MBMBaM 817: Shabby Dabby Doug

Summary

My Brother, My Brother and Me #817: Shabby Dabby Doug
Release Date: June 8, 2026
Hosts: Justin, Travis, and Griffin McElroy

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Episode Overview

In this characteristically chaotic and quick-witted installment, the McElroy brothers deliver their signature blend of questionable advice, pop culture digressions, and bits that spiral out of control. From Hollywood intellectual property shenanigans involving Dick Tracy, to deeply earnest (and also, very silly) reflections on pet loss, to hard-hitting advice like why you should never lick anything at an ice cream job interview—the episode careens through stories, jokes, and heartfelt moments. Fans of the podcast’s “Munch Squad” food news will enjoy the deep dive into summer promotional treats from classic chains, while ever-present self-parody and sibling ribbing keep the energy playful.

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Key Discussion Points

1. The Dick Tracy Rights and Warren Beatty’s Eternal Project (01:30–10:12)

• Travis brings a “research rabbit hole” about Warren Beatty’s decades-long crusade to retain the film and TV rights to Dick Tracy. After buying the rights in 1985, Beatty must create a new project every few years just to maintain them.
• Quote:

  “For some reason, this was a passion project of Warren Beatty's.” — Travis (02:46)

• They joke about Warren Beatty’s extremely niche Dick Tracy specials (2016, 2023), involving late-night interviews where Beatty plays both himself and Dick Tracy via Zoom.
• Griffin jokes about how Beatty should work this into his own funeral—suggesting a Dick Tracy-themed sendoff with actors as villains.
  Quote:

  “Picture this. Your friends and family show up to your funeral. Except, surprise. It's a funeral for Dick Tracy.” — Travis (07:27)

• They discuss how rights will revert to the public domain in 2027—but only for the original, less-palatable version of Tracy.
• Memorable moment:
  “You have to do racist Mickey.” – Griffin, on limitations of public domain characters (09:39)
• Recurring theme: The absurdity of holding onto intellectual property out of spite or stubbornness.

2. On Mourning a Recently Deceased Lizard (10:15–19:31)

• Justin shares the genuine sadness of losing his pet lizard after only a week, struggling with how to appropriately elicit sympathy from busy people.
• Quote:

  “I wanted to come to you guys to get some advice. Cause I know you do this advice show here.” — Justin (10:28)

• Sibling empathy quickly descends into goofing about lizard montages, bug surpluses, and how content creation intertwines with real grief.
• Notable exchange:

  “For next time, Justin, when you get your next lizard—immediately film...” — Travis (12:07, joking about missed montage opportunities) “I'm not really blaming myself; again, certainly is tied up in other ways.” — Justin (12:51, on grief complexities)

• Griffin expresses why he’s too emotionally and financially risk-averse for “paper thin” pets.
• 500 roaches and crickets, intended as lizard food, are now unnecessary, prompting the question of what to do with them.

3. Ice Cream Job Interview Etiquette (19:59–26:18)

• A listener asks: what’s the correct order if you’re applying to be a delivery driver at an ice cream shop and get a free scoop at the interview?
• The brothers agree: Don’t order a cone or anything requiring licking; keep it simple with a cup and spoon.
• Quote:

  “Do not lick anything at a job interview is pretty good.” — Griffin (22:42)

• They riff on the dangers of going “too crazy” with toppings, eating ice cream “too enthusiastically,” and their own experiences working in frozen yogurt shops.

4. Munch Squad: Hot Boy Summer and America’s 250th (34:29–45:08)

• Munch Squad returns with food industry promos:
  • Graeter’s Ice Cream: “Cherry Sparkler” and a Phantom Theater tie-in flavor for Kings Island. (35:28–36:20)
  • Carvel: Patriotically-themed Carvalanche with red, white, and blue M&Ms (37:49)
  • Baskin Robbins: “Futball Fireworks” – a World Cup flavor loaded with candy mix-ins (38:53)
  • Burger King: New jalapeno Whopper, “Freezy King” drink platform, and “Firecracker Cookie Pie,” humorously dubbed a “chilled crunch experience.”
• Memorable moment:

  “Firecracker Cookie Pie. That's three different words, man.” — Griffin (44:08)

• Describing increasingly zany product launches, they lampoon marketing language and speculate about menu innovation.
• Quote:

  “If you want to eat a lot or a little bit, we'll do it. No problem.” — Justin, reading a Burger King executive’s ambiguous PR quote (45:13)

5. Advice: Hiding Noisy Tick-Tock Gifts from a Horology Nerd (46:55–54:44)

• A questioner wants to disguise the ticking sound of a pocket watch and miniature grandfather clock so as not to ruin a surprise for their “horology nerd” boyfriend.
• Advice devolves into goofs about syncing the ticking to 60 BPM slow jams or claiming to be a clockwork automaton who needs love to be real.
• Quote:

  “Yes, it’s true. I am a clockwork man. I was assembled by Dr. Zelias, and he died before he could give me a soul. But only your love has brought me to life.” — Justin (48:46)

• Follow-up: Discussion about “The Gift of the Magi,” misinterpreting its plot, and how culturally useful but individually unsatisfying the story is.

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Notable Quotes & Moments By Timestamp

• On Warren Beatty’s Dick Tracy rights-holding antics:
  “It's gotta be entirely fueled by spite is the thing that kills me.” — Travis (08:56)
• On pet grief/sharing loss:
  “If I broke down on somebody about this lizard, they would probably need two and a half minutes before they were like, this is probably about other stuff.” — Justin (11:44)
• On ice cream as job interview meal:
  “Don't lick anything at a job interview is pretty good.” — Griffin (22:42)
• On the Munch Squad segment’s food marketing language:
  “It's a chilled crunch experience.” — Justin, reading Burger King PR (44:08) “Honey, you look different... I had a chilled crunch experience today...” — Travis (44:19)
• On topping-laden sundaes:
  “Try getting gummy bears on your ice cream. My kids do it every time... those get rock hard, inedible and gross.” — Griffin (25:04)
• On offbeat advice about a ticking clock gift:
  “I'm a clockwork boy. My porcelain heart ticking. So it echoes terribly.” — Justin (51:02)
• Podcast’s signature sign-off:
  “Everybody kiss your dad square on the lips.” — Justin (57:58)

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Additional Highlights

• Recurring goofs:
  • “Shabby Dabby Doug” as the discount Scooby Doo
  • Excessive pride and shame regarding making and consuming family-based content
  • “Firecracker Cookie Pie” lampooned as a future dance hit or drag queen anthem
• Meta moments:
  • Sibling encouragement for one another’s comedic bits, sometimes to the point of absurdity
  • Griffin lampoons his own escalating use of Monty Python references (19:36–19:41)

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Timestamps of Major Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------------------------|-------------| | Dick Tracy rights & Warren Beatty saga | 01:30–10:12 | | Justin’s lizard loss & pet grief discussion | 10:15–19:31 | | Ice cream job interview advice | 19:59–26:18 | | Munch Squad: Summer food promo roundup | 34:29–45:08 | | Advice: Noisy clock gifts for horology nerds | 46:55–54:44 |

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Episode Tone & Style

The episode is relentlessly playful and self-aware—balancing earnest moments (pet loss, sibling support) with long-form riffing and surreal bits about public domain characters, marketing absurdities, and self-referential podcast mechanics. Expect plenty of sibling jabs, meta-commentary, and a pace that ricochets from nostalgia to nonsense in quick succession.

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode gives a perfect flavor of MBMBaM: you’ll find heartfelt advice buried under layers of comedy, pop culture references, and affectionate chaos. Whether or not you care about Dick Tracy, ice cream toppings, or clockwork hearts, you’ll appreciate the way the McElroys make every subject their own.

Transcript

[Griffin McElroy]

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up? You cool baby?

[Theme Song Singer]

It's the start of something beautiful A

[Griffin McElroy]

small acquaintance has blossomed it's ripened into

[Theme Song Singer]

a precious friends I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park Hangs by the beach My life, it feels like. It's better it's better with you My life, it's better it's better with you this is who you are it's better it's better with two.

[Justin McElroy]

Hello everybody. Welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

[Travis McElroy]

What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your brother, Travis. Big dog. Wolf. Wolf. Vroom, vroom. The Heater award winning big dog McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Good morning, Trav Nation. It's me, your sweet baby brother. 30 under 30 media luminary Griffin. Built for tough.

