MBMBaM 808: Let Your Body Be the Dumpster

Summary

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My Brother, My Brother and Me Episode 808: "Let Your Body Be the Dumpster"

Aired April 6, 2026

Episode Overview

On this chaotic, prank-filled post–April Fool’s episode, the McElroy brothers—Justin, Travis, and Griffin—dive deep into sibling deception, children’s pranks, the ethics of candy stealing, the economics of egg shopping, and tongue pride. The episode’s playful spirit revolves around pranks both real and imagined, leading to sprawling discussions about parenting, personal habits, and the state of novelty food marketing. The trio's signature banter keeps the tone light, irreverent, and warm, offering relatable humor for fans old and new.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. April Fools' Day Fallout & Brotherly Pranks

• Meta-Pranking: The episode opens with multiple fake-outs and prank confessions, with layers of “it’s not a prank/but it is!” resulting in genuine confusion and laughter.
  • [01:47] Travis pretends he’s getting his vasectomy redone “for efficiency”—turns out it’s an April Fool’s joke.
  • [03:57] Griffin fakes a technical problem with recording, only to reveal it was an April Fool’s prank, possibly causing the brothers to actually lose the start of his audio.
• Kids' Pranks Recap: The hosts share stories of how their kids tried to get the jump on them with classic tricks (rubber snakes, pillow under the covers, Saran-wrap on toilet seats, Play-Doh turds).
  • [05:20] Justin relays that his daughter Charlie warned her mom about her “cornucopia of pranks,” including the Saran-wrap and faux poop.
  • [05:53] “I put... on Today’s calendar from 10 to 6, 'move Grandpa Dan into the playroom.'” — Justin [08:18], describing a grown-up subtle prank.

2. Candy: The Adult Dilemma

• Candy Theft Ethics: A listener question spurs discussion on adult guilt around sneaking children’s Halloween candy.
  • [10:53] “Snickers Fun Size Snickers bars are adult protein energy nuggets. And kids have no right.” — Griffin
  • [11:14] Travis celebrates adulthood’s main perk: “I can buy candy whenever I can have it… I don’t have to convince my dad anymore.”
• Philosophy of Candy: The brothers justify their sweet-snatching habits, pondering how candy morphs from childhood treat to adult comfort.
  • [12:03] “Candy doesn’t have to have a point. That’s why it’s candy.” — Justin, quoting (sort of) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
• Strategies & Rationalizations: Detailed breakdown of which candies are safest to poach, parental rationalizations (entropy, saving candy from the landfill), and bodily consequences when indulgence goes too far.
  • [13:43] “Let your body be the dumpster.” — Justin

3. Egg Carton Ethics

• A listener asks if it’s OK to build a “box of good eggs” by swapping out cracked ones at the store.
  • [18:41] The brothers agree: it’s a grocery taboo, and you can't be seen swapping eggs or you're implicated for the cracked ones.
  • [19:00] “The way you know that is when you go to Eggtown in the grocery store, they don’t hand you an empty carton and say, take your pick of our 12 finest.” — Griffin

4. Gaston Egg Deep Dive

• Extended riffing on Gaston from Beauty and the Beast eating 4-dozen eggs daily, the economics and gastrointestinal fallout, and the overlooked plight of the town’s chickens.
  • [21:14] “The woman goes to buy six eggs and they’re too expensive because Gaston suck[s] it down all day.” — Travis
  • [22:25] “Gaston shart so hard it creates two realities.” — Justin

5. Curious Tongue Anxiety (Dentist Segment)

• Listener laments their “curious tongue” that interferes with dental work.
  • [23:44] “My tongue’s doing its job. That tongue… is keeping its guard up.” — Travis
  • Spirited debate ensues on whether the tongue is actually the “strongest muscle” in the body.
  • [24:31] “If I had an arm-sized tongue, I’d be fucking cranking my head.” — Travis
• The trio commiserates over dental anxieties, praises the dentist’s latest tools, and imagines tongue distraction techniques (e.g., putting a tiny iPad in the mouth).
  • [28:00] Suggestions include dental anesthesia or simply giving up and letting the tongue “have a little butcher.”

6. Unhinged Rankings: Candy vs Weapons

• Extended bit: what are the power rankings of candy vs. bladed weapons vs. pens/guns?
  • [29:29] “I would say the power rankings for me go gun, obviously. Then below that tongue. And pin. Tongue is slightly above, but pin is…way, way higher up than swords.” — Griffin

7. Munch Squad – Real or Prank? (Novelty Food Marketing Breakdown)

• Justin presents a roster of real and fake novelty product announcements from food brands, rating them with the brothers.
  • [42:34] “We are going to rank the top 15 food brand jokes that dropped today for April Fool’s Day.” — Justin
• Highlights of Real/Fake Foods:
  • Pizza Cookie: Real—A sugar cookie with marinara, cheese, and mini pepperonis.
    • [39:53] "The Cub Zone starts with Lion Club's signature sugar cookie dough infused with Mikey's secret spice blend..." — Justin
  • Baby Bottle Pop Adulthood Survival collection (fiber, protein, salmon): Well-received.
    • [46:17] “Fucking good. Funny.” — Griffin
  • Bunch of Crunch Dispenser Experience: S-Tier as a prank (would actually want it).
    • [50:33] “Bunch of Crunch Dispenser Experience…funny words. Good idea.” — Griffin

8. Wrapping Up: Merch, YouTube, Community, and Thanks

• Plug for new April merch benefiting the Marsha P. Johnson Institute, shout-outs for their streaming and video content, and a reminder to follow the McElroy family on various platforms.
• End segment returns to sound-based shenanigans and goodbyes.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Sibling Prank Warfare:
  • [03:57] “April fucking fools. You guys, my shit wasn’t broken. It was a prank. […] So I’m like, three layers deeper than you fucking jabronis.” — Griffin
• On Adult Candy Consumption:
  • [12:03] “Candy doesn’t have to have a point. That’s why it’s candy.” — Justin
• Grocery Store Ethics:
  • [19:00] “You get what you get and you don’t get up. That’s the rules of eggs at the grocery store.” — Griffin
• Gaston/Beauty and the Beast Egg Logic:
  • [21:14] “The woman goes to buy six eggs and they’re too expensive because Gaston suck[s] it down all day.” — Travis
  • [22:25] “Gaston shart so hard it creates two realities.” — Justin
• On the Tongue:
  • [23:44] “My tongue’s doing its job. That tongue…is keeping its guard up. Right. Fighting off invaders.” — Travis
• Theory of Parenting ‘Candy Theft’:
  • [16:37] “Let your body be the dumpster.” — Justin
• Munch Squad (Brand Pranks):
  • [46:17] Baby Bottle Pop’s “salmon” variety: “Fucking good. Funny.” — Griffin
  • [50:33] On the Bunch of Crunch Dispenser: “Funny words. The words. Bunch of Crunch Dispenser. Experience. That’s funny also. Good idea.” — Griffin

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Sibling Pranks & Technical Japes: 01:37 – 04:31
• Kids’ Pranking Stories: 04:31 – 09:28
• Candy Philosophizing & Theft: 10:05 – 17:54
• Egg Ethics & Gaston Riff: 18:02 – 22:32
• Tongue & Dentist Q&A: 23:36 – 30:28
• Candy/Weapon Rankings & Tier List Bit: 29:29 – 31:16
• Munch Squad/April Fools Brand Roundup: 38:01 – 54:39
• Closing Merch & Community Segment: 55:56 – 56:44
• Goodbyes and End Theme: 58:18 onward

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Episode Tone & Language

The McElroys keep it loose, irreverent, and deeply playful throughout. Their conversations veer between sincere parenting advice, unfiltered sibling teasing, and meta-jokes about podcasting itself. Expect language, running gags, and plenty of self-referential asides—classic MBMBaM energy.

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In Short...

If you need a hilarious escape, a reminder of how confusing April Fool’s can be, or just want a celebration of the absurdities in parenting, snack-eating, and buying eggs, this episode is a classic in-their-element McElroy experience.

Transcript

[Griffin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

[Theme Song / Chorus]

It's the start of something beautiful A

[Travis McElroy]

small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into

[Theme Song / Chorus]

a precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life. It feels like life is. Ah, it's better. It's better with you My life is. It's better. It's better with you this is true. It's better. It's better with two.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello everybody. Welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the Modren era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What up Trav nation? It's me, your middlest brother, Travis. Big Dog.

