Cobra Clog (with Langston Kerman and David Gborie)

Summary

My Momma Told Me – "Cobra Clog" (Dec 30, 2025)

Hosts: Langston Kerman & David Gborie
Network: Big Money Players Network and iHeartPodcasts

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, comedians Langston Kerman and David Gborie explore the origins and anxieties surrounding the (not totally irrational) Black folk fear that a snake might rise from the toilet and bite you where the sun don't shine — your "Kit Kat Bar." The pair read a fan's email about this ubiquitous dread and riff on whether there’s any real basis for it, weaving in their own comedic trauma, vulnerable moments, and Black community in-jokes along the way. They also discuss dressing for coolness, receive some flirtatious fan mail, digress about aging, and debate what truly makes a person vulnerable.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Legacy of “Cool” and Black Fashion (02:20–09:39)

• The hosts reminisce about trends they tried (and failed) to pull off, like ski goggles, glove fashion, and the challenges of trying to balance “fresh” with teacher professionalism.
  • Langston: “You gotta be fly, but you gotta be fly in a way that they’re like, I don’t...I don’t quite understand what that is.” (09:04)
  • David: “We’re here to learn multiplication, not get pussy.” (07:31)

2. PE Teachers, Toxic Gym Lore, and Growing Up Ignorant (09:42–12:06)

• Jokes about eccentric teachers and wild, problematic things said in gym class.
  • Langston: “I had a PE teacher tell me that Asian women have sideways pussies.” (10:00)
  • David: “Well, that’s true, though. He was just being a good man.” (10:05)

3. Fan Mail – Thirsty Listeners & Podcaster Sex Appeal (13:10–15:24)

• David reads a message from a listener, Josette, who offers up some very direct affection.
  • Josette (fan email): “I love deep dark chocolate, man. Oh, I bet he tastes like a Hershey bar. Oh, a girl can dream.” (13:21)
• The hosts discuss the odd dynamic of getting explicit DMs from both women and men.
  • Langston: “I support your right to suck whichever dicks you choose. I choose not to allow you to put my dick in your mouth. And that is sort of the position I take.” (16:03)
• Black culture’s unique relationship with calling each other ugly.
  • Langston: “They’ll say it with affection... Like, ‘these two ugly niggas are hilarious.’” (18:33)

4. Conspiracy: Snake in the Toilet Fear (20:10–56:48)

a) Where Did the Fear Come From? (20:10–26:52)

• Josette describes the common fear among her girlfriends of snakes biting them from the toilet.
• David: “Me and my giant Hershey bar [am] also afraid of the same thing… I don’t think it’s just women.” (26:44)
• The hosts compare the fear of toilet snakes vs. an intruder bursting through the bathroom door.

b) Sitting Down to Pee: Adulthood and Vulnerability (28:04–31:36)

• Openly admitting to sitting down to pee at home; discussing the changing bodies/minds of 30-somethings.
  • Langston: “I almost exclusively sit down to pee at home now… I’m resting.” (29:09)
  • David: “Sometimes I’ll sit to poop and then realize I got pees don’t come out as much as they used to. That’s just getting old, you know?” (29:45)

c) Paul Pierce, Masculinity, and the Fear of Public Shaming (31:00–36:42)

• Tangential discussion about NBA star Paul Pierce’s notorious incident of pooping his pants during a game, and Gborie’s own Safeway “shit story.”
  • David (on his accident): “I’m pretty sure it got to the back of my shirt.” (34:58)
  • Langston: “Shit himself in a mid-tier grocery store.” (37:23)

d) Research – Is Snake-Through-Toilet a Real Thing? (42:17–56:48)

• Langston Googles snake toilet attacks; finds it’s extremely rare and mostly happens in places like Australia.

  • Langston: “The frequency at which this happens is extremely low… It is a rare experience not often experienced by anybody.” (43:19)
  • Discusses one true (Australian) case: “A five-foot carpet python had bitten her...her bottom.” (52:30)
  • David: “The poison is not what I’m worried about...My dick getting bit by a snake.” (53:32)

• The sociological aspect: who is really vulnerable in bathrooms? Langston notes Google mainly returns stories of trans folks being endangered in public restrooms. (51:23)

e) Concluding the Conspiracy

• While it's possible for a snake to bite you in the toilet, in America it’s almost unheard of.
  • Langston: “If you do [have many snakes], get out of there. You ain’t gotta live like that.” (56:06)
  • David reads out Josette’s warm sign-off message to close the topic.

5. Old-Faced Black Men, Millennials, and Hope (48:38–51:12)

• Joking about how past generations aged versus millennials; why young people now look "old."
  • Langston: “Millennials... for whatever reason, we’re the youngest looking of all the generations. Gen Z is going back to those 1970s niggas who looked 45 when they were 20.” (49:09)
  • David: “It’s hope. We’re the last generation to grow up with any kind of hope.” (49:10)

6. Closing Moments, Merch, and Goodbyes (56:54–57:31)

• Plugs for live dates, show, merch, and social media.
• Fans are encouraged to send in both their conspiracy theories and their affection, albeit with some boundaries.
  • Langston: “If you want to send us your glowing love letters, if you want to send us hole, send it all to mymamapodmail.com. We would love to hear from you.” (57:31)
• Signature sign-off: “Bye, bitch. Microchips in your anus. All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money.” (58:07)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On DMs from fans:

• Langston: “She said, you taste like a Hershey bar.” (15:09)
• David: “Thank you to all the little mamas throwing at me via DMs and or emails. I currently have a girlfriend... I feel seen and I feel beautiful.” (14:14)

On bathroom vulnerability:

• Langston: “Real GS move in silence like lasagna...” (28:40)
• David: “Do you ever pee when you’re sitting down?”
  Langston: “I almost exclusively sit down to pee at home now.” (28:53–29:09)

On shame and public accidents:

• David: “I shit my pants at a Safeway once...I’m pretty sure it got to the back of my shirt.” (34:46–34:58)
• Langston: “Shit himself in a mid-tier grocery store.” (37:23)

On generational differences:

• David: “It’s hope. We’re the last generation to grow up with any kind of hope.” (49:10)
• Langston: “Robin Harris died at 36 years old. He looked rough for 36, man.” (50:20–50:47)

On snake-in-the-toilet fear:

• Langston: “The possibility...is extremely low. It is a rare experience not often experienced by anybody.” (43:19)
• David: “My dick getting bit by a snake.” (53:33)
• Langston (comforting Josette): “You and your Kit Kat bar...remain safe from snake bites in all forms.” (56:35)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:20–09:39] – On Black fashion, teacher coolness, and school style
• [13:10–15:24] – Reading and responding to Josette’s lusty fan email
• [20:10–26:52] – The universal fear of toilet snakes and its cultural spread
• [28:04–31:36] – Adulthood, sitting to pee, and male vulnerability
• [34:03–36:42] – David’s public humiliation: the Safeway poop story
• [42:17–56:48] – Snake-in-the-toilet: Fact, fiction, Australian nightmares
• [49:09–50:47] – Aging, hope, and why millennials look so good
• [56:54–57:31] – Plugs, fan engagement, and sign-off

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a blend of hilarity, gross-out stories, and real cultural reflection, using the titular conspiracy as a springboard into jokes about shame, masculinity, and what it means to be desired. Listening is like hanging out with your funniest cousins: no story is off-limits, and no vulnerability is too embarrassing to laugh about. By the end, you’ll be comforted that your bathroom anxieties are (mostly) unfounded — unless you live in Australia.