[Justin McElroy]

McElroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

We don't do that one anymore.

[Travis McElroy]

You know, boys, sometimes the Internet you're not gonna believe this lies to you. Never even make bold claims and you'll hear a story and you're like, there's no fucking way that's true.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, that is true. Every time I load up a website of a certain caliber, there's always a little ad to this site that's like Melissa McCarthy died. And I'm like, what? I click on it every fucking time. But it's never true. They just want me to buy.

[Travis McElroy]

It's different Melissa McCarthy. It's like 106-year-old woman. Yeah, named Melissa. Well, so I had a story served to me on a platter and I was like, there's no way that's true. And then I did my own independent journalistic research and discovered it was true. And I would like to get on Nexus.

[Griffin McElroy]

You should get on Nexus. Lexus.

[Travis McElroy]

I was going through the microfilm. I was at the library, scrolling through. Boys, the year is 1985.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay?

[Travis McElroy]

The only thing bigger than the Hollywood dreams are the piles of cocaine fueling those dreams. Warren Beatty must make a Dick Tracy movie. He is driven. There's something within him that says, make a Dick Tracy movie.

[Griffin McElroy]

I thought it was like he was in deep.

[Travis McElroy]

No, no, no.

[Griffin McElroy]

The Dick Tracy estate. And had to or else his family would be killed.

[Travis McElroy]

For some reason, this was a passion project of Warren Beatty's.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, he looks so much like goddamn Dick Tracy, doesn't he? He looks exactly like fucking Dick Tracy. If you look that much like Dick Tracy, you would also be stoked to get Dick Tracy.

[Travis McElroy]

He cannot find anyone to direct it. He's gonna direct it himself. Right. And star in it and produce it. He buys the film and television rights from Tribune Media, who owns Dick Tracy for $3 million.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's a lot. Let me adjust that for inflation. $17 billion today.

[Theme Song Singer]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Whoa. Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Disney partners with Warren Beatty to make the movie.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

They are talking franchise. Disney's excited about this. This is gonna become a film series. Then, as they're making the movie, the budget keeps creeping on up there, getting more and more and more and more expensive.

[Justin McElroy]

And Disney's, like, explosive success of Tim Burton's Batman. I think there was something of a blank check being given to old Mr. Tracy.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, I've talked about it before. The Phantom, the Shadow, Dig Tracy, the Rocketeer.

[Griffin McElroy]

It's all connected.

[Justin McElroy]

It's all tied together on our comedy podcast.

[Travis McElroy]

Movie comes out. It does. Okay. 134 million. At that point in 1990.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let me adjust.

[Justin McElroy]

Adjust again.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's nineteen and a half billion dollars.

[Justin McElroy]

Pachi Munchy, 2009.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think you would think because that number was so much more than 3 million, that the resulting translation number would be much higher. That's not how this Movie stuff works.

[Travis McElroy]

2009. Warren Beatty has owned the film and television rights to Dick Tracy for 19 years. Tribune Media sues to get those film and television rights back. Disney, by this point, is like, we're not doing anything with this. Gives their portion of the film and television rights over to Warren Beatty.

[Griffin McElroy]

Gave him the Dick. He already had the Tracy. He already had the Tracy.

[Travis McElroy]

Then Tribune Media goes bankrupt. Yeah. So the court awards the film and television rights to Warren Beatty on the condition that he must, every couple of years, use those to make a Dick Tracy project.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. That seems like maybe not the best way to ensure quality of the thing.

[Justin McElroy]

There's a contractual unconventional deal. There's a lot of that use it or lose it kind of dealing in Hollywood.

[Travis McElroy]

So in 2016, Warren Beatty, partnering with Turner Classic Movies great. Produces a Dick Tracy special that airs late, late, late, late at night. And it is an interview of Leonard Moulton interviewing Warren Beatty as Dick Tracy. Mm.

[Guest or Advertiser Voice]

Oh, my goodness.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh.

[Guest or Advertiser Voice]

How are you, Detective Tracy?

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm fine. Call me Dick.

[Justin McElroy]

Huh?

[Travis McElroy]

I'll try.

[Griffin McElroy]

Shall I sit here?

[Travis McElroy]

Please do yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

Maybe offer you something. I didn't pause it, Mr. Maltin. I didn't sign up for this. Yeah. When I started doing this comedy, when I started doing this comedy podcast, I was not under the impression that I would have to watch Warren Beatty pretend to be Dick Tracy in an unscripted, sort of jazz like format. He also looks so much like the mask in his big yellow suit.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis, this is Warren Beatty pretending to be Dick Tracy in 2016. What on God's green earth makes you think I haven't huffed huge, giant lines

[Travis McElroy]

of this guy already?

[Justin McElroy]

I've been huffing this dude for a decade. A decade. Man, I love this shit. I live for this video.

[Travis McElroy]

2023, he does it again. Dick Tracy zooms in a special about the Dick Tracy special in which Warren Beatty. I've never seen this.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Damn it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Damn it. It is a special about the special that was made in 2016, once again, featuring, if I'm not mistaken, both Warren Beatty as Dick Tracy and Warren Beatty as himself zooming into a call.

[Justin McElroy]

And then that's been Ben Mankiewicz.

[Travis McElroy]

Yes.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes, that's Ben Mankiewicz.

[Travis McElroy]

So that was 2023.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is it every two years? Is that what you said?

[Travis McElroy]

So it's 2016 and 2023.

[Griffin McElroy]

So he's catching up.

[Justin McElroy]

He's like. I think he's trying to catch up

[Travis McElroy]

for something that he didn't do. So here's my pitch. Mr. Brady, I know you are a Max Fund member of my brother and my brother me supporter, so I know you're listening. But you also know that you're getting up there in years.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

When you die, are you truly the Dick Tracy? Picture this. Your friends and family show up to your funeral. Except, surprise. It's a funeral for Dick Tracy.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's awesome. Oh, my gosh.

[Travis McElroy]

And Warren Beatty is in the Dick Tracy costume in the coffin. There's paid actors there dressed as Dick Tracy's rogues Gallery.

[Griffin McElroy]

Flat Top Jones.

[Justin McElroy]

Reboot or funeral? I have to know now.

[Travis McElroy]

Funeral.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, right.

[Travis McElroy]

And it's you got Big Boy, you got no face or faceless, you've got mumbles. All of them there shedding a tear for damn his worthy of the public domain.

[Justin McElroy]

Can we use him?

[Travis McElroy]

Hold on. No, go ahead, Trav.

[Justin McElroy]

Do your thing.

[Griffin McElroy]

Big Boy from Outkast is in the public domain. Big Boy from Tracy is not.

[Travis McElroy]

Then the headstone at the grave reads Tracy. You put up a live feed webcam pointed at that headstone in perpetuity. It is a Dick Tracy project in perpetuity. You will Never lose the rights to Dick Tracy.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, Travis, they will be buried with you. Perhaps literally. I don't know how that works.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis, I have good news and bad news.

[Griffin McElroy]

What? I can't wait to hear this.

[Justin McElroy]

It's both, actually. Dick Tracy enters the public domain on January 1, 2027. So you're windowed to get this guy in the ground.

[Travis McElroy]

In the col.

[Griffin McElroy]

Ground fighting. Flat Top Jones in heaven.

[Justin McElroy]

The license is running.

[Travis McElroy]

It's gotta be entirely fueled by spite is the thing that kills me. Like he's not using them right. He's making these specials. There's no one banging down his door to pay him $30 million for these rights.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

He just doesn't want to give them up.

[Justin McElroy]

The only problem with the Dick Tracy going into public domain is that it only applies to the very original version of the character in the original. In the original run. So your version does have to be an unrepentant racist and like, because otherwise that is the only version of the character that is in the public domain. So he does have to be kind of like.

[Griffin McElroy]

Kind of like how you can do like racist Mickey Mouse, you have to do racist Mickey.

[Justin McElroy]

They have to be racist or else it's not the same character.

[Travis McElroy]

Knowing this now that these rights like that it becomes public domain in 2027. I'm just. I'm worried about the day when Warren Beatty gets a letter from his attorney, opens it up and misreads it as La La Land.

[Griffin McElroy]

Mm, that's funny.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you guys remember when he fucking did that? Yeah, that's not bad.

[Griffin McElroy]

Travis is really tickled with this fucking five year old Oscars reference.

