MBMBaM 802: Assassinating the Moon Queen

Summary

My Brother, My Brother And Me #802: Assassinating the Moon Queen

Release Date: February 23, 2026
Hosts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy

---

Episode Overview

In this episode, the McElroy brothers dive into the absurdities of casting for a (fake) live-action Legend of Zelda movie, give questionable advice about Pokémon card politics among teachers and students, celebrate and roast the contrabassoon, and offer characteristically unhelpful suggestions for handling extensive bean-induced flatulence in a marriage. The show is as always laced with their irreverent humor, sibling ribbing, pop culture riffs, and a streak of delirious improvisation.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Zelda Movie Auditions: Wild Casting Improv

[01:10 – 07:01]

• Griffin launches the episode pretending to audition for the role of Link, following jokey advice from "Joel." He details his (imagined) self-tape, including misdelivered character background and forearm Triforce tattoo enthusiasm.

• Classic Bit: Travis insists the protagonist’s name is Zelda, not Link, initiating the “classic chestnut” running gag.

• The brothers riff on self-tapes for various Zelda characters—Link, Ganon, and the fan-favorite Tingle, each doing in-character improv.

• Memorable Quote:

  • Griffin: “Wouldn’t it be cool if Link had a tattoo of the Triforce on it? … I just hope I’m very enthusiastic about the project.” [01:26]

• Tingle Wars:

  • The trio agree that none of them truly wants to perform the wire work required for Tingle, and Griffin laments what becoming Tingle would mean for his career (mostly positive).
  • Travis aspires instead to play a “big busty fairy,” leading to an in-depth (and very irreverent) analysis of the great fairies’ exaggerated design in Ocarina of Time.

• Gannon Jr. Joke:

  • Travis: “Could you be Gannon Jr.? Like, if they decided Gannon had a son in this one?” [05:35]

• Sharp Fairy Analysis:

  • Griffin: “Diamond tipped fucking size triple J bazungas, dude. And someone was like, wait, what are you—what?” [07:31]
  • All three spiral into a mockumentary pitch about the development of the great fairies’ design.

Music School Support & Contrabassoon Deep-Dive

[18:31 – 28:44]

• Advice question from a music student about how to compliment fellow musicians without disrupting practice.
  • Suggestions include instant, positive vocal affirmations (“Now you’re cooking, baby.”) and the prospect of a Phantom of the Opera–style mysterious thumbs-up through the window.
• Phantom Bit:
  • “He only appears to the most talented. Only the most talented amongst us.” – Justin [22:13]
  • “Leave little notes signed from the Angel of Music: ‘That was a sick trabonga sando, The Angel of Music.’” – Travis [22:20]
• Contrabassoon Mayhem:
  • The episode’s title emerges from a long and hilarious sequence involving watching (and listening to) shocking YouTube contrabassoon performances.
  • Griffin: “He looks like he’s about to assassinate the moon queen.” [27:53]
  • Wild speculation about bassoon family reproduction: “When two saxophones love each other very much… a bassoon pops out.” [25:07]

School Pokémon Card Politics

[12:15 – 17:48]

• A teacher asks how to request a Pokémon card from a student without seeming ungrateful.
• The brothers analyze the delicate etiquette:
  • Griffin suggests subtle hints, e.g. referencing Pokémon in conversation or classroom scenarios.
  • Justin: “You can hear it, right? You can hear it…” [13:36], cautioning against being too direct.
• Discussion of Pokémon cards as generational currency:
  • “It’s like this secondary currency that has arisen and fallen alongside the USD.” – Justin [16:41]
• Tangents abound about Jake Paul randomly deciding the values of everyday objects (“These six old Disney Magic Bands are all worth $100 million now.” – Griffin, [17:58]).

Beans, Marriage, and Flatulence: Domestic Dilemmas

[44:24 – 51:41]

• Listener question: “What do I do with 10 lbs of beans, since they’re ruining my marriage with sleep-farts?”
• The Bros provide everything except practical help:
  • “Why are you up huffing farts?” – Griffin [45:11]
  • “One bite of beans a day till they’re all gone. Microdose.” – Travis [45:50]
  • Endlessly riffing on Beano, fart-timing, and absurdist ideas (e.g., “spoon for spoon” bean endurance with your spouse, setting fart timers, or just “swallowing beans like pills”).
• “I woke up to the blanket floating six inches above the bed.” – Griffin [45:34]
• “It was a bean walk… I traveled for weeks just farting and eating beans.” – Justin’s adventure tale [47:30]

Fast Food and Lenten Seafood Menus

[37:13 – 44:16]

• Dissection of fast food outlets’ Lenten seafood menus:
  • “I don’t think Jesus meant for you to have seafood feast Friday just to make it…” – Griffin [38:22]
  • The trio roast press release language for Smashburger’s new shrimp lineup, roleplaying as both Smashburger execs and Christ himself, culminating in:
    • “I wanted to get a burger at Smashburger. Instead, I’m eating a scorching shrimp basket.” – Justin [42:42]
    • “Listen, Griffin, it’s called Good Friday, not Great Friday.” – Justin [44:13]

Other Notable Moments & Running Bits

• Josh Gad Recurring Gag:
  Discussion of Josh Gad playing Epona (“It’s me, Josh Gad. I don’t know about this, little Link.” – Travis [11:15]).
• Skin Puppy/Skin Dog Bit:
  – “Is it okay to call a baby like a skin dog?” – Griffin [31:32]
  Followed by domain registration antics and various shades of horror.
• Routine End-of-Episode Promotion:
  • Upcoming merchandise, livestreams, Griffin’s Choose Your Own Adventure book (“The Stowaway”), and charitable donations plugged with signature chaotic energy.

---

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps & Attribution)

• “Wouldn’t it be cool if Link had a tattoo of the Triforce on it? … I hope I’m very enthusiastic about the project.”
  — Griffin, [01:26]

• “Diamond tipped fucking size triple J bazungas, dude.”
  — Griffin, [07:31]

• “He looks like he’s about to assassinate the moon queen.”
  — Griffin, [27:53] (Title Drop)

• “I woke up to the blanket floating six inches above the bed.”
  — Griffin, [45:34]

• “Listen, Griffin, it’s called Good Friday, not Great Friday.”
  — Justin, [44:13]

• “One bite of beans a day till they’re all gone. Microdose.”
  — Travis, [45:50]

• “He only appears to the most talented. Only the most talented amongst us. I’ve seen xivanthem.”
  — Justin, [22:13]

• “When two saxophones love each other very much... then a bassoon comes out.”
  — Griffin, [25:15]

---

Useful Timestamps

• [01:10 – 07:01] — Zelda movie audition bit, Tingle, Great Fairy riffing
• [12:15 – 17:48] — Pokémon cards at school, generational value currency
• [18:31 – 28:44] — Music school advice, contrabassoon chaos (title origin)
• [37:13 – 44:16] — Lenten seafood fast food menu, imaginary Jesus roleplay
• [44:24 – 51:41] — Beans/farting in marriage, Beano, bean-based problem solving

---

Tone & Style

• Language & Tone: Highly irreverent, playful, and peppered with elaborate in-jokes, tangents, and absurd hypotheticals. The brothers riff and escalate bits in classic MBMBaM style, balancing feigned ignorance with deep pop-culture nerdery.

---

Summary

This episode blends deeply silly improv—anchored by their Zelda movie casting fever dream and "assassinating the moon queen" with a contrabassoon—with relatable (if ridiculous) advice segments on Pokémon cards, embarrassingly loud beans, and unsolicited critiques of the fast food Lent economy. The McElroy brothers deploy their signature chemistry and improvisational energy to make both high- and low-brow subject matter sound like an inside joke you’re happy to be part of—even if you’re not sure which brother is the “heater” this week.