For merch, DMs, or to share your own weird fears/conspiracies, visit:
MyMamaToldMe.merchcentral.com
Email: [e-mail]

Hosts:

• @LangstonKerman
• @Coolguyjokes87

Transcript

[Langston Kerman]

This is an iHeart podcast.

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[Trainer Games Announcer]

Trainer Games on Prime Video January 8th. Watch the trailer on trainer games.com that's.

[David Bores]

How I feel about talking. Hearing Oo and Shannon Sharp talk sometimes where it's like, whoa, you know that there's. This is being recorded.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bores]

And Shannon Sharp's just like I split it up like a quarter three.

[Langston Kerman]

And that's the thing. OO is the reasonable one. Yeah.

[David Bores]

His name is Ocho Cinco and he's like, unk. You have to calm down.

[Langston Kerman]

He's like, bro, you can't keep talking like this. I gotta do Shannon.

[David Bores]

This is what I gotta do. Ocho, if it ain't 280, it ain't a lady. Which is a. He should get merged to that. That's pretty.

[Langston Kerman]

That's crazy.

[David Bores]

The government growing babies, microchips in your anus. All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money. Marshall's invented turkey stuffing. Y' all can't tell me nothing. Do you know what today is? It's our anniversary. Welcome to another episode of My Mama.

[Langston Kerman]

Told Me, the podcast where we dive deep, deep into the pockets of black conspiracy theories.

[David Bores]

And we finally worked to prove that the game CeeLo was in fact invented by slaves to teach each other math. It wasn't about gambling. So when you take $85 off your uncle at the super bowl, don't feel bad. You're just trying to help that nigga learn some shit. My name is David Bore.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm Langston Kerman. And I'm proud to hear that that's the best way to honor our ancestors. Come on. By gambling against our estranged relatives.

[David Bores]

Our ancestors guided me in the winning of about $80 on the super bowl this year, so I thank you.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Good for you. Were you 49ers? I assume you were just because of your San Francisco connection.

[David Bores]

Yeah, but I also had prop bets, so I bet for the first drive to be less then 3 minutes and 15 seconds, and I made, like, 80 bucks off of that. And then I also bet for Deebo and McCaffrey to get a touchdown. I lost that. And then. But then I won a bunch of money in dice, so I still won.

[Langston Kerman]

You found. You found your way back on top.

[David Bores]

Yeah. Cause I just bet the money line. Cause I'm not really great about spreads. Freak me out.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I don't understand a lot of the shorthand of gambling. And so intimidating asking adult men to explain it to you. So I've just opted not to play. You know what I mean?

[David Bores]

Where it's like, I'm the same way with technology.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 1]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

It's just like, men especially, it's like you go to them and you go, hey, I'm vulnerable. Could you please. Could you please help me? And they make you feel very small, very fast.

[David Bores]

Yeah. Men love jargon.

[Langston Kerman]

Mm. Mm.

[David Bores]

That's what it is. Men love jar game, bro. So it's like. Cause I don't know what I'm doing either. I'm saying stuff like I bet Moneyline. Cause it's for stupid people. Yeah. It just means I Bet that the 49ers were gonna win straight up.

[Langston Kerman]

Right?

[David Bores]

Is this working? I was thinking about becoming a gloves guy.

[Langston Kerman]

I was wondering what's happening here. I looked. I thought we were having a normal conversation. And then your fingers look like Dumbledore after he fucked around with that Horcrux. And I wasn't sure what was happening, but.

[David Bores]

Is it not good? I'll take them off.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't think it's great. I don't think those are the type of gloves you can be a glove guy with. I don't think you can just put on two North Face gloves.

[David Bores]

They're North Face. I thought, that's cool.

[Langston Kerman]

I think gloves. Cool glove guys wear, like, a hard leather. They wear like a hard leather. Yeah, they wear, like a thick. A thick motorcycle leather. They don't wear fucking.

[David Bores]

I wanted to be a kids mittens. Okay. They're for everyone. First of all, the North Face is a very adult company. I always wanted. Did you. I always wanted to be a batting gloves guy, but I never had. I was never cool enough to pull that off.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. There was a few eras that I wish I could have. You remember when, like, goggles were in? When, like, you could, like, Diddy and Mace, and you put on, like, a pair of goggles with your outfit and somehow that. That wasn't a thing people asked questions about. I desperately wanted to be a ski goggles ass dude. And couldn't pull it off.

[David Bores]

I couldn't.

[Langston Kerman]

Well.

[David Bores]

Cause you were too young. Here's the thing. This is so funny. I was just talking to my homie about it yesterday, and his dad was from New York, so they had all kinds of bootleg shit. And he said he came to school in, like, not just the goggles. You remember the Tommy. The Tommy school cap?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bores]

He said he came into school with both in, like, the fourth grade.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, he was so cool.

[David Bores]

And the principal was like, what are you doing? Of course not.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

No.

[David Bores]

You're a little boy.

[Langston Kerman]

This isn't a rap video. You take that goddamn shit off.

[David Bores]

We're here to learn multiplication, not get pussy.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, you're not. You out of your mind? You're gonna look cooler than me on a reg.

[David Bores]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

No.

[David Bores]

I'll fucking kill you, little boy.

[Langston Kerman]

You're gonna look like how I wanna dress. Fuck you.

[David Bores]

Take that off, man. Do you think you were a teacher? Did you ever, like, get some fly shit? And you were like, I bet I could wear this at school. Cause you said you took the bow tie out of the classroom. Did you ever take. You know, the echo in. Is that I'm trying to frame my things. I'm trying to be more professional in my manner of speech.

[Langston Kerman]

I got you. I. I want to be clear that I wasn't still wearing echo as a professional educator, but I. I do, I do remember there being like. There being like sweaters or sweat shirts that I'd be like, damn, if I could figure out a way to put this over my shirt and tie and still have my tie showing. Right. I could like, kind of fly this up and not feel like as much of a dork. But I do think after a while, you're just a dude waking up at 6am to go teach kids and you stop giving a fuck about how you look. Which is maybe the most disheartening part of teaching.

[David Bores]

Are they high schoolers?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[David Bores]

Was there ever a level of you wanting them to think you were fresh? Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

You do want them to think you're, like, cool. You know what I mean? Like, I didn't want them to think I'm a loser, but I didn't want.

[David Bores]

Because you're not that far from their age. Right.

