Are we already eating PEOPLE? (with Langston and David)

Summary

My Momma Told Me – Episode Summary

Episode: Are we already eating PEOPLE? (with Langston and David)
Date: July 28, 2026
Hosts: Langston Kerman & David Gborie

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Episode Overview

This raucous, freewheeling episode marks Langston and David’s energetic return to the studio (under the new Wave network), diving deep into one of the most macabre and hilarious conspiracy theories: Are we already eating people? The hosts riff on the idea that human meat may have unknowingly found its way into our diets, dissecting the plausibility, logistics, and darkly comic implications of secret cannibalism. Along the way, they explore related conspiracies, highlight Black urban legends, and banter on everything from Love Island erections to regional sodas and the economics of “cheap meat.” The tone is irreverent, self-aware, and highly comedic—as always.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Getting Comfortable in the New Studio (00:46–10:35)

• Hosts joke about wishing for late-in-life nicknames ("Shades") and new aspirations as the podcast takes off (pools, fashion, fitness).
  • Memorable Quote:
    “I could tell you spent a lot of time on the [sunglasses] choice...And we’re still not calling you Shades.” — David (01:30)
• Lots of inside jokes, playful teasing, feeling themselves post-hiatus:
  “You thought we were finished...Look at us now, we shining.” — David (06:08)
• Excitement about joining the Wave network, gratitude to team members.

The Purpose of the Show: Nothing Proven, Nothing Learned (10:34–14:37)

• Quick reaffirmation that the podcast is about exploring Black conspiracy theories in a comedic, unserious way:
  • “We finally work to prove not a goddamn thing.” — Langston (10:46)
  • “We want you to learn nothing from us.” — David (10:50)
• They riff on celebrities pretending to be experts and the freedom of admitting ignorance.

Popeyes, Biscuits, and the Meat Supply (15:12–16:05)

• Quick tangent about Popeyes’ biscuits:
  • “Their biscuits are mostly the bones that they're hoping to discard.” — Langston (15:29)
• Joking about the “mystery meat” quality of chicken chains as a transition into...

Main Conspiracy: Are We Already Eating People? (16:05–32:49)

Framing the Urban Legend (16:05–17:15)

• Langston introduces the Black urban legend: “My mama told me that we are already cannibals.”
• “More of us have eaten human meat in some form or fashion...than we realize.” — Langston (16:22)
• Reference to Soylent Green and its “made of people” twist.

Is Cannibalism a Plausible Food Conspiracy?

• David doubts there’s enough unaccounted-for bodies to make it feasible:

  “I don't think there's enough unaccounted for human beings to make enough meat that it's...cheaper than just feeding chicken corn until their titties pop.” — David (22:01)

Logistics, Law, and Elite Rituals (22:34–29:09)

• They question the logistics:
  • "The toughest thing about eating people is sourcing the meat." — David (22:38)
  • Jokes about “importing dead bodies,” the business of “eating people,” and who would profit.
• Langston shares that, except for Idaho, cannibalism isn’t explicitly illegal in the U.S. (26:51):
  • “Idaho is the one. So everywhere else, you technically can't eat people.” — David (27:26)
• Questioning why “don’t eat people” isn’t written in law like other taboos.

Secret Societies and Elite Perverts

• Agreement that if cannibalism exists, it’s probably at elite, party-level or sequestered, rather than in mass food systems:
  • “I think it's a much more real possibility that the elite are eating slaves. That seems more realistic to me.” — David (26:09)
• Discussion of the “secret room at the party” theory for the ultra-rich:
  • “If you seem amenable to it, we let you. But if not, you can still get rich and be at the party.” — David (30:10)

Why Cannibalism Doesn’t Become Normalized

• The rarity and social horror—eating people is “the lowest thing you can do.”
• References to famous cannibals (like Dahmer) and why murder or rape, while still evil, exist in society in a way cannibalism does not (31:45–32:15).

Detours: Love Island, Sashimi, and Physical Restraint (33:06–53:45)

• A sprawling, hilarious tangent riffing on:
  • How “Love Island” contestants avoid visible erections (“How do boys keep from getting hard all the time?”).
  • “That is your ability— to not get hard and get hard when the time is right. I respect it.” — Langston (48:12)
• Extended bit on eating human body parts (“Where does pussy rank in the hierarchy of human meat?”)
  • “Pussy ain’t never taste nasty to me. And that's raw. Cook that thing up.” — Langston (41:08)
  • Questioning if certain cuts (like genitals) would ever be marketable, comparing to Rocky Mountain oysters.
• Sushi and steak preferences: frequent asides on real culinary favorites, with the expected comedic twists.

Emails: The Tropical Fantasy Conspiracy (54:07–67:25)

• Listener J.R. Murphy writes about the Tropical Fantasy Soda Spermicide Urban Legend:
  • In early 2000s Brooklyn, a rumor circulated among Black kids that Tropical Fantasy soda was laced with spermicide by the CIA to lower Black birth rates.
  • If you drank one, kids would yell “nutty” and tap you in the genitals as punishment.
• Turned out (per the CEO) the rumor may have been started by “Big Soda” (Coke, Pepsi) to kill Tropical Fantasy’s sales in the hood.
  • “Big Soda’s favorite customer base...thus they spread this rumor to try to kill his business.” — Langston (63:39)
• Discussion on the disappearance of cheap, off-brand sodas:
  • “Soda alternatives that are cheap... There were so many different types... It's all stamped out now.” — David (64:33)

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “We finally work to prove not a goddamn thing.” — Langston (10:46)
• "More of us have eaten human meat in some form or fashion in our lives than we realize." — Langston (16:22)
• "The toughest thing about eating people is sourcing the meat." — David (22:38)
• "If you get a nickname at 40, it's for something you don't want it for." — David (02:58)
• "That is your ability—to not get hard and get hard when the time is right. I respect it." — Langston (48:12)
• "Idaho is the one. So everywhere else, you technically can't eat people." — David (27:26)
• "Big Soda’s favorite customer base...thus they spread this rumor to try to kill his business." — Langston reading listener email (63:39)
• On hypothetical cannibal meat rankings:
  • "Pussy ain’t never taste nasty to me. And that's raw. Cook that thing up." — Langston (41:08)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:46–10:34: Studio banter – nicknames, new beginnings, network move, homie vibes
• 10:34–14:37: Show disclaimer: “Not here to teach you anything”
• 16:05–32:49: Cannibalism conspiracy main discussion; comedic logistics of eating people; "It's not profitable to eat people"
• 38:22–41:44: How cannibalism should be done, if at all; humorous hypothetical culinary techniques
• 48:06–49:01: “Love Island” erection speculation
• 54:07–67:25: Listener conspiracy email—Tropical Fantasy soda and urban myths about spermicide

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Tone and Style

• The hosts keep things absurd, joyful, slightly reckless, and always self-aware, warning listeners not to take anything as fact.
• Frequent profanity and Black vernacular, contributing to the authentic, unfiltered comedic style.
• Deep-belly laughter at their own hypotheticals, running bits, and carnivalesque scenarios.

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For New Listeners

This episode is perfect for fans of Black urban folklore, food conspiracies, and irreverent comedic chemistry. You won’t leave any smarter, but you’ll definitely feel like you’ve been in on a very funny secret.

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End Note

Contact the show: mymamapodmail.com / 844-4-LIL-MOMS
Closing remnant: “Get on off of that thing!” (68:18)
Sign-off: “Bye, bitch." (68:19)

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Episode in a Nutshell:
Unfiltered, uproarious speculation on cannibalism, Black conspiracy lore, and genital-themed soda rumors—all with the high spirits of a duo who know they’re here for jokes, not journalism.

Transcript

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for, from a browse to a bike ride this summer. Find more on Facebook. Wave. I do want to get to the point where I like something so much that they. It can sort of, like, find itself becoming a new nickname. Mm.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Like, man, that's PB and Jay Langston. I wasn't hoping it was that old, unquestionable.

