MBMBaM 800: Platonic Soapbox Sex Coffin

Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: My Brother, My Brother And Me (MBMBaM)
Hosts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy
Episode: 800 - Platonic Soapbox Sex Coffin
Date: February 9, 2026

To mark their remarkable 800th episode, the McElroy brothers celebrate their longevity and signature blend of chaos and camaraderie, fielding bizarre listener questions and riffing toward comedic oblivion. This episode, though lightly self-referential, focuses on advice for awkward social situations, elaborate in-jokes, and signature bits. The main theme revolves around the brothers’ reflections on persistence, playfulness, and their role as purveyors of questionable advice for 16 years.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Episode 800 Celebration and “Face Reveal” (01:00–07:10)

• The McElroys mark 800 episodes, reflecting on their “pretty good hit rate” and patting themselves on the back (02:26):

  "This is our 16th year doing it and we're at 800, which is a pretty good hit rate." – Travis (02:18)

• Travis builds up to a “big announcement”: a live, on-air “face reveal,” satirically claiming he’s been wearing a “Gooberman” mask for years.
• The reveal launches into an ever-escalating, absurd narrative involving identity, commitment to bits, and familial confusion.
• Playful comparison and mock ranking of the brothers’ faces (“third-best,” “lighting thing,” Nate Silver jokes).

2. Concert Photo Dilemma & Mandatory Photography Tests (09:00–15:27)

• Listener quandary: How to politely get someone else to take a better photo after a stranger botched the first try at a concert.
• The brothers explore options ranging from befriending the bad photographer to openly seeking a redo.
• Tongue-in-cheek advocacy for a mandatory decennial “photographing class” as a requirement for voting (12:08):

  "Once a decade, you have to take a free online mandatory photographing class...about the rule of thirds." – Griffin (12:55)

• The importance of the “rule of thirds” is emphasized, with anecdotes about trusting children as better photographers than adults.

3. Inviting Friends to the Sauna: How Not to Be Weird (17:32–27:01)

• A listener asks how to invite friends to enjoy a home sauna “without making it a sex thing.”
• The brothers dissect the communication pitfalls, riffing on the dangers of using words like “intimate,” and spiral into linguistically loaded territory (“hot coffin”, “platonic soapbox sex coffin”).
• They stage a faux radio segment (“Turbo News”) as a public service announcement:

  “If you do sex stuff in [a sauna]...if some of the jizz gets on the stones, it’ll kill you graveyard dead.” – “Chet Flang,” Griffin, in-character (22:25)

• The bit satirizes public health messaging, with made-up researchers (“Dr. Hiss Steemen”, “Victoria Beckham from West Virginia”) warning of the fatal risks of sauna romance.
• Ultimate advice: Sometimes, it’s going to feel weird—because it is weird—recommending the presence of games or activities to avoid awkwardness.

4. Haunted Doll Watch: The Haunted Piano Key (36:19–47:58)

• Travis presents a haunted item discovered online: a single key from a haunted piano in West Virginia.
• The seller’s story: ever since buying a used piano, the family has experienced unexplainable noises, ghostly figures, and aggressive piano notes—culminating in destroying the piano and selling off the keys.
• Bizarre tale segues into jokes about the afterlife, cat ghosts, and the marketing of haunted eBay items:

  “You can buy one key, it’s $19.99, but you buy four or more...it’s only $15.99 a key. These things are selling themselves—and playing themselves!” – Travis (45:19)

• The listing for the haunted key is dissected, alongside an inventory of other, equally random items being sold by the seller.
• The brothers reflect on the sincerity behind the story, with nods to West Virginia localism.

5. Is It Weird to Ask My Landlady for a Massage? (48:01–53:35)

• A listener’s landlady, attending massage school, offers free massages for certification; the listener wants one, but their partner is hesitant.
• The brothers agree: the window for casually accepting has closed.

  “If the moment the landlady had said, ‘I gotta give massages to practice’ and you’d said, ‘Oh, I’d love that’...then it’s great. But later you’re like, ‘sign me up...’" – Travis (49:45)

• Griffin highlights the inherent weirdness of combining landlord–tenant dynamics with massage therapy:

  “That is an orange juice and pizza kind of combination.” – Griffin (51:05)

• They point out that being someone’s “practice person” is a different category than simply getting a massage, so “pay for one.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Once people get a taste of people knowing what their face looks like, they love it.” – Griffin (03:31)
• “Every time an angel nuts, a bell rings.” – Griffin (08:06)
• “This is my soapbox I’m gonna stand on.” – Griffin (12:12)
• “Our platonic coffin. Our soapbox sex coffin.” – Griffin (19:36)
• “If you do sex stuff in them, if some of the jizz gets on the stones, it’ll kill you graveyard dead.” – Griffin as Chet Flang (22:25)
• “Just keep it all normal. Talk about Friends marathons, talk about chips, just be normal in there.” – Travis as Victoria Beckham (24:33)
• “You gotta hone your brain—just hone your brain and ditch your shame, bro.” – Griffin (50:24)
• “Sometimes it’s going to feel weird, cause it is weird, friend.” – Travis (19:42)
• “That is an orange juice and pizza kind of combination...” – Griffin (51:05)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–03:30 – Opening banter, episode 800, Face Reveal setup
• 03:30–07:10 – Face reveal & Gooberman backstory
• 09:00–15:27 – Concert photo etiquette & mandatory photography class rant
• 17:32–27:01 – Sauna invitation & Turbo News: Sauna Sex PSA
• 36:19–47:58 – Haunted Doll Watch: Haunted piano key from West Virginia
• 48:01–53:35 – Landlady massage question and boundary talk

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Tone & Style

The episode is fast-paced, referential, heavily improvised, and suffused with sibling affection and relentless goofs. The McElroys delight in tangents, absurd hypotheticals, and earnest-yet-silly roleplay.

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Conclusion

Episode 800 encapsulates the enduring appeal of MBMBaM: a blend of earnest advice (occasionally useful), surreal comedic roleplays, and self-aware banter. The main takeaways: sometimes social situations are awkward because they are, in fact, awkward—and the best way forward may just be to normalize that discomfort with humor, creativity, or, failing that, a well-timed callback to the rule of thirds.

Transcript

[Griffin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.

[Travis McElroy]

Also, this show isn't for kids, which.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mention only so the babies out.

[Travis McElroy]

There will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's the start of something beautiful A small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into a precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life, it feels like life is Ah, it's better, it's better with you My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you this is who you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are.

[Travis McElroy]

It'S better, it's better with two. Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tiberius McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your minimalist by the Travis Big Dog. Froom vroom. The Rocket McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, Griffin McElroy, your sweet baby brother. 30 under 30 media luminary fastball.

[Travis McElroy]

Guys, it's episode 800 and I've got a big announcement.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, I'm excited cause we've got a real showstopper planned for. We've been buzzing for months about the big eight eight.

[Travis McElroy]

The big eight zero zero that we realized a long time before now, like.

[Griffin McElroy]

October, we've started churning.

[Travis McElroy]

We started generating ideas on big 8 00. The numbers move sequentially, right? And like we knew we were doing like 7:95, 7:96. So like, we definitely need to come in.

[Griffin McElroy]

And the fact that we are always doing about 19 things at the same time did not stop us from remembering to recognize this important podcasting achievement. The 800 episode 800?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. This is our 16th year doing it and we're at 800, which is a pretty good hit rate.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's not bad, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, that's not a bad guy. 50 episodes a year.

