MBMBaM 799: A Regular Human Footballman

Summary

My Brother, My Brother and Me Episode 799: "A Regular Human Footballman"

Release Date: February 2, 2026
Hosts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy

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Episode Overview

This episode blends the McElroy brothers’ trademark blend of absurd comedy, pop culture riffing, and genuine brotherly banter, featuring rambling explorations of magical sports movies, hardware supplies for winter, advice on public massage chair etiquette, weirdness at airports, and a deep dive into a fast-food burger press release. Memorable tangents about balloon animals, The Lorax, and the physiology of Superman’s bathroom needs add color and classic MBMBaM energy.

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Key Sections & Discussions

1. Magical Sports Kids & Movie Nostalgia

[01:10 - 04:22]

• Griffin, Travis, and Justin open reminiscing about sports movies with magical kids, specifically baseball and football films where children become pro athletes or team owners.
  • “There were at least two movies in which a full blown like 9 year old child either became the star pitcher of a team or owner of a team. And we as a society went, yes.” – Travis [03:06]
• They lampoon "Rudy" for lacking magical realism:
  • “I would be at the credits of the film crying in the theater and daddy would be like, why are you crying? I’d be like, cause none of the kids got powers.” – Griffin [03:36]
  • “He got pirate gold and then he was just a football man.” – Travis [03:55]
  • “A regular human football player. What’s he doing? Running and tackling.” – Griffin [03:58]

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2. Surviving Winter & The Mattock Saga

[04:22 - 14:06]

• Justin checks in about Griffin’s battle with iced-over driveways.
• Griffin contemplates buying and swinging a five-pound mattock to break up the snow:
  • “I may not even. This may be a Mjolnir situation where I cannot even get this bad boy over my head.” – Griffin [06:34]
  • The brothers riff on Griffin’s lack of hands-on tool experience, envision disastrous scenarios and hypothesize awakening Appalachian miner instincts.
• Detailed comedy around the practicality and dangers of buying, transporting, and storing a mattock.
• Dread of hitting a fiber-optic cable and rendering oneself “financially ruined.”
  • “It’s like if the Beverly Hillbillies hit a fiber optic cable. And instead of getting to go to Beverly Hills, they had to go underground.” – Justin [09:58]
• The brothers appreciate the primal thrill of smashing ice, while worrying about collateral damage.

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3. Balloon Animal Disposal Dilemmas

[25:24 - 29:42]

• Listener asks for help disposing of many practice balloon animals in an apartment.
  • “My impulse is like, kill your little darlings, you know what I mean?” – Justin [25:26]
• Dilemma between letting kids’ balloons die “of old age” vs. popping and risk scaring neighbors.
• Griffin proposes a suplex balloon-popping strategy with an exaggerated sneeze to justify the noise.
• Balloon-littering is explored (“textbook littering” [28:04]), segueing into a Once-ler/Dr. Seuss riff.

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4. Airport Massage Chairs & Shoeshines

[17:23 - 23:12]

• A listener asks if it’s weird to use the airport massage chair.
  • “You are allowed to use it...if the entire time you appear, one, anxious to get out of it and two, thoroughly uncomfortable.” – Travis [17:40]
  • “If you have a business suit on and you’re like, on your BlackBerry while you’re doing it, I’m like, that’s cool. That person needs some tending.” – Griffin [18:52]
• Further bewilderment about the existence and target demographic of airport shoeshine booths and phone alcoves.
• Justin likens both to vestiges of another era: “You see the phone booths, and you see... Like, remember when we used to use those. Like, it seems like the shoeshine guys...I don’t know.” [21:02]

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5. Supes in the Nursing Pod: Airport Potty Mayhem

[22:05 - 24:46]

• Superman using a nursing pod as a phone booth stand-in: “Superman comes out of the nursing pod. He’s like, I left my friend Clark in there. I’m going to lock the door behind me. I will come back and set him free. And then I will vanish from existence.” – Griffin [23:08]
• Ridiculous imaginings about Superman’s bathroom needs (Super plunger, wide pipes, “I have a tube that exits my rectum where the poop comes out of”—Justin [24:11])
• “I do everything with great force. Everything.” – Travis [24:16]

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6. Munch Squad: Sonic’s Smasher Burger Press Release

[36:45 - 51:55]

• Justin launches into a fast food press release reading about Sonic’s “All American Smasher” burger.
• Mocking over-the-top marketing lingo conflating relationships and burgers:
  • “Sonic is introducing the one worth committing to. The all new all American Sonic Smasher. Most fast food burgers promise more than they deliver. But the All American Sonic Smasher is different.” – Justin [39:08]
  • “These other burgers are dirty shit bag fucks.” – Griffin [39:46]
• Detailed faux-press conference:
  • The brothers role-play as journalists grilling the press release’s claims and language, e.g.,
    • “There’s so much. The ratio of burger to produce on this thing is pretty crazy.” – Griffin [45:23]
    • “I have a question about the heat at which jet fuel burns.” – Travis [50:19]
• Debate over burger construction, “smashing” technique, human-vs-robot burger smashing, and mysterious “Smasher” adjectives.
• Funniest bit: Demanding to know “Where’s the dick?” after Sonic’s marketing claims about the Smasher burger’s “huge dick” (an absurdity created in the room) [42:08], which escalates into a riff on burger assembly.

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7. Random Notables & One-Liners

• Contemplation of “virtous circle” balloon animals and children gathering for “balloon animal rain” [29:08].
• Why does the Once-ler need “15 cents, a nail and the shell of a great great great grandfather’s snail?” [30:06] — leads to speculation about his sinister motives.
• Reflecting on Dr. Seuss’ rhyme schemes as “making up bullshit words.” [32:09]
• Riffing on Superman having more “holes” than understood and alternate physiology [23:54–24:02].

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “There were at least two movies in which a full blown like 9 year old child either became the star pitcher...and we as a society went, yes.” – Travis [03:06]
• “I may not even. This may be a Mjolnir situation where I cannot even get this bad boy over my head.” – Griffin [06:34]
• “My impulse is like, kill your little darlings, you know what I mean?” – Justin [25:26]
• “You are allowed to use it...if the entire time you appear, one, anxious to get out of it and two, thoroughly uncomfortable.” – Travis [17:40]
• “Superman comes out of the nursing pod. He’s like, I left my friend Clark in there. I’m going to lock the door behind me…” – Griffin [23:08]
• “Sonic is introducing the one worth committing to. The all new all American Sonic Smasher.” – Justin [39:08]
• “These other burgers are dirty shit bag fucks.” – Griffin [39:46]
• “Where’s the dick?” – Griffin [42:08]
• “You know, fuck those guys. I’ll see you tomorrow, Timmy.” – Travis [31:20]

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Memorable Moments

• The running bit where the brothers reframe any tool-use scenario as a potential mythic origin story or as an “awakening” of miner DNA in Griffin [06:42, 08:18].
• The breathless mock journalism during the Sonic Smasher burger Q&A, including Travis and Griffin rapidly “raising their hands” and inventing professional credentials [47:42–50:00].
• Griffin repeatedly dying laughing at his own “Where’s the dick?” burger question, sending the brothers into uncontrollable giggles [42:08].
• The surreal riff about Superman’s restroom requirements, culminating with Travis’ deadpan: “I do everything with great force. Everything.” [24:16]

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Structure & Flow

• Opening segment sets the tone with absurd pop culture nostalgia.
• Extended, meandering but lively discussion of real-life concerns (snow, DIY, parenting) with comic exaggeration.
• Regular pivots into listener questions, handled with imaginative, often impractical advice.
• Munch Squad segment becomes an improv press conference, peaking with escalating absurdity.

