MBMBaM 807: Riding in Floors with Boys

Summary

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My Brother, My Brother and Me Ep. 807: Riding in Floors with Boys

Release Date: March 30, 2026
Hosts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy

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Episode Overview

In this classic MBMBaM installment, the McElroy brothers offer offbeat advice and plenty of goofs, blending discussions on obscure superhero reboots, the everyday struggle of “floor Zamboni” redemption, the etiquette of balcony singing, the treacherous acquisition of communal ice cream, and the enduring quest to ride in a motorcycle sidecar. The episode is marked by long, playful tangents, quick-witted banter, and the beloved “Munch Squad” segment with the ever-chaotic Count Donut. The overall tone is irreverent, affectionate, and full of good-natured ribbing.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Superhero Reboots: The Phantom’s Second Shot

• [02:48–11:20] Travis’s Pitch for the Phantom Movie
  • Travis advocates for a modern reboot of the oft-overlooked Phantom, focusing on its pulpy 90s adaptation and comparing it to other Golden Age radio heroes like Batman, The Shadow, and The Rocketeer.
  • The brothers joke about the Phantom’s “powers”—which basically amount to having “two different, normal guns” and a skull-ring leaving imprints when he punches criminals.
  • They riff on the lineage of crime-fighting Phantoms, the problems of combining vigilantism with family legacy, and how every Phantom must rapidly procreate before getting themselves killed.
  • Memorable quotes:
    • “He punches. He punches, he punches.” – Griffin [04:17]
    • “You have to have a kid to fame after you.” – Justin [08:12]
    • “Every Phantom is fighting with the ferocity of a father-to-be.” – Griffin [10:36]

2. Zamboni Redemption: Riding in Floors with Boys

• [12:11–18:10] How to Get a Second Chance on the School Floor Cleaner
  • A teacher asks for help redeeming himself after bungling the custodial floor cleaning Zamboni ride.
  • The brothers gently roast the nervousness and propose possible (ill-advised) strategies: acting cool, befriending the custodian, proving trustworthiness with playful persistence (popcorn bucket ruse, cardboard boxes labeled “trash Zamboni”), and finally, just being honest and asking for another shot in a low-stakes, humble way.
  • Notable ideas include “living your life like someone ready for a Zamboni ride again” and the phrase “riding in floors with boys,” which gives the episode its title.
  • Memorable quotes:
    • “You gotta start building your confidence back up by just a daily exchange...Just get to know him as a person first.” – Justin [16:11]
    • “It’s the persistence he’s looking for.” – Griffin [18:06]

3. Balcony Singing and Neighborly Boundaries

• [21:13–26:13] How to Support (or Avoid Weirding Out) Your Singing Neighbor
  • A listener enjoys his neighbor’s balcony R&B serenades, but the singer always stops when he realizes anyone is listening.
  • The brothers muse that the singing may be for the neighbor's own enjoyment, not an impromptu concert.
  • They counsel against attention-seeking gestures (“encore!”), and instead advocate subtlety: open a window or leave the neighbor alone unless explicitly invited.
  • Justin builds an elaborate joke world where the singer is a “professional vocal stylist” and teases about "Phantom of the Opera"–style encouragement.
  • Memorable quotes:
    • “Anytime you’re elevated above other people in a fashion they did not expect, is incumbent on you to stand above them and say, Hello.” – Justin [22:07]
    • “Pretend to be a little king for just a minute. It’s good.” – Griffin [22:17]

4. Munch Squad: Donut Proposals, Merch Mayhem, and the Count Donut Saga

• [31:18–39:52] Count Donut’s Donut Matrimony and Merch Report
  • Count Donut (Justin’s alter ego) interrupts with a Munch Squad all about Dunkin’s surprising collaboration with Vera Wang for “I Do” ringboxes (with a donut hole inside), “wedding cake munchkins,” and related bridal merch.
  • The brothers mock both the hyper-specific proposal contest and the growing confusion as Dunkin' shifts from donuts toward total “lifestyle brand” territory (robes, banana hammocks, Bananagrams).
  • This segment showcases classic MBMBaM absurdity, running gags about marriage, and a sustained riff on the strangeness of corporate contests.
  • Notable quotes:
    • “Love is always brewing. Well, it’s not coffee, so something was brewing in there.” – Count Donut [34:43]
    • “My Go to Dunkin order is I order you to throw me out of here.” – Count Donut [38:00]

5. The Ice Cream Drumstick Dilemma

• [41:31–48:15] Surreptitious Drumstick Acquisition at the Radio Station
  • A “news guy” wants to claim a box of 24 ice cream drumsticks in the staff freezer.
  • The brothers debate the ethics and logistics—whether the box is still sealed, when it becomes fair game, how many you can eat unnoticed.
  • They suggest subtle, sports-commentator-like requests and joke about using “news announcements” to manipulate coworkers, from issuing a fake product recall to crafting elaborate on-air scenarios.
  • Best moments:
    • “As long as it’s above half, you are golden.” – Griffin [43:11]
    • Extended riff: “He’s been hit by pitches, just like I’m dying for one of those delicious drumsticks.” – Travis & Griffin [44:51–45:12]

6. Bucket List: How to Hitch a Sidecar Ride

• [49:28–53:06] The Motorcycle Sidecar Dream
  • A listener wants to ride in a motorcycle sidecar but has no connections.
  • The hosts warn against “goggles and white scarf” cosplay, urge realism, and suggest befriending local bikers, or even “tucking” themselves into a sidecar stealthily.
  • Discussion expands into sidecar logistics, safety issues, and the hilarity of being too picky about “trustworthy bikers” when you have no other options.
  • Classic MBMBaM twist: Suggesting you build your own sidecar or befriend someone with poor decision-making skills, instead of “trustworthy” bikers.
  • Notable quote:
    • “You’ve got to check for tuckers if you’ve got a sidecar.” – Justin [52:21]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments — With Timestamps

• “He punches. He punches, he punches.” — Griffin, on The Phantom [04:17]
• “Every Phantom is fighting with the ferocity of a father-to-be.” — Griffin [10:36]
• “You gotta start building your confidence back up by just a daily exchange...Just get to know him as a person first.” — Justin, on Zamboni redemption [16:11]
• “Pretend to be a little king for just a minute. It’s good.” — Griffin, on balcony etiquette [22:17]
• “My Go to Dunkin order is I order you to throw me out of here.” — Count Donut [38:00]
• “As long as it’s above half, you are golden.” — Griffin, on communal drumsticks [43:11]
• “You’ve got to check for tuckers if you’ve got a sidecar.” — Justin [52:21]

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Other Highlights and Running Gags

• Naming the floor machine:
  Extended efforts to rename the floor Zamboni, leading to the episode title. [13:20]

• Merch tangents:
  Goofs about increasingly obscure branded merch, like Dunkin’ “banana hammocks” and “ephemera” [39:19].

• Book It reward nostalgia:
  Whimsical longing for school reading programs and the dearth of “pizza-based books” [53:16–53:45].

• Closing riff:
  Signing off by joking about the long, silly legacy of the podcast name and how “The dough also rises./The crust also rises.” [54:10–54:15]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |------------------------------------------|-------------------| | The Phantom Reboot | 02:48–11:20 | | Zamboni Redemption Dilemma | 12:11–18:10 | | Neighbor Singing & Balcony Etiquette | 21:13–26:13 | | Munch Squad: Dunkin & Count Donut | 31:18–39:52 | | Drumstick Dilemma | 41:31–48:15 | | Motorcycle Sidecar Question | 49:28–53:06 |

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Tone & Style

The episode is a perfect blend of MBMBaM’s trademark mix—rapid-fire jokes, obscure pop culture references, surreal scenarios, and earnest advice couched in absurdity. The hosts constantly riff off one another in a loose, improvisational style full of recurring in-jokes (TravNation, Count Donut), faux-expert confidence, and affectionate sibling ribbing.