[A]

I wasn't hoping it was some fat. I was hoping it was, like, a cool jacket. You know what I mean?

[B]

Like a. Oh, that's. That's. That's. That's.

[A]

I. I wanna. I wanna show up, and I want to be called Shades, you know that's not gonna happen. I know I don't have it in my character.

[B]

That sucks, because you. You do have really cool sunglasses, and you still have not acquired the name Shades, bro.

[A]

I could.

[B]

You probably have top five sunglasses out of people. I know. Like, they are. You picked. I could tell you spent a lot of time on the choice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Super cool. Cool label and everything. And we're still not calling you Shades.

[A]

Nah, you don't call me Shades.

[B]

I never even thought to call you Shades.

[A]

And, dawg, I want to be called Shades so bad. I want. I want. This is really what I want. I want some of them big joints that are, like. That are, like, almost bronze.

[B]

Oh, whoa. You want to look like ceelo Green, bro.

[A]

I. I'd be on some weird shit if I. You. If I had it in my character.

[B]

I. I really hope.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Here's what I hope for us making money with this podcast.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I get a pool. You are.

[A]

Mine. Is character changing?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You're like, nah, man. I'm still just locked in. I like my most minor goal.

[B]

I like. It's not a minor. It's a major goal. It's a major goal. What percentage of people watching this right now have a pool in their backyard?

[A]

I don't think a lot of people have pools. I'm not saying that. It's. It's an. I'm just saying that we know people with pools, right? It's not. It's not.

[B]

You know people with nicknames. What are we talking about?

[A]

Yeah, but. But not that they. They acquired late in life, man.

[B]

Because it's not your dream is sort of impossible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But that's why I was saying, what I want is not for a late nickname for you. That. Okay, that is past.

[A]

You gave up on that already.

[B]

I think that if you get a nickname at 40, it's for something you don't want it for.

[A]

Whoa. Right?

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I think a lot.

[A]

They're calling you divorced.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause you took it the worst.

[B]

Yeah. They call you Mr. Live it the.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who.

[A]

That's brother MCA.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Mr. Six Braids Acquadigio. Like, you don't wanna be that guy. That's. None of that is good.

[A]

That's fair.

[B]

What I want, that I think we could both realistically attain in this lifetime.

[A]

I'm excited to hear it.

[B]

Pool for me. Fashion freedom for you.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

I want you to be able to wear the clothes that you want in my. Because, you guys, this is buttoned up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think you do a good job, but I don't think you're nearly as crazy.

[A]

No.

[B]

When you were hanging out with my brother and you said, I see him, and he. I like the moves he's making.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I said, this man's a crazy person. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I like what your brother had going on.

[B]

Yeah. He's going nuts. And then I realized that's you're not even close to as weird as you want to be.

[A]

Nah, man. Your brother got dangly earrings.

[B]

Everything's dangling. He got.

[A]

Yeah. All his clothes look a little wet. Yeah, he just got it. He's doing fly shit over there.

[B]

Really crazy colors that don't exist. He's got colors from different times. My man is dressed like a gypsy tramp and a thief.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Like that Cher song. But he's like. He's smooth with it. It works.

[A]

It works. It works. And, you know, he's in good shape.

[B]

He's. That's a lot of it. I think my brother is swole as fuck.

[A]

And I think that's. Ultimately. All I really want, is to be swole, is to get in sh. Enough. Where I go. I'll put on dog shit.

[B]

Because if you get in crazy good shape, you can wear anything.

[A]

You can wear whatever.

[B]

And, like, why. My little brother got, like. My little brother got the shit like the wings.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like the shit that ripples on the underneath. Yeah. So he could go. He can't go crazy.

[A]

He can go crazy. And I. I'm.

[B]

I'm I'm the least buff brother. I.

[A]

That's not true. You're probably the strongest brother.

[B]

Oh, strong. I'm talking about physically strong. Oh, yeah.

[A]

But cut.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Your brothers and you do not have the same frame. Not at.

[B]

Oh, they're. They got. Yeah, no, I'm the by far.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm also way older. That's not the point.

[A]

I. I'm not built like my siblings either.

[B]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

None of us physically, completely different. Completely different.

[B]

Isn't that strange?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

It's really nuts. Anyway, y' all niggas thought we was broke.

[B]

You thought we were finished.

[A]

You kept whispering online. Oh, what happened to them? Oh, they used to be cool, but now they dead.

[B]

Is that a dog barking?

[A]

I like the homie vibes. Yeah, this actually fits. Y' all better. Shut up.

[B]

Shut up. Intimate fellas. Are yalls feet touching? Well, guess what, you stupid bitch.

[A]

You stupid fucking bitch. Look at us now, we shining. Look at us now, we shining.

[B]

Look at us now.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Look at us now. Oh, I'm sorry, Hollywood, I'll call you back.

[A]

Oh, he gonna call him back. He didn't even say when. No idea. Hollywood's still gonna be. They'll be sitting by the phone.

[B]

He'll wait. Yeah, my Hollywood's a he. Deal with it.

[A]

Hey, Jeffrey. Hollywood.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[A]

And yes, that Jeffrey. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

My Hollywood's name is Esteban.

[A]

Oh, yeah, okay, that don't make sense at all, but I like it.

[B]

Esteban, to me, feels like an evil name. And maybe it's because of that movie, Fresh.

[A]

He really locked in for you. Yeah, as a bad guy name, Fresh

[B]

really locked in for me.

[A]

I don't. I don't. I've never seen Fresh.

[B]

Watch Fresh come back. Let's not even talk about it right now.

[A]

We shouldn't even.

[B]

It's not even worth it. All right, that's the dope moves.

[A]

We're.

[B]

But we got a fudgeing studio.

[A]

Yeah, we got. We are. We. We found a new home. We got a new home. We've got new. New overlords. Let's go shout out to wave.

[B]

Yeah, we are.

[A]

We are under that. That beautiful Sweet Wave banner now.

[B]

It's us, Carmelo Anthony. The Kelce brothers, titans of industry, and

[A]

more importantly, Kayla Herron. Who.

[B]

We do thank you. We do actually thank you.

[A]

Who is a goddamn hero in this house?

[B]

My family thanks you. My animals, thank you. You really did us a solid.

[A]

We said, Caleb, I know that Motherfucker is Batman.

[B]

Y. And I'm happy to be your Robin. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I'll be Batgirl.

[B]

I'll be even more tangential than Robin. Did Batman have other allies?

[A]

He had a fuck ton.

[B]

Really?

[A]

There are actually, like, I think, like, four or five Robins. There's.

[B]

So are they all gymnasts?

[A]

Yeah, but in different sad ways.

[B]

That's a weird group of people to keep around, brother.

[A]

He was hitting them circuses hard.

[B]

That's not a good place to recruit. If you got a recruit at the circus.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're up to no good.

[A]

I was in the back.

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

Scouting.

[B]

You know what's crazy if you think about it, though? If I was to pursue vigilante justice, I would recruit at the circus. For my part.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

I'm like, where can I find a group of people agile enough to pull this off yet morally loose enough,

[A]

brother. There's nobody checking for him.

[B]

Nobody's standing up for the carnies. Nobody gives a fuck.

[A]

Nobody's gonna, like, notice if one them gets plucked off.

[B]

No. They'll just steal another one from the train yard or whatever.

[A]

And that's not right.

[B]

No, no. I.

[A]

We are not celebrating it here on My Mama Told Me.

[B]

We're pro carney.

[A]

We're pro carney. And if that's not your preferred term,

[B]

we're finding out now we're pro carnival. American, I think, is how they'd like to be called.

[A]

God damn, that's funny, man. We got a new home. We've got.

[B]

We. Yeah. We're here. We're here.

[A]

And we didn't begin the episode.

[B]

No. We didn't even start.

[A]

We don't even have the music in place.