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TL;DR – Essential Takeaways

• The McElroys explore the weird intersection of mundane problems (winter maintenance, airport etiquette) and over-the-top pop culture (magical sports movies, superhero bathroom needs).
• Human connection and chuckling at absurdities tie the show together, as does their ongoing love affair with fast food press releases.
• If you want advice on ice removal, balloon animal disposal, how (not) to use a massage chair, or need a laugh about the way fast-food chains market relationship burgers—this episode delivers.
• As always, it's “better with you”: the McElroys’ familial warmth and comedic synergy are in top form throughout.

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Transcript

[Griffin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up you cool baby?

[Chorus/Singers]

It's the start of something beautiful A.

[Griffin McElroy]

Small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into.

[Chorus/Singers]

A precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life, it feels like. It's better it's better with you My life, ah. It's better it's better with you this.

[Justin McElroy]

Is true.

[Chorus/Singers]

It'S better it's better with two.

[Justin McElroy]

It's better with you hello everybody and.

[Travis McElroy]

Welcome to My Brother, My Brother, Me.

[Justin McElroy]

And Advice show for the Modron era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What's up TravNation? It's me, your Middle east brother, Travis. Big dog.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wolf.

[Travis McElroy]

Wolf from the rocket McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's up Trav Nation? It's me. I was so distracted by the rocket. Sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

That's how he gets you. That's how the rocket gets you. Get distracted by a rocket and then boom. 130 mile per hour fastball.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. That's it. So I've noticed that you've tried working in like quite a bit of pitching and fast throwing kind of like terminology into your honorifics and I want to applaud you for that. I think it's really good. I think there's a lot of really good nicknames associated with being a professional baseball pitcher. And I think you've hit on a lot of them. I'd love to just be Randy Johnson.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you mean the Big Unit?

[Griffin McElroy]

Uh huh. Can I, Travis, please? I feel like I have to ask.

[Justin McElroy]

You if I can.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, you can be the Big Unit.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Can we all agree too, by the way, that if you're Randy Johnson and they start calling you the Big Unit that you're like, oh my God, guys, thank you guys.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much.

[Travis McElroy]

So much. And it's like, oh. Cause you're really tall. No, no, no, no, no. But it also makes it sound like I have a huge dong and I love that. Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Here comes Sammy Massive Wiener Sosa. And he's like, wow. Thanks guys. Guys, I'm just hitting home runs out here. That's crazy that you think that part of the appeal.

[Justin McElroy]

I think Is that we were our age of guy was raised on this generation of film. I'm almost tempted to think of it as a sub genre in hindsight where apparently we went to every middle aged white screenwriter dude and said, hey, what do you most want to write a movie about? And he's like, I think a magical baseball kid. Because there's like, there's like eight magical baseball kid movies that came out within six months of each other. And it really did shape a generation of kids who want to grow up to be a magical baseball kid.

[Travis McElroy]

There were at least two movies in which a full blown like 9 year old child either became the star pitcher of a team or owner of a team. And we as a society went, yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

We also had angels in the outfield. It became so that if I was taken to a sports film, I went to see. I go to see Little Giants with my boy Tricky Dick Moranis. And I'm in there and I'm watching it.

[Justin McElroy]

Love to get Rick on the show by the way.

[Griffin McElroy]

Holy shit, what a get. I would be at the credits of the film crying in the theater and daddy would be like, why are you crying? I'd be like, cause none of the kids got powers. I can't. Rudy. It's like I've seen this exact guy do magic stuff before. But you're telling me he's not okay, he's not a footballman.

[Travis McElroy]

He got pirate gold and then he was just a football man.

[Griffin McElroy]

And he's just a foot. A regular human football player. What's he doing? Running and tackling.

[Justin McElroy]

Cool.

[Travis McElroy]

One time. No, we watched a whole movie. Rudy plays about one minute of football. Holy moly.

[Griffin McElroy]

You don't get. I hope you guys don't watch that movie hoping to get to watch Sam Astin play Sean Aston play football or Sam Astin. It doesn't happen that much.

[Justin McElroy]

Whoever that is, I hate to see him. This has been a long few days here in the house. I haven't been able to technically leave this building that I'm in with the children. Sidney hiked to her parents house today so she could ride down in her dad's big car to Harmony.

[Griffin McElroy]

God, you're so fucking lucky to have a father in law with a big car. That's the dream, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

That's true.

[Justin McElroy]

So cool. I want to ask you how you guys have been holding up. Cause yesterday Griffin, you said something that honestly I meant to mention yesterday and it's been stuck in my head. And Travis and I started talking about it before the show, before we started doing McElroy family clubhouse. It's the last Tuesday every month at noon. Before we started doing that yesterday, you came on and said, sorry guys, I just shoveled my snow for 15 minutes and I'm more tired than I've ever been in my entire life. And I just wanted to see if you are doing okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Have you guys played Minecraft?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

I was looking at pickaxe inventory in the like in my walkable kind of like hardware store options because that's what I need. The snow became turbo snow that froze and refroze so many times that is hard like rocks. And I need a pickaxe or perhaps a mattock as they're sometimes called. Now that I know after shopping for one and I think I'm gonna get out there with a five pound Matic and smash this stuff apart because it's the.

[Justin McElroy]

If you do not film that, we're not brothers anymore. I need high res glossy video of you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sorry. I'll be honest. I've never used a Matic.

[Justin McElroy]

You say a manic.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've never used a pickaxe before. Why are you even a taste. Wait, no, listen, you've.

[Justin McElroy]

That doesn't.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, hold on. That doesn't seem really.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm almost 40. You.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm almost 40. There's a lot of.

[Justin McElroy]

And you're you.

[Griffin McElroy]

And there's a lot of actions. I can like imagine what it's like to do them with my body. Right. I've never done a cartwheel, but I can. I think I know what it would be. I have no idea what to expect. I may not even. This may be a Mjolnir situation where I cannot even get this bad boy over my head.

[Justin McElroy]

My, my suspicion would be that in the full range of motion that it takes to swing a pickaxe, one of those muscles has never been used, guaranteed. And has basically atrophied to dust and like upon its first use, will just ba. Ding.

[Griffin McElroy]

Done.

[Travis McElroy]

The whole operation will fly off like a child's toy where the child has maybe overestimated the posability of the action figure.

[Justin McElroy]

Could this be leaking Stretch Armstrong goop out of your elbows?

[Travis McElroy]

Just hear a rubber band snap in there somewhere and it couldn't.

[Justin McElroy]

I swear to God, Mom. He swung into axe and it sounded like a ball of tinfoil just crinkling up.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's no way, guys, for me to privately practice this incredibly intimate act. I'm going out on my front yard.

[Justin McElroy]

Everybody's kid's got a foam diamond pickaxe from Minecraft, right? You can get in there, take a few practices.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's not gonna be the same. This thing is heavy and sharp and I'm lifting it way up over my head and then I swing it down hard.

[Travis McElroy]

How are you going to do it then, Griffin?

[Justin McElroy]

You gotta go full bore.

[Travis McElroy]

First time, I want you in a hard hat.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

I want you, like, jumpsuited.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

I want you singing like a coal mining song.

[Griffin McElroy]

If I get more than one hit in Frozen.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

If I get two to three hits in and I get into, like, the rhythm, then it'll be like, born of cold and winter.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm just gonna get the cubes and.

[Justin McElroy]

I make them nice. Okay, now wait a minute.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

What if it, like, activates something? Cause you come from the hills. Your blood is.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm scared of that dude.

[Justin McElroy]

Hills. You've got coal in there.

[Travis McElroy]

I just slurry in your blood.