[Justin McElroy]

It's not bad.

[Griffin McElroy]

So proud of yourself.

[Travis McElroy]

Not bad.

[Griffin McElroy]

Thank you.

[Justin McElroy]

I want to keep the. I want to keep the jokes coming

[Travis McElroy]

and talk to you guys. Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

It's not going to seem like jokes, but it is my life. So we got to talk about it.

[Travis McElroy]

It's your life. It's now or never.

[Justin McElroy]

My lizard that I had for a week died. No.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're kidding me. No. Yeah, it is, it is.

[Justin McElroy]

And it is sad. I realized it last night and I was and am very sad about it. And I wanted to come to you guys to get some advice. Cause I know you do this advice show here. Yeah. I don't know how to go about, you know, not just with everything, but like, especially with like everybody's got a lot going on and it's pride. So like I don't want to obviously, you know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

Like, yeah, lizards have their own month.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. Everybody's got a lot going on and it is pride and like we're working really hard in like summer theater. So everybody here is like really heads down on that. And like, yeah, dad's doing his show. And like I don't really know who to get to for to get sympathy and how to approach getting sympathy for. I am sad about the lizard. I have for a week. Like, you know, like I don't know how to even ease that into the conversation really.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right.

[Travis McElroy]

To start us, I'm gonna need a montage.

[Justin McElroy]

It's gonna be really bad though. Cause it's just gonna be me trying to get it to eat crickets and. And then getting skeeved out by the crickets.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

It's not like a lot of good times.

[Griffin McElroy]

You didn't have like a lot of great moments with the lizard.

[Travis McElroy]

Could you like Photoshop still very sad.

[Justin McElroy]

Wanna be clear? Not based on anything. And I know and this is probably what's hard about it is that if I broke down on somebody about this lizard, they would probably need two and a half minutes before they were like, this is probably about other stuff.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right.

[Justin McElroy]

I'll be like, yeah, yeah, obviously.

[Griffin McElroy]

But with a lizard it's easier.

[Justin McElroy]

Cause I can see that. But it's like this is very concrete. I just need your sympathy about it. Please.

[Travis McElroy]

For next time. Justin. When you get your next lizard immediately

[Justin McElroy]

film with really feels. This is another huge issue. Travis. Is that highly unmotivated.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

To do so too sad. Really. Very, very sad.

[Travis McElroy]

You can call it sheetless.

[Justin McElroy]

Travis. If I can just finish one thought because I am mourning huge aquarium. Just huge tank. Unbelievably big. Because I expected a friend a long term growth. I was prepared for long term growth.

[Griffin McElroy]

He needed his own zone. You had a little project Hail Mary situation.

[Travis McElroy]

You were diamondhanding that lizard.

[Griffin McElroy]

You were never going to get the growth market.

[Justin McElroy]

I really had a lot of faith. You know what I mean? And it was. I read all the books. I feel like I did everything pretty good. And so I'm not really blaming myself again. Certainly is tied up in other way.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't want to get out there. But the one mistake, the one mistake you made feelings. The one mistake you made. Jamie. I was not filming for a montage of like you and the lizard having a picnic on the beach. And like you have like a close up POV of its face and like stop filming. How do I get impressed, Trav?

[Justin McElroy]

But like considering our lives, I do feel like a little bit robbed of the opportunity for like a lot of Great content. A lot of great stuff and a lot of good. And that is a terrible way to think about it until you realize that I make content with my family.

[Travis McElroy]

That's a beautiful.

[Justin McElroy]

So now it's beautiful, right?

[Travis McElroy]

And you know, just pronounced a different way. It's content. You know, when you think about it, Happiness.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's good, Trav. That's really something.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

But what's funny, when you talk to

[Justin McElroy]

a family YouTuber, they're like, yes, I

[Travis McElroy]

make my children content.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

I.

[Justin McElroy]

My kids aren't frequently daily make my children content.

[Griffin McElroy]

No. Well, my kids make me content.

[Justin McElroy]

Is the more kids make me content.

[Griffin McElroy]

Right. They make me and everyone else content. Content. We make $3.15 per million views from YouTube on their content.

[Justin McElroy]

My kids content is really important to me.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is why I refuse to invest in such a paper thin animal emotionally or like monetarily. Or monetarily mostly. But I mean, the emotional thing is that's probably not even gonna happen. But the financial side of things, I don't need to be two GS in the hole. Supporting an animal who again, is just a stiff wind. Where'd the lizard go? Wind got him. Big wind got him. And then a bird got him before he even touched the ground. Like, no thanks. Give me a big.

[Travis McElroy]

Give me a title.

[Griffin McElroy]

Give me a big boy who can't hurt, who can't get hurt.

[Justin McElroy]

I can actually clear up about this. There was no threat of bird. Like, there was no. I did a good job. There was no bird.

[Travis McElroy]

No one thought there was threat of bird.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. Lizards die sometimes is what you're saying.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, Griffin, that's why it's so hard to get sympathy about it. You're. You're skipping to the end. Like, yes, agree.

[Griffin McElroy]

Your pet turtle died. If your pet turtle died, people would be like, holy shit, how'd that even happen?

[Justin McElroy]

I told Cooper. Yes, exactly how? I didn't even know they could die. I told Cooper that, like, it just happens. These things happen. Like, that's nature, that's life sometimes. And by the way, she really. If there was any leftover sympathy, I feel like she turned on the waterworks and was really kind of lapping it all up, you know what I mean? Like, it was not a lot of drops left over for daddy.

[Griffin McElroy]

Even though daddy's sadness about the lizard doesn't come out as big heaving tears. It's more of a rot.

[Justin McElroy]

A deep rot. No, no, it was big heaving tears. But it was the night before while they were in bed. But I felt sad again. The next day.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, right.

[Justin McElroy]

And would have just loved a little extra, you know?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

I just didn't know.

[Travis McElroy]

Justin, I want to first express sympathy for you and say I'm sorry for your laws.

[Justin McElroy]

Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

He's finally eating crickets in heaven now.

[Griffin McElroy]

See, Travis didn't take it seriously. Did you hear it?

[Justin McElroy]

You didn't take it seriously. And also I never learned the gender because you have to candle their little nads to figure out what's what in there.

[Travis McElroy]

And I just very hung up. Cause Griffin mentioned having a big pet turtle. And nothing has ever seemed so right as Griffin McElroy having a large pet turtle as a pet. Having a turtle.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've been thinking about it.

[Travis McElroy]

What if you saw a turtle right

[Justin McElroy]

now crawl up on his little shoulder? No.

[Griffin McElroy]

No. He'd be huge. Dude, I get TikTok content from this channel. And it's this woman who has like a 400 pound enormous turtle. And you know what? This thing's favorite thing on earth to do is smash into all of her patio furniture. Just absolutely fuck this woman's patio up. Every video is her like, hortense, stop. Hortense, stop it. As he just absolutely goes ham on some World market wicker chairs just fucks them clean up. It's awesome. I would love that in my home.

[Travis McElroy]

Get you a big turtle, it might

[Griffin McElroy]

get me a big turtle. Might get me a big turtle dressed like a big turtle right now. A little bit. I think you're right.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm saying it's such a good.

[Griffin McElroy]

It makes sense.

[Travis McElroy]

It feels weird that you don't have a big turtle already.

[Griffin McElroy]

Maybe the thing that's been missing in my life this whole time is a huge turtle.

[Justin McElroy]

That'll be a huge max fun goal. I think sometime is like Griffin gets a turtle.

[Griffin McElroy]

The more support we get, the more members, the bigger the turtle.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, if I could mention to you guys one other little wrinkle. I discovered the situation when I went to feed the bearded dragon one of the 500 roaches that I have just purchased.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, you did mention this just the other day. How many bugs you had bought and brought into your home?

[Justin McElroy]

500 roaches, 500 crickets. Or in a container. Hey, Tron, this animal made you bring a thousand bugs in your house. And guys, it brought 1,000 bugs in at nine.

[Travis McElroy]

And now I have.

[Justin McElroy]

I had 1,001 pets and now I got 1,000. Which I guess in the grand scheme of pets is still pretty good.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I mean, there's gotta be a way for sale.

[Travis McElroy]

1,000 bugs. Never eaten alive Living alive.