[Langston Kerman]

That's the hard game, though, is you don't want them to think you're a loser, but you also don't want them to think you're wanting them to be cool with you. Do you know what I mean? So, like, you, you gotta be fly, but you gotta be fly in a way that they're like, I don't. I don't get it. I don't quite understand what that is.

[David Bores]

Oh, interesting. Interesting.

[Langston Kerman]

And that's. That's a hard little needle to thread because they immediately, if you dress too cool, they think you're best friends. And if you dress too dorky, they think they're like, they could talk down to you and shit.

[David Bores]

So I would have to be a PE Teacher.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, that's smart.

[David Bores]

Because if I could incorporate physical punishments, you're going to respect me.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. And also you. You don't have to really adhere to, like, teacher law when it comes to PE Teachers.

[David Bores]

It feels like it's the wild, wild west and stuff. Yeah, you could use slurs. Like, it's a whole bunch of shit that goes on in the gym. That's.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I had a PE teacher tell me that Asian women have sideways pussies.

[David Bores]

Well, that's true, though. He was trying to put. He was just like a good man.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, he was just a Man. Trying to inform me of what's happening out in the world.

[David Bores]

How did that come up? During dodgeball, he was like, buddy, buddy.

[Langston Kerman]

I wish I knew. It was very.

[David Bores]

I'll say this.

[Langston Kerman]

It was very natural. He sort of. He just said, boys, gather round. And then he decided to, I guess, dispense his wisdom on us. And we were 14 and very uncertain of what to do with that information.

[David Bores]

Yeah, what are you now? What does that help? I don't know what to do with the other ones.

[Langston Kerman]

There also was.

[David Bores]

Throw me a curveball like I thought.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

No, I had not seen a pussy yet.

[David Bores]

Yeah. I'm not ready for the straight up and down.

[Langston Kerman]

He said it. And I had to think about which way was sideways.

[David Bores]

You know, I'm 36. I'm still not 100% sure.

[Langston Kerman]

And also, we didn't have enough Asian women to. You know what I mean?

[David Bores]

Like, that's why he did it.

[Langston Kerman]

To pull or pull from.

[David Bores]

That's why he did it.

[Langston Kerman]

No, it was a true violence he did to us as boys, and I don't know what to do with it.

[David Bores]

Well, shout out to Asian women. I know all you have your pussies on straight, and if you do. If you don't. I don't think that's that big of a problem.

[Langston Kerman]

Listen, I cannot imagine that if I went down there and your shit was sideways, that that would in any way deter me from finishing my job.

[David Bores]

Because it doesn't. And this is the last I'll say on this. It doesn't disorient the whole. It's just all the extras.

[Langston Kerman]

No, no, no, no. That's just a spider, man. Kiss baby girl. And now let's get to work.

[David Bores]

You hanging from a web. You come down from the ceiling. Oh, I love that.

[Langston Kerman]

This is. This is a rare Langston and David episode. I don't know if they're that rare. We do them every once in a while, but we're.

[David Bores]

Once a month or something.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, we're excited to just shoot the shit with each other. We. We got some emails. We might talk about some other stuff. Who knows where the conversation will take us? But we are happy you're here, and we have an email that I think you should read. I think it's only right that you read this email because of the circumstances being presented in the email.

[David Bores]

Or is it.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't know if I read it.

[David Bores]

I think it's more uncomfortable if I read it, which ultimately probably leads to the better humor.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, no, I think that's. That's exactly Right.

[David Bores]

I've never. It's intimate. Okay.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 1]

Yeah.

[David Bores]

Let's just get into it.

[Langston Kerman]

Hell, yeah.

[David Bores]

Hi, David and Langston.

[Langston Kerman]

You should frame who this is from.

[David Bores]

I don't think we're supposed to say her name, are we?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, we say her first name.

[David Bores]

We don't have to say, this is from Josette.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bores]

Hi, David and Langston. I want to first say that I adore both of you. That's nice, David. More so than Langston.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, I don't love that part, but I'm listening.

[David Bores]

I love deep dark chocolate, man. Oh, I bet he tastes like a Hershey bar. Oh, a girl can't dream.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, well, let's stop there. Let's just pause right there.

[David Bores]

I wish we ate. I'd rather get it going.

[Langston Kerman]

This is worth addressing that. I do think more often, certainly, than myself. Women are throwing a lot of pussy at you in these messages. You're getting more thrown at you, I think, than most would say.

[David Bores]

Yeah. I don't know. I was not prepared to address these allegations.

[Langston Kerman]

Well, it's the state of the union, my man. You don't get to just skip over everything that's happening in the country. You know what I mean?

[David Bores]

Listen, thank you to all the little mamas thrown at me via DMs and or emails. I currently have a girlfriend. It's very nice of you. I appreciate your comments on my skin that are borderline harassment. I appreciate it. And I feel seen and I feel beautiful.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. David, unfortunately, has chosen a lover.

[David Bores]

I don't like it when you say it like that.

[Langston Kerman]

Well, it's unfortunate for you all. It's not unfortunate for him. It's a beautiful thing that he's found a special someone. That said, you bitches gotta calm down. Cause you're really. You're really trying to suck my man off. And it's not.

[David Bores]

It's not. It's not that. Don't make. You make it sound like I'm getting DMs. Where people are like, let me suck your dick. It's like if anybody.

[Langston Kerman]

She said, you taste like a Hershey bar.

[David Bores]

Which is. Which is if that's what you're coming in this hoping for, baby, let me tell you.

[Langston Kerman]

Wrong flavor.

[David Bores]

Yeah. Probably tastes a lot like the other ones you've had in your mouth. But let's not be okay. But to be fair, if we're talking about who's getting explicit DMs.

[Langston Kerman]

Sure.

[David Bores]

Between you and I.

[Langston Kerman]

Sure, sure, sure.

[David Bores]

It's still. You win.

[Langston Kerman]

Well, let me. Let's also be clear. That the explicit DMs that I get are. It's not even. It's not even people that I've. I've. I would even remotely entertain sexually.

[David Bores]

Why not, Langston?

[Langston Kerman]

Because it's mostly just men who.

[David Bores]

Oh, okay, I get it the fuck in very.

[Langston Kerman]

No, it has nothing to do with homophobia. It's displeasure. It's displeasure. It is not fear. Let me be clear. I am an ally. I support your right to suck whichever dicks you choose. I choose not to allow you to put my dick in your mouth. And that is sort of the position I take in all of this.

[David Bores]

Cause let's be fair, fellas, my man has a family. You can't be.

[Langston Kerman]

I have a family.

[David Bores]

You're sending them whole. You sending them whole, dog. Come on.

[Langston Kerman]

I will say that men are unfortunately, the exact same. Despite their sexual orientations. Men are out of control with women, and they are also out of control with men. And so I get very aggressive emails, DMs, and sometimes even just straight up fucking comments underneath pictures of my daughter where men are. It's just me and my fucking daughter. And they'll be like, I kiss the shit out of you. And it's like, hey, man, stop it. You gotta chill the fuck out.