[Griffin McElroy]

I just redid my whole office and it took a long time. I can't get the bug now to become a finding bug. I can't become a finding miner down there when I've just redone my whole office. I'm not gonna be in there.

[Justin McElroy]

Griffin, this is what I think. This is the fear, right? You chip your car out with the matic. Yeah. And you're like, fuck, yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

That's awesome. Oh, don't get me wrong, guys.

[Griffin McElroy]

Also, also, timeout. There is a part. There's a part of me that thinks when I smash this big thing into little chunks and hurl them out of the way of my cart, that's gonna feel also real good.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, but you keep going, man. You hit submit and you keep going.

[Griffin McElroy]

Keep pounding, keep pounding, keep pounding.

[Justin McElroy]

Keep going. You're a miner now. That's how anybody starts. You know what I mean? Yeah, I heard. Don't put it in front of you when you already have it, you know? Like, that's just.

[Travis McElroy]

I had a fiber optic.

[Griffin McElroy]

I had a fiber optic wire. No problem, baby.

[Travis McElroy]

You're mining for JPEGs now.

[Griffin McElroy]

Did you guys know about fiber optic wires in the ground that if, like, a construction crew hits one of those, they're like, well, that's going to cost like $200,000 to fit. It's like the biggest, uh, oh. Accident that you can make in this life is being a construction person or an excavator of some sort. And you look down in the pit and you see little tea, little. Little fiber optic cable. It's like, up. I'm ruined. Shoot. Dang. I hit the cursed pipe and now my life is Financially in shambles.

[Justin McElroy]

It's the opposite of an oil. It is.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

It's like it's an inverse. It's sucking the value away.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

Through the pipes.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's like if the Beverly Hillbillies hit a fiber optic cable. And instead of getting to go to Beverly Hills, they had to go underground. They had to go underground.

[Justin McElroy]

Griff, what's your plan? What's your plan for getting to the mattock store?

[Griffin McElroy]

So there is a hardware store that is up a hill from our house. The hill is a slippery and a slidey. But the good news is I have left that out.

[Justin McElroy]

What's your plan B?

[Griffin McElroy]

I have two small mattocks. Now, these are too small to use on the thing, but I can.

[Justin McElroy]

Have you thought about to go up the hill?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Call ahead to the hardware store, pay them over the phone and just have them slide the matic down the hill.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis.

[Griffin McElroy]

But again, it is a sharp five pound shard of straight steel. And this thing coming in at all the terminal velocity.

[Travis McElroy]

Tonka tough.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's super, super duper tough. This thing could put a hole right in me. I can't wait to become Griffith.

[Justin McElroy]

An earthen awe with which you're speaking about the beloved weight. Five pounds lets me know that maybe.

[Griffin McElroy]

Five pounds of yeah. Coming down the hill at you.

[Justin McElroy]

Five big pounds.

[Griffin McElroy]

You think five huge pounds. You think it's gonna be a grounder if it hits a pebble, hops up in the air, embeds itself in my head. And that's how I always knew I'd go out that way. I thought by leaving the hills it would become less.

[Justin McElroy]

You might not even want that liability of chucking pickaxes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Here's my next question. I use this pickaxe to smash out my driveway to get free. And I keep going down a little bit and I destroy a fiber optic cable. What do I do with the five pound pickaxe now? Where do I put that in my house?

[Travis McElroy]

You need to get a big rock in your lawn that you kind of bury, like wedge it into so it's there in case there's an emergency.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's every possibility. That is what's gonna happen when I try to dig out my driveway is that it will get embedded in the ice outside and then it'll be out there. Then. Then it belongs to whoever's big enough.

[Travis McElroy]

My little brother, who I love very much. I love that your worry is you'll strike the ice too good. That it will bury the pickaxe too deep in it to be removed.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, no, I Think that represents poor pickaxe technique. I don't think you're supposed to get it so deep in that you can't pull it out.

[Travis McElroy]

I guess my bigger worry, if I were you, would be that my pickaxe would glance off the ice, embed itself into the front of my car, straight through. I don't know, the radiator or the engine or whatever.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Wow, that would be cool.

[Justin McElroy]

My basic rule for tool use is this, Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Think about the cool way you think a tool was supposed to be used. And it's probably not like that. It's probably a little bit different than that, right? Yeah. So, like, with a soldering iron, you think that you would just get in there and start glooping it around. But no, no, no. You're supposed to heat things up.

[Griffin McElroy]

So fucking disappointing. This first solder.

[Justin McElroy]

So the matic. You're probably supposed to, like, use the edge of the mattock to, like, gradually, you know, with a. It's probably not even the fun way.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've played so much Minecraft. When you mine into a tree, which, first of all, I don't think I could do that. I don't think I can use my Matic to smash up a tree or a wall in my house. Maybe I could actually do that. But when you go at it in Minecraft, it's like, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. There's no fucking way, man.

[Justin McElroy]

This thing's huge. It's probably not like that. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think so.

[Travis McElroy]

Not at first. To the dramatic door.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can I tell?

[Justin McElroy]

Sorry, I'm trying to underline in my head. Can you hear, where do you need to go?

[Griffin McElroy]

Right? You're saying, like, why do I need to dig out my driveway so bad that I'm going to go buy a pickaxe?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know, man. I just got the. I just got the jitters. I don't know.

[Justin McElroy]

I know what you're talking about.

[Griffin McElroy]

Genuinely. I think it's from when we lived in Austin and got snowed in super bad when Rachel was eight months pregnant and the whole city was like, we don't know what to do with this fucking stalker.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, guys. We never thought this would come.

[Griffin McElroy]

This hard rain has flummoxed us.

[Travis McElroy]

I had to go out.

[Justin McElroy]

Everybody has faith in society till it fails them. Right? A tree fell on my house one time. And then I get real. I get real antsy around trees. I get real skittish about trees.

[Travis McElroy]

I had to go out. I had to make A Journey out yesterday.

[Griffin McElroy]

Where'd you go?

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, did you?

[Travis McElroy]

I had to ship some stuff. I'm participating. Participating.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm sorry, I thought you were.

[Griffin McElroy]

I had to shit and I can't.

[Justin McElroy]

I thought you were about to have to go to the outhouse.

[Travis McElroy]

I had to shit and I don't do that at home for three days.

[Justin McElroy]

And I can't do it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Theresa.

[Justin McElroy]

I gotta go. Babe.

[Travis McElroy]

I can't do that at home. It's where my kids live. And. No, I had to go ship some stuff. I'm participating in Project for Awesome, and I'm gonna be on the live stream. And I made some 3D printed wooden ducks that I signed.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's right.

[Travis McElroy]

Signed them from me and from Magnus, and I had to ship them. And the whole way I'm driving there with the open box next to me. Cause I hadn't sealed it yet. Thinking, if I get into a car accident right now and 30 Benoit Blanc.

[Griffin McElroy]

To figure out what the fuck was going on in that.

[Travis McElroy]

The day before was a level 3 snow emergency where I would've been arrested for being out on the road. And the next day, I'm like, super cool. Time to get these ducks in flight.

[Justin McElroy]

Go, Ducks.

[Griffin McElroy]

Guys, let me hit you with this. Let me hit you with this. Benoit Blanc picks up, sees Travis's dead body in this car surrounded by many wooden ducks. He picks it up, looks like we've got ourselves A Murder Most Foul. And then the name of the movie be called A Murder Most Foul. A Rian Johnson Mystery.

[Travis McElroy]

He picks up a duck and he goes, I think I quacked with a case.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's crazy.

[Justin McElroy]

Wait, duck, duck, exclamation point.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

A Murder Most Foul duck. A knives out.

[Griffin McElroy]

A knives out mystery.