[Griffin McElroy]

I feel pretty good about that. Little pat on the back for us working 50 hours a year. I think that's good stuff, guys.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, sometimes you go like an hour 15.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sure.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, that's true. But I've got a big announcement. I didn't think I would be so nervous. But to celebrate episode 800.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, man.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna do a face reveal. I think it's. Yeah, right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Trav, the digital mask you wear is Such a big part of your identity. It's on all stuff. I know you can't take it off.

[Travis McElroy]

I've been working with not be the.

[Griffin McElroy]

Goober man anymore with a famous mask.

[Travis McElroy]

But I've been working with a face therapist to help me, you know, recognize myself outside of the Gooberman mask.

[Griffin McElroy]

Because are we gonna see Dagoberman again after this, or does this phase reveal mean, like, Dagoberman is dead in character?

[Travis McElroy]

I think the Gooberman will always be there on some level. You know what I mean, Juice?

[Griffin McElroy]

We're never seeing Dagoberman again.

[Travis McElroy]

You don't know that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't say I do know that. I've seen these things happen before in the past. Once people get a taste of people knowing what their face looks like, they love it.

[Travis McElroy]

They lay it. The worry was addicted to face guys. I was starting to be more Dagoberman outside of stuff than I wasn't. You know what I mean? There'd be times when I'd be sitting at dinner and my children would call me Mr. McElroy and I'd be like, no, it's Da Gooberman, please. Yeah, you know, and then I was like, whoa, this has gone too deep.

[Griffin McElroy]

So, no, I mean, when you showed up for Christmas and you came in the door and you were all hunched over and you kept yelling, pee Pee patrol. I was like, man, can we get one break from Dagoober? Like, I miss Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

Or Da Goob as he can't D. Goob, like, please your family. It's Da Goob, Dagooba. And it's like, all right. Can I call you trilis, though? Or Mr. McMuh?

[Griffin McElroy]

No, he wanted to be Dagooberman only.

[Travis McElroy]

Goob me, bro, I would say, you know.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right, well, let's. Enough preamble.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, dude, Pee Pee patrol's over.

[Griffin McElroy]

Killed to Gooberman. Let's see this bad boy.

[Travis McElroy]

That's my face.

[Griffin McElroy]

So my first, I guess my first. My initial reaction. My initial reaction, Travis.

[Travis McElroy]

Prescription, I guess. Yeah. First of all, that's where, before we.

[Griffin McElroy]

Get into it, our reaction. How do you feel right now, Travis, about your face? This must be a vulnerable moment.

[Travis McElroy]

I feel very expensive exposed. But I feel like I imagine other people. Sorry, can you move the mic? Cause I'm not seeing the bottom.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're not getting the cold project into it.

[Travis McElroy]

Cause I do need to hear a similar color, but it's the feeling of people jumping into a cold lake, which I've never done and will never do, where it's like I feel alive. That's kind of the feeling I'm having now. Although I am seeing myself now for the first time and realizing how much of my facial hair is gray and white, but not the mustache. So this is a face reveal to you as well? Yeah, I've never looked.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, my God.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I've never looked at it. Why are glasses purple?

[Griffin McElroy]

I assume, Trav.

[Travis McElroy]

I endorse.

[Griffin McElroy]

I know. I assumed that when we weren't doing the show, you didn't wear the Gooberman.

[Travis McElroy]

Mask, but it sounds like you haven't.

[Griffin McElroy]

Seen your actual face flesh in quite some time.

[Travis McElroy]

No. Well, what happened was, Griffin, these musketeers showed up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Move your mic back up. I can barely hear you.

[Travis McElroy]

These musketeers showed up to where my evil twin had locked me in the goober mask and rescued me from the French prison that I was in to take my rightful place as Travis and free me from da Goober mask.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so that's the plot of Demand, and da Goober mask is what you've just done.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Leo Capps was in that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Leo Capps was in that. He played Fartanion, and he was kidding.

[Travis McElroy]

Who was? What's that? That was Robin. Are you telling me, man, the Iron Mask is secretly a three Musketeers joint?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. They trick you. They don't tell you that.

[Travis McElroy]

But it's like. That's cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it's like when you saw 10 Cloverfield Lane, and you're like, wait, this is part of the Cloverfield vert. Like, it's that moment. It's like, oh, shit, it's big. It's bigger now.

[Travis McElroy]

So what do you guys think of my face? Yeah, yeah, sorry. Factor your face. You're. Yeah. If you could rank it, like, on a scale of 1 to 10, where would you put it?

[Griffin McElroy]

What am I?

[Travis McElroy]

Well, let's say. Let's agree third. Like, if we're ranking third. The face. Third. Oh, yeah. Third.

[Griffin McElroy]

The score is going to be great.

[Travis McElroy]

The score is going to be great. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

It will be the third lowest score on the. On the list, and. We didn't do that, Trav. We didn't do the list. Yeah. This date is coming in. This data is coming in real time. I've got my road dog, Nate Silver, sitting right by me. He's pulling in the polling data on the big board. He's interpreting.

[Travis McElroy]

Where was the Gooberman on that list?

[Griffin McElroy]

He was also last, but way lower score because his mask.

[Travis McElroy]

His face was bad. His face was bad.

[Griffin McElroy]

Objectively, pretty bad face, but I'm above him.

[Travis McElroy]

Right.

[Griffin McElroy]

I like it. I like that face. That's Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life. I always thought that was a weird way to start that movie when they're like, here's the guy whose life you're going to be saving, and he's like, I like his face, Clarence.

[Travis McElroy]

Will I be wearing his face? Lord, no. No, Clarence.

[Griffin McElroy]

No.

[Travis McElroy]

I want to take his face, Joseph.

[Griffin McElroy]

I told you he was gonna do this. I told you he was gonna be weird.

[Travis McElroy]

I think I'd like to make love to that pretty wife of his.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, Clarence, no. You can't do that.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna take his face off every time. Bailey, would you like another flaming run punch? Please, just let us go.

[Griffin McElroy]

Every time an angel nuts. A bell rings and then. Wait.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, so it's the other way around. Transitive proposal. Normally, when the bell rings, angel has its wings. That's horrifying.

[Griffin McElroy]

I like that face. Anyway, what were we talking? Oh, yeah, Trav. Eight and a half. You get a solid. A solid ign. Eight and a half.

[Travis McElroy]

So, wait, where does that put your. If your ranking. If your score is above mine, what would you give your own face?

[Griffin McElroy]

Juice and I are neck and neck in a way where any time we're not comparing.

[Travis McElroy]

Next.

[Griffin McElroy]

Griffin, look at the comments. Yeah, yeah, look at the comments. Juices. Juice is the prettiest macaroy right now. I think the. The comments all agree. And that's not like I'm not, You know, I'm doing.

[Travis McElroy]

That's a lighting thing. Mainly.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a lighting thing, but it's a. I mean, gosh, Juice, you have managed to harm. You look great. I just want to tell you.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, here's a question.

[Griffin McElroy]

You want to talk about how handsome you are?

[Travis McElroy]

That's my wife.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can Travis and I talk about how handsome you are?

[Travis McElroy]

If I wasn't related to you, we're getting to a point place where. No, I don't want to. But I will say this. Dear brothers, my wife and I are at a concert for our anniversary. We're standing near the stage and will be until the concert is over so we don't lose our place with the kids.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sidebar. How. How's everyone doing this?