[B]

No. But we'll get that. Isaac, pipe in some music.

[A]

Microchips in your nails. All koala bears are racist. You know me better than that. There it is.

[B]

There it is.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another phenomenal episode of My Mama Told Me, the

[B]

podcast, where we dive deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories and we

[A]

finally work to prove not a goddamn thing.

[B]

We want you to learn nothing from us.

[A]

I pray to God I saw this. Somebody posted on our Patreon. If you're a fan of the Patreon, somebody commented that. That they were just about to Google something we had said, and then immediately was like. I remembered that y' all told me you're not here to teach me anything, and I took my hands off the keys.

[B]

I'm going to be honest. That is the energy we are looking for. I think entertainers should. Should all Listen to us and do that.

[A]

Yeah, I 100% agree.

[B]

Because we're. We're not even. If we were smart, we would have done a real job.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

Don't even when you come over here know it's bullshit.

[A]

Imagine the freedom Julia Roberts could have if she could just openly be like, hey, by the way, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

[B]

Julia Roberts was your pick.

[A]

I don't know. She's the most famous lady. Do you know what I mean? And like some weird, like, timeless ass person.

[B]

I don't think she's timeless.

[A]

You don't think so?

[B]

I don't think none of these kids know who Julia Roberts is.

[A]

I think Julia Roberts still wanted them one.

[B]

I don't think so, man. No, not in a bad way. I just think she was there.

[A]

I think so. We're past Julia Roberts. I think we're post Julia. Fuck.

[B]

Yeah, it's okay.

[A]

No, it's devastating. I was sort of counting on her to continue to be Julia. Julia, let's get on the horn, sweetheart. I'll write something.

[B]

How long can you be America's sweetheart for?

[A]

I would assume until.

[B]

Here's what I'll say, you get eight movies.

[A]

Here's what I'll say, and maybe you boys will disagree, but here's what I genuinely believe is that she is always one hit away from being right back where she was.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

I think if she put out one of them where they go like, that is the most Oscar correct ass film that we've seen from you in years.

[B]

And then we're like, julia's back.

[A]

Julia's back.

[B]

She have Oscar correct films when she was up.

[A]

But isn't Pretty Woman. Ain't that like a Oscar?

[B]

No, I think we just like it. Oh, America loves a hooker with a heart of gold.

[A]

Erin Brockovich was the Oscar. Brockovich was her Oscar. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

When she

[A]

had them titties. Yes, of course. I guess I have to say it. I guess I have to say what you were thinking. Yes, her breasts were phenomenal in the film.

[B]

We're not only in a new studio, we're also trying out new roles on this podcast. He's the titty guy. I do the research.

[A]

I don't have a computer. I do it with my mind.

[B]

Well, that's. It's more complicated than that. There's a lot of nuance to running

[A]

a soundboard, which I do not have, but I'm sure I'll have it any day now.

[B]

We gotta get the soundboard. I'm naked out here. I'm naked out here.

[A]

I have nothing.

[B]

I just have to be over here cooking it all up by myself. I would love TD Jakes in here with me holding this water bottle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyways, we're gonna.

[A]

We are gonna get a lot of things back in order.

[B]

Yeah. We're gonna get our house clean.

[A]

We're gonna. We're gonna clean up our house. I swear to God, our. Our voice of God. We'll be back. Listen, we are going to reincorporate all the elements that you have come to love and just give us a week.

[B]

Yep. Dad's got a new apartment, but he's working on fixing it up.

[A]

Just let us fix some shit up.

[B]

You got a futon now. Isn't that exciting?

[A]

Ain't that. Look, we decorated.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Hey, hey. Did your mother decorate?

[B]

And guess what we're having for dinner. Popeyes. Again?

[A]

You love Popeyes.

[B]

You love it.

[A]

You taught me that.

[B]

I need this.

[A]

Fine. You can eat all biscuits.

[B]

All biscuits is a child's meal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oops. All biscuits. Oops.

[A]

All biscuits. Just some diabetic child.

[B]

I don't even think the biscuits are vegan.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

There must be animal in that.

[A]

Their biscuits are mostly the bones that they're hoping to discard.

[B]

That's how it feels.

[A]

That they're turning into some sort of bread mash.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then reserving to you hot.

[B]

And in that way, Popeyes may be the greatest chain we have.

[A]

They're using every part of the chicken.

[B]

And you think they're chickens.

[A]

Okay. Every part of the alien that they shot out and turned into chicken.

[B]

I think they're actually, like, GMO pigeons.

[A]

Well, this actually. This is a beautiful transition into what I was actually talking about.

[B]

You said you wanted to talk about.

[A]

I've had this on my mind for a while, and I'm curious to know how you feel about this. My mama told me that we are already cannibals. Mm.

[B]

Soylent Green is made of people that like.

[A]

More. More of us have eaten human meat in some form or fashion in our lives than we realize.

[B]

Okay. This is interesting because I think that this is not just for black people in general.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think cannibalism is, like, a main conspiracy point.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think it often goes to, like, they're cannibals. They eat people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like. Okay, nobody's gonna like this. Uh. Oh. What is.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Not so wrong with eating people. Yeah. But, like, we're backed into a Corner. And it has to happen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is there a situation where you could eat, you could go on and live? Like, I'm not going to go crazy, right. I could go on and live a normal life.

[A]

Yeah. I think I could eventually make peace with it.

[B]

So it's a moral. Moral issue.

[A]

Well, I guess the question is your. Your detachment from the meals that you eat in the first place, that is where I'm able to make the piece. Is that, like. I don't verify any of the meats. I'm not hunting on my own.

[B]

But would you be willing to.

[A]

I don't. I don't like.

[B]

Would you want to eat a chicken you killed?

[A]

I think there would be something responsible and satisfying in that. I don't see myself wanting to turn to that as my sole way of consuming. And so in that way, I don't. I don't got it in me, dog. You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, to kill animal.

[A]

I don't feel like I've been forced to do it yet. And I'm not, like, rushing to go do that. You know what I mean? But you have.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You've killed a lot of chickens, you said?

[B]

Yeah, a bunch of chickens. So many chickens.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then, like, fish, but that doesn't feel. They're barely alive.

[A]

Yeah, I've never. I've never taken that.

[B]

Oh, you never gone fishing either? No, but I've never killed. I always thought I could do it. Like. Like, if I killed like a. Like if you taught me how to dress a deer, I think I could do it. I think I could muscle up and do it.

[A]

I always think about that movie, the Good Son.

[B]

Oh, did he kill a cat?

[A]

Yeah, he, like, shoots it with his BB gun or whatever.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's fucked up.

[A]

And that's when they were like, that's a bad kid.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like, for a while, it's like, is he a bad kid or is he just like a little, like, fucking with him kind of thing?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then it was like, nah, he's. We gotta kill him. He's the devil.

[B]

I mean, that is the worst kind of kid. I knew a lot of kids who exhibited, I would say, antisocial behavior growing up. I never really fucked with no kids who fucked with animals.

[A]

Yeah, no, there were some really weird kids.

[B]

That's like the worst kind of kid.

[A]

Yeah, there was the.

[B]

If your kid's fucking with an animal, you know, hey, put them down.

[A]

This is. Fuck. There was a kid in my neighborhood who, it was rumored that he had had sex with his dog and that was the, the kid that made me the, the most uncomfortable.

[B]

Yeah, I remember one.

[A]

It's okay if you don't.

[B]

Yeah, I don't wanna.

[A]

It's perfectly fine. We do not have to keep going down this train.

[B]

But that kind of thing is fucked up.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the most human podcast that ever was.

[B]

We're really. And we'll eat them.

[A]

We will. In that way, we are human beings that will happily eat other human beings, just so long as we aren't like, doing it ourselves, I imagine.

[B]

So here's the thing. My problem. Cause we gotta back up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think we came in way hot.

[A]

Very hot.

[B]

We're in a new apartment and we're excited.