[Travis McElroy]

And he sees one of the forensics, like, grabbing my butt, and he's like, duck, duck, goose. Hey, leave that dead body. But alone.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool.

[Justin McElroy]

That was the last one you got. You scraped some rust off with that, so we should move forward.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a little bit extra under the rust. I'm glad you did that, Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

We use all parts of the joke.

[Travis McElroy]

You can put it on my bill.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool, dude. Awesome.

[Justin McElroy]

Stop, Stop.

[Travis McElroy]

All right. Shake a stale feather. We got a crime to solve.

[Griffin McElroy]

I do have to poke a hole in the premise a little bit. I don't think they call Benoit Blanc in to solve car accidents.

[Justin McElroy]

What could have stopped this size of a vehicle? What could have stopped. There's a destroyed vehicle in the middle of the road. Tire tracks leading away. God damn.

[Travis McElroy]

It.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, what could have done? What kind of huge gorilla is there an escaped gorilla from the zoo that made of.

[Travis McElroy]

He was momentary. I can't help but notice he was googling. Who was that guy in that movie trailer that one time? Could that be a clue?

[Justin McElroy]

What if he looks up? He's like. He looks deadpan at the camera. He's like, oh, my God, Bear is driving.

[Travis McElroy]

How can this be? How can this be?

[Justin McElroy]

I am at the airport. There is a massage chair right by my gate. I've had a pretty exhausting trip, and I'd love to loose things up a bit before I get on the long flight home. Is it weird to use a massage chair at an airport? If I do use it, what is the appropriate level of satisfying noises I can make before it gets weird? That's from Borning Past to Bliss from Cape Coral, Florida.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't think it's weird.

[Justin McElroy]

And the shared massage chair continues to be one of the weirdest, like, unforced errors as a society that we continue to invite on ourselves. It's this incredible little dance that we've just squirreled away in some of our most vulnerable moments.

[Travis McElroy]

I think, okay, here's my pitch voice. You tell me what you think about it. You are allowed to use it. It's not weird to use it. If the entire time you're in it, you appear, one, anxious to get out of it and two, thoroughly uncomfortable, you think that's okay? I think if you're in it and it's clearly like, I got in it, but only until they call my name and I'm springing out of this even there's five minutes left on this chair. I do not enjoy this. I want out of.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can you just look around and be like, can I get out yet? Guys, like, yell that to everyone nearby. Maybe you're yelling at some friends who dared you to get in the chair. People see that. They're like, he doesn't want to fucking be in there.

[Justin McElroy]

If I see that, though, I'm gonna see. I make judgment calls. If I see people sitting in the massage chair and it is clearly activating, doing its special thing, I look at their face, and if they're enjoying it, I assume they paid for it. If they're looking like it's, like, kind of annoying, I assume someone else paid for it and left.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then they sat on a swoop in like a nasty little hermit cracked in.

[Justin McElroy]

But they don't want to. They want to act like this isn't what I wanted, but, like, secretly like, oh, baby, like, they're loving it.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you have a business suit on and you're like, on your BlackBerry while you're doing it, I'm like, that's cool. That person needs some tending, too, so they can get back to, like, the huge, important deal that they're working on right now. I think massage chair as professional device, I think is actually a pretty cool look.

[Travis McElroy]

Could you bring it all the way around where you take off your shoes, you put on a robe, maybe some cucumber slices. Right. A little face peel, and you get in it, you charge it up for an hour and a half?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

What's weirder? The massage chairs at the airport or the shoeshine guys at the airport? Oh, nothing makes me feel like there is another world. There's a whole other thing happening. Except when I see the shoeshine guys at the airport. Cause I see a guy doing the shoeshines. Yeah, I see a guy getting the shoeshines. Sometimes both those guys are younger than me. Sometimes both of those guys are older. So I don't think it's something that I'm eventually gonna find out about how this happens.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's not that.

[Justin McElroy]

How we get into this circle.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I tell you, I don't know how, Justin, what gets me is sometimes I have some nice leather boots that I enjoy wearing. Sometimes when I travel, the shoeshine person is never on duty when I'm wearing the shoes.

[Justin McElroy]

It's not for you, though. I know, right?

[Travis McElroy]

I thought about getting it, but then I thought, how long do I stand by the shoeshine place in my boots, hoping they come back?

[Justin McElroy]

It's just.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's bewildering to me. I don't wear shoes that need. That can be shined most of the time. Almost ever. Do I wear shoes that need shining or could be shined, made of a material that would become lustrous with a wipe.

[Justin McElroy]

Right.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I know that other people do do that, but do we need a whole cottage industry around a specific type of shoe material that most people, I don't think are wearing most of the time?

[Justin McElroy]

You see the phone booths, and you see. You know, you see a phone alcove, and you're like, remember when.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, remember when, pops.

[Justin McElroy]

You know, like, remember when we used to use those. Like, it seems like the shoeshine guys. I don't know.

[Griffin McElroy]

Have you.

[Travis McElroy]

I feel the same about newsies.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

Why do I always see newsies at the airport selling paint?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Yeah. I think that those booths that they have set up where you can rent to use it as a workspace for like 15 minutes if you needed to, like, do a meeting or something. I don't know how much money that costs, but there should be a little hole on the wall of that thing with a bill slot on it. And if you put $50 into that, the hole opens up and you're allowed to do one fart in there and they can't get out. I think that would be a great investment and it would raise a lot of money for our schools. And I just love the idea that.

[Travis McElroy]

We got rid of fumbos and then built booths that people can use their smartphones in.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

It makes me so happy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah. No, $25 is much more expensive than a phone booth. And $50 if you use the fart hole.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you think there's in the Superman comics book somewhere recently, there's been a scene where Superman's in like, a bitcoin exchange booth. You know what I mean? And so he's like, let me in there.

[Travis McElroy]

He steps into one of the nursing pods.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah. I think he wrestles for a while about whether or not he's allowed to go in the nursing pod to become Superman to save the airport. He's like, ultimately, oh my God.

[Travis McElroy]

Tmtmtmtmtm.

[Justin McElroy]

We'll write that one shot. He's like, ultimately, we'll write that one shot, please.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm actually going to save a lot of mothers if I'm allowed to go in there and go sicko mode and become Superman. So, like, I do think it's worth it. The optics are terrible.

[Travis McElroy]

Superman has to find another lactating mother.

[Justin McElroy]

To go in with him. He's like, you don't have to nurse. Just stand here. Don't look either.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, don't look. And assume I'm just still here in the booth the whole time I'm gone. Cause that's the real problem. If he goes in there as Clark Kent, he can't then leave. As soon as he's got to leave super fast. So they gotta assume that Clark Kent's still in there doing something the entire time Superman is doing his thing.

[Griffin McElroy]

Superman comes out of the nursing pot. He's like, I left my friend Clark in there. I'm going to lock the door behind me. I will come back and set him free. And then I will vanish from existence.

[Travis McElroy]

He's going to be busy for 30 to 45 minutes in the nursing pod. Don't bother him.

[Justin McElroy]

Frequently enters restrooms and thinks, well, what I have to do is much easier in the accessibility stall, and I will be very brief yes. So perhaps that would be if. I'll look around. I think I'm okay, you know? Or no, you know. What if he comes walking out, though, and his Superman comes walking out of the accessibility. So I was like, really? Superman? You need the whole big space.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

You don't know how I do it in there. I'm an alien.

[Griffin McElroy]

So many people.

[Justin McElroy]

I might have two butts. You don't know. Hey, I don't know.

[Travis McElroy]

You don't have my holes. It's coming out of.

[Justin McElroy]

Why don't you get out of the way? That meteor is coming.

[Travis McElroy]

My tentacles shoot out to anchor me down while I'm doing my business.