[Justin McElroy]

Wolf.

[Travis McElroy]

Wolf Room. Vroom. The heater award winning McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's up TravNation? It's be your sweet baby brother, Davis McElroy. I get it. April Fools. April Fools. You guys, guys, it's me. It's fucking me. Griffin.

[Travis McElroy]

In all seriousness, no April Fool. I have a big announcement.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is not an April Fool.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Gonna get my vasectomy redone.

[Griffin McElroy]

Redone?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Not re.

[Justin McElroy]

No. Wait, sorry.

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Justin McElroy]

Is this a joke?

[Travis McElroy]

Well, I think I could streamline the whole process and mostly it's for efficiency. Is that right now I feel like the way that it was done wasn't that efficient. April Fools. You guys, I'm not getting my vasectomy redone.

[Griffin McElroy]

What the fuck, man?

[Justin McElroy]

It's not anything. You're worse than my teeth.

[Griffin McElroy]

What the fuck, man? Why would you. Why would you. First of all, why would you say that it was not a prank? Only to. Only to twist it like.

[Justin McElroy]

Like I actually.

[Griffin McElroy]

And to do it about something like really sensitive and like when we talk about our sectos to each other, like that's important brother stuff and it feels like you've made a joke of it and all of us.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, then I. Then I will get it redone. Since I made the joke saying you'll get it redone, I will.

[Griffin McElroy]

Now it makes it sound like you got it reversed and now you're. And now you're getting it unreversed and I don't see a scenario where.

[Travis McElroy]

No, that's not happening. I just think it could be sportier.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Sleeker, more aerodynamic.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't. Because it was a goddamn prank. Joke on us.

[Travis McElroy]

But now I'll do it. Seriously, because you're so mad. And I want to fix the wrist.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want you to get your vasectomy done. I don't want you to. I don't want anything to happen to you down there.

[Travis McElroy]

I could get the other one done. I just had one ball done the first time. I'll get the second ball done to even it out.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, guys, give me a sec. Guys, give me a second. My recording stopped for some reason. Are we recording the backup?

[Justin McElroy]

We are, yes. What I would probably do, Griff, is just

[Travis McElroy]

start again and recount.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah. Or however you want to do it. I'm gonna keep ours going. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, for sure. Sorry. Yeah. I don't know how that happened, guys. This is not April Fool. Sorry. I know it seems like it is. It seems like this might be, like, a really choice April fool, but it's not. My shit really stopped.

[Justin McElroy]

Let me know when you're ready.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay? I am ready. This is fucked up. Guys. This is not a prank. This is for real. My shit froze up. And stop. And so I don't have.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, let's count. Okay. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

[Griffin McElroy]

April fucking fools. You guys, my shit wasn't broken. It was a prank. The entire time you said it wasn't, but now actually. But actually, what I just did was the prank, because I did not. I did. I don't know if I even started my recording, if I'm being honest with you guys. So if I sound different now than I did for the first three minutes, it is because I did lose my. That audio. And we did have to take the backup, but now it's different. So, like, it was. It was not a prank. Me saying it was a prank was a prank. So I'm like, three layers deeper than you fucking jabronis.

[Travis McElroy]

This morning, my kids came in at like, 6:15 in an attempt to prank us. They were going to put some, like, rubber snakes and worms on Theresa's face, but they kicked something. They kicked something as they came in and we woke up. But here was a little prank I played where I only woke up about 60% and heard we were going to prank you. And then I went back to sleep. But the end result of this was by the time I did get up at 6:45 to get them up and ready for school, they were ready for school. They were ready to go.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And I was like, this is the best prank ever.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Anytime you guys want to wake up early, minus the rubber snakes and worms on your mom's face, I would even take that. Just up if you're getting ready to go.

[Griffin McElroy]

If you're getting such a jump on it.

[Justin McElroy]

I would love that prank.

[Griffin McElroy]

I would love that prank.

[Justin McElroy]

That prank sounds so good. That prank sounds great. Here's the pranks that I woke up to today. First of all, Charlie warned Sidney about her, quote, cornucopia of pranks. So that kid's already sunk. She's going to be a nerd no matter what I do. The die is cast. But they had set up a, quote, cornucopia of pranks that began with Sidney went in to wake them, and they had put pillows under there and hidden in the bathroom to scream at her when she went to. Which is good.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's good.

[Justin McElroy]

That one I heard about while I was showering. She was reporting this to me. I was like, that's good. Good prank. I like it. And then I go into the bathroom adjacent to the kitchen, and they have covered the toilet with Saran Wrap.

[Griffin McElroy]

Not as good. A little yucky, that one. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

But Cooper's made a turd out of Play doh. And put it on top.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's awesome.

[Justin McElroy]

Which is a real thinker at this point. A thinker and a stinker of a prank. Cause it's like a floating turd.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. That might make you scared. Like it's a ghost poop that's gotten into your shirt.

[Justin McElroy]

And then they're both like, they really need something out of the fridge instantly. Both definitely need something out of the fridge. And I open the fridge, and there's a picture of a scary girl that they've dropped.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I open it.

[Justin McElroy]

It's like, I know somebody wants me to do something to this.

[Travis McElroy]

The reaction is someone wants some kind of reaction.

[Griffin McElroy]

Did you find it? Did you find it inside yourself?

[Justin McElroy]

The correct afraid. And then Cooper's like, I want chocolate milk. And then I was like, okay, we wouldn't normally do that, but I see where this is going. And then as I'm about to unscrew the milk, they're both looking at me like, here it goes. Awesome. And then when I go to open the door, there's like, just shit on the handle. And they're like, yeah, we put some stuff on there, too. It's like, just, like a fucking bonus. And then I realized every handle in the fucking house has this stuff on. It has. What is some sort of. It's like some sort of jelly, like, substance.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Some sort of jelly.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, they put jelly on it. Careful. What a full circle.

[Justin McElroy]

I now write, children will jelly. They also. They've dyed the milk blue, which is fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

A prank on them more than anything. It sounds like.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, they just wanted me to. Here's my favorite prank. They've done this every year. They take all the cushions off the couch and throw them on the floor.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's so fucking frustrating. And good. Harmless in the real Jackass shit.

[Justin McElroy]

Real.

[Griffin McElroy]

Absolutely harmless and harmful in equal measures. Really good stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Do you guys remember that episode where Bam Margera took all of his parents cushions off the couch and then they watched two security cameras while the parents came home and they were like, oh, Bam.

[Griffin McElroy]

Jumped in there again. He jumped in there. He just started slapping his dad's belly over and over and over and over again. How come all of his pranks end that way?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, the. Yeah, mine just end with messes that I have to clean up later. I did one. I did one prank to my kids, and they didn't even find it. I put. We have, like, a fam. I build a DAC board, and it's got, like, the family calendar on a screen. And I added to Today's calendar from 10 to 6, move Grandpa Dan into the playroom.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I was really choice.

[Justin McElroy]

I know, it's so funny.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's still time. I mean, there's still time for them

[Justin McElroy]

to discover this, but by the time they get home from school, it will have passed. You know, like, they needed to look

[Travis McElroy]

at it as Grandpa Dan.

[Griffin McElroy]

What?

[Travis McElroy]

Move Grandpa Dan in while they're at school and rehearsal and stuff.

[Justin McElroy]

Stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

And then when they're like, what? Why is Grandpa Dan living in the playroom? You could be like, I put it on the calendar.

[Justin McElroy]

Sorry, Trav. How would I get in touch with Grandpa Dan?

[Travis McElroy]

I do not have that man's phone number. I forgot.

[Justin McElroy]

How would I. How on earth would I begin to approach Grandpa Dan about his participation in this? That man doesn't participate in Sunday dinner conversation. I'm going to rope him into a grift.

[Travis McElroy]

I forgot that Grandpa Dan went no contact with you, Justin.

[Justin McElroy]

No, that's not true. I helped him set up his email eight years ago.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think mine didn't do any pranks at all.

[Travis McElroy]

I brought him a. Wait, no, no, hold on.