[Travis McElroy]

How are you guys doing this without bathrooms?

[Griffin McElroy]

How do you do?

[Travis McElroy]

How do you do? How do you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Business. Shit.

[Travis McElroy]

The choice spot for me is stage visibility plus pathway to bathroom. Balcony plus pathway to refreshments.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Sitting down. Sitting down. I need to triangulate that. If I'm at a concert, by the way, and I'm sitting down and everybody, like, gets in the Moment and starts to stand up. I've never felt more betrayed than my feeling. It was like, no, guys, but we all. I thought we all paid for this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Now when we fire up the old touring machine again, it pays off to get close.

[Travis McElroy]

The Turin machine.

[Griffin McElroy]

The Turin.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. Yeah. When we all take the Turin.

[Travis McElroy]

So with three kids, date nights are rare. So we asked the woman standing behind us to take our picture to commemorate the occasion. We just looked at the picture and it's maybe the worst picture of us ever taken. Zoomed out to 0.5. Bad lighting, bad angle, the works. She took many pictures and they're all terrible. We'll be standing by her for the next several hours. How do we get someone else to take our picture without alerting her to the fact that. That she did a horrible job? And that's from Concert Pit Conundrum. I have an early thought that's untested by logic. If I could just. Yeah, get it out quick before logic.

[Griffin McElroy]

Catches up to it.

[Travis McElroy]

Before logic catches up. If you befriend this woman, that's your best option. Because if you get in good enough with her that you could be like, this is too good. I gotta remember. I gotta remember this. Stand with me and Janane over there. Yeah, stand with us. I want to get a picture with you. Not so close. Yeah, it'll be like a funny one where there's like a gap in the middle that we can Photoshop someone in. Like we're posing separately. Yeah. But we're going to have this jabroni over here. Take our picture.

[Griffin McElroy]

Point five is such a nasty trick. Point five is always like, I'd love to get more of the scene in this picture. And then you take the picture and you look at it a month later like, this looks like shit. Why did I put my kids in this weird fisheye Beastie Boys music video angle? This doesn't look good at all. They should know better just from that alone.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I can't stand it. I think you should just ask somebody else because she blew it. You know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, I think that maybe this is some constructive feedback via social interaction that needs to happen. Of like, hey, your photography skills are shit and you're gonna pick up on that. Go ahead, go ahead, comedy man.

[Griffin McElroy]

Say that. Say that.

[Travis McElroy]

No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying if you ask somebody else.

[Griffin McElroy]

And made the other person watch. Say what? Pay attention. Learn.

[Travis McElroy]

Watch this. Watch what I do here. Watch this. Watch. You ever see a grown woman cry? Watch this.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't I'm not saying that there should be a mandatory test that people have to take once a decade where they demonstrate basic sort of photographic.

[Travis McElroy]

Sorry, did you say to vote? To vote. Okay. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is my. This is my soapbox I'm gonna stand on. No, no. Well, okay, so if we wanted to tie voting responsibility to this thing.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's maybe not the worst idea in the world. In order to vote, you do need to take a once a decade, mandatory 30 minute online free.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, photographing class, Myers Briggs.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, wait, no, like photography.

[Travis McElroy]

Photographing class, photography. This is the base scale that we need our. You know what, Griffin, honestly, I want to argue with you about it. I want to argue with you, but like, documenting through photography, there's a vocabulary there that a lot of people lack. That's a good point.

[Griffin McElroy]

If I were in Society, a five minute YouTube video about the rule of thirds will change your life. Five minute YouTube video, the rule of thirds. You're set, man. You really. I don't remember anything else from my college photography glasses that I took for journalism school. I don't remember.

[Travis McElroy]

Fucking golden ratio.

[Griffin McElroy]

Who gives a shit? No one uses that rule of thirds, though.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, that one's a good one.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the best and only one that you really need. It tells you exactly how much headspace to give them, exactly how to crop it.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you guys have. I have a similar thing to derail this a little bit of like, I took a film studies class and I remember one thing, and it's about the 180 rule of, like, people walking across me. Oh, yeah. And it's that thing that I pull out when I'm watching a movie and I'm like, mm, yeah. I really like the way they play. Yeah, they broke that. To show how discordant this is, I.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don'T think I have gotten someone, a stranger, to take a picture of me and Rachel. I mean, since we have kids, our children. You just make your kids do it. Our kids?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

God, that's.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, that's good. Bibi does it. Bibi's incredible at it. And Bibi knows she's good at it. She'll be like, you two get together, let me take a picture of you.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm like, gotta love it for her.

[Travis McElroy]

God, that's good. She's so good at it.

[Griffin McElroy]

And she does serve her so well. So well.

[Travis McElroy]

She's like, doing angles and having us pose in waves. And I'm like, okay, thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Rachel and I are both blessed with pretty long arms and now knowledge that when you press the volume up or down button. It does the shutter in photo mode. With those two things equipped, you can really get some pretty phenomenal pictures of yourself.

[Travis McElroy]

Have you guys ever been in a scenario where a stranger has volunteered? Like, I was on a family trip. I was making, like, a selection of, like, selfies to build into a, like, album of, like, here's selfies. Exactly the same. Of all the places the four of us have been. Cool. And a stranger saw this and was like, do you want me to take your picture? And it's so hard to go. No, no, I don't want that. Actually. Yeah, I would rather you didn't because I've got a choice thing going here, and I don't know you. And one, I'm handing you my. You're asking me to hand you my phone? I know a scam when I see one.

[Griffin McElroy]

People get so mad when they see selfie sticks out in the world. But it's like, have you done your once a decade photographing class that's online and free? I think so. I think you need to exercise your civic responsibility and vote and by the transitive property. Also, take this online free mandatory photographing class that teaches you about the rule of thirds and that the volume buttons do the shutter.

[Travis McElroy]

Depending on the show, there could be a moment. Like, if you're at a Lou Vega show and you wait until he does Mama number five.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

The other person is gonna be so in. Yeah, they're gonna be. It's gonna be ripping your wife. It's all gonna be joy. It's all gonna be pleasure.

[Griffin McElroy]

Your wife's name is Monica, Angela, Rita. And that's like, when that comes up in Mambo number five. Like, you want to capture that moment, that exact moment.

[Travis McElroy]

I bet that's if she wrote that lyric as part of a cameo for your wife. I bet that's so confusing. If you're at your first Lou Vega show and you somehow miss Mamba number five, and your name is Monica, Angela, Rita. And you're like, is he calling me on stage?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Am I supposed to go up there? That's such a threadbare hypothetically for you.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, I like it. I like the idea of Lou Vega having a one less lonely girl call up where he's like, all right, ladies. Every time he gets on stage, he's like, finishes Mambo number four. And he's like, you know, what the fuck's coming? He's like, you know the rules, ladies. If your name is Angela, Monica, Rita, those are the only fucking three names I can remember there's like 14 names.

[Travis McElroy]

In that goddamn Sandra. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sandra Citra. Citra Yennefer, Phoebe, Chandler. Lubega.

[Travis McElroy]

Lubega.

[Griffin McElroy]

He says his own name.

[Travis McElroy]

He says Lubega says his own name a few times. Yeah. And when things are not going great, Lou Bega. Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou. I had motto, for a month, it was Lou, just Lou. For a month. I broke my ankle and it was just Louis. Sandra stopped by, but nothing got going. Nothing got going on. It would be Sandra, but Sandra wasn't feeling the leg thing. There's just a lot of lose in the spreadsheet I've built here. It's just a lot of lose.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, no. So yeah, there should be mandatory photography classes and just do selfies.