[Justin McElroy]

Much like the Thanatar, I have a tube that exits my rectum where the poop comes out of.

[Travis McElroy]

I do everything with great force. Everything.

[Justin McElroy]

Don't you understand?

[Travis McElroy]

I wish it wasn't like this. God, how I wish. Sometimes I wish there was a red sun just over the body. God damn it.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes. Do you have a super plunger?

[Griffin McElroy]

I need a big toilet hole.

[Travis McElroy]

I need a Cricut toilet.

[Justin McElroy]

I can only use parchment paper. That's the level of durability I need to wipe. That's how tough my stuff is.

[Travis McElroy]

And can I just say, wide pipes. I don't want to go into detail. Wide pipes.

[Justin McElroy]

Wide, wide pipes. Looks like the XL Hershey bar factory there. Big, wide, like a symphony bar. I've recently gotten into balloon sculpting, I. E. Making cool balloon swords and monsters and shit. It's a cheap, low stakes hobby and despite the occasional pop, is surprisingly relaxing. Of course, I blow up a lot of balloons to practice, which of course take up a lot of space when inflated. Brothers, I live in an apartment. How do I squash this rising balloon pile without pissing off my neighbors? That's from clowning in Connecticut.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool. I decided.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, my impulse is like, kill your little darlings, you know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

Like, you're.

[Justin McElroy]

You're resting on your past. Works just like, pop them and look towards the future.

[Griffin McElroy]

But how? Without pissing off the neighbors?

[Travis McElroy]

Cause if I have a neighbor and everybody.

[Justin McElroy]

Did you think the neighbors would be.

[Griffin McElroy]

Pissed off if he just got rid of his incredible balloon art?

[Travis McElroy]

No, I thought he just didn't want.

[Justin McElroy]

To get rid of him. I just thought it was like, they're very, like, proud of him. I'm not allowed to throw trash away in my house, so I forget that other people are allowed to.

[Travis McElroy]

Right?

[Griffin McElroy]

Sure.

[Travis McElroy]

That is true. When my kids get a balloon animal from a fair or whatnot, we gotta Wait for that thing to die of old age, you know? And even then.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesus Christ, guys. For Henry's 9th birthday, we went to Michael's and we brought the kids to get balloons. And Gus got these enormous six and seven balloons that have been floating in the corner of our living room. Yes. Like the meme. Thank you so much, Travis. And they have been really in a dance of, like, dwindling kind of death for genuinely for two and a half months or so. Six is still rocking. Seven went down a long time ago. Six. But it's at that point where it's like a barometer just kind of going up and down depending on the time of day. So that can be exciting. But you probably don't breathe helium out.

[Justin McElroy]

There were a couple of years where it wasn't so hard at my house, but eventually the girls caught on that these magical pen pals, we're never gonna write back, no matter how many notes we attach to the balloon saying, like, here's an email if you find this, like, let us know or whatever. That was a pretty good. Until they realized this is going into the. I don't know, forest, probably into a.

[Travis McElroy]

Bird'S stomach or something.

[Justin McElroy]

Into bird's stomach or something. To the ocean.

[Travis McElroy]

I think that what you want to. You're gonna save up all these balloons maybe the end of the week and pop them all at once in, like, a suplex or a full body dive or something. And you're gonna fake a huge sneeze when it happens. And then after the loud popping sound. And this is important to sell it, you're gonna have to scream in pain. Like, this huge sneeze popped something in you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Is there a risk they send help? Like, call the authorities or something?

[Griffin McElroy]

Every time they will send help. And then you say it's balloon popping time. I had to. I'm not injured. I had to pop all these balloons. I think it would probably scare me more, Travis, to hear someone scream. Do a scream. Sneeze from the apartment above me. Than to hear the sound of mini balloons popping.

[Justin McElroy]

Is it littering if you throw them out the window, or is it kind of like a.

[Travis McElroy]

After they pop?

[Griffin McElroy]

Textbook littering, I think.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't think it's like, if a balloon animal. You find a. You see a balloon. If you saw a balloon dog floating through the sky, you would be like, who?

[Travis McElroy]

Whatever.

[Justin McElroy]

You'd be like, oh, my God, Justin.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's.

[Justin McElroy]

I think we may be okay.

[Travis McElroy]

They don't fill balloon animals with helium.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, dude. They float down to the ground and Then you see it on the ground. It's like, oh, my God, there's a balloon dog on the ground. What a day.

[Travis McElroy]

And it's got a message for me. What? It's the black spot marked for death.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'll say this.

[Justin McElroy]

Don't mark people for death with your black spot balloons. For the last time, Travis, I'll say this.

[Travis McElroy]

I just think that would be the.

[Justin McElroy]

Way an assassin cult.

[Travis McElroy]

If I was gonna be marked for death by the black spot, I would want it to be delivered to me by a monkey on a hat that I could wear around until big town. Yeah, the time of year, I think.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you throw your balloons out at a certain time of day, it's only gonna take three, maybe days before children start to kind of like congregate at balloon time. As you. The fucking. The Once ler comes out and makes it rain doggies and monkeys and crowns and swords and stuff.

[Justin McElroy]

That sounds pretty good right now that you're saying. It sounds pretty magical, actually.

[Griffin McElroy]

Actually, yeah. You're the Once ler now, only instead of giving out sort of, you know, lessons about how to be a good person, it is balloon animals.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, the metaphor is getting a little messy.

[Griffin McElroy]

The metaphor got a little messy.

[Travis McElroy]

But I do love this theory that people who do balloon sculpting didn't start doing it because they wanted to give them to people, but rather started giving them to people because they wanted to do balloon sculpting and then realized they needed to get rid of them. Yeah, right.

[Justin McElroy]

Hope is it's a virtuous circle. Right? I mean, you hope at some point that that just. Yeah, you do love to give these things away to people. And yes, your friends do love to take them. I mean, you hope.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. And the one thing you can make is the virtuous circle. It's pretty easy. You just take the blue virtuous circle.

[Justin McElroy]

It's not a big deal.

[Griffin McElroy]

Actually, can I ask you guys a question?

[Justin McElroy]

Uh huh.

[Griffin McElroy]

The Once Slurpee, to teach the child about the Lorax and the environment and everything, required a payment of 15 cents. A nail and the shell of a great great great grandfather's nail. The fuck's he doing with that stuff, man? What are you gonna be doing with that Once Ler with 15 cents? Why do you need a nail and the shell of a great great great grandfather's nail? Are you gonna put that in that? And then what's the 15 cents for, you fucking pervert? Why do you need payment? To teach me a lesson about how to be a good person. In the environment, it does feel like.

[Justin McElroy]

The one slayer is maybe dabbling with occult forces beyond his powers to control. It feels like he's getting into some sort of curse or something that he heard.

[Griffin McElroy]

There should be a page at the end of the Lorax where the oncer pops his head back out. He's like, oh, shit. Also, I eat all that stuff. I eat 15 cents. And I love eating ales and great, great great grandfather's snail shells is my favorite snack.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, I love it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't litter. For fucking real. Hey, hey, hey. Are you littering?

[Travis McElroy]

Leave the trees alone. But if you find any more great great grandfather snails, you know where to bring them.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know, fuck those guys.

[Travis McElroy]

I'll see you tomorrow, Timmy.

[Griffin McElroy]

See you, Tim.

[Travis McElroy]

You're a cool dude. I don't care what they say. All right. I'll bet you want to chat. You want to, like, hang out later? I don't have anything on. You must. I don't have anything planned.

[Justin McElroy]

You left. I'm gonna eat some snail shells.

[Travis McElroy]

I got enough for two. Okay, you're gone. Okay, cool.

