My Brother, My Brother and Me Episode 799: "A Regular Human Footballman"

Release Date: February 2, 2026
Hosts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy

Episode Overview

This episode blends the McElroy brothers’ trademark blend of absurd comedy, pop culture riffing, and genuine brotherly banter, featuring rambling explorations of magical sports movies, hardware supplies for winter, advice on public massage chair etiquette, weirdness at airports, and a deep dive into a fast-food burger press release. Memorable tangents about balloon animals, The Lorax, and the physiology of Superman’s bathroom needs add color and classic MBMBaM energy.

Key Sections & Discussions

1. Magical Sports Kids & Movie Nostalgia

[01:10 - 04:22]

• Griffin, Travis, and Justin open reminiscing about sports movies with magical kids, specifically baseball and football films where children become pro athletes or team owners.
  • “There were at least two movies in which a full blown like 9 year old child either became the star pitcher of a team or owner of a team. And we as a society went, yes.” – Travis [03:06]
• They lampoon "Rudy" for lacking magical realism:
  • “I would be at the credits of the film crying in the theater and daddy would be like, why are you crying? I’d be like, cause none of the kids got powers.” – Griffin [03:36]
  • “He got pirate gold and then he was just a football man.” – Travis [03:55]
  • “A regular human football player. What’s he doing? Running and tackling.” – Griffin [03:58]

2. Surviving Winter & The Mattock Saga

[04:22 - 14:06]

• Justin checks in about Griffin’s battle with iced-over driveways.
• Griffin contemplates buying and swinging a five-pound mattock to break up the snow:
  • “I may not even. This may be a Mjolnir situation where I cannot even get this bad boy over my head.” – Griffin [06:34]
  • The brothers riff on Griffin’s lack of hands-on tool experience, envision disastrous scenarios and hypothesize awakening Appalachian miner instincts.
• Detailed comedy around the practicality and dangers of buying, transporting, and storing a mattock.
• Dread of hitting a fiber-optic cable and rendering oneself “financially ruined.”
  • “It’s like if the Beverly Hillbillies hit a fiber optic cable. And instead of getting to go to Beverly Hills, they had to go underground.” – Justin [09:58]
• The brothers appreciate the primal thrill of smashing ice, while worrying about collateral damage.

3. Balloon Animal Disposal Dilemmas

[25:24 - 29:42]

• Listener asks for help disposing of many practice balloon animals in an apartment.
  • “My impulse is like, kill your little darlings, you know what I mean?” – Justin [25:26]
• Dilemma between letting kids’ balloons die “of old age” vs. popping and risk scaring neighbors.
• Griffin proposes a suplex balloon-popping strategy with an exaggerated sneeze to justify the noise.
• Balloon-littering is explored (“textbook littering” [28:04]), segueing into a Once-ler/Dr. Seuss riff.

4. Airport Massage Chairs & Shoeshines

[17:23 - 23:12]

• A listener asks if it’s weird to use the airport massage chair.
  • “You are allowed to use it...if the entire time you appear, one, anxious to get out of it and two, thoroughly uncomfortable.” – Travis [17:40]
  • “If you have a business suit on and you’re like, on your BlackBerry while you’re doing it, I’m like, that’s cool. That person needs some tending.” – Griffin [18:52]
• Further bewilderment about the existence and target demographic of airport shoeshine booths and phone alcoves.
• Justin likens both to vestiges of another era: “You see the phone booths, and you see... Like, remember when we used to use those. Like, it seems like the shoeshine guys...I don’t know.” [21:02]

5. Supes in the Nursing Pod: Airport Potty Mayhem

[22:05 - 24:46]

• Superman using a nursing pod as a phone booth stand-in: “Superman comes out of the nursing pod. He’s like, I left my friend Clark in there. I’m going to lock the door behind me. I will come back and set him free. And then I will vanish from existence.” – Griffin [23:08]
• Ridiculous imaginings about Superman’s bathroom needs (Super plunger, wide pipes, “I have a tube that exits my rectum where the poop comes out of”—Justin [24:11])
• “I do everything with great force. Everything.” – Travis [24:16]