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For New Listeners

If you’re new to the show, this episode offers a strong taste of the McElroy “advice” formula: start with an earnest question, escalate into wild hypothetical, circle back to actual advice (sometimes), and never miss a chance for wordplay or tangential storytelling. The mix of modern dilemmas and deep-cut pop culture makes this a great entry point for the series’ ongoing energy and camaraderie.

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Transcript

[Justin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

[Montane (musician)]

It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into a precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life, it feels like. It's better it's better with you My life, ah. It's better, it's better with you this is who you are it's better, it's better with two.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's better with you hello everybody.

[Justin McElroy]

Welcome to My Brother, My Brother, Me and Advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What up, Travnation? It's me, Armenal's brother, Travis. Big dog.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wolf, Wolf.

[Justin McElroy]

Vroom, vroom.

[Travis McElroy]

The heater Award winning McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

And you already know what it is. Trav Nation. It's me, your sweet baby brother, Griffin. 30 under 30 media luminary award winner McElroy. Saying award winner in there when I'm already kind of like saying another award. I won the 30 under 30 awards winner award. Yeah, awards winner is maybe a cleaner way of doing that.

[Justin McElroy]

McElroy, welcome to our show. We hope you are having a great, great week. Guys, what's been happening?

[Griffin McElroy]

Damn, man. I was about to say, I guess Mr. Bean's not out here making any new Netflix series to speak of whatsoever. I guess Timmy Chalamet hasn't said anything silly and injurious to his career.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh no, we didn't talk about Timmy Chimmy.

[Griffin McElroy]

We did. We talked about Tim Chim. For sure. We definitely had a whole like 10 minute intro. Did we talk about Timmy Chimmy? We did do a pretty extended Timmy Chimmy rundown. Yeah, A lot of the times we just barrel into these and it's like,

[Justin McElroy]

oh, that's right, we don't leave anything for us. Don't leave anything for Bone.

[Travis McElroy]

How Last week Justin took a bold stance and said the Easter candy was the best candy.

[Justin McElroy]

Uh huh. Has the email been blowing up? Are people freaking out?

[Travis McElroy]

Oh yeah, all over the place. Just full agreement.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gun to your head right now. What is the login for our email address? I guarantee none of us know it.

[Travis McElroy]

I know it, but I'm not gonna say it. Out loud. Okay, can you guys give a little space for me to make a bold statement?

[Griffin McElroy]

I guess so.

[Travis McElroy]

I believe the time has come. It's been 30 years to try again at the Phantom.

[Griffin McElroy]

The Phantom superhero.

[Travis McElroy]

Travis, the Billy Zane.

[Justin McElroy]

You have pounced on us in a moment of weakness to monopolize this show. To talk about Billy Zane's.

[Travis McElroy]

In the year 1989, Batman by Tim Burton came out and all the studio said, we need to get on this right now. The first of the gate. Dick Tracy. 1990.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right.

[Travis McElroy]

1991. The Rocketeer.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

So all that old shit.

[Travis McElroy]

1995, the Shadow. 1996, the Phantom.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Before and after its time, somehow the

[Griffin McElroy]

golden age of radio really had a, if memory serves, not great run at the cinemas.

[Travis McElroy]

Correct.

[Justin McElroy]

Right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Most of those films you described, they did go way, way down.

[Justin McElroy]

There was a bunch of guys who remembered it from when they were kids,

[Griffin McElroy]

green lighting it, thinking that today's kids are gonna love it, but it's all busted.

[Travis McElroy]

Is this one gonna be our Batman? They said, and the answer is no.

[Griffin McElroy]

It was a sort of run of stories about wealthy men who punched other men. And that made them worthy of a nick. Worthy of like a cool superhero nickname.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

And America said, I don't get it. What's Billy Zane's powers even? Is he strong?

[Travis McElroy]

He punches.

[Griffin McElroy]

He punches, he punches.

[Justin McElroy]

And this is something that people forget about. An advantage that the Phantom has over Batman. He does not have any superpowers. He's just a long line of crime fighting, folks. No superpowers. What he does have that Batman doesn't have two guns.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And they're not magic guns.

[Travis McElroy]

No, they're right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Two normal guns.

[Justin McElroy]

They're not even the same guns. It's two, just different two guns.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like it's a revolver and a pistol. And he just said, like, I guess

[Justin McElroy]

I'm a superhero now.

[Griffin McElroy]

And he runs around in a mask and he's like, hey, I don't see.

And I don't see why this era of film and radio is behind us. Cause that's still a message.

[Justin McElroy]

That's like a beautiful message.

[Travis McElroy]

He also had a ring, okay, with a skull imprint on it.

[Griffin McElroy]

So it's romantic too. There's a romance.

[Travis McElroy]

When he punches someone with his skull ring, it leaves a skull imprint on their face. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

So he doesn't. So he, he's out there shooting and fucking out there mushroom stamping fellas who are criminals. And then he's like, damn, I guess I'm the Phantom now. Stop calling me my normal name, Billy.

[Travis McElroy]

And here's the best part of this 30 year later reboot part of the Phantom, right, Is that he can commune with, like, his past Phantom relatives. So in the Billy Zane one, like his dad, that goes. If his dad shows up, you could have Billy Zane show up as the ghost of his dad. And the fandom in this one's gonna be played by Lucifer's Tom Ellis.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Wow. Wow.

[Griffin McElroy]

We flexible on that? We got any wiggle room? We got any wiggle room there?

[Justin McElroy]

Any wiggle room?

[Travis McElroy]

Bill Hader's gonna play the villain. Xander Cage, I think is his name.

[Justin McElroy]

Are you Xander Cage? That's from Triple X, so I'm certain you're not.

[Travis McElroy]

You are correct. It's something like that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Xander Cage is one of the triplex. It's.

It might be Xander Drax.

[Justin McElroy]

So, Travis, are you in the scripting stage? Do you have an outline? What do you want? What do you need from us?

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you want our approval? Are you looking for money? Like, what's.

[Justin McElroy]

You want us to tell you to stop? I could do that, too. I could provide that.

[Travis McElroy]

I guess I'm just looking for support and money I do need. If you guys would invest, let's say, 50 million each. I think that would be enough to get us started.

[Justin McElroy]

Hmm. Well, do you have any wiggle room on the lead? Because it's nobody I or anyone else or the money.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you have, like, either a little wiggle room on the lead or, like, a lot of wiggle room on the lead?

[Justin McElroy]

Griffin, I don't want to get. You can give more money ahead of you here, Trav. What if the character. Do you have any wiggle room on Justin, the character?

[Griffin McElroy]

And I guess do, like, a big, broad fan scope. Big, broad scope here. Do you have any wiggle room on the idea on the.

[Travis McElroy]

You're thinking just go ahead and lock the trilogy down? No, I'm saying, like, you're thinking a Shadow Phantom crossover.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, we could do that.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm the Shvado.

[Travis McElroy]

You want to play the shadow.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm the Shvado, and I have four rings, and I have nine guns. I can tell when people are lying, and when I punch them, it leaves a little skull.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't want to do the powers. I want classic Phantom. No abilities. A man with guns and a mask and a dad that told him he had to fight crime.

[Travis McElroy]

Bag of gems. A wolf, a horse. He had a nickname. The Phantom.

[Griffin McElroy]

The Phantom was his nickname?

[Travis McElroy]

No, the Ghost who Walks.

[Justin McElroy]

Sure.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, that's cool.

[Justin McElroy]

So on his birth certificate, it says the Phantom Yeah. The Phantom doesn't have an alternate name. Like, it's just his dad said we all fight crime and you have to. My dad did and his dad did, and we all have done it for 500 years. I don't know how we keep having kids finding the time for that, but we are doing that.