[Justin McElroy]

I brought him a COVID test 18 months ago. I remember that now. I was at his house by myself.

[Travis McElroy]

Did you have a little note, like, pinned to your shirt? I was like, grandpa Dan, this is Justin. You know him? You can accept a COVID test from him. It's safe.

[Justin McElroy]

I've tried to cut back on candy as I get older, but I've run into a problem. I can't stop sneaking a piece from my children's very large stash of candy that they've accumulated from Halloween, birthday parties, et cetera. If they haven't put it away and I have to do it for them, that's my perfect opportunity to sneak a fun size pack of Sour Patch Kids, Twix or otherwise.

[Griffin McElroy]

Perfect the perfect amount. The perfect fun size should be called adult size because it's the perfect amount for a grown up kid.

[Justin McElroy]

Edward Norton says in the SNL skit they call it fun size. No argument here. They mostly don't notice, but sometimes I have to pretend I don't know where the pack of Rolos they wanted to try has run off to. How can I curb this behavior and stop crushing the sugar filled dreams of my children? Also, what are your top five candies to sneak out of your children's supply? That's from crushing candy in California.

[Griffin McElroy]

Snickers Fun Size Snickers bars are adult protein energy nuggets. And kids have no right. My kiddos don't like them and so I feel zero guilt reaching in and grabbing these perfect, perfectly mouth sized Go Go bars. That's like number one.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. My kids, there's something about like the nugget in there, you know, there's the peanuts in there. So like not all bits, but if it's like, whoa, somebody tried to throw like a trap into my candy bar and now there's like a crunchy thing, they're not gonna go for it. And that's my favorite thing.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's my favorite is the crunch. Daddy loves the crunch and needs it.

[Travis McElroy]

I will also saying you're an adult so you have to cut back. I understand health and whatnot, but one of my favorite things about being an adult versus a child is I can buy candy whenever I can have it. I go to the store. I don't have to convince my dad to let me get candy anymore. I could just do it.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's why you're a number one candy boy.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. There's no pro. I've really recontextualized candy for myself, guys. Cause like I feel like I went through a long time kind of avoiding candy thinking as a childhood thing that's best days are behind me. But as young Freddie Highmore reminds us in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, candy doesn't have to have a point. That's why it's Candy. You know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

Like, you can just take that again. You were close on candy. Can you give me just one more read?

[Justin McElroy]

Candy doesn't have to have a point. That's why it's candy.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's good.

[Justin McElroy]

And I feel that way now. I'll just, you know. You don't need a reason.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, if they have reasons, I'll eat it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Reasons help.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'll do it.

[Justin McElroy]

All that chocolate and all that chew. Absolutely. That's never in Halloween. Candy I would absolutely pummel. Anyway, I feel like if there's no reason to ever eat candy, right? Candy doesn't have to have point spice candy. No reason to ever eat candy, then there can't be a reason to cut back.

[Travis McElroy]

Yep.

[Griffin McElroy]

Mm. Good.

[Justin McElroy]

Right? There's no reason in the first place.

[Griffin McElroy]

There's no behavior to nullify. There. You're saying because you don't need a. You don't need a reason to eat candy.

[Justin McElroy]

You just see some candy and you're like, fuck it. Fuck it. I eat a candy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Go for it.

[Travis McElroy]

In my younger days, when I was in college. Life's hard. When I was in college, in my 20s, I consumed a lot of alcohol. Yeah, right. I don't do that anymore.

[Justin McElroy]

Exactly the same.

[Travis McElroy]

No, I don't do that anymore.

[Griffin McElroy]

Exactly.

[Justin McElroy]

100% the same, but the same as candy.

[Travis McElroy]

Let me finish my point, you monsters. I don't do that anymore because if I.

[Justin McElroy]

The TikTok already ended.

[Travis McElroy]

Sorry, Trevor. I'm sorry, man. They started swiped up.

[Justin McElroy]

Damn it.

[Griffin McElroy]

The wheel. You know how the wheel goes around? Like, we pushed it. I'm sorry.

[Justin McElroy]

No, but okay.

[Travis McElroy]

You used to be like, if I have a glass of wine, nine times out of ten, my body's like, headache time. Right? That doesn't happen with candy, right? So my body is telling me, hey, candy is way better. Right? There's so many worse things that I could put in my body. I can't cut back on everything at once.

[Griffin McElroy]

One time. This is cute and everything. One time I ate a five pound bag of Swedish fish over the span of about a month and a half because someone sent it to our P.O.

[Justin McElroy]

box.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I consumed so much paraben wax that my body became a candle factory. And it fucked up my system so bad that now when I eat too much candy, it does make me feel very sick. And I know that that's like, my whole fucking thing around these parts. So, like, for me. Go ahead, Trav.

[Travis McElroy]

There's obviously an in between. Griffin, you realize that, right? Like, get yourself a candy bar.

[Justin McElroy]

There's the other side of this. Janus. Hi, Janus.

[Griffin McElroy]

Ah, Janus.

[Travis McElroy]

Ah, Yanos.

[Justin McElroy]

He's got me again.

[Griffin McElroy]

Serpent.

[Justin McElroy]

The other side is. I have had. I have kept bags of Cadbury mini eggs in my freezer long as the risen Savior. And I. And I'll develop a sort of emotional dependence on them in a way that

[Travis McElroy]

I know can't be good.

[Griffin McElroy]

Good.

[Justin McElroy]

And will send me looking for them in May, which I am certain is not right.

[Griffin McElroy]

In many ways, you've given.

[Justin McElroy]

I do understand the idea.

[Griffin McElroy]

In many ways you've given Condi a point. Their juice. And I feel like maybe even when you give Condi a point, it. That's when it turns on you. It must be.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dependence on maybe. Is it too much of a point?

[Travis McElroy]

Who among us has not eaten a family sized bag of Mini Heath bars in one sitting to a point where they've given themselves so much jaw soreness and damage that they might have to seek out a dentist appointment? It happens.

[Justin McElroy]

Candy, that's. That's one of the best things about candy is when your body starts rejecting it. Like they call it a jawbreaker because your body's like, what the. What are you doing?

[Griffin McElroy]

Too big. Crazy.

[Justin McElroy]

You're going to gnaw on this and grind your teeth down until it's at a point where I can perfectly choke on it.

[Griffin McElroy]

What is wrong with you?

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, look, here's a question.

[Griffin McElroy]

Your priority needs to be not getting caught because kids fucking hate when you take their stuff. They hate that shit so much. Start out with the fruity Tootsie Rolls. Start out with your Jolly Ranchers. Things that don't carry a huge footprint. If you eat a whole bag of Skittles, they will notice that that is missing. That's too big of a footprint. They can see that sh. From the top looking down into the barrel. Into the barrel. The barrel of candy that you have.

[Travis McElroy]

For some reason, my kids, only when it comes to candy collected in the wild, say, gravitate towards the fruity, the sour. Right. Versus the chocolate. So like that. Especially the weirder chocolate. The weirder chocolate candies is usually safer, but I am at one stage, a certain maturity has reached for the candy. You're gonna lose some to entropy anyways. Sure, right? So me eating some of it is really just keeping it out of the landfill.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's a really good point. That's really nice.

[Justin McElroy]

Let your body be the dumpster.

[Griffin McElroy]

We've talked a lot about candy recently.

[Justin McElroy]

We're kind of, I think about. I've been Thinking about candy a lot lately. I just think it's great, you know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

Like, yeah, all three candy boys.

[Justin McElroy]

Candy is also better now than it ever has been. And that is something that's tough with. Like when we were growing up, there was time to find a candy and really fall in love with it. And I feel like these days science is working so fast and TikTok is working so fast. The candies are like wild, man. They like emotional candies like, like if you've seen like Dubai chocolate, that's a chocolate that takes you on an emotional journey where you feel like you're eating dusty cotton candy halfway through. You know what I mean? And it's like. But it's good in a weird way.

[Travis McElroy]

Experiential.

[Justin McElroy]

And then it's. Yeah, yeah. And you feel at the end of it like you've been somewhere.

[Travis McElroy]

It's like Disney soaring.

[Griffin McElroy]

It takes you off.

[Travis McElroy]

You didn't move, but you went somewhere.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, exactly. It's transportative.