[David Bores]

Yeah, it's Tuesday. Here's my question, though. Is it comforting to know that if you go to the other side, you would be well received?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, that's kind of cool.

[David Bores]

I'm not gonna lie about that. Nobody ever thinks I'm gay. Like, never. I had a gay roommate. I'd go out with him sometimes. None of those dudes were ever like, hey, you are.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. What you doing here?

[David Bores]

Yeah. Never, never, never, never, never. It's probably cause I camouflaged on. But.

[Langston Kerman]

They couldn't see you, you know?

[David Bores]

Yeah. No dudes ever think that I'm a gay guy. So that's like, nice.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. No, listen, I'm not offended by the warmness of the reception. It is not lost on me that it is very sweet that people would find myself, you, attractive. I think we both can agree it's a very nice feeling.

[David Bores]

It feels it. Does it? Everybody wants to be wanted. And I'm glad we're not like a uggo podcast. Like, I'm glad people aren't like, damn, take the videos down.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, no, we don't need to look at you. Let's just listen to your sultry voices.

[David Bores]

Because that would hurt my feelings.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bores]

That would be hard for me if people were just sending an email because I was talking to somebody. About this before we get to the rest of this. Have you noticed black people are the only people with the courage to just straight up call people ugly and bully them for being ugly. Nobody else, like, does that. Like that.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Black people do it in a way where, like, they'll say it with affection. Just a presumed. Like, if. I think. I wouldn't be surprised if they were like, these two ugly niggas are hilarious. And it's like, bro, you didn't even have to say that first part.

[David Bores]

Yeah, yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

You didn't have to mention how we look. That's so mean. But that's just. That's the way we speak to each other.

[David Bores]

I do appreciate it because I was thinking about it the other day. I just have never seen, like, even, like, black men to each other all the time, call each other ugly, but, like, I never seen white guys do that. Really?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. No, sometimes I'll. Even people I don't think are ugly, I'll, like, see, a lot of times. A lot of times, from a distance, I'll be like, look at this ugly motherfucker.

[David Bores]

I didn't mean that. People in my family. I think I have a very. My brother's very attractive. I'll call him. What's up, Ugly little boy. Yeah. Cute guys.

[Langston Kerman]

All of them. Yeah.

[David Bores]

No.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I don't know what that is, but it certainly is. It's part of our cooking.

[David Bores]

Yeah.

[Podcast Advertiser/Announcer]

All right.

[David Bores]

Well, anyways, so we got past that. She wants to slurp me down.

[Langston Kerman]

Josette is a girl can dream, and she's looking to slurp, but she's.

[David Bores]

And you can dream. You can dream about me in my big, huge Hershey bar. Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

All right. Let's not oversell it here.

[David Bores]

Well, let's sell the product she's looking to buy. I think I'm sweating. Very uncomfortable. Anyway, enough with the pleasantries.

[Langston Kerman]

There we go.

[David Bores]

We got through it. Every one of my girlfriends has the same irrational fear of a snake coming up through the toilet and biting our Kit Kat bars. I never heard anybody call it Kit Kat Bar. That's great.

[Langston Kerman]

I haven't either. And at first when I read it, I thought to myself, what? And then I thought about it a second. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[David Bores]

No, it's great. Give me a break. You know?

[Langston Kerman]

You know what my problem was? And I'll be honest, when Kit Kat Bar first got introduced is I pictured the four Kit Kat bars are all next to each other.

[David Bores]

I get that.

[Langston Kerman]

But then when you make it the two Kit Kat bars and you cut it open. Yeah. Then it's like, oh, okay. Yep, yep, yep.

[David Bores]

Or whatever your insides. Look, I'm not genital shaming you. Yeah, some people got Kit Kat bars, some people got Fruit Roll ups.

[Langston Kerman]

It's all, hey, some people. Some people got a spilled bag of groceries and. And that's just fine with me.

[David Bores]

Yeah. Clean up on aisle six. About to come down with my Spider man mask. Nasty episode already.

[Langston Kerman]

That was disgusting.

[David Bores]

Gross.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

You know what separates the pros from the rest? It's not just talent. It's how you respond when the game gets tough. Do you dig in? You fight back. And when it comes to your health, that same mindset matters.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 1]

Yeah. Especially if you or someone you care about is facing metastatic prostate cancer. There's a treatment called pluvicto lutetium Lou177 vapivotide tetraxitan. And it's changing the game.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 2]

Plavicto isn't chemo. It's a different kind of treatment that targets PSMA positive cells, including prostate cancer cells. Plavicto can be used before chemotherapy for some people.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Here's the official word. Pluvicto is a prescription treatment used to treat adults with prostate specific membrane antigen positive metastatic castration resistant prost prostate cancer or PSMA positive MCRPC who have already been treated with hormone therapy and are considered appropriate to delay chemotherapy.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 1]

Now let's talk safety. Pluvicto involves contact with radioactivity, which may increase the risk for cancer and cause fetal harm. Drink plenty of fluids, urinate often, use contraception, and talk to your doctor about how to reduce the risk of exposing others to radiation during and after treatment.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 2]

It can also cause low blood cell counts, kidney problems, and infertility. Tell your doctor if you notice weakness, pale skin, shortness of breath, bleeding or bruising. More easily an infection, or changes in urination.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Side effects include decreased blood cell counts, tiredness, dry mouth, nausea, appetite loss, joint or back pain, and constipation.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 1]

Look, every day matters. And if you're in the fight or know someone who is, this is a conversation worth having.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 2]

Ask your doctor about Plavicto because just like in football, every play, every decision, every second counts.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Visit pluvicto.com to learn more. That's P L-U-V-I-C-T O.com.

[Ed Helms]

Hey, everyone. Ed Helms here.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

And hi, I'm Kal Penn and we're the hosts of Irsay The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.

[Ed Helms]

This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Jenny Garth, host of the iHeart podcast. I choose me to discuss the new Audible adaptation of the timeless Jane Austen classic Pride and Prejudice. This is not a trick question. There's no wrong answer. What role would I play?

[Podcast Advertiser/Announcer]

You know what? I can see you as Mr. Darcy. You got a little Colin Firth.

[Ed Helms]

Okay, that's really sweet.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 2]

I appreciate that.

[Ed Helms]

But are you sure I'm not the dad? I'm not Mr. Bennett. Here, listen to Earsay the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. You know, one of the perks about having four kids that you know about is actually getting a direct line to the big man up north. And this year he wants you to know the best gift that you can give someone is the gift of Mint Mobile's unlimited wireless for $15 a month. Now you don't even need to wrap it. Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment.

[Podcast Advertiser/Announcer]

Of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes if network's busy, taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile.com you can't solve every case for your kids, but with greenlight, they'll have the instincts and the money skills to stay out of trouble. With a greenlight debit card and money app, parents can monitor spending and teach financial responsibility. It's an easy way to guide kids as they grow from earning allowance and tracking chores to teaching how to save and even invest. Start your risk free greenlight trial [e-mail] iheart that's greenlight.com iheart.