[Travis McElroy]

You are gonna need to do that though, son. It's really important that you get out

[Justin McElroy]

there, have an offspring. You gotta have a kid to fame after you.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's a big part of it.

It's like, guaranteed you're gonna be bad at being a father. Like, guaranteed guarantee. As soon as you pop, as soon as you create life, you then now grab that ring, grab those two guns. You're Phantom now. Can't be there for baseball games.

[Travis McElroy]

And a cool thing would be if you would be able to survive until your son reaches adulthood. But there's no guarantee. Hasn't happened yet on that one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hasn't happened so far.

[Justin McElroy]

You never met your grandpa.

[Travis McElroy]

And that's pretty common.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or me, I would see. Hi. This is a diary entry.

The reason you're so scared of me, a ghost right now, is because you don't have any awareness of who I am. I'm your father. I helped make you.

We barely have enough time to have a kid. We Phantom for like 18 months and we usually get killed. That's usually the way it shakes out. We impregnate someone. We get to be the Phantom for 18 to 24 months of solid crime fighting. Because you gotta make sure. I don't think you can get out there and be the Phantom unless you have a bun in someone's oven. Right?

Absolutely. It's in the contract.

Yeah, yeah. You can't get out there and start dodging bullets unless there's someone ready or cooking.

Yeah.

Take to take it up.

Also guaranteed in the contract is that you do get at least 18 months of being alive. After that, the bad guys know to take it a little bit easy. And then like after a year and a half, you know, maybe all of a sudden they stop pulling their punches or they crash a big biplane into your bip.

[Justin McElroy]

The most Phantoms, Griffin, is that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is that transitional phase, the lethality?

Yeah. But you do get your 18 good months of being the Phantom.

[Travis McElroy]

If you're a criminal who goes up against the Phantom, I bet the inconsistency of when the Phantom appeared because it's like, yeah, for 18 months, the Phantom was everywhere. And then like 17 years passed. No Phantom, no Phantom. And then suddenly there's this Phantom again.

[Griffin McElroy]

No way, if you're a bad guy, you can probably get a lot of leniency. Basically, anytime you see the Phantom, you can congratulate him on their child because they are under 2 years old or perhaps not even born yet. Like, hey, congrats. The fact that you are here now talking to me, punching me with your strong ring means only one thing. You have either conceived life or are a new father. And I'm proud of you. Congrats.

Every fandom is fighting with the ferocity of a father to be because they barely had time.

They are.

[Justin McElroy]

There's something to fight for. Do you think though, when Phantom. Guys, I feel like Phantom is like 2 degrees off from just like the worst manosphere nonsense. Like, he does have a bloodline. Right now, my dad's genetic material is

[Griffin McElroy]

proven to be crime.

[Justin McElroy]

Who walks?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

Diaper. Diaper changes. I don't really do that stuff.

[Justin McElroy]

No, no, no. It's called punch maxing. So I punch you, but you take

[Count Donut]

it with the ring.

[Justin McElroy]

So it's like the more force is

[Travis McElroy]

in it and I leave an imprint with the skull and. Yeah, those are perfect cheekbones.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. I'll tell you, I do like the ring though. I tell you, I do like it. From a toyetic standpoint, we're missing. We are. The nerd ring market is quite stale. We've all got.

[Justin McElroy]

Our dad has bought us all the different Green Lantern ones. There are.

[Griffin McElroy]

That there is.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And Phantom in the reboot, it could be like maybe there's 12 different skull rings and they're made of different metals.

[Justin McElroy]

And the Flash ring with the costume in it got a few of those. This is an advice show and a lot of people like to forget that when it's convenient for them. Yeah, but I'll never. I'll never forget. I am a 5th grade teacher at an elementary school. Once a week, our custodians drive a floor cleaning zamboni through the hallways. At the start of the school year, one of our custodians offered to let me drive it. I got very nervous and drove only about three feet forward before stopping abruptly and awkwardly mumbling thanks as I hopped off. For the last six months, I've watched with longing every week and wished I could have the chance to redeem myself. I feel prepped to go farther and faster than before. Brothers. How do I get offered to turn to drive the hallway Zamboni again without seeming desperate. That's from Fast and Florious in Florida.

[Griffin McElroy]

I have to imagine this is a holdover from last year when, you know, we Were telling everybody to hit that 20 Thunder Drive. Yeah.

But this is a really good opportunity, though, to make it stick. Because now you take a second shot

[Justin McElroy]

at this Zamboni driving. There's got to be a different. There's got to be a name.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's got to be a different name for it.

[Justin McElroy]

Got to be a name for the floor. Zamboni mopping machine. Rideable mop. That sounds wrong.

[Griffin McElroy]

What about a Zumba? Like a Roomba that you zoom on?

That's already.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, that's right. Take it.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, Zumba's already a thing against all odds.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, maybe like a cool cowboy hat and, like, a leather jacket, and you're leaning up against the lockers and say something like, let me take another shot at that Bronco. Something that makes it like. Yeah, you're a lot cooler now than you were before. Right?

[Griffin McElroy]

I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. Hand over the keys. If that's the energy, you. If that's the energy, you. If I'm the custodian and that's the energy you came at me with. If I get this sense that you want it, too bad. I'm not gonna hand over the keys to Mike. Cause I'm responsible for anything that happens. You might, you know, drive it into a classroom and eat up all the desks with it. I get in trouble for that. Cause it's my name on the side of the thing.

[Travis McElroy]

Maybe bring in your own and try to drag race.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, Trav, we couldn't even tell you what the name of the thing was. So how are you gonna Google it and buy one of your own? It's not a zoom, but how do you find it?

[Travis McElroy]

Flea market.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cleaner. Cleaner.

[Justin McElroy]

Cart. Cart. Cleaner cart. Mm, doesn't sound right. Griffin, if you google, I'm gonna be so mad at you.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm not gonna Google it. I'm too busy coming up with jokes. I can't do those two things at the same time.

[Justin McElroy]

It's like a lawnmower. It's like a riding lawnmower.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Riding floor cleaner. Writing floor, dirt, mower.

[Griffin McElroy]

Riding float. Riding floors, flow with boys. Riding in floors with boys.

[Justin McElroy]

Riding in floors with boys.

[Travis McElroy]

Yep.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think it's probably what it's called.

I know what it's called.

I bet you're not the first person who has had this experience at this school. And I bet you if you walk up to this custodian, hat in hand, like, you're not even going to be able to get two words out before the custodian will be like, I Know you felt you've got the itch. Now you've got something to prove. Go for it.

[Justin McElroy]

It's humiliating. Griffin. If this person had. I'm sure this person thought of. Just get over it and ask to do it again.

[Griffin McElroy]

I hope that crossed their mind.

I'm saying they will be. They will be delighted to shepherd another young pupil who is a teacher. But, like, in the ways of riding the floor rider, I bet they'll be stoked. It'll be like a little wink, like a little twinkle in his eye, like, yeah, I remember that fear. I felt it too. But now let's become bigger than it together.

[Travis McElroy]

I think that you have to take into consideration the gift that you're giving, because I think I'm not breaking any new ground here. When I say that often custodians are overlooked, underappreciated. The idea that you got onto this floor scrubber, this writing on floors with boys, was that it?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep.

[Travis McElroy]

Then couldn't handle the power. Must have been such a warm feeling of like, yeah, not everybody can handle this ride like I do. And then you're coming back and saying, like, I want another shot, please. Right, yeah. That's gotta feel good if you're the custodian.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's gotta feel good if you're the custodian. You're giving a great gift.