[Griffin McElroy]

It used to be back in the day, you'd get real into Cream Savers and then they stopped making Cream Savers. And then you'd be like, well, I guess I'm done having Cream Savers. But now anything's possible. Like you can get. There's a. There'll be some store, some boutique store that's like, we still do Cream Savers. We still do taste stations. We. With all of that stuff, nothing, nothing can. Nothing will ever die.

[Travis McElroy]

Beautiful.

[Griffin McElroy]

Candy's good.

[Justin McElroy]

Beautiful, man. I was at my local sprouts the other day buying eggs. What's sprouts? Is that grocery store, I guess.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

My tongue seems to have a mind of its own and follows the. Nope. I was at my local sprouts the other day buying eggs. I looked through.

[Griffin McElroy]

I kept licking them. I licked all, every egg in the goddamn store.

[Justin McElroy]

Like I was eating egg in the thing. I looked through three cartons and each one had one to two lightly cracked eggs. I realized it would be pretty easy to swap out some uncracked from other cartons for the cracked ones and even to fix up the other cartons as I went. I started to swap cracked out for uncracks. And then I realized in the time it had taken me already there were other patrons watching, waiting for their turn with the eggs. I grabbed my now pristine cart and scurried away. Is it okay to build myself a box of good eggs?

[Griffin McElroy]

And it's oh man.

[Justin McElroy]

Just when I think. Just when I think we've answered them all. Okay, can I just say I'm not

[Travis McElroy]

gonna finish the question.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. You know the answer is no, right?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. You know it. You know that to me, the way

[Griffin McElroy]

you know that, the way you know that is when you go to Eggtown in the grocery store, they don't hand you an empty carton and say, take your pick of our 12 finest.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, make your own six pack.

[Griffin McElroy]

You get what you get and you don't get up. That's the rules of eggs at the grocery store.

[Travis McElroy]

Now do you boys check them? Do you check. You check them though, right? Every time. In this economy, I mean in any economy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I do think our mother probably ingrained in us that behavior. I checked that shit 10 times out of 10. Got to.

[Travis McElroy]

But if I find it crackling, I put it back. I just put that carton back.

[Griffin McElroy]

You'll find one.

[Travis McElroy]

And I can't look until I find the shinies. You know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, keep digging. Dig down. They're in there.

[Justin McElroy]

Find a better one. I mean, you can't do this. You can't do this because the moment perception is reality to a certain point. And if another patron sees you place a cracked egg into a carton, you have, for all intents and purposes, broken that egg.

[Travis McElroy]

Like you've put a broken.

[Justin McElroy]

You've done it. You're culpable. Now you've got. There's egg on your hands.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, this is also how you get a rush on things, right? People see this happening and then just somebody else like, hey, this guy's taking

[Justin McElroy]

all the good eggs.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, he knows there must be

[Justin McElroy]

some kind of problem. Hey, we're running out of eggs, everybody, quick.

[Travis McElroy]

Gaston came to town. He's eaten four dozen eggs every morning to help him get large. Get this guy.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you think he would show up at the end of the day, be

[Griffin McElroy]

like, if you have any dirty cracked

[Travis McElroy]

ones, I just need them.

[Justin McElroy]

Listen, they're so expensive. If you have any dirty cracked ones, I'll eat those.

[Travis McElroy]

I went to buy six eggs, they're too expensive. Please, Del.

[Justin McElroy]

But he, Gaston is 100% a Trump voter and is 100% complaining the most about the rising cost of eggs.

[Griffin McElroy]

Uh huh. And it's never, never betwixt the fish and the twain, Never.

[Travis McElroy]

He inflated the price in this town. He's eating four eggs every morning.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, right.

[Travis McElroy]

From a town where they're not. This is an old timey French drastic town. They're not shipping and refrigerated egg. The chickens are doing their goddamn best.

[Griffin McElroy]

They're doing their best, man, they are so tired These chickens I don't like.

[Travis McElroy]

The woman goes to buy six eggs and they're too expensive because Gaston suck it down all day. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

That's not headcanon. She says eggs are too expensive. And Gaston later says, I eat 50 eggs a day.

[Travis McElroy]

Rounding up.

[Griffin McElroy]

You can safely round up my number of morning eggs to 50. It is not covered in the lyrics of the of the work. But I do have to imagine that no one farts like Gaston. 50 eggs, 50 eggs is going to become something else in you every day. 50 eggs. That's so much eggs, my man. Who's the real beast? One of them's farts takes two and a half minutes to come out. Who's the real beast again? Remind me.

[Travis McElroy]

One of them was kind of rude to a witch who showed up in his eyes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

When he was having a kick ass

[Griffin McElroy]

party and a stranger's like, let me in your house. And he was like, no.

[Travis McElroy]

And he was like, no, I don't think so. It was like, boom. You're a beast now until you find love. Meanwhile, Gaston is killing a generation of future chickens.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

He's wiping them out single handedly. And the witch is like, keep it up, big guy.

[Justin McElroy]

Gaston shart so hard it creates two realities.

[Travis McElroy]

Crevo shat and did not shit.

[Justin McElroy]

It fractures.

[Travis McElroy]

Throws darts like Gaston or breaks hearts like Gaston or lets out all those terrible eggsharks like Gaston.

[Griffin McElroy]

I feel like time is such a flat circle and we've been doing this show so long that I feel like we've written an entire Gaston shitting song before.

[Travis McElroy]

I feel like almost certainly.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I feel like we've ramped into. What is the toilet like in the Beast Mansion? That is a lot. Like there's this. We definitely hit those notes in situations like this. I only pray it's been more than 50 episodes and this was not like something we did three months ago. Because that's happened in the past and that's not good for the old psyche.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I kill toddlers whenever I fart. Thank you, Gaston.

[Travis McElroy]

He's full of Gaston, that Gaston. That's how he got the name Gaston. That's how he got the name.

[Griffin McElroy]

He rips on you, he says, you got Gaston. And then he can I have what

[Justin McElroy]

I call a curious tongue. When I go to the dentist, my tongue seems to have a mind of its own and follows the dental tools around my mouth trying to see what is going on.

[Griffin McElroy]

Awesome.

[Justin McElroy]

I feel embarrassed that if I let my guard down, my tongue starts wandering towards the scraper and getting in the Way of the cleaning. What should I say beforehand or do if it happens again while I'm getting my teeth cleaned? That's from licky Lucy in SoCal.

[Travis McElroy]

This happens to me right here. Got a big tongue. So I had to get a cpap. My dentist. My dentist. In the middle of this, like three hour full work, like clear of my schedule, I gotta do this boy's crowns and cavities. My dentist was getting mad at my tongue. And here's what I'll tell you. My tongue's doing its job. That tongue. You're not letting your guard down. Your tongue's keeping its guard up. Right. Fighting off invaders. That's what your tongue should be doing.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep. We were all.

[Travis McElroy]

It's your strongest muscle, your tongue balls.

[Justin McElroy]

People say that the tongue is the strongest muscle, but I don't think it's right. Because if you think about how arms lift up weights and tongue count many heavy weights, and if you attempted that with your tongue, it would be impossible. So I don't think that's right. And the legs are muscles that keep up the body and that is quite a task. Don't think the tongue.

[Travis McElroy]

A tongue can start a war or make peace. Can your arm muscles do that?

[Justin McElroy]

The penis mightier kind of deal then I'm with you on that. But can your arms start a war?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's beside the point. My tongue can't pick stuff like my tongue can't pick up a head.

[Travis McElroy]

I can whistle with my tongue.

[Griffin McElroy]

Look at the size of the arm muscles.

[Justin McElroy]

Even bigger. Like, look at the size of the arm muscle versus the tongue.

[Travis McElroy]

But per inch. If I had an arm sized tongue, I'd be fucking cranking my head.

[Justin McElroy]

But you know, you say that per inch, but tongues aren't that size, are they? I mean, they aren't.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, they stretch down. I have a lot of inner tongue, so. They do.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Don't know how far.

[Justin McElroy]

One Oreo mini is an extremely satisfying dessert if it's very, very, very large. Much larger than a regular Oreo. Yeah, that's not true. Saying it does not make it so,

[Griffin McElroy]

you know, it's interesting your tongue's interested. It doesn't often have visitors in there. It doesn't often have pokey poke. Like you don't often put mirrors in your mouth to like chill for a bit. So, like, of course your tongue's interested. It's curious. It's curious and that's good for it.