[Travis McElroy]

That's it. How about another question?

[Griffin McElroy]

Sure.

[Travis McElroy]

My husband just finished building a sauna room in our basement. It is awesome and we would love to share the experience with friends. The problem is the room is very small, about 4 foot by 7 foot, half of which is taken up by the bench.

[Griffin McElroy]

I would argue that's fairly a pretty good size for a sauna. Actually, I don't think it's that small.

[Travis McElroy]

We don't want to fuck our friends. Not that there's anything wrong with that. So is there a non weird way to invite people? That's a big blanket statement, by the way. Any of them. Sorry, go on. Yeah, just like, listen. But that's not where they're at. Okay. They want to invite people to this small hot room in their basement without making it like a sex thing. Yeah. That's from Sweaty and Suburbia. Now, the thing I do want to say before we get into it is that as someone who has been on the other side of this equation. Yes. I would like you to please be gentle with your husband when you're describing the size of the sauna. Because, yeah, it. He worked very hard on it and he probably knows it's not the biggest sauna in the world. So if you start talking about how hard it is to get a lot of people in the sauna, that could be very hurtful for him. Okay. I once made a deck in my backyard and it was. And because of the size of the area that I was trying to account for, it was a very small deck. And some people think that my deck is kind of pointless. It's so small, there's no reason for me to have the deck.

[Griffin McElroy]

But I didn't say anything about your deck, did I?

[Travis McElroy]

I am proud of. No. Well, did I talk shit about.

[Griffin McElroy]

I Genuinely don't remember if I talk.

[Travis McElroy]

Not with words. Not with words. Okay, but I'm just saying that like, please find a delicate way of having these conversations. Maybe stick to words like intimate or.

[Griffin McElroy]

No.

[Travis McElroy]

That doesn't really help your case though, does it?

[Griffin McElroy]

No, that's what makes it worse. Come into our intimate 28 square foot chamber.

[Travis McElroy]

Tiny. Intimate.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hot.

[Travis McElroy]

Romantic.

[Griffin McElroy]

Romantic.

[Travis McElroy]

Hot coffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Nude.

[Travis McElroy]

Hot, nude, hot coffin. Our platonic.

[Griffin McElroy]

Our platonic coffin. Our soapbox sex coffin.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, it may feel weird. Cause it is weird, friend. I don't know.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know, it's like.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't know, it may just like get weird is the thing. Cause like some of it is not. Huh. Some of it is not about the hang ups. Some of it is not about the, the things that you've been taught about saunas. Yeah. Some of it is about the reality of it. You're going to get in there and it is going to be like, well, what do we do now? That is going to.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Listen, as a man who's let's say, lived with ADHD his entire life, anything that involves. And then we just exist in this moment.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Right, Right, right.

[Griffin McElroy]

You gotta have an activity. You gotta have a little game. You gotta have something.

[Travis McElroy]

Gotta have something. Gotta have something. A little game. A little game or a little game? Like if you're gonna like a little.

[Griffin McElroy]

Game or a little game, One of.

[Travis McElroy]

Those two things, you know, like whatever. But you don't want that. You don't want the second one, which is fine.

[Griffin McElroy]

Here's the.

[Travis McElroy]

Like what else are you doing in there? I guess is my question. It's gonna be boring. You get a crab boil. You get a crab boil going while you're in there. You're steaming yourself, you're steaming some crab. You know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's pretty cool actually. I like that. Put it, put them right on the coals. What about this?

[Travis McElroy]

What if you make a big deal talking to your friends about how you recently found out that you shouldn't do any sex stuff in saunas.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Like it's actually dangerous because the heat could. You could kill you. So like if you go into a sauna and it can't be at all romantic or sexy because you could die from that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Here, can we actually, we could provide them a service. Just like pretend like you're turning on the radio and then. But like play the next like 20 seconds of this show.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, that's good.

[Griffin McElroy]

And then we'll put in like a new stinger. Right. It will give you some.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I be. Can be that. I'll be. I'll do the ads coming back. Half price. Half price. Half price. Half price.

[Griffin McElroy]

Half price.

[Travis McElroy]

Shoes.

[Griffin McElroy]

What a. What a specific reference. And the Stinger is going to play nakir the news.

[Travis McElroy]

We'll get a.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, we have like that's Round Ball Rock. So that's John Tesh's Round Ball Rock. They're not going to play that before the New Year.

[Travis McElroy]

Got it down at the Roundhouse when.

[Griffin McElroy]

They'Re going to play.

[Travis McElroy]

The show down.

[Griffin McElroy]

Put music like a real music fun. So here we go. So don't start it yet. Start it in like a few. Once we get it together. Trav, you're going to get us content struck for the theme song.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm going to do. I'm going to do the ad and then we'll come back.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Tutor's Biscuit World is just like coming home.

[Griffin McElroy]

And this is where the Stinger goes. Welcome back to Turbo News. This is Chet Flang. And today we have a special report coming out of the industry of recreational health. Saunas. If you do sex stuff in them, if some of the jizz gets on the stones, it'll kill you graveyard dead. That's from our lead researcher.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, hello, that's me, the lead researcher, Dr. Hiss. Steven, listen. We've studied countless couples in saunas. So many of them dead. We have so much blood on our hands. And you know what? We take full responsibility for that. For the good of the people. Don't sex in saunas. Yes, my name's Victoria Beckham. We've got a call in Virginia. My name is Victoria Beckham. I'm from natural West Virginia. I lost my husband Darrell. He chased on one of the stones and then his face got all purple. Now he lives up in Jesus with my brother simpleton. So you heard it here.

[Griffin McElroy]

You four.

[Travis McElroy]

Don'T.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, wait, hold on. Dr. Steam. And a clarifying question. Yeah, it's. What if they promise really hard not to get any jizz on the hot rock?

[Travis McElroy]

Any jizz in the air. Jizz particles can still cause the problem.

[Griffin McElroy]

So it needs to be. What if they just do a little. It says here hanky panky, but don't finish.

[Travis McElroy]

Even pre jizz can cause. My freeform. Jizz can cause. Monterrey was just shooting chalk dust out of there and he still manages to kill himself.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, Dr. Steeman, I need you to take a break and I want to hear more from Victoria. You're saying that dust came out of your husband's penis after completion?

[Travis McElroy]

It looked like one of Those parallel bar gymnasts was about to do their thing. Just a big plume of dust up in the air. And then it landed on the rocks.

[Griffin McElroy]

And that was enough to kill him. Graveyard death. Okay, so what would you say, Ms. Beckham, to any quartet of two married couples who are maybe thinking about getting into a sauna and doing anything that might lead to any sort of discharge?

[Travis McElroy]

Just keep it all normal. Just keep it normal. Talk about. Talk about Friends marathons, talk about chips. You, like, just be normal in there. Please don't. If anybody gives anybody that even looks like an eye, or it kind of a. Huh. Or they try to bring up La Seduction that they were watching on HBO or anything like that, you get the hell out of there.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay?

[Travis McElroy]

What's that.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's that show, Ms. Beckham?

[Travis McElroy]

It's a sort of an adaptation. Dangerously so. Sorry. Daryl brought it up. Daryl brought it up. Cause he thought he could bridge. Daryl brought it up. Cause we've been watching it on hbo. Max, I don't like things with so much. Wait, when did Daryl die?