---

For maximum effect, listen during your next bean walk or while contemplating your secret Tingle audition.

Transcript

[Narrator/Announcer]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up you cool baby?

[Song Vocalist]

It's the start of something beautiful A

[Griffin McElroy]

small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into

[Song Vocalist]

a precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life It feels like life is. Ah. It's better it's better with you My life is. It's better, it's better with you this is true it's better it's better with two.

[Travis McElroy]

Hello everybody.

[Justin McElroy]

Welcome to my brother, my brother and me in the device show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What's up Trav nation? It's me, your middlest brother Travis. Big dog.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wolf.

[Travis McElroy]

Wolf. Vroom vroom. The heater McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hi, I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm 38, 5 foot 10. I live in D.C. but I'm willing to commute for a long term project and this is my self tape. Thank you.

Yeah. Yay.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh for adult film.

[Griffin McElroy]

Those are the only sides that were provided to me by Nintendo and I don't know, I just hope, I hope I'm very enthusiastic about the project and I'm pointing at my tattoo right now so just something to. Just something to keep in mind. I have the tattoo. Wouldn't it be cool if Link had a tattoo of the Triforce on it? Probably gonna do that anyway.

[Travis McElroy]

That would be applicable.

[Griffin McElroy]

I already got the things.

[Travis McElroy]

So this is for the Zelda movie?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, this is my. We were told by Joel and I'm starting to realize now cause you guys didn't do it that maybe it's one of Joel's classic pranks that he likes to play on us where he was like record some self tapes. You're gonna be Link. I think you're a shoe. He said I think you're a shoo in. And I said I'm 38. Don't you think that's a little bit old for boy hero of Link? And he said no no, no, trust me, they'll love it. And so I. I feel like a fucking asshole right now cause you guys looked at me for a space alien.

[Travis McElroy]

I think the confusion is I'm pretty sure the boy hero of the Zelda Games is named Zelda.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, he's gonna do.

[Griffin McElroy]

He's gonna do that bit. That old chestnut.

[Travis McElroy]

So if you want, I could try. I have two characters here that I could try for it.

[Griffin McElroy]

From Zelda.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, you got some Zelda.

[Griffin McElroy]

Listen, listen. Yeah, listen, listen.

[Travis McElroy]

That's some options.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, no options. That's interesting for an audition.

[Justin McElroy]

I feel like you should have one vision of the character and really commit

[Griffin McElroy]

to it and really commit to so

[Justin McElroy]

many visions that could be.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, here's another one. This is a character that I was told is a small but pivotal role in the film.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

Oh, man. My warehouse full of jars.

Yeah.

[Song Vocalist]

What happened?

[Griffin McElroy]

Jars, man.

Oh, my jars.

That would be funny.

He had my grandmother's ashes in them.

Yeah. What if that did happen, though? He's smashing up shit in Hyrule Town, and, like, just a bunch of dust comes out, and he just makes silent eye contact with the owner of the house. Like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

[Travis McElroy]

There's one last jar to smash. That one on the mantel.

[Justin McElroy]

Beating heart on the ground. And he picks it up and eats it straight. Blood all over his face.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why is it rated M? There's one jar and he cusses a lot. When he breaks it, it's really wild. I do. I don't know why that's in there.

[Justin McElroy]

I have a problem with the Zelda. The Link casting, specifically where my problem is. I keep trying to read the name of the cat that's playing Link, but I get so tired. What do you mean through the name?

[Travis McElroy]

I haven't been cast.

[Griffin McElroy]

Joel said they haven't casted anyone yet and that it's all still.

[Justin McElroy]

So the two.

[Griffin McElroy]

He said wide open.

[Justin McElroy]

Maybe the other ones are wide open. And I want to let you read for the other ones, but unfortunately, Link has been already taken by Benjamin Evans.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, now he fell asleep.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, now he fell asleep saying the name. That's so rude.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin. Justin, come back.

[Justin McElroy]

Come on. I could try it. There's just so many soothing vowels. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Sure, I can. Okay. Benjamin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Evan.

[Justin McElroy]

No, no.

[Griffin McElroy]

There he goes.

[Justin McElroy]

Justin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesse, fall asleep again. Juicer. I have a reading for you, buddy.

[Justin McElroy]

Wake up. Sorry, guys. It's the painkillers from the carpal tunnel release. I'm, like, way sleepy all the time. Anytime I try to read the name of the guy who's playing Link, which is Benjamin Evan Ainsworth.

[Griffin McElroy]

Benjamin Evan Ainsworth. Okay, that's cool. Is it three names? Like a assassin.

[Travis McElroy]

It's actually all one name. Whoa.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right, guys.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin, could you give us A Gannon.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's it?

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, I don't. I don't think Justin's got Gannon energy.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh. I mean, I'm no Matt Mercer, but

[Travis McElroy]

that's a good point.

[Griffin McElroy]

We actually can't audition for that one because we know Gannon. You know what I mean? We know Gannon. Son, we had.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, listen, I sat down to a nice meal with Gannon.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gannon took us out to a nice la dinner one time. It was excellent.

[Travis McElroy]

Could you be Gannon Jr. Like, if they decided Gannon had a son in this one?

[Griffin McElroy]

Gannon Dorf is Gannon Jr. A lot of people are confused because it looks like he turns into them.

[Justin McElroy]

He's Gannon on his knees with, like,

[Griffin McElroy]

sneakers of his knees.

[Justin McElroy]

And it's shorter. It's not. It's not very tasteful.

[Griffin McElroy]

Justin, can you give me. I mean, there's a role that I think the three of us could tackle. And, in fact, I think once I say it, I might ruin our entire dynamic. Because the three of us will be so desperate to get this role, we'll do anything to get it. Backstab, betrayal, slander, and that's Tingle. I think one of the three of us has Tingle. The old nasty link. Old nasty flying link. Tingle. Him. I think that's a good.

[Justin McElroy]

Let me hear your. Let me hear your. Let me hear your Tingle.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gruel and power Tingle.

So. Something like that.

[Travis McElroy]

Really good.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thanks. Yeah. Yeah, thanks. I've been playing Majora's mask. So, like, I interface with Tingle on a dye.

[Travis McElroy]

I want you to have it.

[Griffin McElroy]

You don't want Tingle.

[Travis McElroy]

No, you earned.

[Justin McElroy]

You don't want tingle.

[Griffin McElroy]

You realize wire is gonna do wire stuff?

[Travis McElroy]

Just the wire work.

[Justin McElroy]

He doesn't want to do the wire work.

[Travis McElroy]

You're scared of the wire work. I'm very afraid of the wire work.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't act like. If fucking Shigeru Miyamoto rang your doorbell and was like, travis, we want you to be Tingle, you would say, griffin can have it. That's crazy. Do you realize what this is gonna mean for my career? I'm gonna.

[Travis McElroy]

I would like to play one of the big busty fairies.

[Griffin McElroy]

No one's ever really talked about this before, and I would love it if this could be. Could this be a safe space? I get uncomfortable talking about sometimes sensitive, maybe trending erotic issues with you guys because you're my brothers, and that's yucky. But no one's really ever broken. No one's broken down the fact that in Ocarina of Time, they said, okay, we're taking this franchise to the next level. 3D. It's like, that's great. What's Octoroks gonna look like? 3D. Octorox. Awesome. I love that. What about a like. Like, yeah, we're gonna take the design of the 2D. Like, like, and we're gonna make it three dimensional. And then they're like, okay. Awesome. There are these fairies that float over small ponds. And when you go see them, they refill your health. And they're like, yeah, let's give them giganzo bazangas that are gonna be sharp. Sharp enough to cut through concrete. Diamond tipped fucking size triple J bazungas, dude. And someone was like, wait, what are you. What?