[Travis McElroy]

Also, the rest of the time, I would say the amount of time, the percentage of time I spent a day actively Thinking about what my tongue is doing and controlling it is very, very small. Yeah, maybe, maybe 20% of the time I'm thinking about my tongue actively.

[Griffin McElroy]

20%.

[Travis McElroy]

So the idea that it's like, right now, you need to have full, complete control over what your tongue's doing. Yeah, it's not possible.

[Griffin McElroy]

Cut yourself some flowers.

[Travis McElroy]

Talk to my speech therapist from elementary school.

[Griffin McElroy]

She'll tell you.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, it is also, I think, not your fault if the dentist is doing very interesting things, because it used to be all scrapers and pointy edges. And it's fair play to keep the tongue away from there. But lately there's a lot more interesting lasers and lights and.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, man, I don't know if you've

[Justin McElroy]

noticed some of this.

[Griffin McElroy]

And those mouth vacuums are getting stronger every year.

[Travis McElroy]

Taking tasers, doing scans.

[Justin McElroy]

There's a lot of interesting stuff happening over there.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm not even thinking.

[Justin McElroy]

I think that the tongue deserves a little butcher.

[Griffin McElroy]

I am often averse to going to the dentist, mostly just from a very childish sort of anxiety about it. I will cop, too, but I do kind of constantly wish I had one tube going in this side of my mouth, squirting my mouth with water always. And then one tube in the other side of my mouth, sucking that water out.

[Travis McElroy]

A Fremen suit.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like a Fremen suit. And I don't have to swallow. I don't have to, like, do any of that shit. It's just like the good, wet, refreshing feeling of in my mouth all the time without me having to do fucking anything to get it. That's awesome.

[Travis McElroy]

I think that if your tongue is curious, you're not gonna stop it from poking around. That's why I distract my tongue with a little iPad in there. While they're working on this side, my tongue's watching YouTube shorts over here. Keep it distracted, keep it out of the way.

[Griffin McElroy]

Doing tricks you could do.

[Justin McElroy]

Overactive Puppy Rules and just be like, listen, just let him get a sniff around, put the tool in for a couple minutes. Just let him get a good. Like, get him get a real good sense of the whole thing. Then he won't be interested. He'll lose interest. But you do gotta let him get

[Griffin McElroy]

in there and just

[Travis McElroy]

put my ass back.

[Griffin McElroy]

Put my ass to sleep. If you don't want my tongue to get up in there. Put my ass to sleep. Insurance has fucked this country so bad, man. The whole racket. Because they used to just put you the fuck to sleep. If they had to even do anything in there because they didn't want to get licked. They didn't want to get licked by you.

[Travis McElroy]

You know what if you found out that they put you in anesthesia, right. Knock your ass out. And your tongue is even more active now?

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, you think so?

[Travis McElroy]

And it's like, okay, listen. Now all of the energy is just going to the tongue. And the tongue is just like, ha, ha. Hello, dentist. We meet again.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't like thinking about my tongue that much. I don't. I obviously know it's there, but I don't. I don't.

[Justin McElroy]

I don't know.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't pay it much mind how you do it.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis says this is a big source of strength for him, apparently.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, no, I've. Guys, after my dentist said, you have a huge tongue.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And then I said, biggest you've ever seen her. She said, top three. I haven't stopped. That's gotta stop, Trav.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's gotta feel fucking good, man. Wow. I've never had anything like that in my life. That's gotta feel fucking great, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

Pretty good. And also my kids recently noticed that I have a big crease in my tongue to the point where they were concerned that I had a cut through the middle of my tongue. And I was like, no, that's just my tongue is big. And they were like, wow, Are you okay?

[Justin McElroy]

She made you feel that way. And you know what? She used to make you feel that way. Her tongue?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, man.

[Justin McElroy]

That's crazy, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

Tongue truly is mightier than the pen, even.

[Justin McElroy]

Damn.

[Griffin McElroy]

I would say the power rankings for me go gun, obviously. Then below that tongue. And pin. Tongue is slightly above, but pin is pin. I mean, it's still way up. Way, way higher up than swords.

[Travis McElroy]

Can you imagine a gun that your tongue could use to write something?

[Griffin McElroy]

That would be cool, Talk boy. Yeah. If I could finish. Shuriken comes in below sword. And that's just for how difficult that they are to properly throw those and execute them. Beneath that baseball bat, beneath that brass knuckles.

[Travis McElroy]

What about Gunblade?

[Justin McElroy]

Nunchucky Delication.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gunblade is still a gun. So it's again, right there at the top, number one. What's that?

[Justin McElroy]

Nunchucku. Nunchuck.

[Griffin McElroy]

So my list doesn't have any sort of chained weapons so that you're not gonna have, like, a flail. A bo staff is on there. Yeah. But it's below pin because it's like a pin that's too big.

[Justin McElroy]

This is the second time people asked us about the candy thing earlier. I would love to do more rankings like this. I Think there's a huge market for that 10 years ago, and I would love to get into it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, then.

[Justin McElroy]

Because I think that would be a lot of good, solid material. What if we did a ranking video that was candy and bladed weapons and you had like a tier list. Yeah, but it was kind of like both of these.

[Travis McElroy]

Not separate.

[Justin McElroy]

No, not separate. Just to save time. People save time. You could do like bladed weapons and candy and just like, why are we separating them out by two?

[Travis McElroy]

Like, someone would be like, I think katana is better than twigs.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. And then you have to decide, is katana better than Twix? Yeah, not better. Just like, is it better at the same tier?

[Travis McElroy]

Where would you put them?

[Griffin McElroy]

Where would you. How would they clock in?

[Justin McElroy]

I'm not doing it for free.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, like, I'm not.

[Justin McElroy]

Guys, don't. Don't give it away.

[Travis McElroy]

We're not doing it here. Yeah, we got to get our payday.

[Griffin McElroy]

So that's a candidate.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, my God, Travis. Oh, my God, Travis. That was good, man. Let's go to the money zone.

[Theme Song / Chorus]

It's better. It's better with you.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, folks, has this ever happened to you? Your dentist tells you you've got one of the top three biggest tongues they've ever seen, and now you need to find yourself a specialist to help you deal with the ensuing medical problems that go with having a gigantic tongue. Well, good news.

[Justin McElroy]

Specialist for being the specialist.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm just saying you're not in it alone, you know? Or maybe you got diagnosed with ADHD and you need that. Or you had to get glasses the same year you were diagnosed with ADHD and you had a big tongue, so you had to see a speech therapist and you needed to find specialists for all these things. Good news, you're not in this alone. Nine year old Travis. I mean, random listener at home, you, Travis.

[Griffin McElroy]

That was really the year you got your groove back, though, I think.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, yeah, man. And did he start going to the talented and gifted program one Friday every week where someone would go, hey, nerd, get out of here. And had to start taking Ritalin every day at noon in the principal's office.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is a really specific listener. Travis sounds like you know him so super well.

[Travis McElroy]

No, this is all off the top of my head. And so you're not in this alone. You have a friend in sock doc to help you find the specialists that you need and in all kinds of different areas, not just giant tongue related areas, which I don't think is actually connected to my adhd, but I'm Not a doctor.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

With Zocdoc you can find a doctor to tell you if your ADHD is connected to your giant tongue and maybe even get a same day appointment. Incredible.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, it's not just big tongue stuff. Maybe you got big ear. It's like whatever they can find a guy for you.

[Travis McElroy]

Absolutely.

[Griffin McElroy]

A big ear.

[Travis McElroy]

And it is a free app and website that helps you find and book highly qualified in network doctors. So you can find someone you love. Dermatology, dentistry, primary care, all kinds of stuff, all kinds of specialties. You can search by symptom or whatever you need to find the care team that's right for you and they have real time availability. You can book instantly. So no phone tag, no waiting for someone to call you back, none of that stuff. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com mybrother to find and instantly book a doctor. Your love today. That's zocdoc.com mybrother zocdoc.com mybrother thank you Zocdoc for sponsoring this message.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you have a huge tongue and you're ready to make money off that bad boy? You're gonna need a good online destination for people to come to to see you doing stuff. Push ups Yoshi play stuff like that. And can I suggest if you are going to build. What's that?