[Justin McElroy]

I just feel like you've proven that you're a liability. Well, yeah, you've proven that you can't handle the power. I mean, we got kids in this hallway, and you made it 10 seconds in before you flipped. Like, you think right now that you can handle it, But I bet before you tried the first time, there was no part of you that thought, what if I flake out after 10 seconds? That's true. I just don't know. I think maybe you owe it to yourself and to this person to try to get to know them as a person first. I think if the. If the first conversation you've had with them is again, they're going to see you as just conduit. They're using you for your machine. I think that you got to start building your confidence back up by just a daily exchange. Like, hey, I remember my humiliation. Yeah, I promise I'm not normal like that. I can do better, but I'm not asking for another opportunity. Like, just get to know him as

[Travis McElroy]

a person and maybe start living your life like someone who is ready for a zamboni ride again. Until the custodian, like, you just feel a tap on your shoulder and you're like, oh, yeah. And they're just like, you're ready.

[Justin McElroy]

They saw when you were ready before.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

They're going to know the time is right again.

[Griffin McElroy]

But now you've been cruising the halls in power wheels and you've been scooting around. Maybe during the class field trip, you bring the custodian and you guys go to play bumper cars and you see like, little things, little things that say, like, I can operate a small non standard vehicle and be trusted.

[Travis McElroy]

You made one out of a cardboard box and scooted around the floor in school after that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Start with hours, Start with a little box you scoot around with and write trash Zamboni on it so that he knows kind of the illusion you're trying to get.

[Travis McElroy]

And you've set up cones and you're weaving between them and you bump them and you get really upset, but you go back and you try again.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's the persistence he's looking for. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Here's a possibility. What if the next time you see them with the floor mop riding apprentice appliance, next time you see them rolling

[Griffin McElroy]

around, we just call it a Zumba? Like Zumba comes up with a fewer

[Justin McElroy]

syllable name for it. The next time you see him on the Zumba, dump a popcorn bucket on the ground. And then it's just like, well, this is humiliating. Please allow me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Because you know that I know, you

[Justin McElroy]

know, I know what I'm doing here. Now the bet that I'm making here is that they don't remember how bad you did last time. What I'm hoping is they only remember that you have driven it before. Right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

So when you're like, please allow me, this is my message. I couldn't ask you to clean this up. And then they'll like maybe let you take a shot at it before they remember how bad it went the last time.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can I season it? Can I season it a little bit?

[Travis McElroy]

The popcorn? The popcorn.

[Justin McElroy]

No, it's on the ground.

[Griffin McElroy]

The idea is very, very good. But if you just drop all the popcorn on the ground right there, the custodian's gonna say, just pick it up with your hands and throw it in the garbage can. However, if you please let me season it. If you walk by the custodian. If you walk by the custodian and then as you walk by him, you look down at your bucket and you say, oh, man, it has a goddamn hole in it. I've left a trail of popcorn down the hallway, around the corner, back into the cafeteria, like Jeffy forming a sort of, I Guess you could call it a course. It does go all the way around

the spot when the janitor said, clean it up with your hands. What am I? Am I a student? Am I an employee? What is his relationship to me that he looks at it, says, clean it up with your hands now. Okay, in your scenario, you were, like,

[Travis McElroy]

making eye contact with the custodian, dumping your popcorn on the floor.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, you. Absolutely. The cloaking was implied.

Of course.

You cloak it. Like, you don't make a big scene, man. Okay, but Juice, why that you do it in a stylish fashion.

Say the custodian says, yes. Hop on. Clean up your mess. You clean up your mess if you just dropped it on the floor. You have recreated the initial Zamboni scenario where they only rode it for a few feet before they got scared. If you create an entire beautiful course,

[Justin McElroy]

so what if you trip, like, up in the buck? Like, throw the bucket forward? Is that maybe something that's gonna be

[Griffin McElroy]

hard to do without being clocked for embellishment?

[Justin McElroy]

I feel like you.

[Griffin McElroy]

But if it turns out you have

[Justin McElroy]

a hole in your box, you're being intentionally obtuse right now. I feel like you understand the premise and you're just trying to shoot like, it could be anything. I was about to say you're trying to blow holes in it, but you're literally trying to poke holes in the bucke.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, the hole in the popcorn bucket, too. You can show them and be like, do you think this was, like, a penis joke thing? Like, this is scare you, and that'll endear you. Slipped back into the general sort of stack of popcorn buckets.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't know how these things start. Keep recirculating, guys.

[Griffin McElroy]

What a way to save a buck.

That's crazy.

[Justin McElroy]

My neighbor regularly comes out on his balcony and sings. He has a beautiful voice and I enjoy hearing it. Whenever I come outside to hear better, he stops. How do I tell my neighbor that I want to hear that thing? For reference, he sings R B Soul, and we are 25ft apart. Oh, boy. That's tough, isn't it?

[Griffin McElroy]

I feel like it's not for you. It's not for you.

[Travis McElroy]

Then why on the balcony?

[Justin McElroy]

Because it's for them.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, it's an Evita thing.

[Justin McElroy]

It's an Evita thing. It's for that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hello. Do you ever dress? You gotta address hello.

[Travis McElroy]

Why have you all done that?

[Justin McElroy]

Justin, we all.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hello.

[Justin McElroy]

Anytime you're elevated above other people in a fashion they did not expect is incumbent on you to stand above them and say, Hello.

[Griffin McElroy]

Greetings, subjects. Yeah.

Yeah, you have.

[Justin McElroy]

It's rude.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it's rude. Otherwise, what do you. I saw you up there. You just glanced down at me. What, you think I'm some sort of worm or dog?

Just pretend to be a little king for a second.

Pretend to be a little king for just a minute. It's good.

[Travis McElroy]

Can you yell encore?

[Griffin McElroy]

You can't yell anything. You can't encore. You can't. You have to hide. You can listen, crack a window, do something. But like, why do you need to be. Why do you need to see it? Why do you need to be closer to it? What is it making it better about it to be closer? Are you thinking, like, it's good for him that you've come out and now you're like, now you have an audience. That's good. Cause I don't think that's good.

[Justin McElroy]

He does it for money. You know that, right? This is his job. He can't give it away to you for free.

[Count Donut]

Right?

[Justin McElroy]

You understand? Like, you have to pay for the show. The show stops. Cause you came outside.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know, it's. How do you know singing's his job and he makes money for it?

[Travis McElroy]

No, what Justin's saying is, when you hear your neighbor singing, go to their front door, slide like a $10 bill underneath. Then you can go out on the balcony and listen all you want to. Cause you paid for the show.

[Griffin McElroy]

He's saying, okay, I might be.

[Justin McElroy]

We need to dig in a little bit now. Cause I've probably made an assumption here for reference. He sings RB soul. To me, if you have chosen a genre, then that to me communicates that you're a professional. I, as an amateur singer, will attempt all styles. And in my house, there are no limits. You know, I can sing whatever songs strike my fancy. I don't pick a genre and stick to it. Now, maybe this person just has a more specific music taste, but to me, they're a professional vocal stylist. That's. That's the impression that I get.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think that's an outrageous leap. I think. I think that is sound logic juice.

[Travis McElroy]

It's a shame that we used Phantom of the Opera for the trombone question recently, because this would be another. If you where to slink out onto your balcony like it was a box seat in the opera in full Phantom regalia, and you were to shout something like, sing for me, my angel of Music. He would have no choice.

[Justin McElroy]

I think what's hard, Travis, is like, we all would love a Phantom, wouldn't we? We'd all love a Phantom to come sweep. A Phantom.

[Travis McElroy]

Phantom.

[Justin McElroy]

Any fan. The Phantom. Any fandom. Just everybody wants a fandom to root for them and say, your talent, I

[Griffin McElroy]

want to kill you, because I love it so much. You know what I mean? Everyone wants that. Everyone. I dream that eventually I'll do a

[Justin McElroy]

podcast about dragons so good that someone

[Count Donut]

will come and say, I'm going to.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm going to. Hawk wants to do.