[Griffin McElroy]

What? Did Daryl die?

[Travis McElroy]

Quite recently.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, hey, hey, buddy.

[Travis McElroy]

Two weeks ago. As the Ko Flies of memory serve.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm the anchor here. You don't ask the questions. Dr. Steaming. Stay in your fucking room.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm just trying to figure out if Victoria's single or not. You know what I mean? Have you had time to grieve?

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm allowed to ask questions about other people's sort of.

[Travis McElroy]

You got time to grieve, you got time to clean. That's what my boss used to say. That's horrible. That's really the best job I ever had.

[Griffin McElroy]

Where was this? Put this place on blast.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm there right now. I'm there now. It's at this Hardee's. Victoria, are you on the phone? I told you, this is my break. Oh, she says I get a break. If you have time to go on a break, you got time to clean.

[Griffin McElroy]

So it sounds like he thinks this. Sorry, can you put that guy on the phone? Victoria, let's talk to your boss.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, it's me, Tom Hardy.

[Griffin McElroy]

So, Tom Hardy. I just want to check on something really quick. If you're not. Are you. Is your suggestion that anytime you're not cleaning is. You have time to be cleaning during that?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Even during cleaning, if you have time to clean, you got time to clean more.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's crazy. That's. Why are you so interested in that? Like, people need time to. You know, Sin is everywhere, okay?

[Travis McElroy]

And that's all the time that we have. For this evening, for real news, I've been Victoria Beckham.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, hold.

[Travis McElroy]

I've been Terry Gross.

[Griffin McElroy]

No. Who am I? Hold on.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait.

[Griffin McElroy]

Who am I? Wait, you were the anchor. Why did you become.

[Travis McElroy]

It took so long that she actually got a job as a co Ankle. Because she's single and she. Yeah, and she changed her voice.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. But this was Turbo. This was Turbo News. A gun to my head.

[Travis McElroy]

We'll get it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gun to my head. $200 held out in front of me. Could not remember the name of the guy.

[Travis McElroy]

I mean, I think it was slang. Johnson.

[Griffin McElroy]

That was a long run, guys. I am exhausted.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, get yourself together, Griffin, because it's time for us to go earn our. Do a real job. We're going to go to the Money Zone. It's better. It's better luggage. I've decided to do a fun thing for this Money Zone. It's thematic. I thought we could do a thematic money Zone. Agreeing ahead of time, too, on the parameters. That's always fun. Picture a place that is square.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Do you see it?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Now picture your dreams there.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Picture your goals. Picture your future.

[Griffin McElroy]

How big is the square?

[Travis McElroy]

It depends on the size of the monitor or handheld device upon which you're viewing it. Cause I'm talking about Squarespace, baby.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay?

[Travis McElroy]

It's a square space where you can put your ideas just as good.

[Griffin McElroy]

He's got a little square there. He's showing us. Show me your square.

[Travis McElroy]

Just first. Whoa. David Bowie. Where'd you get that shit from? Wow.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's like a little plastic square. That's cool.

[Travis McElroy]

I need you to sell your fish food. I want you to list your calendar appointments for me on the web. I have designers who've made templates like this for you. Reach out and grab them. And then. Selfish food online.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is a.

[Travis McElroy]

This is a.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is a wild ride, guys.

[Travis McElroy]

Does it have to be just fish food? David, you can do anything. You can blog about your dad.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay?

[Travis McElroy]

You can post your pictures of Regis Philbin, whatever you want to do in your square. I've made the entire world for you in crystal. For your brother. Just give me your brother, and I'll let you make a fish.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want to be clear here.

[Travis McElroy]

Squarespace is great.

[Griffin McElroy]

We've used it a lot to make a lot of beautiful websites that make us seem more professional than we are. I don't remember receiving a crystal at any point in the. In the transaction, in the.

[Travis McElroy]

Did you give your brother so.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, they. But they didn't ask. Is that, like, you have to Type in. In the coupon code field.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, you have to type in the coupon code field. I submit my brother to the Goblin King.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. And then he gives you a crystal. And he will give you a crystal.

[Travis McElroy]

And that is like. I will say it's a lot harder than. It's easier than Squarespace in a sense, because you just say the one thing and then Goblin King's gone. Pretty much takes it from there. But in another sense, it's harder because it's not necessarily gonna be the website that you want. It is gonna be. You know what I mean? And it might change the dynamic of your podcast if you give away one of the brothers. Such a good point, Travis. The Goblin King will trade your brother for a website. But is it gonna have all the. Are you going to be able to sell stuff? You know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

No, no, because it's in a little crystalline square in your hand. No one's going to get on there, man.

[Travis McElroy]

Do they have good WI fi in the labyrinth? Will the brothers still be able to podcast from there? They don't know. I mean, these are the questions that the Goblin King Jareth isn't willing to answer. But Squarespace is. We need to get the Goblin King Jareth on Turbo News. They'll get to the heart of this with their hard hitting questions. Head to squarespace.com mybrother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code mybrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I have been. Can I do my thematic thing?

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, yeah. I didn't realize you had something to type.

[Travis McElroy]

I forgot, Trav, you did the second part. Picture a square. Are you picturing a square?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

That you can put your adventures on. That you can put your loved ones on. That you can fill with memories.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm pretty sure that it's rectangular.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you want this picture of your brother?

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

This is a picture of you and your grandmother at Six Flags.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. For this gem. Give me your brother and I will give you a gem that will show you pictures of your family.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. We could also just use aura frames instead of trading me for a picture of me on a little gym. I'm just saying aura frames does this way. Way better.

[Travis McElroy]

It means the world to me, Griffin, that you defaulted to Justin would trade you and not me. That means a lot.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think I'd be the easiest to trade.

[Travis McElroy]

Why? Why? Why do you think that? What makes you say so?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know. I don't actually.

[Travis McElroy]

Easier to get in a trunk. Yeah, probably that's true.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jared would have an easier time getting me up into the air on his broom than he would you. And that's not saying that you're not. You're just, like, sort of built, you.

[Travis McElroy]

Know, and I'm scrappier. I think you. You might fight it for a minute, and then you'd be like, okay, no.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jareth could absolutely be.

[Travis McElroy]

I've also seen Jareth, like, holding court with all the goblins. And, like, the one thing I don't think that cat wants is somebody else pulling focus.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, it really. He seems to really enjoy just, like, holding cord.

[Griffin McElroy]

So, anyway, Aura frames. Yeah, Aura Frames is amazing. Yeah, gang. These are quality digital picture frames. And what I really appreciate about them is that it's so easy to manage the photos on them instead of letting your photos just disintegrate in a group chat or some online group somewhere. Instead all that. Why don't you put them in a beautiful aura frame? You just download the Aura Frames app. You can zip, zap, zap any of your pictures to the frames you've connected to. Get one for Grampy, then do the app, and then you can put pictures on it so Grampy doesn't have to.

[Travis McElroy]

You can get the fun experience I have where I have the aura frame. And anytime a picture comes up before Dot was born, she starts to make plans of when we're going to go back to that place and recreate the photo with her in it.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's awesome, Travis. God, that's good. Your children are so powerful.

[Travis McElroy]

Charlie's watching tv, and a baby photo of hers popped up in the aura, and I was looking at. I said, she wasn't even really listening. I said, gosh, you remind me of the babe. And she said, what babe? And I said, the babe in the photo? She said, what photo?