[Travis McElroy]

I gotta write this down.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can I suggest if you are gonna build a website where you can charge people money to watch you Yoshi play then maybe not maybe, definitely. You should depend on Squarespace.

[Travis McElroy]

Squarespace better tongueboy.com or boytongue.com or boytongue pizza.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are they all available?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

None of, none of those. Don't ever, don't do any of those.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer your services online. Get paid with online payment services, invoices, appointment scheduling built into your website, email marketing tools, everything that you need to run your business and connect with people online or sell your goods and services on a number of different platforms. They have a library of beautiful templates with options for every category that you might need. You can edit those by drag and drop sort of editing. It's super easy. You don't have to know anything about coding because we don't. We've all made Squarespace stuff and it's truly a treat to make a beautiful looking thing on Squarespace and make it look like you know what you're doing.

[Travis McElroy]

I went ahead and got big bigboytongue.gov okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Good for you man. Yeah Got right in there.

[Travis McElroy]

I had to pay $250,000 for it.

[Griffin McElroy]

To who?

[Travis McElroy]

The government? Wait, we didn't do the call to action.

[Griffin McElroy]

So head to. Head to squarespace.com it was so good.

[Justin McElroy]

It's just really good.

[Griffin McElroy]

So head to squarespace.com mybrother for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code mybrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let's get ready to record Maximum Fun, bringing you the finest of podcasts from the worlds of comedy and culture. Almost a perfect episode made by real people.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, no.

[Griffin McElroy]

That mic hit's gonna cost em. You hate to see it supported by people just like you. They're only five seconds away from the longest stretch without saying, um. Two, one. And he's done it, folks. A new world record Amazing Max Fun drive is coming soon. And they hit the cute interruption trifecta, Cat dog and sleepy toddler. The best two weeks in podcasting starts Monday, April 20th. Bonus content, gifts, games and great episodes and so much more. Follow MaxFunHQ and all your shows on

[Travis McElroy]

the social media so you don't miss a thing. I'm Emily Fleming. I'm Jordan Morris.

[Justin McElroy]

And I'm Matt Lieb.

[Griffin McElroy]

We are real comedy writers, real friends, and real cheapskates.

[Justin McElroy]

On every episode of our podcast, free with ads, we ask, why pay for expensive streaming services when you can get free movies from apps with weird names? Each week we review the freest movies the Internet has to offer. Classics like Pride and Prejudice. Cult classics like Point Break and Holy what did I just watch. Classics like Teen Witch.

[Travis McElroy]

Tune in every week as we take a deep dive into the Internet's bargain bin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org or your favorite pod place. Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Out of nowhere.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, man, I didn't do them. I forgot to prepare a munch squad.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh,

[Justin McElroy]

I want a munch. It's April Fools.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Man

[Travis McElroy]

up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Have they done this year, man? Well, make us dirty with their filth.

[Travis McElroy]

This is actually just if I remember, in the past you have abstained. You've said, like, this is where they're like playing us, right? And like getting the wild shit in there.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's different this year, would you say?

[Justin McElroy]

Well, this year I have two activities. The first is a real product that should be a joke. Mikey's Late Night Slice and Lions Club's Cookies partner to create pizza inspired cookie. Wait, I'm gonna show you a picture.

[Griffin McElroy]

Aren't all cookies pizza inspired Shit.

[Justin McElroy]

You're twisted, dude.

[Travis McElroy]

That's deep, man.

[Justin McElroy]

I can't believe.

[Griffin McElroy]

You should look at him. DNA, show both these things to an alien. Oh, wow.

[Travis McElroy]

That's cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, that's a cookie.

[Travis McElroy]

That's a pizza.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, so let me tell you about this. Two of Columbus's most iconic food brands are blurring the lines between dinner and dessert. Lions Club Cookies, recently named the number two cookie shop in the nation. USA Today. And the legendary Mikey behind Slice.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't worry about it.

[Justin McElroy]

Don't worry about it. They've announced a collaboration that sounds like an April Fool's prank, but is very much a reality. The Cub Zone. The Cub Zone is a culinary crossover that marries the nostalgic thick baked style of Lions Club with the bold, irreverent flavors of Mikey's Late Night slice. It's not a joke or is a gimmick. It's a meticulously crafted, savory and sweet pizza party. The Cub Zone starts with Lion Club's signature sugar cookie dough infused with Mikey's secret spice blend. The center is layered with Mikey's signature marinara and their famous gooey cheese blend along with mini pepperonis, and then topped with a crunchy bayton cheese crust and more pepperoni for a textural finish that mimics the perfect slice.

[Travis McElroy]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Griffin McElroy]

It mimics it so good, in fact. Yum.

[Travis McElroy]

Yellow for the sugar cookie crust.

[Griffin McElroy]

It can't be the sweetest sugar cookie, right? Like, they've cut it. They've cut it with something, right? Like, that might be okay if it's not too sweet, like a short crust.

[Travis McElroy]

Like, if it's a shortcut, maybe. But it sounds like they got. They started and they were like, signature

[Justin McElroy]

sugar cookie dough infused with Mikey's secret spice. Travis, you could get there, buddy. Columbus, you could get there for us.

[Griffin McElroy]

You could get there. It's the only way we'll know the palate.

[Travis McElroy]

They started and we're like, we're gonna make a cookie that looks like a pizza, but it's actually a cookie. So we've got. We've made a shit ton of sugar cookie dough. And then they said, oh, we don't actually know how to do the rest of it. We'll just make it a tiny pizza.

[Griffin McElroy]

Just make it a tiny pizza.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, but we already made all this sugar cookie dough.

[Justin McElroy]

Trap, trap, trap, trap, trap. The cubzone will be available warm from the oven at both Lions Club Cookies locations and six Mikey's Late Night Slice locations. Oh, it says excluding Cincinnati. Sorry. I got really excited. Sorry. Oh, man.

[Travis McElroy]

Why does it explicitly Say that. How big does it.

[Justin McElroy]

Well, it excludes Kimba Live, Hollywood Casino, Dayton in Cincinnati, and trash a lot of great venues.

[Griffin McElroy]

And it says they know what they did. That's wild.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Whoa.

[Griffin McElroy]

This might. Here's what I'm, like, thinking looking at this thing. Probably gross. Might. Might fuck. I would say it's 85. 85% gross. Definitely 15%, actually.

[Travis McElroy]

It fucks together how they get them pepperonis so little.

[Griffin McElroy]

Those are the littlest, tiniest Ronies I've ever seen.

[Justin McElroy]

We wanted to do the thing brands always pretend they're doing on April 1st. Something so ridiculous, people assume it's fake and then actually do it. It's called innovation, Bradley.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sorry.

[Justin McElroy]

Lions Club and Mikey's are a perfect match for this type of thing. We're both local, deeply connected, our community, and we're not afraid to have fun with creativity, says Bradley.

[Travis McElroy]

Now you've fucked up my brain looking at this.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's.

[Travis McElroy]

It's like the Tardis where my brain keeps sliding off of it as I try to look at it.

[Justin McElroy]

You can't. Yeah, it definitely looks like a small pizza.

[Griffin McElroy]

Howdy.

[Travis McElroy]

And I'm like, oh, that's a pizza. And then it's like, well, no, that's a cookie. No.

[Griffin McElroy]

So how do you get a pepperoni that small to cut. Be that fucking.

[Justin McElroy]

The mini crispy pepperonis.

[Travis McElroy]

And they toasted the cheese, so. Right.

[Justin McElroy]

I am gonna close this out. I wanted to spend a considerable amount of time talking about this because it's a real thing that's really happening and that's worth something still.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or are they fucking like me? Nine meta layers deep and them saying, this is not a prank. Until I get one of these in my hands, I'm going to assume it's like a double. A sort of double feint prank attack.

[Justin McElroy]

We are going to rank the top 15 food brand jokes that dropped today for April Fool's Day.

[Griffin McElroy]

Awesome.

[Justin McElroy]

I got the list fresh from delish. These all dropped today. And I just want to get your guys hot takes S through. D. Yeah, what's the rank? Yeah, you guys are professional comedians, much like myself. First up, halls, is doing grandma's purse flavor with a hint of lavender and lint.