Okay, but you're shooting. They're like, I've already got eight stitches.

[Travis McElroy]

They're like, tastefully suggested kind of off frame. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. These things are dead center. Cannot miss.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fishnet onesie, miniskirt, Crop top size Z bazonches. And we're gonna have them be sharp and pointy. She's gonna do nothing but scream.

Bird's eye view. She comes out to flower.

[Travis McElroy]

Bazonka's a jumping but having a great time.

[Justin McElroy]

If a fairy. If the fairies end up that gigantic with the boobs that sharp, someone in the chain of command is difficult to work with.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

Someone is difficult to have conversations with.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, don't bring it up.

[Justin McElroy]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Travis McElroy]

I know, I know, I know, I know.

[Justin McElroy]

The fairy. The giant fairies of the bazooka.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't.

Yeah, it's your whole. Today cuckoos 2D to 3D.

That's a cuckoo fucking. What are these little spider guys?

2D, 3D.

Great. Love it. Just with this one set, just wild and wild.

[Travis McElroy]

Somebody at Nintendo at that time was a real giant honker fairy hardliner who was like, guys, I will die on this hill. I will take the code down with me. I will set fire to the servers if you try to cut these fairies.

[Justin McElroy]

At some point, someone said to an artist, like, and just think about how a fairy is going to make the transition from 2D to 3D. The artist is like. So it's kind of like women. Adult Robin Williams kisses little Julia Roberts and she gets gigantic with huge bazungas.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's like, wait, no. Why are you drawing already? Stop.

[Travis McElroy]

Put your fingers on. I actually have a portfolio ready to go. Dave, not again.

[Justin McElroy]

I have a mechanical hard drive loaded with many images that I'd love to

[Travis McElroy]

share with you and three backups just in case.

[Griffin McElroy]

Whoa.

It's in the clouds, sir.

There's nothing wrong with the great fairies having huge sharp basanjos. But I am saying there is a story there. There's a behind the scenes story of one creator's passion that we will never get.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, not with that attitude. Coming to Sundance this year, our in depth documentary exploring how we got to this point from the McRoy Brothers.

[Justin McElroy]

I could do a Midna. Midna's just gotta be kinda nasty and mean like, ah, Link, you look great.

[Griffin McElroy]

Your ass stinks.

[Justin McElroy]

That kind of like.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that was cool. Yeah, sure.

[Justin McElroy]

More like comic relief.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that. I like that a lot. Juice.

Your feet look like bananas. Yeah, Nice.

That's awesome.

Why are you rolling? Which one of you is Link?

Why do you roll all the time? Stop yelling.

You should see my aunt's bazangas. They're gigantic. My aunt is a fairy.

[Justin McElroy]

Midna's aunt is a fairy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Canonically is not a fairy. Mind is from the Twilight realm.

[Travis McElroy]

I want to be Epona.

[Griffin McElroy]

Different thing.

[Justin McElroy]

What?

[Travis McElroy]

I want to be Epona. And this one, Epona talks.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, you should have Epona talk.

[Travis McElroy]

Give Link a sidekick that talks. Talking.

[Justin McElroy]

What would Epona's vibe be, do you think?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't remember this one Link.

Oh, that's cool. Yeah, Comic relief. Epona, I didn't even consider, but someone like, looks like you got me into another fine mess. Little Link.

[Travis McElroy]

It's me, Josh Gad. I don't know about this little link.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're trying to get fucking points.

[Travis McElroy]

No, it's me playing Josh Gad as Epona Gad.

[Justin McElroy]

Josh Gad is now at a point. I watched Wonder man on Travis's suggestion. Great suggestion. Josh Gad is now at a point where not only does Josh Gad get to play all the roles that he plays, he. He's also just like getting to play fictionalized versions of Josh Gad.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, nice work if you can get it.

Josh, you made it. At that point, I think me and I made it.

[Travis McElroy]

Wild about it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, Gad is what they'd be called. Let's start the program. We're long overdue.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, I'm happy to be talking to you. Together we'll do it once again.

[Travis McElroy]

Make sure not to laugh. Cause that is a sin.

[Justin McElroy]

That's right. That's the new energy.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the new theme song. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Very puritanical. No enjoyment here.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm a middle school teacher and recently one of my students was passing out Valentine's day cards she had made for some of her friends and her teachers as she Looked through the stack to find the one she had made for me. I noticed that some of her cards had Pokemon cards sticking out of them. I did not get a Pokemon card. But now I really want to know what card she would have picked for me. Brothers, how do I tell this student I would like to receive a Pokemon card without coming across as ungrateful to a child that's from seeking Pokemon in Poughkeepsie?

[Griffin McElroy]

Have you let slip. And you can take some advice from me on this pretty directly. Have you let slip subtle clues that maybe you are a Pokemaniac on the dlc? Just dropping, like, little hints here and there. Just like.

[Travis McElroy]

Like what?

[Griffin McElroy]

Pointing out a kid's shirt and be like, oh, onyx. Great. Like, little stuff. Like, little stuff to let people know. Like, hey, I'm. I'm actually. I'm into this stuff. Don't be too obvious.

[Travis McElroy]

If you have five Pikachu's and two faint, how many Pikachu's do you have left to battle?

[Griffin McElroy]

Still five. I'll get those two. I'll get those two fucking going again. Don't even worry about it, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

In the middle of the fight.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, dude. Revive Max Revival. Get those bad boys right back in there. There's no. There is no rest on my bench. I have no bench. It's right back out there, pal.

[Justin McElroy]

Your kids school's doing the Valentine's Day card exchange thing.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. It's a wild.

[Justin McElroy]

It's an absolutely unhinged, unforced error.

[Griffin McElroy]

Unforced error.

[Justin McElroy]

Unforced error. Like, so unnecessary. Like, why do we need the pressure? One of the girls teachers this year said, don't write names on them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Awesome. So you don't.

[Justin McElroy]

Don't even personalize. Like, you write your name in there, right, but you cannot even personalize. I want an unpersonalized stack of paper with your name on the inside. And you just pick the ip.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

That's all you're basically saying is, like, I endorse the Turtles.

[Travis McElroy]

This year the girls got like these little airheads candies with the to and from spots on the wrappers. And we're like, this is great. We'll do it.

[Justin McElroy]

Impossible to write on.

[Travis McElroy]

And then I started writing on it wouldn't happen.

[Song Vocalist]

And.

[Travis McElroy]

And this guy, national merit scholar Travis McWright, started looking at the airheads package to see if it came with instructions of what kind of pencil to use. It didn't, so I ended up writing all their names on it because my children are still learning handwriting. They're 9 and 6. They're not ready for the black diamond slope that is writing on airheads.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it's hard.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. They had Haribo, like, gummy bear packets with to and from on it. You can't write on what.

[Griffin McElroy]

What the fuck am I supposed to write on?

[Justin McElroy]

How am I gonna write Dyson? How am I supposed to write Dyson on a package of Haribo gummies? Impossible.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can you just say, I'd like a. Hey, I think this could bring you to. If I was a kid and I was into Pokemon, that's basically how it was. So if. When I was a kid.

[Travis McElroy]

When you were a kid.

[Griffin McElroy]

If. When I was a child. If.

[Justin McElroy]

Then.

[Griffin McElroy]

Then a teacher came up to me and was like, hey, I'm also super into Pokemon. No, you can't fucking do that. Huh? Yeah, I also like Pokemon. Check out my card.