[Langston Kerman]

We'Re calling upon you because we have new merch. We have very exciting merch that we are now selling and it's fucking great. We love it so much.

[David Bores]

It's sleek, it's sexy.

[Langston Kerman]

Come on. You want to tell them what we have?

[David Bores]

Yeah, we have three different types of hats which is really fun. We have a of ton two tone hat, alien dad hat, the traditional logo in black and khaki. Then we have the enamel pin with the alien who has a koofie on it says my mama told me. And then we have T shirts that say proud little mama, which is who you are.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, you can buy the merch now go to mymamatoldme.merchcentral.com and we want you to have all the sweet stuff, so get it.

[David Bores]

Anyway. Okay? Yeah. Same rational view of a snake coming up and biting our Kit Kat Bars. We don't know why we have this fear. Why do we all have this irrational fear, but nobody talks out loud about it? How did it come to be that we all have this similar. Same fear as women? Well, let me stop you here, Josette. Me and my giant Hershey bar also afraid of the same thing, Are you? I'm afraid of that, yeah. I don't think it's just women.

[Langston Kerman]

I'll be honest. That is not where my fear lives with the toilet.

[David Bores]

Do tell.

[Langston Kerman]

We've actually talked about it a little bit in previous episodes. But I'm much more afraid of what could come in via the doors than I have ever been afraid of what could rise up from inside of the toilet.

[David Bores]

Well, here's just to push back a little bit. The thing about coming in is you still at least have some way to see it and protect yourself. Coming from under. You got a snake could just bite your penis.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, but. But I also don't know snakes to be like just dick biting for the hell of it. I think they're all. You kind of have to provoke the snake and do shit to the snake.

[David Bores]

I mean, do you know men to come in and assault you from the toilet?

[Langston Kerman]

I think that's. Statistically. I think that's probably more likely than a snake just biting dick.

[David Bores]

Who do you know that that's happened.

[Langston Kerman]

To assaulted a man while he was sitting on the toilet or a man.

[David Bores]

Was assaulted when he got was on the toilet?

[Langston Kerman]

Nobody personally, but I've heard lore. I've seen enough movies that it's not. It could happen to somebody.

[David Bores]

When was the last time somebody walked in on you taking a shit? Hmm.

[Langston Kerman]

That's a good question. Man, it's been years. It's probably been since, like, since like fucking like living with roommates or high school even. Like. Really? Yeah.

[David Bores]

You seem like you would be very vigilant about not having someone see you.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I can't afford for that to get out. You know what I mean? I know that.

[David Bores]

I know. I know that for sure. You know, I could see that makes sense to me.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Real GS move in silence like lasagna and I can't.

[David Bores]

What do you even think you're doing on there?

[Langston Kerman]

I don't know, but I think it's so bad. I think that's the thing is like. And maybe this is. Do you pee?

[David Bores]

Do you ever pee when you're sitting down?

[Langston Kerman]

I almost exclusively sit down to pee at home now.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 2]

Are you looking for Stay off the damn weed?

[Langston Kerman]

I don't know.

[David Bores]

Conclusively at home.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I'm sitting. I'm sitting.

[David Bores]

Wow.

[Langston Kerman]

Out in public, I'll stand. You know, I respect the society we've built, but no, at home I sit down, I'm resting.

[David Bores]

At nighttime.

[Langston Kerman]

At nighttime. That's when I sometimes sit for longer than the pee. I'll just give it a nice rest sometimes. And maybe this is a familiar thing for a 36 year old man. Sometimes you sit down and you pee and then you realize I got a little bit more in there and it takes a while for you to find that little bit more and you just. That comes out and then you're like, oh, now I'm truly empty. And that was fucking tight.

[David Bores]

Yeah. Sometimes I'll sit to poop and then realize that I got pees don't come out as much as they used to. And that's just getting old, you know?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. It's unfortunate and I'm not proud of it. And I hate that my body is rejecting itself in the way that it is, but I don't think you have.

[David Bores]

To feel bad about it, man. It's not crazy.

[Langston Kerman]

I think it's just hard to forget the veracity of my youth. You know what I mean?

[David Bores]

Oh, when you were taking those like strong stream ones.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Bounced back and hit me in the chest.

[David Bores]

Yeah, I need a splash guard. My shit's coming out crazy. I gotta back up.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, hold on, hold on. I can't go on the first stall. There's not enough room. Yeah, I remember who I was and it's hard to let go of that. And I think that is why NBA players, you know, after they retire a while out the way that they do, and Paul Pierce is getting, you know, doing fucking Instagram live with strippers. It's because he remembers the Paul Pierce he used to be and not the Paul Pierce that he should be at 48 or whatever the fuck he is.

[David Bores]

I mean, you don't think it's okay for a man to be single at 48.

[Langston Kerman]

I don't think it's okay for Paul Pierce to be single at 48. I think that's a man who needs structure desperately sometimes. I listen to those conversations with him and Kevin Garnett. And Kevin Garnett is being like the mature one and being like, paul, you gotta chill. And it's like, bro, if Kevin Garnett is scolding you because you're out of line, you're. You've gotta reflect. They're not supposed to be by themselves. You know what I mean?

[David Bores]

Athletes in general do you think it's because their whole life was so regimented that when you kind of like. Cause like, athletes lives, for the most part, it's like. It's a job about discipline, right? You gotta be in the gym, you gotta put your time in, learn and play, all that shit. So it's like, when they let that go, you think it's just like they've never been free to just make all their own decisions in their life. Right?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I think certainly it has, like, a little bit of a militaristic, I guess, energy about it, where it's like you wake up at this time, you go and you do this and this exercises and then practice and then gym again. And like, it sort of fills your day with, like, motivation and dedication and reasons to do whatever the fuck you're doing. And then when you have all these recreational behaviors, it certainly at least is earned behavior. And so you're. You're like managing it to some extent. Right. But then it just becomes, oh, I have mega millions and no reason to wake up in the morning.

[David Bores]

Yeah. All these strippers in my dm.

[Langston Kerman]

Everybody remembers who I used to be. So, like, yeah, I'm gonna fucking take it.

[David Bores]

To be fair, you're still that, man. Don't take that from him.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, no, I mean, Paul Pierce is.

[David Bores]

Everybody remembers when you were worth something contributing to us now.

[Langston Kerman]

I mean, I don't know what he's contributing now, but I certainly think Paul Pierce. Paul Pierce gave us a lot. You know what I mean?

[David Bores]

He really did, man. He shit his pants.

[Langston Kerman]

He shit his pants and then Brian Scalabrini carry him out. What a great. What a great moment in history.

[David Bores]

That was a big time. I. Listen, man, I. As someone who. That's a big fear of theirs. It's just like, nice to see it played out. Not so terrible, you know?

[Langston Kerman]

And I'd say played out maybe the best anyone's ever played it out.

[David Bores]

Yeah. For real. For real.

[Langston Kerman]

No person in history has shit themselves more efficiently and effectively than. Yeah, like.