[Justin McElroy]

The bugs, all alive. Yeah. Not all alive. It's rough to be a bug, but they're doing okay.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's what the ride at Animal Kingdom at Disney World was all about. You go in, it's tough to be a bug. You see Barry the Bee, you see all the famous movie bugs. Like, oh, shit. Did you hear the news? Yeah, man. Dave passed away last night just from being a bug.

[Travis McElroy]

Better than getting ate, I guess.

[Griffin McElroy]

Better than getting ate by a bigger bug, I guess.

[Justin McElroy]

And they only eat the live ones, which, like, I hope that her pickiness was not her undoing. I did offer a lot of great live bugs, but I don't know.

[Travis McElroy]

Did the pet store you bought them from have a return policy?

[Justin McElroy]

I bought it.

[Travis McElroy]

Too many bugs.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, Trav. I would have to ship them back.

[Griffin McElroy]

This is an ex lizard. That's what it would be like.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes.

[Griffin McElroy]

I made Justin smile again for the first time since the end of the day.

[Justin McElroy]

I did. I just laughed for the first time again. I never thought I'd laugh again.

[Travis McElroy]

I never thought.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think that's my first successfully deployed Monty Python reference, and it kind of laughed.

[Justin McElroy]

I knew they could laugh.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm ruined now, man. I'm gonna be dropping that shit all the time now.

[Justin McElroy]

Were you scared, like, going into it?

[Travis McElroy]

Was there, like, super scared? Which one did you.

[Justin McElroy]

Was it, like, the two wolves?

[Travis McElroy]

Which one?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Yeah. And you.

[Travis McElroy]

Hey, can I say you committed and you nailed it? Yeah, I.

[Justin McElroy]

A couple of weeks ago, I applied online for a job to be a delivery driver for a chain of ice cream shops. They recently reached out to me and asked if I would be free to chat and have a scoop of ice cream on us.

[Griffin McElroy]

Hmm.

[Justin McElroy]

I love ice cream, but I'm not sure what to order in the context of a job interview. Should I get a single scoop in a cup? Should I go crazy?

[Griffin McElroy]

Ooh.

[Justin McElroy]

Should I go for a crazy combination of flavors to show off my creativity? Do I use a spoon? Should I politely refuse? Help me, brothers. That's from Scoop Savvy in Seattle.

[Travis McElroy]

Gotta be a spoon, right? This is not.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's the normal ice cream? There's additional info here.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay. P.S. my normal ice cream order is a double scoop of any two chocolatey flavors in a waffle cone with no spoon.

[Griffin McElroy]

Excellent. Good choice.

[Justin McElroy]

No spoon is not an order. It's a lifestyle.

[Travis McElroy]

Hold the spoon.

[Justin McElroy]

Hold the spoon. Hey, you know what? Order like that, I would hire you

[Travis McElroy]

just on the rocks, on the coat, straight up.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. I worked at an ice cream shop. It was my first job, was at the country's best yogurt, which did serve

[Justin McElroy]

not ice cream free pour.

[Griffin McElroy]

That little correction always comes about 0.75 seconds after I mentioned that it was primarily a frozen yogurt shop. They did have like 20 flavors of ice cream because it was. Anytime anyone ordered ice cream at the country's best yogurt, I'd be like, God damn it. Because the yogurt, you just go with a little handle and then your job's done. And with the ice cream, you gotta fucking. And it always bummed me out so much. God, I miss TCUI Shit, man. Me too. Pretty sweet job. This job is great. I love making content with my family and having so much creative freedom. This job doesn't let me eat free fun sized Snickers bars infinitively in the back room of the job while I play Nintendo ds. That's not an option here.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you want that? We could set that up for you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Oh, man. That I'd be so bad. Don't trust me in a big room full of free Snickers because I have sort of evidence that I can't be trusted in that regard.

[Travis McElroy]

Question ask. You can't do cone any anything in a job interview. Yeah. Where you're like. And it involves a lot of licking. No.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. No one wants that. I think if you're an ice cream delivery driver, I don't know. They want you to be punctual. The ice cream situation is not so important. They want you to be punctual and they want you to not be kind of weird. And if you. I'm afraid if you go with a certain ice cream arrangement. Oh, the worst. A little cake cone with a big swirl and you like.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

I think they've gotten that. You don't want him to get a cone, Griffin.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, I know.

[Justin McElroy]

I think they get it.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

I think they get that you should

[Griffin McElroy]

fucking three popsicles at the same time. Okay, Griff.

[Justin McElroy]

Licking is out. We all get it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Don't lick anything at a job interview is pretty good.

[Travis McElroy]

Unless you're there to be an envelope sealer.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep.

[Justin McElroy]

They're not.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's a thing.

[Justin McElroy]

I said it.

[Travis McElroy]

So I think that as a delivery driver, I want someone who doesn't hate ice cream. But I don't wanna worry about them eating the product on the way there. Yeah, you know what I mean?

[Griffin McElroy]

I was not screened for this particular trait.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't want you going too ham. The product's already been sold. You're delivering it. I don't need you to sell it. I Don't need to see. You're enthusiastic about it. I came to see that you have a healthy respect for the product. Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

If it gets out that when you do a job interview at this company, let's call it the country's worst yogurt, and you roll up and they're like, have a scoop on us. But you're actually allowed to have a free double fudgy double blast sundae with extra, extra drippings on it. And you eat that, and they're like, you haven't said anything this whole interview. You just go, yummy. And you'll be like, yeah, guess I don't get the job. Guess what? Next day, you're gonna put on a wig, you're gonna put on a big fake beard, and you're gonna come back in the next day for the next.

[Travis McElroy]

Hello, I'd like to interview for the job, too. I'm a great driver.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let me get a double fudgy Super Duper blast with extra fucking food.

[Justin McElroy]

This person is unemployed. They need a job. Griffin, you're not helping. You're getting the job. Yeah, they don't need food.

[Griffin McElroy]

They have infinite ice cream and as many hundreds and thousands as they can possibly fit in their pocket.

[Travis McElroy]

There's a lot of peanuts you could get on there.

[Justin McElroy]

Cherries.

[Travis McElroy]

That's fruits and protein, baby.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's fruits and protein cones.

[Travis McElroy]

How crazy do you think you can go with the toppings before they're like, actually, I think we're done here.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think the toppings are an instant fail if you go for it. The cream. I always looked it down on people who put toppings on their ice cream, which already contained nuts. Nuts. Listen, the cream already is folded in with nuts and mallows and chocolate chippies and all kinds of wonderful strawberries.

[Travis McElroy]

Keep going.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm just saying the cream has all kinds of great stuff in it. You're saying, like, but what if it also had.

[Justin McElroy]

You can't make toppings on ice cream, you lunatic.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, why put icing? That cake has sugar in it.

[Griffin McElroy]

What are you talking about? Super duper, duper messy. 2. A lot of ice cream toppings. Guys, I worked at the country's best yogurt. Who the fuck do you think you're fucking talking to right now? Guess what percentage of ice cream toppings are, like, on a fundamental level, compromised by being rubbed all over smooth, cold, wet cream. The answer is almost all of them. Almost all? Try getting gummy bears on your ice cream. My kids do it every time. Every time I have to say, nope, Those get Rock hard, inedible and gross. Don't fucking do it.

[Justin McElroy]

But they do it all the time. I want to be the sort of person that just, like, waits till they get there and thinks, what kind of ice cream would I enjoy? And then they order that. And then the boss is like, huh, Tell me about your order. And then you're like, I don't know. That's what I felt like. I wanna be that person. You know, where do I. But the problem is, once you've thought about it ahead of time, you're no longer that person. So what the fuck are you supposed to do? Not think about it?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I like to pretend to be that person.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

But there's a voice at the back of my head who's like, you know what you're getting? And I'm like, I don't know. This is a new place. Maybe they have different flavors. And it's like, you.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

And then I get. And I look and I'm like, hmm. Oh, you know what is jumping out to me?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

This, like, chocolate peanut butter. Yeah. And it's like, that's what you were planning the whole fucking time.

[Justin McElroy]

You knew that about peanut butter. You're right, Trev. Just like at Baskin Robbins. There's chocolate peanut butter, you know, there's Basket Robbins on how girl was for sale for a little bit.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, really?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, almost. I was thinking about it. I was like, dude, should I be an ice cream man?

[Travis McElroy]

Justin Robinson?

[Griffin McElroy]

Is that a career path for me?

[Justin McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

I can show you the ropes, kid.