[Justin McElroy]

What card? Do you think I spied you passing out some Pokemon cards?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Notice I didn't. You didn't grace my palm.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

With anything. Any duckets.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think there's a way to do that and just say, like, you know, I'm also into Pokemon. What Pokemon do you think I'd be? Is that too much?

[Justin McElroy]

But, like, you hear it, right? You can hear it. You can hear it.

[Travis McElroy]

I think that would be a fun to say. Like, if everybody gets this score on this test, you're all allowed to anonymously write on this card, what Pokemon you think I would be. The kids would eat. It says here shit eater.

[Griffin McElroy]

Who wrote shit eater?

[Travis McElroy]

This is what I'm saying. Meaning you're gonna get some problematic responses.

[Justin McElroy]

You're talking about an interesting phenomenon that I have noticed, though, where Pokemon card trading has been now a thing or a concept for so long.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right.

[Justin McElroy]

It is basically past a generation to where you will hear people have conversations about Pokemon cards as sources of stored value. It's almost become like an intergenerational sort of exchange where, like, we all kind of know what Pokemon cards are worth. There's like the span of 20 years where, like, we can kind of agree on the worth of that. Yeah. And you can. You can see that continue to evolve. It's like this secondary currency that has arisen and fallen alongside the USD.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. I have a sort of opposite investment portfolio, which is a website I've saved, tracking the value of the entire original series of Pokemon cards and how much they're worth now. Because I definitely fucking had those at some point and. But then I did, like, sell them in, I don't know, 2005 for a gaming PC market. And so now when I Look at that. It's like opposite of how much I've like lost how much, not how much I've gained. Which is what a lot of people do when they trade the markets. But how sort of how bummed out I should be. Oh, I don't need a lot more sources of stuff like that, but it's nice to have a kind of numerical

[Justin McElroy]

value that can count on and it

[Griffin McElroy]

really makes me pay attention to not giving away things. Now that may be worth a fucking lot of money sometimes.

[Justin McElroy]

Can we maintain more of a selfishness

[Griffin McElroy]

in your day to day selfishness? Yes.

Agreed.

Every nothing brings me joy in my house, but a lot of things bring me anxiety that if I got rid of them then the next day Jake Paul will be like this is worth $100 million actually. And I'd be like God damn it man.

[Travis McElroy]

This is a crazy show with Jake and Logan Paul just declaring randomly what they think things are worth. I've been pitching this show for 30 years.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey guys, Jake Paul here. And I'm here to announce that these six old Disney magic bands are all worth $100 million now. So I hope no one got rid of those yesterday. Griffin. Fuck.

[Justin McElroy]

Jake Paul here. Jake Paul. This is my Easy Bake Oven. I had it since I was a kid. He just rips it apart. His bare hands and bitcoins fall out of it. Yeah, that's where they've been the whole time.

[Travis McElroy]

You're wild.

[Justin McElroy]

Bitcoins in there.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is worth nothing. I broke it. Every other Easy Bake Oven is now worth a billion dollars. I am a genie named Jake Paul and I will curse you.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm a first year college student at a music conservatory. We have a dedicated building for practice rooms and the walls happen to be not too noise insulated. As I travel up and down the floors, you'll hear a loud trombone glissando or a virtuoso piano concerto. Sorry, I messed up. Piano. Why piano?

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't know. They snuck it in there between two words.

[Travis McElroy]

Piano, piano.

[Justin McElroy]

Pianissimo. How do I. That's what I meant. Yes. I meant piano concerto volume.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

How do I let these people know what they did was sick? Every door has a little window. So I was thinking of giving them a thumbs up. However, I want to be mindful of their practice time and focus. Do I leave them a little note? Maybe paper airplane it in through the open practice window? That sounds like more of a distraction. I like people editing themselves as they talk. I should delete that sentence now. I'm too Far brothers, what do I do? That's from spreading support in Cincinnati.

[Travis McElroy]

Listen, as someone who played trombone in middle school, I think I can speak with confidence when I say the two examples you've listed here, not exactly the same. I mean, I hear someone playing a sick piano concerto and then somebody else just going to town on a trombone.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, if I hear. You know how hard it is to pull off a Slick Losando, right?

[Travis McElroy]

Like, hell, yeah, dude.

[Griffin McElroy]

To bust out a. To bust out a Skyler Jason do on the trombone, like, that seems like it would be definitely worth applause.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, I think you gotta celebrate the achievement in the moment that it happens.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I think that you. If you get a note later, I think that that's. The person is gonna think, well, they probably felt bad for me. Cause no one was cheering when I actually did the thing. I think when they hit the note, I think you just gotta give them,

[Griffin McElroy]

like, now you're cooking, baby.

Yeah. It needs to be immediate.

Cook it, baby.

Cook it up in the kitchen.

Turn up the heat, Frankie.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, like if their name is. I don't know, there. Or maybe they're on the doors. I don't know if the names are on the door.

[Griffin McElroy]

Pop that shit in the fryer, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes, exactly.

[Griffin McElroy]

Turn the thermostat up, Frankie. It's too cold.

Yeah, that's cool. Trav, you do one?

Yeah, I don't.

[Travis McElroy]

I. I was thinking of something else.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, you weren't listening.

[Song Vocalist]

Oh, Trav.

[Griffin McElroy]

The jokes were good. Yeah, Trav, that's the best time to do another one, because you're gonna take it into a funky direction, man. Jokes were really good.

It would have been really fun to get up on that one, man.

What if it was an easy one? Too easy.

[Travis McElroy]

Good jokes. It was like vibing.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I was like, Travis is gonna love it.

I want to tell him about it.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, please. Because I was thinking of different chain of jokes.

[Justin McElroy]

Listen, all you had to do for

[Griffin McElroy]

the joke was you had to be

[Justin McElroy]

like, something, something, Frankie. And you're kind of yelling and then said something about temperature. It was so easy.

[Griffin McElroy]

And it was, like, really funny. And it didn't take any brain work at all. You could just kind of.

[Travis McElroy]

Frankie, boil that frog. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

I do think if it had been, like, more close to the. To the bit, it would have.

[Justin McElroy]

You could have.

[Travis McElroy]

So what about this? They hear a knock on the window. They turn and look, it's you in a Phantom of the Opera mask.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, cool.

[Travis McElroy]

Yelling.

[Griffin McElroy]

Bravi.

Bravi. No, no, no, no. You're so close you almost had it. You almost had it. You look, you're in the Phantom of the Opera mask, looking in the window. As soon as they turn to look at you, you give them a. And you're away.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, and you're gone.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you fucking make a big deal out of it, they'll know, like, oh, that's some dude in a mask. But if you get out of there quick, like, really quick, and they don't see you now, in their mind, they're

like, am I getting Phantom?

[Justin McElroy]

And then you mention it to someone else. Like, he only appears to the most talented. Only the most talented amongst us. I've seen xivanthem.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. And after that, you can leave little notes signed from the angel of Music from that point forward. Like, that was a sick Trabunga Sando, the Angel of Music.

[Justin McElroy]

See, Trav, you knocked on the door. And in my head I'm like, why did we stop knocking? Oh, you're joining me music. Open the door.

[Griffin McElroy]

They get up to.

[Justin McElroy]

It's like, knock, knock, knock. And they get up to open it, but then it's like, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

[Travis McElroy]

And you're jiggling the handle to give it some hi hat.

[Justin McElroy]

Very funky.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Music is everywhere.

[Justin McElroy]

They would love that.

[Griffin McElroy]

I will let you in. Please stop.

[Travis McElroy]

And then you break the doorknob off and they're stuck.