[A]

Yeah. We got a lot of room. We were doing cartwheels.

[B]

It's like the first time you're naked in your new spot and you're like, okay, maybe I gotta chill a little.

[A]

Maybe I gotta sit down and just watch some tv.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I can unbox that later.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I don't need to be making two steaks at once. Yay.

[A]

The apartment will come together.

[B]

Just relax. I'm forcing it right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like.

[A]

It's like we're amped.

[B]

Yeah. Cause you know, you remember that scene in Step Stepbrothers where they're like, oh, there's so we could do so many activities.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

That's how I used to feel. Like in new apartments, but with like, pussy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I can fuck so many people in here. And then you don't.

[A]

Yeah, I, I, I definitely do remember that new apartment. Hard.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[A]

That's like a level, A level of heart that you get with your life. Yeah. I'm home.

[B]

I'm gonna be doing new shit and I'm.

[A]

And I. There's nobody else here. Or, or my roommate. She don't be here that much.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

This. I could, I could mover this. Like, nobody else is even here.

[B]

This finally the apartment where I start to put my leg up.

[A]

Hu. Yeah. Absolutely.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

No, it really, It's a different energy.

[B]

Yeah. But that's good. I'm excited about it. To get to the cannibals thing. Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My issue always has been with this idea. I don't think there's enough unaccounted for human beings.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

To make enough meat that it's like. Because I always assume within this idea, it's like this idea that humans is cheaper than whatever meat they're giving us. I Don't think there's enough. I think there's a lot of unaccounted for humans. I don't think there's enough for one company to consolidate them all and make a product that's cheaper than just feeding chicken corn until their titties pop. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

[A]

I do wonder about where the bodies would be coming from.

[B]

That's. I think it's sort. The toughest thing about eating people is sourcing the meat.

[A]

But. And I'm not gonna get into bickering with you about the business of eating people. You obviously know a lot about the work.

[B]

I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.

[A]

You know, the imports and the exports.

[B]

I don't know. I've never. Imported or export.

[A]

You've broken down the figures, David, and it's all profit for you.

[B]

The point is, it's not profit, and that's why I don't do it. It's not profitable to eat people.

[A]

I do think.

[B]

Isaac, isolate this. It's not profitable to eat people.

[A]

It just appears like Ghost Rider over the screen.

[B]

Yeah, let's open with that.

[A]

Yeah. Thanks, Ghost Rider.

[B]

Slave.

[A]

Light up slave.

[B]

Light up slave. Man, if they'd have called that show that, it would have been Light Up

[A]

Slave Would have been a great show. It wouldn't. It wouldn't have lasted long.

[B]

Light up slave.

[A]

I'll give you that.

[B]

Thanks. Light up Slave.

[A]

They would have gotten canceled early.

[B]

Sure. How are we going to solve this mystery? Light up slave.

[A]

Stop calling me that, Kinte. I can't read your gibberish. You just light up slave. Ooga booga.

[B]

I get it.

[A]

You light up slave.

[B]

Slave.

[A]

Just do my work. Light up slave.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

I do. I do wonder. I agree with you. I think. I think absolutely. We go. Certainly in the United States. We go. There is not enough unaccounted for bodies. I don't think that's true across the

[B]

world, but now you got to import a bunch of dead bodies.

[A]

And I do think that the United States is probably slower in the. In the. We. Of.

[B]

Of.

[A]

We've all already eaten human meat. Do you know what I mean?

[B]

We're like, that's a dangerous road you're going down.

[A]

Well, no, I just think that, like years ago.

[B]

Where do you think they've eaten the most human meat?

[A]

Lakeston somewhere. That.

[B]

That's.

[A]

It's not my place to say. That's not my place to decide. Someone who's more Expert in geopolitics should be deciding that for me. I'm using my imagination,

[B]

assisted by Light Up Slave.

[A]

Them niggas look like lemmings to me. It's not for me to decide who they are.

[B]

That's fair.

[A]

The point being that I think it's one of those things that once it becomes okay in a single place, it spreads and that that instinct will spread because once you see the financial viability of something, it gets replicated. Because that is capitalism. That is sort of how it all works.

[B]

I am of two minds, though, the more I think about it, because I think there's also the possibility, I think it's a much more real possibility that the elite are eating slaves. Then there's some kind of cabal that's feeding slaves or human meat to us. Yeah. That there's some kind of a crazy thing like that. I think it's more possible that there's some real sickos at the top doing it. That. That seems more realistic to me. Yeah. Because it's just. You need. Because, like, you know, if it's just for me and my friends, guys shoot a deer, that's like a year's worth of meat. Yeah. They'd be giving out deer sausages to their friends and shit like that. You slaughter a hog, you got. You know what I mean? So I think that makes more sense to me.

[A]

I. I don't disagree with that. I. I looked it up before we started and cannibalism, which I thought was like fully, like, illegal. It's only like, I think technically illegal, like declared illegal in one state, which is Idaho. Isaac, if you want to check me

[B]

on that, you're going to need to check them.

[A]

Yeah, I think we need to know

[B]

if we're right on.

[A]

It's fair. If I'm fucking up, I'm sucking up.

[B]

But.

[A]

And no, I've never said that before, but.

[B]

No, it doesn't. I don't really even.

[A]

You are correct. I'm correct. Yeah.

[B]

Idaho is the one. So everywhere else, you technically can't eat people.

[A]

You could eat a people. And that's. That feels like law number one.

[B]

Yeah, don't eat me.

[A]

Like, hey, hey, bro, don't eat me.

[B]

Listen, we are a country.

[A]

Come on, man.

[B]

States are united. We do not eat people.

[A]

We don't eat each other.

[B]

We don't eat each other.

[A]

You can shoot them in the head.

[B]

You can shoot him in the butt.

[A]

You. You could probably sexually assault his wife and will let you off for it.

[B]

Yeah. But you cannot eat that person.

[A]

You cannot Eat.

[B]

That worries me then. Mm. That worries. That makes me think. It leads even more to the idea that it's like an elite thing, because I don't think people are out here. I don't think regular people are out here eating people. It's like the perverse.

[A]

I also don't.

[B]

The Makong. Yeah.

[A]

I also don't think it's a law that anybody, like, checks for like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know what I mean? Like, I think it is such an understood. That's the worst thing you can do. As.

[B]

They wrote everything else down. Why didn't they write that down?

[A]

It's weird that they would skip that one.

[B]

You know what I mean? Because there's a lot of other things that we are all like.

[A]

No, they make weird laws.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where you're like that. Okay.

[B]

They wrote don't defecate in public. They wrote that down. We all know it's a bad idea to do. Do in public. Yeah. But they still had to write it down. And. And that's a lot more. You know what I mean? That's like, in the same vein as not eating somebody. This is. This. I don't like this.

[A]

This is dark.

[B]

I feel like we're gonna hit weird parts of Reddit. People talk about the dark web. I don't fully know what it means, but I think we've crossed over.

[A]

Oh, no. Well, here's what I'll say. We should take a break. If that's. If we.

[B]

That's the nuttiest thing.

[A]

If we are.

[B]

Absolve us. Absolve us of this.

[A]

No, no, no. We need to feel this fear.

[B]

This studio is going to kill us. This new studio is going to kill us.

[A]

Here's what I. Okay, okay. I'll say. I won't send this to break. I can sense that you're not as confident in this choice as I am.

[B]

No, the choice to eat people.

[A]

It's not that I'm saying we should eat people. It's not that I'm saying that we. I think I agree with you that we probably are not all of us, consuming people. I think my question for you is, do you think that everybody at this elite level that is doing some perverse shit is consenting to eating people? Or do you think it's just we serve people at our parties and if, you know. You know, kind of vibe.

[B]

I think it's that that's how power has always kind of worked as far as the way that I've seen it. I think it's like there's a Secret room. If you seem amenable to it, we let you. But if not, you could still get rich and be at the party. You know what I mean?