[Griffin McElroy]

That makes me sad.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, it makes me sad.

[Justin McElroy]

Vintage taste. Oh, yeah. Can I get a letter, guys?

[Griffin McElroy]

D. I don't think that's very funny.

[Travis McElroy]

It's a cohesive idea.

[Griffin McElroy]

It makes me nostalgic.

[Justin McElroy]

It's a cohesive idea as in Bobby, because it's, like, really hard to know otherwise.

[Griffin McElroy]

D as in Dobby.

[Travis McElroy]

D as in dog shit.

[Griffin McElroy]

DB as in Dobby.

[Justin McElroy]

So the worst it could be.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Next up, Mash Gang is a non alcoholic beer brand bringing you Chugging ipa. It's a keg that replaces the office cooler with a keg of non alcoholic beer.

[Griffin McElroy]

I don't think that would actually happen. I'm gonna say that's probably a false. I'm gonna. That one's not real. That one's not real, Griffin.

[Travis McElroy]

They're all false.

[Justin McElroy]

They're all false. What's the letter grade of this joke?

[Griffin McElroy]

D D. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, man. Like, do. Do it. Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Deep Indian kitchen chewing is so overrated. Is the tagline of this coconut chicken curry protein drink. Mild spice.

[Griffin McElroy]

D D For me, I think knowing it's not real, it's just like, the joke needs to be more than like, wouldn't our shit be so fucking yucky if we mush this is what it looks like inside you when your body turns it to shit. Isn't that fucking funny?

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna retroactively bump the keg water cooler one up to a C. Because at least if I saw that one in the wild, I'd be like, what the fuck, right? Yeah. I would just be like, that's great.

[Justin McElroy]

Some of these are just like. It feels like product research.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Like putting it out. Like, wouldn't it be crazy if we scribble, scribble, scribble.

[Travis McElroy]

AI, AI, AI. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Do people like it? Help. Next up, Stella Rosa. Pickle.

[Travis McElroy]

This is not. Pickle is in, like, everything these days.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, but it's like pickle. It's like, fancy. It's like a fancy pickle wine.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm telling you. I like that. All right.

[Griffin McElroy]

I like that.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay, I really preface this well. If this is them going, but would you. Would you? But would you.

[Griffin McElroy]

But would you. I'll say C. Just because pickle wine does feel good on the. On the. On the tip of the tail.

[Travis McElroy]

I would say brand pickle. I would try.

[Justin McElroy]

Pairs perfectly with a deli sandwich and a side of skepticism. Fox de la Rosa. You're busting up my goddamn sides. You guys are really having a laugh. 8 o' clock coffee has this. It is an AI powered alarm clock that brews a pot of coffee at

[Griffin McElroy]

8am so that exists. I don't.

[Justin McElroy]

So that exists.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, that exists. You don't need AI for that either.

[Justin McElroy]

You can program super.

[Griffin McElroy]

Didn't need AI. You didn't.

[Justin McElroy]

I mean, we know that they didn't. Is that the joke?

[Griffin McElroy]

The joke is that I can't buy my pawpaw a PlayStation 5 because 8 o' clock coffee needed AI and it's fucking April Fool's Day.

[Justin McElroy]

Alarm clock feels like a D to me again. Griff.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I'm actually gonna say an F on this one for, like, however many acres of rainforest that this image and brain space took up.

[Griffin McElroy]

All right, here we go. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Yes.

[Travis McElroy]

Chris, what do you got? What do we got?

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, we got the Baby Bottle Pop Adulthood Survival collection with flavors like fiber, protein and salmon. Fucking good. Funny.

[Travis McElroy]

That's funny.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's funny.

[Travis McElroy]

That's a tier.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's a tier.

[Justin McElroy]

And I'll tell you why.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's because this is a. This Baby Bottle Pop is already. It's already playing in some pretty, like, wild, abstract spaces. This is a baby's candy. Oh, but they shouldn't have it. But now it's adult and it's got fiber flavor. What's fiber taste like?

[Justin McElroy]

Something about Baby Bottle Pop realizing I exist as a human being, that is funny to me. Because, like, Baby Bottle Pop has, of course, been part of my life for the past 11 years, but baby Bottle Pop has never seemed concerned with knowing I exist. But when Baby Bottle Pop turns its eyes towards me and says, do you need salmon? That's. It's pretty good. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm telling you right now that if on any other day, maybe not the salmon, but Baby Bottle Pop protein, Baby Bottle Pop fiber. Those pop up in a Facebook ad or whatever the fuck, I would.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sure, I would.

[Travis McElroy]

I would buy it for a second. I wouldn't buy it buy it, but I'd maybe think, that's real.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let's keep learning.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, I got Keebler.

[Travis McElroy]

Anybody want to guess?

[Griffin McElroy]

I haven't looked to keep. They have a new CEO Elf, and it's, you know, it's ice spice or something.

[Justin McElroy]

Trav.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna say going the same way. Like, fiber cookies, protein cookies for adults.

[Griffin McElroy]

So they do Hollow Tree toothpaste, fudge Stripe Flavored toothpaste, Vienna Fingers, pecan, Sandy's toothpaste. All right, again, it's just like if you mushed up our shit and made it yucky shit, wouldn't it be great? And I don't like looking at the brown toothpaste.

[Travis McElroy]

No. But if they said, like, a sandwich spread of this stuff, fuck yeah, I'd buy the hell out of that.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, but they didn't say that. I know, but at least that would get Me thinking I see this and

[Justin McElroy]

I'm like, I want to.

[Griffin McElroy]

I need to know whether or not it's real. The pizza cookie. I still don't know if that shit's real or not.

[Justin McElroy]

If I say Keebler Chew couldn't be clearer. I said to you the first one was real, the rest aren't.

[Travis McElroy]

But I said the thing about my vasectomy, Justin, and I said that was real and it wasn't.

[Griffin McElroy]

It was a true. I know my whole bit about not recording, which was.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm still not sure if Griffin is recording this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let me double check. Yeah, I am recording now.

[Justin McElroy]

Sumo Citrus is doing some square Citrus. Square what?

[Griffin McElroy]

That's again. We are doing that. We're doing that like we're doing that.

[Justin McElroy]

Watermelons are square. We're doing it. Top Ramen is doing top Ramen. Butterfinger Ramen flavors is done. You cannot do it anymore. There are too many real, absolutely decrepit, insane flavors. There's everything. Bagel flavor.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Of ramen. They're doing everything with cotton candy ramen. Ramen is. Although the Birria Ramen. Oh, yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

He, he. Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't know why you say peanut like a peanut butter. Like a peanut sauce.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. No, that is a thing in food.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. But it's not butter. They don't make those with Butterfinger. I'm gonna say that one's not real.

[Justin McElroy]

Griffin. The halal guys.

[Travis McElroy]

What's this?

[Justin McElroy]

Are going to Fine dining. They're taking its iconic street food off the streets and into a five star restaurant. It's a fancy.

[Travis McElroy]

Good for them halal guys.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

If I saw that, I'd just be like, oh, okay, cool. Good for you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can I just say when I can tell that the effort that was put into preparing this New year or not New Year's, this April Fool's Day prank was just like one Photoshop and not even a particularly good one.

[Justin McElroy]

And perhaps it may actually be an AI generated image. Some of this is pretty wild looking.

[Travis McElroy]

Several of these may be.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah, maybe all of these definitely, definitely are Ford. Does that shit in their commercials now and shows somebody driving a Ford truck on a beach and it's like, this shit's AI and it's like, you guys don't have Ford trucks that you can do videos of.

[Travis McElroy]

You couldn't find.

[Griffin McElroy]

You couldn't find one beach and one guy to drive one of your fucking trucks. Okay, wait, this next one looks promising.

[Justin McElroy]

This one's good.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

I can't believe this next one's not real.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, so that's a Bunch of Crunch. The name is what does it for me.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

The Bunch of Crunch. Which, like, Bunch of. If you imagine a Crunch bar, Bunch of Crunch is like the little nuggets of Crunch bar.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm trying to scroll down. I forgot this was a screenshot.

[Griffin McElroy]

I want to see the rest of it.

