger Beat. Young managers, like, which manager has the dreamiest eyes? It's Prune Jeff. We love him.

[Justin McElroy]

Maybe they're chatting.

[Travis McElroy]

It's hugely problematic, of course.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Maybe they're chatting with their physical therapist for a pelvic injury that they suffered, and so now they have to learn from their young hip manager. That's not anything.

[Travis McElroy]

That might have been it, Griffin. You don't know.

[Justin McElroy]

No, that's not that.

[Travis McElroy]

Maybe they're organizing snacks by brand and it actually said young chip managers and you just misread it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Could be.

[Justin McElroy]

Could be. There's any number of reasons why you wouldn't be involved in a group chat that don't involve you not knowing the people in the group chat.

[Griffin McElroy]

But if you started wearing a backwards baseball cap and you made people like. You made people ask, and when they did ask, you say, I saw shit. No, you can't. Because you can't be like, I was looking at a. There's nothing less hip than looking at a neighbor's laptop.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean. Yeah, that's the bad story.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, it's just not hip. It wasn't hip that you looked. And you can't say, like, I saw it. Cause it's, like, so nigh hip.

[Justin McElroy]

I think.

[Travis McElroy]

Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go to these other managers and you're gonna say, I'm thinking about starting a group chat for us young hit managers.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, yikes.

[Travis McElroy]

Would you guys be interested?

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't say the exact.

[Justin McElroy]

You know, you gotta Change it a little bit.

[Griffin McElroy]

No.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, no, I heard it out loud. Yeah. I'm starting a group chat for us youthful, sexy, cool, crazy sexy cool managers.

[Justin McElroy]

I think it's gotta be more organic. I think you gotta do cool experiments. I think you guys show up next day, make an elephant toothpaste, point at it, point at everyone else, point at it again. Like, hey, check it, Mark Robert.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Start like a robot fight club.

[Justin McElroy]

Start a robot fight club in your chemistry. We're getting a little bit far from the exact.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, no, you wouldn't want to do it. That's separate from work, Griffin. Work still needs to happen. You know, manager is still a part of the young hit managers, Griffin.

[Justin McElroy]

No, yeah, I know, but this is specifically at work and so I don't know why they.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is this like, are they getting paid to manage it? Is it like the safety patrol? Like, what is with all these managers?

[Justin McElroy]

Maybe it's like a team, like an equipment manager where they're like making sure that everybody has all the chemicals and powders and reagents that they need access to.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want to highlight one detail in this that I've just noticed in one of the recent meetings with the rest of the management team is when this happened, you got some really? I think it is hugely, hugely rude to be in a meeting of other managers and be in your young hip managers chat. That is cruel because you know that that room, someone's gonna see. Like if you're trying to keep it secret. What is wrong with you?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Are you sure there were other people in this group chat with this person and not just them talking to themselves about how young and hip and cool they are?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right. Another question.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

We've been in the house, we're renting for five years. Four years ago I had a baby and I didn't tell my landlord it's a boy. When lease renewal came, I didn't want to tell them we had a whole extra person in the house. We never men. Now we're looking for a bigger place and our landlord has a great place in the exact area we want to live. How do we introduce our four year old without it being weird? That's from not kidding around. So many great, great options.

[Justin McElroy]

So many ways to pretend like you just kind of added a four year old to the situation. Can we do it?

[Travis McElroy]

I would like to posit to us, can we do it without accidentally tiptoeing into gaslighting?

[Justin McElroy]

No. I mean we could. It'll tie our hands behind our back in a major way. Are we Worried about doing bad stuff to a landlord?

[Griffin McElroy]

No.

[Justin McElroy]

Gaslighting is obviously not great, but to a landlord.

[Griffin McElroy]

Landlord. I mean, what if he just say, this is my short uncle.

[Justin McElroy]

Cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm just saying.

[Travis McElroy]

No, I love it.

[Justin McElroy]

Keep building on that.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is my short uncle. He's not huge on English yet. He is my uncle and I am taking care of him from his Benjamin Button disease. I would like very much.

[Justin McElroy]

That doesn't make any sense.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't have any questions about that.

[Justin McElroy]

Benjamin Button is not about a very short man who aged the normal way and was four at four.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Is that right? You'd be dealing with, if my math is correctly, 96 year old.

[Griffin McElroy]

Four year old, you guys. But did we not say basic, competent stage makeup? Assumed. Okay, like that's assumed.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Assumed.

[Justin McElroy]

I think short uncle's really promising. Who is that?

[Travis McElroy]

Would you also be surprised that the four year old is there? Why do you gotta. Oh God.

[Justin McElroy]

What? Why do you need to introduce your 4 year old? Why not keep the con going? Why not keep the con rolling? You do not need to own up to this.

[Griffin McElroy]

The longer you go, the funnier it is.

[Justin McElroy]

Uh huh.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like if you can make it to 10, that's quite a prestige. I gotta say.

[Travis McElroy]

10, they're not gonna, you know, James.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know, what are you talking. How did you miss the fact that we had a son for this long, a child? He's a congressman.

[Travis McElroy]

He's been around for a while is what I'm saying at that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, sure, I understand.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, there's always a trench coat. You can always.

[Justin McElroy]

Sure.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can always stand on the kids shoulders and wear a big trench coat.

[Justin McElroy]

Stand on the kids. Well, it sounds like if you'd always.