[A]

Oh, so I might not eat people at the party, but if I want to go through the secret door, I could go eat some people.

[B]

I think that's probably how it goes. Or maybe it's like so high up that it's like, no, we. We came to this island to eat people. That's what we're doing here.

[A]

Yeah. I have to assume you gotta go somewhere to eat people.

[B]

I don't think you're just doing it at your house.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

Even in the secret rooms, I don't think you're just like, yeah, it's not like smoking a brisket.

[A]

Yeah, I bet. I bet if you go over somebody's house and they go, we're eating people. You get up and you leave.

[B]

Yeah. Well, also, you're like, hey, my wife's here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My children sleep here. I'm not eating people in this house.

[A]

I'm not eating people with my kids.

[B]

We do this in the woods.

[A]

You know the rules.

[B]

We do this one on our camping trips. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, it's. No, we're not. I think there is a level of probably decency that maybe the human race has shown to be our one, maybe

[B]

truest agreement is that at our highest levels, we still have a sense of

[A]

decorum that we just go. Eating people is still the lowest thing you could do.

[B]

Do. Is it?

[A]

I. I think. I think when we. When we standardize it, we know people who murder. We know people who rape. We know people who do a lot of vile things. I don't know nobody that eats people.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, even the few times. It's like such a shocking thing. Right? Didn't Dahmer eat people?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And that's like, the only one. I can think off the top of my head.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't think of a bunch of guys who killed a guy.

[A]

Right. But. But yeah, Cannibal is pretty rare.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's a. That's a hard to find Pokemon.

[B]

But I mean, I think that's also. I think that's also a testament to the efficiency of capitalism, is that we are all so well fed. We're all so well fed here.

[A]

And it's evenly spread. That's what I like. That's what I like about America is that we spread everything out evenly. The cost of living is fair. Everywhere you look, it's fair. That's what I Like about this country. That's the flag that I salute.

[B]

And with that, we're going to break, Man. It's cool. It looks like we brought these tapes.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Romeo Must Die. What a piece of shit that movie was, huh?

[A]

Yeah, it wasn't good. Represented so much for me as a child that, like, I think I still wanted it to be good as a kid.

[B]

I wanted it to be. I thought it was gonna be the best movie I ever saw.

[A]

I couldn't believe what I was watching. In a lot of ways, I think

[B]

that they really made us think that the Rush Hour formula. Formula was gonna translate. Yeah.

[A]

And I think part of what made Rush Hour so cool and frankly, the reason Jackie Chan is my favorite of all them guys is he's real good at getting kicked in the face.

[B]

He gets beat up a little bit.

[A]

He really lets them ho. He gets hoed out a few times, and then he starts figuring it out.

[B]

He's like a clown.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just showed my little brother Rumble in the Bronx, and he was laughing.

[A]

He's. He's. Jackie Chan is hilarious.

[B]

Yeah. That's what I mean. It's a funny movie.

[A]

He's got so much comedic timing with how he takes blows and shit. And that's what makes it charming to me more than sort of, like, the technical, like, discipline of it all.

[B]

Yeah. Here's the thing. I. Cause Jackie Chan is a circus guy. Could have been a Robin. Yeah.

[A]

You don't want to see Jackie Chan as the next Robin.

[B]

Yo. Jackie Chan would be the greatest Robin of all time.

[A]

He would. He.

[B]

Are you kidding me? Think about this. Close your eyes. Wait, hold on, though. Seriously, I just. Please do this for me.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Close your eyes. In a room. Yes. George Clooney. No, no, no, no, no. George Clooney. Take it back. Take it back.

[A]

That's the Batman you picked?

[B]

I had to think about it. What the fuck? That's not that crazy.

[A]

That's the craziest choice.

[B]

It's not the craziest choice.

[A]

It's literally.

[B]

Michael Keaton would be a crazier choice.

[A]

Michael Keaton is the. Is, some people say, the best Batman.

[B]

I don't know Batman lore. I'm not a nerd. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Close your eyes.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Christian Bale.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jackie Chan.

[A]

Okay, good.

[B]

Look at you smiling.

[A]

Yeah, I like that.

[B]

Tony, we don't have to do anything else.

[A]

No, I was gonna agree with you, dog.

[B]

Oh, okay, okay, okay. I thought I had to sell it. I thought I had to sell it.

[A]

I was fully in agreement with You. I immediately thought, Jackie Chan, that's finally the Robin that makes it to a good, ripe old age.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I want Robin to be a man.

[A]

Yeah, you want. And. And there are Robins that do become men.

[B]

Really? Yep.

[A]

There's. There's.

[B]

Oh, what's the name? Nightwing.

[A]

Nightwing is a former Robin that then becomes Nightwing because he. He's like, bro, I fuck with you, but I need a break.

[B]

Right. I get that.

[A]

And so he sort of. He does his own thing.

[B]

Because Batman's probably a tough hang.

[A]

I think the toughest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think literally, there's. There's probably not a more miserable person on this earth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Than that dude who. Who. Who, frankly, went through a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But had a lot to fall back on.

[B]

More than most.

[A]

He really had a lot of resources.

[B]

A lot of orphans don't have a butler. It.

[A]

It did not have to go that far.

[B]

No. He didn't have to kill anybody at all.

[A]

He doesn't kill.

[B]

He doesn't kill.

[A]

Batman doesn't kill. Oh. Batman and Superman have the same rule. That is why they are best friends. And it's not a lot, but they essentially respect each other because they both recognize this ability to be absolute monsters, and neither one of them will make the choice. And they hold each other accountable, essentially, because Batman's, like, literally the greatest detective, smartest dude on the planet, sort of. And then Superman is the strongest being in the universe. And so Batman's like, I need a motherfucker that could take me out, and you need a motherfucker that could take you out. And we both are plotting on each other, with respect.

[B]

Oh, did I ever kiss?

[A]

I. I ain't got to. Them pages. I've never seen anything about that. I. I mostly watch the Animated Series.

[B]

Okay. So I watched a little bit of the Batman Animated Series.

[A]

Yeah, the Batman Animated Series is.

[B]

Is.

[A]

God damn.

[B]

I remember the one with Mr. Freeze making me feel sad. Sad.

[A]

It's a sad story.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's a tragedy.

[B]

It's German.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Okay. Maybe I'm just thinking about Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[A]

Motherfucker. Blue you ain't.

[B]

Sounds German to me. Daba dabba die.

[A]

I'm of the mind. Once you turn blue, you're not a race anymore. You're not an ethnicity.

[B]

You are.

[A]

You're blue.

[B]

You're a shade. Yeah.

[A]

You're a shade.

[B]

Except for those blue people in Kentucky.

[A]

Yeah. Those are white people.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. That's still white people. Nobody's confused over there.

[A]

Y' all got that. That ain't got nothing to do with us. Don't come talking about, hey, their hair. Pretty kinky.

[B]

No.

[A]

You didn't wash them.

[B]

They're actually really fast. The blues are really fast.

[A]

You gotta wash them.

[B]

Then they.

[A]

You'll see. They're white people. Oh, man, that's white people under need. We need to come back in.

[B]

We're back talking about people and nothing else.

[A]

People eating.

[B]

People eating people. Whether you would do it, how you would do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why you would do it.

[A]

If and when people eating becomes a part of our culture. Do you have a preferred way that people eating. That you would pursue people eating? Are you. Are you trying to ravage a motherfucker or are you trying to just keep it in packages at the grocery store?

[B]

Mmm. Probably apple in the mouth. Buried underground like the Hawaiians do pigs.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm like a backyard person. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[A]

We're going to dig Samuel up and have a little bit of a roast.

[B]

It's a graduation, so. Lu.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I'm drinking out of a coconut. We're having a good time.

[A]

Listen, my baby's only going to graduate from computer school once. Yeah. They call it computer school now.

[B]

Yeah. Congrats. Junior from DeVry.