Okay, so hold on. I don't think the Phantom of the Opera wanted to kill.

[Justin McElroy]

I've seen Fam of the Opera, the Musical and the immersive version Masquerade, so be careful.

[Griffin McElroy]

So you're saying in Phantom of the Opera, the Phantom gets the opera singer down into the sewers and he's like, well, she has an angel. Time to drown you now, Christian.

[Travis McElroy]

Guess it's time for drowning.

[Justin McElroy]

No, she just, like, I'm sort of simplifying the plot for you a little bit. It's more complex.

[Travis McElroy]

He definitely wants to kill Raul, that's for sure.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, he's willing.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, I don't think he's being extremely cautious regarding Christine's safety.

[Justin McElroy]

Right, okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Right.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's fair.

[Travis McElroy]

Cause he doesn't have a Kroger, a Tesco down there in the sewer, so he's not even thinking. He's like, you're gonna come stay with me, angel of Music. And I guess God will provide our groceries.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, he does have to send the angel of Music.

She gets appendicitis. Yeah, she gets appendicitis act, too. And he's like, fuck, man.

[Travis McElroy]

Now he needs an angel of Medicine and has to go capture one of those.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or barring that, an angel.

Hey, Christine, could you become an angel of Doordash?

[Justin McElroy]

Because cash is running a little light

[Griffin McElroy]

down here, and I would love one

[Justin McElroy]

of us to pick up a job.

[Griffin McElroy]

And if you want to make this

[Justin McElroy]

work, and I know you don't, but

[Griffin McElroy]

if you do want to make this work, you've got to start bringing in an income, because I can't.

[Justin McElroy]

The music's not taken off yet.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know that it's not. You know that you got to get a job.

Sandwich from the Jimmy John's is here on your front porch. Do you guys think they'd hire. That felt really good coming out of me. Do you think they would hire me for, like, a whole run of just, like.

Only if you introduce yourself that way.

[Justin McElroy]

Hi, I'm Griffin McElroy, and Phantom Stuff

[Griffin McElroy]

feels really good coming up.

Feels really good coming out of me.

Which one would feel Good to ingest and also to expel from myself.

Uh huh.

Here it comes.

Billy Zane stuff, musical stuff. Whatever you need. I'll get the Phantom out.

[Justin McElroy]

Listen, if we're gonna pay for this reboot of Phantom of the paradise that I wanna bankroll, we gotta take a trip to the Money Zone.

[Travis McElroy]

How many phantoms are we doing?

[Justin McElroy]

I just wanted to get that one in there. Cause that's the only other one I know.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay,

[Montane (musician)]

It's better, it's better.

[Travis McElroy]

Listen, y', all, listen. I love all of our sponsors, obviously, because they pay me and I love that. I am a huge fan of Fast growing Trees, our sponsor this week. I have a fast growing tree in my front yard that is a flowering beauty. I love it very much. I also have a fast growing tree from Fast Growing Trees. It's a lemon tree that grows in my office and that.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've seen that lemon, dude. Holy shit.

[Justin McElroy]

Lemon's looking good. I got two apple trees that are doing beautifully. I'm happy to see those guys come back both from fast growing Trees.

[Travis McElroy]

This fast growing lemon tree has been working on this lemon in my office during the winter with such a little engine that could attitude that I was sure. For a while I thought that that lemon was purely decorative. And then it got a little sunny out. Boom. Yellow as the sun.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's how it works. Sucks it up. I love it. Sucks up that sunlight.

[Travis McElroy]

Did you know that Fast growing trees is America's largest and most trusted online nursery with thousands of trees and plants and over 2 million happy customers. They have all the plants your yard or home needs, including fruit trees, privacy trees, flowering trees, shrubs, houseplants, family trees.

[Griffin McElroy]

A tree for money.

What?

[Travis McElroy]

Sorry, what?

[Griffin McElroy]

It's like privacy tree, A tree for money. Sort of like private. Sort of like private dance. Private dancer. Dancer for money.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh yeah, like a. Yeah, they have giving trees. Listen, I'm a huge fan. I'm gonna get more from them because I like how fast these trees grow. It's not just the name, it's true. And now it's a name.

[Justin McElroy]

It's trees.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Wow, Justin, you blew my mind.

[Justin McElroy]

Thanks, man. Well, now you can blow your wallet at Fast growing Trees.

[Travis McElroy]

It's the perfect time to plant.

[Justin McElroy]

Now you can blow your wallet.

[Griffin McElroy]

Blow your wallet on plants.

[Travis McElroy]

Now you can blow your load.

[Griffin McElroy]

Great.

[Justin McElroy]

Blow your wallet on plants. Now's the perfect time to plant. They have great deals on spring planting essentials, up to half off on select

[Griffin McElroy]

plants and and listeners to our show

[Justin McElroy]

get 20% off their first purchase when using code. Mybrother at checkout. That's fastgrowingtrees.com code mybrother offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply.

[John Hodgman]

This is John Hodgman and Jan Navarney coming to you from the flight deck. Please be comfortable. We have now reached our cruising altitude.

[Jan Navarney]

That's correct. You are now free to listen to the latest season of E Pluribus Motto. As always, this season we'll discuss the Official models of U.S. states and territories for your enjoyment.

[John Hodgman]

Look out the window. You'll see local iconography and creatures of all sorts. It'll be discussed this season, including California

[Jan Navarney]

quails, Puerto Rican frogs, North Dakota horses, spiders of New Hampshire, and all manner

[John Hodgman]

of official and unofficial state cryptids. I've now turned on the enjoyment sign, so please start enjoying new episodes of Eat Pluribus Motto every other week on Maximum Fun. And we're wherever you get your podcasts,

[Jan Navarney]

sit back, relax and enjoy your listen.

[Maximum Fun Announcer]

Saginaw, Michigan. Galveston, Texas. Albany, New York. The twin cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul and Muncie, Indiana. We've just added these cities to the growing list of meetups on April 23 for Max Fun Meetup Day. Didn't hear your city or don't know where your local meetup is? Head to maximumfun.org meetup and we've got all the details there. And if you still don't see your city listed, host your own. Find somewhere. A park, library, cafe, bar, any public space a small group can hang. Then fill out the [e-mail] meetup and we'll add you to the page so other folks in your area can find you. That's maximumfun.org meetup. Hope to see you on April 23rd.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want to Munch Squad.

[Count Donut]

I want to Munch Squad. Welcome to Munch Squad. It's a podcast within the podcast, profiling the latest greatest in brand eating. And my name is Count Donut.

[Griffin McElroy]

You've had it pent up, haven't you, Count? You've been ready to roll it so bad.

[Count Donut]

So much wild, wild things happening in the world of donuts.

[Justin McElroy]

I've been waiting the cables down.

[Count Donut]

Thank you so much. Well, I've recently upgraded my friend Nate. He made me this. It's a. It's a cape vault. Stores, stores. My cape from cat piss.

[Griffin McElroy]

No cat can get in here.

[Count Donut]

This is Count Donut special bin. Thank you again, Nate, for this great bin. So no cats can piss on this

[Griffin McElroy]

when they do a charity estate auction of all of our sort of goods and memorabilia I think the Count Donut cape vault is going to bring in a healthy sum.

[Count Donut]

I will give you guys a secret about this doll and you must promise not to tell.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay? It's a little half cape. It's a half cape.

[Count Donut]

It's just a dickie.

[Griffin McElroy]

Just a little dicky of a dicky cape.

Yeah man.

They can't even.

[Count Donut]

Don't even want a piece of these gu.

[Griffin McElroy]

Too little.

Yeah, that's fine to piece.

You sure it's not a regular sized cape for like a very little child? Dracula.

[Count Donut]

No, there are no children Dracula's.