6. Munch Squad: Sonic’s Smasher Burger Press Release

[36:45 - 51:55]

• Justin launches into a fast food press release reading about Sonic’s “All American Smasher” burger.
• Mocking over-the-top marketing lingo conflating relationships and burgers:
  • “Sonic is introducing the one worth committing to. The all new all American Sonic Smasher. Most fast food burgers promise more than they deliver. But the All American Sonic Smasher is different.” – Justin [39:08]
  • “These other burgers are dirty shit bag fucks.” – Griffin [39:46]
• Detailed faux-press conference:
  • The brothers role-play as journalists grilling the press release’s claims and language, e.g.,
    • “There’s so much. The ratio of burger to produce on this thing is pretty crazy.” – Griffin [45:23]
    • “I have a question about the heat at which jet fuel burns.” – Travis [50:19]
• Debate over burger construction, “smashing” technique, human-vs-robot burger smashing, and mysterious “Smasher” adjectives.
• Funniest bit: Demanding to know “Where’s the dick?” after Sonic’s marketing claims about the Smasher burger’s “huge dick” (an absurdity created in the room) [42:08], which escalates into a riff on burger assembly.

7. Random Notables & One-Liners

• Contemplation of “virtous circle” balloon animals and children gathering for “balloon animal rain” [29:08].
• Why does the Once-ler need “15 cents, a nail and the shell of a great great great grandfather’s snail?” [30:06] — leads to speculation about his sinister motives.
• Reflecting on Dr. Seuss’ rhyme schemes as “making up bullshit words.” [32:09]
• Riffing on Superman having more “holes” than understood and alternate physiology [23:54–24:02].

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “There were at least two movies in which a full blown like 9 year old child either became the star pitcher...and we as a society went, yes.” – Travis [03:06]
• “I may not even. This may be a Mjolnir situation where I cannot even get this bad boy over my head.” – Griffin [06:34]
• “My impulse is like, kill your little darlings, you know what I mean?” – Justin [25:26]
• “You are allowed to use it...if the entire time you appear, one, anxious to get out of it and two, thoroughly uncomfortable.” – Travis [17:40]
• “Superman comes out of the nursing pod. He’s like, I left my friend Clark in there. I’m going to lock the door behind me…” – Griffin [23:08]
• “Sonic is introducing the one worth committing to. The all new all American Sonic Smasher.” – Justin [39:08]
• “These other burgers are dirty shit bag fucks.” – Griffin [39:46]
• “Where’s the dick?” – Griffin [42:08]
• “You know, fuck those guys. I’ll see you tomorrow, Timmy.” – Travis [31:20]

Memorable Moments

• The running bit where the brothers reframe any tool-use scenario as a potential mythic origin story or as an “awakening” of miner DNA in Griffin [06:42, 08:18].
• The breathless mock journalism during the Sonic Smasher burger Q&A, including Travis and Griffin rapidly “raising their hands” and inventing professional credentials [47:42–50:00].
• Griffin repeatedly dying laughing at his own “Where’s the dick?” burger question, sending the brothers into uncontrollable giggles [42:08].
• The surreal riff about Superman’s restroom requirements, culminating with Travis’ deadpan: “I do everything with great force. Everything.” [24:16]

Structure & Flow

• Opening segment sets the tone with absurd pop culture nostalgia.
• Extended, meandering but lively discussion of real-life concerns (snow, DIY, parenting) with comic exaggeration.
• Regular pivots into listener questions, handled with imaginative, often impractical advice.
• Munch Squad segment becomes an improv press conference, peaking with escalating absurdity.

TL;DR – Essential Takeaways

• The McElroys explore the weird intersection of mundane problems (winter maintenance, airport etiquette) and over-the-top pop culture (magical sports movies, superhero bathroom needs).
• Human connection and chuckling at absurdities tie the show together, as does their ongoing love affair with fast food press releases.
• If you want advice on ice removal, balloon animal disposal, how (not) to use a massage chair, or need a laugh about the way fast-food chains market relationship burgers—this episode delivers.
• As always, it's “better with you”: the McElroys’ familial warmth and comedic synergy are in top form throughout.