[Justin McElroy]

I was showing you the ropes. I was worried. Honestly, the reason I didn't do it is that I was worried that, first of all, I don't know how to do that. Like, that's a huge.

[Griffin McElroy]

That hasn't stopped you from doing.

[Justin McElroy]

A lot of straight white guys will do this thing where, like. So I just. I don't know how to.

[Travis McElroy]

So that's the one thing that stopped me.

[Justin McElroy]

The other thing is, like, where's the ice cream?

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you make the ice cream? Like, where's it fucking ice cream?

[Travis McElroy]

I assume someone else took care of this.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, I just realized I saw in the future of, like, Baskin Robbins trying to tell me how to do it. I can't be in a fight with corporate all the time about the cool way I want to sell ice cream. You know what I mean? Like, if I want to call mine the Dirty Baskin Rob.

[Griffin McElroy]

Welcome to.

[Justin McElroy]

Welcome to Nightmare Basketball.

[Griffin McElroy]

Welcome to Tim Robbins. It's a Tim Robbins themed Baskin Robbins.

[Travis McElroy]

We're watching.

[Griffin McElroy]

We Got monitors for the kids. We got Shawshank going mask in Tim Robbins.

[Travis McElroy]

Really come in and soak it all in.

[Justin McElroy]

We got a thousand bats in Tim Robbins.

[Griffin McElroy]

You gotta try our double fudgy Mystic River Caribouble streak cheesecake. It's so good.

[Travis McElroy]

Do you want some Timmies on that? That's what we call sprinkles.

[Justin McElroy]

Hey, Tim Robinson, I think you should leave. This is a Tim Robbins basket roll. We should take a break. Yeah. Is that right?

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, sounds good to me.

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, let's take a quick commercial break.

[Theme Song Singer]

It's better. It's better.

[Justin McElroy]

You want to get your money figured out. You. The first step is figuring out where it all is. Like awareness, right? Where is it all going?

[Travis McElroy]

It is how?

[Justin McElroy]

What it is. Where is it going? Hey, Money, get back here. Where are you guys going? Well, here's. Here's your. Your answer is Rocket Money. Yes. Rocket Money. Hey, check out my finances. Tell me about my little money soldiers. Where are they going? Off to battle, you know what I mean? I want to know where are they fighting? Where? Maybe I don't need to. Maybe there's a subscription you forgot about, or 20 that maybe you don't need to be sending your money to anymore.

[Travis McElroy]

Well, you can just kill. Maybe that's already dead in this scenario. Like you're sending. Wait, I'm trying to follow Justice League. You're sending your money soldiers.

[Justin McElroy]

It's like a Soldiers. Money's. Listen, I watched a lot of Shark Tank and Money's soldiers, okay? Money is troops. War is basically for money.

[Griffin McElroy]

War is everything.

[Travis McElroy]

War is hell.

[Justin McElroy]

War is how money changes.

[Travis McElroy]

But it does have change and dollars in it.

[Justin McElroy]

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. You monitor your spending, and it helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. I mean, that's not complicated, guys. That's just Rocket Money.

[Griffin McElroy]

They categorize your spendings for you so you can look and see that where you're. Where you've deployed SEAL Team 6, the world's most elite.

[Travis McElroy]

That's your credit card group.

[Griffin McElroy]

Your credit card Is Seal Team 6 elite operatives doing the dirty work that keeps America safe. I'm trying to, Heavy Chicken.

[Justin McElroy]

I want to be a part of it. I love you, big boy. I love you.

[Griffin McElroy]

Just want to be a part of it, man.

[Justin McElroy]

I love you so much. Have you noticed how Everybody is putting 250? We can all get a hand on that ball, huh? I saw Doritos Extreme garlic Parmesan. America's 250, which, like, fuck.

[Travis McElroy]

Fair play.

[Justin McElroy]

Doritos. Like, absolutely, man.

[Griffin McElroy]

We should do another episode.

[Justin McElroy]

250.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah.

[Griffin McElroy]

Awesome. Rocket Money would probably think that's a great idea because of how much money we would make on it. And Rocket Money's always telling us, you guys are spending your money in such a wild way. You told us to stop you if you tried to spend money this way. And we would. We're just letting you know we're concerned. But yeah, I've actually used Rocket Money a lot and it always catches my kids iPad subscriptions in the dragnet. I guess their fingerprint is close enough to mine that they can authorize Apple ID purchases sometimes.

[Travis McElroy]

Or they do it while you're sleeping.

[Griffin McElroy]

Or they do it while you're sleeping.

[Travis McElroy]

They just walk over to you, grab your thumb, bing, bong.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep.

[Travis McElroy]

Yep.

[Griffin McElroy]

So, yeah, thank you. Thank you, Rocket Money, for sponsoring the show. And everyone should use it. If you want to keep your money straight, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] my brother. That's RocketMoney.com mybrother one last time. RocketMoney.com mybrother wouldn't you guys think.

[Travis McElroy]

Don't you think it'd be cool if in Fallout 5, it started with them saying, like, turns out sometimes war changes.

[Griffin McElroy]

War does change.

[Travis McElroy]

And then it's like, bionic sharks are fighting the war that you have to fight, and you're like a dolphin with legs. Big change. Wouldn't that be fucking cool? Warframes makes the perfect gift for any occasion, even if that occasion is just letting someone know how important they are to you, how much they mean to you, because you can constantly be adding new things to it, New pictures, even, like little video clips or whatever. Sometimes my kids scare the shit out of me by hitting play on a video when I didn't know they were standing by the aura frame. And suddenly noise starts coming out of it and I think I'm being attacked. But other than that, it's great.

[Griffin McElroy]

I love it. You need to have fewer videos of men yelling and chasing you. That's true. Like, strangers, men. You put them on the aura frame because it couldn't be easier to put stuff on it or a frame if it's someone else's that doesn't know how to do technology stuff. You can, like, manage it for him. So, like, for your dad, if he's maybe not so great at technology for Father's Day, it would fill that need. Don't put videos of men screaming and yelling his name that they're going to get him and that they know what he did.

[Travis McElroy]

Even if it's pleasant screaming, it can still be off putting, you know what I mean? I don't need people cheering for me for sitting down.

[Griffin McElroy]

Only beautiful memories of you and them and your loved ones.

[Travis McElroy]

And quiet men.

[Griffin McElroy]

And quiet men whispering your name.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, quiet whispering men. Load up your dad's aura frame for Father's Day with quiet whispering men.

[Griffin McElroy]

Dennis, we're not. Dennis, we're not going to get you.

[Travis McElroy]

You know how your dad loves lost. You can recreate the lost experience for your dad by filling his aura frame with quiet, whispering men. Yeah, just occasionally whisper some gibberish.

[Griffin McElroy]

We don't know what you did, Dennis.

[Travis McElroy]

No one's talking about no one.

[Griffin McElroy]

You're safe. You're so safe.

[Travis McElroy]

Bigfoot loves you. Something like that, you know.

[Griffin McElroy]

Name number one by Wirecutter. You can save now by visiting oriframes.com for a limited time. Listeners can get $35 off their best selling Carver mat frame with code My brother. That's a U R A frames.com promo code my brother. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

[Justin McElroy]

Sunscreen companies calculate SPF by testing it on volunteers butts.

[Griffin McElroy]

There is a can of salt Spam in the Mariana Trench.

[Justin McElroy]

A Nobel prize winning physicist from the Manhattan Project invented modern speed bumps.

[Griffin McElroy]

Mesoamerican native people invented kidney medicine that glows in the dark.

[Justin McElroy]

On the podcast Secretly Incredibly Fascinating, we

[Griffin McElroy]

explore this kind of amazing stuff, stuff about ordinary topics like sunscreen and spam and speed bumps, topics you'd never expect to be.

[Justin McElroy]

The title of the podcast Secretly Incredibly Fascinating.

[Griffin McElroy]

Find us by searching for the word

[Justin McElroy]

secretly in your podcast app [e-mail].

[Guest or Advertiser Voice]

If you like too many podcasts, you'll love Sound Heap with John Luke Roberts. It's got clips from all your favourite podcasts, such as Diary of a Tiny CEO Leonard Sprague.

[Justin McElroy]

Tell me how you make your money.

[Griffin McElroy]

I go to the beach and I steal people's towels.

[Guest or Advertiser Voice]

Remember armor?