[Griffin McElroy]

They're locked. Please stop.

[Travis McElroy]

You're turning it. While I'm turning it.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're both turning it.

Does your guys algo serve you up videos of people, like, walking around in the park with their violin? And they see someone DJing or something. They're like, can I jam with you? And then they jam together. Or they're walking around and there's people drumming on the subway and they're like, can I jam?

[Song Vocalist]

Or.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or they have two saxophones and they're like, let's blast.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you guys get those happen, Griff? Yeah. I actually just got served one of these. Awesome. And it pissed me off. I want to hear what you were talking about. But it pissed me off because it was a man who walked around with, like, eight turntables.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

And a bunch of decent Squit man.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Twelve microphones.

[Justin McElroy]

Who happens upon him. Wyclef Jean.

[Griffin McElroy]

Just have it. No, you found. He went looking for.

[Justin McElroy]

I think he. I think you dropped a pin.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's all I'll say.

[Travis McElroy]

And I don't.

[Justin McElroy]

I think someone dropped a pin. Because I have been walking around lots of times. Never with DJ stuff ever.

[Griffin McElroy]

No.

[Justin McElroy]

And have not once seen Wyclef Jean. You know what I mean?

[Travis McElroy]

That's so funny.

[Griffin McElroy]

They were filming it too.

[Travis McElroy]

Damn. For me. My problem is, whenever I do see Wyclef Jean here in Cincinnati, Ohio, I never have my DJ stuff with me. And then when I have my DJ stuff with me, I can never find.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis is like, let me get my recorder out. And Wyclef Jean's like, I would rather.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, no, no, thank you.

[Justin McElroy]

Not the recorder, please.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you think when two people are playing saxophone at the same time, kind of facing each other, doing, like, dueling saxophones, they're worried that if they get too close to one another, it will form kind of a seal, and when one blows, it'll puff out the other one's cheeks and explode their lungs.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. And that's a huge, huge, huge concern. When you're playing the saxophone, it's the only instrument that you have to breathe in and out through it. You can't remove your. If you break the seal of your armature, then the reed loses all of its rigidity, and so you have to breathe in and out of it. And it's.

[Travis McElroy]

So if the two bells touch. If the two bells touch, that air is gonna go straight into their lungs and pop them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes. And that is where bassoons come from.

Oh.

When two saxophones love each other very much, their bells touch. One blows into the other one till the cheeks explode. And then a bassoon.

[Travis McElroy]

She pops a baby bassoon out.

[Griffin McElroy]

Comes out of bassoon.

[Justin McElroy]

You hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, ba.

[Travis McElroy]

Start.

[Justin McElroy]

Contra bassoon.

[Griffin McElroy]

Contra bassoon. Sure. Doesn't make any sense.

[Justin McElroy]

Didn't make any sense what you just said.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why did you bring contra? Why did contra get invited to the party?

[Justin McElroy]

Because a contra bassoon is an instrument,

[Travis McElroy]

and that was the contrabassoon that directly opposes the bassoon. It's the bassoon.

[Justin McElroy]

It's the greatest ever heard.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've never heard of this evil twin bassoon.

[Justin McElroy]

The opposite contra bassoon.

[Griffin McElroy]

A contra bassoon. I've never heard.

[Travis McElroy]

The only thing that could stop a

[Justin McElroy]

bassoon is a contra bassoon right now. Because you're in for a real treat because this thing is a yo, yo.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Can you not even share a picture or whatever? You're looking at pictures over there. The contra bassoon. I mean, sharing pictures.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'll share the pictures of contra bassoon. I don't know how to do that shit. You always do that shit.

[Justin McElroy]

Really? Just press the share button. Do you not have a share button?

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, I. What if it's yeah. This is a YouTube video.

Oh, so loud. Yo, guys. Yo, Griffin. You okay, man?

[Song Vocalist]

Guys,

[Griffin McElroy]

you guys are really quiet in my mix. I turned on my headphones really, really

loud because, you guys, I thought your mics were quiet.

So I turned you up really loud

thinking, like, well, I'm not gonna hear

any other sounds while I'm doing this.

And then I accidentally opened up a

video of a guy playing the contra

bassoon, and it fucking shattered my eardrums. Okay, hold on. I got to get this fucking thing up here. I got to figure out how to share the contrabassoon.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

I miss Googled and I searched for contra baboon. No, and I got some wild stuff.

[Justin McElroy]

I got a contrabassoon. There's a contrabassoon right there.

[Griffin McElroy]

Screen share. Get rid of this. This is what I need to show you it, though. You got to see the size of this fucking thing, man. Let me get theater mode. Can you see? You ready? I don't think you'll be able to hear it.

[Justin McElroy]

I hope not. I can't hear it.

[Travis McElroy]

Look at that bad boy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, that seems hard to press.

It's broke. Hey, dude, it's broken. I don't think that's what it's supposed to sound like. Dude, your shit's broken. Yes, dude, he's fucking ripping, man. Dude, it sounds like you're fucking drumming ass.

[Travis McElroy]

Dude, it's not music.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's the funniest thing I've ever seen. That can't be it. I'm trying to read it

to the

modern one, which is almost not the same. Yes, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

So you see.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't stop, please. That's a gun.

He looks like he's about to assassinate the moon queen. Are we gonna get another blast? Oh, this one note. Everyone remembers.

Everybody knows this. That's not a note. That's not a note. It's the engine starting.

[Travis McElroy]

That's a W flat he's hitting right there. I love that. Oh, my God. Sir.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fucking jerk.

[Travis McElroy]

But we're on the other side of the thing. What's that like for him?

[Griffin McElroy]

Why is he pretending like it's a musical experience? This freaking guy.

[Travis McElroy]

God, that man is actually 19 years old. With the vibrations of the contra bassoon

[Griffin McElroy]

have aged in game of Jag disease. He got contact Jack disease from his contra masoon.

It's so fucking big and deep.

That's what she said. And it's not. It's like they made it so big that it sounds bad. Yeah. And it's like, good job.

[Travis McElroy]

I guess that's the guy that there's one note in the entire concerto that you need a contrabassoon.

[Griffin McElroy]

And they're like, yeah, that's why you're here, Doug.

[Travis McElroy]

He's my nephew.

[Griffin McElroy]

The sheet music is like a CVS receipt with the number of staves they have to go down just to reach it. Oh, man.

[Travis McElroy]

We've just printed out your sides, Doug. It's just this one note. I'll point to you.

[Justin McElroy]

You'll know when it's time, Doug, because the whole place will get really quiet and just.

[Griffin McElroy]

You'll just blast.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, man. Let's take a break and we'll come back and talk about our sponsors.

[Song Vocalist]

It's bad. It's better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

We actually have settled into a morning routine here where I have not been able to keep up my end of the bargain. Oh, no. Because I can't open the Smalls for the cats in the morning.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, no.

[Justin McElroy]

It's really put a damp on our relationship. I've gotten to a point now where I've asked Sidney to open the package of the delicious smooth bird or whatever while I stand next to her. So at least the cats still associate me with the delicious, flavorful, nutrient packed food from Smalls.

[Griffin McElroy]

Maybe she'll think you're some sort of new forehanded food distributing entity that now dwells within this household.

[Travis McElroy]

Or maybe they'll get the completely mistaken impression that you're somehow in charge of Sydney and make her do it for them.

[Justin McElroy]

Gosh, they are actually too smart for that because they kind of are in charge in our house. But that means that I like taking care of these kitties and I like giving them the best food that I can. And I feel like Smalls does that. It helps us to control their portions. Cause we used to just do like kind of grazing dry food. So the Smalls has been great for that. Their coats look really nice, they have a lot of energy, and it seemed to have really been great for them.