[David Bores]

Cause if I did, man, I shit my pants at a Safeway once is fucked up. Suck. I don't even really want to talk about it. It's just really awful. It's really, really awful.

[Langston Kerman]

What happened? Did it go down your leg?

[David Bores]

No, man, I was driving home. That's how long ago I had a driver's license. I was driving home from work and I went to Safeway to grab some shit. And then I was in line and this girl I knew was behind me with her boyfriend who's the Worst. And we started talking, and I had my back to him because I turned around and then it just fucking happened. I was wearing a baby blue button down. As was the time, you know, as was the time. So I had to kind of, like, keep talking and back. Like, I had to keep talking to them and then, like, back up to the card reader and turn and pay and then kind of just like, back all the way.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, you still had business to do.

[David Bores]

Because it was. And it was. I'm pretty sure it got to the back of my shirt.

[Langston Kerman]

God damn.

[David Bores]

So I didn't want it. You know what I mean? So I had to kind of, like, back out of the Safeway. Then I had to get my car, and I had to drive another, like, 15 miles home.

[Langston Kerman]

Fuck.

[David Bores]

And then when I got home, it was during the Western Conference finals.

[Langston Kerman]

I thought you were gonna say it was 9 11.

[David Bores]

No.

[Langston Kerman]

When I got home, I looked on the TV, and the second tower fell, it was like.

[David Bores]

It was like. It was the Western Conference finals. The one with the Nuggets and the Lakers.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bores]

So I had, like, 10, 12 people in my house, and I forgot that. So as I opened the door, I was like, fuck. Cause my roommate had let everybody in, dog.

[Langston Kerman]

This is insane.

[David Bores]

It sucked. And then I was like. And then I was like, I can't even. I'm not gonna. I can't get from the front door to downstairs. So I just had to be like, listen, man.

[Langston Kerman]

Hey, everybody, thank you for coming.

[David Bores]

I gotta go. I gotta. I'll be back up in, like, an hour.

[Langston Kerman]

I got the groceries. But I also have a little bit of a problem, so I'll see y' all in a minute.

[David Bores]

Fucking. It's not a good day.

[Langston Kerman]

No, that's a. That's a. That's a sad story, big dog. I'm not.

[David Bores]

And we lost to the Lakers.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I was about to say it doesn't end well either, for the. The Western Conference finals.

[David Bores]

No. Olivier hit the group chat and said. Experienced his own. 9, 11. Thank you. In that. In that. I will never forget.

[Langston Kerman]

Fuck. Yeah. That's. That's a low. Low. I'm shitting myself, for sure. But I've. I've managed to keep it private every time, bro.

[David Bores]

It was like, double public. It was like double public.

[Langston Kerman]

Fuck.

[David Bores]

I mean, but that's what it is. That's why it can be a clown on stage for money. You really have to humble yourself.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. And, Josette, I don't know if this changes whether or not you want to. You want to suck them off, but.

[David Bores]

I feel like these DMs are about to slow down to a trickle after this.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, there ain't gonna be so many you taste like chocolates coming in.

[David Bores]

Look at your sex symbol now. This is your king. Shit himself in a Safeway after work.

[Langston Kerman]

Shit himself in a mid tier grocery store.

[David Bores]

It wasn't even a Whole Foods. Oh man, I was probably drinking Safeway Brands soda. Shout out to Safeway Select.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

You know what separates the pros from the rest? It's not just talent, it's how you respond when the game gets tough. You dig in, you fight back. And when it comes to your health, that same mindset matters.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 1]

Yeah, especially if you or someone you care about is facing metastatic prostate cancer. There's a treatment called pluvicto lutetium LU177 vapivotide to traxitan and it's changing the game.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 2]

Plovicto isn't chemo. It's a different kind of treatment that targets PSMA positive cells, including prostate cancer cells. Plavicto can be used before chemotherapy for some people.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Here's the official word. Pluvicto is a prescription treatment used to treat adults with prostate specific membrane antigen positive metastatic castration resistant prostate cancer or PSMA positive MCRPC who have already been treated with hormone therapy and are considered appropriate to delay chemotherapy.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 1]

Now let's talk safety. Pluvicto involves contact with radioactivity, which may increase the risk for cancer and cause fetal harm. Drink plenty of fluids, urinate often, use contraception, and talk to your doctor about how to reduce the risk of exposing others to radiation during and after treatment.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 2]

It can also cause low blood cell counts, kidney problems and infertility. Tell your doctor if you notice weakness, pale skin, shortness of breath, bleeding or bruising more easily an infection, or changes in urination.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Side effects include decreased blood cell counts, tiredness, dry mouth, nausea, appetite loss, joint or back pain, and constipation.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 1]

Look, every day matters. And if you're in the fight or know someone who is, this is a conversation worth having.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 2]

Ask your doctor about Plavicto because just like in football, every play, every decision, every second counts.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Visit pluvicto.com to learn more. That's P L U V I c t o.com.

[Ed Helms]

Hey everyone, Ed Helms here.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

And hi, I'm Cal Penn and we're the hosts of Irsay The Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.

[Ed Helms]

This week on the podcast I am sitting down with Jenny Garth, host of the iHeart podcast. I choose me to discuss the new Audible adaptation of the timeless Jane Austen classic Pride and Prejudice. This is not a trick question. There's no wrong answer. What role would I play?

[Podcast Advertiser/Announcer]

You know what? I can see you as Mr. Darcy. You got a little Colin Firth.

[Ed Helms]

Okay, that's really sweet.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 2]

I appreciate that.

[Ed Helms]

But are you sure I'm not the dad? I'm not Mr. Bennett. Here, listen to earsay the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartradio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Podcast Advertiser/Announcer]

Ten athletes will face the toughest job interview in fitness that will push past physical and mental breaking points. You are the fittest of the fit. Only one of you will leave here with an IFIT contract worth $250,000. This is where mindset comes in. Someone will be eliminated. Pressure is coming down.

[Trainer Games Announcer]

Trainer games on Prime Video January 8th. Watch the trailer on trainergames.com did you.

[Ed Helms]

Know Microsoft has officially ended Support for Windows 10? Upgrade to Windows 11 with an LG Gram laptop, voted PCMag's Reader's Choice top laptop brand for 2025. Thin and ultra lightweight, the LG Gram keeps you productive anywhere. And Windows 11 gives you access to free security updates and ongoing feature upgrades. Visit lgusa.com iheart for great seasonal savings on LG Gram LA laptops with Windows 11 PC Mag. Reader's Choice. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

[Langston Kerman]

We're calling upon you because we have new merch. We have very exciting merch that we are now selling and it's fucking great. We love it so much.

[David Bores]

It's sleek, it's sexy.

[Langston Kerman]

Come on. You want to tell them what we have?