[Justin McElroy]

You left. Cool. I'll. Let's take a quick break. I missed this. We're head to the money zone.

[Griffin McElroy]

I do too.

[Justin McElroy]

How about at Can I be. We're gonna take a break.

[Travis McElroy]

We'll come back.

[Justin McElroy]

We'll talk about other stuff. Let's go to the. It's better.

[Chorus/Singers]

It's better with you.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, guys, I know we're in the money zone, but can I speak candidly for a second?

[Griffin McElroy]

I guess so.

[Justin McElroy]

Sure.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can you make it about sock talk?

[Travis McElroy]

I'll get there. Are you ever reading Dr. Seuss books to your kids and think, yeah, it's easy to write rhyming stuff when you just make up bullshit words.

[Griffin McElroy]

Absolutely it is, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, man.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, some of this stuff's really good, but some of it is like, yeah, man, I could. I could do that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, man. Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

I just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page.

[Griffin McElroy]

I went to the glop of the party pump pumpers and had a big glop of his glumpy glop glumpers. Like, it's fucking easy, dude. You don't.

[Travis McElroy]

That's why you can't trust every doctor in the world. But you know what you can trust?

[Griffin McElroy]

What's that? Travy?

[Travis McElroy]

Zocdoc. To help you find the right doctors for you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, absolutely. I don't think Theodore Geisel is on Zocdoc.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't think he has an account for Many reasons.

[Griffin McElroy]

I would guess for a ton of reasons.

[Justin McElroy]

For a slew of reasons.

[Griffin McElroy]

But if you are have, if you have a problem, yo, I'll solve it. Check out ZocDoc and let a doctor resolve it. Because I don't know how to do any kind of medical stuff. And that's why when I moved to D.C. and I didn't have any doctors, I got on Zocdoc.com and they were like, let me hook you up. And they did. I've made great friends through zocdoc. I think, I think a lot of my doctors.

[Travis McElroy]

That's not, that's something that they advertise.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think they advertise that. But I will say, like, I will say like a lot of my doctors have become my closest friends here. So. And they know that there's a sadness.

[Travis McElroy]

To that I can't place, but it's there.

[Griffin McElroy]

It seems pretty obvious what the sad, the shape of that sadness is.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm, I'm, I'm nearing old age. I'm in my twilight years and I've had to get so many now. It started to be like health as an escape room where I go to a doctor to solve one thing and then it opens up three more puzzles for me to clue.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Travis McElroy]

I went to a rheumatologist who was then like, hey, you should also get like a nerve test and a vascular test and, and a bunch of stuff. I don't know how to find those people. That's why I use ZocDoc.

[Griffin McElroy]

But now you're the healthiest you've ever been. ZocDoc is a free app and website that helps you find and book high quality in network doctors so you can find someone you love. I know we've said a lot of other bullshit here, but. Or a best friend that's. Or a best friend. I didn't say best friend. Some of my best friends, I wouldn't have found them if not for zocdoc. I also wouldn't have been treated for my many conditions. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments. Go to zocdoc.com my brother to find and instantly book a doctor you love. Today says that it does say a doctor you love. So I do think a friend does say that fits the bill. That's Z O c d o c.com my brother. Zocdoc.com my brother. Thanks, Zocdoc for sponsoring this message.

[Travis McElroy]

Did we even mention what it is? I think we missed the part I said it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I Said no.

[Travis McElroy]

I said zocdoc is a free app.

[Griffin McElroy]

I said that part. Yeah, I did that part really good.

[Travis McElroy]

Maybe I need to get my hearing checked. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Check out ZocDoc.com.

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Justin McElroy]

You heard me, coward. The Flop House is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Robert Shaw in Jaws, and they're trying to figure out how to get rid of the ghoulies, and he scratches his nails and goes, I'll get your ghoulie.

[Justin McElroy]

He's just standing above the toilet with a harpoon. No, I was looking forward to you going through the other ways in which Wild Wild west is historically inaccurate. You know how much movies cost nowadays when you add in your popped corn and your bagel bites and your cheese.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fritters, you can't go wrong with a Henry Cavill mustache. Here at Henry Cavill Mustaches, the only supplier, the Flop House. New episodes every Saturday. Find [e-mail] say you like video games, and who doesn't? I mean, some people probably don't, okay?

[Justin McElroy]

But a lot of people do. So say you're one of those people and you feel like you don't really have anyone to talk to about the games that you like. Well, you should get some better friends. Yes, you could get some better friends, but you could also listen to TripleClick, a weekly podcast about video games hosted.

[Griffin McElroy]

By me, Kirk Hamilton, me, Maddy Myers.

[Justin McElroy]

And me, Jason Schreier.

[Griffin McElroy]

We talk about new releases, old classics.

[Justin McElroy]

Industry news, and whatever, really.

[Griffin McElroy]

We'll show you new things to love about games and maybe even help you find new friends to talk to you about them. Triple click.

[Justin McElroy]

It's kind of like we're your friends. Find [e-mail] or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. Dude.

[Justin McElroy]

I want a munch Squad. I want to munch. Welcome to Munch Squad Podcast within podcast profiling, ladies and gracious brand aiding. You know what cuffing season is? If I said forget cuffing season, would you know what I meant?

[Travis McElroy]

That's sexual.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think it's where you. Someone comes in as a sort of sexual tag in. Like a tag in replacement. You tag them in and you go, your turn. Is that right?

[Justin McElroy]

Cuffing season is when you tag in. Sorry, what was it? You tag in a sexual partner.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're saying, like, the two of us will make love, let's get in a ringer, let's bring in someone coming off the top ropes, a pitch hitter sort of situation, and then the other person has a special chair that you can.

[Justin McElroy]

Sit in before Griffin overshares anymore. I'm gonna release us off from her prison.

[Travis McElroy]

No. Cuffing season is like you gotta find somebody before Valentine's Day or whatever.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, yes, or I'm pretty sure.

[Travis McElroy]

Pretty sure it's the other thing with the special chair. It could be two things.

[Justin McElroy]

The idea is that for the cold months, you hook up. You hook up for the cold months and then you have a partner for the cold months as a short term.

[Travis McElroy]

Thing that you truly love deeply and.

[Justin McElroy]

Make it that you truly love.

[Griffin McElroy]

But on the hot months, you say, no thanks, it's hot, girl.

[Travis McElroy]

Summer.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's too hot.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm single and ready to have sex. Forget cuffing season. Sonic wants you to break up with your burger.

[Travis McElroy]

Huh?

[Justin McElroy]

Introducing the new All American Smasher lineup. Please guys, hold your questions. I will answer your questions, but I'm sure just for me saying that you're fucking going wild with questions. We'll get to them.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is not a question. Can I just say something? It's not a question. It's not a question. Can I say it? What even is a smasher? What's a smasher?

[Justin McElroy]

That's a question that's legitimately you are a journalist for a long detail that you will be furious.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's cause it went out for too long.

[Justin McElroy]

For too long, fast food burger fans have settled for relationships that just aren't working. Burgers that keep going up in price and down in quality.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I hate to say something. Are those two separate ideas? Sorry, that is the question. They're settling for relationships that aren't working. And also the burgers.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes, the burgers.

[Justin McElroy]

And they're also. If they had happy relationships, they may cook for themselves more or want to, you know what I mean? Like get in some more lean proteins. I don't know. But it's two different things. Sonic is introducing the one worth committing to. The all new all American Sonic Smasher. Most fast food burgers promise more than they deliver. But the All American Sonic Smasher is different.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hence good.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, it's good.

[Travis McElroy]

It's actually good.

[Griffin McElroy]

We made it good.

[Justin McElroy]

These other burgers are dirty shit bag fucks.

[Travis McElroy]

We will promise you this burger.