[Travis McElroy]

Which one's your favorite?

[Justin McElroy]

Probably other bird.

[Travis McElroy]

No, I meant of the cats.

[Justin McElroy]

When it's late at night, Travis, and I am feeling a little peckish, I reach for other bird or smooth pig.

[Travis McElroy]

No. Which of the cats? Which of the two cats is your favorite?

[Justin McElroy]

Stop guessing. Which meals are going to upset their stomach for a limited time. Because you're a My brother, my Brother and me listener. Get 60% off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com mybrother one last time. That 60% off your first order plus Free shipping when you head to smalls dot com mybrother which of us is your favorite?

[Griffin McElroy]

Neither. Do you guys know how some people call their pets? Their fur babies?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it okay to call a baby like a skin dog?

[Travis McElroy]

A skin puppy?

[Justin McElroy]

A skin puffy square Squarespace.

[Griffin McElroy]

You don't want to talk about that, do you?

[Travis McElroy]

Check out Griffin's new website, skinpuffy.com.

[Griffin McElroy]

it's a bad idea. Hold on.

So, guys, I can't. You can't do this to me.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm on the ir. You can't.

[Griffin McElroy]

Please, please.

[Justin McElroy]

I can't register that domain right now.

[Griffin McElroy]

I can't type that fast for the domain.

[Justin McElroy]

Right hand.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, no. Only skinbuppy Edu is left.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, do not.

I don't want to learn about skin puppies.

Listen, if you, if you have a thing that actually stands the test of Christ's judgment more than skin puppies, and you want to put that up on the Internet, that is a killer idea. Have you thought about how you're going to do it? Because there's like one way that you can do it where it's going to look really good and it's going to be super easy and it's going to make it look like you know your shit. And that way is Squarespace.

[Travis McElroy]

What's the other way like?

[Griffin McElroy]

I guess some other service where it'll be like, all right, start coding. And you're like, fuck, I don't know anything about it. You better put the stuff where it looks good. Watch the kerning or whatever. Squarespace like does that stuff for you. We've all used Squarespace to make websites that look extremely high quality, extremely professional. And you can too, because it's easy. If you sell stuff, your goods or services, there's a bunch of different ways that you can get paid and sell those goods and services. You can generate invoices, you can streamline your workflow with built in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. It's really whatever you need a website for. Squarespace is going to be an amazing way to do that. I'm not just a paid spokesperson. I'm a customer. I also use it.

[Travis McElroy]

I have a new idea for a website where I get celebrities and people can commission them to hit home runs for them. In the spirit of Heater for the big boy, they'll hit home runs for the person and they send them a video of it.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's called Whamyo Whamio. And that's for home runs. Squarespace will even let that happen. Squarespace will let that video home run

[Travis McElroy]

on behalf of people yeah, it barely

[Griffin McElroy]

stands up in the judgment of Christ light, but I think that it will make it on Squarespace.

[Travis McElroy]

It'll look good. We have a lot of celebrities already ready to go.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Most of them are celebrity like TikTok animals.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. So that's. I don't know how you're going to get a video of them hitting a dinger.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, you know, there's some wire work.

[Griffin McElroy]

You have not thought this through. Head to squarespace.com mybrother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code mybrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Greatest Trek is the hit podcast about new Star Trek shows. And right now we're talking about all things Starfleet Academy.

[Greatest Trek Host]

Starfleet Academy is a Star Trek show made for everyone from lifetime Star Trek nerds to folks who only like my so called life in Dawson's Creek.

[Narrator/Announcer]

We even had a special writer and actor guest for the fifth episode this season, the hilarious Tawny Newsome.

[Greatest Trek Host]

Look, there's always something fun on the Greatest Trek feed because when the season's over, we're going back to watching the original series.

[Narrator/Announcer]

And hey, if you like old Star Trek, the Greatest Generation just had its 10th anniversary.

[Greatest Trek Host]

That's greatest Trek for new Star Trek and Greatest Generation for the Star Trek you grew up on.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Both shows you can find on maximumfun.org

[Griffin McElroy]

Ready?

[Travis McElroy]

Go.

[Griffin McElroy]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

We got this with Mark and Hal. You knew this one. We can't put that out as an ad. We just did new episodes every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcast now. It's hewn in rock. Hewn in rock.

[Song Vocalist]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

How do you hue something in rock? With a chisel. There's only one hue in rock and it's Huey Lewis. And the news is we got this with Mark and Hal is available every week on MaximumFun.org I walked right into that.

[Justin McElroy]

I want a much.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want to do the whole thing, man. You can't just get some of Frankenstein.

I didn't even realize I was doing

[Justin McElroy]

it until I was like a few bars in. I was like, heck, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, listen.

[Travis McElroy]

Nailed it so much.

[Griffin McElroy]

Every podcast, every bar is. That song is like, let's shred in a different rad way.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm actually going to add a guy

[Justin McElroy]

going,

[Griffin McElroy]

weird, weird, weird drum solo. And they bring it the final.

[Justin McElroy]

I brought in a spaceman from Mars to do this part where he's like, squeal.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, perfect.

[Justin McElroy]

The lenten season is upon us. As you know, I saw.

[Griffin McElroy]

I had to explain to Gus this morning as we were driving to school. He saw a bunch of people with ash on their forehead, and I had to explain what that meant. And there were maybe other conversations that would have been helpful to have with him before this conversation.

[Travis McElroy]

Any kind of context perhaps, kind of

[Griffin McElroy]

just threw him right in.

[Justin McElroy]

Kind of walked in. When they're revealing the nature of the smoke monster and it's like, you actually need.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's a lot.

[Justin McElroy]

The Lenten season is upon us. And it does delight me that as, like, despite them being largely agnostic most of the year, the fast food industry does fall all over itself to offer people seafood options for Fridays when they need to eat seafood.

[Travis McElroy]

Doesn't it say a lot, though, about those options? I've always found this funny that they don't offer them the rest of the year. Like, they know that these are the real bee stringers, where it's like, listen, we know, we know you don't have.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can't do shrimp.

[Justin McElroy]

I just, like, I just. I'm not a. I'm not a Catholic as. You know what. I'm not as familiar with the rules of the Lenten season. I understand there's many religions that have, you know, rules about diet or whatever. So I don't want to be too flippant about that. I do, in my understanding, though, I don't think Jesus is idea was that for this certain time of year, you would plan on seafood feasts every Friday.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think Jesus meant for you

[Justin McElroy]

to have seafood feast Friday just to make it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. He wanted more filet o fishes out

[Travis McElroy]

there, so he took one. He divided the filet o fish and made enough for everybody to have some filet o fish.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm sorry. I'm thinking about this now for the first time, and I don't want to be sacrilegious or anything, but about three quarters of the disciples were fishermen. It's a little bit sus that he was like, oh, and one day of the week is only eat fish day.

Yeah, wink, I think.

[Travis McElroy]

And make sure to stock up for leftovers.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is that any. Yeah, right.

[Justin McElroy]

Make sure you pay your taxes on it. Right, guys, into that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Smash Burger introduces new shrimp lineup for lint.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, so listen, hold on. I'm gonna open an image. I'm tell you about these. I'm gonna tell you about these lineups that they have for Lent. Okay? But just imagine a God. Imagine a deity where you're like, this

[Griffin McElroy]

Is what I'm eating for you. Deity's like, ah, good job. That's what I wanted to do. Practicing restriction and moderation. Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do this in remembrance of me. Smashed this fried lobster roll. Thank you. What a sacred. Wow.