[Travis McElroy]

I want to see it.

[Justin McElroy]

Bunch of Crunch Dispenser Experience.

[Griffin McElroy]

And you put your popcorn under it and drop a popcorn bucket underneath. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, my God.

[Griffin McElroy]

Slaps. Funny.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Funny words. The words. Bunch of Crunch Dispenser. Experience. That's funny also. Good idea.

[Justin McElroy]

Experience nails it.

[Travis McElroy]

Someone.

[Justin McElroy]

Someone funny. Added experience.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Dispenser is not funny. And their experience is funny.

[Travis McElroy]

The kind of prank where I would look at that, be like, what? And then be mad it's not real. And that's the prank.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, I'm gonna get you next year when it does start showing.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

And I do it.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Mother's Cookies.

[Justin McElroy]

Mother's Cookies is now doing father's Cookies. And the father cookies are shaped like drills and PlayStation controllers and baseball gloves.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's the ultimate chat. Ultimate dad Mode Cookies.

[Justin McElroy]

It's the dad Mode Cookies. Ultimate dad Mode Cookies.

[Travis McElroy]

I'll tell you that now. I have a soft spot in my heart for these Frosted Animal cookies. When I'm traveling and I see those in the Hudson, you know, thing I will buy them every time. I fucking love these things. They don't. It's not. Those aren't themed to mothers. They're Frosted Animal Crackers.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I know, Trav, but this is like.

[Travis McElroy]

No, Justin, they changed the name of

[Griffin McElroy]

the company in this one to Fathers, and so they had to make.

[Travis McElroy]

It doesn't make any sense.

[Griffin McElroy]

So, Travis, what you're saying. I get what you're saying, is that it's like two jokes in one. If they had just said the name of the company is now Fathers, and we're still making the same animal crackers.

[Justin McElroy]

I do think. Sorry. I do think it is pretty good that the Frosted Cookie Company mothers decided, hey, you know what might be fun for April Fools? Is to take a hard left into gender politics.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

That's something that we want to wade into. We want to lightly dip our toe

[Griffin McElroy]

into that hard left and slam dunk. I love game and drill and baseball glove. I love that shit. And I'm a dad.

[Travis McElroy]

I use them all three at the same time.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Love it. Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Love it.

[Travis McElroy]

When we're hanging out with our dad, I'll say, dad, I have my baseball glove. Throw me the controller.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, and he'll do it and then

[Travis McElroy]

drill right into it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, sure.

[Justin McElroy]

Fuck is this? Baskin Robbins?

[Griffin McElroy]

What?

[Justin McElroy]

Strawberry cheesecake, ice cream soup.

[Griffin McElroy]

Strawberry cheesecake, ice cream soup in a can.

[Justin McElroy]

Ice cream soup.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's a soup can that's got strawberry cheesecake. Baskins. Robin.

[Travis McElroy]

Not a bad idea.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's not bad.

[Justin McElroy]

It's pretty bad. And if you look at it where

[Travis McElroy]

it's like ice cream and like you would buy milk, but yeah, maybe.

[Justin McElroy]

Now we're talking. Now we're talking. This is good,

[Travis McElroy]

what they've done here. May I? This is tasteful. It's tasteful. It's a cup of noodles and making like a heatless curlers set, as one might for their hair. But the branding of cup of Noodles is so small that you see the hurt he was that I was like, what's the joke here? What's the. Oh, it's cup of noodle. Tasteful curling your hair.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's not where they go usually. That's. Yeah, B.

[Travis McElroy]

A tier.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, B, solid B. St. Pierre Bakery is offering a white glove waffle butler service.

[Griffin McElroy]

What the fuck does that. Hey, St. Pierre Bakery. How the fuck would that work? Walk me through it.

[Justin McElroy]

Oversee precision syrup pours, 45 degree aesthetic plating and anti soggy crumb management to ensure proper enjoyment.

[Griffin McElroy]

How am I going on thumbtack and like booking one of these? Or do you send someone to my door when you find out that I bought your waffle? Like, how are you? How are you fulfilling this? That's fucking wild. How are you fulfilling? I guess you're creating an outrageous number of jobs. That's awesome. That should be the headline is.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm gonna. I'm going to tell you, Justin, right now, out of all of these, the bunch of crunch dispensary experience is S tier.

[Griffin McElroy]

S tier.

[Travis McElroy]

The rest of these I'm going to just go ahead and say are all F tier because none of these seem to get what A, a joke is or B, a prank. Like this thing of like, we're doing waffles now there's going to be a white glove butler experience. Am I supposed to A, care that there's a white glove butler experience? B, believe there's A.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or like back in the day in the fucking games business, Naughty Dog would put out like, guess What? Crash bandicoot 6 brace your asses. And then the day after they'd be like, just kidding. Crash Bandicoot died in a car accident four years ago.

[Travis McElroy]

The next Mario's NC17, they would just smash Hopes.

[Griffin McElroy]

What? Why would you lie about Crash Bandicoot like that? Now I'm looking soft. It's so soft.

[Justin McElroy]

Like if you look at the header of this delish web page I'm on under the more category. You see, I tried Cup Noodles Thanksgiving Ramen Flavors. Cup Noodles has a new everything bagel flavor. I try the new Totino's and old El Paso Ramen. I mean, this is. We're very well covered. Also. Yeah, shout out to food journalism because can you imagine watching someone eat everything bagel flavored ramen? And you're watching it for a second, you're like, no, you know what, nevermind. Write about this later and I'll just read how it went.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I can't possibly.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast.

[Griffin McElroy]

Sorry we fucking lied to you so many times this episode. We lied to you guys. We're always going to be very pranky. Yeah. But I want this to be like a safe space where you know that we're just giving you the straight. The straight stuff.

[Travis McElroy]

The following is completely true. We're doing new merch. It's April, new March. We have a Crowen Wilson enamel pin. There's a Miggy. What are those called?

[Griffin McElroy]

Not a votive, but a candle. Yeah, a nice tall candle.

[Travis McElroy]

And a limited release of the Omnir to Win shirt to celebrate our I Heart Media podcast award win. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Marsha P. Johnson Institute, which organizes advocates, offers direct relief support, and interrupts the people who are standing in the way of a more just world for black trans people and all people. So make sure you check that out and check out mcroymerch.com and check out the new merch there and all the great merch that's already there.

[Griffin McElroy]

We got stuff we're doing on YouTube all the freaking time. If you follow McElroy Entertainment System on Instagram, you can stay up to date on how we do streams with all three of us playing games almost every Tuesday. And Juice is doing streams, playing games on Mondays and Travis is on Wednesdays. I'm on Fridays. We're doing so much streaming, so much video stuff for you to watch it. So follow McElroy Family on YouTube and follow McElroy Entertainment System on Instagram so you can just find out when we're doing stuff and come hang. It's always so chill. It's always so great. The community is so fucking tight and cool and helpful. And thanks to Montaigne also for the use of our theme song My Life is Better with youh. It's the theme song to the summer. I bet this year. I bet it'll be the theme song to the summer. Oh, I have this nice dry erase marker. It has a good footprint, but it's like pretty big. I think it'll make actually a pretty good sound. Are you guys cool with that? I'll try not to hit my goddamn deku tree this time. That thing's taking a walloping with this segment.

[Travis McElroy]

Gotta get that boy some wireless headphones. Three, two, one.

[Griffin McElroy]

What did he get? What'd you hit?

[Travis McElroy]

It's something on the Ricochet. What'd you get on the bounce?

[Justin McElroy]

What did you hear?

[Griffin McElroy]

What'd you get on the bounce?

[Justin McElroy]

The wall.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so the order was the wall, my coffee cup, my computer monitor. It was like Toby throwing the fucking rubber ball in West. It really had a nice sor. Triangular arc to it.

[Justin McElroy]

God. All right, thanks. My name's Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm Travis McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin McElroy. I want to see that. I want to see that one back. That's the first one that I feel

[Justin McElroy]

like square on the lips.

[Theme Song / Chorus]

It's better it's better with you My life It's better with you Cause it's

[Griffin McElroy]

who you are

[Theme Song / Chorus]

it's better it's better with you. It's better with you

[Griffin McElroy]

Maximum Fun. A worker owned network of artist owned shows supported directly by you.