[A]

Two year degree associates associate. Pretty good. We gotta dig up Sam.

[B]

My son's associated with computers now, man. I don't. I think that. I think that if we were to eat humans.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think it should be like, we should treat it like wild game. The way that people eat wild game, where it's like. I don't think, like, the way that you can't go to the store and just get a prepackaged deer steak. I don't think you should be able to do that for humans either. Right.

[A]

It should. It should require some level of, like, person to person. Look a man in the eyes.

[B]

It should be personal.

[A]

Yeah. That's fair.

[B]

Yeah, I think so.

[A]

We gotta honor each other in some kind of.

[B]

So I. If we just start. Because if we just start doing ground beef. Humans.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's. There. You're right. There's no end to that.

[A]

And it also can't be so loose that, like, I could be walking the street and a person bite me in the neck and. And then everybody's like, well, you know,

[B]

shit, I. I was hungry anyways. Now it's. Now it's a potluck.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fairfax. That's crazy.

[A]

It can't be nuts.

[B]

That's. That's lawless.

[A]

We can't. We can't be vulnerable. I think the weakest link. Shit. So we gotta.

[B]

I think even in talking about this, I'm really understanding why we don't do it.

[A]

No, it's. It's.

[B]

It's like vile.

[A]

There's no way back as a society if you make that shit like. Okay.

[B]

And what if it's good? I bet.

[A]

Look, I've seen enough. I've seen enough bad bitches I'd like to nibble on. You know what I mean? Pussy ain't never taste nasty to me. And that's raw. Cook that thing up.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

This is crazy cornbread sides.

[B]

We're gonna get demonetized for sure. And this is fucked. But this is what I'm thinking about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In the hierarchy of the meat of the human, delicate or otherwise, where does pussy. You guys are laughing at me.

[A]

Why don't you answer that question?

[B]

Because I've never eaten a person. I've never. I've never missed my soundboard more than right now.

[A]

You would. You would have pressed something so funny.

[B]

I really need to cut through this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm just saying. Right? Like beef, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ribs are over here. Beef ribs are pretty good.

[A]

Beef ribs.

[B]

Like Chuck is down here.

[A]

Absolutely. You can taste the difference

[B]

person.

[A]

Okay. Tell me what you're imagining the meat to be presented like how. Because they're not scooping. You're just serving lips. You're serving.

[B]

I. I think depending on the one you took down. Yeah. I really feel like I'm not going to be able to run for office after this.

[A]

No, Senator, your run is over. Unfortunately.

[B]

It's same for Dick. Same for Dick. We could do it for Dick.

[A]

Yeah. I don't think anybody's gonna be.

[B]

Nobody's buying dick. Nobody's buying.

[A]

Nobody wants that. I think the presentation is bad. We don't even do that with animals. Yeah.

[B]

We don't really testicle as far as we go. Yeah. And even that's interesting.

[A]

Even then it's like fry it. Yeah. You gotta really make it not replicate what it is.

[B]

The whole thing about Rocky Mountain oysters is that people get tricked.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They have no idea that they're eating.

[B]

This is actual nuts now.

[A]

It sucks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Here's something I've been thinking about.

[B]

Yeah. Thank God.

[A]

That I. I think is a perfect pivot.

[B]

Yeah. Get me out of here.

[A]

This is really going to soften the blow of this entire conversation. These dumb dumbs are going to be none the wiser.

[B]

This is a crazy episode to be the first one on our new network.

[A]

We're not behaving well.

[B]

No, no. We've.

[A]

We're not treating this with any discipline.

[B]

We've really gone full lengths in. And David, in a way, that's a problem.

[A]

If this is your first time meeting us, we're sorry.

[B]

Remember how charming we were on that episode of so True?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We. We.

[A]

We. We are not. Will do better.

[B]

Yeah. This is crazy.

[A]

We. We likely are lying. But we will promise you will do better. But this is what I've been thinking about. Love Island.

[B]

Lot of tasty cuts of meat on there.

[A]

Lot of sandwiches I'd like to make.

[B]

Carve that island up.

[A]

You go ahead and set a fire around that thing. Let the villa burn.

[B]

We have a whole station of the buffet just for.

[A]

Love Island. How them boys? Why them boys? How do boys keep from getting hard all the time? Is that a crazy question?

[B]

No, that's actually the realest question.

[A]

They should be hard all the time. I. I'd be hard all the time.

[B]

Yeah. Cause they're also not having sex.

[A]

They'd be. They would have to ask me to leave this. This island immediately. They say this program can't go wrong.

[B]

Maybe it's like Angles.

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

I haven't watched this new season.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think they. I don't think they're. I think sometimes they put a pillow over their lap every once in a while. And then every once in a while, a girl will say that a person got, like, horny. And they'll implying that, like, oh, that it got like.

[B]

Maybe they get guys with Ed.

[A]

It's an impressive amount. It's not hard.

[B]

Especially if you're not having sex.

[A]

Bro. If you spit milk in my mouth

[B]

and they're all like, that's the one thing that wouldn't get me hard. That's the one thing on that show that wouldn't get me hard.

[A]

Butt, ass, naked.

[B]

I don't think I would like that.

[A]

I don't think I would like it at all. But there's a level of intimacy that I'm now experiencing with another human being who I'm sexually attracted to, who, like, I have a vibe with. And I spend hours upon hours sort of plotting on whether or not this might be a motherfucker. I could build a situation.

[B]

And now we're doing something crazy physically together.

[A]

I'm getting hard.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And them boys, they keep it. They gotta.

[B]

No, they must not have good dicks.

[A]

They gotta check them in the interview process.

[B]

Yeah, that's A good point.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. You would be hard the whole time, man. And they're just kissing all the time.

[A]

They be taking walks.

[B]

I'd be punching holes in walls.

[A]

One hole up here, one hole down here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, it doesn't make sense to me, but.

[B]

No, that's a very good point, though. I never thought about that.

[A]

Maybe there's stronger men than you and I.

[B]

That could be it.

[A]

Maybe. Maybe this is something.

[B]

Does it take a strong man to knock it hard, then call me Doug. Funny. I'm a weakest man I could think of.

[A]

Yeah. I'm Roger Rabbit, baby.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But congrats to those boys. I think. I think. I think they continue to impress me in ways that I never imagined.

[B]

With their restraint. Yeah.

[A]

That is your ability to not get hard and get hard when the time is right.

[B]

That's.

[A]

I respect it.

[B]

That is. Maybe they just tape it down. You know how drag queens tape it down? I bet it's the same tape.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

I bet they're instituting drag queen techniques.

[A]

I could see that.

[B]

That just. Because that's the only way. Right? Yeah.

[A]

Because I.

[B]

Although I've always wondered.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hear me out.

[A]

I'm listening.

[B]

People use the term tape it down.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I. I've always hoped that I would have the force to break the tape if needed. I never, like, in case of emergency, break glass, buddy.

[A]

I. I've always imagined I'd King Kong my way out of that cave.

[B]

That's. That's what I mean. Like, if you take me down and I needed to, like. I had to, like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My weight out of a tight situation.

[A]

Absolutely. Shackles flying.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I grab a little white woman. I run to the top of a building. They never show that part where King Kong does that dumbass monkey run.

[B]

Yeah. And then he's hard, too. Yeah.

[A]

He's jacking it with one and looking up at the lady with. Oh, yeah. Let us write the movie.

[B]

Maybe we put this on Patreon.

[A]

No. This is. This is an original, baby. This is one of them classics. You demanded we return.

[B]

You wanted us back. We could have been gone.

[A]

You kept begging. Please don't be like Desus and Marrow. We don't even know what that means.

[B]

No. Cool.

[A]

Those boys were successful. And I guess they didn't like each other. We like each other a lot.

[B]

We hang out all the time.