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, man, you're so close.

[Travis McElroy]

Aura.

[Griffin McElroy]

But then it fell apart, didn't it?

[Travis McElroy]

Then it fell apart. You said. You're so close to saying it. You gave me the. It was you saying it. Oh, you actually ruined it because I had a really good. Oh, you had the whole thing good. One good ending.

[Griffin McElroy]

I thought you were telling an actual story.

[Travis McElroy]

Sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

I thought you were telling a real story of a thing that really, really happened between you and Charlie, and it almost organically became the bit from Labyrinth. But you're saying.

[Travis McElroy]

No, it was almost there, and I just couldn't. I couldn't stick it. Honestly, Gryffon, I couldn't do it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. So Aura Frames is great. And we've. I think at this point, all of us have given them out. They're great gifts. Great gifts.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

They're also nice to have around the home. We have one down in our living room and it's always nice.

[Travis McElroy]

It reminds me of my house when my house wasn't blanketed. What house?

[Griffin McElroy]

The house with the flower name.

[Travis McElroy]

Not number one by Wirecutter. You can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com for a limited time. Listeners can get $35 off their best selling carver mat frame with code mybrother. That's a U R A frames.com promo code, my brother. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. We're winning.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fucking we're winning that. Iheartradio.

[Travis McElroy]

That's what I was gonna say. We'll just clip that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Submit that. That's the one that will take up a large. I bet they. They typically will play the entire ad at the ceremony, but not this time. No, no, not. Not with this. They'll play it at like 1.75 speed like everyone else does.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, sure.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, Alexis. Hey, Ella. What animal has the most teeth? I would guess a shark, a snail. No, snails don't have teeth.

[Griffin McElroy]

They have thousands and they are freaky looking.

[Travis McElroy]

No, I don't want that to be true. Okay. Did you know that the hippocampus in your brain is named after the half horse, half fish, sea creature found in Greek mythology? I didn't know that. But we're meant to be doing animal trivia and hippocampus isn't a real animal. Well, that doesn't matter on Comfort Creatures.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're right.

[Travis McElroy]

It doesn't matter at all. Comfort Creatures is a cozy show for lovers of animals of all shapes and sizes, real and unreal. If that sounds like your cup of tea, then join us every Thursday for new episodes on maximumfun.org.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you a celebrity? Are you searching for meaning, connection and a little levity these days? Hi, I'm Kumail Nanciani, Actor, writer, and.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes, a celebrity, too. And I've got four words for you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Bullseye with Jesse. Jesse Thorne. Are you tired of junkets, red carpets? Sick of the endless spicy snacks you have to eat? Do you want to connect with someone who gets your work and laugh with you a little? Join me, Andre 3000, Tom Hanks, Tina Fey, and many more? And become a guest on Bullseye with Jesse Thorne.

[Travis McElroy]

From NPR and Maximum. We got a haunted doll. Watch.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, my God.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, my God. Were you scared?

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, it's been a minute since I've seen a haunted doll around these parts.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, well, this isn't even a haunted doll. But we did have. I had a local connection on this one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Holy shit.

[Travis McElroy]

So I felt like I needed to share it with you all.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, let's see.

[Travis McElroy]

One haunted item. Piano key. What? Paranormal, unexplained, chilling, haunted items. Eerie. Okay, that's the listing.

[Griffin McElroy]

And for sale is a P. Is one piano key one? It was hard to find the noun in there to tell.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, so it's one. What you're buying is one piano key.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. Haunted.

[Travis McElroy]

Huh? One piano key. Haunted. Let me see if I can give you guys a decent visual to work with. This is interesting because this is. This is such a good inversion, right? Of, like, try to figure out what's weirder to buy a single key or to have a single key to sell. Now, wait a minute.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's like 16. I'm looking at, like, 16 pianos.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, but, like, you're buying one at a time. They're all haunted. Yeah, but you're buying by the same ghost.

[Griffin McElroy]

Go to the next photo up, because I feel like we're looking at maybe even an entire piano's worth of keys that are haunted. So that's 88.

[Travis McElroy]

So he's, like, selling each key individually. I'm like, you look. You could buy three for $6.99 a piece if you wanted to. Is that parts of a single ghost? Is it? So you can get a deal. Get a combo deal. Why do you want more than one haunted key? Pervert. No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, but like, a piano that is haunted.

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

One at a time? Yeah, if a piano that is haunted, like the ones.

[Travis McElroy]

Let's say one at a time. And for sure not the guy with the list of all the words in front of him. One at a time.

[Griffin McElroy]

One at a time.

[Travis McElroy]

Not sure how to pick the priority, but let's start with Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are we talking a piano is not a house for 88 ghosts.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

So I guess that's sort of my starting point.

[Travis McElroy]

So true.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can have one big ghost in a haunted piano that, like, tries to eat you up when the mouth goes up and down, like in Super Mario 64 or House. But the idea of the G and the F on the piano roll being ghost neighbors. That's not. That can't be true.

[Travis McElroy]

Unless it's programmable. And on each one is a different sound of boo. And you can play like boo, boo.

[Griffin McElroy]

Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. That'd be cool. No, there's no technology that Would allow that trap.

[Travis McElroy]

You're putting a lot of human physical limits on these keys. I think, like, if you're a ghost, you just kind of figure it out, right?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

So can I tell you can. Do you.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want to know more. Yeah, for sure. Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Seven years ago, we purchased a used piano at ca House music in parkersburg, west virginia. Okay, so we are. We are in our home state of west Virginia. If you don't know Parkersburg, it's a lovely place. Real. It's where my friend Bobby was born, if that helps.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know Bob.

[Travis McElroy]

If you know Bob. You know Bob. You know Bob. You know Bob. It's right up there. It's near Ohio. It's real close to Ohio. You don't get up near Ohio.

[Griffin McElroy]

Not a ghost. Ghost country, I call it.

[Travis McElroy]

It's ghost country. It's ghost country up there. North northwest Virginia. Anyway, after having the piano delivered and tuned in our sunroom, we noticed many random, unsettling occurrences. They usually began once everyone went to bed late at night. We would randomly hear one of the keys strike. Immediately after, I would walk in to find no one or nothing in the room. This would also happen with a guitar if it was physically touching the piano. Wait, what? This would also happen with a guitar if it was physically touching the piano. The ghost would spill out. Right? The ghost would, like. So this is like an interesting, like, asterisk on your question about the keys, right? Because if it's able to jump from piano to guitar, if it's able to.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do that, Then what you do is you get a bunch of guitars, Make a pathway connected all the way to the piano, to the front, front door of your house. And once all the ghosts are in the last guitar, you sever the chain. Now you have one haunted guitar instead of 88 haunted piano keys. That's gonna be a lot easier to manage, I think.

[Travis McElroy]

I would stay up late playing the guitar, Lean it against the piano, and shortly after, I would hear the high e string picked one time as if the ghost is going, you were playing the wrong string. This one, this one, or this Santa's. Like, I can do that. Why can't you play me? Just play me, please. After months of this happening A few times a week, I had convinced myself that maybe the strings were installed wrong or it had a weak pin block or a rest plank.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep. That would all make it play itself, for sure.

[Travis McElroy]

And the guitar.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep.