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you remember the trend of everyone

[Guest or Advertiser Voice]

whacking themselves on the head with hammers and mallets when they wanted to lose weight? And Eltie Jom's lobby songs. I'm here today with Kiki D. Hello,

[Griffin McElroy]

Kiki D. Hello, Elton.

[Guest or Advertiser Voice]

There's dozens of episodes to catch up on and brand new episodes going out right now. So if you want far, far, far too many podcasts, then look for Sound Heap on Maximum Fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

Boop boop. All right.

[Travis McElroy]

Huh?

[Justin McElroy]

Yes. I wanna munch Squad. I want to Munch Squad. Welcome to Munch Squad's podcast within a podcast. The thermostat is heating up, and I couldn't be more excited over here.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. Hot Boy Summer.

[Justin McElroy]

And America's ice cream purveyors are also very excited. I just want to talk about the summer of America. Please, please, I'm begging you, QSR Magazine, stop showing me the Pop up for that pizza. They don't have it in my area, and I want to eat it very bad. The first one. I wanted to tell you. Trav, this is a local interest story that I wanted to mention. Graders, baby. Guess what Graders is doing for 2026. Now, of course, these.

[Travis McElroy]

The.

[Justin McElroy]

They're celebrating America's 250th. Okay. With a cherry sparkler that's crafted to celebrate the nation's 250th birthday, this wild cherry ice cream combines red and blue popping candy folded into every star spangled scoop.

[Travis McElroy]

Now, if it wasn't graters, I would question how that possibly holds up. A thing that dissolves when it hits moisture. Yeah, yeah. In an iceberg. But it's graders, and I trust them.

[Griffin McElroy]

They'll figure it out.

[Justin McElroy]

But, Trav, here's the really exciting one. Ghost Notes.

[Guest or Advertiser Voice]

Ghost Notes.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, I know about this. I saw this.

[Griffin McElroy]

Go ahead, Trav.

[Travis McElroy]

Kings island is bringing back the Phantom Theater.

[Griffin McElroy]

Holy shit. That is it, dude.

[Justin McElroy]

It's reopened. Kings Island.

[Griffin McElroy]

Get out.

[Justin McElroy]

We can be the spokespeople for Kings Island.

[Griffin McElroy]

Please, please, get at us. We'll do anything.

[Travis McElroy]

Please, please. And this is the greater's Phantom Theater. Ice cream tie in.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. So it's Ghost Notes celebrates Kings Island's new ride. Phantom Theater opening nightmare.

[Griffin McElroy]

New ride.

[Justin McElroy]

Very quick history on this ride. I'm gonna try to do it from memory, so apologies if I mess any of the steps up. It starts out as Phantom Theater, which is a themed dark room.

[Travis McElroy]

No. Started off as Smurfs.

[Justin McElroy]

Yes. God, Travis, you're right. Oh, that's all the way back to the Hanna Barbera integration. Right. Okay, so it's a dark ride that Smurfs, and then they lose that license, and then it becomes Phantom Theater. Right. And then they get the Scooby Doo license.

[Travis McElroy]

With Paramount.

[Justin McElroy]

With Paramount. And then it becomes Scooby Doo Boo Blasters on Boo Hill.

[Griffin McElroy]

Fuck sucked.

[Justin McElroy]

And then they lose this Scooby Doo thing. So then it's just a bunch of people that kind of look like Scooby Doo.

[Travis McElroy]

People running around, Eric. You know, it's the gang. Harry and Frank and Daphne.

[Justin McElroy]

Grubo Shabby dog. Shabby dabby dog. Yeah. But they finally are reopening as the Phantom Theater opening nightmare. And the maestro's back. Yeah, it's very cool. Good news. Good news.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do they still have the room where they have a big oven and they blast you with fucking. A 15 second uninterrupted jet of really hot air.

[Travis McElroy]

The best way to dry off after it rained at the park.

[Griffin McElroy]

You get wet on one of them wet rides. You go on Phantom Theater. It's cold in the beginning, but then they blast you with that oven. It feels so good.

[Travis McElroy]

Get hit by that Dyson hand dryer of a ride.

[Justin McElroy]

It's so good, you can get it. Ghost notes right now, Trav, so make sure you bring me a pint. Carvel is a chain that has not been a big presence in our neck of the woods in West Virginia. But I do want to tell you they are celebrating America good with the USA Carvalanche. That's Carvel soft serve mixed with red, white and blue M and M candies.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. Those are an edge case. They are a little harder to get through in an ice cold context, but they do. I mean, the candy shell does a lot of work.

[Justin McElroy]

There is also one thing I wanted to highlight here that is a new trend for summer that I've not seen before. But two places are doing it, which is the side eye celebration of the World Cup. Without actually mentioning it, There is a

[Travis McElroy]

limited edition game kind of play.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah, there's a limited edition the Big Cup. The limited edition soccer themed ice cream cake created for summer soccer viewing occasions.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, that could be, you know. Yeah, sure.

[Justin McElroy]

Baskin Robbins, by the way, for June, not July. We don't know what they're doing for the 250th yet, but they're launching futball fireworks. Not to be confused with Futball day in Norte Americano. This is futball di classico. The brand's June flavor of the month is made for superfans. Soccer moms, local legends and aspiring stars are like, weird that we're still just taking gendered strays just from nowhere, right? Totally.

[Griffin McElroy]

We're just like randomly like, hey, soccer.

[Travis McElroy]

Soccer moms.

[Justin McElroy]

Pop. Yeah, you know, like moms do soccer, right? Pow.

[Griffin McElroy]

Dads don't give a shit about soccer.

[Justin McElroy]

What?

[Travis McElroy]

What?

[Griffin McElroy]

What are you talking about? What do you mean, soccer?

[Justin McElroy]

Okay, it's a winning combo of sweet cream soda ice cream cherry flavored sherbet with bonus assists from green apple and blue raspberry popping candy, plus blue raspberry Swirls, too.

[Travis McElroy]

That's a lot of shit.

[Griffin McElroy]

As a.

[Justin McElroy]

As a.

[Griffin McElroy]

As a beverage, as a sweet treat. That's too much shit. As a little representation of America on its quarter Millennial, I think it's not bad. It's pretty accurate, I think, for the state of things now.

[Justin McElroy]

But what about the King?

[Travis McElroy]

Wait, is that a drink?

[Justin McElroy]

What?

[Travis McElroy]

Is that a drink?

[Justin McElroy]

No. It's the flavor of the month for June.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. I was so worried that I was gonna be sipping on my soda through a straw and a popping candy would shoot up through the straw and hit me and make my heart explode.

[Justin McElroy]

You know, milkshake would be a boss poll if you want to be a delivery driver for an ice cream place. Cause that's on the go, Right? But ice cream based. But you can only get it at the store so they know they have power over you.

[Griffin McElroy]

It is the hardest thing to make too. Guys. I got so jacked making milkshakes. I missed milkshakes.

[Travis McElroy]

How were you making it? Were you churning it?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah, man. You had one of those fucking things in the big metal cup and you had to.

[Travis McElroy]

Blenders.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've done a lot of really, really suggestive pantomimes, and I have never been particularly aware of that shit. But our pivot to video that we've made 12 years too late is, like, really illuminating to me that I just do a lot of jerk off motions when pretending to do other sort of tasks.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, we don't let you hang out with our kids.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

One last quick check in on Burger King. Going absolutely wild for July. There's three new summer menu items. First is the loaded jalapeno whopper. It's an all new guest creation. It's 100% flame grilled beef with crispy pickled jalapenos layered with creamy jalapeno sauce. And then the other stuff that's usually there. And it says delivering the spicy kick guests have been asking for. So that's good news.

[Griffin McElroy]

Can I ask what the 100% is representing in the phrase 100% grilled beef?

[Justin McElroy]

No breadcrumbs anymore.

[Griffin McElroy]

So it's just straight up. So it's 100% beef grilled. 100% grilled beef. Makes me think that you have every

[Justin McElroy]

100% flame grilled beef.

[Griffin McElroy]

Is the flame. The flame was turned up to what,

[Justin McElroy]

for like 20 seconds? And then flame grill it. All right. At the end, it's 100% cooked.

[Travis McElroy]

Every bit of this thing is grilled. It's grilled special tesseract that we put it in that's able to grill it from every angle at once.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why is my beef patty, like 10% the size that is supposed to. Well, the 100% grilling, it reduces. There's no moisture in that.