[Griffin McElroy]

We'll promise nothing.

[Justin McElroy]

Nothing.

[Griffin McElroy]

This burger is here you come get it.

[Travis McElroy]

There's a lot of stressing even early on in this press release about it being all American.

[Justin McElroy]

And you don't even know how early on it is.

[Travis McElroy]

Is the American ness of my burger here in the state of Ohio something that I should have been concerned about prior to this?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know even they would get you non American burgers there as landlocked as you are.

[Travis McElroy]

I wasn't aware that that was a thing I should be checking for.

[Justin McElroy]

It is going to be impossible to detect the presence of AI in these things because they have been absolutely.

[Travis McElroy]

Half.

[Justin McElroy]

Baked for a decade. Like, I don't know. How will you tell? You know, like let's take. This was written by humans. Most fast food burger promises more than they deliver. The All American Sonic Smasher is different. Hand smashed, made to order and stacked with classic toppings people actually crave. That's what it says. I don't know what that's about though.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's such shit. Like shit talking.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, that shit. But are they saying like other places are putting on like bean sprouts and nobody wants that, but they're giving you the good shit. I don't understand.

[Travis McElroy]

I also. It's proof I've never been to a McDonald's and thought this burger is really promising me something. Yeah, that's never been what that exchange is about.

[Justin McElroy]

It's proof that when it comes to burgers, Sonic is everyone's perfect match. That commitment comes to life. What? That commitment comes to Life with the $6 All American Smasher meal. A complete burger meal that punches above its price point a lot of aggressive.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sort of terminology in life. This smashing my brother is going to fucking blast your fucking face, nerd. It's gonna witch your butt.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you have a shitty boyfriend? The Smasher Meal's gonna punch him in the face and prove that he's the right one for you. He's got tomatoes and shit that you like. Does your boyfriend have tomatoes on him?

[Justin McElroy]

No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck him.

[Justin McElroy]

Fuck the stuff you actually want. It's got crispy onions and barbecue sauce and a huge dick. It's got exactly. Whoa, whoa. It's got exactly what you crave.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey guys, there's a structural question there that I have. Where?

[Travis McElroy]

I don't know.

[Justin McElroy]

In a text. A textural question.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, it's a burger construction question. Because if.

[Travis McElroy]

Where's the dick? If you're going to put Wendy slogan, where's the dick?

[Griffin McElroy]

How does the top buns. I love that atop it. If there's a certain.

[Travis McElroy]

I assumed the dick was coming out of the burger grip and I didn't assume it was a topic.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm ready for you guys to. You know what? This is not anything worth looking at. But I am going to like. I have to at least share something here with you to give you some shit.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you about to show me A little bit burnt up. Crispy burger. Yeah. God damn it, I love that stuff. I wish I didn't. I hate how smash smash burgers as a concept is so vulgar to me. And yet when I see one, I think, I bet biting into that is awfully salty and crispy and good.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, man, it's good. I love to make them at home, too.

[Travis McElroy]

They're good.

[Justin McElroy]

Right off the grid on most of them anyway. Oh, boy, I'm getting hungry for smashers. The new All American Sonic Smasher takes the original. This is where we're gonna get into the minutiae, where your questions are gonna start coming hot and heavy. I beg you to hold them to the question. Okay?

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin, we do have a Q and A. Can I make an observation?

[Griffin McElroy]

Justin, not a question. Don't.

[Justin McElroy]

An observation, not a question. Trev, that's fine. No problem.

[Travis McElroy]

There is definitely a trend in these fast food press releases where for whatever reason, the food must be photographed in some kind of colored void that I will never understand. There's no context.

[Griffin McElroy]

You need perspective. You need to know how big this meal is by having some.

[Justin McElroy]

They're floating in the snacking jar.

[Griffin McElroy]

They have shadows on it.

[Justin McElroy]

The new All American Sonic Smasher takes the original Sonic Smasher even further with flavors designed to deliver premium quality in every bite without the premium price tag.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, we recognize that. The first version of the Smasher, we fucked up.

[Griffin McElroy]

We fucked up. We know it.

[Travis McElroy]

We could have smashed it harder. We didn't smash it hard enough.

[Justin McElroy]

Each All American Sonic Smasher is hand smashed.

[Griffin McElroy]

Just fucking. No tools, just hot palm on the griddle.

[Travis McElroy]

Other burgers are smashed by AI, but here, Sonic real humans, we beg them to buy the robots.

[Justin McElroy]

We beg them to buy the burger. Smashing robots, we hate to smash the burgers with our hands.

[Travis McElroy]

They keep saying, Dave, the calluses are developing. Soon you won't even feel it anymore. But it's been five months.

[Griffin McElroy]

We had a guy on our 16th street location bring in some sort of heavy metal plate to do the smashing. We said, no, son. No way. Skin on skin. Contact is important here at Sonic Drive In.

[Travis McElroy]

That's how you form a bond.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's how you bond with the burgers.

[Justin McElroy]

Each All American Sonic Smasher is hand smashed and made to order, featuring two patties made with Angus beef, seasoned and seared to perfection for crispy edges and a juicy center.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep.

[Justin McElroy]

The patties are layered with melty American cheese, crisp lettuce, ripe tomatoes, crinkle cut pickles, diced onions, ketchup and mayo, all served on A pillowy, soft potato bun fresh off the grill. It's the classic All American cheeseburger. Leveled up?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

In what way?

[Griffin McElroy]

It's hot.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, the lineup includes double and triple options, with or without crispy bacon.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, but so then the Smash broiler isn't leveled up. I would need to pay to level it up.

[Justin McElroy]

Yep.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's so much. The ratio of burger to produce on this thing is pretty crazy. And I know that those numbers get thrown off once you do bring smashing into the mix, but I'm imagining the bite of this thing, and it is extraordinarily produce forward.

[Justin McElroy]

Is that maybe. Do you guys think there's a chance that the Smashing Machine ends with him getting fired from UFC and he ends up running the Smashing Machine at Sonic?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's possible.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you think there's any chance that that's. And then they're like. He's like, I can do it with my hands. Just let me be the Smashing Machine.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think any one of the three of us is ever gonna know the answer to that question authoritatively.

[Justin McElroy]

It's very fair, actually.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why can't they run the lettuce and the tomatoes and the pickles through the Smashing Machine and make them also flat? Why is only the meat flat? Why are we not working with very, very flat lettuce and pickles?

[Justin McElroy]

They want you to hand squish those yourself. The Sonic Smasher proves you don't have to settle, said Ryan Dickerson, the chief marketing officer at Sonic.

[Griffin McElroy]

Who would.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, hold on. That's a bold statement to not have any qualifier on. You don't have to settle for fast food. No, no. It proves you don't have to settle about anything.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a premium, made to order, hand smashed burger that's simply better than you'll find anywhere else in fast food or even fast casual. It's America's favorite for a reason. I'm telling All American.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm telling you, Steve, this lawsuit is going nowhere. They're offering you a deal.

[Justin McElroy]

Take it.

[Travis McElroy]

No. My Smash Burger tells me I don't have to settle. I don't think I'm gonna go into court.

[Justin McElroy]

I deserve better. I deserve all the crinkle cut pickles that the world has for me. Steven, it's an all American favorite for a reason. With the All American Smasher lineup, we're offering our best burger in a classic way people love without cutting corners on quality. And at $6 for a full meal, we're not just offering the best value, we're raising the Bar for what a fast food burger relationship should be.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that doesn't mean anything but go off king with your fast food burger relationship.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, now we have reached the faq.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, okay.

[Justin McElroy]

So now I will answer the question. Now I will tell you what your questions are about this.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

And you and I will then tell you the answers to your questions. Okay, so hold on.