[Travis McElroy]

Yep. I don't know why the assumption is that the piano's haunted, but let's read on. Three months ago, I Began to see things, objects and people in the room. I would get off the couch in the adjoining living room and catch a glimpse of someone watching me from behind the piano. Very creepy. The random key strikes became louder. Before this, they were faint key strikes. Now they were forceful, loud, single notes. Only one. For Christmas, I bought a family member a Ouija board. Their mother did not want it in the house, so I kept it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. When I was young, I think you knew exactly how that was going to play.

[Travis McElroy]

You knew what? You had a plan. When I would come home early in the morning after a night shift, I would walk in the sunroom to take off my boots before going to bed. Four mornings in a row, the Ouija board was lying out on the piano. Nobody would admit to lying it there. So we are to. I guess we're to assume that the piano is getting it out. Yeah. To talk to people. Use it on me. Come on. I have so much stuff to say and I can only speak an A through G. I tried to speak through the guitar, but all I could say was egg, babe. Okay. Okay. Three months ago, I started to see things and objects and people in the room. I would get off the couch in the adjoining living room and catch a glimpse of someone watching me from behind the pian. Very creepy. I looked in the center room to see someone sitting at the piano.

[Griffin McElroy]

Nice.

[Travis McElroy]

I jumped up, snuck in the room. Nobody was there. Thinking I was crazy. I got up, shut the sliding door, and I walked into the kitchen to get a Diet Coke. I walked back to the living room and the door was cracked open. Give a picture of the night back.

[Griffin McElroy]

In the room and the listing. A photo of the Diet Coke.

[Travis McElroy]

See if we have a picture of the offending Coke. Okay. That was it. Okay. Oh, no, no, no. Theaters created. I slide the door and then I walked to the kitchen to get a Diet Coke. Walked back to the living room, and the door was cracked open. I then walked back into the room and something pushed my shoulder and grunted. That was it. For the next eight hours, I tore the piano apart and threw it outside in my scrap pile for the dump. Yes. So that is what. Let's see. Yeah. This is what you can see here.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is the scrap pile for the dump. Yeah. That's great.

[Travis McElroy]

There's a big pile of piano for the dump. There is the piano keys all torn up. And you can buy one of these guys. Eight hours. I read online it's not that big of a piano. Eight hours, it's not that big of a piano. That is. Yeah. Eight Hours. I read online that bringing a haunted or spirit attached item into a home, often via antique shops for secondhand purchases, can introduce paranormal activity. Yeah. Including unexplainable noises. Especially if it's a copy of Paranormal Activity on dvd. That's true.

[Griffin McElroy]

Ironically. Very haunted.

[Travis McElroy]

Very quickly, days ago, I went out to the scrap pile and found a dead stray cat lying next to the cast iron frame of the piano. The piano did it.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know if the piano would.

[Travis McElroy]

No, listen. No, listen, guys. It wanted to string a violin. Listen. Days ago, I went out to the scrap pile and found a dead stray cat lying next to the cast iron frame of the piano. It looked like it had frozen to death in the winter storm. I find it hard to believe it had nothing to do with the haunted piano. I mean, you do? I mean, I mean, it was pretty cold. The pics posted the piano and the door that would randomly be open or closed on its own. The door weighs around 100 pounds. It cannot slide open on its own. If you give this as a gift, I strongly suggest your permission.

[Griffin McElroy]

Your door is £100.

[Travis McElroy]

It's made of piano. Everything in the house is made of piano. Even the guitar. I just wanted to say this seller. A lot of times when you read these, you get the sense that it's somebody who's like, done a lot of them. This is not that. This is a person who. I sincerely believe this entire story is accurate. Why do I believe that? Well, I clicked on their profile picture of the other items that they sell. Are you guys ready?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

For a real. Okay, so if you. I'm just gonna kinda wait. Before you click on it, can I point out my favorite thing about this entire listing?

[Griffin McElroy]

What is it, Travis?

[Travis McElroy]

Sure.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

It's that if you buy one key, it's $19.99 each, but. Oh, boy, oh boy, have we got a deal for you. If you buy four or more of these things, you're gonna save $5. It's only $15.99 a key. These things are selling themselves and playing themselves. Come on down and buy these keys.

[Griffin McElroy]

We are looking to make over $1,400 on this. On this one project. That's exciting for me as an investor.

[Travis McElroy]

It's a very good idea and I hope it works out for them. So let's take a look.

[Griffin McElroy]

What else do we got?

[Travis McElroy]

Share this tab. Okay. Can you see?

[Griffin McElroy]

Uh huh.

[Travis McElroy]

All right, so guys, let's. We're not gonna. I don't. I don't go down for these gendered categories, so let's just start looking at individual items. So what's the first? You started the first time. Then you guys can just like kind of take turns describing what you said.

[Griffin McElroy]

Bowser's Bowsers, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

So it is locked in. Haunted item. Piano key. Paranormal, unexplained shows. Okay, so the haunted item is there. What else we got?

[Griffin McElroy]

We also have a lot of four Tom and Jerry Looney Tunes Welsh's jelly glasses. Year 1990 to 1994. That's 25 bucks.

[Travis McElroy]

That's actually classic.

[Griffin McElroy]

Pretty fucking good if those are available.

[Travis McElroy]

I remember us having those. What else we got, Trav? Ballistic armor kit. One neck collar, one groin protector, one throat protector.

[Griffin McElroy]

As long as you protect your neck and your groin and your throat, that should be good. Small red apple trinket box. Slash hinged magnetic lock. Jewelry box, keepsakes.

[Travis McElroy]

Alan Jackson Greatest Hits, Volume 2 cassette tape, brand new, sealed.

[Griffin McElroy]

Ten bucks. For the Alan Jackson. We got a Disney High School Musical jersey.

[Travis McElroy]

Size large, sure fit, loveseat stretch, slick cover. Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

We got a charcoal smoker box, stainless steel, 9 by 4.

[Travis McElroy]

Travis. Vintage hyper Freak Show Fat Boys. The inline skate wheels.

[Griffin McElroy]

These are vintage Hyper Freak show fat boys wheels. A 511 men's tactical jacket, medium light gray fleece lined front zip pockets.

[Travis McElroy]

Travis. Well then we got. What is that? A 511 men's tactical jacket. Immediately, I just did that. Oh, you lost interest, didn't you, Travis? Fox mini dress, jeweled pewter trinket box, wildlife decor, small jewelry box.

[Griffin McElroy]

Got a single currid pod drip tray. This person really. That's a lot of different kinds of stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

It's a lot of different kinds of stuff. So I think I believe this story. I believe in this haunted piano. And here's all I'll say. I'm not buying any of these, but you could pick them up for 20 bucks a pop. So I would love it as soon as. Or 15.99 if you get in both.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or 15.99 if you want to get.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, buy in both.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

I just think it's really sad, this story of a stray cat that used to sneak into this woman's house or this person's house. I don't know. They used to sneak into this person's house, walk on the keys, and then when the stray cat saw that the piano was dead, notebooked itself right next to the piano and said, I too shall die with you. Yeah, I think that's beautiful. Plucked the high E string on the guitar. How about another question? Recently my landlady stopped by to assess A problem I have with my washing machine. While making casual conversation, she mentioned that she's in massage school and is required to give free massages to family and friends for her certification. I desperately want a massage after shoveling snow from the recent storm and because of recent work stress. But my partner thinks it's weird to get one from our landlady brothers. Is that weird? If not, how do I go about asking her if she's willing to give me a massage? That's from stressed in Silver Spring.