[Griffin McElroy]

We have standards.

Okay, cool man. Don't say. And don't say what the number you think it is. Don't say it.

[Justin McElroy]

You won't like it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let me say this. Okay, dude.

What's new in the world of donuts?

[Justin McElroy]

I do what I do.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Count Donut]

I do. I wanted to make sure that that. No, it's not just the accent. Duncan doesn't.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's I do just I letter I.

[Justin McElroy]

Duncan pops the question.

[Count Donut]

With Ido ring boxes, wedding cake munchkins and the Vero Wing bridal surprise for National Proposal Day.

[Griffin McElroy]

I say if Vera Wang shows up with any kind of donut related material, that will be a surprise indeed.

[Count Donut]

Duncan is marking the unofficial start of wedding season a little sweeter. Just in time for National Proposal Day. Oops, we missed it.

[Justin McElroy]

Who cares?

[Count Donut]

The brand is celebrating its new wedding cake munchkins, donut treats, and just for one day only, giving away a limited edition Ido ringbox, EPIP participating Dunkin locations worldwide.

[Travis McElroy]

National Proposal Day.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you see it?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I see it now.

[Travis McElroy]

National Proposal Day feels like an invention designed to make a large group of people sad. And that group is made up of many different people. You know what I mean? Like you wouldn't be able to nail it down just by guessing.

[Griffin McElroy]

If I got proposed to on proposal day, I would feel like such an asshole. You're just doing it for the. For the holiday.

[Travis McElroy]

But there are also people who would be sad they didn't get proposed to.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sure, Absolutely.

[Justin McElroy]

That's right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Absolutely.

[Count Donut]

It's a bad day. We can all agree, Duncan, love is always brewing. Well, it's not coffee, so I assume

[Griffin McElroy]

something was brewing in there.

[Count Donut]

Inspired by. That's right, I said it. Inspired by a season of proposals. Bridal showers, bachelorette troops and weddings. The Duncan ring box comes with wedding cake munchkin inside.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Count Donut]

For free.

[Travis McElroy]

Is there a ring inside that?

[Count Donut]

It's a glazed blueberry cake donut hole with wedding cake flavored sprinkles, vulgar Giving guests a fun new way to pop the question. Or celebrate life's sweetest moments or rescue themselves from some sort of insulin event

[Griffin McElroy]

that they're having that they need to reverse.

[Travis McElroy]

I'll tell you right now, if we could bottle the energy that would happen, the moment you would kneel down in front of your partner holding this pink box and open it up and there's a donut hole inside.

[Griffin McElroy]

The toxicity. The toxicity of that single, that second, that moment.

[Justin McElroy]

You have to hold up the box where it says Duncan on it.

[Count Donut]

You have to make sure they read like, look, read the letter. You see this right before I open it. You're looking at it the same as me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right?

[Count Donut]

Okay. Duncan and Vera Wang is inviting fans to say. I know. To help inspire unforgettable IDO proposals. Duncan and iconic bridal desire Vera Wang.

[Griffin McElroy]

Any thoughts on Vera Wang? Sort of. I mean, you're a stylish guy.

[Count Donut]

Yes, well, I know that she is currently serving as Duncan's chief proposal officer.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so you don't like, keep up necessarily with kind of bridal.

[Travis McElroy]

I also noticed Duncan there didn't specify marriage proposal. Is Vera Wang making business proposals on Duncan's behalf?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, she's their biz dev guy now. It's crazy.

I mean, probably pretty good at it. Yeah, I would assume.

[Count Donut]

I want you all to see this. This is Wild Griffin. Please read so they know I'm not joking.

[Griffin McElroy]

From March 20 to April 3, fans who incorporate the Duncan IDO ringbox into their proposal moment can enter the contest by posting their proposal video on TikTok Tik Instagram or TikTok or Insta Talk. Tagging at Duncan and at Vera Wang Gang and using the hashtag. Hashtag Duncan Vera Wang contest. That's a lot of business to put on your proposal. Man. That's a lot of business.

All of it.

[Count Donut]

It's a lot. It's a lot. You win an incredible trip to Vera Wang's flagship salon in New York or Beverly Hills in Griffin. What is this last little park?

[Griffin McElroy]

As a special finishing touch, Vera Wang will embroider the winner's Go to Duncan order inside the gown, ensuring they have something brewed for their big day.

[Count Donut]

My Go to Dunkin order is a doordash order to a better place.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a begrudging airport, like 6am Only thing open.

[Travis McElroy]

I need something to sustain my human body.

[Count Donut]

My Go to Duncan order is I

[Griffin McElroy]

order you to throw me out of here so I am not forced to

[Count Donut]

purchase to continue the celebration. There is a something brewed merch Collection. It's a merch collection with exclusive Vera Wang x Duncan pieces. You know what? Let's take a.

[Travis McElroy]

Let's. This is good because not only is the proposal covered, but outfitting your bridal party is also sore, dad.

[Count Donut]

Oh, boy, is that ever sexy.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a Duncan robe.

[Count Donut]

I do want this glass tumbler. Oh, here's the collection. Oh, they've got monogrammed.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, boy. Two of their clear beige beverages cheersing for their satin sleeves.

[Count Donut]

I've got to navigate away from this page before I do some very unfunny ordering on here.

[Travis McElroy]

That will take me into some.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it's not. We've talked about this before. It's unethical for you to spend Justin's money, Count Donut. You are on his.

It's really good, though.

[Count Donut]

Guys, look at the something old, something new, something borrow something brood.

[Griffin McElroy]

I feel like this is shit. Like this. It turns up at your manors on O Street. Like just the weirdest imaginable merch.

This is ephemera.

This ephemera is going to end up on ebay and it is going to accrue one more dollar in value over the next 50 years.

[Count Donut]

Get in early. So that's very exciting for them.

[Justin McElroy]

I hope.

[Count Donut]

I hope they're pleased with what they've done.

[Travis McElroy]

Have you ever been married, Count Donut?

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Good question.

[Count Donut]

Sorry, what?

[Travis McElroy]

Have you ever been married?

[Count Donut]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you ask me any other questions about that, you will have to go back and delete everything. Just leave it at yes and say, thank you so much.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you so much, Count Donut.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you so much. My pleasure.

Thank you.

I feel like when they do these contests and the way you enter the contest is just by tweeting, like, sure do love my Arby's. They still only get like 15 people that go in for it. Did anybody.

[Justin McElroy]

Did anybody participate in the last. The one that we were trying to

[Griffin McElroy]

get people to do last week?

[Travis McElroy]

Did anybody

[Justin McElroy]

cross connoisseurs?

[Griffin McElroy]

Connoisseur.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I meant to, but then I didn't and you won it. I'll try.

[Griffin McElroy]

Congrats.

That'd be a fun arc.

[Travis McElroy]

I got fired.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

This is. This is also, like, I don't know why. They're being extremely busy still in a munch squad, even in a Duncan related thing. I just got to like, they're becoming more of, like, a merch store than they are a donut place. And they're not even really a donut place by my reasoning. Like, it's a banana themed package. They're doing. And, like, they'll sell you a Dunkin Banana hammock. Like, they'll sell you a Dunkin Banana costume.

[Travis McElroy]

And an actual hammock.

[Justin McElroy]

And an actual hammock. Like a banana hammock. And a banana hammock.

[Griffin McElroy]

A copy of Bananagrams?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, a copy of Bananagrams.

[Travis McElroy]

They're a lifestyle brand is what it is.

[Justin McElroy]

It's more of a lifestyle brand.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

They're in the fulfillment business. They are of everything.

[Justin McElroy]

But you gotta act fast with these things because this. See this collection?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

It's already. It's like this gone. It's over. They're already in Vera Wang now. You can't even get this banana shit. It's already headed to the landfill.