[David Bores]

Yeah, we have three different types of hats which is really fun. We have a two tone hat, alien dad hat, the traditional logo in black and khaki. Then we have the enamel pin with the alien who has a koofie on it says my mama told me. And then we have T shirts that say Proud little mama, which is who you are.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, you can buy the merch now. Go to mymamatoldme.merchcentral.com and we want you to have all the sweet stuff. So get it. Well, to the question of snakes popping up from the toilet, I did a quick googling. How often do snakes come out of toilets? Because it does. They do say that this is a real thing that happens, that sewers can be hiding ground for a hiding ground for mice and rats. Snakes will enter the sewer to get their next meal. They can make their way through a sewer and slither their creepy way through a through the bend of A toilet. The s mend. However, this still doesn't mean this is a common incident. And they said that the possibility. The frequency at which this happens is extremely low. It is a rare experience not often experienced by anybody.

[David Bores]

We're talking about once or twice a year.

[Langston Kerman]

I think it's much rarer than that. I think we're talking like, nobody, you know is likely to ever have this personal experience.

[David Bores]

Now look up bathroom attacks, though, ok?

[Langston Kerman]

Snakes. Snake attacks in bathrooms.

[David Bores]

No, I was just saying in general, stranger attacks in bathrooms. Because I think that's like. Cause when we had talked about it before, you said even when you lived alone, you would shit with the door closed.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, I get very nervous of people entering when I'm at my most vulnerable state. I. I keep doors closed when I sleep, I keep doors closed. When I. I keep doors closed at all times.

[David Bores]

I don't even think shitting is my top three most vulnerable states.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, list them.

[David Bores]

When I'm at the movies by myself. Why is that so funny?

[Langston Kerman]

You can get up and leave. What do you mean?

[David Bores]

I just really lock in in a way where I'm, like, not very aware of outside.

[Langston Kerman]

Whoa, you really live that Nicole Kidman commercial you really like.

[David Bores]

I like the movies a lot. I enjoy it as an experience. I like it as a group, but I like going to myself a lot. And if it's a really good movie, I'm locked. Locked in.

[Langston Kerman]

You know what? What we just did is we went and saw. Me and some comedians out here. Jordan Temple, Zack Fox, other cool names. But we went and saw a. A double feature of a goofy movie and Bebe's Kids.

[David Bores]

At the New Beverly.

[Langston Kerman]

At the New Beverly.

[David Bores]

That's. When I was in Los Angeles, I saw. At the New Beverly, I saw Booty Call with Jordan.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Bores]

That's a good double feature.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. A Goofy Movie is a perfect film.

[David Bores]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

It truly is just so funny. It's so. It's got heart. It moves you in all kinds of cool ways. Bebe's Kids is.

[David Bores]

Come on, don't be like that, Langston.

[Langston Kerman]

Bebe's Kids is a classic, and I take nothing from it. And if I never see it again, that's okay.

[Podcast Advertiser/Announcer]

Come on.

[David Bores]

That's my family. That's like. We love that movie. We're a Bebe's kid's family.

[Langston Kerman]

Really?

[David Bores]

Oh, man. Even my littlest brother loves it.

[Langston Kerman]

Whoa.

[David Bores]

Yeah.

[Podcast Advertiser/Announcer]

Come on.

[David Bores]

All the songs straight Jacken.

[Langston Kerman]

Straight Jacket is a good song.

[David Bores]

Come on.

[Langston Kerman]

It's weird that it comes three quarters into the movie.

[David Bores]

Yeah. Also, that weird freedom song with the robots that he sings is also strange.

[Langston Kerman]

There's a lot of sort of like, poorly structured build to that film in a way that, you know, it truly felt like it was a Robin Harris brainchild that.

[David Bores]

What was this bit?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, they just took a bit and then evolved it into a film. And then he didn't even get to see it come to fruition. And they had to let Faison Love finish it out.

[David Bores]

Which is which I'm saying this on the record right now. If I die, do not let Faith on Love take my. Don't recast.

[Langston Kerman]

I'm glad you said that because he was actually the first guy I thought he was. I. I was like, if Bory dies, I'm calling Faith on Love, yo. With his big Hershey chocolate ass. But fair enough. I won't call him. I want him.

[David Bores]

Yeah, you. You can't call him. If I die, you replace me with the light skinned guy. You change the name to Light on Light. No. No dark skin replacement. Like, if I die and you put Killer Mike in here, I'm gonna haunt you and Olivia, all right?

[Langston Kerman]

It'll be me and Benium. Just.

[David Bores]

No, you don't get another African either.

[Langston Kerman]

Aw, damn. I wouldn't even get an African.

[David Bores]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No Africans. No dark skinned dudes. I fucking. I'm the only. I'm like a jealous boyfriend over here. You have no one but me. Nobody else wants you.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, man. Yeah. No, I don't think that it's a great film, but I recognize the joy, the nostalgic sort of like, thrill it offers.

[David Bores]

It's funny still, though.

[Langston Kerman]

Robin Harris still has, like, some funny ass joke jokes in there that you're like, damn, that's just a good ass joke.

[David Bores]

It's the first time I heard anybody call somebody a test tube baby.

[Langston Kerman]

Mm, that's big. Nah, he really. He was groundbreaking as a comedian, an artist, and it's a shame that he died so young.

[David Bores]

Was he young?

[Langston Kerman]

I think so. I think he was younger than he looked. Yeah, I think he was just an old faced ass dude. I could be wrong.

[David Bores]

There used to be more of those.

[Langston Kerman]

I think it was an entire generation for a while.

[David Bores]

I mean, have you seen that shit online where they're saying millennials, we aren't. We, like, aren't aging properly?

[Langston Kerman]

I think they're actually saying millennials are the ones that are aging pretty well. It's Gen Z that's not aging properly.

[David Bores]

No, that's what I'm saying. Like, we're aging too good.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, Millennials. For whatever reason, we're the youngest looking of all the generations. And then Gen Z is going back to like those 1970s niggas who like.

[David Bores]

You know what it is?

[Langston Kerman]

45 when they were 20.

[David Bores]

It's hope. We're the last generation to grow up with any kind of hope.

[Langston Kerman]

We had genuine hope.

[David Bores]

Yeah. We saw life before the Internet, before 9, 11 turned us into whatever it is we are now. Like, you know what I mean? We grew up, we all thought that we could get a house and have kids and like. And that was what the world was. These kids now have nothing to live for.

[Pharmaceutical Advertiser 1]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

No, they truly are born with a fucked up cynicism that just makes their face turn to mush.

[David Bores]

That's why they're prudes. They're all 80 year old women. You don't want to see tits in movies. Get out of here. Yeah, you don't want to see titties in movies. That's like one of the main reasons I go.

[Langston Kerman]

My only motivation when I was 16 years old was seeing titties and playing basketball.

[David Bores]

Come on.

[Langston Kerman]

I didn't care about the world. I wasn't interested in, like, being a hero or a savior of any kind. I just wanted to hoop and look at somebody naked, and now they have so much weight on their shoulders that of course, they look like absolute garbage.

[David Bores]

So I think we figured it out.