[Griffin McElroy]

God, I feel you. Update. Yeah, update. All the hardware stores in D.C. are sold out of everything anyone could ever conceivably use to combat snow. So I was not able to acquire a pickaxe. Instead, my attention was drawn by the employees at the hardware stores to just get a big claw hammer and you can smash the ice. So that's me, my front yard for, like, 45 minutes yesterday, smashing ice up apart with the backside of a claw hammer on my hands and knees.

[Travis McElroy]

Feel good?

[Griffin McElroy]

Like a. Like a real doofus. It doesn't look cool. It doesn't feel cool. It feels bad on the body. So I sympathize very much with you, friend in Silver Spring. That said, I don't know if you can ask your. I don't know if you can ask your landlord for a massage.

[Travis McElroy]

I think you missed the window for it to be casual.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, if the moment when the. I've been thinking about it. Yeah. If the moment the landlady had said, like, I gotta give massages, you know, to practice. And he said, oh, I'd love that, man. I've been. Right then, naturally, right then is part of it. It's great if later you're like, sign me up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I don't wanna. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but.

[Travis McElroy]

How the fuck are you gonna do that kind of calculation on the fly? I can't do that kind of fucking mental math.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, you'd have to be a fundamental guy.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't have a beautiful mind. I can't. Like, you'd have to be all these guys, fractals. You know what I mean? I can't do that. You just gotta hone your brain, Justin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hone your brain.

[Travis McElroy]

Just hone your brain.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hone your brain and ditch your shame, bro.

[Travis McElroy]

I just. The answer is to speak before you think. That's what I do. And it worked out great. Yeah, but no, I mean, we have equal numbers of questions. Being like, brothers, why did I say this? What the fuck is wrong with me?

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Why did I Run my big stupid ass mouth. It's not great, but occasionally I get free massages. I don't know what to tell you. Travis has had a lot more massages than I have. Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's true. Yeah, I mean, Empirical, he figured it. Figured it out. I feel like I don't want to do anything to push any kind of stigma on massage therapists and their craft bodywork. I think it's all wonderful. My hang up is that it's your landlord. And to me, that is a orange juice and pizza kind of combination. I feel like it introduces a social dynamic that I don't think anyone is really capable of unpacking and processing.

[Travis McElroy]

There's a deeper level here that is. The reason I would say no is I don't want to be somebody's practice person for things like this. There's a reason they said friends and family, because those people are fine with it not being great right away. You got to practice. Yeah, but, like, if you need a massage, then pay for one. Yeah, then pay for one. If the landlord gets in there and you're like, this is nothing, or it's like, well, it's worse. You think it could be worse? I guess it could be. Right. I mean, if you could make it better. There's gotta be some bad rubbing. Yeah, right, Right. I guess I'm gonna try twisting this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Ow. No.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Is that a good ow or a bad ow? I don't know.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm. Try bopping it. No, don't bop it. I'm gonna flick it. Don't flick it. What do I do? Rub it. That wasn't part of the game. It's hard because your body sends you pain messages to tell you to punch. And if you tell it like, no body, this is good for you. And you don't know that, your body may not trust you anymore. What if you're wrong and it's actually bad for your body? Your body will be so betrayed.

[Griffin McElroy]

Was that the fucking Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique? Don't do that. On me back.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, don't do that. Why'd you do that? My heart's a bit.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, I got five steps, though. That's my loophole.

[Travis McElroy]

Would you carry me out to my car?

[Griffin McElroy]

Carry me out to my car.

[Travis McElroy]

Put me in the trunk.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, you missed your window. Sorry.

[Travis McElroy]

Sorry.

[Griffin McElroy]

We can't help. We can't help with a lot of these. We can't help with this one.

[Travis McElroy]

But, yeah, that's tough. And that's hard for us. Honestly, that Feels good. You're wrong. Like, it's tough to. Nobody ever talks about how hard it is on us to not to not do it. Yeah, we'd love to be helpful. It's just not. It didn't come together this time.

[Griffin McElroy]

But check this out. Check this out. The reluctance that got you into this situation also, I want you to recognize serves you well in a lot of other situations. You're not jumping into the thick of it and just saying, you know, I'll take a massage, thank you. Without thinking about it first. That behavior also, I think is gonna. It'll pay off in the long run.

[Travis McElroy]

Pay off in the long run. It's a lifestyle change.

[Griffin McElroy]

You took the L this time. You took the L. Don't change your lifestyle.

[Travis McElroy]

You'll get them next time, okay?

[Griffin McElroy]

Or you won't. But it's about the long game.

[Travis McElroy]

It's a long. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. I want to tell you about some new stuff in our merchandise store. If you head on over to mcelroymerch.com we've got a. It's a good day for a fish dye hat. And there's a Miggy hoodie designed by Bren Daugherty. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month are gonna be donated to the Immigrant Law center of Minnesota, which provides free immigration and legal representation to low income immigrants and refugees in Minnesota and North Dakota.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, we got some projects we're doing on YouTube, first of all.

[Travis McElroy]

Dark projects.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, they're cool projects. Pretty much every Tuesday at noon we play video games together. We just started playing RV there yet, which is a real silly one. Had a lot of fun doing that one the last Tuesday of every month. We're also doing McElroy family clubhouse, that old chestnut. And then also throughout the week, we're doing solo streams of us playing games. Justin's been playing the Steven Spielberg movie director game on the. What system is that?

[Travis McElroy]

Steven Spielberg's film director game. The game Steven Spielberg's movie Genius.

[Griffin McElroy]

Travis does ADHD Detective plays mystery games. I do Trial by Fieri, doing a one hit randomizer of Majora's Mask on Friday. So just go follow McElroy Entertainment System on Instagram and you'll be updated anytime we do any of our gaming content.

[Travis McElroy]

We also have [e-mail], we got three packages left that's coming up in May. Come hang out at a castle in Hocking Hills, Ohio. Play games with cool people, talented guests like Christina Arielle, and Hayley Whipjack and a bunch of other folks. Check it [e-mail] we'll see you there.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey. It's almost one month to the day. Also until my choose your own adventure book, the Stowaway comes out.

[Travis McElroy]

Whoa.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can pre order it now. And in fact, I would hugely appreciate it if you would take a moment to do it. It's 10 bucks. 10 buck paperback.

[Travis McElroy]

Come on.

[Griffin McElroy]

Come on. And it's a fun story and it's age appropriate for younger readers, which is not something not usually a color we paint with. It's not on our palette often. Is it my turn to throw something bit ly griffinstilaways. You can go and pre order that comes out March 10th and go ahead.

[Travis McElroy]

I was gonna try to throw this plastic thing because. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is an SD card holder. I thought maybe it's got little hooks on it. So I thought maybe.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is that your crystal gem?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, that's my crystal gem. I thought maybe if I threw it at the acoustic foam, it might like stick to it. It's not gonna make it be secure.

[Griffin McElroy]

The sound won't really hum it. Stand up. Don't throw sitting. Can we promise each other to never throw sitting down? I'm that shit.

[Travis McElroy]

My name is justin mcelroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

It didn't stick. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm travis mcelroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm griffin mcelroy.

[Travis McElroy]

This has been my brother. My brother. We kiss your dad square on the lips. It's better. It's better with you. Is it's better. It's better with you.

[Griffin McElroy]

My life.

[Travis McElroy]

Better with you. Maximum fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

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