[Griffin McElroy]

How about another question?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I love this one. I work at my local radio station as the quote news guy. There's currently a box of 24 ice cream drumsticks in my staff room freezer. I do not know to whom they belong, and I really want one. Brothers, what can I say on the mic to get whoever owns these things to give me an ice cream treat? That's from missing my mint chip in Manitoba.

[Travis McElroy]

Is it still sealed, do you think? We can assume it's still. If there's a box. If you say there's a box of 24.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Unopened.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, this is such an important distinction, Travis. Like, it's an incredibly important distinction.

[Griffin McElroy]

I have to imagine it's an individually wrapped scenario. I've never gotten a box.

[Travis McElroy]

Sure, sure, sure. But is the box opened yet?

[Justin McElroy]

This is what it's. I. 24 drumsticks. I feel like if it was opened. Why do you list the number? Because that's. Information is no longer relevant. Right.

[Griffin McElroy]

If it's opened and there's 24 in there, there'd probably be 23.

[Justin McElroy]

Right.

[Griffin McElroy]

If someone opened it and took one, broke the seal. 2318 is basically. 20 is basically the same number.

[Justin McElroy]

You could eat four or five.

[Griffin McElroy]

So you could eat four to five of them and probably get by scot free if there's only left.

[Justin McElroy]

That's really. That really is very applicable to drumsticks. If you have a big box of drumsticks.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And someone comes and eats. There's 24 in there. Someone comes and eats five drumsticks. Like, you sit there in a house, five of them, and someone's like, hey, do I need to order drumsticks from the next room? You're gonna look in that box and be like, absolutely not. We got a million drumsticks.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're so good on drumsticks.

We basically have infinite drumsticks still. Man, you can eat three or four

[Justin McElroy]

more drumsticks before you're even thinking about replenishment.

[Griffin McElroy]

As long as it's above half, you are golden.

[Travis McElroy]

Especially if they're consistent flavors and it's not like a mix of, like, there's some vanilla, some chocolate. Because if I get down to it, I'm like, where are all of the chocolate ones? Right? Like, that's off putting.

[Griffin McElroy]

Now. I will say, of all the disciplines of radio station sort of employees and hosts, news is not the pillar I would want you to be in to say something on the microphone to get an ice cream treat later. There is a certain seriousness to that job, and there's obviously very serious things happening all the time. And it would be tough to transition from literally any news story about anything that's happening in the world to. And in other news, Brian wants a creamy treat. Whoever.

If it was easy, they'd take it

[Justin McElroy]

to a different show, you know?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah. No, I guess that's. I guess I'm saying, like, can you change jobs? Can you be in sports? Commentators can say whatever the fuck they want whenever the fuck they want because they don't have to say that much stuff. It's like, oh, he's got it back in the blue line, and it went in. But like, the rest of the time, they can be like, do you see that new Jurassic World movie? I have? I've got some plot holes I found. Like, they can just say.

[Justin McElroy]

You can just start rambling about it in air. Like, two balls, one strike. You know, there's still that same box of drumsticks in the freezer, and I would love to touch one.

[Count Donut]

Two balls, three strikes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Those are your drumsticks, Bill.

Like, hey, Bill, are those your.

[Justin McElroy]

And he's out. He's hit by the pitch and he's bleeding. He's bleeding everywhere.

[Travis McElroy]

And if you don't call in in the next 20 minutes, I'm gonna eat one of those drumsticks.

[Justin McElroy]

They sent an ambulance out. I think he's dying.

[Travis McElroy]

He's been hit by pisses just like I'm dying for one of those delicious drumsticks.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is the worst thing I've ever

[Justin McElroy]

seen in 25 years of professional baseball.

[Griffin McElroy]

Broadcast the baseball hit him and his whole head came off.

[Travis McElroy]

There wasn't chocolate at the bottom holding his brain in, that's for sure.

[Justin McElroy]

There's only one thing I could think

[Count Donut]

of that would help me to erase

[Travis McElroy]

this terrible memory from my head.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, man, it's kids day too. Here at the ballpark.

[Count Donut]

Oh, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

Bill, are those your dippy bars or not? Bill.

[Count Donut]

If only someone would bring me a

[Griffin McElroy]

delicious ice cream treat. I think it would be quite a bomb for this troubled soul.

[Justin McElroy]

Just watched a man bleed out at home plate.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, he's walking it off.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck, he's walking it off.

[Travis McElroy]

Now I'm never gonna get an ice cream treatment.

[Griffin McElroy]

Tree's alive.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, no. He's doing the thing where he's walking off. Everyone's applauding.

[Griffin McElroy]

Big fucking deal.

[Travis McElroy]

Sorry for saying that on air.

[Justin McElroy]

They're asking me to leave.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I'm being fined.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm just gonna take the box with me. Actually, fuck you guys. I don't need this job. I'm a newsman, okay?

[Count Donut]

I don't even know why I got into sports.

[Griffin McElroy]

Just to get some ice cream treats. Fuck the McElroy brothers. What are they thinking?

This banana ball shit has gone too far. His whole head came off. I thought he was dead. God damn this trickery. Your jokes, it's so funny.

You could.

[Justin McElroy]

You could use the news to issue a product recall.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yes.

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

There couldn't be any negative ramifications.

[Griffin McElroy]

No, it's fine.

[Justin McElroy]

Like, listen, if you got this specific kind of drumstick, this is. Hey, folks, check your cupboards.

[Griffin McElroy]

We just got this across the.

[Justin McElroy]

The AP wire.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you have this specific MIT chip, you should call your office and say, throw it out. Just ask whoever's nearby. You know what? I'm gonna go check.

[Justin McElroy]

That's how serious I'm taking this.

[Griffin McElroy]

This recall only applies to my current zip code. And also, it says here, if you're. It says here, if you're a radioman, you're immune to the diseases in the ice cream. So if you're a radio man, a radio newsman, it says you can eat the dippy bars.

[Justin McElroy]

You don't have to eat them on premises. Griffin, you could. First of all, this radio station, there's probably one person there. It's probably just the one person working. So just take him out to your car, lease him in the cooler that you brought with you.

[Travis McElroy]

The perfect crime.

[Justin McElroy]

Perfect crime?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, perfect crime. Maybe introduce the story. Like. Tragedy struck today when newsman Bill got real hungry for the ice cream treat, but he was denied by morals, by common decency. Please call in and tell me I can have them.

[Griffin McElroy]

Steve.

[Travis McElroy]

Please.

[Justin McElroy]

Steve. What'll be sick is when Brian comes to you and is like, steve, I would like you to work on a story. I have recently had some drumsticks go missing from the Fridge. And I would like you to work on a story about that. And you can say. Cause you're the news guy, you can say, you know what? That's gonna be my top priority. And I'm gonna start investigating it right now. And I will not rest until we bust this thing wide open. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

First thing I'm gonna do is try.

[Count Donut]

I can't come up with any leads.

[Griffin McElroy]

Weird.

[Travis McElroy]

First thing I'm gonna do is I need to get in the head of someone who would commit a terrible crime like this. Four or five more. I mean, four or five new drumsticks that I have.

[Griffin McElroy]

Bring in another box. If you could bring in another box for me to look at, that would be so helpful. If you bring in another box and

[Justin McElroy]

leave it in the freezer, if you're

[Griffin McElroy]

the only one there, just trash the place on the way out, grab the whole fucking box, take it home, have a big party, eat them all. Next morning, you get a call like, hey, the radio station's trashed. And you say, yeah, it got airheads last night. Yeah, Adam Sandler showed up and Bren Fraser was there. And I think Steve Buscemi was there.

Yeah, man, he was, weirdly.

[Justin McElroy]

Harry Shearer.

[Griffin McElroy]

Actual guns. And they took all the dippy bars and they almost killed me.