[A]

That's not the vibes over here. We just had a situation to figure out, and here we are. Anyway, if you know why the boys on Love island are able to not

[B]

get hard or if you know where you would put pussy in the hierarchy of human meat.

[A]

Great question. And specifically how it's served. Tell me how it's. Oh, my God. Like shrimp cocktail. With a little dipping sauce.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

And a lemon squeeze, perhaps.

[B]

How would you serve it? It. You want it with potatoes? That seems disrespectful. What vegetable do you pair with the greatest meat on the body?

[A]

Baby, you were good enough. You were precious. Yeah, no, I think. I think you're absolutely right. Maybe even.

[B]

I think it's got to be served solo.

[A]

Like sashimi on a little bit of rice.

[B]

Perhaps.

[A]

Perhaps that that could offset.

[B]

I think a lot of human. You could put on sushi,

[A]

and that is a bummer.

[B]

Or am I thinking of nigiri?

[A]

I think.

[B]

I think sashimi is the one where it's just a fish. Yeah. Which I do fuck with, bro. Sometimes I just get, like, the sashimi bull. I, I, I love it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

I fuck with sashimi. I. I never feel all the way satisfied.

[B]

No.

[A]

I'm never full sashimi meal. So I'm. I like to mix it up.

[B]

Yes. Sashimi and then a little roll.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't really fuck with rolls like that anymore.

[A]

Oh, you don't fuck with rolls?

[B]

I'm kind of post roll.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I like them. Okay. But if I'm just ordering for myself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sashimi, nigiri all the way. I get like. Like, if me. If we're getting. Cause we get sushi more than we should. I'll get, like, whatever the.

[A]

You are glowing.

[B]

What?

[A]

You're glowing.

[B]

That's the mercury. I'll get the sashimi bowl, and I'll get, like, a bowl of, like, 10, 12 pieces of sashimi and then a few nigiri. Because they usually sell in twos, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So it's like, I'll get, like, a salmon belly and some other stuff.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Yeah.

[B]

We don't.

[A]

I just. We just be doing that sugar fish.

[B]

Oh, the thing. But you're getting it to the house a lot. I guess we get it to the house a lot, too, but we like to go out. We like to go out for sushi.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Especially when they do it in front of you. It's always like, my name's Tyler. I'm your sushi chef today. You're like, all right, Tyler.

[A]

Cool, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You weren't who I was hoping for.

[B]

No, no, no. It's like when you go to Fogo de Chao, and they're like, my name's Rusty I'm your gaucho. We gotta get to Fogo de Chow.

[A]

You keep telling me about Fogo de Ch.

[B]

I know. There's one by the crib too. We'll go.

[A]

We had a long conversation at your bachelor party about it.

[B]

We'll go soon. We could go today. We could go after this.

[A]

Yeah, you and all your friends. You sat around, you told me gorgeous stories.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

You said you used to dream there. You used to love there. You took your life there to feel close to her.

[B]

Only time I ever had a shot of Louis 13th was at Fogo de Chow. Shots of Troy Walker. Me and him got all drunk and

[A]

Fogo de Chow, and you got shots of Louis?

[B]

Yeah, I got a picture of it. Whoa. Yeah, I'll put it on the Patreon. Hell, yeah. At Fogo de Chao. Yeah. Yeah. God, no. It's a big place for me. All right, well.

[A]

Yeah, we gotta hit it, man.

[B]

Yeah, man, we'll do it. We'll do it up. Don't bring your kids.

[A]

No, I don't. I don't. I wasn't thinking about them.

[B]

It's wasted on children.

[A]

No, no, I mean me. This for me. What, y' all like hamburger?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hot dog for you.

[B]

Children. Oh, man. Well, we should take a break, and then we should do a voicemail.

[A]

Yeah, let's do that. Let's take one more break.

[B]

We'll be back with more. My mom mama told me. We are back not with a voicemail, but an email.

[A]

We're doing emails again. We really fucked y' all on these emails.

[B]

There's a lot of stuff from way back. A lot of appropriate stuff, a lot of inappropriate stuff.

[A]

And that's not that. That is not fully our fault, but it is our responsibility.

[B]

Exactly. We.

[A]

We had a situation that wasn't.

[B]

Remember, the contract we signed was not

[A]

always helping to resolve problems that we needed, but we're resolving them now. We ain't got no soundboard, but we're focused on getting back to our roots.

[B]

And the soundboard's coming, and so.

[A]

And the soundboard is coming, and so are the voicemails. We ain't gonna forget y', all, but certainly we got an email from a person named J.R. murphy.

[B]

That's what I like.

[A]

J.R. murphy say you're.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

How do you spell it?

[A]

Y. E, traditional capital, all capital.

[B]

And wait, wait, Let me guess. Eight Rs.

[A]

Okay, let me add it up. Let me check your totals.

[B]

Run the numbers.

[A]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Okay, let me do 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 Rs.

[B]

Ooh, okay, I'm sorry. I thought you were from New York. No seven Rs.

[A]

Good. That's a lot of seven Rs from Yonkers. He said, what up, David? What up, Langston? And peace to all the gods and earths. Gods and earths of the freaky nation. I got a conspiracy I think is right up you niggas alley. We'll be the judge of that, Junior. But we're listening.

[B]

It probably is.

[A]

It's likely true. It's the early 2000s, Brooklyn, and I'm in elementary school. And I'm in elementary school with this brand new soda company. Seemingly out of nowhere, hits the devil's shelves. Tropical Fantasy.

[B]

This is. This goes back.

[A]

You remember Tropical Fantasy?

[B]

No. Didn't you have an episode about it?

[A]

No. Tropical Fantasy was not one of the.

[B]

I've never.

[A]

I'm not. Maybe I'm missing.

[B]

I gotta Google it. Let me look it up.

[A]

Tahitian treat was my.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Was my naughtiest soda okay in my pop is what we called it.

[B]

Yeah, you're from the Midwest.

[A]

From the Midwest. And I'm not ashamed of that. I'm very proud of that. So pop was Tahiti.

[B]

Okay. This is a dollar store soda. I can already tell.

[A]

Tropical Fantasy.

[B]

Oh, I've had their juices. Yeah, I've had their lemonade. I've had their juice.

[A]

Oh, I have seen these before. Absolutely. Tropical Fantasy.

[B]

I say if you're paying more than $1.25 for this, you're getting ripped off as much.

[A]

This feel when you go to, like, the Chinese food restaurant, the one with the bulletproof glass Chinese food restaurant, and you ask for a soda. These Tropical Fantasy are the options.

[B]

Yeah. Or you go to, like, some weird buffet and it's all fountain sodas. You've never heard of Tropical Fantasy? You know what I mean?

[A]

You're like. I'm pretty sure it's purple.

[B]

Yeah. You're like, Mr. Doctor,

[A]

I am in a taste for some purple, and I'm pretty sure it's purple. I'll just try. Right?

[B]

But anyways. All right.

[A]

Yeah. So. So he says in the. In the early 2000s. Oh, okay. Yeah. Tropical Fantasy. It arrives in a bevy of new and exotic flavors, like pina colada, cotton candy, blue raspberry. And he put in parentheses, david. And my personal favorite, champagne. God damn.

[B]

Wait, they made alcohol?

[A]

No, I think it was just champagne flavored soda for children. That's nuts.

[B]

I have so many feelings because as a child, I would have been so Humble, bro.

[A]

That would have been insane. The power I would have held.

[B]

I would have been looking for attention. You know what I'm drinking? Champagne. Yeah.

[A]

There were so many fucking conversations in an apartment corridor that could have went

[B]

different if you were on that ship.

[A]

If I had a little bit of champagne in my hands, I would have been phenomenal with some Champagne. They were 50 cents a pop, half the price of the classic Arizona and one third of the price of major soda brands like Hokan, Sprite. Best believe they were doing numbers in the hood like Tall Trees and Motorola Beepers. Within its first year. And story. Don't write poetry to us, nigga. When it was.