[Song Vocalist]

Beautiful.

[Griffin McElroy]

You could have had a. You could have had a hamburger today. And you did it. Amazing. You just had butterfly shrimp with bang bang sauce.

Okay, Chad, we're looking at like Texas toast size French toast wrapped around a long and extraordinarily crunchy shrimp feast with a bunch of orange sprizzled across it. I do see what appears to be

a bunch of orange frizzled across it.

[Travis McElroy]

And we have an eat of this bang bang sauce. It is my blood because I'm awesome, dude.

[Griffin McElroy]

We got two big baskets of popcorn dealios with french fries and everything. So, I mean, it looks good.

[Justin McElroy]

Smashburger, the fast casual restaurant company that popularized what.

[Travis McElroy]

Smash Burgers.

[Griffin McElroy]

Smash Burgers.

Smash Burgers introduced its.

[Justin McElroy]

That's what it says in the press release. Introduced its new shrimp. Limited time offerings, adding fresh seafood variety. Because I think freshness when I'm looking at this pile of brown fresh seafood variety for. In time for Lent.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cool.

Hey, can we start, by the way,

[Travis McElroy]

can we start press releases about us as like, my brother, my brother and me, which popularized my brother, my brother and me?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, good point.

[Justin McElroy]

At Smashburger, we're always looking for ways to bring fresh flavor and variety to our guests. And our new shrimp offerings do exactly that. Said Tom Ryan, founder of Smashburger. Lent is a time when many people look for seafood options, and we wanted to deliver something that meets that need while staying true to the great tastes our guests expect. The new shrimp lineup brings a delicious twist to the season. The season full of flavor and offered at a value that makes it easy for us to enjoy something different.

[Travis McElroy]

We know that the other 325 days of the year, you guys think about eating like fish and shrimp and stuff that are in the ocean. And you're like, ew, yuck.

[Griffin McElroy]

Ew, yuck.

[Travis McElroy]

We know that.

[Justin McElroy]

So imagine you are sitting down to dinner, okay? And Travis, you're Jesus. Okay? So I need you to see like, like you snuck up behind me and I'm eating dinner and just be like, ah, good job, Justin, what are you having?

[Travis McElroy]

Hello, my son. Ah, Justin, my favorite. You're having a great li. What are you eating in my name?

[Griffin McElroy]

Scorching big shrimp roll. I'm doing it for you, Jesus. I'm eating a scorching big shrimp roll. It's a Dozen crispy shrimp marinated in scorching hot spices, leaf lettuce and remoulade sauce, served on a butter roll.

For you.

[Travis McElroy]

I never asked you to do that, Justin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you, Lord.

[Travis McElroy]

No, there's so many other things that you should be worried about.

[Griffin McElroy]

Your Bible. What have you been.

[Travis McElroy]

Which Bible have you been reading, Justin?

[Justin McElroy]

I've given everything for you, God.

[Travis McElroy]

Because of you. I'm eating.

[Justin McElroy]

I wanted to get a burger Smash Burger. Instead, I'm eating a scorching shrimp basket,

[Griffin McElroy]

which is just two dozen crispy shrimp

[Justin McElroy]

marinated in scorching hot spices, served with french fries, remoulade sauce and chipotle mayo.

[Travis McElroy]

Jesus, you crying? You're crying and just chugging milk.

[Justin McElroy]

Cause I wanted a burger so much.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesus.

But instead I have to eat two dozen crispy shrimp served with french fries, remoulade sauce and chipotle mayo. You didn't have to do that.

[Travis McElroy]

You could have had like some nice tuna, maybe like a salmon filet.

[Justin McElroy]

No, Jesus, he couldn't have. Hi, I'm Jim Sullivan, CEO of Smashburger.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jim, our new shrimp lineup.

[Travis McElroy]

Enemy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Our new shrimp lineup.

His quote starts, actually, Jesus.

Actually, Jesus.

[Justin McElroy]

Our new shrimp lineup is more than just a seasonal addition. It reflects our commitment to meeting guests where they are and giving them fresh reasons to choose Smashburger.

[Travis McElroy]

But shouldn't they be choosing me, Jim?

[Justin McElroy]

No.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, Jesus.

[Justin McElroy]

Taste has always been at the heart of our brand and our greatest competitive advantage. And now we're. I guess we're adding Jesus into there and doing what he wants with these flavor forward seafood options for Lent. We're reinforcing our leadership in fast casual and showing guests they can count on Smash Burger for bold innovation and real value.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm more of a Taco Bell man myself.

[Griffin McElroy]

That makes sense. That tracks.

[Justin McElroy]

I wanted to get the scorching cheesy Max Mac.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jesus, can you make the Doritos Locos Taco come back at Taco Bell? Do you have any?

[Travis McElroy]

It's the one thing I can't do.

[Griffin McElroy]

The one thing you can't do is bring back the Doritos. The specifically Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell.

[Travis McElroy]

I can bring them back at limited locations.

[Justin McElroy]

Listen, Griffin, it's called Good Friday, not Great Friday. I'm a cook and I love making all sorts of food, but one of my favorite ingredients to work with are beans. This week I. Me too.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

This week I love. I made a large batch of red beans and rice and I've been loving it. My husband is not this morning we had a full coming coming to God meeting where he told me that I was farting in my sleep all night. It was so bad that he had to leave the bedroom at 5am to go in the living room to escape my emissions. The problem is I still have 2 pounds of cooked beans in the fridge and about 8 pounds dried in the pantry. I don't want to throw them all away, but I can't trust myself not to keep ripping ass in the twilight hours. What should I do? That's from garbanzo glutton on the Gulf Coast. I think my first question is why did this nasty dog welcome wake up

[Griffin McElroy]

to smell your farts?

That's crazy.

Yeah, go back to bed, Geral.

[Justin McElroy]

You know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

Like why are you up huffing farts?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Why?

[Griffin McElroy]

Gerald, go back to bed, dude.

There's no way you, while you were

dreaming you smelled the smell where you're

like, there's no way, dude. You're not fucking goofy. You're not goofy. You didn't get lifted up by the scent waves on your nose.

No way, dude.

I woke up. I woke up to the blanket floating six inches above the bed.

Gerald, I'm on the iPad connected to your account. It says you have a timer set for 2am every morning that says it's free fart time. H. Do we need to talk about this?

[Travis McElroy]

One bite of beans a day till they're all gone micro dose.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, you like your handy brain scooping walled dust.

[Justin McElroy]

What's. There's some beans. I mean here he goes up. You know.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, sure. I, I do want to say, I know this is maybe a privileged position to take, but there aren't many medicines out there that are more. There aren't that many medicines out there that are more sort of self instructed as to what they help with than Beano. Yeah, Beano is. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's like if there was, when you, if Dayquil was called like Coldo or something like this is what you do sneezo. It's like this is what you eat when you have beans and it helps digest the fibers better.

[Justin McElroy]

And it also is like. And if you take it there'll be no gas and it's like that's a double. That's a green.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's got all kinds of stuff going for it. You're done.

[Justin McElroy]

You're done, you're done. It's the greatest product.

[Travis McElroy]

It's crazy.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's something you don't reach for often, but when you do it always hits Beano always hits. I'm going to go.

[Justin McElroy]

Have you tried Beano?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, dog.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna contradict my own one spoon a day idea with one day, ten pounds of beans. Get it all over with in one night. Let your husband know. It's gonna be bad, but it's like the worst it's ever been. But for one night only. Like a pay per view boxing match. One night only.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. When I was in college, actually, or actually right after I graduated, I did take a. I had a similar situation. I took a bean walk where it was two weeks, and I just brought, I think it was eight pounds of uncooked beans with me in my satchel, and I had my pan and I. And I would just find water sources and I would just travel. I mean, I traveled for weeks just farting and eating beans.