[Griffin McElroy]

Stand on the kid's shoulders and then wear a big trench coat. Pretend to be one person, one taller person. Then you tell the landlord, I got taller over the summer. I got the surgery to make you taller, but I'm wearing the trench coat to cover up the scars. Yeah, you could.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, I've never seen the Odd life of Timothy Green, but I've heard people talk about it. Say you grew him.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is that the one with Lin Manuel Miranda?

[Travis McElroy]

Is it? I think it's Jennifer Garner in it. You grew him and. Yeah, you planted a boy. You grew him.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, he grew.

[Travis McElroy]

He's only like three days old. You had good soil.

[Griffin McElroy]

You grew a boy.

[Travis McElroy]

You grew him.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you get charged more for Elise when you have a child living there too?

[Travis McElroy]

Are you? Maybe it's more of a social situation. If it's embarrassing. You didn't introduce him and now it's gone on so long you didn't know.

[Griffin McElroy]

Where to bring it up. I think that that's, that's reasonable. And now it's like, it's weird. Yeah, I get it. I think it's fine. Trench coat. One trench coat.

[Justin McElroy]

Trench coat's okay. Can we. Is there any wiggle room in the stacking order? Cause I think that putting adult on top of the four year old's shoulders.

[Griffin McElroy]

Griffin, I know what you're saying, dude. I know what you're saying.

[Justin McElroy]

But the alternative is. I know. It's a four year old's head and arms coming out of the huge giant body.

[Griffin McElroy]

It was almost enough to make me consign that idea to the dustbin of history and not say it, because both options, both permutations of it, are illogical and bad. But it had already left the gate, you know what I mean? So I just had to back the horse.

[Travis McElroy]

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. What about this? This is my child security guard. I've been threatened by a lot of children in the neighborhood lately and I can't get adults to beat up those children. So I hire this child as a bodyguard to beat up other children for me.

[Justin McElroy]

A reverse Drill Bit Taylor. Benjamin Button situation.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Drill bit Taylor Jr. Where he licenses his son out as Drill Bit Button.

[Justin McElroy]

Where he hires kid, a kid, a strong kid, to kick bully kids asses. That feels borderline criminal.

[Griffin McElroy]

Taylor too, when he's like 95, he's like, he needs protection because he hires a kid to protect him. Like a strong kid.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I just, I'm 95. I just started playing Fortnite. I'm getting absolutely fucking shit on. I need to hire the coolest 14 year old at the high school to be my fortnight Drill Bit Taylor. Yes, yes, yes. Make it Hollywood Fortnight. I know you guys are doing all kinds of media stuff. This is. This one's free.

[Travis McElroy]

Splash Jug Taylor.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes. Splash Jug Taylor. It's not going to get any better than that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast, my brother, my brother and me. It's this one, the one you're enjoying. You just enjoyed.

[Travis McElroy]

A couple quick announcements before we wrap up, folks. Clubhouse will return January 27th at noon Eastern time. We're going to be streaming on the last Tuesday of each month from now on.

[Griffin McElroy]

But, Travis, what are we going to be doing all the other Tuesdays, man?

[Travis McElroy]

I'm so glad you asked, Justin, because it was the next thing in the bullet points that we're doing Super McElroy Brothers video game stream next Tuesday, January 20th at noon Eastern time. It's going to stream all the other Tuesdays, plus a bunch of other video game content on our YouTube, all under the McElroy Entertainment System umbrella. So make sure you check that out.

[Griffin McElroy]

Also, we got some merch call that acelroyentertainmentsystem on Instagram.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, good call. We've got some merch over in the McElroy merch store. Besties tiebreaker coin featuring the one and only New York giraffe. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Immigrant Defenders Law Center. So make sure you check that [e-mail].

[Justin McElroy]

And now for the my name is Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

We gotta thank.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you, Montaigne for the use for a theme song, My Life Is Better with youh. It's a fantastic track. And the fact that I'm like terrified that I don't know what's going to happen next doesn't detract from the fact that I'm just a huge, big fan of it.

[Travis McElroy]

I was thinking, so for the ending that Gryffon could give us a little motivational speech as the big boy asking for the heater. Just to kind of establish a tone like Griffin's like a sick Victorian child.

[Justin McElroy]

Anyway, I was thinking I would pick something up off my desk and throw it at the wall as hard as I possibly could. And just like the sound of that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, Griffin. That's okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you like that?

[Griffin McElroy]

The end of every episode this year will be one of us throwing something at a wall to see if it sticks.

[Justin McElroy]

I got the mic against the wall now. So this is my.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't throw the mic, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

I'll use my lens cap.

[Griffin McElroy]

Use my lens cap. Make it sick.

[Justin McElroy]

I won't be able to hear. I gotta take my headphones off. Cause I'm gonna go around, I'm gonna behind the desk and just Absolutely, absolutely hum this fucking thing.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

Absolutely. Buzz it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sick, man. Sick. This is good. This is good podcast.

[Travis McElroy]

I like this energy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Three, two, one. Funny.

[Travis McElroy]

If it's Justin McElroy, I'm Travis McElroy. Yeah, that was good. I'm Travis McElroy.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm Griffin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

My brother. My brother makes me better than I. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Kiss your dad square on the lips. Lynscap. This is good. This is good.

[Montaigne]

My life, it's better, it's better with you. My life, it's better, it's better with you Is it true? It's better. It's better with you. My life. It's better with you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Maximum fun.

[Justin McElroy]

A worker owned network of artist owned shows supported directly by you.