[Travis McElroy]

There's some meat loss.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Whereas the beef is in. The beef is in the cloud. The beef is just kind of. We evaporated.

[Travis McElroy]

We digitize the beef for your convenience.

[Justin McElroy]

Next up is the orange dreamsicle Freezy King.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yep.

[Justin McElroy]

And it says.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

No, listen, guys, we gotta. Don't get like Pavlov's dogs over here. Freezy King is the new home for our frozen innovation. The first time that one of these brands decided that they were launching a drink platform, we should have stopped them. Like McCosmick, all that shit. We should have said, no, you cannot have bubbles by Captain D's. You know what I mean? Like, you can't do it. You can just have drinks. It's not a new home for frozen innovation. It's a new lever on the fucking slushy machine.

[Travis McElroy]

Stop it. No, I will listen. No matter how excited I get about an orange creamsicle thing, describing a beverage as an innovation, unless there's some new cybernetic way of consuming it that makes it so, like, I look at the drink and I'm. I've drunk it or something. It's not innovation. It's just a different flavor of drink.

[Justin McElroy]

But what about the birthday? What about the B day? We got the firecracker cookie pie. A chilled crunch experience.

[Griffin McElroy]

Firecracker cookie pie. That's three different words, man.

[Justin McElroy]

That's crazy. Fire cracker. Cookie pie. Cracker is a chilled crunch experience that layers velvety cream over a crisp sugar cookie crust topped with red, white, and blue star shaped sprinkles to celebrate America's 250th birthday. It's a chilled crunch experience.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah. Honey, you look different. Yeah, I. It's just I had a chilled crunch experience today and I. I don't know. It's changed.

[Griffin McElroy]

Shook me to my core.

[Travis McElroy]

Everything I'm looking at things different colors just aren't as bright anymore. And I don't find joy in you or the children's faces. It's just not the same.

[Justin McElroy]

Griffin, I just texted you this quote from Joel Yashinsky because if I read it, you guys are gonna think I read it wrong.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay. As the weather heats up, we know our guests are craving for fun flavors that they and experience and share, said Joel.

[Justin McElroy]

Sorry, say it again.

[Griffin McElroy]

That they and experience and share, said Joel Yashinsky, chief marketing Officer Burger King, usnc. Whether they're looking for a full meal or a sweet or savory snack, these new limited time menu items deliver the type of innovation guests with a capital G for some reason have been looking for. And we're continuing to listen and give them what they want.

[Travis McElroy]

There, I said what you wanted me to say. Please let me go. Set me free, says Dave.

[Justin McElroy]

Dave Joel says it's getting hotter, so we make colder things. And if you want to eat a lot or a little bit, we'll do it. No problem.

[Griffin McElroy]

Let us fucking know, man.

[Justin McElroy]

Just let us know. And we're gonna keep doing this, okay? You keep saying whatever, and we'll do it. And they experience and share and they. And experience.

[Griffin McElroy]

Please stop complaining about our food. When you complain about our make it

[Justin McElroy]

as good as we can.

[Griffin McElroy]

Do you guys know how hard it is?

[Travis McElroy]

We don't know how to do it

[Justin McElroy]

better other than spending more money to do it.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like, if we get to do it and doing better stuff, but, like, we have to grill 100% of this goddamn thing.

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

You know how long that takes per burger?

[Griffin McElroy]

It takes forever.

[Justin McElroy]

If you all would stop eating the middle 10%, you greedy pigs, then we wouldn't have to cook it. That's the hardest part, the 90% around it.

[Griffin McElroy]

And stop telling us you want more chicken fries as a joke, because you keep doing it, and we keep bringing them back, and then no one buys

[Justin McElroy]

them, no one orders them, no one orders it.

[Griffin McElroy]

And you send us a note that's like, ha, ha, ha. Got you again. No one likes chicken fries, idiot. That hurts my feelings.

[Travis McElroy]

We bought chicken fries with all the chicken fries we have left. Jim needed a house, and we didn't have money because we spent it all on chicken fries. Right now.

[Griffin McElroy]

We spent it all on chicken fries. You ruined this guy's fucking life with your chicken fries.

[Justin McElroy]

Brank.

[Griffin McElroy]

Firecracker. Cookie pie. Firecracker.

[Justin McElroy]

Cookie pie.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm gonna be thinking, firecracker Cookie pie. It sounds like the title letter.

[Justin McElroy]

Let the motherfucker burn.

[Travis McElroy]

Firecracker.

[Justin McElroy]

Let Cookie pie burn.

[Griffin McElroy]

I went more. It sounds like a rave. Like a rave track that one might get from, like, you might hear on a RuPaul's Drag Race like a Rebecca Black. Like, just sort of one for the one for dancing and forgetting about it.

[Justin McElroy]

Firecracker, Cookie pie. My boyfriend is a horology nerd, and so I've bought him a pocket watch and a miniature grandfather clock. I'm trying to put together what the word horology means from context clues, time

[Griffin McElroy]

Time.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm not gonna look it up. The only problem is. The only problem is they both have mechanical movements. These clocks tick loudly. How can I disguise or suppress the sound of them at night when he sleeps at mine so as not to spoil his gifts? I know the easiest thing would be to stop them. But mechanical clocks work best when they run consistently. And I can't afford the service fee. My neighborhood is dead quiet and my apartment is small. Any help is appreciated. And that's from Conspicuous Clock Clamor in Cambridge.

[Griffin McElroy]

I mean, I have some great thoughts on this.

[Travis McElroy]

Oh, yeah, I do.

[Griffin McElroy]

The ticking would drive you absolutely wild. Unless it was the steady beat of a popular song. How many beats per minute is the second hand putting out?

[Travis McElroy]

Probably 60.

[Griffin McElroy]

Probably 60? Yeah, is what I.

[Travis McElroy]

If I had to guess, I just

[Griffin McElroy]

looked up 60 bpm songs. We got Kiss From a Rose by Seal. You could get that cranking. I'm talking about a playlist of 60 bpm songs. My Girl by Otis Redding. Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding. These Arms of Mine by Otis Redding. Otis Redding worked at the natural sort of rhythm of the universe. And I fucking love that. I'm all about that new slang, skinny love. There's like a lot of tracks that are just kind of there for you. You have to sync it up just right. Cause you can't have the title.

[Travis McElroy]

I have sleepy songs. I don't know if Try A Little Tenderness would put me to sleep.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, well, take that then. Don't do that one.

[Travis McElroy]

Do a different one. That's my favorite one on the list. You just said.

[Justin McElroy]

Can you convince your partner, like. Okay, yes, it's true. I am a clockwork man.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

I was assembled by Dr. Zelias, and he died before he could give me a soul. But it's true. You hear the ticking of my heart. I am a clockwork boy and only your love has brought me to life.

[Griffin McElroy]

So it's their. So their boyfriend is the nerd about clocks. And you're saying that you would say, I am a clockwork person. And I don't understand how this is going to help them sleep at night.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm hung up on the it's true part, as though the partner has always suspected that they are a clockwork boy. And you're finally confirming it.

[Justin McElroy]

Sorry, say again.

[Travis McElroy]

I don't see where the.

[Justin McElroy]

So what you.

[Travis McElroy]

Trav.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm gonna explain it to you one time, but I do feel like explaining Rob some of the genius, but I will explain. You are telling your partner that ticking sound that you hear Is not a gift for you. It is in fact the ticking of my heart because I am a clogwork boy by Dr. Zalius.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

And he died before he could give me a soul. But your love has made me right.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'll tell you what happened here. There was a bit of a false start because I saw. How can I suppress the sound of them at night? And I just thought it was because they were so loud that they made you not be able to fall asleep easily. That was me projecting my own shit on you. I didn't realize the layer about you didn't want to give away. So, yeah. Saying you're a clockwork boy. Strong idea. Strong idea. Juice you miss Strong idea.

[Justin McElroy]

Like it's a gift. I don't want to spoil.

[Griffin McElroy]

Was that the main kind of thrust?

[Travis McElroy]

But they do want to spoil the big reveal that it's true. They are a clockwork boy. They're a clockwork.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, so even with my own mistake,

[Justin McElroy]

now that you understand my initial. Can you react to it with a little more earnest? Like, wonder. Like a little.

[Travis McElroy]

Can you give us the line again?