[Langston Kerman]

Robin Harris. And this is gonna blow your fucking mind.

[David Bores]

Oh, no.

[Langston Kerman]

Robin Harris died at 36 years old. Fuck. Really, dawg? He was. He was our age.

[David Bores]

Oh, God damn it.

[Langston Kerman]

And he was playing kid's daddy.

[David Bores]

He played kid's dad. Oh, fuck.

[Langston Kerman]

They were probably the same age while he was pretending to be his father.

[David Bores]

That's. That's bad genes, bro.

[Langston Kerman]

He looked rough for 36, man.

[David Bores]

Fuck. I mean, he was one of those guys who looked so crazy that he had to be hilarious.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. What were you gonna do?

[David Bores]

What else? What was your job? What could you do? Just catch all Bernie Mac scraps?

[Langston Kerman]

That's crazy.

[David Bores]

Rip, man. He was hilarious.

[Langston Kerman]

He was so funny. So funny, so old looking.

[David Bores]

So old looking, so funny. The two go hand in hand. Some of the funniest looking people I've known in my life are the funniest people I've ever known.

[Langston Kerman]

I looked up your question of whether or not the toilet attacks are a thing. And unfortunately, and this is a pretty telling sign of the society we live in, mostly when you Google that, it immediately just gives you a laundry list of transgender people being attacked in public restrooms.

[David Bores]

Oh, great.

[Langston Kerman]

Which is maybe worth noting that maybe my fear is not as much the active one, but certainly being attacked in public restrooms is a act of fear that some people need to struggle with and we wish that they didn't.

[David Bores]

Yep, not a lot of hot ribs. Yeah, I get it.

[Langston Kerman]

You don't want to tag in on.

[David Bores]

No, it's kind of really sad.

[Langston Kerman]

The other thing Olivia sent us is a article from USA Today, a very reputable website and. And newspaper periodical. Bum biting python. It says, woman bitten by a five foot snake hiding in toilet.

[David Bores]

Ah, see that's. That's so fucked.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. As a 59 year old woman sat on her relative's toilet, she felt a shocking pain. A five foot carpet python had bitten her. Her bottom. Why are they writing this? So fucking British. I hate it.

[David Bores]

Yeah. I don't understand that.

[Langston Kerman]

I get. Okay, now I see why it was in Australia. Helen Richards of Australia. So it seems like USA Today is just usurping the language from a different.

[David Bores]

They probably just left the whole article, Right?

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. I think there's like truly no integrity left in journalism. So I think they're just basically copy and pasting some shit. Helen Richards of Australia told ten News Verse Queensland she felt a sharp tap on my bottom along with some pain on Tuesday afternoo. And she handler, Jasmine Zeleny, who removed and relocated the nonvenomous python. Okay. Now I'm venomous, so she ain't get no poison in her.

[David Bores]

The poison is not what I'm worried about.

[Langston Kerman]

What are you worried about?

[David Bores]

My dick getting bit by a snake.

[Langston Kerman]

Okay, fair enough.

[David Bores]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

It's just the general pain of a bite on your dick from a snake.

[David Bores]

Yeah. Also I think it should be referenced that in the chat Olivia is throwing some slurs.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. She's. She's saying some nasty things about Australian people.

[David Bores]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

Which.

[David Bores]

Who knew? I didn't.

[Podcast Advertiser/Announcer]

It's.

[David Bores]

It's fun to. When. It's fun to learn new racism that people have.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. When you find out your friend is actually deeply bigoted.

[David Bores]

Yeah. That's always crazy because it's like, it's like on some weird shit where it's like, oh, you don't want to go to the Brazilian steakhouse. Because why? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's always really weird shit that triggers that.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bores]

Yeah.

[Langston Kerman]

They really show their true colors and then you kind of have to decide if, if this is a reflection of their greater humanity or if this is just a moment that you caught them because they had a bad day or Whatever.

[David Bores]

Yeah. Because it could go either way.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. It is worth noting that they said that the reason that the snake bit in all likelihood is because these snakes prefer exit point.

[David Bores]

Juicy ass.

[Langston Kerman]

She had that big old thick bottom and that snake just wanted to nibble.

[David Bores]

Apple bottom. Make you want to bite.

[Langston Kerman]

They said the snake's preferred exit point was block after being spooked by the customer sitting down, and it simply lashed out in fear.

[David Bores]

Yeah, that's exactly what I would think would happen.

[Langston Kerman]

So I guess to your point, it is more likely that the snake will bite if you sit down on top of it and block its pathway.

[David Bores]

And let's be honest, we see what I'm working with. I'm blocking.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, you gonna block. Ain't no light getting through when you sit down on that toilet.

[David Bores]

All that Hershey's.

[Langston Kerman]

So, Josette, it seems as if that your conspiracy does have some legs, that there are legitimate concerns that a snake could come up through the toilet. Although it seems like that's much more of a Australian possibility than a American reality. So if you live in America, I think you'll be fine. I don't imagine that you have a ton of snakes wherever you live. And if you do get out of there.

[David Bores]

Yeah, you got.

[Langston Kerman]

You ain't gotta live like that.

[David Bores]

You deserve better.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. And you ain't gotta live like that. You could live somewhere where there ain't snakes.

[David Bores]

Oh, I want to read the nice part of her letter, too.

[Langston Kerman]

Oh, please.

[David Bores]

We didn't get closing. She said, I super appreciate you two and hope you remain the same beautiful assholes you've always been. Love you both to the moon and back. Bye, bitch. Love, Josette. A proud little mama.

[Langston Kerman]

A proud little mama.

[David Bores]

Proud little mama.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah. Josette, thank you for this very lovely email. And we hope that you and your Kit Kat bar and the ladies that you canoodle with remain safe from snake bites in all forms.

[David Bores]

Yeah, exactly that. Thank you for thinking I'm so damn fine.

[Langston Kerman]

Do you want to tell the people where your finances gonna be and what shit you have going on?

[David Bores]

You wanna come out and double click your mouse, you can come see me. I actually don't have my dates pulled up. Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram. It'll be there. Yeah. Watch Royal Crackers February 29th on Adult Swim. The next day streaming on Max. And, you know, be good to yourselves. And if you wanna watch the YouTube, you can see my finance. Langston's fine ass.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah.

[David Bores]

And if you want to send us whole or tell us how we make you feel. Don't. But other than that. Yeah, you know, watch all the shit.

[Langston Kerman]

Yeah, watch. Watch all that stuff. Follow me at Langston Kerman. I don't have a ton of dates coming up because I'm knocking this special out next week and then I'm going to rest for a little while. But if you want to buy merch, you can go to mymamatoldme.merchcentral.com and if you want to send us your conspiracies, if you want to send us your glowing love letters, if you want to send us whole, send it all to mymamapodmail.com we would love to hear from you. And that's it. I think we covered everything.

[David Bores]

Bye bitch. Microchips in your anus. All koala bears are racist. The ozone layer owes me money.

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[Ed Helms]

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[Langston Kerman]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.