[B]

And that's your degree talking, I just thought he was talking.

[A]

Talk to me like a man, God damn it. Within its first years in stores, me and all my friends was having two a day, three a day. If your parents had money like that. Now here's where shit got tricky. Around year two of the soda being in stores, a rumor started floating around that our beloved tropical fantasies were actually a spermicide planted in the hood by the CIA to kill the sperm of young black men to prevent future generations of us from being born, thus dwindling the overall black population. Safe to say this rumor spread like wildfire almost as quick as they were popular. It was now an embarrassment, a mortal sin to drink these sodas we just loved. He started calling them nutties or nut busters. And if you were caught drinking one, we. We'd yell nutty. That's all you.

[B]

Jail nutty. You would yell nutty.

[A]

You should have seen it. Me and all my friends, all my Dave, the rest,

[B]

you know, Fat Albert,

[A]

you know, there's always one that's tolerant enough of you that that's how you got in.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But they're not actually your friends. It's just one dude.

[B]

He just lives up the street. Yeah.

[A]

It's like. Nah, he. He followed me here. So I guess. What am I gonna tell him? No.

[B]

Yeah, play five on five.

[A]

He said we yell nutty before nut tapping you as punishment. Ironic, given weren't supposed to drink them. You think it stopped there? He says, I did think that. You absolutely thought it was over there.

[B]

I thought that was the whole game was. You said you touched your friend's nut.

[A]

Nope. He has more to this story beyond the nut touches. He says, but my friend.

[B]

Then we kiss him. Then we kiss you.

[A]

Then we give little kisses. We start little up the nape of his neck. Nutty, Nutty,

[B]

Nutty.

[A]

Daddy nutty. And that's when the game had begun. You think it stopped there? He said, but my friends, this conspiracy has its own conspiracy. Sometime in the 2010s, the CEO of Tropical Fantasy, that's a company with a CEO. I didn't even know you could have a CEO at Tropical Fantasy.

[B]

I thought that was a company who only had a founder and maybe a clerk.

[A]

I thought it was ran by a man who was dipping a bottle in syrup and going, this is my dream, right?

[B]

I feel like it was ran out of an apartment above the store you bought it from.

[A]

Yeah, baby, I'll clean the bathtub. I'll get the stain out.

[B]

It's my fantasy.

[A]

This is my dream we're talking about.

[B]

How am I supposed to make fruit punch without red forting these?

[A]

And I hate to say this, these niggas love it. They love it. They heard there was spermicide in it. They're still drinking it. Now they're just hitting each other in the dick. It's phenomenal stuff.

[B]

Nutty, nutty.

[A]

He said, you think it stopped there, but it has its own conspiracy. The CEO of Tropical Fantasy was asked about this rumor and how it affected. He said he knows for sure that this vicious rumor was proliferated. And I got it.

[B]

You got it.

[A]

I fucking.

[B]

It almost beat your ass.

[A]

But you came back, you gotta put your hands up, and that's your problem at home. You find words you can't handle and you run, stutter through it. Not me. I back up, I put my hands up, I guard. And then I come back and I punch it in the face.

[B]

He's a defensive reader. My man's like the winky right of reading books.

[A]

A reference we both know, a reference we both understood. But my friends, this conspiracy, blah, blah, blah. He said he knows it affect. Oh, okay. We was asked about the rumor and how it affected Bran. He said he knows for sure the vicious rumor was proliferated by none other than Big Soda. Okay? He believes that Big Soda Soda saw how the fuck oh how. How Tropical Fantasy was affecting its sales in low income urban neighborhoods. Big Soda's favorite customer base. And thus they spread this rumor to try to kill his business.

[B]

So he's saying Pepsi leaks, that it kills your nut.

[A]

Pepsi, Coke, Pepsi Co, PepsiCo, Coca Cola, you.

[B]

Yeah, those are kind of the big ones.

[A]

They shook hands. They. They got in a dark room. They go, we can't let this.

[B]

RC was there watching rc.

[A]

RC got to sit, you know, at those big tables. Yeah, RC got to sit on the chairs outside of the big table.

[B]

R.C. was in the Cuck chair.

[A]

They're in the cuck chair, but they are in that room.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

They are privy to that information. And they do get to go talk down to a completely different institution of people. So they are powerful, but in that room they're hosts.

[B]

It's the weakest billionaire.

[A]

Shut the.

[B]

You got 1 billion if you don't

[A]

fucking shut the fuck up.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I have no problems with that.

[A]

It feels the most true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Here's the only other solution that I.

[B]

Cause cheap soda has. They've really cut that all out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like soda alternatives that are cheap for the most part. It used to be there was a lot more, I feel like, when I was younger than there are now, like your fagos and stuff like that. It wasn't just fake. It was like there were so many different types. And then, like, you could get, Remember, you could get Safeway select out of the can. Out of the can, out of a machine. Yeah. And it was right next to. Because remember, it was like universally, soda was 50 cents a can, 25.

[A]

But there were cheaper options of everything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We had, we had Knee High in Chicago.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And you know, I mean, I don't

[B]

even know what flavor that is.

[A]

Well, it was all. It had a bunch of different flavors.

[B]

Okay. But it was, it was cheap.

[A]

But it was cheap. You know what I mean? Like, that we had. Everybody had almost their local, like, institution. That could be the cheaper option. And it is hard to find now.

[B]

There's none of that. They stamped it all out. So. Yeah. Did they say, Did Pepsi say that you can't get your nut off because of Tropical Fantasy? Yes. Did you have to hit your friends in the dick and yell Nutty? That. I don't. I think that is you.

[A]

That was you.

[B]

And that's fine.

[A]

That's your character, Nutty. He was the only other other possibility I, I, I reasoned with.

[B]

Oh, the intonation of Nutty is wrong.

[A]

Oh, I didn't think about that.

[B]

Like, maybe it was like I. Nutty,

[A]

If somebody's running past you and screaming Nadine and they hit you in the dick, that, that is pretty cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That, that feels like how Mario, like, should finish a level.

[B]

It' that could be fun.

[A]

That would be fun.

[B]

That could be fun.

[A]

We should pitch that to the Mario folks. Now that we're here with Wave, our business is booming.

[B]

That's true. We're richer than we've ever been.

[A]

We now sit upon an empire unmatched in history.

[B]

You can tell by all the ads

[A]

you've Heard you go. These are quality ads.

[B]

This is good.

[A]

These are quality ads from quality people.

[B]

Yeah. I didn't even know that.

[A]

I. Why would you go down this.

[B]

I don't know, man. I had one on my. I had one in my head, and I couldn't think of the word the weapons provide.

[A]

But even if it is, it's just burning a bridge with a potential consumer.

[B]

Well, I had one that we were never gonna use. Oh. It was one of those weapons manufacturers. They have bases in Colorado. Oh, man, it was gonna be so good. It was really apt.

[A]

I got you.

[B]

It was really, really apt. Lockheed. Martin. Martin.

[A]

Fuck. Well, you could press a button.

[B]

That's not cool, man. You know, I'm out here without my bag of tricks. That was. That sucked. That fucking sucked. Now we gotta end the episode.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No.

[A]

We did everything we could. We hurt each other mostly. I think I won this round.

[B]

He did. But I'll be back. I'll be back. And he'll wear a shirt. I have something to say about.

[A]

Yep, absolutely.

[B]

This. Wow.

[A]

What a phenomenal episode. What you got?

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I'm getting married tomorrow, most likely. Oh, when this comes out?

[A]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Maybe not.

[A]

No, I think. Isn't it a. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Yeah. You can follow me at Lanksa German on all social media platforms. You can send us your own drops, your own conspiracy theories. If you want to tell us how your nut is doing, send it all to mymamapodmail.com we would love to hear from you. Give us a call at 844-for-LIL moms. And most importantly, get on off of that thing.

[B]

Bye, bitch.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

The wholesome player owes me money.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

Tell me.