[Justin McElroy]

Yeah. No, I actually won't be delivering the premise a third time. It's exhausting emotionally and mentally.

[Travis McElroy]

I can't do it again.

[Griffin McElroy]

He has to pretend to be a clockwork boy. Like Hugo trapped.

[Travis McElroy]

I do.

[Griffin McElroy]

Like.

[Travis McElroy]

Can I just say, Justin, when you were doing a voice as the clockwork voice confirming the truth.

[Griffin McElroy]

That's cool. He did it again. He said he wouldn't, but then he did. Fucking me.

[Travis McElroy]

It's very. It's even more human, I think, than you normally sound.

[Justin McElroy]

I have a porcelain heart.

[Griffin McElroy]

I have a porcelain heart.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

My porcelain heart ticking. So it echoes terribly.

[Griffin McElroy]

Why do they have a porcelain heart ticking if they're a clock?

[Justin McElroy]

He was a prototype, a Dr. Zayas. Before he could.

[Griffin McElroy]

Dr. Zayas could harvest a tree.

[Travis McElroy]

Dr. Zayas did it.

[Justin McElroy]

Zelius.

[Travis McElroy]

Zelius Zayas was his assistant.

[Justin McElroy]

His monkey assistant.

[Travis McElroy]

His monkey assistant. Oh, it's a tie in. This is all part of the Planet of the Apes universe.

[Justin McElroy]

Heart of the Planet of the Apes.

[Griffin McElroy]

What's the next 10 words of this idea? Do you know how disappointed this person's going to be when they find out their partner is not, in fact, a clockwork?

[Travis McElroy]

The love made them real, Griffin.

[Justin McElroy]

The love made them real.

[Griffin McElroy]

But is the ticking still go? Are you still gonna give them the clock and the watch at some point? Cause they'll probably figure out when you do get. You gotta smash this grandfather clock.

[Travis McElroy]

Is their actual grandfather.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah. Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

That's actually Very good. I actually like that now, Trav. That's actually good. That's my grandpa. Please ignore him. I'll move him out of the room so he doesn't watch our lovemaking.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, yeah, that's right. I can go forever to the power of steam. I can go forever.

[Griffin McElroy]

There are some cultures in which giving someone a clock is. Is a bad. Is it bad luck is a bad thing to do? Because I think it is, like, reminds folks of that you're gonna die. Or, like, is the same character in I Can't Remember. I'll Google it later. And then next time I talk about this, I'll sound, like, super duper smart. But do you think when that sort of became a thing where they're like, giving someone a clock is a very rude gift because it's like you're telling them they're gonna die? Do you think the clocks industry was

[Travis McElroy]

like, shit, no, I don't know about all that.

[Griffin McElroy]

I think I understand your hang up, But I think clocks make a. Make a great fucking gift. And you should get our. We got all kinds of new clocks this season.

[Travis McElroy]

This one has a cuckoo that comes out of it. That's new. You guys like that, huh?

[Griffin McElroy]

No one is picking up our clock catalogs off the grocery store shelves. I'm starting to get a little bit worried about this season, the block.

[Justin McElroy]

I went home, and he was like, you're right, Deborah. I should have done paintings.

[Travis McElroy]

That would have been a better.

[Justin McElroy]

That would have been a better wall thing.

[Travis McElroy]

You're right.

[Griffin McElroy]

Damn it.

[Travis McElroy]

Damn it. Question asker. Sundial.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay.

[Justin McElroy]

What is that?

[Travis McElroy]

Silence.

[Griffin McElroy]

What?

[Travis McElroy]

You're gonna replace.

[Griffin McElroy]

Bought already?

[Justin McElroy]

It's bought. You can't fix it with a sundial.

[Travis McElroy]

You're gonna. Okay. Gift to the Magi. I sold the grandfather clock and the pocket watch to get you this cool sundial.

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. In the Gift of the Magi, once again, in our series of misunderstanding, the point of the gifts for the Magi, I don't think they sold something belonging to their partner to get their partner a present. I'm realizing now, I. Hey, I sold your car to get you this book. I don't think that that happened.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, no, in this case, OBI sold your watch to get you this watch case. Shit, that was really bad.

[Travis McElroy]

I wasn't even thinking about it at the time.

[Justin McElroy]

Do you think the first person who finished reading that story, they put it down? They're like, oh, Henry, I don't think this is very good. I don't really understand it. And then O. Henry had to be like, it's not. It's more like everything else will relate back to this. Like, you'll only kind of understand it in retro. It's only gonna make sense when other things happen that are like this. But like right now, in isolation, I understand that it's like, it's just kind of very sad. Like, I get that it's not a very good story.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, it's kind of sad. It's kind of sad.

[Justin McElroy]

It's kind of sad. But it's like it's not a very good story. I understand. But it'll be very useful story later.

[Travis McElroy]

I created a reference point for other people. What I've done here is a huge humanity sacrifice where I've written a weird story, but later it'll make other people's weird stories make more sense. Right. But they need this.

[Justin McElroy]

Contextually, as a culture, we need this. Even though I'll admit I don't really know how to feel about it either.

[Travis McElroy]

Frank Kafka wrote this story about a guy who turns into a big bug. It doesn't make any sense, but it's gonna help other things make sense later. So you're welcome.

[Griffin McElroy]

He sells his watch to buy her combs for her hair. And she sells her hair to buy him a chain for his watch.

[Travis McElroy]

She sells seashells.

[Griffin McElroy]

Well, no, she'll grow the hair back.

[Travis McElroy]

We've talked about this at least three times.

[Griffin McElroy]

Okay, nevermind.

[Justin McElroy]

I actually don't want to. And you know what? Luckily we don't have to because that's the end of the podcast. We've gotten here once again, just as I knew we would. You guys at the beginning were like, I don't know, how are we ever gonna do it? I was like, cut this part out later. But not inspired you for like 15 minutes.

[Travis McElroy]

You remember?

[Griffin McElroy]

Yeah.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, man, that's cool.

[Griffin McElroy]

I've never felt so good about the

[Justin McElroy]

work that we do.

[Griffin McElroy]

We have some new merch in the merch store [e-mail] got a new shirt. It's a design with. You're going to be amazing. From Taz Balance. It was designed by Sabrina Volante and all the proceeds from that shirt go to lambda legal. And 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will also be donated to Lambda Legal, a national organization working to achieve full recognition of the civil rights of LGBTQ and everyone living with HIV through impact litigation, education and public policy work. Our merch is all [e-mail]. there's a lot of stuff up there.

[Travis McElroy]

We've also got the make it sick sticky notes by Evan Cruz over there as well. Make sure you check those out.

[Griffin McElroy]

Also, I believe we are five weeks away this week from the release of the Adventure Zone story and song graphic novel. The final graphic we should finish novel in our series. We should finish writing it quick. Go to theadventurezonecomic.com you can pre order that now there's some special editions available at like Barnes and Noble and Books a million and they've got some stuff you can get for your order. But wherever you get it is just help us out. If you think you're going to read it, pre ordering it helps us out a great deal. Thank you to Montagne for the use of our theme song My Life Is Better with youh. I really appreciate that. Montaigne continues. So let us use this song. They're so talented and the song absolutely rips and just. Thank you.

[Travis McElroy]

Somebody's gotta throw something. Oh yeah.

[Justin McElroy]

Oh, I got a box. No, Tripod. Ooh, tripod. Ooh, that's a big one.

[Griffin McElroy]

Are you sure?

[Justin McElroy]

I'm positive.

[Griffin McElroy]

I can't wait to see where he fucking throws this.

[Travis McElroy]

Yeah, I don't know what he's aiming for here.

[Griffin McElroy]

You know you gotta hum it right? Juice, you gotta really wang this.

[Justin McElroy]

I'm too big.

[Travis McElroy]

Okay. I'm do a water bottle flip. I do a water bottle flip.

[Griffin McElroy]

Wait, he can't hear us. He's just throwing a case at his phone. Wow. I'm Justin mcelroy.

[Travis McElroy]

I'm Travis mcelroy.

[Griffin McElroy]

I'm Griffin mcelroy.

[Justin McElroy]

This has been my brother. My brother. Everybody kiss your dad square on the L.

[Theme Song Singer]

You. My life it's better, it's better with you it's better My life, it's better, it's better with you. Is it true? It's better, it's better with you My life.

[Justin McElroy]

Maximum Fun.

[Griffin McElroy]

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