[Travis McElroy]

It was a bean walk.

[Justin McElroy]

And I actually. I made it to Dublin. I met Ewan there. Ewan, you fart?

[Griffin McElroy]

Hiked to Ireland.

[Travis McElroy]

It carried him across the sea.

[Griffin McElroy]

You fart, hiked in the Emerald Isles.

[Justin McElroy]

I met you in there. And he actually put me in his sidecar.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cause I'd exhausted myself.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

So did you walk into any nutrient

[Justin McElroy]

deficiencies by that point?

[Griffin McElroy]

You crammed the eight pounds of beans, walked to Boston, did a fucking Super Mario 64 backwards long jump, ass rip.

It was more of a maybe stay out, Mr. Magoo thing where I walked into the wrong shipping container and it closed behind me.

[Justin McElroy]

And then I got.

[Travis McElroy]

And did you keep walking in the shipping container just to keep your steps up?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. And you died within an hour because of how you'd filled filtered up with your bean mistakes.

[Travis McElroy]

You could also go spoon for spoon with your husband and just be like, hey, if you want these gone, we're doing this together. I eat a bite, you eat a bite. We're going to hold hands, you know, through the storm, as they were, Man,

[Griffin McElroy]

I'd say throw them out, but then you're going to have way more beans. A lot of growing coming down and giants coming down. Definitely.

[Justin McElroy]

I was gonna say, like, there's definitely, you know, places in your community that will accept beans. I will say two things. One, beans is kind of does take a long time to cook. And also, like, you don't necessarily want to give people who are in close quarters the gift of, like, here. Why don't you guys so bad.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why don't all of you fart this much? This much of the beans made me fart so bad. My husband woke up. So this many beans.

Do you guys want to swim in them, like Scrooge McDuck.

[Travis McElroy]

There are so many foods in my pantry that I go. I'm like, oh, you know what? I just remembered I have this thing. I can make this for dinner. And then, like, I look at the instructions and they're like, oh, do you want to have this for dinner? Start it yesterday. And I'm like, oh, well, I didn't do that. And then they remain there.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Forever.

[Justin McElroy]

You gotta think about it. It's like cold brew coffee. When you think like, man. Like people who make their own. Like, man, I love to have some coffee tomorrow.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. But I don't even want beans today, let alone tomorrow. Like, I don't. You know what I mean? I'm not gonna set myself up like that.

[Justin McElroy]

You do have to.

[Travis McElroy]

It is.

[Justin McElroy]

There is like, I mean, if the beans are done, you gotta start eating the beans. So you could kind of set up. It's kind of like an alarm for yourself to eat beans. Like, the beans are done now. Like, you have to eat them.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're kind of making.

[Justin McElroy]

You're forced in your own hand.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, solved. Eat the beans right before you go to bed. So that way they've. Let's call it what it is. Brewed overnight. Then you wake up, you're farting throughout the day. How might you react?

[Griffin McElroy]

You understand this is like a chemical reaction that pretty much works within.

[Travis McElroy]

Then wake up in the middle of the night, whatever time.

[Justin McElroy]

You're gonna have to do some scientifically, if you're a mammal, like, you can't time your body like that. You can't game the system. You're not fucking four hours.

[Travis McElroy]

They have enough beans that they can run some tests. They can work out the timing perfectly and then just have the circumstances happen throughout the day.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, there's just. I'm saying there's like a rate at which you could eat the beans. That is not by the spoonful that it is, ah, bean every minute and

[Griffin McElroy]

then you double it every minute and

[Travis McElroy]

you're just slowly farting a little bit throughout the day.

[Justin McElroy]

No, there's gotta be an amount at which the body's fart sensors aren't triggered. Yeah, they don't catch a lot. I'm saying you don't chew it right. You just swallow like a pill. You swallow a bean every minute or whatever. You don't chew it and you're just passing. They can't make you fart if you're passing them holes.

[Travis McElroy]

And it's so important that if you do this, no one ever sees you doing it because you'll never be able to explain it.

[Justin McElroy]

Or they think you're on an extremely demanding medicine regimen. You know what I mean? And they feel super bad for you. Like, wow, Justin takes a lot of pills throughout the day.

[Griffin McElroy]

I see him popping beans.

Why does he look inflated? Like the bad guy in Live and Let Die? Justin floating away like a big balloon right now.

Wait, what do you mean? I'm sitting on him now.

That's crazy.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, he's.

[Griffin McElroy]

He's a beanbag. He's extremely comfortable.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. I hope you've enjoyed it.

[Travis McElroy]

I hope so, too.

[Justin McElroy]

Really, though, like, really, I hope you liked it because I like recording it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hey, we got merch in the merch store. Can I tell all the people all about it?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, you better do that.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you're as stoked about our. Your name as we are. And I truly am, guys, I feel like I'm using it a lot because I'm the type of guy who wants to stop doing stuff a lot. Having a little guy in my brain who's like, make it stick. That's really good stuff. Anyway, we got a sticker for that, if you need reminding from designed by Lucas Hespenheid. And we also. If you didn't watch Candle Nights this past year, we did it back in Huntington at the Keith Albee Live. It was so much fun. And you can watch the whole thing on demand. It's pay what you want. And our merch store is macaronmerch.com. 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Immigrant Law center of Minnesota. So check that stuff out. We got streaming stuff coming up at the McRoy Family YouTube channel.

[Travis McElroy]

That's true. Tomorrow, the 24th on Tuesday is another clubhouse. Join us there on McRoy Family at noon Eastern time.

[Justin McElroy]

Talk to the Limps.

[Griffin McElroy]

What?

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Justin McElroy]

We're talking about the Limps. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

The Olympics.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. We are gonna be doing sort of

[Travis McElroy]

Olympic jokes and then every other Tuesday. So the last Tuesday of every month is going to be McElroy Family Clubhouse. Every other Tuesday at noon is Super McElroy Brothers playing our little video games, our little digital games. Come check those out over at the McElroy family YouTube channel and all our solo streams.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep. We're streaming almost every day. Every. Every day over there. Oh, also, I have a book coming out March 10th. It's a choose your own Adventure book from the choose youe Own Adventure Company. I'm very, very excited. It's called The Stowaway. You go to bit lygryphenstowaway. And you can pre order that now. And. And it's $10. And it would mean a lot to me personally. Thank you so much.

[Travis McElroy]

Did we thank Montaigne.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you Montaigne for the use for our theme song My Life is Better with youh. It's a slapper, It's a clapper, it's a flapper, It's a trapper.

[Justin McElroy]

Griffin, you have to decide. I haven't. Let's pretzel rod.

[Travis McElroy]

I haven't gotten to throw in a couple episodes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. I think it is Travis's turn. And I know that I don't want to contribute.

[Justin McElroy]

I keep the pretzel rods like here all the time.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. So Travis is gonna throw his stuff to Miggy now. Travis always makes me nervous. Cause he has a lot of what looks like pretty breakable shit in his background down. I'm always worried. Maybe that's best practice. Let's see. Hit dude. That sounds.

[Justin McElroy]

My name is justin mcelroy.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm travis mcelroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm griffin mcelroy.

[Justin McElroy]

This bit my brother. My brother. Mean. Kiss your dad square on the lips.

[Song Vocalist]

It's better, it's better with you. It's better my life, it's better, it's better with you. Cause it's true. It's better, it's better with you. My life, It's better with you.

[Justin McElroy]

Maximum fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

A worker owned network of artist owned shows supported directly by you.