[Travis McElroy]

Was it Harry Shearer? No, it was. No.

[Justin McElroy]

Harry Shearer was the pig In Wayne's World 2, the radio. God. That may be what I was thinking.

[Griffin McElroy]

Anyway, Michael McKean is who you're thinking of.

[Travis McElroy]

Thank you.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're welcome. You're free. Everyone's free. Thank you. Who else wants to hear us listeners at home? And here's a text. Here's a number that you can text or call, let us know what other obscure movies from the mid-1990s you would like us to talk about next. Spin the wheel.

[Justin McElroy]

I need some advice on how to get someone to let me ride in their motorcycle sidecar. It's one of my bucket list items that I want to ride in the sidecar of a motorcycle. I assumed not on the motorcycle itself, but in the sidecar.

[Griffin McElroy]

These are abundantly clear.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, they don't have a motorcycle their own. They don't know anyone who rides one. They need to ingratiate themselves to a group of trustworthy bikers and convince me to take them on a joyride in the sidecar. I'd be willing to bring my own leather goggles and fluttery white scarf. Thanks for your help. Ready for the road in northern Illinois? Let me help. First you gotta stop saying stuff like the white scarf. And the goggles. You know that's not right.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know that's not it. That's a joke for us, and we appreciate it.

[Justin McElroy]

If you say stuff like that or show up in it, they're gonna beat you up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. When you drive a car. When you drive a car, do you like to have a piece of tattered cloth whipping you in the face over and over? Because whatever you like in a car, they like it on a motorcycle, too. And they want to be safe out there and they want to be smart out there.

[Travis McElroy]

If you were going to provide anything yourself, I assume it would be the sidecar.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Because if they have a sidecar already, it's for their whimsical dog companion who's already wearing fun goggles in his car.

[Griffin McElroy]

For.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. You don't have an empty. You don't have a sidecar with no one and nothing to put in it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, I'll say this. If I had a bike, I would probably be stoked every time I had the sidecar on there. Cause it's like, now I don't have to balance as good. It's like, now it's a tricycle. Like, they won't say that.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, yeah. Cause you got more wheels.

[Griffin McElroy]

They can say, like, yeah, now it's a tricycle.

[Justin McElroy]

So that's.

[Griffin McElroy]

I prefer that.

[Travis McElroy]

It shouldn't be easy to take on and off the sidecar. Right. I want it pretty firmly affixed on there.

[Justin McElroy]

You just gotta get it professionally done, I would imagine. Yeah. Travel.

[Travis McElroy]

Because I don't want it to come loose. I have no steering capability. If I'm in the sidecar and we separate in a whimsical fashion, I've lost all control of the situation.

[Justin McElroy]

You go off while you're driving.

[Griffin McElroy]

You split a pole, split a street sign. You go zooming off. Now you're in car. Bad news. It's missing a lot of the key functionality that real cars have.

[Justin McElroy]

I do want to take issue with one part of this question where you said, I want to ingratiate myself to a group of trustworthy bikers. You're pretty picky for somebody that doesn't know any bikers or anybody with a sidecar. I think that trustworthy bikers aren't just gonna randomly throw strangers into their bikes and zip around town.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think you should be pretty happy with whatever bikers you could kind of secure.

[Travis McElroy]

You might even have a better chance at getting someone, you know, that makes poor decisions to get into motorcycle riding and buy their own sidecar.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And let you.

[Griffin McElroy]

I tell you this is gonna sound like self promotion. It's not, man. Is it just stowing away? Because they're not gonna check for that shit if you tuck in the side. They are not checking the sidecar for Tuckers. Definitely not before they hit the road. There's probably so stoked to get out there, they do not want to fall behind all their friends. They are not looking close in there.

[Justin McElroy]

Gotta check for Tuckers if you got it. If you got a sidecar check for Tuckers.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

That should be the first and last thing you do. Because you could get a tucker jump in there after you check the first time.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that's how. That's one of the best strats for sure. You don't get to sit up and enjoy it. Is the scarf part of it for you? You'll have to pay someone like a professional if the scarf and goggles is part of it for you. And don't get me wrong, it would be part of it for me. I understand the instinct. It's just gonna get your ass beat up.

[Travis McElroy]

Once they start going, you can untuck. Right? Because by the time they slow down to get you out of there, you've had your ride in the sidecar.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. I don't know how they all stay together.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, this is. Answer the Zumba question. A sidecar on the Zamboni.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep.

[Justin McElroy]

Shit, that's good, Trav. I gotta be honest with you. That'd be so good. Kids would love that too. What a great reward. We only have detention for kids. We gotta figure out ways of rewarding them.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, well, book it. Do they still do book it?

[Justin McElroy]

Only Pizza Hut does book it.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's bullshit.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, the school's outlawed.

[Count Donut]

It only books about pizza now.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, that sucks, man. There's so few good pizza based books. That's unfortunate.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, but I mean, if you look, it doesn't have to be. Reading is essential. I mean, it doesn't have to be a stumbling block.

[Griffin McElroy]

Only if you let it. There's just no pizza and Grapes of Wrath.

[Travis McElroy]

There could be.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's no Pizza and Grapes of Wrath. Okay, so we're talking about editing Grape Tomatoes of Wrath.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast, my brother, my brother and me.

[Travis McElroy]

It's called Crave New World.

[Justin McElroy]

If we had known how long we'd be doing it, we would have come up with a better name, I assure you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Trust me.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, yeah, I promise.

[Griffin McElroy]

We did not have any intention of

[Justin McElroy]

doing this for 16 odd years or

[Griffin McElroy]

else we would definitely. We would have worked a little harder on that part.

[Travis McElroy]

The dough also rises.

[Griffin McElroy]

The crust also rises.

[Travis McElroy]

I said the dough.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear it.

[Travis McElroy]

Because before, once it's crust, it's not rising anymore.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's a good point. The dough also rises Better. Yeah. Hey, thank you to Montane for the use of our theme song My Life is better with you. It's a great track that I always put on when I need just a boost. Oh, yeah, we got some new merch in the merch store too. Can I interest you in a 20? Make it stick enamel pin. Show your intensity this season with enamel pen. Based on our classic annual joke of make it stick. And 10% of all the merch proceeds this month will be donated to Border Angels. We got a newsletter too, over at Bit Ly McRoyNewsletter. You can find out about any events we have coming up. Follow our big projects and what have you and that would be cool. Or follow us on YouTube on the McRoy family.

[Travis McElroy]

I can't wait till we get our Ihear awards so I can throw it at the end of the episode.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that'll be a good one. I'll tell you, I'm running low on stuff I can chuck that's not gonna be.

[Justin McElroy]

I got a Courtyard by Marriott keycard I found in my wallet.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, shit. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how much baseball action you could give to that,

[Travis McElroy]

but you gambit that shit.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Can you gambit it and stick it into the insulation at the back of the room?

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, who better than me to gambit it?

[Griffin McElroy]

I want you to knock some. Take the headphones off. Cause I want you to like. Really?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. I want it clean.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want it clean. And throw it into frame. Don't throw it out of frame.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or the background.

[Justin McElroy]

Throw it at the back into the mic or the background.

[Griffin McElroy]

Throw it into the background noise. The background. Turn. Turn your body. Turn your body. Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hit fresh.

[Travis McElroy]

Pretty good.

[Griffin McElroy]

That was cool. It made a cool.

[Justin McElroy]

Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm Travis McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin McElroy.

[Justin McElroy]

This has been my brother. My brother, me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Kiss your dad square on the lips.

[Montane (musician)]

Is it better with you? My life, it's better. It's better with you.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's better My life,

[Montane (musician)]

it's better. It's better with you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it true?

[Montane (musician)]

It's better. It's better with two.

[Justin McElroy]

Maximum Fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

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