[Travis McElroy]

Do I have to settle?

[Justin McElroy]

So Travis, you can take the first question.

[Travis McElroy]

How does the All American Sonic Smasher.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis, could you wash? Could you raise your hand?

[Griffin McElroy]

It's only nice if you raise your hand.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, Travis, I'm stretching. Travis, go ahead.

[Griffin McElroy]

Stretching in my chair. It is not raising my hand. Do not call Travis then Griffin.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, Travis McElroy. Travis McElroy times. How does the All American Sonic Smasher differ from. Excuse me, Sonic Smasher TM differ from the original Sonic Smasher tm?

[Justin McElroy]

I've asked you to stop saying your initials during your questions.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm just trying to raise watermark though. Really trying to get the All American.

[Justin McElroy]

Great question, Trev. The All American Sonic Smasher builds in the original Sonic Smasher by adding classic burger toppings, lettuce, tomato, ketchup and mayo. Plus bacon and triple patty options. Both burgers are hand smashed. They're made to order and feature two patties made with Angus beef, melty American cheese, crickled cut pickles and diced onions. Griffin, what was your. You had something Raisin, mate.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesus, man, that's not necessary.

[Justin McElroy]

This is a fast moving thing. I need to just go ahead. I already called on you. So. Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Griffin McElroy, yummy food times. What is included in the $6 All American Smasher Meal?

[Justin McElroy]

So you do have an All American Sonic Smasher Medium tots or medium Groovy fries? Medium.

[Griffin McElroy]

They don't call them. They don't call them. They do.

[Justin McElroy]

Medium. Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Travis McElroy, Washington Post. I actually want to circle back to my first question.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

I want to circle back to my getting my initials and they're paid off. I want to circle back to the first question. You said that the new Sonic Smasher came with more toppings, but then listed all the toppings that came on both of them and it did seem to.

[Justin McElroy]

Be everything it should be. I think your question, if you look. What's your question, Travis?

[Travis McElroy]

How long will the All American Sonic how long will the All American Sonic Smasher TM and $6 All American Smasher Meal be available?

[Justin McElroy]

A limited time.

[Travis McElroy]

How limited?

[Justin McElroy]

A limited time. I'm sorry, a limited time. We don't have any more information for you than that? Griffin?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, sorry. I had my hand raised for a long time. You didn't call it. No. Thank you.

[Justin McElroy]

Go ahead.

[Griffin McElroy]

Griffin McRoy, CBS News. Is the $6 All American Smasher meal available in the son.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes, the All American Sonic smasher and the $6 All American Smasher meal are available in the Sonic app and on lot at participating locations. I have time for one more. Travis. Travis, one more.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, I have a question about the heat at which jet fuel burns.

[Justin McElroy]

Sorry. Any other burger related?

[Griffin McElroy]

We're only doing burger related to do mine.

[Justin McElroy]

Griffin. Yes, Griffin. What's your follow up? Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Griffin Griff. Hey, everybody. Griffin McElroy, One American News Network. And I am here to ask you, does All American Sonic Smasher replace the original Sonic Smasher?

[Justin McElroy]

So, no. And this is why we've been so clear about, like, no.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm glad I didn't ask.

[Justin McElroy]

So the All American Sonic Smasher expands. Excuse me, Sorry.

[Travis McElroy]

That I'm glad.

[Griffin McElroy]

Stop the answer. That journalist over there just said some mean shit about me.

[Travis McElroy]

That shit wouldn't fly at the Washington Post and name questions like that. I'm out here trying to get to the truth.

[Justin McElroy]

Get that man out of here. Have him escorted out. I won't taste him, bro. Tase that, man. It's just an expansion of the menu. Thank you so much.

[Griffin McElroy]

So you're saying I can go to Sonic and say, let me get a Sonic Smasher and an All American Sonic Smasher? That's unhinged.

[Justin McElroy]

I know, dude. That's why they had to do an entire press release with a Q and A to explain.

[Travis McElroy]

Wild.

[Griffin McElroy]

Dude.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let me get the new shit and the busted old shit that we all know is a mistake for other countries.

[Justin McElroy]

I want that busted old one that you would ship over to, like, China or something, you know, I don't want that good old American burger that you have. I want the good stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

That stuff John Cougar Mellencamp sings about?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, that stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

Little burger for Jack and Diane. You get it.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, thank you so much for listening to our podcast.

[Griffin McElroy]

Must be the funny.

[Justin McElroy]

Must be the funny.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wow, that's cool.

[Justin McElroy]

That's a new tagline. It just like.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wow. Wow, man.

[Travis McElroy]

Sick carrot is welcome.

[Griffin McElroy]

It definitely wasn't a thing for, like, must see TV, NBC, like 1999. They definitely didn't parody that.

[Justin McElroy]

Nobody knows.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is original 26.

[Travis McElroy]

It's unbelievable.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, cool. That's good too. Trav. Did you write that?

[Travis McElroy]

I did. We've got new merch.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes, we Do Trav. Yes, we do.

[Travis McElroy]

We've got It's a good day for a fish to die camo hat which is absolutely wonderful. And a Miggy hoodie design by Bryn Dougherty.

[Griffin McElroy]

The hat is also miggy related. If you've never watched Clubhouse, you're probably pretty confused by the fact that we are selling an extremely bass pro shops coated sort of.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, but you should watch that show.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Now it's a massive a commitment once a month. You can't come watch our great show. I just did a whole thing about Avatar explaining all the land fauna of Avatar for an hour.

[Travis McElroy]

You're not going to watch that. Ren is dormouse on Instagram spelled D o u G H E R M o u S e door mouse on Instagram. Check them out. Also 20 mega stick sticker designed by Lucas Hesspenheid, Oosely based on Instagram. We've got the Candlelights video on demand. Pay what you want with all proceeds still going to Harmony House. You can check that out. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Immigrant Law center of Minnesota which provides free immigration legal representation to low income immigrants and refugees in Minnesota and North Dakota.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, we got a bunch of streams, guys. We're streaming so freaking much on the McElroy family YouTube channel. Like Justin said last Tuesday of every month at noon, we do McElroy Family Clubhouse. Every other Tuesday, the three of us get together and play video games for a show called Super McElroy Brothers. And then like three times a week we also go up and we do individual streams of us playing cool games, old games and weird games and that's all. If you follow McElroy Entertainment System on Instagram, you can get up to the minute updates on all of our gaming content. We're streaming so freaking much and just.

[Travis McElroy]

Follow McElroy family on YouTube and you'll catch all the stuff there. Few more packages available for Champions grove. Go to championsgrove.com, get them while they're available and we will see you there.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm sorry, I just love this big picture of.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's the big burger, isn't it? Hey, thanks to Montaigne for the use of our theme song My Life Is Better with youh. It's really a track that helps me center myself each morning.

[Justin McElroy]

When you're looking for something to throw.

[Griffin McElroy]

I got Chapstick that's like. I feel like it's helpful sometimes to use objects that people know are like familiar with the kind of stuff about it. So I'm gonna take my headphones so I can go to the other side of the room and get a good Chuck. So in like, you guys have like 10 seconds. You guys have like. Like, give me like 10 seconds and I'm just gonna throw it.

[Travis McElroy]

Can you give a big wind up too?

[Justin McElroy]

Maybe like a 3, 2, 1. Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Should we be counting?

[Justin McElroy]

My name is Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm Travis McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin Mc. Was it even on camera at all?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Square on the lips.

[Chorus/Singers]

It's better, It's better, it's better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

My life.

[Chorus/Singers]

It's better, it's better with you. Is it true? It's better, it's better with two.

[Justin McElroy]

Maximum Fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

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